Being Tough With Toddlers to Teens

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[24] Welcome everybody to the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[25] This is Kirkmart, celebrate calm.

[26] I'm glad you're here.

[27] Here's the theme today what we're going to talk about.

[28] So a lot of people are like, oh, this calm thing, you're so soft on kids and you let them get away with things and all this stuff.

[29] And I want to set this up with this.

[30] There's a false choice that we've made, right, like where people are like, well, you can either be really calm with your kids and you let them get away with things or you've got to scream and yell and threaten consequences all the time and that's a false choice because you don't have to do either of those right and being calm and I want to be really clear with this being calm means you're in complete control of yourself but it doesn't mean you're a pushover and it doesn't mean that you're weak and it doesn't mean that you talk always so softly with these kids in fact I'm not a big fan of it I would encourage you a lot of times parents are like oh we have to talk like this and we have to be really timid, and we say, sweetie, baby, I need your help.

[31] Mommy need you to do this.

[32] And I don't like that at all, and it doesn't work, especially with the strong will child.

[33] You're dealing with a strong will child who has very definite opinions of things.

[34] They are stove touchers.

[35] They have to touch the hot stove.

[36] They push the limits all the time.

[37] They want to do things on their agenda.

[38] They wake up in the morning.

[39] They've got plans for the day.

[40] And those plans don't involve anything you want them to do.

[41] and they're headstrong and they're bullheaded and whatever word you want to use, these are tough, tough kids.

[42] And when you use this really soft tone, you know what they hear?

[43] They hear it as weakness.

[44] They hear it as being condescending.

[45] And I'd really rather you talk to your two -year -old, your four -year -old, your eight, your 10, 11, 14, 17, 17, 26 -year -old, talk to them like adults.

[46] There's something very grounding from this tone of voice that says, I'm not going to get emotional, I'm not going to overreact, I'm not going to be too sweet.

[47] Look, I've got a lot of things from parents, two things I've been getting later.

[48] Well, why don't you do more on toddlers?

[49] We're going to do some stuff on toddlers because you know what I want you to know.

[50] It's the same approach for a toddler as it is for a teen, and I'm going to show you that.

[51] And the other thing, I get a lot of things like, well, we believe in gentle parenting.

[52] Awesome.

[53] So do I like being gentle with people.

[54] But you've got to watch because being gentle.

[55] gentle sometimes can lead you to be being timid and timid isn't good.

[56] I'm fine with being gentle with kids, if that's the word you want to use.

[57] But I also want you to be tough with them because sometimes the most loving, caring thing you can do is to be very matter of fact and say no to your kids and be tough with them even while they're having a tantrum.

[58] And I'm going to show you how that works because I don't want people living under this false belief that you can either be really so often let kids get away with things, right?

[59] Here's another one I get.

[60] Well, you're just always looking to understand your kids.

[61] I'm like, well, you probably can't go wrong with that anyway.

[62] Now, here's where you're going to have to use wisdom, right?

[63] So you've got a toddler who's melting down in the morning and you've got to discern what's really going on here.

[64] So if I get to the root of it, it could be that that child has a lot of anxiety going to the new daycare place, in which case, my tone's a little different, and I'm going to deal with the root of it, which is anxiety.

[65] But it could be when my toddler's melting down.

[66] It's because he asked for fruit snacks at 7 .30 in the morning, and I said no. Well, what's the root of that?

[67] there's no deep root he just wants something he can't have you've got an older child who's melting down in the afternoon because he's overwhelmed with school and he feels like everything's too hard and he's overwhelmed and the first thing you mention after school is school and homework so what's the root of that you probably have an overwhelmed child who needs some tools and he might feel like a failure because maybe he doesn't do as well in school and so where he takes long to do tests so he feels stupid.

[68] We've got to get to the root of that, right?

[69] But that same child who's demanding, why I get to play Xbox right now?

[70] Yeah, demanding doesn't work in my home, right?

[71] And so what's the root of that?

[72] You can't always get what you want, right?

[73] Mick Jagger actually had great parenting advice.

[74] Now, I'm not making any assumption that Mick Jagger was a good parent.

[75] I'm not even sure if he's aware of all the children he may have spawned during his rock and roll career.

[76] But, nevertheless, those words, you can't always get what you want.

[77] Very true, right?

[78] So does that make sense with the teenager?

[79] And I'm going to show you more depth with this.

[80] You've got teens, they're going to have all kinds of emotional stuff.

[81] And if you don't get to the root of it, you're going to ruin your relationship with your teenager.

[82] Because a lot of that stuff is very emotional that they're going through, even if it doesn't make sense to you and it's no big deal to you.

[83] You've got to get to the root.

[84] But sometimes the root with a teenager is, they're just demanding.

[85] stuff because they want it and there's no rate you just have to say no to that so we'll get to that in a minute but beware of that false choice okay so let's kind of roll into this i made some notes this is my second time recording this because when i recorded it last night i made some really i thought they were very funny jokes because i don't script everything because i want to feel this stuff i kind of want to roll with what's in my head i've been doing this a long time and i want this stuff to come out without being constrained, but sometimes stuff comes out that maybe shouldn't that I actually think is funny and I like.

[86] And a lot of parents would be like, no, keep it in.

[87] But then I send it to my family and everybody reviews it and they're like, I don't think everybody's going to like that.

[88] So if you want, email me and let you know, I want to, there's a part of me that wants to do a separate parenting podcast that's a little bit edgier because some of you would actually respond well to that and me being really like straightforward like all over it and saying off -color things.

[89] You'd be like, that's what I needed.

[90] So let me know, because I've thought about that.

[91] But I'm still in that phase where I'm still, you know, I want to communicate and I want to reach people and I don't want people to say, well, I love 98 % of what you say, but 2 % of it when you say that, then I just completely shut off.

[92] And I'm like, oh, like, give me a little bit of room here to be myself and be a tad offensive if 95 % of it's really good and would help you, right?

[93] Like, that's kind of what I really want to say.

[94] And I probably shouldn't say that either.

[95] But I do want to work through that, and I would appreciate your honest feedback of that, because I do want to communicate, and I believe that what we're communicating will save relationships and change your relationship with your kids, right?

[96] And that's why we travel.

[97] By the way, quick thing, hold on, I'm going to get some good stuff here.

[98] Next week we go on the road.

[99] We're going to be in Nashville.

[100] We're going to be in Kansas City for quite a few days.

[101] We're going to be in Iowa, Pella, Iowa, California.

[102] Council Bluffs Iowa.

[103] Then we're to Antioch, Illinois.

[104] Last night I said it as Antioch, because I'm a professional communicator.

[105] We're going to Antioch, Illinois, which is north of Chicago, and then we're in Western Michigan.

[106] By the way, we have a date left on that trip.

[107] If you're near Chicago or Holland, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Kalamazoo, Battle Creek, email my son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, and we'll set something up.

[108] But we can turn.

[109] Look, here's the thing.

[110] With two weeks before a trip, we'll turn out a ton of people.

[111] You know why?

[112] Because parents don't make decisions on when to come until like the last minute.

[113] They don't.

[114] You're way too busy.

[115] And so we can turn out a lot of people.

[116] In our events, the reason we travel is because we get to connect with people and their life changing.

[117] So come out to these events in all these cities.

[118] If you want us in your city, let us know we travel all over the world.

[119] But we also go to little towns like Pelot, Iowa, Council Bluffs, and Annette, Illinois, and all these places.

[120] Why?

[121] Why?

[122] Because that's where people live, and we want to help you.

[123] One other quick note, as people have been making fun of us, which you should.

[124] It doesn't offend me. They're like, why are you still doing a Christmas sale?

[125] It's mid -January.

[126] And the answer is, because I really like our Christmas sale.

[127] And I actually really love Christmas.

[128] And I've heard so many testimonials from people who've been like, oh, I've been listening to your podcast.

[129] I wanted to get your stuff.

[130] And now it's like ultra affordable.

[131] And it's changed our family because people listen to the downloads over.

[132] the holidays and I'm hearing all the testimonials so I'm like why should I change that but there comes a time so if you go to celebrate calm .com you'll see for this week only there's still the Christmas sale which is a fantastic deal but it is done after this week and we're to go back to like launching into some other initiatives and other stuff but take advantage of it if you need help financially I can't say this enough email my son emails we're a family and say here's what I need here's what's happening in my family and here's my budget and I see these emails all the time and it's a beautiful thing that we're able to do because my son will contact you you know like hey here's my recommendation here's the budget can you do that and it's awesome right so and it'll change your family and i want you to listen because i know this after doing it for 20 years if you invest in the program and you work through it it will change who you are as a parent it will change your family traits awesome so let's roll into this so I've already said I don't like the sweetie baby they're calling your don't refer to yourself as mommy or daddy when giving kids instructions because when we talk like this and kind of a question mark it sends a note to your kids says my parents aren't decisive and I don't think they're strong enough right now because they're kind of asking and begging me and if I just stand up to them right now whether I'm three or eight or 14 I think they'll back down And they hear it is weakness, and I don't want you to be weak, because calm is not a doormat at all.

[133] Look, it just means that I'm not going to lose it.

[134] Does that make sense?

[135] There's not this either or thing.

[136] I can be really tough with my kids.

[137] I'm just not losing it, and I'm not taking it personally, and I'm not making it personal.

[138] You guys never listen.

[139] When I was a kid, why can't you?

[140] you ever do this.

[141] You're not applying yourself.

[142] You're lazy.

[143] How are you ever going to be successful in life?

[144] That's wounding kind of stuff.

[145] Me being tough with a kid, as long as I'm not emotional and I'm not making a personal, there's nothing wounding.

[146] That's a very, that's a very gentle to the heart approach, even though it sounds a little cold to you.

[147] So let's roll through that, right?

[148] So you've got a toddler.

[149] And so a couple of things for toddlers, I think I've mentioned this before, I don't want you to fall into the trap of just spending your day saying, stop it, stop it.

[150] No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.

[151] You can't get into that.

[152] Put that down because toddlers are supposed to toddle.

[153] They're supposed to explore and to get into things and make messes.

[154] And if that bothers you, it's your issue because you have too many control issues and you need to lighten up a little bit and deal with the fact that things aren't always going to be orderly in human relationships.

[155] And if you can't deal with that, then don't have human relationships because people are messy.

[156] People's emotions are messy.

[157] That's the hardest part of me as a man was learning that it's okay if my wife, if my kids, if other people are emotional.

[158] I don't have to fix their emotions.

[159] I don't have to control their emotions.

[160] I can acknowledge and validate their emotions, but it's not my job to fix it.

[161] It's not my job to make them not be emotional or to shut down their emotions or shame them for it.

[162] I don't know.

[163] You're just overreacting.

[164] That's really helpful.

[165] That's my own immaturity because what I'm really saying is your emotions make me really uncomfortable.

[166] So don't be emotional so that I can deal with it.

[167] Right?

[168] That's a very immature thing to say.

[169] And that's what I did for decades because of my childhood and everything else.

[170] and I never learned how to do that.

[171] So I want you to be able to say yes to your kids when their toddlers say, hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home.

[172] But I can see that you've got a lot of energy and you're very sensory kid.

[173] So we created an obstacle course in the basement of the backyard at any time, feel free to crawl through that, crawl over it, jump on it.

[174] I don't care.

[175] This, no. But this?

[176] Oh, absolutely.

[177] In fact, I'm going to hide your food out in the obstacle course and make you crawl and forage through it, and your kids will love that.

[178] Does that make sense?

[179] Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, you say yes to something appropriate so they can do it.

[180] But let's take the example of, I want fruit snacks.

[181] I want fruit snacks now.

[182] And what's going to happen?

[183] You're going to say no, and they're going to throw a tantrum.

[184] A tantrum is rational.

[185] And a meltdown to me is irrational.

[186] Something else is going on that's emotional and you have to get to the root.

[187] A tantrum's pretty straightforward.

[188] I want something.

[189] You won't give it to me. I'm going to make your life miserable until you give in.

[190] That's why they do it.

[191] That's why, by the way, they do it in public.

[192] Because in public, we get embarrassed by that child having a tantrum in aisle three at the grocery store.

[193] It's right, fine.

[194] You know, go to their produce section forever.

[195] cookie, just be quiet.

[196] And now the child just learned, oh, if I embarrass you in public, you'll give in.

[197] And again, that's why, look, this stuff, it doesn't matter the age.

[198] It's not really about the child.

[199] It's about us as the parents.

[200] And there's no guilt in that, and there's no blame in that.

[201] It's liberating.

[202] If you're going to spend your child's childhood trying to change their behavior, you will frustrate yourself and them and have a lot of power struggles, nothing will change.

[203] But if I know that the quickest way to change my child's behavior is to control my own behavior and my own body posture and my own tone of voice, then I have an incredible amount of power in this situation.

[204] So in public, as in private, I'm not handling it any differently.

[205] Because the truth is, if you change it.

[206] how you parent your child based on what other adults are going to think about you, that's your issue, right?

[207] That embarrassment, again, is your own immaturity because you're allowing the opinions of a stranger to dictate how you raise your child, and that's a big trap.

[208] By the way, that's why you have to have your parents listen to our programs and let them download this to their iPads so grandma and grandpa can listen to this stuff and learn how to handle it because otherwise they're going to judge you and then you're going to live timidly in fear of how your parents are judging you and you won't get together with family.

[209] You won't take your kids out because I want you to be able to be firm and tell your kids and I did this with 1500 kids.

[210] I'd take these camp kids out every day to the safe way and I take them to stores and they'd want something and I'd say know, and they'd have a tantrum right in front of the, right, laying down, beating on the floor in the middle of aisle three, wanting to embarrass me, but I didn't get embarrassed.

[211] You know why?

[212] I'm not embarrassed by my child's tantrum.

[213] I'm only embarrassed when I throw a tantrum and I'll three at Target.

[214] Does that make sense?

[215] So, in case he was little, and when I had kids at our house, because we had toddler camp, little kid camp, I want fruit snacks.

[216] I'd be like, not happening today.

[217] And I want you to know, even matter of fact, tone is really, really important.

[218] Really, really important.

[219] I love that tone of voice because it says I'm in complete control of myself.

[220] I'm not making this personal.

[221] Here's a big key for toddlers all the way to teens.

[222] You don't have to explain yourself.

[223] Don't explain.

[224] Well, honey, you know, if you eat fruit snacks right now, it's going to ruin your dinner because your child is never going to say, mom, thank you so much for the wisdom, I didn't realize that it's never going to happen.

[225] This is huge.

[226] So write this down, or in your brain and heart write it down.

[227] Your children are not looking to be convinced.

[228] That's a little bit of a prideful thing that we have as not modern day parents.

[229] We're like, oh, but we're more enlightened than our parents.

[230] And if we just have a conversation and we just have some dialogue about this, we can come to a common agreement.

[231] No, you can't.

[232] They're not going to say, your teenager isn't going to say, Mom, I really wanted to do something and go somewhere inappropriate.

[233] And you said no, and I was upset.

[234] But after you explained your reasoning, all of a sudden I realized how wise you are after 45 years on Earth.

[235] That's not what they're looking for.

[236] They're looking to be led.

[237] And they're looking for parents.

[238] And there's a little bit of a harsh edge.

[239] to this, but hang on here, because it's a really good point.

[240] We've got a lot of parents now who are afraid to say no to their kids, right?

[241] And so what happens is you're an actual good parent, and you have a child and you say, like, no, I'm not going to allow you to drink in the home at age 14 or 15 or 16.

[242] And when your parent kids are like, but my friend's parents let them drink it, do that, or my friend's parents let them stay on their phone until midnight, right?

[243] And I get it because your initial response inside, which I'm not advocating that you say is, I know, because your friend's parents shouldn't actually have children, right?

[244] And in the previous pocket, I used different words for that.

[245] But, right?

[246] So here's the point that I want to make.

[247] It's not that it's your right as a parent to say no, right?

[248] That's that old like, well, I'm the authority.

[249] I have the right to say no. I want to switch this around.

[250] It's your responsibility to say.

[251] no. Does that make sense?

[252] It's not that you're right to say no because you're the adult.

[253] You have a responsibility to put boundaries around your kids and to be the grown up that they will one day respect.

[254] But right now, they just might not like you.

[255] And that's actually not a bad thing and could be a really good thing.

[256] Because I don't want you to like me. I want you to respect me. And I want you to feel safe to know that you have a parent who is willing to put him herself in situations in which there's tension in the home and there's conflict between us and I'm okay with that because at the end of the day I do know what's best for you and I get a lot of pushback now well that's just Aaron what you know you're just putting that on kids of like you know better well guess what I do most of the time know what is best for my child more than they do you know why because I'm 53 because you're 35 because you've lived through this.

[257] There's no arrogance.

[258] I'm not like, you know what?

[259] You're an idiot, and your brain isn't fully formed, and your prefrontal cortex doesn't form until it's 27, so you're an idiot, so I'm going to make your decisions.

[260] I'm not saying that at all.

[261] What I'm saying is, I'm the grown -up in the room, and I'm going to act like the grown -up.

[262] And I'm not going to create a lot of drama over it.

[263] I'm not going to explain everything, and I'm not going to try to convince you that I'm right.

[264] I just want to let you know that I do know what's best.

[265] And look, there are times where I made wrong choices or decisions, and then I had to humble myself and go back to Casey and say, you know what?

[266] I think I was a little bit rash and quick in my know, because that's my nature.

[267] And after I thought about it, I realized I should have given you a little bit more space in that.

[268] So I apologize.

[269] So on Friday night, I'm going to allow you to do X. Look, there's nothing wrong with that.

[270] That's just modeling humility and modeling I took some time to think about it, and after I thought about it, I got new information and insight, and I made a different decision.

[271] That's just called being mature.

[272] There's nothing wrong with that.

[273] That's a great thing to model for your kids.

[274] But I don't want you making the decision because, oh, but they're not going to like me and they're going to be upset at me, and there's going to be tension.

[275] Good.

[276] You need to be the grown -up who can deal with the tension.

[277] Does that make sense?

[278] So back to the three -year -old, to the four -year -old, to the toddler, to the seven -year -old, whatever age you want to call it.

[279] So when these kids were in my home, my son was young, I came up with this little routine.

[280] So they would start their tantrum.

[281] And rather than trying to stop the tantrum, because that's what you're going to want to, stop it right now.

[282] You need to be grateful.

[283] Stop trying to control kids' moods.

[284] This is a brutal thing to do.

[285] Stop.

[286] So rather than trying to stop the tantrum, I would sit.

[287] I'd actually sit down right in the midst of the tantrum.

[288] and I'd soak it up.

[289] Because here's the message I wanted to send to the kids.

[290] And I'd actually use these words at times, and some of you it's going to sound harsh, but it's not.

[291] I'd say, look, I'm okay with your tantrum.

[292] I'm reading this situation.

[293] You want the fruit snacks.

[294] You want it really badly.

[295] And I'm saying no to you.

[296] And you're going to throwing a tantrum now.

[297] But I have two rules in my home.

[298] The first one is this.

[299] We do everything with excellence.

[300] So if you're going to throw a tantrum, I want it done really well.

[301] I get it.

[302] You're upset.

[303] You're frustrated because you're you're, you want something, you can't get it, and you don't like that Mick Jagger was actually right.

[304] And you can't always get what you want.

[305] So if you want to throw a tantrum, do it really well, but I want you to know the second rule first, which is this.

[306] Your tantrums in my home will never, ever, ever, ever, ever work with me. And here's why.

[307] And you don't have to say these words or these phrases to your kids, but I find when I give voice to it, it actually helps get it in me. Honey, what I want you to know is your mood does not change or determine my mood.

[308] Your behavior, your tantrum, your behavior does not determine or change my behavior.

[309] I'm completely comfortable with your tantrum.

[310] But what I want you to know is 100 out of 100 times, here's how it works.

[311] Your tantrum won't work with me because I'm an immovable wall and because I'm someone that I want you to trust because when I tell you something, I mean it.

[312] It's not a suggestion.

[313] And watch.

[314] Watch.

[315] You can do this in the gentle frame of mind here's how it's gentle.

[316] I want to be that parent that you can count on.

[317] Because see, when I say no and I try to convince and I yell that you're not grateful and I eventually give in, what I'm teaching you is you have an adult in the home that you can't count on.

[318] And so that makes it unstable in our home.

[319] But what I want you to know is I'm man enough, woman enough, grown up enough to say no and put up with the worst that you've got because at the end of that, I'm going to be right here with you, and I'm not going to walk away from you.

[320] That's fine if you walk away from your kids when they're having a tantrum.

[321] No problem with that at all.

[322] I'd prefer if you walk away, say, look, I can tell you're frustrated.

[323] I'm going upstairs to clean the toilet.

[324] So if you want to keep complaining to me, I want you to grab a bottle of cleaner and grab some paper towels, because if you want to whine and complain, I'm okay with it, but we're going to get something done while that's happening, and that's going to be cleaning up the mess that you made in the bathroom because you're not a good aim.

[325] So, but I'm not getting emotional, and I'm not trying to stop it.

[326] I'm just letting you know it's not going to work.

[327] Does that make sense?

[328] Those phrases are really, really, really good.

[329] Now, I'm okay with redirecting.

[330] Oh, although sometimes at first, I don't want you to redirect because that's trying to like get them out of it in a way.

[331] I'd rather just sit there and sit through it for 15 or 20 minutes until they realize it's not going to work.

[332] And then you can gently say, okay, I think you've understood now.

[333] Is it not going to work?

[334] So, I know you wanted the fruit snacks.

[335] If you want to come help me stir the soup and cook dinner, here's what's going to happen.

[336] We're going to cook dinner, eat dinner, and then after dinner, you can have a snack.

[337] If you want to work that way, I'm completely great with it.

[338] But otherwise, you're just going to be upset.

[339] Does that make sense?

[340] Because I want to teach kids that.

[341] And I'm not dismissing it like, you know, it's just stupid fruit snacks.

[342] You've already had too many.

[343] See, all those explanations are kind of shaming and trying to.

[344] to convince them of the reason you're doing it.

[345] And the reason you're saying no is because it's not good for you, and I know that.

[346] The reason I'm not letting you play video games for three hours a day is because I know that it's not good for you.

[347] And I'm willing for you to be mad at me 10 -year -old and to say all the other parents let their kids do it, that doesn't bother me. I, like, I'm not running to be popular among the other parents.

[348] I don't need their affirmation.

[349] I'm responsible to you.

[350] Which is kind of cool, this whole separate teaching, but I'm not responsible for my child's happiness.

[351] I'm responsible to my child.

[352] I'm responsible to do the right thing for my child when they don't always know.

[353] And look, that is not arrogant.

[354] Please let go with that thought.

[355] There's a certain thing going around of like, well, kids are kind of equal with us.

[356] No, they're not.

[357] they're not equal with us I give kids dignity I treat them with dignity by not shaming them and embarrassing them by not telling them how awful they are and that they're ungrateful I give them a lot of dignity but a part of teaching them is the fact that I'm older than you and what I want to learn in life even when you're 40 is maybe you ought to talk to the 65 year old when you're 40 because you could get some wisdom from that person and the truth is your kids don't know what's best for them.

[358] Look, I'm 53.

[359] We were just out last night.

[360] My best friend is 73.

[361] And you know why I love that man?

[362] Because he's lived 20 years longer.

[363] And because I'm learning, because I still make dumb decisions.

[364] And he's like, Kirk, what I want you to know is, that's not important.

[365] 20 years from now when you're 73, doesn't going to make a difference in your life.

[366] So cut it out.

[367] I'm like, thank you for that wisdom.

[368] Thank you for not thinking that you had to be cool.

[369] So does that make sense right now.

[370] I want you to be, I want you to be responsible.

[371] You're responsible to do this for your kids.

[372] It's not about it's your right to do it.

[373] So let's go to this.

[374] So you've got a teenager and they're going to demand all kinds of things from you.

[375] And so I want you to use this.

[376] That's what I want you to know.

[377] Treating the teenager and the teen is the same exact tone.

[378] It's the same, is the three -year -old going to understand all of it?

[379] No, but they pick up on your body posture and your tone of voice.

[380] It's not about what you're saying so much as how you say it.

[381] It's not always the content.

[382] It's the condition of how you say it because most of your kids aren't even going to hear what you say because they're too busy coming up in their brain with all the things they're going to try to ways to overcome it.

[383] Right.

[384] So when you're a teenager, comes to you with that claim or that thing that they want to do and all the other parents do it.

[385] Inside your head, you can be sarcastic all day long of like, well, all that shows me is your friend's parents shouldn't really be parents.

[386] I feel bad for your friends because they actually have a parent who's not being a parent.

[387] You can be a little sarcastic in your brain and sometimes you can even say it if you want and say, you know what?

[388] You just got the, you You know, it ended up on the short end of the stick because you ended up with a parent.

[389] He's okay with you being mad at them.

[390] But what I want you know at the end of the day, I have your best interests at heart, right?

[391] So it's okay with saying this.

[392] This is a very practical one.

[393] You say no to your teenager and they start moping.

[394] Don't get on them about them.

[395] I don't know why you mope.

[396] I already give you still other things.

[397] You ought to be grateful for the freedom that I give you, blah, blah, blah.

[398] Again, you're trying to convince them to not be.

[399] be upset at you.

[400] And I want you to let that go.

[401] And I want you to be comfortable.

[402] I'd rather you address it and say, son, daughter, right now, you're disappointed.

[403] You should be disappointed.

[404] Disappointment is a fact of life.

[405] And I want you to be disappointed.

[406] But what I want you to know is I trust you to work through your disappointment because at the end of the day, and it may be three days from now, you're going to be okay.

[407] And I'm still going to be here.

[408] And I want you to know I'm okay with there being tension.

[409] I remember having this talk with Casey.

[410] I don't remember the full story, but I remember we were at the drive -thru of a Taco Bell when he was a teenager because I felt him healthy food.

[411] And so, because I believe they use organic meat in their tacos.

[412] I'm kidding.

[413] They don't.

[414] But I remember we were at the drive -thru.

[415] We're having some kind of conflict.

[416] And I remember inside of me thinking, I don't like this division, because Case and I had been through a lot when he was little, and I had really been on him a lot, and our relationship was very broken when he was six, seven, eight, nine, and it started to change.

[417] So by time he got to his teenage years, I had a little bit of fear in me of breaking that, right?

[418] Because we had worked really hard for many years to rebuild what I had broken as his father.

[419] So I remember, we were at the Taco Bell and I was holding firm on something and he's shifting in his seat and I could tell he's upset at me. And you know what triggered?

[420] It's almost making me cry right now.

[421] It triggered back to when we were broken when he was seven and eight and nine.

[422] And I didn't want to go back to that because I had fought so hard.

[423] I'd fought and he'd fought hard.

[424] It's a reason if you ever meet Casey and I, and that's why we want you coming to live workshops.

[425] You know why we're so tight now because he and I both worked really hard.

[426] He had to forgive me of a lot of stuff.

[427] Hold on.

[428] I had to humble myself as a grown man in front of my child and say, I wanted to be, I don't like doing this kind of a man. I wanted to be a good dad, but I wasn't a good dad to you.

[429] And I'm going to I hate this.

[430] I'd rather drop the F -Bow and be inappropriate and keep that for the podcast from last night, but I deleted it.

[431] But it's emotional because this is hard stuff.

[432] And I wanted to be that dad that he could trust and rely on because I never had that.

[433] I never had my whole life.

[434] I had a dad who was good at saying no, but he was harsh.

[435] And there's a value to the fact that my dad said no. And I'm grateful that I have.

[436] had a dad who put boundaries on me. Was he harsh and did it hurt?

[437] Yes.

[438] But I'm grateful that at least did that.

[439] My dad put boundaries and he said no. And that's a good thing because I needed that.

[440] He's very disciplined and I'm very disciplined in life.

[441] So I got a lot of really good things from my dad.

[442] I also missed a lot of stuff and I didn't want my son to miss on that.

[443] And I wanted to have the connection with him.

[444] So remember in that stupid Taco Bell drive -through, all this emotions through.

[445] Well, if I keep being firm and say, no, Casey's going to be upset at me. And what if he's upset and we go back to way we were and I don't have it anymore?

[446] Then we're, then we have that chasm again.

[447] And I was fearful of that chasm.

[448] So I was fighting that.

[449] And I remember thinking, I think I looked over and said, Casey, I'm really uncomfortable right now.

[450] Because I'm afraid.

[451] darn it I'm afraid of losing it with you but I'm not going to give in to that because I don't react out of fear so I'm trying to become comfortable with the fact that for the next few hours or the next few days you're not going to like me but I'm going to stick with it because at the end of the day I trust that you'll respect me for it and that was a huge moment more than you can possibly imagine in our relationship.

[452] And I kind of fought through that.

[453] And we had a little different relationship by the time.

[454] So I'm not saying that you need to say those words.

[455] But I want your kids to know, I'm okay with you being disappointed and frustrated right now.

[456] And I'm okay with you being mad at me. And it's okay.

[457] Look, I give you permission to be mad at me. I'm okay with it.

[458] I'm not going to change my mind because I know what's best for you right now.

[459] And I'm going to stick with it.

[460] And I want you to stick with it.

[461] because you have the right to do that as a parent because you're the authority figure.

[462] Yeah, but it's really because you have the responsibility to do that because you're the grown adult in this relationship.

[463] Right?

[464] And watch what happens.

[465] When we try to, when we give in or we try to control our kids and try to force them, intimidate them to make choices, you know what we're really doing?

[466] We're actually becoming responsible for their choice.

[467] choices, right?

[468] Does that make sense?

[469] But when I can look at them, and if you listen to our discipline CDs or maybe the toddler CDs, you'll hear this idea of I used to give kids a choice ball.

[470] So when they were demanding something, I'd sometimes hand them something physical.

[471] It's a very soft one because I didn't want to get hurt when they threw it at me. And so I give them a little soft choice ball and say, look, I get your frustrated.

[472] I'm going to give you a few seconds, a minute to make this choice.

[473] So I want you to throw the ball up in the air for three times, and I want you think what kind of choice you want to make because here's why you have choices to make in life and i don't want to make them for you and i want you to know that your choices affect your life right and i want you to own your choices and so it was a way all of this me stepping back and being emotional is i want your kids to learn how to make choices instead of me just forcing it on them all the time does that make sense and so it's a very it's a very mature way of handling this to say I'm going to say no in this moment, and you have a choice in how you respond.

[474] And I'm going to give you a few moments, a few days to go through that.

[475] But if you want to keep badgering me, I just want to let you know I'm not going to give in.

[476] I'll sit here because I'm not going to give in to it.

[477] And I want you know you can trust me. Does that make sense?

[478] I'm really good with tough discipline.

[479] I'm really good with declaring martial law in the home, right, and being tough with your kids.

[480] I'm just not going to yell, scream, be out of control, demeanor.

[481] mean kids, but I'm also not going to be too soft like this and talk very timidly because they don't respect that either.

[482] Right in the middle is what I've been modeling.

[483] And that's why I want you to get the Christmas sale, to get the No BS program, because we model this tone of voice how to do it.

[484] And I want your kids to hear it.

[485] And I want you to hear it again and again and put it in context of all the different ways, because through the programs that you listen to on the downloads or CDs, I can show you 10 different ways to handle the toddler who's demanding something.

[486] 10 different ways to handle it from different angles of the teenager, but I have time in the CDs because they're hours long in this short podcast.

[487] So thank you for hanging in there with me. I was just about to apologize for being emotional, but that's what moms do all the time.

[488] And I'm not going to apologize because that was a true and honest thing, and I believe you're capable of handling it, even if you're a man listening.

[489] so anyway love you guys thank you for sharing this journey with us something's changing inside of me and I think you can hear that in a podcast which is really cool it's very uncomfortable for me but you're going to hear things change as you listen forward and new things are bubbling up in me we're going to get to a deeper level of intimacy of connection with our kids it's going to be really cool I can feel happening so come on this journey with us if you need help contact Casey C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[490] You can go to our website, Celebrate Calm.

[491] You've got the Christmas sale, the No BS program.

[492] We've got a free newsletter, sign up, sign up for that, all that stuff.

[493] Anyway, love you all.

[494] Talk to you soon.

[495] Bye -bye.