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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Go -bye.
[16] Hello.
[17] Hi, and welcome to The Minisode.
[18] This is my favorite murder, The Minisov, where we read you your stuff.
[19] So let's start it off.
[20] The subject line of this email is $10 ,000 at the Goodwill.
[21] Hey, y 'all.
[22] Love the show, way too much to be healthy.
[23] I was at work this week and was extremely sad that I'd already binged all of the episodes.
[24] I was scrolling through to see which one I was going to listen to when I saw that I somehow missed a minisode.
[25] As I was excitedly listening to Minisode 50, I heard y 'all read about how someone found $10 ,000 cash at the Goodwill.
[26] Funny story, my grandfather was an old dream.
[27] old school drug dealer and used to hide his money in all kinds of crazy places under the doghouse under my dad's baby stuff in the attic under trees and apparently in clothes as well when he went to jail when my dad was young my grandmother divorced him and donated all of his clothes to goodwill he was released a few years later and came back to the house to collect all of his things and subsequently to find all of his cash according to my dad my grandfather laughed in my grandmother's face when he he realized she had literally given away over $12 ,000 worth of cash that was sewn into all of his jackets throughout the house.
[28] Maybe the murderino who wrote in about her love for vintage clothing somehow found my to be inheritance.
[29] Anyway, keep up the good work, ladies.
[30] Can't wait to see you in Atlanta this fall stay sexy and stick to legal occupations so that you can use a bank like a normal fucking person.
[31] Love S. Why do people hide money and things that can be given away?
[32] Or just not hip, wife to like right what is going on oh man just tell one person like the shit i find in my purses i'm like and it's not money but it's like how the fuck did this get in oh my god thank god i don't have money to hide anywhere okay uh this is called they dusted the cat food container for fingerprints hi excellent podcasters and your assorted furry creatures stephen i guess that means you too one day in October a few years ago I was working from home at around 10 in the door at around 10 the doorbell rang and when I peeked out the window to see who it was I caught a glimpse of a creepy man and a wife beater no fucking way I was opening the door to that after I failed to answer the door he cut across my yard to my back fence and opened the gate by now my brain had slowly kicked in and I had picked up the phone and dialed 911 the man banged hard on my back door and I fled to my bedroom closet like a small child no sooner had I given the operator my address and told her what was happening, then he had busted the lock open and was in my house.
[33] Fuck.
[34] One hundred percent don't know what possessed me to do this, but I marched out of my bedroom and yelled, get the fuck out of my house.
[35] Because my house is so tiny, I practically ran him over as I emerged from the bedroom and I scared the ever -loving shit out of him.
[36] He turned and ran and as he fled through the kitchen, he picked up a plastic container of cat food that was sitting on the counter.
[37] He yelled, get away, bitch, and flung the cat food at me. me. I swear I'm not making that up.
[38] I stood in the kitchen and watched him get into a maroon Pontiac, which sped away.
[39] I told myself to remember the license plate, but I was too freaked out.
[40] In just a few minutes, a couple of police officers arrived.
[41] I told them the story, and upon hearing what the perpetrator had touched, that had touched a plastic container, they called a forensics team.
[42] I wish I had thought to take a picture of the giant crime scene van that pulled it outside my house.
[43] It was cool and totally horrifying at the same time.
[44] They told me they got a few prints, but since I never heard anything about the crime after that, I assume they never caught the guy.
[45] The moral of the story is if a shady guy rings your doorbell and further tries hard to make sure no one is home by pounding on your door, freaking yell something.
[46] As always, stay sexy and keep a container of cat food handy in case the crime scene technicians can use it, Krista.
[47] So, like, I think he was banging on the doors and, like, no one yelled anything.
[48] So he was like, great, no one's home.
[49] I'm going to break in and, like, burglar this place.
[50] I just like the idea that she was so scared in the beginning and then somewhere in there in the like in her own bedroom closet yeah she just was like you know what fuck this shit yeah that's really exciting she waited to scream get the fuck out of here until he was inside of the house yeah and like like something came over her yeah i'm not fucking hiding in here well she's lucky that yeah she's very lucky yeah but it was just cat food container and also how rude but it's also so weird that they would fingerprint i don't know that's it's cool uh okay the subject line of this one is accidentally went to jury duty on acid.
[51] Dear Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and Puts.
[52] In 2012, I graduated from Illinois State University and moved in with my boyfriend, now husband, the same day.
[53] He had been staying with his dad in Indiana, so we found an apartment in nearby Valparaiso.
[54] Probably not.
[55] Indiana, we were young and without children, so we participated in a lot of partying.
[56] After living there for three years, I was selected for jury duty.
[57] Being a lifelong true crime fan, I took the calling very seriously.
[58] I read the instructions thoroughly and was prepared to arrive at the courthouse on Monday morning.
[59] This Saturday before I was supposed to go, my boyfriend and I went to Chicago to look for apartments as we were planning on moving back home.
[60] We ended up finding the perfect place and signed the paperwork that day.
[61] That afternoon, we decided to celebrate the new apartment by taking some acid.
[62] Oh, no. Of course, the jury duty was on the forefront of my mind, so I figured I'd take the acid now, trip through the night, returned to normal Sunday, and arrive Monday morning ready to go.
[63] at first my plan worked by sunday evening i was no longer tripping the only problem was that i couldn't fall asleep so to solve this problem i took two sleeping pills and passed out no i woke up monday morning feeling exhausted and just not myself for some reason i bypass the business casual outfit i laid out put on jeans and sneakers and showed up with wet hair oh by this time i'd realize that i just needed to focus on getting through the day and that taking the sleeping pills was maybe not the best idea i was directed to a room to wait for instructions.
[64] A woman with a flowery dress walked in and began telling us how the day was going to go.
[65] I was staring at her dress and trying really hard to focus on what she was saying when all of a sudden the flowers in her dress started moving.
[66] I shifted my gaze to the floor and then the geometric pattern that geometric pattern was also moving.
[67] Yep, the sleeping pills had somehow made me start to trip again and I was about to enter a courtroom.
[68] By the time we made to the jury box, I had woken up and was ready to participate.
[69] The case was about someone who was being accused of selling heroin, and the cops had used confidential informants to charge him.
[70] Let me say right now that I don't support the sale of heroin, but being that I was on drugs, I wasn't processing things normally.
[71] For the 30 minutes that I was in the courtroom before the judge asked me to leave, I managed to tell the prosecution that confidential informants are snitches.
[72] Oh, no. I believe.
[73] I believe.
[74] I believe.
[75] I believe.
[76] leave, I said, you mean snitches?
[77] That I don't trust the police and that I made a small speech about the heroin epidemic.
[78] That part's not bad, but totally not appropriate at the time.
[79] Somehow, I got myself home, passed out in the middle of my living room floor on top of my laptop.
[80] Stay sexy and don't take drugs before jury duty.
[81] And it signed your fan page.
[82] Oh, my gosh.
[83] She's flagged now.
[84] Like, her name is flagged as someone to watch.
[85] The idea that there must have been a point in not like her standing up and giving a speech where she came to talking.
[86] Yeah, yeah.
[87] Because the decision to stand up and make a speech was not a conscious one.
[88] There's just no way.
[89] It just like started happening and then it's like, what the fuck I'm like doing?
[90] Oh no, I'm talking about snitches.
[91] You're ruining it for yourself.
[92] Holy shit.
[93] Okay, this one is the time my friend's elderly neighbor got arrested.
[94] And there's a photo that I think Steven is going to pull out for us.
[95] Oh, okay.
[96] this is the story when my friend's elderly neighbor got arrested.
[97] So my friend and I grew up on Cape Cod in a town called Yarmouth.
[98] They spelled it out for me, thank you.
[99] Oh, nice.
[100] At the time, my friend's parents had just decided to move out of her childhood home and moved to Florida.
[101] None of the kids were living there at the time, but her youngest sister, who was in her mid -20s at the time, moved back in while her parents were figuring out what to do with the house.
[102] Cape Cod has the highest per capita elderly population in the state, so her sister thought nothing of the old guy, that lived next door until one day she hears some commotion outsides and sees cops and a SWAT team members and such surrounding this old guy's house so naturally she goes out to investigate i guess the cops had to tell her several times to go inside because it wasn't safe and she said something like it's my property i can be out here but eventually she goes inside don't uh don't go out there so once the old man came out of his house and finally surrendered to the police it turned out that this old man was no old man at all.
[103] He was really a 31 -year -old who had been hiding from the police for four months.
[104] He was wanted for drug trafficking charges.
[105] But instead of leaving town, he decided to wear a movie -grade old man mask and stay in town.
[106] No way.
[107] I'm not sure how the cops figured out it was him.
[108] Maybe someone ratted him out or something, but it actually wound up being national news, which he all thought was hilarious.
[109] After all this, this now semi -famous picture, see below, more Stephen of this mugshot next to a photo of him wearing the old guy mask was his Facebook profile picture for a while let me see holy no he looks like a troll from troll movie and it's now an important part of the local folklore stay sexy and trust no one not even your elderly neighbors Kara this guy looks like he was on Gilligan's Island and it's like Gilligan's Island old man makeup yes it's not not good.
[110] It's, um, he looks proud of himself.
[111] It's nice of her to say movie grade, but, it's insulting to movie makeup artists, I mean, you know what it is?
[112] Is I bet you he, he, that's a false nose for sure.
[113] And I bet you he, like looked at something online.
[114] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[115] It looks like him as an old man, for sure, though.
[116] Yeah.
[117] It's not, it's not a great job.
[118] He probably downloaded his picture into a, like, Benjamin Button -style app where it's like, what would you look like super old and then did some kind of a makeup thing on that.
[119] How'd be kind of fun to like walk around town like as an old man and like people treat you differently probably?
[120] That's right.
[121] It's like a real Tyra Banks in the fat suit style social experiment.
[122] That's right.
[123] Hey, this is exciting.
[124] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[125] Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.
[126] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[127] Who killed Saz?
[128] And were they really after Charles?
[129] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[130] This season, murder hits close to home.
[131] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[132] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[133] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[134] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[135] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy, Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[136] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[137] Goodbye.
[138] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[139] Absolutely.
[140] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[141] Exactly.
[142] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[143] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[144] That's right.
[145] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere.
[146] Online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.
[147] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[148] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[149] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[150] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[151] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[152] Connect with customers inline and online.
[153] Do retail right with Shopify.
[154] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[155] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[156] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[157] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[158] Goodbye.
[159] This is just simply titled Car Accident Mystery.
[160] Hello, MFM fam.
[161] Love your podcast.
[162] My wife works in the ER and came home one day with this crazy story.
[163] She got a call that a patient was coming in after a rollover motor vehicle crash.
[164] EMS reported she was ejected from the vehicle and found in the bushes near the accident.
[165] When the patient arrived, she was unconscious, but other than a scrape on her knee looked unscathed.
[166] Due to her lack of consciousness, they decided to place a breathing tube, which is standing procedure with this standard procedure with this type of thing.
[167] The moment after pushing the meds to intubate, the patient began screaming hysterically.
[168] But since the meds had already been given, they had to intubate anyway.
[169] they sent the patient to a full body scan, but nothing was found.
[170] The social worker thought that the patient looked familiar and said that she would investigate.
[171] Meanwhile, my wife sent the patient to the ICU and went on with her shift.
[172] At the end of her shift, she went back to the social worker to fall up.
[173] And it turns out, this patient has Munchausen syndrome.
[174] When talking to the police, this woman was never even in the car.
[175] It turns out, this bitch was walking down the street, witnessed a car accident, and then threw herself into the nearby bushes.
[176] What the fuck?
[177] When EMS arrived, she played dead, pretending to be unconscious, and EMS assumed she was ejected from the car.
[178] The whole time the nurses and doctors were evaluating her, she was awake.
[179] Oh, my God.
[180] My wife estimated that from the ambulance ride, trauma admission to ER, and then the ICU stay, it cost her $30 ,000 in medical expenses.
[181] Holy shit.
[182] Love you guys, Erin.
[183] Oh, my God, that's awful.
[184] How sad, though.
[185] It's terrible.
[186] It's terrible, but what I'm laughing at, because I should explain why I'm laughing so hard, just the coincidence that a person with Munchausence is walking down the street when a terrible, I mean, a rollover car accident is a huge thing.
[187] And the first thing she thinks of is, I'm going to dive into the bushes and get me a piece of this action.
[188] Yeah, and it's like, oh, you have.
[189] might get fucked up from this more than you fucking well i have a car accident one too a little bit but it's lighthearted so don't worry oh my god uh this was called mf a minisode number 27 update lighthearted hello mfm team you read my submission about my emt dad back on minisode number 27 and i thought i would provide you an us update a small refresher when i was a kid we had come upon a flipped over a minivan on the side of the desolate road with a mom and several children trapped inside.
[190] I was a bit fuzzy on the details, but I remembered my dad coming back to the car covered in blood after performing life -saving measures.
[191] Casual.
[192] After that episode aired, I told my brother to listen, and once he finished, he messaged me, wait, you didn't even tell them the best part.
[193] And then she says, what best part?
[194] So my brother went on to tell me that, yes, everyone in the car survived.
[195] Somehow the woman was able to get my dad's contact info and sent him a Christmas card every year, giving him updates about the kids and continually thanking them for saving their lives.
[196] One year, she sent him a small guardian angel pin that my dad put in his truck.
[197] Cut to a few years later, my dad and my brother get into a horrific car accident near our home.
[198] The truck was teaboned and completely totaled.
[199] Fortunately, my dad and my brother walked away without a scratch.
[200] Whoa.
[201] My dad was really upset as he was unable to get the pin out of the car before it went away to whatever smashed up cars go.
[202] But I'm 100 % sure that this was a buttload of good karma coming back his way for saving that whole family years prior.
[203] Just wanted to give you guys an update.
[204] Can't wait for my rad dad to walk me down the aisle next month.
[205] He truly is the best.
[206] Stay sexy and make sure to cross -reference your stories with your siblings before you submitted them to a podcast.
[207] So, Jenna.
[208] That's hilarious.
[209] Wow.
[210] Oh, thank God they lived.
[211] I mean, Jesus Christ.
[212] Both of the car accidents.
[213] They, yeah.
[214] Shit, man. They're the worst.
[215] So bad.
[216] I hate them.
[217] Well, send us your shit.
[218] Send us your cards and horror stories.
[219] My favorite runner at Gmail.
[220] And stay sexy.
[221] And don't get murdered.
[222] Goodbye.
[223] Elvis, you want a cookie?