Hasan Minhaj Returns

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dax Randall Shepard.

[2] I'm joined by Monica Lily Padman.

[3] Hi.

[4] Your hair got wild over the last two seconds.

[5] Yeah, like I looked down in my phone.

[6] I looked up and it looked like there's a male lion in the room.

[7] What happened?

[8] Big Maine.

[9] Did you just shake it out when I wasn't looking?

[10] I don't think so.

[11] Oh my God.

[12] It's everywhere.

[13] Oh, my God.

[14] It's cascading over both shoulders.

[15] It's up above your headset.

[16] Ding, ding, ding, ding.

[17] What?

[18] Indians have gray hair.

[19] The greatest hair.

[20] Hussein.

[21] Hussein.

[22] Duck, Duck Goose, Hussein.

[23] Hussein Minaj is a friend of ours.

[24] We love him.

[25] We interviewed him.

[26] We loved him.

[27] Then he and I had this whole soap opera that took place transpired.

[28] Yes.

[29] We'll go through it in nauseating detail.

[30] No, it's interesting.

[31] But he's here to talk about his new comedy special, which we love.

[32] We had the great pleasure of seen live.

[33] Oh, I mean.

[34] Yeah.

[35] Yep, yep, he's back.

[36] That's what happening over and over here.

[37] I kept texting you so we could hear it do that.

[38] Oh, I was like, why does next keep texting hi?

[39] Turn the thing on so I can hear it when you wanted me to come here for the factory?

[40] Oh, yes, yes.

[41] Oh, we love it.

[42] Is that you or is that Urkel?

[43] That one's an Urkel.

[44] Oh, man. I told everyone it was you.

[45] But who would know?

[46] I mean, it's so identical.

[47] But I did, I could tell.

[48] Oh, you did.

[49] You called it.

[50] I called it out.

[51] Yeah, I think I bought that one for like $1 .99.

[52] Oh, wow.

[53] Well, you've gotten your dollar to the $99.

[54] Because it ruined several different intros and a couple of...

[55] Anyways, the King's Jester, which we saw live, and we had a great time seeing.

[56] What happened to do?

[57] Well, we've just started making the Find My Phone thing start going on, like, blaring.

[58] And I know as loud as it could.

[59] It's so...

[60] It's like the White Tessas.

[61] They just happened.

[62] They're popouts.

[63] They're popouts.

[64] So Hussein Minaj is here.

[65] He's an award -winning comedian, a writer, and a political commentator.

[66] He had the incredible show Patriot Act with Hassan Minaj.

[67] If you haven't watched that, please go to Netflix and check it out.

[68] He became very popular in the Daily Show.

[69] He had a great stand -up special a while back called Homecoming King, and this was such a blast.

[70] And he's got a great new special out, as we said, The King's Jester.

[71] This was one of my favorite conversations we've had in quite a while.

[72] Really fun.

[73] This was a time warp.

[74] Oh, Bussin.

[75] Manage.

[76] Oh, my God.

[77] Yes, it's Megalith.

[78] Just remember, this is on Fleek.

[79] On God, on God, Bussin Monage.

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[83] You're setting everything up over here, and I need you.

[84] I wanted you to set it all over here.

[85] Really?

[86] Because that's your special spot.

[87] It's your night stand.

[88] Don't you remember?

[89] I remember.

[90] Oh my God.

[91] So much has changed for all of us since you were here last.

[92] You seem like you have some hesitation right now.

[93] No, no, no, no. I'm just like.

[94] Tired.

[95] Are you tired?

[96] I'm fucking tired, man. Me too.

[97] Let's talk about our night of sleep because mine was absolutely horrific.

[98] And I'd love to walk you through it.

[99] There's nothing more boring than talking about your circadian rhythm.

[100] Yes.

[101] Maybe they're a dream in that.

[102] Let's start with yours, so I seem generous.

[103] No, start with yours.

[104] No, no. Did you stay out too late?

[105] You guys went and got Thai food?

[106] We went to Tai Town.

[107] To me, that's a perfect LA night.

[108] Yeah, yeah.

[109] Do you like Taetown, Monica?

[110] Yeah, wait, where is it?

[111] Right here.

[112] We're in Tai Town.

[113] You and I don't.

[114] Yeah, I love it.

[115] I live here.

[116] We don't, though.

[117] I'd order Thai, but I don't really go out in Thai town.

[118] The point we were making last night is like, we ordered Thai food way more than when we lived in Ty Town.

[119] Right.

[120] Interesting.

[121] And we would never walk.

[122] down the street to go to a Thai restaurant, which we should.

[123] Yeah.

[124] I like going to places in Los Angeles that's like, this ain't Hollywood.

[125] I love that.

[126] That's true.

[127] That's the cool part about K -Town.

[128] Could you extend that to like Korean barbecue downtown?

[129] Because when I go into those places, I'm like, what's happening?

[130] There's multiple fires burning in this restaurant.

[131] And there's 148 people in a place that has 80 capacity.

[132] And there's a line and it's not a scene.

[133] And no one could give a fuck that Dax and Kristen are here.

[134] Nor is anyone dressed up for the event.

[135] it's where the rubber meets the road.

[136] It's primal.

[137] Let's fucking grill this shit at our table.

[138] Were you there in Taicown as well?

[139] I wasn't, but I was with Hussein last night.

[140] Did you go to then?

[141] No, no, no, no. That's way too late for me. One of the themes I want to talk about today is graduating from things.

[142] Oh, okay.

[143] I wanted to say thank you for doing what you did last night.

[144] So for the listeners, Dax hosted this Q &A for the premiere for the special.

[145] Streaming now on Netflix?

[146] Oh my gosh.

[147] It's out currently.

[148] It's out.

[149] We were first on the tip.

[150] We were.

[151] you at Nokia and we were like let's get him in here right now so that everyone in America will go to these live shows you didn't need our help they all sold out so totally useless so now you played it right we do want people to watch it on Netflix that's the whole thing yes and you guys left this beautiful addendum and people told me about it and it was very sweet it was so special but last night was a Q &A yeah and it's a very vulnerable feeling because you're about to put something out you put a lot of time into I personally put a lot of money into it I did a lot of things that are not currently incentivized in show business, putting up personal equity, financial equity.

[152] Can I ask really quick, do you mean that you financed this thing yourself and it was a negative pickup for Netflix?

[153] No, not that, but the set needs to be this way.

[154] The lighting designer needs to be this way.

[155] The stage designer needs to be Scott Pask.

[156] We need Ludwig Gorensen to do the opening music, all that sort of stuff.

[157] And they're like, that's going to eat into everything.

[158] And I'm like, I don't care.

[159] I'm all greedy little pig.

[160] So I'm like, well, what percentage will I make?

[161] Really.

[162] So I admire when people are like, no, I don't give a fuck if I'm in debt after this.

[163] This thing has to be perfect.

[164] I like that.

[165] And so the vulnerability and fear that I have is that everybody calling me being like, dude, you're an idiot.

[166] Don't do this.

[167] It turns out to be right.

[168] They're vindicated.

[169] And it was all for not.

[170] Why would you spend that much money on a set?

[171] Yeah, it's a one and done.

[172] Yeah, it's somewhere in New Jersey somewhere and they're just chopping it up.

[173] See, some Guido has it in his backyard at his daughter's 16th birthday party.

[174] And he's like, that's Hassan Manage.

[175] And I'm like, what the fuck is that?

[176] Can I ask you this?

[177] This is nitty gritty.

[178] The money?

[179] How much I spent?

[180] But forget that.

[181] He does want to know that.

[182] Because it's on Netflix, there's no ancillary market.

[183] How does the performance affect whether or not this was a good gamble or not?

[184] The test that I put it to is emotional resonance.

[185] Okay.

[186] The degree to which it penetrates with people in their heart.

[187] For me, that's everything.

[188] When you guys came to the show in Nokia and when Monica was showing love, Yes.

[189] It meant everything to me. It was much deeper than showing love.

[190] So much more than Dax.

[191] Good, thank you.

[192] Of course.

[193] Like, in orders of magnitude more.

[194] Well.

[195] Because I also know how tough the standard is.

[196] There is an implicit thing of perhaps if Monica looks at me. He's like, you know, it looks like my cousin.

[197] Comron's up there doing stand -up or Pritha -k is up there doing stand -up.

[198] Like, really?

[199] I have to surpass that feeling.

[200] And I'm extra.

[201] You know, I'm in there like...

[202] Mm -hmm.

[203] Exactly.

[204] I don't, I'm not going to feel...

[205] A lot of...

[206] Energy.

[207] No, I'll say for Monica, like what I gave you was praise.

[208] What Monica gave you was a kind of life moment, a reflection.

[209] Oh, my God, I could have done that.

[210] It was like an epiphany.

[211] Yes.

[212] You gave me an epiphany.

[213] So let's just spell it out for people, because I know we talked about it after we saw it, but that was over a year ago.

[214] So let's just say we're on our way home from that, and you're saying these things.

[215] Yeah, I said, oh, wow, I chose this lane of, totally erasing anything Indian and I didn't want to look at it and that's not me and that's not me. That's not me. Because I thought that was the way to get acceptance and get success and you didn't do that.

[216] You were so authentic and you own it and it worked.

[217] And I was watching it like, oh my God, you can do it.

[218] You can be authentic and appealing and lovable and all those things that I thought was totally impossible to do and you did it and it was so beautiful.

[219] It was so beautiful.

[220] I loved it.

[221] I'm thinking out loud, I could totally be wrong about this.

[222] I guess Aziz incorporates a lot of his background into his work as well.

[223] Aziz does, but it is different.

[224] You're coming in and out of speaking, it's different.

[225] Yeah.

[226] I'm masked off, bro.

[227] And it scares me like when you're doing that.

[228] I'm cursing in Hindi.

[229] Yeah.

[230] I actually got to give props to the person that I originally saw do this.

[231] John Luguizam Those performances that he had in the early 2000s For him as a Latino performer And he fucked up Broadway The Black Tank Top and he's speaking Spanish and English And he's hot and he's sexy Broadway's not built for that It's built for like Billy Crystal And that sort of vibe And I'm a big believer in history repeats itself Then deletes itself So people quickly forget None of this is new We were told to saying that I love that Dax hates Which is too obscure History doesn't repeat itself, it rhymes Oh, yeah.

[232] You love it?

[233] You're right on board.

[234] Yeah, I love it.

[235] I love it.

[236] I love it.

[237] I love how we're just talking an Etsy, you know, statements.

[238] The point is, so for me, I was like, I want to do that.

[239] And if it works, hopefully people will be like, I think I really know, Hassan.

[240] Yes.

[241] And it's not a facade or it's not something that will ebb and flow based on the algorithm every couple years where I'm like regurgitating talking points that other kids are doing.

[242] Because I've felt that before.

[243] I'm like, oh, this is just high school all over again.

[244] Yeah.

[245] This is an old Seinfeld thing.

[246] I remember hearing him on Stern saying, you know you have an act and then you're taking it around the country.

[247] And the act is developed in New York City.

[248] So you have jokes about being in a cab and that unique experience of being in a New York cab.

[249] And then you think, well, this isn't going to translate when I go to Oklahoma because those people don't ride in cabs.

[250] But what you're doing is you're finding a human truth within the cab experience that someone easily transplants onto something else.

[251] It's kind of universal, right?

[252] So it's like even through your specificity, I'm in the office.

[253] audience relating enormously because the themes as unique as they are, they're not.

[254] The words are different.

[255] Totally.

[256] The core theme, actually, when I was thinking about it, it's like a proclamation and declaration of love for yourself.

[257] Yes.

[258] There's a part of me, and I want to get to this, we got to squash our little thing.

[259] Well, it's already been squashed, but we'll let the listener ride it out.

[260] But it actually is a call in a declaration of love for yourself.

[261] I think that's what I felt.

[262] He's accepted himself and I love him.

[263] I think he became a role model in a little more.

[264] Yeah, it was really special.

[265] I don't want to do that, but I do love our people.

[266] I love my people.

[267] I love the color of our skin.

[268] I love the way Indian girls, their eyes are this beautiful almond shape.

[269] I love the little sideburn hair here.

[270] I love the way the back part of your arm fat feels and my arm fat feels too.

[271] It's so daisy.

[272] It's like a squishy little thing.

[273] And Cody, Corey and Cole are never going to get that, but I will.

[274] There's that great line from Tupac.

[275] Tupac cares if nobody else cares.

[276] That's the way I feel about our people.

[277] And I don't want to actually make it a divisive thing.

[278] If you really go underneath it, it's like the game, media, Hollywood, Instagram will make you feel less than.

[279] Of course.

[280] I'm not tall enough, yoked enough.

[281] And I think there is this feeling of all of that coolness is actually in my living room.

[282] And as a kid, I always thought, I'm like, man, if I could only be butta, if I can only be like bubble.

[283] And I then came to Hollywood.

[284] And it's the same game.

[285] man, if only I was like Phoebe Waller Bridge and if only I was like Donald Gloop and I'm like fuck that we are amazing too Urdu poetry comes from us all that Etsy roomy shit that white girls have on that's us my grandma writes Urdu Poet that's us you're doing fucking downward dog yoga and like doing ayahuasca you're doing us wait you're claiming ayahuas I'm not claiming ayahuas because the whole thing about like I'm gonna go meet with a bundet all that stuff they're gonna give me my mantra I'm like bro we've been doing this sure And there's a part of me that's like, wait a second, I thought that if UCB accepted me, Hussein Minhaj, I would be cool.

[286] I'm like, we've been cool.

[287] We have a history of cool.

[288] Language, poetry, food, culture, architecture.

[289] Then when I go back to India, they can speak multiple language.

[290] I'm like, y 'all need to catch up.

[291] So that's the undercurrent of it of just like, I actually think you're confused.

[292] Wow, it's powerful.

[293] It's visceral for me. I'm mad you didn't yell preach at any point.

[294] That was a prime opportunity once in your life to be able to say preach.

[295] I know, but I'm not there yet.

[296] I'm getting there, but I am still that person.

[297] But I'm a husband now and a father.

[298] Both of us are married to small women.

[299] Small powerful.

[300] Yeah.

[301] Bina's a five foot.

[302] She says five foot one.

[303] I think she's five feet.

[304] Good drafty girl.

[305] Things have happened in her life.

[306] She'll get overlooked.

[307] People will speak over her.

[308] Someone will cut her in line at a coffee shop.

[309] Her day is mired by all these things where, where she feels like, hey, are you not respecting my personal space, my autonomy, and my presence here?

[310] The hip -hop term of it would be, are you sunning me right now?

[311] Are you putting me in my place?

[312] There are these little things where she goes, you may not understand, you're taller, people not recognize you, you're famous.

[313] You're handsome in an Anglo way.

[314] Sure, sure, whatever.

[315] She'll take our kids to a park or whatever.

[316] They might assume she's a nanny.

[317] All these sort of things of just like, fuck this.

[318] And there's part of me where all have to be.

[319] the dame dash to her j -Z i'll be her hype man i'm like fuck her with her fucking sunburned skin look at the way your skin glows look at the way your hair is so thick and full you're gonna let her make you feel small look at your eyebrows yeah i'm like let's the envy of this entire fucking block yeah and i'm just like and you work and you have two kids and you're one of the fucking most banging ladies at this parent -teacher conference don't let people make you feel small so attractive so like i kind of have this thing where i got to hype her up that's nice yeah and i think there's a little bit of we don't believe in ourselves.

[320] Yes.

[321] I'm here to tell Bina, we're not going to ask anybody else to give that to you.

[322] You're enough, and I'm going to be here your whole life telling you that you're enough.

[323] You're going to be great, Bean.

[324] Yeah.

[325] I mean it, sincerely.

[326] You're so fly.

[327] Okay, I have to say something because you said something a second ago, and now I feel like I have to say it or it's not honest or truthful, but the hair, this like little hair on your face right here, I had that lasered off.

[328] Okay.

[329] Because to me, that would be impossible that anyone would like that.

[330] Because I grew up in white America.

[331] I think it's cute, though.

[332] I think it's super cute.

[333] I know, but I guess that's what's so...

[334] Okay, I have one thing I want to push back on, too.

[335] You are framing it as only you can appreciate it, not Corey, Kevin, or whatever white guy names you threw out.

[336] That's the part I call bullshit on.

[337] Humans can appreciate humans.

[338] You're not uniquely qualified to enjoy that little unique chub right here.

[339] Yeah.

[340] Okay, I can totally recognize what's...

[341] happening right here when I grab Monica right here?

[342] What a unique, incredible sensation?

[343] I'm setting up this debate because you came with the agenda.

[344] I came into the agenda.

[345] I love a agenda.

[346] Not against Monica.

[347] Not against Monica.

[348] It's okay.

[349] That she needs to like brown boys.

[350] Oh, let's get.

[351] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[352] Nobody has a monopoly on loving or appreciating.

[353] Love is love.

[354] Love is love.

[355] And appreciation and everything.

[356] But you also must love yourself.

[357] That's not my complaint.

[358] Let's be very clear about my complaint.

[359] Okay, what's the complaint?

[360] Your statement was, I love those hairs.

[361] I love the color your skin.

[362] I love the shape of your eyes, and Corey, Kevin, and whatever, Brandon, can't.

[363] I'm just planning a flag.

[364] Sure.

[365] When your debate with Monica comes up, I'm going to reference this.

[366] Yeah.

[367] Okay.

[368] It's the commonality and shared lived experience.

[369] That's it.

[370] There is a thing of, I can appreciate it, and that is true.

[371] I can accept you as a friend and as a brother.

[372] Even despite if we come from different creeds or classes, that's codified in my faith as well as a Muslim.

[373] What I'm talking about is one of my best friends growing up, Andrew, him and his dad would go to Cubs games, and they love the cubbies.

[374] And like, dad cracks open to brusky.

[375] Yeah.

[376] They go on a pub crawl.

[377] I'm like, what's a pub crawl?

[378] I've never drink alcohol.

[379] You know what I'm practicing Muslim?

[380] I've never had that.

[381] So I'll go up to my friends is like Dax and Derek and Dan and I'll go, what's the crawl?

[382] Like, what is that?

[383] And they're like, what?

[384] They're able to speak to a certain Irish Catholic, Boston, Chicago upbringing.

[385] And I could come along, but it's like, you guys see each other in a certain way, and that's okay.

[386] But you are dead right that there is a segment of white America that's been on a pub crawl with their dad and been to a fucking cubbies game.

[387] Yeah.

[388] Not me. Not anyone I grew up with.

[389] Sure.

[390] We didn't have fucking dads.

[391] So that's what I'm pumping the brakes a little bit.

[392] I do think your concept of the white male is a little too generic.

[393] You have to recognize that 65 % of the country is white.

[394] There's 300 million Americans.

[395] You're talking about 210 million.

[396] And some of us grew up in abject poverty.

[397] Some of us grew up with dads that ran trust funds.

[398] So I'm asking you to extend that there's this enormous variety in Chad, Dax, Devin, and Kevin.

[399] Full submission to that.

[400] Okay.

[401] Because I don't relate to these dudes you're talking about either.

[402] But it's a sector of white males who often run the world.

[403] Yes, I'll agree with that.

[404] And so that's the person that you're looking at when you grow up.

[405] By the way, Dax, I mean this sincerely.

[406] I do love you as a person.

[407] and I do love anybody that rocks with my lived experience that comes out supports.

[408] There's a ton of different types of people that come out to support.

[409] This actually more is of a moment of I'm at Monica's parents' house and we're like in the living room and I go, hey, can we go to your room and play on 64 and we close the door?

[410] And this is me just being like, I think you're really beautiful and charming and stunning and amazing.

[411] I just want to let you know that.

[412] And I know I look like a guy you went to Sunday school with or temple with.

[413] I just want to let you know that I see that beauty in you in a very unique specific way.

[414] and I see that beauty in myself too.

[415] Yeah, I love it.

[416] And I love that we both have a little bit of fuzz on our arms, but that doesn't mean we can't get it popping.

[417] In a way that's not being shown in She's All That or Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but we're both worthy of that type of love.

[418] I couldn't be more supportive.

[419] It's not that nobody else is excluded from that.

[420] I just want to have that private moment in the thing and then just be like, I think you're really beautiful and special.

[421] And white folks don't need defending.

[422] Level the blows.

[423] And by the way, you are so right to use a blanket statement in any which direction.

[424] Then what?

[425] It's just hack jokes.

[426] What's the greater observation about that?

[427] By the way, if I didn't know we were coming eventually to an evaluation of Monica's sexual desires, I wouldn't even, no, hold on.

[428] This is about love, but attraction.

[429] If I didn't know we were coming to that, I would have felt no need to intervene with your total layout, which is beautiful and I'm supportive of.

[430] But because I know what's coming, that's why the breadcrumbs have been dropped.

[431] I'm so excited.

[432] Okay, so let's first start.

[433] We had you on some years ago.

[434] I adored you.

[435] I think I made that very clear.

[436] Past tense.

[437] No, no, no, no, no, no. Thinks you're his brother.

[438] You left and I adored you.

[439] I even thought in my head, somehow he and I can be friends at some point.

[440] I'm going to say a year later, I get a email from my publicist that says, wow, this, you and Husson things really blowing up online.

[441] And I'm like, what me and Husson thing?

[442] And then he sends me like 10 articles.

[443] Now, here's my recollection.

[444] I'm open to you correcting that.

[445] You were involved with some kind of interview.

[446] Vanity Fair lie detector test.

[447] Yeah, no, no, no, we got it, let's paint the picture.

[448] Because we can't go to archival.

[449] Continue.

[450] See, it's happening right now.

[451] Like, I love you so much.

[452] Okay.

[453] So then it's brought to my attention that you were talking about the struggle of being a performer in Hollywood and that there was a movement to give white schlubs their own show.

[454] And they were handing out shows to white schlubs.

[455] And then you mentioned me. You rate me at being a six.

[456] You're getting the order wrong.

[457] I hope it is a testimony.

[458] to how much I've moved beyond it.

[459] By the time I'm catching up with this, it's basically like, you said I was a schlub who got his own show, and I'm a six.

[460] That's kind of what I heard.

[461] Uh -huh.

[462] Okay, so you tell me the order and what was really said.

[463] All right, first thing's first.

[464] It's very important to hear what is actually in the audio.

[465] I think what you're saying is what you interpreted, not what you heard.

[466] Possibly.

[467] The lie detector test is like, have you ever not gone outside because you've had a bad hair day?

[468] No. And it's like, eh, like, you're lying, right?

[469] It's like, oh, fuck.

[470] Like, it's a photo of like, Nick Kroll and John Malenia, like, are you jealous of their friendship?

[471] And I'm like, no. And it's like, okay, I am.

[472] Sometimes I really want them to text me back and validate me. Then they're like, do you think this person, and so photo, Dax, is just like, how attractive do you think this person is?

[473] Do you think this person's a 10?

[474] Okay.

[475] So when I complain about how I look on hearing people are like, get over it, you're handsome.

[476] I'm a part of so many articles of a hot girl with an ugly guy.

[477] There is a whole movement on the internet that I have seen.

[478] And then the notion that Vanity Fair would ask you to have evaluate me, again, confirms what I'm saying, that there's a, there is a movement that thinks I'm very unattractive.

[479] I'm sorry, for that movement.

[480] And then I'll apologize to you for what I've done.

[481] Okay, go ahead.

[482] So basically, they were just trying to be like, hey, are you hotter than him?

[483] Yes.

[484] Now look, I'm going to tell this to your face.

[485] You are hotter than me. The same way, if we were playing pickup basketball.

[486] You're going to get this work, Dex.

[487] Yeah, yeah.

[488] First of all, not in pickup basketball, but you are much better looking than me. We could play whores, 21, whatever you want it.

[489] Yeah.

[490] In that kind of belief in myself, which is honorable, is, what goes back to this little convoy that me and Monica were having in the bedroom during the birthday party downstairs.

[491] Yes.

[492] It's a little bit of, oh, you want me to go head to head?

[493] And this has nothing to do with you.

[494] It's on us.

[495] It's on me. The way I was raised of there is something culturally of being humble, not thinking too high of yourself in conflating at times confidence with arrogance.

[496] That's our biggest problem that my parents kind of instilled in me. If you exhibit any level of confidence, my dad would be like, yes, I'm not caro, don't do that.

[497] You shouldn't talk like that.

[498] That's not right.

[499] And that can be to your detriment.

[500] You can hold.

[501] yourself small in order to accomplish anything you have to believe and dream big and you have to start with that that's why you're drawn to hip hop it's revelatory exactly these dudes owning their shit to me hip hop is just the h1b visa story you don't want me in and i'm coming yeah totally it's great right okay that's what i connect to so part of that statement and dax it wasn't even about you it was just about me being like man put anybody next i don't care and i'll be honest here's the trauma i'm caring trauma why am i said it's no trauma i'm a fucking Baggage.

[502] Performer, whatever.

[503] We shouldn't take ourselves this seriously.

[504] The chip on my shoulder was this, is that sometimes when I was coming up, when I first moved to L .A. in 2009, and I'm auditioning for the untitled Adam Sezekiel pilot, when I'm auditioning for Ben Fox is my manny.

[505] And I'm like killing myself for these fucking garbage pilots.

[506] My agent would tell me, well, you did good in the read, but they just don't see you as the lead.

[507] And then I'm hanging out with the monicas and other girls and blah, blah, blah.

[508] And they go, isn't Ryan Gosling so hot?

[509] I go, this motherfucker who always.

[510] looks like he hasn't taken his claritin.

[511] He always looks like he's halfway fallen asleep.

[512] He's taking his claritin.

[513] This guy, who's always quasi -sleepy, you think he can hold, he can hold Rithic Roshin one -on -one.

[514] Are you kidding me?

[515] I go, can he sing?

[516] Can he dance?

[517] Does he have green eyes like a fucking leopard?

[518] This guy can't hold any Bollywood Stars jock.

[519] Runvir Singh can dance, and he's ripped, and he's yoke.

[520] He does nine things.

[521] And don't tell me Lala Land.

[522] is dancing.

[523] We've been dancing.

[524] We've been dancing.

[525] Really dancing.

[526] Get the fuck out of here.

[527] Oh, I love it.

[528] Am I lying?

[529] No, no, no. You were an avatar for this macro thing.

[530] It's the lack of qualitative honesty between the two things.

[531] Are both of these objectively the same?

[532] Look at this person that's doing nine things, this movie star that can speak eight languages that is going between Hindi film, hip -hop, crumping, Kathuk, Bart Nathi, all those things, and being elegant and crying.

[533] and you're comparing just a little bit of jazz hands and saying they're the same.

[534] Stop it.

[535] Okay, hold on though.

[536] It's a power we've given white people.

[537] The immediate go -to is, well, yeah, they're better.

[538] We have to confront a certain reality.

[539] This star you're talking about, the Bollywood star, he can't go to China and be a big star.

[540] There is a marketplace.

[541] You cannot get around the market.

[542] Bollywood is huge in China, bro.

[543] It's huge in Afghanistan.

[544] It's huge around the world.

[545] The same way I have an ethnocentric myopic, misunderstanding of the cubbies, you also have a myopic worldview, an ethnocentric bias where you're not seeing that.

[546] And I'm here to grab your hand, bro.

[547] Let's get on a plane right now.

[548] Let me show you this world.

[549] Well, listen, you are correct.

[550] Yeah.

[551] But I just need to point out, Noah's saying, should we get Runvier Singh or should we get Ryan Gosling?

[552] They were saying we're going to make a movie that is going to play in the United States.

[553] Who opens the movie in United States?

[554] Because that's where this movie is being made in the primary investment.

[555] We're not going to confront that reality.

[556] Riz Ahmed is one of the greatest working actors right now.

[557] Riz Ahmed is a fucking beast.

[558] I've said this to his face.

[559] I've said this on panels.

[560] He's on a Joaquin Phoenix at the Oscars every year level.

[561] But that same argument would be like, can he open a movie?

[562] Can he blah, blah, blah, blah.

[563] Can he do those things?

[564] All I'm pointing out to you is that the argument wasn't who's better.

[565] By the way, it's not who's better between white guys.

[566] You think Ben Affleck has been the best actor out there for some of these roles?

[567] he was somebody people wanted to go see on Friday nights.

[568] So I just want to be clear that the analysis was never qualitative.

[569] If you wanted the economic debate, you have been proven right.

[570] But just the premise of who's better was never on the table.

[571] I don't believe.

[572] So rest in peace, Airfan Khan, one of the greatest, not only Bollywood dramatic actors, but he started crossing over and doing movies here.

[573] If you ever seen the movie The Lunchbox, he's incredible in the Lunchbox.

[574] He was in Jurassic World.

[575] this is that classic thing of you're a huge star over there he literally has like three lines like get in the helicopter that's it and then the helicopter crashes oh so it's bad advice yeah you know what I mean it's not good advice you know qualitatively this guy has off the charts skills and actors know that's the issue I just hit you up and said please watch triple R yeah triple R's great that movie as a directorial accomplishment dwarfs Almost every movie that's been released in the last 10 years.

[576] So I'm bowing down and conceding that the talent level is beyond.

[577] You don't have a pushback on that whatsoever.

[578] I'm only pointing out that the analysis, the glasses that were being worn in 2006, which proved to be wrong.

[579] But I just would hate for you as part of your synthesis of it to think that someone held up those two pictures and said, Brian Gosling's more talented.

[580] Right, that's true.

[581] Talent is unfortunately just a small piece.

[582] for everyone here.

[583] This is where I need to apologize to you.

[584] And I think a lot of people, actually.

[585] Actually, just you.

[586] Okay.

[587] I apologize for doing that game that went viral.

[588] Give people the answer.

[589] You said you're more handsome than me, which, again, I agree.

[590] No, truly, you are absolutely better looking at you.

[591] My wife is much more attracted to you than she is to me. This is a very stupid thing.

[592] That's true.

[593] It's not good to do.

[594] But hold on.

[595] We're still not to my issue.

[596] Okay.

[597] So then they said, we'll give them a number.

[598] And you went with six.

[599] which ironically, if you were to go back and listen to this podcast or watch me on Conan O 'Brien, that is the number I get myself all the time.

[600] I've always called myself a six.

[601] So I'm on full record agreeing with you that I'm a six.

[602] Wasn't my issue.

[603] Go ahead.

[604] Yes.

[605] So what ends up happening is there is a series of movies that come out where it's just called relatable leading guy.

[606] It's an every man guy at the pub crawl, right?

[607] Yeah, yeah.

[608] However, the requirement for the studio.

[609] to then back that same lead and have that person be black.

[610] They got to be Idriselba.

[611] They got to be Daniel Kaluah.

[612] They got to be...

[613] It's the Chris Rock joke.

[614] He lives next to an average dentist.

[615] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[616] Average one of my neighbor is.

[617] It's a fucking dentist.

[618] You know what I would have to do to have the same house and be a dentist?

[619] I'd have to invent teeth.

[620] Perfect joke.

[621] Yes, yes, yes.

[622] I'm encapsulating that for the Daniel Day Kim's.

[623] You've got to have a jawline that can fucking cut bread and be diced, and 3%.

[624] body fat and be erudite and smart and sensitive and have women like you you have to have 15 things you have to be the best the best yeah we're in agreement yeah yeah okay just to enter the conversation you don't now you're on big bang theory there is no paul rudd area for you no b plus strata no no no no the suit's got to be perfect the abs got to be perfect every type of girl has to like you you have to be just fucking bang it cut through it all so that was my point so i learn of this The thing that I get really hurt by is the suggestion that the opportunities I was given or where I'm at in life was as a result of a casting call for average white male.

[625] That's what hurts my feelings.

[626] The implication being that I didn't work the same way as these worked, write my own shit, direct my own shit, self -create, self -generate.

[627] And that feeling, you are so right to feel that way.

[628] So I Instagramed you and I basically said, what is all this about?

[629] I thought we were bros, basically.

[630] And you, to your credit, you said, Can I call you?

[631] That's nice.

[632] Right.

[633] I'm glad I reached out.

[634] I probably couldn't have at 39.

[635] At 45, I was like, I'm just going to open up a conversation about this.

[636] And then you, to your credit, said, let's get on the phone.

[637] I was with the kids.

[638] I walked out to the porch.

[639] And let me tell you something.

[640] This thing goes viral.

[641] Because, by the way, it was an innocuous throwaway joke from a Vanity Fair interview in, like, 2019.

[642] They put you on the lie detector test, and they're swiping through a million things.

[643] I'm doing this joke about, I just need to have abs.

[644] then I can be number one on the call sheet.

[645] That's basically the point I'm making that need to be excellent.

[646] The Chris Rock joke.

[647] I got to invent teeth, okay?

[648] It started to feel bad in my heart.

[649] Like my heart didn't feel good because I know Dax.

[650] Yeah.

[651] And Dax is a good dude.

[652] And Dax and Kristen are good people.

[653] There were two things.

[654] I go out to the porch.

[655] I call him and Dax just said what he just said just now.

[656] Hey, man, it made me feel like you were negating my work and my experience and all of that.

[657] And by the way, what you're speaking to is the biggest problem that the Democratic Party is having right now in communicating with America.

[658] You are reducing millions of people's lives down to these like very triggering words as if they don't suffer from poverty, opioid addiction, economic plight.

[659] Everybody goes through that.

[660] And just because of your skin color does not mean you don't experience pain.

[661] It's fucked up.

[662] And there's a nice chunk of those cubby crawlers.

[663] They got it made.

[664] Real talk?

[665] Well, nobody's got it made.

[666] The people that God have made, I'm talking about what you were talking about at the beginning of this conference.

[667] You're like, there's millions of people.

[668] And for me, my faith, my heart, the religion I believe in the way I grew up, it's about loving truly everybody.

[669] Everybody is hand -in -hand brother.

[670] I'm trying to accomplish two things with my art. I want my people to have a little bit more confidence.

[671] For real.

[672] And that's okay.

[673] By the way, I've been in the audience and you're giving it to them.

[674] The audience is all brown and it is their fucking moment.

[675] It's like people watching in the 80s public enemy.

[676] They're there like, oh, no, that's right.

[677] We rule.

[678] Yeah.

[679] And I want Dax and Kristen and everybody to be like, I never saw politics that way.

[680] That's such a great Queen of England joke.

[681] Oh, wow.

[682] That's such a great take on hedge funds.

[683] It's that too.

[684] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[685] It's that too.

[686] So I'm trying to do both at the same time.

[687] Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

[688] If you dare.

[689] What's up, guys, it's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[690] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[691] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[692] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[693] And I don't mean just friends.

[694] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[695] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[696] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[697] We've all been there.

[698] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[699] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[700] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started joking, jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[701] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[702] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[703] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[704] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[705] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon music.

[706] Let's get to the thing about reducing people's experience.

[707] So what you were talking about is like, hey, man, the way you positioned that made it seem like I didn't work hard.

[708] and my life has not been filled with pain and agony and suffering.

[709] Well, also, I didn't get offered a lead.

[710] I wrote myself.

[711] Exactly.

[712] So you did work hard and you have gone through a lot of pain and suffering.

[713] And I see that.

[714] And I apologize if it ever felt like it was positioned that way.

[715] And to anybody, if I ever made a joke or a piece of art that made anyone feel like I don't see their humanity and suffering, that's fucked up on my part.

[716] Because I'm asking the same of the audience, hey, see me. the second thing I want to apologize for is to position this thing as if it's zero sum that's really fucked up and dangerous this is the ugly thing about the whole representation affirmative action this whole conversation you're turning this shit into game of thrones you're turning this into the fucking hunger games there can only be one that can turn the discourse into a very ugly thing what you're talking about is like 2006 being on here reading pilots and back then that was true there was three networks they had nine -time slots for the week.

[717] It was kind of zero -sum.

[718] And then, unforeseeable, we have this explosion in all these platforms, and we literally 100 -X content all of a sudden.

[719] And now it gets less and less zero -sum.

[720] Completely unforeseeable.

[721] Yeah.

[722] But about the zero -sum, all these articles of like, Hus and Minhaj blasts, average Dax Shepard, that's so not cool because, again, you're making it zero -sum.

[723] We can only celebrate.

[724] Yes, King.

[725] we stand a king and fuck this guy and it's gone the other way too we love this guy fuck this cringy hack liberal puppet or whatever people have called me all that is to say is it is really bad to make it zero some and behind closed doors that's going to make society our communities in the country more divided and i'm sorry for participating in that game unknowingly well first of all you apologize on the phone you're a class act i left the call I felt great.

[726] Now, did I think you and I are now going to have a long -storied friendship?

[727] At that moment, pessimistic about that.

[728] Really?

[729] Not because I was carrying any more resentment.

[730] It's just like, oh, that was a wild ride.

[731] It's like, I met you, loved you, and this thing.

[732] Okay, now I'm an apology.

[733] Now we're just like, okay.

[734] Then, universe, that tricky bitch.

[735] My dad.

[736] Your father, Ashok's simulation, which we are all part of.

[737] We're all a part of it.

[738] Yes.

[739] We are going to attend this weird event in Montana last summer.

[740] Yes.

[741] and we get an email, okay, you'll be staying in this house, you'll be staying with Hussein and his wife, Bina.

[742] And I thought two things right away.

[743] Wow, this is ironic.

[744] B, thank God, we have that phone call.

[745] Like, had we never had the phone call, we never cleared that up, and we both get sent to that house.

[746] Who knows what happens?

[747] Yeah.

[748] Okay, but we had handled our business, we cleaned up, and so I went into it kind of excited.

[749] Now, this is a chapter of the story I haven't shared with you.

[750] We get to this house.

[751] I love a surprise.

[752] And you make it the funest four days.

[753] You personally and your family, I fucking fall in love with your little girl.

[754] I'm just obsessed with her.

[755] Don't say her name on the thing.

[756] We haven't shared her name, okay.

[757] Charles.

[758] Yeah, Charles is a cute.

[759] You pitudy.

[760] Chuckie Minaj.

[761] Okay, I meet her, I'm in love with her, meet the little boy, meet being his mom.

[762] What a great thing.

[763] We've just landed into family world.

[764] We got our kids there.

[765] It was heaven.

[766] You and I are equally obsessed with the fact that Tom Brady is at this place.

[767] TB 12's in the house.

[768] We're hunting him.

[769] We're tracking him.

[770] You had to run in with them at the gym.

[771] You'd then try to coordinate all your workouts to him.

[772] To him.

[773] Through the course of this four days, I love you even more.

[774] And you are availing yourself to me in a way that I have found it impossible to do.

[775] Where you're treating me, whether I was right or wrong about this, with a monocum of mentorship.

[776] Big bro.

[777] And I was enjoying it so much that I had a moment about a week after that trip land.

[778] that had never occurred to me in this whole saga, which was, I was like, I now see how Hassan views me. I was not assuming that's how you viewed me. Yeah, for sure.

[779] And I said this to Kristen, I was sitting in a car waiting for my kids to come out of school.

[780] And I was like, oh my God, I think he likes me so much that he was like, I can totally punch up to him.

[781] It occurred to me, this bizarrely might have been an enormous compliment that I didn't even think I was on a strata where you felt totally safe.

[782] I'm just going to punch up at this guy.

[783] He's got it made.

[784] Who gives it fun?

[785] He's safe.

[786] And should I have felt flattered by it that you thought I could weather that light little jab?

[787] I don't know if that was the right conclusion but that's the one I ended up walking with that made me feel really good.

[788] I was hoping for that because if you remember the way I quote tweeted that viral clip as I go, I just Google image Dak Shepard Abbs.

[789] It's that photo of you and you know this photo.

[790] Yeah, from when in Rome.

[791] It's you and the Beanie and you got the eight pack and the highway to the groin.

[792] You got the two arrows.

[793] The two arrows just pointing hop on the four o groin.

[794] So it was a little bit of fun and game.

[795] But when I heard you on the phone and when I saw the vultures online fall for the meat, again, make it very, yeah, I hate him.

[796] It's team this or this, Yankees or Red Sox.

[797] Yeah.

[798] To support Hussein, you must be against.

[799] Yeah.

[800] And I go, this zero -sum mentality is horrible for communities, culture, society, in your heart, I don't want to participate in.

[801] I'm very sorry for that.

[802] But yeah, it was big bro energy.

[803] And I don't know if I got a chance to tell you.

[804] but the thing that Bina and I love most about Dax and Kristen is that you guys have gone through all these hills and hurdles of life and I'm 37 now and to see you go through struggle, addiction, marital ups and downs, money, fame, having it, losing it, all of that sort of stuff, that wisdom is something that as a Petawan I want to learn.

[805] Petowan, tell me. That's a student.

[806] A student of the Jedi.

[807] Yeah.

[808] Oh, God, I thought you were speaking.

[809] So there's Jedi.

[810] And there's the Padawan, yeah.

[811] Oh, wonderful.

[812] And the Petowan learned from the Jedi how to wield the lightsaber.

[813] Did you think that was?

[814] Did you think Hindi?

[815] I didn't know.

[816] I jumped.

[817] I jumped through metaphors.

[818] And I do, I do Hindi and I jump and I do do do metaphors.

[819] There's a lot of stuff happening.

[820] Oh, my God.

[821] And it has a vaguely.

[822] It sounds bad.

[823] Yeah, yeah.

[824] It sounds pretty Hindi too.

[825] In fact, they probably ripped it off.

[826] Yeah, yeah.

[827] I'm sure if I went somewhere.

[828] It's probably appropriation.

[829] Somewhere in India, there's like, like someone with the word at Petherwan or whatever.

[830] I'm like, Petherwin, come here.

[831] Okay, so that was our whole journey.

[832] Yeah.

[833] And so I remember leaving that thing.

[834] And I go, man, I love where Dax is at.

[835] Where he can just pull up to places wearing overalls with no shirt.

[836] It's truly no fucks given.

[837] And I'm starting to hit this point because I'm at this weird juncture in my life.

[838] When you're young, there's a lot of burning desire inside of you and this desire to prove.

[839] and the world needs to be this way and if it's not you're bad and what I've noticed with the older brothers and older sisters that I look up to there's a little bit more of wisdom and acceptance that you are going to get things you are going to lose things and that's part of it you don't come out of this unscathed it's not personal it's life yeah and your ability to deal with like the jokes about chips and you're not trying to clout chase or ladder climb or position yourself or whatever you just are who you are my experience in this country has not been like yours.

[840] But I was white trash.

[841] And in my town, we were fucking disgusting.

[842] And so I too amender a journey of, I love this shit.

[843] I love the overalls.

[844] I love the fucking four -wheeler's on the back of my bus.

[845] I too am at a place where it's like, no, my folks rule.

[846] Come to the barbecue, we got the best food.

[847] BJ the Chicago kid.

[848] Like, that's my song.

[849] I too am embracing and hoping to let other kids just like you.

[850] again, I'm not equivocating, but I too have learned to own.

[851] Yeah, I'm white trash, and it worked out.

[852] But that to me is why it's two things.

[853] Dude, I sound like a politician right now, but it is why I love the arts and our country is at its best when it's doing that.

[854] I got into comedy because I felt like I'm a fucking mutant.

[855] This is my superpower.

[856] I can shoot lasers out of my eyes, and you can shoot shit out of your hands, and Monica can fly.

[857] We all have these different superpowers.

[858] I'm an improviser.

[859] I can sing.

[860] I can do this.

[861] I can do that.

[862] And that was our connective tissue.

[863] the creative superpowers we have.

[864] And when it's about that, that to me is when you really see somebody.

[865] It's not about their nouns or their pronouns.

[866] It's their adjectives that describes the noun.

[867] Totally.

[868] Wow, this person's clever.

[869] They're witty.

[870] That describes the noun.

[871] That's the sauce that we chase.

[872] I mean, if you're collaborating on a script with anyone, you're like, who is the smartest writer?

[873] Who can give me the most clever punch -up joke?

[874] It's about that qualitative aspect.

[875] and what's cool about art and free enterprise when it's at its best is that it becomes the marketplace of those things not the other things that divide us the nouns and the pronouns and those things that divide us that's why I love this shit the hustle of expression yeah and vibing with you on that language vibing with you on that vibration and then us being able to be like oh fuck I'm gonna come to the barbecue and you're like dude I'm gonna come to your show yeah yeah and going like man those superpowers that you have and me experiencing singing with you, made my world bigger.

[876] You and Kristen have probably never been to an Indian wedding or Diwali or Eith, but you guys should come and it will make your world bigger.

[877] Yes.

[878] And I could ride an ATV and go on a pub crawl and it would make my world bigger.

[879] Well, yeah.

[880] Not to bring it back to Vanity Fair, but I do want to say it's kind of a microcosm of the whole thing you're talking about.

[881] You being even asked to be a part of Vanity Fair, whatever they're doing, is a big deal.

[882] It's a big deal for everyone, but it is a really big deal.

[883] I think when you're a minority in this business.

[884] And I watched this.

[885] So I do think that you were kind of like, don't put me in this position.

[886] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[887] But you could not have been like, I'm not answering that.

[888] You couldn't have turned in the middle of that because you're on Vanity Fair and it's exciting and you want to be there and you want people to see it and you want people to like you.

[889] And it's a weird position to be in still where you can't totally be yourself and be like, I don't want to answer that.

[890] I'm not answering that.

[891] That's mean.

[892] You would do that.

[893] You're playing the game.

[894] Yeah.

[895] But the real Jedi move, if I knew how to wield a lightsaber, it's like this.

[896] I would have been like, I know what you're trying to do here.

[897] What you're going to do is position me against Dax.

[898] Let's do this.

[899] I love Dax.

[900] He's a great person.

[901] Love the guy.

[902] We're going to go A -TVing later.

[903] Now, you're asking me, do I think I'm hot?

[904] I'm hot.

[905] I'm even thinking about Dax.

[906] It's not even about Dax.

[907] And then if they go, no, but really, Condé Nass needs this content.

[908] Fine.

[909] Fine.

[910] Fine, Sir Condé Nass.

[911] I love you, Dax.

[912] I think.

[913] I'm hotter than you.

[914] That's fine.

[915] And I could have played it that way.

[916] That's a lesson learned.

[917] You wouldn't have the wherewithal in that moment where you're doing a thing that's a cool thing to do that you've worked your whole life for to have that kind of status to be asked to do a thing.

[918] You're not thinking that clearly.

[919] You're trying to give people what they want.

[920] Well, you're trying to shine.

[921] This is your time.

[922] Or just be funny.

[923] It's under a time.

[924] This is a brag kind of.

[925] I'm going to pat myself on the back.

[926] The last big round of press I had to do was maybe when we opened the factory in Texas for the diaper company and we had rounds of press right and it was right when that alec baldwin there was a shooting on the set and someone died so we're there to talk about a factory in texas jobs for this diaper line and three different people tried to ensnare us into this hot button topic of someone being killed on a set and i said well what i think is it'd be insanely disrespectful for me to insert myself in a tragedy i have nothing to do with whatsoever.

[927] And I think it's unethical of you to even try to ensnared me on that.

[928] Yeah, to pull up to the Hello Bellow Factory.

[929] Yeah.

[930] And so I gave that answer three times and there was a little look on each of the person's face of like a glimmer of shame.

[931] And then I thought, oh, wow, you can do that.

[932] You can tell them, this is gross what you're doing.

[933] I'm in a really great position to be able to do that.

[934] When someone's first time on a red carpet, they start throwing bombs like that.

[935] I get the pressure.

[936] But it is shocking that you can actually.

[937] actually say, oh, this is gross.

[938] What's your next question?

[939] Which is a pretty gangster move that you did there.

[940] Like, I know what you're doing.

[941] Let me tell you the trick you're trying to do here.

[942] And I'm not going to do that.

[943] You're kind of putting the shame on them and they're like, fuck, I am doing that.

[944] Can I ask you something I've been wanting to ask you?

[945] Yeah.

[946] One of the things that I still can't shake, even though I gave Monica my confidence rant or whatever.

[947] I see you.

[948] We got to believe in each other or whatever.

[949] So yesterday at the premiere, I'm suited, booted.

[950] Everybody's, like, you know, dressed to the nines.

[951] You look incredible.

[952] He's got a plaid, fucking blue suit on.

[953] Yeah.

[954] What I love about Kristen is she's sitting up front with Bina and there's like a little couch.

[955] And she's just leaned back like this, just watching and chilling.

[956] And you and Kristen are so comfortable in these spaces.

[957] And what I love so much about you guys is that you really aren't trying.

[958] You just, like, are what you are.

[959] and you're not coming from a place of want.

[960] I don't sense chip on my shoulder energy.

[961] How did you get to that place?

[962] Because I'm still like, man, I hope the special goes great.

[963] And I have this other show that I want to do.

[964] And I hope that goes great.

[965] There's all this hope and anticipation still inside of me. Not to say that you don't have that.

[966] Here is a big chunk of privilege I have.

[967] I was a tall, strong dude growing up.

[968] I was funny and I could dance.

[969] I have this role in my real life already.

[970] Don't say you could dance and not because I'll test you to the dance.

[971] I'll show you a video right now of me dancing in my favorite song.

[972] People are like, oh, he wasn't kidding.

[973] One time I brought up Bruno Mars.

[974] Oh, this was a big misty.

[975] I brought up Bruno Mars at the Super Bowl, and I was like, oh, my God, it was insane.

[976] He was so good.

[977] And Dax was like, well, I can do that.

[978] And I was like, no, you cannot.

[979] And I can't.

[980] I hadn't seen him dance, and I was just jealous.

[981] Monica liked him more than me. That's all that happened there.

[982] So I had to show him the video.

[983] Then he was like, no, I can't.

[984] But I could dance.

[985] I won the seventh and eighth grade dance contest in my junior high.

[986] Holy shit.

[987] No, this is a big deal.

[988] This was my trip.

[989] It's one of his identity markers.

[990] It is.

[991] So I don't know your high school experience.

[992] I know you were confident.

[993] I think you were top 1 % of what was on the table.

[994] You had swagger at a young age.

[995] I was good in certain verticals.

[996] Like I was really cool in speech and debate.

[997] And you play basketball.

[998] Yeah, but I didn't make varsity and stuff like that.

[999] But like I really tried.

[1000] Yeah.

[1001] So something that was just, I'm lucky that where I was born, everyone looked like me, I could be practicing for this role for a while.

[1002] And I see this a lot in show business.

[1003] There's a lot of kids that were really artistic and special.

[1004] And then they become, for lack of a better word, the alphas of our society.

[1005] I'm not saying this is you.

[1006] It's a spectrum.

[1007] There's some real guys who never said hi to anyone in high school that became leading men that are alpha status.

[1008] And it's a brand new experience for them.

[1009] And they're having a hard time transitioning because they really just haven't had a lot of practice.

[1010] Like, if you were white, you would have been Homecoming King.

[1011] But there's no way they were going to let you be the fucking Ben Affleck of your high school.

[1012] You couldn't break through that ceiling.

[1013] Yeah, it's different now.

[1014] It's charming and as tall and as handsome and as funny and as smart.

[1015] You were capped.

[1016] So I got to be who I am right now for a while.

[1017] From about seventh grade on, I was practicing with this role of being popular.

[1018] And I think that's a huge advantage.

[1019] Sure.

[1020] For being comfortable in the role of someone.

[1021] in the room that people are looking at.

[1022] And you know what, man, I think one of the things we keep talking about, all of our experiences are different.

[1023] Monica's lived experiences different than mine than yours, than Benas, than Kristen's.

[1024] The thing that everybody feels is don't box me in.

[1025] So like what I'm hearing from you is just, hey, don't deny my pain and suffering.

[1026] I grew up in fucking shit and squalor.

[1027] My dad wasn't there.

[1028] Who the fuck are you to say that I didn't experience pain?

[1029] That abandonment, those tears are real.

[1030] There is no New Yorker article that's going to deny me of that.

[1031] I see that pain.

[1032] and that pain is very real.

[1033] And there's so many people that have been affected by that.

[1034] I think with being her lived experience growing up in Kansas, that shit is real too.

[1035] I have friends that are black in Silicon Valley.

[1036] They try to get VC funding.

[1037] Immediately they walk in the room.

[1038] They're like, who's your handler that I need to speak to to get you the money?

[1039] They're like, you're not seeing all of me. That's what people are saying.

[1040] See all of me of my qualities.

[1041] So I think empathy is one of those things where it's got to go both ways and we've got to be able to see everybody's pain.

[1042] but then not play at zero sum either.

[1043] It'd be like your pain is more than this person's pain.

[1044] Try to be empathetic and be like, no, I see where you're coming from.

[1045] And I hope you see where I'm coming from.

[1046] But I drove away last night going there's literally one ingredient before you're Eddie Murphy.

[1047] What are you talking about?

[1048] You're talking about me. Oh, oh.

[1049] I'm like looking at you last night and I'm looking at what you've accomplished and I'm looking how you're dressing.

[1050] I'm looking at all the stuff, the recipe.

[1051] And I'm like, he's almost Eddie Murphy.

[1052] Unbridled talent.

[1053] That's the word you're looking for.

[1054] A lot of that.

[1055] An intelligence, a sophistication in a package that's very appealing to everyone with a verbal dexterity that's unmatched.

[1056] What's the final finishing stage for Hussein?

[1057] IDGF, I don't give a fuck.

[1058] You got to trick yourself into knowing you've been this way forever.

[1059] You got to come up with a fake history.

[1060] That's what you're doing.

[1061] That is what you're doing.

[1062] That's what you're saying.

[1063] You're saying, I love myself.

[1064] You didn't have the privilege of doing that.

[1065] You said that just five seconds ago that you were capped.

[1066] And you were capped for the exact reason that you're complaining about, which is, I have all these things to offer and no one will let me show them.

[1067] No one will see them.

[1068] No one's willing to see them.

[1069] All these Cody, Kyle, and whatever, who are homecoming king.

[1070] Why are they?

[1071] That is back to your real argument against Gosling and the dude from Bollywood.

[1072] That's when it was that.

[1073] How the fuck are you saying I'm not the biggest swing dick in this high school?

[1074] Yes.

[1075] Maybe you're right.

[1076] It's just like, why are you capping me?

[1077] I'm not going to cap you.

[1078] don't cap me right right and you grew up as did I there was no going to be homecoming queen let's play this like the looks S &P 500 there are these 500 companies trading yes and it's an open market let's see how we all stack up versus I remember even during prom season and all that stuff they'd be like oh are you going to ask so and so and they found one of the Indian girls like you're going to ask her right and she was fly but I didn't like how it's a given maybe I can ask Elena Cervantes.

[1079] Maybe I could ask Nicole But Good, she's fly.

[1080] That's me. I was going to say, that's not a piece you need to add to your toolkit.

[1081] It's not.

[1082] You have transitioned very softly and naturally and gently into being elevated status.

[1083] You're swimming in the water.

[1084] You're not fish out of water with this now elevated status financially popularity -wise.

[1085] You took to it well.

[1086] You were popular in high school.

[1087] I love that.

[1088] I was well liked.

[1089] I did all those things so I could give myself the best shot of being homecoming queen as a metaphor but I couldn't I had a cap I was never gonna be that the most I could be was what I was was well liked was hung out with the popular girls I know I know but and that's why like at this hypothetical birthday party I'd close the door and I'd be like Monica I think actually you're number one on my call sheet oh I'm gonna go back downstairs nobody did that for me and Monica would be like Hassan was being weird No, no, no, no. Just no one said that.

[1090] My dad's definitely going to listen to this, so I don't want to hurt his feeling.

[1091] He loves you.

[1092] He loves you.

[1093] Because he's a political genius.

[1094] We'll start talking.

[1095] I'm like, I'm not even forming an opinion until I talk to a choke on this because he's watched every debate on every obscure channel about this candidate in fucking Wisconsin.

[1096] Let's find out what the master has to say.

[1097] He loves you.

[1098] And so he'll definitely listen to this.

[1099] And so I don't want to upset him.

[1100] He is an incredible dad and an incredible grandfather to.

[1101] so much love from these men, but what I didn't hear from them was that.

[1102] I never heard from any male authority in my life.

[1103] You're beautiful.

[1104] You have something special about you.

[1105] I mean, they believe that, I'm sure, but that was never communicated.

[1106] As she has said, Ashok's number one job in life was to make sure Monica was safe.

[1107] So how was Monica going to be safe?

[1108] Monica was going to make money?

[1109] How was Monica going to make money?

[1110] She was going to become a professional.

[1111] You weren't going to go marry some rich white dude.

[1112] That was the least likely in his.

[1113] his mind, way to achieve safety for you.

[1114] And that wasn't the game plan.

[1115] So for him, I imagine he's like, let's talk about how smart Monica is, how competent she is, how self -driven she is.

[1116] Those are the things that are going to lead her to where I want her to be, which is safety.

[1117] Yeah, he accomplished all that, by the way.

[1118] Love, romantic love and those things.

[1119] Yeah, it wasn't top priority.

[1120] So it wasn't what was taught or instilled.

[1121] But no one took me into the bedroom and was like, hey, just say you know.

[1122] No one ever.

[1123] So of course I'm not going to think that.

[1124] How would I?

[1125] Somebody has to gift you that.

[1126] Well, listen, you got a bona fide six sitting here.

[1127] Ooh.

[1128] And a bona fide ten.

[1129] I know now, yeah.

[1130] It's a little late.

[1131] Number one.

[1132] Number one on the call sheet.

[1133] Beautiful.

[1134] Number one on the call sheet of our hearts.

[1135] The eyes, the lips, the skin color.

[1136] Okay.

[1137] We don't need to be gorgeous.

[1138] So I think ironically, the thing that you saw in Hussein that I know you want to explore more is, ooh, what's my story is not just a girl from Georgia, but an Indian girl.

[1139] And then I think a little bit could be inspired by my mom.

[1140] Monica is her.

[1141] It's not confidence.

[1142] It's...

[1143] Yeah, because you're very confident.

[1144] Yeah, you're too confidence.

[1145] I'm damn.

[1146] Holy sure.

[1147] No, you're not.

[1148] You're not.

[1149] But I do want to say real quick, when you say the thing about going to Homecoming and feeling like, oh, I have just have to ask the Indian girl, why can't I ask this person or this person or this person?

[1150] If we're going to circle back to your agenda.

[1151] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1152] That's my stance.

[1153] I'm like, fuck that.

[1154] I'm not limited to that.

[1155] But the three other girls I wanted to ask, one of them's Afghan.

[1156] She was so fly.

[1157] She's listening to this.

[1158] She knows exactly who she is.

[1159] One of them is Filipino, so fly.

[1160] And the other one is Colombian.

[1161] So fly.

[1162] Yeah.

[1163] That's what I'm saying.

[1164] Right.

[1165] No, you're right.

[1166] You know what it is?

[1167] There's just something about girls where I'm like, I know you have to take your shoes off outside before you enter the house.

[1168] And I'm into it.

[1169] Let's go.

[1170] Let's go.

[1171] Before you get to the house.

[1172] Let's go.

[1173] You know what I mean?

[1174] And it's just 2000.

[1175] and it's not the wave at that point but I'm like can you hop on I come from the future Can we be honest enough to say you don't want Monica to date a white guy?

[1176] No I'm not.

[1177] Can we be honest enough?

[1178] No actually to close it out my actual point is that as long as whoever she's with sees her that way with that level of specificity and obsession then of course let it rock bro that's against my faith you're not allowed to do that in Islam to let it rock or underappreciate yeah to have like separation by color, cast, and all that stuff.

[1179] No Arab thinks they're better than a non -Arab.

[1180] Like, this is like codified.

[1181] Except for the ones they'd interviewed you at the console.

[1182] Right, that's right.

[1183] They're like, you know, they've never been ruled by the British.

[1184] Exactly, exactly, exactly.

[1185] Okay.

[1186] Do you and Kristen look back when you look at the ebbs and flows of your career in your life?

[1187] How did you deal with certain dreams and moments closing?

[1188] I had this really powerful moment last night when I saw all the kids from Never Have I ever.

[1189] And I was so proud of them.

[1190] I never felt more old.

[1191] Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

[1192] I'm like, oh, I'm really 37.

[1193] Y 'all are really like 19.

[1194] I'm twice your age.

[1195] But I also felt, oh, go do that and go take over every red carpet and go do the Met Gala and go date Timothy Shalama.

[1196] Do all of it.

[1197] Do all the things that you're supposed to do like that.

[1198] Roll around with Gosling.

[1199] Sure.

[1200] Accomplish what I never was able to that I failed at when I got to Hollywood at 21.

[1201] I wish you nothing but the best.

[1202] And there's not an ounce of jealousy or jellin in my heart.

[1203] I want the world for you.

[1204] And I love that about getting older, that I've gotten better at accepting the failures.

[1205] I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to accomplish.

[1206] You know, I thought I'd audition for pilot season, and I'd just be Zach Saffron.

[1207] It didn't happen.

[1208] I had to pave it a different way.

[1209] How have you dealt with that?

[1210] I feel like when I watch you, like when we were at that Illuminati meeting and you walked in and no shirt, fucking overalls.

[1211] I think I had a sleeveless shirt.

[1212] Yeah.

[1213] I think I didn't have something covered in the apples.

[1214] And then he just goes, it's like Madeline Albright and like fucking Petraeus was there.

[1215] Yeah, General Petraeus or whatever.

[1216] And you just go, all right, this is a cult.

[1217] When do we fuck?

[1218] Yeah, that sounds about right.

[1219] When does this crazy orgy start off?

[1220] Yeah, it's like, when do we fuck?

[1221] And like, Janet Yellen's like, what?

[1222] It's just like, supposed to be just like, we're going to talk about ideas or whatever the fuck.

[1223] Yeah.

[1224] And what's so cool is that you just went perfectly mask off.

[1225] You're like, this is weird.

[1226] I think this is a sex cult.

[1227] So let's get to it.

[1228] When do you want me to lube up?

[1229] And the power move there is, that level of honesty comes from, I don't need your affirmation, I don't need your money.

[1230] I'm not here to hobnob and rub shoulders and ladder climb.

[1231] I'm here to be me. And if you were a different type of person, you'd maybe I'd be like, I want to be an actor in this person's project.

[1232] So I got to go be friendly and rub shoulders.

[1233] And I got to be friends with this click and do this.

[1234] The moves you're making are so alienating, get honest.

[1235] Yeah, yeah.

[1236] And I was at a bad moment, too.

[1237] I made a speech that didn't go well.

[1238] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1239] I have some missteps.

[1240] Yeah, yeah.

[1241] And you're just shooting some airballs.

[1242] But I'm like, I am respecting this bomb so much.

[1243] Because you're doing two things.

[1244] You're being honest and you're risking something.

[1245] He's risking his likability into something.

[1246] And I go, fucking respect.

[1247] And have you come to terms with those things?

[1248] Because I'm sure 2004 DACs when you're on punk and your life and your vision is all these things.

[1249] And some of those sons have set.

[1250] Not in a bad way.

[1251] stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare back to high school in it forging this thing that you have which is i felt unaccepted by the crew i didn't play sports i couldn't part my hair down the middle like every white guy could i had too many collics and at some point i said i'm letting you guys know you're not allowed to evaluate me by these criteria because i've removed myself from the page And so I define myself in seventh grade as being punk rock and being in opposition to you.

[1252] And that I found out was appealing to people.

[1253] The thing you like that you just said, now 40 years later, I recognize, oh, that reads his confidence, whether I had it or not.

[1254] I told Dax last night, I go, you're ungovernable.

[1255] That is so true.

[1256] Yeah, man. This is all very flattering.

[1257] Yeah, bro.

[1258] So I think so much of it is just the lane I picked in seventh grade.

[1259] I'm going to be the guy that says I'm no longer playing by these rules.

[1260] And, well, let's find out how it shakes out.

[1261] And it shook out good for me. And then I just kept with it.

[1262] And I became annoying with it.

[1263] And I think I've learned to dial it back, hopefully, a lot.

[1264] But to the failures, I took them so hard.

[1265] There's so many.

[1266] The majority of my career is failures.

[1267] If you line up the 35 movies, there's like five that worked.

[1268] I've had some good TV shows that worked.

[1269] But all in all, in 20 years, I've had lots and lots of failures.

[1270] They were brutal to me. My identity was whether I succeeded or not in this point.

[1271] business.

[1272] And I would watch Kristen at the same time.

[1273] She had a ton of failures too.

[1274] Never occurred to her.

[1275] Didn't bother her.

[1276] She didn't think about it.

[1277] She never called on Sunday to see how the movie did that weekend.

[1278] She likes hanging out with other actors and singing and dancing in front of a camera.

[1279] It's about process for her.

[1280] And it's aspirational.

[1281] And I think I've tried to incorporate as much of that as I can.

[1282] And then obviously the safety of this show now has helped me feel post all of it.

[1283] I finally have been able to express exactly what I hope to express and that part I feel like I accomplished.

[1284] I think I was trying to express myself through movies I wrote or roles I played on TV and I think the big thing I really wanted to do was let you in on my point of view and I feel like, oh, I finally figured how to let you in on my point of view and I do feel some contentment with that.

[1285] Can I give a little context to Kristen and this is not to take from her?

[1286] It's just there's a reason that she has that And it's because she believes, because it's 100 % accurate, that she'll keep working.

[1287] She'll keep working.

[1288] Like, yeah, this didn't work, but it doesn't mean my career's over.

[1289] She doesn't have that thought of my career is over.

[1290] She doesn't have scarcity mentality.

[1291] Unlike you and I who, for 10 years, I was here trying to get a job in a pizza commercial, she left college because she had a Broadway play.

[1292] That's why.

[1293] So early on.

[1294] A really different muscle memory from this whole world.

[1295] Yes.

[1296] I mean, she definitely auditioned a ton and didn't get stuff.

[1297] But it wasn't like, oh, my God, next week I probably should.

[1298] move home.

[1299] She's been working since she was trying to work.

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] And you and I weren't working for a very long time when we wanted to.

[1302] And I think that's pretty scarring.

[1303] Yeah.

[1304] And it informs your drive a little bit.

[1305] The scrap, the like, oh, I'm a junkyard dog.

[1306] Yes.

[1307] Yes.

[1308] Now through that, you have achieved the most permanent thing in the world, which is you actually have a point of view.

[1309] It's the most coveted thing in the world.

[1310] I look at Chelsea Handlers.

[1311] I think she's a great example of this.

[1312] It's like she did this talk show.

[1313] I'm like, how could she have walked away from a talk show?

[1314] You can't do that.

[1315] She was getting paid a lot.

[1316] They offered her even more money.

[1317] And then I realized, oh, because she can just go anywhere and have her point of view.

[1318] And it'll always be attractive and valuable.

[1319] And she has proceeded with that confidence for the last 20 years and I've been in awe of it.

[1320] Right.

[1321] She has it.

[1322] And you carved yours out.

[1323] We know what Hussein's point of view is.

[1324] And it's appealing.

[1325] And it'll be appealing in a cartoon strip, in a movie you do and stand -up, whatever it is, you've done it.

[1326] You've put in the time to figure out what your point of view is, and it's authentic and real and enlightening and wonderful.

[1327] And it's all in your special.

[1328] Thank you.

[1329] You call yourself out in this special for lying to be, no. Yes.

[1330] I am curious because it seems inconsistent with who I know you to be.

[1331] Yeah, it's wrong.

[1332] It's the lie of omission.

[1333] So not telling her that I'm going to a Saudi embassy is fucked up.

[1334] Not telling her, oh, I'm getting on a plan to go to the Trump Modi rally.

[1335] Shit's about to pop off.

[1336] I'm not lying to her.

[1337] I'm not meeting my mistress in a hotel.

[1338] It's not that.

[1339] It's the, I'm going to do this.

[1340] I'm going to move unilaterally on behalf of our family to get it popping for the gram.

[1341] Right.

[1342] You know what I mean?

[1343] You know, Lord Algo, I am at your altar.

[1344] Let it rip.

[1345] You know exactly what I'm talking about.

[1346] You're queued up 9 a .m. PST on IG.

[1347] and you got a real cute up.

[1348] And you go, Discover Page, get me discovered.

[1349] Okay?

[1350] This town is filled with sycophants like that, and I'm no better than that at my worst.

[1351] I love that the other thing you really cop to is how fucking intoxicating the public attention is.

[1352] Everyone I know in love, no one has escaped it.

[1353] I've yet to see the person.

[1354] I even saw it drive someone mad.

[1355] We have a friend that got way too popular, way too quick.

[1356] It was on Oprah one day.

[1357] it's too much for the human brain.

[1358] I don't think it's a natural thing, but I always write my shows and it comes from a place of I'll start with the question.

[1359] And the question that I wrote, it's actually an oxymoron, is it okay to lie to someone you love?

[1360] And then as I'm working on this with Prashant, my director, he's like, well, what's the lie for?

[1361] Yeah, exactly.

[1362] And I go, well, I'm trying to do the right thing.

[1363] I'm trying to raise awareness.

[1364] And then there was another question, can you do the right thing for the wrong reasons?

[1365] Yeah.

[1366] And let's just be honest.

[1367] Is the right thing just cover fire?

[1368] Exactly.

[1369] Do you really stand?

[1370] with Ukraine?

[1371] Or are you signaling almost like high school of like, I'm doing what we're supposed to do, right?

[1372] And I'm going to get clout and credibility by doing this.

[1373] Yeah.

[1374] You lie to yourself and say, well, this is as clean as it gets.

[1375] Yeah.

[1376] I'm valiant right now in my pursuit.

[1377] And you are, objectively.

[1378] This is where I disagree with you, though.

[1379] Real courage is what Bina has, a private Instagram photo.

[1380] And when she gives deadlines not there to cover it.

[1381] Again, the thing I'm chasing is ontological truth and reality.

[1382] Ontological.

[1383] What does that word mean?

[1384] ontological is when you take it back to its source root.

[1385] Okay.

[1386] So like ontological truth and reality is just like, hey, this existed way before you, it'll exist after you.

[1387] Right.

[1388] This is truth.

[1389] Yeah, yeah.

[1390] You know what I mean?

[1391] Multi -generational.

[1392] Yeah, capital T truth.

[1393] Okay.

[1394] That's what I'm chasing.

[1395] And so every ancient tradition talks about true virtue being done in private.

[1396] Bhagavad Gita, Holy Quran, Bible.

[1397] This is capital T truth.

[1398] Our old therapist, you'd say do something nice and don't get caught.

[1399] Exactly.

[1400] The old saying you give with your right so your left doesn't.

[1401] even know this has been done in every tradition that's beena me masquerading on stage for blue check instagram reels to raise awareness is clout chasing that's why i have that line in the show she goes i love how you only care about these issues when there's a camera on you and i go i know right i love your evil yeah picture didn't happen you know and at my worst even last night i was like i see you motherfuckers at the premiere but will you put my picture in feed Or will you make it an Instagram story And have it dissolve After 24 hours Maybe you'll go to the Jordan Peel premiere And put it in feed Like I'm full on Just full on Just fucking give me the clout Yeah Fucking heroin And one of the things I was talking about Is I have to check my heart As I was like man This fame thing This clout thing This is the original avatar of sin And when I'm lying to Beena And I'm moving unilaterally Maybe I have a lot of, a lot more in common with the dictators and autocrats that I'm poking fun at because those people are also moving unilaterally on behalf of their people oh my family they're not going to get it I get it and they don't right but they too are actually just power hungry yeah I can see the whole picture and all these people can't exactly and anybody that's crazy enough to be like I'm going to be the head of state or a dictator or an autocrat or a member of the royal family has the same level of ego and narcissism that when someone goes, I should be the lead of this Marvel superhero project.

[1402] You have to have this level.

[1403] I get this in a way nobody else does.

[1404] And when taken to its logical conclusion, if it's just about clout, if it's just about fame and the ego, it's a very ugly, crazy, twisted, sadistic thing.

[1405] And I tell being of this all the time, I'm like, the fact that you are not that, I think you are the capital T truth.

[1406] You're like, fucking amazing.

[1407] Okay.

[1408] But I do think it's a little more nuanced, right?

[1409] Because your goal isn't just to be famous.

[1410] You have very altruistic, pure goals that are mixed in there.

[1411] Well, that are first and foremost, then the fame and the likes and all this, that starts intruding.

[1412] But are we negating a reality that you have a following that if you post something, it does bring awareness?

[1413] Yeah, that's not, not true.

[1414] I'm saying that it's this.

[1415] When you start in this thing, it's artist and it's all capital A artist.

[1416] And then when you go out to town and you audition and you do these other things, it's algorithm.

[1417] Ideally, it's 80 % capital A artist, 90 % capital A artist.

[1418] Pure expression.

[1419] You in a not notepad.

[1420] You really believing this thing.

[1421] You not checking Twitter before you write.

[1422] You actually just write what you believe.

[1423] Then you publish the dot MOV file on the internet.

[1424] Sure, use the internet.

[1425] I'm not anti that.

[1426] Back in my day, there was no printing presses.

[1427] Fuck that.

[1428] But now it's the other way around.

[1429] You let the algorithm through Pinterest mood boards and through Twitter discourse.

[1430] And through the Instagram pre -curated page, shape your art. Now you're letting clout the fame, the likes, the feedback, cloud that.

[1431] I'm indicting myself on this.

[1432] I'm not here to speak on anybody else.

[1433] I'm saying, I did this the wrong way.

[1434] This can dovetel back into your previous question to me about how I handled the roller coaster ride.

[1435] There is a saying in AA that I finally started listening to, which is we're in the showup and work business.

[1436] We're not in the results business.

[1437] I don't bet on futures.

[1438] And I think for you, you still do the same thing.

[1439] It's just what percentage of your focus is on the results and what percentage of your focus is on the show up and work part of it.

[1440] And I think that you're healthiest, my healthiest, we're in the show up and work business.

[1441] Yeah.

[1442] If I was the most healthy, I wouldn't be kind of like scared right now that the special is out today.

[1443] And I hope it resonates with people and I hope they care about it.

[1444] It would be like I delivered the IMF file two months ago.

[1445] It is what it is.

[1446] The goal was for you to make it.

[1447] the show you wanted to make.

[1448] Exactly.

[1449] But that happened.

[1450] That happened.

[1451] That's that.

[1452] You also have to trick yourself into being on your deathbed, right?

[1453] And you're looking back and you're going, oh, I laid it up.

[1454] I made the special I knew would crush.

[1455] And it did.

[1456] And I got all that adulation.

[1457] But I never did make the special I wanted to.

[1458] Yeah.

[1459] Those are your options on the table.

[1460] If you're lucky enough, you're Tarantino and somehow the most authentic thing he had to offer was also broadly appealing.

[1461] Yeah.

[1462] But you must first pick to make Pulp Fiction before you pick for it to be a hit.

[1463] Yeah.

[1464] One of the things that I thought was so cool, again, about the place that you're in, it's why I just really admire you.

[1465] This is so corny.

[1466] I'm sorry, but I mean it.

[1467] This is hard for you.

[1468] It's heaven last night.

[1469] I know.

[1470] Being sincere.

[1471] Yeah, it's hard because it can come off as disingenuous.

[1472] I pointed out that he was brave for having so many moments of stillness, quietness, and sincerity in his special.

[1473] That's something to admire.

[1474] I've said it years ago about Ellen.

[1475] Her delivery was awe -inspiring.

[1476] Her confidence to just live in awkwardness and be slow as fuck.

[1477] I'm like, I wish I had the balls.

[1478] Similarly, it's worth noting.

[1479] It's brave.

[1480] And I admire it.

[1481] And so I try to ask him about that.

[1482] And he just can't answer it.

[1483] He's like, I can't talk about myself being brave.

[1484] Yeah, I was like, we're not doing this.

[1485] Yeah, we're not doing that.

[1486] This is like, let's not do this.

[1487] But here's what was cool that you did.

[1488] You had Tarantino on the show.

[1489] And anybody that is in our business, we are all aspiring writer, creator, director's.

[1490] There would be this peacocking or signaling.

[1491] You were just kind effusive.

[1492] You even like submitted to like, you're better at this than I am.

[1493] Yeah, I'm a fan.

[1494] And 25 year old Dax can't do that.

[1495] I don't think.

[1496] I don't think 10 years ago Dax could do that.

[1497] So what happened?

[1498] Because I think that's really beautiful because the thing we all do to ourselves right now is we're playing.

[1499] ESPN first take about our lives like, is Monica Padman as good as Mindy Kaling?

[1500] No. Is she the media mogul that Issa Rae is?

[1501] We're all doing this.

[1502] I'm not.

[1503] We're doing it on some level of like, so -and -so is doing this.

[1504] No, you know, weirdly hers, Hassan is like, am I the style icon that the Olson plays?

[1505] Yeah.

[1506] That's more.

[1507] Yeah.

[1508] Am I getting a fit off as good as better.

[1509] No, but this is something to pause on real quick because I don't think that's true for everyone.

[1510] You and I'm not.

[1511] You're not doing that.

[1512] No, I agree.

[1513] You're not.

[1514] Kristen, it's not.

[1515] You too have that in comment.

[1516] That's amazing.

[1517] Aspirational.

[1518] Because it's just so beautiful.

[1519] What you do have, you just don't ever go about it in a gross way, which is she wants Mike Scher when we interview him to see her, recognize the brilliance, and value her.

[1520] Because that's whose approval she wants.

[1521] Now, what she's not gross like you and I is, she doesn't craft a calculated layout to achieve that.

[1522] She won't try to meddle in it.

[1523] She hopes it happens.

[1524] I'm also not comparing my, if anything, I'm doing all of, you're better than me, you're better than me, you're better than me, please like me. But I'm never like, am I as good or can I be?

[1525] I don't think I do that.

[1526] I don't know.

[1527] I can be wrong.

[1528] I don't have a verdict on that.

[1529] Okay.

[1530] Back to the Tarantino thing.

[1531] If in any way someone's looking for a tip, what I learned through countless times of getting three months of sobriety, the main change that had to be for me is, I can't wait till I'm at a party and then cocaine's on a table and I decide what to do.

[1532] It's too late.

[1533] When cocaine's on the table, I know what I'm going to do.

[1534] Life's about the game plan.

[1535] So I got to know long before I leave to go to this party, what are you doing when cocaine comes on the table?

[1536] What are you doing when you spot the guy walking towards the table?

[1537] He's going into his pocket.

[1538] What's the move?

[1539] I got to have like a fucking rehearse protocol.

[1540] I can't wait till I'm in the situation.

[1541] So I had a 30 -minute fucking meditation before Tarantino got here, which was, it's not your time to, prove to him you're a talented writer and director.

[1542] You've got to work through all that right now because if you just wait to be in the interview, you're going to do it.

[1543] My tip is like game plans.

[1544] I arrive with that expectation.

[1545] I behave a certain way, much better than if I don't.

[1546] Bill Gates, when I interviewed him, I got to have like a two -hour talk with myself before I interview him like, it's not your time to prove to him you're a genius.

[1547] I'm still shitty.

[1548] That's still my first thought and my first instinct.

[1549] I just got to have a real coach session with myself before these things start.

[1550] Last question.

[1551] How do you deal with the key?

[1552] kids thing.

[1553] I'm starting to take my babies out in public.

[1554] I'm on a plane and Bena's breastfeeding.

[1555] And a guy pulls up and he goes, let me take a selfie.

[1556] And I'm holding the blanket up and he takes the photo.

[1557] And I go, what are you doing?

[1558] And he goes, I'll cut her out.

[1559] Don't worry.

[1560] And I go, I don't know you.

[1561] I can't trust you.

[1562] Oh, God.

[1563] Yes.

[1564] My wife's like breastfeeding.

[1565] What do you do?

[1566] Are you crazy?

[1567] Yeah.

[1568] Especially Kristen.

[1569] She has so much grace.

[1570] But with the kids, you'll see a different side of her.

[1571] The general statement is, oh my God, I'm so flattered, but it's her time not yours.

[1572] Oh, you guys will say that.

[1573] Yeah.

[1574] When I'm with my daughter, it's daddy daughter time.

[1575] It's not StrangerDak's time.

[1576] I'm comfortable with knowing that that person might walk away going, well, he's an asshole.

[1577] I have to already be comfortable living with that.

[1578] I can afford that.

[1579] I was racing to meet Kristen somewhere, and this guy followed me down the street.

[1580] And he's like, let me a picture, picture.

[1581] I go, sorry, bro.

[1582] I'm in a hurry.

[1583] I'm in a hurry.

[1584] And finally I turned out and I said, you're asking me to prioritize your needs above my wives and it's not going to happen.

[1585] Whoa.

[1586] I'm not elevating you above my wife's needs.

[1587] Similarly, I'm not going to elevate you above my children's needs.

[1588] And if you think I'm an asshole for that, I got to live with that.

[1589] That's okay.

[1590] And he might tell a hundred people.

[1591] And I just have to accept that because, of course, I got to prioritize my kids and my wife.

[1592] Again, that's just like a beautiful thing that comes with age of being like, hey, you know what?

[1593] You don't come out of this thing unscated.

[1594] People are going to hate me. Yeah.

[1595] There's a tax.

[1596] There's a cost of doing business and the business is your life.

[1597] How do you guys now deal with the fact that you're an avatar and you represent this thing?

[1598] and you wake up one day and you read the news and it's telling you what you are and you're like, but it's not that, I'm not that thing.

[1599] You and Kristen and Monica, you now become these avatars that represent this thing.

[1600] I have to be honest, I'm unaware of it.

[1601] Same.

[1602] Whoa.

[1603] Yeah, I'm sure there's some kind of take on the whole thing, but I'm unaware of it.

[1604] Okay.

[1605] I can tell you this, Monica and I are both overly effective when we read negative shit in our comments.

[1606] So I never read comments.

[1607] We're so sensitive.

[1608] ridiculous they'll come at monica because she doesn't like dogs not that she wants to kill dogs just dogs aren't for her i get it which is a totally fine thing to be and people they'll even hit me you got to talk to monica how could she not see the beauty when i read it it's absolutely comical because what are you talking about why do i have to talk to monica about why does she have to love everything that you love when she reads it it's these people think i'm a terrible person and then vice versa i mean they are saying that i read stuff about myself, and it hurts.

[1609] I say it doesn't, but three hours later, I'm driving in the car, got my kids in the car.

[1610] I reread it in my head.

[1611] It affects you so much.

[1612] You're so sensitive.

[1613] And the fact that it takes up real estate in your head.

[1614] Yes.

[1615] Let me ask you guys this.

[1616] What are we doing the next 30 years?

[1617] Dax, what are we doing?

[1618] I don't know.

[1619] Really?

[1620] I don't know.

[1621] Monica, what are we doing?

[1622] He is retiring.

[1623] What?

[1624] I mean, not now.

[1625] I'm building an exit strategy.

[1626] It involves a house.

[1627] I'm building in Nashville, and it's on a lake.

[1628] I want a captain the intercoastal and do the Great Loop.

[1629] 6 ,000 miles around the whole country on the water.

[1630] Those are the things I'm fantasizing about.

[1631] This is part of like the RV journey.

[1632] Yes.

[1633] Well, you know how Stern was the king of all media.

[1634] You wouldn't have known this because it didn't make any headlines.

[1635] But I've recently declared myself the king of conveyance.

[1636] No kidding.

[1637] Yeah, that's moniker I want to die with.

[1638] Holy shit.

[1639] The king of conveyance.

[1640] So it's like, what do you want?

[1641] You want to be on a bus with me?

[1642] You want to get on the water?

[1643] You want to take a car ride, motorcycle ride?

[1644] You want to get a doom buggy.

[1645] I'm the guy you come to.

[1646] Wow.

[1647] And I'll get you through it.

[1648] Okay.

[1649] I'll get you there.

[1650] I'll convey you there.

[1651] I can't wait to cross a river in the Oregon Trail with you.

[1652] Oh, I'd like nothing more.

[1653] And then writing for me. Writing's also the future.

[1654] Not film and TV, but just writing.

[1655] What about you, Monica?

[1656] Like, what's that burn?

[1657] It's also cheesy, what you were saying.

[1658] I hate answering this way, but it's the truth.

[1659] I don't do that anymore.

[1660] I definitely did.

[1661] But now just because this is so fun, also we know we have some more time doing this.

[1662] I'm just like, we'll see how this goes if it ends.

[1663] Man plans, God laughs.

[1664] Yeah, for sure.

[1665] What are you doing in 30 years?

[1666] For me, there's just things that are always burning inside of me. Like, I'm already writing the next show.

[1667] You know, I'm going to work on this feature, the competitive Bollywood dance movie.

[1668] I'm dead serious about.

[1669] Could have been a bit.

[1670] People are like, ha -ha.

[1671] And I'm like, you think I'm joking?

[1672] You just fucking wait.

[1673] You fucking have no idea what's about to happen.

[1674] Can I play the evil British colonists who also dances at some point?

[1675] You're Winston Churchill's son or something?

[1676] Mike Churchill Yeah Chad Churchill Why does Chad Churchill have armed cats Does the life that Chappelle and Rock have carved out Appeal to you Totally Yeah To me that seems like Being able to like express yourself And talk about the human condition And no it's there for you Like that's the part too I think you're inching towards I don't know when Chris Rock's last special It was quite a while ago Yeah tambourine yeah And But you're like the next one No question.

[1677] Like the moment he feels inspired, we're going to see it.

[1678] And he knows it's always there.

[1679] So he don't have to rush any of the things.

[1680] This really is what I think is happening in his life.

[1681] Or I want to be true.

[1682] So I think for you, you're like right on the cusp of just being a foundational voice.

[1683] And you will kind of gently run through life going like, oh yeah, I'll always do that.

[1684] I hope so.

[1685] There's a piece to both of them.

[1686] They're just doing it for the sake of doing it.

[1687] They have no need for approval.

[1688] Yeah.

[1689] It's nice.

[1690] Do you like Bill Burr?

[1691] Love Bill Burr.

[1692] My God, I just watched his Red Rock special.

[1693] I can't believe how much I loved it.

[1694] It's great.

[1695] Oh, my God, was it good.

[1696] The WMBA runner was unbelievable.

[1697] And just really just like mask off.

[1698] It's really great.

[1699] Yeah, and there's just an equal disdain for all people.

[1700] His crowd is hooting and hollering, and he's like, you were missing the fucking point.

[1701] Yes, yes.

[1702] Oh, it's incredible.

[1703] Yeah, that's great.

[1704] Dax, you guys are in that space that it's going to be all right.

[1705] And it is what it is and it was what it was.

[1706] There's a lot of sometimes you're processing trauma and you're just like, it happened.

[1707] Yes.

[1708] Yeah.

[1709] And we're going this way.

[1710] Well, I love you.

[1711] I love you.

[1712] I really don't know why I'm so attracted to you.

[1713] There's some objective reasons, the symmetry, the golden rule, the lips, the eyes.

[1714] I know, there is some irony in that, well, I guess it's why you say it.

[1715] But you look perfect.

[1716] So it's not really fair.

[1717] You look like the dude in Triple R. No, that guy's a hottie, McTotty.

[1718] Oh, my God.

[1719] When you talk about, like, if you're black, you're having to be Idraselba or having to, it is you.

[1720] Yeah, you are Iderselba.

[1721] So it's kind of not fair.

[1722] Are you kidding me?

[1723] You need to be like three feet shorter to be making these.

[1724] Claims.

[1725] Own your privileges.

[1726] Yeah, yeah.

[1727] I'm a Bollywood four, though.

[1728] They can do 12 different things.

[1729] No, you would have slid right into Triple R and I've been like, oh, that looks fucking perfect.

[1730] You could have been the third R. This is a great full circle moment Yeah What a fun journey we're on I hope it lasts for another 40 years Let's do it All right All right Love you And now my favorite part of the show The fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman I ordered a sweater From her From Vicky Yeah Well because you know I'm going home I don't You've not told me you're going home Oh yeah I said I told you That I'm going home For the football game No Oh I'm going home You're going home for the UG, whatever?

[1731] I'm going home for a Georgia game, yeah.

[1732] You are?

[1733] You didn't know tell me this.

[1734] That's weird.

[1735] Is this the Monica maybe out of town the second through the ninth?

[1736] Yeah.

[1737] Oh, wow.

[1738] So like last year they emailed Meredith.

[1739] Shout out, Meredith.

[1740] Well, honestly, yes.

[1741] Because last year she reached out, she said, do you want to come to a game?

[1742] You should come to a game.

[1743] Right.

[1744] And I was like, yeah, I do want to in theory, but like, how am I going to get home?

[1745] You know, I just didn't.

[1746] like a lot to logistically.

[1747] I was like, I don't know what our schedule will be.

[1748] And then I thought, but you know what?

[1749] That's really special because it's like sitting in the sky sweet.

[1750] You know, it's a special version of it.

[1751] Do they want you to be in the homecoming parade?

[1752] No. Oh, like on a, on a Cadillac.

[1753] I'm going to announce.

[1754] Will you have to go out onto the field?

[1755] No, God, no. They won't want me there.

[1756] So they don't want me there.

[1757] So they said, you know, do you want to come to this?

[1758] And I first I was like, no. Then I was like, you know what?

[1759] Yes.

[1760] I do.

[1761] I'm, I should bring my friends from home we should do a whole thing like yeah our old thing so i asked he said can i bring nine people wow and that's how i do it you know can i bring nine people yes and i said we all went there and it sounds like your whole class maybe whole class in two my people and max is coming too okay and she was like yes if they all went here like great that'll be so fun for you guys It's awesome.

[1762] And then she's like, what game do you want to come to?

[1763] And so then I was looking at the schedule.

[1764] We decided on the fifth.

[1765] Cross -town rival or something?

[1766] Was there any significance?

[1767] Tennessee game.

[1768] It's the Tennessee game.

[1769] That's a great game.

[1770] Okay, but it's not like the rival or anything.

[1771] Well, it's not Bama, but it all depends.

[1772] It all depends.

[1773] It's what they're called.

[1774] I know.

[1775] It all depends on the season, like how good whoever is at the time.

[1776] And as you, I don't know if you remember, but we're number.

[1777] Currently you are or you have that?

[1778] Well, we won last year.

[1779] You won last year?

[1780] Yeah.

[1781] What's Bama got to say about that?

[1782] They're upset.

[1783] Roll tide, roll tide.

[1784] Is that Bama?

[1785] Yeah, ew.

[1786] Roll Tide.

[1787] What does it mean?

[1788] I don't know.

[1789] I didn't go there.

[1790] I don't like them.

[1791] So, anyhose, we picked the Tennessee game a long time ago because that'll be a fun game and logistics.

[1792] Yeah.

[1793] Then last week on Saturday, like the way all the games were happening.

[1794] Yeah.

[1795] Tennessee was tied with, I think, maybe Bama.

[1796] Can you use some fact -checking?

[1797] And then it was an overtime, it was a big game.

[1798] Oh, yes, I saw this on...

[1799] It's a big deal.

[1800] Yes, I saw that this took over social media.

[1801] Yeah.

[1802] Tennessee must have won.

[1803] They won.

[1804] The tide did not roll.

[1805] Thank God.

[1806] What do they say when that happened?

[1807] I don't know.

[1808] I hate them.

[1809] No, I don't.

[1810] I don't hate them, but I don't like them.

[1811] I don't like them.

[1812] Okay.

[1813] Tennessee is 6 and O and Georgia is 7 and no. So now, because they won, the game is huge.

[1814] Crucial.

[1815] You're greeting everyone as the end of the stadium.

[1816] Could you hand out armchair merch?

[1817] Could you use them?

[1818] I'll promote the show while you're there.

[1819] Anywho, all to say, I bought a Victoria Beckham sweater.

[1820] That's where all this was getting.

[1821] Well, in the South at football games, you dress up.

[1822] So interesting.

[1823] Michigan, you put sweatpants on and get fucked up in the parking lot and blackout before the game.

[1824] Oh, well, that part is happening.

[1825] But you look great while you're doing it.

[1826] That's right.

[1827] You're in dresses and jewelry and heels.

[1828] Oh, for real?

[1829] No, for real.

[1830] Oh, my God, Roll Tide.

[1831] No. Oh, what's your saying?

[1832] I need to know you're saying.

[1833] Go dogs.

[1834] Oh, that needs to be more original.

[1835] Like, Roll Tide's cool.

[1836] No one, that doesn't mean anything.

[1837] You could say sick on if you want.

[1838] All right, yeah, I'll start throwing that up.

[1839] Okay, sick on.

[1840] People wear heels?

[1841] Yeah, they wear heels.

[1842] Sick them.

[1843] There we go.

[1844] Yeah, pretty good.

[1845] Yeah, that's good.

[1846] Yeah.

[1847] So you're going to be all dolled up.

[1848] So, of course, Callie and I are like, what are we going to wear?

[1849] You know, now that's, but then I bought some really expensive pants.

[1850] Yeah, I got a sick them.

[1851] And a sweater, they don't go together.

[1852] So the sweater I'll have to wear on Friday.

[1853] But it's red and it has black, it has a black stripe.

[1854] And those are colors.

[1855] That's right.

[1856] Okay.

[1857] You have to wear the colors.

[1858] Why don't you have that really cool?

[1859] How long, how much lead time do you have right now?

[1860] This is three weeks away.

[1861] I leave the second.

[1862] Of November?

[1863] Mm -hmm.

[1864] Okay.

[1865] So probably not time to do that cool sweater maker you guys have.

[1866] You could have them write Sikamana.

[1867] I, on it, I thought about this, Linguifranca.

[1868] Oh, my God.

[1869] Cashmere sweaters where she embroidered awesome stuff and you can get stuff custom written.

[1870] And I literally, I was going to do, dags, I'll get in trouble.

[1871] trouble if you're saying that.

[1872] Okay.

[1873] You can't say that.

[1874] All right.

[1875] It's really serious.

[1876] Okay.

[1877] You can say sick and go dogs, but you can't say the other thing.

[1878] Okay.

[1879] I slid it in, though.

[1880] It almost got by you.

[1881] I heard it.

[1882] Anyway, so I did think that.

[1883] So you're getting fashiony.

[1884] I have a sweater story.

[1885] Ooh.

[1886] I ruined one of my sweaters.

[1887] Oh, no. Yes.

[1888] So I was eating Tutsi rolls.

[1889] Okay.

[1890] Okay.

[1891] And so I got a tootsie roll, tied it out the stain, luckily.

[1892] Okay.

[1893] And everything's good.

[1894] So you didn't ruin it.

[1895] I just slid it by you.

[1896] Did you catch it?

[1897] I did.

[1898] Yeah.

[1899] Oh, my God.

[1900] Oh, my God.

[1901] I got a Tutsi roll, tidied it out, and now we're going.

[1902] Wow.

[1903] That was almost as good as no calories on my birthday.

[1904] That is what it reminded me of.

[1905] Wow.

[1906] All right.

[1907] I guess kudos to that.

[1908] That was good.

[1909] I didn't see that coming.

[1910] You didn't hear it.

[1911] But I was thinking, why the fuck were you eating a Tutsi roll?

[1912] That's a disgusting candy.

[1913] Why, I love them.

[1914] It's got caramel inside.

[1915] No, it doesn't.

[1916] Yes, it's chocolate covered caramel.

[1917] And I love caramel.

[1918] No, you're right.

[1919] That's a rollo.

[1920] I'm thinking a rollo.

[1921] Yeah.

[1922] Tootsy rolls are nasty.

[1923] They're pretty good, though.

[1924] Tootty roll.

[1925] And I could imagine eating so much that the chocolate juice comes out of the corner of your mouth because it gets juicy.

[1926] This is ding, ding, ding, Halloween.

[1927] Yeah, they get handed out.

[1928] Big time.

[1929] If you're on a budget, you hand out Tutsi roll.

[1930] Yeah.

[1931] No, that's the candy that no one wants.

[1932] I know, but come late December, you eat them.

[1933] Not me. Like, you eat all the good candies all through November.

[1934] And then at the end of your, you got the bottom of your pillowcase come around December.

[1935] You start getting into the slow pokes, the bit of honeies.

[1936] What are slow pokes?

[1937] It's a caramel on a stick.

[1938] Oh.

[1939] Slow poke, bit of honey, tutsi roll.

[1940] Those are all tiny.

[1941] Hershey's kisses.

[1942] The grandma candy.

[1943] Yes.

[1944] And then let's even talk within the Hershey family.

[1945] You open up your Hershey's.

[1946] Eat the crackle first.

[1947] Yeah.

[1948] Then you go to the Hershey with the almond.

[1949] Then you probably go to the plain Hershey.

[1950] Then you go to the Good Wrench Bar.

[1951] I don't even know what that is.

[1952] And then you go to the special dark chocolate.

[1953] No, not for me. Dark chocolates first.

[1954] Oh, my God.

[1955] Always been elevated.

[1956] Always.

[1957] Born to be classy.

[1958] Yeah, I like, I'm going for a Kit Kat first.

[1959] Butterfinger.

[1960] No. Not Butterfinger.

[1961] Snickers bar.

[1962] These are the premier ones.

[1963] Almond Joy.

[1964] I'm just saying you get these in your sack and you're like, that person took care of me. Not me. We have different outlooks on Candy Life.

[1965] But you recognize the expense, minimally, right?

[1966] Not for Snickers.

[1967] Yeah, Snickers.

[1968] Are they expensive?

[1969] Well, they're all in that upper tier of, like, so the time.

[1970] Top tier in a Halloween give out is a full -size candy bar.

[1971] Right.

[1972] And that can be any of the main ones.

[1973] Twix, almond joy, Snickers, Butterfinger.

[1974] Full size.

[1975] Yes.

[1976] That's, you're like, these people really took care of me. That's right.

[1977] They care, and they're doing well financially this year.

[1978] Below that, you've got a mini size.

[1979] That's right.

[1980] And that's like, thanks, guys.

[1981] That's quality.

[1982] Yeah.

[1983] That's standard.

[1984] You got the bites.

[1985] Yeah.

[1986] Those are a cop out a little bit.

[1987] That's your rules.

[1988] No. There's a snickers that's even small.

[1989] Oh, right.

[1990] It's a bite.

[1991] Yeah.

[1992] That one's like, things are playing.

[1993] If you gave me three or four, maybe we're square.

[1994] Yeah.

[1995] But like, I get it.

[1996] You're trying, but not a great year for you financially.

[1997] Okay.

[1998] And then you go off -brand bites from like Ace Hardware.

[1999] What?

[2000] No one does that, Rob.

[2001] There's a whole hierarchy.

[2002] And then eventually you get down to fruit.

[2003] People's old fruit they want to get rid of out of their house.

[2004] Yeah, raisins, individual raisins.

[2005] Oh, I hate when.

[2006] Don't ever.

[2007] Oh, box of raisin.

[2008] Don't ever give box of raisins.

[2009] I know the premise of that was like, I don't want to give out junk food.

[2010] If you look at the sugar content of a raisin, like you're not doing anyone in your favors.

[2011] But let's go actually theoretically, number one.

[2012] Because I know what it is for me. The full -sized Cadbury fruit nut, like, $5 dollar candy bar.

[2013] That would be, I'd be like, guys, you need something later on down the line this year.

[2014] You're doing very well financially.

[2015] And I will repay this generosity.

[2016] Okay, that's good to know for you and you only.

[2017] That's very specific to you.

[2018] Anyone in my neighborhood wants to really tickle my feathers this Halloween when I'm doing my little hayride.

[2019] Oh, you?

[2020] Run me out a fruit and...

[2021] I'll bring you one.

[2022] I will love you for that.

[2023] But, like, I'm looking for my neighbor.

[2024] It would be a different thing.

[2025] I'm a neighbor.

[2026] Okay.

[2027] Technically.

[2028] Well, I guess I'm going to get one.

[2029] Yep.

[2030] I want best case scenario, a box of snow caps.

[2031] Like you're at the movie theater.

[2032] Yeah.

[2033] I've never seen that sold anywhere but movie theaters.

[2034] Okay.

[2035] Wow.

[2036] So we both have really tall orders.

[2037] Yes.

[2038] I also love a Swedish fish.

[2039] I prefer Swedish fish to Sour Patch kids, but I love them both, but I like Swedish fish a little more.

[2040] Mm, that's none of those, none of the things in that world of fruity, chewy things are for me. You know.

[2041] Kit Kat, Twix.

[2042] Butterfinger.

[2043] Butterfinger is not free.

[2044] You got to give it another try.

[2045] Okay.

[2046] I guarantee you it's like Cherries Garcia.

[2047] It's so unappealing.

[2048] I'll be the first to admit.

[2049] You look at it's like a big log of shit covered in chocolate.

[2050] Yeah, and there's like pee -pee color on it.

[2051] Mm -hmm.

[2052] It's not appealing.

[2053] And then even the commercial breaks apart and you're like, what is it, dust in there, sawdust?

[2054] Is that what they're made of them?

[2055] Have one.

[2056] Okay.

[2057] They're outrageously good.

[2058] Really?

[2059] They're really, really good.

[2060] Okay.

[2061] Oh, you know what else for me?

[2062] What's it called when you find God again?

[2063] Reborn.

[2064] Yes, big rebirth.

[2065] Born again.

[2066] Born again.

[2067] Peanut Eminems for me. I hate peanut Eminems in my head.

[2068] I was like, ew, that's a dumb.

[2069] Yeah, that's dumb.

[2070] And also, I don't like nuts.

[2071] I don't like that.

[2072] It's in a yellow package.

[2073] Yeah, we don't.

[2074] I love yellow, but I don't like yellow candy bars.

[2075] I don't like yellow.

[2076] But you're wearing yellow shirt.

[2077] Well, and our main color on.

[2078] Oh, my gosh.

[2079] You're right.

[2080] But when I worked at the cheerleading gym, there was a vending machine there.

[2081] And I worked at the front desk, so it was a treat for me to in the middle of each shift, go get a candy.

[2082] And I one day got peanut M &Ms because I think they were out of whatever else I wanted.

[2083] Snowcaps.

[2084] They were out of full -sized snow caps.

[2085] It was like I had new taste buds.

[2086] I became addicted to them.

[2087] I had to have them every day.

[2088] They're amazing.

[2089] If I could eat peanuts, I'm grateful I can't eat peanuts because that was the thing on a crafty food cart on a TV show set I couldn't resist if there's a big bowl of them chop chop chop next thing you know I've eaten a thousand I know they're so good I just can't I can't fuck with the peanut I wish they made an almond covered Eminem I think they do now they do okay I'll get you that too I'm your neighbor okay great when did you stop eating peanuts about five six years ago Kristen and I had to go to Santa Barbara for the night for something.

[2090] Okay.

[2091] And I got in the car and I was starving and I made myself three full pieces of peanut butter toast.

[2092] And about halfway to Santa Barbara, my knees were burning so fucking bad.

[2093] I had to pull over and walk around outside the car.

[2094] And I was like, wow, could that have been the peanuts?

[2095] And then I did like two more experiments and same thing, my knees got on fire immediately.

[2096] So I haven't.

[2097] And I love peanut butter.

[2098] I know you like cream, I like crunchy.

[2099] I love peanut butter.

[2100] Fuck, it's so good.

[2101] It's heartbreaking.

[2102] I can't have it.

[2103] Yeah, it's okay.

[2104] I have other things that are going well.

[2105] You're doing good.

[2106] You're doing great financially.

[2107] Yeah, I can hand out.

[2108] You could hand them out.

[2109] You could hand out the Cadbury.

[2110] If I were here, I might do it.

[2111] But because I'm going to be driving the hay ride, I wouldn't want to put like a stack of a hundred of them out and have some smart -ass kid.

[2112] That's right.

[2113] Take them all and return them.

[2114] Uh, where's my stuff?

[2115] Who is this a four?

[2116] Husson.

[2117] Oh, wonderful.

[2118] It's funny, Arm Cherry Direct weirdly and ironically, the IG account, which they loved.

[2119] They posted this thing of Hussin.

[2120] I don't like watching it.

[2121] I like, I have never seen it.

[2122] I just heard about it in print.

[2123] The whole thing makes me mad.

[2124] The person asking him the questions.

[2125] The fact that he said 6 .75.

[2126] Yeah, I don't like it either.

[2127] Yeah, I hadn't seen it.

[2128] So now I'm remat all over.

[2129] Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. It was weird because they didn't know we were about to have Hussein on.

[2130] That was very sim -y.

[2131] Except maybe because Hussein's special.

[2132] Maybe?

[2133] Who knows?

[2134] It was very weird timing.

[2135] It was.

[2136] Yeah.

[2137] I thought that too.

[2138] I thought, this is bad sims.

[2139] Rob, are you on the sly communicating?

[2140] Do you have like a side contract that you're releasing private information?

[2141] That was a mean sim that my dad did.

[2142] Yeah, he's just trying to help.

[2143] keep me humble.

[2144] And I thank him for it.

[2145] Well, I didn't like it because it started out with you giving a big compliment.

[2146] That's what feels really low brow about it.

[2147] I didn't remember that.

[2148] But then when I watched it on Armchair Direct, I was like, this is, I don't like this at all.

[2149] I felt like I needed to stick up for you.

[2150] Yeah.

[2151] Well, thank you.

[2152] But I didn't know.

[2153] I forgot.

[2154] Like, I watched that so long ago when you first told me about it.

[2155] I forgot that all the deep.

[2156] details.

[2157] I probably said it in this episode, but I regretted not saying it on Lily Reinhart when she's talking about feeling unattractive and all that.

[2158] And I was saying I felt unattractive.

[2159] What I regretted not pointing out, but I think I did in this episode is like just how many articles that have been sent to me saying that Kristen's with an ugly guy.

[2160] I make all these lists of like hot actress with an ugly guy.

[2161] And over time, you go, well, I must be delusional.

[2162] They don't put things that have no merit out repeatedly so in some level i have to acknowledge like oh yeah the world or some percentage of the world thinks christened ended up with an ugly guy so that's in my mind and then you see the video of husset and then you start going well my god i don't think i'm ugly i don't think i'm hot i wanted to be hot but whatever then you start thinking am i just not being objective about this and then the better part of me goes and who gives the fuck everything life's groovy and then i get over it but it's not it's not arresting me anymore but there was a period where it really bothered me all these articles about um me being an ugly how could it not and also that it's so because it's so not true at all you're so handsome oh thank you are so handsome seriously and i think not i'm not trying to justify what they're doing because i don't understand it at all other than Kristen is very standardly beautiful.

[2163] Uh -huh.

[2164] Sure.

[2165] She's blonde, very symmetrical, like cute, cute.

[2166] Yeah.

[2167] A computer would label her cute.

[2168] Exactly.

[2169] She's objective.

[2170] Like anyone looking at her, no one's going to be like, eh, huh.

[2171] Or no one would look at her and be like, yeah, she grows on you.

[2172] She just like has a very aesthetically appealing look across the board.

[2173] Agree.

[2174] Some men have that too.

[2175] Yeah, sure.

[2176] And so I guess, what they're saying is like...

[2177] But you don't want to be that.

[2178] No, no. And you shouldn't want to be that.

[2179] Like, that's...

[2180] Kristen is an anomaly because she has a great personality.

[2181] That's right.

[2182] This, I think, could be a good way to look at it.

[2183] And I kind of have this opinion.

[2184] I'd rather be attractive to some discerning group...

[2185] Yeah.