Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, what's up?
[1] My name is Chris Red.
[2] And I feel lucky is a motherfucker about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[3] Listen to me, there'll be no swearing on this show.
[4] No swearing?
[5] This show is four children.
[6] By children.
[7] I started swearing at four years old.
[8] At Barney.
[9] He was like, clean up.
[10] I was like, fuck you.
[11] Doc.
[12] Hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.
[13] I can tell that we are going to be friends, because I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[14] Hey, Conan O 'Brien here.
[15] Welcome to another episode of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[16] I'd like to point out again that I am in New York City recording studio and my team.
[17] my posse, if you will, Sonomo Sessi and Matt Gourley are comfortably in their homes.
[18] Comfortably.
[19] Well, you've seen, yeah, you're both wrapped in looks like caftans.
[20] And Gourley is wearing one of those blankets that's also kind of a shirt.
[21] What is it called?
[22] A slanket.
[23] A snuggie.
[24] A snuggie.
[25] Yeah.
[26] You look very happy.
[27] I'm here if you notice any edge to my voice again.
[28] It's because I'm infused with a certain urban grit that comes from fighting your way through the concrete jungle in order to podcast.
[29] I'm here and I almost feel feral because I've been prowling around Manhattan living by my wits.
[30] Yeah, I can see that you are wearing your topless with just a leather vest on.
[31] It's impressive.
[32] I was cruising.
[33] It's called cruising.
[34] Oh, yeah.
[35] Okay.
[36] Yeah, I was told it.
[37] How did that go?
[38] I was told it that people cruise in, that's the cool thing to do, go cruising sort of in Times Square.
[39] And I didn't realize it was, that's from like 50 years ago.
[40] I made the mistake of putting on a very, I'm not wearing much.
[41] And what I am wearing is leather.
[42] And I went cruising around what I thought was a seedy, sort of skeevy Times Square turned out to be absolutely like Disney, like Disneyland.
[43] It's changed completely.
[44] People seemed very upset about what I was doing.
[45] And it's, I guess, I was more out of place than I thought I would be.
[46] But I met a guy dressed as Spider -Man.
[47] Yeah.
[48] And I met a guy dressed as Batman.
[49] Both of them had fanny packs and I took pictures with both of them.
[50] Yeah.
[51] And then I gave them each $10.
[52] Okay.
[53] That is my version of cruising.
[54] It's just getting my picture taken with different DC and Marvel heroes and then giving him $10.
[55] So gritty.
[56] Wow, you're so hard, Conan.
[57] You bet I am.
[58] Did you say you walked to the studio today or did you take the car we got for you?
[59] Well, yeah, pretty gritty.
[60] I took a very gritty Chevy suburban, black Chevy suburban by my own wits and through my own grit and kind of just fight or flight mechanism, I managed to get into the backseat and put on my seat belt and sit pretty quietly while the car drove about five blocks to get here to the recording.
[61] Yeah.
[62] Oh, my God.
[63] How'd you survive?
[64] Yeah.
[65] Well, it was difficult, but it turns out there is a temperature control just for the backseat.
[66] And I was able to operate that.
[67] Yeah, cool.
[68] Yeah, because the driver wanted it to be 71.
[69] I prefer 68, so I was able to adjust it.
[70] And then I cracked the window a little bit.
[71] I was worried there wouldn't be mints, but there was a choice between Lifesaver, Wintergreen, and Tick -Tac, little Tick -Tacks.
[72] And so I went with the Tic -Tax.
[73] Man, you ought to write a memoir.
[74] This is a life I can't understand.
[75] Your story about being out in the streets, it's inspirational.
[76] I just hope that my children have a better experience than I've had.
[77] I hope they never have to face what I face today, getting to this podcast studio down near Bryant Park in what appears to be a very lovely Manhattan.
[78] Excited about our show today.
[79] My guest today is a cast member on Saturday Night Live and stars in the NBC series Keenan.
[80] I'm thrilled he's with us today.
[81] Chris Red, welcome.
[82] You're the like 35th guest in a row to say motherfucking proud to be Colonel O 'Brien's friend.
[83] Oh, that's tight.
[84] Yeah, John Lithgow said it.
[85] We couldn't get him to stop swearing.
[86] Really?
[87] Oh, my God, he's such a filthy guy.
[88] But I'm just so happy for your success because I met you.
[89] I think it's back in 2017.
[90] Yeah, I was so poor.
[91] I was poor.
[92] and just telling jokes on a roof.
[93] And what happened was I was doing a week of shows at Comic -Con because we used to go there every summer and we were looking for two really funny guys who could help us out and do sort of 24, it was almost like 24 -hour coverage on the roof.
[94] And so J .P. Buck, he found you and he found a guy named Moses Storm and you guys were both on the roof being really, really funny, all day, into the nights.
[95] And I would rush up occasionally and join in.
[96] And I would go up there and be like, this roof is really, it's in San Diego in the summer.
[97] Oh, man. It was the hottest thing I had ever experienced outside of, just working outside for minimum wage.
[98] Yeah.
[99] And it was, but it was so tight because, I mean, it was me and Moses Storm who we could talk shit anywhere.
[100] Yeah.
[101] And so it was, like, kind of the perfect person to do that with.
[102] But, like, I had been in L .A. then, like, I haven't been going back and forth for, like, two years.
[103] And every person I had, like, watched coming up, disappointed me when I met him.
[104] So, like, for you to be so cool and come up, and I was like, oh, we're in the roof, he's never up here.
[105] And then you came up there, we're like, oh, my fucking God, he's here.
[106] Yo, he's here doing, we're doing bits.
[107] Oh, shit.
[108] He's too rich to do it.
[109] I wouldn't do that if I was him.
[110] Yeah, no. Well, I invested poorly.
[111] I lost all my money.
[112] I'll just tell you, it's theme restaurants are what killed me. Really?
[113] Yeah.
[114] I have a truck restaurant coming up.
[115] Don't do it.
[116] It's called Pick me up, pick me up.
[117] You pick up, pick me up.
[118] I'm telling you, Chris, so I would, but I met you up on this roof and you were really funny and you were terrific.
[119] And then shortly after that, I hear, hey, do you hear the news?
[120] Chris got signed out live.
[121] And you clicked right away.
[122] You started killing it.
[123] You're so funny on the show.
[124] Thanks, man. And so I was very, I've just been delighted for you.
[125] Seriously, you know, so happy for you.
[126] That means a lot, man, because, you know, I saw your picture on the wall.
[127] For people who have not been in SNL writers' room on the ninth floor in 30 Rock, there's like pictures of all the writers who are.
[128] they took um well it to be fair a soul they bought yeah 100 % we all sold our souls that's exactly right yes 600 dollars i have no regrets and a blood oath uh but it's it's just it's just really really cool to um to have you say that man because uh your opinion means a lot and um and y 'all were my family you know what i'm saying and still are and uh it was like y 'all and will and grace uh willing grace roll on that.
[129] Yep, yep.
[130] And I was, like, working with y 'all all the time.
[131] And then when I got that, I didn't believe it at first.
[132] And then I didn't know if I was going to keep it because I was still on, like, disjoining at the time.
[133] And so I didn't know if I could do both the shows.
[134] Yep.
[135] And so there was a whole, like, argument for, like, two weeks.
[136] So my first two weeks of SNL was like, I don't know if I'm going to be here the whole time.
[137] It's not funny how you go from, it's a very common thing.
[138] You plug away at it for a long time.
[139] Yeah.
[140] And there's no opportunity.
[141] And then suddenly there are three shows that want you And there's a fight over where you're going to go Yeah And it's just as you get started out live And you're thinking I might not be able to do this Because these other two shows want me to do stuff Yeah It's really weird It's like an embarrassment of riches in that way But I was like I love those problems More than searching around for a gig Because I mean Hell marrying your self -tapes from Chicago to Hollywood was a hell.
[142] Hell, man. Like, but everybody in Chicago has to do it, especially if you're on the come -up, but you can't, like, afford to fly all the time.
[143] Like, you're just in the musty basement, it's just trying to, like, do these characters and hope somebody on their lunch break will see your tape.
[144] So describe the process.
[145] You're making a tape.
[146] You're doing your characters.
[147] You're doing your comedy, probably showing your stand -up.
[148] And then you're mailing it?
[149] So you're, like, well, you're emailing it.
[150] Oh, you're mailing it.
[151] But I also like to mail mine, put some weed in there.
[152] But it's like...
[153] You know, it's very hard to put weed into an email.
[154] Yeah, it really is.
[155] I've tried.
[156] It really is.
[157] And until they have that technology, what are we really doing?
[158] Well, you can do a weed NFT, but you can't smoke that.
[159] But what made it bad is, like, you want a reader, and you're in Chicago.
[160] You're in a city where, like, people have real jobs.
[161] And so only people who are available to read for you are other actors who are up for the same role.
[162] And so they're just, like, reading, but, like, we're a little less.
[163] energy, then you really want them to give you.
[164] And kind of trying to screw you over.
[165] Yeah, yeah, but hey man. Hey, could you just read it normal, be?
[166] I'm reading it normal.
[167] Yeah, coughing a lot while you're saying your line.
[168] Oh, sorry.
[169] Oh, man, that was a really good take.
[170] Too bad I said, I took a shit on myself.
[171] You know, what I didn't know about you, and this is something we have in common, is we both started out in rap.
[172] Yeah.
[173] Oh, really?
[174] Oh, yeah.
[175] Did you start out of that?
[176] I didn't hear your mixtape, man. Yeah, yeah, I had, you know, mine was old school, you know, it was I'm Conan O 'Brien and I'm here to say real white guy rap of the mid -80s.
[177] But that's how I broke through.
[178] I knew that was my way.
[179] I really liked your joint too big for Small Talk.
[180] Like, I love that song so much.
[181] It's just one line, and the beat just came.
[182] carries it for 15 minutes.
[183] Once I saw jump around, I knew that white Irish guys in Boston were supposed to rap.
[184] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[185] So that's how I got into it.
[186] I love that.
[187] I love that.
[188] I really want you to finish the departed themed album you're doing.
[189] Yeah, that's a side project I haven't told many people about, but I didn't think there was enough, you know, rapping in most, but by white guys, my age in most movies so I've been working hard on that and I'm just glad to see you on your shit man just really stretching yourself out you know what I mean?
[190] I want justice I want to be represented I want justice I'm sick of people assuming I can't rap because of the color of my skin yeah yeah because they definitely do that this is bullshit no I didn't know that you like when you were a kid and you're growing up in Missouri.
[191] Is that right?
[192] I moved around a lot, but I was growing, I grew up and went to high school, middle school, in Chicago, Chicago suburbs.
[193] In Naperville, right?
[194] Yeah, Naperville.
[195] That's where Bob Odenkirk's from, Naperville.
[196] Yeah, I think Bob Odenkirk is the only good thing to come out of Naperville.
[197] But besides the cocaine and heroin.
[198] Well, now there's you too, so that's great.
[199] Yeah, but I don't like the city at all because they were racist to me. Is that true?
[200] Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[201] I had a terrible time And I mean, not every day, of course You know, you can live in hell And every, every so often You're like, you know what?
[202] It's not cold, you know what I mean?
[203] Right.
[204] But I don't like the city at all.
[205] They got some issues.
[206] How did that, I mean, manifest itself?
[207] How did that?
[208] Everybody gave you a hard time Because of your race?
[209] Well, yeah, it's that.
[210] And then also, like, I have a big family that we're off from Mississippi from Mississippi.
[211] I put that in quotations, guys, because nobody's from Mississippi for real.
[212] Right.
[213] And, um...
[214] What?
[215] What do you mean?
[216] Yeah, exactly.
[217] Isn't that where all civilization began?
[218] Come on now.
[219] You know what?
[220] I was talking to somebody that were like, I was in Mississippi.
[221] I don't know where I was at.
[222] But I was like, wow, what privilege that is to be in Mississippi and not know where you were at.
[223] Right, right.
[224] I would, me, no one in my family could ever say that shit ever in their lives.
[225] Right.
[226] Because we're black.
[227] In Mississippi, you got to know where you're at.
[228] At all times.
[229] I've never been down there.
[230] I'm like, oh, I don't know where this is, but it's lovely.
[231] You know what I'm just floating around, drifting through Mississippi.
[232] Just drifting through.
[233] But it was like, I found myself, like, caught in the middle sometimes because I was all, like, my family was in the city.
[234] There was on the west side and the south side of Chicago.
[235] And then we moved up to the suburbs.
[236] So I was like, two suburb to be hanging out with my cousins.
[237] They were like, you're not hard enough to kick it with us.
[238] But I was always out there trying to kick it with them.
[239] But then I would go to school.
[240] And it was like, well, you're not wide enough.
[241] to be kicking it with us.
[242] So then I was kind of like stuck in the middle and just kind of feeling bad.
[243] I was feeling bad about my parents doing well.
[244] And then on top of that, they didn't really like care for the rap and shit too much.
[245] But I just pushed through anyway.
[246] So all that kind of manifests into who I am now.
[247] And you got, you know, I have this theory.
[248] I'm serious about this, which is that I think sometimes if you grow up and you don't quite know what your identity is, it actually helps you.
[249] 100 % my drive was finding who I was and when I was rapping and I'm still I still rap but like when I was rapping and trying to build a career out of it I was that was my identity was I rap and I'm trying to find myself in that and I and you and I think because you're like always um insecure about it and like trying to figure it out you're trying shit so you like you you like I was trying stuff all the time like I didn't have money but like I would take my dad's old shirts mix it with some with some jeans and try to come up with a new style I'm like y 'all So I looked ridiculous.
[250] I had like business blazers up top, but like hood shit at the bottom.
[251] So I was like, I was trying to match.
[252] I was like, see, I'm from the birds and the street, son, you can see it in my clothes.
[253] And I just looked like two ink, two incomplete motherfuckers on one person, you know.
[254] So when you're sitting down, you're working for IBM.
[255] But when you stand up, I'm an A &R for Dempty.
[256] Constantly tricking people.
[257] Oh, this is a business meeting.
[258] Sorry, no, I'll stand up.
[259] Oh, Jesus Christ.
[260] And it was wild, but it was like, but when I look back now that I do comedy, because I wasn't doing comedy back then, like, I was in the comedy and studying it, but only because I had, like, social anxiety.
[261] And so I was like, oh, if I'm funny around people, that's kind of like my way in to get comfortable, and then I can just, like, actually just relax.
[262] Tell me if I'm wrong, but if you're rapping, that's getting you on your feet and using your verbal skills.
[263] And also, there's a big, because people love to hear me analyze rap.
[264] Trust me, that's a huge part of this podcast.
[265] But there's energy, swagger, you can take on different personas.
[266] In a weird way, it's not bad training to get you into stand -up, I would think.
[267] It's not at all.
[268] Once you really, like, just dive in into statured.
[269] I was scared of stand -up, though, because it's like no beat, nothing to hide behind you know you're kind of just out there um but if you're doing music right that's kind of the same thing you're just packaging it up in a in a in a studio and then giving it to the world but i man i have a stuttering issue i always have when i was a kid and rap helped me uh i learned how to catch up with my thoughts and slow down like so i wouldn't stutter so much but um i wasn't my authentic self so right right it'd be interesting to make music it's well it is interesting made music now where I'm not like prejudging it like when I was when I was younger trying to make a record I wasn't trying to write I was trying to write like who I am but I was more trying to like look at what was popular and like try to fit in with that that's what we all do right on the on the on the on the whatever you want to call it on the way up on the journey whatever you want to say 100 % young people think oh you know Chris Red I love him they think you showed up as Chris Redd They don't know that what they're seeing is years and years and years and years if you're not knowing, not being sure, trying different things, struggling, and then starting to find your footing.
[270] And, you know, on some level, you're still going to be figuring it out five years from now.
[271] Yeah, no, it's, that's so, so true.
[272] And honestly, it's one of the things that, like, bugs me sometimes because people will talk to me, like, I've always, I've always been doing exactly what I want to do.
[273] And I'm like, well, in some instances, I'm still not doing exactly when I want to do.
[274] But I am.
[275] I'm on my, I'm on a good track.
[276] But, like, I was broke until I was 31 years old.
[277] That's a long fucking time to not have shit for yourself to watch everybody in their lives look at you like you're fucking crazy.
[278] Because I chase two dreams.
[279] And it didn't pop off until I was 30.
[280] So, like, imagine your friends looking around at you like, yo, this rap dream, nothing has come of it.
[281] And then they're like, so what are you going to do?
[282] I remember I stopped rapping at 22.
[283] I'm like, I'm going to try to figure out something else.
[284] And they're like, good, you can go back to school.
[285] And I'm like, I'm going to be a comedian.
[286] Like, what, another one?
[287] Just fucking do something normal.
[288] So I just chose to be broke as fuck all through my 20s.
[289] You know, and if this hasn't worked out, I don't know, what would have happened?
[290] You know what I mean, I would have figured it out.
[291] But like, it's like there's so much of my, so much of who I am and so much of my story is the come up.
[292] And when people talk to me, like, I ain't, like, they're like, oh, you're, like, you don't get, you don't get it.
[293] You don't get what it's like to have, like, one of my uncles, and they can't, they don't, they don't help, they can't help it.
[294] But I was talking to one of my, my cousins, and I was like, oh, man, they got you working on Thanksgiving.
[295] I hate, I hate, I hate when I had to do that.
[296] And he, and then my uncle's like, huh, you got to start somewhere.
[297] I'm like, nigga, I started there, too.
[298] I worked at seven different olive gardens because I kept stealing stuff.
[299] But also you love the food.
[300] I do love an olive garden.
[301] I'm not going to lie.
[302] Every time I say super salad, I'm like, we are family.
[303] You know what I mean?
[304] I love an out of garden.
[305] You're going to get so much, they're going to send you crates of cheesy sticks.
[306] Of cheesy sticks and the thickest Fredo sauce.
[307] Yeah, exactly.
[308] No, that's probably the minute you start to hit and things start to gel.
[309] There's a little bit of a, well, you lucked out sentiment from some people.
[310] think.
[311] Do you want to see the thousands and thousands and thousands of hours of despair?
[312] Just so sad.
[313] Like, man, like, I remember doing so many shows and then, like, this girl I wanted to take out this one time.
[314] I had no money.
[315] I had $20.
[316] And I had $150 worth of shit to do on this date.
[317] And I had, somebody show didn't plan right.
[318] But I was like, oh, I'm going to take her to this, like, wing bar.
[319] It's like this bar.
[320] It's like this bar out in, um, And out in Aurora, some suburbs I had never been to, but I knew it was nice.
[321] And this girl I went to school with, she didn't like me in high school.
[322] But then now she's giving me a chance.
[323] And I was like, oh, shit, here we go.
[324] And what are you doing at this point?
[325] Are you a comedian at this point?
[326] I'm a comedian at this point, but I have no money, obviously.
[327] And so I take her, so we're on our way.
[328] And GPS is not a thing, right, at this point.
[329] So I had printed out this MapQuest shit.
[330] And we get there, and it's a wing stop, bro.
[331] and a very small one at that And I was like Oh shit I think this took me to the wrong place Let me just look this up real quick And then so I looked it up And we were an hour and a half away From where I wanted to take her Oh God So I looked at her And I looked at the Wingstock And I was like We're here You can have any flavor you want to have Looks kind of nice And she's If she was a troupe, her name was Ashie, we're still friends to this day.
[332] Friends to this day.
[333] Yeah.
[334] But she was so sweet about it, man. She sat in there and ate wingstop with me and there.
[335] Like, I wasn't.
[336] Good for her.
[337] Good for her.
[338] And she's like, I love your blazer with your hood jeans.
[339] And I was like, thank you very much.
[340] I'm going for a look.
[341] I'm going for a look.
[342] But now you can take her to an even better wing stop.
[343] Yeah, yeah.
[344] I could take her to where they kill the chickens, baby.
[345] Right this way, Mr. Oh!
[346] Oh, Mr. Red, I didn't realize.
[347] It was you.
[348] Come on in.
[349] I've been twirling necks in.
[350] Licking lemon pepper all week.
[351] You can help us kill the chickens.
[352] Chris Wright, everybody.
[353] He's going to help us kill chickens.
[354] I love hearing these stories of you get the call to come do S &L.
[355] It's going to sound great.
[356] crazy to people, but it's like being in the Marines or something.
[357] You can talk to people about it later on, and I can be an old Marine, and you can be a young Marine.
[358] But there's some stuff that's like, oh, yeah, you know, when the bugle blows at five and you got to get up and do push -ups, doesn't that suck?
[359] It sure does.
[360] They actually made us do push -ups.
[361] For real, no, it's definitely that.
[362] And you feel like you have that commotary.
[363] I feel like that's what a fraternity.
[364] I didn't finish college because I knew my calling.
[365] But I imagine that's attorneys like, you know, is, you know, you meet people from all walks, like, and they can only, only we can understand truly what it was like to be and work in that place, because everybody else has that asterisk above it.
[366] Like, it's still, to them, it's like, it's, it's all, and it is, like, a fucking dream job.
[367] It's like, hell yeah.
[368] But it's also a job, and you need people that you can just talk shit about your job, because everybody talks, no matter what your job is, there's going to be some days you're just shooting.
[369] I've always said, I've always said that if you're the ice cream tester for Ben and Jerry's, there's a day when you come home.
[370] Yeah.
[371] And your wife's like, how was it?
[372] Oh, fuck.
[373] Today, there's a new triple ripple fudge.
[374] And I had to taste it, and it's fine.
[375] I wasn't really.
[376] You know, like the best job in the world, someone's bitching about, I just got to get out of this beautiful ice cream factory.
[377] Yeah.
[378] Oh, you know, I just found out I'm lactose intolerant.
[379] I've been shitting.
[380] all over the place.
[381] The lactose intolerant ice cream tester for Ben and Jerry's.
[382] Please make that a character and then cut me in for just a piece of the merch.
[383] That's all I want.
[384] I got you, V. But that's the thing is I'm guessing you were terrified.
[385] We're taping here in New York City all this week and talking to people.
[386] And so I've been walking around and I keep passing the hotel where they put my writing partner and I up for two weeks while they were testing.
[387] us out.
[388] So Greg Danielson and I...
[389] The Sheridan?
[390] Yeah.
[391] It's...
[392] Or is it the Omni?
[393] I don't know.
[394] But I think it's the...
[395] I don't know what it is, but I see it.
[396] And the minute I see it, my body is flooded with anxiety.
[397] It's seared into your mind.
[398] Like, that Sheridan that I stayed at.
[399] And then there's this other little small hotel that's like right across the street from 30 Rock.
[400] I forget the name of that joint, but I was in, I've been in those two hotels the most when I was first like, like, you know, they'll fly you out.
[401] to do the audition and I just remember sitting up there with a Jack and Coke waiting for Lauren our times were pushed back because he was taking a helicopter from the Hamptons I was like that's a dope -ass reason yeah yeah Lauren is actually Lauren's one of the stars of succession this year yeah man I've got to go into the city to see Chris Red massive helicopter it was the first time I was like they were like yeah your audition time is pushed back two hours like what why Not like I had nothing else to do Now I have to have another Jack and Coke What the fuck I was like I just want to get it out the way What could be the reason Oh he's flying from the Hampton That helicopter I'm like I've never heard a reason like that I don't think I have enough money To even have her No one's ever said it When you were hanging out at the wing stop Sorry I'm late My helicopter was having trouble It's called rich people problems Yeah man I want to have those problems so bad.
[402] I was like, oh, I would love that.
[403] I would love that.
[404] Oh, sorry, my helicopter got caught in the air.
[405] You know, what's funny is I was on, I did like a tour with a bunch of stand -up comedians, and Moses was one of them.
[406] This is a couple, like, before COVID.
[407] But there were times where we had to get from one city, the other city, and the only way to get there, really, and make it in time, was to charter, like, a plane.
[408] Yeah.
[409] And about halfway through the tour, it became clear to me that all the other comics thought, this was my plane.
[410] Oh, 100%.
[411] And it was so funny because at one point, I don't know who it was, but one of the stand -ups was saying, you know, so how do you, do you choose which kind of wood you want in your plane?
[412] And I said, what?
[413] And they said, did you decide like, do you want this kind of wood or how does it work?
[414] Like, when you go and pick it up?
[415] And I said, pick what up?
[416] And I said, wait a minute.
[417] And I had to stand and give an announcement and said, I don't have a plane.
[418] And their response was, You've been on TV our entire lives.
[419] So, of course, you have a plane.
[420] And I'm like, no, I don't have a plane.
[421] If I had a plane, I could have it for, I think, a couple of weeks.
[422] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[423] And then there'd be some problems.
[424] Yep.
[425] The plane people would say, these checks are bouncing.
[426] The plane people.
[427] You don't go and buy a plane.
[428] No, you absolutely do not.
[429] Absolutely.
[430] But, like, people make those assumptions all the time.
[431] I remember I did my first, one of my first roles was, on a Chicago PD and I just played this dude on the west side who like fixes like some of the cops' cars or some shit like that and it was like one day shoot my family saw it and they're they think I'm living I live in a mansion they don't come see me they don't actually come to visit me in Chicago they're just like oh you're rich now boy you're on TV I'm like no no no I live with a bunch of college students and I'm in this little cupboard room for like but people just love to make those assumptions That being said, the second I can buy a plane, I don't want to.
[432] I Uber it out, you know what I'm saying?
[433] Just to make, so it can make its money.
[434] I Airbnb be the plane.
[435] You know what I mean?
[436] So wait, you're going to have, you're going to Uber it out so other people can use the plane.
[437] Yeah.
[438] But also you're going to have people living in the plane.
[439] Right?
[440] Yeah, the pilots.
[441] The pilots, they got to be ready to go at a moment's notice.
[442] I'm working all the time.
[443] They're working all the time.
[444] That plane's going to start to smell.
[445] I'm just telling you.
[446] you're going to come in there and they're like, no, we made, we just made lunch here.
[447] We slept here last night and we just cooked.
[448] We just made breakfast.
[449] Hey, man, as long as I'm just smelling fresh by the time I get on that motherfucker.
[450] I don't know why this is popping in my head, but Lauren gave me a ride in his amazing plane once, and this is when I was going to move out to L .A. After years and years and years in New York, and I'm talking, and I'm saying, yeah, here you can get like a nicer house if you live in the valley.
[451] You can get more land, if you live in San Fernando Valley and Lauren just cut me off and went you're not living in the fucking valley I don't know why it just it was like that was the Yoda wisdom you know Yodas is like there is no try there's only do and then Lawrence is like you're not living in the fucking valley yeah get real and then I looked around and noticed that oh they're bringing out a you know a giant golden avocado for me to eat and I'm getting a massage on this private plane That man has wisdom, especially when it comes to, like, money and having it and knowing what to do with it.
[452] I mean, I told him I was taking a break.
[453] He gave me some great advice, which was like, you know, spend a little bit more on yourself just to remind yourself when you get home that you got to get your ass back to work.
[454] You know what I mean?
[455] And I was like, I'm definitely going to do that.
[456] Yeah.
[457] And I did it.
[458] Yeah.
[459] So, and that's why I'm here.
[460] Y 'all paying me, right?
[461] No, I'm just kidding.
[462] Oh, yeah.
[463] The money you get for appearing on this podcast is going to stun you.
[464] It's going to stun you.
[465] It's going to change your life.
[466] Your children's children.
[467] This is ancestral money that will last forever.
[468] You know, it was funny.
[469] One of the things that I love about watching you is how much fun you're having.
[470] First of all, you're 110 % committed to whatever you're doing.
[471] Yeah, got to be.
[472] You have to be, yes.
[473] But like when you were Kanye, you know, and you had those insane, eyes.
[474] You were so, and I also can tell you're having a lot of fun.
[475] And I always feel like it's not, not a lot of people can't do it, but what's simple is when you're having fun, it's really fun to watch.
[476] Yeah, I, I have a lot of fun, especially with like characters like that because I'm a fan of, he's not a fan of my yay.
[477] Now, did he see your impression?
[478] Oh, he's seen it, for sure.
[479] And does he, did he say anything?
[480] Did it get back to you?
[481] No, and I've seen him a few times.
[482] And I just, I feel like he don't like me that much it could just be me you know what I mean in my head I remember we were all like backstage I forgot who's who show it was but I think I think I had just did Yeh like a few weeks after this and like Chappelle was there and Rock was there and they were all back there talking so we were all talking and then I walked off to get ready and I came back over and Yee was there and they were all in the semi -circuitals I was all like, this is cold.
[483] So I said, what's up to everybody again?
[484] And I was like, what's up, yay?
[485] And he gave me this over -the -shoulder Batman look.
[486] Didn't say a fucking word.
[487] And just leave just, and then walk back.
[488] I'm like, aye, yay, well, next time then.
[489] And we've seen each other several times, man. We got mutual friends.
[490] But like, you know, I just don't think he rocks with it that much.
[491] But I met him when I was younger, too.
[492] I was at the Austin Township.
[493] We used to go to the West Side on Austin Township and do like different programs for the kids.
[494] And I remember I was young.
[495] I was like 13.
[496] I made this mixtape.
[497] And Ye had just like, he just started getting popular.
[498] He just sawed some beats to Jay Z. And it was like, and that she was blowing up.
[499] So it was him in common had come to talk to all of us.
[500] So I waited until after it was over and I had my mixtape and I walked up to Ye.
[501] And I was like, yay, this is my mixtape.
[502] I'm a young.
[503] rapper, would you mind listening to it?
[504] He's like, hey, oh, nine, listen to that shit.
[505] And he walks up.
[506] So that was my first interaction week.
[507] Wow.
[508] Okay.
[509] Yeah.
[510] My first dream.
[511] You're a child.
[512] What does it take to go like, sure, I'll give it a listen.
[513] You know, throw it away later.
[514] Well, Common took it and he listened to it.
[515] And then when he came on the show, because I had him in one of the sketches, he came on the show, and we talked about this moment.
[516] And he was like, well, right then he couldn't have, you know, he couldn't have his like, it was in his contract.
[517] He couldn't pick up mixed text.
[518] I was like, I was like, I was.
[519] I was.
[520] I was.
[521] I was Like, man, you're a good guy coming for your friend.
[522] I learned something very valuable that, like, when you meet your heroes and you meet, like, some of your favorite artists, sometimes they're not going to fuck with you right away or ever, you know what I'm saying?
[523] So you got to learn to appreciate and separate the work and the art from the person.
[524] I'm in that school with you.
[525] I tried my best to separate.
[526] And it's gotten to be a tricky thing because we're in a culture now where they say if someone gets canceled or someone's, you know, does something that's not cool.
[527] We're supposed to hate their work, and I don't know.
[528] I have a difficult time with that because especially people in our world, they're flawed, but if they've done something really brilliant, I need to give it up for like that.
[529] What you did was really brilliant there.
[530] You're very talented, and then you may also be deeply screwed up, and you probably owe a bunch of people an apology.
[531] But I try.
[532] I try to keep the, that's my take on it anyway.
[533] Yeah, I mean, I feel like it's important because it's been a lot.
[534] part of our lives literally forever.
[535] I mean, people talk about how terrible Hitler was, and he was.
[536] But there's also this conversation in classes where like, but he was a brilliant war strategist and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[537] And it's like, no, there really wasn't anything.
[538] Hitler was also terrible of that.
[539] He was terrible.
[540] It's like, how are y 'all trying to find like, no, no, no, I thought you were going to say for a second, like Hitler talk about, people talk about what a bad guy Hitler was, but his early comedy albums.
[541] His mustache album was great.
[542] Yeah, the stuff he was doing in San Francisco.
[543] His scientists.
[544] In the 60s.
[545] The scientists that immigrated into America.
[546] We took their scientists.
[547] We took their Nazi racist scientists.
[548] We took their rocket scientists.
[549] And we put them into our own government.
[550] We can't.
[551] You ruined my whole point when you brought Hitler into it.
[552] Because there's nothing.
[553] Thanks a lot.
[554] I'm like, you know, and I'm trying to think of like, you know, comedians that I admire, but then later on you find out they've done some bad stuff.
[555] And I think, well, I'm trying to tease that.
[556] And you're like, yeah, because Hitler.
[557] and I'm like, oh, great.
[558] Don't pull me into your Hitler bullshit.
[559] Hey, man, hey, man. Hitler was a sharp dresser.
[560] Hitler had a cold bin.
[561] That boy had a car.
[562] He had a car, boy.
[563] That car was a tank.
[564] Hey, man. Hitler was rapper for all the little bit motherfuckers in the work.
[565] I'm putting a, I have to put out a statement now that I cannot go along with Chris Reds.
[566] I'm not a fan of Hitler.
[567] No, no, I know.
[568] I mean, everybody I know.
[569] I'm not a fan of Hitler or Adolf.
[570] Your publicist just jumped out the window.
[571] Whenever someone's backed into a corner of saying, look, I'm not a Hitler fan per se.
[572] No, I get your point.
[573] I get your point.
[574] Oh, shit.
[575] Yeah, he, you know, probably was petted a dog once.
[576] But still, you know, what's funny is, you know, we were talking about how lives change or people.
[577] people's perceptions change, there's no way, there's no way now that people in your life don't think you've got it made.
[578] And that adds some kind of pressure to you.
[579] Oh, well, it's like, yeah, yeah.
[580] Or your family or there's no way that people don't think, oh, you know, you're just, you have no problems anymore.
[581] 100%.
[582] It's that.
[583] And it's like, no, no, man. You still have problems.
[584] And you got all the other stuff to do.
[585] But it's like, I rather, I rather do all the problems now.
[586] Then dealing with all the problems without having resources to handle any of them damn problems.
[587] You know, just ignoring it.
[588] I just, I mean, it took me a long time just to, like, stop thinking any number that I didn't know calling me was somebody I owed.
[589] You know what I mean?
[590] Because I just, I call it like, there's PTSD and then there's like broke memory where you, like, wake up sometimes and just check your account to make sure, like, you're not in the red.
[591] I still do it shit to this day.
[592] But I was like, but that's a because I was literally broke for so long.
[593] that people don't don't really put the math together like I was unsuccessful for way longer than I was successful so I remember that way more than I know this I'm still learning how to you know there are these stories about Bob Hope like the huge comedian of the 30s 40s 50s like you know he was incredibly wealthy so early on like in the 1940s he starts buying up all the land in the valley where Lauren will never go but he starts buying it all up with his friends and so he you know by the time 1970s 80s he's he's one of the richest entertainers of all time crazy crazy money and I know for fact that late in his life when he was a you know he lived to be 97 or something he learned he lived a really long time when he was really old he would have people drive him in uh with coupons to like a you know to a Carl's Jr., you know, or a fast food place, and he would use the coupons to get his hamburger because he had been desperately poor.
[594] Desperately poor in, we're talking now like 100 years ago, but he was desperately poor back then and he never forgot it.
[595] And that's the kind of thing that when people have spent time without often never, ever, ever, ever, ever forget it.
[596] Especially if you were broke in the 30s.
[597] Right, exactly.
[598] Jesus Christ.
[599] That was a different kind of broke.
[600] Yeah, that was tough for white people.
[601] The 30s.
[602] The 30s was the last time white people had a difficult...
[603] I mean, we definitely had it bad.
[604] You guys had, yeah, yeah, you guys...
[605] I'm not saying you didn't.
[606] I'm just saying, yeah, you're right.
[607] When I see pictures of white people in the 30s, they got soot on their face.
[608] It's not even trying...
[609] They're not even trying to have black face.
[610] They just work hard.
[611] Shit, it's tough.
[612] Yeah, yeah.
[613] I like that.
[614] I like your take on the 30s.
[615] The last time...
[616] I got hot takes on the 30s on Hitler's car.
[617] Well, you heard it here.
[618] Officially the last time white people had anything legitimate to complain about, we've nailed down the date.
[619] It was 1937.
[620] March 5th.
[621] And then after that, they needed to shut up.
[622] Yeah.
[623] And now you just have to explain January 6th for about five years.
[624] Yes.
[625] Oh, my God.
[626] Yeah, it was crazy.
[627] That was tight.
[628] Yeah, what were you doing when January 6th happened?
[629] I was supposed to do, I think, a podcast or something, and it was during COVID.
[630] And we were still, so I was supposed to record it from home.
[631] And the TV's out on the background.
[632] And I literally, you know, the technician and everyone is on, everyone's online telling me, okay, let's get ready to do this.
[633] And in the background, I'm watching our country start to come apart at the seams.
[634] And I finally just called, I think I called Adam Sacks, who's sitting with us today, who's in charge of all the world of our podcast.
[635] And I said, I don't think we're doing a podcast right now because I think the American experiment is ending right now on CNN live.
[636] And so I don't know where you were, but that was insanity.
[637] I was in New York.
[638] We were doing the show.
[639] Actually, you were there.
[640] I saw you in the footage.
[641] Yeah, I was.
[642] I was letting people in the back.
[643] Right.
[644] Wait, some people were coming in the back and it looks like, yes, Sound Out Live's Chris Red is holding the door for them.
[645] They told me it was a barbecue.
[646] I didn't know what the plan was.
[647] I should have known.
[648] I should have no, no. At what point did you figure out this is not a social occasion?
[649] Oh, when I saw too many woodland jackets.
[650] Too many jackets with wood chips on.
[651] I'm like, this is not a barbecue I don't eat that I want to be at I mean, bro, there's a lot of things I thought about it you know what I mean?
[652] Yeah.
[653] But the first thought was how musty it must have smelled because, oh, man, there's too many teeth missing for that shit to smell great.
[654] The motherfucker stink, man. Yeah.
[655] That guy dressed up as a buffalo.
[656] You know, he hadn't showered.
[657] Hell no. He's just, that spray on it.
[658] axe and he doesn't like hit the skin he just sprays around it he has a friend spray a little axe and then he walks through it yeah it doesn't work that way my guy and then he says why did the spin doctors break up he has to live with that footage forever man I think he's had kids too yeah the guy with the buffalo yeah he's dressed he's wearing like buffalo horns and he's all painted and you know that five years from now he's going to pass the bar somewhere and be like legitimate lawyer and people are going to be bringing that up and he's going to go you know that's not me anymore yeah man no dude i was just like i was an animal back then it was a weird time it was a weird time we were all just really like we were just stressed out yeah and that's what you when you're stressed you try and undo a 220 year constitutional experiment that's what we all do them were stressed they were trying to steal the constitution and they didn't do what though man like you read it Half the people can't read.
[659] I found it.
[660] Here it is.
[661] Oh, all right.
[662] I got it.
[663] All right now.
[664] All right, so, all right, so, all right, we got it now.
[665] What did you say?
[666] It's like, it's not voodoo, though.
[667] You can't change it and then things happen.
[668] It's very weird.
[669] I think they weren't quite sure what they were doing, by the way.
[670] I don't think.
[671] You don't think they were planned?
[672] I don't think they had a good thought -out plan.
[673] That's just me. And I've tried to put this out there before, and people say you're crazy, Conan.
[674] But that's just my bet.
[675] Yeah, it's just the equivalent of like, you know, if we're like, yo, let's go rob a bank.
[676] No, no, let's go rob a library, bro.
[677] Take all the encyclopedias.
[678] So then we'll have all the words.
[679] And nobody will have words because we got the words.
[680] We got the words.
[681] That's a plan.
[682] Actually.
[683] Now get your Buffalo costume.
[684] You still got that?
[685] Hold on.
[686] It's in the attic, I think.
[687] Honey.
[688] Where's the buffalo head?
[689] This again.
[690] We're going to, shut up.
[691] This is me doing me. We got to go steal the words from the library.
[692] Where is the, where is the, no, the buffalo head that I wear.
[693] It's in the attic.
[694] I locked it up with the guns.
[695] This is verbatim conversation from one of their households.
[696] Yeah, we actually got a transcript.
[697] We're just performing it.
[698] This is NPR.
[699] This is a legitimate, this is legitimate, this is legitimate news.
[700] So tell me about your day today, because I know this is, I'm catching you in a work week.
[701] You got a Saturday live this week.
[702] So I know that yesterday was read through.
[703] So you kind of know what the show is going to be.
[704] You have an idea of what it's going to be so far.
[705] How late in the process can you come up with something new?
[706] If you had a really funny idea maybe for update late in the week or something or someone pitched you something, how late?
[707] Because I remember, it was, things were pretty set by.
[708] Thursday, I mean, they had to be.
[709] Well, update is like, cold open is definitely like, not that I come up with ideas for code open, I never think about that, but like, uh, cold, I'm, like, the script will first see it Friday night or even Saturday's now.
[710] Right.
[711] And then update, you know, Friday, I didn't know I was doing Kanye until Friday evening.
[712] Oh, really?
[713] Yeah.
[714] And I was like, oh, shit, okay.
[715] And so then I was just on set of my music videos, me and Pete were shooting trees at the time.
[716] Yeah.
[717] And so in between takes, I was, like, trying to get my Kanye down for that next day because I was like, oh, it's my first time in the cold open for real and, like, doing a character and I ain't never really done Kanye.
[718] Like, I don't.
[719] Oh, you hadn't?
[720] I hadn't.
[721] It was so funny.
[722] It was so good.
[723] I appreciate it, man. Like, I try to, like, I love doing characters, obviously, but I don't, like, I didn't fancy myself an impressionist.
[724] I'm like, people I can have fun with.
[725] And that's some of my favorite things to watch.
[726] It's, like, watching, like, a, like, a Kate.
[727] like Andy Sandberg, like, do impressions where some are like, oh, shit, that's like, that's them.
[728] And then some, they're just having so much fun.
[729] Like, you're like, oh, they're, they're bringing something new to this person that really didn't give them much to start with.
[730] Right.
[731] And they're just having a, and then you have people like James Austin, Johnson, who can be spot on.
[732] Yes.
[733] And it's like, or like a J. Farrell, you're like, oh, fuck, that's amazing.
[734] You know what I mean?
[735] Or Chloe or, I mean, there's plenty of people.
[736] I'm not going to name my whole cast.
[737] I love you guys.
[738] And now the people you didn't mention No, but I know that Back in my day when Dana Carvey would do Bush He just kept stretching it out And making it, you know, we're not going to do it Just became nagga that Big Witch became a ga ga ga ga And he was stretching it so far out That it almost had, it started to have nothing to do With George Bush Sr., but it was hilarious And fantastic and I thought, oh, those are the impressions I really love is when someone, you know, your Kanye, a year from now might be quite different.
[739] You know what I mean?
[740] You're Cory Booker might.
[741] You might find stuff and it starts to drift away from the actual person but in a way become even more fun.
[742] Yeah, especially Cory Booker because he doesn't, like, he's just like very well put together dude, pretty just like, you know, passionate about things, caring.
[743] And that's pretty boring stuff when he comes to like a comedian and who's looking for shit to make fun of.
[744] So, like, I accentuate the things that I noticed, but I notice face shit first.
[745] Like, I love facial expressions and, like, and, and it was so fun.
[746] Especially with Corey, because Corey doesn't like the impression that much.
[747] I do.
[748] Is that true?
[749] It got back to you?
[750] Yeah, because his, well, because the people that, some people that work for him, like, they were like, we love it.
[751] So I'm like, he doesn't.
[752] Yeah, yeah.
[753] Because that's usually how it works.
[754] Because you're not hearing from him.
[755] Yeah, yeah.
[756] And then Rosario Dawson did a interview, I think, with like TMZ, and she was like, I want to give Estinnell and then Chris Redd some pointers.
[757] That's not her voice.
[758] Like I said, I'm not an impression.
[759] But she's like, I want to give him some pointers on how to do Cory Booker.
[760] I'm like, nah, no, I love Rosario Dawson.
[761] I think she's incredible at everything, but giving me advice.
[762] But you don't need tips from you.
[763] You got this.
[764] I'm good.
[765] And Cory Booker fans Like his eyes don't do that I'm like are y 'all not looking at this man Anytime he's intense His eyes get big Just like that Yeah Yeah but I love I love that I love finding a little something And having fun with him That's what all this shit is about You know what I mean So yeah it's it's fun Her tips by the way were like He's caring He cares about a whole lot of things He's so funny That's hilarious That's hilarious Sorry, I was like, hilarious.
[766] You know, who else is funny?
[767] My pastor.
[768] What are we talking about, bro?
[769] Jesus Christ.
[770] He's passionate.
[771] He picks up puppies.
[772] Cool, man. That's great.
[773] That's going to have him howling in the aisles.
[774] I still love you with Luke Cage, though.
[775] You're super dope.
[776] You know, I don't want to keep you because you've got, you've got to get to work.
[777] Yeah, it's a light week.
[778] We're good.
[779] You remember that?
[780] You know.
[781] I'm coming in.
[782] Right now, Lauren is at SNL, Gordon.
[783] Like, where's Chris Red?
[784] The fuck.
[785] Where's my pop?
[786] What's happening?
[787] He's doing a thing with Conan.
[788] Is he still?
[789] It's a, oh, podcast.
[790] Oh, that's sad.
[791] Why is it?
[792] Why is it?
[793] Why is Conan turning a sketch out?
[794] I love Lauren.
[795] Yeah, Lauren.
[796] Conan left Saturday Night Live 72 years ago.
[797] Oh.
[798] You never really leave.
[799] Why hasn't Conan turned into sketch?
[800] I love that take.
[801] I don't see Conan much around this week.
[802] Yeah, yeah, he left in 1942 to go fight Hitler.
[803] And he won and got the car as a...
[804] Yeah, man, that's an...
[805] He had a good car.
[806] He had a nice car.
[807] Hey, Chris, I am just really happy that you could come in and do this.
[808] Oh, man. So happy for you.
[809] and you are brilliantly talented, but also, and I know this for a fact because I stood on a roof with you in San Diego, you haven't changed at all.
[810] You've got all this success.
[811] You are an really nice, honest, real person then.
[812] You're that guy now, and I'm just delighted.
[813] Thank you so much, man. It means a lot.
[814] I will never change.
[815] Well, I have better clothes now.
[816] You have much better clothes now.
[817] Oh, God.
[818] You were wearing towels.
[819] You had, when I knew you, you had safety pins and you had taken hotel towels and made yourself a suit.
[820] They were 300 count, to be very honest with you.
[821] They were very plush.
[822] But I would, like, literally, man, I love you, I love you, Coney, man. Like, you're, you know, I've always been a fan and you're one of my favorite, favorite comics and late night hosts and our podcasters.
[823] And, but you're like, and soon furniture salesmen.
[824] I love that.
[825] I need 50 calories.
[826] I will take care of you.
[827] But you're like meeting you and the way you've been, you've looked out for me, man, is the way you like want every person that you look up to in this business to be like when you meet them.
[828] That's nice.
[829] And it's not that way.
[830] So it's really special when it is.
[831] And I really appreciate you, dude.
[832] Just never impersonate me because then I will shut you down.
[833] Man, they'll give that to Mikey.
[834] You don't think they're going to give it to you?
[835] Yeah, I was like, I got this dope Conan O 'Brien.
[836] Oh, cool, man. Okay.
[837] Really?
[838] You ever thought about somebody else?
[839] No, no. It's got to be Conan.
[840] It's got to be this week.
[841] It's got to be this week.
[842] It's got to be this week.
[843] It's got to be Conan.
[844] Hey, Chris Red.
[845] Thank you so much.
[846] And I'm just going to bug you all the time now.
[847] Come on, man. Hit me up.
[848] I got a mixtape and want you to hear.
[849] Dude, hey, I'm with it.
[850] I'm with it.
[851] I am with it.
[852] And this man gave me my special, man. So I'm going to finish that.
[853] joints.
[854] Okay.
[855] Yeah, I'm gonna finish that shit.
[856] Yeah, you finish that shit.
[857] Because we gave you the money and you immediately spent it.
[858] On a plane.
[859] We didn't give you that much.
[860] Nope.
[861] That is one shitty plane.
[862] I am not getting in that plane.
[863] It's called Uber plane.
[864] One of the wings aren't on it, but it does fly.
[865] I do not want to get yelled at by Lauren, so please go and have a great show.
[866] Oh man. Thank you, man. I appreciate Let's do a little review the reviewers where I read a review from Apple Podcasts.
[867] We discuss it.
[868] Okay.
[869] I will gird myself.
[870] You know what that means?
[871] Gird yourself?
[872] Yeah.
[873] Like you gird your loins?
[874] Yeah, you sort of tense up a little bit.
[875] You prepare yourself.
[876] You get ready.
[877] That's how I feel whenever someone says, O 'Connor and I heard this comment about you, I then gird myself.
[878] I prepare myself for potential pain.
[879] Well, ungird yourself because we're not.
[880] No one said that in a long time.
[881] Ungird yourself, old friend.
[882] The title of this review is Conan's Miracle Voice.
[883] It's a five -star review.
[884] And it comes to us from Jim Jim Binks, assuming that's Jarger's brother.
[885] I listen to this podcast with my nine -year -old daughter in the car every week.
[886] A little bit of background.
[887] She is nonverbal.
[888] And when she was four, I was told she would likely never talk.
[889] Today, when driving with my daughter while listening to the show, as Conan was talking about pens, my daughter loudly said, off Conan, demanding I turn the show off.
[890] So the combined power of Sona, Matt, Conan, and Shaquille O 'Neal gave voice to a once voiceless child.
[891] Since that moment, she has said more and more words.
[892] I am forever indebted to this podcast and its hosts for being so grating to my daughter's ears that she figured out how to use her vocal cords specifically to tell me to turn it off.
[893] This is real?
[894] This is real.
[895] I'm assuming.
[896] I don't, I mean, it couldn't be fake, but it seems sincere.
[897] That's crazy.
[898] Isn't that sweet?
[899] I mean, first of all, I am legitimately happy that this child is making progress.
[900] And if we're any small part of that, that's great.
[901] I wish it was in a slightly nicer content.
[902] But I have to say, that sounds like a miracle.
[903] Yeah, Conan's miracle voice.
[904] Well, yeah, but the next.
[905] negative power of my voice.
[906] I mean, you have to admit, it was the sheer impulse to get me to shut up.
[907] I don't know.
[908] That's amazing.
[909] I feel like if it was during the pen conversation, she was probably like, he's being unreasonable.
[910] Turn him off.
[911] I think she wasn't.
[912] Let's bring people up to date on what the pen conversation was.
[913] Do you guys know how to summarize it briefly?
[914] Yeah, you, Sona, you say, because you had ordered him a bunch of pens, right?
[915] Well, okay.
[916] All right, I didn't order him pens.
[917] I sent, we have a young man who helps us out, and he bought Conan some pens when Conan wanted him.
[918] Then a year and a half later, Conan opened up the bag of pens we got and found out they were fine tip instead of bold.
[919] And Conan texted me in such a aggressive manner that we ended up talking about it on the podcast.
[920] And I can see why she would want to turn that off.
[921] I really got into the weeds about the differences between the fine point and the bold point of this pen.
[922] And I could see that anyone who had to listen to that would think, what a madhouse.
[923] This is a madman and these people are enabling this madman.
[924] We now have proof that I'm insane and that I went way too far with those pens.
[925] because this child summoned the ability to speak out of the ether to get me to stop talking about the goddamn pens.
[926] Even when you guys were setting this up, I wanted to scream, off, Conan.
[927] Well, I bet even recapping it, if that child hears the recap, the child's going to make seven more, seven times the progress instantly.
[928] Oh, she's going to do like Hamlet's saloonies out of nowhere.
[929] Please, Conan, silence.
[930] Your wretched tongue I cannot stand this Plithering and Prathering About pens There are much larger issues in life You should be concerned with To be or not to me That is the question Whether it is nobler in the mind To suffer the strings I find Kohnin's actions To be unreasonable Once more dear friends Unto de Breit Oh no Wow Well, I mean, all joking aside, that's lovely if that's the case.
[931] And it's sincerely very, very happy that this child is making such great progress.
[932] And also good to know that in my own backwards way, I have powers.
[933] I could go to one of those revival tents where they bring people up who have crutches.
[934] and I'll start going on about these pens and people will throw their crutches away say I can walk and then they will run out of the tent.
[935] People will come from miles around.
[936] I haven't been able to see since childhood.
[937] Well, I can tell you about these pens suddenly eyesight returns so they can see the exit and dash out.
[938] It's a miracle.
[939] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[940] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[941] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[942] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Cooke, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[943] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[944] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[945] Take it away, Jimmy.
[946] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[947] Engineering by Will Bechton.
[948] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.
[949] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[950] Got a question for Conan?
[951] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
[952] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[953] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[954] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.