#1528 - Nikki Glaser

[0] Three, two, one.

[1] Hello, Nikki.

[2] Hello, Joe Rogan.

[3] So I saw your tweet.

[4] This is how this all came about.

[5] And you said, you were going to shave your head in solidarity for a friend who has cancer.

[6] Yeah.

[7] And then you're like, actually, there's no friend.

[8] And I was like, oh, no. Nicky's going crazy.

[9] Yeah, I'm going off the fucking deep end is what I was said.

[10] Yes.

[11] I think we all are.

[12] And I've been trying to, like, check in on everybody because all of us, comedians, have not had our medicine.

[13] It's a good point This is like we're junkies We're laugh junkies We really are You know and I didn't realize How much I mean I knew I missed it But I did one weekend in Houston Like a month or so ago And then right away I was like oh my God I got my fix Like I'm And then you know Talking to all these people That are doing like Mark Norm's doing shows in a park Yep You know Burke Kreis just doing Doing drive -ins I'm doing them too Are you?

[14] Yeah I'm going out next weekend What is it?

[15] Have you done them yet?

[16] No, I'm terrified.

[17] Any stand -up since March?

[18] Well, no, I've done stand -up.

[19] I've been sneaking around just, I mean, I did Salt Lake City.

[20] I went out there in July and did wise guys because they were doing it really responsibly.

[21] It was fine.

[22] It was good.

[23] It was fine.

[24] I mean, it felt good to be on stage, but it felt weird.

[25] Like, I need to be going out every night to feel really good.

[26] You know, it'd been so many months that I just, I need to get some momentum.

[27] I need to work out a little bit.

[28] So it felt like I was getting my sea legs back.

[29] but I had good shows and the room is just they're not seating the room like the way comedy is supposed to be seated which is everyone bunched together as close to the stage as possible it's like it's the worst seated the seating for comedy shows now is like a terrible club you know you go to a club and they don't know how to seat and they just let people sit wherever they want it's like a shitty open mic when you first started that's the way it feels like now because everyone has to be spread out so it's never going to feel as good as it felt before with a sold -out crowd.

[30] And no matter how good the laughs are, them spread out in a big room.

[31] They didn't spread them out too much in Houston.

[32] I'm going to be honest with you.

[33] I don't know what they did in Houston.

[34] They said it was 75 % capacity when we were there.

[35] And I'm like, I don't know.

[36] I know.

[37] That's what they say.

[38] I don't want to walk around with a clicker and start counting heads.

[39] But it was a lot of folks in there.

[40] No, I did one gig like that in St. Louis that I felt like, okay, I don't feel good about this.

[41] I did it because I wanted to, I was far enough from everyone to feel good about it, but I felt bad that maybe the audience got there and was like, we were sold a different idea of what this would be because we get in there and we're seated a little bit too close.

[42] But wise guys in Salt Lake, they did it really, like, I felt good about being there.

[43] I didn't feel like anyone was going to get sick.

[44] How many of their seat?

[45] It was definitely like a third capacity.

[46] I mean, the guy is just struggling to stay open.

[47] It's so sad, but it didn't feel good.

[48] All the loans are drying up, all the relief is drying up.

[49] Are there going to be comedy clubs to even go to after all of this?

[50] It's a real good question.

[51] I'm nervous.

[52] It's a real good question.

[53] There's going to be a lot less.

[54] And then what happens?

[55] Because a lot of bars are going under, too.

[56] So it's not like you're going to be able to replace them with bar shows because who knows how many bars are going under.

[57] I know.

[58] Who knows how many restaurants are going under?

[59] New York City, I think it's something like four or three.

[60] thousand businesses are done.

[61] That is so crazy.

[62] I think that was the number and I read that a month and a half ago.

[63] It's got to be more by now.

[64] 4 ,000.

[65] I mean, it's, I haven't been there since before COVID, even though I have an apartment there.

[66] And I just hear it's it's just, I don't want to be there.

[67] Yeah, I have a good buddy money who lives there still.

[68] He's been there the whole time and he says it's a fucking war zone.

[69] He said it's terrifying.

[70] He said, first of all, there's so much violence.

[71] There's so much crime.

[72] He has a friend that's a cop as well.

[73] And, you know, he sent me. the sheet of all the things that happened that night and it's just nuts like so many shootings and the shootings are off the charts back to like the 1970s times like when Times Square was a junkie war zone.

[74] They had it figured out for a couple years there.

[75] Yeah.

[76] Well, I don't know what we were talking about James Altercher wrote a piece about New York City's dead and it's not coming back.

[77] It's a sobering read.

[78] It's in the post today or yesterday but it's a fucking sobering read because you read it and like it's not hyperbole everything he's saying makes sense yeah there's no reason for me to go back there i've been considering going back just because you don't want to abandon this city that you like so much and people that are staying there are saying like you own the apartment no thank god who but i signed on for a how long i signed it for a year lease that started march first oh yikes the most expensive apartment i like truly paying three times the rent that ever paid because I was supposed to have a really good year because I was going on a theater tour that you know ended so I'm out I'm out a lot of money every month that I'm trying to find a sub lease we keep like lowering the rent I mean it's just I'm just out a year that was a thing in altruous piece it said that the New York City rental rates have gone down 50 % which is crazy I was looking for an apartment in January and February I just would I wish if I would have waited a month I could have saved so much so yeah I've got an empty place there my assistant's just living there and it's all my stuff is just sitting there in storage i don't know what to do i don't know where to go at least your assistant's there yeah it's nice someone's there but but it's it's it's um it's must be weird for her too because it's an empty city it's like weird moving around there yeah it is i don't know i don't know what you do all day yeah because that's the thing about living in new york is that you have a shitty a small apartment because you're just out doing stuff all the time now you can't do anything so just in the shitty apart So you're just, I mean, my apartment's pretty nice.

[79] I never got to step foot in it before.

[80] But apparently it's nice.

[81] Same building Attel lives in, I guess.

[82] I have had, you guess?

[83] You never asked him?

[84] Well, well, she just told me, I think I saw Atel the other day.

[85] So I think he's in there.

[86] He was buying cigarettes.

[87] There was a bunch of podcasts that I've done about apocalyptic disasters and downfall of civilizations and like the Mayans and the Egyptians.

[88] and, you know, asteroid impacts.

[89] And we're right on course?

[90] But no, but I was always looking at those going, wow, it's fascinating.

[91] That's fascinating.

[92] But I never thought in my life that I would see something relatively minor in terms of like the amount of destruction it's done, but to human life in terms of, you know, it's worse than a flu, but it's not like the pandemic of 1918 or any of these other horrific disasters that have happened.

[93] But to see such an effect, that it has on our civilization, you go, well, what if there was like an asteroid impact or what if there was a solar flow?

[94] How much worse would it be?

[95] It could get a lot worse.

[96] Yeah, I think it's, I'm so scared.

[97] I've always thought that we were going to live to see the end.

[98] Did you really?

[99] I do think that.

[100] Why?

[101] People always go, why, Nikki, every generation thinks they're going to live to see the end, and it never happens, you know?

[102] And I go, well, someone's going to be around for it.

[103] There will be people here.

[104] when the asteroid hits, when the super volcano erupts, when there's...

[105] The aliens land.

[106] When the aliens land.

[107] Yeah.

[108] Or when they tell us that they've been here a while, when they finally reveal that they've been here.

[109] Is that what you think?

[110] I don't know.

[111] What do you think?

[112] I think so.

[113] They're here.

[114] Yeah.

[115] I think if there was an island that had chimps that were figuring out dynamite, we'd keep a close eye on them.

[116] Yeah.

[117] If there's a bunch of, like, advanced chance...

[118] Like right now we have primates, like lower primates, we have monkeys, we have chimps, we have gorillas, and then we have humans.

[119] There's nothing in between that used to be there, right?

[120] But what if we found an island and it did have like Australia Pythicus and, you know, they had, you know, maybe they had spears or maybe they had some primitive weapons.

[121] And, you know, we were keeping an eye on them and someone had figured out dynamite.

[122] And they would be studying them so closely.

[123] But they wouldn't stop them?

[124] Why do they stop dynamite?

[125] Like, let them watch.

[126] Let's see what happens.

[127] I think they wouldn't.

[128] They're just going to watch us destroy ourselves before they even.

[129] No, I think nuclear weapons is where they stepped in.

[130] And if you pay attention to the timeline of UFOology, when you look at the UFO history of sightings and of like the really big sightings, all of them came post the Manhattan Project.

[131] So I think once we started detonating nukes, they're like, yo, these.

[132] monkeys are lit like what are they doing these fucking crazy assholes they've found a spot in Nevada and they're just detonating bombs all the time to see how they work but why are they just like kind of being seen sometimes slipping up we see them and then sometimes they're not like why what's going on there with sightings why are they messing up I don't think they are messing up they want us to know that I don't think they're terribly concerned about us seeing them but I don't think they visit that often because I don't, look at, like, I was just reading about this scientific research.

[133] It was Forrest Galante had this scientific research where they found this mouse that they thought had been extinct since 1968.

[134] It's this weird sort of kangaroo -like tiny rodent.

[135] It has, like, kangaroo legs, and it bounces around.

[136] And, you know, this is something that people will go and they'll study.

[137] But they didn't find it since 1968.

[138] So how many people are studying it?

[139] Not that many, right?

[140] Right?

[141] So how many alien?

[142] There's a little fucker.

[143] Look at them.

[144] It's so cute.

[145] Adorable.

[146] Look his crazy.

[147] Look his little anteater nose.

[148] I know.

[149] It's a very, and they thought that this.

[150] They thought this guy was gone.

[151] Yeah.

[152] And now he's back.

[153] So it says, imagine a creature the size of a rat related to an elephant with the legs of a kangaroo that's been lost to science since 1968.

[154] That's the Somali Senji, an adorable elephant shrew recently discovered in, boy, say that word.

[155] Djibouti Jibouti Jibouti.

[156] Jibouti.

[157] Researchers from Duke Leemir Center Association, Djibouti, Nature, and the Cal Academy found that the Somali Senji not only still exists, but appears to be doing well, with population numbers appearing to be quite high.

[158] So my point is, like, how many people were looking for that thing?

[159] It's like a small handful of scientists.

[160] Yeah.

[161] How many aliens would come here?

[162] How many?

[163] Oh, yeah, you're right.

[164] Small handful.

[165] Yeah, not that many.

[166] Yeah.

[167] We're that little mouse.

[168] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[169] Yeah, I think so.

[170] I think we're probably more interesting than the mouse because obviously we have the ability to material matter.

[171] Pretty cute.

[172] Pretty cute.

[173] Adorable.

[174] I could have watched that thing.

[175] Yeah.

[176] Scamper about all day.

[177] We are dangerous.

[178] We have the ability to destroy all life on the planet.

[179] Like if Russia shot at us and we shot at them and then China jumped in and said, fuck it, it's over.

[180] And everybody just started pressing the nuke buttons.

[181] This whole planet would be wiped out of life.

[182] that we'd be relegated to bacteria.

[183] Right.

[184] With it quickly.

[185] What does it matter to them if we destroy ourselves?

[186] They need us for something.

[187] This is the question.

[188] Why are we so different from all the other animals on the planet?

[189] Why?

[190] If you talk to evolutionary biologists, there's a clear path between lower hominids and human beings.

[191] But it's not a path that you could detail every single step of the way.

[192] And there's some giant holes.

[193] And one of the big holes is the size of the human brain.

[194] The human brain doubled over a period of two million years, which is apparently, if you talk to biologists, the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record.

[195] They have no idea why.

[196] Because not only is it a crazy thing that an organ doubles in size over a period of two million years, but it's the very organ that came up with the idea of evolution in the first place.

[197] It's the organ that thinks.

[198] It's the organ that recognizes consciousness.

[199] It's the organ that recognizes creativity and allows people to invent.

[200] things and innovation and all of the different things that are responsible for all the crazy the crazy technology that separates human beings from all the other animals all comes from this one thing, the human mind, and this human brain is the one organ that baffle scientists.

[201] They have no idea what happened.

[202] There's all these theories about, well, maybe it was psychedelic drugs, like that was Terence McKenna's theory, that it was the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms, and then It's other people's theory that it was what we figured out fire.

[203] We started cooking our foods.

[204] We had more access to nutrients.

[205] And then hunting made people more clever.

[206] And so the more clever ones survived and the ones that had the larger brain size, that mutation was favored and natural selection favored larger brains.

[207] And then we started another theory is that we're manipulated.

[208] Another theory is that these aliens came here eons ago and they found.

[209] these primitive primates and they started genetically manipulating them and they created human beings now what makes it interesting to me is that human beings are so different everywhere so different we're we're like dogs in that all dogs can fuck each other and make baby dogs right and all people can fuck each other and make baby people but we look so different like she Keel O 'Neill can have sex with a 4 -foot -10 Chinese lady and make a baby.

[210] If you looked at animals, a Great Dane can have sex with a chihuahua if it's possible or a bulldog and make this.

[211] Like if you looked at a wolf and you looked at a poodle, you'd go, there's no way that's the same thing.

[212] Right.

[213] But it is the same thing.

[214] It is the same thing.

[215] So why are we different the dogs?

[216] But why is it the same thing?

[217] It's the same thing because we manipulated them.

[218] Oh, yeah.

[219] That's the only reason why there are German shepherds.

[220] We forced them to fuck each other.

[221] Yeah, we made them that way.

[222] We made them through manipulation.

[223] We slowly but surely turned them, and we don't even know how.

[224] So someone breeded us.

[225] Someone very possibly could have done something to human beings, which changed us from these lower hominids and turned us into a bunch of different versions of what we call human beings.

[226] Right.

[227] I mean, that's my more like that theory.

[228] No, that's not...

[229] But it's an odd thing.

[230] Like, do you know that most hybrids, like even bass?

[231] Like, there's bass where, like, a largemouth bass will breed with a small mouth bass and they'll make this hybrid.

[232] But the hybrids aren't viable.

[233] They don't become a separate species.

[234] That's the thing about, like, donkeys.

[235] Like a donkey.

[236] Which one's the...

[237] Is it a mule has sex with a horse, and that creates a donkey?

[238] or is it a horse has sex with a donkey and that creates a mule?

[239] I think it's a mule has sex with a horse and creates a donkey.

[240] But donkeys are sterile.

[241] They're sterile.

[242] Most hybrids are sterile.

[243] Differences are different species than a horse, same family.

[244] Mules, on the other hand, are crossed between a horse and a donkey.

[245] Okay, that's it.

[246] So it's a mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey.

[247] But they're not, they're sterile.

[248] They don't breed.

[249] So why even have a mule?

[250] Why do we need it?

[251] Because they're better for riding.

[252] Okay.

[253] They were more durable.

[254] Like in the Wild West, they like to cross those two.

[255] And then people would, like a lot of the cowboys from the Wild West, like even some of the Texas Rangers, they rode mules.

[256] Okay.

[257] So the donkey and the horse is with bread.

[258] So they are viable to ride and to be a better transport.

[259] Hold on a second.

[260] How does it Go back to where Which one is it again?

[261] The horse and Okay horse and a donkey makes a mule Yeah so mules are more durable Than horses They require less water They can last longer Mules gets its athletic ability From a horse and its intelligence from a donkey So mules were What a lot of these Wild West guys would prefer actually Okay Mules have smoother muscles than horses Think of a football player's muscle build Compared to that of a ballerinas Both are very strong But a mule has greater physical strength For its size and more endurance A mule gets its athletic ability From its horse and intelligence from a donkey Yeah Well let's just get rid of horses and donkeys Mules sound like they're the best of both Problem is you can only make a mule with a horse and a donkey Oh because mules can't have sex with each other Right but we can't which is weird We can have sex with you yes Well no we can have sex with each other Like you know we can have sex with people that don't look anything like us.

[262] And make something that can have sex, yes.

[263] Like if you looked at certain people, you would assume that they're, like, if you looked at Yao Ming, right, the giant tall dude, and you looked at a small man from Ecuador, you would assume there's no way that's the same species.

[264] If you were from another planet and you had no idea what a human is, you'd be like, oh, this is a different thing.

[265] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[266] But it's not a different thing.

[267] Okay.

[268] It's just a different version of that same thing.

[269] Yes.

[270] But like a Liger, which is across which you.

[271] a tiger and a lion they don't breed they can't breathe they have useless sperm it's what about bulldogs and like all those dogs that have really they can breed they can breathe yeah they get well they're just fucked they just manipulated them and made their nose fucked up and they come out with like asthma I know they can't breathe they're always they're terrible trouble I know I feel so sad for them it's a terrible thing but someone made them that way they selected for that you know and then also you know obviously people their their bodies adapt to like people that are really white.

[272] Well, the reason why they're white is because people originated in Africa made their way to places where there's no sun and so their body developed this sort of like a solar panel for vitamin D. That's why people are so white.

[273] They're white because it's easier.

[274] This is one of the reasons why African Americans have a real issue with vitamin D because if you live in a place like, say, Seattle or New York City where there's not a lot of sun, African Americans, their bodies are designed to protect themselves from the sun, which is why they have so much melanin, but it makes it harder to absorb vitamin D, particularly when you're wearing all these clothes and it's cold out and it's cloudy.

[275] So it's incredibly important for them to supplement with vitamin D when they're in these climates where it's very cloudy.

[276] Now, how do you get your D?

[277] You're going out, you take it and you stay.

[278] I go outside.

[279] Yeah, I go outside too, but I take it.

[280] I take vitamin D every day.

[281] Like a pill?

[282] Yeah, I take 5 ,000.

[283] Yeah, I take a gel cap.

[284] It's 5 ,000 I use.

[285] I take it twice a day.

[286] It's very, vitamin D is very much.

[287] important with COVID.

[288] But isn't the absorption of D dependent on how much iron you have?

[289] Like, I just feel like it just goes through you unless you have all the other stuff.

[290] You do need the other stuff.

[291] Well, you need fat.

[292] Like most of these muscles, most of these vitamins, rather, they're fat soluble.

[293] Some of them are water soluble, but they digest better with food because that's really normally where you're getting them other than D, which is where you get from the sun.

[294] Yeah.

[295] But Dr. Rhonda Patrick, she explained it to me in a really interesting way.

[296] She said, it really is a hormone.

[297] Vitamin D is, we call it a vitamin, and you can take it as a supplement, but it is a hormone.

[298] And it's responsible for so many different things in the body, and particularly for the immune system.

[299] And when you don't have vitamin D in your system, your immune system is very vulnerable.

[300] Yeah.

[301] So they were saying that there's all these studies that correlated with this, they're saying that out of people that were in the ICU for COVID, more than 80 % of them in multiple studies had insufficient levels of vitamin D. and only 4 % had sufficient levels.

[302] Okay.

[303] Which is really crazy.

[304] Well, then there we go.

[305] Yeah, vitamin D, zinc, and vitamin C. They're saying are the three most significant vitamins for dealing with COVID.

[306] Are you scared of getting it, giving it?

[307] Giving it.

[308] Yeah, me too.

[309] I'm scared of giving it to like my wife's mom or a guest.

[310] I feel horrible, you know?

[311] So I'm tested.

[312] So much.

[313] God damn it, I get tested a lot.

[314] Yeah.

[315] Yeah, every week.

[316] You and I both did it.

[317] That was fun.

[318] Yeah.

[319] But, I mean, I've had, this is my fourth test this week.

[320] Whoa.

[321] Yeah.

[322] Because I did the thing at the comedy store.

[323] So I got tested then during the day, and then I got tested again.

[324] You know, I just, I've been tested.

[325] I don't know how many times I've been tested since the whole thing started.

[326] But I'm fortunate that I could have, you know, the concierge MD service.

[327] Right.

[328] It's, uh, what did you do at the comedy store the other night?

[329] I saw people hanging out.

[330] It's for the documentary for Showtime.

[331] Oh, yeah.

[332] Yeah, it was interesting.

[333] Yeah, really fun.

[334] Was it fun to hang out again?

[335] It was fun.

[336] That was the most fun.

[337] I saw pictures and I was like, oh, man. Whitney and Annie Letterman and Bill Burr and Jay Leno was there and Paul Rodriguez, and we were all just laughing.

[338] Even Jay Leno's coming out.

[339] He misses doing.

[340] I heard him say fuck.

[341] Really?

[342] Oh, yeah.

[343] Oh, yeah.

[344] He's trying out jokes on us, too.

[345] Yeah, he was happy to be out.

[346] We were all happy to be out.

[347] Yeah.

[348] Yeah, it looked, I thought it was a TBT, the pictures from that.

[349] I was like, oh, the old day.

[350] What, that's two nights ago?

[351] Yeah.

[352] Two nights ago.

[353] I miss it.

[354] Yeah.

[355] They're going to survive, right?

[356] Who fucking knows.

[357] I don't know how the laugh factor is going to survive.

[358] Right.

[359] The laugh factor is struggling already, and the improv was struggling already.

[360] I mean, these people, they're getting loans, these businesses and stuff, but, I mean, how many fucking businesses need loans?

[361] All of them.

[362] They should have just opened it up and let people kind of.

[363] if they wanted to come.

[364] Let people work if they wanted to work.

[365] Wear a mask.

[366] You know, check everybody.

[367] Check their temperature when they come in the door.

[368] When you go to Texas, if you go to a restaurant, they just check your temperature.

[369] They check your temperature.

[370] You wear a mask when you come in.

[371] They distance all the tables out and they stay open.

[372] And they're not making a lot of money.

[373] They're not making as much money as they used to.

[374] They don't have nearly as many tables open, but they stay open.

[375] You've got to give businesses the option to work.

[376] Give people the option to work.

[377] Give people the option to go out if they want to go out.

[378] This is I idea that they're just going to tell us what's best for us, but they're not telling us what's best for us, because they're not telling us all the shit that we were just talking about with vitamins.

[379] Right.

[380] And there's no talk of that.

[381] There is, no one knows anything.

[382] I'm getting all of this from you right now.

[383] There's nowhere it's all, you can just one place go and get everything you need to know.

[384] And people get pissed to me for repeating these things, but listen, I'm repeating these things because they don't know, people don't hear it.

[385] You're not going to hear it anywhere else.

[386] If you've heard it from me 30 times, I'm sorry.

[387] It just means you like the podcast.

[388] You listen a lot.

[389] But the reality is there's not a lot of other sources where you're getting this information.

[390] So I try to put it out as much as possible.

[391] And I try to direct people to folks like Rhonda Patrick who will tell you exactly what the studies are.

[392] And she sent me something recently.

[393] There's another correlation study between vitamin D and COVID and how vitamin D, the actual mechanisms and how vitamin D protects you.

[394] And it protects your immune system from COVID.

[395] Yeah.

[396] Vitamin D, zinc, C, but you should take all those things and you should drink a fuckload of water.

[397] How many vitamins do you take?

[398] Are you taking just like fistfuls every morning?

[399] Well, what's your regimen?

[400] I take a bunch of different things.

[401] I take, there's a supplement called athletic greens.

[402] I take that.

[403] It's really good.

[404] First of it's really easy because you just pour it into a bottle of water and I shake it up and I just drink it.

[405] Yeah.

[406] And it tastes good.

[407] So that's really easy for me. And that covers basically everything.

[408] But I always supplement with D and I always supplement with large amounts of C. And zinc.

[409] Because those are C, zinc, and D are the ones that are doing.

[410] directly connected to the immune system for COVID.

[411] But C is, like, if you have a cold, like, C is one of the best for keeping everything.

[412] That's why things like emergency and all those things exist.

[413] Like, C is just a great one for your overall immune system and taking care of yourself when you're sick.

[414] But I just think, like, having levels of all those things, like fish oil, that's a giant one.

[415] Yeah.

[416] Inflammation fighting things.

[417] CBD, I take that every day.

[418] I take CBD every day.

[419] Yeah.

[420] We have CBD drinks, these CBD killcliffs.

[421] Do you like CBD?

[422] I need, no, I mean, I like smoking weed, and I feel like I get enough from that.

[423] I'm sure you do.

[424] You get a lot.

[425] I mean, I just quit smoking weed two weeks ago.

[426] Why?

[427] Because I just am trying to figure out my mental health and get a figure out what the hell is wrong.

[428] I mean, that's why I'm sitting here right now is because I was having a very tough time, and I tweeted something kind of crazy that I wanted to just.

[429] shave my head because I really do like I just feel like something something needs to change I need to do something wild I don't know why I'm compelled my hair has been falling out I think just from stress and I'm just like I'm tired of pulling chunks of hair out it's just it's distressing really that you're losing that much hair I mean I well I've just started only like washing my hair once a week so when I do wash it it's like so much comes out because it's been a week of just no strands coming out and you lose 100 hairs a day so once a week I wash my hair and it just feels like I'm just, you know, that I was in a fight or something.

[430] Someone, like, I mean, it's, and I just put it, I put it on the wall and I just, it stresses me out so much.

[431] And so I was like, I'm just going to shave it.

[432] And I'm not going to, but I did just kind of want to put out a tweet that just, sometimes when I'm feeling depressed, I just need to let people know or just kind of synthesize my feelings through that way.

[433] And I don't do it to like make anyone concerned about me, but really, really, you know, really meant a lot to me that you reached out to me. And I was completely taken aback by it that you, you sensed my dilemma.

[434] Well, I know you.

[435] And so there was something when you were saying, also, there's no friend.

[436] Yeah.

[437] And I was like, let me just reach out to Nakey.

[438] It was so nice.

[439] And then it turned into this.

[440] Yeah.

[441] I mean, when I tweeted it, I was just like, don't put this out there.

[442] Hey, when people tweet, like, cries for help.

[443] And then.

[444] What was a funny cry for help, at least?

[445] Thank you.

[446] I try to at least be funny with them.

[447] But it just really irritates me. It's like just reach out to your friends if you need help.

[448] Don't put out a tweet that makes everyone worried about you.

[449] So a couple people reached out to me like, hey, are you okay?

[450] But it was yours that it really touched me because we don't like text regularly.

[451] But that was like it was just such a real, like loving text.

[452] Well, you know, I care about you.

[453] I know.

[454] That really meant a lot to me. And I was going through a really fucking bad time last week.

[455] This time last week, I was not in a good place.

[456] Thankfully, I came out of it, but I keep getting hit by depression, like, in a major way.

[457] I've been trying to reach out to a lot of friends lately over the last two months.

[458] Like, just send a, what's up, man, you good?

[459] It's really nice to you.

[460] Just a nice little, just, hey, how are you?

[461] And a lot of hugs.

[462] There's so many people that haven't been hugging.

[463] No one's touching each other anymore.

[464] It's weird, you know, so.

[465] And no one can see each other smile when they hang out.

[466] They're wearing masks.

[467] I mean, we all feel so disconnected.

[468] I'm living with my parents in St. Louis.

[469] My whole social life was comedy.

[470] I didn't really have friends outside of it.

[471] The only thing that's saving me is this.

[472] Yeah, me too.

[473] Like doing podcasts and Zooming with people and doing different, just FaceTiming, thank God for it.

[474] But it's, I miss the connection.

[475] Where the fuck would we be?

[476] What would we do?

[477] With no cell phones and no FaceTime.

[478] Where the fuck would we be?

[479] With no Skype?

[480] where would we be?

[481] I don't know.

[482] Like that is giant for me, FaceTiming, just being able to like just see people, what's up and see their smile?

[483] Yes.

[484] What's that?

[485] We do it.

[486] And, yeah, and it's weird to just hang out with my nieces and nephews.

[487] And they're like three and one.

[488] And we have to wear a mask around them and they can't even see your smile.

[489] You can't touch them.

[490] That's really bad for kids, too.

[491] That's really weird for kids.

[492] They must be like, why is my aunt not touching me anymore?

[493] I can't hug my, If I even get close to my grandparents, I hear, no, no, no, no. It's like, this is going to be scarring.

[494] But the weird thing about it is, if everybody's just tested, why can't you just hang out?

[495] Like, what are we worried about, like, invisible ghosts that come in and invade people's bodies?

[496] And you're not, if you don't have it, you don't have it.

[497] Yeah.

[498] You know?

[499] But you worry that between the time you got tested and the time you're seeing that person, you might have gone to the gas station and touched a nozzle or someone might.

[500] But you're not getting it that way.

[501] They don't think you get it that way anymore.

[502] From surfaces.

[503] I know.

[504] We've wasted so many Clorox wipes.

[505] Yeah.

[506] They've kind of abandoned that.

[507] Have you noticed?

[508] They don't even talk about hand sanitizer anymore.

[509] Globs, hand sanitizer?

[510] No, no one cares about that anymore.

[511] It's just a mask.

[512] Yeah.

[513] It's just a respiratory issue.

[514] Yeah.

[515] It's just coming out of your mouth and into someone else's mouth.

[516] I'm so annoyed.

[517] I flew here from St. Louis the other day and just sitting at my gate and it's mandatory to wear a mask on the plane now.

[518] People before they get on that plane, they're just sitting there without their mask.

[519] on at the gate, just like...

[520] Really?

[521] Just trying to stir up shit.

[522] Just trying to get away.

[523] Because everyone around you is wearing a mask.

[524] How could you not wear one?

[525] Do you think that's what they're doing?

[526] Yeah.

[527] They want to prove that they're not falling for it and they're better than you and they're...

[528] It's so deliberate and it makes me sick and it's hard because I want to shoot them a dirty look but they can't really see how much I hate them on my face because it's covered by a mask.

[529] So I really try to squit my eyes just like, you, motherfucker.

[530] I was so furious the other day.

[531] Just people with the loose mask down by their nose.

[532] I had a driver the other day that had his nose exposed and I just him like, hey, can you pull it up over your nose?

[533] It's the only way it works.

[534] Like, do I really have to, you haven't seen that meme yet with the guy with his dick at?

[535] Like, how has that not gotten to you that's how you wear a mask?

[536] Yeah.

[537] People just, it's, I don't know.

[538] Everyone, I'm staying in Marina del Rey.

[539] Everyone walking outside is wearing a mask, which I think is a little much just like walking down the sidewalk.

[540] You don't need it when it's sunny out.

[541] What?

[542] Yeah, the disease, the virus, dies instantly and when it's exposed to sunlight.

[543] Okay.

[544] Why don't we know that, Joe?

[545] I don't know.

[546] But Brett Weinstein, who's a biologist, sent me this paper where they showed that it dies instantly or almost instantly.

[547] What's in contact with fake sunlight, like ultraviolet light, and also actual sunlight.

[548] So when you're in sunlight, like if you're outside, like you're, that's why the closing the beach is so fucking stupid.

[549] Like, it's sunny.

[550] Like, you're not at risk.

[551] As long as you're not like in someone's face, you're not going to get it.

[552] And did they see a spike after the protests?

[553] For sure.

[554] That was there was a spike after that.

[555] It has to be.

[556] But that wasn't the sunlight outside?

[557] What?

[558] Do they stop as soon as it turns dark out?

[559] No, that's true.

[560] Of course not.

[561] Oh, right.

[562] They were out of dark.

[563] When people were saying that to me, I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[564] Is everybody's Cinderella?

[565] Oh, my God, I'm going to be hung up a pumpkin.

[566] So if we can just protest and gather outside when it's light out.

[567] But even then, people are screaming, right?

[568] It's different circumstances.

[569] That's just like spewing droplets everywhere.

[570] If you don't have a mask on and you're screaming and other people are screaming, and then there's people yelling at each other.

[571] So they're in each other's faces.

[572] There's like very little chance you're not going to get some spread if you've got what, you know, I don't forget, was it Ben Shapiro's head?

[573] It was like having a music festival in every city for three weeks in a row.

[574] I mean, it really was.

[575] It's like you constantly had protests.

[576] So if you have that many people, it's not a coincidence that it spiked right afterwards, but nobody wants to say it because nobody wants to be insensitive.

[577] Yeah, no one talked about it.

[578] I remember the protests going on and we were all like, oh, we'll see in three weeks.

[579] And then I don't remember hearing about the spike that happened.

[580] It's a fucking for sure spike.

[581] That's when everything got shut down in L .A. Everything got shut down.

[582] The hospital's got fill again.

[583] there's the cases, rose.

[584] Look, you don't, it has to be.

[585] Either it's contagious or it's not, okay?

[586] If it's contagious and you get a bunch of people together, they're going to give it to each other.

[587] Right.

[588] There's no way around it.

[589] It's not saying that it's not a good cause and that it wasn't important to protest.

[590] Yeah, all those things are true.

[591] But understand that that's what happened.

[592] Yeah.

[593] I don't think you should stop people from protesting, but I also don't think you should stop people from working.

[594] I don't think you should stop people from going to the gym.

[595] You should give people the opportunity to do whatever they want to do.

[596] That's what America's supposed to be about.

[597] The problem is the hospitals, the ICU beds and all that stuff.

[598] And respirators.

[599] But they don't even use respirators anymore.

[600] One of the things they're finding with respirators is the vast majority of the people that put on respirators died.

[601] Yeah, because when you're at that point, you're not necessarily.

[602] According to Michael Yo's doctor, he told him, if I put you on a respirator, you're going to die because your body's going to stop working.

[603] Because it doesn't need to anymore.

[604] Right.

[605] Yeah.

[606] And then when you get off the rest of it, you're going to stop fighting.

[607] respirator, it's hard for your body to breathe.

[608] Yeah, so they thought you needed respirators.

[609] Right, that was the big thing.

[610] Right, now they've adjusted that position.

[611] They don't think it's a good idea to put people on respirators anymore unless they're like really bad.

[612] Like they're about to die.

[613] Right.

[614] That's life support.

[615] Yes, exactly.

[616] So now they use more like CPAP machines, which are just, they give you some oxygen.

[617] Sleep apnea.

[618] Yes.

[619] So instead of breathing for you, it just introduces more oxygenity.

[620] system.

[621] Okay.

[622] So that, and you know, there's so many things that we thought in the beginning that aren't.

[623] The mask thing, it's like, I don't care if you're sitting at my gate and you don't believe in masks and you think we're all so crazy and we're all just sheep wearing masks.

[624] Just everyone around you was doing it.

[625] Just do it.

[626] Just do it.

[627] Just to be polite, even if you don't believe.

[628] Because like I was saying, like, walking today outside and seeing people with masks on, I was kind of like, I think this is kind of stupid.

[629] But I felt like, out of respect for them, I'm going to wear a mask.

[630] Even though I don't think I really need to be wearing it, I'm going to do it.

[631] So that's all I ask people to do is just if someone around you, if I go over to someone's house and they want me to take my shoes off, but I don't really believe in doing that.

[632] I'm still going to do it because they do it just to be nice.

[633] Yes, sure.

[634] And I mean, and I just think the peer pressure of, have you, I've, early when this was happening, I was getting invited to like social distance barbecues and things like that.

[635] when they were like just trying it out and going over to these things and be under the understanding that we're all going to stay six feet apart and wear masks and then you get there and people are hugging and people are close and you just kind of feel peer pressured into doing it well people go back to the normal patterns normal patterns is especially when people are drinking yeah the drinking yeah like you know what's fucked up was like the Trump rally when he had that big rally when he had in a stadium when no one was wearing a mask and then Herman Kane died I know and they were like well like Could have been many of the place he was, even though it was like exactly.

[636] Could have been to that one place with 10 ,000 people all in one place.

[637] Yeah.

[638] But, I mean, even I go into these parties being like, I'm going to keep my distance.

[639] I'm only going if it's done right.

[640] And then I get there and you feel so stupid being the only one who has a mask on.

[641] And you feel it's hard to stand up for yourself sometimes.

[642] I'm like, fine, spit in my mouth.

[643] I guess we used to do that.

[644] Well, if there was these tests where you could do it, instantaneously and then you know you could just have them at comedy clubs yes you just have people take a test as they're walking through the door aren't those coming out soon the white house has them really yeah yeah my friend went to the white house and they test them and you have it in within a couple of minutes all right well that'll solve a lot of issues that would be everything if you just had like a giant you know a line where everybody spread out by six feet you test them all in the line you write your name down or you have to register maybe the show is at eight you have to show up at seven and get tested and then you'd be there at eight like it'd be inconvenient but it's way better than having no show and then you could go there and no one could have a mask and you'd have a regular club and have the place packed it's possible I can't believe I took that for granted so much I just always thought you'd be able to do that you could think I thought anything else could happen in my career always have stand it up to fall back on well everybody thought that and everybody like how many people didn't have a podcast how many people didn't have any if i didn't have a podcast i would be first of all i'd be bouncing off the walls i wouldn't know what the fuck to do and then i would be at a point where i was thinking like hey i got to make a living yeah like what do i need to do maybe i need to get a regular job like how many comics are getting jobs a lot of them and you can't get a job in show business because they're not filling anything so just so what would you do teach i would I'd go to...

[645] No. I can't even teach martial arts because gyms are closed.

[646] I'm like, what would I teach?

[647] If you teach, you got to do it over Zoom now to be a teacher.

[648] If you want to get paid to teach over Zoom, good luck.

[649] Nobody wants to pay for that.

[650] Yeah.

[651] Well, I mean, I'm...

[652] Yeah, thank God for podcasting.

[653] Thank God, you know, I'm trying to write a goddamn book.

[654] Have you written a book?

[655] No. Why haven't you written a book?

[656] Well, I got a deal to write a book once, and the editors were so annoying.

[657] I gave them their money back.

[658] Really?

[659] Yeah.

[660] Just like, hey, do you have these pages yet?

[661] Hey, we, like just.

[662] Well, they based on some stuff that I wrote on my blog that was, you know, sometimes funny, just, but weird, just thoughts that I had.

[663] Yeah.

[664] And, but then once I started turning in stuff, they're like, we want to transcribe your stand -up.

[665] Because Jerry Seinfeld did that and, and, and, and, uh, fucking.

[666] Who else did it?

[667] George Carlin.

[668] And I'm like, look, George Carlin did it because he needed money.

[669] He was broke, taxes.

[670] And I don't know why Seinfeld did it.

[671] They probably just paid him.

[672] And he said, okay.

[673] But I'm like, I'm not doing that.

[674] Like, if I'm going to write a book, it's supposed to be consumed in book form.

[675] Standup is supposed to be consumed on stage.

[676] Yeah.

[677] They're different things.

[678] It really helped me, though, reading those stand -up, kind of transcribed stand -up books when I first started stand -up to, like, read jokes and, like, learn the craft of writing a joke.

[679] and the consolidation of words.

[680] Like, I turned to those books where, like, people would just take stand -up and write it down.

[681] But, yeah, beyond that, from a comedian, I think that it's an easy way out.

[682] To repeat, like, when I first started doing stand -up, one of the things that I used to do is I would do other people's bits for my friends.

[683] Like, I'd do a Kinnison bit or a Richard Pryor bit for one of my friends.

[684] And, like, that sort of got me into, like, the rhythm of stand -up.

[685] Yes.

[686] And then I read that Hunter S. Thompson, when he was learning how to write, he would literally, write down the Great Gatsby line for line so he would sit there and re -type the Great Gatsby just so he can get an idea of the rhythm of the prose.

[687] Wow!

[688] Yeah.

[689] Yeah, I've been doing that recently with stand -up.

[690] Like, I've stepped away from watching stand -up, but I've been watching it again just because I need to remember how to do it and why I love it.

[691] And so much I think of who I became as a stand -up started out just like trying to copy.

[692] people and just trying to figure out how do you do this and watching it so much and ending up sounding like a mixture of all the people that I love so much yeah that's always weird right the beginning you're always like a copy of the people you admire yeah I mean I still look at some of the things I do and I'm like oh that you pick that up from Silverman yeah yeah you picked that up from Gaffigan yeah headberg I mean you're just a mixture of everyone that you love and then And eventually you gain some autonomy and you figure out stuff that works for you and who is truly you.

[693] But even my own personality before I did stand -up is all based upon me ripping off the popular girls the way they talked and the way they acted.

[694] Of course.

[695] There was one girl that had like kind of a lazy eye in my high school who like was really hot and like all the guys liked.

[696] And I started like kind of like having, I would just do it.

[697] I would just try to like have like a slightly like it would just happen because I was like trying to get any way for people to like me. There was another girl that talked like a baby and I would just like start talking like this and it's like no people liked her because she was hot not because her voice was like a baby.

[698] So I just I really am if I listen to someone too much I start I start sounding like them and copying them.

[699] It's a real problem.

[700] That's why sometimes I can't watch some of the standups I love.

[701] because I just start sounding like them.

[702] And I can't help it.

[703] I just dated a girl out of kind of a lazy eye and she was really hot.

[704] And I had like a fetish for lazy eyes for a while.

[705] Okay.

[706] Well, there we go.

[707] She had like one slightly lazy eye.

[708] And I just thought it was really hot afterwards.

[709] Because she was a freak.

[710] So like I just associated lazy eyes.

[711] What was she a freak?

[712] Like, she was just really horny.

[713] Oh, yeah.

[714] She was just really sexual.

[715] Like all the time.

[716] Just wanted it all the time or wanted to do weird stuff.

[717] Yeah, wanted to get stuffed.

[718] Yeah, she was just really horny.

[719] That's so.

[720] fun yeah and that was 21 and she was so you were down she was older than me too so it was uh it was interesting how much older a couple years like she's 25 and i was 21 well when you were young what was the oldest you went did you ever i think i dated a girl was 35 when i was like 23 okay one in a couple days would yeah but it's usually like you're just getting used by some chick who wants to get gorilla fucked it's usually some woman who's tired of like dating guys who work in an office or something.

[721] She goes and finds some savage.

[722] See, I have young guys coming after me and I feel like they're using me so that they can just like somehow have a story about like fucking an older woman.

[723] And I don't want to be that like.

[724] That's interesting.

[725] I don't want to be used.

[726] Why wouldn't you think they're attracted to you because you're confident and intelligent?

[727] Because I think it's some weird fetish they have where they like they are, they had a speech therapist that they like got boners for.

[728] And I remind them of her.

[729] Why would you just, I think that you're sexy?

[730] Why wouldn't you just assume that?

[731] I don't know, because I just don't look at myself that way.

[732] I cannot, there are certain times where I do feel really sexy and I can feel that way, but generally when someone's into me, I go what's going on here?

[733] What do you want?

[734] Because it can't be that you want to have sex with me. Even though I know I'm an attractive girl and like I work on being attractive, it's not like I'm, I don't think I'm a dog.

[735] You're suspicious.

[736] Yeah, I'm suspicious And you want to know why?

[737] Because sometimes I'm fucking right And especially since I've gotten a little bit more famous That happens And I And because as I've gotten a little slightly more famous My self -esteem has Risen a bit in terms of just I like myself and I'm like Oh maybe this guy does like me for me And then it happens that they just want An autograph from you Or they want Honestly, someone wrote me that today, a guy that has been interested in me and asking me out a ton, and he just wrote me today, like, hey, I heard you're going to be on Rogan.

[738] If there's any chance you could get an autograph from him, that would be so cool.

[739] Thank you so.

[740] And I just wrote back, no, like just no with nothing else.

[741] And it felt so good.

[742] No, and you don't even bother putting a period.

[743] No, I didn't say, no, I'm sorry, no, I don't feel comfortable doing that.

[744] No, no. But that's happened before.

[745] So you worry that they look at you as being someone who's got a high profile and maybe if they connect themselves to you, it can help their life in some way?

[746] They'll get to fuck other girls in their social circle because they said they fucked a girl that was on celebrity game night playing bad men with Bob Saget.

[747] I mean, that's how I feel is that and I'm not wrong.

[748] Like this does happen.

[749] There was another instance where a guy got a picked, a guy I thought, liked me. I do think he likes me, but he got a picture with me. And I guess we both weren't wearing masks in the picture.

[750] I guess we were too close to each other.

[751] And he couldn't post the picture because he felt like it would be a bad look for me. We're not wearing masks.

[752] But we were like, for me, I was like, we're far enough apart, but do what you want.

[753] And he's, and I go, okay, he's like, so I'm not going to post it.

[754] And I was like, okay, that's totally fine.

[755] And then he's like, but I would really like to see you again.

[756] Like, I really liked hanging out with you.

[757] I'd love to take you out sometime.

[758] And I was like, hey, I just don't think I'm in a point in my life where I want to be dating right now.

[759] and he goes, well, can we just meet up to get a picture?

[760] Oh!

[761] So it happens.

[762] Ew.

[763] It happens a lot.

[764] Can we meet up just to get a picture?

[765] So now...

[766] I just want to let everybody know I know you.

[767] Yeah.

[768] Ooh.

[769] And then what I see is him getting that picture and then going back to, like, show the girls that he really wants to bang their at his age at some party.

[770] And he's like, I got a picture with Nikki Glazer.

[771] And they're like, we don't know who she is.

[772] What is she like?

[773] Ew.

[774] She's like 36.

[775] six and then they all make fun of me and that's like that's the thing I have in my head oh no I watched her special wasn't even funny and like that's I just see them all making fun of me and like how pathetic that I am that I've like fucked a younger kid I shouldn't say the word kid how old is he?

[776] I think he's like 25 which is not that's not that bad for a guy that's standard he's going to love that I'm talking about I really want to change the subject shit ugh isn't that so that's the worst part to talk about these people Then they then, they're so excited.

[777] I'm going to get a text as soon as I'm out of here.

[778] Hey, I didn't know there was some animosity between us.

[779] I swear, I really did want to spend time with you.

[780] I think you're really great.

[781] I wanted to take a picture with you just because I think you're awesome.

[782] I just wanted to document the fact that I know you.

[783] There was this guy on a plane a couple weeks ago.

[784] And I met him at my gate.

[785] And usually when I fly, I'd just like put on my headphones and like sleep mask.

[786] And I just try to stay.

[787] I don't want anyone talking to me. Mouth mask.

[788] sleep mask.

[789] You're gone.

[790] Oh my God.

[791] And face shield.

[792] I've been wearing the shield too.

[793] Oh shit.

[794] Shield.

[795] Don't don't.

[796] Yeah.

[797] I want to make a statement that like I hate all of you not wearing a mask and now I have to doubly protect myself and look what you've made me to do.

[798] I want to send that message.

[799] I love wearing the shield.

[800] At first I felt stupid and now I feel cool.

[801] And if anyone's going to judge me, they can't recognize me. They can't even see me in there.

[802] So it's great.

[803] So usually I'm, but when I fly even pre -COVID, I would just always kind of I just didn't want anyone to talking to me. I've been caught in conversations on planes with people.

[804] And it's brutal.

[805] It's brutal.

[806] And I learned the hard way, but like years and years ago.

[807] Some people just don't stop.

[808] And you can never close your eyes.

[809] You can never relax.

[810] And you do close your eyes and they still talk.

[811] Or you put your sleep mats down there talking.

[812] You have to lift it back up.

[813] And you just have to eventually say, I just don't want to talk.

[814] But this one guy sat next to me at my gate.

[815] And I feel bad because he heard me talk about him on Whitney's podcast.

[816] And he felt really bad that this happened.

[817] but whatever.

[818] But it just, this, I want to just tell you that it happened.

[819] I was sitting at my gate.

[820] I was a hot guy sat down next to me. And I took off my head.

[821] I made like my head accessible.

[822] Like I kept my mask on, but I took out my headphones to be like, if you want to talk to me, definitely could.

[823] And I did, I said there was like some, I don't know, there was a gate announcement that was kind of funny.

[824] And I just like muttered something to myself like making fun of the woman talking, trying to get this guy to like laugh or just spark up a conversation.

[825] And he was just like, hey, I'm a big fan.

[826] And I was like, really?

[827] I was like, oh, my gosh, thanks.

[828] I was like, what do you know me from?

[829] Like, what do you?

[830] He's like, I love your show.

[831] And I'm like, what show?

[832] And he's like, your podcast.

[833] And I was like, oh, this guy knows me because my podcast, it's like, I do it every day.

[834] It's really like, it's like reading my diary.

[835] I don't even like my friends to listen to it.

[836] It's just too much.

[837] So I was like, oh, this guy like accepts me for me and he likes it.

[838] He's like tall, hot.

[839] I can't see half of his face, but I like, he's cute.

[840] He looks good.

[841] What you see looks good.

[842] Yeah.

[843] And I never, ever meet guys, like, out in public.

[844] I've never been someone that, like, has chatted up a guy at my gate or, like, on the plane.

[845] It just never happens to me. And so I'm like, yes, start chatting up.

[846] And it's, like, going really well.

[847] And I'm flying southwest, so there's no, like, boarding order.

[848] And, or, no, there is.

[849] I'm, like, the first to board.

[850] But there's no seat assignment.

[851] So he says to me, save me a seat next to you.

[852] let's continue this conversation on the plane.

[853] So I'm getting on the plane and I'm like, listen, I want to sleep.

[854] I need to sleep and I was going to, but I got to find a husband and this might be the one.

[855] Like I got to put myself out there.

[856] I've been so closed off for so many years.

[857] So I get on that plane and we're chatting.

[858] We're having like a really good time.

[859] He's like funny and nice and interesting, similar interests.

[860] And, you know, he lives on the West Coast, but I'm like, I can move anywhere.

[861] Like, I'm down.

[862] Let's do this.

[863] And it's flirty, but it's not, like, there's nothing over the top.

[864] But I was just like, I kept thinking, I didn't see a ring on his finger.

[865] There's no mention of a girlfriend.

[866] And then finally, I'm like, we need to switch this to like a flirty kind of.

[867] We need to talk about dating or something to get us in that kind of vein of conversation.

[868] And I said something like, so have you been dating during COVID?

[869] And this is two and a half hours into the flight.

[870] And he's like, oh, well, I have a girlfriend who I live with.

[871] and I was just I almost started crying because not because I was like oh I'm this guy I thought I was going to be with him but because I just could have been sleeping that entire time and I wasted this entire I don't want to talk to anyone but there's no other way to know you could have mentioned her five minutes in why if he just thought that you thought that he was a fan and he wanted to talk to you if there was no flirtiness I want to talk to a fan for that lock why?

[872] Maybe just because he's an interesting person and you're bored.

[873] How would he know that you were tired?

[874] No, it wasn't his fault.

[875] It wasn't his fault.

[876] It was my fault to get my hopes up.

[877] But that's too far into a conversation to not talk.

[878] You're talking to a girl who you know is single.

[879] You sound like a guy.

[880] Age appropriate.

[881] You do.

[882] You sound like a guy right now.

[883] Yeah, yeah.

[884] Yeah, it's not fair.

[885] I'm talking to her for fucking two hours.

[886] That's too long.

[887] And then finally she says I have a boyfriend I live with.

[888] What the fuck, I bought you three drinks already.

[889] Yeah, yeah, I'm that guy.

[890] Don't waste my time.

[891] Don't waste my money.

[892] If you have a girl, it's just, I was really ticked off.

[893] But he's a fan, though.

[894] You are a public person.

[895] I didn't realize that was what was going on.

[896] But, Nikki, you have fans.

[897] You sell out all over the country.

[898] You're a real comedian.

[899] It had been many months since I had been on stage.

[900] I've been living with my parents for four months.

[901] I forgot who I was so excited.

[902] I was so sad.

[903] I continued the conversation because then I go, you know what, Nikki, what can't you just get to know someone?

[904] And relationships fail.

[905] He has a girlfriend.

[906] It's not like he's married.

[907] I'm sorry.

[908] His kids are going to grow up.

[909] They're going to get out of the house eventually.

[910] Whatever.

[911] You can wait years.

[912] It's no big deal.

[913] I don't plant that seed.

[914] If a guy's a girlfriend, I don't dig a whole drop a seed.

[915] I'm not going to like outwardly flirt with a guy or like try to break up a relationship.

[916] I mean, I would never do that.

[917] But if a guy as a girlfriend, I'll still, like, have a flirty conversation because most things don't last.

[918] Most things don't last.

[919] Well, everything doesn't last.

[920] Well, yeah, that's true, too.

[921] Everything.

[922] Your life.

[923] But if a guy's married, then I'm like, okay, well, I'm not, I'm going to have no hope here.

[924] A story about a couple that dated when they were in high school, and then they got married.

[925] They married other people, broke up, the whole deal, went through lives, and then got married a guy.

[926] Again, when they were in their late 70s.

[927] That is sweet.

[928] I like that.

[929] It's kind of adorable.

[930] Yeah, it is kind of adorable.

[931] They decide, like, what?

[932] We've been fucking around all this time.

[933] Yeah.

[934] What do we've been doing?

[935] I know.

[936] I feel like, you know, I've been, I've been circling the same guy for a really long time.

[937] How long?

[938] I've only had.

[939] Like a shark?

[940] Yeah.

[941] Or like a cat.

[942] Got like a, like that is extinct mouse.

[943] Scampering about.

[944] People haven't seen me since the 60s.

[945] Like, I just, it's not, yeah, I've only really had one actual relationship, and we have just, we've gotten, we got back together back and forth for like five or six years, broke up and got back together, broke up and got back together.

[946] And then we haven't been together for over like three years now, but we slept together for a while even after that, but we haven't slept together for like a year and some change.

[947] And oddly enough, he just moved back to St. Louis too.

[948] We both met in New York City, but he just, and he's living with his parents, too.

[949] Oh, perfect.

[950] As we're both looking to what we're going to do next.

[951] Yeah, you think it is perfect, but he won't have sex with me. What?

[952] I know.

[953] He won't?

[954] Because I think he, like, is gay?

[955] Cares about me. And, like, doesn't want to upset me because I tend to have sex with someone, and then I get my hopes up a little bit.

[956] I mean, I got my hopes up on a plane with, like, in the conversation with the guy.

[957] I was, like, planning our future together.

[958] What were you thinking?

[959] What was, like, the ultimate goal?

[960] Like you're seeing the babies, you're seeing the whole thing.

[961] No, it's just like he was talking about his family and I was like picturing meeting them.

[962] And he mentioned like moving to San Diego and I was like kind of annoyed because I'm like, we haven't even talked about San Diego yet.

[963] Like I'm not even joking you.

[964] He mentioned some things that I'm like, well, you don't even know that I want to go there.

[965] But I would.

[966] But that's weird that he would just say that.

[967] So yeah, I mean, I really do.

[968] As soon as I start talking to a guy, I start picturing our future.

[969] I picture like walking down the aisle to him.

[970] Yeah, I get ahead of myself.

[971] Well, that's better than the opposite.

[972] Okay, which is.

[973] The opposite is like never thinking you're ever going to be in a relationship.

[974] And every guy you talk to, never imagining that it's ever going to go anywhere.

[975] Yeah, yeah, no. At least I have some hope.

[976] Yeah, you're hopeful.

[977] I do have hope.

[978] Yeah, you're hopeful.

[979] So this guy, this guy cares about you so he won't hook up with you because he doesn't want to get your hopes up.

[980] Yeah, it's really nice.

[981] That's a nice guy.

[982] Every time we hung out together, I'm always like, can we please just have sex?

[983] Like, I haven't had sex in 17 months now.

[984] It's so long, Joe.

[985] He won't just hook you up?

[986] No, well, we, I know.

[987] It's terrible.

[988] I'm, and I'm really, I mean, I could get laid.

[989] It's not a, like, there are guys that would gladly fuck me, but I just don't, I don't feel comfortable having random sex.

[990] I'm not good at it.

[991] I need to really like someone and he just knows how to get it done and we've done it so many times it just feels like it would be so easy but I don't but he's right I probably would think oh my God we're going to be something we're going to get back together and then my heart would get broken again so it might not be worth it but what does he do he's a he works in radio he's on he was a producer behind the scenes producer we met on a show that I had on MTV and then we created a show together on Comedy Central and then and then that show got canceled and then we got canceled and then he uh now he's on the radio in st louis he's like a broadcaster now and um yeah so he's a good guy he is a good guy he is thinking about it that way yeah because most guys if a girl's like can we please have sex like um that's it just sex yeah that's it yeah and i've said that before so many times like that's all i that's all i want i don't want anything more than that's so not true though i you get to learn men have to learn that that's not really true I mean, I've only had a couple times ever in my life, but I was younger and stupid where a girl said, I just want sex.

[992] But then after you give it to them, generally, that's not really the case.

[993] No, it's not.

[994] Because I think women develop, like, intimacy bonds with men in a different way.

[995] Like, we were talking earlier about, not that I think I know, right?

[996] Or it's generalizing, but we're talking about using.

[997] Like, men do not care if you use them.

[998] It means zero.

[999] If a woman is like, I just want to use you for sex, guys are like, okay.

[1000] Yeah.

[1001] Like, it doesn't, it's not, there's no negative connotation.

[1002] Like, if you are walking by a girl and her friends and she used you for sex and she tells her friends, yeah, I fucked that guy just for the sex.

[1003] And the guys there, he's like, he's not going to feel bad.

[1004] But if a girl walks by and a guy's hanging out with his friends, I was like, yeah, I just use her for sex.

[1005] She's going to be like, oh, she's going to feel terrible.

[1006] A guy wouldn't feel.

[1007] bad at all unless he's really weird obviously we're generalizing again sure but most men are not going to have an issue with that I don't know I just got kind of horned up when you said when you when I pictured passing a guy and someone said I just used her for sex that kind of was exciting to me you got excited about that because he doesn't want anything I'm scared of intimacy in a big way so I do like the idea of just being used and like oh someone just doesn't want to get to know me the problem is if you get rocked right and it's fun and you enjoy and you actually have a good time.

[1008] Like, you got to assume, too, if you're having sex with somebody, you don't hate them.

[1009] Yeah.

[1010] You like them as a person.

[1011] I know.

[1012] That's the problem.

[1013] You have to like someone to have sex with them.

[1014] And then you have sex with them.

[1015] You just, then now you like them and you had sex with them.

[1016] And then here's the other problem.

[1017] If you like them more than they like you, then you get upset.

[1018] Like a lot of times people, when they get rejected by someone, they feel pain.

[1019] They feel pain of either be rejected or neglected.

[1020] And then they associate that pain with something negative that the person is done, even if they haven't really done anything negative.

[1021] And then they get angry at that person.

[1022] And you're like, I didn't do anything.

[1023] That's what this guy's avoiding.

[1024] You just used me for sex.

[1025] And you're like, ah.

[1026] Yep.

[1027] No, we had sex.

[1028] It's not even like I would feel like I was getting used, but I would just be so disappointed.

[1029] Like, why don't you want more with me?

[1030] Why wouldn't you want to marry?

[1031] Why don't you want to spend time with me all the time?

[1032] Why don't you want to be my man?

[1033] And that's the problem.

[1034] But what he does do that makes me feel great is like he always says, I want to make it clear.

[1035] I want to fuck you so bad.

[1036] You look, like, he'll tell me all the things that I need to hear that essentially just kind of...

[1037] Get you juiced up?

[1038] Yeah, like, it makes me feel as good as if I got dick down.

[1039] Okay, so he says all the things I want to, but the problem is...

[1040] Yeah, like, you look so good.

[1041] This is what I do to you.

[1042] This is what I want to do.

[1043] I'd like to smash it.

[1044] Yes, and then I leave feeling like, oh, okay, like, still got it.

[1045] That's good, that's good, actually.

[1046] So it is good guy.

[1047] So he is a good guy.

[1048] And it's...

[1049] Not like that asshole on the fucking plane.

[1050] No, that guy was so good.

[1051] good too.

[1052] That poor guy wrote to me. Because we exchanged numbers because like I said, plant that seed.

[1053] His relationship might fall apart.

[1054] Especially now that you've talked about on two different podcasts.

[1055] I know he's going to be so.

[1056] He's going to text me again.

[1057] Bob, is that you?

[1058] I know.

[1059] Okay.

[1060] If his girlfriend is listening, I just want to say he did nothing inappropriate.

[1061] He never flirted me. There was nothing he did that if he were my boyfriend, I'd be like he shouldn't have done that.

[1062] So he behaved like a true gentleman.

[1063] Did not flirt with me. I read into it way too way too much.

[1064] But I mean What are you going to do?

[1065] I don't know what I'm going to do I'm on Raya I'm on Raya is a The celebrity dating app For celebrities right I like a blue check mark And it's not because I like guys that are famous Because they're famous And I want to be famous It has nothing to Maybe it has like a little bit to do with that I'm not going to say It has nothing to do with that Yeah There's something hot about A guy being extremely successful In other people thinking that he's cool Okay yes I'll give you that I think it's because I can know them before I go into the date.

[1066] I can watch their stuff.

[1067] I feel like I've already acquainted with them.

[1068] That's why I like a blue check mark.

[1069] It validate I can get to know you before I go on a date.

[1070] I don't like going into these things blind.

[1071] So that's why I like a blue check.

[1072] But there's no one in St. Louis that's on the goddamn app.

[1073] No one?

[1074] No. Not one person?

[1075] Really, honestly, no. There's no one in St. Louis on them.

[1076] Where are they all?

[1077] New York in L .A.?

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] Or like Stockholm.

[1080] I mean, it's all over the globe.

[1081] It's global.

[1082] And so I'm connecting with some guys on that.

[1083] And when I come to, and then I just always get so busy when I come here.

[1084] I don't want to go on a first date with someone.

[1085] I just want to hang out with my friends.

[1086] I haven't seen it forever.

[1087] I've been into this book lately.

[1088] It's called Irresistible.

[1089] It's about addictions.

[1090] I downloaded it because I saw you recommend it.

[1091] And oh, my God.

[1092] It's heavy, right?

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] I'm really scared.

[1095] One of the things I was thinking about when I was going through it is dating apps like that's kind of the same thing they have to be like how many people are having these random encounters because of dating apps how many people are it's like swiping left which one is good right right right means you like them yeah so do you go to the right you swipe them right so you go right right yeah you swipe from right right yes you go from yeah they're in the middle and then you swipe them right, or you swipe him left.

[1096] And that means you like them.

[1097] Left means, no, you're garbage.

[1098] I never want to see you again.

[1099] And right means, let's do it.

[1100] And sometimes you go too fast on the left.

[1101] Because sometimes you're just like, oh, what does this app think of me?

[1102] What if you fuck up?

[1103] And you go, oh, I should have went right on that guy.

[1104] Oh, you can you go back?

[1105] I feel like Rose on the Titanic and Jack just fell into the abyss.

[1106] Like, I really feel like my husband.

[1107] I'm just like, what did I do?

[1108] Like, because sometimes you go too fast.

[1109] Because sometimes I'm just like, ugh.

[1110] It could have been the one.

[1111] And then you lay in in bed going, what if it was him?

[1112] And you can't go back?

[1113] You can't.

[1114] You can shake the app very gently.

[1115] Shake it?

[1116] Yeah, you just go like, because at first I was going like, bring it back.

[1117] And it wouldn't work?

[1118] Because people told me, just shake it, it'll come back.

[1119] And it wouldn't work.

[1120] But then I realized you have to like do one solid, you have to be like in control of yourself.

[1121] And then it'll come back.

[1122] And then you see him wearing a tank top and you swipe him left again.

[1123] You're like, oh my God, ew, disgusting.

[1124] Tank tops are gross?

[1125] No, I mean, there's always, I just find something about a guy that I can be like, I can't deal with that.

[1126] He'll, like, say his dog is his best friend or, my mom thinks I'm a catch or, you know, some part of his personality is based on a food he loves, just anything kind of deplorable like that.

[1127] Or, like, I love to get lost in a good book or just something, shut up.

[1128] I love, I want to cook for you.

[1129] Whenever a guy writes that, I'm just like, you're, you're.

[1130] poor.

[1131] I mean, like, you take me to a restaurant.

[1132] I don't want to watch you cook.

[1133] Let's just go sit down and I don't want to watch you have to, like, just because you've got, you know, one of those meal kit delivery services.

[1134] I have to sit and watch you chop cilantro and talk about your connection with your nephew that I'm never going to remember because we're never going to see each other again.

[1135] Just take me to a restaurant.

[1136] I don't know.

[1137] These guys are just trying their best.

[1138] I just like it gets so angry at these apps.

[1139] It's so funny, the thing that gets mad, it gets you mad, cooks.

[1140] Yeah, I get mad at guys that cook.

[1141] I eventually cook for me, but, like, just shut up.

[1142] I don't care.

[1143] I don't really don't have.

[1144] And I don't cook.

[1145] It's not like I'm going to take care of that.

[1146] So I guess I would like a guy who cooks, but I'd rather like more like a guy who just, like, I don't know what I want.

[1147] This isn't fair to anyone.

[1148] I don't know what I want.

[1149] I want a guy who I already know.

[1150] Oh, my God.

[1151] And I can hang around with and then develop a crush on and then I decide when we're going to take it to the next level.

[1152] You just want to be the boss.

[1153] Kind of.

[1154] I want to be the one to be like, okay, now we can, even though I tend to like it when guys make the first move and kind of are a little bit aggressive.

[1155] So you don't know what the fuck you want.

[1156] I don't know what the fuck I want.

[1157] I got a guy who text me. So am I. I just can't.

[1158] Nothing can come out.

[1159] I'm crying.

[1160] It's not disrespectful laughter.

[1161] No, it's, it's, I know, it's sad.

[1162] I got a guy right now who, um, he's like a, he's a, I would say, we're talking to an A -lister here.

[1163] Yeah.

[1164] One of my first.

[1165] Not my first, but he's definitely, he's definitely up there.

[1166] I've known about him for years, been a fan.

[1167] And we connected and, um, he just wants to sext with me and like have FaceTime sex.

[1168] and stuff like that like that's what he wants to do without physical sex well he lives in los angeles and i live in st louis oh whenever i'm available or in his area he doesn't seem to want to meet up so oh it's just always he checks on him in on me every couple weeks and it's just like have you been intimate with this person no oh you met him one time in person and then it went right to texting that's but wait that's weird someone who that's weird i know i don't like it either I'm like, can we hang out in person, and then maybe I can virtually jerk you off or whatever you want me to do, walk you through, whatever it is you're doing to yourself.

[1169] But I just made the mistake of getting him off one time when he was texting.

[1170] Like, he always texted me at like 3 a .m. And it's just like, how are you feeling?

[1171] Like, just checking in on my well -being in the middle of the night.

[1172] And it's nice.

[1173] It's nice.

[1174] I really do think he, like, cares about me, but, like, there's some kind of weird, and we both have intimacy issues.

[1175] We've declared that to each other.

[1176] So something's going on there.

[1177] And we can't even see each other.

[1178] I mean, I lived in St. Louis with my parents, and he's in here.

[1179] But you're here right now.

[1180] I know.

[1181] I didn't let him know I was here, but I just had, I didn't tell him.

[1182] He's going to find out.

[1183] He has to.

[1184] When you talk about him on this podcast of millions of people hear about it.

[1185] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He'll know.

[1186] He'll know.

[1187] Good.

[1188] You're listening.

[1189] Aren't you friends with Nikki?

[1190] Yeah.

[1191] She's on the podcast talking about...

[1192] No, no, no, I don't think he tells anyone.

[1193] I doubt he's told anyone that we're friends or texting.

[1194] I bet he tells one guy.

[1195] Maybe one guy.

[1196] Yeah, well, let him know.

[1197] Let your friend know that I'm talking about him.

[1198] But he...

[1199] Tell you a friend.

[1200] I do.

[1201] I like he's...

[1202] Well, we did this one thing the other night because he texts me and then he wants to like have sex and I'm just...

[1203] It takes me a little bit of time to get like really horny for someone.

[1204] She should definitely hang out.

[1205] bump into it.

[1206] Oh.

[1207] I would just like to maybe just talk on the phone, get to know each other.

[1208] How about go out?

[1209] Like a regular person.

[1210] Right.

[1211] I would like that too.

[1212] Go on a date.

[1213] One time I, when pre -COVID, he was in New York and I was like, let's meet up.

[1214] And he was like, are you flirting with me?

[1215] And I was like.

[1216] Oh, this has been going on a while.

[1217] I guess.

[1218] So COVID's five, six months, right?

[1219] Jesus.

[1220] It's just off and on.

[1221] It's every couple months this guy like remembers that I exist.

[1222] It's really, he doesn't like me. There's no future here.

[1223] He watched my special, and he was like, I think before my special, he didn't think much of anything.

[1224] And then he watched my special and I talked so much about sex.

[1225] He, like, thinks that I'm super, super sexual.

[1226] Even though I haven't had sex in, like, so long, I don't even know what I would do anymore.

[1227] Well, I think you're sexual, but also sensitive.

[1228] That's what's going on.

[1229] It's not that you're not sexual.

[1230] You're sensitive.

[1231] You don't want to get hurt.

[1232] And you're also smart, and you're, you know, you've lived on this planet long enough to know what fucks you up and what doesn't.

[1233] So you're careful.

[1234] It's not that you're not sexual.

[1235] Okay, I like that.

[1236] You're pretty sexual.

[1237] Really?

[1238] Yeah, I would say you're very sexual.

[1239] Oh, good.

[1240] I haven't felt that way.

[1241] I haven't hooked up in so long.

[1242] Yeah, but you obviously talk about it a lot.

[1243] Yeah, but you're not around someone.

[1244] Yes.

[1245] Oh, yeah.

[1246] If I was around someone, like, uncomfortable with that.

[1247] If I had someone to have sex with, I'd be like your old lazy -eyed lady from back in the day.

[1248] I would be getting Yeah I can get addicted to sex pretty quick When I'm in a relationship And like having it It's just an easy way to tap out And forget your feelings So I was also part of the book About Irresistible It even talks about sex addictions And gambling addictions Really get into that book Because I got distracted by my phone again Within three sets I mean I'm reading it on my phone As I'm addicted to my phone Yeah So that was a part of it I mean, that's what ever, I feel like so many guys are sex addicts, a lot that I deal with and, like, have relationships with or like communicating with.

[1249] I'm just like, oh, this guy's a sex addict.

[1250] And, and a lot of them are famous.

[1251] I think that creates, I mean, you can have sex with anyone you want when you're famous.

[1252] Yeah, that's part of the problem.

[1253] Hot chicks, really hot chicks.

[1254] They throw themselves at you and you become a woman.

[1255] And they're like the woman.

[1256] You're the one who's being pursued.

[1257] Oh, right.

[1258] Yes.

[1259] And so that's the problem with famous guys is they're constantly, they're too busy with like really, really hot chicks constantly being thrown at them.

[1260] They don't really need to have a relationship where the, I mean, that's the appeal of having a relationship for a lot of guys.

[1261] I think it's just having a regular person to have sex with.

[1262] That's definitely one of it.

[1263] And then there's also this book is talking about porn addicts and gambling addicts.

[1264] And then it's really all the same thing.

[1265] it's like your body and your brain gets fixated on particular activities and those particular activities occupy your mind so much and that it becomes a detriment to your life and it's with video games it's with sex it's with porn it's with gambling it's with drugs and that they used to think that they're different things they used to think there's and obviously drugs have like physical consequences like heroin and you know and alcohol like alcohol is one of the worst to get off of because when you get off of alcoholic.

[1266] People who are like legitimate alcoholics, they can die if they go cold Amy Winehouse.

[1267] That's how she died.

[1268] No, bulimia.

[1269] I don't know if that's true.

[1270] No one talks about it.

[1271] Well, let's Google that.

[1272] Look it up because her documentary, she was puking her brains out at the end and that can cause cardiac arrest like that.

[1273] And so I think, I mean, it could have been a mixture of both, but I do think her bulimia had a huge.

[1274] I listen to fucking her shit so often.

[1275] She's a, on my regular playlist.

[1276] She's in so much pain.

[1277] You can hear it in her voice.

[1278] But it was such a beautiful voice.

[1279] It's an interesting voice.

[1280] Even when she's singing about going to rehab, you know.

[1281] Hey, and when I was killed by bulimia, not drugs, says her brother.

[1282] Drink and drugs took their toll, but eating disorder fatally weakened Amy.

[1283] Yeah, dude.

[1284] Says, Al, how does he?

[1285] Some serious shit.

[1286] But what is the, what is the coroner's result, though?

[1287] Do they say?

[1288] But the thing is the brother.

[1289] would know.

[1290] I just think that that gets swept under the table so much eating disorders when really that is, and you know, COVID is killing a lot of people with eating disorders too, people that on the other side of that, food addicts who can't stop eating and obesity makes you so much more susceptible to COVID.

[1291] I mean, yeah, I think I only know that because I've, you know, dabbled in all of those things before and it's terrible.

[1292] Yeah, I'm a definite addict and I got to watch it.

[1293] But the sex addict thing, I mean, I just think that that's one that's unchecked for so many people and so acceptable.

[1294] And porn addiction.

[1295] I mean, I can't get off without watching porn.

[1296] You can't get off at all without watching porn?

[1297] Not even close.

[1298] I wouldn't even try if my internet was down.

[1299] We had a power outage the other day at my house and it was just like, okay, well, that's, I would be screwed without, I couldn't do it.

[1300] I mean, I would figure out a way.

[1301] I think I would manage, but if my toys aren't working and aren't plugged in, and if I don't have porn, I'm just not getting off.

[1302] I've never been someone who can do it manually and with my imagination.

[1303] It's really a problem because the porn I watch is, like, not good.

[1304] What kind?

[1305] Joe.

[1306] Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

[1307] Nicky, Nicky.

[1308] Dude, it's bad.

[1309] Like, what kind?

[1310] Like, step -mom stuff?

[1311] No. Oh, that's tame.

[1312] Are you kidding me?

[1313] Gang rape?

[1314] yeah really I mean I got a threat on like a DM from just some fucking troll a while back that was like if I put out a hit on the dark web for you to be gang raped and asked paid the guys a hundred thousand dollars to do it I could make that happen and you know someone would accept that and I was like jokes on you that that's my fantasy I mean I don't really mean that please do not do that but I was also like no that's I I'm not joking, like, that tends to be the stuff that I watch is, like, really aggressive gangbangs and, like, women tied up.

[1315] I pay for my porn because I feel so bad what's happening to the women in it.

[1316] I hope that they are being compensated for it.

[1317] So I pay, like, 30 bucks a month for kink .com.

[1318] I'm watching really fucked up stuff.

[1319] And I've always been to, been into, like, being tied up.

[1320] And, like, I'm someone who doesn't feel like I deserve pleasure without, like, having pain.

[1321] Like, I don't ever celebrate anything.

[1322] I can only celebrate or, like, relax if I put in so much work that I'm just, like, dead.

[1323] So I can, it's really hard for me to, like, enjoy myself in life.

[1324] I always have to have, I have to punish myself first.

[1325] And so orgasms are not something that, like, I feel, I feel, it's hard for me to give myself one and let myself have that much.

[1326] It's, like, it's too much.

[1327] It's like Christmas.

[1328] And you're like, you have to wait a year for Christmas.

[1329] You can't give yourself Christmas every day.

[1330] So I feel, I like to be.

[1331] be tied up and like forced to have Christmas and like I Jesus Christ that's what I that's what I tend to like is like you have to do this and because I'm so I don't like losing control either and the orgasm is like the most you can lose control I just feel like I don't I don't like being that out of control and I don't know what's going to happen I'm scared I'm just going to like shit everywhere or something like I'm totally scared of shitting everywhere I am is no one else scared of that When they come?

[1332] I don't think I've never shit everywhere when I've come.

[1333] Or saying something that you regret or like just do it.

[1334] I don't know.

[1335] Having a Kramer moment.

[1336] I'm just kidding.

[1337] No, just I'm terrified of what might happen.

[1338] That's why I only have sex with people that I like trust so much so that if I shit on them, they wouldn't, I know that that guy wouldn't hate me. Right.

[1339] And like wouldn't tell people.

[1340] And that's why you're willing to let them tie you up.

[1341] You trust them so much.

[1342] Because if they tie me up and I shit, okay?

[1343] Like, hey, you should.

[1344] That's my biggest fear.

[1345] Yeah, it wasn't my fault You tied me up I did no choice Oh my God Or yeah So if you're forced Then you have You have Yeah you Then it's not your fault What you did Or what you said So do you ever watch regular porn Or is it always like No never It's always I start I go to kink dot com I go to anal I go to bondage I go to gangbangs My problem is I do not like the women To be abused I don't But you can't find gangbangs where the woman's being treated nicely.

[1346] You can't find one where they're just like, good job.

[1347] You're taking on so much.

[1348] Like, I've talked about this in my special, but I thought after talking about it, my special and saying, can I please get a respectful gang bang?

[1349] Porn would listen and heed my request and make her bang gang bang when they're just like, they're proud of her for her, you know, tenacity and her strength during this really arduous journey, personal journey.

[1350] And they're never nice to her.

[1351] They're always calling her a dumb bitch.

[1352] They're making her oink like a pig.

[1353] They have a fucking boot on her head.

[1354] They spit in her face.

[1355] And I honestly, Joe, I'm not kidding you.

[1356] I watch porn with half the screen covered up because I don't like what they do to her head, but I like what they're doing to the rest of her.

[1357] Because I just, it's too, they're so mean, you know, choking her, like doing a fish hook.

[1358] I don't like any of that, but I like, I like the idea of gangbangs.

[1359] I like the idea of a girl being, like, kind of used and taken advantage of.

[1360] And I do feel guilty about all of this because I'm a feminine.

[1361] Obviously, I love women and I want us to feel empowered and I'm so sad for these women.

[1362] But that's what gets me off.

[1363] What a conundrum.

[1364] Yeah.

[1365] I don't want to be fisted, Joe.

[1366] But that's all that gets me off is watching women get fisted.

[1367] Interest in having that done to me. Why do you like it?

[1368] Or so I say.

[1369] I don't know.

[1370] This might be the most fun podcast ever.

[1371] Oh, my God, Joe.

[1372] Thank you.

[1373] I don't know what I'm even saying, but yeah, dude, I'm watching, I'm watching, like, it just, it just is a slippery slope, dude.

[1374] It just gets, you know, you go from just, like, slight bondage where a girl's tied up and a guy's maybe, like, doing some stuff to her with a wand and, like, fingering her and choking her a little bit.

[1375] And then it's, it's just, like, seven guys riding pig on a girl's head and making her oink.

[1376] and like and spitting on our did you bookmark those I mean I have I have a file I have an email that I send to myself it's called porn I like and I just keep sending myself anytime I come from a video I send it to myself so I can go back and I can also see my my descendants into depravity through the years I can see where I started and where I'm at and how it happened how long is this email chain been going on for it's been going on since 2017 is when I started So I have a good backlog of, but what I like about this is that usually the girl is, I don't like to see a girl in distress.

[1377] I don't like to, as soon as she, I think that she's not having a good time, I get out of it.

[1378] Because a lot of these girls are having a good time.

[1379] They like to be pushed to the limit.

[1380] One of my favorite porn actresses, and I just want to give her a shout up because she does brilliant work is Kristen Scott.

[1381] And one of her, the best videos, it's called School of Seduction.

[1382] I think that's what it's called or no oh fuck what is it called there's like this academy that these girls go to where they learn to be sluts and they have to like graduate and there's like five days where they go to the school and they're tied up and they're just like fucked by a bunch of people and they're made to like plank and get fucked at the same time as they're planking and it's just like they're they get they just they have to do what you say when someone tells you you have to do something you have to be like oh I guess I have to do it.

[1383] It's not my fault that I'm a whore.

[1384] And they, I just like that.

[1385] That's what I'm into.

[1386] Because I think I have so much guilt associated with wanting to be sexual or wanting to feel sexual that if someone's making me do it, then suddenly it's not my fault.

[1387] So do you think that's why you like bondage and gang banks because it's out of the person's control?

[1388] Yeah.

[1389] Yeah.

[1390] And I was looking into like, because I was feeling guilty about having like, I don't have rape fantasies.

[1391] I don't have that, but a lot of women do.

[1392] So many women do.

[1393] And it's actually called, it's not a rape fantasy.

[1394] because you're not fantasizing about actually being raped because that's not consensual.

[1395] You want consensual, it's called CNC, consensual non -consent.

[1396] That's what it's called.

[1397] And I'm kind of into that.

[1398] It's an interesting phrase, consensual non -consent.

[1399] I know.

[1400] It's kind of murky.

[1401] But saying rape fantasy is just not.

[1402] Right.

[1403] You don't want to be raped by someone you don't want to have sex with.

[1404] You want to be raped by someone you're really attracted to, but you want to give in to it.

[1405] so you want it to happen.

[1406] So it's sort of kind of rape, but not really rape, because you actually want it to happen.

[1407] You want it to mimic, you want it to be like role -playing rape.

[1408] So, but you could stop it at any time because you have a safe word and you have all these things.

[1409] But so it's, it isn't rape.

[1410] So women that go, I have a rape fantasy and think that's, like, quirky about themselves.

[1411] You don't, you really don't.

[1412] You don't want that.

[1413] No one wants that.

[1414] And so, yeah, that's what it's called is consensual non -consent, is what so many women are into.

[1415] And I read about it on Reddit because I'm in the subreddit sex, and it's just a very common thing that women want in bed.

[1416] Women like to be choked.

[1417] They like to be bossed around.

[1418] They like their hair pulled.

[1419] They like, you know.

[1420] But they only like it to be done by people they want it to be done by it.

[1421] Yes, yes.

[1422] I want to make that very clear.

[1423] Yeah.

[1424] Although there are sometimes that I, and there are sometimes that, you know, in some of these porns where the guy is like, I'm not attracted to him.

[1425] and I wouldn't want his dick inside me, but I definitely like when they treat you like a car they're working on, and they just, like, use tools on you, and there's no dicks involved.

[1426] That appeals to me. That's a very popular one.

[1427] Like, if there was a place you could go, like a body shop and just get worked on.

[1428] Yep.

[1429] I would love it.

[1430] If there was a place you could go, where guys would just massage your vagina and use tools on you, and you'd be totally down with that.

[1431] Yeah, as long as there's no cameras and no one would ever talk about that I was there.

[1432] I mean, I'd be talking about it on here the next week, but as long as it was up to me. You could wear a mask and your sleep mask as well.

[1433] You could wear both masks.

[1434] Okay, yeah.

[1435] And you just lay there and have them meet you out.

[1436] No, I don't want them.

[1437] A mouth.

[1438] You don't want the mouth.

[1439] Maybe.

[1440] I don't know.

[1441] Maybe you have to go there a couple of times.

[1442] You get bored with dildos?

[1443] I don't.

[1444] I'm, no, dildos are so good.

[1445] They're like, delos and toys are like amazing.

[1446] I like a wand and I don't I don't even think I could have regular sex without also like a vibrator too.

[1447] Yeah, I want I want penetration and I want something else too.

[1448] Just want I'm just I don't but what's the longest time you've taken without any masturbation or sex?

[1449] Oh, months and months.

[1450] No masturbation months.

[1451] Months without masturbating.

[1452] Like it does not but when I get hooked on it like it's the same way I abstain from pot like right now I've gone 12 days.

[1453] but if I sparked one up right now I'd be doing all the time until I go cold turkey and I just I quit so I can I went a really long time without it during the quarantine and then I haven't hooked up with I haven't had sex since for you know a year and a half at this point and and I've hooked up a couple times in that in that time with guys but I've always stopped it before I've even had like get and even close.

[1454] I just knew I wasn't going to come.

[1455] So I was just like, just let's stop.

[1456] When you were talking about like gangbangs and stuff, your hands, you had like a death grip on your knuckles and you're like bringing your hands back and forth.

[1457] You're going over in your head.

[1458] I'm like, Jesus.

[1459] Oh my God.

[1460] I know.

[1461] I get really intense about it.

[1462] Yeah, you were very intense about it.

[1463] Yeah.

[1464] For sure.

[1465] It's, it's, because I, well, I feel really bad even admitting that that's what I'm into.

[1466] Well, you shouldn't feel bad.

[1467] That's what you're in.

[1468] You're just so, it's just...

[1469] Look, you're not a bad person.

[1470] You're a good person.

[1471] Thanks, Joe.

[1472] You're into weird shit, but that's okay.

[1473] I'm not the only one.

[1474] Oh, there's a website.

[1475] Yeah.

[1476] Kink .com is not supported by Nikki Glazer alone.

[1477] No, they aren't.

[1478] It's like there was a chart.

[1479] It's like, look, it's all -native.

[1480] You know, we thought we had subscribers.

[1481] This one lady's out of her fucking mind.

[1482] There's a whole industry based her on this one broad.

[1483] They kind of make more, too, because I am running out of videos to watch because it's hard for me to go back and watch old ones, So I've been going back and going, because they've been around forever.

[1484] And I went back like, you know, 68 pages.

[1485] And there's stuff from like pre -9 -11.

[1486] I'm like, I can't watch this woman from 2000 take on six guys.

[1487] 20 years later, now she's 80.

[1488] Yeah, because I just picture her now.

[1489] Like, where did her life take her?

[1490] That's the problem, right?

[1491] So if you think about what happened to them that allowed them to be that person in the gangbang with pig written on their face.

[1492] Yeah.

[1493] That's the problem.

[1494] That's the problem.

[1495] And that's why a lot of videos on kink.

[1496] com have a pre -interview and a post -interview.

[1497] So you see the girl go, I'm really looking forward to this gangbang today.

[1498] I've wanted to do this for so long.

[1499] It's been a goal of mine.

[1500] I'm really into this.

[1501] I don't like this.

[1502] You know, you see them consent to all of it and then it happens.

[1503] And then they have the post one where they're like shivering in a towel with like wiping pig off their forehead.

[1504] And they're like, that was fun.

[1505] And you see them.

[1506] And there's always a post interview to, you know, prove they survived.

[1507] rough rough do you get criticized for talking about this stuff like by other women I will after this for sure but no generally not because I think I'm not alone so far with this one you think why do you think you will with this one because you just you got really deep into it um just because you have a bigger audience more people are going to hear it that's why but you're not alone and I think this probably a lot of women that are listening to this right now, they go, yes, same.

[1508] Yeah.

[1509] Same.

[1510] I just tend to, with my addictions, I tend to go from, they get, they get bad quickly.

[1511] So they start off mild?

[1512] Yeah, these are all progressive things.

[1513] Like eventually you'll get there with porn if you watch it long enough.

[1514] It might take someone else thousands of years to get where I got in a shorter amount of time.

[1515] But it all is leading to, I mean, it gets gross.

[1516] That's why these things exist.

[1517] You don't start off liking, like, a woman with a boot on her head.

[1518] Like, that's not something that, like, you go to, you just slide there eventually.

[1519] Well, that's the thing about porn in general.

[1520] If you go back and you watch old porn, old porn was just people on dates.

[1521] It was.

[1522] If you go back and watch, like, porn, you know, like from the 80s, it's basically two people who are hanging out.

[1523] And the ones like, God, I'm just so tense.

[1524] I've got such a headache and the guy's like, hey, let me rub your neck and rubbing the neck and it's like, oh, that feels so good.

[1525] I'm so hot.

[1526] I need to take my shirt off and they take their shirt off and then they start making out and then bouch, bough.

[1527] That would do nothing for me now.

[1528] Yeah.

[1529] But that's what it is.

[1530] It's like it's basically just people having sex, normal people in normal situations.

[1531] And then there's something about where people need to escalate.

[1532] Everything has to to like, okay, I've seen that, now I need to see more.

[1533] And that's what points to the fact that it's an addiction.

[1534] Yeah.

[1535] You know, I've never been into anything other than just sex.

[1536] That's so good.

[1537] Yeah, luckily.

[1538] The only porn that I've ever watched, it's just girls with big asses.

[1539] Oh.

[1540] Just sexy girls.

[1541] Yeah.

[1542] I'd say just sex.

[1543] That's as normal sex.

[1544] Fetishy as you get.

[1545] It's just big asses.

[1546] I've never, never been into any of that.

[1547] No choking.

[1548] Nothing.

[1549] It gets so weird, Joe.

[1550] It is weird.

[1551] There's so much weird stuff out there.

[1552] But I'm not into choking in real life either.

[1553] I've never been into that anyway.

[1554] Yeah, I don't know why guys are into it.

[1555] I don't relate to, I don't know that I'd want a guy to, like, want to do that to me. It's dangerous.

[1556] Yeah, yeah.

[1557] Because if you escalate, so think about the escalation in porn.

[1558] Well, what if a guy is into choking girls and then he gets bored with just regular choking?

[1559] I know.

[1560] It's like, I want to use a rope.

[1561] Like, I promise.

[1562] I'm not going to hurt you.

[1563] I'm just going to use a rope.

[1564] Now, I want to, what if it's just like a wire?

[1565] Yeah.

[1566] Like, I'm not going to, it's just make a little mark on you.

[1567] Okay, what if I blindfold?

[1568] What if I hit you?

[1569] Like, and then things get weird.

[1570] What if I murder?

[1571] Yeah, and then it leads.

[1572] I mean, I was watching that Golden State Killer documentary, and that's what that guy did.

[1573] He started just doing break -ins, and then that wasn't really itching it, the scratch any, or scratching the itch anymore.

[1574] Then he moved on to rapes, and that was doing good for a while, and then slowly he started murdering.

[1575] Like, it didn't just start out murdering.

[1576] you saw his progression it's like it yeah this stuff can get really scary i mean i like being i think being choked is nice because i mean you were talking about it with david blaine yesterday like it feels good to like lose consciousness and like come out of it and be pushed to that brink of like there's something uh the euphoric about it yeah i think there's the with the euphoric thing about getting choked out is like as the brain like rushes back to consciousness it's probably a bunch of hormones and things that are just floating around in there they get fired up and also like there's there's like dopamine and all sorts of spikes that's the other thing they were talking about in this book uh irresistible talking about the dopamine rush that people get from various addictions and they were talking about Parkinson's drugs that this is really interesting because Parkinson medication apparently what it does is it spikes dopamine and it also it has a lot of really weird side effects like people get addicted to gambling they They'd get addicted to give away all their stuff.

[1577] There was a drug called Reequip, and Galaxo Smith -Kline wound up paying this guy somewhere in the equivalent of like $600 ,000 because he was a straight heterosexual man with no problems with gambling, and he had Parkinson's, and he got on this re -equipped drug, and he became a gay sex and gambling addict, and he started having risky gay sex, like really risky.

[1578] He would contact people on Craigslist and meeting alleys and shit, and he was just gambling all his money away.

[1579] But so much so that he won in court.

[1580] Suing them because he can Google the story.

[1581] It's re -equip.

[1582] And the man, I believe he's from Ireland, and he won in court.

[1583] Because he's like, he wasn't a gay man. It was a straight man. Oh, right.

[1584] Right.

[1585] I mean, I never even thought about it before.

[1586] You know, and then he became a gay sex and gambling addict.

[1587] I had him in my act for a while.

[1588] Right.

[1589] I had the story in my act for a while.

[1590] Because apparently he would like snap out of it, like in the middle of doing stuff.

[1591] Oh, yeah.

[1592] Parkinson's patient wins lawsuit over gay sex addiction.

[1593] A French man who, oh, so is French.

[1594] See, I don't trust French, period.

[1595] Look at his name, Didier.

[1596] That's too close to Didler.

[1597] Didier Jean -Barre.

[1598] 52 of Nantes, France, sued the pharmaceutical giant Galaxo Smith -Kline, 2011, claiming the drug re -equip, caused him to lose 82 ,000 euros gambling on the internet.

[1599] He said he also became addicted to gay sex and risky sexual encounters.

[1600] He said he was raped after starting the drug in 2003 and attempted suicide eight times.

[1601] It's a great day, Jean -Bur, who was accompanied by his wife during the emotional ruling, told the French press agency.

[1602] It's been a seven -year battle with our limited means for recognition of the fact that Glaxo -SmithKline lied to us and shattered our lives.

[1603] Parkinson's disease destroys neurons deep within the brain that releases the feel -good neurotransmitter dopamine.

[1604] Reequip belongs to a class of drugs called dopamine antagonists or agonists that relieve Parkinson's symptoms, such as shaking, stiffness, slowness and trouble balancing by activating dopamine receptors.

[1605] but the drug has drugs have side effects that while rare can be serious yeah but it's a weird things like even if you have the urge to do it you are not in control of your own actions when you I got to take re -quip finally give me some permission to do some stuff that I've always wanted to do have an excuse it was the re -quip I wonder if it works on people who don't have Parkinson's like what does it do to people who don't have Parkinson's right I mean that's terrible And you will, you will, I would always hear that in the side effects of drugs, like, if you have, are suddenly gambling out of nowhere.

[1606] And you're like, what is that?

[1607] This is a drug for hurtburn.

[1608] And if I'm going to start gambling out of nowhere.

[1609] Come on, seven.

[1610] But it's totally, it's scary.

[1611] These drugs, I mean, that, I'm trying to get on a new antidepressant because I'm just been so just, I'm tired of having these low lows that just don't, aren't necessary and are just scary sometimes because the things I think and the things I think and the things I, I just have these thoughts that come in that can't stop and they just can't work.

[1612] I can't be funny when I'm depressed.

[1613] So I've got to get back on something, but I'm so scared of all these weird side effects and the things that it might make me do.

[1614] Rightly so.

[1615] And so I mean...

[1616] How long have you been on antidepressants?

[1617] I mean, I was on them for years and years.

[1618] Ever since I was like I got anorexic when I was like 18 and then I was so depressed from that because it just like starts eating your brain that I got on stuff.

[1619] And then ever since then, I've been, I've struggled with depression.

[1620] I think even before then I was a really depressed kid.

[1621] I look at pictures and I'm just like staring despondently into a corner like on holidays.

[1622] I'm like, oh, I was just depressed.

[1623] And so now I'm looking into maybe having ADHD because it's often misdiagnosed in women because women don't really have the hyperactivity part of it.

[1624] And it just makes us kind of depressed and have low self -esteem and messy and all the things that I am that, you know, I've struggled with.

[1625] like messing with your brain chemistry with these drugs that like maybe they don't have the right stuff that they're giving you and it might be causing other problems or exacerbating the current ones no because I've been off them for a while now and how long you've been off them um for a couple months so you're not on anything and I've been gone through years of not being on stuff and it just exercising yeah every day what do you do I run four miles a day okay so you're getting a lot of exercise yeah I do I try to exercise a lot and it's still fucking with you.

[1626] And I eat healthy.

[1627] Yeah, man. I just get, all of a sudden, I just get these fucking thoughts that come in.

[1628] And then I'm depressed for like four days so badly that I just, I'm, I could file for disability as a comedian because I cannot be funny.

[1629] My brain doesn't work.

[1630] You can file for disability.

[1631] I should be able to.

[1632] Yeah, I guess.

[1633] Because I can't do the thing that I, I mean, I feel disabled.

[1634] I feel like that's when I start thinking, okay, I got to find a new job.

[1635] I can't do this.

[1636] I can't be broadcasting every day.

[1637] I have nothing interesting.

[1638] day.

[1639] That's not true at all.

[1640] Everything you said today has been very interesting.

[1641] Thank you.

[1642] Well, I'm not in a bad place today.

[1643] I'm actually out of it.

[1644] I don't know.

[1645] It just comes on every, like four days out of the month.

[1646] Did you wake up?

[1647] You felt like I'm in a good place?

[1648] Oh, today?

[1649] No, I've been in a good place on Saturday.

[1650] I woke up on Saturday and I snapped out of it.

[1651] But, you know, when I sent out that tweet, the tweet that led to me even being here was because I was just suffering for like four or five days with like really bad depression where you know I called Gary Goldman you know what he went through yeah he's been through like serious serious depression I was I had a text drafted in Neil Brennan I wanted to talk to other guys that like have had to have had to go places and Neil actually did ketamine therapy I know yeah he told me it was wild he said he went to a doctor they you know they put you in a chair like a regular doctor's chair and they induce you into a psychedelic state.

[1652] He goes, and I mean, I was tripping balls.

[1653] I go, really?

[1654] He goes, yeah, went to the doctor's office and they give you fucking ketamine and you trip balls.

[1655] And I'm like, did it help you?

[1656] He goes, yeah, he goes, yeah, it helped.

[1657] Ketamine apparently has a big effect on people that are depressed.

[1658] And some people are taking it in like a spray, like a mist.

[1659] I don't know if it's nasal spray.

[1660] Yeah, just like a body splash.

[1661] Fucking Whitney has something like that.

[1662] Oh, yeah.

[1663] I mean, it's just...

[1664] I don't think it's a body spot.

[1665] I think you put it in your mouth.

[1666] You just, like, sprayed in front of you and walk through it, like a perfume.

[1667] It's either in your nose or your mouth.

[1668] Okay.

[1669] It's like a ketamine mist, like a very low dose of ketamine, like a micro dose of ketamine.

[1670] Well, I'm going to talk to him about it, but it's so funny because when I'm in it, I'm so in it.

[1671] And then when I'm out of it, I just forget that it can get that bad.

[1672] And I don't even think about it.

[1673] I forget that it can get so bad.

[1674] And there's no triggers that are making it bad or good.

[1675] You know, right now, like, things are really not, like, like, are very uncertain.

[1676] My career is going great by all, you know, if you were, yeah, by all indications, I should not be depressed.

[1677] Like, I have a loving family.

[1678] I have my health.

[1679] But you say your career is going great, but everyone's career hit a wall.

[1680] Yeah.

[1681] All of us that are comics, we hit a wall.

[1682] And Mark, the only one is touring regularly is Bert.

[1683] I know.

[1684] And he's depressed right now.

[1685] He's fucking told you, told me he just did 19 shows or 15 shows in nine days.

[1686] He goes, I'm fucking exhausted.

[1687] I got to stop.

[1688] And he goes, in his agency, he's trying to.

[1689] to push him to organize a summer tour or a fall tour now.

[1690] I relate to, I think that Bert is a lot like me that if he does stop and stops working, it will be so much worse than it was.

[1691] He'll freak out and, you know, he loves to drink too.

[1692] You know, Bert's got a lot of different things that he's sort of kind of whatever is going on in his head that he's trying to squash.

[1693] He does it with a lot of different things, whether he works a lot or he just, I mean, he tours and when he tours, he tours, he tours.

[1694] Bert will tour in a bus and hit a different place every night.

[1695] And then it used to be that you would invite people to go out and drink with him.

[1696] He has this expectation to fulfill as the party animal.

[1697] And so he is always, I mean, I feel for him always having to be on and be that guy and be shirtless and be down to party.

[1698] Well, he was doing a special and they were handing him shots.

[1699] And he was like, I can't do shots.

[1700] I'm doing my special.

[1701] And they're like, fuck you, train.

[1702] And he's like, you're ruining my special.

[1703] Oh, I'm like, I'm filming a special here.

[1704] This is for fucking Netflix, you idiots.

[1705] Yeah.

[1706] What are you doing?

[1707] He was mad at.

[1708] But if he's, but there's part of me that goes, maybe he should be fucked up.

[1709] If he's done all of the preparation for this, he's been fucked up.

[1710] Why the night you tape your special would you do things differently?

[1711] Yeah.

[1712] I don't do anything differently when I tape specials.

[1713] Do you get depressed?

[1714] No. You never felt that.

[1715] I mean, maybe like very low level depression.

[1716] Yeah.

[1717] That's great.

[1718] Yeah.

[1719] But I work out like a terrorist.

[1720] I know.

[1721] And what is that about?

[1722] I think I'm very primitive.

[1723] I think my brain, like my genetics, I think I come from a long line of savages.

[1724] And I think the only way I feel good, really feel good, is to do very violent things.

[1725] Yeah.

[1726] Yeah.

[1727] Push yourself.

[1728] I need to, I run hills.

[1729] I beat the fuck out of a heavy bag.

[1730] But do you enjoy it in the middle of?

[1731] Love it.

[1732] You're actually loving.

[1733] Fucking love it.

[1734] Pushing yourself.

[1735] Love it.

[1736] But then how much do you love it when you're done?

[1737] I mean, isn't that the best feeling?

[1738] I enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I get to a place where I don't enjoy it.

[1739] Yeah.

[1740] I have to hit that place.

[1741] You have to push yourself there.

[1742] Yeah.

[1743] I don't work out to like where, oh, it feels pretty good.

[1744] Like, there's none of that.

[1745] I want to see you, like, walking a mall someday.

[1746] Like doing a gentle mall, fast -paced walking.

[1747] Well, those people would do those mall jocks?

[1748] suit with tiny little weight hand weights.

[1749] I walk with my dog.

[1750] We do hills.

[1751] You know, I put like a weight vest on.

[1752] Of course you do.

[1753] I have a thing called an Atlas trainer.

[1754] It's a backpack that I put Olympic weights on the back of it.

[1755] Like has a like a you know like you have a plate, a barbell.

[1756] Yeah.

[1757] So like the dumbbell plates go over it and then I screw in this collar.

[1758] And I have like an Olympic plate on my back.

[1759] And so I do a hike with those on with the dog.

[1760] And do you take days off, though?

[1761] Yeah, you have to.

[1762] Yeah, to recover.

[1763] I don't need...

[1764] Is that hard to do?

[1765] No, no. I don't think I'm addicted to exercise.

[1766] No, you seem to have a healthy lifestyle with everything.

[1767] I can get addicted to everything.

[1768] Okay, you can?

[1769] Oh, yeah.

[1770] I had a real problem with video games in the past.

[1771] Real problem, like eight hours a day, like even more.

[1772] How interesting and irresistible is it that people who make those video games don't even let themselves play that?

[1773] Oh, yeah.

[1774] How about that World of Warcraft Story?

[1775] How about the one kid who was a football player who lost his fuck?

[1776] Basically, his life fell apart, fell out of school, everything, just, it can happen.

[1777] So you used to be that way?

[1778] Yeah, we fucking set up a local area network in the back, and we have all these computers back there that we set up, and I had to stop playing them because we would be in here and I would be playing five, six hours a day after podcasts.

[1779] Right.

[1780] And it was like for months.

[1781] And I'm like, stop.

[1782] And I had to get out of here.

[1783] I'd be sweaty.

[1784] My adrenaline would be all fucked up.

[1785] Oh, so recently you've dealt with.

[1786] Was it like a year and a half ago?

[1787] Yeah, about maybe two years ago.

[1788] What about drinking for you?

[1789] What about drugging?

[1790] No, no. Never, never compulsive.

[1791] Yeah.

[1792] Drinking, the problem with drinking is it always has a negative physical effect.

[1793] Yes.

[1794] So I'm not into things that fuck with my body.

[1795] So when I do something negative, then it fucks with my real addiction, which is the exercise addiction.

[1796] So if I have an addiction at all physical, it's an exercise addiction.

[1797] but it's not an addiction like I have to do it if I don't do it I freak out it's like if I don't do it I don't feel good I like to be calm I like to feel good I like to be friendly I like to feel like even I don't feel even if I don't work out if I don't work out for four or five days I just feel like real tense and like short trigger like short fuse what's something that sets you off when like your wife can sense it your kids can sense it if you haven't worked out like Like, what's going to, what's something that?

[1798] I don't let myself get to that.

[1799] Oh, that's good.

[1800] Yeah, I don't let myself get to that.

[1801] But if, how do you stop yourself?

[1802] Meditation?

[1803] Yeah, I definitely do a lot of meditation.

[1804] Meditation, flow tank, sauna.

[1805] I do a lot of breathing exercises in the sauna.

[1806] I do a lot of that.

[1807] But I just know me. I know me. And I don't like me when I don't work out.

[1808] I don't like that guy.

[1809] Yeah, I don't like me if I don't meditate and I don't let myself get away with not doing that.

[1810] I also, since the time I've been a young boy, I've been doing savage things.

[1811] So from, like, my whole life, I've been in martial arts.

[1812] So my body's just like, what are we hitting today?

[1813] Like, come on, what are we choking?

[1814] Come on, we got to go!

[1815] And if I don't do that, my body's like, any day now, we're going to war.

[1816] Like, shit is about to happen.

[1817] It's going down.

[1818] So your body starts getting, and it's like a battery.

[1819] Like, you're storing up all this energy.

[1820] And if you don't release it, it's like it's overflowing.

[1821] It's coming off the top.

[1822] And so I exercise just to maintain homeostasis, to maintain balance, to maintain like just to be, just have clarity.

[1823] Yeah.

[1824] So that's big for me. You're just the best version of yourself if you're pushing yourself.

[1825] 100%.

[1826] I am the best, I'm the nicest person I can be when I want to exercise a lot.

[1827] Now, what if you go through a time where you don't get a lot of exercise in?

[1828] You just can't fit in your schedule.

[1829] What does that mean?

[1830] Fit into my schedule.

[1831] What does that mean?

[1832] You figure out a way.

[1833] wake up earlier that is the schedule like there's no like do what do i forget to eat yeah exactly do i don't forget to sleep i don't forget to sleep so why the fuck would i forget to exercise yeah it's just an excuse i don't think i've ever gone more than a week in my life without exercising yeah i mean doing something i have to unless i've been injured unless i have like a bad injury like a surgery or something like that what about stand -up addiction i think i definitely have a stand -up addiction and I think that I really it really I feel like if I have any depression at all it's this low level lull from not doing stand -up for all these months it's a low and then I realized it when I did I did the improv in Houston yeah and it was like oh my god we're back and I said like I'm I went with Brian Moses and Tony Hinchcliffe and we were like dude let's fucking just keep doing this let's just keep traveling around the country any place it wants to have us and then I started thinking I got really high and I started thinking what if I gave it to somebody what if I got it and I gave it to somebody and I'm like I can't do that that was the thing that I feared what I feared the most is giving it to somebody or giving it to like some a guest that gets really sick I know that's the fair that's why outdoor shows only some people that are getting it it fucks them up for months I know people don't ever recover people still haven't recovered that got it back in March they have still a fatigue they can't get in bed yeah their hair's falling out they're I mean these side effects they they could last who knows forever it's really scary it's a weird fucking disease it's a weird disease it doesn't really make sense because it's not like any other disease like everybody who gets the flu you just like it's real similar it's not like one person gets the flu and it's nothing where another person gets the flu and they can't smell anything for six months like people are they're losing their sense of smell I know they lose their sense of taste like for months like Michael yo got it real bad where he was hospitalized and he is he's still suffering for fatigue from fatigue like two months later he would get tired walking up a flight of stairs so you get like lung scarring and all kinds of weird shit happens yeah okay and you're not scared of getting it no but what about all that shit you're just scared of giving that to someone yeah you just feel like your body's gonna be okay yeah yeah yeah i'll be okay do you get the flow yeah but barely yeah if i do so much though i do like IV vitamin drips all the time, and I'm on all these vitamins and constantly working out.

[1834] I mean, I can get sick, but I don't get sick much.

[1835] And when I get sick, it's like, it goes by pretty quick.

[1836] Yeah, me too.

[1837] But it's, I'm keeping my body healthy.

[1838] I eat elk meat and all this healthy food.

[1839] And it's like your body, if your body's in tune and your body's healthy and your immune system is strong, that's the whole point of having a strong immune system.

[1840] It's supposed to be able to fight things off.

[1841] And I haven't gotten like a real cold in years because I take care of myself and I do a good job.

[1842] But if I was working on a television show and I was not getting good sleep or I was traveling a lot and I was not getting good sleep.

[1843] And that's when it can hit you.

[1844] And that's what it hit Michael Yo.

[1845] Yeah, he was just over working.

[1846] I mean, Michael Yo was, he flew to New York.

[1847] He was doing morning.

[1848] He did no sleep, right?

[1849] Flew to New York.

[1850] Morning radio, television shows.

[1851] two shows a night at Gotham, two shows the next night.

[1852] Same thing, morning, radio, TV shows, hustling, doing everything he can.

[1853] Flies home, no sleep, right?

[1854] Then drives to Vegas with his family, kids in the car, screaming, yelling, and then he hangs out with his wife's family in Vegas, and then flies back the same day.

[1855] So two in front, which is four hours there, four hours back, then auditions the next day and auditions the day after that.

[1856] So he's practicing for auditions, getting ready, stressed out.

[1857] Then it hits them.

[1858] Boom.

[1859] Hit some hard.

[1860] Oh, yeah.

[1861] That, I mean, that used to be the way I lived my life, too.

[1862] Well, he gave it to his mom.

[1863] His mom kicked it in a day.

[1864] Oh, really?

[1865] One day, yeah.

[1866] Because she wasn't sick.

[1867] She wasn't worn out.

[1868] So her immune system did its job.

[1869] What about you in sleep?

[1870] What's your...

[1871] I sleep.

[1872] You're good at it.

[1873] I sleep.

[1874] Yeah.

[1875] You never had to take anything.

[1876] No. What do you do?

[1877] What's your kind of routine to wind down?

[1878] I lay down.

[1879] Do you keep the phone out of your bed and, like...

[1880] Yeah, I don't...

[1881] I mean, occasionally, I'll have the phone by the bed, and I'll look at it right before I go to bed, but I just conk out.

[1882] Are you monitoring your screen time after reading this book?

[1883] Yes.

[1884] Well, I was monitoring my screen time already.

[1885] Can you get sucked into Instagram?

[1886] I mean, what's your app that you just get?

[1887] No, YouTube.

[1888] I like watching videos.

[1889] Yeah.

[1890] It's distracting.

[1891] Yeah.

[1892] I just get bored.

[1893] Is that what you do when you work out?

[1894] What, YouTube?

[1895] Yeah, like when you're like on a treadmill or something, what are you doing?

[1896] Are you just like in the moment trying.

[1897] Maybe I'll watch fights.

[1898] Okay.

[1899] If I'm watching something, I'll watch fights.

[1900] Or I listen to a book.

[1901] and I work out, but most of...

[1902] Oh, yeah, I was wondering, like, picturing you reading a book, like, do you just, like, sit in a chair and, like, flip through a book?

[1903] Like, how does Joe Rogan read a book?

[1904] Most of the reading I do is audiobooks.

[1905] Okay.

[1906] So, most of it is me not reading.

[1907] Yeah.

[1908] Well, that's reading.

[1909] Reading is, like, scientific articles.

[1910] I read, like, things that you can't get in audiobooks.

[1911] Yeah.

[1912] But I do most of the information that I get from books is either driving or in a sauna.

[1913] I like listening in the sauna.

[1914] AirPods on.

[1915] You can use AirPods in the sauna, even in 180 degrees.

[1916] Jesus.

[1917] They don't conk out.

[1918] So I do.

[1919] How long are you in there?

[1920] 30 minutes.

[1921] Okay.

[1922] I used to, but that's another thing.

[1923] It's like I keep escalating that.

[1924] You used to be 20 minutes.

[1925] And now I move to it like, oh, don't be a pussy.

[1926] Make it 25 minutes.

[1927] And then it's like 30.

[1928] And I'm not satisfied with 30.

[1929] So now it has to be 31.

[1930] Yeah.

[1931] So you understand my porn thing.

[1932] Oh, yeah.

[1933] Oh, yeah.

[1934] I just don't have the porn thing that way.

[1935] Right.

[1936] My porn is like, if I watch porn, it's normal.

[1937] It's people that are horny.

[1938] They fuck.

[1939] that's the or yeah or it's like oh we probably shouldn't be doing this you know like that kind of porn right you know like stuff like that but nothing nothing crazy okay yeah but i get it like i get all of it like the video game thing i get more than anything because i've had like real issues with video games that even recently you've struggled with that because you seem to be someone who doesn't have to deal with but it's all because i'm calculated about it that's all it is and as soon as you see it starting to affect your well -being.

[1940] I went cold turkey with the video games.

[1941] You quit.

[1942] You quit.

[1943] And then we played again.

[1944] When we had the guys who make Doom, we had them come in here and we played for a day.

[1945] And even that day, I was like, I got out of here all shaky.

[1946] I was like, I can't do that again.

[1947] I don't do that again?

[1948] Do you feel like you're white knuckling it?

[1949] Do you feel like, God damn it, I'm missing out.

[1950] But you have just amazing discipline.

[1951] Well, the video games are so addictive because they're so immersive.

[1952] And the one we're playing is Quake Champions.

[1953] So you put these headphones on, like if Jamie was playing with me, If he was over here, I could hear him over here.

[1954] I could hear him walking.

[1955] And the graphics are so incredible.

[1956] And it's a three -dimensional game, right?

[1957] So you're running down these hallways and people are shooting rockets at you and you're jumping up off these things and you're running through the water and people are chasing you.

[1958] That's so fun.

[1959] It's exciting.

[1960] That's as good as going on a hike.

[1961] No. Because, first of all, because you could do it all day.

[1962] No D. No vitamin D. No vitamin D. You're doing it all day.

[1963] Right?

[1964] You can play for hours and hours and hours.

[1965] and you get exhausted afterwards and it becomes a compulsion.

[1966] Like you leave here, you're driving.

[1967] You think about, oh, he shouldn't have shot me then.

[1968] I should have got him.

[1969] And that time I fucked up.

[1970] I shouldn't have gone into the lava.

[1971] I shouldn't have gone into the lava.

[1972] You have all these crazy thoughts in your head about the game.

[1973] They're really fun.

[1974] That's the problems.

[1975] is so much, you know, especially, like, the way I'm doing it.

[1976] Yeah, tell us how much that is, because you definitely hit...

[1977] Like an hour and a half a day.

[1978] Yeah, that's it.

[1979] That's it.

[1980] No more than that.

[1981] These people that are at the gym for four hours at a time, I'm sorry, that's an addiction at that point.

[1982] Unless you're training for something.

[1983] How are you doing it?

[1984] Like, you can't hit the bag for four hours.

[1985] Right.

[1986] I guess people are kind of, like, rosy and about.

[1987] I'm doing, like, I do rounds, like, so I'll set the timer for three minutes.

[1988] It's like a timer.

[1989] It's like, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[1990] It goes off, and it lets you know.

[1991] know, every 30 seconds.

[1992] So I have this ringside timer, and it says an interval timer.

[1993] So every 30 seconds, it gives you a bing.

[1994] It gives you a bing.

[1995] Like a curves gym.

[1996] Right.

[1997] So sort of.

[1998] So in 30 seconds, you know you're sprinting for 30 seconds, and then you're doing it at a slower pace for the next 30 seconds.

[1999] And then you're sprinting again, and there's a red light, and then there's a yellow light.

[2000] And it's a red light is when it's time to stop.

[2001] The yellow light is when you're calm and then in blue light is go.

[2002] So it has these three lights.

[2003] Right.

[2004] Go means sprint, yellow means coast, red means stop.

[2005] And so it's like this interval thing.

[2006] You know exactly when you're done.

[2007] So when I'm doing especially like rounds in the bag, you can only do it so much because your body breaks down.

[2008] Because during those, the blue time, it's just chaos.

[2009] It's 30 seconds of just assault.

[2010] Like you can't keep that up.

[2011] Yeah.

[2012] It's just too crazy.

[2013] It's just, wow, blah, blah, blah.

[2014] And then when it's over, and then the next 30 seconds.

[2015] because it's calmer.

[2016] It's like you're just sort of like getting your heart rate down and just going through the techniques and moving.

[2017] And then the blue light comes on again, thing.

[2018] And it's like, ah, so you can't, you can only do it for so long.

[2019] Right.

[2020] Yeah.

[2021] But when it's over, I'm like, ah, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, birds and love.

[2022] And everybody's my friend.

[2023] Yeah, I feel good that way after a hard workout too.

[2024] I mean, you need it.

[2025] You get the endorphin rush, but you also, you beat the demons down.

[2026] That's the thing.

[2027] is all the aggression just goes out of me, like all the pent -up stress.

[2028] And I just think that my body's conditioned to do this.

[2029] It's been doing it for so long that if I don't do it, it just like goes, when is it coming?

[2030] When's it coming?

[2031] Yeah.

[2032] When's the war?

[2033] When's the chaos?

[2034] When's it coming?

[2035] You need to, do you cry ever?

[2036] I cry for happy things most of the time.

[2037] I cry when I'm happy for people.

[2038] Oh, that's good.

[2039] But I cry if I think about, you know, like people that I miss and, you know, stuff like that.

[2040] That's good.

[2041] I definitely cry.

[2042] Yeah.

[2043] Well, I cry a lot for, like, things that make me happy.

[2044] That's, that's, that's...

[2045] Really?

[2046] Yeah.

[2047] That's cute.

[2048] Yeah, I cry for people.

[2049] I cry when I'm happy for people.

[2050] But, yeah, I cry.

[2051] I feel that.

[2052] I know, I'm not scared of emotions.

[2053] Yeah.

[2054] You know, I just...

[2055] That's nice.

[2056] Yeah.

[2057] I'm scared of weakness.

[2058] I don't like weakness, but I don't think crying is weakness.

[2059] I think it's weak to not want to cry.

[2060] Yes.

[2061] It's not...

[2062] It's weak.

[2063] to not want to embrace the full spectrum of life, you know, and life is filled with beautiful things and amazing things, and it's also filled with horrible things.

[2064] Like, they're all there.

[2065] And to deny that, I think, is to deny reality.

[2066] It is, and that is to be delusional.

[2067] I'm afraid of being delusional more than I'm afraid of crying.

[2068] I think it's really important that you just said that you cry and you think it's important.

[2069] Because I think so many people that listen to you do not, so many men don't cry, Joe.

[2070] You know that.

[2071] They do, I think.

[2072] I don't want people to know.

[2073] Well, maybe they don't, but I just don't think they'll allow themselves to.

[2074] And I put myself in that category.

[2075] Like, it's really hard for me to cry.

[2076] Like, I have to, I have to be talking to someone about my, I have to have it kind of mirrored back to me, my emotions so that I have license to cry.

[2077] But it's not something that comes naturally to people, but I think it's important to do.

[2078] Which I cried on the podcast just real recently.

[2079] Really?

[2080] Yeah, there was a guy on Josh Dubin from the, he's a. a lawyer and they were talking about the innocence project he works with the innocence project and they uh got this uh poor man who was uh an immigrant i believe he's from guatemala who was unjustly accused of murder and they they got him out and you know they were just going through the whole story about all the prosecutors are trying to keep him in jail even though he knew he was innocent and they finally got him released and they're talking about this thing and i just start crying yeah this poor guy is thinking about this guy who like makes his way to america try to try to do better for himself and it winds up getting caught up in this this fake murder this accusation and yeah yeah i cried about that i yeah i just i think men need to cry more and and i'm another one of your folders yeah men crying and then i'm seriously turned on by men crying i love it can i really put that out there i the one time my ex -boyfriend cried in front of me. You got hot.

[2081] I was blowing him while he was like still like sniffling, like still his tears were like hitting me on the head.

[2082] I'm not joking you.

[2083] It was, I felt so inappropriate doing it, but I was like, this is so hot that you are opening up and you are emoting and that I don't have to deal with these feelings in another way, which is you being mad at me or you like bottling up your anger.

[2084] I mean, these feelings have to come out somewhere.

[2085] It just was so erotic to me to see a guy, like, so sensitive.

[2086] I think it's very weak of people to be afraid of feelings.

[2087] Yes.

[2088] There's nothing wrong with feelings, but there is something...

[2089] There's something wrong with being a bitch, though.

[2090] Like, there's a difference.

[2091] This is what's important.

[2092] There's something wrong with being weak.

[2093] There's something wrong with, like, shirking your responsibility or not doing the things that you know you're supposed to do because you want to cry and wallow away all your day and feel sorry for yourself.

[2094] Like, I do not support people feeling sorry for themselves because that's a, there's a perspective.

[2095] There's a, particularly with men, there's a perspective.

[2096] You can change your perspective.

[2097] You can, you can just take action and do things.

[2098] There's nothing wrong with feeling sad.

[2099] There's nothing wrong with feeling emotional.

[2100] But there is something wrong with feeling sorry for yourself.

[2101] And there's a lot of men who feel sorry for yourself for no fucking reason.

[2102] Really?

[2103] But I think feeling sorry for yourself is important.

[2104] Why?

[2105] because we that's that allows you to feel those feelings to say you know what I had I had a shitty childhood or I had a shitty mom and I got a I got a fucked up deal I was I that guy from Guatemala that came here like he should feel sorry for himself his life got I don't know if he should feel sorry for himself I definitely think he should feel the pain of what happened to him I mean there's no way he can't and I definitely think that you know he should feel you know he should feel happy that he's been released and that these wonderful people work really hard to get him out.

[2106] And then I also think you should feel some anger that these motherfuckers wanted to keep him in jail when they knew he was innocent.

[2107] I mean, I think there's nothing wrong with all those things.

[2108] But to be, to just be paralyzed by that and not do anything and then use it as an excuse to never live your life, fuck that.

[2109] That's the difference.

[2110] And that is a choice.

[2111] And that is also something that you learn as a man. There's people that can, there's people that you can count on and there's people that are going to fall apart.

[2112] And there's a difference.

[2113] There's moments in your life where you can be dwarfed by that moment or you can rise to the occasion.

[2114] And who you are forever is dependent upon how you react to those moments.

[2115] And you could just decide, I can't.

[2116] Everything is too hard.

[2117] And you just be a bitch.

[2118] Or you can go, yeah, this is hard.

[2119] But I'm going to do it anyway.

[2120] I'm going to get through this.

[2121] And then you learn, oh, I could do it.

[2122] Oh, I could move forward.

[2123] And the people that learn that, they need to tell other people that they learn that.

[2124] And then other people can learn it as well.

[2125] It's a reaction to pain, a reaction to bad feelings, but to take action to be a person who actually recognizes that these feelings are normal, but you still have to keep going.

[2126] You still have to move on with your life.

[2127] That's the difference.

[2128] That makes sense.

[2129] There's too many people that just use whatever happens in the way.

[2130] their life as an excuse for why they're a failure or use it as an excuse for why you know other people do well well i can't because this happened when i was young just right just fucking get up and go just go i think you can do that after you acknowledge like you can let yourself feel sorry for yourself a little bit don't sit in that too long but but if you always because i think i'm just speaking more to myself because i've had to actually seek out therapists who teach me how to feel sorry for myself because so much of me is like, what are you complaining about?

[2131] Look at your life.

[2132] Come on.

[2133] You don't have anything to cry about.

[2134] Don't feel sorry for yourself.

[2135] Don't do that.

[2136] And then I never get to feel sad.

[2137] So how the therapist teach you that?

[2138] They go, my God, that sounds really hard.

[2139] And I go, well, people have it worse.

[2140] It's fine.

[2141] No, let's go back.

[2142] You were scared then.

[2143] You didn't get the support you needed.

[2144] That's really, that's not fair.

[2145] That sucks that that happened to you.

[2146] Will you feel that?

[2147] Will you feel that you needed more support back then when you didn't get it and you were scared and you didn't know any different because you were a little girl they take me back there and they go feel sorry for her feel sad for that girl and I have to go back and kind of let myself feel sorry for myself And is there a relief in doing that?

[2148] Yeah I think it allows me to stop pushing all my feelings down and being like I gotta be brave I can't complain because what are you crying about?

[2149] You have a roof over you had you have parents who love you But once they do that, is there a build -up afterwards, like a build -back -up where they're like, okay, now that you've acknowledged the fact that you're validated or you have valid feelings and that there's a reason why you felt fucked over, is a reason why you felt abandoned.

[2150] Now that you've, like, let's look on positive aspects of Nikki Glazer.

[2151] Let's look at life.

[2152] Let's have some perspective.

[2153] Do they do that?

[2154] We haven't gotten there yet because we haven't covered all the Trump.

[2155] That's the worry.

[2156] My worry is that there's merchants.

[2157] that there's something very valuable in selling pity.

[2158] There's something very valuable in dwelling on these moments of your life that have been bad.

[2159] And I think there's something in what you're saying that is valid before you were dealing with this, where you're saying, look at your life.

[2160] Like, you've got it better than a lot of people.

[2161] What are you complaining about?

[2162] Not that you should look at it that way, but that there are positive and negative ways to look at things.

[2163] The thing about having a bad childhood and having bad childhood experiences is that it makes you a more interesting and resilient person.

[2164] And that is undeniable.

[2165] And that, I think, is something that it's very difficult for people to come to grips with.

[2166] When they look at their childhood and they look at bad aspects of their life, they want to dwell on it.

[2167] I'm like, okay, get that out of your system.

[2168] Then I want you to look at it this way.

[2169] that has given you a depth that most people don't possess.

[2170] Yeah.

[2171] And that's why you're interesting.

[2172] I know.

[2173] Everyone that I know who's interesting has had some fucked up child.

[2174] And as a parent, it's weird because I want to protect my children from adversity.

[2175] But yet, all of my favorite people have come from adversity.

[2176] They're so fucked up.

[2177] It's very complicated.

[2178] That's got to feel because you want to make the best.

[2179] You want your kids to be funny.

[2180] You want them.

[2181] Yeah, that's usually the case.

[2182] It's like whenever I see someone.

[2183] who's just like sometimes you meet someone who's like stunning but they're also funny and you're like what how and then you're like oh you were molested okay now that makes sense exactly you had to go through something fucking awful to develop a personality so you're right I mean I I'm so grateful for those times when I was little and scared and confused and felt abandoned and all of these things and I had great parents who did they couldn't have done better but I was just a sensitive child who needed a little bit more.

[2184] But I don't think it's serving me anymore to just suck it up and say, what are you so sorry about?

[2185] What are you so sad about?

[2186] You shouldn't be so sad.

[2187] Because I really struggle with that.

[2188] That's why I keep asking, are you depressed, Joe?

[2189] Do you know what anyone?

[2190] I need to find people who are depressed.

[2191] My life is so good, though.

[2192] Yeah.

[2193] The problem is if I was depressed, it would be like really disheartening for everybody that has a life that's not as fortunate.

[2194] Right, but I think my deprives.

[2195] Depression is chemical.

[2196] I mean, I think it's just like my brain was, I was born that way.

[2197] There's nothing my parents could have done differently to make me not suffer with depression.

[2198] And that, that I just have to, I have to feel sad, like, oh, that sucks that I have a brain that tells me to kill myself once a quarter.

[2199] And that I have to have those thoughts.

[2200] And I think those thoughts are right.

[2201] And I know that I'm not ever going to act on those thoughts, but that sucks that I even have to have them.

[2202] Is there a correlation, though, between how well you're.

[2203] your life is going, like when your life is going great, and how good you feel?

[2204] No. Oh, man. Oh, it's the best my life has gone is something of the worst times.

[2205] That's where there's a real solid argument for the chemical imbalance, right?

[2206] Because there's some people that I know that have had depression, but they've only had it when their life was in the shitter.

[2207] Like when a girl left them or when they lost a job or things started going.

[2208] Then they got depression.

[2209] And I'm always like, hmm, what is the difference between depression and not doing well so you feel bad yes there's a difference yeah the chemical depression that you're disgusting that's the real shit that's like the real mental like there's a there's like a clog pipe or something yeah it's not going through and it doesn't and i and you look at your life and you look at everything that's going on and you just it doesn't make sense why you feel so sad or why you feel like such a fraud or why you feel like you should kill yourself i mean like right what what is that right i don't know and and and and And the thoughts are so, they're not even like, I sit down and go, I want to feel sad and, like, think of ways to kill myself.

[2210] It's like, I'll just be sitting there and it'll be like, kill yours, like, whisper.

[2211] Like, not, I don't hear voices, but they're just, they're not thoughts I want to have.

[2212] The thought is just like to wallow in it.

[2213] It really, it really, I mean, I really, I compare it to feeling a cold.

[2214] Like, it just, I feel it coming on.

[2215] I'm like, oh, shit, there's a thought and I don't know what to do.

[2216] Do you get these right when you close your laptop after kink .com?

[2217] usually that's what I'm feeling pretty good that's what I'm feeling the best is after I've done that I don't have that depression that people have of like regret I mean I'm disgusted about talking about all these things that I'm into when and honestly I only masturbate once every two weeks so this isn't like an addiction for me it's just but when it comes on it comes on like a freight train yeah when I open my laptop I am going into war at anal graduate three like just women who are going through some kind of master's course.

[2218] Tom Seguer sent me a video the other day.

[2219] I'll show it if you like.

[2220] But I don't remember what I sent him, but he sent me a video with this young lady.

[2221] Probably we're just saying, hey, how are you?

[2222] And she's just punching herself in the vagina.

[2223] What?

[2224] And it's just going.

[2225] Will you please, Joey?

[2226] It's just going in.

[2227] And I'm like, what in the hell?

[2228] I have learned so much about the plasticity of vagina.

[2229] and assholes.

[2230] It's crazy.

[2231] From kink .com.

[2232] It's crazy.

[2233] It doesn't seem like it should be real.

[2234] A lot can go on.

[2235] A lot can fit up there that you just can't even believe.

[2236] There's just something so like, oh my God.

[2237] Whoa!

[2238] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[2239] It looks like she's playing that Price's Right game where you punched through.

[2240] She just keeps going in there.

[2241] Oh, my God.

[2242] She's so angry.

[2243] Her face?

[2244] Oh, my God.

[2245] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[2246] no no no no no I know she keeps doing it for a long time too by the way it's a long video yeah Tom if you ever need like something fucked up to look at holler at Tom okay Tom yeah Tom and Christina he's got his fucking weird shit he's got his finger on the pulse of all that's wrong you see the one of like the balls being shit out of the ass that was so that was kind of weirdly beautiful well very unusual yeah first of all to have balls that will make it all the way to your ass is weird and then not just make it all the way to your ass but go inside like all the tucked inside like he's laying eggs the stuff he puts on and filmed it?

[2247] Yeah and filmed it.

[2248] Had to set up a camera.

[2249] Yeah I mean that guy's practicing.

[2250] That girl that was just violently fisting herself had to like prop up her camera across the room and then go scoot back or somebody else is filming it.

[2251] Oh yeah that's true but the guy with the balls up his ass apparently he lets guys fuck him in the ass.

[2252] with his balls in his ass, and his favorite thing is fucking guys while he has his own balls in his ass.

[2253] Yeah, okay.

[2254] Okay.

[2255] Hey, listen, you can't judge.

[2256] I certainly can't.

[2257] It makes me feel less alone that there are people out there that are into weird stuff than I am.

[2258] There's people into weird shit.

[2259] The weirdest thing about human sexuality is the spectrum of it.

[2260] Like, how much, how weird, like one thing that you would say to another person would turn them on, another person would never call you again.

[2261] Like, you fucking freak.

[2262] Yep.

[2263] They'd run away from you.

[2264] I know.

[2265] And that's why so much of stuff on king .com, I'm just like, get off of her feet.

[2266] I don't need you to be doing that.

[2267] Why are you?

[2268] That hurts her nipples.

[2269] Take those off her nipples.

[2270] Like all the extra stuff.

[2271] I just want very.

[2272] I wish I could just, I need to just produce my own porn, I think.

[2273] Maybe that's your future.

[2274] Possibly.

[2275] I mean, I don't really want to be in it, but I would like to get behind the camera and make the videos that I'm craving.

[2276] Isn't the thing about porn, though, is that like, the girls never really make the money.

[2277] It's always the producer and the reason why people are tuning in is for the girl.

[2278] Yeah.

[2279] But the girl's never the one who's getting rich.

[2280] It's always the people, but I don't know if anybody's getting rich anymore.

[2281] I mean, maybe, I guess they must be.

[2282] They must be making some money.

[2283] Only fans, yeah.

[2284] Yeah, but that goes to the girls, right?

[2285] Right.

[2286] But when I was, when I first bought, not the house I'm living in now, but another house in the past, I had a neighbor who was bawling out of control.

[2287] He always had these like really nice Mercedes -Benz parked in his driveway and Porsches and shit.

[2288] And he always was wearing like big fat watches and shit.

[2289] And he was a porn producer.

[2290] And he was laughing around about, you know, how much money he made from porn.

[2291] But then the internet came along.

[2292] And it was so quick.

[2293] It was so quick where the internet killed his business.

[2294] Because this is, you know, we're talking about, I guess it was like the 90s, the early 2000s he was making all this money and it was DVD sales right and then all of a sudden the internet came along and online porn and bandwidth just kicked up to the point where you could actually stream it and they foreclosed in his house and I'll never forget that I'll never forget like finding out that that guy was losing his house and I was like wow because that guy was always like so flashy like everything was like gold chains and he had a fucking silver tooth and he was doing coke all the time and always had girls over his place he was just making so much money and it was from selling porn but it was not the girls weren't making that money no there's like I mean there's been a few girls I'm sure that have made a lot of money in porn but it's real rare it is rare there's like you know like yeah it's not it's not the girls that I'm seeing on kink .com in fact there's a great documentary on Netflix called Hot Girls Wanted that talks about oh I heard about that I haven't seen it's so it's so upsetting these girls they find these girls they post ads on Craigslist and they find girls that are fresh out of high school that just want to get out of their small town and they're promised to make a thousand bucks a day you know if you do like six shoots maybe and they burn out within like four months and they make they shoot all these videos that are up forever forever and then they get really sick they're they get like they get too much use down there and they have to go to the doctor and they have different abrasions and certain things, and that's how they get, and then they're doing really fetishy type stuff where a girl, there's one girl that is in it that has to do like a brutal session, which King .com has a lot of brutal videos, which I hate that word in porn because that's usually like, do you just see girls that you're like, oh, she could not have left that shoot feeling empowered about herself, no matter what, I mean, it's just so sad what they say and do to these girls.

[2295] And in that, in that movie, there was one girl that was like, yeah, I went to a brutal session today and I had to and she you could just see like the life lost in her eyes and these girls just last they I mean a year is a really long time for them to last and they think it's going to be like this glamorous life I mean they're so young but it that's well when you're 18 years old you're basically a kid yeah you're not really I mean you're an adult only on paper right and in size you know but you're a kid like your mind's not formed yet and your ideas of what what's okay what's not okay they don't they're not balanced and they pay for your plane ticket to go to Miami and live in this house with a bunch of other porn stars and it's like this shitty fucking apartment with the producer who lives with you and you're taking care of this dog I mean it's it's you got that documentary is really incredible and and makes you second guess where where your porn comes from that's why I got to pay for mine but it's also the the way people look at you forever like if you have a sexual relationship with a person and someone does crazy shit to you, that's just what you wanted and you both did it and that's okay.

[2296] Like, you know, people, maybe people will laugh, but they don't have to see it all the time, right?

[2297] The thing about porn with a woman is if a woman does like some crazy gangbangs or something like that, that's always going to be there.

[2298] And some guy is, you know, like, hey, that girl, are you going to marry?

[2299] Check out this link.

[2300] And someone sends you this link and you go, oh, my God.

[2301] And you see, you see her as if she's right there right now.

[2302] doing this.

[2303] I know.

[2304] You don't see her as if a person who made a mistake when she was 18 and did this thing, but now she's 30 and you're a lover.

[2305] No, you still, she's broken and damaged.

[2306] Hopefully you can get over that.

[2307] Hopefully.

[2308] But a lot of people aren't strong enough to do that.

[2309] A lot of people, they won't be able to rationalize or objectively look at this and go, listen, she made some mistakes.

[2310] Some people, you know, some people went to jail for shoplifting.

[2311] And then, you know, they realize you shouldn't steal.

[2312] And then, you know, they get out and then they live a normal life.

[2313] No one goes, oh, yeah, but look, you're a shoplifter forever.

[2314] Right.

[2315] Although, you know, I relate to some of these porn actresses just in the sense that I've said things and done things on stage or like that I'm like, oh, no, that's always going to.

[2316] I mean, like, even today, I mean, someone's going to, my husband someday might watch this.

[2317] Yep.

[2318] And be like, look what you were into and what you were into and what you're.

[2319] you admitted.

[2320] Yeah, but you are a grown woman.

[2321] You're not a child.

[2322] Right.

[2323] And a man who, but a man who's into that, like, who's into you would go, she's just being honest.

[2324] I'm just being honest.

[2325] I think that's what I just try to be.

[2326] That's empowered.

[2327] I mean, it really, it's kind of fucked up to be empowered that way because, you know what I mean?

[2328] Because people are like, wait a minute, you're empowered by watching girls get gangraped and gagged and fucking pissed on and stuff.

[2329] I made that part out.

[2330] Yeah, yeah.

[2331] I don't, sorry, sorry.

[2332] Gang banged.

[2333] Gang, yeah.

[2334] Sorry about that.

[2335] No, no, no. But I'll get there.

[2336] I'll get there.

[2337] Yeah, but you can, but you're a grown woman.

[2338] You can find a man who recognizes and respects you for what weird shit you're into as a grown woman.

[2339] But when you're 18 years old, you're not even a grown up.

[2340] I know.

[2341] You're just not.

[2342] You know, you're a person who's like legally responsible for yourself because you're an adult.

[2343] It's fucking weird.

[2344] It's a weird thing because even just regular porn, just, regular sex.

[2345] It's strange that we all want to have sex, but no one wants to see the person that they have sex with having sex with someone else on film.

[2346] I know.

[2347] Even though you know that they have had sex before.

[2348] You're like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[2349] Can't hear you.

[2350] But no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah.

[2351] It would be interesting to hear, I mean, how boyfriends of people who have done porn.

[2352] I mean, some guy, I think some guys can just handle it and they can be okay.

[2353] Some guys like it.

[2354] I like when I like hearing about if my ex -boyfriend, not porn, but if he made like sex tapes with other girlfriends.

[2355] You'd want to watch them?

[2356] I would, yes, yeah, I love it.

[2357] We've got to put these in a bank vaults.

[2358] We don't lose them.

[2359] I would watch them all the time.

[2360] I would want to hear about them all the time.

[2361] I'm really into that.

[2362] I really love hearing about ex -girlfriends or even, you know, I hate to even say this because it just sounds.

[2363] ridiculous and maybe I'm not into it anymore but when I did the last time I had a boyfriend years and years ago I wanted him to go have sex with other girls and like tell me about it really yeah and and Dr. Drew has told me that there's something wrong with me that that's what I like like that's not a wrong with Dr. Drew how about that yeah maybe yeah he's not perfect he's not no um but I yeah I like that I like to what did he was wrong with you he said that that Nikki, he made me look him in the eyes and tell him I'm enough.

[2364] Nikki.

[2365] You are enough.

[2366] Nikki, look at me. You are enough.

[2367] You are enough.

[2368] I don't want, I don't want my ex - I don't want my boyfriend to bang someone else because I don't think that I can be enough.

[2369] It's because I like...

[2370] You think it's hot.

[2371] I just think it's hot.

[2372] And I don't feel threatened by it.

[2373] I really don't because most of the time if you let your ex, if you let your boyfriend bang someone else, they don't really want to.

[2374] It's like almost like giving them the license takes away the fun of cheating.

[2375] So it's kind of hard to find guys that are into this.

[2376] And I don't always want this.

[2377] Not now.

[2378] Listen to this podcast.

[2379] They're going to come floating into your DMs.

[2380] I've been saying this for years and no one's hit me up.

[2381] But guys actually don't like this.

[2382] Because they want, they want their women to only want them.

[2383] And it's not that I don't want them.

[2384] I want, if I'm I want girl, I'm very turned on by guys who other girls want to fuck.

[2385] I like having a guy being like he's mine and you can't have him if you want, like I get him and I know you want to fuck him but you can't but actually you can and he's going to tell me about it later and you're going to think that you're going to like steal him from me but you're not we're going to talk about you behind your back later on and I want her to have a really good time Dr. Drew is right now just screaming taking his headphones off Mickey you're enough you are enough I know I'm enough but I just there's it's just what did he how did you guys resolve the conversation.

[2386] Well, he was the one that was told me that I need to go see a therapist that, like, helps me feel my feelings.

[2387] I, like, found my therapist because Dr. Drew was, like, you need to go to emotionally focused therapist because you don't feel your feelings, and you need to find someone who, like, really mimics your feelings back to you.

[2388] Mimics.

[2389] Yeah, because I don't really let myself get sad or get mad, and, you know, I just, I kind of just, I'm always running from one thing to the next, because I don't like to, I don't like to feel at all.

[2390] interesting yeah but it's but he just said that yeah my that compulsion to have but it's always been there like whenever i'm with a guy i want to hear about like when was the last time you hooked up what happened where did you do what like i want to know all this things and they think it's a trap they're like oh you're going to get jealous and this is going to lead to like fights later on but i want to like hear about it and talk about it and i don't know it just it really does it for me i it's it's a weird thing And he rejects that.

[2391] Yeah, he thinks that it means that I have low self -esteem, which I'm not denying.

[2392] I do.

[2393] But that's not what it is.

[2394] I don't think that's where, I mean, maybe that's where it comes from, but it does.

[2395] I don't think it is.

[2396] I think it's a sexual kink.

[2397] Yeah, it's not, I'm not a cuck.

[2398] I'm not in the corner like, you're fucking my boyfriend, like, sad about like, oh.

[2399] Could a girl be a cuck?

[2400] Yeah.

[2401] I didn't know a girl could be a cuck.

[2402] I'm sure they could.

[2403] I mean, it makes sense.

[2404] Well, if you're just like, my wife.

[2405] want to stop fucking my boyfriend.

[2406] Like, I can see that.

[2407] But no, I'm like in the corner like, do it.

[2408] And I don't even want to be involved.

[2409] I'm just like, ha, ha, I love it.

[2410] She's getting it.

[2411] And like, and I'm not, I don't know why I'm not jealous.

[2412] First of all, I've been fucked by enough guys who haven't wanted to be with me afterwards.

[2413] So I don't think that my boyfriend's going to fuck someone and be like, I need to marry her.

[2414] If anything, he's going to be like, I need to get away from this shit.

[2415] Like, it'll, it'll make him.

[2416] Not want to fuck her anymore.

[2417] Yeah.

[2418] Yeah.

[2419] Yeah, that usually does it.

[2420] Based on my experience, when you have sex with the guy, he doesn't really want to hang out with you afterwards.

[2421] That is hilarious.

[2422] So the way to keep your man is to let him fuck other girls.

[2423] That way he won't want to be with them anymore.

[2424] Yes.

[2425] And if he does want to be with them, go be with them.

[2426] I don't want to keep you from that.

[2427] But I just, I have a lot of self -esteem in terms of like I'm a cool chick.

[2428] I feel like, yeah, I'm a lot, as you said on the last podcast, and I've never gotten him out of my head.

[2429] No. I am a lot, and that's a good thing.

[2430] That bothered you when I said you were a lot?

[2431] It didn't bother me, but it, I felt seen, Joe Rogan, I felt seen.

[2432] I just felt like I, yeah, I felt like, wow, he, I don't know.

[2433] I just, I, I didn't know what to think of you before we have hung out.

[2434] And we really only hung out on the podcast, which is like a real hang.

[2435] I mean, this is no different than if we were alone together and just hanging out as comics.

[2436] But, yeah, I just felt like, my God, you really, you just showed me a part of myself that I was maybe denying because I just picture myself like, I'm such a cool chick.

[2437] I'm so fun and easy.

[2438] Like, why does anyone like me?

[2439] And then you go, but you're a lot.

[2440] And it was just like, fuck.

[2441] Like, maybe I'm not the total package that I think I am.

[2442] And that's okay.

[2443] I'm a lot.

[2444] A lot is not bad.

[2445] It's not.

[2446] Okay.

[2447] No, it's not.

[2448] When I say you're a lot, it's like, whoa, there's a lot going on there.

[2449] but it's not bad but am i enough are you enough look at me say you're enough nicky you're enough not you make me look at you and say say you're a lot say you're a lot i'm a lot jay you're a lot i'm a lot you know you're a lot i didn't know you're a lot the whole podcast because well now i know i'm a lot yeah oh you didn't know until i said it i have no idea jesus i thought i was kind of easy going and chill but i am totally not and i'm a lot i am chill i'm really fun and i'm Let my boyfriend bang other people, or I would be into discussing that happening.

[2450] But, yeah, I'm a lot, and that's okay.

[2451] It's okay.

[2452] For sure.

[2453] Yeah, you're fun.

[2454] You're hilarious.

[2455] I can be really fun.

[2456] I think that's also, it has to be a part of why you're such a good comic.

[2457] It has to be.

[2458] It has to be.

[2459] Those two things have to be connected.

[2460] Yes.

[2461] Yeah.

[2462] It's all that madness comes out in the creativity and it comes out in your writing and it comes out in your performance.

[2463] Yeah.

[2464] That's part of why it's.

[2465] so good.

[2466] Thanks, man. But you have to know that, right?

[2467] I didn't.

[2468] Anybody who does what we do is crazy.

[2469] Yeah.

[2470] There's no way around it.

[2471] We're all crazy.

[2472] It just, but every my crazy is different than Doug Stanhope's crazy, which is different than you just keep going down the line.

[2473] Everybody's got their own, Ali Wong's got her own crazy.

[2474] Everyone's got their own crazy.

[2475] Yeah.

[2476] Insecurity.

[2477] Yeah.

[2478] Yeah.

[2479] Yeah.

[2480] But for you, when it comes together, it makes great comedy.

[2481] Yeah, I'm intense.

[2482] Yes, and it does.

[2483] I'm really intense.

[2484] You are.

[2485] I am.

[2486] You are.

[2487] And I'm already like going over things I've said here and I'm like, I am never going to find a fucking husband.

[2488] You will.

[2489] Not true.

[2490] I will.

[2491] 100%.

[2492] Thanks, man. Yeah.

[2493] No doubt.

[2494] Yeah.

[2495] This is a guy like now listening to this going, I need to find her.

[2496] Yes, I'm going to get hit up a lot on this thing.

[2497] I knew she was out there.

[2498] Thank you.

[2499] Yeah, I'll be, I'll be, the person I end up with will take me as I am.

[2500] I'm not, I can't.

[2501] I can't change for anyone anymore.

[2502] I've been doing that too much.

[2503] But yeah, will I get the Tonight Show after this interview?

[2504] Blah, that's...

[2505] Good.

[2506] You don't want it.

[2507] Fuck would you want to do with that thing.

[2508] I mean, I would like to host a late -night talk show someday.

[2509] Well, if you did, you should be doing it on the internet.

[2510] No one should ever try to censor you.

[2511] No way.

[2512] What makes you fun and interesting and special is you, all of you, all of you that you showed here.

[2513] not some weird proctor and gamble version of you that's going to sell tampons on some late night bullshit show the fuck out of here with that that would be a waste of you if you had to do the Ellen DeGeneres show it would be a fucking waste of you right if they get rid of Ellen because she's so mean and they bring in Nikki Glazer and you have to pretend you give a fuck about dancing for all these people I like dancing I bet you do but you'd also like to talk about getting gagged and I know but I can they'll never give me that show because I've admitted these things but that is what you should should talk about.

[2514] I know, but I could be more than those things.

[2515] I could just save that for here.

[2516] Uh -uh.

[2517] No, you are all those things.

[2518] You can do other things here as well.

[2519] Right.

[2520] I mean here as in the internet.

[2521] Yes, yes.

[2522] You can do other things that you could talk about everything you want to talk about, not just little segments that you have to save parts of it, the parts that are disturbing for some people.

[2523] Save that for the people to get it.

[2524] For my Patreon.

[2525] I was going to say that.

[2526] I was going to say Patreon but you don't have to do that.

[2527] I'm a late night hose with his Patreon.

[2528] That world is fucked.

[2529] That world of like censored like you don't know who the one of the reasons why the Ellen thing is so fascinating to people.

[2530] People probably know that she's mean.

[2531] They're like like, like you know that's not all she thinks about and talks about when she's doing that show.

[2532] Right.

[2533] Like if we found out that Jimmy Fallon was secretly doing heroin and fucking guys, you'd be like, I knew it.

[2534] I knew you couldn't be that that same guy all the time.

[2535] It's just too, too Disney.

[2536] Why do, why is that the way it is that?

[2537] I don't think they do want it.

[2538] I don't think they do want it.

[2539] Then why aren't advertisers investing in people who are being honest in, in.

[2540] Well, they are.

[2541] Well, now they are.

[2542] On podcasts.

[2543] I have a lot of ads.

[2544] No, I know you do.

[2545] But this is, this is, this is mainstream now.

[2546] Like the world of television, like the censored view of things, it's not viable.

[2547] anymore because it's not real humans so that's why the ratings are terrible the ratings are terrible because it's not compelling because you only scratch the surface of human potential of a human personality of human interest you only just you dabble in this very shallow pool and you're swimming look at us in here swimming stand up stand up it's ankle high you're not swimming you're lying on your stomach in a fucking kitty pool where other people are jumping into the ocean of ideas and that's the difference but don't we risk getting in so much trouble with who i mean yeah some ads look i'm sure what i know for a fact i've said things on this podcast where i've lost sponsors but then more of them come in they take their place yeah like you're not a bad person you're a good person that's what i keep going back to because sometimes i feel like a bad person not about the things i talk about you know you're not no there's nothing about you that's a bad person.

[2548] You're just honest about the way your brain works and everybody's brain works differently.

[2549] We're all weird.

[2550] We're all weird and different.

[2551] But you don't know who's weird.

[2552] That's why the Ellen thing is so interesting to people.

[2553] Because like, ooh, she's mean.

[2554] She's secretly mean.

[2555] So she pretends to be nice, but she's mean.

[2556] You know?

[2557] Like if somebody just pretends to be this version of someone that we see in a Mary Poppins movie or we see in some sort of a Disney television show.

[2558] like that's what freaks people out like why is that person that like i think mr rogers was really like that i do too i think we were getting that's he was honest yes that was his honest that really was him but that's so rare but if you found that mr rogers was a secret cunt you like to spit on people at red lights you know like you'd be like what mr rogers that's why people are freaking out about ellen because it's just the opposite of what we thought it's a scam yeah People feel deceived.

[2559] It's also a tyranny of being like the one person who's in charge of this whole empire and all these people, hundreds of people work around.

[2560] Helen, can I get your tea?

[2561] Ellen, would you like crackers?

[2562] Ellen, would you like, you know, shut up.

[2563] Get away.

[2564] Get away from me. Yeah.

[2565] I'll have to say for people who don't know, Joe Rogan off the show is, you're like exactly.

[2566] I was going to try to make a joke, but I'm like, there is no joke to be made.

[2567] You're exactly the same.

[2568] I don't think I could be.

[2569] I don't think I could fake it that long.

[2570] Right.

[2571] Like, I've done 1 ,500 and whatever the fuck are these things.

[2572] And look, I've displayed bad behavior.

[2573] I've displayed anger and stupidity.

[2574] I've said stupid shit.

[2575] Have you said stuff you regretted?

[2576] Oh, fuck, for sure.

[2577] You leave sometimes and you're like, God, what did I say that?

[2578] Oh, yeah.

[2579] Have you made rules for your...

[2580] Really?

[2581] Yeah, we get high afterwards and I think about things I said.

[2582] I was like, oh, I should have been so mean.

[2583] I should have been so mean.

[2584] It's the thinking about being mean to people.

[2585] To people or like talking about people talking about that.

[2586] Yeah, that's going to hurt someone's feelings.

[2587] I know that's what I freak out about too.

[2588] Well, there we go.

[2589] People who are actually mean, don't worry about hurting people's feelings.

[2590] They just say it and they don't go back and go, oh no, what did I say?

[2591] That's the mark of actually being a good person.

[2592] Yeah, you say honest things that actually hurt people and then you get high, I get high and I go, I shouldn't say it that way.

[2593] But I really did mean at the time, but I don't want to hurt that person.

[2594] Yeah.

[2595] I just want to take that out.

[2596] Do you apologize to you?

[2597] I have apologized before.

[2598] Yeah, I've done all those things.

[2599] Look, when you're doing what we're doing, and we know, this is, we're three hours in now, right?

[2600] It's 3 .38 right now, crazy, time flies.

[2601] It really does.

[2602] When we're doing what we're doing, we have no script.

[2603] I mean, we only shared a couple of text messages.

[2604] I didn't even talk to you on the phone until I saw here again.

[2605] There's no guest prep.

[2606] I'm not getting interviewed before here and what do you want to talk about and you have a list of things.

[2607] Yeah, we go wild.

[2608] I know anything can happen.

[2609] I was like trying to prepare for this.

[2610] Like, what am I going to talk to do about?

[2611] And I go, drop that.

[2612] Yeah.

[2613] There's no agenda.

[2614] Well, if we did that, there's no way you would have been so wild the way you would do.

[2615] No, exactly.

[2616] So you're going to, this is a, it's a fucking, you're thinking out loud.

[2617] So what should I do, Joe?

[2618] Okay.

[2619] Before we can, I really came here, I needed, I need advice from you in like a real way.

[2620] And you just like, what you just said to me really meant a lot, by the way.

[2621] I needed to hear, A, I'm not a bad person for the things I said.

[2622] said, I shouldn't regret anything I say today because I've already, I'm second -guessing that.

[2623] And that, then there was, I forget something else.

[2624] You're a very funny comic.

[2625] Thank you.

[2626] That felt good, too.

[2627] I am going to be in Pittsburgh next Thursday and then New Jersey.

[2628] What are you doing?

[2629] You're doing a drive -in theater in Butler, Pennsylvania.

[2630] They're going to all yell out.

[2631] Kink .com!

[2632] Yes, yell it out.

[2633] Tell us.

[2634] Please come see me. My dad's opening for me. I'm bringing my dad to open for me. He's a musician, and we're singing a song together that's fucking hilarious that we're writing.

[2635] I'm so excited.

[2636] We're doing a parody of Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper Shallow, where we're talking about me living under his roof.

[2637] It's so good.

[2638] He's a really good musician, and I can do a pretty good Lady Gaga, and so I'm really working on that.

[2639] So, yeah, please can I plug my dates?

[2640] Yes.

[2641] They can come see me, August 27 through 30th.

[2642] Tell some songs.

[2643] Go to.

[2644] Nikki Glazer .com.

[2645] I got four dates.

[2646] coming up, all -outdoor shows, Pittsburgh, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Connecticut.

[2647] All right.

[2648] Be nice to each other, people.

[2649] Much love.

[2650] Bye.