MFM Minisode 330

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[2] The minisode.

[3] That's right.

[4] You kill them, we grill them.

[5] Uh -oh.

[6] Isn't that how it goes?

[7] What's that from?

[8] It's roadkill.

[9] It's about roadkill.

[10] Really?

[11] Yeah, there was a joke like when I was a child of like, what was a restaurant called that cooks roadkill?

[12] You kill them, we grill them.

[13] I said it was like from jaws or something.

[14] I'm just like...

[15] Baby, it is.

[16] I don't know.

[17] I don't know how it happened, but it's been in my brain for over 40 years.

[18] And isn't that how podcasting works?

[19] I'm just here to present the things that have been stuck in our heads all of our lives.

[20] Definitely.

[21] Do you want to go first?

[22] Sure.

[23] This is called moms love a good trauma in any era.

[24] Just starts, a dear friend of mine's mother, let's call her Ruth, loves to visit from out of town, make us vintage -style appetizers and pop bottles of afternoon champagne.

[25] We're all in our late 30s and early 40s, and it's an absolute treat when she's in town, and we get to hear all of her fabulous and intriguing stories.

[26] On the most recent visit, one of us asked Ruth, what was something about your childhood that you carried into adulthood?

[27] That's a great question.

[28] Expecting an ode to lipstick, we relaxed while she took a deep breath and said, Well, my mother used to take me to funeral homes, and now I have to touch dead people.

[29] Oh.

[30] Collectively, we dropped our jaws, dribbling champagne, and my eyes widened.

[31] us, everything.

[32] For real.

[33] Ruth was an only child born in 1949 in Pittsburgh.

[34] Her mother, an eccentric woman to say the least, would take young Ruth to funeral homes for services where they didn't know the deceased.

[35] She would advise Ruth to stay quiet and would say how she knew the late guests of honor with a made -up connection, school, a club, bridge, and Ruth would not an agreement.

[36] During the viewing, Ruth was escorted by her mother to the casket and told that if she didn't touch the body, the ghost of the person would curse and haunt her.

[37] This is a child.

[38] That's child abuse.

[39] Ruth's hand, guided by her mothers, would tickle the ivories, as it were, and they'd leave after crashing the visitation.

[40] In stark contrast, they'd also visit graveyards on the weekend, and Ruth would excitedly point out where tents were remaining after funerals, and they'd scoop up the flowers, toss those in the and have fresh flowers in their home all year long.

[41] I mean, Jesus.

[42] Is it stark contrast or is it just an add -on of a similar what is going on in this family?

[43] It's in addition, too, for sure.

[44] Shit.

[45] As an aside, I also wonder what you may be wondering.

[46] Stealing the flowers does not cause haunting, but touching the body prevents it.

[47] The logic escapes me, but look, this isn't about me. After I picked my champagne -partched jaw up off the floor, shoved a cucumber sandwich down my gullet.

[48] I had to do something with the feelings of shock.

[49] I asked curiously, do you avoid touching bodies now?

[50] Oh, no. I have to touch them.

[51] I was at a funeral last December where he was cremated and my husband leaned over and said, guess you can't touch this one.

[52] Stay sexy and do what your mother says and then get a ton of therapy.

[53] Kay.

[54] I mean, it's dark.

[55] What was that mother's deal?

[56] Was she suspicions, I guess?

[57] Right, but they're going to a funeral they're not invited to.

[58] She's putting her child in that position for no reason.

[59] Yeah.

[60] Unless you're saying like she's driven by the idea that a dead person might haunt you.

[61] I mean, what's the, I just want a little more backstory.

[62] Yeah.

[63] Is there pills or alcohol involved?

[64] A lot of alcohol and a lot of pills involved there.

[65] We'll never know.

[66] Or is there some internal storytelling slash mental illness?

[67] I mean, or is it just like, hey, what if I induced the creepiest thing in your life and then everything else is a breeze?

[68] That's like...

[69] That's true.

[70] You got to get character from somewhere, if not your childhood, then where?

[71] For real.

[72] But also, I wonder how Ruth felt about that.

[73] Like, was it scary to touch those bodies?

[74] Or was it just like, oh, it's not scary because I'm actually preventing the scarier thing that's made up?

[75] I'd imagine it was terrifying.

[76] I would have, like, pulled her into the other room.

[77] and been like, okay, we're not, don't talk to those people anymore.

[78] You're just talking to me. Right, right.

[79] I need some information.

[80] Okay.

[81] The subject line of this email is, binging MFM paid off.

[82] Hey, all, I've been listening to more MFM than usual lately, and today it seems that my years of listening to your podcast instead of sleeping has finally paid off.

[83] So today, when I went to pick up my kids from school, I'm sorry, this person has written kiddos in this email multiple times, and I absolutely cannot stand this track.

[84] of people calling their children kiddos.

[85] You do not need to utter that word even if it's written.

[86] And I understand it's almost like more loving than kids and more like this is my little guy type of thing, but I hate it.

[87] Okay.

[88] So today when I went to pick up my kids from school, I overheard that a little girl from my son's kindergarten class was nowhere to be found.

[89] Hearing this immediately transformed me from a stay -at -home dad into a homicide detective with a few decades of experience.

[90] after interrogating the kindergartners with priors and then in parentheses it says JKJK, I decided to take my kids home and keep an eye out for anything suspicious.

[91] It just so happened that as I arrived home, I saw my neighbor putting her 10 -year -old son and a kindergarten -aged little girl into her vehicle.

[92] This struck me as strange since I knew that she doesn't have any other children and I've never seen a little girl playing with her son.

[93] I thought this could be the missing girl and that perhaps they were bringing her back to school but I became more concerned when they turned to go the opposite direction of the school.

[94] So I called the school and asked if the young girl had been located.

[95] They informed me that she had not and I proceeded to tell them about what I had just seen.

[96] Fast forward about 15 minutes to when my neighbor stormed over to my house to confront me about calling the school.

[97] Apparently that was the missing girl and they had decided to take her home based off of the directions this distraught five -year -old had given them.

[98] My neighbor was mainly upset that I had said anything to the school instead of minding my own business.

[99] While I'm sure she'll be venting about me to the entire neighborhood as she tends to do whenever she feels wronged by anyone, I personally have zero regrets.

[100] I heard a little girl was missing, I saw something suspicious, called in a tip within 30 minutes of her going missing, and had this child been abducted, I would have correctly identified the name, address, and vehicle of her would -be kidnapper.

[101] If I've learned anything from MFM, it's fuck politeness and trust your gut.

[102] I've also heard all too many stories of children being abducted and witnesses not coming forward until decades later.

[103] Sorry for the rather long story.

[104] Stay sexy and maybe contact police if you find a lost child in front of your house rather than taking matters into your own hands.

[105] Yeah.

[106] Then that's from Blaze, he, him.

[107] I'm sorry, that neighbor is in the wrong on so many levels.

[108] Yeah.

[109] Also, it's interesting, like the dynamic between the neighbors where he didn't feel comfortable going over and being like, hey, is that the little girl that's missing, which I think is very fair.

[110] But obviously, he was just like, yeah, is there a reason to be questioning this entire situation, which is so uncomfortable.

[111] Yeah, that is wild.

[112] But I'm also blaming the school that said to the neighbor, hey, your neighbor just called in the sighting of this kid.

[113] Like, you didn't have to rat blaze out.

[114] You could have been like, someone called and said they sell you.

[115] You know what I mean?

[116] Yes.

[117] That's kind of a niches.

[118] A snitches thing.

[119] Yeah, that's true.

[120] I'm like, oh, because she drove her home.

[121] So I guess the school called the mother.

[122] So when the five -year -old got dropped off, the mother was like so -and -so -called.

[123] Yeah.

[124] Whatever.

[125] I don't know.

[126] It's not our problem to solve.

[127] Really not our problem.

[128] Thank God we don't live in that neighborhood.

[129] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[130] Absolutely.

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[148] Goodbye.

[149] Okay, this is called family jailbreak.

[150] Hi, ladies, Stephen, pets, etc. You recently asked for any story.

[151] So here is my fifth question mark.

[152] My family and I have been living in Utah for the last decade.

[153] We just sort of ended up here.

[154] Long story, not important.

[155] But my husband knew that his late father had lived in the area at some point in his life.

[156] He had kind of a mysterious past.

[157] I like that.

[158] We discovered an article in the local newspaper about an inmate breaking out of the county jail in 1950 and it was none other than my father -in -law.

[159] Oh.

[160] titled Picks Jail in Lock, the article, says Donald J. Blank, picked the lock of Davis County Jail Sunday night because he, quote, couldn't take it no more.

[161] He had only been in the jail two hours after being arrested for an investigation of car theft.

[162] He left a note behind, into a cell mattress, the note read, quote, Dear jailer, I'm sorry I had to leave, but I'll be out of the state somewhere and nobody will find me. I can't take it no more.

[163] So first of all, my father -in -law was the most restless and impatient man I've ever met and the fact that he, quote, couldn't take it anymore after two hours in jail, doesn't surprise me. I'd like to think that if he hadn't escaped and left the state, he might not have met my mother -in -law and started a family with her.

[164] Did I mention he was married five, times.

[165] He stayed with her the longest though until she passed away.

[166] Oh.

[167] The sheriff noted the lock was old -fashioned and he'd picked it with a wire.

[168] He also mentioned he'd asked that a new jail be built and it would be discussed at the next county board of commissioners meeting.

[169] I looked up the history.

[170] It had been built in 1891.

[171] After multiple escapes, it was rebuilt finally in 1963.

[172] Jesus Christ.

[173] So I guess my father -in -law was just one of many.

[174] Apparently another inmate left with him, but just went across the street to inform someone about the escape as there were no jailers present when they left.

[175] And then he put himself back in his cell.

[176] That's good behavior.

[177] That's some, like, deadwood shit.

[178] Like, what do you, what?

[179] Hey, mister.

[180] Thanks for all that you do, stay sexy.

[181] And if you get arrested, try picking the lock, Denise.

[182] Oh, man. That's like, it's like, it's like, somebody wrote us an email from the Old West.

[183] Mm -hmm.

[184] Okay.

[185] This is a celebrity story and a hot dog story.

[186] Perfect.

[187] An amazing doubleheader.

[188] Hey, Karen, Georgia, and the entire MFM Dream Team, pets included.

[189] I never planned on submitting a hometown because my 32 years of life have been fairly average.

[190] But I also never expected a call for hot dog stories on this week's minisode.

[191] So here we are.

[192] Oddly enough, I have a lot of hot dog stories, but nothing tops the one I'm about to share.

[193] So this person had to pick from a belly of hot dog stories.

[194] I want to be our friend.

[195] Okay.

[196] When I was nine years old, my family and I went on a four -day Disney cruise over spring break.

[197] This was my first cruise, and the ship had everything a young girl like me could ever want.

[198] Water slides, endless entertainment, and an all -inclusive meal plan that meant I could eat pizza, in hot dogs, my favorite foods, whenever I wanted.

[199] I mean, as an adult, that sounds pretty fucking sweet, too.

[200] Like, you just chow down on a piece of pizza and then jump onto a water slide.

[201] Sounds great.

[202] It's like the way it was meant to be eating.

[203] One afternoon at sea, I was standing behind a woman and her young daughter waiting to order my hot dog lunch at the pool bar.

[204] This is the goal of the day.

[205] Like, you're going to swim in the pool for as long as you want, but then at some point you're going to go over in that line.

[206] Like, that's a child's dream.

[207] Eating food in a wet bathing suit is like a different fucking animal altogether.

[208] And it sounds like maybe I'm wrong about this, but there wasn't a lot of enforcing the old.

[209] You have to wait a half an hour.

[210] Shit.

[211] Right?

[212] Right.

[213] Yeah.

[214] The woman and her daughter were also ordering hot dogs.

[215] Clearly, they had great taste.

[216] As I waited my turn, I looked up to see my mom waving like a maniac from her pool chair and pointing to the woman in front of me and mouthing something I couldn't catch.

[217] I didn't know what she was trying to tell me, so I shrugged it off.

[218] Whatever, Mom.

[219] Ignore it.

[220] The next thing I knew, my older brother was walking towards me, but instead of stopping to talk to me, he tapped the lady in front of me on the shoulder and asked for her autograph.

[221] The woman smiled and signed her name on a napkin, my brother handed her.

[222] After she signed the sweaty napkin that his virgin strawberry daughery had been sitting on, my God, these kids are living like king.

[223] I gave my brother a confused look and grabbed the napkin, but the name looked like a bunch of squiggles.

[224] After I got my hot dog, I asked my mom who the lady was and why she wanted her squiggly autograph, and she responded with a name that wasn't familiar to nine -year -old me, Whitney Houston.

[225] Oh my, I was like, it's got to be someone epic.

[226] It's got to be someone epic.

[227] Whitney freaking, on a cruise!

[228] On a Disney cruise, like the most epic, basically, celebrity you could possibly, in my opinion, name drop.

[229] I later connected the dots that she was the fairy godmother in the 1997 Cinderella movie, so this earned her major cool points in my book.

[230] After our encounter in the hot dog line, my family and I saw Whitney, Bobby Christina, and Bobby Brown several more times around the ship.

[231] As an adult, I can't believe I was in the same vicinity, let alone the same hot dog line as this music legend.

[232] And this is always my fun fact in any icebreaker.

[233] situation.

[234] I would never stop telling this story.

[235] No, never ever.

[236] And yes, my mom still has the autographed napkin in a scrapbook in case you're wondering.

[237] To this day, I still claim hot dogs is my favorite.

[238] Not only are they absolutely delicious.

[239] Just such a wild, it's such a wild stance.

[240] Yeah, this is her case on why hot dogs are the best.

[241] And here's the reasons.

[242] Not only are they absolutely delicious, but they're also the reason I kind of met Whitney Houston.

[243] Stay sexy and always keep an eye out for celebrities and hot dog lines, Eliza.

[244] When was the last time you ate a hot dog?

[245] Oh, God.

[246] Fourth of July, probably last year, because we always do it, you know, like on the beach for Fourth of July.

[247] Oh, good.

[248] Okay.

[249] I just want to make sure we both have it, you know, a yearly hot dog at least.

[250] Well, and those ones, there's a kind of.

[251] that they have in Hawaii, they're really red.

[252] They're long and they're like dark red, and they are the best hot dog, in my opinion.

[253] So good.

[254] I'm into it.

[255] Okay, my last one is called Canadian Dare Program.

[256] Hello, murder friends.

[257] When I was in high school, circa 2011, we needed mandatory volunteer credits to graduate.

[258] In Canada, we don't really have the Dare program here, but we do have the party program.

[259] Prevent alcohol and risk -related trauma in youth.

[260] Flows off the time.

[261] Party.

[262] Also, like, yeah, it's really convoluted, and it, the name, the acronym actually points you in the wrong direction, I would say.

[263] It does.

[264] The party program was mandatory for health class.

[265] Some of the activities included learning how they pump your stomach after alcohol poisoning and how activated charcoal tastes.

[266] Jesus.

[267] Oh, that's actually smart.

[268] To warn teenagers.

[269] I feel like teenagers don't drink like we did in the 80s and 90s, but...

[270] They have those jugs now, though.

[271] What jug?

[272] There's like a jug of, like, punch that they drink, and they're called, like, blackout juice or something.

[273] Look at how old I am.

[274] We're still going strong, you're telling me?

[275] We're still getting blackout drunk.

[276] Driving a car simulator with distorted beer goggles.

[277] And then it says, yes, actual goggles that distort your vision as if you were drunk.

[278] Shit.

[279] This field trip ended with a trip to the morgue to see, where you might end up if you drink and drive.

[280] My young murdering of self had an absolute blast at this very somber field trip, so you can only imagine my excitement when I was asked to volunteer at the next year's event.

[281] My job was to wear a hospital gown and have a makeup artist go to town on my face and body and make it look like I was banged up in a car accident.

[282] I've got to say, it looked pretty real.

[283] All I had to do is lay in a hospital bed with a warm blanket and take naps at my leisure while a nurse told a story about Janie, who was in a horrific car accident with a drunk driver and ended up in a coma.

[284] A cautionary tale to the young health class.

[285] I guess my community theater acting skills paid off because one of the students asked, is she really in a coma?

[286] There was silence, and then I abruptly turned my head and opened my eyes to stare at the group of students at my bedside.

[287] Some of the students gasped and stepped back, but I did manage to make someone at the front scream.

[288] Yes.

[289] I don't think I've ever had so much fun volunteering.

[290] While all of my friends were picking up garbage or spending hours at a child care center, I got to lay in a warm bed and scare teenagers.

[291] My favorite.

[292] Stay sexy and don't drink and drive.

[293] Grace, she, her.

[294] Grace, I wish I could ask you right now in person, were you making an acting choice independent of what they were asking you to do in that bed?

[295] Because it's not a haunted house.

[296] Like, you're supposed to be in a coma.

[297] Right?

[298] It sounds like she went off script.

[299] It sounds like.

[300] Just for a general scare.

[301] Yeah.

[302] Just make sure this whole party feeling is a negative one, and you'll be fine.

[303] Yeah.

[304] Once they get the big picture, then you can, you know, kind of go rogue and do your own thing.

[305] Yeah.

[306] Well, fun.

[307] I mean, she should have rolled her eyes back in her head when she did it.

[308] Oh, my God.

[309] And, you know, whispered Beelzebub or something.

[310] Okay.

[311] No notes.

[312] No notes.

[313] All right.

[314] Here's my last one.

[315] It says, Drunk Dad Celebrity Encounter.

[316] Hello.

[317] I literally just hit Send on a Dad's Story when I. I thought, shit, I should have included this story, too.

[318] Why, you ask?

[319] Because it's a two -for -one, a drunk dad and a celebrity encounter.

[320] Several years ago, my dad was on a work trip in D .C., and he had a few drinks at the bar after a work event.

[321] He made his way back to his hotel and got into the elevator, which had kindly been held open for him by a couple.

[322] A brief note about my dad.

[323] He tries his darnest to be hip and cool, but he's always just slightly off the mark.

[324] So drunkenly swaying in the elevator After pausing to remember his floor number He looks at the couple with ever so slight recognition The man particularly is someone he knows Or at least someone he thinks he knows So now this goes as like a little play Dad staring in confusion Are you an actor?

[325] Were you in Troy?

[326] Man politely No, that was Brad Pitt Dad Huh, were you in Gladiator?

[327] Man smiling a little No, that was Russell Crow.

[328] I'm but dad interrupting.

[329] Well, gladiator was fucking good, and you should try harder be in that then.

[330] And then, since this was an elevator ride, the doors opened to my dad's floor, and he got off without another word, trailed by the very pleasant laughter of the couple who got a kick out of my dad's misplaced celebrity knowledge.

[331] My dad immediately texted me, and through some guess who style Q &A, we figured out.

[332] It was Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, who he had just shamed.

[333] for not being in the film Gladiator from 2000.

[334] Oh, my God, it's like one of the most famous people in the world.

[335] He's basically mistaking, like, arguably the third most famous actor for the first most famous actor, essentially.

[336] And in between those two, Paul Giamatti.

[337] Stay sexy and just assume all white male actors who peaked in the early 2000s were in some Greek Roman movie at some point.

[338] Grace, she, her.

[339] Oh, that had everything.

[340] Right?

[341] Including drunk Karen.

[342] I love it.

[343] So that was drunk Karen from theater, which is accurate.

[344] Mm -hmm.

[345] From theater class playing Drunk Dad.

[346] So she's being typecast.

[347] I love it.

[348] Amazing.

[349] Hey, write us your hometowns.

[350] We love them, as you can tell.

[351] We made a whole thing about them.

[352] I mean, we enjoyed them a lot.

[353] And thank you kindly for sending them to us.

[354] Also, stay sexy.

[355] And don't get murdered.

[356] Goodbye.

[357] Goodbye.

[358] Elvis, do you want a cookie?

[359] This has been an exactly right production.

[360] Our producer is Alejandra Keck.

[361] And this episode was engineered and mixed by Stephen Ray Morris.

[362] Stephen!

[363] Email your hometowns and fucking hooray's to My Favorite Murder at gmail .com.

[364] Follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at My Favorite Murder and Twitter at MyFave Murder.

[365] Goodbye.

[366] Follow My Favorite Murder on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever.

[367] you like to listen so you don't miss an episode.

[368] If you like what you hear, rate and review the show.

[369] Visit exactly right store .com to purchase my favorite murder merch.