My Favorite Murder Presents: Bananas - Episode 1: Pigeon Pants with Kristen Schaal

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Okay, everybody get ready because you guys are about to hear the very first episode of our newest Exactly Right podcast, Bananas.

[2] It's hosted by our good friends, comedians, Kurt Bronner, and Scotty Landis.

[3] So each week, Kurt and Scotty are going to bring you the most absurd, shocking, or fascinating news from around the world.

[4] And all these stories are absolutely true.

[5] But they're just weird enough that they're going to make you go, that's bananas.

[6] So take a listen right now to the first episode with guests, Kristen.

[7] shawl and then you can go to the bananas feed directly and you can hear episode two with me Georgia hard stark that's out right now and then please subscribe and listen on stitcher apple podcast or wherever you listen and follow the show on instagram at the bananas podcast enjoy goodbye enjoy hey guys thanks for listening to bananas uh just a quick disclaimer in that this episode was recorded before the world ended uh so if it seems like we're talking about go going out and touching other human beings, know that this was in an earlier, more innocent time.

[8] We didn't know how bad it was going to be, but Chris and Shaw's our guest, and we actually have a wonderful conversation in a really fun time.

[9] Something that we want to do in the show is actually positive and not bring you down, so we hope everybody out there safe and healthy.

[10] We hope you have stocked wipes and toilet paper and food.

[11] And enjoy this first episode of bananas.

[12] Bananas.

[13] Today I have bananas.

[14] Man walking oddly found to have 21 live pigeons in pants.

[15] Yeah, that's bananas.

[16] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to bananas, the podcast.

[17] You could laugh, Kristen.

[18] You're allowed to laugh.

[19] You can laugh, Kristen.

[20] It's a comedy.

[21] This is Kurt Brattle, or that's Scotty Landis.

[22] This is our first episode ever, and we have with us.

[23] My name's Kristen Schell, but I really just want you two to build up the show together as a team before you bring me in, since it's your show, not mine.

[24] You're so upset.

[25] You have so many shows.

[26] I figure you're too busy.

[27] You had to come from one of your TV shows.

[28] I saw your billboard today for My Spy.

[29] I saw your name up there on Hollywood Boulevard.

[30] That's right.

[31] And name above the title.

[32] Name above the title.

[33] Top billing.

[34] Next to the nine -year -old.

[35] That's the first one.

[36] That's your first name above title, isn't it?

[37] Maybe.

[38] It's a very big deal.

[39] Congratulations.

[40] Well, thank you very much.

[41] Maybe we'll all go see it.

[42] Let's go see it.

[43] I'm going to see it at least twice.

[44] We saw Ma in the theater.

[45] Yeah.

[46] Were you there?

[47] I saw it at the premiere.

[48] Oh, you got invited to the premiere.

[49] Yeah.

[50] Let's go to the premiere of this.

[51] Yeah, I don't think there's going to be one.

[52] Oh, no. Yeah, that's a fun movie.

[53] I'm going to.

[54] I'm having a premiere.

[55] I mean it.

[56] I've been asking a few times.

[57] I don't think it's getting a premiere.

[58] Well.

[59] I don't know why.

[60] It's good.

[61] I've seen it.

[62] Wait, wait.

[63] And what's the name of the movie?

[64] So everyone knows to go see it.

[65] It's called My Spy.

[66] It comes out March 13th.

[67] When does this podcast come out?

[68] April 21st.

[69] Yeah.

[70] Maybe it'll still be in theater.

[71] It probably will.

[72] It probably will.

[73] That's how it works these days.

[74] Movies just last and last and last.

[75] It's a real easy landscape right now for movies.

[76] But it's good.

[77] It's good.

[78] I liked it.

[79] Oh, good.

[80] Well, Kristen has known Scotty and I for many, many years.

[81] You and I have been doing a show together for 15 years.

[82] Right.

[83] 15 years on Monday.

[84] I know.

[85] And your birthday is on Saturday.

[86] My birthday is on Saturday as well.

[87] What do you want for your birthday?

[88] Where's my present?

[89] You didn't give me my birthday present yet.

[90] It's very difficult to make.

[91] I'm still working on making your present.

[92] It's kombucha.

[93] And it's delicious.

[94] But it's got alcohol and it's booze, boochia.

[95] Well, okay, because I haven't gotten you anything.

[96] And then, you know, if you got me, like, a level of a gift that I would have to match.

[97] Well, wait until I give you the level of the gift and then you'll have to match it.

[98] Yeah, yeah.

[99] So, yeah, so, I mean, like, this is going to be, we're going to get to, are strange and wonderful news.

[100] But before we do, just so people know how Kristen knows Scotty and I, Scotty, how did you come into our lives?

[101] I was working on a TV show called Stella.

[102] I was in the sound department, and an actress named Andrea Rosen said you have to come to the show.

[103] It's called Hot Tub, and it was one of your first five hot tubs maybe?

[104] That we performed to maybe 30, 30 people.

[105] And I sat in the front row, and I thought you guys were so good.

[106] I actually went up and introduced myself to Kristen.

[107] and she thought I was a homosexual because I was there with another friend and we were very positive.

[108] I assume everybody's gay.

[109] Just like everyone assumes everybody's straight.

[110] I'm only surprised when I find out they're straight.

[111] And I thought about that.

[112] I got on the F train road to Coney Island, rode it back out to Queens.

[113] I had a long night of just self -reflection and I said I want to work with these two.

[114] And then I was working for Red Bull and Kurt was hired to teach improv to Salesforce.

[115] That is the weirdest job I've ever had.

[116] Yeah.

[117] And so he did.

[118] And I was like, you're that guy from that show.

[119] And then I think I just attended probably, like, I don't know, five years of hot tubs in a row.

[120] We were our biggest thing.

[121] Yeah.

[122] And that's that.

[123] And then, you know.

[124] And you would write sketches that we would do.

[125] Yeah, that was nice.

[126] Scottie's a writer.

[127] Scottie's a writer.

[128] He wrote the movie, Ma.

[129] I did.

[130] Yeah.

[131] And many more movies that are about to come out.

[132] That's fine.

[133] And I wrote on the workaholics.

[134] Jeez, yes.

[135] Like for how many years?

[136] Four years on workaholics.

[137] And you're sort of Adam Devine's.

[138] best man and you think he'll be his best man at his wedding?

[139] I won't be his best man his wedding.

[140] Ooh.

[141] That's tough.

[142] He definitely is in a troop of three good buddies of his.

[143] I would call it four with Scotty and I would think that Scotty has his back more than they do.

[144] Wow.

[145] Do you hear that?

[146] Do you hear that?

[147] I am the person that gets invited to weddings because people just know I'm going to dance and drink and have fun and I think that everybody's like he's coming.

[148] I think there's no doubt.

[149] I don't need any honors.

[150] I don't need to be in the wedding.

[151] I don't need to be an usher.

[152] It's just like, oh, he's coming.

[153] He is always the first person to respond to an invite saying, I'll be there.

[154] Yeah, that's not a question.

[155] He's not, I'm not like, oh, he won't come unless they make him my best man. But I just think if he doesn't, you should be, like, insulted to your core.

[156] Yeah, I've, I've already started to put some feelers out for Blake to see if he needs a movie writer or a TV writer.

[157] Yeah.

[158] Move on.

[159] Yeah.

[160] Anyway, Scotty, that being said, the reason that Adam Devine doesn't deserve you.

[161] Of course he does.

[162] If you're not his best man, is that you are a very loyal, wonderful friend.

[163] That's nice.

[164] Thank you.

[165] Scotty's one of those people who can be super busy and you're super busy, but he'll always reach out to hang out.

[166] That's true.

[167] I remember when my mom was sick, Scotty sent her not one, not two, but three cards in the mail that were all very funny.

[168] she enjoyed them.

[169] That's nice.

[170] And I also said your mom's stuff.

[171] I think you did.

[172] You sent a big thing of food and it was delicious.

[173] It was very helpful.

[174] Did she like it?

[175] Did Barbara say anything about the food?

[176] She couldn't eat at that point.

[177] Yeah, yeah, she couldn't eat.

[178] A little late on the food.

[179] Oh, yeah.

[180] A little late.

[181] Maybe not the best choice.

[182] If you could have gotten to tour when she could still eat, that would have been a great idea.

[183] Yeah, but you were a little late.

[184] Yeah, a little late, but, you know, she.

[185] Yeah, too bad.

[186] But the orderlies loved it.

[187] The hospice nurses couldn't get enough.

[188] Great choice.

[189] Watermelon Roll from Friendly.

[190] It's very funny.

[191] When my next mom dies, I hope you'll be more on the ball.

[192] You better not be talking about Gretchen.

[193] Oh, my God.

[194] No, I am not.

[195] I'm talking about an imaginary mom that doesn't exist.

[196] Okay.

[197] Yes, no. I'm not talking about.

[198] You can't lose her.

[199] Oh, God.

[200] I can't believe.

[201] Take that part out of the podcast.

[202] Take it out.

[203] It all comes true.

[204] What is wrong with you?

[205] Yeah, what is wrong with you, Kurt?

[206] So, you know, Scotty brought, but we still haven't gotten to what this podcast is about, But Scotty brought a bottle of moa, and would you do the honor?

[207] Sure, I brought a little moat champagne to christen this.

[208] To christen this.

[209] To christen this.

[210] Thanks for doing our first episode.

[211] I mean, it's just like a reason to get to talk to my friends.

[212] I know, right?

[213] So great.

[214] And to talk about weird news.

[215] While he does that, I'm going to tell you this story about a man walking oddly found to have 21 live pigeons in his pants.

[216] First and foremost takes place.

[217] Oh, this is from the Los Angeles Times.

[218] There we go.

[219] And it is not a, it is not credited to a writer.

[220] So it must just be staff.

[221] It's an Associated Press article.

[222] There we go.

[223] This is, of course, in Baltimore.

[224] Police officer stopped a man who was walking oddly down the street with bulging pants and found that he had 21 live homing pigeons stuffed in his clothes.

[225] Thomas Waddell 25 was charged.

[226] Tuesday was stealing 30 homing pigeons valued at $300 from a neighbor John Styron.

[227] He was also charged with stealing 40 homing pigeons worth $2 ,400 late Monday from a different guy.

[228] He's just going around stealing pigeons.

[229] And putting him in his pants.

[230] And putting them in his pants.

[231] I have two connections to this story.

[232] One, I went to the Magic Castle once, and I saw a magician on the main stage who came out and he was doing his act and everything.

[233] and, like, his big reveal involved birds.

[234] But during the show, you could just see pigeons poking out through his shirt.

[235] Oh, God.

[236] And they, like, just kept moving around.

[237] And at first I was like, what's wrong?

[238] How good is this guy?

[239] What's wrong with his body?

[240] Do you know what I mean?

[241] Yeah.

[242] And then finally, like, like, a beak would come through, like, just wear between two buttons on his, like, dress -up shirt.

[243] And I just started feeling so bad, not only for him, but also for the person.

[244] pigeons and also for magic in general and then finally he did his big reveal and like literally 10 or 15 pigeons he kept producing them from different places but they were all just in his clothes for like a 45 minute long show like just pecking him and walking around it was it made me feel bad for the oh cheers by the way cheers we're going to do a quick cheers there we go we did it champagne to bananas there bananas at 2 30 p .m. What you want to do is drink champagne, the bubbliest, most carbonated of champagne.

[245] Right before you're...

[246] And just constantly belched at each other in a small room, surrounded by nice people who wish...

[247] This is my favorite time to have a drink.

[248] There we go.

[249] There it is, because you like...

[250] I like to have a drink in the afternoon, and I like to go to bed early.

[251] Yep, parent life.

[252] And then the other part of the connection that I have to this story is from living in Baltimore.

[253] Just the weirdest city, I think, across the...

[254] across the country.

[255] We've talked about this too, because I'm from Maryland, and when we were in high school, we would ride our bikes through the city and get chased constantly.

[256] It's amazing.

[257] Our parents let us do it.

[258] And the things people would yell at you were never like, give me money, I'm going to kill you, anything like that.

[259] They would say the most confusing things, and there's always math involved.

[260] Like, they'll go, hey man, can I talk to you for 12 minutes?

[261] And then you'll be like, no. And you'll start riding away, and they go, listen, I need 45 cents.

[262] I got to go six blocks down the street.

[263] I already have $3 .16.

[264] What I need is, and they start listing numbers, and it's the most confusing thing.

[265] It'll be like, I think you told me once a guy was like, go take a hundred steps or something.

[266] No, no, this guy, well, that was when I got mugged in Baltimore, but no. I remember once it was, and I don't know why this is a thing, but it is.

[267] There's always like math involved.

[268] A guy came up to me and was like, here's the deal.

[269] I left my car park three blocks away.

[270] Already math.

[271] It is in the trunk of it.

[272] is a vacuum cleaner that I'm going to sell for $25.

[273] However, I need to like take a bus to the place where I can sell the thing.

[274] So once I sell it, I'll have $28.

[275] And it like, and it just kept ratcheting up.

[276] But it was all involved like an enterprising amount of capitalism.

[277] I've involved with like selling this vacuum cleaner, but his child, but his like daughter was sitting in the car.

[278] And so he couldn't leave the car even though he had walked three blocks away from the car already.

[279] And he just need.

[280] And the whole point.

[281] But you're there for like 10 full minutes before you're like, what, what is?

[282] What are we doing?

[283] Yeah, it's like some Darren Brown stuff.

[284] It's like he's doing mentalist things to you.

[285] And you're like, I guess I'd rather just give this person $5 than ever hear another number again for the rest of my life.

[286] Yeah.

[287] But also, you're saying the Magic Castle.

[288] I went and saw, they have, for those that don't know, it's like the main member club of magicians in the world.

[289] I don't think there's anything else like that one in L .A. Kristen is a, is a member.

[290] That's up for debate.

[291] Really?

[292] There was one drunk visit where.

[293] Very drunk visit.

[294] Yeah.

[295] Yeah.

[296] And as we were leaving, the daughter of the owners, so I guess she's the owner, was like, you're a member.

[297] But it didn't hold.

[298] You've never tested it.

[299] You've never tested it.

[300] I'm pretty sure it's not real.

[301] That was the time I swallowed a quarter to impress someone.

[302] Yeah.

[303] I did a quote unquote magic trick where I threw a quarter in my mouth.

[304] And then I was like, it's gone.

[305] And then Chris was like, did you just swallow that quarter?

[306] Yeah.

[307] And I said, I said no for a long time.

[308] And then you're like, well, where did it go?

[309] And then I was like, I swallowed that.

[310] quarter and did not win any friends did not win any friends it was I was trying to impress a comedian who I wish we're not still not friends let's say who it was Brad Neely Brad Neely would be um so endeared he yeah Brad Neely who makes very funny things I find magic like at the Magic Castle when it's really dramatic I cannot stop laughing there is one guy and I he is the best at birds relating this back to the story and he comes out dressed like Morpheus and he's got leather jacket and like this thing and his music's very house and trance and like really heavy bass music and he just produces so many birds and so many different types of birds that I was laughing nonstop it was like because magic I guess it's similar to art or comedy where you look ahead and you go I want this visual to happen and I have to manufacture I have to trick people into it so he was picturing himself pulling these birds out of just various places on his body and in his mind he's like like, yes, I can figure this out.

[311] I just need the birds.

[312] And now he's number one in the world.

[313] Is he the number one magician?

[314] A number one bird guy.

[315] Oh, is the number one bird magician?

[316] Oh, man, I love that there's bird magicians.

[317] Like, that's a specific thing.

[318] Imagine if there was like bird comedy.

[319] And you're like the number one bird comedian, only jokes about birds.

[320] Not a bad idea.

[321] You could totally go to that market.

[322] You could write bird jokes right now.

[323] I have so many already.

[324] Well, Jim Gaffigan kind of did that with cake.

[325] Yes, and bacon.

[326] Or bacon.

[327] Yeah, bacon was his main thing.

[328] Yeah, hot pockets.

[329] It was mostly food.

[330] Oh, it was hot pockets, yes.

[331] It's very funny.

[332] Do you want to hear a story?

[333] I do.

[334] This is a real story.

[335] This is according to WCGB, which is out of Florida.

[336] Okay, so in Florida.

[337] Oh, that's surprise.

[338] Yep.

[339] It's funny because we are, Kurt and I even discussing bananas.

[340] We were like, we can't just do Florida stories.

[341] And we're discovering that other states are starting to catch up, like, Michigan.

[342] is really good.

[343] Louisiana's always wild.

[344] Mississippi is always wild.

[345] This one kind of, this is a good one.

[346] So police in Florida are investigating a gruesome discovery of jars of tongues in a cross base in a home.

[347] I'm sure they're just cows tongues.

[348] Thank you.

[349] These are human tongues.

[350] Oh, my God.

[351] And they are owned by a guy named Ronald Bogman.

[352] And he is.

[353] That sounds like such a guy who would have tongues in his house.

[354] Yes.

[355] So he's in Gainesville.

[356] I'm Mr. Bogman.

[357] Yes.

[358] And you're like, okay, Ronald.

[359] You're like, Ron, Ronnie.

[360] So he was a researcher at University of Florida And some of the jars date back to the 1960s So they're looking into the tongues Because for basically the last two decades He's been bringing these tongues home as part of his research From cadavers Yes Or yes, from cadavers we hope But he is currently a professor at the university But they don't know why this guy is stashing them In the crawl space above in his home That's wow How many?

[361] How many?

[362] Um, let me look up.

[363] I believe it was 20.

[364] Is he trying to learn how to speak in tongues?

[365] Thank you.

[366] She's the number one tongue comic in the world.

[367] How did they find out about it?

[368] Did someone hear some licking coming from up above?

[369] Thank you.

[370] Okay.

[371] Which is just a taste of the comedy is going to have over there is.

[372] One, two, three.

[373] He was expanding his palate.

[374] Okay.

[375] I love having fun with my bud.

[376] I don't know, but it's, I'm trying to look and see what it is.

[377] But this guy's like a really, I think he's just stashing him.

[378] I think that he just collects him and probably doesn't want to creep out people that come over to his house.

[379] But it is very strange.

[380] Yeah, I mean, he might just take him all down when he's alone and kind of like put him around him and just be like, you know, now I got a bunch of tongues.

[381] Is he in trouble for it?

[382] That's a great question.

[383] Is it illegal to take a tongue from a cadaver?

[384] It's not his personal property.

[385] It's not your tongue.

[386] taking him from the university.

[387] When I got my teeth knocked out, I wanted to keep my teeth.

[388] Tell us about that story.

[389] How did you get them knocked out, Kristen?

[390] I like wine, and I went to...

[391] I went up to a wine country, and I went to be safe, rented a bike.

[392] And then I fell off it.

[393] Right onto your face.

[394] I didn't put your hands out.

[395] Didn't put your hands out.

[396] I broke the fall with my face, and when I opened my eyes, I had to pull up blood in Three teeth.

[397] It doesn't matter.

[398] But I wanted to keep those teeth.

[399] Sure.

[400] Yeah.

[401] And the dentist said I couldn't, because it's like basically like a cadaver part of this.

[402] Like it belongs to the state.

[403] Oh, weird.

[404] Whoa, whoa.

[405] Your teeth immediately belonged to the state once they hit the pavement?

[406] I don't know.

[407] That doesn't seem.

[408] I like this theory.

[409] Sounds like this guy wanted to keep your fucking teeth.

[410] Uh -huh.

[411] He's a big fan.

[412] In a jar above his bed in a crawl space.

[413] Yeah.

[414] That's weird.

[415] I don't think that that's true at all.

[416] it becomes part of the state.

[417] I don't know.

[418] That is really strange.

[419] But this dude's got your teeth somewhere.

[420] Yeah, this dude's got your teeth.

[421] I think he threw them away at this point.

[422] You think so?

[423] We don't need to.

[424] Oh, you know what?

[425] We should eBay Kristen Shaw teeth.

[426] Well, here's the thing because you could grind up those teeth and use them as bone density for other injuries.

[427] That's nice.

[428] No. I'm going back to tongues.

[429] Yeah, back to tongues.

[430] But I remember when you had that and then you got three, before you got like your permanence And you had just this thing where you could just remove all three of your front teeth.

[431] It was the best.

[432] Yeah, my flipper.

[433] It was so funny.

[434] It was fun.

[435] And I was about to shoot and I shot two, three, two or three episodes of Last Man on Earth before I got my permanent teeth.

[436] So I was working with that.

[437] And I showed Will and I was like, I think we should put this in like before.

[438] You have to get your real teeth in.

[439] And Phil make love.

[440] She's like one more thing.

[441] And she pops him out.

[442] And that's what his life is.

[443] But didn't make it.

[444] Yeah, I didn't see that.

[445] I didn't see it either.

[446] It was funny because at first when you showed me that, I was like, Kristen looks like white trash, which I never thought.

[447] And then I was hanging out for another half hour.

[448] I was like, no, she looks like a four -year -old.

[449] It looked like a kid without.

[450] It was so fun to watch you drinking at that.

[451] I was like, look at this toddler.

[452] getting drunk.

[453] That's the thing.

[454] It gives you instant youth.

[455] Yes.

[456] So if I feel myself getting old, I'm going to get these implants out.

[457] Yeah, yeah, just get them removed.

[458] They can unscrew them, right?

[459] Yeah, you can get them out.

[460] That's what Ed Holmes did for The Hangover.

[461] Oh, really?

[462] I think there's one of the movies he's missing a tooth.

[463] Yeah, just unscrewed his implant.

[464] Oh, really?

[465] Yeah.

[466] That's like legit.

[467] I always thought that that was, you know, an effect.

[468] No. Oh, wow.

[469] So for all you TV or movie.

[470] aspiring actors producers I can take out my teeth if you need me to so that's one more If you want a real weird look We can give it to you I can do it for pretty cheap Don't have to get there early In the makeup chair or anything Yeah Kristen do you want another story Yes please All right But going back to the tongue guy Yeah So is he under arrest or like I think he was under arrest Yeah so there is an investigation into why he has these tongues But they don't know yet.

[471] They don't know.

[472] And when they find out, I mean, I thought you were going to launch into a different cross -base story when I saw this one.

[473] Oh, what's fun about the pies?

[474] Yeah.

[475] I thought for sure.

[476] I mean, should I tell the story?

[477] Do you want me to tell the story?

[478] I'm not.

[479] I mean, this is the first one.

[480] I think you got to bring out the hits so people will want to listen to the second one.

[481] All right.

[482] So I discovered masturbation when I was 12 years old.

[483] Of course.

[484] That's late.

[485] Is it late?

[486] I was whacking off at least four.

[487] You are the most creative masturbator I have ever heard of in my entire life.

[488] You would tell me about hour -long jerk -off trips that you would go on in your bedroom.

[489] I was always fascinated.

[490] If you really go there.

[491] She has a great imagination famously.

[492] Well, it's relaxing.

[493] And if you have a vibrator, it's just like there's not a lot of work involved.

[494] Yeah, it's just there.

[495] I've got to get a vibrator.

[496] Yeah, you do.

[497] Cool.

[498] Oh, well, yeah, 12 years old.

[499] And also, I mean, that's...

[500] What?

[501] You have a question?

[502] I don't have one.

[503] I'm listening to your story.

[504] I'm surprised that you started masturbating earlier than 12, especially Colorado on a farm and everything.

[505] No, I think girls discover their bodies earlier.

[506] You think so?

[507] I know so.

[508] Oh.

[509] Thank you.

[510] You know so.

[511] But that's another story.

[512] That's another story.

[513] Anyway, I discovered...

[514] It's a long story, and I'll shorten it as much as I can.

[515] I discovered masturbation.

[516] All right, at age 12 while eating McDonald's apple pie and taking a shit.

[517] Well, that detail wasn't at all the time.

[518] That is part of the story.

[519] You asked for this story, and now you're going to shame.

[520] Body shame me?

[521] No, it's not body shame.

[522] It's eating shame.

[523] Well, that was a classy move on my part.

[524] You had to take a shit, but you didn't want to stop eating at McDonald's.

[525] I polished off some sweet McAdie's and then retired.

[526] to the commode with just a hot steaming hot apple pie.

[527] Why wouldn't you just take a minute to take your poop and then enjoy your pie without the poop fumes coming up mixing with that with the cherry?

[528] I don't know.

[529] I was 12.

[530] I was in a rush.

[531] Yeah.

[532] Yeah.

[533] What were you in a rush for?

[534] I don't know, but I mean, maybe television was starting soon.

[535] Okay.

[536] You know, so anyway.

[537] And also I was like 12.

[538] I didn't know.

[539] I knew like what sex.

[540] I knew that sex was a thing, but I didn't know what it was, you know.

[541] I'd recently.

[542] recently just found my uncle's playboys and cut just the breasts out of every photograph.

[543] Yeah, normal.

[544] And then tape them to my wall underneath a poster that was a photograph of myself at age five that said wanted, dead or alive.

[545] Okay.

[546] And then I would charge children in the neighborhood a quarter to stare at this sea of disembodied breasts.

[547] Realizing early on that breasts without women are very disturbing.

[548] Yeah.

[549] A quarter?

[550] A quarter.

[551] You wanted to make some money.

[552] Yeah, I mean, like, it was kid time, you know, so it was like, what are these 12 years old 12 year olds have access to I guess it's a quarter And so then, yeah So I was taking a shit And I was eating this pie I mean that's like People take a shit now And look at their iPhones Yeah But you ate pies I was eating pies And it was just like a sleeve of pie You know Similar shape It was a similar shape And you know Embarrassing enough Oh bite Like just the whole Like get it out But put it in I was essentially Making my body Like a reverse human straw really um and then i got a boner as you want to do when you're 12 and eating and shitting um and boners are always you'll get a boner while you're taking a poop i guess so when i was 12 because like boners just you know they they show up unexpected when you're 12 yeah just like are we having sex yet no oh i'm still sticking around you know uh and so then that was like the eureka moment where i just flipped it pie upside down and stuck my dick in it and uh it was a bit too hot at first.

[553] I did burn the tip of my penis a little bit, but it felt too good.

[554] I kept going.

[555] And here's where it gets weird, Kristen.

[556] Oh, it was weird for me. Oh, really?

[557] Totally normal up for this point.

[558] Oh, okay.

[559] For the next six months, I thought this was the only way you could masturbate.

[560] So I became obsessed with going to McDonald's.

[561] I would always be like, no, mom, we have got to go to McDonald's today.

[562] And then I went to run upstairs, jerk off into these pies, and then throw their corpses into the eaves of my attic where I'm sure they're still there to this day.

[563] Because that was filled with preservatives.

[564] I mean, so many.

[565] And we sold that house like 20 years ago.

[566] Yeah?

[567] So that family has a real weird raccoon problem now.

[568] I'm probably some raccoon Kurt offspring.

[569] And on that story, let's take a break.

[570] Yeah, let's take a break.

[571] For what?

[572] For ads or just music.

[573] Oh, you guys think you're going to get ads?

[574] And we're back.

[575] Kristen, you want to hear a story?

[576] Oh, absolutely.

[577] I love stories.

[578] Duck, this is from the New York Post.

[579] This is Duck has traumatized, duck has traumatized penis removed after nonstop sex.

[580] Okay.

[581] I'm in.

[582] This is a UK -based duck who was forced to have his penis surgically removed after it became infected due to his insatiable sex drive.

[583] The duck's name is Dave.

[584] I'm sure.

[585] Dave's owner, Josh Watson, of Torquay, Torquai.

[586] What's Torquai, Torquay?

[587] I don't know.

[588] I don't know.

[589] It's the place in the U .K. Yeah, in the UK.

[590] Torquai.

[591] Torquay.

[592] Torquay.

[593] Torquy.

[594] Said his nymphomaniac pet would mate with his female companions, Dora, Edith, and Freda between five and ten times a day, even when it wasn't mating season.

[595] And it got to the point where his threesome partners would wander off during sex and even peck at his pecker to ward off unwanted advances.

[596] This guy.

[597] Ultimately, the horny Drake.

[598] Time's up.

[599] Okay.

[600] Don't keep him on.

[601] Oh, no, he's still alive.

[602] That's the weird part.

[603] That's the weirdest part is that they just decided to cut this duck's dick off instead of just killing the duck.

[604] That's torture.

[605] That's torture.

[606] And also, like, duck's dicks are weird.

[607] They're like that corkscrew shape.

[608] Yeah.

[609] I do remember from my time watching ducks fuck.

[610] Yeah.

[611] Look at that.

[612] Who wants wine, you know?

[613] Let's get into it.

[614] But, I mean, I mean, it's fine also.

[615] I mean, I think that they said, like, all duck.

[616] All duck sex is, like, incredibly inherently violent as well because of the corkscrew shape of the penis.

[617] So maybe cut all the duck's dicks off.

[618] I don't know.

[619] Oh, well, you said it.

[620] Not me, Peter.

[621] Yeah.

[622] I said give him a second one.

[623] I'm pro sex.

[624] Pro forward, pro everything.

[625] That's my head of boss that had a duck as a pet.

[626] He had a dog and a duck and at the Christmas party.

[627] Wait, a duck like in an apartment?

[628] Well, no, it was a house.

[629] And he had like a backyard and they had like a little coy pond.

[630] and I lived in Maryland and I was over there and I was like, oh, he was a duck in his yard.

[631] He's like, yeah, we found the egg and we incubated it and this duck hatched.

[632] We thought it was a swan or something.

[633] And it was just like a mallard.

[634] I mean, like, wait, what job is this?

[635] Because he's your boss.

[636] What job?

[637] He owned a chain of bike shops called Bike Doctor.

[638] They're probably like seven or more.

[639] And he was the main dude.

[640] He was the original founder and then he franchised him out.

[641] And so I was 16 and I was excited at a party and it was all adults.

[642] and there was a solid duck and a dog that were like best friends in the backyard and I thought this was great and they're like yeah they're like friends they hang out and then I went back there for a spring party and I'm like where's the duck and they're like oh the dog killed the duck and ate it and I was like yeah this was coming like we should have seen this coming it it was a problem but great spring rolls I love that guy I love like I would just imagine finding an egg and then going to I'm going to keep this egg warm just to find out what's inside of it yeah like you It's fun.

[643] He could have just been heating up an egg that you could eat.

[644] It could have been a dinosaur in there.

[645] I think there's a mail -order company in this.

[646] I think we should start mailing.

[647] You can order a random egg.

[648] You don't know what it is.

[649] $10.

[650] And then you send you a little blanket and a little red light.

[651] And you just incubate it and then you have to raise whatever it comes out.

[652] Rattlesnake.

[653] People love surprises of live animals.

[654] Kristen and I. Kristen would have done it.

[655] You would have done that.

[656] If you were 12, if you could just order an egg and raise it.

[657] Oh, 100%.

[658] I think we would, chicks would, we'd watch chicks be born under a warm light for like a science experiment in school, maybe.

[659] Yeah, it puts Kinder surprise to shame.

[660] This is a real surprise.

[661] This is a real egg surprise.

[662] I'm going to look into it.

[663] Remember when we used to, when we started a hot tub, we had animal races every, every, every show.

[664] We would race a different animal.

[665] Do you remember the animals that we got?

[666] Crodroddads.

[667] We had crawdads.

[668] We had sandworms.

[669] Yeah, they were insects mostly.

[670] Cockroaches.

[671] I think we had, oh, we had hermit crabs.

[672] Hermit crabs.

[673] They were all exoskeletons.

[674] Yeah.

[675] I don't think we got any real mammals.

[676] No. But then I think the sandworms escaped, and I think they still live in the theater there.

[677] Oh, is it even a theater?

[678] Oh, I don't know.

[679] Did it go back to the garment district?

[680] It might be.

[681] Who knows?

[682] We don't know.

[683] Yeah.

[684] It's got to give us a story.

[685] It's got it.

[686] Okay.

[687] This one is kind of dark, but kind of amazing.

[688] Oh, these haven't been dark.

[689] No, yeah, we're taking a turn.

[690] Oh, yeah, the tongue thing was not dark at all.

[691] Yeah, the tongue thing was joyous.

[692] Okay, so this is from the South China Morning Post.

[693] Virtual reality reunites mother with dead daughter, bringing tears, but also helping her let go of a child she missed so dearly.

[694] Slowed down.

[695] What?

[696] So in South Korea.

[697] Yes, it's like Black Mirror.

[698] And I watched the video.

[699] It's on YouTube.

[700] You can watch this woman interact with her dead daughter who died when she was seven years old.

[701] Correct.

[702] What does the company do?

[703] How does the company do?

[704] do it well is it like when they brought tupac back uh what are those hologram yeah her daughter was tupac that's the twist and so she had the craziest reunion ever um she got around so the south korea documentary company made a documentary called meeting you and it was like the it's experimental it's like the first time they're doing this and they think it's going to be this huge revolutionary thing where people can talk to people that are not only like overseas or far away but also to dead relatives and they do it by doing um they take actual photographs and turn it in they basically generate her and use audio recordings and so it sounds and looks like your child or your parent or whoever passes away and when they generate them on a computer yes and so the video no they do it with they do it with claymation it takes such a long time to have a conversation the hug i watched was four days uh but so uh this daughter who was seven years old passed away from an incurable disease.

[705] What disease?

[706] It just said incurable disease.

[707] Don't you know incurable disease?

[708] Yeah, you know incurable disease.

[709] And they like, the video is crazy.

[710] And so you can talk and it interacts with you.

[711] It has like an AI element too.

[712] And it's just like she loved it.

[713] But the conversation was like, the mother's like, I miss you.

[714] And the daughter's like, I miss you too.

[715] And it's like, where have you been, mommy?

[716] Do you think about me?

[717] It's like, I do all the time.

[718] And this woman who's wearing a VR headset is standing in a green.

[719] screen room and the daughter comes out from behind like trees and a rocks and she just talks to it the entire it's crazy they had a virtual birthday cake for a 10th birthday oh my god so this is obviously very troubling and disturbing but also it's happening and it's been so like now this is going to become an option it's very black mirror well what did the did they get a chance to interview the mother like what's her reaction to it all did she feel closure did she feel good uh she felt good she said it was a real paradise that was her quote and that it was like three years later i felt sick but now i can confidently feel like basically it was like closure i honestly i can see this going down the route of uh in minority report tom cruise where he gets high off his little uh whatever they are like a little inhalers and then just watch his old videos like holographic videos of his son you could like get like because i think about it all the time of like how it would feel if one of my children died and it would be like you would you would just like go down to a universe of just living there you know it would just want to live there no it would be like uh you know you could totally just lose like never leave that VR area it's so upsetting it was I brought it up because I know you like sci -fi so much in that story but it's pretty wild also as the AI gets better like right now we have we just we hired a data scientist to write uh an algorithm for us that will write jokes And we're doing, trying to create the first AI comedian called Joketron.

[720] And I take them out on stage and we do jokes together.

[721] Obviously.

[722] But the, so I've been like looking a lot into AI and like where they are with like predictive text and stuff like that is pretty crazy.

[723] Like you could have a facsimile of someone relatively easy.

[724] Just with the tech that exists now.

[725] Yeah.

[726] It's a problem.

[727] I would say this is a problem.

[728] Is it a problem?

[729] I mean, like I think it's just going to be something that happens.

[730] Yeah, it's a reality.

[731] That's the other thing.

[732] I did the Oculus thing.

[733] and I did like they did a demo for like creators and writers and I was they were like which one do you want to do and I was like I'll do the hot air balloon in Bali and then I'm looking 360 degrees I'm in a hot air balloon you can see the other people there you can't see where the camera is and then I did like a train ride on the Darling Limla did or whatever it's called and I was like oh no I don't need to go and do that because it was crazy like walking around and being like oh I'm on this train it felt so real that I canceled my flight Yeah, no, I've done VR too once And it is pretty incredible But not necessarily as addictive as I thought And I think that's what they're discovering too Like there is something about Like it's okay to go away a little bit Through a movie Or even 3D is not as big as it was anymore I know video games you have more control And that is VR but I don't know I feel like that story is interesting but also, you know, that costs money.

[734] Sure.

[735] Oh, yeah.

[736] To get that recreated.

[737] So that's like a, that's going to be a situation for rich, richer people.

[738] Yes.

[739] And I think there's going to be other people who are going to choose the option of just trusting their own memories.

[740] Yeah.

[741] And moving forward because I think it would be too painful for some.

[742] Definitely.

[743] I wouldn't do it.

[744] It sounds going.

[745] Yeah, no, it sounds incredibly painful and it sounds like, like living in the past.

[746] And it just because it freaks me out.

[747] And not living with the person.

[748] Like, I don't think that.

[749] really honors what the person that you're it's not what the person would necessarily do so that's not the person I also just it just brings up so many things of like the things that we are going to have to deal with with our children like when they're 17 or 16 and the tech that they're interacting with this stuff like issues that we can't even imagine right now that's true and this would this is like a problem that I wouldn't have been able to imagine that someone just like gets trapped in a VR reality because of an emotional attachment to an AI essentially.

[750] I know.

[751] It's going to, now, those, that's going to be a real problem.

[752] Have you guys gone to a 4DX theater yet and gotten sprayed in the face with water?

[753] No. Oh, you got to go.

[754] Have you?

[755] Oh, my gosh.

[756] Downtown, regal cinema.

[757] I went and saw the Meg.

[758] Incredible experience.

[759] Oh, my God.

[760] You sit in seats that move left and right up and down.

[761] They have fans when helicopters take off, you get blown in the face.

[762] And then on the armrest, they have a button that says water on or water on.

[763] off.

[764] And the water on, whenever the shark jumps out or somebody dives in the water, it sprays you in the face with water.

[765] It's so weird.

[766] When they do a tracking shot over a beach, uh, it's smell, they pump in the smell of copper tone.

[767] No. You gotta go.

[768] And then when people get in a fist fight or being chomped alive by a giant Megalodon, uh, it punches you in the back.

[769] It has little like punching things.

[770] So at its best, you're on a boat.

[771] You're getting wind and water sprayed at you.

[772] Jason Statham gets in a fight.

[773] You're getting punched in the back.

[774] And then the Meg jumps out of the water.

[775] I cannot recommend it enough.

[776] I went and saw bad boys for life in it.

[777] I'm going to go see my spy with it.

[778] I only go see the crem de la crem it's 20 bucks or 25 bucks and it is so fun.

[779] My friend Mike Levinos took a, he didn't know what it was and he went in with his wife and they had a pint of beer and a glass of red wine and the movie started and just threw their alcohol on the air and soaked them.

[780] It is the dumbest most fun way to, you have to go.

[781] We'll go next to a movie.

[782] Let's go together.

[783] Yeah, let's go.

[784] It'll be a thruple.

[785] But also think about the new job that that created where there's a guy who's like, okay, this splash is like a 5 % splash and then like adjust like how much splash you get for the visual image.

[786] Now this way, it's going to be lower kidney punch and then shake, shake, and then one more lower kidney punch.

[787] That's right.

[788] Like has to do that for an entire movie.

[789] We're going to blow them.

[790] We're going to squirt them.

[791] We're going to punch him in the guts, and they're like, this sounds pretty good.

[792] Yeah, I mean, that should be the selling point of it.

[793] So it's like Disneyland meets the movie.

[794] Yeah, it's like that Muppet 3D thing that used to be at MGM, but it's just any movie, and it does feel a little rushed, to Kurt's point, it feels like the guy that did it was like the senior intern, not the new intern, and it's just, they just take you through hell.

[795] $25, Regal Cinema Downtown.

[796] Oh, let's go.

[797] You got one more for me?

[798] I got one more.

[799] Kristen, you want one more?

[800] I love this, I love this.

[801] This is right up your alley.

[802] Mississippi Community Left Confused.

[803] This is from Fox News, and this is by Kathleen Joyce.

[804] Mississippi Community Left Confused after bowls of mashed potatoes mysteriously keep appearing.

[805] Oh, my God.

[806] My favorite story yet.

[807] I love mashed potatoes.

[808] You know me. I know you love mashed potatoes.

[809] And I think you love mysterious mashed potatoes.

[810] I didn't know I did tell now.

[811] This is my favorite one so far.

[812] So literally, they've just.

[813] just been finding bowls, this town, this whole town, has been finding bowls of mashed potato like on their car, like to come out in the morning.

[814] I walked outside yesterday morning, 7 am.

[815] got my car, and that's why I noticed a white bowl on my windshield.

[816] There's another one that was just inside a, uh, inside someone's mailbox, just a thing of mashed potatoes inside a mailbox.

[817] Okay, now, just real quick, when you say just a thing, have they been eaten, are they untouched?

[818] Are they presented with gravy?

[819] Uh, it was not, it was not immediately clear if anyone has eaten the potatoes.

[820] So, no, the potatoes are not eaten.

[821] and it's a fresh bowl of mashed potatoes.

[822] I could see someone just like, oh, I'm done with these mashed potatoes and just leaving them all over town.

[823] All over town, constantly walking around with a bowl of mashed potatoes and finishing them and leaving the ball.

[824] I try to solve the puzzle too.

[825] Please.

[826] Yeah.

[827] Like, let's not condescend.

[828] Oh, I'm sorry.

[829] No, no, of course.

[830] I mean, that just means that you've definitely walked around with a bowl of mashed potatoes, finishing them and just gotten rid of the bowl.

[831] I can just see a Mississippi Free Spirit.

[832] Okay, so.

[833] I love this one.

[834] That is the whole story.

[835] It says, let's see.

[836] You said hundreds?

[837] I mean, that would be amazing.

[838] No, I bet you it's probably around a dozen or so.

[839] Two?

[840] I found two.

[841] It's either like those things are either mental illness where somebody is doing something where they are, they're doing something that we don't know the story, and they're just doing this for a reason.

[842] Or in Mississippi, there are performance artists that are way ahead of what we're doing.

[843] Yep.

[844] And they're like conceptually doing things that we love.

[845] and then at its best they never reveal themselves this stops at some point maybe in 10 years they start up again for a moment I love cereal mashed potatoes I love I mean it's so much better than a cereal shitter do you know what I mean somebody who's like shitting on people's cars That happens a lot too It happens so much There was one in Denver Remember that that one really took off That woman who would always She jogged and shat on people's lawns And then ran away I didn't jogging the other day After drinking all day Oh yeah I was like Remembered like Rob DeLay telling a story how he pulled over and took a shit on a jog and I was like yeah I need to take a ship right here did you did you of course not because I'm a lady oh I've done it I've done it oh have you yeah in the woods in the woods in New Jersey in the woods in New Jersey I ran into the woods and I leaned up against a tree and I took a ship that's fine I had paper towels in my pocket so normal thing to jog with I'm always jogging with paper towels my pocket why did you have paper towels in your pocket I always have paper towels in my pocket at all because it's just to blow my nose, you know, it's like a terrible version of a handkerchief.

[846] Oh, I see.

[847] Yeah, yeah, it's hard, it's gross, it's disgusting.

[848] It hurts like hell.

[849] It hurts like hell.

[850] Yeah, you do it once and you're like, I need to get Claritin Pronto.

[851] I should have just got, I should just have a handkerchief, but no, I don't.

[852] I have always.

[853] You're sort of that kind of guy.

[854] I can't believe you don't have a handkerchief.

[855] I know, thank you.

[856] I feel like I've seen you with a handkerchief.

[857] I used to have a handkerchief, yeah, but they do get gross as well.

[858] You know, you have to wash your handkerchiefs.

[859] You have to have a lot of handkerchiefs of your handkerchief guy.

[860] Yes, of course you have to wash your name.

[861] If you're chieffing it up.

[862] New York's tough for laundry, too.

[863] That's a tough place to do laundry.

[864] So I can understand why you band it there.

[865] Out here when you have it in your house, you're good.

[866] You're good to go.

[867] You're right.

[868] I should get a bunch of very nice handkerchiefs.

[869] With your initials monogram.

[870] Birthday.

[871] We're going to get it for a house.

[872] Yeah.

[873] That's actually with something we could, that'd be great merch.

[874] I would love it.

[875] A little bananas handkerchiefs.

[876] Yeah.

[877] Do you say handker chips?

[878] Look it how excited Scotty got.

[879] Yeah.

[880] Yeah, he loves merch.

[881] He loves merch.

[882] Yeah, but I give my merch away.

[883] I don't, you know, I'm not in it for the money, guys.

[884] I'm in it for the experience.

[885] Oh, do people know about your mudflap thing?

[886] Maryland mudflap.

[887] Probably the 30 to 50 people that really enjoy this podcast are very well aware that I give out a lot of beer coosies and some, you know, scarves and T -shirts and everything.

[888] And swimsuits.

[889] Swimsuits, yeah, those are for sale because I give that money to plan parenthood.

[890] Oh, nice.

[891] Yeah.

[892] Very cool.

[893] Do you got one more story for me?

[894] Follow Maryland mudflap.

[895] On Twiter.

[896] Yeah, on Twiter.

[897] Home of the tweets.

[898] And follow Kurt Brown -Nohler.

[899] And follow Kishol.

[900] This one I think is relatable.

[901] This one's not as dark as my last talking to your dead daughter one.

[902] Okay.

[903] According to CNN, an Uber driver in Virginia has been charged with two counts of abduction, reckless driving, felony hit and run, kidnapping.

[904] Oh, boy.

[905] Wow.

[906] Which I guess is probably also the abduction.

[907] So I won't name this gentleman's name because I don't know if he's guilt or not, but John Murray and his wife, I'm just kidding.

[908] Husband and wife couple were on a rare date night.

[909] After dinner, they used...

[910] Steve Corral and Tina Fey.

[911] There we go.

[912] Great movie.

[913] They use Uber like we all do, to get home.

[914] They thought it was the end of a routine night.

[915] They get in this car and a few box blocks later, they were rear -ended by another driver, their driver stopped and the car takes off.

[916] So their Uber driver starts chasing them.

[917] This live streamed on Facebook.

[918] The initial accident happened.

[919] The husband that was on the date starts filming.

[920] And in the video, it's all very calm and they're just like, oh my gosh, or like what do we need to do.

[921] The wife calls 911.

[922] And then all of a sudden their driver just locks the doors and takes off and starts speeding after the hit and run.

[923] So over the next four and a half minutes they have live streaming on Facebook the video of their driver where they're yelling stop pull over don't like let us out let us out I and then he finally goes the father and mother go we have four kids we can't be driving like this totally gets ignored this guy's like I cannot let him get away with this so the Uber driver takes him on this crazy chase halfway through this chase while they're like pull over pull over pull over and the wife is on with 911 and the operator is going pull over sir do not chase this person do not chase this person they get hit by another call no so after they get hit you hear the impact you see the video the apparently everybody's relatively okay they all got bruises but nobody got seriously hurt the Uber driver takes off again and starts chasing the initial driver even after the second accident so then he's now he's a run away now he's leaving the scene of an accident well yeah twice essentially and so if you well the first time he did it was still the scene right I should have Yeah, yeah, they can hear the impact in the video.

[924] They're screaming.

[925] The 911 operators is like yelling, let them out, like let them out of the car.

[926] And eventually the driver, they're yelling at him so much, he pulls over and they get out.

[927] But it all was live streamed on Facebook.

[928] Oh, wow, I want to see that video.

[929] Have you ever been an accident in Uber or a taxi?

[930] No. I feel like comedians have a lot of these stories now.

[931] Like, I feel like comedians on the road are taking lots of Uber's and lifts.

[932] And now, like, those stories, I'm starting to see more and more.

[933] When you started telling me that story, I thought you were just doing the premise for Camel Nangiani and Issa Ray's new movie.

[934] It is, it is viral marketing for that.

[935] It is.

[936] Lovebirds.

[937] Yeah.

[938] I got $700 to read that story.

[939] Oh, my God.

[940] Already spent it.

[941] That's the problem.

[942] Already spent it.

[943] I was at Boston Market yesterday, and you know I like Boston Market.

[944] I wonder how much food you get at Boston Market for $700.

[945] That's probably like a good...

[946] That's a good test for our listeners.

[947] Take a photo We'll put it on the website Oh my gosh You guys are the new Kilgirap and hard stars Not even Not even Like the smallest Like an eyelash We're an eyelash Have you been an accident In an Uber?

[948] No I have never been an accident in an Uber Yeah the only The last horrible thing that happened to me in a lift Was someone tried to play me their music You know It happens a lot Yeah, I'm a musician, and I was just like, oh, man, I can't say I don't care.

[949] Yeah.

[950] But I seriously don't.

[951] And I just tried to be in my phone.

[952] And then it was like, I'll play you some music.

[953] And I was like, this is torture.

[954] I had one recently, like really recently.

[955] And it was an older gentleman.

[956] He picks me up.

[957] And from the minute I get in, I'm like, hey, sir, I'm Scotty.

[958] How are you?

[959] And he's like, fine.

[960] And then he just starts complaining about everything.

[961] He has political radio on.

[962] But like, somebody says something on the radio.

[963] He's like, de fucking.

[964] And then he, like, goes.

[965] and then it's like a left -hand turn.

[966] He's like, he fucking turns.

[967] And every 15 seconds, excuse me, he's like, this street, these double parkers, these pedestrians, I'm talking every 15 seconds.

[968] I was like, this guy is the least happy, angriest man I've ever been in his car.

[969] So then we're kind of cutting through the city and like somebody, he like waves somebody across the street.

[970] He's like, go, go, he's screaming.

[971] Then we get to this point and there's a little dog, like a little Jack Russell on its owner, and the dog is, just jumping up to like and he goes oh doggy a doggy hi he rolls down the window waves at the doggy he goes hi hi hi hi and then the light turns green he drives and his instantly like these fucker terrific so this guy's whole life is just pure hell it's like truly hell on earth and then when he sees a jumping dog he's just like oh my god oh my god and i'm like it was the weird five stars obviously five stars two dollar tip i give everybody a five star have you ever not given somebody a five star on an Uber?

[972] Never.

[973] I'm five star all the way.

[974] Five star all the way.

[975] It can be a terrible ride.

[976] I'm like five stars.

[977] Yeah.

[978] I'm a lift boy.

[979] I don't really Uber.

[980] I'm a lift guy.

[981] Are there no stars on Lyft?

[982] There are.

[983] I'm five stars on Lyft.

[984] I'm four something on Uber and I feel like Uber drivers were former like black car drivers that hate you the moment you walk out of your house.

[985] I just like it because there's less conversation on an Uber.

[986] Oh, that's interesting.

[987] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[988] That's interesting.

[989] Yeah.

[990] I don't know.

[991] I just don't want to talk and I feel like Uber drivers talk less.

[992] I don't know.

[993] It's probably not true.

[994] I don't know.

[995] Yeah.

[996] I was going up to maybe your old house in Burbank that right when we all moved out here, and the guy picks me up, and he had hands on 10 and 2, and he looked like that guy that was, oh, gosh, it doesn't matter.

[997] But he was like an older, kind of nerdier dude, and he goes, sir, I will get you to your destination safely, but I drive the exact speed limit.

[998] And I go, that's fine.

[999] I don't care.

[1000] Then he cranks up like the song Blue Moon, like the 50s sort of version, that version.

[1001] And when the road was 25 miles an hour, he would make it at 25, at 35, at 35.

[1002] We'd get on the highway, like get on the 5, whatever that is, 55 or 65.

[1003] He would get it up to that level and then exactly there.

[1004] He would break if he went above it.

[1005] He would speed up if you didn't.

[1006] And he drove the exact speed limit the entire way.

[1007] That is literally what it's going to be like when cars drive themselves.

[1008] You essentially were in a driverless.

[1009] Maybe he was.

[1010] Gosh, I got to think of the guy I'm thinking of, but please proceed.

[1011] But it was wild.

[1012] Oh, man. Kristen.

[1013] Five stars, by the way.

[1014] Five stars, of course.

[1015] Yeah.

[1016] Kristen, do you have anything that you would like to plug before we wrap everything up?

[1017] Of course.

[1018] Please.

[1019] I hope that everybody votes blue and also watches Bob's burgers.

[1020] and I mean if you want to rent my spy on DVD or FDX yeah you can't go wrong it's fun for the family also maybe oh Bill and Ted oh yeah that's great in August 21st that would be fun the hot tub show every Monday night every Monday night I think this Monday night will sell out but try to come the other Monday's 15 year anniversary shows well yeah yeah heavy bill and yeah I did that Yeah Guys we have The Bananas Podcast Instagram account And you do Scotty has been filling it out For months Maybe for a full year So it is Chalk with content Wow You can find some of the stories we talked about Today I go to Instagram And it's called The Bananas podcast I'll be in Bloomington, Indiana June 18, 19 to 20 June June.

[1021] June, because this doesn't come out until April, late April.

[1022] I didn't say anything.

[1023] You were just remarking on the month of June?

[1024] It takes her back.

[1025] It does seem far away.

[1026] Scotty, anything coming up?

[1027] Nope, just thanks to Karen and Georgia.

[1028] And exactly right, we're glad to be here.

[1029] Yeah.

[1030] Oh, why are we thinking Karen and Georgia?

[1031] This is their necktale.

[1032] We're under their umbrella.

[1033] Oh, really?

[1034] Yeah.

[1035] This is their studio.

[1036] This is their studio.

[1037] We're in the studio of death.

[1038] This is the studio that murder built.

[1039] Going on.

[1040] They have their own network.

[1041] They reached out and said, it's called exactly right, and they go, Scotty, you and Kurt, specifically just you two have something so unique.

[1042] You don't need a third, no women involved, you too.

[1043] And we said we couldn't agree more.

[1044] And we're so glad to have you as a first guest.

[1045] And Kristen, you want to come back.

[1046] first I'll cut all that stuff in the middle and where Kristen didn't know where she was my favorite murder That's what all the stuff on the walls is Stephen famously And I was like, what the hell And I thought Georgia I was like murder in Georgia Stephen is literally the producer Of all those episodes Congratulations We're never blindfolding a guest again We're going to prep our guests I didn't know No, this isn't some rinky dink This isn't us in the back of a U -Haul truck This is the big time This is the pros Everyone has a podcast I just figure That we just have to have one Yeah Great You can come back whenever you want Kristen, okay?

[1047] You maybe could be Well just reach out Because I don't want to overstep But if this is another excuse you staying out with my friends like hot tub is.

[1048] Let's do it.

[1049] Cheers.

[1050] Cheers to the first episode of bananas.

[1051] Bananas.

[1052] This has been an exactly right production.

[1053] Produced and engineered by Katie Levine.

[1054] Theme song by Kehan Amati.

[1055] And all of our artwork is done by Travis Millard.

[1056] So please follow us on Instagram at The Bananas podcast where we post so many more stories than make it here.

[1057] And you can share with us your strange news story by DMing us on Instagram at the bananas podcast.

[1058] So listen, subscribe, and please leave us a review on Apple Podcast, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1059] Bananas.

[1060] Bananas.