Mental Health, Boundaries + Self-Care during the COVID19 Crisis | Ft Ilyse Kennedy LPC, LMFT-A, PMH-C

[0] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to something was wrong early and ad -free right now.

[1] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[2] I'm Dan Tversky.

[3] In 2011, something strange began to happen at a high school in upstate New York.

[4] A mystery illness, bizarre symptoms, and spreading fast.

[5] What's the answer?

[6] And what do you do if they tell you it's all in your head?

[7] Hysterical.

[8] A new podcast from Wondry and Pineapple Street Studios.

[9] Binge all episodes of hysterical early and ad -free on Wondery Plus.

[10] Something was wrong is intended for mature audiences.

[11] Many episodes discuss topics that can be triggering, such as emotional and physical abuse, suicide, and murder.

[12] Please take caution when listening.

[13] I am not a therapist or a doctor.

[14] Opinions expressed by guests of the show do not necessarily represent the views of this podcast.

[15] If you or someone you know is being abused, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 -800 -799 -7 -2 -33.

[16] If you or someone you love is experiencing a suicidal crisis or thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 -800 -273 -8255.

[17] Thank you.

[18] Hello, hello, friends.

[19] What another wild week it's been.

[20] I'm very thankful that today's episode features Elise Kennedy from Moving Parts psychotherapy in Austin, Texas.

[21] Quickly after the recording, I came down with a slew of symptoms and I have been very sick.

[22] Because of this, yesterday, I was tested for COVID -19.

[23] I will not have the results for three to seven days.

[24] I am already, after four days, feeling a lot of relief from the major symptoms that I was first having that were the most painful.

[25] I did post a little bit about this on Instagram.

[26] I feel like there's a lot of stigma right now about this virus, and it's a very vulnerable topic.

[27] But I did feel like it was important to share.

[28] I will be spending the next, well, I have how many days.

[29] This is the fourth day.

[30] Okay, so I most likely will be in quarantine.

[31] the next 10 days or until I get my test results back.

[32] I was told three to seven days, but I've heard from a lot of folks that obviously there is a huge backup on tests right now.

[33] I am going to be laying low, drinking water, taking some Tylenol, and FaceTiming with my kiddos.

[34] I am already on the mend as far as I can tell, and we're in this together for sure, friends.

[35] I know there are a lot of people sick, sad, hurting right now.

[36] And I again, I'm just sending all of my love and good vibes to each and every one of you.

[37] Stay safe.

[38] Stay home.

[39] Wash your hands.

[40] But stay home.

[41] Stop going places.

[42] Seriously.

[43] Stay home.

[44] The shit sucks.

[45] So, stay home.

[46] Okay.

[47] Love you.

[48] Bye.

[49] me you don't know me where could you just give us kind of a brief overview of who you are and the kind of work that you do yeah absolutely i'm elise kennedy i have a practice called moving parts psychotherapy out of austin texas i'm a licensed professional counselor a licensed marriage and family therapist associate and a certified perinatal mental health professional.

[50] And I see about half children and teens, half adults.

[51] Most of the folks I see have experienced some type of trauma and are coming to me for trauma healing.

[52] And then I also specialize with working with new moms as well.

[53] And a sweet spot for me, especially is intergenerational trauma healing.

[54] So folks that have had trauma passed down through the generations.

[55] wow that's amazing what inspired you to become a therapist so i became a therapist after working in the music industry i at one time worked for a major record label in los angeles and i thought i was going to get to help a lot of small bands gain success and i found out that is not how the music industry works.

[56] And instead, I was working for a lot of whiny white men who didn't really need the help that they were asking me to give them.

[57] And so after I moved to Austin and kind of left the music industry, I decided I wanted to help people who actually needed help.

[58] And I was reading a lot of self -help type books at the time just to figure out what I was going to do next.

[59] And I realized that the self -help books took on a bigger meaning for me than just being self -help books.

[60] I was actually really interested in the brain science behind them.

[61] And so I decided to take a big risk and apply for grad school.

[62] And I wasn't sure if I would get in.

[63] But I did.

[64] and now I'm here and it feels very crazy.

[65] The other thing that inspired me to become a therapist is that I was in therapy myself since I was 10 years old and I've seen all of the benefits in my life.

[66] I know that I'm going to be a therapy lifer.

[67] There's no question that I'll ever discontinue my own therapy because it ebbs and flows in the ways that I need it in my own life and I've seen the incredible effects that therapy has had on me, and so I want to be able to share that with other people.

[68] That's amazing.

[69] I definitely believe in the powers of therapy as well, and I think it's amazing.

[70] And I love that you said lifer because I feel like I fall into that category as well.

[71] Yes.

[72] I am really excited to jump into today's episode, mostly for selfish personal reasons, because I really need some answers to some questions that I've been having floating around in my mind these last few weeks.

[73] And I know you all have as well.

[74] I feel like you have a very human approach to your practice.

[75] And especially during the COVID -19 crisis, I started seeing some of your posts that you were sharing about mental health quarantine and different things like that.

[76] And it really motivated me to ask you to be on the show.

[77] So I really appreciate it.

[78] I feel like you have a very straightforward understanding and calming presence as a therapist.

[79] And so I thought you would be perfect to talk about something that is so complicated right now.

[80] Yes, I'm so honored that my content struck you in that way and that you asked me on the show.

[81] And I think my content lately has also been part of my coping.

[82] I write it as much for my followers as I'm writing it for myself.

[83] because when I put it out on Instagram, it also makes me feel like I have to stick to my words.

[84] And so I think that's a piece of that human approach is that we're all in this together.

[85] And everything I write is also what I'm doing for myself.

[86] That's amazing.

[87] I'm going to just start going through some of the questions.

[88] Some of these I drafted based on conversations that I've had with people in my own life.

[89] And some of these have actually been directly submitted by listeners.

[90] So the first one is during times of crisis, as we're experiencing now in the country, what tools and coping skills are helpful to those of us who are experiencing high levels of anxiety, depression, and perhaps dealing with PTSD triggers?

[91] Right now is not a time to get too crazy with your coping skills.

[92] Right now is a time to go back to basics.

[93] So what I've been thinking about a lot is just, keeping myself regulated on the most basic level.

[94] I do a lot of checking in with my body to notice what body sensations are coming up for me. And if you've never done that before, a good way to start is just basic level noticing when you're hungry, thirsty, tired, and responding to those body sensations.

[95] And then as you get to know your body better, you can respond to more intense sensations.

[96] I've noticed during all of this, when I'm anxious and I'm not aware that I'm anxious yet, I'm usually scrolling rapidly through Instagram or Googling coronavirus plus Austin.

[97] So I'm noticing that my body is moving when I'm anxious, even if it's just moving through the phone.

[98] It's a good time to move your body if you're noticing.

[99] anxiety coming up, it's a good time to eat when you have to eat.

[100] It's a good time to drink water when you're thirsty.

[101] And even basic things like going to the bathroom, we sometimes forget when our anxiety is really coming up or we're experiencing trauma triggers like a lot of us are during this crisis.

[102] Also, if you're a parent regulating yourself and just, making sure that your basic needs are taken care of is so important for letting your kids feel a calm presence when everything is not calm right now and there is so much uncertainty.

[103] It can feel like a lot of pressure to go to the bigger self -care tasks like meditating, which is great.

[104] But if you've never taken up meditating before, it can feel like you're just latching on to whatever you can right now.

[105] And I just want to assure everyone that you do not have to latch on for whatever you can.

[106] It's okay to go back to your basic comforts.

[107] One of my big basic comforts that I can always rely on is RuPaul's Drag Race.

[108] It's the exact same formula every single season.

[109] I know what to expect.

[110] And so that's a calm in my storm right now, just because I know that I can go to it and it's easy and it'll always be the same.

[111] Anything that you can assure yourself is the same.

[112] Anything that you can latch on to that something that you feel like is in your control is great.

[113] It's wonderful if you want to seek big comfort measures or new forms of self -care.

[114] But right now going back to basics is going to be the most important thing.

[115] I love that you highlighted that because I feel like for myself, being that I've gone through traumas in my life and spend through crisis before, I tend to completely void taking care of myself very quickly.

[116] Like my instinct is just to take care of my kids and my husband and my house.

[117] And like the first few days, I'm like cleaning 12 hours of day, not drinking water, not eating, only having coffee.

[118] And then I'm wondering why I'm like spiring out of control, feeling so much anxiety and I had to take a moment and talk to myself and be like okay well first of all you need to get an eight hour like as much sleep as possible then you need to maybe drink water then you need to maybe eat breakfast like you're not going to this is already like you said it's already such a like emotional time that just making sure that we are you know not hungry or angry or you know whatever else we've got brewing inside of us and just sort of like settling that down is kind of enough task in itself right now.

[119] Absolutely.

[120] And you bring up such a good point.

[121] And this is something I've seen in friends.

[122] It's something I've seen in myself.

[123] It's something I've seen in my clients that we tend to go into this mode where we want everything to be okay because everything is not okay.

[124] And we start piling on all the tasks that we need to get done and guilting ourselves because we're at home so obviously we should be cleaning and trying to homeschool our kids and making sure that they're not just watching Daniel Tiger all day but right now it's okay to just check in with our basic needs because that's going to be the first place to start in self -care and those are always the first things to go out the window when we're in crisis we forget to eat, like you said.

[125] We forget to drink water.

[126] We forget to get enough sleep.

[127] And of course, anxiety is not sleep's friend.

[128] So if we're first focusing on our basic needs, then we can start to tune into the extra needs that come along.

[129] And you can train for that marathon that you've been hoping to get to when everyone can be around humans again.

[130] But your only task right now is just to take care of yourself and if you have other people around you to take care of the people around you at a basic level.

[131] I'm Dan Taberski.

[132] In 2011, something strange began to happen at the high school in Leroy, New York.

[133] I was like at my locker and she came up to me and she was like stuttering super bad.

[134] I'm like, stop fucking around.

[135] She's like, I can't.

[136] A mystery illness, bizarre symptoms and spreading fast.

[137] Like doubling and tripling and it's all these girls.

[138] With a diagnosis, the state tried to keep on the download.

[139] Everybody thought I was holding something back.

[140] Well, you were holding something back.

[141] Intentionally.

[142] Yeah, well, yeah.

[143] No, it's hysteria.

[144] It's all in your head.

[145] It's not physical.

[146] Oh, my gosh, you're exaggerating.

[147] Is this the largest mass hysteria since the Witches of Salem?

[148] Or is it something else entirely?

[149] Something's wrong here.

[150] Something's not right.

[151] Leroy was the new date line and everyone was trying to solve the murder.

[152] A new limited series from Wondery and Pineapple Street Studios, hysterical.

[153] Follow hysterical on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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[155] Scammers are best known for living the high life until they're forced to trade it all in for handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit once they're finally caught.

[156] I'm Sachi Cole.

[157] And I'm Sarah Hagey.

[158] And we're the host of scam influencers, a weekly podcast from Wondery that takes you along the twists and turns of some of the most infamous scams of all time.

[159] the impact on victims, and what's left once the facade falls away.

[160] We've covered stories like a Shark Tank certified entrepreneur who left the show with an investment, but soon faced mounting bills, an active lawsuit followed by Larry King, and no real product to push.

[161] He then began to prey on vulnerable women instead, selling the idea of a future together while stealing from them behind their backs.

[162] To the infamous scams of Real Housewives stars like Teresa Judice, what should have proven to be a major downfall only seem to solidify her place in the Real Housewives Hall of Fame.

[163] Follow Scamfluencers on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[164] You can listen to Scamfluencers early and ad -free right now on Wondry Plus.

[165] I love that you touched on that you work with a lot of teens and younger folks as well because I've got three kids at home.

[166] I have a niece who's, she's nearing 18, but I still think of her as like my little baby.

[167] And I've been trying to just basically remain as calm as possible and talk to them in as simple of terms as possible, but what are the boundaries that we need to have with our kids, especially considering we're all in really close quarters right now?

[168] Yeah, so to start off with the little ones, the little ones are going to notice that we're all at home.

[169] They're going to notice that if they're in a preschool program or some sort of daycare program that they're not going for an extended period of time, they're going to notice their parents' nervous energy because even if we are not outright saying that we're having nervous energy or we're feeling the stress, kids completely take on our stress.

[170] The other day, I was having a really anxious day doing a lot of my anxious scrolling, and my daughter had a temper tantrum out of nowhere.

[171] She's four.

[172] She decided she was refusing to get dressed that day, and that was that.

[173] And even, even, Even as a therapist, I still am totally figuring it out with my own kids because every kid is different.

[174] And as much as I want to do all the positive discipline and follow all the books I read, I am human and it is normal to be human and it is normal to be an imperfect parent.

[175] But later as I was thinking about her tantrum and her wanting to keep her PJs on all day, because for me, I'm trying to get dressed in my regular clothes every day because that's what makes me. me feel good and feel like life is kind of normal in a completely abnormal time.

[176] But I realized for her, this was her way to gain some control.

[177] And it was also a day where I was feeling more of my stress and anxiety.

[178] And I have a feeling she was noticing that.

[179] And so she was trying to gain control over that nervous energy that I was outputting.

[180] For the young ones, no matter how old they are, even if they're a baby, it's important that we're acknowledging that this is a strange time.

[181] For kids who are like two, three, and four, it's okay to frame it as there's a sickness going around.

[182] It can put people in danger and they can become very sick and we're staying in the house to keep others safe.

[183] We're doing it for our community.

[184] It's going to be kind of weird.

[185] We're all going to do the best we can.

[186] It's going to be disappointing that things are going to be canceled and that we can't see our friends as often as we'd like, but this is our reality for right now, and we're going to make the best of it, and to answer any questions that they have in an age -appropriate way.

[187] For kids who are a little older and have more of an understanding around technology, even kids as young as 6, 7, 8 have an understanding and access to technology.

[188] And so they may be reaching out and talking to friends about it.

[189] They may be seeking news out on their own.

[190] And so for those kids, it's going to be really important to sit with them, allow them to ask any questions that they have, and answer in an honest way, but a way that expresses some of the danger but doesn't up their anxiety.

[191] So acknowledging, like, we're worried because, like, if grandma and grandpa were to get this, it could really negatively affect them if your kid is okay with this.

[192] If you know that your kid isn't as high anxiety, it's okay to be honest with them that people are dying from this, but really check in to make sure that something that your kid can take in, it's okay to just say like it's very dangerous and people are really struggling when they get sick with this.

[193] For teens and older kids that for sure have access to technology and are going to be talking to their friends about it, and I've noticed a lot of teens are really struggling with being isolated from their friends, it's going to be really, really important to be very frank and honest about the gravity of the situation.

[194] Again, hopefully not in a way that scares them, but I've even seen in a lot of the mom message boards that I'm a part of, moms fearing that their kid is going to sneak out at night because their kids are threatening to go sneak out to meet up with friends.

[195] And so we really need to relate to them why that's a safety issue.

[196] And when we go back to the community aspect of it, it makes it a little easier and less scary to settle in a teen system that we're all doing this as a community so that hopefully the virus can die down and we can go back to seeing our friends sooner.

[197] So if we take these measures now, we'll be able to see friends sooner than if we didn't take these measures.

[198] And so the virus doesn't get even more out of hand.

[199] I love that.

[200] That's so helpful.

[201] When you were saying that about like laying low now, I don't know why I've, there's been so much mindless scrolling lately, but Cardi B keeps going into my mind because she recorded a video the other day on Instagram and she's like telling the kids like, listen, you better stay home now or you're going to ruin my summer, okay?

[202] And I love the summer.

[203] So seriously, stay home now.

[204] And I thought that it's kind of comical and she's hilarious, but like it's true, right?

[205] I think all of us can be motivated by the fact that like, hey, the weather isn't exactly beautiful right now, but it will be in a few months.

[206] I mean, even those sort of simple things for kids, I think, are a lot easier to understand.

[207] Sacrifice may be now, but you know what?

[208] Hopefully we'll be through this in a couple months and it'll be summertime.

[209] You'll be able to be outside more, you know.

[210] Exactly.

[211] And Cardi B is like the Buddha of our generation.

[212] So I love her so much.

[213] We need to preserve ourselves now because otherwise there will be no hot girl summer.

[214] That's right.

[215] That's a great way to put it to teens.

[216] But also another thing to on about helping your teens and children who are maybe tweens or a little bit older.

[217] If you're noticing they're really struggling with not seeing their friends, know that even if they're not outwardly showing the stress that they're taking on, they're stressed out too.

[218] This is a weird time for everyone.

[219] And so even though I imagine most of them are way more technologically savvy than all of us are reminding them of ways that they can still talk to their friends and they can feel like their friends are there could be helpful because when we're disregulated, sometimes we're just not able to access the part of our brain that can come up with good ideas.

[220] So letting them know creative ways that they can still talk with their friends and access their friends might be helpful for them if they're just catastrophizing and thinking they'll never see their friends again.

[221] And another thing I just want to highlight too about talking to kids about this, it's really important that we're honest with them about the emotions that we're having because when they don't understand why there's a weird vibe in the home, they can feel our stress in their little bodies.

[222] And if they don't have understanding around it, they're going to think that that's about them.

[223] So it's really important that, we're honest with our feelings and we tell them, like, I'm scared or I'm anxious.

[224] I know and hope that we're going to be okay, but I'm feeling some uncertainty and letting them know that it's not about them, that it's about you, so that they don't take it on as something that's about them.

[225] And it's okay if you're noticing that you're snapping at your kids or not being the type of parent that you'd like to be right now.

[226] It's more than okay to make the repair apologize to them and just say like I'm feeling the extra stress today.

[227] I'm having a hard time being in the house.

[228] When we're honest with them, it helps them better understand and they don't take it on as something that's about them.

[229] I love that you highlighted that because I think that's so important and that was really eye -opening for me. So thank you.

[230] Yeah.

[231] What other strategies would you recommend for folks who are kind of just trying to figure out working from home in a mentally healthy way.

[232] Yes.

[233] So first of all, I want to speak to working at home while having kids at home because that's a completely unique experience and a really difficult one.

[234] A lot of families are having to juggle, having the kids at home, and working from home.

[235] And I just want to let parents know that it's okay to do the least amount possible right now.

[236] You're not expected to be an incredible homeschooler and an incredible employee.

[237] It's just not possible.

[238] We had no playbook for what would happen during a pandemic.

[239] We're all figuring it out.

[240] This was something completely unexpected.

[241] And so I'm also figuring it out as I go along and figuring out what works best.

[242] Guilting yourself about not being there for your kids and guilting yourself about not being the wonderful employee that you would like is only going to dig you into a deeper hole of guilt.

[243] And so just holding some compassion for yourself and recognizing how hard this is is going to be huge.

[244] I think it's also hard because kids think that because your home, they may get extra time with you and that just may not be possible.

[245] And so planning things with your kids that can be something special for you guys to have to do after the work is done can be a helpful way to connect even though you can't fully connect with them during the day.

[246] I also think about that viral video of the newscaster whose little kid walked in behind him while he was being interviewed, or not the newscaster, but he was being interviewed on the news and his little kid walked in behind him.

[247] And that's been going around a lot as like this is what working from home looks like there may be a kid screaming on your conference call and that's okay everyone has to understand that there may be a dog barking literally everyone is just doing the best they can right now so just holding compassion is the biggest thing you can do for yourself another thing that could be helpful for everyone working from home whether or not you have kids around is creating a workspace for yourself that feels good to you.

[248] Any way that you can make your workspace feel like your own, even if you're having to work in the bedroom, is going to be so helpful during this very weird time.

[249] Some listeners as well as myself are dealing with some trauma triggers, the social distancing, isolation.

[250] I feel like there's just so many emotional elements and things that could be triggering people right now.

[251] What do you recommend?

[252] as a therapist or what can they do to maybe sort of curb their anxiety and comfort themselves right now?

[253] Yeah.

[254] The first thing I want to say is that it's completely normal right now for all of us to have heightened anxiety, to have heightened depression, and to be experiencing some trauma triggers.

[255] Even if you're not a trauma survivor, even if you've not experienced much anxiety before.

[256] It's completely normal to be experiencing it now.

[257] The first thing that I want to recognize, too, is that we're all in survival mode right now.

[258] There's a virus outside that is unpredictable that we don't know much about and that we're staying indoors to protect ourselves from, as well as protect the people around us.

[259] So that unpredictability and that survival mode can definitely lead to having some trauma triggers come up.

[260] So it's totally normal to be in survival mode right now.

[261] As trauma survivors, our survival mechanisms, which I don't know if you've heard the terms like fight, flight, and freeze, go off automatically to protect us.

[262] So our nervous system will jump into fight, flight, or freeze when it feels like we're in danger.

[263] A lot of times, actually, typically, this happens before we even recognize that it's coming on.

[264] So you might recognize, like, the urge to run, like your legs may feel really restless.

[265] You may recognize that you're shutting down.

[266] You may recognize that you're staring off into space for a while and not notice until you kind of come to.

[267] All of those mechanisms are completely normal and designed to protect us.

[268] So we don't want to try to get rid of them.

[269] Now is the time to hold compassion and grace for those mechanisms and recognize that the human body and brain is incredible.

[270] And just like you've survived your past traumas, this is a trauma that your body and brain is jumping into action to help you survive too.

[271] So we don't want to try to get rid of our trauma triggers or work against them right now.

[272] As you're noticing what's coming up for you, something that can be helpful is to give into the mechanisms a little, not to the point where it's uncomfortable.

[273] Like I notice one of my mechanisms can be feeling like I need to run away.

[274] And so rather than fighting against that and trying to get myself to stand still, I've been going on two walks a day with my kids so that I'm moving my legs and giving into that need to run.

[275] I am unfortunately not an actual runner, never have been, probably never will be, but the walking at least moves my legs in the way that they need to move.

[276] If you're noticing you're experiencing the shutdown or the freeze, instead of trying to get rid of it and shake it off, you might need to rest more, and that's okay.

[277] This is another time that we're just recognizing the signals that our body is giving us and going back to the basic needs.

[278] It's okay to nap and we're in a time where we're really lucky to have a bit more time during the day to possibly nap.

[279] You want to work for these mechanisms that are coming up, not against them.

[280] I never thought about freeze in response to something like this and I do find myself like I'll sit down and I'm supposed to be doing something and I'm like grabbing a pen.

[281] Like five minutes goes by and I'm like, oh, I've been staring at this wall for like five minutes thinking about, you know, stuff I really don't need to be thinking about or just random stuff.

[282] And it's kind of comforting to hear that that's a normal response because I've noticed an uptick of that over the last few weeks where I just sort of am intending to do one thing.

[283] And then I find myself finally sort of sitting down and pausing.

[284] And it's like I get stuck almost.

[285] Yes.

[286] So the freeze mechanism is an interesting one because it's almost like our play dead response.

[287] So I think about opossums when they come up against a predator in the wild, instead of charging for the predator, you'll see them just freeze.

[288] We actually had an unfortunate little guy who got caught in our trap.

[289] that was meant for a pesky raccoon that was using our attic as a bachelor pad.

[290] Oh, no. And this poor opossum got stuck in the trap instead of the raccoon.

[291] And even though my husband released the trap for it, it stayed there for hours, just completely frozen, playing dead.

[292] The freeze response is our human play dead response.

[293] sometimes it's a lot easier to submit to a predator than it is to try to fight against them.

[294] And so that's all that is.

[295] And it's just another way that our body is trying to survive right now.

[296] So no fear if you're noticing yourself staring at a wall for minutes or hours on end.

[297] That's just what your body is trying to do.

[298] to protect you.

[299] I am also feeling, and I've noted, a lot of trauma survivors are feeling kind of oddly calm and almost comforted.

[300] And one friend explained it to me this way.

[301] She said, I'm normally freaking out having anxiety and being indoors all the time.

[302] And now the world is doing it with me. And that feels oddly comforting to me. Can you speak on that a little bit about how some of our responses might not feel like, quote, appropriate, but they're the way we're feeling.

[303] Yeah, first of all, that's such a lovely sentiment that your friend had.

[304] I'm really touched by that, that she felt as though now the world is doing it with her, which really speaks to this community response that we've seen that we're all in this together right now.

[305] I was just telling my therapist that even as a mental health professional, I'm maybe two steps ahead of everyone else.

[306] I have been thinking a lot about what to do for my own self -care and putting it into action so that I'm able to be present and hold the anxieties and trauma responses of my clients.

[307] But also, the pandemic has really leveled the playing field to where I don't know what's going on either.

[308] I don't have much more information than everyone else, and we're all figuring this out together.

[309] But to speak to the trauma survivors who are noticing that they feel oddly calm in all of this, as a trauma survivor, this is literally what you've prepared for your entire life.

[310] I always tell people that the trauma survivors, and I'm one myself, as well as I've worked through a lot of anxiety in my life, we're the people that you want to be with during a zombie apocalypse because we have already stored all of the canned food we have the flashlights i had all the lysol i didn't need to spend a hundred dollars on it um on ebay we're the people that you want to be with we've survived before and we know that we'll survive again this has strangely been a time that a lot of trauma survivors And a lot of anxious tending people have been like, yes, I've been telling you guys that this would happen.

[311] Why are you surprised?

[312] Like, I knew that the world was going to fall apart and everything would be a disaster.

[313] Now you believe me. So there's that aspect of it that this is literally what we've trained for.

[314] We've prepared for the hunger games and we have no fear about getting through it.

[315] The other aspect of it is if you're a trauma survivor that maybe tends toward introversion and likes to keep to yourself and have your own way of doing things, this is an awesome way to not have to go out.

[316] Like here's your excuse.

[317] You're allowed to stay in your home for weeks on end.

[318] It gives us an excuse to just turn inward and have the safety of your home.

[319] Right now, although in certain circumstances where I think of like folks who are experiencing domestic violence or children who are experiencing violence, the home is not a safe place, but for a lot of us right now, our homes are a safe place and even the government is telling us that our homes are a safe haven.

[320] And so it's a wonderful excuse to have our homes be the place that keep us safe and to not have to go out into the world.

[321] So I think of it in those two different ways that we've been preparing for this all our lives and our homes equal safety right now.

[322] Sometimes there is a lot of blessing in calm and nothingness, you know?

[323] Absolutely.

[324] And the other thing I want to speak to is for trauma survivors, our systems are sometimes used to the case.

[325] chaos and calm is actually really upsetting to the system.

[326] It doesn't feel right to have a calm environment.

[327] And so the fact that there's chaos looming on the outside lets our system know like, okay, we're in chaos so we can be calm in the home.

[328] The other side of the coin is that for some trauma survivors, the calm and peacefulness and not having as much to do in the home could be disconcerting.

[329] So you just have to pay attention to how your system works because it's going to be different for everyone.

[330] No trauma survivor has the same responses and you have to learn your body and how things feel for you.

[331] And again, bring in the compassion for that, that your body is responding to everything in the best way that it can.

[332] Your brain is responding to everything in the best way that it can.

[333] Compassion for those that are thriving in the chaos and compassion for those that are experiencing discomfort in the calm.

[334] What would you highlight as important to sort of keep in mind when we are trying to really lean into our patience and recognize that we are feeling maybe that pressure or the annoyance, for lack of a better term, of just being around the same people all the time.

[335] Yes, and I'm wanting to acknowledge my human parts around this too, because again, I'm only about two steps ahead of the rest of you.

[336] My husband and I just got in a fight this morning about workspace, and I think a lot of it was all of the built -up pressure right now.

[337] I've noticed, too, that my kids are stir crazy, and it's especially difficult on the days that it's raining.

[338] I think right now it's so important to make a plan, set boundaries, and be okay with not sticking to that plan, be okay with the boundaries and the plan having some flexibility, because first of all, we don't know how long this is going to last right now.

[339] We don't know what the ups and downs will be around our own emotions and the emotions of people around us, and we have to have room to let all of that in.

[340] So check in with the people around you.

[341] Obviously for parents with young kids, you have to come up with more of a plan for your kids.

[342] So I've started off my plan having a lot of flexibility where the only things I'm putting into our schedule is I'm trying to wake up at a decent time and check in with how early I need to get up, like if it's a day that I need to enjoy some coffee by myself before the chaos ensues, or if it's a day I can sleep in a little and I'm okay being woken up by my built -in alarm clock children.

[343] But our only schedule right now is meals.

[344] So breakfast, lunch, and dinner, snacks are kind of happening whenever.

[345] And we do our very best to get out on two walks a day.

[346] For us, we are trying to get out even if it's raining.

[347] because we need the fresh air, but everyone's family works completely differently.

[348] And for a lot of us, we're just getting used to this new normal.

[349] And so you might not recognize yet what works well for your family and what works well with your partner or your roommate.

[350] And so just being comfortable with that uncertainty and the wait and see of it all is okay too.

[351] If you're noticing that you're having a lot more conflict, if you're noticing that your kids are having a really hard time, then try a few different ways of being.

[352] Some kids need less structure and some kids need more structure.

[353] Some spouses need more boundaries and some spouses need less boundaries.

[354] I know for me as an introvert, I need my alone time and it's a lot for me to not get my drives where I can listen to my podcasts.

[355] And so So I might have to listen to my podcasts while I'm on a walk with my kids and be a little disconnected from them and just know that that's okay for right now because that's my way of getting a little alone time and a little self -care.

[356] We're getting it in however we can right now.

[357] But I think at least having a few things in a schedule for yourself, even if that's scheduling with your partner or roommate when you get alone time is going to be really helpful because it just allows everyone to know what to expect.

[358] And right now, as I said before, basic needs are what's most important because it's so chaotic out in the world right now.

[359] And so even if all you're scheduling in is your basic needs, that's okay.

[360] We can turn toward ourselves with compassion.

[361] If your kids need a full homeschool schedule and that's what works for your family, that's awesome.

[362] But just allow some flexibility for your schedule.

[363] She struck him with her motor vehicle.

[364] She had been under the influence that she left him there.

[365] In January 2022, local woman Karen Reed was implicated in the mysterious death of her boyfriend, Boston police officer John O 'Keefe.

[366] It was alleged that after an innocent night out for drinks with friends.

[367] Karen and John got into a lover's quarrel en route to the next location.

[368] What happens next?

[369] Depends on who you ask.

[370] Was it a crime of passion?

[371] If you believe the prosecution, it's because the evidence was so compelling.

[372] This was clearly an intentional act.

[373] And his cause of death was blunt force trauma with hypothermia.

[374] Or a corrupt police cover -up.

[375] If you believe the defense theory, however, this was all a cover -up to prevent one of their own from going down.

[376] Everyone had an opinion.

[377] And after the 10 -week trial, the jury could not come to a unanimous decision.

[378] To end in a mistrial, it's just a confirmation of just how complicated this case is.

[379] Law and crime presents the most in -depth analysis to date of the sensational case in Karen.

[380] You can listen to Karen exclusively with Wondery Plus.

[381] Join Wondery Plus in the Wondry app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.

[382] For folks who are struggling with how to respond to extroverted friends reaching out for connection and feeling like you don't have enough energy to give them, first of all, I want to clarify a little bit about introversion and extroversion because most of us have introverted and extroverted parts of ourselves.

[383] All it means to be introverted is that we recharge when we spend time alone and for extroverts they recharge when they spend time around other people.

[384] So some of us have introverted parts of ourselves that need to spend some time alone and some of us have extroverted parts of ourselves that thrive off spending time around other people and it's just how you recharge your energy.

[385] So I think a great way to set those boundaries with extrovert inverted friends who feel like, who you feel like are needing connection, is to just be honest with them.

[386] We all are spending a lot of energy right now on stress related to the coronavirus, and it's made a lot of changes in all of our lives, and that's a lot to process.

[387] I've noticed a lot of people are also processing all of it in chunks.

[388] Like for some people, it really didn't hit them until this week, especially since for a lot of kids and families last week was spring break.

[389] And so we don't know when the stress will build up and hit us.

[390] Something as small as trying to figure out how the heck to get groceries, which actually right now is not a small thing, can really build a lot of stress.

[391] And so just being completely honest with your extroverted friends who are looking to reach out because all they're doing is seeking connection.

[392] So instead of completely rejecting them, you can just say, I really don't have the energy to connect right now.

[393] Would you be free at this time?

[394] Or I really don't have the energy to connect right now.

[395] Could we check in tomorrow?

[396] That way, you're letting them know that you're not breaking off the connection or abandoning them in a time that they may be stressed out.

[397] You're simply letting them know that you don't have.

[398] have the energy for it right now and hopefully they would respect that boundary to build more connection with each other and community while we're social distancing and this one i've actually found has really been wonderful for my introverted parts that don't necessarily want to have a full chat one thing that i've been really enjoying doing with friends is we have watchalongs of different TV shows so we'll set up FaceTime and start a show at the exact same time.

[399] It truly is an art to get it synced correctly, but I have friends that we've been watching old seasons of drag race or the Real Housewives of New York, and you don't have to talk the whole time because you're both watching the show, but then you kind of laugh along at the same parts and make little comments.

[400] And it's a nice way to not take as much of yours, social energy but still be connecting with someone.

[401] I've also noticed a lot of communities coming together on Facebook in different Facebook groups.

[402] People are really willing right now to reach out and help folks who are immunocompromised or elderly people in the neighborhood who might not be able to get groceries or even offering child care for health care workers that are having to work right now.

[403] It's a great time to look for a community on Instagram and other social media.

[404] It's a great time to be doing group chats with your friends on FaceTime when you have the energy.

[405] There's an app on the iPhone called House Party where you can actually play trivia games with people, which is really cool.

[406] In some senses, we're a lot luckier.

[407] Well, in many senses, we're luckier than the pandemics that happened in the early 1900s, because now we have so many ways to be connected with each other, even at a distance.

[408] And when we reach out, people really do respond.

[409] I've even noticed when I take walks, even from six feet away, a lot more people are stopping to say hello or waving to each other.

[410] And people are looking to get outside.

[411] but respecting the social distance, I hope.

[412] So that's been really nice, too, just to make other human connection right now.

[413] It's so important that even though we're socially distancing, we're not socially cutting ourselves off.

[414] Humans are literally primed for connection.

[415] We're made to have connection with people.

[416] And so even for the introverted folks who need a little less connection, it's really important that we turn toward the people that we can right now and reach out.

[417] And it's cool that in some ways, because we're all going through this big major thing together, there's more connection than ever before.

[418] We're all dealing with something in a different way, but we're all dealing with the same thing.

[419] Thank you so much to Elise Kennedy at Moving Parts.

[420] Psychotherapy.

[421] Check out her website, Moving Parts Psychotherapy .com, and follow her on Instagram at Moving Parts Psychotherapy.

[422] You won't be disappointed.

[423] Thank you so much, friends, and stay safe.

[424] You think you know me, you don't know me well at all.

[425] You think you know me, you don't know me well.

[426] Something Was Wrong is written, recorded, edited, and produced by me, Tiffany Reese.

[427] Music by Gladrags.

[428] Follow me on Instagram at Looky Boo, L -O -O -K -I -E -B -O -O.

[429] Resources mentioned on the podcast can be found, linked in the episode notes, or at something was wrong .com slash episodes.

[430] If you would like to help support the growth of something was wrong, please consider leaving a five -star review on iTunes, supporting the podcast on patreon.

[431] supporting our sponsors or sharing it with your friends and family thank you if you like something was wrong you can listen early and ad free right now by joining Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on apple podcasts prime members can listen ad free on amazon music before you go tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery .com slash survey