#32 - Bryan Callen

[0] Ladies and gentlemen, BAM!

[1] We are live with my pal, Brian Callen.

[2] Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Callen.

[3] Thank you.

[4] Good to be here.

[5] An honor to be here.

[6] A pleasure.

[7] An honor to have you, sir.

[8] Thank you.

[9] My longest running friend in Hollywood.

[10] I think so, right?

[11] Yeah, for sure.

[12] 20 years?

[13] Yeah, we've been friends a long ass time.

[14] Almost 20 years.

[15] Yeah.

[16] 94 or something like that?

[17] People still come up to me. It was 1995 and people still come up to me and ask me if we're half brothers.

[18] You were the one who introduced me. I used to say it on Wikipedia.

[19] That's right.

[20] IMDB, one of those.

[21] It's a rumor I like keeping alive.

[22] Yeah, I keep it alive.

[23] I never refute it.

[24] Yeah, either do I. Now, I think you were the one who told me about Gracie Jiu Jitsu.

[25] Yeah.

[26] I remember that.

[27] I remember we connected immediately.

[28] Yeah, totally.

[29] You show up in a, those guys are all just low blood sugar, just a bunch of actors.

[30] All of a sudden, this guy I see, I'm like, wait a minute, that guy looks like me, but he's thicker and he looks way more extreme.

[31] And you had a 10 -time one and you were like impossibly muscular.

[32] I was like, that guy looks like he fights.

[33] And you're like, yeah, I fight.

[34] I like to fight.

[35] I need to fight.

[36] I need to be in class.

[37] Otherwise, I'll end up in jail.

[38] And I was like, that guy's going to be my friend forever.

[39] We connected so quick right away with everything.

[40] Every retarded thing.

[41] We love pit bulls.

[42] And we both know it's retarded.

[43] That's the difference.

[44] All of my extreme macho psycho shit, I know it's fucked up.

[45] I know.

[46] Like, I know my tattoos are fucked up.

[47] I know my neck is too big.

[48] I don't give a fuck.

[49] You know?

[50] I know my car is too loud.

[51] I don't care.

[52] I like it.

[53] You've always been my canary in the coal mine.

[54] You as well.

[55] As long as I know you're still out there alive, someone's rocking it the right way.

[56] No doubt.

[57] I remember that time we spent literally a whole day.

[58] We were looking for pit bulls for me. I was like, I want Jaws on a leash.

[59] I just want a life support system for Jaws.

[60] You're like, all right, me too.

[61] And so we ended up looking, and I saw this one ad that said, there's no bull in our pits.

[62] And we get there, and this guy clearly fought his piss.

[63] Oh, yeah, that guy.

[64] Do you know what happened?

[65] You know what happened with that dog?

[66] Oh, yeah, the dog that killed the goats.

[67] It killed goats.

[68] It attacked a baby cow.

[69] They had to shoot it to death.

[70] Meanwhile, it was this 35 -pound little dog.

[71] That's what people don't know about pit bulls.

[72] The really crazy ones aren't like the big muscle ones.

[73] The really crazy ones are the little ones because they can...

[74] pick them up and move them around easier and fight.

[75] This thing looked like a beagle.

[76] Yeah, they're bred.

[77] They're not bred for, like, they're bred to fight in weight classes.

[78] The baddest motherfuckers are these little 35 -pounders, and that's what he had.

[79] The dog did not look like a pit bull.

[80] Like, if you think of a pit bull, you think of this, like, crazy muscular concoction of science and breeding.

[81] Like a fleshlight.

[82] Oh, that's right.

[83] We've got to talk about this before we get going.

[84] We are sponsored by the fleshlight.

[85] We have a sponsor for our podcast, and we're supposed to talk about it in the beginning of the show.

[86] If you've never used one of these things, I highly recommend it.

[87] I know you are a fellow pervert.

[88] You've got to feel that.

[89] I sure am.

[90] And I have not fucked that.

[91] You haven't?

[92] Smell it.

[93] Smell it.

[94] That's the butthole version.

[95] Oh, that's the butthole version.

[96] And, dude, it's way better than beating off.

[97] I mean, it's a fucking incredible invention.

[98] Yeah, well, I've seen these used in porn, not that I ever watched porn.

[99] It should be something that every man has, for real.

[100] Because, look, if you masturbate and you do, okay, everyone does.

[101] Come on, you don't have 50 bucks laying around to give yourself some pleasure?

[102] There's a lot of girls who you won't call after you fuck up.

[103] I'm going to be honest with you.

[104] I'm sticking my finger in this.

[105] It's true, it's true.

[106] This feels really good.

[107] It feels awesome.

[108] Dude, there's a lot of girls.

[109] There's a lot of girls you would not, especially when you're young and dumb and your dick is totally leading your life.

[110] That shit could save your career.

[111] That shit could push you in a positive direction.

[112] It's true.

[113] They have gay ones where it's little butts.

[114] So instead of like the cheeks, it's like little butt cheeks.

[115] Have you seen that?

[116] Really?

[117] Yeah.

[118] Fleshlight .com or go to Joe's website.

[119] If you go to my website, you click on the link, there's like a 15 % discount you get.

[120] So you have to talk about that at the beginning.

[121] But you know what?

[122] I would talk about it anyway.

[123] Just if I didn't know and then I found out, people need to know.

[124] Yeah.

[125] I'm surprised those things aren't more popular.

[126] Fantastic.

[127] But yeah, these little pit bulls, back to our story.

[128] You had the craziest little guy.

[129] He was awesome.

[130] Well, you had Squiggy, I remember, wasn't it?

[131] Squeaky Fum.

[132] Yeah, Squeaky Fum.

[133] Squiggy killed my dog.

[134] Yeah, she was a coffee table.

[135] I've never seen a dog that big.

[136] She looked like an alligator.

[137] And the reason why I got this fucking dog, this dog was a prison dog, right?

[138] This dog was in the, like literally in the LA pound.

[139] It was in the pound.

[140] I called you from the pound.

[141] It was there for a while.

[142] Nobody wanted this dog.

[143] This crazy little muscular pit bull.

[144] And Brian calls me with his ex -girlfriend, who's also fucking crazy.

[145] Patty Jenkins, who is the director of that movie Monster.

[146] One of the coolest chicks ever.

[147] She's nuts, too.

[148] So they're both nuts, and they're both talking about this pit bull that I have to rescue.

[149] So they call me up and tell me I have to rescue this.

[150] And I'm like, fuck.

[151] So I already have two dogs, right?

[152] And I make the cardinal sin of bringing a female home to another female.

[153] You cannot do that.

[154] Not with pit bulls anyway.

[155] No way.

[156] You can't do it with any dogs, apparently.

[157] Why don't you go to a pound to get a pit bull?

[158] That seems like even pit bulls are dangerous.

[159] His friend Brian Callen took one look at the dog and went, I said to Patty, I go, if Joe sees this dog, he's going to adopt it.

[160] He cannot resist.

[161] Here's the problem.

[162] I'm a retard, okay?

[163] And he's a retard as well.

[164] And all retards need is another retard to agree with them and then to just do something and think it's totally normal.

[165] That's how Vegas was started.

[166] Her mentality.

[167] Just her mentality.

[168] All right, I'll buy it.

[169] So just because it was already in his head, I was so susceptible.

[170] I was like, yeah, really?

[171] What'd she look like?

[172] She's got a fucking giant head, and she's so solid.

[173] She looks like an alligator.

[174] She looks like an alligator with pit bull legs.

[175] Meanwhile, she was the sweetest dog ever, but she hated other dogs.

[176] Hated them.

[177] They're unforgiving.

[178] Unforgiving and ruthless.

[179] She was willing to fight for the death.

[180] Fight to the death for your attention.

[181] Well, I had a female police dog, German Shepherd and a pit bull, and they used to get in such bad fights.

[182] And for me, I was just looking at $1 ,600 there, another $1 ,600 there as they're tearing each other up for the vet.

[183] I got so good, though, at choking.

[184] The problem is not when you're there.

[185] The problem is when you're not there.

[186] And that's what happened with Squeaky.

[187] She killed one of my dogs when I wasn't here.

[188] She was a crazy dog.

[189] But she just would not tolerate any bullshit.

[190] And because of the way they raise them, man, they're just willing to fight to death.

[191] The game ones are the ones that get to keep reading.

[192] Every other animal fights out of fear or dominance.

[193] And dominance including territorial, which is under the umbrella of being territorial.

[194] Whereas pit bulls actually are bred to...

[195] You actually enjoy the fight.

[196] A lot of times in a fight, an hour into it, they're wagging their tail.

[197] You know, they're great dogs.

[198] If you raise them and you're there with them all the time, they're super loving and really loyal companions.

[199] But they're dangerous as fuck when it comes to other animals.

[200] Yeah, there's no doubt.

[201] They're too crazy.

[202] Having them and not having them, I prefer to not have them.

[203] Even though, you know, I loved my dogs.

[204] They were awesome dogs.

[205] They were super friendly and obedient.

[206] And they were really, like, affectionate.

[207] Too much, man. Too crazy.

[208] Too dangerous.

[209] Other people's dogs get fucked up by your dog and you feel like a douchebag.

[210] You can't take them to the dog park if they're on a leash.

[211] My dog bit at someone's face, someone's dog's face, through the fence and grabbed a hold of it through this dog's fence.

[212] We were walking.

[213] I totally didn't expect it.

[214] We were walking and he's on a leash and this dog sticks his head through the fence and he's like, what, bitch?

[215] And he just locked onto it.

[216] It's so fast.

[217] So quick.

[218] He had half of the fence in his teeth and half of this dog's face.

[219] Because you have to choke him off?

[220] Yeah.

[221] You have to grab his collar and twist it and yank on him.

[222] I had to put him to sleep.

[223] I had to put him to sleep a couple times.

[224] I had to put him to sleep when he was trying to kill my cat.

[225] Yeah.

[226] He was fucking nuts.

[227] Frank.

[228] Yeah.

[229] Frank Sinatra.

[230] Yeah.

[231] He was a great dog, like with people, but with animals.

[232] And it was not how I raised him.

[233] It is.

[234] It's just their genetics.

[235] I raised him around cats and dogs.

[236] I was around him all the time.

[237] They're just too crazy.

[238] But the more we learn about genetics anyway, the more we realize it's a lot less nurture than it is nature.

[239] We are slaves to our DNA in a lot of ways.

[240] There's a lot of that going on, for sure, in both humans and in animals.

[241] No doubt.

[242] It's all moving in a certain direction for a reason, because this is the best way that the species stays strong.

[243] wrong you know and there's a bunch of fucking chemicals and a lot of them are dictating your actions all the time and if you're a pit bull I mean how much of no no no is going to get in your head well you know you know reading this book we were talking about it yesterday where you know genetically for thousands of years People have learned how to crossbreed, whether it's plants or animals, and come up with what they want.

[244] But now with genetic engineering, we're going to have crazy abilities to do this on pinpoint accuracy, like combining an actual alligator with, for real, like an alligator with a lion.

[245] They're doing crazy experiments where they can cross -pollinate DNA.

[246] That's totally inside the realm of possibility.

[247] You know what's really nuts, man, is dogs.

[248] There's no real answer to how people bred.

[249] dogs to be so crazy different.

[250] And they all came from wolves.

[251] Genetically, all dogs come from wolves.

[252] And that was a big shock when they found that out.

[253] Because that just leaves a whole lot of questions.

[254] It happens so long ago.

[255] They don't know where the delineation happened.

[256] They thought it was a bunch of other wild canids.

[257] And I would have to double check this article because I don't really recall the details of it.

[258] But I remember that they were shocked that they found that dogs' DNA was direct from wolves.

[259] And that somehow or another a wolf became a You know, a wolf became a bulldog.

[260] Like, you know, they just slowly bred.

[261] How the fuck did that happen?

[262] Well, that's breeding.

[263] That's thousands of years of breeding.

[264] That seems wrong.

[265] They can do that with horses.

[266] I know it's right, but it seems wrong.

[267] It seems like if you had to bet, you know, you'd be like, how could that be right?

[268] How is that possible?

[269] A fucking chihuahua came from a wolf?

[270] There's no way.

[271] How could you make something?

[272] But human beings, as they learn more about the genome, they couldn't figure out why AIDS never became a heterosexual disease in this country, but it was rampant in Africa.

[273] Well, what they just discovered was that when you have a certain mutation on your gene, that mutation, if you're Northern European, anybody really that you know that's white or of European descent, they are the ones that survived the bubonic plague and everybody else died.

[274] And the people that survived that plague had a certain mutation in their gene that also makes them HIV resistant.

[275] Whereas the bubonic plague did not hit Africa.

[276] Africa had its own diseases, but that particular plague never hit Africa.

[277] So they never developed a mutation in their gene to survive a plague like that.

[278] It's kind of crazy.

[279] It's fucking nuts.

[280] I'm smart.

[281] Just the diversity of it all.

[282] It's just how different things are happening all the time.

[283] There's different diseases we're fighting off and there's different things we're adapting to.

[284] And who knows what's going on with our brains right now because of the different kinds of access to information that we have now with the internet and just with social networking.

[285] There's so much more access to information right now.

[286] Who knows what's changing in our minds because of that?

[287] Well, what about the fact that when we create an actual neural web where everybody's genuine connected to one specific hub.

[288] Yeah, with something in your body.

[289] Yeah.

[290] That's so possible.

[291] They're all talking about this already.

[292] Well, they already are.

[293] They're already working on synthetic biology.

[294] The DNA that's synthetic that actually can grow in a petri dish.

[295] Yeah, what the fuck?

[296] You're listening to Science Talk with Brian Callen and Joe Rogan.

[297] Did you ever think when you were doing that, you were in The Hangover, did you ever think that movie was going to be like movie of the year?

[298] No, no idea.

[299] I remember showing up there, and I went in for the audition for Todd Phillips, who I've known for a while, and I was playing him like a New York guy.

[300] Hey, how you doing?

[301] This is Eddie.

[302] He likes when I improvise, so I was kind of improvising, and I put a girl there.

[303] When I got to the reading, I said, maybe I'll play him from Lebanon.

[304] If I make a very good prize, ha, ha, ha.

[305] So I show up.

[306] I do my two days of work in Vegas.

[307] Bradley Cooper I've known for eight years.

[308] I've known Zach for 15.

[309] I had just done a movie with Ed Helms before that, and I'm talking to these guys.

[310] Name dropper.

[311] yeah, yeah, thank you so much, name dropper.

[312] But I remember talking to Bradley.

[313] I was like, how's it going?

[314] He goes, I don't know, dude.

[315] I've done a bunch of movies.

[316] I don't know if anybody's watching them.

[317] You know, money, I'm not making.

[318] And just, it was this tiny movie where none of them were making any money.

[319] I turn to Todd Phillips and I go, how much are you making for this movie?

[320] I mean, you know, he makes good money.

[321] He goes, you're making more than I am.

[322] I say, what do you mean?

[323] He goes, I deferred my salary for a back end.

[324] And I remember literally thinking to myself, I went, Whatever, dude.

[325] You're out of your mind.

[326] No stars.

[327] It's a movie called The Hangover in Vegas.

[328] All something has to do now is be good.

[329] If it's good, people talk about it just through networking, Facebook and Twitter.

[330] People find out about shit way quicker than that.

[331] Maybe you have a theory on why The Hangover was a phenomenal thing.

[332] Because it was awesome.

[333] Because it was fun.

[334] Because people went to see it and they had a good time.

[335] It's that simple.

[336] It was a really kind of almost like a cliche subject.

[337] Going to Vegas and going crazy and partying.

[338] Oh, we wake up.

[339] What happened?

[340] What went wrong?

[341] But it was done so well.

[342] Every part about it was great.

[343] The acting was great.

[344] The stories were fun.

[345] Silly, but yet believable enough.

[346] Todd Phillips knows how to make a movie.

[347] That guy, you know how he basically wrote and directed Bad Santa?

[348] Really?

[349] And nobody knows that.

[350] That was him.

[351] They gave him a 40 -minute thing, and Harvey Weinstein was like, you've got to save this movie.

[352] And he basically went back, rewrote, and redid the whole thing and shot it.

[353] That guy's crazy.

[354] He's unbelievable.

[355] Oh, yeah.

[356] Yeah.

[357] I worked with a nice guy.

[358] Really?

[359] Yeah, a really nice guy.

[360] Did you see that interview in Canada?

[361] He was on this really cool radio show in, I think it's in Toronto.

[362] And the guy was talking to him and the guy introduces him and the band.

[363] And just for context, states that this guy's a, you know, Academy Award winning actor.

[364] And just, you know, to try to like layer this story that this guy's a bad motherfucker, right?

[365] He's just giving him his props.

[366] Billy Bob goes into a hissy fit because the guy was not supposed to mention acting.

[367] I love actors who take themselves seriously.

[368] You make believe for a living, dude.

[369] Exactly.

[370] He's like, I'm a musician.

[371] Do you not understand?

[372] I'm a musician.

[373] And he's just answering his questions all fucked up, and we're just trying to throw the guy off.

[374] And the guy handles it amazingly.

[375] The guy just totally rational, talking, totally calm, makes it through without any freak outs.

[376] I mean, here he's got this fucking world famous Academy Award winning actor who's...

[377] clearly being crazy, like mad at him because he mentioned that he happened to win an Oscar.

[378] Well, he's been married, I think, five times, right?

[379] I mean, think about that for a second.

[380] I mean, come on, guys.

[381] How crazy is Brad Pitt that Brad Pitt does not look at Angelina Jolie and goes, wait a minute, how nutty is this bitch?

[382] She fucked this guy.

[383] She fucked this guy and she used to take his blood and wear it around her neck.

[384] Okay.

[385] What?

[386] What's going on here?

[387] He's probably really stung.

[388] Dude, you got blood around your neck.

[389] I think she just worked him.

[390] I think she came in.

[391] I think she's an alpha fucking female vaginal predator.

[392] I think she just grabbed him, held him down, and made him eat her pussy, and that was it.

[393] It was done.

[394] She just shut him off.

[395] Don't you think that would have ended by now?

[396] No. Why?

[397] Because that power goes away.

[398] What power?

[399] Her being able to be like, oh, damn.

[400] Nah, with you, maybe.

[401] She's magic.

[402] Maybe with Brad Pitt, no. I don't mean to diss Brad Pitt.

[403] I don't really have anything against him.

[404] But I was listening to Larry King once.

[405] And Larry King was talking to this guy.

[406] I was like, who the fuck is this dummy?

[407] And it turned out to be Brad Pitt.

[408] I was listening in my car.

[409] I had no idea who the fuck it was.

[410] I was like, this guy's an idiot.

[411] Who is this guy Larry King's talking to?

[412] What does this guy do?

[413] We'll be right back with Brad Pitt.

[414] And I was like, wow.

[415] Brad Pitt is dumb.

[416] I mean, look, he's a fucking actor.

[417] He doesn't have to be smart.

[418] And maybe he is smart.

[419] He's just not good at talking.

[420] I always say...

[421] It might be.

[422] I mean, some people come off badly in interviews.

[423] I know I have.

[424] He's a simple guy.

[425] I think he's a simple guy who had a certain bone structure that cut light well.

[426] His strength is he's not afraid to look bad and not afraid to take chances.

[427] He keeps trying to be really good.

[428] Well, I think he's a really good actor.

[429] I thought he was awesome in Interview with the Vampire.

[430] That's one of my favorite roles ever.

[431] But it's also because he hasn't become...

[432] a victim to his good looks.

[433] He's always trying to do something different.

[434] His production company makes a lot of money and makes really good movies.

[435] I'm not saying he really is a retard.

[436] I really do enjoy his acting.

[437] You just thought of Fight Club, didn't you?

[438] I was listening to him and I was like, who is this dummy?

[439] It's not even that.

[440] Usually it's the ability to project.

[441] A lot of times people, they can be smart.

[442] They're not that good at stringing words together and coming off smart.

[443] That's very possible.

[444] Intelligence is compartmentalized.

[445] You can be very smart in one area and not smart at all.

[446] And I think that with someone like Brad Pitt, I don't think it was ever relevant for him until probably recently with Angelina Jolie to even read a whole lot about other things.

[447] When you're a prince in Hollywood and you're spending a lot of time on set, you can create deficits that way or not fill in the holes you need to.

[448] That's one of the things that I loved about Brian when I first met him.

[449] Here was this guy who was an actor who wasn't like actors.

[450] Because I had only been in Hollywood when I met Brian for about a year.

[451] And I would...

[452] was just sick of it.

[453] I was ready to go back home.

[454] I was ready to quit acting and just go back to stand -up comedy in New York.

[455] I just didn't like actors.

[456] And then I got news radio, and then I decided to stay, and then I met Brian.

[457] But he was like the first actor that I met that wasn't like an actor.

[458] You guys were both on news radio at one episode.

[459] Yeah, he played my brother.

[460] And Nick DiPaolo.

[461] Nick DiPaolo played my other brother.

[462] That was awesome.

[463] But when I first came on the set, here's a perfect example.

[464] Brian and I were hanging out in this cafeteria, and we were eating.

[465] And Brian was doing some impression or something, and I was laughing fucking hysterically.

[466] It was really funny shit.

[467] This other guy who is the actor, who's on the show with us as well, was trying just to top Brian.

[468] Kept trying to top him.

[469] Everything Brian would say, he'd be like, man, bitch, I got your shit right here.

[470] It was really loud and trying too hard.

[471] It's like a sharp F when you're listening to a symphony and somebody's going with a horn.

[472] You're like, who's blowing that horn over there?

[473] It doesn't go with the music.

[474] It was just immediately I could see, okay, here's an actor.

[475] That guy's an actor.

[476] That's what they're like.

[477] Any of those really creepy, needy Hollywood people, they wouldn't have to be an actor.

[478] You could be a comic and be like that.

[479] You could be anything.

[480] You could be a singer and be like that.

[481] But it's that creepy, needy, entertainment show.

[482] I think it has to do with not having perspective and putting yourself at the center of the universe.

[483] That's what a lot of actors do.

[484] They actually think that what they're doing and what they think and what they have to say is historically relevant.

[485] And that comes from being self -involved to the nth degree, which in some ways I feel almost you need sometimes to be an actor.

[486] It also is because of the environment on sets.

[487] When you're on a set, everyone is kissing your ass.

[488] If you're the star, if you're like some...

[489] big guy and you're on a set.

[490] Everyone is relying on you to pay their bills.

[491] Your success means that they get to keep their job and they get to buy a new house.

[492] So they're always kissing the asses of the actors.

[493] You're treated like a prince.

[494] You're treated like royalty.

[495] It's ridiculous.

[496] You could be wrong about things.

[497] People won't argue.

[498] And you see it.

[499] You see it all the time.

[500] Yeah, so people create their own reality.

[501] And then everybody kind of enters into this mutual agreement that they're going to sort of keep your reality a reality.

[502] Especially when...

[503] If you're working long hours, which they are in a lot of movies and especially a lot of hour TV shows, they work long -ass fucking hours.

[504] And people get cranky.

[505] And when you get cranky, you want to just yell to get things done.

[506] Well, that starts a precedent.

[507] And then they get used to yelling at people.

[508] And then it becomes they're allowed to yell at people.

[509] And then it becomes, oh, here's that crazy actor.

[510] He's running everything.

[511] Everybody quiet, quiet, quiet.

[512] So they get this completely distorted perception of where they fit in the real circle of life.

[513] They're just fucking pretenders, but they're locked in this weird social system that, like, rewards it.

[514] Have you guys met John Lithgow, and what is he like?

[515] I have.

[516] I did a...

[517] I auditioned with him once.

[518] Really?

[519] He read with me. It was kind of exciting.

[520] He was on Third Rock from the Sun when I was on news radio.

[521] I got to meet him on one of those NBC press junket things.

[522] He's a cool dude.

[523] He's a real actor.

[524] He does a lot of stage still in New York.

[525] And a very nice guy.

[526] Really, really...

[527] Who's that guy from Fargo?

[528] The guy with Joe Mantegna.

[529] Who's that guy?

[530] What's his name?

[531] Oh, Bill Macy.

[532] Bill Macy.

[533] Yeah, William Macy.

[534] Hilarious actor.

[535] Really, really, really awesome actor.

[536] Yeah, he is.

[537] I met him once.

[538] And I said, hey, man, I really love that movie you did with Joe Mantegna.

[539] And he makes this Joe Mantegna.

[540] How was his name?

[541] Joe Mantegna?

[542] Joe Mantegna, yeah.

[543] Mantegna, yeah.

[544] So he goes, it's Joe Mantegna.

[545] So he says that to me, and I'm like, God, I'm that fucking idiot guy who's saying you really like something.

[546] Joe Montagena.

[547] I mean, it's like one of the few guys I'd ever want to meet him.

[548] I mean, Fargo's one of my favorite movies ever.

[549] So me meeting him was like, wow, I'm really meeting this guy.

[550] And he's like, it's Joe Montagena.

[551] I'm like, oh, sorry.

[552] Thanks, I got to go now.

[553] I'm just such a piece of shit.

[554] How many people go up to Joey Diaz thinking he's the guy from The Sopranos?

[555] Oh, Big Pussy?

[556] Yeah, they're always thinking Joey Diaz is Big Pussy from The Sopranos.

[557] That's funny.

[558] Well, so what I mean, what was it like for you coming into Hollywood and dealing with all these actor type human beings?

[559] Because it is like it really is for people who don't know, for people who have regular jobs.

[560] It is shocking when you first get around actors.

[561] It's shocking.

[562] Yeah.

[563] Because they're telling you 2 plus 2 is 16, and it's just the weirdest world.

[564] And they're all Democrats.

[565] All of them.

[566] All of them.

[567] Because they believe that there's such a thing as being able to socially engineer equality and that Washington knows what to do with your money more than you do.

[568] I don't even think they think that.

[569] I think they think that the left is the best.

[570] They think that going left and being like this socially aware person makes you look cooler in Hollywood.

[571] It's like a mindset that they adopt without really considering any of the different aspects of that mindset.

[572] It's a Hollywood theme.

[573] Right.

[574] I was going to say, a lot of times I find that they don't know that there's an alternative out there.

[575] Yeah.

[576] They don't know that just saying – just because you're not left -wing doesn't mean you're a quote -unquote Republican.

[577] Do you not go crazy when you hear wheeze, when you hear people go – they talk about the Democratic Party, like, well, we've got to win this.

[578] Yeah, yeah.

[579] It's like you're thinking like it's the Dodgers.

[580] Well, also it's a – Collectivist mindset, which if you look at history, has never really produced any results at all.

[581] What makes this country great is individuals who take a chance and get rewarded for it.

[582] Coming up with ideas.

[583] And in a way, that's actually the best way to create a community.

[584] People have to rely on each other.

[585] There's a broad spectrum of ideas.

[586] To lump them into two competing camps is absolutely ridiculous.

[587] Especially when people just jump on either camp and everything they say is gospel and you're a Neanderthal.

[588] if you don't believe.

[589] Exactly.

[590] You said it.

[591] You said it.

[592] It's like team.

[593] It's like two different teams when you watch the elections.

[594] Our team versus your team.

[595] And any of your ideas be damned because my team's going to win.

[596] My favorite guy that I know, that I used to know, who was a real, like, liberal leftist, like, really, like, everything, wanted reparations for slavery, for real, believed that he called himself a feminist.

[597] I'm not bullshitting you.

[598] He calls himself a venomous.

[599] And when he was married, I believe he even changed his name.

[600] He changed his wife's name.

[601] He hyphenated and her name was last.

[602] Oh, what?

[603] Trying to reinvent the wheel.

[604] Yeah, he hyphenated.

[605] Not she hyphenated.

[606] He hyphenated his own name and accepted hers last as like the dominant name.

[607] That's like the hot tip time machine.

[608] Dude, this guy was like, his body was made of jello.

[609] His hands were frail and tiny.

[610] Just no testosterone.

[611] His hips were odd.

[612] He had none.

[613] He had none.

[614] He walked funny.

[615] There was like a funny walk to him.

[616] He just had no ability to get out of the way of anything.

[617] But that's his way of making himself feel significant.

[618] That was his game.

[619] His game was, I am going to support your rights as a woman more than other women will.

[620] I will do it as a man. That's his rap.

[621] He figured out that that got him laid a couple times and then just bought into it.

[622] That's all he had available.

[623] What is he going to do?

[624] He's either going to do that or going to collect guns.

[625] That's what he's going to do.

[626] He's got one of the other.

[627] You're compensating whether you like it or not.

[628] Your dick is an inch long and you're made of jello.

[629] You're compensating.

[630] What a disaster.

[631] Yeah, he was my favorite example of someone who was just like, this guy was like, you could not have a discussion about something.

[632] You could not have a discussion about war.

[633] You could not have a discussion about politics.

[634] Anything that involved the Democrats and the Republicans, you could not have it.

[635] Because as soon as you had an opposing point of view, you don't think that maybe it's a good idea to pay attention to really radical groups all over the world.

[636] You don't think that maybe is a good idea and that's maybe kept people safe.

[637] fucking right -wing Neanderthals.

[638] So he shuts you down.

[639] Oh, yeah.

[640] Immediately.

[641] He builds a wall around you, and so now you're on that side.

[642] Name -calling and defines you, and it's always right -wing, which I am the last person to be right -wing, or any wing.

[643] Well, I always reject.

[644] I'm more of a libertarian.

[645] I just always believe that human beings know how to govern themselves.

[646] I think you have to have a certain amount of government.

[647] I believe you have to have roads, and you have to have a strong defense.

[648] You have to have police force.

[649] I believe in that stuff.

[650] However, I think we are...

[651] I don't want to say we're headed toward this trend, but I think that the danger has always been, and George Washington said that people will invent laws to take their own power away from them.

[652] There's always a danger that a centralized bureaucracy will get enough power, become a Leviathan, where it just starts needing more and more resources, and you lose your freedoms.

[653] You do, in the name of making the world a better place.

[654] There's always a benevolent concept behind it.

[655] But I think that the best way to look at things is...

[656] when people say you're a conservative.

[657] Well, I don't like when people say that because what they're saying is that I am somehow, it has in its connotation the idea that I am very stodgy and very strict and very controlling, whereas I'm actually quite the opposite.

[658] I believe I'm, you could call me right -wing, certainly not left -wing, because I believe in maximum personal freedom.

[659] I believe you should legalize drugs because I think people know essentially how to govern themselves, and if they don't, people are going to do drugs.

[660] anyway.

[661] That's just one example.

[662] But I think for the most part...

[663] Government should be treated like a necessary evil, not a huge engine for good.

[664] The only problem with legalizing drugs is that if – and this is an argument, and I'm not exactly sure I support it, but this is the argument.

[665] The argument is that if you made drugs legal, then big corporations would step in and be even more out of control because they would realize that the real money is in selling people these drugs that used to be illegal.

[666] And they would package them and make them very cheap and very – available and because of the fact there'd be so much of it because there'd be profit in it that people would do it that wouldn't ordinarily do it.

[667] I don't necessarily buy it, but I do think that you have to be really careful of allowing anybody to make a living or make money or get rich off of something that can fuck other people up.

[668] Like cigarettes.

[669] You could say that about cigarettes and alcohol.

[670] Yeah, they're pimps.

[671] The people that are selling cigarettes right now, look, I know there's...

[672] Billions and billions of dollars in cigarettes.

[673] But you know what the fuck you're doing.

[674] You know what the fuck you're doing, period.

[675] There's no debate anymore.

[676] This isn't 1950s with those camel ads on TV.

[677] My doctor recommends camels.

[678] It's not that.

[679] You're fucking yourself, for sure.

[680] And you're making billions of dollars off people fucking themselves.

[681] But don't you think that there's always going to be a segment of the population that is going to just abuse themselves?

[682] I think that certain people do drugs.

[683] And whether or not they're legal or not, it would probably raise the...

[684] usage maybe, but for the most part, I think when people who want to get high, they find a way to get high.

[685] It's true, but the idea that you can profit off that.

[686] I don't think you should be able to profit off of fucking people over.

[687] People are profiting now.

[688] I know they are.

[689] I don't think that should be legal.

[690] I think I'm all for drugs being legal.

[691] I'm all for drugs being legal.

[692] I'm totally for social Darwinism.

[693] and see this as an argument.

[694] That's all I'm saying.

[695] I'm not saying that I support it.

[696] I'm saying I can see the argument that if you did, there would be more access, there would be more of it, and you would have even more of a problem than we have already of corporations being basically sociopathic, not caring, putting profit ahead of everything.

[697] These questions are getting only more and more relevant and deeper and deeper, and this is the other issue.

[698] We are now coming up with technology.

[699] The genie's out of the bottle.

[700] We're coming up with technology that has the potential to do incredible good, but incredibly be also...

[701] be incredibly destructive.

[702] For example, scientists are now learning how to create new life forms out of synthetic material that have never existed, and they're creating self -replicating proteins.

[703] What does that mean?

[704] That means that in 20, 30, 40 years, nobody knows, but this stuff is moving exponentially, you're probably going to have computers, machines, whatever you want to call them, that replicate themselves, right?

[705] Yeah.

[706] What is the dialogue, and what are the questions that accompany that?

[707] What is to say that these machines will have a respect for them?

[708] biological heritage.

[709] You tell me, is there a guarantee?

[710] There probably isn't.

[711] No, there's no guarantee.

[712] And if they become intelligent and they develop some sort of a self -defense mechanism, then it's like Skynet.

[713] I mean, it really is.

[714] That's what every computer scientist, that is the conversation that guys like Ray Kurzweil and these computer scientists are talking about.

[715] Yeah, it's a real conversation that's not being addressed anywhere else when people are talking about Lindsay Lohan going to jail.

[716] Well, exactly.

[717] Exactly.

[718] And that's the tidal wave that's coming that nobody sees, very few people see.

[719] I think we're...

[720] futures are going to be so radically altered in the next 20 years.

[721] I don't think we're even aware of how radical the changes have been that have taken place in our life.

[722] Things are gradual.

[723] You get used to it.

[724] We get used to the fact that we're doing this thing right now and thousands of people are listening to it live and it's going out all over the world as a podcast.

[725] Hundreds of thousands of people.

[726] And it's through just a fucking sitting in a room in my house.

[727] The internet is just...

[728] It's 5 ,000 days old.

[729] The internet is 5 ,000 days old.

[730] That's crazy.

[731] People never realize, put it into context, but if you think about how long it's been around for 15 years, that's 5 ,000 days.

[732] A little over 5 ,000 days.

[733] So the internet has just been around for 5 ,000 days.

[734] Now, what's going to happen in 20 ,000 days?

[735] Jesus Christ.

[736] Think about how fast this stuff is moving.

[737] Yeah.

[738] Yeah.

[739] It's staggering.

[740] It's hard to really wrap your head around it.

[741] It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that 200 years ago, the best way to get around was to ride an animal.

[742] 200 years ago, if you wanted a picture of someone, you had to draw it.

[743] There was no cameras.

[744] 200 years ago.

[745] That's incredible.

[746] That's two lifetimes.

[747] Two lifetimes and everything's radically changed.

[748] The Internet's totally like a drug nowadays.

[749] They're going to find a way to sell the Internet to you like a drug a little bit.

[750] I just can't believe that the government's not grabbing a hold of the Internet and trying to make as much money as possible out of it.

[751] They can't.

[752] The problem is you look at it as the government.

[753] The government.

[754] But the government, it's like – it would be great if there was only like 10 people on the earth and there was like two dudes and they were the government.

[755] Then that would work.

[756] The same people that would profit off the drugs then.

[757] The same people that would profit off – Well, how would they do that, Brian?

[758] They would censor it.

[759] They would – They can't.

[760] I don't think they can.

[761] That stuff has got to get to Congress.

[762] I mean you're talking about – first of all, the government.

[763] The government is several different – People would go crazy.

[764] It's about 50 different competing entities.

[765] Right.

[766] I don't think it's possible.

[767] But I'm just saying that it's amazing that they – Which brings up – the subject that I wanted to talk about.

[768] HR 5741.

[769] Slavery.

[770] This is that.

[771] Yeah.

[772] Charlie Rangel.

[773] I think that's how you say his name.

[774] Charlie Rangel.

[775] Rangel.

[776] Yeah.

[777] He is proposing this bill that everyone serve two years of service, mandatory service, whether it be in the military or military support.

[778] And the reason why he's proposing this is because he believes that the war is wrong and that he wants to make a point by if these congressmen aren't willing to go themselves, if they're not willing to send their family and their loved ones, then they shouldn't be supporting this war.

[779] It's very fair.

[780] It makes sense.

[781] But the problem is it's still – it's like you can't even offer that up as an option, as a rational option.

[782] You can't offer up two years of mandatory service.

[783] Fuck you, asshole.

[784] Fuck you to make a point.

[785] If you want to make a point, do it with your mouth.

[786] Don't propose shit that will enslave people.

[787] It's a throwback.

[788] You say it's not going to work, but it works in Europe.

[789] It works in Israel.

[790] We had it here for a long time.

[791] We had a mandatory draft until the 1960s.

[792] Yeah, but that was a draft.

[793] That's a little bit different.

[794] This is mandatory service for every single person.

[795] Like they do in certain countries.

[796] Everyone served two years mandatory minimum.

[797] Good luck, Charlie.

[798] He's not going to get it passed, and I don't think he wants to get it passed.

[799] He was making a point.

[800] But even that point, suggesting that, that's like fucking treason.

[801] Just to put it out there that that's a rational argument, you are lowering the standards of opposition.

[802] You're saying, if you're supposed to be the thing that's protecting us from the military...

[803] industrial complex and the global machine.

[804] It's supposed to be our elected representatives and our elected representatives are proposing that everyone be enslaved by the fucking country and being forced to do two years of mandatory service no matter what your job is.

[805] Fuck you.

[806] Exactly.

[807] Fuck you.

[808] By the way, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

[809] Government will, if you give, if you allow government to, and I'm talking about just any Leviathan, any huge, they will take your power away from you.

[810] History shows that time.

[811] Time and time again.

[812] It doesn't have to be right or left wing about that.

[813] That's just a – open a history book.

[814] Yeah, it runs on momentum.

[815] And the problem is our society is so complex that 90 % of the people, 90 % of the time are doing shit that they don't want to be doing to support the machine.

[816] The machine is that big.

[817] That's right.

[818] It's so big.

[819] Well, think about when taxes are 48 % in some brackets, or actually in this country, they're 38%.

[820] 38 % of your day is working for the government.

[821] 38 % of your time, you are working for someone else, and you never see the benefits of that.

[822] Not only that, but your tax money that you've already paid taxes on it, you get taxed again when you buy things.

[823] You get sales taxed.

[824] Exactly.

[825] Oh, and by the way, when you want to leave your inheritance to your kids, you get taxed.

[826] That gets taxed.

[827] Oh, and by the way, at 60...

[828] Money that has already been taxed.

[829] Yeah, and your Social Security, if you die before...

[830] for your social security, the government gets that money.

[831] Your family doesn't get that money.

[832] So all that money you're putting away, you better live till you're 65 and then you get it in increments.

[833] So there are a lot of issues that...

[834] But isn't this the main issue?

[835] There's too many people.

[836] That's the main issue.

[837] The main issue is this thing is gigantic and it's totally out of control.

[838] And one of the reasons why is that there's too many of us.

[839] People have been saying that for a long time, and I think that's certainly an issue.

[840] But I happen to believe that human beings with technology and their imagination will be able to accommodate the 9 billion people that are coming in the next 15 years.

[841] 9 billion more?

[842] No, we'll be at 9 billion in about 15 years from most projections.

[843] In fact, most of the populations, including the Middle East, the mean age is 35 years old.

[844] So a lot of countries actually have stable or negative population growth.

[845] Even in Africa.

[846] They just did a – they just – these investments like Moody's or something said that African bonds are actually worth investing in because huge swaths of Africa are now seeing a middle class.

[847] 360 million of them have cell phones.

[848] What comes with that is less children because as people move into cities and away from rural areas, they don't have as many children.

[849] And so what's been surprising that nobody predicted in the 70s when you had things like the population bomb that was written and things is that – Population in a lot of countries, especially Europe, and now more and more in the Middle East, has actually started to stabilize and decline.

[850] Germany has a zero population growth.

[851] Really?

[852] Zero.

[853] Mexico, which a lot of people think, well, they're exploding in population because they have a lot of children here.

[854] Mexico now is down to, I believe, 2 .6 children a couple when it used to be literally eight and nine.

[855] So people, as they get access to information, to say, I want more for me. Why do I want 15 children?

[856] Mexicans are fucking crazy with kids, man. It's funny that that's like an insult somehow or another.

[857] You know, if you say something about Mexicans, you know, you say, well, you just got like eight kids.

[858] And everybody's like, oh, what are you, racist?

[859] Like, no, Mexicans have a lot of kids.

[860] And kids are awesome.

[861] Why is it a bad thing to have a lot of kids?

[862] Dude, you know, I love kids.

[863] They work hard.

[864] I love having kids.

[865] They're awesome.

[866] Like, if you got eight, I'm not hating on you.

[867] But why is it funny that, you know, if you're Mexican, you have eight kids?

[868] You say that and be like, oh.

[869] Yeah, asshole.

[870] Why are you saying that, asshole?

[871] No, certain cultural things are very resilient.

[872] It's like black people with chicken and watermelon.

[873] Why is that bad?

[874] Chicken and watermelon are both awesome.

[875] I love them.

[876] I love them.

[877] I love watermelon.

[878] It's fucking delicious.

[879] And I love chicken.

[880] How come you can't bring up, you know, if you get a black waiter, what would you like?

[881] I'd like some chicken and watermelon.

[882] There'll be some tension.

[883] But a lot of that comes back to, you know, in the 50s in the South, they would make posters of a black joe.

[884] Of course.

[885] I know where it all comes from.

[886] But it's 2010.

[887] Why are we hanging on to that?

[888] Yeah, man. Chicken is awesome.

[889] Right.

[890] Fried chicken tastes awesome and watermelon tastes awesome.

[891] Take the power.

[892] Take the power away.

[893] Take the power away from chicken and watermelon.

[894] That's ridiculous.

[895] I can't wait till they come.

[896] bind the two.

[897] Although I'm not a fan of the grape soda.

[898] Huh?

[899] I'm not really grape soda.

[900] Grape crush?

[901] A grape crush in a bottle.

[902] You know what?

[903] Brett Ernst, he has a joke where he says that brothers are the one place they're not cool.

[904] They're usually way cooler than white people.

[905] I always watched a bunch of black guys in the audience just die over this.

[906] He goes, the one place you guys are not cool is when you see a magic trick.

[907] When they see magic, they're like, oh shit!

[908] Come on!

[909] They jump around.

[910] They run out of the room and come back and stuff.

[911] It was so funny.

[912] Brent Ertz is funny.

[913] Oh, God.

[914] He's a good dude.

[915] He's another dude who's not...

[916] Brett's a really good guy.

[917] Not like a comedian.

[918] No. Brett's a...

[919] Very normal dude.

[920] He is.

[921] There's not that many.

[922] There's more comics that are like that than are actors, for sure.

[923] Comics are much more humbled by life.

[924] It's much more difficult.

[925] You have to be more grounded.

[926] I was going to say about L .A. when I first came, I had been...

[927] My childhood, I'd grown up in seven different countries.

[928] I was born in the Philippines, India.

[929] You had a really interesting life.

[930] I don't know how much of it you're allowed to talk about.

[931] No, I can talk about it.

[932] You're allowed to talk about your dad?

[933] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[934] I mean, you know, no, but I was bounced around in so many different countries.

[935] I mean, I didn't live in the same place until I was 15 for a year.

[936] I mean, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Pakistan, Greece, India, the Philippines, constantly bounced around.

[937] Dude, you're getting me wet.

[938] I know.

[939] Thank you so much.

[940] Well, I am.

[941] I'm very mysterious.

[942] What people don't know is Brian was the other voice in my getting pumped.

[943] audio clip.

[944] If you've heard it, Stern used to play it all the time.

[945] Mikey and this guy were in the basement.

[946] My ass is flat.

[947] Come on, your ass looks awesome.

[948] Come on, it's round and muscular.

[949] We did that.

[950] That was him and I. That was over at Warner Brothers with Ginger Lynn.

[951] Ginger Lynn, yeah.

[952] You guys need to make a sequel to that.

[953] I wrote one where they wind up sucking each other off because they shave each other's balls.

[954] I'm thinking about getting dick surgery.

[955] Your dick is awesome.

[956] It's huge.

[957] You know what you need to do?

[958] You need to shave your pubes.

[959] Shave your pubes?

[960] Yeah, you shave your pubes.

[961] It makes your cut look bigger.

[962] Check mine out.

[963] Look at that.

[964] It's all shaved.

[965] My dick looks way bigger, right?

[966] I don't remember what it used to look like.

[967] Come on.

[968] Let me see what you got there.

[969] He pulls his pants down.

[970] He's got all this pubes.

[971] I can't even see your dick.

[972] It's a forest in here.

[973] We've got to start trimming.

[974] And then he trims it down.

[975] He's like, wow, that kind of tickles.

[976] Look, your cock looks huge.

[977] No, it doesn't.

[978] I swear to God, I think I would start gagging if I had that dick in my mouth.

[979] Come on.

[980] And then they start face -fucking each other.

[981] It's really violent.

[982] In a straight way.

[983] There was a story that I wrote about on my blog.

[984] It's an absolute true story.

[985] A buddy of mine was a director of porno films, and he invited us to a porno party, me and a bunch of guys from jiu -jitsu.

[986] so we get there and we're like we're thinking what is a porno party gonna be like it's all porno stars like this is gonna be a freak show right we get there no it's all dudes okay it's all dudes and people who work for the it's basically like their rap party and a few girls show up okay and uh you and i were there that was the one we went to so lobby's thing so they say so they say sit down we're about to everybody please be seated we're about to start the movie and it's this movie that's like it's art porn and it's like real acting and real plots with porn so it's death okay I mean the acting is the worst ever they're projecting it on the side of a building by the way exactly it's like really blurry so while all this is going on This one chick, I won't even say her name.

[987] She's getting fucking plowed on the screen.

[988] This guy is just fucking her face.

[989] He's just got her mounted.

[990] And I guess that's her thing.

[991] And she likes to gag and shit.

[992] So while this all is going on, someone goes, she's here.

[993] So she pulls up and a guy gets out of the car.

[994] And then she gets out of the car and the guy starts walking towards this screen with this look on his face like he cannot fucking believe what he's saying.

[995] This guy's going ass to mouth on her.

[996] He's going ass, mouth, ass, mouth.

[997] And every time we'd fuck her in the ass, we'd be like this, like hard.

[998] Like you could hear his balls slapping off of her ass.

[999] It was like the way I described it was like two chalkboard erasers.

[1000] So he's like fucking her ass.

[1001] And then her mouth, when he's fucking her mouth, it's like she's an otter.

[1002] It's like...

[1003] And this dude's just fucking her mouth, fucking her ass, fucking her mouth, fucking her ass.

[1004] I mean, it is brutal.

[1005] It's brutal.

[1006] It's a hate fuck.

[1007] He's spitting in her face.

[1008] I mean, it's fucking hardcore.

[1009] And this kid is looking at this, and his jaw is totally dropped.

[1010] And I start, like, inching towards him.

[1011] I'm like, I want to know if this kid knows.

[1012] Does he know?

[1013] This can't be possible.

[1014] He had no idea.

[1015] He had no idea.

[1016] It was their first date.

[1017] It was their first date.

[1018] She told him that she was a makeup artist, and she took him to a fucking...

[1019] porn premiere.

[1020] But she didn't know they were going to be playing her life on the side of a building.

[1021] Somehow or another she thought he wasn't going to find out that she's a porno star.

[1022] So she goes, I was going to tell you.

[1023] That's exactly how she said it, like this.

[1024] I was going to tell you.

[1025] And then we grabbed the guy and we interviewed him and I took pictures of him and shit.

[1026] He held it together.

[1027] Dude, the guy was remarkably...

[1028] I think, you know.

[1029] Immediately.

[1030] The poor guy.

[1031] Look, she was hot as fuck.

[1032] Yeah, she really was.

[1033] And the poor guy probably thought, like, wow, I got a real hottie.

[1034] That's fucked up that she didn't say anything.

[1035] Well, she's fucked up.

[1036] She's crazy.

[1037] Yeah, but, I mean, you know, like, just STDs alone, you should tell somebody.

[1038] Well, nothing happened.

[1039] I mean, she doesn't have any responsibility until they fuck.

[1040] Maybe she wasn't going to get them.

[1041] Our pal, who I can't name, had a hot.

[1042] date with a porn star, he thought.

[1043] He got over to her place and, you know, hey, you want to come over and smoke a little pot?

[1044] Sure.

[1045] So he goes over to her place, smokes a little pot with her, tries to bust a move.

[1046] She's like, no, no, no. I just want us to be smoking buddies.

[1047] That's what you said to him.

[1048] And so I get you for your amazing conversation.

[1049] Oh.

[1050] That's terrible.

[1051] That's the worst ever.

[1052] I just want to be your smoking buddy.

[1053] You're right there.

[1054] And this must have been very similar to how this, well, this guy must have felt a lot worse.

[1055] But he probably felt, I got this hot girl.

[1056] She's super hot.

[1057] I'm going to go to her party at work.

[1058] Fuck it.

[1059] She's so hot.

[1060] Look at her body.

[1061] My God.

[1062] And then he gets out of the car.

[1063] Right.

[1064] You trying to show me you're a good girl now?

[1065] Fuck.

[1066] It's like you were so close.

[1067] Fuck.

[1068] And I'm the one guy you don't fuck?

[1069] I'm the one guy?

[1070] Dude.

[1071] You bang strangers for a living?

[1072] She's hot as fuck.

[1073] He's beating off to her all the time waiting for this.

[1074] Oh, yeah.

[1075] We're going to have this pot date.

[1076] We're going to hang out.

[1077] Can you say who the porn star is?

[1078] No. Kiss over place.

[1079] Terrible.

[1080] Sorry, I just want to be smoking, buddy.

[1081] That's awful.

[1082] Sorry.

[1083] No. Sorry.

[1084] Tired of sex, are you?

[1085] This little tiny skirt throw you off and these 10 -inch heels.

[1086] Did you really think that I was going to fuck you?

[1087] Oh, my God.

[1088] That makes me mad.

[1089] Oh, my God.

[1090] I'm not like that.

[1091] That makes me angry.

[1092] If you're a woman and you do porn, you have to make it really clear with dudes that they can't fuck you.

[1093] You have to say, oh, by the way, you can't fuck me. You can't just say, hey, come on over to my house and smoke some weed at night.

[1094] Oh, okay.

[1095] You figure, yeah, what's going to happen there?

[1096] You want a massage?

[1097] Yeah.

[1098] Let me stop off and pick up some condoms.

[1099] Oh, squirting lotion on her back.

[1100] Oh, finger my asshole.

[1101] What?

[1102] Finger your asshole?

[1103] I just want to be smoking, buddies.

[1104] His alarm clock went off.

[1105] What?

[1106] High heels.

[1107] What?

[1108] I'm up?

[1109] I gotta go to work?

[1110] And this is like a real girl guy porn star?

[1111] Oh, fuck yes.

[1112] I don't remember who it is.

[1113] She's an OG.

[1114] She's a talented performer.

[1115] Yeah.

[1116] High heels and low self -esteem.

[1117] My favorite.

[1118] Shit.

[1119] Why do guys always, why do straight guys always pretend they're like a joke around in a gay way?

[1120] It's so funny.

[1121] That's a gross thing.

[1122] My buddy Chris D 'Elia sends me pictures sometimes.

[1123] Unless it's funny.

[1124] Yeah.

[1125] You know Chris D 'Elia, right?

[1126] Chris D 'Elia.

[1127] Chris D 'Elia is a young comic, really funny guy, and I'll get pictures on my cell phone, and it'll just be a picture of his stonewashed jeans with kind of like just the bulge of his pants.

[1128] It'll just be a close -up shot.

[1129] He'll just be like...

[1130] keep up the good work, Bri.

[1131] It's just some innocuous thing.

[1132] I'm like, what the fuck?

[1133] Or then I get a picture the other day on my phone and he's got his heart on wrapped in a sheet.

[1134] He's holding his heart on a sheet like that.

[1135] And the caption says, dude, there's a ghost in my room.

[1136] I was like, what the fuck?

[1137] Dude, it's okay.

[1138] I'm glad we put that in the podcast because somebody needs to put that in a movie.

[1139] It was the funniest thing in the world.

[1140] Pay him or put him in the movie and have him play it.

[1141] I showed up at the Laugh Factory and he's like, hey.

[1142] and he's got his phone.

[1143] I walk into his phone and it's him holding his dog.

[1144] He's got a little fluffy white dog with glasses on and half a heart on standing, arching his chest like that with his dog.

[1145] I went, oh, what are you doing?

[1146] And then he'd walk by me as I was talking and take his phone and rub it across my face.

[1147] I was like, this is a strange thing.

[1148] That's hilarious.

[1149] If it wasn't for gay people, we would be missing a big chunk of the fun in our culture.

[1150] Absolutely.

[1151] Elton John style sunglasses.

[1152] They start the trends.

[1153] They start the fashion trends, man. Guys will be like, that's gay.

[1154] And then four years later, they're like, I gotta wear that.

[1155] What's really funny is like, you know, Rob Halford is like the originator of all that like leather fucking dominatrix type shit.

[1156] You know, the way he dresses on stage.

[1157] And he was gay.

[1158] He was gay.

[1159] And he got all these people to dress like him.

[1160] That's fantastic.

[1161] I mean, how many people dressed the way they dressed that wanted to be like rockers because of Rob Halford from Judas Priest?

[1162] Yeah.

[1163] Fucking a lot of them.

[1164] He was gay.

[1165] He was gay.

[1166] Gay as fuck.

[1167] So was Pete Townsend.

[1168] Pete Townsend did a lot of gay shit.

[1169] Pete Townsend, I guess.

[1170] I don't know if he's gay or he did a lot of gay shit.

[1171] He said he knows what it's like to be a woman.

[1172] Yeah, he said, I know.

[1173] And I remember Roger Daltrey heard that.

[1174] Yeah.

[1175] And Roger Daltrey was like, I thought we weren't talking about this.

[1176] If Pete Townsend fucked a couple of guys or got fucked, I bet Dalton tried it too.

[1177] I bet they all did it.

[1178] I mean, look, there's always that college stuff.

[1179] I think it flies out of a Speedo.

[1180] All of a sudden, I'm gay.

[1181] Did you ever get raped on Oz?

[1182] I didn't.

[1183] I did not.

[1184] We have a funny Oz story that we probably can't tell.

[1185] Yeah, probably not.

[1186] That was a weird situation.

[1187] Well, you were there, so you saw it.

[1188] And I got vindicated in the end.

[1189] Of course you did.

[1190] And I knew I would.

[1191] Here's a situation that happened.

[1192] Brian had a friend and the friend had a lady friend that happened to be an exotic dancer.

[1193] And we went to – He told me to go.

[1194] He told him to go to visit her at her place of employment.

[1195] And you saw the girl make a beeline for me and start dancing on me. Yeah, not just dancing.

[1196] She hopped on top of Brian and immediately straddled her vagina onto his dick and started gyrating her pussy on his dick.

[1197] And you're saying this girl wants to bang you.

[1198] I go, I know, but I don't have clearance for my friend yet.

[1199] I don't know if it's allowed, but I think it's insinuated.

[1200] But I still wasn't going to do it because you can't – It was ridiculous.

[1201] I need to talk.

[1202] I think you asked me to go with you when you dropped her off because you felt uncomfortable.

[1203] Yes.

[1204] I wanted you to come.

[1205] I got a headache.

[1206] I'm out of here.

[1207] I was like, dude, come with me because this is bad because she's going to give me a ride.

[1208] And it's my boy's girl.

[1209] And it just doesn't look good.

[1210] So I don't know if he turned into the wolf man after I left.

[1211] No. No. I was at the sheriff.

[1212] Can you say what she accused you of?

[1213] Yeah.

[1214] She accused me of getting rough with her, actually.

[1215] I found it later.

[1216] I didn't even know that was the accusation.

[1217] She said that I actually got physical with her and tried to make her kiss me and fool around with her and stuff like that, which is kind of like saying the guy tried to rape me. You know what I mean?

[1218] At least when people hear that, they go, the guy's a closet rapist.

[1219] But what happened was it was the Hilton or the Sheraton, and I was on the third floor, which actually means the lobby.

[1220] It's on the lobby, the third floor.

[1221] And so I said, she said, let me use your bathroom.

[1222] And she dropped me off.

[1223] She goes, I need to use your bathroom.

[1224] Instead of using the bathroom in the lobby, I need to use your bathroom.

[1225] And we go to my room and I go, I'm dead.

[1226] She's in my room now.

[1227] This is bad.

[1228] And by the way, I'm an animal.

[1229] I'm not a saint.

[1230] I'm not a good guy.

[1231] I mean, it's like I'm a 12 -stepper.

[1232] I mean, you've got to grow in my hotel room.

[1233] She's been dancing on me all night, and nobody's watching.

[1234] Danger.

[1235] Yeah, and by the way, if I do fool around with her, my friend better forgive me because I'm just a guy if he's like me, right?

[1236] Well, you know, he shouldn't be attached to her anyway.

[1237] Correct.

[1238] What is she doing?

[1239] What's going on here?

[1240] And you thought maybe that would have been – you were thinking, like, I think he might want me to fuck her.

[1241] Well, yeah.

[1242] Why else would he be sending me to – Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1243] And she's this crazy.

[1244] Exactly.

[1245] But then she's in my room, and I go – I start acting – I start doing – I got nervous, so I started acting silly.

[1246] I was joking around.

[1247] And she could tell because she wanted some wine.

[1248] She said, do you have any wine in my minibar?

[1249] And I poured her wine, and I go, this is how it's going to start.

[1250] This is getting bad.

[1251] I'm already guilty.

[1252] I'm done.

[1253] I'm already guilty.

[1254] So I start.

[1255] She goes, you're a freak, aren't you?

[1256] You're a freak or something like that.

[1257] I go, yeah, I'm a freak.

[1258] And I start doing this.

[1259] I'm a freak.

[1260] And she can see that I'm nervous.

[1261] And she goes, are you going to go back and tell such and such that I was in your room?

[1262] And I go, no, no, I'm not.

[1263] Actually, I'm not at all.

[1264] In fact, here's my last 20 bucks.

[1265] I spent all my money on you, which was really inappropriate anyway.

[1266] I remember it was 20 bucks.

[1267] I go, give this to the valet, and we'll just say that you dropped me off.

[1268] That would be way better for me because this is already bad.

[1269] It's already a bad situation.

[1270] She gets up, goes out, and the next day, or I guess that weekend, I'd booked that CBS show, but I go back to do Oz, and literally nobody will look at me. And then I got written out, and I was the person that this happened.

[1271] It was a huge scene.

[1272] Yeah, he tried to attack you.

[1273] But he was like, the girl told him.

[1274] And he was like, you know, he didn't know.

[1275] He thought this guy got rough with you.

[1276] I mean, she was crying.

[1277] What she didn't want was what she didn't want.

[1278] She didn't want was that she came back to your room.

[1279] She had a 12 -year -old child.

[1280] She had a meal ticket.

[1281] And all of a sudden, because she makes this mistake, she had to sell somebody down.

[1282] Somebody's going down the river, not her daughter.

[1283] It's going to be me, right?

[1284] And so I never held any.

[1285] I honestly never held any resentment.

[1286] I put myself in that position.

[1287] I was responsible for it.

[1288] I paid a price, by the way.

[1289] I got written off this hot show.

[1290] Some people just can't help but be crazy.

[1291] It's very unfortunate.

[1292] And when you're talking about a girl who's a. you know, exotic dancer in LA, probably on drugs.

[1293] I mean, a good percentage.

[1294] Well, or she had a 12 year old daughter that, that was, and she went, wow, I got this chance to be with this guy who could be a star.

[1295] And I just screwed that up.

[1296] Uh, and I might've just screwed that up.

[1297] And, and, uh, you know, I got to silence my phone.

[1298] I'm sorry.

[1299] I thought I did.

[1300] Um, yeah, so I just never, uh, and we, we reconcile me and the guy.

[1301] Well, he found out the truth and, and it was fine.

[1302] You know?

[1303] Yeah.

[1304] I saw him.

[1305] like right after it happened.

[1306] I know.

[1307] And I think, God, what a mess.

[1308] The whole thing was just such a mess.

[1309] A bad situation.

[1310] I felt, I felt almost a little bit guilty that I, I had left her alone with you.

[1311] Yeah.

[1312] Cause I, you know, I knew you were creeped out.

[1313] Yeah.

[1314] Long ass time ago.

[1315] You were really creeped out.

[1316] And I was like, you're going to be all right.

[1317] Yeah.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] I remember that so well I remember you saying I have a headache and I go just drive with us and you're like I can't do that I'm going home I remember that so well yeah I just remember When it was all going down, when we were at the club, I was like, this is nothing but trouble.

[1320] This is a nightmare.

[1321] First of all, she wasn't even attractive.

[1322] I'm not bullshitting.

[1323] She was an unattractive girl.

[1324] She did not have a good body.

[1325] She did not have a good face.

[1326] If you were going to go get dances, there was a bunch of really attractive girls there.

[1327] You probably would have picked someone else if that's what you were there for.

[1328] It was like she worked you for money anyway.

[1329] You got in there and she climbed on top of you.

[1330] It wasn't like she did.

[1331] She did work you.

[1332] She kept saying, you want another dance?

[1333] And you kept peeling off money.

[1334] Remember I told you to sit next to me?

[1335] Yes.

[1336] So it didn't look like she was just dancing on me. I go, dude, you got to sit next to me. Because I don't want, you know, she's dancing on me the whole time.

[1337] This is ridiculous.

[1338] I even got you a dance from another girl to get her off your lap.

[1339] I remember that.

[1340] I paid a pretty girl to go over and dance with him to get her off his lap.

[1341] But you know what?

[1342] Now as you get older, you know what you do?

[1343] You get up and leave.

[1344] Yeah, yeah.

[1345] Or you don't go there in the first place.

[1346] But when you're young, we're such idiots.

[1347] We were such idiots.

[1348] But we were retarded.

[1349] But sane enough to know that this was a giant monster problem.

[1350] That was just one step along the way of me realizing that crazy girls aren't really fun.

[1351] I used to think crazy...

[1352] Remember me?

[1353] Yeah, dude.

[1354] I was the king of that.

[1355] Dude, no one.

[1356] Joe would sniff it out so fast.

[1357] He'd go...

[1358] I'd be into this girl.

[1359] I'd be dating her.

[1360] He'd go, she's crazy.

[1361] I'd go, no, no, no, no. She's a good girl.

[1362] No, dude, she's crazy.

[1363] You need to run now.

[1364] Nah, I'm not going to listen to Joe.

[1365] Six months later, pregnant?

[1366] What?

[1367] My house?

[1368] I've got an unusual ability to spot people who are off.

[1369] There's a smell that they have.

[1370] There's a way that they communicate with me. I don't know what it is.

[1371] Maybe it's because I'm a little aggressive.

[1372] And even though I'm really nice and friendly, there's something about me that just puts people on a little bit of an edge.

[1373] Because I look like I could be a douchebag.

[1374] You saved me. But because of that, because I have this weird...

[1375] thing about me, sometimes people get a little uneasy.

[1376] And when people get a little uneasy just for a second, they reveal who they really are.

[1377] There's just something about people.

[1378] When they know you're looking at them, they know you're paying attention to them.

[1379] It's like when you're going on stage and you're bombing on stage.

[1380] You know that hyper -sensitive feeling that you have of being judged and watched and you're falling short?

[1381] Well, when people are crazy and you look at them funny, they'll just show it to you.

[1382] They're just like, I'm crazy.

[1383] Sometimes when you do it to me, it creeps me out.

[1384] Like, all right, this guy's going to rape me. You know, it's not.

[1385] But you keep it together.

[1386] You're a good -looking guy.

[1387] I do.

[1388] I don't snap.

[1389] Crazy people, you have to allow them to pretend that they're normal.

[1390] You have to allow them.

[1391] You give them time.

[1392] You have a conversation with them.

[1393] Things get rolling.

[1394] And you go, well, I'm just going to let this guy get away with this.

[1395] All right, Bob.

[1396] Well, very nice meeting you.

[1397] Enjoy.

[1398] Indeed.

[1399] But if you don't do that, if you're like, why are you talking to me like that?

[1400] What's going on here?

[1401] Are you crazy?

[1402] What's going on here?

[1403] But if you expose that right away, then all the crazy juice comes flying out of us.

[1404] That's interesting because you've always been so good at that, man. Dude, I nailed a bunch of his.

[1405] I nailed one that turned out to be a prostitute and drug addict.

[1406] You saved my life, though.

[1407] I was going to get married because somebody got pregnant.

[1408] You literally were on the phone going, I'm losing you, man. I'm losing you.

[1409] You're talking yourself into it.

[1410] I know you.

[1411] This is not the girl you want to spend the rest of your life.

[1412] your life with you.

[1413] I'm losing you.

[1414] I remember that.

[1415] And I compared her to Patty because his ex -girlfriend was like super cool, super intelligent, like really fun to be around.

[1416] And this girl was just a zombie, just a mess.

[1417] It was just, it was all bad energy and fucking just, oh.

[1418] And then he was like telling me that this is it.

[1419] He's going to settle down.

[1420] I'm like, whoa, you know, having a kid is one thing that's not in your control, but you cannot fucking marry this chick.

[1421] You should have run away from her a long time ago.

[1422] She was nuts.

[1423] Best thing I ever did.

[1424] I was around so many of them.

[1425] I got to smell them.

[1426] I got to know what they're like.

[1427] Well, L .A., come on, man. It's the one place I never got used to.

[1428] I was going to say I lived overseas.

[1429] The point of that was I can get used to anything.

[1430] L .A. is the one place I actually never really got used to because you ran into so many crazy people.

[1431] Yeah, and people who live in the rest of the country, I don't think you really can understand how nutty it is.

[1432] Just think of this place, and there's this place where everyone gravitates to that has a deficit, like really needs an incredible amount of attention, and we're both guilty of it.

[1433] You know what I mean?

[1434] Look, there's only one way you become a comedian.

[1435] You have to have a fucked up childhood where you're not loved enough.

[1436] It's just this fact.

[1437] It freaks my mom out when I say that.

[1438] And it's not her.

[1439] And she did her best.

[1440] But my parents were divorced.

[1441] And I don't know my dad.

[1442] And you've got your issues.

[1443] And I've got my issues.

[1444] And all actors have their issues.

[1445] All of them.

[1446] There's no other reason.

[1447] And there's a few people.

[1448] You know who's cool?

[1449] That dude from Vegas, Josh Duhamel.

[1450] He's a good guy.

[1451] I work with him.

[1452] Fucking cool as shit.

[1453] Like regular, down to earth.

[1454] There's a bunch that are like that.

[1455] Mario Lopez is like that.

[1456] Just regular, normal, down -the -earth dude.

[1457] Very cool.

[1458] But most people, no. Most people, they have this giant hole.

[1459] And that's how they've made it to the top of the heap.

[1460] Because their hole is so needy that they're just stuffing things into it all the time to try to stay famous.

[1461] I mean, it's a mad sickness and an obsession.

[1462] And here's this one place on the map where everyone gravitates to to try to be the next that guy.

[1463] They want to be Tom Cruise.

[1464] And they outnumber everyone else.

[1465] And even if you get out here where I live, out deep into the burbs, you find them, the ones that have given up.

[1466] They all have aspirations.

[1467] There's wives down the street here that want to be on the Real Housewives of fucking Calabasas or some shit.

[1468] I mean, there's all of them.

[1469] They wanted to be a singer.

[1470] It didn't work out.

[1471] There's so many of them.

[1472] It's like my buddy.

[1473] My buddy was like, why does my dentist have a screenplay?

[1474] Fuck!

[1475] Or a headshot.

[1476] Or a headshot.

[1477] Really?

[1478] Jesus.

[1479] You dig a little bit and you find out everybody came out here to act.

[1480] That's why you sit through traffic.

[1481] And how many people try to get you to read their shit?

[1482] We just had a situation.

[1483] Well, dude, I've had so many situations, but guys who try to get me to produce their shit.

[1484] Like, I have this idea.

[1485] I just want to produce a pilot.

[1486] You think you can help me?

[1487] Like, what are you talking about, man?

[1488] I deal with it every single day.

[1489] Or favors.

[1490] Everyone has favors, too.

[1491] I need help.

[1492] Can you film this audition for me or do this for that?

[1493] Can you help me get in the Comedy and Magic Club?

[1494] I don't even know you do.

[1495] Can I open for you on the road?

[1496] It's constant.

[1497] It's never good either.

[1498] Did you ever email someone and ask them if you could open for them?

[1499] No. Especially when you were an open -miker.

[1500] I've had open -mikers that ask, there's this one kid from England, and he sends me this thing.

[1501] He says he's one of the youngest headliners ever in England, and he wants to co -headline with me next time I do a gig up there.

[1502] And he's worked with this guy and that guy.

[1503] He's coming to America soon.

[1504] What the fuck are you talking about?

[1505] I need you.

[1506] Yeah.

[1507] You know what?

[1508] That's exactly what my show's missing.

[1509] I need a co -headliner, a young co -headliner.

[1510] Could you imagine just you would decide that you would attach yourself to someone else's show?

[1511] I couldn't even imagine thinking like that.

[1512] Like if someone was playing in town, like say if when I was first starting out, you know, Bill Hicks was coming into town.

[1513] When I was an open miker, you know, the idea that you would call up, hey, can I get seven minutes on Bill Hicks' show?

[1514] Like what?

[1515] Well, I think it's a question that a lot of people.

[1516] It's just need, a constant need.

[1517] And they don't understand you.

[1518] You've got to earn things, and it takes time.

[1519] Yeah.

[1520] Well, there's plenty of places to get on stage.

[1521] The time to get on stage is not during a professional show.

[1522] It's during all those bringer shows, and then you eventually put together an act, and then people put you on your show because they want you on their show.

[1523] You don't go soliciting for it on other people's shows.

[1524] But stand -up is also one of those strange things, like acting, but especially stand -up.

[1525] You can be an actor and get away with it sometimes.

[1526] You can be a good -looking 22 -year -old and get a show and actually make a lot of money for five years, and then that parlays into another show.

[1527] And before you know it, you've got like a big house and millions of dollars.

[1528] Right.

[1529] Because, you know, if you're somewhat emotionally available and, you know, but stand up is one thing you cannot fake.

[1530] Can't fake it.

[1531] And don't tell me you want to get into it when you're 38.

[1532] It's just going to be a waste of your time.

[1533] So you're not going to be willing to do the things you have to do in order to get good at it.

[1534] You have to you have to live it.

[1535] You have to be there every night.

[1536] You have to perform everywhere.

[1537] You got to do coffee shops and shitholes and dive bars.

[1538] The only way in is through.

[1539] And, you know, it's also a rhythm.

[1540] Like I've never tried.

[1541] People ask me, how come I perform every week?

[1542] Because if I take too much time off, I lose my rhythm.

[1543] It's like a song in a way.

[1544] If you're not thinking about it, you're not writing new stuff either.

[1545] It's constantly alive.

[1546] You have to keep it alive.

[1547] If I don't perform every week, I'll go sometimes where I'll take a couple weeks off and then I do a show.

[1548] I always feel it.

[1549] I always feel a little off.

[1550] No doubt.

[1551] But then when you do a weekend, a long weekend, somewhere like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, by the time Sunday rolls around.

[1552] You're just a juggernaut.

[1553] Yeah, I liken it to sort of – I was in Canada, and it was a Sunday.

[1554] I had one of the best shows I've ever had, and I likened to it.

[1555] I got this feeling.

[1556] I got this kind of like – I felt like this warm, kind of cloudy feeling.

[1557] And I knew I didn't have to really do anything.

[1558] Everything kind of took over.

[1559] You ever feel that way?

[1560] Yes, that's the ride, man. You're riding it.

[1561] I'm coming up with jokes.

[1562] They're coming to me on stage.

[1563] It's like that flow.

[1564] It's the greatest feeling.

[1565] That's when you're tuning in.

[1566] You're channeling, right?

[1567] Yeah, it is like you're channeling.

[1568] I always say that, and I describe this on stage this way.

[1569] that when I'm at my best, it's like I'm a passenger.

[1570] It's like I'm riding it.

[1571] There's a great story about this.

[1572] The guy who won the Fields Medal in Mathematics, he figured out a math equation they've been trying to figure out since 1806, and the answer was 357 pages long or something like that.

[1573] It gives you an idea.

[1574] So he wins the Fields Medal in Mathematics, which is worth a million dollars, and it's the Nobel Prize for math, basically.

[1575] It's the Fields Medal, right?

[1576] It's the most prestigious thing.

[1577] So this genius, he's the Siberian.

[1578] guy.

[1579] Oh, I heard about this guy.

[1580] He disappeared.

[1581] Well, he disappeared.

[1582] And they found him in his aunt's like shack, fishing shack, like a year later.

[1583] And they were like, you know, BBC was like, look, you won this, you know, Fields Medal.

[1584] Why didn't you take it?

[1585] And he said, well, you guys are worshipping the wrong thing.

[1586] You should be worshipping.

[1587] It's like worshipping the radio, the receiver, instead of the actual music.

[1588] He goes, the answer's always been in the template in the sky.

[1589] I just happen to have a certain frequency and wiring that was able to channel it through my body.

[1590] Don't worship me for being wired a certain way.

[1591] I just channeled it.

[1592] Worship the actual equation.

[1593] I went, you know what?

[1594] That's a great way of looking at everything.

[1595] That's what a lot of artists...

[1596] A lot of people call it the muse, and they've called it that for thousands of years, that something comes to you and gives you these ideas.

[1597] Like the story you're going to write already exists.

[1598] What is the guy who wrote, though, War of Art?

[1599] Is that Pressfield?

[1600] Steven Pressfield, yeah.

[1601] Good book.

[1602] Great book for creative people who are into something that gives you inspiration to write and work.

[1603] It's a really good book for that.

[1604] It's called The War for Art. War of Art. He talks about resistance and how resistance is constant.

[1605] But if you keep showing...

[1606] The gods will kind of reveal in pieces your story.

[1607] Yes.

[1608] And he talks very openly about the idea that a muse comes to him.

[1609] And Stephen King, I've heard him say something very similar as well.

[1610] And I always say that I feel like when my ideas come to me, when they come to me, it's when I'm empty.

[1611] When I'm empty and then they just file it in and I'm just sort of sorting them out along the way.

[1612] When they come to me on stage, like I've had bits come to me on stage, full bits.

[1613] Me too.

[1614] It just comes to me. It might be too.

[1615] two, three minutes long and I'll keep going on it.

[1616] And it's crazy.

[1617] And it's like, it's out of the sky.

[1618] You know, so weird, isn't it?

[1619] Yeah.

[1620] I allow myself.

[1621] For that to happen on purpose, I put myself in tricky situations.

[1622] I'll start talking about something where I don't have a bit on it.

[1623] I don't even know what I'm going to say.

[1624] I'll put myself in that situation so that I'm on my hyper comedy mode because I'm on stage and there's pressure because people are watching.

[1625] Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

[1626] If it doesn't, then it seems like I'm talking about nonsense for a minute.

[1627] Then I transition quickly to something that I know is going to be funny.

[1628] Every now and then you'll go down a road.

[1629] and then, oh, look, I found a bag of gold.

[1630] It's like you almost can't take credit for that.

[1631] No, you can't.

[1632] Musicians talk about it.

[1633] Jazz musicians call it swinging.

[1634] And when they're out on that limb and they're swinging, they've got to find their way back in a thematic way that comes back to the original tune they were playing.

[1635] And that's what Milton Mercer has always said.

[1636] Well, you know, that exists in jujitsu and that exists even in playing pool.

[1637] There's a thing in playing pool you call where you're in dead stroke.

[1638] When you're in dead stroke, it's like your arm...

[1639] is tuned into the stick, which is tuned into the ball, which is tuned into the cloth.

[1640] You know exactly how hard you have to hit the ball to move it in a certain position.

[1641] You know exactly what kind of spin in English, and it's all just automatic.

[1642] You don't even have to think.

[1643] You can't miss. It's the stuff I think, I think that's what I really, what drives me in art, or whatever you want to call it.

[1644] It's the reason I show up, you know?

[1645] It's like, Flannery O 'Connor is a great writer in the 30s, died of MS, whatever.

[1646] And she said, I sit at my typewriter every morning at 6 .30 not to write, but in case something...

[1647] happens.

[1648] It's an act of faith.

[1649] Well, that's the Pressfield argument, that he believes that you show up and that the muse will greet you, that you put in the discipline and it will reward you.

[1650] You need to put in the discipline.

[1651] The gods have to see that you are worthy.

[1652] But he's the first guy that I've ever heard address resistance and the resistance to right, which I have very badly.

[1653] And I think everyone creative does.

[1654] We all do.

[1655] It's like getting in the cold water.

[1656] It's like when you're just like, I've got to get in this cold water.

[1657] I know my body's going to acclimate.

[1658] Once you start flowing, you're flowing.

[1659] But the things I find to do every day rather than write, like I'll clean the dishes.

[1660] I'll make every phone call I can.

[1661] I'll read articles on the web that have nothing to do with anything.

[1662] I'll find incredible websites.

[1663] I'll beat off.

[1664] Forget it.

[1665] The problem with the internet is that it's right there on your computer.

[1666] And so when you're supposed to be writing, I have this awesome program.

[1667] It's called Write Room.

[1668] Check this out.

[1669] And I have it for the Mac.

[1670] But when you click on it and it opens up, you...

[1671] you lose everything on your desktop.

[1672] See that like that?

[1673] So it's just green.

[1674] Green print on a black background.

[1675] It's awesome.

[1676] That's great.

[1677] That's how I write now because I'm such a monkey.

[1678] I can't allow myself any possible distractions.

[1679] I'm just too stupid.

[1680] You're in good company.

[1681] Why is it that so many creative people are like that?

[1682] Why is it if you love the idea of creating?

[1683] I do.

[1684] I love writing blogs.

[1685] I love putting them up and getting feedback.

[1686] I love that people enjoy them.

[1687] I'm loving writing this book.

[1688] I love it.

[1689] Last night I wrote a bunch of good shit that I really enjoyed.

[1690] Such a good feeling.

[1691] It's cathartic.

[1692] And I go to bed all energized.

[1693] I feel like, wow, I did some good shit.

[1694] But why is it that the next day I will watch 15 YouTube videos on the 2011 Shelby Mustang for 45 minutes?

[1695] 550 horsepower, man. Look at that.

[1696] Aluminum block.

[1697] That thing is the shit.

[1698] It's a modern muscle car.

[1699] Meanwhile, I don't get any satisfaction.

[1700] I leave and I go to bed.

[1701] When I do that, I'm feeling like a loser.

[1702] You're stressed.

[1703] Yes.

[1704] You're stressed because you haven't done your work.

[1705] Exactly.

[1706] really pretend that I'm not disciplined because I'm pretty disciplined.

[1707] I get a lot of shit done, but not as much as I could.

[1708] No, I think...

[1709] Adderall.

[1710] Is that the key?

[1711] That's what you need.

[1712] I don't need that shit.

[1713] I know someone who's on that and he bust it.

[1714] No pill's going to take you away from the human condition and the responsibility of actually...

[1715] What I think is neat about art is creating things.

[1716] Usually you're creating something out of nothing, but not that it's not connected to other things and other experiences, but you're trying to create something out of nothing.

[1717] The other issue is that I find writing, and if you find your voice in whatever you're doing, you're actually getting down and distilling who you really are.

[1718] You're getting down to the core of who you really are, and it's way easier in life to pretend, man. It's way easier in life to be a character.

[1719] It just is.

[1720] I spent so much time as a kid building armor around myself because the world was a dangerous place, and that really wasn't where my strength lay.

[1721] Most of us are – I had a teacher, an old teacher used to say, to be all you can be, you've got to face up to who you're pretending to be.

[1722] And really, I think most of us are walking around, man, playing a character and not really even...

[1723] You ever listen to conversations with people?

[1724] Well, stand -up exposes that, but acting does not.

[1725] No, it doesn't.

[1726] Acting reinforces those shields to get thicker and deeper.

[1727] Probably.

[1728] I do think that someone like Daniel Day -Lewis might be...

[1729] He said something interesting.

[1730] He was like, why are you guys so interested in my process?

[1731] I show up on a set having thoughts that don't belong to me and talking...

[1732] like that, like a way.

[1733] And he goes, and you know why I'm an actor?

[1734] And they go, why?

[1735] Why?

[1736] Why?

[1737] He goes, because I'm essentially ashamed of being a boring middle -class Englishman.

[1738] I live a boring life.

[1739] So I have to pretend it was so great, but he does in some way tap into a real.

[1740] Yeah.

[1741] And he taps into a truth within him.

[1742] I think like he, he likes to find that character within him that actually exists.

[1743] Maybe it's a past life.

[1744] Well, I think what he's really good at, he's really good at becoming another human being, you know, and that's, there's a real.

[1745] art in that.

[1746] You know what the art is?

[1747] It's not judging that other human being.

[1748] That's what the art is, I think.

[1749] Just becoming them.

[1750] Yeah, like when you play, like Robert Duvall was playing Stalin, and I think he said, well, how do you play a monster?

[1751] And he says, he's not a monster.

[1752] And they said, well, he killed 40 million people.

[1753] He goes, yeah, but the actor can't think that.

[1754] And he said, well, what'd you do?

[1755] And he said, I played a man trying to solve a problem.

[1756] And if that problem was too many people in the Ural mountains, well, I got to get rid of them.

[1757] I'm just trying to industrialize the Soviet Union.

[1758] Our problem is we're in the 1800s.

[1759] I got to industrial, which means I got to move entire swaths of people over there.

[1760] And by the way, if you're in my way, I got to kill you.

[1761] It's just easier.

[1762] And it was really interesting.

[1763] He said that's the way you can't judge the person you're playing.

[1764] Those actors, that's a different breed.

[1765] That's a complete breed apart from what we're talking about.

[1766] We shouldn't even be calling them actors because they just happen to choose acting.

[1767] The nutty people, we should call them just energy holes.

[1768] Whether they're actors or singers or they could be comic book artists.

[1769] Whatever the fuck they are.

[1770] It's just those people that need.

[1771] They just need attention.

[1772] There's a big difference between that and, say, a...

[1773] Somebody trying to say something.

[1774] Yeah, Gary Oldman.

[1775] There's an artist.

[1776] That's a guy.

[1777] He becomes different human beings.

[1778] There's a real craft to it.

[1779] And would probably be doing it regardless of the money or the...

[1780] He's driven by kind of mining the psyches of the human mind, the human psyche.

[1781] And driven by just producing this really...

[1782] perfect character.

[1783] And heroin.

[1784] And driven by heroin.

[1785] A little bit.

[1786] Let's be honest.

[1787] Is he?

[1788] From what I understand, he likes his drugs.

[1789] I guess he's better now.

[1790] It's amazing how much good music has come from heroin.

[1791] Yeah.

[1792] There's a lot of people that were in heroin.

[1793] You know what, though?

[1794] There's a counterargument to that, and that is this.

[1795] Nick Kent, who is a rock journalist in the 60s, wrote a book called The Dark Stuff.

[1796] And a lot of people would say that what was really, really – there was this explosion in music with the Monterey Music Festival and things like that where the drug of choice at the time was weed and a little psychedelic stuff.

[1797] Hold on one second.

[1798] Key up.

[1799] Find it online.

[1800] Voodoo Child's Slight Return.

[1801] That's such a great...

[1802] Jimi Hendrix is...

[1803] If I had to choose one music to listen to for the rest of my life, only one, it would be Jimi Hendrix songs.

[1804] And you'd be right there.

[1805] I'm there with Zeppelin, too.

[1806] A rabid heroin user.

[1807] He connected to the fucking, the vibrations of the universe.

[1808] Here's what they find.

[1809] What they believe killed that music movement, you had this incredible successful music, was heroin and cocaine.

[1810] It does both.

[1811] Yeah.

[1812] And so what you had was a bunch of musicians in the 60s whose heroes were who?

[1813] The black blues musicians.

[1814] And Stanley Krauts wrote this really cool essay that said that what happened was...

[1815] like Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, etc., who died all coincidentally at 27, was that their heroes were these blues musicians who were doing drugs, right?

[1816] They wanted to be like their heroes.

[1817] They were subscribing to an addiction as opposed to overcoming something.

[1818] Whereas the black musicians who had to come in through the back door and play for a white audience and eat a hot dog and a warm cup of coffee, they basically felt guilty as like survivor guilt.

[1819] They were making all this money and they were rich, but they couldn't even play to other black people and they were living in a segregated society.

[1820] So a lot of them went into drugs as a way of dealing with that guilt.

[1821] Whereas you had these white 60s musicians who were like, hero did drugs, I'm going to do drugs because that's part of being a rock and roller.

[1822] The problem is when you choose heroin as your drug instead of weed, you're going to have a hard time staying awake to write good music.

[1823] That is true.

[1824] What gives you this inspiration, what connects you to the universe, utterly destroys your body and makes you a prisoner of it.

[1825] Cue it to the beginning of this.

[1826] Hit the very beginning.

[1827] There's something about the music from the fucking 60s, especially like this kind of Hendrix.

[1828] There's something so universal about it.

[1829] It just lasts.

[1830] I believe they were trying to say something for real and change the world.

[1831] They were idealists to believe that they could.

[1832] That's because everybody was high.

[1833] We live in a cynical time now where nothing changes anything, right?

[1834] Listen to this, man. There had been nothing remotely like this.

[1835] There's no one had done anything like this with a guitar before.

[1836] Have you heard anything even remotely like this?

[1837] Still to this day.

[1838] There's one guy that comes close.

[1839] He's a monster, isn't he?

[1840] Yeah, dude.

[1841] It's just like this music is so good.

[1842] It lasts for so long.

[1843] It's still awe -inspiring now.

[1844] 40 years later.

[1845] The layers to it.

[1846] And this is all psychedelic -inspired.

[1847] It's all a bunch of different drugs.

[1848] It's also 10 ,000 hours of practice.

[1849] Yes, it's that too.

[1850] The discipline in the practice makes the human being the very best antenna to tune in the magic of the universe.

[1851] And when you dissolve the ego completely, like when you do a lot of psychedelics and you're an artist like Jimi Hendrix, you crush that thing.

[1852] To the point where you're so open when you're on stage.

[1853] The music is so tuned in.

[1854] You know who's doing something with a guitar in today's world who I think is unbelievable is Jack White.

[1855] Yeah?

[1856] From the White Stripes?

[1857] I don't know them enough.

[1858] I love him.

[1859] He's a monster.

[1860] I know a bunch of their songs that I've heard that I really enjoy, but I don't know enough about them.

[1861] Him live?

[1862] No, no, no. He never plays the same song twice the same way ever.

[1863] Really?

[1864] He's a true...

[1865] I mean, if you hear him, you ever hear that song, Jolene?

[1866] I don't scream at it.

[1867] Totally.

[1868] Or that other song.

[1869] He does stuff on a guitar that's...

[1870] Jolene?

[1871] Yeah.

[1872] Is that the Dolly Parton song?

[1873] He sings the Dolly Parton cover.

[1874] Get the fuck out of here.

[1875] That is, I mean, it's riveting.

[1876] Cue that shit up, Brad.

[1877] This is the beautiful thing about what we got going on here, dude.

[1878] We got computers.

[1879] I love it.

[1880] This is almost like a real radio show.

[1881] Yeah, man. But, you know, it's sad that, you know, all these...

[1882] Different greats that got into heroin all wound up dying, you know, really fucked up deaths.

[1883] Janis Joplin, Hendrix, I mean, so many great musicians.

[1884] And what it did was it kind of robbed us of what else they were going to be capable of doing.

[1885] Right, but is the argument that they would have never been who they were without the drugs?

[1886] And even though the drugs robbed them, it's almost like...

[1887] The amount of energy, I mean, this is a shitty argument, but just for the sake of saying it, like think about what Jimi Hendrix has done and the amount of impact that he had in such a short life.

[1888] I mean, I think, what was he, 28 or something when he died?

[1889] He was 37 years old.

[1890] Think about the amount, the impact that that guy had in his short time on this earth.

[1891] Hold on.

[1892] Listen to this song.

[1893] Well, hold on a second.

[1894] Think about the impact this guy had in his short time on Earth, in his short time where he was completely drugged out of his fucking head.

[1895] It's like this accelerated burst of creativity.

[1896] It's almost like he used up all of his energy in one big explosion.

[1897] Well, is that the case, or did he already come to the table before he started doing drugs, prodigiously talented, prodigiously technical on the guitar, and then slowly eroded that talent?

[1898] That's the other question.

[1899] There's a good possibility of that.

[1900] I think it's both.

[1901] Is it the wrong song?

[1902] Yeah, no, I'll find it.

[1903] These motherfuckers.

[1904] What kind of a radio show are we running here, ladies and gentlemen?

[1905] If you are in your car right now, if you are at the gym, if you are on the train on the way to work, I apologize for the unprofessional behavior.

[1906] Here we go.

[1907] Here he is.

[1908] Maybe worst recording of all time?

[1909] Yeah.

[1910] Okay, I'm glad you guys are...

[1911] Click on this one.

[1912] Oh, we'll find it.

[1913] So this is Jack White and he's singing Jolene.

[1914] And this is a Dolly Parton song that made me cry when I was 18.

[1915] Which I believe is about her pleading with her own addiction, which is Jolene.

[1916] Don't take my man away.

[1917] Wow.

[1918] I can't compete with you because you're too strong.

[1919] What was her addiction?

[1920] She was writing for somebody who was into dick.

[1921] Okay, we don't need this part.

[1922] This is dumb.

[1923] That's the worst banter ever, dudes talking to the audience in between songs.

[1924] I've got an awesome one, though, with Paul Stanley.

[1925] It's a compilation that some dude in New York did.

[1926] All Paul Stanley's cheesiest lines ever talking to the audience.

[1927] I've got to hear that.

[1928] It's fantastic.

[1929] I would love to.

[1930] She's screaming.

[1931] Goddamn.

[1932] Watch this.

[1933] Okay.

[1934] Dude, that's a talented motherfucker.

[1935] He's unbelievable.

[1936] He filled the hole kind of for me when Kurt Cobain died.

[1937] He kind of replaced my Kurt Cobain for me. Really?

[1938] Yeah.

[1939] I need to pay attention more to them.

[1940] Please do.

[1941] He's a total innovator and it's a two -man band.

[1942] What is it about someone singing a really badass song that just really gives you a...

[1943] a burst in your body.

[1944] It might be, it might be, dude, it might be honestly to me the most powerful art form and for that reason.

[1945] Yeah.

[1946] You literally feel inspiration and energy.

[1947] Yeah.

[1948] This woman, Karen Armstrong, wrote a book called A Case for God and she was, it was like, she was like, you know, people, well, you have atheists who talk, they look at a fundamentalist concept of God and she said, look, she goes, God is not something you're supposed to be able to explain, but I can tell you when you listen to an incredible piece of music that's written, that's profoundly sad, yet fills you with an inexplicable joy or quickening energy, that inspiration is every bit as real as what you can touch in front of you.

[1949] That is maybe more real and what we stay alive for.

[1950] with the divine or the concept of a god or this benevolent, insane good that we can't really actually measure or categorize.

[1951] And it's kind of a cool book.

[1952] So what music is is like an energy source that we create, an emotional energy source.

[1953] And if you...

[1954] put the words right and the music right and the right person delivering it with the right amount of honesty, it just taps into the very, like, just the fiber of your being.

[1955] It just charges you.

[1956] Well, it's called harmony.

[1957] You know, the Greeks describe beauty in one word.

[1958] Socrates said, how do you describe beauty?

[1959] And Aristotle and Socrates, they always used one word, harmony.

[1960] So when you see a cheetah running, you say, that's beautiful.

[1961] The reason you say it's beautiful is because its body is working in such harmonious, like...

[1962] It's such lockstep with itself.

[1963] And music is the same way.

[1964] That's one of the reasons why I call fights beautiful.

[1965] No doubt.

[1966] Whenever dudes smash guys, I always say, look at this beautiful combination.

[1967] And watch how he ends with this kick to the body, and you see his whole body cave in.

[1968] There's beauty in that, man. Man, fighting to me, the reason I love watching fighting, and I always loved to fight when I was coming up and young and stuff, was that to me it is one of the purest things someone can endeavor to do.

[1969] When you fight on the level of guys like Nate Marcor, Anderson Silva, it requires...

[1970] All of you.

[1971] It requires your cunning, your courage, your strength, your flexibility.

[1972] People say, oh, he's a horseback rider.

[1973] You use every muscle in your body.

[1974] You don't know what you're talking about.

[1975] Get in a ring and roll around, bro.

[1976] That's a different muscle.

[1977] Yeah, you don't even have to spar anybody.

[1978] Go punch the bag for three minutes.

[1979] But also, if you get into a ring and somebody's trying to kick you and punch you in the head, you may not come out the same.

[1980] Exactly.

[1981] You may be dead.

[1982] You have a massive, massive emotional charge connected to your performance.

[1983] You're literally fighting over your very health.

[1984] Your very health long term.

[1985] Not just tonight.

[1986] If you fight a really scary dude, you fight an Anderson Silva, you have to think that guy's going to change your brain.

[1987] That guy might head kick you and change your brain.

[1988] Every man, I believe, every man's biggest fear is that he's a coward.

[1989] If you ask every man's biggest aspiration is to be a hero, and his biggest fear is that he finds himself out to be a coward.

[1990] And when you fight and you put yourself into a ring where somebody might kick and punch, you face up to that.

[1991] And it's why I have so much respect for fighters.

[1992] I've always found fighting to be...

[1993] When I watch a really great fight, I cry sometimes because I find it so dramatic and glorious.

[1994] Do you have your pants on?

[1995] I never wear my pants.

[1996] I never wear my pants.

[1997] I always wear a testicle cinch, though, to keep myself disciplined.

[1998] A testicle cinch?

[1999] How does that work?

[2000] It's made of hemp rope.

[2001] I can't go into it right now, but I sell them on my website.

[2002] What is their website?

[2003] BrianKallen .com?

[2004] BrianKallen .com.

[2005] I don't really cry, but it just sounds good for chicks, by the way.

[2006] Sounds awesome.

[2007] Do you Twitter a lot?

[2008] Do you check your Twitter all day?

[2009] First time I went to Brian's house, first time ever, Brian had, what is it?

[2010] To Kill a Mockingbird sitting there on his coffee table or something.

[2011] Something like...

[2012] Probably.

[2013] Oh, no, no. I was laying all the books out.

[2014] Yeah.

[2015] What was the book?

[2016] It was To Kill a Mockingbird.

[2017] I had Shakespeare out.

[2018] Jack Kerouac was out.

[2019] And so I came over his house and I just immediately started giving him shit.

[2020] I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

[2021] You ain't reading these things.

[2022] I go, you throw these down for when chicks come over.

[2023] You look like all deep and shit.

[2024] I called Jimmy Burke.

[2025] I was like, dude, I'm a hoax.

[2026] I'm a hoax.

[2027] I'm laying books around my room because there's one girl I liked.

[2028] And she was like, she'd gotten a...

[2029] Harvard and I'm literally throwing books out like Babette's Feast.

[2030] I don't even know it.

[2031] I was like, Babette's Feast?

[2032] I've never read this book.

[2033] I haven't read any of them.

[2034] That's hilarious.

[2035] I'm just screwing them around.

[2036] Sorry, I'm a man of letters.

[2037] When I met Brian, he didn't have a lock or a front doorknob.

[2038] He lived in a fucking apartment.

[2039] He was on television, okay?

[2040] He lived in an apartment.

[2041] It just had a hole.

[2042] And I go, what happened?

[2043] Ah, this fucking girl came over.

[2044] Things got crazy.

[2045] Whatever.

[2046] Where did you live?

[2047] In Venice.

[2048] Venice is fucking dangerous.

[2049] On the beach.

[2050] He had an apartment on the beach, which was awesome, by the way, which is the first time I'd ever known anybody who actually lived on the beach.

[2051] Like, you left his apartment.

[2052] Like, you open the window.

[2053] There's the ocean.

[2054] It's right there.

[2055] Like, you would leave his apartment.

[2056] You'd just walk right out onto the beach.

[2057] It was fucking incredible.

[2058] Oh, you want to come over to my house?

[2059] I got a...

[2060] puppy and a view of the beach.

[2061] I don't know if you...

[2062] Are you doing anything right now?

[2063] I'm on TV.

[2064] I'm on TV.

[2065] Yeah, I was 28 years old.

[2066] Do you think I got laid?

[2067] Hey, I'm on TV.

[2068] I got a puppy and a view of the beach.

[2069] What made you live there?

[2070] What made you live right there?

[2071] Girls?

[2072] Girls?

[2073] That's with the beach?

[2074] I did everything.

[2075] I did everything with that calculation.

[2076] Why do you think I'm an actor?

[2077] What kind of a question is that?

[2078] So you became an actor just for chicks.

[2079] If you want to get serious with me now, if you want to embarrass me. Well, you started it.

[2080] Fine.

[2081] Are we in the truth here?

[2082] Yeah.

[2083] Yeah.

[2084] That's why I did everything.

[2085] I literally started learning how to fight so that I didn't have to be in a bar where somebody hit on my girl and I had to walk away and look bad in front of her.

[2086] If you're worried about your own safety, you're just worried about cutting down your pussy.

[2087] That's right.

[2088] At least I don't look like a coward, even though I am.

[2089] At least I can fake it and keep the guy busy for a while and get laid, hopefully, later on.

[2090] Do you bust out the, hey, I was in Sex and the City?

[2091] Do I have my reel on me on a loop when they come into my house?

[2092] You play it on your iPhone.

[2093] You should have it keyed up on YouTube on your iPhone.

[2094] Is that thing on again?

[2095] This is crazy.

[2096] You know, a lot of people recognize me from Sex and the City, but they really recognize me from being an original cast member of MADtv.

[2097] The Hangover, did somebody just recognize me?

[2098] I'll recognize myself sometimes.

[2099] The MADtv thing was such a strange thing, man. You only did, how many seasons did you do?

[2100] Two seasons.

[2101] You got lucky.

[2102] You escaped.

[2103] That was the weirdest environment ever for like a talk show.

[2104] It was a bit...

[2105] Yeah, it was very weird.

[2106] There was a lot of weird competition, and there was a lot of weird energy there.

[2107] Yeah, man. It was a rough place.

[2108] You didn't like it, right?

[2109] It was cool, though.

[2110] I got to meet Artie Lang there, too.

[2111] Yeah, I didn't like it.

[2112] I loved Artie.

[2113] How fucking great is that guy?

[2114] He's great.

[2115] And how sad is his whole situation, man?

[2116] Well, I think he...

[2117] Yeah, I think Artie just has always struggled with those demons, man. If you don't know, he attempted suicide and stabbed himself.

[2118] Stabbed himself a bunch of times.

[2119] Funniest guy, by the way, for me. Probably the funniest guy off the cuff.

[2120] like the most improvisational funny guy I've ever met.

[2121] And a beautiful person.

[2122] Yeah, he's a great guy.

[2123] Always enjoyed running into him.

[2124] And it made me really sad when I would listen to him on the Stern Show and I'd hear, oh, he's falling apart.

[2125] It was very depressing.

[2126] It's very depressing to see him that big.

[2127] See him not take care of himself and get that big.

[2128] I don't know what his condition is.

[2129] Do we know?

[2130] No, I don't know.

[2131] I have no idea.

[2132] I have no information.

[2133] It's kind of a weird situation, man, when you become that big, fat guy that everybody loves.

[2134] Because people love big, fat guys that don't give a fuck.

[2135] It's like Joey Diaz.

[2136] Also, what happens if you lose weight?

[2137] Does that mean you're actually funny anymore?

[2138] Your persona goes away?

[2139] Joey's lost 100 pounds.

[2140] Joey Diaz lost 100 pounds.

[2141] And he's funnier than...

[2142] Whatever.

[2143] He's still a fat guy.

[2144] Joey Diaz is just, he's such a character.

[2145] He's so great.

[2146] One of the greatest human beings I've ever met.

[2147] One of the coolest, most interesting finds ever as far as people to hang out with.

[2148] Yeah, you know what, man?

[2149] He's a guy, Joey Diaz is a guy who's so colorful.

[2150] And so I see so many people who have these friends and you end up hanging out with a guy and you're not laughing once.

[2151] You hang around Joey Diaz.

[2152] Constantly.

[2153] And you just stare at him and listen to his amazing stories.

[2154] Our friend Eddie Bravo.

[2155] had a wristband on once.

[2156] It was a leather wristband that he was wearing in his rock and roll man transformation.

[2157] And he had this leather wristband on.

[2158] Joey looks at him and goes, what are you waiting for, a fucking falcon to land on your arm?

[2159] Eddie got so pissed off.

[2160] He was really upset.

[2161] How is Eddie Bravo?

[2162] He's good.

[2163] He's fucking building a jujitsu empire.

[2164] Every time I see those wristbands, I'm always like, wow, that's cool.

[2165] What are you wearing, a fucking falcon?

[2166] I know, and that echoes in my head.

[2167] That's one of my jokes.

[2168] I always talk about if you're going to wear a cape, you've got to have a falcon.

[2169] Not a penguin, because that's a bad cape accessory.

[2170] Yeah, I'd love to.

[2171] I think you can get laid in 2010 with a cape and a falcon.

[2172] When did the cape just totally fall apart?

[2173] When was the last time someone could rock a cape and not look stupid?

[2174] Actually, capes have made a comeback.

[2175] I don't know if you knew that.

[2176] If you're the pope and you can bless...

[2177] a billion people like this, you can wear a cape.

[2178] Other than that, maybe Johnny Depp can get away with it.

[2179] But when did it go out of style?

[2180] In the 1800s.

[2181] In the 1800s, along with the coach and buggy.

[2182] And those crazy blonde wigs.

[2183] Yeah, dude, because nowadays you can't wear a cape and a cape is very handy.

[2184] It doubles as a wrap.

[2185] If there's like a bee swarm, people are like, bees, find water!

[2186] You can just be like, whatever.

[2187] They're not going to sting a red tent.

[2188] Fuck you, bees.

[2189] There was a Mexican fear factor.

[2190] They made their own stunts, like really dangerous, low budget, and there was a Mexican host, and the Mexican guy wore a cape.

[2191] Really?

[2192] Yeah.

[2193] There was one that I saw.

[2194] Well, I don't know if you wore them in every episode, but you wore them in one that I saw.

[2195] The guy was wearing a cape, and he had these people go through this burning building.

[2196] And we did the exact same stunt.

[2197] But when we did it, they had fire suits on and helmets and shit.

[2198] And we had people waiting with hoses and people on standby.

[2199] But we lit this fucking building on fire, and they had to go in and rescue this dummy and bring it out.

[2200] It was very difficult and hard to see.

[2201] They did it in shorts.

[2202] They reproduced the same thing.

[2203] People in fucking shorts.

[2204] They were getting third -degree burns and shit, running through fire with shorts on.

[2205] They're nuts.

[2206] No rules.

[2207] Mexico doesn't give a fuck, dude.

[2208] They don't give a shit.

[2209] They don't give a fuck.

[2210] They're tough.

[2211] Even the boxers, by the time they're 30 -year -old are eating out of a straw.

[2212] They closed down a big part of Arizona, the national park in Arizona, because it's too much Mexican gang member violence from the drug cartels.

[2213] Wow.

[2214] It's bleeding over into Arizona.

[2215] Well, the Mexicans are very, very macho.

[2216] When you watch the boxing style, they'll stand in a hole and just bang it out.

[2217] There's no moving out of the way.

[2218] Just like, let's take the punishment and see who can punch each other.

[2219] Well, sort of.

[2220] They enjoy fisticuffs and brawls.

[2221] I mean, guys like Chavez, even though he took a lot of shots, he was very hard to get.

[2222] He was very elusive for a guy that would stay on top of you.

[2223] But I'm saying a guy like Mayweather is always staying out of the way.

[2224] It's just the whole deal.

[2225] Before he even learns how to fight, he learns how to fight.

[2226] Mayweather is the most cautious of all the boxers.

[2227] Even when he hurts a guy, he doesn't pour it on.

[2228] What would happen with him and Pacquiao?

[2229] Who knows?

[2230] I mean, it's a fascinating fight, and I think a lot of people want to see it.

[2231] It's a dangerous fight for him.

[2232] For Mayweather.

[2233] It's dangerous.

[2234] Is that why you think he was saying...

[2235] But Pacquiao could get fucked up too, man. Mayweather's awesome.

[2236] He's an incredible boxer.

[2237] He's beating everybody.

[2238] He's so sharp.

[2239] His technique is so good.

[2240] He has such a deep knowledge of boxing.

[2241] He's also bigger than Pacquiao.

[2242] Yeah, he's bigger.

[2243] His technique might be a little cleaner, a little less fat to it.

[2244] He's a very smart guy too.

[2245] Pacquiao, though, is a wild man, dude.

[2246] If you look at his knockout of Ricky Hatton, the way he took apart Cotto.

[2247] Dude, he's a monster.

[2248] That little dude is...

[2249] so fast his technique is so good too yeah you know apparently when with coda when he was i was at that fight and i was pretty close to the ring and and you could um i didn't hear this but uh freddie roach afterwards was saying that you know i was telling him to knock him out and He didn't say this in so many words, but I heard this from somebody else, third person.

[2250] Pacquiao kind of likes Coda and didn't want to knock him out.

[2251] You could see he clearly had figured his number out.

[2252] He got his whole game, and he didn't put him away.

[2253] He was just hitting him, but he actually liked him and knew he could really hurt him, but didn't.

[2254] Really?

[2255] Yeah.

[2256] And before that fight, I was with some people who were friends with him, like Jeremy Piven, who was doing a documentary about his life.

[2257] He looked over.

[2258] You never see a fighter do this.

[2259] He looked over and went.

[2260] how are you?

[2261] And it was doing, and, and like, like he was like, like had walked into a club.

[2262] He was that relaxed.

[2263] Wow.

[2264] And then just went in there.

[2265] And I remember watching when, as soon as code, I think realized.

[2266] that Pacquiao had figured his game out, his whole jig was up, and all he had was just cover, and he'd just jab and cover.

[2267] That must be pretty frustrating.

[2268] Fuck.

[2269] Yeah, when you see a guy all of a sudden just get lit up.

[2270] You remember when Pacquiao fought Oscar De La Hoya?

[2271] And you could see somewhere in the second round, Oscar De La Hoya had this look in his face like, what the fuck?

[2272] What just happened?

[2273] I can't even hit this dude.

[2274] This dude is just levels above me, and I just got to go into a shell here and survive.

[2275] He fights a little bit like Duran did.

[2276] Yeah, a little bit.

[2277] Yeah, a little bit.

[2278] But he's really a style of his own.

[2279] His leg movement is like his ability to leap in and leap out, how fast he is and how mobile he is and how hard he hits too.

[2280] He's a bad little motherfucker.

[2281] Yeah, it's really hard.

[2282] It's almost as hard as monogamy.

[2283] What?

[2284] Anyway, what?

[2285] What the fuck are you talking about?

[2286] That's crazy.

[2287] You have a two -and -a -half -year -old, right?

[2288] I have a two -and -a -half -year -old.

[2289] We still haven't gotten our kids together.

[2290] This is ridiculous.

[2291] I know.

[2292] We both have two -year -olds.

[2293] Yeah.

[2294] They're almost exactly the same.

[2295] Chuck E. Cheese is for it.

[2296] We're both so similar in the fact that we're always so fucking busy.

[2297] We never get anything done that we're supposed to be doing.

[2298] Yeah, I know.

[2299] We got to do that, though, man. It's always so much fun.

[2300] Yeah, you're like one of my best friends that I never see.

[2301] I know.

[2302] It's terrible.

[2303] It's terrible.

[2304] It's sad.

[2305] How far do you live?

[2306] It's always the same, though.

[2307] Where do you live?

[2308] Venice.

[2309] You still live in Venice?

[2310] Yeah.

[2311] Okay.

[2312] Yeah, you got to get out of this.

[2313] I'm thinking about moving out, though.

[2314] Yeah, you got to get out of Gangland.

[2315] That's not an episode of Gangland this month.

[2316] Is it?

[2317] No. I'm sure it has been.

[2318] They have fucking Tampa who's on Gangland.

[2319] They find gangs in Tampa.

[2320] There's a lot of gangs everywhere, man. That's a dumb show, boy.

[2321] You ever watch that Gangland?

[2322] No. It's scary.

[2323] It makes you think that there's gangs everywhere and everyone's shooting everybody.

[2324] I like the first 48.

[2325] You ever watch that show?

[2326] Yeah.

[2327] Yes.

[2328] That's a good show.

[2329] That's my new favorite show.

[2330] I love that show.

[2331] Those shows are all educating criminals now.

[2332] They know what not to do.

[2333] Yeah.

[2334] That's real.

[2335] A lot of crime, though, is passionate, and you're not thinking, and you leave a trail with technology.

[2336] How about that Survivor guy?

[2337] Do you know the guy who was one of the producers of Survivor?

[2338] His wife turned up missing in Mexico, and they found her in a sewer.

[2339] And he's back over in America, and they're trying to figure out whether they're going to charge him and deport him to Mexico and what's going to happen.

[2340] Really?

[2341] Yeah.

[2342] Killed his wife.

[2343] Fucking arguing, screaming, and yelling.

[2344] People heard screaming and yelling, and then all of a sudden she disappears.

[2345] Sometimes you shake her a little too hard.

[2346] Fuck.

[2347] What do I do now?

[2348] How scary is that?

[2349] People that are involved in relationships, they hate each other so much, they just resort to killing each other in a marriage.

[2350] You've got to know why you're killing someone.

[2351] I'm like, oh, my God, my life is over.

[2352] I'm fucking killing this chick.

[2353] I've got to be honest with you.

[2354] I've had girls.

[2355] bring me to that level.

[2356] You have.

[2357] I'm not saying it's good.

[2358] I've gotten out of that, but I have been in some awful...

[2359] I've been outside of myself watching myself just behave like a huge a -hole.

[2360] We're both similar also in that we have both taken chances on a lot of really crazy chicks just because it was fun.

[2361] Yeah.

[2362] And they are fun, by the way.

[2363] When we first came to Hollywood, we both did the exact same thing because we used to talk about it all the time.

[2364] We would date someone that was just like fucking completely insane, but it was like, eh, no big deal.

[2365] It's fun.

[2366] That Phil Hartman shit cleared all that up for me for good.

[2367] It sure did.

[2368] When Phil Hartman got murdered.

[2369] By his wife.

[2370] That was terrible.

[2371] I was like, okay, no more.

[2372] okay, I just figured this out.

[2373] I thought it was fun.

[2374] This is not fun.

[2375] Yeah, it's not fun.

[2376] This is craziness.

[2377] What you bring into your life, man. Yeah.

[2378] And you see dudes do it all the time.

[2379] Yeah, it makes things more exciting, and it's a good distraction, too, because especially in the stress of Hollywood and the stress of trying to make it, it's like sometimes the stress is so overwhelming, you just want to get lost in something else, so you wind up having a lot of sex or getting involved in a crazy relationship.

[2380] You call it voodoo punanny, but Dov Davidoff says if love was a drug, people would be like, dude, stay away from that stuff.

[2381] You could lose your house.

[2382] That's true.

[2383] That's funny.

[2384] It's the wrong kind of love.

[2385] It's true.

[2386] It is.

[2387] It's totally true.

[2388] Well, it's not even just a love.

[2389] You can call it love, but really it's the weird connection that people have to each other where they need each other.

[2390] You become connected.

[2391] There's a bridge between you and this person, and you literally need them in your life.

[2392] You can shake yourself of it, but it's very hard.

[2393] Getting out of a relationship, how many dudes have you seen that their girl breaks up with them and then starts dating?

[2394] someone else that they know and they literally go insane.

[2395] It's insane.

[2396] It's like someone stealing happiness from you right in front of your eyes.

[2397] You can't ever accept the fact that this is just a human being that doesn't like you anymore and likes this other human being.

[2398] Well, it also comes down to a lot of people, I believe, get into relationships just so they can control someone else with their emotions and with their, you know, that's the other thing.

[2399] A lot of it really is what you learn from watching your parents.

[2400] And if your parents are fucked up and a lot of people's are, it takes a lot to, a lot of people's parents are really fucked up, right?

[2401] It takes a lot to overcome that early programming.

[2402] I don't know what you think about this, but I think a lot of making a relationship work is just, first of all, having very low expectations, and then also coming to the equation and staying in the equation as a very independent person.

[2403] Yeah, you have to be independent, and you also have to grow together, and you also have to be really honest with each other, and you also have to find one who's not nuts, and you have to not be nuts too.

[2404] In order to find one who's not nuts, you have to not be nuts as well.

[2405] Absolutely.

[2406] In order to find a nice person, you've got to be nice.

[2407] You've got to be worthy of a nice person.

[2408] I had the best advice.

[2409] someone ever gave me to make a relationship he said he had been married for 25 years I go what's your secret he goes dude I know we learn how to fight we learn that there are boundaries and places you don't go we learn how like when we were frustrated or angry with each other never get shitty with each other don't insult each other don't get violent don't throw things don't break my stuff don't fucking don't call work and be a cunt don't get nutty don't interfere with things there's a way to fight and if you learn how to release the tension or whatever you can make it work for a long time Are you listening, my son?

[2410] Yes.

[2411] What's weird is I was in a relationship that was so bad at one point that I had to start recording her, you know, as evidence.

[2412] And I'm like, I remember thinking going...

[2413] You were Mel Gibson's mistress.

[2414] I was thinking, like, this is...

[2415] How about that guy?

[2416] This is so bad that I am recording people for evidence.

[2417] I need to get out of this relationship.

[2418] And do you have those tapes?

[2419] Yeah.

[2420] Can we do something with those?

[2421] Well...

[2422] Beep out names, perhaps?

[2423] Depends.

[2424] Yeah, maybe.

[2425] Maybe we beep out names.

[2426] We could speed it up.

[2427] Yeah, let's just change the sound of the voice just to wee...

[2428] Just a wee bit.

[2429] Because I've heard about these.

[2430] I think those would be interesting for the general public.

[2431] It would take me a while to find them, but yeah.

[2432] I'd love to hear those.

[2433] That Mel Gibson one, that boy.

[2434] There's another example.

[2435] We're talking about actors being fucking crazy and thinking that they're much more important and interesting than they are because they're successful and people kiss their ass.

[2436] He might be bipolar.

[2437] He might genuinely be sick.

[2438] I think so, too.

[2439] Because that's insanity.

[2440] Well, he's an alcoholic, and Dr. Drew was talking about him, and he was saying that it seems like he's probably relapsed.

[2441] If you listen to the way he's talking, and he has some sort of a mental issue, a bipolar issue or something.

[2442] Maybe that came from being an actor.

[2443] Maybe that came from people kissing your ass on the set.

[2444] You start believing it.

[2445] And then the rational part of your brain just stops working.

[2446] Just like a guy who takes roids and his balls shrink.

[2447] I also think that acting, when you're on a set all day, it gets so boring.

[2448] Because real acting on a movie is waiting around all day.

[2449] Like I did this movie with Nick Nolte in Pittsburgh.

[2450] And Nick's been...

[2451] Is this the mixed martial arts movie?

[2452] Yeah, and he's been doing...

[2453] This is the one where you play me. Yeah, I play you.

[2454] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[2455] Oh, by the way.

[2456] By the way, there's a movie coming out called Warrior that just tested through the roof for Lionsgate.

[2457] It's got Tom Hardy and Nick Nolte and this guy, this Australian actor, Joel Edgerton, and some really great actors.

[2458] But anyway, it's going to be a great movie.

[2459] But I play Joe Rogan.

[2460] To prepare for the role, I literally watched about 50 hours of you, and I'm not kidding, on UFC.

[2461] Remember I called you about it and you said just take yourself out of the equation?

[2462] as an announcer.

[2463] Anyway, I watched you and watched you, and I've gotten some rave reviews for my performance, ladies and gentlemen.

[2464] Thank you to my friend Joe Rogan.

[2465] I can't wait to see it.

[2466] I literally played you.

[2467] I was like, how would Joe do this?

[2468] And then I just was you.

[2469] Give us an example.

[2470] Were you real technical?

[2471] I used words like, wow, and that's a huge move.

[2472] You know, just that.

[2473] Joe really gets huge with his words.

[2474] And, by the way, he loves the game.

[2475] And I'll tell you, and I've had other people say this who really know sport.

[2476] You are as good as it gets at what you do when it comes to calling those fights.

[2477] You're so knowledgeable.

[2478] You're so passionate about it.

[2479] And I don't know of anybody who can call a fight.

[2480] Well, thanks, man. But, you know what?

[2481] Honestly, I'm just a professional fan.

[2482] It's easy because of stand -up.

[2483] Because stand -up is so difficult.

[2484] And you get really good at communicating.

[2485] And you get really good at understanding economy of words and how to set things up.

[2486] And really self -aware of how you sound.

[2487] You're amazing at it.

[2488] much harder that doing commentary is like way easy.

[2489] But you know who else is great is Goldie.

[2490] Gold is great.

[2491] He's phenomenal.

[2492] The poetry he uses, he's a poet, man. He's a poet.

[2493] He's so impressive.

[2494] Well, he's very smooth.

[2495] And people give him a hard time about saying stupid shit, which you don't understand is how much of that he's just winging.

[2496] He's winging a big chunk of the stuff that he's saying.

[2497] And sometimes when you wing shit, it doesn't always come out right, and then you're stuck in a bad spot, and you've got to kind of correct yourself a little bit.

[2498] And we goof on each other every now and then if we say stupid things.

[2499] What he does is very hard to replace.

[2500] I tried doing his job once, and I was terrible at it.

[2501] It's a very specific skill.

[2502] It is.

[2503] It is.

[2504] It's a very specific skill.

[2505] But you're the best there is at it, so it's pretty fun to watch.

[2506] You spent like two months in Pittsburgh doing that, right?

[2507] Yeah, and I think it's going to be worth it at the end of the day.

[2508] It's a great movie.

[2509] So when does it come out?

[2510] Well, they were going to release it in September, but it tested so high that I think Lionsgate wants to push it toward the Oscars, from what I'm told.

[2511] So maybe December or something.

[2512] Do you feel like it's that good?

[2513] Did you like it that much?

[2514] I haven't seen it yet.

[2515] I just saw clips.

[2516] Do you like the movies that you're in?

[2517] Are you one of those dudes that even though what you're in was a piece of shit?

[2518] I watched The Hangover once.

[2519] Nobody believes me, but I never watch what I do because I'm too critical of myself.

[2520] Do you hate those guys, though, that if they do something, all of a sudden it's awesome and they love it?

[2521] You can't admit, like, Bob, your show sucks.

[2522] Yeah, it goes back to being not honest with yourself and not having perspective.

[2523] I don't watch what I do because I'm already critical enough.

[2524] For me, it's not even about the movie that comes out.

[2525] It's the experience.

[2526] It's fun that sometimes you have a really good time having a laugh on a set and acting or making believe.

[2527] That's fun for me. I do it because it's fun.

[2528] I think where I feel artistic is when I'm with stand -up where I'm writing my own stuff and I'm kind of expressing myself.

[2529] a different, there's a different motivation for it.

[2530] Yeah, fuck yeah.

[2531] That's the most fun thing for sure.

[2532] And by the way, you know, the thing about stand -up is you can never lie to yourself because you get up on stage, they either laugh or they don't.

[2533] Yeah.

[2534] And it's pretty brutal if it starts going south, man, and you're in the middle of nowhere and somebody's, you know.

[2535] You can't be faking what's funny that you think, you have to really be connected to it in order to be good.

[2536] And let me ask you this about stand -up, not to pretend it's into a stand -up thing, but the other thing is, I thought about this, somebody asked me some advice, I go, well, just write what you think is funny, but in a way, way if you're trying if you're trying to be funny as opposed to um just expressing yourself honestly in a way that makes you laugh um when you're trying the audience kind of feels you manipulating them they feel the lie and it's never as funny do you know what i mean yeah and it might work a little yeah it does if you've been doing it for a long time did you see comedian I did see Comedian.

[2537] Yes, I did.

[2538] So then you saw Orny Adams performing.

[2539] Yes, I did.

[2540] And that's the kind of comedy I'm talking about.

[2541] It does work.

[2542] It's possible.

[2543] I don't believe it.

[2544] And when people don't believe it, that's the key word.

[2545] But there's like that sort of style.

[2546] It's like a style.

[2547] There's a style that will work in a crowd, but will not work one -on -one.

[2548] Joey Diaz can tell you something one -on -one, and it's just as fucking funny as if he's standing in front of 300 people saying it.

[2549] But there's a lot of comedy that's like rhythm and premise and enunciation.

[2550] You can hear it.

[2551] It's a song.

[2552] I can hear the punchline coming.

[2553] But it's not funny.

[2554] As opposed to honest expression.

[2555] But it'll still work.

[2556] Yeah, it'll still work, but then that's the difference between a hack and a real comic, in my opinion.

[2557] Not to be too much of a purist that way.

[2558] but you're right.

[2559] Yeah, like when someone is on stage and they're getting angry at something that they're not really...

[2560] Why do I get two receipts?

[2561] What is this?

[2562] It kills me. And they go crazy.

[2563] Like, are you really mad?

[2564] It's a piece of paper you put in your pocket and you leave.

[2565] Somebody said, I walked in and I heard a guy like that and I went like this.

[2566] I walked in and I went, I can't stay here.

[2567] And my buddy comes and goes, you can't be that judgmental.

[2568] And I go, dude, I know that song.

[2569] I can hear two bars of that song.

[2570] I know exactly where it's going.

[2571] I've been doing it too long.

[2572] And it makes you feel unfunny.

[2573] The thing is, when you watch someone who sucks...

[2574] Oh, it's uninspiring.

[2575] It takes all the energy out of me. Exactly.

[2576] I worked with this guy and my opener couldn't make it like on the last minute.

[2577] And so I worked with this local guy.

[2578] And this local guy, not only did he suck, he went on for 45 minutes and he did a bunch of my shit.

[2579] No. Yeah, he did like reworked bits that were like from my old CDs.

[2580] And he did this before he brought me up.

[2581] And I don't know if he was doing it to be a dick and step on my material.

[2582] If he doesn't know, I don't even do those anymore.

[2583] It was like years and years old.

[2584] Or if he was trying to fuck with my head.

[2585] Or if he's so retarded that he just, this is what he does.

[2586] He just steals shit everywhere and he forgets where it came from.

[2587] So I went on after him and I had to like jolt myself to be funny.

[2588] Like I had to listen to it because I wanted to know what the fuck he was saying.

[2589] Once I heard some of my material, I'm like, ugh.

[2590] Now I have to listen to this guy because I don't want, I mean, what if he does something that I do do?

[2591] I don't want to repeat it.

[2592] So I have to listen to this fuck now.

[2593] So I'm listening to this guy and it's like sucking all the inspiration out of my brain.

[2594] And nothing he says he believes.

[2595] Everything he says is just angry and stupid.

[2596] Somebody said, they said, how do you know, this woman asked, how do you know Gene Hackman's a great actor?

[2597] What's your criteria?

[2598] And she goes, because I always believe him.

[2599] You know, it's the same kind of thing.

[2600] Yeah, he's one of those dudes.

[2601] It's the same thing with the comic that you go, oh, I always believe you.

[2602] Like Daniel Day -Lewis.

[2603] You don't have to go into it.

[2604] Do you believe him or not, you know?

[2605] Yeah, I mean, and you know yourself when stuff connects and stuff is real.

[2606] And there's a process in developing material where there's a lot of times you're...

[2607] go down a path and there's nothing there for you you thought there was you're fucking around with it but for whatever reason it doesn't come out that is a part of the process but there's a big difference between that which is just like you know someone trying to find the comedy and someone forcing it someone like well you know and I've written plenty of things where I know like people would laugh like I'll come up with a like a thing and it's like a trick and you go that's a trick I can't do it though because it's not me right like that's a that's a trick on the audience that's just there to be funny it's like a surprise like a magic trick.

[2608] Like, oh, here's this.

[2609] You're like, nah, I don't want to be that guy.

[2610] And that sort of takes you out of who you are when you're on stage because then you're aware of that.

[2611] And when you're aware of that, then it takes away from the muse.

[2612] Whatever that weird connection is where you feel like you're a passenger.

[2613] Exactly.

[2614] You had sex with Christy Alley, right?

[2615] Whoa.

[2616] I did not.

[2617] What the fuck, Brian?

[2618] I might have stepped up, but at the hell, Brian, I did a show.

[2619] This is great.

[2620] I didn't know I'd be sick.

[2621] Is this the whole point of this podcast?

[2622] I'm being ambushed, man. It's all a two -hour trick.

[2623] Oh, can I plug that I'm going to be at the Irvine Improv tomorrow, headlining 8 o 'clock Irvine Improv.

[2624] Oh, the Irvine Improv is the shit.

[2625] We just did a whole weekend there.

[2626] That place is awesome.

[2627] I love it.

[2628] Irvine is awesome.

[2629] That's another good place.

[2630] Go, family man. Joe, did you see Nick Diaz response to last week's podcast?

[2631] Yeah, he was upset at Mayhem.

[2632] Why?

[2633] Good.

[2634] You know what?

[2635] Nick Diaz, he's saying also that mayhem is too big.

[2636] Why does a mayhem come down to 170 while you're picking on me?

[2637] I'm smaller than you, which is true.

[2638] Mayhem can never make 170.

[2639] I mean, he made it a long time ago when he fought GSP, but he had to starve himself to get down there.

[2640] Nick Diaz is a natural 170.

[2641] What is your call if, I don't want to put you on the spot, but if GSP fought Anderson Silva?

[2642] Well, if he gained weight the correct way.

[2643] It would be very, very interesting.

[2644] Will they do that?

[2645] Because Anderson is definitely the best wrestler.

[2646] Or GSP, rather, is definitely the best wrestler that Anderson has fought.

[2647] But physically, he's a smaller man. How much is that?

[2648] Anderson is really tall.

[2649] He's tall.

[2650] I think he's 6 '3", 6 '2", or 6 '3".

[2651] And he's really long, man. He's really long with his limbs.

[2652] That's one of the reasons why he can go up to 205 and then down to 85.

[2653] I don't think he could make 170, though.

[2654] He's thought about it.

[2655] He might be able to, but it might be too much of a strain on him.

[2656] But at 185, man, he's hard to fuck with.

[2657] He's so fast.

[2658] Is that what it is?

[2659] Yeah.

[2660] And if he's standing in front of GSP and GSP, you know.

[2661] can't take him down or if he decides to trade with him and gets caught.

[2662] When Anderson catches you, he's so fucking accurate.

[2663] But he's got a big test in Chael Sonnen because Chael Sonnen, the fight that he's having on August 7th, that is the biggest guy at 185 that's a wrestler.

[2664] Chael's a big motherfucker.

[2665] Is he really?

[2666] Well, you saw him manhandle Nate Marquardt.

[2667] Anybody that can do that to Nate Marquardt?

[2668] Nate Marquardt is no joke.

[2669] He's a beast.

[2670] Nate Marquardt is a fucking beast.

[2671] Chael Sonnen is a world -class wrestler.

[2672] I think Greco -Roman.

[2673] Yeah, he's a beast, too.

[2674] And his double, his power double, he runs through guys.

[2675] It's impossible to stop, almost.

[2676] He just picks them up and runs.

[2677] But if he tries to trade with...

[2678] He's fucked.

[2679] Yeah, he's going to be in trouble.

[2680] He's fucked.

[2681] Everybody who tries to trade with Anderson gets fucked.

[2682] He's too accurate.

[2683] He's too slick.

[2684] He has an athletic ability that's very rare.

[2685] He has this ability to move in and out so fast.

[2686] If you look at the Damian Maia fight, how quickly he can...

[2687] launch an attack and move forward and spring at you and tag you.

[2688] The knee that he hit Maya with, he was like no wind -up.

[2689] He just leapt through the air and smashed him with a fucking flying knee.

[2690] There's very few humans that can do that.

[2691] He looks like he's got springs in his body.

[2692] The way he handled Forrest Griffin, nobody's ever been able to do that to Forrest before.

[2693] Forrest Griffin is huge.

[2694] Huge, huge.

[2695] And a good puncher kicker, too.

[2696] Yeah, he's a real solid 230 before he cuts down to 205.

[2697] He's a giant light heavyweight.

[2698] And Anderson just ate him up.

[2699] He's a freak.

[2700] The thing would be, can he stop the shot?

[2701] That would be the thing.

[2702] The other guy like that is Fedor.

[2703] I'd love to see him fight Brock.

[2704] Did you see the Verdun fight?

[2705] I know he got caught in that, and nothing to take away from Verdun.

[2706] But, I mean, he kind of – that's something that anybody can get caught in.

[2707] But as far as, like, just timing and being able to connect and counter, I mean, he's just ridiculous.

[2708] I would like to see him fight live.

[2709] I think he's definitely a special athlete, but he's also a small heavyweight.

[2710] Oh, he's 230 or something, right?

[2711] And he showed a big hole in his game with the Verdun fight.

[2712] He said he just got overconfident, which I could see.

[2713] I mean, why wouldn't he get overconfident?

[2714] You haven't lost in forever.

[2715] 10 years, yeah.

[2716] Everyone's fucking terrified of you.

[2717] But he just, you know, he fucked up in Verdum's guard.

[2718] Verdum's just too nasty off of his back.

[2719] I would like to see him fight again, though.

[2720] He's going to fight Alistar over him, which is an even bigger test.

[2721] Really?

[2722] I think, yeah.

[2723] What about Brock?

[2724] That'll never happen.

[2725] It's probably not going to happen.

[2726] You know why it's not going to happen?

[2727] Because the M1 guys that control him, unless they all get hit by a meteor, it's like they just want too much.

[2728] You know, the arguments...

[2729] Why didn't Dana pay him that much?

[2730] Well, you know, first of all, they're all involved in some sort of a lawsuit right now that I can't talk about.

[2731] But it's not that Dana wouldn't pay him.

[2732] It's that there's a thing called co -promotion.

[2733] And that's what these guys want.

[2734] They want to be able to co -promote UFC events.

[2735] And that's what they were offering.

[2736] They wanted to give you Fedor.

[2737] And they wanted all the other Russian guys that they handle to fight in the UFC as well.

[2738] So we would take on a bunch of guys that we didn't necessarily want.

[2739] And then on top of it, they would co -promote.

[2740] So it would be UFC with M1 or M1 Global.

[2741] presents UFC or whatever the fuck, however they would set it up, they would literally share 50 % of the revenue, which is like, the UFC's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[2742] It shouldn't be 50, but it'd still be cool like in a Marvel versus Capcom.

[2743] No, it's not Marvel versus Capcom because M1 Global, they don't have enough to bring to the table.

[2744] All they have is one fighter.

[2745] It's not like even Dream.

[2746] If it was a co -promotion between UFC and Dream, well, at least in Dream, you got Aoki, you got a lot of high -level guys over there.

[2747] It's not quite as high -level.

[2748] level is the UFC, but a lot of really good guys.

[2749] Eddie Alvarez is over there.

[2750] Dana White's genius has been he's kept the UFC, the superstar, and no one fighter.

[2751] He's so good at that.

[2752] Yeah, they've made a bunch of guys famous stars, but there's so many of them.

[2753] Whereas with boxing, the unfortunate thing about boxing is there's really only interest on a few weight divisions.

[2754] There's interest in whatever Pacquiao's fighting, whatever Floyd Mayweather's fighting, whatever the Klitschko's are fighting.

[2755] And even the Klitschko's, not so much.

[2756] When was the last big -time pay -per -view super fight with the Klitschko's?

[2757] I can't remember.

[2758] Yeah, exactly.

[2759] It's never been anything that's hyped up.

[2760] I wouldn't have watched it anyway because I never thought they were, you know...

[2761] Yeah.

[2762] Well, he's really good.

[2763] Vladimir is a very good technical boxer.

[2764] But the deal is that people don't really care enough.

[2765] There's not a passion like when Tyson was fighting.

[2766] Yeah.

[2767] Or when Lennox Lewis was fighting, even.

[2768] Or Riddick Bowe was fighting.

[2769] There's passion.

[2770] A Holyfield title fight was a big deal as well.

[2771] It's like there was passion to those guys.

[2772] And personality.

[2773] Yeah.

[2774] I mean, it's not that Vladimir is not a fucking awesome boxer.

[2775] It's just for whatever reason, people aren't passionate about watching him.

[2776] You know, there's just not that.

[2777] I mean, I mean.

[2778] People love Hopkins.

[2779] I mean, he's a throwback.

[2780] He's an awesome fighter.

[2781] I love that guy.

[2782] But he's 44, I think.

[2783] And see what he did to Kelly Pavlik?

[2784] Oh, dude.

[2785] Kelly Pavlik is unbelievable.

[2786] Well, so you get past Hopkins.

[2787] Who you got?

[2788] You've got Pacquiao.

[2789] You've got Roy Jones Jr. when he's still fighting.

[2790] At least people are interesting.

[2791] Yeah, I mean, but Roy Jones Jr., once he lost a step, got another guy who, you know, once he lost that speed, that crazy blinding speed.

[2792] Isn't that crazy to watch?

[2793] Hopkins is Hopkins was always very technical you know we're probably gonna stop let's stop right now it's five minutes before we're gonna stop because Brian has to pee and we stopped with boxing talk but that's not the best thing for a comedy podcast but I don't think this is a comedy podcast anymore it's just interesting shit fleshlight or go to Joe's website and click on the Fleshlight link, and you can get yourself 15 % off.

[2794] It feels better than your hand.

[2795] Fleshlight, Fleshlight, Fleshlight.

[2796] This Saturday night, I'm at the House of Blues in San Diego.

[2797] One show, 10 p .m. with Joey, Coco, Diaz, cocksuckers.

[2798] I'm coming down, plane, trains, and automobiles.

[2799] Get ready, bitches.

[2800] And then Sunday is the UFC on Versus, so we'll be there for that too as well.

[2801] I hope you guys enjoyed it.

[2802] Thank you very much for tuning in.

[2803] We always appreciate it, as always.

[2804] See you dirty bitches next week.

[2805] Thank you very much.

[2806] Later.

[2807] Bye.