Ike Barinholtz

[0] Hello, everybody.

[1] My name is Max Pleplard, and you're listening to Armchair Expert.

[2] I'm joined by Pranika Prodman.

[3] That's me. Here we are.

[4] Here we are.

[5] On a glorious Monday morning.

[6] Now, today, we made a new friend.

[7] Oh, we did, didn't we?

[8] I mean, this son of a gun, Ike.

[9] Berenholtz.

[10] What a name.

[11] Ike Berenholtz.

[12] Yeah, good name, strong name.

[13] Only seen him in movies.

[14] Never bumped into them.

[15] Mm -hmm.

[16] I prowl around these city streets in Los Angeles.

[17] I strike up conversations with other Thesbians.

[18] Never met Ike.

[19] Yeah.

[20] Boy, did I fall head over heels in love with him.

[21] Yeah, he is a fun guy.

[22] He really is.

[23] I think he needs his own podcasts.

[24] Yeah, but we don't want that to compete with ours.

[25] Well, it'd be worth it.

[26] He was so nice.

[27] It'd be worth it.

[28] That's evolved of you.

[29] So funny and such a good heart.

[30] I would listen every day.

[31] I kind of fell in love with him, did you?

[32] Yeah.

[33] Yeah, big time.

[34] Before we get to Ike, by the way, guys, it's hysterical.

[35] He's really, really funny.

[36] He's so funny.

[37] We are coming to New York.

[38] Last reminder, virtually.

[39] We're next to now.

[40] Last reminder.

[41] Come see us.

[42] At Bam in Brooklyn, September 22nd.

[43] First show is sold out.

[44] Second show has a couple seats left.

[45] We just secured our lineup today.

[46] It is fucking tasty.

[47] It's fun, guys.

[48] Oh, boy, do we get a tasty little lineup.

[49] Also, next week is going to be a weird week for you guys.

[50] Special week.

[51] It's a special week.

[52] It is Good Place Week.

[53] That's right.

[54] Leading up to the premiere of season three, The Good Place.

[55] And we're going to have a bunch of the Good Place, brass and talent.

[56] We have four episodes for you next week.

[57] Oh, boy.

[58] Get your seatbelt on.

[59] Because it's going to be 10 plus hours of chat and come your way.

[60] In fact, in this week in preparation of next week, get a comfortable chair.

[61] You're going to need it.

[62] You'd get piles.

[63] Stock up on some rations.

[64] Yeah, get some treats like a succulent panchetta macaroni and cheese.

[65] Oh, get your beauty blender out.

[66] You can apply some makeup while you're at it.

[67] What a good time it'll be.

[68] Also, check out Ike's movie called The Oath.

[69] It sounds really exciting.

[70] I'm looking forward to watching it.

[71] And hopefully y 'all will seek it out and watch it as well.

[72] Without further ado, like Barron Holtz.

[73] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now.

[74] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[75] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[76] Ike, welcome to armchair expert.

[77] Thank you for having me. It's really an armchair.

[78] It really is.

[79] I let it go one time, too, for David Harbor.

[80] You get to him?

[81] He's a badass.

[82] I would give him my chair.

[83] Yeah, and he's so masculine.

[84] Like, he got here, and I felt like I invited a grizzly bear into the attic.

[85] He looks like a grizzly.

[86] He's a dude.

[87] He's a dude's dude.

[88] I saw him in the red carpet at the Suicide Squad premiere, and he was all hobbled on crutches, but he was wearing a big silver suit, big beard.

[89] He looked crazy.

[90] Humbled on crutches.

[91] I thought he was about to say the Suicide Sisters concert.

[92] No, it was Cizor Sisters.

[93] I saw him like Scissors.

[94] Okay, okay, there I go.

[95] Scissors sisters.

[96] We, on our ride here, Monica and I, we drove together.

[97] And someone's got a Prevost bus on Hobart, and I'm super into motorhomes.

[98] Okay.

[99] Like, irrationally excited by motorhomes.

[100] It's a million and a half dollar motorhome sitting over there on Hobart.

[101] And I had to stop and find out whose motorhome is this?

[102] Who owns a Prevos?

[103] And these gals loading up a trailer said, Suicide girls.

[104] Suicide girls?

[105] Suicide sisters.

[106] Now there's the suicide girls.

[107] That's like a pin -up thing.

[108] Then there's scissors sisters.

[109] And now you're telling me there's suicide sisters.

[110] Wait, scissors sisters is a thing other than lesbians.

[111] No, Scissors sisters is a band.

[112] Take your mama.

[113] Take your daddy.

[114] Yeah.

[115] Now I'm just riffing.

[116] I'll take your mama.

[117] Oh.

[118] I'll take your daddy.

[119] Now, where's your grandpa?

[120] They just cover the whole family.

[121] Yeah, they just go.

[122] Your second first cousin, come on.

[123] Uncle Fred coming down now.

[124] And Sally made salad.

[125] And Sally has always been salad.

[126] It's just about a family picnic, really.

[127] Here comes Mark with some sandwiches.

[128] Cousin Jeffer put on some wade.

[129] Oh, he's not going to make it.

[130] cousin jeff are not looking good well let's just backtrack scissors sisters was I guess a pejorative for lesbians because of the sex act where you're scissoring yeah and I think there are like a fully gay band like everyone in the band so they took it the term back yeah they owned it that's right yeah I love that that's one of my favorite things yeah some people say you're a big fucking idiot and I'm like I know I own it yeah and I can say I own it I'm an idiot but you were about to tell me we brewed some coffee yeah it's really good by the way these are good pods I just these are really nice pods where did you get these pods I just want to say that when I asked you if you want a coffee you had such a specific yes you go I go hey do you want a coffee and you go yeah and then I knew immediately you have an agreement with yourself right yeah and that you were about to break it is that accurate I have I have the dad thing where I need a cup of coffee right when I wake up to deal with it.

[131] Yeah.

[132] You have three, three girls.

[133] Between five and five months.

[134] So, holy shit.

[135] It's crazy up in my house.

[136] Yeah.

[137] And then I have a second cup.

[138] And then I try to keep it to three a day.

[139] I just don't want my heart to explode.

[140] And I usually do that third cup around 1230, but you offered it to me. Yeah.

[141] And the cups look cool.

[142] Yeah, right.

[143] And I got to tell you, even with powdered creamer, powdered non -dairy cream.

[144] I think I'm in freaking Paris right now.

[145] I want to tell you, though, back before I quit creamer, okay, because I too have a strained relationship with coffee, which is I got to know how many I'm having before I even start or I'll drink 12 and all up heart palpitations.

[146] Are you one of those cool guys that go straight black?

[147] Well, as one of the deals I made myself like four years ago, I was like only in the morning.

[148] And then it became, well, you can have another cup around noon if you don't use creamer.

[149] So silly these things.

[150] Got it.

[151] And then so I wanted that second cup bad enough that I started drinking it.

[152] And then slowly I was like, you know what?

[153] I'm good with this.

[154] But when I still was using creamer, I used that powder creamer.

[155] Even if I was, I really like it.

[156] It's a coffee mate product.

[157] I was using the vanilla French vanilla coffee mate for years.

[158] Okay.

[159] What that is.

[160] I think that's original.

[161] I don't want to.

[162] That's original.

[163] No, it's not vanilla.

[164] That's original.

[165] Oh, yeah.

[166] Yes.

[167] I was using the vanilla.

[168] Oh, right.

[169] I stopped using the liquid just because I read what was in it.

[170] And it's, it is, there's not one thing.

[171] Is it palm oil or something?

[172] Palm oil, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, motor oil, jizz.

[173] Axel.

[174] They added jizz.

[175] The only organic byproduct, I'd take it.

[176] Yeah, absolutely.

[177] Anything organic.

[178] So, but, now what, if you, if you don't have a game plan for coffee, what will you do?

[179] Let me back up.

[180] Do you have any trouble sleeping?

[181] I don't because I do enjoy a little, a little bit.

[182] of the now newly legal marijuana.

[183] Marijuana.

[184] I might take a little blueberry.

[185] What's a blueberry?

[186] It's like a dried blueberry that they dip in chocolate that has pot in it.

[187] Get the fuck out.

[188] I tell you, it's a lovely way to finish the night.

[189] I put on the pod.

[190] I lay in bed and my wife.

[191] I have a great night's sleep.

[192] I don't hear the kids screaming and crying.

[193] And I wake up and I'm still really tired.

[194] Yeah.

[195] But I do, no, no, I do.

[196] I do have to take a little bit to go to sleep because I'm, Otherwise, my head is just like a maelstrom.

[197] It's always just thinking of 20 million things.

[198] And if I don't have a little bit of a little bit of a help at the end of the night, to me, I'll just lay in bed and make my wife crazy.

[199] You need to pull like a hoodie over your ears, a metaphorical hoodie.

[200] And what time will you take the blueberry?

[201] Well, I don't know you guys.

[202] We have to go to bed really early now just because of life.

[203] So I'd like to pop that bad boy by 930.

[204] 930.

[205] I'll tell you guys, if it's a Friday, I'll take two.

[206] I don't care.

[207] Right.

[208] I'm crazy.

[209] So bottoms up 930.

[210] Bottoms up 930 by 10.

[211] I have just this wonderful light feeling where I'm very funny with my wife.

[212] And before you know it, I'm just in a deep REM.

[213] Oh, wow.

[214] That sounds heavenly.

[215] It's kind of lovely.

[216] It kind of is.

[217] And is your wife part take?

[218] She doesn't.

[219] She does like, no, she doesn't.

[220] She used to a while ago, but she doesn't.

[221] And not to get too personal.

[222] We just met nine minutes ago and drive.

[223] driveway, but do you make love sometimes on that blueberry?

[224] Um, I have, I have, it is, I don't know if you guys find it.

[225] It's hard to do that at the end of the night.

[226] Oh, you're just so tired.

[227] Yeah, with the kids.

[228] It's kind of like more of like a, hey, it's Saturday afternoon.

[229] The kids are watching Paw Patrol.

[230] Can I talk to you for seven minutes?

[231] Yes, exactly.

[232] We have a quick seven minute conversation.

[233] It's really that, like the end of the night thing is, it's very hard.

[234] Daddy's tired.

[235] Yeah.

[236] Daddy's tired.

[237] Yeah.

[238] A long day.

[239] It might not ever return either.

[240] Because, Because by the time you're not going to be totally kaput, as the Germans would say, at the end of the night.

[241] Das is very kaput.

[242] You'll be even older.

[243] Yeah.

[244] You're like 10 years out.

[245] Is there anything worse for old women than Viagra?

[246] Because now they're like in the commercials, they're like, yes, my husband.

[247] But in the reality, it's like they don't really want like a guy with a nine -hour boner, an old man especially.

[248] Priapus.

[249] Yeah.

[250] Yeah, it's not good.

[251] No. Pryphism's not good.

[252] I couldn't agree with you more.

[253] And in fact, many years ago, maybe seven years ago, I wrote a cartoon called Brave Old World.

[254] And it was, I wrote it in response to hearing an NPR, our news story that Lake Okachobee, Florida was the highest or fastest spreading STD rate in the country.

[255] All the seniors.

[256] And right.

[257] It's because all these seniors are now on Viagra and it was zero sex ed training.

[258] They don't know about condoms.

[259] Can't get pregnant.

[260] Yeah, what do they care?

[261] They're pump and dump all day long.

[262] Just a bunch of old folks are cold sores on their lip walking around the rec center.

[263] Playing shuffleboard like.

[264] Yeah, a ton of pain downstairs.

[265] It's not good.

[266] But to your point, I just thought, well, I got excited.

[267] I went to, I went the optimist route with it, which is like your retirement used to blow.

[268] You'd go to that community and you're just tired and all the stuff.

[269] But now you could be shooting HGH.

[270] You could be.

[271] You could be doing Viagra, you could be doing testosterone replacement.

[272] Like, you could be at the prime of your life.

[273] But it still looks weird.

[274] Like when I'm on an airplane and I read like the In Fly magazine and you see like a 64 year old man with like white hair, but he's like jacked and has abs.

[275] I know exactly the guy you're talking about.

[276] Let me ask you a question.

[277] Is he wearing blue jeans?

[278] Yes, he's shirtless with jeans and he's like frigging.

[279] He looks like Tom Hardy.

[280] But with this like Mike Pence's face.

[281] I'd go even further and say he looks like Popeye.

[282] Like he looks like a cartoon character.

[283] Yeah, it's crazy.

[284] And I'm just like you should, I don't know.

[285] At that point, you should really just be like, you know, quietly watching golf or, you know, honey, let's order some more Werther's originals.

[286] Yeah.

[287] You know, it's like you shouldn't be doing like reverse oblique crunches when you're 68 maxing out, like heavy.

[288] When you're 90, you shouldn't have a heavy day.

[289] Listen, over 70, no more drop sets.

[290] Do you know that bodybuilder Kai?

[291] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[292] Did you watch that Netflix documentary?

[293] No. I heard, yeah, someone was telling me about that.

[294] It couldn't be Generation Iron.

[295] Generation Iron.

[296] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[297] I urge you to watch it because I will say, I kind of say this a lot, but I stand by this one.

[298] I think the funniest 30 seconds of anything I've ever seen in my life.

[299] There is one bodybuilder in the show, and he is very unconventional.

[300] He works out very violently.

[301] And he's injured himself quite often, right?

[302] And he is literally in the middle of a questionnaire where they say to him, a lot of your opponents are saying you're going to get injured before the big show.

[303] He goes, no way.

[304] not happening not with the you know he goes into this i saw this you saw this i did see this documentary now that i think about it and he gets hurt right he gets on a well no he gets on he gets on a horse he gets on a horse yes yes yes it listen you're a writer i'm a writer i would never be brazen enough to write his speech and then say he gets on a horse and trots off and fucking breaks everything and he's so muscular i know that when he hits the ground it's like watching someone drop a a a huge safe off the back of a truck like the way it bounces is so disturbed You know everything's shattered, broke.

[305] Ten and snaps.

[306] He was such a, I don't know, he might be a nice guy in the movie.

[307] The movie came off as such a dick in the first, like, hour of the movie.

[308] A real agro blowheart.

[309] A real agro blowheart.

[310] I love any work.

[311] I loved pumping iron.

[312] Oh, yes.

[313] Pimp you into your impression.

[314] But the greatest moment is when he goes, you know, you get the pump.

[315] It's like coming, you know.

[316] Yes.

[317] And how lucky am I get to come in the gym all day and then come home at night and come again?

[318] Yes.

[319] All day you're coming.

[320] He's going to be the governor one day.

[321] He said that for.

[322] Real?

[323] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[324] Yes, he's in the documentary.

[325] And he's like, you know, a lot of people want to know what the pump is like.

[326] And tell him, it's just like that great feeling, you know, and you're coming.

[327] So then you're in the gym, you're having that feeling of a coming.

[328] Then you're walking down the street to home and you're coming.

[329] And you're coming.

[330] It's just the greatest feeling.

[331] I get to come all day.

[332] I'm lucky am I. He's saying he's too.

[333] Well, first and foremost, even if you're not into muscles like I am, I'm shamelessly.

[334] My wife, like, looks at my Instagram and it's either like, pictures of like a cheeseburger or like a giant dude doing squats.

[335] Oh yeah.

[336] I follow a lot of sites that are just clearly gay.

[337] They're gay Instagram accounts.

[338] Yeah, yeah.

[339] Yes, me too.

[340] These ones called jocks something.

[341] And it's all these NFL guys doing like running 40s in like tight shorts and you can see their penises flopping around.

[342] And I fucking love it.

[343] I love it so much.

[344] It's the weirdest thing for me. But Pumping Iron is just a very well -made documentary.

[345] Yeah, it's bits of it.

[346] They really just bits.

[347] I think it's called a docu -drama.

[348] There's some rights.

[349] writing in it and whatnot.

[350] But I'm obsessed with Schwarzenegger.

[351] And I was lucky enough to become friends with him.

[352] Oh my God.

[353] And just a two second account of that.

[354] I got invited to ride motorcycles tomorrow.

[355] I was like, hey, you know, buddy, let's go ride motorcycles.

[356] The governor is going to be in town.

[357] He'll meet him five ago.

[358] And it hangs out.

[359] I'm like, where are we meeting?

[360] So I meet at like five in the morning at the corner of PCH and sunset.

[361] And this is while he's still the governor, I show up.

[362] There's like suburbans, the full security detail.

[363] And then like eight of us ride motorcycles up to the rock store.

[364] We have breakfast and I go to the bathroom.

[365] I come back and when I sit down, Schwarzenegger goes, Dax, you know, seen the punk, I've seen without a paddle.

[366] You're hilarious.

[367] You're really talented.

[368] And in my mind, I'm like, this is impossible.

[369] Schwarzeninger seemed punked and without a paddle and I am floating.

[370] I don't even hear what said the rest of the breakfast, right?

[371] So the breakfast ends.

[372] We go to get back on the motorcycles and I say to Tom Marl.

[373] I'm like, how about Swartzener?

[374] Hammer knows all my shit.

[375] He goes, oh, buddy, as soon as he went to the bathroom, he's like, who the fuck is this guy?

[376] Who brought this guy?

[377] And so Tom told him, oh, he's really funny.

[378] He's on this.

[379] He literally just repeated.

[380] Give him some info on his fucking docs.

[381] Who is this boy?

[382] So at that breakfast, I did my impersonation of him, right?

[383] And then 10 days later, the phone rings.

[384] And I go, hello.

[385] And I hear a woman, she goes, hi, please hold for the governor.

[386] Oh, my God.

[387] Oh, okay.

[388] You know, who's fucking.

[389] with me. And sure enough, Geek -Gh.

[390] Dax, I really enjoyed meeting you at the breakfast the other day.

[391] You know, I'm about to do some fundraising.

[392] I'd love it.

[393] If you could come out on stage and introduce me and do your personation of me. I think people would love it.

[394] And I go, I go, oh, and back then I was a libertarian.

[395] I've since changed.

[396] But I go, oh, Arnold, that's so flattering.

[397] I'd love to do that.

[398] But I can't because you're a Republican.

[399] I'm a libertarian.

[400] He goes, Me too.

[401] I go, what?

[402] He goes, I'm a libertarian too.

[403] I just had to run the Republican party on the platform, but I'm a libertarian like you.

[404] Anyways, I said, fuck it.

[405] And I start going, and I go on stage and bring him out at like rallies and shit.

[406] And at one point, I was invited to roast him, like for some charity thing.

[407] And all I did was read from his book.

[408] Yeah, an education of a bodybuilder.

[409] It's a phenomenal read.

[410] Please read it.

[411] I'll give you my copy.

[412] I will.

[413] Because he's so brazen in it.

[414] He's like, he writes it in 1968.

[415] So all he's done is one Mr. Universe thing.

[416] He's like, he's like, I'm done with that.

[417] And now I'm going to get in the show business and become the biggest movie star in the world.

[418] Like his power of positive thinking.

[419] He's the most driven person ever, yeah.

[420] So anyways, I would read a passage of him and Franco, which who is his buddy.

[421] Sure.

[422] A short little buddy.

[423] From Palmieri.

[424] Yep.

[425] They would go in the woods and lift weights naked.

[426] And it is by far the gayest passage you've ever read in your life.

[427] It's like, Franco, and I would.

[428] really get the pump we need fresh meat and drink wine and be naked like old barbarians from Roman times and I would pause every now and then I go this isn't even metaphorical anymore like I think you just said you were pumping Franco naked and whatever I hijacked the fuck out of that but I thought you would enjoy that.

[429] Have you always loved muscles like when you were a kid?

[430] Did you know?

[431] I didn't care about it so much.

[432] I mean I loved Schwartz and then I was a kid.

[433] I loved Commando.

[434] When Commando came out, I was like, oh my God, this is the greatest movement.

[435] you know just him killing like 200 men slowly how about those weird twins though that were in dc cab and they were also had their own like conan style oh the paul brothers is that mark paul and i'm kind of like strangely with movies and stuff yeah like have you ever played the movie game no uh so you know you know you played it yeah so name any movie um thief so i would now have to name an actor from thief, right?

[436] So I could say James Kahn, but I'm going to say Jim Belushi.

[437] So now you have to name a movie that Jim Belushi is in.

[438] Oh, and I don't know anybody to see.

[439] I'm the worst.

[440] First of all, the fact that you don't know Jim Belushi is good.

[441] No, it's good.

[442] It makes you good.

[443] Well, I know him, but I don't know anymore.

[444] So if you can't name it, then you get a letter like horse.

[445] So it's M and you spell movie.

[446] Oh, I love this game.

[447] This is a game that dominated a lot of sets that I've been on in my life.

[448] and I've found some people that are incredible at it.

[449] It's a great game.

[450] And I, for some reason, I just, like, loved movies so much as a kid and would watch movies over and over again and read books about movies and read, like, Roger Ebert's big, thick movie book.

[451] And I just, in my brain, there, I could tell you, I could go four or five deep on call sheets for films I've seen once or never seen.

[452] That's an incredible savant -e.

[453] Incredibly useless.

[454] Well, not in your business.

[455] Yeah, you're playing this game a lot.

[456] Yeah, but, I mean, I don't, I wish, I wish you could book rolls based off trivia.

[457] Well, I'll tell you how it could manifest itself as you establish yourself as someone who knows a lot about film.

[458] And then weirdly your opinion on whatever scene you're about to film, it goes up a bracket.

[459] It does go a little bit, yeah.

[460] Yeah, it's not like I've never seen a movie.

[461] And then I just make it up.

[462] But I think we should shoot from...

[463] Are these frames right?

[464] Just say something that sounds vaguely.

[465] Oh, I don't know about this light.

[466] This is Phil light.

[467] This is bullshit.

[468] Wait, I thought you were talking about the game.

[469] where you say an actor, I feel like a lot of writers' rooms play this where there's an actor and then you have to figure out the four movies on their IMDB that pop up on their IMB and it's not what, it's never the four you would immediately expect.

[470] So it's a little bit of a random element to it?

[471] Yes, and no one can figure out the algorithm.

[472] Oh, then I don't like that.

[473] But there's some algorithm and no one knows what it is.

[474] It's probably the four biggest box office hits the paper.

[475] Well, that would be my guess, but I think what Monica's saying is that it's not.

[476] Sometimes there's a random.

[477] Maybe there's like an award nominated movie that gets in there or something.

[478] Do you know Doug Benson that comedian?

[479] I do.

[480] I'm actually doing Doug's podcast next month.

[481] He's another one of those guys who knows like everything.

[482] He does.

[483] And he plays a very fun game on stage where he basically opens up the Leonard Moulton.

[484] Yes.

[485] And he'll go to a movie, let's say Thief.

[486] And he starts reading backwards.

[487] So it's a clump of actors.

[488] And they're getting less and less known as you get towards the end of the paragraph.

[489] So he starts backwards, and you're basically, it's who can get the movie.

[490] I like that.

[491] It's almost like name that tune, but with the movie.

[492] Never named that tune?

[493] I used to watch Name That tune when I was a boy.

[494] Yeah, I like that again.

[495] I can go very deep.

[496] I could even tell you in Thief, the, I believe his girlfriend was Tuesday Weld.

[497] Yeah, absolutely.

[498] And the other bodyguard in his first movie ever was Dennis Ferrena.

[499] Who was a real life Chicago cop at the way?

[500] I'm right now.

[501] My uncle Bernie Feinstein passed away three years ago.

[502] He's just CPD for over 30 years.

[503] CBD.

[504] A Chicago police department.

[505] Oh, okay.

[506] Him and Farina were partners for five years.

[507] Get the fuck out.

[508] I got to have to hang out with Dennis a few times before he died.

[509] Hold on a second.

[510] This is in the 70s.

[511] They were partners in the 70s.

[512] Were they getting their, early 70s, I believe?

[513] Were they getting their beaks wet and their fingers dirty?

[514] I mean, I have to imagine Chicago in the 70s.

[515] You were allowed to basically just be a gangster, right?

[516] I want to tell you a story because both.

[517] Both parties have passed away.

[518] Thank God.

[519] I mean, I'm sorry, but thank God they've passed.

[520] Their fight is over.

[521] This is a cool story.

[522] So I heard this from a Chicago cop.

[523] And we talked about Farina.

[524] I was at my uncle's funeral.

[525] And I was like, so were you close with Farina?

[526] He goes, this guy's, like, I don't want to say his name, but he's got this great Polish Chicago, tough his nails accent.

[527] It was, oh, I love Denny.

[528] Denny was a great guy.

[529] I loved him.

[530] His brother was a real piece of work, though.

[531] And I go, oh, what was his day?

[532] goes he was on the other side of the fence and I was like oh yeah he was a thief and he was a piece of shit and uh you know their dad you know their dad was a dentist or a doctor some shit and uh the brother the brother fucking broke into the office and stole a bunch of shit from the office so I came in to fucking work the next day I go in the locker room and I see Denny he's loading a fucking machine gun he's putting bullets in a clip And I go, what are you doing?

[533] He goes, I'll tell you what I'm doing.

[534] I'm going to go fucking kill my brother.

[535] Oh, my God.

[536] It was a different time, man. Yeah.

[537] It was crazy shit going out over there.

[538] And maybe it's my own fantasy, but I do feel like basically there were just two gangs.

[539] One was the cops.

[540] The gangsters.

[541] But what's the difference?

[542] Oh, my God, dude.

[543] It was crazy.

[544] At this memorial, too, it was crazy.

[545] It was all these old, all the cops in their 80s, a lot of whom are still.

[546] smoking cigarettes they were smoking like derals and fucking one guy couldn't believe my brother and i still were just talking about it during night so it was like uh it was one of those funeral homes where it like had like uh like the main parking lot was on kind of like one level and then like you went up some stairs to like the entrance of like the parlor and one of the cops was so fucking old it probably happened the bag he just drove up the stairs oh parked his fucking car like in front of the in front of like the front door where us so he's the only car anywhere near there He was like a cow, right?

[547] You can walk a cow upstairs, but you can't walk it down to disassemble the cow or the car.

[548] He was a reverse cow.

[549] He was a reverse cow.

[550] I don't know what it says about me, but I, that appeals to me a lot.

[551] Being a dirty cop in the 70s, do you at all?

[552] Yeah, I would love.

[553] Especially like in New York.

[554] Yeah, New York or even Chicago, any big city in the 70s, even L .A., you know.

[555] Oh, yeah.

[556] Like, I love that world.

[557] Any movie that's about dirty cops, like, confidential, I could just put that movie in my veins.

[558] I'll watch it over and over again.

[559] Serpico, I just love that world, man. This always annoys Kristen about me. I'm, like, really drawn to Pablo Escobar, all these, like, cartel people and in dirty cops, I'm just, I love it.

[560] Well, it's such a, it's such a, first of all, it's very funny world because everyone's so amoral.

[561] You know what I mean?

[562] Yeah, yeah.

[563] So, like, even the cops were supposed to be looking out for us.

[564] They're just taking money and taking, you know.

[565] sure so just the kind of nature of it's funny and it's just exciting and like sexy it's so weird because I'm with you I'm like I could watch a dirty cop movie or dirty cop show also I would imagine the rationale so easy to follow it's like you break into some apartment to grab some bad guys and then there's two million dollars of assholes money I just I can't imagine feeling morally you know uh compromise by taking some assholes money it would be such an easy bridge for me to cross.

[566] That was like Russell Crowe's big thing an American gangster.

[567] They're like, you're the guy who returned a million dollars?

[568] He's like, yeah.

[569] Remember that movie?

[570] Halfway through the movie, too.

[571] Someone calls him a kike and I'm like, wait, he's Jewish.

[572] What?

[573] I love those revelations in movies.

[574] I love it.

[575] I love it.

[576] Even Pacino and Carlito's way.

[577] Did you ever hear the story about Pacino and Heat?

[578] You ever heard the story?

[579] Maybe, maybe not.

[580] So like Heat, right?

[581] It's like this, you know, seminal movie for a lot of guys, right?

[582] Yeah.

[583] blew me away but it's always been kind of a weird movie because half of it is incredible the de Niro bank robbery stuff is amazing fuck yeah so Pacino's always been crazy in that movie right he's like totally erratic and like what are you want what are you want and it's like it's a bit of a turnoff sometimes because it's so fucking nuts right and someone told me the story i don't know if it's apocry about but they shot like three whole days of all Pacino stuff the first three days.

[584] Okay.

[585] And they shot these scenes where Pacino's character keeps doing cocaine.

[586] Like he's constantly snorting blow.

[587] Constant.

[588] And now when you think about it with context, it's a great choice that he did, a guy who's erratic and fucking crazy and a cop that has, you know, all these complexes.

[589] Give me what you got.

[590] Give me what you got.

[591] Give me over there.

[592] She got a great ass.

[593] It's just like, it's crazy without thinking that he, it makes perfect sense now.

[594] Brother, you are going.

[595] Pacino is so crazy There's two, Pacino spent like his first half of his career really talking like this really, really kind of high and then he just kind of turned completely crazy.

[596] I think Centiolman gave him so much positive reaffirmation for that and he's like, I'm just going to kind of talk like, I found a new gear.

[597] And I'm sticking with it.

[598] Did you audition for S &L?

[599] I did an audition for S &L.

[600] I can guess why.

[601] I wanted to.

[602] Yeah.

[603] But I...

[604] You took...

[605] I took my TV.

[606] So I come from Chicago and I...

[607] I like that you said it like it was Harvard.

[608] I come from Chicago, a home of the sausage.

[609] Home of obese people.

[610] But yeah, no, I was doing, you know, a lot of improv in Chicago.

[611] I was doing Improv Olympics, Second City, and Innoinced Theater.

[612] And like every like once a year, they would have like NBC or S &L Scouts.

[613] and you would, like, die to get in that group.

[614] But I bolted and went to Amsterdam.

[615] I read that for two years.

[616] I went there for a couple years and did this theater group called Boom, Chicago.

[617] And it was this tiny little startup company.

[618] They started back in 93.

[619] And it was like two American guys who were backpacking through Europe.

[620] And they're like, hey, we love Amsterdam, but the comedy scene is horrible here.

[621] It's whack.

[622] It's whack.

[623] I think back then it was actually wiggity whack.

[624] And they were like, let's start like.

[625] a second city type theater so there was no relationship between the two no I weirdly thought there that was no they were just like they picked Chicago because it has a connotation to comedy and boom because no one has any fucking idea why it's the weirdest name but um and then by the time I got there in 99 it had really taken off and it turned into this like 300 seat dinner theater and like we would get uh you know Dutch celebrity like yon de bantz the director oh yeah prime minister and How about Van Damme?

[626] Did he ever run there?

[627] He never came.

[628] He was Brussels.

[629] I never came to see your show, but I wanted to come, but I couldn't come.

[630] Great story.

[631] I was doing too much of cocaine.

[632] Yes, go ahead.

[633] I wanted to ask a follow -up question.

[634] Go ahead.

[635] So you're saying that you couldn't make it because you couldn't make it?

[636] I couldn't make it because I couldn't be there.

[637] And I was shooting double strike two.

[638] Uh -huh.

[639] And I slipped and fell into a pile of blow.

[640] Oh, okay.

[641] But I wanted to come and I will come next time.

[642] now this injury you sustain it's not it's in no way a threat to your splits is it no no no I did the splits on the kitchen this morning and yeah I do it every morning I do the splits on the kitchen just to keep limburg to keep in shape muscles from Brussels stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare what's up guys it's your girl Keekeke And my podcast is back with a new season.

[643] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[644] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[645] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[646] And I don't mean just friends.

[647] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[648] The list goes on.

[649] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[650] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[651] We've all been there.

[652] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[653] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[654] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[655] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[656] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[657] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[658] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[659] Prime members can listen early and ad free on Amazon Music.

[660] My friend Nate Tuck has probably the best Van Dam story ever.

[661] Nate Tuck, one of my best friends, he was a messenger like delivering scripts and shit early in his career.

[662] and he delivered one to Van Dam's house and some like super hot babe answered and like a towel and then she left and then he rolled up to the door and he like hands him his script or whatever and then he hands him the clipboard to sign and Van Dam is so annoyed that he's asked to sign this thing and he starts by signing his name normal and at the end he kind of gives it a flourish and then he just starts fucking swirling the pen and he just fucking like what's the juicer, the blender, the Vitamix the fucking paper and handed him the clipboard back, like really forcefully, and just everything was shredded.

[663] All the previous deliveries were gone.

[664] And then you shook the door.

[665] And it was like at first bum that he had shredded his whole board, but then like pumped he had the story.

[666] It's a good story.

[667] Yeah.

[668] That's a good story.

[669] Do you ever do that in real life where like something traumatic's happening and you click midway through and you're like, oh, this is a great story?

[670] Oh, I just flew to New York a few weeks ago.

[671] And about two hours in the flight, I started getting like the feeling that I had food poisoning and I was like oh shit fuck man and then like another hour in I'm starting to make this noise you know and like everyone's look I'm in the first seat of the plane everyone's looking at me and multiple people in the plane they gave you the look like so I'm now going and the flight attendants God bless them are like bringing me cold compresses and the whole time I'm like I just can't puke because is puking in the little bag is not an option for me because I am a violent vomiter and I have a big mouth and I know that I will get residual spray which is like the, that's the nightmare.

[672] It'll be like one of those die pack bombs going on.

[673] Yes, yes.

[674] Yeah, like little nails.

[675] And like if I was on a plane and someone vomited and it got on me, no matter how many times they could fucking buy me a Mercedes and I would still be like, I don't want anything to do with you.

[676] Yes.

[677] So I'm just trying to maintain and hold on and as we are landing.

[678] I mean, this flight attendants are buckled in.

[679] I can't take it and I get out and I run to the cockpit, which appropriately people go, oh, oh, because it's a big man running to the cockpit as we're landing.

[680] And I bust into the bathroom and close the door.

[681] And first of all, I'm a tall, large man, large man. And getting in the vomit position in the bathroom, it's not possible.

[682] Because also like you can't have any of that splash back in the toilet because then unfortunately you do have to kill yourself.

[683] And so now I'm just, I'm violently vomiting and I'm standing like that everyone's de -planning.

[684] Can you ask a quick question?

[685] Yeah, yeah.

[686] It's a logistical and comical question.

[687] Were you able to shut the door behind?

[688] I was able to shut the door behind me. Okay, okay.

[689] And I'm picturing your ankles hanging out of the, like you're on your knees and I just see your shoes and hear like a grisly bear being strangled to death.

[690] No, I'm on my knees with the door's closed and I'm doing like a makeshift goblet squat where I'm just like holding the same.

[691] side of the ball about bowl and i could hear them all deep planning so they're like oh this went all the way through the landing oh like it was going on for for at least 10 minutes so i would hear people being like this is the wall right yeah thank you so much for having this in the plane is like oh blockers oh that guy uh diarrhea on a plane i was on you know and i'm like oh great but my point is wall was happening i was like yeah this can be a good panel story Yeah.

[692] Yeah.

[693] Okay, but back to Amsterdam.

[694] Yes.

[695] Is my fantasy of your life accurate?

[696] Are you, you got to do something for two hours a day that your whole commitment and brother?

[697] I was, brother, you are going down.

[698] I was 22.

[699] Oh, geez.

[700] Never been to Europe.

[701] By the way, you were in the mood of fuck every night.

[702] Unlike now, you were always up.

[703] It is a miracle.

[704] I'm still standing.

[705] Yeah.

[706] And, but no, it was, it was also.

[707] just like spiritual it was spiritual i learned a lot about old europe um i saw some of the greatest artists of all time went to aunt frank's house twice a week i went to anne frank's house every day um which is for the record it's roomy it's roomier than i thought i'm jewish so i can make that joke send your angry tweets to dax um but we also had a great crew then we had um Josh Myers and Seth my i replaced Seth Myers and his brother Josh and i were in the cast together And who you were then also on Mad TV with.

[708] I was on Matt TV with.

[709] It was great lady named Liz Kakowski.

[710] He was a writer, Jordan Peel, Jason Sadekis, K -Kan.

[711] We had a really fun group of people there.

[712] And it was great.

[713] We would do like, like you said, we would have to do like a 90 -minute show a night.

[714] And sometimes we'd just like travel and go do corporate shows.

[715] But it was also like, it was just like pre -9 -11.

[716] We were still on the gilder.

[717] So it was two guilders to the dollar.

[718] So everything seemed half off.

[719] Oh, wow.

[720] And like, you know, he's like, oh, it's a Sunday afternoon.

[721] Oh, let's go to that store right there that legally sells mushrooms.

[722] They legally sell them and let's go to the park and trip for like 10 hours.

[723] And it was the best.

[724] My God.

[725] If I, if I had a time machine, I could go back to before it was destructive.

[726] Yeah.

[727] I think I'd choose to spend two years in Amsterdam.

[728] Luckily, like the Jewish gene in me for some reason, I don't know why, but like always stopped me from going all the way.

[729] going all the way, except for with pot.

[730] Pot's like the one thing, but with booze, like if I go out and get hammered, like the last thing I want for months is booze.

[731] There's if Jackie Mason had a joke where he's like, this is back when he was not completely insane, but he's like, after the show's over, every single Gentileness audience is going to say the same thing.

[732] Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, let's go to drink, drink, let's go to the bar, let's go to the bar, let's get a drink.

[733] Every Jew's going to say the same thing.

[734] Did you eat yet?

[735] And it's like, it's true.

[736] Jews just don't, or just not.

[737] And I'm only, like, technically, like, half Jewish because my mom converted.

[738] But, uh, uh, and traditionally, right, the, you need mom.

[739] Well, that was the, that's why I can say I'm Jewish because my mom converted before I was born.

[740] But she comes before.

[741] Before, yeah, yeah.

[742] Uh, but she comes from that kind of Irish, uh, stock.

[743] So I have it in the, but Chicago, Chicago, but the Jew, uh, part of my genes, uh, kind of just shut off that one part of the addiction receptor for everything but weed.

[744] Uh -huh.

[745] Um, my brother converted to Judaism.

[746] Uh, I mean, neither parent Jewish, uh, but did he marry?

[747] No. In fact, he married a Chaldean.

[748] Caldeans are Christian Iraqis.

[749] Okay.

[750] We have a huge population of them in Michigan.

[751] Got it.

[752] Suffice to say they are not Jewish.

[753] Right.

[754] And so neither, uh, member Jewish and they converted.

[755] Uh, were you upper peninsula?

[756] No. Were you?

[757] And the UP.

[758] Yeah.

[759] U .P. Oh, yeah.

[760] Yodity.

[761] up if you're not from Michigan there's bumper stickers everywhere to say say yeah to the it's a different state it's not only a different state it's a different country like you feel like you're in holland or something you're like what this is this is so unique yeah it's it's yeah it's like there's this thing called foster's island principle in biology and it's if birds end up on an island they all become flightless yep and all mammals that go to an island will become miniature this is just a rule.

[762] So there's some kind of Foster's Island principle about that peninsula that's just, it's very interesting.

[763] Yeah.

[764] Miniature.

[765] Like all mammals.

[766] So like if you even go to the channel islands right off the coast of California here, they have in the archaeological record miniature mammoths, mammoths that were the size of a cow.

[767] Really?

[768] Yes.

[769] And there are pygmy hippotomous or hypotomy that are the size of pigs that made it to islands off the coast of Africa.

[770] And birds, become bigger and flightless.

[771] So there was a bird in Madagascar that is related to the ostrich.

[772] It was called the elephant bird.

[773] And it was a thousand pound bird.

[774] I saw that in the film Madagascar.

[775] I believe that was voiced by Chris Rock.

[776] The bird, the elephant bird?

[777] I didn't see Madagascar.

[778] No, Chris Rock was the...

[779] He's usually a zebra, I think.

[780] He was the zebra.

[781] Ben Stiller was the lion.

[782] I just watched it like a month ago, I feel like, but I fell asleep.

[783] And it wasn't like I watched it at like Saturday night, 8 o 'clock and had a beer.

[784] It was like my daughter wanted to watch it.

[785] Yeah.

[786] So, totally.

[787] Anywho.

[788] So is there any point when you're in Amsterdam where an alarm clock goes off and you go, this is a little too fun.

[789] I need to, it's time to move on.

[790] 100%.

[791] You know, I also, I have a writing partner who's my best friend for many years, Dave Stassen.

[792] And from high school, from high school.

[793] Actually, went to camp together.

[794] That's so cool.

[795] I mean, we've been friends for another Jewish thing.

[796] Jewish kids go to camp.

[797] We do go to camp.

[798] Even though David is decidedly not Jewish.

[799] Okay.

[800] I don't know why I said decidedly because that assumes.

[801] he's like anti -Semitic, which he's definitely not.

[802] But he's just, you look at him and you're like, oh, no, you're not, you're not Jewish.

[803] But also a Holocaust denier, isn't he?

[804] He does.

[805] He has.

[806] He has a couple times.

[807] I've worked on that with him.

[808] He's going to hear this and be like, hey, like, I used to do this joke where we would walk in the pitch meetings and I would make a Nazi reference to Dave.

[809] This was before when Nazis were like safe because they weren't real anymore.

[810] Right, right, right.

[811] And, like, I make like the same old hacky jokes where I'd be like, no, no jokes about, you know, the Holocaust, Dave's, you know, grandfather died there, fell off of a guard tower.

[812] It was like all his old jokes, and one day we were, we were, we were in a room with, um, I know I've heard that, but I feel like that's the first time I've heard.

[813] But we were in a room with, um, what's his name?

[814] Oh my God, Brian Grazer, right?

[815] Like, we're pitching this movie to Brian Grazer.

[816] And I like, I make like, just a, uh, some kind of Nazi joke.

[817] And afterwards, Dave's like, stop fucking making.

[818] making Nazi jokes to Jewish executives who don't know who I am.

[819] I'm like, all right, so I got the number.

[820] So we've brought it up again.

[821] But, but, you know, so my part, my, my best friend, he is my partner.

[822] And we always had like these, like, aspirational, you know, notions of moving to L .A. and then working in movies and writing movies and stuff.

[823] And, and at Boom, Chicago, I became such good friends with Seth and his brother and their other friend, Jill, that we were like, let's do L .A. together.

[824] And there was also a bit where I was like, I got to get the, I got to get the fuck out of here.

[825] I'm like going out to nightclubs a little too much and listening to a little too much house music and maybe doing a little too much impact and they called it ecstasy.

[826] But now it's called Molly.

[827] MDMA.

[828] MDMA, pure MDMA.

[829] Do you have any ecstasy?

[830] What?

[831] This is MDMA.

[832] Get the fuck out, grandpa.

[833] Okay.

[834] That is where it was all being manufactured at that in the late 90s.

[835] It was pure, right?

[836] You could take it to a club and they would have a little stands where they would test it for you.

[837] No. Yes, it was incredible.

[838] It was very safe and everything.

[839] But it was just like a certain point you have to leave there.

[840] Did you get the Tuesday suicidal feelings or no?

[841] Oh, fuck.

[842] Yeah, I would get the blues pretty bad.

[843] You know, you just feel.

[844] You know, that was even in my height of my addiction, that was the one drug I had to quit, even still as a drug addict.

[845] Yeah.

[846] Because my tolerance went up so quickly for that drug.

[847] Yeah.

[848] That I would take like seven in a Saturday night.

[849] And then the next three days, yeah just want to fucking drying your serotonin wholesale it's gone yeah so so it was just that and and just kind of you know wanting to you can i ask you another personal question please um did you ever make love on ecstasy i did and did could you explain that experience because mine i have a very specific some friends of mine had problems with that oh okay um but for me my only problem was it ended yeah no i mean it was yeah it was you know i i tend to think that if there's something a drug that you could take or a pill that you could take that can make like some felt material feel good.

[850] Imagine what fucking's going to feel like.

[851] Yes, yes.

[852] And for me, too, my staying power was off the charts.

[853] It was nearly impossible to climax, which you didn't even need to climb.

[854] Unless you take too much and your head starts spinning a little bit.

[855] And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, this feels so good.

[856] Oh, this feels so good.

[857] I need to call my grandmother tomorrow tomorrow.

[858] I'm going to call my grandmother at 9 a .m. I apologize.

[859] I stole $10 from her in 1990.

[860] that's how all my mushroom trips became towards the end where it was like four hours of laughing and then two and a half hours of a fierce moral inventory of every girl I've ever been terrible to and I would be composing letters the last two hours of my apologies I'm a bad son I'm a bad grandson a bad boyfriend but my favorite part of ecstasy to me when I hit the sweet spot was when you get that clicky vision it's like I'm looking at you and then I glance over to monica but instead of it being a nice stream.

[861] It goes click, click, click, click, click, click.

[862] And I follow these shutter.

[863] Which I found a lot of my friends would experience that too.

[864] Yeah.

[865] Just like, yeah, that was, to me, like you, it was always done around music.

[866] You know what I mean?

[867] And there's a reason why people do have music.

[868] Jamarquay.

[869] I don't know that I would ever love Jamarico.

[870] Let me say, there was an emergency in Planet Earth.

[871] And it was fucking at the nightclub.

[872] But, oh, God, that was the best time too.

[873] It was like daft punk was getting big.

[874] Oh, wow.

[875] The Chemical Brothers released surrender, which is like, the greatest fucking electric album.

[876] Oh my God, dude.

[877] Energy response.

[878] It was just so fucking good.

[879] So I would.

[880] But back to the lovemaking.

[881] Can I just say, yes.

[882] The couple times I did it, I literally had this moment like out of body where I was like, I'm in a pornographic movie.

[883] Like this is what being in a porno is like.

[884] I feel like I'm in a porno every time I have sex.

[885] You do?

[886] Yeah, well, mostly because I have a fluffer.

[887] And it's well lit.

[888] And it's well lit and it's in the valley always.

[889] Always half likes in the valley.

[890] Yeah.

[891] And it's financed by, you know, Russian mafia.

[892] No, yeah, I did.

[893] I had a couple friends that were like, I can't do it.

[894] It's too crazy.

[895] But I was like, I have no problems with it.

[896] Yeah.

[897] So you left there, you go to L .A. How quickly after you land in L .A. Do you audition for Mad?

[898] Oh, God.

[899] Not for a while.

[900] I had that, I don't know about you, but I had like, like hell year and a half or hell two years my first uh first uh first uh stint in l a i had held decade you had held decade when did i did not work until i was 28 but uh so yeah i'm i moved here and couldn't even get like i couldn't even get a fucking job waiting tables i my my dad's friend um was the like assistant GM of mortons he was like go to uh mortons and just tell them i sent you and they'll give you a job as a server and i was like Great.

[901] So I went over there and the manager at the restaurant was like, do you have any experience?

[902] I was like, no. He's like, you're not working here.

[903] I go, well, I'll bus.

[904] He goes, no, you won't.

[905] You don't even have a busing experience.

[906] Get the fuck out.

[907] So then I called my dad's friend again.

[908] I was like, hey, it didn't work out there.

[909] He goes, hmm.

[910] Well, you know, have you tried the palm?

[911] And I was like, no, he goes, go to the palm.

[912] Tell him your friends with Walter McClure.

[913] Can I just say something really?

[914] He's basically advising you like, go meet Spielberg.

[915] Yeah, the fanciest restaurants in Las How about CBK?

[916] That's where I got a job.

[917] Fucking they're burning through people every hour.

[918] They need to fill that machine.

[919] I'll never forget.

[920] My dad told me he's like always wear a jacket to a job interview no matter what the job is, which is, I think, great advice.

[921] Sure.

[922] And so I remember, I'll never forget.

[923] I put on a blazer.

[924] My only blazer I had.

[925] And I went over to the palm when it used to be on Little Santa Monica, kind of near Dan Tannas.

[926] And I went there at Dan Tannis.

[927] Fucking Dan Tannas.

[928] So I'm at Dantanas with Farina.

[929] He's got a fucking shotgun.

[930] And I walked in at like 12 .30 p .m., which is the lunch rush.

[931] And the GM was there, and he was very flustered.

[932] And I go, hello, I would like an application.

[933] Great time.

[934] He literally goes, you came now?

[935] And I go, yes, yes.

[936] And he goes, okay.

[937] And I go, I'm friends with Walter McClure.

[938] And he goes, you're friends with Walter McClure?

[939] And I go, yeah, goes, the CEO of Palm International.

[940] It was literally like the Abe Froman from fucking Ferris Bieler.

[941] And I was like, yes, yes.

[942] I'm friends with Walter.

[943] He goes, okay, well, fill out the application.

[944] I go, sir.

[945] I didn't think I said, I'm going to go, could I suit the bar?

[946] He goes, no, we're a customer.

[947] I was soul crushing.

[948] So eventually, by the way, I mean, if there were proof that you did not belong there, it's the fact that you came at rush hour.

[949] I mean, that was everything.

[950] It's every, like an idiot.

[951] I had no idea, no experience.

[952] I would go, oh, this guy knows absolutely nothing about a restaurant.

[953] He's never even been to one.

[954] He doesn't even know when it's busy.

[955] He's never eaten at one.

[956] These people are customers, and they come at certain.

[957] times you came at the wrong time uh so so yeah so then i you know uh it was like a telemarketer and what product were you sling we were selling we were selling business journals so this is over on 54 55 wilsher boulevard and i would call and i would do that horrible thing of like wherever i was calling like put on an accent like if i was calling tuplea i'd be like come on and how are you just uh i was calling on behalf of the tuplea business journal and i want to see y 'all signed up last year but didn't sound up this year wanted to get you off doing that whole fucking thing really Yeah, and it was really quick.

[958] Just on your own accord?

[959] Or were you encouraged?

[960] No, no, on my own accord.

[961] Because I saw everyone else doing it.

[962] And I was like, why not connect with them?

[963] And I got caught a couple times.

[964] People were like, where are you calling from?

[965] And I'd be like, well, where am I?

[966] We're on Sherman Avenue?

[967] He's like, there ain't no Sherman Avenue.

[968] And I'd be like, yeah, all right.

[969] It was also a terrible place to work.

[970] The people who worked there were fucking awful.

[971] And there was like a fist fight broke out one day.

[972] I would love that.

[973] It was very scary, though.

[974] But I had a guy who's like, he's like, don't put anything in your desk.

[975] Like, don't leave anything.

[976] And you would put like a big pen in the desk and go to the bathroom.

[977] Gone.

[978] And then I noticed every day at like 3 .30, the women in the office would leave.

[979] And we'd have to stay to 4 .30.

[980] And I finally said, I go, why is that?

[981] He goes, oh, they have to go back to jail because they were on a work release.

[982] And the woman who, the woman who was my supervisor, she committed vehicular homicide.

[983] And she was like, my boss.

[984] And I was like, yeah.

[985] So eventually, thank God I got, I did get a busing job at Morton's.

[986] I worked with some work release guys at Big Boys in Milford, Michigan.

[987] The whole cook staff was, was on work release.

[988] And a thing that they thought was so funny was I would ride my spree moped to work at 12 years old in the winter.

[989] And they would occasionally have to empty all the fat.

[990] Yeah, from the grill and stuff.

[991] Yeah, they did have this big vat of fat.

[992] And they would take it up to the, fat dump.

[993] The Michigan fat dump.

[994] And they stopped and greased up my whole seat of my spree with with animal fat.

[995] And it's already winner.

[996] And I get on this thing.

[997] Now I'm riding a greased up chicken on icy roads.

[998] They're lucky they didn't go back, you know, for the wonder these guys, they wanted to kill me. Yeah.

[999] What are you going to do?

[1000] Are you going to fight them?

[1001] Also, I do.

[1002] Yes.

[1003] And I felt threatened around them.

[1004] Yeah.

[1005] Because I was a young pubescent, pre -pubescent, boy.

[1006] I worked in a restaurant when I was 12, too, with a bunch of tough guys.

[1007] And it was, it was scary.

[1008] Did you have to get your, like, assistant principal to sign a thing?

[1009] I had to go get, like.

[1010] It was summer job.

[1011] Oh, summer job.

[1012] I worked at a little place near a golf court, a public golf course in Chicago where they cooked food.

[1013] And I would do, like, I started off just dishwashing.

[1014] But by the end, I was like 12.

[1015] I was working the fucking grill.

[1016] It was crazy because the guys would all go out and play soccer in the field.

[1017] They'd be like, you got to grow.

[1018] Right?

[1019] I'd be like, yeah, I guess.

[1020] So I give people these fucked up Denver homelons.

[1021] And did they?

[1022] Because I, at 14, I went to work at a place that built race cars, this place, sports fab.

[1023] And it was all like 35 -year -old mechanics.

[1024] And their sense of humor was so scary to me. It was all sexual.

[1025] Yes.

[1026] Every time I went to the bathroom, like, what are you going to go in there and fucking jack your dick?

[1027] Like there was titty magazines and stuff by the toilet.

[1028] And it just, I was like, oh my goodness.

[1029] No. what?

[1030] Mind you, I was jacking my dick in there because there was Hornomags and I had no access to them at that age.

[1031] But boy, did they scare me?

[1032] And a lot of like gay jokes towards me that they want to fuck me and stuff.

[1033] It was so overwhelming.

[1034] I'm glad you're not working there anymore.

[1035] But it did quickly advance my sense of humor and then I got very comfortable with that stuff.

[1036] Yeah, yeah.

[1037] It's also, I think we're the same age.

[1038] And when we came up, comedy was pretty harsh, man. It was like Eddie Murphy and Sam Kinnis and a lot of stuff you go back and listen.

[1039] Now you're like, but still it was, you know, it was super funny and it was just very aggressive comedy.

[1040] Yes, yes, yes.

[1041] Now, you, you eventually get on Mad TV.

[1042] Is that your first big job?

[1043] Oh, my God.

[1044] It was like, yeah, I was, I was 24 -ish and a couple of the vets had left.

[1045] Will Saso had left and Alex Boorstein.

[1046] Emmy nominee, Alex Borstein left.

[1047] And they hired Josh and I. And it was, yeah, it was like my love.

[1048] Life went from being, like, pretty brutal to, like, amazing, like that.

[1049] Yeah, paycheck every week.

[1050] Yeah, and it was like late night money, but still, like, great.

[1051] Compared to fucking Bus Boy money.

[1052] I mean, it's night and day.

[1053] I had a guy, too, at the restaurant tell me, he goes, I heard you got mad TV.

[1054] I got, he goes, can I give you a piece of advice?

[1055] Keep a couple shifts here a week.

[1056] And I said, I can't do that.

[1057] What if I'm taping or something?

[1058] I can't, like, I couldn't do that.

[1059] But, yeah.

[1060] Someone else just had that same story, Monica.

[1061] Oh, Lillard.

[1062] He went to quit his restaurant job When he got cereal mom And they're like, you're an idiot Don't quit I had that I had that for sure But yeah we did that And it was fun You know I It was a huge Can I ask a really quick question Did you like me Just idolize SNL?

[1063] Yes So any Was there any like duality Did the decision where it's like God I'm so grateful to be on the show But now I've permanently signed No at the time zero Oh that's great Because the reality was, like, I, I, I would see a little bit of Manate TV hearing them, but I loved S &L, right?

[1064] Yeah.

[1065] And, and, and again, one of the best eras of S &L, I think, was that kind of high school at like 92, 93, like Dana Carvey, Mike Myers.

[1066] I love that.

[1067] So I loved S &L, but like the thought of even getting to S &L, I didn't even know that route, but I, I, I, they, Matt TV made me the offer and I was like, great.

[1068] not one minute of like, I'm going to hold out for something else because I was like, great.

[1069] It's a show that's going to let me do sketches.

[1070] And they really like, Matt TV really welcomed me. I remember the first, they saw me and Josh Myers do a two -man show and they bought a bunch of the sketches.

[1071] And our first live taping, we shot like two or three sketches that I wrote.

[1072] And it was like, I was like, oh, this is fucking great.

[1073] I am so happy here.

[1074] And that lasted about two years.

[1075] Yeah, of course.

[1076] And then I started getting like, you know, annoyed and, aren't we the worst?

[1077] We are the worst.

[1078] We are the worst.

[1079] My frustration with Mad TV was always, you know, the problem with it is this.

[1080] And I'll be very blunt and very honest.

[1081] And I'm not trying to hurt feelings here is that the genesis of S &L has always been from Lauren Michaels, right?

[1082] It's always been his mind and his taste and his POV, no matter who is the head writer or who's the cast, Lauren really is.

[1083] And Lauren is just like a comedy genius.

[1084] He just fucking is.

[1085] He's a wizard.

[1086] And Mad TV was owned by a guy who's a really nice guy and a smart executive.

[1087] He ran Laura Marr back in the 80s.

[1088] But he's not a comedy guy.

[1089] But he would, you know.

[1090] You drank the Kool -Aid and wanted to be, I think, a little bit of that.

[1091] And the problem with, you know, first of all, I always was annoyed that Mad TV was on Saturday nights.

[1092] I was every year, I'd be like, can I make a suggestion?

[1093] Can we be on Fridays?

[1094] And they would get fucking mad and be like, stop suggesting that.

[1095] And I was like, but you're splitting your audience.

[1096] Because this is before TiVo.

[1097] By the way, I probably would have given Mad TV a chance.

[1098] If it was on another night?

[1099] I was like we were asking people to choose.

[1100] And when I come to realize that I think the original impetus for Mad TV was this, let's take down SNL, which is not really cool.

[1101] But so to take down something that has zero detractors and enemies and nothing to love.

[1102] And is a national institution and like.

[1103] It's like 60 minutes.

[1104] Yeah, yeah.

[1105] Let's launch a news program on Sunday.

[1106] We have one more minutes.

[1107] So that was a problem And then also too is just like I was always like just you Because we had great writers on that show And really good actors man We had some you know Jordan Peel And Keegan Michael Key and And Michael McDonald and Nicole Parker And like all these Monica's getting real hot under the collar right now Why for Jordan Jordan Peel?

[1108] I love him He's a really good friend of mine I just texted with him a couple A couple days ago I haven't heard back But you know he's busy He's shooting a movie But I know when he's wraps let them decompress for a week or so 10 days go on vacation when he comes back i know i'll be getting a text being like what's up man um but it was we had this great creatively we had this really great group and i felt like we would constantly um try playing s and l's game where we would get guests and like every once in a while we get like a cool guest but a lot of times it was like yeah and so so i i would get you know frustrated that and i would say because they would end up taking up a bunch of real estate that they should and it was all selfish it was all me being selfish yeah but also too I was also like let's not and I I would give this note to SNL too like don't do if you find a sketch that hits your instinct is to do five right away and it's like and I know that's how SNL like you know to really kind of became SNL but the cone heads and stuff I get the model but I was always on mad TV's like we don't have to do that we could do crazy new shit every week but it was the same it was turning the same thing every week you know this character this stock character and and I don't have I'm not like a groundling right you know those groundlings are so amazing and they could just take anything and be like well I'm John Peterson like they're just fucking they're freaks like that and I'm more built to be like the straight man UCB second city IO so I struggled in that area and I was always surprised that I lasted that long in the show I always thought I would get fired every year so stay tuned for more armchair expert if you did So you, at a certain point at the end of a five -year contract, you could have re -uped and you chose.

[1109] No, they, they, they, they, they, my contract was up and it was so embarrassing too.

[1110] I was like, I was living with my wife who was still my girlfriend at the time.

[1111] And I was like, they're going to want me back for that six season.

[1112] And I got to tell you, I'm ready to do my own shit.

[1113] So if they want me, they're going to have to show me the money.

[1114] This is 2005.

[1115] So you can still quote, try and require.

[1116] But they showed me no money, quite literally zero.

[1117] And I remember two, my wife had taken me for my birthday to the Palm, Aspen Food and Wine Festival, the Food and Wine Festival in Aspen.

[1118] She took me to this fancy that I were at a hotel and to find out, like, all of a sudden, I didn't have a job.

[1119] I was like, oh, shit.

[1120] But then I was still kind of confident because I was like, oh, I know that happens.

[1121] He got some tape.

[1122] I got a great reel going.

[1123] And I'm just going to pivot right into being the number one.

[1124] Maybe the number two on a sitcom that'll be, you know, last a few years.

[1125] And then we'll figure it out.

[1126] And I just like walked.

[1127] Have you ever seen the road, the movie The Road?

[1128] The McCormack book turned into a movie.

[1129] I remember when Charlie's walks out, she just like leaves and walks into the whatever the fuck is going on, the abyss.

[1130] That's what I walked into.

[1131] And I for about three years, that was definitely, it was much harder those three years than the first two years because, you know, someone said, you know, it's worse to have money than lose it than never have it.

[1132] And I don't know if that's true.

[1133] but it fucking sucked because people sometimes people would know you.

[1134] I'd argue it is worse because you lose your skill set.

[1135] Like I was great at living broke.

[1136] Like it was never a problem.

[1137] I lived for 10 years on $8 ,000 a year and I did fine.

[1138] I ate sandwiches before I met people for dinner.

[1139] Yep.

[1140] I got drunk before I got to the bar.

[1141] Everything was fine.

[1142] I still did all the same shit.

[1143] But yeah, if I had to go back, boy, it'd be a big learning curve.

[1144] It's tough.

[1145] It was tough.

[1146] And the worst part too is just I wanted to work, man. And I wasn't getting any looks.

[1147] Casting directors were nice, but network people, I tested for so many shows and never, ever made it to that next kind of level.

[1148] And, you know, I basically, to pay the bills, I would get like small parts and like, you know, parody movies and stuff.

[1149] Right.

[1150] And I did every parody movie from like 2005 to like 2007.

[1151] And, but my partner had moved, Dave had moved to D .C. to join a local Nazi group there joke and see he's gonna get fucking mad at me no he was working for you ever watch pardon the interruption it was like an ESPN show do you ever watch coverage of Charlottesville he created Unite the Right again I'm sorry I missed your question formulating my joke sorry do you ever watch part of the interruption it's like a sports show with Tony Mike Wilbon it's on ESPN at like I feel like I have seen it's the original show where they have two two guys arguing about topics side by side right so he worked for that and he said he graded that you know he just worked on it's like a producer tape cutter and he's like listen I'm gonna come back to LA and I want us to really focus on writing so we were like great and we wrote a couple movies that you know we just you know when you when you back look back at your first thing you wrote it's terrible so we were writing these horrible movies but then we had an idea for a movie and we we worked on it and we said this movie makes sense and it's it it feels like it's our sensibility and we soul it.

[1152] Oh, wow.

[1153] And from the, and that was, that was a central intelligence.

[1154] Can I just say really quick people underestimate because I as a writer as well.

[1155] Yeah.

[1156] If you think acting, it's hard, fucking writing.

[1157] It's impossible.

[1158] It's impossible.

[1159] So to sell something.

[1160] Yeah.

[1161] I was trying to do that way longer than I was trying to act.

[1162] And yeah.

[1163] Yeah.

[1164] And I didn't get to do it for 12 years.

[1165] It's impossible.

[1166] And you know, you, you know, you get people who read it and they're all nice.

[1167] And some people be like, oh, we didn't like the script.

[1168] But we like to meet you and you go in the meeting.

[1169] But once you sell something.

[1170] Yep.

[1171] We sold it to Universal.

[1172] It was the movie.

[1173] It was the movie.

[1174] It was the movie.

[1175] that Central Intelligence, right?

[1176] We sold it and from that point on, I was like, okay, I'm just going to be a writer now.

[1177] So you saw that movie, this is so New Line for people who don't know much about New Line and they're under Warner Brothers, but they will keep a script around and they'll keep trying to figure out putting it together.

[1178] We sold it to Universal actually and then it went to New Line and went back to Universal, but they will find scripts that have been dormant for years.

[1179] Yeah, because what year did you sell Central Intelligence?

[1180] We sold that in 2000 and either eight or 2009 and it got made in 2000.

[1181] So 10 years later, basically.

[1182] basically yeah and in a lot of like horrible bosses i was attached to that 12 years ago you know and then i think i read like the ghost of girlfriends past was written in like 1997 or something they're just like they find these where the millers was right yeah where the millers was another cool it's like generally when you have a script die somewhere it's fucking dead well that's the thing about rossin thurber is that he both central intelligence and where the millers he like saw these projects that were just sitting there and he's like these have like conceptual strong backbones.

[1183] Yeah.

[1184] I can work with this and he got both of them to the screen.

[1185] It's really a testament to Rosson.

[1186] Yeah.

[1187] but we sold that and I was like, look, I'm just not going to be an actor anymore because I'm, no one's interested and I'm just going to write.

[1188] So we, you know, again, with a few exceptions, small parts here and there, I was just writing.

[1189] I have a lot of respect for people who write because it is by far the shittiest aspect of the whole business.

[1190] Well, it's also like if you want, you get an audition and you spend, say three days.

[1191] And I don't know about you, but I used to walk into auditions basically cold because I was like, I'm fucking charming.

[1192] And then I realized that that's probably why I never booked a part ever.

[1193] And now I have to like, you got to be off book.

[1194] Yeah.

[1195] I still audition for shit once in a while.

[1196] Well, see, I was forced to do that because I have dyslexia and I can't be caught holding a script in an audition because I will get lost on the page.

[1197] I'll get all fucked up.

[1198] So it was just never an option for me doing it.

[1199] So yeah, I learned how to do that.

[1200] But the point is like you may maybe you spend two, three days on something.

[1201] And you kind of learn very quickly if you're not going to get it.

[1202] But like if it's something you, if it's a spec script, holy shit, you've spent months on it.

[1203] And then it goes out to the town.

[1204] That was always the worst.

[1205] We write a speck and it goes out to the town.

[1206] And you start getting these updates.

[1207] You know, well, on Monday, well, Lionsgate didn't think it was right for them in Paramounts a pass, but Universal and New Line and Fox.

[1208] And they're all still in them.

[1209] And then like, and then I learn in this business, bad news travels very slow.

[1210] You get the good.

[1211] news right away the bad news just kind of teeters out a little bit there and what's really pretty undeniable too is because I would assume like me I think all my scripts are the same greatness like I have no barometer of what's great what's not but but it cannot be a coincidence that the good ones within three hours there's a phone call from your agent and three studios want it yeah it's never it's never like one it's either four want it or nobody wants yes exactly there is a consensus is what you want to admit it or not.

[1212] But it's so personal too.

[1213] You think with sketches, like when I was at the ground lanes, I write six a week.

[1214] I am dead certain all six are of equal comedic value.

[1215] Yeah.

[1216] And you just start putting them up and you're like, oh, that's my thing.

[1217] I still think same underwear as unmentionable is hysterical.

[1218] No one does.

[1219] It's crazy too, especially when you're writing a sketch show because people, like, you know, I always said like writing a sketch show as being in a submarine.

[1220] You know, you're writing the show and you've got the date up on the wall and you're leading towards it and it's crazy.

[1221] And people get.

[1222] crazy about their material and the sketch and I'll never forget we were doing writing our new show at Boom Chicago and I think it was Josh Myers wrote this sketch and it just didn't work it just didn't work Most don't and most don't almost every sketch is bad and right away we tried it and people started kind of picking it apart and you get really mad and I remember Josh like walking out to go to coffee and it's always that last line you say before you angry leave the room and he goes he goes I fuck this you know what you're just a bunch of, you're a bunch of fucking little baby vampires.

[1223] We all look at like vampires.

[1224] But yeah, you get very precious.

[1225] Well, you know what's really funny is the character I ended up doing in idiocry was one that just was always polarizing.

[1226] Can I, can I do an impression of it?

[1227] Please do.

[1228] yeah, yeah.

[1229] Go away, baiting.

[1230] He's like a dumb ass.

[1231] It's the fucking greatest character.

[1232] The greatest movie.

[1233] I love it.

[1234] There was genuinely a guy in my high school who spoke identical to Frito.

[1235] So it's something I had been doing with my best friend, Aaron Weekly, my whole life.

[1236] Ouch, my boss.

[1237] Like, anytime we were in trouble, I would be like, oh, fuck, we need a tow truck.

[1238] You know, like, any time we were up, shit's correct, they'd be like, do you know someone with a phone?

[1239] Like, we'd be fucked and we'd talk like this guy who just was always in over his head, right?

[1240] And so I just did that since I was 17.

[1241] and then of course in the growlings when you're you know introducing characters that was one I would bring up but always half the people fucking hated it and half the people loved it no one was in the middle no one just was like I don't know is it good or bad they're like no that's the worst most annoying thing that movie's so good by the way and I know it's like so like cliche to be like it's happening now but like it fucking is guys like you look at some of those rallies and you're like it's like Camacho's coming out oh I wish by the way talk about the performer of the year in that movie is Terry Chris.

[1242] I mean, it's out of control.

[1243] Well, Mike had, like, he just collected people in real life.

[1244] Yeah.

[1245] Like, the Ow My Balls guy is a guy he would go see do stand -up who didn't really have a pension for doing stand -up.

[1246] He was just, like, he loved this guy's dedication to doing stand -up, and then he's in the movie.

[1247] It's so awesome.

[1248] Mike likes, or like Willie D's in the movie.

[1249] Which one's Willie D. Because we like the ghetto boys.

[1250] He's the pimp.

[1251] Oh, fuck, right.

[1252] Upgrade with triple D. God.

[1253] Mike loves the ghetto boys.

[1254] I love the ghetto They were amazing, man Yeah This year Trick a treatin Getobos a trick a treatin Yeah This year Halloween Then I felt just like a fiend It wasn't even close To Halloween That song is deep That's a good song But I like the older shit Like gangster boogies Yeah Yeah Flip me over I'm a back dog Open up my butt cheeks And started licking out my asshole Like who can write a rhyme Like that There was so much Ass eating in 92 hip hop They loved it They loved it Remember that two lap crew It was like Lift that shit To let doodoo brown It was like What the fuck What the fuck is going on in Miami?

[1255] I honestly remember thinking, like, being too young, I couldn't even wrap my head around.

[1256] It was like my experience at the mechanic show.

[1257] Yeah, I don't get it.

[1258] I don't get it, but I like it.

[1259] Okay, so the weird, there's a lot of parallels between you and Seth and Evan.

[1260] Yeah, yeah.

[1261] And as you've worked with him, have you got, do you guys bond on like a cellular level?

[1262] I, I remember when I first saw Seth Rogen and I was like, this guy's so great.

[1263] He's my age and he's, and then I was like, he's fucking seven years younger than me. Piece of shit.

[1264] I was a very big fan of his, though.

[1265] I, um, kind of freaks and geeks.

[1266] The Judd movement really was a big thing for me. I was just like comedy for me, you know, um, and were you a lover or a hater?

[1267] You sound like you're kind of a lover.

[1268] Oh, lover.

[1269] Was there anyone though that used to bash on because you were just simply jealous?

[1270] Oh, God, I'm sure.

[1271] I mean, I had that with, there were so many parts that I like lost out to.

[1272] Uh -huh.

[1273] And so there was always like that guy that I would see.

[1274] that guy got the part but the parts that I always lost too were always people that did a much better job than me. That's happened.

[1275] Like, I like auditioned to be Jim Halpert and like John Krasinski did a much better job than I would have done.

[1276] I auditioned to be Andy Dwyer.

[1277] Chris Pratt did a much better job than I would have done.

[1278] So, like there was always that.

[1279] But I'm trying to like jealousy.

[1280] That's okay.

[1281] I mean, on TV we had to rip on people a lot, which kind of like...

[1282] Did that bum me out?

[1283] It bummed me out a little bit.

[1284] I wouldn't like doing that either.

[1285] I didn't like it.

[1286] I mean, publicly it was tough.

[1287] And it was like, And you're hoping to work with these people one day.

[1288] I know, I know.

[1289] And there were some people that, like, I didn't care.

[1290] Like, I, like, I made fun of Dane Cook all the time.

[1291] I was like, oh, Dan Cook, I'm going to cook.

[1292] But then there was, like, there was one time that I was like, they wanted me to make fun of John Mahoney, the dad on Frazier.

[1293] And I was like, I love Frasier.

[1294] I love John Mahoney.

[1295] Yeah, that was the aspect.

[1296] I didn't really love that show.

[1297] But as terms of Seth and Evan, I just was huge fans of their sensibility.

[1298] They were like, literally, like, my partner and I would look at them.

[1299] And I was like, this is what we should do.

[1300] Like, if we were young.

[1301] and Canadian we could be these guys and and I loved loved love super bad like I think like the first 45 minutes is super bad and I put that up against any movie not like the last 45 is bad it's just the first 45 is so high school and so real to me yes but I was huge fans of those guys and then I first met Seth when I was doing eastbound and down and he came and did one scene he's in the cold open of the last episode of the last season I was in or the only season I was in and I'll never forget get, we all stayed at, they shoot that in Wilmington, North Carolina, yeah.

[1302] And we were staying at this hotel called the blockade runner.

[1303] And it hit me again with that.

[1304] Blockade runner.

[1305] The block.

[1306] What is that supposed to elicit?

[1307] It's probably some like, well, it's named after the Confederate ship that killed so.

[1308] I have no idea.

[1309] But, but, so I was there in my hotel room and Danny McBride called me. What's up, ma 'am?

[1310] Do you know Seth Rogen?

[1311] And I was like, no, I'm a big fan.

[1312] He goes, cool, cool, cool, cool.

[1313] He's downstairs in the hotel.

[1314] Yo, do you have any weed?

[1315] And I was like, yeah, I have some weed.

[1316] He's like, cool, cool, cool.

[1317] Hey, can you go down to room 12 and introduce yourself to Seth and give him a little bit of weed?

[1318] Deliver some weed to him.

[1319] So, like, I go down and I knock on the door and I hear like, oh, I hear that voice.

[1320] Oh, hold on.

[1321] Hold on.

[1322] Clearly shitting.

[1323] Or jerking off, I think.

[1324] I don't know.

[1325] Or bound to a chair.

[1326] or bound to a chair but like he takes him a minute to come to the door and he comes in and he goes talking about delivering on the brand yeah it's not like you is like knock knock I was like hold on a rook to nine so you hear him growling out of shit I go hold on and he comes the door and goes hey hey and I go hey man and I go you're presenting him like a grandpa he's like a Charlie Derning.

[1327] What do you want?

[1328] I go, hey, hey, I'm Ike.

[1329] He goes, oh, hey, hey, I got some weed for you.

[1330] He goes, oh, oh, oh, thank you.

[1331] And I give it to him.

[1332] And he looks at me and he's about to close him.

[1333] He goes, you caught me at a bad moment.

[1334] So I was like, oh, that's cool, you know.

[1335] So then later that night, like I see him, like we're hanging out on set, you know, and I see him we're hanging out.

[1336] I think he thought I was just like a PA or like Danny's assistant or something, you know they had a night shoot and I hung out with them and and then a super cool guy you know he was on the pot I barely yeah super cool guy but then very shortly there afterwards but a year later after eastbound I got hired by Mindy we're on the Mindy project and then he came and did an episode of the Mindy Project and we hung out more and then which is all publicly acknowledge how gracious and generous he is that he goes and does the Mindy show he does he's found and down he's my podcast what a guy He's a, like a genuinely good guy.

[1337] A minch.

[1338] He's a minch.

[1339] He's a minch's minch.

[1340] And then from, kind of from Mindy, he brought me in for neighbors.

[1341] And that's kind of how I got hooked into his pipeline with him and Evan.

[1342] Yeah.

[1343] And that is a, that is a fun world.

[1344] I told this to Howard Stern, but like, like I said, I like the pot.

[1345] Yeah.

[1346] I like the pot.

[1347] Sure.

[1348] And I can function a little bit.

[1349] Like I can definitely write when I'm on pot.

[1350] But ride a motorcycle.

[1351] Write a motorcycle.

[1352] Operate, you know, forklift.

[1353] Fencing.

[1354] Fencing.

[1355] Chains all work.

[1356] I run my whole daycare.

[1357] But there's certain things I just can't do.

[1358] And he is able to, I don't know if he still does it.

[1359] But he can, he's like Irving Thalberg.

[1360] But he's like, you know, the original mogul of Hollywood.

[1361] But he's able to be stoned.

[1362] He'll be like smoking a join, be like, hold on one second.

[1363] Hey, Toby.

[1364] Emmerick, how you doing?

[1365] Yeah.

[1366] I think it's good.

[1367] you know but you know yeah hold on one second that's the trailer you know it's too long it's too fucking long they got to cut 10 seconds on the backside hold on hold on to be let me get the script here yeah no no no no Evan and I will fix this it's a whole fucking thing and uh hold on one second yeah yeah when's my lunch with that dame cancel by 230 with jean harlowe uh but he's just able to uh do so many different things suck down that duby yeah and and it's just i i admire it yeah and he has the greatest fucking weed man i know you don't but like my dad comes to the neighbors to a premier party and westwood at the after party and they have like 12 different hotel rooms that they've rented out people are moving from room to room and I'm talking to Seth and he you know he pulls out a joint and my dad like I just see my dad in the periphery start salivating and he just kind of moves moves over and uh Seth hands in the joint I look at my dad and I go one hit one hit and he takes you know he's hit like a real baby boomer where he's like like you know what I mean I was like fuck and then he takes like did he lick the side of the joint he didn't look at no he smelled the he smelled the front of it which is so like Michael Douglas and romancing the stone but anyway so my dad smokes there's a couple hits of this and like 30 minutes later my brother's there he's like where's dad and I was like fuck and we looked through every single room until he finally the last room it's like the end of the hallway he's sitting by himself in a suite like in the corner or just, like, sitting quietly.

[1368] I was like, all right, come on, man, we're going home.

[1369] He's like, okay, okay.

[1370] How about mom?

[1371] Does mom partake?

[1372] Mom's not?

[1373] No, mom likes her white wine.

[1374] Yeah.

[1375] She likes white wine.

[1376] Yeah, she's Irish, she said, right?

[1377] Yeah, yeah.

[1378] We can't escape our genetics.

[1379] No, we can't.

[1380] We are what we literally are.

[1381] We are what we literally are.

[1382] We are what we literally.

[1383] We are what we are biologically are.

[1384] But yeah, mom, not so much, dad, but dad, dad enjoys.

[1385] But mom and dad are cool, right?

[1386] Mom and dad are cool.

[1387] Yeah.

[1388] They're laid back.

[1389] They're like great.

[1390] Dad was a lawyer.

[1391] Dad was a lawyer and mom, you know, mom really got involved with school and stuff.

[1392] Once my brother came, she was really kind of full -time mom, full -time school stuff.

[1393] They're just like chill, fun, cool, you know, liberal baby boomers.

[1394] But your dad was, you clearly have to be an academic to get a law degree and pass the bar.

[1395] Well, dad was in showbiz first.

[1396] Oh, he was.

[1397] Dad was an acting major.

[1398] They were both theater majors.

[1399] Oh, really?

[1400] In 1969 and at Ohio State, 1973 in Ohio State.

[1401] And dad was like, I'm going to, I'm going to do it.

[1402] And it was a great time to be in Chicago because Belushi and Joe Flaherty and Harold Ramis were really big.

[1403] And he started doing some standout and he played some clubs.

[1404] And I think kind of quickly, I know, like he was, you know, just like a lot of our parents, they got married so young, so much younger than we get married.

[1405] And I think he kind of had that, you know, epiphany of, huh, how do you make this work?

[1406] Do I go on the road and sacrifice a family or do I try to.

[1407] make it work.

[1408] Or do I get the job with the longest hours humanly possible?

[1409] I miss it in another way.

[1410] Exactly.

[1411] And like a true boomer and shows a ladder.

[1412] But no, he went to law school and, you know, you know, I always kind of felt like he sacrificed his show based dream.

[1413] So my brother and I could have ours, which is why, like, I'm always happy to talk about show because he loves it.

[1414] Like he, I never forget.

[1415] We were, and he came out to visit, you know, they come out a lot.

[1416] And we were at the Whole Foods over on Third and Fairfax.

[1417] And we're in the produce.

[1418] And he comes up to me and just, like, nudges me and motions to someone.

[1419] And I look and see this older black man looking at vegetables.

[1420] And my dad goes, my dad goes, why'd that make me so nervous?

[1421] He goes, it's him.

[1422] And I look up.

[1423] And I know that it's Clarence Williams III, an actor from the TV show, the Monsquod.

[1424] But you would have thought that it was Samuel Jackson or Cindy Poitier or something.

[1425] Will Smith.

[1426] And I go, yeah, yeah.

[1427] And my dad goes, got to talk to him.

[1428] I go, leave him alone.

[1429] Let the man pick his produce.

[1430] Hold on.

[1431] He would have liked it probably.

[1432] Yes, yes.

[1433] But I was just like, I just don't want, I never want to bother anyone.

[1434] Well, don't you think that's because our parents are an extension of our own ego as we are an extension of theirs.

[1435] Parents are parents.

[1436] And they feel like they're the ones that just said something bonkers.

[1437] But they didn't.

[1438] And we all know there's a big delineation between parent and child.

[1439] But isn't it funny how it just affects you?

[1440] You're powerless over it.

[1441] It makes you crazy, man. It makes you crazy.

[1442] And then you get my, luckily my dad, like, for you, I made him an extra on a mad TV sketch one time and he hated it so much that like, but like, I have some friends whose parents are like, the dad's like, I'm going to be in this.

[1443] And it's like, let's keep everything separate guys.

[1444] Yeah.

[1445] But, yeah.

[1446] And is he, he's able your father, because he was successful as a lawyer, I presume he wasn't.

[1447] We were, we were like, I don't mean that he's rich, but he's successful.

[1448] seated at his pursuit of being a lawyer.

[1449] We never wanted food, you know, and we never were wanting for food.

[1450] And we were like, what I would describe is like what's probably gone now, which is like just kissing up the middle class.

[1451] We're like we, you know, we lived in a very small apartment in Chicago and in the middle of the city and.

[1452] Oh, you lived right downtown?

[1453] Oh, uptown.

[1454] I lived on the north side like about a mile from Wigleyfield.

[1455] Off topic.

[1456] Do you read devil devil in the white city?

[1457] Yes.

[1458] Yes.

[1459] It must have been so fun having grown up there to read that book.

[1460] My partner, Dave, the Nazi, the, oberstere, his house that he grew up in was built by Burnham.

[1461] No way.

[1462] Yeah, yeah.

[1463] So that's like the best Chicago book of all time.

[1464] And there are some great ones.

[1465] Well, I had been to Chicago a million times having grown up in Detroit.

[1466] And I'd seen all those buildings.

[1467] I could give a flying fog.

[1468] I read that book.

[1469] And then the next time I was in Chicago, I took the silly boat tour, the architecture boat tour.

[1470] And I loved it.

[1471] How have they not made that movie?

[1472] yet.

[1473] I know Leo keeps trying to make it, but that movie is like, I'm just like, it's written to be a movie.

[1474] Yes.

[1475] I mean, come on.

[1476] Or even better, maybe like a 12 -bar show.

[1477] Something like a really sing my teeth to do.

[1478] I love Larson.

[1479] But so anyways, I was going to say he's, he had his own success.

[1480] He did.

[1481] Absolutely.

[1482] So is he able to to watch you just from a great place or is there any envy?

[1483] No, no, it's a great place and it's a fun place and just wants to, could He couldn't be rooting for his sons more and just, I think he is tickled by what we're doing.

[1484] That's great.

[1485] Because when he comes out, like, he couldn't be happy.

[1486] He also, he probably has a perspective that is hard for us to have, which is he never forgets.

[1487] You were a tiny little baby in his apartment in Chicago, and now you're making a living doing this.

[1488] Yeah.

[1489] He is not looking at you going, why isn't he Adam Sandler?

[1490] No, God.

[1491] Right?

[1492] But we're trapped in a, well, then.

[1493] Next is Adam Sandler.

[1494] How do I get there?

[1495] That's a thing that was some parents where like the jealousy cuts in and I'm just like, fuck that.

[1496] That's really sad.

[1497] No, my parents have like, I got kicked out of college.

[1498] Well, that's what I was kind of leading towards is that your dad clearly did well in school if he became a lawyer.

[1499] He did.

[1500] And you did not do well.

[1501] I did terrible in school.

[1502] I loved my teachers and I loved being at school.

[1503] Okay.

[1504] But I just couldn't focus.

[1505] I hated studying.

[1506] I hated homework.

[1507] So you think it was an attention issue?

[1508] A little bit.

[1509] I'm sure now.

[1510] I'd be prescribed some kind of nice, you know, a nice big fat redlin pill or something.

[1511] I would do the reading.

[1512] I just wouldn't do the reading they wanted me to do.

[1513] If we were reading about, you know, the federalist papers, I would be reading about like the Civil Rights Act or vice versa.

[1514] I just was, but I loved my teachers and I was just, I just wanted to hang out of my friends and watch TV and watch movies and shit.

[1515] But I did well enough to get into like some kind of program at Boston University, even though it was like the bad.

[1516] You know, like, at college, they have, like, the bad program where they're like, if you do well here, then you can pivot right into the college.

[1517] You know what I mean?

[1518] No, I didn't know that.

[1519] It's basically like, it's basically for like trust fund kids or like hockey players or like kids.

[1520] Yeah, the athletes.

[1521] Yeah, yeah.

[1522] I got into it.

[1523] And I love Boston.

[1524] I hated BU.

[1525] I hated being there.

[1526] I went crazy.

[1527] I had never done drugs before.

[1528] All of a sudden, I'm smoking weed.

[1529] I'm eating mushrooms.

[1530] I was, I was definitely like, and then I really was like, I really was like, I. I want to do movies, right?

[1531] So I just stopped going to class.

[1532] But I told my parents that everything was going fine.

[1533] I was like, yeah, I'm doing fine.

[1534] You know, I'm getting most of, yeah.

[1535] You're a piece of shit.

[1536] What a piece of shit.

[1537] And my dad, my fucking dad said to me, my friend, I'm going to take you on a vacation.

[1538] I'm going to know back on real voice.

[1539] I'm going to take you on a vacation to L .A. and Las Vegas because you finished your first year of college and I'm so proud of you.

[1540] Oh, my.

[1541] Oh, my.

[1542] So I was like...

[1543] By the way, by the way, this is how you parent because that is so much more soul -crushing.

[1544] Wow.

[1545] Fucking unimaginable.

[1546] And I know it's coming, kind of.

[1547] So he takes me to go to Vegas.

[1548] Oh, God.

[1549] Go to L .A. We have this great trip.

[1550] We see my cousin, Adam Rifkin make a movie.

[1551] And you're living a lie.

[1552] I am like so terrified.

[1553] The hammer's about to drop.

[1554] And it dropped.

[1555] I can tell you the moment it dropped.

[1556] You're like shopping for tuxitos to marry a woman and you're gay.

[1557] I'm getting it's how bad.

[1558] I was a gay man. I was a gay man on the day of.

[1559] my wedding to a beautiful woman.

[1560] And we are in the hotel room at, I think we were at the Universal Hilton.

[1561] And this is before cell phones.

[1562] He calls my mom.

[1563] He goes, hey, we're about to go to the airport.

[1564] What's wrong?

[1565] Oh, boy, the grades came.

[1566] What's wrong?

[1567] Why are you crying?

[1568] Why are you crying?

[1569] What?

[1570] What the fuck?

[1571] And he turns and he goes, did you get kicked out of college?

[1572] And I was like, what?

[1573] Oh, what?

[1574] Oh, geez, double down.

[1575] Double down.

[1576] Oh, and then, like, on the way to the airport, like, the truth starts trickling out.

[1577] I'm like, well, I did kind of stop going to class.

[1578] And we flew back on a Southwest flight from L .A. to Chicago.

[1579] It's a three row.

[1580] And there was a guy not sitting between us, but sitting next to my dad.

[1581] And I'm in the middle, and my dad's just yelling at me on the plane.

[1582] And then he starts to cry.

[1583] Oh, my.

[1584] This is saddest.

[1585] story I've ever heard of my life.

[1586] And he's on the plane going, I don't know, can you lie about your mother and me?

[1587] You lied to us.

[1588] And like, also, guess what, man, that fucking college costs like, oh, God, $30 ,000.

[1589] Yeah.

[1590] So, um, it was pretty fucking rough for a minute.

[1591] Oh, my, my, my mom didn't speak to me for like a week, which is unheard of in my house.

[1592] And I also said of them, too, I was like, what if she went back to being Catholic just for that week to really know how to, she became a nun.

[1593] She joined a nunnery.

[1594] Your mother.

[1595] in the convent.

[1596] Your mother is a nun now.

[1597] So, so, and I said to the two of that, I'm not going back.

[1598] I don't want to do it.

[1599] I don't know what I want to do.

[1600] I like acting, blah, blah, blah.

[1601] They knew that I liked comedy and stuff.

[1602] So my dad took me to see the Improv Olympic 15th anniversary.

[1603] You've got like the best fucking dad in the world.

[1604] The best fucking mom and dad in the world.

[1605] And because he was friends with a woman whose brother was theater and I went and I saw like Adam McKay and Amy Poehler.

[1606] And specifically Tim Meadows was so.

[1607] funny that I was like oh I want to do something like this and that was really how I got into the whole improv scene and stuff and I got to say my parents they came to probably 300 improv shows if not more over the years and like came to everyone and even the ones that were like you you know like there are nights where there's improv shows where there's nothing like a death camp is funnier than a fucking improv show oh when it goes bad oh when it goes bad and you start trying to overcompensate by swearing and going blue oh it's the worst and they just they came to every one and just were so supportive and have never looked back.

[1608] That's really amazing.

[1609] Did you have a plan?

[1610] Like what was your plan to get out of this college situation?

[1611] I was just like I knew I was going to get in a lot of trouble and they said if I could retake five classes, maybe I could get back.

[1612] Basically all the classes.

[1613] And I was like, I'm not doing that.

[1614] And I was like, I love movies and I was like, I want to do something.

[1615] But I just didn't know.

[1616] And it wasn't really until I had.

[1617] this moment of clarity.

[1618] Like one of the seminal moments in my life will be watching Tim Meadows do a impersonate like Mario Van Peebles or something and made me laugh so hard that I was like, ah, this feels like something I could do.

[1619] It was really, and then from there, it's like you start taking classes and then the path kind of present itself where it's like, well, the goal is the second city main stage and then the ultimate goal after that is S &L.

[1620] And so then the path is kind of laid out for you.

[1621] And I think just at different points, I took these little weird turns.

[1622] Amsterdam is a little weird turn.

[1623] And mad TV that took me in a little weird direction.

[1624] And then, ooh, this movie writing took me in a little weird direction.

[1625] So the path is always there.

[1626] And I just kind of took these little detours to get to kind of where I wanted to be.

[1627] Can I ask a personal question?

[1628] Did you deal with breakups the same way you dealt with that college scenario?

[1629] Was that kind of, yeah, that's 100 % movie.

[1630] I never, I never had a real girlfriend before I met my wife.

[1631] Oh, really?

[1632] Never, nothing for more than like, a few maybe months or so just because I was so probably afraid of intimacy a little bit when I was with my girlfriends I loved to like lay in bed naked and talk and like to dances and shit whatever but like I just didn't want to be tethered to anything right you know so I would do that horrible thing of they now call it ghosting yeah you just ignore them and I and I feel bad but I was never like you know mean I know that's inherently mean but I would just kind of be like you know, I'll give you a call next week.

[1633] And then there's not, I'm not cool.

[1634] And so you, I guess it's safe to say you're just really afraid of conflict or you're just terrified of disappointing people?

[1635] Both.

[1636] Those two things, I think.

[1637] Like, I don't like conflict, but when it happens, I think I handle it very well.

[1638] Even though I get a little hotter on the collar, I think I still like, I am very quick to resolve.

[1639] Like if I get in a fight with Dave over something, like we'll get, we'll be like, fuck you.

[1640] But then then five minutes later, I'm like, we're cool, right?

[1641] And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1642] That to me is like the perfect fight.

[1643] Get it out quickly and make up right away.

[1644] Okay, but the line of work you've chosen, you are a business person, you're an entrepreneur, you have, you've chosen a career or it's not, there's a ton of negotiation, basically.

[1645] You get to a point where you get a note on a script and you have to, at times, relent and see their point of view.

[1646] And there's other times you've got to fight and you got to prove why you're correct.

[1647] And so it is a business that does require some assertiveness and being in being able to to hash it out.

[1648] So have you gotten better at it?

[1649] Definitely.

[1650] And I think I learned a lot of that from Mindy.

[1651] Okay.

[1652] Watching Mindy on notes calls was great because she just has this point of view of like, look, the reality is it's not every note they give is bad.

[1653] Oh, for sure.

[1654] Like they give you good notes sometimes.

[1655] And I think she's just very quick at identifying what's good to me like, that is so great.

[1656] And it's so great.

[1657] And then really pick your battles.

[1658] Yes.

[1659] And you know the kind of move I've slowly discovered in the past is just like, embrace the fuck out of the four you agree with.

[1660] Yep.

[1661] And basically just ignore the other ones.

[1662] Don't spend your capital fighting them.

[1663] Just first do the four they love.

[1664] Turn that in, see what they think.

[1665] See if it comes back up again.

[1666] Then you can kind of have that fight.

[1667] And the notes you don't like try a version of it if you want to.

[1668] Uh -huh.

[1669] Or just lie to them.

[1670] Like, you know, we tried that.

[1671] We thought it, but we really talked that one out.

[1672] and we couldn't get there on that one.

[1673] But I think you're right.

[1674] If you're just like effusive and enthusiastic and not lying, you're actually like, this is good.

[1675] I'm going to take these notes and we're going to, you know, work with them and stuff, then I think it just puts them in a better mood and then you're able to kind of still get your way.

[1676] We love Mindy here.

[1677] We want her to come on.

[1678] She won't.

[1679] She won't come.

[1680] I'm going to talk to her.

[1681] I can tell you exactly because I tweeted her publicly.

[1682] Yeah.

[1683] She thinks she sucks on.

[1684] She thinks she sucks on podcast.

[1685] And I'm like bullshit.

[1686] I heard you.

[1687] I've heard you on fresh air and stuff.

[1688] That's not true.

[1689] Dude, I'm going to get her on.

[1690] I'm going to get her on.

[1691] She is so, I never met anyone like her.

[1692] She is so, so goddamn funny and just such a dear, dear friend and has such a, just a crazy perspective on life.

[1693] She's, she's the best man. She gave me so.

[1694] I was like, you know, it was really her.

[1695] I still to this day, I never had a network approved me to be on a TV show.

[1696] Ever.

[1697] Whatever it came down.

[1698] on the network, they always would cast like a hotter guy.

[1699] Did you concoct any conspiracy theories in your head?

[1700] Yeah.

[1701] What was it?

[1702] Weird face.

[1703] Um, teeth.

[1704] Did you, did you signal out?

[1705] Okay.

[1706] So you think your teeth.

[1707] I mean, it was teeth.

[1708] It was also just like.

[1709] I think my nostrils aren't symmetrical and that's a big stumbling.

[1710] I'll tell you, any, any, any, any, any, in, uh, non -symetrics, there's a negative.

[1711] They like, they like the, you know, but, but Mindy was like, uh, you know, when I got hired to be a writer on the show, She's like, I want you to be on the show.

[1712] And she went to the network and was like, he's going to be the guy.

[1713] You're not casting anyone else.

[1714] And like to have someone go to bat for you like that.

[1715] And then also not just keep you relegated to like the three line and episode guy.

[1716] And early on give you stories.

[1717] And it was, it's like the nicest thing.

[1718] She's so cool.

[1719] She's so cool, man. She's a fucking mobile, dude.

[1720] Yeah, it's weird.

[1721] It is, it's weird.

[1722] I find this to be a little pervasive among us.

[1723] and I get where it comes from.

[1724] It's like it is so hard to achieve steady work in this business.

[1725] I mean, it's nearly impossible.

[1726] And so you don't want to ever acknowledge that you were the recipient of luck.

[1727] There's something about it like that you don't really want to admit like because it's so hard.

[1728] You want to be able to own the accomplishment of having struggled and done the thing.

[1729] And then it makes you a little hesitant.

[1730] In my own case, it's like there were periods of time where I. I would just kind of ignore the fact that Ashton Coucher literally pulled me out of a haystack.

[1731] I was one needle and that's why I'm sitting here.

[1732] And so do it because if the 10 years felt so unlucky, but there was a lightning bolt of luck.

[1733] And I think there's a light, you know, you got to have all these things.

[1734] You got to be a hard worker.

[1735] You got to have some monocum of talent.

[1736] And then you need a fucking somehow, Mindy Kaly's got to like fall in love with you and want to help.

[1737] And I've had like people like that like Nicole Sullivan was on Mad TV and saw my two -man show and was like, I'm going to bring the ad producers here.

[1738] Like, we need help.

[1739] I'm not.

[1740] I'm like willing to, like, I want to like let people know that I had a lot of help.

[1741] And the reality of is it wasn't for some of those people.

[1742] I would not be here right now.

[1743] I just wouldn't be.

[1744] It's very life affirming to see someone like you who just has worked hard, been funny, stayed in your lane, been humble.

[1745] All those things have success.

[1746] It's so fantastic.

[1747] And I think when you do it the way you've done it, you kind of build a foundation that I think you and I will talk.

[1748] many times over the next couple decades and I'm very happy for you.

[1749] Is there anything you have coming out that you want to talk about?

[1750] Yes, I have a movie that I directed.

[1751] Oh.

[1752] I directed a film.

[1753] I directed a film.

[1754] It's called The Oath.

[1755] The Oath.

[1756] It's coming out.

[1757] It'll be in L .A. and New York, October 12th.

[1758] Okay.

[1759] And it's going to go wider after that.

[1760] It's produced by QC.

[1761] Who produced Get Out and Black Clansmen.

[1762] These awesome guys, Sean and Ray.

[1763] And it's a movie that is very, topical basically all about politics if you can imagine a world where the president of the United States is obsessed with loyalty and introduces some kind of semi -mandated loyalty oath for the citizenry to take and the country is politically polarized where half the people think it's not a big deal and the other half think it's fashionism and this is two science fiction I know I'm already out I'm out I can't relate and that's kind of the deadline to sign it is the Friday after Thanksgiving is it kind of a horror movie it's like a comedy thriller the trailer's up on my Twitter feed in the get out vain it's definitely like it's better than get out you're saying it's better than get out jordan's shit is a hack i've seen a million movies like get out jordan's one of my best friends yeah what version and i remember him telling me like what it's about and i remember thinking like cool okay uh yeah that sounds great jordan uh and then i went to that opening night and i was like holy shit it's also it's so great because jordan took the two things that he likes the most and combine them, which are horror films and fucking awkward white people.

[1764] Yeah.

[1765] And just made this story.

[1766] Anyway, so they, these guys produced it and it's, it's funny.

[1767] It's fucking weird.

[1768] Who's in it?

[1769] Me and Tiffany Haddish for the stars of it.

[1770] Oh, was it hard to get her?

[1771] Honestly, I wrote it before Girls Trip even came out.

[1772] I was just, have you ever seen Keanu, the movie Jordan Kagan were in?

[1773] She's in it.

[1774] And I just loved her.

[1775] And I was like, I want her to be my wife in a movie.

[1776] And so I wrote it.

[1777] And then while she was reading it, Girls Trip came out and she started becoming Tiffany Addish.

[1778] But God bless her.

[1779] She's like, no, I like this movie.

[1780] It's about, it's what's happening right now.

[1781] I like that.

[1782] And she did it.

[1783] That's awesome.

[1784] John Cho was in it, who's amazing.

[1785] My brother plays my brother in it.

[1786] And he's so good.

[1787] Like you really believe your brother.

[1788] I really believe my brother.

[1789] Like, it really believed.

[1790] Carrie Brownstein and a great actor.

[1791] named Billy Magnuson who was, he was, did you watch the Ryan Murphy OJ show?

[1792] Yes, loved it.

[1793] He was Cato Kalin.

[1794] Oh, yeah.

[1795] He is so good.

[1796] And yeah, it's going to be interesting to see how this movie is received because it's, it'll be a little polarizing, I think.

[1797] And there'll be some people who will be like, it makes me uncomfortable.

[1798] I don't like it.

[1799] But I think it's, it's really, I'm really proud of it.

[1800] I'm really excited for, for folks to check it out.

[1801] you made the movie that was in your head it came out it came out exactly that's all you can fucking do yeah everything else doesn't really matter doesn't matter it's just all about like put it out zeros are you gonna have in your bank account that's it I don't care about that it's the first thing I've ever put out that's complete you know like when you made hit and run yeah yeah that's the first time it's ever been like it wasn't anyone else right it wasn't anyone else's shit it was all dax for better or worse for better or worse I want to no one finances but I was just pitching this to monica the other day I want to make a whole movie that is sincere.

[1802] That only leads up to a single joke where you just spent, you spent 90 minutes creating a dead real world.

[1803] Have you been watching Castle Rock at all?

[1804] No, I'm going to start it though.

[1805] It's so great.

[1806] It's so great.

[1807] I heard it's good.

[1808] I went with succession first.

[1809] Oh, we love that.

[1810] Love.

[1811] I think honestly, top five best music ever in a TV show.

[1812] So fucking cool.

[1813] And the same score over and over over.

[1814] Never tired.

[1815] Variations.

[1816] Love it.

[1817] Love it.

[1818] So anyway, we were watching Castle Rock and it's, it couldn't be more serious.

[1819] It's right.

[1820] fucking, you know, there's murder and all this stuff.

[1821] And they're tight on this actor in a mirror and they're pulling out and they're pulling out and they're pulling out.

[1822] And I go, oh, my God, Monica, if they just kept pulling up and he had no pants on and he was urinating but not touching his penis.

[1823] And they did this whole show just to have this pull out where a grown man is standing like a baby peeing.

[1824] I would just, it would have to go down in history is the greatest comedic moment of all the time.

[1825] And I just want to commit that much energy to tell a single joke.

[1826] It's a $25 million.

[1827] And then you just go right back.

[1828] to the drama.

[1829] Do you hear Dax got Sir Anthony Hopkins to be in his new movie?

[1830] It's called old man pissing.

[1831] They just keep pulling out.

[1832] You think it's going to reveal that he's about to get murdered?

[1833] No, he's just, he's just urinating on himself and he doesn't know why.

[1834] There's no explanation.

[1835] Speaking of urinating yourself, I will tell you this one story just because I know you've had a vasectomy.

[1836] Yeah.

[1837] I had one.

[1838] Oh, congratulations.

[1839] I just took the jocks strap off yesterday.

[1840] Oh, you just had one like three weeks ago.

[1841] Ah.

[1842] The worst thing.

[1843] You wore a jocks for three weeks after taking, you know?

[1844] I had to because when I did not, I get this horrible pain.

[1845] Oh.

[1846] But when you wear a jockstrap, it pulls everything up.

[1847] And I sit down to pee sometimes.

[1848] And I pee on my pole.

[1849] Oh, wow.

[1850] All over your testes.

[1851] I hear I had to take a shower because I'm a germ.

[1852] I, um, I got mine on a Wednesday.

[1853] Friday.

[1854] I was in another state filming a Samsung commercial jumping on a trampoline.

[1855] That's real.

[1856] Fucking.

[1857] Christ.

[1858] Yeah.

[1859] But so listen, I'm a recovering addict.

[1860] Yep.

[1861] And occasionally I get to take opiates.

[1862] My wife doles them out.

[1863] She gets the prescription and I get them.

[1864] You could cut my fingers off.

[1865] It's worth it.

[1866] So like whatever bad story you have, I'm like, all I know is that I was on a trampling jumping, but I was on parka set and it was worth it.

[1867] And I wish I could get a double vasectomy just so I could get more.

[1868] Reverse it and then take it away again.

[1869] Yeah.

[1870] But again, I just want to stipulate.

[1871] I turn those over immediately.

[1872] They are doled out to me by a sober person.

[1873] Yes.

[1874] Okay.

[1875] Well, Ike, it was such a pleasure having you.

[1876] I'm so glad you came in and did this very, very exciting, entertaining guests when you say my.

[1877] Oh, thank you guys so much.

[1878] And look forward to seeing the oath.

[1879] That's fucking awesome.

[1880] Yes, the oath, October 12th.

[1881] I guess I'm going to fly to L .A., though.

[1882] Where are you going to be?

[1883] L .A., yeah.

[1884] It's in L .A. I know I'm going to go from Burbank to L .A .X. If you want to.

[1885] Is there a flight from Burbank to L .X?

[1886] Probably not.

[1887] No. Of course not.

[1888] I mean, that's for that.

[1889] That's reserved for like, crazy.

[1890] Crazy millionaires.

[1891] Maybe occasionally.

[1892] But like, what's the thing is like, oh, shit, I'm on Victory Boulevard, but I got a meeting in Lederah Heights in an hour.

[1893] What do I do?

[1894] Yeah.

[1895] I'm not going to rule out, though, that a flight that left Taipei wasn't running out of fuel, got stuck in the holding pattern, had to set it down in Burbank for some more gas, and then took off and went back.

[1896] Oh, yeah.

[1897] Oh, there has been times.

[1898] Yes, it's happened.

[1899] But it's not a flight that you could buy.

[1900] First fly to Taipei.

[1901] Sure.

[1902] Grease the guy filling up the tank.

[1903] Hey, cut it short a little bit.

[1904] I want to make a stop in Burbank.

[1905] What are you talking about?

[1906] It's just a like it's a bucket list thing.

[1907] Don't worry about it.

[1908] Everyone's safe.

[1909] But just make it just enough so we barely get to Burbank.

[1910] Yeah, I want to come in on fumes.

[1911] I want to hear it sputtering as we fucking touch down.

[1912] Well, Ike, we started this in the driveway with a hug.

[1913] I'm landed with I love you.

[1914] Thanks for coming.

[1915] And please come back.

[1916] I love you guys.

[1917] Thank you so much.

[1918] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1919] I don't want no facts.

[1920] Facts are a man that can't get no love from me. Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride trying to holler at me. That was a good one.

[1921] Thank you.

[1922] It was like came up with it at the last second.

[1923] Ooh.

[1924] I love that song.

[1925] Scrubs.

[1926] No scrubs, yeah.

[1927] I don't want no scrub.

[1928] That's it.

[1929] Scrub is a man that can get no love from me. You're looking away?

[1930] No, I was thinking.

[1931] I was not looking away.

[1932] I was thinking about the lyrics.

[1933] Okay.

[1934] Our friend, we're friends.

[1935] We're lucky enough to be friends with Ira Glass.

[1936] And Ira Glass wants Monica to add some music to this to really punch up the production value of the fact check.

[1937] Is he ignoring the fact that we provide music?

[1938] He must be.

[1939] This fact check is full of music by Dax Shepherd.

[1940] Yeah, this doesn't check out.

[1941] I'm going to talk to him.

[1942] We'll figure it out.

[1943] Ike.

[1944] Ike.

[1945] Good old Ike.

[1946] tall guy super tall guy wide shoulders big man big man came into the attic yeah I feel like you get a little spooked when there's another tall guy in the attic you think so yeah I think I wouldn't call it spooked I definitely wake up like okay if this guy loses his shit to you it's like a pop out it's a pop out I got to be prepared I go this this person's a real threat to everyone in the room if they lose their marbles sure I'm always like a captain in a maritime law story, fable, where, you know, someone might go, they might get cabin fever.

[1947] Yeah, you're ready for someone to blow at all times.

[1948] Yes, and to contain them and then secure them.

[1949] That's the opposite of me. Because when I was little, when I was in bed and I knew that there was going to be a robber that came that night, for sure.

[1950] My plan or kidnapper, my plan was to try to make friends with them.

[1951] That's great.

[1952] So that they would not, because I have no, I couldn't fend for myself.

[1953] Well, that's the quality that I use.

[1954] Friendship.

[1955] Yeah, that's your superpower.

[1956] Yeah.

[1957] Do you think?

[1958] I don't think so.

[1959] No, that's not it.

[1960] We haven't quite isolated it.

[1961] I think it used to be more friendship than it is now.

[1962] Yeah, you're very social.

[1963] You have great social skills.

[1964] You can make friends with everybody.

[1965] I could.

[1966] I don't choose to anymore.

[1967] Right.

[1968] But I used to.

[1969] You've turned a page.

[1970] Because I, you know what, I was, I would always just, um, personality match.

[1971] Oh, interesting.

[1972] Like a miming exercise where you would mirror the person's interests and did you feel like a fraud sometimes?

[1973] No, until, until that just got exhausting.

[1974] Oh, right.

[1975] It was just too much.

[1976] So then I stopped and then I was just me. By then I already had, all my friends were already locked in.

[1977] So who cared?

[1978] Yeah, what were they going to do?

[1979] Yeah, were they going to do?

[1980] breakup.

[1981] I've never had an awkward breakup with a friend.

[1982] We've talked about this before.

[1983] You've never had one.

[1984] I've never had one.

[1985] That's fantastic.

[1986] Yeah.

[1987] Yeah.

[1988] All right.

[1989] Shall we begin?

[1990] Yeah.

[1991] You said Lake Okeechobee.

[1992] What a grape.

[1993] A name for a place.

[1994] Lake Okeechobee Florida is the fastest spreading SCD rate in the country or was.

[1995] Yeah, it was.

[1996] And I could not find any evidence of that.

[1997] You kind of.

[1998] I really couldn't.

[1999] I looked hard, but maybe not hard enough.

[2000] You can look later if you want.

[2001] Because I thought you said maybe it was an NPR article.

[2002] Yeah, I heard it.

[2003] My mother happened to weirdly hear it as well.

[2004] Because she and I have talked about it.

[2005] We heard the same thing.

[2006] I tried.

[2007] I really tried and I could not find it.

[2008] I don't know how well cataloged those radio episodes are in print.

[2009] You know, I don't know if you can really search them.

[2010] Yeah?

[2011] When I searched STD, sexually transmitted disease.

[2012] Venereal disease.

[2013] Lake Okeechobee.

[2014] You know, I found nothing.

[2015] Gonorrhea.

[2016] You are.

[2017] Pampaloma virus.

[2018] Chlamydia.

[2019] Herpes.

[2020] Symplex 1.

[2021] Symplex 2.

[2022] But, okay, as of August 2017, the city with the highest STD infection rate is St. Louis, Missouri.

[2023] That's a per capita thing, I have to assume, yeah.

[2024] Yeah.

[2025] Total numbers.

[2026] Really?

[2027] St. Louis.

[2028] And second is.

[2029] I might move there.

[2030] That sounds like a fun place to live.

[2031] No. No?

[2032] Why do you want an STD?

[2033] Well, because it means more sex, doesn't it?

[2034] Or just it means more unsafe sex?

[2035] Yeah, exactly.

[2036] All right.

[2037] Second is, what do you think it is?

[2038] Chicago.

[2039] No, but no. Detroit?

[2040] Same.

[2041] That's what I said.

[2042] Now, if Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Detroit, Cleveland, These are all pretty similar cities.

[2043] See, this is our argument about purity.

[2044] Pure.

[2045] You think it's all the same.

[2046] If you're from one place, you're pure to all those places, and it's not true.

[2047] No, I think that a lot of cities that were built on the industrial revolution that had a precipitous drop in employment, I think those cities seem to have some similar character.

[2048] And then the third is Montgomery, Alabama.

[2049] Oh, good.

[2050] You guys got one.

[2051] You got one in the south.

[2052] I was nervous for you there for a minute.

[2053] I was pretty sure that we were going to make it in the top three.

[2054] I didn't have any fear about that.

[2055] Hope I don't get sued by Lake Okeechobee.

[2056] I got to substantiate this claim that they had the fastest spreading.

[2057] STD rate at one point.

[2058] The Instagram account of jocks in tight pants is called football jockstraw apps.

[2059] Oh, wait, say it again because I don't think it was clear.

[2060] Because I started to say something else.

[2061] Football jock straps.

[2062] Football jock straps.

[2063] That's the Instagram account.

[2064] It's a great place to check out penises and buns and abs on guys.

[2065] Yeah, you often send me some cute kid.

[2066] Basically, you're in my circle of people.

[2067] It kind of goes between Cameron, Jess, and I. Two gay men and then you.

[2068] Cameron gets these.

[2069] I think he's the one who introduced me to it.

[2070] Oh, my God.

[2071] Yeah.

[2072] Isn't that great?

[2073] Yeah.

[2074] And do you want to tell the listeners about your Olympic?

[2075] Sure.

[2076] Well, I think it was one of our.

[2077] great bonding experiences and really where Nate came to appreciate your genius.

[2078] Because remember the three of us, we were on a text chain during the Olympics.

[2079] It all really started with Nate and I being roommates for a few years.

[2080] And we, it started by watching football.

[2081] And some of these guys, we started realizing they're not wearing cups.

[2082] I'm seeing the penises flop around during plays.

[2083] Seeing the full penis.

[2084] Yeah.

[2085] I'm seeing the meatas and the shaft and all the different parts of the penis.

[2086] They're very visible.

[2087] And then we sat down for the same.

[2088] Summer Olympics and a lot of these sprinters, they don't appear to be wearing any underwear because sometimes the penis goes all the way from the left side leg of the spandex.

[2089] It bounces up in the air and then lands in the right leg of the spandex.

[2090] They're running so fast.

[2091] They are.

[2092] Anything in between their legs doesn't have a shot in hell.

[2093] They're just along for the ride.

[2094] And sometimes the penises are, some of them are pretty prominent and they're big penises and they're really flopping around.

[2095] But at any rate, every year come, not every year, every four years come summer Olympics, there's a tremendous amount of file sharing between you, Nate, myself, and then a few other people we've enlisted.

[2096] Ryan enjoys it.

[2097] It's great because we're all kind of aggregating now.

[2098] And you can't catch all the penises and all these shots.

[2099] But if you've got a lot of eyes on there, you can get a good way.

[2100] So I have, and you know what's really interesting.

[2101] I got myself in a little bit of a precarious situation with my computer broke during chips and remember aiming my assistant she was kind of tasked with getting my computer backed up onto a new computer blah blah blah at any rate what did it the first thing that came up was my of just a folder of all penis shots from the Olympics that you had sent that Nate had sent and you know I had to then I felt like it definitely needed an explanation.

[2102] I have all these penis pictures on my thing.

[2103] Oh, well, we always are looking for these on the other.

[2104] It didn't make it better.

[2105] And it just kept getting worse and worse and worse.

[2106] It got worse and worse and then I literally went home that night and I was like, I can hear this conversation being read back to me in a court transcript.

[2107] It's going to sound so different.

[2108] And I had to text her and go, I just want to say, I'm very sorry if that made you uncomfortable.

[2109] My apologies, blah, blah, blah.

[2110] She said, if anything, I certainly like working for you more knowing that you're collecting all those photos.

[2111] So it turned out okay, but I did have a moment of panic on my ride home of like, this is dicey.

[2112] Working for a big corporation showing my assistant a bunch of penis pictures.

[2113] Well, let's just be clear.

[2114] No, they're in clothes, but you can just see them very prominently.

[2115] So prominently that I feel like.

[2116] They might as well not be wearing.

[2117] Or that you'd even know less about their penis if you saw the bare penis.

[2118] That's true.

[2119] The outline is somehow even more distinguished than just.

[2120] There's an incredible flash.

[2121] Do you remember any of them specifically?

[2122] Because one is there's a metal ceremony where the guy in first or second place on the podium has a full erection.

[2123] He has a straight up and down erection in his singlet.

[2124] It is so wild.

[2125] I'm such a mix of emotions when I see it because I think, oh, that guy was so happy.

[2126] So happy.

[2127] That he became erect.

[2128] And then he gets self -conscious.

[2129] I've only had this a couple times.

[2130] I have had erections that were not sexually related, but they were excitement -related.

[2131] Really?

[2132] Yes.

[2133] I wanted a spree moped so bad when I was 12 years old.

[2134] And I had no shot of getting one.

[2135] My mom was fucking broke.

[2136] And my dad just didn't buy me shit.

[2137] How much are they?

[2138] At the time, I think they were $800.

[2139] Wow.

[2140] In 1987, there's no way I was getting one.

[2141] And I was at my dad's for the week.

[2142] weekend and he said, do you want to go up to Anderson Honda and look at those things?

[2143] And I was like, I was so excited just to go look at him.

[2144] And I go, yeah.

[2145] And he goes, if you clean the garage, I'll take you up there and we can look at him.

[2146] I ran out to the garage to clean it and there was a fucking spree in the garage.

[2147] Yes.

[2148] I was, I mean, to this day, I can't remember being more excited.

[2149] And I got on it and I just started driving around the neighborhood and I had a throbbing boner the whole time I operated the moped I bet for 45 minutes I was like engorged could you even ride it it was uncomfortable but I was working through it because I had to keep riding but yeah I just had this raging boner about riding the moped wow isn't that something I cannot play I've never heard that story what a sweet story yeah I said I talk so bad about my dad on here I always I always feel bet afterwards because there were a million beautiful things about my dad and really probably anything you like about me comes from him I mean I'm a carbon copy of him so I'm gonna try to you know what I do think it's like yeah yeah because I go home and I always feel bad that I talk bad about him on here and I think oh the people that know me that know him they must think I'm an asshole it just so happens that we're generally talking on here about things we've overcome or dealt with and so that is always the light in which I'm talking about him but yes There's so many other things.

[2150] One of them being he did that.

[2151] That's really sweet.

[2152] Yeah.

[2153] It's okay for you to talk about the things that hurt you, too.

[2154] Yeah, but not giving the fairest picture of him.

[2155] There was also many situations.

[2156] But I don't know that you need to be super concerned about that.

[2157] It's okay.

[2158] Okay.

[2159] Okay.

[2160] It was black with purple.

[2161] It said spree and purple.

[2162] Okay.

[2163] I'm a little nervous because, you know, Jim Balloo, she comes up and during the movie game, which is a game we should play, because that sounds fun.

[2164] And I couldn't name a movie he was in.

[2165] And that's embarrassing.

[2166] But I still can't.

[2167] Like, it's not like I was on the spot and I couldn't think of one.

[2168] I do not know.

[2169] You've not seen Animal House?

[2170] I have not.

[2171] Blues Brothers.

[2172] Have not.

[2173] Well, in your defense, he had a short window.

[2174] I mean, he died.

[2175] Exactly.

[2176] Right as he was gaining momentum.

[2177] And it was before, it was a little bit before my time and I have a big hole in my movie.

[2178] arsenal he's in the only failure of early spielberg's career they did a movie called nineteen forty two or nineteen forty five and that was the only spielberg movie that didn't work yeah um oh wait no but it was jim balushi not john balushi oh but we were talking about jim balushi oh which is his brother of why i still don't know oh well no jim balushi you went no jim Belushi was in, like, he, I guess is, oh, God, I just wasted all of our time on John Belushi.

[2179] Yeah, Jim Belushi is John Belushi's brother.

[2180] And he was a very bit player.

[2181] But then he had a sitcom that ran forever that was huge called, according to Jim.

[2182] Oh, right.

[2183] And he, like, smoke cigars on it and stuff, I guess.

[2184] And they were both on SNL, right?

[2185] No. Oh, just John.

[2186] Jim was not, no. Oh, God.

[2187] Well, anyway, I don't know.

[2188] So, yeah, you would never be able to name a Jim Belushi movie.

[2189] I don't think he did one where he's a cop too I can't remember got it yeah I guess that's the point of the game you're trying to see you're you are kind of trying to trick people yeah yeah good trick really great trick all right is there a genetic relationship to Judaism in a lack of addiction oh so this is just one study has shown that a genetic mutation carried by at least a fifth of Jewish people appeared to protect against alcoholism.

[2190] The same inherited trait is fairly common in Asian people, but is much rare in white Europeans.

[2191] The findings could help explain why Israel has one of the lowest levels of alcoholism in the developed world.

[2192] That's interesting.

[2193] Well, what is always tricky when you're talking about Jewish people is there's Israelis and then there's the diaspora.

[2194] So Russian Jews, I'm sure Russian Jews have the same rate of alcoholism as any other Russians.

[2195] Genetically Russian people who convert.

[2196] Oh, converts probably are, yeah, not.

[2197] And so many of the Jewish folks in L .A. and New York are Russian Jewish folks.

[2198] So they're not going to, yeah.

[2199] And this is a big debate even within anthropology.

[2200] So there is a Jewish ethnicity.

[2201] Right.

[2202] And a lot of the criteria is met by the definition of ethnicity.

[2203] Yet there is a big biological diversity among them.

[2204] So you can't really call them a race.

[2205] Because race is a wholly incomplete categorization of people.

[2206] people.

[2207] To me, race is ethnicity.

[2208] Yeah, it's not.

[2209] Just in scientific terms.

[2210] Because ethnicity is common ancestry, shared language, usually shared religion.

[2211] There's several criteria for ethnicity.

[2212] Race is black, white.

[2213] And that doesn't account for anything that happens within the continent of Africa.

[2214] There's so much biodiversity, genetic diversity within African populations, there are African populations that have more in common with Irish people genetically than they do with other populations within Africa.

[2215] So just the category of race is really, it really amounts to just skin color, which is a couple of alleles.

[2216] We've talked about this with someone else, too.

[2217] Well, anyway, Jewish, Jewish ethnicity, this is probably speaking more to Jewish ethnicity than Jewish religion.

[2218] Yeah.

[2219] Because even, let's just, here's another.

[2220] example of the ethnicity.

[2221] So even like within the Russian population, they wouldn't call Russians an ethnicity, but they call Slavics an ethnicity because it has a shared ancestry and a shared tongue, even though these Ukrainian and Russian are different or these different language.

[2222] They're all Slavic, right?

[2223] And then you have Celtic as an ethnicity.

[2224] And then you have Anglo as an ethnicity.

[2225] So a lot of it's determined by language and shared ethnicity.

[2226] Got it.

[2227] That's why I refuse to call you Asian because we would not, anthropologically, we would not call Indians Asian.

[2228] Right, but it's a geographical distinction.

[2229] But like on tests and stuff, on like standardized tests, when you have to fill in your ethnicity on any of those things, you have to, you know, you can do whatever you want.

[2230] But Indians like put Asian.

[2231] Right.

[2232] Because that's the closest.

[2233] That's what it, that you are.

[2234] you're technically in Asia.

[2235] Sometimes they have a more specified options.

[2236] Do you like that when you can?

[2237] Yeah.

[2238] Yeah.

[2239] I don't like, I don't like feeling like, I don't know.

[2240] Anyway.

[2241] Okay.

[2242] You said there's a huge population of Chaldeans in Michigan.

[2243] Mm -hmm.

[2244] Metro Detroit has the world's largest population outside of Iraq with an estimated 121 ,000 people.

[2245] Another 150 ,000 Chaldeans reside throughout the United States, particularly in Chicago, San Diego, and Phoenix areas.

[2246] Yeah, San Diego is the other big pocket I was aware of.

[2247] I didn't really Chicago.

[2248] Chicago and Phoenix.

[2249] Okay, Foster's Island Principle.

[2250] This was new information to me. It's very cool.

[2251] It's called Foster's Rule or Island Rule.

[2252] Okay.

[2253] Or Island Effect.

[2254] Yeah.

[2255] I learned it as Foster's.

[2256] island principle, which kind of combines all those things.

[2257] It does combine all of those things.

[2258] Rule in evolutionary biology stating that members of a species get smaller or bigger depending on the resources available in the environment.

[2259] So for mammals, there are limited resources, so it's advantageous to be smaller and need less calories.

[2260] For birds, it's all about having predators.

[2261] So what keeps birds small is that they can remain fast and evade predation.

[2262] But on an island with no predators, they no longer need to fly and the bigger they get the more sexual access they'll have with the females sexy access as I call it for example it's known that the pygmy mammoths evolved from normal mammoths on small islands similar evolution love to have a pygmy mammoth like when they talk about Jurassic Park and bringing back a T -Rex fuck that I want a little like St. Bernard's size pygmy mammoth in my house with like many big tusks I would I would love it.

[2263] You know I love miniature stuff.

[2264] Minature trains.

[2265] I like miniature stuff too.

[2266] Remember one time we talked about having a tiny, a miniature brown bear?

[2267] Oh, that would be great too.

[2268] Yeah, and they're mean.

[2269] Yeah, but they're small.

[2270] Yeah.

[2271] Yeah.

[2272] What do you think the ideal size for a Delta size?

[2273] Delta size?

[2274] Yeah, which is about.

[2275] So smaller than a raccoon, around a raccoon size, I guess.

[2276] Well, isn't a raccoon a miniature bear?

[2277] We wouldn't want one of those in the house.

[2278] He doesn't look cute.

[2279] Sorry raccoons, but I, I, no, and they have to be able to stand up.

[2280] Stand up.

[2281] Yeah, sorry all of our raccoon arm cherries.

[2282] Didn't mean to offend you.

[2283] What if some person who was listened in their kitchen all the time to armchair expert and they had their window open and they noticed one day that there was always a raccoon sitting on the, on the gutter, just trying to peek its little ear in to hear what was happening.

[2284] Wouldn't that be great?

[2285] Yeah.

[2286] I'd love to have that raccoon at.

[2287] of the live shows.

[2288] Everyone could shake its hand and everything.

[2289] Oh.

[2290] Put her or him in a little shirt.

[2291] Armchair shirt.

[2292] Oh, my God.

[2293] But if we had a little bear there, it'd be even better.

[2294] Oh, it'd be really exciting.

[2295] In a little, in a little, um, holding our mug, drinking out of our mugs.

[2296] Oh, yeah.

[2297] Like Bart the bear, put coffee in it.

[2298] And he would stand up.

[2299] All the time?

[2300] Yeah.

[2301] Okay.

[2302] So a teddy bear.

[2303] Yeah.

[2304] But mean.

[2305] Oh, okay.

[2306] I like it when they're mean.

[2307] Okay, yeah.

[2308] So he proposed the simple explanation that smaller creatures get larger when predation pressure is relaxed because of the absence of some of the predators on the mainland.

[2309] Which you just said.

[2310] And larger creatures become smaller when food resources are limited because of the land area constraints.

[2311] Good job.

[2312] You pretty much said that exact thing.

[2313] Oh, thank you.

[2314] Okay.

[2315] I learned it 20 years ago.

[2316] Congratulations.

[2317] You remember.

[2318] Who voiced the bird in Madagascar?

[2319] Okay, I don't think there's a bird in Madagascar from what I could tell.

[2320] There are some penguins.

[2321] Maybe he was thinking of Rio.

[2322] Perhaps, yeah.

[2323] Unless, I mean, maybe I'm wrong and people will for sure say.

[2324] Well, the problem is there's like 10 Madagascars, aren't there?

[2325] Yeah, but I would just look at Madagascar one.

[2326] And Chris Rock is the zebra.

[2327] Oh, he is?

[2328] Yeah.

[2329] Okay, good.

[2330] um rossin comes up rosson thurber um and i wanted to bring up that he created ryan's show ryan hanson solves crimes on television because i hung out with ryan uh last weekend a party a gender reveal party actually he's Sean and Leandra congratulations close friend Sean and Leander I'll go a step further y 'all I'm on an episode this year that Rosson directed that's right You're in this season And doing my favorite thing, riding dirt bikes Yeah, and doing something else you like to do that I won't spoil Oh yeah, you're right, you're right And our friend Jess is also in this season And Leandra who has a big congratulations Wow Anyway, watch Ryan Hanson Salsh guys on television Yeah The Blockade Runner Hotel That's the hotel that Ike stayed at when he was shooting.

[2331] Or in the South.

[2332] Yeah.

[2333] And I tried calling them to ask why it was called Blockade Runner Hotel, but they didn't answer.

[2334] They didn't answer.

[2335] What kind of hotel was an answer?

[2336] I know.

[2337] I'm sorry, but yeah, it wasn't very good service.

[2338] Blockade Runner Beach Resort in Ritesville Beach, North Carolina.

[2339] A Blockade Runner is usually a lighter -weight ship used for evading a naval blockade of a port or straight as opposed to confronting the blockader's to break the blockade.

[2340] So it's skinny.

[2341] It's very skinny and narrow.

[2342] And the hotel is pretty skinny and narrow.

[2343] Oh, that's great.

[2344] So that's probably why.

[2345] That's wonderful.

[2346] Yesterday.

[2347] Whatever.

[2348] They should still be doing their jobs.

[2349] No excuse.

[2350] Transfer your calls to higher ground.

[2351] Rob just pointed out that they probably weren't answering.

[2352] because of the...

[2353] They're in the middle of a hurricane.

[2354] Yeah.

[2355] We got to be careful about this.

[2356] We're in our privilege, California.

[2357] And we can't even really talk about it because right now as of Friday, we're three days away from this coming out.

[2358] Yeah.

[2359] It could be terrible.

[2360] It could be the most devastating thing ever.

[2361] And we would be so like cavalier about it.

[2362] So maybe we should, maybe we should, let's record two versions of this.

[2363] One is like, oh my God.

[2364] I tried to call the blockade.

[2365] Hold on.

[2366] Thank God they didn't answer.

[2367] Oh my God.

[2368] Because if they were trapped in there, if they were there, they must have been that way happened.

[2369] I'm so glad they didn't answer.

[2370] Okay, that's one version.

[2371] That's where shit went sideways.

[2372] Right, right, right.

[2373] Now this one is like, it never even made landfall.

[2374] I was like, well, these fuckers, I called the hotel either day.

[2375] They're not even there.

[2376] They ran a week ago.

[2377] They were so scared of the hurricane.

[2378] There was nothing, didn't even make landfall.

[2379] Use it as an excuse.

[2380] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[2381] So there, you have both versions.

[2382] Yeah.

[2383] And both were really sincere.

[2384] Mm -hmm.

[2385] Okay, well, you talk about devil in the white city, and that, we talk about that during Joel McHale's fact check.

[2386] I'm sorry to say this.

[2387] For real, we talked about that during the Joel McHale fact check.

[2388] Sorry, guys.

[2389] Is there a flight from Burbank to LAX?

[2390] No. No, there's not.

[2391] But I wish you would have found out if anyone's had to pop in for five gallons of fuel.

[2392] I didn't know who to call for that.

[2393] Yeah, who do you call?

[2394] Not the blockade.

[2395] hotel.

[2396] No, they're lazy or being really smart.

[2397] Yeah, one of the two.

[2398] They're either heroes or cowards.

[2399] That's it.

[2400] That's it?

[2401] Yeah.

[2402] Okay, I want more.

[2403] But we like Icon.

[2404] We could have him back in a hot second.

[2405] Yeah, he was fun.

[2406] You know, I knew I liked him.

[2407] Because I love the Mindy project.

[2408] And that's all.

[2409] I just knew it.

[2410] I'm just bragging.

[2411] Yeah.

[2412] Yeah, I had seen less of than you had.

[2413] Yeah.

[2414] And now you want to see him every day.

[2415] I want to see him run the 40 in a tight spandex.

[2416] Oh, you want a picture.

[2417] See what's going on.

[2418] Yeah.

[2419] Kind of bounce we got.

[2420] I'd see a picture.

[2421] You would, right?

[2422] Yeah.

[2423] Well, it's what I like about you is that you're generally interested in seeing male genitalia, which is rare.

[2424] I don't know that it's the normative thing.

[2425] So when someone does enjoy it, it's great.

[2426] because I just, I love those photos, you know, I just think it's such a silly looking thing.

[2427] It's so funny, especially if it's bouncing to and fro and a record setting sprint to 100 meters.

[2428] I don't want to embarrass him, but Hussein Bolt, just a bunch of junk down there.

[2429] It's so stimulating to watch because, hey, he's so much faster than everyone.

[2430] It's the only event in the Olympics Where it's like a fucking runaway Like he's so good It's bonkers Yeah Other than he Sean White's the only other person Where it's like The gap between first and second It's so huge Although in this last Olympics I feel like the gap I mean he's still one Oh with Sean Yeah Yeah it wasn't as big But boy remember we We got choked up It was exciting Yeah I love the Olympics Me too I wish it was again I wish we could move somewhere where the Olympics were every year, but that doesn't exist because it's a global thing.

[2431] We can make our own Olympics in the backyard.

[2432] I guess we're a year out.

[2433] So we didn't have it this summer.

[2434] So I'm imagining we have it next summer.

[2435] No, it's every four years.

[2436] I know, but we had winter Olympics.

[2437] Oh, last year.

[2438] Yeah, last.

[2439] So now they come every two years.

[2440] Right.

[2441] So 2000.

[2442] Oh, it's 2020.

[2443] Is it here?

[2444] No, that's next year.

[2445] Oh, I got to move out of this.

[2446] city before that happens.

[2447] No, I'm excited.

[2448] Well, now that I ride a road bike, maybe I'll still, I can get around.

[2449] What events are you going to go to?

[2450] Well, all the penis ones, you know, sprinting, hurtling.

[2451] Nate's got a whole theory about your thighs.

[2452] Like you're pushing so much blood through your thighs and that you're sending so much blood to the region that it just can't help it engorge.

[2453] Can I tell one quick story?

[2454] Yeah.

[2455] I went with my friend Joya to this bodybuilding contest.

[2456] It was amateur.

[2457] So there were guys up there that were, you know, 70 pounds overweight that were a good biceps.

[2458] So they were doing it.

[2459] It was great.

[2460] I loved it.

[2461] And one of the guys had a raging erection through all of his poses.

[2462] And I kind of made sense.

[2463] Like he was just squeezing blood into every single muscle.

[2464] And he was fully engorged and just posing.

[2465] I thought, how liberating for him to stand up there and just go, fuck do I quit no I just got to embrace this I'm hard as a rock and I'm gonna keep posing you have to cross a threshold you know what I'm saying you gotta go like well I have two options walk off this stage embarrassed or just keep flexing and own this erection do you really think anyone's embarrassed I would be humiliated to be on stage with a full -blown erection I would feel so weird about it I don't I mean maybe you but no mid mid mid mid posing like through his routine he became engorge during the routine and so he was either going to have to leave the stage and not finish his routine or just go you know what I got to own this boner and keep flexing and he chose the ladder and I applauded it yeah so happy it gave all of us such a charge because we're all aware of it you're trying to be polite and act like you're not aware of it but we are aware of it there's like we're really sharing an experience good for him and us some community experience yeah it was great all right i adore you and love you i love you follow armchair expert on the wondery app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondry plus in the wondry app or on apple podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry dot com slash survey