Motivate Your Child, Stop Negativity & Sibling Fights

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[22] So do you parent teens and toddlers and everything in between the same way?

[23] My answer is yes and no. because the same principles will apply.

[24] And many of the same issues that a 15 -year -old is going through are very much the same issues that a 5 -year -old is going through.

[25] It's just that the application of the strategies is going to be different.

[26] And so on this podcast, we're going to go through some different strategies for kids who are stuck on screens, who fight with their siblings, who are negative, who argue back with their parents, because that's not limited by age, right?

[27] Like for some of you, that's starting with a three -year -old, some of you at your eight or nine -year -old or 11 -year -old or 14 - or 17 -year -old.

[28] And so, anyway, that's what we're going to deal with today on the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[29] Thank you for joining us.

[30] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[31] I'm kind of winging this a little bit because I had something planned for today, and then we got an email from a nice couple, and they said, hey, my husband and I are enjoying your podcast.

[32] podcast, and we just have a few questions.

[33] And there are a lot of questions, actually.

[34] And so I thought, if I try to write this mom back, it's going to take me like six hours.

[35] In fact, it would probably take me like 30 hours because what she gets at in this.

[36] So let me read you the questions.

[37] And what I decided was, I'm going to try to answer these kind of very quickly.

[38] And thoroughly at the same time, but to give you an idea of how to handle the situations, but why I said that caveat up front is, it doesn't matter what the age is.

[39] The application will be different, but the principles and what's really going on inside the child are very much the same.

[40] So let me do a spitfire kind of thing of this, of how do you navigate a teen who loves gaming more than anything?

[41] How do you navigate sibling rivalry, unkindness, bickering, struggling to cheer the other siblings on.

[42] By the way, they're not going to cheer each other on.

[43] Tell me when normal siblings do that.

[44] Maybe you did that because you're a people pleaser and you're very sweet, but most of them don't.

[45] A child who rolls eyes, sighs, talks back, who calls other kids names, dumb, stupid, right?

[46] Who's negative all day long puts people down, negative comments, negative jokes, an eight -year -old who interjects himself into the situation instead of, right, instead of being, supportive, how do we teach them to be kind?

[47] Co -parenting, different parenting styles, fights between spouses regarding a child who is difficult, manipulative, or feisty, right?

[48] That's why many of you started listening to this podcast and found celebrate calm is because you don't agree with your spouse.

[49] Again, really, really normal because I guarantee you as you listen, one of you, probably the husband is thinking, well, if my wife wasn't so soft and let the kids get away with things and just was a little bit tougher with the kids, they wouldn't be doing these things because when I was a kid, we didn't do this stuff because our parents were tough with us, right?

[50] Well, there were a lot of differences between the eras and the parents, and I guarantee the wife is kind of like, well, you know, you know what I really miss?

[51] I miss my husband going away on business trips because things were a lot smoother when he wasn't around so much and I could kind of manage everything.

[52] And my husband kind of incites everything.

[53] and escalates.

[54] All that stuff is very, very normal and it goes on.

[55] But just because it's normal doesn't mean it has to stay static and that you need to stay there.

[56] Because look, if you don't mind, I'm just going to roll with what comes into my mind.

[57] And I may delete this whole thing.

[58] I may keep it, but just roll with me because when I roll with stuff, sometimes really good stuff comes out.

[59] Look, when you had kids, you didn't sign up for all of this because nobody was honest with you and told you that human relationships are extremely difficult.

[60] Oh, well, we came from a dysfunctional family.

[61] Well, who didn't?

[62] Everybody's dysfunctional because everybody is flawed.

[63] And if you're really honest, and the older you get, you'll realize you're not just flawed.

[64] You're a really broken person.

[65] Oh, no, I've got everything together.

[66] No, that's just a sign of delusion.

[67] That's called being a man, which I did for me. I don't have an anger issue.

[68] Right?

[69] No, you don't.

[70] it means you have probably zero self -awareness if you think it's not your issue.

[71] The sign of maturity is, oh, yeah, that's probably something inside of me that's triggering in this situation.

[72] Even though I've done a ton of therapy, done a ton of work, worked really hard on myself for over a decade now, I find in all of my relationships, whether it's with spouse, child, in -laws, niece, nephew, my brothers, sisters -in -law, I find when I'm having an issue, if I am honest and not trying to score points or feel judgmental or like it's better than them or with friends or just people that I meet, I find if I look honestly within myself, there's something immature in myself.

[73] There's probably something from my childhood, something from the way I was raised, some kind of rejection, something from my father mostly, right?

[74] But there's some things from my mom, and I love you, mom.

[75] are some things there.

[76] It's within me. And the beautiful part of what I like to teach is that there's no blame or guilt.

[77] It's not like, I'm a horrible person and I just cause all this dysfunction.

[78] No, I'm not a 90s grunge band singer because if you listen, when I'm doing my home workouts now, I listen to a lot of 90s grunge stuff.

[79] One, because I like the energy, but if you listen to all the songs, it's sad because many of those singers and the leaders of those bands have gone on to commit suicide, and there's a lot of deep pain within those guys, a lot of dysfunction, a lot of pain, so much so that they killed themselves.

[80] It's like, oh, well, they were weak.

[81] Well, you try living with some of that pain, and maybe with two parents who didn't understand you and see what happens to you.

[82] The older you go, the more compassionate you get because you realize you are a really fouled up person, right, who's capable of anything, given a couple wrong turns and a couple things going on with you outside of your control.

[83] And so you hear a lot of self -hatred in those guys when they're singing those songs.

[84] That guy, lead singer from Stained, I mean, his songs are all about how he, and he uses the word, F's up all of his relationships.

[85] And so this isn't about self -hatred.

[86] It's just about an honest, honest humility of, yeah, I probably had something to do with that relationship getting messed up.

[87] And so the beautiful part of that humility and honesty is, until you admit that and deal with it, nothing can be healed.

[88] And then you'll just be like we do in all of our politics.

[89] Well, it's just their side.

[90] Their side does it and they don't do.

[91] Well, no, that's why things don't get fixed.

[92] It's not because the, watch, it's not because the other side is wrong.

[93] it's because my side is not showing a little humility and saying, yeah, I do believe the other side is wrong and has some changing to do.

[94] But if we really want to fix this issue and fill in the blank, maybe we need to look inside and start working on ourselves.

[95] See, that's why it's not going to change.

[96] Look, you're never going to get an entire group of people or individuals to say, hey you know what you've been you've been harping on this and complaining about this and casting judgment on our side because we were wrong on this for years and now i've just realized you're right like it's just not going to happen until you say you know i'm part of the issue in this relationship so i'm glad that strong -willed kids cause discord in marriages you know why because if that strong -willed child didn't come around you would have just floated by and all of your resentments and all of these things that have built up over the years, over the decade or so, and nothing would have changes and you'd stay a stale, miserable human being.

[97] True?

[98] That's not a judgment on you.

[99] That's what we are.

[100] This strong -willed child came along, and now all of a sudden it's like, well, now I'm not getting along so well with my spouse.

[101] And so it's bringing up all of these things from in each of you.

[102] it is a tremendous opportunity if you will have the maturity and the strength to face it head on and say you know what it's not just my spouse i'm causing some of this you have an opportunity one aside from your marriage aside from your family you have an amazing opportunity to grow leaps and bounds as a human being and finally take on the world and face your everyday life as a mature, humble human being who is capable of different things, who is capable of getting along with people who are difficult, who is capable finding contentment and happiness in difficult circumstances and it has nothing at all to do with politics or your spouse or your challenging difficult child you can change yourself and even if nothing else changes you're a new human being do you know how powerful that is it is why i'm grateful that that relationships are difficult because otherwise i would still be an immature 54 year old who's not capable of handling relationships at all and it and casey our strong will child forced us forced us forced us into difficult discussions.

[103] And I'll say this because I'm just saying this.

[104] I didn't know where this was going to go.

[105] We have a marriage program.

[106] It's called Calm Couples Marriage Program.

[107] And I created this so you could do it at home, right from your home.

[108] It's what we do with everything else.

[109] Very simple truths, deep insights.

[110] It requires honesty.

[111] But there's simple action steps, simple action steps.

[112] And the reason I did it from home is because most men won't go to marriage.

[113] therapy.

[114] Because when I went to marriage therapy, it was a horrible experience.

[115] Worth it because we found a really good guy who did it.

[116] But man, that is a hard thing to do as a guy because it feels like the therapist and your wife is teaming up on you and we get defensive.

[117] And it's just hard.

[118] But when you can go through this yourself and you can really wrestle with things without having two people staring at you, waiting for you to answer.

[119] are a hard question, and I've been through this on podcast before, how I just didn't know how to do stuff.

[120] And now my wife and a therapist are looking at me, and I'm like, I don't know what to do or say.

[121] And I remember crying and asking the therapist, look, you got to tell me what to do.

[122] I don't know.

[123] I'm basically a little kid at heart who never really grew up because of the way that my father was and whatever it was.

[124] I'm not blaming my dad for it.

[125] But we're just, little boys and then you get into life and then I was I could work hard and I worked and I worked and I worked and I built my corporate career and then I built this business.

[126] I can do that because that just requires internal fortitude.

[127] But internal fortitude and hard work doesn't change relationships.

[128] That requires some skills.

[129] And so we have that program and we have a part of the get everything package and it's so overlooked because look you can get the over the entire everything we've created for i forget what it is like 70 % off it's like 249 dollars and in that is this marriage program which i didn't plan on saying this but i mean if you go to marriage therapy you're talking thousands of dollars if you want to do it right because it's going to take a long time and i'm not discounting that but for 249 dollars as a little piece of like 12 programs you get an entire marriage thing which to be honest could save your marriage which will save you tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees and for many of you tens or hundreds of thousands in splitting your assets besides the emotional turmoil so if i had one thing to say it would be just do it why are you well we don't have time i don't want to do that nobody wants to do the marriage well let's just talk about the kids the kids probably aren't the issue what like sorry for this but do you think you're going to fix the kids in the situation when mom and debt look the two grown -ups in the home can't even have a difficult discussion without getting upset and defensive at each other true and that's why you don't have them and that's why you have all that resentment built up true the resentments are built up well and that's why you talk to your friends or your girlfriends or whoever about your spouse and you bury it and your sister you know you talk to your brothers and sisters and sister -in -law even about all of it and it gets shuffled in and it's like oh well we want to change our family we want to change our kids but we're not really willing to do the hard work that it takes to change ourselves it's like well what do you what are you doing like what how does that make sense well but i just don't have you got to do it and why not do it i promise you look here's what i can't promise you i can't promise you that your spouse is going to work as hard as you at it or that they're going to take it serious.

[130] I can't, I can't promise this.

[131] But I can promise you this.

[132] If you go through this marriage program or you go through therapy yourself, I don't care what you do.

[133] But if you do it, you will become a new person.

[134] I can promise you that.

[135] And that was my whole guiding philosophy behind creating this program is, I can't guarantee that I'm going to save your family or your marriage, but I can guarantee you, you will become a new person so that if it doesn't work out and then you have another family someday or another marriage at least you'll be grown up and you won't mess that one up either but i believe that if you go through it together that you can create something new and that that will change your child's here's the hard part about this email is well i've got two adults who are disagreeing over things and there are a lot of there's a lot of stuff going on in the family.

[136] So it's like, well, well, don't skip that main thing and then hope that like all the other discord, well, how do we get two siblings to get along together?

[137] Well, but you're not modeling for them how two grown adults can handle difficulty, right?

[138] Like, well, we want the kids to be supportive of each other.

[139] But you're not necessarily being supportive each other as adults.

[140] And so one of the final questions was like, how do we help our kids be grateful in an ungrateful and titled world.

[141] And the answer to that one is very simple.

[142] It is to model it in your everyday life.

[143] If you and your spouse, or just your spouse walks around like, oh, I can't believe that they're doing this, and they're not grateful, and they seem entitled, well, your kids are going to grow up like that.

[144] But you're growing up in a home where you're grateful for things.

[145] And you treat other people, look, how do you get your kids to be compassionate?

[146] Let them see you being compassionate how what how do you talk about your political opponents in front of your children what you talk about them because they hate america or they this and they're like kids we need to be we need to be kind to other people and understanding of their feelings well but i hear you all the time kind of cursing other people whose sin in life is not believing the same thing as you but now you want me to be kind and supportive and patient with my classmates or my sibling, but I don't agree with them.

[147] Like, how does that work?

[148] Right?

[149] And so, look, a lot of this is very hard, and a lot of it is simple, not easy, but simple.

[150] Because if I want a compassionate child, I just raise them in a home where I'm having compassion.

[151] And they see me allowing other people to cut in front of me at the grocery store or in traffic and when I stay at a hotel I leave a tip for the person who cleans my room and I'm gracious toward servers and people who wait on me instead of being demanding and they watch in every interaction as I go through my life and they see me sacrificing and giving money to charity or volunteering my time and saying no we're going to give up one nice meal a month and we're going to take that money instead we're going to buy a nice meal for someone who doesn't have it right like that like you don't lecture your kids into being compassionate right like kids let's have let's have a family meeting about being compassionate well like what's that going to what does that mean when they just look at you and listen to you every day and again there's no blame and no guilt and everything that we do if you've messed up in that area we'll take a first step which is guys listen we need to apologize to you because we're trying to raise you in his home where we're compassionate and merciful kind to other people and understanding you.

[152] of people who are different from us.

[153] But man, what you hear every day is us talking really poorly and judging the motives of other people that we don't even know personally.

[154] We just start putting them in a group.

[155] And this applies to both sides.

[156] This is human nature stuff, right?

[157] It's nothing new.

[158] So a couple other ones they did.

[159] Sorry for getting off track, but I told you I was just going to kind of roll with this and I'm going to let Casey listen to it and see what he thinks.

[160] and if he likes it, we'll go with it.

[161] If not, I'll do another version of it because we want to help people with this.

[162] But I hope you find this helpful.

[163] And it's going to be a little bit longer, but man, we're going to get to some stuff.

[164] How to help build leadership, confidence in a strong -willed child?

[165] Okay, we can do that.

[166] Normal teen reactions.

[167] How about normal toddler reactions?

[168] Are they really any different?

[169] Be honest.

[170] Teenager, you need to do your chores.

[171] oh, hey toddler, pick up your toys.

[172] I didn't make the match.

[173] She made it.

[174] Like, isn't really any different?

[175] Not really, right?

[176] Your application is going to be different, but it's not really that different.

[177] Sibling rivalry versus when it goes too far, how to be grateful.

[178] So, let me hit as much as I can.

[179] Let me check my little timestamp here.

[180] I'm at 19 minutes into this.

[181] I don't want to go more than 30.

[182] To be honest, to answer all these questions would take us 30 hours.

[183] And that's why we have, oh, oh, so here's what I meant to start with if I had done it the right way.

[184] I got an email.

[185] So you get an email from a family and like, we've been listening to your podcast, just like this mom, we've been listening to your podcast and it's been awesome.

[186] And so we've learned and we put in a practice and it's changing our family.

[187] And so we figured, well, maybe we've gotten so much out of it, we would invest something in it because you've helped us so much.

[188] So we got to call them Parenting Package.

[189] And they were like, you saved us a lot of therapy.

[190] So we started listening, it's 30 hours worth of information in this, including the marriage thing, it's 30 hours worth of information.

[191] And what they said is, there's so much depth and there's so many insights and so many things that you don't mention in the podcast.

[192] And they were emailing me to encourage people that no, the CDs goes into so much more depth than I'm able to in a podcast because I can take one little discipline issue and give you six different sides on the CD download program because I have the time there where I try to keep these kind of short and sweet.

[193] And they were like, you are holding out on us.

[194] And my response was, no, I told you there was like a lot of good stuff in there.

[195] It's not like I just try to sell stuff that I don't believe in.

[196] I'm just like there, I've been telling you to buy it.

[197] We have a really good sale on it.

[198] And they were like, well, tell people to get it.

[199] And I'm like, well, people get upset when I talk about it too much.

[200] And then they responded back.

[201] They were like, well, just tell them we said to get.

[202] So it was like, whatever.

[203] So their names are, I'm not going to give their last names, but it was Rob and Janet.

[204] So thank you for your encouragement.

[205] Let's go through this.

[206] How to navigate a teen.

[207] This could be a younger child, a middle school child who loves a little kid who loves gaming more than anything.

[208] Well, what do you have, two, three hours?

[209] Because here's my main thought for you more than anything else is.

[210] You have to discover what is driving that inside.

[211] All human behavior is driven by meeting an internal need.

[212] When we are behaving in a certain way, it's because it serves us somehow.

[213] How are those video games serving your child?

[214] And I would encourage you, we have a program called get kids off screen, stop the screen fights, and it was based on a conversation I had with Casey, and this was 15 years ago, and it was being curious, and finally instead of saying, you know what, when I was kid, I was out playing football, and we played games and we had interaction with other human beings instead of being on screens all day.

[215] It's going to rot your brain as if that was motivating.

[216] And I said, Casey, you know what?

[217] I'm really curious about this Call of Duty 2 game you're playing.

[218] What is it you find fascinating?

[219] What is it that you get out of it?

[220] And I listened.

[221] Instead of trying to talk him out of it, I listened.

[222] And what I found out, order and structure, he knew exactly what to expect.

[223] When he played his video games, knows exactly what to expect.

[224] The rules are the same.

[225] consequences are the same every single time.

[226] There's not a mom -dad and a video, there's not a mom -dad video game and a dad video game with different rules.

[227] They know what to expect and that video game enforces the rules the same way every single time.

[228] They know what to expect and it does it without emotion.

[229] When your child loses at the video game, the video game doesn't taunt them, doesn't say, you know what, if you would listen to me, you wouldn't have lost that video game and had to go back to zero.

[230] They don't do that.

[231] They just game over, start over.

[232] And your child can throw a tantrum all they want, but they don't give in, right?

[233] So there's a certain amount of order and structure.

[234] There's an ownership piece.

[235] It's within their control.

[236] In a world in which so much is out of our kids' control, their screens and videos feel like that's something we have control of, which is why you and I are largely have trouble with screens as well, because it's something we feel in control of.

[237] There's a brain stimulation aspect.

[238] There's a challenge of it.

[239] Your kids need to be challenged.

[240] And so there's a challenge of getting to the next level or building with Roblox or whatever it is that they're getting of being the best sniper and call of duty two whatever it is of winning there's competition there's that brain stimulation there's the challenge there is the social interaction where they're playing against other kids is it the kind of social interaction we want no but in this covid world especially and even the world before that it is a way that they connect with their peers some of your kids play call of duty to live or call of duty live whatever the video game is live with their friends it's what they talk about.

[241] It is their version of hanging out at the local 7 -Eleven like we were able to do.

[242] When we were kids, we pretty much had free roam of the entire world, which was our neighborhood back then.

[243] And we just left and we just were outside all the time doing all kinds of things and there are no adults around.

[244] Partly the reason your kids are on screen so much is because you hate them so much and you leave them alone when they're doing it.

[245] So it's their own little private place.

[246] Here's the part that we miss. And there's many other parts of it, but it's this.

[247] This is the eye -opener that I got when I had that talk with Casey.

[248] He said, Dad, I'm really good at this.

[249] And it just about broke my heart during that time because he wasn't really good back then at school.

[250] He's a really bright, bright kid.

[251] But Casey just wasn't great at doing school.

[252] And so he felt like a loser in school.

[253] Guess what he wasn't also great at?

[254] He wasn't always great at behavior that was expected of a child.

[255] He was really awesome in the adult world, but not so great as a child.

[256] So you take a child of age four, who's three, four, or five, who's already getting in trouble and kicked out of preschool and in trouble because he's so defined and doesn't listen to directions and all he is is his normal five -year -old who's driven by his curiosity, or you have an eight -year -old, or Casey who is 10, or maybe a 12 or 14 -year -old who's always felt different from other people, doesn't get along, doesn't get great grades, doesn't always have a lot of friends their own age, well, guess what?

[257] They start playing a video game and they find out, I'm really good at this.

[258] Why would they not keep doing it?

[259] Because it's building something in them and it's partly, I'm not going to say it's our fault because I don't do blame.

[260] I don't like blame.

[261] Blame isn't good.

[262] Ownership and honesty and humility is awesome, but blame and guilt, not so much.

[263] It's partly us because we didn't recognize that they're getting their spirits crushed in school that we often crush their spirits.

[264] Why?

[265] Because we only focus on what they're not good at doing and we forget to affirm what they're good at doing.

[266] And sometimes even when we affirm for what they're doing, hey, nice job on that.

[267] But if you would just try a little harder and boom, you just ruined the whole thing.

[268] And we don't recognize that it's a safe place for them because they're good at it.

[269] And so when he said, Dad, I'm really good at this.

[270] I felt myself choking up inside like, oh, I've been so angry at my son because all he does is play stupid video games.

[271] And what I didn't realize was it was partly my issue because we didn't set him up for success and we didn't, all we ever did was focus on what he wasn't doing well.

[272] And so he finally found something he's good at.

[273] And so he does it.

[274] and you know why because being good at something competence leads to confidence so of course he's going to do it and watch how this mom's question relate everything in it comes back to this route why do you think this child and it doesn't matter what age he is why is he into gaming so much because of competence and confidence in that challenge why does he pick on his sibling because he doesn't feel good about himself and he may have a sibling who's more of the perfect and good child well so it makes sense he does that why does he roll his eyes and talk back partly it's normal but partly because what else does you have to do and he doesn't have a purpose and so he's just why is he negative all day because he hasn't found anything else to replace the screen to get that confidence in because all we ever tell our kids is do really well in school give your best be on good behavior and when they're not at that what they say is well what do i have left here those are the two things i'm supposed to be good at and i'm not and i'm going to come to the real answer here but let's keep he calls other kids dumb and stupid and why that's what people do when they don't feel good about themselves, right?

[275] And then he's trying to be funny with the friends, but he's not.

[276] He's just silly.

[277] Why?

[278] Because he has a hard time connecting with kids his own age.

[279] It's part of the strong -willed child thing of the asynchronous development.

[280] He's negative all day long, negative comments.

[281] Why?

[282] Because he doesn't feel good about himself and he doesn't have a purpose, right?

[283] You kind of see this.

[284] And so sibling rivalry, why is he, ungrateful, same issue.

[285] So how do we help the leadership confidence side in a strong -willed child?

[286] Look, almost everything that this mom asked, who's a really good mom, really good couple, and awesome, but everything they mentioned all comes back to a single route, which is you have a child who feels different than everybody else, and he hasn't found his place.

[287] And it's partly because a lot of society, a lot of society, a lot of what we want, is very arbitrary and it's because our kids aren't really great as kids and it's why listen if you think i'm hammering if you have not listened to our strong -willed child program and you listen to the podcast it's so foundational of understanding who these kids are inside and what motivates them and what they feel like and i encourage you especially if your kids are staying home to learn just one day say don't do your schoolwork but listen to this cd listen to this download and i'll download to your phone and tell me, is this how you feel and you will open up an entire world to these kids?

[288] And if you get everything program, dude, let them listen to No BS program.

[289] Let them listen to it.

[290] I don't care if they're six or eight or 14.

[291] Let them listen to it.

[292] And I guarantee they're going to be like, oh my gosh, that guy's describing me. Like I feel understood finally.

[293] So listen to that and know, you've got to understand how they feel about themselves and how they see the world because it may be completely opposite of how you see it, right?

[294] And so as you start to understand that and you learn, how do we build confidence in a child?

[295] It's by using it's, this is hard because I wish we had three hours on this.

[296] I want to begin to identify your child's natural gifts, talents, and passions.

[297] What are they good at doing?

[298] What are they naturally good at doing?

[299] What do they enjoy doing?

[300] This is not screens.

[301] This is at their very core.

[302] What is it that they do?

[303] Are they builders?

[304] Can they see in three dimensions?

[305] Are they creative?

[306] What is it inside?

[307] What brings them satisfaction and content?

[308] What are they curious about?

[309] What makes them come alive?

[310] Because watch what happens.

[311] Our kids are very curious, but it's usually not about anything that they get grades for.

[312] So we dismiss it.

[313] Instead of entering in, that's the language that you're going to hear in a no BS program of, I want you to enter into it, the things that make you uncomfortable, the things that you're not sure about with your child, enter into it and be curious about it.

[314] follow their curiosity, and you will find what makes them come alive.

[315] And I would ask, who do they connect well with?

[316] Is it with little kids?

[317] Are little kids drawn to them?

[318] Is it with older kids, with adults, with seniors, with animals?

[319] And then you have to find ways for them to use their natural gifts, talents, and passions to help and serve whoever they're connected to, little kids, older kids, animals.

[320] Find ways to do that.

[321] I want them to have, be accountable to another adult somewhere.

[322] Could be an old person down the street, a boss.

[323] It could be a teacher, an assistant principal, someone that they're helping, someone at your church, it doesn't matter who it is, but it's the mission and mentor process.

[324] Because you get, and I may release this on newsletter or talk about it sometime this week, look, this isn't just teenagers.

[325] I had this with a seven -year -old who was already wanting to quit school and shutting down, and everything was negative.

[326] And here's what we ended up finding out.

[327] They had a school fundraiser, and this kid this kid ended up raising more money than any other child in the school and he did it I forget the exact story I've got to look it up but he did it by selling uh it was something with chicken McNuggets he had a passion for chicken McNuggets and he raised all this money and it changed the entire way that everybody else viewed himself that he viewed himself and he started sticking around in school because he had a place there and he had confidence and you give a child some measure of purpose.

[328] I'm going to throw out this word.

[329] I'm at 32 minutes.

[330] Give me two more.

[331] Responsibility.

[332] It is something at the inner city community center where I'm volunteering is I'm talking to the kids and these are kids who have had a rough start to life, but I'm talking about them.

[333] No, it's not about how hard it's been.

[334] You have a responsibility.

[335] I, you have gifts.

[336] I see how your brain works and you are a smart, smart kid.

[337] You know more about science than I do.

[338] you already know a little kid AJ you already know he is nine years old and he knows about how you have to create internal conflict when doing good writing like writing a novel you already know this you have a responsibility to carry your load in life to be responsible to other people to have purpose and meaning because you have something to give look you get a child who starts to connect with a sense that they have a purpose in life and they have something to give and all those things have been dismissed a lot through school, through us as parents, but you get a child who can latch on to that, that child will start caring about his life and you will get him off of his video games more easily doing that than you will by just going Amish and cutting off electricity to your home because he will be so or she will be so driven by knowing I have something to give and other people respond to me when I do that and they will feel purposeful and their attitude will change, how they treat their siblings will change, how they respond to you will change.

[339] That's how we did it with Casey when he was a teenager.

[340] We turned it around by finding that larger purpose.

[341] We can show you how to do that.

[342] Email Casey.

[343] He will help you.

[344] Casey, C -A -S -C -A -S -E -Y, celebrate calm .com.

[345] He is one in fact this week who said, Dad, I think you need to focus on getting that purpose and doing that because we're getting all those inquiries.

[346] And we can do this with a toddler, with a elementary school age, with middle school, with high school.

[347] I would encourage you to look up either Calm Parenting Podcasts or the Calm Parenting Package, which has so much in it.

[348] If you want to get everything package, they're both on deep, deep, deep discount.

[349] If you need additional help, email Casey and he will put together a custom package within your budget.

[350] We exist to help you, but we love you.

[351] We appreciate you.

[352] Thank you for letting me be tough with you.

[353] Do not take anything as blame and guilt.

[354] Just do ownership and humility.

[355] and seek to change and change yourself and you will never ever regret it and you will become a different person and it is awesome to do and I'm proud of you for doing it.

[356] Thank you for joining us.

[357] Talk to you soon and hope you will share this with other parents.

[358] Thanks so much.

[359] Love you.

[360] Bye -bye.