Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is Harrison Ford.
[1] And I feel confused about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[2] Now listen, you and I have talked about this a long time ago.
[3] We did.
[4] And a lot of time has passed.
[5] You've made no effort whatsoever.
[6] Now you show up out of the blue.
[7] And you want me to be your friend.
[8] Yes, I do.
[9] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[10] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[11] Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.
[12] We have a very special episode today, big, massive star, I'd say maybe one of the biggest, one of the most iconic faces of the last, easily 50 years of film, Harrison Ford, and he was on the podcast.
[13] And there was some concern because everyone's a Harrison Ford fan, everybody.
[14] But Gourley takes it to this other level.
[15] I think the words creepy come to mind.
[16] You idolize the man, and I was worried that you wouldn't behave yourself, Matt, or you might soil yourself or embarrass yourself in some way.
[17] And I want to applaud you because I thought you handled yourself with a plumb.
[18] Yeah, we talked about this on an earlier episode, and I think everything went really well, so much so that I think it's safe to say that he and I are friends.
[19] Well, I'd like to see you try and cash that check.
[20] It would be fun to watch you escorted off the Ford Estate by nine robotic security cards.
[21] Stormtroopers.
[22] Yeah, exactly.
[23] I would pay anything to see you tossed out of his house like a drunk in an old movie and gets tossed out of a bar and they just grab you by the pants and throw you out.
[24] I don't know why we can't just leave it as fact.
[25] We don't need to test it.
[26] It just is.
[27] He and I our buddies.
[28] Did you guys exchange numbers?
[29] No, but we didn't need to because I think we were beyond that.
[30] How are you?
[31] How can you be beyond?
[32] That's a big part of friendship.
[33] Yeah, you're not beyond it.
[34] Well, you don't need to call someone when you're always hanging out.
[35] You know what I mean?
[36] Oh, I see.
[37] You don't need his number because you'll always be right next to each other.
[38] Yeah.
[39] That hasn't started yet, but I'm assuming it's any day now.
[40] Any day now, there's going to be a knock at your door and you're going to open it and he's going to be there as Indiana Jones.
[41] He will have landed a plane on my roof.
[42] And he's going to whip you to death.
[43] I'll take it.
[44] I'll take it.
[45] What a way to go.
[46] You'd be happy to go out that way, wouldn't you?
[47] No, I thought you did a, I thought you were very good.
[48] You were very professional.
[49] You are, I give you a hard time, but you are.
[50] at your core, a pro.
[51] And I thought you were, you are.
[52] You're a professional.
[53] You handle yourself well.
[54] Sona, you are not a professional.
[55] Okay.
[56] I was going to just ask you about your take on me, but okay.
[57] I should have just guessed.
[58] That's what you were going to say.
[59] Would you say you're a lot of things, a lot of great things?
[60] Would you say you're a professional?
[61] First of all, I mean, Harris, Ford came in.
[62] Excuse you.
[63] He came in and I was very, very professional.
[64] A lot of times when you're around serious people, I am a very professional person.
[65] So, yeah, I do think that I was being professional.
[66] And I think that I'm, it's not like I'm walking in like, you know, puffing on a joint, needing Cheetos and being like, yo, Harry, what's up?
[67] I didn't do that.
[68] I think he would have appreciated that.
[69] Yeah, first of all, I think he would have been fine with that, especially if you would, you didn't Bogart that joint.
[70] But I think that, yeah, you set a pretty low bar for yourself.
[71] You said as long as I don't walk in eating cheetah.
[72] and smoking a massive blunt, then I'm a professional.
[73] I will say, I think that day you did actually come in from the kitchen with a snack bag of something like little Cheetos or something.
[74] But that's what I do every day when we record.
[75] So that's not good.
[76] But I think that I was being a professional.
[77] I think everybody was on their best behavior.
[78] We just wanted Harrison Ford to think we were cool.
[79] Can I say I was not on my best behavior?
[80] I was not well behaved.
[81] I said I said I wasn't even sure he was in.
[82] the Star Wars films because he doesn't really, he doesn't pop.
[83] You'll hear that.
[84] I say, you know, you got to admit you don't really pop in those movies.
[85] I'm surprised he didn't come across the table.
[86] You're the problem here.
[87] Yeah.
[88] You know what's so funny?
[89] I came in, as I do often, hot, I come in trying to give you guys a hard time.
[90] And while I was talking to you, realized, I am the one who's unprofessional.
[91] Right.
[92] I am the problem.
[93] Yes.
[94] And, and I'm saying this like it's a therapy session and I just realize that for the first time.
[95] But no, I, that's a breakthrough for me. You're also saying it like we haven't realized that from day one.
[96] I think I don't care what you guys realize.
[97] I'm having my own breakthrough.
[98] This is about me. I'm the patient.
[99] But I've said this many times that the fish rots from the head and you're the head of this fish.
[100] So I'm a rotting fish head.
[101] What's the head rots the rest of the thing rots?
[102] You, you rock first.
[103] Sona, Sona, we know how it works.
[104] Okay.
[105] I just want to break this down.
[106] I'm sorry.
[107] Yeah.
[108] I'm not clear.
[109] Sona, if you could really...
[110] So the fish rots from the head.
[111] That means that means Conan is the head of the fish.
[112] And then he starts to rot.
[113] What is it?
[114] Is it a freshwater fish or is it a saltwater fish?
[115] It's, um, I think it's a saltwater fish.
[116] Why, does that make a difference?
[117] Do you know a lot about fishing?
[118] You fish?
[119] Sure.
[120] Well, you know me. I'm a guy that likes to get out on the sea.
[121] I like that air in my face.
[122] Um, I come from a long line of fisherman and uh your dad's microbiologist okay my father yes my father's a microbiologist but before that he was uh a grottin fisherman he wore a big yellow grotten fisherman's outfit and uh then he was so bad at it they said i think you need to go get a microscope because the only fish you're catching are so tiny you can't even see them so that's how he did it all right well we should get let's just say, I admit, I am the weak link in this chain today, but man, we had a really good time.
[123] So let's get to it.
[124] My guest today, of course, one of the biggest actors of all time, appearing in over 70 movies over the last 50 years, including Star Wars, Indiana Jones, the fugitive Blade Runner.
[125] Good God, it's ridiculous.
[126] My buddy.
[127] It's ridiculous.
[128] Yeah, yeah, that's your pal.
[129] And so many more.
[130] Now you can see him, now you can see him in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny.
[131] Harrison Ford, welcome.
[132] What can you say on a podcast?
[133] You can say anything you want, anything you like.
[134] Oh, fuck you.
[135] Already my favorite.
[136] Clearly, Harrison, you've read the room and you understand that there's a lot of animosity towards me and that you will do quite well if you shit on me throughout this process.
[137] Thank you for confirming my instincts.
[138] You know, the first thing you did when you came in here is say, I just want my parking validated.
[139] that seems to be your chief concern is that we validate your parking when maybe I'm going out on a limb here this could be the biggest hour of your career it's possible that this podcast recording will outshine any of your other work if he gets a parking validation yeah yeah well don't worry about the car I'll walk home you will walk home on air on air can we record you for the whole walk home.
[140] Oh, yeah, sure.
[141] Thank you.
[142] Thank you.
[143] I want to say something to you.
[144] You came on my show many, many times on the late night show, and over the years, people would say, who's one of your favorite guests?
[145] And I would say, Harrison Ford, because he's so goddamn funny, you would come on the show.
[146] Have you seen these appearances?
[147] You are so hilariously funny, and you tossed me around like a rag doll verbally on these shows.
[148] And there's some of my favorite segments of all time.
[149] You were a hilarious man, and I've always loved being around you.
[150] You guys wrote some great stuff for, I remember us.
[151] I don't remember.
[152] No. Do you know who I am at this moment?
[153] Conan.
[154] Oprah.
[155] Yes.
[156] It's kind of cool when you say it that way.
[157] You know what?
[158] It's only cool when you say it.
[159] It's the only time it's ever been cool.
[160] Do it again.
[161] Conan.
[162] oh brian yes wow it's like jazz wow yeah we're jazz we're jazz we're jazz we're we all pick up on each other he's jazz you're you're uh he's jazz like carousel music you're jazz I'm jazz and I am uh yeah circus calliope yeah I think something kind of that a chip that a chimp would dance to and you're jazz okay I'm sure all right I'm kind of a name is Conan is it uh how dare you uh Conan is a an old Gaelic name that my parents gave me uh they thought we'll call them colonel gaelic or i come from uh do you speak gaelic i do not i do not speak gaelic in fact i don't think anybody really speaks gaelic i think it's a made up uh have you heard gaelic it sounds like a bunch of someone threw some chairs down the back stairs it's just a lot of consonants there's not a vowel in there and i I think it's just to confuse people about when it's time to go to the pub.
[163] So I don't speak Gaelic, but I do have a very Irish name.
[164] You know what fascinated me to learn?
[165] I'm part Irish.
[166] You are part Irish, Irish, German, and Mother Jewish.
[167] What's the German part?
[168] I thought you were German Irish.
[169] I thought your dad was German Irish.
[170] Is there such a thing as German Irish?
[171] Sure.
[172] Would German people were allowed to marry Irish people?
[173] Sure.
[174] But you don't carry a designation.
[175] by marrying somebody a national.
[176] Sure you do.
[177] There are Irish Italians.
[178] Okay.
[179] My father was Irish -Irish -Irish.
[180] Right, okay.
[181] No German.
[182] No German.
[183] No. Okay.
[184] I refer you to this piece of paper right here that says born and raised in Chicago to an Irish -slash -German father.
[185] If that's the quality of your research.
[186] And I imagine it is because right there it says Harrison Ford, and then you had to write down Han Solo.
[187] Yeah, I did.
[188] You can't fucking remember that?
[189] No, I can't.
[190] I can't remember Han Solo.
[191] Are you serious?
[192] Yeah, I wrote down because I heard that you were in some of the Star Wars films.
[193] And this was news to me because I've seen those films and I don't exactly think you pop.
[194] I'm sorry.
[195] Whoa.
[196] But I mean, I remember Chubaka.
[197] I remember the bad guy with the black helmet.
[198] And then there's some people.
[199] How come you're not still on television?
[200] I think it's quite obvious why I'm not still on television.
[201] Yeah.
[202] Listen, my research might not be the best.
[203] It's holding up so far.
[204] My intentions are good.
[205] They are very honorable and good.
[206] Now, I've always thought you have one of the coolest names of any leading man, Harrison Ford.
[207] You cannot beat that name.
[208] Yet, you were asked, or it was suggested, early in your career that you change your name.
[209] It's true.
[210] Who the fuck wanted you to change from Harrison Ford?
[211] Jerry Dukovsky.
[212] Oh, well, physician healed myself.
[213] He just had a hatred for his own name.
[214] Is that true?
[215] So he wanted you to change your name.
[216] Yeah.
[217] You said Harrison Ford and he went, no, we can do better?
[218] Yeah, he said that's too pretentious a name for a young man. He was about four years older than me. Well, he's called me boy.
[219] Oh, boy.
[220] So what did you, did you come up with an alternate name?
[221] Yeah.
[222] Jerry Tukovsky.
[223] Well, okay.
[224] I don't think it was very original.
[225] You could have followed.
[226] I did come back the next day.
[227] And I was not only supposed to come back with the name, but I was supposed to be there earlier than, by naming conference to get a haircut.
[228] And I'd been given a picture of Elvis Presley to take with me to the studio barber.
[229] They told you, get this haircut?
[230] Get this haircut and come back with a name.
[231] I said, okay, I didn't get the haircut.
[232] And I said, my new name is Kurt Affair.
[233] Incredible.
[234] Yeah.
[235] That's a great name.
[236] Yeah.
[237] Kurt Affair.
[238] Yeah.
[239] Irish German name.
[240] So obviously that didn't, that didn't stick.
[241] No. Nothing did for a while.
[242] No, they threw me. They let me go after a year and a half of a seven -year contract.
[243] Wow.
[244] After which I would be making $1 ,200 a week.
[245] Really?
[246] After seven years.
[247] So this is a different time in show business that kind of fascinates me. indentured servitude.
[248] It really was, but you look at, I'm thinking now about the television, I know that I think you came out and trust me, my research could be off, but I'm told that you came out.
[249] It actually came off.
[250] You're still in.
[251] Trust me. That's going to happen later in this interview.
[252] That you come to Hollywood in 1964 and the big way to get a job, if you're lucky, is every show on television is a Western, a TV.
[253] Western pretty much and you were American style but did love American style oh yeah man I played a hippie oh yeah a real stretch it's so funny because I have a brother Neil who's obsessed with TV uh of the 60s and early 70s and so I told him today when I'm on the I told him when I was on that's my watch is it your watch yeah oh well that's very rude it's time for you to go You just pushed the alarm on your watch so you could leave this interview now and not look rude.
[254] That's what happened.
[255] I don't mind looking rude.
[256] Oh, that's true.
[257] That's true.
[258] You're right.
[259] I just did misread the situation terribly.
[260] So I'm driving into work today, and I'm talking to my brother, and I said, yeah, I'm going in and I talk to Harrison Ford.
[261] He said, that's so cool.
[262] Ask him about that gun smoke.
[263] Yeah.
[264] I said, what?
[265] No one asks Harrison Ford about his episode of Gunsmoke.
[266] He's like, oh, yeah, I know, him and these other guys take over the town and you kill a guy in a bar and in a poker game and he knew it.
[267] And then, of course, I looked it up online and there's a picture of you looking real nasty on gun smoke.
[268] Yeah, I did gun smoke in the Virginian, but I don't remember that.
[269] Yeah.
[270] I did.
[271] I played the same part twice on FBI in one season, and they didn't even realize I was the same guy.
[272] So you just came back, and they were like, we had a great time with Kurt Affair.
[273] What's your name?
[274] No, I always played, I seemed to get these, if there were two criminal brothers, I was the one that was sort of duped by my smarter, older brother.
[275] Right, right.
[276] How old is your brother?
[277] He's three years old to be, or two and a half years, yeah.
[278] See?
[279] Yeah, exactly.
[280] He tricked me into talking to you.
[281] And he'll be delighted.
[282] Because he'll listen to this and he'll say, you got Harrison Ford to talk about gunsmoke.
[283] But it is interesting to me, like that whole period because Clint Eastwood get started in television westerns.
[284] Bert Reynolds, all these sort of iconic acts, Steve McQueen, all these guys had to do their, it's like you had to do your time on a television Western before you could move on to other things.
[285] Is that a fair assessment of that period?
[286] Well, no, not really.
[287] Oh, for Christ's sake Why can't you give me that?
[288] Why can't I have that?
[289] Why can't you just say, sure, sure, yeah, fine, Conan, let's move on.
[290] Instead, it's no, you're wrong.
[291] You're wrong, your brother's wrong?
[292] Well, okay, I'm okay with him being wrong.
[293] Your name's wrong.
[294] Okay, everything's wrong.
[295] My name's wrong?
[296] No, I played the same kind of character over and over again, and nobody noticed.
[297] So I don't think it, I was not on the, I was not on the, Clint Eastwood track right right in television I was on the here today and gone tomorrow track right right and this is that's why you're you're making your living primarily as a carpenter while you're doing these other parts I'll get a part and I'm lucky to get this sort of quasi background role yeah these little parts and I think for any still the case yeah yeah you're hurting it hasn't gone well for you I think we agree on that well look show business has been very very good to me yes it has yeah i think you've been good to show business well i do i mean you're very uh i was very lucky uh i mean for for years i i uh you know i did the same old thing i went from uh columbia pictures uh to a contract at universal yeah for 250 a week um that lasted a year and a half i always could get out of these things just by being a dick.
[298] Really?
[299] Is that how you would get out of it?
[300] It was just being kind of unpleasant?
[301] Well, in Columbia's case, Jerry Tukovsky, write it down, folks.
[302] Called me into his office and told me that Mike Frankovich, who was the head of the studio, was in Europe and he'd forgotten to sign my contract when he left, but he was going to suggest to Mike Frankvich, he, Jerry Tukovsky, was going to suggest that they dropped me anyway because I had no future in the business.
[303] I appreciate and notice that you know their names cold.
[304] You have already forgotten mine, but...
[305] No, I haven't.
[306] And what is it, please?
[307] Conan O 'Brien.
[308] Oh, my God.
[309] I want that on my...
[310] That's my outgoing message for the rest of time.
[311] I'll get a lot of hang -ups.
[312] I love that when you're in that early part of your career, and this is true of all of us, and someone doesn't see it or someone wrongs you in some way or disrespects you, you never forget that name.
[313] But you're not letting me finish any story.
[314] Finally.
[315] Fucking interrupt me. Every time I get to that punchline, you're there to wander.
[316] Anyway, so he said to me, Jerry Tauphs, said to me that Mike Frankovich hadn't signed my contract.
[317] So, and he was going to, perhaps I got this far before, he was going to suggest that I get, that they dropped me. He said they would give me two weeks pay till Mike Frankovich came back because he knew that my wife was pregnant.
[318] My wife at the time was pregnant and I needed the money.
[319] I said, no, that's fine.
[320] goodbye.
[321] And I was out.
[322] That was it.
[323] Why not just take the $250?
[324] It was $150.
[325] Two weeks would have been $300.
[326] And that was stupid, wasn't it?
[327] Yeah.
[328] Your wife's expecting a child?
[329] Yeah.
[330] That money went a long way back then.
[331] What were you doing?
[332] Think about how much money you'd have now if you kept that.
[333] Exactly.
[334] That money invested wisely then would be worth...
[335] I could be making $1 ,200 a week.
[336] I have a very clear memory of the first time I encountered you, which is you had not been on the show yet, and you're easily one of my favorite Hollywood stars, and I'm going to say of all time, and my show is struggling along for a couple of years, and we're getting, we're just sort of starting to catch, and I could never get a star of Harrison Ford's caliber on the program.
[337] and that would be unimaginable.
[338] I'm almost done.
[339] And that exhale was like the last breath of a thousand -year -old man. No, I'm just remembering that you never fucking asked me. We did ask you.
[340] You did not.
[341] Don't shout at me on my podcast.
[342] It's rude.
[343] I'm not shouting.
[344] I'm in Washington, D .C. for the White House Correspondence dinner, and I'm going to be up there on the dais with Clinton.
[345] I've never met Harrison Ford and I'm on an elevator door that's closing and all I'm nervous about, how's my set going to go on this thing?
[346] Elevator doors are closing and I've talked about this on the show years ago.
[347] Elevator doors closing when I hear a voice say, hold the elevator.
[348] And I'm thinking, I really got to get upstairs.
[349] The door's two thirds closed.
[350] So I don't really try to hit the button when the face, the iconic face of Harrison Ford appears in between the two closing doors and looks right at me and the doors shut.
[351] And I, all the way up to my room, just on the eighth floor, shit myself the whole way up.
[352] That's what propelled the elevator.
[353] Yeah, the elevator was not functioning, but it was propelled purely by my, it was a horrifying, horrifying moment for me. I apologize again.
[354] We recreated the moment on the air.
[355] You can see it online where I asked you to, what's recreate the moment.
[356] and you gave this amazing death stare into the camera and we had two elevator doors close on it and I felt the same trauma all over again.
[357] That's how he remembers your name like Jerry Tchauski.
[358] I'm sorry, Harrison.
[359] I could have probably, it was a horrible moment for me and I'm glad that we've, you've come here.
[360] I come here as a friend.
[361] Oh, thank you.
[362] Yeah.
[363] So it's all past.
[364] You're not going to.
[365] No, I'm not.
[366] You bear no ill will.
[367] No, no. You're no Jerry Tukovsky.
[368] That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. So here's the deal.
[369] The last time I saw Jerry Tukovsky was I was...
[370] Jesus, your success.
[371] Listen, in that office on Gower, on Gower.
[372] Business to settle.
[373] 15 years later, I'm sitting in the executive dining room at...
[374] Executive dining room at Warner Brothers.
[375] And a waiter came over to me in the middle of my meal on a little tray and with a little white card on it.
[376] I'd never seen that before, and he proffered the tray.
[377] I picked up the card.
[378] It said, Jerry Tukovsky, vice president, blah, blah, whatever.
[379] And I looked around the room, and everybody looked like Jerry Tukovsky.
[380] And I turned it over.
[381] And on the back handwritten was a little note that said, I missed, I guess.
[382] Wow.
[383] He was guessing.
[384] Yeah.
[385] But I give people credit for, right?
[386] For acknowledging, he acknowledged that he.
[387] I thought so, too.
[388] Yeah.
[389] I give people a lot of credit when someone comes up and says, I'm sorry.
[390] Yeah.
[391] Like you coming here today to apologize for.
[392] Jerry Tukovsky didn't quite say he was sorry.
[393] Oh.
[394] He just said that he made a bad bet.
[395] That's not good enough.
[396] By the time I leave here, you will be sorry.
[397] I'm sorry now.
[398] I, do these people get to talk at all?
[399] I try to discourage it.
[400] I see.
[401] It's working.
[402] The best I can.
[403] So now, you weigh in because you're having the time of your life.
[404] I am really into this Jerry Tukovsky character arc, because I do think that there's a nice end to it.
[405] It is.
[406] It's over.
[407] Where is he now?
[408] Exactly.
[409] Okay.
[410] Let's bring him in Well, we have a surprise to you Do you have a phone in number?
[411] No, he is here in person We arranged all of this He now cleans pools in Redondo And he's here to say again That he missed his bet So there you go I'm oh good, he's taking a drink of water I'm going to get a question in Oh my God, he's not swallowing Harrison and this behavior is not worthy of you a man of your stature all you've achieved this is not worthy of you we should also mention that he's been eating those little cuties those little orange slices this whole time the smallest orange I've ever seen make a tiny mini nectarine a tangelo if you will and you've been eating it section by section.
[412] That's what I do.
[413] If only there are cameras here.
[414] Why are there cameras here?
[415] This is just for tax purposes.
[416] I need to be able to show that we made a podcast.
[417] And then we get to write it off because I monetize everything.
[418] I now own your likeness because you've been on the podcast.
[419] And you need to buy it back from me for the new Indiana Jones film to come out.
[420] That's how smart I am.
[421] That's what makes me different from other people in this business.
[422] I'm a real whiz, Harrison.
[423] A real whiz.
[424] Wow.
[425] I saw you at a party recently.
[426] No. Yeah, I did.
[427] I did.
[428] I did.
[429] I saw you too.
[430] Thank you.
[431] I was glad you saw me. You're hard to miss. I'm hard to miss. Yeah.
[432] I kind of stand out, don't I?
[433] Stand up.
[434] You stand up.
[435] But I had a, I just was in a silly mood and it was fantastic because I walked up to you and I said, I think I'm the new Harrison.
[436] Ford and you gave me that great look and you said fuck you I'm Harrison Ford and I said well you've been Harrison Ford for a long time but there's time for a new one and it's me and you said okay you can have it and I thought that was a verbal agreement that maybe I take over oh what a waste talking about I have the gravitas I have the bearing what will you do with it I would I would try to you know keep the different franchise is going.
[437] Oh, no. Why?
[438] You is Han Solo?
[439] Yeah.
[440] No. Let's stop this right now.
[441] Where was this party?
[442] Where was this alleged party?
[443] This was a party.
[444] Alleged party you were there.
[445] This is a party that was a lot of the shrinking gang was there.
[446] And yeah.
[447] And by the way, you are hilarious on that show.
[448] That's a fantastic part.
[449] And you play it beautifully.
[450] And we had a nice time.
[451] at that party, a bunch of the shrinking cast was there.
[452] I remember it now, clearly.
[453] Clearly.
[454] You were there.
[455] You were there.
[456] And I think you were having maybe a tequila.
[457] And I was having a little bit of orange juice.
[458] Okay, it was orange juice.
[459] They were easily, very easy to mistake orange juice for Kila in a shot class.
[460] But anyway, I thought we had a real moment there.
[461] I thought, and I thought that you enjoyed my company.
[462] And I hate to make this all about me When you've had this incredibly storied career No, I actually, you know, I know where you live And it's not very far from where I live You could walk over to my house any time Is it true?
[463] No, because I could walk to your house, but would I get in?
[464] If the doorbell rang.
[465] No, you would walk back.
[466] But at least you would, at least you would, you'd make an effort.
[467] I'd make an effort.
[468] You know, if you really wanted me to know, to surround us of this, if you really wanted me to be your friend, but you didn't.
[469] And it's over now.
[470] I had my chance.
[471] No, no, I think, I think this is your chance.
[472] I think you can still redeem yourself.
[473] Well, how's it going so far?
[474] Hmm.
[475] No, I, I have, actually, I have friends like you.
[476] Okay.
[477] You know, really, I mean.
[478] You know circus people, whatever.
[479] You have no friends like me. Yeah.
[480] No, not exactly like you, but I've always liked you.
[481] I liked you.
[482] That's why I did your show.
[483] Many times.
[484] Many times.
[485] Yeah.
[486] I did it like, what, twice?
[487] Oh, no. Four or five times.
[488] You did my show nine times right here.
[489] Right.
[490] My name.
[491] Nine times.
[492] Did show him nine times.
[493] You did it nine times.
[494] And you were unfailingly very funny every time.
[495] Yeah.
[496] And one of my favorite things you ever did was we have this person who are fans, no very well named Jordan Slansky, who's a Star Wars obsessive.
[497] And he had built a Millennium Falcon out of Legos.
[498] And it took him nine months to build this thing.
[499] Yeah.
[500] And he brought it out and gave.
[501] a long speech to you about the meaning of his Millennium Falcon and handed it to you and you threw it up over your head and it landed on the floor and shattered in a million pieces and it was the greatest day of my life and then he picked up a piece and then signed it.
[502] And you signed it for him and it was one of the greatest greatest things I've ever seen in my life and by the way it's a clip online that people adore they just adore it It was just a magical, magical moment, and I thank you for that.
[503] Well, those of you at home who don't know how these things work, let me point out that this was a scripted bit.
[504] Yes, yes, it was.
[505] He didn't build the damn thing somebody else in the prop department.
[506] This is why.
[507] Built the damn thing over a, you know, probably took him three weeks.
[508] He probably had to take it home and ask his kid to help him.
[509] put it together yeah and then and then you built this whole stick around it and you made well i made you suggested you suggested that it would be funny yes if i if i destroyed it yeah yeah right i do i will make it clear and first of all this is why you've never and you were right it was funny yeah cruel cruel cruel i'm cruel but funny um i'd like to point out that you'd be terrible working with a magician because the magician would come out and do a trick where he saws the lady in half and then puts her back together again and just as the crowd is applauding Harrison Ford walks out and says excuse me I'd like to point out that this was all a sad sham this woman secret herself into the first half of the box and those legs are fake I have a picture you as a terrible, terrible magician's assistant.
[510] But yes, you just exposed my little trick that delighted millions.
[511] And you just explained me why people never do imitations of me. I was just trying to get my voice into a male register.
[512] That's all I was trying to do.
[513] All I was trying to do.
[514] You tried.
[515] I tried.
[516] The only way I can sound like a man is to get down here.
[517] And then I'm either Nixon or Harrison Ford.
[518] And I am neither one.
[519] You sound a little like Jerry.
[520] You've got to get this man behind.
[521] I know now that you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat yelling this man's name.
[522] Nah.
[523] You won.
[524] You won.
[525] No, no, no. This is the first time I've remembered his name in 15 years.
[526] It just came to me. Wow.
[527] I have that effect on people.
[528] It's like a good therapy session for you.
[529] I'm freeing you of your past demons.
[530] Wow.
[531] My wife is going to be so excited.
[532] Really?
[533] I saw Conan today.
[534] I'm a new man. All my demons are gone.
[535] Yeah.
[536] Yeah, I think yes.
[537] I think she's going to be quite pleased with this transformation.
[538] I hope so.
[539] I've tried everything else.
[540] This is a total meltdown of some kind, which I'm really enjoying.
[541] I am very excited, as is, especially my friend Matt, for the upcoming.
[542] It looks excited.
[543] This is, actually, this is him excited.
[544] Let me tell you how much I can't wait for this.
[545] In this era now where people are saying, I don't even, I don't know if I want to go to the theater anymore.
[546] The idea of going and seeing a new Indiana Jones movie is absolutely thrilling to me. I hope to go to the theaters to see it, if they're going to see it at all.
[547] I hope they'll see it in the theater.
[548] I will make them personally.
[549] Yeah.
[550] But I can't imagine.
[551] I think there's, I think all of them have been spectacular.
[552] Your family are not an audience, you know?
[553] No, exactly.
[554] Yes.
[555] At home.
[556] Yeah.
[557] It's not, it's not fair to the movie.
[558] Right.
[559] I mean, yeah, You could see it at home if you wanted to, maybe later.
[560] Right.
[561] But give it a chance.
[562] Go to a movie theater.
[563] Yeah.
[564] Be in the dark with strange people.
[565] Yeah.
[566] Well, I've done that, and I've done that, and I've gone to a movie.
[567] One was slightly more erotic than the other, I'll say.
[568] But I can't imagine seeing, you know, an Indiana Jones film any other way.
[569] I just can't.
[570] I think it would be, I would, and the thing is, I know it's going to be an event because I know that my son, who's 17, loves the franchise, he's going to want to go.
[571] I mean, just going to be a thing where we can all go as a family.
[572] If they allow me, I get to go too.
[573] And I want to see it with an audience.
[574] I want to see it with people.
[575] I've got tickets.
[576] Did you get them already?
[577] Did you pay for them?
[578] Because maybe Harrison.
[579] How much does a movie cost these days?
[580] Well, there's like those two levels, a regular theater, and then they have those lie -down ones where you can get food and take a nap you know that's a nice thing to say to harrison for i bought a napping seat to go see your movie what the fuck are you doing i'm not saying during his movie right of course not i've been waiting for this for years and those are like $20 25 to lay down and have a nap so you got the special uh well wait a minute you say you don't know when was the last time you bought a ticket and went into a movie theater has it been a while you're scaring me when you stare at me like that you frighten you frighten me to my core no i don't but but i also don't remember the last yeah you're right i i am i have seen movies in on a big screen yes you know in a in a theater right right but there was no uppity else in the room That's how Howard Hughes did it.
[581] That's expensive.
[582] Weren't you just at the Cannes Film Festival?
[583] You probably saw some...
[584] Yeah, so I saw...
[585] I saw the new Indiana Jones...
[586] That's right.
[587] You sat in an audience.
[588] I've seen pictures of you.
[589] That guy's really good.
[590] Yeah.
[591] I got in for free.
[592] I would have loved it if they had stopped you and you had been looking for your ticket at the Cann premiere of Indiana Jones.
[593] Yeah.
[594] So you were there.
[595] there.
[596] That's, that's, I know that you've experienced everything one can experience.
[597] It was like 10 days ago.
[598] Yeah.
[599] Yeah.
[600] Everything one can experience in this business at the highest level, but that still has to be exciting.
[601] What part?
[602] Can film festival, you're going up the big red carpet.
[603] Yeah.
[604] Beautiful wife on your arm.
[605] You go inside a whole crowd of those fancy French people.
[606] Yeah.
[607] And then your movie comes up.
[608] Yeah.
[609] A storied franchise, you know, I don't know.
[610] I, I don't know.
[611] I just.
[612] just have to think that there's be some part of you that would say yes this is cool um i'm i'm gonna wait for no it uh it was uh it was it was a it was actually a pretty um uh interesting experience yeah i had i haven't been there for a while i but i had been there in the past but with other even indiana jones movies but anyway it was yeah it was it was not it was beautiful projection system, great room, lots and lots of people.
[613] But they weren't like a real audience.
[614] I mean, they had tuxitos and beautiful gowns on and stuff like that.
[615] I want to see it with an ordinary rabble.
[616] Yeah.
[617] I got an extra ticket.
[618] Yeah, we can all go together.
[619] If you'd like.
[620] If you'd like, we'll all go together.
[621] In fact, Eduardo, you're invited as well.
[622] Oh, yeah.
[623] I'll check your schedule.
[624] Yes, no, Blay, you're in.
[625] This is the fifth, right?
[626] Yeah.
[627] June 5th.
[628] The movie comes out June 30th.
[629] I believe so.
[630] Let me check my incorrect.
[631] Yeah.
[632] I already know it's true.
[633] Yeah, June 30th.
[634] Okay, so it says it on the ticket, right?
[635] So we wait here.
[636] Oh, 25 days.
[637] You'll wait here for 25 days.
[638] I like this.
[639] I'll have food brought in for you.
[640] Okay.
[641] We do this show every day?
[642] Yeah.
[643] Every day.
[644] You know now.
[645] Yeah.
[646] Now we do.
[647] And you're the only guest every day.
[648] And so it's, we call it, it's a special promotional month of Harrison Ford.
[649] And it's you every day for an hour.
[650] I promised that I wouldn't do this.
[651] What are you doing?
[652] Get excited.
[653] If that's your orgasm, I, you're a disgusting man. I'm just tensing up and excitement.
[654] You made it, you made it disgusting.
[655] That's not what it sounds like.
[656] You're filthy -minded.
[657] It did sound like.
[658] I apologize.
[659] I apologize for my partner.
[660] No, it did sound sexual, though.
[661] Thank you, son of it might have been.
[662] Glad I brought this creep along.
[663] Thank you.
[664] Mr. Ford.
[665] Do it again.
[666] You make me blush, I declare.
[667] Where did you get that?
[668] Where did you get that Southern fan?
[669] I do declare.
[670] A man. Ooh.
[671] You had to be here.
[672] Oh, no. This is.
[673] Oh, no. You got cameras.
[674] It's all, yeah, you'll see.
[675] You'll see.
[676] This is all going to turn it around for you in his podcast.
[677] Did you, this morning, when you were coming here, was there some, did you have a second of thinking, what, I'm going to do what?
[678] Colonel O 'Brien has a tiny radio show in a little room.
[679] Was there a point where you did a 180 and started headed home?
[680] No. No, I didn't.
[681] I was, I was curious.
[682] I was curious about it.
[683] But then I got here.
[684] and I see this is really kind of a big deal.
[685] I mean, this shit's not free.
[686] No. This is a state of the art studio designed here by Eduardo.
[687] And, uh, nice, man. Thank you.
[688] Yeah.
[689] A beautiful building that we have, a large complex.
[690] We do many parts.
[691] They're like probably, there's, uh, three, six people here.
[692] Outside.
[693] Yeah.
[694] Outside there's another 20 people.
[695] Yeah.
[696] What do they do?
[697] Well, first of all, A lot of them are here because you're here.
[698] Yeah, and I hate to throw people under the bus, but when Nick Kroll rolls in, they're not here.
[699] I'm sorry, Nick, but you're going to take a bullet to this one.
[700] Who's Nick Kroll?
[701] Exactly.
[702] Exactly.
[703] Exactly.
[704] And why?
[705] My point is that...
[706] Is he like Jerry Tukovsky?
[707] He's my Jerry Tukovsky.
[708] He's a very funny, brilliant comic and actor.
[709] Oh, that Nick Kroll.
[710] Yeah, I threw him under the bus for no reason other than he.
[711] his name came to mind and I thought, I'm friendly enough with him that I can do this in this moment.
[712] So that was undeserved.
[713] And Nick, my apologies, but you got a shout out.
[714] I'm talking here with Harrison Ford.
[715] Hey.
[716] And also, yeah.
[717] Let me say his name again.
[718] Yeah.
[719] Nick Kroll.
[720] Yes.
[721] There you go.
[722] Now, see, all is forgiven.
[723] He's just thrilled.
[724] Yeah.
[725] He's thrilled now.
[726] But no, we do have, this is a big operation.
[727] And many, many, many people will hear this.
[728] And they'll say Conan does interrupt too often.
[729] And he should shut up.
[730] And he should let Harrison talk.
[731] Nah.
[732] Should let these other people talk a little bit because they've got microphones in front.
[733] And you haven't done said one fucking word.
[734] Can I say something?
[735] I mean, about a lot.
[736] You know, it's your last day at work.
[737] So why not?
[738] Go for it.
[739] Well, I would just like to say that I dressed up a little bit today out of, you know, because I'm a huge fan.
[740] And every single person in the office has commented, oh, you dressed up, you look nice.
[741] So do I just normally look terrible?
[742] I just put on a button button down.
[743] I'm sorry to bring this interview down.
[744] You used the opportunity to ask a question about him.
[745] I know.
[746] Are you crazy?
[747] You finally got the mic.
[748] You're the biggest.
[749] You're the biggest next to that.
[750] Shut the fuck off.
[751] I'm sorry.
[752] I'm sorry, Harrison.
[753] I'm sorry.
[754] You spent your one bullet on that.
[755] You miss your guess.
[756] Who is this guy?
[757] Exactly.
[758] That's why I don't let him have the microphone.
[759] Yes.
[760] So anyway, what do you think about what I'm wearing, Harrison.
[761] Do you like it?
[762] Is it nice?
[763] Jesus.
[764] We're wearing almost the same thing.
[765] See, we're almost matching.
[766] Yeah.
[767] But I didn't bring it up.
[768] I didn't think we'd take some of Conan's valuable time to talk about what you and I are wearing.
[769] I have to say this is humiliating.
[770] This is humiliating.
[771] This is humiliating for me. It was humiliating for you the minute you walked through that door.
[772] No, come on.
[773] You are a colossus.
[774] A colossus.
[775] Yeah.
[776] And then the minute you walked in here, it was all diminished.
[777] Your career is through, Harrison.
[778] It's over.
[779] I've just been told that shrinking no longer wants you.
[780] They're getting a new Indiana Jones.
[781] Oh, my God.
[782] Yeah, been replaced.
[783] Nick Kroll will take over that role.
[784] What are you doing?
[785] It's removing the belly button.
[786] You're removing, that's a little mark that keeps you on the belly button there so that you always see your lighting is just perfect and you removed it.
[787] You're a carpenter.
[788] Do you like our table?
[789] What do you think?
[790] Yeah, it's nice.
[791] Everything is nice here.
[792] It's nice, yeah.
[793] We did a really good job.
[794] It's very tasteful and nice.
[795] Yeah.
[796] So what do you say?
[797] You, me, maybe we start hanging out a little more regularly?
[798] Well, I thought we had this daily podcast deal.
[799] He was really kidding.
[800] No, that's not.
[801] I don't think he'll never see you again.
[802] The door, it's over for you.
[803] It's really over for Gla.
[804] We're going to Chipotle after.
[805] I'm going to Chipotle.
[806] Okay.
[807] We go.
[808] Yeah.
[809] I mean, I don't have a lot of time.
[810] Left.
[811] I'm 80.
[812] You look fantastic.
[813] So you can be my friend.
[814] What would we do?
[815] together.
[816] You and I?
[817] Yeah.
[818] I see us getting a meal.
[819] We could get a meal.
[820] We get a meal.
[821] Probably we both live.
[822] Should we take the girls?
[823] Our wives.
[824] I think we should take.
[825] I can't say girls.
[826] No, I can't do that.
[827] I think we take the ladies.
[828] I take my wife.
[829] You take your wife.
[830] We go to a nice place.
[831] We get a, and then you and I take a little stroll afterwards.
[832] We lose the ladies.
[833] You and I walk along the ocean in Santa Monica.
[834] We look at the moon for a little while.
[835] The way.
[836] The fellas do and it's a nice way to digest i'm digesting it right now people will say yeah there's harrison ford and who's that tall lady with him he's taken a new lover why is he out on the town with that very strange tall woman and why are our wives.
[837] Why are they not including?
[838] Yeah.
[839] Why are they letting it happen?
[840] Yeah.
[841] They're better than that.
[842] Yes, they are.
[843] They're both married up.
[844] Harrison, I want to say in all sincerity, and I, you do not.
[845] This is it, huh?
[846] You're not someone who encourages, you know, sincerity because so much foolishness and laughing, but I'm not kidding when I say that people turned up today who I haven't seen in a long time.
[847] Like me. Just to watch you walk through the door and you mean the absolute world to people.
[848] And you should have been in this room last week when it was confirmed that you were coming on the podcast.
[849] I believe Matt openly wept.
[850] Blade jumped out a window.
[851] Sona took an edible, but she does anyway.
[852] I do that regularly.
[853] Yeah, she's pretty high.
[854] Although I am excited you're here.
[855] Yeah.
[856] Yeah.
[857] She's a major.
[858] Yeah.
[859] Yeah, she's got a problem.
[860] Okay, not that.
[861] Yeah.
[862] We all have an edible from time to time.
[863] You don't do that.
[864] No, I don't.
[865] Yeah.
[866] I wish I did.
[867] I think I could be good for me. But my point, Harrison, and I eventually do get to my point.
[868] My listeners will tell you that, is that it was an absolute joy having you here.
[869] And I will say, again, you're one of my favorite funny people.
[870] You are so funny in an original dry way and you're just the whole way you come across.
[871] I've always loved having him on the show.
[872] Always.
[873] And I love now, too, that in shrinking, people get to see you be so hilariously funny.
[874] Nope, wasn't written down.
[875] That was all genuine.
[876] No, it's 10 times now.
[877] I've done you 10 times.
[878] I've done you 10 times.
[879] Yeah, you are done.
[880] That's it?
[881] 10?
[882] No, just for me. If this one...
[883] Hey, if this were it, I would be quite happy.
[884] I would be quite happy with that.
[885] Seriously, it's...
[886] No, it was fun for me, too.
[887] You know what?
[888] It's an honor to know you and a blast, and God, you make me laugh.
[889] So, thank you very much for doing this.
[890] And I'll be by in about 48 hours.
[891] I'm counting on it.
[892] No, you'll be there waiting to turn you away.
[893] You could turn me away.
[894] Personally, turn me away.
[895] It's been a while since in the old days, they would throw a guy out of a bar by grabbing the back of his shirt and his belt and throw him out.
[896] That is how Harrison is going to throw me off of his property.
[897] What a way to go.
[898] Man, no, nothing like that.
[899] You're a big guy.
[900] I'm an old man. I hope you could beat this shit out of me. Trust me. Yeah.
[901] I say we never do this, but round of applause for Harrison Ford.
[902] Thank you, sir.
[903] Seriously.
[904] Thank you.
[905] Yeah.
[906] That's all I got.
[907] That's it?
[908] You're free to go.
[909] Okay.
[910] I hope you enjoyed yourself.
[911] Right.
[912] I don't know why you're crying.
[913] I'm happy.
[914] Oh, good.
[915] I'm glad I came.
[916] Thank you.
[917] Thank you for being here.
[918] And you got a friend.
[919] Thank you.
[920] That's so nice.
[921] Thank you very much.
[922] That means a lot to me. Thank you.
[923] What about us?
[924] Yeah.
[925] Don't push it.
[926] No. No. I think that's a smart choice.
[927] Honestly.
[928] I respect that.
[929] Sona, this is big news.
[930] You're giving the.
[931] commencement speech for the Mount San Antonio, informally known as Mount Sack College commencement?
[932] No, I'm not giving the commencement address.
[933] It's a two -minute speech.
[934] Okay.
[935] Wait, I thought you were giving the commencement address.
[936] No, I'm, I'm alumna of the year.
[937] Uh -huh.
[938] Hey, congratulations.
[939] Congratulations.
[940] I don't like the way you said that.
[941] Did they, didn't it, is that more?
[942] That was, I was congratulating.
[943] Well, sincerely.
[944] I think that was delivered sincerely with the understanding that an insult was to follow.
[945] Yes, thank you.
[946] Yeah, but later, like in 20 minutes.
[947] Okay, all right.
[948] And unrelated to this.
[949] No, Sona, I really am honestly proud of you.
[950] Thank you.
[951] I'm very proud of you've accomplished a lot.
[952] And I'm, I was saying a nice thing to you.
[953] That's nice.
[954] I honestly was.
[955] It's, I, the way you said it was just very, I'm sorry.
[956] Thank you.
[957] Sorry, sorry, but it was, you had a tone.
[958] That's my nasal voice.
[959] I can't help it.
[960] You're like, you had a tone and your lips were thin and your eyes were beating.
[961] Yeah, that's me. I can't help that.
[962] No, but they named me alumna of the year.
[963] I went to a community college before I transferred to USC.
[964] I'm very proud of my time there.
[965] And then they named me alumna of the year, and you did an interview for the video they're going to show at commencement.
[966] And I found out recently there's going to be like 12 ,000 people there.
[967] 12 ,000.
[968] That's a big crowd.
[969] Yeah.
[970] That's a big crowd.
[971] I know.
[972] But wait a minute.
[973] You're always talking about how you were, You were a speech champion?
[974] Yes, national speech champion.
[975] You bring that up all the time.
[976] You bring that up when they pull you over for a DUI.
[977] You're like, now is national speech fan.
[978] All right, you're free to go.
[979] Here's some more alcohol.
[980] Thank you, officer.
[981] The officer gives me alcohol.
[982] Hair of the dog.
[983] Yeah.
[984] We didn't realize you were national speech champion.
[985] Here's much more vodka.
[986] Thank you, Thoffetzer.
[987] Well, it's officer, not Thumpfacer, but I still refuse.
[988] to give you a blood alcohol test.
[989] So I think you're going to be fine.
[990] Do you know what you're going to talk about?
[991] Yeah, give us the first line.
[992] Give us a little preview.
[993] Well, I'm doing it in a, they built a brand new stadium that we're going to have the graduation in.
[994] I thought you said I'm doing it in an accent.
[995] No, no, no, no. They built this brand new stadium at the school.
[996] So my first line is, thanks for building this stadium for me. That's good.
[997] I like that.
[998] That's great.
[999] It's stupid.
[1000] That's stupid.
[1001] But there's not like a lot of jokes.
[1002] It's not like, you got to have jokes.
[1003] Will you write it for me?
[1004] well you've done you've done two i won't i won't write them for you all right because there's a writer's guild strike so i refuse to help you with this i thought and i hope you bomb go wGA yeah you're producer you ruthless stab producer i thought you couldn't write shows and stuff you could write a commencement address i think i can it's a union it's a union it's me it's just a two minute speech you're the man you're the man yeah you know what you are i'm sick of your boot on my throat yeah you've written Why don't you get AI to write it, you asshole?
[1005] I know I should.
[1006] You should get AI to do it.
[1007] But you've written two of like really well -known commencement addresses that were like longer than two minutes.
[1008] Can I borrow from your Harvard Class Day speech or Dartmouth address?
[1009] No, you cannot.
[1010] But also, how much time did you say you have?
[1011] Two minutes?
[1012] There's no such thing as a speech that's two minutes long.
[1013] Are you sure they're being square with you?
[1014] You're not just introducing someone?
[1015] No, but there's a three -minute video, and then there's a two -minute.
[1016] They get five minutes.
[1017] I'm just like this little blip.
[1018] Can I say something?
[1019] They say two minutes, but you're going to take more than two minutes because there's no such thing as a two -minute speech.
[1020] Oh, well, I wrote a two -minute.
[1021] That's called ordering a pizza.
[1022] Okay.
[1023] You know?
[1024] Not a bad idea.
[1025] Yeah, but still, that's high.
[1026] Why can't I just take stuff that you wrote?
[1027] Well, it won't match.
[1028] Okay.
[1029] You know, you'll be.
[1030] But also, it just won't match your personal experience.
[1031] You come from, you have such a. different background than me. And you have a great story to tell coming to this country.
[1032] Oh, come on.
[1033] A boat that you made out of brillo pads sewn together with beeswax that had been dried and turned into twine.
[1034] You forged a path across a mighty sea.
[1035] You have a great story to tell.
[1036] And also, what I think is very cool, and I'm being sincere here, is, you know, you start at this community college and look what you've achieved.
[1037] I think that's.
[1038] That's very cool.
[1039] It is.
[1040] And I'm shocked because there's a lot of really impressive alumni that have come out of there.
[1041] So when they first said I was the alumna of the year, I was like, I was like, why?
[1042] Who are they?
[1043] Are there anyone we'd know?
[1044] No. Oh.
[1045] I have to be honest with you, though, though.
[1046] I think it's, I think it'll be an inspiration for all of them to see you because you do have a lot of fans and you are an impressive person.
[1047] And I think I, and I'll tell you, I think it's also, you know, um, Good for these people to see you're, I think you're still able to connect to young people.
[1048] I think you're very youthful person.
[1049] So it's not, you're not a stodgy old person saying, now let me tell you something when I was a boy, you know.
[1050] I mean, first of all, you shouldn't say when you were a boy because you weren't.
[1051] But I think it's going to go really well.
[1052] I'm proud of you.
[1053] I've gone, thank you.
[1054] I've gone back to Mount Sack a few times to talk to the students.
[1055] And I can't tell you how many people love you, which I was surprised.
[1056] I don't say that.
[1057] And these are educated people?
[1058] Well, when she says people, she means some of the farm animals hanging out in the agricultural lab.
[1059] They're super young and they're like not that, you know, I know I'm like saying, I just, I always think that they're just like into like Taylor Swift and like Billy Ilish and like, yeah, you know.
[1060] There's big crossover between my fans and Billy Irish fans and Taylor Swift fans.
[1061] I'm convinced of that.
[1062] No. Just because you convinced yourself doesn't mean.
[1063] That is true.
[1064] On her current tour, Taylor often starts the show by saying, how many Conan fans we got in the crowd?
[1065] And the place erupts.
[1066] Okay.
[1067] I've not seen any footage of that at all.
[1068] I haven't seen it either.
[1069] And I haven't even heard about it, but I'm pretty sure it's happening.
[1070] Because of my power to deceive myself is absolutely incredible.
[1071] That's impressive.
[1072] Conifty's.
[1073] No, so this is, yeah, conifty's are the, I'm a conifty.
[1074] Excuse me, what's that?
[1075] A Taylor Swift fan who's also who's also.
[1076] Cohner O 'Brien fan.
[1077] Okay, how many are there?
[1078] I said I'm a co -nifty.
[1079] I'm the co -nifty.
[1080] That's what it should be.
[1081] Are you the, and you know what?
[1082] It's like this rare bird that no one's seen in a thousand years.
[1083] Are you the conifty?
[1084] Someone who loves Taylor Swift, but also loves that fringe weirdo.
[1085] They photoshopped a picture of the two of you, like just together hanging out.
[1086] Yeah, yep, yep.
[1087] Co -nifty.
[1088] So cool.
[1089] Well, when is it happening?
[1090] It's happening very soon.
[1091] It's happening, well, by the time the audience hears this, it will have already happened on June 9th.
[1092] Okay, all right.
[1093] But it hasn't happened yet in this reality.
[1094] Okay.
[1095] No. Do you get to wear a gown and a mortarboard and all that?
[1096] Yeah.
[1097] That's nice.
[1098] I know.
[1099] That's going to be cool.
[1100] Do you get a special, like, scarf of some kind of, like in nexium?
[1101] I have no idea.
[1102] Are they going to give you any kind of doctorate?
[1103] Do you get a doctorate?
[1104] Come on.
[1105] I don't know.
[1106] You got an honorary doctorate?
[1107] I'm not sure.
[1108] I think from Dartmouth they said something.
[1109] I don't know.
[1110] I don't be coy.
[1111] I'm not being coy.
[1112] I honestly don't know.
[1113] They put something around my, we got to look up what I got.
[1114] I'm pretty sure he got a doctorate.
[1115] Yeah, but I know that it was, I wanted it to be an oral surgeon.
[1116] I wanted to actually be a doctor afterwards and then be able to open up.
[1117] Doctor of arts.
[1118] I'm a doctor of arts.
[1119] Oh, Jesus.
[1120] I'm a doctor of arts.
[1121] Come on.
[1122] Motherfuckers.
[1123] Is there a doctor?
[1124] I wish I, next time I went on an airplane and something happens to the goal like, is there a doctor here?
[1125] Hello!
[1126] I am a doctor of arts from Dutchmeth.
[1127] And I'm going to push my way to the front.
[1128] Well, this person seems to be having a heart attack.
[1129] Have you got a book?
[1130] Maybe Fackere?
[1131] Or one of the Bronte sisters?
[1132] Care to talk about the contraposto of the statue, David?
[1133] Because on those matters, I'm good to go.
[1134] He's not.
[1135] He's dead.
[1136] He's dead.
[1137] He died while you were talking about the Brontes.
[1138] Well, I did what I could.
[1139] I suppose that makes me some kind of hero.
[1140] Excuse me, I'm an actual doctor and I couldn't get up here because this asshole was blocking the aisle.
[1141] I'm actually a pulmonary specialist.
[1142] I could have saved this man by doing chest compressions.
[1143] That's all well and good.
[1144] But I got here first because I'm a doctor of the arts.
[1145] Well, all right.
[1146] Let's wrap it up, gang.
[1147] Congratulations, Sonny.
[1148] Congratulations to those students.
[1149] And you know what?
[1150] My advice to you is, enjoy it.
[1151] That's a moment.
[1152] When you're up there, take it in.
[1153] And don't, you have a tendency to go, oh, no, take it in.
[1154] That's a really nice moment.
[1155] They'll be thrilled that you're there and enjoy it.
[1156] And we're really proud of you.
[1157] Oh, that's very cool.
[1158] Thanks, guys.
[1159] All right.
[1160] Peace out.
[1161] Tupac.
[1162] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[1163] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[1164] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1165] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1166] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1167] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1168] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1169] Engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
[1170] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find you might find.
[1171] find your review read on a future episode.
[1172] Got a question for Conan?
[1173] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
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[1175] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.