Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is Taylor Tomlinson, and I feel thrilled about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[1] That's really sweet.
[2] That's very nice.
[3] Fall is here, hear the yell, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.
[4] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[5] We are going to be friends.
[6] Hey there, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend and got my two chums with me right here.
[7] Hi.
[8] Oh, sorry, let me put my glasses on.
[9] Oh, Matt, you're here too.
[10] Gosh.
[11] No, Matt Gourley, of course, here and Sonam Obsessian.
[12] Yeah.
[13] How are you?
[14] I'm doing great.
[15] How are you?
[16] I'm doing great.
[17] Are you?
[18] I am.
[19] Okay.
[20] A lot of people are asking me, how do I feel?
[21] Are you okay?
[22] I am fine.
[23] You ate a lot of spicy food on hot ones.
[24] Yes.
[25] I went on the show Hot Ones And I did not I was aware of the show Obviously it's a very successful show I hadn't really Can't say I was an expert on the show I went in thinking Well whatever happens I just have to eat all the wings And just go for it And make a fool of myself And so that's I kind of had that plan in mind But didn't know much beyond that The host very good Excellent I like that guy a lot He's very good interviewer And they do a really good job on that show.
[26] So Sean's asking me questions and I was just determined to just keep stuffing these wings in no matter what.
[27] And then of course, me being me, I start drinking the sauce and rubbing it around on my face and my chest and everything.
[28] And so when I walk around now, because a lot of people have seen this, people keep asking me if I'm okay.
[29] I wonder the same thing.
[30] Well, I also just watched Conan Muskgo, which is fantastic, by the way.
[31] And in Thailand, you get pretty floored, albeit comedically, by some sauce.
[32] So I thought you're going to go down down when I see hot ones.
[33] Yeah.
[34] No, well, we played that up for comedy, and then, and, and you're allowed to, in a sketch world or comedy world, you can fake things a little bit.
[35] I'm aware of.
[36] Yes.
[37] Is that how comedy works?
[38] Well, really, I really, when I look at you two, I think an explanation might be in order.
[39] So what's the deal?
[40] Do you not have taste buds or something?
[41] How did you do that?
[42] I have never seen you eat spicy food.
[43] I don't eat spicy food.
[44] You know, there's people who like put Tabasco or Tapadillo on.
[45] stuff.
[46] I've had so many meals with you and I've never seen you eat spicy food.
[47] I have a theory is that the only thing worse than that amount of thermal spice would be you not somehow getting the attention that eating all of that would give you.
[48] Yes.
[49] And all joking aside, and also I've had a bunch of people posit that I have the red -haired gene.
[50] You know, when I go to the dentist and they give me Novacane, they then go to drill and it's like I haven't had Novacane.
[51] And I'm always saying I feel everything right now and they would and they always say oh yeah you're a redhead i don't know if that's but i've had many dentists say that to me and they keep they give me a lot more and they say the redheads have uh whatever higher pain threshold or something i don't know what it is meaning you feel less pain you feel more pain i don't well you don't feel i don't know i don't know exactly how it works and i'm just freewheeling here i just know what i've been told by people i don't think it's it i think you have it matt which is i've always been if i think something will be funny I'll do it and deal with it later.
[52] And did you?
[53] Yeah, I did deal with it later.
[54] I was dealt with later.
[55] How did it manifest itself?
[56] I spot welded an iron.
[57] I spot welded it.
[58] We're all thinking the same thing.
[59] I spot welded.
[60] I went to it.
[61] I wanted it to be useful.
[62] And how much did you shit?
[63] How much did your butt hurt?
[64] Here's what I decided to do.
[65] And do your butt taste buds.
[66] Here's what I decided to do.
[67] I decided that I wanted, after I ingested all that, I wanted it to be useful.
[68] So I found a construction site where they were doing spot welding.
[69] And I went there and I said, gentlemen, if you want, I can weld these girders for you in about, I'm guessing about 15 minutes.
[70] You'll need to avert your eyes because I'll be dropping my pants.
[71] And they said, okay, and I said, I will need someone to stay behind and light it.
[72] and then we'll be all set to go.
[73] So there's a building in the Midwilshire district that's going up, and I think I did about 65 rivets in the building, and people were driving by saying, Conan O 'Brien's pants around his ankles, and I think fire is shooting out of his ass, and he's welding a building.
[74] And here's the biggest problem.
[75] I had to join the union.
[76] But that way everybody wins There's a building and trust me That section of the building will never fall That's the best And they've had an engineer say whoever did this These are heat temperatures we've never seen So every time you're going to weld something You just have to eat a lot of hot wings Yes, I'm in the union now And all I have to do is I've got all the sauces from hot ones You are the saddest X -Man ever Yeah Meet the X -Men.
[77] Really?
[78] He's on the X -Men?
[79] What do we do with it?
[80] His name's Asweld.
[81] And you know what it is?
[82] I have a bandolier, and instead of ammunition, it's just sauces.
[83] And they're like, what are we going to do?
[84] How are we going to get out of this thing?
[85] The bad guys have sealed us in this lead safe.
[86] Hold on a second.
[87] You have to pull your pants down?
[88] You have to pull your pants down.
[89] Does your uniform have a compartment?
[90] Oh, yeah.
[91] The uniform has what's actually, it's a very tiny flap that's the exact circumference of an anus.
[92] It's a tiny circle that unflaps and then just a beam of the whitest light you've ever seen comes out.
[93] A phosphorus.
[94] A phosphorus, yeah.
[95] And everyone has to put on welding goggles.
[96] Oh, God.
[97] But no, I did.
[98] Well, if you've known, like, there are many times where I've done, I would do sketch.
[99] And they would, if I think it's funny to get thrown out of a window, even at my age, I will say, no, no, no, I want to do it.
[100] Jeff Ross always goes, oh, come on, come on.
[101] Don't.
[102] Let's go down.
[103] I'm like, no, no, I want to do it.
[104] You're the Tom Cruise of Comedy, where he does action that way.
[105] You will do comedy that way.
[106] Yeah, but he does it well.
[107] And he does cool things.
[108] But I love to still, because I don't know, I was in a lot of brothers and I like to be tossed around.
[109] I like to smash through things.
[110] I'm very happy to do it and then if I feel something give I'll just keep doing it if I think people are laughing and we used to have years on the show it would always come out in animal segments because people would come and they would bring I don't love I get creeped out around snakes and I get creeped out around insects and spiders they would bring them and I would say oh no no just put it on my forehead and I would do it because audiences really liked it and I knew oh in a single this is funny But in real life, if there's no one there to laugh at it, I would be horrified and never do it.
[111] So what was the immediate response to the being on was I think my eyes were incredibly runny and my mouth really hurt.
[112] The thing that was the most interesting is that my wedding ring, some sauce, because I was rubbing my hands around in the sauce.
[113] Yeah, you rubbed it on your nipples.
[114] And some got, because you washed your hands right.
[115] afterwards, but some of the sauce got underneath my wedding ring, David Hopping was driving me home.
[116] And he was like, are you, are you okay?
[117] And I'm like, I'm fine.
[118] But I noticed that my wedding ring was burning.
[119] And it hasn't, well, it hasn't burned like that since they put it on me at the altar.
[120] Take that, Eliza.
[121] It was burning and burning.
[122] And then I took it off.
[123] And I saw like, oh, right, there's acid underneath it.
[124] So, but the craziest thing about that is that the hot ones generated all these nice things that people were saying online and retrospective about, oh, I really like the thing Conan did in 98.
[125] I like the thing he did in 2004, which is all very sweet.
[126] But I had a bunch of friends who saw my name all over Twitter.
[127] And the first assumption is he's dead.
[128] So I did have people say, oh, my God, I thought, finally.
[129] We can all talk now.
[130] Liza immediately got into another relationship.
[131] Immediately.
[132] She has a guy on deck.
[133] Yeah.
[134] For sure.
[135] Oh, yeah.
[136] Can I also say Jose was so funny as the doctor?
[137] Oh, I mean, he really made me laugh a lot.
[138] So this is the story of that.
[139] Jose Arroyo is extremely talented comedy writer.
[140] And Jose's been a writer for me for years, and he's worked on travel shows and the show.
[141] And he's just, he's brilliant.
[142] Jose is brilliant, and I love him to death.
[143] Jose, whenever we did a sketch where someone had to be in a white coat and be an authority, figure like a scientist or a doctor, Jose would play that.
[144] And so I, the day before or maybe two days before Hot Ones, I thought, I don't think anyone's done this, but I want to show up with my physician, Dr. Arroyo.
[145] So I call Jose.
[146] And I said, Jose, I'm going to go on this show, Hot Ones.
[147] He's like, yeah, I know Hot Ones.
[148] And I said, and I love Jose because he just knows exactly.
[149] I went, and so I want to bring you on.
[150] He's like, yeah, yeah, you're doctor.
[151] Uh -huh.
[152] And I said, and I said, you know, we're not even doing a show.
[153] You know, Jose's, not working for me, technically right now.
[154] I said, do you have a lab coat?
[155] And he went, yeah, I have a medical coat, yeah.
[156] And he's not a doctor.
[157] And he's like, and he's got a stethoscope because he knows.
[158] And if anyone wants to see him, one of the reasons I really wanted him to do that was because Jose, we shot a segment.
[159] We did a travel show in Australia and we're on Bondi Beach, which is, and there's that iconic shot.
[160] There's that famous lifeguard show that's from Bondi Beach.
[161] And so I wanted to train to be a lifeguard there.
[162] so we got an iconic shot of me running on the beach in slow motion and then you widen out and I'm running with my dermatologist in slow motion who's running alongside me and it was Jose in full Dr. Arroyal regalia.
[163] So if you want to see a very funny clip look up, this must be out there somewhere.
[164] Yeah, the funniest line he had on the hot ones was so many.
[165] You go like, what did you study?
[166] And he goes, in the 90s.
[167] In the 90s.
[168] Yeah, where did you?
[169] Where did you study?
[170] Yeah, where did you go school in the 90s.
[171] No, yeah, in 1990.
[172] Or when he checks your pulse and he just chokes you.
[173] Yeah, he says it's, it's, it's, no, he is, he is so funny and eternal thanks to Jose Arroyo and also just another, he is brilliant across the board.
[174] He's a great writer, but he's also a really funny cartoonist.
[175] He's had cartoons in the New Yorkers a couple of times.
[176] I think one, one time I gave an idea for a cartoon and he drew it up and submitted it under both our initials and it got in, and I was like, I was delighted.
[177] is a force.
[178] I just wanted to quickly ask, was there a moment at which you were like, this is a bad idea while you were doing it?
[179] No, I don't know.
[180] I got through a bunch of the wings and I thought, I can do this.
[181] And even if I can't do it, I'm going to do it.
[182] Does that make sense?
[183] You're in the zone.
[184] Because early on, I'm taunting Sean.
[185] Oh, baby, you think, and so once you do that, there's only one way you can go.
[186] You can't stop after the fourth wing and then start talking about, you know, I'm really like, excited about my new project.
[187] Did I have to smash everything?
[188] Probably not.
[189] Did I have to rant and have milk come out my mouth?
[190] Not sure.
[191] Yeah.
[192] But those are things that you do so that your children never look you in the eye again.
[193] Anyway, we should get into the show because we have a wonderful show.
[194] My guest today is a hilarious comedian.
[195] So funny, she does not have to resort.
[196] Bullshittery.
[197] She hosts After Midnight Weeknights on CBS, her latest special.
[198] Have It All is now streaming on Netflix.
[199] I am thrilled.
[200] She's here today.
[201] Taylor Tomlinson, welcome.
[202] I have a very clear memory of the first time I met you, which is you showed up on the tour.
[203] I don't remember which city it was, but they said Taylor's here and she's not well.
[204] You were really sick with some bug.
[205] And I went back and you were about as sick as anyone I've ever seen.
[206] Right.
[207] You were quite ill. And I was like, oh, my God, this poor woman.
[208] Physically and mentally.
[209] Physically and mentally.
[210] But we mean physically in this case.
[211] And they said you were fine before I walked in.
[212] And then, no, but you were really sick.
[213] And then I said, are you okay to do it?
[214] And you went, yep, I'm fine.
[215] And then you went out and killed it.
[216] You were very young.
[217] I mean, you're still really young, especially.
[218] Yeah, you are.
[219] What are you talking about?
[220] I'm 30.
[221] I feel like it's over.
[222] Okay.
[223] 30's not like young anymore.
[224] to me it is you're an embryo you're a frozen egg as far as I'm concerned I just have to keep clearing milestones in order for people to think I'm young they're like you're young for like a late night host yeah there you go yeah I watched your first episode this morning on YouTube because you were 30 right I was I had just turned 30 yeah same and I you had the little calendar and it was September 1993 yeah so six weeks before I was born oh that's so crazy isn't that crazy well see I think that puts into context just how young you are that my career, my show started six months before you were born.
[225] But I remembered you having, I was really impressed with, obviously you had just amazing material, but you would march out there and you were at the time 20, 21, a long time ago.
[226] I was 24, I think.
[227] And I had done your show.
[228] You had done my show, but you marched out, killed it, walked off stage, was a long time ago.
[229] I was 24.
[230] I think.
[231] I was 24.
[232] I had done your show.
[233] I was 23.
[234] No, you had done my show, but you marched out, killed it, walked off stage.
[235] was really sick.
[236] And I was very impressed.
[237] I said this to you in the hall and I said to myself, say that again on Mike, but I want to congratulate you for like 15 things because you've just did your third Netflix special.
[238] You have a late night show.
[239] People have found you.
[240] You made this whole thing happen.
[241] I'm so happy for you.
[242] I want to start on that like nice note and then we'll devolve into petty grievances.
[243] That's so nice.
[244] That's really lovely.
[245] But also you've, you're terrific.
[246] You're absolutely fantastic.
[247] And I was just, I don't know, I'm just everything that's been happening for you.
[248] I just am watching now from the sidelines and just saying, oh my God, yes, go Taylor, go.
[249] This is totally deserved.
[250] This is the right.
[251] All the best things are happening to someone good.
[252] And that doesn't always happen.
[253] Oh, that's really nice.
[254] We're going to cut all this out, right?
[255] No, no, yeah.
[256] We're not, we're not recording.
[257] All these compliments.
[258] Oh, terrific.
[259] I don't even mean any of this.
[260] I'm practicing for someone I really like.
[261] We have real stars coming on later this week.
[262] This is sort of a warm -up app for me. This is for one of the Wayans brothers.
[263] You know, I've just got this whole thing memorized.
[264] I don't even know which one.
[265] It kind of can go with any Wayans.
[266] When you were doing your show, did you ever have episodes where you're like, oh, thank God, I'm not nervous to talk to this person at all.
[267] Like, however this goes, it's fine.
[268] Yeah.
[269] Yeah.
[270] Yeah.
[271] Well, it's funny because I can talk shop with you, which I love.
[272] I mean, there's so many things to talk about.
[273] I loved the special that you just did for Netflix and thought there were so many, so many great jokes.
[274] You had this thing that you said at one point.
[275] My brother is trans.
[276] My sister is gay and I identify as afraid.
[277] And I thought, well, you really watched it.
[278] Yeah.
[279] No, I was.
[280] You know, you started, you're like, it was great.
[281] It was so you.
[282] And I'm like, me, I know.
[283] I watched it.
[284] Well, no, I really identified with, you tell a story in your special.
[285] I'm wary sometimes to not give away stuff, but you tell a story that's really funny about Hugh Jackman.
[286] And I was watching it and I was really laughing because you're talking about how he's like a surreal, ethereal creature, you know, not of this earth.
[287] And I have my own Hugh Jackman story, which is not part of a Netflix special.
[288] I pitched it many times.
[289] You'll get there.
[290] No. You'll get there.
[291] Don't worry.
[292] They said, I think the quote is, no appetite for Conan.
[293] on the algorithm, but I mean, I've already given it away, but I was in a gym.
[294] I was in Atlanta on some job and in a hotel and I found out they had a gym and I'm like, I don't know, go, you know, I'm trying to take care of myself lately.
[295] I'm going to hit the gym.
[296] And I'm always inordinately proud of myself when I can hit the gym when I'm on the road or something.
[297] So I hit the gym and there's this machine where it sort of helps lift you up, but you're kind of using your body weight by not all your body weight.
[298] You know that one.
[299] And you're kind of going up and down and you're working your lats.
[300] And I'm like, I'm doing a really, and then I, in my peripheral vision, became aware that someone was doing what I was doing, but twice as fast and without the assistance of the little hydraulic thing, like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
[301] And I look over and I swear to God, it's Hugh Jackman.
[302] He's lifting his own body weight and he's got this perfect V -shaped torso.
[303] And he is the handsomest man you'll ever see.
[304] And he turns to me and he recognizes me because he'd been on the show a couple of times.
[305] He's just like, hey, how are you?
[306] Conan, good to see it.
[307] But didn't even break his stride.
[308] And I had a little hydraulic thing going like, I'll help you.
[309] And I just looked at his body and looked at mine.
[310] I think I called it quits.
[311] I think I tried to see if they would open the bar at 10 in the morning.
[312] But I mean, there's so many things in your special that I could relate to.
[313] And the thing that I love so much about your comedy is that you are so brutally honest, but it's always to a purpose.
[314] That's so nice.
[315] Again, this will all come out.
[316] Yeah, no, we'll get rid of.
[317] That's for Damon.
[318] That's for Damon Wayans.
[319] That's really, really nice.
[320] But, yeah, there's so much we can.
[321] I know.
[322] It's like hard to know where to start.
[323] I mean, I also have a lot of questions.
[324] Well, I would love you to ask questions because those are some of my favorite interviews because it's about me. Right.
[325] And how do I feel about Conan?
[326] I love him He's great No, you don't What's that?
[327] That's true I have a lot of misgivings about Conan But you are You are a lovely name drop For me When people were like Yeah, I love Conan I'm like And then I just put on sunglasses And start swirling wine And I'm like, He's exactly He's exactly what you want him to be He was just a great guy And they're like, you know Conan I'm like that We went on tour together We went on tour together We had some really good times We did some times on a bus.
[328] You, I don't know.
[329] It just felt to me like you arrived, fully formed, completely, like you had it all.
[330] It's not like, well, I saw you when that banana is still kind of green.
[331] It needs a little more time.
[332] Like, no, no, no. You were just ready to go.
[333] That's so nice.
[334] And what a great transition.
[335] Have it all streaming on Netflix.
[336] Had it all.
[337] Have it all.
[338] We'll probably lose it all.
[339] Yeah, that's really, really nice.
[340] Yeah, I mean, obviously, getting this late -night gig, which is so different than your show because it's like a fake game show and it's, you know, like a reimagining of at midnight.
[341] And there were a lot of people, because we did so much press after it was announced before we were actually doing the show.
[342] And so I did all these interviews where people, like, weren't totally sure what it was or like a lot of people online when it came out were like, we thought this was a talk show and CBS screwed Taylor Tomlinson.
[343] And I'm like, we were never, doing a talk show everybody like i i tour on the weekends like i'm not going to do a show monday through friday um but like it's funny because people keep saying like oh it's your show and i'm like it's really not like this is like if anything our show like it's such a great team of people and it's why i wanted to do the show because i wanted to like have these co -workers it was like yeah i'm like i want to have fun with all these people and make a new thing every day but like they were asking me questions like so when you designed the set I'm like I'm designed the set when you're booking the show I'm like I don't book the show they're like well when you hired the writers I'm like I didn't hire the writers and I want them to like me so bad I'm like I can't take credit for anything about this show I don't dress myself like I show up someone does my hair and makeup they put me in clothes I'm like an American girl doll but they just kind of cart around Like, I really, I'm like, everyone on that show, I think, probably has a harder job than I do.
[344] And also, like, I don't know if you felt this way.
[345] I mean, you were using cue cards, right?
[346] Yep.
[347] Okay, we have a teleprompter.
[348] It's like a little computer and they type out.
[349] It's like a cue card, but it's.
[350] So it's like some kind of, like a machine.
[351] You know, I never had a teleprompter ever.
[352] Never?
[353] No, because we changed things too much at the last second.
[354] And so we always did cards.
[355] And so I just - We changed things in the teleprompter.
[356] It's easier to just type it in, right?
[357] He says, they lied to me. They said, well, that can't happen on a prompter.
[358] I think it was they just didn't want to buy one.
[359] It was NBC and then Turner.
[360] They just didn't want to buy a prompter.
[361] Yeah, because I still have my Conan Q card because they give it to you when you do a late -night show, which was very nice.
[362] We want it back, by the way.
[363] Those things aren't cheap.
[364] Well, now I know that how hard it was.
[365] They're like, we got to cut a whole new one because you don't like that line.
[366] Every time we wrote a new joke, a tree fell in the forest somewhere.
[367] But when I started doing, when I did like the screen test and everything, and even when I started doing the show, everyone's like so impressed when you can read a teleprompter to a point where I was like, do people think I'm dumb?
[368] Like I know I didn't finish college, but not like you, I didn't finish Harvard, you know what I mean?
[369] Right.
[370] And I studied telepromptering.
[371] Yeah.
[372] But everyone was just like, it's really hard.
[373] Some people don't know how to read teleprompters.
[374] And I was like, okay, like, I'll take any credit you'll give me. But this was, again, I was, like, so nervous about it.
[375] I was practicing reading teleprompters on TikTok, local news anchors will do, like, now for a teleprompter challenge.
[376] And so I was just reading, like, five -car pile up on today's freeway, like, but in a funny way.
[377] I'm like, pretend like it's the show.
[378] And they're like, let's see how fast you can read it.
[379] There's all these little things.
[380] And then there's the big thing, the thing that no one's thinking about.
[381] is the advice you get, this is the biggest name drop of all time, for my generation anyway, but just before I started, I got to meet Johnny Carson, and he knew that I was going to be taking over the late night show.
[382] And he said, just be yourself.
[383] And I was like, okay, then I did the show for a couple of months and no one liked it.
[384] And I always pictured that Johnny Carson would call me and say, I didn't know that that was you.
[385] Have you tried being me?
[386] Maybe find someone else to be, yeah, be me. But I always realize that it's more complicated than just be yourself because it's just be yourself in the most artificial environment in the world, which is three, two, one, and Taylor, go.
[387] Yeah.
[388] And it just took me a long time to realize, oh, this is the skill is I need to figure out how can I just be this person that I am.
[389] I didn't want to be a fake person.
[390] I wanted to be a real person, but in a freakish environment.
[391] Yeah.
[392] Yeah, no, I definitely.
[393] I mean I say to the live audience we have in studio sometimes because I'll be like playing off the comedians we have on the show and then I have to go to the next game which is me reading the teleprompter and so we're like oh yeah it's great and then I go all right I have to go back into teleprompter again and I know it's going to feel jarring to just be like and yeah totally and we know each other in today's internet news and it just feels but you're like okay just everyone I know to and it's going to cut together great Honestly, the best thing Colbert said to me is before, I think the week before we air.
[394] This is Stephen Colbert.
[395] Okay, because I know.
[396] I can't call him Stephen.
[397] No, no, I just, disrespectful.
[398] I only say that because I don't feel people know him.
[399] And the word's not out, but it's Stephen Colbert.
[400] And he has the show that's on before Taylor.
[401] And it's, it's fun.
[402] Anyway, go ahead.
[403] And shout out to Stephen.
[404] know he's a huge, he likes to just sit, I think, in a parking lot in his hometown and just listen to this podcast over and over again.
[405] He's...
[406] I heard it was a hot tub.
[407] It's a hot tub.
[408] Yeah.
[409] He's a hot tub in his car in a parking lot.
[410] Anyway, it's all very sad.
[411] But anyway, what did Stephen Colbert tell you?
[412] Stephen Colbert.
[413] I remember we were at dinner the week before the show came on.
[414] And he gave me a lot of great advice and he has the entire time.
[415] But one thing he said that was really helpful is he goes, you don't have to be as good as you think you have to.
[416] to be, like, right away.
[417] He's like, as a host of a late -night show, like, people are just happy to see you.
[418] Like, people just want to hang out with you at night.
[419] Like, you don't have to be hilarious every second.
[420] And I was like, oh, okay, great.
[421] Then I won't even try.
[422] Like, that's awesome.
[423] I think that philosophy has really hurt Steven.
[424] I just want to say.
[425] Because every time I see a show, I think he's not even trying.
[426] And this needs to be better.
[427] And I've told him, we're friends.
[428] I tell him this all the time.
[429] But he's always saying, no, I don't have to try.
[430] It's okay.
[431] just happy to see me. I'm like, no. Raise the bar, man. Well, that's the other thing, too, is like, he's, like, for example, he was like, so you should go out before the show and, like, talk to the audience and, like, build some rapport and, like, you know, ask if anyone has any questions.
[432] And I did that for the first couple weeks.
[433] And I haven't said this to him, but I probably should, like, I told other people, I was like, I don't know if Stephen realizes he's much more famous than I am.
[434] So people have questions for Stephen.
[435] Before his show, they're like, oh, thank God, he's going to talk to us.
[436] And when I'm like, does anyone have any questions?
[437] They're like, we know where the bathroom is.
[438] We're good.
[439] Like, can you just get on with it?
[440] You know what?
[441] You now made me really want to go and sit at the audience of Stephen's show and put my hand up and ask where the bathroom is.
[442] I really want to do that.
[443] Because people in his audience come with questions for him specifically, and I go up and I'm like, anybody have anything?
[444] And they're like, not really.
[445] And I was like, great.
[446] I was also going to ask, because you didn't go into dressing rooms before the show, right?
[447] I did.
[448] Oh, you did.
[449] Okay.
[450] Never came into mine.
[451] Did the show twice.
[452] Never said hi.
[453] But that's okay.
[454] I was a stand -up.
[455] No, I will tell you why.
[456] When it was women, I was told sometimes that my appearances were abrupt.
[457] And it almost looked like I was trying to catch them.
[458] So I got a talking to.
[459] Remember, Sona, you talked to me. You were the one.
[460] Yeah, I was.
[461] I was like, stop just barge.
[462] With the men you knock and then you come in and with the women, you kick the door open and go, what's going on?
[463] No, I wouldn't do it all the time, but I would, sometimes I thought if there was a guest, especially if there was a guest that I wasn't sure what the chemistry was going to be.
[464] I wanted to go in first and get a reading of like, what is art?
[465] And you can tell.
[466] You can go in.
[467] And if I had a difficult time, I remember going in and, well, I can say, Lance, Armstrong, years before his, you know, scandal.
[468] He was on the show and he was like the biggest, you know, thing in cycling and one of the biggest figures in sports.
[469] And I was excited to have him on.
[470] I didn't know anything about him personally.
[471] And I went in to talk to him and he was very, just kind of felt like he had a chip on his shoulder and I couldn't connect.
[472] And I can, I can connect with a burnt out light bulb if I have to.
[473] Like I can, I can really connect if I, and I couldn't figure it out.
[474] Lance, I have chemistry with everyone.
[475] Yeah, I know.
[476] This is not on me. But I just, I said, yeah, your chemistry seems altered.
[477] Oh, boy.
[478] But no, I left the room and, you know, my producer was eating a bowl of soup and went, what's going on?
[479] And I said, Jeff, I don't know.
[480] I don't know about it with Lance Armstrong.
[481] And he was like, oh, I'm sure it'll be good.
[482] Slurp, slurp.
[483] And so then I, you know, we had the interview and I felt the same thing.
[484] Yeah.
[485] You know, it's not anyone would look at it now and go like, oh, it's fine.
[486] But I couldn't, I couldn't figure it out.
[487] And I like to go in sometimes, sometimes there are a people.
[488] people who were really nervous, really nervous, and sometimes surprising because extremely famous actors, I'm a huge, I mean, I love Joaquin Phoenix.
[489] I love him.
[490] I think he's a terrific actor.
[491] And I think he was, what a lot of people forget is that these people have a different skill, which is he's an amazing actor.
[492] But at that stage, anyway, he would come on the show.
[493] And it was, he didn't do a lot of talk shows.
[494] And I remember he was really nervous.
[495] So I would go in and just talk to him and he would say, this is crazy.
[496] I can't do this.
[497] And I thought, what are you talking about?
[498] You're an iconic young actor.
[499] They're going to be so happy to see you.
[500] But it was not his process to go out and just shoot the shit with someone.
[501] So sometimes I would go in and just let them know, first of all, the stakes are really low.
[502] It's just you and me. I like to take care of people and we're going to have, we're going to have a good time.
[503] And that would help if we had a relationship prior to them coming out.
[504] Yeah.
[505] I'm horrified to find out you did go into everyone's dressing rooms except for mine.
[506] Not yours.
[507] Again, it was an HR issue.
[508] Yeah, I only did it twice.
[509] It's fine.
[510] Third time is when I go in.
[511] Tom Hanks came on many times.
[512] First two times I wouldn't go in.
[513] It was always you got to be third time.
[514] But like Kelly Clarkson doesn't go in.
[515] I'm it doesn't go into mine.
[516] You know, now I don't know.
[517] Can I just say not to bum you up, but Kelly Clarkson walk.
[518] in here all the time just walks in to check in on us she stops by my house sometimes no I know I know she's incredible she inflated the tires on my on my mountain bike but both times I did I did her show twice and both times like she just makes you feel so comfortable immediately on stage so you're like oh yeah it's fine and the same way you did but like yeah it I think everyone just has their own you know process and so it's it's been interesting like in the first month that we're doing it trying to find how it works best for me everyone's got their own way uh some people, I know Letterman never went in and talked to anybody.
[519] And I think he just wanted to keep it all fresh.
[520] But I, it's all what serves you.
[521] As you go through it, you're going to realize, I like this.
[522] This makes me comfortable.
[523] This I'm less comfortable with.
[524] And you can't judge it.
[525] You just have to make sure that that's what happens.
[526] Yeah.
[527] So if something works for you and serves you, do that.
[528] Yeah.
[529] Well, it's also just interesting trying to conserve your energy in the right way and figuring out when you need to eat and when you need to be quiet.
[530] When you do a show, what happens eventually, my wife used to say to me, you realize your job is the organizing principle of our family, everything where we live in the world, in the United States, but also to this greater degree, if I know my show is going on at 5 .30, I would know when I had to eat lunch.
[531] I would know I couldn't eat after a certain point because I didn't want to be digesting food while I'm trying to talk to another one of the Wayne's brothers, Keen and Ivory Wayans.
[532] You don't be burping at walking Phoenix.
[533] You're going to be great.
[534] Yeah.
[535] Sorry, massive bologna sandwich.
[536] But, and then I would be so, if it was a good show, my heart would be going like 180 beats a minute for the next couple of hours.
[537] And I would come home and, you know, my wife who has these two little kids would be like, we can't.
[538] You're like irradiated.
[539] Yeah.
[540] You just walked out of Chernobyl and you want to give everyone a hug.
[541] You need to just go into a different area.
[542] And I mean, you've seen me when I'm in this state.
[543] Oh, yeah.
[544] It's all the time after you do something.
[545] I do something.
[546] You're just always like a, it's like you're amped up.
[547] I'm amped up.
[548] And so I'm talking a mile a minute.
[549] I've got all this energy.
[550] And my wife's trying to put the kids to bed.
[551] And I'm like, hey, kids.
[552] Oh, what's going on?
[553] I'll kill you.
[554] I would kill you.
[555] I would kill you.
[556] And the kids would suddenly be jumping around and I'd be like, that's good, good.
[557] Now you try.
[558] Come on, kids.
[559] The network's watching.
[560] She's pulling you out of their room with a cane.
[561] Yeah, exactly.
[562] No long cane.
[563] But it didn't work.
[564] And I couldn't fall asleep until like one in the morning.
[565] And it just everything now, because it's been two and a half years since I ended my show, I can see.
[566] I can see it now, but at the time when you're in it, you can't.
[567] You just, you know that this is what the job is and you do it.
[568] But it's only later on that you will see these things.
[569] Well, and stand -up's the same way.
[570] I mean, like, you have a great show.
[571] You're done at 10 p .m. And then you're just buzzing until 3 in the morning.
[572] So it's actually been nice to finish by like 7 p .m. Usually like 6 or 7 and be like, oh, I'll be, I'll come down by like 10 p .m. Which is nice, unless I go do a set or something.
[573] We did shows, I don't know, about a year ago at the beacon.
[574] Oh, yeah.
[575] And so it's the three of us doing a show for the podcast.
[576] It's still, it's like it's the beacons packed.
[577] We're doing a show.
[578] I go out and open it.
[579] What happened was we ended, the show ended late.
[580] I remember when I came backstage and you say hi to a bunch of people who have come to see it, say hi to everybody, and then everyone drifts away.
[581] And I was like, now we go.
[582] Now we go out and we hit a, we go to dinner.
[583] You know, we get a drink and get some dinner.
[584] I'm already in bed.
[585] I know, me too.
[586] You're in bed within your Dickensian.
[587] night suit a couple of them layers and Sona disappears and so I'm just saying to my producer what do we do when he went I ate and he's had his soup with him I gotta go and he was like hey I don't know I think everything's closed anyway see you tomorrow for the next show in New York City everything's close everyone took up no but seriously I went around and I was showing up at restaurants but now it's after 11 everything's closed and I was like no no no I need to go someplace make the waiter laugh against his will I need to like hey there's the chef hey chef look at this bit I thought of you know I got a and there was no place to go I imagine you doing one of those little routines with the broom on the bare stage in the spotlight yeah yeah no I was losing my mind and I was like it's New York City Sinatra said it's the city that never sleeps he didn't then go except after 11 I'm like Sinatra and Trump towards the end Sinatra sounded a lot like Trump Yeah.
[588] He did.
[589] In the end, he sounds like Trump.
[590] Yeah, be a grand new daughter of it, New York, New York.
[591] But anyway, that was, I had nowhere to put all that energy.
[592] And then finally, I think we made a place down at Lincoln.
[593] I'm a Columbus Circle.
[594] I like, I made a place open up.
[595] Oh, Jesus.
[596] Made a place open.
[597] No, no, I think they were closing.
[598] And I was like, come on.
[599] And they said, okay.
[600] And I went, hey, have you heard of this one?
[601] I don't do.
[602] They all just want to go home to their family.
[603] We're trying to put our children to sleep.
[604] This is a residence.
[605] Yes.
[606] This is not a restaurant.
[607] Well, it's a restaurant now, fuck out.
[608] And in New York, that's not, you know, they're used to seeing famous people.
[609] So they're like, oh, man, God damn it, Conan.
[610] You got to go back on the road because if you do that in like, you know, Birmingham, Alabama.
[611] They're like, yeah, we'll stay open all night.
[612] This is the greatest thing that's ever happened.
[613] Conan O 'Brien's here.
[614] Remember when we were on tour once?
[615] This is the other tour.
[616] Oh, the can't stop one.
[617] I can't.
[618] I can't.
[619] We got to the hotel and the bar was closed.
[620] and I made them open it.
[621] Jeez.
[622] I was like, it can't be close.
[623] I just performed for thousands of people.
[624] For three so -od hours.
[625] I killed.
[626] I killed.
[627] And they were like, we don't fucking care if you killed.
[628] I killed, I tell you.
[629] Those were big laughs.
[630] Cut to the bar opening up.
[631] Yeah, they were really nice, though.
[632] They were cool about it.
[633] But yeah, you kept a few places open.
[634] Yeah, it's called alcoholism.
[635] My point is...
[636] I mean, I love that documentary.
[637] But I'm also a work.
[638] When you say you're a workaholic, let's, let's unpack that for a second.
[639] I didn't know we were going to.
[640] Well, I know I'm just, I wish I hadn't said it.
[641] No, but I'm just curious.
[642] I was sort of just a light thing, I said.
[643] A light thing.
[644] Okay, let's get into it.
[645] But you really like to work.
[646] Yes.
[647] And that is, to me, one of the hacks in life or one of the tricks is you take something about yourself that could be a problem, but if you can tame it and use it in just the right amount it's fantastic yeah and so i like to work yeah and there's so many different types of way to work in entertainment so anytime you're like oh i have time off you're like am i can go right over here in this place and right like that's what's so fun to me is like i had last weekend off and i was like oh hell yeah i finally have some time off from the show i'm going to go write stand -up for four hours at a coffee shop and that felt like rest to me which it's not it's still work i know sonna's looking at me like, I'm crazy.
[648] No, no, I'm not.
[649] It's just, that's not who I am.
[650] Son is like, do they have croissons?
[651] The ones with chocolate?
[652] Oh.
[653] Well, like, not being productive isn't restful for me. Yeah, no. I think is what it is.
[654] So you're like, well, why would I, why would I do nothing when I'm not going to enjoy it fully?
[655] Like, I got, right after I got the, the, after midnight job, I got mono.
[656] And I was sick for, like, two months.
[657] And I had to, like, film the special in the first two weeks.
[658] but then once the special was filmed, I had like a few weeks where I was just doing nothing and me and my writing partner finished a script in that time because I was like, I have three good hours in the middle of the day and we can get on Zoom so I'll wake up at noon and then we can hop on from like one to three and then I go back to bed at four.
[659] And we got a lot done and it was really, yeah, and it's awesome and I felt great about it but if I'd just been laying there healing sucks.
[660] She just got closer to death, nothing to show for it.
[661] You just totally, You just totally insulted your own immune system.
[662] Your immune system's like, wait a minute.
[663] What?
[664] Everybody's like, you know, some people get over it in like three weeks.
[665] I'm like, yeah, if they stay down, I guess.
[666] But I had stuff to do.
[667] Yeah.
[668] If you drink liquids, I haven't had a liquid in six months.
[669] And then there's this myth of, hey, chill.
[670] Yeah.
[671] Don't work.
[672] Chill.
[673] And I don't know.
[674] I've never been able to chill.
[675] I don't know how to chill.
[676] I have terrible news.
[677] It's not.
[678] a myth.
[679] It works for some people.
[680] Does it really?
[681] It really does.
[682] I've seen it happen.
[683] You've seen people actually chill?
[684] Yeah, I've seen people spend a whole day reading.
[685] And I'm like, what?
[686] You're sitting with the two chill chums.
[687] We're real chill.
[688] Both of us.
[689] I think you're chill too.
[690] I'm suspicious of you.
[691] I'm not.
[692] I admittedly.
[693] I think you're right.
[694] I don't think you're...
[695] I'm half and half.
[696] I need to work for a few hours to feel like I've earned it.
[697] Yes.
[698] Then once I've done that, I feel like, oh, I've earned this.
[699] I can chill.
[700] I think the exception is Sona, who does not need to work hard to earn it.
[701] It's actually, you know what?
[702] You're a chill master.
[703] It's actually, you know what?
[704] You're saying that in a way where you feel like, I feel like you're trying to insult me. No, I'm describing you to the police.
[705] That's an accurate description.
[706] When you say you do a show all week and then you do stand up, it just boggles my mind.
[707] I mean, it's amazing.
[708] Well, it depends the stamina that is.
[709] I mean, doing Largo is different than like traveling somewhere.
[710] You know, like Largo's like, oh, this is so nice and relaxing.
[711] It's great.
[712] Oh, my God.
[713] Yeah.
[714] I was talking to Flanning about you actually because he was saying, he's like, you never know what's going to happen.
[715] the show.
[716] He's like, I bought this place when I was 30.
[717] And I thought maybe I'd only do it for five years.
[718] And here we are.
[719] 30 years later.
[720] He's like, Conan told me he thought he was going to be out of the business, you know, in a few years.
[721] And I was like, okay.
[722] He's like, yeah, so you never know, and we'll see.
[723] And he's like, yeah, I mean.
[724] Flanny has no right talking about me. That was rude.
[725] I mean, don't you think that's sort of, yeah.
[726] No. Flannie's the guy that runs.
[727] Do you even know Conan?
[728] Yeah, he does not, I don't know any Flanny.
[729] Flanny is this He runs Largo Which is really one of the best live venues in Los Angeles And I only say that because this podcast goes out to Other other realms But it is every comedian's favorite room to be in Sometimes it can almost give you a deceptive read Because you can go to Largo And sometimes I feel like You know, you can read out of the phone book And you'll get some really solid laughs And you'll think this phone book thing's killer I'm taking this, I don't know the road, and then you get killed.
[730] Yeah, well, that's the problem with once people come to see you on purpose, you're like, is this, do you really like you?
[731] So you have to kind of adjust your expectations.
[732] See you on purpose.
[733] I love it.
[734] Yeah, see you on purpose.
[735] Oh, I was, people were tricked into watching me do stand up for years.
[736] They're like, we came for chicken fingers and a male comedian.
[737] We had no idea.
[738] We were just finishing a day at the mall.
[739] How dare you bamboozle us, funny bone?
[740] There were so many times I said to my wife Let's go out for chicken fingers and a male comedian And then, you know Lori Kilmartin would come out And I'd go, what the fuck?
[741] What's a lady doing up there?
[742] And this doesn't taste like chicken.
[743] And I was like a child on top of it.
[744] So look, I saw the disappointment on people's faces.
[745] I came from an era where when I debuted in 1993, there's no internet, there's, you know, there's no streaming, there's maybe, yeah, there's four networks.
[746] There's no teleprompters.
[747] Yeah, there's no teleprompters.
[748] They were steam powered.
[749] They weren't good.
[750] They exploded all the time.
[751] There's someone on a bike behind it.
[752] Someone's peddling it.
[753] Welcome to the shows.
[754] I have speeded up there, Myron.
[755] I'm trying.
[756] Shoveling coal into a. But there was a solid, I don't know, I want to say two, three years there where, was on and there wasn't much else to do at 1230 at night.
[757] So today, there's a billion things you can watch.
[758] And I was part of this era where people would come up to me on the street and say, you know, didn't want to watch you.
[759] They wouldn't say that exactly, but it was clear.
[760] That was not the plan.
[761] I didn't want to do that, but I can develop this rash.
[762] They gave me a medication and the cream has to be applied.
[763] And so I had to get up at 1230 and reapply the cream.
[764] I turned on the TV and you're there.
[765] I didn't like it, but after nine days and nine cream applyings, I was like, you know what?
[766] He's got something.
[767] And I thought, oh my God.
[768] I mean, I literally, so many moms with newborns would say to me, this is back in the early 90s, you know, I'm a huge fan.
[769] I would have to get up and breastfeed and you were on, you know, I watched it for four solid weeks and you didn't, I didn't get it, but now I love you.
[770] And I would think that wouldn't happen today.
[771] No. America was 40, to put up with my shit for a number of years.
[772] They had no choice.
[773] And then they were like, all right, I guess the hair can stay.
[774] America was like, this is the guy.
[775] Yeah, yeah.
[776] No, there's, yeah.
[777] One of the advantages of this new world and so many new opportunities is that we're getting to hear voices we wouldn't have heard in an old system where they just was like.
[778] Because they never would have me a chance of what you're saying.
[779] They would.
[780] They would not have.
[781] I would.
[782] I mean, they weren't.
[783] let's be honest they were not like okay there's a long line of you know women doing comedy they're obviously great pioneers and everything but uh it was no women weren't funny until bridesmaids came out like on the record yeah that was when it all changed over but everyone before that garbage yeah yeah lucille ball it's just dreadful i didn't get it i didn't get it not the best not the best carl burnet i mean i've done the work Yeah, gone and looked, and it was just...
[784] Yeah.
[785] Well, and even now, I mean, again, I did all these interviews, and every interview was like, what is it like to be the only woman in late night?
[786] And I was like, oh, shit, is this going to be a big deal?
[787] Right.
[788] I'm like, this feels like a lot of pressure.
[789] Like, we're doing a silly, funny, goofy game show.
[790] For years, it was how young I was.
[791] Like, you know what I mean?
[792] And they still, like, list my age in most things.
[793] And, you know, I'll probably hate that in a few years.
[794] I'll go, oh, there's a paper trail.
[795] Yeah.
[796] I guess we can't lie.
[797] But, yeah, I mean, it's kind of similar to how I felt about that, where I was like, is everything going to be about how young I am?
[798] Because everyone's kind of saying it in a surprised way.
[799] Like, even because, even though you're this, you've still got this thing.
[800] I was, I was the first asexual host.
[801] And I thought that was a huge barrier.
[802] You know, people were like, we're not sure.
[803] They didn't know what you were.
[804] They weren't sure.
[805] Oh, okay.
[806] And often I wasn't sure.
[807] You weren't sure.
[808] You can see it on the air sometimes.
[809] You know?
[810] There I am talking to Sir Richard Harris and I sort of pucker my lips and try to kiss him.
[811] Oh, okay.
[812] I was just confused.
[813] They were hiring the first female.
[814] They did.
[815] He did a bait and switch.
[816] Ha!
[817] I am a man. Take a look.
[818] I drop my pants.
[819] Still confusion.
[820] Come on.
[821] That's the big reveal.
[822] I'm a man. Can we get more light in here?
[823] Fuck you.
[824] Well, I, for one, I'm so glad.
[825] mates came out because it has enabled you now exactly to be paved the way yeah exactly um i uh who did you i'm just curious just before we because i want to wrap things up but i don't want to wrap things up let me make sure i don't have any more question for you i don't think i had everything i was born in 1993 yes yeah wait a minute you're i think i got it i got it yeah no i got them all you do your thing um who did you see when you were interested in comedy and young and you saw them and you thought okay that that's who i want to be or that person gives me the confidence to think i could do oh gosh i mean i don't know because i felt like i guess just every female comic that made it was like honestly again not to do the gender thing but like it did help like Kathleen madigan maria banford like Tina fey amy polar like amy schumer getting so huge like it's i think everybody who makes it and is so successful in this business makes you feel like, oh, I could do that, maybe, you know, like if everybody's cool with, everyone thinks women are funny finally, you know, it's so funny to think that that was a conversation for so many years when I was a kid, because now we joke about it because it's like not, I don't think anybody's on that anymore, but when we were kids, it really was like, I don't know, I hate female comedy.
[826] And people did say that to me in my early 20s, like, again, coming to see me at Funny Bones or whatever, they'd go, I hate female comics.
[827] you were good.
[828] Like there was a lot of that.
[829] You're like, okay.
[830] That's unbelievable.
[831] Yeah.
[832] I mean, it's absolutely, I shouldn't say that.
[833] It's completely believable.
[834] Yeah, given that time, but it's unbelievable to contemplate now.
[835] Yeah.
[836] Yeah, yeah.
[837] Taylor, I really am so happy for you.
[838] And you are uniquely gifted and a really good person.
[839] And I think you're, right now, there are so many young people watching you saying, I want to be Taylor Tomlinson.
[840] And it's your job to destroy them.
[841] So they don't take that from you.
[842] But seriously, thanks so much for being here.
[843] Thank you so much.
[844] I'm sorry, I asked you for so much advice.
[845] You think you're asking the wrong person.
[846] But sure, go ahead.
[847] I can't text Colbert anymore.
[848] I'm bothering him.
[849] No, he's been great.
[850] He's so nice.
[851] Yeah, he's a very nice man. He's so nice.
[852] I just think he should try harder.
[853] Really.
[854] Well, he's got the same.
[855] Again, we're wrapping up.
[856] I'm sorry.
[857] We can see this off air if you want.
[858] No, no, let's say it on the air.
[859] I mean, it's very intimidating to spend time with him and you, and go, ooh, they both have that thing that I just don't have.
[860] I don't have the, like, like always on, like very charismatic, very social.
[861] Like, I don't have that thing that you two both have that's so impressive to me. But a lot of my favorite people, many of my favorite comedians don't do that.
[862] They're on, they do their thing, and then they're quiet and reserved.
[863] Yeah.
[864] Or they're a bit of an introvert.
[865] A lot of my favorite comedians are introverts.
[866] Yeah.
[867] Stephen and I, there's just something wrong with us.
[868] But it's so, like, it's amazing to watch.
[869] Like, you're, like, machines.
[870] Like, you're just funny all the time.
[871] Like, I got to go plug myself in.
[872] It's a neediness.
[873] No, it's not a neediness.
[874] It comes from, and God gave me a gift, and I must pass it on.
[875] Okay, no, that's in the Bible.
[876] Desperate needness.
[877] No, no, no, no. A prophet spreading a good word.
[878] Anyway, I don't think, there's just, There are many, many, many ways that people get here.
[879] And a lot of my favorite comics are not like that.
[880] So don't be looking around.
[881] Don't compare your Taylor Tomlinson.
[882] They can fuck it, you know?
[883] That's very nice.
[884] I'm going to clip that out and just listen to it in the morning as an affirmation.
[885] Yeah, every morning.
[886] They can fuck it.
[887] You're Taylor Tomlinson and they can fuck it.
[888] That was great.
[889] Do you mean they can fuck off?
[890] Yeah, they can fuck off.
[891] I like it that way.
[892] I like fuck it.
[893] If I said, if I said fuck off, that's what everyone says.
[894] My trick is to change it a little bit.
[895] They can fuck it.
[896] Now it's got us talking and you know what?
[897] That's going to be a T -shirt.
[898] You're Taylor Town is wondering what it is.
[899] You started so much gravitas.
[900] I was like, yeah, they can fuck it?
[901] What do you mean?
[902] I said it like Walter Cronkite on his last broadcast.
[903] That got by me. I'm Walter Cronkite and you can fuck it.
[904] That's going to be a T -shirt.
[905] You're going to see that T -shirt.
[906] shirt.
[907] I felt like that was inspiring.
[908] I wouldn't have even caught that.
[909] No, we both, I thought it was funny too because I was like, what?
[910] Well, I wanted it at first too, but then, yeah, like everything, you've got to run it through twice with this guy.
[911] A lot of great poets.
[912] It's the little things they change.
[913] Uh, anyway, go with God.
[914] And they can fuck it.
[915] And they can fuck it.
[916] And, um, congrats.
[917] Congratulations on everything.
[918] I'm so happy for you.
[919] Thank you.
[920] Hi, this is Matt.
[921] And this is Sona.
[922] We're leaving the studio right now.
[923] And as you can tell by the, is that a Ferrari or a Lamborghini?
[924] I don't know.
[925] You're asking the wrong person.
[926] It's orange.
[927] We were requested by Conan and Adam to do our own little segment as we are walking to our car.
[928] What do you want to talk about?
[929] Well, let's talk about how I thought.
[930] So first of all, my car has been here for days.
[931] And I don't even know if it's going to be there when I get there.
[932] But I thought I had forgotten my key, so you very graciously were going to give me a ride home, which is nice.
[933] And now we're doing like, it's almost very mall -walking, I was saying.
[934] Yeah, and I'm a little disappointed I don't get to give you a ride home because, you know, sona time is good time.
[935] Oh, that's really nice.
[936] I know.
[937] You know, I like mad time.
[938] I don't know why things are just so much more pleasant when Conan's not around.
[939] What could it be?
[940] I feel lighter than air right now.
[941] Me too.
[942] I feel like we're having a good time.
[943] We're being nice to each other.
[944] This is nice.
[945] And there's a really big element that.
[946] missing.
[947] But I don't miss it.
[948] I know.
[949] And also the fact that this segment is going to end with the reveal of whether or not your car is there or not, because it's Monday and your car's been in the CVS parking lot since Friday, Thursday.
[950] Since Thursday.
[951] Yeah.
[952] I can't imagine it's still there, Sona.
[953] I may end up giving you a ride.
[954] Yeah, you know what?
[955] If it's cool, would you, would you walk with me?
[956] No, you had your chance.
[957] Of course I will.
[958] Okay, that's cool.
[959] Because I don't know what I'm going to do if it's not there.
[960] I haven't gotten my car toaded years.
[961] And so I forgot who I would call and how I would find it.
[962] So I don't know.
[963] I mean, we'll see.
[964] We'll find out.
[965] But you were telling me you used to get your car towed quite a bit, right?
[966] I've gotten my car towed like three times.
[967] And the first time is like, you're like, oh, my God, did it get stolen?
[968] And by the third time, you're like, oh, what did I do?
[969] What did I do this time?
[970] That makes sense.
[971] Yeah, it is.
[972] Because anytime you do get a toad, you are the person who's responsible.
[973] Is this where yours is?
[974] Because the gate's closed.
[975] No, mine's back there.
[976] Oh, okay.
[977] What if my car is gone?
[978] That's the twist.
[979] Yes, I would love that.
[980] I wouldn't love it because you have to get home, but that would be a fun twist.
[981] Also, we're walking in the middle of the street talking into a phone.
[982] You're not embarrassed, right?
[983] I am.
[984] Are you really?
[985] Yeah.
[986] I am.
[987] Why am I embarrassed?
[988] And you're not.
[989] I don't know.
[990] It just feels like I would think people would think we're talking to the same person on the phone.
[991] Like we've called someone a mutual friend.
[992] So every time someone walks by, I'm just going to be like, yeah, John.
[993] Yeah, John.
[994] I'm used to mall walking too where you walk around with a microphone.
[995] I know, that's true.
[996] Do I get a snack on the way home?
[997] Yeah, here's a half -eaten turkey stick.
[998] Yeah, you got a meat stick in your hand.
[999] We could talk about the snacks at Team Coco, because when you finish recording a session, and even before, you and I are often kind of meeting up at the snack basket or whatever.
[1000] I hate to admit this, Matt.
[1001] I don't know if you do this.
[1002] I plan my day around the snacks I'm going to eat.
[1003] at the office.
[1004] Meaning you won't eat a meal if you know you're coming in?
[1005] Yeah, meaning I'll be like, oh, I know I'm gonna shove my face full of like, you know, a popcorn from the office so I'm just not gonna eat too much for breakfast.
[1006] Hey John, hey John, it's so good to talk to you, John.
[1007] I almost look like I have no money and no resources because every time I leave Team Coco, it's with a handful of chips and tin cans and all this food.
[1008] You have a LaCroix in your hand and a meat stick.
[1009] Hey, John, you won't believe who I'm walking with.
[1010] We miss you, John.
[1011] Come visit us soon.
[1012] It's so nice out here.
[1013] What celebrity could we imagine John is?
[1014] What do you mean?
[1015] Like a celebrity named John.
[1016] Who's the biggest John, John Krasinski?
[1017] John Tess.
[1018] John Krasinski?
[1019] John Tess?
[1020] Is it John?
[1021] Wait, is it John Tash?
[1022] It's not.
[1023] That is, isn't it?
[1024] It's not.
[1025] Why did I think his name was Bill Tess?
[1026] Hey, Bill.
[1027] Who's the biggest John?
[1028] John.
[1029] Oh, it's a Lamborghini.
[1030] It's a Lamborghini.
[1031] That's the one.
[1032] I'm glad we closed the loop on whether that was a Lamborghini or a Ferrari.
[1033] Okay, we're going in, I'm also halfway through a mouthball of turkey stick.
[1034] We're going downstairs.
[1035] Where are you taking me?
[1036] When you eat a beef stick, let's say that was the beef version.
[1037] Do you ever say you're getting a hot beef injection?
[1038] Every time.
[1039] And this is a turkey stick.
[1040] so I say I'm getting a hot gobbler.
[1041] I'm sorry.
[1042] I'm still stuck on thinking John Tesh's name was Bill Tesh.
[1043] I'm just really excited I had my keys because I thought I was going to inconvenience you right now.
[1044] Oh, no. What's matter?
[1045] You weren't recording?
[1046] No, I think I'm still recording.
[1047] We'll find out at the end.
[1048] No, it's still rolling.
[1049] Oh, there is!
[1050] And your car's still here!
[1051] Yay!
[1052] Wow, I'll drive you to win your car.
[1053] Oh, you don't have to do that.
[1054] No, yeah, it's fine.
[1055] Okay, well...
[1056] You can all the way here and then we could record a little longer.
[1057] Keep this segment going.
[1058] Give the people what they want to hear?
[1059] They're like, hey, you know what?
[1060] For a while, I was wondering...
[1061] Wait, wait.
[1062] I have the phone and you're far away.
[1063] Hold on.
[1064] I bet people always wonder like, what's it like when it's just Sona and Matt?
[1065] And now you know.
[1066] And maybe...
[1067] Yeah.
[1068] Maybe they're like, oh, we're good.
[1069] Maybe, but I can at least describe the interior of Sona's car and it's got tax...
[1070] mahogany like fisting block don't say it's not a fisting it's not a fisting block it's a fisting if that's if i'm eating a hot beef injection this is a mahogany fisting block it's he punches it to condition his hands because you know if you don't punch it then your hands are weak what's this it's a rolling pin but he does something with that too i think it's just a wooden oak dowel yeah he like yes i think he hits his legs with it or something no i think he's in a child's musical band When he says he has a gig, he's going to a preschool.
[1071] I'm so glad my car's here.
[1072] I'm so glad I had my keys.
[1073] What do you got planned for the rest of the day?
[1074] I'm going to get fucked up.
[1075] I already am, baby.
[1076] You can actually drop me off right here because that's my orange Lamborghini.
[1077] Oh, is it?
[1078] Okay.
[1079] But you weren't sure if it was a Lamborghini or a Ferrari?
[1080] I just said give me something fast and expensive.
[1081] Yeah, you're such a. Lamborghini guy.
[1082] I should have waited for those people to cross the street.
[1083] I'm the Lamborghini guy.
[1084] Do you think you're a Lamborghini person?
[1085] I know I'm not.
[1086] I think I'm a Corvette person.
[1087] Yeah.
[1088] Really?
[1089] I would do it.
[1090] I would fuck a Corvette.
[1091] Up?
[1092] I would just fuck it.
[1093] Oh, you are getting fucked up today.
[1094] Oh my God.
[1095] What is partying going?
[1096] I wonder.
[1097] Oh my God.
[1098] That's where I am right there.
[1099] You can pull over right here.
[1100] I'm going to do it.
[1101] I'm going to do a Uie Dewey?
[1102] Full service?
[1103] Yeah.
[1104] I'm not going to take you to your car, but I'm going to get you close to it because you know what?
[1105] You're really nice enough to almost, almost drive me to my car.
[1106] Thank you.
[1107] My car's pissed at you.
[1108] Okay, I'm going to put these wooden child instruments down and I'll say my goodbye.
[1109] Thank you, Sona.
[1110] Love you, Goral.
[1111] Love you.
[1112] Bye.
[1113] Bye.
[1114] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gawley.
[1115] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[1116] Executive produced by Adam.
[1117] Sam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1118] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1119] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1120] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1121] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1122] Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
[1123] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
[1124] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1125] Got a question for Conan?
[1126] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.
[1127] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1128] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.