#73 - Bert Kreischer

[0] Long day?

[1] Really long.

[2] Speaking of Vietnam, I saw a really interesting documentary, or a piece rather, it was a very short clip about, they were talking about how marijuana, it was changed war, and how Vietnam was the first war where the soldiers were smoking marijuana and they became reluctant to fight.

[3] And it was all about the mentality of the soldiers just completely changed when they were in Southeast Asia.

[4] And they were smoking weed, and they could smell the Viet Cong smoking weed, like over the hill.

[5] Like they were like close enough to each other to smell each other's weed.

[6] Shut up.

[7] Yeah, and one guy was talking about...

[8] how there was one time where he was high and he had seen this Vietnamese, this Viet Cong soldier and he knew that that guy was high too.

[9] It was like they looked at each other and they knew they were high.

[10] And they knew they didn't even know each other and they're going to shoot each other because some fucking people in an office somewhere say that this is how it's supposed to go down.

[11] But those Vietnam guys were the first generation to hear stories about war.

[12] Yeah.

[13] Because their dads came back.

[14] My grandfather came back from World War II and was fucked up.

[15] Like, fucked up.

[16] And they didn't know that you could fix it.

[17] They just thought, well, that's what happened to my life.

[18] I was 18 and it just switched and now I'll drink beer in the garage by myself.

[19] Well, they don't know what to fix it with.

[20] Even though what they're doing now, they're really taking the long way around.

[21] What they really should be doing is giving these soldiers the ones, you know, that want...

[22] to do something about post -traumatic stress disorder.

[23] I mean, you shouldn't impose it on them, but giving them Ibogaine.

[24] Ibogaine and ayahuasca are two...

[25] of the most potent psychedelic mixtures, and they're responsible for so many different people getting off of heroin, getting over the past.

[26] Yes.

[27] Dude, it's like conversations with God.

[28] That seems like that would be the worst thing possible to give somebody that's not in touch with reality.

[29] No, no, no. What it does is it lets them know what really happened.

[30] It lets them see it from an emotional perspective, why there's this big gigantic hole in them that freaks out whenever they think about the past and freaks out and relives all these moments.

[31] And you can go.

[32] over it, especially with Ibogaine.

[33] I've heard so many different stories about it.

[34] And also with MDMA.

[35] You know, MDMA, which is ecstasy, they first used it.

[36] I would love to do some therapy with that.

[37] That was the idea.

[38] That was the funnest drug when you didn't know it would fuck you up.

[39] Yeah.

[40] Well, it does fuck you up, though.

[41] That's why I won't do it.

[42] I did it once, and that was it for me. But I learned a lot, man. I learned a lot about insecurities.

[43] But anyway, the point is about soldiers and people that are addicted.

[44] There's people that have problems with heroin, problems with alcohol.

[45] They could fix all that shit with Ibogaine.

[46] Geraldo said in one of his lowest points, took a bunch of acid because he said that he heard that that would fix his problems.

[47] And he said it didn't.

[48] Well, acid's not known for that.

[49] I mean, acid, well, it is kind of self -observing.

[50] They used to give it to alcoholics, right?

[51] Yeah, but I think acid also just freaks people out so much.

[52] When it wears you off, it's like so...

[53] Someone described it as abrasively introspective, that just so freaks you out that it might be too much for someone who has an addiction.

[54] Mushrooms, I think, are a little...

[55] Mushrooms are good.

[56] Anything that's enlightening, anything that allows you to step back and look at it.

[57] But it has to also jive with your biochemistry.

[58] You can say everything enlightening, but what if you're that one weirdo that's allergic to peanuts and you can't even drink Diet Coke or you get splitting headaches?

[59] Are there people that are allergic to weed physically?

[60] Sure, there must be.

[61] There's people that are allergic to everything.

[62] A lot of people that have smoking allergies in general.

[63] Yeah, but if that's the case, are they allergic to it?

[64] Do they eat it?

[65] Or what about vaporizing?

[66] Well, vaporizing still has smoke in it.

[67] I don't care what people say.

[68] It's mist.

[69] It doesn't get hot enough to smoke.

[70] That's the whole deal.

[71] But you still cough from it.

[72] I don't cough from it.

[73] You coughed yesterday from it because I remember going, you're going to be really fucked now.

[74] No, I think so, Brian.

[75] I think you're attaching that moment, that memory to some other time.

[76] I didn't really cough.

[77] Demetri Martin's allergic to alcohol.

[78] Really?

[79] Yeah, and peanuts.

[80] I shouldn't say this.

[81] You could be really mean and throw something else in there.

[82] If you don't.

[83] He's allergic to pussy.

[84] You know, you say something stupid there.

[85] I don't even know the dude.

[86] There was an opening right there.

[87] He's a regular.

[88] Is he?

[89] Yeah.

[90] And he's allergic to alcohol.

[91] So what happens when he drinks?

[92] And peanuts.

[93] Oh, he breaks out.

[94] If you throw a peanut on his face, his face will swell up.

[95] Wow, that's crazy.

[96] Talk about fucking being helpless on stage.

[97] Peanuts, man. Someone doesn't like your show and just flicks a peanut at you?

[98] Does he know?

[99] He knows.

[100] I mean, now people know.

[101] Now people.

[102] I just fucked him up.

[103] I just fucked him up, man. People are going to be throwing peanuts at him.

[104] That shit's kind of fucked up because I've worked in so many kitchens before where like easily.

[105] there could be peanut in something and then just be a dumb waitress that didn't know.

[106] Or you're making a salad and a peanut flies into something.

[107] It just seems like that's just Thai food.

[108] Like Pad Thai, peanut sauce and shit.

[109] Lady in front of me was allergic to shellfish on the flight yesterday, coming back from D .C. And they gave her shrimp.

[110] And put it in front of her.

[111] And she flipped out.

[112] She was like, I can't have it around me. I can't.

[113] I can't even be around it.

[114] And I was like, oh.

[115] If we have to land this fucking pain because this chick can't eat shellfish.

[116] Whoa.

[117] She was freaking that bad?

[118] She was freaking out pretty bad.

[119] People do, though.

[120] Because that's her.

[121] Think about that.

[122] That's your windpipe.

[123] Like, I'm allergic to gerbils, right?

[124] Right.

[125] And people wouldn't recognize it enough.

[126] Bad.

[127] Fucking bad.

[128] Gerbils?

[129] Your ass swell up and stuff?

[130] No. My wife.

[131] My kids got.

[132] At her school, they got a gerbil.

[133] And so my wife was playing with the gerbil one morning and then washed her hands.

[134] Got in the car, grabbed the steering wheel.

[135] I went to take my sister to the airport, grabbed the steering wheel.

[136] My eyes shut.

[137] This part, you know this part of your eye?

[138] That lining part?

[139] Swole up over my eyes.

[140] Water's coming out of my eyes and it's burning lines down my face.

[141] My windpipe closes up and I'm just like, but I don't know what's happening at the time because I'm like, I just fucking sat in a car.

[142] I'm like, oh shit, this is a stroke.

[143] Something's going down.

[144] I call my wife and then I start thinking, did she fucking play with the gerbil?

[145] I just asked that.

[146] the blue she was like but i washed my hands and i was like fucking wow oh my god can you believe that's what i washed my hands nah right you did fuck you did wash your fucking hands trying to make up for it revisionist history motherfucker but yeah but i washed my hands oh that's nonsense that's craziness It sounds like something a 13 -year -old would tell you.

[147] So could you walk through like a pet store if you just didn't touch anything?

[148] Or have you ever done that just like because you're feeling dangerous on a Saturday?

[149] Fuck no. That is so crazy.

[150] So anybody that has a gerbil in their hand and touched the doorknob, you could touch that and it would just jack you?

[151] That seems fucked up.

[152] If I touch, like I'm allergic to cats, but I live with my wife has a cat.

[153] So I live with it.

[154] So I've gotten over the allergy.

[155] Wow.

[156] That must have been crazy in the beginning of the relationship, huh?

[157] Fucking talk about swallowing your pride and fucking deciding my life is more less important than dating.

[158] this chick wow and the doctor we sat down with an allergist one time and he's like so here's the deal the cat cannot be in the room with him or one night he might die and then you know whoa and the cat is fucking there and your wife's like but i love the cat she tried she tried but she did she'd hear the cat clawing under the door like she wanted to let him in let him sleep she's done the cat longer than me i'm like four months in Oh, fuck.

[159] It was just destructive.

[160] Yeah.

[161] You got chose over a cat.

[162] I might have to kill that cat.

[163] Oh, damn.

[164] Dude, the cat, she called one night when we were moving an apartment.

[165] She was like, we can't find Gus Gus.

[166] And I was like.

[167] Oh, that's too bad.

[168] I was like, sweet.

[169] And then I came home.

[170] Gus Gus.

[171] For like a day we couldn't find this cat, right?

[172] And then my daughters are getting upset because they're like, daddy, Gus Gus is, he's hungry.

[173] I'm like, he's a fucking street cat he can find for himself.

[174] So then I go into the older old apartment to look for him and I hear him.

[175] He's in the fucking dryer.

[176] Oh, no. So you turned it on.

[177] Part of me is like, there's a moment where you have to make the call.

[178] Do I just not say anything and just leave?

[179] Like in those fucking movies where you just go and just walk by.

[180] Or do I rescue the cat and deal with my allergies?

[181] And I'm like, I can't fucking kill an animal.

[182] I can't let an animal die on my watch.

[183] Yeah, not like that either.

[184] If you're going to kill it, at least stomp on its head and punch it or something.

[185] Yeah, kill it quick.

[186] Don't let it kill it.

[187] Fuck it.

[188] My cat, when I was in...

[189] High school, my dad accidentally threw the cat in the dryer.

[190] Really?

[191] Yeah, I didn't know.

[192] The cat had gone to sleep in the hammock or in the hamper because there was warm clothes in the hamper.

[193] And no, no, no, that's not the story.

[194] The story was there was, I guess he went to sleep in the dryer.

[195] Whatever.

[196] Somewhere or another, the cat got in the fucking dryer by accident.

[197] And my dad heard all this thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

[198] And he opened it once and looked, and the cat was out.

[199] And the cat didn't move, so he was like, oh, I guess nothing's in here.

[200] And so he shut it again and again.

[201] Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

[202] And after, like, a couple of minutes of this, man, then he opens it up, and the cat comes out screeching, and one of his teeth was broken off.

[203] And my father felt so bad.

[204] He felt awful.

[205] It was just such a bad scene, you know?

[206] The cat lived there.

[207] That's a shitty story.

[208] Yeah.

[209] Cat lived.

[210] With one fucked up tooth.

[211] He always had this one fucked up tooth that reminded you of like, no wonder this cat's crazy.

[212] Imagine one day you wake up and you're in blackness and you're falling on metal every half a second.

[213] You're just getting beat over the head.

[214] Someone's just beating the fuck out of you and you're flipping through the air.

[215] What a crazy way to wake up.

[216] Inside a dryer.

[217] And then to survive that after minutes and minutes in that fucking dryer.

[218] I had a buddy who passed out and fell into a pool and that was a terrifying way to wake up.

[219] That cat needed Ibogaine.

[220] needs yeah i was just gonna say yeah why don't you heal that cat with some psychedelics i know heal that cat with some ecstasy by the way don't don't listen to anything i say don't take anything i tell you to take stop it don't don't listen yeah i am just a fucking comedian all right i am not qualified to be diagnosing life -changing chemicals to any fucking freaks a lot of those guys they come back like my my cousin they're fucking fearless From the war?

[221] You can't phase these dudes.

[222] Yeah, once you watch a bunch of people shoot at you and you shoot at them and kill people.

[223] And then you got some fucking frat boy telling you he's going to knock your teeth in at a bar.

[224] And you watch my cousin not give a shit.

[225] Literally just go, like he got wasted this weekend and fell down a flight of stairs and split his head open.

[226] And he was like.

[227] And all his buddies are like, he's fine.

[228] I'm like, dude, he has a head injury.

[229] He fell down fucking at the DC Improv down those stairs.

[230] I've never been to DC Improv.

[231] It's like fucking slippery, icy stairs.

[232] Wow.

[233] And they were like, he's fine.

[234] He's fine.

[235] Don't call a fucking ambulance.

[236] Just, Johnny, you're going to be fine.

[237] Johnny, you're going to be fine.

[238] And then he starts throwing up because he has a concussion all over the place.

[239] And I'm like, we're calling an ambulance.

[240] I don't give a shit.

[241] But they're fucking, you just can't fade these kids, man. That's a new generation coming back here.

[242] Toughen it up.

[243] Yeah.

[244] Now, coming back here after those experiences, hundreds of thousands of them, right?

[245] God, oh, stand -up's going to change.

[246] It's so unfortunate.

[247] It's so unfortunate that you've got people that are willing to do literally anything for their country, like Pat Tillman -type people who really are true heroes.

[248] And then you look at what they get used for.

[249] You look at how chaotic.

[250] You talk to any soldier that comes back from Afghanistan, they'll tell you it's fucking chaos over there.

[251] No one thinks you could fix that place.

[252] That place is bananas.

[253] It's fucking warlords, man. They're like Michael Vick's dogs.

[254] Kind of fucking crazy.

[255] And another thing is they fuck boys over there like on a regular basis.

[256] It's like there's a weird culture over there where there's a lot of like men who take in like little young boys.

[257] Like they fuck them like on a regular basis.

[258] It's like a natural part of their culture.

[259] It's so common and so prevalent.

[260] Like everything over there is so alien to us.

[261] There's like one city in the whole country and the rest of the country is just like warlords.

[262] It's like you can't control it.

[263] There's like a hundred different fucking dudes with a hundred different, you know, harems.

[264] And, you know, they're rocking one part of the country and holding it down.

[265] And, you know, the best way they get information from these dudes, the way they communicate with these dudes, they give them Viagra.

[266] That's what the American soldiers do.

[267] Viagra, because they can't fuck their wives anymore, so it's hard to hold this harem.

[268] It's hard to be a warlord when your dick doesn't work anymore.

[269] So they're giving them Viagra, and now these 60 -year -old dudes who were just trying to hang on and keep the young bucks at bay, now they can bone again, so they can get some credibility.

[270] You can't have 18 hot young wives and not fuck any of them.

[271] Someone's going to fuck one of those bitches.

[272] That's what's going to happen.

[273] You're going to have to shoot some young males or something.

[274] You're going to have to prove your dominance.

[275] If you had gotten fucked in the ass, as a child wouldn't you say I'm in this way I am I'd be like well I didn't enjoy that so I'm not going to do it to somebody else well that's a rational logical way of thinking it but apparently What happens to some people's minds when something traumatic happens to them is their mind gets rewired in a very, very unhealthy way.

[276] And somehow or another, when people are molested, they have some folks have an urge to do the exact same thing that happened to them to someone else.

[277] Almost like they're reliving their pain and their tragedy and reintroducing it to another person to try to understand it or something.

[278] I mean, it's like it becomes an addiction to them.

[279] It becomes very, very sick.

[280] I heard of women sometimes that get raped.

[281] uh state date raped try to fuck the same guy over again to try to like make sure it was okay and then a lot of times those guys don't want to be in that situation again because they know they did the bad thing so then they veer away from it and then that fucking ruins the woman that got date raped oh god that's horrible man I hate psychological shit the way your brain tries to fix things is insane it is insane I think that's why bullying is so dangerous you know when you hear about kids at school getting stuffed into lockers and all this and then wind up committing suicide and some kid recently fuck this story was so crazy I don't know the full details of it it was something someone told me but some 14 -year -old kid.

[282] There was a bunch of kids that were out on some little event.

[283] This kid climbs to the top of 10 stories, breaks a window, and jumps out in front of everybody.

[284] So they're all on there on some fucking vacation or some school trip or some shit.

[285] This kid smashes a window and just skydives into the pavement in front of the whole class.

[286] Shit.

[287] No, were you bullied at all?

[288] Yeah, I was bullied.

[289] That's how I got into martial arts.

[290] Really?

[291] Yeah, I think almost every comedian is bullied.

[292] First of all, I was little.

[293] I wasn't a big guy, and I moved around a lot.

[294] When my family was seven, we moved from New Jersey to California.

[295] And then California to Florida.

[296] So it's like I never really, like, stayed long enough to make, like, good friends.

[297] I would, like, live in one place.

[298] And even California, we lived in one street.

[299] And the next year we lived, you know, halfway across town.

[300] And then, you know, in Florida we moved a couple of times.

[301] It's like, man, I just never really had a chance to make, like, long -lasting friends.

[302] I went to an all -boys of Catholic high school.

[303] Oh, Jesus.

[304] That was just torture.

[305] And then I was, like, the funny guy to my friends.

[306] So the older dudes would just fuck you up.

[307] And it wasn't even, like, bullying.

[308] It was just beating you up.

[309] It was just like, you just got, you knew.

[310] I got beaten up one time.

[311] This guy on the baseball team, Freddy Rosella.

[312] I'll say his name.

[313] I'll give you shit.

[314] Fuck that dude.

[315] He's still a beast.

[316] He was a beast when we were all fucking like children.

[317] He had like ball hair.

[318] Like he was a monster.

[319] Damn.

[320] That's a little kid with a beard.

[321] Dude, the guy was shaving in like eighth grade.

[322] I mean, he was a monster and his arms were huge.

[323] And he was the captain of our baseball team.

[324] And I was like junior, sophomore.

[325] And I was making a joke and he said, Chrysler, shut your face.

[326] So I went as a joke.

[327] And then he did not get that.

[328] And then he went to go fight me. And then I was like, but then they broke it up.

[329] Wow.

[330] So then we get done.

[331] He goes into the dugout and I'm playing catch with my buddies, Joe and Troy Dean and warming up.

[332] And we see him walking out and we're walking in.

[333] They're like, oh, Freddie gets upset sometimes, but he's just come to apologize.

[334] Look, he's got a bat.

[335] He's probably had enough to the batting practice and he's just going to say sorry.

[336] So I was like, okay, don't worry.

[337] I got this one.

[338] So I have a glove in hand, ball in the other hand.

[339] I'm like.

[340] Hey, Freddy.

[341] And then he just, with the baseball bat, just starts beating the shit out of me. And, like, my three friends got on and they couldn't pull this guy off of me. I never let go of the ball.

[342] And I'm just like, ah.

[343] And then, you know, and then, of course, I just go to crying.

[344] Because I was still, like, a young boy.

[345] And then he beat me up.

[346] And then the coach was in there.

[347] And we both played left field together.

[348] So I had to go out and sit in left field with him after that.

[349] Whoa.

[350] But those things, that's why I think women...

[351] How do you get past that moment and run by him again when this guy beat the shit out of you?

[352] He came to see me at the Tampa Improv recently.

[353] Are you serious?

[354] Me and him probably never talked about it.

[355] We were cool after that.

[356] We played on the same team for a year after that, but he came to the Tampa Improv.

[357] He's like, what's up, man?

[358] I was like, hey, how you doing?

[359] But I'm still like gun shy.

[360] Right.

[361] You know Cowhead, the guy in Tampa radio show?

[362] Okay, yeah.

[363] Cowhead, I used to tell a story about getting in a fight with a black guy.

[364] I did it on my hour special.

[365] And it's a real story.

[366] It's a true story about getting the shit kicked out of me by a black guy.

[367] Cowhead looked him up and found the dude.

[368] And was like, I'm bringing him in studio.

[369] Oh my God.

[370] I was like, please don't fucking do that.

[371] I was praying the guy was dead.

[372] And his daughter listens to the show or whatever.

[373] I was like, fuck.

[374] Because I've been telling jokes about this guy on stage for the past eight years.

[375] There was this one dude that I went to high school with.

[376] I don't even remember his name.

[377] I think it was Kevin.

[378] He was this black kid that was way bigger than everybody else.

[379] He was like this football player.

[380] I didn't really know him very well.

[381] I knew his brother.

[382] His brother was a nice guy.

[383] But he was like a scary dude to me. Just looked like a Mike Tyson looking dude.

[384] And, you know, I remember, like, no one ever fucked with this kid, and everybody was always nervous.

[385] But there was something about him where I'd be like, man, this guy just seems like, he just seems, like, too dangerous.

[386] Like, there's something about him, like, that makes me fucking nervous.

[387] Like, someone could be that much bigger than you when you're 16 years old.

[388] That much bigger.

[389] Turns out he wound up murdering somebody.

[390] Wow.

[391] Yeah.

[392] We had one kid in our neighborhood.

[393] Definitely won't say this guy's fucking name.

[394] The one kid you knew was weird, but you didn't know how to...

[395] Everyone would be like, who wants to go ride bikes?

[396] And he's like, who dares me to go in the woods and put a stick in my ass?

[397] That kind of kid.

[398] Just crazy.

[399] One night he had the keys to this chick that lived in our neighborhood.

[400] He had the keys to her house because his parents were watching their house.

[401] And he's like, hey, you want to go in her house and get weird?

[402] And I was like, they're not here.

[403] He's like, I know.

[404] Come on, I'll be fucking crazy.

[405] I go in there and I cut the...

[406] pussies out of their underwear.

[407] And I was like, so my sister calls me like six months ago.

[408] She's like, you remember John?

[409] And I was like, yeah.

[410] She was like, he's in jail.

[411] I go, really?

[412] And she goes, yeah, he was working for Circuit City when they were going out of business and he stole one of their trucks filled with a bunch of equipment.

[413] And I was like, really?

[414] And she goes, yeah.

[415] And they arrested him.

[416] And then they fingerprinted him and found out he had been killing chicks down by the causeway.

[417] Wow.

[418] I was like, if you fucking said serial killer to me, I would have been like, if I was the guy next door, I'd be like, I fucking knew it.

[419] I knew it.

[420] I saw that coming.

[421] Holy shit.

[422] How many girls did he kill?

[423] I have no idea.

[424] But I was like, and I've looked for it online.

[425] I can't find it online.

[426] It's so hard when you run into someone who's completely fucking crazy.

[427] It's like, what?

[428] You know, there's no way to fix that guy when you're 15, 16 years old or whatever.

[429] And you're all of a sudden you're going to high school and you're hanging out with this kid who, you know, is completely insane.

[430] Yeah.

[431] And it's a small neighborhood, like eight boys.

[432] That's it.

[433] Oh, my God.

[434] And we spent the night at this kid's house and like, just fuck.

[435] And I'm like, holy shit, man. He I wonder when he started.

[436] You got to be, it starts young.

[437] I remember him shooting a frog with a BB gun and I remember him asking me to do it and I couldn't do it.

[438] I couldn't kill an animal.

[439] I just couldn't in my head, you know, at that age.

[440] But he was like, it's funny.

[441] It's easy.

[442] It's easy.

[443] They don't move.

[444] But I think you have to start.

[445] It's got to start in college.

[446] I wonder what it is, you know, because some people like Jeffrey Dahmer, they say there's nothing wrong with his upbringing.

[447] You know, some people were abused when they were younger.

[448] Some people have some, you know, various reasons for why they're so fucking crazy and psychotic.

[449] But with Dahmer, Dahmer is one of those weird ones where they like.

[450] nothing was wrong with his childhood.

[451] But what parent's going to be like, yeah, I did that.

[452] Right.

[453] Of course.

[454] Dahmer's parents are going to be like, I fucking didn't know you're not supposed to finger their assholes.

[455] Right.

[456] Every day.

[457] By the way, speaking of finger their asshole, I saw a clip online of your show where you went to the Gracie Academy in Torrance, and you were talking about defense, and you said, oh, I'll just grab their balls and finger their asshole, and Horian just stone -faced you, and the way you held it, dude, was so funny.

[458] I was laughing out loud.

[459] You held it just staring at him for like fucking 10 seconds, man. It was like no one said anything.

[460] And then it's like, okay, let's go learn some techniques.

[461] Some arm locks and some joint locks and some jokes.

[462] Dude, I got choked out that day.

[463] I saw it.

[464] That fucked me up for like a week.

[465] Because you know what it's like to die.

[466] You know what it's like to be totally helpless and your windpipe to close.

[467] And your blood to stop.

[468] And you fight it just like you see in the movies where you go, no, no, no, no. It's very helpless.

[469] Very helpless.

[470] Especially with the Gi on, man. Guys get collar chokes on you.

[471] That's what he did.

[472] He gave me the collar thing.

[473] Very hard to defend those.

[474] And that's why I stopped fucking with dudes.

[475] Because I realize now, everyone's a badass.

[476] Everyone.

[477] I almost got in a fight.

[478] I almost got in a fight recently.

[479] Really?

[480] Yeah.

[481] Because.

[482] I just was like, my brain is...

[483] No, sober.

[484] It was in the morning.

[485] I was going to shoot something for Comedy Central and I needed a bathing suit.

[486] So my sisters live on an apartment building below Starbucks.

[487] So I like fly in and I kind of block two spaces and they're just going to throw my bathing suit to me. So they throw it and then as I pull out, I realize I blocked it and this guy's pissed.

[488] So he...

[489] He's really pisses as I pull out he zooms in gets out of his car starts yelling at me now I'm do come I've been in a lot of his fights so I do come from that kind of like Mentality of like talk shit, and let's that's my mentality at the time So I said...

[490] Talk shit and let's fight?

[491] I'll fight.

[492] Really?

[493] You just ready to fight some dude?

[494] No, no, no. Not now.

[495] Not now.

[496] How long ago was this?

[497] This was like three years ago.

[498] Oh, okay.

[499] You're a different guy now.

[500] Very.

[501] This moment and then the moment happened the next day.

[502] So then he yells at me and I rolled out my window and I yelled at him.

[503] I go, I was just trying to get my bathing suit.

[504] Like that's going to fucking...

[505] Like he's going to go, oh, I didn't know.

[506] Go ahead.

[507] But I was like, that was my defense.

[508] I'm just getting my fucking bathing suit.

[509] I wasn't...

[510] being a dick and then he goes fuck you learn how to drive and so I get out of the car and then I stand up and I come out here I stand out of the car and I go come out here be a man prove you're a fucking man oh no you didn't why would you do that oh my god you're crazy at a fucking Starbucks now everyone's like do you know how to fight at all no but I know yeah I know how to and this was LA right this is LA oh my god wait a minute do you have martial arts training none whatsoever you don't know how to box you never wrestled never boxed never wrestled no sparring just fist fights in college god damn dude what are you doing are you crazy exactly Exactly.

[511] And it was at that moment that I realized if he walked out, I would have to fist fight.

[512] Right.

[513] What if he's good?

[514] What do you do if you get out there and you start talking shit to a dude and a dude just holds his hands up real natural and starts bouncing around on his toes?

[515] I get my car and drive away.

[516] Or he just pulls out a gun and shoots you.

[517] Yeah.

[518] This is L .A. Yeah.

[519] That too.

[520] But it's that moment that you need.

[521] You might beat your ass first.

[522] Yeah.

[523] You need that one moment where you go, all right, that's never going to happen again.

[524] Yeah.

[525] Why have unnecessary conflict?

[526] That's an unnecessary moment.

[527] That's like just management right there.

[528] That's management of stress and emotions.

[529] Yes.

[530] Because really, you don't even know this guy.

[531] If that was you, what if you had done this and the guy who you cut off was like your best friend?

[532] And you cut him off and you're like, fuck, I can't believe I cut Mike off.

[533] Mike's my best friend.

[534] Your interaction with this guy is all based on this conflict that you're having.

[535] But those thoughts don't go through your mind.

[536] No, no, no. But you can rewire your brain to try to think like that.

[537] Was he driving a Prius?

[538] No. driving a teal BMW.

[539] Prius is a douchebag.

[540] I was going to say, I might have done it if I saw a Prius.

[541] He had a teal BMW.

[542] I told you I'm on an eight, eight count, eight so far.

[543] I've seen eight Priuses flick cigarettes out their windows.

[544] Eight.

[545] That's crazy.

[546] It's amazing.

[547] I started noticing it in San Francisco.

[548] I'm like, why do I keep seeing these eco cunts throwing cigarettes out their window?

[549] They have some weird justification.

[550] Well, you could also think that you could just own a Prius because you want to save money on gas.

[551] You don't give a shit about fucking...

[552] I swear to God I unplugged this fucking cunty phone.

[553] It's funny now.

[554] It's not funny, dude.

[555] What?

[556] Call from what?

[557] Planned Parenthood, Joe.

[558] Planned Parenthood.

[559] I don't...

[560] John Mendoza, it sounds like.

[561] How do you hear Planned Parenthood?

[562] I'm always thinking Planned Parenthood, you know?

[563] If anybody should, you, you should.

[564] It's a great place to pick up chicks.

[565] It's the subway right underneath the Planned Parenthood.

[566] Get a bunch of sad girls.

[567] So what were we talking about before we got cut out?

[568] Yeah, don't go and get an advice, man. I mean, it's like a total hippie thing to say, well, look at that guy as if he's your brother and treat him as such.

[569] But, you know, a lot of shit can be avoided just with, like...

[570] cool talking to people.

[571] Shit that could just turn your whole life into ugliness.

[572] Oh, dude.

[573] One fucking...

[574] I knew a guy in college that punched a dude one time and killed him.

[575] He fell back on a thing.

[576] Kevin James went to...

[577] He was a bouncer for a while and he was a bouncer with this dude and a fight broke out between some drunks.

[578] Something happened.

[579] Bouncer punched this kid.

[580] The kid fell unconscious and banged his head off the curb and died.

[581] the bouncer fucking college kid is trying to make some money.

[582] All of a sudden he's in jail for like years.

[583] You know, it was like some serious shit.

[584] He got charged with manslaughter.

[585] I think that's a lot of the reason why I wear hats and sunglasses so much.

[586] And I always look at the ground.

[587] I've never, cause especially out here, I don't want, I don't care.

[588] I don't need to talk to anybody.

[589] If I want to talk to somebody, I'll go to you, you know, type of attitude.

[590] Like I like.

[591] people it's funny when you see those people that hand out things on the streets you know like flyers or people like trying to get you to sign things when you walk into the grocery store you see that i watch them like go hey to every person and i get up and they don't say a word to me they like because i purposely sent out a vibe to be like Don't talk to me. Yeah, I'm not happy when they get me in the parking lot of the supermarket when I'm trying to put my groceries into the truck.

[592] Yeah.

[593] You know, what are you doing?

[594] This guy comes up to me with his one finger up in the air, okay?

[595] Holding it up in the air, like above his head, and he points it at me and he goes, do you have one minute for gay rights?

[596] No. Do you have one minute for gay rights?

[597] We're talking about lesbo rights.

[598] And I was like, dude, I'm going to my fucking car.

[599] Get out of here.

[600] This is nonsense.

[601] And I have one minute for you.

[602] This ain't about gay rights, man. You're not going to fix gay rights by me giving you a dollar or by me giving you my fucking email address.

[603] That's not going to fix gay rights.

[604] What's going to fix gay rights is voting and people learning how to be nice to each other and not being prejudiced.

[605] Not some fucking weirdo who accosts you in a parking lot with a finger in your face.

[606] Do you have one minute for gay rights?

[607] just so pronouncedly offensively gay.

[608] Yeah.

[609] You know, with his finger in my face.

[610] Gay guys.

[611] Come on, man. Gay guys have just fucking hate me. Why?

[612] I don't know.

[613] They see me and I think they just look at me and they're like, fucking that guy was a nightmare in high school.

[614] Think you're homophobic?

[615] Oh, in a heartbeat.

[616] I'm the furthest thing from homophobic.

[617] I think you look like a decent bear, you know?

[618] I do.

[619] A decent bear.

[620] Bears, for the folks at home that are innocent, is what a hairy, overweight gay man is.

[621] A bear.

[622] That's what they call it.

[623] And now a bunch of people are looking at this going, oh, that is right.

[624] Do you have chest hair?

[625] Yeah, a little bit.

[626] This show got so gay right there.

[627] Both you two, you just almost kissed.

[628] Have you ever seen a gay porn?

[629] Yes, accidentally.

[630] Accidentally?

[631] Me too, and I watched it for 45 minutes.

[632] I've seen a bunch of shit on my website.

[633] There's always stuff.

[634] But one time, I picked up this girl in Long Island, and we went back to her place.

[635] And she said, there's this video that's here that was here when I moved in.

[636] I think it's porn.

[637] And I go, oh, yeah?

[638] And so she throws it in, and it's these two dudes in the woods.

[639] And one dude's got his back against a tree, and the other dude is looking at him.

[640] I'm like, why is he looking at him like that?

[641] And I'm like, I didn't know it was a gay porn.

[642] I thought it was a porn.

[643] You put a lot of backstory in this.

[644] And I'm like, yeah, man, this is going to be a strange story.

[645] I never did like the story ones.

[646] I like the clips.

[647] Just cut right to the bone, and I don't need to know that you're a pizza man, okay?

[648] So anyway, this dude pulls the guy's pants down and starts sucking his cock, and I literally started hyperventilating.

[649] I was like, what?

[650] I'd never seen, mind you, you kids today, you grow up, this is the age of the internet.

[651] You see dudes sucking dick all the time.

[652] I had never seen a man actually suck a dick until this moment, and I was probably 22 years old, somewhere around then, 22, 23.

[653] So.

[654] This guy starts sucking this guy's cock.

[655] And I was like, wow, they really do do it.

[656] That's what I thought in my head.

[657] Like, I knew that's what gay was.

[658] Like, I lived in San Francisco for three years when I was younger.

[659] Actually, my aunt, I told this story before, but my aunt used to get high with these gay guys that lived next door.

[660] And they used to smoke pot and get naked together.

[661] And, like, one guy would play the bongos, and they were really weird.

[662] And it was, like, this big, muscular black guy and his white little bitch boyfriend.

[663] And my aunt would go over and smoke pot.

[664] So I grew up with gay people.

[665] It didn't bother me. But watching the guy actually suck the cock, I'm like, whoa, you can't take that back, dude.

[666] You are sucking a cock on video.

[667] I can't believe they can get people to do it.

[668] I couldn't believe that they could get people to do it.

[669] Even if you were gay, you want people to know that much?

[670] You want people to see the gay stuff?

[671] I used to have a joke about, you're going to hate this.

[672] Why would I hate it?

[673] Because I used to say, I looked at the audience and said, who's seen gay porn?

[674] No one.

[675] I said, who's seen the UFC?

[676] And then everyone.

[677] I go, here's my pitch.

[678] Mix the two genres.

[679] Right?

[680] Fights where the winner gets to fuck the loser in the ass.

[681] I'm not saying anyone would watch the entire fight, but how hard would you fight if your asshole was on the line?

[682] You would fight hard as shit.

[683] No tap outs.

[684] No tap outs.

[685] Just the best part that I thought would be after the guy is unconscious, watching Brock Lesnar try to get hard in the thing.

[686] Like, I just don't want to get hard before I can fuck him in the ass.

[687] Come on, come on, come on, come on.

[688] So what if that, yeah, what if he takes him down to rape him and the guy's out, he can't get it up.

[689] Can't get it up and he's just sitting there and then the guy starts coming to him.

[690] No contest?

[691] Who is that?

[692] He didn't win by tap.

[693] He didn't tap that ass.

[694] But yeah.

[695] Why would I hate that, though?

[696] That's hilarious.

[697] I don't know.

[698] I just thought, like UFC guys.

[699] Because it brings up the whole, when they're so gay with two guys rubbing dicks.

[700] Well, guys like you like to think it's gay.

[701] Actually, you know what?

[702] I might have thought that when I first thought of it the first time ever.

[703] But now I don't think of it.

[704] But it's funny.

[705] Every time I go to open mics and stuff like that, whenever they talk about UFC, that comes up.

[706] Sure.

[707] That's like Asian drivers or black guys don't tip.

[708] It's all right there.

[709] It's a hot topic.

[710] Well, it's the easiest.

[711] conclusion to draw, you know?

[712] Yeah.

[713] You know, you see these guys in their underwear looking gay.

[714] They stopped wearing the tight ones.

[715] Some guys wear the tight ones.

[716] Yeah.

[717] George St. Pierre will still rock the tights.

[718] Yeah.

[719] Package there.

[720] You know what I'm saying?

[721] He's just smuggling it.

[722] Now, would you ever fight in UFC?

[723] No, I would not.

[724] Never.

[725] I don't think you should ever dabble in fighting.

[726] I think fighting is a very, very, very dangerous thing, and you should be obsessed with it, and it should be your sole focus.

[727] You shouldn't be a stand -up comedian slash...

[728] You know, author slash podiatrist slash UFC fighter.

[729] No, when was the last fist fight you got in?

[730] Like a provoked street fist fight?

[731] Not since I was in high school.

[732] Really?

[733] Yeah.

[734] By the time I was in high school, I was already a martial arts champion.

[735] See, I was so scared of getting bullied and kids fucking with me that I just became obsessed with martial arts.

[736] And so when I was, you know, 16...

[737] I was already winning all these big tournaments when I was 17.

[738] I was the Massachusetts State Championship.

[739] I was fighting in the men's divisions when I was a kid, when I was like 15 and 16.

[740] So most of the kids that I knew at the time, they all knew that I was doing that.

[741] But I would assume.

[742] People just left me alone.

[743] But I was still terrified.

[744] I was still scared.

[745] Even when I was fighting in tournaments, I was afraid of bullies and getting my ass kicked.

[746] I didn't totally believe that I could kick someone's ass.

[747] Really?

[748] Even when I was knocking out grown men in sparring.

[749] You know, and then, you know, having fucking wars in the gym, I would still run into bullies and, you know, kids that I knew that were like bullies and I'd be scared of them.

[750] I just did.

[751] I didn't want him to fuck with me. I wanted to make sure I can get away from let me just go around the outside.

[752] Like even when I was winning fights against trained fighters, I was still like it fucks with your head.

[753] Me and my friends that we all got bullied by the same bullies, you know, but we were all like the artist kids, you know, what we'd always do is like.

[754] like, draw pictures of them, like, with cocks in their mouth and stuff like that.

[755] And just, like, put them around, like, the bathrooms and, like, the girls' bathrooms.

[756] We'd throw them in there.

[757] We'd just turn around the corner and just toss a bunch of drawings in there.

[758] Like, you know, let's say, like, you know.

[759] Did you copy them or did you just rake the same drawing over?

[760] No, we copied them.

[761] With a copy machine?

[762] Yeah.

[763] But we would make it, like, kind of like currency.

[764] And they knew we were the artists drawing people.

[765] Brian, your mic is so much louder than everybody's mic.

[766] We knew.

[767] It's the same thing.

[768] Same thing as yesterday.

[769] Is there a set?

[770] I'm so much lower on this board.

[771] If you can come look at it.

[772] Maybe your mic is better than ours.

[773] I don't know.

[774] I'm sorry.

[775] I'm sorry.

[776] But anyway, so we would draw a bunch of different ones.

[777] So there was like all these kind of like $5 bill, $10 bill, $20 bill, different kind of currency of bullies with dicks and cocks and stuff like that.

[778] Hilarious.

[779] That's so funny.

[780] Yeah.

[781] I wanted to.

[782] I just pitched the Travel Channel.

[783] They were trying to think of ways to promote my new show, and I thought I had the most genius idea.

[784] I was like, what if you made, like, busts?

[785] A bust of me, like, this big, right?

[786] Just my bust, like, with my mouth open, and it fit over urinal mints.

[787] Like urinal cages.

[788] So you'd put them in urinals all over the country, just me with my mouth open so people could piss in my mouth.

[789] I was like, everyone would fucking talk about those.

[790] And, like, I thought it would, like, spread like wildfire.

[791] And they looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind.

[792] I'm fairly confident that I would never have come up with that idea.

[793] But if you saw one in a bar, would you not bring it up?

[794] I would never want anybody pissing in any symbolic mouth of mine.

[795] Because I don't want to give anybody that idea.

[796] I don't want dudes to go, yeah, after we piss in his mouth, what's...

[797] Fuck him in his mind.

[798] I hadn't thought it all the way through, possibly.

[799] Hold him down.

[800] You jerk off in his hair and I'm going to shit on his chest.

[801] I don't want to open up the door for anything degrading.

[802] It wasn't flushed out, but I thought it would be one of those marketing geniuses.

[803] You would want to give people something that everybody wants and needs and doesn't really have on them.

[804] If you want to give them lighters or something like that, with Burke the Conqueror lighters, or give them something they're going to use so they're going to enjoy the fact that, oh, I got this from Burke the Conqueror, like a keychain.

[805] Don't use a fucking keychain, man. That's silly.

[806] That's just more shit to have in your pocket.

[807] Put your fucking key in your pocket.

[808] Right.

[809] Yeah.

[810] You know, but like, you know.

[811] birth to conquer key chains.

[812] That's not going to come up.

[813] That's not good.

[814] But, but like maybe a lighter, no, especially people who are smokers.

[815] I was, I told him to print like a thousand stickers and just send them to kids.

[816] That'll, and then they'll get annoyed, you know, stick their stickers, birth to conquer a cunt.

[817] He's got his fucking stickers all over my school.

[818] What is a, what is a thing though that you could use that would really help people besides like pens and shit like that?

[819] Like what would people enjoy?

[820] Is there a piece of swag that people would actually be happy to get?

[821] Brian, you're into all that shit.

[822] Yeah, you know, the thing I would think of, iPhone cases.

[823] That's not a bad move.

[824] Because, I mean, I know so many chicks that have no iPhone case.

[825] I'm like, dude, you're so fucking stupid.

[826] You're going to break this.

[827] You know, you're going to drop it.

[828] It looks so dope without a case.

[829] It does look dope, but all their excuses is like, I know, I just need to get on.

[830] It is pretty stupid that you have to have a case, too.

[831] That bothers the shit out of me, man. I think that's so dumb.

[832] I had that little rubber bumper on.

[833] I dropped it.

[834] Shattered.

[835] Really?

[836] Yeah.

[837] I got a good fat rubber one now.

[838] What about Burt the Conqueror magnetic wristbands?

[839] Oh, those hologram bullshit bands?

[840] Yeah, those bullshit bands.

[841] I've seen so many high -level fighters wearing those things, and it makes me so sad.

[842] It's like, why don't you just take a chicken head and wrap that around your neck?

[843] Do some voodoo, yeah.

[844] But it works.

[845] What is that, Brian?

[846] See, this is like a rubber iPhone case that I got the other day from some Japanese anime.

[847] For the folks listening on iTunes, he's holding up some sort of a...

[848] Oh, you just got that for free?

[849] Japanese iPhone case.

[850] No, I didn't get it for free, but I'm just saying if you feel it, this is like a cheap...

[851] That is a cheap product.

[852] Well, they cost like $30, though, dude.

[853] Yeah, but that's super markup.

[854] If you go to eBay, if you go to Amazon, you can get like a box of these.

[855] Really?

[856] So how much do you think that would cost to get printed out?

[857] Like a dollar?

[858] Well, I think probably just the part alone.

[859] I say, like, not even $1 .13, something like that, something cheap.

[860] How did you come up with $1 .13?

[861] Because it seems more official.

[862] It does, right?

[863] If you added, like, an extra number in there.

[864] I bet there's a company on the Internet that you can print out your own iPhone cases.

[865] What about Birth to Conqueror sunscreen?

[866] Like little packets of sunscreen.

[867] That's not a bad idea.

[868] As long as you know that it doesn't give you cancer or something.

[869] Because I've read some crazy shit about sunscreen actually contributing to cancer in some people.

[870] Fucking great.

[871] Yeah.

[872] All I do is lather and sunscreen.

[873] I do too, man. I have a friend of mine who's got skin cancer right now.

[874] He had a big chunk of meat removed from his head.

[875] Now, how did he notice?

[876] Was it itchy?

[877] Here's the scary thing.

[878] He went to a dermatologist and the dermatologist said nothing.

[879] The dermatologist said, I don't think you should worry about it.

[880] And then a year later.

[881] He went to another dermatologist, and it turns out it's skin cancer.

[882] And it was pretty deep.

[883] They had to really dig into his head to cut it out.

[884] Wow, that's scary.

[885] Because, I mean, I have this one...

[886] I'm a mole -y motherfucker.

[887] You mole -y bitch.

[888] I have this one mole on my back that always feels so weird.

[889] It's like crusty feeling sometimes.

[890] And then I went to the dermatologist, and they're like, oh, no, that's fine.

[891] Here, look at these pictures.

[892] See that?

[893] That's what you want to look out for, where it looks like red dots, and it's like all crazy looking.

[894] And I'm like, okay.

[895] But I've always thought, no, that's not right.

[896] Oh, I haven't checked out 10 times.

[897] I'm a massive hypochondriac.

[898] Oh, you really?

[899] Oh, I found a fucking ingrown hair under my arm one time, and because I just hung out with Schimmel, I was like, I got fucking non -Hodgkin's little...

[900] Lymphoma.

[901] This is how it starts.

[902] Oh, my God.

[903] And I fucking convinced myself.

[904] Whole flight home.

[905] Went straight to the doctor.

[906] And she looked at it.

[907] She goes, it's an ingrown hair.

[908] Holy shit, dude.

[909] Check this out.

[910] I had an ingrown hair in my belly button.

[911] Do you remember this?

[912] Oh, my God.

[913] I got to see this.

[914] This is like four or five.

[915] Again, this show turned gay.

[916] Oh, my God.

[917] I got to see this.

[918] That would look amazing in my mouth.

[919] If you have an ingrown toenail, anything ingrown that's pussing, I'm dying to see it.

[920] Oh, yeah.

[921] Really?

[922] You haven't typed in bot fly.

[923] Botfly extraction?

[924] I have seen that.

[925] I want one so bad.

[926] What the fuck is wrong with you?

[927] Just the idea to pull it out.

[928] Maybe I don't want one.

[929] I want my wife to get one.

[930] So you can pull it out?

[931] Oh, that looks awesome.

[932] Let me see your...

[933] Can't those things...

[934] No, it'll happen now.

[935] This is like four or five years ago.

[936] You got a weird pus thing going on, son.

[937] You don't do that.

[938] I'll fucking...

[939] If I get anything like a good pimple, oh my God.

[940] It swelled up my belly button to the point where you couldn't even put your finger in it.

[941] And then one day it just filled up with blood and yellow.

[942] stuff and white stuff.

[943] You've got to be really careful about staph infections.

[944] This is for anybody that listens to the podcast.

[945] Please, if you have any weird infection on your body that maybe is a spider bite, I don't know what it is, go to a fucking doctor and get that checked out because you could fucking die.

[946] Staph infections are scary shit.

[947] You probably don't know the comic.

[948] His name is Roy Johnson.

[949] He's from Tampa, right?

[950] I'm going on Facebook one day and I click on it and the thing, his post is doctors say it looks like I'll keep my leg.

[951] And now I'm like...

[952] What the fuck, right?

[953] So I go to his page, and I start clicking back, older posts, to find out what happened.

[954] So I go back two weeks later, and it starts like he's at the Dayton Funny Bone, and he's like, yeah, so I got a weird bite on my leg last night.

[955] I wonder if it's a spider bite.

[956] I'm going to get some calamine lotion next day.

[957] It's getting worse the day after that.

[958] Okay, this is really starting to concern me the day after that.

[959] I'm having a hard time walking.

[960] And you can see it getting worse and worse and worse, and then he ends up in a hospital.

[961] He's like, doctors say I'll keep my leg.

[962] And I'm like, oh, fuck.

[963] It's like this guy.

[964] What was it?

[965] I have no idea.

[966] It must have been MRSA.

[967] It must have been that there's a crazy strain of staff.

[968] We talked about...

[969] The antibiotics, Brian, about people not taking their antibiotics in the full dose so it doesn't kill the bacteria.

[970] And it creates things, these antibiotic -resistant strains of infection.

[971] And staph is one of the scariest ones, man. Oh, fuck, yeah.

[972] Donna D 'Erico apparently has it real bad.

[973] Who?

[974] The Baywatch chick, Donna D 'Erico.

[975] Shut up.

[976] She got MRSA.

[977] She got it real bad, apparently.

[978] It was in the news.

[979] She was in really bad shape.

[980] I always worry about that at Barry's boot camp.

[981] Because I don't think they clean it.

[982] Well, this is what you've got to make sure.

[983] When you ever get any sort of scratch, there's a company called Defense Soap that has a bunch of different salves and all these different things.

[984] And they're all natural oils that kill any funky infections.

[985] But any open wound, any open scratch, you've got to clean that.

[986] That has to be cleaned, and you have to make sure you put something on it.

[987] These ointments and salves, they're all natural.

[988] It's all like eucalyptus oil and tea tree oil.

[989] Kills all funky shit.

[990] Just give yourself a fighting chance.

[991] Dudes run around with deep scratches and they don't do anything about it.

[992] You don't clean it and then it gets infected.

[993] You could fucking lose your arm.

[994] That's no joke, man. I know a dude who got one in his elbow and his elbow was fucked up.

[995] He got it in jujitsu.

[996] Didn't know what it was.

[997] Hurt him.

[998] Didn't do anything for a while.

[999] And by the time he went to a doctor, he's a tough guy.

[1000] He's an Australian dude.

[1001] By the time he went to a doctor, it's too late.

[1002] He had this giant hole in his arm.

[1003] His arm had swollen up this monstrous looking thing that's twice the size of a normal elbow.

[1004] Fuck that.

[1005] It happened to Ari Shafir, too.

[1006] Ari got one on his knee.

[1007] And we were playing pool, and I saw him limping around the pool table.

[1008] I go, what the fuck is going on?

[1009] And he goes, I got bit by a spider.

[1010] And as soon as he said that to me, I said, oh, fuck.

[1011] You know, I had had staph once, and I was lucky that somebody pointed it out to me. I didn't know what it was.

[1012] I got it really, really early.

[1013] It was just a few pimples on my leg.

[1014] And my friend Tate looked at it.

[1015] He goes, dude, what is that on your leg?

[1016] And I go, I don't know.

[1017] Was it zits or something?

[1018] He goes, I think you got staph, man. You got to go get that checked out.

[1019] And what it is is it's.

[1020] It's folliculitis.

[1021] I forget what the actual term is.

[1022] But when you see like follicles that are like little infected follicles, that's the beginning.

[1023] That's the beginning of a staph infection.

[1024] And it could be nothing.

[1025] It could go away.

[1026] Or it can get ugly and be nasty.

[1027] And Aries had turned into like this swollen, pussy -looking thing that looked like he had been bit by something.

[1028] And it was just a rampant staph infection.

[1029] So wait, how do you get rid of it?

[1030] Well, he had to go on some serious antibiotics.

[1031] And he got it again.

[1032] He got staph again.

[1033] like a year later.

[1034] Wait, how's he getting it?

[1035] Well, he got it from jujitsu.

[1036] He got it from jujitsu.

[1037] And that happens in jujitsu.

[1038] And the way it happens is you're getting scratched and scraped and you're sparring.

[1039] And when you're sparring, you're essentially going pretty much full clip on each other.

[1040] And you get...

[1041] cuts and your knees scratch on the ground and and if you don't wash yourself like Ari would just like fucking he would just like not take a shower at all even that night and he would have like 10 dudes rape sweat all over him just leaking into various holes in his body he's just a honeypot of disease in a bed festering and then some poor shit gets in that same bed the next week and fucking the next town and bangs chicks in that bed and by the way Ari changes his sheets no bullshit once every six months He went six months without changing his sheets.

[1042] No, I think it was even longer than that.

[1043] Really?

[1044] Because it was like a very long time.

[1045] And he wonders why the fuck he gets staff.

[1046] Yo, dude, you got to clean your house, son.

[1047] I love that video of his asshole.

[1048] Oh, so strange.

[1049] Oh, my God, it's the best.

[1050] So strange.

[1051] It really defines what hemorrhoids really are.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] I didn't know what they were.

[1054] Prolapsed anus.

[1055] Your butt's popping out from the inside.

[1056] How do you do stand -up with that in the back of your pants?

[1057] I know, man. How do you show it to everybody and not give a fuck?

[1058] I can't even sit on my wallet and Ari's sitting on a golf ball.

[1059] I think it's comfortable, though.

[1060] It's like squishy.

[1061] It's probably like those things you put in your shoe.

[1062] Like an air mattress?

[1063] No. Like the Dr. Scholes.

[1064] He's just gelling.

[1065] He's just gelling.

[1066] Ari's just gelling, Mike Magellan.

[1067] Hey, Ari, how you doing?

[1068] Just gelling.

[1069] Just gelling.

[1070] Oh, no. Jelly donating.

[1071] His mind works totally different than mine.

[1072] So I was talking to him about getting on, smoking weed to get a prescription for flying because I have a terrible fear of flying.

[1073] He's like, dude, you just got to take one of these gel tabs.

[1074] And I'm telling you, man, like him and Ralphie.

[1075] Yeah.

[1076] Two people that I just don't under.

[1077] Hey, player, just take two of these.

[1078] Don't listen.

[1079] Don't listen.

[1080] I think they're fucking being dicks.

[1081] They don't mean to, but I took half of one and was melted.

[1082] Yeah, a breast strip, one of those little things, if you get a hold of those jammies, you take a half.

[1083] Take a half if you're an OG.

[1084] Just don't eat any.

[1085] Yeah, don't eat anything if you didn't make it yourself, man. It's just too hard to know the dosage.

[1086] They got to regulate that shit.

[1087] Yeah, it's not fucking like dudes that work in Intel making microchips with fucking lab coats on.

[1088] It's some asshole in a tie -dyed t -shirt and a goofy ponytail.

[1089] And he's throwing some shit into a bowl.

[1090] And if he's making it, he clearly has a high tolerance.

[1091] Yeah.

[1092] He's like, who am I going to make this for fucking kids?

[1093] Exactly.

[1094] There's a dude that came to visit us.

[1095] And he came to visit us at the John Lovitz Club.

[1096] And he gave me...

[1097] me and joey after the show we both like just sat there and joey always leaves he always leaves yeah always you know if i go on stage i know that's the second show by the time i get off stage joey's gone i got off stage i'm saying hi i'm saying bye to the staff thank you everybody blah blah blah gathering all my shit and i see joey sitting in a chair yeah i ain't gonna lie to your dog i ain't moving I ain't moving, Joe Rogan.

[1098] That's how high I am.

[1099] You're not going anywhere either.

[1100] Stay here with me, cocksucker.

[1101] Stay here.

[1102] The whole time he was sitting there watching you, Joe, when you're on stage, sweating, like hand going like a thousand miles a moment, just sweating.

[1103] He would look at me and get those eyes.

[1104] You know, he's like looking at you like that.

[1105] The point being, these motherfuckers and their cookies, man, they were too strong.

[1106] Ari ate, they had these, what are those called, biscottis?

[1107] The guy told me, only eat a half.

[1108] Ari ate a whole one.

[1109] And Joey ate one and a half of them.

[1110] Oh, no. Yeah, Joey ate one and a half.

[1111] The guy says, eat a half.

[1112] Joey goes, ha!

[1113] I laugh in the face of danger.

[1114] He just ate all of it, yeah.

[1115] Now, what happens to your brain when you get, is getting too high like getting too drunk?

[1116] No. it's when you get really, really high, especially if you eat it, it's really psychedelic.

[1117] It's very, it's, uh, it's really introspective and it really brings up your past and you start thinking about all kinds of weird shit about your childhood and things that you did, you know, that you're upset that you did to someone when you were like seven, you know, you'll, you just start really tripping out about weird shit.

[1118] And it's, it's much more, uh, it's, it's, it's like a much deeper, much more like.

[1119] psychedelic trip than just smoking it.

[1120] When you smoke it, you get really high, you get paranoid, you get hyper aware, you start feeling really vulnerable, you start being really sensitive to shit.

[1121] But when you eat it, you start hallucinating.

[1122] Especially when you close your eyes.

[1123] When you eat it and you close your eyes, dude, I always, for me, for whatever reason, it's cartoons fucking.

[1124] That's what I see.

[1125] I see these really bizarre, alien, impossible to describe cartoons fucking.

[1126] And I can never exactly see what they look like.

[1127] Because whatever they look like right now is not what they look like a second from now.

[1128] They just keep morphing and changing.

[1129] And it's like some sort of these alien cartoons fucking.

[1130] That's what I see every time I close my eyes when I get super baked.

[1131] That's what I know.

[1132] If I've eaten like a pot cookie.

[1133] That's when I know I'm deep in the terror zone.

[1134] Really?

[1135] Yeah.

[1136] You get into that strange place of it's almost feels like you feel like you are now in another dimension.

[1137] Like you've entered into an alien world.

[1138] You look at the world around you, the mechanical world, like airplanes and pilots and stewardesses.

[1139] cars and trolleys and you look at all that shit and the mechanical interfacing it all becomes like you become like super aware of it all and it feels like an alien world you because there's a world all around you that you've totally taken for granted that is completely bizarre the world of you climbing into a metal box with these squishy rubber tires connected to this hard pavement they've created and molded over the earth and you're you're in this box and while this is happening the giant fucking nuclear explosion that lights everything up and you're spinning around it going a million miles an hour through the fucking universe it's it's just too much man and you have to compartmentalize your life and what pot does is it doesn't let you compartmentalize you can't say well i gotta get the kids to school you know pot goes yeah you do But look at what life really is.

[1140] Look at space.

[1141] It goes on forever.

[1142] Inside every galaxy, there's a black hole.

[1143] Inside every black hole is another universe filled with hundreds of billions of galaxies, each with a black hole, each with another universe with hundreds of billions of galaxies.

[1144] And the whole mass of it all just starts fucking overwhelming you.

[1145] That's the problem with pot.

[1146] That's why people think, like, you know, people go, oh, it makes me paranoid.

[1147] You know, you should be paranoid.

[1148] If you were really smart, you would realize, A, the shit all ends.

[1149] It's going to stop for all of us.

[1150] Are we trying to get me into an anxiety attack?

[1151] Jesus Christ.

[1152] That's something that we ignore.

[1153] I think we should appreciate the moment, but we should be aware that it's temporary.

[1154] And to deny it and just to put it in the back, that's not helping you.

[1155] Because then when the pot comes on and you get super paranoid about that, what you're super paranoid about is about something you haven't really addressed in your own mind.

[1156] You haven't come to grips with it.

[1157] It's a real fucking thing that one day you will find out.

[1158] Is there a God?

[1159] Is there a devil?

[1160] Is there fucking space aliens that take you away in their crafts?

[1161] Right, or is this one step in an endless cycle of things that you can't even recognize what the next one is?

[1162] It's so bizarre and alien.

[1163] This is alien, man. This world that we live in, if we didn't live in this world, we were some sort of an empty, rational, objective being that was looking at human culture.

[1164] We would say, this way to live is the craziest thing ever.

[1165] That's why.

[1166] That's why if I ever get really rich, I'm moving to Idaho.

[1167] I'm buying a mountain.

[1168] I'm making a huge rock sculpture of myself with paintings carved into the mountain of what I did, like real outrageous stories.

[1169] Because that's the only thing that's going to be left.

[1170] You're going to go make Pharaoh, Pharaoh Kreischer.

[1171] Because that's all that's left, man. That's all that's left.

[1172] All the steel crumbles.

[1173] It's going to be me, Crazy Horse, and the fucking four presidents.

[1174] And they'll be like, who is this Bert?

[1175] How dope is that crazy horror structure?

[1176] They're still working on that thing.

[1177] I'll be doing that shit, too.

[1178] That's what you should do.

[1179] Joe, let's do this, okay?

[1180] I will spearhead this.

[1181] I will quit comedy tomorrow, okay?

[1182] Okay.

[1183] I don't need a lot of money.

[1184] All I need is a bunch of dynamite.

[1185] Dynamite.

[1186] And I just want to be your sidekick.

[1187] Do you know how to do this?

[1188] No, figure that shit out.

[1189] Would you figure it out?

[1190] Lewis and Clark made it across the fucking country.

[1191] Dude, I've been watching this new show.

[1192] I think it's called The Wild Within.

[1193] It's a new show on the Travel Channel.

[1194] It's on the Travel Channel with Steve Renna, yeah.

[1195] Dude, I watched it last night for the first time.

[1196] I saw the ads and I started TiVo -ing it.

[1197] Fuck, it's awesome, man. Dude.

[1198] And he went to Lewis and Clarkway through Montana.

[1199] Dude goes pit bull hunting for fucking boar next week.

[1200] Jesus Christ.

[1201] Like old school.

[1202] We're taking some pit bulls.

[1203] We're getting a boar.

[1204] Dude, I had a dog that was trained for that shit.

[1205] I had this Hawaiian pit bull that they use for wild hog hunting.

[1206] He was crazy.

[1207] Frank, you remember Frank?

[1208] Frank was crazy.

[1209] That was a dog.

[1210] I could not stop that dog from wanting to attack other animals.

[1211] He was bred to go after hogs.

[1212] So he was like super, super aggressive.

[1213] It was a tremendous pain.

[1214] in the ass.

[1215] Now, how's your dogs with the girls?

[1216] Oh, they're great.

[1217] The dogs that I have now are very, like, the Johnny, the big one, the Mastiff, is very calm.

[1218] He's, you know, he was, like, the guy who bred him bred dogs for Fear Factor, and he really is conscientious about how he mixes them.

[1219] He makes sure that dogs that are aggressive to people, or even other dogs, they never get to breed.

[1220] So he only breeds the best personalities, and he's been doing it for generation after generation, so he really is, and he's very proud of it.

[1221] So his dogs, Dogs have, like, the best temperament.

[1222] Like, I went over his house, and his dogs, like, they're these giant things.

[1223] But they're so calm and friendly.

[1224] And they come over to you to check you out and assess and make sure, okay, let me just make sure you're cool.

[1225] Okay, come on in.

[1226] Come on in.

[1227] Relax.

[1228] That's what I want.

[1229] Yeah.

[1230] You can get one of those.

[1231] I'll hook you up.

[1232] I wanted an Argentinian Mastiff.

[1233] Those are crazy.

[1234] You've got to be careful of those.

[1235] And why I didn't know.

[1236] And then I submitted, I sent an email to the lady, and then she sent back a questionnaire.

[1237] Yeah, do you have kids?

[1238] Yeah, first question, do you have kids?

[1239] And I was like, yeah.

[1240] Second question.

[1241] Do you plan on sleeping with a dog?

[1242] Yeah.

[1243] I was like, I don't understand.

[1244] You have to bond with them.

[1245] Is that what it is?

[1246] Yeah.

[1247] Before Mrs. Rogan moved in, I used to sleep with the dogs.

[1248] I used to sleep with two pit bulls in my bed.

[1249] Yeah.

[1250] Yeah.

[1251] They love it.

[1252] They love sleeping with you.

[1253] They love you, man. Dogs, you know, when you have a real relationship with dogs like that, they really are like this sort of subhuman baby that you have.

[1254] It's like it's not quite human.

[1255] You don't love them as much as that.

[1256] But, you know, there's an affectionate, like loving bond between you and a dog.

[1257] Well, ever since you and Callan like two weeks ago, last week, said like you guys were talking about how crazy is it that we're riding horses?

[1258] Yeah.

[1259] Like I started looking at animals like just sitting in my house like.

[1260] It's weird.

[1261] I got fucking dominion over that bitch.

[1262] Yeah.

[1263] Well, what's weird is.

[1264] when they can kill you and they don't know.

[1265] Like when you have a pit bull or my mastiff.

[1266] He could kill me. I've worked with chimpanzees maybe four or five times.

[1267] I had a chimpanzee.

[1268] An adult?

[1269] An adult chimpanzee on my shoulders with both ears in his hands.

[1270] Oh no. For fucking Spike TV.

[1271] And I was like making 13 grand an episode.

[1272] Oh my god, you're crazy.

[1273] Fucking possibility of my nose being bitten off.

[1274] A real good possibility.

[1275] I've worked with chimpanzees a lot.

[1276] Was it a male?

[1277] Male chimpanzee.

[1278] Sitting on my neck.

[1279] John Moore, an EP I've worked with a ton of times, has a picture of it.

[1280] And he's just got both my ears in his hands.

[1281] I worked with a bear.

[1282] How big was he?

[1283] He was a fucking beast.

[1284] Like how big?

[1285] How much did he weigh?

[1286] He was like a 7th grader.

[1287] What was the 7th grader weigh?

[1288] 100 pounds?

[1289] Yeah, 100 pounds.

[1290] Still sort of an adolescent.

[1291] It wasn't fully grown.

[1292] I wrestled a bear one time for that show.

[1293] Dude, that's the fucking scariest thing I've ever done in my life.

[1294] Did you ever see the video of that guy who was a trainer and the bear killed his brother or his cousin?

[1295] I think it was his brother.

[1296] It might be the same bear I worked with.

[1297] Really?

[1298] Because I worked with the bear that was a movie bear.

[1299] Yeah.

[1300] So it was like the bear that fucking fought Will Ferrell in the movie Semi -Pro.

[1301] Really?

[1302] I think this is the bear we're talking about, dude.

[1303] That bear killed somebody.

[1304] Hold on a second.

[1305] Let's find this out real quick because I think that is the case.

[1306] I think his name was Bam Bam or it's from Bam Bam's family.

[1307] One of the bears that we fought that day was named Bam Bam.

[1308] I know that.

[1309] Or I think that.

[1310] This podcast is filled with bear talk.

[1311] Semi -pro bear kills trainer.

[1312] Yeah.

[1313] That's the first thing that comes up.

[1314] What was the bear's name?

[1315] I think it was either Bam.

[1316] Rocky.

[1317] Rocky and Bam Bam were the two bears.

[1318] The massive animal who are named Rocky is being put through obedience exercises.

[1319] was being put through obedience exercises.

[1320] Wow, he just decided to just bite this dude on the neck.

[1321] Let me see a picture of where it is.

[1322] That looks like where it was.

[1323] Is it in California?

[1324] Yes.

[1325] Yeah.

[1326] Big Bear.

[1327] Yeah, we had to drive out.

[1328] Dude, this is the bear.

[1329] This bear killed somebody.

[1330] There's only like four bears you can work with.

[1331] It's like fucking black actresses.

[1332] So you worked with this murderer bear.

[1333] Wait, that was a really good joke.

[1334] We're going to pass by.

[1335] That was pretty good.

[1336] I'm sorry.

[1337] That's so true.

[1338] I wasn't even thinking about it.

[1339] I apologize.

[1340] I like how you claimed it, though.

[1341] You were like, stop, stop.

[1342] That was a good line.

[1343] Strong.

[1344] I like that.

[1345] It's like, how's Al Sharpton keep getting work?

[1346] Fuck, man. You guys can't do better than that guy.

[1347] That guy's the safest man in America.

[1348] No one's killing him.

[1349] It's so ridiculous.

[1350] No white supremacist is going to kill him.

[1351] They love what he does.

[1352] They don't care.

[1353] He's so buffoonish.

[1354] He gets up with his windows open.

[1355] Al Sharpton walked by the comedy store one night, and we were hammered.

[1356] It was me, and God, I think Ari was there.

[1357] Eddie Bravo was definitely there.

[1358] And he's walking by, and as he's walking by, like Al Sharpton, we all just start yelling out, Al Sharpton's a pimp.

[1359] Al Sharpton, work that motherfucker.

[1360] And everyone's yelling at, like, five different dudes, go get yours, Al. Fuck those dummies.

[1361] And he's, like, kind of waving and not knowing how to respond.

[1362] And we're just, like, letting, you know, we know you're a crook, but go ahead.

[1363] Go get it.

[1364] Did you hear how he got his...

[1365] The Tomorrow Broadly star?

[1366] No, his relaxed hair relaxed?

[1367] No. He used to look like fucking buckwheat.

[1368] Right.

[1369] And then...

[1370] Godfather of Soul, James Brown, said, I can get you a meeting with the president and we can get a, you know, we'll get in there tomorrow.

[1371] I think it was like, I want to say it was Nixon or fucking Reagan or Carter.

[1372] James Brown just called the office and was like, we got a meeting.

[1373] I saw it in the movie Good Hair.

[1374] We got a meeting.

[1375] And he goes, listen, I ain't taking you to meet the president if your hair aren't relaxed.

[1376] So he got his hair done just like James Brown.

[1377] No way.

[1378] It was on the movie Good Hair.

[1379] Best fucking movie I've seen in the longest time.

[1380] You cannot go through TSA and not guess if black women have fucking weaves.

[1381] It makes you reassess black women entirely.

[1382] Oh, that's funny.

[1383] It's the best movie.

[1384] So anyway, on Hurt Burt, I had broken my ribs.

[1385] I got mauled by a bull.

[1386] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1387] It's online.

[1388] It's online.

[1389] Just type in Hurt Burt Rodeo.

[1390] And this is all from your show?

[1391] This is Hurt Burt.

[1392] This is one I did right after the X show.

[1393] It hit your side, right?

[1394] Where I met you like 10 years ago.

[1395] So.

[1396] It stepped on your foot and it hit your side or something?

[1397] Broke my ribs and broke my foot.

[1398] A bull did this to you?

[1399] Bull didn't teach me a fucking thing on this show.

[1400] They just bring me in and go, so today you're going to be a rodeo clown.

[1401] I go, what do I need to know?

[1402] And they just stay away from the bull and just let the bull loose, put me in the makeup.

[1403] Oh, my God.

[1404] And it just fucking broke.

[1405] It just mauled me. You're lucky you're alive, man. Dude, you have no fucking idea.

[1406] You have no fucking idea.

[1407] Who was responsible for this show?

[1408] Mark Cronin.

[1409] Who was the producer?

[1410] Mark Cronin, the guy who did Celebrity on VH1.

[1411] What year was this?

[1412] 2000?

[1413] Oh, so they really weren't hip to how dangerous all this shit was.

[1414] It was done through Fox, and they were literally like, I remember them going, it's simple.

[1415] We'll just pay him as a contestant, and then we'll give him the rest of his money for being a producer.

[1416] So I was covered.

[1417] Because you were a contestant.

[1418] Technically.

[1419] I was like a reality show contestant, so I was covered under that insurance clause.

[1420] And then I was just paid 80 % of the money as a producer, an executive producer on the show.

[1421] Wow.

[1422] But the idea was...

[1423] You can't sue yourself because you're a producer.

[1424] Right.

[1425] It's your idea.

[1426] And it's the most brilliant show that never took off.

[1427] It was Jackass Me's Dirty Jobs.

[1428] Do you want to see it, Joe?

[1429] I would go out and I would take dangerous jobs for a day.

[1430] So I was a professional football player, MMA fighter, hockey player, dominatrix, gimp.

[1431] Did you actually have an MMA fight?

[1432] No, I just fucking fought three Gracies at once.

[1433] And they just beat me up.

[1434] Yeah, so that was what I watched.

[1435] Man, what is it like putting your fucking body on the line like that all the time?

[1436] I was young, and I was in, and I just was like, and that was the theme of entertainment at the time, was that like, jackass, I had done this ass wax in like 2000 that had blown up before jackass.

[1437] You had done an ass wax?

[1438] It's the funniest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

[1439] I swear to God, if you're listening to this, just type in Burt, hurt Burt.

[1440] ass wax and it's it's longer because that's the way segments were made then but it is the funniest thing i've ever done in my the funniest wow like share got a hold of it and started passing around to people and like it got talk soup clip of the year how do i not know this that's the reason i'm not fucking i literally everything i've ever done is just kind of like fallen it happened how long is this clip uh it's too long too long yeah the ass wax but uh so then And then we did the bull thing.

[1441] I broke my ribs.

[1442] And so we had to kind of stay in the city because I couldn't really travel.

[1443] And they're like.

[1444] So after you broke your ribs, did they give you time off?

[1445] Say, okay, heal up.

[1446] And then you go right back at it?

[1447] They gave me like two weeks.

[1448] And then.

[1449] What?

[1450] Yeah, two weeks.

[1451] And then.

[1452] Two weeks off and you have broken ribs.

[1453] Two weeks I just laid in bed.

[1454] On bed rest.

[1455] Didn't do anything.

[1456] Right.

[1457] But you can't just go back out with broken ribs.

[1458] Because they can fracture and become embedded in your organs.

[1459] Yeah, yeah.

[1460] We didn't really think a lot of this through.

[1461] God damn, dude.

[1462] Dude, when I was a football player, we were doing helmet to helmet.

[1463] contact i basically shot a porn one day when i was the when i was the dominatrix camp i basically shot a porn really i mean i was naked and this girl was just fucking doing everything she could to my junk like putting weights on my balls and whoa and it was insane it was insane well it was there was it was the wild west of reality television because what was huge at the time's fear factor right everyone's eating shit and jumping out of shit and like crazy and so it was this next level stuff where you didn't know you could just host something and be charming and people would stick around for that you just had a take it to the next you had to fucking try to bring it and you were competing with that dog eat dog like jackass right so i forgot about dog eat dog i mean yeah it was like the craziest shit so then the the opus not the opus but like the height of it was towards the end when they were like hey do you want to fight a bear and i was like i was like who does that for a living and they're like you do on thursday oh my god sure enough man they just took me out and fucking dude what was that like uh terrifying because you see the bear he's totally wild like he's jumping up and down and there's like a crew there and I got this by this time I realized I don't have a really give a shit about my safety because I'd already gotten fucked up by the bull so what they're looking for is the end is to hurt Bert Bert to be hurt at the end so then I mean it's a little bit it's a little bit of a bit it's not a bit but the story is a story I get there and the trainer's like this is how we'll do it take these and he hands me five marshmallows he goes on the bear's not looking take a marshmallow and put it in your mouth and then casually walk in front of the bear and and show him the marshmallow like oh and allow the bear the opportunity to engage you and take the marshmallow out of your mouth with his mouth this way he'll learn to trust you and i'm like fuck that like who needs that trust like when i'm borrowing money from him oh my god but you don't know any better at the time i'm 28 years old maybe 29 oh my god and and i did it and then he goes all right we're ready So what the fuck was that like when that bear tongued you?

[1464] I felt like you were making out with a homeless person.

[1465] Like just fucking...

[1466] Bear lips look like a 17 -foot woman's vagina just going ear to ear on you.

[1467] And his giant teeth and his giant head.

[1468] And just tongue right behind the margin.

[1469] What is it like knowing that that bear went and killed somebody after that?

[1470] I don't know.

[1471] I think it's probably like the guys who missed their flight on 9 -11.

[1472] Like you don't think about it.

[1473] You don't go like...

[1474] Because I didn't die.

[1475] So I'm like...

[1476] You're the appetizer.

[1477] Fuck, dude.

[1478] But yeah, it's the...

[1479] I mean, the entire experience was like terrifying.

[1480] We ended up fighting.

[1481] And then they go, so look, if you're in trouble, just say marshmallow.

[1482] Because then that's your safe word and we'll get you out.

[1483] Marshmallow.

[1484] Yeah.

[1485] And so that fucking beginning of the fight, I'm like, fucking marshmallow.

[1486] Marshmallow.

[1487] And the bear's just throwing me around.

[1488] I'm like, marshmallow.

[1489] And then the bear put my face in his chest and I couldn't breathe.

[1490] And then...

[1491] And then he spun me doggy style and fucking had me in a bear hug where you're like helpless.

[1492] And then I just started looking at the crew and the trainer and I'm like, Marshmallow, get me the fuck out of here, Marshmallow.

[1493] And the trainer's like, go limp.

[1494] I'm like, please be talking to me right now and not the bear.

[1495] There's a bear cock climbing up my jeans.

[1496] Marshmallow.

[1497] But yeah, that's the, I mean, that's technically how it went down.

[1498] So they didn't save you.

[1499] No, I went lip and slid out the bear, and then the bear ended up sitting on my face.

[1500] And then my wife, they put a marshmallow in her mouth, and the bear got off, and then they pulled me away.

[1501] Oh, my God.

[1502] Is that not a line?

[1503] You let your wife get kissed on the bear after he was still worked up like that?

[1504] I would never do that.

[1505] She did it.

[1506] And then I went in and tamed lions that day.

[1507] Tamed four lions.

[1508] Dude.

[1509] Fucking washed an elephant.

[1510] I mean, literally.

[1511] What?

[1512] Wow.

[1513] Hurtbert was probably the greatest show no one ever saw.

[1514] God damn, dude.

[1515] You're giving me anxiety.

[1516] Just listen to these stories.

[1517] So why is it somebody with such anxiety?

[1518] It seems like you have a lot of anxiety and stuff that do all these crazy shows because you also do a show where you ride the craziest roller coasters and you do all these intense things, but it seems like you wouldn't.

[1519] It seems like you'd be cooking shows or something.

[1520] I don't know.

[1521] I don't know how I got these jobs.

[1522] I just got them like...

[1523] Like, I don't know.

[1524] I don't know why they go to me. How did you get the first one?

[1525] How did you get Hurt Burt?

[1526] I got Hurt Burt because I did the ass wax.

[1527] So the ass wax was for what?

[1528] The X show.

[1529] It was for the X show.

[1530] Okay, now I remember the X show.

[1531] Now I remember it.

[1532] It was the funniest fucking two minutes of television when Joe was on.

[1533] Because Gary Valentine, we all went into Gary's green room, me, you, and Kevin Sussman.

[1534] And Gary.

[1535] Jeff Sussman.

[1536] Jeff Sussman.

[1537] And we were talking bullshit.

[1538] And one of the producers came in.

[1539] And they're like, so here are the questions we were going to ask Joe.

[1540] And Gary's like, fuck that.

[1541] I've known Joe forever.

[1542] We're going to be fine.

[1543] We're just going to go out there and riff.

[1544] Do you remember this at all?

[1545] Sort of.

[1546] So we go out.

[1547] It's me and Gary and you.

[1548] And you sit down.

[1549] And Gary was, I love him like a brother.

[1550] But he was the worst host in the world.

[1551] The worst.

[1552] So he goes, all right, welcome back.

[1553] I got my buddy Joe Rogan.

[1554] I've known Joe forever.

[1555] How you doing?

[1556] Joe and you're like like just like pretty good Gary and he's like all right all right yeah okay He just locked up.

[1557] And then I was like, so Joe, you are doing the MMA thing now?

[1558] And you're like, yeah.

[1559] And he goes, Joe, you've always been into that, man. You've always been into that.

[1560] And it was so uncomfortable.

[1561] They made us do it again.

[1562] You don't remember this at all?

[1563] They made us do it again.

[1564] So then they go, okay, Gary.

[1565] And he's like, they gave him the questions.

[1566] And he's like, don't worry.

[1567] Don't worry.

[1568] Don't worry.

[1569] Fuck, don't worry.

[1570] Don't fucking worry.

[1571] I got this.

[1572] I got this.

[1573] Come on, Joe.

[1574] We'll just, I'll get you into one of your bits, okay?

[1575] All right.

[1576] Hey, we're back.

[1577] I'm here with Joe Rogan.

[1578] Joe, I've known Joe forever.

[1579] Joe, I haven't seen you in a while.

[1580] wow and you're like yeah and he's like you've been on the road and you're like pretty much he's like great ha ha ha ha and i'm fucking laughing my tits off next to gary and gary's like ha ha and then you're like then they're like take it again and you're like ask me about this ask me about that and gary's like yeah yeah yeah that's where we'll go that's where we'll go But it ended up being funny.

[1581] Dude, I completely forgot about this until you just brought it up.

[1582] This is like an old, dusty memory.

[1583] I want to see it.

[1584] I'm in the corner of an attic right now with a broom going, is that what that is?

[1585] Yeah.

[1586] Let me clean that fucking...

[1587] Get a flashlight.

[1588] Do you have a flashlight?

[1589] It was so fucking...

[1590] Dude, I completely...

[1591] That would have been erased forever.

[1592] If you gave me like a piece of paper and said, describe your appearance on the X show.

[1593] Something really crazy happened with Gary Valentine.

[1594] I would have wrote, never went on that show.

[1595] Don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

[1596] That's crazy.

[1597] Do you have a...

[1598] Is it that online anywhere?

[1599] No, those were the...

[1600] outtakes that they'll never use.

[1601] The X show was like a Maxim.

[1602] They were trying to do like a Maxim magazine sort of a TV show.

[1603] They were trying to do a hot, sexier man show.

[1604] Wasn't the guy from Studs?

[1605] Wasn't he a part of that?

[1606] Mark DiCarlo.

[1607] Yes.

[1608] He's actually a really cool dude.

[1609] Do you remember Studs?

[1610] No. Oh.

[1611] Studs was a show that was the most ridiculous dating show like ever.

[1612] Oh, yes.

[1613] And it was like the most arrogant guys.

[1614] It was like one of the first looks into reality TV.

[1615] Probably.

[1616] But we didn't recognize it because it was sort of a show.

[1617] I mean, it was like a dating show.

[1618] We didn't recognize that it was reality TV.

[1619] It was, yeah, Mark DiCarlo, and then he got fired.

[1620] That guy Justin from the movie with Alicia Silverstone.

[1621] Do you remember Clueless?

[1622] Yeah.

[1623] He was the pretty boy.

[1624] I don't remember that.

[1625] He got fired, and then John Weber got fired, and me and Gary Valentine got brought on.

[1626] Oh, that's right.

[1627] You guys came in at the very end.

[1628] And that's how I met Stanhope, because it was up between me, Gary Valentine, Doug Stanhope, and some guy, Scott Henry.

[1629] Wow, if you stick around in Hollywood long enough, man, you'll have some crazy stories that just accumulate.

[1630] I remember going to the improv one time, and Stanhope was on stage.

[1631] And I don't know if he saw me or if he didn't, but he ended up doing like 15 minutes on me. On you?

[1632] Just making fun of like...

[1633] But it was very...

[1634] Which show was it from?

[1635] The X Show.

[1636] The X Show.

[1637] And he goes, he was just talking about...

[1638] A shitty show on television that they give to a younger comic because he has some heat generated behind him.

[1639] Ooh, that sounds bitter.

[1640] What it's like.

[1641] But it was really funny.

[1642] It was murdering.

[1643] And then I was in the back, and I'm sitting there like, I wonder if he knows I'm here.

[1644] And then at the very end, he's like, don't get me wrong, Bert Kreiser.

[1645] You're a nice guy, I'm sure.

[1646] But I want to see you one week in fucking Iowa when it's snowing and you can't leave your hotel.

[1647] And there's only an Arby's to eat next door to you.

[1648] and you got to fucking drink wine just to get through the and like does this whole bit and then I'm in the back and I'm just like I'm fucking leaving because I was like so then so then cut to like four probably four years later I'm in Sacramento soulless empty like in the fucking taffy district or wherever the fucking place is And I'm just empty and I'm drinking a lot.

[1649] And I email Stan Hope.

[1650] And I'm like, I wonder if I can reach out to the dude.

[1651] Because comics are all, like, you know each other.

[1652] Right.

[1653] So I email Stan Hope.

[1654] And, like, 20 minutes later, I get a message back.

[1655] Long, like a long, like, oh, welcome to the quickening.

[1656] And then he just emailed me now and then, like, how you doing, baby girl?

[1657] Stan Hope called me up the other day, pie -eyed drunk.

[1658] He called me, and I tried to realize right when we started talking, he got an altercation with Janine Garofalo on the green room, Paul Provenza's green room, so I wanted to hear his version.

[1659] Oh, shut up.

[1660] Yeah.

[1661] I'm so turned on to Janine Garofalo, by the way.

[1662] Are you really?

[1663] Fucking so turned on to her.

[1664] It feels like it's 1993 right now.

[1665] Oh, my gosh.

[1666] She looks so good right now.

[1667] But go ahead.

[1668] For real?

[1669] Yeah, she stopped drinking.

[1670] Is that what you're into?

[1671] You into that look?

[1672] No. Yeah, maybe I am.

[1673] My wife kind of looks like her.

[1674] Tracy Lourdes in her prime or...

[1675] I'm going Ginny Garofalo.

[1676] Whoa.

[1677] Tracy Lourdes?

[1678] Fuck, definitely going to Ginny Garofalo.

[1679] I would have agreed in 93.

[1680] Tracy Lourdes, you don't think is hot?

[1681] No. No. What is wrong with your DNA?

[1682] I used to fuck blonde chicks all the time.

[1683] Who can't?

[1684] She's got brown hair.

[1685] Oh, I thought she had blonde hair.

[1686] I didn't even notice.

[1687] How the fuck did you notice?

[1688] Wait, wait, wait.

[1689] So what happened with Stanhope and Garofalo?

[1690] Okay.

[1691] Apparently, Garofalo, on her first set after 9 -11, went on stage at the Laugh Stop in Houston.

[1692] And according to Stanhope, what she said is that everybody should just back the fuck off.

[1693] And Noam Chomsky should back the fuck off and leave George Bush alone.

[1694] Because this is obviously a crazy situation.

[1695] And the guy's doing the best he can.

[1696] And Stanhope was saying that he...

[1697] he was very disappointed because he went to see her expecting some like really biting social commentary.

[1698] Stanhope was doing this bit about 9 -11 that, you know, he was really sticking his neck out there.

[1699] He was like, you know, where was, I guess your God takes Tuesday off.

[1700] You know, he was doing this thing about all these people like praying for God and how this, this came through in, in, you know, in spite of, you know, all these people that there's, there's religious fervor and he had this big, like, you know, anti -war thing that he was working on and, you know, he was really into it.

[1701] And so when he went and saw, raffle and she's like saying you know give george bush a break like that i always nodded him so he brought it up on the show apparently fucking love doug stan i talked to jamie kilstein and kilstein saw it and he gave me his version of it and i talked to doug and i got this fucking version you know doug gave me the the drunk man version he was hammered when i talked to him it was a really crazy conversation because doug and i we have these conversations where you know we'll like like We'll talk like every few months and it's like, okay, where are you at?

[1702] What are you thinking about?

[1703] And then when we're talking, it's like, you know, this doesn't make sense and that doesn't make sense.

[1704] And then what happens?

[1705] And, you know, what's the point in even concentrating on any of this?

[1706] Right.

[1707] Exactly.

[1708] I'm there too.

[1709] Yeah.

[1710] And we'll have like these weird conversations, you know, we're just trying to like, how much have you been trying to figure out in life in the last three months since we last talked?

[1711] And then we try to like figure out, you know, if either one of us has come to any conclusions that make you happy.

[1712] And in the middle of this, he goes.

[1713] Is there anything that gives you hope?

[1714] Is there anything that gives you hope?

[1715] And I was just sitting there going, wow, what a strange conversation.

[1716] I'm sober, completely sober.

[1717] He's fucked up drunk, and he's going, dude, is there anything that gives you hope?

[1718] Maybe he's thinking of a tagline for himself.

[1719] You should have said the fleshlight.

[1720] Yeah.

[1721] That fucking gives me hope.

[1722] 15 % off.

[1723] Go to my website.

[1724] Now, what was...

[1725] His version of it, I mean, he just was relaying exactly what he saw and he thought it was disappointing that she didn't take a stand.

[1726] And he's not attacking her, he's just telling her.

[1727] Yeah, but you know what?

[1728] Quite honestly, after 9 -11, who the fuck knew exactly what happened and who knows still?

[1729] You know, I have a real issue with people that want to argue about 9 -11 and it's a fucking inside job or, you know, there's no way the government would have done that.

[1730] Either argument where you're so goddamn sure.

[1731] You know, that whole thing is just a bunch of puzzles.

[1732] There's a bunch.

[1733] I watched that Jesse Ventura show and I don't know if he's telling the truth or if it's real, but if it is real, what he said on that conspiracy show is fucking terrifying.

[1734] Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference the day before the 9 -11 attacks where they said that some insane amount of money in the trillions was missing and they couldn't account for it and they were working on it.

[1735] And then the next day, the Pentagon gets hit in the exact same spot where the accounting offices are, where all that information was stored.

[1736] That's what got hit in the Pentagon.

[1737] And they're talking about trillions of dollars that were unaccounted for.

[1738] See, I have no...

[1739] understanding of that.

[1740] It's so abstract to me, first of all, when you start talking about trillions of dollars.

[1741] I can't even wrap my head around that.

[1742] I don't even know what that means.

[1743] And then when you tell me that the money was unaccounted for, and they smashed this plane into the exact, or missile if you listen to some people, into the exact offices.

[1744] What does that mean now?

[1745] They didn't have a backup somewhere?

[1746] They didn't back their shit up online?

[1747] All that money?

[1748] I don't know what happened to that money.

[1749] So if you don't know what happened to that money, then this conversation's over.

[1750] Because we can't talk until we have...

[1751] any information.

[1752] But there's so many different things about 9 -11 that make you go, why did that happen?

[1753] Why did this happen?

[1754] What the fuck happened to that Tower 7?

[1755] You can't say one way or the other.

[1756] You can't say that they did do it, that the United States government was involved, and you can't say they weren't involved.

[1757] You've got to look at it and go, what did happen?

[1758] You would have to go back in time and watch it all trans...

[1759] You would have to watch every single aspect of it play out in front of your own eyes to really be truly sure.

[1760] Yeah, I believe in some conspiracy.

[1761] I believe that the Flight 800 conspiracy, that terrorists...

[1762] The one that got shot by a missile.

[1763] Yeah, shot by a missile, and then Clinton just pimped it and was like...

[1764] It blew up in the middle of the fucking ocean, man. And Clinton's like, no, that was a wiring thing.

[1765] Fuck you and all your tries.

[1766] I believe in that shit.

[1767] Yeah, if there was a way to avoid telling people that a terrorist attack had blown up an airplane...

[1768] That you can affect us?

[1769] Yeah.

[1770] They'd do it in a heartbeat.

[1771] Yeah, for sure.

[1772] They would hide that information.

[1773] They would say, well, it was an engine malfunction, and that's it.

[1774] If they could find a way to avoid any sort of information getting out like that.

[1775] Because, first of all, people are going to freak out about something that most likely, with 300 million people in this country, most likely is not going to affect you.

[1776] It's an isolated instance.

[1777] And by the way, we're immune to those isolated instances, but they happen every fucking day all over the world in these places where we're supposed to be liberating.

[1778] I mean, in Iraq, fucking buildings just get hit by missiles.

[1779] Whoopsies.

[1780] We didn't mean to shoot this building, but we did.

[1781] Sorry, everybody.

[1782] who died.

[1783] That shit is commonplace outside of the world.

[1784] But if the United States government can keep us from recognizing that, they would do it.

[1785] I think they would do it and they would think they were doing us a favor.

[1786] What's Stanhope's stand -up like these days?

[1787] Angry and dark and twisted and resolved.

[1788] It's funny as fuck.

[1789] That's what it is.

[1790] I want to do a show called Comedy Intervention where you take a guy like Stanhope and go...

[1791] Look, here's what we're going to do, okay?

[1792] We're going to have like eight comics that he likes.

[1793] We're going to go through.

[1794] We're going to make you one hour special that you can sell on DVD.

[1795] It's going to be clean, and you're going to make $20 million.

[1796] And then you can do whatever you want, and you can have a trust fund for the rest of your fucking life.

[1797] Because I bet if he spent some time just going through what would be Brian Regan's set list, I bet his fucking view.

[1798] Like, if he had a kid, all this.

[1799] Like, when you had your kids, did your...

[1800] Like, when you first do, you go, fuck, I'm noticing a lot of this shit everyone else noticed.

[1801] But then...

[1802] No, I didn't think that.

[1803] I mean, there's definitely going to be things that you notice that other people have already talked about.

[1804] But I just, to this day still, like when I had a little conversation with my daughter this morning, and it's like I'm on drugs.

[1805] You had a conversation with your dog?

[1806] Daughter.

[1807] I was like, I think you might have been on drugs.

[1808] I'm like a fucking one of those commercials.

[1809] I had a conversation with my daughter this morning.

[1810] I went to the store and I got bagels.

[1811] She loves lox, you know, like salmon.

[1812] And so we're eating bagels and lox.

[1813] And I'm having this little conversation with her.

[1814] She's like, I love salmon.

[1815] It's so yummy.

[1816] Is it really yummy?

[1817] It is.

[1818] Okay.

[1819] I would like some more.

[1820] And we're having this little conversation.

[1821] I'm looking at this incredibly cute little two and a half year old person who's talking to me that I am.

[1822] Just I love more than anybody I've ever loved ever.

[1823] And I'm having this weird little conversation with her about salmon.

[1824] Like, do you want some more?

[1825] Daddy, I want some more.

[1826] I am not quite filled up.

[1827] And she starts laughing and she like rubs her tummy.

[1828] And then, you know, I gave her some more and she's like, delicious.

[1829] And she tries to make me laugh.

[1830] And it's like, it's surreal.

[1831] It doesn't even seem real.

[1832] I always explain children to people who don't have children.

[1833] I'm like, it's just like mushrooms.

[1834] If you haven't done mushrooms, you really don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

[1835] You can't say.

[1836] You know, that doesn't do any good for you.

[1837] That's just an escape.

[1838] If you've done it, if you've done it and you have that opinion, then I would like to talk to you about it because I think it's strange that you would have that opinion if you've actually done mushrooms.

[1839] The same thing with children.

[1840] You know, people say, you know, you know, yeah, it's just a fucking just a bunch of fucking cells and, you know, no big deal, man. Get over it.

[1841] You say that, but it's love.

[1842] It's love in the purest form.

[1843] And most of the time you're dealing with douchebags in life and it's very difficult to be open and loving all the time.

[1844] and to really just put out only positive energy.

[1845] You feel like people walk over you.

[1846] Experiences that you had when you were growing up getting bullied and I had and everybody has.

[1847] It's very difficult to put out love like that.

[1848] So it's easy to dismiss it when you have an absolute pure form of love for a baby that you're raising.

[1849] People who don't have them don't understand.

[1850] It's like being a born -again Christian.

[1851] Sort of, I guess.

[1852] And you almost had this look to your friends like, don't worry.

[1853] When you get saved, you'll figure it out.

[1854] Sort of, but it's also tremendous responsibility where I just felt like a massive growth and maturity and pragmatic way of looking at things just kicked into like seven gears higher.

[1855] I started working harder.

[1856] I started focusing more on certain shit.

[1857] It's an evolutionary stage.

[1858] bird leaves the nest you know that's like you know you talk to kids that are like 30 that still live at home they're fucked up you know there's something wrong with them they never really went out and did their own shit and they never really became adults they're stuck in this you know this uh salamander stage where they never quite you know blossomed into the mature animal and so uh when i i see that you know i just i think that having children is another stage like that.

[1859] I'm not saying that everyone should have children.

[1860] Oh, I don't think that at all.

[1861] No, definitely not.

[1862] Or that having children is going to definitely evolve you or that you need to do it to evolve.

[1863] I'm not saying that.

[1864] Yeah, some people end up driving their kids in the tub.

[1865] Fuck yeah, they do.

[1866] Yeah, there's some crazy assholes out there.

[1867] And not only that, sometimes they get involved with someone who's like really detrimental to you, but you like to fuck them.

[1868] And all of a sudden you have a baby with that person.

[1869] And now you have this incredibly chaotic relationship where they try to keep the baby from you to manipulate you.

[1870] And, you know, things can get really...

[1871] ugly but for me at least I think having, having a child kicked my, my, just my whole being into another level.

[1872] I was, I went from being a guy who hung out at the Hollywood improv drinking until the bar closed to literally the week.

[1873] My daughter was born being on the road every single fucking week, like taking feature sets for no money.

[1874] Like just cause I knew that I'd get better and better and like really ambitious, just horrifically.

[1875] And now I'm, now I'm on the place where I think I'm traveling like 50 weeks this year.

[1876] Do you bring your kids with your, wife with you and your kid yeah i'm gonna take them i'm going to uh doing a trip to indianapolis arizona and then cancun but it's for the burt the conqueror so we'll go to like the greatest theme park so i'll take them oh that's great and we'll take them we'll just spend the day at a theme park and they and they are have like a an escort and they can just go do wherever they want so now it's it's it's turning out i think this summer we're gonna do it pretty heavily what has there been any of these uh rides that were the worst like what's the most craziest one you went to um I think the stratosphere really fucked my head up.

[1877] That's the one in Vegas?

[1878] Man, I was bad the night before I was throwing up in a bathtub and called my wife and told her I was running into the desert and was like, I'm fucking out.

[1879] I'm going to get sued for this production cost because I'm not going to do it.

[1880] But don't tell anyone.

[1881] You were that scared of it?

[1882] After you've been on a bull?

[1883] Or after you've been attacked by a phone?

[1884] You know heights, man. Heights is a different thing, man. Heights, it shuts your brain down.

[1885] Look at your fingers.

[1886] You're moving so fast and everything.

[1887] As I'm talking about it, my ass just started sweating.

[1888] Really?

[1889] The second I talk about it, it knocks your stomach out.

[1890] I mean, I can't even look at the videos online of people on those Russian kids climbing on the tower.

[1891] We talked about that.

[1892] Did you see that?

[1893] Fucking my asshole starts tingling.

[1894] Oh, my God.

[1895] It's so hard to watch.

[1896] I told the man. My wife's like, just tell the producers you can't do it.

[1897] And just be a man about it.

[1898] So I called this guy Dan Adler that morning and I was like, and I hadn't slept and I'd been drinking and it was a bad scene.

[1899] I was a wreck.

[1900] I was a real fucking like wreck.

[1901] And I was like, dude, I can't do it.

[1902] It's not going to happen today.

[1903] And he was like, that's fine.

[1904] That's totally cool.

[1905] I get that.

[1906] But here's the deal.

[1907] If you're not going to do it, I need you to not do it.

[1908] on the edge of the building.

[1909] Like, I need you to get all the way to that moment and then back off.

[1910] And I was like, and he goes, and you do not have to do it.

[1911] But I can make a show out of that.

[1912] I can't make a show if you just go, I'm not doing it.

[1913] So I was like, okay.

[1914] So I went through the whole thing.

[1915] Did the training.

[1916] Got the jumpsuit on.

[1917] Did all my interviews.

[1918] Got up to the top.

[1919] Started doing my reads.

[1920] And my cameraman, this guy Scott Sands, is hanging off the building.

[1921] Literally tethered in and hanging off the building with a camera.

[1922] Fearless motherfucker.

[1923] This guy fucking loves that shit.

[1924] and he's videotaping my he's taping my reads and i'm on the edge and i'm fucking my i've i've pissed my pants a little bit at this moment like it's just bad it's a bad scene And Scott starts laughing.

[1925] And I go, what?

[1926] And he's like, you know, there's like 400 people at the bottom waiting for you to jump.

[1927] And I was like, yeah, he's like, there's like 200 behind you right now.

[1928] He goes, dude, it's going to be much easier to jump than to tell 600 people and the mayor who's waiting for you with a shot of tequila that you're not jumping.

[1929] So I was the first person.

[1930] The mayor was waiting for you with a shot of tequila?

[1931] I was the first person to jump on the ride.

[1932] I was the first guy to do it.

[1933] So I was like, shit.

[1934] And he was like, I just jumped, man. It's 16 seconds.

[1935] And then it'll be over.

[1936] 16 seconds is so long.

[1937] It's a fucking free fall for 16 seconds.

[1938] I think it's 16 seconds.

[1939] 16 seconds is ready.

[1940] This is your free fall.

[1941] You just jumped right now.

[1942] And right now you're going, right now you're thinking, oh, the ride works.

[1943] But then you're thinking, man, this is really fucking high.

[1944] Now you're freaking the fuck out.

[1945] This is really fucking high.

[1946] When am I going to hit the bottom?

[1947] And you're looking at a target below.

[1948] Oh, my God.

[1949] Still not even time.

[1950] You're about 80 stories.

[1951] And right now you're 40 stories away.

[1952] You still haven't landed.

[1953] Did you shit yourself?

[1954] Now you've landed.

[1955] Did you shit yourself or anything?

[1956] Explain the ride to me because I don't know it.

[1957] it's controlled descent so you they took you in on a seven point harness to and and they and with basically a big fishing reel and so you jump and you fall and that that tether make sure you don't run into the building or like uh or like swing out it basically keeps you in one kind of area so you can land on the target yeah but what if it gets windy i mean it was very windy my day as a matter of fact they do it by gusts so it's gusts of like 45 miles per hour right so it's a windometer so anytime a wind gust hits 45 miles an hour they Shut the ride down for 15 minutes.

[1958] And then they wait for the wind gusts to go back down.

[1959] And my day, they were just peaking.

[1960] But they were like, they had fucking 100 people waiting to do it.

[1961] And they needed to open the ride.

[1962] And you can see that they were just like, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it.

[1963] So then I'm just a fucking.

[1964] And I've got my producer, Lonnie, is like in the background with my script going like, I need you to say, I'm here in Las Vegas on the top of the strip.

[1965] And I'm like, and I just start going, fuck you, Lonnie.

[1966] Fuck you.

[1967] Fuck you.

[1968] You can fuck yourself.

[1969] I'm fucking jumping right now.

[1970] And she's like, Bert, don't jump.

[1971] I'm like, fuck everyone.

[1972] I'm fucking jumping.

[1973] And now I know they can't use any of X. You can't use cursing.

[1974] And so then I'm like, and then I'm like, calm down.

[1975] I'm like, okay, seriously, I'm going to jump.

[1976] And they just use that, me jumping.

[1977] So then we do it.

[1978] I land.

[1979] I have a religious moment.

[1980] I start crying.

[1981] I take a shot, and I'm just like, I'm alive.

[1982] There's no better feeling in the world than surviving a fucking 110 -story jump.

[1983] What the fuck, dude?

[1984] 110 stories is the height of the Sears Tower.

[1985] Think about standing on the edge of the Sears Tower.

[1986] And then I get down.

[1987] I do it.

[1988] I'm like, fuck.

[1989] And they're like, can you do it again?

[1990] And I was like, no, I'm not.

[1991] I'm done.

[1992] So then two weeks later, they're like, listen, we didn't get any of your fucking reads.

[1993] I was like, what?

[1994] And they're like, we can get in your neat breeds.

[1995] We need to send you back to Vegas to like do pickups.

[1996] Because there's a lot of shit because you were so fucked up that we didn't get.

[1997] So I was like, okay.

[1998] So we have to reshoot the episode, but we're just basically.

[1999] Everything but the jump.

[2000] Everything but the jump is what they're telling me. So then we get up to the top.

[2001] I know where this is going.

[2002] And they're like, and my buddy Scott Sands goes, look, dude, I put in for like a fucking $120 ,000 lens.

[2003] I'm going to sit a mile from you, but I'm going to shoot you from a mile.

[2004] And if you jump, it's going to look sick.

[2005] And I was like, Scott, I'm not jumping.

[2006] And he goes, I'm just saying, man, it's your show.

[2007] Do you want it to get picked up for a second season?

[2008] It's going to look sick.

[2009] So then I was like, fuck.

[2010] So I get up to the top and I know I'm not jumping.

[2011] I know I'm not jumping.

[2012] And then I get up to the top and I realize standing on the edge, it's easier to jump than to walk away from it.

[2013] So I was like.

[2014] Fuck it.

[2015] And I just jumped again.

[2016] Had the same religious moment.

[2017] You get down to the bottom.

[2018] It's not religious.

[2019] It's like a spiritual awakening where you're like, I'm fucking alive.

[2020] I'm going to hug my kids.

[2021] They called me two weeks ago and they're like, the Navajo Bridge in Arizona, they want me to jump off it and do a bungee jump.

[2022] It's like 500 feet.

[2023] It's pretty gangster for a bungee jump.

[2024] Dude, 500 feet is really high.

[2025] Free fall for 400.

[2026] Free fall bungee style.

[2027] How long does that take?

[2028] Probably eight seconds.

[2029] And the real pimp part is you don't jump.

[2030] Four dudes lift you up like you're on a boat and they just throw you off.

[2031] Oh my God.

[2032] So you're fucking, you feel out of control.

[2033] And I'm looking for a celebrity to do it with because I don't want to do it by myself.

[2034] Get the fuck out of here.

[2035] Straighten your back up right away.

[2036] Yeah, no, I'm fine, man. You never do that?

[2037] No. Really?

[2038] Not into that.

[2039] Not into that.

[2040] I'm not either, but...

[2041] I'm not into tricking my brain into thinking I'm almost dying.

[2042] I get it.

[2043] I get it.

[2044] It looks like fun.

[2045] I don't need that kind of stress in my life.

[2046] It's all my life's filled with right now.

[2047] It's crazy, man. It's not even that much money.

[2048] Well, is it helping your gigs, though?

[2049] It should be helping your gigs.

[2050] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2051] I sold out.

[2052] five shows in dc this week and like it's it's but it's a it's family friendly audiences oh no so you you just have to train them to watch what you watch.

[2053] You did it.

[2054] Well, that's something you were saying, too.

[2055] Yeah, that's what you were saying when you were talking about comedy intervention, like getting someone and taking someone and making them super clean and realizing there's so much money out there in that.

[2056] Yeah.

[2057] I couldn't do it clean.

[2058] Yeah, and a guy like Stanhope couldn't do it either.

[2059] It wouldn't be fun anymore.

[2060] It wouldn't be the same thing.

[2061] It would be all of a sudden there's a job that you can do where you can make money, but you're not going to be really doing stand -up anymore.

[2062] You're not going to be doing what?

[2063] Your brain won't be thinking the way it normally thinks when you're on stage, or I feel like my brain is just juggling.

[2064] thoughts to me like oh this would be good you can't do that if you're saying no can't go there no can't go here no can't say that be careful when you say this yeah don't want to offend any sponsors so when you do stand up now um when you were saying that you get them to like what you like you know or get them to know what you do i start i start about my kids.

[2065] Like I'll start, I mean, they're not good.

[2066] They're not by any stretch of the means.

[2067] Clean jokes.

[2068] One joke's about my daughter.

[2069] My daughter's in a room.

[2070] My youngest was fingering her ass and putting it in the dog's mouth.

[2071] And so, and so.

[2072] They finger their assholes all the time.

[2073] It's so disturbing.

[2074] She's like, she'll be talking to me about like playing on the swings and she's just digging in her vagina.

[2075] Yeah.

[2076] Just fingers in her vagina.

[2077] So maybe we can go in a swing?

[2078] What do you think?

[2079] Maybe we can do that?

[2080] Like maybe you can stop fingering yourself when you're talking.

[2081] your dad no wait but that joke when you do when you do something about your children fingering their ass yeah you gotta be careful takes all the parents that went to see a clean show And puts everyone at the same level and goes, oh, that shit does happen.

[2082] It does happen.

[2083] So then once their brains get reset for that, then they go, okay, all this shit does happen.

[2084] He's not being mean.

[2085] I stopped doing racial jokes, like being heavy on racial jokes, just because I was like, I don't fucking know.

[2086] I don't care.

[2087] Like, I don't give a shit enough about equality to put my job on the line to try to make everyone even.

[2088] Like, I'll get into nights if it's an all -black room where I just do black jokes.

[2089] But not mean, but just what I do, black jokes.

[2090] Right.

[2091] And then you do.

[2092] Once you do that, you have a fucking power of attorney to do anything.

[2093] Because even the clean people go, my kids finger their ass too.

[2094] Right, right, right.

[2095] And then I talk to the audience a lot.

[2096] But when you were saying that you used to do racist jokes or racial jokes.

[2097] Racial jokes.

[2098] And you stopped doing them because they offended too many people?

[2099] No, no one ever got offended.

[2100] But I just noticed that, for one, I was obsessing on it.

[2101] I could write.

[2102] all day long I could write jokes about black people.

[2103] I mean, if you sit me, I swear to God, if you put me in a room with a black audience, all I'll do is talk about black people.

[2104] All I'll do.

[2105] And, like, now the dirty, the only, the furthest I go is I have a joke about just, I go, I think it's racist that they don't make black baby powder.

[2106] Like, I just think that from a company named Johnson & Johnson, they would have thought of that by now.

[2107] That's pretty funny.

[2108] And then they go, you know, that's how I'm going to make a million dollars.

[2109] I'm going to make black baby powder.

[2110] And then, And then I'll call it Magic Johnson & Johnson's.

[2111] So then one night, this is great, one night this black dude sits up in an audience in Miami.

[2112] He goes, hey, motherfucker, when you get done your little joke about black baby powder, I'll tell you I don't make shit.

[2113] And so I was like, I think I'm done with the joke now.

[2114] Like, what?

[2115] Why don't they make it?

[2116] And he goes, we don't have a problem with moisture the way you guys do.

[2117] Every time I hug a white guy, it's like hugging a dolphin.

[2118] He goes, black people have a problem retaining moisture.

[2119] So they have a problem getting ashy.

[2120] So they have to always stay moist, whereas white people are constantly fucking moist.

[2121] Whoa.

[2122] And so he's like, they just never needed black baby powder.

[2123] Dude, he schooled you.

[2124] And I was like, but it was awesome.

[2125] It was like a great moment.

[2126] I love, dude, if I had a videotape of every experience I've had with black people in an audience, I would be the most famous comic in the world.

[2127] I've had black dudes get on stage in Miami, right?

[2128] Real shit.

[2129] Fucking three gangsters in the front row.

[2130] True story on my children.

[2131] fucking they're ruining the show for everyone and i go up and i just talk to them one dude gets up on stage halfway through my set And he's like, this is a real motherfucker.

[2132] He's keeping a real, real talk right now.

[2133] Real talk.

[2134] You know what real motherfuckers get in the 305?

[2135] And he drops his pants and shows his dick.

[2136] Place goes bananas, right?

[2137] They're like, and it's the biggest, blackest.

[2138] It's almost purple.

[2139] It's so black.

[2140] But it's huge.

[2141] It's huge.

[2142] And I'm like, that is real.

[2143] That is fucking real.

[2144] How big is his dick?

[2145] Fucking monstrous.

[2146] Nine inches.

[2147] Ten inches.

[2148] And it's a shower.

[2149] It's like a thick.

[2150] It's thick.

[2151] thick and uncircumcised.

[2152] I'm just looking at it like, holy shit.

[2153] So then I go, man, that's fucking, his name was Ray.

[2154] I don't know why I remember that, but I'm like, Ray, I go, I think you might want to get off stage because I can guarantee you they're calling the cops right now and I don't want you to go to jail for just showing your dick.

[2155] He's like, I appreciate that.

[2156] Good looking out.

[2157] And then he puts his pants on and leaves.

[2158] So then I go, man, how do you follow that?

[2159] Another gangbanger stands up, gets on stage.

[2160] I go, please tell me we're seeing another cock right now.

[2161] He pulls his pants down, fucking just as big, but lighter, like a lighter brown.

[2162] And I'm like, holy shit.

[2163] And I was like, you might want to go catch up with Bray, because I guarantee they're calling the cops now.

[2164] So they're sitting with, I swear to you all my children, they're sitting with a hairless albino, okay?

[2165] And I said, and now the crowd is like fucking in a fevered pitch.

[2166] I go, that's funny.

[2167] Out of all the dicks I wanted to see, it was yours.

[2168] He stands up, gets on stage, takes his dick out, and it looks like a lighthouse.

[2169] There's no grass, bright white, and they're flipping over fucking tables now.

[2170] Like fucking going nuts.

[2171] And I was like, ladies and gentlemen, that's my show.

[2172] That's the perfect way to end it.

[2173] Just got off.

[2174] That's my show.

[2175] Damn.

[2176] How do you follow that?

[2177] You can't follow that.

[2178] Can't follow it.

[2179] A white glow -in -the -dark Casper the ghost dick?

[2180] It was beautiful, and it was big.

[2181] It was big.

[2182] I swear to you, it was big.

[2183] And I was like, oh, I was like, fucking.

[2184] And then they all waited for me out at the bar.

[2185] And they were like, dude, we're taking you out.

[2186] And I was like, I don't think this doesn't end this way.

[2187] But I was in my, like, I want to be Dave Attell phase.

[2188] Hardcore.

[2189] And I was like, I'm fucking going out with these guys.

[2190] This is what comedy is about.

[2191] It's having this experience.

[2192] I went in one time to do radio.

[2193] Miami's my crazy club.

[2194] Like, I go in and I do the fucking morning pimp show.

[2195] And they happen to have this.

[2196] You do the improv in Miami all the time?

[2197] You like that place?

[2198] I stopped going to that place, man. But you can't.

[2199] You can't.

[2200] Because you're not.

[2201] You're famous.

[2202] So when, like, some.

[2203] No, no. I stopped going way before I was famous.

[2204] But that club wants to get the best of you.

[2205] Like, they want to show you you're wrong.

[2206] No, what happened with me was I was on stage once and I brought up a boxer.

[2207] I forget the boxer's name.

[2208] I think it was Oscar De La Hoya in one of my jokes.

[2209] Oh, you referenced him.

[2210] And a fight broke out in the audience over, you know, fuck Oscar De La Hoya.

[2211] Finish trying to kick his ass.

[2212] And the dudes were standing up and yelling at each other.

[2213] And, like, an argument broke out in the crowd over, like, what boxer was the best boxer and who would fuck who up.

[2214] And I just stopped and I said, I'm never coming back here.

[2215] Is that just a bad audience?

[2216] No, that's very common there.

[2217] Miami Improv, they lost control of that place a long time ago.

[2218] They gave away too many free tickets.

[2219] They gave away a ton of free tickets if you're white because they can sell tickets to black people.

[2220] And then, so one time I go to the Morning Pimp Show, and they have this gang in there called the Zopound, right?

[2221] A real gang?

[2222] Real gang, dude.

[2223] Look it up.

[2224] They were on gangland, okay?

[2225] These are all Haitian motherfuckers.

[2226] Dude.

[2227] So they're doing this thing, this song, I'm a Zopound.

[2228] That's a song that they're singing in studio.

[2229] They have a song?

[2230] Now, mind you, I'm just doing radio.

[2231] I'm doing press.

[2232] Like, I'm just there to fuck around.

[2233] But I know the one thing I do in these stations, I bring a bottle of tequila in, and then I get everyone drunk, and then I just take my shirt off, and we go fucking crazy.

[2234] When you do press, you always bring in tequila?

[2235] Sometimes.

[2236] What?

[2237] I've done it before, but I think that's more because I'm an alcoholic and not for...

[2238] And they'll get drunk with you in the morning?

[2239] And you'll sell out the entire fucking weekend.

[2240] That's awesome.

[2241] Because all anyone's doing is driving to work wishing they were drinking.

[2242] And then they hear you drinking, and all the rules go out the door, and every show lets you stay on until fucking 11.

[2243] That's awesome.

[2244] It's been like a little trick I've done.

[2245] Wow, but what do you feel like for the rest of the day?

[2246] Take a nap.

[2247] Take a nap.

[2248] Take a nap.

[2249] I look at you when you go into a radio.

[2250] I've seen your radios and you'll come in high.

[2251] High as fuck.

[2252] And I'm like, how do you function for the rest of the day?

[2253] Oh, I do.

[2254] But high doesn't kick your ass.

[2255] I smoke weed and then I go to the gym.

[2256] Like, it doesn't affect me the same way.

[2257] I go, like, if I'll do, like, the morning radio and I'll smoke some weed before the morning radio, I'll go to the gym afterwards.

[2258] I'll go lift weights.

[2259] I'll run or I'll do the elliptical machine.

[2260] Like, it feels good.

[2261] I usually, yeah, I don't do that.

[2262] When I drink, man, when I drink, I'm done.

[2263] The next day, I'm done.

[2264] I have a very long history with drinking.

[2265] So, oh, so there's no pound.

[2266] Yeah, so these guys are singing.

[2267] And I'm doing shots of tequila, and they're calling me cocaine because I'm white.

[2268] And so then I tell them, I go, you guys can come to my show tonight if you want.

[2269] And they're like, oh, we're coming, we're coming, we're coming.

[2270] Oh, you're crazy.

[2271] So I'm like, this will be fun because I've just seen these guys on gangland, right?

[2272] So they come to the show, and like 15 minutes in, they walk on stage, like matte just deep with their fucking bottle of tequila, and they're like, we're drinking this on stage right now.

[2273] And I'm like, holy shit.

[2274] And DJ Laz comes up and we all just fucking.

[2275] DJ Laz?

[2276] DJ Laz.

[2277] You say that like we're supposed to know who the fuck that guy is.

[2278] He's the biggest DJ in South Florida for Latinos.

[2279] Yeah.

[2280] Okay.

[2281] But like, and he'll have, like if you, if you're a white comic and you can get in that room and do well, you'll sell out for the weekend.

[2282] Like you're not sell out, but you'll not sell out.

[2283] You're not buying West Palm this weekend.

[2284] Not this weekend.

[2285] Next weekend.

[2286] That is the best.

[2287] You doing Paul and Ron?

[2288] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2289] They're great, dude.

[2290] Yeah, they're great guys.

[2291] They'll fucking.

[2292] Yeah, I've done their show many, many times.

[2293] Those guys are really cool.

[2294] That's a great club.

[2295] And you probably know Johnny, the guy that's managing it now.

[2296] Yeah, I've been to that club a long time ago, back when it was a smaller club.

[2297] Dude, that's your market.

[2298] Those guys fucking like those people.

[2299] Like when you get done a show, you know who the big comics are and you know the ones that people don't go see are.

[2300] Based on what comics go.

[2301] So do you know, guys?

[2302] Everyone always says, do you know Rogan?

[2303] Everyone always wants to know if you know Dane Cook.

[2304] Who do you know?

[2305] Who do you hang out with in Hollywood?

[2306] Basically, and I'm always like, hey, they're all great.

[2307] They're all great.

[2308] Do you ever talk shit about anybody?

[2309] Oh, yeah.

[2310] What comics do you talk shit about?

[2311] I can't say.

[2312] Can't say?

[2313] I can't say.

[2314] But, I mean, you can probably guess.

[2315] But, yeah, I talk shit about.

[2316] I've got to stop because there's comics I've talked shit about a lot.

[2317] a lot that just came up to me and they're like dude i'm a big fan i'm like oh me too me too me too it's the worst feeling in the world like you know ari is someone who i initially did not like really because i met him one night and he was just standoffish but he was just ari he was he wasn't being standoffish yeah and i wanted to meet him and then he didn't and then he walked away and then i was like i was like oh fuck that guy and then i saw and then i saw his um amazing racist yeah and i was like I saw a clip, and I wanted to hate it.

[2318] I wanted to hate it.

[2319] Really?

[2320] Because, yeah.

[2321] Because he was kind of weird.

[2322] Then I watched it.

[2323] It was the best thing.

[2324] I said, I don't give a fuck.

[2325] When I see that guy again, I'm going to make friends with him.

[2326] And I saw him at the improv one night, right after the shit went down with you and Messia.

[2327] And you guys switched.

[2328] And I was like, dude, I just want to tell you, I'm a big fan.

[2329] You make me laugh a lot.

[2330] And Ari's just like, really?

[2331] Thanks, man. We hung out.

[2332] But if you tell people you like them, then they like you too.

[2333] Yeah, a lot of times.

[2334] That's all you have to fucking do.

[2335] of times yeah a lot of times comics are standoffish with each other because everyone is so competitive yeah you know especially early on comics for some reason have this weird thing where they think that if someone else is being successful that somehow or another it keeps them from being successful like their success takes away from you like that could have been yours or something crazy it's like this weird illogical connection that a lot of comics make and it's happened it almost happens with every fucking comic you meet yeah why is that i don't know i think i know because i'll have arguments with comics in my heads i've had Like fake arguments?

[2336] I had an argument with Opie from Opie and Anthony.

[2337] I have never met the guy in my entire life.

[2338] That's hilarious.

[2339] But I love their show, and I wanted to get on their show to promote things.

[2340] Oh, dude, you'd be awesome on their show.

[2341] You're perfect for their show.

[2342] They'd never let me on.

[2343] They're always like, no, no. They still don't let you on?

[2344] No, still don't let me on.

[2345] Listen, Opie listens to this show sometimes.

[2346] I guarantee you, he'll hear about this from Twitter, and he'll have you on.

[2347] I had a dream last night.

[2348] Someone cut up some clips of the funniest shit that he said, and you'll be on Opie and Anthony.

[2349] So here's what happened.

[2350] I had a dream last night that I could fly, and I flew into Opie and Anthony.

[2351] anthony's studio and i was walking around i was like oh shit fly through the air yeah but there's without a plane without a plane i was flying i was flying and it was in a tent it was in a tent and and i went in and they had these gift bags and i was like oh so i opened one up and i was stealing one i was like i want to get one of these i love opian anthony this would be awesome and then it was an opian anthony scarf so i pulled it out and i went oh fuck i can't use an opian anthony scarf because i never want to know i got it from here and then they'll be like we didn't give it to you so i put it back and then i left i flew away and then i was as i was hovering above their tent when they were doing their show, Opie came in and said, who stole this fucking scarf?

[2352] And I was like, you know what?

[2353] If I man up to this and tell them, Norton will have my back.

[2354] So I go in and I go in and I'm like, listen, I'm the one who opened that.

[2355] I didn't steal it.

[2356] Norton wasn't there.

[2357] And Opie's like, who the fuck are you?

[2358] And he basically in my dream, my brain told me everything about me that I think.

[2359] Like all the horrible shit.

[2360] So now I'm pissed off at Opie for fucking saying that to me. So I start getting in a fight with him and then I wake up, right?

[2361] And then I literally laid in bed arguing with Opie.

[2362] Never met him.

[2363] I listened to his show.

[2364] Every day I'm the biggest fucking fan.

[2365] So you were preparing yourself in case I go in and he literally does the typical Opie throw a chest set at me. Like fucks with me, ruins me. Like tries to make me look like a fool.

[2366] He doesn't really do that to comics though.

[2367] He only does that.

[2368] He did.

[2369] He used to I think.

[2370] They used to a lot.

[2371] Really?

[2372] Yeah, they did it to the guy that killed himself.

[2373] Who?

[2374] The guy in the bathtub.

[2375] Oh, Richard Jennings?

[2376] They did it to Richard Jennings.

[2377] No. Yeah, Pat.

[2378] Did they really?

[2379] Yeah, they made him stand outside the studio and they wouldn't let him in.

[2380] What?

[2381] All radio show guys would sell out their mom for a bit.

[2382] Wow.

[2383] Like if they think they could get a good bit out of humiliating me. So what happened with the Richard Jenny thing?

[2384] What was the story?

[2385] Literally, I probably listened to every opening of Anthony.

[2386] Just back in the day, they made him sit outside the studio in the glass.

[2387] And they made him do his interview from there.

[2388] What?

[2389] Like, I think.

[2390] Do you think he was in on it, though?

[2391] No, no, no, no, no. I don't think they liked him.

[2392] Why?

[2393] I don't know.

[2394] I don't remember this whole story.

[2395] I'm probably paraphrasing in a way that makes it horrible.

[2396] He was a guy that had a weird reputation, though.

[2397] Jenny was a troubled guy.

[2398] Brilliant comedian, though, man. I went to see him when I was an open -miker at Catch a Rising Star in New York, and he really influenced me a lot early in my career to the point where I caught myself a couple times on stage when I was really young when I was sounding just like him.

[2399] I was like, boo, I've got to fucking make sure I don't.

[2400] I mean, I sound like I'm ripping him off.

[2401] I'm imitating him.

[2402] I think so many comics do that.

[2403] Oh, he was so good, man. Anyway, when I saw him at Catch a Rising Star, he influenced me so much because he just free -balled.

[2404] He had so much material.

[2405] He just went all over the place with it.

[2406] I had never seen anybody do that before.

[2407] Everybody else that I had seen do sets, they always had sort of an opening that they would always do.

[2408] Then they'd have a middle part, and then they would have a closer.

[2409] When I saw Richard Jenney, man, I saw him a couple times in a row.

[2410] And every time I saw him, he was doing like a different hour and a half.

[2411] And I was like super humbled.

[2412] He was so quick.

[2413] I remember hosting for him at the Hollywood Improv, and I'm in the back watching him.

[2414] And, you know, I'd come from New York, so I was like, in my head, I was like, if I didn't know you in New York, you're not anything.

[2415] Basically, I was basically saying, if you're not Geraldo, Attell, Hedberg, in my head.

[2416] Right.

[2417] someone says he said something and now we're gonna go over there and look for this is right after 9 -11 now they want to tell us to go over there and look for weapons of mass destruction what a load of bullshit is that you think they got them and some lady goes they have nuclear weapons and he goes listen you dumb whore if they had them they would have fucking used them do you think they're holding back And I was just on the floor.

[2418] I was like, what a great perception.

[2419] Would they use them?

[2420] Right.

[2421] Of course they would have used them.

[2422] But yeah, he was great.

[2423] He was so prolific, and he was the best guy that I had ever seen at really dragging the most out of a subject.

[2424] He would get on a subject, and he would fuck that subject up from all different angles.

[2425] And right when you thought he was done, he would go deeper, and then he would go deeper.

[2426] And it made me realize, man, that's something that's really present in amateurish comedy.

[2427] where they will touch on a subject and then immediately have a quick joke and then immediately go to another subject.

[2428] It's me. Well, it's everybody in the beginning.

[2429] It's me. I've gotten so fucking lazy.

[2430] It's a bad thing, man. It's really easy to do, especially when you get comfortable on stage, especially if you do a lot of ad -libbing.

[2431] When you get a good ad -lib, you're like, wow, that was genius.

[2432] I'll keep that, as opposed to looking for the better one.

[2433] But Jenny would take any subject, whatever it was, and just find all sorts of angles with it.

[2434] He never really got the credit I think he deserved.

[2435] It's really weird.

[2436] I just think people didn't appreciate how good he was.

[2437] He was in the Eastside Comedy Club in New York.

[2438] York in Long Island I saw him there too and I remember Peter Bales who was the host was just shaking his head back and forth he's like he did three different hours he did three different shows in three totally different hours he didn't repeat one joke once I was influenced by Attell massively yeah like as a New York comic is that guy you drinking too did that partying thing no I was I told you I came in yeah explain that because this is a crazy story you didn't say this on the podcast I have, when I was in 1997, Rolling Stone magazine wrote a six and a half page article about me calling me the number one party animal in the country.

[2439] This actually gets a little weirder.

[2440] Were you doing stand -up back then?

[2441] No, just partying.

[2442] I had a notorious reputation at Florida State for being funny but being a wild party animal.

[2443] What kind of shit were you doing?

[2444] Just fun shit.

[2445] I think loudest guy in the room shit.

[2446] I used to climb up on this telephone pole outside the bars on Tennessee Street.

[2447] There would be 500 people out there.

[2448] I'd just stand up and go, everyone shut the fuck up and listen.

[2449] If you want to smoke weed, go to my house.

[2450] The cops are all sitting there.

[2451] I have tons of weed, enough for everybody.

[2452] And we're all going to have a blast and get high.

[2453] If you know where I live, you're invited.

[2454] If you don't, ask someone.

[2455] Just know and tell the fucking cops.

[2456] And you'd have literally 500 people just giggling at the idea that someone was offering them weed in front of a cop's face.

[2457] And what do the cops say when you do this?

[2458] They would laugh too.

[2459] Like one time for an election, I got naked for this election and just shit on a pizza box and won the election.

[2460] Election for what?

[2461] For my fraternity.

[2462] I just got up naked and shit on a pizza box.

[2463] And then everyone.

[2464] And that's how you won?

[2465] And then I won.

[2466] Did you wipe?

[2467] No, I just shit.

[2468] I just shit.

[2469] I learned one very important lesson.

[2470] When you go number two, you also go one.

[2471] Because I pissed all over the feet on everyone that was sitting in front of me. Oh, no. You can't stop it.

[2472] When you go one, you also go two.

[2473] Oh, Jesus, dude.

[2474] And so I won the election.

[2475] So, like, all these stories came out.

[2476] And then Rolling Stone's like, let's do a fucking, let's do an article on him.

[2477] Oh, my God.

[2478] It gets crazier.

[2479] Ready?

[2480] So you're ready for the part that you go bullshit.

[2481] I will never say bullshit.

[2482] I've heard enough of your stories.

[2483] I'm not saying bullshit.

[2484] So Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life.

[2485] And then from the article.

[2486] So then I try to stand up.

[2487] And I moved to New York to start doing stand -up.

[2488] Because I did it once in Tallahassee.

[2489] And it went amazing.

[2490] I got offered my own morning show in Tallahassee.

[2491] Really?

[2492] Yeah.

[2493] Oliver Stone, I've seen the rights to my life.

[2494] Like, I start doing stand -up.

[2495] Five months later, Will Smith sees me do stand -up.

[2496] And I get a development deal with him.

[2497] Like, right out the gate.

[2498] It's like Bill Burr style.

[2499] Holy shit.

[2500] Like, I've been doing stand -up for no time at all.

[2501] Development deal based on the article.

[2502] And then the fact that I could competently do stand -up somewhat.

[2503] And then the development deal falls apart with Oliver Stone.

[2504] All the guys that have submitted their scripts for Oliver Stone's movie about my life then get their intellectual property back.

[2505] One of the guys takes his movie, changes my name, sells it to National Lampoon, and it becomes the movie Van Wilder.

[2506] So theoretically, and I say this theoretically loosely, I'll never be able to sue.

[2507] I never would sue.

[2508] I never would sue.

[2509] But I went into National Lampoon and did, do you remember Kevin Couch?

[2510] He used to have a show on national.

[2511] Yeah.

[2512] Yeah.

[2513] On XM radio.

[2514] Yeah.

[2515] Yeah.

[2516] And I told him, I said, bring some execs in.

[2517] I've always wanted to find out if this is true.

[2518] So then he brought some execs in and I start telling the story.

[2519] It's like, I am you.

[2520] One of the guys fucking locks up like, hold on.

[2521] Stop right now.

[2522] What do you want?

[2523] What's going on here?

[2524] Is this like an ambush?

[2525] And I was like, no, I just want to be able to tell it on radio.

[2526] And no, I'm not lying.

[2527] That's all I care about.

[2528] All I care about is the story being like true.

[2529] Right.

[2530] And, and he was like, what do you want?

[2531] Like your own radio show?

[2532] I'm like, fine.

[2533] And then he's like, we'll do a show partying with the original Van Wilder.

[2534] Are you happy?

[2535] I was like, yeah.

[2536] And so then he was like, pretty much, I was like, so I can say it's true.

[2537] So you were worried that you were going to sue them.

[2538] They were worried I was going to sue them.

[2539] Well, that must mean you have a case.

[2540] Why don't you just go fucking sue those cunts?

[2541] Barry Katz said to me one night, Papa, you can be one of two guys.

[2542] You can be the guy that sues and doesn't work, or you can be the guy that doesn't sue and works.

[2543] Which one are you?

[2544] And I was like, I'm the one.

[2545] Anything Barry Katz would tell me to do, I would immediately do the exact opposite.

[2546] Barry Katz used to drive a Ferrari while he owed everyone money.

[2547] He looked like the Grimace when they'd sell a Toyota Grimace in a car.

[2548] Just a big head sticking out of a tiny car.

[2549] He's so crazy.

[2550] He was like a big brother to me. He was my manager for a long time.

[2551] What happened?

[2552] You got rid of him.

[2553] You wised up, right?

[2554] Yeah.

[2555] It was like he just never could get in touch with him.

[2556] You know?

[2557] So I just went to levity.

[2558] No comment.

[2559] I want to rewatch Van Wilder.

[2560] But it's pretty crazy.

[2561] I've never seen Van Wilder.

[2562] This is what you do, bro.

[2563] You find out what the fucking statute of limitations is.

[2564] Get to a point where you're so talented, you're so funny, you cannot lose.

[2565] You just have to keep doing what you're doing.

[2566] You cannot lose.

[2567] You're a very, very entertaining dude.

[2568] They can't stop you.

[2569] So once you get to a certain point, and then you go after them.

[2570] Get to a certain point where you're embedded into the zeitgeist.

[2571] I was just looking for a reason to use the word zeitgeist.

[2572] Zeitgeist.

[2573] Very important.

[2574] I'll show you my range.

[2575] My range as a man. What is it?

[2576] It's a strange conspiracy movie that they've got three episodes now.

[2577] It's actually the cultural, the idea of the mind of the culture.

[2578] Get into the consciousness of the culture.

[2579] The Zeitgeist is like the mind frame, like where people's heads are at right now.

[2580] The Zeitgeist.

[2581] There was a new one that they just did recently, I guess.

[2582] But a lot of it's like 9 -11 shit.

[2583] I tried to watch the first one.

[2584] Incorrect shit about certain things about religion.

[2585] And then you get zeitgeist debunked and things get really cloudy and people go online and debunk it.

[2586] Who's right?

[2587] Who's wrong?

[2588] I don't have time for this shit.

[2589] But you should sue the fuck out of those Van Wylen punks.

[2590] I'll never sue them.

[2591] Okay, that's all nice.

[2592] How about I pretend I'm you and I'll sue for you.

[2593] Do it.

[2594] And then just let me swim in your pool.

[2595] Give me your email address, bro.

[2596] Yeah.

[2597] You can swim in my pool.

[2598] Anytime, bro.

[2599] Come on over.

[2600] Bring your daughters.

[2601] I bring my daughters in a heartbeat.

[2602] A little park out here.

[2603] My daughters will think they swim and they're like, I can swim, daddy.

[2604] And I love just that first second where they jump in and then sink.

[2605] And then you save their lives and you see rescue in their eyes.

[2606] I can't swim, daddy.

[2607] Wow.

[2608] I'm not into that.

[2609] I'm into showing them how to swim.

[2610] No, I'm trying to teach them how to swim.

[2611] Be like daddy.

[2612] Yeah, exactly.

[2613] I don't throw them in like fucking my Uncle Johnny.

[2614] Like, you go for it.

[2615] That's how you learn, boy.

[2616] I don't know how I learned how to swim.

[2617] That's how they did it to us.

[2618] They just threw us in fucking pools.

[2619] I can't remember not knowing how to swim.

[2620] I just always knew how to swim.

[2621] I went to swimming lessons.

[2622] I must have done something.

[2623] I just got thrown in a pool by my Uncle Johnny.

[2624] Fucking Uncle Johnny.

[2625] Same dude whose son fell down a flight of stairs.

[2626] Really?

[2627] Same uncle.

[2628] And Northeast, baby, that's how they did it.

[2629] Irish Catholic, they'll be in a fucking pool, learn how to swim.

[2630] Yeah, I grew up.

[2631] Native American style.

[2632] In Jersey and in Boston, my formative years.

[2633] That Northeast sort of mentality, there's a lot to that.

[2634] It makes people more go -getter.

[2635] It makes people more ambitious.

[2636] It makes people more the kind of people that can button down and get shit done.

[2637] There's something about California.

[2638] There's something about this weather where it's 85 degrees in January.

[2639] It's so hard.

[2640] It just makes you weak.

[2641] Just makes you a soft little bitch.

[2642] You know, I wrote this on my Twitter and I really believe this.

[2643] People need visible nature to keep them humble.

[2644] You need to see that snowstorm coming where you know you can't do shit.

[2645] Sit the fuck down.

[2646] I hope you have logs to burn because you might need and the power might be out for a week.

[2647] Yeah.

[2648] No one's going anywhere.

[2649] And that quiet, you don't even know what quiet is until you get outside in the middle of a blizzard when the blizzard's over and everything's covered in snow, like three feet of snow in Boston.

[2650] I would go outside and you could hear like...

[2651] Like the quiet has like a sound to it.

[2652] It's like it's empty.

[2653] It's like you don't hear anything.

[2654] The snow absorbs it all and it's almost like a fake world.

[2655] Like you go walking around and everything is white.

[2656] It's like I really feel sorry for kids that don't grow up with some snow.

[2657] Yeah.

[2658] Don't get to experience that.

[2659] And those fucking school days when you get a day off and you go outside and everything's covered in snow.

[2660] I never grew up in snow at all.

[2661] The only problem with that is you could die out there.

[2662] You could fucking freeze to death.

[2663] Fall asleep in a snow drift and lose your foot.

[2664] Did you hear about this lady in Toronto that happened last week?

[2665] The coldest night of the year.

[2666] Apparently she had dementia and she froze to death outside in a neighborhood while she was screaming for people to help her.

[2667] Wow.

[2668] Shit.

[2669] Yeah, everyone's screaming and she just died out there.

[2670] Apparently she was just a known nut.

[2671] So look at that crazy broad out there.

[2672] That's why I don't drink in the snow.

[2673] A lot of dudes fall asleep and lose a foot.

[2674] And die.

[2675] Lose a foot.

[2676] Everyone loses a fucking foot.

[2677] So do you still throw them down like hardcore?

[2678] Like are you still partying like you were?

[2679] Or have you slowed down a little?

[2680] I don't know.

[2681] I don't know.

[2682] I've had a major stretch where I didn't drink.

[2683] At all?

[2684] Yeah.

[2685] Did you feel different on stage when you were sober?

[2686] Oh, I don't drink on stage.

[2687] Here's the thing.

[2688] Let me just rephrase that because everyone that's listening has seen me on stage.

[2689] It's like, hold on.

[2690] You fell off a stage one night.

[2691] Like I've fallen off stage twice.

[2692] Really?

[2693] Hammered?

[2694] Kind of.

[2695] Not really.

[2696] Like, I wasn't that drunk.

[2697] It just was bad footing.

[2698] Oh, okay.

[2699] Like, once in Tampa Improv and once in DC Improv.

[2700] But, yeah, here's the thing.

[2701] As I go up, I will have a beer when I get on stage.

[2702] I will drink it fairly fast, probably, to sell drinks throughout my show.

[2703] And then I process it.

[2704] And then people send shit.

[2705] You did that on purpose?

[2706] Yeah.

[2707] Really?

[2708] David Tell said to me one night, Miami Improv, he said I was featuring for him.

[2709] He said two things.

[2710] When you're featuring, you should write all the time.

[2711] You should never go up and try to kill.

[2712] You should be writing and writing because no one gives a shit about you.

[2713] And then the second thing he said is when you do get headlining, remember you are there to sell drinks.

[2714] Like as much as you want to do your art, the more drinks you sell, the more appetizing you are to the club.

[2715] And the club will bring you back if your bar sales are high.

[2716] It doesn't matter what your ticket prices are.

[2717] So I literally just went on stage.

[2718] And I remember, and Attell would be like, he'd bring up, he wouldn't even bring a drink most times.

[2719] He'd bring up like a, he'd have them send, I mean, whatever.

[2720] I don't want to get behind Attell's theories on drinking on stage or what.

[2721] But I would just go up and drink a beer.

[2722] No, but figure, I mean, complete what you were saying.

[2723] He would bring up shots?

[2724] I don't know.

[2725] Now he doesn't drink, so I guess you can say it.

[2726] Yeah, yeah.

[2727] He's pretty open about it.

[2728] He wouldn't drink shots.

[2729] He would drink, it would be like coffee.

[2730] Yeah.

[2731] Oh, he would fake it.

[2732] Yeah.

[2733] Oh, wow.

[2734] But he didn't drink now, so I don't think he gives a shit.

[2735] But he would tell me, he's like, you gotta be Superman.

[2736] You gotta be working up there.

[2737] Like, that was Attell.

[2738] Attell was never fucking drunk on stage.

[2739] Right.

[2740] So, but I would go up, and I still, I mean, I can drink a lot of beers.

[2741] I can go up now, and I'll, usually what I'll do is I'll play a song that's inspiring me. Like, because I, you know, you get bored doing a lot of road work.

[2742] One was this song, Alcohol, Pussy, and Weed by MJB and 8Ball.

[2743] Just fucking great.

[2744] Just first 30 seconds of the song.

[2745] Alcohol, Pussy, and Weed.

[2746] Alcohol, Pussy, and Weed.

[2747] And that got you fired up for a show?

[2748] And it was also because I was having family -friendly people come out, and it would set the stage.

[2749] So then the...

[2750] The second song I do is this song by Maxim Ludwig in the Santa Fe 7.

[2751] It was a really great song.

[2752] And then now I go out and listen to Black Betty by Ram Jam.

[2753] Yeah.

[2754] And then as the song plays, I'll maybe fucking throw off a shirt, pound a beer.

[2755] Is that that song?

[2756] Whoa, Black Betty.

[2757] Whoa, Black Betty.

[2758] Black Betty had a child.

[2759] The damn thing don't lie.

[2760] The damn thing don't lie.

[2761] The damn thing don't lie.

[2762] The damn thing don't lie.

[2763] And right now, everyone in the crowd's fucking thumping.

[2764] And I'm like, everyone raise a beer.

[2765] We're pounding a beer right now.

[2766] And then the whole fucking room lifts a beer.

[2767] We pound it.

[2768] And then right there, you just increased the entire bar staff, the bar bill for the club by $5.

[2769] How many dudes are going to slide into trees on the way home, though?

[2770] My cousin fell down a flight of stairs.

[2771] He was at that show.

[2772] Oh, that was the one?

[2773] Yeah, because then everyone sends shots.

[2774] And we're talking like...

[2775] Like, aggressive.

[2776] What's the most shots you ever drank on stage?

[2777] Oh, I couldn't even guess.

[2778] I couldn't even maybe, like, I don't know.

[2779] Take a guess.

[2780] More than 10?

[2781] Oh, yeah.

[2782] More than 15?

[2783] No, no, no. Probably around 10 or 12.

[2784] I've had a lot of shots on stage before.

[2785] And those shows are usually more chaotic.

[2786] I had one in Tampa recently.

[2787] This was a really great moment where you're just so drunk you can't function.

[2788] So I bring a black guy on stage and I do an interview.

[2789] That's like a great new closer for you.

[2790] It's the best.

[2791] It's the best.

[2792] You bring a black guy on stage and then...

[2793] One of two things will happen.

[2794] Either you say something totally hilarious or all the white people just applaud for whatever he says.

[2795] Right?

[2796] Right.

[2797] He's an engineer.

[2798] Yay.

[2799] Good for him.

[2800] He's not one of the best.

[2801] You know, like that's what happens.

[2802] So I bring this black guy on stage and I'm like, and I tried to guess what job he did.

[2803] And then I used to have a great one where I bring a black guy, a Latino on stage and I go, I'm going to say it the way I say it.

[2804] You say it the way you say it.

[2805] And then I go, I would like to take you on a date.

[2806] And then the Latino guy would be like.

[2807] Mommy, mommy, mommy.

[2808] And then the black guy would be like, can a player get some conversation?

[2809] And then we'd do like a bunch.

[2810] And the crowd loved it because they were like, oh, that's right.

[2811] The white guy's nerdy.

[2812] And then I'd always close with, all right, how about this one?

[2813] I'd like to apply for a home loan.

[2814] And I give it to the black guy.

[2815] And he's like, oh, it was great.

[2816] It was great.

[2817] So I bring this black guy on stage in Tampa.

[2818] I said to him, I go, I'm at a loss.

[2819] We're having a great moment, making jokes.

[2820] Then you can slide whatever jokes you do have in your pocket into that moment, looks improv, plays, fucking flips out.

[2821] Like I tell, oh, you remind me of my black friend.

[2822] And he's like, oh, you got a black friend?

[2823] I'm like, yeah, his name's imaginary.

[2824] And so then just bam, right off the gate.

[2825] So then I tell the black guy, I go, what do you want to do?

[2826] And he goes, let's sing a song.

[2827] I go, really?

[2828] He's like, yeah.

[2829] I go, okay.

[2830] I go, what song do you want to sing?

[2831] And he goes, Journey's Don't Stop Believin'.

[2832] I was like.

[2833] All right.

[2834] I go, do you have that in the DJ booth?

[2835] So they start playing it, right?

[2836] And so now it's me and the black guy singing Don't Stop Believin' back and forth.

[2837] Just a small town girl.

[2838] And he knows all the words and it's killing.

[2839] Then I have them cut the music and the whole crowd starts singing.

[2840] And it's like just this, like, living in a lonely world.

[2841] And you can literally, we would cut the music and then we'd have it turned back on and everyone's right on time.

[2842] And then at the end of the show, it's me and the black guy, no music, and the crowd's still singing.

[2843] And it's like, do it soft.

[2844] And then you can hear 350 people go, just a small, like, don't stop.

[2845] And then I'm like, do it in a Mexican accent.

[2846] And then the whole crowd's, don't stop believing.

[2847] And then the black guy's doing it one more time.

[2848] His shirt's off, right?

[2849] And then the whole crowd sings.

[2850] I grab his leather jacket, throw it on his shoulders.

[2851] I'm like, we're done.

[2852] And just that moment, you can never recreate that.

[2853] You can't recapture it.

[2854] You can't try to do it again.

[2855] Yeah, that's live performing.

[2856] It's just being in that moment and being 10 shots in and going, I don't.

[2857] Fuck it.

[2858] Yeah, fuck it.

[2859] This can't end bad.

[2860] but yeah those are those moments and then but here's the problem and you get addicted to those moments and then you sometimes like like i got this like 90 year old woman on stage and we were dancing to alcohol pussy and weed and i've got her pinned like donkey style like my um hands on the ground my legs are up over her shoulders and she's just going like this and then you get addicted to that and you want to create that and you stop doing stand -up she was doing that to you it's online just type in wait her she was on top of you and your legs were over her shoulders it's really hard to explain okay i'll see it i'll look for it but it's just type in uh i want to hear more though just tell me more um yeah so then but but you get addicted to those moments right because then then like what happens is like you have the story that maybe a comic tells another comic.

[2861] When Burt was in Miami, three gangbangers showed their dick.

[2862] And then other comics are like, dude, I can't wait to work with you.

[2863] I want to see you work because I hear what you do.

[2864] And you're like, I don't do that all the time, but it does happen.

[2865] Then you feel pressure.

[2866] And then you go to a set at the Hollywood Improv and it's just fucking eight minutes of material.

[2867] And you're like, that was uninspiring.

[2868] I mean, don't get me wrong.

[2869] You have those moments where like those oh shit moments.

[2870] where you're just like, this will never fucking happen like this again.

[2871] Right.

[2872] And those are moments too when you're doing like an hour on stage and they get to know you and you're really in the groove with the crowd.

[2873] Oh, and it's a moment.

[2874] You've gone through a lot already.

[2875] Best, like this is, and I give this to any comic listening if you ever need to do this, because sometimes you get that reputation and then they go, you go to a club and they're like, listen, we got a marriage.

[2876] They want to propose on stage.

[2877] We told them it was cool with you.

[2878] Listen, it's a shit dick moment, but here's what you do.

[2879] I've given this to every comic that wants to use it.

[2880] It's brilliant.

[2881] It came in the moment.

[2882] I had like four shots of tequila.

[2883] I had a guy who wanted to propose to his chick.

[2884] This is what you do.

[2885] Bring them both up on stage to do a shot of tequila.

[2886] The guy knows he's proposing.

[2887] Don't worry about that.

[2888] Get him on stage, and then you tell the girl, we're going to play a game.

[2889] We're going to blindfold you, and you're going to have to feel our chests, just our chests, and tell which one's your husband and which one's me. And then she's like, okay, so you blindfold her, right?

[2890] Then you tell the dude, now.

[2891] So he gets on his knee with the ring, and then you just release the blindfold.

[2892] Dude, you want to talk about 200 people like crying?

[2893] Like, oh my God.

[2894] The perfect setup.

[2895] And it's such an easy way to get out of that.

[2896] Because a lot of times when you're a young comic, the manager will just be like, they give me 500 bucks.

[2897] Just make sure he proposes to her.

[2898] So if you're a comic and you ever get stuck in that situation, feel free to use it.

[2899] It's how I did it.

[2900] And it killed.

[2901] Now, what do you do after that, though?

[2902] Just get all fucking staged.

[2903] Someone play back.

[2904] They should write a book called Bert Kreischer Exit Strategies.

[2905] Exit Strategies.

[2906] Well, those are awesome, man. Dude, thank you very much for coming on the show, man. You're fucking hilarious.

[2907] Hilarious.

[2908] This is one of the most fun podcasts I've ever had.

[2909] Me too.

[2910] And knowing that you enjoyed listening to it, now you're on it, and you probably made one of the best ones we've ever had.

[2911] I won't listen to this one, but I can't wait.

[2912] I can't wait.

[2913] You can't tell the Tracy Morgan story.

[2914] I can tell it, yeah.

[2915] You can tell it?

[2916] Of course I can tell it.

[2917] Please tell the Tracy Morgan story.

[2918] We're going to end on this.

[2919] Thanks to the Fleshlight, go to JoeRogan .net, enter in the Fleshlight, the thing.

[2920] It's like Rogan is the code name, and you get 15 % off.

[2921] I'm in February 4th.

[2922] We're at the Mandalay Bay Theater.

[2923] It's me. Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir.

[2924] That's like a three -headliner combo there.

[2925] And then next weekend, not this one coming up, but next weekend, I'm at the West Palm Beach Improv, the 28th, 29th, and 30th, and that is also with young and talented Ari Shafir.

[2926] So tell me what the fuck happened with Tracy Morgan.

[2927] Okay.

[2928] I'll preface this.

[2929] I want to be safe and preface this that my buddy Jay Moore does tell this on stage.

[2930] We have an agreement.

[2931] He's my friend.

[2932] He's not a thief, okay?

[2933] I know that Jay is concerned about that, but he told me he's not telling the story anymore, and it did happen to me, so I don't give a fuck.

[2934] I mean, this is a true story.

[2935] So this is a true story.

[2936] It's a true story.

[2937] So I was a young comic working at the Boston Comedy Club.

[2938] Working the door.

[2939] In New York.

[2940] In the village.

[2941] Yeah, and I used to party with all the black comics.

[2942] because i don't do you like to yeah and so we uh we used to have a good time and so then um one night tracy morgan comes in this is when he's starting to get back into stand -up after snl so like when you were a young comic a new celebrity came in you like had to see that shit had to so i go in and i watch tracy's set and it is not we have nothing in common he's doing observational material and his observational material is like All right.

[2943] Yeah.

[2944] Okay.

[2945] Okay.

[2946] Who remembers finger fucking by the handball courts?

[2947] And I'm just like, and he thinks that's a shared experience, like losing a sock in the dryer.

[2948] Right.

[2949] But like everyone else.

[2950] And then he walks you through.

[2951] He's like, you put that bitch up against the wall and just pussy pop that bitch.

[2952] Wouldn't even kiss her.

[2953] Put your arm in your own stank.

[2954] And now you have a visualization of like Precious getting boxed out at a handball court, making eye contact with passerby, just getting her pussy blown out by Tracy Morgan.

[2955] Oh, God.

[2956] But then he comes off stage, and he's like, fucking, yeah, I'll hit that, man. I got this new bit about my dick being so pretty out, you can suck it with the lights on.

[2957] Which is a genius statement, because I've never had a blowjob in the light, but he just didn't word it right, right?

[2958] My dick is so pretty, you can suck it with the lights on.

[2959] So he goes, he...

[2960] So then he goes, hey, you want to get hot?

[2961] And I was like, yeah, because I'm a grown -up.

[2962] And so we walk around the corner, and he pulls out this rack of a joint, hands it to me, hits it, gives it to me, I hit it, and it tastes like shit.

[2963] It tastes like sweat socks.

[2964] Just like, and I'm like, what the fuck is this?

[2965] And he's like, oh, you never smoked SHRM before?

[2966] And I was like, what?

[2967] And he's like, SHRM, baby, angel dust, PCP.

[2968] You never smoked SHRM before?

[2969] And I'm like, you just gave me fucking PCP?

[2970] Like, how did you know?

[2971] Who ever taught you?

[2972] to get high like so i panic bad like hardcore anxiety attack i go back to the club i go to this older black comic who's was and still is one of my good friends and i go hey man tracy just gave me pcp he's like Oh, let me tell you something, Shorty.

[2973] Tracy doesn't smoke PCP.

[2974] He's fucking with you.

[2975] I was like, he's just smoking pot.

[2976] He's fucking with you, though.

[2977] He's just getting in your head.

[2978] And I was like, no, I smoke PCP.

[2979] I'm feeling weird.

[2980] And he goes, whatever you do, Shorty, don't go to your house.

[2981] You hang out with us tonight.

[2982] So I'm like, all right.

[2983] So I do my set.

[2984] I bomb.

[2985] We all go out.

[2986] And Tracy is...

[2987] In downtown Soho, like right on Houston, right?

[2988] And he's in a club that is like one of those railroad clubs where it goes all the way back.

[2989] You have to like walk down a flight of five stairs to get two.

[2990] And he's in the back.

[2991] He's been there like 20 minutes.

[2992] And he is holding court with his shirt off, okay?

[2993] Shirt off, bottles of champagne.

[2994] covering his table.

[2995] There's other tables that have champagne on it.

[2996] He's buying it for them.

[2997] I buy her a bottle of champagne right now.

[2998] I got a pretty dick.

[2999] Eddie Murphy gave me this.

[3000] Whatever the fuck he's saying is loud and boisterous.

[3001] I sit at the table.

[3002] And I think I'm on PCP.

[3003] And I start ordering Heineken separately from this wreck of a bar tab he has.

[3004] And so I'm getting Heineken's.

[3005] And then the whole night goes through.

[3006] It's kind of an interesting, bizarre experience.

[3007] But like 2 o 'clock in the morning, and the waitress comes up.

[3008] She's got the bill.

[3009] And she puts it in front of me because I'm at a table with all black dudes.

[3010] So she thinks I'm their agent or lawyer or coach, whatever I am.

[3011] So she gives me the bill.

[3012] And I see it.

[3013] And I'm like, oh, I can't.

[3014] And Tracy Morgan flips out.

[3015] And he goes, oh, what?

[3016] the fuck is that that's fucking racism you give it to him he works the goddamn door he doesn't do I ain't gonna make any money I'm the rich motherfucker in here I'm on TV I'm the rich motherfucker and he flips the bottle of champagne table upside down now the woman's like um sir sir and he goes hey and he takes his shirt and throws it in her face a bouncer comes up and he's like excuse me sir and Tracy just wham lays the guy and the biggest fight I've ever been in just breaks out all over people are fighting jumping on and I think I'm on PCP So I walk out on Houston and I start going, this isn't happening.

[3017] This is imaginary.

[3018] This is not real.

[3019] People are flooding out left and right.

[3020] And they're like, dude, that shit's going off.

[3021] Tracy's got like four dudes on him.

[3022] And I was like, holy shit.

[3023] A minute later, the doors kick open and Tracy Morgan is launched out of the club by the back of his neck and the seat of his pants just up onto the street.

[3024] They put his shirt on him?

[3025] No, up on the street, shirtless, laying at my feet on the sidewalk.

[3026] Doors close.

[3027] Second later, doors kick back open and Tracy's shirt comes out, end over end, and lands on his head.

[3028] And it's silent.

[3029] And we're looking at Tracy like, fuck, this is crazy.

[3030] All of a sudden he looks up, stands up, takes his shirt, snaps it, and he goes, now that's how you get out of paying a check.

[3031] This guy's crazy like a fox.

[3032] He fucking just walked out of a $6 ,000 bar tub.

[3033] Holy shit.

[3034] Getting kicked out of the bar.

[3035] He really did that?

[3036] That's awesome.

[3037] Did he ever have to pay for it?

[3038] I have no idea.

[3039] Here's the thing.

[3040] I only met Tracy once.

[3041] You don't hang out with a dude more than that.

[3042] Oh, I would never leave that guy's side.

[3043] I would have to be hanging out with him every day.

[3044] I would have to be hanging out with him all the time, especially if I didn't have kids.

[3045] I was just, I was just like, like Jay used to tell, I was telling you, Jay used to tell that story that had happened to me when we do stand up and man, like people would be like, get out of here.

[3046] But like, I don't know Tracy and I doubt he remembers the night at all.

[3047] Fuck.

[3048] And you know how stories go in your head when you start telling them a lot?

[3049] Then you, like, shorten it and tighten it and punch it.

[3050] And I've been telling that to comics for, like, 12 years, ever since that happened.

[3051] And I was a stand -up doing stand -up for, like, two months.

[3052] That's hilarious.

[3053] Now, you weren't on PCP.

[3054] You just thought you were.

[3055] I wasn't on PCP.

[3056] I don't know.

[3057] Probably strong weed.

[3058] Probably strong weed.

[3059] I doubt Tracy smokes PCP.

[3060] I've heard him on NPR interviews say he's never done drugs.

[3061] I mean, I don't know.

[3062] He's never done drugs.

[3063] He said on NPR.

[3064] PCP is something that you would probably.

[3065] tell the person even if you were a pcp user i think here's the thing is tracy tracy's got that like i would say that like prison mentality of like he'd rather fuck with you than really fuck you up right right like i think he'd rather get in your head then, like, fuck you.

[3066] I don't think he's a mean -spirited person.

[3067] Right, he's just playing.

[3068] He's just playing with you, and then I'm the one white guy hanging out with all black comics.

[3069] And so then that's funny that he thinks he's on PCP.

[3070] That's a great story.

[3071] But the best...

[3072] That's a fucking fantastic story, dude.

[3073] That was one of the funniest stories ever.

[3074] Next time I'll tell you about when I was in the Russian mob and we robbed a train.

[3075] Really?

[3076] It's a true story, but I'm not going to tell it now.

[3077] Okay, dude, you're coming back again soon.

[3078] Definitely.

[3079] Folks, if you want to follow Bert on Twitter, it's B -E -R -T -K -R -E -I -S -C.

[3080] C -H -E -R.

[3081] Follow him, please.

[3082] One of the fucking funniest guys we've ever had on the show.

[3083] Thank you very much, man. That was so much fun.

[3084] I had a blast.

[3085] And we will see you bitches on Tuesday.

[3086] Holla at your boy.

[3087] Later.

[3088] Love you.