#373 - Joey "CoCo" Diaz

[0] It's bad for your health.

[1] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[2] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night all day.

[3] Shucka, shucker, shucka, bang, son.

[4] We back.

[5] We live.

[6] We with Joe Diaz.

[7] Joey gave me a pot candy, and I got high holding it in my hand.

[8] Okay?

[9] I held it in my hand, and I got nervous.

[10] These people have broken up into hybrid, Sativ, and Indica.

[11] And that is, even Renazizi was saying he likes the cheaper shoes, but he likes the full boat one, the white label.

[12] Really?

[13] Renzzi goes deep.

[14] Death.

[15] Renazizi's out there on Long Island going deep.

[16] I've had them with coffee in the morning before a flight, and they fucking pick me up.

[17] I don't drink energy drinks because I did blow, but these things fucking pick me right up, so they're not bad.

[18] This is the, I gave you the pain relief one, too.

[19] Okay.

[20] These guys are going deep.

[21] If you do an energy drink, it makes you want to do blow?

[22] No, no, no, I did blow for all those years So they don't work Oh, that's interesting Fucking Red Bull and go to sleep I drink coffee and go to sleep To be honest Take you do that too I could drink a cup of coffee I used to be able to do that when I had sleep Abagnia I used to be able to just I could fucking just hit the crib Right after a cup of coffee Yeah It's amazing Oh my God I need a starbbed I could drink two things Of Starbucks and fucking Past out Get the fuck out of here Cuban coffee Fucks me up That uh Not Persian coffee Is that what it is Yeah Greek coffee, there's some coffee that's fucking out there that the caffeine is just outrageous.

[23] Greek or one of those countries.

[24] A lot of those coffees that people think are really strong.

[25] It's like the taste of it.

[26] It's not necessarily the caffeine.

[27] Like do you know, like espresso?

[28] Everybody assumes espresso's like stronger than a cup of coffee.

[29] Not really.

[30] No, it's actually weaker.

[31] It has less.

[32] The lighter coffees are the ones with the more caffeine.

[33] Like a dark, dark coffee, apparently a dark coffee doesn't have as much caffeine is like a lighter coffee oftentimes like when you burn them more I guess to make it dark maybe does that make sense you roast it longer what am I talking about over here but the first time I ever had Cuban coffee I'm like oh this is like everything else Cubans do it's crazy you take coffee you put a half a pound of sugar in it from the start they mix it in there it is so sweet I couldn't believe how sweet it is we were working in Miami at the improv and Joey's like you gotta try it's Cuban coffee dog.

[34] Fuck all that Starbucks shit.

[35] That's for girls.

[36] Get on me. Have you been to Miami International Airport and see that Starbucks is always empty?

[37] That's funny.

[38] It can't compete because it's a quarter.

[39] It's 35 cents for a shot.

[40] I know, 35 cents are Cuban coffee.

[41] And if they give you the sugar mixed into it, you don't even feel guilty for putting that much sugar in it.

[42] No, no, no. You know, you're like, hey, this is what I asked for.

[43] It's like a dessert.

[44] I didn't know.

[45] It's a dessert.

[46] And there's a little pick -me -up, but people think there's more than there is.

[47] apparently what's the highest caffeine thing you could do vented Starbucks I mean you can get no no but I'm talking about like and live yeah mountain do I think no I don't think so there's a new mountain do that they put a bunch of caffeine in a while ago maybe they took it off the market by now that's the one that made me go to cedar cyanide for having a panic attack yeah it was that exact same drink mountain dew made you go to the hospital that was one where I pulled over on the side of the road and they like I sat on the curb with my phone out with a head I had 9 -1 and I had one about to push inner just because I felt like I was having a heart attack.

[48] What do you feel, Brian?

[49] It felt like your heart's going, blah, blah, like.

[50] Can you breathe, though?

[51] But weren't you high, too?

[52] No, I wasn't high, yeah.

[53] You weren't high at all.

[54] I had not eaten that day.

[55] Oh.

[56] But I had one of those to wake me up.

[57] Just one?

[58] Yeah, but it was a big ass.

[59] I mean, this was like a humongous.

[60] Like a big goal?

[61] Like a size of a C2O, like that kind of thing.

[62] What is that, like 18 ounces?

[63] Yeah, and then I would say it's like 16 to 8.

[64] 18, yeah.

[65] But they checked me, the ambulance check me, like, dude, your heart's going crazy.

[66] We need to get you inside.

[67] And then they, like, put whatever that water in your blood is because they said I was dehydrated.

[68] Oh, they gave you, like, an IV trip?

[69] Yeah, and they gave me an IV trip.

[70] But it cost me like $3 ,000 for this fucking mountain dude.

[71] That's incredible.

[72] Isn't it amazing how much it costs, like, for an ambulance to come and just look at you and touch you?

[73] Ambulance alone was $900.

[74] Yeah, don't sign the paperwork.

[75] I can tell them, run out of that.

[76] What is that, um, so when they charge you $900, okay?

[77] Is it for their time?

[78] It's the service.

[79] It's like the most expensive limo in the road, man. If I was rich, I'd be just using ambulances because you can go through lights.

[80] What, just say you have a heart attack?

[81] Say I'm just kidding.

[82] No, no. Seriously, that's a good company.

[83] Brilliant bastard.

[84] Yeah, you're brilliant.

[85] That's like a felony.

[86] Huh?

[87] No. It's a felony for calling an ambulance.

[88] If you have an ambulance company and you go through all the right paperwork and you're like, you know, I need to be picked up.

[89] Dude, if this wasn't a comedy podcast, just because what you said, you'd probably go to jail.

[90] under the Patriot Act This was like a crazy Right wing That is brilliant So brilliant Some fucking guy in Long Island right now Seems a great idea I'm gonna open up an ambulance company And tell people I'm gonna run through red light Dog trust me That's brilliant And they'll do it till they get fucking pulled over What's going on here And the person I'm having a heart attack Again No no I thought if I had the lights I could run through red lights Well no and if you get pulled over You're just in the back seat and go All right say that you're having a panic attack and we'll just take it to the hospital.

[91] Well, there was a guy when I lived in Newton, Massachusetts.

[92] There was a guy who, which by the way, I went back to recently.

[93] And I couldn't believe how small it was.

[94] It was really weird.

[95] It's weird when you go back home, then you realize how small everything was.

[96] You don't know what happened.

[97] Especially like Boston area.

[98] Like it was all, those little towns were separated by these little two -lane roads.

[99] It's really weird.

[100] It's really weird to go back to it.

[101] I don't forget what we were talking.

[102] You went back home and you went to Newton.

[103] I don't fucking know either.

[104] What did you say just before that?

[105] About the ambulance.

[106] Oh, the guy was that sort of was.

[107] Sorry.

[108] Sorry, folks.

[109] A guy was using the ambulance.

[110] Like, it wasn't going to an emergency.

[111] He was just using it because he wanted to get home or whatever.

[112] He wanted to do whatever the fuck you wanted to do.

[113] He wanted to go through this light.

[114] And he slammed in this woman and killed her.

[115] And it was bad.

[116] You know, it was, I mean, they wanted him dead.

[117] I remember this.

[118] Like, people were.

[119] We're fucking really upset that someone died because someone abused a public thing like that.

[120] People, you know, people expect that if an ambulance is coming through, it's risking safety because it's trying to save a life.

[121] And his dick was just driving around.

[122] I thought it was cute to run red lights.

[123] So I, check this out, whoo, we, we, you know, slammed into somebody.

[124] I always pull over.

[125] I see people today, a cop, but three cop cars went by me. Me and maybe two other people pulled over.

[126] They don't fucking pull over.

[127] They don't fucking pull over.

[128] it's scary it's scary yeah people are dickish man they like to wait for other people to pull over so they can pull over and follow the ambulance and like cut a path through i've seen people do that they don't do it at all out here i mean ohio everybody everybody pulled over everybody pulls over i just saw it and i'm like this is fucking rude california is some of the worst driving manners i've ever ever ever ever it's so rare first of all that anybody ever gets out of the fast lane you know it's it's amazing when you watch someone in the fast lane then you watch someone pull up behind them and you see them just sit there and then the person has to go around like they look and they know and they know they're going slow they're going 60 get out of the lane they don't want to get out of the lane it's my fucking way yeah it's my car it's my name in the east coast you're dealing with these little two lane roads two lanes on each side so everybody who's going slow goes to the fucking right you don't want to 90 move the fuck over it's all that simple but california it's like everything else it's like such a wealth of lanes out here there's so many fucking and lanes on the highway, the people are like, well, just going to get another lane, where you have to go fast.

[129] Like you, I move over.

[130] Yeah.

[131] Check this out.

[132] Have you seen this?

[133] Rethink your drink.

[134] This just how much sugars in each different kind of drink, I think it is.

[135] Oh my God, look at Red Bull.

[136] Holy fuck.

[137] Is that real?

[138] Or is that caffeine?

[139] Caffeine.

[140] That's sugar?

[141] Oh, yeah.

[142] Oh, my God.

[143] Look how much sugar's in Red Bull.

[144] That's insane.

[145] The same as a small amount.

[146] Mountain dew, though.

[147] It's, it is, right?

[148] Oh, my God.

[149] That's not even a regular -sized mountain -dew, it looks like.

[150] And you know what?

[151] Here's the other thing.

[152] It'd be better if it was actually sugar in there.

[153] Now, was there sugar in water?

[154] Is that what that's saying?

[155] Yeah, what's the saying about water.

[156] How's that possible?

[157] How's that possible?

[158] That's not true.

[159] That's zero.

[160] That's so zero, right?

[161] No. I think that's just a reflection.

[162] Yeah, I think you're right.

[163] Yeah.

[164] It's trying to get you to drink water, obviously.

[165] Yeah.

[166] No. Or, you mean, not.

[167] I think that's just a reflection.

[168] Yeah.

[169] I think you're right.

[170] Yeah.

[171] Yeah.

[172] It's trying to get you to drink water, obviously.

[173] Yeah.

[174] Yeah.

[175] Or, you mean, A little packet of Kool -Aid.

[176] That's ridiculous.

[177] It has the same amount as a little plate chocolate milk.

[178] That's crazy.

[179] Yeah, there's a lot of sugar in our lives, folks.

[180] We're kind of hooked on that.

[181] Yeah, I'm trying not to drink coffee right now, and I've been drinking this Trenta -sized Passion Fruit iced tea every day.

[182] It has no caffeine in it, but I don't get the sweetener in it, and I get Splenda, and that's just got to give you brain cancer.

[183] That's got to give you that much splendor drinking that much.

[184] Stevia, go with the stevia.

[185] Yeah, but Starbucks doesn't have some.

[186] stevia for some weird.

[187] We got a little packets here.

[188] Take some of these home.

[189] We got a gang of them here.

[190] Why don't you think Starbucks goes on Steve?

[191] Too expensive?

[192] I don't know.

[193] Maybe they have a deal with splendor to keep people from knowing about Stevia, suppressing knowledge dog.

[194] Yeah.

[195] Suppressing that herbal goodness.

[196] Stevia's delicious.

[197] It took me a little while to get used to it, but knowing that it's an herbal sweetener and that it's like literally no strings attached.

[198] It's just your body takes it in, doesn't seem to have any...

[199] Am I telling the truth?

[200] Does it seem to have any health side effect?

[201] I think recently I heard some stuff and that's why people were telling me to go to something else.

[202] That other one that's like with a X or a Z or Xavier.

[203] Oh, xylitol.

[204] Zylitol.

[205] Yeah.

[206] I've heard that as well.

[207] Like some people like the xylitol.

[208] Well, there was a reason that people were saying something recently about Stevia.

[209] Maybe I'm wrong.

[210] Okay.

[211] Well, let's Google.

[212] What's wrong with Stevia?

[213] What do you do, Joey?

[214] Do you do straight...

[215] I have a little stevia at the house that Aubrey gave me. I have the blue packages.

[216] I like it because it's super strong, too.

[217] I have sugar, too, which I don't use.

[218] Every once in a while with the new coffee machine, I'll make a Cuban coffee.

[219] But, ah, you know what's crazy, dog?

[220] The biggest addiction I ever had was to Coca -Cola.

[221] And with the weight watches, I stopped drinking soda.

[222] And it was, like, the toughest three months of my fucking life, guys.

[223] Like, I thought it was worse than getting off the blow, not having, like, Chinese food or something with a Coke.

[224] The other day I went to someplace to eat And the guy goes, we're out of Diet Coke I said, you know what, give me a Coke It was fucking horrible It's too sugary Oh my God It's ridiculous Oh my fucking God It was terrible Sweat this Stevia is used as a weight loss aid It's used for treating diabetes High blood pressure and heartburn For lowering uric acid levels And for preventing pregnancy Also for increasing the strength of the muscle contractions that pump blood from the heart.

[225] Wow.

[226] Yeah.

[227] That doesn't seem like you could eat that all day.

[228] It seems like if you ate that all day, you'd have some fucking issues.

[229] I mean, maybe we should talk to Tate.

[230] He could be our patient zero, because that dude's got Stevie in his system all day.

[231] He just drinks those mugs of bulletproof coffee.

[232] I should give a plug to Tate, too, because Tate just started his own mobile coffee business.

[233] business.

[234] He's doing a butter coffee truck and they I guess they roll around.

[235] It's called rolling butter.

[236] It's rolling underscore butter on Twitter.

[237] And he's got like a butter coffee truck.

[238] All sorts of different flavors and shit.

[239] He shows up at CrossFit events.

[240] Those CrossFit guys are junkies for that butter coffee like bulletproof coffee.

[241] The MCT oil in it.

[242] So Tate decided to set up a truck and just roll around.

[243] He had his first event this week.

[244] You need to go to the on -leau classic oh yeah but you know last thing you want to do is take a fucking truck all the way to ohio especially in march you in march in ohio son you might get fucked that shit might go ugly on you it could easily snow like a bitch in march right yeah oh yeah you're it's a bad it's risky in march remember that time back when you were making the videos where that one dude he took a shirt off and you made a video about it like he took a shirt off in the audience oh right dancing around remember that guy He was hammered.

[245] And then he gave me a big hug.

[246] And then he was so, I mean, ridiculously hammered.

[247] And then after the show, we found him in the parking lot.

[248] Blood all over his face.

[249] No shirt on.

[250] Somebody beat the shit out of him.

[251] And it was like zero degrees out.

[252] We're like, well, you take care, buddy.

[253] Get in the car.

[254] Like, that's a fucking normal Friday night for that dude, probably.

[255] Totally.

[256] As they're telling you the story, they're pulling a tooth out of their mouth.

[257] Yeah, sometimes.

[258] Yeah.

[259] Hey, fucking hit me with a bat.

[260] Oh, shit.

[261] They fucking show it to you.

[262] They ain't me to bat.

[263] You got any ice on you, an extra bat, an extra jacket.

[264] What the fuck, I?

[265] I'll tell you what, that show Friday night that we did was, that was a nice place.

[266] I had never been there before.

[267] Yeah, that was great.

[268] The joint.

[269] Well, the audience was amazing.

[270] You know, the audiences we've been getting lately, it's just off the charts.

[271] They're so happy.

[272] It's like such a friendly, happy group.

[273] Like, overwhelmingly.

[274] It's amazing.

[275] I don't know how we ever pulled it off, but it's amazing.

[276] And the joint was probably one of the best ones yet.

[277] It was one of the best crowds ever.

[278] It was amazing.

[279] Everybody's so friendly.

[280] That bar was great.

[281] Yeah, we had a great time.

[282] Joey and I went to that center bar, and we held court for like three hours.

[283] Three hours.

[284] Just hang around talking to people.

[285] You know, Max Heberle got too drunk.

[286] Did you see Max?

[287] Drunk Max Heverly?

[288] Was he throwing Asians?

[289] He tore to charts.

[290] He torched in this little.

[291] Asian Jersey girl.

[292] She was half Asian, half Irish.

[293] He was torturing her.

[294] He'll torture your mom.

[295] Oh, he don't give a fuck.

[296] Gets closer with a Jack Coke and his system.

[297] Oh, he's done, though.

[298] He's a great guy, though.

[299] He'll zoom in on you.

[300] It's over.

[301] Yeah, we had an awesome time.

[302] It was a, you know what?

[303] It was like, there was a lot of good vibes.

[304] Nice people.

[305] And I took the limo over to the fucking South Point.

[306] Yeah, you did another show after that, huh?

[307] At 12 .30, and it was Jay Davis was there.

[308] Jason Rouse was there.

[309] And it's a late show, bro.

[310] it was mind boggling.

[311] I'm thinking of doing the weekend there.

[312] Really?

[313] I'm going to call him in August and go, give me the 1230 at 1230.

[314] Wow, was that good?

[315] And it was, and it was what's going on, that all these comics worked, like Bobby Collins was there.

[316] Bobby Collins did 10.

[317] Some other girl did 10.

[318] It was smooth.

[319] Wow.

[320] So there's like a bunch of real comics doing.

[321] Oh, my God.

[322] There had to be 250 in there, P -215 people.

[323] No shit.

[324] And what was, how good?

[325] All the locals.

[326] Wow.

[327] And this is what they were telling me. Like, people were coming back with drinks like People who can't.

[328] Bro, let me tell you something.

[329] I went over there, and there had to be 150 people from the joint show.

[330] No shit.

[331] I showed up with tickets for me to sign.

[332] We told them you were going there.

[333] And they were going, listen, man, this is fucking amazing.

[334] I just got four cocktails for $17.

[335] Didn't we announce it on stage that you did?

[336] You were drinking something.

[337] Something was going on.

[338] I didn't know.

[339] I didn't know for sure.

[340] People were like, hey, you're going to be at the top point?

[341] Yeah.

[342] Went over there.

[343] I said, Jay Davies.

[344] I seen a bunch of comics.

[345] I hadn't seen that just hang out drinking.

[346] Well, we should do that when we're in town.

[347] Like in between the big shows.

[348] Every Friday, 12 .30, right?

[349] I like a 12 .30 spot.

[350] Elnor was asking if you guys were going to go stop by, because I guess they had a show at the other club at the hard rock the same night, vinyl.

[351] At the other hard rock?

[352] Oh, Eleanor and Dice did?

[353] Yeah.

[354] Oh, that's hilarious.

[355] So they were in the same place as us?

[356] Yeah, and they were seeing if you wanted to come before or after.

[357] I think it was before.

[358] Well, he was, apparently his son was playing.

[359] He wanted us to come watch his son's band after my show.

[360] But we got mobbed by people And we had a lot You know Justin was with us So he's there like every weekend right I think so For a while Yeah Something like that It's amazing Powerful dice client How many comics were there Like a lot of guys came up and said hello Did Joe come?

[361] A lot of guys I didn't recognize I didn't know their names Well you know what If Vegas was like really smoothly run There would be a real comedy scene there I mean it doesn't make sense It wouldn't be you're dealing with all these tourists that are coming in from out of town on a regular basis.

[362] It doesn't have to be on the strip if you have one good spot think of like that steak joint, that Brazilian place we go to, Texas Day Brazil or the Chuhas Korea.

[363] That's nowhere near the strip.

[364] It's way the fuck out there.

[365] It's somewhere in another part of, it's not near the casinos.

[366] But everybody goes there.

[367] Everybody goes there because it's good because they know it's there and it's good.

[368] And, you know, there's people in town in Vegas that are always looking to do something.

[369] I know the casino would like to keep the shows in the casinos and it's great to do the joint that was perfect for us but like for like the local comics like there should be a few comedy clubs in Vegas it seems like you could have like a real local scene in Vegas I can't believe this is how embarrassing this is and I hate to say this because people gonna think I'm we walk past Brad Garrett and it's like eh I like we ain't going to Brad Garrett Nobody goes to Brad Garrett We're not going because they don't Well Duncan no no I shouldn't say that because, not Duncan.

[370] Dom does it.

[371] He likes it.

[372] Yeah, he likes it.

[373] That's why, but it's like, they'll never call it.

[374] Why don't we go?

[375] It's because we're too dirty.

[376] Is that what it is?

[377] I don't know.

[378] I think that he just likes a certain style.

[379] And, you know, I think Adam Hunter did it and he liked it.

[380] He asked me. But, you know, when I see it, I'm like, oh, like, I never even think of it.

[381] I always assumed that I'm too dirty.

[382] And then the L .A. The L .A. comedy club hit me up when I was in Vegas saying if we wanted to go over there late night and do a spot.

[383] What's the L .A. Comedy Club?

[384] It's at Bally's, I guess.

[385] So there is a few comics.

[386] Yeah, there's a little action.

[387] A lot of them have, like, they have, like, Roseanne Barr there every night.

[388] Right, every night.

[389] Like, the last factory has Roseanne Bar there.

[390] Okay, let me ask you this.

[391] How does that work?

[392] How does someone do, like, the same town every night, like, five, six nights a week for years and years and years?

[393] Yeah, they have new people.

[394] I know, they have new people, but how do you not go crazy?

[395] Because it's fucking Vegas and it has the hottest shit going on all day.

[396] It's like the best party, you know?

[397] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[398] But let me tell you somebody.

[399] Best food.

[400] Sweetie Pie.

[401] If you live there, it's very likely you might lose your mind.

[402] Vegas has got, there's a void in that town.

[403] You know, there's a lot of good people that live in Vegas, and there's a lot of fun in Vegas.

[404] But this is the devil lives in Vegas.

[405] You know he does.

[406] We all know he does.

[407] And if you live there, if you were there, you live there, ooh, I don't know, Brian.

[408] The devil has the baddest bitches, Joe.

[409] Listen, I'm 50 years old.

[410] A lot of fun in Vegas to tell you.

[411] Five, six years, I'm still alive.

[412] I might want to go to Vegas.

[413] you know you get old you do you want to do Monday through Saturday first off I wouldn't stay in the casino Joe of course I live 45 minutes out of there that would not be my life at all but like when I heard Roseanne Barr she's doing it yeah she lives in Vegas now no I guess she commutes or stays I don't know what one day a week no she does the whole week for Jim Missada the whole week yeah Monday through she does the 8 o 'clock show then the clock some line up comes in and they do it no shit yeah so a lot of people like that dude just changed it to 10 you know Bobby couldn't make it work.

[414] It takes a certain comment to make it work.

[415] The hotel has to get behind you.

[416] Vegas ain't what it used to be, dog.

[417] It's not, you know, I read an article that the UFC brings how much money per weekend when there's a Vegas that way?

[418] I don't know.

[419] I would imagine.

[420] And it's like, wow, yeah.

[421] I see it.

[422] I see the fucking concessions.

[423] Pack, you know, the cheerleading competition from Ogala, Nebraska ain't going to do that type of stuff.

[424] This is the fucking UFC.

[425] Yeah, that's one of the reasons why it's so disgusting that it's illegal in New York because they would make so much money from having a UFC there.

[426] It would generate so much revenue.

[427] For the city, it would be fantastic.

[428] And the fact that these dirty unions have kept it out for that long, it's really kind of spectacular.

[429] You imagine the UFC at, man. Just close your fucking eyes for five fucking minutes.

[430] We go to the palms first.

[431] We get a steak with lobster on it or some shit.

[432] A lobster fucking bisque and a house salad.

[433] We shoot over.

[434] Are you fucking kidding me?

[435] A wedge with brew cheese.

[436] And you got to remember that in New York, when we get out of that motherfucking UFC at 11 o 'clock, because the UFC ends at one in New York.

[437] So we'd be walking out of the garden at one fucking 30.

[438] It's like walking into your oyster.

[439] Your oyster?

[440] Of life.

[441] You know how everything is open?

[442] You get anything.

[443] You get Chinese Cuban, you get Italian in the Bronx, you get fucking Scungeal salad.

[444] You could get whatever the fuck you want at 1 .30 in the morning.

[445] We don't have to go get a state.

[446] We go to Chinatown.

[447] We've got a spaghetti and clam sauce.

[448] How many spots are there in L .A. where you could pull that off?

[449] At one in the morning.

[450] There's a few.

[451] Name them.

[452] Dan Tannis.

[453] Dan is open until two.

[454] Dan Tannas is open until two?

[455] They served at two.

[456] until two.

[457] They served until two?

[458] I believe they do.

[459] I'm pretty sure.

[460] I got a steak there.

[461] I know one night after the comedy store really late.

[462] And it was goddamn delicious.

[463] Oh, it's delicious with the cider pasta.

[464] Oh, so good.

[465] Good Googling.

[466] Dan Tana is just like one of those legit old school restaurants from the East Coast that exists in California somehow or another.

[467] And it's very few places like that place.

[468] I'm going to tell you whatever place exists in California.

[469] Really?

[470] Santa Monica Boulevard.

[471] It's sensational.

[472] Oh, my God.

[473] I just was at the spot.

[474] A couple weeks ago, one of my favorite clubs in the country, the San Jose Improv.

[475] And I love it.

[476] It's down the block from the hotel.

[477] Everything's easy.

[478] Original Joe's.

[479] You've got motherfucking original Joe's for lunch.

[480] And you go in there, you get the house salad with the spaghetti meat.

[481] I can't even eat the meatball sausage no more.

[482] It's so much.

[483] I get so scared.

[484] I just get the fucking regular ragu sauce now.

[485] No bread, no butter.

[486] And the house salad.

[487] They cook a fucking hell of a steak, too.

[488] They got a char -boyle grill, charcoal.

[489] They use real wood charcoal.

[490] No, they don't fuck around.

[491] And the Waiters with those fucking things.

[492] Cuxitos.

[493] I've been eating the original Joe since 80 motherfucking five in the Tenderloin.

[494] The Tenderloin.

[495] I've never been to that one.

[496] Just as good.

[497] They just burnt down.

[498] They're Jewish lightninged.

[499] And then there fucking something happened.

[500] The cap back open.

[501] Something happened.

[502] I don't know.

[503] I did San Francisco last week.

[504] I was in town.

[505] Tremendous food town.

[506] I forgot how much I loved that.

[507] I love that one hill.

[508] Every time you go, you take me to that hill to eat pasta.

[509] Yeah, Columbus.

[510] Go nuts.

[511] You're like, no, we're going to this place.

[512] Is that Calzones?

[513] Yeah.

[514] Calzone's on Columbus?

[515] Oh, my God.

[516] And we go there after shows, too.

[517] We go there.

[518] Yeah, and that's another, that's a legit place.

[519] Yeah, that's a legit place.

[520] Yeah.

[521] Remember there's another place down the street where I got that video of Tommy Buns?

[522] He was dancing.

[523] Segaro was dancing some music, and you came in.

[524] It was you and me and security.

[525] Remember that?

[526] Yeah.

[527] What's that Asian place too that we go to that?

[528] Like the really creepy one.

[529] Oh, yeah, with Denny.

[530] Yeah, that's, well, it's in like a sketchy area where we went outside.

[531] We had some Asian food after the show.

[532] And as we left, we left, we, We went outside the door, and they had an aquarium drive -by filled with strippers.

[533] Oh, that's right.

[534] Do you remember that?

[535] We got a video of the hoe truck.

[536] It's on YouTube somewhere.

[537] This truck pulled up.

[538] We're like, this is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life.

[539] And the cops would pull up aside and hit the lights, tell everybody, sit down, sit down.

[540] Because they're only allowed to dance when the truck's not moving.

[541] So they had seatbelts they'd have to wear.

[542] So it's like a pole, and there's like some seats.

[543] and like little tiny seats with seat bolts and the fucking cop would pull up and hit the lights and go sit down, sit down this girl's dancing on a pole in the back of a fucking seat and all I could think of was imagining life from their eyes you're naked and you're just driving around like bait like you're like they're chumming they're chumming the whole city to try to get them into this club and they're doing it by putting bait in a box like that's what people have been reduced to like a woman in the smallest amount of clothes legally possible with ridiculous shoes that you know she can't run good in and she's dancing around on a pole asking you to come with her it's crazy it's ridiculous a fucking fish tank full of chicks I went to the Playboy mansion and I got to see all his like rare birds and they have like he has he's like the largest collector of rare birds ever Really?

[544] Yeah, and you walk in, I don't know if it's the number one, but maybe in California or whatever, whatever.

[545] On his block.

[546] Yeah, right.

[547] But when you walk in, there's these birds there that don't even look like real birds.

[548] Like, I was thinking, like, I haven't even seen that before, like, in a book or a magazine or on TV.

[549] So when he saw it in person, it just seemed like it was fake.

[550] It was so awesome.

[551] He has the coolest animals, like monkeys collections that I've ever seen.

[552] He has these monkeys that look like old men that just come up and are like, and they have, like, these beards and, like, these mustache.

[553] and they look like, like, samurai.

[554] Did it freak you out that they're, like, locked in a little cage?

[555] No, because they're humongous cages.

[556] Like, it was, like, having a cage be, like, the size of, like, a football field.

[557] How many acres does that dude have out there?

[558] It was a lot because I got, like, the full tour.

[559] Like, most times you go to the Playboy Mansion, you have, like, it's, like, sectioned off, and you're, like, at the small piece of it.

[560] I was there with friends of the family, like, the girl I was with, her mom was married to Hugh in the 70s.

[561] And so she's just, like, let me show you around.

[562] So I got to go.

[563] It, I don't even think I saw it all.

[564] I mean, I walked for long periods of times on these paths where they would have like these little benches, like blowjob stations and then go for another mile down the path.

[565] I would imagine that place would be expensive as fuck to keep up.

[566] He had a staff about 100, 200 people there too.

[567] All the time?

[568] I don't know.

[569] A hundred, 200 people?

[570] Could you imagine you had to pay 100 people and it's to run your house?

[571] Yeah.

[572] That's amazing.

[573] That's craziness.

[574] Did the Joe Rivers have some shit like that?

[575] I don't know if Joan Rivers, but you know, at the end of the day, that place, the Comedy Store, they should just pick those places up and put them together so people could see that for centuries when the world ends, is it?

[576] Because that's one of the most interesting places in the world.

[577] Fuck Disneyland with fucking rides and Mickey Mouse.

[578] The mansion.

[579] How many Cox were really sucked there?

[580] How many dreams were broken there?

[581] How many women left there going?

[582] I'm done.

[583] You know what I'm saying?

[584] Like, I just sucked 11.

[585] I got crabs, I got chlamydia.

[586] I'm done, and he didn't put me in the magazine.

[587] You think of what really happened in there because that's completely different than being on the East Coast.

[588] That's a hot -that's a fucking den of broken dreams.

[589] You know what was the coolest thing?

[590] Was how many older playmates were there?

[591] They were the coolest girls in the world.

[592] I was sitting in the game room smoking weed on the...

[593] I mean, I don't know if I should say it.

[594] Easy!

[595] There was a room...

[596] Disrespect the mansion like that.

[597] There's this room that the floor is made out of...

[598] like a mattress so like you walk in and something your feet feel weird you're like what the fuck shoes?

[599] Yeah yeah everybody gets staff right I know everybody's fucking they get staff but the carpet it looks like carpet but it's actually a mattress so you just sit down anyways but there was like these ladies that would come out of nowhere and there were beautiful like the most beautiful cougars how old?

[600] I'd say 45 how old how old?

[601] Wow and they would just come up and like hey guys how's it going mind if I join you and you're just like that's the coolest hot chick ah are they is like that part of their occupation to sort of mingle and...

[602] Well, it was July 4th, so I think it was more of just like all the old...

[603] Everybody's family.

[604] It was like a family.

[605] Yeah.

[606] Bobby Benton.

[607] All those chicks were playing mates, bro.

[608] What's she really?

[609] Bobby Benton was a playmate, I think.

[610] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[611] Is she still doing comedy?

[612] No, Barbie Benton from the 70s.

[613] Who talking about?

[614] The brunette.

[615] When we were kids, the hot brunette.

[616] Barbie with the vein of the tit from the comedy store that used to do that weed room on fucking Vermont, the whole town.

[617] That's the shit.

[618] Bobby, yeah, yeah, what she used to have the yellow car?

[619] Is that what the yellow must say?

[620] She had fake kids, but they put the vein from her bicep right in her tit.

[621] Instead of a tattoo, this bitch had a big old yolk vein.

[622] Like, he had been doing fucking crunches, not crunches, but flies all after on the peck machine.

[623] Whatever the fuck it is.

[624] I kept on thinking I was going to see Felicia Michaels.

[625] It was like a bunch of people like Felicia Michaels come up.

[626] Does Felicia go there?

[627] No. I don't think she goes.

[628] I think she's been there to part, like, for parties, like all of us.

[629] How's she doing?

[630] She's doing, stand -up?

[631] Yeah, she's doing whatever.

[632] Wow stand -up?

[633] I don't know.

[634] I don't know.

[635] She was a funny chick, man. Yeah, they're all.

[636] Everybody's doing good, but that place is very interesting.

[637] Like, I went there with a complete different, like, I did the comedy for Tom Likist years ago on Fridays.

[638] Oh, yeah?

[639] And I go and hang out.

[640] Some of it, I can't lie.

[641] It's not my cup of tea, you know, it's not.

[642] You're either going to suck my dick or you're not.

[643] You're not going to walk around naked and talk to me like that.

[644] You know what I'm saying?

[645] Suck my dick.

[646] But these savages were, you know, and they were just people.

[647] When you're looking at them and you feel bad, but they're having a great time.

[648] And they have, like, people who come up there with the illusion that they're going to meet playmates.

[649] Right.

[650] Like, they had guys.

[651] Yeah, they had a cologne on the shit.

[652] Pollyester suits, three -piece, the shoes.

[653] It's really, it was weird.

[654] But when you look at that place, you go, what really went on in that?

[655] Well, what's interesting to me is, if I think about it, the Playboy Mansion is, is that it's sort of like the last sort of a house like that of a...

[656] Ever.

[657] It's not going to exist anymore.

[658] I think it's going to be a museum because when I was walking through it, it felt very like I could see this being a museum.

[659] Well, it should be kind of.

[660] Yeah, you can't.

[661] And it's not disrespectful at all.

[662] I think that no one, I mean, maybe someone could do something like that in the future where they could create like a whole destination.

[663] But that's a destination.

[664] It's not just a house.

[665] It's not just a business.

[666] Like, it would be like, oh, there's the Strike Force fights this weekend at the Playboy Mansion.

[667] Like, they had fights this.

[668] We went to watch fights there.

[669] You know, they had more than one mixed martial arts event there.

[670] I met Hefner's kids, though, and his sons, and I think they're going to take over.

[671] I mean, they look like young versions of him.

[672] Like, I could see them just stepping in and being like fucking pimps.

[673] Well, it makes sense.

[674] He would groom them.

[675] You know, why wouldn't you want to keep that business in the family?

[676] It's an iconic name, you know?

[677] It's like, you can't go wrong with good management, with the whole playboy thing.

[678] The crazy thing Just licensing those tattoos Yeah When I live in Boulder There was a girl in Boulder There was a limo in Boulder At all times It said HF number one on it And there was a white stretch limo And there had a black driver And the chick was blonde And her claim to fame Was that she was Hemp's daughter Really?

[679] She went to the University of Colorado And he drove everywhere in a fucking limo Wow A HF1 limo F1 limo Wow In how much coke she did in that limo And that's a thing I mean how many people I know like James Kahn was associated Like I watched that movie Was on about a month ago That stupid movie 21 What was that movie that the girl got killed Eric Roberts played the creepy boyfriend Oh yeah No no no no I'm sorry Come on Come on guys What the fuck Hey She was the playmate 1981 Sharon I know Eric Roberts Played killer They did 19 what, 19 what -ish?

[680] She was the playmate in the 80s?

[681] Yeah, Star 80.

[682] What the fuck is wrong with it?

[683] Jesus Christ, Joe.

[684] The fuck is, I'm how it's stupid.

[685] Star 80 was a movie with Eric Roberts was creepy as fuck.

[686] And he plays her boyfriend, he discovers her in Canada, brings her to, marries her.

[687] She's like 15.

[688] Isn't it strange when you see a guy like Eric Roberts that you see him?

[689] He starts out, Pope of Greenwich Village.

[690] He's in this fucking unbelievable movie with Mickey Rourke.

[691] Like, it's just an unbelievable.

[692] Still, to this day, holds up.

[693] then one day he's on celebrity rehab you know in between there's like some karate movies and shit and you know for whatever reason like he vanishes and then has to come back now that's his daughter that's blowing up right now who's his daughter that's an actress yeah the daughter was the daughter on uh star 80 right there yeah star radio wow I don't even believe I've seen this movie yeah he was creepy at the end he fucking gets these benches he was making weightlifting equipment but he also So his real business, he was making sex equipment.

[694] And he takes her over there, he sits it down.

[695] He fucking ties her, he rips her legs up.

[696] I mean, he just destroyed it, though.

[697] Oh, no. He was a creepy, motherfucker.

[698] And he shot himself, fuck him, you know.

[699] In the movie?

[700] Yeah, his character shot himself, too.

[701] Two dudes.

[702] They did two movies.

[703] They did Star Rady with this broad, and they did a different one.

[704] With the guy from General Hospital now, the older guy that I married on General Hospital.

[705] You remember when they cut his thumb off, the Pope of Greenwich?

[706] Yeah.

[707] Thank God, Mike.

[708] thumb, Charlie.

[709] They come, my dumb.

[710] What he says, the monologue, what he says to Mickey Rourke, when he goes, what happened here?

[711] He goes, she left me. He goes, what's wrong with you?

[712] He goes, you know, remember he just breaks it down?

[713] He goes, sometimes they try to embarrass you, and you've got to backhand them, and you look at them face and tell him, you don't look at nobody.

[714] You don't say good night to nobody.

[715] That whole little monologue, look at that again.

[716] Very interesting.

[717] He was excellent.

[718] Excellent, excellent.

[719] He was a really, really good actor.

[720] That's why it's weird.

[721] When you see him, like, one day in that crazy karate movie.

[722] Remember that shit?

[723] He played a karate master.

[724] He just back fist, dude, was knock him out of all.

[725] The saddest thing is you ready for this?

[726] Okay.

[727] I just saw the motherfucker on audition about eight weeks ago.

[728] Really?

[729] Auditioning for what?

[730] Auditioning for a co -star like me. Wow.

[731] That doesn't make any sense.

[732] I just, I don't understand how does a guy who's that talented.

[733] And he was in that Sylvester Stallone movie recently.

[734] He was in the first one.

[735] What is the one with Randy Couture?

[736] the expendables yeah yeah yeah he was in that wasn't he I don't know he's he was it yeah I'm pretty sure he was the bad guy he was fucking excellent guy can act his ass off he's always and his sister don't like him his sister doesn't see I know that when he was when they were doing he's you know who his daughter is the chick on blow the little girl in blow what's the movie blow with that little girl and then she wanted to be a Disney star she's a Disney star look her up red man she's like some Disney chick but supposedly when they shoot at the fucking studios they have security there he can't come on the set and she's julia robert's niece so julia roberts really like fucking put security on her and stuff because she they try to keep her away from him i don't know the whole story i'm just telling you what i heard secondhand when she shoots movies or tv shows huh there's something going on there i don't know exactly what the fuck the thing is she's really cute the kid she was the cute girl in blow that he tells he's going to meet her at the end the whole thing well when he was on that Celebrity Rehab, it was very strange.

[737] It just didn't make any sense that he was there.

[738] Like, it seemed like he just needed a break.

[739] Emma Roberts.

[740] Didn't really, huh?

[741] Emma Roberts.

[742] Emma Roberts.

[743] Emma Roberts.

[744] She's real cute, right?

[745] Mm -hmm.

[746] Young girl.

[747] Got to be safe.

[748] Whenever someone go in a rehab for weed, they really almost need, like, a behavioral break.

[749] They need, like, you know, you're going to rehab for life.

[750] Like, you're off the rails for everything.

[751] You know, if you really, if you go in a rehab for weed, it's like, he just need to go somewhere Do you think there's certain cases though that you could see going to rehab for weed?

[752] Like people are like Ralphie Mae used to be at his prime where he would be like seriously smoking like two pounds of weed a day or something.

[753] Well he's a perfect example and no disrespect to Ralphie but look at him.

[754] Yeah.

[755] And so that's obviously a very impulsive person and that's where I think that it's probably you're not dealing with just the weed itself.

[756] You're dealing with life in general.

[757] Like there's this good...

[758] Look, we're all impulsive.

[759] Stand -up comedians are some of the most impulsive people.

[760] There's something about the type of person that thinks to say some of the shit that we say, like the way your brain works, it's almost like an instinct for us to just be wacky.

[761] You know, it's, so when you get a guy that, like, is a stand -up comedian and then you find out he's a gambling addict, it's never a shock.

[762] It's never a shock when they're, you know, you find out they're blowing all their money betting on sports, like it's Norm MacDonald, or, you know, they're blowing all money on coke yeah like you for years yeah or for me how about i lock myself in my house and i play quake for 12 hours a day i'm a fucking idiot you know it's the same thing it's like we get impulsive we have this like almost uncontrollable desire i would be sitting around i was like a i would be sitting around doing something else and all i could think i was getting back to my computer i'm like i just gonna get online and play some quake and everything will be okay loading myself up with caffeine and why it's crazy it's part of being a comedian you know so i i i you know it's i I could kind of understand comedians being caught up in almost any, like, nutty impulse like that.

[763] But, you know, marijuana, really?

[764] You're going to rehab for that?

[765] You're going to rehab for life, son.

[766] That's what you're doing.

[767] Life itself is just too slippery right now.

[768] You need to break, which is understandable, you know?

[769] I need to go to rehab for Jack Daniels, I think.

[770] Do you really?

[771] How often you've been drinking?

[772] No, I mean, not for drinking in general, but, like, I try not to drink Jack Daniels now, and it's like I miss it so much.

[773] It's so hard not to do it.

[774] I never drink Jack Daniels my whole entire life except for like the last, what, seven months?

[775] Coincidentally, the last year of your life, you've been bawling out of control.

[776] You're going out Leonard's Stearned style, son.

[777] You're listening to a sweet home Alabama when your car drives off the cliff.

[778] And what's the number seven meaning the Jack Daniels?

[779] Lucky seven or some shit like that?

[780] It says like old number seven.

[781] I don't know.

[782] It's probably like their seventh version of it that they made if I had a guess.

[783] Let's find out.

[784] Jack Daniels' old number seven.

[785] seven ingredients I gamble for about four months and I knew it wasn't for me yeah I I can't I can't four or five months and I was like fuck you I don't trust myself I'm gonna give my money to some fucking idiot of dine a Thursday at five o 'clock over five fucking dudes shooting a hoop that is not happening the rest of my fucking life or baseball or fucking baskets or anything that was I love going like San Anita Park in Pasadena I take $40 with me. I go, I get a hot dog, I get a powdered beer.

[786] Once the $40 is gone, I get in my fucking car and I go home.

[787] Did you just say a powdered beer?

[788] What's your powdered beer?

[789] The beer they sell you at those stadiums.

[790] What do you think they sell you a fucking drab beer?

[791] Pouded beer.

[792] That's why I get a fucking headache for three days.

[793] You're going to a football game where you have a C event, you drink three beers.

[794] Wait until the fucking headache you get the next day.

[795] You know, it's powdered fucking beer.

[796] That was real.

[797] How cool would that be having powder beer?

[798] It's powdered beer.

[799] I'm telling you.

[800] I ain't kid you.

[801] Yeah, this is a weird thing, this Jack Daniels thing, because apparently the old number seven is the original recipe.

[802] I don't get it.

[803] Why would they call it old number seven?

[804] It says old number seven, also known as black label.

[805] This is the original Jack Daniels.

[806] Oh, you know what it is?

[807] Because there's a bunch of different jacks.

[808] One, two, three, four, five, six different jacks.

[809] There's silver select green label, Tennessee, honey, single barrel, gentleman Jack, and old number seven.

[810] It's like six Chuck fucking Liddell's.

[811] Everybody there is tough.

[812] There ain't one weakling in that fucking circle.

[813] I don't fuck with none of those cock suckers.

[814] They'll fuck you up.

[815] Can you believe that, bro?

[816] I really have not drank Jack Daniels since the New Year's in 1980.

[817] Well, we got a big bottle in the other room boys.

[818] I had some of it this weekend.

[819] And who the fuck are you, Friday night?

[820] It's delicious.

[821] Jack Daniels and a can of Coke, you're fucking taking me for a ride.

[822] I'll tell you, Joey Diaz.

[823] I do some of my best comedy sets when I have a little Jack Daniels in my system.

[824] I'm not bullshit.

[825] I can't even smell it, I can't even fucking smell it, Doug.

[826] Vegas Friday night?

[827] I had like three shots before I went on stage.

[828] He brought the bottle back there.

[829] I seen that there was light.

[830] You motherfuckers are drinking those with Diet Coke.

[831] Listen, I could smell them in the air.

[832] That crowd, though, was so fun.

[833] Yeah, it was fun.

[834] It was so much good stuff in the air at that show.

[835] That was such a positive show, man. That was a great show.

[836] And the people that came out, listen, man, that UFSC Expo, If I wouldn't have fucked up my ankle, I would have gone and walked around.

[837] Yeah, you were going to limp it a little bit.

[838] Yeah, I'm good now.

[839] The next day I was good.

[840] Something that morning, I twisted it, something with these fucking Adidas.

[841] I don't wear the high tops no more.

[842] It's fucking hurt, but the next day I was fine.

[843] But I would have gone.

[844] What a great little thing.

[845] Yeah, it's a great little thing.

[846] You get to go with show.

[847] You get to meet.

[848] You can roll with people.

[849] You can roll with $10 ,000.

[850] You can roll with fucking Frank Mears.

[851] They have seminars.

[852] They had all sorts of shit going on at the same time.

[853] People are teaching things.

[854] Yeah.

[855] I think it's beautiful that the UFC does.

[856] When did you cut me?

[857] When you were a kid, you didn't get to play football guys.

[858] Yeah, and you never got to talk to anybody either.

[859] No, this is it.

[860] Do you do all his Q &A's with Ronda Rousey and all the team that does one?

[861] It's a great fucking.

[862] After your Q &A, did you hang and talk to people?

[863] You went to eat.

[864] As much as I could, they had a, I was doing this thing for the 20 -year reunion of, or the 20 -year anniversary of the UFC.

[865] There's a documentary they're doing.

[866] So they had to rush me up to this studio that they had set up.

[867] They interviewed me for like an hour before the way -ins.

[868] Then we had to rush back to, because I had to emcee the Wayans, and they did the Wayans.

[869] The fucking Wayans were in the arena.

[870] It was insane.

[871] The Wayans were in the Mandalay Bay Convention Center, and it was fucking gigantic.

[872] It was the Event Center, Mandalay Bay Events Center, where they usually do the UFC.

[873] So the Wayans were a monster.

[874] It was like 10 ,000 people at the Wayans, and when Anderson Silva and Wyedman got on stage, they went nuts.

[875] Like you could feel this crazy electricity in the air, you know, and there was all these Brazilians that were booing when Wyndman came out and all these people were cheering for Anderson and you hear all these accolades, you know, you hear everybody calling them the, including me, especially me, calling him the greatest fighter in the history of the sport.

[876] How long was that kiss for it, like a couple minutes?

[877] A second or two.

[878] You know, just Anderson, like, walked up to him and Wydman walked up closer to Anderson, and then Anderson walked closer to him, and then they were face -to -face, and neither one of them budge so they just touched faces and then widenman uh as they backed away wideman goes i'm not scared to you man i'm not scared to you and andersen goes tomorrow night let's see you tomorrow night he goes i'm not scared of him man he really wasn't and that was the difference on saturday night he really wasn't scared of him he knocked him the fuck out it's crazy it was crazy to watch like anderson fucked around like he normally does and like he eat more so than he normally does He humiliates guys with that.

[879] It's a real tactic, but you've got to absolutely know what your opponent can and can't do.

[880] I mean, maybe he could have gotten away with that with, like, a lesser guy or a guy who was, like, easily befuddled.

[881] But one of the things they did in Wydman's camp is they had people imitate that.

[882] They had people, like, taunt him.

[883] They had people spar with him and, like, pretend they were falling down and dropping their hands and poking their face out and jukeing them and potchotting them and shit and doing all the stuff that he.

[884] Anderson always does, because he gets you in, like a defensive shell.

[885] He gets you frozen up because he moves really fast.

[886] And one of his tactics is he will taunt you a little bit and then blast on you.

[887] He'll blast on you.

[888] And he can cover distance, like, deceptively fast.

[889] So he's really good at, like, closing the distance and cracking dudes.

[890] And sometimes he can knock him out and sometimes, like the Vitor Belfar shot, or sometimes he just lights you up, like, the first few exchanges with Chris Lieben, you know, just lit him lit him up, lit him up again, before you eventually stopped him.

[891] I mean, Anderson is a fucking tremendous talent, but that dropping of the hands, you leave yourself so vulnerable that even a tremendous talent like him can get knocked the fuck out.

[892] And that's one of the, it's like big lessons of Saturday night.

[893] The big lesson is everybody's vulnerable.

[894] Even the best guys are human beings, and a human being is vulnerable.

[895] The whole idea is to not get hit.

[896] and it doesn't matter who the human being is if their skill levels really high it doesn't prevent them from being damaged by a solid punch everybody gets fucked up by a solid shot everybody who gets kicked in the head goes to sleep you get wheel kicked in the head you go in night night it happens to everybody it happens to the best people in the world that was like a big lesson Saturday night the auditority the arena just shut the fuck up didn't it was weird because the room I was in stopped it was weird stopped yeah I'm just stopped and it was you know what it's good for everybody now now they start from scratch again this is going to be interesting now they're trying to set up the rematch for the word is online for the New Year show which is December 28th which would be madness madness Joey Diaz do you know what kind of hype and I guarantee you in a rematch Anderson Silva is going to dot his eyes and cross his teeth Is this its first knockout, though?

[897] He's never been knocked out.

[898] Yeah.

[899] You know how people usually get, though, after a knockout.

[900] Yeah, yeah, you're right, absolutely.

[901] Yeah, they become vulnerable, they become human beings.

[902] And not only that, the reality is, if you get knocked out, it's easier if you get knocked out again.

[903] And who knows what's happened in training?

[904] I mean, who knows?

[905] He's sparring with, like, really high -level guys in training on a regular basis.

[906] You know, he's sparring with Machita, with Fajiao.

[907] Like, there's a lot of those.

[908] black house guys that are fucking badass beasts you know like who knows who's tagging him in the gym especially when he's doing long hard rounds so everyone turns 38 at one point in their life and Anderson Silva's 38 so you have to think about that as well but you know what when I was growing up it was 35 Dave Winfield's 35 mm -hmm but we both discussed this look at our boy yeah it's 42 how about yeah how about um Bernard Hopkins is 48 that's got three that's what I was talking I think we're not.

[909] I think Anderson's got three more good, good, good battles left.

[910] Oh, I would...

[911] And, you know, what they are.

[912] Even more if he fights smart.

[913] Let me tell you something, man. Before he got knocked out, he was looking lightning fast.

[914] He was slamming leg kicks in.

[915] He avoided being submitted.

[916] He got back up to his feet.

[917] He got out of a heel hook and got back up to his feet.

[918] It's not like Anderson looked bad.

[919] But what he did was he does what he does, that taunting thing.

[920] I mean, when he knocks a guy out because of it, it's awesome, and it looks great.

[921] But when you get knocked out, man, it's like that Noss commercial.

[922] You know that Noss commercial?

[923] The guy does these flippy kicks and goes flying to the air.

[924] And the other guy just blast him on the chin.

[925] Just caught him and boom.

[926] There's a reason why that's in a commercial.

[927] That whole scene plays out in the commercial as like sweet justice.

[928] Like justice to the guy who taunts.

[929] And that's why the whole crowd was booing Anderson.

[930] They were booing Anderson when Anderson got knocked out.

[931] I mean, that's weird.

[932] But it's a natural reaction that they had.

[933] No one told them that they had to boo, but there was a lot of people booing.

[934] There was a tremendous amount of people booing.

[935] The best fighter in history, because he got caught.

[936] And I think that is fascinating.

[937] They felt he let them down because he got knocked out doing something stupid.

[938] And they're like, yeah, what did you do, man?

[939] Boo!

[940] Meanwhile, what happened to him, man?

[941] He just lost the title.

[942] I mean, he made an ass a load of money, but he just lost the title in devastating fashion.

[943] And people have no empathy.

[944] Like, boo, boo.

[945] People don't give a fuck.

[946] People don't give a fuck.

[947] That's one of the cold realities of life.

[948] Yeah.

[949] That's one of the cold motherfucking realities of life, dog.

[950] And once the envelope sales and the glam is gone, the part, have you seen that?

[951] Unfortunately, though, that sucks, man. That sucks.

[952] No, it does.

[953] But that's, hey, man, I saw it with my mother.

[954] I saw it with a thousand situations.

[955] But you would never do that.

[956] No, why would I?

[957] That's not my stop.

[958] If you were there in the audience and you saw Anderson go down, you imagine booing him?

[959] No, I was at home heartbroken.

[960] Yeah.

[961] I would never boo him.

[962] He's still the fuck.

[963] I know what happened.

[964] Yeah, as a fan, I'm, you know, who the fuck told you to fuck around?

[965] You know, I'm the same.

[966] I don't even like fucking around when I'm walking around.

[967] Brian, I don't even like fucking around when you're walking around.

[968] Pay fucking attention.

[969] You go to an airport and you put your shit online to people in front of you.

[970] And you're like, pay fucking attention.

[971] Yes.

[972] I don't like that shit.

[973] But, but.

[974] if you fucking do it and you pull it off, it's spectacular.

[975] Like when the answer or if you fought Forrest Griffin.

[976] Or when he fought fucking Damien Meyer.

[977] If you live by the sword, you die by the fucking sword.

[978] That's why it's called karma.

[979] Yeah.

[980] The fight before that, that's the first time I watched the fight, I didn't want to end.

[981] Even if, even if fucking Frankie would have knocked Raphael out, Oliver, I would have said, listen, let him go again.

[982] Let him go six or seven rounds.

[983] That was a great fight.

[984] Right.

[985] The fight before that was a great fight.

[986] It was a great night.

[987] It was a great night.

[988] Yeah.

[989] It was a fantastic night of fights.

[990] It was one of the most exciting nights of fights ever.

[991] Every jiu -jitsu guy is lighting a fucking candle for Roger Gracie right now.

[992] I don't know what happened there.

[993] I don't expect that.

[994] He couldn't, for whatever reason.

[995] His MMA game is nothing like his jiu -jitsu games off the chain.

[996] He should just go back to fighting in jiu -jitsu tournaments, man. It's like...

[997] There was some great fucking fights.

[998] How about Cubs Swanson?

[999] Oh, my God.

[1000] God damn.

[1001] Oh, my God.

[1002] That was insane.

[1003] That was the best that kids ever looked.

[1004] What was the movie did?

[1005] His accuracy was insane.

[1006] He tried a cartwheel kick.

[1007] No, no, no. He went to do an uppercut.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] And he went for him or he faked and he came up with an uppercut.

[1010] He did something very beautiful.

[1011] Yeah, he was doing a lot of sneaky shit like that.

[1012] He did some beautiful shit.

[1013] He's really crafty.

[1014] He's very creative and unpredictable.

[1015] He's like fakes low and kicks high.

[1016] He does a lot of weird shit.

[1017] That's on 55, brother?

[1018] No, he's 45.

[1019] He's 1 .45.

[1020] Yeah.

[1021] That adds a complete different.

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] Let's just, let's just put him up.

[1024] against the dude who wanted to fight Benson Henderson in Minneapolis and Milwaukee.

[1025] Let's do it.

[1026] That's a fight right there.

[1027] That's a hell of a fight right there.

[1028] That would be a great fight.

[1029] That's a fight right there.

[1030] Well, I would like to see a rematch with him and Aldo.

[1031] Because, you know, he fought Aldo and got caught with a flying knee, like a double knee, maybe like 10 seconds into the fight.

[1032] It was very quick.

[1033] Although jumped up and nailed him on the forehead with a flying knee.

[1034] Cut him open.

[1035] He was nasty.

[1036] I mean, he didn't even get a chance to get into the fight.

[1037] He just got caught.

[1038] And I think that he's a way better fighter now.

[1039] than he was then, I think it would be really interesting.

[1040] After watching him fight Siever, like, God damn, man, he let Seaver up.

[1041] Yeah, he lit Seaver up.

[1042] Those combinations are insane because he was so accurate.

[1043] Like, the last combination that he knocked him out with, he hit him of like three or four ridiculously accurate shots while, you know, there's a lot of chaos going on, he's scrambling after him, and he's catching him on the jaw.

[1044] That was a great fight.

[1045] It was a lot of great fights, man. A lot of great fights.

[1046] See, people didn't give Tim Kennedy enough credit for that fight.

[1047] No, Tim Kennedy even had his back.

[1048] He took him down, man. I couldn't fucking believe him.

[1049] Had his back and was slamming him in the face.

[1050] I was like, what the fuck is going on?

[1051] He's getting punched.

[1052] That's what's going on, man. Jiu -Jitsu is one thing, but Jiu -Jitsu would punches to the face by a guy who's a black belt in Jiu -Jitsu.

[1053] Changes changes the whole game.

[1054] Like, he might be better than Tim Kennedy at straight Jiu -Jitsu if they had a regular Jiu -Jitsu match.

[1055] But Kennedy's got a good enough jujitsu that he could hang.

[1056] He can defend himself.

[1057] Like, he's not scared to grapple with, like, really high -level guys.

[1058] It's any strong as shit, but Kennedy is also a boxer.

[1059] He can hit hard.

[1060] When he gets it to the ground, he's got real mixed martial arts skills.

[1061] And he gets to the ground, he'll thump you with punches.

[1062] And so the guy like, Hodger, he's not really quite a complete MMA fighter yet.

[1063] He's just this brilliant jiu -jitsu guy who's entering into MMA.

[1064] And there's guys like Kennedy out there.

[1065] As long as they're hitting you in the face, like, you're not going to submit him.

[1066] It's just a completely different ballgame.

[1067] You're all dizzy and shit.

[1068] Your face is puffy, and you can't see any of your right off.

[1069] I mean, that's the reality of getting punched in the face.

[1070] I don't like seeing it when guys are really good at Jiu -Jitsu, and I see them come to MMA and they're just getting fucked up.

[1071] It kind of bothers me because I feel like, you know, they're not ready yet.

[1072] You should have, if you're going to really enter into MMA, it has to be a long -term proposition.

[1073] And you should look at it as, like, what are your strengths?

[1074] Your strength is Jiu -Jitsu?

[1075] Okay, what's your weakness?

[1076] Your weakness is stand -up.

[1077] You've got to fix that.

[1078] You got to fix that first.

[1079] You can't even think about getting in there unless you could fight in a kickboxing match because you're going to be going right away to some of the highest level guys in the world because you're Hodrick racing.

[1080] They take a guy like that and they don't like move him along slow.

[1081] You know, he's going to fight high -level guys because of his name pretty quickly and because of his reputation in Jiu -Jitsu.

[1082] Whereas the reality of his striking is he's only been striking in a few years.

[1083] You know, you need many years on the books before you go and strike with a guy like Lioto Machita or something.

[1084] like that you just need a lot of years of the books you have to get him because he's going to light you up he's going to hit you with he's going to pot shot you and he's going to crack you and you're not going to be able to stop him and he's going to hit you three or four times like that and he's going to knock you out it's a sneaky game the striking game striking game is a different game some guys can just adapt real quick like just some dan henderson type dudes that like almost right away within a couple of years they're dangerous as fuck but some dudes just never quite get the hang of it real quick real quick I picked it up.

[1085] Instantly.

[1086] And you see it.

[1087] You see when a jih Tzu guy is a real jihitsu guy.

[1088] His striking is very slow sometimes.

[1089] Yeah.

[1090] It's saying, wow, how is he in the fucking octagon?

[1091] But maybe they know something I don't.

[1092] Maybe you went sosa.

[1093] I know something I don't know.

[1094] Yeah.

[1095] Well, I think we're dealing with a new era of mixed martial artists.

[1096] I don't think people are ever going to try.

[1097] There's that Aldo jump flying knee.

[1098] Watch this.

[1099] Bo boom.

[1100] That's like the first exchange of the fight.

[1101] double flying knees him in the face it was insane cut him cut him real bad over his eyebrow you know look at that yikes yeah i mean but that's one of those things like i said i mean anybody who gets hit by that that's a reality and we you know a lot of great guys don't get hit like that but if they did that's what would happen you know it's you can't avoid that that was a big lesson it's an important lesson Saturday night important lesson for martial artists because people like to think that because the guys really good that he can somehow or another magically take punishment better?

[1102] Not really.

[1103] It's a fucking lesson for everybody.

[1104] That's a lesson for everything in life.

[1105] And karma is a motherfucker.

[1106] You see it in a lot.

[1107] Hey, bro, you see it.

[1108] In basketball sometimes, you'll see a team that's got a reputation of fast break.

[1109] And all of a sudden, this team that nobody's talking about, they fast break through.

[1110] They go on the finals and the coaches say fast break them.

[1111] And the team that's been fast -breaking motherfuckers, they know how to execute, but they forget how to defend the fast break.

[1112] And they fucking lose.

[1113] It happens all the time in different type of sports in different situations, man. The rematch is going to be absolutely fascinating.

[1114] Yeah, that's going to be fascinating.

[1115] Let's see what's going to happen then.

[1116] The rematch with Wyman and Anderson Silva will be the greatest rematch in the history of the UFC.

[1117] No doubt about it.

[1118] And everybody's going to want to know if Wydman can do it again.

[1119] And everyone's going to want to know how is Anderson going to recover?

[1120] That's going to be fascinating as fuck, man. Woo!

[1121] That's going to be crazy.

[1122] Jesus.

[1123] I can't write out a guy like Anderson Silver.

[1124] I've been right there with you watching 17 fights and the three or two before that on YouTube, whatever, you can't write this guy off.

[1125] You cannot write him off.

[1126] However, we've seen it with a lot of the fighters.

[1127] Age takes whatever, the money, the children, you know, it's a new age.

[1128] I can't wait to see.

[1129] Today I saw a picture of this Gustafin against John Jones, the whatever.

[1130] Look at that fight.

[1131] Those are two monsters.

[1132] That's two monsters.

[1133] Yeah.

[1134] Well, you know, and one of the things about a guy like Anderson, where we're comparing him to a guy like Bernard Hopkins is 10 years older than him.

[1135] Watch how Bernard fights.

[1136] Bernard Hopkins is a brilliant defensive fighter.

[1137] Brilliant.

[1138] You very rarely see Bernard Hopkins get clipped.

[1139] You know, and when he gets clipped, his boxing is good enough that he knows how to go into a shell.

[1140] He knows how to move.

[1141] He knows how to give you angles.

[1142] And he gets away with shit.

[1143] He's got a good chin and he gets away with shit.

[1144] And one of the reasons why he's got a good chin is he hasn't taken a beating ever.

[1145] He's never taken a beat.

[1146] his entire career you know Bernard Hopkins like he kept the skills past any of the fighters of his prime like think about his fight with Roy Jones Jr like him and Roy Jones Jr they duked it out once and Roy beat him but when they duked it out a second time Bernard Hopkins basically just like boxed him boxed him up because Bernard's skills hadn't deteriorated like Roy's reflexes like Roy's skills were so reflex based he was so speed and reflex based In my opinion, he was the scariest boxer that you would ever have to compete against.

[1147] I mean, Mike Tyson was ferocious and terrifying, so I shouldn't say he was this, man, it was close.

[1148] That was actually a line in a Nas song.

[1149] This is, Welcome to the New World, the new Mike Tyson's Roy Jones.

[1150] That was because Roy Jones was just knocking everyone silly.

[1151] He didn't do it the same way that Tyson did.

[1152] He did it with just like speed and ridiculous combinations.

[1153] insane accuracy.

[1154] He could just move in a way that other dudes couldn't move.

[1155] Like, if you go back and watch, like, his highlight reels, God damn, he was amazing.

[1156] But he fought, like, this weird style with your hands down, and he didn't throw a lot of jabs.

[1157] He threw, like, a leaping left hook, but he was so fast with it.

[1158] He would just catch guys on a chin.

[1159] He would light him up with it.

[1160] He threw a lot of lead, right hands.

[1161] He had, like, a different style, and his style was based on his ability to cover ground in his accuracy.

[1162] And as soon as he could, he could, he would be able to, he started getting older and starting getting hit and slowed down that style was like a now actually a detriment and so he stopped being offensive like one of the most disheartening things about watching roy jones junior fight now is not that he's still fighting is that he's not hurting anybody like when you watch him fight he's he has to be much more defensive he's been knocked out a few times now so now it's like his boxing is almost like he's boxing he's trying to win but he's also trying to not get knocked out.

[1163] How old is he, though?

[1164] I believe he's 40.

[1165] Does he owe his money, I think.

[1166] Yeah, he wants to get into MMA.

[1167] That's why he was dead.

[1168] The word is, there was an article about some tax issues and some, you know, I would imagine that he thinks that there's some good money for him in MMA.

[1169] And even at his age, all the fights that he's been in, the toll that that takes on your body, his boxing skills are so far and above the average MMA fighter that it would be kind of interesting, especially if you get.

[1170] give a guy like Roy Jones Jr. little tiny gloves.

[1171] Think of how fast he is with regular gloves.

[1172] You know, I mean, imagine.

[1173] Give Mani Pachial little MMA gloves.

[1174] And imagine how quick he's punching you in the face.

[1175] Can you even see it coming?

[1176] I mean, how do you even stop that?

[1177] There's like four ounces on them as opposed to the, what is it, six or eight he's wearing on a regular basis?

[1178] That's a big difference, man. Those little tiny knuckle gloves, that's a big difference.

[1179] A guy like Manny Packyall got an MMA.

[1180] Just teach him how some Teach them some butterfly guard How to sprawl How to get back to your feet Just work with them on that for a couple of years And set them loose How old is Manny now?

[1181] It's a good question He's in his 30s, right?

[1182] 36 Manny Pachiao How old is Manny Opaqiao?

[1183] Yeah, don't be a dick I don't say it right Would you like me to search the web for How old is Manny Piquillo?

[1184] Pacquillo.

[1185] What the fuck?

[1186] He was born December 17th.

[1187] He's 34.

[1188] He's a young man. No, he's not.

[1189] No, he's not.

[1190] Not in the world of boxing.

[1191] The world of boxing is a different world.

[1192] There's only a few Bernard Hopkins.

[1193] As a matter of fact, he's the only one that I can even think of.

[1194] There's no one else that's managed to keep their career going that deep into their 40s.

[1195] No one in the world of boxing.

[1196] But the money is he hasn't taken a lot of beat.

[1197] Yes, he has.

[1198] Yeah, he's been in some war.

[1199] And that last knockout, that Juan Manuel Marquez knockout, that's a career changer.

[1200] That's a career changer.

[1201] Because he ran into a telephone pole right hand.

[1202] I mean, he literally ran into it.

[1203] So it was him moving forward really fast, and Marquez catching him on the button.

[1204] And they had two wars before that where they dropped each other.

[1205] So those guys have had, he's gone through those fights.

[1206] And then the fight he lost with Bradley, that wasn't a war, but it was a tough fight, you know.

[1207] but if you go back to like some of his uh his fights before then you know he had been in some crazy fights i mean even though he's still winning and looking spectacular you know there's some wild exchanges 34 yeah and you know who know i mean there was also like rampant speculation of performance enhancing substances i don't know if that's true or not you know and then there's always the question are they when when fighters do those things.

[1208] It's like, are they going to continue to do them?

[1209] How are they going to regulate it?

[1210] How do they, like when you hit like really high peaks, like performance enhancing drug peaks, the real issue is if they are doing something illegal, how are they going to maintain that level?

[1211] And will they maintain that level?

[1212] It's an artificial level.

[1213] So it's like you're going to go ups and downs.

[1214] You've got to take time off in between doing it.

[1215] You've got to make sure you catch it right.

[1216] And sometimes they don't.

[1217] And when they don't, you know, you'll see like real inconsistencies in their performance.

[1218] You see them when they look absolutely sensational, and then you see them when they're in this like lull spot in between cycles.

[1219] Who's not doing drugs?

[1220] Can you please tell me?

[1221] It's a good question.

[1222] Who's not doing drugs?

[1223] It's a good question.

[1224] I think a lot of fighters aren't doing drugs.

[1225] I know BJ Penn, I don't say I know, but I'm pretty sure.

[1226] I mean, I don't think he would lie about that.

[1227] That's part of like his whole honor with the whole fight game.

[1228] And John Fitch, I think is another one.

[1229] I don't think John Fitch has ever done anything.

[1230] I personally talked to him about it, and he said he, would never be able to live it himself if he knew that he got there because he was doing something he was using something that dude got really far with just like fucking grittiness and toughness and will you know without any enhancement to his body artificial but there's a lot of folks out there that do do it i don't know how many you wouldn't know unless you're there with them it's all speculation because some guys just have sensational genetics some guys are just they're just unbelievably robust and they heal quick and they look great and you would swear that they're on something but they're on on shit you know which is part of the weird arguments because like not everybody is born like everybody says it's an even playing field but it's not you know if you're fighting you're fighting john jones you're five foot two there's no evil even playing field oh you both weigh 205 yeah should be fine there's not as an even playing field you're crazy he has a super body you can't you don't have a chance it's not even And there's nothing you can do, by the way.

[1231] You can take all the steroids in the world.

[1232] You're never going to beat John Jones.

[1233] He's the mechanical advantage of his frame and his athleticism.

[1234] The average guy, it's never going to be able to fuck with that.

[1235] But you figure, like, every actor over 50 right now in Hollywood is shooting fucking shit.

[1236] Musicians are on the tour doing the 60 and 70.

[1237] They're shooting the shit.

[1238] Well, most of the guys, I think, use the cream.

[1239] They use, you see those cream ads, testosterone, cream.

[1240] Now, what about the spray?

[1241] A lot of, yeah.

[1242] A friend said that it's going to be huge.

[1243] Is it spray?

[1244] Yes, an oral spray.

[1245] Is it good?

[1246] Yes, that's going to be the next one.

[1247] Yes, apparently the absorption rate is even better than rubbing it on your skin, the transdermal method.

[1248] It's better when you put it in your mouth.

[1249] You spray it, like, you give yourself a shot in the morning with your, like, you know, your mouthwash.

[1250] Do your mouthwash and give yourself a shot of testosterone, and you're off on your way.

[1251] Is that cream you have to rub all over your whole entire body?

[1252] You rub it on your upper arms and shoulders.

[1253] What if you just masturbate with it?

[1254] You could masturbate with it, I guess.

[1255] Would it help anything?

[1256] Maybe.

[1257] But what if you cleaned up and you accidentally cleaned up your test cream because you thought it was just jizz?

[1258] You would waste some of your test cream.

[1259] Unless you're a dirty bastard and you just nut all of yourself and then pull your underwear over it and let it all cook.

[1260] Let it all stew inside your ball sack area.

[1261] I've been masturbating with Monastet once a week now because it keeps your levels down.

[1262] Your levels of what?

[1263] AIDS?

[1264] No. What levels do you have?

[1265] What is Monastette?

[1266] Manistat, first of all.

[1267] Does that some shit women use for yeast infections?

[1268] Yeah, absolutely.

[1269] What is wrong with you?

[1270] Because I found out that you can have, guys, have yeast infections, and that's why, like, if you have sex with a girl and she has a yeast infection, a lot of times you gave it to her because you don't have usually any symptoms.

[1271] So one of the things to get rid of that is put monostat on your dick and around your balls and around that shit, at least once a month.

[1272] He's like, every 20 minutes.

[1273] Here's the weirdest thing, Joe Rogan.

[1274] 94 was an open mic comic.

[1275] I was getting divorced and I moved to New York and I would work in the city and I was on the Coke and I had to send child support and I just couldn't make it all work so part of my angle every morning I get a suit before I went to work in the city I go to Fort Lee A &P right there by the George Washington Bridge and they'd just finish stocking the shells and I had a briefcase like a bookcase like I was a businessman going to the city and I'd put monostat in there in the cases and monostat and there was something else they liked like not the little aspirin but the big aspirins and I'd walk over the George Washington Bridge take it to a bodeg and that's all they would buy from you is yeast infection medication like that's what they tell you when you brought them shit like keep bringing it that's the most important thing up in Spanish Harlem is that Yid Monastat 7 so I would walk it over the bridge I got like 60, 70 bucks in those days I was an open mic I didn't give a fuck I was just going over there just enough to have money to get a hot dog a bag of weed and do whatever that's how crazy there what the guys would say make sure it's the Monast that bring the mind.

[1276] It isn't amazing how much people identify with their genitals because there's a thing that women hate more than, not more than anything, there's a lot, I mean, that's a massive generalization that has stopped myself.

[1277] But there's one thing that a lot of women really do not appreciate, and that's stinky pussy jokes.

[1278] You know, you could talk about your stinky feet, you can talk about a girl's stinky feet, you can talk about a girl's breath.

[1279] You can talk about a girl's butt.

[1280] You can't talk about a girl's stinky pussy.

[1281] To them?

[1282] To them, you can't.

[1283] There's a lot of people that don't like when you talk about it even on stage.

[1284] Really?

[1285] Like, yes, yes, yes.

[1286] I've seen someone do a stinky pussy joke, and then I've seen women in the audience going, oh, come on.

[1287] Just upset that you put that possibility out there.

[1288] I've never smelled a bad fucking pussy like what people talk about.

[1289] That's because he did a lot of Coke.

[1290] You know, he knows is broke.

[1291] Like, I'm going to fucking against that.

[1292] If I'll pick up a chick at a bar and she's dirty, I'll make that take a shower.

[1293] It's not going to help Oh, yes, it will It won't help us A yeast infection No, no, no, but I Oh, no, I'm lying Yes, it will I finger banged the girl In Idaho Falls, An American Indian, I figured she had those Daisy Dukes on I was doing one of those Triple One Niders And I'm all horned up though I got like $32 I got no blow I'm drinking Budweiser I'm fucking furious And I'm dancing with him And she let me touch her ass Joe Rogan And I stick my hand in Like this way Like four finger louis Oh my God A fucking twat And I had that fucking yogan on my fingers.

[1294] Look at the size of his hands.

[1295] And I was fingering it this way.

[1296] You know, Bruce Lee.

[1297] You know, I was bringing to this way.

[1298] Like Machiwara.

[1299] Like Machiwara style.

[1300] And I took it out.

[1301] Iron palm.

[1302] I was dancing with it.

[1303] And I could smell my hand.

[1304] Oh, no. And that was it.

[1305] I remember I just fucking went.

[1306] Oh, no. I got to go do something.

[1307] That's a sad moment.

[1308] And you can't get it off.

[1309] Do you know that the smell of fish is actually from old cum, usually?

[1310] So if it's a really strong fish smell, that means there's cum inside of her.

[1311] That's funny because that's what my balls always smell like if I jerk off and don't wipe up.

[1312] It smells like fish.

[1313] This is what it smells like.

[1314] It's when I realize I'm pathetic.

[1315] I used to take this girl and wipe up my own jizz.

[1316] I shoot of my pubs and pull my underwear out.

[1317] By the way, I've done that dozens of times in my life, too.

[1318] What do you do?

[1319] I just shoot a load on my pubs.

[1320] I don't even bother cleaning it up.

[1321] I just pull my underwear up.

[1322] I do that.

[1323] Especially if I'm in the house, I'm like, as long as it's covered, what do I give a fuck?

[1324] If I'm in the hotel and by myself, I'll buy one.

[1325] You're running the shorts.

[1326] I don't give a fuck.

[1327] Who cares?

[1328] I bang one on the bed and laid on it.

[1329] I don't give a fuck.

[1330] It's my own fucking.

[1331] All day.

[1332] It's all I don't know about it.

[1333] This is my little tropical helmet juice.

[1334] But that was the only time I really ever like.

[1335] I dated the chick that one.

[1336] Before I started dating her, the chick was a little proof.

[1337] This is when I was like 19, 20.

[1338] And I didn't know what to expect of a pussy.

[1339] It didn't smell like that.

[1340] She took care of it.

[1341] What happened?

[1342] No, that.

[1343] What?

[1344] She took care of it.

[1345] It was amazing.

[1346] I would sniff it and everything and never sniffed nothing.

[1347] It was delicious.

[1348] I, I knew a girl when I was young and had a problem.

[1349] Did you say something to them?

[1350] No, I did not.

[1351] I was too, I couldn't.

[1352] I mean, it was back then when, you know, when you're in your teenage years and you're fooling around, you don't know what the hell you're doing.

[1353] The last thing I do is start bringing things up.

[1354] Did you keep eating enough?

[1355] Oh, no, there was none of that.

[1356] No, there was none of that going on.

[1357] She didn't want you to do that.

[1358] She knew something was wrong.

[1359] But it was just like, it was one of those things where I bet, you know, she was a Catholic girl, and I bet her parents didn't talk to her about it.

[1360] I bet she had no idea.

[1361] And I bet she thought that's just what they smelled like.

[1362] Like, you know, and it was unfortunate, you know.

[1363] She figured it out later, though, later in life.

[1364] She called you?

[1365] No, no, no. I hooked up with her later when I was in, like, in my 20s, like, once.

[1366] And I was like, oh, it's all cleaned up now.

[1367] Imagine if it still was a mess, like, longest running yeast infection ever.

[1368] She said, no one ever talked to her.

[1369] It was just, like, always this thing that was never discussed.

[1370] Yeah.

[1371] Do you ever prejudge a woman?

[1372] Like, do you judge a woman and go, like, chick's pussy stuff?

[1373] Like sometimes I look at a woman Like I guarantee her pussy smells fucking horrible You know her ass I can look at a chicken girl I guarantee her ass smells fucking Well if you've seen a girl that's like a sloppy drunk With dirty feet You gotta imagine something going on I always go by weight usually Bigger girls have a worse smell Yeah because they could be like trying to clean their pussy For like the last five years And it was like the wrong crack Yeah but I did this Italian skinny chick That had a little wang to a monkey When I was a kid I mean A little wang to her monkey It didn't stop me from eating She was skinny A slight wang She had to be like 90 pounds, but her pussy weighed 60.

[1374] She was one of those chicks, and she was Italian, so it smelled like fucking, it was tremendous.

[1375] Like mozzarella?

[1376] By the way, dog, when you're in a cinema, down the block from that fucking Cuban joint, you turned me on there.

[1377] That Domingos ain't bad, huh?

[1378] Is it?

[1379] I've been.

[1380] Yeah, I got the meatball sandwich, I got the calamari salad there.

[1381] Where is that?

[1382] Is it like a deli?

[1383] Yeah, right up the block from fucking...

[1384] Ventura?

[1385] Yeah.

[1386] Domingos.

[1387] I went there the other day.

[1388] A lot of good restaurants on that street.

[1389] Not a good restaurants.

[1390] Bro, somebody was telling me that's inventor by my house, like studios.

[1391] That's where I invented sushi.

[1392] Is that true?

[1393] No. Fucking people are like, bro, that's what they invented sushi in shit.

[1394] They invented sushi in Japan.

[1395] I don't know.

[1396] You never know no more.

[1397] Look, let me tell you some.

[1398] You were Italian, right?

[1399] You've been Italian in all your life.

[1400] When did you eat Shabbat bread?

[1401] A year ago.

[1402] I never.

[1403] You know what I'm saying?

[1404] You never ate Shabbat bread.

[1405] I never heard of it.

[1406] There was never shabada bread.

[1407] There's shit that they invent now that, even the fucking people are going, The Mexicans Taco Bell invents more shit than Spanish people Yeah, Chalupas Chalupas Even Mexicans are like What the fuck are they talking about So you never know anymore I don't know what they invented On Van Nuys Yeah, what's what Taco Bell Doing commercials Where they have chefs Pretending that the flavor Had to be just right Like they have a shit Don't put anything online Don't get us to fame Uh Uh, no idea Images But you know that commercial I thought you were gonna throw Oh yeah The little lady With the Mexican woman Yeah yeah And she's smelling vegetables.

[1408] Like, really?

[1409] I'm going to make those Nicaragua fucking She's smelling the fucking vegetables.

[1410] Get out of here.

[1411] With those fucking radiation shit.

[1412] Yeah, and who does that also?

[1413] Domino's.

[1414] Like, have you had Domino?

[1415] Yeah, yeah.

[1416] No, no, I want to eat.

[1417] Yes.

[1418] Yeah, it's frozen pizza crust with shitty sauce.

[1419] Is Domino's frozen?

[1420] I don't think they're frozen.

[1421] I don't think anybody does that.

[1422] But, yeah.

[1423] All of Garden.

[1424] All of Garden's food is frozen.

[1425] Is it?

[1426] I think so.

[1427] Oh, come on.

[1428] I think that what the story is is that they get, like, like things, like almost like a frozen food where they just kind of follow it out on noodles, like the whole thing is frozen.

[1429] Get the fuck out of here.

[1430] You can't say that unless you know for sure.

[1431] We can get in trouble.

[1432] Allegedly.

[1433] You got to stop doing that, dude.

[1434] You're going to get people sued.

[1435] Google it.

[1436] You can't just say the Olive Garden does that.

[1437] You're the one who's always talking about the fucking Olive Garden.

[1438] Like, it's so awesome.

[1439] And now I hate you.

[1440] The truth behind their school.

[1441] Well, you read up on that and get back to us later, all right?

[1442] Read it up.

[1443] You can't be defaming a fine American institution.

[1444] Jesus Christ.

[1445] I said a legend.

[1446] How dare you?

[1447] No, but I know you're in that area.

[1448] The whole area is bum.

[1449] That fucking Versailles, I love that place.

[1450] That Cuban joint that we go to.

[1451] The chicken with the fucking beans.

[1452] Everybody says that.

[1453] Chicken with garlic, the garlic chicken with onions.

[1454] You like onions?

[1455] They're so.

[1456] Smother it with onions.

[1457] Cuban -style.

[1458] That chicken is so goddamn good.

[1459] It's the best chicken in the world.

[1460] I love that chicken.

[1461] Yeah, that Domingos is next to a baklava factory.

[1462] Okay.

[1463] You know exactly what it is.

[1464] Right in there.

[1465] And they fucking make, I mean, I've been hearing it from Steve Simone, Diagostino.

[1466] And then Diagostino brought me a half of meatball sandwich that I was going to taste this.

[1467] And I was like, yeah.

[1468] There's an episode of Anthony Bourdain's show where he goes to this spot in New York City that's been around since the 1800s with the same first.

[1469] family and they bring him over spaghetti with gravy and meatballs and so they call it gravy yeah they call gravy back then it's like old style east coast italian and you look at the spaghetti is yellow and the sauce is red and the meatball oh my god that's red lead that's red lead that's what kills you but you got to eat that at five and go for a walk red lead because it just tranquilizes you what are they putting that what are real gimmies putting that sauce let's get down to it Sausage, meat, Sausage, meat, sausage, meat, nothing healthy.

[1470] Like now, Italians, now, for the last 10 years, now real Italians, because of their heart, they eat turkey.

[1471] They put a little turkey in that motherfucker.

[1472] It tastes the same, dog.

[1473] Don't work.

[1474] Turkey, you're already written on, dog.

[1475] It tastes the same.

[1476] That shit started 10 years ago.

[1477] Yeah.

[1478] But you think about what red lead is.

[1479] They put the beef, the fucking.

[1480] Sunday sauce.

[1481] Yeah, there's nothing healthy in that.

[1482] Yeah, they always had a Sunday sauce.

[1483] And the Sunday sauce would be just all kinds of shit.

[1484] Saucers.

[1485] A meatball.

[1486] Why do you go to sleep after you eat it?

[1487] How many protein grams do you?

[1488] Your body assimilates, what, 30 grams?

[1489] I don't know.

[1490] Yeah, dirty.

[1491] You need 150 a day to build muscle.

[1492] That shit is 90.

[1493] Your body cat crashes.

[1494] Like your body crashes, though.

[1495] And the fat from the pork fat.

[1496] And the pork and the fucking bread.

[1497] That's what flavor.

[1498] The pork's the flavor.

[1499] That's the flavor.

[1500] Good for us?

[1501] Yeah.

[1502] Oh, you got to have the pork.

[1503] The pork's the flavor.

[1504] Don't put too much.

[1505] Don't put too much onions.

[1506] I put one onion.

[1507] That fucking scene makes me hungry.

[1508] That fucking scene makes me hungry.

[1509] Hungry every time.

[1510] When Polly's slicing the garlic with the razor blade.

[1511] With a manicure.

[1512] With a fucking manicure.

[1513] In jail.

[1514] What are you got?

[1515] What they got for us?

[1516] You got some bread thrown over here.

[1517] You got some wine?

[1518] I got salami.

[1519] Got some gababazzuto.

[1520] I got some prosciutto.

[1521] If that was really, I wonder if that was really how they lived in jail.

[1522] They really, really did.

[1523] You could get anything in there.

[1524] That's amazing.

[1525] I'm trying to do a special.

[1526] So I'm trying to figure out what they're doing this between.

[1527] Houston and Denver.

[1528] But if I do it in Denver, I'm going to go close to where I did time at Camp George West.

[1529] It's a little camp right by Golden Colorado, the House of Cores.

[1530] Dude, I think I'm going to do my next special in Denver.

[1531] Yeah, I think that's the place to go.

[1532] I think I'm going to do my next special at a comedy club.

[1533] Really?

[1534] Yeah.

[1535] I think I'm going to do my next one at the Comedy Works in Denver.

[1536] That's not a bad idea.

[1537] Yeah, I haven't talked to Wendy about it.

[1538] Take it back old school.

[1539] It's one of my favorite places to be.

[1540] Yeah, I like those small things too.

[1541] That's the problem.

[1542] I want a comedy club, but I heard that.

[1543] Some comedy clubs You gotta give them 20 grand When you're saying you Oh no When you're saying you would do it Near where you got arrested Like where was that?

[1544] I got arrested in Boulder So I could do the Fox Theater Boulder's great I could do a bunch of stuff Do Boulder while school's in session Are you fucking kidding me?

[1545] We could go there anytime we want You tell me you want to book a show in Boulder I'll book a show with you tomorrow in Boulder I'll book it man I love it I've been trying to kidnap my wife And bring her back there forever Boulder is the shit That's the greatest talent on Earth.

[1546] I mean, it's right up there with Alaska, that Anchorage, Alaska, but Alaska gets too cold.

[1547] Boulder gets, like, tower.

[1548] How good was the fish up there, though?

[1549] It's incredible.

[1550] Did you get any halibut?

[1551] Did you get any halibut?

[1552] No, yeah, no, I think we had some halibut.

[1553] What were the fish you would catch?

[1554] Oh, I had some crab legs.

[1555] How good were they?

[1556] Oh, amazing.

[1557] You get in them fresh.

[1558] You're getting fresh, Alaskan King crab legs.

[1559] Fuck Gelsons with their bullshit, $82 and it gets here two days later.

[1560] What's really badass about Alaska is the people, though.

[1561] The people are just top.

[1562] notch man they were so fucking cool they couldn't have been cooler it's just like one of those places you're like oh I get it when you're just there for a day you're just like oh man people are they are different up here they're different because they got to deal with an extreme climate and they all bond together you know like they were talking one of the dudes that was working they was talking about jewel you know because jewel is from Alaska and apparently something happened once where she had to cancel a show and And then when she came back, after she had canceled, there was, like, really low attendance.

[1563] Because people were disappointed her.

[1564] They don't forgive you for stuff like that.

[1565] Like, they think, like, you're a part of a community.

[1566] And if you cancel something, especially if you don't have, like, the best excuse ever, they get upset at you.

[1567] I found that fascinating.

[1568] I don't know.

[1569] They said she's normal.

[1570] They said she's like a normal person.

[1571] She's out there, just, you know, everybody knows where her house is.

[1572] Nobody fucks with her.

[1573] By the way.

[1574] It's like just normal.

[1575] Have you watched the Liberacee movie?

[1576] No. HBO I heard you were doing a bit about it on stage I didn't hear it I loved it I loved it really it's so some people it's to to for me it's to see what I seen growing up creepy old fags trying to pick up young fucking guys and doing it and how he did it Joe how he did it how he did it he had a lawyer he had his manager that would just write the people checks and you got to give him the jewelry back it was brilliant that's funny I'll tell you what he did he the Matt Damon's character he made and get plastic surgery to look like him.

[1577] Watch the fucking movie.

[1578] That's hilarious.

[1579] Watch the fucking movie.

[1580] You're going to die.

[1581] You're going to die when he gets Matt Damon and side control with his dick in his mouth.

[1582] Oh, my God.

[1583] Who's up?

[1584] Oh, my God.

[1585] He just swallows that fucking sword.

[1586] Listen to me. Watch the movie.

[1587] Is it really that good?

[1588] Just watch the movie, though.

[1589] That sounds amazing.

[1590] It's probably going to be like Brookback Mountain.

[1591] It's not like Brokeback Mountain, but it's interesting to see, you know, listen, man, we've heard some fucked up shit living in Hollywood.

[1592] Right.

[1593] A lot of stories.

[1594] Yes.

[1595] But you never heard of a motherfucker making another motherfucker do plastic surgery to look like him.

[1596] To look like him.

[1597] And then threw his ass out and gave him $75 grand.

[1598] Wow.

[1599] So I found out the Olive Garden thing.

[1600] I guess it used to be fresher.

[1601] Back in the day, they used to make noodles out in the open so everyone could see it and stuff.

[1602] But to cut costs, they've kind of cut certain things down.

[1603] It's not frozen.

[1604] But it's a lot of people were saying like always say the sauces were always frozen.

[1605] Supposedly half the shit's frozen.

[1606] Half of it's not.

[1607] But just like every other restaurant, you don't get chicken.

[1608] All chicken every day.

[1609] Listen, if you want low prices, you got to deal with that shit.

[1610] So this Liberace movie, it's called Behind the Candelabra.

[1611] Right.

[1612] And when did it come out?

[1613] It came out about two months ago, and I didn't watch it.

[1614] I didn't know what it was, and I got stuck watching it one night.

[1615] I'm like, what the fuck?

[1616] This is amazing.

[1617] He was a veterinarian, and how this guy picked him up.

[1618] And how he got rid of the guy.

[1619] He was a veterinarian?

[1620] How he got rid of the guy before him, like that he just got rid of him.

[1621] And then he had a bunch of guys, and how he would just latch on to young guys.

[1622] and touch their leg.

[1623] It was just really, you've got to just see the fucking...

[1624] Well, that's the thing with baller gay dudes.

[1625] Baller gay dudes, they get twinks.

[1626] These guys are real old school fags, bro.

[1627] He had a wig.

[1628] He had a wig.

[1629] He sucked that Matt...

[1630] He was sucking dick without his wig on the dog.

[1631] Did he take his wig off in the movie?

[1632] Oh, yeah.

[1633] The first time Matt Damon.

[1634] She goes, oh, that's the first time you saw me without a wig.

[1635] And it's fucking Michael Douglas.

[1636] Oh, my God.

[1637] Yeah, you got it just 20, 30 minutes.

[1638] That's awesome.

[1639] I'm watching that tonight.

[1640] That's my favorite new movie, and I haven't even seen it.

[1641] That might be my favorite movie, and I haven't even seen it.

[1642] You know, when I first got here in 98, the big thing was that book, you'll never work in this town again.

[1643] Remember that hooker wrote a book?

[1644] And she had Don Henley in the book and Charlie Sheen.

[1645] How rude.

[1646] Don Henley would get five hookers.

[1647] Tell them to bend over.

[1648] They weren't even allowed to pop the head open.

[1649] They were all in Downward Dog for hours.

[1650] Nobody in that group of hookers had carpal tunnel syndrome.

[1651] Do you understand me?

[1652] Right.

[1653] He would make five hookers come over, put him in the downward.

[1654] I'm not trying to be cute.

[1655] He'd do coke and walk around with a robe and put his dick in him, pump him twice, take it out, walk over to the other hooker, pump it twice, and look at him and go put on Hotel California and sit down.

[1656] Do two more lines of Coke.

[1657] Leave it up in the hotel, California.

[1658] That was before Viagra, too.

[1659] This is before Viagra, and this is, but now it was like, but he asked him.

[1660] He asked him Liberace.

[1661] He's like, how do you do it?

[1662] How do you?

[1663] how do you fucking do it how did you fuck me four times today so there's shit in there too you can see Liberace does the poppers and Matt Damien won't sniff the poppers so wow this sounds like the best movie ever now how does poppers make you get your dick hard I thought Poppers was like a relaxing I'm not a popper type of guy but in the gay community I guess when you're fucking another guy in the muffler you hit him with a popper and it keeps his dick card I don't know I thought it was don't quote me I was never into popper what's the way they call it?

[1664] What's the little fucking thing?

[1665] Email nitrates.

[1666] But what are they, what's the, there's a brand?

[1667] Locker room?

[1668] What is it?

[1669] Is there a brand?

[1670] There's a brand of Popper?

[1671] Yeah, no, I've never taken, I don't even know what a Popper is.

[1672] Brian's got one of his butt right now.

[1673] Brian's got him in his fucking house.

[1674] That's his middle name in Columbus.

[1675] Papa.

[1676] The fuck are you kidding?

[1677] This motherfucker was making sixth grader sniff that shit.

[1678] It's Popper Speed?

[1679] No, it's this joint, it's this drink.

[1680] And what happened was, what time at the Miami Improv had a had a condo across the street from it.

[1681] The old Miami Improv, and it belonged to one of the owners.

[1682] It was where he put his mistresses and shit is bitted it.

[1683] But after he bought the club, he donated to the club, and I had the bed in the wall.

[1684] I must have fucked 80 women in there.

[1685] I used to tie them up up there.

[1686] I would tie them up and put coke rocks in their pussy and shit.

[1687] And they would all wake up, tied up like Jesus and shit.

[1688] And if you get that bed, you can still see like eight ropes.

[1689] I always had to get new rope to tie them up.

[1690] But one time, I wasn't there.

[1691] And they called me and they're like, where are you?

[1692] And I'm like, I'm in LA.

[1693] What's going on?

[1694] They're like, were you at the condo two weeks ago?

[1695] And I'm like, no. And they're like, because whoever was there left a mess and they left a thousand poppers.

[1696] Oh, no. I was like the type of mother.

[1697] I snort Coke, dog.

[1698] Don't confuse me with doing fucking poppers.

[1699] And it was a little thing like this.

[1700] And you opened it and it had locker in it.

[1701] It said, it was like rock locker room or something.

[1702] That's what it was called?

[1703] And you would sniff it and they'd get you like high for 60 seconds.

[1704] Get the fuck out of you.

[1705] That shit's supposed to give you like instant brain damage too.

[1706] It's supposed to also give you a. I don't know that was what Duesberg was claiming that that was a part of you know I shouldn't even that that was the most controversial podcast we ever did the AIDS podcast we had this guy Peter Duesberg and Duesberg is a he's a professor at the University of California Berkeley he's a biologist and he was the one that said that HIV doesn't cause AIDS so we had this guy on and tried to have him explain it to us of course we're idiots so we don't know if what he's saying is right or wrong He might be completely full of shit.

[1707] He might be making shit up.

[1708] We, you know, Brian and I have no idea.

[1709] And so I said, well, let me get Matt Staggs to see if he can get someone to debate him.

[1710] Nobody would debate the dude.

[1711] Everybody was telling me I was an asshole for having him on because, okay, I don't know.

[1712] Are you sure that he's not right?

[1713] He's a goddamn biologist of the University of California, Berkeley, published biologist who has all this, like, peer -reviewed research on cancer that everybody respects.

[1714] And he's saying crazy shit, like HIV doesn't cause AIDS.

[1715] The problem is, I'm an idiot.

[1716] Okay, so when I go online and I try to read the arguments, like whether or not it does or doesn't, it seems to me that if more people are saying it does, then I would go with them.

[1717] Because they're scientists, right?

[1718] There's a few of these rogue guys like him that say it's just they're taking amino nitrate and they're taking crystal meth and they're just crushing their immune system.

[1719] And that's why these guys are all getting sick.

[1720] And it's not HIV killing them.

[1721] It's a party and it's killing.

[1722] But then people say, oh, he's a homopopopop for saying this and it's a terrible thing he's doing.

[1723] and it's an injustice and blood is on his hands and people are still dying of AIDS.

[1724] So he's saying that people are getting HIV because they don't take care of themselves.

[1725] Exactly.

[1726] Exactly.

[1727] Here's what a proper bottle looks like.

[1728] So if anybody hears this and you know...

[1729] Oh, that's legal?

[1730] Iraqi horse.

[1731] Yeah, you can just buy them in the stores.

[1732] For what?

[1733] What's the use for?

[1734] What are you supposed to use it for?

[1735] Oh, my God.

[1736] Wholesale gay poppers.

[1737] That's legal?

[1738] Yeah.

[1739] Hold on, son.

[1740] Go back.

[1741] Listen, I don't think you...

[1742] Joe's dropping knowledge on you motherfuckers to that.

[1743] Don't promote these, because these are probably killing people.

[1744] But if anybody knows anybody that's a biologist, he wants a date, or date?

[1745] What's the fuck, Peter Dewsberg?

[1746] Show him some aides.

[1747] No, debate, my apologies, Mr. Dewsberg, sir.

[1748] It's just a joke.

[1749] I'm a comedian.

[1750] If there was any other show, you'd probably really be mad at me right now.

[1751] But those jokes happened often.

[1752] I wanted someone to debate him, but nobody wanted to have any pieces of shit.

[1753] Because he was too intelligent or because?

[1754] No. it's like a Holocaust denier.

[1755] Like if you debate a Holocaust denier, you're actually like giving them some form of credit.

[1756] You're like by even debating them, especially if like a legit historian sits down with a Holocaust denier.

[1757] Like it's such a preposterous idea that even to be connected with it is somehow or another promoting it.

[1758] And so it's so distasteful that nobody wants to talk to a Holocaust denier.

[1759] It's a, you know, it's, you don't even give them the time of day.

[1760] A Holocaust denier.

[1761] Yes.

[1762] Okay.

[1763] A denier.

[1764] Someone who says the Holocaust didn't happen.

[1765] There's a lot of people like that out there by the way there's a lot of crazy fucks that think that the concentration camps and I'm going to get some tweets now what you need to know is that they exaggerated the numbers and what I need to know is why are you concentrating on that why are you even trying to doubt that aspect of history I mean if you ever watch those videos or you see those poor fucking people being led to the concentration camps there's no doubt horrific shit went on you know that you trying to reduce the numbers It's actually $4 million, not six.

[1766] It's a horrible time in history.

[1767] Disgusting.

[1768] You know what's really fucked up about the Holocaust?

[1769] It was so recent.

[1770] You know, when I was a little kid, I remember I was born in 1967.

[1771] And when I was a little kid, I remember that we were, like, talking about World War II.

[1772] And we were talking about World War II in the Holocaust, and it seemed so long ago.

[1773] because it was, you know, at the time, maybe like 30 years ago, it was like 1977 or something like that when I was 10.

[1774] And it seems like a million years ago.

[1775] But now when I think back of 30 years ago, like 1977 is like basically 30 years ago, that shit is so recent.

[1776] It's so goddamn recent.

[1777] Like I can remember 1977.

[1778] I don't remember a lot of things.

[1779] I remember my mother had a gold barracuda.

[1780] You know, I remember we lived in San Francisco.

[1781] I remember some shit.

[1782] I remember some shit from from 1977.

[1783] So that freaks me out that that recently people could have done that.

[1784] That that recently people could have just decided that all Jews are evil and we're going to kill them all.

[1785] You know, how many people did Stalin kill?

[1786] You know, how many people did Hitler kill?

[1787] Just 47.

[1788] You ever see Hitler's artwork?

[1789] No. It's amazing.

[1790] He was a really talented artist.

[1791] Like, he could have totally just been a famous artist.

[1792] First of all, how dare you?

[1793] You're never supposed to give credit at all to Hitler.

[1794] Like, someone in the UFC Q &A said, if you could fight anyone in history, who'd have been, I said, Hitler.

[1795] So I'll fuck Hitler up.

[1796] I kick this shit out of Hitler.

[1797] That's a, I'll bet the house that I'm going to win.

[1798] Come on, man. They didn't even have vitamins back then.

[1799] Who fuck that dude up with a stupid mustache?

[1800] Look at that.

[1801] It's pretty sweet, though.

[1802] I mean, he was a pretty good artist.

[1803] That is kind of amazing.

[1804] So Hitler was a good artist.

[1805] Yeah.

[1806] Well, you know what I saw?

[1807] Kavorkian.

[1808] We've shown those on the podcast before, remember?

[1809] Kavorkian was a freaky artist.

[1810] Did he die yet?

[1811] I do not know.

[1812] I think he did.

[1813] Remember for years you had about him.

[1814] Maybe you had a fucking week, now you don't hear nothing.

[1815] They put him in jail when he was an old man, you know.

[1816] The whole thing's kind of crazy.

[1817] You should be able to, you know, should be able to die when you want to die, man. Especially if you're in fucking serious pain.

[1818] Like, why shouldn't he be able to die?

[1819] There's a new Hitler's chicken.

[1820] Have you heard about that?

[1821] Hitler's chicken.

[1822] Yeah, it's in Thailand that just opened up, and their KFC is going to assume because it was an old KFC, and they actually...

[1823] Oh, my God.

[1824] Hitler fried chicken in Thailand?

[1825] Oh, my God.

[1826] It's KFC, and they just put Hitler's face on it?

[1827] Oh, my God.

[1828] That's so crazy.

[1829] Why can't you do that, though?

[1830] Has enough time passed?

[1831] I bet you could sell Genghis Khan French fries.

[1832] I bet if he had Genghis Khan's fries.

[1833] I think it's because...

[1834] Nobody would fuck with it.

[1835] Yeah, but I think it's because ovens are involved, you know, and, you know, the ovens.

[1836] I didn't think of that.

[1837] How do you know they're not frying them?

[1838] Oh, that's true.

[1839] Yeah, they use, like, deep frying techniques.

[1840] Who doesn't...

[1841] Who gives a fuck?

[1842] It's chicken.

[1843] It's not a fucking human.

[1844] It's just...

[1845] It's not long enough ago.

[1846] But you could have Genghis Khan French fries.

[1847] You could have...

[1848] How about Caesar?

[1849] Little Caesar.

[1850] How about that?

[1851] Caesar was an evil cunt.

[1852] They were all evil cunts.

[1853] They were all responsible for the death of millions.

[1854] Now they're a cute little cartoon.

[1855] that's holding up a pizza.

[1856] Fucking Little Caesar.

[1857] You ever think of that?

[1858] Think of Little Caesar.

[1859] Caesar was, there's never been a Caesar.

[1860] Julius Caesar, never been a Caesar, didn't have blood in his hands.

[1861] Romans were crazy.

[1862] They were fucking savages.

[1863] By the time the fall of the Roman Empire was going on, how many those Caesars didn't have, like, a few deaths on their hands?

[1864] Quite a few.

[1865] What's up with that?

[1866] Is that the Hitler chicken?

[1867] That's a fucking crazy.

[1868] Yeah.

[1869] Well, Hitler didn't walk like that.

[1870] Nazi chicken, right?

[1871] Now, what is to say that shit?

[1872] Just to go back to that fucking bottle you had, what does it does to you?

[1873] The gay poppers.

[1874] Joe, he's still fascinated.

[1875] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1876] It's never left.

[1877] He's been pretending to care about Hitler.

[1878] I don't give a fuck about Hitler.

[1879] Fuck that motherfucker.

[1880] I'm thinking about getting that fucking guy.

[1881] Listen, I'm done with Coke, but poppers are not out of the question.

[1882] No, no, no, no. I talk to my doctor.

[1883] Poppers are good for my heart.

[1884] That's why they sell them in the black market.

[1885] Turns out Joe Rogan, gay dudes have a 10 % healthier heart because of poppers.

[1886] So tell dudes Berg, you can shove it up your ass.

[1887] The effects are, like, brief but intense.

[1888] The effects are a sudden surge of blood to the heart and the brain.

[1889] So, like, if you wanted to, if you wanted to answer a really important question, take some paupers.

[1890] If you want to answer a really important question.

[1891] Will you marry me?

[1892] Hold on the ass.

[1893] Let's say.

[1894] Or if you're on a game show?

[1895] How long would you say the effects?

[1896] Imagine you have a game show that you throw a pauper in your mouth?

[1897] Brian, you would give the worst advice ever.

[1898] Imagine some poor foolies in front of Drew Carey's, try to guess the price is right.

[1899] And you're like, Brian Red Bandstache, do a popper right now.

[1900] It says that it's time slowing down.

[1901] It feels like it's time slowing down.

[1902] So it also is a heat flush sometimes, lightheadedness, giddiness.

[1903] Someone's doing that on TV now, man. It lasts two to five minutes.

[1904] and someone's going to do that on TV.

[1905] Oh, by the way, speaking of drugs, you see the fucking Michael Jackson shit that was going on with this trial.

[1906] No. They ain't given this motherfucker of money, though.

[1907] Who?

[1908] The worst thing they could have done with this trial was really open up the world to what this guy really was.

[1909] Did you see yesterday's article?

[1910] No, I haven't been following it at all.

[1911] Because it attracts on his ass.

[1912] Oh, no. Like the skin was too damaged.

[1913] From just shooting himself in the ass?

[1914] Oh, my God.

[1915] Oh, God.

[1916] this guy was fucking out there and somebody a doctor that I go to see said to me he goes these people don't know what can of worms they're going to open up by doing this this guy had skeletons in the closet that go back 30 fucking years since off the wall well any guy who's like doing that much to his face like the craziness that he was doing like that famous picture of him where he had his nose like have like there was like there was like a skin graft over his nose.

[1917] I think he was in court, right?

[1918] You remember that picture, Brian?

[1919] Yeah.

[1920] Pull that picture up.

[1921] See if you could find that picture.

[1922] There's a picture of Michael Jackson's nose.

[1923] Yeah, that's the old Michael Jackson that we used to love.

[1924] That's him drinking whiskey or vodka?

[1925] vodka with two midgets.

[1926] Oh, my God.

[1927] Is that real?

[1928] Yeah, I think so.

[1929] You don't even know that that's real.

[1930] That's a goddamn sketch from the Man Show.

[1931] Drunk hipster, Michael Jackson.

[1932] No, dude, that's a guy doing, that was a Halloween costume.

[1933] This is a real Michael, Jackson, two dubs and a pair of underwear.

[1934] But go see if you can find the photo of his nose because it's one of the weirdest things ever.

[1935] And I remember seeing that saying this is a strange exercise and culture that we're seeing in Michael Jackson.

[1936] Oh God.

[1937] It just pulled it up in a freaking...

[1938] Yeah, because for every human being you know, these are strange times.

[1939] Like he's, that's a skin graft over his nose or something.

[1940] Maybe it's tape.

[1941] It looks like the poster from Silence of the Lambs.

[1942] Is that a tape over?

[1943] his nose, it's hard to tell what that is.

[1944] Is it a bandage?

[1945] It looks just like skin.

[1946] It's hard to tell if that's skin or some kind of...

[1947] Owl face.

[1948] Adhesive or something like that, but he...

[1949] I remember looking at that image and saying, and, wow, what is this guy done?

[1950] Like, what is this guy?

[1951] And then I remember thinking, what must the pressure be like when you're that guy?

[1952] What must reality be like if you start off as a child, like super famous and loved by millions?

[1953] You know You remember A, B, C Get sample That's one, two, three I mean, he was Huge way, way, way, way, way, way back Before anybody knew how to handle it And he was huge as a baby Bro, and watch what this Justin Bieber Come on to me This Justin Bieber is going to make Michael Jackson Look like a fucking puppet dog You think so?

[1954] He's gonna be black in like seven years He seems fine right now He works out When his skin gets darker He's trying to get some pussy Why are you hating on Justin?

[1955] I hate it on him I'm just telling you what I see You can't do 90 fucking miles an hour And a collar bosses around white people I see a dude with a chrome car Getting his dick sucked on the red I see it fucking too I see someone's hating Do you see him his car around here ever?

[1956] No I'm not seen it He apparently has a leopard print car now One of those Audi R10s or something like that R8s R10s whatever is And it's got leopard print Listen he didn't get trouble with the laugh at you What happened is the laugh at you?

[1957] Oh I forget.

[1958] He's buying somebody's car to laugh.

[1959] He hit a paparazzi.

[1960] That's what he was.

[1961] Well, someone died on the Pacific Coast Highway because they were trying to take a picture of him.

[1962] A paparazzi's run across the street and got clipped.

[1963] He died while...

[1964] Look at that.

[1965] Look at his Audi.

[1966] Leopard print.

[1967] That is so silly.

[1968] That's sexy as fuck.

[1969] That's so silly.

[1970] It's so silly that he would do that.

[1971] What an ugly look to that car.

[1972] That's the most badass car.

[1973] Like, that's Everlast is one of those.

[1974] It's such a wicked -looking car.

[1975] to cover that thing with a leopard print.

[1976] But that's like, that's the silliest I can do whatever the fuck I want move ever, you know?

[1977] He had a karma fiscler that was chrome.

[1978] Did you ever see that thing?

[1979] That's just preposterous.

[1980] How dare you?

[1981] How dare you, young man?

[1982] Running around a chrome car.

[1983] Tanya, 10 years from night he's going to be on heroin, fucking transporting Mexican fucking people doing a bunch of shit with a helicopter.

[1984] He's a good kid.

[1985] Maybe he's going to do some yoga.

[1986] Yeah, yeah, I met him of a UFC.

[1987] He's going to seem very friendly.

[1988] Seem pretty down the earth, considering who the fuck is.

[1989] Just think of how crazy you would be if you were Just a Beaver.

[1990] Oh, my God.

[1991] Think of what you would have done.

[1992] If you would become Just a Beaver when you were 15 or whatever he is.

[1993] 20 years old with $50 million.

[1994] Oh, my God.

[1995] What are you asking?

[1996] You go crazy.

[1997] What are you going to do?

[1998] The world is your oyster.

[1999] You think somebody comes to you and says, put your money away.

[2000] You're going to listen to that person.

[2001] You're going to go, fuck you.

[2002] Find the face.

[2003] Bro, can you know, Matt, you go to a standard.

[2004] fucking just buy waitresses.

[2005] Like, Doug, how much for you?

[2006] You'd be like that prince or the king on the Game of Thrones.

[2007] That's what you'd be like, be evil.

[2008] You know, the amount of power, like, that's not the amount of power that a person should ever attain.

[2009] And it's incredibly rare that a person ever does attain that type of wealth.

[2010] Like, you got Justin Bieber type wealth?

[2011] And the fact that he's getting him when he's seven, am I boring you?

[2012] The fuck's going on there.

[2013] The fact that he gets it when he's 17 or whatever hell he is.

[2014] How old was he when he got super famous?

[2015] Was, like, 17?

[2016] Some, like...

[2017] Younger, 15, 15?

[2018] What is he now?

[2019] Like, 19?

[2020] Something like, he's like a young man now.

[2021] We have this game that we play that was like, could you beat up so and so, so and so?

[2022] And we like, say it to like, you know, and I said, I could beat up Bieber.

[2023] Because not really thinking, I was like, yeah, he's a little kid.

[2024] I got old man fat strength.

[2025] I could just sit on him or something like that.

[2026] But then I saw him like with like his shirt off the other day on like some website and it's like, holy shit, that dude could probably destroy me. He's fucking ripped.

[2027] He's a little boy.

[2028] now fuck you up plus i think he's like a blue belt or something do you think he could beat you up uh diaz absolutely that's funny is he a blue belt jih Tzu somebody told me that you know you know who is too michael jackson's son he just got his blue belt really yeah gracey torrents i'm pretty sure so it's legit blue belt fucking ustream man you stream keeps lagging out i don't know why you stream keeps sucking it lately we got to figure out what's going on with this but people are complaining like not Yeah, they complain in the mornings, too, shit's going on.

[2029] Too many commercial this and this.

[2030] Well, that's not the problem we're having.

[2031] We're just having a problem with it cutting out like crazy.

[2032] But is it come...

[2033] What's that?

[2034] The app is good.

[2035] It's working.

[2036] But is it when we upload it to Vimeo?

[2037] It's fine.

[2038] It's fine.

[2039] Okay, so watch the Vimeo.

[2040] Don't pay attention to us.

[2041] Why are you watching us right now anyway?

[2042] And the fact that it works on the iPad fine just goes to believe that it is more, again, a flash plug -in problem.

[2043] Hmm, that's interesting So maybe I should try it on another browser All right, let me try on another browser I'm going to shut this bitch off And I'm going to try it Were you on Chrome right there?

[2044] Yeah, I'm going to try it on Safari Where are you at this weekend, Joe Diaz?

[2045] Got a couple things this weekend, couple spots Nothing too fucking serious Next week I go to Philadelphia Yeah I go to fucking helium Thursday, Friday and Saturday and Saturday and Saturday You're ready to rock again Okay, well like we were talking about like great clubs You don't get any better than that It doesn't get in better than that.

[2046] And helium open one in Buffalo.

[2047] I had to change that date.

[2048] And I'm doing Portland in September also, so I'm pretty excited.

[2049] Oh, you're doing helium in Portland as well?

[2050] Oh, sweet baby, Jesus.

[2051] I'm pretty excited for Philly though.

[2052] Heliums are the bomb, dude.

[2053] What am I, 12?

[2054] The bomb, bro.

[2055] And they're going to open another one, I think.

[2056] And St. Louis.

[2057] I put it on Safari immediately.

[2058] It lags out.

[2059] Really?

[2060] Immediately.

[2061] Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

[2062] You stream.

[2063] How's Paris Jackson?

[2064] He looked like he's like 17 or something like that.

[2065] I mean, the girl.

[2066] I think she's like She's in her teens I think I'm not sure I feel bad about her I feel bad about all of them man I mean what a strange way to live your life To grow up that famous You know what are you doing with that Joey Are you reading your phone No no I'm sending back on email this Send it back in email This is a bad shirt here you know what You just lost us He left us and he started emailing people That's not how Joey Diaz is He ate a candy I don't know if anybody noticed this You heard some chewing While the show was going on About an hour ago He ate a candy And it's clearly kicked in No it hasn't kicked in You are You have disassociated From this conversation This motherfucker won't kick Until later on You know So this weekend is Philly Next week Next weekend is Philly Who you're working with So low And the weekend After that I'm with my man Domarera up at the ice house Yeah I saw that You guys are co -headline A weekend That's beautiful That's a great idea.

[2067] Yeah, that's what a great fucking show.

[2068] I hope I go to a laugh at a Tuesday, do the podcast for them.

[2069] It's always good to see Dom to learn how to be a fucking comic again.

[2070] You know, you work with Dom, you're like, that motherfucker does it all.

[2071] He's a real monologist.

[2072] That's a different type of savage there.

[2073] Well, you know what?

[2074] All the time I've known, Dom Arara, he's never faltered.

[2075] Like, he's always loved being a comic.

[2076] And that's, you know, someone was talking about it.

[2077] I think it was Bill Burr saying he really loves the fact that, like, Dom has been in it.

[2078] He was in it.

[2079] He was like a veteran.

[2080] and when we all started, and yet he still has, like, a lot of love for it.

[2081] Some guys, they fade off.

[2082] They get older, and they're just not funny anymore.

[2083] Don hasn't lost a step.

[2084] He's hilarious.

[2085] No, he hasn't.

[2086] He's fucking hilarious, man. I watched him do stand -up, like, before he did that, you know, he does the talk portion of it.

[2087] Right, right, yeah.

[2088] His stand -up is still.

[2089] I wonder if he's on tonight.

[2090] I was down there last.

[2091] I did a spot down there last night.

[2092] And then on the way up, I had to follow Paul Rodriguez at the Laugh Factory.

[2093] How was that?

[2094] The laugh, there was sturdy people.

[2095] Wow.

[2096] But it was okay.

[2097] Okay, you know, I did great.

[2098] Why was it only 30 people?

[2099] Monday night.

[2100] What?

[2101] And then fucking, I went up to the ha -ha, and I seen Damon for a little one in front of 12 people.

[2102] I want Damon Wayans.

[2103] He's making a comeback.

[2104] He's going to go on tour.

[2105] 12 people.

[2106] 12 people.

[2107] He always liked doing that, though.

[2108] He loved it.

[2109] Damon is so old school.

[2110] Yeah.

[2111] He'd show up at 12 .30 at night with Keenan or somebody, and he's always, uh...

[2112] And he'll, you know what I love about Damon?

[2113] I used to love watching Damon work shit out.

[2114] Because he'll, like, really work something out.

[2115] Like, he'll have an idea on stage.

[2116] It's just like a couple of words or a couple of, not a couple words, but a couple of concepts.

[2117] You know, and he'll, like, take him and just run with him.

[2118] And because he's got to make all these people laugh, like the pressure of that will lead him, because he's a great writer, leads him to the best lines all the time.

[2119] I used to watch him work shit out on stage.

[2120] Like, he would write, right, but he would also work shit out on stage.

[2121] Whereas, like, Mooney did a lot of writing.

[2122] Like, Mooney would come in there and, like, something would happen.

[2123] Like you remember then that airplane crashed in Florida And it crashed in the swamp And Mooney did a bit about old black ladies Still clutching their purse Remember that?

[2124] They pull them out of the crocodile They're still clutching their purse Like he had that like written Like within a couple of days of the plane crash And it was a written bit You know So he would like Capitalize He would always have a lot of new shit But it would be like a written bit Whereas you could see Damon was like Working it out while he was up there He would have an idea and he would just flush it out while I was up there And so when it would hit him, like the punchline would hit him He would start cracking up Like legit not like that fake cracking up shit that bad comedians do It's gross right When you see people fake laughing And you know bitch you laugh the exact same way Every night when you tell that joke That's a fake laugh You know that fake laugh It's gross But Damon would like every now and then he'd like really make himself laugh You know I've watched him do those late night sets of the store A bunch of times You know, it's funny the other morning I was watching TV.

[2125] I got up and Bruce Leach's Change the World was on.

[2126] Eddie Griffin came on.

[2127] I got to tell you, a big smile came on my face.

[2128] Yeah.

[2129] Before I walked in here, Brian and I were talking about the comedy story.

[2130] He's telling me how the crew that hangs out there and how it's changed and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[2131] And, you know, he's enthusiastic about it.

[2132] What Brian doesn't understand is I already went to fucking college there.

[2133] Do you know what I'm saying?

[2134] We did our fucking time.

[2135] It's not even about you or Carlos' name.

[2136] I don't give a fuck.

[2137] for me I did my fucking time I did my eight years of spots and Sundays and following dice when you got when you got you know you know what it's like to have two other sets and you go to do your set and fucking dice is going up as you pull up you're like oh this is going to be great and awesome they're like dice is going up like when now as I was talking to you I could still see us sitting by the back and Mooney how he would walk up to the checkup box I'm here give him the light you know and just all those little things that was my college yeah that was my college bro you don't go back to high school you don't go back college, you feel like a fucking moron.

[2138] And that's what it was.

[2139] The comedy store for me was law school.

[2140] It was six fucking years of hard fucking work, of snorting blow, of fucking eating pills, eating pussy, avoiding women, you know, lying the bitches, you know, trying to get a manager, trying to go up there and fucking get a couple drinks on a rock of Coke.

[2141] It was an adventure.

[2142] You know, he was saying that, Roppa, that Bavit were in there.

[2143] I remember the night that was so coped up.

[2144] He's still there.

[2145] Last night was amazing.

[2146] I remember the night we're going to light him on fire.

[2147] They had them locked in the bathroom.

[2148] People were throwing paper towels and they're on fire.

[2149] You know, I mean, this is...

[2150] That's fucked up, man. I mean, it's just...

[2151] It's just...

[2152] I still remember Corey Cuomo calling me and going, did you threaten him?

[2153] I'm going, Corey, I'm in Miami.

[2154] I've been here for three weeks.

[2155] That's how fucking crazy he is, okay?

[2156] That's how fucking crazy Robert Epivaya is.

[2157] Like, I avoided him after that, where he accused me at doing something, and I was out of town.

[2158] The best has had him in it, Don Barris.

[2159] They still...

[2160] They're still...

[2161] That's so...

[2162] crazy.

[2163] That's been going on for decades.

[2164] The Chinese guy.

[2165] Don't you do this to Robert Epivai?

[2166] No, no. He does that.

[2167] I say, indicate Nazis.

[2168] Nazis, right?

[2169] That's a finger, the Hitler mustache finger.

[2170] Don was on stage last night, and he just runs in.

[2171] Room there was maybe like 30, 40 people in the room and just goes, Nazi!

[2172] He's a Nazi on stage!

[2173] And so like all the managers have to like get Robert out of there using lasers and paper towels.

[2174] Right, but Robert is still like an institution.

[2175] Indians he's an institution Like he's a part of the store Yeah absolutely And he still goes up every night I say hide him every night I'm nice to him I never do anything I'm always the nice guy But everyone all the other guys Always you know Fucking throw menus at him Me and him And have always been cool I've always been really nice to that guy I never had a beef with him Until he accused me of Threatening him when I was out of town I didn't understand that I was sitting on the stairs He's crazy I was sitting on the stairs And I was sitting on the stairs night They were throwing paper towels And lighting him on fire And he's in there like Oh what's the smell It's fucking fire.

[2176] Run out of there, you fucking.

[2177] Well, it was really dangerous with him because you remember, especially in the winter, he would insulate himself with plastic bags.

[2178] Yeah, he still does that, I think.

[2179] He had these plastic bags that were stuff inside of his clothes to keep them warm because he would walk home.

[2180] And he would be in downtown.

[2181] So he'd walked to downtown.

[2182] Like, when he would leave the comedy store, he would walk like five miles.

[2183] That was no joke.

[2184] Like, he did that all the time.

[2185] He still does that, and he goes to the grocery store after every show every night he gets the exact same thing like a banana and like a sandwich and Don Barris does the exact same thing he follows him and just videotates him that's so fucked up man what you know that's one of those things that the store had was those long running gags like do you remember when Brian Callan still does it with Don Barris every time Brian Callan and Don Barris sees each other he pretends that Brian Brian pretends that Don Barris is forcing him to suck his cock and so he fights it off for a while and they're like put on a show and then finally like Brian Cal will put his lips right on Barris's cock and be like woo -woo and and Barris would be hump in his face it's so fucking and they go for it it's so uncomfortable to watch this is a new who is that this is Robert from two nights ago and there's a girl on stage with no clothes on yeah she never wears like underwear she always brags about fucking Ron Jeremy Hey should you tell this on stage Oh, yeah.

[2186] Yeah, it's totally fine.

[2187] Okay.

[2188] But she's been, like, just going on stage and, like, showing her vagina to him and stuff like that.

[2189] She shows it to Robert?

[2190] Yeah, and it's getting him real nervous.

[2191] By the way, how durable is that jacket and pants?

[2192] I know.

[2193] It's the same one.

[2194] The jacket and pants is 100 years old.

[2195] This motherfucker's been wearing that same jacket and pants every day for a long time.

[2196] Those are some strong threads.

[2197] Yeah.

[2198] I think he might have a few of them, though.

[2199] So this girl, she goes on stage all the time?

[2200] Yeah, like all the girls, this is from last.

[2201] night you know there's mary jane and uh eleanor and stuff like that and eleanor is there oh yeah she's there every night is she really yeah and but but it's cool because all these girls are on like the ding -dong show and stuff like that but it's it's a fun time eleanor is very funny man she's a very funny stand -up now it's interesting we always kind of knew she was a funny person when she was uh working at the store are these all stand -ups these girls yeah uh that's a schizophrenic surfer he's got schizophrenic he's schizophrenic and he i used to do open Mike's with him in West Hall or in a ha -ha cafe.

[2202] Why are you talking about the boy when I'm asking about the girls?

[2203] How dare you?

[2204] There's all these girls in their underwear and he's like, yeah, that guy serves.

[2205] There's Mary Jane, there's Don's girlfriend.

[2206] So these girls are all stand -up comedians?

[2207] So is there like a community down there of girls' stand -ups?

[2208] Oh, yeah.

[2209] And what's cruel is that me and Tony Hinchcliffe's podcast have two girls' stand -ups that started on the show and they've never done stand -up comedy before and every week we give them one minute.

[2210] And they'd like...

[2211] That's awesome.

[2212] Yeah.

[2213] Yeah, stand -up comedy, it needs more chicks.

[2214] It's not enough funny chicks in this world.

[2215] I don't know.

[2216] When things are going bad like they are now, that's when more funny ones will arise.

[2217] There's more funny crazy bitches that are working some office shop somewhere.

[2218] Jerry Lewis did?

[2219] Jerry Lewis did?

[2220] Yeah, well, he says a time.

[2221] Did he?

[2222] He doesn't think women are funny, right?

[2223] Not at all.

[2224] I can't stand them talking to me. I don't think they're funny.

[2225] I laugh.

[2226] There's plenty of funny women.

[2227] That's a silly thing to say.

[2228] This is funny people.

[2229] If someone's funny, they're funny.

[2230] The idea that you would say that they're not funny Because they're a chick Tell me Morgan Murphy's not funny That bitch is hilarious She's hilarious Sarah Silverman's not funny Sarah Silverman is fucking hilarious This girl right here This is Katie Manzell The girls whose mom was married to Hugh Hefner Right here This girl right in here though Her name is Jessica Shores And she has a music video That she just put out like a month ago That already has like 1 .2 million hits And if you're dancing around with her Yeah if you look at it though You'll laugh her ass off.

[2231] Why would I laugh my ass off?

[2232] No, I don't.

[2233] Okay, it's great.

[2234] No, I won't laugh my ass off.

[2235] I can't believe you're still talking about it.

[2236] You would in a laugh about it way.

[2237] Yeah, no thanks.

[2238] Been there.

[2239] I've been there.

[2240] I've been there.

[2241] I've done that.

[2242] Stop trying to make me sad.

[2243] Do you never get a hankling to go back there when you drive by?

[2244] You ever wish you could just pull in and do a set?

[2245] No, not at all.

[2246] No. You should.

[2247] You still, you're doing the improv?

[2248] Have you been there lately?

[2249] No. Just got a text from Rita.

[2250] I got to text her back.

[2251] the improv is that bar freaks me out oh the Persian barring window the new bar I'm like what what is this recessed lighting the fucking lamps built into the wall and shit I'm like what are you guys doing I'm so glad you said that because I was like you need a corner that you could like suck a pussy in there's no there's no hidden corners here it doesn't feel like a comedy club at all with white booths like where are we are we in Miami 1998 it feels like a hotel room or a hotel bar yeah it feels like a road gig.

[2252] It feels like a gig you would do if you're in western Massachusetts where they had like the bar.

[2253] The club still is great once you get inside.

[2254] The actual setup is pretty fucking perfect.

[2255] And the way they have it now with the bar over there, it does have less noise because people have to leave and go down that hall and then take a right and then take a left.

[2256] So it's probably like quieter for them that way.

[2257] It just seems weird.

[2258] I guess that that annex, though, it wasn't making any money, you know.

[2259] Oh, so they got rid of the annex?

[2260] Annex doesn't exist anymore.

[2261] That's where the bar is.

[2262] They're also running out the front part of it to a hamburger place.

[2263] What kind of hamburger is going to be?

[2264] That umami.

[2265] It's actually...

[2266] Oh, Unami burger?

[2267] I don't know if I'm I've had those before.

[2268] But the weirdest thing, the weirdest thing is, is that the murals, if you ever been to the Hollywood Improv, we used to have these big, like, these big drawings or paintings.

[2269] They painted over them.

[2270] Yeah, and there's this new mural that all the people...

[2271] There's a new one?

[2272] Yeah, and it's huge.

[2273] And it's just a bunch of comics, and you sit there and you're trying to figure out who's who.

[2274] Everyone does not look like who they are.

[2275] it looks really like Do you a picture of it?

[2276] The only picture I have is there's only one microphone on this mural and there's only one person standing in front of the microphone and this is like a simulation theory but that one thing is a fucking dolphin for some reason.

[2277] For no reason at all.

[2278] A dolphin in front of the microphone.

[2279] And then you could kind of see a couple of the comics here like I can't tell I know who that is just by the puppets.

[2280] That's the only photo of it?

[2281] That's the only photo I have I can see if I can find So that's like only a partial of the mural.

[2282] But why a dog?

[2283] dolphin it's weird that dolphin sunglasses too yeah I don't know man there's no there's no rhyme or reason there's no logic to why they would take down those other paintings those paintings were old as fuck that was like a part of history oh I think here yeah I think here's the here's the here's a news story about it the new mural oh god there's a story in the news this guy ew I'm Jim Castillo oh dear you know otherwise Comedy Club in West Hollywood Comics for Conservation It's happening right now See, look at that mural There's the dolphin Yeah, I was just fast Incredible mural Over the past couple of days here Let's take Look at it, you can't Who are there?

[2284] Robin Williams You'll sit here and look at it And you won't even You can't even figure out half of these This is a terrible piece of artwork I don't want to say it's terrible Shut up, say it His style does not look like the people at all like like if you look at jeff ross it looks like jeff ross with special needs or something oh look at that's weird they have the unknown comic with the paper bag over his head yeah thank god and so so now the the entrance it's over here where the what the fuck kind of mural is that yeah and there's so many like there was somebody there that i forget who it was that george carlin's pretty obvious yeah well some of the people look really obvious j leno's pretty obvious but let's see if i can get it I don't want to make fun of it, but it's...

[2285] Just shut it off.

[2286] Let's be nice.

[2287] Yeah, okay.

[2288] It doesn't matter.

[2289] That's what the comics are saying.

[2290] It's kind of weird going over there now because people are like, what's up with this bar?

[2291] And it was up with this crazy mural.

[2292] Somebody fucked up.

[2293] Somebody got crazy and they forgot that things are nice when they stay the same.

[2294] Yep.

[2295] They forgot it.

[2296] At the end of the day, who gives a fuck about a fucking mural?

[2297] That's what I'm saying, dog.

[2298] I come all over here and peeve fucking talk about a fucking mural.

[2299] Jesus Christ, Joe Diaz.

[2300] You know what I'm saying?

[2301] Who gives a fuck about some fucking ugly -ass mural?

[2302] That's what I'm saying.

[2303] That's what I'm saying, dog.

[2304] You know what I'm saying?

[2305] Mm -hmm.

[2306] Like a motherfucker.

[2307] What movies you see lately?

[2308] Anything good?

[2309] I saw Despicables, Despicable me too.

[2310] It was a good movie.

[2311] Those movies always, they're better than the real fucking movies.

[2312] All those kid movies.

[2313] It's a good fucking movie.

[2314] I watch cartoons now.

[2315] Fuck television.

[2316] Fuck all that family guy.

[2317] I'm watching SpongeBob.

[2318] That's the shit.

[2319] Motherfucker isn't a pineapple.

[2320] It's true.

[2321] Under the sea.

[2322] It's true.

[2323] Was it good because of the 3D?

[2324] Or you just, did you like the first one?

[2325] It was great.

[2326] The first one's not bad either.

[2327] They're good movies.

[2328] I love all that shit.

[2329] It's like, I mean, obviously I went for my kids, but it's a legitimately good movie.

[2330] But that's where they put their fucking screen.

[2331] That's where they put their creativity in the kid shit.

[2332] Yeah.

[2333] And the adult shit, you sit there.

[2334] My friend said he went to see the end of the world last night.

[2335] And this guy's a white dude that's very geeky.

[2336] And he went to see the Kevin Hart thing.

[2337] He said, the end of the world, he had to walk out of.

[2338] Really?

[2339] Kevin Hart thing was okay.

[2340] It was just too big to do stand -up at the garden.

[2341] and he felt like it was just too big to tape there he goes at the end and he watched the credit and he goes there was dirty fucking camera man you know what I'm saying there was dirty camera man so it just didn't feel intimate enough it didn't feel intimate enough which I when you're doing those fucking places you don't you don't feel intimate enough yeah you know there's a certain level like 1800 or something after that it's all downhill after that for a guy that rants it's downhill yeah for a guy who's very slow like when we've seen a guy in Jersey a slow pace that's great but a guy who steps on his own lines and I just don't like it You're absolutely right That is the issue When people are laughing You can't hear what they're saying I don't like 1800 or above Yeah You don't want it's nice money Yeah we have a good time But I don't feel good When I walk off this I don't feel like I did nothing Yeah I'm just struggling to talk slow My patois's off My timings off Yeah You know I like that That's why I don't know Where I want to shoot a special I like to shoot it at somewhere Where it's fucking small I don't want to do theaters I don't want people to come see me Atlanta Punchline.

[2342] I honestly, Atlanta Punchline is a great idea.

[2343] That's a great idea.

[2344] I honestly think 300 is the threshold for things getting different.

[2345] 270.

[2346] Yeah.

[2347] 270's nice.

[2348] 350 gets a little kinky, right?

[2349] Even cobs is tremendous.

[2350] It's big, though.

[2351] It's too big.

[2352] Cobbs is tremendous.

[2353] And then when you have the little thing on top, that's a little fucked up too.

[2354] Yeah, it's on top and in the back, too.

[2355] It goes way back and above.

[2356] You don't feel much of a connection.

[2357] It's a perfect.

[2358] It's the perfect place.

[2359] American Comedy Co. That's not bad either.

[2360] But there's a lot of pillars in that spot.

[2361] But I don't want to shoot in California.

[2362] Yeah.

[2363] That's the problem.

[2364] We do shit here.

[2365] Yeah.

[2366] We want to go somewhere to fucking light up a state like a Grand Funk Railroad.

[2367] We're an American band.

[2368] We'll come into your town.

[2369] We'll help you party down.

[2370] We're an American fucking band.

[2371] Are you kidding me?

[2372] That's a jam, dog.

[2373] Listen to that.

[2374] We'll help you party down.

[2375] That's it.

[2376] We'll bring Cheebo's reefer.

[2377] Papers.

[2378] No, that's it.

[2379] So I want to go somewhere.

[2380] When you do a set in L .A., it's fun.

[2381] Yeah.

[2382] It's great.

[2383] But they can see us any time.

[2384] That's true.

[2385] If I was Louis C .K., yeah, I'd do the Yorffian and jump up and down.

[2386] If I was fucking, you know, a Kevin Hart, I'd do fucking whatever, stand -up live, downtown, whatever that's.

[2387] But I'm not.

[2388] Right.

[2389] And I'm never going to, I don't want to do that kind of stand -up.

[2390] I rather keep it smaller.

[2391] That's why I do good.

[2392] When I got a rant and shit in a big theater, I lose it.

[2393] Well, it's also it's a matter of.

[2394] how much money do you really need?

[2395] Because if you start getting into the 8 and 10 ,000 seats, it's one thing if you're doing it because the demand is really high, you don't want anybody to not be able to go because the shows will be all sold out.

[2396] But you can make a lot of money just doing clubs.

[2397] I mean, how much money does a comic need to exist in this life?

[2398] You know, if you're living like a normal person, you can do clubs.

[2399] You can make plenty of money, you know?

[2400] But the show will be more like you.

[2401] I can go see you in a hundred seats and you can be screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs and rant I'll know every word that comes out of your mouth there'd be no questions what did he say I couldn't hear there'd be none of that but when you get into those like two and three thousand seat places there are moments and I noticed that when we watched that guy in Jersey there was a moment there was a few moments where I didn't know what he had said because he was like ranting as they were laughing and I was like oh this is interesting very interesting gets really confusing The theater dynamics were great for a 2 ,400 -seat theater.

[2402] The dynamics of Chicago were tremendous.

[2403] I ranted there, and it came up perfectly.

[2404] Yeah.

[2405] But that's a very few and far between.

[2406] That place is magical.

[2407] That place is magical.

[2408] I would also consider shooting a special if it wasn't so big in the place we did in Pittsburgh.

[2409] That was a great place, too.

[2410] That was the Carnegie Library Hall.

[2411] Oh, my God.

[2412] That was the ceiling.

[2413] That was amazing.

[2414] It used to be an old library.

[2415] Yeah, it was an old library.

[2416] There's so many places if I can find a good old fucking joint, like four, 600 seats in Houston.

[2417] You should just do it at helium, man. I want to do it either helium.

[2418] Portland?

[2419] Do it in Portland?

[2420] They'll go fucking crazy.

[2421] I want to do a brick wall.

[2422] I want to do a brick wall.

[2423] Right, only a brick wall.

[2424] What does Portland have?

[2425] Giggle.

[2426] We can put this up.

[2427] Not Giggles.

[2428] I'm saying Giggles.

[2429] Helium.

[2430] Giggles is the common club that I used to do.

[2431] In Boston.

[2432] In Boston, yeah.

[2433] And Giggles is also in Seattle, the place that was right.

[2434] run by the Vietnam vet that I would take a draw from him on Thursday and by Saturday he'd forget.

[2435] He was a Vietnam and then I call him Monday and ask him who was there next week and he'd go what was the last time you worked a club?

[2436] Oh that's hilarious.

[2437] Three years ago I'll see you Friday.

[2438] He had, he forgot that bad?

[2439] Oh my God.

[2440] Once I learned, I would get the waitresses on Saturday and I'd go, come here, find out who's the feature act next week.

[2441] I call him Monday 901.

[2442] Hey, what's up, buddy?

[2443] Joe Diaz, who's featuring this week?

[2444] When was the last time you were at my club?

[2445] a year ago and you had to be fucking spotless clean but he wouldn't show up to see the headliner and there was a curtain on the stage and you could see his Jaguar pull up Oh that's hilarious the jaguar pulled up I did my clean stuff as soon as he went in he'd only come in for one minute and I just bombed for two minutes he'd only come in look at the back and he'd go in this is hysterical this is how much this is how who box this guy was I forget the guy's name he's a track coach in Seattle very good guy was on HBO he's just a college track coach he doesn't travel as much he was headlining and he's a great comic and a great monologist he's completely clean this motherfucker gets off stage and the owner of the club goes up and he goes let me tell you something I went in there three minutes ago and you were being dirty don't ever do that in my club and he's like me and finally comes up to me he goes I was just about to rat you out but I remember he's a Vietnam vet and he got hit with a missile or something that's his And he sold it.

[2446] He sold the club to a Mormon.

[2447] A Mormon, that's right.

[2448] Yes.

[2449] We talked about the Mormon on a interview.

[2450] And the Mormon got mad at us.

[2451] And then he offered me a week up there.

[2452] Yes.

[2453] Now it's done.

[2454] Yeah.

[2455] It's done.

[2456] Yeah, he got mad because he had sent somebody home or said someone couldn't work there or something.

[2457] James Zimman or Stanhope or somebody.

[2458] One of those guys.

[2459] Someone had problems with him.

[2460] And so I just wanted to put the word out.

[2461] So I can't work.

[2462] guys in Mormonville.

[2463] He was in wise guys in Salt Lake.

[2464] He left and he bought giggles.

[2465] Ah, so I never did that club.

[2466] That was, I think I'd heard about it, but it was like, you've got to be, you have to be clean.

[2467] But then he let Bobby Slayton work there.

[2468] That was what he did.

[2469] He called up.

[2470] He goes, no, no, no, I don't allow clean.

[2471] But Bobby Slayton worked there, and he was saying something, like this is not my cup of tea.

[2472] You know, like, he said it, like, and he was when he was bringing up the show or something like that, this is not my type of show.

[2473] I just want to say that.

[2474] Like, he, like, introduced the show that way and someone was offended.

[2475] It was either Shimmel or it was Bobby Slayton, one of those guys.

[2476] I don't remember it though.

[2477] Thursday night was the capital of Washington.

[2478] That was a Seattle gig?

[2479] And Friday and Saturday were giggles in the U. District.

[2480] Do you know what's fucking fantastic?

[2481] Pauler Live.

[2482] In Bellevue, have you done that place yet?

[2483] Bro, listen, Ivan Salavari called me today.

[2484] Number one, you got to call Ivan.

[2485] Okay.

[2486] Because when you go to the UFC, there's a guy up there that made you a tank for you to go under with a bong under the fucking water.

[2487] Like the guy made you with a fucking video projector that you see shit, something.

[2488] Ivan called me 10 times.

[2489] That's number one, number two.

[2490] Ivan called me today to tell me that he's got a cop buddy and the cop buddy looked into my warrant.

[2491] They're crazy.

[2492] Like, they're fucking crazy.

[2493] They're trying to get the warrant.

[2494] It's an extradition warrant.

[2495] They won't hunt me down anywhere.

[2496] But if I get caught in Seattle, they're going to arrest.

[2497] And they're going to keep me in there because it's an expired warrant.

[2498] He was telling me, Ivan, the whole story that I go, Ivan, do me a favor.

[2499] Get me a fucking attorney.

[2500] And let's just do this.

[2501] Pick me an attorney because I don't know no Seattle attorneys.

[2502] Right.

[2503] Get a fucking attorney.

[2504] I'll send them a retainer.

[2505] Right.

[2506] Let's get this warrant over with.

[2507] I'm not going to turn myself in.

[2508] Right.

[2509] So what do they say?

[2510] I don't know.

[2511] He's going to call me back tomorrow.

[2512] I'm going to write a check and send it.

[2513] You know how many letters I get?

[2514] Like, please get Uncle Joey to come with you to Seattle.

[2515] Oh, please.

[2516] I got to go up there.

[2517] So I'm going to fucking do this.

[2518] and get this over with.

[2519] I'm going to send Ivan the attorney to money.

[2520] I think the guy's name is Savage.

[2521] The doctor's name is Savage.

[2522] The lawyer's there is Savage.

[2523] Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

[2524] We're going to fucking go up there and get it out, and then I can probably go up there with you next month.

[2525] I'm there July 26th with Tom Segura.

[2526] Where am I in Jill?

[2527] No, that's two weeks.

[2528] Yeah, it's two weeks.

[2529] I'm there.

[2530] And you're going to get to see Jill Himitsu in Seattle and shit.

[2531] That's right.

[2532] My girl.

[2533] Jill's awesome.

[2534] She is awesome.

[2535] Isn't she a man?

[2536] She's a darling.

[2537] The Moore Theater.

[2538] That's what I'm doing.

[2539] I'm doing with me and Seagora.

[2540] Seattle's a fucking badass town.

[2541] We had a good time up there when I was looking for Bigfoot, too.

[2542] That's a good little time.

[2543] We're up there squatching.

[2544] That's a place I disrespect it, but not really.

[2545] Why did you disrespect it?

[2546] I lived up there with that fucking filthy animal.

[2547] I was finding aluminum falls in her ass.

[2548] I ended up choking her out.

[2549] She stabbed me. You know how it was about.

[2550] You disrespected Seattle because of that?

[2551] You know, and that's why.

[2552] Bro, right now, I love to get out of here.

[2553] And I love, you know, bro, there's only one place for me to go, and that's Colorado.

[2554] Yeah.

[2555] That's it.

[2556] But I felt like I'd disrespect him.

[2557] Like, I would have to walk around Colorado with my head down.

[2558] You know when you were a kid?

[2559] Why?

[2560] Because I fucked up there, though.

[2561] So what?

[2562] So what?

[2563] It's a long time ago, man. You're a different human now.

[2564] It don't mean none.

[2565] It's a thing in Colorado.

[2566] It's a large country.

[2567] That's a God's country, bro.

[2568] When you're driving in Colorado, you're breathing that air.

[2569] You're in fucking God's living room.

[2570] I don't know what the fuck you describe it.

[2571] To me, one of the things about Boulder is just that you're at the base of those mountains.

[2572] And you leave Boulder, you drive 10 minutes, welcome to the woods.

[2573] Like literally, you are 10 minutes out of Boulder, you are in the woods.

[2574] And the beauty of that place is so, it's so stunning that it affects people.

[2575] It affects people.

[2576] It's like living around the most insane artwork all the time.

[2577] I really do believe that.

[2578] I think that's one of the reasons why the people are so healthy there.

[2579] I think the view, like, it's not just the air is clean, which it is, but it's also like the view of those mountains, like enriches you.

[2580] I really believe that.

[2581] I think there's something to places like that, especially because it's a college town.

[2582] So there's like intelligent people there, intelligent cool people at the base of a mountain, this insane view.

[2583] Listen, dog, let's buy some land.

[2584] Let's do this.

[2585] Let's start a farm.

[2586] Start a fucking colony up there.

[2587] All my daughter would be raised there.

[2588] Why not?

[2589] Let's do it.

[2590] You want to go?

[2591] I want to go.

[2592] Callin wants to go.

[2593] No. Snow.

[2594] Brian will force him to go.

[2595] That's pussy shit.

[2596] Snow ain't going to do nothing for you.

[2597] Brian will import chicks.

[2598] Hurricane's and fucking racane.

[2599] All that shit kills you.

[2600] Brian will box them up in bird cages from the mansion, ship him off Southwest.

[2601] I want to shoot myself.

[2602] You know what, man?

[2603] That's how I redeem myself by shooting my special in Denver.

[2604] Why not?

[2605] Listen, we could do, we could go back to back.

[2606] You know?

[2607] Go to prison.

[2608] Go to say hello to those motherfuckers?

[2609] No. Back -to -back specials.

[2610] Like, will you do one week?

[2611] I do another, the next week.

[2612] You know, we'll do like two weeks in Denver.

[2613] We could even film a documentary.

[2614] Two weeks in Denver.

[2615] I'll open for you when you do your special.

[2616] You open for me when I do mine.

[2617] I didn't figure a way for you to bring me up on stage somewhere.

[2618] I'll do it.

[2619] Fuck yeah, dude.

[2620] You tell me, I'll do it.

[2621] I'll be happy to do it.

[2622] Even if I just come in just to bring you up, I'd be happy to do it.

[2623] What's the next legit UFC?

[2624] You brought me up every special I ever did except the, I'm going to be dead someday.

[2625] That was McGuire.

[2626] Every single thing I've done, that was Houston.

[2627] Every single thing I've done since then, you brought me up.

[2628] No, what's the next big UFC fight, though?

[2629] It's Brazil.

[2630] Brazil?

[2631] Yeah, yeah, that's, well, no, there's Seattle.

[2632] Demetrius Johnson, John Maraga, that's on Fox.

[2633] You need to come back to Japan.

[2634] Yeah, the UFC's been going to Japan, dude, but they do the FX or Fuel shows there, and I haven't been doing those.

[2635] But I'm doing the first Fox Sports 1, that's a Boston card.

[2636] I'm going to do that.

[2637] I'm going to be at the show, but I'm not going to be at the fight.

[2638] I'm going to be at the show, though.

[2639] Yeah, with two shows, sold out.

[2640] Show.

[2641] Boom.

[2642] Sun Sockets.

[2643] You got to get to Alaska, Joe Diaz.

[2644] You got to listen to me. This summer, before the time is up, before it gets cold there, go.

[2645] Go to Anchorage, Alaska.

[2646] You did comedy?

[2647] I did.

[2648] Yeah, I did some fucking Beartooth Lodge or something like that.

[2649] Was it the name of the place I did?

[2650] Beartooth.

[2651] I think it was Bear Tooth.

[2652] It's a theater.

[2653] They show movies there, and then they have a comedy show.

[2654] It was fucking fantastic.

[2655] No, what's name of the city?

[2656] We went to Anchorage.

[2657] Anchorage.

[2658] Okay.

[2659] You didn't go to Choku Charlie's.

[2660] No. No, I went to this Bear Tooth Theater, whatever the fuck it is.

[2661] It was amazing.

[2662] They grow, they have their own beer there.

[2663] They grow their own weed.

[2664] Powder beer?

[2665] It's not powder.

[2666] It's like they brew their own beer.

[2667] It's amazing.

[2668] Let me make sure I'm saying the name right.

[2669] Bear Tooth Lodge.

[2670] Yeah, it's right.

[2671] Is it?

[2672] Yeah.

[2673] Yeah, it was amazing, man. It was, it's, it's one of those places where as you're up there, like, you would think before you went there, you'd be like, who the fuck would live in Alaska.

[2674] Like my friend Eric, Eric Crisp of Sugar Tree Cues, he used to live in Alaska.

[2675] He's a cue maker, badass cue maker.

[2676] Makes pool cues, like the best pool cues.

[2677] And he was, at one point in time, he did like, he was working, I think he lived at a base there when he was in the military, or he lived there when he was in the military.

[2678] And he always talks about going back there.

[2679] And I go, why the fuck would you go to Alaska, man?

[2680] Are you crazy?

[2681] I was thinking about how cold it is and all the stories that I've heard.

[2682] but then you get there and you like I see it I get it I've been there same thing happened to me I was like I get it I get it it's weird we go outside two third in the morning it's blight out that's crazy 2 30 in the morning we did our show we took pictures after the show we hung out I would just want to go party it all night oh yeah I'm sure people do and by the way that myth of no pretty girls there myth okay the myth of 10 to 1 men myth it's more than half of the population of Anchorage's girls and there's a lot hot ones and they're like rugged hot.

[2683] What's the strip club?

[2684] They don't bruise up.

[2685] I don't know.

[2686] I don't know.

[2687] We didn't go to any strip club.

[2688] Did you hear about it?

[2689] No, we did basically was we fished all day.

[2690] We're fishing we went on rented an outfitter and went for 10 hours at a stretch.

[2691] So we did two long days.

[2692] In the first day we did 10 hours, the second day we actually called it quits like a little early so that we could get ready for the show because we were exhausted.

[2693] No, no, I'm not saying you went to strip clubs, but I'm sure we didn't do anything.

[2694] People saying you gotta go there's strip you know like where anywhere we go and their strip club there is huge because women come from all over oh too go there in the 90s and early 2000s that there's a ratio of 10 to 1 men right women go up there and they have a season efficient season they'd make fucking 20 fucking thousand a night shaking that yeah there's another season in the late july and the silver salmon are running like uh like towards uh towards the end of the month apparently that's another big time when people come up and then there's also people that come up for like the various hunting seasons like moose season starts in September people come up for that but god damn that place is majestic.

[2695] You see eagles.

[2696] You just see eagles everywhere we saw five moose.

[2697] We were there for two days we saw five moose and there's just something about the place.

[2698] It just makes you it just like humble you know it makes you it humbles you because it's just when you're flying over you look down your jaw just drops because it goes on forever And then forever, you see nothing.

[2699] You just see mountains and trees and mountains and trees and mountains and trees and then, okay, we're starting our descent into Aspen, or to Anchorage, and you slowly start scooting into Anchorage.

[2700] And by you get there, when you get there, you're like, these people are gangster as fuck.

[2701] Like, you think about how far they're living from the real world.

[2702] Like, they're up there on some weird little patch of land that they decide to clear out some trees and start some fires.

[2703] And there's a fucking half a million of them up there There's like 300 ,000 people living in there And there's only like, I think the whole state only has like double that Or something like that I think there's only like 600 ,000 people in the whole state But Anchorage's got like 300 ,000 people You could live there, man, I'm telling you That's four hours away before we even start the party Yeah That's fucking 10 hours and you get to Seattle in two You get to Seattle from Alaska You get to Seattle from Alaska and two That's great, what am I going to eat salmon The rest of my fucking life You know what I'm saying?

[2704] The fuck, I gotta get to other places If you could live anywhere outside of L .A. Now, I know now that you have your little daughter, I'm sure you're probably thinking, I don't want her growing up in California.

[2705] That's one of the things that I thought of immediately when my first daughter was born.

[2706] San Diego, so beautiful.

[2707] To go to Mexico, son.

[2708] If you could go to another state, which one would it be?

[2709] Colorado.

[2710] It would be Colorado?

[2711] Why not?

[2712] Yeah.

[2713] I can't figure it.

[2714] What about Seattle?

[2715] Would you do that if you could get back?

[2716] Oh, man. Fuck that.

[2717] How come?

[2718] I'm fucking living in Seattle from September, the fucking December.

[2719] You go up there.

[2720] Too dark.

[2721] I love these people.

[2722] Oh, man. Seattle folk cool.

[2723] Seattle's cool.

[2724] Go up there in September.

[2725] And wait till you see two fucking weeks of nonstop fucking rain and the gutters and you can't go nowhere.

[2726] And all you want to do is wake up, look around.

[2727] You know, when you wake up here, you go to pee and the sun creeps through your fucking windows.

[2728] What are you doing when you wake up for two weeks and it's fucking gray?

[2729] And then it's gray in November.

[2730] And it gets a little sunny for three days.

[2731] Then it's rainy again for three weeks.

[2732] Relax people.

[2733] Relax people.

[2734] You're in no danger.

[2735] Everybody wants to be a fucking authority.

[2736] You don't go there for two days.

[2737] And all of a sudden, we got the place packed down.

[2738] Live there for six fucking months.

[2739] Seattle's great, and the people are great, and it's great to do comedy there.

[2740] It wasn't for fucking me. That long stretch from September to December with rain, albeit there, fuck you.

[2741] There's more to life than fucking waking up the fucking rain, my friend.

[2742] It's like living in Buffalo, New York.

[2743] Put the fuck, what is that called?

[2744] The protractor to put the pro tractor to Buffalo and put the pro tractor to the fucking Seattle.

[2745] It's in the same missile The same missile Can take out Buffalo And then shoot And take out fucking Seattle They got the same suicide Fucking rates You know You go to fucking Buffalo dog It's a tough live I love it I love it but it's a tough live I think it's hard to fuck around California In July and go Yeah it's nice Seattle's gorgeous in the summer The only problem With California is too many people Yeah but you go to Santa Barbara You don't think that Maybe You might be right That might be the move Santa Barbara might be the move Someone needs to do a helium in Santa Barbara.

[2746] Do you know how badass that would be?

[2747] That theater that we did was perfect.

[2748] We don't even know helium's in Santa Barbara.

[2749] That theater we did for 600 seats.

[2750] We're doing it again.

[2751] It was fucking gorgeous.

[2752] Yeah.

[2753] When do you want to do it again?

[2754] Say the word.

[2755] December.

[2756] December?

[2757] The week before Christmas.

[2758] I love it.

[2759] I love it.

[2760] Because we still got to do.

[2761] We're doing Vegas.

[2762] We can't do 29.

[2763] We can't do Vegas the December 27th.

[2764] We can't do.

[2765] But we still got to do an end of the world somewhere.

[2766] Really?

[2767] Yeah.

[2768] They offered us the Wilbur Theater again.

[2769] Do it.

[2770] You want to do that?

[2771] Boston?

[2772] No, here.

[2773] Wiltern, rather.

[2774] We're doing the Wilburne.

[2775] We have to do the Wiltson the day before Christmas.

[2776] That's the end of the world of the 23rd.

[2777] Yeah?

[2778] Yeah, because.

[2779] Nobody wants to go out on Christmas Eve.

[2780] No, no, no, two days before Christmas.

[2781] Really?

[2782] Or December 20 is.

[2783] People are shopping and shit.

[2784] December 20th.

[2785] But last time we did it December 21st.

[2786] Right, so what's the different?

[2787] December 21st.

[2788] You should do it Halloween.

[2789] All right, what should we call it?

[2790] If we don't call it, we should bring, Stanhope and Honey Honey again?

[2791] Same show?

[2792] Everybody.

[2793] What should we call it?

[2794] it's not the end of the world the end of the world part two the beginning of the new world the beginning of the new world writers of the purple sage we should do it in Denver I'll do it whatever the fuck you want yeah if you want we should do it let's move to Denver bitch let's do that let's do let's move to Denver bitch show how about a Boulder show do let's move to Boulder bitch let's do it I think I said to do it definitely a monthly show in Vegas like every month you guys should do I don't know about that man I enjoy going in every few months and rocking it.

[2795] I'll tell you, the joint, that's my new favorite place.

[2796] The joint at the hard rock.

[2797] First of all, everybody works there.

[2798] It was cool as fuck.

[2799] Cool as fuck.

[2800] It was so dynamite, great vibe.

[2801] And that crowd could have been better, Joey Diaz.

[2802] That was amazing.

[2803] We had so much fun.

[2804] So much fun.

[2805] And the people afterward, that was like, they weren't stoners.

[2806] We just hung out at the bar.

[2807] We didn't go out to smoke one time.

[2808] I didn't go out to smoke at all.

[2809] I was fucking stoned on that edible.

[2810] I was just talking about me. We ate the goomies on the plane.

[2811] On the plane, and he fucked up at 930.

[2812] Yeah.

[2813] By four, I was fucked up in that hotel room.

[2814] I had three Gumi's before I went on stage.

[2815] Gumi Bears.

[2816] Yeah, Ivan Saliver.

[2817] And I would love to go to Seattle on a regular basis.

[2818] I wish I could get you in.

[2819] And all that shit, but I can't risk going to fucking jail for something that happened 18 fucking years ago that nobody, nothing bad happened.

[2820] Yeah, that seems a bit silly.

[2821] I didn't go to fucking, I didn't go to anger management.

[2822] The judge threw me out of the fucking state for two years.

[2823] Really?

[2824] The judge told me, I just told me, I got to go.

[2825] That's how it was?

[2826] Yeah.

[2827] That was it.

[2828] You got to go, dog.

[2829] You got to go, dog.

[2830] Go, Joe, you got to go.

[2831] What are you doing next weekend, Joe?

[2832] Are you out of town?

[2833] Yes.

[2834] Yeah, I got family shit going on.

[2835] I don't have a gig booked until the, a gig booked out of town, at least, until Seattle.

[2836] But I got some other shit cooking.

[2837] I'm trying to finish up this TV show, too.

[2838] It's more difficult than I thought it was going to be.

[2839] It's more difficult time -wise than I thought I was going to be.

[2840] It's more difficult time -wise than I thought I was going to be and it's more difficult as far as like getting it right it's a lot of work you know we're putting together kind of a crazy show but ori's in it and duncan's in it too and there's a lot of interviews that they're doing when i'm not there like i said duncan to interview some scientists and ari goes and interviews some other scientists and all these other crazy people involved in all these different disciplines so it's kind of interesting and it's uh we're only hoping it comes out right it's it's a big experiment right now i can see arian with a scientist So do you like gummy bears?

[2841] No, Ari is very intelligent, man. He's very good at interviewing people and talking to people.

[2842] We had him talk to some crazy religious guy, and we went to the Global Future 2045 conference in New York.

[2843] What a bunch of fucking intelligent super freaks.

[2844] That place was filled with.

[2845] It was so fascinating.

[2846] All these people with robots that look just like them, and there were people with bionic hands and the cutting edge of life extension science.

[2847] We had Ari interviewing some religious guy.

[2848] It was really weird.

[2849] There was these religious guys, and they were all, like, telling people that, you know, not to concentrate on technology and not to be persuaded by technology, but the beauty of a rose cannot be defined by science.

[2850] Who should know why a seed becomes a flower, and that flower becomes a beautiful part of, you know, it was like this weird resistance sort of, you know, and like it's weird trying to incorporate their religion into the idea of the future.

[2851] You're like, listen, bitch, you're getting left behind.

[2852] You're dressed like a wizard, and you're getting left behind.

[2853] No matter what you do, you got crazy beads around your neck, and you think they're important, and you're fucked.

[2854] Okay, because your style of living, you can't rock it.

[2855] You can't be reading 6 ,000 -year -old books and saying they had it right.

[2856] They were on to it.

[2857] These global future 2045 people with microchips in their head, they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

[2858] Joey Diaz I lost you We got to get out of you Anyway 7 o 'clock Can I have a Pimp a show Yeah Next weekend at Comic Con 2013 We're having a midnight show There Friday and Saturday night And so with me Sarah Tiana Mike Black Yoshi Benji And a couple of special guests That I can't say Excellent club too It's a fun spot Yeah American Comedycom Good spot to go And get your Freecom When is the ComicCon Next weekend Friday and Saturday, midnight shows.

[2859] So the 20th and 21st, okay.

[2860] Yeah, and if you want to see me and Segura, we're at the Moore Theater in Seattle on July 26th.

[2861] The Boston, Wilbur Theater on August 18th with Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir and me. Suck upon it.

[2862] Sold out, both shows.

[2863] So I got it.

[2864] July 18.

[2865] And then Milwaukee, we're doing, what is that there?

[2866] We're doing the PAPs or something in Milwaukee?

[2867] Paps.

[2868] Is that what we're doing?

[2869] Yeah, August 30th.

[2870] And that's you and me?

[2871] Great beer.

[2872] You and me. Oh, yeah.

[2873] You know.

[2874] And then fucking, I'm doing Philadelphia, the 18th to the 20th.

[2875] And in the following week, I'm with my main man, Dom Herrera, Dead Squad.

[2876] Yeah, well, Brian and I actually talked about this yesterday.

[2877] We eventually got to put together like a real serious Desquad page with all the different guys where you could click on the link.

[2878] Like, you'd have the picture of you next to a picture of Duncan next to a picture.

[2879] Everybody who's in there.

[2880] You get one -stop shop, go there, press a button, and you know how to, uh, perfect.

[2881] She has a counter with all our shows on it right here.

[2882] Beautiful.

[2883] Jill does this.

[2884] Powerful Jill.

[2885] She's awesome.

[2886] All right.

[2887] Um, thank you to everybody, tuned into the podcast.

[2888] Thanks to Squarespace .com.

[2889] Go to Squarespace .com forward slash Joe to sign up and use the code word Joe and the number seven to get your.

[2890] See, I made a website, Joey.

[2891] I'm doing a fucking commercial, dude.

[2892] to get 10 % off your first purchase.

[2893] We're also brought to you by Stamps .com.

[2894] If you go to Stamps .com, use the code J -R -E to save yourself some cash.

[2895] And what was the other one?

[2896] Legal Zoom.

[2897] Legal Zoom.

[2898] Oh, yes.

[2899] Legal Zoom, which is the latest of our podcast sponsors.

[2900] If you go to legalzoom .com and use the code Rogan, You can save yourself some money.

[2901] Legal Zoom is...

[2902] Not a...

[2903] Yeah, I'm trying to read the exact thing you're supposed to read.

[2904] Legal Zoom is not a law firm.

[2905] They provide self -help services at your specific direction.

[2906] And if you're really nice, they rub your balls while you masturbate.

[2907] No, I made that part up.

[2908] Listen, that's not true.

[2909] This is a comedy podcast.

[2910] You fuck.

[2911] Legal Zoom, go there.

[2912] Get your freak on.

[2913] Onit .com's our last sponsor, O -N -N -I -T.

[2914] use the code name, Rogan, save 10 % off any and all supplements.

[2915] We will most likely be here tomorrow.

[2916] I just have to figure out what time I can get off of work.

[2917] I'm trying real hard to get these podcasts out again.

[2918] Joe Diaz, you can catch him in the church of what's happening now.

[2919] How many days a week are you doing that now?

[2920] Two, two.

[2921] Two, sob.

[2922] Monday is 6 a .m. Wednesdays in the afternoon.

[2923] I can't wake up early no more.

[2924] I got too much.

[2925] Monday 6 a .m. Do you understand that?

[2926] We're fucking around you, stream, cucksucker.

[2927] He's not even playing games.

[2928] 6 a .m. And he does it on the regular.

[2929] All right.

[2930] Thank you, everybody.

[2931] Thanks.

[2932] Everybody came out to Vegas.

[2933] Thanks, everybody who comes out to all these shows.

[2934] You guys are the shit.

[2935] We love the fuck out of you.

[2936] And we'll see you soon.

[2937] Big kiss.

[2938] Mamm -ma, ma -ma.