#474 - Hannibal Buress

[0] The Joe Rogan Experience Trained by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night All day Ladies and gentlemen What the fuck?

[1] Hannibal Burress is here, ladies and gentlemen What's up?

[2] I like meeting a dude Who I only know you by your comedy I actually bought your comedy I listened to it on the way home from Irvine And laughed my ass off And then meeting you and just within minutes We're talking on the air I like that That's the best way to do it That's the best way to do it Yeah, thanks for having me. Hey, thanks for doing it, man. I'm excited that you have products and stuff.

[3] That's good to branch out, dude.

[4] Well, it's all shit that I'm interested in.

[5] Yeah.

[6] I just try to get in, I try to keep myself interested.

[7] I think that I feel different when I get excited about something.

[8] Yeah.

[9] Like a new exercise or a new hobby I'm trying or anything.

[10] I get excited when I'm in a new, so I try to spread that as much as I can.

[11] Because I try to think, I want to get into other aspects of business and that's cool that you done stuff.

[12] that you're interested in because I like comedy I talk about this in my I like comedy but I understand that it's fleeting so if everything in comedy went away for you got supplements and shit yeah but I don't think comedy's fleeting you really think it's like one of the least fleeting things ever fleeting but I'm just saying it needs maintenance it needs maintenance but thing is in the business like I'm talking about where you know stuff might be going well but then you're not working as much anymore I got a theory about that man was that I think that shit's in the passed.

[13] Really?

[14] Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen anymore.

[15] I think guys would go away because they wouldn't get gigs anymore.

[16] They wouldn't get television shows.

[17] They wouldn't get all these things.

[18] But now everybody promotes themselves.

[19] Anybody has a Twitter account.

[20] Everybody has a website.

[21] Everybody, when you get fans now, they know where they can find you.

[22] Yeah.

[23] It used to be, if you weren't on television, hey, where did you go?

[24] Where's this guy?

[25] Where did he go?

[26] He vanished.

[27] You can't just go to his Facebook page and read a blog that he wrote today that's fucking hilarious.

[28] Yeah.

[29] You know, you can't go and watch a YouTube clip that he made when he was fucking around in his backyard with his dog that's hilarious all that shit is new oh you know i don't confident i'm totally 100 confident that's confident you're going anywhere hannibal barres but the top son thank you and then you've inspired me to get my tiny bottles of lotion for hotels business going because that's what i'm passionate about i'm passionate about tiny bottles of lotion and that seems like a stable business people use it i want to get in that yeah people do use it you know someone's got to be selling them that shit yeah it's a good point i want to get into that maybe have some better smelling stuff better smelling stuff uh and maybe some jokes on the lotion that's a good snapple style with lotion oh yeah not too funny though you don't want to do jerking off with your lotion and cracking up no yeah not that type of stuff but uh yeah you don't want to use in the middle of it you're laughing lose your stroke yeah when a dude loses his stroke when you go limp while jerking off man those are tough times like getting it up again while you're jerking off.

[30] Well, that's just struggles.

[31] That's a lot of work.

[32] You just got, but that's just, if you're focused, if you're really about making it to your goal, then you just power through.

[33] That's really what it is.

[34] It seems frivolous, but it's really just an exercise in achieving your goals.

[35] Yeah, fall down nine times.

[36] Get up nine times.

[37] Why do they say?

[38] They say get up ten.

[39] They say get up ten.

[40] What the fuck are you talking about?

[41] Because they're idiots.

[42] Because people who fall down a lot get brain damage.

[43] You fall down a lot.

[44] You can't just fall down nine times.

[45] You can't just fall down nine.

[46] You're going to get fucked up, man. Little kids fall down and they hurts themselves.

[47] Well, you're a grown man. You're going to fall down nine times.

[48] You're not going to break something?

[49] Why are you falling?

[50] So what's up with your balance?

[51] Are you getting tackled or you just straight up falling?

[52] You got to bum knee, son?

[53] You got your ankle weak?

[54] You got a weak foot?

[55] Yeah, people got to get it together.

[56] Fall down nine times, get up ten.

[57] What are you saying?

[58] Yeah.

[59] How does that even work?

[60] It doesn't.

[61] I don't know.

[62] I guess get up in the morning.

[63] You count that one.

[64] They count in getting up in the morning.

[65] That's what they count.

[66] Well, you can't count that because you get a count lying down in bed then, too.

[67] That's falling down You gave up, bitch You went to sleep Yeah, man So basically what I'm saying Is fuck that old Dwayne Wade commercial That's why I came here Joe Broke Thank you I'm glad you're here man To promote Nature Box And say fuck that stupid commercial Yeah, congrats to Nature Box That's congrats to them Because this is pretty new company right Yeah I think so I honestly don't know too much about them Other than their stuff tastes good But yeah I mean I know it's cheesy and you know old, you know, philosophical quote shit.

[68] But this was an idea and now it's good and it's here.

[69] Yeah.

[70] I like when anybody comes up with anything that's a good idea.

[71] Yeah.

[72] It's interesting.

[73] It's interesting to see new companies sprout out because of the internet, too.

[74] Like, there's businesses now, you could have never had it.

[75] Like, today, if you ever want an excuse to start your own business, today's the fucking, like, here's this company, vehement knives.

[76] They make homemade knives.

[77] They sent me, they made me a knife.

[78] Yeah.

[79] Beautiful handcrafted knife.

[80] Like, they sent me a video of how they made it.

[81] Right.

[82] It's like it's beautiful, handcrafted artisanship, you know?

[83] I mean, I didn't really need a knife, but it's cool as fuck that somebody would do that.

[84] And it's cool as fuck that these guys who are listening to the podcast, their podcast listeners, they came up with their idea for company, and they started doing it.

[85] And now that's their job.

[86] That's their business.

[87] They don't have to work for anybody.

[88] That's awesome.

[89] Making your own shit.

[90] Making knives or whatever.

[91] Making old record players.

[92] Who knows the fuck you want to make?

[93] What are you going to do with that knife?

[94] That knife?

[95] It's going to sit around my house and look cool.

[96] Sit around out, yeah.

[97] It's like a trophy wife you never fuck.

[98] You know, one of those.

[99] Just sit around, look sporty.

[100] I'll take it somewhere maybe.

[101] I'll take it hunting.

[102] Things go hard or be wrong.

[103] I might need it.

[104] You know?

[105] You get attacked by something out in the wild.

[106] You got to defend yourself.

[107] Yeah.

[108] I have plans.

[109] I have strategies in my head.

[110] Like what I would do if a mountain lion jumped me and was fucking me up.

[111] I have like an idea of my head or how I'd fight it with a knife.

[112] Really?

[113] Like as far as where you hit it at, where you hit it with a knife?

[114] First, would you get it in the face and the gut?

[115] You've got to give the animal something to bite onto.

[116] That's very important.

[117] You got to put something in front of the animal so that it bites that before it bites you.

[118] So it bites the first thing you can get instinctively.

[119] That's when you stab it in the neck.

[120] That's what I'm seeing.

[121] That's a great strategy.

[122] I think that's the only strategy.

[123] You've got to be willing to sacrifice one of your arms, though.

[124] Your arm's going to get mauled to shit.

[125] My strategy is going to be useless.

[126] Because I'm pretty logical, but at times I'm irrational and delusional.

[127] so I think that I can knock out a mountain line with a two -hit combo A two -hit combo Like that mountain line I hit him with the right hit it with the left And I'm stepping back Dude you got mad confidence in your punching power Yeah I don't know if you can knock out even a house cat You ever try to knock out a house cat A house cat can take a fucking tremendous punch Really?

[128] Very rare they go out How do you know that?

[129] Well I never punched a cat But I did watch a cat jump from a tree And you got stuck in a tree I mean this fucking cat must have falling like 30 feet hit the ground bam and started running i mean it was unbelievable i thought the cat was dead for sure i was watching the cat fall it just started running yeah it hit the ground it is a video it's a video of it on youtube i saw it online the cat hits the ground and fucking takes off at a full clip doesn't go whoa hold up what the fuck just happened cat fell 30 feet which is approximately like what would that be for a person i don't know a six -foot tall person falling 30 feet that's terrible compared to a cat cat is four inches high and fell that far and it was fine that's crazy because I can't even walk right away if I had like a huge fart I still kind of got I can't I got a I got a little bit yeah you get shaky you get shaky no confidence and your legs yeah so good for that cat for just being well I think they have really flexible bones don't thing cats cats like they you know they're built different than us yeah they can they can definitely take impacts we can't My point is, I don't think the left -right's going to work.

[130] I don't think it would.

[131] You might have to get the tie clench with the knees.

[132] Yeah.

[133] I don't know those techniques.

[134] Yeah, here's the cat.

[135] Watch this fucking cat.

[136] This cat falls out of this fucking tree, man. You're like, that cat's dead, right?

[137] Okay, first of all, I said 30 feet.

[138] That shit's way higher than 30 feet.

[139] I said 80 feet.

[140] Look at that.

[141] Boom, and then see ya, and the cat runs off.

[142] 80 feet.

[143] The cat fell 80 feet.

[144] Okay, that's just a different thing.

[145] They're just way different than us.

[146] Look at that cat's fine.

[147] No, that cat is broken up, but it's just shock.

[148] You might be right.

[149] You might be right.

[150] I mean, look at that shit, though, man. Oof, did it fall on his...

[151] It's like it fell on its back.

[152] Yeah, that's a shod.

[153] That's a shitty cat.

[154] That's a cat is broken up.

[155] That's a shitty cat.

[156] I thought cat's always falling in their fucking legs.

[157] That cat had human, like, self -consciousness where, you know how we fought.

[158] I'm cool, I'm cool.

[159] That's what that cat was doing.

[160] That cat is not fine.

[161] I think you're probably right.

[162] Did you notice it hit the branches on the way down?

[163] I bet it got knocked the fuck out.

[164] I bet that's what happened.

[165] I bet it got dazed.

[166] It probably cracked, hit one of those branches, and then maybe that's what helped it survive.

[167] Maybe getting caoed by the branch.

[168] Like, watch this.

[169] Whop!

[170] Oh, man. Did it hit a branch?

[171] Yeah, I wondered what part hit the branch.

[172] And then they ran under the car?

[173] Yeah, bolted.

[174] Okay, that's good.

[175] Bank, yeah, yeah, see it, bam.

[176] Yeah, it definitely hit that tree.

[177] At least it looks like in that perspective.

[178] poor cat anyway he's fine a mountain lines like that but bigger in fact they say that like house cats and mountain lines are very similar and their amount of power you know like what they can generate yeah pound of body weight which is pretty fucking crazy when you think that a mountain line is out there running around like a 50 pound mountain line would fucking kill you easy then yeah that would be a bummer way to do you go in the woods and hunt and stuff like that yeah yeah yeah i've been doing that recently but when you go in the woods hunting your arm yeah you know you're not worried nearly as much as if you're hiking you go in california or where you go no i have well i've been pig hunting in california i went wild pig hunting did once but i've been uh wisconsin and montana the two places and montana's been the only place i camped out outside and do you have a hunting crew or is it other comics or as you got i went with brian callan yeah yeah i went with him twice we didn't go pig hunting together i went that with another guy i went with this there's a guy named steve ronella and uh he's He's got this TV show called Meat Eater, and he's a hunter.

[179] Yeah.

[180] He took us hunting, and I got hooked on it.

[181] Really?

[182] Dude, it's fascinating shit.

[183] Do you eat the stuff you hunted?

[184] Yeah.

[185] I'm trying to only eat that.

[186] That's what I'm trying to do.

[187] It's fresh and unprocessed?

[188] Yeah, I mean, it's 100 % organic.

[189] Except for the lead.

[190] Yeah, you don't have to keep showing that pig.

[191] That's the pig I murdered.

[192] That's a photo of the pig.

[193] I murdered it.

[194] You can't say murder because it's not a person.

[195] I'm supposed to say harvest.

[196] Harvest makes it sound better.

[197] That's what they like.

[198] Really?

[199] You're killing an animal.

[200] But you kill an animal every time you eat a ham sandwich.

[201] You harvest tomatoes.

[202] Yeah, well, they think of it as crops.

[203] Not as crops, but as, you know, something you're getting out of the earth.

[204] You know, you're harvesting an animal from the earth, bringing it home and eating it.

[205] I'm trying to only eat that at home.

[206] You know, I just think there's a lot of bad karma attached to factory farming.

[207] Yeah.

[208] I just think I like meat.

[209] I don't want to give up the idea eating meat.

[210] But you watch those PETA videos.

[211] And people could say all they want about that's, you know, you know, a fraction of those, you know, of those animals get treated like that.

[212] Most animals get treated ethically and humanely.

[213] Yeah.

[214] I have a friend who has a farm and he raises grass -fed beef.

[215] He raises these beef for slaughter.

[216] They have a full pasture that graze in.

[217] And they, you know, they're out there eating grass, no hormones, no antibiotics, no nothing.

[218] Those cats are, they're scared as fuck.

[219] Like, if you go anywhere near those cows, those cows freak out.

[220] You know why?

[221] Because they know we're killers.

[222] and we're going to eat them eventually and they're trapped in this cage.

[223] Like the idea that it's way better is better.

[224] It's definitely better.

[225] Most of the time it's better.

[226] But it's still a freak out.

[227] They're still trapped.

[228] Well, that's the lot in life they took, you know?

[229] They were given that lot in life.

[230] That's a sucky lot in life.

[231] It is.

[232] But so you just don't, because hunting is just doing the same thing but on a more base level, just on a smaller level.

[233] in a way yeah you're just doing it i mean you're cutting out the middle man and you're cutting out you're cutting out the middle man and the animals living completely wild there's like a concept behind hunting um that certain type of people do it's called fair chase yeah and what that means is that you're not dealing with an a fenced in environment that you're only hunting in an animal that's truly wild a wild animal that can go wherever it wants so in order to harvest this animal you have to figure out how to get close enough to it you got to stalk it you got to you know You've got to understand where the wind's blowing.

[234] Like, there's a lot of factors involved.

[235] And when you take that animal, most likely, that animal would not have even known you existed until it died.

[236] Like, out of nowhere, it just dies.

[237] Right.

[238] And it's the most ethical way.

[239] But that animal is still scared as fuck if it sees a person.

[240] Yeah.

[241] The reason being, because there's people like me that'll shoot it.

[242] Right.

[243] No, I see that.

[244] Where it's not being, you know, just chilling out, waiting to, and it hasn't just seen its friends be slaughtered and hung up.

[245] Yeah, it's not trapped.

[246] Yeah.

[247] You know, it's a wild animal.

[248] You're going out and getting a wild animal.

[249] But it's also a wild animal that's most of the time they're aware of people.

[250] And they don't want to be anywhere near us.

[251] Yeah.

[252] The real tripper is when you can go and you can see a wild animal that probably never saw a fucking human being.

[253] Like go up to the Yukon or some shit.

[254] Yeah.

[255] And then they freak out or they...

[256] They don't even know what the fuck you are.

[257] Like Caribou?

[258] Carrable would just look at you.

[259] Like, what the fuck is this?

[260] Sometimes antelopes will come towards people because they don't know what the fuck they are.

[261] Yeah.

[262] They're like, what the fuck are you?

[263] I've never seen one of you before.

[264] Boya!

[265] Point blank.

[266] Yeah.

[267] Well, not that close.

[268] They don't get that close, but they will look at you.

[269] But sometimes antelopes have encountered people and sometimes caribou encountered people.

[270] And once they've encountered people, they get way touchier.

[271] Yeah.

[272] Do you have a catchphrase when you hunt?

[273] When you hit one?

[274] I need one.

[275] Booia!

[276] Booyah!

[277] Is that it?

[278] Blam, blam, we eating ham.

[279] That's awesome.

[280] You need a catchphrase.

[281] That's the perfect one for pig honey, man. That is the perfect one.

[282] I'm actually, I'm in the process of brining a ham right now that I'm going to smoke.

[283] I bought a smoker.

[284] Brining means soaking it in?

[285] It's soaked in salt and brown sugar.

[286] Okay.

[287] And it's been soaking in this brine for like five days.

[288] Wow.

[289] And I'm going to smoke it tomorrow.

[290] Yeah.

[291] That's awesome, man. This new thing I'm going to.

[292] into.

[293] That's great, dude.

[294] It's fun.

[295] I eat almost exclusively delivery, so we leave opposite lives.

[296] Totally opposite lives.

[297] Well, I love delivery.

[298] Don't get me wrong.

[299] Delivery is like one of the greatest things ever.

[300] You can sit in your house and someone could bring you delicious food.

[301] Yeah.

[302] But yeah, we're at the opposite spectrums of Eden.

[303] Not only is a middleman, but there's somebody, there's a lot of the steps where somebody's bringing it to me. To your house.

[304] You're not even going to the restaurant.

[305] I'm using an app to do it.

[306] I'm using seamless web to do it and that's going to the restaurant the restaurant's getting the food from somewhere then they're making the food and bringing it to me through it and you're actually going and shooting pigs in the face you don't want to shoot them in the face well you do but you don't want to miss them you know if you could just shoot them in the head that'd be ideal yeah you know the face is the head yeah you're right what you mean side of the head no you really want to go for the heart the lungs you go for the body that's how you uh that's how you usually stop them because you can miss the head and graze their nose blow their face off that happens sometimes like deer get their face blown off someone tries for a head shot and they miss and then the animal still running around with half a face well I was just trying to be funny me too I just failed my part failed do you think you could ever do it you ever thought about going hunting I think I could I don't know I'm not a patient person I'm very I need stuff to happen right away.

[307] So, yeah, I don't, I don't know.

[308] I actually, only time I've ever, it was in Mississippi when I was a kid, my aunt stayed in the country.

[309] I sold the Mississippi.

[310] It was a small town, it was very country.

[311] So they were wild hogs around there, and I had a shotgun, and I was able to shoot one shot off at a pig, and I missed.

[312] So that was my only, that was my only experience with hunting.

[313] I fished once and caught a fish, and now it was pretty cool.

[314] but yeah maybe I could do it it would be a different experience just to be in that just that type of life and just knowing that you know it's people that do that a lot just seeing that that type of the world like I for my pilot for Comedy Central I worked on a goat farm actually whoa where they milked the goats they you know they they sell goat milk and everything there and they got the billy goats and then it was real, it was really different just being in that, in that, uh, in that environment where this is these people, this is what they do for a living and they just live off goats.

[315] They, you know, milk, yeah, they milk goats.

[316] They got goat cheese.

[317] They got goat lip balm and this crazy thing, you know.

[318] So that was, that was real cool.

[319] So I am interested in that world.

[320] I don't know if I could, I could probably visit it.

[321] You're urbanized?

[322] Yeah, I'm urbanized to the core, I think.

[323] Maybe we'll get older, you know, maybe we'll get older.

[324] I would, you know, try some different stuff and do it for an extended amount of time.

[325] But right now, I'm pretty comfortable.

[326] Yeah, no, look, cities are definitely an awesome invention.

[327] Yeah.

[328] What a great idea to cut all that nonsense out.

[329] Yeah.

[330] But the thing I found about is that nonsense or hunting and fishing, too.

[331] They're fun.

[332] Yeah.

[333] They're fun on some weird visceral level.

[334] It's funny.

[335] Yeah.

[336] You probably, yeah, it probably feels good to go through that where you kill the animal, you do the skin it, and you eat it.

[337] and you make it.

[338] Yeah.

[339] You did it all.

[340] It has to feel, yeah, real fulfilling.

[341] And, you know, that's, I mean, that's what we used to do as humans.

[342] Do you think you'd be interested in going hunting on a TV show?

[343] Would you be interested in doing it?

[344] Probably.

[345] Yeah, I'd go hunting on a TV show.

[346] I think that's a great idea for a show.

[347] I think that's the next show.

[348] Like, Steve Rinella, this guy from the host of Media and I have been trying to think of a show.

[349] Yeah.

[350] I think the show is taking comedians hunting.

[351] I think that's Look that's something that It's a very controversial thing too Really?

[352] I mean I don't find it I think if you're a mediator You can't really find it If you're meat either Controversal What you're talking about for vegetarians?

[353] Vegetarians have an issue with it But really dummies It's very controversial with dummies You know dummies love to knee jerk on that Like oh you want to shoot an animal Is that what you want to do You want to kill animals You're a badass If you're really a badass So why don't you use a knife?

[354] Like they'll say something.

[355] Why don't you use your bare hands?

[356] Yeah, because you'd fucking lose.

[357] Oh, bitch, what team are you want?

[358] It's people are interested in that.

[359] You know what's funny with people, like, not a vegetarian debate, but my girlfriend is vegetarian and kosher, but eats fish.

[360] Huh.

[361] But, and I try to say, that's not true vegetarian.

[362] At all.

[363] It's eat salmon.

[364] And then only certain types of fish, though.

[365] Like wild fish?

[366] Only kosher fish.

[367] Only kosher fish.

[368] Oh, she's crazy.

[369] You got to get away from her.

[370] No, she's good.

[371] That's voodoo.

[372] That's voodoo.

[373] Cosher is voodoo.

[374] Do you know that is?

[375] It's voodoo.

[376] I try to say, like, that's old rules.

[377] Like, why don't they update it?

[378] Well, you know, they use that as, like, in certain slaughterhouses.

[379] They have to have a rabbi come and they have to use a knife.

[380] Like, the slaughterhouse, we filmed Fear Factor in a slaughterhouse.

[381] And that was the first time in my life that I recognized very clearly that.

[382] that places contain memories.

[383] They contain something, some feeling of some shit that went down there.

[384] Yeah.

[385] Because the moment I walked into that slaughterhouse, like the moment, like, as you get closer to it, you park your car, you get out of your car, start walking towards the door, you feel heavy.

[386] Yeah?

[387] You feel it.

[388] You could feel it.

[389] You feel weird shit in that place.

[390] You're walking around.

[391] It might be psychological, but it might also be that place is still buzzing with a million fucking slaughtered cows freakouts because it feels like it it feels like a spot where if you came around that spot if you were like in the old school Game of Thrones days and you came over a hill and you might stop why does this place feel fucking shitty what happened here Joe that feeling also could have been man I'm about to make as strange as eat bugs there was no eating bugs it was a simple task they had to dunk their head in vats of blood and pull out cow hearts with their teeth but you felt the vibe of that place I'm probably full of shit I know I was high as fuck so I might have just been tricking myself in thinking a lot of people get mad sometimes at what I say you know you fucking doesn't you make any sense shit doesn't even make sense to me alright relax yeah people get upset about opinions it's easy to you have to kind of people you gotta take yourself out of yourself sometimes remember like oh yeah that's just the person saying stuff you also got to be able to poke holes in your own theories you have to like right there like I'm telling you I felt this weird crazy thing but the reality is I was highly highly lit up on marijuana I mean I was lit up you should shoot that show high I would do every episode high as fuck so high sometimes that I forget how to talk right I could never I was the only way I could do it enjoy it yeah it was so preposterous after like eight or nine episodes I was like wow this is the most and I was like god damn this show is gonna it's gonna stay on TV you know I'm On the one hand, I definitely wanted to stay on TV.

[392] So, you know, it was great, great job.

[393] A lot of nice people I worked with.

[394] The money was great.

[395] NBC was great.

[396] But on the other hand, I'm like, oh, my God, how can I keep doing this?

[397] Yeah.

[398] I don't know if I can keep doing this.

[399] So it was like a beautiful job, but a job.

[400] But a job that I could do high.

[401] Right.

[402] Then it became fun.

[403] Once I could do it high.

[404] That's funny.

[405] Because I never smoked weed before TV appearances, anything on TV, but people think I'm high on TV all the time.

[406] Well, if you got tested, you would be high.

[407] I think what you're talking about is, like, intoxicated or affected.

[408] There's two different things.

[409] You know what I'm saying?

[410] No. I'm always affected by weed, always.

[411] Yeah.

[412] Like, basically medicated by weed, but I'm not always high.

[413] Right.

[414] But I'm affected.

[415] You mean because you might have smoked a couple days ago or something like that?

[416] Even a day ago, two days ago.

[417] I'm talking like when I went out, because there was a period where I really didn't even smoke weed for a few years.

[418] years and even then people will say are you high on stage are you high right now you must be well you have a stoner's style of comedy in a lot of ways well i i mean it's it's sounds like a negative but it's a positive you're a thinking comedian you you're a really funny writer like you take like like really hilarious absurd turns in your comedy and it's fun to listen to yeah so like when you hear that you go oh this guy's high as fuck he's coming up to shy i guess i get annoyed because i'm like if you if i was high do you know how bad this would be if I was having what's up with all these lights who's that what he's looking at me for why's he staring at me why's the guy with the camera staring at me or you'd get used to it and it would be like everything else I guess so the first time I ever got high on stage I it was like skiing downhill when you don't know how to stop yeah it worked yeah I made it to the bottom I didn't crash it was like one of my best sets ever but I didn't do it again for like ten years I was terrified yeah I was terrified I just got high with some friends and never quite sobered up.

[419] And then I'm like, shit, I got to go do comedy.

[420] And I went on stage just accidentally high.

[421] Yeah.

[422] It was great, but I was terrified.

[423] I've done it slightly high recently.

[424] I can't be blitz.

[425] I can't be blazed.

[426] If I'm blazed, if I'm too blazed, I just got to leave.

[427] If there's a public place, a bunch of people, if I'm too blaze, I'm, all right, see y 'all later.

[428] I'm going home to my safe place.

[429] There's definitely times when you can fuck up.

[430] you just get i went his a there was a um a professional jihitsu tournament that i went to that a friend of mine was competing in and we went to watch him and support him and um after the the jihitsu tournament who went backstage and um we were uh we were all on these pot edibles that this friend had given us and they were pills and my friend said only take one don't take two i listened to him i took one my friend eddie took two yeah edie bravo took two and I was talking to this dude and I was just way too high to be talking to anybody and the dude that I was talking to is just a straight killer and he's a weird killer he's a guy who had a reputation like he got in a street fight and actually killed a guy with a triangle they had to revive the guy he held on to the triangle they got an altercation on the side of a highway he got out I think he his friend fought the guy first and then he fought the guy I don't know the whole story.

[431] So it was one of those regular fight where the guy was a regular, was one person was trying to square up like a regular person, and the other person was like, I fight for a living.

[432] Exactly.

[433] I don't want to say the dude's name because he wound up actually going to jail for rape.

[434] He raped some chick allegedly.

[435] I mean, I don't know what happened, but he got arrested for raping.

[436] Now all of your fans.

[437] Well, I mean, I don't know what happened.

[438] M .A. Rapeist.

[439] So that the guy, he actually had to, like, skip town.

[440] He took off, and then they caught him because he was doing jujitsu.

[441] He couldn't stop doing jujitsu.

[442] He loved jiu -jitsu so much that he was, he went to a gym, and he was strangling motherfuckers.

[443] And people couldn't believe how good he was.

[444] And there's a certain level where, like, when you get to, like, a brown belt level or a black belt level, some guy can manhandle you.

[445] You're like, who is this guy?

[446] Like, this is something crazy.

[447] Like, have you competed before?

[448] like who are you like why are you so good this guy was just that good he was just strangling all these people so it arose a bunch of suspicion so they checked out his name and they're like wow that's that dude wanted for rape so I'm there super high as fuck before the rape charge super high as fuck talking to this guy and I'm like man something is wrong with this motherfucker I'm like picking up a vibration a vibration in his soul he's willing to go to dark places if you fuck with him yeah like this is the wrong dude to fuck with and then a couple months later he's running from the police doing jiu -jitsu as a nom de plur damn that's crazy I love it so much I can't not do it it's like once you get really good at it it becomes like a video game but like imagine if you could play a video game in real life where you actually get to do all the killing and the other guys really don't even have a good shot of killing you yeah go ahead try try to choke me you know that's how good this guy was he was world class so he was world class so he would just he couldn't resist he wanted to go there and just strangle a bunch of men you know I don't know what it was I mean somebody might have fuck with him when he was young and he never forgot it and he you know that happens to a lot of guys they have like childhood abuse somebody kicks their ass when they're a kid and they just become this fucking savage because of that they develop that defensive mechanism you know I enjoy fighting but when I watch it like fighting comes on I enjoy watching it I enjoy watching it yeah Yeah, I enjoy watching, fight, and MMA or boxing.

[449] But just because it's fascinating, like, yo, these dudes attack each other for a living.

[450] Like, that's all they do.

[451] Yeah.

[452] It's a hard way to make a living.

[453] Like, watching dudes.

[454] Like, I'm a pun.

[455] Like, that's crazy.

[456] Like, this is my dream.

[457] This is what I want to do.

[458] I want to fight people.

[459] And I'm willing to take the chance that I might get knocked out in front of thousands of people and millions watching at home.

[460] I don't often recommend people get high before sporting events.

[461] But if there's a sporting event, you should definitely get high at least once and be there live.

[462] It's a UFC.

[463] Yeah.

[464] Oh, yeah.

[465] My friends do it all the time, you know, especially in places like California where it's legal.

[466] Yeah.

[467] They're not really interested in breaking any laws.

[468] Right.

[469] Colorado, where it's legal.

[470] Washington State, where it's legal.

[471] Washington State last time we went up there, you could smell weed all throughout the place.

[472] Really?

[473] Who walked out, it's stunk of weed.

[474] In the state?

[475] Yeah.

[476] Vancouver, too.

[477] You go up to Vancouver.

[478] You go out.

[479] There's a UFC in Vancouver.

[480] The whole place smells like weed.

[481] People just light up.

[482] They just keep it low and light.

[483] up right in the stands.

[484] Fuck it.

[485] Yeah, man. Just to, I mean, watching probably watching somebody get knocked out high.

[486] It would be crazy to me. Live.

[487] Yeah, choked out, live's crazy, but it's also watching how goddamn good they are.

[488] You know, when you're super tuned in, you know, for people who don't get high, the idea behind it is like, well, yeah, if there's something you should get drunk and go do, it's go get drunk and watch the Super Bowl.

[489] Duh.

[490] You know, that's a stupid thing to say.

[491] But when I'm saying, get high and watch mixed martial arts, you don't have to watch UFC.

[492] Watch some kickboxing when you watch anything like high level athletics where two dudes have a lot at stake which is what it is you're so tuned in to what they're doing you're so the whole thing is like electrifying right before i used to work for the ufc i never i never do the ufc high ever but before i used to work for the ufc i used to love to get barbecue and watch the fights yeah it was awesome so the whole thing is such a such a wild experience like primal experience you know yeah and when you're baked you just tune into it Yeah, it's just a, man, I couldn't imagine getting just, well, I've seen some of the highlights of fights where it's just crazy.

[493] Like, a guy is getting his ass whipped, and all of a sudden, he's whooping up the ass, like, but getting destroyed.

[494] Like, not like the guy got a couple punches in, like, this dude is bloody.

[495] He was just getting destroyed, like, oh, he's about to look.

[496] And then all of a sudden, he has this dude in a fucking rear -necked choke or something.

[497] And the dude is tapping down.

[498] Like, how did that happen?

[499] How was he able to take 15 punches to the face?

[500] It happens all the time, too.

[501] And they still win the fight.

[502] There's certain dudes that you can just take it.

[503] That's one of the things that you learn when you watch MMA.

[504] Yeah.

[505] All that all men are created equal bullshit?

[506] Yeah.

[507] That's a dirty, stinky lie that will fuck you over if you believe it.

[508] All men are not created equal.

[509] No. Not even a little bit.

[510] There's some dudes that can do shit you can do.

[511] All right, you can't move like Anderson Silva.

[512] Period.

[513] If you're some dude who thinks that all men are created equal and you get in there with Anderson Silva, that fucking guy moves like a, he moves like he's in another dimension.

[514] Yeah.

[515] Most guys can't handle that.

[516] Okay, but I understand the exercise.

[517] You exercise your body, you know, legs, back, arms, abs, abs, chest.

[518] You can work that.

[519] But how do you make your face strong?

[520] It's a lot of it's genetics.

[521] It's genetic.

[522] Like, how can you just take punches in the?

[523] face did not pass out i can't i mean i can i can i can you know i've been hitting the face many times but i know i don't like it and i know i don't think anybody like i don't like it i don't like it i don't like it maybe there's a few people that do like it but i don't like it's some dudes who get fired up by it but yeah there's some guys that take a shot way better you know i don't have an extraordinary ability to take a shot but i don't have a i don't have a weak chin either some guys it's really weird like um it could be past trauma it could be that they've been hitting the head too many times but some guys just can't take a shot at all it's weird they just they get hit like half decent and they get wobbly whereas like some dudes like Pacific Islanders like Samoans yeah god damn those dudes are known for me able to take a shot like David Tua you ever see David Tua fight no he's a heavyweight boxer fought like he had like crazy potential he lost to Lennox Lewis when Lennox Lewis was on the top yeah but David Tua was crushing people He knocked out John Ruiz.

[524] Pull up David Tua versus John Ruiz.

[525] This was when they were both contenders before Ruiz won the title.

[526] And David Tua knocked him out in one round.

[527] David Tua was terrifying because he could hit like a train and his head was like fire hydrant -sized.

[528] And he could just bang!

[529] You could just take him in the face.

[530] There he is.

[531] Which is scary, right?

[532] Oh, my God.

[533] And you see there, Olympic bronze medalist in 92.

[534] I mean, he was a serious, serious athlete.

[535] So it wasn't just that he could take a great punch.

[536] He was also an elite boxer.

[537] I mean, David Tua, in his prime, he's one of the guys that gets looked past.

[538] Like, on any given night, David Tua might have been able to beat everyone in the world.

[539] It's just putting together those nights over and over and over again.

[540] Look at this.

[541] Boom!

[542] Ruiz is hurt.

[543] Look at this motherfucker.

[544] Come on, son.

[545] How good was David Tua?

[546] Terrify you.

[547] That's the most embarrassing when half of you is outside of the ring.

[548] That's worse than, it's just something more demoralizing about that.

[549] And your wife is there and shit.

[550] Yeah, dude, he got fucked up.

[551] Your kids are crying.

[552] The world was denied David Tua versus Mike Tyson.

[553] It's a denial.

[554] Like, the world lost something because those two never fought.

[555] Oh, man. I mean, goddamn David Tua was good.

[556] Lennox fought Tyson, but Tyson was already.

[557] You know, look at his, he's out cold.

[558] But Tyson was already, you know, past his prime, and he had chemical problems then.

[559] He was doing coke, apparently.

[560] So do you think when, like, say, like, David Tua was probably heavily favored for that fight, right?

[561] I don't know who was favored, because John Ruiz is a stud, man. John Ruiz is, you know, he won the title.

[562] He beat some really high -level guys.

[563] Like, John Ruiz is a real good boxer.

[564] Okay.

[565] David Tud just caught him.

[566] But I just mean, like, say a fight.

[567] fight with tours against somebody.

[568] Tua's highly favorite, but this other guy has his team there that everybody's hyped.

[569] Like, you got to get him.

[570] But do you think there's people in that team?

[571] Like, man, he's about to get his ass with him.

[572] Of course.

[573] You got to get rid of those people, man. There's people on your team that will say that to you, man. Don't fight that dude.

[574] You go, what the fuck, man?

[575] You can't say that shit.

[576] You do need to hear that, though.

[577] You know, you do need to hear that.

[578] Yeah.

[579] I would want that.

[580] You need it.

[581] I mean, but it also is It's a job, too, where they're like, well, he probably going to whip my ass butt.

[582] Mortgages do.

[583] There's certain dudes, like, here's a perfect example.

[584] When Vinnie Pazienza fought Roy Jones Jr., someone should have pulled Vinny aside and went, listen, dude, don't fight this guy.

[585] Yeah.

[586] Like, this is not the guy for you.

[587] Not right now.

[588] Did he beat the first round or something?

[589] He was the only guy ever Vinnie Pazienza was to never score a single punch in a round, ever.

[590] Roy Jones hit him at will.

[591] and he literally couldn't hit Roy Jones was when Roy Jones was in The Matrix and was dancing in...

[592] Roy Jones went through like a series of years where everybody was like oh he's got no competition you know it's too bad there's not another really good fighter it's not there's not a really good fighter he's just he's so fucking good that he makes everybody else look like they don't belong in there with him guys who in any other era were bad motherfuckers right dude this is Roy Jones when he was he was the best ever in my opinion he was the most impressive fighter ever for a period of you know a few years do you remember his rap song yeah y 'all must have forgot this is when he finished Pasey ends at the end of the fight god damn he was good or is this the first round this is the first round this was when Roy Jones Jr. He was literally perfect he had reflexes that no one could fuck with completely unorthodox style very rarely used a jab used leaping left hooks as much as he used a jab and was just so fucking fast man you just couldn't catch up with that rhythm his rhythm was so fast it was just it would fuck with guys because they'd get in there and you got a certain expectation of how long it's going to take four guy hits you so like if you're here and he's here maybe something could come here maybe with Roy Jones goes and he'd be like oh shit I can't get away from those I don't even know when those are coming Yeah I saw I went to Mayweather Canello Oh that was a masterful work Yeah Masterful I never seen Mayweather live And I knew it was great obviously But when you see him live You see how fast he is Like so much faster And Canello was only 21 or something Mayweather was 37 Yeah And he was way faster than him And just dodged everything He anticipated every movie It was crazy to see how fast And just skilled he was what it also is it's not just fast he's really good yeah he's really good technically and by that what i mean is that for folks who just watch like a guy box you're seeing a guy move around you go oh well this guy's trying to hit this guy and that guy's trying to avoid it but there's a language going on just like when you're speaking in a conversation just like when two people are speaking like if you and i were talking and we're having a good conversation it's because I'm recognizing what you're saying and you recognize what I'm saying and we're combining our thoughts together.

[593] We're laughing and having some fun.

[594] There's like a flow to it.

[595] But you can have a conversation with some other person who just gets real aggressive with you and you don't want to talk because you're intimidated or you start stuttering in your words because you know this you think this guy's going to bark at you or you're worried that you're saying something wrong because they're being very judgmental towards you.

[596] And so then the conversation takes you.

[597] on a completely different flow.

[598] Well, that's what fighting is.

[599] Fighting is like that.

[600] It's like there's like movements and there's movements that get you to react and then there's recognizing your movements and your patterns and playing off of them interrupting those patterns, just like when someone's argumentative and they interrupt you in mid -conversation to refute the first couple things you say and it throws you off.

[601] You can't keep, you try to finish your thought but it's not the same thought as it was because the guy blocked you.

[602] That's like a guy gets hit, but he still tries to punch the guy out of range, knowing the guy's out of range, but just to let them, it's really essentially the same thing.

[603] Yeah.

[604] So what Mayweather is in his mastery is like a masterful physical conversationalist.

[605] He knows how to control the action.

[606] That's, that's a weird thing.

[607] It's like there's a voodoo to that.

[608] Yeah.

[609] When a guy's at his best, like a Roy Jones in his prime or a Mayweather right now, there's a voodoo to the way they move.

[610] Right.

[611] You think Mayweather he'll, he won't, he won't get beat before he retires, do you think?

[612] I worry about him beating himself.

[613] I worry about him doing something crazy.

[614] Like, you heard what happened with those guys that were working for him?

[615] Some jewelry went up missing.

[616] He had these guys allegedly.

[617] Allegedly.

[618] They got the shit beat out of them.

[619] But now it's all seems to go away.

[620] No charges have been filed, which is the right way to handle it.

[621] Just sorry.

[622] Apparently the guys weren't the people who stole the jewelry.

[623] But look, I'm hearing 18th hand stories.

[624] I don't know what the fuck really happened.

[625] Let's pretend nothing ever happened It was a total misunderstanding What I worry is that something like that would happen And then he would wind up going to jail again I mean I just think the guy If you're a boxing fan I think he's one of the best ever I think he's like a as far as like an athlete I think Mayweather's like a national hero Yeah I mean not a national hero Like a national treasure you know It's like you should really pay attention to this Because this is very rare That a guy is this much better than everybody around him Yeah Nobody can touch him.

[626] He's standing in front of a murderous puncher in Canelo Averas.

[627] And Canello's all frustrated and flustered.

[628] He just can't hit the dude.

[629] It's just funny.

[630] I always hear people say, Mayweather's arrogant.

[631] Yeah, he's arrogant.

[632] He punches people in the face for a living, and he's never lost it.

[633] And he's not punching regular people.

[634] He's punching other people in the face that also punch people in the face for a living.

[635] Yes, he's arrogant.

[636] And he's done it over and over and over for millions of dollars, and that's all he does.

[637] You can't be not arrogant and be that good.

[638] You can not display it.

[639] Yeah.

[640] You can do better at hiding it.

[641] But that's tough.

[642] But with him, the thing is about hiding it wouldn't be necessarily beneficial financially.

[643] Yeah, if it's better to create that persona.

[644] People want to see him lose.

[645] Yeah.

[646] Like, I think 20, 30 % of the people that buy a Mayweather ticket are trying to see him lose.

[647] I would say more.

[648] 50?

[649] It depends on who he's fighting.

[650] Yeah.

[651] Well, yeah.

[652] That's true.

[653] But I mean, like, no matter who he's a ticket.

[654] he's fighting.

[655] It was a lot of Mexican flags in the stadium when I was there.

[656] That's true, but I think there's some people that pay to see him lose to anybody, whether it's Canelo Alvarez, with Filipinos, whether it's many pack out, anybody.

[657] They just want to see this motherfucker lose.

[658] Ricky Hatten!

[659] Here we go.

[660] They were so disappointed that English people thought this is the guy.

[661] He said to fucking come over here and beat Floyd Maywe.

[662] Couldn't even touch that dude.

[663] Hasn't he had a downward spiral since then?

[664] Hadden.

[665] Hadden did, yeah.

[666] He got knocked out by pack out really bad after Mayweather knocked him out.

[667] Mayweather knocked him out but Mayweather like he hit him with the left hook but he just outboxed him masterfully and then caught him on the chin and wobbled him and then finished him off but Mani Pacquil slept him.

[668] He caught him after that fight so it was two bad knockouts and then you know he took a lot of time off and started hitting the white yeah Ricky had need to get in the supplement's business he needs to diversify Well, he came back.

[669] He got a, had a Coke problem for a while, got crazy, you know, did a lot of partying, you know, got depressed.

[670] And then got right back into it, got back in shape and had a fight, lost the fight.

[671] But I think he decided after that he just couldn't perform at the same level anymore and he was going to retire.

[672] Yeah.

[673] But you've got to realize for him, if you're listening, Ricky, you can't expect you bought it to bounce completely back with one fight after he did Coke for five years.

[674] You know?

[675] I mean, I don't know what they told you.

[676] does but you need to give yourself some recovery time yeah you know coke set in this i know people who did coke in the 70s they have like serious neuromuscular problems oh shit yeah people like a lot of old people that did a lot of coke like way back when they developed like all sorts of like weird nervous problems weird weird weird issues with controlling their bodies you know like there's a direct connection a lot of people have with with richard prior went through when he was older with all the Coke that he did when he was younger Yeah, so don't do that much Coke Coke in moderation everybody Coat in light moderation if you have to If that, don't do it at all I also think it's a real problem With Coke being illegal You don't know what the fuck you're getting You get Coke mixed with some speed Yeah Well, you know the government can't go that far And legalize Coke Do you don't think so?

[677] What about decriminalizing?

[678] You think that's possible?

[679] That still would make it, it still would be, I think it would still had the same problems, right?

[680] But what, I mean, how much worse, I've never done Coke?

[681] How much worse is Coke than alcohol?

[682] When you see someone who's really fucked up, drunk, violent, I've seen people that are dudes who become totally rapy when they get drunk, just grabbing girls outside of clubs.

[683] Yeah, bitch.

[684] I've seen people get crazy.

[685] Come on, girl, what the fuck?

[686] You too good for me?

[687] I think it's a tough comparison just because.

[688] of how people take them.

[689] You know what I mean?

[690] Like people, you might have eight shots of liquor.

[691] But for the most part, people, I mean, there's some people definitely that's on the extreme side, but you're not going to keep on just, like, hidden.

[692] Right.

[693] That is a problem, right?

[694] That once you feed that monkey, you want to keep feeding it.

[695] Yeah.

[696] That's a difference, right?

[697] You could also get kind of crazy, apparently, when you've been doing coke all night.

[698] Like, you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

[699] You know, just have energy, and you just feel smarter than you are.

[700] Well, that's how you are when you're drunk, too, right?

[701] You're drunk, you're half -retarded, and you think you're fine.

[702] Yeah, but you don't slur as much on Coke.

[703] Right, but you talk more.

[704] Talk more, yeah.

[705] That is one of the most brutal things ever.

[706] Talking to a drunk person when you're sober or talking to a cokehead when you're so.

[707] Which would you rather?

[708] I would rather talk to, probably to a Coke -head, because they probably at least have some ideas and shit.

[709] And even if the ideas aren't that great, I would be in my sober mind, so I'd be able to tweak it to my advantage.

[710] Yeah.

[711] Oh, okay.

[712] Or like counter and actually kind of guide the conversation a little bit.

[713] Yeah, you know Mike Young?

[714] Do you know Mike Young, the comedian?

[715] I know who that is.

[716] He had a great joke about Cokeheads that they always want to start businesses with you.

[717] It's so true, man People will come up to you with, like, grand plans Yeah, dude, I mean, I have ADD, But I don't have an Adderall prescription But I get it sometime I get Adderall sometimes And when I take an Adirot at the beginning of the day Man, I just crush life, dude I book all my flights for the next month and a half Just get shit done, right?

[718] I just get shit done, I write, I make lists I handle stuff in my apartment and just handle the stuff on Adderall.

[719] I'm a legit ADD, I think.

[720] Do you think that, okay, when someone says I'm a legit ADD, I believe you, and I'm not questioning you, but isn't you're talking about the effects of a stimulant, though?

[721] Right.

[722] I mean, when people do stimulants, that's what happens.

[723] Yeah, but I think, because I don't get to the point where I'm like, like, because some people take Adderall and they'll go, they'll be really hype, but for me, you wouldn't be able to tell, that I'm pumped up, you know what I mean?

[724] But you have much more energy.

[725] But I have much more energy and just focus and I just handle stuff.

[726] Whereas I normally, you know, I'll get on the Internet and just, I go, you know, on my computer with plants and just end up dicking around on Twitter or looking at it.

[727] I'll get caught up in a YouTube wormhole, you know what I mean?

[728] YouTube wormhole.

[729] I get in those.

[730] Oh, man. It's a waste.

[731] Have you ever tried modafinil?

[732] Do you know what that is?

[733] I don't know what that is.

[734] Is that your other supplement?

[735] it?

[736] No, no, no. That's a pharmaceutical.

[737] Yeah.

[738] It's a smart drug.

[739] There's New Vigil and Pro Vigil.

[740] Pro Vigil was the original one, I think, and Nuvigil is the newer version.

[741] Anyway, I've only tried Nuvigil, but apparently the effects are very similar.

[742] It's this weird smart drug, and what it does is it just gives you energy.

[743] When you're exhausted, like say if you, like last night I got a decent amount of sleep, I have six hours.

[744] I have kids, so six hours is pretty good.

[745] So I feel pretty good But if you get three hours and you're like Fuck I gotta do a bunch of shit today You can take one of these new vigils And it's not like coffee It's not like that weird When I when I'm like really tired But I drink coffee I get that buzzy but dull thing Like I'm kind of stupid But I'm moving around normal This is not like that This is like it alleviates the sleepiness Gone, it's all gone And now you have energy And so it's amazing Yeah Yeah, I need stuff like that Because I got, you know, with stand up and working on shows And press stuff A lot of energy Yeah, especially for press If I had to do morning press on the road Man, just to get through those interviews And just to be on point I have to have something Well, folks don't realize And we, you know What are you fucking complain about?

[746] You got to be there like six in the morning And you work till like 10 o 'clock at night On the most, you know, most nights even later Yeah It's not even, it's just a thing Well, just to be on point, it's not and I try not to have to complain about just because it's part of the job and I'd rather do it than work construction any day.

[747] But sometimes mentally it's tough to do a more than an interview.

[748] But if I have, you know, take out of all before, then I'm snappy.

[749] I got jokes.

[750] I got anecdotes.

[751] And then I can kind of, I know sometimes now I've learned how to, you've got to take an interview over sometimes or go on or not go on a rant, but you have to not let them, you know, just because they can get into that cutting off your jokes and hey, funny man, Hannibal Barrett, and just cut you off with their widows.

[752] So just learning how to do that and just having the energy and focus to be able to is real helpful.

[753] Yeah, the morning radio thing, if like they're good, it's great.

[754] It's real fun.

[755] It's real fun.

[756] If they're good and pro and support it and set you up and but then sometimes they just like, so what's funny in the world right now?

[757] Like, motherfucker you for asking me that.

[758] I did an interview.

[759] The other day, the guy asked me that exact question.

[760] What's making you laugh right now?

[761] Say, Hannibal, what are you talking about on stage?

[762] Oh, man. That's another one they do.

[763] Yeah, somebody asked me that before a show I was doing in New York.

[764] What are you going to talk about?

[765] The fan just came up like, what are we talking about today?

[766] Like, you now?

[767] You.

[768] You know, there's some dudes that would go, well, here's my new piece.

[769] It's all about how man is constricted by first his mom and then his wife.

[770] And then ultimately his lawyer.

[771] Yeah.

[772] Yeah, I mean, I guess the thing is just, I try to remember that people aren't coming from a shitty place normally.

[773] Right.

[774] They just don't know how to communicate to me in a way that won't make me feel cynical and hate them.

[775] You know what I mean?

[776] So I got to keep that in mind.

[777] But in the moment, it's like, motherfucker, they just ask me what's funny in the world right now?

[778] For someone who's not a comic, they wouldn't understand how awkward that would be.

[779] Like what you like when you can go on a radio show?

[780] And they just let you talk, right?

[781] Just hang out.

[782] Let's just hang out and talk about stuff.

[783] Yeah, it's great.

[784] Bounce back and forth from each other.

[785] It's not a lot of them that can do that, though.

[786] That's the problem.

[787] Do you ever do those radio tours where you have to call like 10 different people?

[788] And then you realize like eight of them have the same voice?

[789] Like almost exactly.

[790] Well, it's just a radio voice.

[791] I don't know what, when it was tested.

[792] When it was a study that people like, people like to listen to this right here.

[793] We're live here in Nashville.

[794] We got Hannibal.

[795] words in the studio.

[796] We're live here in Cincinnati.

[797] We got Hannibal.

[798] There's a couple versions of that.

[799] There's a couple versions of that where it's just, you know.

[800] There's the sports guy as well.

[801] Gus Johnson here for showtime.

[802] There's the news guy.

[803] It's just the same as rappers, though, too.

[804] Like rappers, rap boys.

[805] You talk to a rapper they might sound like me. But then when in their rap, they're like, you know what it is?

[806] Yeah, right.

[807] It's a persona.

[808] It's just a persona that, you know, works for that situation i like it though i like the the gus johnson type voice like of a guy's uh like when i say that about gus johnson i'm not putting up down like i like that professional here we are madison square garden i don't want a guy who's like hey all right me like me like i'm like me like i when i do the ufc there's a reason why i'm the color guy and i'm not the play by play guy i don't do the big here we are ufc 152 like those guys are important like yeah i like that i mean it is pageantry yeah it's pageantry there's a reason why i don't do that's a reason why Michael Buffett works.

[809] Well, yeah, that's even more so because he's an announcer.

[810] It's an announcer, yeah.

[811] Let's get ready to rumble.

[812] There's pageantry to all that.

[813] Yeah, this pageantry, yeah.

[814] Yeah, I'm not putting it down.

[815] It is weird with radio.

[816] It's weird radio.

[817] Radio, because you don't have to talk, like, radio's different because it's supposed to be your personality.

[818] You know what I mean?

[819] Right.

[820] Like, sports, that's a sports guy.

[821] The news is the news, but radio is supposed to be your vibe.

[822] But then you sound like the dude in St. Louis also.

[823] You sound like the dude who's all over the place.

[824] It's selling every guy.

[825] You know another place where that exists?

[826] What's that?

[827] Strip Club DJs.

[828] Ah, yeah.

[829] I've been trying to analyze this for many years.

[830] And I think with strip club DJs, it's like, no one wants to hear a dude talking while girls are dancing naked.

[831] You do not want to hear that guy.

[832] So he's got to make it like a song.

[833] Like, all right, coming to the stage.

[834] It's Amber.

[835] Remember everybody, $14.

[836] He's like, there's an entertainment aspect to what he's doing.

[837] It's like he's almost like he's singing a song.

[838] But have you been to a black strip club in Atlanta, though?

[839] No. Those DJs are the most amazing DJs vocally ever.

[840] Really?

[841] Because they drive the tipping.

[842] You know what I mean?

[843] They cut in it out and they crack jokes.

[844] Last one I was, it's just so funny.

[845] It's like, man, you need to pay the pussy.

[846] Like, they tip that pussy.

[847] Y 'all motherfuckers in here.

[848] Y 'all ain't spending money.

[849] They'll drop the track.

[850] They cut the track back out.

[851] Spend some motherfuck of money.

[852] Look what she's doing up there.

[853] She's up there.

[854] The Atlanta DJs and strip club, amazing.

[855] Only Atlanta?

[856] Atlanta, probably just other black strip clubs.

[857] Like the DJ drives that shit and is the driving force and is an entertainer in addition to it.

[858] He adds to it.

[859] See, now I'm weighing the potential dangers of going to a black strip club in Atlanta with the entertainment aspect of how amazing it must be.

[860] It's not that dangerous, man. For a guy like me?

[861] No, it's not.

[862] Like, Joe Rogan, what's up?

[863] Chappelle's show.

[864] I'm sure.

[865] I'm sure.

[866] I need to go.

[867] If I go with you.

[868] If I go with you, I can slide right in.

[869] I'm not even that plugged in.

[870] I play cover.

[871] But no, I'm telling you.

[872] Yeah, in the black strip club, the DJs, the right.

[873] Are they famous ones?

[874] I don't know the names of it.

[875] But you go to somewhere, Magic City or a few other ones in Atlanta, the DJ is, is important and makes the strippers more money and the strippers probably end up tipping out the DJ at the end of the night I'm sure yeah they have like an arranger right yeah my friend Eddie used to work at a strip club I used to go and visit him at work watching who's a DJ so I got to see the craft yeah I got to see how everybody does it it's interesting the relationship they all have it becomes just like I mean you might as well be working in a restaurant everybody just develops the same sort of it's a workplace man exactly workplace where people get naked and that's it's weird because it's porn porn is like that too like those people get used to each other and it becomes just like any other normal see you later good jizzing on you see you soon that is probably funny when it's just somebody you fucked like two years ago oh good to see you again yeah I think they have a definitely a more relaxed attitude about it yeah you know if you run into somebody that used to fuck out of nowhere you're like hey hey yeah how you doing yeah this is me look at me I'll see you naked you see You take care.

[876] Don't mind that, Mo. It's weird when you haven't seen someone at 20 years, and you get to see, like, whoa, this is weird.

[877] This is weird.

[878] Hello, Nina Hartley.

[879] I met her.

[880] She's a very nice lady.

[881] She was doing Kevin Perey's podcast.

[882] Yeah.

[883] I sat in with her and talked for her for a while.

[884] She does everything with gloves on, man. Really?

[885] Yeah, she has, like, sex sessions of people.

[886] She puts, like, surgical gloves on one.

[887] Yeah, she does she?

[888] I think a lot of them, yeah, a lot of them do...

[889] Do you, like, corporate gigs?

[890] Corporates, in quotes.

[891] In quotes.

[892] I guess, sort of, yeah, in their way.

[893] I don't know.

[894] Corporates, not corporates, privates.

[895] Privates, yes.

[896] She probably does a lot of privates.

[897] Yeah, like, you know...

[898] Yeah, very few comics do privates.

[899] What would you do if someone said, hey, man, Hannibal Bress, I want you to come over and just do comedy just for me?

[900] I'm just a big comedy fan But I don't like home to comedy clubs Because it's fucking I don't like laughing around other people So would you just do your act for me And I'll pay you what you get paid For like a regular show For a packed house For No they have to charge them My corporate college rate Okay Corporate college rate I wouldn't want to do that So can I bring somebody with me Well now you're worried about your safety Don't worry The guy's only gonna masturbate He promises Nothing really crazy He just wants to watch you He's going to keep his pants Well, he'll keep a towel on Nah, I'm not doing that good Because I don't need the money that bad Because I got my own supplement business So I'm not You know, I could do stuff As I want to do it, you know All right, how about if the dude wears like a spacesuit?

[901] A space suit?

[902] Yeah, just sits there with a spacesuit on No masturbation How long have a set?

[903] Fucking full set, man Outline set For one dude For one dude Can I bring an opener?

[904] No, no opener You know, to warm up, he's going to watch your past specials.

[905] So I can't even, I can't even drop him that stuff.

[906] I got to do an hour new.

[907] Well, if he was a fan, man, you already know your shit.

[908] Imagine if you pay a dude to do a one -on -one show and it does bits, you already know.

[909] Like, what the fucker?

[910] That was the shit from your last special.

[911] All crowd work.

[912] So, what's up?

[913] This is crazy.

[914] Look at this place.

[915] Oh, shit.

[916] 50 gs that's my rate for that weird ass shit 50 g you know there's a dude out there thinking about it it's some fucking tech guy who's just super rich I'm gonna get Hannibal breast to just do stand up it would be less weird if it was him and his buddy that would be way less weird two dudes would be isn't it interesting like instantly it becomes less gay yeah because it's just also laughing at being in a comedy show So with some, it's about, like, looking over at the person, like, ha ha, ha, you know what I mean?

[917] Yeah.

[918] Like, doing the elbow.

[919] So just doing stand up for one person is weird as hell.

[920] Don't you find it's weird even to watch it on television?

[921] It, well, it's a little, the vibe is so much different.

[922] So much different.

[923] It's just a different energy and just, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, where I've had people to say they saw my stuff online or they saw stuff on TV, but then they saw me live and they're like, oh, shit, live, it was crazy.

[924] So it is just, it's hard to translate the true energy that's in the room and just that, that type of thing.

[925] Yeah, they don't tune into you when they're watching a video.

[926] They're just getting the words and the performance and they're laughing, but they're not tune into you.

[927] There's some dudes like, you'll see them on stage, like Brian Callan is a perfect example.

[928] Brian Callan, like, if you watch him in a video, he's hilarious.

[929] But if you watch him live, that dude, like, you tune into him.

[930] Yeah.

[931] It's infinitely better.

[932] Well, yeah, because the bits also, you know, you might.

[933] see a minute set out of somebody's hour set online, you know.

[934] Yeah.

[935] But then in somebody's hour club set or theater set, you didn't get to see how they enter and how they command at the room at the beginning and how what they did at the beginning to allow them to be able to go to a weird place later where the audience already has that trust.

[936] So it's a lot of different elements to live stand -up that get lost in the internet and TV.

[937] That's a great point.

[938] The building up, like, you know, like, I've had friends that were just starting out, and they'll do something like, they have a bit, and they'll do this bit, like, right away.

[939] And I'm like, you know what, man, the audience should probably get to know you better before you do that bit.

[940] Yeah.

[941] Like, let them gain your trust first and then do that bit.

[942] Yeah.

[943] Because the opening part of it, like, you're immediately, you have to know you're a good person for that to be funny.

[944] You got to know you're kidding.

[945] Right.

[946] Otherwise, it's just gross.

[947] Yeah, like, I got a joke about how the movie I spit on your grave.

[948] Have you seen that?

[949] Yeah.

[950] It's a weird movie.

[951] I do a bit about it, but I would never open with it.

[952] That joke is coming at least 25, 30 minutes in.

[953] Yeah, that's a touchy subject.

[954] Yeah.

[955] Isn't that weird?

[956] They have to have, like, trust in you.

[957] Yeah, they have to have trust.

[958] And, like, you can't, yeah, you have to establish you funny for a little bit.

[959] Yeah, and that's really hard, especially when you're starting out.

[960] People don't know you.

[961] You know, once they come to a Hannibal Perestro, they know who you are.

[962] They're here to see you.

[963] But if you, if you're starting out, man, if you're just a, first you know first year guy yeah like man you got to really get these people's attention like you got to figure out a way to get them and trust you because they're going to make a judgment calling you within a couple minutes was yeah they'll judge your outfit especially a black a black crowd would like why you're walking up like ah his shoes so you already lost half the audience his shoes are whack his shirt looks kind of weird fitting that's you already got to work hard yeah damn that's hilarious black club so much more um judgmental it's just uh i mean it's just a level of performance and just you know they demand more demand more and just you know the the best black comics has just been great performance you know what i mean so you talk about yeah just uh red fox and richard pri and burning like these eyes were not only you know great joke writers and stuff but they performed and they would crush and so it's just a higher standard for a performer also Also in black clubs or black showcase nights, the host is usually the star of the show a lot of the time.

[964] You know what I mean?

[965] Where on the road in an improv or Funny Bone, the emcee is local.

[966] Sometimes he's good, but for the most part, the host is not going to be that great, which is not cool because that's who's setting the tone for the show.

[967] And just that's who the first person in the audience seeing, you know, they got babysitters and all that.

[968] Nate, the host, the first person on stage is, eh, whereas the host at a black, is the, usually, you know, has a local following, is great crushes, does 20 or 30 up top sometimes.

[969] Wow.

[970] And so it's just a different thing.

[971] So then the next act has to be able to follow this amazing host with a great follow.

[972] So it ends up with a lot of comedians being, a lot of black comedians being real strong performers early on.

[973] That's interesting because, you know, Chris Rock said that about his career that, like, Like, one time he had to go on after Martin Lawrence.

[974] Yeah.

[975] And it was a turning point in his career because he realized that he had performed to too many white crowds.

[976] Yeah.

[977] And he was like, white crowds made him lazy.

[978] Like, he didn't even realize he had gotten into this sort of like lower energy sort of mode of performing.

[979] Yeah.

[980] Yeah, I was, I mean, I wouldn't say that it was black crowds.

[981] It gave me a shit.

[982] But I'm a little bit higher energy now than I was in my first CD.

[983] But that's just from playing.

[984] Oh, shit.

[985] That's just from playing bigger venues and learning.

[986] Joe just spilled.

[987] I spilled coffee.

[988] It's again on my fucking computer.

[989] This is unbelievable, man. I've done this like four times in the last month.

[990] Shit, man. You know what it is, man?

[991] I keep this coffee cup right here, and I talk with my fucking hands because I have peasant roots.

[992] Is that what that means?

[993] It's okay.

[994] The computer's going to be fine.

[995] Okay, cool, man. It was just a minor.

[996] Apple care.

[997] A little splitch.

[998] But it was.

[999] No, it wasn't.

[1000] They'll be like, bitch, this is the third time you came here.

[1001] You get the fuck out of here, stupid.

[1002] There's a 24 -hour Apple store in Manhattan.

[1003] That's got to be interesting.

[1004] It's very interesting because I needed to get a new iPhone last week, and I went in there faded and nothing.

[1005] The worst person in the world is a drunk with a customer service issue.

[1006] I was the worst, dude.

[1007] How drunk were you?

[1008] I was drunk enough to where I'm worried that they all hack into my shit.

[1009] Oh, that's hilarious It was pretty I feel bad about it I was just like Because the dude They weren't helpful I had missed my appointment I had a 1230 appointment I popped there at two I gave me a new phone I was the worst And the dude's name was Hey Seuss And I was like Come on Jesus And we were going back Because he wasn't He wasn't great to me But he also wasn't I was being a dick too You know what I mean And also I was drunk I felt bad about it I felt bad about it The next day God damn I'm in an Apple store Being drunk They must get drunk people All the time In Apple stores Probably I mean yeah You have a 24 hour Apple store They used to my site Yeah Come on man If you get in your iPhone Fix at 4 o 'clock At the morning You got to be fucked up Yeah Man Can you get an activated iPhone At 4 o 'clock in the morning Can you get an Activated iPhone at 4 o 'clock I want to do that I just want I don't even want to get another iPhone Because yeah it's a 24 hour Apple store Because I have to get a new laptop last week so 24 -hour Apple store 24 -hour Best Buy so I like I did my shopping late went and got a computer went to Best Buy grabbed Xbox one late at night it was great shopping yeah yeah I heard about the best buy the 24 -hour Best Buy that's like near college right it's uh you're not too far from NYU yes it's in Union Square that's the one thing that Manhattan has it's this 24 -hour thing like almost you know what they don't have any more though it's pool halls they used to have a 24 -hour pool hall I don't think they have that anymore I haven't seen it They used to have this place Chelsea Billiards There was quite a few places But Chelsea was the big one That was open 24 hours a day Go there at 4 o 'clock in the morning You're a big pool guy?

[1010] Yeah, yeah, I love pool What do you think about trick -shot pool?

[1011] Stupid.

[1012] Really?

[1013] It's pointless, yeah I like trick -shot pool Trick -shot pool is like tying a duck to a stick And shooting it out of the sky Yeah, that's what it's like The difference between you get to choose your shots That's ridiculous The whole idea of pool is figuring out the patterns and moving the ball around, controlling the cue ball, making shots, and running out.

[1014] The table presents you with a problem.

[1015] You have to figure out that problem and get out.

[1016] This is some stupid thing that you practice over and over again.

[1017] All you have to do is just poke at the stick and the ball's going the right direction because you set them up.

[1018] That's dumb.

[1019] Oh, man. I guess it's good.

[1020] It's entertaining TV.

[1021] You know what it is?

[1022] I understand your thought process behind it.

[1023] But yeah, but, you know, I don't get to see them, practice.

[1024] Yeah, you just see the shot.

[1025] I just see them do the shot.

[1026] That shit looks cool.

[1027] It does look cool.

[1028] Don't get me wrong.

[1029] I've seen trick shots that look cool, but I've been playing pool for 20 years.

[1030] I don't know how to do one.

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] I can't do one trick shot.

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] Like I play pretty decent, but I can't, I don't know any of them.

[1035] I have no desire to learn them either.

[1036] They just don't make any sense to me. It's like, who care?

[1037] You said, you know what people do that?

[1038] Like, say if a professional came to your pool hall and was doing a demonstration, people like to see trick shots.

[1039] Yeah.

[1040] Like if you hire, I got like Earl Strickland.

[1041] Earl Strickland comes to your pool hall.

[1042] He's going to, you know, he'll do some trick shots for you.

[1043] I like this.

[1044] Of course you know, I'm like, you know pool celebrities too.

[1045] Yeah, I know a few pool names.

[1046] Yeah.

[1047] I get into shit, man. When I'm in the shit, I get into it.

[1048] Yeah.

[1049] You got, you should get pool cues, man. I got a bunch of pool calls.

[1050] No, I mean, your own business.

[1051] Oh, Joe Rogan pool cues?

[1052] Nah.

[1053] No, that's not probably.

[1054] No, pool cues you only want to buy from a dude who actually makes a pool cue.

[1055] There's a thing about.

[1056] pool cue artisans they make pool cues and like when you buy them from a guy who's like a like a Zambodi or a Tascarilla like people have these names like they make these exotic pool cues out of wood and their craftsmanship and they cut them and place them precisely and it's a big like art form to it so you wouldn't want to buy my fucking pool I don't know what the fuck I'm doing can't buy a pool cue with my name on it.

[1057] It's stupid you'd be an idiot you want to buy a Southwest you know You want to buy a Gina Q. You want to buy Q's that have a name to them.

[1058] Okay.

[1059] Cool.

[1060] There's like a longstanding art form of, it's almost like a samurai sword type of thing, where it's like certain artists that are preferred over other artists, certain artisans that have a, like, a long history passed down from father or son.

[1061] It's very common.

[1062] Wow.

[1063] Yeah.

[1064] Actually, I mean, I'd be pissed.

[1065] Why?

[1066] I'd be like, man, I don't want to be in the Polk you business dead.

[1067] I'm passing.

[1068] on this pool cube business i don't even like pool dad well if you did like pool then it would be good but if you wanted to be a comedian i could see your point yeah long hours in the shop breathing in fucking sawdust and glue fumes and shit yeah working in a paint booth one of those gas masks on yeah that would be it's not for hannibal beres it's not for me it's not for a lot of people it might not be for one of those father -son team they might not like that shit maybe i would have to talk to them and work is work individually I hope I don't get an angry tweet from the Southwest pool company.

[1069] I'm sure you would I'm sure they would be pissed.

[1070] There's quite a few people that take that very seriously.

[1071] Are you into anything?

[1072] Do you play any games or anything?

[1073] Do you do anything anything on the road?

[1074] Do you bowl?

[1075] I've got a marble collection.

[1076] I don't have a marble collection.

[1077] I play video games a little bit.

[1078] I'm, but I'm trying to think of my other stuff that I do.

[1079] I'm a pretty boring dude, man. I play video games, do comedy, go to concerts, and that's pretty much it.

[1080] I keep track of my frequent flyer miles, very heavily.

[1081] Now, how hardcore do you get with the video games?

[1082] Do you actually bring a console with you on the road?

[1083] Are you one of those dudes?

[1084] No, I can't do that.

[1085] There's a lot of dudes that get crazy with that.

[1086] Yeah, because, nah, because it makes it more exciting for when I get back home, because that kind of is how I, you know, I'm really at home.

[1087] if I'm sitting at home, playing video games.

[1088] If I've been gone for 10 days, like, all right, relax, I'm home, play a game.

[1089] So that's the thing.

[1090] I leave the game at home.

[1091] That's a good move.

[1092] But I get into it.

[1093] I only play two games, GTA and NBA 2K -14.

[1094] That's it?

[1095] That's it.

[1096] Because I'm always gone, so I don't have time to be switching some games.

[1097] You want to get some skills, learn the game, and then enjoy it.

[1098] You don't want to have to learn new shit.

[1099] It's just learning new games.

[1100] I might try out this Titanfall.

[1101] I got that for the Xbox.

[1102] Well, I haven't played it yet, though.

[1103] I keep hearing incredible things.

[1104] People have, like, emailed me. If you're thinking about getting back into video games, this is the video game to get back into it.

[1105] I'm like, get the fuck away from me. Yeah, and that's the thing.

[1106] So you don't have time to play for you got kids and you got a lot of work.

[1107] I'll be thinking about that, too, when I'm playing because I can't play for three or four hours straight.

[1108] I'm like, should I be playing this or should I be writing a script?

[1109] Should I really be playing against this 13 -year -old?

[1110] Talking shit to him I don't talk shit No I might send a If they talk Because I don't I can't have a strain I can't put it On the headset When it's a strange I can't just have a stranger Having that much access To my brain like that I already I already do that with Twitter I can't have their voice Right Yeah Because you imagine if that's the new Twitter If people just To be able Anonymously talk shit to you Right to your ear Just out of nowhere Yeah Just like how you get your App mentions on Twitter Yeah If you could just get Like one after other A bunch of people people talking shit in your ear.

[1111] Your glasses will smudged on TV.

[1112] Bitch, you look stupid up there.

[1113] What kind of sneakers of those?

[1114] Where'd you get that jacket?

[1115] That was suck, man. I delete, you know what?

[1116] I delete my Twitter app sometimes just because I spend too much time on it.

[1117] Do you really?

[1118] But then I end up putting it back on like two days later.

[1119] But the times that I'm trying to have like, and I'm going to try, two hours a day where I just unplugged, two awake hours a day.

[1120] Well, I unplugged, no computer, no phone.

[1121] So I either rewrite or work out or just talk or just chill, but no looking at the phone, no email, no text, phone, none of that.

[1122] So that's what I'm trying to do, just because I found, when my phone was broken, I didn't have my phone for a day, it just was broken.

[1123] I found that I was a little bit more productive.

[1124] I read a little bit of a book.

[1125] I wrote six jokes or something, and I felt way more clear -headed.

[1126] because I wasn't just checking people's...

[1127] You weren't tethered.

[1128] I wasn't tethered.

[1129] I wasn't checking Twitter obsessively and compulsively.

[1130] Yeah, so that's my new shit.

[1131] Yeah, I get tethered to that fucking phone, man. It's weird.

[1132] It's tough, man. It's weird when you're out and you just have this desire to check your email.

[1133] For no reason.

[1134] What the fuck?

[1135] It's nothing that important in an email because if it was, it'd be a phone call.

[1136] Yeah, especially when you're not in the middle of doing anything.

[1137] It's not like your, like, a deal's about to go down.

[1138] I'm like, all right, Hannibal, stay near the phone.

[1139] We're going to call you.

[1140] Nobody said that.

[1141] Even if it was going down, it's not going away.

[1142] Yeah.

[1143] It's not going to go away.

[1144] Yeah, the deal is going to go down, but you didn't get back to us.

[1145] You didn't get back to us in 20 minutes.

[1146] We thought you're one of the most hilarious guys of all time and a future superstar.

[1147] But time is as the essence.

[1148] Time is of the essence.

[1149] We came in away.

[1150] We just called some other dude that we had on our list of guys whose day to make.

[1151] And he checks his phone all the time.

[1152] It does get like that, though.

[1153] when it's casting, when they get casting, when it gets down to casting, like whether or not you agree to take a show, like they give you an offer, there's a counteroffer, they have offers on someone else, and then, you know, it's like a backup offer, well, if Hannibal gets crazy with the money, we got this dude waiting the wings, there is that.

[1154] They'll, that'll definitely keep you near your phone.

[1155] Yeah.

[1156] But that's another beautiful thing about the internet.

[1157] It's like, that shit, we were talking about, like, you used to need a show, like guys used to go away if they didn't have a show if they didn't have something that put them out there to the crowd yeah that's all gone away now you could you get your own show yeah if you wanted to do you're great at podcasting you could just start a fucking podcast i thought about starting a podcast you totally should do a podcast you would have a hilarious podcast if you had a podcast i would for sure download that shit well thank you man i would subscribe to it 100 thanks a lot i actually recorded six episodes of a podcast it was called talking to strangers and i just talked to legit people that people that never met before or that weren't in comedy at all that's a great idea but then now I mean that would be me driving the listenership every time yeah which is you know but still Bill Bird does a podcast where he just talks by himself yeah just him renting so does Greg Proops Greg Proops does it live one he does a show called the smartest man in the world yeah it's hilarious oh it's just him just him and he does it live questions all people ask them questions that mother fucker can rant like no one yeah Greg Proops can he can just go and he's smart as fuck so he has like hours of information in his head the dude has so much information in his head like he went on a rant about Columbus like I read a bunch of shit about Columbus I knew quite a bit about Columbus but Greg Proops went on this mad rant explaining what a cunt Columbus really was yeah fucking evil you know those people were back then yeah you could be evil back then, because there was no Twitter.

[1158] You could be evil and unchecked.

[1159] No Facebook.

[1160] No Facebook.

[1161] Nobody like, you're evil.

[1162] Am I evil?

[1163] Shit.

[1164] I should chill out.

[1165] Columbus is holding a baby in one hand, a sword in the other.

[1166] You can just be evil because you just had you an evil and you had your four friends who were also evil enablers.

[1167] That's true.

[1168] Live life being evil.

[1169] Isn't that funny that that is the case?

[1170] especially when you get to a new land like you get in a wooden boat and you travel to the other half of the world where it's good in your eyes completely wild right you know and they can come up with all sorts of justifications why they should just start murdering people yeah and then they find out these people have gold oh shit yeah it must have been so easy to be evil back then you're actually right yeah Twitter keeps people from being as evil Well, entertainers Entertainers Well, God, we can call Columbus an entertainer Well, no, but that's what I'm saying It wouldn't I mean, I don't know if he would have been affected about Twitter But there's something funny to think about But yeah, that is crazy Just to be just that type of That mind state That's so long ago We're going to this place And we're going to do some shit I don't know what we're doing Well, it's notorious When someone shows up on a boat Like this is probably the only time in human history that when a boat full of strangers shows up in your store, people aren't going to die.

[1171] Every other time in human history, once that boat showed up, most likely people were fucking dying.

[1172] Most likely some terrible shit's going to get down.

[1173] Some crazy desperadoes who are starving to death.

[1174] They're going to hop off that boat and they're going to have swords and bows and arrows and cannons.

[1175] Oh, yeah, because they're hungry.

[1176] Fuck, yeah.

[1177] They're hungry.

[1178] They're at scurvy.

[1179] There's no pussy.

[1180] They're eating rats and fucking old ruts.

[1181] Rice.

[1182] I mean, what are they going to do when they get off there?

[1183] They're going to take whatever they want.

[1184] They're going to go crazy.

[1185] Especially when there's no Twitter.

[1186] Yeah, no Twitter to say, hey, man, chill on.

[1187] They chill out on the pillages.

[1188] Like in the last hundred years, it's probably the only time where it's not a terrifying moment when a boat pulls up.

[1189] Every other time before that, it's like the 1700s or whatever it was, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

[1190] All that shit, that was a terrible time when someone pulled up in a boat terrible time boats are like yeah tanks yeah and then tanks now when tanks pull up something bad is happening or was happening or was about to happen exactly a battleship yeah yeah that's a long but do you think they knew that something terrible was going to happen right away or was it they were they were open at first right well did you ever see that movie there's a movie um i think it's what the bleep do we know that try i think it's this movie tries to present this argument they think that the Native Americans might not have even been able to see the boat because they had no point of reference which is stupid as fuck to me that doesn't make no sense because there's a lot of unique events that you only see for the first time like the idea that they wouldn't be able to see it is I think it's just some woo -woo bullshit I think it's some non -scientific bullshit that some people try to pass off that's my take on it as a non -scientific bullshit artist but I think they wouldn't have known what the fuck it was.

[1191] If they had never seen a boat before and then all sudden like when the conquistadors landed the the the people who lived like the astecs thought that they were gods because they never seen a person on a horse before they'd never seen that they didn't know what the fuck was going on they saw these people on horses they thought the horses a part of them they thought they were gods they never seen anything before that's crazy they think that at one point in time most of north america did not have horses that horses were brought here from somewhere else so the native american indians didn't use to have horses in the beginning.

[1192] Wait, so they brought horses on these boats?

[1193] Yeah, horses came from somewhere else.

[1194] Wow.

[1195] So that was a horrible boat ride.

[1196] So you, because you're talking about days and days.

[1197] Yeah, with a horse.

[1198] With a horse.

[1199] Weeks.

[1200] And feeding weeks.

[1201] Probably months, right?

[1202] I mean, how long did it take for Columbus to get from Spain to the Bahamas?

[1203] I don't know.

[1204] Had to be months.

[1205] I would imagine it would be months.

[1206] Months of travel.

[1207] Months of travel.

[1208] Makes sense.

[1209] I mean, you're on a boat that has to be blown around by the wind.

[1210] You're trying to get across the biggest body of water known to man. That shit's ridiculous.

[1211] A ocean, you're going to get across an ocean on a floating piece of a tree.

[1212] That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.

[1213] And you're going to do it with horses.

[1214] So do you get to take everything?

[1215] Do you think he just felt entitled?

[1216] Just like, man, it was as long as fuck.

[1217] I think people back then were ruthless.

[1218] I think they were dealing with completely different times.

[1219] People died younger.

[1220] The amount of time you were on this planet was very short.

[1221] The average person didn't get their shit together.

[1222] Probably like 30 -something year, life expectancy.

[1223] I mean, there was a few people that lived longer, but most people probably died off at 30.

[1224] Well, and also, the infant mortality rate was so high that it lowers the average age of death.

[1225] It lowers it because of that.

[1226] Like, infant mortality was through the roof.

[1227] It was like 50 % of the kids would die back then.

[1228] Like, during the Roman times, I believe it was 50 % child mortality rate.

[1229] You had two kids.

[1230] One would be dead for sure.

[1231] Yes.

[1232] Yeah.

[1233] And that's normal.

[1234] That was normal.

[1235] So I think their whole idea of, like, what's violent, what's evil, what's good, what's bad, it was just completely different.

[1236] They were used to way more barbarism, way more murder, way, you know, they would marry Antoinette.

[1237] They would fucking, think about when they would have those gigantic town executions and they would use the guillotine, cut someone's fucking head off in the town square.

[1238] We just think that people used to do that.

[1239] That is, that is pretty bananas.

[1240] like we like now the guillotine is kind of you know used as a joke in movies or stuff like yeah the guillotine but yeah the fact that that was real is insane it was real and it removed your head and you were conscious for a few minutes before you before you would die wait yeah your head would be separated from your body your body would be dying but as the oxygen in your brain is slowly leaking out like you're you're conscious for probably not a few minutes but probably at least a few seconds.

[1241] Well, you said, man, that's fucked up.

[1242] Yeah, you're looking up at a basket, you're like, oh, you got to be fucking kidding.

[1243] I didn't do anything that bad.

[1244] All you had to do was piss the wrong person off that had power, and they would just be off with their head!

[1245] They would just off with your head.

[1246] That was like a common thing.

[1247] No, can we talk it through a little bit?

[1248] You need any work done?

[1249] No. Off with your head.

[1250] Isn't it funny, too, that they would do that shit publicly?

[1251] Like, that's what we avoid now.

[1252] We don't want the public even seeing coffins.

[1253] Yeah.

[1254] Like, you're not allowed to.

[1255] take photographs of coffins of veterans when they're coming back.

[1256] Yeah.

[1257] The Bush administration made that illegal, which is kind of fucking crazy.

[1258] You're not even allowed to see a picture of someone who dies at war.

[1259] Forget about see, like, a prisoner getting executed.

[1260] You're not allowed to see any of that shit.

[1261] Yeah.

[1262] Yeah.

[1263] I mean, I don't want to see that.

[1264] Prisoner getting executed?

[1265] No. If I sent you a link, you'd click it.

[1266] If I sent you a link and it says, you know, okay, let's.

[1267] Let's think of someone just undeniably evil.

[1268] Hitler.

[1269] Okay.

[1270] If I sent you a link and a dude, you want to watch this video, does Hitler getting executed?

[1271] How's he getting executed?

[1272] He's going to get his head cut off, the sword.

[1273] What mental state am I in?

[1274] Sober, drunk, hi.

[1275] Depends on when you get home.

[1276] I send you the email at 7 p .m. What other emails do I have?

[1277] If you had some new information about your stand -up comedy special, soon to be out on Comedy Central.

[1278] Yeah.

[1279] Yeah, it's out on Comedy Central direct right now And it comes out midnight on Saturday on Comedy Central Yeah, some information about that Or Or the Hitler thing Oh yeah, I clicked that shit, man I know I click it, yeah I click it too I've clicked on some shit I shouldn't have clicked Yeah The most recent one was Some Mexican dude Cutting his girlfriend's head off For cheating One of the drug lords Like It's so obviously real as fuck so obviously really like his boys who was filming it his friends yeah he was one of the cartel guys that's crazy yeah there's some crazy cartel videos there's some crazy cartel videos and them using chainsaws and cutting dudes heads off but almost I mean I know how fucked up it is to cut your girlfriend's head off for cheating but in that you almost understand it no no I'm talking about in their world where you're talking about Latin machismo yeah and also being a cartel leader and your girlfriend and everybody knowing that she cheated like he had to maintain his cartel shit that's true he's gonna be in a murder it's awful it's awful nobody fucking say hannibal condones beheading of cheating too late like no they're right in a salon .com article right now but Hannibal part of rape culture but that is that is insane do you have that up there I'm glad I didn't look no we didn't have it up no no we're not going to show it up I don't want to see that shit Yeah, but that's, that's, he cut her, with a knife.

[1280] That's recent?

[1281] Oh, yeah.

[1282] It's hard to watch, man. It's really hard to watch.

[1283] Then he holds her head up.

[1284] Like, the reason she was cheating is because he was so busy running the cartel.

[1285] I don't know what their history was.

[1286] But I'm sure.

[1287] I would assume he's in the wrong.

[1288] I'm sure running a cartel is very time -consuming.

[1289] And she needed some dick.

[1290] She still, it doesn't mean that she didn't love him.

[1291] Yeah, I would say the same.

[1292] If I was there while this argument was going.

[1293] down he's like I'm gonna cut her fucking head off like dude relax dude you come on she appreciates you let's kick her to the car she just was she just needed some attention she needed a little dick come on now let's see look at it this way you got a fucking green light to cheat however you want they actually have the green light in the cartel they just do whatever they want yeah at this point in time I mean how much money those guys have they mean they have cartels where the the head guys have like a billion dollars yeah this is like make al capone look ridiculous Are we in danger of being attacked by the cartel now?

[1294] I don't think so.

[1295] I don't think they've ever developed, like, real legitimate military power, but what they have developed is local power.

[1296] Okay.

[1297] They don't have necessarily real weapons.

[1298] No, we haven't said anything bad.

[1299] Okay, cool.

[1300] What have we said bad?

[1301] I don't know.

[1302] They make a lot of money, they don't tolerate cheating.

[1303] All right, yeah.

[1304] So are we part of cartel propaganda?

[1305] That's interesting.

[1306] If we were probably, if we were cartel sympathizers.

[1307] Yeah.

[1308] But I don't think we are.

[1309] I don't think so.

[1310] I think what we are is, look, the whole reason why cartels exist is what we were talking about earlier.

[1311] Should cocaine be legal?

[1312] Well, if cocaine's not legal, who's going to sell it?

[1313] Because people are going to smoke it.

[1314] Snort it, smoke it, whatever they do with it.

[1315] Shoot it.

[1316] Some people shoot it.

[1317] They're going to do it.

[1318] Who's going to profit?

[1319] Criminals.

[1320] Is it better to have Pfizer sell Coke, or is it better to have the mafia down in the...

[1321] Pfizer.

[1322] I say Pfizer.

[1323] I say let Pfizer profit off of it.

[1324] So, Joe, what you're saying is that if cocaine was legal, this woman would still be alive.

[1325] You know what?

[1326] You might have a point there.

[1327] I think, I mean, it's a long way to go, but it's, you know, I think that's what it is.

[1328] Well, I definitely think some people would be alive.

[1329] Yeah.

[1330] There would be less violence.

[1331] It would be less violence.

[1332] There would be less money spent in jails, on jails.

[1333] What they've done in Portugal is a clear indicator that we're on the wrong path.

[1334] with keeping everything illegal and locking people up, putting private prisons up, throwing people in there, profiting off the fact they're in there.

[1335] Portugal, they've lowered everything.

[1336] They've lowered the rates of addiction.

[1337] They've lowered violent crime.

[1338] They lower the amount of money they have to spend on legal fees and courts and prisons.

[1339] They've lowered all that shit just by decriminalizing all drugs.

[1340] They just made it so that people aren't fucking locked up as criminals anymore for a choice.

[1341] Choose alcohol, which will fuck you up, You and I...

[1342] You and I...

[1343] Listen, I was in the Apple store last week.

[1344] Trust me. But we could get fucked up in like 20 minutes.

[1345] Jamie could go back there, break out some whiskey, and we could just start doing shots.

[1346] Within 15 minutes, we would be unrecognizable.

[1347] Slur and...

[1348] You could get fucked up in, like, a short amount of time with alcohol, like a really short amount of time.

[1349] Yeah.

[1350] Why is that legal?

[1351] And Coke's not.

[1352] Why?

[1353] Arbitrary.

[1354] Completely arbitrary.

[1355] It doesn't make...

[1356] There's no logical sense.

[1357] There's no...

[1358] It doesn't make sense.

[1359] The same type of person who would go on a Coke binge will also go on a drunken rampage.

[1360] Yeah.

[1361] Well, you can't go on a Coke rampage?

[1362] You can go on both.

[1363] Okay.

[1364] You could go on a drunken binge.

[1365] Yeah.

[1366] You can go on a drunken rampage.

[1367] You can go on a Coke binge or a Coke rampage.

[1368] Yeah.

[1369] But I agree with you.

[1370] I'd rather be around the guy on Coke.

[1371] So there.

[1372] Well, here you go.

[1373] You got a drunk, you know, a drunk problem.

[1374] America's got a giant drunk problem We got alcohol everywhere People die of alcohol For the hundreds of thousands Drunk drivers All that shit What's better though Coke drivers or drunk drivers I don't know man I think I don't know I don't know the stats man If you had a guess If I had to guess Would you rather be in a car With a dude is coked up Or a dude is drunk And he's driving I think the coked up dude Would be driving fast But he'll make those Lane shifts like a motherfucker I think he'll be like, you are, oh shit, how'd you do that, man?

[1375] Yeah, I don't want to do it, I got it, I got it, got it, got it, got it, I got it.

[1376] When we open up our business, I'm going to take you to drive -ins school.

[1377] He'd be pulling right into parking spots that you normally have to parallel into it.

[1378] He'd just pull right in, with you in tight spots.

[1379] How'd you do that?

[1380] The world around it.

[1381] Dude, let's open up a driving business.

[1382] I'm fucking awesome a driver.

[1383] We had to do a cool driving school, man. When I was a kid, I passed it the first time I tried.

[1384] I got the written shit The driver's shit I got all the information I got the knowledge My dad's got books I just need a hundred thousand dollars Come on man Let's do this Let's make money Let's make money Let's make money We'll be under the year Come on man We'll get some bitches It'd be great Yeah definitely I would talk to the coke guy first And I would drive With the coke guy first Yeah Look at that folks Also I would Where am I I would probably try to drive too But that was That fucks up everything Oh I would definitely drive If I had the option I would be the guy driving over the drunk driver or the coke driver oh definitely yeah but if you couldn't drive for some strange reason like i'm i'm injured and i need somebody to take me to the hospital the only the only person is the coke friend or the drunk friend coke friend is taking me to the hospital yeah or you're on the walking dead and you get picked up on the side of the road and you're just happy it's not a zombie and the dude's on coke yeah i would definitely if i had to fight zombies you'd want to do some i want the dude that's on coke with me fighting zombies i would want to do it on PCP.

[1385] Oh, PCP, yes.

[1386] Yeah, that's the kind of, that's the motherfucker you want.

[1387] But he would make your rational choices.

[1388] What?

[1389] About?

[1390] They do crazy shit.

[1391] But he'd be all, he had a strength, oh, meth, somebody on meth fighting zombies?

[1392] That's a good move, too.

[1393] Which is like an accelerated version of Adderall.

[1394] Yeah.

[1395] Really?

[1396] Yeah.

[1397] Yeah, it is.

[1398] Yeah.

[1399] Somehow another related.

[1400] Adderall.

[1401] Except for the teeth, the teeth part.

[1402] That's the real accelerated.

[1403] The teeth part?

[1404] The teeth thing.

[1405] What do you mean?

[1406] The teeth thing and a destroy on your face.

[1407] thing.

[1408] Oh, what you mean?

[1409] With meth.

[1410] With meth.

[1411] Yeah.

[1412] Oh, yeah.

[1413] Rots your teeth out?

[1414] Brought your teeth out.

[1415] Isn't it just any form of speed once they start doing speed?

[1416] I think they forget to brush too.

[1417] That's part of it.

[1418] Part of brush.

[1419] Just like meth mouth is a, is a real, I haven't done that much research on meth because it hasn't affected my life that much.

[1420] Isn't that messed up?

[1421] I mean, sometimes I researched stuff that doesn't have to deal with me, but meth mouth is a real issue.

[1422] Dude, it's in Wikipedia.

[1423] You're 100 % right.

[1424] Metmouth.

[1425] As a, it's a, it's a, it's a real issue.

[1426] Methmouth.

[1427] As a Is it a term by itself?

[1428] It is.

[1429] Look, there's a whole page in Wikipedia.

[1430] Meth.

[1431] Oh, no!

[1432] That's horrible.

[1433] Yeah, go to Methmouth on Wiki.

[1434] Yeah, so I don't think there's anything called Adderall mouth.

[1435] That's just a dry mouth.

[1436] You drink a lot of water.

[1437] End up hydrating yourself, you're in better health.

[1438] This is insane.

[1439] Oh, my God.

[1440] Dental condition characterized by severe decay and loss of teeth as well as fracture, enamel erosion, and other oral problems.

[1441] Symptomatic of extended use of.

[1442] of the drug methamphetamine.

[1443] The specific cause of the condition is unknown, although drug -induced hmm, xerostomia, zero -stomia, dry mouth.

[1444] Why don't you just call it dry mouth?

[1445] Why are you to get crafty?

[1446] It's something I can't even pronounce.

[1447] As well as Bruxism, which is grinding of the teeth, I thought to be involved.

[1448] Wow.

[1449] This is crazy.

[1450] They grind their own fucking teeth off.

[1451] That picture is a classic meth mouth.

[1452] You could tell by looking at the other teeth That person isn't even that fucking old They just did some crazy shit to their teeth Yeah, I hope to party was awesome Poor nutrition, eating too much sugar Lack of dental hygiene Common among long -term users of the drugs I didn't know that meth users eat a lot of sugar But that totally makes sense The legitimacy of meth mouse As a unique condition has been questioned Because of the similar effects Of some other drugs on the teeth Treating meth mouth is difficult Yeah, because your teeth are gone.

[1453] That's your best treatment for mouth -th -mouth is veneers.

[1454] Yeah, you'd have to just chew them all down and get some dental implants.

[1455] Get some new teeth.

[1456] Some bulletproof teeth.

[1457] Yeah, man. Yeah, have you ever seen a person that has like a tooth where they do the root?

[1458] A gentle implant?

[1459] No, not dental implant.

[1460] Oh, it's crazy.

[1461] I got veneers, though.

[1462] I got TV teeth.

[1463] You got some, what do they do?

[1464] They scrape the outside off and put a beautiful shell on.

[1465] Yeah, these front floor is TV teeth, man. That's a beautiful.

[1466] Let me say smile.

[1467] Oh, those are pretty.

[1468] Yeah, man. Did they make them perfect?

[1469] Is that what it is?

[1470] That's how you got them?

[1471] Yeah, because I had a chip tooth and a gap, and I was like, man, I'm probably going to be on TV a lot in the next few years.

[1472] Let me fix this real quick.

[1473] So I got it fixed in 2011.

[1474] I got them fixed.

[1475] There's something sexy about a really hot girl with a gap in her teeth.

[1476] Something like extra sexy.

[1477] Like, yeah, girls with gaps used to connect with me. They were like, you got a gap.

[1478] I got a gap.

[1479] Like, not for long It doesn't bother me, though Does it bother you If a pretty girl has a gap in her teeth?

[1480] No, not at all Not even a little bit, right?

[1481] No, not at all.

[1482] It was just my own thing I was like, I'm gonna be on TV I don't want to have cracked teeth on TV But a gap is different than snaggle teeth Yeah If there's all, they're all snagled Like my bottom teeth are kind of snaggle Like shitish one Is one that goes back It's all fucked up I'm not gonna get a fix I'm a man Okay, and my top ones are fine I don't give a shit But if I was a girl Yeah Nobody wants to look at a Snagley tooth -mouthed girl Yeah, it's just a Yeah, snaggyly is Yeah, snaggyly is not a good look It's not good When you get the extra teeth Those weird people That have extra teeth That pop out of the gums And weird spots Yeah It's just, you know All men are not created equal But why do we give a fuck?

[1483] Why does anybody care About if someone's teeth Are not perfectly in line?

[1484] Like what is What part of our brain Is being bothered By the lack of symmetry?

[1485] Yeah, it's just That's what it is It's just symmetry.

[1486] I don't know what part it is, but people like symmetry.

[1487] For the same reason, it might, I mean, it wouldn't anger me, but if this painting was, like, a little bit off, I'd be like, ooh, it's a little bit off.

[1488] The other ones look, they're on point, but if it was a little bit off, I would notice it.

[1489] It would fuck with you.

[1490] It would fuck with me. I should tilt Jimmy Hendricks noticeably, just to fuck with the next guest.

[1491] Yeah.

[1492] Just leave it there kind of cock -eyed and not say shit about it.

[1493] Yeah, I'm going to do that.

[1494] Don't tell Adam Carroll, I'm going to fuck with him.

[1495] I'm going to twist that shit up Yeah, so it's just I think yeah It's just a human brain Like, you know Symmetry Perfect lines You know Yeah but why But why I don't know At a certain point in time Logic should take over But it doesn't That shit just looks good man You know I mean Like if somebody got a weird tooth It's just the same reason why You know If your car got hit in the In the front Headlight And smashed in a little bit The car still runs well But you want that shit fixed because it looks dumb.

[1496] I agree with you 100%.

[1497] I'm just trying to figure out why.

[1498] Why?

[1499] Shit, we like shit that looks good, man. I know, we do.

[1500] But isn't that weird, right?

[1501] Why?

[1502] Like, are you a car guy?

[1503] Do you like cars?

[1504] I do like cars.

[1505] Like, what's your favorite car?

[1506] I got a few favorite.

[1507] Actually, favorite, if they're listening, I like the Lincoln M -K -S.

[1508] That's a beautiful car.

[1509] Yeah, I like that car.

[1510] That's a spaceship.

[1511] Yeah, I like that car.

[1512] Yeah, and what else?

[1513] I mean, I like some Benz's.

[1514] Yeah.

[1515] Yeah, it was one of...

[1516] Like, pull up the 2014 Mercedes -Benzs class.

[1517] Pull up a picture of this.

[1518] Yeah.

[1519] This is like, you know, if you think about, like, the cream of the crop of, like, luxury automobiles, like, Mercedes -Benz, like, there's no ugly Mercedes -Benz.

[1520] They have a bunch of German scientists that are fucking trying to figure out what the symmetry is.

[1521] What's the eye?

[1522] Go do a Google search of silver.

[1523] 2014 Mercedes -Benz S -class.

[1524] Look out, there's something beautiful about it, inescapably beautiful.

[1525] But when you look at the picture, like, why?

[1526] Like, what the fuck is it?

[1527] Like, what is it about that thing?

[1528] Design and it's just, yeah, it looks slick as fuck.

[1529] Look at that.

[1530] The grill, the grill is a big part of it.

[1531] You can't say shit about that car.

[1532] No one can say that's not a good -looking car.

[1533] Yeah.

[1534] That's a masterpiece.

[1535] Right.

[1536] They designed to make it smooth.

[1537] If you get in that car and drive off, you're a motherfucker.

[1538] who's going somewhere.

[1539] Yeah.

[1540] Someone who sits in that car and they're at traffic.

[1541] Like, that's a guy who's doing, or a gal, who's doing well.

[1542] You have a beautiful car.

[1543] Look at him and his Mercedes -Benz.

[1544] A smooth car.

[1545] It probably rides well.

[1546] Why does it look good?

[1547] Well, why some things look good to you and they don't look good to me?

[1548] Like, here's something.

[1549] I have a friend who loves those fucking stupid Mercedes, those bread truck looking things.

[1550] Those old school ones that are a real square.

[1551] Splinter or the...

[1552] What are they called?

[1553] Sprinter?

[1554] They look like a Jeep.

[1555] They look like a Jeep.

[1556] But it's the big is, I think you're talking about a Sprinter.

[1557] Some people use them as Tour Bus.

[1558] Oh, no, that one.

[1559] That one.

[1560] That's the one.

[1561] I take it back.

[1562] Mercedes doesn't make one ugly car.

[1563] It's this one.

[1564] That's ugly as far.

[1565] Yeah.

[1566] I wouldn't, I don't like...

[1567] I guess it's just...

[1568] But sometimes the brand can take over.

[1569] It is totally take over.

[1570] That shit's square as fuck.

[1571] But people love it.

[1572] I mean, don't get me wrong, someone gave me when I would drive it.

[1573] I'm sure it's lovely to drive.

[1574] Mercedes is, they're masterpieces of engineering.

[1575] Yeah.

[1576] But, you know, look at that and then, like, look at a new range rover.

[1577] You want to look at, like, a beautiful SUV?

[1578] Pull up the image of the new Rangerover, and you see, like, a futuristic, beautiful -looking SUV.

[1579] But it's why?

[1580] Yeah.

[1581] What is it, why do I like one or the other?

[1582] I never can figure out what it is that appeals.

[1583] I don't know what it is.

[1584] It's just, it's, it just varies by person.

[1585] Like, I got these shoes, a company sent me these shoes, and they sent me some shoes that look great, and they send me some shoes.

[1586] I'm like, what the fuck?

[1587] I would never wear this.

[1588] And so my little cousin, she was visiting me from college.

[1589] She visited me in New York last week, and I was like, look at these ugly fucking shoes.

[1590] They look like if Chester Cheetah wore purple.

[1591] And she was like, those look great.

[1592] Those, what?

[1593] I want to get those to my boy.

[1594] Those shoes are awesome.

[1595] I was like, what the fuck?

[1596] And so it's just, Subjective, you know what I mean?

[1597] People, people, you know, people's, it's just subjective.

[1598] Some people's eyes like different things.

[1599] Some people have different aesthetics and just taste, and that's what it is.

[1600] Because I thought those shoes were gross, and I will never wear.

[1601] I still won't ever wear them, but there's some people that might like those shoes.

[1602] I thought, yeah.

[1603] I'm totally with you.

[1604] I always wondered, I want to see, that's a new, look at the difference between those two.

[1605] This is a boxy -looking bread truck, and that's a spaceship.

[1606] That's a beautiful spaceship.

[1607] I've always wanted to know what you see, like anybody, any other person.

[1608] I assume that everybody sees what I see.

[1609] I assume that, you know, when you're looking at meth -mouthed, you see the same thing I'm looking at when you're looking at these pictures.

[1610] But I don't know.

[1611] You know, I really don't know.

[1612] I'm just guessing.

[1613] I mean, imagine if you use somebody's eyes, if you see through somebody's, and the whole world's completely different, a totally different vibe.

[1614] Do you mean see just as far as the visual or see as far as how people...

[1615] process things both with their brain well that's a totally different yeah that's crazy oh do you you probably you smoke so you probably like how do I look when I move around to other people you ever see yourself on video and you're like whoa is that really what I move around like that oh shit I was fat then that was a fat day oh man should have got a haircut oh man my posture I actually you know it's funny well my I did I did Letterman a couple years ago and I hate it because my suit is horrible but not only is my suit horrible but my entrance it sucks i walk out on letterman and i'm like bound and i like do do do do do like it's the words there's no comp it means confident but it's not like i don't look how i thought i looked when i was walking out i'm like yeah i'm walking out on letterman in my mind and i see the video can you pull it up but i see the video i'm like it's not it's just like real heavy look it or maybe i'm over -adilizing That suit is horrible.

[1616] Look at that garbage suit.

[1617] There's nothing wrong with that suit.

[1618] That suit is garbage, man. What's garbage about it?

[1619] The fit of it is tight.

[1620] It's weird.

[1621] I think I buttoned the wrong button.

[1622] It's a weird fit.

[1623] I think it's fine, man. Yeah, you're fucking with yourself.

[1624] Did you get crazy?

[1625] Would you high when you looked at this and got freaked out by it?

[1626] No. It's just when I, like, yeah.

[1627] I mean, my girlfriend gives me shit about it sometimes.

[1628] She gives you shit about that video?

[1629] That suit, yeah.

[1630] That suit, she's like, that suit was horrible.

[1631] Or it's another time I wore a horrible suit Because I got better suits now So I'll see it I'm like man that suit sucks Are you a suit guy Do you get like your suits tailored Shook?

[1632] Do you ever do that?

[1633] I got my first tailored suit A few weeks ago for this event I did for the Bulls in Chicago So I needed a suit last minute So I like I splurged on a suit And got a nice one And it was killing And I make a sure that I wear As many events as I can Just to get my money's work for the suit That's a sign of being a grownup man You get a nice suit Yeah, it was a fancy man. Yeah, they tailed it there, and it felt slick, and it was a smooth suit.

[1634] And then that's what made me realize that my other suits were garbage.

[1635] When I put on a good suit, I was like, and then I'm like, this is how a suit should look.

[1636] I looked at the other shit.

[1637] I was like, oh, fuck, I was on TV like that.

[1638] My fight.

[1639] Every TV special I've ever done has been like a t -shirt or, you know, long -slee t -shirt jeans usually.

[1640] Yeah.

[1641] I don't want to dress in a way that I don't normally dress when I'm comfortable.

[1642] Right.

[1643] Yeah, I don't, for my, like, for TV appearances, just to, or like, late night shows, like, doing a set, I'll put on a suit just out of respect for the show, you know what I mean?

[1644] Right, right, right, right.

[1645] But, uh, for my special, my first one, I just wore a button up, and then my latest one, I just, I wore a jacket over, uh, I wore a nice jacket over a t -shirt, which is just, this is amazing because people, like, that's just jeans and t -shirt, but you put a jacket, people are like, holy!

[1646] Holy shit.

[1647] You look great.

[1648] I just put a jacket over my regular shit.

[1649] A jacket makes you look like you're a professional.

[1650] But also it just makes people, it's funny how clothes will determine how people just approach you and just how people treat you and how people talk to you and how people respond to the shit.

[1651] You have to say, like, a jacket or a suit will just change.

[1652] Especially if you're a young man. You know, especially if you're like a man in his 20s.

[1653] Yeah.

[1654] A guy in his 20s with a suit is totally different than a guy in his.

[1655] 20s of a t -shirt.

[1656] It's, yeah, it is.

[1657] It's just, you will listen, that person seems more intelligent all of a sudden.

[1658] They're more respectful.

[1659] Yeah, more respectful.

[1660] It's weird that that's, like, how did that, I think about that too.

[1661] Like, how did suits become, how did that become the way to dress?

[1662] Like, was one dude, like, I'm going to wear this.

[1663] And people are like, that looks good.

[1664] Where do I get that shit at?

[1665] Yeah, dude who has like a suit and tie on is holding a clipboard, automatically you take him seriously.

[1666] You take him seriously.

[1667] you defer to him I gotta ask him something let me be respectful he might shut me down he might ruin my life he might ruin my night the same kid with flip flops on and a t -shirt a pair of shorts look this piece of shit how do you get this job who is he yeah imagine if you went to a Mercedes dealership and you wanted to buy one of those beautiful cars yeah the guy working on the counter wearing fucking flip flops and shorts he wants to say he's telling you all this crazy shit about Mercedes like Mercedes the engineering is the finest in all of your up and what they do and you'd be like I'm gonna listen to this fucking idiot with stupid feet I'm looking at his feet look at his feet look at his toes he got something in between his toes but you know what I don't like is that sometimes people will use that against you where I'll stay at a nice hotel and a person there's sometimes people at the hotel they dress nice and they'll take on the vibe like they own the hotel is like relax relax a little bit sir we do not allow that in this Chateau Mamushma And I want to say, sir I think you make 30 to 50 ,000 a year Calm down Like they but they talk like in this way Like they own the place Like relax a little bit And so like maybe And then maybe if I had on a suit I'd be like sir You shut the fuck up I am also a suit right now That's true right If you wore flip flops And a dude is wearing a suit He automatically is one up in you And if you You could be a rich fuck dude unless you got a crazy fat watch if you show up if you're checking into a fancy hotel and you're wearing the flip floss but you got some stupid fucking gigantic $20 ,000 watch on your eye and people know it and you're gesturing with your hands a lot it's just big fucking chunky diamond -crusted watch like oh okay we got to listen to this guy let him talk a little bit he's got some money but yeah I mean I think that's what I do I actually like dressing horribly in like high level situations like i love i get upgraded or i fly first a lot and i love being in like jogging pants i love being young black dude and jogging pants in first class and people like who i think it would have would have fitted hat on in my headphones and people like what the fuck is it how did he how is he where is he how do you think he what do you think he and my favorite thing I don't know what it is, if it's my demeanor or whatever, but I like it because I like my, my, nobody ever talks to me in first.

[1668] Just about nobody, nobody ever, I'm always.

[1669] It's probably a rich, rich celebrity.

[1670] Nobody ever talks to me in first.

[1671] Whereas my girl, when she'll fly first, like, I hear about her, she'll tell me, I talk, this business guy was blah, blah, blah, and I met this rapper was on the plane with me, and this first, like, these people will just babble monster her.

[1672] Babelmonds is a term My cousin made Some people just talk to you When you don't want them to talk Like people monopolize I'm talking But people were just talking Obviously because she's a girl But this is a funny thing Where people won't even Engage usually With me on the plane I got an ear beating from Me and Tommy Segura Do you know Tom Segura?

[1673] Me and Tommy Segura were on a flight once And this woman Who was the attendant On the flight She gave us the most Unbelievable ear beating I've ever experienced in my life It was just staggering.

[1674] Her stamina, her ability to not recognize clues.

[1675] Her breath control.

[1676] The whole thing.

[1677] She asked us if we would like some wine.

[1678] And we said, sure.

[1679] And I forget what Tommy asked for.

[1680] She asked for Cabernet or Pino Noir.

[1681] Like, do you have a, you know, you have a, whatever.

[1682] You ask for a typical.

[1683] And she started cracking some joke about the movie sideways.

[1684] Do you ever see that movie?

[1685] I haven't.

[1686] It's a movie about, it's with, um, The dude from Wings.

[1687] It's a fucking cool -ass guy's name.

[1688] Fucking shit.

[1689] What's his name?

[1690] The dude, church...

[1691] What the fuck is his name?

[1692] Thomas Hayden Church.

[1693] Yeah.

[1694] Who's a very cool guy, actually.

[1695] And, you know, it's all about wine.

[1696] So she starts reciting this scene.

[1697] It's like that scene and, you know, blah, blah.

[1698] And then she goes, well, I've never really been into wine.

[1699] But I'll tell you what, there was a guy once that, you know, he had the bottle of wine.

[1700] He brings to the rest.

[1701] And she's just going up.

[1702] On and on and on.

[1703] And I'm not exaggerating like 15 minutes.

[1704] She won't shut the fuck up.

[1705] She's just hovering over this chair.

[1706] We're panicking.

[1707] This is on a plane?

[1708] On the fucking plane.

[1709] This is a flight attendant.

[1710] On the fucking plane.

[1711] She's leaning over the seat, just beating us into submission with this stupid -ass story.

[1712] And so I start writing down.

[1713] I'm in the window seat and he's in the aisle.

[1714] So he's stuck with her side.

[1715] I abandoned him and just start looking out the window.

[1716] I can't do this anymore.

[1717] I have to start looking at the window.

[1718] She won't stop.

[1719] She's worked her way from the quote from the movie sideways To a story about a dude with wine To a story about her ex -husband And it's a fucking murderous assault on the eardrums Probably Tom was probably so punched drunk At the time we couldn't think we should have went to the bathroom Well Tommy had a really interesting point Because Tommy I abandoned him and I left him to be slaughtered by her And he developed a psychological profile of her And say he said I think because we were on a small plane It was a small flight He goes, I think the reason why this lady's on a small flight is because other ladies don't want to work with her.

[1720] So they stick her on these small flights where she works by herself because she's clueless because she has no one to shut the fuck up and everybody wants to get away from her.

[1721] Oh, wow.

[1722] So just stick her on these little flights.

[1723] So it's like one hour and a half type flight or something like that?

[1724] Yeah, it wasn't a very long flight.

[1725] I forget where we're going.

[1726] But the beating that just just brutal ear beating this broad game.

[1727] Yeah, it's tough.

[1728] And it's just you don't want to feel like a bad person like it's tough even though in your brain is this tough socially but hey can you shut the fuck up or is this but it's just it's tough to do it especially in a confined space like that in an airplane i mean in a social situation it's easier because you could just say yeah i'm about to go go to the bar you need anything i'm going to and they usually don't need a drink but that's the way to cut people out yeah i'm going to get a drink yeah or you say excuse me i got to use a restroom i hate to be rude but i have to use the restroom and then i would just drop my phone and start looking for you in between the seat and hopefully would just, she would find a reason to keep walking.

[1729] Yeah.

[1730] But she would do it not just us.

[1731] She did it to everybody she decided to stop with.

[1732] We watched her.

[1733] When she got done beating us up, she went over to somebody else and beat them up.

[1734] So she was a social terrorist.

[1735] She was a terrorist.

[1736] She won, too.

[1737] The terrorists won on that night.

[1738] I got to jump out real quick to the bathroom.

[1739] Yeah, yeah.

[1740] Go ahead, man. Go ahead.

[1741] Don't worry about it.

[1742] I'll tell everybody about my show I got coming up soon.

[1743] A lot of people, folks, they can't handle these three -hour conversations.

[1744] They don't develop the bladder control that a man like me has.

[1745] You notice a man like me sitting here two hours plus in.

[1746] I'm not feeling it.

[1747] I'm fine.

[1748] Two hours and ten minutes.

[1749] By the way, if you ever watch a UFC, this is an inside joke, and you hear me talking, only me talking while the fighter is walking from the back room to the cage, that means Mike Goldberg went to pee.

[1750] Because Mike Goldberg pees like crazy.

[1751] I don't know what's going on with Mike Goldberg.

[1752] He tells me everything's fine.

[1753] I believe him, but I have a hard time believing a man can pee as much as Mike Goldberg pees.

[1754] I don't even understand it.

[1755] It doesn't even make sense to me. Like, I'll go to take a leak.

[1756] Don't get me wrong, because a lot of times I'll have a cup of coffee there.

[1757] I'll have a couple of bottles of water.

[1758] You want to keep hydrated where you're screaming and yelling.

[1759] So I will get up and go to take a leak.

[1760] But I'll do it, and then an hour later, like, he'll do another one.

[1761] Like, we'll go pee together, and this motherfucker will pee again inside of an hour.

[1762] And I don't know how he doesn't.

[1763] But he'll, the most he ever did so far in a UFC event is six.

[1764] He peed six times.

[1765] My co -host in the UFC, Mike Goldberg, who's a great guy, but he likes to pee.

[1766] So apparently he enjoys running out to the bathroom taking leaks.

[1767] Was he drinking a lot of water or is he just...

[1768] Drinks a lot of water and drinks, you know, Red Bulls and shit like that, too, while we're doing the broadcast to stay up.

[1769] He's six times an hour?

[1770] No, in a show.

[1771] in a show in a whole UFC show which is like six hours with the fights I mean if he's you know Sort of Still ridiculous If you're a man You know this is what you're doing Sit down Yeah if you do it I guess if you're doing TV Or rock Yeah Strengthen you pee Yeah But for You know Just For most people As they get older Apparently that becomes an issue Dudes develop Prostate problems Yeah And your prostate Enlarges I know this because I had to get my dog fixed.

[1772] My dog's prostate enlarged so much that it was constipating him.

[1773] I thought your dog fix was a metaphor.

[1774] No. Prostated, I noticed how I get my weasel repaired.

[1775] I'm like, oh, shit, is this what happens after 40?

[1776] Now, my dog was six, and he's, he developed an enlarged prostate.

[1777] I had to get him fixed.

[1778] Shit.

[1779] Johnny Cash no longer has balls.

[1780] He seems happy, though.

[1781] He was actually getting constipated because of it was really, interesting like it was blocking up was pinching where his colon is yeah poor dog they uh when i was on that uh goat bar uh working with them they had they had me uh i i was milking the goat and then they brought one goat in they had me bring there's this one young uh male goat and they're like uh you want to name him and i'll say yeah name name him hannibal they're like you sure and like yeah and then they banned they were like we're going to band them and they put a band around his balls and so they do like a delayed castration where it's not like they cut it off they they put the band and then the balls just fall off yeah two weeks later but i didn't like that they told me to they set me up to name him uh and then they were like and now yeah he's not gonna have balls in a little while like that's pretty shittier y 'all well they were going to do that anyway they were going to do it anyway but they didn't have to have me hold him as they did it yeah that's kind of fucked yeah to them it's normal To them is no But no, I mean I guess it'll be Alright TV But that This shit kind of It made me feel weird You know Human beings do that to themselves Sometimes too That's like one of the ways That men castrate themselves Is They use like rubber bands And tighten it all up And it all just goes dead And they saw it off Wait Who What type of dudes Are castrating themselves There's a lot of crazy fucking people out there man There's There was a website Um Called BME Extreme That's from the There's a video called the BME pain Olympics.

[1782] Explain that acronym, please.

[1783] I don't know.

[1784] Apparently, there's no real pain Olympics.

[1785] It's not real, but they called this video, the BME.

[1786] Don't pull that up.

[1787] But there's a video of a bunch of dudes hacking their dicks off and cutting their balls out.

[1788] People have done it.

[1789] It's definitely happened, and they've done it on video.

[1790] Just people have cut their fingers off on video and put the video online, cut the tip of their finger off with a sword.

[1791] People are fucking.

[1792] Yeah, it's crazy.

[1793] Those are like one -off activity.

[1794] Yeah, you can't repeat that performance.

[1795] Like, yeah, and the repeat, last year's champion!

[1796] Like, no, that's a one -off.

[1797] It wasn't worth it.

[1798] Yeah, so.

[1799] Some weird thing where some people like to do that, for whatever reason.

[1800] They want to castrate themselves.

[1801] Like, it's more common than not.

[1802] Maybe, you know, that's what them trying to, you know, release themselves from just being, you know, wanting sex so much.

[1803] Like, you know, the way I deleted my Twitter app.

[1804] exactly but then they realized they wanted it afterwards but you know i could reinstall twitter well you know supposedly i read this about nicola tesla the famous inventor yeah that he did something he didn't explain what he did but in quotes destroyed his sexuality they had some really confusing uh love situation with some woman apparently and he just got it just ruined everything ruined his life, ruined his work, just got messed up with some chick and then decide to, in quotes, destroy his sexuality.

[1805] Now, I don't know if that's true or not.

[1806] But you're talking about a guy, Nikola Tesla, who is a crazy, genius inventor who also was in love with a pigeon.

[1807] Thoughts this pigeon, he was in love with this pigeon and this weird romantic interest in a pigeon before he died.

[1808] He was completely off the rails.

[1809] So does he deserve to have a car named Dr .ville or not?

[1810] I don't get it.

[1811] He's a bad motherfucker.

[1812] Even though it's crazy.

[1813] Humans are never perfect.

[1814] No one retires with an undefeated record, not even Floyd Mayweather.

[1815] Along the way, he takes some losses.

[1816] Yeah, I mean, losses and, you know, making out with a pigeon.

[1817] I don't think he ever made out with it.

[1818] I think he just was in love with a pigeon.

[1819] And destroyed his own...

[1820] Again, that's what I read.

[1821] That could be propaganda.

[1822] Right.

[1823] I'm exposing propaganda left and right.

[1824] It might be propaganda.

[1825] It might not be real.

[1826] Like Napoleon, did you know Napoleon wasn't short?

[1827] Whoa.

[1828] That's a mind fuck.

[1829] In fact, he was taller than average for the time.

[1830] Well, he's like 5 '8?

[1831] 5 '8?

[1832] It's 5 '6, I think he was.

[1833] Yeah, for France.

[1834] Let's find out, Napoleon.

[1835] Well, Polion's real height.

[1836] But, I mean, that's a standard, right?

[1837] Oh, he's got a Napoleon complex.

[1838] A standard.

[1839] Five foot six, yeah.

[1840] So back then when people had no fucking nutrition whatsoever, that was actually taller than average.

[1841] Okay.

[1842] Okay.

[1843] So Napoleon complex, this means you want to take over shit.

[1844] Yeah, it depends.

[1845] This one actually says 5 .7.

[1846] Five foot seven inches, this one says.

[1847] Whatever it was.

[1848] For then, back then, that wasn't nearly as short as it is now.

[1849] I'm 5 '8 and I'm short for today for 2014 when people have good nutrition.

[1850] But back then, that was actually a tall guy.

[1851] There was a regular -sized guy.

[1852] It was like a guy who's like 5 -11.

[1853] Wow.

[1854] Yeah.

[1855] It's like normal.

[1856] Maybe not even 5 -11.

[1857] 5 -10?

[1858] What is average?

[1859] 5 -9?

[1860] Something like that?

[1861] 5 -8?

[1862] I don't know.

[1863] I'm about 5 -10.

[1864] Let's find out.

[1865] I got a Napoleon complex.

[1866] What's the average height?

[1867] What's the average American height?

[1868] What's the average male American height?

[1869] Okay.

[1870] Let's see.

[1871] I'm saying 5 -9.

[1872] The average U .S. is 5 -5.

[1873] 5 .10?

[1874] The average?

[1875] Yep.

[1876] No. Yeah, that's, yeah.

[1877] That's not average.

[1878] That's what they're saying.

[1879] Is that that higher than average?

[1880] What do you think?

[1881] I think average would be maybe.

[1882] Well, this one thing says 5 .10.

[1883] Average male, American height.

[1884] Average female, male, U .S. is 5 '10 inches.

[1885] Okay.

[1886] Yeah, it says, here's another one.

[1887] U .S. male.

[1888] five foot ten inches i'll take it i haven't done as much research as though it's just i've just been me and my friend well i think it goes up i think it's gone up definitely since i was born and i think part of it is nutrition people understand things and they also understand not to smoke when you're in the womb i think that's that fucked a lot of kids up a lot of women used to smoke when they were they were pregnant my mom smoked yeah yeah she spoke for me and my sister she apologized to you nope we don't bring it up really what's she gonna do apologize for the past i guess right let it go gives a fight it go okay now it's yeah yeah basically basically almost every one of these studies shows it's about five foot 10 from for for now okay in the u .s which is interesting because it's definitely gone up uh over uh see what is that average this is the netherlands the USA France and Japan average man so Japan is the shortest With BMI and Japan's changing too, though, man. There's a lot of much bigger dudes in Japan now than there was.

[1889] Like during the World War II days, they're way bigger.

[1890] So what is the, what's the theory behind Japanese having the shortest?

[1891] Is it just because they don't mix with other races as much?

[1892] And so it's just their own genetics?

[1893] Could be.

[1894] There's a lot of factors.

[1895] It could be.

[1896] It could be also that it's an island.

[1897] You know, it's not the biggest place in the world.

[1898] You know, it's not a tiny island.

[1899] It's not like, on real islands, like real small places, they have a thing called island dwarfism.

[1900] Yeah.

[1901] Or things on that island are, like, that's, if you ever seen that little creature that they found, Homo Floriancis, he's the Hobbit Man that they found that lived like 14 ,000 years ago?

[1902] No. You never seen that?

[1903] Oh, fascinating shit, man. 14 ,000 years ago, there was little people that lived alongside human beings that looked just like you or I. And they were these little tiny, like, hot.

[1904] hobbit -like creatures.

[1905] They were like three feet tall.

[1906] And they were a type of human being.

[1907] Not like human, not like Neanderthal.

[1908] Pull up the images.

[1909] Like there's an, there's an image of homo Floriancis that they made, the Hobbit Man. And this island of Flores.

[1910] They found one and they thought it was like maybe a child's bone or something like that.

[1911] But then they realized that it was structurally different than a human beings.

[1912] And they thought it might have been just an aberration, like someone who had some sort of a disorder.

[1913] And then they started finding more of them.

[1914] And then they found out that they buried their young.

[1915] They would find, like, little graveyards and shit.

[1916] Yeah.

[1917] They found stone tools.

[1918] They realized they used tools and evidence of use of fire.

[1919] Pretty insane shit.

[1920] Yeah, that's crazy.

[1921] That's not that long ago, man. 14 ,000 years ago.

[1922] And what's really crazy is there's people that think that there's something like that that's still alive today.

[1923] Just in a small, their own ice thing?

[1924] Small islands, yeah.

[1925] See, that gives you an idea of it.

[1926] But there's some good images of those things.

[1927] But then you see, like, with Neanderthal, gorillas, human beings, like, look how little those fucking things were.

[1928] And they were a type of people.

[1929] Right.

[1930] That's a freaky shit, man. That is true.

[1931] Yeah.

[1932] And it's a real thing.

[1933] I mean, it really existed.

[1934] What is the big guy on the far right?

[1935] Not in Neanderthal, but the guy next to him.

[1936] Yeah, who's that dude?

[1937] Jesus.

[1938] That's a big fucking dude.

[1939] That looks very ape -like, too.

[1940] Like, look how long his arms are.

[1941] That's Jesus.

[1942] What's it say?

[1943] I can't read it.

[1944] Middle.

[1945] yeah whatever it is we glad we moved past that those dudes would be running shit if they were still around that looks like a combination of like a homo sapien and like almost like a gorilla like how extra long his arms are i mean it might be just the artist's depiction yeah that looks like a scary cat to run into on the savannah fuck all that well apparently there was a bunch of um people that lived in russia The two, as recently as I think it was 40 ,000 years ago, that were completely different than Homo sapiens, too.

[1946] Another different type.

[1947] 40 ,000 years ago.

[1948] Wow.

[1949] Russian, new type of person, type of human, 40 ,000 years ago.

[1950] Have you been to Japan before?

[1951] incredibly clean and unbelievably polite and like really almost crime -free completely like when you walked on the streets you don't worry about shit every i mean you're in a major metropolitan area like Tokyo yeah and it seems like the most peaceful place on earth very little aggression everyone's very polite people are like like whether it's shopkeepers or restaurant owners or like when you're walking on the street you don't have any sense of chaos like you have in new york city right israel already oh that's cool man yeah yeah i want to go there Yeah, oh, here's it is.

[1952] It's in the National Geographic.

[1953] DNA reveals lost relative from 40 ,000 years ago.

[1954] Russian researchers dug up a sliver of human fingerbone from an isolated Siberian cave.

[1955] The team storted away for later testing, assuming that the nondescript fragment came from one of those Neanderthals who left a welter of tools.

[1956] I don't even know what a welter is.

[1957] I haven't heard that expression.

[1958] Welter?

[1959] Welter of tools.

[1960] Did that be?

[1961] Yeah.

[1962] Well, no. Have you ever heard of that?

[1963] What's a W -E -L -T -E -R, Weltero Tools.

[1964] And a cave between 30 and 48 ,000 years ago.

[1965] Nothing about the bone seemed extraordinary, but the genetic material told a different story.

[1966] When the German researchers extracted and sequenced the DNA from the fossil, they found that it did not match that of Neanderthals or of modern human beings, which were also living nearby at the time.

[1967] So a new genetic data revealed that the bone may belong to a previously unrecognized extinct human species that migrated out of Africa long before our known relatives that's 40 ,000 years ago man there was a different type of fucking human that went to Russia that was in Russia in Siberia?

[1968] From Africa yep so Africa sucked back then well people always keep walking dude they just keep going that's just what in us we keep going I guess maybe people get to California and then they decided to move to Maui like let's just keep going but yes they got direct flights still Not back then That's crazy Yeah That wasn't Was that boats back That was just 40 ,000 years ago Most likely no boats Just straight up walking and walking and walking Yeah They're starting to fucking backdate boats though They've backdated boats quite a bit I think they found evidence of Tuna Like oldest evidence of Tuna Like way earlier than they ever thought Oldest Known Tuna boat Tuna boat.

[1969] The first dude did make a boat was like, man, I got to get the fuck out of here.

[1970] I don't even know where I'm going.

[1971] Well, they had it, wow, dude, sweat this.

[1972] They had boats, they were fishing boats in 310 AD.

[1973] The earliest known boat was made, it's a 7 ,000 -year -old boat found in Kuwait.

[1974] That's the earliest known boat.

[1975] But now they found evidence of deep -sea fishing 42 ,000 years old.

[1976] A boat?

[1977] This is the newest shit.

[1978] Well, they found evidence of tuna bones.

[1979] And tuna are deep sea fish, so someone had to go out there and get these motherfuckers.

[1980] The earliest known boats found in France and Neanderthal are only 10 ,000 years old, but archaeologists know that they don't tell the whole story.

[1981] Wood and other common boat building materials don't preserve well in the archaeological record and the colonization of Australia and the nearby islands of Southeast Asia, which began at least 45 ,000 years ago required sea crossings of at least 30 kilometers.

[1982] So they know that 45 ,000 years ago, someone had a boat that could go about 60 miles, right?

[1983] Isn't that what it is?

[1984] Kilometers?

[1985] 100 kilometers and 62 miles?

[1986] No, the opposite.

[1987] So it's less.

[1988] Kilometer is less than a mile, correct?

[1989] Okay.

[1990] So a little bit more miles than that, like double.

[1991] Yeah, hundreds, yeah.

[1992] 60 -something.

[1993] That's crazy.

[1994] Yeah, whether or not these migrants put it...

[1995] Is that how it goes?

[1996] Because kilometer...

[1997] Wait, how many kilometers again?

[1998] How many...

[1999] 30 kilometers.

[2000] 30 kilometers is 20 miles.

[2001] Okay.

[2002] Okay, so it's less.

[2003] Miles are less than kilometers, right?

[2004] Yeah.

[2005] Right, because 100 kilometers an hour is 62 miles an hour.

[2006] All right, okay.

[2007] So 30 kilometers, probably 20 -ish miles in a boat.

[2008] 45 ,000 years ago.

[2009] Yet whether these early migrants put out to sea deliberately in boats or simply drifted from the tides in rafts meant for near shore exploration as a matter of fierce debate.

[2010] So they at least had that.

[2011] This is crazy, man. That's crazy that they think people were deep sea fish in 40 ,000 years ago.

[2012] People had to eat.

[2013] Yeah, but I mean, it's amazing.

[2014] They found half of the fish in these areas.

[2015] that these people lived in off of Australia 42 ,000 years ago.

[2016] Half of the fish they found were tuna and sharks that live in deep water.

[2017] They also found a fish hook from a mollusk shell, a mollusk shell and dated it to 23 ,000 years ago.

[2018] That's incredible.

[2019] People were fucking doing some crazy shit back then, man. People were hungry and they were tired of deer.

[2020] Yeah, and like we were saying, saying man they keep going people keep going they came here from fucking Africa even if they these dudes that went from Africa all the way to Siberia and then they died there was it that hot it was the heat that did it right could be a million what's the no food competition no food driven away by predators driven away by other humans who knows but driven away that far we gotta keep there's a lot in between Africa and Russia and it If they were doing it on foot, fucking, hey, man. 40 ,000 years ago, they might have been doing it on foot.

[2021] It's very plausible.

[2022] They might not have even had horses.

[2023] Just walking.

[2024] Well, shoes.

[2025] They probably figured out shoes, right?

[2026] Or they might not need them.

[2027] Leaf feet?

[2028] I don't know.

[2029] Leaf feet?

[2030] Have you ever seen that show?

[2031] I forget what it was called Dual Survivor or something like that.

[2032] There was two dudes, and they would go wandering around surviving in the woods.

[2033] Yeah.

[2034] Like, their whole thing was surviving.

[2035] And like they would do a thing like Survivor Man, but there was two of them.

[2036] Is it a competition?

[2037] No, they would just survive.

[2038] Okay.

[2039] They would just show you how you would create a house and this is how you go catch fish and this is how you protect yourself from rainstorms.

[2040] But one dude, everywhere he went, he would go barefoot.

[2041] His name was Cody.

[2042] I think Cody, he's got the nastiest feet of all time.

[2043] He was like thick cows all over the bottom of his feet like a shoe because he never takes his fucking, he never puts his shoes on.

[2044] He walks everywhere.

[2045] So the skin on his feet are just hard.

[2046] hard as a rock.

[2047] Yeah, that's disgusting.

[2048] It's pretty disgusting.

[2049] Probably when he comes to people's place, they ask him to put shoes on.

[2050] Yeah, they come out, Cody's coming over your house.

[2051] You give them your slippers.

[2052] No, you keep them.

[2053] You can keep them, man. You got to cover those fucking nasty feet.

[2054] I eat in this house.

[2055] I don't know what's flying off of your feet while you're wandering around.

[2056] That is nasty.

[2057] There's something particularly offensive about feet.

[2058] Like someone can have some, you know You can have dry skin on your forearm It doesn't really bother people But if you got some That's his foot He's rubbing it with a rock Why is he rubbing it with a rock?

[2059] Is that a calice or like some type of fungus That white thing or that's a What am I looking at?

[2060] You're looking at a foot But no, it's two other things there That's a big toe Okay What about the white right there?

[2061] What is that?

[2062] That's his toe?

[2063] It's wrapped Yeah I think what he's doing is Pulling his toe back And he's rubbing it with a rock to make me wear it now.

[2064] I thought the white part, I thought that was...

[2065] If I get hard, I'll get scared.

[2066] I don't know why he made that choice.

[2067] I'm sure he knows about shoes.

[2068] It's got to be a more effective strategy.

[2069] Marketing.

[2070] That's true, right?

[2071] I wanted to stand out from the other guy be more memorable, get mentioned on the Joe Rogan podcast.

[2072] That's a good point, man. It did work out because the other dude nobody knows who the fuck he is.

[2073] That's so true.

[2074] Marketing is so.

[2075] so important.

[2076] Like, what does everybody know about Einstein?

[2077] It's got this fucking crazy hair, man. Yeah.

[2078] Not just the Eagles MC Square.

[2079] They know what he looked like.

[2080] It's all wild and nutty.

[2081] Yeah.

[2082] Nikola Tesla.

[2083] No one knows what that dude looks like.

[2084] No. Why?

[2085] Because he was a slick little Croatian dude.

[2086] Very slim.

[2087] wore a suit and tie.

[2088] Look normal.

[2089] Yeah.

[2090] Nobody gives a fuck about that guy.

[2091] Nobody cares.

[2092] Nobody plays Nikola Tesla for Halloween.

[2093] But people will dress up like Einstein.

[2094] Everybody knows your Einstein.

[2095] Exactly.

[2096] Damn.

[2097] You're right.

[2098] Got to get you a look.

[2099] Have you ever thought about a look?

[2100] like perhaps like maybe something that people will remember you I mean you're talking about a catchphrase for a pig hunting maybe maybe you need like you know something it really sets the phrase a type of outfit or something yeah get the same outfit every time has anybody ever done that same outfit yeah like a Bruce Lee outfit oh like a Bruce Lee out no Bruce Lee were that game of death outfit and if you see anybody in a yellow track suit with black stripes you automatically think of Bruce Lee Remember when he fought Kareem Abdul -Jabbar You had the track suit?

[2101] I don't remember.

[2102] You don't remember, dude?

[2103] I see it.

[2104] You've never seen that track suit?

[2105] Come on.

[2106] I haven't seen a lot of the essential movies of television.

[2107] You've never seen Bruce Lee movies?

[2108] I've seen a couple.

[2109] Oh, you need to see that.

[2110] Gabriel Iglesias is a comic that does that with his shorts.

[2111] That's a good point.

[2112] And he has the painting a silhouette of him behind it as part of his stage set.

[2113] Oh, does he?

[2114] Always, yeah, always shorts and the Hawaiian shirt or something.

[2115] And always a silhouette, even when he's at clubs?

[2116] Not a silhouette, but like a logo will be behind him.

[2117] And now I'm talking about for his specials on TV.

[2118] Oh, for a special.

[2119] Yeah, and probably if he plays, you know, he plays, like, yeah, huge places.

[2120] So probably he has some type of set piece or something.

[2121] He does huge places and he does clubs too.

[2122] Like, Gabriel will do like, he'll do like nine shows in a week.

[2123] He'll do like a 6 p .m. show.

[2124] he'll do an 8 p .m. show, a 10 p .m. show, and a midnight show.

[2125] Yeah.

[2126] He's crazy like that.

[2127] He does early shows for kids, like families can come.

[2128] Yeah.

[2129] Do, like, a 5 p .m. show when it's light out.

[2130] Wow.

[2131] I think he holds the record for the most consecutive sellouts at the Ice House.

[2132] Sold out, like, some insane amount of shows in a row.

[2133] Like, he was there for two weeks in a row, like, every day.

[2134] Yeah.

[2135] Does Monday night shows and shit.

[2136] I haven't seen him live.

[2137] I've seen...

[2138] He brings a lot of people with him.

[2139] Brings, like, a lot of stand -ups.

[2140] Supports a lot of dudes.

[2141] Yeah, and just, he, like, you know, supports there.

[2142] He's a genuinely good guy.

[2143] Like, as far as, like, I remember Trevor Noah used to tour with him.

[2144] And he, Trevor, and he, and Gabriel was like, you got to get merch, man. And so Gabriel got him some shirts made up.

[2145] And then Trevor said he was killing it on merch after shows and shit.

[2146] Yeah, people love to buy shit if you got a catchphrase, you know, if you got something.

[2147] Bam, bam, bam, we're eating ham.

[2148] Joe Rogan.

[2149] You need to make one, man. Man, come on, dude, do it.

[2150] We'll take you pig hunting, and when you kill a pig, you got to say that.

[2151] Yeah.

[2152] That'll be your shit.

[2153] And then we'll start making a t -shirt.

[2154] I'm definitely, you don't get high when you hunt, do you?

[2155] No. I mean, I know people who do, I know a dude who deer hunts high.

[2156] Yeah?

[2157] Yeah, he likes it.

[2158] He's an old hippie.

[2159] He smokes a little weed and goes out there.

[2160] He don't look like a hippie, but there's a lot of hippie in him.

[2161] He loves to take a one -hand.

[2162] take a blast, and then go out and go hunting.

[2163] It feels like you're more in tune with nature.

[2164] Yeah, I feel like if I shot an animal high, I'd freak out.

[2165] Oh, no. I've just taken life.

[2166] It was once alive.

[2167] Now because of my actions, it isn't alive anymore.

[2168] Oh, it's freaked out, probably.

[2169] But you wouldn't get bummed out if you went and ordered a cheeseburger.

[2170] If you went to in and out, you're so disconnected from the process.

[2171] It's just deliciousness.

[2172] It's just real fast, too.

[2173] Do you think that's a part of human evolution is that there's a reason why we're moving past this whole hunting gathering thing and that in the future that not only will not be necessary but like we won't even have those desires anymore No I think it's just It's convenience man People got jobs and shit We can't be shooting pigs For sure for sure But so if your lifestyle can sustain that That you know Going out there and waiting for two hours and taking a shot and skinned it and then cutting it and putting it on the grill and doing all that, then it's cool.

[2174] But, you know, the reason food is processed how it is is because people don't have time to be fucking with that.

[2175] Absolutely.

[2176] I mean, people with regular jobs absolutely don't have time.

[2177] But there's also people don't want to be a part of it.

[2178] Yeah.

[2179] People are moving away from it.

[2180] And I wonder if that is all a part of the process that's going to lead people to develop artificial food that's just like food that you get from animals.

[2181] Right.

[2182] Because they've already figured out how to do that.

[2183] They've already made science.

[2184] They figured out how to make some sort of an artificial stake.

[2185] It was unbelievably expensive, like $250 ,000 or something like that to create this meat that they grew in a test tube or in a laboratory somewhere.

[2186] But I think that maybe that's like the first echoes of this sort of cultural shift from being hunter -gatherers to being able to go to grocery store to there's no need to kill an animal because we're going to make artificial.

[2187] meat and everybody would just eat scientifically created meat that's totally nutritious and healthy they'll fuck it up for a couple of years and some of it'll you know some people get like some weird Crohn's disease and shit like that from the artificial meat but then eventually they'll get it down so it's even more nutritious than like wild game I don't know if I want to go that route I don't know either but I think it's inevitable yeah yeah I think so I think there's a reason why I think it's the transition there's a reason why people find hunting distasteful Even people, some people that eat meat.

[2188] They don't even want to know how the animal dies.

[2189] They don't want to be a part of it.

[2190] They certainly don't want to see a video.

[2191] And they definitely don't want to go shoot an animal.

[2192] Right.

[2193] So why do they like meat?

[2194] Like, why do they?

[2195] It tastes good, man. It tastes delicious.

[2196] But why are they okay with that?

[2197] Because I think there's like, that's like the bridge between us and then the new us, which just figures out how to do everything synthetically.

[2198] Just recreate it, just like they can recreate everything.

[2199] I mean, they're going to recreate people, for sure.

[2200] If we stay alive for another thousand years, if human beings are still on this planet a thousand years from now, we will have artificial humans that are indistinguishable.

[2201] It'll be some 100 % blade runner shit.

[2202] Yeah, I feel like a thousand years is going to get weird.

[2203] Sometimes I think about the future and get bummed out that I won't get to see how crazy it is.

[2204] You might.

[2205] Just based on how the shift has been during my lifetime.

[2206] You say I might.

[2207] You might.

[2208] It might be so crazy you might actually get to see 500.

[2209] years from now.

[2210] I'm not bullshitting, man. If you pay attention to guys like Ray Kurzweil and all these futurists that are at the cusp of technology that really understand what innovations are being created and all the different things they have on the pipeline.

[2211] They're getting pretty close.

[2212] They're getting pretty close.

[2213] They say that the person that's alive today is going to be the first person to live to be 150 years old.

[2214] Yeah.

[2215] And they think that that's just today.

[2216] That that person will probably be alive to meet a person lives to be a thousand I just made that I just made that up you said it was such confidence man I mean I only made up the part about that person would probably be yeah but the 150 thing that's pretty much consensus 150 I mean but that's a lot but yeah that feels more feasible because what is the latest has been 117 hundred 20 something like that it's hard to tell because it's hard to find out who's telling the truth when they get to be that old those old cunts they didn't have fucking paperwork they don't get nothing to lose nobody's going to challenge them like yeah you do look old as fuck We believe you.

[2217] What's the point?

[2218] Society needs this story anyway.

[2219] Yeah, who is?

[2220] Let's take a guess.

[2221] I'm going to say 122 years old.

[2222] The oldest, I think it's 117, 118, there's the oldest person recently.

[2223] Let's find out right now.

[2224] Oldest person ever was 116 years old.

[2225] Oldest living person.

[2226] The oldest ever was 122.

[2227] Oh, wow.

[2228] Yeah, she was from France.

[2229] What about those Bible folks?

[2230] Oh, the 600 -year -old Noah?

[2231] What about those folks?

[2232] Well, I think their calendars were dog shit back then.

[2233] They were talking about weeks.

[2234] Yeah, the calendars were written down on stones.

[2235] Happy birthday.

[2236] It's Monday.

[2237] Yeah, the idea that those people lived 600 years, that's hilarious.

[2238] But what if back then what was going on is they were super technologically advanced and then the flood came along and fucked everything up.

[2239] And they had to start from scratch.

[2240] And what if Noah really was 600 years old?

[2241] Because Noah was a part of an ancient civilization That was far more advanced And that's why God got pissed These motherfuckers, these dummies Are living to be 600 years old All right, fuck this I'm just gonna start with Noah I'm just gonna, Noah you seem like a good guy But Well, it's ridiculous Yeah It's also ridiculous that we are The children of Noah's incest Yeah Was it Noah's incest?

[2242] Who else is, who fucks?

[2243] I mean, how many people were left?

[2244] There's Noah and how many people?

[2245] It's family, right?

[2246] Oh, you mean, oh, you mean, yeah, his incest, yeah.

[2247] I mean, he didn't bring along a bunch of hot Swedish chicks for excellent genetic material and just shoot loads into all of them.

[2248] And even if he did, just that small gene pool.

[2249] If Noah brought over 50 people and just fuck those 50 chicks, it was just him and 50 chicks, the whole human race would be a mess.

[2250] The whole human race.

[2251] All crazy interbreeding.

[2252] It would take generations to fucking fix all that shit.

[2253] Right.

[2254] No, yeah, it's not, I'm not, uh, that stuff is all goofy.

[2255] It's goofy stuff.

[2256] It's definitely goofy, but they're still, there's people to this day, still believe it.

[2257] A giant, a giant percentage.

[2258] A giant percentage.

[2259] Very passionate about it, too.

[2260] It's, uh, I try not to get into it with those types.

[2261] Well, they don't, I don't, I don't, I'm never in situations where I'm talking with a religious person or debate.

[2262] I talk about it in my stand up a little bit.

[2263] and pretty much that's it.

[2264] But it does baffle me a little bit.

[2265] People get mad on Twitter.

[2266] Why don't you go after the Muslims?

[2267] You always going after us Christians.

[2268] First of all, because Muslims are a more dangerous target, dummy.

[2269] What are you?

[2270] Pretending?

[2271] Yeah.

[2272] And second of all, because you're right here.

[2273] You're right here in America.

[2274] Land of the Free Home and Brave.

[2275] We believe in zombies.

[2276] My family has Christians.

[2277] Yeah.

[2278] It's more relatable.

[2279] I grew up, Christian.

[2280] So is this a different...

[2281] Yeah.

[2282] Yeah.

[2283] This is also a much more ridiculous place to get hoodwicked.

[2284] You know, we're not living in some backwards fucking crazy culture that's run by some, well, sort of our, but not as much so as these ancient cultures.

[2285] Yeah.

[2286] These cultures that have been, you know, they're a lot of their ideas about what people shouldn't, shouldn't do are thousands of years old.

[2287] They've stuck them.

[2288] Right.

[2289] Yeah, it's just, it's really weird that I talk about people getting the Holy Ghosts sometimes.

[2290] Oh, that's great.

[2291] I love that.

[2292] Pentecostals.

[2293] The Pentecostals and Baptist where people were just like, really?

[2294] Is that, are you doing that?

[2295] Is that, it makes you feel like that.

[2296] The Lord makes you dance.

[2297] Speaking in tongues.

[2298] Speaking in tongues.

[2299] Is that you, do you, did you just want to do that and you just had this excuse, using religion as an excuse?

[2300] Like, are you speaking?

[2301] What is, it's just, that's confusing when it's just, when religion turns into a reason for people to just act out.

[2302] and be weird publicly.

[2303] I like when they do it on TV.

[2304] You ever see Robert Tilden?

[2305] You know who that guy is?

[2306] Probably by face, if he's a religious dude.

[2307] He's one of the most ridiculous all -time dudes, but he would, like, in the middle of his broadcast.

[2308] Oh, so la makalakalakasimatala.

[2309] Just totally, completely, obviously fake language that he was making up on the spot.

[2310] Very repetitive, very unlike a real language.

[2311] It varies in tone and sounds.

[2312] Right.

[2313] He's uncreative with his Samalamala la la la calagama Halama la calagalacalakalakalakal like it keeps repeating the same sounds over and over again.

[2314] Yeah, it stinks.

[2315] I can understand, I understand the structure of it.

[2316] That's him?

[2317] Yeah.

[2318] Oh, man. Is he speaking in tongues here?

[2319] And bread for eating will also provide and multiply.

[2320] Oh, that's the opening of the windows of heaven.

[2321] Oh, this is the farting preacher video.

[2322] I want to hear him talking tongues.

[2323] Are they just putting a fart sounds?

[2324] Yeah, they put any fart sounds while he's, it's very juvenile.

[2325] YouTube is pretty hilarious.

[2326] Yeah, I'm going to take this preacher, fart sounds, gunshot noises.

[2327] You know what this needs?

[2328] I'm going to do a super cut of this, but I'm going to put this song over it so it looks like he's singing to this.

[2329] You know what else?

[2330] The internet figured out that people outside the internet ever figured out memes.

[2331] Yeah.

[2332] Those memes?

[2333] Yeah, pictures were words.

[2334] Like a picture with you, bam, bam, we're eating ham.

[2335] I mean, that's, without a doubt, someone has made that.

[2336] It's already having it.

[2337] Without a doubt, I'll go to my message board right now, and I guarantee you, there is a photo up on my message board that says, bam, bam, we're eating ham, and it shows you.

[2338] And if not...

[2339] Oh, you?

[2340] Because that's your catchphrase.

[2341] No, it's your catchphrase.

[2342] You said it, man. But I'm not hunting.

[2343] I don't need it.

[2344] Man, I ghost right sometimes.

[2345] You said it.

[2346] You said it.

[2347] If you said it, it's up there, man, without a doubt.

[2348] I guarantee you it's up there.

[2349] If it's not up there by the end of this broadcast, someone will at least be working on it.

[2350] That's the beauty of the internet, man. It is crazy.

[2351] Oh, it's the greatest thing ever, man. We're so lucky as comics to be able to release specials and shit in this time.

[2352] Like, your special is going to be on Comedy Central Air Saturday night.

[2353] Yeah.

[2354] But it also, you could get it online right now.

[2355] Right.

[2356] Right?

[2357] For the people that don't want to wait They want to have it on the computer Go get that shit Fuck waiting Get it And can you play it on iPads and everything You can play it on your phone Everything I think phone also yes Beautiful That's beautiful Yeah see look at that This is a beautiful time For stand up distribution Instant access Where we could say Hey man Hannibal's a funny motherfucker you need to go see live From Chicago Boom someone can go online And at the end of my sentence They're already in the They're already clear clicking in and yeah it's incredible it is a good time yeah PayPal boom and and that's the that's what Amazon one click the fucking shit in me the beauty is of Twitter and things like that too is I find out about new music or I find out about news and different things or if I'm in New York you know I might just search if I'm I'm I'll search oh the city that I'm in I'll just search this city events and I'll find out this person is playing a concert I didn't even know they're playing a concert but I found out about it through Twitter or just saying hey what's the best restaurant here in Denver and then people give you restaurant suggestions and then you go and then it's great so that's the that's the beauty of Twitter and the immediacy of the internet is that access and just having that information and being able to use it fuck yeah I use because I use an Android phone I use Amazon and so I use Amazon for for music for comedy for anything And I was coming home from the improv in Irvine, and I said, I need to hear some fucking new comedy.

[2358] I'm like, everybody keeps telling this animal breast motherfucker's funny.

[2359] Let me go check it out.

[2360] So I got this.

[2361] I got animal furnace.

[2362] Dude, it's fucking badass.

[2363] And I got it within 10 minutes.

[2364] Yeah.

[2365] Within 10 minutes, I had it on my, I mean, not even.

[2366] I was driving, and I was playing it within like 30 seconds.

[2367] And the whole thing was downloaded within a couple of minutes.

[2368] I only had 3G at the time.

[2369] I couldn't even get 4G.

[2370] And boom, it's on your phone And you're listening while you're driving It's amazing And it's good to Issues with fans I had one where My special in Chicago When I shot the special The ticket price was kind of low So it got scalped Kind of heavy It got scalped And then scalpers were online I mean people Write me saying I want to come to a show But you know Fuck it I'm paying $200 for this scalper And I was like Fuck that Don't pay $200 bucks you can donate to this charity Mercy Home and screen cap a screencapped a receipt showing that you donate it and I'll put you on my guest list you know what I mean but that's just through Twitter I just have Twitter I just have angry fans buying scalp which probably still is some that angry fans buying scalp tickets but I was able to at least in a couple situations with shows have been sold out or shows have been getting scout I'm able to put somebody on my guest list just because if they donate to that charity.

[2371] That's beautiful.

[2372] What's the charity?

[2373] What is it?

[2374] It's Mercy Home.

[2375] And what is Mercy Home do?

[2376] Mercy Home in Chicago.

[2377] It just helps, you know, young black kids in Chicago just with programs and just education, after school programs and things like that.

[2378] That's amazing, man. That's a great idea.

[2379] That's a really great idea.

[2380] Are you from Chicago?

[2381] Yeah, I'm from Chicago.

[2382] Because Ari Shafir went, we were in Chicago.

[2383] Ari and I were doing...

[2384] Y 'all were in their town now.

[2385] It's the same.

[2386] Yeah, but UFC was happening.

[2387] Yeah, we did the Chicago Theater Friday night, and then R. went and go went and checked you out was it Friday night or Saturday night it was Saturday night I shot yeah so he went and checked you out I think after the fights were over yeah yeah I think he he went there right after the fights were over went and checked out your special yeah that's cool man what where'd you play in Chicago to Vic so that was this show that was this show oh so this is fresh man this is fresh out of the box it's only a couple months they turned it over we turned it over fast was that when was it that January or something right It's filmed January 25th.

[2388] Wow.

[2389] Damn, that's perfect, though.

[2390] Yeah.

[2391] That way you get, there's probably some jokes on TV if they're topical.

[2392] Like, do you have anything topical that, like, is that still applicable today?

[2393] That's nice.

[2394] Nothing really topical.

[2395] I talk about music a little bit, current music and things like that, but nothing political.

[2396] What's up with the beach boys?

[2397] What's up with these guys?

[2398] Beach boys.

[2399] How about these fucking monkeys?

[2400] Duran, Duran, Duran, Duran, Duran.

[2401] They're so weird.

[2402] They always Duranan.

[2403] There's Duranan.

[2404] They're too sexy There's something about them I don't like how symmetrical they are Yeah It's one I always appreciated About Keith Richards and Mick Jagger They're kind of ugly They're kind of fucked up looking I like my music to come out of Some people that look like the experience of pain Yeah Bam bam, bam, we're eating ham Look I told you It's impossible to avoid The internet gives us no fuck And it's the right picture for it It's a great picture It's the right picture for it You're smiling with your TV teeth You're on stage TV teeth So, besides your special, where else can people find your tour dates?

[2405] A tour dates are on my website, it's Hannibalburrs .com.

[2406] I think, yeah, yeah, I only got a few days coming up while I try to get this new shit together.

[2407] Oh, that's right, man. That's a thing, right?

[2408] Yeah.

[2409] You got abandon the old and come up with some new.

[2410] Abandon the old or go half and half or something, so I'm working on it.

[2411] But yeah, Hannibalburrs .com, and I'm in, you know, at the knitting factory in Brooklyn on Sundays.

[2412] Every Sunday?

[2413] Every Sunday?

[2414] Unless I'm on the road.

[2415] But this Sunday coming up, I'm hosting.

[2416] Oh, that's cool.

[2417] So you host there?

[2418] Like you were talking about doing shows where you bring up your friends?

[2419] Is that what you do?

[2420] Yeah, bring up friends and have musical guests.

[2421] Because we have a, it's the front bar.

[2422] We have the main room that hosts about 300.

[2423] So that's when I have a couple musical guests.

[2424] Oh, that's awesome.

[2425] That's a great idea.

[2426] So, yeah, it's this act, Bridget Everett that's on.

[2427] That's amazing.

[2428] Have you seen Bridget Everett before?

[2429] No, no, no. She's just like this sort of comedy cabaret.

[2430] singing act but like gets crazy reaction from the crowd people flip when they see it what's unique about it it's just really good she's a good she's a great singer but then she also interacts with the crowd in a way where she'll just put a random crowd members face into her titty's in the middle of a song and she'll walk around it's a crazy just it's perfect live act like it's one of those acts too where it's a live act Well, you can watch it on, you might have videos up.

[2431] You can watch it and be like, that's cool, but you see her live.

[2432] It's like, holy shit.

[2433] Like, I remember watching people watch.

[2434] I like to watch how, you know, you see people's reactions.

[2435] I remember seeing some cats that only come and usually see stand up with my show.

[2436] But they're watching her like, what the fuck is going?

[2437] But she's, yeah, she was real good.

[2438] Then got Michael Che on that show.

[2439] That's her right there?

[2440] Yeah, it's her right there.

[2441] Let me hear some of this.

[2442] Wow, what an aggressive woman A lot of men can't handle that, Hannibal A lot of men get confused of a woman like that Oh, that's hilarious She just finds an audience dude and sits in his lap But she's sweating all over him And I bet that chick sweats a lot That's hilarious So you do this every Sunday?

[2443] The show is every Sunday What I'm there?

[2444] Yeah What made you decide to start doing something like that?

[2445] How did you get that started?

[2446] It was in 2009 I just started writing for Saturday Night Live and I did the opening night at the Native Factor.

[2447] It used to be in downtown Manhattan and then it moved to Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

[2448] I did open night, opening night there, opening for this band, LaSavi Five.

[2449] And then the management there said, we want to do a comedy night.

[2450] And so at the time, I was writing at Saturday Night Live, so my only open night was Sunday nights.

[2451] So I just started doing it, and it's built over time where it built in the audience.

[2452] It used to be, you know, Patsy artists, you know, it gets 20 people here, 30 people, but now it's packed all the time, and a lot of people drop in, like Louis's been through, Chris Rock comes through a little bit, Chappelle's been through once, Amy Schumer comes, like a lot of people come through the workout.

[2453] It's a savvy crowd, it's high energy, and it's a lot of fun.

[2454] That's where I try out my new shit, and it's kind of my, it's two blocks from my place, which is very convenient.

[2455] Oh, wow, so you can walk to work.

[2456] I walked.

[2457] I, at 9 o 'clock shows, sometimes I'm in a shower at 8 .50.

[2458] Now, you told people, though, but this.

[2459] the problem now that freaks are going to get near that area and scan out in a two -block grid and try to figure out where Hannibal lives.

[2460] Well, I'm moving and since I'm going to start to go hunting shrimps, I'm all right now.

[2461] I like the idea you hosting a show, too.

[2462] That's a great idea, man. That's what in Boston, that's what they used to do.

[2463] They used to have, like, the Steve Sweeney show, like the Boston headliners, and that guy would host, and he would bring up all these other comedians.

[2464] It's a lot of fun.

[2465] It's a way for me to kind of.

[2466] of stay, you know, because if you, once you headlining and just going on the road, it's easy to kind of get out of touch with who, you know, so it'll be comics that only been doing it for a year on the same show with, you know, Chris Rock or somebody.

[2467] So it's good to just see everybody and just, you know, and just, you know, I still like the, the structure of putting together a show, just knowing I should have this person on earlier, now to flow good into this and this person should go second half so I still enjoy I book it myself and everything so it's a lot of fun it's a good spot to just always I always try new stuff there every week and it's a fun time yeah we do that out here at the ice house Pasadena if you ever around man we do a lot of like Wednesday night shows if you ever hear on a Wednesday night and the same thing it'll be me and I'll bring along like Brian Callan Ari Shafir Duncan Joey Diaz will do it like all these different guys do it and having that same sort of situation where you're trying to figure out, hmm, he should go on after him and put him here and it's fun.

[2468] Yeah, it's fun, especially when it works out the right way.

[2469] You're like, oh, that feels, it just feels good kind of producing something all the time and just, you know, figuring out what, like, what comics the audience would respond on, what comics the audience would respond to, that kind of thing.

[2470] This is real cool.

[2471] Yeah, I like what you're doing too, though.

[2472] You're adding the musical element to it, too.

[2473] That's a great idea.

[2474] Yeah, the music element.

[2475] It's just good for energy, and it's just mixing it up.

[2476] It makes it more of an old school show.

[2477] Lately, I've been having kind of rappers and musicians open for me on the row.

[2478] In addition to having a comedian, I have one comedian.

[2479] Yeah, I'm doing Largo tonight, and this cat, it's got Thundercat.

[2480] It was amazing singer and bassist.

[2481] He's performing.

[2482] And so it's just been real, it's just a different vibe, and it just adds to another element to the show.

[2483] Also, I just want, I like giving people.

[2484] I get, I get, just because my ticket prices just started to go up, so I feel nerds.

[2485] So I want to give people as much as a show as possible.

[2486] So I got to have a musician.

[2487] I have a DJ with me, like, because I do musical stuff doing my set.

[2488] I talk about different rap songs, the DJ are queued up.

[2489] I got, I do a song at the end, ballerinas come out.

[2490] So I try to, like, do a, I'm like, man, people pay 30 bucks.

[2491] I'm trying to do it up.

[2492] So, yeah, I enjoy just trying to, you know, introduce people to introduce all.

[2493] audiences to new people and also just figure out just how to put on just a real show that people want to come back to.

[2494] Like, it's all about making people want to talk about and when I come back to their city wanting to come again.

[2495] Well, you're doing it because I keep hearing great things, man. I keep hearing great things.

[2496] Thanks, man. I've only done one show ever where I had music.

[2497] There was Joey Diaz, me and Doug Stanhope and Honey Honey, this band that's, they're actually going to be here tomorrow.

[2498] and we all did this show at the Wiltern in L .A. on December 21st, 2012, because it was supposed to be the end of the world.

[2499] Yeah.

[2500] That was when the Mayans, all the fucking freaky people were thinking that it was an awesome night.

[2501] It was an awesome night.

[2502] But it was the only time I've ever done a show.

[2503] Oh, it was a fucking beautiful show.

[2504] I wore a suit and everything.

[2505] I never wore a suit.

[2506] Oh, shit.

[2507] I wore a slick clothes.

[2508] It felt odd, but I liked it.

[2509] But it felt good.

[2510] Like, you know, it was fun to do like a big show too.

[2511] Musical guests.

[2512] I got to do more of those.

[2513] Yeah, it just adds another energy to it, especially if the crowd is, is the thing about doing it is just making sure that music and comedy can work as long as people are a little bit.

[2514] It could work as a surprise, but when people are billed, it makes it better, especially for the comedian opening for a band.

[2515] Yeah.

[2516] If you walk out as a comedian for a band and they don't know that you come, like this is the word.

[2517] Years ago, open for this band, Unfrey McGee's.

[2518] And I think the gig was in DeKalb, Illinois.

[2519] It was about hour outside of Chicago's where Northern Illinois University is.

[2520] One of the band, they saw me at Zanis in Chicago Comedy Club, and they asked me to open for them.

[2521] And so, I think they were on at 9, and then at 8 .45, they tell me to go out, and the lights go down.

[2522] And so there's been no announcement that I'm going on.

[2523] It's just the lights went down.

[2524] and then I walk out and the crowd is like right away like no they just started yelling I'm freeze where's unfreeze at and it's not even the real showtime yet I'm up 15 minutes before the actual star time I was the only open but people were just so agitated because they didn't want to see a comedian they they you know bought these tickets probably months ago and then some comedian they never heard of is walking out so but it just helps when just the audience So all of the, because they didn't know either, the band was just trying to put me in a good spot.

[2525] They're like, we like this dude.

[2526] He should be on the show.

[2527] And now I'm known from doing shows that a situation like that, all it takes is for somebody from the band to even side stage on the mic or even come out and say, hey, we're going to be out in a little bit.

[2528] We got this comedian we like, check them out, we think it's funny.

[2529] And then that settles everything down because now that gives me credibility.

[2530] So it's just about the audience knowing what's going on.

[2531] And then that makes everything work easy.

[2532] When I bring people on the road with me, I always introduce him from the side stage.

[2533] I always say, thank you everybody for coming out and yell out and just get everybody hyped up and let him know.

[2534] Like, I'm bringing this comedian because I think he's hilarious.

[2535] Yeah.

[2536] You know, I want you to see good shit.

[2537] Yeah.

[2538] Some cats, the people I've opened for have done that for me, side stage.

[2539] Like, Demetri's done that, Aziz, Louis.

[2540] It just helps.

[2541] Yeah.

[2542] From side.

[2543] Gaffig.

[2544] Like, it just helps it, especially, I mean, your crowds might be a little bit more aggressive.

[2545] There's some others.

[2546] No, they're nice.

[2547] They're nice?

[2548] Yeah, they're very nice.

[2549] We do a show sometime, man. Yeah, let's do a show sometime.

[2550] Let's do a show sometime.

[2551] Let's do a show sometime.

[2552] That would be awesome, man. Yeah, I opened up for Bon Jovi once.

[2553] Yeah?

[2554] Where at?

[2555] I was in a theater in the round in, I think it was in Queens.

[2556] And it was a long time ago.

[2557] It was ridiculous.

[2558] First of all, I wasn't that good.

[2559] I'd only been doing comedy for like four years.

[2560] And second of all, they didn't want to see a comedian.

[2561] Yeah.

[2562] You know, it just was a terrible idea.

[2563] The whole idea was awful.

[2564] Yeah.

[2565] And I'm standing on this fucking stage surrounded by like a drum set and guitar.

[2566] I can't move.

[2567] I don't know where to stand.

[2568] It was, uh, they were doing a VH one thing.

[2569] Hold on.

[2570] Was the, uh, were the people like the rodeo or anybody?

[2571] Was they moving around and fixing shit behind you?

[2572] 100%.

[2573] That happens sometimes as a music is.

[2574] If a comedian's, they don't respect that they're still fixing the sound.

[2575] They might even bang on the drums a little bit and check the guitar.

[2576] Yeah.

[2577] No doubt.

[2578] Check things.

[2579] Check the drums.

[2580] They don't give a fuck.

[2581] They don't care about you.

[2582] They're just like, I'm trying to do my job the best way possible.

[2583] It was fuck you and your stand -up.

[2584] Yeah, it was just bizarre, man. It was just bizarre.

[2585] Being on a stage when nobody wants you to be doing comedy.

[2586] Like, they want you to go out there and do comedy for people who didn't want to come to see comedy.

[2587] They're a totally different mindset.

[2588] Going to see Bon Jovi and some unknown shithead telling bad jokes.

[2589] Yeah.

[2590] Waiting for Bon Jovi.

[2591] They also wanted me to like.

[2592] work the crowd like they wanted me to bring women up towards the front they wanted me to grab the most attractive women and ask them to come towards the front they wanted to like sort of engineer the front of the stage in the middle of your bombing exactly the middle of me eat and dick and there wasn't that many attractive women in the first place it was like picking the ones who were attractive was it wasn't the best job so were you able to do that at all I did something I mean it was a long time ago it was a disaster or whatever it was.

[2593] I remember getting out of there going, okay, now I know what it's like to open up for a band.

[2594] Fuck that.

[2595] And that was a nice crowd.

[2596] As far as, like, bands go, that's a nice crowd.

[2597] I just was terrible.

[2598] I shouldn't have been doing it.

[2599] I've had gigs where if there's not, I've done gigs recently.

[2600] Over the past year, it would have been horrible gigs with music, but I just bail early.

[2601] If I could feel it in the first couple jokes, I'm like, all right, this isn't fun.

[2602] Y 'all have a good one.

[2603] Would you still do it?

[2604] Like somebody called you up today and asked you to open up for a band?

[2605] Would you still do it?

[2606] It depends on the band.

[2607] If I won't do it, it'd have to be a favor and just something.

[2608] If it was a charity thing or if the money is right, but I'm not just going to turn out on the gig because of it being for a band.

[2609] It has to be, yeah, I have to ask some questions.

[2610] Well, it's getting also the point where people know who you are too.

[2611] So they come see you and the band, they expect you and the band that's part of the whole program.

[2612] That makes a lot more sense than...

[2613] Yeah, just me kind of floundering in front of a band.

[2614] But I think it's been two or three gigs where I just say, you know what?

[2615] I'm out of here, y 'all, and I'll still call it.

[2616] I'd be like, my name was Hannibal Burris.

[2617] See y 'all later.

[2618] Like, I wouldn't even...

[2619] That's good.

[2620] Because it's like, you know what?

[2621] The gig wasn't...

[2622] It wasn't right, but I don't...

[2623] I know there's no bearing on what I could do.

[2624] It just wasn't the right situation.

[2625] Did you ever see the one with Charlie Murphy, uh, tore the checkup?

[2626] You ever see that?

[2627] He didn't really tear that check up Well, he didn't He didn't?

[2628] I don't think he Do you know for sure?

[2629] I think I remember looking it up more I think he Kept that check And that was a show I don't know I know Charlie He's kind of crazy Yeah Charlie would definitely tear up a check Especially if he had money And he's got money Yeah He would chair up a check Until you go fuck yourself Really?

[2630] He's got a lot of character Well Yeah You guys got balls of steel Man Yeah I'm the type of dude I tear up a check And then have my agent ask for the wire.

[2631] On second thought, can you send that to this routing number, please?

[2632] Yeah, that's probably the more intelligent way you're doing it, quite honestly.

[2633] Just tear up a piece of paper.

[2634] Fuck a check.

[2635] I just want to think about your money.

[2636] Fuck you, bitch.

[2637] Yeah, yeah.

[2638] A symbolic check.

[2639] Yeah.

[2640] Hannibal, you're funny motherfucker.

[2641] Thank you very much for being on a podcast.

[2642] Thanks for having me. This was real cool.

[2643] I enjoyed it very much, man. Okay, Hannibal Burris.

[2644] Go to Hannibalburris.

[2645] You can follow Hannibal on Twitter and definitely either download it from Comedy Central or watch it this Saturday night.

[2646] What time is it on again?

[2647] It's on at midnight, midnight eastern and midnight Pacific and 11th Central and download it now if you want.

[2648] I like the name too, live from Chicago.

[2649] Why fuck around?

[2650] Why fuck around?

[2651] Yeah, why fuck around.

[2652] That's this hubcap shop in my old neighborhood.

[2653] Oh, really?

[2654] Yeah.

[2655] Hubcap shop still around.

[2656] Yeah, hubcap shop on North Avenue and Chicago.

[2657] All right.

[2658] it, folks.

[2659] We'll be back tomorrow.

[2660] We've got two podcasts tomorrow.

[2661] Adam Carolla and Honey Honey, and then Friday, it's Dennis McKenna on Friday.

[2662] So we got a lot of crazy shit this week.

[2663] Thanks to NatureBox.

[2664] Thanks to NatureBox.

[2665] Go to NatureBox .com and get 50 % off your first box.

[2666] Thanks also to onick .com.

[2667] Go to O -N -N -I -T.

[2668] Use the code word Rogan and save 10 % off any and all supplements.

[2669] All right, we'll see you dirty freaks tomorrow.

[2670] Oh, April 3rd, I will be at the Fillmore in Miami Beach with Tony Hinchcliff.

[2671] And then, where else am I?

[2672] April 18th, I'm in Orlando.

[2673] Yeah, April 18th, I'm in Orlando.

[2674] And the 23rd?

[2675] What's the other one?

[2676] Yeah, 25th, I'm in Baltimore.

[2677] Both of those are with Joey Diaz.

[2678] So Orlando is the 18th.

[2679] Go to Joe Rogan .net for tickets.

[2680] The Orlando's almost sold out, and Baltimore's almost.

[2681] all sold out as well, but there's still some tickets left from Miami.

[2682] All right, you freaks.

[2683] We love you.

[2684] We'll see you tomorrow.

[2685] Big kiss.