Calm Parenting Podcast XX
[0] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked.
[1] And what powers me is my AG1.
[2] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.
[3] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it.
[4] And the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiotics, and whole food sourced ingredients.
[5] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[6] Ag1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.
[7] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.
[8] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.
[9] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1.
[10] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel.
[11] packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[12] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[13] Check it out.
[14] Hey moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.
[15] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.
[16] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.
[17] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors, like chaotic hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.
[18] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.
[19] I feel like myself again.
[20] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.
[21] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.
[22] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.
[23] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.
[24] Do you have a strong will child who takes up like 90 % of the family's energy?
[25] Right?
[26] You often have to revolve where you're going around this child.
[27] The meltdowns happen and it derails like an entire evening.
[28] Or maybe you have a child who resists you over literally everything.
[29] So common everyday things should be simple or not.
[30] Or you have a child who shuts down or yells at you and says, I'm not going to school.
[31] I know this is frustrating.
[32] But I want to give you some insight.
[33] And my assumption is you have a child like that, otherwise you wouldn't be listening to the Calm Parenting podcast.
[34] But we're glad you're here.
[35] appreciate you sharing the podcast.
[36] Listen, if you need any help, reach out to Casey.
[37] It's our son.
[38] And he was a very, very strong -willed child who did everything I mentioned in the podcast, Casey did.
[39] And so he understands, we understand, email him, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.
[40] Tell us about your family, ages of the kids.
[41] We get together as a family, discuss it.
[42] We will reply back to you personally and usually pretty quickly because we want to help you.
[43] So it's our mission is.
[44] So let's set the scene here.
[45] And I want to let you know, this is a really important podcast.
[46] Please don't miss this one and please share it with other ones.
[47] I'm going to give you two things.
[48] One is very high level.
[49] I want to help you change the narrative in your heart and in your brain toward the strong will child and to see him or her in a different way because that is critical, very critical.
[50] And two, I want to give you some very practical strategies of ways you can actually change this dynamic and get kids out of the house in the morning and build their confidence.
[51] to do high level and then details.
[52] So here's the setting.
[53] I'm going to use this as the framework to discuss some larger themes and then get into the details.
[54] But I want you to know most of the situations are not what you think they are.
[55] And I know this because I get emails every day that say, well, my child is being disobedient.
[56] How can I stop this defiance?
[57] Right.
[58] And when I dig in further, I discover it's really not about that at all.
[59] But if that's how you frame it in your mind, Right?
[60] Well, my child's just being disobedient or my child's defiant.
[61] If that's how you're framing their behavior, their attitude, what's going on inside, you'll get lost in trying to coerce them, punish them, reward them, or bribe them.
[62] And none of those things will work.
[63] It will just leave you and your child more frustrated.
[64] A side note to my Christian parents and my religious parents.
[65] I know when I get messages from you, because you will use the term rebellious or disobedient almost all the time and I think that most of the time and I mean that most of the time I think you're not reading the situation correctly and because your framework is off sometimes of thinking that everything is about the outward behavior of the child and it's really not it's about what's going on inside the child that then drives the outward behavior and I say that as a cautionary note to those parents because I have seen this dynamic for 20 years.
[66] Well, I've got this disobedient child.
[67] He's not listening to the first time.
[68] Won't do what I say.
[69] And so now I'm going to bring down the hard discipline.
[70] We're going to stamp that defiance and disobedience out of that child.
[71] Not only does it not work, the child digs in even more, right?
[72] Fights back more.
[73] And now the relationship between the parent and the child gets severed.
[74] and the parent will often justify that, well, they're not listening to their parents and they need to.
[75] And I understand that.
[76] I'm not advocating that a child just do whatever he wants and get away with it.
[77] Not at all.
[78] I like firm, consistent, tough discipline.
[79] I like that.
[80] And the child likes that.
[81] But that's not often, that's not usually what we do.
[82] And we usually discipline at times when we don't need to be disciplining because there's nothing to discipline for.
[83] We're misreading the situation and I don't want relationships to continue to be ruined because of our mindset, right?
[84] And I'm not denying that your kids are difficult, they're challenging, they absorb all of this energy, they want to do things on their own terms, they resist constantly.
[85] I get that 100%.
[86] But I see these kids in their behavior in a different way.
[87] And that leads to coming up with actual solutions because you get to the root issue.
[88] And then instead of trying to stamp out the defiance, instead of punishing a child, which by the way is not, discipline remember discipline means to teach I give kids tools to succeed and it changes the whole dynamic so here's the scene let's say you've got a couple kids got three kids four kids doesn't matter to me and a couple of kids get up on time they get ready but you've got to still have that one child who's laying in bed see this is the misfit the one who doesn't really really fit in this is hermy the dentist or rudolph red -nosed reindeer right laying in bed being different not fitting in while the good kids are downstairs, behaving, doing as they should.
[89] See, if you don't think that our kids, strong -will kids, if you don't think that they don't internalize this very early on with devastating effects, then you're not seeing this correctly.
[90] Let me say it a different way, in a more blunt way.
[91] Our kids often internalize this from an very early age.
[92] I'm different, I'm bad, and sometimes they'll even say those things, right?
[93] So, and what happens is we get caught up in our parental anxiety, right, which is normal.
[94] It's expected.
[95] You should be, please pay attention to how I say this.
[96] You should be concerned about this child, but not because he or she is strong willed.
[97] I don't, I'm not concerned about strong will kids.
[98] What you should be worried about is how you and teachers and other adults and caregivers treat this child, view this child, and view their behavior because it ultimately crushes this child's spirit and their confidence early on and it lasts through the teen years.
[99] So let me say that again, right?
[100] I'm not worried about having a strong will child.
[101] I welcome that.
[102] And I'm not, so I'm not worried about that.
[103] And by the way, there is, please, there's no blame or guilt in anything that we do.
[104] I'm not blaming you.
[105] There's no blame, no guilt, no manipulation.
[106] I just want to own our stuff.
[107] And I want to be able to be blunt and honest with parents about things that are hurting your relationships.
[108] What you should be worried about is how we as parents, how you, how teachers and other people view your child and often crush the child's spirit very early on.
[109] Right?
[110] So, you have a child, you try to get them up.
[111] And the first thing you hear is, I'm not going to school.
[112] And of course, we as parents reply in a rational way, right?
[113] Talking about, well, you're healthy.
[114] Nothing's wrong in school day, so you're going to school.
[115] As if your child's going to say, oh, what you're saying has literally nothing to do with why I'm fighting you so hard to stay home.
[116] So once again, I feel misunderstood.
[117] Once again, I feel that I'm a pawn.
[118] in this little game where you just have to get me to do things and I feel misunderstood but you're so logical I'll just do what you say see that's that's not what you're going that's not what's going to happen and I want to throw this in as well your kids sometimes say things over and over again and I'm going to do a whole podcast on this sometime but we don't often listen right and so they say it and I want you to try this this week listen to your kids and your spouse without trying to convince them otherwise.
[119] See, they're telling you something.
[120] And I get it.
[121] I know you're like, look, we've got four kids.
[122] I got to get these kids to school.
[123] I can't spend all morning listening to one of them scream.
[124] And what I'm saying is when you reflect on this, really dig in and be curious.
[125] Why is your child resisting school?
[126] Try to get to the root of the issue.
[127] You don't have to do it in the morning right then.
[128] But we've got to get to the root.
[129] And so what happens?
[130] This child fights you over getting dressed.
[131] You have to drag this child downstairs.
[132] Can they eat breakfast normally?
[133] No, they've got to, you can fix eight different things and they still won't be happy.
[134] I get it.
[135] It is hard.
[136] It's going to be freezing outside because it's winter and they won't wear a jacket.
[137] Side note, don't freak out about that.
[138] Every single strong world child we've ever worked with him, we've worked with a million families, they do not like wearing constrictive things, right?
[139] It's a sensory thing and it's also they don't like being constricted.
[140] It's their psychological, mental, emotional profile.
[141] They don't like having expectations placed on them.
[142] They don't like all the rules and they don't like jackets put on them.
[143] I'm 56.
[144] I'm the same exact way.
[145] Chill.
[146] A lot of, look, I'm not going to send a four -year -old out in a blizzard without warm clothes.
[147] But if your child's just going to a bus stop or getting in the car, they don't have to put on their jacket to do that.
[148] Okay?
[149] Most of the time, again, if it's negative.
[150] 38 with a wind chill and you're living in Alberta, but most of the time it's our own parental anxiety because here's what's happening.
[151] I don't want the other parents and teachers think that I'm a bad mom sending my child to school in shorts.
[152] How many of your kids do that?
[153] Let go with that power struggle.
[154] You're creating it.
[155] Okay.
[156] So for the most part.
[157] So what happens then?
[158] Here's what this one mom said.
[159] She said we've tried sympathy.
[160] Sometimes sympathy backfires in a big way.
[161] because it sounds condescending.
[162] We've tried hugs, we've tried punishments.
[163] And we sit exasperated trying to watch this all going on.
[164] Right, when we get to school, the teacher comes out and asks our child to get out of the car and says, hey, are you ready to come into school?
[165] Well, of course not, right?
[166] So what we miss is this.
[167] Your child is telling you something else is going on.
[168] And I get your frustration, I really do, but this is really important.
[169] If your child could speak, and I don't care if your child's 3, 6, 8, 10, 14, 13, 15.
[170] It doesn't matter what age.
[171] Here's what your child really wants you to hear.
[172] I don't always feel in control of myself and I'm super sensitive to my surroundings.
[173] So I pick up on how people treat me and think about me and talk to me. And I pick up on all the chaos at school and it kind of freaks me out a little bit.
[174] I know I'm a little different and I can tell by the the way people treat me. So I've begun to internalize I'm the bad kid, that I don't always have a lot of friends.
[175] I have trouble following directions and school's really hard for me, but I know it's easy for other people, so I begin to think I'm stupid.
[176] And it feels like everybody's frustrated with me and I'm always in trouble and I'm anxious about going to school because it's out of my control and I have no idea what to do about it.
[177] And you don't either.
[178] Mom and dad, you're the grownups.
[179] You're the who's supposed to protect me from the things I get scared and anxious about.
[180] And I don't know I don't tell you the right way and I lash out at you, but I've been screaming about this for weeks or months now.
[181] And instead of helping me, you take things away from me and you get frustrated at me too.
[182] So all I have left is to lash out and run away and resist and hide.
[183] I don't know what else to do.
[184] Would you please help me?
[185] I want you to go back sometime after this podcast and listen.
[186] of that and listen to through the eyes of your six -year -old, your nine -year -old, your 15 -year -old, and see if that isn't true.
[187] Because a lot of what we do in the phone consultations, too, is go through this and I try to give voice to what the child's saying so that then we can address the real issue.
[188] This has nothing to do with, well, she's disobedient by not getting ready.
[189] It has literally nothing to do with the entire situation.
[190] And so if you address it as disobedience, and inside the child's like, I'm not being disobedient.
[191] I'm just anxious.
[192] And everything in my life feels out of control.
[193] And that's why I try to control everything.
[194] It's why when we play board games, I try to cheat.
[195] I change the rules.
[196] It's why I'm so particular.
[197] It's why I like to organize things at times.
[198] Although a lot of your kids make big messes, right?
[199] But if there's one goal I would give you over the holidays, it would be this, to truly understand your child.
[200] inside and out.
[201] You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface, and it's the same with acne.
[202] Phyla isn't just about fixing acne you can see, it's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores.
[203] Look, acne can be painful, both physically and emotionally.
[204] Whether your child is just starting to get breakouts or has been struggling with them for years, Phila is the safe, effective, side effect -free, and natural product that can help.
[205] Phila is like a spa treatment for your skin.
[206] Gentle, no irritation, no dryness, and definitely no harsh chemicals like benzene.
[207] It's safe for kids of all ages and dermatologist approved.
[208] Don't settle for temporary fixes.
[209] Tackle acne's root causes.
[210] Get 25 % off your first order of phyla with the code calm.
[211] Go to phyla .com and type in the code calm.
[212] That's p -h -y -l -a .com and use code word calm.
[213] Right.
[214] And if you have our programs, dig into them over the holidays.
[215] Email me with questions and I'll work through it.
[216] If you don't have them, by all means, go through it and listen to the Strong Will Child program.
[217] It is foundational for understanding these kids, right?
[218] And that is on sale.
[219] You just go to the website.
[220] There's a Christmas sale.
[221] Get the Calm Parenting Package.
[222] You're to get everything.
[223] Or if you want to do a phone consultation, sign up for that.
[224] So how can we help you and your child?
[225] Let's get into specifics.
[226] I want you to get to the root of it.
[227] What you're seeing is probably not what's really going on underneath.
[228] What kid would act out like this?
[229] Just think about it and have everyone stare at you and judge you.
[230] If there wasn't something else going on inside, right?
[231] I don't think your kids wake up every morning and say, you know what?
[232] I want to wake up and be really bad today.
[233] So everybody hates me. Right?
[234] No, there's something else is going on and we need to figure out what that is.
[235] And that's why being curious is so helpful.
[236] See, I don't see the morning fights as disobedience.
[237] I think it's just a lot of anxiety and I think it's a child who doesn't feel good about herself, doesn't know how to be successful, is always in trouble.
[238] So she's just shutting down.
[239] And there's this huge transition from being laying in my bed where it's safe, right, from being at home with my dog or my cat to going to school with all the chaos and all the rules and all the kids who are so good at it, but I'm not good at it and being in that classroom.
[240] See, in that case, it's not discipline.
[241] I want to give her tools to be successful, right?
[242] It's like if a child is struggling won't read something and we're like, you need to read.
[243] but then we find out that they have some eyesight problems.
[244] The solution isn't to take, well, I'm going to take away all your games and all the fun until you read.
[245] No, the solution is, let me get you a tool, eyeglasses, so you can actually see the words.
[246] I know that's not the best analogy, but it kind of fits there, right, conceptually.
[247] So here's some tools, and this is what I do ASAP.
[248] I would reach out to your child's teacher, even someone in office at school, and here's what I would ask them to do to give your child a very specific job or mission to do every morning.
[249] Imagine your child hears this.
[250] Jacob, you know what?
[251] I've noticed you're really good at doing X. By the way, is that not a wonderful thing to hear in life?
[252] Because most of our kids watch the trap we fall into as parents and teachers.
[253] We just do.
[254] We list out and notice everything the child does wrong every single day.
[255] We get reports from school about every tiny, every single infraction and we forget to point out what they're good at doing.
[256] So even that alone, I've recognized, I've noticed, right?
[257] I'm not going to define you by all of your issues and problems and the things you don't do well, right?
[258] Because you don't want to be noticed for that too, right?
[259] You want it your job to have a job where mainly you use your gifts and passions.
[260] So Jacob, I've noticed you're really good at doing X. Could you be my special assistant or some cooler title, right?
[261] If you're kids, what your kids are into right like if your kids are in want to be a fireman and they're like hey i need you to be the chief right if they're into trains they can be like the engineer the conductor right can you be my special assistant help me do x every morning it really help me out right that giving the child now you're focusing on something they can do you're putting something in their control and most of your kids like being helpful to other people just not you right and if the child uh teacher's trying to get the child to back seat right sometimes we go with that oh it looks like you're having a rough day that can work sometimes but right now it merely puts more emphasis on the fact that your child's being difficult instead I'd rather have the teacher say oh I'm so glad you're here because I was having trouble doing something in my classroom and I could really use your help so now we're not even addressing the behavior and we're not talking like this we're saying oh I need your help I need you spring into action right Some of you have kids that are very, very strong.
[262] So have the teacher, or you, give your child a job where they have to lift something, move something.
[263] It's very good for the sensory issues, right?
[264] Have them sweep something.
[265] Have them lift up and move heavy books for the teacher.
[266] So let's do this as well.
[267] I want to change the dynamic of the morning routine.
[268] I want to add a special mission or a challenge, right?
[269] And if we could brainstorm together, I'd want to know what your child is really good at so that we can we can revolve it around that.
[270] But the first words and thoughts, I want to change tomorrow morning from, you have to get up and get ready for school.
[271] Well, why?
[272] Because that triggers anxiety and resistance, right?
[273] To, hey, I bet you can't find, right?
[274] Because I love treasure hunts in the morning.
[275] Right.
[276] I bet you can't do.
[277] Our kids often don't do simple things well or at all, but they often like a challenge because they're really bright kids and they like to use their brains, you use their brains.
[278] Or I bet you can't tell me, right?
[279] Another challenge.
[280] Or we'll get to this in a minute connection.
[281] I'll come back to that.
[282] But wake your child up to a treasure hunt.
[283] Find, you know what, bet you can't wear it, find where I hid your clothes or your breakfast.
[284] If you live in a warm climate, by all means, hide breakfast or food outside and let your kids eat their breakfast outside by themselves.
[285] I know I've mentioned this a million times, but it's really, really important.
[286] well don't we need to do everything together as a family no people need space this child needs space your other kids need space and let me address this really quickly because i know what many of you are thinking well we've got other kids and we don't revolve everything around them and this isn't fair because the other kids get up on time and that's not fair let me push back on you and i'm going to do it in a hard way i'm not doing it in a mean way but i want it to sink in yeah if you want to go fairness here's what else isn't fair it's not fair that your other kids fit easily into the system we have right now where they just naturally do well at school.
[287] It's not fair that your other kids have brains and hearts that make it easy for them to be compliant and to be to follow directions and to memorize things.
[288] And school's easy for them.
[289] That's not fair either.
[290] It's not fair that society picks on people who are different and the strong will child is different.
[291] So if we want to go the fairness route, I would turn it around on you and probably say it's completely unfair how we look at, view, and treat strong will kids.
[292] Because in the world I live in, I would be celebrating these kids to be like, I like your independence.
[293] I like that you're assertive.
[294] I like that you know what you think.
[295] I love that you're a good thinker.
[296] I love that you don't listen to me the first time because you're thinking of different ways of doing it.
[297] And it irritates me because I'm type A and I have control issues and that's my issue, but I love that you actually think.
[298] I love that you're not afraid to fail, that you'll try something different.
[299] See, that's my world.
[300] I'd be more concerned about the compliant kids who just follow directions and don't speak up because if they're little girls, they end up growing up and marry controlling man. Right?
[301] Is that not true?
[302] It's a little bit of humor, but it's also true and it's sad.
[303] So, it's not fair.
[304] It's just the way it is, and I will promise you this.
[305] The strong -willed child is going to consume a lot of your energy.
[306] and I know that's not fair to the other kids but in some ways it's just how real life works and I want to relieve your anxiety or your guilt as parents there's no guilt in this you have to take more time for them but I'll promise you when they grow up they will take less time because these kids are great in the adult world they're just they just have a tough time navigating the kid world right they often don't like talking to other kids they're better in the adult world so roll with that know that's who they are right so maybe there's something else that they do, maybe you give them a more grown -up or adult -type job that your child can do in the morning.
[307] They often respond to that.
[308] Maybe it's something to do with the family pet.
[309] But here's what I'd like.
[310] I want to focus your child's brain on something here or she can control in the morning to counter the anxiety of the things they can't control.
[311] We all do this as adults without even knowing it.
[312] You and I have so many little things that we do that bring us back into homeostasis, that bring us back into order and structure.
[313] Look, the very fact that you're listening to this podcast and you email me is because your family life is out of control.
[314] It's out of order.
[315] And that freaks you out as it should.
[316] And so your little child or towering 15 year old smelly boy teenager, their life just feels like it's out of control.
[317] And all the things they're doing are just immature ways to try to bring back some control.
[318] Right?
[319] Here's another thing I want you to try, specific.
[320] Try creating connection in the morning.
[321] Connection breeds cooperation.
[322] But you know what's happened?
[323] This child's difficult and you've got a lot of stuff to do.
[324] I've got to get three kids, two kids.
[325] I've got to get this kid out of bed and into school and I've got a job and I've got to grow.
[326] I can be spending all this time.
[327] And so we get into a checklist and we get into this thing of like you need to get up.
[328] Honey, if you're not up in the next seven minutes, you're going to lose X and we lose the connection.
[329] We stop enjoying this child.
[330] So can you connect tomorrow morning with your child over something that he or she really cares about or is interested in?
[331] Because you could say this, hey, I was thinking about X since you like that so much.
[332] When you come downstairs, let's brainstorm a way for us to do X. Or, hey, if you get ready in the next seven minutes, we'll have time to do X when you come downstairs.
[333] And then you walk away because sometimes it's good to give your kids a little bit of space right in that moment to think about things.
[334] Now listen, there are a lot of, I've gone through another podcast, all different ways to connect with your kids in the morning and do morning routine.
[335] There are a lot of pieces to this, but one of them is controlling your own anxiety and frustration.
[336] So I like as few words in a morning as possible.
[337] Give a little bit of space and work on your own anxiety and frustration.
[338] Many of you, whether it's you come from, you have that type A personality where you were the compliant child, where you grew up in a really religious home where everybody was very strict.
[339] That is going to weigh on you because you're going to feel guilt and people are going to judge you about this child.
[340] And I want you to deal with that so you can see this child in a different way.
[341] In essence, here's what we're going to do.
[342] We're going to change the narrative about who this child is in everyone's head, teacher's head, in my head, parents' head, in the child's head.
[343] We're going to change how they see themselves.
[344] And that's going to be, that's going to change more things than anything else.
[345] But we're also going to change the narrative of the morning.
[346] And we're going to give some jobs and missions.
[347] And we're going to affirm your child when they do things well instead of always pointing out everything that they don't do well right let's work on this this this week i i promise you as you begin to see your child in different ways and focus more on giving them tools to succeed you will actually this approach will actually take less time and effort than trying to force things than trying to change your child's nature than trying to just fix them all the time so if you need help with this reach out to us you can reach out to case celebrate calm.
[348] We will answer your questions.
[349] Definitely listen to our programs.
[350] We go through this in great, great, great detail with all kinds of different options.
[351] We have the Christmas sale going on.
[352] It's a perfect time when the kids are out of school to really dig into this.
[353] Or if you want to do a phone consult with me, look that up as well.
[354] Thank you for sharing this podcast with others.
[355] Thank you for working so hard at this.
[356] Thank you for letting me be tough with you.
[357] Thank you for hanging in there.
[358] You're really good moms and dads.
[359] And this is hard and it's supposed to be hard.
[360] It is because it's causing you to change and grow.
[361] And it's going to create a deeper level of love with this child.
[362] So if you need go back and listen, especially that spot where we talked about what this child is really saying to you.
[363] And I'll put that, I'll write that in this week's newsletter and you can sign up for that at the website as well.
[364] But I'll write that out so maybe you can print it out or you can send it to yourself in an email so you can remember that the next time your child is really melting down.
[365] What are they really saying to you?
[366] All right, love you all.
[367] Talk to you soon.
[368] Bye -bye.