Julie Bowen

[0] Hi, my name is Julie Bowen, and I feel, wow.

[1] I mean, I've thought about this a lot.

[2] I'm a huge fan, and there are no words that haven't been used here.

[3] So I'm just going to go with cautiously optimistic.

[4] Wow.

[5] Oh, that's exactly what President Obama said.

[6] I am such a fan, and I know exactly when people become your friend and when they don't.

[7] There's all these clues.

[8] There's a lot of clues.

[9] There's a lot of stuff that is.

[10] There's coded language.

[11] Right.

[12] There's a lot of secret stuff.

[13] Have you Da Vinci coded this podcast?

[14] I have.

[15] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[16] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[17] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[18] Hello and welcome to another episode of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[19] I do have some friends, but you can always use a few more.

[20] Who are these friends?

[21] The ones that I really have?

[22] Let's not get into that.

[23] Don't dig too deep.

[24] I don't know.

[25] People who have friends don't go like, oh, I have a lot of friends.

[26] I do.

[27] I do have friends.

[28] I have a lot.

[29] Is that give away the fact that I really don't have real friends, the fact that I constantly...

[30] It only does that.

[31] I have friends.

[32] You don't think I have friends?

[33] I have lots of friends.

[34] You got very defensive.

[35] Sir, just pay for the unleaded gas and go.

[36] But I do have friends.

[37] Of course I. Just put the nozzle back and, uh, and I don't use unleaded.

[38] I use premium.

[39] Well, you didn't order them.

[40] Ask them.

[41] Okay, sir, who are your friends?

[42] I got to go.

[43] That's also the voice I use when I'm not broadcasting.

[44] When I'm not on television or I'm not doing a podcast or some kind of personal appearance, this is how I really talk.

[45] Which is always a huge shock.

[46] People on the street are always saying, Hey, are you Connor Bryant?

[47] That's right.

[48] Bingo, you got it right on the nose.

[49] Oh.

[50] And I go, oh, sorry, hold on a second.

[51] Would this be better for you?

[52] Yeah.

[53] What was that other voice?

[54] Oh, that's how I really talk.

[55] Well, got to go.

[56] And then I get on a unicycle, and I have a little horn that goes, wei -on, wee -o -bye, ta -ta.

[57] And I drive away.

[58] A little window into my little.

[59] life.

[60] Some people say comedians don't really open up, but I just did.

[61] I just made myself very vulnerable with that story.

[62] I told you about the real me. Well, I really brought them the tone down.

[63] I'm sure there are people that were listening to the podcast that when I was doing that bit where I used that voice, turn down their you know, whether it's their phone or whatever they're listening to this on, their computer.

[64] You could think of anything other than a ball.

[65] I know you wanted to say radio so bad.

[66] Or the television.

[67] I feel like he really wanted to say television.

[68] I did want to say television.

[69] And I did want to say radio.

[70] I did.

[71] But now, um, you've busted me again because, uh, that's also true.

[72] I don't have friends.

[73] And I really do wish that everybody listened to this on a mahogany curb top radio.

[74] And then just before I came on, the announcer said, well, that don't.

[75] does it for Little Orf an Annie today.

[76] And remember, use Crisco when you're doing your deep frying.

[77] We'll have a fireside chat with President Franklin Roosevelt in about half an hour.

[78] But until then, Conan O 'Brien is coming to us from his broadcast booth in Los Angeles, Conan.

[79] And that people were huddled around and they were wearing farmers, bib overalls because they had been working in the fields all day, trying to avoid the dust from the dust bowl and just hovered around listening to Conan's soothing tones.

[80] But no, that's not the world I live in.

[81] I live in a world of various downloads.

[82] You couldn't even get that out.

[83] Dynamic ad insertions.

[84] I don't even know when they'll say that code.

[85] It's a dynamic ad insertion.

[86] And I'll say, what do you mean?

[87] It's an ad that comes on when the podcast airs.

[88] The podcast doesn't air.

[89] The podcast exists in the cloud.

[90] It is, it's meta.

[91] It's everywhere all the time.

[92] And you access it.

[93] What?

[94] No, what?

[95] It's not, what is it?

[96] Do you know what the...

[97] How do I explain what the podcast is to my parents?

[98] They don't know.

[99] They don't listen to it.

[100] My brother Neil won't listen to it because it doesn't happen on television or the radio.

[101] And I'll say, it's hosted on a server and downloaded by a user.

[102] How's that?

[103] Well, it just sounds like porn.

[104] What kind of porn are you watching?

[105] Do you download your porn?

[106] Yeah, I download it.

[107] You can stream it.

[108] It's so much better to stream it than download it.

[109] I want to make sure that I can save it for, later so I download it and I have it in then I have it burned onto cellophane so that I can yeah wait excuse me so I can not sell well you know let me cover quickly for myself I use cellophane because celluloid has been proven to be the worst way to show film you know what I don't know the word for anything I don't know the word for anything anymore I promised you did something recently that I would not let you live down and I have to bring it up because this will already be out by then.

[110] But we were on a Zoom, and the lovely editor, Mars, who works on the ads for this show, had her background was from the video game Animal Crossing.

[111] And you in all sincerity went, wow, you have a beautiful living group.

[112] And it was like pink wood, like a rabbit lived there.

[113] Yeah, I'm going to admit that Mars, who, by the way, shout out to Mars.

[114] She's very cool, does great work for the podcast.

[115] And she had this background.

[116] In my defense, it was a small box.

[117] There were many boxes up.

[118] So it's not like I was watching it on a giant screen on this Zoom, but I complimented her on her lovely, creative, kind of cool, Etsy's styled room.

[119] And then it turned out she had to tell me that, no, this is from, what is it from again?

[120] Animal Crossing.

[121] And that...

[122] And by the way, just so you know, this video game is not like a photo realistic video game.

[123] It's like kind of like the Smurfs.

[124] No, it really was if someone had put up as their background, the living room from the Flintstones.

[125] And I said, oh, I love your rock apartment.

[126] I think that's really beautiful.

[127] So all of you laughed really hard because Ha, Ha, Conan's an idiot who doesn't understand how things work.

[128] Okay, I guess we're done that.

[129] Also, you never.

[130] go, you never go, oh, I'm sorry, I, I was wrong.

[131] You were like, no, that living room looks very real and everyone's like, it's a cartoon.

[132] And you're like, no, no, no. But from my perspective, like, you just couldn't.

[133] You go on to gaslight us.

[134] Yes.

[135] I, I'm always, always hoping that I can get myself out of trouble if I just keep talking.

[136] And so that is my modus operandi.

[137] And so I just thought if I keep talking, I'll hit upon something, they will make you guys go, oh, I guess I, That kind of makes sense, and then I'm in the clear, and then I get to shit on you guys for even thinking that I was wrong.

[138] It's never happened.

[139] So, well, anyway, I said 45 incorrect things about technology in this improvised opening to the show.

[140] And if you can spot them all, you'll win a solid cherrywood VCR.

[141] Solid.

[142] Solid.

[143] Is there room to put the video tape in?

[144] It's carved out of a solid chunk of cherry wood by Nick Offerman.

[145] And this VCR will be sent your way through the U .S. mail.

[146] All right, let's do this.

[147] My guest today is an Emmy award -winning actress who starred as Claire Dunphy for 11 seasons on the hit ABC series Modern Family.

[148] Now she has a new podcast quitters available wherever you get your podcast.

[149] I'm very excited.

[150] She's with us today.

[151] Julie Bowen, welcome.

[152] This podcast, I got to tell you guys got me through the pandemic.

[153] I refused to listen for a while, okay?

[154] I was a holdout.

[155] I was a holdout.

[156] I was like, I didn't.

[157] That makes sense.

[158] Really popular.

[159] You know, you don't want to be like, I love Coke.

[160] I love Coca -Cola.

[161] So I listened to this throughout the podcast while riding my bike up and down the Hollywood Hills because there was nothing else to do.

[162] And I would listen to you guys go, oh, do you think someone's watching this when they're working out?

[163] Oh, God, I hope not.

[164] Oh, God, I hope they're not in the gym.

[165] And I'm like, I'm on my bike, Conan.

[166] Can you hear me?

[167] Like, I was so.

[168] We could hear you actually.

[169] I don't understand how that's possible, but the technology has gotten so good that we would hear you.

[170] And we could tell, we could kind of tell this is a steep hill.

[171] She's huffing.

[172] Yeah, she's on the bird street.

[173] She's really, she's climbed like 3 ,000 feet.

[174] This is incredible.

[175] Oh, my glutes.

[176] I would seriously get so excited, though, because I would go out for the entirety of however long the podcast was, and then I would even listen to the ads.

[177] Oh, there you go.

[178] Because I get really excited when they change.

[179] Yeah.

[180] I get super excited.

[181] And I got so into Sona and Matt, I'm sorry.

[182] No, no, but that's the whole, listen, I can handle that.

[183] I think I'm not an egomaniacal monster.

[184] I think one of the things that helps the podcast work is that we are a parfay.

[185] I might be, there are many levels here.

[186] There are at least three levels of creamy goodness.

[187] But they don't mix in a parfe, do they?

[188] They kind of, you just.

[189] We don't mix.

[190] No, I understand.

[191] That's true.

[192] That is pretty accurate.

[193] I am a layer of like granola.

[194] and then...

[195] You're the base, you're the yogurt.

[196] Okay, I'm the yogurt, sure.

[197] But a high -quality yogurt.

[198] Like a full -fat Greek?

[199] Yeah.

[200] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[201] You're real full -fat Greek yogurt.

[202] Yeah.

[203] You're my big fat Greek yogurt.

[204] Yeah.

[205] What does that make, goarly?

[206] Gourly, I want to say, is this, like, a sigh berry.

[207] Something tangy.

[208] Yeah, that's become very trendy.

[209] And people say it's good for you, but it will be found out in a couple of years that it's really not good for you.

[210] Like cigarettes.

[211] Yeah, exactly.

[212] And that it has no, it has no nutrients.

[213] It actually robs nutrients from your body.

[214] But then, Sonia, Sonia, you are the whipped topping.

[215] I'm going to say that.

[216] Okay.

[217] Not substantial.

[218] But everyone loves you.

[219] They're the part they save for last, and then they take that big dollop of whipped fun at the top of the parfait.

[220] Okay, cool.

[221] So I am the base.

[222] I'll take it.

[223] I provide most the nutrients and, of course, important fats and all that good dairy protein.

[224] Matt, nothing.

[225] And then.

[226] Matt, Matt, Matt, nothing.

[227] Matt, it crushed cigarette in the middle of your parfait.

[228] Can I start my own parfay?

[229] I'm out of this one.

[230] I, well, I was listening, and I was listening intently, and I loved it so much that I got hit by a truck.

[231] What?

[232] That's right.

[233] What are you talking about?

[234] So look, you can't, I know, I know this is a visual, this is a visual medium, right?

[235] This is, it's audio.

[236] But, I mean, this and these two fingers.

[237] Oh, my God.

[238] All these three fingers, they're all broken.

[239] They aren't usually as crone -like and like a bird's hands, but these are broken because I was listening and laughing and I got hit by a truck.

[240] Oh, my.

[241] Or are you, were you, I mean, your hands were hurt.

[242] Any other injuries?

[243] I mean, clearly I'm not well in the head to begin with.

[244] So there wasn't much they could do.

[245] And I'm the idiot.

[246] I know that you famously walk around Los Angeles in sort of like full Lance Armstrong circa 2000 gear, right?

[247] I walk around L .A. Don't you clack into, I feel like I've been somewhere and see you clack, clack, clack in somewhere.

[248] Years ago I would wear that stuff because I was biking with friends who were super intense bikers and they would all do that.

[249] And then at some point, I think it's been like eight years.

[250] I said, I don't want to dress like a. Spaceman to go ride a bike.

[251] And so I totally started riding with a different friend, Brad, and he showed me the real way that I prefer, which is I wear shorts, I wear a T -shirt, and I wear like some long sleeve.

[252] But you wear...

[253] It looks like I'm a roadie in a band now.

[254] And you wear a brain bucket.

[255] You have to.

[256] You have to wear a helmet.

[257] Did not wear one when hit by truck.

[258] No, that's bad.

[259] I know it's bad.

[260] So you guys owe me something.

[261] Yeah.

[262] So be nice.

[263] Because this is, be nice, because I'm like.

[264] This is my fault, yes.

[265] I'm listening for all the coded clues about whether or not you're going to like me. Well, we've hung out before, by the way, because you're friends with one of my neighbors, and I remember going over to the neighbor's house once, and you were hanging there, and we had a lovely time hanging out.

[266] And then I ran away because it was terrified.

[267] Terrified of?

[268] You.

[269] She said one day, come over.

[270] We're just going to hang out.

[271] We're having a pool thing.

[272] And I said, is Conan going to be there?

[273] And she said, yeah.

[274] And I go, well, then I can't wear my friends in family bikini.

[275] Because, like, I've given birth two twins and another child, and I could not, I hold you in high regard.

[276] That's very nice.

[277] I don't understand how this relates to.

[278] How, why I like you.

[279] No, no, no. I mean, I don't understand why I run away.

[280] Why you are a very attractive person.

[281] And, yeah, I didn't.

[282] That would never enter my mind that you would be worried about.

[283] I can't wear this bikini around Conan.

[284] Oh, yes.

[285] Oh, definitely.

[286] Sona, how do you feel about your body after babies?

[287] Not the best.

[288] I'm not going to lie.

[289] I'm trying to get back there, but it's...

[290] The boobs are probably working.

[291] They can't discuss this.

[292] Gourley and Conan cannot even chime in.

[293] Gorley was about to jump in and start talking.

[294] I saved you.

[295] You're welcome.

[296] I'm still open to talking about my breasts, but I won't force me to...

[297] Gorley is lactating.

[298] He has a child recently.

[299] You know, he's got a newborn.

[300] I know.

[301] It's just not as exciting as twins.

[302] I'm sorry, Gourley.

[303] It's okay.

[304] I understand.

[305] It's half as exciting.

[306] And it's not your first child, right?

[307] It is my first child.

[308] Oh, it is your first.

[309] Yeah.

[310] I kind of got swept under the carpet with all the excitement.

[311] Well, I think what happened was because, I mean, look, Gorley, that's a hard act to follow.

[312] Sona had twins.

[313] And then you were like, hey, look at me. We had one child.

[314] It's the best I could do.

[315] And every, you know, I think everyone listening to the podcast was like, boo.

[316] Why not three?

[317] Why not four?

[318] Oh, you hack.

[319] And I think that's terrible that people reacted that way.

[320] But, yeah, Sona, you guys should bond about this because you've had twins and you've had twins.

[321] I have had twins.

[322] But also, Gourley, just I have to say, your contribution, I'm sure will be grand throughout this child's life.

[323] It was nothing on the outset.

[324] Like, you'd have to bear the child.

[325] You didn't have to destroy the body.

[326] Completely acknowledged that.

[327] You don't have a Nikki Glazer vagina now.

[328] No, mine's more of a Lisa Lampena.

[329] I love that reference to Nikki Glazer who made me laugh so hard because she was on the late night show once and said that, what did she say?

[330] She said her vagina was a hastily pack suit case.

[331] Hastily pack suit case.

[332] And that, I remember thinking to myself, dear God, it's time.

[333] And for the first time after having twins, taking my clothing off alone and walking towards a mirror and going, oh, no, she's right.

[334] Why?

[335] It's a shirt tail.

[336] It's not okay.

[337] I didn't want to admit it to myself or others, and then Nikki just said it.

[338] Right.

[339] She just said it.

[340] Yeah.

[341] And there I was.

[342] I know.

[343] It's rough.

[344] I mean, although I didn't, I got a C -section.

[345] So I can't really.

[346] Her children, her babies walked out.

[347] Yeah, they got a, they were crawling out.

[348] They walked out fully clothed.

[349] Did you schedule it?

[350] a C -section?

[351] I did.

[352] I had to because of my age and how big they were.

[353] I scheduled to C -section for her.

[354] Yeah, to work around the podcast schedule.

[355] And the doctor said, I don't think this is actually the good time.

[356] I don't think they're ready.

[357] And I was like, hey, this is what's happening.

[358] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[359] Coden had a conversation with my Gino and was like, we need it to happen now.

[360] Yeah.

[361] And then I assisted, which I thought was completely inappropriate.

[362] And I didn't know what I was doing.

[363] No, all of the doctors involved lost their licenses To allow you into the OR I would love to see that I didn't wash up I didn't work gloves Washings for weaklings I just thought oh everyone's being a baby He left a watch in there I left well First of all And and guess what I want it back Because that is a She's gonna have to berth at that That all berth That is a really That time X means a lot to me And I want that fucker back So I've scheduled another C -section to go back in and get...

[364] I get it out again?

[365] What was, I think when I got it in in 1989, a $35 time match.

[366] Okay.

[367] But now it's in heirloom.

[368] Now we can sell it as an NFD or whatever it's called.

[369] No, we can't.

[370] Non -fundable thing.

[371] Oh, right.

[372] It is fungible.

[373] I don't even know what I'm talking about.

[374] Well, you joke about making her get a...

[375] I think, I hope you joke about making her get a C -section.

[376] But when my now...

[377] For our listeners, that was me. And for the legal department.

[378] And for the legal department.

[379] That was all in good fun.

[380] You know how I like to joke about forcing women to have invasive surgery?

[381] Oh, that's just one of my many riffs.

[382] My now ex -husband heard me mumbling about wanting one more kid after we had had twins.

[383] Because I thought, after you have twins, I thought I could do one more with my eyes closed, right?

[384] It was so easy.

[385] So he immediately scheduled a. as one does.

[386] Right.

[387] And I went with him to the appointment to get the information and they gave us some pamphlet that described all the like what to expect.

[388] And there's all these drawings like out of this like a 1960s textbook in school.

[389] And there's a woman standing there that first of all the doctor says, we we like to do this on a Thursday afternoon, Friday morning, have you back at work Monday.

[390] So, and I was like, hell no, we're doing this.

[391] I know.

[392] I know.

[393] need him up and running on the weekend.

[394] We got covered during the week.

[395] Hell no, we're doing this on a Tuesday.

[396] I need that fucker up and running by Friday.

[397] So you referred to your ex.

[398] As that fucker.

[399] At the time with love.

[400] Right, right, right.

[401] Could be a clue.

[402] So what went wrong in the marriage?

[403] Hey, fucker!

[404] Happy Valentine's Day.

[405] There was a lot wrong with me. He's so nice.

[406] I don't know why he put up with me. But they give us this pamphlet that says, like, what to expect.

[407] If you get a vasectomy.

[408] If you get a vasectomy.

[409] And there's a woman sort of, like, leaning over with a tray of potato skins as her husband sits in a bark of lounger, all drawn, you know, that sort of with like ferns and like a patio doors going out to a pool.

[410] And he's watching the game and he's got some frozen peas on his crotch.

[411] And she's serving in potato skins.

[412] And I said, we do not fucking need this.

[413] And I ripped it up and I threw it out.

[414] I was like, you're going to be fine.

[415] I gave birth to twins.

[416] You're going to be great.

[417] Up and at him.

[418] So did it?

[419] So he had the vasectomy.

[420] Without the benefit of the pamphlet.

[421] And he said to me, I pick him up afterwards.

[422] He's gray -faced.

[423] This poor man, why did he put up with me?

[424] He goes, just drive.

[425] And I said, what happened in there?

[426] He goes, just drive.

[427] And he's doubled over.

[428] I said, what happened?

[429] He goes, should have read the pamphlet.

[430] And I said, what did we miss?

[431] And he was like, I was supposed to.

[432] shave.

[433] And I was like, oh no. Oh, you're supposed to shave down there.

[434] Apparently.

[435] I didn't know that.

[436] I didn't know that.

[437] I don't, I was not allowed in the room.

[438] That is his story to tell.

[439] I realize I've told 99 % of him, but that one percent is he is.

[440] That's the kind of thing where I would fuck up and go to the barber.

[441] Oh, no. I would just, I would, yeah, and I would just think like, no, no, not up here, down here.

[442] And it would be like this, this sort of stereotypical Italian barber was like, oh, what do you talk about?

[443] Come on.

[444] It's the same.

[445] It's the same.

[446] It's the same.

[447] It's the same principle, yeah, hot towel.

[448] And he's got the blade.

[449] And other people are coming in and I'm saying, yeah.

[450] So anyway, big game this weekend.

[451] And I've got my legs and stirrups.

[452] I know I like this.

[453] What if he puts, what if he spins the chair away from the door though?

[454] And you know you're going to get murdered.

[455] They're here to murder your balls.

[456] My God.

[457] Why did he do it, though?

[458] I don't understand why he got a vasectomy?

[459] No, why the barbership.

[460] Sheaved your ball.

[461] Oh, in that scenario.

[462] He did it because I'm a good tipper.

[463] Exactly.

[464] Yeah, and I sat and I waited my turn and I read the magazine like everyone else.

[465] And that was my turn.

[466] And I took my pants off and he went, what do you do?

[467] And he went, well, you know, it's the same a principle.

[468] This is, first of all, no one's ever come in a guns ablaze.

[469] What?

[470] Like Julie Bowen, nobody has ever come in.

[471] Are you kidding me?

[472] This is like, I was doing like pump up lap.

[473] in my house like you got this you got this like a 14 year old boy before the big game and I was so nervous because why it's us no because I've listened to you way too much I've listened to you and like I said I feel like I've got the code and so I'm although I am losing track of it right now I'm not sure there is a code I honestly don't think there is I think but not an intentional code anyway I don't pay attention that much I know we all know I zone out that is your M -O often that is It's always been your M .O. Has you zone out.

[474] Sona, why do you put up with this?

[475] That's a, he puts up with a lot, too.

[476] But are you really as terrible an employee as they make you out to be?

[477] No. I mean, make you out to be like somebody who's like starts to make an airline reservation and kind of gets through one to half of the ticket.

[478] I have done that.

[479] You cannot.

[480] You cannot.

[481] You know what?

[482] You're going to say this.

[483] I'm going to say this in Sona's defense.

[484] You probably don't want to go down this path because.

[485] And listen, I. say this with love i am quite uh sonna's got a book that's coming out yeah called world's worst assistant i do yeah she wrote that i that i that's really good and i wrote the forward and um i'm i i'm quite honest in the forward i believe yes uh but um but one of the things i go out of my way to say is that i really we i love sona we are besties but um some of the shit she has pulled oh yeah no i mean i mean you know what's interesting my wife pointed out to me that I, she's never seen me, the minute Sona had these twins and I started getting pictures, I stop everybody and make them look at pictures of her kids.

[486] And she said, Charlie and Mikey.

[487] Yeah.

[488] She said, you didn't do this with our kids.

[489] And you still don't do it with our kids.

[490] I'm like, ah, kids.

[491] Look at these guys.

[492] I mean, I'm going to say he's going to be the godfather to my boys.

[493] Yeah.

[494] To both?

[495] That's how, yeah, that's how we're very close.

[496] He's going to be.

[497] Has he been told this?

[498] Is this, am I in on like the big?

[499] I know.

[500] I'm telling you.

[501] Oh, by the way, can you do it?

[502] No. No. Pretty busy.

[503] No, yeah, I haven't done it yet.

[504] No, no, they asked me, I came over and you and TAC asked me to do it.

[505] And it was really funny because it was very subtle, but her husband Tack, who's a very funny guy, he had music playing in the background.

[506] And then they said they wanted to talk to me about something.

[507] And then he quietly, I don't know if with a remote control or something, but he switched the song.

[508] And it was just playing kind of quietly in the background, but he started playing as he was asking me, as they were both asking me, the Godfather theme.

[509] I was going to go out.

[510] I love it.

[511] And so, he's talking.

[512] And it's so, it's so, it's, but it's so, it was so subliminal.

[513] It was, it's, kind of low level.

[514] And then I, I heard like, though, but it's subliminal.

[515] And then they're like, we want to ask you something.

[516] And then they, it was really, it was really funny.

[517] It was cute.

[518] It was very funny.

[519] But I think your, you're, your awe and excitement to be here is misplaced.

[520] Oh, no, you should be flattered.

[521] I am very flattered.

[522] We are flattered.

[523] We're flattered.

[524] I've always loved your show, and I've always thought you were hilariously funny.

[525] But getting this format is the bomb.

[526] Like, getting to let you just roll and riff is so good.

[527] That's the part that I've, you know, it was such a surprise to me was started to do it.

[528] And I had this inkling like, well, this could be kind of fun.

[529] And I remember them coming to me and saying, well, there's one thing you're probably going to say no to, which is, you have.

[530] to read ads.

[531] And I said, so that's probably going to negate the whole thing for you.

[532] And I said, do I get to sort of read them as myself and be kind of honest?

[533] And they went, well, yes.

[534] And I said, well, that just sounds like fun.

[535] Yeah.

[536] And then, you know, they brought goarly in.

[537] And despite all of the jokes and cruel older brother riffing that I do with him, he's spectacular.

[538] I mean, he really makes this thing hum.

[539] No, no, it's true.

[540] No, it's true.

[541] He really, he, he, and so, This is where I feel like you and I can really connect, which is so nice.

[542] Are you being serious?

[543] I am.

[544] Is he being genuine?

[545] Yeah, that's very genuine.

[546] I feel like he's about to drop, he's about to drop like an ice cold funny bomb on my head.

[547] No, no, no, no. I love that.

[548] Because I am wearing my friends and family bikini under this.

[549] Nice.

[550] There's, if it went well, I thought, maybe, just maybe.

[551] I'll go, no, this is, by the way, I wore this for you.

[552] It's, it's a ram's head.

[553] No, it's obviously, it's clearly a female reproductive system.

[554] The female, you have a lovely sweater, and you know it's nice.

[555] It looks, it's kind of a Christmassy sweater, and it's got this design that at first glance you think is just kind of a nice design, and then you realize, oh, that is a quite precise rendering of the female reproductive system.

[556] You know, I saw it on Lena Dunham, I think, was wearing it, and I was like, well, if she could, I can rock that.

[557] Yeah.

[558] And I'm a big, I'm a big knitter.

[559] I know that's as nerdy as F. But you might like that.

[560] I feel like you guys get into old school stuff.

[561] Oh, yeah.

[562] He just fell asleep.

[563] No, no, no. No, no. He fainted looking at your story.

[564] No, no, I've, exactly.

[565] It's just that.

[566] It's so much for you.

[567] I'm staring at the female reproductive system.

[568] I know.

[569] I thought it'd help you get comfortable with it because I am a huge fan.

[570] And one of my favorite things that, like, nearly knocks me off the bike every time, but only really knocked me out the bike once, was when you make the penis talk.

[571] And the voice.

[572] And how uncomfortable, though, you are talking about the lady parts.

[573] Yeah.

[574] And I'm okay with the – I respect it.

[575] I just thought we'd have it here.

[576] I have a very – I am an uptight person.

[577] It's funny.

[578] I have two sides.

[579] I'm quite almost Victorian and uptight in some ways.

[580] But then as a reaction to that, the other side, I have this Jekyll High thing.

[581] The other side is not afraid of anything.

[582] And I don't understand how these two people can – can be jammed into one pair.

[583] I think it's when you feel safe.

[584] Like, right?

[585] If somebody's being sort of restrictive, you can be expansive.

[586] Yes, very good.

[587] And if they're being, if they're so crazy and you don't know where they're going to go, that's me. And you're like, oh shit, then you sort of have to take it down.

[588] Now, I was curious about something.

[589] You are a middle child, right?

[590] So there's three sisters?

[591] Three sisters.

[592] And you're the middle.

[593] You talk about your family a lot.

[594] Yeah.

[595] But are you, and I try to imagine them, are they all really, Tall?

[596] They're quite...

[597] Yeah, they are.

[598] They're pretty tall.

[599] I have a sister who's average height, Kate.

[600] Yeah.

[601] Is that being like six foot?

[602] She's six four.

[603] She's six four.

[604] Average in your family is.

[605] No, but yeah, I would say for the most part, we are.

[606] I think I was one of the tallest until my brother, my youngest brother, Justin, overtook me. Now, I think he was juicing.

[607] I think he was on stairway.

[608] Yeah, he was just trying to, he was trying to, you know, take me down.

[609] And then he barely creeped up above me. Does that bother you?

[610] No, it really didn't.

[611] And you know what's so funny is I have a son who is, I have a son and a daughter, but my son had this crazy gross sport during COVID, but he was quite vocal that he does not want to be my height because he says, that's too tall.

[612] You're too tall and it's kind of weird.

[613] And he keeps saying it.

[614] And I'm like, you know, it's a little hurtful and he's like, look, don't get me wrong.

[615] I'm happy to be tall.

[616] I just don't want to be that kind of tall.

[617] And I said, you know, I'm not in the circus.

[618] You know, people aren't coming for thousands of miles to check me out.

[619] But it's not a functional tall.

[620] It isn't.

[621] It doesn't.

[622] It's like a decorative tall.

[623] Like I have decorative muscles.

[624] Like I work out a lot.

[625] And they're just decorative.

[626] They're not doing it.

[627] There's no reason.

[628] Well, also, my height is wasted on me. It doesn't, you know, for years, people say, like, oh, man, I bet you play.

[629] I bet you're a graded basketball.

[630] And I'd say, well, actually, apparently you need coordination.

[631] You need, you know, sort of hand -to -eye skills.

[632] Not you just height.

[633] Yeah.

[634] You need to care about getting the ball in the basket, which is something that I've always, and whenever I would play basketball, because I used to play it a lot, sort of just in the neighborhood when I was growing up.

[635] And all I would do was invent characters and babble the whole time.

[636] and try and make people laugh.

[637] But I didn't give a shit if the basket went into the hoop.

[638] I didn't care.

[639] I just cared about, no, no, no, isn't this a funny guy I'm being now?

[640] And they'd be like, you know, it'd be great if you helped a little bit.

[641] Yeah.

[642] You could at least just stand there under the basket and be like a big, like a shack.

[643] Yeah, but I would not be paying attention.

[644] You didn't care.

[645] I'd be doing a bit underneath the basket where I pretend the pole that's holding up, you know, is like another person.

[646] And I would have a backstory.

[647] I used to play with my brother Luke all the time and I used to and some other friends and I would always go on and on about, okay, the guy I am now who's playing stickball, who's up to the plate, okay, he committed murder a couple of years ago, he attacked a fan and his name was Nicky Fiss.

[648] This is true.

[649] Wait, really?

[650] Yeah, I'd say, okay, it's Nicky Fis is now up at the plate and they'd be like, what the fuck you're doing?

[651] You can just get up, you know, take the, because we'd play stickball across the street at this park, and I'd be like, no, no, no, no. Now, I'm Nikki Fist now.

[652] Now, Nikki Fist just spent two years in prison because he attacked a fan in the stands and beat him with his bat.

[653] He's hated by everyone.

[654] He's a cheap shot.

[655] He's mostly, but he's a quick infielder, and they'd be like, would you shut up?

[656] This is before every at bat.

[657] Before every at bat.

[658] Guys, you need to hear Nicky's back story.

[659] And everybody hated it.

[660] Didn't they all have it memorized at a certain point, or did you bring in new elements?

[661] You're like, I brought in different people.

[662] Oh, you're...

[663] Nikki has tuberculosis.

[664] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[665] How did they not beat you?

[666] Nikki lost a leg to diabetes, but he's still playing the game.

[667] Oh, God.

[668] Despite his vaccine, Nikki has polio.

[669] Poor Nikki.

[670] And then you'd run to first, like, you're a disabled young man. It's shocking that I wasn't beaten to death as a child.

[671] And several people tried, but I'd never, I'd made it.

[672] I made it through.

[673] But that's where the height works in your favor, even if it's not functional.

[674] Like, you can't play basketball or volleyball.

[675] volleyball and by your admission, then maybe it kept you out of fights because they were scared.

[676] They're like, what if he unleashed that height at a certain point?

[677] There is, yeah, I am right?

[678] If I ever truly unleashed, because I have, people are surprised.

[679] I get mad.

[680] I have a temper.

[681] You do have a temper.

[682] I have a temper.

[683] It's not a physical.

[684] No, but it is an Irish, like, I will, that person just screwed me or my friend or one of my family members over and I will hate them.

[685] and I will never forget it.

[686] Will you just drink at them?

[687] I will drink at them.

[688] I will drink at you.

[689] I am Irish.

[690] I will drink at you.

[691] You're what I'm going to do?

[692] You can't even stand it.

[693] I'm going to shorten my life by drinking and thinking about you.

[694] I'm going to tell you.

[695] And you're never going to know.

[696] Shorten my life.

[697] I'll take at least 15 years off my life expectancy, drinking and hating you.

[698] And guess what?

[699] I'll never tell you so it won't affect you in any way.

[700] So fucking chew on that.

[701] Yeah.

[702] And when you show up at my funeral and I'm dead and you're not, just think about that.

[703] Think about how you never knew how much I hated you.

[704] Now, I have a question because, you know, on your character on Modern Family, always day drinking.

[705] And it almost put this thought in my head.

[706] Claire is such a day drinker that sometimes, and I do this and I should know better, but we all do it.

[707] I think of you that way as like day drinking and having a glass of wine all the time or maybe on your bike.

[708] You have a squeeze bottle of wine.

[709] Not even.

[710] You have a glass of wine filled with chardonnay and you've jammed it into the little basket of the bike.

[711] But I know that it's called acting, but I swear to God, you were so good in that role that there was part of me that just would assume Oh, yeah, yeah, Julie's going to walk in here with like a large glass of very, very oaky chardonnay.

[712] No, I mean, a buttery shardinet with ice cubes to honor my mother, who never got an expensive wine that she didn't want to put an ice cube in.

[713] No, I am actually a very weak, weak -willed, weak drinker.

[714] If I, when I drink, it's three hours to bedtime from that point.

[715] So if I drink at noon, we're done at 3 p .m. Right.

[716] Right.

[717] And if I, so, you know, I have a glass of wine with dinner.

[718] I'm going to bed at 10.

[719] That's just the way it is.

[720] I'm not that much fun.

[721] What about, because this is a question I have for you, you might be able to relate to this because Sona is very good at self -medicating.

[722] Yeah.

[723] And it's talked about it.

[724] You've been open about it.

[725] It's legal.

[726] It's legal.

[727] Don't let them weed shaming you.

[728] No, no, no. I'm not weed shaming you.

[729] I'm very, I am very.

[730] You hate shaming me constantly.

[731] There's probably thousands of hours on tape of me, weed shaming you, but I don't think I really do it that much.

[732] But you're a believer in gummies.

[733] Have you done that?

[734] Have you done pot in any manner?

[735] I have a therapist whom I really like, and she's a full doctor, so I was trying to squeeze her for some Ambien or something, because I never sleep.

[736] I'm a terrible sleeper.

[737] And she said, no, you really need some marijuana.

[738] And I was like, what do you think I am?

[739] I come to you for a professional.

[740] opinion and this is very unprofessional.

[741] And she said, what if I wrote you a prescription for marijuana?

[742] And I was like, okay.

[743] So basically, she wrote me a prescription for a half an edible gummy at bedtime every night.

[744] And they will put you down.

[745] And then you just have to hope that you're not a middle of the night pier, which I am.

[746] I had, did I mention how many babies I had?

[747] That bladder is basically in my pocket.

[748] I carry it with me. I saw you, I'm sorry.

[749] I thought that was a change purse.

[750] No, no, it's my bladder.

[751] Because you took it out at one point and I thought, you know.

[752] I thought I just poured this water right on my foot.

[753] She's going to give me a coin.

[754] And no, I didn't realize that was your bladder.

[755] No, that's my bladder.

[756] And so when you have to get in the middle of the night, but what do you do, what do you need to do?

[757] Do you like meditate or masturbate or what's the story?

[758] I, well, first for me, no, I am, I'm going to answer it right now.

[759] For me, masturbation is the form of meditation.

[760] I understand.

[761] I understand.

[762] You know, I got a special mat.

[763] Oh, come on.

[764] It's not me, is it?

[765] Oh, my God.

[766] Oh, God.

[767] A special mat match match.

[768] Wait, no, no. That's why I got this job?

[769] No, not you, Matt.

[770] The other, you know, yoga mat.

[771] You know what they say in meditation?

[772] You're supposed to stare into the middle distance.

[773] with a fixed gaze.

[774] That's what I'm doing as I'm self -pleasureing.

[775] Oh, man. You abuse yourself while staring into the middle distance.

[776] Oh, God.

[777] Liza comes in, there's got candles.

[778] I'm on a special math.

[779] Yeah, and yeah, it's much faster, it's much faster than normal meditation.

[780] Let me just say.

[781] It's much quicker.

[782] You get into a real great head space.

[783] Can you?

[784] Oh, I've met Liza, and as, everyone says, she is so good and she is so...

[785] This is my wife, Liza, yes.

[786] Your wife Liza.

[787] I thought you meant Liza Minnelli for a minute.

[788] No, she's not.

[789] What a name dropper.

[790] What a name dropper.

[791] By the way, and it comes out of nowhere.

[792] By the way, I've met Liza Manelli.

[793] Where the fuck did that come from?

[794] I've met all famous Liza.

[795] I just thought I'd let you know that right now.

[796] My wife Liza, yes.

[797] Your wife Liza is way above this kind of humor.

[798] To quote, the great Sonomossessian said to me once, Liza is the only thing I like about you.

[799] Which is, she's a rock star.

[800] But you know there are those people that you.

[801] People think there must be something to him because this very intelligent, beautiful woman seems to be sticking it out with him.

[802] And, you know, if she walked at any point, she could no court, every court in the land would say you can have everything.

[803] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[804] Well, it's California.

[805] We've listened to the podcast.

[806] It'd say it anyhow.

[807] We've listened to the podcast.

[808] Yeah, you put up with enough.

[809] No, not even just half.

[810] You can have all of it.

[811] Conan's going to the Ramada Inn.

[812] It was the masturbation mat that did it 100 % for lies up.

[813] Your Honor, we'd like to play the bit he did when Julie Bowen was on where he has a type of yoga meditation where he masturbates.

[814] That's not necessary, Your Honor.

[815] We concede the point.

[816] And we rule in favor.

[817] Oh, man. Sona, is your brain back?

[818] It's getting there.

[819] It's bad.

[820] It is.

[821] It is bad.

[822] And there's a lot of other stuff, too, that's just like, you know.

[823] No sleep.

[824] No sleep, yeah.

[825] Also, like, a lot of grandparents, which I love, but there's also a lot of voices, a lot of things.

[826] It's a lot.

[827] You have to put on, you have to, like, put on earmuffs and not listen to all the advice.

[828] Conan, have you given her a lot of, like, child -rearing advice?

[829] Or you were like, I was not present.

[830] No, I think I was, I wasn't helpful, but I was present.

[831] I was not at all helpful, but I was present.

[832] I was very good at getting our daughter to eat because I can make kids laugh and I was really good at saying no one's taking these strained carrots from me and playing those kinds of games and she would, like, Liza could not get her to eat for a while and then I would come in and I'd be like, ah, good, my strained squash.

[833] It's just for me. Now I'll just turn this way and she would shovel all this food into her mouth and then I'd turn around and go like, what?

[834] What's happened?

[835] And I'd have her stuffed animals up in arms and she would be like, suddenly, I think she gained 60 pounds and she was only two years old.

[836] But I want to make sure I talk to you about because I think, you know, there are, obviously there's a lot of people out there jumping into the podcast space, as they say.

[837] I think you are uniquely equipped to be doing a podcast and you're doing one called, it's brand new and it's called quitters.

[838] And it's going to, it premiered on.

[839] Yesterday.

[840] Well, yeah.

[841] We'll say, I'll do it this way.

[842] It premiered on February 14th.

[843] And I really like the idea behind this.

[844] I want you to talk about it.

[845] I don't know how you do this day in and day out.

[846] But yes, we started my partner, Chad Sanders and I started a podcast.

[847] He's the brains and I'm the talky one.

[848] But he wrote a book called Black Magic, which is about turning the trauma of being black in America into something positive.

[849] Like, if you can survive that, you can survive anything.

[850] And he also wrote a New York Times op -ed piece called I Don't Want Your Love Texts that was really upsetting during all the BLM movement during all of those protests that was basically like, do not text me white people and tell me, you know, what can I, how are you?

[851] And I was like, wait, no, I'm not supposed to.

[852] Which is also a little bit in line with, you know, what I was hearing at the time from black people that I was talking to was that we also don't want to be explaining our situation to you, which I completely understand.

[853] Like, the last thing, you know, they wanted was for white America to say, now tell us.

[854] Right.

[855] Explain to us.

[856] Yeah, now explain.

[857] But I didn't get that either.

[858] I didn't get that either because I was like, don't you want to explain?

[859] Haven't you been waiting for this opportunity, which is so grandiose?

[860] Haven't you just been waiting for me to sit down and pour you a cup of Joe?

[861] So we can talk about your experience.

[862] But Chad and I just started talking and we were going to do, we were looking and doing a TV show or a movie together or something.

[863] And he had this idea for a podcast.

[864] And I said, I want to do it.

[865] Let's do that.

[866] That sounds good.

[867] And 40 million people quit their jobs in America in the last in 2021.

[868] So there's a lot of people quitting stuff, and it's not necessarily about quitting, like, oh, I couldn't hack it.

[869] The kind of old school, like, because I had people say to me like, what about stick -to -itiveness?

[870] Right.

[871] That's my father.

[872] It's also most prospectors in cartoons.

[873] What about, she chewed of me. What about fighting your way to the top already?

[874] That was George.

[875] I know.

[876] I was going to say.

[877] So this is more about quitting the stuff that you thought really defined you and it was really important.

[878] And in order to let it go to do something else, not necessarily just like, I don't want to work and quitting.

[879] We're not, we don't actually support that.

[880] And Chad quit the tech world.

[881] And in doing so, actually quite a lot of white culture because he was working at Google and then went back to, started writing for television.

[882] He was working with Spike Lee.

[883] and he's like, why do I, why am I dealing with a corporate structure that is based on whiteness that I will never be able to climb that ladder?

[884] And I thought that was really interesting.

[885] And so we have this podcast.

[886] We talk to people about things they're quitting, things they have quit, things they want to quit.

[887] And the greatest slash worst part of it is chat instituted these bells that you can ring on one another.

[888] Naturally, I never ring the bell.

[889] It is constantly being rung on me when I put my foot in my mouth, which happens.

[890] all the goddamn time.

[891] But I'm hoping people can kind of go on this ride with us and go, you know, she's educated.

[892] We were not going to say smart.

[893] But I went, I have some college.

[894] And I definitely.

[895] I have some college.

[896] That was, I got a truth.

[897] That was a Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

[898] Yeah, that's a good one.

[899] I have some college.

[900] I have a little college.

[901] But I'm educated and I should know better.

[902] And I think I stand in for a lot of people who stick their foot right squarely in their mouth.

[903] And in this whole canceled culture period that we're in, it's kind of hoping that you can learn as you go.

[904] Well, I think that, I mean, first of all, quitting has a negative connotation, which I don't think it deserves because there are many things you should quit.

[905] Yeah.

[906] And somewhere along the line, quitting became, well, if you quit, you gave up.

[907] It's like, no, you're quitting something so that you can find something else.

[908] Right.

[909] You're quitting something so that you can help figure out what it is you're supposed to be doing.

[910] Right.

[911] Have you ever quit anything?

[912] Yeah.

[913] I mean, I...

[914] You quit late night?

[915] Yeah, I did.

[916] I mean, that's the biggest thing as I quit.

[917] That's kind of huge.

[918] Yeah.

[919] Why did you?

[920] Can I ask that?

[921] I'm asking.

[922] Yeah.

[923] I'm asking.

[924] Sure.

[925] Because it was 28 years of doing it and it was in the back of my mind that it would be time to, you wrap up the night to night of it, which I almost began to feel when I started doing late night way a million years ago back in 93, there was much less television and there was this real estate and it felt like, no, there has to be something on at 1230 and you've got to fill this time every night.

[926] And I remember it at the time, I think I was on, we hardly got any vacation.

[927] We hardly got, you know, any breaks at all because there was this feeling that you've got to keep this thing going.

[928] And then after a long period of time, I started to feel like I still want to make funny things or things that I want to try to make funny things or things that I think are funny, but I don't think anybody needs to see me every night.

[929] It really did come from that.

[930] I do not think this is necessary anymore for me. I really, I don't think America demands it.

[931] So you don't read the comments.

[932] I'm not sure And it's just volume It had been I think Something like 4 ,500 hours of Entertaining people And I thought I still want to do that And the podcast gives me the ability To do this quite regularly But when I make something for television I'd like to make less of it And maybe put a little more time into it So we'll see but I was it a hard decision you know I have to say it really wasn't so did your life change significantly like before and after do it like when you walk when you were like I am done like how did your day to day is it different it's different but I was surprised at how busy it still is it's very busy because there's a lot to do I mean we're we're working on the next thing but also I the podcast we do this and we also do do fan episodes once a week.

[933] Oh, I know.

[934] How about that guy with the tanks?

[935] Oh, man. Yeah, I can't believe it.

[936] I want to buy that tank.

[937] I could not understand.

[938] I came in in the middle.

[939] I know, because I do listen like it's radio.

[940] I appreciate that when you go.

[941] He came in the middle.

[942] Well, how?

[943] That is something I would do too.

[944] Yeah.

[945] And I would be like, I wish I had heard the beginning.

[946] Well, guess that'll never happen.

[947] That's the kind of thing I would say in front of my son and he'd say, no, you slide it back to the beginning.

[948] Yeah.

[949] You can control your destiny as a podcast.

[950] You can.

[951] But when you listen, so in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, I try not to look at a screen.

[952] Right.

[953] But I can't, I don't want to get in my crazy, wheely thoughts.

[954] So I hit the podcast button on my phone and I just, and I usually hit the sleep timer for like 30 minutes or something.

[955] But every now and again, it, I miss the timer and it just keeps going and going and going.

[956] So it says that I've listened to 17 podcasts that I haven't.

[957] So I'm going back and I'm just hitting and it's in the middle.

[958] And I love that I'm getting into your head while you I know, you know.

[959] But that tank guy, the fan guy, was amazing.

[960] He builds tanks.

[961] That was crazy.

[962] That was like your dream dude, right?

[963] Yeah.

[964] I have to admit, there is part of me that wants to have a tank.

[965] Yeah, I know.

[966] We all know.

[967] And I want to blow things up.

[968] So you have to do, you've had fan episodes and you've got this and then you've got all the other podcasts that you produce.

[969] Plus, you don't just get a body like mine.

[970] Like, I'm working out constantly.

[971] I'm using various.

[972] I'm using...

[973] What?

[974] You're an old ship?

[975] I'm an old ship.

[976] We have to re...

[977] I need rigging.

[978] I've got barnacles in my nether regions.

[979] Oh, no. There's a lot of us.

[980] We've talked too much about your penis.

[981] Oh, for God's sake.

[982] And yet the penis hasn't spoken, which is...

[983] Oh, no. The thing is, when my penis talks, it's like he's very, he's an interesting.

[984] Yeah.

[985] And he likes to read like the New Yorker.

[986] Yes.

[987] And back when I was in my single days, and I'd be like, yeah, and he gets, you know, like, I'd be like, come on a hot date.

[988] You got to, you know, you got to, you know, don't want to.

[989] Did you put that?

[990] What are you reading?

[991] Are you reading the Atlantic?

[992] I'm reading an article about global warming.

[993] Stop it.

[994] This is, we got to get to work here now, you know?

[995] This woman's hot.

[996] This date's going really well.

[997] You're a problem.

[998] I have an idea that we should wrap up this podcast episode with the understanding that you'll be listening to this half asleep, Julie, and we can end this episode with some little whispers for you.

[999] Oh, that's a good idea.

[1000] Oh, my gosh.

[1001] You know you're going to listen to yourself.

[1002] Yeah.

[1003] And now it's time for you to relax.

[1004] Sleep, sleep.

[1005] Oh, my, this is so nice.

[1006] Sleeves.

[1007] Fleeves is so much.

[1008] It's someone talking to me now, too.

[1009] Is this really happening?

[1010] What if this actually happens?

[1011] Yeah, you should just go to sleep.

[1012] Oh, my God.

[1013] I'm awake now.

[1014] I'm awake.

[1015] What is he coming into it?

[1016] Cohn is a penis.

[1017] That's a wake or a murder.

[1018] Nobody wants to talk to your penis.

[1019] I had kind of seen about three hours ago.

[1020] Shut up.

[1021] We're trying to get Julie Bowen to go to sleep.

[1022] It brings me so much joy.

[1023] You have got to sleep.

[1024] sleep at night and that is true Matt you're right you're going to and to all of our listeners right now I don't care where you're listening if you're at work if you're performing surgery important surgery life -saving surgery I want you to go to sleep if you're listening in the car and you're transporting a bunch of it in children to preschool sleep just not all just let it go Julie we have you you came in loaded for bear and fantastic thank you for saying that I love it some people like people being nerdy super fans I am such a nerdy super fan I have favorite episodes I have favorite bits and to be here is like it's a full armpit explosion of sweat Jesus I just love you and you're really good at this And you're really, you're like, you are kind of the godfather.

[1025] If we could get some godfather music.

[1026] We don't have to pay for this.

[1027] The licensing that Coppola will hit us for.

[1028] It costs so much.

[1029] But you are, you are the, you made this weird thing that people do in their basements and in their closets.

[1030] It's incredibly cool and interesting, and I've actually learned a lot, and you've inspired me and inspired me to do my own podcast, but everybody comes on here, and I'm always like, I want to be the person that he says, we should get a meal.

[1031] Look, I'm pretty busy.

[1032] Oh, no. And I know you just put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

[1033] I really did.

[1034] Are you kidding?

[1035] I mean, first of all, my wife is also.

[1036] going to be jealous if she's not part of it because, as you know, she is.

[1037] I won't wear inflammatory sweaters.

[1038] No, you should.

[1039] No, you absolutely should.

[1040] It's not inflammatory.

[1041] I just.

[1042] It's the female reproductive system.

[1043] It's the, it's the reason we're all here for Christ's sake.

[1044] Well, I thought if nothing else, because, you know, for talk show segments, you have to have stories and stories and stories and I was driving here or getting dressed and I said, I got nothing.

[1045] There's no pre -interview.

[1046] There's nothing.

[1047] All I know is these people talking.

[1048] And I knew I loved your penis voice.

[1049] And I knew that you didn't necessarily have a vagina voice or a uterus voice.

[1050] He's scared of it.

[1051] It usually makes you cringe.

[1052] He can't hear the word uterus.

[1053] He can't hear the word ovary.

[1054] It would sound like Saran from Lord of the Rings.

[1055] Why are you here?

[1056] I knew this wasn't going to work out.

[1057] You have no right.

[1058] Wow, you're dancing around.

[1059] Oh my God In my wildest dreams I didn't think I would actually hear this Oh my God Be gone Okay I'll just Take this little ring and go You'll take nothing Oh wow Okay well there we go There it is that's the vagina voice Oh wow The voice of Saron The I can seriously Evil Force in the universe.

[1060] All right, well, Julie, you've got to come back because this was...

[1061] Please.

[1062] Sorry.

[1063] You got to come back because this was too much fun.

[1064] And congrats on your new venture, Quitters, which is available where?

[1065] Wherever you get your podcast.

[1066] I mean, wherever you get your podcast.

[1067] Conan, thank you so much.

[1068] Julie, I'm sorry I ruined it.

[1069] Oh, man. You didn't ruin anything.

[1070] You were great.

[1071] Quitters, check it out.

[1072] And Julie, please come back soon.

[1073] Thank you.

[1074] Thank you so much.

[1075] Hey, Conan.

[1076] you popped up on Saturday Night Live very recently and very specially.

[1077] Yeah.

[1078] Yeah, it was...

[1079] Specialy.

[1080] Yeah, specially.

[1081] I don't know if that's the right way.

[1082] It was a very special episode of Saturday Night Live where they...

[1083] They addressed eating disorders and it started out by saying this is a very special Saturday Night Live tonight.

[1084] Specialy, what am I thinking?

[1085] I don't know what you were thinking, but...

[1086] Yeah, it was really nice.

[1087] It was special.

[1088] I don't know when this...

[1089] when people will be hearing this but as I speak it was just the other day and what happened was John Mullaney who I'm a huge fan of and we've become pals over the years he basically told me that he was going to be hosting Saturday Night Live for the fifth time and that I was invited to come by and see the show and I had not been back to 30 Rockefeller Center or I don't, pretty much since, you know, I departed in 2009 to come out west.

[1090] So I've been back there, and it felt like this is a nice way to go back.

[1091] The plan was just for me to sit in the audience and get to see some of the people that I've, you know, or hang around backstage and watch the show.

[1092] And then, and reconnect with people like Jim Downey, who's the head, was the head writer at Saturday Night Live.

[1093] who hired me, who's one of the icons, one of the great comedy writers of all time.

[1094] He and I have reconnected recently, so I was going to see him, and we were going to see the show together and watch John do his thing.

[1095] And then John mentioned to me, he called me up.

[1096] I think it was on Thursday or something and said, hey, we're writing a sketch.

[1097] Would you want to be in it?

[1098] And I thought, if I get paid.

[1099] Oh.

[1100] No, I didn't.

[1101] I said, I said, sure.

[1102] What was nice about it was I always like whenever I can close a circle or in this sort of cosmic way.

[1103] It was a sketch called Five Timers Club, and it's basically any time someone's hosted the show, their fifth time, they're welcomed into the club.

[1104] Long time ago, I think this was 1989, maybe or 1990, when I was a writer at SNL, they did the sketch for the first time.

[1105] Someone thought of it, and they were welcoming Tom Hanks into the Five Timers Club.

[1106] And I'm just a writer at the show, a skinny kid in his 20s.

[1107] I remember Jim Downey, I think, said, well, there should be a doorman who opens people up, who opens the door and lets people into the club.

[1108] Conan, why don't you do that?

[1109] And so there's this footage you can probably see online of the very first five -timers sketch from whatever it is, 90 or, you know.

[1110] I love that.

[1111] Was that the first time you were on camera?

[1112] No, I had done other things, but this was a big one just because Steve Martin's in the sketch and Elliot Gould's in the sketch and Paul Simon's in the sketch.

[1113] And my job was just to open the door.

[1114] And I think Tom Hanks unnecessarily says a fake name for me. He says, oh, hello, Sean.

[1115] Like, there was no reason for me to have a name.

[1116] But I think he just said, oh, hello, Sean.

[1117] And it's like, and then I put a smoking jacket on him.

[1118] I remember having a little trouble with the smoking jacket for a second and having a heart attack.

[1119] Something probably nobody else remembered.

[1120] Yeah.

[1121] And then I remember seeing this live.

[1122] Yeah.

[1123] I watched that.

[1124] And did you look at the guy who was opening the door who worked at the five -timers club named Sean and think that guy looks like he's got what it takes?

[1125] No, I thought that guy will someday be the bane of my existence.

[1126] A lot of people thought that.

[1127] And they were right.

[1128] So anyway, I did that.

[1129] And it was kind of just a nice moment, you know, of all the moments in my life.

[1130] That was just a nice little moment that I had.

[1131] So then John Mullaney very kindly said, oh, it'd be kind of cool if Conan was in this five -timer sketch and came by.

[1132] And he gave us the reason, when they asked me, what are you doing here?

[1133] I said, I'm here to sign up for Peacock.

[1134] That was a great line.

[1135] But, and then, you know, so John wrote this nice thing, and I thought, well, this is okay, this will be fun.

[1136] And then I come back to NBC and I hadn't been there in a long time.

[1137] And it was just lovely because all these cameramen, I mean, Blay, you can jump in here because Aaron Blair, you worked with me at Saturday and not at Saturday and at Live.

[1138] You worked with me at late night, which was on the ninth, we were on the ninth floor and SNL was on the eighth floor.

[1139] and their offices are on the 17th floor.

[1140] I'm just going to start naming what's on.

[1141] Then there's an insurance company on the fifth floor.

[1142] And you walk in from the front door.

[1143] Our studio, of course, on the sixth floor.

[1144] No, anyway, yeah, it's floors with Conan O 'Brien.

[1145] Now, on the 43rd floor, it's interesting.

[1146] There's a Bitcoin company now.

[1147] But anyway, you work there, Blay.

[1148] And so there are all these people that have worked at 30 Rock forever.

[1149] And so you go there and people are just coming off of...

[1150] It's nice.

[1151] Have you ever seen the movie Sunset Boulevard?

[1152] There's a scene where Nora Desmond, the aging silent film star, goes back to the studio and she goes back to the film studio and she hasn't been there in a long time and she walks in and all these people up in the cameras and holding the lights go, Nora!

[1153] Nora!

[1154] You know, it's me!

[1155] And she goes, oh, Giuseppe!

[1156] And then another guy will go like, Miss Desmond, you know, good to see you.

[1157] go, oh, it's, you know, it's Tommy.

[1158] Hello there, Tommy.

[1159] That's how it felt a little bit.

[1160] I was a very old silent film star who went back, but it was really very meaningful and sweet because some of the people that worked on my late night show are there, Tina Ryan, who did, you know, worked in wardrobe.

[1161] She came and found me and started, she was crying, and I practically started crying, although I didn't because I don't have, well, I don't have a soul, but we had a really nice connection and so many people came out and said hi and I absolutely loved it.

[1162] And then to boot, I get to, I don't take it for granted, but any time I get to hang out because you really do have to hang out there for a while.

[1163] If you're doing it, you have to do it at dress, you have to do it at air.

[1164] So who am I hanging out with, Tina Faye, Steve Martin, you know, Candice Bergen was in the sketch, and Elliot Gould, and, you know, Paul Rudd, who, you know, it's one of those things where you'd love to be able to say, you know the way you think Paul Rudd is a nice guy?

[1165] Well, let me tell you.

[1166] And then you, he is, there is not a nicer human being in the world than Paul Rudd.

[1167] And he's really funny, obviously, and great.

[1168] So I was just having the time of my life hanging out with these guys.

[1169] And you mentioned the podcast.

[1170] Oh, yeah.

[1171] I know, that was really.

[1172] Disparagingly.

[1173] Disparagingly, yeah.

[1174] Well, they had this great set -up line, which was, you know, I basically say, John Mullaney, this is a very special thing, why I host, you know, I was on TV for whatever, 30 years and I can, you know, I think I'm bragging or somewhat about how I've been on TV for 30 years and then he says, or for decades.

[1175] And then he says, well, what do you do now?

[1176] And I just went, I have a podcast.

[1177] and getting to just hang out with such, you know, I mean, these are, it's funny because people assume that because I've been doing this a long time, that I wouldn't get phased by people.

[1178] But I'm always going to be a little intimidated by a Steve Martin.

[1179] And frankly, also a Tina Faye.

[1180] I think she's absolutely brilliant.

[1181] And every time I'm around Tina, I'm like, I want my best behavior because I, you know, she's one of the best of all time.

[1182] And I just, so anyway, that was all great, but it was really funny as I make that kind of joke about, yeah, I'm just doing a podcast, big deal, ha, ha, and the crowd really laughs.

[1183] And then I'm walking, when the sketch is over and the band's playing, you have to walk through the crowd to get back to your dressing room.

[1184] And people in the crowd started shouting, Katakai, Katakai.

[1185] And I was turning around to me, yeah, it was so funny, because I've just been like, you, I just have a podcast.

[1186] And then I'm walking through that crowd and those chairs are on the floor and a guy goes, Katakai.

[1187] And then someone else goes, Katakai.

[1188] And then someone else was like, has God made her?

[1189] And I'm like, man. Oh my God.

[1190] Yeah, this is great.

[1191] And then they, yeah, so that was, I mean, and then I, of course, I went to the after party and talked to Lorne Michaels for a really long time, which was he's the reason anybody knows me at all.

[1192] He put me, he plucked me from pretty much complete obscurity and put me in this, impossible position.

[1193] So that was anytime I, you know, I get to pass, cross pass with him and sit there and have a drink and talk is really a big deal for me. And then, and also getting to talk to that cast and those writers.

[1194] They're super talented.

[1195] And so it just was kind of emotional, you know, to get to go back and have that connection and also just see what good hands that show is in.

[1196] I mean, they're very, very, man, they're talented writers and incredibly talented performers.

[1197] So, anyway, that was a treat.

[1198] That's very cool.

[1199] Now, let's get back to what floor, what things happen on.

[1200] No. As I said, NBC News, third floor.

[1201] Yeah, exactly.

[1202] And a lot of people don't know, but the legal counsel for Nike shoes.

[1203] Now, that is on the 55th floor, but it's on the north side, not the south.

[1204] When we redid the offices and half of our offices moved to eight, half of our offices were shared with the tax department.

[1205] Guess what?

[1206] If I've ever heard of a chunk that can get cut, it's a, this is a very specially episode.

[1207] I love how I got super, about as emotional as I can get, about going back to Saturday Night Live and saying such sweet things and having a real moment and then immediately we veer into, hey, remember when we shared offices with the, tax department?

[1208] Anyway, a big, huge thank you to everyone at S &L and John Mullaney especially, but everyone else who made me feel so welcome and they were so sweet.

[1209] And so thank you all.

[1210] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley.

[1211] Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1212] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1213] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1214] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1215] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1216] Engineering by Will Beckton.

[1217] Additional production support by Mars Melnik.

[1218] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1219] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1220] Got a question for Conan?

[1221] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -251 -2821 and leave a message.

[1222] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1223] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1224] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.