MFM Minisode 210

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[2] The minisone.

[3] That's Karen Kilgara.

[4] That's Georgia Hard Stark.

[5] It's Friday night.

[6] We're about to party with emails.

[7] Going.

[8] Email party.

[9] Going, going, going.

[10] And it's gone.

[11] What?

[12] Do you want to go first?

[13] It's been a long week.

[14] Do you want to go first?

[15] We want me to go first again.

[16] Actually, do you have like a sweet little ending one?

[17] I like my ending one.

[18] Okay.

[19] If you want me to, yeah.

[20] If you want to go first.

[21] And I'll go first.

[22] Look at us.

[23] 2021.

[24] Okay.

[25] This is called the one with the grandpa murder.

[26] Hi.

[27] Steven, Georgia and Karen.

[28] Love the pod, etc., etc. I'm here to tell you a good old fashioned hometown murder.

[29] In fact, it's such a classic.

[30] It's on the original unsolved mysteries.

[31] Nice.

[32] So I was like, you're famous.

[33] It says season six, episode 10.

[34] It's the story of the time my grandpa got murdered.

[35] Oh no. I know.

[36] On the night of May 15th, 1981, my grandfather was attending a political fundraiser when he was shot in the head, point blank, and killed.

[37] Despite the roughly 400 people in attendance that night, no one saw a thing.

[38] And most of the people interviewed refused to disclose any information because they feared for their own lives.

[39] Now, here's where it gets fishy.

[40] So I'm going to, there's a, it's already fishy.

[41] I know, right?

[42] There's a name in it, but I'm just.

[43] just going to use the initial of the last name because it's alleged.

[44] But if you watch the episode, I'm sure they say it.

[45] Now here's where it's get fishy.

[46] Though he was off duty when the police arrived, deputy chief John C. was already on the scene.

[47] And throughout the investigation, he gave several reasons for his attendance at the fundraiser that evening.

[48] The bullet used in the killing was recovered and sent for testing.

[49] But even though it was being kept in a locked drawer in C's desk that the lab was having trouble processing it, because they said the bullet had a hole punched into it in an effort to prevent tracing.

[50] The bullet had a hole punched into it in an effort to prevent tracing what kind of weapon was used.

[51] Despite this, they managed to identify the gun used.

[52] And guess who's the only fucking officer on the force who used that kind of gun?

[53] John C. Yep.

[54] John C. I really wanted to get.

[55] You were right.

[56] Yeah.

[57] He also failed a polygraph test.

[58] So, yeah, though his death is labeled.

[59] to cold case, a cursory study of the evidence makes it pretty fucking obvious who did it.

[60] The last bit is just some spooky stuff that happened after the murder.

[61] Nights after his father was murdered, my dad awoke to a bullet being shot through their living room window.

[62] Whoa.

[63] They also got calls in the middle of the night with a mysterious voice saying, I know who killed Jay, the name of the grandpa.

[64] My uncle also claims he once paid for something at a coroner's store and one of the bills he got as change had, quote, I know who killed Jay.

[65] scrawled on it.

[66] No one in my family talks about the murder, so hopefully none of them are listening.

[67] When I asked my dad about it, he doesn't say much, but I thank him for instilling a fear of police in me at a young age and always reminding me that, quote, the cops can lie to you.

[68] Stay sexy and please get my dad into therapy, Hannah.

[69] Isn't that heavy?

[70] Yeah, it's awful.

[71] It's so awful.

[72] I hope that family gets closure.

[73] It sounds like, it sounds like a mafia stuff or like how.

[74] how are 400 people in the room when something happens and no one's saying I mean exactly it feels I don't she doesn't say where it's from but it feels small towny but it could be like Boston who know you know what I mean yeah yeah but small town would make sense because it's like everyone knows not to say anything or one of those kind of things scary okay my first email it's the subject line is Panamanian mom out crazy to mug her yes hello all in all caps when I heard the Scottish dad head budding story I knew I had to write in.

[75] My mom is from Panama, basically the opposite of Scotland, and Thessley had an opposite approach to self -defense.

[76] She and her mom, my grandma, were walking in Panama in the 70s through a bad part of town in broad daylight, albeit alone with me, a baby, my sister, a toddler, and my brother, who was probably like 10, when they noticed a man had been following them.

[77] They tried to speed up and make odd turns to get away or find safety, but with three kids and an old lady, they hadn't had any success.

[78] My badass mom had the sense that he wanted her and told my grandma to take us kids and walk the other direction past the guy.

[79] She did and the guy kept following my mom, now alone, like she had predicted.

[80] Knowing this guy was probably going to rob her or worse, she started acting all caps, crazy.

[81] She immediately started kicking over nearby trash cans, punching the air, jumping on the buildings and screaming at the top of her lungs, both plain old screams and curse words.

[82] She started pulling at her hair and hitting herself in the face and freaking out, all while walking forward.

[83] She turned around and made direct eye contact with the man. He looked freaked out, turned down the other street, and jog the fuck away.

[84] My mom met back up with us and they proceeded home to safety.

[85] My mom is still a total badass and kind of an insane one at that, but you know, fun insane.

[86] and we love her so much for it.

[87] Thank you for everything you do.

[88] Because of the way you two have destigmatized therapy, I finally found the courage to go for the first time about two years ago, and I'm now increasing to two sessions a week.

[89] And then it says, woo -hoo, question mark.

[90] I agree.

[91] I agree with that sentiment.

[92] Me too.

[93] And then it's just signed fuck politeness and SSDGM.

[94] Wow.

[95] What an incredible tactic.

[96] Like, what a fucking brilliant.

[97] Perfect.

[98] Perfect.

[99] Yeah.

[100] Look like someone they don't want to mess with because you just don't know how they'll react.

[101] Right?

[102] It's really smart and good.

[103] Totally.

[104] And it's like this person's not going to go easy.

[105] You know?

[106] Yes, exactly.

[107] It's basically like saying, come at me, motherfucker, but in the, without, you know, indirectly, basically, putting on a little play.

[108] A little play of how I'm going to make your life hell.

[109] I'm more unpredictable than you are.

[110] Love it.

[111] Yeah.

[112] Love it.

[113] Okay.

[114] This is called hometown story.

[115] Oh.

[116] And then it just starts, it starts like this.

[117] I know that I'm too socially awkward to even try and write a greeting that won't end up with me getting yelled at.

[118] Hey, easy.

[119] So just pretend that charming and eloquent, it'll work for all of us.

[120] You did it.

[121] You fucking did it.

[122] Congratulations.

[123] It's really easy to pretend because you make it easy.

[124] Okay.

[125] So back in 1993, I was a six -year -old girl in Australia, focusing on whatever six -year -old's focus on.

[126] Unbeknownst to me, there was a serial killer in my local area abducting, slashing, and stabbing teen girls and women and killing them.

[127] And their cats.

[128] What?

[129] Where?

[130] My dad became a suspect in the investigations.

[131] Dear old dad had the same naked model of car seen at the abduction sites, frequented the area where the bodies were discovered, and has a criminal record.

[132] And then it said, not for murder.

[133] And had no alibis for the times of the different murder.

[134] and abductions.

[135] With the suspicions and the investigation and the rumor mill, it was useless trying to keep us five kids out of the loop, and my dad, spoiler alert, not the serial killer, managed to get a murder groupie.

[136] One of my sister's friends, 16 years old and an adult to me as a six -year -old, kept coming into our house and following my dad around and asking questions to us about him.

[137] The final straw for my mom was that the murder group he started to come into the house to watch my dad's sleep.

[138] My mom found her standing over my dad fast asleep and staring and my mom promptly grabbed the nearest broom and aggressively swept chased at her feet, yelling at her to never set foot near any of us ever again.

[139] For good.

[140] Mom was hospitalized abruptly during this time, which did not help my dad look innocent.

[141] Oh.

[142] But I and my siblings were separated, taken out of school, and plonked in many.

[143] different family friends homes until whatever process needed to be done was done.

[144] So he must have been a major suspect if they were taken out of the home.

[145] It's not good that he had the same make and model car.

[146] That even though like obviously the story is about that the fact that that turned out to be a coincidence, it's not good.

[147] It doesn't bode well.

[148] None of those things do.

[149] No, it adds up real good.

[150] It does.

[151] Thank you for helping me more than you'll ever know.

[152] Stay sexy and don't break into your friends home to gock at a sleeping murder suspect.

[153] F. I mean, this was a weird enough story as it was.

[154] And F, I would just like to say, and I don't mean to attack you knowing how sensitive you are and how eloquent you are.

[155] It would have been nice to hear how the dad got off.

[156] Did the person get caught?

[157] Is it because they got caught?

[158] Can we have a little closure for the beginning part of the story?

[159] Then you introduce this total like random element.

[160] What happened to her?

[161] Where is she now?

[162] I want to know where she is now.

[163] I bet she's That's a fucking investigative law enforcement or something like that, I hope.

[164] The groupie?

[165] Yeah.

[166] Or are you the person writing the email?

[167] The groupie.

[168] It's almost like.

[169] The groupie is.

[170] No. She's like a 90s.

[171] Then she got cleaned.

[172] But then she cleaned herself up, got her life together, went to school.

[173] And now she's worshipping Christ somewhere.

[174] I mean, that's we.

[175] Look, she's borderline.

[176] She's basically a murderer.

[177] You know, that's writing that line.

[178] Yeah.

[179] full depravity.

[180] It's almost like the ones who are, you're a murderina like us.

[181] And then they're like, but I wrote letters to serial killers in prison.

[182] And you're like, oh, let's take a real quick step.

[183] That's not what we're doing.

[184] That's not how we do it.

[185] Although, but it could have been like the fascination of like, does she think she's a detective?

[186] That's what I was thinking.

[187] Does she think she's going to figure something out?

[188] I bet she's got some Nancy Drew's fantasies.

[189] It's just the then I want to go with that so bad.

[190] watching him sleep now takes us way the fuck over the line and now we're in our own horrible Australian and I feel like 16 is a little too old for this but what if she thought he was going to like make some sleeping admission I killed her you know what I mean I mean that would be a good alibi for her yeah to have said oh this is all justified but I love the mom is like no bullshit get the fuck 16 year old girl I'm not going to get you help I'm going to get you to get the fuck out of my house.

[191] I just think this is a podcast series waiting to happen, so what's, sorry, who how did they sign?

[192] From somewhere in Australia, please let us know.

[193] F, please, please fill in these gaps for us because it's all it could go so many different ways now.

[194] Truly.

[195] Is this the best story ever?

[196] Or is the most disturbing story ever?

[197] Okay, this is just a hometown story.

[198] Hi, friends.

[199] A few years ago, I was on my way home from work when I saw a dog running loose near a busy street.

[200] Being an Being the animal lover that I am, I stopped to pick her up.

[201] I knelt down and called to her and she ran full speed and jumped into my arms.

[202] Her name was Chili Pepper.

[203] I called the...

[204] It's my dream right now, by the way.

[205] I want a pet, like, an animal so bad that I'm just like...

[206] And I, please just come jump up at my arms, someone.

[207] Just some stray, someone?

[208] You know, you have two.

[209] Strays?

[210] That's true.

[211] You say, I want an animal so bad like they're...

[212] You don't have two in your house, probably on your lap right now.

[213] Those motherfuckers won't cuddle with me. No. They're not on my life.

[214] lap because they don't understand how lucky they are and they don't appreciate what they have.

[215] Well, Mimi is her own person.

[216] That's right.

[217] I'm sorry.

[218] I called my cat's motherfuckers.

[219] I must defend Mimi.

[220] Dottie is, Dottie is who Dottie is.

[221] Right.

[222] But Mimi, I think she has, like, Mimi has like an impacted tooth where she's just always in a bad mood.

[223] Yeah.

[224] Okay, okay.

[225] Chili Pepper.

[226] Sorry.

[227] Her name was Chili Pepper.

[228] I called the number on the tag and got no answer, so I left a voicemail, letting them know that I had their dog.

[229] The tag didn't have an address.

[230] So I took her home with me until I heard back from the owner.

[231] At the time, I was living in my first apartment with my ex.

[232] He was at work, and I was out on the shared balcony, potting some plants with chili pepper.

[233] Our neighbor's adult son came over and asked if he could have some laundry detergent.

[234] I left the door open and had him wait there.

[235] While I was inside getting the detergent, he asked me if I was home alone.

[236] I instantly got creeped out.

[237] I lied and told him my boyfriend was sleeping.

[238] Since I actually was home alone at the time, I scooped up chili pepper and went to my family's house to wait until my ex came home.

[239] Chili Pepper's owner finally gave me a call back and I was able to reunite her with her family.

[240] Later that night, I told my ex what happened and he insisted that I was overreacting.

[241] Motherfucker.

[242] We went to the Megan's Law website and guess who we saw?

[243] Dude.

[244] Our neighbor's son.

[245] He was listed as a violent rapist.

[246] Oh my God.

[247] Mm -hmm.

[248] Good thing I knew to trust my murderino senses and get out of there.

[249] I can't help but wonder.

[250] if chili pepper being there had saved had saved me that day.

[251] No, I believe it because it's you.

[252] No, it was you for sure, but like that it was you.

[253] Yes, yes.

[254] I was picturing the way this story is told and maybe she just didn't give chili pepper credit.

[255] I was like chili pepper's over in the corner like chilling so stoked to be out of traffic.

[256] I was either chili pepper's going to attack the guy or chili pepper's going to run out the door and so she won't be in her house apartment alone to be attacked.

[257] You know what I mean?

[258] but no. True.

[259] But, oh, sorry.

[260] Here's the, here's a sentence.

[261] We're going to pull it together for both of us.

[262] Maybe the guy was afraid that she would attack him or bark and draw attention.

[263] Jesus.

[264] Yeah.

[265] So that, yeah, I'm seeing it.

[266] You're right.

[267] Chili Pepper, full credit.

[268] I'm solving all of these, all these hometowns today.

[269] We moved out shortly after the building management gave us a hard time about breaking out of the lease early, but at least I knew that it would be safer than living next to a violent rapist.

[270] Say sexy and pick up.

[271] that runaway dog they may they just might save you to Nicole oh my god Nicole I think Nicole's giving the credit away though we love chili pepper and God bless her really that was all you Nicole it's all you Nicole I'm glad that you preemptively told us that he's your ex because someone who doesn't believe and gaslights your realistic fear isn't yes isn't someone you should be with yeah or if they if they're a minimizer and you go over to Megan's Law Web website and then you're right you have the ultimate card to play every single time they doubt you about anything anywhere anytime do you want to get mozzarella sticks I don't know if they're going to be good oh really because remember the time that you didn't believe me that the violent also whether mozzarella sticks not good are you crazy I've had you know what like ye rustic they just basically take string cheese and then cut it in half and fucking deep fried like it's terrible it's the best mozzarella sticks I've ever had.

[272] It solves all problems.

[273] Everything.

[274] Moxerella sticks.

[275] We hate this guy so much because of the thing I made up that he didn't agree to.

[276] He's such a dick.

[277] And why can't he be a foodie like everyone else?

[278] A foodie at Applebee.

[279] A foodoo?

[280] A foodie who doubts here.

[281] Okay.

[282] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[283] Absolutely.

[284] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[285] Exactly.

[286] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[287] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[288] That's right.

[289] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.

[290] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[291] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in -person.

[292] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[293] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes everything.

[294] every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.

[295] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.

[296] Connect with customers inline and online.

[297] Do retail right with Shopify.

[298] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[299] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[300] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[301] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[302] Goodbye.

[303] Here we go.

[304] It's Friday.

[305] hometown story.

[306] Dear humans and pets.

[307] Happy New Year.

[308] A long, long time ago, you asked for secret relative discoveries, and I have been sitting on this story for a while, but think you'll really get a kick out of it.

[309] Earlier this year, my father called me with some crazy news.

[310] He told me he received a call from a man who, through DNA matching, I had recently done the Ancestry .com DNA lineage thing, had discovered my father was his father, meaning I had an unknown half -brother.

[311] I, being a mystery -loving murderino, and an only child was floored and so excited.

[312] After quizzing my dad for details, the stories seemed to check out.

[313] My dad offered to give me contact details for this mysterious brother, but I was on my way to work, so I had to call him later.

[314] Anyways, fast forward to a few hours later when I decided I could not wait any longer and called my dad while still at work to get the contact info.

[315] That's when things got weird.

[316] My told me the guy on the phone didn't have his own email address, but instead you'd used his mother's.

[317] Weird, right?

[318] Yes.

[319] Uh -huh.

[320] I started getting concerned that my dad was getting scammed.

[321] I asked if the man on the phone asked for money or if my dad really believed his story.

[322] He didn't have a great answer.

[323] So I decided to get the email from my dad and investigate myself.

[324] I wrote it down and took a look.

[325] The email read April Fool's Day at gmail .com.

[326] Did I I forget to mention this all happened on April 1st.

[327] Then it says, big sigh.

[328] My dad is quite the jokester.

[329] So I should have seen this coming, but he really had me. My mom apologized for marrying a psychopath and the rest of my family called and berated him, meaning he told everyone, called and berated him for days after on my behalf.

[330] Can you imagine an only child, which is hard enough?

[331] And then they're like, I have a brother.

[332] This is the funniest April Fool's prank.

[333] And I am completely on the dad's side and entirely not on the family side.

[334] You'd never expect a parent to play in April.

[335] Like if any friend called me on April Fool's Day, I'd answer the phone and be like, fuck you.

[336] Fuck you.

[337] Fuck you.

[338] Fuck you.

[339] But.

[340] Right.

[341] It's a parent.

[342] It's a parent who figured out how to sign up for Gmail, which is like a miracle and it's hilarious to be like, I was basically like a male slut.

[343] Yeah.

[344] now you have a half brother guess your whole mind is blown and then he's like ha ha because it's a little sad it's a little like one if you didn't like your dad it'd be one step too far because the promise of a disagree the promise of a sibling after being an only child siblings what some weirdo that you don't even know that kind of has your nose like no don't worry about it it never was happening in the first place you have to remove yourself that reality was never there.

[345] Your dad just put up a hilarious, like a roadrunner fucking state cave and you slammed right into it.

[346] Because you don't have a sibling, but you have the funniest father on the fucking face of the earth, which is like three siblings basically.

[347] Yes, your father's doing sibling shit with you.

[348] That's love.

[349] That's exactly what siblings do.

[350] Yes, that's your dad saying I love you this much that I'd sign up for Gmail for you.

[351] And then she says, thanks for secondhandedly experiencing this trauma with me. It's not drama.

[352] Stay sexually and don't believe everything your parents tell you, Megan.

[353] Megan, don't believe everything your parents tell you on April Fool's Day.

[354] You got God, baby.

[355] You got daddy.

[356] She also didn't have siblings to make you a little not, you know, like I don't trust anyone because my siblings fucked with me so much as a kid.

[357] So she didn't have that experience too.

[358] No, you're right.

[359] It's a difficult thing when either when you're the oldest or when you have no. siblings you go into the world like such a dipshit yeah but here's the thing i'm i don't think megan is young i think megans been around the block a time or two and at the very least on march 31st put an alert into your phone that says prepare to be fucked with in some way tomorrow it's not doubt everything you read doubt everything you're told yeah get ready because this is the day people are allowed to do it and your dad is a prankster there's this couldn't be his first time absolutely not absolutely you're right because that was high level yeah yeah you have a half brother you've never it's sad and hilarious and wonderful of the same not sad it's not sad actually i just realized all my stories were father stories what oh happy father's day georgia thank you i'm like what day is it wait what day it's fucking hot like june even though it's january so maybe that's what it is 88 degrees in los angeles it's the middle of january uh this is just hometown story and it says, hi, all.

[360] In 1987, I was five years old celebrating some Girl Scout event at Chuckie Cheese.

[361] I'm not sure how I came to learn this, but I used to slip into the ball pit and slowly Oh my God, no, what?

[362] Slowly what?

[363] And slowly move my feet over the bottom, waiting to feel lumps of tickets and prizes that had fallen out of other children's pockets.

[364] You are a brilliant human being.

[365] How did I not know to do that as a kid?

[366] You're a hero.

[367] You also have so many jerks of.

[368] germs and bacteria on your face right now, but whatever, yeah.

[369] But they don't care because their eyes are literally on the prize or their feet are on the prize of getting that weird stuffed animal that's super cheap.

[370] Can I say I always thought it'd be really fun to like clean up after a festival or like a big show.

[371] Like I know there was a party at UCB, Sun or UCB Franklin, the comedy place, New Year's Eve.

[372] And I know the people cleaning up the fucking sad interns found a big old bag of Coke.

[373] on the floor.

[374] Oh, I'm cleaning up after New Year.

[375] Yeah.

[376] So it's like, this is like the kid version that would be like an unopened bag of skittles on the bottom of the ball pad.

[377] Or just a skittal.

[378] You know a fucking kid would pop that thing in their goddamn mouth.

[379] One delicious orange skittal.

[380] Here's the thing I'd like to say.

[381] And this is something I'm just discovering as we're talking and as we're as this is the topic.

[382] I grew up as we know, I'm old.

[383] I grew up in the 70s and a little bit in the 80s.

[384] Ball pits didn't come out until, like, I was a teenager.

[385] Is that true?

[386] I've never been in a ball pit.

[387] This is, and, like, that one that's in, at IKEA where you can look through a hole and, like, watch kids.

[388] It looks like the funnest thing in the world to me. And I've never, I just think it's too late and I'm too old and no, whatever.

[389] I don't know what it feels like.

[390] I don't know anything about ballpits.

[391] It's like being in a pool, but you're not wet.

[392] Which is like, it's actually, as I was saying, like this, I'm just.

[393] saying this as if it's better than it actually, you know, but I will say, I have so many thoughts.

[394] I didn't, it's one of those things that you don't realize are invented.

[395] So, like, the fact that it had to be invented and wasn't when you were a kid is, like, fascinating.

[396] My next thing is the fucking, man, we're just keeping, we're keep adding to the exactly right party when this is over.

[397] But, yeah, motherfucking ball pit.

[398] And one more thing.

[399] What?

[400] Can they, can you have like a traveling ballpark?

[401] Well, I was going to say, Rachel Bloom of crazy ex -girlfriend fan.

[402] I have her in there.

[403] You had to get her in there.

[404] Had to get her in there.

[405] She just seems fun because for her husband's birthday, she taped up their office, filled it with balls because his ball pit balls because his favorite thing was a ball pit.

[406] And they turned an entire room in their house into a ball pit for the party.

[407] How do you get into that ball pit without opening the door and having a ball come out?

[408] They put like a trash bag up to like block it.

[409] So they dropped in from the ceiling somehow?

[410] No, like it came up to like your waist.

[411] You just climbed over the.

[412] Listen, logistics don't matter.

[413] We'll figure this out for you, okay?

[414] A, she's lying.

[415] B, I want to.

[416] I saw pictures.

[417] I swear.

[418] Um, yeah, I don't even like I've, uh, like I've been in a bouncy house because it's like, oh, I'll go in with the kids.

[419] Yeah, yeah.

[420] Acting like I'm mad and then I get to do that.

[421] But you can't really get into a ball pit as an adult unattended.

[422] Like, you can't even if you have a kid, you're not supposed to get the ball pit.

[423] You can when it's your fucking party.

[424] Do you fucking.

[425] And then.

[426] And then.

[427] are going to get easy.

[428] That's right.

[429] Eric Andre has like the craziest parties too where he has like the slides and shit.

[430] I bet he's had a fucking bow or a ball pit at his.

[431] I need an adult ball pit.

[432] Yeah, we're going to do it.

[433] An adult.

[434] We're going to do it for you.

[435] Here we go.

[436] 22.

[437] Stop name dropping people.

[438] Okay.

[439] Oh, no, I was.

[440] I'm not friends with Rachel Bloom.

[441] She doesn't know who I am.

[442] Eric Andre has been to his parties.

[443] He doesn't know who I am.

[444] Oh, he will.

[445] Okay, here we go.

[446] So we're back with this child in the ball pit.

[447] Let me tell you some more people I know who don't know me. What other parties have you gone to?

[448] Look, listen.

[449] I never told anyone I was doing this.

[450] I would just make my way around the pit with my little eyes shifting back and forth, slyly filling my own pockets.

[451] What I want to know?

[452] It's so good.

[453] So good.

[454] So on this day, I was on my secret ball pit treasure hunt when my toes felt something cold.

[455] No, no. My toes tickled along the object, and I realized it was also really long.

[456] I reached down into the pit and pulled up in all caps, full -size pair of tailor scissors.

[457] These scissors have six -inch long blades.

[458] Oh, my God.

[459] When I recount the memory, I like to think that as I pulled the scissors dramatically up from the pit, they made that shink noise that happens in movies when someone understands.

[460] she is the sole...

[461] Let's do it.

[462] Shink out of the ballpits.

[463] A little kid.

[464] She's got her pig tails and her six -year -olds have braces and she...

[465] Oh, shank.

[466] Once I realized what I was holding, I just yelled, Mom!

[467] She sauntered over asking what?

[468] Through the little net that surrounded the pit.

[469] When she saw the enormous blades, she yanked me out and we went over to inform the manager.

[470] I don't remember much of their.

[471] conversation.

[472] What I do remember is that we went directly to eat pizza.

[473] The ball pit remained opened and I went in again after watching the animatronic show.

[474] Yes.

[475] Click.

[476] Click.

[477] It's your birthday.

[478] They happy birthday too.

[479] Click a little girl.

[480] Clank, clank, clank.

[481] Machine noises.

[482] Not one person was alarmed by this.

[483] I recently brought this up at a family party and my mom was just like, oh yeah, you were fine.

[484] Stay sexy and beware of ballpits.

[485] Nah.

[486] Huge missed opportunity on her mother's part to get a fucking shit ton of tickets.

[487] Lawsuit.

[488] No. You're like a lawsuit.

[489] A kid lawyer comes in and then it's just like, I declare you're guilty.

[490] It gives me the top level prize we'll do.

[491] We'll take that radio that doesn't actually work.

[492] We'll take the digital radio, clock radio.

[493] We'll take that guy.

[494] What's that?

[495] G .I. Joe.

[496] We'll take that guy.

[497] One of those phones that are see through and you can see all the colored wires and that everyone love.

[498] Yep.

[499] we'll take two of those and I have a rest what I rest my case your honor Nat thank you that was the visuals truly the visuals guys you have those stories and you're like oh I can send that in I can send that stupid story I have from child yes honestly if you want to send ball pit stories of any form please I would I would listen with bated breath to every ball pit story please tell me tell me what I've missed out on I've honestly like longingly looked at the McDonald's playland sometimes or just like you luckies I feel like deprived is the word and you need to bring this up in therapy who I think this is really what's at the center of a lot of my bullshit you're bullshit I'm gonna it's been a while we got a good one in happy 2021 year of the pun we've done it we did it all we've done it thank you all so much for your wonderful slices of life that was actually also there was a a lot of really personal family stories in this.

[500] And again, we thank you for sharing of yourselves.

[501] Truly.

[502] And be yourself always, unless you're not that cool.

[503] Okay, stay sexy.

[504] And don't get murdered.

[505] Goodbye.

[506] Elvis, do you want a cookie?