Prophet Ezekiel Profit

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous, but it's not Armchair Anonymous today.

[1] It's a special episode.

[2] It's a special experiment episode.

[3] It is.

[4] It is.

[5] Very flattering that we were asked to be a part of this.

[6] Because it's definitely something we've never done before.

[7] No. But it was cool.

[8] Can I tell a little backstory?

[9] Yes, please tell the backstory.

[10] Okay.

[11] So we have been trying to get Jonah Hill on this podcast.

[12] Which seems doable because I'm old friends with him and we had stuts on and he was so happy that we had stuts on.

[13] And yes, he's a beautiful person.

[14] Yes.

[15] We've been wanting to have him on for quite a long time and it just hasn't worked out.

[16] You'll find it annoying, but it's very sincere and I support it.

[17] It's counterproductive to what he's trying to do with his own mental health to come in and talk about stuts.

[18] For him, that feels like a betrayal and probably would ruin.

[19] the experience and the integrity of it yes yes so i get an email from a publicist and said hey can we chat about jona and i was like yes it got really excited finally yeah finally and she said there's a catch i said oh okay so we hop on the phone and she explains that Jonah and his team have a very cool, and it is very cool.

[20] Lifestyle brand.

[21] Yes.

[22] Clothes, homeware, called Meaningful Existence.

[23] Yes.

[24] And proceeds and profit goes to mental health.

[25] It goes to literally BetterHelp, who's a sponsor of this show, goes to scholarships for people in the field.

[26] To train to be therapist.

[27] Amazing.

[28] All of it's amazing.

[29] I said, great.

[30] We'd love to have Amanda talk about that.

[31] And she said, yeah, but.

[32] He's not doing press for it as him.

[33] He's doing press for it.

[34] He has an alter ego named Prophet Ezekiel Prophet.

[35] And the first prophet is spelled as you would think, P -R -O -P -H -Et, and then the last prophet is P -R -O -F -I -T.

[36] Yes.

[37] Prophet Ezekiel Prophet.

[38] And to be fair, we call it an alter ego.

[39] It's a character.

[40] It is.

[41] It's a character.

[42] It's a character he's doing.

[43] as a poke at a lot of brands that promote quote mental health awareness and with a guru positivity, right, with gurus who obviously are human.

[44] Well, yeah, and who there's a dichotomy there.

[45] Right.

[46] Commerce and.

[47] Of promoting products that help people when really they're just taking glory and also selling kind of bullshit products but not really helping anyone.

[48] but it's about the thing.

[49] Anyway, so he's built this brand around that and this character he's created is one of those gurus.

[50] Who originally founded in this narrative, meaningful existence.

[51] Yeah, he founded it, and then he got into some hot water, and so Jonah bought the company and is now doing good stuff with it.

[52] Yes.

[53] But this prophet is not really...

[54] He's still the figurehead.

[55] They're stuck with him as a figurehead.

[56] Prophet Ezekiel Prophet wrote a book.

[57] He wrote 12 books, but one of them includes life -changing, meaningful existence, monetizing happiness as one of this books.

[58] So in a nutshell, it was pitch that we interview The Prophet.

[59] And I said, we'll do it, but also we're not going to air it if it's insane and not good.

[60] But we ended up having a ton of fun.

[61] It was so fun.

[62] It was a great improv experience.

[63] It was really fun.

[64] It's the closest I'll ever get to all three of us co -starring in a film together.

[65] Yeah, and we treated it as we should, as it is a true armchair interview.

[66] Yep.

[67] We're us doing what we do.

[68] Yeah.

[69] It's really fun.

[70] It was so fun.

[71] I would do it 20 more times.

[72] So without further ado, please enjoy our interview with the prophet, Ezekiel Prophet.

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[74] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcast.

[75] or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[76] Profit, welcome to the show.

[77] Thank you.

[78] So you know, we don't in general have spokespeople for companies on.

[79] That's good because I'm not a spokesperson.

[80] Okay, but I mean, at the end of the day, there's like product and whatnot, but I just want to be honest and say that.

[81] Because I love Jonah so much, he's a, I believe he's one of the investors in the, parent.

[82] Yes.

[83] Yeah.

[84] Company?

[85] Yes.

[86] So, okay.

[87] You've said so many in factuals.

[88] Let me just like start from the top.

[89] Okay.

[90] Meaningful existence.

[91] Uh -huh.

[92] Which is the name of the company?

[93] It is now a company.

[94] It was a spiritual community that I, prophet, Ezekiel prophet, started.

[95] Right.

[96] Okay.

[97] Decades ago.

[98] And we had a massive following.

[99] We were, you know, one of the original prototypes for Scientology, nexium, all the classics, I was the person who decided that happiness could be purchased.

[100] And that's the only way that one can achieve true, eternal, pure.

[101] Enlightenment and happiness.

[102] Your premise is money does buy happiness.

[103] Monetizing happiness.

[104] That's mine.

[105] So what happened is meaningful existence was bought by a parent company, part of which is the actor, Jonah Hill.

[106] Jonah Hill.

[107] We're a big, Fans.

[108] Big fans of his.

[109] Yeah.

[110] Yeah.

[111] I've never seen anything except Evan Almighty and the film Stutz.

[112] Great.

[113] About his therapist.

[114] Yeah.

[115] You saw that.

[116] I don't believe in therapy and I believe it was a self -serving endeavor on his part.

[117] Yeah.

[118] Well, can I just for clarification, Stuts?

[119] It was self -serving for Stuts or for Jonah?

[120] For Jonah.

[121] Yeah.

[122] The thing is about Jonah is I met him a few times in the 90s when I liked, you know, more in his fat clown era.

[123] You know?

[124] No. He had a fat clown era?

[125] Well, he would dress as a clown.

[126] He was big and he was a clown.

[127] Well, yeah, he was bigger, but I don't guess I don't remember the colorful clothing.

[128] The face stuff.

[129] No. So I liked some of that stuff.

[130] Okay, but you didn't see it.

[131] Exactly.

[132] I like the imagery.

[133] Your age is kind of hard for me to nail down.

[134] Well, I'm eternal.

[135] You're eternal.

[136] So you were the born.

[137] My physical body was born.

[138] in 1955.

[139] So fast math, how many?

[140] Oh, then he's 68.

[141] Yeah, 68.

[142] Okay, so that's, that's, you look incredible.

[143] Thank you.

[144] If you're actually 68, you look really, really good.

[145] Yeah, thank you so much.

[146] Do you have a certain way you eat or moisturizers use?

[147] Well, the thing is, is just expensive stuff.

[148] Okay.

[149] Moisturizers, I eat expensive stuff.

[150] I eat expensive moisturizers.

[151] I eat.

[152] I started a market called Arwan.

[153] Airwine.

[154] Airwine.

[155] Yeah, you pronounce it Arwan.

[156] Oh, I'm sorry.

[157] Yes, where it's basically food for the rich.

[158] And if you're poor, you cannot, you literally cannot shop there because the food is so expensive.

[159] It is.

[160] I noticed that you're a fan in a shop there.

[161] I've been in there.

[162] It's so expensive.

[163] I know.

[164] I'm wealthy.

[165] And when I've looked at the price of some of the smoothies, I'm like $28.

[166] Exactly.

[167] Who could afford to really shop here?

[168] Well, only the truly happy, the only spiritually rich.

[169] are the actual rich.

[170] And so, but let me just clarify real quick.

[171] Meaningful existence, the company has a very different set of ideology than I have.

[172] Okay.

[173] When they bought the company, I had to legally come back and do a few of these to sort of bless the new leadership.

[174] Yeah, yeah, because I owe a lot of retributions.

[175] I don't want to get into it, but I do cut just so, you know, we cut stuff out.

[176] So if you want to, feel free to say things.

[177] Okay, great.

[178] Yeah, no, I was really close.

[179] We lost him recently, which has been...

[180] I'm sorry.

[181] Bernie Madoff.

[182] It was a really close friend of mine.

[183] Hold on.

[184] He died.

[185] He passed, yeah.

[186] In prison?

[187] Yeah.

[188] But from old age or a disease or...

[189] I think from sadness about being mischaracterized.

[190] And I think I've had the same feelings, but didn't pass from it.

[191] And I think what Bernie and I were doing a few years back was on and off.

[192] Can't get into the details, but I do owe some...

[193] money so I did have to re put myself out there for meaningful existence.

[194] And what the company is, what Jonah and these people are doing is a clothing company, a home goods company, and a way to get therapy to people.

[195] Yeah, it sounds super cool.

[196] The premise of the company.

[197] It's cool to them.

[198] I don't agree with it.

[199] Okay, but really quick, the premise is that some of the proceeds are going to go to both train future therapists, get people therapy.

[200] Right.

[201] Try to give back in some capacity to the people.

[202] What they feel is giving back.

[203] I feel it's taking away.

[204] By receiving therapy, it would be taking away?

[205] Therapy is pretty much the dumbest thing that a person can do.

[206] Because you don't talk about your feelings and your fears.

[207] You pay money from your wallet to eliminate and pay away the shame and fear or whatever you're feeling.

[208] And I've found that that works way better.

[209] But look, these guys believe what they believe.

[210] I owe what I owe.

[211] Right.

[212] And so what they're doing is this.

[213] They are partnering with a company called BetterHelp.

[214] Oh, yes.

[215] They're a sponsor of ours.

[216] Yeah, they're a sponsor of this program.

[217] Yeah, yeah.

[218] Yeah.

[219] And so what they do is if you sign up at meaningful existence, you will get a month of free therapy, which is four sessions in four weeks.

[220] Complete waste of time, but if you want to do it, go for it.

[221] As well as that, Mr. Hill and the company are going to be donating a portion of the proceeds from this company to give what they feel is really needed, which is new therapists.

[222] So you are donating to scholarships to create new therapists.

[223] I like that because can I tell you that my mom is up in Portland.

[224] It's not like she's in a backwater and she needed a psychiatrist.

[225] And the amount of strings I had to pull from down here to get her to an actual psychiatrist.

[226] in Portland was kind of mind -blowing.

[227] What does she look like?

[228] She's beautiful.

[229] She's like, what does she know?

[230] She was born in 51, so she's three years or older than me. Does she look her age?

[231] I'd say she looks young for her age.

[232] She looks great.

[233] She's on dating apps and she's flying off the shelves.

[234] Like she gets so much action on these dating apps.

[235] She's brown hair, shoulder lane.

[236] Yeah, she has big breasts.

[237] Yeah.

[238] And she keeps herself in shape and she has olive skin.

[239] Yeah, she's beautiful.

[240] But she does go to therapy.

[241] Yeah, I don't know if that would be a hurdle for you.

[242] I don't want to date her.

[243] I want to sort of mentor her.

[244] Okay.

[245] Oh, and get her off the path of this.

[246] Get her off the psychiatry and the pills.

[247] Oh, my God.

[248] Don't get me started.

[249] She's on pills.

[250] What kind of pills?

[251] You know, I guess mood stabilizers.

[252] SSRIs.

[253] I am also on an SSRI.

[254] Yeah, Monica's too.

[255] Which one?

[256] So loft.

[257] Good luck.

[258] Really?

[259] It's going.

[260] Those things are, I mean, those things are, how do I put this?

[261] What did Elron used to say?

[262] Like, they're like a little drop of the devil inside of a capsule that you're putting into your brain.

[263] He said that.

[264] I mean, it's been working pretty well for me. I've known her pre -imposed medication and she's far more stable.

[265] Yeah, just even hormone.

[266] Like, do you, what do you think about hormone fluctuation?

[267] I think there's male.

[268] hormones.

[269] I don't believe in female hormones.

[270] But that's me. Right.

[271] Sure.

[272] You're allowed to have your opinion.

[273] Yeah.

[274] And if it's helping you, then great.

[275] I mean, you're meeting me today.

[276] So this could be a whole new avenue for you to sort of get better.

[277] You seem like you need to get better.

[278] Well, it seems to me what's right here on the platter for me is the Steve Jobs analogy.

[279] But the more I'm talking to you, I don't know that that's actually the analogy.

[280] But in the sense, that he started this thing.

[281] He was a visionary.

[282] He led it to the best of his abilities.

[283] There was some point that he decided he had to leave there.

[284] And then he returned and he brought back this kind of essential ingredient that ultimately made Apple what it was.

[285] And you're at least on that logistical pattern of having started something disappeared under kind of curious circumstances, which I want to get into.

[286] And then now you've been asked to come back and return to the brand.

[287] But it's interesting because you seem to not be in lockstep with the parent company.

[288] Absolutely not in lockstep with them.

[289] They think that, okay, look, let's put it this way.

[290] One of the things they offer are goods that one would have in their home that would help with, what's the word people say these days?

[291] Mental health.

[292] Mental health, yeah.

[293] Okay, right.

[294] They make these things that you have in your home that help your mental health.

[295] So like an anxiety blanket.

[296] Meaningful existence makes a fashionable, cool anxiety blanket.

[297] Or a gratitude journal or compression socks.

[298] All this is bullshit.

[299] Really quick.

[300] It sounds like you don't believe in it, but what did compression socks do?

[301] What's their stance on compression socks?

[302] Apparently they can make you feel held and safe.

[303] Oh, like swaddled or?

[304] Yes, like a feeling of bullshit.

[305] Uh -huh.

[306] Biologically, physiologically, it does do some calming.

[307] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[308] Yeah, that's what they say.

[309] I don't believe in science or magic or whatever you guys are talking about, but I think those things, okay, they look great, sure, sell them.

[310] Yeah.

[311] You know, if they're contributing to the thing.

[312] We're also selling eternal happiness for $4 million US.

[313] Like what is in that $4 million package that is eternal happiness?

[314] That's so unimportant, Monica, of what's actually in it.

[315] It's more you just pay and you feel great.

[316] And the more you pay.

[317] Just the act of paying.

[318] Money is what makes you feel good being a good person working on yourself becoming healthier physically mentally spiritually all an illusion okay if you acquire money and give it to me us you will become happy and I can guarantee you that you can't you can literally sue me okay the profit personally Yeah, which I think the listener should understand that it's not P -R -O -P -H -E -T.

[319] That's my first name.

[320] P -R -O -F -I -T.

[321] That's my last name.

[322] Can we start at the beginning in 1955?

[323] You have some pretty Keith Renuri -esque claims about how you even entered the world.

[324] You claim to remember.

[325] I remember everything about my birth.

[326] You do.

[327] Yeah.

[328] And you even claim to remember before the birth.

[329] Of course.

[330] Well, I had hundreds of thousands.

[331] of other lives before this physical body that you're seeing.

[332] Okay, so what is your memory of being in the womb and then entering this world?

[333] Well, my mother was, how do I, like, I don't describe this.

[334] She was one foot tall and one foot wide.

[335] She was a square.

[336] She was a perfect square.

[337] Your mother.

[338] Mm -hmm.

[339] Okay.

[340] And being in her womb was probably...

[341] Sounds claustrophobic.

[342] It was a nightmare.

[343] Uh -huh.

[344] And so what happened was I was born eight months early.

[345] So you were one month in the womb.

[346] I was one month in the womb, but I was fully, the height I am now, wait I am now, hair length.

[347] You came out as a, sunglasses in, and I came, I walked out.

[348] I stood up and walked out of the one by one mom.

[349] Yes, yes.

[350] Did she have the most epic sigh of relief when you disembarked?

[351] Immediately.

[352] Well, yeah, that makes sense.

[353] You, I don't want to use the word kill, but.

[354] No, no, it wasn't anything to do with the childbirth.

[355] Because that sounds - She was hit by a car immediately after.

[356] Wow.

[357] Where was the hospital located on a toll road?

[358] Cedars.

[359] Okay.

[360] Oh, in LA.

[361] Cedars in Los Angeles.

[362] And they just pushed her out into Beverly Boulevard.

[363] I said it's one month in.

[364] It's fucking small in here.

[365] It's too tight in here.

[366] I don't like being in here.

[367] I want to do my own thing.

[368] Right.

[369] I kick as hard as I could a couple times.

[370] Uh -huh.

[371] On her abdomen or her mon's pubis?

[372] Her chest.

[373] Her mom's pubis is located on her chest because of, as I've just described her scale.

[374] Why described her scale?

[375] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[376] It's all pretty much right there.

[377] And so I kicked as hard as I fucking could, excuse my language, and she got right down to Cedars.

[378] She was teaching at Fairfax High at the time.

[379] This is 1955.

[380] Uh -huh.

[381] she goes right to cedars and a doctor says you're going into labor she says am i even pregnant right right she's only missed one period i'm also a complete square and i've never had sex and so this must be some kind of divine correct so she goes into labor what i do is i stand completely upright at five foot 11 which is my height full head of hair full with your sunglasses huh I don't want to get into this with you, but you're not 5 -11.

[382] Okay.

[383] I just, if we're going to proceed.

[384] I'm 5 -11 being modest and being, yeah, correct, without my slides on.

[385] Right.

[386] So probably 6 -1 with the slides.

[387] Anyway, life's a stage and these feel like curtains.

[388] And so I part these curtains and I walk out completely upright.

[389] Uh -huh.

[390] Naked.

[391] Yeah.

[392] But with sunglasses.

[393] With sunglasses in a full head of hair and slides.

[394] But I say to the doctor, I say, my privacy is important.

[395] to me, even in the first moments of being here, did my own circumcision, and then said, can I have a garment to cover my privacy?

[396] The doctor handed me a shirt that is the exact replica of this sweater that you see me wearing.

[397] It didn't say meaningful existence.

[398] Oh, okay.

[399] But that's where I got the initial idea.

[400] So it was just a white sweatshirt.

[401] It was a white sweatshirt, which is why we sell sweatshirts now.

[402] And that's what I base this on.

[403] I'm sorry.

[404] your private parts then were not covered oh no no i was completely i did the circumcision myself right kept the cord blood in case i needed it for later have you needed it yeah but ceremonially not at all for anything medical oh okay and just more like as a goof sorry you've totally gotten in my way and confused me i did the circumcision asked to be covered up okay the doctor gave me a cloth Right.

[405] But not pants, just a top.

[406] No, and I did it around my waist.

[407] Oh, I see.

[408] Okay.

[409] I also invented tying something around your waist.

[410] In the 50s, you never saw Jimmy Dean, James Dean, and people like that wearing a sweatshirt tied around their waist.

[411] That hadn't yet been done.

[412] No, that was done post my birth and circumcision and I invented it.

[413] So that's another thing that I've done.

[414] You must have been fully exposed, though, because when I envision tying a sweatshirt around your waist, you're going to see everything, penis and test.

[415] I was meant I needed to cover the backside.

[416] You were worried that people would see your ass.

[417] Yes.

[418] I was the original big -assed hot.

[419] Oh, like curvy.

[420] Right.

[421] At the time, this is the mid -50s.

[422] It was the height of Calvin Klein, heroin chic, skinniness.

[423] In 55.

[424] 195.

[425] Yeah, yeah.

[426] And I said, I said, I'm a curvier guy.

[427] I don't know how this is going to fly day one of being alive.

[428] Right.

[429] So I said, let's cover the back and leave the front.

[430] Because I have a different thing, but relevant, I think, is that I'm overly confident, except for my, I'm so nervous about anyone seeing my anus.

[431] Really?

[432] Why?

[433] Yeah.

[434] Because it's a mess.

[435] It's just not the best.

[436] Well, he poops out of there.

[437] You use the restroom?

[438] I wipe too hard.

[439] I'm really fanatical about cleaning it.

[440] Yeah, I have a sprayer, and then I also wipe.

[441] But sometimes it's red in there.

[442] There's more hair than I would love to be That's the part I would least want you to see But that wasn't your motivation Oh no, not at all You don't use the restroom You don't use the restroom?

[443] No, I basically digest everything I eat and drink Into words and then write them into books Okay Stay tuned for more armchair expert If you dare What's up guys?

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[460] So where do we, from 1955 and coming out full -size and your mother passing...

[461] 5 -11 without slides.

[462] Right.

[463] In your own personal story, which is self -reproper, reported.

[464] There's a big gap, kind of like Jesus.

[465] I really hesitate to compare you to Jesus, but at the same time, there's a 20.

[466] I wouldn't.

[467] I wouldn't take your foot off the gas on that comparison yet.

[468] But hold on.

[469] You're just getting to know me. I don't want to make it.

[470] But the only thing I'm making an analogy to is that I'm so curious what happened between Immaculate Conception and when he started doing miracles, like what was he as a teenager?

[471] What was he?

[472] How did he move through school, you know, what were you doing between 55 when you were born in 75 when you...

[473] I see you trying to make me cry, Dax.

[474] No, I'm trying to get me back to my youthful days, but it's...

[475] It's a vulnerable show.

[476] That's what we do.

[477] I heard that.

[478] I heard that about this show.

[479] I've never listened.

[480] So whose care were you in?

[481] I raised myself.

[482] You did?

[483] Yeah.

[484] My mom passed immediately.

[485] Right.

[486] I said, oh, my God, I'm an orphan now.

[487] My mom was immaculately concepted, probably by...

[488] Jesus or Einstein or someone like that.

[489] Right.

[490] And then here I am.

[491] I'm sorry, but that's like really, that's very traumatic because you saw that, I can only assume, right?

[492] Yeah.

[493] I was holding her.

[494] Think about it.

[495] I was so much taller than her at the time.

[496] Fully muscle developed.

[497] And you dropped her?

[498] That's what happened.

[499] So I got hit.

[500] Didn't even cause a fucking scratch.

[501] Right.

[502] She gets dropped.

[503] But the problem was there was a perfectly square shaped.

[504] hole in the concrete outside of cedars as they were doing road work so she didn't die from impact of the car oh she died from falling mouth hole of top of square down into the concrete and suffocation and that's when she passed and i said oh my god i'm an orphan i'm a god of some sort clearly because i'm one second old and i'm already in this position to teach this is a teachable moment is what I said, which were my first words, this is a teachable moment.

[505] Really?

[506] Before you asked to cover your privacy.

[507] I didn't ask through words.

[508] I asked with eye contact.

[509] Oh, that was confusing.

[510] You're not paying attention and you misunderstood.

[511] No, it's not that I misunderstood.

[512] I asked the doctor through eye contact.

[513] You said you asked for something to cover off.

[514] I assumed it was implied that it was through eye contact.

[515] Just going forward.

[516] I was just born.

[517] I feel you.

[518] I just know words the second I was born.

[519] Yeah, that would be crazy.

[520] Yeah, I would very much expect anyone born at 5 -11, which is really 5 -8, to come out and also additionally speak.

[521] At any point, anything that would happen beyond being born at 5 -8, I would say, sure, why not?

[522] Why can't the guy speak?

[523] Yes.

[524] You're wrong.

[525] Yeah, which is great.

[526] I accept that now.

[527] But what you did not do, I hate to correct you, is you didn't clarify that it was done nonverbally.

[528] You said I asked for it.

[529] Monica knows it was implied.

[530] I just don't want you to get in a fight with their kids.

[531] Okay.

[532] You're talking to a religious, spiritual sort of billionaire genius, and you're clearly insecure.

[533] And I want to honor that because this is a vulnerability -based, faith -based podcast, right?

[534] It's not faith -based.

[535] It is faith -based.

[536] No. No, there's no belief in a deity here as a guiding principle.

[537] We actually are sort of, we're kind of on the other side of it.

[538] We're kind of against having, like, hierarchical, like, worshiping, especially a person.

[539] which not to offend you Oh no no no that's fine You're going to hell not me It doesn't bother me That you don't believe in me and us It should bother you Yeah Let's make a real literal Some of these Did you go to school?

[540] I found a scripture, Dax Okay And it had these principles on it Okay I would love to hear what the principals are Okay I'm sure you would Where did you find it Jerry's Deli That is directly across the street Here's what the scripture said That I found at Jerry's Deli It was in a Rubin sandwich.

[541] Okay.

[542] One, you shall bring meaning and spread joy through fine clothing, shoes, and home goods.

[543] Uh -huh.

[544] Two, you shall monetize happiness.

[545] Three, you are a God featuring God.

[546] Four, if a corporation ever buys you and wants to make their mission providing free hours of therapy and helping scholarships for future therapists, and they will pay off the reparations you owe, that's fine.

[547] It's said that specifically.

[548] Yeah.

[549] Wow.

[550] In Braille, I still don't know how to read the Queen's English.

[551] I only can read Braille.

[552] And it's not the Queen's Braille either.

[553] It's a Braille that I sort of freestyled out that day.

[554] Your interpretation of the Braille or you ended up writing some braille?

[555] The Queen's Braille was based on what I, came up with that day, which was just sort of a lot of...

[556] You'll forgive me. I'm just learning that there's something called the Queen's Brow.

[557] I thought that was done through one of the Civil Liberties organizations.

[558] Yeah, like ASL.

[559] There is the Queen's English, but I don't think there's a Queen's Brow.

[560] I'll fact check it.

[561] She was a sweet kid, the Queen.

[562] Okay, you knew her.

[563] I did.

[564] And you knew her as a kid.

[565] In another life?

[566] No, no, she was, I mean, I call a sweet.

[567] I mean, anyone younger than me, I call a sweet kid.

[568] Okay, but she was older.

[569] She was older, this body.

[570] We've lived many, many lives.

[571] And you've bumped into her travel.

[572] We were married in a previous life.

[573] Queen Elizabeth, yeah.

[574] Oh, my goodness.

[575] This was ancient Egypt.

[576] Oh, so her, another life for her as well.

[577] Mm -hmm.

[578] Oh, I see.

[579] We weren't humans.

[580] We were two little caterpillars in ancient Egypt.

[581] And Queen Elizabeth and I were married, and we had an incredible time.

[582] She, uh, she does things.

[583] I think are interesting in her bedroom.

[584] Oh, sexually.

[585] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, getting ready for bed.

[586] Oh.

[587] I'm talking routine, like brushing.

[588] This is why she was a caterpillar in ancient Egypt, brushing teeth, face masks, stuff like that.

[589] Anyway, goes on, fast forward.

[590] I'm a prophet.

[591] She's the queen of England.

[592] I invent the queen's braille.

[593] she invents the Queen's Braille.

[594] It's based on what I did at Jerry's Deli.

[595] Okay.

[596] You know what's funny is her grandson.

[597] Yeah.

[598] Sat where you're currently sitting.

[599] Harry.

[600] Yes.

[601] I loved his documentary.

[602] Okay.

[603] Because I thought he did a good job of taking his money and buying a really nice house in Montecito.

[604] That to you is where the new found autonomy.

[605] Happiness came from is his home ownership.

[606] I guess I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it sounds like what you're saying is that he is under the spurious conclusion that his therapy has provided relief, but in fact, it was just purchasing the house, and he's maybe mislabeled what the impetus was.

[607] He's giving credit to the wrong thing.

[608] Who's the happiest guy you can point to?

[609] Myself and Jeff Bezos?

[610] Jeff's a dear friend.

[611] Okay, but he seems to have an inverted relationship to the principles that you're a stolen.

[612] He's actually selling things, not buying things.

[613] Oh, no, but he takes the money that he sells from his company and he buys things.

[614] You know that tight, tight polo he wears?

[615] Yeah.

[616] That's meaningful existence.

[617] It is.

[618] Oh, so some of your stuff is not even branded.

[619] It's not branded.

[620] For dear friends, we do.

[621] So there's no consistency or coalescence over the product line.

[622] If you're a billionaire, you can have anything.

[623] You can do what you want.

[624] I've blessed those people into being billionaires.

[625] Okay, so that's the part I guess I'm most curious about is leaving young adulthood.

[626] Some point, in fact, 1975 to 1980, you bounced.

[627] You went on a like a sit -Arthur type.

[628] Well, I'll tell you how I started my Siddhartha.

[629] And it involves violence heavily.

[630] Okay.

[631] So I was sent to a Oliver Twist -style orphan porridge.

[632] and it was ran by a holyman, what they called a holyman, which was a priest, a priest.

[633] And he said, Prophet, can you please make your bed?

[634] I'm 20 years old.

[635] And he says, Prophet...

[636] I presume you haven't made a bed yet.

[637] Never once.

[638] Right.

[639] Never even slept in a bed, which is why I never made one.

[640] Right.

[641] I grabbed a brick that I had in my pocket, and I struck him in the face as hard as I could.

[642] Now, this was, by all accounts, It's a lovely guy.

[643] Okay.

[644] He broke every single bone in his face with this brick.

[645] He did.

[646] He did.

[647] By applying pressure back to the brick.

[648] So it wasn't me striking him.

[649] It was him throwing his face.

[650] Head budding.

[651] Head budding and throwing his face at full blast into the brick.

[652] Now, I had to flee.

[653] Uh -huh.

[654] Yeah, naturally.

[655] Because they'm sure the police were called.

[656] No one understood.

[657] Right.

[658] So this guy has a sort of surgery, what I call blank face.

[659] So he has no features to his face after a reconstructive surgery.

[660] He has one hole to breathe and eat out of and just a completely blank face.

[661] He looks like a tambourine with a mouth.

[662] A hole, just one small hole.

[663] Like a donut.

[664] Oh, a donut.

[665] Yes, which I also invented.

[666] And so he goes on what is virtually a, press tour just saying, this guy's 20, he started meaningful existence, prophet, Ezekiel prophet.

[667] This is a cult.

[668] It's not a spiritual community.

[669] I have to go on the run because I'm wanted for face erration and my spiritual community is now in disarray.

[670] I leave the orphanage and I go sort of to the Nile River.

[671] In Africa.

[672] When you were a caterpillar, you were on the Nile in Egypt.

[673] The actual Nile.

[674] This Nile is in San Dimas.

[675] Oh.

[676] Right next to Raging Wall.

[677] Oh, at the water park.

[678] It's where the water sort of, the dirty water spills out of.

[679] I call the Nile of California.

[680] Okay.

[681] And I spent 20 odd years here sort of having visions, drinking only the water that runs off from raging waters.

[682] And this is mostly kid piss, chlorine, fecal matter.

[683] And through drinking this water every day for 20 years, I have.

[684] have a vision.

[685] Meaningful existence is now completely in disarray.

[686] I hire a sweet kid in the banking world named Bernie Madoff.

[687] Okay.

[688] And I sort of give him access to everything.

[689] And again, I've spoken to years later, he gets misconstrued as something totally different than what he was actually doing.

[690] Absolutely wrong and incorrect.

[691] There's no such thing as a Ponzi scheme.

[692] There's a pyramid of joy where you take the money from others and you sort of filter it up.

[693] Right.

[694] During this period of exile, you also had a mantra that you were saying over and over again.

[695] Do you want to tell the audience what it is?

[696] Well, great attitude, right?

[697] Great attitude.

[698] So you had this mantra for 20 years, great attitude, great attitude, great attitude, which over time became simply gratitude.

[699] Correct.

[700] Wow.

[701] Which you claim to have invented and own the copyright to for gratitude for being grateful in any capacity so anytime a human being is grateful I get three to four cents oh oh my gosh yes yeah what can I I mean I mean we can cut it if you want but can I ask what your worth money worth spiritually no financially just the same thing sure so what I'm worth on paper I mean are we talking like US yeah USDA okay US is kind of a standard currency I don't think I can answer legally.

[702] Okay, that's fine.

[703] It's in the 60 digits.

[704] Yeah, I would love to see any kind of statements or tax returns or, but my hunches.

[705] It's all, it's all accounted for.

[706] It is.

[707] I was the silent organizer in Fire Festival.

[708] Oh.

[709] Uh -huh.

[710] So it was Jarl rule, Bill McFarlane, me, and we were basically taking the idea.

[711] Ted Danson, too.

[712] Ted Danson's a great kid.

[713] Yeah.

[714] And what I think is I love about Ted is he was.

[715] on that show, what's the famous one?

[716] Cheers.

[717] Becker.

[718] And that's where I got most of my sense of humor from.

[719] And Ted is married to a gal who I used to date.

[720] You dated Mary Steenberg.

[721] Oh my God.

[722] In what year?

[723] Was it in this life?

[724] I guess that's a good...

[725] Oh, this was two months ago?

[726] Oh.

[727] I do believe they're still married, though.

[728] Yeah, let's cut this part out.

[729] Yeah, okay.

[730] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[731] So what I said the bill was, I said, let's get the best -looking people.

[732] Myself, Gigi Haddad, Bella Haddad.

[733] Hadid, Hadid, Mohamed Adid.

[734] Yolanda.

[735] Yolanda Hadid.

[736] And I said, let's get him on an island.

[737] Cut to Jhaugh and Ted Danson make a few mistakes here and there.

[738] I owe restitutions.

[739] Okay.

[740] That's what the restitutions are for.

[741] Right, which are intermittently called reparations and now also restitution.

[742] So regardless, I think the headline is you owe money.

[743] To a lot of people.

[744] To a lot of folks.

[745] Yeah.

[746] Because I think the greatest spiritual thing you could be is an influencer.

[747] Oh, really?

[748] Yeah.

[749] Right below Angel is Instagram influencer.

[750] It goes rich, hot, devious, Bill?

[751] Good person.

[752] Well, hot.

[753] You have to be in good shape and you have to look a certain way to be hot.

[754] Okay, great.

[755] All right.

[756] Those are the tiers.

[757] Spell T -E -A -R -S.

[758] If you, You are hot or rich, and you use that to sell a product to people who don't feel hot or rich, you are spiritually awake.

[759] That's my meaningful existence.

[760] You mentioned Steve Jobs earlier.

[761] I did, yeah.

[762] We won't get into it.

[763] Let's just put it that way.

[764] Did you ever cross paths with him?

[765] Cross paths?

[766] Yeah, I crossed paths with him.

[767] You did.

[768] Let's just say he wasn't wearing turtlenex before he met me. because his Adam's apple looked like a vulva and I was the one who said cover it up babe now you wrote a book when you came out of your exile you wrote a book called meaningful existence monetizing happiness and this book kind of put you in the public eye a bit it kind of got you a lot of notoriety and what did you do with that newfound notoriety well I did what all people people should do is when you get power or you get success is immediately exploited to take advantage of everyone around you.

[769] Now, me, I did that financially.

[770] I also did it in a way I'm very proud of how do you put like with mind games.

[771] Okay.

[772] Manipulating people.

[773] Oh, okay.

[774] Gaslighting, manipulation.

[775] Power is a persuasion.

[776] How many units of monetizing happiness did you sell?

[777] How many did Dianetics so?

[778] It's in the tens of millions.

[779] Yeah, a bunch million more than that.

[780] Even more successful than Dianics.

[781] Yeah, I'm not competitive with Dianetics or Elron.

[782] Right, because you were a friend, I mean, he bit all my shit.

[783] He literally bit all my shit.

[784] He bit your shit.

[785] 100%.

[786] The little alien glasses, those were me. Now, I want to, I want to close out by, because again, I'm only talking to you as a favor to my friend Jonah, who I don't know why he wouldn't come here to just promote it.

[787] He's just a fucking crybaby.

[788] He's a cry baby.

[789] That's my energy towards it.

[790] Denying fame is one of the most disgusting things you can do.

[791] Because being famous is almost as good as being rich as far as like quality of character.

[792] And so what I think about the guy is I liked him when he was like young, getting in trouble, sort of arrogant.

[793] And then he sort of got this energy about himself of like, oh, there's other things that are more important.

[794] whatever, whatever.

[795] Yeah.

[796] I have all this stuff, and yet I'm less happy.

[797] It's like the opposite of work.

[798] Literally the opposite of my philosophy is like he had stuff.

[799] Yeah, lots.

[800] Yeah.

[801] And didn't, wasn't happy.

[802] Right.

[803] Which can't we all agree is unappreciative?

[804] That's an interesting angle, but I, having experienced the same thing as Jonah, which is like, all I wanted to be was famous and have money.

[805] And look how happy you got.

[806] And I got those things.

[807] And I was suicidal.

[808] got into a program of recovery and then through that program started figuring out what actually made me having.

[809] Think about Jonah Hill for a second.

[810] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love him.

[811] Your opinion.

[812] He's so sweet.

[813] Your opinion.

[814] I heard this.

[815] Think about this.

[816] Guy makes super bad.

[817] Great movie.

[818] Haven't seen it, but I heard it's good.

[819] Yeah, made a lot of money.

[820] You would like that part.

[821] That part's good.

[822] If that's true.

[823] That's why I brought it up to you.

[824] The guy, in the past five years, how many movies is the guy been in?

[825] I think only one, for my knowledge.

[826] I don't know.

[827] I don't see him anymore.

[828] Yeah.

[829] He's somewhere reading books on being nice or something.

[830] I don't know.

[831] Right.

[832] So he's a fucking loser.

[833] But back to why he wouldn't come to promote his own, well, I don't know if it's this whole company or he's an investor.

[834] He's a safe place or feel safe emotionally to do that.

[835] whatever that means well you'll you have a line that's repeated a lot in your manifesto which is complete unrelenting control complete unrelenting control yeah how does handing over that to you help somebody the only way to be completely free and of your own autonomy is to give me complete unrelenting control financially physically in all ways in this act of service render somehow a new freedom is there you go really welcome to freedom it's so good to meet you guys if you ever want to experience joy please come to my basement wear the clothes home mingle buy everything and if you give me your social security number i guarantee you right now you'll be a happy boy really you have it already have totally been in your bank account rechanged all your passwords wow yeah okay And that's because Rob gave you that information.

[836] Well, yeah.

[837] And I spoke to the accountants and sort of everyone who has access to your stuff.

[838] I'll try it.

[839] Well, then we'll report back.

[840] Okay.

[841] You know, in the meantime, I will say that the gear, despite the carrier of the message, the message is pretty pleasing.

[842] It is.

[843] I do really like the outfit.

[844] The meaningful gear is nice, despite it having a foundation of pretty careful.

[845] Cancerous philosophy.

[846] It is problematic the way I think that the new owners of meaningful existence run it, which is like get therapy, be a kind person, and like have good taste and aesthetic can come along with that as well.

[847] And you can buy stuff and help people through therapy and things like that and destigmatizing therapy.

[848] I believe that is problematic.

[849] You're right.

[850] But I do agree with them on one thing, which is I like how the clothes are designed.

[851] Oh, wonderful.

[852] I also want to say that.

[853] good design and humor can coexist.

[854] Yes, yes.

[855] You're speaking to the choir.

[856] Right.

[857] We have a diaper company.

[858] You do?

[859] Very funny.

[860] Wow.

[861] It's very irreverent.

[862] Cool.

[863] For babies or for adults?

[864] Well, babies, unlike the variety you are, ones that require diapers and wipes and well, I don't have an asshole.

[865] What an interesting person.

[866] You guys have been great and thanks for coming.

[867] Yeah, yeah.

[868] You're here, which I think, So you can.

[869] Thanks for coming to the studio that now is mine.

[870] Thanks.

[871] Thanks for having us.

[872] You should know, because I don't do anything back door, when you leave, I'm going to call Jonah.

[873] And I'm going to tell him, you've got to get rid of this spokesperson.

[874] I think you need to step away from this company as fast as possible for everyone that's involved.

[875] I could not agree more for Jonah to not be involved.

[876] Because what I think about this guy is, you need to know this.

[877] You're going to call Jonah Hill.

[878] I'm going to call Jonah Hill and I'm going to like how are you feeling dags are you feeling okay and I'll say thanks for asking man yeah it takes a lot uh an embarrassing amount of effort it requires for me to not feel shitty and then and I see him in that way that's why probably why we're friends yeah but I'm going to tell him you've got to by by any means necessary get rid of this fucking guy profit I'm going to I'm going to tell him like and he needs to circle the wagons because I do think think he has a great company that you're shitting all over and ruining.

[879] Right.

[880] And I think I've been cordial this whole time because I've been really, really grotesque in my.

[881] I think you align more with them.

[882] The company.

[883] Therapy, helping people.

[884] Yeah, yeah.

[885] Yeah.

[886] Selling stuff to help people energy.

[887] Right.

[888] Yes.

[889] Yes.

[890] I do.

[891] I do.

[892] And so I think I'm going to tell him to get rid of you.

[893] It's just so you know.

[894] So I'm being above board with you.

[895] you.

[896] Great.

[897] And I'm also going to urge everyone to also ignore you and how you've represented this company.

[898] Because you've done a very bad job if I can give you some constructive criticism.

[899] No, that's meant that reads true for you.

[900] Yeah.

[901] To feel that way.

[902] It seems like a really beautiful endeavor of really good looking stuff.

[903] I'm going to support it.

[904] With a really nice philanthropic wing of it.

[905] You know, I just wanted to be honest with you.

[906] I think I owe you that.

[907] That's fine.

[908] You can't kill what's already.

[909] dead free listen it's the prophet it's been such a pleasure for you guys to sit here with me yeah it has it really has very memorable we can't say we'll have you back i'll be back follow armchair expert on the wondery app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[910] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.