Flightless Bird: DMV Pt II

[0] I'm David Farrier, in New Zealand, it accidentally marooned in America, and I want to figure out what makes this country tick.

[1] Now, in my constant struggle to become more American, I've been attempting to get my American driver's license while making flightless bird.

[2] Dax and Moniker have been helping me. Dax, did you pass your driving tests on the first try?

[3] Yeah.

[4] You know what I got warnings for was I was a little cock.

[5] I was driving with one hand, and they were like 10 and 10.

[6] too, and I said, I know, but for real.

[7] But while Dax passed his driving test the first time, I did not.

[8] Rather, I passed my New Zealand driving test the first time.

[9] I did it decades ago, but when it came to doing it all over again here in the US, I failed.

[10] So, in this week's episode, I get back on the saddle, or into the driver's seat at least, and with Monica by my side, I attempt to get my license.

[11] Again, along the way I meet Steve Gordon, the former Silicon Valley Hot Shot who's now in charge of making the Californian DMV faster, smarter and less annoying.

[12] So, steal your friend's car and get ready to bribe your nearest driving examiner because this is the DMV Part 2 episode.

[13] We're back.

[14] We're back.

[15] We're back.

[16] It's taken a long time to get back.

[17] A really long time.

[18] I feel like after the failure, which was...

[19] Can we call it in a...

[20] Hey, hey, yeah.

[21] Oh, my God.

[22] I mean, it was someone's sort of...

[23] I wasn't it to say the F word?

[24] It was someone's false, wasn't it?

[25] That's also an F word.

[26] I mean, what are your memories of the last time we went?

[27] I think it was a lot of people's fault.

[28] mainly someone who texts you and says Hey, I'm helping you out It was really kind of you too Do you have anything that I need to bring?

[29] Yeah, yeah What did you say?

[30] I said nothing, just bring you in the car There are a lot of things you need to bring And that created a lot of initial stress The ultimate sort of failure was your car's lack of ability to honk That's right That was the main problem That's right But we live and we learn from these things?

[31] I often think about chaos theory when it comes to things like this where all the little things leading up to this one event and what led to the failure what was it really could be the bug sitting somewhere in your car's honking mechanism that you know block the honk it could be the bug's fault like we don't know we'll never know oh that's kind of nice it's sort of relinquishing control yeah before we get into the sequel to DMV part one have you got any good driving stories lately any sort of experience I'm sort of thinking a lot about driving in America and what it means.

[32] I was sort of going through the states about where the most dangerous places are to drive.

[33] First, I got into the Collision Digest, which the Californian DMV puts out.

[34] What's that?

[35] Just how many people collide in cars with other cars.

[36] There's a whole digest about that?

[37] There's a whole digest, yeah.

[38] In 2019, 3 ,737 people died in California from car -related deaths.

[39] What about 2020?

[40] Because pandemic.

[41] I am curious how that changed.

[42] I don't have those figures in front of me. was a drop from 2018.

[43] I do have from Forbes the most dangerous places to drive in America, the most dangerous states.

[44] South Carolina, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana, and North Carolina.

[45] Wow.

[46] The most high -risk places to drive.

[47] Attributed factors such as more rural roads, less stringent safety laws, and lower income levels.

[48] Wow, that's very interesting because none of those places are the, places with the most traffic, which I would have assumed those would add up.

[49] The most traffic would add up to the most deaths.

[50] Completely.

[51] I mean, I was thinking Los Angeles, surely.

[52] And while their deaths are out of control, that's just because there's so many cars here when you factor it in with population.

[53] Percentage wise.

[54] Have you driven in Texas before?

[55] I've driven in Austin a tiny bit.

[56] It's weird going from city or state to state seeing the different styles of driving.

[57] Like, it's definitely different driving in Chicago than driving in Texas and driving in L .A. even.

[58] Chicago, there's a level of street smarts that you're expected to have as a driver, but you'll let someone in as long as they're not going to be slow.

[59] Yeah, there's politeness.

[60] But in, like, Texas, good luck changing lanes.

[61] No one will let you in.

[62] When I was doing the barbecue episode and we started getting out of Austin more, and we're still very in Austin, but away from the hub.

[63] Drivers were driving aggressively fast, like people just hoon and go for it.

[64] Whereas in LA, people are, I guess they're more aware.

[65] No, I feel like they're less aware.

[66] It's less intentional not letting you in it feels like.

[67] Well, exactly.

[68] And I also think because there is so much traffic, you can't go that fast.

[69] Yeah, because everything's just at a grinding halt.

[70] Yeah, completely.

[71] Let's get into the fun bit, which is me getting my driver's license.

[72] Yes.

[73] I mean, this will be very triggering for you, Monica, but it's kind of.

[74] to come back.

[75] We're going to fight.

[76] I feel it.

[77] As you may recall from our first DMV episode back on February 21st, things didn't go so well.

[78] Oh, fuck, they're calling me back over.

[79] Look, to cut a long story short, Monica's horn didn't work.

[80] She had no horn, and with no horn, I'm not even allowed to leave the lot.

[81] It turns out this test was like my first sexual experience, after all, practically over before it had really even started.

[82] Oh, my.

[83] My fucking...

[84] So, at the end of the day, your car was the failure.

[85] Wasn't it this beautiful?

[86] Mechanical failure.

[87] Monica's dirty Prius and its faulty horn let me down.

[88] I don't cope well with failure, so I could not bring myself to rebook my test.

[89] I went back to walking, Ubering and pestering my friends for rides.

[90] That is, until a few months ago, I texted Monica.

[91] I think I'm ready to try again.

[92] When are you free?

[93] She gave me some.

[94] dates and I booked a new test at the DMV.

[95] At which point Monica said, oh no, I gave you the wrong dates.

[96] I'm not free.

[97] After rebooking the rebook test, the day had finally arrived.

[98] Back to the DMV.

[99] It was 9 a .m. And Monica messaged me saying she was outside.

[100] A chill went down my spine.

[101] So no, it's on the side.

[102] So this is what we're, no, nope, on this side of the car.

[103] Yep, see that, yeah, it's fancy.

[104] Yeah.

[105] I know.

[106] So you're, we're going to have to, learn some stuff right now.

[107] Are we recording?

[108] We are, right?

[109] Yeah, it should be on.

[110] Okay.

[111] I was shocked to find that Monica's white Prius, once rendered unrecognizable by too much dust, was nowhere to be seen.

[112] She'd brought her chariot, her Mercedes.

[113] And this car was unlike anything I've driven in before.

[114] It's also on the side.

[115] Everything's like, so pulled that up.

[116] Yeah, that's right.

[117] And you can move it up.

[118] Okay, yeah, yep, yep.

[119] Okay, so this is what happened.

[120] You know what modern cars are like.

[121] And European cars, everything's on the wrong side, which is the right side if you're in New Zealand, but I've been in America so long it feels foreign again.

[122] Sunk into this plush leather seat, I wondered what had become of Monica's cute little Prius.

[123] Yesterday, you decided that you wanted to take the Prius.

[124] After part one, you felt loyal.

[125] And I thought, you know what, yes, this thing's going to get you through.

[126] the finish line.

[127] This morning I wake up, I go to get the key.

[128] No key.

[129] Okay.

[130] Uh, huh.

[131] That's curious.

[132] Maybe it's at Chris and a Dax's house.

[133] Maybe.

[134] Why?

[135] I have no idea.

[136] But maybe.

[137] Hollywood, I thought, full of swingers and sex parties.

[138] It was no surprise car keys had been left in someone else's house.

[139] Who knows what had gone on the previous sweaty Los Angeles night.

[140] So I go to the Mercedes.

[141] I think this is probably going to be what it is.

[142] and it's a mess.

[143] So again, don't look in the trunk.

[144] Do you think they'll look in the trunk?

[145] I'm a little worried about that.

[146] I threw everything in the trunk.

[147] Then I did go to their house.

[148] I did find the key.

[149] It was there.

[150] I walk up to the Prius.

[151] Yay, it's pretty clean.

[152] And I click the button doesn't work.

[153] And I think, oh, no, maybe the key battery is just dead.

[154] That's fine.

[155] Are they going to be bad at that?

[156] I don't know.

[157] Well, I'll use it manually.

[158] I get in the car.

[159] A completely dead.

[160] It's a dead car.

[161] So now...

[162] Here we are.

[163] Here we are in the Mercedes.

[164] And I...

[165] This car is fucking high tech.

[166] It is high tech.

[167] I press a button to turn it on.

[168] Who needs keys in 2023?

[169] And suddenly the seatbelt tightens around me on its own, possessed.

[170] Now here's the thing, David.

[171] When you get in, it does this weird thing where it moves on its own.

[172] and then the seatbelt like, yeah, it sucks you.

[173] And so you might have to readjust, but that's okay because they'll like seeing you then adjust.

[174] I feel panicking in this new car, but I try and play it cool around Monica.

[175] How do you feel?

[176] I really like this car.

[177] My one slight problem is that I don't have a lot of awareness of like how long it is or like where I am.

[178] I feel like I'm in a bit of an alien craft.

[179] Yeah, I get that.

[180] I still feel that way.

[181] And so we sit parked on the street and the L .A. Sun, And Monica teaches me where all the buttons are.

[182] I guess we just need to find the parking break.

[183] They might make you do the windshield.

[184] Oh, the wipers?

[185] Yeah.

[186] So pressing it in is parked.

[187] Mm -hmm.

[188] So put your foot on the gap.

[189] Like, let's start driving, okay?

[190] You're going to pull it down to drive.

[191] And these are the flashers.

[192] Okay, these are the flashes.

[193] I'm slightly taller than Monica, so adjust my mirrors using yet another confusing button.

[194] I think it's a spinny.

[195] Yeah.

[196] Spinney for sinnie.

[197] I remember that rule.

[198] Spinny for sinnie.

[199] Spinny for sinny.

[200] It's time to go back to the DMV or we'll miss our appointment.

[201] To park it, yeah, press it in.

[202] Good.

[203] And foot on the break.

[204] Good, perfect.

[205] Reverse up.

[206] Yes.

[207] Okay, you got that so fast.

[208] You're great.

[209] Monica gives encouragement as I put the car and drive and take off.

[210] She's in a good mood.

[211] far, probably feeling guilty about last time.

[212] And she should.

[213] And we'll need to practice honking to make sure it honks.

[214] Okay, yay, that works.

[215] It's okay.

[216] You got it.

[217] You know what makes a situation okay when you keep saying it's okay?

[218] You really got it fast.

[219] I'm proud of you, Sydney.

[220] Monica's being almost too positive.

[221] I feel like a baby been congratulated for finer using the potty.

[222] Good job.

[223] Wow.

[224] Yep.

[225] Wow, that was great.

[226] As we drive along crowded LA streets, I notice that Monica does start sounding a bit cranky, possibly something to do with the state of my driving.

[227] Oh, my God.

[228] Okay, let's do one parallel park.

[229] Oh, okay, let's not do that.

[230] Is the parking brakes still on?

[231] No, I think I took it off.

[232] Yeah, I took it off.

[233] It sounded bad.

[234] You sound bad.

[235] Oh, my Christ.

[236] You have to put your foot on the brake.

[237] Okay.

[238] Is your foot on the brake?

[239] My foot was on the brake, resting on the break at least.

[240] I'm always ready to break, as any good driver should.

[241] I grew up with a not -chill energy.

[242] Like, if my mom or dad was taking me, it wouldn't have been chill, and I would have been angry.

[243] Right.

[244] Like, I need them to chill.

[245] Alive.

[246] Things do pass down, even if you don't want them to.

[247] It's true, right?

[248] You're not going the right way.

[249] Oh, am I not?

[250] It says you should be going on Franklin.

[251] Finally, zooming along, Franklin, I feel a burst of confidence, American confidence, unbridled by the nagging New Zealander inside me who's always telling me I'm a mess of failure.

[252] Do you want to try practicing parking again?

[253] Oh, I got it.

[254] Wow, super confident.

[255] Are we going to get coffee?

[256] Are you going to drive us to coffee?

[257] There's no time for coffee, Monica.

[258] Maybe that was our mistake last time.

[259] acting too casual about it all.

[260] The test is in 15 minutes.

[261] I put my foot on the gas, my pedal to the metal.

[262] And if you're on the highway, do you know you're supposed to be, like if you're going 80 miles an hour, you're supposed to be eight cars with behind?

[263] Didn't know that.

[264] Okay, well.

[265] Monika is full of advice.

[266] After last time, I'm not sure how much I should trust her.

[267] Would this be a 25 or 35?

[268] It's weird, right?

[269] Yes.

[270] I think it's a 35, but honestly, I would just air.

[271] Air at 30.

[272] Again, I get a little nervous that I'm saying things that are just rules of the road, but not the rules of the law.

[273] While Monica's been swapping keys with the neighbors, getting up to who knows what kind of lewd behavior, I recounted the stresses of my evening.

[274] I went to go to bed at about 11 o 'clock, and then I started thinking about do I, know all the things I need to know.

[275] Do I know the speed limits?

[276] So then I didn't.

[277] And so I got up and checked, what is it in a residential zone?

[278] What is it on a freeway?

[279] So I learned those things.

[280] And then a friend texted me and said, do you know that you have to know how to manually sign which way you're going if your indicator stop working?

[281] Had no idea.

[282] So I found out those hand signals.

[283] So I've got those now.

[284] And then I just started worrying like I thought, God, what happened last time?

[285] And I thought it was a disaster, wasn't it?

[286] And I thought, is Monica, has she got this down, you know?

[287] Because we talked briefly yesterday.

[288] I thought, did she check the Prius last night, you know, before the day or she leave it to the first thing just before she goes to pick me up?

[289] And I thought, no, she wouldn't do that.

[290] She would have checked yesterday.

[291] I did this morning when I couldn't find the key.

[292] I thought, I've turned into my brother.

[293] This is how my brother used to get ready for school and stuff.

[294] And I couldn't believe it.

[295] I was like, just check the night before to make sure you have your stuff.

[296] I don't understand.

[297] and it's me now.

[298] Yeah, it's genetics.

[299] We're all a little bit, in the family, all a bit related.

[300] As we ramble on, a pedestrian appears, a great opportunity to test the brakes.

[301] Good breaks, aren't they?

[302] Whoa.

[303] They wake you up.

[304] I realize we're still quite far away from the DMV.

[305] I've taken some wrong turns, but thankfully it's allowed me to get used to this new car.

[306] Double checking, I have registration.

[307] expires 2023.

[308] That's right.

[309] Insurance.

[310] Mercedes, not Prius.

[311] Okay, we've fixed all our wrongs.

[312] The test is in 10 minutes.

[313] What could go wrong?

[314] All right.

[315] To Hollywood.

[316] To Hollywood.

[317] Do you know how to get there?

[318] No. Do you like how I'm drawing this out like a sort of a Marvel series of films?

[319] I feel.

[320] That's exactly what I was thinking.

[321] Marvel.

[322] It's really a lot of setup.

[323] This is part two, and we're back to set up again.

[324] I feel so stressed out.

[325] You were looking stressed.

[326] It's a thing when your audio is taken from like an active situation and then edited together.

[327] Yeah, and you're editing me into a monster.

[328] Yes.

[329] First of all, you've totally lied.

[330] I didn't.

[331] Okay.

[332] I want you clear anything up.

[333] Okay.

[334] You do give me dates.

[335] I said, how about this day?

[336] Then later, I said, oh shit.

[337] I might be out of town, but maybe I could come back or something.

[338] And then you said, well, I could always change it.

[339] And I said, okay, wait to change it, but maybe I might need you to.

[340] But then I didn't.

[341] It wasn't an issue.

[342] You didn't have to change it.

[343] Yeah, I was being a bit dramatic there.

[344] Yeah, a little bit dramatic.

[345] Yeah.

[346] Well, this is all part of your narrative to make me seem high maintenance, which now is a thing.

[347] I mean, what surprised me when I listened back, which I hadn't heard.

[348] at the time was how you were treating me like a big baby and just you're like good boy good boy like good job down down it was really incredible I love that and then yeah but as expected when I'm suddenly driving in this car I'd never driven you were just a bit more on edge which is natural maybe your love language is not words of affirmation maybe that's not how you hear love because that's what I was trying to do for you look and I appreciate it and again You were the only one that would take me out for my test.

[349] So I'm really, I'm really grateful.

[350] And eventually, we got back into it.

[351] We're not allowed to record inside the DMV.

[352] And so you can't hear the bit where a DMV staff member requested Monica's registration.

[353] And Monica pulled out the wrong one.

[354] My thought process, when she said to me, this registration has expired, was, fuck this.

[355] I'm getting someone else to do this with me next time.

[356] I understand.

[357] I understand.

[358] I understand that.

[359] But I tight little back now because it's all under control.

[360] I mean, what's upsetting is I pulled the wrong card, the wrong registration.

[361] I have the right registration, but I just grabbed...

[362] Just for fun?

[363] Like, I got so nervous.

[364] Both of us are feeling extra nervous because of last time.

[365] I think that's why.

[366] Like, we're primed.

[367] So when she said, do you have the thing, I didn't even think like, oh, yeah, I probably have it actually where it's supposed to be.

[368] You went direct to panic stations.

[369] Look, I don't quite understand what happened, but the problem's now sorted, and we're back sitting in the car ready to pull into the test line.

[370] My armpits and forehead are a bit sweaty.

[371] Now, I noticed something that you did with the one that you disposed of is that you just flung it in the back seat.

[372] You didn't put it in the bin or anything.

[373] You didn't throw it away per se.

[374] You just put it in your backseat area, and that's why your car, I think, is always just full of shit.

[375] I put it in this part.

[376] though, so it's a trash area.

[377] Because it has personal information on it, so I want to dispose of it properly.

[378] I don't want to just throw it in the general garbage.

[379] That's something you should know in America.

[380] People will steal your identity.

[381] Identity theft.

[382] My God, another flightless parade episode coming up.

[383] What is your anxiety level right now?

[384] You said you're sweating a little bit.

[385] I had sweaty armpits that I clocked before, which is a true sign that I'm stressed out.

[386] and I get clammy hands.

[387] I've got clammy hands still and I've got less sweaty amputs.

[388] So I'm about a seven out of ten.

[389] Okay.

[390] My mouth's gone a bit dry.

[391] Oh.

[392] I should have put out of water.

[393] I had to give a speech at school once when I was 14 and my mouth is so dry all you could hear at the mic because I...

[394] Why does your mouth go dry when you're scared?

[395] What good survival instinct is that?

[396] Oh, that's interesting.

[397] Maybe your body is just trying to retain water.

[398] Millions of years ago, my mouth would have been dry because I was in a cave, hiding from the sun or a saber -tooth tiger.

[399] Now it's dry because I'm waiting for my second attempt at the DMV.

[400] Now, I've been accused of not interviewing enough experts for this show.

[401] So to silence the critics, I've gone straight to the top, getting Steve Gordon on the line.

[402] Steve is the director of the state of California Department of Motor Vehicles.

[403] He's the big cheese, the top dog.

[404] He was brought in four years ago by the governor of L .A., Gavin Newsom, to sort out a DMV plagued by issues, issues like six -hour wait times.

[405] Who would you say is the Department of Motor Vehicles that's doing it the best in America?

[406] Do you have a call on that?

[407] Can you make it?

[408] You know, I don't know if I have good birds I view into every state and every jurisdiction.

[409] But I like to think we're in the top, for time, if we're not in the top of the top.

[410] But, you know, I've got some really great peers.

[411] They really understand the statutory framework.

[412] Each state is very different about what they do and what they don't do.

[413] In California, I have driver's licensing and vehicle registration.

[414] Some of my peers have just the drivers.

[415] Some of them have just the vehicles.

[416] But I'd like to think from talking with my peers, we're in that top 10%, if not even higher than that.

[417] He would say that.

[418] But you know what?

[419] I trust him.

[420] Since becoming boss, he's put a lot of the annoying standing online stuff at the DMV online.

[421] And wait times have plummeted.

[422] We took that from 28 minutes to a little under 10 minutes, and we're able to actually take that out into the field and essentially almost triple productivity by going from 28 to 10 minutes for Real ID transactions.

[423] And all of a sudden, the lines for those transactions went down dramatically.

[424] And now it runs routinely about eight minutes for a transaction, sometimes even hit in seven minutes.

[425] Although, I mean, look, when I'll set it done, if I look at all the things I've done at the DMV services, it's very rare that I need to go out to the office.

[426] as I mentioned before.

[427] You know, this little baby.

[428] You can't see this, but he's just pulled a phone out.

[429] That's everything.

[430] So I can renew my registration.

[431] I could buy a car.

[432] I can transfer a title.

[433] I could do it all on a mobile device.

[434] And even on our IVR, if you want to call us and go through those same steps.

[435] So there's really no reason to visit the office.

[436] But of course, for some things, you have to visit the office.

[437] Like me right now, panicking about whether I get a kind or a mean DMV examiner.

[438] I was having debates with my friend about whether the person taking you out for your license really wants you to get it is on your side or if there's this special where they're really putting you through the ringer and don't want you to get that license and pay again and come back.

[439] Yeah, I don't think there's any merit to, and this is a revenue ploy.

[440] Let's see how many people you can fail, so they'll have to pay again.

[441] First, taking your test again, you don't have to pay again.

[442] So it'd be silly for us to raise our expenses when keeping our revenue flat.

[443] No one in their right mind would do that.

[444] And I think people fairly want the driver in the test, You want the person to come prepared.

[445] I remember there was, listen to your podcast, and, you know, the horn wasn't working on the car.

[446] And it's funny, I went to our manual and said, you know, so what do we say about that?

[447] It's like, make sure your horn works, right?

[448] That was on us, definitely.

[449] Yeah, but that was great.

[450] I'm glad to watch the car because it does talk about having visibility through the windows.

[451] But I don't think that our license registration examiners are trying to get people to fail.

[452] I think they're trying to make sure that people follow the rules.

[453] They turn left, they turn right, they back up.

[454] They do the things you're supposed to do and they do them safely.

[455] and consistently with safe driving.

[456] Steve tells me that close to three quarters of Los Angeles drivers pass their driving test.

[457] Would I make it three quarters and one?

[458] Time to find out.

[459] Good luck, Sini.

[460] Thank you.

[461] The examiner has booted Monica out of her own car.

[462] I hand her my microphone as she departs.

[463] I feel naked without it.

[464] Like me, the instructor is confused by Monica's fancy car seats, so I help them fiddle with the buttons to get comfortable.

[465] And then I'm off.

[466] listening like a hawk to what I'm told to do, gently pulling out of the parking lot, I signal that I'm turning right, check both ways, it's all clear, and off I go.

[467] Monica waits.

[468] Okay, so that was really bad because he kind of almost hit a pedestrian and the guy saw.

[469] She's not talking about me. At least I don't think she is.

[470] It's funny listening back to her alone in the car park with a mic, commenting on the action she sees in front of her at the DMV parking lot.

[471] I'm scared.

[472] The guy seems mean.

[473] Fingers crossed for Sini.

[474] Oh, God.

[475] The car just made a bad sound.

[476] I'm walking away.

[477] I cannot watch this.

[478] Now serving L. 0, 4 .1 at window number 10.

[479] I've been waiting a while, and I have not seen David come out.

[480] Meanwhile, I'm out doing my test.

[481] I'm told to turn left.

[482] I'm told to turn right up ahead.

[483] Change lanes.

[484] The examiner commands me like her pet poodle, and I play along.

[485] I notice she's making a lot of notes on her pad.

[486] The whole time I'm expecting to be directed off these residential streets and onto the freeway.

[487] But after endless turns and lane changes, there is no freeway.

[488] or parallel parking in this test and we're back to the DMV it's over I think I see the car pulling in the tester's getting out of the car I see her oh my god this is so nerve wracking she's standing at his window they are talking for a long time which makes me pretty nervous he's still in the car Oh, my God, she's doing weird gesturing.

[489] Although she's nodding a lot, that seems good.

[490] It's hard to be a mom.

[491] Eventually, the examiner allows me to leave the car, and I walk over to Monica, who looks incredibly worried.

[492] What happened?

[493] What's your take?

[494] What do you believe happened?

[495] Tell me about your experience while you were waiting for me. Okay, I was really nervous at first because it took you a while to even come out.

[496] And so I got anxious about that And then I was a little word Because you almost hit that pedestrian Oh, so she was talking about me earlier Didn't even see a pedestrian Oops But then I saw you pull out I was like, okay, this is great Things are going great And then I was like, it's kind of long But I don't know how long it's supposed to be What happened?

[497] So I'll say that I passed Yay!

[498] Oh my God!

[499] Oh my God!

[500] I think my instructor was a good one.

[501] She was kind.

[502] She was a primary school teacher.

[503] But then the pandemic happened and she had to shift into taking people like me out to get their driving test.

[504] Oh my God.

[505] That's so sweet.

[506] But I do want to say that you can get a maximum of 15 things wrong and I got 14 things wrong.

[507] It's a path.

[508] I'm so proud of you.

[509] That was very scary.

[510] It's taken me over a year to do this.

[511] I put it off so many times.

[512] We had that huge failure last time and I have you to thank for that because you've been here every step of the way through the failures and the passes.

[513] I can't believe it.

[514] She was talking to you for so long.

[515] I'm so happy.

[516] Yay!

[517] It's another month until my license arrives.

[518] When it does, I tear the letter from the DMV open and proudly hold up my brand new license.

[519] Staring back at me is the most truly deranged photo they took at the DMV.

[520] I'm ruddy -faced, my face looks wonky, and my hair is poking out all over the place.

[521] I look almost exactly like Charles Manson.

[522] I'm so shocked by what I see, I get DMV boss Steve Gordon back on the line.

[523] Is there any effort in your vision for the future of the DMV to improve the cameras or have sort of ring lights available and get people looking a bit more glam, or is the licensed photo eternally in whatever country you're from just going to be this sort of reoccurring nightmare that we all live with?

[524] Well, I wouldn't go so far as say info.

[525] Surprisingly, my last driver's size photo turned out great.

[526] Oh, lucky for you.

[527] You have a nice face.

[528] That's good.

[529] Well, thank you for that.

[530] I know this is an issue with some folks.

[531] We would love to at some point.

[532] We're not there today.

[533] But with the U .S. passport, for example, you can take your own photo and you can submit your photos.

[534] So we're constantly trying to figure out, can we use a similar approach, but we're still a long way from that.

[535] But I like my photo.

[536] I'm sorry.

[537] years didn't turn out well.

[538] What he's telling me, I think, is that it's more my face's fault than the DMV's cameras.

[539] And fair enough, my face is definitely partially to blame.

[540] There was another strange thing I noticed on my license, something that would never happen back in New Zealand.

[541] Something I found fascinating about the California license, it lists my weight and my height on there, which is something that we don't have in New Zealand.

[542] I was curious about the reason for that.

[543] No, every jurisdiction is different.

[544] I mean, there are requirements for us.

[545] to be able to identify somebody.

[546] But I think those requirements are fairly broad.

[547] So it's a great question, in essence.

[548] You have a heightened weight, along with your photo, your hair color, your eye color.

[549] Those are all just factors that try to identify you.

[550] But I'm sure that the law was somewhat nonspecific.

[551] So people said about height and weight.

[552] And how they do it in Zealand, I can't speak to.

[553] And you probably know it's probably different across the U .S. It varies quite a bit.

[554] Licensing is a state thing.

[555] It's very local.

[556] Final question.

[557] Did you pass your driving test the first time You took it?

[558] That was a long time ago, and I passed both the written and the driving test.

[559] Yes, on the first time, on the day that I turned 16.

[560] Great out the door, straight into that car, the true American.

[561] Very American experience, yes.

[562] I thank Steve, and I let him go.

[563] I have to say, apart from my own incompetence, my experience at the American DMV was a good one.

[564] The nightmare six -hour wait times of yore were long gone.

[565] And as I glanced at my license, I realized it won't be.

[566] long before I'm back there again.

[567] My shiny new license expires in exactly one year.

[568] In a rare case of government departments talking to each other, the DMV must have been talking to immigration because my driver's license expires exactly the same time that my visa runs out.

[569] America, it's a country that's always playing hard to get.

[570] There's some stability here, but it has a time limit.

[571] But I'm determined, America, you're not going to get rid of me that easily one year back again do you want to come back for my i don't know i have to do probably just sign a bit of paper or something or maybe it's out on the road again part three yeah we're going to do it's prolong the series oh that was a ride it was a ride you know i want to confess something to you please when we got back in the car after the kind of registration almost issue that wasn't an issue no that was okay And you said, as you kept in this dock, I thought, fuck this.

[572] I'm bringing somebody else.

[573] Yeah.

[574] Fuck, Monica.

[575] Yeah.

[576] Done with this shit.

[577] I, that was upsetting.

[578] Oh, no. Oh, no. Monica, yeah.

[579] I know why that was your thought process.

[580] I understand it intellectually that this woman is incompetent and this is the second time she's let me down but it did hurt my feelings oh no it's so funny you say it and i'm sorry because i don't want to hurt your feelings and you're not incompetent i know you don't in a future episode i'm working on at the moment i revisit rosabel who i crack the egg on her head and i try and get some closure on that for her and for me oh i can't wait and it also created more of a issue in her life than i knew and what i've learned from what you've just said just now and and roswell sometimes you're your actions and words and consequences.

[581] I'm just revisiting a lot of the things I've said to people.

[582] Wow.

[583] And thinking, what impact did that have on them at the time?

[584] I want to let you off the hook a little.

[585] You weren't, it wasn't mean.

[586] It elicited something in you.

[587] It did.

[588] I think it made me feel I could just easily be discarded.

[589] Oh, no. Monica, you could never, I'd never discard you.

[590] Well, except next time you will, you'll bring somebody else.

[591] But you know what?

[592] Together, I've been putting this off for years now, and I finally have, I'll pass it over to you, I have my California driver's license, you check out that handsome mug.

[593] Wow, wow.

[594] Oh, wow.

[595] And look at that, and I've got it for a whole year, and I use it at a bar.

[596] You did?

[597] The other night, you had to get in.

[598] I'm going to bars now.

[599] Oh, no. 40 -year -old on the town.

[600] This is your demise.

[601] With your new wallet and condoms.

[602] My new wallet.

[603] I'm leasing a car.

[604] here now, which is another thing.

[605] You don't really lease in New Zealand, but I didn't want to buy, and you can sort of pay monthly, and you can have a car.

[606] And I'm loving, being able to drive around California, that's really good.

[607] What are you looking at there?

[608] I think it's cool.

[609] Is this your signature?

[610] Is this our signature down here?

[611] It should be, yeah, yeah.

[612] It's raised.

[613] Embossed.

[614] Oh, that's cool.

[615] Oh, that is cool.

[616] It's also my real ID now, which America is obviously rolling out so I can use this, you'll need it to get on planes and stuff to fly around.

[617] So I've got my real ID now.

[618] Yes, I have a real idea as well.

[619] Yeah, yours says limited term on it.

[620] Limited term.

[621] Yeah, so, but it was when I saw that actually, it was a reminder that as home as I feel here sometimes America is really hard to like keep a grip on it because I got a three year visa with you guys so I could work with you.

[622] Once that runs out, I've got to apply again to immigration, resubmit paperwork, and it's up to them ultimately.

[623] And also in the back of my mind the whole time, I'm very aware that I don't want to be caught up in any crime or anything.

[624] Not that I'm going to be doing crime, but I'm always aware I can't be caught doing anything else.

[625] I don't know, like walking down the street with a glass of wine or something and some cops like, open container.

[626] Like that where in New Zealand I might be like, ah, it's fine.

[627] Here I'm like, if I get anything like that, that all affects whether I get this again.

[628] Yeah.

[629] Which is crazy when you like ship back to New Zealand.

[630] So then why are you going to all these bars and acting reckless?

[631] I'm just going crazy.

[632] You're just like, so this is ID.

[633] Having an ID?

[634] Oh my God.

[635] I'm like McLevin.

[636] I'm out there buying booze and my friends.

[637] Have you gone on any leisurely drives?

[638] I've been to Joshua Tree.

[639] I drove out there.

[640] That was fun.

[641] I've been to the Rose Bowl, the pool.

[642] I'm swimming at the pool.

[643] I love swimming.

[644] Oh, great.

[645] So things in my life that I'd just been putting off, like going on a trip or swimming.

[646] I'm doing all these things now.

[647] Wow.

[648] I'm out and about.

[649] living my life.

[650] Oh my God.

[651] Did you drive here today?

[652] I drove here today.

[653] This is the first time.

[654] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[655] I had to get a code off Rob to get in and everything because usually I sort of just, I'm wandering around the streets.

[656] Oh, you're not allowed to park here.

[657] Oh.

[658] No, I'm parked up the street.

[659] Oh, yeah, I'm parked up the street.

[660] Imagine day one.

[661] Dax toes me. Exactly.

[662] Gone.

[663] Wait a minute.

[664] What color is your, what kind of car?

[665] It's white.

[666] It's a white car and I'm really excited.

[667] And you don't want to tell us what kind for some reason.

[668] I'm going to give them a street.

[669] It's an Audi.

[670] It's an Audi.

[671] It's an It is.

[672] It's a white Audi.

[673] I love it so much.

[674] That's why I doesn't want to say it, though.

[675] Because it's fancy.

[676] Yeah, now it sounds like a snob.

[677] I pay my monthly fee and I get a little car to drive in and I'm really excited.

[678] I'm really glad you did that because you didn't put any of this in, but you showed me a car you wanted to get.

[679] Yeah.

[680] The element.

[681] A boxy one?

[682] Yeah, I was very into the Honda element for a while.

[683] Once you see a Honda element, you won't unsee them.

[684] Well, that's Bader Meinhawf Frequency illusion.

[685] They are, oh, I've never heard that before, that's amazing.

[686] Yeah.

[687] Once you hear a thing, it's everywhere.

[688] Yeah.

[689] And if you type into YouTube, Honda Element ads, they're all targeted at horny bros. They're just dudes piling into a car and be like, bro, let's go see this band.

[690] Oh, wow.

[691] Apparently it was also marketed very heavily to drummers because they could, like, fit all that kit in this car.

[692] And the most amazing thing about it is that you can open it up and just, you can hose it down inside.

[693] It's all plastic.

[694] It's plastic?

[695] Like the inside is all plastic Like the boot So you can just get your hose in there And like clean out God knows what the mess is in there Oh my But yeah the Honda element I kind of fell in love with it But I ended up going with a little Audi And I just love it so much Oh I can't wait I want to see it I'll take you for a little drive And you know I know I got 14 Out of 15 things wrong I like live life on the edge Do you want to tell us what you got wrong A lot of it was to do with Monica's car That's what immediately he said Well, it was too long, so I didn't sense how long it was.

[696] So often I'd roll to a stop at a stop sign.

[697] The front of the car was so long it would protrude too far into the road.

[698] So it was clearly the car's fault.

[699] That's not the car.

[700] Thank you, Rob.

[701] And there were a few moments where I, when I was turning, I would cut over the middle line, which is a common problem that drivers have.

[702] You drive too tightly, and so you sort of cut across the other side of the road.

[703] I'm basically just wildly going out of my lanes.

[704] Yeah, no, no, no. That was a me problem.

[705] That was a me problem.

[706] But, you know, your car got me there.

[707] Yeah, and you did say that the woman who was administering the test was really nice.

[708] And she was laughing a lot.

[709] She was laughing a lot.

[710] Yeah, she was like laughing along with some of my driving.

[711] She was comfortable.

[712] She might have been marking it as incorrect, but she wasn't stressed out with my driving.

[713] She was like comfy.

[714] But I am going to frame the original one here, which says two words scrolls on it.

[715] It's dated 90922 Expired tags Horn not working And I'm going to frame it Because it's a real American memory And I have you to thank for that You know Life's journey is full of ups and downs Isn't it And that creates our story And the downs Monica Yeah the downs is when you You wanted to abandon me Well it was But you know And memories You know we got there And we fucking Much like a Marvel film We triumphed I am proud of you I'm not going to do the thing where you're a baby, because I hear now you don't like that.

[716] You don't like words of affirmation.

[717] But you did a great job.

[718] You were resilient.

[719] You did almost hit a pedestrian.

[720] That is real.

[721] That alarmed me. As it should.

[722] Probably allowed the instructor, too.

[723] You know why?

[724] And this really will get people in trouble.

[725] This is what happened.

[726] We were pulling up to the point where you're, supposed to get checked, and one person on the right was telling you to move up, and you were just looking at her, and someone was crossing.

[727] Yeah.

[728] And you weren't paying attention, because you were just so focused on what the lady was telling you.

[729] Yeah, because I was like, she's the instructor.

[730] I need to listen to this woman.

[731] Yes.

[732] And I just didn't look at my surroundings at all.

[733] Yeah, and then a pedestrian crossed, and another instructor was with them and screamed, you didn't see that he got angry and I did not like that situation yeah that was shitty I mean I should have been looking everywhere but I kind of felt like she set me out you know because I was really fixated I want to be in the right place and like you're telling me where to go now do you think you are you do a good job of taking responsibility for stuff you do wrong or a bad job it can go either way okay it depends a lot on the situation I think sometimes I can take responsibility sometimes i desperately don't want responsibility and i'll just put blame on anyone around me okay that's honest and i like doing that with your horn yes yes because that's sort of like a funny thing well that is my fault ultimately i did get it fixed oh congrats well how much was it for you before we did this test even though we couldn't even take it now ran out and now it's still dead how's your i think maybe just scrap it no i can it means too much keep in a little cube how is your boot doing is there any more ordered i know rob's witnessed your boot when we had our thanksgiving episode yeah uh still a real mess in there i cleaned it since thanksgiving however like i said i put a bunch of shit in there for your test i don't think i've looked at it since then okay so my guess is it's not doing great have a little look in there okay and just maybe say look it's your car your choice no i know my body my choice my hard body my hard body my choice.

[734] I would love to take you for a drive somewhere.

[735] We'll be rolling.

[736] We can pick up Rob.

[737] Oh, we're getting pizza on Friday.

[738] Why don't I pick you up and take both of you to pizza?

[739] Deal.

[740] Do we want that?

[741] I'm listening to my music, though.

[742] I'm okay.

[743] My driving.

[744] I'm nervous.

[745] I'm confident.

[746] Okay.

[747] I'm ready.

[748] If we don't make it, this will be a posthumous episode, and that will be eerie.

[749] Oh, I can maybe put some, like, sad.

[750] music in at the end.

[751] Oh, right, well.

[752] Okay, well, this was super fun.

[753] You're definitely, I mean, there's no question that if you have an American driver's license, you're more American.

[754] I'm on the road.

[755] You're on, oh, God, you're on the road.

[756] Hello, USA.

[757] You know what?

[758] You are going to be so, because even the fact that you drove here today makes you so American, because you used to walk everywhere, because I guess you kind of had to, but also it was part of your identity.

[759] And now you so quickly have shed that identity You're just driving around in your hot rod I am I'm driving around in my hot rod I will still walk because I love walking But you're right the second you have a car Those little tasks Suddenly you're driving Yep America America 100 % Thanks for helping me Monica You're welcome I appreciate you And I appreciate you helping me get my license I feel grateful to have been a part of it I've got it for a whole year Yeah.