Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is Stephen Wright, and I feel anxious about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[1] All is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[2] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[3] Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[4] I am the aforementioned Conan O 'Brien famed in song and story and I'm joined as always by Sonam of Sessian You could work on that And Matt Gourley What songs are you famous for being in?
[5] Just songs about me Oh here becomes He's the great Conan Look at him go He's the funniest guy In the whole wide world You know songs that are just sung In general In the popular American catalog You know It's funny you say Here comes Conan funniest guy My He's a funny I was just going to say My kids are obsessed with There's this soccer player named Lucas Podolsky Do you know who he is, Eduardo?
[6] He played a while ago.
[7] German, right?
[8] Yes.
[9] And there's this German song Where they sing it for him.
[10] Like, Lou, Lou, Lucas Podolsky.
[11] My boys are obsessed with that song.
[12] What station are they listening to?
[13] It's not on a station.
[14] Well, how do they know the song?
[15] It's like a fan -made song.
[16] Tack played it.
[17] for them.
[18] And now they're obsessed with it.
[19] They just come up and they're like loolulu.
[20] And so we have to play it for them all day.
[21] I've been playing my daughter the original Swedish pippy longstocking theme and she's obsessed with that.
[22] Are you seriously?
[23] I'm serious.
[24] Yeah.
[25] Yeah.
[26] I, when I was a kid, we found, we used to go stay at my grandfather's house down in Miss Quamacut, Rhode Island.
[27] And we went up in the attic once.
[28] It had one of those like, you know, ladders that you pull down.
[29] And it was this attic that, you know, stuff had been up.
[30] there since the 30s and 40s.
[31] It was very musty.
[32] And we found these old comedy records.
[33] And so we would listen to these old records.
[34] I remember one of them was, yay, boo, yay, boo, it's lots of fun to do.
[35] If you like it, holler, yay.
[36] And if you don't, you holler boo.
[37] And if you don't, you holler boo.
[38] That's a comedy record.
[39] Yeah, exactly.
[40] And it was just these kooky records that we would listen to.
[41] And this is, you know, like long before internet or anything like that.
[42] So what else are you going to do on a rainy day at the state beach?
[43] in Miss Quamacut, Rhode Island, except listen to yay, boo, yay, boo, it's lots of fun to do if you like a holly, and if you don't you holler, boo.
[44] So fast forward to years and years later, I'm hosting the late night show, and this is on the air.
[45] I'm doing the show and whatever.
[46] We're a couple of years in, everything's rolling along.
[47] We're just cranking out a show every night.
[48] And so you just start to get so loose.
[49] And at one point, I'm talking to the crowd, and I made some joke that had like a maybe wordplay or something in it.
[50] And the crowd playfully was like, boo, boo, and I went, yay, boo, yay, boo, it's lots of fun to do.
[51] If you like it, holla, yay.
[52] And if you don't, you holler boo.
[53] The whole crowd was like, what the fuck was that?
[54] My producer, Jeff Ross, Mike Sweeney, everyone's staring at me. And it just burbled out.
[55] And then I remembered this thing that I heard Johnny Carson said, he didn't say it to me, but he said it to somebody years ago.
[56] he said when you do a show every night for an hour everything in you eventually comes out if you do it long enough and it's right this record that I listened to in the rain on a rainy day you know in 1971 that's completely nonsensical out of nowhere the crowd boo well yay boo yeah boo yeah boo you know and it's just craziness you're gonna go really back and talk about your birth I know do you think that's scraping the bottom of the barrel or that's only like halfway down and there's still way more Man, there's so much.
[57] There's also records we listen to that now are completely just horrible in retrospect and politically incorrect.
[58] There's one called Slapper Down Again, Paw, which was, no, horrible.
[59] I mean, we didn't know anything.
[60] We didn't even know what this, what it was all about, but it was a comedy record about, uh, I think we could figure it out.
[61] You get the idea.
[62] And it was, 1947.
[63] Nineteen 47.
[64] And, you know, it was just, there are all these records in the attic and we would listen to one and you think.
[65] Just me even mentioning it might be triggering to people.
[66] I know.
[67] Well, the Prodigy came out with an album in 1998, 97, and one of the songs was Smack My Bitch Up.
[68] And I went to Coachella one year, and we were singing it and dancing it and dancing to it.
[69] But you just weren't thinking about it.
[70] We weren't thinking about the lyric, but that's what they say throughout the whole song.
[71] And it's a great song that that lyric is very problematic.
[72] Right, right.
[73] I'll stick with Yebu.
[74] I'll stick with Harcoma Pippi Longstrump.
[75] Wait, how does it go?
[76] How come a pippy Longstrumbs?
[77] Shula hae, shula ha, shula ha, song, song.
[78] What does it mean, though?
[79] Here comes Pippi Longstocking with a hope and a hay and a hope shana.
[80] Oh, so it does devolve into Babel.
[81] Basically, yeah.
[82] Okay, yeah.
[83] I've suspected that.
[84] Yeah.
[85] I knew that that part.
[86] And the song is just, in your song goes...
[87] It's in German.
[88] Yeah, I don't know any of it.
[89] But your children know it.
[90] We listen to it constantly, but like, I'm just like, I'm not going to learn this song.
[91] I don't know it.
[92] I just know Lulu, Lou, Luke.
[93] It sounds like such a Euro song.
[94] Did you see did you find it?
[95] Let's hear it.
[96] It's on YouTube.
[97] It's just the Lulu Lucas Podolsky song and you're two one and a half year old.
[98] Yeah.
[99] Well soon to be two year old twins.
[100] Yeah, that's right.
[101] Listen to this.
[102] They're obsessed with this.
[103] This is how they're learning about life.
[104] This is what this is what you're passing on.
[105] Yeah.
[106] And I don't know if yes.
[107] Oh my God.
[108] Oh my God.
[109] Triggering.
[110] And then it stops.
[111] Euro club.
[112] What?
[113] And it goes Goldy Poldy Hallelujah Oh, it's Glory Glory Hallelujah No, it's I think it's Lodi Poldy Hallelujah No, it's to the tune of Yeah, I know But it's Goldy Poldy Poldy hallelujah, yeah Hey, Dorado And then it gets very Euro Bring up Inger Nielsen's version of Harkum of Pippie Longstrom That was the meat of it You didn't even get to the Lululu part Matthew Trust me, we heard enough Wait a guess what?
[114] When I hear a lot of Germans chanting, I get nervous.
[115] Now, check this out.
[116] This is from the original Pippi Longstocking series sung by Pippi herself, Inger Nielsen.
[117] Oh, this isn't it.
[118] I'm sorry.
[119] It's the one that has a samba beat.
[120] Starts with some bongos.
[121] Inger Nilsson is the key there.
[122] I think I'm calling child services on both of you.
[123] I know.
[124] My kids listen to so many different languages.
[125] That's not it.
[126] That's not it either.
[127] I mean, he knows his Pippi Longstocking.
[128] I do.
[129] I love that you're like, no, that's not it.
[130] That's not it.
[131] No, that's the studio mix.
[132] This is the tune, but this is a remake.
[133] Fuck you, Eduardo.
[134] What's the going on?
[135] You were hired to be able to call up hippie longstocking songs.
[136] Here, I got it.
[137] Why is it a samba?
[138] It should be.
[139] Okay, now it's my turn.
[140] Find Yebu, yay, yay, boo, yay, boo.
[141] Who's the artist?
[142] Let me see.
[143] Little Nas.
[144] Well, because there's a few versions.
[145] Whoa.
[146] Let's go back.
[147] What do you think?
[148] Arthur Godfrey.
[149] Arthur Godfrey.
[150] Yeah, he's the one that also, I think, did the other...
[151] Yay, boo, yay, boo.
[152] It's lots of fun to do.
[153] If you like it, holler, yay.
[154] If you don't, you holler boo.
[155] Yep.
[156] I hear the public school burned down.
[157] Yay!
[158] What?
[159] But they saved old teacher brown.
[160] Oh, my God.
[161] Hold it.
[162] They're upset.
[163] They're upset that the teacher didn't burn to death.
[164] Where does this go?
[165] Why does he sound like that?
[166] Oh, I don't know.
[167] It was a different time.
[168] He's doing a funny voice for a funny record.
[169] This is back when, if you wanted to be funny, you needed to use a funny voice.
[170] How come Sirius XM isn't calling us for DJ sets?
[171] I have no idea.
[172] It'd be great.
[173] I should have a channel on Sirius XM that's all music you can't play anymore.
[174] From the attic.
[175] Yeah.
[176] Music from my grandfather's attic.
[177] People get slapped around.
[178] Yeah, that was...
[179] What happened to those records?
[180] I don't know.
[181] Boo.
[182] Save the environment.
[183] Boo.
[184] Have a cupcake.
[185] The wealthy get wealthier.
[186] Yay!
[187] Ruin the environment.
[188] Yay!
[189] Yeah, they had different priorities back then.
[190] Yeah.
[191] All right.
[192] Well, listen, I think we've plumbed the depths of our childhoods And I can't believe you're letting your kids hear those songs.
[193] Come on.
[194] Those are terrible songs.
[195] Mine's solid.
[196] Yeah, yours is awful.
[197] Yeah.
[198] A bunch of angry Germans.
[199] Here we go.
[200] It is a lot of angry.
[201] You'll all be whistling, pippy.
[202] We must move on to a man who's wiser than all of us, and he will show us the way.
[203] My guest today, very talented, stand -up comedian and writer.
[204] To say that is ridiculous, he's not very talented, he's brilliant, he's a genius, and he's been performing for over 40 years.
[205] He changed the game.
[206] He now has a fantastic new night.
[207] novel entitled Harold, available on May 16th.
[208] I'm not just excited.
[209] I'm thrilled he's here today.
[210] It's an honor.
[211] Stephen Wright, welcome.
[212] You have one of the most iconic voices in comedy, and I'm not even talking about your perspective, which is iconic, but just when you talking is such a delight to me. Every time I've had the chance to interview you, I think my heart beats maybe two, 200 beats a minute, and I think years beats during leap years, once.
[213] And I've always loved the contrast.
[214] When I get to talk to Stephen Wright, I'm, you know, a Tasmanian devil, and you are a moon rock that's seen it all.
[215] It's really beautiful.
[216] A moon rock that's seen it all.
[217] Yeah, yeah, you have.
[218] I'm lucky I sound like this, because obviously.
[219] I'm not doing this.
[220] This is how I sound and it's contributed to my whole career by complete accident.
[221] I mean, this is just accident.
[222] But I'm not, even though I sound like this and I appear to be so laid back, I'm not as laid back as you might think I am.
[223] I'm not like you.
[224] Like, like, you know, like on, you know.
[225] But my mind is going.
[226] I'm glad you didn't finish that part.
[227] Because that wasn't, that wasn't going to be.
[228] All the ends of that sentence is I said, no, no, no. On one of my first jobs, a writer named Steve Barker, who was from the Deep South, he looked at me one day and he used to drink like whiskey out of his desk and he just took a long sip of whiskey and he went, one day, O 'Brien, you're going to blow and you're going to leave a nasty stain.
[229] And I was like 22, but bouncing off the walls.
[230] But anyway, you said you're not as laid back as one might think you are.
[231] My mind is going faster than my being to the outside world.
[232] Like I exercise every day.
[233] I'm an exercise bike or a real bike.
[234] I can get off the bike, get a phone call and hello.
[235] Oh, did you just wake up?
[236] Right.
[237] And you were just working out.
[238] 40 minutes on the bike.
[239] Right.
[240] I can tell you, if me and you were made out of bamboo.
[241] Mm -hmm.
[242] Yeah, I think about this all the time.
[243] Okay, let's continue that.
[244] If you and I were made of bamboo bamboo poles Like 20 Each person had With 20 to make a person And they have to wrap them around To hold them together Yeah Yours are wrapped Tighter Yes In mine So mine are loose Yours rattle a bit When you shake them Yes And mine feels like one solid Yes I'm basically It's wrapped so tightly I'm like a steel pole You use your version To drill for oil Yes Yes.
[245] I've always seen you.
[246] Can't tell you, Stephen, if I've heard this.
[247] Can't just say, if I've heard this once, I've heard it a thousand times.
[248] I have so many people in my life that said, like, do you have a second when I'm in the street?
[249] If you and I were bamboo, you're wrapped so tightly that you'd use you to drill for oil.
[250] And I go, I know, I know.
[251] And Stephen, I finished their sentence.
[252] I go, I know, and you drill for oil.
[253] All the time.
[254] I'm going to embarrass you really quickly and then we can move on because you're not going to like this but I am hard -pressed to think of anybody who tickled my mind more when I was very young and just interested in, I mean, early 1980s, I'm 18, 19, and you explode on the scene.
[255] It was such a revelation to me that somebody could be so funny and so smart in such an original way.
[256] It was very inspiring to me and to, I mean, tens of thousands of people, not just from my generation, but generations going on.
[257] And I don't know if you're aware.
[258] I know you're a very humble guy, but I don't know if you're aware how much you changed things.
[259] I hear about that I've influenced people.
[260] I've seen younger people that I can tell influenced by me, but that's very nice of you to say that.
[261] Very nice.
[262] And I feel very lucky because I didn't, like, this is how I think.
[263] That's how I write.
[264] This is how I speak.
[265] And it just fell together.
[266] You know, there was no plan.
[267] Right.
[268] If I do it like this, like this, then I'll be this different guy.
[269] It was like, go to the open mic night and think, okay, I'm going to go back in two weeks.
[270] Watch the open mic.
[271] I'm going to go back in two weeks.
[272] I wrote stuff.
[273] I had never written anything.
[274] So I wrote it during the two weeks.
[275] And I came back.
[276] And then I was saying it.
[277] Like, I mean, a lot and a half of it didn't work, but the distinctness is completely, like by accident.
[278] It's like a fingerprint, like your brain has a finger, everyone's brain is a fingerprint.
[279] And I'm so lucky that the thoughts and the way I speak went together.
[280] And I'm also lucky that it clicked with the audience because I wouldn't have another way to do it.
[281] Right.
[282] But thank you, thank you very much for the compliment.
[283] Well, I've just.
[284] Another thing is when you're doing it, you're not thinking of a young kid watching it.
[285] You're just trying to make the audience.
[286] laugh.
[287] You're trying to do a good TV appearance.
[288] You're not thinking of 14 year old people.
[289] You're not thinking of that.
[290] No, of course not.
[291] I mean, if you are, there'd be something wrong with you.
[292] If every time you perform, you were thinking of a 14 year old boy, Stephen, that would be a real problem.
[293] Are there any boys out there watching?
[294] Hey, take it easy, Stephen.
[295] Any little boys watching?
[296] I'm going to be arrested.
[297] And I didn't even say it.
[298] I didn't even say it.
[299] No, you kind of did say it.
[300] And that hat you're wearing is real skeevy.
[301] Just saying.
[302] The hat goes with the whole thing.
[303] Does it say that?
[304] Does it say that?
[305] Okay, here's the thing I want to zoom in on.
[306] What I want to zoom in on, it's important to me, is that, yes, your brain is different, and you have this way of seeing things, and you come along at this certain time.
[307] The hard part is when you get up and you're in the clubs, there is a very powerful, powerful, powerful, powerful force that makes people want to conform because there's a way to be that's a little safer if you're in front of an audience.
[308] You clearly, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, are brave because this is the way you were going to do it.
[309] And I'm sure there were audiences that didn't know what the hell is going on initially, but you kept going.
[310] Well, I didn't think of it to not do it.
[311] I didn't even think, well, I'm not going to do that.
[312] It just came out like it happened.
[313] But I made up rules.
[314] I had these four rules that I wouldn't do.
[315] That was on purpose to not to stay like a little separated.
[316] Can you tell us the rules?
[317] No. Do you want to tell you my rules?
[318] I have ten of them.
[319] You have ten of them.
[320] Yeah, thou shalt not kill.
[321] Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
[322] And maybe you should think about my ten rules.
[323] Our rules are much more known than my.
[324] I love if your rules are just about comedy, but you're a sociopath about everything else.
[325] It's hilarious.
[326] What the fuck you're doing?
[327] I was going to say when you said thou shall not kill, I don't have that.
[328] You come in, your hands are all dirty, there's a, there's a shovel in the back of your car.
[329] Very strict rules about non -topical comedy.
[330] Very strict.
[331] Hey, what happened to that lady?
[332] Don't ask.
[333] Oh my God.
[334] So you, you know, what was interesting is that you're doing this.
[335] Can I tell you my rules?
[336] Yeah, but keep it quick, because I want to get back to me talking.
[337] Okay?
[338] This isn't about you.
[339] It's not about you.
[340] Oh my God.
[341] There's a clock running, Stephen.
[342] This isn't about you.
[343] No, what's not?
[344] Oh, I have to talk to Stephen, right, and find out what he thinks and his story.
[345] This is my chance to shine.
[346] I apologize for speaking.
[347] I wouldn't swear for two reasons, because how I was raised was, you know, wouldn't say that in front of people right you wouldn't say the other thing is i noticed if you swore the joke would get a bigger laugh than it really would without it yeah you know like oh then the horse fell down oh then the fucking horse fell down that second one gets big i didn't say this i just learned so i wanted it to be real on the get the laugh on just the thought of it and i didn't want to do topical things i didn't want to talk about with movie stars or something in the news or Something like that, because I wanted the joke to not be attached to time.
[348] Yes, yeah.
[349] So that I could do it for 20 years.
[350] That, I guess, yeah.
[351] You know, and what was the other one?
[352] That's two of them.
[353] There's four of them.
[354] I think that was three.
[355] No, wasn't it?
[356] No, swearing.
[357] It wasn't true.
[358] Not swearing.
[359] Attached to time.
[360] Don't list things.
[361] Oh, man. Oh, politics, yeah, TV shows, you know, pop, pop culture.
[362] Yes.
[363] So, and I did that on purpose.
[364] Yeah.
[365] Not really so I could do the joke forever, which I did the joke forever.
[366] But because that was, I looked at things, did, well, everyone is kind of saying this, so I'm not going to say that.
[367] Right.
[368] So a lot of it helped me what I didn't say.
[369] And in the beginning, there was a lot that were like more like.
[370] like regular comedy, like 70 % of it was the weird abstract.
[371] But then as I continued, even in the first eight months, that drift, that fell away.
[372] Then it was just remained was this.
[373] But it's a combination of like the writing was and is beautiful.
[374] Like it's beautiful writing.
[375] And I'm thinking of your famous joke.
[376] I want you to do it, but I went into a restaurant that said they served breakfast anytime.
[377] So I ordered French toast.
[378] during the Renaissance.
[379] It's just, I mean, I have this, always had this theory that a good joke actually has weight, like the way an element does.
[380] Like, it has a really classic line.
[381] You can almost feel the weight of it in the palm of your hand.
[382] It's fascinating, the details of it all.
[383] You know, not connected to time.
[384] But that French toast joke, that was one.
[385] of the only jokes I ever re ever adjusted because usually when I think of something then I think of the wording bang and then that's it it's never changed but that joke it wasn't first it wasn't the renaissance it was something else I don't remember it was another reference to time right but it wasn't the renaissance and then I thought well I'll change it to the renaissance and then you connect the French it connects more yeah so it's just like it's fascinating the details.
[386] I'm fascinated by how people do it.
[387] Do you sit with a legal pad, typewriter?
[388] What were you doing?
[389] I mean, and, you know, you think I'm making a joke with typewriter.
[390] I actually do write stuff on a typewriter because I like, yeah, I have some old typewriters and I just love the mechanism of it.
[391] And I love the kind of, I think I think a little harder when I'm working on a typewriter because it's being put on paper and it feels a little more formal.
[392] Oh, it's more of a physical combination of thing rather than that.
[393] computer.
[394] There's a little, there's an F physical effort.
[395] I would, in the first six months, I would get the newspaper out and look through it and see if something would click, like to write, find a joke.
[396] But then after like six or eight months, my mind became, because it's all based on what you notice, right?
[397] All the comedy is noticing.
[398] So my mind just became noticing.
[399] I didn't no longer look to the paper it was just like you go out and you just notice and uh one of my favorite jokes i ever did it was i looking through the paper and i saw electrolysis you know an ad for electrolysis and i thought what a word the sound of that word is interesting and what it means is interesting so then my mind later came up with the i lived in a building they allowed pets and i had a pony i had a shetland pony named Nikki, and he was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident.
[400] All the hair was removed except for the tail.
[401] Now I rent him out to Harry Krishna family picnics.
[402] And that was because I saw that one.
[403] Because I saw the ad.
[404] Yeah.
[405] But, you know, I drew a lot.
[406] Before growing elementary school, high school, drawing and painting, before I ever wrote anything.
[407] And when you draw something, you notice, realistically, I changed to abstract in my 20s.
[408] But before that, it was real.
[409] So you really notice stuff.
[410] Like, if you're going to draw this glass and this bottle, the shape of the glass and the shape of the bottle.
[411] But the shape in between it is also a shape.
[412] and that helps you get it accurate, you know, to make it look real.
[413] And I think that exercised my maybe, my noticing abilities, like, because it's just like all the comedies from noticing.
[414] You know, in the tower, in the airport, you know, the tower they have with the radar, the radar.
[415] So the radar sweeps like this.
[416] And then there's little dots of the planes.
[417] So my subconscious was scanning, was scanning.
[418] I'm not walking down the street.
[419] I need another joke.
[420] I need a new joke.
[421] I'm just walking down the street.
[422] But the scan is going like this.
[423] It's because his mind is in that state.
[424] He's looking and looking and looking.
[425] And it fascinates me. Especially when you get doing it enough where you're making a living, even if you're just barely paying the rent, you're making a living from the comedy.
[426] You know, $100 a week, that's $300 ,400 pays the rent.
[427] Even less than, you less.
[428] So you have time.
[429] You have time.
[430] You don't have to go somewhere and do this, this, this.
[431] So you're wandering around, you know, like a four -year -old.
[432] To me, the world is made up of like a giant mosaic painting.
[433] It's little tiny fragments that make up everything.
[434] I've noticed things where I combine.
[435] Oh, this could be connected.
[436] This thing that has nothing to do with this does have a common denominator maybe in the word or something.
[437] And then you combine, I'm not thinking.
[438] When I make it up, I'm not going, like, I'm not doing what I just said to you.
[439] No, no, no, it's happening.
[440] It's happening.
[441] It's like, oh, that could mean that.
[442] And it's a bang, right, bang.
[443] Yeah, it's really cracks me up that my dad's a scientist and he's said once that he's not a good one.
[444] I mean, he's a shitty scientist.
[445] We don't even think he has a degree.
[446] He just walks around with a microscope that he found.
[447] A microscope that he found.
[448] Yeah, and he tied it.
[449] He whir it around his neck like Mr. T with a medallion.
[450] And he said, I'm a scientist.
[451] And then he just hang out at the train station all day.
[452] That's a train station.
[453] Yeah, eat grilled cheese sandwiches.
[454] We were like, now he's a scientist.
[455] But he said, like, the job of your brain, the thing that's happened in evolution that's supposed to keep us alive is our brain making connections that make sense.
[456] Like, huh, I've got a fire here and I've got meat here.
[457] When I cook the meat, it actually tastes a little better.
[458] I'm going to start doing that.
[459] And I think there's something with the comedians I really admire like you, there's almost something a miswiring that wouldn't work in evolution, but we're connecting things that shouldn't be connected.
[460] And my dad once said to me, and I've said it before, but he looked at me once and he said, it's interesting because he's very honest and he's also very smart and he said you're making your living off of something that probably should be treated and i realize he's not wrong it's it's taking you know you can have breakfast any time or you know the electrolysis joke you're taking things and putting them together and they live on completely different synapses that aren't supposed to cross they're not supposed to be touching each other yes but something's either wrong right in a beautiful way and that's what happens.
[461] Somehow you see a connection.
[462] You know, I remember it was talked about a lot of the time, but you went on Johnny Carson in 1982.
[463] I believe it was your first spot.
[464] Very few comics get to go on.
[465] It's almost impossible.
[466] And if you do get on, it's a big deal.
[467] And you went on, if I'm remembering it correctly, Johnny was so impressed.
[468] You were so different and so smart that they invited you back very quickly.
[469] Is that true?
[470] Yes, I went on Friday and then next Thursday.
[471] Which hadn't, I mean, that didn't happen.
[472] It was insane.
[473] When they called me on Wednesday, Jim McCauley, he started talking about the show, and I thought he was referring to the one that happened.
[474] I didn't understand what he meant.
[475] He said, no, no, we want you to go on tomorrow.
[476] Did you have another set?
[477] I had another set, but I had like a total of 15 minutes of stuff that could go on there.
[478] And I remember saying to him, but if I go on there tomorrow, that's three years.
[479] Half the more than half the stuff is gone.
[480] And he simply said, well, you're going to have to write new stuff anyway.
[481] And to go on twice in one week is so amazing.
[482] It was unprecedented at the time.
[483] And seismic.
[484] And that was a time when if you went on that show, you were famous overnight.
[485] I mean, people recognized you the next day because that, was all anybody was doing at 1130 at night was watching johnny carson yeah because it was three channels and yeah cable was just starting right it's like going through the alison wonderland going through the door yeah there you know and peter la sally you know this you saw me in the dingho chinese restaurant in cambridge if he was the producer of the tonight show and then two weeks later i was on there i i had we were talking outside in the driveway do you remember when we were in the Yeah, it was about 15 minutes ago.
[486] I'm still capable of remembering things, but yes.
[487] There wasn't a judgment on you.
[488] It was just simply, I'm very accurate.
[489] I don't even know what I was saying.
[490] We were talking about, you were at the dingho.
[491] Oh, flukes, flukes.
[492] Different accidents.
[493] Accidents, little things that happen to change the course of your life.
[494] You contribute, contribute.
[495] You know, someone wrote an article about that Chinese restaurant and went in the LA Times.
[496] I don't know why.
[497] Then he saw it.
[498] Then eight months later he was going in the summer to go to Massachusetts and New York because his kids were going to go to college so they went on a college summer trip and he remembered the article so he calls up this a lot of flukes.
[499] I'm very fortunate.
[500] It's clear that impressionism or abstract, I'll use the word abstract.
[501] Abstraction is really important to you and there must have been a time in your life when you were a kid or something where you saw abstract art or you read abstract writing and it rang a giant bell in your head it wasn't the writing it was salvador dolly come by surrealism when i had a art class 11th grade in burlington mass we went into boston to one of the main museums and that's where i first saw surrealism i never even heard of surrealism and two of the paintings i remember there was a painting of a clothespin in the, in the middle of the field, and it was the size of a silo.
[502] But it didn't look cartoonish.
[503] It didn't look ridiculous.
[504] It was like, oh, my God.
[505] And then there was another painting of a road coming down like this, and then when it went down like that, it turned into a waterfall.
[506] And I mean, I was 16.
[507] I'm telling you these paintings.
[508] I was jolted by the combining of these two realities.
[509] And a lot of the writing we were just talking about, the mosaic.
[510] thing is like oh this thing you know this is not a close pin you know that jolted me more than what i read influencing but your head is like a soup everyone's head is a soup don't you think it's ingredients you know turd for honigate surrealism monty python the comedians all over the tonight show and you know listening to albums and it all goes into woody allen to me he's still the best He's the top guy, his writing, and all that goes into your head.
[511] I was a big Bruins fan during the Bobby Or did.
[512] You had to be, by the way, because I'm, I was growing up.
[513] I was in grade school then.
[514] I was in second, third grade, and all anybody talked about back then was Bobby O 'er.
[515] And, and Phil Esposito, and, you know, all, and everybody, because, you know, Bobby, Orr was the biggest thing.
[516] in the world.
[517] And in Boston, we just couldn't believe that we had this phenomenal, phenomenal player who was changing the game.
[518] Yeah, it was incredible.
[519] That time was incredible.
[520] And I would listen to the games in my bed, and I had a radio in the bed.
[521] And one night I was fooling with the dial, and I stumbled on this show where a guy played two comedy albums every Sunday night.
[522] So I started tuning in.
[523] He played cut from one, cut for the other, and I'm laying in bed in the dark, and I'm listening for like two years I'm doing this and I was I didn't know it but I was like going to uh school comedy school because I'd be thinking oh I like that guy oh I don't like that yeah but anyway it goes back to the soup don't you think all your head is like made up of all these different random and sometimes on purpose ingredients yeah I think that's that works I don't you know I prefer a stew a stew yeah it's a little hardier mine is a I think you're is a very light broth but mine you're criticizing me during my analogy saying that you all had yours is better I want to win I want to win I want to win I want to win it's a light you listen I'm not putting down a light broth I'm not putting down a light broth I never thought I heard you say that it's a consumet no your brain is a consummate and you taste it and you're like this is great I've been a little sick and this is really helping Now, I'm like, if you've been out in the woods felling trees, you don't want the Stephen Wright consummate.
[524] You're a between meal pallet cleanser, which, and again, no put down.
[525] No put down.
[526] But I'm in a big crock pot.
[527] Yes.
[528] And just huge chunks of really good sirloin and potato and just some Guinness in there that really thickens the broth.
[529] You keep going nine more minutes on that.
[530] Yeah.
[531] Do we have time?
[532] Steve, why don't you go get a sandwich?
[533] Go get a sandwich.
[534] I come back.
[535] So there's carrots.
[536] There's peas.
[537] There's some yam.
[538] There's a thick.
[539] There's all kinds of thickeners in the broth, you know?
[540] Oh, God, it's thick.
[541] It's a really thick broth.
[542] You put the wooden spoon in there and it stands up on its own.
[543] And what if you put a spoon in my world?
[544] Oh, if you put it in yours, it just immediately flips over and falls on the ground.
[545] And you have to put it in fast Because yours evaporates quickly The longer he goes The words Mine is nothing Yours diminished and mine keeps getting better Time goes on No I mean Critics around the world want to taste my And yours they'd taste it if it was If it would stick around long enough It's just a vapor Before they can get to it But no I agree with you I agree with you There's all this as long as we've established that mine's the better food richer more life -sustaining yes making you know that's the beauty of I mean imagine I feel very fortunate to have a career from making things up it's unbelievable yeah do you ever feel like that oh I feel that way 24 hours a day I mean I earlier in my life when I would think all of these strange things and I love to cartoon and draw.
[546] Oh, I didn't know that.
[547] I couldn't draw.
[548] That's fine.
[549] Answer your phone.
[550] No, I'm...
[551] Clearly, I'm a priority.
[552] You would think I was shutting it off, but I want to see what this...
[553] No, I shut it off.
[554] I love it if you took the call and it was a spam call.
[555] That's a fan call.
[556] I'm arguing with the guy.
[557] What's involved?
[558] Well, I don't know.
[559] I don't need blind.
[560] Hold on.
[561] Well, wait a minute.
[562] Tell me more.
[563] And I'm going on and on about the stew still.
[564] There's radishes.
[565] No, you're in it.
[566] You're sleeping.
[567] No, but what I'm saying is I'm constantly, anyone who's in this business and isn't realized that it is a complete crazy privilege to get to get any money or rent or mortgage payment in this world.
[568] I think, I mean, Sona, you have a really good perspective on it because you came at this from this crazy angle and, And now it's just, well, I got to go in and talk to Stephen Wright.
[569] I know.
[570] And it's, I can't believe it.
[571] Like, I would pay to do this.
[572] I can't believe I get paid.
[573] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, you should pay.
[574] Okay, I forget I said it.
[575] Yeah, no, no, no, $1 ,000 a day.
[576] Oh, come on.
[577] You know, I'm curious, like, I know, I'm very grateful.
[578] I also think there's something about maybe I'd feel differently if I had grown up in Los Angeles or grown up around this, but it's very very.
[579] very hard for me to explain to people how Massachusetts, and especially the era that we grew up in 60s, 70s, coming of age in that time, there was show business was further removed, not just Massachusetts, but Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, that area, the last thing in the world you ever thought could happen was that you could be in show business.
[580] I saw no evidence that show business existed.
[581] I didn't see famous people.
[582] I didn't know.
[583] I didn't know anybody who was related, you know, my dad's a fake scientist at the bus station.
[584] Like, you never thought that you would get any chance.
[585] And I think it's a different world now.
[586] People think about things differently.
[587] And Boston looks so different now.
[588] I mean, look at movies from the 60s and 70s that depict Boston.
[589] Look at the verdict, friends of Eddie Coil.
[590] Look at these movies that show Boston in the 7th.
[591] It's so gray and it's so unappealing.
[592] in so many ways and kind of depressed.
[593] And so real and kind of gritty.
[594] Yeah, no slickness at all.
[595] And then I remembered leaving, coming to L .A., getting involved in other stuff in my career, and then coming back to Boston in the late 80s.
[596] And suddenly there's like panquitians everywhere and people were saying, would you like a crape?
[597] And I was like, this is not the Boston I grew up in.
[598] You can go back and look at those movies.
[599] And I go like, that's the Boston, I remember.
[600] That's it.
[601] Cars that are rusted out.
[602] Everyone's wearing a gray jacket.
[603] Policemen are all really heavy.
[604] Their belts are like around their nipples and they're directing traffic, but I don't think they've ever shot a gun in their life.
[605] Nobody's, you know, people, people aren't that nice.
[606] It's cold.
[607] The snow all turns sooty right away.
[608] Right away.
[609] Somehow that all changed.
[610] It's like a whole different vibe.
[611] Yeah.
[612] And I think that realness that you just described.
[613] makes us appreciate what do you mean you're going to go do this show and that's how you're going to pay the rent what do you mean because all you see is people doing that's real like you know jobs that's why i appreciate it all the time it's like a it's playing don't you think this is playing oh it's it's totally playing it's like being five or ten and your finger painting but with words yeah oh imagine this oh imagine you know you're in the cast The cafeteria saying to your friend, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
[614] Right.
[615] And then this becomes your career.
[616] Now, what do you prefer, obviously, you're very comfortable on a stage, you're great on a stage.
[617] Do you like being up in front of people, or do you prefer the part where you're crafting it?
[618] It's two different things, writing the material and then performing the material.
[619] I, the performance is very intense to me, even still now.
[620] I mean, I'm not nervous, but it's like walking a tightrope.
[621] the way ice it's like you're running across a lake of thin ice and you're trying to get to the other side without falling through during the length of the show that's very intense I would say that the writing is more of a it's enjoyable it has no intensity you just mind in your own business and then something happens how do you feel about being in front of the audience I can't imagine on television night after night after night how it was so funny because there's one of the great comedy writers of all time george meyer worked at the simpsons when i was there and he's you know legendary uh brilliant guy and he had worked on the early letterman show and i was being considered as possibly being one of the people who might replace letterman and my name is starting to show up in the trades and you know my i'm working at the simpsons and my friends are like this is crazy this is insane and And when I know, I don't think it's going to happen, but it's crazy.
[622] And they're like, man, but you're a funny guy.
[623] This could be a funny show.
[624] I think you could do it.
[625] And they're all saying, no, no, I think you could do it.
[626] I remember George Meyer.
[627] I went out in the parking lot and George Meyer was walking with me. It's like, oh, man, I wouldn't do it if I were you.
[628] And I said, really, and this didn't come from anything, but he was just being honest.
[629] And he went, I worked on one of those shows.
[630] Every day, feed the dragon.
[631] feed the dragon every day and he was like don't do it it'll ruin your life and you know what he wasn't wrong but I'm also was the best thing I ever did and what I found was this magical thing I realized very early on doing an hour day I remember the worst thing about this job is that you have to do it every day for an hour the best thing about this job is that you get to do it every day for an hour because when you crank up the volume like that, over time, think, what the hell?
[632] What the fuck?
[633] Let's give it a shot.
[634] Masturbating bear?
[635] Let's give it a shot.
[636] You know, a dog puppet that insults people and says you suck.
[637] I want to poop on you.
[638] Let's try it.
[639] I don't know how you did it.
[640] I don't know how you did it over and over and over and over.
[641] Well, as I said to somebody once, they said, Jesus, you know, 4 ,300 -something shows, how did you do it?
[642] And I said, the trick is, some of them aren't very good.
[643] It's just kind of true.
[644] Like, yeah, you look at some and you go, oh, I see how we did it.
[645] That wasn't so good, but we always tried.
[646] But enough about me, a little about you, and then more about me. Okay.
[647] So usually when I hear, I'm going to talk to somebody and they've written a book.
[648] I get this feeling of apprehension, which is, I've got to read the book.
[649] They booked you, and I'm very excited.
[650] And then I hear Stephen wrote a novel.
[651] I'm immediately very intrigued.
[652] So I get sent this copy of Harold, which is this novel you wrote, and it's beautiful.
[653] It's really funny and touching.
[654] It's beautifully written.
[655] I think only you could write this.
[656] And I love it.
[657] I really do.
[658] And it was such a nice thing for me to read the book and then know I get to go and drive in and talk to tell Stephen, you got here a little early and I heard you were hanging out outside like a creep.
[659] But I was so excited.
[660] I had the book and I wanted to go down and tell you, I need to tell you how much I like your book.
[661] I really appreciate it.
[662] And it's funny because you mentioned Vonnegut.
[663] And I'm like I can feel like there's different strains.
[664] Like you say there's a soup, but there's, I can see like Joseph Heller and Vonnegut.
[665] There's a, but it's very sweet and also at times sad, and there's such funny stuff in here.
[666] And it's all from the mind of an eight -year -old, seven or eight.
[667] Seven.
[668] Yeah.
[669] I didn't read it that thoroughly.
[670] I just skim to get his age.
[671] I'm very good at it.
[672] I'm pretty, you know.
[673] That's the one thing I will read is the age.
[674] No, but I was...
[675] I think eight would have been the better choice, but that's my stew brain versus your consummate brain.
[676] I don't know my broth plane.
[677] But you know, first of all, one of the first things that struck me because I'm so obsessed with myself is I read this thing at the front by the editor of the book from Simon & Schuster, who's clearly a big deal editor, and he's talking about how he stumbled upon you doing a set on my show, an interview on my show.
[678] Oh, yes.
[679] And he talks about how, this is why it all comes together.
[680] He talks about how he's always been a fan of yours.
[681] And then he said, he says, here at the top of the book, starting to think about, you know, what could I do with Stephen Wright?
[682] And then he said, I had only started my job, I guess it's Simon & Schuster, and I was spending a lot of time searching the Internet, trying to come up with book ideas.
[683] I can't remember what weird YouTube algorithm led me to.
[684] it, but I came across a clip of Stephen Wright on Conan O 'Brien's late night show back in 2013 when he talked about writing a novel on Twitter, posting one sentence at a time.
[685] How long is the novel by now, Conan asked.
[686] Fifteen hundred pages, Wright said.
[687] Fifteen hundred pages, Conan said, and then you say, if there's one word on each page.
[688] And then I guess he thought, I got to check this out.
[689] So he went on Twitter and you really were doing that.
[690] And then he starts talking to you and you guys form a friendship, and you do this book.
[691] So I was just thrilled that...
[692] That's amazing.
[693] The connection.
[694] Yeah.
[695] It's tremendous.
[696] Yeah.
[697] You would also think there might be a little financial sharing in here.
[698] But we'll talk about that later.
[699] You'll hear...
[700] No, I love that.
[701] I love that he saw that clip.
[702] But I love the serendipity of you do this joke.
[703] This guy sees that.
[704] Then you start talking.
[705] Then this book comes along.
[706] And this book is really special because it's a boy, and he's growing up in, you say, the mid -60s.
[707] He's in a classroom, and he's daydreaming and thinking, you know, throughout the class.
[708] And his mind is taking him all around the universe.
[709] He talks about hanging out with his grandfather.
[710] And in there are great, I don't want to call them jokes, but really good, profound observations.
[711] And they're all very much the way a kid would think.
[712] And you have this idea about what if people were like, trees and that they just kept getting taller as they got older.
[713] And I'd be walking down the street as a seven -year -old boy and I'd see an 80 -year -old woman and she's 45 feet tall.
[714] And you have this conversation with her and I'm, it just tickled.
[715] And then there's so many sweet things that happen in it.
[716] And it's very, it's almost also has some sort of a James Joyce quality because it's all happening very constrained period of time.
[717] But also the time is infinite because if you're daydreaming, a billion things can happen in 45 minutes.
[718] Yeah, he's in the class and he's thinking, he's daydreaming, he's thinking about dreams he's had, he's thinking about experiences that he really, me, he's thinking of memories, and it all is in one day.
[719] And in the class, it's great that you like it so much.
[720] I love it.
[721] How much of it is you, or do you not want to say?
[722] A lot of it, a lot of it.
[723] I think you can't write anything, be completely, made up, you know, all my, see, the thing is, when I was writing it on Twitter, I wrote like half a page on there, then I stopped, and then I didn't write it for like a year, and then I thought, that thing, I should keep writing it and just keep going, but I didn't put it on Twitter, so I just kept going.
[724] And, you know, the jokes I do are like, creatively, it's like going through a narrow window, a couple sentences, two, three sentences, and hopefully the audience laughs, you know, da -na -da -da -da -da -da -da.
[725] Okay, and I'm not complaining, I'm just describing it.
[726] But I had a lot of things in my mind that wouldn't go through that window to just be a two -couple -liner joke.
[727] So I essentially used Harold's head.
[728] It's like I put a funnel on his head, and I poured into that funnel everything I think about being alive.
[729] You know, religion, war, and authority, and the universe, and is there a God?
[730] And, you know, that's all the way through there.
[731] That's repeated all the way through the book.
[732] Is God willing if there's a God, you know, I hope God, if there's a God.
[733] So you're constantly questioning that throughout.
[734] When I first started writing it, I realized there was no story.
[735] And then I thought, I can't keep this.
[736] There's no story.
[737] And then I thought, I don't know how.
[738] So I stopped for a year.
[739] I thought, I don't know how to write a story.
[740] I don't know how.
[741] And then I thought, a year later, I thought, so what?
[742] I want to just write it anyway.
[743] So it's not like this happened and then this happened and then he did and then because of that.
[744] So I just accepted that I didn't know how to write a story.
[745] So I just, that's just went.
[746] The other thing I love is Harold's voice, very much like your voice, but I'm imagining you as a kid.
[747] But there's a great thing where his teacher is prominent because she's running the class the whole time.
[748] Harold is thinking all these incredible things and having these journeys in his mind.
[749] And at one point, she, he remembers the time that she came up and looked at what he was drawing, what Harold was drawing, and said, that's really beautifully done.
[750] You did a really good job here, Harold.
[751] And he said, how dare you judge me?
[752] Because even flattery is a judgment.
[753] It's a judgment.
[754] And it's just packed with those things.
[755] So I hope you write more.
[756] But if all you wrote was this, that is plenty.
[757] because it is fantastic.
[758] It's really good.
[759] Thank you so much.
[760] And you're such a great, inspirational and fascinating person to talk to and laugh with that I hope you come back.
[761] I love to.
[762] You're one of those people who needs to come back.
[763] I would love it.
[764] And I'll have more, we can have more competing analogies.
[765] More soup analogies.
[766] Well, we can maybe change it to.
[767] No, I would love it.
[768] Our brains are like, you know, crackers.
[769] And yours is a dry Dutch cracker that's got a high seed cap.
[770] count.
[771] It's very good for your your bowels.
[772] But I'm like this rich, savory, buttery cracker.
[773] I noticed that all yours are always Oh, they're good.
[774] Better than life.
[775] Oh, yeah.
[776] I see a pattern.
[777] Yeah, there's a pattern here.
[778] Yeah.
[779] I think you are one of the fastest incredible comedy minds ever.
[780] That's what I would say to people.
[781] What is it like going on there?
[782] I said, you know what?
[783] I say something I think, hope it's funny.
[784] But if it's not, it doesn't matter, you're like a laser.
[785] It's incredible.
[786] Coming from you, that's huge.
[787] So I get to feel good about myself for an hour.
[788] No, coming, there's no higher praise I could get than a compliment from you.
[789] So seriously, we all owe you.
[790] I mean we all, but you changed everything for so many of us.
[791] Lucky that you came along.
[792] We really are.
[793] You say it's a quirk, it's an accident, but you also, and I do think, I give it up for quirks and accidents, but there's also integrity and hard work and being a good person, and those things aren't quirks.
[794] So that makes it all wonderful.
[795] So thank you.
[796] Thank you very much.
[797] Let's never speak again.
[798] All right.
[799] All right.
[800] Thank you very much.
[801] Stephen Wright.
[802] Thanks for having me. I just had a fascinating experience.
[803] I was on a work trip, and I was in a country I'd never been to before, Thailand.
[804] I was in Bangkok and doing some work there.
[805] More on that later, but it was fascinating.
[806] And I sent you a little message, Mr. Gourley.
[807] I know you're a bond fan.
[808] And at one point I'm at the floating market in Bangkok, where you can get a get on a boat and go from market to market and buy your wares, your souvenirs, and then go on to the next market.
[809] It's this really a famous venue.
[810] I had forgotten this, but someone that might have been Aaron Blair was with me because we always traveled together as lovers.
[811] And so I don't have to pay you also.
[812] That's also right.
[813] It's just a relationship.
[814] So I'll have a relationship with people just so I don't have to pay them.
[815] No money exchange hands, but a lot of other stuff exchanged.
[816] You do pay him.
[817] Yes, she'll be like, I love her.
[818] Oh, oh.
[819] No one's going to voluntarily lay with this old bag of bones.
[820] So anyway, this took a, I don't know.
[821] Why did you do that?
[822] No, why did I do it?
[823] He's the one that said, yes.
[824] Wait a minute.
[825] So here's the point, which is Blay mentioned, oh, this would make goarly jealous.
[826] And before you even said anything else, I was elated.
[827] Because I didn't know what Blay was talking about, but I was immediately happy that there was a way that you could be unhappy.
[828] And he said, this is where they shot the Bond, a famous sequence in the James Bond film, Man with the Golden Gun.
[829] And then I remembered, oh, right, Roger Moore is driving through the market and he's being chased.
[830] And I immediately remembered that.
[831] So I made a video.
[832] It must have been like three in there or four in the morning here in Los Angeles.
[833] It was midday Bangkok.
[834] And I sent it to you.
[835] and I hope you took that video in the spirit in which it was meant.
[836] Well, first let me clear something up.
[837] I'm not really a James Bond fan.
[838] Oh.
[839] Oh.
[840] James Bond.
[841] Oh, my God.
[842] You're wearing a shirt that says James Bond will return.
[843] And second of all.
[844] Did you know we were talking about this today?
[845] Wait a minute.
[846] Wait a minute.
[847] You didn't know we were talking about this today?
[848] You have a lot of James Bond clothes.
[849] Wait a minute.
[850] You're just wearing a James Bond shirt underneath your sweatshirt.
[851] shirt and you happen to be wearing that when we brought this up.
[852] That's true.
[853] That's sick.
[854] You're a sick person.
[855] You're a sick person.
[856] Do you feel better or worse about doing this now?
[857] I just feel like you need a pity.
[858] You shouldn't have a family.
[859] Oh my God.
[860] I just think your family should be, I think social services should come by and take both your child and your wife away, which they rarely do.
[861] They usually just take the child, but at this point I think they should take both away.
[862] All right, so you're, I didn't, wow, that blows my mind that That's right.
[863] You didn't know what I was going to talk about.
[864] I'm not even going to justify it.
[865] Never mind.
[866] So I sent you a video.
[867] And how did you feel when you got the video?
[868] Well.
[869] Do you want to listen to it?
[870] Yeah, let's play it here.
[871] I have it.
[872] Hey, Matt.
[873] Conan here.
[874] I am here at the floating market in Bangkok.
[875] This is where they shot that iconic scenes in Man with the Golden Gun.
[876] And I know that this is on your bucket list.
[877] I just wanted you to know I got here first.
[878] Sack!
[879] Now, the biggest issue I was.
[880] I take it.
[881] A psych!
[882] Do you understand the meaning of the word psych?
[883] So were you or were you not there?
[884] Oh, you mean like it?
[885] You blew it.
[886] I blew it.
[887] So you mean psych should have meant I fooled you.
[888] I'm not really there.
[889] Yeah, you're at like Venice, California.
[890] Well, guess what?
[891] No, it does still make sense because I don't think I was at the exact location.
[892] I think the exact location was about 100 yards away.
[893] This is a very infamous scene in Bond history because Roger Moore is.
[894] in a little boat chasing a little Thai boy comes up to sell him something and he face palms him and shoves him in the water.
[895] What an asshole.
[896] I know.
[897] And this is Roger Moore.
[898] Who's typically the kind of friendly bond.
[899] Right.
[900] He's the bond that used hairspray.
[901] And a lot of it.
[902] A lot of it.
[903] Yeah.
[904] Yeah.
[905] So yes, that's, I remember that scene, him shoving a little boy into the water.
[906] Yeah.
[907] But yeah, I just wanted you to know that I got there first.
[908] You know what's worse?
[909] I've been to Thailand and I didn't even get to see that.
[910] Really?
[911] Yeah.
[912] Did you know that?
[913] Yeah, I just was tired.
[914] It was hot.
[915] How tired do you have to be to not go to a bond locale?
[916] You know what?
[917] The only thing that beats me is heat.
[918] If it's hot out and like humid, I don't want to go do it.
[919] It was record -setting heat when I was there.
[920] And I could tell because the Thai people, I'd be walking down the street and the Thai people were walking up to me going, Jesus, it's hot.
[921] This is freaking hot.
[922] And I said, like, so you're, I'm a native.
[923] Yes.
[924] I've lived here my entire life.
[925] Good God!
[926] And, yeah.
[927] Did you go to the Peepee Island?
[928] No. I know that sounds like a setup to a joke, but it's that's...
[929] Well, a setup for a joke you would do, but...
[930] How about poopie flats?
[931] Nope, didn't go there either.
[932] Okay.
[933] That's where the beautiful, like, islands stick out of the water, and that's from the end of that movie.
[934] Where the villain's layer is.
[935] I did not go down to the islands.
[936] No, did not go there.
[937] Shot almost exclusively in and around Bangkok, which is fascinating.
[938] It's a fascinating place, loved it.
[939] Food was extraordinary.
[940] People are lovely.
[941] And we shot some stuff there that I think people are going to really like, happy about that.
[942] But I mostly, I've been battling, I think I got back two days ago.
[943] I had no problem with the flight from L .A. flew from L .A. to Hong Kong and then to Thailand.
[944] No jet lag.
[945] Nothing.
[946] Just got right to work.
[947] Landed in the morning, got right to work.
[948] And we were there for about nine days.
[949] Then came back Hong Kong to L .A. And my heart hasn't functioned properly.
[950] I have just been, my body's completely screwed up, completely screwed up.
[951] And my mind doesn't work.
[952] And I think I'm capable of any crime right now.
[953] I think that's because when you get to Thailand, you're like, oh, it's time to shoot.
[954] And then it's like your adrenaline.
[955] Because you've seen me in action.
[956] I've seen you.
[957] It's not like you're going to be like, I need a nap first.
[958] You're like, let's get the camera.
[959] Let's go.
[960] But when you come back here, you don't shoot anything.
[961] There's just a wife and a son.
[962] Oh.
[963] And they're like, what's this all about?
[964] Who should have their family taken away from them?
[965] They've called social services.
[966] They're constantly calling social services.
[967] I don't think it has anything to do with the time change or the flight.
[968] I think it has to do the camera pointed at your face.
[969] It is true.
[970] I was doing all this stuff that I can only do when a camera's pointed at me. I was doing all these stunts and things that, and people were saying, hey, you're kind of old.
[971] You shouldn't be like, I'm fine.
[972] Roll that camera.
[973] We just shot him in the chest and he seems fine.
[974] Shoot me again.
[975] So we get it from the other angle.
[976] Set me up to use the word psych.
[977] Yeah.
[978] Teach me how to use that word.
[979] I will say we did and we put a picture out on social media of view kickboxing.
[980] And it's moit Thai.
[981] Moy Thai kickboxing.
[982] And I should mention that although it was covered, it was completely outside.
[983] Yes.
[984] And every day we would look at the temperature and it would say 94.
[985] feels like a hundred and eight.
[986] I'm not exaggerating.
[987] That's what it said.
[988] And so this day, that's wet.
[989] Because of the humidity, it's 108.
[990] And it's a wet.
[991] And we did a shoot and I was just trying to get out of the way and was out of breath and sweating through my clothes.
[992] You were literally jumping and kicking.
[993] Yeah.
[994] It was insane.
[995] Yeah.
[996] And I'm fueled by a terrible hole in the middle of my soul that just powers me on.
[997] I know.
[998] But, no, I did.
[999] That was really fun.
[1000] We did all this stuff that I really enjoyed.
[1001] But it was, I mean, a highlight was getting to a bond site before you.
[1002] And now I'm determined to go and visit all the bond sites I can without you.
[1003] It's on.
[1004] It's a race.
[1005] No, no, no. You got a lot to catch up on.
[1006] I've been to a lot of them.
[1007] First of all, I'm going to hire a cinematographer to study those scenes and prove to you that you weren't in the exact right place.
[1008] I'm going to spend a great deal of money.
[1009] and then I am going to go to all the exact correct places and I'll get the permission of the Roger Moore estate to examine all the documents necessary.
[1010] Remember he died on my birthday?
[1011] No, I don't remember that.
[1012] I remember.
[1013] I don't, I, you leave my mind the minute I leave his studio.
[1014] I don't doubt that.
[1015] I don't doubt that.
[1016] Remember he died on my birthday.
[1017] Well, I only say that not because I expect you to remember that, but because when I said that before, you hit me so hard, you really hit me over the head with that fact.
[1018] Yeah.
[1019] So I thought maybe it did make an impression.
[1020] No. Okay.
[1021] Great.
[1022] No. I think the way for him to be nice to you is if you just came with a handheld camera.
[1023] Matt, I think if you donated, if you were proven to be an exact perfect match for my bone marrow and you save my life by going through an excruciating procedure, I would quickly forget about it.
[1024] Oh, I would also never do that.
[1025] No, no, no. You understand.
[1026] I would hire people to hold you down and we would extract the bone marrow using simple gardening tools.
[1027] I would then...
[1028] There's nothing you can do about it.
[1029] Drink a lot of Drano that would then Osmosis into my bone marrow.
[1030] Drano, as bad as it is for your body, really does enhance bone marrow production.
[1031] Really?
[1032] Yeah.
[1033] Oh, okay.
[1034] You've got me there, you evil genius.
[1035] I say petting a cat.
[1036] All right, well, if you want to see a bond site, right in, right in.
[1037] Right in.
[1038] And Gorley will tell you if he's been there or not.
[1039] Sike.
[1040] Sike.
[1041] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[1042] with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam O 'Sessian, and Matt Goorley.
[1043] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.
[1044] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1045] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1046] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1047] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1048] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1049] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[1050] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
[1051] talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Conn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1052] Got a question for Conan?
[1053] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
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