Rivers Cuomo

[0] Hi, my name is Rivers Cuomo, and I feel excited about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] All is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[2] Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, joined as always by my steady, compatriots, Sonom Ossetian, my assistant who does little or nothing for me, and Matt Gorley, you do a great job, Matt, by the way.

[3] I hate to draw a wedge between the two of you, but...

[4] Yes, you love that.

[5] Yeah, thank you, and I won't accept that until you compliment my friend Sonam Obsessian.

[6] Sona, you're very good at being famous for doing nothing.

[7] You've written a book about it, accept it.

[8] And he's not wrong.

[9] Yeah.

[10] But it just...

[11] You're the Picasso of screwing around.

[12] I am very good at it.

[13] I've been good at it.

[14] my whole life.

[15] But I think when you start off like that and then go to Matt and say, oh, you're great.

[16] Oh, he just nails it.

[17] Okay.

[18] Nails it.

[19] I'm the Picasso of nailing it.

[20] Exactly.

[21] You know, it was fun.

[22] We just, before we were recording, there's guitars in the studio today.

[23] And so I picked up an acoustic and started screwing around with it.

[24] And then you picked up an acoustic, Matt, and started playing.

[25] And it was, kind of fun, and we never do that.

[26] We never play together.

[27] And I started joking around that it would be amusing to me if suddenly the format of this show changed to you and I playing kind of mediocre to okay acoustic duos together.

[28] And Sona just quietly listening.

[29] Yeah, no musical.

[30] We'd still book great guests and they would come and they'd be out in the hallway, but we wouldn't ever bring them in and you and I just doing this stuff and then of course our overlord Adam Sacks would keep coming to us and saying the numbers are really the downloads are just tanking and we're like hey man we're just making some great music together and we're just really enjoying the vibes that's you talking that's me talking after a couple of hits a helium changed some helium and a mixture of helium and sweet, sweet, merry chain.

[31] But you and I just noodling and then you'd be like, oh yeah, here's one from, you know, Amy, what you're going to do?

[32] And we're just playing.

[33] I think if I could be with you for a while, maybe I'll hunger, if I do.

[34] And we were doing that kind of stuff and people were really getting turned off by it, but you and I were having a good time.

[35] How long would this last before...

[36] A day?

[37] Well, Adam, jump in here.

[38] A day.

[39] Adam, I want your actual opinion of when, how quickly would we be shut down as a podcast?

[40] Be honest.

[41] I think the first few episodes, the numbers would probably be okay.

[42] Just because it's a joke.

[43] They wouldn't really understand.

[44] And then by episode four or five, people would start to say, oh, I guess this is what the show is now.

[45] I'm not interested anymore.

[46] Yeah.

[47] Thank you.

[48] That was generous.

[49] Episode four or five.

[50] And also that they're just like, I'm not interested anymore.

[51] rather than fuck this shit.

[52] Violently angry.

[53] Also, keep in mind, I'd insist that we still book, because we get amazing guests.

[54] And we'd still, people would say like, you know, you know, whatever, who, who.

[55] Tom Hanks.

[56] Yeah, Tom Hanks is here and he's out, he's outside because we booked him and he's ready to talk and he's got some funny stories he wants to share.

[57] I guess technically we could still put Tom Hanks' name on the episode.

[58] Yes, right.

[59] Oh, no, no, exactly.

[60] I'll still say like our guest today is Tom Hanks.

[61] He's out there.

[62] We'll get to him in a second.

[63] Hey me, what's the matter of you?

[64] What was your son?

[65] Hey me, what you gonna do?

[66] I think that I could be with you.

[67] I gotta get out of this band.

[68] I would love it if there was a musician, a really well -known musician who wants to join you guys.

[69] Oh, and we don't let it in.

[70] Right.

[71] Oh, we don't let him in.

[72] No, so James Taylor, James Taylor is in the hallway.

[73] He's been booked and he hears Matt and I playing.

[74] And he's like, oh, well, you know, they're, as for amateurs, they're okay.

[75] I'd love to go in and help them.

[76] No, we're good, buddy.

[77] We got it.

[78] Don't you run along, Mr. Fire and Rain.

[79] Thanks a lot, sweet baby James.

[80] We got it covered.

[81] Let's you skittaddle.

[82] We got this going.

[83] Hey, it's Carly Simon single.

[84] Yeah.

[85] But I just loved it.

[86] And then Adam occasionally like, I think Tom Hanks is about to leave.

[87] We're like, let him go.

[88] We don't need him.

[89] The hill you're going to die on.

[90] And then I'm, yeah, and then I'm just like, man, why don't you just start us out and see?

[91] And I'll do some fingerpicking.

[92] And then it'll be kind of a blues progression.

[93] And you're like, yeah, Tom just got in his car and he's leaving.

[94] He looked pissed.

[95] And you never see Tom Hanks pissed, but he's pissed.

[96] Yeah.

[97] And then you're like, well, I mean, you know.

[98] And this is, these are original songs.

[99] They're not even songs people know.

[100] They'd have to be because we couldn't clear the music.

[101] Oh, yeah.

[102] These aren't original songs.

[103] These are highly original.

[104] The Amy one, I've never, that's a, is that a song I know?

[105] I was sort of riffing off of the famous song, Amy, by, Amy, what you want to do.

[106] I think I can be with you for a while, maybe longer if I do.

[107] That's quite a well -known.

[108] Is that famous?

[109] I don't know that song.

[110] Yeah, I know that song.

[111] That's a quite famous song.

[112] I'm sorry.

[113] I mean, the tell you.

[114] Play just for a second.

[115] I know we can't clear it.

[116] AMY?

[117] Don't anger me. There's a couple days to spell it.

[118] Pay me what you want to do.

[119] I can't believe no one knows this song.

[120] I do.

[121] I'm shocked.

[122] Matt doesn't know.

[123] I don't know it.

[124] Maybe I'll know it when I hear the real version.

[125] Yeah.

[126] I mean, look, I'm not.

[127] Did I think it's by the, is it by the Pure Prairie?

[128] Yes, Pure Prairie League.

[129] Oh, right.

[130] It's AMI.

[131] It's AMI.

[132] Yeah, it's spelled AMIE.

[133] Oh!

[134] Yeah, exactly.

[135] And what did you say?

[136] Wow.

[137] Right, and I said, don't anger me. Because obviously, it's AMIE, Eduardo.

[138] Oh, no. So guess what?

[139] Chalk up another one for Conan.

[140] Never wrong, O 'Brien.

[141] God, Eduardo.

[142] Wow.

[143] When you said AMY, I was like, ah, yeah, Ah, Eduardo.

[144] Am Y. God, that never wrong.

[145] Yeah, I'm with Conan because if it was spelled that way, the song would go, Aim, why, what you're going to do.

[146] So just think about it.

[147] Just think about it.

[148] I do know this song.

[149] Now I do.

[150] Now I know it.

[151] Now we can't play any of what we're hearing right now.

[152] Probably not.

[153] We'll have to talk to a moment about it.

[154] This is the kind of music would be playing that.

[155] Yeah, for sure.

[156] It's like skiffle folk.

[157] Yeah.

[158] I want to get you to the chorus That's spelled on C -H -O -R -U -S That's K Chorus, K -O -R -U -S Got it asshole God, no one can spell around here Here we go And I name a diddle -d -de -l -D -L -E Never heard this song You've never heard the song?

[159] I've never heard this song in my whole life I'm not so sure I'm not so sure I have to This I know Okay, okay Okay, okay, it's listen Listen, Pure Prairie League, that's the kind of music that you and I are going to play.

[160] It's real hip.

[161] Real hip.

[162] 1972.

[163] New music.

[164] Okay, yeah, I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not.

[165] I'm being very sarcastic.

[166] I still can't tell.

[167] It's not even, it's not even 70s music.

[168] Everyone's heard.

[169] No, no. My point is, that's the kind of music that Gory and I would really dig down into.

[170] We'd make our own versions of it.

[171] You know.

[172] Oh, Cynthia.

[173] You always were my gal.

[174] Oh, Cynthia, I think of you as my pal, it's my pal, as my pal, as my, how, when will you lay me down in bed?

[175] Well, is that someone who's infirm?

[176] Yeah.

[177] That's someone who, uh -huh.

[178] Would you please carry me to the toilet?

[179] Would you please lay me on the bowl?

[180] My legs are numb and I'm in kind.

[181] And I'm afraid.

[182] That kind of song?

[183] Shitting out my guts is my goal.

[184] Yeah, there you go.

[185] See, you and I are the Lennon and McCartney of awful something.

[186] Nope.

[187] A terrible thing.

[188] But I think you mean Vladimir Lennon.

[189] Yes.

[190] And Linda McCartney.

[191] I will always defend Linda McCartney.

[192] I love that woman.

[193] So, very cool.

[194] What I'm saying is that's the kind of music.

[195] It'll be all originals.

[196] And we would do that.

[197] It's bad.

[198] Big Guess.

[199] And they would leave.

[200] Now, Adam, how soon before the big guest stopped showing up when word gets around town that Hanks showed up, it was turned away because we were playing our shitty music, you know, James Taylor was turned away from joining us.

[201] They showed up to promote something and to talk and they didn't get on the air.

[202] How soon would?

[203] Would the word get out?

[204] Instantly.

[205] In the podcast community.

[206] And you think that would be a negative for us in terms of booking future people.

[207] It would.

[208] We'd have to talk to Paula and Gina and the other bookers, but I think it would happen very quickly.

[209] Well, hear me out.

[210] What about a live show where we announced the guest and the guest shows up, but Conan and I just play on stage and the guest never comes on stage and they can leave whenever they want to leave.

[211] But once they go in that room, technically they were there for the show.

[212] Yeah, their name is going on.

[213] Yeah, the name's on the marquee and the name's going on the title of the podcast.

[214] I think what Adam is saying, and I don't disagree.

[215] My guess is once we continuously evict top talent from our show without letting him speak, word would get out.

[216] We'll never know until we do a year of this.

[217] No. Wait, what am I doing?

[218] Am I just sitting there?

[219] You're sitting and you would contractually have to nod like, man. Contractually have to, you would make me pretend to enjoy it.

[220] You contractually have to nod and sort of be like, and occasionally you'd have to say, man, you guys are in a good group.

[221] No, hard pass.

[222] A raise if you say it.

[223] No, honestly, there's not enough money in the world.

[224] $175 every time you say you guys are in a really good group cash.

[225] God, you guys are in a really good group.

[226] Yes.

[227] Oh, Eduardo, yes.

[228] You're a sellout.

[229] And guess what?

[230] You just lost a sweet gig to Eduardo.

[231] And Eduardo knows how this game is played.

[232] And that's 175 comes out of your paycheck.

[233] Praise or pay.

[234] Yes, right.

[235] Praise or pay.

[236] Praise or pay.

[237] Which is our next song.

[238] Let's go into it.

[239] You've got to praise or pay.

[240] Yeah, I love this.

[241] Look, I don't think we're going to do this because I love the format we have.

[242] Yeah.

[243] But I do have a sickness, which is I always think of, I think we've talked about this, what's the worst thing I could do?

[244] Yeah.

[245] And that's close.

[246] This one's up there.

[247] This is really up there.

[248] We have a nice thing going here with this podcast.

[249] This would tank it really quickly.

[250] Yeah, it would.

[251] It would be bad.

[252] I won't do that.

[253] And I especially don't want to thank our podcast today because we have an amazing guest.

[254] My guest today is a singer -songwriter, lead guitarist and vocalist of the Grammy award -winning rock band Weezer.

[255] Good God, I love Weezer.

[256] This year, the band has taken on a very ambitious new project called Seasons, releasing one album on the first day of each season.

[257] Autumn has recently dropped.

[258] It's out there now.

[259] And the final album of the series, Seasons, Winter, will be released on December 21st.

[260] It's a very cool idea.

[261] I'm thrilled.

[262] He's with us today.

[263] Rivers Cuomo, welcome.

[264] You have a very special place.

[265] in my heart because way back in the beginning of my life on television, you guys came on the show.

[266] I think it might have been your first television appearance.

[267] It was Weezer's first appearance.

[268] In 1994, probably.

[269] 1994.

[270] At the time, we were doing anything we could to try and tell people what we were trying to be about, not just in comedy, but in music too.

[271] And you guys came on, did the sweater song, and I just watched it this morning.

[272] And you guys are amazing.

[273] I'm horrified by my appearance I'm just so young and so green and when you guys finish I mean it's amazing your performance is absolutely amazing I walk over and shake all of your hands and it looks like your lawyer has come in I'm just like so I just wasn't myself yet on TV but I was such a fan and your performance was so true to the song itself I mean, you start with this sort of party talk and muttering.

[274] And I think to a TV audience at the time, they were probably thinking, what is this?

[275] But it was so great.

[276] And I just watched it now.

[277] And it just makes me so happy that after all these years, you guys are still thriving.

[278] I've made it into podcasts, which is very hard to do.

[279] Very hard to go from television to podcasting.

[280] It's nice.

[281] I love it any time in my life when the circle gets completed.

[282] So thanks so much for being here.

[283] Yeah, yeah, it's very cool.

[284] It's cool.

[285] And there's some continuity in this crazy entertainment business.

[286] And you see the same faces again.

[287] Yeah.

[288] I really appreciate it.

[289] Well, I refuse to go away.

[290] That's basically...

[291] Same here.

[292] That's my showbiz motto.

[293] I have to say, I was trying to think today, Weezer, what is it about your music, Rivers, that gets to me?

[294] And I will say it is incredibly unique.

[295] Like, it is, there's no one else.

[296] I just keep listening to the riffs.

[297] I keep listening to the construction of the song.

[298] And it just never sounds like anybody else.

[299] And I mean that in the most complimentary way.

[300] It's just I always know it's you when the song starts.

[301] And it's just fantastic.

[302] And I don't know.

[303] So I guess part of where I wanted to start was figuring out where that comes from your approach to music.

[304] I'm actually thinking of the sweater song now as you just mention it, but I remember the moment I came up with that riff.

[305] I was about 20, 21 years old, and I had been exposed to cool music finally after moving to L .A. from Connecticut, got a job of Tower Records and started listening to Sonic Youth and Pixies and Velvet Underground.

[306] And I was like, okay, I'm going to try to write a Velvet Underground song.

[307] And I sat down and came up with the sweater song riff.

[308] And I was like, yes, this is so cool.

[309] A couple years went by, we got signed, put out a record.

[310] It blew up, very happy.

[311] 1995, we ended up playing this big festival in New York City.

[312] And Lars Ulrich was there from Metallica.

[313] And I saw him backstage.

[314] And the truth was, I was a huge metal head in high school.

[315] And that's really how I learned how to play my instrument.

[316] and it suddenly occurred in me like the sweater song, that riff, it's actually very similar to Metallica's sanitarium.

[317] And if you play him next to each other, they're pretty much identical.

[318] Sweater song's in a major key.

[319] So I had to tell him that right then and there.

[320] That's what I told him when I met.

[321] And how did Loris take it?

[322] He's totally cool.

[323] We just ran into him.

[324] Again, yeah, he's just very, very cool.

[325] And because recently we covered Enter Sandman.

[326] And it's been in our set recently.

[327] And we ended up playing with him this summer.

[328] And we were so close to playing Inter Sandman right before they went on.

[329] And we asked him like, hey, it's it cool if we play it?

[330] And he said, yeah, that would mean we don't have to play it.

[331] So did you play it?

[332] No, we didn't.

[333] We chickened out.

[334] Oh, man. That would have been amazing.

[335] What would have?

[336] What would the crowd have done?

[337] I guess they mean That's the question Yes That is the question Well, Metallica would have to play the sweater song Yeah, I know Yeah I'd pay to see that too I it reminds me of I know a comedian Who's also a musician Is really a brilliant guy named Andy Breckman Who's written for Saturday Night Live And a million of things And he famously opened For Don McLean Once at a festival And what he did Oh, no. He played American Pie and did the whole thing.

[338] And Don McLean was not happy.

[339] That just kills me. That just kills me. But, yeah, I mean, Metallica could handle it because they've got a million songs, you know.

[340] Not so, Don McLean.

[341] Sorry, Don.

[342] Well, he's got the Van Gogh song.

[343] He's listening.

[344] Oh, trust me. Avid fan.

[345] Avid fan.

[346] Did you start, you know, because you talk about, I know you grow up on the East Coast, you're in New York City, and then you're in like Rochester and you're in Connecticut.

[347] Is it the guitar where it all starts for you?

[348] Where does it start?

[349] Yeah, in recent years, I've really gotten into piano.

[350] I just love it, especially Beethoven.

[351] I played Beethoven every night on my Discord server.

[352] Just like 20 people show up, but I just played through the sonatas over and over.

[353] It just makes me feel incredible.

[354] it doesn't matter what happened during the day I just feel great.

[355] And what is it about Beethoven?

[356] I love that I'm acting like this Beethoven guy, but specifically what is it about his music that's getting you right now?

[357] I've always loved it since I was a teenager but now I can semi -play it, so that's, yeah, it's just I don't know, he's like, it's just how my brain works.

[358] He just gets my attention and he keeps it and takes me to all these different places and it's such an emotional ride put on Mozart and I space out after five seconds.

[359] I can't get into it.

[360] Right.

[361] So, you mentioned that it's now, it's about piano for you.

[362] Are you teaching yourself?

[363] Do you have a tutor?

[364] No, I don't really.

[365] I'm not, I just play Beethoven, really.

[366] I'm not learning how to play.

[367] And then I jam, too.

[368] I know, but you're angering me because that's enraging me. How talented you are.

[369] I'm sorry.

[370] It's just making me mad.

[371] I started in earnest about, Six years ago.

[372] So every night I would just start playing.

[373] And, you know, at that time, it would take me a week to get through one sonata.

[374] And now it's like two days.

[375] I mean, sorry, two evenings of some two hours to get through a sonata.

[376] I'm kind of blown away by that.

[377] My relationship, I love playing music.

[378] I love hacking around on guitar.

[379] But it has never been intuitive for me. I don't have that, which is, and I've always really envied people that have.

[380] that ability to figure it out, hear something, and then it goes through their brain and then they can make it happen with their hands.

[381] I need to actually, I need to figure out what is that shape and I need to memorize it.

[382] And that's how it works for me. And that's why that is not my profession.

[383] But I'm really amazed like, I'm trying to think of you as a kid and you're listening to classical music, but you're also, I'm sure, listening to heavy metal.

[384] Heavy metal.

[385] And at what point do you say, I need to get my own guitar?

[386] Is that pretty early on?

[387] Yeah, last day of eighth grade, there was a performance by some other eighth grade or eighth grade boys.

[388] They went up and did metal health by Quiet Riot in front of the whole school.

[389] And these were kids I knew and there were just regular kids and yet they were playing these instruments and it just sounded incredible.

[390] It was just magic.

[391] I was like, I should be able to do this and I got a guitar and started a cover band, did a bunch of metal songs and then moved out to L .A. with my metal band and we thought we were going to make it like that but didn't pan out.

[392] Yeah, so whatever happened to you?

[393] You never made it in music and then what happens?

[394] That's how it sounded for a second, sorry.

[395] Getting the job at Tower really helped me. Yeah.

[396] I got exposed to all different kinds of music, not just the latest cool music, but also going back to the 60s and hearing the Beach Boys and the Beatles and then talking to other employees there.

[397] Some of them have been, you know, they were kind of lifers at Tower Records and they're just so knowledgeable.

[398] What year is this now?

[399] This is like early 90s?

[400] Yeah, 90 -91.

[401] Yeah.

[402] And I met the Weezer guys through my coworkers there.

[403] And we formed the band.

[404] And the band is named, it's a, it's a nickname that you had as a kid?

[405] Yeah, that's what my dad called me when I was very young.

[406] I don't know, well, no, I asked him, why'd you call me Weezer?

[407] And he said it was after the kid in The Little Rascals or was a character named Weezer.

[408] Oh, yeah.

[409] Was there a Weaver?

[410] There was like a Froggy for a while, and he probably grew too old, and they put in Weezer or something like that.

[411] They always needed a weird -sounding kid or something.

[412] So I said, why him?

[413] And he said, because he's the cool one.

[414] Oh, that's cool.

[415] Same reason I had a band called You Little Shit.

[416] Thank you, Dad.

[417] We didn't really go anywhere.

[418] He's also my favorite little rascal.

[419] Yeah.

[420] It always makes sense to me when people have kind of disparate references.

[421] So classical's in there.

[422] there's also heavy metal and then Beach Boys and some people think well you know does that make sense or is that contradictory and I just love there's always a great melodic quality to your music that I really like and no matter how hard it gets that those melodic changes are still there I think that's one of the hardest things to do so the Beach Boys reference makes absolute sense to me. Yeah I should also say that all through school I was in choir chorus and barbershop quartet and magical singers musical theater that kind of stuff so i was singing very melodic music from a young age you guys put together that first weezer album it's a huge success that's the time that i encounter you do you remember that now was like a really happy time some people have a hard time digesting that kind of success you know it was it's a huge it was a huge deal yeah i don't I don't know if that was particular to our generation, but it seemed like a whole lot of bands tried their best to make it.

[423] And when they finally made it, they became very miserable and felt like this was the last thing they wanted.

[424] I don't know if that still happens to young artists, but it seemed like it happened to a lot of ours.

[425] Did it happen to you guys?

[426] Yeah.

[427] After a year on tour, I was like, screw this.

[428] And I went back to college.

[429] That's right.

[430] And with the thing that you hated about it was touring, repetition, being on a bus, you know, that kind of stuff?

[431] Yeah, it was just, it was utterly mind -numbing and boring and just singing the same songs over and over and there's tons of travel, packing, unpacking.

[432] And none of it was interesting.

[433] And I just craved some kind of intellectual stimulation, so it went back to school.

[434] you and I are at the same college different times but you went to you so you applied to Harvard when you're already a rock star is that correct?

[435] Yeah we were on tour with a hit out a monster hit album and you decide and this is what a lot of rock stars do they have a monster hit and they say you know what I think it's time to apply to an Ivy League school yeah we were we were playing Boston so I just went up to the campus and got an application and filled it out and I couldn't believe it, but they accepted me. Yeah, I think there are a lot of people right now going, wait, what?

[436] I went in, it's like you applied for a job at CVS.

[437] So you get accepted and suddenly you're at Harvard.

[438] Don't people know, oh shit, that guy over there who's in my X10 class and who I just saw getting Veal Parmesan on at the Adams House dining room, that he's a rock star.

[439] Did they know?

[440] Not until the last day of school because, well, most of our fans at that time were like 10 years old, literally.

[441] We connected to a very young group of kids and it wasn't really like a college audience.

[442] Right.

[443] Also, it's kind of hard to remember, but at that time there was no sense of like me as the frontman or like famous or anything.

[444] It was more, people knew the name Weezer, and they knew a couple songs, but that was about it.

[445] And I grew a very long beard and long hair, and I was undergoing this procedure on my leg.

[446] So I was walking with a cane.

[447] I just look as like some really weird, super old, weird guy.

[448] Why is he in this class?

[449] I don't know.

[450] I'd be riding the bus with other students that were wearing Weezer shirts that didn't even, you know, they had no idea it was me. I just love that.

[451] Wow.

[452] You'd be on a bus at Harvard as a student and people are wearing Weezer shirts and they don't know that you have any connection to that band.

[453] Yeah, so on the last day of school, after the full year in my music class, I remember having a conversation with some other kids.

[454] And one of them said, so what are you doing for the summer?

[455] I was like, we're going on tour with no doubt.

[456] Oh, cool.

[457] Are you working on a tour or something?

[458] And no, no, I'm in Weezer and that, you know, minds were blown at that moment.

[459] That's right.

[460] And they're like, so you're a roadie for Weezer?

[461] No, you're the accountant.

[462] No. You mentioned your leg.

[463] I want to bring this up quickly because I actually know someone who went through the same procedure.

[464] You were born one leg shorter than the other, is that right?

[465] Yeah.

[466] When I was born, they were even.

[467] But as I got taller, my right leg just couldn't keep up for some reason.

[468] And yeah, by the time I was full grown, it was almost two inches shorter than the left leg.

[469] Wow.

[470] Wow.

[471] So, yeah, there's a procedure.

[472] I think they still do it, called the Elyzerov procedure.

[473] They still do it.

[474] And I know good friends of ours, their child went through it.

[475] And it's, when you hear about it, it almost sounds medieval.

[476] Yeah.

[477] This procedure, but it works.

[478] Yeah.

[479] You want to describe it?

[480] It's pretty basic.

[481] In my case, it was my femur.

[482] So they cut your femur in half, and then they screw this cage around your leg and into your bone.

[483] And then every day you turn four screws on this cage, and it kind of separates either end of it a millimeter.

[484] So over the course of a couple months, it's separated two inches.

[485] And as it's doing that, the bone grows.

[486] kind of growing in the middle.

[487] Oh, my God.

[488] Wow.

[489] But it must be, I mean, is that incredibly painful to turn those screws?

[490] Yeah, it was pretty painful.

[491] Yeah, I mean, I'm, I know I asked a really stupid question, and I'll own that, but, and I'll admit that I knew the answer, but I, I wanted you.

[492] I just, I cannot believe.

[493] And as I said, I know someone who went through this and it was very successful, but I really felt for this young woman and I felt for the parents because I just thought I can't imagine turning those screws every day.

[494] Yeah, I feel sad when I think about a little kid doing it.

[495] And I saw kids at the hospital doing it same time as me. And it's, yeah, you feel bad for them because they didn't, you know, I signed up for it.

[496] I wanted to do it.

[497] I was excited.

[498] But it worked.

[499] It was successful.

[500] Well, it didn't work.

[501] Well, that's the thing, is it works a lot better for kids.

[502] Their bones just grow.

[503] And even for me, at 25 already, the bone just wasn't filling in.

[504] So I had to screw it back together again.

[505] And then start over and start stretching it.

[506] And it still didn't grow.

[507] So they ended up, after a year of that, they took some bone out of my hip, grounded up, and stuck it into the space between the two halves of my femur.

[508] And then that finally took.

[509] Oh, my God.

[510] I'm sorry.

[511] I just took my breath away.

[512] That is, I mean, I'm sorry you went through that.

[513] But my God, it just, you know.

[514] Do you want to ask him again if it was painful?

[515] Well, okay.

[516] I actually do.

[517] So, you take a little aspirin?

[518] What do you do?

[519] No. I took a wonderful, opiate called Demerol and I had no experience with those kind of pills until that point and I really came to love it I'm hoping you still don't love it I try my best to avoid those kind of painkillers if at all possible because they're so good I do have to say and I've been on record as saying this before the few times in my life when I've required at a professional level major league pain killer or opiate I've been the happiest I've ever been in my life and that's a terrible thing to and no one should do them like I understood I understood where Keith Richards and everyone was coming from but no terrible and the other silver lining is the way it affected my voice so on our second record I actually wanted to do the vocals when I was in the middle of this procedure and man this is something in my voice just I can hear what I've gone through and the physical suffering it comes out in this very beautiful sad tone in my voice and there's just I don't think there's any other way to get that you know it's such a cliche the hunger artist that great art has to come you know there has to be pain and everyone has their own version of that but you know and clearly I don't wish pain on anybody, but something does come from this.

[520] I would think, do you agree with that?

[521] That you get something?

[522] I mean, other than just a longer leg, that this is somehow influential in your creative process, or no?

[523] Yeah.

[524] I think it did.

[525] I mean, it depends on how you feel about that album because it, I mean, it was a big flop when it came out.

[526] Still, a lot of people don't like it.

[527] You don't hear it on the radio.

[528] but for other people it's their favorite Weezer album and there's something really special on it.

[529] I love it and there's, I know at the time it was not considered, it was not a commercial success and critics didn't like it.

[530] I think it's been re -evaluated since then.

[531] Yeah, I'm a little skeptical because I feel like the only people who bother to go back and reevaluate an album from 1996 are the people who kind of already love it.

[532] I'd like to ask the people who gave it such bad reviews when it originally came out, hey, what do you think of it now?

[533] It's hard to, I mean, who knows what they're doing now?

[534] Like, yeah, well, that's, they may not still be reviewing music.

[535] I mean, that's the other thing I learned early on is with criticism is they didn't like what I was doing in 93 and 94 and there were a lot of people who didn't.

[536] And I understand where they were coming from.

[537] I just decided to keep going.

[538] And if I ran into them today, I would like to think.

[539] I'd have a pleasant conversation with them because I don't want to have that.

[540] Hey, man, why didn't you like that?

[541] Are you thinking of someone specific?

[542] There's too many, actually.

[543] Okay.

[544] There's too many people.

[545] That's weird because as somebody who was just watching your show back then, it would never have occurred to me. There's people that don't like you.

[546] That's sweet.

[547] It's so funny because I just think of throwing it back to you, Weezer, You bet you guys have endured for so long and done such good work.

[548] And there's so much great stuff there that you have a conversation with anybody.

[549] I don't see, you know, nobody knows or really cares how your second album was received.

[550] Do you know what I mean?

[551] Which is the way, which is really nice.

[552] They're looking at the whole.

[553] They're looking at the body of work.

[554] Yeah.

[555] So I know you went through that period and that was rough.

[556] But you decided you guys kept going and then just you've been killing it ever since.

[557] I mean, that's, I think longevity, longevity is almost impossible in music.

[558] You know, it's hard in comedy, but I think it's almost impossible in music, especially popular music.

[559] So that's got to feel amazing.

[560] It's been a long time.

[561] Yeah.

[562] I don't know.

[563] I don't know what else to compare it to.

[564] This is the only life I've lived as far as I know, so it seems pretty normal.

[565] But yeah, there's not a lot of the same band.

[566] that we started with are still going.

[567] What do you think has helped because a band dynamic is so impossibly it can be so corrosive and bands usually just end up splintering, falling apart into a million pieces.

[568] What is it, do you think, has helped you guys stick it out?

[569] Well, first of all, we really need each other, but we're way more successful together than any of us would be separately.

[570] And so we're kind of stuck.

[571] We're stuck together.

[572] And then just getting older and getting married to other people, women, not us, not each other.

[573] So you didn't all marry each other.

[574] I'm sorry.

[575] I read this article.

[576] My research.

[577] Who's doing the fucking research here?

[578] Just here and then in 1998, the band all married each other.

[579] This unconventional right was sanctioned by the, okay, well, anyway.

[580] that would not have worked I want you to think about it what do you think it is about you guys all getting married which some people might think that would pull you apart actually helped you sustain because you learn how to communicate with you know in your in your marriage you have to and likely yeah your partner can teach you so much about communicating and then in my case so I've been in couples therapy for many years and just learning how to communicate.

[581] And then I bring that back to the band.

[582] And now, like, things that caused so much problem when we're in our early 20s in the band, and in some cases cause ruptures and, like, all that stuff would have been avoidable with better communication that we have now.

[583] That's, I have found that as time has gone on, I look at myself in my 20s and 30s, and I was so driven.

[584] And so, ambitious and kind of, I don't want to, I mean, puritanical about this is comedy and sacred and it must be this way and it's the only way it can be.

[585] And then I attributed a lot of my mellowing to, I've become more sophisticated and I've, you know, I've become, you know, my marriage of 20 years has really helped me and my children.

[586] And I do, you know, I've come up with all these ways in which I've become wiser.

[587] And then my wife's mom, my mother -in -law, who's very, very smart and a therapist she said well your testosterone level fell I went what and she went testosterone levels with men they drop and yours is you know fallen precipitously which is why you're so feminine now and easy to get along with and I was like oh okay just thanks a lot I was wearing a wonderful dress at the time beautiful but yeah there is something about.

[588] I love romanticize, or it's easy to romanticize, especially when you're younger, that kind of Neil Young.

[589] It's better to, you know, burnout than fade away and, you know, die young and leave a good -looking corpse.

[590] And as you get old, you're like, fuck that.

[591] I want to be here and keep changing and evolving.

[592] And I'm fascinated by the whole thing.

[593] And I'd like to keep creating and see what I can do.

[594] And if people prefer the earlier stuff or they don't like what I'm doing now I'm going to keep trying.

[595] I'm thinking of Beethoven again.

[596] Some of this amazing stuff came out at the very end of his life.

[597] And yeah, that could happen for any of us.

[598] Is he deaf at that point?

[599] Oh, yeah, totally deaf.

[600] How is that?

[601] So as a musician, how does that work?

[602] I've never quite understood how he could work so well without such a crucial part of his, one of his senses, you know, for music.

[603] Yeah, I don't know.

[604] I mean, I don't know how he did what he did when he could hear.

[605] It's amazing.

[606] But, yeah, I guess he's just hearing it all in his head.

[607] But some pianists will say, like, those late sonatas, there's parts that are just so dense and it's really hard to play.

[608] It's hard to play in a way that sounds clear.

[609] And so maybe he had trouble with that because he couldn't hear.

[610] And he also was hearing everything his head much faster than normal because when you're physically playing it it takes time to move your fingers or...

[611] Just the mechanics of playing it on the key.

[612] Or if you're conducting an orchestra to move the baton through the air, all these things slow the music down.

[613] So they had metronomes by the time he died and he was leaving metronome markings that now most conductors have to ignore because they're just way too fast, they don't sound good.

[614] So they're ignoring Beethoven.

[615] He wrote out what to do and they're like, yeah, that's just Beethoven.

[616] We're just going to ignore that.

[617] Beethoven, yeah.

[618] I'm just going to geek for a second about guitars because that's kind of a fascination hobby of mine.

[619] I listened to your episode with Jack White.

[620] I love one of his new albums so much.

[621] Yeah.

[622] Favorite album of the year.

[623] He's fantastic.

[624] Very satisfying for me to have him in my life as a friend because I met him and Meg when they were kids before they were famous.

[625] Whoa.

[626] I went to them in a bowling alley and I've mentioned it been in discussions.

[627] Yeah, amazing.

[628] I famously chased you off my lawn.

[629] Remember?

[630] I saw my lawn and you were playing baseball and I said, get off my lawn!

[631] I threw a rock at you, remember?

[632] We saw them kind of right before they became famous too.

[633] In, I was it, 2001, we played Space Land.

[634] under an assumed name, goat punishment.

[635] And there's a last...

[636] That's a great man. Goat punishment.

[637] We booked the show at the last second, and there was a band playing that night already, and they said, oh, we'll bump them.

[638] And so I guess they played, they ended up playing earlier in the night, and it was the white stripes.

[639] And I've never seen a two -person band before.

[640] It blew my mind.

[641] At the time, it was so shocking.

[642] You know, others have done it now, but at the time it was, can't do that.

[643] You have to at least have a bass player and probably another guitar player.

[644] This just isn't right.

[645] Someone should call the authorities.

[646] You know, it did feel.

[647] But, yeah, I was very lucky.

[648] I mean, that's a way that I feel, I mean, I've been blessed in many ways, but just the idea that between Jack and Meg, the White Stripes and all these different bands, but you guys, I mean, I just, our musical director, all those years at late night and all through TV.

[649] CBS, Jim Pitt, who's responsible for so much of the great music we had on the show.

[650] And we and I were, he and I were talking before you showed up today.

[651] And he said, you've got to see Weezer's first appearance.

[652] And I usually have trouble watching me, especially from the early days.

[653] I haven't gone back and watched it either.

[654] Well, you'd be really happy.

[655] I know my hair is not good.

[656] I've seen pictures.

[657] Well, if you think your hair is not good.

[658] I look like someone that shot a picture.

[659] pastry at my head.

[660] I look at it now, and when enough time goes by, it doesn't even feel like it's you.

[661] So I'm just watching this guy who has a show introduce Weezer for their first TV appearance, and then I'm watching you guys kill it, and that's one of my favorite bands, and then it's over, and I'm not, I turned to Jim and I said, I don't really believe that that happened to us.

[662] You know what I mean?

[663] I mean, it feels like, I don't know if that's making sense, but enough time has gone by where that just feels like a whole other thing.

[664] And then the idea that I was any way involved makes me just so, feel so fucking lucky, you know.

[665] That's cool.

[666] That was really cool that we were around in the early 90s at a time when there was so much, really felt like something special was happening in music.

[667] Like I said, the only thing that stands out to me is me coming over at the end.

[668] And I give you this.

[669] Back then, I was just trying so hard to be professional as a. supposed to just be myself.

[670] So I come over and I quickly shake your hand and go, well, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you to like you guys.

[671] And then I'm like, wheezer, everybody, we'll take a break, we'll be right, back, you know, and I look like I just sold you a used car.

[672] Very good, very good, enjoy it.

[673] So Toyota Prius, should do well, you know, I mean, you guys drive off a lot.

[674] It really makes me happy.

[675] I want to make sure we talk about what you're up to now because this project is so cool.

[676] It's seasons, but it's S -Z -N -Z.

[677] Yeah.

[678] And so ambitious, it's for, well, I'll let you describe it, because it's really cool.

[679] Yeah, so it's called seasons, and there's spring, summer, autumn, and winter, and each one comes out on the first day of its respective season, and together they kind of all add up to something that feels like a whole.

[680] Each album has a primary emotion.

[681] Spring is optimistic.

[682] Summer is angry, autumn is anxious, winter is sad.

[683] Each album has a primary genre.

[684] So spring is supposed to sound kind of like island in the sun.

[685] Summer is supposed to sound like alternative 90s rock.

[686] And autumn, which is about to come out, is like dance rock, Friends Ferdinand, is that sort of thing.

[687] And winter is like 90s singer -songwriter, Elliot Smith, that kind of thing.

[688] That is such a great idea.

[689] That's amazing.

[690] That's an amazing idea.

[691] Thanks.

[692] No, and it really, I mean.

[693] Oh, no one said that.

[694] The three of us just all at the same time, and we don't agree on anything.

[695] But it's so funny how everyone in the room just now, you know, Matt and Sona and all of us are just like, oh, this is just awesome.

[696] What a great idea.

[697] It really is.

[698] Now, what inspired you?

[699] Well, it all started with Dropbox because.

[700] What?

[701] Beethoven said the same thing.

[702] I just, every day I just write and I don't think about where a song is going to go.

[703] I don't, just whatever sounds cool to me in the moment.

[704] But because of Dropbox, I would just sort them into these different folders.

[705] And, well, this sounds kind of like dance rock.

[706] So I'll put it in this folder.

[707] This one sounds like 90s singer song right.

[708] I'll put it over here.

[709] And everything was just all nice and neatly sorted and everything at home.

[710] And I didn't have to worry about, well, we're making this kind of album this year, so everything has to fit a particular sound.

[711] It just went to whatever a folder it actually belonged in.

[712] And then I started thinking, like, well, what can I do with all this?

[713] How can I tie it together, or should I make four different albums?

[714] And somehow I remembered of all these four seasons, and, well, there's four seasons, and yeah, maybe we can kind of tie it together under that umbrella.

[715] So you release one, is the whole project done now, and you're just waiting to release them in time or no?

[716] We're kind of doing it in real time.

[717] So, like, we're, like, we just turned in autumn and it's going to come out.

[718] Obviously, what is it, September 21st.

[719] Yeah, so it's a very last minute.

[720] And for the fans, it's been fun to watch it all happen in real time, watch Weezer scramble to meet the deadlines.

[721] Did you find that you were angry when you were making summer?

[722] I was definitely anxious when I was making autumn.

[723] No, yeah, I did.

[724] I did feel, I did feel, I know, maybe I was just not.

[725] noticing it because it was on my mind, but I have felt those, those emotions as I was making each other.

[726] I'm a little worried about winter.

[727] Yeah, you're going to get sad.

[728] Yeah.

[729] We're just starting that one now.

[730] I could come by, like an ice cream cake.

[731] Oh, what?

[732] I, I, but I need to be sad.

[733] Yeah.

[734] What is it?

[735] Ice cream cake?

[736] Well, it's not going to be a good, here's the thing.

[737] It's not going to be a good ice cream cake.

[738] Oh, okay.

[739] It'll just make him more sad?

[740] Yeah, and it's going to say I hate you on it.

[741] That's a terrible idea.

[742] Well, it's going to make him sad.

[743] You didn't let me finish.

[744] God, these guys jump in whenever I think I have a really good idea.

[745] They totally screw with me. It's not right.

[746] That's very, I mean, that's...

[747] That is really cool.

[748] Using, obviously, technology, you're using computers, you're using programming.

[749] Do you find that that helps you?

[750] Do you use it to write songs?

[751] Do you ever use, I mean, you know, deconstruct songs and almost using an algorithm or anything like that?

[752] Have you ever gotten into that?

[753] Yeah, I've always, since I was a teenager, I was interested in music theory, music history, and also just kind of analyzing songs.

[754] And, you know, it's pretty basic stuff, like how many bars is the average verse?

[755] I feel like my verse is a little long.

[756] What does everyone else do?

[757] And then I'll just go analyze 100 songs and see how many bars are in the verse.

[758] So it's basic stuff like that.

[759] But then I realized I can keep all this stuff in Google Sheets.

[760] So once I've looked it up, I can keep it.

[761] And I've hoarded massive amounts of data that way.

[762] And then it was such a pain to work out the formulas in Google Sheets that I started learning computer programming.

[763] Because it's a much easier way to kind of go through all the data and refresh it.

[764] I can write little scripts that go to Spotify and say, all right, how many streams has this?

[765] have these thousand songs gotten and then I can sort and say okay here's the most popular songs how many bars do the popular songs out of that sort of basic yeah but that can really it's interesting because there's a yin and yang to that there's an upside and then there's a downside that you might get too introspective about or you know I don't know too analytical I don't do a lot to me it's the fun part is writing the script that's the really fun part and I'd be fascinating to know, and I don't, I know you don't know the answer, but just using that kind of program, trying to figure out which of the most, of the popular bands of the last 30, 40, 50 years, which are the ones that are most atypical, that have managed to be successful being the most atypical, meaning they don't fit, they don't fit that structure.

[766] I don't know.

[767] I don't know what the answer would be, you know.

[768] Yeah, I think.

[769] the B -52s or something.

[770] I don't know.

[771] Some rush.

[772] Yeah, well, we don't talk about rush.

[773] Really?

[774] No, I'm kidding.

[775] I'm kidding.

[776] I'm an arbitrary cruel king who comes up with weird rules of the last second.

[777] Yeah, I don't know what it would be, but I'd be kind of fascinated to know.

[778] And you can see bands, like obviously the Beatles start out.

[779] Like there was a very clear they were using the, where is the bridge, the middle they would call it.

[780] And they would work it out.

[781] But then even early on, they're doing things.

[782] things that are just strange.

[783] And at the time, we're very strange.

[784] They worked, but they were using chords that were strange, and they were doing two bridges that didn't match.

[785] And you're like, what are they doing and why did they do it that way?

[786] What gave them the confidence to know they could do it that way?

[787] So I don't know.

[788] All of that is fascinating to me. Maybe to no one else, I apologize.

[789] You just fell asleep.

[790] Just a silence.

[791] It was painful.

[792] Well, come on.

[793] I'm allowed to muse.

[794] Aren't I allowed to muse occasionally?

[795] Sure, okay.

[796] You're going to put crickets in there, aren't you?

[797] And a little rush.

[798] And a little rush, a little getty leave.

[799] Well, I want to make sure I get the word out.

[800] Spring and summer have been released.

[801] Also, autumn is just out, and winter will be out on December 21st.

[802] It's such a cool concept.

[803] We're also, we're performing winter in its entirety under the name Goat Punishment at the Trubador in a few weeks.

[804] You're kidding, really?

[805] Yeah.

[806] It's kind of, it's to kind of force us to learn the songs and, you know, get them under our belt.

[807] So when we go to record it, it will be in better shape.

[808] That's cool.

[809] At the Trubidor, Goet Funishment.

[810] Field trip.

[811] Okay.

[812] Field trip.

[813] Yeah.

[814] Yeah.

[815] And I accept your offer to play ukulele with the guys.

[816] You're welcome to me. Sorry.

[817] Sorry.

[818] It's got to be sad ukulele.

[819] Trust me, when I pick up a ukulele, it's sad.

[820] Rivers, this has been a real pleasure.

[821] It's been funny and sweet and just a great conversation.

[822] And I admire what you've done, and I wish you continued success.

[823] And thanks so much.

[824] You took a chance on me in 94.

[825] and here we are still in the game.

[826] So this just makes me really happy.

[827] Yeah, same here.

[828] Let's do it again in, what, 30 years?

[829] Yes, 30 years, yes.

[830] I'll be a brain in a jar, but I'll still be going.

[831] Hey, thank you.

[832] Thank you.

[833] Okay, we've got a reason to celebrate.

[834] Oh, it's Sona's birth month.

[835] Oh.

[836] Yes.

[837] Or she celebrates the entire.

[838] month for her birthday.

[839] But this is a big one.

[840] This is a big one.

[841] It's 40.

[842] Yeah.

[843] Yeah.

[844] We're all going to have big birthdays coming up.

[845] I know.

[846] No, you don't want to talk about it?

[847] Sure.

[848] I mean, my birthday doesn't come up for another six months.

[849] So I'm not thinking about it.

[850] But the milestone birthdays, all three of us.

[851] I don't really think so.

[852] I don't think of it that way.

[853] I'm not hung up on age, as they say, age is just a number.

[854] So I don't think about it much.

[855] But yeah, I see what your point is.

[856] These are all going to be big birthdays.

[857] Yeah.

[858] Let's just come out with it.

[859] You're turning 60.

[860] I'm turning 50 and Zona's turning 40 all within seven or eight months.

[861] Yeah, mine is until April, so I don't like being rushed along.

[862] Mine's not until May. Mine's now.

[863] That's why I brought it up.

[864] Yeah.

[865] Yeah.

[866] Oh, okay.

[867] Do you guys celebrate all right?

[868] I don't like this rushing thing.

[869] No. Well, Conan, you're practically, you know, 80.

[870] I'm like, what?

[871] I didn't say.

[872] You just said you don't mind it.

[873] And now you're, now you're snowballing it to you'll, to you be.

[874] I'm as young as I've ever been I'm younger now than I ever was you're at your age are we still cool?

[875] My hip hurts we're still cool oh yeah okay are you kidding yeah right especially me and you that's a youth quake I mean we're taking the world by storm these are I guess yeah these are I guess you would call them milestone birthdays that are coming up Yeah.

[876] But as I say, it's six months away.

[877] So as far as I'm concerned, I'm 38 years old.

[878] Doesn't quite work like that.

[879] That's not how it works at all.

[880] That's how it works for me. Also, have you seen me?

[881] I am jacked.

[882] I mean...

[883] Do you mean like put up on cinder blocks and raised like a car?

[884] Is that what you mean?

[885] Oh, yeah.

[886] I didn't mean working out.

[887] Yeah.

[888] No, I am jacked.

[889] They're working on my undercarriage.

[890] There's fluids leaking all over the floor They thought they knew what the problem was But they can still hear the buzzing sound And there's just spare parts all over the place How's your piston?

[891] Oh man Come on, Matt Hey, happy birth month They can't even find it The piston was misplaced Awful gift this is Yeah No, so this is your time You celebrate for a whole month I think I don't even celebrate my birthday for a whole day.

[892] Yeah, why?

[893] I love birthdays.

[894] Me too.

[895] I love my birthday.

[896] I'll celebrate all year if I could, but that would be weird.

[897] But I, yeah, I like celebrating all month.

[898] How come you don't like celebrating your birthday?

[899] I just don't, you know why?

[900] I'm going to be honest with you.

[901] I always feel like, well, I didn't do anything.

[902] Oh, man. Did you know what I mean?

[903] Like I. On that one day a year, you can't give yourself a little gift of just, hey, let's celebrate me. I don't know I feel it feels I get a little funny because I'm being being honest I just always have felt like well what did I do I was just thrust into this earth against my will I wanted to stay in I don't know you're making me doubt my birthday yeah you wanted to stay in the wound it was nice in there the minute I came out I realized there was so many other brothers and sisters And when I was in there alone, it was, you know, it was nice.

[904] And you were only alone in there for a little while, right?

[905] Yeah, I mean, exactly.

[906] I mean, in my, there was just so many kids that many, you know, a lot of people can't remember when they were in the womb.

[907] I remember.

[908] And I remember like, this was some me time.

[909] Wow.

[910] This was real me time.

[911] Yeah.

[912] Well, maybe for your birthday, you could just, I don't know, like, come back and boom.

[913] Get a hefty bag full of jelly or something and warm it up and go in there.

[914] Yeah, and listen to some, listen to some songs that were on the charts in 1963.

[915] Yeah, that's a great idea.

[916] He's so fine.

[917] No, no, I'm not anti -birthday, but I usually, my favorite thing to do is just, you know, go to dinner.

[918] As an excuse to just go to dinner with some people, but the whole thing of, hey, happy birthday, and here's something for you, always makes me a little self -conscious.

[919] Oh, I don't like it.

[920] It's not the age thing.

[921] It's just me feeling, I don't know, it's so funny because I'm someone who my whole life has been, I love going out in front of people and whatever, entertaining them.

[922] But I feel like that's something that I'm doing.

[923] That's me doing my job as opposed to yay and what did I do?

[924] Well, you lived 60 years.

[925] I mean, that's no small.

[926] small feet.

[927] I don't know why you're rushing my birthday.

[928] It's unbelievable.

[929] You keep acting like it doesn't bother you.

[930] Well, it's another thing to say like, well, Sona, I mean 50, that's a big one.

[931] And you're like, what are you talking about?

[932] Well, it's coming up.

[933] You seem kind of defensive.

[934] This has not, you know, I've got six months to process this.

[935] I'm still in my 50s.

[936] And I'm not going to have you turn this whole segment prematurely into a I'm 60 when.

[937] That's not what I've tried to do.

[938] I was just trying to wish so.

[939] Oh, I know exactly.

[940] Exactly what you're trying to do, Gordley.

[941] And happy 50th to you, too, Matt.

[942] This is about you.

[943] I mean, well, you're practically 57 when you think about it.

[944] How do you figure?

[945] Well, it's coming pretty quick.

[946] I mean, I feel and look that way.

[947] Yeah, but other than that, I think...

[948] You use a cane and you don't need to.

[949] But that's an affectation.

[950] I know.

[951] Gorley has a walker that he bought at the Rose Bowl Swap Meat.

[952] Yeah.

[953] And he got it because it was vintage.

[954] It was one of those really cool 40s vintage walkers.

[955] And he uses it.

[956] Yeah.

[957] And I've seen old people who needed.

[958] and you've...

[959] Fuck them.

[960] No, I think, I don't know how I'm going to react when my birthday rolls around, but I think I'll be pretty cool.

[961] I do tend to take the attitude that, wow, I've been on earth this long as being, I think that's how people used to feel about getting old because nobody, very few people had the chance to get old in our recent history.

[962] For most of mankind, if someone turned 50 or 60 or 70, it was a sign of, this is cool.

[963] This is, wow, you've been here.

[964] And people would go to you for wisdom.

[965] We don't do that anymore with our elderly.

[966] Yeah.

[967] Well, because also we're aging better.

[968] You look great.

[969] You don't look 60.

[970] And you do not look for you.

[971] Well, I'm not.

[972] You are.

[973] I'm 59.

[974] You look 59 and six months.

[975] No, you don't even look at that.

[976] You don't look 60, Matt.

[977] I might.

[978] You don't.

[979] You look fine.

[980] No, look, we all know.

[981] I think we're all.

[982] real hot.

[983] You don't get, first of all, Sony, you know that no one just gets my body.

[984] Okay.

[985] I immediately regret complimenting you.

[986] It's an incredible amount of work.

[987] No one gets your body.

[988] They're cursed with it.

[989] This body is a burden.

[990] No, I, you know, I, I do the best I can.

[991] You do have a good body, though.

[992] That's the thing.

[993] Now it's getting creepy.

[994] I mean, a really nice body.

[995] Thank you.

[996] I, I'm proud of us.

[997] because Sona is going to be You're going to be 40 How soon is your birthday I'm supposed to know this?

[998] October 13 Yeah, whatever I'll have David remind me What?

[999] I just told you You can't remember it It's already gone David the other assistant We'll remember But that's a big deal How do you feel about turning 40?

[1000] I'm cool with it Yeah Should I feel different?

[1001] Should we feel different?

[1002] I mean I don't know You've got a wonderful husband Two beautiful boys Yeah, cool You've got a really nice house I'm chilling.

[1003] You're working with Conan O 'Brien.

[1004] Oh, God.

[1005] This is, I mean, it's the jackpot, you know?

[1006] I really am like in a happy place.

[1007] I don't know when you get to the point where you're like, oh.

[1008] Like, when does a midlife crisis happen?

[1009] Oh, it happened to me late 40s.

[1010] Oh, okay.

[1011] Hard.

[1012] Yeah.

[1013] Did you get a corvette?

[1014] No, I bought a margarita maker.

[1015] Oh, my God.

[1016] That was your midlife crisis.

[1017] And had it installed in his corvette.

[1018] That's the problem.

[1019] my hot rod.

[1020] You got a margarita making?

[1021] A man about it for me for my birthday, but it was my midlife crisis toy.

[1022] Yeah, it's actually a frozen concoction maker from Margaritaville, the Jimmy Buffett brand.

[1023] Okay.

[1024] Oh, wow.

[1025] I hope you're getting paid.

[1026] No, but I would.

[1027] I'm not, uh, that's interesting.

[1028] I don't know.

[1029] I'm going to think about what I want for my birthday.

[1030] What are you going to want this year?

[1031] Oh, I guess I might be a little like, I like just a dinner with friends, but it's 50th, so maybe we'll have a party or something.

[1032] I don't know.

[1033] Right.

[1034] It's just something in the backyard or something.

[1035] I don't know.

[1036] What about you, Sona?

[1037] What's the plan for the...

[1038] Oh, well, it's birth months.

[1039] So it's a lot of dinners with a lot of people.

[1040] And then my trip, a trip with my family.

[1041] What's very entitled to have a birth month?

[1042] How dare you?

[1043] Oh, I'm sorry.

[1044] Just to say, oh, and this whole month is mine.

[1045] Where do you get off saying you have a birth month?

[1046] There's a lot of people I want to see.

[1047] And so it's like, hey, let's, you know, using your birthday is an excuse to see people.

[1048] Isn't it nice?

[1049] But it's also pressuring them to get you a gift.

[1050] No, nobody gets gifts anymore.

[1051] It's not like I'm turning, you know, five.

[1052] I don't want people to get me gifts.

[1053] No one gets, I don't want to do a gift thing.

[1054] I expect a gift on my birthday.

[1055] You want me to get you a gift?

[1056] Yes, especially this year.

[1057] But you have so much stuff.

[1058] Why do you say that?

[1059] Why do you say I have so much stuff?

[1060] Because you're a very wealthy person.

[1061] It's all relative.

[1062] I mean, compared to Bill Gates.

[1063] It is hard to buy you a gift.

[1064] You are a hard person to buy a gift for.

[1065] Not true.

[1066] Okay.

[1067] It's true.

[1068] What, really?

[1069] Yeah.

[1070] Anything.

[1071] I'm happy with anything, as long as it costs over like $2 ,500.

[1072] I'm happy with it.

[1073] Can I just write you a check?

[1074] That's fine.

[1075] Okay.

[1076] No, my limit.

[1077] A check for $2 ,500 and you would catch it.

[1078] My baseline is $2 ,500.

[1079] That is my baseline.

[1080] You can't.

[1081] You can't collect checks from your employees for your birthday.

[1082] My mother a few years ago.

[1083] made wrote me a little note on my birthday and I sent it back to her and I said this I want $2 ,500 minimum and she didn't she didn't have it she had to take out a loan nice you should just build into our pay for the company an extra $2 ,500 no you guys do fine and I think um I'm a I loom large in your lives and I think uh $2 ,500 a piece is fair uh check is fine I prefer cash or cryptocurrency Okay.

[1084] You wouldn't know what to do with crypto.

[1085] I just transferred crypto into your account then.

[1086] You know what?

[1087] I know so little about crypto.

[1088] I'm assuming you did.

[1089] Oh, yeah.

[1090] So did I. Oh, boop boop boop.

[1091] Oh, boop boop.

[1092] Oh, I guess some...

[1093] Well, if I heard boop -boop, then I must have crypto.

[1094] I used boop -boop -boop -coin and I gave you 25 ,000 big -y bits.

[1095] Well, and I'll use some back.

[1096] Okay.

[1097] I'm going to give you some...

[1098] Oh, chich -d -d -ditchin.

[1099] Well, this ended stupidly.

[1100] Yeah, it did.

[1101] Happy birthday, Sona.

[1102] Thank you.

[1103] Happy birth, year, Sona.

[1104] Thank you.

[1105] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1106] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1107] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1108] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1109] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1110] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1111] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1112] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1113] Engineering by Will Beckton, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Khan.

[1114] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1115] Got a question for Conan?

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[1120] This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.