#218 - Dom Irrera

[0] Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

[1] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[2] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night.

[3] He's got a new fate every time, the kid.

[4] Just when you think, he can't just, he can't add a different flare.

[5] There's no more flares to add.

[6] Is this retardo -Montabom over here?

[7] I got so much good feedback.

[8] I got so much good feedback calling you a retard.

[9] It's sad.

[10] It's the cool thing to do.

[11] Well, Brian is slightly playing a character on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

[12] it's subtle it goes in and out even I don't know when it's there I don't recognize it but but he balances me out yeah now you guys are the yin and yang of life that's what we've been trying to form a new band and that's what it was going to be called we guys are the yin and yang of life yin yang twins kind of a long hook yeah that we would have to go to war with the yin yang twins they would kick our ass for jack in their name No, we could copyright that shit because they don't have a podcast.

[13] We do a podcast first called the Yinyang Twins and then we on the Yinyang Twins podcast.

[14] That seems unscrupulous.

[15] I had no idea this, I didn't know idea this show is this fucking big.

[16] I swear to God, I mean, it's amazing.

[17] I'm in Chicago.

[18] People are coming up to me. One guy came to the show.

[19] He goes, man, you know, I didn't really hear you before.

[20] But when you did the podcast, you and Rogan were so fucking funny, I had the government.

[21] I go, holy shit.

[22] You know what I mean?

[23] Like I did the show, not like I felt like I was doing you a favor, but you got a show.

[24] Of course I want to do it.

[25] you know what I mean but you didn't think that that many people were gonna I had no fucking clue I'm so retarded I don't know what the real numbers are right now it's pretty high though and it's what it is though is the difference is they're with you for hours at a time and they're comedy people yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's a big difference yeah because what I like late night shows nobody gives a fuck right you know I mean it's hard too don't you feel when you do a late night show that you don't even get a chance to really get cooking you're doing like five minutes or something like that or seven minutes.

[26] Ah, man, I can't do it.

[27] I just, my mind doesn't function like that for a set.

[28] It's really hard to pull off and get a true feeling what the experience of seeing someone live is.

[29] Plus you like, I like just to do some stuff that's just improvisation.

[30] I fuck around.

[31] My most fun I ever had was on Craig Ferguson when he introduced me and gave me the wrong credit.

[32] He said that you can see Domit at the Denver Comedy Works this week.

[33] I said, thanks a lot.

[34] What a crack staff you have.

[35] I was there last week, but I'm so hot in a business.

[36] I have to post -plug things where the place will be stormed right and then he said well let's just start it over he came out on stage like I'm starting over I got a spot at the laugh factory later I can't I don't have this kind of time but that was fun because it was real right right right you can't do that every time but it's to have enough time to fuck around is odd you know most of the times it's like it's so rigid you start with your first bit and it just so fucking corny at the desk like we were just saying about the zoo he has been this right yeah that's a I mean I mean, it's cool when someone has a good story, you know, and you get some Nick Nolte character.

[37] It's got some crazy story.

[38] But for the most part, you're accepting a contrived conversation.

[39] Yeah.

[40] I mean, I saw an actress on one of the shows, and I couldn't watch it, but that's some of the most boring fucking TV there is.

[41] And Letterman said, really, they just want to see you.

[42] In other words, you're so fucking vapid, just sit here.

[43] Don't even worry about talking.

[44] You know what I mean?

[45] I'll do the talking, just sit there because you have nothing to offer.

[46] Has Kim Kardashian ever been on Letterman?

[47] I don't know Probably What talk shows Has she been on?

[48] She has to be on everything Right?

[49] I don't know I've never seen her interview It's one of the things That I was marveling at one day I was like I don't think I know her voice She's been in the Lamarotum Big Cock show I don't think I if her The character playing her voice Was substituted with a new character I don't know if I would be able Pick it out No I was like it's amazing That she became like Super famous without me I mean like in my world Like I know who she is On a regular basis But without me ever hearing her talk that's that's incredible I might have heard like one or two of the commercials or something like that or maybe I watched one one episode of the show but you know what I'm saying like if if you somebody tried to replace your voice right I would go that's not Domirra I know what he sounds like if someone tried to do Jeff Goldblum I know what Jeff Goldblum sounds like right but I hear your rhythm I know what Letterman's voice sounds like yeah but I don't know what her voice here she is on Letterman like you could dump this with a completely different person's voice it's a But she's as famous as like, what's the chick's name from friends?

[50] Jennifer Anderson.

[51] Jennifer Anderson, whose voice is like extremely well -known.

[52] Yeah.

[53] You know what I mean?

[54] Like, Jennifer Anderson is very specific.

[55] And an accomplished actress.

[56] Yeah.

[57] What did she ever do?

[58] Exactly.

[59] Like, it's amazing how famous she's got with very little words.

[60] She's 25.

[61] 25?

[62] Well, just a kid and she's getting married.

[63] Was that exciting?

[64] Yeah.

[65] It was very exciting.

[66] That could be a totally fake voice.

[67] And I wouldn't know.

[68] It can sound nothing like what she sounds like.

[69] Maria Bramford could be dubbing her voice.

[70] It's amazing how far a human being can go in the world of fame without ever saying anything.

[71] Well, don't you think, like, you know a lot of people.

[72] What's you do to her, Brian?

[73] He turned her in an alien.

[74] I should have done in this.

[75] Wow, she's the actressist.

[76] My brother Brody was here the other day.

[77] Well, maybe that's...

[78] Red rum, red rum.

[79] That's the nightmare.

[80] He is a nice kid.

[81] She's demonically possessed.

[82] This is actually an encoder.

[83] He's got a secret decoder ring.

[84] and it's deciphering what her real voice actually is before Lucifer's powers.

[85] Oh, that's scary.

[86] Well, that's the freaky as shit.

[87] Why is that demonic when it's just shitty?

[88] I went to Africa.

[89] This fucking bitch is going to kill me. And his diamond empowerment fund sent me and my sister and my boyfriend and we just went to Botswana.

[90] And it was really cool to see how all the diamonds really helped the country out there.

[91] Wait a minute.

[92] What?

[93] Back it up.

[94] Back it up.

[95] Holy shit.

[96] What the fuck did she just say?

[97] Oh my God, that was hilarious.

[98] Holy shit.

[99] Life is not real.

[100] I'm telling you.

[101] It's a fucking Cohen Brothers movie.

[102] My boyfriend and we just went to Botswana.

[103] It was really cool to see how all the diamonds really help the country out there.

[104] I mean, nods, like thinking that people are going to applaud.

[105] Right, right.

[106] You know, conception of what was going on there.

[107] And so every year I like to go on a vacation out of the country.

[108] Well, I think that's good to get out and see what's going on.

[109] But, see, I had, and believe I am ignorant in most matters, a different impression that the diamond industry maybe on a global stage was generating huge sums of money, but locally in these countries where they were mine, that the people were being exploited.

[110] Did you...

[111] That's what I assumed before I went there, and so that's kind of why I wanted to go, and it's completely the opposite.

[112] These diamonds fund the schools and the hospitals.

[113] They fund pretty much the entire country.

[114] But I was a little bit disappointed in Africa because I wanted to go see some wildlife animals.

[115] And it's like this 24 -hour flight.

[116] I was so excited to see, like, giraffes, and these crazy animals, like lions.

[117] She sounds just slightly dykes right now.

[118] I saw a few cubs, but when I get home off of the 24 -hour flight in Calabasas, California, my sister and I are driving into my mom's house, and the neighbor is having a little party with giraffes.

[119] And we flew 24 hours all the way to Africa to see giraffes, wild dress, did not see a thing.

[120] We go to Calabasas, and they're having a birthday party where they hired giraffes.

[121] Where can you get giraffes?

[122] How do you get them?

[123] Um, well, I rented a monkey for my mom for a week because she was missing the baby.

[124] The monkey for your mom was a rental.

[125] Oh, okay.

[126] Jesus Christ.

[127] She has the material's funny, Joe.

[128] Oh, my God.

[129] She's got some little animal stuff.

[130] I mean, wow.

[131] Does she have a point?

[132] I'm really stoned from watching that.

[133] Does she have any point at all?

[134] I mean, maybe she does have a point?

[135] Her point was that the diamonds.

[136] They're good for the whole general population And pay for the hospitals That's what she's saying I don't know maybe they do And you know You can do that and still exploit children If you had to fucking Kardashian or Anneson Which one?

[137] I bet Jennifer Aniston Knows how to throw it down Yeah I would imagine she knows how to throw it down If you could cut off her head And switch the bodies Who?

[138] Which one?

[139] Kardashian If you can cut off her head Why would you want to cut off her head?

[140] No kidding.

[141] I'm just I would want to come up, right?

[142] She's really pretty.

[143] She's very pretty.

[144] She's so vapid that, like, I mean, I think she really cares if she's watching this, whether or not I'd want to fuck her or Jennifer Anas.

[145] Yeah, probably.

[146] I think.

[147] Jennifer has to be more fun.

[148] Yeah, for sure.

[149] Should take sense.

[150] I think.

[151] I don't know, though.

[152] I don't know.

[153] Kim Kardashian does have a porno with a black dude.

[154] That's a chick that's willing to go deep.

[155] Sure.

[156] That's why I think Jennifer Harris would be great.

[157] You can't fail a disappointer.

[158] Exactly.

[159] That's right.

[160] yeah um whatever what kind of conversation is this who would you fuck jennifer aniston or well how did it even get under her oh it was like jennifer anerson's voice that's what we're talking about yeah yeah yeah it's fucking hard out there for a chick chick's trying to be famous you know if she was doing the same thing that if kim kardashian was a guy though and she was doing what she's doing like she would be like uh especially for the marriage part like she married for like 72 hours oh yeah yeah to that basketball player right Yeah, well, how long was you married for?

[161] I think it was.

[162] It was a month or something like that.

[163] But whatever it was, you know, it's like...

[164] It's a shame.

[165] They had it all...

[166] That you do that, and you do it as like a piece of...

[167] It's a plot.

[168] It's like, this is her life all of a sudden become theater.

[169] And they start introducing false things, like false marriages, like hire some other high -profile guy to come in and marry her on this show.

[170] And then they break up and, wow.

[171] Is that what they're doing?

[172] Because if it is what they're doing, it's pretty brilliant.

[173] If you think about what she's done, I mean, just tactically, the way she's sort of entered into the entertainment industry.

[174] Like a lot of people get mad.

[175] They say she's vapid, she's this and that.

[176] But what she is is she's been super successful in getting people to pay attention to her.

[177] It's amazing.

[178] It's fucking incredible.

[179] I mean, it's amazing what you can pull off when you are single -minded and you pursue that.

[180] And, you know, you do it the way she's done it.

[181] And obviously, you look like her.

[182] Yeah, you know what it reminded me of going back when this kind of point hits you is when the OJ trial.

[183] And Cato Cahlin went out and did comedy for a while.

[184] And for that one brief moment in time, he was more famous than almost any of the comedians.

[185] You know, right at the top of the OJ trial, Cato Cailin was selling out the MGM.

[186] And he was trying to do comedy?

[187] Yeah, he did stand -up.

[188] Did he do it before?

[189] No. No. Oh, that's horrible.

[190] Oh, yeah.

[191] Well, Charlie Sheen can prove that.

[192] That's, yeah, Charlie Sheen, well, you know who did that?

[193] Who's got fucking balls?

[194] I've talked about it before, but Charlie Murphy.

[195] Charlie Murphy didn't have a lot going on, like, as far as his career, and then got on the Chappelle show, and he was in his 40s, and then started doing stand -up, and he was famous, and not only was he famous, he was famous of, like, the brother of one of the greatest stand -ups ever.

[196] So he's got Charlie Murphy, his brother's Eddie Murphy, they look alike, and, you know, I mean, he's going out there literally.

[197] he's done comedy for like a couple of months and he's fucking headlining yeah he's unbelievable he's got balls that guy has fucking balls we did a month maxim tour on the road together and uh charlie murphy man he he he's got fucking balls that guy we would alternate headline and he he only been doing comedy he couldn't follow you he did he did a couple times what did he did well yeah my people first of all he's a good storyteller and and people love him and if he's in his right groove he he's just got to be comfortable you know when charlie's comfortable he's comfortable and he's got like a couple different gears you know when he's comfortable and he's telling a story there are very few people in the world as entertaining as that guy he has this realistic sort of like aggressive kind of like real brutal honesty you know but with a cool voice you know he he can tell a fuck out of a story well for brothers of famous people I'll take Tony Rock.

[198] Tony Rock's hilarious.

[199] He's good, yeah.

[200] He's very funny.

[201] That guy gets slept on.

[202] You know, I had seen him a couple of years ago, like way back at the Laugh Factory, and he was really funny then.

[203] He was, like, promising, you know?

[204] No, he's really good.

[205] And then I saw him at the improv, like, recently.

[206] Yeah.

[207] And I came up to him after his set.

[208] I was like, dude, you got way better.

[209] Like, that was, like, really fun to watch.

[210] It's fun to watch a guy that you haven't seen for years.

[211] And then you see him, and you're like, damn, you've been working.

[212] And he's like, thanks, man. But, like, in the gym, I'm in the gym, you know.

[213] He's got the right attitude about it.

[214] He's fucking good.

[215] And it is in the gym.

[216] It is in the gym.

[217] It is in the gym.

[218] It is in the gym.

[219] It sounds.

[220] Well, for us, it's the gym.

[221] You got to get on stage.

[222] I mean, look at Bill Burr.

[223] I mean, I've seen him take strides, and he's so fucking good.

[224] Perfect example.

[225] Bill Burr was always really funny, but now it's like he's just, he's super prolific too.

[226] Now he's just nailing it, you know, he's just like, he's constantly putting out new stuff.

[227] And you go to see him, it's fun.

[228] It's like, you know, I agree with it.

[229] them.

[230] I don't agree with him.

[231] I'm still laughing.

[232] He says something completely ridiculous and overaggressive.

[233] I'm still laughing.

[234] You know, it's fucking great.

[235] It's just, it's, he's, uh, he's one of the last of, uh, the Boston comics, you know, that real, like, uh, intelligent, but like still manly, aggressive sort of comedians.

[236] There was a lot of guys like that in Boston.

[237] Yeah.

[238] Lenny Clark in that whole group.

[239] You know, that was what one of the things that Dan Cook and I were talking about once about growing up and doing stand -up together in Boston was that those guys were men.

[240] They were fucking, like Lenny Clark.

[241] Oh, yeah, they were tough guys.

[242] They were comedians.

[243] They were like nebushy problems with their mother kind of.

[244] They were animals.

[245] Lenny Clark was a fucking savage.

[246] Oh, yeah.

[247] I met Lenny right after you guys did, uh, he, didn't you do the HBO comedy special?

[248] Yeah, the Ronnie Dangerfield.

[249] I got a chance to open.

[250] He was the second guy ever got paid to open for.

[251] I used to forget about the first guy and pretend it was He was the first for a while.

[252] First time I ever got paid, I opened up for Lenny Clark because it sounds good, but it was really the second time.

[253] First time was a guy named Warren McDonald's.

[254] Actually, a very funny guy, too.

[255] But I worked with him right after he just got done doing the Rodney special.

[256] Oh, my God.

[257] He was a fucking animal.

[258] Such balls.

[259] Oh, he was an animal.

[260] We were up in Seattle to see the NCAAs, and these guys, they were fucking drinking all day.

[261] I can't.

[262] I mean, Don Gavin and all them.

[263] And we're at a party, and this CBS guy comes up to me. And he says, I'm a big fan he was.

[264] And I didn't have a ticket.

[265] Lenny's at like Jackie Gleason, bigger than Levy.

[266] He goes, hey, if you're such a big fucking fan, get him a ticket to the game.

[267] And the guy goes, oh, okay.

[268] You know, sheepishly, like, what's he going to do?

[269] What is that movie that, I think, is Fran Salamita did that movie on Boston comedy?

[270] Yeah.

[271] How do you spell Franz Salamita?

[272] I don't know.

[273] F, R, F, F, R, Z. for yeah oh when stand -ups Fran Salamito when stand -up stood out which is a great documentary on stand -up comedy and about the one town about Boston and what it was like you know back then and it's a really accurate depiction because there's a lot of old video yeah yeah like old video Lenny Clark and those guys and Jimmy Tingle and talking about the the dingho like the Chinese restaurant was like the first place like man I was like right after that wave.

[274] Those guys were like, these guys were the big established headliners right when I was becoming an open mic.

[275] They were good to me too because they could bury people if they wanted to.

[276] Nix was tough.

[277] Well, you know, for the people that don't know, Dom was one of the only guys that I ever paid to see do comedy before, after I was a comedian.

[278] There was only like a few guys once I became a comedian, like once I had done like open mic nights.

[279] But I went to see.

[280] Remember how much it cost to see me?

[281] I wish I did.

[282] Did you bring a date?

[283] I went to see you a couple times.

[284] Did I get you late too?

[285] I went to see you before I ever did stand up.

[286] I'm pretty sure.

[287] It was either before or right before or right when I was doing it.

[288] But I went to see you and you didn't make the flight.

[289] Something happened.

[290] And Dennis Leary was in your place.

[291] It was the first time I ever saw Dennis Leary.

[292] He fucking destroyed.

[293] And I remember back then he was on fire.

[294] He was my favorite comedian for six months until some, you know, until I saw Bill Hicks.

[295] I was like, what the fuck is going on here?

[296] See, I didn't, I didn't see as much as other people did with the parallels.

[297] And Bill was a friend of mine, but, yeah.

[298] Bill had a funny joke about it, though.

[299] He actually had an event, and he went back in time and did the jokes, stole him, then went back in time and did him before and added punchlines.

[300] Right, right.

[301] I don't know.

[302] I think I butchered the quote, but, you know, when they asked him, like, you know, who stole it from who?

[303] Well, you know, my nightmare was about the HBO thing, about Roddy Dangerfield was, it was like, I'd rather not get a compliment than the compliment I would get.

[304] I'd have somebody come up to me and go, man, you were my favorite on that show.

[305] Beat you and that guy, Dice.

[306] Tell him fucking compliment me if you're going to compare us.

[307] See, you have always had a problem with Dice, and you and Dice have actually gotten into it.

[308] But when I was a kid, man, I was a fucking huge fan of Dice.

[309] Well, yeah, you were a kid.

[310] I don't think there's anything wrong.

[311] I like his comedy.

[312] It doesn't bother me. I like it.

[313] That's comedy doesn't bother me. I just don't like him.

[314] You don't like him?

[315] Yeah.

[316] I never have a bad problem with him.

[317] I've never had any issues with him.

[318] I can't be a 50, 60 -year -old, uh, Fonz.

[319] See, I look at him, I think he's a character.

[320] You look at him and's like he's some guy who disrespected you or something.

[321] Something happened, right?

[322] There's only three comedians I hate.

[323] Three?

[324] Let me guess one.

[325] Billy Crystal.

[326] I don't consider him a comedian.

[327] what is that what is that about because i heard there was uh billy crystal was such an asshole to me i was really i was you know and he was always been really nice to me but he was with de nero and i was hosting this thing for comedy central and we're doing a review review of that shit movie uh analyzed that remember the first one was good analyze this it was the deniero movie yeah and then the second one wasn't good yeah but he got all of a sudden he's buddying up with deno and he like he starts like acting condescending towards me. So I fucked with him right away.

[328] I go, Billy, you hosting the Academy Awards here?

[329] He goes, I don't know why.

[330] I said, can you mention me to the people in the academy?

[331] He goes, for what?

[332] I go, I don't know.

[333] Some kind of award.

[334] You figure it out.

[335] Then he realized I had duped him.

[336] So, what?

[337] You figure it out.

[338] Yeah, he lost a sense of humor, right?

[339] Yeah, he got too cool.

[340] But, I mean, you know, he was always a right at the beginning.

[341] But in that situation, he lost a sense of humor.

[342] Oh, yeah, well, he was trying to act like him and De Niro were these dear friends, and I'm thinking, this is Robert De Niro's sitting next to you.

[343] Come on, Billy.

[344] You're Billy Crystal.

[345] People.

[346] People love to be friends with someone like De Niro.

[347] You can put that shit on your resume.

[348] Hey, I'm going over Bobby D's house for barbecue this weekend.

[349] I did a reading with him.

[350] Rarely do I get impressed.

[351] You imagine someone saying that to you and wearing like a running track suit.

[352] No, yeah.

[353] Fuck that noise.

[354] It's like fake Italian immigrants.

[355] These immigrants to California from the East Coast, fake Italian dudes.

[356] Oh, yeah.

[357] We're always connected.

[358] You know, those guys were always trying to break into acting.

[359] Those are fake, tough guy dudes.

[360] Right, right.

[361] Go to Bobby D's house.

[362] Yeah.

[363] Good guy that Bobby D. Yeah, who else?

[364] Who else is it real?

[365] Sean Connery.

[366] If you could say you're friends with Sean Connery.

[367] I'm going fly fishing with Sean Connery, actually.

[368] Well, that's people who have to drop Even like countries Yeah, I got these Oh, they're nice shoes You got them in France You know like that makes it a fucking big deal That's all you got them in France Would you be friends with What's his face The guy from Paul Fixing Shit, that's uh Oh my god, I just had a brain fart John Travolta Yeah John Travolta I think you fuck you I think if you're friends That's what happens He fucks you Somebody Some friend I heard on some radio station What a pal What's the other guy that was in Greece That recently died From a drug overdose So that was that Kinnaki or not, is it Kinniki?

[369] It was in Greece that recently died of a drug.

[370] Yeah, the other main guy in Greece that was in Celebrity Rehab.

[371] Oh, is he the guy that was in, from Taxi?

[372] Is that the guy?

[373] Oh, shit.

[374] Because I think, you're talking about Jeff something or another?

[375] The one that just recently died.

[376] I don't know.

[377] I don't know.

[378] I don't know.

[379] I'll look it up.

[380] I had heard that that, you see, I've only really watched celebrity rehab once.

[381] And I get depressed.

[382] I don't like watching people that are, falling apart i don't like taking in that vibe you know i know i mean occasionally i like to know it's jeff conway know what jeff conway is that the guy yeah he he said that that he actually spent the night once at his house and supposedly this is what i heard on a radius that he went over there to spend the night at his house and he crashed and he woke up and and he was fondling him like oh jeffolte who was fondling him oh jesus and then and then i hate that don't you hate when you wake up and one of your friends is playing with your balls yeah yeah you wake up and the dude from Pulp Fiction and Sucked Meek.

[383] Oh, God.

[384] Really?

[385] And then Mike.

[386] I let you suck my dick.

[387] We'll leave me a little.

[388] Mike Wallace, I heard that.

[389] Mike Wallace from whatever the inquirer is or whatever he works for that released all this shit said like they asked him, you know, like, is this shit fake?

[390] Are you guys just trying, you know, are these people really telling the truth?

[391] And they're like, do we give them lie detector test?

[392] We fucking like go and check.

[393] Like if they say any detail, like going to like hotels or something like that, that they get it.

[394] This was on the Howard Stern show that he said this.

[395] Wow.

[396] And stuff like that.

[397] And then all these people are all telling the truth, like all of them.

[398] So all these masseuses are all telling the truth?

[399] Yeah, is that crazy?

[400] Well, who knows?

[401] We don't know.

[402] We don't have an official stance on this.

[403] Joe Rogan Experience podcast, nor Brian Redband.

[404] I'm just regurgitating what I've been hearing on.

[405] I happen to know, but I'm not talking.

[406] Dom's, you know what I'll be talking to?

[407] Tell us about the time that you worked as a masseuse for the Hollywood elite.

[408] I'm not talking I'll be talking June 30th of the Tropicana Atlantic City that's when I'll be talking Those big manly hands that you have I bet you would You would give a good massage My hands are very soft You know what they?

[409] They could toughen up quickly You would be a good Good show Is Dom and Joey Diaz dressed up as women Like bosom buddies But with them Man And that be the funniest I hate You know I never thought I'd say this I never thought I'd say this, but I'd be the hot one.

[410] You know, that'd be awesome about it was like golden girls.

[411] Maybe throwing another person.

[412] Oh.

[413] I like seeing people like Joey because it makes me feel not as fat.

[414] I'm not that fat.

[415] Yeah, I do a joke about like, I'm matter how chaotic my life is, when I'm hanging around with Joey Diaz, I'm like, I'm fine.

[416] It's just like a balancer, a leveler.

[417] He's your canary in the combing.

[418] He's my canary in the coal mine.

[419] I love Joey.

[420] And I always love to know.

[421] what he's thinking oh he has that look on his face joey ds kid would just read the newspaper and have you crying laughing yeah just point out anything i've never met a dude who's who makes me laugh like that guy does on a consistent basis he gets fucking crazy he'll get crazy about ketchup but he's this ain't fucking ketchup joe rogan when i was cuban back in jersey we got fucking ketchup it was real ketchup this is some watery bullshit it doesn't taste like he'll get fucking angry no hines is actually pretty good.

[422] The fuck out of here.

[423] Hines!

[424] You fucking Momo's buying up Hines.

[425] Joe, I just got off the road with him, right?

[426] And in one of the hotels we stayed at had a business there was like, come on, you got to go to the business center with me. And just watching him sit here checking his thing, majiggers.

[427] Like, look at that picture.

[428] Like, he's just sitting there, like, with his glasses on, doing the computer system.

[429] I loved that guy.

[430] I worked with him at Miami.

[431] I loved that guy.

[432] I worked with him in Miami improv.

[433] And the whole day, he hung at the club so he could use the phone.

[434] Really?

[435] They didn't make local calls.

[436] He could fucking do it from the room, but he chose to do it from the club.

[437] He used to, yeah, he used to not even have a cell phone.

[438] For the longest time, Joey just had a pager.

[439] When everybody else had a cell phone, Joey still had a pager.

[440] Yeah.

[441] He would just, you'd never be able to find him.

[442] Dude, now he's embraced it.

[443] Man, he has number one fucking CD on iTunes.

[444] Comedy.

[445] Yeah.

[446] He's gone completely digital.

[447] Really?

[448] Yeah, we got Joey on Twitter, and then Joey started really getting into it.

[449] For a while, like, fuck this MySpace face.

[450] Facebook, the fuck am I doing online?

[451] And then after, I'm not sending your fucking text message, Joe Rogan.

[452] You know, remember you had a whole video about you sending him text messages and he would get angry.

[453] We made a video about it.

[454] It was one of the, with one of the earliest videos that were called, that was a Death Squad one, right?

[455] What number was it?

[456] No, that was a Joe show, or Joey Diaz ready to die.

[457] Oh, Joey Diaz ready to die.

[458] God damn it.

[459] If you can find that, is that online somewhere?

[460] Yeah.

[461] What's his hell?

[462] Yeah, you got to, it's fucking, it's a brilliant, brilliant video.

[463] what's his health like joe is he is he was alive he's a science project he's where if joey dyes just sits you down and goes over all the substances dog all the years all the pink floyd albums i listen to motherfucker if he if he wouldn't go over his history you'd be like there's no way he could be alive how's this guy how's it possible it's not he's healthy as a horse joey dyes is a fucking savage he'll live to be a thousand it's amazing isn't he everything like his high school football players die on a field from dehydration yeah then you get guys who wake up every day think how can i kill myself today and there's still a lot well joey's really healthy now he lost a lot of weight too he lost like 80 pounds he lost a lot of weight because he got real big for a while and it sucked because like we would go places like we would go to the airport and like he hated when he had like a long walk to the rental car oh that's a bad sign yeah it's like you know he was getting big but He had, you know, and he didn't want to do it with surgery.

[464] He just did it with his will.

[465] He just got on Weight Watchers and slowly shed it away.

[466] How do you get on Weight Watchers on the road, though?

[467] How do you cook the shit and all?

[468] I think it's like they give you, like, a point system.

[469] I think the way it works is like, you know, pizza is X amount of points, and this is that amount of points.

[470] You get so many points a day.

[471] And they have it broken down where really healthy things are, like, very few points.

[472] Like, I think, like, celery is, like, zero points.

[473] You can just eat celery by itself all day.

[474] mostly water yeah you can't even it actually is really good for it cleans your cleans your poop shoot out oh that's good to know it's tremendous speaking of chivalta i uh i drank this kale shake that has a lot of celery and has five stalks of celery so i take every day five stocks of celery five stocks of celery a big bushel a big fucking leaf of kale um like the pears garlic ginger and it grinds it all a and makes it like a swallow like a like a soupy like pea soup very much like pea soup Were you in a cover of a magazine?

[475] Oh, I was on a couple of, of...

[476] Like with the way...

[477] Martial arts magazines.

[478] Yeah, I haven't seen that.

[479] I want to see it.

[480] Yeah.

[481] You're like split in half?

[482] You're like doing a split?

[483] Um, one of them, yeah.

[484] I think...

[485] I think I was throwing...

[486] No, you know what?

[487] On the black belt one?

[488] No, I was just standing there.

[489] You know, like a deat your pose and like, I looked really stupid.

[490] I should have never let them make me pose like that.

[491] They're like, once you're like, cross your arms, look at the camera, like, very serious.

[492] And so that's what I did.

[493] And then I was like, ew.

[494] What message is that?

[495] I should be smiling.

[496] Do you think you could beat the two of us if we just like charged you right now?

[497] I would hope I would never have to know.

[498] Yeah, how dushy do I look?

[499] And look at your old tattoo right there.

[500] Thank you.

[501] My poor tattoo is still there.

[502] I got to get it laser off to finish my right sleeve, the Aaron Delavadova sleeve.

[503] That's graphics bong, right?

[504] No, no, no. It was like a thing that I drew.

[505] It was like a demon with a Jester's mascot.

[506] It's so crazy because I always thought it was the graphics bong.

[507] It's like, damn, that dude loves fucking.

[508] It's so stupid.

[509] It's such a stupid little tattoo.

[510] Well, I was an artist.

[511] I actually drew that, you know?

[512] And when I was a kid, I used to draw a lot of demons with, like, hats and demons, like, demons with baseball hats on and shit, like, standing over little kids' beds.

[513] Oh, jeez.

[514] I used to draw some creepy shit.

[515] And I drew that, and so that was my first tattoo.

[516] I just noticed it says Joe Rogan Prue's fear is not a factor.

[517] Yeah.

[518] How young were you, Joe?

[519] I guess I was in my early 30s.

[520] Yeah.

[521] Because Fear Factor went on for like six years.

[522] Were you still in your 20s when I met you?

[523] Yes.

[524] Yeah, when we met I was really young.

[525] You and I met when we did Montreal together.

[526] We did Showtime.

[527] I think I was only like 24 or 25.

[528] And then we met in New York at the David Brenner's Pool.

[529] Yeah, yeah.

[530] We played pool together.

[531] We met at Amsterdam.

[532] And Dom's one of the few.

[533] I brought my cue today.

[534] Dom's one of those guys.

[535] We threaten to play each other like once a month.

[536] That's what we always say.

[537] We try to do it.

[538] But sometimes we'll go like years.

[539] Did you show me something?

[540] Oh, that's the one I was talking about.

[541] Now, if I was a gay man. Holy shit.

[542] I'd be into me. I just did a new thing for this Fighters Only magazine.

[543] Just did a more recent one where I don't look as good.

[544] What's the last fight you've been in, like a real fight?

[545] Like a fist fight?

[546] Like a street fight.

[547] since I was a teenager.

[548] Yeah, I avoid everything.

[549] Yeah, well, if you got to, you kill people the way you...

[550] Or you get stabbed or shot or guess what?

[551] There's a lot of people out there that know how to fight.

[552] They might beat your fucking ass.

[553] You know, the idea of going around getting in fights with people, it's like most, almost everything we could get along without that.

[554] Almost every situation in life can get along without someone beating the fuck out of somebody.

[555] Almost everyone.

[556] Well, that's what I was saying.

[557] Yeah.

[558] And when it's not.

[559] when you can't get along without it it's like well you're in the presence of some sort of a dangerous scary person who's not thinking clearly you know otherwise you think Brian like who do you think we win that fight Brian would uh he would just quit right away get out of breath he has this move right are you ticklish I don't know I mean seriously like if I go over there and just never got tickled by a guy what if I just give you a little tickler right in he just drops his pants and he opens up his butt and the vision is so horrific and his shirt falls down into his armpits so his gut hangs down and he's just opening up his assholes why he'll just run away you won't want none of that what he's willing to do to you yes and then you come close to him he'll try to lick you or something it's like you don't you don't want that you don't want that he'll just grab your face and just start licking you I'm glad I is he'll tongue kiss you he would tongue kiss you to get out of trouble he would tongue kiss you just grab you and just start make it out with you and you would run you would run you know Every animal has its own way of defending itself in its environment, you know, like active octopuses, they blend in.

[560] They become, they can become camouflaged, right?

[561] Yes.

[562] There's a lot of, a lot of animals.

[563] They blend in with the reef, right, Domirah?

[564] Yes, that's why.

[565] Nemo was so brightly colored.

[566] Is that why?

[567] So Nemo could blend in with the reef.

[568] I was hoping we get the Nemo by this point of show.

[569] I assume, well, that's a beautiful fish.

[570] Why would nature want something so brightly colored?

[571] Because it's cute.

[572] It's pretty fucking bizarre, man, when you think.

[573] about the colors that nature is chosen and stuck with as far as designs of things like tigers like a big giant crazy killing machine that's beautiful with like white and like different stripes to it it's not just like why does it have to have different stripes to it's obviously just fucking things up that's all this thing does like it's not worried about anybody like that thing has no natural predator so it's completely fearless so it's expressing itself as boldly as it wants to it's not hiding from shit it's on the the apex of the predators, you know?

[574] But why is it so beautiful?

[575] Why is it colored like that?

[576] Like, what benefit of natural selection was it that the tigers that made it to maturity and lived the longest and decided to, you know, outbreed the others were the ones that were brightly colored and beautiful?

[577] That's wild, man. You know how we find new species all the time?

[578] Wouldn't it be cool if we found, like, new colors once in a while?

[579] Like, we just found this new color.

[580] You blow your mind.

[581] Yeah, like if they just figure out, like, something that they can add, like, hard disk -spaced to your optical nerves and all of a sudden you see a broader spectrum of colors or just a different color like imagine because we grew up with all these colors but if you just threw a new color into the mix and it blew all the charts You know it's amazing that you guys smoke the pot doesn't seem to affect you I mean is it possible that there could be another color I don't know enough about colors I don't know because we have this whole graph like the color wheel and rainbows and shit to like go on as proof and like that's the only thing that's color a spectrum but what if we there's something just throws a wrench into that mix and then now we're like oh that yeah is i mean that has to have happened throughout history right where they thought they had shit and figured out right well how about those assholes that were using leeches oh how the fuck did that ever happen the bloodlettings they had doctors that were using leeches like they did actually they've gone to doctor school and like so leeches appear to help well how about blood letting joe yeah the worst thing you could fucking do for a sick person is left more blood out.

[582] Lobotomy.

[583] And they thought there was bad blood inside of them.

[584] Yeah, yeah.

[585] Poison blood.

[586] There was so much stupidity when it came to the human anatomy and how to fix things.

[587] They used leeches on black eyes for fire.

[588] They did.

[589] On the swollen eye, they put a leech.

[590] It would suck the blood out.

[591] Do you remember in Rocky that he couldn't see out of his eyes?

[592] Cut me, Mick.

[593] He actually asked him to cut him.

[594] Cut me, Mick.

[595] Cut me. What kind of nonsense is that?

[596] I've done that during sets.

[597] But isn't that ridiculous?

[598] Like, no one never done that.

[599] Why'd they put that in the movie?

[600] God damn it.

[601] Sly.

[602] I want some answers.

[603] Come on.

[604] Burgess Marrude is dead.

[605] That guy is fucking way bigger than everybody says he is.

[606] I am so tired of everybody telling me that Sylvester Stallone is like this little tiny guy.

[607] Like people have some weird thing to take guys like him and Tom Cruise go, yeah, well, he's only five foot one.

[608] Oh, yeah, right.

[609] Yeah, well, maybe he's got fucking billions and maybe he looks good at 70, but he's only fucking five foot three.

[610] But he does wear heels.

[611] I'm five foot eight, and he's bigger than me. me but he wears heels he's not whatever he's wearing he's a big guy i said i've met him a few times his physical width like he's a that's a thick dude man can i tell you what he said to me which is fucking hilarious what he said yeah well i met him at this thing the name drop was bruce willis was the opening in montreal for a plan in hollywood and very nicely though he comes up to me and i'm with sophie and he goes hey dumb i'm sly i don't know if i met you in uh paul risers thing and i go yeah sly i remember you i'm thinking in the back of my head I'm thinking, then da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da.

[612] This is fucking Rocky.

[613] This is Rambo.

[614] Do I remember you?

[615] You're fucking kidding me?

[616] I got a chance to interview him for one of the UFCs.

[617] He was, I think it was before the expendables or one of his movies.

[618] And I got a chance to interview him.

[619] And I was like, this is crazy.

[620] Because when I was a kid, I mean, how many people had told him this story?

[621] I saw his movie and then I went out and I ate raw eggs and ran around the block.

[622] Trying to catch a chicken.

[623] I ate raw eggs.

[624] I did.

[625] Just like he did it.

[626] I put on a sweatsuit and I ran around the block like a fucking idiot.

[627] I was so inspired.

[628] I hadn't done any martial arts training at all at this point.

[629] You know what?

[630] It was the perfect movie for that kind of inspiration.

[631] Oh, you know, it was so interesting how touching that simple movie could be.

[632] Yeah.

[633] There was some, we love watching someone try to pull something off.

[634] People love underdogs.

[635] Yeah.

[636] You know, I don't know if you know this, but the UFC light heavyweight champ.

[637] John Jones just got into a car accident.

[638] Do you know about this?

[639] No, he's okay.

[640] He was drunk, though.

[641] And apparently, allegedly, the story is that he's, at least, I don't, at least they arrested him for DUI.

[642] Okay, I don't know whether or not he was drunk.

[643] I don't know, I don't know the full particulars of the story.

[644] But so many people are like shitting on this kid, you know, and angry with them, as they should be for anybody who's driving drunk and anybody who loses control of their car and crashes into a tree but I think there's a little extra venom about this guy because he's so successful because he he's like it's come so easy to him and it's not easy obviously it's hard work but he's been like dominating all these people and I think we like to shoot people down when they get too big we like to look for the first flaw and this and make no mistake about it there's no like apology for what he's done because what he's done scares the fuck at me. The one thing that I'm terrified of is finding, you know, myself on the road and seeing someone who's drunk coming towards him who doesn't have control of their car.

[645] That's a, it's a terrible feeling.

[646] And we've seen drunks on the highway before.

[647] It's a, it's a scary, scary fucking thing.

[648] So this guy loses control of his car and slams into a pole.

[649] Whatever the fuck calls him to do that, that's bad.

[650] That's fucking real bad.

[651] But I think people are also like chipping away at this dude as a human because he's been so successful, so quick.

[652] And because he sort of tries to promote himself as like, you know, a God -fearing man and, you know, he tries to promote himself as like a good Christian.

[653] And because of that, you know, when he makes a mistake and does something fucked up, people like really go after him.

[654] Because you can't, it's very difficult when you set like a big example, you know, and you want to, you want to set an amazing path for kids.

[655] and then you do something like you you know you say that's what you're doing and you say you're going to be a hero for these kids and then boom you have this horrible situation yeah yeah well everybody's waiting for Tim Tebow to fail well yeah they're waiting for him to get pictures of him fucking a goat or something you know what I mean they would love that look I think it's it's the whole thing is it's a fucking tragedy and on the human the human personality the human the individual that allows themselves to get to a situation where they smash a car into a tree because they're fucked up on a drug.

[656] Yeah.

[657] It's scary because you're taking all of our lives at risk too with your your craziness.

[658] I just I just don't drive since the DUI.

[659] I had a DUI.

[660] I don't fucking drive.

[661] The appeal of Rocky is the same appeal that we all want to see somebody rise up and stop the unstoppable.

[662] Beat up a black guy.

[663] And when someone's really good, we want him to fail.

[664] We secretly wanted Tyson to fail before he failed.

[665] And then when he failed, people like, there was like a weight lifted off the world of like a million men.

[666] You like to see the bully knocked down.

[667] Yeah.

[668] And they're never the same.

[669] He was never the same after that.

[670] He never fought the same.

[671] He never had the same confidence.

[672] Well, I think he had, I think you could only maintain that sort of pace that he was doing.

[673] You could only, depending upon your personality, but it can only go for a few years.

[674] The amount of rage.

[675] It was menacing, was it?

[676] Oh, he was the best ever.

[677] He would come up.

[678] You know, everybody wants to say, but Ali, Ali was a great fighter, no doubt about it, Tyson was better.

[679] I really think Tyson was better.

[680] I think Tyson in his prime, like the Marvis Frazier Prime, I don't think, I don't think Ali would have been able to keep him off.

[681] I was ring side when he fought Lion, or Michael Spinks, Atlantic City.

[682] It was like upjumped the devil.

[683] It was like smoke was coming out of his nostrils.

[684] He took shit to a whole new level.

[685] It was unbelievable.

[686] There was a bunch of guys.

[687] when I, this was like, you know, I was a big boxing fan in high school and this was around that time that Tyson sort of rose to prom and it's like right when I was getting out of high school, it was like the cover of Sports Illustrated they called him Wonder Kid and he was 19 years old.

[688] 19, yeah, yeah, and he was just fucking smashing people.

[689] Can you imagine when he was like robbing purses?

[690] Oh, my God.

[691] That would have been?

[692] Oh, my God.

[693] He was such an amazing specimen, but he's also intelligent and just, but the physical speed that that guy had while maintaining, you know, 220, 200 and, you know, whatever pounds he was was incredible no we'd never had anybody that could punch that fast the marvis fraser fight is one of the worst maulings in a professional heavyweight fight ever of all time well i'll tell you what was bad randall cobb when he got beat by larry holmes that wasn't as bad we wanted him to go down we're all friends of him go down randall go down i know he couldn't no but it was horrible that was a that was a ferocious beating but you know what he did after that he went to school and got a master's degree you know that guy like he got out of boxing did acting and I don't know if he suffers anything from his yeah he does doesn't he you know you talk to him and he repeats himself it's no way around that man then you'll talk to him and repeat himself there's no way around that that's scary shit you know getting getting struck in the head on a repeated basis and there's a lot of guys that that suffer what they call pugilistic of dementia yeah yeah a lot of guys suffer that never even go pro just guys who have good gym fights well you know me Mae Mae Ali you know her yeah and she would tell me she goes because my father knows everything that's going on.

[694] His body's just failing him.

[695] But his mind is right there.

[696] He's, like, trapped in his body.

[697] Could you imagine, man?

[698] Well, you know, that's what cracks me about the football thing with, like, all the research they're doing on concussions.

[699] Of course they're concussions.

[700] Of course, of course.

[701] Every 40 seconds, they're, like, in a car accident.

[702] Yeah.

[703] Well, I don't know if it's that much, but it's pretty horrendous.

[704] Yeah.

[705] If you look at some of those.

[706] They've always, that's football.

[707] They used to call them dingers.

[708] What's the biggest linebacker they have now?

[709] Who's the biggest?

[710] I don't know.

[711] I don't know who the biggest.

[712] Give me like a, give me a big, big, fucking scary guy.

[713] Like 6 .5 for a linebacker, 270, 270, that'd be pretty big.

[714] You know, but fast, that's the thing.

[715] You have to remember they're fucking fast.

[716] And they're hitting you with a lot of speed.

[717] And they're super athletes.

[718] Yeah, they're super.

[719] You know, Hershal Walker still beating a fuck out of people.

[720] I know that?

[721] 48 years old?

[722] He was a phenomenon.

[723] Yeah.

[724] I mean, what a freak combination of like a, a. guy who's completely driven is a natural super athlete has incredible discipline he had multiple personality too yeah he came in with different personalities and therapy you heard about yeah i did hear about that fucking crazy wasn't that um supposedly trauma induced like oh i don't know i thought that that was one of the issues that this was something related to uh his football career yeah that i don't know but i just know that he imagine him coming in his big sue oh jesus christ hi big sue how you're feeling today.

[725] I'm going to look this up.

[726] What?

[727] Multiple personality?

[728] Yeah.

[729] You know, what I think it is, all of a sudden, I'm a therapist.

[730] But it's not, it's not a psychosis.

[731] It's a, it's an erotic disorder.

[732] An erotic.

[733] Erotic.

[734] No, neurotic.

[735] Oh, I thought you said erotic.

[736] I was like, hey, Dom.

[737] I find that very awry.

[738] My big skim not just listening to this year.

[739] Oh!

[740] Oh, dej.

[741] Multiple personality, trauma induced.

[742] Is that what it says?

[743] Uh, I know.

[744] I'm Googling that.

[745] Sorry.

[746] But I believe it did have.

[747] something to do with that yeah trauma induced yeah no kidding yeah this sort of usually has its roots in childhood trauma oh so it could be a emotional trauma too could be that yeah like sybil had that yeah okay remember civil yes very dear friend of mine her and bobby d and i used to get brunch Hey, Steppford Wives.

[748] Is that the Beverly Hills Hotel?

[749] Yeah, okay.

[750] Yeah, well, he's talking also about how he became a completely different guy when he was playing.

[751] That's wow.

[752] Brought out his rage, right?

[753] Yeah, he said his exact quote was, you don't want the Herschel that plays football babysitting your child.

[754] Isn't that crazy?

[755] I'll punt that baby.

[756] Could you imagine that coming out of Herschel Walker's mouth, how scary that would be?

[757] No. You do not want the Herschel that plays football babysitting your child.

[758] Even that he would think of that.

[759] It's scary.

[760] Yeah.

[761] Well, he's ruthless.

[762] I mean, I think to get that good at something, like as good as Herschel Walker was at football, I really do believe that madness and excellence are just next door in Amherst.

[763] I really do.

[764] I think in order to hit the levels of proficiency that those guys hit, like the true greats, like a guy like Jordan.

[765] Well, Jordan's a good example because he's fucking crazy.

[766] Yeah.

[767] He's one of those guys, like when he did his acceptance speech for the Hall of Fame, he was complaining about people who rejected him.

[768] Like instead of taking it going, hey, I'm number one, he came angry at it.

[769] Wow, that's so crazy.

[770] Yeah.

[771] Yeah, well, there's a lot of people that, you know, they never find peace.

[772] Their life is always chasing something, chasing, you know, a win, chasing a victory, chasing whatever the fuck it is.

[773] Do you love that about stand -up, Joe?

[774] Like, we can get better until we get fucking.

[775] conked on the head.

[776] It's true.

[777] But no matter what Jordan does, no matter what nutrition, he can go visit the monks in Nepal, nothing's going to make him Michael Jordan again.

[778] Yeah, the physical body wanes a lot quicker than the mind, but we're going to be shitting our pants and dying in fear just like him.

[779] Hey, he'll be walking me. You'll come and visit me at the home before I'll come and visit you.

[780] Well, who knows?

[781] Who knows how we all go, but it's not going to be good.

[782] But Hershal Walker is at 48 years old It's fucking shredded Shredded I don't know if he's gonna fight again But he's had a bunch of MMA fights I think he's had three Well he's the one that used to like 2 ,000 sit -ups And a thousand places Still does that crazy shit He does all calisthenics He's just fucking Just a freak He's so goddamn strong He takes these guys like I mean he's good He's physically talented Like I know he's like a black belt And some martial art karate Or Taekwendo or something along those lines So he physically knows how to kick and punch and then you know he's been training at aka which is a big gym up in san jose one of the like big gyms in the country as far as mma is concerned like josh kosh check came out of there john fitch um a lot of good guys like real good gilbert melendez uh no excuse me josh thompson rather uh came out of there gilbert melendez and him just fought this uh past weekend fucking incredible fight holy shit that was amazing when do you announce a fight again uh this weekend this upcoming weekend where is it Vegas fuck I love it I think you're so fucking good at that it's fun well thanks it's uh it's I don't make it I only make it the Sammy Maudlin show but you really you really break it down and you make people understand it like I told you that before it's like so much fun because you're enthusiasm but you know what you're talking about but you're not above like I don't even know what the fuck some guys are talking about he threw a right clasanga you know they're making it's a little of that that goes on where they gets like real sports specific also like he hit him with the three two and you know dig in with the five like come on how many motherfuckers out there watching at home know what a five is you know i don't know it's it's it's but punches are one is the jab two is a straight right hand three is a left hook four is right up depending on so what's the five i don't know so i can't probably a liver hook i don't know i even know what it is you can't go that far and not tell me the five joe and well he you know they'll go as far as uh like trying too hard you get a lot of like sports guys that do that They'll, like, try too hard to, like, use the correct phrases.

[783] They'll say, like, exotic shape, but they'll get it wrong.

[784] Like, this is a Camura.

[785] What's, no, no, that's, it's America Hana.

[786] It's completely, you know, it's a different situation.

[787] See how the grip is.

[788] It's totally different.

[789] But, you know, they're calling it out anyway because it sounds like the cool sports guy thing to know.

[790] The Omopata is a good one.

[791] There's a guy named Waltz, I don't know how to say that.

[792] There's a guy named Walt Frazier, who's an old guy who's played for the Knicks, and he announces Knicks games, and he does that.

[793] Yeah, it was, you know, juxtaposition.

[794] I'll be imperialistic.

[795] Get out of here, bitch.

[796] It was like, come on.

[797] Is there anything grosser?

[798] Remember when Dennis Miller used to make references, like to the Tigers and Euphrates River?

[799] Yeah.

[800] These fucking guys in Pittsburgh are watching a game drinking.

[801] But what's you talking about?

[802] The one?

[803] Dennis Miller had the weirdest act going on for a long time like that.

[804] But this was when he was on Monday Night Football I'm talking about.

[805] Oh, yeah.

[806] Well, he pissed a lot of people off on that, didn't he?

[807] Yeah.

[808] Because he was trying to, like, insert jokes into it.

[809] Yeah, but I mean, also with his references and, you know, like one time I did a thing.

[810] I enjoy him.

[811] his first two specials.

[812] Oh, he's a good comedian.

[813] Like his first, before he became all crazy right winger, he got a little deep end, after 9 -11 -ish, he went a little pro -bush -ish.

[814] But you go back to like his earlier stuff.

[815] He's fucking, is a very funny comic.

[816] You know, it's amazing.

[817] I was asking a writer, and you know the guy.

[818] I'm going to say I'm on the air.

[819] But he wrote for Dennis, John Stewart, and Bill Moore, and he said by far Dennis was the most decent guy to work with.

[820] He's a great guy to talk to.

[821] I've done his radio show a few times.

[822] He's a great guy to talk to.

[823] talk.

[824] Yeah, he is.

[825] You know, I would, there's a lot of guys that I enjoy talking to.

[826] Like, there's a guy named Sam Harris that I had on the podcast, and he's very much like, I thought he was, he's a, he's a brilliant dude, but he shares a lot of, like, a lot of the same sort of ideas that a lot of right -wing people share, like about, like, the good ideas about war and the good things that we're doing by going over to these other countries.

[827] And the, ignoring and minimalizing all the bad shit and ignoring and minimizing all the damage that it does to these societies and the fact that people are profiting from it see i would just like it explained to me like the way i was saying you explain the martial arts yeah or a m a rather uh i was just like somebody explained to me why we're in afghanistan what what the whole purpose i don't know i still don't fucking it's it's a massive mind fuck if you really sit down with someone who uh tells you on one side that it's an important thing as far as stabilizing that region and keeping al -Qaeda from getting a stronghold and blah -blah -b -da -b -da -b -da -you know you can listen to that and you go wow okay i see the point you know maybe maybe our military's working hard to keep us safe and they know better than us and you know that's why they're there and they know there's a threat there but then when you look at it on the other side and you go you know you talk to someone who is very educated in the history of the ways of this country and they explain to you what's most likely going on is that there's resources over there that we need to control whatever the fuck it is.

[828] Yeah, the Russians couldn't beat them.

[829] They could walk there.

[830] Yeah.

[831] Well, we're, apparently, we're supposed to leave now.

[832] You know, that's what Obama's saying.

[833] You know, Obama's having these things while he's running for re -election where he's sitting down with Karzai, who, by the way, Karzai's brother got, he got somehow or not that he got busted being in cahoots with the opium dealers down in Afghanistan's, and he was getting CIA money.

[834] So this guy was like working with the opium trade, getting CIA money.

[835] And he's the brother, the president of Afghanistan.

[836] Of course.

[837] It's all crooked.

[838] But it's amazing how it's you don't even have to look for, it's not like six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

[839] It's like his fucking brother is in the heroin.

[840] There's no degrees.

[841] It's right there.

[842] You know what, man?

[843] I don't know.

[844] I don't know.

[845] I look at both sides, both arguments of the pro argument is very shaky, in my opinion.

[846] And I can understand a Saddam Hussein paranoia.

[847] But the Afghanistan, my brother Joe's a colonel in the Marines.

[848] I think the thing is the worried about Al -Qaeda, taking control of the Arab Taliban, taking control of the resources.

[849] Apparently the idea is that there's a lot of money to be made in that country.

[850] They don't have oil though.

[851] They have a lot of minerals.

[852] A lot of millions of dollars in minerals.

[853] And there's natural gas.

[854] That's what the Soviets were trying to control.

[855] And then there's the opium trade that people don't want to believe it.

[856] But that's the reality is the poppies, the production has gone up through the fucking roof since America occupied.

[857] I mean, all the statistics are available online.

[858] You know, you can look at it.

[859] People don't want to believe it, but they're not stopping it.

[860] No one in the United States that goes over there, none of those army guys are stopping the production of poppies.

[861] In fact, they're guarding poppy fields, and that's a fact.

[862] Americans are guarding poppy fields?

[863] That's hilarious.

[864] People don't believe it.

[865] Brian, pull that shit up because we've had this on the podcast before.

[866] Unfortunately, if people have heard about this before, It's a nutty situation.

[867] I don't, and a lot of that stuff, you know, I don't know what they use it for.

[868] If it's for pharmaceutical drugs, which that is a legitimate use for bagels.

[869] For that stuff.

[870] Or if it's getting sold right into the heroin market, I don't fucking know.

[871] But to pretend that this isn't a factor, these trillions of dollars, oh, please, conspiracy theory, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[872] You're talking about something that generates just fucking insane amounts of money.

[873] Insane amounts of money.

[874] And I wonder how much it had, how much pressure, something like this, like some sort of a business, venture like this has on the introduction and the legalization of other drugs in this country.

[875] You know, the only way they could pull off a heroin deal like this is if heroin's illegal.

[876] So everything gets moved in under the table.

[877] Everything gets snuck in through, you know, pre -arranged shipping routes.

[878] Everything's clandestine.

[879] You know, that's really the only way to do it because otherwise other people are going to do it.

[880] Are we still getting opium from Afghanistan?

[881] Of course we are.

[882] We must be.

[883] Where's it going?

[884] Well, look, they're making 90 plus percent of the world's opium in Afghanistan.

[885] 90 plus percent.

[886] That's insane.

[887] I mean, just that number alone is almost like a joke.

[888] It's almost like this is a comic book.

[889] And we find out that the bad guy lives in a place where all the opium is.

[890] And we've got to let these people grow.

[891] The bad guy is the opium.

[892] How about that?

[893] The opium takes care of the schools, just like in Botswana, the diamonds to help them.

[894] You want to find the enemy in Afghanistan?

[895] It's heroin.

[896] That's the enemy.

[897] but if you like it go for it especially if you're a musician because they make good shit when they're on heroin a lot of them do yeah you know Eric Clapton was best when he was on heroin yeah I mentioned Hendricks before but apparently I've been corrected that Hendricks didn't do heroin until after he made his music he put out his studio albums and then he started fucking around with heroin is that what he died on overdone no um he died on a bunch of shit man and so there's a lot of people that believe that he was murdered like his former manager as a roadie and the roadie just released a book about it the roadie I think was also in a band himself when he was younger like the animals or something like that oh yeah and this I think that's the story and anyway the roadie apparently said that Jimmy had a really fucking dangerous manager and his manager was like mom connected and shit and he did a lot of fucked up things And one of the things he claims he did was kidnapped Jimmy Hendricks.

[898] His own manager had guys kidnapped Jimmy and leave him in a hotel for three days, and then he rescued him, in quotes, to show him how powerful he is, how he can get anything done.

[899] And they all like, please, we didn't know he was with you.

[900] And this guy, like, you stay with me, Jimmy, I'll protect you from these guys.

[901] Well, apparently he also had like, you know, there was a big life insurance policy that they're saying was on Jimmy Hendricks.

[902] down that, the veracity of that, I don't know, you'd have to check.

[903] I'm not really into it enough that I'm on Wikipedia, the latest.

[904] Who's the guy who died in the 60s?

[905] Who the fuck knows, you know?

[906] But the other thing was that Jimmy Hendricks girlfriend at the time, she was killed.

[907] Somebody threw her off the top of a roof, of a building somewhere in New York.

[908] But the speculation was that that had to do with Jimmy Hendrix's death.

[909] You know, if you wanted to paint a beautiful conspiracy mystery, that's how you, you would go with it whether or not that's true or not my favorite conspiracy was going back to michael jordan they said that because he didn't pay a lot of his uh golf bets oh yeah well that was a big thing that his father was killed over that oh my god yeah that's father was killed in north carolina oh my god i said that was connected to that who you know who knows oh so many conspiracy theories but holy shit is that scary but he was a big gambler i know that well i know there was a an article that was written in like esquire or one of those it was Esquire or maybe Vanity Fair.

[910] I don't remember what magazine it was, but it was an article that was written by a guy who was a golf hustler who Michael Jordan owed like a half a million dollars.

[911] Yeah, he never paid up.

[912] I heard he goes to places and buys and has dinner and doesn't pay.

[913] Oh, wow.

[914] Just because he graced him with his presence.

[915] Wow.

[916] Really?

[917] Doesn't tip.

[918] They call Scotty Pippin' no tip in Pippin.

[919] Yeah, I heard that.

[920] That's so unfortunate.

[921] Yeah.

[922] It's amazing that a guy can get so successful and still be so self -ful.

[923] you know maybe it's just he works so fucking hard that he just thinks everybody else is shit he's he's such a hard -working badass motherfucker that everybody else like bitch you want money for serving me right the irony is he has the worst team in the history of basketball this year oh he owns a team now right bobcats and they were the worst team ever wow he went from the being the arguably the greatest player to the worst general manager ever a wonder if he's Do you think he's not a good owner?

[924] Or do you think it just doesn't have good?

[925] I think he's got that syndrome where, you remember the Al Capone thing where everybody would laugh when he laughed and stop when he stopped?

[926] I think he has that.

[927] A lot of yes people around him.

[928] So nobody says no. So he makes moves that he doesn't really know what he's doing.

[929] But there's nobody to confront him.

[930] Nobody has the balls to confront him.

[931] I think that's part of the problem.

[932] Yeah.

[933] That's the thing that people always look for.

[934] People always look for sycophants.

[935] You know, when you want to see a guy who's falling apart, you look towards a sycophants.

[936] And if you want to insult guys, you call them sycophants, you know, which is always hilarious.

[937] Like, guys can't be friends.

[938] No, if one guy is more successful than the other, well, the rest are just sycophants.

[939] Yeah, yeah.

[940] In the morons mind, that that's the conversation that comes up.

[941] So that, you know, that's, like, demeaning to, like, all the other guys that hang out with a guy, you know.

[942] Yeah.

[943] Do you find people change towards you in some ways?

[944] Like, in what way?

[945] What do you mean?

[946] Well, deferring to you because they think they can get something or anything.

[947] Well, there's going to always be people that are weird, man, that just, they're, they're trying to hustle.

[948] They're trying to, you know, sell something.

[949] They want to get close to you because they think it'll be advantageous to them.

[950] And, you know, there's people that they give it away, man. They give it away quick.

[951] I just find that people kind of hit on me for stuff that I really don't.

[952] I can't write them a strong act.

[953] Right.

[954] And Don, you think you should don't write with me?

[955] Yeah, you're right.

[956] It's just funny.

[957] But, I mean, sometimes I think people want stuff that I'm not even powerful enough to give them.

[958] You know, one thing would it be cool to do, and I have thought about doing this before, I think it would be really kind of a fun thing.

[959] To have guys like you and me and maybe Stan Hope or, you know, someone else weird along those lines, have, like, a series of guys, have Joey Diaz do some, and Ari Shafir do some.

[960] And have it so comics will have, like, a meeting at the, like, the, you know, the improv on like Saturday and like five in the afternoon and we'll just answer any questions wouldn't that be great?

[961] Do you imagine if you were a guy who'd been doing comedy a year and you could talk to the U of today just to ask you what do you do to what do you do how do you get started what do you write about how do you write do you write it down do you write bullet points what do you do you practice it do you practice it in order do you practice alone at home or only on stage you do the same order every time I had a guy asked me and was so disappointed that I just told them the reality He said, how do you get on like the Tonight Show on those kind of shows?

[962] I said, well, the first you know, the most important thing is very hard to write those sets.

[963] Because I'm like you, I'm more free form and I don't like to write tight sets.

[964] Right.

[965] But it's hard.

[966] And I said, you know, you really have to write him and, you know, construct them so that they're only five minutes.

[967] And he goes, you've got a right?

[968] And I go, well, yeah, what do you think you do?

[969] Call up the president and show business and ask him for a favor?

[970] You got it right?

[971] What the fuck?

[972] I didn't expect that.

[973] Yeah.

[974] Some people, People don't like writing.

[975] I break in my head.

[976] I've done that before, and I'm not nearly as prolific.

[977] I've got to sit down.

[978] Perilific.

[979] Well, because you're working so much, too.

[980] You were so busy with that.

[981] Well, it's not my, you know, it seems like a lot of work, but everything that I do is fun.

[982] So it doesn't seem like work at all.

[983] But it's still time consuming.

[984] It's time consuming.

[985] I mean, it's very hard to crack the starting lineup.

[986] Don't you think?

[987] Like, you just got to do it.

[988] Like, the harder it is for me, the better you get and the more strong shit you have, the harder it is to break the store.

[989] line up because you're thinking, oh, fuck, I don't want to put that in.

[990] It's not strong enough.

[991] Well, once you get it down, like, you get like an opening bit or a whole chunk down like fucking hardened Japanese samurai sword just fold it over and tang, tang, we just polish that bitch down to it's lethal, till it's just, to it's perfect, you know, you don't want to let it go, but unfortunately, you have to.

[992] It's no other way.

[993] Yeah.

[994] We're doing a show here at the Ice House Wednesday night.

[995] Do you do anything Wednesday?

[996] I have one spot at the store.

[997] What's up?

[998] 10 o 'clock show.

[999] We're doing a show here.

[1000] I'll come out.

[1001] Will you do a set?

[1002] Sure.

[1003] What time is your spot at the store?

[1004] 10 o 'clock.

[1005] Will I make it?

[1006] Yeah, you could do it just late.

[1007] If you just do your set there and then if the store's not too late, the store is sometimes running late.

[1008] No, I can get on.

[1009] Well, we sometimes don't even start at 10 o 'clock.

[1010] We'll start like 10, 10.

[1011] We're crazy.

[1012] What's going to go to?

[1013] It'll go to at least midnight, right?

[1014] Yeah.

[1015] Well, if you come, you know, and I'm already already on stage, I'll bring on stage.

[1016] All right.

[1017] And we can fuck around.

[1018] Okay.

[1019] Or you just do your actor.

[1020] I mean, I'll introduce you at any time.

[1021] Anytime you get here, we'll throw you up.

[1022] That'll be awesome.

[1023] What is it, a benefit?

[1024] No, we're fucking around.

[1025] Oh, yeah.

[1026] We're going to have a podcast at 9 to 10, and that's May 23rd if you're listening.

[1027] We, um, yeah.

[1028] So if you're listening to this later and you want to come down the ice house and stock us.

[1029] Can I plug a couple days?

[1030] Please do.

[1031] I got Atlanta, June 15th and 16th that they get is the punchline.

[1032] Oh, great club.

[1033] And, uh, one of the big gig for me because it goes to Philly is June.

[1034] 30th, I'm at the Tropicana in the big room upstairs.

[1035] Tropicana, Atlantic City?

[1036] Yeah, which I love.

[1037] Do you love Atlantic City?

[1038] Well, for me, so, you know, all the fucking, we got all the fucking Italians coming from Hamilton, the mayor and everybody.

[1039] Well, you know, you're one of those guys that you never stuck with the same act.

[1040] You know, you're not one of those guys where you go see him like three years later, and you'll see the same shit verbatim.

[1041] You're always, it's always writing.

[1042] You're always...

[1043] I fucking try.

[1044] You love it.

[1045] You love it.

[1046] You're a real comic, man. You're a real craftsman, you know.

[1047] You could not have picked a better occupation.

[1048] It's not like Don Herrera should have been a plumber, should have been an electrician, should have been a doctor, whatever the fuck it was.

[1049] That's the one thing good about my lack of talent and many things.

[1050] It's easier for me to focus.

[1051] Well, you've always loved comedy, man. I mean, since the moment I met you, like, we've had, like, so many conversations about comedy, and I've got to see you always working on shit and tightening shit.

[1052] Like, you mean, there's some guys, and we all know, though.

[1053] They just kind of, it comes a point in time, they just start phoning it in.

[1054] But you never hit that.

[1055] You know, you never hit that.

[1056] You're always, even say that too.

[1057] You're always saying, like, I'm trying to get better.

[1058] Like, that's in your head all the time.

[1059] Absolutely.

[1060] If you're not getting better, you're getting worse.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] You don't stay at the one spot.

[1063] And what the fuck are you doing if you're not getting better?

[1064] You know, what the fuck are you doing?

[1065] Why are you wasting your time?

[1066] That's why I do so many sets.

[1067] Yeah.

[1068] You know, that's, you know.

[1069] It's fun, too.

[1070] It's a fun thing to do.

[1071] Make people laugh is a fun time.

[1072] You know, we're the luckiest human thing.

[1073] New rules.

[1074] One of my favorite I wish you could reenact that bit I'd love that bit That was a labor of love that bit That was a bit that I That was a bit that I What's her name?

[1075] Anna Nicole Smith And Nicole Smith Yeah That was a bit that I was actually Forbidden From saying at the comedy store Really?

[1076] Mitsy came up to me once That's weird That's not funny Even a long She's really Show your fucking neck got longer Yeah When you went new rules The joke was about You know Everybody was like Oh my God Anna Nicole Smith.

[1077] She's marrying this old billionaire that's so horrible like what she's doing is so terrible.

[1078] She's taking advantage of him and my joke is don't you think he fucking knows.

[1079] He's 90 years old.

[1080] He made a billion dollars from scratch.

[1081] Chances are the dude's a tad crafty.

[1082] And it was him getting her to do all this crazy fucked up shit or he wouldn't give her money and it just kept kidding nuttier nuttier as he was dying.

[1083] He wanted her to lick his ass while he's dying, screaming, it's like, it was one of my favorite bits to do because it was like, it was, it felt justified.

[1084] Right, right.

[1085] You could get away with it.

[1086] I didn't know you were told not to do that.

[1087] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1088] So then how did new rules come in when he would do something perverted?

[1089] Oh, yeah.

[1090] You can't do this in the hospital?

[1091] Yeah, she says, he goes, lick my ball.

[1092] And she says, sugar, I would love to stay here and be with you.

[1093] But the visiting hours between nine and 11, he goes, no, I just bought the hospital.

[1094] new rules lick my balls 24 hours a day I love that fucking bit he would he would be in a wheelchair man and she would be standing over him this insanely hot big -titted guest model and you just look at it and go oh my god that fucking body she had just this insane fuck body you know giant Jane Mansfield when those early pictures like when she was in Playboy or whatever the fuck she did You look at her body, you go, Jesus Christ, with a body that woman had.

[1095] Just all voluptuous and legs and, you know, like you and I like dumb.

[1096] We don't like no skinny broads.

[1097] I like a little meat on the bone.

[1098] I like a girl that can take a good fucking because you know, I deliver.

[1099] Oh, I know.

[1100] Oh.

[1101] I like to bang a head into the wall the whole time.

[1102] I like to deliver.

[1103] Oh!

[1104] Sounds like him.

[1105] That's my best impression.

[1106] He's one of my best impressions, right?

[1107] I went to a strip club in Cleveland, and it was one of the most, like, the name of the club was, what, hold on sorry, the name of the club was a, uh, uh, sexy secret or something like that.

[1108] Something secret.

[1109] Sexy secret.

[1110] There's something secret.

[1111] And, uh, it was, so I walk in and, and, and I was the only white person in the whole entire club said like the secret was, I was, you know, that I, but it was crazy.

[1112] Sexy secret.

[1113] Seeky, we go rob you.

[1114] But I immediately got swarmed.

[1115] Like it was like zombie style.

[1116] Like one by one, all the strippers like looked over and it's like, wow, white guy.

[1117] And it like came over.

[1118] And at one point I had like two girls on each like lap.

[1119] One girl giving me a massage.

[1120] Wait a minute.

[1121] You can't support two girls on each leg.

[1122] That's ridiculous.

[1123] That's a lot of weight.

[1124] Huh?

[1125] Two girls on each leg.

[1126] So you got four girls on your lap.

[1127] No, no, two.

[1128] I'm sorry.

[1129] A girl on each leg.

[1130] Oh.

[1131] I'm sorry.

[1132] I meant two girls.

[1133] Two girls.

[1134] One on each leg.

[1135] Yeah.

[1136] One on each leg.

[1137] That's a lot of weight too.

[1138] That hurts after a while.

[1139] That's not funny.

[1140] Yeah, and you can't act like it hurts.

[1141] They weren't very big.

[1142] Move a little, honey.

[1143] Your ass is bony.

[1144] Yeah, she, you go to step up, your fucking left leg numb.

[1145] Right.

[1146] Fall down and smash your face in the cocktail glass.

[1147] But they just, like, took turns, like, putting their butts in my face.

[1148] And, like, it was so much butt.

[1149] Like, I felt butt juice on my arms, like, it was moisturizer or something like that after a while.

[1150] It was so hot in there.

[1151] But anyways, yeah, check out a black strip club in the ghetto sometime.

[1152] It's pretty weird.

[1153] You okay.

[1154] What?

[1155] No, it's really interesting.

[1156] Blood juice.

[1157] Did you?

[1158] So you let them sort of get butt juice on you all over the place?

[1159] The thing is, you know how you go to like a normal strip club, like what you're used to?

[1160] And it's like it's all about like big boobs, perfect body, nice butt or something.

[1161] There it was all about huge fucking bubble asses.

[1162] Like just girls, normal looking girls, but with like I think butt implants or something, it was all about butts.

[1163] Can I ask you something?

[1164] Have you ever been officially diagnosed?

[1165] I went to a strip club in Philly And his black chick asked me for a lap dance And I said, no thanks And she said, you're a racist And the bouncer was black, big guy And he knew me And I go, what'd she go, what'd you say?

[1166] I said, she said, he was racist And what the fact that I don't think you're hot?

[1167] How rude?

[1168] Yeah, how does that make me raise it?

[1169] I have a new thing to say to...

[1170] Meanwhile, there you are, hold on to say Because meanwhile, there you are arguing with a stripper You can never win.

[1171] I've been a new thing to say.

[1172] say when a stripper like what's happened in my life you go i would love it but actually you look so much like my sister and that will freak me out oh that's good so i said it like 14 times wow that's good oh my god that guy i think he's really cute and he totally wanted to dance but i look like his sister and that is kind of creepy yeah that motherfucker he said i look like his sister and they'll start a fight in the dressing room and then i'll come out and fucking shank you maybe you were like that close to death and you don't even know no I think I was fine it was it was pretty amazing though how they just swarmed to me like all these other guys are kind of getting pissed because I really dudes are getting pissed yeah is this in Cleveland it was by the flats I forget the name of it because I know a strip club there a friend of mine gave like this girl like a thousand dollars because she said she was studying classical music some shit she believed him or he believed her really Can you imagine?

[1173] She was studying, like, the oboe or something.

[1174] You know, some high flute and musical school, I can't even remember the name, but Julia Art or something.

[1175] You know, it's like, give me a fucking break, you know.

[1176] How many girls do, like, are strippers and have, like, high -functioning jobs on top of that?

[1177] Not many.

[1178] Do you know there was, like, there's, like, a chick who got fired from somewhere.

[1179] I forget where she got fired from.

[1180] But she writes for, like, a local page.

[1181] I think it was like the Houston Chronicle or something like that and she was she was writing a column But she was also like on the side she was a stripper and they found out so they fired her Somebody like turned her in so they fired her I you know what I think I would be if I was a woman and one some extra cash Well first of all anybody that would turn her in like that like I guess it's a if it's a moral thing You're a cunt why why you turn her in like yeah there's no upside why you why you getting her fired She's a bad person you know she's just out there hustler What do you give a fuck?

[1182] Just keep it yourself and now you can go see her naked.

[1183] What's wrong with you?

[1184] Right?

[1185] If you got a weird thing with somebody, the best thing it is, go visit them while they're naked.

[1186] Right?

[1187] Yeah, you can resolve that shit.

[1188] I got a stripper bit.

[1189] You know my stripper bit?

[1190] Like I'm serious.

[1191] Brian's like, really?

[1192] Yeah, man. I'm trying to break down.

[1193] I'm trying to break down like the whole stripper and boyfriend relationship.

[1194] I'm trying to break it down, Brian.

[1195] I'm trying to like, you know, you.

[1196] You have to have a certain mentality if you're going to date a girl as an active stripper.

[1197] You really got to be able to let things go.

[1198] You got to let things go.

[1199] Well, how about those dudes that date porn stars?

[1200] Oh, that's disgusting.

[1201] You're only allowed to fuck while you're at work.

[1202] You can't fuck on the side.

[1203] Yeah.

[1204] I'm the boss around here.

[1205] They have rules like that.

[1206] You're allowed to fuck people, but only while you're working.

[1207] So these dudes just working all day.

[1208] Imagine she's a mother, too, like the mother of your children.

[1209] A lot of them are.

[1210] A lot of them are.

[1211] You know, there's girls that They have babies And then look, what are they going to do?

[1212] They can make a lot of money doing porn Or they can make no money not doing porn So they either do porn Or they go into do feature dancing It's a fucking grind out there, man, for everybody You know?

[1213] And if you're a chick that's banked on your looks You know, there's guys that They think they're going to be professional pitchers And their fucking elbow blows out Everybody makes a risky RISky gamble in this life We're all one pitch away Yeah, we are Yeah, if you look at it that way, don't Joe Rogan.

[1214] I try to be as fair as possible, don't you?

[1215] Yeah, absolutely.

[1216] It's what my life's about.

[1217] Fairness, the balance of justice.

[1218] Yeah, a balance of justice.

[1219] That's a good way of putting it, you know.

[1220] I got offered to go in a coal mine.

[1221] It was a mile and a half deep.

[1222] I declined it, but he was telling me how you travel on this thing.

[1223] I forget where you lay back and you're laying on your back and you just go down this hole slowly, you know, you know a mile down or something and he's like dude if you want to go we can totally do this whenever you want to you know whoa and I was like fuck no I would I would rather not do I'd rather try to commit suicide than do that that sounds scary as fuck yeah yeah why are people into doing things that are really terrifying I don't know I don't think they have a choice yeah coal miners are can you imagine being a coal miner in no way that's a different piece of there was a show that they had on spike that I only could watch one episode because it freaked me out so bad it was call I think it was called coal.

[1224] It was a reality show about coal mining.

[1225] It's fucking terrifying.

[1226] They're deep, deep inside this fucking mountain hoping it doesn't do this.

[1227] Boom!

[1228] They're pulling out giant chunks of it, so they're going to make it brittle.

[1229] You know how brittle coal is anyway, man?

[1230] When you feel coal, you know how brittle coal is?

[1231] Coal breaks.

[1232] It's not like it's not steel.

[1233] You know, when you feel it like, you can chew into it with those machines and they pull it out of there.

[1234] It can crack and move and shit.

[1235] How about the guys that were down there in Chile?

[1236] Yeah.

[1237] They were beaten off.

[1238] Was that like a month or something?

[1239] Didn't they send them flashlights?

[1240] They're beaten off?

[1241] Is it really?

[1242] No. What the fuck?

[1243] Can you imagine?

[1244] Here's water and here.

[1245] Fuck this.

[1246] There's a candle so you can look each other in the eye while you're doing it.

[1247] I got some butter for the canary.

[1248] You got to kind of clean it off, though, so save the water.

[1249] Remember the one guy had a wife and a girlfriend?

[1250] They found out when he was still down there.

[1251] Once he was in the hole.

[1252] He's, the guy's bawling.

[1253] What are you going to do?

[1254] you imagine being in a situation where that's the only way you could feed your family is to be you have to go to work in a mine I mean that's it's really scary shit to be like one of the people that's responsible for like pulling chunks out of the earth so that we can use it when you look at like humans in the relationship that we have to the earth it's so parasitic and strange and we never consider it that way we look at it as natural resources but if you look at the earth is like a living organism we've got to go inside of it and pull shit out of it that we use to light the things on fire on the surface.

[1255] We will literally have our whole society run on the blood of the earth.

[1256] The whole thing's run on oil.

[1257] Everything has run on some black liquid that is fucking trillions of gallons of it inside the earth and we're sucking it out.

[1258] And we're pretty sure it's finite.

[1259] It has to be finite.

[1260] We don't even know what's going to happen if it is finite.

[1261] What happens?

[1262] The earth's going to implode?

[1263] What's going to light on fire?

[1264] What the fuck's going to happen?

[1265] Is it going to spin faster and days will go shorter?

[1266] We'll die instantly who the fuck knows that's bad science ladies gentlemen i don't believe in any of that i don't want to get any angry twitter messages the twilight zone remember the morning sun the one in the episode where they thought it was getting hotter every day and because the earth had fallen out of its elliptical orbit and was coming closer and closer to the sun and it was everything then finally the painting started melting and they knew it was over holy shit wakes up and she finds out it's just the opposite the earth is going farther away from the sun And every day it's getting colder.

[1267] So it just shows the relative to the fragile existence, which we have.

[1268] Anyway, I've been Domarer.

[1269] You guys have been great.

[1270] I like to bum a crowd out.

[1271] A lot of guys to go for the left, not me. It is true, though, that we live in a delicate balance.

[1272] I mean, think about, we don't experience it here in California, but when I lived in Boston or anybody on the East Coast knows, there's a vast difference between what it's like to go outside in January and when it's like to go outside in August.

[1273] It's a fucking world of difference.

[1274] I'd rather have January.

[1275] Would you really?

[1276] Well, then I'd rather be in 10 degrees than 110 for sure.

[1277] Really?

[1278] Oh, yeah.

[1279] That's interesting.

[1280] Is that because of just, you've spent too much time out here?

[1281] Because I'm a fat pig and I hate myself.

[1282] Did I remind you?

[1283] No, I just never, I never like heat.

[1284] Really?

[1285] Yeah, hot tubs, saunas.

[1286] I like it.

[1287] I like it hot.

[1288] You like Vegas in the summer?

[1289] No, that's too hot.

[1290] That's crazy.

[1291] That's silly.

[1292] That's different planet hot.

[1293] I like 90 degrees.

[1294] I like going outside of it's 90 degrees, especially East Coast 90 degrees.

[1295] degrees because it's funky and sweaty i think it's healthy i think it's good for you i like 50 degrees with a with a thong on a couple boiled potatoes down on clogs and a guinea tea dirty toenails i got dirty toenails big hot big afro wig toilet paper all over my chest that's an image you'll never forget sorry i started the show with that it's not just not that i'd never forget it's just we could all relate yeah what everyone could have seen themselves in that situation Especially if you didn't get expected to get, you know, woken up.

[1296] Oh, geez.

[1297] What are we doing?

[1298] Where are we going?

[1299] That's a good album cover if you're ever having to.

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] It would be hilarious if it was the actual photo if you realized it.

[1302] And you said, oh, my God, here, hold my camera.

[1303] Take a picture of this.

[1304] I'll just remember him pointing at it.

[1305] What's that?

[1306] Look, a paper all over up to my neck.

[1307] That is hilarious.

[1308] Loads.

[1309] How much of our time on this earth is spent devising new ways to get rid of loads?

[1310] I would say you had 35 to 40%.

[1311] I mean, think about some of the relationships that you had were really just exchanges from a load extracting contractor.

[1312] Yep.

[1313] You know, it's like there's relationships that guys have, especially like young men early on in life when you're essentially, you know, you're like a vampire that must feed.

[1314] And you only have so long where you can go before you start going crazy.

[1315] You start dating somebody, like I'm pretty close to feeding.

[1316] Here we go.

[1317] And then once you get close enough so you can actually have sex.

[1318] the time you do that most of us have already compromised our position considerably and the relationship that we've agreed to and relented to is completely not what we're looking for you know we just we just had to get some sex in you know it's impossible to avoid so we tried to pretend to be the guy that you wanted us to be because that's the way you get late you know it becomes a junky situation you know it becomes a situation where you're making irrational decisions you're hoping that it works out and the person you wind up fucking is someone you actually like and you just compatible personalities get together and you raise a family or whatever, you're hoping that you get to that situation.

[1319] But most of the time, you don't.

[1320] Most of the time, you're completely incompatible.

[1321] No, you're telling me. Date someone and they're fucking, they're all sorts of problems and complaining and whining and bullshit and, oh.

[1322] The funniest one, you know, Dove David, all.

[1323] Yeah, very much.

[1324] Funny guy.

[1325] Very fun guy.

[1326] You know, you got to talk to him sometime about this because he did it.

[1327] I thought he took.

[1328] the ring off the girl while she was asleep but he just stole it from the dresser but in the middle of the night he unengaged himself by taking the ring back imagine her waking up the next day and but he got engaged in like two weeks what is this a fucking movies some people they they want that you know it's a fun thing to think of it's a love junkie it's like loving that feeling that instant magic well everybody wants that everybody wants to knock one out of the park they want you someone and you know she's she's nice and she's friendly and she's interesting and oh my god I just know it's the one Dom I only know it for four hours but I'm telling you I'm marrying this girl tomorrow morning I already asked her to marry we fucked five times already we've known each other for four hours like what there's people that throw themselves with abandon it's because they want someone to believe in them they want someone to love them the same way they want to love someone they have this massive need to both love and be love they are they're in a love deficit so when love comes along they they fucking throw a shit fit they go crazy they abandon their friends they stop answer their cell phone they'll throw their phone in the toilet I don't care I'm just by your side as long as I'm with you I don't want anything else we are complete you make me complete time I era they just ready you know Sophie and I only dated once before she moved in Shazam son that's what I'm talking that's how Dom do no but I mean the thing is it lasted nine years but that was in a very rare situation she moved to China and the only way I was going to get her to come back was for her to move in.

[1329] How many comics do you know that have healthy relationships?

[1330] That's a good question.

[1331] Seven.

[1332] I'd have to seven.

[1333] Seven.

[1334] Seven.

[1335] It's, I think it's especially hard.

[1336] Yeah, I do.

[1337] I think it's especially hard in any sort of a creative sort of a job You have to have a cool chick.

[1338] Yeah, yeah.

[1339] You have to have someone who lets you think.

[1340] You have to have someone who gives you space.

[1341] You know, it's not all up in your grill constantly.

[1342] Yeah, yeah.

[1343] But you also have someone when you talk to, they're fun to be around.

[1344] Their brain works.

[1345] Yeah, their brain works.

[1346] And they have a positive spin on things.

[1347] Like there's certain people, we all know this, like when you meet them and then you see them and you smile and then you become enhanced.

[1348] You know what I mean?

[1349] I'm like, Joey Diaz, perfect example.

[1350] What's up, baby?

[1351] What are we doing here?

[1352] And you see him, and we would all start smiling, and we feel enhanced.

[1353] And then there's other people that come around, and they drag on you.

[1354] You know, there's other people that come around, and they just start complaining and bitching.

[1355] And I've had both, man. I've had both.

[1356] And it's the life of you, if you're with someone that complains all the time, that's someone that takes that negative point of view all the time, your life will be hell.

[1357] It's gut -wrenching.

[1358] A friend of mine said there's two people in life.

[1359] There's fountains and drains.

[1360] Ah, that's beautiful.

[1361] Yeah, and it's true.

[1362] but like when those drains they just you know it's like yeah how you doing I'm hanging in there oh it's brutal brutal there's a comic that I know I love in the death and I won't say his name but I spoke to him once and I said I'm never talking this motherfucker again I go impression of him I can't it's too he's too obvious oh really no making that up too he's throwing people off the track now he was part cat he grew up in Afghanistan but you know I would say hey what's going on well not so good I'll tell you the whole situation and the wife, she walked out.

[1363] Okay, you know, we were together.

[1364] She walked out on you, Mr. Joy.

[1365] 13 years, I thought, I thought this was, this was something that we had both agreed to, and apparently she had to agree to that.

[1366] And like, oh, geez, you motherfucker, listen to yourself.

[1367] I haven't seen you in years, and you just hit me with just a bucket of diarrhea.

[1368] You know, what kind of a, you know, just that's, there's people that don't even think at all about the person they're talking to.

[1369] All they think about is, like, the shit that they want to, they want to burden you because their life has taken some, terrible turn for the worst, mostly with a lot of people because they're shit personality.

[1370] You know, the people just go, fucking get away from me!

[1371] Ah!

[1372] And they just run.

[1373] And then that same shitty personality is what makes you get trapped by this guy at a fucking party.

[1374] Do you know Jeremy Hutz?

[1375] The comedian from Canada.

[1376] I do not know him.

[1377] Okay.

[1378] He's fucking hilarious.

[1379] Yes, I know.

[1380] Very good comedian.

[1381] Very hilarious.

[1382] I've only seen him in video, though.

[1383] I've never seen him all.

[1384] We were doing Russell Peters special in Montreal as summer.

[1385] He was my roommate.

[1386] and he'd come in and hi Jeremy how you doing oh but um you don't have any thums do you I got like a bad stomach I said no I don't carry thums he goes you got any beer I go who the fuck goes from thumbs to beer you know what I mean but I mean he was always like and he's so fucking good on stage but he was such a I mean I still enjoy him but he is such a bummer you know he's a bummer well in that sense you know like he's talking about his sinuses one night at the laugh factory There's a bunch of comedians.

[1387] I said, Jerry Galentis, no group of comedians is going to be concerned about your sinuses.

[1388] No matter what, unless you have your sinuses removed, it's not an interesting story.

[1389] We don't want to hear about your fucking post -nasal drip.

[1390] Yeah, I'm not into being around people that complain about stupid shit that you just man up and deal with it.

[1391] Yeah.

[1392] So you nose bugs you.

[1393] Just deal with it.

[1394] Right.

[1395] Bitch?

[1396] Right?

[1397] God damn it.

[1398] I went through most of my life with a broken nose.

[1399] I broke my nose when I was five, fell down a flight of stairs.

[1400] And for most of my life, I had, like, shitty breathing out of my nose.

[1401] It was all fucked up.

[1402] Debeated septum?

[1403] Yeah, it was a mess.

[1404] And then from getting punched in the face, from wrestling and kickboxing and taiguan no, just always getting hit in the fucking face.

[1405] I don't know how many times I got hit in the face.

[1406] So the inside of the nose was just a mess.

[1407] I had, like, one little baby channel.

[1408] They opened it up.

[1409] They cleaned it all out.

[1410] It was one of the best things I ever did.

[1411] It's amazing that you didn't even know what you were missing, right?

[1412] Oh, my God.

[1413] I was mouth breathing.

[1414] I was mouth breathing for a giant chunk of my life.

[1415] And I was trying to do, like, hardcore athletics.

[1416] I was trying to do martial arts and with a broken nose, a useless nose like that was my nose like literally but now it's like ah now I can breathe when did you have the operation?

[1417] A couple years ago a few years ago.

[1418] It was so important to me that I made a little video online.

[1419] I knew you when you were yeah yeah I probably got worse it got worse as time went on and I broke it again in in like 2007 I broke it pretty bad it was pretty bloody and I got black eyes and shit from a head butt we collided in jujitsu class jujitsu is you know the two things that happened to hurt you one accidental collisions like sometimes you'll be throwing up a knee for a triangle and you hit someone in the eye and it fucks their eye up that's happened to me I've done it accidentally it's just it's just one of the things that happens and another thing that happens is sometimes people that are rolling right next to you collide in you and you bonk heads and shit that's fucked up I've had that happen where you get hit pretty fucking hard I got suckered in a bar I was a doorman at a bar Me and Randall Cobb were the dormant Really?

[1420] And Joe I don't fucking know anything What year was this?

[1421] I don't know 78 Where?

[1422] Where?

[1423] In Philly A place called Doc Watson but it was mostly right Randall TechCob do you have a picture of you two together No Fuck He was the North American Heavyweight karate champion at the time Yeah that's what a lot of people don't know He was a kickover your head man Yeah He was he had and the first thing showed me was his nose.

[1424] He had no cartilage in his nose.

[1425] He could smash it.

[1426] Anyway, I got suckered by this guy and broke my nose and the worst thing was it wasn't the pain.

[1427] It was the sound of them putting it back in place.

[1428] You know, like with the pliers they take.

[1429] Well, when I got my nose fixed, the boogers that came out were so horrendous that I saved them and I took pictures of them.

[1430] You want to look at it?

[1431] Would you look at it?

[1432] I want you to see.

[1433] I want you to see.

[1434] Asteroids.

[1435] I'm just going to show you it to you because you're not even going to believe it.

[1436] What is this?

[1437] This is when he had to clean it out.

[1438] Oh, yeah.

[1439] This is, uh, I would have to blow snod out.

[1440] And I would use a, uh, a water pick and throw it through my nose to clean my nose out.

[1441] It's pretty deep.

[1442] It's pretty intense.

[1443] Oh.

[1444] Oh, geez.

[1445] I mean, after my operation, I have to, uh, do this twice a day where I take a water pick.

[1446] A special nostril attachment.

[1447] Oh, geez.

[1448] Is that, like, a saline solution?

[1449] Wait, you ain't seen shit, son.

[1450] Wait, to you see these boogers, I'm going to pull out.

[1451] If you email me, I can show the audience.

[1452] Okay, let me find really good ones because they're so ridiculous.

[1453] But, you know, what was happening was that my body was, you know, making these plots.

[1454] You're throwing up from your nose.

[1455] Yeah.

[1456] I'm going to find them.

[1457] I don't know where they are, though, unfortunately.

[1458] They're probably deep in this eye photo.

[1459] Well, it will give us a good excuse to get together again.

[1460] I need to...

[1461] Oh, here's a picture of it.

[1462] Here's a still from it.

[1463] You got a...

[1464] One of my burgers?

[1465] Yeah, hold on.

[1466] Let me...

[1467] They were so ridiculous.

[1468] I think I put them on Twitter.

[1469] Did I put them on Twitter?

[1470] I don't...

[1471] But it's at the beginning of this video.

[1472] Here.

[1473] I definitely put them...

[1474] See, there it is.

[1475] That thing in the middle.

[1476] Oh, yeah.

[1477] That's the plot.

[1478] That's actually the clot.

[1479] The doctor pulled out of my nose.

[1480] There's some shit I showed...

[1481] I showed Tommy Segura at the airport, and he almost threw up.

[1482] I got him real close to throw it up.

[1483] He had to turn away.

[1484] He had to turn away.

[1485] It'll hold his mouth.

[1486] It was pretty badass.

[1487] I think I'm closing in on it here, Dom.

[1488] I think that was the first time I met Tom Segura.

[1489] It was that weekend right after you had that operation.

[1490] There's certain shit that, you know, if you can get it fixed, man. If you have a deviated septim and you get it fixed, your life will change.

[1491] You will have an easier life.

[1492] Like, it's hard.

[1493] When you only can breathe out of your fucking mouth, that sucks.

[1494] But you could get sleep apnea.

[1495] Oh, beautiful.

[1496] I just found it.

[1497] Is it 100 % though?

[1498] I mean, could you go back right now and have to fix it?

[1499] Look at the size of that God damn thing Looks like a jewel It's email it to me I email to right now That's disturbing So do you think you could go back And they could actually fix it up even more I mean No no it's clean now Yeah it's awesome now Yeah now it's 100 % But it's looks But it's different colors in it Yeah it's crazy It shouldn't even be real Something beautiful about it Yeah it's disgusting And yet hot You can reduce the message I don't want to reduce it actual size bitch actual size that shit why are you trying to save gigabytes why you try to be like that muddumucker i sent sent the photo of the bugger not even the best photo of it it's it's so ridiculous it doesn't even look real it doesn't look like it could come out of your nose and it came out in one giant really super satisfying hunk look at that there's another photo of it that's a close -up oh jesus oh my shit yeah it's like crystal that came out of my knows one hunk but i'll tell you what man for me that shit was sweet relief for me i know you're looking then and go joe i don't want to see your snott then why you're looking bitch we told you what we're going to do listen i'm feeling bad that i'm showing these people this and that they're gonna get sick brian let's kill it kill it i think we made our point i um it was but for me man that that represents freedom that's my shackles you're quite the host i feel fantastic i breathe out of my nose you look good thank you look good as well thanks joe i feel good I'm doing a lot of stretching now.

[1500] Are you updating your Twitter?

[1501] You've been getting on Twitter?

[1502] Let me see.

[1503] What was the last time you got on Twitter?

[1504] What's my Twitter?

[1505] It's Domir, are you, fella?

[1506] Domira, that's it?

[1507] Yeah.

[1508] It's not at Domirahira?

[1509] It says, at Domirrera?

[1510] Oh, at Domir.

[1511] Everything's at something.

[1512] Oh, okay.

[1513] We were just saying the other day about how I remember when people used to, like, use the at as if it's like them and the third person, like, is going to the movies right now.

[1514] Right.

[1515] People tried that for a while, right?

[1516] Yeah.

[1517] It got too pretentious, though.

[1518] Do you tweet a lot?

[1519] Yeah, tweet all the time.

[1520] You know what's the best thing about Twitter?

[1521] I got to get into a habit of it.

[1522] It's fun, really.

[1523] It's really fun.

[1524] If you're interested, Domirera, the two R's are in the first position.

[1525] It's D -O -M -I -R -E -R -A.

[1526] I, even myself, have fucked up upon occasion.

[1527] Yeah.

[1528] And made it I -R -E -R -A, like Carrera.

[1529] Right, I have a friend.

[1530] I worked a club, and they misspelled it.

[1531] I don't even know how Carrera's spelled.

[1532] I don't know.

[1533] They misspelled it at the club you worked at?

[1534] Yeah.

[1535] Some motherfuckers.

[1536] Captain Bryan's off the hook.

[1537] Jesus Christ.

[1538] Where's that place?

[1539] Of the hook, Marco Island.

[1540] It's dead to me. No, it's a great place, actually.

[1541] Wow.

[1542] Marco Island.

[1543] Oh, fucking beautiful.

[1544] Florida is fucking crazy, isn't it?

[1545] Yeah.

[1546] Florida's crazy on a totally different level.

[1547] That's not the rest of the country.

[1548] Florida is...

[1549] I love it, and I love that improv in Hollywood.

[1550] Hollywood, Florida.

[1551] Oh, yeah.

[1552] That's a great place.

[1553] The Indian casino?

[1554] Hard rock.

[1555] You know what they told me, Joe.

[1556] What?

[1557] Make sure you don't say anything.

[1558] anything about the Seminoles, anything bad.

[1559] I go, like, I got 15 minutes on the Seminole Indians.

[1560] They actually said that to you?

[1561] So, of course, I went up and said nothing but good things about them.

[1562] You know, just because somebody's going to tell me what to say.

[1563] I go, I got to say something.

[1564] Of all the tribes, the Seminole are my favorite.

[1565] I'm not a big fan of the Apache or Arapaho and go fuck them.

[1566] I love the Seminole people.

[1567] So what could they say?

[1568] The Seminoles sponsor a bunch of professional pool matches.

[1569] Oh, do they?

[1570] Yeah, they used to have a whole tour.

[1571] The Seminole Indians used to.

[1572] to Seminole Tribe, rather, used to be, I don't know if you're allowed to call.

[1573] Are you supposed to call them Indians?

[1574] Native Americans.

[1575] Yeah, it's natives.

[1576] You know, because like...

[1577] Or colored.

[1578] The idea that we called them Indians, like, deep into the 20th century is really pretty fucking crazy.

[1579] Where did Indian come from?

[1580] Columbus...

[1581] Oh, he thought he was going India, right, right, right.

[1582] These fucking assholes, they just would get in the ocean.

[1583] Oh, we're in India.

[1584] That's funny.

[1585] Who saw these little brown people, these are Indians.

[1586] Like, they had no idea.

[1587] They were in the Bahamas.

[1588] Like, the whole thing is preposterous.

[1589] It's really funny when you stop and think about that they still celebrate Columbus Day.

[1590] First of all, Columbus never even came here.

[1591] Watch it.

[1592] You know, and second of all, have you ever rid some of the shit that Columbus did?

[1593] Lee Verkson, right?

[1594] Was it Leif Erksson, right?

[1595] No, he was the first one here.

[1596] Well, no, not even.

[1597] Eric the Red?

[1598] No, they've actually found the really crazy thing is the oldest body that they found in North America and was Chinese.

[1599] Son of a bitch.

[1600] The Chinese were everywhere.

[1601] Well, they don't know, like they're still trying to.

[1602] to figure out like when people got in ships and traveled all over the world.

[1603] By the way, we are going to do a podcast with John Anthony West speaking of this because this is a fucking fascinating topic.

[1604] I've been exchanging email.

[1605] I owe him an email, but he wants to do it.

[1606] We're probably going to have to do it on Skype.

[1607] It may be the first time we ever do one on Skype, but it's worth doing it for this guy.

[1608] John Anthony West, if you don't know, is the guy who's like the main Egyptologist who's out there trying to predate the Egyptian empire.

[1609] And he says that it's like there's many empires.

[1610] It's not just like one.

[1611] And it goes back thousands and thousands of years earlier.

[1612] And he has geologists on his side.

[1613] It's really interesting because all these different academics are fighting at tooth and nail because it makes everything they've been teaching everybody in school bullshit.

[1614] Because it's off by thousands of years.

[1615] They've dated the enclosure of the Spinks.

[1616] There's these huge, like, fissure marks that are in the walls of these stones.

[1617] And what they come from, every geologist agrees on this, thousands of years of rainfall.

[1618] These are clearly, like, the way water erodes things.

[1619] Do you think the aliens built the pyramids?

[1620] No, no. I think the Egyptian civilization was most likely as advanced, if not more advanced, than we are today, but in a different direction.

[1621] They became advanced with a language like hieroglyphics, with incredible mathematics that were allowing them to make these geometric structures.

[1622] I mean, however the fuck they figured out how to do it, there's a lot of speculation.

[1623] But to pretend that the great period of Begiza is not an astronomically, incredibly amazing, fucking accomplishment is great.

[1624] It's ridiculous.

[1625] It's one of the greatest accomplishments of human engineering of all time.

[1626] And no one even knows when it was made.

[1627] The guess is 2 ,500 BC, and it's based on carbon samples and shit they found at the area.

[1628] But they're not completely sure about that.

[1629] There's a lot of weird speculation.

[1630] And the sphinx, the sphinx with all that the deep water arose.

[1631] around the enclosure what they're saying is that that was that if that was thousands of years of rainfall then the last time there was heavy rainfall in the Nile Valley was something crazy like 9 ,000 BC so instead of being 2 ,500 BC like they thought it was it was like thousands of years older still we are to them it's raining again crazy it would they well they used to be a jungle it used to be a rainforest but Nile Valley used to be like a rainforest it was raining constantly and then slowly it became a desert and the last time there was like heavy rainfall was like 9 ,000 BC it's fucking nuts and this area this cut out area shows thousands of years of rainfall and the Egyptologists don't want to address it they look at it and it's freaking them out because it's pretty obvious and there's no getting around it if it is rainfall the whole thing's got to be thrown out and it's the only physical thing they have to show that there was something that existed that long ago and that's why they resist it like the the scholars are like you know where's the evidence of this civilization that it would have existed 10 ,000 plus years ago, there is no evidence, and what they're saying is, or this guy's like this John Anthony West is saying, there wouldn't really be much.

[1632] There's like this stuff.

[1633] There's like, I mean, 10 ,000 years is an insane amount of time.

[1634] 10 ,000 BC, think about how long ago 12 ,000 fucking years is.

[1635] Think of how crazy that is.

[1636] Well, Christ was only 2 ,000 -something.

[1637] Yeah.

[1638] Well, supposedly, do you think Price was real?

[1639] Think Price was a real guy?

[1640] Yeah.

[1641] You think so, for sure?

[1642] Well, I don't, I mean, I don't know why they would make it up.

[1643] I'm not saying he's got it or anything.

[1644] What about Santa Claus?

[1645] Santa Claus for sure, 100%.

[1646] 100%.

[1647] And you know what's amazing about him?

[1648] No matter how many people are, he takes care of everybody, if you're good.

[1649] If you're good, you leave a cookie out.

[1650] You know, it's funny about that.

[1651] We're talking about, these phrases come down in history.

[1652] I was staying at a hotel in Rochester, and for some reason, they didn't register my name.

[1653] And so this friend of mine finally gets through, and she goes, You fucking King Tut.

[1654] And I'm thinking, isn't that interesting that King Tut came down?

[1655] You're talking about Egypt.

[1656] Like this kid who died thousands of years ago.

[1657] Right.

[1658] He's still a reference for like a wise -ass remark.

[1659] You know what I mean?

[1660] Yeah.

[1661] Yeah, it is pretty ridiculous.

[1662] You King fucking Tut in common?

[1663] You know, he had a lopsided head.

[1664] Yeah, had a crazy fucked up elongated head.

[1665] Who knows that but you?

[1666] Well, you ever seen images of him?

[1667] What a found of as a turn of knowledge?

[1668] His family, there were some weird physical characteristics to his family that a lot of the crazy conspiracy theorists guys really latch on to because it's like, look at his head, he's clearly an alien, you know, because he had like kind of a weird -shaped head, you know.

[1669] No normal person has a head like that.

[1670] What a bad motherfucker he is, though, that we're talking about him still 12 and 12.

[1671] Yeah.

[1672] How old was he when he died?

[1673] He's a kid, right?

[1674] He's a kid, yeah.

[1675] And I think he was murdered, wasn't he?

[1676] Wasn't he murdered?

[1677] I don't know.

[1678] I went into a bad neighborhood in Cairo.

[1679] They probably killed people all day back then.

[1680] Oh, yeah.

[1681] You know?

[1682] The idea that John Anthony West is promoting is that the idea of a lot of these, there's a lot of guys that are getting on this notion, this possibility of ancient civilizations that were wiped out by disasters.

[1683] Once we see shit like the tsunami and, you know, we see things like what Hurricane Katrina can do.

[1684] And we go, well, these aren't even like the biggest storms or the biggest events in history.

[1685] What the fuck must have been like with something like this times 10 hit?

[1686] 10 ,000 years ago, might wipe out most of us, you know?

[1687] And they think that that has probably happened several times to people and that civilization would reach a great height and then something would happen.

[1688] And by the way, this coincides with two things.

[1689] One, the end of the Ice Age, which happened fairly abruptly, which might have been caused by some sort of an event.

[1690] Like an asteroid?

[1691] Like an asteroid.

[1692] And evidence of asteroidal impact somewhere around that long ago.

[1693] I think 10 ,500 plus years ago is the estimation.

[1694] to when this asteroid hit.

[1695] You know, they're not completely exact on the date, I think.

[1696] But they're all similar.

[1697] And so there's evidence also that we've been pelted numerous times with asteroids.

[1698] Like once they started taking satellite photos.

[1699] I would think they would hit us all the time, all the randomness of space.

[1700] Well, they get chewed up by our atmosphere for the most part, but some of them don't, man. The really big ones don't.

[1701] And there's been several extinction events in the lifetime of the Earth, more than three.

[1702] And at least two of them that involve giant impacts.

[1703] Two of them are just big fucking volcano -sized explosion, asteroids of five miles wide slamming into the earth and lava shoots up into the fucking sky and blankets have to...

[1704] Oh, Jesus.

[1705] I was reading a Fred Flintstone book about a lot of that stuff.

[1706] I fucking imagine.

[1707] Fred Flintstone wrote books.

[1708] Okay.

[1709] Could you imagine what it must have been like, living back, you know.

[1710] In the bedrock years?

[1711] In the caveman years, when there was like, just grunt and shit.

[1712] Yeah.

[1713] No TV.

[1714] Just trying to follow around the herd of Buffalo that know you're trying to kill them.

[1715] So they always want to move by night.

[1716] So you've got to get up in the middle of the night.

[1717] The Buffalo are moving.

[1718] We've got to follow them.

[1719] Follow after them.

[1720] Your baby gets killed by tigers.

[1721] Jaguars, Jack, your whole fucking family.

[1722] Pulling women by the hair.

[1723] Do you think they did that?

[1724] They clubbed them over the head, dragon.

[1725] funny that that image of the cavemen is like the predominant image.

[1726] Cabman clubbing the chick over the head, dragging her by her hair.

[1727] That's the predominant image of what is a cave man doing.

[1728] First of all, he's always got a club.

[1729] Right?

[1730] Cave men's always had clubs.

[1731] Yeah.

[1732] And they always had a bear skin.

[1733] Some sort of...

[1734] That was like a Saturday night date.

[1735] She was waiting for him.

[1736] Where the fuck is Harry?

[1737] Why is it?

[1738] But who invented the clubber over the head and drag her hair?

[1739] You know?

[1740] I don't know.

[1741] Maybe it was King Tut.

[1742] But it's an amazing...

[1743] I mean, isn't it like that that's the that's the symbol we all see yeah yeah how the fuck did that happen the clubber over the head and drag her by the hair how many times do you heard that expressions that expression when it comes to cavemen it's like super common like what was you caveman he's gonna we think every girl he meets you're gonna clobber over the head and drag her hair is that so common did like Looney Tunes invent that maybe I wonder I wonder who came up with it but it stuck culturally like all throughout my life I remember that the images of clubbing a girl over their head dragging her by her hair I never knew that there weren't cavemen and dinosaurs together Because we always put them together.

[1744] Well, if you hung out with Sarah Palin, you would know that that's not factually correct.

[1745] Because as a matter of fact, there was a school teacher from Alaska that says that Sarah Palin said that the earth is less than 10 ,000 years old, and that dinosaurs and men did live together, but mainstream science is trying to keep that from you.

[1746] And that there's images on the internet of dinosaurs with a human footprint inside of it.

[1747] Dinosaur footprint?

[1748] Oh, jeez.

[1749] I wonder if it's true.

[1750] It could be just some hater bitch.

[1751] from Alaska, you know, who's the local librarian.

[1752] Maybe she's a cunt, you know, and maybe Sarah Palin blew her husband or something, you know?

[1753] Not that she would do that.

[1754] Would you do Sarah Palin?

[1755] Fuck, yeah.

[1756] It depends on where I was.

[1757] Where I was.

[1758] Where I was.

[1759] You see, he lays back.

[1760] Maybe it takes him two hours.

[1761] The kid gets warmed up.

[1762] He gets crazy.

[1763] He lets lose.

[1764] Shenanigans ensue.

[1765] I'm doing Adam Carolla's podcast later.

[1766] If you can't get enough, me. Did you get that email that said who's coming here next Wednesday?

[1767] Yeah, Bobcat Goldway.

[1768] Fuck, yeah.

[1769] Well, don't do that in front of him, you fuck.

[1770] And he wants to forget those days.

[1771] And apparently he has an awesome movie.

[1772] Do you know about this movie?

[1773] Yeah.

[1774] Anthony was talking all about it on OPA.

[1775] And Anthony, the name is called God Bless America.

[1776] You want to see a trailer?

[1777] I got a trailer.

[1778] Yes.

[1779] I do want to see it.

[1780] I do want to see it.

[1781] Pull that shit up.

[1782] Bobcats, That's one of those guys that's so mild -mannered before he goes on stage.

[1783] And he goes on stage and goes crazy.

[1784] I never knew him as a comic.

[1785] The first time I ever met him, he was directing the Chappelle Show.

[1786] And I was with Dave.

[1787] We were in New York City.

[1788] And Dave was just walking down the street with a fake mustache on.

[1789] And he was giving out awards for the best New York boobs.

[1790] Oh, really?

[1791] Yeah, it was ridiculous.

[1792] This was in the show?

[1793] Yeah, that was the first time I ever met Bobcat.

[1794] I ran into him on the street.

[1795] I'm like, what are you doing, Dave?

[1796] He goes, hey, Joe Rogan, you want to help me out?

[1797] I go, I only got like a half an hour, I go, oh, that's cool.

[1798] So for a half an hour, I carried his box of New York boob ribbons, and he would go, and, you have some great New York boobs, and you'd give people, like, ribbons, shit.

[1799] And Bobcat was, like, directing the whole thing.

[1800] So that's the first time I met him.

[1801] A very nice guy, though.

[1802] But I always liked him as a comic.

[1803] Here's the trailer, which is our red band trailer.

[1804] B -A -N -D?

[1805] The most hilarious ringtone ever.

[1806] Just text B -I -G.

[1807] God -H -H -Fag!

[1808] We have a press that just gives him a free pass.

[1809] The boys were caught after setting the homeless man on fire.

[1810] Did you motherfuck up in my food?

[1811] What?

[1812] You pee!

[1813] A tumor this size is very dangerous.

[1814] Do you have any family?

[1815] Oh, gotta take this.

[1816] My name is Chloe.

[1817] I live in Virginia Beach, and everyone loves me because I'm so pretty.

[1818] I wanted an escalade.

[1819] Isn't the schoolgirl thing a little played out?

[1820] Don't move and don't make a sound.

[1821] If you want the car, just take it.

[1822] My parents got me the wrong one anyways.

[1823] Yeah, that's a fucking tragedy.

[1824] Did you just kill Chloe?

[1825] Awesome.

[1826] And that was a fantastic start.

[1827] But you know who else really riffs my cock off?

[1828] The Kardashians.

[1829] People who use rock star as an adjective.

[1830] Women who call their tits, the girls.

[1831] Anyone who wears crystals.

[1832] You're aiming at the bear, right?

[1833] This is the best day ever!

[1834] Frank, don't.

[1835] Let me. I'm recording this.

[1836] Thanks for turning off your cell phone.

[1837] You're welcome.

[1838] Why have a civilization if we no longer interested in being civilized?

[1839] Hey buddy, what's wrong?

[1840] A lot.

[1841] A lot of crazy people out there.

[1842] I want to kill people who deserve to die.

[1843] We're going to do this or what?

[1844] I know it's not normal to want to kill, but I am no longer normal.

[1845] Whoa.

[1846] Really got to take both those spots?

[1847] Yeah.

[1848] Fuck you.

[1849] Fuck you.

[1850] Sounds like an amazing movie.

[1851] Whoa.

[1852] That's awesome.

[1853] That's a scary movie.

[1854] That's really cool.

[1855] It looks very Pulp Fiction -y kind of again.

[1856] Like, you know, just badass, you know, kill, kill -kill kind of movie.

[1857] It looks pretty sweet.

[1858] Yeah, it's obviously got an anti -dushbag slant.

[1859] Yeah.

[1860] Which is always nice.

[1861] That's really cool because he's a great director.

[1862] He did win.

[1863] Didn't he do Windy City Heat or, uh, no, uh, I don't know if he did that, but he did that Clown movie, what the fuck?

[1864] Shakes the Clown, which is great.

[1865] I saw that in the movie theater.

[1866] Windy City Heat?

[1867] Yeah, that was, was that the one where they fake the guy, uh, Dom Marrera, or Dom Barris is in it.

[1868] It's Don Barris and Jimmy Kimmel is one of the producers of it, you know, there's tons of people in that movie.

[1869] I can't watch that movie.

[1870] I've met that dude.

[1871] It's too tragic.

[1872] Huh?

[1873] Oh, Perry.

[1874] You meet someone who's crazy who thinks they're actually famous.

[1875] Yeah, we're actually having a. And he got an.

[1876] attitude that's what cracked me up about it that's hilarious you got an attitude once he made it yeah once he fake made it yeah if people who don't know what we're talking about dom explain the whole situation because it's really pretty fascinating for people who don't know the story the best i remember is they fabricated this guy becoming a celebrity gradually becoming a star and he had a movie and it was just a the whole thing was a mock on him and how else what i explained it you he thinks it's real like This guy named Perry thinks it's crazy and he thinks that he gets a star attitude.

[1877] Well, it's a weird thing because people are paying attention to him and he isn't a movie.

[1878] Right.

[1879] It's like, what is that?

[1880] Yeah, so he's so crazy and so not.

[1881] He's tuned into a dimension that's like right next door to ours.

[1882] You ever met people that are like that?

[1883] They're not quite seeing things the way everybody else around us is seeing.

[1884] You know, and you've got to wonder, what does the world look like to them?

[1885] You know, how many times have you met a comment?

[1886] Okay, perfect example.

[1887] Oh, I know.

[1888] The open mic guys, they come off stage and they fucking ate dick, and they hear phantom laughs.

[1889] They'll come off and go, I'm going to think that went pretty good.

[1890] Yeah.

[1891] Pretty good set.

[1892] I killed.

[1893] Yeah.

[1894] Oh, I've asked people.

[1895] You know, I've asked them while watching them just do silence, having silent performances.

[1896] Actually, Bobcat, Goldway, definitely directed Wendy City.

[1897] Here's that on Amazon.

[1898] Oh, he directed that as well?

[1899] Yeah.

[1900] And we're having this Friday because we're not having a Ice House show Friday.

[1901] we're having it Wednesday this week we're having the whole ding -dong show having a special podcast here so you can meet them and then they're going to talk about their podcast which is the the big three podcast network so we're going to have don in the studio the big three podcast network what is that big three is uh don berris's podcast with with all the characters from this movie to paris scary perry and you're going to bring that guy here huh yeah when is this friday at uh 10 o 'clock wow you're going to deal with that guy oh i hang out with all those people all the time.

[1902] Do you want that Perry guy like here hanging out?

[1903] He's a normal.

[1904] He's fine.

[1905] He's just crazy.

[1906] But he's not going to do anything bad or anything like that.

[1907] Plus I just up the insurance and so it'd be fine.

[1908] No, he's not going to be that but it's going to be a dissent to madness.

[1909] Oh, that's what though.

[1910] If you're, if you haven't listened to a podcast, it's the most amazing soap opera of a podcast.

[1911] It's great.

[1912] It's very addicting if you're looking for this podcast get started.

[1913] It was for a while that used to be on Adam Krollas Network and stuff like that.

[1914] And then now Don has a whole studio in his house.

[1915] Pretty much has like a studio like this inside his house.

[1916] And it's great.

[1917] Neil Leeds.

[1918] You can't be beat.

[1919] The mattress guy that owns that mattress store right here, I know a couple of mattresses stores.

[1920] Big celebrity in L .A. He's now one of the new sponsors.

[1921] And he's now, every ding -dong show, he comes to the ding -dong show.

[1922] And he's just crazy.

[1923] Really?

[1924] It is insane.

[1925] That dude's nuts.

[1926] But it's hilarious, man. If you could see those characters.

[1927] I get uncomfortable talking to crazy people.

[1928] You don't.

[1929] Well, you can have that guy in.

[1930] studio i would be freaking out i'd be like i can't this is not right can't have a conversation while there's someone here that's not having the same conversation right someone here is in another room looking at the whole thing through plexiglass right i can deal with those people in spurts like i'm not going to have the person over to my house or i'm not going to like fucking start but you know those people they almost have like a like a consciousness condom on right like they're not feeling everything that's happening it's not they're in the different reality yeah remember that guy joe late at night on the comedy still robert ad devile he's still there i talked to him the other day yeah he ran a one Right.

[1931] He always liked me. Me and him always used to get along.

[1932] He was a nice guy.

[1933] Because those are, like, Don Barris would always be mean to that dude.

[1934] And I'm like, he's not a bad guy, man. He's just kind of crazy.

[1935] But he's, he's a pleasant to be around, you know?

[1936] Yeah.

[1937] He's a nice guy.

[1938] It's not being mean to anybody.

[1939] He would walk from downtown to do his spy.

[1940] He still does.

[1941] As a kite.

[1942] Is he high?

[1943] Yeah.

[1944] No, not high, but I don't know.

[1945] I smoked weed with that dude.

[1946] Have you ever seen his, have you ever seen his, like, his web show that he did with Mary?

[1947] Like, like, Mary Jane and Don produced it It's a show for him It's kind of like this, but a podcast I'll show you a clip of it It'll blow your mind How long ago did they start doing this?

[1948] Like two years ago they did like Don Barris?

[1949] Don Barris helped film it But I thought him and Don Barris hated each other Oh you know they all love each other Don loves Don takes care of so many people there And he takes care of Robert William Approvaya Well you know Mary Jane Wow that's great because for the longest time Remember he was calling him Hitler And he would always see them and put his finger over his nose And say that they're Hitler Well, you got to remember, Don Barris has been there so fucking long.

[1950] Tom Barris has been there for a long time.

[1951] How long would you say 20 years, maybe?

[1952] At least.

[1953] Always got along with Don Barris.

[1954] He's a fucking sweetheart of a guy.

[1955] I don't think in the 20 years that I've known that guy or how long it's been, not quite 20 years, but however many years it's been in L .A., never, ever had an even an unpleasant word with Don Barris.

[1956] It's a sweetheart of a guy.

[1957] Our relationship is very funny because Eddie Haskell's me. Good evening, Mr. Arirer.

[1958] How are you doing?

[1959] You look great tonight.

[1960] it's a beautiful color for you it's always like some sort of an act you know who always like put on a certain voice or fuck around with you him and Brian Callan have some elaborate rape theme they do every time they see each other where Don Barris winds up raping Brian Callan it starts out like it always starts out the same way it always ends the same way there's something about the store where people do stupid shit like that and like keep it going forever remember the thing they used to have with Eleanor We used to ask her about it.

[1961] You got changed for a dollar and she would go digging her apron and start masturbating.

[1962] And we would do this.

[1963] This is a stupid fucking thing.

[1964] We would do literally once a week for years.

[1965] You and her used to get rough together though.

[1966] She's crazy.

[1967] That girl's strong too.

[1968] Remember when she was a pro wrestler?

[1969] Yeah.

[1970] We used to go see her, easy rider?

[1971] Easy rider, right.

[1972] We went to see her.

[1973] She was one of the waitresses, and now she's a very funny comic.

[1974] Eleanor Kerrigan is her name.

[1975] She's hilarious.

[1976] And we're so happy she's finally doing stand -up because she was always one of the funniest people that would hang around at the store and she wasn't even a comic.

[1977] She was a waitress.

[1978] We had a thing called The Punch to the Twat where I would go to her L .E I think you need it.

[1979] She goes, I think so too.

[1980] And I would hit her and I would hit her and she would act like it hurt and she staggered around.

[1981] I remember that.

[1982] Then she acted like she came.

[1983] She would act out.

[1984] Yeah, that's right.

[1985] Oh, what a relief.

[1986] Nothing like a good punch to the twat.

[1987] She would, she's really committed to it.

[1988] She would start off in like deep, deep pain.

[1989] Yeah.

[1990] she would start coming.

[1991] Yeah.

[1992] And then she would start coming after the initial impact, the punch.

[1993] In a way that only someone who really probably enjoys a good twat punch could deliver it.

[1994] She mean, she embodied that.

[1995] She did.

[1996] The idea of it.

[1997] But she was, we would have a long, I mean, we have this thing that was running at the comedy store for fucking years.

[1998] Well, I'd go, do you have any, um, do you have any change?

[1999] Um, hold on a second.

[2000] And should we just start my husband?

[2001] She would, like, reach into her apron.

[2002] And she's like, oh, oh, and she would like completely commit eyes, clothes, legs pinched together, toes, pigeon feet.

[2003] And you'd be like, I mean, I only need like a quarter.

[2004] If you just have one quarter, I'll give you a dollar.

[2005] No, no, no, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, I'm going to get it.

[2006] I'm going to get it.

[2007] And it was so over the top.

[2008] And every time she would do it, she would try to top it because, you know, we could, we're doing the same goddamn gag over and over here for years.

[2009] You know, so she would try to try to double it over.

[2010] But I remember the cunt punch.

[2011] I remember when you would cunt punch her.

[2012] And I think you stomped on the ground, too, pro wrestling style.

[2013] To make it seem like it was real.

[2014] Check this out, Joe.

[2015] The Robert Albert Show.

[2016] Robert William Approbia.

[2017] It's Robert William Approbia.

[2018] This is Robert William Approbia.

[2019] If I need you to join me for Stan up telling me by the official comedian for the 1996 selections and a speech on the following subject, The United States of America should Relegalize HIP And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Robert.

[2020] That was Robert, by the way.

[2021] Yeah, that's him.

[2022] There he goes.

[2023] He wears that same shirt everywhere he goes, that same outfit.

[2024] It's green.

[2025] Yeah, and he keeps a, what is it, paper plate that he carries around that's covered up with a aluminum foil and stuff like that.

[2026] A paper plate covered up with a aluminum foil?

[2027] Yeah, and he keeps it, like, Like he protects his head from lasers.

[2028] Remember, he used to always take like, like this, you know, block his head.

[2029] So, because he thinks people are shooting lasers at him when he wants into the comedy store.

[2030] Jesus Christ.

[2031] Lasers.

[2032] What is it, you know, I wonder if it's, if he was crazy always or if one day just reality just became too difficult.

[2033] Well, I've never seen him not crazy, so I wouldn't, I mean.

[2034] But isn't it weird that there's like, there's shades of.

[2035] crazy.

[2036] He's functioning.

[2037] Yeah.

[2038] He's functioning.

[2039] How does he make a living?

[2040] I don't know.

[2041] I don't know.

[2042] I don't know.

[2043] I don't know.

[2044] Um, but he does get on stage of the store.

[2045] Still goes up.

[2046] Here's Don Barris is like at a store and Robert's walking.

[2047] He's a star.

[2048] He's funny here.

[2049] There's just a bunch of bars is so crazy.

[2050] He's so awesome.

[2051] He's one of those guys that just, like I said about your guys you're around, you automatically have a smile, you know?

[2052] guys that add Robert here Robert William I provide and wasn't he one of the original guys that was supposed to take over for the letterman and that's what he used to always talk about like he was there's that thing there's the aluminum store yeah and I think yeah he was one of the guys is he cool with them doing this and putting this shit online I have no idea oh they're following him around and just filming him dude this is probably not the best thing I wonder if they got his permission for this is that charles fleischer yeah there's a guy i haven't seen it forever this is for the folks watching home they're just following around a guy who has a slippery grip on reality yeah but a nice enough guy yeah he's really i always try to talk to him but it's impossible now to talk to him like i even tried to give him a joint the other day and he just ran away isn't it interesting how the store just sort of like attracts those types of characters yeah so many i mean we've talked about it so many times with that vortex of hollywood that whole area between like the rainbow room and the roxy and you know where the viper room is and all the way down to where the store is and even the laugh factory like that area is so strange that's such a vortex of bizarre people the viper room especially is one of the viper room is especially you ever done stand up there no i've seen a lot of music there and also the rainbow is like that 80s yeah tight pants rocker look they won't let it go they they found a spot they found a spot and they agreed to all go there.

[2053] Yeah, they found a spot where you know you're going to be able to see someone from that era is going to come on.

[2054] It reminds me of the Kenneson days, that place.

[2055] Yeah, right?

[2056] He used to talk about it.

[2057] It is, he was, his HBO special.

[2058] He talked about the rainbow bar and grill about meeting crazy girls over there that you, uh, they can't wait to meet you and blame their whole miserable, fucked up life on you.

[2059] Right.

[2060] He had some great tortured relationship shit.

[2061] Oh, he was funny.

[2062] One of the best, right?

[2063] When it comes to tortured relationship shit, I was married for two fucking years.

[2064] Talking about going to meet in the devil.

[2065] Hell would be like club med. Hell would be like club med. He was a real game changer that, dude.

[2066] It's hard to change the game today.

[2067] Everybody's seen everything.

[2068] With the internet, the way it is now, it's amazing how much more educated people are today and how much more weird shit they're supposed to.

[2069] Yeah, you've got to keep changes.

[2070] stuff.

[2071] I did a bit about how there's no place to go in comedy.

[2072] I don't know if you ever somebody did this, but he's like we've been as sacrilegious as you can be, as vulgar as you can be.

[2073] The only thing left to do is actually come on the crowd for the guy, at the end of his act, his pants open up and he just started like a fucking machine gun.

[2074] People are running out yet, but you can't help return and look back and you get it right in the...

[2075] I could imagine easily a culture where it would be okay if the performer came on the audience.

[2076] There's way worse shit out there.

[2077] There's way crazy.

[2078] your shit out there that people are doing.

[2079] I mean, just even circumcision is pretty fucking nuts.

[2080] Cutting baby dicks.

[2081] You've been cutting baby dicks for thousands of years.

[2082] Hey, it's a living.

[2083] It's a living.

[2084] It's a living.

[2085] It's a living.

[2086] Remember that show?

[2087] No. Some sitcom with some chick that was on, I think she was on celebrity rehab.

[2088] One of the first ones.

[2089] I remember, here's George Jetson.

[2090] His dog El Rowe.

[2091] Yeah, what year was the Jetson supposed to be in?

[2092] future like 1980 isn't it funny that like when you go and look at shit like that they thought was going to be like Blade Runner.

[2093] Do you know what Blaine Runner was supposed to be taking place in?

[2094] No 2019.

[2095] Oh really?

[2096] Yeah.

[2097] What is this?

[2098] It's a living.

[2099] I don't remember this at all.

[2100] Wow, look at all these fake acting women.

[2101] Well, that's the song of the morning.

[2102] Susan Sullivan.

[2103] Ooh, she's milphy.

[2104] Where are all?

[2105] all these women now don't don't even bring it up i bet she's hot i bet she's still hot yeah she's got a lot of milphy shit going on that's milphy i hope she works out she's pretty somebody put a photoshop together with what all these girls look like now and jillian i know her do you i did i did a roast with mike did because she was on is that guy a comic pa i don't know it's weird sitcoms from the 70s he's the wacky chef he's dead oh my I've never seen the show before.

[2106] No, me neither.

[2107] Isn't it crazy just going back in time?

[2108] What year was that, Brian?

[2109] That's Danny Thomas' son.

[2110] Yeah?

[2111] What year was that, that It's a Living was on the air?

[2112] Joe, I never saw that show.

[2113] I don't know why I remembered it.

[2114] Not only that, you remember the theme.

[2115] It's like 1980s is always seen.

[2116] 1980s.

[2117] I remember that show.

[2118] I think I was in high school.

[2119] It was on the air.

[2120] He's amazing how much culture has evolved.

[2121] From that to, what's Larry David's show?

[2122] Kirby Enthusiasm.

[2123] Think of that.

[2124] Think of the difference between that show, how complex and hilarious and how, how, like, brilliant and brilliant and multi -layered and faceted it is where it just gets twisted up into things.

[2125] Yeah, yeah.

[2126] You know, where, you know, I mean, he, remember when he had the water bottle in his pants and the girl came in the bathroom?

[2127] I mean, he's just.

[2128] Oh, he's unbelievable.

[2129] Unbelievable.

[2130] They used to say that, like, a friend of my work for both, everybody loves Raymond and Simon.

[2131] Seinfeld.

[2132] And he said to me, Raymond was so simple because it was an A plot.

[2133] The whole show was an A plot, sometimes a B. Seinfeld was A, B, C, D. And they throw everything.

[2134] The guy would hit the golf ball, it goes in the whales blowhole.

[2135] And Jason, Alexander, lies about being a marine biologist.

[2136] Everything, the way everything fit together in 22 minutes.

[2137] Yeah.

[2138] Clean.

[2139] And they had to work clean.

[2140] Yeah.

[2141] It was a brilliant, brilliant show.

[2142] And, you know, if you look at like those old Father Knows Best, and it's almost like a different species.

[2143] of thing.

[2144] people were so stupid.

[2145] how could you have this show on the air?

[2146] Who the...

[2147] You realize how naive culture was?

[2148] Just in the 1950s.

[2149] The only one that holds up to me and makes me laugh still is Andy of Maybury.

[2150] Well, just listen to what you said about the Twilight Zone.

[2151] That holds up.

[2152] That's story holds up.

[2153] Yeah.

[2154] They wake up and they realize they were actually getting further away from the sun.

[2155] Jesus.

[2156] That's a creepy, creepy fucking show.

[2157] Twilight Zone was amazing.

[2158] Remember to serve, man?

[2159] Yes.

[2160] The aliens came.

[2161] It was a cookbook?

[2162] It's a cookbook.

[2163] It's a cookbook.

[2164] Well, if you think about the way we treat dolphins And the way we treat killer whales I would think that if aliens came here They might either fuck us or eat us Yeah It's very possible, right?

[2165] If they're way smarter than us If they look at us, we're so stupid We're still using nuclear power And assholes are polluting everything You know, you can give a fuck And they'd eat us That's why I have a poor diet I don't want to be delicious to those much Well, you really think about it Your diet probably makes you delicious Because like it's all fat Like a Wigoo steak Like when they get that Kobe beef Yeah I mean they feed it liquor And they massage it It's perfect It's just like me That's a day in the life on the road Get a nice deep tissue Before the show Loosin up You mind if I drink Why you rub my back Yeah Do you ever get a deep tissue massage?

[2166] No I don't I'm not a big massage guy Really Not even at the rubbing tug You kind of massages?

[2167] I used to.

[2168] Do you have any fetishes?

[2169] Those are hard to find, right?

[2170] Fetishes, yeah.

[2171] Like do you dress up in diapers or do anything weird like that?

[2172] No. Typers?

[2173] Brian.

[2174] I think the funniest fetish I ever heard, I don't know if it's true, was Elton John.

[2175] He liked to run across the room naked, and guys would throw oranges at him at his ass.

[2176] That was his thing?

[2177] Yeah.

[2178] Supposedly.

[2179] But that's like Rod Stewart supposedly had to get a stomach pump because there was like a quart and a half of comedy.

[2180] Yeah, he blew his soccer team.

[2181] Hey, guys, in lieu of pay, I'd like to blow all of you.

[2182] The best rumor of all time, though, the king of the rumors is the rigid gear gerbil up the ass rumor.

[2183] That rumor is, that's the Mike Tyson of 1985.

[2184] How do you deny it?

[2185] I never had a gerbil up my head.

[2186] I think Scientology might have done it to him.

[2187] I think he had been involved.

[2188] You think they really put a gerbil is there?

[2189] No, they probably spread the rumor.

[2190] How the fuck did that rumor get?

[2191] You know, Eddie Bravo grew up here in L .A. I grew up in Boston, and we both heard that rumor.

[2192] But who's the first guy?

[2193] Joe, who's the first guy that thought I'm going to put an animal in my ass?

[2194] I think people are nuts.

[2195] They put all kinds of things in their ass.

[2196] But I mean an animal, a live animal?

[2197] How fucking terrifying.

[2198] There's always someone looking to take it to the next level.

[2199] Nipping?

[2200] They found a guy who was drunk driving.

[2201] He had a zebra in his car, a zebra and a giraffe or some shit like that.

[2202] I just tweeted it.

[2203] Yeah.

[2204] Yeah, you think you've seen everything.

[2205] You think, well, I've pretty much, you know, figured out what people are capable of and what they're not capable of.

[2206] No. No, no, no. Let me read this too Because it is the most ridiculous shit We had on a Sim Tripoli's Nadi show last night A woman that was a bondage mistress And she had her own personal slave And it was so weird It was like Pulp Fiction We're like bring out the gimp And this girl just at like a month out of time Would just live with this woman and her boyfriend Who was the guy from no FX People are so crazy man Then they just were like all right You want to see us beat her And so she like here They're just she's like wailing on this girl with these whips and stuff.

[2207] By the way, the guy had a zebra and a parrot in the front seat of his truck.

[2208] Sounds like a joke.

[2209] And he got arrested in Dubuque, Iowa, driving drunk with a zebra and a parrot.

[2210] I don't know how to fuck.

[2211] How can he fit a zebra?

[2212] I don't understand it.

[2213] I'm looking at it here.

[2214] It's a little zebra, obviously.

[2215] It's not a big zebra, but it's a fucking zebra.

[2216] This asshole's driving around with a zebra like it's his Jack Russell Derrier.

[2217] Hey, you guys want to go for a ride?

[2218] He's going to train a zebra.

[2219] Isn't it amazing that you could just, there's some animals.

[2220] like zebras you could just buy you just figure out a way to buy it how the fucking you just buy a zebra man craigslist you can buy you can buy a fucking tank in this country well you used to wow they have a little zebra man i'm looking at this man arrested for o w i with zebra parrot in front seat of truck just google that and then there's a video and he's got a parrot or a lady has a parrot sitting on her shoulder and there's a guy he's just a fucking crazy old cracker and he has a pet zebra Oh, wow, look at this.

[2221] While looking at this.

[2222] What?

[2223] Breeder of miniature donkeys, giant grant zebras.

[2224] What?

[2225] You could buy zebras?

[2226] Let's see what's for sale right now.

[2227] Oh, my God.

[2228] Oh, look at that.

[2229] Zebra.

[2230] A zebra.

[2231] What the fuck?

[2232] I can buy a zebra, dude.

[2233] Dude, look at it.

[2234] How about a Z donkey?

[2235] It's only $3 ,000.

[2236] What's a Z donkey?

[2237] Look at that.

[2238] Look at that thing.

[2239] Scroll up.

[2240] That's half zebra, half donkey, son.

[2241] Z donkey.

[2242] It is.

[2243] Oh, my God.

[2244] I was joking around.

[2245] That's what it's called.

[2246] A Zadong.

[2247] A jasmine.

[2248] When I said Z donkey.

[2249] donkey?

[2250] I was joking.

[2251] Dude, you need to get this is a donkey.

[2252] There's a half donkey, half zebra.

[2253] That's insane.

[2254] Giant zebra, $5 ,000.

[2255] You have your own zebra for $5 ,000.

[2256] The fuck what I do with a zebra, man. Look, look at the zi dogs.

[2257] I want to watch the video.

[2258] What's out of that apaca?

[2259] Fucking that donkey.

[2260] I wonder if the zebra fucked the donkey or the donkey fucked the zebra.

[2261] I would imagine the zebra did the fucking.

[2262] Look at this little apple jack.

[2263] I think your meters are wild.

[2264] I think of me a jump to it, Joe.

[2265] What the fuck is that?

[2266] Appley Jack.

[2267] We're looking at something and says, A spotted miniature donkey jacket Oh my God, I gotta get out of here I gotta go do, I gotta be Adam Carolla's place in half an hour Okay The end Domera, you're the fucking king, as always Always fun man, thank you It couldn't have been more fun It's impossible Anytime you want to do it again We keep doing it, we do it constantly I love it, we'll never stop Domirara I'll be back after Ireland You are officially in the Death Squad now You're comfortable with that?

[2268] I'm very comfortable Desquad Domerara Thank you boys Can we agree?

[2269] We'll have a meeting We'll cut thumbs June 30th, Tropicanna, if I can.

[2270] Boom, please.

[2271] June 30th.

[2272] Go see the great Don Marrera, one of the funniest comics of all time.

[2273] And that's not even, that's even in Comedy Central.

[2274] Ditto, my friends.

[2275] Comedy Central, he even says that.

[2276] Number 79.

[2277] You fucking savage.

[2278] Better than Slaten, he was 78.

[2279] Oh, Slayton.

[2280] Suck it!

[2281] Suck it, Bobby!

[2282] Thank you to the Flashlight for sponsoring our podcast.

[2283] Go to Joe Rogan .net.

[2284] Click on the link for the Flashlight.

[2285] Entering the code name Rogan.

[2286] Save yourself some money.

[2287] It's on 15 % off.

[2288] How about that?

[2289] Thanks also to Onet .com.

[2290] On N -N -I -T.

[2291] makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, which I take before I work out, which keeps me so yoked.

[2292] Shroom Tech Immune pumps up your immune system and new mood, which is a 5HTP.

[2293] So it's all that explain on it .com.

[2294] It's fabulous.

[2295] It's wonderful.

[2296] And we got kettlebells coming out very soon.

[2297] O -N -N -I -T .com.

[2298] Talk to you freaks soon.

[2299] Oh, next, what do we got tomorrow?

[2300] We have Joey Cocoa Diaz.

[2301] Yes.

[2302] Joey Diaz is tomorrow.

[2303] At 1 o 'clock, I believe.

[2304] And then we got Burke Chrysher.

[2305] What time is Burr Crusher?

[2306] Burr Crush is on Thursday.

[2307] Cool.

[2308] Sweet.

[2309] Is that what I said?

[2310] I didn't know about Burr Crusher.

[2311] I shouldn't be taking care of this.

[2312] I'm too fucking scatterbrained to be, I made a tweet about it.

[2313] Let me read my tweet, my own tweet, so I'll know who's on a podcast this week.

[2314] I want to get one of these little zebra or cherry dart.

[2315] You don't want to have a fucking zebra wandered around your household, dude.

[2316] What about this little horse thing?

[2317] What was it called again?

[2318] A cherry dart?

[2319] Bird Crashers on Thursday, yes.

[2320] I just wanted to confirm, because I wasn't.

[2321] Because I know there was, we tried to do another day, but he couldn't make it.

[2322] And then next week, we got Shane Smith coming up, base nectar.

[2323] We got a lot of shit coming out.

[2324] Bobcat.

[2325] Bobcat, Goldthwaite next Wednesday.

[2326] So next Wednesday we got a, that's a hot three right there, ladies and gentlemen.

[2327] Base nectar.

[2328] Come on, son.

[2329] We're going to have a good time.

[2330] And Shane Smith will return and tell us some more fucking crazy stories about wherever that guy's been all over the world.

[2331] Sweet.

[2332] You got to get Anthony Burdane on the show and talk about Olive Garden.

[2333] Bro, Olive Garden sucks.

[2334] You got to shut it up.

[2335] He's going to stab you.

[2336] Anthony Bordane's going to stab you.

[2337] I'll see you guys tomorrow.

[2338] Early.

[2339] It'll be 1 o 'clock for Joey Dias.

[2340] Later.