Aubrey Plaza

[0] Hello, can I say hello instead of hi?

[1] Hello, my name is Aubrey Plaza, and I feel totally fine about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Sorry, that was just the first thing that came out.

[3] It's honest.

[4] Yeah, if nothing else, it's honest.

[5] She's within her rights.

[6] It's not like I'm a needy person.

[7] I don't trust it.

[8] That's my problem.

[9] You don't trust it at all?

[10] Not around these parts.

[11] The American West?

[12] Back to school.

[13] Ring the bell.

[14] Brand new shoes.

[15] Walking blues.

[16] Climb the fence, books and pens.

[17] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[18] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[19] Hey there.

[20] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[21] We have a terrific show today.

[22] Very excited about it.

[23] I think my voice is getting better for podcasting.

[24] You do start out every episode with a very broadcaster voice.

[25] I do.

[26] Forget about it about 30 seconds.

[27] It's funny, probably my most self -conscious moment is when I say, hey, everybody, and welcome to Cooner O 'Brien needs a friend.

[28] And then I just become myself.

[29] But at the very beginning, I'm thinking, well, it's time to start this podcast, and I get a little of this kind of voice going.

[30] It isn't horrible, though.

[31] It's kind of sultry.

[32] Maybe I should have this more often.

[33] This more mollifluous.

[34] Yeah.

[35] And because then, literally, 10 minutes in, I'm like, eh.

[36] And I'm wondering, because I forget myself.

[37] Yeah.

[38] And so maybe you should have a signal when I should speak like a man again.

[39] Okay.

[40] You can see that.

[41] A little signal once in a while.

[42] We'll have a little light on the wall with a beard on it.

[43] That's great.

[44] Yeah.

[45] That's terrific.

[46] Yeah.

[47] And then I know to just pull it back in like this and go, all right.

[48] It's time for some smooth jazz.

[49] Oh, yeah.

[50] Well, no, it's not.

[51] Huh?

[52] What are you doing?

[53] I'm getting turned on.

[54] Okay.

[55] What can I say?

[56] I love my boss.

[57] Hey, I want to talk about something that really happened.

[58] I always believe in pulling the curtain back, letting the listener know what's really going on here.

[59] We're people.

[60] I know you think of us as gods, but we're people.

[61] Right.

[62] And today we had a very nice surprise.

[63] Your wife brought your relatively new daughter to work.

[64] You're talking about King's Eyesmore, the Chub Lord?

[65] What?

[66] My daughter?

[67] Is that your nickname for her?

[68] You always have these strange nicknames that are, you know, it's not like, oh, hi, winky dear, or her's little poo, Your nicknames go on for like 15 minutes.

[69] Yeah.

[70] Can I hear some of them?

[71] Well, there's Bill Squishman, founder Squishman Enterprises, co -founder, Siegel Squishman Dynamics, Quality Through Cuteness.

[72] Nice.

[73] The Golden State Pooper.

[74] By the time you get done saying the first one, she's like out the gate and down the road.

[75] Where'd she go?

[76] She took off a half an hour ago when I started her nickname.

[77] All right, let's hear another one.

[78] The Pee Pee -P queen of Pasadena, King Seismore the Chub Lord.

[79] Wow.

[80] King size, what?

[81] King Size Moore, the Chub Lord.

[82] Okay, very good.

[83] Mrs. Squeaks, Cheeks for Weeks, for Weeks, Captain Howdy Lipsop Howdy.

[84] Glennamy, Glenn the friend.

[85] I have a list.

[86] Let me see.

[87] You weren't reading from a list right there?

[88] No. Those are just off the top of my head.

[89] Master Blaster, that's when she's breastfeeding.

[90] When she's breastfeeding?

[91] And is this from the Beyond Thunderdome Master Blaster?

[92] Yes.

[93] Is the idea that she's the little creature that is controlling your wife?

[94] Yeah.

[95] Okay.

[96] He, by the way, lived in an apartment in my hometown.

[97] What, the actor who played him?

[98] Yeah, who played Master Blaster.

[99] Who played Master of Master Blaster.

[100] Because it was a little person on top of a big...

[101] Yeah, so I remember Master Blaster quite well.

[102] Yeah.

[103] He lived in your building?

[104] No, he lived in an apartment building in Whittier where I grew up.

[105] Okay.

[106] By the way, useful digression.

[107] One of your better...

[108] Got you.

[109] And Pizzuzoo's Petals, May Day.

[110] Dimpleton drool beard and I think that's about it for now Okay Is there a way I could get her a therapist now Is there a way that Because she's going to need a therapy Because you're an insufferable man I'm sure yes You're around going oh oh It's Glenna Glenda Gougoo Gagalli Here comes little Miss Molly She's jolly Bolly Golly Golly Wally Right that down Bolly Stali Write that down No you seem so happy We, you know, we walked in today to our podcast studio and you got this beautiful girl.

[111] And you seem happy.

[112] You seem legitimately happy.

[113] You know, it's never been happy.

[114] It enrages me. Like, how do I see?

[115] I had a kid just to be this happy so I could enrage you.

[116] Yes.

[117] Well, it worked.

[118] Yeah.

[119] It worked.

[120] That's fantastic.

[121] No, it's fantastic.

[122] And by the way, they'll come a day later on when your children are older because my children are older.

[123] They're in their late 40s.

[124] Well, they'll come by and they won't be that interested in coming and seeing you at work.

[125] I remember when my kids would come and visit me as little, I'd bring my daughter to work when I was at Rockefeller Center doing the late night show and I remember just her looking at all the cameras and thinking this is so amazing and now it would just all get an eye roll with all of this, yeah, everything I do.

[126] That's going to break my heart.

[127] When your daughter finds what you do is boring?

[128] Yeah.

[129] Yeah, that's what happens though.

[130] I know, I just, I don't care she finds what I do boring, but just that she's not interested to spend time together.

[131] I'm already...

[132] Oh, that's going to happen very soon, Matt.

[133] Much earlier for you than most parents.

[134] What do you mean?

[135] Are you kidding?

[136] No, because you're going to...

[137] We're fast friends, we're buddies, we're chums.

[138] No, no, you're not.

[139] You're going to say, oh, look at these really cool.

[140] I got these really great porcelain mugs at the Rose Bowl swap meet.

[141] They were built in the 50s, but look at the ridge right here on the handle.

[142] Isn't that cool?

[143] That's, you know, Russell Wright made these.

[144] The hell are you talking about right now?

[145] You'll just go on and on about this board game that you found.

[146] It's really cool.

[147] and it's got Eisenhower in it.

[148] And you've got another year with your daughter where she's really enjoying her time with you.

[149] I think you just...

[150] The minute she can decipher these ridiculous nicknames, you're over.

[151] Well, they're indecipherable, so we're good.

[152] Okay.

[153] Yeah.

[154] It's, uh, I just, I encourage you.

[155] I encourage you to start planning now.

[156] Okay.

[157] For the time, the dead time.

[158] It's tough.

[159] It's tough.

[160] And the thing is, it's healthy.

[161] You want them...

[162] Oh, yeah.

[163] You want them to, uh, Individuate.

[164] That's the word my wife keeps saying.

[165] I won't force any of this stuff on her.

[166] You know how I got my children to individuate from me?

[167] How?

[168] I'm awful.

[169] It's a little meth that I came up with called being awful.

[170] I'm taking notes.

[171] I'm learning a lot.

[172] They're very happy to leave the nest when Papa is an awful, awful man. All right.

[173] My guest today played April Ludgate on Park.

[174] and recreation and has starred in such films as Ingrid goes west and a happiest season.

[175] Now you can see her in the new movie, Emily, the Criminal.

[176] Aubrey Plaza, welcome.

[177] Jesus Christ.

[178] Wow.

[179] That was clearing my throat.

[180] Aubrey, it's so nice to see you.

[181] You know I adore you.

[182] I'm very happy to have you here.

[183] Okay.

[184] Great, terrific.

[185] Thank you.

[186] Me too.

[187] Oh, my God.

[188] Me too.

[189] Me too.

[190] We'll be back with Big Bowl of Awkward after these messages.

[191] Fuck.

[192] No, Aubrey, I love having you here.

[193] I'm so glad that you're, first of all, you're back in the States.

[194] You were just telling us you were in Italy for a long time.

[195] Seat.

[196] Suting for White Lotus.

[197] See?

[198] And now you're back.

[199] Sweet.

[200] And, man, this is already.

[201] I think we've had a real connection.

[202] Yeah.

[203] You know?

[204] Few words spoken, big connection.

[205] Huge connection.

[206] Oh, so you're on this, too.

[207] No. No, no, no. He's a technician.

[208] Oh, okay.

[209] Yeah, that's Matt Goreley, and I don't, this is the first time I've heard him speak.

[210] The first day here.

[211] Not supposed to be here.

[212] Yeah, actually not a technician.

[213] You said you were, but you've never had any experience.

[214] No, it's not even my name, Matt Gorley.

[215] You're a great improviser.

[216] No, no, no. I'm Shaz Ripley.

[217] Get off me. Get on yourselves.

[218] Aubrey, we've known each other a long time.

[219] Of course, you're on my show many times, a terrific guest.

[220] My favorite show.

[221] Well, that's very nice.

[222] We put that on a loop.

[223] My favorite show.

[224] My favorite show, my favorite show.

[225] You were on my show many, many times, a terrific guest, always yourself, very unique energy.

[226] And I love that because I was always on the hunt for people that would come on the show and create something real in the moment.

[227] And you always did that, which made me very happy.

[228] Well, I attribute that to you, Conan.

[229] So do I. Yeah.

[230] I do too.

[231] You're not dead in the eyes.

[232] I mean, most of the time.

[233] Yeah, these are contacts.

[234] I bought contacts that have actual simulated life in them.

[235] But, you know, there's so much to talk about.

[236] First of all, I'm obsessed with this.

[237] I am 100 % Irish.

[238] 100 % Irish.

[239] And it's a terrible, terrible thing.

[240] No. Oh, trust me. It's not good.

[241] Oh, okay.

[242] You are, is this correct?

[243] You are half Irish, half Puerto Rican?

[244] See?

[245] Yeah.

[246] Well, my mom is Irish.

[247] But, I mean, she's a couple other things, too, but she's mostly Irish.

[248] But what happens is I always envy people who are some mix of ethnicities because I think that's healthier.

[249] You have different parts of you adding to the mix, whereas I just have inbred insanity in my head.

[250] I'm sorry.

[251] Do you grow up super Catholic?

[252] Yeah, because I am Irish, but then also my mother, I mean, my mother has a crazy story.

[253] She has one of nine children.

[254] Oh, wow.

[255] And she was adopted or fostered care adopted by this Irish Catholic couple who became my grandparents.

[256] And they are super Irish, like you Irish, Irish, Irish.

[257] And I was kind of raised by them also with my parents.

[258] And so I was throwing in with their kids.

[259] So, yeah, we were, yeah, we were super Catholic.

[260] I went to Catholic school my whole life.

[261] Oh, really?

[262] All girls, Catholic school.

[263] So the nuns, the whole thing?

[264] Oh, yeah.

[265] The nuns.

[266] And because I was kind of with the Raleigh family, we were Irish dancing.

[267] I think I talked about this on your show.

[268] Yeah, you did Irish step dancing.

[269] I competed in Irish stepdancing as a child.

[270] I never went that far.

[271] I was once, I was once, I had to go to a religious instruction once a week, and it was these nuns, and they wore the big nun outfits, and they were up on a high hill in this practically, it was like a big stone tower.

[272] It was called the Seneca.

[273] Yeah, and we were sent there for Catholic instruction.

[274] once a week.

[275] And when I was really little, they sent me there.

[276] I mean, I was old enough to know better, but they were telling me about how much the Romans hated Jesus because of what he was preaching.

[277] And they were saying he was super unpopular.

[278] He was super unpopular.

[279] And I put my hand up and I said, so the women must have been really mad at him.

[280] And they were like, oh, yeah, they were really mad at it.

[281] And I said, did they ever try to kill him?

[282] And they were like, what the fuck?

[283] I mean, they just didn't say that.

[284] That's the whole point of the religion.

[285] And they like pointed out to the crucifix.

[286] And I'm like, right.

[287] Right.

[288] Right.

[289] That wasn't a suicide.

[290] I was so, I was a kid, but I was so horrified.

[291] They didn't let me live that down for a long time.

[292] But as you can see, it didn't stick.

[293] Here I am.

[294] Yeah, you're totally good.

[295] No. I got that out of my system.

[296] Yeah, I'm totally good.

[297] Nothing wrong with me. So you grow up, and were you interested in show business when you were a kid?

[298] Did you know I got show business in my blood?

[299] Yeah, I think so.

[300] I mean, pretty much.

[301] I mean, I think I was like, I mean, I did have show business in my blood on the Puerto Rican side of my family.

[302] My great -grandparents were flamenco dancers.

[303] And they were, I mean, they were like, you know, a long long time ago.

[304] But I was never connected to Hollywood or anything like that.

[305] Right, right.

[306] But I think so.

[307] I don't know.

[308] I was a really quiet kid up until I went to, like, yeah, until I discovered community theater.

[309] I was kind of like shy.

[310] Yeah, like as a younger child, I was.

[311] like, kind of quiet and shy.

[312] If I had talked to you when you were, like, eight, would you have, and I wouldn't have been allowed to talk to you when you were eight, but would you have said, yeah, I'm interested in doing anything involving performing for people, or would that have been the furthest thing from your mind?

[313] I probably would have been, like, come with me in the woods.

[314] I found a skull, and I know it's of a baby.

[315] I was into things like make believe.

[316] That's great.

[317] I'd be like, follow me into the woods.

[318] Are you sure that was make -believe?

[319] Did you find a skull?

[320] Maybe you want to tell us about it.

[321] We have to build a fort and do a ritual because I know it's a baby skull.

[322] I like to play in the woods as an eight -year -old.

[323] Come with me to the woods.

[324] Wow, you'd be a terrible camp counselor.

[325] Well, kids, we're here's your new camp counselor for today.

[326] The new CIT.

[327] Aubrey is going to come with me all to the woods.

[328] I found the skull of a baby.

[329] There must be a ritual.

[330] That'd be fantastic I was in a very delusional child But I never thought like Oh I could actually do that But I was definitely obsessed with movies I mean I was like The minute I had my hands on a video camera In the 90s you know I was just making movies all the time Right which movies did you like When you were young I was never exposed to great films Until I was a teenager And I started working in the video shop Yep Remember those?

[331] So I was I grew up on you know Like Blockbuster movies Spielberg movies all the big ones Ghostbusters but a lot of romantic comedies You liked a rom -com I liked weird movies too Like I'll never forget When I saw For the Boys Starring Bett Midler You know that movie Where she goes on the Is James Con in that too?

[332] Isn't it like a USO tour or something?

[333] Yes and I saw it way too young I saw like weird movies Too young at age Yeah that's not a movie for I mean not that it's a racing movie But it's just not a movie for kids Like a nine -year -old I was like now that's art James Kahn, Bet Midler, U .S .O. shows?

[334] I swear to God.

[335] That's a movie.

[336] Also, you know it had a really big impact on me as designing women.

[337] So I discovered that show in the basement of my foster grandparents' house, and I was not allowed to watch that show as a young child.

[338] Really?

[339] Oh, yeah.

[340] I learned a lot from that show.

[341] Julia Sugarbaker, Delta Burke, Annie Pops.

[342] I don't remember.

[343] What would you have learned from that show?

[344] Sex stuff.

[345] Oh, they do?

[346] I didn't know that was a sexy.

[347] show.

[348] Are you kidding?

[349] All they did was date and talk about having sex and then, I don't know.

[350] But probably with real sly innuendo that wasn't that harsh.

[351] Well, they were just like real sassy Southern women.

[352] So it was always, you know, they're always screaming about something.

[353] They never seem to be doing any work.

[354] No. They're always, and that's the common theme.

[355] In most shows that are about a workplace, no one's working.

[356] Right.

[357] I mean, if you watch, you know, Murphy Brown, they're always sitting around at a tiny table.

[358] They're supposed to be three of the most pop, three or four of the most powerful journalists in the world is basically supposed to be 60 minutes and it's supposed to be Mike Wallace and all these powerful people but they're sitting in a tiny little table that shows them in a multi -camera setting and they're poking at little salads and being goofballs and nothing's getting done.

[359] I want to do a workplace comedy where people just seriously, quietly work the whole time and there's no banter.

[360] Cheers was the closest because they'd at least be delivering drinks and things like that.

[361] Not much.

[362] Okay, well then I'm wrong.

[363] Parks and Rec, you know, we worked a lot in that show.

[364] you did well you did but that was very focused on the tasks that we were doing the comedy came out of the not to make it about that me this isn't about me no it's just a podcast starring you today okay so it is about you yeah on parks and wreck i always did get the feeling that you were doing real work well because yeah because it was like that was what was funny is the weird shit that we were doing at work now before you did parks and rec like many people who have risen to great fame in the business you were an NBC page.

[365] That's right.

[366] You weren't, right?

[367] I was not an NBC page, no. But Regis Philbin, Philbin, Philbin?

[368] That's his name now.

[369] Sorry, Philbin.

[370] Regis Phil.

[371] A name that will live in history.

[372] Regis Philbinanen.

[373] Regis Philbin was an NBC page, I believe.

[374] And you were an NBC page.

[375] I think when I was doing late night, you were an NBC page.

[376] Yeah, you were.

[377] You were.

[378] And you know what?

[379] Because you, because you, because Okay, the way I got my sag card, I don't know if you know that story, but I think I either was a page or I had just, like, left the program, but I kept my uniform, which you're not supposed to do.

[380] And I convinced the, what the fuck was his name?

[381] The guy that shot the pilot for 30 Rock, he directed a lot of the 30 Rock episodes, but he, that, they needed a page to do a tour of your studio because they were shooting on the floor of your studio or something.

[382] And I knew the, yeah, I knew the speech about your studio.

[383] I was like, and welcome the thing of Conan O 'Brien.

[384] And I would make up stuff, but I don't remember what I said.

[385] But because I knew the spiel, I was like, I just let me do it.

[386] I was like, I can do it.

[387] And then he threw me in on camera and I did it.

[388] And because I had a line, you know, the saggy union rules.

[389] They had to give you a card.

[390] Got ready to that union.

[391] You know, here's, okay, this fascinates me because there were pages that worked at 30 Rock, obviously, in real life.

[392] And they would do tours of my studio.

[393] And I remembered accidentally.

[394] listening once to one of the tours and everything they were saying was not true and this page, this one page that I was listening to this was not you was saying that the stars painted on the wall reflect are there because Conan has long been a huge fan of astronomy and I was like brushing my teeth in the hall and I heard this and I went what are they talking about?

[395] No it's late night, stars, stars late at night, that's all it is And people in the crew going, and this person wasn't doing a bit or anything.

[396] That's just, was a piece of misinformation, like a game of telephone that had been passed on over nine different page generations.

[397] Sona talks about this in her book that when she was a page and gave tours, she was just lying about stuff.

[398] Okay, but there was a game that the pages, and this is like, whatever, I don't know if they still do this, but there was a game that all the pages would play where you would go, okay, I'm going to give you three words for your next tour, and you have to, you have to, to incorporate these words into your speech at some point.

[399] And it has to be believable.

[400] And the words were always insane.

[401] I mean, maybe it was, you know, it was like penguin or whatever.

[402] And then you'd be like, and this studio is cold because 10 years ago they had penguins on the show.

[403] And they had to, you know, raise the temperature and then they just, they never changed it or whatever.

[404] And that's real.

[405] You did tell a tour group that...

[406] I did say something about penguins.

[407] Yeah, because our studio was cold.

[408] And the reason it was kept cold is because of all the lights and the ceiling.

[409] Right.

[410] Once you get an audience and you turn the...

[411] the lights on, temperature goes up like 15 degrees, so you have to keep it artificially cold so that it's comfortable once the show is going.

[412] Yeah, but also so people don't fall asleep.

[413] Not that they would.

[414] Not that they would.

[415] Oh, my God, they lied to you about, they lied to me about the light temperature.

[416] No, but it's not like a...

[417] That's also why they electrified the sleep.

[418] I was just going to say this.

[419] No, no, but...

[420] Number three, three C is falling asleep.

[421] No, no. No, no. I mean, right.

[422] No one could, if I were performing, You got to keep him awake.

[423] You got to keep him awake.

[424] Well, that was what I always heard about Letterman, is that he liked the studio cold because it kept the audience on their toes.

[425] I didn't want it to be warm, but I didn't necessarily want it to be cold.

[426] It's just, I know, good guy.

[427] It's very cold in here right now.

[428] It is freezing in here, but that's for a whole different reason.

[429] We store government surplus meat in the back.

[430] That's how we pay for us.

[431] Yeah, that's how he paid for everything.

[432] That's a side business of ours.

[433] This is, like, one of the most terrifying rooms I've ever been in.

[434] What are you talking about?

[435] That's just weird, dude.

[436] Oh, just because there are pictures of me all over the place with no shirt on?

[437] This is an audio thing.

[438] You were in the forest with child skulls.

[439] I know.

[440] I love anyone who was like, come to the forest.

[441] I have the skull of a child.

[442] Wow, this podcast studio is creepy.

[443] What a creepy play.

[444] Not enough skulls.

[445] I don't know.

[446] It is not weird.

[447] It's a beautiful deep blue.

[448] It's a lot of gadgets and stuff.

[449] Whatever.

[450] So, whatever.

[451] Whatever you got to do.

[452] man, whatever you want.

[453] I got to do this.

[454] So you lied on the tour and told people things about me that weren't true.

[455] Do we have any interactions?

[456] I don't know if we did.

[457] No, no. No, I was way too, too drunk to have the confidence to talk to anybody.

[458] I noticed when I first was working at my job at late night, pages would scurry past me and seem kind of nervous.

[459] And I remember talking to one once and they said, I was told not to make eye contact with you.

[460] Oh, yeah.

[461] And I found out that that was a holdover from like the past, but I need eye contact a little too much.

[462] I love chatting people up.

[463] I'm constantly chatting up.

[464] You're doing it right now.

[465] Let's make it more comfortable.

[466] I love eye contact.

[467] And, um, yeah.

[468] There were a lot of things like that.

[469] I think that that's what made that, at least at the time that I was in it, that's what made the page program kind of exciting because there were so many holdover like weird, yeah, just like weird things like that you would have to do.

[470] or no, and you felt kind of, even if, yeah, even if it was weird like that, you felt like, well, like part of something.

[471] You have to, yeah, but also I've noticed that, I don't know if you've noticed this, but once you became a known person, sometimes there are people that say things on your behalf that you don't even agree with.

[472] Yeah.

[473] And you find out later, well, we were told before you came that there was to be no mention of donuts because, you know, and you're like, what?

[474] What are you talking about?

[475] And it was someone, not playing a prank, but someone who was well -intentioned, who misunderstood something telling you, telling people beforehand, and then you realize how much of this is going on around me where people were told, whatever you do.

[476] Gourle, were you told before you met me?

[477] I was told to engage in conversation about astronomy with you.

[478] That's why I gave you the job.

[479] Because it's a fascination of mine.

[480] That's why I covered the studio.

[481] Clearly, and we're in like a fucking spaceship right now.

[482] It's not a spaceship.

[483] A bunch of lasers pointed right at my...

[484] Dick.

[485] It's a...

[486] What?

[487] It's a blue.

[488] It was very charged and erotic.

[489] No, those are just cameras and you're doing a lot of stretching while you're here.

[490] Let me describe...

[491] I've been in Italy for five months.

[492] Manja.

[493] Yes.

[494] There's no confined space like Italy.

[495] I feel like I'm still on a goddamn plane in this room.

[496] Okay, the plane makes sense.

[497] Yeah, this does feel like that.

[498] Why are you stretching so much?

[499] Because I've been in Italy for six months.

[500] I'm broken!

[501] It broke me. Did you have a good thing?

[502] time in Italy?

[503] Come on.

[504] Yes, but we're not talking about that right?

[505] Yes, we are.

[506] Fuck, no. Yeah.

[507] I still got a process.

[508] I got to go to therapy.

[509] No, yeah, I had a great time.

[510] How much therapy do you get?

[511] I don't know.

[512] How much do you want?

[513] Yeah.

[514] A lot.

[515] It's good.

[516] I'm a big believer in it.

[517] Do you got a good one?

[518] We don't want to talk about it now.

[519] Do I have a good therapist?

[520] I do, actually.

[521] I'll send you to my therapist.

[522] Promise?

[523] Yeah.

[524] Okay.

[525] It's three large men.

[526] Really?

[527] Yeah.

[528] Just big fat guys.

[529] I'm not allowed to go to men anymore.

[530] Oh, really?

[531] What happened?

[532] What went wrong?

[533] What did you do?

[534] I don't know, but I have to talk about that, and next session.

[535] Okay.

[536] Well, let's figure that out.

[537] Are you really all, you can't go to a male therapist anymore?

[538] I made this rule for myself.

[539] Good.

[540] That's probably good.

[541] I do have to say I do like a woman therapist.

[542] I find that I'm more relaxed around a woman therapist.

[543] When it's a guy, I get kind of competitive with them.

[544] And I think, well, I think I figured out my issue faster than you.

[545] I'm not going to explain my psychology, but let's just say, it's not a good idea.

[546] Not a good idea.

[547] We won't go there.

[548] I don't know.

[549] I'll take whoever you got.

[550] Just give them to me. Now.

[551] I want that therapist.

[552] Now, maybe I'm the therapist right now.

[553] Maybe you are.

[554] I am very good.

[555] I'm very empathetic.

[556] Shut up, Gorley.

[557] I'm very empathetic.

[558] All right, well, here's how I feel.

[559] I feel like my boundaries have been pummeled.

[560] Really?

[561] Yeah.

[562] That's terrible.

[563] And I'm not going to stand for it anymore.

[564] Well, you shouldn't, and that'll be $900.

[565] Okay.

[566] Great.

[567] Here's the sense I get of you, Aubrey.

[568] I almost called you Audrey, but I'm going to call you Aubrey instead.

[569] Whatever.

[570] It's your name.

[571] You can't say whatever.

[572] and roll your eyes about your name.

[573] Names.

[574] Hello, Alice.

[575] Aubrey, I think that you're very good at defending your boundaries.

[576] You think?

[577] I do, because all you have to do is, I mean, you're intimidating person sometimes.

[578] I'm not.

[579] You are.

[580] You are.

[581] This is my, this is, this is a, this is, no. Yes, yes, you are.

[582] I'm gonna, I'm making a left turn.

[583] Didn't remember when you played basketball?

[584] Didn't you do something on the court one time like you?

[585] What?

[586] Convinced someone to give me the ball.

[587] What was it?

[588] It was like, I think.

[589] Do you threaten them or something?

[590] No. Was this in real life?

[591] Why do people project this on me?

[592] First of all, how do you know these things, Matt?

[593] She was on a basketball team with my wife and then I had a podcast where we would call play by play of the basketball game, but I don't know anything about that.

[594] There's a documentary about it.

[595] I'm the villain in it.

[596] You're not the villain?

[597] I am too, dude.

[598] Well, you're threatening.

[599] Can you do a little bit of backstory so we get to understand this plot?

[600] Yes.

[601] So Aubrey and my wife, Amanda, and other women were on this women's league wreck basketball team.

[602] in L .A. And it was just all these kind of writers, performers, and then other just basketball players that would play nights.

[603] It was great.

[604] And then it became kind of a sensation.

[605] And there's a documentary about this team that they were on called Pistol Shrimps.

[606] And then I think you jumped ship of that team to move to your boyfriend at the time.

[607] I traded myself live on ESPN.

[608] This is a fact, which by the way, nobody gave a shit.

[609] But Kenny Maine, you know Kenny Maine?

[610] He's my friend.

[611] I've known him for years.

[612] I convinced him let me go on ESPN because it was right after the decision, LeBron James.

[613] What was it called the big decision?

[614] Yes, he made this very dramatic decision.

[615] I did my own decision.

[616] No one gave a shit.

[617] I went on ESPN and traded myself to the spice squirrels.

[618] Yeah.

[619] Because...

[620] Is this why you were vilified?

[621] Yes.

[622] Oh, I see.

[623] I traded myself to a different team.

[624] And here's why.

[625] Because I wanted to play basketball as a hobby.

[626] I was trying to get away from work.

[627] And bless the Pistol Shrimp's hearts.

[628] I love them all.

[629] I had a great time on the team.

[630] But I just wanted to do it to get my anger out, my frustration.

[631] I like to play sports.

[632] And then I kept showing up to the thing.

[633] And then all of a sudden they'd be like, all right, so we're doing practice.

[634] And then we're doing a photo shoot for the cover of the LA Weekly.

[635] And I'd be like, a photo shoot.

[636] I'm trying to get away from the photo shoot.

[637] What are you talking about?

[638] We're just trying to play ball.

[639] Because it's all actors.

[640] You get a bunch of actors and writers and everyone together on a team.

[641] Then everyone starts to make it.

[642] And it was funny.

[643] When you guys started calling the games, that was funny.

[644] But then strangers started showing them to the game.

[645] I know.

[646] They had signs with my name on it.

[647] I'm like, I have an audience now.

[648] I'm just trying to play basketball.

[649] This is getting you away from your escape.

[650] That's the problem.

[651] I was just trying to play ball, bro.

[652] Just trying to play some.

[653] You're talking to me. I'm an old time baller, bro.

[654] Hey, bra.

[655] I'm an old time baller.

[656] So.

[657] It was funny, though.

[658] Like, I like how it escalated, but I was, I started having panic attacks because I would show up to the games and I would see a fucking audience.

[659] I don't play.

[660] I'm like, these people are watching me play basketball.

[661] I got to, like, perform for them now.

[662] I know, and then there was a whole dance squad that grew up around it.

[663] And that became all political.

[664] And then, anyway, and then the reason I traded myself is because I want to play with my sister.

[665] And there were rules on the league.

[666] Like, you couldn't, once the roster was set, you couldn't just randomly play on a random team.

[667] And I wanted to play with my sister, so they wouldn't let me. So I then played on another team in disguise.

[668] I wore a wig.

[669] You were a way.

[670] It's right.

[671] In a different jersey.

[672] I'm sorry.

[673] You cannot play basketball in a disguise.

[674] No, they didn't know I was in disguise.

[675] I've never heard of that before.

[676] No, no, they didn't know.

[677] I was in the sky.

[678] No, I know.

[679] I'm sure they didn't know, but it's just so hilarious to me that you would glue on a mustache and say, I am Antonio, the basketball player.

[680] I wore a blonde wig with goggles.

[681] I gave them a fake ID, got on the court.

[682] Literally, first quarter, my ACL tour, on the court, all eyes on me. And I was trying to, you know, be in disguise.

[683] I was like, I don't want anyone, like, you know?

[684] Is it possible that you got?

[685] injured because you were so committed to being this other person it was karma it was karma I don't know it was like oh you don't want anyone to see you in disguise like your knee's gonna fucking snap right in half everyone's gonna watch you everyone's gonna watch you get carried out of here I love the idea of someone switching to like a different league or a different team and you know playing in a disguise yeah I just think that's fantastic yeah and I don't I don't understand that you could really try and pull that off I did so what was that you said there was a moment where Aubrey had to convince someone to give her the ball no what happened was first of all I didn't threaten anybody it was very civil we were down like we were never winning the game like we were done it was like the last quarter and it was the point card of the other team and she was and I was on her I was defending her and I just she kept she knew who I was or something and she was being a little sassy with me she was like yo like can I got a picture with you after the game or like in the game she was like and I was like yeah if you give me the ball right now because she was coming down the court on her side and she was like I don't give a shit and and then gave me the ball, and then I just, and everyone, because nobody heard our conversation, so they didn't understand, like, what the fuck did you say to her for the point guard to just be like, all right, here.

[686] And I just went back and did a layup and didn't matter.

[687] We still lost.

[688] There's another idea I love, which is someone who plays on a basketball team who's maybe either extremely famous in another way, not basketball, or maybe just independently very wealthy.

[689] So they're guarding someone, and it's just understood that if you give that, if you give my character the ball, he'll give you $25 ,000 in cash.

[690] And then he just pays up at the end.

[691] And then at the end, he's like, okay, you get $75 ,000, you get $650 ,000.

[692] And people are like, this is insane, but he scores like 55 points a game.

[693] I love scams like this.

[694] It's not a good scam.

[695] Oh, I'm sorry.

[696] That's a terrible scam.

[697] Whatever.

[698] All right.

[699] So here's my question.

[700] You go from, you're this very creative.

[701] I was going to say strange, and I shouldn't.

[702] That's a judgment.

[703] You were a very creative, ethereal child hanging out in the woods.

[704] discovering skulls, building small, ritualistic altars, performing God knows what kind of incantations.

[705] Then you go through life and somehow, and you're a page and you're a lying page, saying things that aren't true, and then somehow you get on this terrific TV show in a role that just was perfect for you, this great role as April in Parks and Rec.

[706] And so I'm just curious, how did that happen?

[707] How did you get that part?

[708] so it's a weird like series of little things that happened but but that specifically was because I didn't even know how to start but basically I came out to L .A. because I was like up for Judd Apatel's movie Funny People which I got but like he was trying to cast a completely unknown comedian.

[709] That's a whole different story but where he wanted to cast a stand -up comedian and I wasn't doing stand -up but I was doing improv and sketch comedy at UCB.

[710] But I like I basically like pretended to be a stand -up to get that part or whatever.

[711] And then Allison Jones was casting that movie.

[712] And I didn't have an agent at the time.

[713] But I, because I made it up the ranks of the audition process for that, I flew out to L .A. for one week to do a chemistry read with Seth Rogen.

[714] And then while I was in L .A., Allison Jones was like, would you mind going on a couple other meetings?

[715] And how do you feel about that?

[716] And I had no idea it was going on because I'm like, this is crazy.

[717] I was like, you know, I had nothing going on for me. Like in New York, I was like doing comedy stuff.

[718] But I was like, sure like I'll go to whatever meeting you want lady I don't give a shit and then and then so she like basically said this is infuriating any actor oh I know believe me I know there's so many starving actors out there like I'm sorry I'm Allison Jones top casting director would you go on a few big time reads hey lady I don't know I got nothing to do I don't give a shit first of all I was kidding yeah I know I know I know Allison Jones changed my life okay as I'm sure she's changed so many people's lives but she She, okay, well, she, well, not everyone, you know, went to, whatever.

[719] You know what she did.

[720] But she went to the devil and signed a contract in 1993.

[721] You know what you did.

[722] That's what I did.

[723] You know what you did.

[724] But I, yeah, so she was like, I'm going to send you on these couple meetings or whatever.

[725] One of them is with the creators of the office.

[726] And the office was on the air at the time.

[727] It was huge.

[728] So I was like, yeah, like, I'll go to meet the office people.

[729] give a shit lady.

[730] And then, and so, and so, but I was in L .A. for the first time.

[731] So I was like, L .A., like, I was wearing jean shorts.

[732] Like, I was like, I don't, I didn't realize the weight of that meeting.

[733] And then, so I went to the set of the office.

[734] It was like somewhere in the fucking valley or I don't even know where I was.

[735] But all, and I, all I remember was like, I went into, I think it was Mike Scher's office.

[736] I kept seeing the actors from the office, like Mindy Kaling and B .J. Novick.

[737] And people like, oh my God, that's the, those are the people in the office.

[738] office.

[739] And he was like, that's because we're on the set of the office.

[740] And I was like, this is crazy, dude.

[741] And then he was, and then we were waiting for Greg Daniels.

[742] And then Greg came in.

[743] And again, they hadn't, I don't, they hadn't written the pilot at that point.

[744] They were just talking about the idea, they had Amy and they were talking about the ideas for the pilot or something.

[745] And then I don't even know what I did in that meeting.

[746] Mike Scher says, like, she was the weirdest person I ever met.

[747] I wasn't being weird, okay?

[748] I don't even know what I was doing.

[749] But Greg came in.

[750] and then you know how weird Greg is and then Greg and I like immediately just I don't even we literally started talking about the meaning of life or I don't even know what we were talking about it was like we were high or something like he came in and he was like what happens after you die I'm like okay this is what I've been saying I don't know dude like what do you think and then we were and then we were like this is Greg's process by the way this is how he casts I swear well apparently was awful in his audition but then had a really good theory for what lies at the end of the universe and Greg, that's what Greg wanted to know.

[751] All I remember is like, I have an image of Greg, like, I want to say he was like doing a Rubik's Cube.

[752] He wasn't.

[753] But I want to say he was like knitting something or, I don't know.

[754] If it was Greg, he was probably knitting a Rubik's cube.

[755] Okay, he was like knitting a Rubik's cube.

[756] A functional Rubik's cube.

[757] He wasn't making a lot of eye contact.

[758] And I just remember he was like, I don't know.

[759] And I was looking at him and we were just, I was like, this guy is really weird.

[760] And then we were talking and then Mike was just watching it like what am I watching here and then then he started telling me the idea for the show and he was like Amy's going to have an assistant and maybe she's going to be like this and then I was like that's a stupid idea or something not really but I was basically like she should have an assistant that's like a college intern that's like really smart that is just doing it for credit and like hates everybody but like is good at our job but doesn't give a shit about it or something I pitched him to character.

[761] basically.

[762] And then he was like, uh, okay.

[763] And then, um, and then I think, and then that was it.

[764] And then, and then I heard.

[765] I told Greg Daniels exactly what my character was.

[766] I did this show and he went, uh, okay.

[767] Whatever.

[768] No, I don't know.

[769] I'm pretty sure that's what happened.

[770] And then I pitched in that and then basically I found, that was it.

[771] And then I left and I'm like, wow, I was weird.

[772] And then basically a couple weeks later or something, they called me. They're like, you're you're in this show and I think the original pilot that they wrote the character's name was Aubrey it was just Aubrey in the pilot and then they and then when NBC I guess was gonna sign off on me they made me audition to play myself yeah they were like you got to audition now I'm like to play myself like I hope I get the part like and then yeah then I went in and did an audition where I was I don't even know what I did and then they changed them to April and then that was it and I'm like great I didn't even want to be on TV I was trying to be in movies, bro.

[773] Let me just say one thing, because it's just sometimes the universe, everything comes together and too nice a way.

[774] Greg Daniels, who is, you know, running the office and with Mike Schurie is doing Parks and Recreation, he and I started out in the business together, you know, just quick disclosure as writing partners and we've been friends forever and we text each other all the time.

[775] And Greg is, I love him and he's brilliant and really super funny.

[776] He's a little, his mind works differently.

[777] this is a text I got on my way this morning to Larchmont to come do this podcast, not knowing that Greg's name would even come up.

[778] I'm just going to talk to Aubrey.

[779] I get this text out of the booth from Greg.

[780] I haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks, and I just get this text.

[781] How you doing?

[782] I had a weird dream you hurt your left hand.

[783] Hope you're great.

[784] I never, I just picked up my phone and was like, okay, you brought up Greg, I've got to...

[785] I don't know.

[786] That sounds sexual.

[787] I know.

[788] So I'll be calling him later to find out exactly what happened You heard your left hand jerking me off What's up?

[789] It's me, Greg, remember us?

[790] Jesus, you're Daniels?

[791] In the dreams?

[792] We both, it's a...

[793] What the hell happened here?

[794] You've numbed your left hand for the stranger.

[795] Yeah, what were you doing with your left hand?

[796] You're Greggy.

[797] Little Greggie?

[798] Yeah, exactly.

[799] Not a little Greggie.

[800] It's made of concrete that thing.

[801] It broke my hand.

[802] You guys are sick.

[803] You're sick.

[804] You did this.

[805] You introduced that whole image and then circled around and accused me of being a purve.

[806] It's really you two weird Catholics at the end of the table.

[807] I know.

[808] I know.

[809] If it's wrong, it feels so good.

[810] Right, Conan?

[811] Well, that's interesting.

[812] That's fascinating.

[813] When you got this part and then you're off and running.

[814] I got that part.

[815] I got funny people and I got Scott Pilgrim versus the World directed by Edgar Wright in one week.

[816] Oh, my God.

[817] When does that happen?

[818] Man, I was in the right time.

[819] of the right place and the right jean shorts.

[820] You know, I just realized that when I auditioned for the late night show in 93, I was wearing very short jean shorts.

[821] Oh, really?

[822] I think that.

[823] Remember when I first met you for this podcast?

[824] You were wearing super short jean shorts.

[825] Hey, you got to show a little leg, baby.

[826] A little bit more than that.

[827] You're going to show that a little undershell.

[828] You want to play in the big leagues.

[829] That little overhang that Tom Cruise climbs in Mission Impossible.

[830] I learned that.

[831] Yeah.

[832] I was lucky.

[833] I was a lucky little waitress from Queens.

[834] Nice.

[835] It all worked out.

[836] It all worked out.

[837] And I'm still miserable.

[838] You are not miserable.

[839] Come on.

[840] You've never been more comfortable and happy and so fulfilled in your life.

[841] That's the kind of therapy I would do is that with a therapist.

[842] If someone go, I'm kind of worried, you're not worried.

[843] Shut up.

[844] That's what I want.

[845] I just want some reassurance.

[846] I would do that.

[847] That's the kind of therapist I would be.

[848] I really do think I'd do a good job if I was your therapist.

[849] And I think you'd like coming to see me. And as men go, I'm not that much of a man. I was going to say.

[850] I'm sort of more of a female therapist.

[851] You should wear those jeans shirts.

[852] I would do it if we did it back to back.

[853] What do you mean?

[854] You turn around, I turn around.

[855] I'd do that.

[856] Confession style.

[857] Yeah, I'd do that.

[858] I think there are certain similarities that we have.

[859] I think we are somewhat conflicted about our past.

[860] We have churning, burbling, inner psyches.

[861] And we love to both.

[862] play in the pool of awkward.

[863] Is this your pitch for being my therapist?

[864] Yes.

[865] But, oh, I think I'd be terrific.

[866] I really do think I could help you.

[867] Okay, fine.

[868] You just say that about everything.

[869] I'd love to do.

[870] What I'm hearing is let's just start a session right now.

[871] Let's go.

[872] Let's do it.

[873] How are you, Aubrey?

[874] I don't know.

[875] I feel broken.

[876] Really?

[877] What makes you feel you're broken?

[878] I don't know.

[879] It just something feels wrong.

[880] Like something feels wrong, but I just don't know where it is.

[881] Okay.

[882] Well.

[883] On paper, everything seems good, but.

[884] But I don't know.

[885] I'm sorry, I have a canoli here.

[886] Do you mind if I eat it while you talk?

[887] I got it on the way in.

[888] I know we're not supposed to eat.

[889] I'm literally triggered by canollies right now.

[890] I've been in Sicily for four months.

[891] If I see another goddamn cannolly, I swear to a yacht.

[892] Okay, I'll just eat it a little later.

[893] Do you mind if I have some yuhu?

[894] I have a little yu here.

[895] That's fine.

[896] Okay.

[897] That's fine.

[898] That's fine.

[899] So why do you think you feel broken?

[900] Oh, I don't know.

[901] No, no, no. I don't know.

[902] I don't know.

[903] Oh, man, that's good.

[904] And chocolatey.

[905] Oh, God.

[906] So I really think that...

[907] Can you just cross your legs?

[908] It's the wide open stance.

[909] Sure, I'll cross them.

[910] They're very weak, so I have to actually lift one and put it over the other.

[911] Let's see, there we go.

[912] God.

[913] God, these are short jeans shorts.

[914] God.

[915] So what do you think is making you up tight right now, he said, wearing his very short, tight jean shorts with canoli flour all over his kneecap.

[916] and yoo -hoo on his lips.

[917] What do you think is bothering you?

[918] I don't know.

[919] Just, good.

[920] I'm good.

[921] Aubrey, do you think you could get me an audition for something?

[922] I know that you're a big deal in the industry.

[923] I'll just like to work in film.

[924] Is that possible?

[925] Is this crossing some kind of boundary?

[926] No, I'll do whatever you want.

[927] I deserve this.

[928] Great.

[929] I deserve this.

[930] I'll just slide this headshot across to you.

[931] Thank you.

[932] I'll spend all my time working on this.

[933] That's a quad split on the back.

[934] That's me as a nerd.

[935] Me as a cool guy.

[936] Me as a construction worker.

[937] and me as a guy who makes it a pizza pie.

[938] Ah!

[939] I think that went really well.

[940] Me too.

[941] Thank you so much.

[942] I helped you a lot.

[943] Yeah, I'm good.

[944] You're good now?

[945] Yeah, we're good.

[946] Wow.

[947] I fixed you.

[948] Let's talk about your film, Emily the Criminal.

[949] Okay.

[950] Is this a passion project of yours that you've been thinking about for a while?

[951] Yeah.

[952] Yeah, actually, you know what?

[953] It is.

[954] I read the script like four years ago, maybe, and it was, was just one of those things where, like, someone was like, I think you'd really like this.

[955] And it wasn't a real movie or anything.

[956] And I just read it.

[957] And I was like, fuck, this is really good.

[958] Yeah, it just took a long time to get it together.

[959] How long have you been working on it for?

[960] Because you produced it as well.

[961] I produced it.

[962] Well, like, yeah, like, maybe four years ago.

[963] It was the first time I read it.

[964] And then I sat down with the writer, John Patton Ford.

[965] And I was like, this is a really good character.

[966] This is a really good script.

[967] We should do this.

[968] Who should direct it?

[969] And he was like, I want to direct it.

[970] And I was like, no. That's so funny, it's the first time you've shown a real decisive answer.

[971] All your other stories are, well, whatever.

[972] Okay.

[973] Well, work is a different thing.

[974] I mean, at work, I can be decisive.

[975] It's my personal life that's in shambles.

[976] You know, you know about that.

[977] No, I'm very decisive when it comes to that kind of stuff.

[978] Okay.

[979] So you said no. You're not directing it.

[980] No, no. I didn't say no, but I was like, you know, haven't done in feature before.

[981] This is like a thriller, you know.

[982] I was like, I don't want to make this a little dinky Los Angeles $2 million movie.

[983] I want to make like a $5 million.

[984] I want to make, I want to do this right.

[985] And, you know, and I think I was just, yeah, I've just, you know, I produced a couple movies at this point.

[986] So I felt like, okay, I know how to do this, but I want to do it.

[987] I really want to do it.

[988] But then this guy, man, everything he said, everything that came out of his mouth, I'm like, I feel the same way.

[989] This is the same movie.

[990] Just everything he said, I'm like, you should direct it just direct it i don't know i hadn't hunch about him where i was like he's he's gonna pull this off and he totally did and we yeah we just it took a while to get the financing and i didn't we didn't get the kind of scenario that i wanted but i believe everything works out how it should and you got a great reaction at sundance yeah we've people loved it it's fun it's a fun movie it feels it feels it feels kind of like throwback like a throwback movie it kind of feels like a slightly erotic kind of thriller like 90s style like it's just it moves really fast it has this like momentum and it's kind of relevant because it's about like a you know like a young millennial person that's like working in the gig economy that's drowning in student debt and is basically like I'm fucked in this account like what am I supposed to how am I supposed to survive this and then she just starts doing some sketchy stuff and it feel there did I unplug this um it hello you just pulled a giant wire out and I think you're so okay Okay.

[991] No, that's all right.

[992] And then, yeah, anyway, so it feels like, it feels like it kind of hit a nerve or something.

[993] Like, I feel like people, which is, makes me happy, because I think movies really can change the world.

[994] I think they're everything.

[995] As I know, your character gets into some sketchy stuff.

[996] Mm -hmm.

[997] She gets a taste of the life of illegal activity.

[998] Mm -hmm.

[999] She likes it.

[1000] She likes it.

[1001] Are you like this at all, ever commit a crime?

[1002] Um, well, and this is where my assistant would jump in because she, she would, She has a sordid criminal past and has been very open about it.

[1003] But she shoplifted like crazy.

[1004] No, I wasn't into that because of the wrath of God and all that.

[1005] I was too scared of the wrath of God.

[1006] No, I didn't want to sin growing up.

[1007] But I would say if I ever committed crimes, it was mostly vandalism.

[1008] That was my thing.

[1009] Really?

[1010] Yeah.

[1011] And I did some identity theft, you know, but that runs in my family.

[1012] I learned that at a young age.

[1013] I did, yeah.

[1014] Going back to the 14th century.

[1015] Yeah.

[1016] I am Antonio.

[1017] No, you're not.

[1018] Okay, I try.

[1019] Well, I'll just say, you know, I learned a lot from my family.

[1020] I'll just say that.

[1021] But, you know, one of - What kind of vandalism would you do?

[1022] Well, you know, I grew up in Delaware and Wilmington, Delaware, and there were a lot of, it's a really interesting place to grow up because you're kind of, there's this presence of the DuPont.

[1023] era of things always and so there's always like I would never vandalize things that were I think like you know new or nice it was always like going to the old you know DuPont experimental station or the mill factory the abandoned mill you know mill or whatever throwing bricks in the windows and I used to grow up you know we would grow up around a lot of those like new suburban developments you know where they were always building the new like cookie cutter houses or whatever and I would go go in there, and I would write, I would take nails, and I would write messages to the construction workers like, you'll die in nails, to make it seem like a ghost.

[1024] Are you lying them out, or are you hammering them in?

[1025] No, no, I would just arrange them in letters, nails, and letters.

[1026] That's not vandalism per se, is just a threat.

[1027] That's just, like, threatening public safety, yeah.

[1028] Can you get arrested for that?

[1029] trespassing.

[1030] What about the guy who is, like, owes the mob money and then goes to work that day and says, well, it'll probably be okay and they'll never find me. And I'm hiding out as a construction worker in Delaware and then gets to work and it says, you'll die written out in nails.

[1031] I really gave me to a construction worker.

[1032] And then he just says, I'm just going to go into the woods and kill myself.

[1033] And then later on, you find the skull.

[1034] And it all comes around.

[1035] Yes, that was what I wanted.

[1036] That is literally what I wanted.

[1037] You're a criminal mastermind.

[1038] You're a genius.

[1039] Yeah, but no, shoplifting is for little bitches.

[1040] Thank you.

[1041] Thank you very much.

[1042] I wish Sona was here right now.

[1043] We'll have to tell her.

[1044] She adores you, by the way.

[1045] She loves you, and she will freak out that you pretty much called her whole life up until 31, the life of her little bitch.

[1046] She was really, she was shoplifting late into her life.

[1047] Yeah, constantly.

[1048] I don't know about that.

[1049] But I do.

[1050] I support, you know, stealing from the people.

[1051] The man, yeah, fuck that.

[1052] Me too.

[1053] Although I think I am the man. I just realized that.

[1054] Leave up to my phone.

[1055] Greg Daniels might have another text about another dream.

[1056] I hope it's not a picture.

[1057] Greggy?

[1058] Oh, Greggy.

[1059] Well, I'm very happy for you.

[1060] I've always loved talking to you.

[1061] You're a very authentic, real person.

[1062] Which is not common in this business.

[1063] You know that, right?

[1064] You're a very authentic real person when you played basketball in a complete disguise.

[1065] Hey, that was survival.

[1066] You had to get by.

[1067] Are you playing any sports now?

[1068] No. No. Pickleball.

[1069] That's the whole new craze now.

[1070] Pickle ball.

[1071] I love sports, though.

[1072] I'm going to go to the batting cages tomorrow.

[1073] But that's for the MLB is doing like a show now where they ask you questions while you hit...

[1074] Oh, that's a cool idea.

[1075] Where you hit balls.

[1076] But I'm just going because I want to hit some balls.

[1077] Yeah.

[1078] And your answer is, well, just be like, whatever.

[1079] Yeah.

[1080] And then crack.

[1081] Another home run.

[1082] I think it would be great to have a pitch machine, you know, a pitching cage, batting cage in the yard.

[1083] Wouldn't you just have access to that 24 -7?

[1084] I love hitting balls.

[1085] If you're feeling frustrated or.

[1086] Very good.

[1087] Because it's just to go back there and occasionally hit one.

[1088] Every ninth time accidentally make contact.

[1089] I would love that.

[1090] Yeah, me too.

[1091] too.

[1092] I love it as a gift.

[1093] Okay.

[1094] We're doing this.

[1095] You know what?

[1096] We're going to start.

[1097] Oh, okay.

[1098] What?

[1099] Now I have to call your policies and say, look, I'm going to set up a batting cage for Aubrey.

[1100] Where does she live?

[1101] And then I have to look into what those costs.

[1102] That's going to be very expensive.

[1103] I think so.

[1104] Hey, in the 90s, you know, people would get Ferraris as gifts.

[1105] That's what I heard.

[1106] Megamalalli told me. She got a Ferrari?

[1107] Yeah.

[1108] Wow.

[1109] She'd do a podcast and get a sports car.

[1110] Every time.

[1111] All those 90s podcast has so much money to throw around.

[1112] Yeah.

[1113] Ridiculous.

[1114] It's what they used to do.

[1115] But we do give away when you leave.

[1116] There is a little wicker tray out there.

[1117] Yeah.

[1118] And it's got a couple of snacks.

[1119] Okay.

[1120] And yeah.

[1121] Maybe there's some big league chew in there so it gets close.

[1122] No, there's nothing like that.

[1123] It looks very granola, crunchy, organic.

[1124] Well, I don't do this for the gifts.

[1125] I do it for the therapy.

[1126] I could really help you.

[1127] I know.

[1128] And you have?

[1129] Aubrey, thank you so much for dropping by.

[1130] I know I mean a lot to you.

[1131] You do.

[1132] You do.

[1133] And I know this was a big deal for you.

[1134] Look, if this is how we have to talk, we'll do it like this.

[1135] Let's get real quiet now at the end.

[1136] I think it's the best to wrap up.

[1137] This is all we got.

[1138] And this is what we got.

[1139] I want to do the quietest dinting of any podcast ever.

[1140] You want to have the quietest dindon, did you say?

[1141] You want to have a dindon with me?

[1142] I want to have a quiet dindin with you.

[1143] Would you invite me up for dintin?

[1144] Okay, I'd like to invite you on it for dundian.

[1145] Jesus.

[1146] Bing, bang, boom.

[1147] I'm, I'm, I'm just.

[1148] I'm crying.

[1149] I think I'm in love now.

[1150] I definitely want to have dindon with you.

[1151] Yeah, give me that dindon.

[1152] You wear those shorts while you make me that dindia.

[1153] Oh, yeah, I'll make you some dindon.

[1154] You drop the sauce all over your dindin 'in.

[1155] Got a little sauce on my shorts while making the dindon.

[1156] You get Greg Daniels out of here.

[1157] He's not invited.

[1158] We were having such an erotic moment and you brought up fucking Greg Daniels.

[1159] Greg, get out of my erotic fantasy with Aubrey Plaza.

[1160] Get out!

[1161] Get out!

[1162] Thank you, Aubrey.

[1163] Thank you.

[1164] You're great.

[1165] Some of our listeners may have noticed that Sona of Sassian has taken a temporary leave of absence.

[1166] She's been out promoting her new book.

[1167] World's Worst Assistant.

[1168] Terrific.

[1169] Terrific effort by Sona.

[1170] It's really a funny book.

[1171] It's out there and she's flogging that.

[1172] She'll be back soon.

[1173] But this is an opportunity.

[1174] Sona's not here, which means we can dish on Sona and we can be completely honest.

[1175] And to help us do that is Sona's own assistant, who pretty much does everything since the minute he was hired because, well, if you read Sona's book, you'll find that she never really was my assistant.

[1176] And soon she'll be back.

[1177] not being my assistant.

[1178] But David Hopping has taken over, David.

[1179] Your occasional voice here on the podcast.

[1180] And first of all, I'd like to know, how did you get this job?

[1181] How did you get the job of being Sona's assistant?

[1182] So I interned for you back in 2014.

[1183] Then I was a tour guide on the Warner Brothers lot for like two years.

[1184] And like once a month, I would just come, just like walk through your office just to make sure people remembered who I was.

[1185] And then...

[1186] So you were running tours on the lot.

[1187] Uh -huh.

[1188] Were you ever present?

[1189] when a tour saw me walking along.

[1190] I was getting a tour once and you drove by on a golf cart.

[1191] Yeah.

[1192] Now, people must have just lost their minds.

[1193] Actually, it did work out perfect because I had two fans that were like huge fans of yours and then you waved at them and then I got tipped because they were excited that they saw you.

[1194] So wouldn't I get some of that money?

[1195] No. I would think I would.

[1196] No, it doesn't work though.

[1197] Okay, but because, first of all, I was sort of doing a joke.

[1198] I'm glad that it actually turned out that they were really excited.

[1199] But I remember the, The tours would come around every now and then.

[1200] And I would always feel like I had to have performance energy whenever a tour passed.

[1201] I know that not everybody felt that way.

[1202] There were other celebrities that would be like, eh, meh, tour, and they wouldn't give anything, right?

[1203] Yeah, some hated the tours.

[1204] Yeah.

[1205] I probably shouldn't say who.

[1206] No, no, you probably shouldn't say who.

[1207] Probably should.

[1208] Pretty little liars?

[1209] Really?

[1210] Okay.

[1211] I'm just guessing if you're a pretty little liar, you don't want to see a tour.

[1212] Yeah.

[1213] Some of them were really nice.

[1214] Of course.

[1215] Yeah, we're not naming names, but occasionally there'd be a pretty little liar.

[1216] One little liar I literally ran away from my cart I was like driving and she had a security guard stopped my cart while she like sprinted away Okay we're not again We can't get in trouble because we're not identifying Which Pretty Little Liar ran away from the tram Taking tourists Like the biggest Pretty Little Liars fan So then I was trying to come up with any excuse And I was like oh I think she's in costume Like she kind of spoilers maybe I don't know Right she's late for a heart surgery something like that that makes her seem noble she usually stops and says hello but she's late for dialysis no I first of all their name is pretty little liars so you'd expect that kind of behavior in fact that's only one brand so anyway that was your job then Sona brings you on board to be an assistant right so I assisted her and Marie Weber at the time who was Jeff Ross's assistant right to basically just run errands for you and Jeff right get me my basic uh you know groceries i would take your car to get washed okay you got me groceries i don't remember that every monday i think someone i think someone else was using you to get groceries and saying these are for conan i don't think so i will never forget i got the grocery list and on it it said whole carrots because conan likes to peel them and eat them like bugs bunny oh my god that's just not true of course it is it is not true.

[1217] Of course.

[1218] No, no, I would tell you if that was true, but what an insane thing to write on the list.

[1219] I think I still had the list from 2016.

[1220] Right.

[1221] Did it have my various creams and amolions that I need?

[1222] No. Various potions.

[1223] We never got you that.

[1224] Pouders.

[1225] No, but it did have roasted turkey.

[1226] Paltuses.

[1227] I ate a lot of turkey back then.

[1228] Lean, lean protein I liked because I was a lean comedy machine.

[1229] Now I'm a bloated parody of myself.

[1230] Oh, wow.

[1231] I got dark so quick.

[1232] I'm Merwin Brando at the end of Apocalypse now.

[1233] only grow three more the horror the horror swallow the bug yeah I'll explain what that is to you later I also asked off so the day that I got hired I asked off for four weeks before I started because I was going to Europe the next day wait you got hired to assist Conan O 'Brien and you said my first request is to blow this off for four weeks you can do that yeah you really should have done it no at the interview they told me I could start and so I just said well I leave tomorrow for four weeks.

[1234] Is that okay?

[1235] And Sona said it was fine.

[1236] Okay.

[1237] Yeah, sure.

[1238] Sona said.

[1239] And she said, that's a coincidence because I'm leaving tomorrow for the Caribbean for six weeks.

[1240] That's something she would do.

[1241] Oh, great.

[1242] We'll both be away.

[1243] Who'll look after Conan?

[1244] I don't know.

[1245] He'll find some turkey and carrots on his own.

[1246] A freak.

[1247] Was there any legal activity in your time with Sona?

[1248] Did she ever encourage you to break the law in any way?

[1249] Because she's a little bit of a rule breaker.

[1250] Well, I think it was legal then.

[1251] What?

[1252] What are we talking about?

[1253] Well, the first.

[1254] Stealing?

[1255] It wasn't stealing.

[1256] I never stole anything together, I don't think.

[1257] I don't think.

[1258] But the first, I think it was the first time, one of the first times I ever tried weed was in your office.

[1259] Like literally in his office?

[1260] In my office at Warner Brothers?

[1261] With Sona.

[1262] This is a safe space, right?

[1263] Like, we can't get in trouble.

[1264] Oh, yeah.

[1265] There's no recording device here.

[1266] In the podcast studio?

[1267] Yeah, but like what's said on the podcast, like you can't get fired for, right?

[1268] Well, let's hear it and I'll let you know.

[1269] Okay.

[1270] So wait, you're in, you're in my office at Warren.

[1271] It was a day where you did a double show, so you always gave, like, you know, like, there's always a dinner break.

[1272] And you were downstairs getting ready for the next show.

[1273] And we went into your office and opened up the window.

[1274] We did blow the smoke out the window.

[1275] This is where they shot Goonies, by the way.

[1276] You know, this is a sacred place.

[1277] They shot Casablanca, and more important to you and Sonag.

[1278] Goonies.

[1279] On your stage, they shot both of those?

[1280] They shot.

[1281] They shot.

[1282] They shot, Casablanca was not shot on my stage.

[1283] It was shot in and around, I think, in a couple of locations.

[1284] But, uh, Goonies too?

[1285] Goonies.

[1286] You reefed up on the same.

[1287] set of Goonies?

[1288] Yeah.

[1289] David hopping, I'm proud of you.

[1290] Thank you.

[1291] So any tour that was going by would just see smoke.

[1292] Now, did you get a good buzz going?

[1293] Not really.

[1294] I don't think I did it right.

[1295] The first time, you don't always feel it.

[1296] I've tried it many times and nothing really happens.

[1297] Really?

[1298] Yeah.

[1299] You probably have such a firewall for any kind of brain -changing thing.

[1300] You know what I mean?

[1301] It couldn't get through that.

[1302] I might be just a strong barrier.

[1303] Whenever they give me a medication, I need a lot.

[1304] lot of it for it to have an effect.

[1305] And I've heard that that's a red -haired thing.

[1306] Really?

[1307] That redheads need more of a medicate.

[1308] Yeah, that's actually...

[1309] He's joking.

[1310] He's a lot.

[1311] Really?

[1312] I think you need something.

[1313] Oh, my stars.

[1314] So, anyway, that's a little digression.

[1315] So, wow, so that's, that's ballsy of Sona to get you.

[1316] And then my first bag of edibles was from Sona, which kind of came from you because you rewarded her when she watched, like, whatever, 50 episodes of friends.

[1317] Yeah, we did a thing if we could, because she watched so much TV, work I made a bet that she couldn't watch 50 episodes of friends and she did and I rewarded her with her favorite thing a bag of edible gummies she kind of just like went through the hall as like the weed fairy just like giving people edibles getting you guys hooked and she can be a dealer first one's free mm -hmm wow what uh I wonder if this is in her book I don't remember I read her book I don't think this part's in there but other crimes are in her book yes that's true now you're the assistant not just for me uh -huh but for Jeff Ross as well, because we've really paired things down a bit here.

[1318] So you're, you're assistant to two of us.

[1319] Sona, you're supposed to be assisting Sona, but she's selling a book on a book tour, and the book's about how she screws around all the time, and you do all the work.

[1320] So is that fair?

[1321] Do you have any resentment there?

[1322] No, because someday you get to write a book.

[1323] Yeah, the world's most average assistant.

[1324] All right, well, listen.

[1325] Thank you.

[1326] And please keep ratting her out.

[1327] This is important.

[1328] All right.

[1329] Because if she were here, she's so loud and so defensive, she'd start yelling over all of this, and none of it would get recorded.

[1330] So this is really our chance to get the dirt on Sona.

[1331] You're a good man, David Hopping.

[1332] Thank you.

[1333] And again, a quick plug for your podcast.

[1334] What's it called?

[1335] Back to the best.

[1336] Back to the best.

[1337] And it's about 90s trivia.

[1338] 90s, early 2000s, nostalgia.

[1339] A lot of Disney Channel.

[1340] Okay.

[1341] So you're screwing around too.

[1342] Well, I pay you.

[1343] No?

[1344] Yeah.

[1345] Well, okay, I know we have to wrap, but we, Sona did come on my podcast, and we waited until you went down to rehearse your show once.

[1346] And then we had my friend Grace, who I co -host with, come in and we sat in your office and recorded our office.

[1347] What the hell is in?

[1348] This is unbelievable.

[1349] Unbelievable.

[1350] I think it's like episode 15.

[1351] I'm the ultimate chump.

[1352] I'm paying these people to get high in my office, record their own podcast.

[1353] My therapist meets me in your office and we do our sessions in there.

[1354] And then your therapist bills me. All right.

[1355] Well, I guess I should be mad at you, but I'm just kind of impressed.

[1356] Oh, thanks.

[1357] Yeah.

[1358] So, well done.

[1359] David Hopping.

[1360] Well done.

[1361] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1362] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1363] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1364] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1365] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1366] Incidental music by Jimmy Vovino.

[1367] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1368] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1369] Engineering by Will Bechton, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.

[1370] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1371] Got a question for Conan?

[1372] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -251 -2821 and leave a message.

[1373] It too could be featured.

[1374] on a future episode.

[1375] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1376] This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.