#515 - Ari Shaffir (Part 2)

[0] The 209, bro This is what happens When Brian's not here The whole place goes to shit Look at you Showing Tink Train by day all night You don't know what the fuck You're doing that You train and then the night comes And you stop training Get it right Get it right Did you get it right?

[1] The sound is all fucked up Oh you're a mess But can the folks hear us Okay We don't need that music We just had the music once today Yeah We got greedy Tried to two double music it You can't do that It's not a two for Tuesday Our and Shafir has so many stories about China We talked about so many other things Besides the stories about China We decided we have to keep going So you were about to tell some crazy noodle story Oh yeah So they had these street meat which is great And this is Shanghai What was that?

[2] What was that?

[3] I knocked into this table I was like a fucking truck fell over outside Yeah Shanghai But they were like Be careful The meat's great There's kebabs, you pick it up They roast it, give it back to you They point three, two Whatever it is For how much money?

[4] Yeah You can get by I was gesturing.

[5] I learned hello and thank you.

[6] Those are the only words I really knew.

[7] Huh.

[8] Nihow and Sheshire.

[9] You know how I know that?

[10] What?

[11] Nehau, Kailan.

[12] It's a show my kids watch.

[13] Really?

[14] Kailin.

[15] Oh, wow.

[16] Yeah, that's cool.

[17] Yeah, you knew.

[18] Nehaw.

[19] That's crazy.

[20] I can learn stuff from TV.

[21] Shesha.

[22] Yeah.

[23] So that's what you say, Shesha.

[24] Shesha.

[25] It's like, thank you.

[26] Oh, okay.

[27] It's also used some other way, but I don't know.

[28] So how do you, um...

[29] Gesturing.

[30] I got sick at gesturing.

[31] Really?

[32] Yeah.

[33] Except a couple times I would be about to go into like a noodle store or something, like a, like a shop.

[34] And I have to call my friend.

[35] They gave me burner phones, which is nice that I could use.

[36] And I was like, hey, how do you say noodles and how do you say beef?

[37] They were telling both words, and I would just go in.

[38] I'd be like, what was it?

[39] I forget now.

[40] Mian is noodles.

[41] And one of the guys from the Matrix movie is the word for beef.

[42] Who's the black guy from the Matrix?

[43] Morpheus?

[44] No, okay.

[45] What's the main guy from the, what was his name?

[46] Neo?

[47] Neo?

[48] Yeah.

[49] That's how you say beef?

[50] Neo.

[51] Miao.

[52] And what's the other one?

[53] What's the noodles?

[54] Mian.

[55] Niao Mian.

[56] You say Mian, or Niao?

[57] I don't know.

[58] But I said that.

[59] And then they're like, they point to the fucking menu.

[60] Like, there's 18 things.

[61] I'm like, lady, come on.

[62] You can see me struggling with, if I'm foreign and I come in and I go, beef, noodle?

[63] Just pick something for him.

[64] Listen to who saying this.

[65] Listen to who's saying this.

[66] The amazing racist is saying this.

[67] Where if you would be like, learn the language.

[68] you fucks those are parody sketches it doesn't really feel that way ladies and gentlemen the comments on those are the best parts of them so angry at you for those the comments are the best yeah fools fools they just argue back and forth it still goes angry angry fuckheads so the noodles so they have these noodles street noodles you can get and I was advised the first day like you don't want those and why show me this video that I can send you right now you can put up.

[69] Oh, God.

[70] But they are, here, put your email in here and then just send it to me. You can just send it to yourself.

[71] But, so they get the oil, what they would do is they would go to the sewer.

[72] They would take raw sewage out of the sewer and then boil it down.

[73] The way they'd make wax, hash wax, they'd boil off the sewage.

[74] And whatever was left, that's cooking oil that they would use.

[75] It's super fucking harmful And then sell to like a lot of the street noodle guys Yeah, that face is what I made That same face They were cooking with sewer oil, bro It was going around So it's not common But it was possible So it's not like that's the only way they do it No, but the street places were like You run a risk here It's cheaper oil Oh my God And they're just getting it from that source Oh my God What is this?

[76] China's food production up close Give me some gutter oil Making of gutter oil.

[77] Give me some volume, Jamie.

[78] Jesus Christ.

[79] It's all in a day's work for this woman.

[80] She opens up a manhole cover and scoops out as much slop as she can, delighted by what she finds.

[81] What others might view is revolting, she sees as a bonanza.

[82] She works in the streets of the southern Chinese city of Shenzhen, a foot soldier in China's so -called gutter oil industry.

[83] I seriously almost threw up the slops out.

[84] I just gagged.

[85] She says she's made enough money to build a house for her family back in her home village a thousand miles to the north.

[86] People are just awful.

[87] She's scooping out sewer.

[88] Her slop eventually winds up in a processing plant like this one, where it's combined with other animal fat refuse to create recycled cooking oil.

[89] Workers put the oil in barrels for delivery to restaurants at hotels.

[90] Somebody call Anthony Bourdain.

[91] How can you?

[92] eat this.

[93] If you eat it, it can kill you.

[94] Cooking oil has long been a cherished commodity in China, where stir -frying in a wok is the mainstay of daily meal preparation.

[95] The high -profit margins from gutter oil production have proven irresistible.

[96] Chinese experts estimate that one -tenth of China's cooking oil is gutter oil, which has been found to contain carcinogens and other toxins harmful to humans.

[97] Gee, you think?

[98] Shit water is bad for you.

[99] Breaking news.

[100] And among street food vendors.

[101] Oh my god.

[102] Illegal production sites are often discovered after people living nearby, notice a nauseating stench.

[103] It's the cooking your shit in.

[104] It's where they're cooking your food in.

[105] Police have arrested scores of people across the country in recent years for engaging in the trade.

[106] And seize thousands of tons of the material.

[107] Look at these guys fake, destroying it.

[108] Shopping out a little bit.

[109] Barely swinging at it.

[110] Harsh penalties for producers of tainted products.

[111] But many consumers doubt that China's dinner tables can be completely free of gutteroy.

[112] All we can do is accepted.

[113] In our current society everybody tries to swindle everybody else.

[114] There's nothing we can do about it.

[115] Wow.

[116] Yeah, that's disgusting.

[117] That takes disgusting to a whole new level.

[118] I have never almost When you were pouring it from the bucket, you hear that, go get that sound bite.

[119] That's that part.

[120] Dude, I almost threw up.

[121] I had to look away.

[122] That's the first time I've ever had to look away on a show.

[123] Really?

[124] Yeah, that's amazing.

[125] Because you knew where it's headed to someone's food.

[126] Dude, I almost threw up.

[127] Watching that.

[128] So I did not have any of the street noodles.

[129] I did have a lot of noodles, though.

[130] Oh, my God.

[131] Street noodles.

[132] Motherfucker, man. But you might have had some gutter oil.

[133] Absolutely.

[134] I absolutely might have had some What the fuck man I would like to know if you had gutter oil I gotta assume when I see that When I said where it was I'm like I probably had some gutter oil I would like to know How do you think we could find out My friend was there said it was like Yeah I mean I ate it for a little while You know I got a kick of eating it It was way before the expose came out He goes I had a lot of diarrhea I mean it was a lot Because you're eating shit Because you're eating someone else's shit Jesus Christ Like yeah we boil We put a flame under it You know what China is to me, you know, when you see like the worst case scenarios about China and like that, did you ever see that HBO documentary about them selling bait?

[135] I think it was HBO.

[136] They were selling children.

[137] Like guys were selling like their two -year -old children.

[138] This one boy was screaming because his dad sold his brother away.

[139] Whoa.

[140] Yeah.

[141] Deep, dark shit.

[142] And they were interviewing the guy who sold his kid and he was like, look, I didn't have any money.

[143] I had a kid.

[144] I had to sell the kid.

[145] Wow.

[146] Yeah.

[147] It's really fucked up.

[148] I mean, really fucked up.

[149] I mean, really fucking.

[150] up but to me when i see stuff like that when i see that guy that was saying that you know people swindle people when you see the whole gutter oil thing it's like humanity if it she gets bad if people are in a bath spot people go real bad they go real bad they can part metalize they don't think this like they just don't think about it like i'm sure it's okay that lady was telling i have bought a house you bought a house by feeding people shit how much shit did you have to shovel to get your house and you have to continue shoveling shit in order to pay for that house I assume they have mortgages over there do they have mortgages she's not buying a house with cash like showing up no I don't think so big fucking stack of paper dude that's insane that was pretty gross that's beyond gross I almost threw up on a podcast I've never done that before that plopping sound dude I hosted Fear Factor for six years I've seen some shit I'm not a regular person in that regard I've seen more disgusting shit than almost any other person who's a comedian.

[151] Yeah, up close and personal.

[152] Right there and helped people get through eating things.

[153] And you got nauseous from that.

[154] And I got nauseous from that.

[155] Just I could smell the shit.

[156] I should scooping it up.

[157] That sound made it so descriptive.

[158] Yeah, the blubbblop.

[159] Really, I got that weird tingle in my throat.

[160] I know.

[161] I didn't think I could control it.

[162] Oh, what is horrible.

[163] Yeah.

[164] That's pretty bad.

[165] told me he was in China and they were at a restaurant and the restaurant had pigs underneath the restaurant and running around yeah they were like in containers underneath the restaurant and they realized his mom asked and realized that when you shit the shit was going down to where the pigs were the pigs are eating your shit human shit oh gross and then you're being served bad and then you're eating the pigs motherfucker that's unfortunate you think I mean and they're doing it old school style.

[166] You're shitting in a hole.

[167] You're squatting like you were talking about in the first podcast before this one.

[168] Well, you talked...

[169] The whole podcast we did.

[170] Yeah, we did another podcast a couple hours ago.

[171] Arie was talking about how you go into these bathrooms and there's a hole in the ground.

[172] That's your toilet.

[173] So underneath that hole, pigs.

[174] Just...

[175] Just waiting to get a shit in their mouths.

[176] So fucking glit.

[177] But again, that's what happens when people just, when it goes bad.

[178] Play that noise again, Jamie.

[179] Don't do it.

[180] Just play that noise alone.

[181] Don't do it.

[182] That's that part.

[183] Just cue it up in case we need it.

[184] Oh, hurl.

[185] Just cue it up because we need it.

[186] It sounds like we do need it.

[187] That plop, plop, plop, plop.

[188] They said the hashish in Hong Kong was cut with up to 25 %.

[189] Gutter oil?

[190] Nope.

[191] Shoe polish.

[192] Whoa.

[193] It's too high percentage for me. But there was some California weed there.

[194] 25 % shoe polish.

[195] Up to.

[196] Up to.

[197] God damn.

[198] Just because they wanted to make it bigger.

[199] Make it more.

[200] God damn.

[201] That's so grow.

[202] It kind of looks like shoe polish.

[203] Yeah, it does.

[204] You can't really.

[205] hell yeah it's like man it's fucking me up like yeah it's not good weed she imagine it's just fucking you up what does hash cut with shoe polish smell like I don't know it's gotta have a turpentine sort of a smell to it you know that smell you know those cans you'd open up your grandpa's shoe polish and you smell it oh yeah there's a little you know it was like those little circular cans turpentai keep it moist or something I don't know I'm saying turpentine time the circular ones I know we used to do that we used to shine our shabash shoes with those spit spit on a rug and just rub it on there we have those brushes too or you can use an old like schmata you know like you see those guys at the airport now like shoe shiners shoe shine guys but that's you never see those anywhere else it's the airport and that's it they come around businesses sometimes in new york they'll go door to in dc too this guy used to come to like our law firm he would go like to each business like once a week have you ever seen one in L .A. at a business I mean there must be so when am I in a business when are you in a business you know what I mean I mean, in an office building.

[206] Whenever you're in your fucking apartment, you're in a business.

[207] That's the beautiful thing about being a comic.

[208] Yeah, I guess I'm technically on my business right now.

[209] You're in the business of writing fucked up things down that will eventually become jokes.

[210] Yeah.

[211] That's a business.

[212] It might not be your business.

[213] Yeah, it's a fucking business.

[214] Get into bed, turn the heat on.

[215] It's a business.

[216] I'm a beat off on myself and watch cartoons.

[217] Bring my computer with me. Research.

[218] This is right off time.

[219] I'm hoping that in watching all this porn, I can come up with a joke about me watching all.

[220] this point and if not so be it tough shit yeah that's the beautiful thing about being a comic anything you're interested in like anything you pursue online could potentially be all research yeah you mean literally anything any idea that you read online that you find fascinating you can find if it strikes you you can find a comic angle to it wow yeah yeah yeah exactly anything you care about enough to look at and it's almost like today we're spoiled because every day there's some new ridiculous story that goes on that could be like an awesome bit and they just keep flying by it's too many coming at you and they're like no no guys don't forget about the story because I'm already doing a bit about it well even if people forget about it you can re invigorate the idea but the idea is that you forget about them because there's so many of them another one comes by I'm constantly retweeting things where I'm like what I go retweet it and go I got to write a bit about that but it's it just goes by the wayside because it's just too much shit there's so much if you look online like if you have a bunch of good Twitter feeds that you follow you'll find some of the most ridiculous articles and stories.

[221] A guy got caught in a fucking American tourist got caught in a giant vagina statue in Germany Oh yeah.

[222] They had a rescue them.

[223] I saw the billboard for that, another billboard preview Nope.

[224] On the website?

[225] Something.

[226] Something.

[227] The headline just the one word, the top of the website.

[228] US student is rescued from a giant vagina sculpture in Germany.

[229] You find it on my Twitter feed Dude, they laugh at us at how stupid we are.

[230] We're dumb as fuck.

[231] They laugh at us.

[232] Look at this fucking giant vagina.

[233] Oh, he went in there?

[234] Yeah, he's got his legs trapped in there.

[235] Fucking idiot.

[236] The fireman had to come and get him out.

[237] What do you step in and couldn't?

[238] They should have just hacked his legs off with an axe.

[239] They should have came over.

[240] Left the leg in there.

[241] Just grabbed the axe and he would have figured out a way to get out.

[242] No, no, no, no, no, no, wait no, work harder.

[243] I'm sorry, I call 911.

[244] No, fuck.

[245] Sorry, call 911 one.

[246] Shop, chop, chop, chop.

[247] Chop, chop.

[248] Just let me try to get my right leg out.

[249] No, chop, chop.

[250] My right leg's not even stuck, though.

[251] Let me just.

[252] Shut up.

[253] Chop, chop, chop.

[254] Yeah, the vagina sculpture, first of all, why do you have a vagina sculptor?

[255] Germany, you fucking weirdos.

[256] Like, what is that about?

[257] Come on, Germany.

[258] I'd be a Ozavik.

[259] What an odd choice to have a fucking vagina sculpture.

[260] Outside.

[261] But meanwhile, vaginas are fucking super important.

[262] And they're inviting.

[263] Yeah, if it wasn't for vaginas, they'd really be.

[264] No people.

[265] Of course I'm supposed to get inside it.

[266] But isn't that funny that for whatever reason, like, it's a bad thing to have a vagina sculpture?

[267] Taboo.

[268] You can have a sculpture of a woman's face.

[269] Yeah, that's okay.

[270] No problem.

[271] No problem.

[272] No controversy.

[273] Shoulders.

[274] Up to shoulders like this.

[275] Showing the boobo off.

[276] Ne, boobs get tricky.

[277] People like to cover those.

[278] They like to cover the boobs.

[279] But as long as the boobs are colored and you're an angel, that's okay.

[280] Oh, if you're an angel, forget about it.

[281] You need a little thing like that, you're town square.

[282] But a vagina?

[283] We're not like that.

[284] It looks like a vagina, too.

[285] Yeah, it does.

[286] If you scroll down, Jamie, there's a picture of this fucking poor slob with goofy glasses.

[287] Yeah, this headline wasn't, poor slob gets stuck in a statue.

[288] Yeah, look at this.

[289] Vigina statue.

[290] What's that?

[291] Did you find the image?

[292] I found the more photos of it.

[293] Oh, nice.

[294] This fucking crazy bitch got so far down and so stuffed into this thing that he couldn't move his legs.

[295] Like, they had to figure out how to get him out of that thing.

[296] Don't have to play that.

[297] Just show that.

[298] Just go to photos Because this is kind of shit That gets us kicked off of YouTube There you go, there you is Oh wow Look at this fuck There's another one with his face We should shame him So, oh wow So he fell over or something And then he couldn't Clined in like an idiot And his legs got smushed He got stuck Or it's a gag It could be a stunt That looks pretty tight In his legs though It does but so does You always got to put everything up Like it's possible as a stunt Yeah Always Looks like it If I had a guess It looks like a stunt Yeah 22 firefighters had to pry him open.

[299] Oh, my God.

[300] 22 firefighters.

[301] They probably all jerked off on him to lube it up.

[302] Maybe.

[303] That'd be great.

[304] That'd be great.

[305] Imagine if there's only one way to do this.

[306] We've got to jerk off on you.

[307] The hard way.

[308] That's the only way.

[309] Lou up his legs.

[310] Americans, what does it feel like telling people in another country like China that you're American?

[311] Do they just go, oh.

[312] Well, the other, it's something like Chinese people, you didn't really talk too much.

[313] You didn't talk to them much.

[314] Barely.

[315] The only ones that spoke English.

[316] Did you hang in with your Chinese ladies?

[317] Yeah, it won.

[318] She was at this bar that I, like, I guess I performed at or like right next door in this area.

[319] I thought she was in my show, but then later I wasn't positive.

[320] Apparently, they have a thing, according to this guy who posted on the Rogan board.

[321] What?

[322] He lives in China.

[323] They have a thing for people with big noses.

[324] Oh, really?

[325] White men with big nose.

[326] They were crazy for it.

[327] Yeah, maybe some people like that.

[328] It looks so different to them.

[329] Yeah, she just sort of, we didn't, she didn't really talk English at all.

[330] Then we just sort of like, she knew a couple of words, but then you got a vibe.

[331] There's still a vibe there.

[332] So you kind of knew.

[333] Did you feel like you were like, like some crazy foreigner, like some savage from another land?

[334] A little bit.

[335] It's like, uh, tell me more.

[336] Well, that's the area, but there's a lot of foreigners there.

[337] Right.

[338] Um, so that you used to.

[339] Leng Kui Fong.

[340] This guy on the Rogan board was saying, I should give the guy credit, he was saying that these women that, like, you'd have to tell them that you love them.

[341] Oh, really?

[342] Yeah, but saying that you love, like saying that is different.

[343] It doesn't mean, like, doesn't mean not committing to you forever.

[344] It just means I love you.

[345] Well, it doesn't mean, like, what you think it means here.

[346] Like, people say it all the time.

[347] Yeah, there were differences like that.

[348] Yeah, and then he was also saying that when you break up with, when you break up with them, they go fucking crazy.

[349] He was saying that you have, He had a real problem with that.

[350] You break up and they go crazy?

[351] Yeah, like suicidal or murderous.

[352] Oh, really?

[353] Yeah, his name is Ripple.

[354] That's a very long thread.

[355] And it's on the Rogoboard.

[356] It's actually from July 23rd of 2010.

[357] So it's a four -year -old thread.

[358] And it just recently got bumped up probably, I mean, maybe because of you being there.

[359] Oh, really?

[360] Huh, that's cool.

[361] Maybe.

[362] Maybe I'm wondering.

[363] But it might just be coincidental.

[364] But either way, pretty interesting shit.

[365] This guy talking about his experiences being a white guy in China and just dating chicks.

[366] And he never was into Chinese chicks until he went to China.

[367] And then he got like super into him.

[368] Probably.

[369] They're all the time.

[370] They're not fat.

[371] They're all real thin.

[372] Like I took too thin almost.

[373] Too thin.

[374] Yeah.

[375] A lot of times like you've got to have some like, you know, meat on your bones.

[376] No butt.

[377] Is that what you're saying?

[378] Oh, no. Definitely no butt.

[379] no butts were scarce that would be a problem a lot of barbecue chicken claws you know this guy was saying though not enough butts they um that they they what he calls mctits he said that though the Chinese people that lived there that ate McDonald's grew tits wow because of all the hormones they shot into it fuck he said those were the ones it was like one of his one of his things that they would say the mctits theory they some have like nice B cups oh nice B cup but you know nothing crazy The mctits, that's funny.

[380] Isn't that interesting?

[381] Uh -huh.

[382] That the ones who ate a lot of McDonald's food.

[383] Yeah.

[384] Yeah.

[385] That's so hilarious.

[386] It's his mctits theory that the foreigners have formulated over there.

[387] The Tits theory of body type.

[388] Wow.

[389] Isn't that crazy?

[390] But if they live off McDonald's, they have tits.

[391] But he was saying that they mistake 40 -year -olds for 30 -year -olds or younger.

[392] Yeah, I think I've heard some of them are like they're looking.

[393] Well, a lot of times they're also like immigrant workers that when they go.

[394] off they're just looking to fuck they're just looking to have a good time man i've never seen anybody party like that on sundays they get off and they have very little rights and but sundays they don't work and they just fill up the markets and they all dance they're all the day like line dancing together oh by the bay yeah all sort but like the chinese music but absolutely they also know their their things they party like they are free for one day for one day wow that's interesting so do you think they're like they're all bottled up and then they get that one day so they're just enjoy the fuck out of it.

[395] They're like, we're going to enjoy this.

[396] We're going to enjoy our day off.

[397] No one's taking a staycation.

[398] Let's all get out there.

[399] Some comics have days off all the time and they get super lazy.

[400] Yeah.

[401] You forget to appreciate those days off.

[402] You get used to it.

[403] You know, Eddie Bravo always talks about that.

[404] Eddie Bravo always talks about like learning to appreciate life.

[405] Like that sometimes in the middle of it, it's really difficult to appreciate it and that you've got to like force yourself to like really, really step back and appreciate how awesome this is.

[406] Yeah, once in a while I've got a new comic that'll be like, like, like, like genuinely like man you got your name on the wall at the comedy store that's so cool and i'm like oh yeah i mean i guess so did they take my my name down no they don't take names down no they don't take names down they should it's a lot of names they should take down yeah yeah that's true so a bunch a bunch of fucking names where you go come on man that dude's got his name up there fuck out of here if they would take those names down i wouldn't be mad if they took mine right you gotta get off you can take mine down well you can take mine down well you can take mine done anybody Dom is up there twice Is he really?

[407] Yeah they thought he slipped through the cracks and they put him up another time and he didn't slip to the cracks but that's how laid they are about not taking names down Wow He's named up twice and like I don't know I guess what's up there That's hilarious Yeah So what if someone did something terrible Like what about that comic That was like a rapist?

[408] Remember that comic?

[409] Uh huh He was going to colleges Yeah No, name stays up Wow Is his name up there?

[410] I don't know maybe I don't know if he was I don't think he was a regular I would have heard that if he was Somebody would have run into him Yeah, that's fucked Oh, fuck, I had his name And the tips of my tongue Yeah, that guy's in jail forever, right?

[411] He's in jail for a long time A lot of rapes A lot of rapes You'd say like creepy religious shit to them Like pray for me Oh, really?

[412] Yeah, let's tell him to pray for him Vince champ That's it There it is Thanks tip of tongue I remember not knowing who that guy was But the people that did know who that guy was We're like, oh, I could see that I'm like, oh Adam Richmond just got acquitted Adam Richmond, the food guy?

[413] No. no it's comic oh my god who's adam richmond it's a comic scare the shit on me i don't know why i'm scared the food guy getting raped yeah or raping what happened it was something in minneapolis ooh yeah with a waitress someone accused him waitress who do you believe uh well a lot of people find adam richmond annoying so a lot of the comedy community was like i could see i could see i'm like that's not equal to sexual assault annoying is not the same as sexual assault right but isn't annoying a sign of being a clue as fuck and isn't a clue as fuck a sign of being selfish and isn't being selfish the type of person he's yeah he's also drunk and he said he was getting aggressive to the cops he said it was getting a little aggressive and then they have like some 911 like video like not video audio of him like her going put your fucking dick away put your dick away get out of here but acquitted wow and what did he do well who cares what are we fucking TMZ yeah but you know what man There's a real problem when you have sexual urges, idiots, and alcohol.

[414] All those things together.

[415] Alcohol adds to it, yeah.

[416] Adds to it.

[417] But also being an idiot, you know, you're not a sexual assater.

[418] Yeah.

[419] You wouldn't, you know, you wouldn't hold someone down and do something creepy to them if you were drunk.

[420] One time I was junk making out with Amy Kerfer in college, just a friend.

[421] Yeah.

[422] You're just kissing and stuff.

[423] And I was like, come on, trying to get in her pants.

[424] And she goes, no, no, kissing was as far as it was going to go.

[425] Right.

[426] And they was like, come on.

[427] She's like, no, no, come on, stop.

[428] And then I got up to like as a joke to like lock the door like hey lock the door We're doing this and then as soon as I like a door I took one step back I'm like oh this seems Oh yeah unlock the door open it up.

[429] This seems this seems yeah.

[430] It's not even funny Yeah, but we've all been in that situation where a girl's like no and you're like please Yeah, but what about please?

[431] Yeah, but it doesn't work sometimes Some guys are assholes what I mean it doesn't work sometimes it never works to beg for pussy Sometimes does oh and they just give it to you out of I've ever heard of the sympathy hand job?

[432] When a girl says, okay.

[433] Oh, yeah.

[434] He's like, yes.

[435] Finally, stop fighting.

[436] Fuck, yeah.

[437] Woo!

[438] Okay, they only put it in my ass.

[439] What?

[440] I've been blessed by the gods.

[441] Yeah, but you add, like, idiocy, sexual urges, and alcohol is a fucking terrible, terrible, terrible combination.

[442] But it's everywhere.

[443] That's the weirdest thing about people.

[444] It's like the worst combination of drugs to, dating is what you get I mean good in that it's a social lubricant people relax have a couple drinks and loosens up the vibe you might get a little loose and silly and have fun and be more likely to fool around but not you know at a certain point you got to realize that that's not everybody's like we were talking about early on the podcast that I don't know what happens to some people when they drink but I've seen it yeah you see it yeah you've seen that switch that goes off and they're not there anymore it's not you You don't do that?

[445] I don't do that.

[446] But we all know guys who do do that.

[447] Yeah, one of them's got a portrait in the bathroom.

[448] Yeah, maybe it's one out of ten.

[449] You know, whatever it is.

[450] When you see that, man, you know that that guy shouldn't be drinking booze around women if he has a sexual urge.

[451] Because it's just going to be a disaster.

[452] Yeah.

[453] But that's the drug of choice.

[454] That's what you get.

[455] If you go to a bar, you don't get an option.

[456] It sucks to be a woman.

[457] You can take ecstasy.

[458] Yeah.

[459] Fuck yeah.

[460] Can you imagine being a chicken dudes are trying to drug you?

[461] Oh.

[462] How many girls have you talked to that have been roofied?

[463] Oh.

[464] A lot, right?

[465] Yeah, all the ones I hung out with.

[466] I don't know.

[467] A lot.

[468] Well, the ones I roofied, but that doesn't count.

[469] Those fucking bitches had a comment.

[470] A lot of them wouldn't drink it.

[471] So, you know, the stats are all skewed.

[472] Wasn't Bill Cosby in trouble for some shit like that?

[473] Really?

[474] Yeah.

[475] No way.

[476] Dr. Cosby?

[477] Yeah, Bill Cosby.

[478] Second only to Martin of the King and important black man?

[479] Not really.

[480] Bill Cosby's sexual assault allegations.

[481] why isn't anyone Why doesn't anyone care About the sexual assault allegations against Bill Cosby Those allegations, people agree That once someone's famous enough We're just not going to care Yeah I don't know, man I mean, who the fuck knows it's true It also could be just You know, it's, who knows?

[482] There's a girl at the comedy store claimed somebody raped her And one of the door guys And we got really weird for a while Because you don't really know who to believe At the same time, it's like, this is bad You're not going to come out vehemently on the side of the door guy.

[483] You know, you might be like, I'm not going to get involved.

[484] And then a few months later, she accused someone else of raping her.

[485] And then, like, eight months after that, she accused the third person of raping her.

[486] I was like, why do you keep hanging out at the rape house?

[487] I'm starting to believe that maybe none of this happened.

[488] Yeah.

[489] Well, that was the girl who claimed that Mike Tyson raped her.

[490] Yeah.

[491] She had made a false allegation.

[492] Earlier.

[493] She was 18 about another guy.

[494] I feel like, I think you did too.

[495] Michael Tyson was, that wasn't a good conviction.

[496] He probably did a bunch of bad shit.

[497] Yeah.

[498] But in that situation, it seemed like that girl went back up to his room wanting to fuck.

[499] She took her panty liner off.

[500] I don't know what happened.

[501] I don't want to speculate because I wasn't there.

[502] Who the fuck knows?

[503] Yeah, you went there.

[504] But there's a lot of shit going on when, when you have someone who's got a false allegation.

[505] It's like, the problem is.

[506] Those Duke players.

[507] They all lost her season.

[508] worse.

[509] It's way worse to rape someone than it is to falsely accuse someone of rape.

[510] In my opinion, it's worse.

[511] Because the rape is a violent crime, falsely accusing someone to rape, although horrific, in my idea, my hierarchy of crimes, is slightly lower.

[512] What if the same amount of violence happened to you because of...

[513] Dan, it's the same crime.

[514] Like, if you go to jail and then guys rape you because you didn't really rape a girl...

[515] If the punishment for rape is just punishment, if it's like, okay, that's about right, you know, like that eight months for his purse -snatching, I'm like, that's too, that's too much.

[516] Whoa, well, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[517] 13 women.

[518] Said Cosby.

[519] Said Cosby.

[520] Said Cosby.

[521] With what?

[522] Um, Popes.

[523] Jello pudding.

[524] Oh my God.

[525] 13.

[526] That's a lot.

[527] This is insane.

[528] Where there's smoke.

[529] There's 13 fires.

[530] Wow.

[531] That's amazing.

[532] That's a lot.

[533] Yeah.

[534] I mean, who knows what the fuck happened, but, you know, and I don't want to be callous about it i'm not i'm just saying who knows because i don't know but that don't look good be call in about it brian yeah go uh bill cosby's cock glistened understand in the sun hawks would land on it comes out you know it just makes its own roofies you don't you don't even understand they weren't drug they were fucked to sleep it's a different thing you're being calloned about it calum i like that that's what he'd say right yeah Joey Deez would probably say a similar thing.

[535] Bill Cosby ain't drugging any of those bitches.

[536] He just gives him that sweet thick, that candy, jello pudding, cup, and pop.

[537] Yeah, that's not a good amount of, that's not a good number.

[538] I almost saw him recently.

[539] 13's a lot.

[540] Yeah, they were telling, everybody keeps telling me, you gotta go see him live, you gotta go see him live.

[541] They had to be there for experience of like, it was fun and, like, childhood, like.

[542] Well, also, they say he's really good.

[543] People were shitting on a special, and people were like, how can you show his special as a legend?

[544] Like, because we're not shitting on his, On his legacy, he was shitting on this one special.

[545] Yeah.

[546] That's how.

[547] You can say everything he does is good now?

[548] He's definitely a good, he's definitely a great artist as far as like his, the bulk of his stand -up comedy history.

[549] He's a million right now.

[550] Great.

[551] He's not perfect.

[552] He's a great, great comedian for the longest time.

[553] Yeah.

[554] I didn't watch his new one now.

[555] I watched a little bit of it on Comedy Central and I never got a chance to see it in Vegas.

[556] I was with too many people.

[557] I was too scared.

[558] scared to go see it live to know to watch the camera essential thing because you'd hate it I got enough respect for him I don't need to watch it yeah but do you have more or less respect for him if you drug 14 chicks that seems that seems like if his special sucks that's not nearly as disappointing it's like you gotta be more honest on stage if that's what you're gonna really do you gotta deal with that from your act could you imagine if like he's like the squeaky clean guy but he's really just dirty drugging chicks and like that price is right guy not price is right who show is that family feud what did he do the high eight cameras wasn't that movie hiate oh no no no no no hogan's heroes yeah yeah yeah yeah the other guy who's on hoagin's heroes was the host of family feud oh went on to remember yeah survey says they the british guy oh no no no before him oh really rich guy yeah i don't remember oh yeah i remember that guy he was the original guy yeah he was the original guy yeah i don't know yeah Who the fuck was that?

[559] What was that dude's name, Jamie?

[560] Richard Dawson.

[561] Richard Dawson.

[562] He would always kiss the fucking ladies.

[563] Yeah.

[564] Remember, he was in Hogan's Heroes.

[565] That's why he kissed ladies because he was so far as a fucking horn dog.

[566] They were just fucking as evidence from that movie.

[567] That's him.

[568] That's him.

[569] Richard Dawson.

[570] He says.

[571] Yeah.

[572] That's right.

[573] Look at him.

[574] Sling a dick with that fucking beautiful vest on.

[575] I got a suit made with a three -piece.

[576] I saw, I saw you, I retweeted it, your pimp -ass photos from, no, I retweeted you, uh, Bruce Lee one, yeah, that one got the most, like, favorites I've ever gotten.

[577] He retweeted that.

[578] What were you doing to his dick?

[579] It was like, karate on?

[580] Yeah, and I just, like, angled it.

[581] So I was like, right in his dick.

[582] That's in Hong Kong?

[583] That was in Hong Kong.

[584] He's he, like, the biggest star to ever come out of Hong Kong, like, international?

[585] I got to believe so.

[586] Imagine the other Chinese dudes, like, what the fuck do I have to do?

[587] This doesn't make any sense.

[588] Two guys ever, Jet Li and him.

[589] That's it?

[590] That's it.

[591] Oh, Jackie Chan.

[592] Whatever.

[593] Three guys.

[594] I'm guys like, I invented tables.

[595] I can't get a fucking footnote.

[596] Oh, look at you.

[597] Ball in.

[598] Yeah, those guys just made it.

[599] How long did I take?

[600] You go once, they measure you.

[601] You pick out of fabric, they measure you.

[602] Rhodes told me about it.

[603] They love him.

[604] His head shots on the wall there.

[605] That's hilarious.

[606] That guy's been there for 30 years, Rocky, the guy on the left.

[607] Wow.

[608] Your left or his?

[609] Yeah, that guy.

[610] The guy in a blue shirt.

[611] Rocky.

[612] yeah 30 years yeah how old is he looks like he's 80 he's like 60 something so he's been there yeah his son's there wow and that other guy's been doing tailoring for like 45 years yeah they pick out a fabric they measure you and then you come back the next day to like to like measure it on your body like see what they got to take in and stuff and you come back a couple days later pick up your suit that's what they did for me for the ufc all the ufc finally told you like we're going to do this for you yeah they gave up on me handmade suit they just made it for you great it won't fit better than that It's kind of tight.

[613] It is?

[614] Yeah, I'd stop wearing the jacket.

[615] The jacket's too much.

[616] I'm just, they don't make them for chimpanzees.

[617] Oh, right.

[618] They make them for regular people.

[619] You can get it made for your fucking garbage can body type.

[620] Garbage can.

[621] It doesn't work.

[622] The jacket doesn't work.

[623] The clothes work fine, although they're a little tight.

[624] It's weird.

[625] It's like a stretchy fabric, so it doesn't feel bad that it's tight.

[626] Yeah.

[627] The moves real good.

[628] But, you know, it's like there's like a slim look that people wear.

[629] these days slim trimmed sort of I pass those people like in like the lowery side I'm like god damn it you look good and there's suits like of the one button and like fuck black man and like fucking cool suits like Jesus like suits chick's that shit walking around those stupid shoes on they like that oh yeah the stupid shoes slippery uncomfortable slippery shoes oh this is so ridiculous they try to get me to wear those slippery shoes I'm like why you never even film my feet I should wear sneakers you should wear ratty chuck tailors good move yeah should but occasionally to see my feet.

[630] Wow.

[631] I'll show you from the bottom up.

[632] It looks like I'm trying too hard.

[633] Oh, yeah.

[634] You know?

[635] Like, if you're a comedian, you wear Chuck Taylor's with a nice suit.

[636] Jordan Rubin.

[637] But it's like you're being a comedian.

[638] Right.

[639] You're trying too hard.

[640] You're like, look, I'm wacky.

[641] I'm a wacky guy.

[642] I had a meeting with a dude once.

[643] There was a time, I don't know if I told you the story.

[644] There's a time where they were giving out development deals like fucking crazy.

[645] Left and right.

[646] Mad money.

[647] Mad money.

[648] For comedians and more importantly for writers.

[649] And this one guy was a writer He was a writer on like friends And he got a crazy deal A crazy and it was for with like I think it was Michael Eisener's company Wow Remember he had some company?

[650] She was about money and an office and they say We got you for two years Give us some ideas Yeah and so I had a development deal With Fox at the time So they wanted me to meet with this cat So I met with this guy to work on a sitcom This is post news radio Right after news radio ended I got this development deal And you're done with this you gotta tell another story So I go tell another story Yeah.

[651] You're going to tell me what it is?

[652] You're writing it down?

[653] Yeah.

[654] So I go, freak me out.

[655] What was I talking about?

[656] Got this development deal?

[657] Oh, yeah.

[658] Okay.

[659] So I go on this guy's office.

[660] And they gave him this giant fucking development deal.

[661] They tell me how amazing he is.

[662] One of the writers on friends.

[663] This guy's incredible.

[664] Turns out he was actually a partner of a funny guy.

[665] And he was a guy who would write shit down.

[666] And there was a two -guy team.

[667] And this guy got a development deal.

[668] But he was horrible.

[669] So I go in to meet with him, and he's wearing bowling shoes.

[670] And I look down, I see those bowling shoes.

[671] Why does that work?

[672] Oh, he's a wacky guy who wears his bowling shoes because he's silly.

[673] Don't you get it?

[674] So this guy's like talking to me about plots and this and that, and I'm looking at his bowling shoes.

[675] You silly, silly mother.

[676] And I got out of there, Sussman said the same thing to me. He goes, you see his shoes?

[677] He goes, he's wearing bowling shoes.

[678] And I go, yeah, what's up with that?

[679] He goes, he's trying to, wants you to think he's wacky.

[680] Oh, like who likes wacky?

[681] Because he's a bum a wacky guy.

[682] Because he was thinking, like, that's how you become a funny guy.

[683] He got to walk around with bowling shoes on.

[684] The script that he wrote was such a massive hunk of shit.

[685] Oh, my goodness.

[686] It was about an immortal guy.

[687] An immortal guy who bang chicks.

[688] He, like, got cursed in Egypt and bang chicks through the end of time, like, to the future and had all these sexual dilemmas.

[689] It was like...

[690] Weird.

[691] It was so bad.

[692] It was so...

[693] It didn't make any sense.

[694] It was like, you would read it, and you would go, who could have thought this was funny?

[695] I was in the office with the Fox people when they brought it to me and they have this like did you read it so we have this meeting I go yeah did you read it and they go yeah I go I fucking told you and they're like well I mean it's important what he's really good at his story structure I go what the fuck do you mean by that you just said nonsense what he's really good is story structure on a sitcom the idea is that like maybe you comedians know how to make things laugh make people laugh but what you don't know is how to structure a story.

[696] Nobody really cares about the structuring the story.

[697] But when they say stuff like that, like story structure, you know what they're just saying words that sound right.

[698] You probably won't know what this means, so I'll just say it to argue with me. Well, there's guys who know how to write movies or books that are really good at story structure.

[699] The guys are you write 24.

[700] Yeah.

[701] That's hard as shit.

[702] Hard as shit.

[703] Really good at structuring stories.

[704] They spend a ton of time on it.

[705] But a sitcom is about being funny.

[706] Stories are important, but funny stories are like Larry David was the master of that you know because he would you knew how to make a funny thorough through line it's funny the idea at itself is hilarious yeah exactly yeah I went off an audition for some for some part I told you this but I read it you know some best friend character and uh the casting director was like um okay uh that was good only my only note you you didn't do any of the lines You told me this.

[707] I was like, oh, yeah, those lines are terrible.

[708] I cannot do those.

[709] I was supposed to go out for that same role.

[710] Yeah, that's hilarious.

[711] I read it and I was like, get the fuck out of here.

[712] They're making a big push through the comedian community.

[713] Yeah.

[714] I got to me and I was like, because I'm not completely out of the loop.

[715] I don't audition for things.

[716] I don't want to act.

[717] I don't have any desire.

[718] So when it comes to me, it's coming to me completely out of the blue.

[719] Like, I don't put myself out in that world.

[720] The only person I've ever acted with is Kevin James because we're friends in the last decade plus.

[721] so I was like well maybe it's just really good and you read it and it's like it ain't good and then I heard what you did and I was like that's how to handle it I asked my manager like hey I said yes before I read it so now can I just fuck around how fun or should I just not go like how do you want to handle it I don't want to get you in trouble with the guys and director she goes all right I'm never going to tell you not to do what you want to do wow it's good agent yeah but that's how they make a piece of shit sitcom and you just wonder how you take a funny guy and make a fucking terrible sitcom with him so I hook him up with some shitty writer who just whips it out in a week who doesn't care about it at all some dickhead wearing bowling shoes thinking it's wacky well that's the beautiful thing about being a comic about detaching yourself from that ridiculous system like for the longest time we were all taught that we had to get a sitcom you have to get a sitcom you have to get a sitcom yeah put together an act get your seven minutes you just want to go on the road just that's the only way you're going to go on the road and have a draw put us at calm together yeah that was the thing man that's we always were taught that yeah and then suddenly you're like i just lost faith in television like i stopped even caring it was like a girl you're trying to fuck all the time she doesn't want to fuck you after a while it's like i'm not even mad of you i just you're irrelevant i just stopped thinking about you well one thing that i owe dain cook yeah for sure is that dain cook inspired me to use social media more you do this without without the TV, the approval of some guy.

[722] Well, he inspired me to use, like, social media in a promotion way.

[723] I never used it before, but I saw the results that he got, which were insanely good.

[724] MySpace.

[725] I mean, he got results from performances for sure, but he also got results because of the fact that he had so many MySpace friends.

[726] Yeah, he capitalized on those results of the shows.

[727] He capitalized so hard on him.

[728] Yeah.

[729] Fascinating.

[730] Completely fascinating.

[731] So that got me, like, really into MySpace, which got me really into Twitter, which got me. I always had a message board but that's also when brian and i started working together and he started creating videos and that also oh yeah message board was nice but it's not the same but i saw everybody yeah it's not the same that the message board is very exclusive yeah you're right it shouldn't say exclusive but you know limited but once you see he showed the way a little bit where it's like guys we don't need them anymore we can do some of it our own he was the first guy to break through and when i saw it i was like i was looking at what he created by by breaking through like that now and then i started seeing i was like ooh there's going to come a point in time maybe it's now Maybe it's in the future where all it's going to matter is how many people you can connect with online.

[732] Like whatever you can create, that people, whether it's one of those videos that Brian used to do, or whether it's a blog entry, or whether it's a stand -up comedy clip, or whether it's a podcast, which didn't even exist back then.

[733] Yeah.

[734] By the way, I have a podcast called Ori Shepter Scyth Tank.

[735] Everyone should check it out.

[736] It's pretty fun.

[737] But that was one of the things that led us to doing those Justin