#1268 - Ron White

[0] It tastes like grape.

[1] Grape.

[2] It is great.

[3] Look at you.

[4] Yeah.

[5] Grape.

[6] It's grape.

[7] Fucking nailed it.

[8] That's where I got it.

[9] We're live?

[10] Ron White, we're live.

[11] Oh, we are?

[12] Yes, sir.

[13] What a fancy beginning.

[14] That's how I do it.

[15] I like to be professional.

[16] Cheers, my brother.

[17] Cheers.

[18] Good to see you.

[19] Good to be here, man. Good to be here.

[20] Delicious.

[21] Good to see you after that.

[22] Mentally intensive.

[23] carbohydrate versus fat i'm done you genuinely came out of their looking exhausted it was a rough debate they were going back and forth they didn't like each other they were mocking each other a little bit but hopefully people got some information out of it two good guys they just uh different positions they don't see out of eye joe nope what are you going to do what are you going to do hear them out exactly what are you going to do what you're going to do Ron White so apparently Ron White you're You have a mug shot that we can add to our collection.

[24] Yeah, I'll get one over here.

[25] I'll have it framed and send it on up.

[26] Fuck, yeah.

[27] I'll make sure it's small enough to put on that wall out there, you know, so it'll be a pretty big one.

[28] I'd like to have a pretty dominant spot over at the...

[29] Tell me what you need.

[30] Experience.

[31] I'll give you a fucking six foot tall one, brother.

[32] All right, all right.

[33] That's it, six foot tall.

[34] Life size.

[35] Yeah, get it printed.

[36] Fuck it.

[37] Yeah, it was a bad picture.

[38] Yeah.

[39] It were really bad.

[40] So, we were talking about this.

[41] This is a, you got busted for weed.

[42] Somebody ratted you out that there was weed on your plane.

[43] They didn't say there was weed on my plane.

[44] They said it was a drug smuggling plane.

[45] Oh.

[46] And so there's a hotline that you can call, and they just pilots that I'd fired.

[47] And so I'm just sitting on the plane looking out the window, and there's drug dogs and people in vests and machine guns.

[48] And I'm like, what's going on out there?

[49] Well, but, you know, as soon as they determined that that's not what it was, that I just had some personal weed that obviously somebody called in and lied.

[50] Instead of going and arresting that guy, they took me to jail.

[51] That makes no sense at all.

[52] And then in the newspaper, the sheriff goes, well, he might not have had much pot with him, but who knows how much he did have?

[53] And who knows I didn't kill somebody?

[54] How about we just put me up for murder right now?

[55] Yeah.

[56] If we need no evidence at all.

[57] Who knows he didn't steal?

[58] Larsonie.

[59] How about that?

[60] Something.

[61] Something.

[62] They went, they drove by it.

[63] They drove by three meth labs in a dead hooker Just to get to my plane And really the funny part of it Was the next day we were going to go somewhere else in Louisiana And then now I've got a You know, just weed we can get rid of That's all we can do because they might do it again Next night, next place More dry.

[64] So now we've got an apple we're smoking out of There are two of them on horseback And Alex feeds the apple One of the horses As he's walking by Here you can't take this little apple So they tried you check your plan again They did check it again But we just had come up with this little plan That you know We would just would And he also had to eat a little bag of weed And he was really stoned on stage And really strong But we didn't go to jail that night If you eat just Just eat weed Will get you high?

[65] Yeah absolutely will It takes a while But it was a big old chaw of it I mean that's a big old A little lip full of cheek full i'm surprised people don't chew weed like there's no one out there chewing it tastes like ass dude that's which is why nobody eats weed even the cookies you know they got to they got to they got to watch it to keep them tasting there is a growing number of people who juice the leaves and drink it yeah you know like wheatgrass juice they do it with the leaves of cannabis plant i've seen people squeeze it to make the like the concentrate out so i think they're uh they're sticking in one of those masticators is that what they called those things that make uh you know like wheat grass like yeah they can get juice at a fucking grass it makes sense if you could get it out of I mean if you get out of grass you could get it out of any plant right it doesn't be high yeah you don't get high though it's like getting the CBD out then what's the point for health Ron oh yeah you know it's like O'Doole's pot to tell you what's not bad the Heineken shit that we got.

[66] We have Heineken 0 -0, whatever the fuck it is.

[67] It does not taste bad.

[68] It's very good.

[69] It's got no alcohol in it.

[70] But it tastes good.

[71] So you don't get that annoying buzz.

[72] I know.

[73] No, you don't get none of that.

[74] Yeah, because you guys had that soccer sober October, and it looked like you were having a blast.

[75] I have to admit sitting from the sideline that, oh, boy, this sober thing looks like a blast.

[76] I did have a November to remember.

[77] Yeah, we had no remember November.

[78] Yeah.

[79] Sober, October is interesting.

[80] It's good to do every year, but I like to do it.

[81] You think you'd ever do it?

[82] No, I don't think I could.

[83] How many days do you think you'd take off?

[84] You know, really, not one and be very happy about it.

[85] I mean, I've got a little touch of alcoholism that someday I'll either deal with or I won't, but, you know, it's a maintenance thing with me, so.

[86] A maintenance is as far as keeping your mindset correct, just feeling good?

[87] Like, what is it?

[88] Yeah, you know, it's just not giving.

[89] give a fuck juice?

[90] I don't know.

[91] It's just something that I seem to require.

[92] You know, it's, I can't wait for that first drink of the day.

[93] And then I usually drink, you know, pretty much to excess every single night of my life.

[94] So, I mean, I'm not saying this is a good thing.

[95] And I'm certainly not bragging because I see people that are sober and I get jealous of them.

[96] I'm like, wow, what would that be like to, you know, wake up feeling good every day?

[97] day.

[98] And I'm so committed to it.

[99] I don't understand that.

[100] I mean, I don't understand why I won't just let it go.

[101] But it's, you know, I know it's such a big part of, you know, who people perceive me to be, but it's also just a big part of how I perceive me to be.

[102] Well, people who perceive you to be, they perceive you.

[103] Like, if anyone has ever asked me, what's Ron White like?

[104] I go, what do you think he's like?

[105] Oh, great guy, likes to drink a lot, always funny.

[106] Yeah, that's him.

[107] that's that's you you have the benefit of you don't have uh an act like you're not putting on an act but you are a character like you that but it's who you are it's so much better like if people found out you were some teetotal and got like have you ever seen somebody who drinks fake shots on stage yeah yeah that's rough that's a rough place to be yeah pretending to be boozing it up with the crowd.

[108] Come on, folks.

[109] Well, you know, Foster Brooks, who was the best, Foster Brooks was so good at being a drunk with a teetotaler.

[110] Wasn't Dean Martin as well?

[111] Not a teetotaler, but he would pretend.

[112] You know, I don't think so.

[113] And I hear that, but I've seen him, when I did the Foxworthy Roast, I went back and watched all those roasts.

[114] Yeah.

[115] And that guy was drunk.

[116] And if you go watch movies he was in, he was not a good actor.

[117] So he was acting.

[118] And him and Foster Brooks were in the same one.

[119] and Brooks was just so good and so edgy.

[120] And, uh, but you could tell which one was really drunk.

[121] And, uh, but I think a lot of times in Vegas, he might have had fake drinks and, you know, uh, or maybe people just wanted to say that because it's a little story.

[122] Right.

[123] You know, but he looked like a, you know, it looked like he was fucked up to me. Have you seen that show on, uh, I don't know if you watch any of Amazon Prime?

[124] You ever seen that show?

[125] The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

[126] It's about a stand -up comic.

[127] No, I see.

[128] I hear about it all the time, and people are always saying it's really, really good.

[129] It's fucking great.

[130] It's fucking great.

[131] I just finished something today, so I'm looking for the next...

[132] Watch that, man. Especially season one.

[133] Season two was great, too.

[134] I enjoyed it, but people didn't give season two as much reward, as much props as they did.

[135] I like both seasons.

[136] But there's a woman in that, who has...

[137] has an she's putting on an act like she's this really highfalutin lady who pretends to be this chick from queens and she puts on a fat suit and does this act and uh it drives mrs mazel fucking crazy she hates it and she talks shit about her and it starts my spoiler alert i won't say anymore but it just that trap of being a character right pretending to be something that you're not i you know i think that's and this might be a little bit of a stress joe i I don't know.

[138] But, you know, I think that's why Steve Martin quit because he was a parody of a comedian, which was brilliant and so funny.

[139] Let's Get Small was one of my favorite albums ever.

[140] And I took it with me everywhere I went and played it for people and then took credit for how good it was, even though I really had very little to do with it, except for spending the money.

[141] I remember when I was a kid, I listened to that long before I ever did stand up.

[142] He was fucking great, man. God damn, he was great.

[143] But he was doing 45 ,000 people a night when he quit.

[144] Yeah.

[145] I think that was the problem.

[146] I think he just got over.

[147] I think he's like a lot of comedians.

[148] They feel a lot.

[149] You know, they're not numb people.

[150] They feel a lot.

[151] And I think for him, like this thing.

[152] Maybe that's why I'm drinking.

[153] Maybe.

[154] Maybe.

[155] I don't want to get in touch with those features.

[156] Everybody that's damaged feels a lot, and everybody that's a comic is damaged.

[157] You know, and I think...

[158] I agree with that.

[159] I think with Steve Martin, he was just so big, man. I don't think...

[160] I think he's bigger than you or I combined.

[161] Like, he just would go on stage and they would go fucking crazy.

[162] It didn't even make sense to people.

[163] Right.

[164] It would laugh at anything.

[165] And also difficult for him to perform.

[166] Yeah, he didn't know what was funny anymore.

[167] And, yeah.

[168] So, I think, I mean, it was a balsy thing to do.

[169] Fucking crazy.

[170] And, uh, but...

[171] And then he walked straight into film and, you know, everything he's done has been crazy, crazy successful.

[172] No, he's excellent.

[173] And I'd love to go see the band, Kathy Nelson, my, you know, Kathy, runs the tour and thing.

[174] She went to see the band and went back and talked to him and said it was great.

[175] Wow.

[176] I'd like to meet him.

[177] We lived in the same town for a while.

[178] I'd like to meet him, but I never ran into him.

[179] ran into Jonathan Winters there a couple of times.

[180] What was he like?

[181] He was holding court at the post office.

[182] And 20 people around, he's doing characters.

[183] He's killing at the post office.

[184] And so that was the second time I saw him.

[185] The first time I saw him was, he was having lunch by himself.

[186] And I was with another comic.

[187] And he goes, you think he'd mind if we went over there and said hi?

[188] An hour later, we're like, well, we got to go.

[189] We got to split.

[190] We got the shit to do.

[191] he was robin's big influence right right yeah that's uh yeah that's true yeah he was so zany he was so zan who the fuck was like him think of that yeah it had to start with something right that's what i got i got this theory that uh there's uh two kinds of comics bridge builders and people that walk across those bridges i'm a big walker yeah i didn't invent any of this stuff I think.

[192] Well, you got to go back to like Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce.

[193] Those are the big ones.

[194] And then Kinnison did a big one too.

[195] Kinnison because Kinnison taught us that somebody can genuinely not like you.

[196] Yeah.

[197] And you can still make them like that.

[198] Yeah.

[199] But he also taught me that you can punch down as low as you want as long as it's funny.

[200] Right, as long as it's funny, as long as you're good enough.

[201] That fucking bit that he had about starving children to this day, I had an argument with a guy on the podcast about it where he was telling me that you, comedy only punches up.

[202] I go, that's crazy.

[203] Kinnison had two of the best bits of all the time.

[204] They were both punching down.

[205] One was about starving kids.

[206] The other was about necrophiliacs, paying money.

[207] It's bad corpses.

[208] But that's as down as you can get me. You're fucking a dead body.

[209] And both those bits were fucking genius.

[210] And it's the same with 9 -11.

[211] You know, if you're good enough of a writer, you can do material about that.

[212] but if you but if but you better be good you better have somewhere to go that yeah you better have somewhere to go and and i heard a couple of good pieces i don't remember who did them but you know uh but like the week afterwards the guy that uh was some guy that was the opening act was trying to riff on it and i got him over the side and i said hey dude not this is my stage right here and normally i don't tell it the comics what to do uh but until you have something to say about it that's uh that's really really funny you just i don't want you bringing it up yeah that's that's a tough one because you could kill the whole show some middle act goes on and you lost friends in the towers and that was a week ago right i mean that there's like levels of tragedy that's a real tough one to find humor in i'm not saying that someone can't do it there's people people find comedy in everywhere and it's legit they do they have a perspective it's just the eye you know how good are you so i'm good enough to avoid those things That's how good I am.

[213] I get it.

[214] I get it.

[215] I'm not good enough to do it.

[216] Patrice O 'Neill had a really great point about that.

[217] He's like all things, when someone's trying to be funny, they all come from the same place.

[218] Just some of them miss. Some of them just aren't funny.

[219] You can't get mad at those.

[220] But it came from the same place.

[221] Like, yeah, I bet someone would admit that they told a joke that wasn't funny.

[222] Whoops.

[223] Tried.

[224] They tried.

[225] But they didn't.

[226] They were not trying to be mean.

[227] Like the response sometimes.

[228] Right.

[229] It just didn't work.

[230] Yeah, it just sucked.

[231] But, you know, when someone's adamant, living some things are going to suck but the response sometimes to one that's like off you know it'll maybe a little bit too harsh or maybe a little too soon like people get so fucking mad all right well you sent me a tweet about that cosby bit that i did and uh it was really funny and uh but it it just stirred the pot so much you you think rape is good no that's not what i said at all right that's not what i said at all i made a joke That's it.

[232] And you do that, too.

[233] I mean, you stir up the pot big time.

[234] It's great.

[235] And you'll just go watch this.

[236] And then, you got to have a point, though.

[237] And if you have a point and you really are trying real hard to be a good person, you just have a point.

[238] I just have a point on things.

[239] I'm going to say it.

[240] You know, you might get mad, but I'm not saying it to be a bad guy.

[241] I'm saying it because that's what I do for a living.

[242] So they do.

[243] We find things, you know.

[244] Burr was telling me that he did Carolines in New York City.

[245] He was like, it was almost like a college gig.

[246] He's like, people are so sensitive now in New York.

[247] Oh, you know, he and I just did the VFW Hall in Hollywood.

[248] And then the, and I was calling him about another comic that I wanted.

[249] I was just talking to at the bar and I thought he was really funny.

[250] And I now I can't remember his name, Joe.

[251] DeRosa?

[252] Joe DeRosa?

[253] Yeah, Joe DeRosa.

[254] And I called him and he goes, yeah, no, he's really good.

[255] And he goes, how about I come over and do it?

[256] I'm like, well, of course, Bill, whatever.

[257] You want to do time on it?

[258] Come on over.

[259] Well, he was doing a bunch of Trump stuff and, you know, and I guarantee you my fans are pretty split down the middle, but it did not go over well.

[260] and he didn't give a fiddler's fuck about it.

[261] And so he just made him mad and stirred him up for about 20 minutes.

[262] And then we both did my set and we smoked a cigar.

[263] And he's not drinking either for like a year or something like that.

[264] Yeah, he looks great.

[265] He looks really good.

[266] He looks thin and healthy.

[267] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[268] The Trump jokes are interesting because I don't remember anybody getting mad at you for Bush jokes.

[269] Right.

[270] It's different.

[271] They were just jokes, right?

[272] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[273] Even if you were like a Bush supporter, you could crack a joke about the way he spells potato or something's like, nobody gave a fuck.

[274] People didn't care.

[275] It was a different thing.

[276] Even if people were supporting them.

[277] It wasn't Bush, by the way, that spelled potato wrong.

[278] Oh, that's right.

[279] It's quail.

[280] That's right.

[281] That's how these rumors get started, man. It is how they get started.

[282] Yeah, you conspiracy dudes over here blowing off this who's spelled potato wrong shit.

[283] Oh, that's right.

[284] It was him.

[285] Bush fucked some things up too, though, did?

[286] he?

[287] Well, Didn't he fuck some stuff up?

[288] There's a whole album like the wit and wisdom of George W. Bush and he says like, full me once, shame on you.

[289] Yeah, shame on me again.

[290] I don't know.

[291] You know, what's interesting about Bush is when he was running for governor of Texas, he had a completely different way of communicating.

[292] He talked like a really smart guy.

[293] He's very articulate.

[294] I mean, he was a smooth, smooth talker.

[295] You're talking about W?

[296] W. There's a video of him from back in the day.

[297] when he was running for governor and he's great.

[298] You listen to him like look this energetic, intelligent guy, he's articulate, he seems like one of us.

[299] And then they had a side -by -side video comparing him to like Bush after seven years in office, like he's like barely hanging on.

[300] He's not paying attention to shit.

[301] He's given the reins to heaven and hell to Dick Cheney.

[302] Dick Cheney's in a bunker, seven miles underground, making nefarious decisions.

[303] You know, I mean, it was weird.

[304] It was a weird time, but you can make fun of Bush all day long.

[305] Nobody gave a fuck.

[306] You make fun of Trump today.

[307] People want to kill you.

[308] I almost got in a scuffle the other day at the gas station.

[309] This guy just starts spouting out stuff.

[310] He was putting gas in his car right over there.

[311] And by the first words, the sentence that came out of his mouth from nowhere, hadn't said a word of the guy, didn't say hi to him, nothing.

[312] Nancy Pelosi is a dumbest person that ever lived on this planet.

[313] And I get baited so easy.

[314] I just said, probably not.

[315] probably not that you're probably wrong she's probably not Obama was an idiot he graduated number one from Harvard law so views politically aside we can start with he's probably not stupid and what a good speaker he was the best oh yeah it was smooth the most presidential he was a guy that you were happy to have represent you whether he believed with his you know, believe in him and you support his ideas or not, as a representative of our culture, of our civilization, that guy was smooth and measured and articulate and...

[316] And off the book, you know, most of the time, you know, he was just, he was saying what he thought, and he wasn't reading off of scripted.

[317] Well, you know the story about Clinton?

[318] I know, son.

[319] With being off the book.

[320] Clinton was such a good orator that the telepropter went off.

[321] broke like five minutes into his fucking speech and he did all that shit by memory just did the whole goddamn thing by memory and i played the nine holes of golf with him what was he like and uh it was well there's still security secret service all around him right and so it was a private uh golf course uh larry ellison uh that owns oracle oh wow uh owns this private golf course it has 14 he's a big tennis guy So he puts on the tennis stuff out in Palm Springs And nobody plays this course And he doesn't play golf And it's just his private That's just a deal He's got his own course Yeah he's got his own course He played through our group And at Shadow Creek and Beverly Hill I mean in Vegas It really exclusive course Impossible to get on And he was playing by himself And he was gone to T -box And I said It's lonely at the top And Larry and he goes Yep And he was ball and went off by himself.

[322] Wow.

[323] But he wasn't even there, but Clinton was.

[324] And he told me a story.

[325] His friend of his is a record producer, rap records, big, he didn't tell me who it was and didn't tell me who the artist was either, but the artist was all dugged out, and he was in a Ferrari store.

[326] And the salesman goes, are you thinking about buying this car?

[327] And the guy goes, no, I'm going to buy the car.

[328] I'm thinking about pussy.

[329] So the, the, Clinton told me a story that had the word pussy in it.

[330] That's a fucking great story.

[331] Clinton told you that story.

[332] Clinton told me that.

[333] That's a great fucking story.

[334] That is a great story.

[335] That poor bastard.

[336] He's almost like a comic.

[337] Like, he could just be free.

[338] Yeah.

[339] Like, you think if he got divorced and just started going on the honest Bill Clinton lecture sort of.

[340] Oh, I fucked her.

[341] Yeah.

[342] I did.

[343] I didn't want to either.

[344] What did you think I was going to do?

[345] What would you do?

[346] What would you do?

[347] You're in my position.

[348] What would you do?

[349] You're smart.

[350] You know you don't got but 40 years left of life.

[351] I'd shove my pecker right in her mouth.

[352] That's what I would have.

[353] The whole idea of being the fucking number one guy.

[354] You've got to be so goddamn pussy hungry to want to be the number one guy.

[355] 100%.

[356] You've got to have big appetites, that's for sure.

[357] For everything.

[358] Yeah, for everything.

[359] You've got to be a super conqueror.

[360] Yeah, and all those guys are, I mean, not all those guys.

[361] I don't want to generalize, but it's really, really common for men of that are in power positions to just be horny as fuck all the time.

[362] Of course.

[363] I mean, we got to go back.

[364] The way we want these people to behave is so contrary to the way any king ever behaved ever in history.

[365] Like the stories of kings throughout history was always decadence.

[366] It was always, you know, all these women and wine and food and more food.

[367] People feeding them grapes.

[368] Open sores and cutting off the fucking.

[369] ex -wife's heads and shit like that's what you think of ordering armies people protecting them it's like those people were just gluttons just the super gluttones of the world right and we don't like that so then we try to turn someone into some fucking norman rockwell person right and that doesn't work either it's not really because you don't have enough uh you you don't you don't have enough charisma to lead yeah maybe you know trump is showing us that like you could talk shit about him 24 -7, 365 days a year.

[370] He's not adjusting anything.

[371] In fact, he digs his heels in.

[372] He's the same fucking guy.

[373] No matter what happens.

[374] Well, you know, I really don't like to get into my position on Trump because it, and the reason is I just don't feel like it's my job.

[375] I feel like it's your job.

[376] Yeah.

[377] My job's different.

[378] You know, my job is to go up there and just, you know, make them laugh.

[379] But I don't want to be divisive.

[380] Yeah, I hear you.

[381] I just don't want to do it because it's my fan base is split and you know i've had you know nothing ever really happens but i had a guy one time because i said something a meet and greet who has paid to take a picture of me and then refused to take a picture of me because of what i said and i'm like i don't give a fuck dude don't take a picture leave that i don't give it shit yeah people are so touching yeah but you know that's also one of that it's like they're exerting power over you i'm not even a take a picture i'm going to unfollow you on Instagram to Ron White.

[382] Right.

[383] God damn communist.

[384] Yeah.

[385] What am I going to do?

[386] I told one girl, she said, now I'm going to unfollow.

[387] You used to be funny, but now you're just filthy, and I'm going to unfollow you.

[388] And I know it doesn't matter.

[389] And I said, you can't leave.

[390] All the plants will die.

[391] Whenever you're in a bind, quote Bill Murray.

[392] Yeah.

[393] People are just so mean.

[394] Just want to hurt you, Ron White, for no reason.

[395] Yeah, but nobody, I've already been as mad as I can be.

[396] and I'll never be madder and it happened when I was 16 years old so it's hard to make me mad and I'll tell you what made me mad I just got my driver's license my mother asked me to go to the store to get something it's in the summer in Houston I don't have any shoes on open my door step into a shitty pamper's there's somebody just thrown in the parking lot and I didn't just put a toe in and go oh that's baby shit that's wrong I just shove my whole foot into it green baby shit coming through my toes smears all over the diaper right so I'm stuck I don't know what to do I'm not gonna get back in my mother's car with this shitty foot I can't go into the store with baby shit all over my foot and I thought about just cutting my foot off and just leaving it in the diaper with a note and said you used to be a perfectly good fucking foot dude and nobody's ever made me that mad sense I was so fucking furious and I just wanted to hate and kill and over a shitty pamper that's crazy that was all it took that's all it took that's all it took it was so you know it just put me in a I've been stuck before let me tell you about the other time I was stuck this will get us off of politics I'm in my tour bus and I'm partying with my buddy Steve my best friend my road manager who passed away and he never gets laid but it looked like he had an angle on this girl so i picked up my beer and went back to my bedroom which i never do i sit up there and drink with the guys and i go back there just to go to sleep but i never take booze back there or anything and i'd gone back there and lay down and i put that uh doseki's bottle on the counter and then we took off during the night well i was real drunk and steve was real drunk and the bottle falls off and breaks and i don't hear it so in the middle of the night my bed sits high because you want to try to get those beds towards the center, because it's on those axles anyway, but the closer it is to the center, the better feels when you're in it.

[397] So you kind of slide off of it about an inch.

[398] And my foot went into the bottom of the beer bottle, had a shard hanging off of it about an inch and a half long.

[399] And I just, and I landed on it.

[400] Well, now I know exactly what it was.

[401] And, and somebody had hit the master lights, so I can't turn the lights on.

[402] You have to go back and turn them on on the master switch but i know that around me is broken glass everywhere because i understand what happened i understand that bottle fell broke and i got it in my foot so i pull my foot up and i didn't know how big the shard was and i just pull it out of there and blood just starts gushing out well steve's passed out in a bunk and he can't hear me i can't get to a phone i can't see so what do i do i just crawled back in bed and went to sleep and bled and uh and steve said the next morning it looked like somebody killed a hog in there and he just lifted up the she's him and the bus driver and saw my foot and they were like ah he's all right just uh Jesus Christ did you did you worry about bleeding out how much blood's coming out of your foot because the only option was to take another step right and cut the other foot and uh do you have your phone with you I wasn't within reach I was just stuck and I was also drunk Stuck and drunk And bleeding God damn That's a good combination Yeah Yeah I was stumped I didn't know what to do I didn't know how to fucking combat it So I would just crawl back in bed And I'm like How was your foot?

[403] 13 stitches As soon as I woke up And looked at him Let's go the hospital guys And And uh And uh And soed it back up 13 on the bottom of my foot Right in the arch And uh It was a You know It was a mess It was a fucking mess Every time If you fuck your foot up You realize how much you need them.

[404] Like, you can fuck your shoulder up and that sucks.

[405] Yeah, but you can still walk somewhere and get something.

[406] Yeah, when you fuck your foot up, you're like, oh, okay, this is a real problem.

[407] You get a knee operation or something?

[408] I play foot every, I play golf every day, so.

[409] Oh, yeah, so it's a real problem.

[410] It's a real problem with me. Yeah.

[411] Every day?

[412] Every day I can.

[413] Not every day, but every day I can.

[414] Golf is one of those games, man. Guys just get fucking into golf.

[415] Yeah.

[416] It's, you know, it's, you know, look at what you're into, you know.

[417] It's something that you do and you've always done and you just, you just keep doing it, you know.

[418] I did it.

[419] I watch it on television like it's a soap opera.

[420] I just watched 80 hours of the players.

[421] It also gives me a reason not to exercise, you know, because I got this golf to watch.

[422] Yeah.

[423] Well, golf does give you some exercise, though.

[424] That's a fact.

[425] You are walking around.

[426] It's better than being sedentary.

[427] Yeah, you're walking around and you're thinking, you know.

[428] You're planning shit out, looking at the curves of the grass and measuring and trying to work out, solve problems.

[429] So I get it.

[430] I'm just terrified.

[431] Terrified.

[432] I'll be one of you guys out there every day.

[433] Yeah, right.

[434] I know I have friends that go out every day.

[435] You, you're one of them.

[436] I know other guys.

[437] I do too.

[438] Every time they get a chance.

[439] The guys I play with go every day.

[440] Yeah, if you can pull it off, it's like a gentleman's leisure way of life.

[441] Yeah, you know, and it's always back when I was a club comic.

[442] That's how I killed the day.

[443] I started playing when I was like 13.

[444] And so I would just go to a golf course and, you know, schmooze out a deal where I could play golf there every day.

[445] And you ain't jack shit to do during the day in clubs for 15 years.

[446] Right.

[447] You know, I'm doing 48 weeks.

[448] Right.

[449] And making $500 a week or whatever it was when I started.

[450] You know, it was a middle act out there.

[451] You had to work them all, you know, because you needed the $500 real bad.

[452] Yeah.

[453] Do you ever look back at them?

[454] those days with like do you reminisce i you know what i it's it's a good thing for me that this was the path of least resistance right because uh because uh because if it wasn't for stand up i'd be a regional marijuana distributor in the state of texas in a in a in an industry that has some questions coming up so uh you know i did it because i loved it but it was also fun fun fun you know know, and it was easy for me. I didn't mind the travel because I liked drinking free in bars and, and, you know, practice in this art form and, you know, but I never, ever thought it would, you know, go where it went, you know, if, you know, people ask me, how do I do that?

[455] I'm like, I don't know how I did it.

[456] And I was right there when it happened.

[457] I have no idea.

[458] I barely remember it.

[459] Did you live in Mexico for a little bit?

[460] Mm -hmm.

[461] In fact, there's a really, really, really good PGA player from the same town I lived in that played golf every day where I played golf.

[462] I didn't know him as young.

[463] He would have been a – let's figure it out.

[464] He would have been – he's like 21 or 2 now, and he was in the heat for this tournament.

[465] His name was Abraham Answer, is his name.

[466] And born in Rhenosa, Mexico.

[467] Well, he's actually born across the border because there's no wall, right?

[468] They can just come over there and have a baby.

[469] But his parents must have been fairly well off for that part of the world, you know, to do that.

[470] But he's great.

[471] He's great.

[472] And I dig it because, you know, and I see where he came from, exactly, you know.

[473] It's where my son made a hole in one.

[474] He was eight years old.

[475] He was on a capacitory golf course in Renoza, Mexico.

[476] How many holes in one?

[477] Does a guy get in his career?

[478] I've had one.

[479] My son's had one.

[480] You know, like the big guys, maybe 16, 17, 18, in a whole lifetime.

[481] There's no equivalent in other sports.

[482] Yeah, I wouldn't.

[483] A whole in one, there's no equivalent in any other game.

[484] Right.

[485] There was a double eagle.

[486] What's that mean?

[487] That's where you make a two on a par five.

[488] so that means you sunk a hole from 262 262 yards out you made it on the second shot oh wow very rare very rare so a double eagle slightly less rare than a whole and one way less rare way less rare because that part three could be as much as a hundred and twenty five yards you know and most of them aren't made on the longer 185 but you know you're not The guys like me aren't hitting no part three from, you know, $2 .35.

[489] Yeah, if you think about it, I guess there's nothing like that in any other game or sport.

[490] A hole in one.

[491] Where it just works out perfect.

[492] Maybe a walk -off Grand Slam or...

[493] Yeah, maybe.

[494] Those happen way more often, though.

[495] Yeah, way more.

[496] Well, yeah, way more often than a whole in one.

[497] For how many people try it every...

[498] You know, you don't get many chances at that grand slam, but...

[499] But the other thing is, for how many people have to...

[500] Pitch at you.

[501] you're definitely going to hit the ball it's right there like that golf ball is just right there i mean you might not have a good lay but you're definitely going to hit it am i saying all the right chain yeah well yeah well if you hit a foul ball you got to play it that's true you got to go find it and yeah it just it seems like the odds of you getting a hole in one must be off the charts it must be like a thousand to one or a hundred thousand a one or something crazy like that yeah maybe i mean most people maybe maybe never you know what do you think the numbers numbers would be what are the odds Oh, fuck, John I didn't graduate from high school.

[502] Okay, let's figure it out.

[503] Let's throw the math to those carb guys.

[504] Those science dudes.

[505] They were killing me. But what do you guess?

[506] My son made one the 11th day he ever played golf.

[507] Wow.

[508] In front of me and his coach and his best friend.

[509] And it was a 95 -yard part three from the regular women's seas with a U .S. Kids Club driver that I still have.

[510] Wow.

[511] And it just straight at the hall.

[512] Oh, he had a great golf swing.

[513] Kids, if you treat him, you know, his golf coach was good.

[514] Even though they spoke a different language, they understood golf and how to teach him that swing.

[515] And so he was good at it, and he didn't really play much anymore.

[516] It's not his thing, but it landed 10 yards in front of the pen, bounced twice, rolled right in the middle of the cup.

[517] And at this point, I've been playing golf for 30 years, and I'd never done it.

[518] Wow.

[519] And so it was a big deal.

[520] And he got his name in a couple of newspapers.

[521] and they mentioned him on the golf channel.

[522] He was the youngest kid that had made a hole in one that year that was registered.

[523] And then like two weeks later, a six -year -old did it.

[524] My son was like, uh, you know, they took all the joy out of it for him.

[525] Yeah.

[526] That was one kid.

[527] He was lucky.

[528] He hit it, his went on off a mailbox.

[529] You're winning off a perfect golf shot.

[530] Golf shot, it's a hard thing to learn, right, that swing?

[531] Yeah, you know, it is a really difficult thing to do.

[532] And it's just a, it's a thing that you learn how to aim.

[533] It's like a bow and arrow, you know, even though that's a little easier to teach somebody how to do, but to do it exceptionally well, you know, it's, it's not easy to do.

[534] And or a slingshot, how to get the power at the right spot or even flycasting.

[535] It's not power everywhere.

[536] It's power in the right spot.

[537] Yeah, that does it.

[538] Whip of the wrist.

[539] Yeah, and so it's hard to do, but it's fun to do once you learn how to hit a good solid golf shot and the ball comes off the way it's supposed to.

[540] It's, you know, it's bliss.

[541] I'll tell you something.

[542] Here's a story about golf.

[543] My best friend who passed away died of brain cancer.

[544] So they had done a surgery on him that had just down scars, down his neck, down his back, where they were trying to heart.

[545] They were, you know, they were shooting it, you know, he was already, you know, he had a, he should have had a death sentence.

[546] We just weren't saying it out loud.

[547] And we were at my place in Montecito, and we had thrown everything at this cancer, but the kitchen sink, and we were looking for the fucking sink, you know.

[548] And, and Steve goes, let's go a golf course, man. He goes, I'll help you read some puts.

[549] He was always good at reading puts.

[550] We've been playing golf since we were a little kid.

[551] We'd known each other since we were six.

[552] and so when I got my clubs out his clubs were in there too so he reaches into his pill bag and takes another pain pill and said I'll throw mine on there you know I might take a swing so and he did off the first T -box and it hurt and it wasn't very good and and he just winced and but every once in a while he'd put a ball down and he'd hit it and we get to the 17th holes part three 167 yards a long hole and he hits his drive with his driver and it fades off a little bit of the right but he caught it and so it was up kind of by the green but the pin was kind of on the other side and i was like great you know and uh and so he hits a chip shot which is easier to do and he's always really been good at that and he hits it to about seven feet and i'm like oh my god he's got a seven foot put for a par and he makes it and this dying man gets the biggest grin i've ever seen in my life and it was crooked because his muscles had been cut but it just brought him pure fucking joy and then i got to see the last par he ever made so and i got to witness that you know joy so that's pretty cool that's awesome that's pretty cool that's golf you know it can you know if it means that much to you you know it can make you feel better if you do it right one time i get it I think it's like in any difficult game like that.

[553] I guess it would be like that with a lot of games.

[554] But there's something about golf, too, that it's very physical.

[555] And you're doing it outside.

[556] It's one of the only things you have to do outside.

[557] You know, other than I guess you could do tennis inside, like, really.

[558] Right.

[559] But golf is a fucking giant -ass course.

[560] You're going to be walking.

[561] You got to go outside.

[562] Yeah.

[563] I do it in a golf cart, but, you know, I walk from the golf cart to the ball.

[564] Something's happening.

[565] Something's going on.

[566] Something's going on.

[567] But you got to stay loose, you know, that's the only reason I do yoga is to keep my lower back and my, you know, keep everything moving around.

[568] Your golf's got to be a lot of lower back, right?

[569] Yeah, well, it's just got, it's all got to turn, you know, around your spine, and that, you know, I'm 62 years old.

[570] And so that's just, you know, harder to do, unless you keep, you know, you got to keep those muscles stretched out to be able to do it at all.

[571] Yeah, I think it's like that with anything where you're moving your body as a unit.

[572] Martial arts stuff or anything, you better, as you get older in particular, you better be really aware of all the moving parts.

[573] When you're a kid, you could just fucking hit the gas.

[574] When you hit 50, you better be, you know, you're swinging a tennis racket or something like that.

[575] You better be aware of your shoulders and your knees.

[576] You've got to wear of all these moving parts.

[577] How old are you?

[578] 51.

[579] 51.

[580] What?

[581] Wait, wait for 62.

[582] I'm not waiting.

[583] What's up?

[584] Here's Tiger's back injury.

[585] He's had four back surgeries.

[586] Oh, no. He had another one?

[587] This isn't like yesterday or anything, but this is from like a year or two ago.

[588] Oh, good.

[589] Wise announced that he had undergone anterior lumbar interbody fusion.

[590] Oh, that's fusing his dicks.

[591] Many thought, many thought his discs, excuse me. He fused his dicks.

[592] Floyd.

[593] Hello, Freud.

[594] Many thought that his competitive golf career was.

[595] over and his fourth surgery since March of 2014, which involved removing the L5S1 intervertebral disc and then inserting fusion material to connect the L5 and S1 vertebrate.

[596] What?

[597] Oh my God.

[598] Although he's apparently recovered quite well from the operation, the surgery is quite rare amongst professional golfers.

[599] One of the PGA player Dudley Hart had also had a fusion in the same location as Woods.

[600] fucking fusion's rough man that means there's no disc left right and he won the uh uh the whatever the call the fedex cup the last tournament of the year yeah last year tiger won it and so he came back from that that that's incredible oh it is amazing and i was there uh is at east lake and atlanta and uh and i do all their all their charity stuff yeah that's the footage of him going up to 18th green he's about to win this thing and it's this is the the top 30 golfers on the PGA tour, which is the toughest tour there is.

[601] Look at all these people jazzing out.

[602] What a weird sport that everybody gets to run on the field and follow them.

[603] Right, walk right next to them.

[604] There's no crowd control there.

[605] They have no idea what the fuck is going on.

[606] I was right up there above this green because I walked with it because I get to go inside the rope.

[607] And I followed it a couple of bucks.

[608] Oh, he fucking choked.

[609] Nah, it didn't matter.

[610] This is the one he needs right here, the short one.

[611] That's it?

[612] Yep.

[613] Yeah, I think he had a two -shot lead going into that.

[614] And that's it, and he won?

[615] And he won the whole thing.

[616] Yeah, and that was the comeback.

[617] You know, that was the comeback that people said would never happen, that he would never, especially at this level.

[618] That's a hard tournament to win.

[619] I mean, that's a, that's tough, tough stuff.

[620] So he's back.

[621] Tiger's back.

[622] Tiger's back.

[623] I love him.

[624] I don't require a lot from people, you know, if they get some strange along the way.

[625] That guy's, he got it rough after his whole.

[626] divorce and the sex scandal he had it rough for a long time people were coming after him but the thing is about those back surgeries is I wonder why they did the fusion because I think they do articulating discs now that seem to be very effective I you know I think he tried I mean I think he had well he had four so because people are I know a few people that are doing those that have got those discs down.

[627] They put it like a titanium movable disc basically takes the place of the disc that's in your back.

[628] Eddie Bravo had that done.

[629] I don't know.

[630] What's it saying?

[631] You know, I play all these pro -ams.

[632] Increased golfers performance via an anterior approach is that it spares the large muscles of the back that are critical to golf swing, which potentially makes a recovery for athletes a bit easy.

[633] I don't know, but I would imagine whoever was looking at Tiger's back was about the best person in the world to be looking at it.

[634] So I'm sure they would have, he had a pretty big budget for it.

[635] Yeah, I mean, you would want, I mean, they must have like really calculated it.

[636] That was what the best move was.

[637] Maybe if they put an artificial disc, you would move funny.

[638] I'm good.

[639] I don't know, man. The back thing's a rough one.

[640] You ever have any back problems?

[641] I don't have a lot of any kind of problems, except that little alcohol thing that I got going, that little squeaker.

[642] But I play golf with guys in these pro -ams, and most of them are football, basketball players, and most of them around my age, and most of them are in pain.

[643] You know, it turns out smoking pot, watching cartoons, good for your knees.

[644] It's mine are fine.

[645] And I just didn't get hurt, you know.

[646] I didn't – I played golf when I was on the golf team.

[647] I sucked, but I was on the golf team in junior high and high school.

[648] And I played football too, but – Life of relative leisure is good for the joints.

[649] Right, it's good for the joints.

[650] Right.

[651] You don't take a pounding.

[652] Not from where I'm laying.

[653] Yeah, the fucking – the knees and the ankles – we were talking to Camaro Usman yesterday, who's the UFC Walterway champion.

[654] He's had five knee surgeries.

[655] both of his knees are basically bone on bone can't run anymore I had all kinds of crazy and she still fights destroys people with no needs he just fight he destroys people he's the best he just beat tyron Woodley who was the best before him it's fucking crazy I laughed so hard when that guy goes my balls got hot and you go there was the best the best thing you could have possibly said was I understand I love that guy Derek Lewis is he's a genius he figured out a way to be himself.

[656] He ever go to his Instagram page?

[657] No, no. If there's anything fucking crazy going on the world, Derek Lewis has it on an Instagram page.

[658] His Instagram page is the best.

[659] People found out about it.

[660] I gave him a shout out to his Instagram page on one of the UFC broadcasts.

[661] And now it's got like, what does he have?

[662] How many files do you have now?

[663] One point six million.

[664] It's that good, though.

[665] It's fucking chaos.

[666] He always gets videos deleted and removed, but apparently they leave him up there.

[667] I mean, they're not threatening him to take him down.

[668] I don't think.

[669] I hope not.

[670] It's where I go to.

[671] I'll go take a look at it.

[672] Any fucking dummy that's trying to light a bomb under a tire and fly through the air and smash the roof of a fucking garage with his face.

[673] He's got all that shit.

[674] Motorcycle accidents are people trying to do wheelies and they fall and lands on them.

[675] Anything fucked up on the internet.

[676] Derek Lewis.

[677] He's got it all.

[678] Anything crazy?

[679] He's a hilarious guy.

[680] But the fact that he could say something like that, you know, like right after a fight, Why do you take his shorts off?

[681] My balls was hot.

[682] He starts selling t -shirts afterwards.

[683] My balls is hot t -shirt?

[684] So they don't...

[685] I got one.

[686] I don't think people listen to anything that's being said about...

[687] USA and this hell.

[688] I need one.

[689] Derek, please.

[690] I need one of those shirts.

[691] I need one of those shirts.

[692] Please, Derek.

[693] oh my god he's the best he's such a character fight his ass off too so do what what uh i know it's your show but uh what how many fights do you do now and does anybody care about a fight you don't announce yeah they for sure care yeah i do uh 10 a year 10 events a year i'm doing like the big pay -per -views like 10 there's a lot of them that are overseas i just but they want you to be the voice right well um i just don't have time i just don't I don't have the time.

[694] You don't have the time with the podcast and with doing stand -up and, you know, making Netflix specials and shit.

[695] There's just no time.

[696] Right.

[697] No, yeah.

[698] Fuck, no. I know there's no time.

[699] I like it better when I do it once a month.

[700] Like, once, like 10 times a year is basically once a month.

[701] I like, I like that better because it seems like that's, um.

[702] And it's the higher profile stuff.

[703] I don't mind the, there's a lot of fights that are not that high profile that I love.

[704] It's like there are Crosby Stills and Nash and you're young.

[705] Right?

[706] You just pop in and do the big shows.

[707] and people, you know, don't care as much.

[708] I love doing it, man. I love doing it.

[709] I still do.

[710] But it's amazing to me how many people that I meet, because I talk about you, and I'm proud.

[711] I love our friendship, but I really admire you a lot.

[712] And I admire you for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that you're famous for a lot of things.

[713] And some people don't know you as all of those things.

[714] I don't know if anybody does.

[715] Well, probably because they listen to the podcast, and there's millions of them.

[716] But still, it's, I don't think, you know, I don't think it's as common for people to know how good a comedian you are.

[717] You know, of course they don't, unless they've seen you, you know, live, because they might think of you as the guy from the Fear Factor or the, or the man show, or UFC.

[718] And you're famous for all those things and stand -up comedy.

[719] That's a, that's, that's crazy.

[720] But I, but I, but I, but I, I find myself defensive.

[721] ending you sometimes going listen to his fucking stand -up go watch turn on netflix and watch that last special watch all of there it's really really good stuff he's one of the only people that really makes me laugh and uh and and and i feel like i'm out here spreading the word you got a podcast that reaches the entire universe and i'm explaining joe rogan to people so listen i love you and i appreciate you so you saying that to me means a lot to me thank you well that's uh anyway baby shit all over my fucking foot i'm saying is it was and i'm not over it i'm just not over it it's a good thing to be angry if you're gonna have one bad moment in your life that's a fucking that's a manager yeah because you can hose it off your foot right but there was no hose that's what i'm trying to say i get it was nasty there was no hose i get it there was no fucking hose i get it so well i wouldn't have been stuck if there would have been a hose but that was in the parking lot of a grocery store jamie will you tell me that connor mcgregor was mad at me for something?

[722] What were you saying?

[723] I could pull up the video, I guess.

[724] What was he doing?

[725] Is that illegal?

[726] Are we allowed to see it?

[727] That's fine.

[728] But what did he say something like I talk off script?

[729] I talk off script.

[730] Talk on script or you recall fights on a script or something.

[731] That is not really true because no one ever gives me a script.

[732] That's a fact.

[733] I mean, I don't know what exactly he said, but maybe he just didn't like my commentary.

[734] I bet he likes it when he wins.

[735] Right?

[736] You know, you had his picture up in in your, right here in the what do you call this place?

[737] In the studio.

[738] The actual quote is, I'd like him to call a fight how he sees it correctly instead of reading off a script, though.

[739] Well, that's his perception.

[740] I understand what he's saying.

[741] You know, sometimes people think that.

[742] But, you know, it's very difficult when someone's calling your fight.

[743] If he's talking about me calling someone's fight that's not his friend, then that makes much more sense.

[744] It's fucking hard, man. It's hard for me. I have a really hard time calling friends fights.

[745] It's fucking hard.

[746] I don't see it.

[747] Do you know them and you're friends with him?

[748] Yeah, well, I don't know him that well, but I like him a lot.

[749] It's fun to watch him fight, that's for sure.

[750] Do you mean to play the clip?

[751] Yeah, sure, go ahead, play it.

[752] Brian, he's got a great following.

[753] He's got crazy insight, great guests.

[754] Maybe at some stage him again, who know?

[755] Everybody's like to call a fight how he sees it, correct?

[756] Yeah.

[757] He might be reading off a script, though.

[758] The Diaz rematch, he was like he was reading off the force fight.

[759] You know, and that last one is talking about the face was getting to smash.

[760] Nice left for McGregor.

[761] I left that off of the gone with a black guy.

[762] The same way as two rat cousins left with.

[763] It's one of his other than a black guy.

[764] Fuck a beep, man. Maybe at some day if you do it.

[765] So he's talking, they must have asked him if you do the podcast.

[766] I get his position.

[767] You know, that Diaz fight was a good fucking fight, man. It was a hard fight.

[768] I wasn't calling it like the last fight, but I had to call it with the knowledge of the last fight.

[769] I had to know what happened in the last fight.

[770] And the last fight, Diaz survived the storm, tagged him, had him rocked, and then finished him on the ground.

[771] It doesn't mean that he didn't win the second fight.

[772] It was a close fucking fight.

[773] The second fight was a very close fight.

[774] But you have to acknowledge that that other fight took place.

[775] He also said it like with a smile.

[776] Yeah, he's funny.

[777] No, you can tell him that.

[778] I think that guy is, I mean, one of the most dynamic individuals to ever compete in a sport.

[779] He's a special person, very special person, very unusual guy.

[780] Even if he doesn't beat Khabib ever again or, you know, he loses.

[781] to this guy, loses to the Floyd Mayweather.

[782] Who cares?

[783] He's still one of a fucking billion human being.

[784] He's an unusual guy.

[785] The amount of electricity and excitement.

[786] How good is he?

[787] He's fucking good, man. He starched Jose Aldo, who's one of the greatest featherweights, if not the greatest next to Max Holloway of all time, starched him with one punch.

[788] When Aldo was Aldo, Aldo was the fucking man. I mean, he was the man. He was smashing everybody for years.

[789] And Connor talked so much shit to him and climbed so deep inside his head and infuriated him to the point we were so emotional and he came charging at Connor and Connor just slipped back and bang, drop like the best one -punch knockout in the history of the sport.

[790] Oh, no shit.

[791] Oh, 100 % because it was so significant.

[792] There was so much hype behind it.

[793] It was a guy where like, how good is this guy?

[794] Is this guy really the next big thing?

[795] Or is he going to fall apart when he meets a real champion like Aldo?

[796] And then he knocks him out with one, fucking punch.

[797] It was crazy.

[798] And then hammer fist him while he's out when he's on the ground.

[799] I mean, it was definitive, right?

[800] How long?

[801] In the first seconds?

[802] 14 seconds into the first round.

[803] He throws a hopping sidekick.

[804] He's gauging the distance.

[805] He's got like this karate stance.

[806] And then he sees Jose load up.

[807] Here, you can watch it right here.

[808] He sees Jose load up.

[809] And when he sees Jose load up, he had this fight won.

[810] Go ahead, play it.

[811] He had this fight one even before.

[812] I mean, he knew how it was going to go down.

[813] He knew what Aldo was going to do.

[814] He was real emotional and angry, so he knew he's going to come forward.

[815] So he's gauging his distance.

[816] Like, bang!

[817] See that?

[818] Bam!

[819] Oh, the Friday one.

[820] I mean, that was like one of the most spectacular chaos in the history of the sport, because it had so much meaning to it.

[821] It was so important.

[822] It was for the featherweight championship of the world.

[823] Connor had already won the interim title, him and Aldo facing each other.

[824] This big hype thing took like a year to put together crazy so that he's awesome did you call that oh yeah yeah i think it's the only time i've ever yelled out he slept him when someone got cracked because it just i don't even know why i said it just like that's that's what came to my head i just yelled it out he's that that's what he did he slept him i saw that special about that guy who announces for world wrestling or uh professional wrestling that the guy was Jake the snake yeah no no the announcer oh oh oh oh I'm sorry Which guy, Jim Ross?

[825] Is there a Jim Ross documentary?

[826] You know, he's got real bad PTSD and he's kind of, but he's a great, he's a star in that.

[827] Sounds like it.

[828] I don't know exactly.

[829] It's a book?

[830] No, it's a documentary that I saw, and I can't remember the guy's name.

[831] In 20 minutes, I still not will remember the guy's name.

[832] But it was great, and he's really good.

[833] I mean, he saw it after for big events.

[834] He does all their big events.

[835] or he did and then he'd like fall off into this crazy deprecious thing and then they'd come back and you know it was a great story I wish I could think of it I would think you'd know who that was Morrow?

[836] Morrow and Lowe Oh, was it Morrow?

[837] Yeah, yeah Oh, Morrow Ronell yeah Morrow does Showtime boxing too What's that Is that your phone run?

[838] Is that your phone It sings back in black?

[839] Yeah Yeah I think the special is called bipolar rock and roller.

[840] And Maro's been on the podcast for.

[841] He's a buddy man. He's a great announcer.

[842] A really, really nice guy, too.

[843] But yeah, he suffers from mental illness.

[844] And he does a really good job of talking about it and making sure that other people know that this is not something that you should be ashamed of, you know.

[845] What's going on?

[846] A message from my son.

[847] Oh, okay.

[848] Love you, Dad.

[849] Oh, how cute.

[850] He does that in the middle of nowhere for no reason at all.

[851] That's awesome, man. Ron White.

[852] Getting some love.

[853] But yeah, Morrow is he used to do pride.

[854] He used to do pride commentary.

[855] He's done a lot of boxing.

[856] He did Showtime boxing.

[857] He does WWE.

[858] He's done a bunch of MMA shit, too.

[859] You know, a bunch of different organizations.

[860] I think he even did Glory for a while.

[861] He does Bellator, too.

[862] That's right.

[863] He does Bellator.

[864] He's a really good guy.

[865] But yeah, mental illness is a weird one, man. You walk away from it, from watching the documentary, a fan, you know, even if you don't know anything about it.

[866] I loved wrestling when I was a kid, and I was a big Wahoo McDaniels fan.

[867] Who was Wahoo McDaniels?

[868] Oh, come on.

[869] I don't know, man. I don't know.

[870] I came up during the Bob Backland days.

[871] Yeah, this guy, he was a Dallas Cowboy at one time, and he was from Midland, Texas, and he was.

[872] Cherokee Indian And that guy Look at the size of him Oh yeah Look at him And he looked like a comedian Right He looked like shaky green Or somebody right Doesn't he looks like Yeah who does he look like So he would He would come out Now I This is my first My first encounter with the police My first encounter with the police Buddy Hackett That is what it is He's in Jack Buddy Hackett Yeah So I My cousin He was a few years old In me I'm visiting my relatives Up in this little town north of Amarillo.

[873] And so we go down to Marillo, 60 miles down to Amarillo, and he's going to take us to the Sportatorium to watch the Super Inferno, who I hated.

[874] I mean, this was on local television all over, you know, Texas.

[875] And they, and they, but one of the stops was there.

[876] And, and, and so we went.

[877] And I, and I don't think I'd been to one yet.

[878] And, it was my first one.

[879] And, and, and I I loved Wahoo McDaniels, because he gets out there and just, and he comes back from anything, right?

[880] And you'll think he's out of it.

[881] And he ain't out of it.

[882] He just, he is amazing and fun.

[883] And, you know, I just loved him, loved him, loved him.

[884] And I hated the Super Inferno because he was like Russian or something, you know, and, you know, something that it was easy, you know, to hate because we were, all the propaganda we were getting about Russia.

[885] It was like their women are ugly.

[886] I'm like, no, they're not.

[887] You know, it took me a while.

[888] It was also like Pittsburgh.

[889] Because we talked so bad about my relatives about Pittsburgh because they hated the Steelers.

[890] And I just had this image of Pittsburgh of this dark, cloudy people bent over gray in the face.

[891] And the first time I drove into Pittsburgh, I was like, this place is gorgeous.

[892] Look at this place.

[893] It's a blast.

[894] It's a hoot.

[895] Great place to perform.

[896] Oh, yeah.

[897] Yeah, yeah, it's always, you know, it's always been a big, a big stop for me. I mean, once I got out of the club.

[898] Yeah, Pittsburgh's great.

[899] Cleveland's another one that's very underrated.

[900] Yeah, Cleveland's fucking great.

[901] I always had a blast playing that improv down in the flats, man, and that, that titty bar right there in the parking lot.

[902] It was like, man, this is one -stop shopping for Ron White.

[903] How many dates are you doing a year these days?

[904] 110 cities last year.

[905] Woo!

[906] And then, uh...

[907] Wow.

[908] And then I try to do sets when I'm in town and I should do more.

[909] How nice is it to have a store, though?

[910] You know, it's great.

[911] I went to the memorial and Brodies.

[912] Yeah.

[913] And, you know, I'd like to just tell your listeners that you never know when it's going to be the last time you see somebody.

[914] So don't ever, ever hesitate to say, I'm going to need that money.

[915] but you're going to right you can't do it later you know you can't get it from their mother at the funeral you know you can't do that so very good point yeah so don't forget that every time i saw brodie i gave him a hug that's one thing that brodie and i always had with always always every single time i saw brodie guy gave him a big hug like he was a big huger yeah you know i only knew him as a brother you know You know, I feel important, I feel like it's important to me to be a part of the comedy community, you know, participate in it.

[916] If you're out there and you're a comedian and you want to be a comedian, you can be a comedian, but you've got to go be a comedian.

[917] Yeah.

[918] And you got to do it every day, you know, every, you know, for the most part.

[919] And I know you're the same way.

[920] I mean, I know that you'd never pass up an opportunity to get behind a microphone, whether it's eight or ten million people to live.

[921] listen to this or 65 people and whatever.

[922] It doesn't matter.

[923] It doesn't matter to me. You got to do it all the time.

[924] It's the only way to do it.

[925] If you don't do it all the time, you lose the touch with the reality of it.

[926] And also, it's pace, rhythm, and how comfortable you are in any situation.

[927] This situation is just me and you talking.

[928] Or 26 people.

[929] I play The Laughing Skull in Atlanta, the 65 people sold out.

[930] It's one of the hottest rooms I've ever had my hands on.

[931] I love that joint.

[932] Oh, isn't that cool as shit?

[933] I did that place.

[934] I did that place a couple years ago.

[935] Yeah, that was my hang when I lived out there.

[936] What a great place to practice.

[937] Yeah, oh, it was.

[938] It was great.

[939] It's a great staff, too.

[940] It's like they're like comedy fans.

[941] Right.

[942] The vortex was a really cool bar next to the other.

[943] Yeah, they have great burgers, right?

[944] Yeah, they sell a lot of number Juan tequila is what they do.

[945] Nice.

[946] Yeah, that's a great little spot.

[947] If you could have a, that's what every city needs, right?

[948] They need a great little comedy community, you know, where you got up -and -comers that are really working on it, people that really appreciate good material.

[949] Well, there was a really good comedy scene in Atlanta, and like a couple of guys that won last comic standing came out of Atlanta.

[950] That's great.

[951] I'm so bad with names.

[952] Yeah, it's only like, but if you stopped and think, how many real comedy communities are there in the country?

[953] I don't even think there's 10.

[954] You think there's 10?

[955] Well, you know, St. Louis has always had one.

[956] Chicago's always had one.

[957] Chicago's always had a good one.

[958] Denver's always had one.

[959] and, of course, L .A., New York, Houston, because I had one for a long time.

[960] Hicks and Greenlee and Pineapple.

[961] Did you know Pineapple?

[962] I worked with Pineapple once.

[963] You know what he used to do?

[964] He would drive all the way across Houston to ignore me. That's what he did it.

[965] He did it all the time, too.

[966] And he had no reason to be there.

[967] And I know that some of those guys didn't like me because I don't know why.

[968] I don't know why.

[969] but they were really, really clickish.

[970] And I went in there one night and had a horrible set.

[971] And I was following Hicks.

[972] And, you know, and I had a really green show.

[973] But in the right circumstance, you know, in a comedy club, with nothing great happening before you, it kind of worked a little bit.

[974] But that night, it didn't work at all.

[975] And I was probably getting a little more work than those guys were, some of them.

[976] And they were like, oh, he's so.

[977] sucks.

[978] Well, the fact of the matter is, I did suck.

[979] Because my act would, you know, you don't want to follow Hicks.

[980] I say that to make the story better.

[981] I wasn't following Hicks.

[982] But he was, you know, or Kinnison, but they were both there.

[983] Oh, okay.

[984] And had done set, but everybody was good.

[985] I mean, Greenlee was good.

[986] All these guys were seasoned pros.

[987] That was a hot lineup.

[988] And, but I never felt, you know, like they, like any of them liked me, except for Hicks.

[989] And I came to see him, you know, do shows.

[990] And I asked him to do the story about just John Davidson and the mask.

[991] And he goes, he has what he says.

[992] He goes, don't stand next to the exits, just a tip.

[993] Because people just walk out of the show.

[994] I watched him do that.

[995] He did that at the Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston.

[996] And he cleared the fucking room, man. And it was crazy because at the end of the show, there was me and Greg Fitzsimmons and maybe three or four other comics and five or six people in the crowd.

[997] There was like maybe 20 people left all told laughing our fucking asses.

[998] Everybody else is getting up angry.

[999] I saw it go both ways.

[1000] You know, I've seen him beat crowds to death.

[1001] I saw a set one night at the laugh stop in Austin.

[1002] And nobody in the room could breathe.

[1003] And he was in the mood to do it.

[1004] And, you know, and, you know, and I think sometimes he wasn't, sometimes he wasn't or whatever, but he was in the mood and decided to just fucking stab us all in the face and it was just, it was beautiful.

[1005] He was exceptional, you know, whether or not people think he was one of the greats, like, that's entirely subjectional, right?

[1006] It's subjective, rather.

[1007] It's completely up to your own interpretation, but to me, he changed comedy in a lot of ways because he made people talk about things that were important because everybody else was talking about nonsense.

[1008] You're talking about airline food and how come I can't lean my seat back and standard normal shit.

[1009] I'm falling and I can't get up.

[1010] Exactly right.

[1011] And he was coming along talking about positive drug stories, you know, a man on acid, realize it all matters, energy condensed to a slow rhythmic vibration.

[1012] And like, that whole fucking bit was amazing.

[1013] Here's Tom with the weather.

[1014] That was amazing.

[1015] Yeah.

[1016] No, no. It was, and he was influential.

[1017] I mean, I think, I can say this about Bill Hicks, and I am an expert at stand -up comedy.

[1018] I would have a triple doctorate.

[1019] And if you gave those kinds of things for the work, the amount of time I've put into it.

[1020] 100%.

[1021] And you, as a peer, would have the exact same thing.

[1022] So, for me to listen to someone's opinion about stand -up comedy, they have to have a lot of cred to me before I really give a shit what they think, okay?

[1023] So here's what you should think.

[1024] The only thing that every comic from my generation agrees on is he was better than us.

[1025] And that's the only thing that they agree on.

[1026] And I can't find anybody that has a big argument.

[1027] that he wasn't now was he the the best that ever lived no but did he influence me more than anybody else and you probably more than anybody else because you're certainly that way also you know right somebody built that bridge yes and you and now you feel free to talk about anything you know none of your act has ever hack you know there were a lot of hacks but i think pigs freed people not to be a hack you know yeah he uh he cured people of that he made it shameful you know you're talking about hack but there was also and then you cured them of stealing material so I don't know if I did I think it's still going on I guarantee you it's it there's a chain reaction to it just like craft getting caught getting a blow job that shut down business all over to the continental United States nobody walked into a spa without wondering whether or not it was a sting operation and your name was going to be blown out on them isn't that crazy but here's the thing they miss they get this guy there's a video this guy doing a massage, so they've got video of it, right?

[1028] And at the end, the girl jerks him off.

[1029] What if she didn't jerk him off?

[1030] What if she just gave him a massage?

[1031] What kind of a fucked -up invasion of his privacy if he just went in there to get a massage?

[1032] Right.

[1033] Or was everybody just getting jacked off?

[1034] I would imagine.

[1035] What he said?

[1036] He offered him a plea deal to drop the charges, so I don't know what happened, really.

[1037] He ratted everybody out.

[1038] He's like, I need to stay above ground, kids.

[1039] Well, I got to judge.

[1040] You know, I was so lonesome, you know, I took some comfort there, you know, in my lifetime, as if Paul Simon once wrote.

[1041] And, okay, I'm not, I'm, you know what, I'm not going to say it, because it's just not worth it.

[1042] Yeah, I hear it's not worth it.

[1043] It's not.

[1044] It's not.

[1045] But everybody seems to be perfectly aware that they could be washing your feet.

[1046] Yeah.

[1047] And, you know.

[1048] And that's fine.

[1049] Yeah.

[1050] Why is it that a guy like that would go to a place like that?

[1051] like he's so rich you think he has a guy if you don't have a guy you should get a guy look no further a cleaner look no further than uh and and this is every everybody's going to realize how fading my memory is now but uh uh the english actor that got caught with the uh yes Elizabeth Hurley's husband Hugh Grant that's Hugh Grant right yeah look at Hugh Grant married to the hottest woman on the planet at the time right Ruth endlessly hot.

[1052] Oh, yeah, amazingly hot.

[1053] He wasn't married to her either, right?

[1054] Oh, there was a boyfriend girlfriend.

[1055] Yeah, boyfriend, girlfriend.

[1056] And even I couldn't understand that, right?

[1057] I mean, because I've, you know, I've been with a couple of hot chicks before in my life, but this was.

[1058] He wanted it freaky.

[1059] Yeah, he, and I, you know, I get that, and it comes back to that appetite thing that guys have, you know, I've gotten a hand job.

[1060] from somebody, and I admit this, and it was the best sex I've ever had in my life, because it was somebody that was, number one, it was a great massage and this tantric thing going on.

[1061] And, you know, but it was fantastic and pricey, and, and it's free most anywhere, and that's in Vegas, as legal as it can be.

[1062] You know, they have milking tables and have a hole your dick hangs through, and And they do.

[1063] A milking table.

[1064] Look it up.

[1065] Is that better for the guy if he lies in his stomach?

[1066] Well, you don't have, you got somewhere to put that, you got to somewhere to put the heart on, you know?

[1067] I felt like he's laid on your back, no?

[1068] But it makes more sense hygienically to have like a hole in the bottom of the table.

[1069] It'll be on the screen, I'm sure, soon.

[1070] That is ridiculous.

[1071] Listen, listen, and I'm not, all I'm saying is that in, like in Cannes, like in Can, You know, or the most of the rest of the world.

[1072] Right.

[1073] It's getting a tug is really not considered a crime of any kind whatsoever and is harmless and who gives a shit.

[1074] Well, why is it okay to massage your feet?

[1075] But it's not okay to massage your dick.

[1076] You know what?

[1077] I would rather massage my dick than my own feet.

[1078] I would.

[1079] And I prove it on a regular basis.

[1080] Yeah.

[1081] Regular basis.

[1082] I think the problem really is sex trafficking.

[1083] thing that's the problem and that is a horrible you know that's the worst thing exactly that I can imagine but it but it but again I'm not gonna I'm not gonna because it's the most horrific thing you can imagine it's the most horrific thing you can imagine it's taking someone's baby I just finished watching that series about taking Madeline and I'm and so I'm like I just can't even that that that I would you know I would support anything, any way, shape, or form to have it stomped out, spend billions of dollars, put boots on the ground, you know, stop it if you can in any way you can.

[1084] Women who are trying to be legitimate sex workers, whether or not you think that's a thing, they, you know, in their eyes.

[1085] It doesn't matter what I think.

[1086] It is a thing.

[1087] You know, go down to, I just went to Amsterdam before I took my mother to Barcelona because I wanted a little three -day stopover before I spent eight days with mom and Barcelona.

[1088] and and there's signs don't take pictures of our sex workers that our sex workers yeah not sex were our sex workers right and uh I mean they they they totally own it and go hey this is not a bad deal you know that uh you know you're you're qualified to do make french fries or it turns out you're super hot and and you in our country you can have this job or in Or in this country, you can have this job, just not everywhere.

[1089] Yeah, there's only a couple spots in this country, right?

[1090] It's like part of Nevada.

[1091] Yeah, Nevada.

[1092] I think that, I don't even know.

[1093] I think it's just Nevada.

[1094] I think that's it, but it's to me. Here's something I realize.

[1095] This is important, okay?

[1096] I play Vegas a lot, right?

[1097] I'm 10 weekends a year at the Mirage.

[1098] And marijuana is legal, recreationally now, and they have the biggest dispensary in the world, which is like a universal made it or something.

[1099] You know, I went in there.

[1100] It was fantastic.

[1101] And prostitution is legal.

[1102] You can get a drink of liquor 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

[1103] And I realized that I'm a law -abiding citizen.

[1104] Here, when I'm standing on this part of the United States ground, I don't break any laws at all.

[1105] I can be free.

[1106] That's why I feel so good when I go to Vegas.

[1107] That's why people go, do you like Vegas?

[1108] Do you get tired of it?

[1109] I'm no. No, you know why?

[1110] Because I can breathe deep, motherfucker.

[1111] That's why I can be who I am.

[1112] I can do it openly.

[1113] I can, you know, and so can everybody else.

[1114] And you get a crowd there.

[1115] And that's why, oh, yeah, I've sold out 150 ,000 shows in a way.

[1116] Same with that one I was there when I saw you.

[1117] You know, the, you realize it's the law that causes the, paranoia, you know, because when you're in Amsterdam in one of those coffee shops, smoking a joint, drinking a badass cup of coffee, it's fun and free, you know, freeing, and it's the way it should be.

[1118] You know, the fact of the matter is, the same thing happens to me in Florida with just a little bit, I'm handcuffed, taken to jail and moved from city jail to county jail.

[1119] and processed and fingerprinted and photographed.

[1120] They printed my address on the internet.

[1121] So people, anybody in the world could just walk straight over to the house.

[1122] I don't think anybody did because nobody gives a shit.

[1123] Except for a few people did write, Ron White has a jet?

[1124] That's the part I don't believe.

[1125] But anyway.

[1126] Yeah, man, the law is the real problem.

[1127] When you make alcohol illegal, you made organized crime big.

[1128] That's what happened.

[1129] They learned that from Prohibition.

[1130] They should be learning that from all the drug problems we have in this country.

[1131] I guarantee you marijuana will be selling for the price of corn in 20 years because it takes the same amount of effort to grow it, right?

[1132] No, it's easier.

[1133] It's probably easier.

[1134] You probably need less pesticides.

[1135] Right.

[1136] You know, there's a gigantic problem south of our border folks with drugs, and it's because of us.

[1137] It's 100 % because of us.

[1138] I mean, not us like you and me. I don't do any drugs they sell.

[1139] The pot that I get, I get from people that grow it in California.

[1140] But there's a lot of people that buy Coke.

[1141] And if you buy Coke or meth, you're probably buying it from someone down there.

[1142] And, you know, there's a goddamn thriving industry that would go away if we made things legal.

[1143] If we gave people.

[1144] Like you, Ron White.

[1145] Yeah.

[1146] You're telling me you shouldn't be able to go buy Coke?

[1147] Who the fuck are they to tell you you can't buy Coke?

[1148] First of all, you sell tequila.

[1149] You kill yourself with tequila.

[1150] And you can get way more fucked up on my tequila.

[1151] Yeah.

[1152] Or no, as fucked up.

[1153] As fucked up as heroin, as fucked up as anything else.

[1154] Probably easier to kill yourself.

[1155] You know, on my own amazingly great tequila, I have found myself puking because I'm an idiot and got just too carried away and, you know.

[1156] It's probably easy to kill yourself with tequila than it is with Coke.

[1157] You probably have to do a lot of Coke to die.

[1158] Right.

[1159] It's probably hard to do that coke at the end.

[1160] When your fucking nose is bleeding and your heart's pounding out of your chest, you've got to take another bump to push yourself over the edge.

[1161] It's probably hard.

[1162] In a scarface.

[1163] Oh, yeah.

[1164] Oh, yeah.

[1165] Right.

[1166] He lived.

[1167] No, he didn't have cocaine.

[1168] They shot him up 55.

[1169] Yeah.

[1170] They didn't die of cocaine.

[1171] Show that footage.

[1172] No. Joey Diaz is alive and well.

[1173] He tried.

[1174] You got to do a lot of Coke to kill you.

[1175] Especially, well, Joey Diaz, that motherfucker can eat rat poison.

[1176] He could eat rat poison and go do a show.

[1177] Right.

[1178] he'd be mocked death fuck you cock sucker I went to see him in Austin he was playing in Austin Cap City yeah yeah I went out and watched him just blister a crowd I mean he just blistered him he's my goat it was so much fun to watch he's a I got to see him do short sets all the time but I got to watch him do you know 50 I think he did probably on 50 minutes or something like that and it was great and we had a blast try replicating that in this fucking sanitized world where there's pure L everywhere you turn.

[1179] The thing is, you know, if you're true and there's something that I believe, that if it's a comic or whatever, if you're true to your nature, then enough people will be attracted to that that you don't, that the only mistake you can make is to not be true to your nature.

[1180] Yeah.

[1181] Right?

[1182] And if you look at all the great, or really successful comics, In the history of comedy, they were true to who they were.

[1183] I mean, you know, Cosby, but, you know.

[1184] Yeah, he tricked everybody.

[1185] Yeah, he pulled one over on us.

[1186] Can you imagine if he was honest?

[1187] What I like to do.

[1188] Yeah.

[1189] He's drug women.

[1190] And fuck him, my damn, conscious.

[1191] So I never really did that bit on stage.

[1192] Yeah, I never really did that bit on stage very much.

[1193] Can I do it on your show?

[1194] Oh, fuck yeah.

[1195] The, uh, let me think about it because I, okay.

[1196] How's it go?

[1197] How's it go?

[1198] He goes, Bill Cosby, in Bill, in Bill's defense, uh, he explained to us years ago how much he hates cursing and no one curses more than a wide awake woman who's being raped.

[1199] So it's a terrible joke.

[1200] It's a joke.

[1201] I know, but it made me cry laughing because it's so fucked up.

[1202] I mean, look, it's both true and fucked up, right?

[1203] It is true.

[1204] Oh, yeah, it is.

[1205] Yeah, it's not an endorsing rape.

[1206] That's why I never really found a spot the opening lineup that's an hour and 20 minutes long.

[1207] You could have opened with that motherfucker, sir.

[1208] I know, I know, I do.

[1209] You know what?

[1210] It was always just a mixed review.

[1211] It made people think.

[1212] Yes.

[1213] You know, it was like baby duck pussy lip tacos, you know.

[1214] You either liked it or you didn't like it, but you listened to the next bit.

[1215] Well, you made sense.

[1216] though, it does make sense.

[1217] I mean, it really does.

[1218] It's a joke.

[1219] It's just a funny thing to say.

[1220] I think we all should have known, like, with his trying to control other people, he was always trying to control young black comics and stop them from swearing.

[1221] Right, right.

[1222] There was a real Eddie Murphy thing that he said to prior, or was it, yeah.

[1223] The people laughed.

[1224] And he called Pryor, yeah.

[1225] Shut up and he'd take a Coke and shut the fuck up.

[1226] Did you get paid?

[1227] Yeah.

[1228] Well, tell Bill to have a Coke and a smock.

[1229] and shut the fuck up.

[1230] Oh, that's it.

[1231] Dude, there's a guy that I'd like to get back in the comedy.

[1232] Eddie Murphy.

[1233] All right.

[1234] Eddie, if you're out there, get back in the comedy.

[1235] I left so hard at Raw.

[1236] You know, Raw was so good.

[1237] Delirious.

[1238] Delirious is one of the best comedy specials of all time.

[1239] I think so, too.

[1240] Of all time.

[1241] And he did this thing recently.

[1242] But he also himself.

[1243] Bill Cosby himself was very good.

[1244] You know, a lot of comics learned a lot about stand -up comedy.

[1245] watching bill cosby himself oh yeah he knew how to hold a moment oh yeah oh it was a beautiful he worked slow you know that thing was framed like this yeah the whole show was just his face and no cut away to fucking people laughing in the audience or cheesy shots from up here where you can't see who it is it was just framed in right just on his face and yeah and and and it was it was gorgeous work just gorgeous work i've thought about this many times Do you think that those people from back in that era, from back in, like, the 60s and the 50s, that they used to drug each other and they didn't think it was as big a deal, like that men would do that, which we would consider today to be horrific.

[1246] You know, the idea that you would take someone's daughter and drug her and fuck is horrific.

[1247] Oh, yeah.

[1248] We want violent repercussions for that.

[1249] Yeah, that's how I feel violent.

[1250] I want to smash.

[1251] But do you think that maybe back then they were ignorant, that they didn't know anybody?

[1252] better like you always hear about people slipping people of mickey did they think it was cute were they actually do like how many men were doing that back then do you know what i find myself to be so conservatively that i really can't think outside in that box you know i just watched that documentary about them taking that girl they don't know what happened to her two which is three or though but they were but it talked a lot about recovery and all and just how sick a fucking world is out there and i can't even think about it.

[1253] I mean, this one detective had to look through these dark websites and I'm like, and look at these images.

[1254] You can't unlook at those images.

[1255] No, you can't.

[1256] You know, it's just a sickening thing.

[1257] You know, Ron, they're having a hard time with that with people that work for social media sites.

[1258] When they have to take down videos like on Facebook and things like that, like a lot of them, like they're taking down these horrific videos, like horrible all day long.

[1259] These people are just finding the things that are like horrible accidents, horrible, assassinations, ISIS videos, and they're just taking him down.

[1260] Right.

[1261] You know, I was on Jim Norton's show one time.

[1262] He showed me a video of a guy fucking a snake.

[1263] And I'm like, dude, I don't want to see any of the shit.

[1264] Was it Jim?

[1265] Was he fucking his name?

[1266] Jim, no, it wasn't Jim.

[1267] And he's very, very funny.

[1268] And I love to, whatever I do with Jim is fun.

[1269] But he looks at anything on the, you know, people cutting heads off and all that stuff.

[1270] But he just said, well, look at this.

[1271] And I'm like, the guy is, you know, it's.

[1272] It's snake pussy.

[1273] He found a snake pussy and stuck his...

[1274] Well, you ever see a snake egg?

[1275] It's, you know, regular -sized cock.

[1276] So, you know, it's a fucking hole.

[1277] Yeah.

[1278] It's find a hole that dudes haven't fucked.

[1279] I'll find you a hole that can't be fucked.

[1280] Find the fetish.

[1281] I love Jim Norton for the same reason why I love you.

[1282] He's just himself.

[1283] Like, he's not pretending to be anybody.

[1284] He's not pretending to be somebody.

[1285] They won't watch a man. Fuck a snake.

[1286] He's, he'll watch men fuck men.

[1287] he loves everything he likes he likes transgender women he gets off on it gets he gets and he's open about it talks about all the time to the point where when he was on opie and anthony when they were in their prime it was like one of their major themes was that uh norton is into uh transgender women what's that called i don't know it's called being jim norton right he's happened i mean there's got to be a name right for yeah there's probably some name some there's probably like slang term for it and then there's probably some sort of uh you know i would think if anybody knew what that was it would be you that yeah i've never heard jamie you think there's a word for dudes who are only into transgender women i bet there is if there isn't we could probably make one now you're talking about for sure there's got to be one i go okay a man that's now a woman right right right not a woman that's now a man well this should be two right there's peggers which is a man who's now a woman but still has a dick and she can peg you.

[1288] Yeah, right.

[1289] She's your girlfriend and she can fuck your ass.

[1290] I had sex with a woman that was a, she played for the WMBA.

[1291] Whoa.

[1292] She said 6 .3, but I know she was a full head taller than me. And she was so tall as she could stick a finger in my ass.

[1293] Her arms were so long that she could read.

[1294] Reach around while I was, and stick a finger in my ass.

[1295] And I'm like, let's just go to the church, you know, and get married now.

[1296] Let's get this over with.

[1297] Make some gladiator children.

[1298] That's right.

[1299] Big, funny.

[1300] Dude, come on.

[1301] In my search here, I haven't found that term, but I've ever heard a lesbian man. A lesbian man. What does that mean?

[1302] Okay.

[1303] I'll take a stab at it.

[1304] Okay, help me. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a man. who turns himself into a woman, but he still likes women.

[1305] Yeah, but he can keep his penis, I think.

[1306] I think that's what's going on.

[1307] Does he keep his penis?

[1308] Yeah, some of them identify.

[1309] He just likes to be pegged by women.

[1310] Oh.

[1311] And he's not into guys.

[1312] I've never heard that.

[1313] I just, I'm looking at a word of a dictionary.

[1314] So what are they calling him?

[1315] A lesbian man. Right.

[1316] So he only likes getting fucked.

[1317] You know what I want to be a bisexual.

[1318] That just opens the field up all the way.

[1319] That shuts it down.

[1320] You're right.

[1321] And who's going to?

[1322] That's like an IQ?

[1323] Big as that pond to fish from?

[1324] Not very big.

[1325] Not very big.

[1326] A lesbian man. Imagine if like that's all you, you'll put the bat signal out.

[1327] I'm a lesbian man. I'm just looking for gals to peg me. I bet there's a lot of them that would want to fuck you just for revenge.

[1328] How much of that is women that, why is it that pretty women don't seem to have any problem with men?

[1329] Like a lot of them are like pretty easy going about men.

[1330] But if you have bad genetics, like if you got dealt a wrong end, the, you know.

[1331] stick that's that is if there's like people talk about income inequality in this country and that's definitely a real thing but if there's a real thing it's like who do people want to fuck inequality in this country right that's off the goddamn charts right i mean it's just as men and as women we just have to we have to understand some people they have a unearned tyranny on sexual affection it's unearned they didn't have to do anything like these russian women of the people who are lying to you about right yeah you meet them and you go jesus it's just russian gladiator genetics and perfect like model form and you're like holy shit let me get the fuck out of this room quick i was on a cruise one time i was married and um and i had rented the like the back quarter the i've rented the same spot Oprah stays in and it cost a fortune and i'm Matt, we're out on the deck, and there was two big suites in the middle and another one just like mine at the end.

[1332] But the one that was in this one, which was also a real expensive room, was this Russian dude, and he was short, kind of chunky and bald.

[1333] But the girl that was with him was just a 12, and I knew his second I saw her, I was fucked, because there's no way.

[1334] My wife was not going to catch me just at least taking one little glimpse out of the corner of my eye.

[1335] And then she was going, oh, that's what you want.

[1336] You'd rather fuck her than me. And I'm like, no, no, no, absolutely not.

[1337] Absolutely not.

[1338] Why would I?

[1339] Why would I?

[1340] That's outrageous.

[1341] What an outrageous assertion.

[1342] What an accusation.

[1343] Yeah.

[1344] If they only knew how vulnerable we are to a woman like that, it's like that woman can, there's a lot of people that that woman can, like, run their life and they'll meet a guy who's an accountant who's never fucked a 12 and they'll start talking to him and basically anything they want to do as long as they're willing to actually touch him right as long as they're willing to stick their fucking beautiful tongue in that guy's mouth he's helpless and suck on his lips and grind that pussy against his dick and grab his ass Cheats and put your finger on the base of his taint and rub it while you stick your tongue down his throat and his dick as hard as a rock.

[1345] These things have never happened to this man. There goes the neighborhood.

[1346] Don, down, down, down.

[1347] Just back the car up to the house, throw the keys in the fucking yard, tell the kids.

[1348] Yeah, that's that iced tea song.

[1349] I really hoped it wouldn't turn out this way.

[1350] There goes to neighborhood.

[1351] Ice tea and body count.

[1352] Fuck.

[1353] Yeah, there's certain women that just.

[1354] They could just run you.

[1355] Oh, Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.

[1356] I get it.

[1357] Yeah, I get it.

[1358] I married one of them.

[1359] Got to be careful.

[1360] They just get you.

[1361] If you're not, if you're not, if you're not, here's the thing.

[1362] Yeah.

[1363] How much of that, like, for dudes who you, there's certain cases where you know it's not going to work.

[1364] Like, God damn it.

[1365] This dude, he's like a small sheep.

[1366] and he married a wolf.

[1367] It's just a matter of time before she fleeces him and gets the fuck out of Dodge and hopefully he'll still be alive but this is not going to work out.

[1368] We've all seen that before.

[1369] We've all seen that.

[1370] I wish I could tell you this story.

[1371] I wish you could too.

[1372] Let's shut this fucking podcast off and resume in 10 minutes.

[1373] Okay, all right.

[1374] Let me tell you this story because I just don't want to say it because it's intertwined with something.

[1375] Right, right, right.

[1376] But it's very, very pertinent to what he just said.

[1377] Is there any legal ramifications?

[1378] Can anybody go to jail?

[1379] No. Can anybody get sued?

[1380] No. No, I don't think so.

[1381] And it's the truth.

[1382] Okay, so I'll just create a fictional scenario.

[1383] Let's call the gentleman.

[1384] What do you want to call him?

[1385] Let's call him Todd Blaker.

[1386] Todd Blaker.

[1387] Okay, no, I can't even do it this way.

[1388] No, because I'll get chastised.

[1389] I think people would find out.

[1390] Slow down.

[1391] Let's be careful.

[1392] So I'm drunk, and I know you get me drunk on your show.

[1393] Oh, it's my fault.

[1394] Those fucking people on Reddit, they had their fingers above the keys.

[1395] They were hovering.

[1396] They were ready to start searching.

[1397] No, no, no. There is no such thing as a guy named that.

[1398] And I will not tell the story on this.

[1399] There's no need.

[1400] But anyway, what was amazing was I saw it happening in front of me. You know, his wife was, and they'd been married for a long time, I mean, he didn't look like much at all.

[1401] And there was kind of an assistant that was ridiculously gorgeous.

[1402] And so I just looked at that and I was like, you know where this is going.

[1403] Yeah, and it went exactly.

[1404] Yeah, I've seen that before.

[1405] Where I thought it was going and there was nothing he can do.

[1406] I mean, it was absolutely, he was completely powerly over this person.

[1407] You know, there was nothing he could do.

[1408] He would give everything.

[1409] Oh, yeah, like Gary Oldman and Dracula.

[1410] Remember that?

[1411] We were like, Winona Ryder was just hypnotized by him.

[1412] Yeah.

[1413] She was just opening a shirt in the middle of the night, and Gary Oldman would be slithering into the fucking windows as mist.

[1414] Right.

[1415] Or body heat with.

[1416] That's what it's like.

[1417] Oh, yeah, with Kathleen Turner.

[1418] Oh, yeah.

[1419] It throws the fucking chair through the window.

[1420] Oh, throw the right, that put ice in the, the fucking bat tub.

[1421] Yeah, he didn't even want to use the door to fuck her.

[1422] People forgot how goddamn hot.

[1423] Oh, that was great.

[1424] Hot was Kathleen Turner back in the desert.

[1425] who people don't know.

[1426] As hot as it gets.

[1427] As hot as it gets.

[1428] She was so sexy.

[1429] I mean, she developed some health problems as she got older, but when she was young, holy, holy shit.

[1430] Yeah.

[1431] It was amazing.

[1432] Kathleen.

[1433] Yeah.

[1434] If you ever feel like rubbing one off thinking about me, I owe you a few.

[1435] So go ahead and do it.

[1436] Nice, nice reciprocation Yeah, it's hard When you're watching a guy get preyed upon When you're watching like a man's struggle With the fucking spider's web And you're like, well Hey man, you know It'll be fun when she does fuck you Right, yeah Yeah, right So as long as you can stay active Can't get close to her Don't let it get too much money Be careful Yep I know because You know, the wife had been around For a long time I mean, it was a contract.

[1437] Right.

[1438] So there goes that part of it.

[1439] But I think the paperwork was fairly solid.

[1440] And towards the end of like a limit or whatever.

[1441] Okay, now everybody's going to.

[1442] No, it is.

[1443] Let's keep moving.

[1444] All right.

[1445] I knew a guy who was about to marry a gal and shouldn't.

[1446] And he was trying to do no prenuptial.

[1447] And my friends were screaming at him.

[1448] Like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[1449] And he's like, look, man, I don't, if it.

[1450] If it doesn't work out, I'd like her to have half.

[1451] And they went, what?

[1452] It's almost like, you know, like you wish you had garlic to put around his neck.

[1453] Right now, you're telling Noah about the flood.

[1454] So really?

[1455] They had two animals and they both throw them on.

[1456] You're ugly.

[1457] She's not.

[1458] Okay?

[1459] Understand this world is not fair.

[1460] The reality of not fair is you made enough money to attract her, but she's got a web.

[1461] And you might get hooked.

[1462] You might get injected, or you might be able to figure out a way to keep her nervous.

[1463] Right.

[1464] How you do that, Joe?

[1465] You've got to act mysterious, bro.

[1466] I'm serious.

[1467] You've got to have, like, a book.

[1468] Is that how you did it?

[1469] Yeah, special books that you read, you've got to be moody, got to go on early morning runs while they're still asleep.

[1470] You got to show powers that they don't possess.

[1471] I'm not doing any of these things.

[1472] You've got to show powers they don't possess.

[1473] I haven't done one of these things, Joe.

[1474] You have to be different.

[1475] You have to be able to quote Shakespeare.

[1476] Yeah, you got to be, you know, you've got to be willing to give up a lot of money.

[1477] If you're an ugly dude and you got a hot wife, you got a certain amount of time before she gets bored with you, which wants to fuck her trainer.

[1478] Right?

[1479] Her trainer, you're right.

[1480] What I think is going to happen is within the next few years.

[1481] I've seen that exact same thing.

[1482] Oh, I've seen that happen.

[1483] Yeah.

[1484] I've been friends with a lot of people where that's happened.

[1485] What I think is going to happen within the next 50 years is they're going to be able to eliminate the idea of unattractive people.

[1486] legitimately through DNA I think they're going to be able to do that They're not going to know the world that we knew When we were kids No internet No fake tits Sometimes people were just unattractive No one knew anything about diet Nobody worked out Nobody worked out When I was in high school Nobody fucking worked Dudes would like bench press and shit You know like how many women lifted weights When we were in high school The cheerleaders were in good shape Yeah for a little while Yeah for a little while And they got fat Nobody Nobody kept going Did Rocky really start, like, the big movement?

[1487] Started my movement.

[1488] That's what I've read about it, but I don't know how true it is because I was way too young.

[1489] Dude, when Rocky came out, I think I was seven.

[1490] And I drank raw eggs and ran around the block.

[1491] And I told Sylvester Stallone that.

[1492] I don't doubt that one single bit.

[1493] I was like, holy shit, I want to be a fighter.

[1494] I started drinking eggs and running.

[1495] I never ran.

[1496] I was seven years old.

[1497] Fuck am I doing running.

[1498] Maybe I was eight.

[1499] It had no such effect on me. I was like, we're running!

[1500] I'm fucking running!

[1501] It was amazing.

[1502] Maybe I was eight.

[1503] I don't even know how old I was.

[1504] But I remember it when it came out.

[1505] I had never been more inspired for something in my life.

[1506] That movie changed the world.

[1507] People don't even understand how good it was.

[1508] He lives on my street, by the way.

[1509] Does he really?

[1510] Yeah, he does.

[1511] I saw him one time driving his Range Rover with a big cockatiel on his shoulder.

[1512] I'm like, well, that's kind of cool.

[1513] There he is.

[1514] There he is.

[1515] running around fucking weights at his hand and shit running with Converse All -Stars One of the reasons why I wear it up to this day They might not be All -Stars They might be Keds They might be like some cheap Walmart version Who knows But this is some fucking Epic shit in the 1970s What year was this movie?

[1516] Let's take a guess What year do you think it was?

[1517] I want to say it was like 79 Yeah 76 76 The Spirit of 76 Was the rematch No it was 70s because that was when Apollo Creed, 76, yeah.

[1518] I had a middle act that was doing one -nighters across, I believe it was Alabama.

[1519] And he drove a 1970, he drove the bicentennial Vega, right?

[1520] So it was a Vega, the 76 Vega had 76, you know, some things that would, you know, celebrate the sesquicentennial or whatever it was.

[1521] um that was like probably 200 years i guess i don't know i don't know a long time i was nine years old when this movie came out so that's exactly how old i was i got to tell his techniques not that good he needs to tighten up on his swing like the way he's throwing punches like that would have been 76 he needed a coach he needed a coach well he got one in carl weathers this was uh in rocky two right rocky two carl weathers became his put was it Rocky three three right because that was when he fought mr t that's right right yeah for he's dead hey woman hey woman since that man ain't got no heart i bet you stay up every night wishing you had a real man bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight and i show you a real man he probably would too i couldn't believe he was saying that to rocky right right it was like if he was saying it to wahoo macdainiels you know yeah man oh i didn't even finish that story Oh, yeah.

[1522] What happened?

[1523] So here's what happened.

[1524] My first encounter with the police.

[1525] I found out that the bad guys were coming out of one side, one dressing room, and the good guys were coming out of the other side.

[1526] So I went up to the stands and waited for the Super Inferno to come out.

[1527] And when he came out, I spit on him.

[1528] I just spit on him.

[1529] I just a big old, I hated it.

[1530] Really, I did.

[1531] I've never hated anybody before.

[1532] I'm eight.

[1533] Just spit on him.

[1534] And the cops saw him.

[1535] me do it and they came got me and they took me to my cousin and they're like he spit on the super inferno and like uh he you know he was like oh that's horrible and if he doesn't anything you just keep you and so but afterwards my cousin thought it was hilarious of course he did that's a story I was trying to put him out yeah the super inferno do you think you oh I get it yeah it's funny yeah I don't think I've ever been to see a live professional wrestling match other than Eleanor Kerrigan from the comedy store.

[1536] Well, you know, Tony and those guys, they go to these things and they're like, you gotta go with us.

[1537] I'm like, nah, you know, all right.

[1538] Tony was responsible for 10 minutes of my last special.

[1539] I mean, shitting on him for Lord Professor.

[1540] Right, right, right, it was.

[1541] I remember it.

[1542] I remember it.

[1543] He loves it.

[1544] Yeah, he does that show.

[1545] The four, what is it called?

[1546] For Stormen, I believe.

[1547] Four Storming.

[1548] It's a, they do a wrestling podcast from the comedy store with a bunch of other comics.

[1549] Who are the other guys?

[1550] Find out with their names.

[1551] You'll find out in the line.

[1552] But yeah, he loves that shit.

[1553] Loves it.

[1554] He's always like, dude, you got to watch it with me, you love it.

[1555] I loved it when I was a kid.

[1556] It's the store horseman.

[1557] Oh, store horseman.

[1558] Oh, perfectly.

[1559] And who are the gentlemen that are involved in this venture with him?

[1560] Fun show.

[1561] I did it once.

[1562] Tony Hinchcliffe.

[1563] Johnny Escortis.

[1564] Matt Edgar and Josh Martin There you go There you go Chris Burns There you go Yeah they do it from the basement You've been in that studio downstairs In the basement I did a podcast out of there Fucking great down there man I love the fact that the comedy store Is embraced podcasts You know what The comedy store embraces what's important Always Over any other place So you know what they embrace comedians And they you know Customers really come second to the comics there because there's one parking lot people probably not know this but there's one parking lot holds about 30 cars or something like that or 20 cars or whatever and guess who gets to park there are the comedians that are playing that night they get to pull right up and park by the door and that is so cool to me and not only that there's a bar that if your name is not written on that building you can't go in it without somebody whose name is written on that building and those are the and it's something cool to have your name written on that building and go to that bar that's just for you and uh and i you know they they they have the my number one tequila and and uh i can smoke cigars and not everybody can smoke in there but i get that one little extra deal they don't give it a fuck they'll let you do whatever you want in there so uh yeah yeah and there you know there's a place to smoke pot they built that they built a glass piano for prior to snort cocaine off of us because they understood here's what they understood Joe here's what they understood they understood that comics are insane yeah so come be insane here yeah you know if if you're crazy we get it we don't care come be crazy here you know and and then at the improv you had Bud Freeman go going language language watch your language he fucking say that I heard him say it and the first time I ever came to the comedy store which was probably in 90 or 89.

[1565] I made a sojourn out here to see what happened.

[1566] So I don't know anything.

[1567] I don't know anything.

[1568] I don't have any friends.

[1569] I don't know anything.

[1570] I don't have any friends.

[1571] I don't know anything.

[1572] I stayed in the cheapest hotel room on Sunset Boulevard, which was $50, which was outrageous back then.

[1573] And in the first day I got into a hotel, into an elevator with this huge black transvestite that was all dressed up going to a show, going to a, to a, you know, one of those big drag queen shows.

[1574] And I was like, okay, all right.

[1575] And, but I went to the, to the comedy store first.

[1576] And they, it was a Monday night, and they fucking put me on.

[1577] I told them, I've been doing, you know, stand -up in Texas for, you know, a couple of years.

[1578] And they fucking put me on.

[1579] And I didn't do very well.

[1580] And not necessarily, you know, early in the set, same piano player, you know.

[1581] Nothing changes.

[1582] But I would go to the improv, and buddy'd come over to me and go, and he knew me because he'd seen me to open mic at the improv and be the opening act and the improv in Dallas.

[1583] And he'd come up to me and go, Ron, could you give me a favor?

[1584] I'm like, yeah, bud, what?

[1585] Could you stand over there because you're blocking the way through here for the, I'm like, okay, a little further, a little further, okay, okay.

[1586] So they just wouldn't, you know, I was a new guy, you know, and all I needed was, you know, a break.

[1587] Whether I deserved it or not, they gave it to me. It's a store.

[1588] The store has a heart that way.

[1589] You know, they, you know, you.

[1590] Well, they, the store is, the art form is primary.

[1591] That's everything.

[1592] Yeah, it's everything.

[1593] It's everything.

[1594] You know, it's built around that art form.

[1595] They didn't used to let the agents and the managers in.

[1596] But you couldn't get it.

[1597] You had a buy a ticket.

[1598] If you were a CAA agent, you wanted to come see this guy or that guy, Ron White, he had to buy a ticket.

[1599] That was the only place in town.

[1600] So the agents couldn't just come in and run the place like they did in a lot of places.

[1601] They would come, be in the back of the room, talking.

[1602] I remember I went to a showcase once.

[1603] It was back with William Morris put on this showcase of the comedians they represented, and they did it in a club, like a nightclub on sunset.

[1604] And Nick DePaula was on stage.

[1605] And they asked me to perform.

[1606] I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind.

[1607] I'm like, there's no way I'm going to perform at this.

[1608] I know what this is.

[1609] I'm like, I'm not looking to get hired for anybody.

[1610] I'm already represented.

[1611] I go, I'm going to watch.

[1612] This is going to be a disaster.

[1613] So I go with my manager, and I'm in the top level, and everyone's talking.

[1614] All these fucking agents and agents assistants are drunk.

[1615] They're not even watching.

[1616] For no reason.

[1617] They're not even watching Ron.

[1618] And so I'm watching these guys struggle on stage.

[1619] where John Henson goes up and then Nick DePaulo goes up but Nick was the only one who said anything about it and about everybody fucking talking at the top like these are my fucking agents this is unbelievable he was making fun of it but it was the comedy store would never allow that they would kick everybody out of that room get the fuck out of here right I get out of here and they still to this day don't tolerate that kind of shit they don't breed that kind of thing you can't have Hollywood and comedy and also let me go on record of saying this Joe I'm not saying I don't like the other rooms and I'm not saying I'm not glad they're there and I'm not saying I don't need them as bad as I need the store they're good solid comedy rooms and I think they're trying to make the adjustments because somebody asked me the other day at one of the other clubs why do the comics hang out at the comic store I'm like oh yeah let me tell you well number one you don't sell my tequila and they do and uh and but also they they when i come to your place i got either i got i got a ballet park and pay for it you pay me $25 to do a set they pay me $35 now both of these numbers are low but to some comics they'd rather have that other 10 they notice the 10 bucks you know so need the money for sure in a lot of cases now you have to choose between those two clubs.

[1620] Is it still that way?

[1621] I mean, I know it was.

[1622] No, the store and the improv in particular get along really well.

[1623] We get along really well now.

[1624] And Paige, who does all the booking for the improv, is always at the store.

[1625] And she's good friends with Adam.

[1626] Okay.

[1627] So we're all piling around together.

[1628] That's good.

[1629] Yeah.

[1630] That's why I offered you a spot on the show that I'm doing tonight at the improm if you wanted to do it because I'm there all the time.

[1631] You're doing a show tonight?

[1632] Yeah, I'm doing a show at 8 o 'clock tonight, the improv.

[1633] You got another one Thursday night at the improv?

[1634] Any time.

[1635] one tonight.

[1636] Full of a gang, Ron White.

[1637] I mean, look.

[1638] How drunk am I now?

[1639] And what time is it?

[1640] The perfect time.

[1641] It's 5 o 'clock.

[1642] All right.

[1643] By the time 8 o 'clock rolls around, you'll be simmering.

[1644] You'll be like brazed beef.

[1645] I'm going to need Adderall.

[1646] You'll be falling off the bone.

[1647] That's what I'm going to do.

[1648] Are you putting it into your schedule?

[1649] It's three hours from now.

[1650] Oh, Jay McGraw, your, your boyfriend is.

[1651] I love him.

[1652] I had his daddy on the show.

[1653] I know.

[1654] He's calling me now.

[1655] His daddy was dropping science.

[1656] His dad was dropping science.

[1657] his dad's a fucking genius dr phil yep he's a great guy like people who don't know dr phil he's a fucking great guy you know it it's uh he he sent me a text the other day and he goes i've got this idea you're going to think he's crazy and uh so we we meet at the beverly hills hotel and uh and i play a lot of golf with doc and i know him well and i have for 10 years or whatever.

[1658] Who's Doc?

[1659] Dr. Phil.

[1660] You remember who we're talking about?

[1661] Yeah, but he said Doc.

[1662] I never called him.

[1663] I call him Phil.

[1664] Oh, I call him Doc.

[1665] Jay's dad.

[1666] Jay's dad.

[1667] He can Jay come out and play?

[1668] That's what I say.

[1669] So he goes, all right, here's what we should do.

[1670] We should do a two -man show.

[1671] And I know he's out of production, and I know he's bored.

[1672] And he's also hurt.

[1673] So he's had that motor.

[1674] cycle wreck and you know he's getting new shoulder surgery right so he's like he really can't play golf and i don't know he's just bored and so he so he really and and and and i would do anything dr phil wanted to do you know because i i love spending time with him and uh and he and anything he does is a big success anyway so i would do it but he really he here was his idea okay it's a it's a it's a two -man show on broadway right and he goes and then you know i'm not sure how it starts and i'm like okay it would probably start where the curtain opens and you and i are standing there because it's a two -man show on broadway that's probably how it starts and he goes and then we can do a q and a and a i'm like no we'd have to do something before the q and a doc right because we've done that before and it's hilarious right i just as close as we are i mean that where we're born and are circumstances in life and uh and and and and and he's completely undimensionally fucking beyond me as far as any kind of success that anybody's ever had but it was but we both came from nothing in the same part of the world and so we have this connection that people have a hard time understanding you know they can't believe you and dr phil or literally we tell people we love each other and that's i mean I mean, and to give you a good example that, he took me diving.

[1675] We flew on his Gulfstream to the Cayman Islands, and I didn't even have a certificate or anything.

[1676] But I'd had one, and it was just expired.

[1677] And so we went on this dive, and he watched me like I was four years old the whole time.

[1678] We were underwater.

[1679] And if I got close to something, I shouldn't touch, you know, he's like, so I know he loves me, right?

[1680] I know he loves me, and, and so, but they really didn't have an idea, but I just knew that, I knew that he was, that he was bored and he wanted to have lunch and, and talk about something.

[1681] I'm like, let's talk about it.

[1682] Because I would do anything.

[1683] I would love to figure out something to do with him that makes sense because we, because we come off really fun together in a, in a, in a juxtaposition situation, right?

[1684] and our views, even though we come from a similar background, how different the views are in some ways.

[1685] Now similar they are in some way.

[1686] So it's fun stuff.

[1687] We should do your podcast together.

[1688] I would love it.

[1689] Yeah, he just did it.

[1690] He just did it like two weeks ago, right?

[1691] Yeah, I knew that.

[1692] I knew that.

[1693] I knew that.

[1694] I knew that he told me. No, he's exceptional.

[1695] I love that guy.

[1696] He's a fucking easy -going guy, too.

[1697] Really easy to be around.

[1698] Right.

[1699] You know, like comfortable in his own skin.

[1700] You know, it was a reason why he's so successful It's not like anybody could do that Like look at that Dr. Oz guy That Dr. Oz guy I watch him and I was like I don't know I don't know I don't know doc Well you know He does three Unscripted hours a day All day And he does a podcast now And I did his podcast It's crazy Because also during that lunch He said I also have a podcast And I'm going to start it up And I'm going to start it up And I'm going to I'm going to do a few people before I do you just get used to it.

[1701] And then I'll have you come on.

[1702] I'm like, well, for sure, I'll do that.

[1703] How funny is that?

[1704] He thinks he needs to get used to it.

[1705] All right.

[1706] Yeah, he does unscripted television with a camera in his face all day long.

[1707] Well, it turns out he didn't need to get used to it.

[1708] He was great at it from the very beginning.

[1709] Of course he was.

[1710] Yeah, that's the same exact skill.

[1711] He talks to people.

[1712] He knows how to talk to people.

[1713] He knows how to listen.

[1714] It does.

[1715] Yeah, that's like what is missing.

[1716] Yep.

[1717] And a lot of people when it comes to do that.

[1718] Yeah, I was playing golf one time when I was going to a divorce.

[1719] And people asked me, does he give unsolicited advice?

[1720] And I'm like, he doesn't give solicited advice, even if you ask.

[1721] So I'm playing golf with him, and I'm like, Doc, this divorce is killing me. It's just killing me. And he goes, keep your head still when you putt.

[1722] That's what he said.

[1723] And I'm like, what?

[1724] He goes, keep your head still when you putt.

[1725] you're in a better mood when you put well, but you're moving your head all over the place.

[1726] So why don't we start with keep your head still when you putt, which now is a metaphor for a lot of things to me, is keep your head still when you put.

[1727] You know, do what you do well.

[1728] You know, it's what makes you feel bad or whatever, you know, but in that particular case, those were really simple words, and I know they were right off the cuff, and I've thought about them all the time since.

[1729] Keep your head still when you put.

[1730] That's solid advice.

[1731] Yeah, right.

[1732] Right.

[1733] So it's a little, be more centered.

[1734] Be in the zone.

[1735] I'm not.

[1736] If you were playing pool, it would keep your head down when you shoot.

[1737] Right.

[1738] Keep your head down when you shoot.

[1739] Don't jump up on the shot.

[1740] Right.

[1741] And that was.

[1742] Follow through.

[1743] But you wouldn't exactly call it advice, but it was.

[1744] It was something I listened to and continue to think about to this fucking day.

[1745] It is advice.

[1746] Because if you're really good at golf in that respect, if you know how to not move your head, like that's a discipline where you can you can apply that to the rest of your life right you know you're if you're loose and you're not thinking and you're fucked up and you're not using good technique your head's going to be all over the place right same thing in the pool stay down on your shop right now archery yeah keep your head still yeah yeah follow through correct correct follow through it's very important so more do you try to control it be all herky jerky and shit archery is all archery is an incredible one of the most zen things I've ever done in my life surprisingly surprisingly zen you know foxworthy when he built his big house in georgia he had uh deer set up deer target set up that he could walk out in the balcony of his office and get his bowed yeah i have them in my yard i have them all over the place we had a deer problem in our neighborhood and i said you know what you ought to do just shut the gates and turn foxworthy loose in here with a pillow and he would kill everything in here he's a natural born killer he is You've got to be real careful with people shooting arrows in neighborhoods.

[1747] They do that in certain places.

[1748] They have these residential deer hunting permits where they allow bow hunters to come in and shoot deer in, you know, suburban communities.

[1749] Because they just have such an overpopulation and too many people are hitting them with their cars.

[1750] Yeah.

[1751] So, like, there's places like, I think there was one place in Texas.

[1752] You can feed them Doritos out of your hand.

[1753] Yeah.

[1754] They'll just spread around you and go, yeah, here's a bag of Doritos.

[1755] Especially those high fence places, right, where they have feeders set up for them.

[1756] There's a place in Pennsylvania.

[1757] Look up, this is true.

[1758] There's a neighborhood where you can hunt deer there 365 days a year.

[1759] A pig story?

[1760] Tell me that.

[1761] No, no, no, go ahead.

[1762] No, I'm done.

[1763] All right.

[1764] Jamie will Google the Pennsylvania place where you can hunt deer 365 days a year.

[1765] All right.

[1766] So let me figure out a way to tell this story.

[1767] Okay.

[1768] You know, Jay, our buddy, Jay McGroup, is a TV producer, right?

[1769] So they produce the doctors and the Dr. Phil show and the Bull on CBS, but they also have another 10 or 12 shows on any level of cable.

[1770] And if they can sell it, they'll make it as a TV production company.

[1771] So the guy that made the movie, and I always screw up his name, so I'm going to have you look it up, that did the movie about the kid and it took 16 years to make Linklider is the way am I saying it right from Texas I don't know that movie was that movie they followed them from the time he was a kid yeah but the movie took 16 years to make oh yeah it was called About a Boyhood Boyhood Boyhood yeah so and the director was James got a lot of tabs open I think Link Ladder yeah and so So he bought two, I just want to get the story right.

[1772] Got it.

[1773] He bought two miniature pot belly pigs that turned out to be not miniature pot belly pigs.

[1774] Whitney Cumming says that's not real at all.

[1775] Those miniature pigs are just starved little pigs.

[1776] Let me, okay, let me finish.

[1777] Let me finish.

[1778] All right.

[1779] so he needs to find something to do with these pigs and it turns out in Bastrop, Texas where he lives.

[1780] Now this is a very famous, artistic, probably one of the best directors alive.

[1781] And he's from Texas.

[1782] He did that, he did the first movie with Matthew McConaughey about living in Austin.

[1783] And I, you know, you just get me so wasted on this show.

[1784] I can't ever remember anything.

[1785] But anyway, Matthew McConaughey with AIDS, right?

[1786] No, no, no, no. No. No, this was the first thing Matthew McConaughey really discovered McConaughey in, when he was going to University of Texas and did the movie, what?

[1787] I've got to start bringing a friend with me. What is it?

[1788] Boyhood.

[1789] Huh?

[1790] Which one I don't know.

[1791] The one you just talked about?

[1792] Yeah.

[1793] Boyhood?

[1794] No, no, no. No, Matthew McConaughey apparently, his first movie.

[1795] The Matthew McConaughey and that director first movie.

[1796] movie Matthew McConaughey ever did, I think was it.

[1797] Dazed and confused?

[1798] Dazed and confused.

[1799] Ah, old school.

[1800] All right, all right, all right.

[1801] All right.

[1802] So, okay.

[1803] Was the deer thing true?

[1804] Yes, I found a neighborhood where it's true, but I'll wait.

[1805] Okay.

[1806] So here, and I'm going to insert a story, all right?

[1807] So this is my Matthew McConaughey story.

[1808] When I was moving to Austin, I have friends there that are, you know, I like Austin.

[1809] I got friends.

[1810] But I always thought, you know, I'll end up being friends with Matthew McConaughey.

[1811] and because we know a lot of the same people you know and uh and we both smoke pot we're both from texas we're both you know and that's what i'll happen and uh and i love him and i really like working with where and i was like that's who i'll be friends it'll be great it'll be a great part of my thing in austin so i meet matthew mconeh at a chariot event but in in this scenario i have imagined him saying you're ron white you're my favorite comedian ever I got a hot tub going off in my backyard with a couple of girls and I got these great fucking joints and we'll go over there and smoke pot and drink tequila and that's like these girls but what happened was he went oh nice to me and then he went on to me the next person and it was a long pause there where I should have said I love your work but I didn't because I already had it planned out that he was supposed to say how much he loved me and so I just left a long pause there And then when it was all over it with, I said, I should have told him, I loved him.

[1812] I should have told him.

[1813] I should have told him.

[1814] I loved him.

[1815] But I didn't.

[1816] That's the problem with planning.

[1817] So anyway, back to the pig story.

[1818] So this guy finds the pig rescue and decides he wants to do a documentary about it.

[1819] Well, he calls Jay McGraw's right -hand girl, right -hand girl, woman, brilliant girl, that runs things for Jay and I can't remember her name because I'm an idiot and I've met her two times but uh and says I'd like to do a documentary on this this thing so she tells Jay and he goes link letter all right yeah so he calls CBS and I don't even know I should be telling the story and they and they say fuck yeah we'll do anything he wants to do it's got his name on it right He's got a movie coming out with Kate Blanchett that's supposed to win everything there is.

[1820] And he's an amazing guy.

[1821] Just an artist doesn't care a thing about anything, but art doesn't matter if it takes 16 years to make.

[1822] This guy's amazing.

[1823] So Jay has this idea of us doing Judge Roy Bean with me as Judge Roy Bean, but doing a comedy.

[1824] Or we're not even zeroed in on what, but we like me doing that character of, preacher, hangman, bartender, right?

[1825] So, and I would like to play the role.

[1826] And I wouldn't mind finding a TV show to settle into at my age, you know, for a while, you know, if I could do it.

[1827] But it's got to be the right thing with the right people.

[1828] Right.

[1829] Or I won't do it.

[1830] And so CBS says, yeah, we'll do it, you know, fuck yeah, we'll do it.

[1831] And so they're going to make, they're going to have a meeting.

[1832] And so Jay calls me and he goes, well, why don't we talk to him about this joy, Judge Roy Bean thing?

[1833] So I live in Austin, right?

[1834] So I'm right 27 miles from Bastrop, and so I go out there for the meeting and it's in this little restaurant on a river.

[1835] And they talk about that for a little while, and then we talk a little bit about Judge Roy Bean, and then it's time to go to the pig rescue.

[1836] Well, I don't have to go to the pig rescue, but now I'm big, you know, I really want him to direct this film because I know if he does.

[1837] It'll be made a film, you know, it'll be a big thing if he doesn't.

[1838] So, I go, 250 pigs, well -kept and well -fed, fenced in and pins.

[1839] They actually, there's a feral pig problem in that part of Texas, and they have these cameras that are predator cameras, and they have footage of these huge feral pigs walking up to this fence, looking at these pigs going, how'd y 'all get in here?

[1840] Really?

[1841] What are they, you lay in the mud and they bring you food?

[1842] What the, how do you go?

[1843] We don't even know.

[1844] We don't know how we got in here.

[1845] We're just in here.

[1846] And, and they're anywhere from, they had some rescues that were little bitty to 750 -pound pigs.

[1847] All of them sold the same premise that these are miniature pigs.

[1848] And people don't have it.

[1849] 750 -pound pigs.

[1850] 750 pounds.

[1851] Who are these people that are selling miniature pigs?

[1852] Are they still doing that?

[1853] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1854] Alex Ramundo bought three up.

[1855] You think I'm kidding?

[1856] He bought three up and turned him loose in the wild.

[1857] Oh, no. He turned into pigs.

[1858] What are he going to do?

[1859] Well, he lived up in the, whatever, the high mountains.

[1860] He's part of the problem.

[1861] Right, part of the problem.

[1862] He's part of the problem.

[1863] Okay, here you go.

[1864] So we go.

[1865] I'm walking around.

[1866] It's all, it's well done.

[1867] And this guy seems really reasonable, right?

[1868] and he's also an executive for a construction company, a big construction company.

[1869] And this is his passion.

[1870] And then it's, all right, this is the part I can't tell.

[1871] So we, yeah, I just can't say this part of it.

[1872] I understand.

[1873] Pigs.

[1874] and I end up liking the pigs, you know, they're nice.

[1875] If you scratch them, they have arthritis, the big ones they can hardly get around.

[1876] And, But it's basically, it's a, who's going to save these pigs?

[1877] Kind of an operation.

[1878] And I'm like, well, the, you know, the carnita guy would, you know, probably pitch in, you know, if you wanted to retire, you know.

[1879] Because I asked the guy, I said, what's the, where do they go from here?

[1880] And he goes, well, that's it.

[1881] This is it.

[1882] So either someone adopts them or they get turned to bacon.

[1883] they uh no they that's it they they live there until they die wow is the way i understand pigs are weird because they're almost like dogs here i left this part out oh so we're in the house talking about the show and uh and i've had enough of it and i've got a joint in my pocket and i really want to smoke some pot and hang with the pigs because it seems like that would be really fucking fun you know just to scratch on the pigs all stone and shit and that's how mature I am.

[1884] And so this pig comes out of the back squealing and they go, that's Whitney Cummings pig.

[1885] She rescued a pig during the Malibu fires.

[1886] She documented it very heavily on her Instagram.

[1887] Yeah, I show it to you.

[1888] I've seen her pig.

[1889] I saw it in person.

[1890] That's Whitney Cummings pig.

[1891] So then like a couple nights later, I'm up at the store and Whitney Cummings is there.

[1892] and I go, oh, well, you see this.

[1893] She drove that fucking pig to Texas.

[1894] The pig all the way across.

[1895] It took her like two days of driving.

[1896] She's insane.

[1897] Drove a pig in a car for two days.

[1898] To a pig sanctuary.

[1899] That is ridiculous.

[1900] That's hilarious, dude.

[1901] That's Whitney Cummings Pig.

[1902] That's hilarious.

[1903] That's crazy.

[1904] I want to hear more of the story, but I got a piss so bad.

[1905] I'm going to pee my pants.

[1906] Two podcasts in a row.

[1907] Talk to this guy.

[1908] I'll be right back.

[1909] We can't just cut the thing off for a while.

[1910] We could just cut it off totally.

[1911] Do you want to end it?

[1912] No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to end it because it's 5 .30.

[1913] Yeah, yeah, we'll wait.

[1914] I got nothing to do.

[1915] I got nowhere to be.

[1916] I got nothing to do.

[1917] I got nowhere to be.

[1918] I saw, how was you run Kill Tony last night?

[1919] You're telling you had a good time there?

[1920] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1921] It was just a gas.

[1922] I had a friend, I had dinner with friends that night.

[1923] uh in malibu and then came out and did that set and uh and it was it's just a great idea for a show the kill tony show if you have a chance to download uh that podcast uh it's a it's a hoot it's it's so much fun to do it's a live audience down the comedy store and uh it's a great premise and i won't bore you with all the details but you can just tune in if you check the video it probably is up on youtube oh yeah yeah it's a it's a big it's not uh you It's not Joe's show, but it's a big...

[1924] The band dressed up as the blue -collar.

[1925] The band dressed up as the blue -collar comedy guys.

[1926] Oh, they were...

[1927] Oh, it was so funny.

[1928] Jeremiah doing Foxworthy was...

[1929] It really...

[1930] Jeremiah just makes me laugh so hard.

[1931] Everything he does just kills me. And he'll be, you know...

[1932] Hopefully, in my old age, he'll be giving me mercy work because I'd tell him how good he is.

[1933] He has his own part.

[1934] podcast too Jeremiah Wonders where he does he does some voices and whatnot and such doesn't you have guests he does have guests you should probably you should talk to them about it I don't know that I didn't know that you weren't on it I didn't want to say it that way but yeah no I haven't been on it the I always wonder why Bill Byrd didn't have me on his show and a friend that he didn't have anybody yeah he does them all by himself some people a lot of comedian Chris Delia does it all by himself too oh really he's had like one guest on I think was just his brother for a special but he's done 130 or so all by himself it's a lot you could do one probably all by yourself too you know what i couldn't because prefer not to i've got a i've got to save up thoughts for eight months to do the rogan show and uh so i so i'm loyal to the i'm i'm loyal to this show do you know what that is huh do you know who that is no mitsy shore oh wow yeah uh our friend taylor Taylor Boss, he painted that for me. Wow.

[1935] How bad ass is that?

[1936] That's an old picture of Mitzie when she was like 30 -something years old.

[1937] She was cute, cute when she was young.

[1938] Oh, yeah, she was very hot.

[1939] She was one of the most important figures in the history of the comedy.

[1940] One of the most important figures in my life, for sure.

[1941] That lady mentored me. All of us.

[1942] I mean, all of us, because that's the only reason the store exists.

[1943] She let the inmates run the asylum.

[1944] Right.

[1945] She's the only person that let the inmates run the mental hospital.

[1946] There's, that's the actual original picture of her.

[1947] How great is that?

[1948] It's fucking amazing.

[1949] She's like Betty White.

[1950] You ever see those titty pictures of Betty White when she was like 21 years old?

[1951] Yeah, but for Mitzie was so crazy and wild like, it's all right that she's got her nipples in that picture.

[1952] Right.

[1953] She's, uh, our friend Rose, who's, uh, Taylor's girlfriend, uh, put a post on her, uh, when she died.

[1954] I couldn't repost it.

[1955] Like for any other woman I might be able to repost it, but she said, like, I forget what she called her something about something.

[1956] She called her like the greatest boss bitch in history.

[1957] Like, I can't, I can't say that.

[1958] I like it, but I can't repost that.

[1959] Right.

[1960] You know, just.

[1961] Didn't you just say it?

[1962] Yeah, but I mean, I can't say it.

[1963] I can't put it on my Instagram.

[1964] You know, I'm just repeating what she said.

[1965] Okay.

[1966] But it was just, to me, it was hilarious and accurate.

[1967] A woman can say shit like that about a lady like her.

[1968] her and doesn't look bad.

[1969] A man calls her a boss bitch.

[1970] Like, hey, have some respect.

[1971] Right.

[1972] It's fucking Mincy Shore.

[1973] But yeah, so Taylor painted for me and hangs over the studio, watches over us.

[1974] You know, I genuinely don't think I ever met her.

[1975] No?

[1976] No. Yeah, I had some great conversations with her.

[1977] You know, when I came in that first time, you know, I was just in and out and I had no idea what was going on.

[1978] And then I really didn't come back to I did a show in Newport Beach at the laugh stop out there and just got this horrifically horrible review that I tell this story last time I was on it was so bad.

[1979] How bad?

[1980] Oh, Joe.

[1981] There was a picture of me. I'd only been to stand up for like three and a half years.

[1982] And so, and the guy that booked that room watched me do like an eight -minute set in Austin, and I had a killer eight minutes, but he hires me to do 45 minutes.

[1983] And so I go out there, and I'm nervous anyway, right?

[1984] Because that's a big club.

[1985] And the two guys before me were Seinfeld and Slayton.

[1986] Jesus Christ.

[1987] And then Ron White's three -and -a -half -year -old booger -eaten moron thing.

[1988] And so at this point, I don't realize how bad I am because they haven't read it yet.

[1989] And so before I'm nervous, and they go, that's Duncan Strauss, and he writes the comedy reviews for the Orange County edition of the LA Times, which is about 6 million people.

[1990] And I'm like, oh, I should have, well, I wish he had given me a day or two to settle in.

[1991] And so I do this set, and it's not great.

[1992] and it's uh but it's not bad you know i i think i pulled it off you know they laughed at it you know they laughed at what i had put together and whatever it was and and i expect him to be there to congratulate me on the on how good the uh set was and shake my hand and do a little interview to build this great interview so but he wasn't there and i'm like oh okay well then that next night's there's like a little open mic night before me so there's uh and one of the guys i know Steve Epps from Texas is on that and then that night I fucking kill and I'm really drunk and you know and I'm giving advice to other comedians you know because I mean my ego is just flare and I'm like I'm probably going to leave my wife and go find that girl and let the Cotty beer poster and you know it's amazing and people are patting me on the back on your man you are really really good boy is amazing I'm like, yeah, yeah, I am.

[1993] And I am.

[1994] So I'm staying at the Marriott Suites Hotel in the Bay, which is a nice hotel I've ever stayed in.

[1995] And you had to pay for a part of it yourself, but that was all the, I mean, I was making, I never made that much money before.

[1996] It was like $14 or $1 ,500 and for a week.

[1997] And so it's, it's unbelievably beautiful with a gorgeous view, phone, bathroom, you know, two bathroom big marble everything big nice stuff and uh they go back after that well the now the review comes out the next morning and i got this massive hangover i'm just so i'm just sick drunk waking up going oh jesus christ and i just i blink my eyes and start going oh the review the glorious review is out the review that's going to be touting my praises to the masses all over the this area of southern california probably the beginning to my hugeness and uh probably is what's going to happen so it turned out i had bought a bag of popcorn when i was drunk and i followed that bag that popcorn trail from my bed out the door down the hall into the elevator the elevator i got on had popcorn on it so it was the same one i came up in i was just drunk staggering around with the popcorn back and i followed that now this place is just right down the block from the from the club and when i go to a when i'm playing at a club i i hang out at the club a lot you know because that's i just those are the people i know anyway those have been my friends forever so and they're still my friends you know i love so these are people that work there.

[1998] So I walk in the door, and one of the girls that worked there looked at me, and she goes, don't read it.

[1999] And I'm like, what?

[2000] You go, don't read it, Ron.

[2001] It's not true.

[2002] It isn't true.

[2003] And it's a hatchet job.

[2004] I'm like, it's a what?

[2005] A hatchet job.

[2006] So I'm like, no, give it to me. I can read it.

[2007] You know, how bad could it be?

[2008] So there's a big picture of me This big Six million people This big The article was this big It was this big It was a quarter of a page And it said in big black print Even when white's not blue He's not funny And I dropped the newspaper on the floor I couldn't hold up a one -ounce newspaper Because the life had just sucked out of me And I also Agreed with them and felt like I had just been found out as a phony, and I was a phony, and I didn't belong here at all.

[2009] And I picked it up and read it, and it said, watching White's 41 -minute show, so they were nice enough to point out.

[2010] I didn't, I just had to, I had to scrape and crawl to get to 41, much less the 45 I'd agreed to.

[2011] They pointed that out.

[2012] It was like watching a polar bear lumber around on stage and something comical or interesting happening only occasionally.

[2013] Now, here's why I can quote that all these 29 years later.

[2014] I went across the street to the liquor store and bought a bottle of tequila and a pack of razor blades.

[2015] True story.

[2016] I go back up to my Marriott sweets on the bay and sat there at this big desk and I'm just drinking this tequila reading it over and over and over and over and I got a big bag of weed and I'm smoking pot and I've convinced myself that they're going to cancel the show because who would come to a show right with a review like that and then I'm thinking well they probably have to pay me for the shows I did even And, you know, even though I wasn't able to finish the week, right?

[2017] So I just assume I'm fired.

[2018] I genuinely believe that in my heart that I'm fired.

[2019] And so I wake up from this stupor and I got a drool stain on this fucking article and a half a joint and a bottle of, I mean, it's dismal shit, right?

[2020] It's dark, dark time.

[2021] And I walked down there, fuck the show sold out.

[2022] both of them are it's comedy in fucking 1990 89 or 90 whatever it was and you know all the clubs were sold out nobody gave a fuck about that fucking review and uh they give a shit and then I went on stage because I was still a wreck though I'm drunk I just woke up I'm not very good anyway I have no confidence whatsoever I totally agree that I suck and I'm not worth a goddamn thing and I go up there and have the worst set of ever had on a sold -out house and it was just sucked i just sucked it was a horrible and uh and then the guy that booked me calls the club and they go he goes yeah because he read the fucking article and he goes that's got to be a gut punch i mean it was a long there was other shit in it too and none it was good and uh so then they they get me on the phone with him and they get because they asked them they said we just want to see if he's okay and they're like oh no he's not okay he's not okay at all.

[2023] I'm like, I'm really, now I'm, now I'm calling my wife going, I just want to talk to you because I love you so much.

[2024] I'm not even thinking about the Ticcati beer poster anymore.

[2025] I'm just calling her, I just love you.

[2026] I want to be together forever.

[2027] And she's like kind of standoff.

[2028] It's like you can tell I had a bad review.

[2029] So that, uh, that kind of scared me away from L .A. for a while.

[2030] And I realized then that they were right and I should have been slapped in the face.

[2031] And I wasn't good enough to be on that stage.

[2032] I was not.

[2033] And that guy actually apologized to me one time because I saw him later in live.

[2034] And I'm like, no, dude, you were totally right.

[2035] You were completely right.

[2036] I should have been slapped in the fucking face.

[2037] Three years in, you're just getting your legs.

[2038] Yeah, no, yeah.

[2039] I had no business there.

[2040] Yeah.

[2041] And so, you know, it all worked out the, you know, the best way it possibly could have.

[2042] But that also included a couple slaps in the fucking face going, you're, you know, you're not.

[2043] I think those are important.

[2044] I really do.

[2045] I think in the moment, those, feel bad but every big leap i've made as a comic is after i bombed yeah every big leap for real like the you know someone telling me they had a bad time at my show i just felt like you were off i'm like fuck that feeling makes me so hungry to figure out how to do it right that's where it comes from it makes you you know you realize there's urgency to this thing and then over the years part of the fear of bombing is what makes me work so hard on new shit part of the the fear is what makes me do so many sets i'll do two podcasts a night and then i'll do four shows right i'll go to the store i'll do two at the show a store i'll do one or two at the improv i might even go to the ice house or the ha ha i'll fuck around all these are all the reasons i'm not as good as joe rogan right here i get scared ron way i get scared i do too you know i do too and i you know i i i can't tell you at 62 i do all those sets but i do i do go out and do You do a lot of sets.

[2046] And a lot of guys that are kind of in my, you know, in my age group really don't come out and do sets that much.

[2047] But I come out and do sets and I hang out.

[2048] You're ageless, dude.

[2049] We don't think of you.

[2050] You know, you said that one time in the back room.

[2051] You're like, I'm older than you guys.

[2052] And we're like, we don't give a fuck.

[2053] That doesn't mean anything.

[2054] This thing is about comedy.

[2055] It doesn't matter if you're lesbian, if you're trans, if you're from Philadelphia.

[2056] or the Philippines, no one gives a fuck.

[2057] Are you funny?

[2058] And if you're funny, that's all we care about.

[2059] We don't care if you're 90 or 19.

[2060] I mean, I'm real good friends with Ali Mack.

[2061] I'm not fucking 90.

[2062] Ali Mikovsky is, what is she, 22 or some shit?

[2063] She might be 22.

[2064] She's one of my best friends.

[2065] I love that girl.

[2066] She's goddamn hilarious.

[2067] She's a kid.

[2068] We talk all the time.

[2069] We talk about comedy.

[2070] I have her, she hosts my sets of the improv all the time.

[2071] Nobody cares.

[2072] Nobody cares about your age.

[2073] They care about comedy.

[2074] Domerera is the same way.

[2075] You know, nobody thinks of Domerrera's, oh, Don Marrera is older than us.

[2076] No, it's Domerrera is a goddamn comic.

[2077] He's a monster.

[2078] This is a very, very unusual group of humans.

[2079] You really think about the people that we know.

[2080] You know, if you looked at the entire population of the planet, there's 8 billion people or 7 .5.

[2081] Is that what it is?

[2082] Seven and a half?

[2083] Some crazy shit.

[2084] How many of those are comics?

[2085] Is it a thousand?

[2086] A couple thousand.

[2087] The real ones?

[2088] How many of them are headline?

[2089] How many of them can do a solid hour?

[2090] How many of them have filmed a special?

[2091] How many of them have two, three specials?

[2092] Jesus Christ, Ron White.

[2093] You and I are in weird waters.

[2094] There's only like 20 of us.

[2095] Maybe 20.

[2096] You're right.

[2097] Maybe 20 of us.

[2098] Yeah, if that.

[2099] Yeah, we don't give a fuck old.

[2100] You are, dude.

[2101] You better stick around.

[2102] I'm fine, dude.

[2103] I'm fine.

[2104] I am drunk in the middle of the afternoon when I have...

[2105] Now I've got work to do, thanks to you.

[2106] I had a friend of mine when I was...

[2107] My daughter had that event in Vegas, and I went down to see you.

[2108] They're like, you're going to see a comic?

[2109] I go, I'm going to see Ron White.

[2110] Of course, I'm going to go watch them.

[2111] I go have the chance.

[2112] What am I doing?

[2113] Sit with my wife and watch fucking to catch a predator or some shit.

[2114] I don't know.

[2115] Whatever that show is down there.

[2116] Just whatever they're watching television or something like that.

[2117] I'm going to go downstairs, watch Ron White.

[2118] I'm at the Mirage.

[2119] You know?

[2120] I still love it Still watching it Still love it Yeah And it's You know It's really a It's such a Hot man I get into it With the guys at the Cellar in New York And Because they're all like This is the Most significant Comedy Club In America And I'm like It's the most significant 100 -seater You know Yeah The idea that that place It's more significant Than the store Is hilarious Yeah That's so silly And it's still fun And I love That's great It's great, but don't get silly.

[2121] Right.

[2122] Yeah, don't be ridiculous.

[2123] Don't get silly.

[2124] Your second place.

[2125] By a fucking large margin.

[2126] Right.

[2127] Come on, son.

[2128] Dave Chappelle's up at the fucking store all the time.

[2129] Chris Rock comes by.

[2130] Louis C .K. I'm sure he'll be back.

[2131] All right.

[2132] It's a fucking crazy place, man. You're there.

[2133] Delia's there.

[2134] Brian Count's there.

[2135] Joey Diaz is there.

[2136] It's chaos there.

[2137] I counted one night.

[2138] I think it was eight people in the show that make at least 50 ,000 every time they open their mouth in a theater in one fucking show for $14 come to the fucking store and watch a show you know and it's not and if you come like on a a weekend it's not as quite as strong because a lot of the guys are out again girls are out doing set somewhere but Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Sunday you know there's nothing like it because we all have to do what we're doing, and we're lucky to be able to do it where we do it.

[2139] Dude, one night the lineup was Tom Segura, Bill Burr, Burt Kreischer, Ali Wong, me, Joey Diaz, Christalia, Tom Papa, Ian.

[2140] It was fucking crazy.

[2141] It was crazy all the time.

[2142] It was crazy.

[2143] By the time you got to the end of the lineup, you're like, the Home Alone kid.

[2144] Like, what the fuck?

[2145] Look at this lineup.

[2146] This lineup's insane.

[2147] Yeah, it is.

[2148] It is.

[2149] And it's also what makes it so fucking fun for me And why it's You know I live in Beverly Hills And I live two miles away And And And that's what gets me off the couch To go To go live my life And blow the horn It's a battery That plays a battery We're doing a lot of shows Of the improv though I'm doing two this week I did two last week I'm doing them all the time What I just talked to them about I'm like How about I just bring some of my friends over Because like we could all do show like Santino will do a set at the improv and then he'll shoot over to the store and do his set i'll do an eight o 'clock show store doesn't open to later on weeknight it's easy so we've been doing a lot of shows down there too the improv's a great club man it just the lineups were weird the way it was set up was weird there's a lot of weird shit going on if you could just get the top notch people and i was talking to them i'm like look we're right over there right we're fucking we can walk here it's a mile away what you know i mean it's a mile away from the store to the I love the improv, but, you know, if you want to smoke a joint at the improv, you have to actually stand on Melrose in traffic and smoke your wheat.

[2150] And that ain't cool.

[2151] And they're trying to change that.

[2152] I believe they're going to change that.

[2153] I believe they're looking at that.

[2154] Yeah.

[2155] Trying to make that.

[2156] They're building that area on top where there's going to be a little balcony out on the roof of the part of it.

[2157] Yeah.

[2158] And I hope they do.

[2159] And if they do, it'll make a difference.

[2160] It will make a big difference.

[2161] Yeah, it will.

[2162] The hang's not that good there.

[2163] It's hard.

[2164] And when you wait and go on stage, you're essentially in the hallway.

[2165] That's why Bud Freeman was.

[2166] I go, Rod, could you stand over there?

[2167] Language.

[2168] Language.

[2169] Mitzie Shore was literally like, you guys sort it out.

[2170] She let everybody sort it out, sort it out.

[2171] She didn't give a fuck, man. She understood.

[2172] Keep everybody safe.

[2173] Let the lunatics run the asylum.

[2174] Yep.

[2175] Yeah.

[2176] And they did.

[2177] I'll never forget the day she passed me. Ever in my life.

[2178] You're really funny.

[2179] All right.

[2180] You're a pay regular now.

[2181] I was like, holy shit.

[2182] Now, explain to people what a paid regular is.

[2183] They don't know.

[2184] Well, it's like you got the stamp of approval.

[2185] You might actually have a career.

[2186] Like, I wasn't sure if I was going to have a career in comedy.

[2187] What's hilarious is I was on a sitcom at the time.

[2188] I was out here to do a television show for Fox.

[2189] I had done, I'd been on Showtime already.

[2190] I had done, I'd headlined a lot of clubs all over the country, probably prematurely.

[2191] I'd really only been doing stand -up for six years.

[2192] But, you know, I had maybe a good 10, 15 minutes.

[2193] I could actually do a real solid half hour if I had to, but 15 minutes that I could really kill with.

[2194] And to be able to do a set in front of her, and she goes, you're a paid regular.

[2195] I was like, I'm a fucking comedian.

[2196] I'm a, holy shit.

[2197] You've been given the nod.

[2198] I thought it was a fraud.

[2199] You're a made man. I thought it was a fraud.

[2200] Even when I was saying it, even when she said, I was like, damn, I tricked her.

[2201] I tricked all those people in the audience.

[2202] I tricked her.

[2203] That's how I felt.

[2204] I felt like I tricked her.

[2205] Fuck, I tricked everybody.

[2206] But everybody tricks everybody in the beginning.

[2207] Yep.

[2208] How's the beginning is.

[2209] I just didn't trick that one guy.

[2210] But it's good that you didn't trick them.

[2211] Those hard hits, they're important.

[2212] Important stuff.

[2213] Eating shit on stage is critical.

[2214] If you can't accept the fact that it's a process, you can't want everything to happen right away.

[2215] And the only way for you to be really sure that it's not happening yet is to bomb.

[2216] Right.

[2217] Yeah.

[2218] There's no other, nothing other, nothing, tells you so succinctly that you're doing it wrong like eating shit on stage right and you kind of learn a lot from it i mean as you go you know in that you know you don't really mess around that much with comedy's venue you don't want to play a football stadium or whatever i what's the biggest place you've ever performed at uh well blue collar comedy tour we hold the uh the the record uh where the Predators play hockey in Nashville.

[2219] How many people is that?

[2220] 20 ,000.

[2221] That's a lot of people.

[2222] And Elton John held the record before we broke it.

[2223] And the reason we broke it is we were in a center stage in the middle and there's only four of us doing stand -up.

[2224] So nobody will ever have a smaller stage.

[2225] Wow.

[2226] That's hilarious.

[2227] That's hilarious.

[2228] Right, right.

[2229] How could they?

[2230] And that was right before we filmed Blue Collar One.

[2231] Dude, Josh Wolf showed me a picture when he opened up for Larry the Cable Guy.

[2232] you opened up in some football arena he's on stage and he takes like a selfie out looking at the audience it's the craziest thing you've ever seen in your life see if you can find it Josh Wolfe opening up for Larry the cable guy selfie it's I don't even know if he put it online he showed it to me on his phone it's fucking bananas there's 50 ,000 people there you know 50 ,000 people oh yeah he was doing he was doing crazy crazy crazy numbers insane numbers and didn't even talk about it You know, there was a lot of people that were hating on him.

[2233] He couldn't be a nicer guy.

[2234] He's also a great pace, rhythm, and timing one -liner guy, you know, and as good as a guess.

[2235] I've seen him just beat crowds to death.

[2236] Funny dude.

[2237] And gifted and also has done it, you know, he's totally paid his dudes.

[2238] 100%.

[2239] I met him in 92, I think.

[2240] Well, you've done him longer than I hanged.

[2241] Holy shit.

[2242] Look at that fucking crowd.

[2243] Right.

[2244] Yeah.

[2245] I haven't played this place.

[2246] look at that fucking crowd that's got to be that's got to be Nebraska right so right everybody's wearing red that's got to be a memorial stadium in Lincoln Nebraska that is one of the most insane crowds I've ever seen in my life but it makes sense he's got great fucking timing man and I met him like I said in 92 I think at the comedy works in Montreal when Jimbo used to run the joint and he was a great guy man back then even back then he was a i think he was uh it was a radio personality in florida at the time you know he's just and that and that the cable guy was a character he did in that and that he would bring into a show for one joke and and then and it just took over fucking crazy and people don't know like he's dan whitney he's like a regular person right regular comment yeah but he's trapped right he is larry the cable guy who's like to be trapped right oh yeah yeah a place where you're making 30 million dollars a year but it's like this marvelous mrs mazel thing except he's that's that's That's who he actually is.

[2247] I mean, he doesn't have to wear a fat suit or anything crazy.

[2248] Well, his, you know, his dad was a preacher and a pig farmer from Nebraska.

[2249] Wow.

[2250] And so he does this, a great auctioneer boys where it sold a little Danny Whitney from across the street.

[2251] Wow.

[2252] A preacher and a pig farmer.

[2253] Holy shit.

[2254] Speaking of pigs, the pigs just keep coming back.

[2255] Yeah.

[2256] Who's going to save the pigs, Joe?

[2257] The thing is, you can't save the pigs.

[2258] You've got to kill some of them.

[2259] You got to, you know what?

[2260] That's it.

[2261] Pigs are the ultimate conundrum because, like, it would be nice if we could have, like, some sort of harmony with nature with pigs.

[2262] But that's not possible.

[2263] If they're wild, they're fucking up a storm.

[2264] They're having two, three litters a year with six to eight little piglets, and they're just running rampant.

[2265] And they're, they come viable.

[2266] I think, correct me if I'm wrong.

[2267] I think female pigs become viable and get pregnant after.

[2268] After four months of life.

[2269] Four months.

[2270] You're exactly right.

[2271] That's why they make these little bitty pigs.

[2272] And they had these little bitty pigs, too.

[2273] And they're the cutest things I've ever seen in my life.

[2274] Oh, they're adorable.

[2275] And I say, can I pick one up?

[2276] And they're like, they squeal like a pig.

[2277] You know, and literally, I picked one up and they, like, they made a noise like I was stabbing a screwdriver into their ear.

[2278] And I'm like, okay, all right.

[2279] Well, they're there's, they're smart.

[2280] They get scared.

[2281] They're smart.

[2282] It's a crazy thing because, like, you want to love them.

[2283] but then if they're taking over your neighborhood you want to fucking shoot them and kill them and they're delicious and they're so confusing that's their problem right that's the whole problem they're delicious you know how they got into California no William Randolph Hurst oh yeah that crazy asshole he used to bring them and he would populate his forest outside of his home with wild pigs up in wild boars Russian boys yeah you go out and fucking shoot them like so if you go to like Tatchapie or any of these areas that have wild pigs.

[2284] You go to certain areas, like towards the middle of near Bakersfield.

[2285] There's wild pigs out there.

[2286] Oh, yeah.

[2287] That's all William Randolph -Hurst, wild pigs.

[2288] Thanks, Bill.

[2289] Yeah, that crazy asshole.

[2290] He let pigs loose in California.

[2291] They're everywhere.

[2292] Big Sur.

[2293] Like Hunter S. Thompson used to hunt wild boar and big sir with a fucking machine gun.

[2294] Those were William Randolph Hearst's wild pigs that had populated the mountains.

[2295] All the way up the coast?

[2296] All the way up to coast.

[2297] All the way up to coast.

[2298] San Jose?

[2299] There was a fucking news.

[2300] story from San Jose where they were knocking over people's trash cans and he's like tech communities.

[2301] They're 800 pound pigs out there.

[2302] Big ass fucking pigs.

[2303] Mowing.

[2304] Mowing people.

[2305] Most of the wild ones aren't that big.

[2306] The wild ones are like a big wild ones like 300 pounds.

[2307] The big really big ones are the ones that are domesticated.

[2308] You know what happens there though?

[2309] They're domesticated and then people let them go.

[2310] See, don't be looking at this up on the computer.

[2311] Don't fuck up my fucking story with the truth.

[2312] No, no, no. I know about this.

[2313] Huge.

[2314] One thing I you know about as feral pigs i've studied them pretty pretty closely why because i'm friends with a lot of people that are professional hunters okay and uh i wanted to know how the fuck they got so big like there's a video of uh there's a photo rather one they called hogzilla that was from georgia it's a fucking enormous pig but it looks right look at that motherfucker king con hog from russia makes hogzilla look like a baby see i'm not buying that look how far that guy look at the guy's head see that guy's head that guy's a mile away Where the fuck is that guy That guy could be on top of that thing And that looks like a German Shepherd How much does it weigh?

[2315] We have no idea This is a photograph Hold on Let me see that Tusks again Let me see the tusks Eh, it's a big pig But it doesn't have to be that big That could be a 300, 400 -pound big It doesn't even say Did they weigh it?

[2316] 1 ,179 pounds That's a big dude Says who Says who Says these guys with the scales What website is this?

[2317] They've got scales website is this wide open spaces hmm that's a pretty reputable oh that's not all the shoulder yeah five and a half feet at the shoulder a pig I want to see a picture he brought 200 of these not specifically that one but it was a Russian boar he brought in from Russia and they ended up breeding with local feral pigs and they got big yeah well here's the thing about boars and pigs and all that jazz it all comes from the same genus it's all from something called Sue Scraffa.

[2318] Sue Scraffa is all pigs.

[2319] What's crazy about that is like when you see a domestic pig and they look all cute and cuddly and pink and shit, when they get loose and they go wandering through the woods, they turn feral and their face changes.

[2320] Their face gets longer.

[2321] They grow tusks.

[2322] Their hair gets thicker.

[2323] This one, it says the shoulder height.

[2324] Is that how high the shoulders are off the ground?

[2325] Five and a half feet.

[2326] Jesus Christ, that's so big.

[2327] I'm three inches shorter than, or taller than that.

[2328] Five and a half feet, that's insane.

[2329] That's this tall.

[2330] on me. So me standing out.

[2331] Okay, I'm 5 '8.

[2332] Look at this.

[2333] Watch this.

[2334] Here's the pig's, here's the pig's shoulder.

[2335] Right, right there.

[2336] That's a big ass pig.

[2337] Is that three inches?

[2338] Right, that's honor.

[2339] Is that like right there?

[2340] Where's three inches?

[2341] Like right here?

[2342] That's fucking insane.

[2343] That's a pig that high?

[2344] That's insane.

[2345] That's an elk.

[2346] Hogzilla was a shoulder high to three feet.

[2347] So that's almost double.

[2348] Is that real, though?

[2349] Oh, man. Five and a half feet tall.

[2350] That's so big.

[2351] That's so big.

[2352] But if it was a thousand pounds.

[2353] That makes sense because a good elk is like 800 pounds Right, no, yeah A longhorn steer See, these guys are so far behind it Oh, okay, you know what Maybe, this is a bullshit hunter's trick That's a hunter's trick His hands are on its back Where?

[2354] I don't see his hands Do you see his hands?

[2355] I don't see his hands I don't see his hands No, not anymore Trust me Look at it Listen, that guy is in the next It's 1100 pounds of period That guy's hiding He's way behind that thing You're supposed to be right next to it And if that is a deceptive photo When you take a photo like that That is you're doing that on purpose.

[2356] What you're supposed to do is supposed to put your gun or your rifle or your bow and arrow.

[2357] You lean it on the animal.

[2358] You stand next to it so that people that know how difficult it is and people say, oh, you're a trophy hunter.

[2359] No, you're trying to kill a smart, mature animal because that's the one that's healthiest for the population.

[2360] That's the one you want to take out of the breeding cycle.

[2361] This is one that's already spread its genes.

[2362] And hunters respect when someone shoots a mature, older animal.

[2363] That's a, for sure, it looks good, right?

[2364] I'm hungry.

[2365] Those are not that good to eat unless you really know what the fuck you're doing.

[2366] Like, you got to be, you got to slow cook that motherfucker.

[2367] That one, you want to do low, you want to probably, you're going to brine that bitch.

[2368] Get them in a big old vat of salt water with brown sugar and garlic and just let them soak for a while.

[2369] This article is sort of saying it could be bullshit.

[2370] Could be bullshit.

[2371] I'm telling you that guy's too far away.

[2372] You got to listen to me. When you see a guy.

[2373] that's that far away.

[2374] What are you saying about Russians, bro?

[2375] Is that guy near the bumper of that fucking car?

[2376] I'm saying they lie about their pig size.

[2377] Look at where his shoulders are.

[2378] They line up almost with the bumper.

[2379] He does.

[2380] He looks tiny.

[2381] He's way behind that pig.

[2382] Look at him in relation to the size of the car.

[2383] Exactly.

[2384] He's like a third grader.

[2385] Exactly.

[2386] Doesn't make sense.

[2387] Yep.

[2388] This guy is hiding.

[2389] He's hiding behind that pig.

[2390] If you wanted people to know the actual perspective, you'd see that.

[2391] If he had a rifle leaning up against that pig.

[2392] the rifle looked tiny, you'd be like, holy shit, that's a giant pig.

[2393] But there's nothing in that photo that represents an actual perspective.

[2394] You would have to be standing right.

[2395] Look, he's hiding.

[2396] He was, oh, I can't even see.

[2397] Bitch, you could see.

[2398] That ain't a five and a half foot tall pig.

[2399] Well, that pig six one laying down in this picture.

[2400] Yeah, in that picture.

[2401] These guys on his knees.

[2402] This is the only evidence that they have is a dead one.

[2403] That means that the werewolf we have in the lobby could be real, too.

[2404] The werewolf was a thousand pounds.

[2405] It's even bigger than this pig.

[2406] Yeah, that's stupid.

[2407] that's what people do man people take pictures of animals they hide what it's a it's in the hunting world it's called a grip and grin take a fo like you hold a deer and you like push them way out people do that with fish too like you caught a big bass you take that big bass you put it way in front of you it looks gigantic right if you take that big bass you're like hey look at my big bass right that's a confident person right confident person's got that bass behind them that motherfucker do you know how big that is wrong bigger wrong keep guessing doesn't matter this guy's a liar the guy withholding out in front of him he's showboating i'm not buying it showboating that fucking pig's 300 pounds that's a baby pig that's when i and joe rogan are against it Whitney cummings pigs brothers and sisters got loose they shot it so i saw her right after that i thought you're not going to believe this shit Whitney i have pictures of your pig and i shows to her on the phone and she just flipped the fuck out yeah she's uh that lady loves animals for real she's yeah who god bless her fiance he's in for a long run of animal husbandry my friend's wife if she sees an animal that's dead and it's winter she'll bury it she'll put it in her freezer oh god wait for the thaw and then bury it and wait for the ground to thaw and then dig all and bury it Jesus that's deep wouldn't do that no I don't know anybody else She sticks to the next level, this lady.

[2408] Yeah, that's taking it to the next level.

[2409] You've got to accept there's a cycle of life.

[2410] You don't have to like, just leave it outside for something to eat.

[2411] Yeah.

[2412] That's what you're supposed to do.

[2413] What I do.

[2414] Well, there's a reason for that.

[2415] Those animals, they need to stay alive too.

[2416] The animals that eat dead animals, they need to stay alive too.

[2417] Right.

[2418] This is the whole cycle.

[2419] Not just vultures, rats.

[2420] You know, there's a lot of carrying, a lot of scavengers.

[2421] Here's something interesting as this show gets drunker and drunker.

[2422] I grow mire lemons at my place and so I look at the lemons and something has eaten the rind off the lemon and left the lemon hanging on the tree in perfect condition and I'm like well that's odd and then I see one little group of perfectly peeled lemons on the ground and then there's two more lemon pods on the tree perfect lemons no right i'm like what the fuck is this this is yesterday this sounds but yesterday this isn't memories from the past which i have almost none of but yesterday and uh so we looked it up and it's it's called a roof rat and they love it they love specifically mire lemons which is what these were and they love the the rind but they don't like the sourness of the of the fruit so they just eat the uh they just eat the rind and leave the fruit hanging on the tree and it's it was just baffling really when i first saw it but look at that they do the exact opposite with oranges right and we also have blood oranges and so they'll put a little hole in them eat all the fruit out of and leave the husk hanging on the tree with nothing on the inside and like jesus christ fucking dicks so now when i eat an orange or a lime or whatever.

[2423] I'm like, throw the rides out there.

[2424] Save the fucking fruit.

[2425] You know, I really don't like to kill anything.

[2426] Dude, I have a peach tree.

[2427] I maybe ate three peaches the whole time.

[2428] I've been living in this fucking house.

[2429] I've been living that house since 2003.

[2430] These goddamn squirrels eat my peaches.

[2431] They eat every fucking peach I've ever grown.

[2432] Look at that.

[2433] Look at these rats.

[2434] Look at what's left there.

[2435] They dug a hole in that shit.

[2436] I literally never get to eat peaches.

[2437] These country goddamn squirrels.

[2438] I have all these things going on.

[2439] in my house right now.

[2440] I have coyote problems.

[2441] They're called roof rat.

[2442] I got serious coyote problems.

[2443] I have no more chickens.

[2444] Really?

[2445] Coyers killed all my chickens in one fell swoop.

[2446] You ready for this?

[2447] They killed the last nine chickens.

[2448] I had to transfer to them because my chicken coop burnt to the ground.

[2449] So we had to get a smaller coop.

[2450] And you're blaming that on the coyotes?

[2451] No, no, no. The chickens escaped.

[2452] And we saved the chickens.

[2453] and we got them to this other coop after the fire, and it wasn't as reinforced as the original coop.

[2454] The original coop, I had hired a guy who's a carpenter to build me a nice coop, and he did a great job, and the coyotes were on the roof one night, chewing at it, and I had a death perch set up on my porch.

[2455] I had my hoit out there.

[2456] I had arrows, range finder.

[2457] I even laid bait out in my yard waiting for these cunts.

[2458] I was going to full rambo.

[2459] But I lost my patience and I'm a busy man I got a lot of things to do So I abandoned the project Right You weren't you weren't keeping a lodge Fire burnt my fucking chicken coop Down to the ground We put these chickens in another coop And these coyotes tore that coop apart And they did it when we weren't home And we came home as just feathers They were all gone All nine of them You know part of me admires them You know part of me is like These little wolves are surviving in the suburbs They're trying to figure this shit out They figure it out, man. They win.

[2460] It's fucking break into this thing or die.

[2461] My wife was getting uncomfortable because you're basically making your house a target.

[2462] You know, they're on the roof right next to the house.

[2463] These little small predators are chewing at the roof of the chicken coop before the fire happened.

[2464] And it was like that was when I decided to go to war.

[2465] I didn't fully committed to war because I didn't get a, I was going to get a subsonic 22.

[2466] That's the way to go.

[2467] Because you were here a subsonic 22.

[2468] It sounds like this.

[2469] Tack.

[2470] Tack.

[2471] It doesn't sound like anything, but it's lethal.

[2472] I had a coyote, but I don't think it's legal inside city limits.

[2473] I don't even think I should be saying that I wanted to shoot it with a rifle.

[2474] It's probably like a criminal intent idea, but I never really considered it.

[2475] And I definitely never bought one.

[2476] But I was ready to fuck one up with a bow and arrow.

[2477] But now it's over.

[2478] They got, they won.

[2479] They figured it out.

[2480] The fire opened up the door.

[2481] And they, after the fire was, they were.

[2482] real sketchy, real loud, because they were trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, because like all the brush was gone.

[2483] So probably the rabbits were missing, and the rats were missing.

[2484] Of course they were.

[2485] Yeah.

[2486] Were we going to say, Jamie?

[2487] Yeah, it was, it's weird.

[2488] It came, you know, came home and see just feathers everywhere, man. Just feathers.

[2489] Like just, like someone just sliced a few pillows and just shook them all over the yard.

[2490] Like, fuck.

[2491] You know?

[2492] We should look back and, and try to figure out what we should have closed with.

[2493] That's a good way to close.

[2494] We've closed with murdered chickens.

[2495] We've got a show tonight.

[2496] Ron White will be with me. All shows are sold out.

[2497] All going well.

[2498] The show is sold out.

[2499] This weekend, I'm at Austin, Cap City Comedy Club.

[2500] That's sold the fuck out, too, with George Perez, who's goddamn hilarious, and Andrew Santino.

[2501] Also, the murderer there?

[2502] Friday and Saturday.

[2503] Are you in town?

[2504] No. Damn it.

[2505] My place is under construction.

[2506] I'm redoing my house.

[2507] Ron White, Intercontinental Man of Misty.

[2508] Travels all over the globe, homes in many mysterious locations.

[2509] Don't you have a place in Atlanta, too?

[2510] I sold that and bought the place in Austin.

[2511] I like it.

[2512] I like the move.

[2513] I like where you like to go, two of my favorite spots, Atlanta and Austin.

[2514] Right, right.

[2515] You can ease into them and have fun.

[2516] Favorite spots.

[2517] I could live in either or.

[2518] It's easy to get connected to the music vibe in Austin, you know, and figure out real quick who you really love to see.

[2519] Sure, sure.

[2520] But I like Atlanta, too.

[2521] I don't know.

[2522] I love both of them.

[2523] All right.

[2524] Ron White, you're a bad motherfucker.

[2525] It's an honor to call you a friend.

[2526] I appreciate you dearly.

[2527] Back at you, back at you.

[2528] Hala!

[2529] That's it, fuckers.

[2530] We'll see you soon.

[2531] More show tomorrow.

[2532] Bye.

[2533] See you.