MFM Minisode 9

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] Should we pause while Elvis finishes being in the litter box?

[17] No, let's power through it.

[18] Are we already recording?

[19] yeah then then we have to okay and starting hi hi hi hi hi hi hi welcome to a minnesota of my favorite murderer Elvis is done in the litter box and we're ready to now present you with your own hometown murder stories yeah we do this because you guys send in so so so many good ones so so so so many and then so so so many so so ones So, so, so, so many so -so -ones.

[20] Yeah.

[21] I just repeated your joke.

[22] Should we read a, okay, you want to go foist?

[23] Sure.

[24] Read me a hometownie.

[25] Here's my first pick.

[26] The subject line, it's from Gretchen, and it just says literally just tractors, also a serial killer.

[27] Gretchen, you piqued my interest.

[28] I was like, what the hell's going on?

[29] Is she really only going to talk about tractors?

[30] Let's find out.

[31] I didn't.

[32] I just made sure it was short, but I didn't actually read it.

[33] Okay.

[34] Hey ladies, I'm from a small town in southeastern Michigan called Ticumsa.

[35] I imagine that's after the famous Native American.

[36] So there's really not much going on here, mostly just tractors and cornfields.

[37] The biggest crime story in the last 10 years was probably a married couple receiving jail time for their overdue library books.

[38] That's not true, Gretchen.

[39] I bet it is.

[40] Think so?

[41] yeah oh then i'm fucked are you do you have opening library well not right now but when i was i probably like 10 i checked out all the encyclopedia browns at petaluma public library and then didn't return them and then put them in my closet like couldn't deal with them yeah put them no i knew that i had them but i put them in the far back corner of the closet like a like at the dirtiest of all secrets they don't exist anymore i'm sure my mom just found them one day and brought them back but because you don't know what happened to them It was one of my earliest, quote -unquote, problems that, like, kept me up at night.

[42] Oh, my God, that sounds like a babysitter's club book.

[43] It sounds like an encyclopedia Brown book.

[44] Yes, it's a book about how do you solve that problem.

[45] Oh, man. The anxiety, however, I'm not turning in a library book on file.

[46] And also, it's just so reflective of how I solve problems, which is, just don't do it.

[47] Burry it.

[48] Run away, move out of town.

[49] All right.

[50] However, this is back to Gretchen's email.

[51] However, when I was just a wee murderer note, oh, the idea.

[52] that's so cute.

[53] That is so cute.

[54] Just a five -year -old obsessed with murder.

[55] And I was checking out my hometown to see if anything weird had ever happened here.

[56] I found this.

[57] 1960, serial killer, Henry Lee Lucas murdered his alcoholic, abusive mother in my hometown after an apparent argument.

[58] He is one of the kings of serial killers.

[59] This is like having royalty in the worst possible way in your town.

[60] That name alone, gives me fucking shivers.

[61] He's bad news.

[62] Oh, my gosh.

[63] He was born in Virginia, but after spending his teen years in and out of jail for raping his half -brother and dead animals, fucking psycho in parentheses, he was released and came to find dear old mom.

[64] Oh, dear.

[65] He was sentenced to 20 to 40 years for her death, but after multiple suicide attempts in prison, he was released to a mental hospital and then paroled in 1970 after only 10 years.

[66] Bye!

[67] Then he then went on to attempt a kidnapping for which he received another five years, and when he was released, he took one of his prison friends and went on an apparent cross -country murder spree, taking his love interest with them as well.

[68] It sounds like the Britney Spears movie where they do a cross -country.

[69] A walk to remember?

[70] No, that's about a cancer, a girl with cancer.

[71] Many more, I think.

[72] The fault in our stars?

[73] No. That's about the girl with cancer that goes to the end frame.

[74] there's so many people screaming the title of that movie right now Britney Spears not yet crossroads crossroads but of course he knew it I love it oh that's cute you gotta love crossroads did you see crossroads in the theater no I watched it recently oh oh in your adult life it was for work oh sure it was yeah yeah uh -huh are you work as a pedophile oh my god I'm Steven I'm so sorry I shouldn't have a dude you only said that because of his mustache I'm just pick on Stephen I'm keeping it all in Suddenly Karen and Georgia got real mean to Stephen It's fun to be mean to Stephen No it isn't Okay Once this lunatic was arrested again in 1983 For possession of a deadly weapon He confessed to hundreds of murders Over 600 No I'm pretty sure Henry Lee Lucas Isn't Otis tool in Henry Lee Lucas Aren't they that?

[75] Yeah.

[76] All right.

[77] Anyway, these are, they're like big hitters that we should probably cover at some point.

[78] I don't know.

[79] I like that we don't do the, like, the ones that everyone does.

[80] Oh, that's good.

[81] Like, last podcast, and one left it a legit good one about that.

[82] I know.

[83] Like, we don't need to do that.

[84] Yeah, we can't.

[85] Let them do all that work.

[86] It's called research.

[87] It's a lot of work.

[88] And I'm not interested.

[89] Though only three of these murders can be confirmed of the 600 he admitted to.

[90] One of them was his mother.

[91] So I guess that makes my hometown pretty special.

[92] George W. Bush sentenced him to life in prison in Texas and he passed away on March 12th, 2001 Good Riddance.

[93] Love you ladies.

[94] Love the podcast.

[95] Give Elvis a cookie for me. Stay sexy.

[96] Don't get murdered.

[97] Gretchen.

[98] Girl.

[99] It's funny that it took George W. Bush to like fucking get, like to keep this guy in prison.

[100] See, he did some good stuff.

[101] Yeah.

[102] You're always pissed about like the people he put in prison who weren't supposed to be there or too long and then you're like, yeah, but this guy fucking deserved it.

[103] Or you just laugh at him because of those speeches.

[104] I saw a super cut of some of his worst speech moments A couple weeks ago at work It was hilariously terrible He just did not have the gift No Not at all Good painter though Great painter I should have with that What do you have?

[105] All right well mine is a double So it's kind of long Okay So get in here But it's funny Dig in here Get comfy So this is from Brendan Brendan B His photo is very very sassy in his email.

[106] It says, hi, Georgia, because he sent it just to my email address.

[107] I don't know.

[108] My friends and I are big fans of your podcast, listen at work, blah, blah, blah.

[109] My best friend told me I had to email you.

[110] At first, I thought, like, I have nothing to say.

[111] Then I remembered back in 2006, I had one of the most weird weeks of my life.

[112] It's a story I've told over drinks a lot, but I love to stretch it out.

[113] Let's see here.

[114] I'm like that, Brendan.

[115] I'm the same way.

[116] If I have a story that would take a normal person three minutes to tell, it'll take me 15.

[117] And people will love it.

[118] And you just dress it up and you flourish and you add shit.

[119] And you pause.

[120] This is why we're podcasters.

[121] You pause.

[122] You just, you maintain attention for as long as humanly possible.

[123] You're a fucking storyteller, man. Yeah, that's right.

[124] It's good.

[125] All right.

[126] Okay.

[127] So when I was hiking with a boy I liked and, sorry, two stories.

[128] One where I was hiking with a boy I liked and one in my actual backyard.

[129] At the time I was living in Hawthor, New Jersey, very close to the cookie factory.

[130] I don't know what that means.

[131] Um, Elvis.

[132] Oh, no. All right.

[133] Story number one.

[134] It was probably around summertime and I was still a smoker.

[135] So this was a long time ago, as I can't remember the last time I bought cigarettes.

[136] This guy who I had a huge crush on who now in retrospect probably only wanted to be just good friends was kind of a sporty guy.

[137] He liked to hike and rock climb and other such stuff like you do when you're obsessed with someone.

[138] You pretend like you like those things too.

[139] Yep.

[140] That's right.

[141] Oh, that sounds like I would never.

[142] This sounds like a nightmare dating a sporty person.

[143] I had lived through it for five years.

[144] Shut up.

[145] I married it.

[146] I pretended I like camping for five years.

[147] Oh, Karen.

[148] It was hard.

[149] You sacrificed yourself.

[150] The first time I told my sister and Adrienne I was going camping, Adrian just fucking turned on me like a viper and goes, camping?

[151] Camping?

[152] Are you kidding me?

[153] Camping?

[154] Yeah.

[155] They knew.

[156] They knew you were trying to be someone.

[157] You're not.

[158] It happens.

[159] It happens.

[160] This is from my podcast, Divorce Corner.

[161] guys find someone with similar things to you don't ever pretend especially camping because then you're out in the dirt but you know so annoying about like hiking and and and like biking and camping and all this outdoor shit is like you feel like you're supposed to be doing that like that feels like they're vegan you're like yeah I should be vegan too have always wanted it like I knew I should go vegan I know I should hike more and exercise more but like if you're not that fucking person I'm sorry but I will watch I will watch 25 movies in a row it's what I love yeah I want to talk about it I want to make them I want to watch them some dick who walks uphill and boots isn't fucking better than you because of that you know who do you think you are campy fucking dick sleep on the fucking ground you know that there's room service in hotels and no snakes and no no snakes not one snake in hotel just like last time I went camping I like slept on a yoga mat in a fucking sleeping bag.

[162] It's rough.

[163] It's rough stuff.

[164] Why would you, don't do that?

[165] Who are you trying to prove?

[166] Your boyfriend, the guy you don't really heard that into.

[167] All right.

[168] Da -da -da -da -da -da, New Jersey.

[169] Let's see here.

[170] We got lost.

[171] Sorry, Brendan, I'll let you tell the story yourself.

[172] He asked me to go hiking with him one morning and I remember how to borrow my friend's Timberland boots.

[173] So that looked like I knew the proper footwear to wear.

[174] Oh, bad start.

[175] One guy tried to take me hiking once on a date and I was like, and I got there and my whole like get up and I, and then we walked and we passed a bar and I was like, let's go drink and I made him go drink with me. Did it work?

[176] Uh -huh.

[177] Oh, thank God.

[178] It's great.

[179] We had a pretzel and we drank.

[180] Fun.

[181] Because I can't.

[182] No way.

[183] Let's see here.

[184] We were hiking for what seemed like hours and truth be told, I think I was this just there so occasionally we could mess around and make out.

[185] At one point we were scaling over a very large boulder in the middle of the woods and when we came down there underneath was a rae radius bone.

[186] I don't say this like I'm a smarty pants who memorizes bones in the human body, but I do remember in high school, just like everyone else, since in science class, we had a life -size skeleton that we would use to learn the different bones of the body.

[187] I remember that the radius bone is the bone that connects the wrist to the elbow.

[188] It's not exactly something you expect to see in the middle of the woods, but it's also unmistakable.

[189] And first we went through the motions of, this is not real, this can't be happening, but it dawned on us more and more that this is exactly what was happening.

[190] We were several miles in the woods, technically the middle of nowhere.

[191] And after a little digging, noticed that, indeed, we were standing on the remains of a decomposed body.

[192] Oh, shit.

[193] It was so decomposed.

[194] There wasn't really even a smell.

[195] And I may just note that it was not easy getting here to this place we were.

[196] I had to physically push myself to get there.

[197] But mostly I did it because I was trying to impress him as we scaled rocks and jumped around the forest like guys do.

[198] Guys who like to mess around with guys who are kind of sporty.

[199] Brendan, we get it.

[200] Brendan, love you.

[201] This guy's probably fun to hang out with.

[202] He is the best.

[203] The rest of the story...

[204] He's flourishing.

[205] That's why we know he's one of us.

[206] I bet he's not dating a fucking sporty guy anymore.

[207] The rest of the story is kind of a blur, even though it took the rest of the night.

[208] Neither of us had a cell phone, and we knew that it would probably be difficult to find our way back here.

[209] At first, we considered leaving and just pretending like we had not discovered this body.

[210] Always an option.

[211] Sure.

[212] But the idea, honestly, is something I knew I would haunt me for the rest of my life.

[213] Yeah.

[214] Sometimes I can't help myself.

[215] I have to do the right thing.

[216] Eventually, what we did...

[217] Eventually, what we did was he left me there with the skeleton and he found his way back to his car and he called the police.

[218] That had to be a rock paper scissors moment, right?

[219] Yeah, who gets to go back to the car?

[220] And who gets to stay with the skeleton?

[221] You're holding the skeleton's hand.

[222] That's so sad.

[223] An hour or two later, he came back with the police and we were questions and fingerprinted.

[224] They said that somebody would be coming out to talk to us again about the situation.

[225] But for now, please try not to tell many people.

[226] it was honestly one of the most bizarre nights I've ever experienced.

[227] So why don't you go and then I'll tell you story number two.

[228] We don't find out who the person was or that like if...

[229] No, he ends it at the end but no, I'm sorry.

[230] Okay, okay, okay.

[231] Yeah, unfortunately.

[232] Of course, Brendan's gonna write a two -parter.

[233] Oh yeah, Brendan is so Brendan.

[234] Brendan is like us.

[235] Brendan needs a podcast about dating with dudes that he didn't want to date.

[236] Well, this, my next one is from someone named Rebecca and the subject line is leave well enough alone ass hat.

[237] Hi, ladies.

[238] Of course we're going to read that.

[239] Of course.

[240] Here's a hometown murder for you.

[241] I entitled this hometown murder.

[242] You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?

[243] Awesome.

[244] So I am from a town in Illinois, and then in the 90s, there was a horrible murder here.

[245] Mark Winger called 911 one day after finding a man beating his wife to death with a hammer in his kitchen and shooting the man to death.

[246] Oh, my God.

[247] During the 911 call, Mark says that his baby daughter is crying and he will call back.

[248] That's not what you do.

[249] we yeah we know that now this stinks to high heaven no she was fucking him he killed him both when the police arrive oops when the police arrived both his wife and roger the man in the kitchen were barely alive and were taken to the hospital where they both later died before the paramedics came in however a police officer snapped a picture of the scene mark winger was hailed as a hero and the community rallied around him it turned out that roger harrington had driven mark's wife Donna and baby daughter home from the airport during the drive, Donna reported that Roger drove erratically and kept talking about hearing voices.

[250] After she got home, Mark called the company and complained about Roger.

[251] So for the next three years, freaking Mark Winger kept showing up at the police station asking questions about the murder.

[252] It was suspicious enough that the original detectives looked up the case file again.

[253] In it, they saw the picture that one officer had that one officer had taken at the scene.

[254] They realized there was no way that Mark's story was not possible.

[255] There was no way that Mark's story was not possible, but I think she means possible, because the bodies were pointing, pointed in the wrong direction.

[256] In addition, a woman Mark had dated at the time, secretly, came forward and said that Mark had talked about killing his wife with her.

[257] What?

[258] So Mark went to prison.

[259] While there, he tried to hire a convict to kill this woman, his girlfriend.

[260] Holy shit.

[261] And so he was transferred to Supermax.

[262] Springfield in the surrounding area has a lot of good murder stories.

[263] Maybe I'll send some more, some other time.

[264] Stay sexy ladies.

[265] Bex.

[266] Fuck, man. Wow.

[267] I thought that was going to be, there's one where when the woman's dying, she in her blood paints the initials of the killer on the wall.

[268] No. Yeah, I don't remember.

[269] This one, I saw this like a date line of this one too, where it's like It's like a, you know, when you have a crazy Uber driver and you're like, drop me off a couple doors down.

[270] Yes.

[271] It's like that.

[272] And so, sorry, that was his Mark's story to the cops that it was the crazy driver.

[273] Yeah, I think he was trying to pin it on him.

[274] Right.

[275] But then it turned out that he just killed his wife and the guy that was there.

[276] Totally.

[277] I wonder who the guy was.

[278] I wonder if they were having an affair.

[279] I'm going to go ahead and look all that stuff up.

[280] Do it.

[281] But not right now because I'm about to read you part two of Brendan's email.

[282] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[283] Absolutely.

[284] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[285] Exactly.

[286] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[287] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[288] That's right.

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[290] Give your point of sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[291] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.

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[293] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.

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[295] Connect with customers in line and online.

[296] Do retail right with Shopify.

[297] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[298] important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[299] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[300] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[301] Goodbye.

[302] Hey, this is exciting.

[303] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[304] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.

[305] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[306] Who killed Saz?

[307] And were they really after Charles?

[308] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[309] This season, murder hits close to home.

[310] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[311] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[312] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[313] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[314] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[315] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on who.

[316] Lou.

[317] Goodbye.

[318] Story number two.

[319] So it's the same week.

[320] Now I'm going out with a football captain.

[321] God, it sucks.

[322] A murder occurred literally in my backyard.

[323] I had a nice little apartment that had a nice little backyard.

[324] Both of my cats were indoor cats, and I remember vividly the time one of them got out and went exploring for an entire weekend.

[325] Oh my God.

[326] I feel your pain.

[327] That's the worst.

[328] I searched high and low for two days trying to find him and didn't even sleep.

[329] Eventually he came back on his own, as they say, cats always do.

[330] During this time, a murder occurred in the house directly behind my apartment.

[331] I only know this because when I was out looking for my cat, neighbors I've never met before, asked me if I knew anything about the murder.

[332] First, I had no idea what they were talking about until I saw the police pull up and yellow tape went all around the property behind my house.

[333] Meanwhile, I'm still out looking for my cat and to be perfectly honest with you, I was feeling almost hysterical as I was so afraid that he might get hurt or in a fight with a dog or hit by a car.

[334] I get it.

[335] I walked around fucking shitty.

[336] Echo Park at midnight crying one night looking for Elvis.

[337] Because Elvis got out.

[338] Elvis got out.

[339] Some fucking dude and like a low rider pulled up and I was like, do you need a ride?

[340] And I was crying.

[341] I was like, I can't find my cat.

[342] And he was like, okay, bye.

[343] I was going to kill you.

[344] But, oh, this is really depressing.

[345] Or I thought you're hot, but now you're crying and I don't want to deal with you.

[346] Yeah, he really drove away.

[347] Okay.

[348] One point I found myself in the backyard where some of the property from the other house where the murder took place was in the backyard.

[349] I saw a cow covered in blood.

[350] Oh.

[351] Later I would read in the paper some of the details about the murder that took place in the middle of the night while I was fast asleep, not 20 feet away.

[352] Eventually, the police came to question all the neighbors and me. I guess names are linked in the database on a computer somewhere because when the police came to talk to me at my kitchen, they brought up the body that I had found in the woods two days prior.

[353] Oh, that's right.

[354] I've never been in a situation like this and honestly could see how it all looked shady and shifting.

[355] Start asking yourself, what are the chances of this being possible.

[356] Two bodies, two murders, the same week.

[357] I'm never a guilty -feeling person, but I admit that I did start to sweat at the kitchen table.

[358] Yeah, you better.

[359] I must have smoked a pack of cigarettes while this police officer interrogated me. I felt so bad that all I could say was no, I don't know.

[360] I have no information.

[361] I'm sorry.

[362] I'm useless, which really was the truth.

[363] Nothing further ever came from either of the stories, and the police never doubled back to get another statement for me, but I'll never forget the week in the summer of 2006 that for one moment I got to feel what it's like to possibly be a criminal.

[364] Shit.

[365] To have someone second guess of you and question your whereabouts to feel that unmistakable humorous chuckle in me trying to suppress itself while a very strong police officer keeps asking you, where were you?

[366] How do you know that?

[367] Yeah.

[368] How did this happen?

[369] Maybe you could use this story?

[370] I'd be happy to work on it.

[371] Love your show.

[372] You're too bad.

[373] You don't get to work on it.

[374] Brendan, you worked hard enough by going through it.

[375] We don't want the work done story.

[376] We want the fucking, we want the vomitous, like, train of thought.

[377] The raw feed from your brain.

[378] That's, that would be so scary.

[379] Because then you start acting suspicious, knowing how suspicious you look.

[380] It's like when you think someone thinks that you're stealing something from a store, so you, like, put your arms in the air and walk around with your arms in the day.

[381] I'm not stealing anything.

[382] Yes.

[383] As you do.

[384] And your purse is filled with bananas and stuff.

[385] It's just bananas.

[386] You just love bananas.

[387] They don't sell bananas there.

[388] You can't afford bananas.

[389] It's just Banana Republic.

[390] And they're like, why are you stealing bananas?

[391] we don't sell bananas here well i don't like any of your clothes well i stole these bananas from someone else elsewhere elsewhere and i'm you're dropping them off here because you're a banana republic this is nonsensical corner with karen that was those were all wonderful yeah i wish we could read 60 at a time we're just get we're getting through them as quick as we can we should just do a daily minisode yes we really should can you imagine how much time people wouldn't get sick of that No, and we wouldn't go out of our fucking minds.

[392] No. Someday.

[393] Anyway, keep them coming, everybody.

[394] My favorite murder at gmail .com.

[395] Thanks to you guys.

[396] Good review, subscribe on iTunes, please.

[397] On I. It's a different, it's not iTunes.

[398] It's a different site.

[399] And thanks for listening.

[400] Oh, and I was just going to say stay sex.

[401] Well, I was just going to say don't get murdered.

[402] Bye.

[403] Bye.

[404] I just want a cookie?

[405] Want a mini cookie?

[406] Good boy.

[407] That's a yes.

[408] Boy.