Eric Andre Returns

[0] Hi, my name is Eric Andre.

[1] And I feel moist about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Fantastic.

[3] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Hey there.

[6] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[7] I am joined by my compatriots.

[8] Sonam of Sessian.

[9] How are you, Sona?

[10] Hi.

[11] You seem a little prickly today about something.

[12] I don't know what's going on, but we'll find out soon.

[13] What are you talking about?

[14] I'm going.

[15] Hi.

[16] Matt Gourley.

[17] Hi.

[18] How are you?

[19] I'm pretty good.

[20] How are you?

[21] I'm doing very well.

[22] You're okay.

[23] Yeah, you're okay.

[24] I'm doing very well.

[25] Do I really seem prickly?

[26] You came in a little hot today.

[27] I didn't know what was going on.

[28] I think she's responding to you.

[29] Yeah, you said I was the dumbest person you ever met before we started to really.

[30] I never know.

[31] recording.

[32] Oh, yeah.

[33] Wait a minute.

[34] Then you said, no, I meant the worst person I ever met.

[35] Yes, that's right, right.

[36] So I corrected it.

[37] You're not the dumbest.

[38] You're the worst.

[39] Yes.

[40] So why would that get you all?

[41] I'm not pretty stupid.

[42] I'm fine.

[43] Stupid.

[44] I like that.

[45] Can we just start calling me stupid?

[46] Yes, you can.

[47] Hey, stupid.

[48] But how are you in general?

[49] How are you?

[50] I'm good.

[51] I'm fine.

[52] You know, I was checking my wound.

[53] It's fine.

[54] I'm okay.

[55] What do you have?

[56] I cut my finger cutting zucchini, but I'm okay.

[57] It's fine.

[58] What were you making?

[59] What, uh...

[60] I was just roasting zucchini.

[61] And then I did it on a mandolin and I sliced a piece of my finger off.

[62] That's your question.

[63] Do your kids eat all kinds of food?

[64] Are they super picky?

[65] They eat all kinds.

[66] They do.

[67] That's amazing.

[68] Well, it's just because we, you know, we give them a lot of ethnic food and then they just eat a lot of things.

[69] We tried that with when my kids were little, especially my son, so picky.

[70] Just wouldn't, you know, super suspicious that everything was poison and would only eat very specific things.

[71] But I've been around you.

[72] They're eating everything.

[73] You just like can pull something out of the lawn and they'll eat it.

[74] It's incredible.

[75] And we do sometimes.

[76] We just go out there and get something and just put it.

[77] Well, often it's just grass.

[78] Yeah, which is weird.

[79] I don't think there's any nutritional value to that.

[80] You put enough spices on it.

[81] It's fine.

[82] They just look like kids that eat everything.

[83] They do.

[84] They eat a lot.

[85] I mean, but Beckett eats now.

[86] Okay, we don't use his name on this podcast.

[87] You've said his name many times.

[88] A lot of times.

[89] Never.

[90] His name's Rick.

[91] His name's Rick.

[92] Yeah.

[93] I wish.

[94] I wish.

[95] This is Rick O 'Brien, my son.

[96] I think I had a pretty good save there.

[97] Yeah, pretty solid.

[98] But Rick E's alive.

[99] If anyone's mad at me, they'll be like, where is that Rick O 'Brien?

[100] No, no, he's good, but I'm seeing as little kids.

[101] I was very picky eater.

[102] I was very, very picky.

[103] Were you?

[104] Which doesn't work because it was one of six.

[105] There's kids.

[106] There's a bunch of kids in my family, and I was one of six.

[107] You probably got food hand -me -downs.

[108] Yeah.

[109] I'm like, this doesn't, this hamburger doesn't fit me. Yeah.

[110] This hamburger fits Neil.

[111] The hem's on this hot dog are too long.

[112] None of that makes sense.

[113] It's just stupid.

[114] Apologies all around.

[115] But the point I'm trying to make is that I remembered once saying to my dad, he was serving us all something, you know, putting it all on the table.

[116] And I said, don't you know I don't like this.

[117] And my father said, why would I know what you like or what you don't like?

[118] And you know what?

[119] Oh, my God.

[120] He said, why would I know what you like or what you don't like?

[121] And look, I'm not putting my dad down because I actually.

[122] think he has a point.

[123] And then he went out to call you Rick.

[124] Lesson here, Rick.

[125] You're going to shut up and you're going to eat that marshmallow and potato sandwich.

[126] This was a rare moment of candor from my father.

[127] And he was kind of just saying, there's six kids.

[128] There's a bunch of animals running around the house, like pets, dogs, cats, my brother Luke had parakeets.

[129] Your grandmother lives with us.

[130] Both parents work full time.

[131] And then suddenly this kid with an orange bowl hair cut is saying, don't you know this isn't my favorite repast?

[132] My father said, I barely know who you are.

[133] Shut up, open your gob and shove it in.

[134] Were you thinking he would just go make you a special meal that was different from everyone else's?

[135] I think for a second, I just, you know, whatever was put in front of me and was like, no, I don't you know, I don't eat swordfish?

[136] Don't you know?

[137] And I, you know, this was the 70s.

[138] Nixon was resigning.

[139] You know, it was a tough time.

[140] What does it happen?

[141] Oh, that changed people's appetites across the nation.

[142] Oh, okay.

[143] I think we were all just on edge about inflation and what's Ford going to do and what's this new show?

[144] Sarnat Live.

[145] Oh, Chevy Chase left.

[146] Will the show ever continue?

[147] And that was the mood of the times.

[148] And then here I am saying, I'm not sure this fish is my favorite.

[149] Father.

[150] Father!

[151] Hello!

[152] Ding, ding, ding, ding.

[153] Ding, ding, I had a spoon and I was banging it on a cup that said, yeah, it said Nixon in 74, and I'm like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, father!

[154] Oh, God, it's probably real.

[155] This cod is not quite to my liking.

[156] I like it embroiled, not fried.

[157] And he was like, what?

[158] Shut up.

[159] Eat it.

[160] I don't even know which one you are.

[161] Which one are you?

[162] Are you even one of ours?

[163] Are you a boy?

[164] Are you a girl?

[165] Are you one of the pets?

[166] He's asking all these questions out loud.

[167] He's asking him out loud.

[168] And I'm like, well, first of all, as we can all tell, I'm all boy.

[169] Second of all, I'm the one we call Conan.

[170] Third from the top and forth from the bottom.

[171] La -la -l -l -l -l -l -la.

[172] Then neighborhood bullies came in through the window in my own house and beat the shit out of me. Oh, my God.

[173] Father, father.

[174] Help me. I would have been one of those.

[175] My father was like, here's, here's 20 bucks.

[176] Kid him, hit him again.

[177] I think this is truly the first time I felt pity for you.

[178] I actually feel for you.

[179] Really?

[180] Yeah, because it felt real.

[181] And I do want to, I do love my dad and he's a great dad.

[182] And it's still, to this day, a great dad.

[183] But yeah, did he think constantly about what my desires were?

[184] No, because it was a different time.

[185] It was the depression.

[186] No. For me, the depression includes part of my first 10 years of my life.

[187] The depression goes from 1929 to 1979 because it includes my depression as a child.

[188] Anyway, we've got a lot to talk about.

[189] Oh, God.

[190] Yeah.

[191] We'll pick up more on that.

[192] Father!

[193] Father, the toilet seat on the third floor is vinyl and that's not how I like to ride.

[194] And you know that, father.

[195] Your poor dad.

[196] My guest today is a hilarious comedian and host of the Eric Andre show on Adult Swim, which is now in its sixth season.

[197] This man delights me. I'm thrilled.

[198] He's with us.

[199] Eric Andre, welcome.

[200] You launched into this room full of pep and energy.

[201] And you are jacked.

[202] You're in good shape.

[203] I'm not in great shape, but I'll take it.

[204] You are?

[205] I've been drinking a little bit.

[206] When I drink, I get a little pudgy.

[207] When I don't.

[208] drink slim up you slim up real good but i had my 40th birthday party a month ago and it lasted and yeah and i just you went crazy i like cocktails what can i say what's your favorite cocktail what do you like all of them um i don't know it's kind of like what's your favorite album it's an unfair question you're right it's it i'm insulted that you would ask such a thing no i like a rum old fashion i like rum i like rum i love rum a lot i love rum you got a pirate kind of vibe to you I do have a pirate vibe.

[209] And when I'm on rum, I just sprout an eyepatch and a pirate.

[210] And it just grows out of me and I, God, I love rum.

[211] Yeah, it's fun.

[212] And then I like to fight people.

[213] You know, a lot of rum history started in Massachusetts.

[214] Massachusetts was a huge rum producer back in the day.

[215] Back in the day.

[216] So you got it in your veins, brother?

[217] Are you from Massachusetts?

[218] Well, originally from Ireland.

[219] But then we hung out in Massachusetts for a while before they.

[220] You weren't born in Ireland.

[221] No. But it's so funny.

[222] You're from Boston, aren't you?

[223] Yeah, I'm from Boston.

[224] But it's so funny, because my name's Conan O 'Brien and I look the way they do, so many people think, ah, she's from Dublin.

[225] And I'm like, no, I grew up in Massachusetts.

[226] You were born in Ireland?

[227] No, no, no. I was born in Massachusetts.

[228] Why did you lie to me?

[229] I didn't.

[230] What did I say?

[231] Did I lie?

[232] I don't think I did.

[233] I'm asking my judge.

[234] He goes, I'm, I started in Ireland and then I moved to Massachusetts.

[235] You did.

[236] Thank you.

[237] You did say I started in Ireland.

[238] Yes.

[239] It was very strange.

[240] that's weird i subconsciously lied to you i why did i do that you're strange man you're drunk on rum well i'm gonna say right now this is a coke zero it's got nothing in it no i started out in lebanon then it was off to ireland for my dreams to come true then i made my way to boston because i heard that was the show business capital of the world oh yeah turns out that was a mistake oh right under the sick ostein that's where everybody it all happens that's where it all happens that's where they film Goodfellas and Godfather.

[241] All good movies start right underneath the Sitco sign.

[242] Right under the sitcom sign.

[243] Next to Fenway Park.

[244] That's right.

[245] Okay, I'm going to make sense of this because we have things to talk about.

[246] Tell me everything.

[247] We can't be screwing around.

[248] This is a serious interview.

[249] Do you feel distracted?

[250] Am I creating a distracting environment?

[251] I think you should go.

[252] I think I want to continue my interview with Eric Andre without Eric Andre.

[253] Because you're, yeah, your distraction.

[254] I'm sorry.

[255] You're getting in the way of my interview with you.

[256] Yeah.

[257] I love you.

[258] You're a great.

[259] I love you too.

[260] You're a very funny man. You're a very creative man. You're a force for good.

[261] Thank you.

[262] I'm, so I was very excited that I'd be seeing you today.

[263] It was over Zoom and then today you come bursting in the door.

[264] Yeah.

[265] We hugged.

[266] Yeah, we kissed.

[267] I felt we kissed for quite a long time.

[268] You became moist.

[269] I felt your musculature.

[270] Then we fought for a bit, which surprised me. It didn't surprise me. It shocked me. You took the first swing i came right i blocked it came right back it was and then i was doing major uh kickboxing on you you were shocked i did tie bow i did tie bow on you which isn't a good defense no it's a very good exercise great exercise not a good you weren't even facing me as you did tie bow and it made me easy to hit i just was hitting you with a chair and you were humbling me i'm bleeding out and then you started doing squats as i punched you in the face i don't know i don't understand any of it but And now we're here.

[271] Very, very, very happy to have you here and so glad that your show is, you've got a new season of the show coming out, which people absolutely adore.

[272] You've got great people on the show this year.

[273] You always get terrific guests.

[274] You always get great people to play along.

[275] But who's who we got this?

[276] It's like John Hamm.

[277] I don't remember.

[278] Oh, John Hamm.

[279] Yeah.

[280] Little Nas X. Yeah.

[281] Good friend of mine.

[282] Lil Yadi.

[283] A lot of Lil's.

[284] Yeah, a lot of little.

[285] Porn star Mia Khalifa, who you're going to pretend you don't know any of her.

[286] work Conan.

[287] Oh my God.

[288] This morning I did a nine -hour deep dive on her work.

[289] She enunciates the dialogue very well.

[290] That's what she's known for.

[291] Her diction is perfect.

[292] I am a pentameter.

[293] I didn't notice anything else.

[294] You've got this great trajectory, which is you made this show up completely.

[295] It's like sheer force of will.

[296] You pretty much made it all happen.

[297] yourself in a lot of ways, right?

[298] At the beginning, this was a homegrown project.

[299] Yeah, it was a junkyard show.

[300] It was you, and you were like, when you put together your show, you were living on couches.

[301] Yeah.

[302] Yeah.

[303] I was like sleeping outside.

[304] I would sleep in like little parks because I was too afraid to sleep in Central Park.

[305] So I was sleeping like St. Varton's Park in Murray Hill and like I would pick little, and I had toothbrushes all around town and I would hit you had two toothbrushes hidden in the park.

[306] Yeah.

[307] I had just hidden in the park.

[308] I think it was third rock from the pond to the left.

[309] Here it is, Oral B with Censinine.

[310] I would do stand -up at night.

[311] I would do over mics and I would ask the audience if I could sleep over and sleep on their couches.

[312] And you meant it.

[313] And I meant it.

[314] And I meant it.

[315] Wow.

[316] Did it heat up in here or am I excited?

[317] What do you mean?

[318] Don't you feel like it gets hotter than when we started?

[319] Yeah, that's your body heat.

[320] You think it's just...

[321] You're glowing.

[322] You were glowing.

[323] I'm pregnant.

[324] There's an omelet cooking on your shoulder.

[325] It got hotter.

[326] I think it got hotter because I don't mean to flatter myself.

[327] But I think you saw me. I did.

[328] And I think you thought, shit, I'm sitting with that Conan O 'Brien.

[329] That's right.

[330] And you had to up your game.

[331] I looked into those Lebanese eyes and I knew.

[332] Lebanese Irish eyes.

[333] And you knew you had to take it up a notch.

[334] That's right.

[335] Your hair looks good, man. It looks okay.

[336] It's been pushed back by my...

[337] No, it looks good.

[338] Looks okay.

[339] It's a wig.

[340] I bought it for me...

[341] I bought it from the estate of Lucille Ball.

[342] The only thing is that it straps around my chin with a little strap.

[343] That's the thing that always gives it away.

[344] Sometimes it slides back like a Yamaha.

[345] I wouldn't have it any other way.

[346] Okay, so, I mean...

[347] Let's focus.

[348] I want to get, but I want to get before the show where you...

[349] Your first passion is music and you...

[350] Yeah, jazz.

[351] I went to jazz in your neck of the woods, Berkeley College of Music.

[352] That's right.

[353] You went to Berkeley College of Music, which is still, I was there not too long ago and I was walking around near the Berkeley College of Music.

[354] And everybody that was so funny, I saw a kid hustling to class late and he was holding the largest, I don't know if what, like cello case.

[355] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[356] And it was just, yeah, and running to class holding a giant 60 -pound cello case that dwarfed this person.

[357] Yeah, yeah.

[358] I had an upright bass.

[359] I would bring the upright bass to class on my head because I was so tired of schlepping it.

[360] What a cool instrument, though, the upright bass.

[361] It's cool, but it is not a good career choice or life choice.

[362] So if I had a choice between like, and let's say the goal was to make a ton of money, hedge fund or playing jazz stand -up bass, what do you think is the better way to go?

[363] Well, I think you know the answer to that, brother.

[364] Yeah, okay.

[365] And that's why I work at a hedge fund now.

[366] I think it'd be great if it came out that you and I co -founded a hedge fund and it was just killing it, but it was very unethical.

[367] Oh, yeah.

[368] Really, like, we were doing really unethical stuff.

[369] Ponzi schemes.

[370] Yeah, and people were saying, I don't understand.

[371] Conan O 'Brien, Eric Andre, team up.

[372] But what are they doing?

[373] We're buying lower -income housing, we're evicting people.

[374] We're tearing it down, and then we're selling it to a nuclear problem.

[375] power plants and it's got a name that isn't even it's it's got some name like stylex but you know what's interesting and talk about this that you am i getting you off track because you have a specific question i don't i really don't are you sure well it's mostly about financial stuff do you want to know how much is in my bank account i should do a show where that's what it's all about let's get down to it and we really crunch it and then we have uh we have your accountant call in and go, well, okay, no, he's land rich.

[376] He's got a lot of properties, but, you know, I would like us to have more liquidity.

[377] And then we really crunch it down, because that's what people want to know about you, Eric.

[378] Yeah, uh -huh.

[379] The comedy is not interesting to people.

[380] I agree.

[381] No one watches you, most of your fan base.

[382] I mean, I think you famously said your fan base is like college dudes and black skateboarders.

[383] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[384] I was like, that's a perfect description.

[385] That is my demo.

[386] But, but no, they don't.

[387] You know what?

[388] I just moved here.

[389] I moved back to New York.

[390] We're in New York City right now, yeah.

[391] After 15 years, I know I. And I was like, I need to go to a neighborhood.

[392] My profile is a little bit higher than when I was here last and homeless.

[393] What's like a quiet, safe neighborhood?

[394] Everyone will leave me alone.

[395] The East Village.

[396] That's where none of my demographic will.

[397] True.

[398] And I was wrong.

[399] You were wrong.

[400] I was dead wrong.

[401] Well, here's the thing.

[402] When you...

[403] Remember what I said about college bros and black skateboarders.

[404] You were wrong.

[405] That's their mecca.

[406] You need to be in, like, living in Jackie Onassis' old neighborhood, like on the Upper East Side.

[407] I was going to say the same thing.

[408] Where everybody's, I don't like to generalize, but I'm just going to say there's a certain neighborhood where most people are very old, very white, very rich.

[409] Yeah.

[410] And they probably don't watch adult swim or the air.

[411] They don't watch adult swim.

[412] They don't know who I am.

[413] They think I'm a very, they think I'm an actress who's aging poorly.

[414] They're like, Conan, I loved you in Tar.

[415] I'm like, why did you know my name was Conan then?

[416] and they say like well I fucked up the joke and then we get real deconstructy they're like Julianne Moore has been drinking poor Julianne Moore is getting people see me around and go oh my God poor Julianne Moore what happened and then people come up to her and say you were looking pretty rough I saw you walking down the street with Eric Andre no what are you talking about Are all actors completely psychotic and emotionally disturbed?

[417] Have you ever met a single actor who is like, hey, I'm grounded, I go to therapy, and there's nothing wrong with me?

[418] They're all like, every single actor I've ever met, completely.

[419] There's always one exception that proves the rule, you know, one.

[420] There's one that's like a nice, balanced person.

[421] Yeah, Tom Hank seems like a normal person.

[422] unless he's committing a string of serial crimes in the Pacific Northwest that nobody knows about.

[423] But you're right.

[424] Most people that get into the performing arts not well.

[425] And myself included, we're not well.

[426] I'm not an actor, but I'm not well.

[427] And so it's got...

[428] Should I start Zoloft?

[429] I have Zoloft in my medicine cabinet and I'm just looking at it.

[430] And I'm like, should I do another decade of crippling anxiety?

[431] and...

[432] Now, so did you get the prescription?

[433] Or did you...

[434] I stole it.

[435] Or you found this.

[436] One man's trash.

[437] Another man's trash.

[438] The expiration date is like...

[439] That's when they really hit when they're expired.

[440] Yeah, it's from the first Bush administration, the elder bush.

[441] Those have just basically turned into salt now.

[442] They're not even a medication anymore.

[443] And they're delicious, brother.

[444] They're like anchovies from Sicily.

[445] Okay, so let's talk about this, because this is something that I do think we need to explore, which is you talk a lot about your crippling anxiety, and yet you have chosen this form of comedy, which I would find to be the most anxiety producing of all, which is pranks terrify me. When I've been around them or when people have wanted me to sort of participate in a prank, I've been terrified.

[446] Really?

[447] Something's going to go wrong.

[448] You exude confidence.

[449] Also, you're so giant, you're like Paul Bunyan.

[450] I can't imagine you.

[451] You, Howard, and Sasha Baron Cohen are so gigantic.

[452] You guys just all exude confidence to me. But it's also, you're just so high up there that it's like.

[453] But it's like, but the personality is formed when you're young and afraid and your brothers are beating the shit out of you.

[454] And that's when the personality is formed.

[455] And you never change.

[456] And you're going to school with carrot red hair and two front teeth.

[457] that are dead and freckles and um you don't have two front teeth that are dead i did when i was a little kid my i fell in the driveway and my two front teeth died and my parents said well the you know dentists back then were like leave them in the other ones will come out in a few years and so i walked around these two gray teeth in front it looked like corn that had rotted you were like a chimney sweep yes 19th century and i had a bowl haircut that my mother insisted on i looked like the wendy's girl on crack you know and i'd stumble around and boston is a tough that's a tough town yeah yeah they weren't people are tough there yeah there was a lot of running away uh i remember running away from people a lot and um pranks oh for a person with anxiety how can i do such anxiety provoking yes things um i think that's actually part of it and i've talked to my therapist about it a lot and i think it has something to do, I think my anxiety, ADD, and my OCD, they're all, they're all in a band together.

[458] They're all jamming out together.

[459] And I think the only time I feel alive, that was in my head, but I didn't want to say it.

[460] I was like, I can't say that.

[461] Like, I'm like, the guitar player from Aerosmith, the only time I feel alive is when I'm doing something like that's so high stakes and threatening my life that helps me focus maybe that's me trying to like but my fear my fear would not be that i would get hurt my fear would be that someone else might get hurt mostly or physically no no um well both but physically too like you're shooting something or someone it's it's supposed to look like someone got badly hurt but they didn't but someone what if someone else rushed in and then they got hurt yeah i don't know i i that's that's always the thing it's in my mind which is why i don't think about it that much yeah i i got going to it blind yeah well i think it helps that you're a sociopath that also helps my medulla is the size of a popcorn kernel is that what sociopaths have they have like a neurological thing we scanned you i want to jack most when we when you were downstairs in the serious building uh getting your quote pass we also scanned your minds yeah sociopath yeah yeah you have entry you have no frontal or lateral lobes at all there's just nothing there i'm like that guy phineas gauge i got a railroad spike through my oh my god frontal lobe you knew his name you knew his name i'm a big finnius gauge fan are you kidding me i love his work i got his album this is the guy that accidentally got a railroad spike in his head and then lived for a long time right yeah so he's like an early early 20th century yeah or maybe even late late 19th century he got a railroad spike through his first frontal lobe question mark we're going to say and it didn't kill him but it like uh changed his behavior and uh he thought he was a chute chu train he used to say i'm leaving the station woo woo that's okay finnius okay all right no yeah he got really cool after he got the spike through his head it was like punk rock it was like a body mod my god i can imagine a guy like that getting all that attention and then today he'd get a whole bunch of attention on Instagram and he'd blow up and everyone would be talking about Phineas Gage and Spicer's head and I know that two weeks later he'd see it start to drop.

[462] And so he'd say it's time to have another piece of metal blasted into my head from in a different direction and he'd be instantly killed.

[463] But he'd spike again.

[464] Yeah, but yeah.

[465] He'd go out.

[466] He'd go out.

[467] Trending.

[468] Back then, you could have a whole lifetime being, hey, you're Phineas Gage, the guy that got a railroad spike through the head high five me not anymore and then it's like yeah no the spike thing was cool but that's so in 1998 yeah what have you done lately the good old days are behind us man you could just get one railroad spike through the head and you'd be on easy street for the rest of your career so this leads to my next question have you ever done a sketch and adult swim was like okay not not that one we're not going to do that one they ever cut we had a pro al qaeda country song That's the only one that it was like, oh, sweet Al -Qaeda, can't believe I never tried you.

[469] And what was the point of view of this country singer that, you know, Al -Qaeda's been, it's been a nut, we've been shitting on them too much and it's time for them to catch a break.

[470] Yeah, it was like there's a lot of anti -Al Qaeda sentiment.

[471] They need like a PR shake -up.

[472] And so they have a country song.

[473] Yeah, so he had a country singer, he could come in and sing a pro -Al -Qaeda country song.

[474] And they, that's the only thing they ever cut.

[475] And I'm, like, defecating on my desk every other interview.

[476] And they're like, eh, no problem.

[477] Right.

[478] In front of celebrities.

[479] Right.

[480] Have you had, only dilated?

[481] Have you had celebrities walkout?

[482] Yeah.

[483] Who's walked out?

[484] The rapper, T .I. walked out.

[485] And Lauren Conrad, the reality TV show.

[486] Oh, from the hills or something?

[487] Don't act like you don't know.

[488] No, no, I'm not.

[489] We dated and then we were married and then divorced, then remarried, then divorced again.

[490] That was a long.

[491] time ago that was weeks ago yeah yeah so uh she walked out because she didn't like the flavor of your question um i vomited on the desk during i thought you slightly you put something you phrased something in in a slightly insulting way you misspoke and she walked out no it's i vomited i vomited and then i slurped the vomit back off okay that's good she didn't think that was cool yeah a little too blue my my real achievement was i had a guest walk out before I even interviewed them, which was, yeah, he's a famous director, Abel Farrar.

[492] Oh, I know.

[493] I love Able Farrer.

[494] Yeah, he's genius, and he showed up, and he just had a panic attack.

[495] He was watching me on the monitor, and he had a panic attack.

[496] This is when we were in Rockford Center, and he just said, I'm out!

[497] And he ran towards the elevator and got on the elevator, and the segment producer, Frank Smiley chased him and lost him, but then found him, and there was a bar.

[498] on the street level, I think, called Hurley's, that was, and found him there.

[499] And said, like, come on, you got to come back.

[500] And he was like, oh, okay, okay.

[501] He pulled him back.

[502] Really?

[503] So he made it just in time.

[504] But the idea that I actually had a guest walk before I even spoke to them was quite an achievement.

[505] What did you do?

[506] What did you say?

[507] It wasn't anything I, I think he just got really nervous.

[508] I think he saw me and said, I can't talk to that.

[509] That crazy man with the pastry for hair.

[510] I can't talk to him.

[511] So he ran away, which is quite.

[512] Yeah.

[513] Have you had pranks go awry or maybe you're in it and it's not happening the way you want it to go?

[514] Yeah, that's all.

[515] That's every day.

[516] That's every time you shoot a prank.

[517] Going awry means different things to different people.

[518] So going awry.

[519] Going awry can be great.

[520] Yeah, going awry is I'm in the going awry business.

[521] But it not getting anywhere, the prank being a dud happens constantly.

[522] You have to shoot so much more than actually airs.

[523] I think bad trip, probably we shot.

[524] The final movie, you're only seeing like 30 % of the stuff we should.

[525] Right, right.

[526] Well, that proves the thing I've been saying forever, which is to me, and it doesn't just apply to comedy, but when you see something that you really like, it's all about what you didn't show.

[527] Because I do think there are people that would look at your stuff and think, yeah, that's just, anytime you go out and do anything, it's all going to be magic all the time.

[528] No, 90 % of it is unwatchable, garbage, trash.

[529] Jesus, take it easy, man. You okay?

[530] You still have those pills?

[531] Are they handy?

[532] Can you get to them?

[533] I snort Zoloft.

[534] Don't snort Zoloff.

[535] That's not how it works.

[536] Oh, in a few weeks it's going to kick in, man. I wish that you would get on a mood stabilizer so powerful that it was a giant pill.

[537] And like a horse, they had to put it in a tube and blow it into your mouth.

[538] why why do you want that for me because it would it would just be funny for me like it's time it's time eric you're like oh shit you open your mouth and they come in with a big tube and they get a veterinarian to do it or else they have a dart gun that they and they chase you with it and you're trying to get away get him in the carotid like i'm harambe or something i got a three -year -old in my hand ripping him around I wish drinking was good for you.

[539] Wouldn't that be great?

[540] It would solve all my problems.

[541] It was filled rich with vitamins and antioxidants.

[542] Turns out ethanol is poison.

[543] It's concentrated poison.

[544] I'm like, yeah, that's a problem.

[545] I also wish regular exercise shortened your life.

[546] Yes.

[547] I wish exercise, shorten your life, drinking alcohols full of butter.

[548] Imagine going to the doctor and he's like, what are you even doing?

[549] Well, I jog.

[550] I also do weights three days times a week, and I try and get my heart rate up at least six times a week.

[551] Okay, we've got to stop that now.

[552] Are you drinking?

[553] Well, water?

[554] Oh, God.

[555] No, no, no, no, no. Sugary, fruity rum drinks.

[556] You need to drink so many of them that when you wake up in the morning, you wish you were dead.

[557] You wish that you were dead.

[558] You've got a piniacalado machine behind.

[559] You're going to need this.

[560] Back in the day, doctors would smoke cigarettes in the office.

[561] Yeah, while they were talking to you about your lung x -ray.

[562] That's insane.

[563] You know what's crazy, though?

[564] There are these people, like Winston Churchill, obviously an example of that guy.

[565] That health nut?

[566] He hated vegetarians.

[567] He called them bean eaters.

[568] Those bean eaters.

[569] And but he ate and he drank constantly.

[570] And all he'd eat was like roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

[571] And he's drinking and he's power smoking cigars all day long.

[572] dies at like 94.

[573] Are you serious?

[574] He lived a really long time.

[575] It's not fair.

[576] And all these friends of his around him were, you know, saying, Winston, please, get a hold of yourself, man. And one of my favorite quotes is Peter O'Toole, one of the greatest, you know, actors of all time late in life.

[577] They said, what are you doing now that you've retired, like, Sir O'Toole because he's been made a, you know, he's knighted.

[578] And he said, they said, what do you up to these days?

[579] because you're acting less what are you doing and he said how do you spend your time and he said i uh i attend the funerals of friends of mine who took exercise he's a legendary drinker just drank his way through the 60s and like all those guys and in george burns cigars till he was like 101 years old yeah so what does that mean is it all genetics is it just a genetic crapshoot yeah they do or should i start doing hg hg now and all crazy you should Dwayne the Rock Johnson kind of drugs.

[580] I should, oh, that's a myth.

[581] It's all pure with Dwayne.

[582] He's 75 years old and he's...

[583] No, what do I do?

[584] All joking aside, I do think it's been shown that the cigarette thing is probably a gene, meaning there are people genetically.

[585] They don't, I don't think they've isolated that gene, but there are people who can smoke and they're much less, less, less, less likely to get any kind of lung cancer.

[586] My guess is that Keith Richards is like one of those people, you know?

[587] It's insane.

[588] To inhale the combustion of tobacco.

[589] Steadily.

[590] Steadily.

[591] Since, you know, since 1957, I think Keith Richards started smoking in the crib.

[592] And then, yeah, but he...

[593] But what about all the drinking?

[594] Winston Churchill was like, he was like Jack Kerouac.

[595] He was like, glug, glug, glug, glug.

[596] That's another thing, too, where I think he was drinking throughout the day but not no he was not jack carrowack he was not a blackout drunk he was not drinking and um like that he was drinking in a different way he was drinking in this sophisticated english imperialist way he was drinking it's five o 'clock somewhere is his quote he would drink gin like all day wouldn't he i don't but i don't think he was i don't think it was glug glug glug drinking that's all i'm saying is and i also think it helps when you're an imperial power When you're, you know, colonialists, they're just, there's something about that system that preserves the organs.

[597] It doesn't make any sense.

[598] No, everything I'm saying is.

[599] So should I take over a country?

[600] Yes.

[601] Should I take over like a small Caribbean island, make a monocrop system?

[602] Yes, and if you exploit their resources for your good.

[603] Coal ball.

[604] Yeah, exactly.

[605] And then underpay them, you can drink all you want.

[606] Oh.

[607] And you'll live forever.

[608] I like the way this is going.

[609] I'm off to Papau, New Guinea.

[610] You are an essentially good person, but I keep convincing you to get a hedge fund.

[611] Yep.

[612] Be a slum lord.

[613] Become a slum lord.

[614] Yeah.

[615] And then colonize other countries for your own good.

[616] All right.

[617] That's all you take out of this thing.

[618] I think I heard you say once that it's...

[619] Did I answer a single one of your questions?

[620] No, but that's not the point of this.

[621] Are you sure?

[622] I was, I was, I was, no, no, you're doing very well.

[623] I was homeless, I was anxious.

[624] No, no, no, but we, you know, this is, this is my method.

[625] Okay.

[626] And this is my way of helping you.

[627] Okay.

[628] By not answering the questions, you're answering the ultimate question.

[629] Wow.

[630] Yeah, incredible.

[631] That's a fucking trip, man. Yeah, yeah.

[632] I own that quote now.

[633] Hashtag Conan wrote that.

[634] You're Howard Stern's favorite interview.

[635] That's got to feel good.

[636] It does feel good.

[637] That's got to be, that would be my Oscar.

[638] That would be beyond an Oscar.

[639] I'd still, I'd prefer the Oscar.

[640] Because if I had an Oscar, you know what I would do?

[641] I would have it bolted to the hood of my car.

[642] No way people always act kind of coy, like, oh, no, it's at home or it's in the broom closet.

[643] No, I would have it mounted on the hood of my car and drive around and then act surprise when people notice it.

[644] If I had a cable ace award, I would be doing that.

[645] I would duct tape it to the front of my door.

[646] I love that you even know what a cable ace award.

[647] I came up through the Cable Ace Awards.

[648] Cable Ace Awards raised me. Your mother was the Cable Ace Awards.

[649] You suckled at the teeth of the Cable Ace Awards.

[650] Cable Ace Awards.

[651] Shaped my worldview, brother.

[652] Let me explain to our listeners who are very young and doesn't know what a cable ace is.

[653] But a long time ago, they had a separate award show for Cable and it was really looked down on.

[654] Like now, HBO just gets the Emmy like anyone else.

[655] but back then it was the Cable Ace Awards and when I first got to L .A. I was nominated for a Cable Ace Award and I went to a Cable Ace Award show and it was my introduction to the world because I was working on an HBO show but it was back when you got HBO at a at a you know like I want to watch HBO let's go find a motel and check into it I went to a Cable Ace Awards and just and I've never been to an award show before I'm 22 I'm from Boston by way of Ireland and Lebanon and I'm excited.

[656] and I'm sitting in the audience and someone came out with a headset and a clipboard and said ladies and gentlemen at the top of the show they were a group of temptations are going to come out or the four tops I forget which but let's say it's the four tops the four tops you're going to come out you're going to sing a medley of their hits they'll be dressed as spacemen they will have pretend laser guns the lasers will be added later in special effects when they all in unison point a laser all of you please go Ooh, as if a laser has been fired.

[657] Thank you very much.

[658] And I was like, what?

[659] And then, ladies and gentlemen, what one of the cable A's awards, 1985?

[660] It's the four tops.

[661] Sugar pie, honey -ho, sugar pie, kazoo!

[662] And we all went, woo, sugar pie, you don't want to be, ka -zing.

[663] Wow!

[664] And I thought, oh, show business is complete, embarrassing bullshit.

[665] It's the most embarrassing.

[666] I wish I was an attorney I wish I was a tax attorney who worked in a big office tower I'm just sad for everybody That's insane That was the Cable Ace Awards And so You're so much younger than me How do you even know?

[667] That's not true Yes it is true You are 20 years younger than me No I don't believe that Okay Well I know I look amazing I mean I fucking look amazing Can you tell people can't see right now But I'm not wearing a shirt And my chest is oiled and it's that's a you should be like my eyes are up here honey you're like um you've I mean you intentionally gained a whole much of weight yeah for the prior season yeah the season five and then for this season season six I got shredded so when you when you gained you gained a lot of weight I gained 40 I wasn't good at it It was like fluctuating a lot.

[668] You can see my weight fluctuate throughout the throughout the episodes.

[669] And it was probably 40, 45 pounds.

[670] It was fun.

[671] It was awesome.

[672] That was the most fun body modification.

[673] That was like pizza at night, all the pinia colladas you could ingest, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at night.

[674] And then you get really depressed.

[675] But in the beginning, it's fucking awesome.

[676] But what?

[677] sucks is I never had I am older and I never had problems with weight ever I was always skinny and I could always eat whatever I want but after that season I like your fat cells when they expand they they just go oh I can do that now and now for the first time I have to like watch what I eat and I can't drink as much as I want and it I permanently jacked myself up and what do you uh And then I got shredded for this season.

[678] And then as soon as I wrapped, we wrapped last year, shooting this season.

[679] And the second I wrapped, I ate like an entire unsliced pizza.

[680] And then I went to bed.

[681] And then I woke back up.

[682] And then I ate like six bagels.

[683] And then I went to Portugal and I drank like 40 gallons of wine.

[684] And then it just all went, like all came crashing down.

[685] Well, you still look good.

[686] You look, I mean, this is, you know, when you came in, I thought like, no, he's looking good.

[687] looking good.

[688] It's a lot more, I'm wearing a lot more sweatpants and a lot less jeans.

[689] That's a sign that I'm a little thick, calling it thick to work.

[690] When I take my shirt off, I look like an orangutan about to breastfeed.

[691] So very maternal.

[692] That's great.

[693] Just voluptuous brown.

[694] A male orangutan about to breastfeed, which is very rare.

[695] Those are the rarest orangutans of all.

[696] I, you know, what I can identify as I think we were both the same this way as I had this great run, right, a crazy high metabolism.

[697] And I could not.

[698] So in my 20s and 30s, and I look at pictures of myself from that era.

[699] And I was eating like a maniac.

[700] Disgusting big.

[701] And I have a very clear memory of getting lunch.

[702] And this is when I'm at SNL and Dana Carvey's there.

[703] And he's watching me. And I order a cheeseburger and French fries.

[704] I order a chocolate ice cream soda with chocolate ice cream and then when that's done I order a Coke and I drink the Coke and then when that's done I order an ice cream Sunday and he and I'm skinny as a rail and he said how old are you Conan and I said I'm 24 and he went enjoy this enjoy it and so now he's right I flash back to that and go oh yeah that's what he was talking about the metabolism slows down it does That's why I do cocaine.

[705] It speeds things up.

[706] Speeds it right up.

[707] I smoke a lot.

[708] It really helps kill the appetite.

[709] HVH.

[710] That's great.

[711] I have fantasized some about taking a lot of...

[712] I want to start doing crazy steroids and getting jacked like carrot top.

[713] Yeah.

[714] I just saw him live.

[715] Oh, yeah?

[716] For my 40th birthday, I went to Vegas with my friends.

[717] And before my friends got there, I just went and saw a show.

[718] It was incredible.

[719] I think he gets, people are too mean to him.

[720] Yeah, yeah.

[721] He were mean to him in the 90s.

[722] I thoroughly enjoyed it and he was a total sweetheart and he is almost 60 and he's jacked.

[723] He's a very nice guy.

[724] He's a very sweet guy, but he's crazy jacked.

[725] And I thought my fans would just be, think it was really funny if I suddenly got jacked.

[726] Yeah.

[727] They would laugh at it.

[728] And also, anything I tried to do after that wouldn't be funny.

[729] Yeah.

[730] Yeah.

[731] That's why I like, it all came crashing down.

[732] like I was in the best shape I'd been since I was like 18 years old but I was like this has no comedic value really and it's only funny in relationship to the previous season because it's such a drastic change but as a as a as a life choice like a comedian you can't be you can't be ripped as a comedian also I mean like you have very it's very hard gross you have to look disgusting it's very I get infuriated when incredibly good -looking people are very funny.

[733] It enrages me. And I'm thinking of like John Ham is really funny.

[734] And Tim Oliphant is really funny and their torture.

[735] And it enrages me because I think, no, no, no, this was my consolation prize.

[736] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[737] This is the cookie I got.

[738] Yeah, come on.

[739] I was born looking like this.

[740] You can't give it to him.

[741] He can't get the same cookie that I got.

[742] It's not fair.

[743] It's not fair.

[744] it's like that Drew Carey joke he's the funniest joke he said these nude paparazzi photos of Brad Pitt leaked where he was naked and he had a huge penis and he's like that's not fair he's like you can't be that good looking and have a huge penis he's like Ron Jeremy we get it okay they gave him something as he was headed out the door just before they sent him to Earth they were like oh we're sorry give him one of these elephant trunk there you go you feel better now kind of and Drew Carey goes this guy's in so embarrassing so hot he's got such a big cog and then Drew Carey goes I'm sitting at home jerking off to a bootleg copy of precious this guy's fucking Angelina Jolie I know I'm giving him credit I know comics get sensitive but it's an ill joke that he's probably done a bunch of times Drew Carey's going to come after me after this podcast he's going to come after you now I don't think so he has to tape so many of those game shows in a day.

[745] He doesn't have time.

[746] I love how dirty, has you seen his stand -up live?

[747] He's he's hella dirty.

[748] Oh, really?

[749] Yeah, yeah, yeah, because he does the game shows and you can't be dirty on the game shows.

[750] So it's pent up.

[751] It's pent up.

[752] And he says crazy shit.

[753] It's hardcore.

[754] It's like a G .G. Allen concert.

[755] Why doesn't he just do it one time on the game show?

[756] On the game show like that.

[757] And then just do one where he goes for it.

[758] And then, of course, they can't air it, but they put it online.

[759] And they give everyone a prize in the audio.

[760] and so they're all happy.

[761] Why not?

[762] Because we live in a weird puritanical society where we still have standards and practices and censor boards.

[763] And it's like an old school.

[764] That's an old school thing.

[765] Censorship.

[766] Right.

[767] You can't say a curse word or it will put a curse on your family.

[768] That's a crazy, that's medieval.

[769] Right?

[770] Yeah.

[771] It's less and less.

[772] I mean, when I got into it, there really was, I remembered having a...

[773] You couldn't say hell on TV.

[774] I meant I wrote a sketch for Chris Rock and they remembered sitting down with actual people in suits who were saying, all right, let's go through this.

[775] This word's out.

[776] Really?

[777] This words out, yeah.

[778] Like the senses.

[779] Yes, yes.

[780] The censor?

[781] You really met the censors.

[782] Oh, they came in and they were like, well, this is out and this is out.

[783] And of course, this is out.

[784] That's crazy.

[785] But then what was really weird is I would offer replacements that were often worse.

[786] And they would say, yes, of course.

[787] Because they just wanted to show that they had done.

[788] Right, their job.

[789] We went in and we did our job and we took this stuff.

[790] out, so we took out penis and then Conan put in massive cockaroo.

[791] All right, very good.

[792] Okay, what's the plan for the rest of the day?

[793] What are we doing?

[794] Going right back to bed, dude.

[795] Face down on my floor, kitchen floor, cold tile.

[796] Okay, all right.

[797] Did I answer any of your questions?

[798] I think in a way you answered every question.

[799] Did I?

[800] Yeah.

[801] Okay.

[802] Yeah, I thought it was, I mean, you know, Adam, way in.

[803] I was just a key Eric's self -conscious about not answering questions but this was a delightful conversation I'm such a fan and I get so excited you're like Santa Claus it was a conversation this was a conversation it was you know what it was it was two jazz musicians you with your stand -up face and me with my piccolo and we're just feeding it back and forth you know and you're wearing sunglasses and I'm wearing a minor's helmet and we're just going for it right on fuzzy duck Hell yeah It's three in the morning The club's empty But we're just playing Because we love to play Eisenhower's spending My tax dollars On them highways No way, Jack Oh that made me Oh that reference made me so happy Oh fuck Beatnik Revitnik Beat Nick No way Ike Not my tax dollar That's how tame Our country used to be Eisenhower wanted to build highways that connected the states using tax dollars which really weren't that much and some beatniks were mad about it I'm not playing my bongos till Ike Ike is not oh that reference made me happy yeah well you know what I wrote that reference during the first cable ace award I'm 85 years old ladies and gentlemen the four tops are about to enter it will look like they're ejaculating but they're not semen will be added later pretend to be impressed that they're firing them like lasers really happened you know what I'm just thrilled to know you glad to consider us friends even though you ghost me every time I text I'm not going to make eye contact to you as soon as they hit cut I'm going to look at the floor and walk out I'm going to get up When this is over, I'm going to stand up to approach you and say, hey, I love that.

[804] That was really fun.

[805] And someone that works for you was going to step in between us.

[806] And then you'll be whist out of the room.

[807] No, nobody.

[808] No entourage.

[809] I have no agent, no manager.

[810] My lawyer is legalzoom .com.

[811] Seriously.

[812] You know who I stole that joke from in conversation?

[813] Matt Groening told me that.

[814] Oh, really?

[815] He goes, you know, I've never had an agent?

[816] I go, yeah, he goes, I just have a lawyer.

[817] I go, get out of here.

[818] You never had it.

[819] He goes, I just never got an agent.

[820] Seriously.

[821] And then he goes, yeah, legal zoom .com.

[822] You know, my favorite thing that I used to, my memory of Matt is when I was on the Simpsons, he would come in and he would be in his travels around the world, he would see when he saw the most horrific, comically horrific bootleg of a Simpsons product, he would buy it and then bring it back to the writer's room to show us, not because he was going to pursue any legal action, just because it cracked him up.

[823] And I don't know, somewhere in Mexico, he found someone had tried to make a wooden replica of Bart Simpson's head and then painted it with shoe polish and was like selling it on the side of the road and he bought it and he brought it in.

[824] And it was Bart, but he looked like he'd been in a horrible accident and then had a disease that inflated parts of his head but not other parts.

[825] And Matt was like a little kid.

[826] He was like, isn't this great?

[827] and he kept a big collection of them.

[828] I thought that's cool.

[829] I like that.

[830] Yeah, that's the highest compliment you can give Matt.

[831] I want to thank you for being my best friend.

[832] Yes.

[833] My only friend, really.

[834] No, not true.

[835] Seriously, keep making things.

[836] You make people really happy and you've got a great loving spirit and you're crazy, funny, and thank you.

[837] Thanks for being out there and doing your thing.

[838] I appreciate it.

[839] The feeling is mutual.

[840] Appreciate you.

[841] Okay.

[842] I appreciate you.

[843] and let's kiss.

[844] Let's finally get.

[845] Okay.

[846] All right.

[847] Here I come.

[848] I don't know what.

[849] That's the sound of me kissing.

[850] That's like a squid that got stuck in a blender.

[851] That's how I kiss.

[852] That's my wedding night.

[853] Come here, Eliza.

[854] It's like Nixon.

[855] Nixon eating squid.

[856] Keep going.

[857] I think you got a little more meat a little more.

[858] I'm coming in hot today and I'll tell you why.

[859] Yeah, you suck.

[860] Well, I'm just saying I'm concerned.

[861] I'm concerned about the future of this podcast, and I think we need to clear the air a little bit.

[862] Here's the issue.

[863] The issue is that this potential booking has arisen.

[864] And the reason we started fighting beforehand is I just said, I'm worried, Sona, about this podcast, this booking happening because there might be some issues.

[865] That's all.

[866] I'm saying you don't normally talk about bookings on the show before the show happened.

[867] Sure.

[868] And you don't like talking about potential bookings because you don't want to jinx it.

[869] I know.

[870] I know that this goes against my rules, but you also know that I'm a very freeform kind of guy.

[871] Oh, yeah.

[872] And I, no, no, I just Even Blaze, like, it's wincing.

[873] You know that I'm not a control guy.

[874] We're all Polly Shore over here.

[875] Dinosaur, yes.

[876] Polly Shore, no. I don't know.

[877] And now I've blown who our guest is.

[878] Yeah, yeah.

[879] Figure out your references ahead of time.

[880] No, I'm just saying, I happen to know that he crafted his material, Polly.

[881] What I'm trying to say is that I'm very much in touch with the energy around me. I go with the flow.

[882] I don't overthink things.

[883] And that's, I think, what's made me a household name.

[884] Yeah.

[885] If you're a fan of the cone on the barbarian films.

[886] I don't know.

[887] I don't know who the guy was that you just described.

[888] I was talking about the Conan movies.

[889] People love those movies.

[890] Anyway, here's what's happening, loyal listeners or people just tuning in for the first time.

[891] There's a potential guest on the horizon.

[892] It hasn't been locked down yet, but he wants to do the podcast.

[893] And I've interviewed him several times or many times in the past on the late night show and always love him.

[894] And the problem is there's someone in this room who's such a super fan that I almost worry about this gentleman's safety and security during the interview.

[895] Mine?

[896] No. Just stopping a wise ass for one second.

[897] Okay.

[898] I want you to accept the fact that there's a maybe 50 -50 chance that you will be in a room with Harrison Ford in the near future and that he might be a guest on the podcast and you would sit here and participate in that interview.

[899] He would be sitting maybe about, I'm going to say that's about a foot and a half from you.

[900] We can make that a foot if we really are.

[901] No, no, no, no. Taking the wheels off these roly chairs.

[902] I don't want you wheeling over to him every second and cuddling.

[903] You are a massive James Bond fan, but you also are a fanatic, a Harrison Ford fanatic.

[904] Star Wars, you name it.

[905] Anything Harrison Ford has done.

[906] You saw him in Eugene O 'Neill's Iceman Cometh.

[907] In the audience, he was there working on a seat that was broken.

[908] But, I mean, you are obsessed with this man, Harrison Ford.

[909] Yeah, he's my favorite actor of all time.

[910] He's played, you know, Indiana Jones and Hans Solo, two of my favorite characters.

[911] He's a carpenter.

[912] He's gruff.

[913] He suffers no fools.

[914] I think you're right.

[915] You should worry about this.

[916] Yes, I'm glad.

[917] Sona, I think you're going to be cool.

[918] Oh, I'm going to be cool.

[919] Yeah, you're fine.

[920] You like you some Harrison Ford.

[921] I love Harrison Ford.

[922] But you can control yourself.

[923] this is this is uncharted territory you know I'm a professional I've been around major stars my whole life what yeah yeah you weren't you haven't been around major stars your whole life my father was a microbiologist you're also bearing the lead he's not a professional what I meant what I meant was major stars in the world of microbiology oh right right okay yeah yeah people that have done incredible work on antibiotic resistance what did you think I'm sorry I thought you meant like celebrities like TV stars these are celebrities to me oh I'm sorry okay we all have to look out for antibiotic resistance.

[924] Use those antibiotics wisely.

[925] But huge names in that field.

[926] That's what I was talking about.

[927] I'm sorry.

[928] I misunderstood you.

[929] Do you think you'd be able to get it together if Harrison Ford ends up doing the podcast?

[930] Truly.

[931] I think when I'm really, really appreciate and review someone like this, I will probably end up being a little bit more reserved and a little bit more on guard because I really don't want to blow it.

[932] Because if I play my cards right, he and I are leaving pals.

[933] Oh.

[934] Now, let's spend, no, let's spend, no, let's spend out this scenario for a little bit.

[935] Tell us what's what's what's what's what's here.

[936] What do you think happens, Matt?

[937] We walk straight down to Chipotle.

[938] Oh, we pick out each other's meals for each other.

[939] We try to size each other up like, I bet you're one of these guys.

[940] Right.

[941] And I get him and I nail it.

[942] And he's like, what did you get him?

[943] Nailed it.

[944] I just got him a bean and cheese burrito with some cilantro and a tomato.

[945] There's some tomato.

[946] Wait, a whole tomato?

[947] Well, they cut it up.

[948] They cut it up.

[949] I thought you took a big chance and said, oh, and Mr. Ford will have a whole tomato on the side.

[950] He's going to eat it like an apple.

[951] Have you been to Chipotle?

[952] What the fuck?

[953] He's like a bear.

[954] I hope, you know what I'm rooting for?

[955] I hope that you overstepped the bounds and I hope you blow it in some way.

[956] That's maybe even catastrophic for this podcast, but I would live off the pure joy of that screw up forever.

[957] Challenge accepted.

[958] And leash, unleashed, I think.

[959] Yeah, well, unclipped, I guess.

[960] I thought that when I first heard he was a possibility, I thought you would do something to keep me and Matt away from it.

[961] That could still happen.

[962] I tried.

[963] I tried very hard, but he said the only reason that he's doing it is because of you two.

[964] Oh.

[965] Apparently, he doesn't even think, he doesn't even think I'm going to be here.

[966] Yeah.

[967] I don't know.

[968] That guy's not going to be there, is he?

[969] This is my Harrison Ford.

[970] Is that your Harrison Ford?

[971] I just woke up.

[972] General Patton.

[973] It sounds like Clint Eastwood.

[974] I'm going to kill those Nazis.

[975] Hey.

[976] General Patton.

[977] I'm not Patton.

[978] I'm Harrison Ford.

[979] No, he is very funny.

[980] He's very dryly funny, but very funny guy.

[981] And in that sense, I think I understand, like, he's not the person you can, you know, be desperate around.

[982] So I probably will just clam up because I'm not going to try to make someone who doesn't like fools like me. You know what I mean?

[983] Right, right.

[984] I'm probably going to be pretty scared.

[985] I'm convinced that I will still be needy because that never changes.

[986] never changes.

[987] I'll do some things that irritate him throughout the interview.

[988] On purpose?

[989] I think probably, yeah.

[990] Just to get him going.

[991] I'll say I'm, you know, I don't think airplanes are great machines.

[992] I don't think it's a very, I don't think it's a great design and we should probably just, you know, mankind should stop using them.

[993] What the hell you?

[994] I mean, I could, so I think that would be one thing that could say.

[995] God, he flies planes.

[996] Yeah.

[997] You need to get into a point, get to a point where you could just like fly someone with him.

[998] That's where we're going right after.

[999] Chipotle.

[1000] We're going to fly from Chipotle to Chipotle and pick up full tomatoes.

[1001] You know what you should do?

[1002] You should convince him.

[1003] Just do a lot of reading that you're an avid pilot and then become friendly with him and then take him up and reveal right after Lyftoff that you've never done this before.

[1004] That's like a scene from Tebola Doom.

[1005] Can you fly?

[1006] No, can you?

[1007] Oh, God.

[1008] What?

[1009] Don't do that when he's here.

[1010] I'm getting it out now.

[1011] I'm getting it out now.

[1012] No, there's no getting it out now.

[1013] That's like a pervert saying, well, I just masturbated once.

[1014] That should take care of problems.

[1015] We're all taken care of for all of time.

[1016] I just shot my load.

[1017] And I'm ready to be a real regular person for the rest of my lifetime.

[1018] Because we all know, demon doesn't regenerate and urges don't return.

[1019] I'm worried about you now.

[1020] Well, for other reasons, not about Harrison Ford.

[1021] I just shouldn't be out in the world.

[1022] That was too real.

[1023] And that's also my real speaking voice I used.

[1024] Whenever we're off mic, I go, how did you guys think it went?

[1025] Did you like it?

[1026] While masturbated.

[1027] Do you think Harrison had a good time?

[1028] Are you going to be a usual self?

[1029] Yeah.

[1030] Look, Sona, all joking around, you know that I travel in some pretty heady circles.

[1031] I do.

[1032] Okay, so what?

[1033] I'm going to flip out because Harrison Ford's here.

[1034] Now, don't think so.

[1035] I'm going to be like, hey.

[1036] HF You know Which way is the wind Which way is the wind blowing What's up?

[1037] What's up?

[1038] What's up?

[1039] You don't even do that normally Now I'm worried When he comes in We're all going to be trying To play it so cool That we're not even going to speak to him We'll just talk to ourselves I'm going to smoke the whole time Yeah I'm just going to have a cigarette Well no It's going to be one of those bubblegum vapes It's going to make a little bubbling sound and the whole room will smell like watermelon and bubblegum.

[1040] Let me tell you something, Harrison, I've been around.

[1041] You like that sound?

[1042] You like that?

[1043] You said one of those watermelon vapes.

[1044] I don't know what you're talking about.

[1045] Do they make a bubbling sound?

[1046] No, I think you're confusing a bubble pipe with a watermelon -flavored vase.

[1047] I know what sounds funny to me, so I altered, I essentially altered what an e -cigarette is, what a vape, what a vape pen is to match what I think is funny.

[1048] Okay.

[1049] So I bend time and space.

[1050] Well, now you're going to do that make things that aren't in and of themselves funny.

[1051] Okay.

[1052] To create a, yes, in my mind, a vape goes, and there's a fruity smell in the room.

[1053] It isn't just me. Harrison Ford has gone in five minutes.

[1054] Guess what?

[1055] I just gone.

[1056] Guess what?

[1057] His publicist just heard some of this conversation and he's out.

[1058] Yeah.

[1059] He's definitely out.

[1060] That's probably best.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] She played him two seconds of us talking about him.

[1063] That's the right choice, I think.

[1064] I think the right choice is for him to just not come on.

[1065] And I think for the team I should call him sick.

[1066] I really think I shouldn't be here.

[1067] He fled this podcast like a giant boulder was rolling after him.

[1068] See, that I understand.

[1069] See, now you're talking.

[1070] What if you have to pee real bad or poop?

[1071] I'm planning to wear a diaper All right, all right, let's...

[1072] No, I'm saying like that astronaut lady There have been times when we've interviewed people where I've had to go to the bathroom really bad and I'm like sweating here and you guys are chatting.

[1073] So I'm just saying like what happens if then that just becomes all you think about.

[1074] But wait, that has nothing to do with Harrison Ford being a cool, great booking for us.

[1075] That's just you needing to use the bathroom sometimes.

[1076] So that's completely apropos of nothing.

[1077] I know, I'm sorry.

[1078] I was trying to figure out all the scenarios.

[1079] Okay, maybe let's get on with the show.

[1080] but HF HF if you change your mind Come swing on by Okay See you at Chapparel Crack the cockpit Grab a whole tomato Here we go Blu -la -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -lop Fate pen sound that doesn't really exist Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Conan O 'Brien Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley Produced by me, Matt Gourley Executive produced by Adam Sacks Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vovino Take it away, Jimmy.

[1081] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1082] Engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnik, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn.

[1083] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1084] Got a question for Conan?

[1085] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451, 821 and leave a message.

[1086] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1087] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.