How to Set Limits & Use Tough Discipline

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[22] So how do you set limits with a strong will child who's going to resist you, complain?

[23] Maybe he's going to melt down and get upset.

[24] upset about it.

[25] What do you do in those situations?

[26] That's what we're going to talk about today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[27] So welcome.

[28] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm .com.

[29] Find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[30] If you need help with your strong will child, reach out to our strong will child, Casey, C -A -S -C -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[31] If you want to book an event in your community, we're doing live stuff now and it's awesome to be back with people.

[32] Reach out to him.

[33] If you need help with your family.

[34] Tell us about your family.

[35] Age of the kids.

[36] What are you struggling with most?

[37] We'll send back some ideas, some tips, some strategies.

[38] If you need some resources, we'll put together a custom package within your budget that works for you.

[39] If you just want to make it easy, we've got a huge spring sale going on at celebrate calm .com.

[40] So look up the calm parenting package, or make it easy, just get the get everything and you get like 35 hours worth of practical strategies for about the cost of one trip to a therapist's office.

[41] If you want to call me and talk to me, it's going to be a little bit more.

[42] But you can do that and I would love to talk to you.

[43] So let's go through this.

[44] How do we set limits?

[45] Because I get these questions all the time of like, well, are you saying we just let our kids do whatever they want?

[46] I'm like, no, when have I ever said that?

[47] I don't believe in that.

[48] I don't believe in permissive parenting.

[49] I like tough parenting.

[50] I don't like overreactive parenting.

[51] I don't like shaming kids, getting angry and yelling at them, and making it personal.

[52] But I like being tough with kids because good discipline.

[53] Look, discipline is something you do for your kids.

[54] It is a gift to your child.

[55] And when you discipline well, it should produce, in the end, a closer, more trusting relationship between child and parent.

[56] It shouldn't ultimately produce, like, well, I'm mad at him because child, is not going to listen to me and it's my way of the highway approach, right?

[57] We're not going to go there.

[58] So setting limits.

[59] Number one, you define what is over the line.

[60] Be very clear and specific with what is important to you as the parents.

[61] You decide this.

[62] So begin with one area where you want to draw the line, like hitting mom or your sister.

[63] Okay, that's clearly over the line.

[64] and when you address your kids even matter of fact tone and i and i'm i try often to make this clear but sometimes parents are like you know i tried to be really sweet with him or i tried to be really calm well really calm doesn't mean you're being too soft or sweet okay being calm doesn't mean that we talk like this and we have to really reason i don't like reasoning with children Now, when kids are older, we'll have good talks and I'll listen, but I'm not trying to convince them, okay?

[65] So you can be very tough with your kids.

[66] Look, they're not opposing things.

[67] I can be really tough with my child, but still be in control of myself, right?

[68] So a dad who comes to a child and says, hey, that will not happen in this house.

[69] No man will ever hit anyone in my home.

[70] you will not hit my wife and you will not hit my daughter got it right like stern is good what isn't good is generic name calling right like you're just disobedient why do you always have to do that how are you ever going to be successful like what were you thinking because in a way we're cursing the child as a bad seed what's not right is the how many times do i have to tell yelling and screaming and going on on or going on and on and on, which just reinforces shame, right?

[71] I don't care.

[72] Look, you can be calm, you can calmly destroy a child, right?

[73] And it's by going on and on and reinforcing how awful they are.

[74] But the difference here is, I can be stern, but it's even, matter of fact, it's not personal.

[75] I'm addressing the behavior.

[76] not the person.

[77] That behavior will no longer take place in my home.

[78] That behavior is not welcome here and it will not happen.

[79] Right?

[80] I'm not saying anything about the child.

[81] I'm saying that behavior, not going to happen here.

[82] It's stern.

[83] It's no nonsense.

[84] It's don't mess with me. Right?

[85] I like that attitude.

[86] Right.

[87] Too many parents now we're just walking on eggshells because, you know, I don't, I don't want them to respond the wrong way.

[88] I like to have a don't mess with me attitude, right?

[89] I'm not taking a person.

[90] I'm just saying like, hey, don't mess with me with this.

[91] This isn't happening.

[92] See, that's good and healthy.

[93] But then we transition saying this thing when they've done something wrong, yelled at mom, hit mom, do whatever it is.

[94] It's like, okay, so two things are going to happen now.

[95] Number one, you know the right thing to do, right?

[96] Like, you got to apologize to your mom.

[97] You know what else I've been doing a lot lately?

[98] Doing a service project as a consequence.

[99] See, instead of a consequence, like you yelled and said something disrespectful to your mom or hit her.

[100] Well, so I'm going to take away your video games.

[101] It's fine, but it's not really, it doesn't really correlate there, right?

[102] And it's not a great consequence.

[103] A really good consequence will be, hey, I know you are frustrated, I know you are upset, I get that.

[104] I'm going to show you how to deal with your frustration so that you don't keep yelling at mom and losing all your stuff.

[105] So you're going to apologize, but you know what we're going to do?

[106] Let's do a service project for your mom.

[107] Because you know what?

[108] Your mom does a lot around here.

[109] She does all kinds of stuff that we don't even know.

[110] So tonight, as an act of contrition towards your mother, let's do a service project.

[111] Now, I like it how I just phrased it because it's me. It's both of us doing it.

[112] Now, do I need to do a service project for my wife?

[113] Well, probably, yeah.

[114] But no, I don't.

[115] I wasn't the one who yelled at her that time.

[116] right i just i don't yell at my wife but i dismiss her feelings and right and all those things that we do so i don't need to but it's kind of a nice thing to come alongside your child instead of like you need to do a service project to show that you're and we go on and on there's no need for that look you did something that hurt your mom your mom does a lot around here so why don't we do a service project tonight why don't or tomorrow night why don't you and i go to the grocery store and why don't we plan a nice meal.

[117] And when mom gets home from work, why don't we make it so that she gets to sit with her feet up and we'll serve her just as she has served you and our kids all your whole lives.

[118] See, a service project, it takes it from, no, don't do that.

[119] I'm going to take away your stuff to.

[120] No, this is how you treat your mother.

[121] Instead of stop doing that, it's, no, this is what we do in our home.

[122] We serve people.

[123] Right.

[124] If you're modeling that for your child, especially the dads who are listening, if you're modeling that for your children, that's your best consequence.

[125] That's your best lecture either.

[126] If your kids in your home see you serving other people and putting them first, I mean, that's an awesome thing.

[127] So I was doing this phone consultation number two point.

[128] This mom said something very interesting and it was hugely insightful.

[129] And she said, I really need to define this.

[130] What is over the line?

[131] And what exactly do I do about that.

[132] I need this consistency as much as the kids do.

[133] I need to know when and how to discipline so that I have a plan.

[134] Otherwise, I second guess myself and I get stuck and kind of paralyzed by indecision.

[135] That's a huge insight.

[136] And that's why I want you to have some of these things.

[137] We talked through the Comparenting Program and our programs about having a, set routine when your child gets upset what are you going to do what is your go -to plan when you start getting triggered by something what's your go -to plan because you can't just make stuff up in the middle of the moment right there's too much going on and it's too confusing so having this planned out is extremely helpful and I encourage you to do that to have a plan to define it make it very clear.

[138] Number three, and this is what I wanted to get to, when you discipline and when you set limits, expect pushback, right?

[139] Be the grown up, right?

[140] I'm getting so many calls from parents about, I'm just, we're afraid to discipline and we're not sure what to do, right?

[141] They're talking so sweet and so softly and tiptoeing.

[142] No, you be the grown up.

[143] Let's expect pushback, right?

[144] Assume, make the assumption that no kids want to be held accountable for their actions.

[145] Make the assumption that virtually none of us really want to be held accountable.

[146] Drew, of course your kids don't.

[147] So watch what happens.

[148] You set limits and your kids push back.

[149] Right?

[150] It's one of our favorite discipline things in teaching self -control is, guys, tonight I'm going to give you 27 minutes on a video game.

[151] I'm not going to set a timer.

[152] You can set the timer yourself, right?

[153] And here's how it works.

[154] I'm going to leave the room, when I get back in after 27 minutes, that video game is going to be turned off, completely off, right when I walk back in there.

[155] If I walk back in that room and I hear you going, hold on, we need to save it, we need to get to the next level.

[156] You've just proven that you can't control your own time.

[157] You can't control your screen time.

[158] And so you're going to, you will have chosen to lose your screens for the next three days.

[159] And so you go and do that and you walk back in the room.

[160] Look, what are you going to expect?

[161] Of course, of course they're still going to be on their video games because their job is to push back and negotiate.

[162] I know you're like, I know, but no, kids should just listen to their parents all the time.

[163] Since when?

[164] Tell me since when.

[165] Okay.

[166] Of course they're going to push back, right?

[167] So you set limits and they push back.

[168] And instead of being steady, even calm, matter of fact, hey, this is just how I roll.

[169] What happens?

[170] We get resentful.

[171] How many of us do that?

[172] You set the limit.

[173] You tell you.

[174] them and then when it happens they push back and you get resentful and you know what it is and it's going to sting a little bit you're getting resentful because now you actually have to be the parent and follow through and put up with even more pushback and their anger and now they're mad at you and that hurts you a little bit and now you're mad at them because they can't make no for an answer but the truth is you can't handle their pushback and I want you to expect it because watch what we do.

[175] How many of us do this?

[176] And there's no blame or guilt in anything that we do.

[177] It's because you're exhausted.

[178] Moms, you're exhausted.

[179] Right?

[180] And here's what you do.

[181] We spend inordinate amounts of emotional energy trying to convince your kids to do what you told them to do.

[182] Right?

[183] You explain, you convince, and you know what happens?

[184] You bribe them.

[185] You use guilt trips.

[186] After all I do for you when you can't do this?

[187] Why?

[188] Because you need your child to behave, right?

[189] You've become dependent on them.

[190] You need them to behave.

[191] Why?

[192] So that you don't have to be tough and disappoint them and go through the tantrum.

[193] See how that works?

[194] I'm going to plead with you.

[195] Why can't you do the right thing?

[196] Listen, I'm going to warn you one more time, even though I've said that 18 times.

[197] And I'm going to do all of this because I'm really hoping that you'll finally just do what I asked you to do because if you don't, then I'm going to have to follow through and I'm going to have to be the tough one.

[198] And I can't yell and scream and use guilt trips anymore because that guy said that that's not fair to do either and that's not helpful.

[199] And that's really hard.

[200] And then when I do that, you're going to be really upset at me and you're going to be angry at me and it's going to cause tension in the home and I'm going to have to follow through and you're going to be miserable and I'm going to have to disappoint you.

[201] And I really don't want to have to go through all of that.

[202] So will you please just do what I asked you to do?

[203] And if I'm the the child, I'm like, absolutely not, parent.

[204] If you're going to, if you're going to set limits on me, you're going to pay the price, right?

[205] That's how it works.

[206] That's your job.

[207] And that's their job to push back.

[208] And I go through this one, I haven't done this in a long time, but probably on the strong -willed child program to stop the power struggles and on the discipline that works program.

[209] I go through a whole section on this that begins with this to your child.

[210] I don't need you to behave right this is the attitude i need to have toward my child i don't need you to behave your fact your actions affect your life i'm not bending over 43 different ways to try to get you to do what's right and what i asked you to do i expect you to do what i asked you to do i expect you to own your own choices and deal with the ramifications if you don't without me fixing things and making everything all better.

[211] I don't need you to behave.

[212] I can't always tell you what you're going to do, but I can always tell you what I'm going to do.

[213] There's the power.

[214] See, your choice is yours and it affects your life.

[215] I'll give you tools.

[216] I'll create successes, but I am not giving you excuses.

[217] Let me say it again.

[218] I will give you tools, but I'm not giving you excuses.

[219] I'm not going to yell.

[220] I'm not going to guilt trip.

[221] I'm not going to scream at you or call you names.

[222] I'm just going to tell you exactly what I'm going to do.

[223] I'm going to tell you this is just how I roll in the home.

[224] And then I will simply do what I told you I was going to do.

[225] See, that's personal integrity.

[226] I can't always tell you what you're going to do, but I am very clear about what I'm going to do.

[227] And then I will go do it.

[228] There's no shame.

[229] There's no guilt.

[230] There's no blame.

[231] There's no yelling.

[232] There's no pleading.

[233] I'm just doing what I told you to do so that you can trust me that when I tell you something, I mean it.

[234] and then I do that.

[235] Let's work on that this week.

[236] It's going to require something of you.

[237] For many of you, that's going to be very, very tough, and you're breaking a pattern, and I'm proud of you for doing this.

[238] But I will tell you, once you start doing that, it relieves so much of the stress.

[239] Now, if you want help, we can teach you that in the calm parenting package or get everything.

[240] Call me. I'll help you with it.

[241] But it'll be much easier for you if you just go through the programs because it's 30 hours, right?

[242] So if you need help, reach out to us.

[243] But let's work on that this week.

[244] If you need help, Casey, celebrate calm .com.

[245] Thank you for having the courage to do this.

[246] Thank you for doing that.

[247] It's going to change your family and it's going to break generational patterns.

[248] And that's a really cool thing.

[249] It's going to make your kids feel a lot more settled because you're in control of yourself.

[250] And that's what we're after.

[251] Love you all.

[252] Hang in there and do that this week.

[253] Bye.