#115 - Maz Jobrani

[0] Because it wouldn't be a podcast.

[1] It wouldn't feel like a real show.

[2] See now?

[3] Boom!

[4] We're in action.

[5] See that Maz Jobrani?

[6] It feels a lot more legit right now.

[7] It does.

[8] My good pal Maz Jobrani is with us, and we have to talk shit before we get started about the fucking Tascam DR100.

[9] This is our third one, you dirty bitches.

[10] Okay, Tascam MP3 recorder people, get your fucking shit together.

[11] How about ASCAM?

[12] That's how bad they are.

[13] Yes.

[14] Look, there you go.

[15] There you go.

[16] Not Tascam.

[17] Askam, says Maz Jobrani.

[18] It gets all these great reviews, and honestly, it makes some great sound.

[19] It sounds awesome.

[20] It's an excellent piece of kit, as it were.

[21] But unfortunately, it fucking breaks all the time.

[22] This is our third one.

[23] And no, I don't send it in for warranty, because I ain't got that kind of time.

[24] And I'm a fancy man, Maz Jobrani.

[25] So I just order another one with that one -click shit on Amazon .com.

[26] But this is the third one.

[27] You're like Lex Luthor and Superman.

[28] They never wear the same.

[29] a pair of socks two days in a row.

[30] I'm like a black rapper who throws away his white sneakers.

[31] Yeah, motherfucker.

[32] We used to go on the road with Charlie Murphy and Charlie Murphy used to throw away new sneakers.

[33] He would get like a little scuff like, that's it, it's over.

[34] It's over.

[35] It's over for those sneakers.

[36] You're a comedian.

[37] You're not playing basketball.

[38] Charlie Murphy, he wears those ridiculous rapper chains.

[39] They're covered in diamonds and bling bling.

[40] And he doesn't wear them all when he goes on stage.

[41] He takes them off and he puts them on his cousin Rich's head.

[42] Rich is like his tour manager and Rich will hold onto the chains.

[43] Is that in case he gets shot or something?

[44] No, he just doesn't want to bling too hard when he's on stage.

[45] He doesn't want to distract from the message.

[46] It's really hard for a comedian to be too blingy.

[47] Only black comedians can be blingy.

[48] You know what I'm saying?

[49] Cat Williams can pull it off because he's got that whole pimp persona thing going on.

[50] But yeah, white guy with a lot of diamonds.

[51] Like, what the fuck are you doing?

[52] I saw Prince in concert recently.

[53] I saw Prince in concert.

[54] It was amazing.

[55] The guy's amazing.

[56] Oh, he's amazing.

[57] And I was like, a comedian could never dress like Prince and do...

[58] You get a certain...

[59] you get a certain license to be weird with music.

[60] Yeah, exactly.

[61] He came out at one point with fur leg warmer thingies.

[62] Can you imagine, as a comedian, coming next to the stage, Joe Rogan showing up in fur?

[63] Leg warmers.

[64] That'd be great.

[65] He just pushes it, man. Yeah.

[66] And chicks fucking love him.

[67] Oh, my God.

[68] He's ridiculous.

[69] It's crazy.

[70] There's something about him that, to them, is very...

[71] It's weird.

[72] He's like 5 '3".

[73] He's 18 pounds.

[74] And he wears women's clothes.

[75] But he's sexy.

[76] They want to fuck him.

[77] He owns it.

[78] That's what it is.

[79] I was there with my wife.

[80] I was like, there's nothing else this guy could do.

[81] He's made to do this.

[82] It reminds me of a UPS guy.

[83] You know what I'm saying?

[84] If he shows up...

[85] He says you can't.

[86] He owns it.

[87] That's what it is.

[88] He's a brilliant artist.

[89] He is amazing.

[90] He's just a weird guy.

[91] And I think, you know, all brilliant, the really brilliant artists are all, I'm finding, are all almost completely fucking crazy.

[92] Absolutely, yeah, yeah.

[93] All the good ones.

[94] Well, from back, I mean, even like all the composers, Beethoven, all those guys were all nuts.

[95] Yeah, they're fucking minds.

[96] You have to be.

[97] Think about, there was fucking nothing but axes hitting trees back then.

[98] That was the sound they heard.

[99] Whomp, whomp.

[100] And one guy figures out, you know, not really, but, you know, people back then that did figure out how to orchestrate music and how to...

[101] create music and compose incredible works of music that are still listened to hundreds of years later oh yeah you know that's pretty nuts man and we don't even know what his shit really sounded like that's the crazy thing but also the crazy i was listening to the radio one time they were talking about because some of these guys like autistic like autistic people some of them are like geniuses in one way and and you know and autistic or you know they have problems in another way this one kid they were saying um autistic couldn't communicate he's at home with his mom and dad.

[102] They watch some movie that had a Beethoven concerto in it.

[103] They just watch it once.

[104] The kid's like 12 years old.

[105] The mother goes to sleep, middle of the night, wakes up, thinks that the TV's playing it again.

[106] The kid's at the piano playing that song.

[107] From watching it once, he's just learned the song.

[108] So these guys are geniuses in one way and crazy in another way.

[109] Yeah, we've talked about autistic savants on the podcast a bunch of times before because there's so many really amazing examples of that kind of power.

[110] I bet a lot of famous musicians and composers and geniuses in the past were probably autistic savants.

[111] They just didn't know how to diagnose it.

[112] They just considered them geniuses.

[113] Yeah, or maybe there's even certain – because you were talking about Prince.

[114] There's certain levels of it.

[115] You've got the rock star who's – brilliant and amazing, but, like, he can't, like, you know, remember his address.

[116] You know what I'm saying?

[117] Right, right, right.

[118] Ozzy Osbourne.

[119] Yeah, he needs someone to babysit him, you know?

[120] I think a lot of that stuff is that.

[121] Like, these guys are, you know.

[122] Yeah.

[123] Isn't it amazing that music for, like, hundreds and hundreds of years was just written down?

[124] Like, you couldn't record it.

[125] So, like, composers, like, when they created a piece of work, it's actually, like, writing.

[126] Yeah.

[127] And that's how, like, this is my work.

[128] This is what I've done.

[129] I've combined all these notes in a certain way.

[130] But you don't even get to listen to them do it.

[131] Right.

[132] You know?

[133] Right.

[134] They never got a chance to record anything.

[135] We'll never hear Beethoven actually directing any music, you know?

[136] Till time travel.

[137] Yeah, till time travel.

[138] Yeah.

[139] But isn't that amazing, though?

[140] That for hundreds of years, it was just written down.

[141] Yeah.

[142] You know?

[143] I wonder if it would sound any different too.

[144] Like I would be listening to the Beatles when they released the mono version, which was supposedly the superior version was the mono versions of all the Beatles songs because they were recorded in mono.

[145] And then later they remastered them in stereo because stereo was so popular.

[146] And that's what you grew up on was listening to stereo music versions of what was not supposed to be stereo.

[147] So people actually like listening to the mono versions now.

[148] But I wonder how much of that is like people just being like, oh, you should have heard that.

[149] You know what I'm saying?

[150] People do that all the time.

[151] You should, oh man, the classic.

[152] When in reality, I mean, it's like, you know, HD versus.

[153] Well, it's kind of mixed different too, though.

[154] Like things that come out in stereo that weren't really necessarily supposed to be out more, you know?

[155] So I actually have both versions and definitely I could see what people are saying.

[156] It's more hardcore hitting and everything seems mixed properly compared to like what now, like some guy in some, you know, THX labs like, no, I think this little jingle over here should be louder, you know?

[157] I think I'm going to have.

[158] to get into fucking vinyl.

[159] I think I'm going to have to buy a record player and some headphones and listen to what the fuck everybody's saying.

[160] Because when you talk to real audiophiles, they'll tell you that a vinyl LP is the way to go and that you lose something in the sound when you go to CD.

[161] You lose a quality, a layer.

[162] Can you even buy a record player anymore?

[163] They're huge now.

[164] They actually sell records at Best Buy now.

[165] Oh, really?

[166] The music industry is trying to find a new thing and one of the things is going retro, going back to vinyl because it sounds better.

[167] or whatever.

[168] And that's all up to debate, in my opinion.

[169] How funny is that?

[170] You think old TVs will make a comeback?

[171] Wouldn't that be funny?

[172] If you go in, you're like, this is not HD.

[173] Well, it seems like they could get away with it with Blu -ray, where they don't have to have compression anymore.

[174] They have compression to get it to CD, to digitize it.

[175] Maybe they could add that quality to it if they stretched it out and made it a larger file.

[176] Is that possible?

[177] Yeah, I think FLAC or whatever that version is, I think that is something that's very close to it.

[178] I'm going to have to talk to some real audio people.

[179] So the reason why I even brought it up is somebody on my message board made a post suggesting that I put out my next CD on vinyl.

[180] And I'm like, wow, I've never even thought about doing that.

[181] That's a weird suggestion.

[182] That might be kind of cool, actually.

[183] It is a cool idea.

[184] It's kind of like, I don't know if you've heard about this, but I guess Stephen Wright is writing a novel on Twitter.

[185] Did you hear about this?

[186] Did you hear about this?

[187] No. He's straight up like, you know, he found out, you know, he took, you know how he's like, He's known for the shorter jokes, right?

[188] So he decided, well, Twitter is about being short, so I'm going to write a novel.

[189] So supposedly, he's writing a novel, and you can come in at any point.

[190] And you might not know what's going on.

[191] He doesn't care.

[192] He just continues to write a novel.

[193] I have to follow him.

[194] Is it Stefan or Steve with a V?

[195] I think it's with a V, actually.

[196] I think.

[197] I think it's Steve.

[198] Yeah.

[199] But what I'm saying is the same thing.

[200] If you bust it out with...

[201] Everyone else is coming out with the new...

[202] I'm going to put my album out like this, like that.

[203] And you bust out with a record vinyl.

[204] That might be a way to go.

[205] This can't be him.

[206] He only has 15 ,000 followers.

[207] I don't know.

[208] I'm not sure.

[209] Is that real?

[210] Yeah, that probably is about right.

[211] How can you find out if it's the real deal or not?

[212] Well, usually they're verified.

[213] I'm verified.

[214] Joan Rivers right here says it's verified.

[215] Follow Joan Rivers.

[216] But Stephen Wright doesn't say verified.

[217] I'm going to take a chance and follow him anyway.

[218] Because I think a lot of those old school guys like Stephen Wright are probably just now embracing technology.

[219] So that might be a real number.

[220] He might really only have seven.

[221] We could re -release your website in bitmaps.

[222] What is bitmaps?

[223] Instead of JPEGs, we can go.

[224] Really?

[225] Yeah, vinyl photo compressions.

[226] Just go old school with everything.

[227] Just crappy with everything.

[228] We all go back to like three second video GIFs instead of having you stream.

[229] We just have a GIF animation.

[230] Oh, he is writing a novel.

[231] He's writing a novel, right?

[232] Oh, this is hilarious.

[233] Yeah?

[234] This is hilarious.

[235] He's writing a fucking novel on Twitter.

[236] That's sweet.

[237] How funny is that?

[238] That's just brilliant.

[239] I can't wait to follow.

[240] I heard that.

[241] I was like, that is crazy.

[242] That is such a great idea.

[243] And he ends TBC on like every post.

[244] To be continued.

[245] To be continued.

[246] To be continued.

[247] And you get to just follow along with it.

[248] This is so strange.

[249] Isn't that crazy?

[250] But brilliant.

[251] Addressing the question.

[252] This was extremely tiring for Harold because of his attention would drift.

[253] And for some reason, the abstract speech that his mother was making.

[254] Like a toy train, his brain would stay firmly on track, weaving, turning through, to be continued, previously unconnected subjects.

[255] Harold had the opposite of ADD.

[256] He needed to go...

[257] Go some to some school somewhere.

[258] Hmm.

[259] Some typo.

[260] Needed to go some to some school somewhere and learned how to space to be continued.

[261] Out.

[262] To be continued and then out.

[263] Space to be continued out.

[264] The last dream he had.

[265] was about a man who invented mirrors.

[266] When Harold woke up the next day, all he could remember was that he, to be continued, had a dream about a slut.

[267] This is ridiculous.

[268] That's hilarious.

[269] This is definitely him.

[270] This is definitely him.

[271] But this is one of the weirdest things I've ever heard anybody doing.

[272] That's funny.

[273] Steve writes a maniac.

[274] How funny is that?

[275] You know, he was the guy who single -handedly, his success threw this monkey wrench into the whole Boston comedy scene.

[276] There's a great documentary by this guy, Fran Salamida.

[277] Fuck, I have to look it up what the name of it is.

[278] Have you ever worked with him before?

[279] Yeah, Fran was a comic from Boston.

[280] How did he throw a wrench into the scene?

[281] Because he got successful.

[282] And when he got successful, everybody...

[283] kind of freaked out and was like, when stand -up stood out, that's what it's called.

[284] Boston was this incredible place where there were so many great, great comedians that were local guys and they would just work locally constantly.

[285] And all of a sudden, Stephen Wright got discovered and Stephen Wright started doing Letterman and Carson and everybody was like, holy shit.

[286] Then he got his HGO special and then everybody was like, where's mine?

[287] When is this going to happen for me?

[288] And it kind of like changed the tone of the town because it used to be this almost like, I want to say artist colony, but not so, fucking gay.

[289] They were savages.

[290] They were crazy, coke snorting, weed smoking, whiskey drinking animals.

[291] And they were fucking hilarious.

[292] And they were just doing it to make everybody laugh and to get by and get paid.

[293] But then all of a sudden, the dream sort of appeared in Stephen Wright form.

[294] Stephen Wright all of a sudden became fucking huge and famous and national.

[295] And these guys were like, yeah, Stephen's good, but I'm fucking good too.

[296] And it kind of changed the whole tone of the town.

[297] really working towards deals.

[298] It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it became there was a different goal on the horizon.

[299] It wasn't just being funny.

[300] It's crazy how success can get in the way of art. Yes.

[301] And it often does.

[302] Often does, but it doesn't have to.

[303] It's all manageable.

[304] It's manageable.

[305] People say, oh, you sold out.

[306] Shut up, stupid.

[307] You don't even know what you're talking about.

[308] As long as you're still doing good stuff and having fun.

[309] Well, I think part of it is like with you, I know seeing you at the comedy store when I first was starting there, the good thing about you was even when you had a show or anything going, you still kept that mentality of I got to get up and create and write, and you continue to do that.

[310] And so the idea is you can get out of that quote -unquote artist colony with success, but then you remind yourself.

[311] It's like a boxer.

[312] I've got to keep training.

[313] I think your motivation changes.

[314] Your motivation goes from being the motivation of, I'm just trying to make it.

[315] I want success.

[316] I want to be recognized.

[317] You get some success.

[318] Then you go, okay, now I just want to do good stuff.

[319] I just want to have fun.

[320] Now my interest is just on the jokes.

[321] It's just on creating the new bit.

[322] It's just on putting the act together.

[323] It actually becomes more fun that way.

[324] How exciting is it when you come up with a bit or something?

[325] It's as good as getting a big paycheck where you're like, I thought that was cool.

[326] You know what I'm saying?

[327] You're so excited about it.

[328] One of the problems of success is it becomes harder to write newer stuff unless if you put yourself in those lab situations where you're saying, okay, I'm going to work out some new stuff.

[329] People come expecting you to do those killer whatever things.

[330] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[331] That's a problem.

[332] But you know what?

[333] That's fun.

[334] It's a fun problem.

[335] It's a tester, but it's a fun tester.

[336] That's one of the reasons why we like doing that Sal's Comedy Hole, because it's real small.

[337] It's like 80 people, and I'll fuck around and not even know what I'm really going to say about something.

[338] And they know that that's what you're doing.

[339] They know that you're fucking around a lot.

[340] And I do most of my real bits, too.

[341] I want to give them solid stand -up, but I also want to use the opportunity to fuck around and stretch out.

[342] I never do a full...

[343] Like a full sacrifice set.

[344] I won't go up there with only new bits and just eat dick.

[345] I don't like doing that, man. I don't think they like it either.

[346] The only time I've recently tried something like that is the Laugh Factory was doing something with Kevin Nealon on Tuesdays.

[347] It was known as seven minutes of new material.

[348] And then Kevin Nealon comes on stage and sits with you.

[349] He's a funny guy.

[350] He kind of rips with you and kind of makes fun of the material but also gives you some ideas.

[351] And the audience, well, they're supposed to know.

[352] that that's what they're there for.

[353] Half the audience, whenever I go up there, I go, how many of you guys knew you were coming for this?

[354] And like two or three people clapped.

[355] The rest of them thought it was a real show.

[356] But the idea is you're supposed to go up with seven minutes of brand new, like never try.

[357] So every time I've gone up there, I've like just gone into my Blackberry and looked at the ideas I've had that I've just put down that I haven't riffed on.

[358] I just go up and riff.

[359] You never know.

[360] And beautiful and good things come out of it.

[361] Got to take chances, man. Stand -up comedy is one of the most important things about it.

[362] Constantly moving.

[363] Constantly taking chances.

[364] Some new thing comes out in the news.

[365] Get on stage that day.

[366] When Anthony Weiner, when the shit went down, I went on stage that night and had 10 new minutes.

[367] Because I was just writing about it all day, how ridiculous it was.

[368] I was just laughing.

[369] We're living in a fucking Coen Brothers movie.

[370] Have you had too much Weiner now?

[371] No, I'm good.

[372] It's even out.

[373] It's a steady number.

[374] This fucking guy's name is Wiener, and he's taking pictures of his dick and sending it to women.

[375] I mean, it doesn't even seem like it could be real.

[376] I know.

[377] It's ridiculous.

[378] If it was a movie, you would go, that's shitty writing.

[379] This is stupid.

[380] Right.

[381] Yeah, come on, dude.

[382] You've got to give him another name.

[383] Get the fuck out of here.

[384] It's like whenever these senators get caught doing gay shit.

[385] It's always the same thing with these anti -gay senators that get caught gaying out.

[386] You're like, God damn it, man. Is it that easy?

[387] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[388] This is the fucking solution?

[389] This is really what's going on?

[390] There's so much of that going on now.

[391] I just saw Andrew Cuomo, Mary Cuomo's son.

[392] He's now the governor of New York.

[393] I think it's Andrew Cuomo.

[394] Is it?

[395] I think, anyway.

[396] Governor Cuomo was up there talking about something.

[397] They just showed a clip of him.

[398] And I was like, oh, man. Because he seems like he's like...

[399] he's a Cuomo.

[400] He kind of is like, seems like he's legit.

[401] Right.

[402] And in the back of my mind, I'm like, I hope he's not banging some lady.

[403] I was like, it's going to, I was like, cause it almost, if it's a lady, he can live through a lady, a duty, but you live through a lady.

[404] But no, now you can't even live.

[405] I mean, it's like, you know, Wiener, we don't know.

[406] I mean, did he do, did he actually have sex with him?

[407] It was just like sending pictures of his penis.

[408] He's just a freak.

[409] He's just a freak.

[410] Yeah.

[411] So now he's gone.

[412] So what I'm saying is like, you can't like, if, if government, if governor Cuomo were found to be having an affair, he's done.

[413] I mean, that you can't.

[414] Yes, I agree with you.

[415] In this day and age, there's really going to be a time real soon where there's no one left to run for office.

[416] That's funny.

[417] Everybody's got fucking skeletons.

[418] That's hilarious.

[419] Do you think that Wiener, during that whole week before he stepped down, do you think he was like, please let there be a deadly hurricane?

[420] Oh, yeah.

[421] Please let there be an earthquake in Africa?

[422] Oh, fuck yeah.

[423] Well, that's the Gary Condit thing.

[424] Remember when 9 -11 happened?

[425] You remember Gary Condit and Chandra Levy?

[426] Yeah.

[427] Chandra Levy was his assistant.

[428] She turned out missing.

[429] Everybody thought he...

[430] They killed her because he was having an affair with her.

[431] There was all this craziness, and then they found her body.

[432] But he got off.

[433] He got off, huh?

[434] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[435] Oh, my God.

[436] Yeah, and they apparently connected her murder to a guy who had killed a few women in that area, so it might have actually been legit.

[437] It might have been a serial killer.

[438] But who the fuck knows?

[439] That concept that you had is kind of funny.

[440] You should riff on that about pretty soon there will be no one left to run, and it will be like the most unsexable people.

[441] Someone no one wants to have any sex with.

[442] You got to get really ugly.

[443] kind of like you know just like warty people like you gotta be someone that no one's attracted to to run because you're like well there's no way anyone had sex with that guy I think it's gonna come down to a point real soon where we have to come to grips with the fact that everybody that wants to be president anybody that wants to be in control like that there's some serious like sexual weirdness going on with you that's some domination shit you wanna run things yeah but also with power I mean that's like I mean that's part of like the you know that's part of what comes with it I mean what's funny too is Dominique Strauss -Kahn, the IMF guy?

[444] Yes.

[445] For people who don't know, explain the story.

[446] Dominique Strauss -Kahn was the president of the IMF, and he's staying at the Sofitel Hotel in a $3 ,000 a night suite.

[447] He's also supposedly going to be the next possible, possible president of France, so he's being geared up for that.

[448] And so the maid comes in to clean the place, and he shows up naked, and I think he chased her around and tried to rape her or something.

[449] He fucked her mouth.

[450] Did he?

[451] Yeah.

[452] Oh my God.

[453] So he, so he, whatever he meant.

[454] Yeah.

[455] According to the story, who knows what really happened.

[456] But, but, but the thing, it was funny is, so he's a French dude.

[457] And then, and of course, you know, then he tried, then he tried to leave the country.

[458] I should say allegedly he fucked her mouth.

[459] Allegedly he fucked her mouth.

[460] I'll say allegedly.

[461] Yeah.

[462] Well, that's, that's what our sources, that's what our sources have told us.

[463] Yeah.

[464] The internet.

[465] Yeah.

[466] The internet.

[467] I didn't look into that at all.

[468] But, but, but, but the point, but what's funny is, is I was reading that some of the French, the French reaction where there.

[469] They were saying, well, the French aren't that phased by the whole...

[470] They expect their politician to be...

[471] Oh, if your politician in France isn't banging somebody, then it's weird.

[472] Right.

[473] You know what I'm saying?

[474] You know?

[475] Well, you know, there's a thing that we've talked about on this podcast before called toxoplasma.

[476] And it's a cat parasite that infects human beings and changes their behavior.

[477] And it makes men reckless, makes men very aggressive and reckless, makes them do crazy shit.

[478] And there's a huge population of a high rate of infection, rather, in France.

[479] In France, it's like 80%.

[480] Oh, wow.

[481] Like 80 % of the people are infected by this toxoplasma, as much as 80 % in some areas.

[482] Jeez.

[483] Which is insane.

[484] It's a parasite.

[485] And it's just the men, but it's men and women?

[486] It affects women, but the women, it's tougher to document how it affects women because they think it makes them more submissive.

[487] But with men, it makes them aggressive.

[488] Oh, really?

[489] It makes them jerks.

[490] Yeah, it makes them really reckless.

[491] That explains a lot.

[492] Yeah.

[493] You want to smoke some of it?

[494] Smoke some cat shit, bro.

[495] I got some.

[496] So that's why pregnant women aren't supposed to touch cat shit.

[497] If they ever tell that to your wife when she was pregnant, don't touch any kitty litter.

[498] Don't ever go near any cats.

[499] Oh, wow.

[500] That's why, because of this toxoplasm.

[501] But a huge percentage of people.

[502] I mean, if this guy has toxo, if he's from France, I mean, he might make him loked out where he just whips his dick out on the maid.

[503] That would be a great plea in court.

[504] Be like, I have toxoplasma, you know?

[505] Feel free to use it.

[506] I'll be honored if you guys use that.

[507] Maybe I possibly had some say in this.

[508] The toxoplasma defense.

[509] It's very possible.

[510] I would like to see this guy tested.

[511] I mean, if he really did do something fucking reckless and crazy.

[512] But I think anybody who wants to be in a position of power like that, a lot of people...

[513] of them have sexual things you know absolutely clinton and oh yeah clinton would just whip his dick out on girls crazy is that just he was the president he would just whip his dick on state troopers and fucking good typists and secretaries you know what i was thinking i was thinking like all these guys like when you get to that level of power you should have like a like i was thinking you should have like um A counselor that's walking around with you 24 -7.

[514] And you're like, hey, I think I'm about to whip out my dick.

[515] And you're like, that's not a good idea.

[516] But what's funny is I realized if it were a dude, the dude eventually would be like, yeah, whip out your dick.

[517] He'd goad him on.

[518] You should totally do that.

[519] That'd be awesome.

[520] Or you want to bang the maid?

[521] You should totally bang the maid.

[522] You're the president of IMF.

[523] Is it washed?

[524] Yeah.

[525] How about Arnold, man?

[526] Oh, my God.

[527] How about that crazy asshole just fucking everyone who's in his house?

[528] How funny is that?

[529] If you're in his house, he fucks you.

[530] That's just the rule.

[531] Yeah, no. He was fucking her for 10 years, man. Crazy.

[532] And she was not attracted at all.

[533] No, it didn't matter.

[534] I have a heart on it.

[535] She's cleaning.

[536] He's like, I must do it.

[537] He's just bent over.

[538] It's ridiculous.

[539] I jokingly said, maybe he's trying to save money on child care.

[540] Have a baby with a nanny.

[541] You've got to take care of it's free.

[542] Arnold is probably, when he started banging her, he was so big when he was bodybuilding and everything like that.

[543] And there's only one way to do that.

[544] You have to be on steroids.

[545] You have to be on testosterone.

[546] And Arnold was known, allegedly, for being a guy who would take just fucking massive quantities of everything.

[547] That's why he was so huge.

[548] You look at the photos of him back when he was Mr. Olympia, and holy fucking shit.

[549] levels of testosterone that guy must have been taking were probably through the roof.

[550] So he probably just would fuck everything.

[551] Oh, yeah.

[552] Neil, may I fuck you?

[553] Just everything.

[554] Doesn't that lower your sex drive or supposedly makes your penis small?

[555] It lowers your body's natural production of testosterone because if you inject a bunch of testosterone in your body and you bring it over a certain baseline, when your body's like, what the fuck is all this test doing around here?

[556] So your body says, we don't have to use the balls.

[557] Shut the balls down.

[558] So your body shuts the balls down because you're squirting into your...

[559] body 10 times the natural level of testosterone so you can get 30 inch fucking arms.

[560] When you see guys like that and you watch them pose, you ever see them pose?

[561] They have the tiniest balls you've ever seen in your life.

[562] I would be terrified if my balls were that small.

[563] If you see those dudes in those little banana hammocks, their balls are non -existent.

[564] It's like their balls wither away.

[565] I would love it.

[566] I hate my balls.

[567] I don't want anything.

[568] Do you have extremely huge balls?

[569] They're just fucking gross things that are hanging from my awesome dick.

[570] I'd rather have two small little cute ball things attached to it than these big droopy old man. I don't know what the fuck they look like.

[571] Old man throat balls?

[572] I have pretty average -sized balls.

[573] I'm not that...

[574] I don't have big balls.

[575] I just hate them.

[576] Maybe you had elephant balls.

[577] If you were like, I gotta get rid of these elephant balls.

[578] I'm happy with my balls.

[579] I'm cool.

[580] Scratching your balls is the best feeling in the world, man. I used to think my balls were big until I saw Ari's balls and Joey Diaz's balls.

[581] Oh, yeah.

[582] And I'm like, yeah, my balls are not that big.

[583] Those balls are ridiculous.

[584] Joey Diaz has huge balls, but Ari's has one that they're trying to escape his body balls.

[585] They look like worms, almost.

[586] Well, they sag way...

[587] lower than they're supposed to.

[588] Yeah.

[589] When Ari pulls his balls out, you're like, what the fuck?

[590] You need to go to a doctor, dude.

[591] Go to a doctor.

[592] One ball is old and sagging.

[593] Joey's balls look like they belong on Joey.

[594] Joey does.

[595] Everything about him is a cartoon.

[596] Cuban egg roll.

[597] Yeah, so of course his balls look like softballs in an old lady's pantyhose.

[598] That's what he looks like he would have.

[599] His big giant ball.

[600] One ball like a fucking speed bag.

[601] Joey Diaz is classic.

[602] He's a human like no other.

[603] There's very few Joey Diazes out there roaming the planet.

[604] Every time I see him, I'm like, why isn't there just a show just following him around?

[605] I know, right?

[606] The things he says.

[607] Just this weekend, I was with him, and we're in the van going from the hotel, two blocks, going from the hotel to the venue.

[608] And some people cross on the street in front of him.

[609] And everyone else kind of sit and enjoy this.

[610] Hurry up, you cocksuck.

[611] I'm going to take my fucking cock.

[612] And he starts going and he riffs.

[613] And the funniest formation of words come together.

[614] And everyone's just cracking up.

[615] I would like to see the things that we don't know about Joey.

[616] There's points where he just sings really long opera songs.

[617] He's got nine cats, man. He's a 50 -year -old man. He probably has the most toxic plasma ever.

[618] Oh, ever.

[619] He's got all four.

[620] There's like three forms of toxic plasma.

[621] He's got all three forms.

[622] He's got it all.

[623] He's got fucking eight cats, nine cats in his house.

[624] Didn't he just get a new one?

[625] He got a new cat recently.

[626] I think he's got 11 now.

[627] I'm pretty sure it's 11 now.

[628] In like a two -bedroom apartment, 11 cats.

[629] Wow.

[630] Dude, I got a big house and I have...

[631] two cats, and they drive me nuts, these little motherfuckers, shitting all over the place.

[632] It's annoying, man. My office smells like cat shit all the time.

[633] I always gotta clean that.

[634] It smells like cat shit, because they just take stinky dumps in there.

[635] And it's gross.

[636] They gotta clean it out, and fucking, and then they take a shit an hour later, like, you motherfucker.

[637] I hate it so much.

[638] Stinking up my fucking house gets gross, right?

[639] I hate it.

[640] My place is so small, and so I have to have it in the kitchen, so I'm like, cooking last night, and I just, my cat takes a shit, and then it's like, you know, fucking food mixed with shit, and then you spray it.

[641] And then that now it smells like a lemon forest full of shit.

[642] They don't have like, cause we don't, I don't have, I'm allergic to cats.

[643] So we don't have, but we have a neighborhood cats and they always go in our backyard and they shit.

[644] No, they shit.

[645] And I never knew, I never had cats.

[646] So I thought cat shit was like little like bunny shit.

[647] No, it's like serious shit.

[648] I'm constantly like, I'm like, what dog was here?

[649] Yeah.

[650] And my cat has this thing where like they, they pee on certain sides of the litter box.

[651] Like the pee, my cat pees right in front of the opening.

[652] So it has to put its butt.

[653] right out the door of the litter box.

[654] And he had shit the other day and just sprayed my wall with shit.

[655] Oh, God.

[656] They're such dirty little animals.

[657] And you know, when you let them out in the wild, that's when you got to be worried about toxoplasma.

[658] Yeah.

[659] That's when they catch it.

[660] They catch it from rats out in the wild.

[661] So, you know, it'll become dangerous.

[662] It can fuck with you.

[663] And it's very dangerous for little children.

[664] Very dangerous for babies and shit like that.

[665] Their immune system's not ready for it.

[666] Oh, really?

[667] Yeah.

[668] Creepy fucking cats.

[669] And dogs aren't even better, man. It's ridiculous.

[670] My dog lately has been digging up shit and hiding bones in there and putting it just cartoon style, like digging holes.

[671] And it got in a fight with a possum the other day or something like that.

[672] And I don't know what it had.

[673] It looked like maybe a baby of some kind all chewed up and brought it into the house and just left it right on these pee pads that we had.

[674] So it was like a baby possum?

[675] I don't know what the fuck it was.

[676] Your dog is so tiny.

[677] If your dog killed something, it's got to be...

[678] little as fuck yeah yeah What does your dog weigh, like five pounds or something?

[679] Eight pounds.

[680] Yeah, she's so small.

[681] How could she kill anything?

[682] What can she kill?

[683] I think it was probably dead already, but she decided to eat it.

[684] It was nasty.

[685] But she brought it in and laid it on the pee pad like she thought it was poop, so that's kind of cool.

[686] But still, it's like I don't want dead corpses and fucking shit on my walls while I'm cooking.

[687] That's horrible.

[688] Yeah, but you can keep the dog outside.

[689] Well, not that dog.

[690] You can't.

[691] A hawk will come and swap that sucker up.

[692] Yeah, what if I were to buy a huge dog house or make a dog house?

[693] house that was big enough to let the dog stay in there forever?

[694] No. Listen, man, that dog needs people.

[695] You've got a dog that needs a lot of human attention.

[696] You can't do that.

[697] You can't leave her outside.

[698] She'll go crazy.

[699] We've never been dog people or animals.

[700] I never had animals.

[701] My kid loves dogs, and we thought about for a minute getting one, but then I realized I'd have to take care of the dog because my kid's three years old.

[702] He's not going to do it.

[703] Yeah, kids will tell you, oh, I love dogs.

[704] I'm definitely going to take care of it, Dad.

[705] Next thing you know, you're walking that fucking thing every day.

[706] My boy has like, he is just fearless.

[707] He'll go up to any dog.

[708] Like when he was like one and a half, we went to some family friends.

[709] They had like a Rottweiler, big, scary looking.

[710] And he was up there trying to kiss him.

[711] We're like, no, no, no. But he goes for it.

[712] I don't trust dogs.

[713] Oh, yeah, no, no. Babies, because they get confused and they think babies are dogs.

[714] Oh, my God.

[715] That's the problem.

[716] They don't associate that with being a person.

[717] Yeah.

[718] So they'll like check a baby just to let a baby know.

[719] You know, like check a baby like they would check a dog.

[720] Like don't fuck up my territory.

[721] I've seen dogs do that before.

[722] It's scary.

[723] Have you ever eaten at that place Toast on 3rd over there near West Hollywood?

[724] It's a good place, good food.

[725] We were going with a friend of mine to go sit down one time.

[726] We're about to sit and there's this girl, a five -year -old girl, cute little blonde girl, five -year -old.

[727] She's got a little bloody nose going.

[728] I was like, oh, poor girl fell or something.

[729] Then as we're sitting, we sit next to this dog.

[730] The story comes out that she was up there playing and the dog...

[731] bit at her nose and cut her.

[732] Whoa.

[733] And we're like, okay, we don't want to sit next to this dog.

[734] What kind of dog was it?

[735] It looked like a regular, it wasn't any kind of like, it was like a, it wasn't Golden Reacher, but it was like a regular look.

[736] It wasn't like.

[737] Like a mutt.

[738] Yeah, it wasn't anything.

[739] And it bit the fucking girl in the face?

[740] It bit the girl.

[741] I don't know what she did or what happened.

[742] And the dog was still alive?

[743] Yeah.

[744] Nobody had beaten it to death?

[745] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you would think, right?

[746] Yeah, you'd bite a five -year -old baby.

[747] Yeah.

[748] You fucking cunt dog.

[749] Yeah, yeah.

[750] I'll kick you to death.

[751] Yeah, yeah.

[752] So I'm always worried with my son, man. He just fucking.

[753] Yeah, you gotta be real careful.

[754] He goes right up.

[755] You got to always think that a dog will consider your baby to be an animal.

[756] Yeah.

[757] They don't consider it to be a person because it's not talking really and they're real little and they're high -pitched voice.

[758] It's like, this is not the same thing.

[759] Yeah.

[760] I see Miles Jobrani.

[761] He can tell me what to do.

[762] Well, this is a little motherfucker trying to tell me what to do.

[763] Bitch!

[764] Fuck him up.

[765] Yeah.

[766] Trying to take my food?

[767] Trying to take my dog food, bitch?

[768] Yeah.

[769] I've had the worst week.

[770] There's this bird that's outside in my tree.

[771] It's like the animal kingdom.

[772] You had a cat, a dog, now the bird.

[773] There's this bird that, like, I don't know what it is, but every time it gets dark, it goes through, like, 12 different chirp things.

[774] It sounds like somebody's breaking into a car.

[775] Hilarious.

[776] It's just like...

[777] And it keeps on doing it the whole entire night.

[778] The bird call.

[779] So I'm thinking about poisoning or slingshotting or shooting this bird.

[780] I don't know what to do because it's been all night, every day this week.

[781] You know how long you'd be out there trying to slingshot this bird?

[782] Yeah, you break every window you're there, right?

[783] Fuck!

[784] And I bet you got some people who listen to the podcast, too.

[785] You're like, I know where that motherfucker lives.

[786] It was him with that slingshot.

[787] Yeah.

[788] It's horrible, though.

[789] You need a BB gun.

[790] BB guns are pretty accurate.

[791] Yeah, I was thinking about it, but I can't even see it.

[792] It's just this big tree.

[793] But that's what I'm saying.

[794] That's one of those ideas you get in your head.

[795] You're like, I'm going to put an end to this.

[796] And then you end up being like Wile E. Coyote or like Elmer Fudge.

[797] You know what I'm saying?

[798] That's how people like fall from trees and break their neck and die.

[799] Oh, yeah.

[800] Because you're trying to kill some bird that tweets outside your window.

[801] Oh, yeah.

[802] I've had times when like, I don't know if you guys had like the mosquito.

[803] The mosquito is the worst thing.

[804] You're sleeping and then you like ignore it, ignore it.

[805] He keeps coming back.

[806] You're like, fuck it.

[807] It's on.

[808] Lights go on.

[809] Now you got to go around looking for the mosquito against your white wall.

[810] Like he disappears.

[811] He reappears.

[812] You're swinging.

[813] and shit yeah your eyes are trying to focus oh my god fucking tears in them yeah yeah you know half hour later like fuck it man we don't realize how few bugs we have in california until you go in the east coast in the summertime and you realize like go near a lake go to the east coast near a lake in the summertime you're like motherfucker this is ridiculous oh yeah but you know how cool lightning bugs was i do miss lightning bugs when you're just going out in your backyard and it's just like this glowing paradise yeah but those are cool they don't bother you you know They just smell gross.

[814] But I would say with mosquitoes, they never have...

[815] Mosquitoes know how to fuck up paradise.

[816] Whenever you book a trip, you go down to Mexico, and you're like, oh, babe, this is great.

[817] Here's the beer, here's the tequila, whatever.

[818] And like half an hour later, you start getting bit.

[819] You're like, motherfucker.

[820] And every time they show those stupid Corona commercials where the guy throws his cell phone into the water, I'm like, show the fucking mosquitoes, man. It's never that comfortable.

[821] Yeah, that's one of the good things about Hawaii, too.

[822] Not too many bugs in Hawaii.

[823] That's true.

[824] You can't really make that trip out to that volcano in the middle of the ocean.

[825] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[826] That's not a bad thing.

[827] Yeah.

[828] Not that many bugs, man. But California, as far as, like, no bugs, this is probably as good as it gets anywhere in the country.

[829] Yeah.

[830] You go to Florida, Florida's ridiculous.

[831] Yeah.

[832] You might as well be living in the jungle.

[833] Yeah.

[834] You know, just because there's an apartment building doesn't mean it's not the jungle.

[835] Yeah.

[836] You got a little pond next door with a fucking alligator in it.

[837] What's that?

[838] You could be living in Gainesville.

[839] You could be living in, like, a nice part of town and take a couple blocks, go for a walk, and, oh, what's this?

[840] A dinosaur.

[841] A fucking dinosaur.

[842] A poodle -eating dinosaur wandering through the streets.

[843] Camino dragon shows up.

[844] Yeah, they're fucking monsters.

[845] And alligators are not that aggressive.

[846] They're not nearly as aggressive as crocodiles.

[847] Crocodiles are really dangerous.

[848] What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

[849] The looks are different.

[850] A crocodile, their teeth stick out of their mouth a little bit, and they have a longer snout.

[851] Alligators have a shorter, stubbier, wider snout.

[852] But alligators in general are bigger than crocodiles, right?

[853] No. Crocodiles, they can get bigger.

[854] I think maybe American alligators might be bigger than American alligators.

[855] and crocodiles, but the biggest crocodiles are the biggest of that species, that form.

[856] They're so similar, though.

[857] I mean, shit, if you didn't know and you saw an alligator and a crocodile, you would say that's the same thing.

[858] It's like a Mexican and a Guatemalan.

[859] Exactly.

[860] Yeah, they don't look much different, man. But apparently they're way more aggressive.

[861] Crocodiles are much, much more aggressive.

[862] I watched some documentary on alligators and crocodiles, and they had this...

[863] place in, I believe it was in Florida, where they were raising them.

[864] And they had all these crocodiles, these alligators, and one crocodile.

[865] And the crocodile would run over the top of the alligator's head when they would feed.

[866] Jesus.

[867] He would be, bitch, just stepping over them to get to the food.

[868] Just super, way more aggressive than the alligators.

[869] But in general, you're right.

[870] I don't know how people, I mean, once in a while we got mountain lions and stuff.

[871] But generally speaking, I almost, you know, would that suck if you're just hanging out in a crocodile or an alligator shows up in your backyard?

[872] Now what do you do?

[873] Yeah.

[874] Well, there was a funny story in Miami about a guy who was running from the law, and in a high -speed chase, ditches his car, wipes his car out, jumps into a fucking river, and wherever he was, or jumped into a lake, the moment he jumped in, he got killed by an alligator.

[875] Oh, my God.

[876] He just landed, like, right next to an alligator, and the alligator jacked him right in front of the cops.

[877] Oh, my God.

[878] I mean, it's a fucking movie.

[879] That is hilarious.

[880] It's a fucking movie.

[881] That's so funny.

[882] The guy jumps out of the car, dives into the water, and right away, boom, gets killed.

[883] That's hilarious.

[884] Yeah.

[885] It happens.

[886] Those cops are good, man. Yeah.

[887] They got alligators working with them.

[888] That's like, I was actually, I read when I just, I mentioned the, is it Kimono?

[889] Kimono Dragon, right?

[890] Yeah.

[891] Some guy I read in the paper, this guy was like on a boat or something, or he was surfing, or something happened.

[892] I think he was on a boat, and he went shipwrecked.

[893] So this poor guy swims to the first.

[894] Piece of land he finds.

[895] He swims to the shore and a Komodo dragon confronts him.

[896] I was like, this poor guy.

[897] Can you imagine?

[898] It's like a video game.

[899] You survive the thing and now you show up and you're like, oh great.

[900] Now if I kill him, what's next?

[901] Did he live?

[902] I think he lived.

[903] Holy shit.

[904] There was a guy who was dating Sharon Stone.

[905] Sharon Stone's boyfriend.

[906] Oh yeah.

[907] He was some newspaper guy or something like that.

[908] Apparently he was in a whole room full of Komodo dragons at a zoo.

[909] And he had white socks.

[910] and the Komodo dragon mistook his white foot for a rabbit.

[911] So it just snapped down on his foot.

[912] The guy's fucking screaming.

[913] And the poison they have in their saliva.

[914] They have botulism and all sorts of horrible bacteria in their saliva.

[915] And you get deathly ill from those bites.

[916] You have to go on some radical antibiotics immediately.

[917] Or you're going to die.

[918] Because that's how it kills things.

[919] The kimono dragons bite things and then just follow them.

[920] Just infect them with their saliva.

[921] There's a video of one that kills a water buffalo.

[922] And it bites this water buffalo.

[923] It cracks it in the leg, and the water buffalo runs away, and then it slowly follows it for a day while it poisons itself.

[924] It slowly gets poisoned from that bite.

[925] It's fucking crazy.

[926] That is ruthless.

[927] Did Sharon Stone's guy die, or he lived?

[928] No, he lived, because they were right there, and they got the thing off of him.

[929] They got it off his foot.

[930] But, you know, he almost lost his foot.

[931] That is crazy.

[932] That stuff is, they're so dangerous.

[933] They're fucking, they played by a whole different set of rules, son.

[934] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[935] This is 65 million years ago, these motherfuckers were roaming around.

[936] He's a co -son.

[937] Yeah.

[938] Yeah.

[939] Yeah.

[940] That's crazy.

[941] Animals in general.

[942] I was thinking about that lady at SeaWorld that got the whale that just took her.

[943] I mean, can you imagine?

[944] I mean, ooh.

[945] It's terrifying.

[946] Yeah, you can't talk your way out of it.

[947] It's terrifying.

[948] And the really terrifying thing about the killer whale thing is that we know that they're smart.

[949] We know that they're intelligent.

[950] They're not as smart as us, but they're pretty goddamn close.

[951] They can't change their environment like us, and we show there's no evidence of them being able to create things and build items like we can.

[952] But we know they have dialects.

[953] We know that they're super intelligent as far as their language, and it varies from sector to sector.

[954] And we also know that they're incredibly attached to their family, and they have this really...

[955] broad language that we don't even totally understand.

[956] So we know that they're these super intense, intelligent animals, and we still lock them up in swimming pools.

[957] We just go, fuck you.

[958] I don't understand what you're saying.

[959] What?

[960] What are you saying?

[961] Get in there.

[962] If that thing was saying, please, I want to be with my mother.

[963] Please let me go.

[964] If it could actually talk and tell you what they really feel, they would be screaming in agony every night.

[965] They stuffed them into these little tiny tanks.

[966] It's like a refugee camp or something.

[967] Yeah.

[968] They make them perform, and one of the ways they make them perform is stuffing them into these little tanks at night to punish them.

[969] Yeah, and then now they learn to jump so you can edit and people will clap for you.

[970] You don't even want people to clap for you.

[971] This whale had killed at least two people, too.

[972] That is crazy.

[973] Yeah, he's killed at least two.

[974] He's a bad motherfucker.

[975] He doesn't want to deal with their bullshit, man. And, you know, he's right.

[976] I see his point.

[977] Fuck, man. If aliens came and they were smarter than us and they just couldn't understand us and we're talking to them like, please, we'll get our shit together.

[978] We'll stop polluting the ocean.

[979] Please don't fucking eat us.

[980] And then they just started eating people.

[981] They're like, I don't understand you, bitch.

[982] So I'm just going to throw you in the zoo, the people zoo.

[983] This guy's like the revolutionary of Wales.

[984] He's like the Che Guevara of Wales.

[985] He's busting out.

[986] He is.

[987] He is.

[988] I mean, look, I'm on team people 100%, but we should totally rethink SeaWorld.

[989] We should totally rethink anything where super intelligent animals like that are entrapped.

[990] You feed them fish.

[991] They're depressed.

[992] They have to be.

[993] There's no way you could be a happy fucking imprisoned dolphin.

[994] I mean, it's pretty entertaining for your kids.

[995] But beyond that, I took my kid to the aquarium at Mandalay Bay.

[996] And he was two and a half.

[997] He would see the shark.

[998] He was just like, shark, shark.

[999] And he would take my head.

[1000] I was holding him.

[1001] He'd take my head and just twist it to wherever the shark was.

[1002] I was like, they should hire him out at the front and be like, you want a tour from this guy?

[1003] And he just takes your head, shark, shark.

[1004] He should be in a commercial.

[1005] Oh, yeah.

[1006] That would be a great commercial, right?

[1007] That would be a great commercial.

[1008] That's different, though.

[1009] That's fish.

[1010] Yeah, that's true.

[1011] Fish can go fuck themselves.

[1012] They're stupid.

[1013] They don't even take care of their young.

[1014] They just jerk off on eggs.

[1015] become babies.

[1016] I don't care about fish.

[1017] But dolphins, I know that they can think.

[1018] Oh, yeah.

[1019] Can you watch The Cove?

[1020] Did you see The Cove?

[1021] No, I didn't see The Cove.

[1022] It's terrifying.

[1023] You see the slaughter of Japanese, the Japanese slaughter of those dolphins.

[1024] It's so hard to watch, man, because you know they're smart.

[1025] Dolphins are smart as fuck.

[1026] They're like little weird, intelligent aliens, almost like little water elves.

[1027] Like they're playful little water elves.

[1028] They're super smart, man. And they seem benign.

[1029] I mean, I don't know.

[1030] I'm sure they have both sides, but they seem very benign.

[1031] They'll rape you.

[1032] They'll rape you, but you know.

[1033] They'll throw a raping on your ass.

[1034] I'll try it out once.

[1035] Can you imagine that?

[1036] How do you come back and report?

[1037] Did you see the video online of a woman getting humped on a dock?

[1038] Yeah.

[1039] By a dolphin?

[1040] Is that legit?

[1041] It was a guy.

[1042] Is it a guy?

[1043] Yeah.

[1044] It's a gay dolphin.

[1045] Yeah.

[1046] Gay rapist dolphin.

[1047] I love it.

[1048] It's great.

[1049] Yeah, I don't know, man. I think eventually we're going to have to come to the conclusion that zoos are really cruel and inhumane punishment, and those are animal prisons.

[1050] Oh, you've been to the L .A. Zoo, man?

[1051] Yeah, I've been to the L .A. Zoo.

[1052] It's just miserable.

[1053] It's horrible.

[1054] It's the worst zoo.

[1055] Half of it's not even open, so you're just walking by old ghost parts.

[1056] Eddie Bravo fucked up and went to the zoo on mushrooms.

[1057] Oh, no. What an awful.

[1058] He said it was so sad.

[1059] He said it was like the saddest day ever.

[1060] He said all you could do, you feel all the negative s***.

[1061] sad energy from these poor animals and people staring at them.

[1062] And their animals are usually, I mean, they seem like every little display you went to, like the animal was just looking for shade.

[1063] Yeah.

[1064] He didn't want to entertain you.

[1065] Yeah.

[1066] He was just in the corner somewhere looking for shade.

[1067] And then they had like an elephant thing and it was in the back and they had like, we didn't make it.

[1068] The guy was like, it's a long, long walk.

[1069] It's so poorly thought out too because look, human beings have a bunch of systems that are put in place to ensure that we breed, to ensure that we succeed in life, to ensure that we...

[1070] you know, accomplish things.

[1071] There's all these things that are set up in order for us to live, you know, the human way.

[1072] Well, for animals, there's all these instincts set up in their minds too.

[1073] One of the big ones is to kill things.

[1074] To kill things to survive.

[1075] You know, they get that charge that, I mean, that's what is fun for them.

[1076] That is what is the joy of life.

[1077] I mean, it seems cruel and fucked up, but the joy of life for a lion is to take out a gazelle.

[1078] I mean, that's what it is.

[1079] That's what it's there for.

[1080] So if you're going to have real animals and you're going to have them in these...

[1081] locked down environments and pretend that it's good for them and pretend that it's a good environment, you've got to let them kill things, man. Let them kill things in there.

[1082] It's like I went to Kenya once, and they have the animal preserve.

[1083] So you just go in, and it's almost like you're going into their turf now to check it out.

[1084] So they're not caged.

[1085] But it was actually really interesting.

[1086] So you go somewhere, and there they are just doing their natural thing.

[1087] It was a lot more natural, it seemed.

[1088] The one thing was we were driving back, and we saw a rhino.

[1089] And we were in this little, like they give us this minivan.

[1090] It was this little van, and we had this driver, this Kenyan driver.

[1091] And he wasn't at all armed.

[1092] He didn't seem like he was there to protect us.

[1093] Remember the gods must be crazy?

[1094] Remember the skinny?

[1095] It seemed like that's the guy that was driving us.

[1096] There was no defense mechanism.

[1097] So this guy stops, and there's eight or nine of us, all Westerners, and this rhino is eating.

[1098] And we're like, look, rhino, rhino.

[1099] And he looks up.

[1100] And he gives us this look of death.

[1101] It's almost like you just interrupted Suge Knight in the middle of some business meeting.

[1102] And we all freaked out.

[1103] It was an intimidating look.

[1104] We're like, go, go, go.

[1105] And the guy's like...

[1106] Like Fred Flintstone -y, like get the car going.

[1107] Yeah, exactly.

[1108] And our friends were telling us what these guys do.

[1109] I guess they're colorblind, the rhinos, and they just see something.

[1110] And if it's disturbing them, they just run.

[1111] They would ramp.

[1112] He would have rammed us, and they'll tip you over.

[1113] And now it's, you know, whatever, however it plays out, it plays out.

[1114] Oh, Jesus.

[1115] You all get stomped to death.

[1116] Yeah, some shit.

[1117] Fuck.

[1118] It's pretty crazy.

[1119] Dude.

[1120] Rhinos and hippos are two of my number one fears as far as animals go.

[1121] I was going to say hungry hippos.

[1122] Hungry, hungry hippos.

[1123] Hungry, hungry hippos.

[1124] Hippos, I think, are responsible for more human deaths than any other animal in Africa other than ants.

[1125] Really?

[1126] I believe ants are responsible for more human death than any animal in Africa.

[1127] How do ants kill people?

[1128] Oh, shit, dude.

[1129] In Africa, they've got real problems with giant swarms of poisonous ants.

[1130] Oh, shit.

[1131] Yeah, army ants and all these different...

[1132] There's so many really vicious ants, especially like in the Amazon.

[1133] There's a thing called the bullet ant, and they actually use them for coming -of -age ceremonies where they make these young men stick their hand in these gloves that are filled.

[1134] with these bullet ants oh my god and these bullet ants it's unbearable pain for like 24 hours for each bite oh like unbearable like getting your hands slammed in a car door all day long that is crazy yeah like insane pain and that's like the coming of age thing is that if a man can get through this he can truly be a man should get that on fear factor But in Africa, Brian Callen actually was working.

[1135] When he first got out of college, he wanted to work with insects.

[1136] And he wanted to study them overseas.

[1137] And one of the things that scared him off is because he went, I think, to Bornea.

[1138] He went to some crazy fucking jungle.

[1139] And they had to put turpentine.

[1140] They all slept on platforms.

[1141] And they had to put turpentine all over the legs of the platform.

[1142] And they have to be elevated above the floor of the jungle.

[1143] Because if you leave them on the floor of the jungle, and the ants come up, once one ant bites you and sends a signal, there will be millions of ants on you, poisonous ants on you, and you won't be able to stop it.

[1144] There's nothing you can do.

[1145] They will eat you alive.

[1146] Not even from shushing?

[1147] They take out elephants.

[1148] They climb up elephants' legs and they climb in their ears and start eating them alive.

[1149] Dude, the more I hear things like this, the more I realize I just want to go to Four Seasons hotels around the world staying in Burbank.

[1150] Have the waffles at the breakfast buffet.

[1151] It's all good, man. I know some people are like, adventures.

[1152] We're going to go into the jungle.

[1153] I'm like, you go camping, bro.

[1154] I'll be at the Four Seasons.

[1155] Brian said that they poured turpentine all over the legs of this platform that they're sleeping on.

[1156] They have the hut, and the hut is above the platform.

[1157] And he said, in the night, you can hear them marching.

[1158] He said, there's so many ants, and they're so terrifying that you can hear them marching.

[1159] Oh, my God.

[1160] That is creepy.

[1161] You hear millions and millions of ants just waiting to stumble on something.

[1162] And whatever they stumble on, whether it's, you know, they'll climb up a tree and find some young birds, you know, that are stuck in the nest and swarm millions of them.

[1163] So, like, there's a lot of jungles.

[1164] The birds will try to put their nests on the highest possible branch.

[1165] And a lot of it is to avoid ants.

[1166] That is ridiculous.

[1167] Ants are motherfuckers, dude.

[1168] That's like, you know, it's funny because, like, when, you know, when you travel, you realize what you were saying.

[1169] Like, it's like the...

[1170] the amount of stuff that's going, the difficulty to live in some other places.

[1171] When I went to Kenya, we went for a wedding.

[1172] Just to go to Kenya, you got to get shots for dengue fever, yellow fever, jungle fever, all kinds of fever.

[1173] Malaria?

[1174] Yeah, malaria.

[1175] I was like, what the fuck?

[1176] Where are we going?

[1177] I don't know about this.

[1178] I have yellow fever.

[1179] You're going to the motherland, baby.

[1180] You're going to the motherland if you get some jungle fever.

[1181] Yeah.

[1182] That is the motherland, too.

[1183] That's where it all began.

[1184] That's where human beings were hatched.

[1185] That's pretty crazy that it's still so fucking wild.

[1186] It's crazy, right?

[1187] When you look at Africa, the continent, like you ever watch those documentaries on Africa and compare it to any other continent in the world, you're like, what the fuck, man?

[1188] You got wildebeest and lions and saltwater crocodiles and fucking great white sharks.

[1189] Parks off the coast of South Africa.

[1190] Ants that'll eat you.

[1191] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[1192] No continent is crazier than Africa.

[1193] I guess Australia is probably a close.

[1194] Don't even get started on the flies.

[1195] You know how annoying that would be in your eyes, just sitting on your face all the time?

[1196] Oh, there's so many flies in Africa.

[1197] Yeah, whenever you see those poor starving kids, it's one of the saddest things about those videos.

[1198] Their eyes are covered with flies and shit.

[1199] What a fucking crazy place on earth.

[1200] I'm obsessed with the Congo, man. I've got a bunch of documentaries on the Congo.

[1201] One of the best ones is from the BBC.

[1202] But one of the most fascinating things about the Congo is there's so many areas of it that people barely get to.

[1203] It's unbelievable how fucking dense it is.

[1204] And at one point in time, Europeans tried to settle it.

[1205] They tried to build these giant mansions and shit, and some of them are still there in frame, but they just got swallowed up by the jungle.

[1206] It's just too wild.

[1207] But what's crazy is you've got nature, and then you've got rebels fighting each other.

[1208] So you might survive the ants, but you're going to be taken down by the whatever, the Congonese rebel.

[1209] Yeah, there's a lot of problems because they're fighting over resources.

[1210] There's a lot of minerals in the Congo.

[1211] There's a lot of minerals they use to make cell phones and shit like that.

[1212] And a lot of that is where they harvest it out of Congo.

[1213] Have you ever performed in South Africa?

[1214] Fuck no. You haven't, huh?

[1215] No. They do festivals.

[1216] I want to go one more time.

[1217] Have a good time.

[1218] No, no. It's supposed to be pretty cool.

[1219] I'm sure it is, man. No, no, no. I'm tired of traveling, man. I enjoy going to the UK like once a year.

[1220] But even that is like enough.

[1221] I go to Australia once a year.

[1222] Enough.

[1223] No, I hear you.

[1224] Me too.

[1225] It's too much.

[1226] I'm sick of the traveling.

[1227] I mean, I'd be curious.

[1228] But it's funny because people ask.

[1229] The fun part of stand -up is actually being on stage and doing a show.

[1230] And I'd rather just drive up the block to Sunset.

[1231] Go to Brea, yeah.

[1232] Just go and just do it there than get on a friggin' plane.

[1233] Well, we're in a great spot, too, because we can work so many places around here.

[1234] You can go to Comedy Magic Club in Hermosa Beach.

[1235] You can go to the Ice House.

[1236] You can go to San Diego.

[1237] You can go to Irvine.

[1238] You can go to Brea.

[1239] You can go to Ontario.

[1240] You can do all the improvs.

[1241] And you rotate all these clubs.

[1242] And after a while, you just start back up on the first one.

[1243] again you know it's like 15 20 weeks later yeah yeah and they're just doing these same clubs over and over again i won't even perform inside of a south african you just claim claim you can't i can't help you south africa is uh i'm sure it's a great place i like d antward yeah They got good music, but I don't want to go there.

[1244] I like District 9, too.

[1245] I was thinking of going.

[1246] There was an offer to go this summer, and I was thinking exactly what you say, because I got two young kids now and my wife.

[1247] So I was like, well, maybe I'll just take everybody with me. And I was like, well, maybe take the nanny, too.

[1248] To Africa, dude?

[1249] Dude, I started doing the math.

[1250] I'm like, I'm going to be losing a lot of money.

[1251] I was like, screw it.

[1252] We're going to stay here.

[1253] Bring Chevy Chase.

[1254] You must have a big international following now.

[1255] you've really become like, as far as like, would you call it the Persian community or the Iranian community?

[1256] Yeah, it's a little bit, you know, the Persian community is like my first probably, it's funny, like Tripoli one time, Sam Tripoli was like, he's like, you're like the Persian Elvis, otherwise known as pelvis.

[1257] That sounds like a Tripoli line.

[1258] So that's like my, like you got the Persian Middle Easterners, then you got like Arabs, you know, and then after that, like then like you've got like NPR types that are into like world.

[1259] You know what I'm saying?

[1260] NPR types.

[1261] That's hilarious.

[1262] Yeah, I'm telling you, man. We love the fact that you're different.

[1263] Yeah, no, it's actually pretty funny, though.

[1264] It's actually good to, like, do stand -up in front of people that know the difference between Iran and Iraq.

[1265] You know what I'm saying?

[1266] Right.

[1267] As opposed to, like, doing it in front of someone who's like, what the fuck?

[1268] You know, it's all the same shit.

[1269] It's all the same shit.

[1270] Yeah, just blow it up.

[1271] You know?

[1272] So, no, it has become a thing.

[1273] What happened was in 07, when we were still doing the Acts of Evil, me, Ahmed, and Aaron, we went out to...

[1274] And this is a tour that you guys were on.

[1275] The Access of Evil Comedy.

[1276] The Access of Evil Comedy Tour.

[1277] It actually originally started with Mitzi Shore, who put us together and called it the Arabian Nights.

[1278] Ah, that's right.

[1279] This was in 2000.

[1280] She put it as the Arabian Nights.

[1281] And Iranians aren't Arabs.

[1282] So we'd do shows, and inevitably, Iranians would come up afterwards and be like, it was a good show, but we're not Arabs.

[1283] And I was like, I know.

[1284] And Iranians are very sensitive about that.

[1285] I actually read a National Geographic article.

[1286] This journalist went into Iran.

[1287] and said, I was interviewing people.

[1288] And he goes, I asked people, what do you want the world to know about you?

[1289] He said the first thing they would always say is we're not Arabs.

[1290] The second thing, we're not terrorists.

[1291] So it's like it's better to be a terrorist than an Arab in their mind.

[1292] In America, we know so little about Iran other than the Iran hostage crisis and that you guys are trying to get nuclear power and blow shit up.

[1293] Yeah, so you know all the negative shit.

[1294] Exactly, exactly.

[1295] And then we know about this most recent almost takeover of the government.

[1296] Yeah, the Green Movement, because what happened was in 2009 there was elections and there was obviously voter fraud.

[1297] So then there was protests in the streets.

[1298] Actually, that was the first time where I had Americans coming up to me going like, wow, there's so many beautiful women.

[1299] Because the protesters, there was a lot of women in them.

[1300] And there was dudes in jeans.

[1301] So people were coming up and going like, aren't they supposed to be wearing burqas and turbans?

[1302] I'm like, no, man. Tehran is an international city, man. Yeah, Iran is much more sophisticated and much more ahead than we've been let on.

[1303] We've lumped them in with like...

[1304] Pakistan and Afghanistan.

[1305] Afghanistan, I think, is probably the one that's the least developed.

[1306] But even those countries, they have a lot of Western influences and also a lot of, especially with technology and stuff now, there's a lot of people that are advanced in these countries, especially if you go to a major city.

[1307] You're going to see hustle and bustle.

[1308] You're going to see some dude driving a Mercedes -Benz as a multimillionaire.

[1309] And then you're going to see some dude pushing a cart who's making five bucks a year or something.

[1310] You know what I'm saying?

[1311] Right.

[1312] So this exists.

[1313] But I think a lot of people's image of the Middle East is just dudes in turbans and women in burkas.

[1314] And it's like, first of all, the burka is pretty exclusive to like...

[1315] Afghanistan where they would wear the full thing, the blue thing under the Taliban where they had to cover themselves and they could just barely see out of that little mesh.

[1316] I love that shit.

[1317] I would love my girlfriend to wear that shit.

[1318] It could be kind of sexy.

[1319] That's the weakest pimp move of all time.

[1320] No, no, no, no, no. Cover everything.

[1321] Even your nose.

[1322] I'll let her cut the tits out or something.

[1323] Just have your eyes and tits.

[1324] That would be fine.

[1325] Just the eyes with stars over the nipples.

[1326] Market that online.

[1327] See if people would buy it.

[1328] I think you found...

[1329] your niche.

[1330] Burka sex clothes.

[1331] There was a woman at the mall in Texas.

[1332] I was in Texas recently and there was a woman at the mall that was in full gear.

[1333] All you could see was her eyes.

[1334] I was like, wow, this is crazy.

[1335] She's going fucking biblical.

[1336] I think that's hot.

[1337] We did a show in Saudi Arabia with Ahmed.

[1338] You know, after the show, a lot of people that come to our shows are either they've either traveled in the West or they're Western educated or they're expats.

[1339] So, you know, after the show, taking pictures and all the people coming up and this one girl came up in one of those.

[1340] It's like she was fully covered except for the eyes.

[1341] Wow.

[1342] And she took a picture with us.

[1343] And I was like.

[1344] What the fuck?

[1345] No one's going to...

[1346] It's like you could be anybody.

[1347] It has that superhero vibe, though.

[1348] You don't know who this person is.

[1349] You don't know if they're going to take off their burger and the most beautiful woman in the world.

[1350] I love that.

[1351] She's subservient to you, right?

[1352] You and only you.

[1353] She washes your feet before she blows you.

[1354] It's funny because you've got the burqa, which is Afghanistan.

[1355] Then you've got the veil kind of thing with the eyes covered, which is like Saudi Arabia do that a lot.

[1356] Then in Iran, you've got some that are religious that will cover their hair and everything, but you see the full face.

[1357] Then you've got Dubai.

[1358] You've got these girls.

[1359] It's ridiculous.

[1360] They wear the thing, but they're blinged out.

[1361] You'll see designer shoes.

[1362] Even the thing that covers them, they put little diamond studs on them and stuff.

[1363] Really?

[1364] It's the weirdest thing.

[1365] It's hot.

[1366] Actually, they're pretty cute.

[1367] Then there's become this thing there now where the women, it's weird.

[1368] They want the hair to seem like it's puffier.

[1369] They'll take a can -like thing like this and they'll roll their hair up in it.

[1370] It's a bump.

[1371] Then they put it there.

[1372] It looks very like...

[1373] Star Wars -y, like a princess in Star Wars.

[1374] They might as well be Star Wars -y with those crazy robes.

[1375] That's some Obi -Wan Kenobi shit.

[1376] Yeah, it is.

[1377] It is some Obi -Wan Kenobi shit.

[1378] Actually, you know what?

[1379] The Obi -Wan Kenobi, you know what?

[1380] I was in...

[1381] I went to Morocco just to travel, not to do shows.

[1382] This was years ago.

[1383] I went to Morocco, and we went to Fez, which is the coolest place.

[1384] The Fez cap comes from that.

[1385] You know the Fez cap, like that with the little thing?

[1386] Right.

[1387] Anyway, and they told us, I went there with now my wife, who was then my girlfriend, and she was studying in the south of Spain, so we took a boat over, and we had no preparation.

[1388] You should research before you go.

[1389] So we're on our way, on the boat, we're reading this little guidebook, and it goes, whatever you do, don't accept a guide because they're going to, and Fez, they're going to try and come up to you and want to be your guide.

[1390] And talk to the hotel to get you a guide.

[1391] We didn't have a hotel.

[1392] We didn't know where we were going to stay.

[1393] And my girlfriend at the time kept saying, she said, my wife, she's like, we need to go to the old city.

[1394] That's supposed to be really nice, the old city.

[1395] Now, I don't speak Arabic.

[1396] I speak Farsi.

[1397] So I had no idea how you say old city in Arabic.

[1398] But the Moroccans, they speak French.

[1399] I've taken three years of French.

[1400] So the whole time in the train, I'm like, how do you say old city in French?

[1401] I'm like, is it la cita, you know, vecchio?

[1402] You know, I was like, that's not it.

[1403] So I finally asked some dude.

[1404] He's like, oh, l 'ancien ville.

[1405] It means the ancient city, l 'ancien ville.

[1406] So our plan was just land in Fez, find a cab, and say, take us to l 'ancien ville.

[1407] So we get in the cab, and the cab driver's like, where in L 'Ancienville?

[1408] I'm like, just L 'Ancienville.

[1409] He's like, a hotel?

[1410] I'm like, yeah.

[1411] I was like, just go to some hotels.

[1412] So the dude takes us.

[1413] We go into the ancient city, and then right when we get there, some guy flags him down.

[1414] The dude walks over to the passenger side.

[1415] And leans his head in and says something in Arabic to the driver.

[1416] And then he leans to us.

[1417] He goes, hello, I will show you.

[1418] You look for a hotel.

[1419] He sounded like Borat.

[1420] I swear to God.

[1421] You look for a hotel.

[1422] And we're like, no, we're okay.

[1423] He's like, no, I will show.

[1424] Don't worry.

[1425] And he got into the car.

[1426] I'm like, shit, we're getting kidnapped.

[1427] And he takes us to some, like, they have these, like, old homes that are turned into hotels.

[1428] It was really nice.

[1429] But nobody was staying there.

[1430] So he takes us there.

[1431] Anyway, so he becomes our guide.

[1432] Unintentionally, he's now our guide.

[1433] This is what you were told to avoid.

[1434] To avoid.

[1435] I'm telling my wife, I'm like, shit, now we got a guide.

[1436] How do we tell him no?

[1437] He's like, don't worry.

[1438] I show you around.

[1439] If you like, then maybe you can give something.

[1440] He didn't even bring up the money thing.

[1441] He's like, let me take you here.

[1442] Then he said, let me take you dinner.

[1443] I would have kicked that motherfucker right out of that guy.

[1444] Dude, it's one of these situations, though, where you're like, okay, this guy's a local.

[1445] You feel intimidated because you're like, they know each other somehow.

[1446] You're kind of like, let's go along, but just be ready to run at any minute.

[1447] You know what I'm saying?

[1448] That's so crazy.

[1449] So we ended up in some, he's like, let me take you for dinner.

[1450] We go to this restaurant.

[1451] I'm not kidding.

[1452] There was like balloons and banners.

[1453] All this shit was up, but there was no one.

[1454] We were the only two eating at the restaurant.

[1455] And the waiter comes out.

[1456] The waiter was so excited to see us.

[1457] He's like, hello, hello.

[1458] And it's like the waiter was the waiter slash the cook slash the owner.

[1459] Like he would like go cook in the back and then come sit and watch us eat.

[1460] It was the craziest shit.

[1461] Wow.

[1462] But the Obi -Wan Kenobi shit that was crazy is these guides.

[1463] they actually wear the Obi -Wan Kenobi gown with the hat.

[1464] During the day, they wear it, and that's the official Fez.

[1465] like guide outfit like that like that's an official guide like the government i think recognizes them as guides and the weird one when i realized it was obi -wan kenobi and i was like i was like george lucas must have come to fez and come up with this because my wife and i the next day she the guy goes i'm going to show you the castle today and we're like all right so he takes us to like the castle he's like okay i cannot come close you go i come i see you at other side i guess they don't let the guides come so should we go we take a picture too and then we're like how's the guy gonna find us and we start walking and across the and I'm looking for the guy literally across the street in one of those Obi -Wan Kenobi, because that's what he's shown up with, Obi -Wan Kenobi outfits with the hood on.

[1466] He's kind of across the street watching us, nodding, and he's like, keep walking.

[1467] So he kind of kept an eye on us.

[1468] You know how in Star Wars, Obi -Wan was kind of weird like that, like disappeared?

[1469] So I was like, George Lucas must have come here and gotten a guide, and then he came up with the fucking Obi -Wan Kenobi.

[1470] Wow, that's so weird.

[1471] So how long has this guide outfit existed?

[1472] Dude, the guide outfit was his day outfit, and then by night he would show up kind of dressed regularly.

[1473] Whoa, that's so strange.

[1474] Did you ask how many years they've been doing this?

[1475] Is it an ancient tradition?

[1476] I didn't ask him about the outfit.

[1477] I just realized there was a bunch of guys with the outfit around.

[1478] Basically, you'd have your clothes underneath, and you'd just throw the robe on.

[1479] It's almost like a judge.

[1480] They just put it over.

[1481] Did you ever have a pet monkey that robbed you?

[1482] There was a pet monkey that robbed you.

[1483] It's funny you say that, because they actually, first of all, they do have pet monkeys out there.

[1484] that like do tricks and stuff.

[1485] But what he did was he took us to a rug store that he's like, you want to see rugs?

[1486] And I'm like, and at the time I was living with my mom.

[1487] Like I was dating my girlfriend, but I was living with my mom and I didn't have an apartment.

[1488] So I had nowhere to put rugs.

[1489] I was like, no, I don't need a rug.

[1490] He's like, just come and look at the rug, you know?

[1491] And so finally, like we go into this place, these guys, the Moroccans are the biggest sales people.

[1492] Like they will, like they will fucking, they will push you till you buy.

[1493] Like the guy, he came out, he's like, you want to look at drugs?

[1494] I was like, I don't really want to look at drugs.

[1495] He's like, just look, it's okay.

[1496] And then they bring you out mint tea.

[1497] So now I'm looking at my girl.

[1498] I'm like, oh, this is fun.

[1499] They're going to give us free mint tea.

[1500] And all we got to do is look at some drugs.

[1501] And he's like, okay, out of these 10, what do you like?

[1502] I'm like, those are kind of nice.

[1503] He's like, okay, I give to you for, you know, whatever, $5 ,000.

[1504] I'm like, dude, I don't have a place to put them.

[1505] He's like, okay, which three do you like?

[1506] I was like, I don't want any.

[1507] He started negotiating.

[1508] I didn't even know I was.

[1509] negotiating finally i'm like okay first of all i'm waiting for my for her to bust in with like look dude we don't want the fucking rugs but she's just sitting there going like she's thinking because later on i asked her i was like why don't you bust in she's like i thought you're the man you're gonna take i was like no you gotta come in it's like the tight ass and then finally um what was funny was i was like oh i got i got the trump card here because it was literally in some back alley with like like like barely like they barely had like like like the door like you know it was all old school like like the bells like when there was like nothing technical about the place i'm like i got the trump card right here i'm just gonna let the dude know i got no cash bro i got credit cards and i said that and he's like We have credit card machine.

[1510] He went and got the old thing.

[1511] And then they sold me three rugs.

[1512] I'm not kidding.

[1513] And the funny thing is they shipped it to America.

[1514] And I'm not kidding.

[1515] I had no place to put them.

[1516] For six months, I drove around with three rugs in my trunk.

[1517] You still have them?

[1518] I gave them away to relatives that had apartments.

[1519] I actually have started to talk about it in stand -up.

[1520] And I go, for six months, I was going around trying to sell it.

[1521] relatives you know no you just look have some mint tea you know but that's how they get you man but it's like but that's like we you know 1200 bucks man 1200 bucks i was like i have no idea what they i don't know if they're worth it i have no idea he scored he scored on you oh yeah they they ate for for a month It's funny how many cultures there are like that, that barter and try to get you to buy things on the street.

[1522] Oh, yeah.

[1523] Street peddling is a big part of a lot of cultures.

[1524] Oh, yeah.

[1525] That freaked me out when I first went to Tijuana.

[1526] Oh, yeah.

[1527] I'd never seen that before en masse, where people just selling everything on the street.

[1528] This was way back in the...

[1529] I went with Wheels.

[1530] Oh, yeah.

[1531] Wheels Parisi, yeah.

[1532] Wheels Parisi were doing the comedy store in La Jolla.

[1533] Oh, yeah.

[1534] And Wheels didn't even know how to get there.

[1535] I go, do you know how to go there?

[1536] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1537] I didn't know where the fuck he was going.

[1538] I'm like, how do we get back to America?

[1539] Yeah, I'm not sure.

[1540] I'm not sure.

[1541] Totally lost.

[1542] No navigation systems back then.

[1543] This is like the late 90s and shit.

[1544] You were lost, man. I was like, we got to get the fuck out of Mexico.

[1545] I was in Mexico.

[1546] I was in Tijuana for 20 minutes.

[1547] I was like, this is crazy.

[1548] I couldn't believe the stark contrast between San Diego, cross the border, all of a sudden you're in a third world.

[1549] Like, whoa, this is hookers everywhere.

[1550] Girls walk in the street, and you see guns open.

[1551] You see open guns.

[1552] There was so many creepy little fucking spots.

[1553] And we were driving around these little weird cities.

[1554] And I'm in a Toyota Supra Turbo, shiny little, looking like an L .A. douchebag, looking like a victim.

[1555] And the federales look free.

[1556] That's the problem in these places is the cops.

[1557] You got to look out for the cops.

[1558] Yeah, they're trying to rob you, man. I had that in Mexico where the guy, because then what they do is, first of all, you walk into the Mexican bazaar I went into, there was nobody there.

[1559] It was, like, dead.

[1560] It was, like, middle of the day.

[1561] No one's there.

[1562] And I walk in there, and the guy's like, hey, you want to buy, like, a bag or whatever?

[1563] You want to buy shoes?

[1564] I'm like, no, it's all right.

[1565] He's like, how about some weed?

[1566] I'm like, no. He's like, cocaine?

[1567] I'm like, no. And then he's like, fucking pussy.

[1568] They, like, turn on you.

[1569] I'm like, what happened, man?

[1570] We were bros. He's like, you fucking pussy.

[1571] Just because I don't want your heroin?

[1572] Come on, man. I'm like, we got to get out of here, man. Yeah, Mexico is a trippy place.

[1573] It's so strange that it's connected, you know, and people don't seem to recognize that threat, the fact that it's connected.

[1574] They actually said that McCain just came out, not that this means anything, but McCain just came out and said that giant forest fire they have going on right now in Arizona, you know about that, right?

[1575] Huge, out -of -control wildfire, and they think it was started by illegal immigrants setting up camp.

[1576] Oh, wow.

[1577] Yeah, you know, there's a lot of guys, they cross the border in Arizona, you know, little campfires and shit.

[1578] Whoops, forgot to put the campfire out.

[1579] Giant fucking 140 ,000 acre.

[1580] Who knows how many acres it is now.

[1581] That's crazy.

[1582] It's insane.

[1583] I'm actually scheduled to do some show in Mexico in the fall.

[1584] And what's funny is people are always scared of the Middle East and stuff.

[1585] But my wife and I were talking about all these kidnappings and stuff going on in Mexico.

[1586] And it's like, is it worth going down there?

[1587] I'm thinking about the same thing, like Cabo.

[1588] going somewhere in mexico but is it even worth going i heard that if you go to resorts you're fine my friend matt just got back from cabo he goes to cabo he loves it Cabo's supposed to still be nice, but there's Acapulco, which is real dangerous now.

[1589] Acapulco's supposed to be dangerous.

[1590] Cancun's supposed to be a little tricky.

[1591] They, for the most part, avoid the resort towns.

[1592] They don't want to fuck up business for everybody.

[1593] But in Acapulco, they've jacked people in resorts.

[1594] Really?

[1595] Yeah, Acapulco's apparently pretty shady right now.

[1596] But Cabo's supposed to be still good.

[1597] I was in Cabo.

[1598] It was good.

[1599] It was a nice resort.

[1600] It's actually funny.

[1601] Before all this was kind of going on, like...

[1602] Five, six years ago, I went to Cabo and we were staying at the Hilton and it was a nice place.

[1603] And it was kind of funny because everyone's out there, obviously, you know, tourists in their bathing suits.

[1604] And these two dudes showed up.

[1605] It was like Keystone.

[1606] It wasn't Keystone.

[1607] It was like bumbling idiot criminals.

[1608] They showed up, these two guys, with empty bags, like duffel bags almost, with their shirts off as if they're tourists, with jeans.

[1609] obviously not tourists.

[1610] Like, and there were these two Mexican dudes walking around the pool, like just checking shit out.

[1611] And like, look at this, walking around, looking for a place to like, like start snatching things.

[1612] And I looked at my wife, I was like, do those guys seem like they fit in here?

[1613] She's like, no. I was like, I better tell somebody.

[1614] I went over to the management.

[1615] We're like, those two dudes don't look like they're hotel clients.

[1616] And the next thing you know, they're getting escorted out.

[1617] They'd walked in, but it's like they did not invest in a bathing suit.

[1618] So at least you look the part.

[1619] They were in there with their jeans, with their shirts off.

[1620] You know, obviously not, you know, just did not fit in at all.

[1621] It's weird how quickly it's changed.

[1622] I went on vacation in Cancun, I think in like 2000, 2001.

[1623] I wouldn't even think about going there now.

[1624] Yeah.

[1625] It's too bad, too.

[1626] It's crazy.

[1627] There's so many spots I want to see.

[1628] I want to see all sorts of the Mayan ruins.

[1629] Yeah.

[1630] There's so many.

[1631] Pulum, and I've been to Chichen Itza, and there's one outside of Mexico City.

[1632] I would love to see them.

[1633] I mean, they're incredible.

[1634] Well, I guess there's that exhibit in Cabo, that underwater art exhibit.

[1635] Have you seen it?

[1636] I love it.

[1637] Where it's just a bunch of statues underneath the water, and you can go down there.

[1638] I think it's scuba dive or do something like that, where there's just this huge...

[1639] art piece underneath the ocean.

[1640] Oh, recently someone's put there.

[1641] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1642] And I guess if you're a good artist, they will let you add your own work to it.

[1643] Like if you're an artist.

[1644] So it's kind of cool.

[1645] So all these really good artists have been adding things to it.

[1646] And I guess it's just amazing.

[1647] That's badass.

[1648] And the only way you can get to it is by scuba diving?

[1649] I think so.

[1650] I'm not sure.

[1651] I'm not sure about that part.

[1652] But that's what I kind of gave her.

[1653] Maybe it's a boat.

[1654] Yeah.

[1655] Oh, that's cool.

[1656] They've got to write that country, man. They've got to figure it out.

[1657] They did with Columbia.

[1658] They straightened Columbia out.

[1659] Columbia.

[1660] Apparently, you can travel there now.

[1661] It used to be back in the 80s when the cocaine crisis was going on.

[1662] Colombia was just ridiculous.

[1663] Medellin was a goddamn war zone.

[1664] But now, apparently, you can go to Colombia.

[1665] They've taken care of shit.

[1666] They've cleaned it up.

[1667] I don't know if they're ever going to be able to do that with Mexico.

[1668] It's so close to the supply.

[1669] The cash supply of America is right there.

[1670] They can get the drugs and get that shit across quickly.

[1671] And they're doing crazy shit like rolling heads into discotheques and shit.

[1672] Have you heard about that?

[1673] Kill people and roll heads.

[1674] At what point do you go, I killed him, I cut off his head, let's roll it into a discotheque.

[1675] The other thing I've been thinking of is I guess Japan is so broke right now that it's so cheap to fly to Japan right now.

[1676] They need people.

[1677] to come to japan because no one's going now and so i heard that there's like flights for like ridiculous amounts of money from la like 300 bucks or something like that just to go to japan wow and i'm like now would you go to tokyo would you do that or is it doesn't do you know anything about it read up on what the levels are as far as radiation goes but the problem with japan and the radiation is that i don't think they've been entirely honest about it yeah i don't think they've been honest about the leak you know there's they're finding out that all three of them are melt throughs They're finding out all sorts of things where it turns out that the actual damage done by these nuclear disasters is far, far greater than what they had initially forecasted.

[1678] So who knows how far the spread of the radiation goes.

[1679] I would have to hear about that.

[1680] It would be a fucking shame to go there for a $300 ticket and just get fucking nuked.

[1681] Anything for a bargain.

[1682] Get bigger balls.

[1683] I would love to go to Japan, though, man. I've always wanted to go.

[1684] I was always hoping that we'd do a UFC in Japan.

[1685] It's such an amazing piece of history, that one part of the world.

[1686] world is so unique.

[1687] There are innovations as far as martial arts go and swordsmanship and literature.

[1688] And, you know, I mean, that's where the Book of Five Rings came from.

[1689] The Book of Five Rings is one of my, like, guidebooks for life, that Miyamoto Musashi book.

[1690] And that's, you know, all that samurai way, all that shit came from Japan.

[1691] It's an amazing culture.

[1692] It does seem like a pretty crazy.

[1693] And it feels like after, I don't know how they were before World War II, but it feels like after World War II, they became more capitalistic than we are even.

[1694] You know, like if you see like any...

[1695] footage I've seen ever it's like you know like the neon lights and the and just like the amount of like the Japanese and the products they love and you know it's just I don't think they're as materialistic as us though I don't think they purchase things and own things I don't think there's a lot of emphasis in their culture of owning things okay I think they spend all their money going out to eat and spend all their money drinking and spend makeup and it's different and you notice also notice that a lot of them all have like eyelashes fake eyelashes and they spend so much money the women okay the women spend Imagine if men started rocking fake eyelashes.

[1696] The first guy to do it.

[1697] But they kind of do.

[1698] They spend a lot more money on how they look.

[1699] Really?

[1700] The Americans?

[1701] What?

[1702] The Americans?

[1703] Well, I saw at the Saddle Ranch, I saw a group of like...

[1704] No, no, no. This is research.

[1705] This is research.

[1706] Seven kids.

[1707] And for sure they were from Japan?

[1708] Well, I don't know that.

[1709] Well, whatever.

[1710] China.

[1711] Same shit.

[1712] But they all had like their hair done with like the brown and the blonde streaks in it.

[1713] And they all had like their jeans that probably cost them $300.

[1714] They do.

[1715] They do.

[1716] I've always said the Japanese seem to be the most European of Asians.

[1717] Yeah.

[1718] Like they're very much into...

[1719] Like you said, it's kind of a different...

[1720] It seems like a different...

[1721] Look, you know, they are a little like hipper in their way.

[1722] You know what I'm saying?

[1723] It's mixed with hairstylists.

[1724] It's interesting how many Japanese people are into American culture.

[1725] Oh, yeah.

[1726] How much they follow it and are really, really, you know, enamored by Elvis.

[1727] Michael Jackson was like Superman for them.

[1728] Yeah.

[1729] It was crazy.

[1730] Yeah, it's a fascinating culture.

[1731] You know, when they had all these problems with the tsunamis and the earthquake and everything like that and people would wait in line for food and water and rations.

[1732] They were orderly as fuck, man. Their culture is so polite.

[1733] Somebody was telling me that.

[1734] Somebody told me that they went to a bar or something in Japan and people were lined up at the bar as opposed to the idea of just come at the bazaar mentality.

[1735] That's pretty crazy if you think about that.

[1736] Yeah, they're much more disciplined.

[1737] Much more disciplined and humble.

[1738] Did you ever see Babble, the movie Babble?

[1739] No. You never saw Babble?

[1740] No, what is it?

[1741] Oh, it's a great movie.

[1742] Inaritu, the director.

[1743] Did you ever see Amores Peros?

[1744] You know what?

[1745] No. With the dog fighting and all that?

[1746] That's one of those movies I bought on DVD and I put it down somewhere.

[1747] I have to get in the mood to watch a movie with subtitles.

[1748] The dude, he's a great director.

[1749] I've seen a few of his movies.

[1750] I think he also did 21 Grands.

[1751] I might be mistaken.

[1752] I think you're right.

[1753] Yeah, so he's got, like, the movies I've seen him do all have, like, two or three stories, and they all kind of intertwine somehow.

[1754] And this one, Babel, was amazing, and it had, like, three stories going on.

[1755] One of them was, it's Brad Pitt and not Naomi Watts, but I forget her name.

[1756] Anyway, they go to Morocco.

[1757] and they're visiting Morocco, and some shit goes down.

[1758] And then there's another story of a Mexican family who's trying to get to a wedding, I think, across the border, and then they get into some trouble.

[1759] And then there's a story of this Japanese girl.

[1760] This is what I was talking about, the Japanese thing.

[1761] It's so amazing.

[1762] This girl, I think she should have won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress that year.

[1763] She plays a deaf girl.

[1764] who's just depressed and living with her dad and this stuff.

[1765] As an actor, I don't know how you play deaf, and I don't know how you do it that well.

[1766] It's the most amazing thing.

[1767] And what was really cool about it was, so this girl's like a party girl, having a good time with her friends, but she's depressed.

[1768] this intense scene where like they're out, they're partying.

[1769] I think they do ecstasy or something and they end up at a, at a nightclub and it's the coolest thing because suddenly it goes from her perspective.

[1770] Imagine like from a deaf person's perspective, a nightclub.

[1771] So like, it's like, like really loud, but she's not hearing the whole thing.

[1772] It's just kind of like, It's like muddled, and she's kind of looking around, and it's the most intense shit.

[1773] I'm kind of getting goosebumps.

[1774] You've got to see it.

[1775] What's it called again?

[1776] It's called Babel, B -A -B -E -L.

[1777] It has a great soundtrack, too.

[1778] Oh, really?

[1779] I've heard of it.

[1780] And this scene, this girl killed it, and she ended up losing to Jennifer Hudson.

[1781] from Dreamgirls.

[1782] Was that the movie?

[1783] Yeah.

[1784] And I saw her.

[1785] I saw some of that.

[1786] I didn't see the whole thing in that, but I think that she won because it was like a popular, like she sang in that.

[1787] I mean, I'm sure there was some good acting in it, but this girl just knocked it out.

[1788] Like as an actor to sit there and watch somebody kill it like that, you're like, damn.

[1789] But it was all Japan and it was pretty cool.

[1790] It's a cool, kind of like a night in Japan kind of thing.

[1791] Such an unusual culture, man. Yeah.

[1792] It's a really crazy place.

[1793] They invented the suicide bombing, too.

[1794] They invented the kamikaze.

[1795] You know what they did?

[1796] They got people on crystal meth.

[1797] Really?

[1798] Yeah, that's how they got him to do kamikaze work.

[1799] Crazy as that.

[1800] They gave him crazy amphetamines and made him just fucking do nutty shit.

[1801] Crazy as that.

[1802] That makes sense, right?

[1803] You know what's interesting is when you realize, that's good to know, when you realize sometimes the motivation behind some things.

[1804] My dad, before he passed away, he used to tell me that a lot of the mullahs in Iran, a lot of people in Iran smoke opium.

[1805] It's like smoking weed, but it's opium.

[1806] And he was saying that a lot of these mullahs actually smoke opium.

[1807] And I ended up doing a bit about...

[1808] you know, stand up about how the reason these guys are talking shit to America is because they're high.

[1809] And suddenly start making sense.

[1810] Like even like Gaddafi, supposedly it's just high on all kinds of meds.

[1811] And so you realize why the guy's out there talking like he's fucking Tony Montana.

[1812] I don't know if you've seen some of the quotes, but he's like, I'm going to fight till the death.

[1813] So, you know, somebody might give him like credit is like, I mean, his followers would be like credit for like, oh, this guy's got balls.

[1814] He stand up to America.

[1815] But no, the guy's fucking high.

[1816] He's just talking shit.

[1817] Right.

[1818] And the same thing with these guys that are kamikaze, you know, it's like, oh, wow, there's a lot of balls to do that.

[1819] Yeah.

[1820] If you're fucking high on meth, you're like, yeah, I think I'm about to fucking take on this fucking boat with my little plane.

[1821] I just saw a movie.

[1822] You guys remember that movie airport?

[1823] It was big in the 70s.

[1824] It was kind of airport.

[1825] Yeah.

[1826] It was about a terrorism act that this guy, this guy lost his job.

[1827] The economy was shit.

[1828] and he was going to kill himself to collect on insurance.

[1829] And so he went on this plane, and it was kind of cool to see how planes used to be where people were smoking on them and all this crap.

[1830] And then he blew up a bomb on the plane, and it was so funny seeing how, A, how we used to think if a bomb blew up on a plane, like how this little hole came out and the wind blew around a little.

[1831] It was like, oh, it's windy in here, you know?

[1832] Like the plane's not falling to the ground or anything like that.

[1833] But, too, it's also weird just seeing, like, how the airport security used to be, how, like, this, how movies, like, this was a movie about a terrorist blowing up a bomb in 19, whatever, 79 or 72 or something.

[1834] I think it was even earlier than that.

[1835] But they made four movies about it.

[1836] I don't know if you guys ever seen it.

[1837] So this was actually an actual thing that happened and it was based on a true story?

[1838] No, no, no. This was just, like, their take of terrorism back in the 70s and, like, bombs and blowing up the planes.

[1839] Well, there was some terror.

[1840] Yeah, 1970 it was.

[1841] There was some terrorism back then.

[1842] I mean, there had been that event that happened at the Olympics.

[1843] The Munich Olympics, yeah.

[1844] What year was that?

[1845] That was the 72 Olympics.

[1846] Yeah, I mean, we've had terrorism forever.

[1847] Oh, yeah.

[1848] Well, they say even if you go back to the whole Jewish -Palestinian thing, before Israel became a state, the Jews were doing terrorist acts to try and get, you know.

[1849] To get more locks.

[1850] Yeah, to get more locks, yeah.

[1851] No, I mean, an oppressed people are always doing the terrorist act.

[1852] But no, the thing with what you're talking about, air travel and stuff, even now when you travel, when you go to different...

[1853] parts of the world, it's amazing to see their take on terrorism and their take through, like, the airport.

[1854] What's it like?

[1855] Well, I've just seen, like, I've been, like, I've been to airports now, sometimes in the Middle East, where the dude's, like, straight up, like, he's talking on his phone.

[1856] Like, the TSA guy is on an earpiece, talking on a phone, just like, go ahead.

[1857] And I was joking.

[1858] I was like, he's like, go ahead, you know, you can go because, you know, we're all terrorists.

[1859] Like, you know, that was my take, jokingly.

[1860] But, like, I've had that.

[1861] I've had dudes on the phone not paying attention.

[1862] I saw one TSA dude, literally, he kind of moved out of the way, and he was checking out chicks' asses as they would walk by.

[1863] That's where his mind was.

[1864] In Australia, I've done this.

[1865] Again, on domestic flights, you can take liquids on.

[1866] And I don't know what the deal.

[1867] Like, I was about to throw the water away, and the guy's like, no, bring it on.

[1868] It's all right.

[1869] And I'm like, that's kind of weird, man. Yeah, some places, they don't make you take your sneakers off.

[1870] Yeah, yeah.

[1871] It's just weird.

[1872] Different places, different takes on it.

[1873] The whole thing's ridiculous.

[1874] Or like, I'm sorry, I landed when my wife was studying in southwest Spain.

[1875] She was studying Marbella.

[1876] which is, like, known to be, like, a drug, like, drug slash, like, you know, mafia, all these, like, Russian mob.

[1877] Anyone who's doing some illegal shit goes to Marbella.

[1878] And when I landed at the airport, like, you know how, like, usually there's, like, you know, customs, this and that.

[1879] There's no, like, you could just, I was like, I could have, like, a bag filled with heroin right now.

[1880] And they're like, come on in, man. So it's known for being, like, an illegal.

[1881] Yeah, if you go down there...

[1882] Safe zone.

[1883] I'll tell you, I realized I was walking on the...

[1884] It's beautiful.

[1885] I was walking on the little boardwalk and I saw this like...

[1886] You know how some Russian dudes are just like, they're big.

[1887] This guy was big.

[1888] He had the short shorts, no shirt on, black socks all the way up to the knee, on a cell phone, just walking with a gold chain.

[1889] I'm like, that dude's a Russian mob.

[1890] Come on, man. That's like Tony Soprano going out for a walk.

[1891] Russian mob's way scarier to me than the Italian mob.

[1892] Oh, hell yeah.

[1893] The Italian mob has so much ego and flashiness.

[1894] All the shit that John Gotti did, everybody thought of John Gotti as like, wow, this is like the ultimate gangster.

[1895] No, that's the ultimate thing you're not supposed to do.

[1896] You're not supposed to be on TV where everybody knows who the fuck you are.

[1897] You're not supposed to be so blatant about it all, wearing fucking $15 ,000 suits.

[1898] You know, having people knocked off in front of steakhouses.

[1899] Like, this is ridiculous.

[1900] You guys are going to ruin the whole thing.

[1901] And it did wind up ruining the whole thing.

[1902] Whereas the Russian mobsters, when was the last time a Russian mobster got clipped and was on TV?

[1903] There's no Russian John Gottis.

[1904] There are, but you're never going to fucking hear about them.

[1905] Well, the thing about the Russians, too, is like, again, I talk about this on stage, and it's total truth.

[1906] It's like, they...

[1907] If you watch any time there's something going on, I would say whenever there's a hostage situation, these guys are so badass.

[1908] The military shows up, and they just kill everybody.

[1909] They're like, yeah, we might save some...

[1910] We might say some hostages, but they'll probably die.

[1911] We're going to kill the hostage takers, kill the hostages.

[1912] We might kill each other.

[1913] They're so badass.

[1914] And that's why I'm serious.

[1915] It's like the biggest mobsters in Russia.

[1916] It's like Vladimir Putin is the leader.

[1917] When he left as prime minister, he made the other guy.

[1918] What's his name?

[1919] His name just slipped my mind right now.

[1920] But he brought the other guy in as the president, and then he just became prime minister.

[1921] It's like when you pull shit like that, it's like, all right, this dude.

[1922] It's gangster shit.

[1923] It's gangster shit.

[1924] Yeah.

[1925] And he's a black belt in judo.

[1926] Yeah.

[1927] And he's a black belt in judo.

[1928] Like a legit black belt.

[1929] Still trains.

[1930] Yeah.

[1931] Flips people through the fucking air.

[1932] So he like lets everybody like Obama know.

[1933] Like, bitch, I'll kill you.

[1934] And you see it in the eyes.

[1935] Like when you watch, like, I'm sorry.

[1936] Again, I saw the press conference.

[1937] It was the contrast.

[1938] If you can like YouTube it, maybe like there's a, like after September 11th, there was a press conference with Bush and Putin.

[1939] And you know, like Bush was like with the speech, you know, with us or against us, smoke them out, the whole.

[1940] And Putin was just straight up like, what are you guys going to do?

[1941] He's like, we're going to kill them.

[1942] Like, who?

[1943] He's like, anyone wear a turban, we kill.

[1944] You see it in his eyes.

[1945] He's thinking like, okay, I will say what I need to say.

[1946] But afterwards, some dying is going to happen.

[1947] Well, apparently, you know, Bush and Putin had a meeting and Bush was so offensively ignorant.

[1948] that Putin immediately started changing the way he negotiates and deals with America afterwards.

[1949] Just didn't respect what Bush had to say.

[1950] Hilarious.

[1951] Bush was giving him advice about things, and he's like, who the fuck are you talking to, man?

[1952] I'm Vladimir Putin, bitch.

[1953] You're just the son of some fucking CIA agent who happens to be the puppet in charge.

[1954] I'm really running shit in Russia.

[1955] That's the difference between the president of America.

[1956] The president of America is like some sort of a fucking figurehead for giant.

[1957] corporations yeah the guy who's running russia is really running russia yeah yeah yeah yeah absolutely man yeah they're pretty badass you know i always say like i don't fuck with russians man It's a tough, tough world up there, man. Yeah.

[1958] You know, that fucking Staryoskel where Fedor Emelianenko, the former heavyweight pride champion, came from.

[1959] Yeah.

[1960] I never watched documentaries on that guy in that life.

[1961] You know, you look at him up there in that mining town near Siberia and shit.

[1962] Freezing fucking cold.

[1963] It's like hours away from St. Petersburg, Russia by train.

[1964] Yeah.

[1965] What the fuck are you doing out there, man?

[1966] Yeah, yeah.

[1967] Some hardy ass people.

[1968] Yeah, man. They don't fuck around.

[1969] You know, they have wolf problems up there.

[1970] Oh, do they?

[1971] Yeah, they're having giant packs of super wolves that are banding together for the first time and killing livestock because it's so fucking cold this winter.

[1972] It got so cold up there that many packs of wolves joined together to become one giant pack.

[1973] Oh, my God.

[1974] Because the freezing temperatures were killing all of their game, and they were getting desperate.

[1975] So they formed some sort of a new strategy and would go into fucking towns and just jack all their livestock.

[1976] Dude, that's got to be the worst way to go.

[1977] Can you imagine if you're walking home with your girlfriend?

[1978] or you know wife after like dinner one night you're like oh that was a great dinner and then you go oh And you look back, you're like, that's a pack of fucking wolves.

[1979] Wolves are terrifying to me. Oh, my God.

[1980] Because we've killed them off in this country, and then we started restocking them.

[1981] They're having a problem right now in Idaho, I believe it is, because they've stocked the giant gray wolf from Canada, and they brought it into Idaho to try to bring the populations up.

[1982] But now the populations are out of control, and they're in the several thousands, and now they're killing livestock and fucking things up.

[1983] And you have to worry about them with people, too, because they're big animals.

[1984] They're like 180 pounds.

[1985] Yeah.

[1986] And they will kill people.

[1987] Yeah.

[1988] Like all that big bad wolf shit and little bit of riding hood shit where there was always wolves.

[1989] That's because wolves used to kill people.

[1990] Yeah.

[1991] Yeah.

[1992] Before we figured out tanks and jets and guns and, you know, there was like, there was a real issue.

[1993] Yeah.

[1994] You don't want to fuck with a wolf, man. They're like Russians.

[1995] Don't fuck with them.

[1996] That's funny.

[1997] There was a great documentary on Yellowstone and the cycle of life in Yellowstone.

[1998] And one of the things it talked about is how the wolves got stronger over the winter and all these other animals got fucked.

[1999] All these.

[2000] other animals, like they couldn't find their vegetation.

[2001] They had digging through all the snow to get to their plants.

[2002] And the wolves were just eating all these deer.

[2003] So they would be well fed and they would be stronger.

[2004] And the livestock, the caribou, the deers, they would all slowly start to weaken and they would all just get taken out by wolves.

[2005] It was fascinating to watch, man. It's crazy.

[2006] Two thoughts came to mind.

[2007] One was, I remember as a kid in Iran, in Tehran, I left when I was six.

[2008] And I remember my dad was like, my dad was like a manly man. Like he's just like, you know, and he was a self.

[2009] made millionaire in Iran so like he was like back then like he was like the godfather like the shit he would do for people he was like the godfather like straight up like Don Corleone like come to him whatever you need done And all his friends were like wrestlers and shit, like tough dudes.

[2010] A lot of wrestlers out of my room.

[2011] A lot of wrestlers, yeah.

[2012] And then my dad was a big drinker because he was from northern Iran.

[2013] Tabriz was near the border of Russia, so vodka was like water.

[2014] They would drink it all the time.

[2015] So I just have this memory of my dad.

[2016] We were coming home from a party.

[2017] He was obviously drunk.

[2018] He was driving us home, and there was a pack of wild dogs.

[2019] down the block from where we lived and my dad was so crazy like like manly he pulled the car over and picked up a couple rocks and started chasing the pack of dogs Drunk on vodka.

[2020] I'm coming here.

[2021] I'm like, what the fuck?

[2022] Family in the car, and he's throwing rocks at wild dogs.

[2023] Yeah, and I'm sitting there as a kid going like, damn, my dad is badass.

[2024] When you grow up, you're like, no, man, my dad was drunk.

[2025] What the fuck?

[2026] Well, Iranians are famous for their physical conditioning.

[2027] There's a lot of techniques that they used from Iran that are still used today, like physical conditioning and certain, like the shield cast and a couple of fitness moves.

[2028] The wrestlers from Iran are known internationally for being some of the toughest wrestlers in the world, especially when you consider that Iran is not a very large country, but consistently produces top 10 world -class wrestlers every year.

[2029] Yeah, definitely.

[2030] Wrestling is one of our big sports there, and it's a huge thing.

[2031] Iron Sheik, bitch.

[2032] Iron Sheik, baby.

[2033] Recognized.

[2034] He was a legit wrestler at one point in time.

[2035] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2036] There's wrestling and weightlifting, too, is another one.

[2037] Iranians always compete.

[2038] It's kind of weird.

[2039] It's a manly competition.

[2040] Yeah, manly country.

[2041] But it's funny.

[2042] The other thought that came to mind with the wolves when you're talking about the wolves is having a kid.

[2043] I'm sure you've seen it.

[2044] It's funny how these children's books and obviously Big Bad Wolf, but once in a while they'll be like, you know.

[2045] the cute little wolf or the cute little, like some animals that like, you know, the hippo.

[2046] My son loves hippos.

[2047] He was talking about like hippos are known for the most deaths.

[2048] But my son's like, you know, hippo, hippo.

[2049] And like, they're so cute.

[2050] How about polar bears?

[2051] It's so coke.

[2052] Oh yeah, exactly.

[2053] Coca -Cola, polar bear.

[2054] Yeah.

[2055] Monsters.

[2056] Yeah.

[2057] It's crazy.

[2058] Fucking evil cunts.

[2059] Yeah.

[2060] Yeah.

[2061] It's funny.

[2062] Like you could do like a, you could do like a spoof, like a behind, like a. Like behind the scenes.

[2063] You know how some actors that are so lovable end up being such assholes?

[2064] Yeah, exactly.

[2065] Exactly.

[2066] That's hilarious.

[2067] Like the fucking star baseball player who tells a kid to go fuck himself and ask for an autograph.

[2068] You're like, what the fuck, mister?

[2069] You're my hero.

[2070] I love hippos.

[2071] Trying to eat you.

[2072] Fucking biting your car tires off.

[2073] Hilarious.

[2074] There's a great picture online of this African guy running from a hippo.

[2075] And it's a funny picture and a terrifying picture.

[2076] It's funny because the guy made it.

[2077] He survived.

[2078] He got away from the hippo.

[2079] But it's fucking terrifying when you're watching it, man, because this guy is running, which is essentially a gigantic wild pig.

[2080] It's what they are.

[2081] They're a different kind of pig.

[2082] They're in the family of pigs.

[2083] And pigs are ruthless assholes.

[2084] And this giant wild pig is chasing this guy down the street.

[2085] It's fucking terrifying.

[2086] Can you imagine the thought?

[2087] One of my thoughts at that point would be, Are they supposed to run faster?

[2088] I'd be starting to think about...

[2089] You know what I'm saying?

[2090] Have I ever heard of a news piece about these guys?

[2091] The only thing that keeps you safe is that they can't run too far because they're so big.

[2092] They're so big and they're carrying so much mass and a lot of times they spend a lot of their time in the water.

[2093] They can run, but it's not their best move.

[2094] You've got to out -distance them.

[2095] But this guy was running fast and this thing looked like it was right on his ass.

[2096] One of the beautiful things about this podcast is that we have this message board at JoeRogan .net and whenever we bring up something like that, this in the podcast there's a thread that's already dedicated to the Maz Jirvani podcast that's hilarious what is his name Mr. Denison he puts it up I should give the guy credit because he puts it up yes Mr. Denison cool motherfucker he's always doing this but I know somewhere on this thread someone's gonna put that picture of that hippo chasing that guy oh yeah it's a beautiful thing the internet's a beautiful thing in that respect yeah You know, you said that picture that, and we're talking about Africa stuff.

[2097] Have you seen those pictures?

[2098] I think it was, it might have been Mogadishu.

[2099] Have you seen those pictures of these guys when they were chasing dudes with machetes?

[2100] Did you remember that shit?

[2101] There was like something going on.

[2102] I think it was Mogadishu years ago.

[2103] Is that the Hutsis?

[2104] It might have been that.

[2105] Yeah, it might have been that.

[2106] Yeah, that would be Rwanda then.

[2107] The Tutsis and the Hutus.

[2108] Yeah, whatever you say.

[2109] Yeah, Hotel Rwanda.

[2110] But it's crazy to see human beings chasing each other.

[2111] The dude was like straight up.

[2112] chasing they were chasing this one dude they had machetes in their hands and you said first first thought is like holy shit second thought is this cameraman is nuts he's sitting there going like taking pictures of this shit you know i'd be like okay i could tell the story i'm not gonna fucking and then the third is just that poor guy is like he's gonna get they're gonna catch him and they're gonna fucking chop him to pieces That is crazy.

[2113] Human beings are such assholes.

[2114] Well, especially in Africa, man. There's a long history of that shit going down in Africa.

[2115] And whatever we're talking about, the Hutus and the TTs, however you say it, somebody correct me. Hutus, I don't have internet.

[2116] Please, somebody on Twitter, correct me. Those guys, one of the things about the horrors of that war is that they would go into a town and kill thousands of people with machetes.

[2117] Just chop them up.

[2118] And then they would pollute the river because they would throw so many bodies in the river that the water...

[2119] from the river had become undrinkable because it was rotten with human bodies.

[2120] Yeah, it's a fucking, it's a terrifying place.

[2121] Africa is so fucking wild.

[2122] It's so fucking, to this day, in 2011, it's probably the wildest place on earth.

[2123] But just war in general, like they were talking about, they just caught one of these other Serbs, Serbian leaders.

[2124] Remember, there's Milosevic, and then there was another guy that just caught, I forget his name, but they've got all these counts of human atrocities against him.

[2125] He was a general, I guess, and he would go into a town and they would capture the enemies and then they would say, he would say something like, you know, hey, it's all good.

[2126] We just wanted to capture the town.

[2127] So all the men, you guys can come out and we'll let you go.

[2128] And like the men will come out and they would get them out by like saying like it's all good.

[2129] And once they come out, like they would massacre the men and then like they would rape the women.

[2130] I mean, it's just like, why do you got to do that?

[2131] It's like, you know what I'm saying?

[2132] It's old school Genghis Khan type shit.

[2133] Oh my God.

[2134] People are just, oh.

[2135] Hutus and the Tutsis.

[2136] Tutsis and the Hutus.

[2137] Great movie, Hotel Rwanda, by the way.

[2138] Thank you, Create Culture.

[2139] And Perry 411.

[2140] And Frederick Lambert.

[2141] And...

[2142] Read three reads.

[2143] Hey, can I say a shout -out to my brother -in -law?

[2144] He loves the show.

[2145] P .D. P .D. Monty.

[2146] I don't know if he's listening right now or not.

[2147] P .D. Monty.

[2148] What's happening, brother?

[2149] P .D. Monty.

[2150] He loves the show, man. He loves your show.

[2151] I was in Vancouver, and we came out of this steak restaurant.

[2152] I was with Bad Bobby and Savage Science from the Rogan Board, and we stepped out of this steak restaurant, and as we stepped out, the guy goes, hey, and he puts his hand on my shoulder, and then he pulls off his earbuds and shows me his iPod, and he's listening to the podcast.

[2153] That's awesome.

[2154] How cool is that?

[2155] It was ridiculous.

[2156] I was like, wow, that is fucking nuts, man. That's a surreal moment, right?

[2157] It was so surreal.

[2158] It's like I heard Sting in an interview.

[2159] He said he knew he was starting to make it when he was at some meeting in some office in the high -rise.

[2160] I don't know if this is true or not, but he said he saw the guy outside clean the window.

[2161] And the guy was like singing Roxanne or something.

[2162] He was like, oh shit, I made it.

[2163] Well, once Eddie Murphy sang that in that movie.

[2164] Oh my God.

[2165] It just became, I didn't even know about that song until I saw that movie and Eddie Murphy was singing it in the movie.

[2166] Dude, as a kid, that might've been one of my favorite movie moments.

[2167] Cause I went into that movie being a huge Eddie Murphy fan.

[2168] How could you not be?

[2169] And then when they introduce him like that, you're like, he, he just, he basically.

[2170] lived up to everything you expected.

[2171] And then that movie just got better.

[2172] I watch that movie now, like, you know, when he goes into the bar.

[2173] You know, you best have yourself a black Russian.

[2174] You know, like there's a new sheriff in town.

[2175] His name is Richard Hammond.

[2176] Oh my God, it's so great, man. Yeah, dude, he was the best.

[2177] No one was a better comedic actor in a movie than Eddie Murphy, in my opinion.

[2178] 48 hours with him and Nick Nolte.

[2179] He just took over, and it was the right amount of vulnerable, the right amount of badass and cocky, and the right amount of self -deprecating.

[2180] And he was like 22 at that point.

[2181] Yeah, ridiculous.

[2182] It's ridiculous.

[2183] And a killer stand -up, too.

[2184] Oh my God, oh my God.

[2185] It's almost a shame that he had all those problems with trannies and what have you where he doesn't want to go on stage anymore.

[2186] He doesn't want people heckling.

[2187] Because god damn, at one point in time, if you go back and listen to his shit when he was like 19, he was a brilliant comedian at like 19 years old.

[2188] Yeah, he was very funny.

[2189] Actually, I rented some old videos and there was a national competition and they showed the top five winners and he was fifth place.

[2190] And everyone ahead of them, they're not allowed anymore.

[2191] They're gone.

[2192] Well, he doesn't even do comedy anymore.

[2193] That's the weird thing.

[2194] His brother does.

[2195] It's like Charlie's out there carrying on the family name.

[2196] It's funny because when people ask me about how I got into comedy, I was in college, and I thought about doing it a few times, and I was always intimidated because I'd done acting in plays, but I was always intimidated to get in front of an audience and talk about my point of view.

[2197] So I was in college, and I saw these two guys, and they were just horrible.

[2198] It was a comedy competition.

[2199] And so I told myself, the next time there's a comedy competition, competition.

[2200] I'm just going to do it.

[2201] So I always tell people, I say, you know, you get inspired by greatness and mediocrity.

[2202] I was inspired by mediocrity.

[2203] And the funny thing is, just like maybe a year, year and a half ago, I'm at the comedy store in the original room on a Tuesday.

[2204] And I just came off like this big tour in Australia where I was like headlining in front of a lot of people.

[2205] And you know, it was like automatic.

[2206] I called on a Monday, just gave avails for every night.

[2207] And so I get a Tuesday night show.

[2208] So I go up, and it's like the crowd's not that great.

[2209] I'm not into it.

[2210] I'm like, I just got off the road doing 1 ,000 people in an hour, 20, and now I've got to do 15 minutes.

[2211] I don't want to try anything new.

[2212] I was like, I don't even want to be here.

[2213] I was like, why did I do this?

[2214] I get on stage.

[2215] I'm just all over the place.

[2216] Nothing's really hitting.

[2217] The only person laughing is Johnny Zapp.

[2218] You know Johnny Zapp?

[2219] Yeah, sure.

[2220] And what's funny about Johnny Zapp is in the past, when I first became a regular at the comedy store, Johnny Zapp actually...

[2221] had like given me like he watched the set one time and like he started giving me tags and I didn't know who he was because he'll tell you he's like I was around when Richard Pryor was here this and that so I thought he was like a genius of comedy so he gave me like some tags and quickly I realized I was like no this is just a dude that hangs out he's crazy he's a crazy dude that hangs out like you know because then he started giving me the tag like these are horrible tags and then so I'm sitting on stage I'm kind of dying and Zap is the only one laughing and I'm like thank you Johnny And then I'm getting ready to get off stage, and Steve burns the next comic.

[2222] And Steve always does a long, kind of jokey intro for me. Who's next?

[2223] Maz Jobrani.

[2224] I don't know who that is.

[2225] Well, whatever.

[2226] This next guy, I'm not sure if you guys want to watch him.

[2227] He'll do like that.

[2228] So I start doing that to Steve, and I'm just riffing a little bit.

[2229] And it's just getting like, this is a very mediocre set.

[2230] I'm walking off stage.

[2231] Zap waves me down.

[2232] It's a Tuesday night.

[2233] I'm like, oh, God, Zap's got a tag for me. And he goes, hey, man, Eddie Murphy's here.

[2234] And I thought he was in the main room because Eddie Murphy's always in the main room.

[2235] Right.

[2236] So I thought he was like, oh, Eddie Murphy's in the main room.

[2237] I was like, so what?

[2238] So I started walking.

[2239] And as I'm walking, Eddie was sitting the whole set watching my set in Mitzi's seat.

[2240] You know Mitzi's seat?

[2241] Right.

[2242] I walked past Eddie.

[2243] I'm like, oh, my God, I just died in front of my comedy hero.

[2244] I walk down the steps.

[2245] I turn around waiting for my buddy who's coming to get me. We're going to go to the Laugh Factory.

[2246] Eddie walks down in front of my buddy, gives me the quick little look, doesn't say anything, just keeps walking.

[2247] So in the back of my mind, the only saving grace is I'm thinking to myself, okay, he's going to make a comeback.

[2248] He's going to end up on The Tonight Show.

[2249] They're going to be like, what inspired you to come back?

[2250] And he'll be like, you know, I was watching this mediocre set one time.

[2251] I'm the reason he came back.

[2252] That would be awesome.

[2253] Andy Murphy back.

[2254] That's how I roll, man. I was talking about this on the Kevin Smith show about going on stage and how some guys will just go on stage fearlessly like Chris Rock will go on stage fearlessly with a batch of new material and just hash it out and see what the fuck happens and if it comes out, it comes out.

[2255] It's so tough to bomb.

[2256] Oh, yeah.

[2257] To bomb in front of a guy like Eddie Murphy must be just fucking terrible.

[2258] Oh, my God.

[2259] Oh, and here's the funny thing.

[2260] It was halfway through the set.

[2261] I'm not kidding.

[2262] It was a Tuesday night.

[2263] Because the whole time I'm going, just get it together and get through it and be funny.

[2264] And part of me is like, I'm all over the place.

[2265] So my head's really not into it.

[2266] And I'm not even like, because sometimes I go up there and just go, I'm going to riff for five minutes for new material.

[2267] I just wasn't.

[2268] You know, you're up there.

[2269] I'm like, why did I even put in?

[2270] Right.

[2271] So halfway through the set, I'm like, dude.

[2272] get your shit together and make it a good set because somebody might be in the audience.

[2273] And I swear to God, the past 12 years I've been there, I have never had that thought.

[2274] And I thought to myself, and then the other voice, the comedy store voice came in my head.

[2275] I was like, who the fuck's going to be in this eye?

[2276] And who cares?

[2277] The whole point of the comedy store is to go with who cares.

[2278] Yeah, exactly.

[2279] And so it was one of those like, who cares?

[2280] Who's in this audience that has any kind of influence?

[2281] An agent or something?

[2282] It's fucking Eddie Murphy.

[2283] People so don't realize.

[2284] when you talk about the comedy store, you know, that's like one of, like I used to say when I lived in Boston that that was Mecca.

[2285] Yeah.

[2286] I would hear about like Kenison and Richard Pryor and that was the comedy store in Hollywood.

[2287] Yeah.

[2288] But then you actually get there and you realize, oh, this is an insane asylum.

[2289] Oh, yeah.

[2290] And no one's watching it.

[2291] Yeah.

[2292] No one's paying any attention and that fucking mic is just turned on at one point in the night and then there's no host even.

[2293] No. The comedians tag team, there's no club in town that does that, by the way.

[2294] Yeah.

[2295] Where all the comedians just bring each other up.

[2296] No, there's a fucking host, like a professional show.

[2297] Yeah.

[2298] And the guy will.

[2299] go up and it'll bring people up and it'll do a little time in between and it'll give you your intro and get it straight yeah no there's no fucking get your intro straight at the store yeah you know no not at all it's and what's but about i'll be honest because that's where i actually grew as a cop like i i'd done one year of comedy then i became a regular comedy store and it was great because there was no pressure it was like you're gonna i got used to shit crowds that was what was weird when i started performing the laugh factory and there was real crowds and i was like oh my god people are so nice at the improv what the fuck yeah it's so weird and it's weird seeing guys who started uh in town and started at one of the clubs with audiences i actually saw a couple comic comics one time i saw this at the laugh factory one comic go like oh i'm not going after so -and -so And I was like, oh, that's an option?

[2300] I didn't realize that's an option.

[2301] At the store, I mean, how many times did Mitzi shove you on after some killer?

[2302] Some Martin Lawrence type character.

[2303] Someone would go up and destroy.

[2304] There you go, Maz.

[2305] And also what happened, like the weirdest one I had was one time it was one of these thin nights, not much of an audience.

[2306] Dice does a stop in.

[2307] He's going to do like an hour.

[2308] And the crowd is a thin crowd.

[2309] But it's his crowd.

[2310] They start loving him.

[2311] And I'm trying to work on it.

[2312] It was kind of towards the Iraq war.

[2313] And I'm trying to work on some anti -war shit.

[2314] Political shit.

[2315] And he's doing fuck ass and fuck this.

[2316] That fucking ass.

[2317] He's doing it, doing it, doing it.

[2318] And they're loving him.

[2319] And then it was weird.

[2320] He does one joke.

[2321] And somehow there was feedback on the mic.

[2322] And he just looks at the mic for a second.

[2323] And he looks at the audience.

[2324] He drops the mic.

[2325] And he walks off.

[2326] and the piano player is not there there's no one there no one like you said no one is running the asylum yeah and nobody even said like who's next it's just dead and the audience is kind of like that's weird and no one's there so I'm like I'm next I gotta go up so I had to go up on stage and be like hey how you guys doing I'm Maz Jobrani nobody knew who the fuck I was you know and that just makes you tough you learn you know what I'm saying My hardest sets were following Dice.

[2327] I had a bunch of hard sets following Dice.

[2328] Following Dice, following Martin Lawrence, following Menstelia, following Richard Pryor when Richard Pryor was still doing stand -up.

[2329] Yeah, those were weird times.

[2330] But Mitzi was always real smart about that.

[2331] If she thought you were any good, she wasn't going to give you an easy spot.

[2332] If she thought you were decent and you had a spark in you, she would throw you on in the worst position possible.

[2333] What is it, a black show?

[2334] Yeah, put them on after Martin Lawrence.

[2335] Oh, yeah.

[2336] And she would think it's funny knowing that you get butt.

[2337] I think that would be fun.

[2338] I think that would be like the best challenges of just being able to try that.

[2339] It is.

[2340] It is.

[2341] After it's over.

[2342] Yeah.

[2343] Well, here's the thing.

[2344] Sometimes it works well.

[2345] If you go in there with like I'm fucked mentality.

[2346] Yeah.

[2347] If you ride the wave, though.

[2348] Like one time I did.

[2349] One time they were doing something in the main room.

[2350] It was the Black Film Festival.

[2351] and they had a comedy show, and it was supposed to be headlined by Eddie Griffin.

[2352] So people had actually come expecting Eddie, and Eddie walked in and saw that they'd sold tickets, and he's like...

[2353] i'm not getting paid or some shit he got upset about something he's like i'm not going up so then so then someone came to me and they're like hey we need you to get in there to close out the show so they were expecting eddie griffin and i walk up and it was so funny because they just everyone just got up and started walking out and like there was like one table that hung out and literally like i was so like defeat at the top I was like, thanks for hanging out.

[2354] I said, I feel like I'm the rolling credits at the end of the film.

[2355] I said, that's what it feels like.

[2356] And people were just leaving.

[2357] And that one table was with me because it was all self -deprecating material because it was like, what am I doing here?

[2358] And it was like 15, 20 minutes of that.

[2359] And you live.

[2360] Sometimes, though, if you go into that situation where it's still kind of a hot crowd and then you go in and now you've got to perform and it's like...

[2361] They get, you know, they're not laughing.

[2362] And then you try some crowd work and it's not working.

[2363] I had that on a Mo' Better Mondays at the improv one time.

[2364] And it was funny because I'd gotten good.

[2365] Because I did Friday After Next.

[2366] So I had some street cred in the Brack community.

[2367] And it's a holy moly donut shop, you know, this character in the movie.

[2368] So I'd been doing.

[2369] You know, I did Chocolate Sundays.

[2370] I did the Comedy Store one.

[2371] And then I overheard a few people talking about how Moe Better Mondays was one of the toughest black rooms.

[2372] I was like, how tough could it be?

[2373] And I'm getting ready to go on.

[2374] And this one other comic was like, hey, man, you got your shit together.

[2375] And Tripoli was there, too.

[2376] He's like, listen, bro, just hang in there.

[2377] And I went up there and I ate so much shit because it was this like it was a crowd because you go in there.

[2378] It was early in the show and you're expected to be a good crowd.

[2379] And it's one of those things where you get like a couple of laughs and like you hear the pin drop kind of thing.

[2380] And then you try another joke and it's not working.

[2381] Then you try some crowd work and it's not working.

[2382] And then you start going against your own instincts.

[2383] So your instincts like, okay, attack that, attack the chick wearing the pink, you know, whatever the, just whatever the pink fucking antennas for whatever, you know, attack, attack the dude in the purple leather suit.

[2384] You know, it's just funny.

[2385] Right.

[2386] But then, but then you're like, no, they're going to kick your ass.

[2387] And then you just go into like, give me that light man it's hard to pick on someone when you're bombing oh my god you're bombing it's really you don't feel confident to pick up oh yeah oh well it's the worst bombing in a black crowd is really hard too because it's very hard to pull yourself out once it goes down.

[2388] White crowds will give you some room.

[2389] Yeah.

[2390] But black crowds are like, next.

[2391] Yeah.

[2392] Oh, yeah.

[2393] CK has a great story about bombing on MoBeta Mondays that he went up and he goes, he realized that there was no recovering.

[2394] They didn't want you to recover.

[2395] He tried out a joke and it didn't work and that was it.

[2396] They were like, next, get off.

[2397] They were like, wait a minute, I could try some other shit.

[2398] Nope, get out of here.

[2399] Come on, guys.

[2400] Yeah.

[2401] But I think it's also good to do a room like that where people don't have any...

[2402] They have no problem with booing you off the stage real quick.

[2403] It's not the best thing to do all the time, but every now and then it's good as a little reality check.

[2404] Your shit better be tight, son.

[2405] Better come out that gate swinging.

[2406] And the most important thing is the first bit.

[2407] That first bit's got to be strong.

[2408] Oh, hell yeah.

[2409] You might even want to open with your closer if it's possible.

[2410] If you don't need to set that bitch up with your personality beforehand.

[2411] you're right you're right yeah and but the other good thing that you learn when you do that because i remember learning this early on i was like never believe the hype because sometimes sometimes you'll kill and you're like i am god you know and then sometimes you die and like you're like depressed but i was like you can never go with like the the good thing about these lessons on those things is to go listen man my shit's funny they they didn't work tonight But my, that's a funny joke.

[2412] That's a funny joke.

[2413] I've had sets before where, and usually it happens in the comic store original room where it's not like an all black crowd.

[2414] It's like this crowd of, crowd of like, you know, few Norwegians, couple Aussies, couple of LA, you know, hipsters.

[2415] It's just, it's all this like mixed crowd and I'm having a blast and they're not laughing.

[2416] And I've seen comedians like be like, you know, you guys don't get it, but I don't even go to the, you don't get it.

[2417] I just go like, guys, that was a, that was a funny, like, I'm kind of like.

[2418] You guys don't want to be on the ride.

[2419] That's fine.

[2420] I think that was funny.

[2421] And I know I'm funny.

[2422] So fuck you guys.

[2423] I got another eight minutes and I'm done.

[2424] Well, you know, the problem with comedy, I've always said, is that it's just called comedy.

[2425] And it's not like you never go to a club to see live music.

[2426] And it says live music, and you don't know if you're going to get a rap band or if you're going to get fucking Guns N' Roses or classical music.

[2427] It's very clear.

[2428] You know what you're going to go to.

[2429] When you go to a blues club, you're going to get some blues.

[2430] But when you go to a comedy club, man, you can get anything.

[2431] You can get Maz Jobrani.

[2432] You can get Dane Cook.

[2433] You can get this guy.

[2434] You can get that guy.

[2435] Everyone's got a different taste.

[2436] And some people might love...

[2437] Judah Freelander, and some people might hate him and love Tracy Morgan.

[2438] You know, it's like, it's all so subjective, man. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[2439] You've got to find your audience.

[2440] Yeah.

[2441] But one of the beautiful things about showing up places where it's not your audience, just showing up on some random night at the improv, is that you can't stack the deck.

[2442] So you have to make some people laugh that don't even fucking know you.

[2443] Yeah.

[2444] They don't know your shit.

[2445] Yeah.

[2446] So I'm sure now you must get these huge crowds of people who know Maz Jobrani, so they come out to see you.

[2447] Yeah.

[2448] You know?

[2449] But I think every now and then.

[2450] you got to go in front of some I love actually I love like I always say like I don't like to be in front of everyone that knows me one reason is you feel like okay they might have heard a lot of this shit yeah even if it's new now with the internet it's gone yep and secondly I love I just love like for example one thing that happens with my audience is like what happened was when we first did the Axis Evil comedy tour came out on Comedy Central and a lot of young like Middle Easterners started following us.

[2451] But then they started bringing their parents.

[2452] And growing up, like in the Middle Eastern community, like it's like, you know, you're very, like you don't go too blue.

[2453] Like, you know, you got to be nice and polite.

[2454] I mean, you could get, you know, get a little edgy, but you don't cuss.

[2455] You know, like there's a whole thing, like for the longest time with my mom and my, like I was, it was instilled in me, don't cuss, definitely not around.

[2456] you know, Persians, you're not going to cuss.

[2457] How much do you cuss on stage ever?

[2458] I don't cuss much.

[2459] I cuss a little bit, but I actually, what's funny is I like now what I do is if I make a reference to something like, like there's a joke I do where I mentioned masturbation.

[2460] I actually make fun of that.

[2461] That's why I love having a mixed audience.

[2462] Cause I'll look at, I'll look at the white guy in the audience.

[2463] I go now, Hey Mike, right now.

[2464] there's a table of persians going oh my god he said masturbation you know i brought my mother she doesn't speak english now i have to translate masturbation into farsi so i riff on what they're thinking And inevitably, there's always this one table that's dying of laughter.

[2465] And I've had people come up after the show and be like, dude, I was here with my mom when you were saying that shit.

[2466] It was totally true.

[2467] And the mother's totally cool with it.

[2468] I had this recently at the Tampa Improv.

[2469] I was doing it.

[2470] And there was literally this old, very distinguished, sweet, older lady.

[2471] That was the mother of this other lady.

[2472] So the other lady was like my mom's age.

[2473] The mother was like a grandmother's age.

[2474] And I said masturbation.

[2475] I did the riff.

[2476] And the funny part of the whole thing was, as I was doing the riff, the mother was leaning into the grandmother, translating everything.

[2477] And I was like, holy shit, it's actually happening.

[2478] And the crowd loved it because I was making fun of it, but it was actually happening.

[2479] Oh, that's funny.

[2480] Yeah.

[2481] That's funny.

[2482] Where do you like performing the best?

[2483] God, I love, I mean.

[2484] I mean, I still love the original room just for creativity purposes, you know.

[2485] And then what Jamie did with that Tuesday night thing.

[2486] I mean, I guess, look, we all love killing in front of our audiences.

[2487] Like some of the cities I love, like D .C. is one of my favorite cities.

[2488] First of all, one of the things I love about D .C., it's very international.

[2489] Secondly, everyone in D .C. is doing shit.

[2490] Like whenever I spend a couple days in D .C., you meet people like, hey, where do you work?

[2491] He's like, I work at State.

[2492] Oh, what's the State Department?

[2493] Oh, okay, cool.

[2494] What do you do?

[2495] I work at the agency.

[2496] Agency?

[2497] CIA?

[2498] People are actually doing, and I would say when I went there.

[2499] Oh, creepy.

[2500] No, it was a trip.

[2501] I would hate that.

[2502] Dude, no, it's awesome.

[2503] Don't stand up for the CIA.

[2504] No, dude, it's the craziest thing.

[2505] I was there recently.

[2506] I was like, what's great about you guys is if I'm in L .A., I'd be like, what are you doing?

[2507] I'd be like, oh, I'm working on a movie about a spy who goes to South America to overthrow the government.

[2508] I go, when you come to D .C., you go, what are you doing?

[2509] He's like, I'm a spy who's going to go to South America to overthrow the government.

[2510] And I love, but it's just you feel like you're in the heart of, like you meet people that mean, like are doing shit.

[2511] Right.

[2512] I remember one time being, actually I had a moment.

[2513] I remember I was there.

[2514] It was right at the time of, like, right in the heart of the Bush administration.

[2515] I remember Homeland Security, Tom Ridge.

[2516] Remember him?

[2517] He was the first guy.

[2518] And you see him on TV, and he's a talking head.

[2519] He's an older dude.

[2520] I was outside this, like, fancy restaurant in D .C., and he's sitting there talking to this, like, attractive young girl, kind of like you could tell his body language was all flirty, you know?

[2521] And he was a big dude, too.

[2522] And I was like, this guy's just trying to get pussy like everyone else.

[2523] I was like, he's the head of Homeland.

[2524] He's probably like, hey, you want to see the tear alert go to orange?

[2525] Come here, baby.

[2526] You want to see the red button?

[2527] That's hilarious.

[2528] But you see those kinds of guys when you're out there.

[2529] As opposed to L .A. As opposed to anywhere.

[2530] You don't see that.

[2531] Do you need to live out here still?

[2532] Because you're doing most of your work is on the road, right?

[2533] Yeah, most of my work is on the road.

[2534] Listen, I love L .A. in that my family's here.

[2535] A lot of my friends are here.

[2536] And weather -wise, you know how it is.

[2537] When you travel around the world, you come back.

[2538] I was in Norway.

[2539] And it's like negative.

[2540] You land there like negative three with windshield.

[2541] The windshield is like a windshield factor.

[2542] It's negative 15 or even Chicago, which is a great city.

[2543] But in December, it's a motherfucker.

[2544] I'm like, what is wrong with you people?

[2545] And the beauty of LA, I always say the great thing about LA is it's so close to so many great places.

[2546] I grew up in the Bay Area, so I love going up to the Bay.

[2547] You go to Santa Barbara, you go to Vegas, you go to San Diego.

[2548] Everything's close by.

[2549] Yeah, LA is an amazing city.

[2550] It's just overpopulated.

[2551] Oh, yeah.

[2552] If we didn't live in LA, though, it'd probably be so much more enticing.

[2553] I always say that when I'm driving around.

[2554] God, if I didn't live here, I'd probably appreciate this more.

[2555] I'd probably be like, wow, what an incredible place.

[2556] I should live in LA.

[2557] There's a great amount of shitheads in this city, but it's just because of the numbers.

[2558] The numbers are so high.

[2559] You know what?

[2560] It's funny.

[2561] Whenever I go to New York, I love New York in terms of it's like a playground for adults.

[2562] You just jump in a cab, you go to the next restaurant, you go to the next club, you go all night.

[2563] I wouldn't want to live there.

[2564] I'd always...

[2565] thought i wanted to live there and then i did two projects out there where i was there for four months at a time and it was like i i got an apartment at the corner of houston 6 which is like the heart of the village i was like this is the best place dude from 7 a .m till 3 a .m every day it was like noise outside it was just so like cars honking and and construction and i was like you know new york i think is good if you're in your 20s and you got your buddies and you're all making some money and you just want to run around.

[2566] I guess the ratio of women to men is like, I don't know, it's like 55 to 45 or something.

[2567] Really?

[2568] A lot more women than men, and there's a lot of models walking around New York.

[2569] Same, son.

[2570] How about that?

[2571] Yes, son.

[2572] If I had like Boku, Howard Stern type cash flow, I would be into living in Manhattan with some sort of apartment that overlooks Central Park or something like that.

[2573] If you got like Madonna money, and you can get one of those crazy $20 million apartments.

[2574] Because I've seen some online.

[2575] Some people put some up on my message board as well.

[2576] And there was one that had a corner building.

[2577] It was a corner apartment with insane views of the city.

[2578] That's some of the most beautiful things.

[2579] When you look at a real cityscape and it's lit at night, it's fucking amazing.

[2580] I just think that the numbers of people when you're in a place like Manhattan...

[2581] All the influence they have over you, all the people around you all the time.

[2582] I just don't think you can have real peace there.

[2583] I don't think you can relax.

[2584] Well, that's what's crazy is when I was living there on those stints, like I remember coming home one weekend and I went, we have a house here.

[2585] And I remember hearing a bird chirping outside.

[2586] I was like, I have not heard a bird chirp.

[2587] Except for your...

[2588] What the fuck was that?

[2589] He brought a bird chirping.

[2590] He's got the alarm.

[2591] There's your noise?

[2592] The bird chirper that chirps different noises.

[2593] No, but New York is great to visit and party and stuff.

[2594] It goes back to the weather.

[2595] I've had the craziest experiences in New York where I'm like, oh, it's a sunny day.

[2596] I walk into a meeting.

[2597] I walk out and it's pouring rain.

[2598] I'm like, what the hell happened?

[2599] And it's hot and humid.

[2600] That's most of the world.

[2601] Most of the world has to deal with weather.

[2602] We don't have to deal with weather.

[2603] We just have to deal with the once a decade or two, the world moves.

[2604] Yeah.

[2605] And shit falls down.

[2606] Yeah, yeah.

[2607] They just sold the Father of the Bride house.

[2608] I don't even remember the movie Father of the Bride, but there's this huge, really nice house.

[2609] Who was in that movie?

[2610] Steve Martin, you know, and he was like the father of the bride, and Rick Moran, as I think might have been, or something like that.

[2611] But I just saw that house on some website the other day for sale, and I was like, that would be the most ideal house in California, because it was actually picked for the movie because of how wholesome and nice it looked.

[2612] Where was it?

[2613] Was it in Malibu?

[2614] I want to say it was like in something like Pasadena or something weird.

[2615] That's the one where Martin Shore plays like a gay wedding director.

[2616] Yeah, gay wedding director.

[2617] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2618] Like a German gay wedding.

[2619] He's actually very funny.

[2620] When I was leaving Kevin Smith's place today.

[2621] I did his podcast this morning.

[2622] When I was leaving his place, they had one of those tours where there's a bus that doesn't have a top to it.

[2623] People are out in the open air, and there's star sightings, and they're driving through the Hollywood Hills pointing out celebrities' houses.

[2624] How fucked is that, man?

[2625] That is weird.

[2626] They show people where you sleep.

[2627] That's weird.

[2628] Yeah.

[2629] That's weird in general.

[2630] I don't know.

[2631] I've done a few tours in my life, even if it's at a museum.

[2632] I get so bored so fast.

[2633] I'm like, I don't need to spend an hour for you to tell me about this painting and the painter.

[2634] I'll just read five minutes and move on, much less sit in the fucking van and be like, oh, Kevin Smith, so -and -so lives here.

[2635] I'm like, get me off this fucking bus.

[2636] For some people, man, meeting celebrities is very important.

[2637] They get very excited about it.

[2638] It's weird.

[2639] You must be fucking huge in the Persian community.

[2640] How big are you?

[2641] It's weird.

[2642] The Persian community knows me as a celebrity.

[2643] It's actually funny.

[2644] I was at LAX two days ago and had all these flight problems.

[2645] And we're running around from Southwest trying to get to American Airlines and coming back.

[2646] And then I got the Google alerts.

[2647] So it sends me, if you ever get mentioned in something, it sends you.

[2648] So I was just like, I got the Google alert.

[2649] And it was like, celebrity spotting.

[2650] I was like, huh?

[2651] And I look it up.

[2652] And it's so funny.

[2653] Somebody was like, Maz Jobrani spotted at LAX.

[2654] That's hilarious.

[2655] And what was even funnier, though, is like.

[2656] It's like Justin Bieber has like 10 ,000 celebrity spottings.

[2657] I got two celebrity spottings.

[2658] I'm like, hey, I'm working my way in slowly.

[2659] Persians.

[2660] Persians, yeah.

[2661] Actually, you know what's funny?

[2662] This happened too.

[2663] This was the weird one one time.

[2664] Aaron Cater and I had just done a gig in Jordan, of all places.

[2665] Whoa.

[2666] And we flew back.

[2667] What is that like?

[2668] It was actually really cool.

[2669] The first time we ever did Jordan was, again, with me, Ahmed, and Aaron.

[2670] We went and did the Excess Evil comedy tour out in the Middle East.

[2671] We did five countries.

[2672] We did like 27 shows, 30 days, all sold out.

[2673] It was like big fish in a small pond.

[2674] You know what I'm saying?

[2675] Are you allowed to talk about anything?

[2676] Well, some countries, like Lebanon, they go talk about whatever you want.

[2677] Because the Lebanese, they're very liberal.

[2678] Beirut, first of all, is one of the most amazing cities in the world.

[2679] Really?

[2680] You gotta go check it out.

[2681] It's amazing.

[2682] It's like, the nightlife is crazy.

[2683] There's like no rules or regulations.

[2684] The women are all beautiful.

[2685] The food is delicious.

[2686] And then you've got that bazaar.

[2687] You can go check out the bazaar kind of thing.

[2688] And then you could go out into the mountains.

[2689] I mean, it's just amazing.

[2690] I've had a great time every time I've gone to Beirut.

[2691] And you can swear on stage.

[2692] Swear, do whatever you want.

[2693] Oh, yeah.

[2694] So that's Beirut.

[2695] Then you've got the other countries where a lot of times the promoters will say, no sex, no religion, no politics.

[2696] Oh, my God.

[2697] Yeah, you're like, well, now I'm stuck.

[2698] They say that right before you go on stage.

[2699] Yeah, right?

[2700] Well, the funny thing is when they say no politics, that means no local politics.

[2701] And thank God.

[2702] I don't know much about the local politics, and I'm not about to challenge the Sheikh of Dubai with some stupid shit.

[2703] Are you allowed to make fun of America?

[2704] You can make fun of America.

[2705] I can make fun of Iran.

[2706] I used to make fun of the president of Iran.

[2707] They loved it.

[2708] If you make fun of their neighboring country, they're like, that is hilarious.

[2709] I don't like that leader either.

[2710] They love that.

[2711] How close is the government of Iran to being overthrown?

[2712] That's a tough call, man. It's interesting because there's like, I mean, I love politics anyway, so I read up on it a lot.

[2713] And there's so many different analysts.

[2714] And it's like, what it is in Iran right now, it's over 75, maybe 80 million people.

[2715] And there's a lot of young people, like a majority of young people.

[2716] And they have the internet and they want a modern way of life.

[2717] They want a modern way of life.

[2718] But the problem is, and somebody pointed this out, they were saying when the Iranian revolution happened under the Shah, a lot of the people that were in the leadership position under the Shah had been Western educated.

[2719] And this guy made a good point.

[2720] He goes, so when the revolution happened, they had the money and they're like, screw it, we're out of here.

[2721] They went to France, they went to London, they came to America, lived their life, they're all good.

[2722] The people that are running the country now...

[2723] are not Western -educated.

[2724] They've been part of this revolution, you know, since 79, and they, you know, so they got nowhere to go.

[2725] And when the Ayatollah took over, that was all U .S.-backed, right?

[2726] Like, there was an issue with the Shah, where the United States was at a disagreement with the Shah, so they backed the Ayatollah and got him in a position.

[2727] Listen, there's conspiracy theories in this sort, but I think, I mean, a big part of it, you could go back and trace it to actually a movement happening that was an internal movement, because what happened was the Shah, okay, the Shah westernized the country.

[2728] a lot and had a lot of progress for the country.

[2729] Nonetheless, under the Shah, like as under any dictator in the Middle East, there was still a lot of people being persecuted.

[2730] Opposition was frowned upon.

[2731] And you had different parties.

[2732] You had the monarchists, then you had the nationalists, then you had the socialists, then you had the communists, then you had the religious, the Islamists.

[2733] So you had all these different parties.

[2734] And anytime anyone would say anything or criticize...

[2735] the Shah, like some dude would disappear.

[2736] You know, they had, yeah, there was the Savak, which was the secret police.

[2737] So there's all kinds of like intellectuals that would like criticize them and disappear.

[2738] And so.

[2739] There was that going on.

[2740] And so eventually what happened, like Khomeini's history goes that he was actually exiled.

[2741] I like how you said that, by the way.

[2742] Khomeini.

[2743] Khomeini, yeah.

[2744] Khomeini.

[2745] Shit was legit.

[2746] Yeah.

[2747] I'm trying to get my son to learn Farsi.

[2748] It's the funniest thing seeing this kid.

[2749] He's got like an American accent already.

[2750] And he's three, right?

[2751] Yeah, he's three.

[2752] He'd be like, Khomeini.

[2753] He fucks it up.

[2754] Anyway, so Khomeini had been exiled to Iraq.

[2755] And he was getting, back then, it was kind of like the Twitter of today.

[2756] He would sneak his sermons back into Iran with tape cassettes.

[2757] So all these other religious guys, there's a city named Qom, which is a religious city in Iran.

[2758] They were all getting his sermons.

[2759] And he was criticizing the Shah from outside of Iran.

[2760] You can do that from outside, but you can't do it from inside.

[2761] So he was doing it from outside.

[2762] And basically what happened was, There was all these different oppositions to the Shah and discontent was growing and protests were growing.

[2763] And so these guys all kind of banded together.

[2764] And what they would do is it was very similar to the protests that were happening during the Green Movement in 2009 where people would be out protesting and then the government would shoot into the crowds and kill some people.

[2765] And in the Muslim Shiite religion, like once someone's killed, like something like seven days after something, there's like a mourning day.

[2766] So they all go out and they mourn.

[2767] So these guys would be mourning and the Shah's...

[2768] police would show up and shoot some more and it just grew and grew and grew.

[2769] So the protests were originally like, you know, one faction, but then it became more factions.

[2770] And then you, then you got to a point where you had like lawyers and doctors.

[2771] protesting in the streets of Iran, like people that should be supporting the regime.

[2772] And then you had the bazaaries.

[2773] The bazaar is like the economy.

[2774] These guys shut down the economy.

[2775] The oil company went on strike.

[2776] So all this shit came together, and then it caused for the revolution to happen.

[2777] And I have a friend of mine who was young back then.

[2778] He said what was interesting, he goes, like when the Shah left, he goes, for the first few days in Iran, it was total euphoria because everyone was like, we got rid of America.

[2779] We got rid of this influence.

[2780] And he goes, what was weird, though, was because for the protest, all these factions were working together.

[2781] He goes, now, like, one guy would be like, hey, we did it, brother.

[2782] And the other guy would be like, yeah, we did do it, comrade.

[2783] He'd be like, wait a minute.

[2784] Brother, he's a Muslim Islamist.

[2785] Comrade, I'm a communist.

[2786] And then they would start turning on each other.

[2787] And then the shit started turning.

[2788] And then the Islamists took over.

[2789] And now we're in the shit we're in.

[2790] But all that stuff, by the way, and a lot of people have talked about this, a lot of this stuff did happen.

[2791] Like in 1953, there was a democratically elected government.

[2792] The guy was named Mossadegh.

[2793] And the U .S., actually the CIA has written their story of how they did a coup d 'etat of the democratically elected leader in Iran.

[2794] They overthrew him and put the Shah in.

[2795] And so whenever any American, whenever we talk about wars and stuff, and they're like, we're just trying to bring democracy.

[2796] I'm like, motherfucker, there was democracy, and we overthrew it.

[2797] You've got to read your history.

[2798] It's a fascinating time that we live in when people talk about going to war with Iran, too.

[2799] When they're talking about disarming them, if they continue with their nuclear program.

[2800] Oh, yeah.

[2801] Oh, yeah.

[2802] Strange times, you know?

[2803] Yeah, well, Israel is like, I mean, they say, like, if these guys, I mean, and the Israelis did that to the Iraqi.

[2804] to one of the Iraqi facilities back in the day where they infiltrated and they bombed it.

[2805] Yeah.

[2806] But I guess, have you ever listened to George Galloway speak?

[2807] No. Who's that?

[2808] I think he's like a British.

[2809] What's his name?

[2810] He's a British MP.

[2811] You got to listen.

[2812] The guy's really, he's actually very well educated and he makes some good arguments and it's almost like, it's funny how he, like I've seen him get in debates with with TV commentators on Sky TV.

[2813] He just annihilates them.

[2814] What's his name again?

[2815] George Galloway.

[2816] So he was talking about it.

[2817] I think it was him that was talking about it.

[2818] Somebody came on.

[2819] He was talking about this whole possibly doing strategic bombings.

[2820] What's it called?

[2821] Surgical bombings.

[2822] And he was like, some of these cities are densely populated cities.

[2823] And he's like, some of these facilities are in bunkers that are...

[2824] you know, miles down underneath the ground.

[2825] And he's like, how are you going to do strategic, surgical bombing?

[2826] You know, you have to drop like a nuclear bomb on the thing to blow it up.

[2827] So he's like, you're out of your mind.

[2828] But you should check out George Galloway.

[2829] He did a thing where...

[2830] It was around the time when Israel and the Lebanese were fighting a few years ago.

[2831] And this one girl, it was funny, from Sky News, they get these pretty commentators.

[2832] So she's like, here to defend the Lebanese, the Hezbollah's point of view, George Galloway.

[2833] And the guy rips into her.

[2834] He's like, first of all, he's like, your introduction of me was very biased from the da -da -da -da.

[2835] Of course, I would expect it.

[2836] Sky News, owned by Rupert Murdoch.

[2837] He just cuts into her.

[2838] And then he's like, secondly, you need to know your history.

[2839] He's like, they've been fighting for dinner.

[2840] And he just goes into it.

[2841] And you see this blonde girl like, but could you answer the question?

[2842] Is he an Irish guy?

[2843] I think he's Irish.

[2844] Oh, okay.

[2845] I have heard this guy before.

[2846] The dude is like, when it comes to arguing, he's a pretty bad motherfucker when it comes to arguing.

[2847] Well, I'll check out some of his stuff.

[2848] I'm fascinated by the Middle East, especially right now, because we're at such a strange time with the internet.

[2849] And they're using Facebook to organize and basically overthrow government after government.

[2850] And they keep toppling.

[2851] one after the other and I'm curious as to what we're actually seeing you know the problem is it's funny because if you talk to a lot of Iranians we always say like for example like what happened in Egypt it's like it was a positive step in the right direction but the question is talk to me six months from now talk to me a year from now will the people be you know will the people that are alive today even benefit from it or will it make their life shittier and then the next generation benefits The world's in a fucking turmoil right now.

[2852] I don't understand it.

[2853] I don't understand economics.

[2854] When people start talking about economic meltdowns, to me...

[2855] The way I look at it, I go, at the end of the day, there's the same amount of shit and there's the same amount of people.

[2856] So what the fuck went wrong?

[2857] We were living like kings just a couple years ago, and now everybody's fucking in the shitter.

[2858] Because of what?

[2859] Because of an inflated economy?

[2860] Part of the things that I'm starting to see that makes some sense to me, because you're right, I a lot of times get lost in it all too, but some of the things that start making sense is when they start talking about the difference between the haves and the have -nots and how back in the day a CEO average would make 20 times more than than the worker.

[2861] Now that some of these CEOs are making like 350 times more than the average worker.

[2862] So you start going, okay, I see.

[2863] Like right now they're saying that a lot of these banks have made their, like they weren't affected by the economic crunch because we bailed them out and now a lot of these bankers are making a lot more money and yet the economy is supposedly still bad and people that had mortgages that were, you know, belly up are still belly up.

[2864] Money in and of itself is so strange to me. The idea that it's based on nothing but confidence now.

[2865] It's not gold -backed.

[2866] It's so hard to pay attention to everything.

[2867] There's just too much shit going on in the world.

[2868] There's too many goddamn experiments going on.

[2869] There's too many new science inventions that I have to look at every day.

[2870] There's some new one they invented where they installed some microchip into a rat's brain, and the rat recovered lost memories, and they're thinking they're going to eventually be able to do this to people.

[2871] There's just so much fucking shit going on.

[2872] I can't pay attention to everything.

[2873] It's impossible.

[2874] Yeah.

[2875] No, it is.

[2876] It's pretty overwhelming sometimes.

[2877] It's a crazy world we live in.

[2878] And we got a tweet in the middle of all that.

[2879] You got a tweet.

[2880] You got a tweet.

[2881] You got a tweet.

[2882] Dude, what is your Twitter page?

[2883] It's at Maz Jobrani.

[2884] At Maz Jobrani.

[2885] Yeah, I just kind of got going on.

[2886] I got you here.

[2887] Yeah.

[2888] Okay, so please follow him.

[2889] M -A -Z -J -O -B -R -A -N -I.

[2890] Where are you at soon?

[2891] Well, people can go to the website.

[2892] Or actually, we're doing our own podcast now.

[2893] Mazjobrani .com.

[2894] Mazjobrani .com.

[2895] And people can go to minivanmen .com.

[2896] And that's you, Al Madrigal, and Chris Spencer.

[2897] Sounds awesome.

[2898] And where can people see you do stand -up in the future?

[2899] Comedy store, Laugh Factory, Improv.

[2900] Just go to Mazjobrani .com.

[2901] You can find information.

[2902] Mazjobrani .com.

[2903] I will be at the...

[2904] Carnegie Music Hall of Pittsburgh on this Saturday, the 25th, with Joey Coco Diaz.

[2905] And then next Friday, the 1st of July, we're going to be at the Mandalay Bay Theater.

[2906] That's a full Death Squad show.

[2907] Ari Shafir, Joey Diaz, me, and Doug Benson's going to stop by and do a guest spot.

[2908] And Brian's going to be there, and you can hug him.

[2909] There's going to be a lot of people in town that weekend, because also Sam's having a naughty show that weekend for three days straight.

[2910] Yeah, in Vegas.

[2911] Really?

[2912] That's this really cool strip club, and he's doing it, I think, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Jenna Hayes.

[2913] Oh, okay.

[2914] Cool.

[2915] Well, we'll help him promote that as well.

[2916] And, yeah, so we'll see you in Vegas, you dirty bitches.

[2917] And so that's it.

[2918] Pittsburgh on Saturday the 25th.

[2919] And some tickets are still available, but they're going quick.

[2920] Information is JoeRogan .net.

[2921] You can find everything.

[2922] And we'll be back tomorrow with Russell Peters.

[2923] Yeah.

[2924] And thank you very much for tuning in.

[2925] And thank you very much to The Fleshlight.

[2926] If you go to JoeRogan .net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save 15 % off the number one sex toy for men.

[2927] You can shoot some loads in the net if you like.

[2928] Maz, Joe Brawny, ladies and gentlemen.

[2929] Thanks for having me, man. It was fun.

[2930] A pleasure having you on, my brother.

[2931] It was very good to catch up with you and see you again.

[2932] And thank you, everybody, and we'll see you all tomorrow.

[2933] Bye -bye.