#261 - Ari Shaffir

[0] Thanks, buddy Bye Did we start again?

[1] Did we do the ads again?

[2] Listen, folks I'm a retard I'm my little tech friend My technologically enhanced friend Yeah I don't know how the fuck to do this I'm just winging this shit son It's the best Just guessing and flipping cues You were able to fade this song out Yeah I did a good job with that Let me make sure that if I switch to this view That people still hear it People still hear that shit.

[3] People still here.

[4] Beautiful.

[5] Whoa.

[6] That's me. I'm a retard, bro.

[7] You just don't know the system.

[8] I'm a retarded person.

[9] Trust me. I got an argument with someone in the middle of argument.

[10] They go, what's seven times 40?

[11] And I'm like, I don't fucking know.

[12] We're upset at each other.

[13] I can't do math.

[14] The fuck you asked me to do math.

[15] What kind of tricks is that?

[16] You're trying to make me think I'm stupid?

[17] What does that I'm doing with it?

[18] Well, it's like, mission accomplished.

[19] I don't know.

[20] It's a lot of numbers.

[21] I'm dumb with numbers, dude.

[22] I'm really dumb with numbers.

[23] Yeah, I have to really force myself.

[24] Because when I was a kid, I just had really bad times in math.

[25] I thought it was so boring.

[26] I had a terrible attitude about it.

[27] I never had anybody who was like an enthusiastic math teacher.

[28] And my teachers were not terrible, terrible teachers.

[29] They just were bored.

[30] They just were uninspired.

[31] They weren't really into, like, I remember one time there was a documentary on about Lake Erie.

[32] It was this one crazy science professor in our class, science teacher, I guess.

[33] Mr. Holman, and he was always, like, late with the facts.

[34] Oh, really?

[35] Yeah, he's always, like, you know, some shit that was true, like, a while ago.

[36] Yeah.

[37] He would not be, like, kept up to it.

[38] So this thing was about...

[39] I just kept saying.

[40] Yeah, he kind of left.

[41] Yeah, it was about Lake Erie.

[42] He was like, the girl's not around.

[43] It's oval.

[44] He was insisting that Lake Erie was a dying lake, and I said...

[45] Oh, really?

[46] Yeah.

[47] Well, you know, a dead lake.

[48] because Lake Erie really has been pretty...

[49] It got no really badly polluted.

[50] Oh, so there's no life in it.

[51] Yeah, I think Lake Erie had to make a big comeback, but they cleaned it up.

[52] And there was a whole documentary that was on PBS like really recently, like the night before.

[53] And me and another kid in the class were talking about the documentary.

[54] It was like, we just saw something on PBS that said, it's making this comeback, to show all these fishermen.

[55] And they showed...

[56] Yes, exactly.

[57] When it's some guy who went to school 40 years ago.

[58] But he didn't even listen to us.

[59] He dismissed it.

[60] He didn't want to talk about it.

[61] He didn't acknowledge that maybe there was possibly some new data.

[62] And he had been teaching some shit that somebody figured out in 1980 or something.

[63] I mean, this is some new...

[64] Back then, if you weren't really like on top of shit, you like really on top of what the fuck is going on in the news, if you're freeballing on stage in front of the class telling people that and that's why Lake Erie is Dead Lake.

[65] And then some kid goes, no, it's not dead.

[66] There was a whole documentary on TV, man. And he said, fuck you.

[67] No way.

[68] He didn't listen.

[69] He didn't want to even, he didn't even want to acknowledge it.

[70] Whereas like if you said that to me, if you said there was a whole dot, if I was saying, well, obviously, I'm not.

[71] Where did you hear that?

[72] I'm not, obviously I'm not a fucking teacher.

[73] But if you know, if you for whatever reason, we're talking to me about that and you brought up that PBS ran a whole documentary on it, I would have to go, ooh, I didn't see that.

[74] I would have to go, oh, wow, is this new stuff?

[75] Maybe there's some improvement.

[76] Well, that's good news.

[77] It's good news that science can actually clean up the ocean and the rivers and the lakes as well as fuck them up.

[78] You're happily surprised to hear it.

[79] Yeah, it's nice.

[80] Well, it is beautiful that they have made some pretty significant, they have had some pretty significant results in cleaning up some types of spills.

[81] Really?

[82] And they've introduced, yeah, they've come up with new types of bacteria that actually eat oil and can help clean up places like the Gulf and situations like that.

[83] Yeah.

[84] You know what I heard about that pile of plastic you always talk about?

[85] Yeah.

[86] When they say, how big is it?

[87] Like twice the size of Texas.

[88] Right.

[89] They said that's such a humongously gross exaggeration.

[90] Really?

[91] It's less than one one hundredth of the size of Texas.

[92] Really?

[93] And they say that that kind of exaggeration discredits the actual problem that's there because it makes people write off everything.

[94] It's humongous.

[95] but Texas is massive Right, right So they're just being Like typical liberals Yeah, it's like Anyone wants to like Make sure everyone knows about it Yeah well it's like I help my breath for 10 seconds Like oh that's a long time Like somebody else wants to be like I held my breath for five minutes And you're like no you didn't You went too far Well you can do that There was a guy That David Blaine guy I think holds the world record Oh more than that What?

[96] Yeah more than that I think he did something crazy Like 13 or 14 minutes really yeah he um he held he's got the world record i'm pretty sure i'm crazy i know that sounds crazy you think he trains it's 13 or 14 minutes so stupid look that up you know where i'm getting this from brian callan oh really fucking love brian can he had a hawk on his shoulder the whole time right count he's a beautiful person i fucking love that dude um it might be true though because david blaine david blaine call him a magician call him whatever the fuck you want to do i will call david blaine a bad motherfucker okay because i couldn't stand in that ice Which one's David Blaine, the new one or the old one?

[97] He's the crazy guy that would, like, hang out in a box and, you know...

[98] Did he make the statue of living his life?

[99] No, did he?

[100] Did he do something like that?

[101] Somebody did that.

[102] He doesn't usually do that.

[103] Oh, yeah, that's the type of guy that would make the Statue of Liberty to disappear.

[104] Holding...

[105] He would also abduct somebody in Aruba for fucking however long.

[106] Breath world record.

[107] 13 or 14.

[108] I mean, nuts.

[109] I couldn't do it for 30 seconds.

[110] Yeah, I'm not so good at holding my breath.

[111] I'm going to try right now.

[112] You know what, Brian?

[113] I'll tell me, though.

[114] That was one of the greatest things that anybody's ever said.

[115] Oh, okay.

[116] 17 and that.

[117] Oh, my God.

[118] 17 and a half minutes.

[119] No, no, no. 17 minutes, four and a half seconds.

[120] Holy shit.

[121] That's how I did it for?

[122] Yes.

[123] Oh, my God.

[124] He, this is insane, man. How the fuck did he do that?

[125] That, that's not just kind of crazy.

[126] Think of how long, like, the time is between, like, a sitcom scene starting, and then they go to commercial.

[127] How many is that?

[128] How many minutes is that?

[129] Is that seven minutes or something like that?

[130] You get two of those.

[131] Dude, plus some.

[132] That's a long time.

[133] Think of, like, an episode of Friends, like, two of those things that have all the fucking crazy of Marshall, oh, my God.

[134] Well, all before they go to commercial, da -da -da -d -ch!

[135] Think of that.

[136] He's held his breath through that.

[137] whole thing and then some two of those yes well that was just 40 seconds that seemed like forever yeah he's a weird guy man um he's kind of all the way for the first break and the second break if that guy was a fighter he would be a scary guy David Blaine yeah you ever see black people react to him no it's hilarious what do they do black people still have a weird thing about magic um and they react like no no they push each other and shove and run away because they have that weird thing and they just can't say like it's a trick.

[138] They feel strange about it.

[139] It's hilarious.

[140] Watch the videos.

[141] They're scared of his magic.

[142] They're scared of magic in general.

[143] Really?

[144] Yeah.

[145] That's a racist thing to say.

[146] Are you scared of magic?

[147] It's a racial observation.

[148] Do I grow up with elders teaching me that black people are scared of magic?

[149] I watched, by the way, I learned it.

[150] A Jewish horror movie the other day.

[151] What was it?

[152] It's this new movie.

[153] They saw that girl was pretty?

[154] No, this new movie, the, um, Oh, what the fuck is it called?

[155] The possession or some shit like that.

[156] By the Dibbock box?

[157] Yes.

[158] You saw that?

[159] Yeah.

[160] I audition for it.

[161] Did you really?

[162] There was some small part in it.

[163] I was like, really?

[164] Do I get a movie about this?

[165] It was fucking, man. About them holing up a fucking, like a evil spirit inside of a box.

[166] It was a good horror movie.

[167] Really?

[168] I mean, yeah.

[169] I mean, it was no apocalypse now.

[170] It was a fun horror movie.

[171] I enjoyed the shit out of it.

[172] The dude from the watchman, it looks like Brad Garrett, but he's not Brad Garrett.

[173] Here's what I got to start doing Yeah, I know that guy Here's what I got to start doing I gotta start going to movies and saying This is just supposed to be dumb fun That's all this is supposed to be Right Like expendables or whatever That's all I'm down for I'm down for like the Avengers And we'rewolf movies And just like let's root for the good guys And don't worry about it And I'll fuck around And see a Twilight movie with Mrs. Rogan If I got crazy Just for a goof Just to find out What the fuck is going on I'm gonna go see 50 Chays of Grey too Just to find out What the fuck is going on It's a sex book, right?

[174] It's, yeah.

[175] There's something going on with us, man. But here's what it is.

[176] I'm not getting our rocks off.

[177] Yeah, girls want the porn just like we want it, but theirs is not what we watch.

[178] There's a romance porn.

[179] There's a different kind of porn.

[180] There's a vampire who will risk everything just to be with them.

[181] You know, guys.

[182] Yeah, exactly.

[183] You know, I've had this.

[184] Turn down their special power.

[185] I've had conversations with a bunch of different people about this.

[186] But I mean, girls, like, I want that kind of love, too.

[187] It's like, well, you don't get that.

[188] You don't get that kind of love.

[189] That's not real.

[190] There's no vampires.

[191] There's no, somebody's giving up the path.

[192] What are you?

[193] Isn't that nuts?

[194] Somebody told me this the other day, too.

[195] It was like, that, wait, so that kid has been around?

[196] Who told me this?

[197] That guy's been around for 2 ,000 years and he's in love with a 16 year old?

[198] Exactly.

[199] That was me. Oh.

[200] That's who was.

[201] That's who was someone on the phone somebody.

[202] I said he was a fucking pervert, man. That's a piece of shit.

[203] A thousand year old dude hanging out with a 17 year old girl.

[204] That's crazy.

[205] That was me. I know.

[206] Yeah, it's like ridiculous.

[207] That's so stupid.

[208] It's such a stupid idea that he would still be in high school.

[209] And he's going to give up his power?

[210] Yeah, he's got to pretend he's in high school.

[211] For a six!

[212] Well, I'm still in high school.

[213] Well, you can't pretend you're 18, you're out of school.

[214] Yeah.

[215] You can't pretend that.

[216] You look like you're 25.

[217] You can't pass.

[218] Yeah, you can't just wander to the streets.

[219] You've got to show up at school every day like everybody else.

[220] Put a little gray in your hair and go to a bar and hang out at night with regular people who are into regular things.

[221] Shave your head, stupid.

[222] What do they get your references about the count?

[223] Yeah, you don't have to tell people you're 17.

[224] You look like you're 25.

[225] Go, just go.

[226] Go.

[227] Leave school.

[228] You can graduate this year.

[229] What kind of nonsense is that?

[230] He's got to keep him rolling in school.

[231] Is the truant officer going to stop a vampire from running around?

[232] It's a whole family of vampire that only eat deer.

[233] What?

[234] The fuck are you saying?

[235] You've got nice people, vampires that run around eating dears.

[236] In those movies, let me ask you a question.

[237] In those movies, do they already know everything that's being taught in school?

[238] Yeah, they must know everything.

[239] Make that guy sit there.

[240] That's like some sort of a crazy, like, Like torture.

[241] Yeah.

[242] Like Chinese water torture.

[243] You know, like one water drips on you.

[244] It's no big deal.

[245] But if water keeps dripping on you for a hundred hours, you might lose your fucking marbles.

[246] You're like Groundhog Day.

[247] Yeah, you might go crazy.

[248] By the year.

[249] Yeah, what the fuck?

[250] Yeah, what do you transfer schools every, every two years?

[251] Fucking vampire that doesn't bite you.

[252] What are you talking about?

[253] I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

[254] I want that kind of love.

[255] I want to be a stay -at -home mom and have a career.

[256] This is why I respect you.

[257] That sounds like a crazy one.

[258] why you're not equals.

[259] I want to fly and be a person.

[260] Well, you better get a plane bitch because you can't do that shit with your body.

[261] Can't really fly.

[262] That's crazy.

[263] How can you want that?

[264] What do we want?

[265] Below job.

[266] Release.

[267] Yeah, that's it.

[268] The release from the junkie of the penis, the penis that wants to explode, squirty stuff out.

[269] Yeah.

[270] Those movies ruin it for all of us.

[271] They ruin it for all of us.

[272] What porn movies?

[273] No, not the girl porn movies.

[274] Yeah, the girl.

[275] They don't know, but they're like, I sort of expect something better.

[276] Well, you know, they're just responding to a lack of romance.

[277] You know, there's a lot of people that don't find anybody who's really into them.

[278] You know, it's fucking hard to find someone who just, well, you're exactly what they're looking for and they're exactly what you're looking for.

[279] Because a lot of times it's just one.

[280] One of those is there.

[281] Like the guy's into the girl or the girls into the guy or, you know, someone's annoying.

[282] Whatever the fuck it is.

[283] No, that's exactly what anybody's looking for.

[284] No, that's so not true, dude.

[285] I know people, it's rare.

[286] And nothing, not even like, I wish they put their socks away more, I wish they were a little more, nothing.

[287] Okay, that's a crazy person worrying about socks.

[288] What are you doing?

[289] I'm just saying, it's a crazy example.

[290] We get to the bottom of Mr. Shafia's problem.

[291] Here, he's trying already to sabotage with clothing.

[292] Nothing has to do with behavior.

[293] It's all clothing now.

[294] He's trying for anything.

[295] That sounds like that guy, the Donald Duck.

[296] Remember the old cartoon with the Donald Duck, like scientist?

[297] When he was talking about the road rage that happened?

[298] happens with with with with remember that one yes the driver gets in the car and he just turned under this thing yes yeah he's like a scientist duck a scientist duck that's right you sound just like that i haven't thought about that kind of long time i can never do that voice again it's lost it's in my you won't be able to reproduce it i can only do like a couple of voices like confidently and i have to be around them all the time like joie diaz i'm around joie dyes all the time so i can do joey dyes easy yeah other ones like that had him for a while and then they're gone, you know?

[299] Like Arnold Zizi, you could do Arnold D's.

[300] Arnold.

[301] It's the only guy you can do with just noises.

[302] You could just like, you know?

[303] It's so dumb.

[304] I've never seen, that's the impression.

[305] I've never seen that not work on stage.

[306] Yeah, it's so dumb.

[307] It's so dumb.

[308] It's a noise, but it's that guy.

[309] Yeah.

[310] Whereas I don't think that's, I don't think of any, maybe Stallone, I guess.

[311] There's like, there's like, there's like a, A little bit of a noise.

[312] Not as much.

[313] There are so many movies where he was yelling where you're like, what the fuck is he yelling like that for?

[314] And normal person would be like, ah, ha, ha, ha.

[315] And he's like, yeah, yeah.

[316] The most bizarre, like.

[317] Did you see the remake of, uh, where's the sweet spot here?

[318] No, not Conan.

[319] Where's the sweet spot?

[320] Yeah.

[321] Dude, wherever your fucking beautiful faces.

[322] The remake of, um, that's a sweet spot right there.

[323] Total recall.

[324] No. Just out of respect.

[325] I already got shit.

[326] from Joey Diaz for seeing the new version of the mechanic.

[327] Joey Diaz almost stabbed me. Real?

[328] I was like, I was out of respect for Charles Bronson dog.

[329] You go to that fucking piece of shit.

[330] That fucking Jason Statham, that little pansy.

[331] He's going to play Charles Bronson's character, cock sucker.

[332] He went crazy.

[333] Was it good?

[334] No, I didn't see that fucking movie.

[335] It was very good.

[336] I bet.

[337] It was very good.

[338] Statham is one of the coolest guys.

[339] I love Statham.

[340] And I love that dude who I don't remember his name.

[341] Who?

[342] Who?

[343] He was in, um, he was in, um, he was in that.

[344] movie uh the vampire movie about uh alaska vampire movie oh it's all night long but yeah what the fuck is it 30 days of night or something like that 60 days a night 90 days of night 120 days i don't know what the fuck it was the vampire whatever the fucking vent somebody on twitter was screaming at me i'm sure you idiot you fucking moron how are you the one who gets to talk Joel Zembach has produced it for over six months.

[345] But he was a badass in that fucking movie.

[346] That vampire, 30 days of night.

[347] 30 days of night.

[348] You got it the first guest.

[349] Yeah, that movie, I got to find out this dude's name now because he was so fucking good in that movie.

[350] It was like chilling because it's such a stupid premise.

[351] That you're in a vampires.

[352] It's sort of cool.

[353] Vampires would go with this more night.

[354] But these were legit.

[355] I'm sorry.

[356] Hold on a second.

[357] These were legit, what?

[358] Vampires?

[359] These were legit vampires?

[360] This is one of the last movies.

[361] Oh, yeah, where they're badass.

[362] 30 days of night where they were fucking terrifying, legit vampires.

[363] They were awesome.

[364] Why couldn't they find those people?

[365] Why couldn't they go to door to door?

[366] They didn't want to.

[367] They weren't really into looking that hard.

[368] Oh, yeah.

[369] They had to hide away and go from place to place.

[370] This name is Danny Houston?

[371] Is that the home boy's name?

[372] That's one of them.

[373] This guy played the vampire.

[374] Oh, really?

[375] Yeah, but this guy was one of the guys in that movie.

[376] That was awesome.

[377] But he wasn't the guy that I was thinking about.

[378] there's a full cast and crew there's a guy who played like the vampire familiar he played like the familiar person yeah the person that was hoping they were going to turn him into a vampire oh yeah yeah that guy never works out for him right oh yeah it never works out that guy always gets jacked double crossed yeah well he's always kind of a piece of shit you know yeah there's always something wrong with him but he familiar but he's such a good weasel yeah and in this movie he had like rotten teeth and he was all fucked up looking.

[379] Really?

[380] Yeah, it was awesome.

[381] He was great.

[382] They didn't allow him to have a...

[383] They always kill those guys.

[384] Yeah.

[385] They did it in the Hunger Games too.

[386] Oh yeah, you gotta kill those guys.

[387] Gotta kill him eventually.

[388] You can't let those guys fucking go on.

[389] Ben Foster, that's his name.

[390] That guy is...

[391] Ben Foster?

[392] Yeah, he's from Boston.

[393] Holley at your boy.

[394] He's a bad motherfucker.

[395] That dude is a bad motherfucker.

[396] He's...

[397] Keep an eye on that dude as far as like watching a guy who can really pull off someone fucked up in a movie.

[398] Holy shit is he good.

[399] He's scary.

[400] He was the familiar.

[401] He was the familiar.

[402] He was so good in it.

[403] It was like, this is a silly role.

[404] I mean, you got to pretend they couldn't turn me to a vampire.

[405] It seemed so stupid.

[406] But he did it so creepy and so fucked up that he looked like a guy who had been so shell -shocked.

[407] Before they put him in this prison, he was so shell -shocked.

[408] Because he had seen, like, just vampires just gutting people everywhere he went.

[409] And they were going to turn him into a vampire, and eventually they just, spoiler alert.

[410] Eventually, they fucking eat his face, and it's pretty intense.

[411] But you buy it.

[412] His, his, his, his, his raw, acting, his, the rawness of it all?

[413] Do they get him fast or do they like slow.

[414] Oh, they fuck you up, man. These are scary vampires.

[415] They don't wait.

[416] They don't like, they do that fucking shit with a blood spraying.

[417] Like a wolf would eat your face.

[418] You know, wolf wouldn't eat your face like a panther would eat your face.

[419] If you're turning some into another vampire, can you just drink a little their blood?

[420] Yeah, so you have to drink a little.

[421] Supposedly.

[422] They all make their own rules now.

[423] parts can go outside in the day oh yeah blade started with that shit remember that they put sunscreen on that dude on black blade black blade they put sunscreen on the other dude on the oh he could walk with what is the handsome fella doesn't work that much anymore he was in that oh yeah yeah he was in three girls a pizza place and two girls a guy in a pizza place was he in that one too yeah devastatingly stephen dorff is that him yeah that guy oh that guy that guy was out handsome fellow steven dwarf and he was uh one he's got a beautiful beautiful face.

[424] But anyway, all he had to do is put this sunscreen on and he was okay.

[425] He was protected from the fucking the sun.

[426] Really?

[427] That's nonsense.

[428] And the vampires couldn't figure that out.

[429] Come on, man. Vampires would go outside and fucking burst into flame.

[430] Also, sunscreen lasts like 45 minutes.

[431] Yeah, come on, man. You're going to put some fucking sunscreen on.

[432] You're not going to burst into flames.

[433] You're treating me like I'm an asshole.

[434] Do you know the sunscreen companies just revolted against like the America had to make them put legit stuff on their bottles?

[435] Why?

[436] What were they doing?

[437] Just lying about the saying waterproof, SPF was were ranges saying the if it's waterproof it's paint by the way it's paint yeah it's paint you're gonna paint your fucking head it's like no no you're not it's not waterproof it'll come off in the water putting words like sport on there to make you think like oh I can just have this on for hours and you're like you're making people get skin cancer I developed some real problems with sensitive eyes because of sunscreen really because I had to use sunscreen so much on Fear Factor when I did Fear Factor because you're outside all the time When I first started doing it, like I tried like a retard.

[438] I didn't wear sunscreen.

[439] Like the first couple of days that I ever worked it, I was just outside, just getting cooked.

[440] Yeah.

[441] And I got like really fucking burnt.

[442] So I was like, all right, I got to wear sunscreen.

[443] So I was wearing sunscreen like three and four days a week standing outside while the shit drips in your eyes when whenever you get any kind of sweat.

[444] Yeah, and it stinks.

[445] Yeah.

[446] And, you know, a lot of times it's a sweaty day.

[447] You know, like it's really possible for a little bit of the chemical to get.

[448] you know moisture and it just drips into the corners of your eyes then it would sting like a motherfucker and sometimes i would go on stage at the store and i forgot that i had sunscreen on my forehead so it would sweat and then while i was on stage sweating it would drip into my eyes and it would be horrific man it would be like my eyes are getting burned like i was getting chemical burns in my eyes and because of that like i've had like problems like swimming doesn't feel the same way in the ocean anymore it's like much yeah it's much more painful than it used to be like swimming swimming in the ocean is like wow like this fucking stings where swimming in like fresh water's like like no problem at all and that to me the salt the fact that the salt stings it's like man it feels like it might be oh yeah there might have been some damage there or something oh like also when you're swimming in it comes up then it runs into your face a lot more too your eyes well it's just the fact that it gets in your eyes you know so what does it do to you now what are your eyes like if they sting they sting if i get in the salt water which did more so yeah more so than when i was younger yeah i'm pretty sure it has something to do with being burned a few times At least three times It was really painful Where I got really burned Like legitimately it hurt Oh yeah Like on stage It's crying I'm crying My eyes Sting Whoa my pussy No no the other way I mean you don't ever react to me I was like What's up bro You got so upset Relax I'm my pussy No you're I expect if you were in high school With me You would have been one of those kids That came in Just hand over a flame No I never did me I don't want pain I just, but I, um, I've, I've, I've, I've been pretty good at shutting it out.

[449] Like, uh, like, uh, like getting tattooed, you have to shut it out.

[450] Yeah, a little bit.

[451] But it's not that hard, man. I almost fainted.

[452] Oh my God, really?

[453] Didn't even hurt.

[454] It's just pinchy.

[455] I was with Bella, remember Bella, Bella Julia?

[456] Uh -huh, sure.

[457] Yeah, we went to get them.

[458] And, uh, she got one and I got one.

[459] And I was like, you got a way harder spot than I do.

[460] I guess.

[461] No way.

[462] Oh, there's just, no sleeve.

[463] Yeah, I'm telling you.

[464] That side area is brutal.

[465] It's just fat.

[466] It's one of the most sensitive.

[467] areas.

[468] I don't know why.

[469] It's supposed to be super sensitive.

[470] Especially like the ribs.

[471] Apparently, if you get tattooed to the ribs.

[472] Because that bone is right underneath.

[473] Motherfucker.

[474] You feel like rattling your rib cage with pain just just...

[475] Really?

[476] Right over the bone.

[477] You're like, oh, Jesus.

[478] That's how I've heard described.

[479] There's just a few spots when I was getting my left sleeve.

[480] My right sleeve is only like probably like 60 % right now.

[481] I've got to go to Aaron Della Vadovet, guru tattoo in San Diego.

[482] Hollo at you boy.

[483] I just saw my...

[484] I want a fan.

[485] finish this musashi one what's it called my monk what was it monkey i have a t -shirt from them oh that's right honky con that's what it is yeah yeah they have a lot of great artists san diego is such a fucking cool town that's that's a good place to go and start a cult maybe we should start our colony in san diego it's not too far from l -a if you really had to be here for i got laid on the road i think that might have been that place yeah powerful chafir yeah that's a nice place to get laid lohoya oh yeah how beautiful is looia you're the coach me through it I didn't know to read the science.

[486] It was me, you and Ingram or something.

[487] I think Ingram was on.

[488] I don't know.

[489] It was outside.

[490] The show was still going on.

[491] Some girl said something to me like, oh, you were really funny and then went outside to smoke.

[492] That's when I was still smoking.

[493] And you're like, do you go get her number?

[494] I was like, no, could I?

[495] You're like, yes.

[496] I was like, really?

[497] Yeah, you were on the hunt and that girl came up and totally made the first move on you.

[498] Yeah, I couldn't read it.

[499] Yeah, and you went on stage and you talked about not having a girlfriend.

[500] You were like all green lights.

[501] ahead, you know, you were dirty as fuck.

[502] Dirty as fuck.

[503] God damn it.

[504] But you killed, and that's what's important.

[505] You killed.

[506] You were the fucking man for whatever it was, 20 minutes.

[507] You were the man. She's like, oh my God, I love him.

[508] She's just thinking about that.

[509] You were like, go use your smoking for good for once.

[510] Yeah.

[511] And go out there.

[512] Yeah, go get some, son.

[513] I was so nervous too.

[514] I was like, okay.

[515] I went to talk and I was like, you want, you want, you hang out?

[516] And she was like, yeah, sure.

[517] isn't it weird how you get like more comfortable like meeting new people is any experience I used to get nervous when I would go to a bank teller this is by the way what you were what like 17 oh yeah like it was 18 when I already fought in martial arts tournaments you know I didn't I mean I got scared of that too but I would I would be I wouldn't be tongue -tied and nervous when I was going to talk to the teller just a new person maybe that maybe a person of authority I just I just would get weird talking to people when I went for like long periods of time just training and not talking to people too much i got i got like real weird social anxiety shit really for a while yeah yeah i got real weird i can't imagine that no for sure but if somebody's like introduced you to somebody well i was very i mean i was still pretty confident in myself yeah you know like unreasonably confident in myself because of my martial art stuff but i was still like really weird with people socially like i would i would get nervous talking to them you know anybody yeah i mean like i didn't grow up for feeling like the most appreciated person.

[518] So a lot of times when I was around, yeah, if I was around someone new, I would think they were going to judge me and, oh, where, you know, how long before this guy starts picking on me, you know, how long before this person starts picking on?

[519] How long before he finds out that I'm supposed to be picked up?

[520] Yeah, you know, I mean, that's, and when you feel like that, you know, as a young person growing up, it's like, it's super easy to have yourself fall into those situations.

[521] Yeah.

[522] So I would get like super, I could imagine it now.

[523] Like now when I go to the bank, I look forward to same.

[524] saying hi to the lady.

[525] And, you know, I look forward to going, hello, how you doing?

[526] Everything good?

[527] What's up?

[528] You know, I think that there's like...

[529] Do you hear that in a crack yesterday?

[530] You get a little discussion on people?

[531] I learned that from Diaz.

[532] It's nice if you can do that, you know, if you find someone who really will have a nice little, quick little nice conversation with you.

[533] And you both feel good.

[534] Everybody feels good.

[535] Or you can just be that selfish, senseless asshole.

[536] Just can I help you?

[537] What do you need?

[538] Write it down.

[539] That's not it.

[540] You're a robot.

[541] You know, just interact with people all day.

[542] You know, maybe it would be fun.

[543] If Joey Diaz worked at a...

[544] fucking post office box place.

[545] I'm friends with all the post office people.

[546] They told me once how to do it like separate stuff and I do it every time they'll stop and come over like oh you got another shipment you got more of you separate thank you to Ireland you know Eddie Bravo used to work at UPS he used to sort boxes like there would be like a like he would stand next to these runways and the boxes would come out of him and he would grab the boxes and have to chuck them into like different places that correspond to different like LeVorne and Shirley like different area codes or zip codes rather is it zip codes No, yeah, zip codes is the end of a letter.

[547] Yeah, so he had to, like, put them into different places.

[548] Like, what did you say, like, what show?

[549] Like Leverne and Shirley?

[550] Did they do that?

[551] With the bottles where they had to like...

[552] Oh, that's right.

[553] They had to do that with that pat, with the brewery, what was it called?

[554] Wasn't a past, was it?

[555] No, no, it was a fake one, right?

[556] Shots.

[557] Shots?

[558] Schlotsky's?

[559] No, that's a real one.

[560] Fuck is it, man. I don't know.

[561] I don't remember.

[562] That was a great show, though, when we were kids.

[563] It was probably really hard to watch now.

[564] But what, answer me this.

[565] What show is good to watch?

[566] There were so many good female comedians from that era, like Cal Burnett and LaVern and Shirley.

[567] There were like real legit shows that people wanted to watch.

[568] Mary Tyler Moore.

[569] I think it was maybe because of this.

[570] I'm going to offer something that will probably get me in trouble.

[571] Okay.

[572] But I think it's because in those days, Hollywood, the people in charge of choosing, hadn't yet said we've got to find prettier people.

[573] The management system hadn't come in and promoted people from within to get like, who do you have to choose from now?

[574] A bunch of people they've told us these are who you have to choose from.

[575] You don't get like the people who are just naturally talented to rise through the ranks anymore.

[576] If you look at Saturday Night Live now, most of those people are better looking now than when it started.

[577] Right.

[578] You know, like everything is sort of changed.

[579] And you're going to get prettier people to look at, which is nice, but you're also not going to necessarily get the funniest or most talented, most creative person that way.

[580] Right.

[581] You know?

[582] And also Carol Burnett allowed everybody else to shine.

[583] Yes.

[584] Yes.

[585] And they had a super talented crew.

[586] Is that thing falling up?

[587] part on you man you keep fucking with it no i'm trying to get at the right spot don't touch it don't touch it just leave it alone yeah caribonet had a super talented crew it's just hard for us to recognize now because if you tried to watch the carol burnett show right now i don't know if you'd really truly enjoy it i think i should go watch some of those shows because some of those like in living color you can't watch it all now well like certain shows you cannot watch bruce that lenny bruce that's who you're looking at yeah i was gonna point to that that lenny bruce posted i have on my wall i'm a look i give it up to lenny bruce i think we all have to that was the originator.

[588] That was the first guy.

[589] If it wasn't for that guy, it would have taken a lot longer to get to this.

[590] It would have taken, for what you and I do, that guy is so super important.

[591] But if you try to watch his stuff today, it's odd.

[592] It's very strange.

[593] There's one where he's on stage for over an hour reading legal documents.

[594] It's a giant shit.

[595] No. Just talking about the points of his case.

[596] He went crazy because he was getting charged with obscenity.

[597] And so he would go on stage and read his fucking case he was the first one to suffer from that from thinking how famous he was he should be talking about it oh yeah he fucking fell apart because of it and his world was a whole world the the court cases and then on top of that the heroin you know he uh he was like severely depressed I'm sure because of a lot of it all those guys that got arrested for saying things even the two live crew we owe them we owe them because if it wasn't for people who broke down the door with obscenity even though I don't I mean put you Dips on my dick And sick my asshole too Me so hot I mean look Love it or hate it It's still It's a form of art Yeah but it's a ridiculous form of art It's like It's like Why do you tell them not to say that?

[598] That's what we believe in That they should be allowed to say Who cares what it is?

[599] If they like it What's it to you As long as they're not playing it In your face And I don't think you should be playing Beethoven in anybody's face either Right At the same point At some point we bat out of the Christians A little too much A little too much We're like hey How about There's going to be some cursing on television.

[600] So just research what you're going to watch and police your kids on your own.

[601] Florida's so gangster.

[602] We all want this.

[603] Florida's got a lot of really strange laws.

[604] And some people like them, but some people think that they're really nuts.

[605] And Florida has like a really large community of conservative people.

[606] So they have some pretty strict laws when it comes to like pornography and things like that.

[607] Oh really?

[608] Yeah.

[609] So when they have someone like say this guy, remember that dude who went to jail for obscenity?

[610] Max Hardcore, he does like really intense shit, like really intense, like shameful, horrible things to people.

[611] Just like pissing in her asshole and then they drink it with a straw.

[612] Oh my.

[613] Yeah, like intense stuff.

[614] It's weekend stuff.

[615] Intense, intense stuff.

[616] Pissing in your mouth and you, Wally's got a hard on somehow or another.

[617] And then he forces her head down and he pisses in her mouth some more and she's gagging and throwing up piss.

[618] Yeah.

[619] So what they did with this guy is they decided to make a case out of him.

[620] so they sent his stuff to Florida Yeah And then they sent it to some place That has very strict pornography laws And so that place is like Okay well now we'll prosecute him Based on our perception of what Yeah different perceptions Yeah that's where it gets crazy And that's Florida who has like that Didn't they run the meth Where people just go spot to spot to spot in Florida It's not meth Cough syrup or whatever it was It's oxycontin's Yeah You can still do You can just get a certain amount at every single city Yeah and they're trying to stop the Or slow the tide on the amount of prescriptions that they give out but the fact is there's so many people that already have them there's so many people that are addicted to that stuff and if they all stopped cold turkey they're all gonna die yeah so you gotta figure out how to get these people off this zombie drug that you guys have been making billions off good luck good luck you fucking assholes you crazy assholes that have made all your money enjoy your yacht you've enslaved a population you've enslaved a population with vampire dust you've turned people into zombies you know what they'll say what do they say well um I just don't think about it.

[621] They're going to stand right beside Mitt Romney and said, we did build it.

[622] We did build it.

[623] Yeah.

[624] You know, everybody got mad at me because I got mad at Obama for that expression that he used.

[625] What expression?

[626] Where he said, you didn't build that, you know, to, you didn't build the infrastructure.

[627] I was talking about that, you know, the reason why we have, you know, such a great society that people are able to, you know, create jobs and start their own businesses is because there's this infrastructure and you need to contribute to that.

[628] You didn't build that.

[629] You didn't build that infrastructure.

[630] He's saying, who didn't build it?

[631] The people that have the businesses.

[632] Oh, yeah.

[633] He's saying that you didn't build it on your own.

[634] Yeah.

[635] But, you know, what I got upset about, and me and Brian Cowan were talking about it, and I should clarify because enough people tweeted me and commented on the message board.

[636] Yeah, you don't really misconstrued.

[637] Yeah, what I don't like about that is because that is a defeatist attitude.

[638] You're telling someone something they didn't do.

[639] That's not how a leader should be communicated.

[640] with people in my really unsubstantial and completely irrefutable or refutable position.

[641] I mean, who am I to tell you?

[642] Here's what I think.

[643] It's more what do you mean how a leader should act?

[644] Those are things in terms that we grew up on, but like, what do you mean?

[645] Why shouldn't he hang out of his underwear and say whatever he wants?

[646] I'm not saying that I don't, you know, I have any credibility on this subject.

[647] But I think that when you're talking to a group of people, this is just my opinion.

[648] can't say that any more times and if you're the leader of 300 million people and you're talking in negatives then you're putting out negative you're putting out negative energy you're scolding people you're in a sense you're saying that someone's wrong when you say you didn't build that he said that about Mitt Romney but no he said that about people that don't think that they should pay more in taxes people that don't think they should contribute more which I by the way even though I'm I have a mixture of ideas that I have about what is about a lot of things that I believe that are very liberal as far as like social issues and a lot of things that I believe that are pretty conservative and people would be kind of surprised because I just think there's a reality to human nature that a lot of liberal people I think don't want to they don't want to accept they want to pretend that people are a little less predictable than they actually are you know but humans or humans react like this whatever type of species we are until we accept that all these conversations we have are just flavored by bullshit that's why political conversations never work that's why political speeches never They never see those side They never realize that Yeah when you see a guy like Mitt Romney Or a guy like Barack Obama Who's by the way a really good speaker He's way better than I would be If I had to do that thing I'd get a crazy emotional I'd probably cry like a bitch Yeah So this is really I had the real responsibility Of guiding 300 million people He handles it admirably I mean it's amazing But they all do it in a fake way they'll do what we are the type of country that prevails we are not the type of country the backs down you know it's like come on man you're not talking to me as a human being in these grandiose ways of using tone and separating speech is to me it's a lot like stand -up comedy pausing for applause yeah you don't stand -up with no jokes like, you hear them raise their voice at the end.

[649] You're like, come on.

[650] It's not because of the message.

[651] It's because of the way you delivered it.

[652] Yeah, you use some theatrical type of voice.

[653] It's cheap.

[654] You see a comic doing that.

[655] You're like, come on.

[656] I can't finish your set and go like this.

[657] Give it up for me. Some guys do, though.

[658] You've seen it.

[659] How gross is that?

[660] Remember, there was a one guy that used to come around and would tell the audience that I, this always gets a standing ovation.

[661] This is my last bit.

[662] This always gets a standing ovation.

[663] And he would go into his last bit.

[664] Just letting him know.

[665] You should be getting a standing ovation at the end of this.

[666] And he would tell people.

[667] to stand the fuck up stand the fuck up stand the fuck up it's supposed to just happen people are so crazy they're so greedy they want it now it's mine it's mine it's my precious that's why the golem works so well because everyone's like yeah I see that oh precious precious precious hmm me wants it it's become almost a hacky reference in comedy because it works so well oh because it's it is like yeah Having that much desire for something, that's the extreme.

[668] The creepiest possible aspect of people is when you're running into them in the midst of an addiction.

[669] The green monster.

[670] Yeah.

[671] When you see someone who wants something so bad, something, something, give it to us.

[672] Give it to us.

[673] You know, that thing where I've seen it with Coke.

[674] I've seen it with people that wanted Coke.

[675] But they just want to get back to where they were in the first 20 minutes of their fucking Coke trip.

[676] Well, they're not thinking.

[677] No, they just know they want it.

[678] but it's weird to see that that glassy -eyed like lockdown on that chemical they want that chemical so bad i was with tibo yesterday two days ago yesterday and we saw i don't care when it happened man saw some guy crossing the street but he's walking with uh sweatpants no t -shirt and socks on walking down lebraia pat crossing hollywood boulevard and i was like on the other side street i was like tibo what drug is that he goes meth looks methy to me kind of meth yeah A little on the meth -y side.

[679] Jesus Christ.

[680] I was like, he seems calm.

[681] He's like, oh, no, he's just waiting for someone to get in his way.

[682] That's why I have no respect for cops that decide, by the way, not are forced to act, but decide it's time to raid medical marijuana dispensaries.

[683] Go cleaning up the meth labs, you fuck.

[684] You know where people are actually going in and parking their car and paying for it with their credit card.

[685] You know what's happening.

[686] You know what's worse.

[687] You assholes.

[688] Whoever it is at the top, I know you're trying to protect your cops.

[689] but really come on man you need to get drones and I usually don't say that but that's what the cops need to deal with the meth oh yeah just drones what's gonna happen with it nothing's gonna happen with this leave the weed alone how about weed pays for drones to go after the meth but the city council stuff for LA that's not gonna pass right no it's not gonna pass the mayor's never gonna sign off on no they can go fuck themselves the idea is ridiculous you know much money they would lose they would lose billions of dollars in revenue and taxes it's ridiculous those those companies are just as much of a legitimate business as someone's selling cucumber But here's a problem, though.

[690] Yeah, but I agree with you.

[691] But six out of seven city councilmen or whatever said, yeah, let's get rid of it.

[692] Yeah, those guys are bitches.

[693] Are they in the pocket of people?

[694] Is that what it is probably?

[695] Of course.

[696] Of course.

[697] This is a big issue, man. If this could make, look, imagine you could wipe out, just for a goof.

[698] Say that you could wipe out all of the medical marijuana dispensers in this state.

[699] So the only way a patient could get pot was to illegally.

[700] grow it if that was the case people like grandmas and shit they would illegally grow it or they would just go to the pills it's very possible you get a lot of people to the pills yeah a lot of people take it for pain relief man a lot of people that have had back injuries I will tell you the story I heard where it's like story evidence whatever that word is but um we were on that masses of comedy tour that shitty one with Tripoli and all those guys and this guy will see he was like he was like a he's like a army guy He's like, I'm not touching that stuff.

[701] We get a little noise that you smoked around him.

[702] Within two weeks, he was like, all right, let me have some.

[703] But we always shoved him in the back with a lot with a luggage and stuff.

[704] Right.

[705] And his back was like, fuck, I'm hurt.

[706] It hurt, whatever.

[707] He said, like, dude, my back feels good.

[708] Yeah.

[709] When he finally started smoking, he was like, this is, I feel better.

[710] Well, part of the problem with back pain, and this has been proven is it's stress -related.

[711] That a lot of times when people have, like, really stressful lives.

[712] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[713] Yeah, yeah.

[714] Yeah, there's a guy, I think his name is John Sarno.

[715] I think that's his name.

[716] He's a doctor from New York And he's like got this idea that I think his name is Sarno I should I should look this up But that it's psychosomatic and Eddie Bravo actually found that his back problems are psychosomatic He could like see if he was stressed Well he said that he was just so tense in the way he was thinking And he changed the way he was thinking And when he changed the way he's thinking literally his back problems went away There's an old fable in the in the Old Testament That somebody, some guy was trying to help a king he couldn't get his shoe off or something he's like armor on of a shoe and he couldn't get it off and the king had to like calm him down or the Jew had to calm this king down and then once that happened then his swelling went down on his foot and he was able to get the shoe off huh yeah you fucked that front thing fucked it up good man fucked it up good it's not your fault I can't face you and turn oh that's clearly the way to do it but now so how do I just missing an angle just right there's good right there's good can you tighten it up right there so uh that jewish uh horror movie oh yeah the divick box yeah well it's i think it's called the possession oh yeah yeah so it just came out yeah it was wicked stupid yeah totally unbelievable yeah completely retarded you like drag me to hell i was like this sucks this sucks loved it this sucks loved it i remember that child in a lot of ways i don't know if you've recognized that that time we were in san jose and and and we're all gonna go see a movie because it's so boring there and it's like two blocks it's okay yep yep and so we're all going to see movie and you and tom was like let's go see drag me to hell and I was like barf let's go see up and you guys are like barf oh my god drag me to hell was so much better than me and brian cried like a 14 year old me and Brian cried it up did you really bawling oh that's so sweet yeah I don't like getting depressed at the movies and up did depress me when the old guy was in the house by himself I'm like I don't know I want to watch this that's gross yeah man watching someone rot away.

[717] At first 15 minutes into that, you're like, that's just a beautiful short of him with the wife coming up.

[718] Depressing as fuck.

[719] Yeah.

[720] I like when stuff touches me like that.

[721] You don't like it?

[722] I used to, and I gave up.

[723] I gave up on that feeling.

[724] Like, I don't need that.

[725] I'm trying to manage as much positive thinking in my life as possible.

[726] The last thing I want to do is watch a movie about some guy is fucking shooting heroin and falling apart and, you know, Someone accidentally hit someone with a car because I don't want to see that I don't want to see it I don't care I don't need to see reality when I go to the fucking movies I want the Hulk really I would see every time yeah I would see I've been back and forth what's that not even a back and forth fuck about some depressing movie yeah I'm not going to the movies you get depressed I don't have time man I've got a lot of different interests you know and I'm into like I'm really into a lot of different things that I don't get to do a lot like play pool.

[727] The last thing I was do is take some time with and play in pool so you can feel.

[728] To watch some movie that wants to make me cry like a bitch about some shit that didn't even really happen.

[729] I'm crying about some fake shit.

[730] And you go to comedy too.

[731] You'll go to L .E .G. movies and stuff like that.

[732] Oh, for sure.

[733] Yeah.

[734] No, no. I love comedies.

[735] Don't get me wrong.

[736] Yeah.

[737] I wanted to go see the new Will Ferrell Zach Galfanakis movie but it was sold out like a motherfucker.

[738] Really?

[739] Yeah, we were 20 minutes before it too.

[740] I was like, oh shit.

[741] I thought I could go see that movie That movie's gonna be like number one Apparently it's fucking When did it come out?

[742] It just came out But I had a bunch of people Say that when it went and saw it's just so ridiculous It's like from the moment it starts You just it's a fucking crazy giggle fest Because they're both so stupid funny Like Will Ferrell I've seen him in movies Like he's got like scenes in Anchorman That is so preposterous Like when the girl was starting to become famous And he was upset Yeah you remember I mean it's like he's so funny.

[743] It's so ridiculous and it's like, all right, it's funny.

[744] Every movie that he's in, I've never seen a bad Will Ferrell movie.

[745] I've never seen a Will Ferrell movie that didn't make me laugh.

[746] Talladega Nights is one of my all -time favorite comedies.

[747] I like Talladega Nights.

[748] That's a fucking great movie.

[749] When that girl stops fucking Will Ferrell because he loses and then starts fucking Philipsuma Hoffman or whatever the guy's name is.

[750] Yeah, Leslie Bibb.

[751] Yeah, and I was like, you're fucking the other guys.

[752] Like, those are my kids now.

[753] She was my ex -girlfriend in Zookeeper.

[754] Oh, really?

[755] Yeah, she was the girl that I was trying to get from Kevin James.

[756] Oh, nice.

[757] Yeah.

[758] She's really nice.

[759] She's super cool.

[760] As far as like, you know, you think about like hanging with actors, that actors would be like real actor -ish.

[761] Leslie Bibb is cool as fuck.

[762] And she's totally like a guy.

[763] Dude, we were on the way to, she's really funny.

[764] And she's nice.

[765] She's nice to everybody.

[766] She's nice to the P .A.'s.

[767] She's nice to the makeup lady.

[768] She's just nice.

[769] But she's fucking really hilarious.

[770] I don't know how much.

[771] She would ever want anybody to know of this conversation, so I won't tell you any fore.

[772] But she was cracking jokes about something, and I was like, I can't believe this is the chick from Talladega Nights.

[773] Really?

[774] Yeah, it was really funny.

[775] She's really funny.

[776] Steve Byrne was.

[777] I've been getting called into audition for that Sullivan and Son a few times.

[778] Sullivan and Son, what is that?

[779] Steve Byrne's show.

[780] It's on TBS.

[781] Oh, yeah, TBS has like a lot of comedies now, right?

[782] Yeah, they're really trying to go.

[783] That's a recent thing, right?

[784] Is that where Louis is?

[785] No, he's at FX.

[786] FX, yeah, okay.

[787] But his is on TBS.

[788] But anyway, at some point, you got called on three times for, like, one same show.

[789] It's like, Steve, thank you.

[790] You clearly said something about me. Yeah.

[791] And he's like, I'd so much rather hang out with a comic than an actor.

[792] Oh, yeah.

[793] Even if it's just one line.

[794] I'd rather be a lot of one.

[795] Normally I say that, but then I'm saying, like, this Leslie Bibb check, even though she's not a comic.

[796] She is a comic.

[797] She might as well be a comic.

[798] Yeah, and there's some annoying comics, too, that I wouldn't want to hang out with.

[799] Of course.

[800] I'm telling, look, a lot of people that are actors in comedy, like Leslie Bibb, could easily have been a stand -up.

[801] You know, like the same, yeah, the same thing that, you know, Chelsea Handler can pull off.

[802] Leslie Bibb can pull that off too, you know?

[803] I mean, I think she's...

[804] She's a hand that takes some shit, but I've always thought she was hardcore.

[805] She's funny.

[806] She's funny.

[807] I thought she was the only girl that was talking about being a whore that was really a whore.

[808] She's like, she ain't faking it.

[809] She's always been nice to me. Every time I've always seen her, she's always been nice to me. I've never heard anybody say she's an asshole.

[810] You know, I don't, you know, I don't know what it's like on her set or anything like that, but she's always nice.

[811] She's funny.

[812] come into the store and ever would like like Jeff Scott used to get mad about it sometimes but it was like I wrote a review for her book I wrote a blur remember that yeah but she would come in sit in her car drink from a flask that go in and open the show and then take off for the night she was good I remember watching her in the back of the room going wow this chick is fucking she's hardcore yeah she's like legit hardcore like she was really living it she's really getting drunk I'm not I'm not pretending I'm a whore for the sake of a joke she's funny she's cool yeah I think you know, it's a way harder road for a chick to make it as a comedian and even talk about anything that it is for a dude because a dude can get away with having an opinion about things.

[813] You know, chicks that's harder to, or they just don't try.

[814] Yeah.

[815] Well, it's also like you'll listen to a guy on stage with a conservative point of view for a little bit.

[816] You know what I mean?

[817] You'll listen for a little bit if the guy is a respectable person.

[818] Even Christopher Hitchens was like pretty conservative when it came to a lot of military issues.

[819] Oh yeah.

[820] you know and these are obviously super liberal atheists at the same time yeah but if you had a woman that was on stage it was trying to get you to laugh and had opinions so completely polar opposite of your opinions as well you wouldn't be wanting to hear it you couldn't be talking about suck and dicks and it's hard it's hard to do for them no but like political opinions or fucking social opinions shut your mouth woman I think none of them just do it right get to choose that's how guys think and I think it's way harder for a chick to have a political point of view.

[821] That's why a lot of them become like really like snappy.

[822] Like a dog can yell that too much.

[823] In their act?

[824] They definitely get pushed into being characters more.

[825] Into being character acts.

[826] Oh yeah.

[827] I agree with that.

[828] Just like Roseanne did.

[829] Just like Philis Diller did.

[830] Just like all these people did.

[831] It really hasn't stopped.

[832] Rosanne was a monster.

[833] You remember when Roseanne first came out, man?

[834] I remember she was the first chick that I ever saw it really kill.

[835] Really kill.

[836] Really kill.

[837] You saw her doze box?

[838] No, I don't think I ever saw her live.

[839] I might have saw her once at the store live, and I can't remember.

[840] But I've seen her specials, you know, I've seen her specials a bunch of times.

[841] And I've tweeted back at her.

[842] I think she admonished me for making a potty joke.

[843] Oh, really?

[844] Like a mommy.

[845] As a joke?

[846] I don't think so.

[847] I think she was telling me to concentrate more in important issues.

[848] Oh, really?

[849] She was one of the first women to get her say.

[850] She goes, we'll do it my way.

[851] That's Roseanne Barr, bitch.

[852] She better recognize.

[853] She fired every show on her she had.

[854] Yeah.

[855] Yeah.

[856] You're all fired one at a time.

[857] Well, that's a weird thing that happens to people when they become like the star of a fucking show.

[858] Yeah, you can't tell Roseanne what you do.

[859] Not after that second year.

[860] It was like she was one of the biggest people in America.

[861] She was huge.

[862] Remember when she had a three -way marriage?

[863] Her and Tom Arnold married Sandra Bernhardt or that other person?

[864] Is that true?

[865] Something like, there was like a three -way marriage.

[866] Wow.

[867] They're like marrying her.

[868] Did you imagine being married to another person?

[869] What a drag.

[870] What a crazy drag.

[871] How about we all get divorced and just live together?

[872] Let's just make up our mind, honey.

[873] There's marriage is a sham.

[874] We're bringing another person in here.

[875] Let's just get divorced and hang out together.

[876] Can we do that?

[877] Get a three -way marriage.

[878] Why don't I have a 10 -way marriage, you dumb fuck?

[879] That way, when you break up, you can't have any money.

[880] How about that?

[881] You don't get any of it.

[882] All of it goes to other people.

[883] They can't live off what you make.

[884] You got nothing.

[885] Yeah, you can't.

[886] Could you imagine if you got divorced from nine people and you had to pay them all.

[887] Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. It'd be like when you go to Tijuana and those little chick -lucal kids come up to you.

[888] It'll be like that.

[889] With Alimony all the time.

[890] Yeah, I mean, you've got to think of how stupid it is.

[891] Like, I was having a conversation with somebody about the O .J. Simpson case the other day came up.

[892] They were talking about people, like, getting, like, super crazy because they have to pay so much in divorce.

[893] Yeah.

[894] And we broke it down.

[895] I go, could you imagine if you had explained that to somebody that if they didn't understand in the system.

[896] It's like, yeah, well, what happens is you sign this paper and then when you're not together anymore, even if they're fucking other people, you have to keep sending them money for like a long time, for years and years and years.

[897] And they, for whatever reason, never have to get their shit together.

[898] They never have to.

[899] No. And everyone's like, you get to do what you have to do.

[900] You have to support them.

[901] Why?

[902] Crazy?

[903] You know, I have a friend who's wife, whose wife, if she got married to the man that she loves, she would lose all of her money.

[904] So she won't marry him.

[905] So this guy's like a bum and they live together and this guy has to pay them astronomical sums every month and he'll like get a credit order or a court order to prove that she's living with a man and the guy would just move out for two weeks the inspector comes and then he moves back in here's the thing i understand that if you gave up your life and your career to raise a child for someone else oh no no no no no no he has no kids if you just marry someone yeah in what world of equality do you think because you guys decide to break up that one person should pay the other person in what equality world?

[906] It's if you get married for more than 12 years then you're under...

[907] No, if you're living together with five years in California.

[908] No, no, no, that's what I'm saying.

[909] If you're married for more than 12 years and you get divorced...

[910] And you grow apart?

[911] You have to pay them.

[912] You have to pay them forever.

[913] Because you grew in separate ways.

[914] I mean, that is one of the...

[915] Every girl is not outraged by that.

[916] It's a fucking cunt.

[917] Every one of you, whenever you want equality, just know that that's a rule still and go fuck yourself.

[918] There's no way that should still be around.

[919] Stop and think about it for a second.

[920] I got two words for you right now.

[921] Tom Arnold.

[922] Yeah, that's hard.

[923] That's hard.

[924] That's our pairback.

[925] It's not just girls.

[926] That's right.

[927] And Britney Spears, dude.

[928] Oh, that's right.

[929] Kevin Fenner on the house.

[930] He's fat and he drives a Ferrari.

[931] But every guy, every guy was excited about that.

[932] Like, black people were excited about OJ getting off.

[933] Where we knew this is ridiculous, but finally one for us.

[934] that you just went deep with that son.

[935] It's a ridiculous law.

[936] It's ridiculous.

[937] Yeah, it's craziness.

[938] It's crazy that you could be separated by years and years and years and years.

[939] And even the same amount of time that you were actually together.

[940] Like if you were together for 12 years and separated for 12 years, no, no, in perpetuity.

[941] You've got to keep paying.

[942] We got married, we're 18, now I'm 30.

[943] And she can't even find a man. She can't find a man who loves her enough to take her away.

[944] It comes from a time with their tarnished goods because they've already been married for the long.

[945] Like, who would want them?

[946] What the fuck is that?

[947] It's not even that.

[948] It's that, like, she can't trust him.

[949] What?

[950] I'm going to just trust you.

[951] I'm going to marry you and you're going to stick around.

[952] If I lose you, I lose all this money.

[953] I mean, she gets a substantial, substantial amount of money every year.

[954] It's a payday.

[955] What the fuck are you talking about?

[956] How much?

[957] That comes from a crazy time.

[958] How much does she get?

[959] Oh, nothing.

[960] Just about a million dollars a year.

[961] Remember that Chris Rock bit.

[962] It's okay to give half of your money when you have to.

[963] $2 million.

[964] Try when you have $30 ,000.

[965] Try to give it up $15 ,000.

[966] Even when you have $2 million, it's like it hurts your soul.

[967] I idea about it.

[968] She didn't earn this.

[969] It's so crazy that if you write something down on paper, another person you have to keep paying them?

[970] Like, why can't you live your life?

[971] Like, that seems to be kind of strange.

[972] Yeah.

[973] You're requiring me to live your life.

[974] Yeah, what kind of fucking weird enabling system do we have here?

[975] We're not responsible for yourself.

[976] I'm not going to say it.

[977] They're training them to be adults.

[978] That's what we're training to be.

[979] I didn't believe you said that.

[980] I stopped myself.

[981] I try to grow as a human.

[982] I try to grow as a human.

[983] But that's what you're training to be.

[984] Fucking people unable to take care of themselves in any way.

[985] It's ridiculous.

[986] It's ridiculous.

[987] Well, the whole idea is ridiculous.

[988] You can get injured in an accident.

[989] Women want to be protected when they're raising children and to be legal.

[990] Like, some guys are douchebags.

[991] They don't want to pay for their kids.

[992] And they wouldn't want to pay alimony or child's I'm not saying that I'm just saying in cases especially where there's no children it seems a little weird that you could be separated from someone for in my friend's case 10 fucking years he's paying a substantial let me say it again a substantial amount of money my friend is a real real worker he works he's got his own business he's like I mean this motherfucker puts in some hours all right I'm telling too much He's also a wizard.

[993] He lives in a cave and he drives a spaceship.

[994] And he's Asian.

[995] It's just a sad world when you see people destroyed by a weird, unequal legal system.

[996] It's antiquated.

[997] What the fuck is that?

[998] It doesn't make any sense.

[999] How can anyone defend that kind of behavior?

[1000] It's just so crazy to think that someone who you don't want in your life anymore is still your financial responsibility.

[1001] How about the last two years was a living hell?

[1002] That doesn't buy you anything?

[1003] Any discounts?

[1004] Yeah.

[1005] And this is, you know, we're talking about grown a dog.

[1006] adults, man. I mean, you would assume that you've done something with your life that's tradeworthy.

[1007] We hated each other.

[1008] We had to sleep next to each other for the last two years.

[1009] And it doesn't matter.

[1010] You weren't, yeah, no bed together.

[1011] You know, you might fucking, she might insult you when you're at dinner.

[1012] I mean, make up your own horrifying scenario that it could have been.

[1013] And imagine you have to pay that person a million a year.

[1014] It's craziness.

[1015] 20 bucks.

[1016] That's what you get.

[1017] What you get when you get out of prison.

[1018] The whole idea behind paying people money is fucking crazy.

[1019] But the whole idea behind charity is beautiful and when people don't get charity from people they want to get it from them you give it to me and it's a fucking horrible aspect of human nature that people want something that they don't deserve but we all want it yeah after we get it for a while we all want it yeah you all want to slip in fall and sue after you get but in anything even when you start getting spots at the comedy store you start thinking well now I get them I deserve them yes yeah you start thinking like this yeah it's hard to maintain humility and appreciation those are two very very very hard aspects of the human the human experience to to really maintain and hang on to yeah yeah it's it's hard to be a nice person i was talking to this guy in toronto this new comic he was interviewing me for something yeah web thing powerful toronto coming soon massey hall and uh are we gonna you're gonna be able to i'm also doing shows in toronto for just for last that that's i will probably be by there to hang out at very least at the very least so legally we can't say that arshafeel will be performing yeah but you know what's how the sales is that show.

[1020] Oh, stellar.

[1021] It's almost sold out.

[1022] Yeah, it's almost sold out.

[1023] You know, it's, look, Massey Hall is one of the fucking coolest places on Earth.

[1024] Have you ever done it?

[1025] No. Dude, like, fucking Beatles did it and shit.

[1026] It's like one of those places.

[1027] Oh, it's insanity.

[1028] I'm scared.

[1029] I'm scared just thinking about it now.

[1030] I'm getting tuned up.

[1031] Yeah, I'm so fired up for that show.

[1032] I'm fired up for this weekend, too.

[1033] I'm doing the Lobero theater in Santa Barbara, or Santa Barbara, rather.

[1034] Santa Barbara is pretty fucking dope.

[1035] Santa Barbara.

[1036] you ever go there uh i just went camping near like halfway there dude i'm telling you it's so nice to go camping you got to do it silly bitch it's so much fun you see fucking animals we got attacked by a skunk yeah that's not good it was so fun you're saying it's good it was so fun skunks are not good dude only one guy to walk through it was so fun that's not real camping that's serial killer bait and then we went out into the wild yeah but that's no wild the wild that you can get to your car in l .A. is not real wild where did you go josh where do you want to go you got to Montana, son, you've got to go somewhere legit.

[1037] Oh, we can't go to that.

[1038] That's too much.

[1039] That's too involved.

[1040] We want to take mushrooms and drive somewhere.

[1041] Okay, but I'm telling you that you're just asking to get eaten.

[1042] That's what you're doing.

[1043] If you go to one of those creepy semi -wooded areas near cities...

[1044] That's family.

[1045] He's there.

[1046] Well, like Griffith Park.

[1047] Griffith Park is a good place to get a blowjob.

[1048] A half -eaten body.

[1049] Griffith Park is different.

[1050] It's a good place to find a pit that people made when they cooked a homeless guy.

[1051] That's the kind of place where you find some shit like that.

[1052] You know, it's not like the real woods.

[1053] It's not like Colorado.

[1054] It's not like walking through the trails and the Rockies.

[1055] It's the closest place where I can get away from everyone.

[1056] Yeah.

[1057] And that's so much fun sometimes.

[1058] To get away from everybody.

[1059] If I had a houseboat, I'd take it out sometimes.

[1060] Fuck yeah, it is.

[1061] But the problem is the places you're going, anybody you run into, you're going to have to kill.

[1062] You're going to have to kill in a hand -to -hand fight.

[1063] He's going to be trying to take your life.

[1064] You're going to have to call back on those old school, 10th Planet Tujitsu skills.

[1065] I remember what my dad taught me about the Israeli army?

[1066] What am I remember?

[1067] kicking the balls for two people dude i'm so bummed out that you hurt your knees i really love the fact that you got into jihitsu and you got you got proficient at it for a while i remember seeing you get a few taps and i was like holy shit already's tapping people i saw you get anyone who's thinking of doing it it's so invigorating when you get that it's it's like it's sort of the same but way better than it's come back man why don't you uh just lift a little weights for a couple months build your your body up a little bit i uh i'm about to go back now I had a pretty significant back injury where I popped it.

[1068] I miss it sometimes.

[1069] And then I tried to keep rolling.

[1070] I tried to like just roll light and just use technique.

[1071] And I heard it really bad.

[1072] I heard it bad to the point where I was getting numbness in my hands.

[1073] Oh, really?

[1074] Yeah.

[1075] I've had that.

[1076] It was intense.

[1077] Singling.

[1078] Yeah, it was intense.

[1079] And then I came back for a little and I got my black belt and then I heard it again.

[1080] And I was like, motherfucker.

[1081] I said, all right.

[1082] I can't just rest this.

[1083] I got to make this thing stronger.

[1084] I should say this because I don't think I got injured in Jiu -Jitsu.

[1085] I think I got injured from kettlebells.

[1086] But I'll say to anyone doesn't be careful and don't go, don't bend past a certain level.

[1087] Well, honestly, I think before you even do kettlebells for you, because you had been kind of sedentary, I think it would have been nice a little bit, trying to be a friend, brother.

[1088] You know, I love you.

[1089] I'm a special was growing on me. You could have started off with perhaps like some bodyweight squats and some push -ups and like a real conservative sort of a build -up phase.

[1090] Because what happened to you has happened to people before.

[1091] go too hard and you break yeah yeah you can you can fuck yourself up kevin perera had the exact same problem calin told me at some point he's like but honestly dude you're 36 you 37 you can't you can't that's what's gonna happen that's calent that's right before he lifted his shirt fox news something and then pounded himself fox news messenger of doom comes to if you're if you're talking about how great your body was he would have went that way with you he just really loves being calvin but now he is right in a lot of ways i mean when you're older for sure the shit breaks more especially if you're thinking in the fact that you're 36 and on top of being 36 you're also like you know you haven't you haven't been in the best of shape right right right you you were you got to that age and on top of it you were like like not eating well I just started eating healthy yeah I'm going to whole foods I went in there once high stone drove in there I was like let me see and their salad bar was so fucking good and full of different flavors that I'm like I can do this it truly makes a difference eat healthy and people don't understand they don't you don't know what you're depriving yourself out of It doesn't mean, it doesn't mean, yeah, it doesn't mean be a vegetarian either.

[1092] It means getting a lot of nutrition.

[1093] It's weird, though.

[1094] I just did it because it tasted okay.

[1095] But after like a month, like a solid month of doing it, like all the time, like eight, nine of those a day.

[1096] Yeah.

[1097] You know, not a day, a week.

[1098] After that, I could feel better.

[1099] Like, I would feel like more energy and, like, better.

[1100] Yeah, of course.

[1101] It's like when you quit smoking, too.

[1102] I'm sure it must have been the same sort of a thing.

[1103] And I would like to say that.

[1104] No?

[1105] I'd like to say that, but it just has a real pull back, huh?

[1106] It's always pulled you a little bit back.

[1107] Yeah, I'm better off it now.

[1108] The pot helps because I can get that feeling of smoking something, which would relieve that, that little feeling.

[1109] So, but for the longest time after that, it always pulled you, right?

[1110] Oh, yeah.

[1111] Oh, you just always want to go on.

[1112] And then when you see it, when you see people, you're like, I want, I want to be part of this.

[1113] I want to be with you guys smoking right now.

[1114] It's so weird how it's so different for different people.

[1115] Like, some people will quit smoking, and then they feel like they have so much energy, and they feel so much better, and they feel like they've got.

[1116] out from under a rock like something was weighing them down and then some people quit and they never quite get over that pull they just keep trying i had to accept like you know how i said a a a a day they're powerless over the drug like every time i'm like i'll just have like one or two a day four a week it's like no i don't have power over this it'll be back at half a pack to a pack every day that's so scary it's so scary that they made it that way oh yeah the addictive stuff isn't what isn't what gets you the good feeling hey mitt romney can we talk about this hey barraq obama can we about this poison that kills a half a million people a year here it kills like something nutty like five million worldwide die every year from cigarettes like whoa did you imagine if you came out with some new shit like skin cream it was killing five million people worldwide a year how long before they would pull that shit off the market that's a that's a fucking plague that's a new AIDS it's well it's an old AIDS it would be so many more people if we didn't have it though oh thank God for cigarettes and AIDS think about cigarettes and AIDS it really helps us out getting the freeway.

[1117] And still, the 405 is jammed.

[1118] With all these people drop it off from cigarettes, there's something sad to me about an old lady smoking cigarettes, and I know that's stupid and hypocritical, but I want to feel like an old lady should have someone in her life who loves her enough to get her to quit smoking cigarettes.

[1119] To me, it's like, you did it.

[1120] You did it, you made it, you're old and you're still smoking.

[1121] You got through the maze.

[1122] You got through.

[1123] It's like she survived the hunger games.

[1124] There's some women that have that, that brassy, they know you don't want to fuck them.

[1125] It's done.

[1126] It's over.

[1127] They're okay with it.

[1128] And so, like, They're a different thing.

[1129] It's not like a woman.

[1130] They become like this really old thing who can, well, I'll tell you what, when you were my age, sony.

[1131] I've been undesirable for 28 years.

[1132] They get accustomed to it.

[1133] That must be so sad, though, for a chick.

[1134] Because really beautiful chicks are super powerful.

[1135] They have superpowers.

[1136] You know, they go into a room and everybody loves them despite their...

[1137] Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[1138] I said this on Twitter, but I realized recently, it's like the only difference in someone who you look at it as a crazy person and someone who look at it as like cute or quirky is fuckability That's true That's the only difference Oh yeah for sure Yeah you look back And think about some of the girls that you dated And men too Flav or Flav Was the same behavior then that he is now But because he was younger and more vibrant Oh yeah You're like oh that's okay That guy's just a little weird Yeah if you want to fuck them They become way easier to hang out with When they're completely insane Or terrible Well don't you think like a certain point in your life When you meet a person They're just your sex dispenser Yeah.

[1139] Part of it you masturbate with them.

[1140] Yeah, you masturbate with them.

[1141] Like, there's people that you have legitimate relationships with.

[1142] There's some people that you just fucking never click with.

[1143] Well, they're also sort of both.

[1144] On any level, they're both.

[1145] Yeah.

[1146] So I've apologized for girlfriends in my mind that have been like rude to waitstaff.

[1147] And I later, I'm like, you know, she likes service done right.

[1148] That's all.

[1149] But it's like, in your head, you're like, come on.

[1150] Yeah.

[1151] That's an asshole.

[1152] Yeah.

[1153] And you're ignoring it.

[1154] People get, they grow up with that shit.

[1155] That's the problem.

[1156] We're so adaptable.

[1157] You know, if you look at all the different sort of like crazy culture, and what they condone and don't condone all over the world.

[1158] And if you think about how similar human beings are genetically, like all over the world, the variation is so small.

[1159] But yet, the behavior patterns are so radically different between, like, you know, like what's going on right now in Bahrain and what's going on right now, you know.

[1160] Middle East is amped up.

[1161] Slight difference, make a huge difference.

[1162] Yeah.

[1163] I mean, the same era on Earth, the apocalypse is going on in one place.

[1164] And another place, you know, you're walking down the street in Bel Air.

[1165] and there's manicured lawns and everyone's friendly and it smells great.

[1166] There's flowers everywhere.

[1167] Birds are chirping.

[1168] You get in your convertible.

[1169] You drive down to Starbucks.

[1170] You sit there with your feet up on a chair.

[1171] You know, like, hop in every war.

[1172] Everything's so great.

[1173] I remember it was you, me, Diaz, and I think Duncan might have been with us too.

[1174] It was one of the days after 9 -11 before the plane started flying again.

[1175] Yeah.

[1176] And we were all sitting around, like outside of a Starbucks or one of those coffee beans or something like that and we were sitting around just just talking about how beautiful it was like how could they be a war right now where we're going where we're sitting right here in southern California it was so far removed it was so beautiful there was no planes there was no planes flying around because it was 9 -11 so like you never got to hear anything fly overhead and it was like way quieter it was almost like we went back in time for a couple days it was weird man you don't realize how often you hear a fucking planes especially if you're anywhere near the airport those fucking things are giant you're ignored after a while yeah that's why whenever you shoot something and the sound guy has to be like plane you're like what I didn't know all the time I'm a wizard of catching that shit because you know it's going to ruin the shot yeah I'll stop people from doing things on fear factors hold on hold on hold on we got a plane we got a plane we got a plane but yeah we were sitting around and I remember we were thinking like how could there be a war going on somewhere how could there be a place of such complete disarray that planes are flying into buildings and thousands of people are dying.

[1177] When you and me and Diaz are just sitting here, high as fuck, drinking coffee and just kicking back, looking at the sun, you know, looking at this perfect weather.

[1178] We're too connected with the whole world, man. Yeah, sometimes, like, there should be just village.

[1179] Like, we're just here now.

[1180] We shouldn't worry about what's happening over there, or a different planet or a different, like, whatever.

[1181] It's like, it's not our star system.

[1182] We're just having a good time.

[1183] The problem is then other people form gangs and they take over.

[1184] And they invade, just like that Mayan movie.

[1185] It's almost like, you know, when people say this, like Americans, those troops are fighting for our freedom.

[1186] They're not.

[1187] They're not fighting for our freedom.

[1188] But they are.

[1189] But they are.

[1190] Because someone always, throughout history, has become the baddest motherfuckers on the planet.

[1191] Someone.

[1192] Whether it was the Greeks or the Romans or the United States of America, somebody had to dictate what the fuck happens.

[1193] No one ever done it as well as the U .S. has done it.

[1194] But we've always had to do it.

[1195] It's been a guy in charge.

[1196] And so the argument is, look, if anybody's going to do it, it should be us.

[1197] Because let me tell you something.

[1198] As far as the rest of the world goes, we're about as nice as you can get.

[1199] As far as, like, how we treat our own, this is about as nice as we can get.

[1200] I know.

[1201] With this kind of power?

[1202] But then you think, like, we're the only ones that you ever drop the bomb.

[1203] We're the only ones that ever did that.

[1204] We don't trust anybody else with it.

[1205] When the only person has a loss on that is us, and we have two.

[1206] We're oh and two.

[1207] What's fucked up is that we drop two bombs.

[1208] Yeah.

[1209] We dropped the bomb.

[1210] And then we're like, I quit.

[1211] I quit.

[1212] I can hear you.

[1213] It was like those.

[1214] hack emcees that open up comedy clubs.

[1215] Y 'all ready for Ari Shafir?

[1216] I can't hear you.

[1217] I can't hear you.

[1218] Here's my new joke.

[1219] Are you all ready for Ari Shafir?

[1220] Here's my new joke.

[1221] Tell me what you think of this.

[1222] I don't just do it now.

[1223] I don't care.

[1224] Hey, you guys like impressions and you don't have everybody claps.

[1225] I want to go, no, you don't.

[1226] Why'd you clap at that?

[1227] You know you don't want them.

[1228] You don't like them.

[1229] It's a good joke.

[1230] You're telling people what they like.

[1231] I love it.

[1232] Nobody likes impressions.

[1233] I do.

[1234] Everyone claps.

[1235] I'm like, all right.

[1236] Ari, you like different things in other people.

[1237] There's a man named Rich Little He made his whole career Out of making impressions In fucking 1830 How about Danny Gans Danny Gans before he died Of pills, by the way No, of stress For having to do impressions All day long every day That ate away at his inside What are you saying?

[1238] Of pills, whatever it was Why does he take the pills for Because he was in an awesome mood All the time A sweet, sweet art Like we said Ari, you can get addicted Those terrible little Pice used to do a great bit About Danny Gans Really?

[1239] Oh He's so big Fucking Danny Gaines Only in Vegas As soon as he steps On the bus To leave Vegas When it leaves city limits.

[1240] Like Danny Gans is taking the bus away from Vegas.

[1241] Everybody goes back there and spits in his face.

[1242] Isn't that funny?

[1243] Fuck you, Gans.

[1244] Do you have to be like, people have to like qualify his success?

[1245] Yeah.

[1246] Well, it's Vegas.

[1247] He's not.

[1248] He needs millions a year.

[1249] Well, Rita Rudner, too.

[1250] She was one that was kind of struggling a little bit on the road.

[1251] Like, there was a bunch of Margaret Smith was in that category of women.

[1252] It was like really funny women stand -up comics.

[1253] But at a certain point in time, but you stopped hearing about him.

[1254] You know, Margaret Smith was hilarious.

[1255] And they went to Vegas.

[1256] She was like in the Kinnison era.

[1257] she didn't but Rudner was from her era and Rudner carved out like a huge career for herself in Vegas every time I'm there I see posters and billboards and shit she's always like a popular act in Vegas yeah it's also people can look forward to seeing her again like for certain people like that's why the comedy scene is shit in Vegas because there's so many great shows at all times why don't we go see a local guy we're seeing legends there's 10 legends playing at any point right here what am I going to see yeah you can go see Bill Cosby and if you're locals you can get two for Wands or comps.

[1258] Yeah, you can see Bill Cosby.

[1259] You can see Joe Rogan.

[1260] You can see fucking Seinfeld.

[1261] Whoever you love...

[1262] I mean...

[1263] Damn, you just put me in with Seinfeld and Bill Cosby?

[1264] Hala.

[1265] Yeah, that's right.

[1266] Knuckles.

[1267] You can see a lot of good comedy, man. We were so looking forward to doing that show and...

[1268] I took off weeks for that.

[1269] I took off weeks for that.

[1270] So sad.

[1271] I was so excited.

[1272] We wound up...

[1273] We wound up bringing it to the Ice House.

[1274] Can I make an announcement?

[1275] Yeah, fuck yeah, bitch.

[1276] My CD is coming out.

[1277] Dun, dam!

[1278] Dada!

[1279] My first ever CD.

[1280] Revenge for the Holocaust.

[1281] Whoa, I like it.

[1282] Thank you.

[1283] That's a good name, dude.

[1284] That's beautiful.

[1285] Is it going to be on iTunes as well?

[1286] It's getting on iTunes, September 25th.

[1287] It goes on sale probably this weekend.

[1288] Dude, we're going to blow that fucking thing up.

[1289] It goes on sale today, like online.

[1290] You can buy it.

[1291] And then iTunes, when?

[1292] When's the iTunes?

[1293] No, no, no. It's up to, it's going up to iTunes today.

[1294] It'll probably be up there Friday.

[1295] Oh, okay.

[1296] For pre -sale.

[1297] But September 25th is the official first sale.

[1298] But here's what I'm doing.

[1299] But you can buy a pre -sale.

[1300] What does that mean?

[1301] start buying it, and then it comes out in the 25th.

[1302] Just give me it.

[1303] Yeah, I know.

[1304] I'll just give it to you.

[1305] Give it to me?

[1306] Yeah.

[1307] But, um...

[1308] You were really happy with this one, too.

[1309] I'm really happy with it.

[1310] I'm really excited.

[1311] And the cover, my friend of the cover, and I fucking love it.

[1312] Oh, that's dope.

[1313] Um...

[1314] I like that.

[1315] Oh, that's...

[1316] I like that.

[1317] He's an evil Jew spider.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] Going after a Hitler spy.

[1320] That's beautiful, dude.

[1321] Um, but yeah, but if you go to my website, I'm giving away four tracks.

[1322] That might be one of my favorite CD covers of all the time.

[1323] It's pretty sweet, right?

[1324] I was really thinking if I was a just a non -comedian, like a kid who really was in a comedy like I was at one point in time, if I ever found this in the CD aisle, like at the record start, I'd be like, oh, fuck yeah.

[1325] I got Ari Shafir's new shit, revenge for the Holocaust.

[1326] I would buy that just out of general principle.

[1327] Just that a like, hmm.

[1328] Yeah, if I knew that that was a stand -up comic, I had an uncle that used to do that.

[1329] My uncle Vinny, he was from the era of records, but he would take him to the record store and he goes, would just sometimes look through the album art yeah he'll buy a record just based on its album art and I've done that before too and made horrendous mistakes especially when it comes to like fantasy art like swords and like iron made stuff is so sweet but their music is like I like Iron Maiden it's okay I can get into some art it ain't as cool as the art the what it isn't as cool as their artwork The same as Grateful Dead it's like your artwork is way better than Delepper Iron Maid is that monster right Eddie about out of hell yeah yeah Yeah, that of hell.

[1330] And you know what they do?

[1331] This is what they do.

[1332] They have a few tour shirts for the year.

[1333] They will never reproduce that art. They're done selling that shirt forever after that.

[1334] They've been like a North American tour, and it's done.

[1335] That doesn't make sense to me. Every year, nor a shirt.

[1336] Every year, a new shirt.

[1337] And so now you have a 2010 shirt.

[1338] Someone else has a 2007 shirt.

[1339] You're all at fucking the same festival.

[1340] I get it.

[1341] But what if the 2007 shirt is awesome and I want to buy one?

[1342] I want to be able to buy the old shirts.

[1343] Collect his items.

[1344] I feel like you should just keep selling them.

[1345] I think I like that too, but I like something about like we were there and you had to be there to get it you know what i don't like about it you artificially control the supply like you decide it's only we're only going to release 250 people why if a thousand people want them sell a thousand you crazy fuck why you're creating a mad clam you're like only get alive like what about the people who can't see you live if a million people want to buy your crazy fucking hat you're only going to sell 10 hats this is a limited edition run of 10 hats sell all the hats anyway i'm giving away four tracks for free if you go to my website beautiful aureth .com or a riochifere dot com just go there i'm honestly really happy with it and I think if you listen to it you'll be a fan.

[1346] So four tracks absolutely out of here.

[1347] Why are you pumping your own shit up like that?

[1348] I do like it.

[1349] Let me do it.

[1350] Let me do it.

[1351] Okay, help me out.

[1352] Ari Shafir, I've known Ari Shafir for a long fucking time.

[1353] And I took Ari on the road with me when Ari was like in that stage of stand -up comedy.

[1354] Like, you were like a couple years in.

[1355] How many years in were you in?

[1356] Probably five.

[1357] Five years in?

[1358] You were there and not.

[1359] You could have some great nights and you could sit.

[1360] But I've watched you.

[1361] I made rookie mistakes.

[1362] but you made some fucking great moments too rookie mistakes are fine the real problem is the lack of the great moments in with the rookie mistakes you would have like hilarious bits and then you would clunk one in there but that's everybody does that you just were trying to find like you know find the footing try to be too out there or too little whatever it is yeah we feel yourself pushing a bit too hard but I've watched you transform into like a real legit headliner it's been fucking cool especially over the last couple of years because of doing a lot of podcasts and doing a lot of internet related stuff you got especially the you got really famous for the the racist stuff the amazing racist stuff and then you know from that to like you know seeing your stand up you know like and you know you put out no one ever came to see me from that though yeah but here or there but it's all podcast stuff now right it's all people coming to see you from the podcast yeah and then remembering that other stuff and I also liked you when you did that stuff And it's people that have come to Vegas when we perform.

[1363] I've seen you perform before to do that help.

[1364] That's the best one.

[1365] You and I have done thousands of shows.

[1366] Have you stopped and think about all the fucking shows that we did in all the different places and all the different Friday nights where we did two shows and Saturday nights where we did two shows?

[1367] Then we did a show on Sunday and sometimes we did Thursday too.

[1368] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1369] We did all lot.

[1370] We started at four day weeks.

[1371] I watched, yeah, we got too crazy.

[1372] That's like not a comfortable way to do the road.

[1373] When you're doing the road, it's four days.

[1374] five days out at a time.

[1375] It's like, get me fucking home.

[1376] This is gross.

[1377] You got to manage the uncomfort with the, like, what are you getting out of it?

[1378] I've had to do that, but then the problem is this.

[1379] It's like, I told you, I'll have like three weeks and I'll have like a week off, then I'll have another three weeks.

[1380] I'm like, I need that week off.

[1381] Right.

[1382] But then the DC improv calls and you're like, fuck, I got to go there.

[1383] The crazy thing is even the week off.

[1384] It's like, why not go on stage?

[1385] Well, that's what I would do at home.

[1386] Go to the comedy store and do it there.

[1387] We have the greatest job in the history of the world.

[1388] And it's not an easy job.

[1389] It's hard to figure out how to get really good at it.

[1390] Once you get good at it, then it becomes easy.

[1391] And it's the most rewarding shit of all the time.

[1392] We did the ice house this past weekend.

[1393] We did two shows there, and it was fucking sensational.

[1394] Fucking sensational.

[1395] Friday and Saturday is always like a little weird because people are tired, and we do a late show.

[1396] It's like a 10 .30 show on Friday.

[1397] So it doesn't really start to 11.

[1398] And people have been like working all day and then they start drinking.

[1399] It's hard to like.

[1400] Friday, it's usually the worst show.

[1401] But they were still great.

[1402] They were still great.

[1403] Saturday was off the fucking chain.

[1404] Saturday was amazing.

[1405] You know, and Bob Fisher came on stage and brought up a bottle of champagne and, you know.

[1406] That's so cool.

[1407] He's a sweetheart, man. That's a long way from having to hide the fact that you're drinking on stage at the Tempe Impro.

[1408] I have to put it in a flask and say it's apple juice.

[1409] Isn't that the most ridiculous shit of all times?

[1410] Isn't that the most ridiculous shit, like literally of all time?

[1411] He's not some great shows.

[1412] You've had some great times.

[1413] We literally did that.

[1414] We brought a flask on stage.

[1415] You wouldn't let us drink.

[1416] They said it was a state law or something?

[1417] They made up a law.

[1418] Because Christians own the place.

[1419] They made up a lot.

[1420] It's so stupid.

[1421] And I had to say it to the owner, I said, listen, man. I go, this place is filled with people that want to see us get crazy.

[1422] Okay, we want to get crazy.

[1423] They wouldn't let us drink.

[1424] Yeah.

[1425] I want to do a couple shots.

[1426] Like, come on, man. I'm here to start a party.

[1427] I'm here to do a stand -up comedy show.

[1428] I like to have fun.

[1429] Let's have some fun.

[1430] I know what I'm doing.

[1431] I'm not a child.

[1432] And they wouldn't serve it to the green room.

[1433] And the Red Band got a great idea.

[1434] And Rogan funded it.

[1435] I got whiskey in a flask.

[1436] Well, no, we got about a bunch of bottles.

[1437] Yeah, yeah.

[1438] Put it in that back corner?

[1439] We got fucked up, man. And then we just kept saying, can I have some more Coca -Cola?

[1440] Yeah, we just got blasted on Coca -Cola.

[1441] They couldn't figure out what was going on.

[1442] We were tipping the weights to have 100 bucks for Coca -Cola.

[1443] But then somebody ratted you out and then he called.

[1444] Well, yeah, it was one of the waitresses.

[1445] One of the waitresses was a familiar to the demon king.

[1446] Tell me, what have they done down at the club?

[1447] Oh, my God.

[1448] This one was alcohol on stage.

[1449] Nonsense!

[1450] He is not allowed Cannot be true You remember what he said to me He changed alcohol on stage Remember when we got there?

[1451] The heretic We got there and we were in the parking lot Joey Diaz's already inside Oh yeah he gets mad at you Yeah we're in the parking lot A couple minutes earlier like the smoke a joint Yeah Then we'll go in yeah start the show We'll be in a couple minutes The music wasn't even on I called like Dan wants to talk to you He's like what why He goes the fuck We had to delay the show for 30 minutes Because of you People are standing in the rain I'm like what rain What's minutes?

[1452] What are you talking about He would just make shit up It was the first time I've ever talked back to a club owner.

[1453] He goes, he goes, well, you're not going on this show.

[1454] And I'm like, I am damn well going on this show.

[1455] This is your only reason I'm here.

[1456] I'm going about the money.

[1457] I'm going on this show.

[1458] You almost got that loud.

[1459] I didn't get that loud.

[1460] I said, Dan, I'm going on.

[1461] And then I got super worried.

[1462] You got like really heartbeaty.

[1463] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1464] Dan, I'm going on.

[1465] And then you can't, I go, dude, you're going on.

[1466] Stop.

[1467] That helps a lot.

[1468] That's the fuck out of here.

[1469] I was so nervous.

[1470] Well, at a certain point in time, what we would do the way we did, The improvs are like some of the most professionally run clubs in the country.

[1471] But at a certain point in time, we would take over the room.

[1472] That's what we do for the way.

[1473] Well, we took over the room.

[1474] Well, like, a lot of clubs you go to, like, even when Callan goes on the road, Calin doesn't do it the same way we do it.

[1475] What Callan does is he goes there and they have an opening act and a middle act that they book.

[1476] And he just shows up he's the headliner.

[1477] That way he doesn't have to pay as much for, you know, those people's airfare and all the other shit that I pay for.

[1478] But for me, I'm like, what are you doing?

[1479] Like, you can't, you don't take over the room that way.

[1480] Then you have to, like, deal with...

[1481] Just put on a show.

[1482] Yeah.

[1483] then you're just a part of an act and you're a part of a comedy club experience.

[1484] Yeah, it's way more whole fucking night that way.

[1485] So what we would do is say, listen, we're going to provide the opening act.

[1486] We're going to provide the middle act.

[1487] And it's not up to them to say yes or no. It's like I've got a long, long, long reputation of bringing funny people on the road with me. I always bring headliners on the road with me. So you know it's going to be a top level act.

[1488] So don't worry about that.

[1489] And if it's a matter of whether or not, you know, you think my, my audience can't handle it.

[1490] Well, that's not your, it's not a, it's not a, to you to decide.

[1491] Because you brought the whole audience.

[1492] Yeah, that's the difference.

[1493] Usually they're dealing with people who, you might bring 20 % of the audience, 10 % but right.

[1494] So he tried to get, he tried to get crazy, but I was like, no, he can't get crazy.

[1495] We bought the room.

[1496] We essentially have a contract.

[1497] Like, you can't just break the contract because you decide that a guy's late.

[1498] Like, that's crazy.

[1499] He's really working for me. I'm a private contractor.

[1500] Yeah, I'm a subcontractor to this contract.

[1501] Don't make me fucking smack you, bitch.

[1502] Sit the fuck down.

[1503] Crazy asshole.

[1504] He was just a, a dude who'd like to party and he would come to work the next day with a headache and he'd get just fucking grumpy as shit when I meet a dude like that honestly I mean I love Danny Murray and I'm not talking about him in particular because I really never had a problem with that he and I never had a problem he was upset at me once because I came into town to do a theater and I didn't do his club but the only reason what I did is because this radio station promoted it to me it was like this radio station had played my voodoo panani song it became like the number one song in Phoenix.

[1505] Only in Phoenix.

[1506] Yeah, so they wanted me to come in and do a show for them.

[1507] Now, I couldn't say no. Nobody, it was like 1999.

[1508] It was like, no, I couldn't say no. It's like, nobody ever offered to put me in a theater before.

[1509] Like, holy shit, this radio station is going to take it.

[1510] You're like, dude, no offense to the other club.

[1511] I'm sorry.

[1512] It's not, I'm not against you.

[1513] Yeah, come on.

[1514] A dude, you know, recognize.

[1515] But when I see a dude who gets like snippy and snappy like that, I get sad.

[1516] Because I know that that's just a person whose chemical system is just completely out of fucking whack.

[1517] Jacked.

[1518] Yeah, he's just unhealthy.

[1519] How the fuck could be...

[1520] There's no way that guy's healthy.

[1521] That guy's a mess.

[1522] Yeah.

[1523] He's, you know, his whole system, ah, he was always tired.

[1524] And, you know, when you see people and you know their shit's not flowing well, you just really, like, you don't you see that now, like, when you're eating healthy?

[1525] You feel how much different your body feels.

[1526] And, of course, it would react the opposite way when you eat the opposite.

[1527] Yeah.

[1528] Coming on the road with you, probably that, the comedy store and maybe my upbringing were probably the biggest influences on my stand -up.

[1529] those three things because seeing those big crowds and then being able to temper it with fucking shitty eight person rooms at the store well something happened along the way within the last few years where people started recognizing you and they knew to expect you whereas I used to bring you up and the real meatheads would be like we're broken bring broken up the real dushy dudes that I really got rid of almost all of them now but then a couple couple times you found it just here a little a little by little a couple people's like are you going up tonight yeah yeah i was like oh really you know me ahead of time yeah and i would see it on the forums and shit i hope are he comes with them and then somewhere along the line it'd be ladies and gentlemen please welcome are shafir yeah they're all excited for it weird lately man yeah the with the ds ones that i've been recording oh my gosh it's like everywhere they're trying to top themselves yeah because now it's become like some sort of a crazy competition because in denver they went fucking berserk they went berserk winnipeg in 2010 was a first time I saw that on a large scale level because I don't think you've ever played Winnipeg I've never been back it was my favorite show of 2010 it was crazy fun man and um that was the only place I could do like that back then it was a two or three level place and they went so crazy while I was on but I could when I right when I walked on they like as you were saying introduction notes they were like they start clapping yeah because they know who it is I say credits yeah I was for whatever reason man my comedy took off in Canada before it ever did in America.

[1530] I would do way better in theaters in Canada.

[1531] Remember we would do like Calgary?

[1532] We'd have to do two shows.

[1533] Well, I did two shows recently.

[1534] I did two shows at that fucking Jack Singer concert hall.

[1535] And we did a show where they sold out like an extra, I don't know how many seats, but they had to bring them on stage.

[1536] So we had people on the stage with us.

[1537] On the stage with us.

[1538] But it was like, they gave us the option of that or those people get refunded and they have to go home.

[1539] I was like, we can't let them go out.

[1540] I'm like this is going to be a cool story because these people had like babysitters and shit.

[1541] I mean, who knows what kind of...

[1542] They thought they could take the rafters out and they'd sit behind us, but then they couldn't do that.

[1543] They couldn't do that.

[1544] It was at least 80 people.

[1545] It was a lot of people.

[1546] The stage is humongous.

[1547] We didn't need it all.

[1548] Yeah, it was fine.

[1549] If we don't need it all, then we're like, give some to them.

[1550] And it became fodder, you know, it became kind of funny than, you know, you're standing next to someone who's in a chair who's just watching you're trying to act out of hump out, you're like to act out of this.

[1551] You're like, so sorry about this, ma 'am.

[1552] You've got to do this here.

[1553] You're looking at their drink going, that's delicious.

[1554] What is that?

[1555] That looks awesome.

[1556] Was that salted?

[1557] Oh, nice.

[1558] I did Doug Bends's interruption yesterday.

[1559] Did you like that?

[1560] No, not the interruption.

[1561] Doug loves movies.

[1562] And some guy in the front row was bringing out those purple, the grape twizzlers, and I was like, oh, he gave me the sign of like, do you want one?

[1563] I'm like nodded, and he threw one up to me. It was awesome.

[1564] That's awesome.

[1565] Yeah, it was delicious.

[1566] It's one grape twizzler.

[1567] You can interact with people.

[1568] A solid piece of candy.

[1569] Yeah.

[1570] It's a good, good invention.

[1571] It doesn't taste anything like grape.

[1572] We were talking about this the other day.

[1573] Oh, no. It tastes like purple.

[1574] We did that podcast.

[1575] That, like, we have a, we've accepted a fake grape taste for grape soda, grape gum.

[1576] Does there anything like a real grape?

[1577] But when you eat it, you go, oh, that's grape.

[1578] You know, like, you accept it as being a fake grape.

[1579] You know, like, cherry soda.

[1580] Cherry soda, unless you're getting some, like, legit deli cherry soda.

[1581] That's what that is.

[1582] It's like candy cherry.

[1583] Yeah.

[1584] Cherry soda's pretty fucking good, though, isn't it?

[1585] Cherry Coke?

[1586] It's pretty rare.

[1587] You know, if you're really looking to wreck your fucking immune system and you're eating like a bastrami sandwich with, you know, a fucking Thousand Island dressing slopping off the sides of it and you have a cherry Coke.

[1588] Oh, yeah.

[1589] Give me craziness.

[1590] I want more sugar.

[1591] I love it too.

[1592] And they're like, well, we don't have the grenadine.

[1593] Can we pour the juice in?

[1594] I was like, yeah, pour the juice in.

[1595] Oh, my God.

[1596] You go that deep?

[1597] Yeah.

[1598] One time at Denny's we were all eating there and I asked her for cherry, like put the cherry juice in.

[1599] She didn't know and she poured the thing out, but it was all the peanuts had like leaked over in their Sunday area.

[1600] And so there's pieces of peanuts floating at it.

[1601] And I was out of like, what is peanuts doing in here?

[1602] And then I realized what it was.

[1603] She just poured the whole Sunday area thing over to get the cherry juice out.

[1604] Wow.

[1605] Yeah, that's a little too much sugar for your system, son.

[1606] Not my system.

[1607] It's like...

[1608] Yeah.

[1609] It's so bad for you to drink that much sugar.

[1610] To eat that much sugar.

[1611] Yeah.

[1612] Like, I keep reading shit about sugar, how bad it is.

[1613] I got to try to wean off it.

[1614] Why does it taste so goddamn good, though?

[1615] Because when I haven't had it in a while, because I eat so much of it, when I haven't had it a while, I get low blood sugar because I'm used to it now.

[1616] You know what, dude?

[1617] You know what?

[1618] You can't fuck with.

[1619] Hagandah's chocolate ice cream.

[1620] Holy shit, it's good.

[1621] If you invest in a quality ice cream bar or chocolate bar sometimes, when you're like, let me just get Nestle's.

[1622] That's okay, but let me go above and beyond.

[1623] I'm going to Hogandah's.

[1624] Oh, this is done better.

[1625] Dude, the Hagenas bar.

[1626] No wonder it's a dollar extra.

[1627] Dark chocolate bar.

[1628] It's dark chocolate on the outside with chocolate on the inside.

[1629] You ever go to a real Hockendaz place where they dip in the chocolate and let it melt right on there for you?

[1630] Fuck yes, son.

[1631] Those are awesome.

[1632] Yeah, and you don't know, by the way.

[1633] None of you know what ice cream tastes like.

[1634] unless you smoke pot.

[1635] You think, you think, you think, you know what a Sunday taste like.

[1636] Bitch, you're living in a dream.

[1637] You are, you're sucking a dick through a roll of toilet paper.

[1638] You're not feeling it.

[1639] You're not feeling it.

[1640] You're not getting the full experience.

[1641] There's no better part of my depression than when I had, where I was taking some medication to let me have hyperphasia where I would never feel full.

[1642] Really?

[1643] And I would get stoned and not feel full.

[1644] and just for an hour just eat syrup and whipped cream just more and more Did you hit the wall?

[1645] It was so good I know I had to tell myself You're done But what did you feel like Did you feel like exhausted From all the sugar?

[1646] No You would just get a little more way down Dude I would eat for three I would eat till there's nothing left to eat Oh my God It was so good When you get high You can finish off anything Wow dude That seems like dangerous Oh yeah To get so you can't get full Can't your stomach explode?

[1647] Can you, like, eat too much?

[1648] They warn you.

[1649] I have to be like, okay, eight plates of spaghetti.

[1650] Probably that's enough, right?

[1651] Can it break?

[1652] I mean, your stomach can break, right?

[1653] I don't know.

[1654] Do those eater guys?

[1655] Those professional eaters?

[1656] You probably barf.

[1657] You throw up.

[1658] I guess.

[1659] It's like drinking a gallon of milk.

[1660] You can't do it because your body would make you throw it up.

[1661] Is that true?

[1662] That's this rumor.

[1663] Really?

[1664] Well, I guess there's not enough room.

[1665] Yeah, and you would want to drink, but then it would like to barf.

[1666] Imagine if you could drink a gallon of milk, what your fucking stomach would look like.

[1667] It's really crazy.

[1668] I bet Joey Diaz could drink a gallon of milk.

[1669] We had, and me and David Taylor's talking.

[1670] show we had Mark Hatchel was going to come in and try to see if he's a big guy I'd be willing to let him try he's not going to do it you don't think he could do it he doesn't want to be the human like no he wouldn't do it he wouldn't do it yeah but if he wanted to do it he could do it I think he couldn't you don't think you do it no so it's a physiological thing no one can do it's like you can't eat a piece of white bread or two pieces of white bread every minute what about like a tim sylvia like a giant dude I say no you don't think he could do it mm -mm I even say big Ben rothwell yeah really yeah couldn't drink a guy no Nelson who's the guy with the Roy Nelson?

[1671] You don't think he can drink down milk?

[1672] I bet next time we see Roy Nelson, let's try to ask him.

[1673] Well, he'd be fighting, I guess.

[1674] So he can't do it when he's fighting.

[1675] Yeah, you can't ask him in the middle of that?

[1676] Or later.

[1677] You can't say, hey, this is a good fight.

[1678] Hey, can you drink the town?

[1679] Just totally blow off the fact that you have an hour.

[1680] You have an hour to the death against Shane Carwin.

[1681] Now that you're not training anymore, can we interest you in filming you drinking?

[1682] If Nelson is out there, please film that.

[1683] Hey, good fight.

[1684] Listen, man, I have a podcast.

[1685] And we're regularly number 40 on iTunes.

[1686] and I'd be willing to actually put this on line if you would drink a gallon of milk.

[1687] Do you think you'd drink a gallon of milk?

[1688] I say you can't do it.

[1689] Film the whole thing and watch him start barfing.

[1690] Wow.

[1691] Well, I don't know, man. You and I should be the ones to talk about that, actually, because we were there for the Opie and Anthony Big Bird challenge.

[1692] How much do you think that guy drank?

[1693] Because he was like the 70 shots.

[1694] A double shot.

[1695] Just one double shot every minute.

[1696] What's a double shot?

[1697] I don't know.

[1698] What is a double shot?

[1699] How many ounces is that?

[1700] I don't know.

[1701] We'd have to find out the exact amounts.

[1702] He drank 70 -something shots of eggnog.

[1703] He got over, yeah.

[1704] I think that's a gallon, dude.

[1705] Maybe.

[1706] Why do you think that?

[1707] Just because?

[1708] I don't know.

[1709] I'm totally making it out.

[1710] It's not like 60 times two.

[1711] I'm completely making it out.

[1712] I don't know.

[1713] I don't know.

[1714] I have a fucking clue.

[1715] I would just think that if I bought a gallon of eggnog and I poured 70 people drinks from it, I would be shocked.

[1716] You'd be out of it.

[1717] I would be shocked at the economy of this gallon.

[1718] Yeah, you're right.

[1719] Yeah, he did it.

[1720] He did it.

[1721] He drank more than a gallon.

[1722] What was that?

[1723] Pat from Munaki.

[1724] Pat from Unaki.

[1725] Because if you watched the video of Pat from Unaki, hurling, and I'm not going to play anything for you.

[1726] Oh, my God.

[1727] But you were there live with me. I was there live.

[1728] We were there in the studio.

[1729] So was Byr?

[1730] So was Norton.

[1731] So was Opian Anthony.

[1732] Was Red Band there too?

[1733] Redmond was not there.

[1734] He was not there.

[1735] Holy shit, was it crazy.

[1736] Oh, my.

[1737] And the smell.

[1738] And E. Rock was there.

[1739] They had a kid named Pat Duffy.

[1740] This is what happened, folks.

[1741] They had a, they had this nutty eggnog drinking contest.

[1742] And Pat Fumunaki, who's a giant of a man. He's an enormous...

[1743] Kempoda Kennedy was there.

[1744] Another giant of a man. A huge enormous guy, this Pat Fulunaki, and he's the current champ.

[1745] So he is keeping his fucking crown, okay?

[1746] By the way, he's diabetic.

[1747] So he has to immediately...

[1748] Oh, he's so crazy.

[1749] Oh, by the way.

[1750] By the way, that's why Opie Anthony is the most awesomest radio show in the history of radio.

[1751] I mean, that's just, who the fuck else would do that?

[1752] Well, Stern would do that too.

[1753] So anyway, they have this fucking guy, Pat Funnaki, who's, you know, he can only keep it in his system for a certain amount of time.

[1754] He's got to throw it up.

[1755] He has to get rid of it.

[1756] He's got to get rid of it because he could die, like, literally, from sugar overload.

[1757] And he has to go shoot himself in the stomach afterwards, too.

[1758] Yeah, he has to give himself a shot of insulin.

[1759] So there's, I mean, a massive amount of shit going on here.

[1760] But he's still playing.

[1761] He didn't let that stop him.

[1762] Still winning.

[1763] He's still a warrior.

[1764] So he, he says, I'm going to, I'm going to blow soon.

[1765] I'm going to blow soon.

[1766] soon and then somehow another I get this crazy idea where I say how about somebody leans over the garbage can and opens their mouth and he throws up in your mouth directly into your mouth and I'm thinking there's no way anybody I'm saying something ridiculous I'm saying something like when like when red band's on the podcast and he says why don't just eat your own poop he doesn't really mean he's trying to say something completely ridiculous for funny okay that's what I was trying to do I was thinking just for a joke why don't I say I have a joke about something you say something's a joke but they take you completely seriously Well this Pat Duffy motherfucker said I'm game This guy would do anything This guy would silence the room He would catch a bullet with his dick This dude is an animal But him saying I game It was like a Who were like what And then someone said Someone's I don't remember If they said why it was happening Who named it the baby bird It might have been It might have been Vinnie Brand It might have been Vinnie Brand It was somebody else was there Some other person was there And Burr was there And Burr came in just because He watched it the year before and he said i want to be a part of that one this year those guys are so like no one will understand if you've ever done like a like a radio show that's been like rigid and stiff and the people aren't nuts you'll never understand o 'n a i bought a baby bird t -shirt i said fuck him on the only shirts i'll buy here's another thing that happened on o 'n a we convinced stalker patty who's this uh crazy lady who comes to the studio was like a 49 year old virgin she's really nuts too we convinced her that she was on drugs we took a You gonna take a leak?

[1767] We convinced her that she had taken a drug, that we had put a drug, and no, thanks, ma 'am, I'm good.

[1768] And completely psychosomatic started having massive hallucinations.

[1769] So, Ari pulls his ball sack out.

[1770] Your cock and balls, or just your balls?

[1771] Cock and balls.

[1772] Cock and balls.

[1773] Could be balls.

[1774] And she was sitting there, like, like, we had her completely convinced with, like, sound effects and shit that she was just tripping her balls off.

[1775] They had somebody put a rabbit suit on, run around the room once and then run out who was that i don't remember but it was that was either rolling or eroc that was one of those two guys it was good fun with a crazy person but what you did to take it to the next level so you pulled your cock and balls out which you probably could never do now because you did this before they got kicked off the air for that condoleza rice thing remember that oh yeah that would be too rape you for them now yeah that homeless guy said a lot of crazy shit like he wanted to rave condolisa rice and like you guys he didn't even say that.

[1776] What did he say?

[1777] He said he wants to love her hard.

[1778] He wants to love her till she loves it.

[1779] Oh, really?

[1780] Yeah.

[1781] Oh, well, that's just...

[1782] It was innuendo for rape, possibly.

[1783] I hear girls like that.

[1784] They like it, if they love it.

[1785] I hear it too when they say, I love when you do that.

[1786] They like that.

[1787] But that's not that's not rape.

[1788] Yeah.

[1789] Is that what he said?

[1790] For real?

[1791] Something like that.

[1792] Yeah, it was just taken out of context.

[1793] I thought he said slid up.

[1794] Way more fucked up than that.

[1795] I remember it being pretty racist.

[1796] And the queen, too.

[1797] He was going to hold her down and make her love him.

[1798] the queen, the queen of England That's a homeless guy Who cares what he says Yeah I just think That's pretty funny Why would they suspend the show For that that's so sad Yeah but you gave me a look I was sitting at the because there wasn't enough room I was sitting in the couch And you just gave me a look And it was like Oh am I welcome to do things here And those guys open Anthony Were so cool That I was like Because I knew I was only there hanging out with you But I was like I think they're okay if I play here Yeah yeah yeah And they totally were Oh yeah well they're all about There's never like a level You're not they never do that shit yeah that's a real good point like oh you're a comic you're a friend of his cool how are you yeah and well that's how some of their best guests come about and then they've they've made some of their best guest guest famous you know when I first started going to New York I couldn't get on their show man I was in Jersey yeah that wasn't known enough you know I was doing uh...

[1799] when they already had a show back then yeah they were doing the afternoons and I would do Rascals Rascals comedy in Jersey I forget where it was Orange West Orange I think was it yeah West Orange And really nice club But I but I you know It's hard to get people to come in back then Because I was a nobody I was like headlining But I was on like hardball You know what I mean Like nobody knew who the fuck I was So I would do a show And it would be half empty So but if you got on Opie and Anthony You packed that place Like they would always talk about Jay Moore Jay Moore did Opie and Anthony And it would just pack the fucking club Packed it She just wanted in Yeah I was like well if I could get there God But I couldn't get on I wasn't I didn't have enough clout So once I started doing it It was like ah It was so fun Yeah You know, they're nuts, man. They've done some nutty fucking stunts.

[1800] But this guy leaned over a trash camera, tilted his head back.

[1801] Like he was getting his hair shampooed at a barber.

[1802] Pat from Munaki, all 300 plus pounds of him, this enormous man who has drank, I believe it was 74 shots.

[1803] And I'm being conservative.

[1804] He beat the last guy, then drank a couple more while the other guy got ready.

[1805] He kept going.

[1806] He beat his own record.

[1807] And he was like, yeah, that's what he did.

[1808] He went to beat his record.

[1809] And then he goes, all right, it's time.

[1810] And then he's like, all right, that's about it.

[1811] That's all I got.

[1812] And so this guy actually did what I suggested, this Pat Duffy guy, did lean over the barrel.

[1813] Because that was a height of fear factor.

[1814] So it was like a perfect fear factor thing.

[1815] And Pat from Wunaki did what can only be described as a comic book throw up in this guy's mouth.

[1816] Like nowhere in the world has anyone thrown up on a person the way he did it.

[1817] There's no way it's been done.

[1818] There's a still picture and it looks like he is enveloping.

[1819] They got like a spider breaking down with its fluids.

[1820] I should also say that Pat from Woonaki also was a competitive eater.

[1821] Oh, was it really?

[1822] Yeah, yeah.

[1823] He didn't just win this eggnog challenge.

[1824] He's done...

[1825] One -stop in the career, the great career.

[1826] He's had a career in competitive eating where he's been fairly successful.

[1827] He's an extraordinary man when it comes to volume.

[1828] So he's got this...

[1829] Killing it.

[1830] Fucking...

[1831] This broken fire hydrant spew coming out of his mouth where we're going...

[1832] No!

[1833] We're screaming.

[1834] And I mean, and it lasts.

[1835] It lasts way more than should be real.

[1836] It seems like it's Photoshopped.

[1837] If we weren't there, and if it wasn't from a bunch of different angles and shitty cell phone footage, I think our version is one of us had a cell phone that was recording it, but it's so crazy.

[1838] It's so crazy.

[1839] The volume is so insane.

[1840] It doesn't, it's so cartoonish.

[1841] It's so comic bookish.

[1842] It's just, it's the Exorcist.

[1843] It's insane.

[1844] And then after we left and there's barf everywhere, we were out of the studio 10 minutes later.

[1845] We're like, hey, Ron and Fez, enjoy this smell.

[1846] Yeah, no shit.

[1847] He just left it to them.

[1848] Yeah, in these giant, like, big garbage pails filled with throw -up.

[1849] And there's plastic all over the floor.

[1850] Stunk.

[1851] The air conditioner come on, and the waft would hit you.

[1852] It was chaos.

[1853] It was pre -merger.

[1854] They had a lot more freedom back then, you know.

[1855] And that was the regular radio version, right?

[1856] Yes, yes, that was FM.

[1857] That was FN.

[1858] It was K. Rock in New York.

[1859] God, that was awesome.

[1860] There was so much fun.

[1861] And then the rest of the day, we were like in Bliss.

[1862] Like, we got to see something fucked up.

[1863] Yay, we saw something fucked up.

[1864] We were so...

[1865] It's the equivalent.

[1866] I'm realizing it's now when you talked about the Bliss room, because we were, we were happy.

[1867] Yeah.

[1868] It's the equivalent of when a girl blows you in the morning.

[1869] Whoa.

[1870] And the rest of the day, you just feel good.

[1871] That's pretty hot.

[1872] Yeah.

[1873] It is.

[1874] It's close to it.

[1875] Yeah, we had achieved this moment of like, especially, just like, yeah, us.

[1876] Yeah, comedians want to see fucked up things.

[1877] We want to see things that are ridiculous.

[1878] Right after that, we had the whole thing with Jamie, Jamie Massada from a laugh factory, which is, by the way, Dom just, I did his podcast over there.

[1879] And he goes, while Jamie's there, he goes, Jamie, how come you don't put Ari on?

[1880] He's got a follow, I put him on.

[1881] I'm like, Jamie, it's cool if you don't.

[1882] But, no, you know you don't.

[1883] Never here.

[1884] Wow.

[1885] But, like, yeah, but he's like, okay, I put you on.

[1886] Now he's, like, actively trying to get me in there.

[1887] That's beautiful.

[1888] Dom is completely in our side.

[1889] It's really nice of him to do that.

[1890] Dom's a good guy, man. And Dom quits drinking.

[1891] He quit drinking recently.

[1892] And he's experienced like this rejuvenation in the way he feels and about stand -up comedy.

[1893] Yeah.

[1894] And doing the podcast a few times, stand -up is, you know, a lot of people coming out to see him from the podcast, you know, that come up to him afterwards.

[1895] That's right.

[1896] Yeah, the quitting the drinking thing is fucking.

[1897] I have my podcast.

[1898] Giants, man. Oh, yeah, you have mine.

[1899] He's a great guy.

[1900] Yeah.

[1901] He's an interesting dude, too.

[1902] And Domit Rainer is like the most honest, don't give a fuck guy left on earth.

[1903] His famous line that I always quote is, I wish I was gay just so I could come out of the closet.

[1904] That's how little I give a fuck.

[1905] Anyway, if you go to my website, Ari the Great, four free tracks.

[1906] Go there and get four free tracks for nothing.

[1907] Are you coming with me afterwards here to go see my studio?

[1908] Oh, you're going to see it?

[1909] Let's go see that movie What movie?

[1910] The one you were talking about Oh the Jewish movie?

[1911] No, the Will Ferrell movie Oh yeah, I would go see that Okay, let me I might have to do some baby shit though I've got a little girls I might have I have to remember Whether or not I committed to doing anything Okay, okay Sometimes I say okay We'll go do that later And I don't remember And then my wife has to go You promise you would do that later Like they get mad You can't disappoint You hear that shit Oh that was that That came through Yeah they get a little shout Because it means a lot to them That's the thing I'd be so worried about with kids.

[1912] You make an offhanded statement and they take it forever.

[1913] It doesn't matter.

[1914] You just, you just, you know, make sure that you don't disappoint them.

[1915] It's more of a responsibility, but the reward of it is amazing.

[1916] It's hard to really wrap your head around because I've been like you before.

[1917] You know, I've been single and, you know, and to be like, the last thing I want to fucking care, believe me. I was like the voice of that before.

[1918] Here's my new thing I realize that.

[1919] You just really don't understand what it's like until you have that.

[1920] Okay, but here's, I get that.

[1921] I get that.

[1922] There is a whole different side of it.

[1923] And there are benefits that I can't understand.

[1924] Right.

[1925] And there's negatives that I can't understand either.

[1926] Sure.

[1927] I can just sort of wrap my head around.

[1928] But like, what was I going to say?

[1929] Fuck.

[1930] Oh, the decision to whether or not you should have a baby should be thought of that.

[1931] Should be thought of before randomly.

[1932] Some girl says, hey, I'm pregnant.

[1933] Oh, yeah.

[1934] You should already be decided, can we have a baby now or not?

[1935] Not like, wow, maybe we should do this.

[1936] That's not the right time to think about it.

[1937] Yeah, my, the two -year -old was the one that we did on purpose.

[1938] Yeah.

[1939] it was like planned out and everything and I was happy for the other daughter as well I mean super happy I remember when you told me about it as they were playing pool it was crazy but super happy but but planning for one is kind of a different thing like you're planning like yeah how was it different and it sounds so gay we're trying to get pregnant like no you know she's trying to get pregnant stupid yeah you're just fucking her right you know we're trying to get pregnant yeah we're pregnant no you're not you're not pregnant that's the trade off we had to pay you alimony for fucking 40 years but we got to say we're pregnant it's just some beta shit it's just a shit that men fall into once they get their wife pregnant and they become just your testosterone drops.

[1940] It's really scientifically proven.

[1941] Because you mimic their behavior sort of for you?

[1942] Well, you become a nester.

[1943] You know, your testosterone drops when you're around babies, you're around your wife.

[1944] And it's also to probably try to calm you down to make you a little bit more patient.

[1945] Nature knows what the fuck it's doing.

[1946] I had a rabbi once in 6th grade.

[1947] Rabbi, not cracker.

[1948] But anyway, he said the reason God makes babies cute is so we don't kill them.

[1949] I just do that in my act.

[1950] I said the reason...

[1951] Really?

[1952] Yeah.

[1953] oxytocin.

[1954] What's oxytocin?

[1955] It's something that your brain produces when you see your babies.

[1956] And it's an incredible feeling of love and connection, this incredible drug.

[1957] It's the same drug that women, uh, that's releasing women when they're orgasm.

[1958] And really, the joke in my accident.

[1959] And then it's to keep you from eating them when you get really hungry.

[1960] And that's the reason why a baby produces oxytocin.

[1961] Like when you see them, like you literally, it produces that in you, a drug.

[1962] Yeah, yeah.

[1963] You literally get drugged.

[1964] I mean, it's all set up.

[1965] It's set up so that we keep breeding.

[1966] It's not a, you know, it's not an accident that when you're around a chick, your dick gets hard, you get all attracted to her.

[1967] Like this girl that has superpowers that you're talking about.

[1968] You're talking about like a beautiful girl.

[1969] She just thinks, she's got a superpower.

[1970] She can walk into a room and everybody wants a fucker, and so she's confused, and she acts crazy, but no one cares.

[1971] They will tolerate anything because she's built like Tracy Lords.

[1972] I think there's something to, also, the chemicals on you or something.

[1973] This is this new girl that's hanging out at the store.

[1974] She's this comic.

[1975] And everybody, yeah, everyone walks by her And she's not super gorgeous And she doesn't dress slutty or anything She's just dirty She's just dirty.

[1976] She's a dirty girl And everybody walks by her And everybody's like, what's that girl's deal?

[1977] Like I've heard a thousand comics ask And it's just she's exuding something Some chemical Yeah, there's girls that are just sexy man There's girls that are not that good looking But they're fucking sex They give you a look Something, I don't know what it is And by the way, sex with them is always way better And sex with a girl who's really pretty But not into it You want someone to be into it?

[1978] Yeah, it's weird what is sex?

[1979] you're chubby.

[1980] Once the guy's willing to fuck you, let it all out.

[1981] Don't worry about like, oh, you shouldn't look at this.

[1982] That's what I'm talking about.

[1983] Let it go.

[1984] Let it go, baby.

[1985] We're happier there.

[1986] If he throws up, he throws up.

[1987] Exactly.

[1988] It ain't gonna.

[1989] Yeah, the people used to love those porn.

[1990] We're really fat guys.

[1991] Would fuck girls.

[1992] I remember there was a magazine called Sluts and Slobbs.

[1993] That's the people like looking at the hot girls that he fucked by slots.

[1994] Yeah, it was one of my favorite all -time magazines.

[1995] Because it was slops, man. You're a slob.

[1996] It was dudes with, like, spaghetti stains on tank tops and shit, with big fat summers.

[1997] They were dressed as slops, too.

[1998] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1999] Yeah, the whole fantasy was that these dudes were just slinging dick on these.

[2000] Like a bunch of Mike blacks with ketchup.

[2001] Oh, Reimorse and Mike Black.

[2002] Mike Blacks are fairly handsome, man. We're talking about, like, really fucking sweaty guys.

[2003] Oh, man. Yeah, dude, we've had some good times on the road.

[2004] Some crazy shit.

[2005] Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

[2006] Well, the camaraderie that comes from being a stander.

[2007] comedian.

[2008] It's like, it's hard for a lot.

[2009] Like, we talk about comedy all the time.

[2010] We talk about the art form of comedy.

[2011] And a lot of times people like, well, I could guys talk about comedy too much.

[2012] Because you gotta understand that for us.

[2013] It's like it sounds so stupid, but it's almost like a sacred topic.

[2014] Yeah, but also there's things you can get from it too if you're listening.

[2015] Like, the way Greg Jackson talks about it, he always asks me questions about stand -up.

[2016] Yeah.

[2017] He's always like, so what do you do when you're not doing well?

[2018] What do you do when you are doing well?

[2019] He's into mental games.

[2020] Yeah, but he's like, he sees the similarities between what he's trying to train and what we're doing in all the arts.

[2021] Well, there's a similarity in truth.

[2022] And if you don't hit the right notes in comedy, it's clunky and awkward.

[2023] And we've all...

[2024] Yeah, we all know that, like, there's a bit that you've done, everybody's got a bit, that if you heard it today, you would cringe.

[2025] Because, you know, it's clunky.

[2026] You got into it bad?

[2027] Right.

[2028] Well, that used to be, like, like, approach that I would use with, you know, martial arts techniques.

[2029] Like, I had some bad approaches that I had, like, when I was a blue belt or a green belt that I would use in a tournament.

[2030] That I would never use as a black box.

[2031] They're terrible approaches.

[2032] They might work, but they're full of mistakes.

[2033] They're open.

[2034] You just attack.

[2035] You go wide open.

[2036] You can't do that.

[2037] You have to have faints and you have to have movement.

[2038] You have to learn what will throw a guy off and what doesn't throw a guy off.

[2039] And there's moments when you look back on the beginning jokes and it's like, just clunky, dog shit material.

[2040] Anyone that listening can relate to that in something they've done where they were bad at something.

[2041] Because if you're not, you're a bitch.

[2042] If you've lived your life and never got good at something.

[2043] Something.

[2044] What the fuck are you?

[2045] Yeah.

[2046] What have you done?

[2047] You're crazy.

[2048] You've missed out on what's...

[2049] Look, it's hard to do shit.

[2050] It's difficult and it's scary.

[2051] But that's what friends are for.

[2052] Friends cushion all that shit.

[2053] If you've got...

[2054] You know, one of the things that Rainey Couture said is really kind of a cool thing that he said about fighting.

[2055] He said that if you love your friends and love your family, they're going to love you if you win or lose.

[2056] You don't have to worry about that.

[2057] But that is something that people think about.

[2058] Like you base your worth and your value on winning and it becomes too much of a big deal to you.

[2059] It becomes like...

[2060] everything becomes your whole life i heard this about kids recently that you shouldn't say good job when they get a good grade or something because that is unintentionally instilling in them that they are only successful in your eyes or good in their eyes when they're winning so when they don't do you want to create a team full of pussies or what what the fuck are you saying jeffere i'm here in the baby books i think those baby books are written by cunts it's possible who knows crazy fuckheads who don't know shit about raising i'm just talking about raising i'm just talking shit.

[2061] That's crazy.

[2062] I think people like to be reinforced.

[2063] I think positive reinforcement for jobs well -dye support.

[2064] What they said what you're supposed to do is job well tried.

[2065] If they're trying hard, that's what you're supposed to reward.

[2066] Consist.

[2067] That sounds like some socialist bullshit.

[2068] Put into target by liberals designed to slow down the marathon.

[2069] Somebody doesn't want to see a sub three -hour hour hour marathon.

[2070] Whatever, mile.

[2071] What's the, what's the, I was trying to do.

[2072] A four -minute mile and a three -hour marathon.

[2073] I think they all run That Paul Ryan character No, they don't all run...

[2074] No, like the champions, I mean.

[2075] Yeah, the champion.

[2076] Two, 20, 230.

[2077] That's why that Paul Ryan dude tried to sneak in that he ran a sub three hour marathon and they called him on it.

[2078] He didn't?

[2079] Oh, no. It was like 358.

[2080] It was more than four hours.

[2081] It was documented.

[2082] Why do the people lie?

[2083] All of them are so...

[2084] Are you going to vote this year?

[2085] No. You're not going to.

[2086] I'm not thinking I'm not voting.

[2087] You've said in the past, you think it's all ridiculous.

[2088] This is the year that really.

[2089] If you really believe that, then there's no reason to waste your day.

[2090] No, I just...

[2091] Spin another day.

[2092] your kids.

[2093] I think with the electoral college system that's in place, and anybody that's telling me that Obama is better than Mitt Romney than Mitt Romney is the goddamn Holocaust.

[2094] If that's what you're telling me, if you tell me that Obama is, that Mitt Romney is going to be worse than Obama, when you think about all the shit that's happened in this country to civil liberties over the last couple years, whether people aware of it or not, it's almost like this country is tightening up and getting ready for civil war.

[2095] Like, they're getting scared that there's going to be civil unrest.

[2096] So they're putting all these things in the place where they can spy on you, and all these things in place that are fucking completely un -American and completely unconstitutional.

[2097] And then, they went and re -read the Constitution, rewrote rather the Constitution.

[2098] They took out things that, like posse comatitis, I believe it is, the ability to use the military to stop civil unrest.

[2099] Oh, really?

[2100] American military.

[2101] Yes.

[2102] American military can now be used to stop civil unrest.

[2103] They can now arrest you for shit and they don't have to bring it to trial and they can hold you as long as they want, you have no recourse.

[2104] This is all for American citizens.

[2105] That's the stuff we set up to.

[2106] that, so, because someone's going to abuse that power.

[2107] Exactly.

[2108] No matter who it is.

[2109] And they say they will never use it.

[2110] And Obama's like, we'll never use this.

[2111] It doesn't matter.

[2112] How about someone that's being born right now who grows up in 40 years to become the president?

[2113] You were saying he'll never use it?

[2114] There's a reason why we had all this shit set up a long time ago to make sure that you didn't involve church and state.

[2115] I think we got to rewrite the Constitution.

[2116] Of course we do.

[2117] We got to rewrite a brand new one.

[2118] Of course we do.

[2119] Because that stuff that happened 200 years ago has nothing to do with us.

[2120] It can't have a constitution that was written before the Internet.

[2121] That's not.

[2122] the ability Before electricity?

[2123] Well, you know, look, they had, they knew the concepts of classic societies.

[2124] They knew, they knew the concepts of what was, what was going to cause people to fall apart, what's going to cause people to give in to their id, what's going to cause people to be corrupt and to go wrong.

[2125] And so they prevented all that shit.

[2126] They prevented freedom of speech.

[2127] You got to be able to say whatever the fuck you want to say.

[2128] You can't stop people from talking.

[2129] You got to let people express themselves.

[2130] You get to allow people to protest.

[2131] You have to allow people to organize.

[2132] You've got to let them be armed.

[2133] There's all these things they send in place because they knew.

[2134] Because they know if you get all the arms, we have none, you're going to abuse that.

[2135] And that's something that liberal people don't want to accept.

[2136] The problem in this world is the gun problem.

[2137] No, the problem is world is just crazy people.

[2138] Yeah, that's the thing.

[2139] You have to allow for that.

[2140] There will be people, you might not, but some people will, and so then you have to defend yourself.

[2141] Well, we have to, if that's another sickness.

[2142] You're not going to have a lock in your door?

[2143] It's a sickness.

[2144] It's a society that we have to address.

[2145] Why are we creating sick people?

[2146] Why are we creating crazy people?

[2147] Why are we creating violent people?

[2148] And that can be resolved with time and education and some form of action, some form of social engineering.

[2149] I believe that you're going to be able to at least cut significantly down on the amount of cunts and douchebags that are developed by civilization.

[2150] I think if we went from being barbarians to people that live in...

[2151] We live way more civilized now.

[2152] Way more civilized now.

[2153] I mean, it's not close.

[2154] Right.

[2155] It's not even close.

[2156] So if you just extrapolate 100 years into the future, you would assume that things would continue to get easier and easier and easier.

[2157] I've got to think that eventually we can But, you know, we're never going to be able to engineer out.

[2158] Greed.

[2159] We're never going to be able to engineer out if someone has complete and total control over an entire city.

[2160] They will do something terrible.

[2161] That's human nature.

[2162] I just say that, well, I would never do that?

[2163] It's like, hold on.

[2164] Why would you say you would never do that?

[2165] When so many people have done it, you should say I'm glad I don't have that power because I probably would abuse it.

[2166] Right, because if you look at what we've done as a human race, just in military means or by military means, over the last decade.

[2167] How much different is it really than what happened during the days of the barbarian hordes?

[2168] You know, the numbers are probably more significant.

[2169] Like, it seems more civilized on the surface, but they're more effective at killing people.

[2170] They can kill massive numbers of people, like a bunch of people just died the other day, I think it was in Yemen, where they shot a bunch of civilians with one of those fucking drones, and they just killed 14 people, 14 civilians.

[2171] They mean women and children, they're getting jacked constantly by these things.

[2172] The whole there's thousands of people been killed by these drones.

[2173] Wow.

[2174] That's a that's so they want to outlaw that because that just allows for error too easily and no one has to like feel it.

[2175] Well, they want to outlaw this?

[2176] No one's, there's no significant voice to outlaw these things right now.

[2177] Really?

[2178] I've heard people say those those, that's one of the things I've heard about.

[2179] But yeah, not in this country man. You don't hear Mitt Romney saying it.

[2180] We're going to stop the drones.

[2181] We're going to stop those drone attacks.

[2182] No, no, no, picketer people.

[2183] Those people don't have a say.

[2184] We don't have any say.

[2185] Silly -Cicitor people.

[2186] They're going to arrest those people.

[2187] said, do you think President Bush, this is how long it was, he goes, do you think President Bush cares about us protesting the war?

[2188] He goes, I think he thinks about the protesters the way we feel about the WNBA.

[2189] Like, sure, it's annoying, but let them feel like they're making a difference.

[2190] Oh my God, I...

[2191] Well, speaker, I've already retired from comedy.

[2192] Why did he retire?

[2193] He wasn't making him happy after a while.

[2194] He just wasn't making money at it, and he was like, I got to do something.

[2195] He's wouldn't want to struggle for fucking one 45 spots at the store.

[2196] A lot of guys get close.

[2197] That grind is hard man yeah the fucking the grind when you're especially a grind in uh la yeah when you're like one of those up and coming comics you don't even have like road gigs you can pick up for 50 bucks here and there just want time yeah yeah you want to perform for free for someone yeah i view it as you know how when they're running and there's an explosion behind you or a tidal wave coming at you yeah or like the bridge is falling behind you yeah and people behind you are falling in yeah but you managed to make it off before it completely collapses yeah that's how i view a stand -up comedy where there's some funny people that just didn't get a living enough to get them going and they fell off the bridge.

[2198] Yeah, I mean, it's like anything else.

[2199] We all sucked it at the beginning.

[2200] The reason why you can equate stand -up comedy to martial arts is because it's two things that you have to look at really realistically in order to get better at them.

[2201] You've got to figure out how to fucking make your way through the maze.

[2202] And if you get somebody pregnant early, it's going to be a lot harder.

[2203] Fuck, yeah, it is.

[2204] You know?

[2205] You might have quit.

[2206] I almost definitely would have quit.

[2207] If I got somebody pregnant at 26 a year in...

[2208] Well, you think you would take some time off for sure.

[2209] Who comes back after time off?

[2210] Who knows?

[2211] Dana Gould did Really?

[2212] Yeah Dana Gould took a long time off He was writing for the Simpsons Yeah but did he He was raising kids too I don't know I might have made that up Imagine if he's gay I'm just making sure Yeah he was right for him He's got a dog I think he's raised a family He did my storyteller show once He was really cool He was one of those guys That was around in Boston He was ahead of me He was like a couple of years ahead of me I don't think he's coming back I'm already a professional No He comes back like a lot of Like Mary Lynn comes back But once they give it up You're never back They're not the same to you.

[2213] No, it's just like your heart's not in it.

[2214] Your performance isn't good.

[2215] Can't do it once in a month.

[2216] The people like us that are like real hardcore stand -up fanatics, like we despise people to quit.

[2217] Like you quit and pussy.

[2218] We try to be like, oh no, that's cool.

[2219] I'm glad you're happy.

[2220] You're happy now?

[2221] You know we're looking at you like.

[2222] You're giving up the greatest drug in the world.

[2223] It's just you can't take the ride.

[2224] The ride is just too bumping.

[2225] Not even you pussy, but just like, oh, you're not one of us anymore to a degree.

[2226] How could you not be one of us?

[2227] So long.

[2228] Yeah, I got to be careful One of my wrong guys like stand -up Or Stanhope, rather Because I want to start doing mushrooms in front of them You want to start doing mushrooms like that You'll just do mushrooms and drive home And drive home, yeah, that's a problem That's a problem You're like, I haven't had that training he has Yeah, one of our friends which will go Let's say his name rhymes with Smetty Huavo Yeah Was on a crazy mushroom dose And he was driving home And the road in front of him Turned into flower petals oh my god it's like as he was driving it's just flowers were flying off of his wheels and flowers were in front of him yeah could you imagine i said it once it wasn't that bad but just once where it was driving i thought it was done because i was doing it in someone's apartment um and i was there i'm good i'm gonna go home spend five hours and then i'm driving i's looking at a sign but it's like that's like that picture behind you it has a lot of colors and it just started swimming when i was at the light like everything started and i was like oh fuck do no no do do do do i feel like Mushrooms is too dangerous to drive on.

[2229] Oh, fucking.

[2230] We don't do it, but mushrooms are like...

[2231] Yeah, mushrooms are real...

[2232] It dissipates reality.

[2233] It gets reality to a place where you're like, I don't know if you can manage this.

[2234] You might be experiencing something that's absolutely not there at all.

[2235] Yeah.

[2236] Yeah, you could just drive over a fucking cliff.

[2237] Think you're on a water ride.

[2238] You know, and just drive over the side.

[2239] You never quite lose reality, but you sort of get close.

[2240] Like, you don't lose where you are 100%.

[2241] I'm going to Cap City.

[2242] by the way.

[2243] When are you working there?

[2244] Two weeks, the 14th, I think.

[2245] September 14th, let me see.

[2246] Nice.

[2247] September 14th.

[2248] That place is the shit.

[2249] What days are you there?

[2250] 12th through the 15th.

[2251] Oh, Wednesday, Thursday.

[2252] Hey, son.

[2253] Four days, yeah.

[2254] Dude, four days?

[2255] Yeah.

[2256] The 12th through the 15th?

[2257] Holy shit.

[2258] Dude, you're a legit comic now.

[2259] You are.

[2260] You're a legit headline.

[2261] I feel like I'm in places now.

[2262] You're a legit headline.

[2263] You're a headline in the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas.

[2264] That's legit as it gets, man. As a stander.

[2265] up comedian that and the comedy works in denver yeah you want to talk about like the independent clubs that are like super legit cap city it's super legit you there you're a real you're a real comic there's five rooms that i'll that i have put on my like my favorite five rooms for like a long time yeah um the oar the comedy store cap city yeah Denver comedy works dc improv just because where's my first road room well as far as the vibe and that's pot room in thuron austin might have the best vibe in the history of the universe yeah it's so cool that's where we filmed that um What, what do we call it?

[2266] My butthole video.

[2267] Oh, yeah, when you had a problem.

[2268] What we called it?

[2269] The Jew Klan, the Jew Klan video.

[2270] Your booty hole is problem.

[2271] In the green room.

[2272] Yeah, this is just an awesome.

[2273] They're cool.

[2274] They're one of the cities that gets it.

[2275] They're smart enough to get it, but cool enough to be laid back about it.

[2276] Somebody fucked up in that club and painted over all the writing in the green room.

[2277] Some asshole decided there was too much writing on the wall.

[2278] You had like 30 years of history.

[2279] Who did that?

[2280] It was fun to look at.

[2281] It was awesome.

[2282] Some dummy.

[2283] There was people that were dead that wrote on that wall.

[2284] A lot of them, including Headberg.

[2285] Oh, who paid it over it?

[2286] Some silly bitch.

[2287] How dare you, you fuckheads?

[2288] That was historic.

[2289] It's not as historic as the Atlanta punchline.

[2290] Because the Atlanta Punchline has that one thing that says quit trying to be Hicks.

[2291] You know if you write something on the wall, someone's going to write something shitty after it.

[2292] So many do try to be Hicks.

[2293] Hicks as far as influencing comedians, Hicks influence comedians the wrong way more than anybody.

[2294] Yeah, it hits me. Coffman was pretty bad.

[2295] Yeah, but they didn't, like, go on stage and, like, self -righteously preach to the crowd.

[2296] They didn't do that.

[2297] They didn't think they were better than you because they were trying something experimental.

[2298] Yeah, well, not only that.

[2299] Like, there was some shit they just wrote in Popular Science Magazine five minutes again, and they're yelling at the crowd that they don't know it.

[2300] Because you're at home watching fucking Roseanne, you know, sitting in the couch.

[2301] And then they always do that.

[2302] They always say this.

[2303] Not a lot of times.

[2304] They would be like, oh, too edgy for you.

[2305] And like, no, idiot.

[2306] no one laughed because it wasn't funny just sucks stupid too edgy for you how come you fucking dummy drop it NBob on stage eight times in a row on purpose just for the sake of it just get fucked yeah that's just as fake as like fake clean comedy yeah exactly they have no thoughts of that yeah it's just it's in part of it is you know sometimes people don't look at themselves that objectively so they don't know what they're putting out there is so stupidly offensively dumb they don't know They don't even know.

[2307] They're just clunk in it.

[2308] Clonk.

[2309] Conk.

[2310] It's hard when you watch someone go on stage.

[2311] I worked in Vegas with this guy once.

[2312] He was supposed to do like 20 minutes.

[2313] He did 45.

[2314] 45 minutes and it was some of the worst fucking comedy I have ever seen in my life.

[2315] It was so bad that by the time I got on stage, I was like, there's nothing funny.

[2316] Nothing is funny.

[2317] You couldn't even believe in funny.

[2318] Yeah.

[2319] It's like when we hang out together, like we do get.

[2320] at the ice house especially like if we're I'm in a bored mood yeah but but when we're doing that we're in a good mood yeah we're shooting the shit and then we go on stage and you're like so many things are funny yeah there's some of the best shows ever there's funniness everywhere yeah but if you're working with someone who sucks it it's like if you're at a job with someone who's a douchebag it's the difference between being in a job and someone who's fun like if you had to work with Joey Diaz all day you'd be laughing I mean once a month he'd yell at you but you gotta deal with that mostly great he'll yell at me over like fucking nonsense the one day that he came in it was fucking screaming about ranch dressing fucking ranch dressing somebody gave him ranch well he was just taught he made a t -shirt about it he sold like a thousand fucking t -shirts it's uh it's blue cheese with wings or go fuck your mother was his famous line he just gets so mad about blue cheese yeah blue cheese please that kind of guy you know like that's the kind of you know like to be able to hang out with people like that like there's a lot of people that would never understand a guy like that but for a guy like us like a stand of another stand of comic is like it's like a buoy in the ocean like it's like you you you're gravitated towards him to save you i mentioned him on o and a i mentioned dyes because i was like diaz told me this thing once right they're like oh yeah junk dias how's it we haven't seen him forever they're like he's so good at telling stories and i'm like yeah he sure fucking is he sure is he's an unusual human so important to to find those fucking people yeah it's so hard it's uh it's one thing that i've developed a skill for i know how to wrangle people together i know to wrangle a bunch of cool people together.

[2321] It's hard.

[2322] It's hard to find like cool, interesting people.

[2323] It's hard to like accumulate it.

[2324] I've got you got to cut all the cunts out.

[2325] You got to cut them all out.

[2326] It's like pruning a tree.

[2327] It's hard.

[2328] The problem is it's hard when the cunts are like somehow related to the cool people.

[2329] Oh yeah, that's probably.

[2330] And you're like, oh, that's your best friend, a brother or a best friend.

[2331] And you're like oh, so he comes with you, but I don't want him.

[2332] I just want you.

[2333] And he's like snipey.

[2334] He says like, snipey shit.

[2335] Girlfriend's shitty parents, something like that.

[2336] Yeah.

[2337] And he's like, I don't want to hang him at him at all.

[2338] you don't have to do the actual words just there's a balance to this world man people don't realize it those cunty people they're directly their cunciness is directly proportionate to how happy they I just walk away from them now I treat them as like wild animals like if there was a dark a barking dog I would cross the street before going in front of that yard I'm not going to get through to you dismiss them oh what the fuck is this do you have any interest I bought a ticket for you of Louis C .K. doing new stuff tonight at the Comedy Store main room.

[2339] Ooh, I might be into doing that.

[2340] I got to see.

[2341] I've got to see.

[2342] We'll get off the podcast.

[2343] Okay.

[2344] It's at midnight.

[2345] At midnight.

[2346] Oh, wow.

[2347] That's pretty late.

[2348] Why is he doing a show at midnight?

[2349] Is he doing an early show too?

[2350] Nope.

[2351] Just a late show.

[2352] Doors open at 11?

[2353] Huh.

[2354] I think there was already a show in there and he goes, I don't want to sell it out late.

[2355] So fuck it.

[2356] It's also new jokes.

[2357] It's so cool that he's doing that, man. And he said, you can only buy tickets.

[2358] only buy tickets live and with cash so that nobody counterfeits anything so the door guys have to stay there and sell tickets like in the cover book so that nobody counterfeits anything he's how to deal with not counterfeiting scalping oh yeah he's had to deal with that a lot I guess so he's trying to overcome that with the tickets so you have to actually wait in line to buy the tickets no just walk up to the booth get them oh but that means you're going to be a line it was annoying it was they put it online and there was no more than a three person line they were just whipping people through.

[2359] Really?

[2360] Yeah.

[2361] And there's an ATM right on the corner, right next to the main room, there's an ATM there.

[2362] See, why are they just paying gold?

[2363] I know.

[2364] It's so weird.

[2365] It's like cash.

[2366] I was like, do I have the cash on me?

[2367] I guess I do.

[2368] That sounds like he's going to get robbed.

[2369] Yeah.

[2370] What if someone's gangster in that neighborhood?

[2371] They know there's a lot of cash now, son.

[2372] You gave up the goods.

[2373] Notice that gangster has become a black guy where it used to be like a...

[2374] Italian.

[2375] Yeah.

[2376] Gangster.

[2377] Yeah.

[2378] They took it.

[2379] They did.

[2380] Another thing they've stolen besides our wallets.

[2381] Whoa, Ari.

[2382] That was like...

[2383] Sounded too harsh.

[2384] That was you were acting.

[2385] Yeah.

[2386] That's like...

[2387] It's insulting me. I did this guy once.

[2388] When I didn't know the line, we're talking about rookie mistakes and stuff.

[2389] Right.

[2390] I didn't know the line of how you can like be mean, but say it in the smile.

[2391] I learned a lot from watching Don Barris when he'd call these grandmothers like filthy horrors, but he'd do it with such a smile.

[2392] I don't know how we quite...

[2393] He exudes us like, I'm clearly joking.

[2394] Yeah.

[2395] And these old ladies would love it.

[2396] They'd be howling in front of their grandaw.

[2397] It was just great.

[2398] I could always see him do it.

[2399] Baris knows that.

[2400] do it yeah well he's an experienced performer and i would do it sometimes with black people i'm like what's that black people but say in a friendly enough way they was all cool i remember this one door guy one time saw this black lady in the front row and goes what's up you black bitch oh my god it's like well it queried the room for the entire night for the next five hours everybody was having weird sets wow yeah that can happen man well people can be like a little off yeah because there's something fucked up someone says yeah so some guy came in one time with his girlfriend i was on stage at the store in middle of the show room it's fine to come in there and I was like hey what's up how are you nice to see you with your whore and I was like oh and the guy's like what the fuck's your problem and I had to like damn it now I'm stuck in this thing yeah you're just trying to come up with something funny to say you didn't mean to say it sounded wrong sometimes they come out and you're like nope that wasn't it that didn't sound yeah especially when you do like what you and I do it's like you go you go on stage you just a lot of fucking around there's a lot of ad lib and that's how you come up with new material you know to get like the bridges between subjects like sometimes they're different every night you know and in doing so it loose and sounding natural and conversational yeah and sometimes in doing so you also create these like weird improvisational paths where you go on some completely new angle you're like oh my god this is the new part to the bit this is important so yeah it's important to me to be able to fuck around but sometimes you know especially when you you know if you have a new subject you're not exactly sure where you go with it you just take a stupid chance and you're like oh no it's been like two minutes on a dark path and you're like oh there's a wolf around here that's gonna eat me wolf of boredom on the crowd you just get fucking stuck there shit stuck in a shit topic you ever start a topic and then you're in the middle of it and you want to bail you're like no yeah and you go how do I get out of this I told me that the laugh act the other day at doing one of their employee shows uh I started down a path and I was like you know what guys I don't want to do that I have this whole thing about this but I'm gonna talk about something else that's cool I'm like yeah all right wow that's funny I was already getting laughs he was already doing fine I was just like, nah.

[2401] That's funny.

[2402] Yeah, I guess it all depends on your level of enthusiasm.

[2403] Plus, I got 12 minutes there, and this is a 7 minute a bit.

[2404] So it's like, do I want to commit this percentage of this time to this?

[2405] What made you decide to bail on it?

[2406] I wanted to work on something else.

[2407] And that was like, I could just do this right now, but it'd be just me just doing it.

[2408] Right, right, right, right.

[2409] And I need to work on this other thing.

[2410] You know, it's fresher.

[2411] And it's like, that's my plan.

[2412] I need to develop things, you know?

[2413] Right.

[2414] Yeah, that's the way to go, man. Do you spend a lot of time actually writing?

[2415] Not actually writing.

[2416] I'll write over like notes, little notes.

[2417] Get in front of your computer and get high and just start writing.

[2418] And just takes a while and don't try to write jokes.

[2419] Just try to write.

[2420] Just write.

[2421] And just sometimes I write as stand -up and sometimes I write as like if someone was reading a book.

[2422] Free conscience.

[2423] Yeah.

[2424] But you, there's things that come out.

[2425] That's what writing.

[2426] Just start writing.

[2427] Just start writing and then we'll see what happens.

[2428] Because there's things that come out when you're doing that.

[2429] When you're, there's things that come out.

[2430] Because it makes you put yourself in the place, right?

[2431] Well, it comes out everywhere.

[2432] It comes like comedy will come out when you're driving your car.

[2433] You'll have an idea.

[2434] You'll have to write it down.

[2435] But when you actually force yourself to sit down and think about things, it's not always that it works.

[2436] But you actually put the time in.

[2437] Yeah, I got a new bit right now, man, that I'm so fucking happy with.

[2438] Really?

[2439] Oh, my God.

[2440] It's destroying.

[2441] And it's something that I wrote.

[2442] I wrote on a plane.

[2443] And it came to me, it's one of the rare moments where it came to me with almost too much stuff.

[2444] There's too many punch lines.

[2445] It's just too killer.

[2446] There's this subject that I'm really pissed off about.

[2447] And so it's like a 10 -minute subject.

[2448] And I just have to keep remembering it because it's brand new.

[2449] But it's like, and there's this one, boom, and then this one, bang!

[2450] It's like I've got this new, which to me is even more fun than a bit.

[2451] Because you're excited about it.

[2452] That's why they kill the most because I really feel great.

[2453] There's no acting in me at all.

[2454] It's all pure emotion.

[2455] It's pure emotion.

[2456] And it's right.

[2457] It's on something.

[2458] Something that's got something to it.

[2459] Something that's set it clear to me a little bit was when Tom was telling me about something Bill Burr told him about writing new material.

[2460] Right.

[2461] And he was like, how do you write that long?

[2462] And he broke it down to like five minutes a month, which always embarrasses everybody.

[2463] But then he was like, where do you come up with stuff?

[2464] He goes, I don't know, stuff you, what do you care about?

[2465] And you're like, yeah, that's it.

[2466] Just what do you care about?

[2467] Yeah.

[2468] That's all it is.

[2469] What's on your mind?

[2470] What's going on?

[2471] Yeah.

[2472] The fucking line at this place or bad foods you're supposed to eat or not supposed to eat or just whatever.

[2473] Right, and you've got to be paying enough attention to actually care about something.

[2474] Yeah, and that's what's interesting.

[2475] What's interesting is always where if you could just be about the way your sheets bunch up on you.

[2476] If that's what really makes you angry or happy or whatever, then that's what you care about.

[2477] That's okay.

[2478] Maybe.

[2479] Yeah, you'd have to be really interesting.

[2480] Yeah, you'd be really into that.

[2481] Sheets.

[2482] I'd way rather hear about complicated shit.

[2483] But like Jim Gaffigan can make bacon funny.

[2484] That's true.

[2485] For like a while.

[2486] Jim Gaffigan can make sheets funny too.

[2487] Yeah.

[2488] Yeah, no, for him, that's just not for me or for you.

[2489] Right.

[2490] It wouldn't work.

[2491] But yeah.

[2492] Yeah.

[2493] It's what, you know, and that's what defines you as makes you interesting or not.

[2494] It's like, what kind of things are interesting.

[2495] These are the things that are on my mind.

[2496] That's what I'm talking about.

[2497] Stand -up comedy.

[2498] Ari Shafir, Cap City Comedy Club this September, what?

[2499] What are the days?

[2500] That's the 12th through the 15th.

[2501] Keep it together, motherfuckers.

[2502] Man. It's a dark road out there, ladies and gentlemen.

[2503] But we're all on it.

[2504] It's not even dark.

[2505] It's actually pretty awesome.

[2506] If you lived in the 1500s.

[2507] In the Napolis, Corpus, Dallas.

[2508] Somebody could transport you to today.

[2509] Portland.

[2510] You think you're living in a fucking dream.

[2511] Oh, yeah, it'd be totally different.

[2512] High -dice, bitches, medicine.

[2513] How about just penicillin?

[2514] How about when you have sex with a dirty prostitute, you don't die?

[2515] Wouldn't that be sweet?

[2516] Wouldn't that be sweet if you just didn't die?

[2517] Yeah, one day we'll have, like, you'll catch, like, gonorrhea, and instead of how to jab that thing in you, that just go get gum, get gonorrhea gum.

[2518] They rave the wand over you, like Star Trek?

[2519] It'll be an app on your cell phone.

[2520] You stick your cell phone near your dick and it'll cure it.

[2521] Yeah.

[2522] It'll zap it.

[2523] It's ridiculous.

[2524] We live in the best fucking time ever, and everyone's depressed.

[2525] Why?

[2526] Because look at our future.

[2527] This fucking Mitt Rami guy.

[2528] He's going to win, too.

[2529] White people are angry.

[2530] You think Mett Rami's going to win?

[2531] That's how the play's supposed to play out.

[2532] You think so?

[2533] It doesn't matter.

[2534] Corporations win.

[2535] No matter who's in place.

[2536] That's the only reason why corporations win.

[2537] Corporations are winning.

[2538] What really matters, man, is state and local elections.

[2539] And you're friends and people you care about.

[2540] And what you do for living, you dirty, dirty bitches.

[2541] Enjoy yourselves.

[2542] Because you're not going to make a big difference in the fucking legal system.

[2543] Well, even if you do, you're still just a person.

[2544] Yeah, you just want to do.

[2545] And you'll be dead and gone forever.

[2546] So enjoy it while you're here.

[2547] The only way we can make a difference is talking about shit and having a new generation of people who don't grow up to become the cunts that the people that are running this country are.

[2548] That's the only way.

[2549] It's the only way.

[2550] So by this conversation, by this podcast alone, you influence the youth, Arjafir, and set them in a good direction.

[2551] I should also influence you on Yom Kippur.

[2552] Please get my album, Revenge for the Holocaust.

[2553] What a perfect time to launch a comedy album with you as a spider with a star of David.

[2554] Juice Fighter, finding Hitler.

[2555] And that's going to be available on iTunes and Arithegrate .com is his website.

[2556] That's your website or Arithegrate .com?

[2557] They're both there, same side.

[2558] You go to the same thing?

[2559] Yeah.

[2560] I like Ari the Great, though.

[2561] It's a cool thing.

[2562] But yeah.

[2563] I'm sending you four MP3s.

[2564] Me?

[2565] Anybody who goes on my website.

[2566] Well, there you go to Ari Safare's website.

[2567] Ari the Great .com and get yourself some fucking MP3s.

[2568] It's some solid, goddamn stand -up comedy for one of the best of the country.

[2569] I've seen them develop from a goddamn feminist to a real professional.

[2570] Do you feel fatherly like that at all?

[2571] No, no, I'm happy as a friend, though.

[2572] I think it's awesome as fuck.

[2573] I ask my rabbis about this.

[2574] Like, when you come to Israel and then people start to get more religious, do you feel like you've accomplished something?

[2575] And he's like, yeah, you do.

[2576] It's like, you help build something.

[2577] Well, I definitely, I'm happy when I'm around comedians, and I give me advice and I get better.

[2578] But they don't, and not everybody listens.

[2579] You listen better than anybody that ever took on the road with me. If I would tell you, I'm like, you got too many words in that, man. You would like, you're right.

[2580] Fuck.

[2581] And you would just go charpened up and think about it and redo things.

[2582] people have told me things that I didn't want to hear and some of them I fought and some of them I listened to some of them were uncomfortable but ultimately people especially in the beginning can point things out to you it's up to you whether or not you can see them and listen and accept it.

[2583] I was looking down the whole time Mark Madison told me that I used to do that too look up you're talking to the crowd I was like oh yeah it helps just little things maybe you're right instead of fuck you you don't know what I were talking about I looked down way too much for a long time I did it for years yeah just think what if it's not good or bad that you do that that you were wrong in the past what if it's just you can improve yeah just do it like that but you were really good at listening you were really good at uh changing too taking chances you know that's why you're you're still producing like constant new material if there's anything that always bugs us about someone that we know it's a guy who's got the same jokes for 10 years it's sad it's like man you don't have anything new to say you got to have some new shit man it's good i've heard you got to have some new shit you know guys that's the reason I shaved my beard is because Dice was the last straw I was like shave your beard I was like why I was like for your act and I was like and then I was like instead of like you're a doofus dice like he always is I was like if Andrew Dice Clay the legend of Andrew Dice Clay is telling me that it's good for my act I'm like hey why and he goes you're expressive and people can't see your expressions and I was like it doesn't make sense but I don't want to stop that you look like a crazy dirt bag with that crazy beard and I think that might be worth more that might be worth more I can see my expressions the whole beard moves yeah I don't think of Dice I don't think Dice gets that.

[2584] I wanted to get rid of it anyway.

[2585] Bearded dirtbag look.

[2586] You definitely look younger.

[2587] Everybody always says that when you shave your beard, you look younger, but you really do.

[2588] For the other reasons, more innocent.

[2589] Oh, babies are crying.

[2590] Shit's going on.

[2591] All right, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow we will join Freeway Ricky Ross, the real Rick Ross.

[2592] He's joining us again on the podcast.

[2593] Every day.

[2594] That's the fake Rick Ross.

[2595] You got the real one.

[2596] We got the real one.

[2597] The guy who, this guy, this guy, pretend is pretends to be the guy who went to jail for selling cocaine the guy who's cocaine sales funded the uh conscious versus the sendinistas nicaragua what yeah yeah yeah that's how the that's the whole ollie north thing they were funneling they were selling drugs and to raise money for it like having a bake sale but with coke with coke and they would so they would get the coke bravo america way to think outside the box they would get the coke to the poor communities wow and uh and everybody wins everybody wins oh then we all go dancing so this guy got out of jail and there's a rapper that's got his name his name is Rick Ross and he was Freeway Rick Ross he was known as being this huge I mean I remember you can ask me if you killed anybody ever no you never got disrespectful okay I wouldn't do that the guy has been in the you know he was in the drug trade for years got all over the news I mean it was like a big deal it's like one of those things like when rappers call themselves Capone you know, like, Matt Capone.

[2598] Is he the one that was on Time magazine with, like, drugs?

[2599] I don't think so.

[2600] That's when the government was, like, go after that guy.

[2601] I don't think so.

[2602] Oh.

[2603] I don't think that's the case.

[2604] He was trying to stay, like, as low -key as possible, but he got busted.

[2605] But the story is just insane that he's got a rapper that's, he's out.

[2606] He's out and free, and there's a rapper out there.

[2607] With his name.

[2608] Yeah, and so he's, like, trying to sue the rapper.

[2609] Not just the same name.

[2610] Like, no, it's my personality you're taking.

[2611] Yeah.

[2612] Well, not only what's even crazier, the rapper used to, to be a corrections officer.

[2613] Oh, really?

[2614] He was a prison guard, which is really nutty.

[2615] Wow.

[2616] Yeah, it's the whole thing is crazy.

[2617] He's building his album is like the greatest thing of all time.

[2618] He's on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

[2619] Look around right there, right behind you.

[2620] Look at that Rolling Stone.

[2621] You see that Rolling Stone?

[2622] That's him, man. I bought that Rolling Stone just for the real Rick Ross.

[2623] Because to talk about it.

[2624] He's got tattoos of Abraham Lincoln from the Dollarville and the five and George Washington from the one.

[2625] Yeah, that's a new thing that black dudes are doing.

[2626] doing is they're covering their whole bodies triply says it and I agree black dudes look better in tats but this is a weird it goes with the skin better the rapper thing where they cover everything and they go they cover their face and they cover their his the back of his palm all tatted up it's got a weed leaf on it but that didn't exist before isn't that weird we go back to like the super fly days because they have to keep out doing each other I did a joke that never was able to work but it's like every fucking grandmother has a tattoo now it's not a big deal so now what we're going to have to do is go to the next stage which with the ear things you know the ear thing they push out yeah and so then that's going to become blasé and then we're going to have to do the plates that the african people had in their necks we're going to see that in our lifetime so we're going to have the plates black dudes are like especially famous dudes are doing a lot of face tattoos yeah a lot of like stars and shit and like i like it's like fuck it i'm not going to have a regular job one dude got an ice cream cone on his face yeah remember that who's that guy some rapper yeah it's not a white thing no well you could you could you know you be there was a guy a a bodybuilder that I saw at the airport that had a whole face tattoo.

[2627] He had a Tyson thing.

[2628] One of those New Zealand Tyson tattooed things.

[2629] Seguri's the great joke about it.

[2630] It was like, if you've got a face tattoo because you want no interaction with any other human forever.

[2631] Something along those lines.

[2632] Something along those lines.

[2633] Yeah, it's obvious.

[2634] You want to scare everyone you come in contact with.

[2635] Yeah.

[2636] Yeah, isn't it weird?

[2637] We have certain spots in our body that mean certain things.

[2638] If you start tattooing your face, We've all agreed.

[2639] No. You're getting nutty, son.

[2640] But over here on the wrist, that's okay.

[2641] Oh, that's nothing.

[2642] That's cute.

[2643] The ankle, it's cute.

[2644] It's sweet.

[2645] You know, the chain link around the bicep.

[2646] Yeah, that one.

[2647] Chain link, you can't get in these roots.

[2648] Yo, bro, that shit's solid steel dog.

[2649] Yeah, barbed wire.

[2650] Solid steel dog.

[2651] Ari the great .com, you dirty bitches.

[2652] Follow Ari on Twitter.

[2653] Ari Shafir with two F's.

[2654] That's A -R -I -S.

[2655] That's A -R -I -S.

[2656] S -H -A -F -F -I -R, dude.

[2657] Good luck with the CD.

[2658] Thanks.

[2659] I got like 10 weeks on the road coming up.

[2660] Check my website for all of them.

[2661] When are you leaving?

[2662] When are you leaving for the road?

[2663] I got a wedding this weekend, but the next one is the 12th or the 14th.

[2664] Are you gone like weeks at a time?

[2665] Are you going to do that thing?

[2666] Are you going to come back?

[2667] I'm doing Toronto and then straight to Indianapolis.

[2668] That's a 10 -day run.

[2669] But the rest of them are all back for a day or two.

[2670] See if you can come in right before Toronto.

[2671] Maybe we can, are you going to be here at it all?

[2672] Yeah, right before Toronto.

[2673] I got three days before that.

[2674] Let's do another one.

[2675] Let's do another podcast.

[2676] because that's right before and by the way I'll have my studio up and running by then at least the beginnings of it any input you got on Twitter anybody knows anybody who knows anything about building a studio because I got a dope -ass office space now.

[2677] I'm ready to fucking oh it's gonna be killer dude maybe that's Tuesday after this after Punch John I can't wait to have like it's gonna be like a Ravenite social club sort of thing what do you mean like just the way you said it like have loungy places and have beers and a pool table there on a pool table there a couch big screen TV I'm gonna have it a real cool spot and then I'm gonna have the studio like where where everybody sits down as comfortable as possible I think we've figured it out now I think in doing the ice house studio and doing this studio and you know doing like Duncan setup and doing my old setup we know what you need yeah yeah yeah it's like the way they brought Todd Glass in to tell them how to build helium or different clubs yeah yeah it's like no I know what's necessary please trust me is I've been through it yeah so I I've waited for Yeah Comfort And you can't have Like loungy chairs You gotta have office chairs Yeah Too far back These are the kind of chairs Yeah And these microphones are real good But the better ones Are there's other ones That I got here Just fucking Yeah these are a little weird Shores It's tough because Shores are like Less directional This is This has too much Of a sweet spot And then there's another one That's Don Imis uses This thing right here It's got a built in SoundGron I'm gonna try these next And these are the ones We have The Ice House But I'm also going to try.

[2678] There's ones that I saw on the Don I'm a show.

[2679] I forget the names of them.

[2680] But they're supposed to be the best for that kind of shit for radio and he don't have to put a windscreen over them and maybe you get a clearer sound.

[2681] Some people don't like the windscreen because it's like it gives you a little bit of a filtered sound.

[2682] Like Kevin Smith, he takes the windscreen off when he came over there.

[2683] He doesn't get to the other...

[2684] No, he knows how to do it.

[2685] He knows how to manage it, but he just feels like it's really him that way.

[2686] Otherwise, this is like a muted.

[2687] I don't like the headphones sometimes.

[2688] Why is that?

[2689] One, they hear my ears.

[2690] I have my glasses on.

[2691] So do you hear a difference between this and this?

[2692] Is there a difference?

[2693] Yeah, there's a total difference.

[2694] This sounds better, actually.

[2695] Sounds clear.

[2696] God damn it, these fucking stupid condoms.

[2697] You know why I got these?

[2698] Say Pete Piper, Pats of Piper, whatever.

[2699] Say something like that with a lot of peas or teas in it.

[2700] Peter Piper packed to pickle peppers.

[2701] Yeah, it sounds better.

[2702] It's a little pop, but not much.

[2703] But it sounds like a real person, right?

[2704] Yeah.

[2705] The mic you use on stage doesn't have windscreens.

[2706] Sometimes they do.

[2707] On top of it.

[2708] But those aren't good.

[2709] Yeah, this sucks.

[2710] Marin told me my windscreens.

[2711] Can you?

[2712] Maybe I'll try it with that.

[2713] Marin told you to get something.

[2714] He probably told you get the second best thing.

[2715] Probably held back whatever the first best thing was.

[2716] Oh, no. He was very, very nice about it.

[2717] I want no part of this.

[2718] He was very forthcoming.

[2719] I'm kidding.

[2720] I'm kidding.

[2721] I saw this one.

[2722] I gave him a hug.

[2723] Me and Bert saw him last night at the UCB.

[2724] And Bert said it.

[2725] He goes, if Mark Marin is the nicest person there, something's wrong.

[2726] There's an attitude going on.

[2727] Yeah.

[2728] Everybody says that about the UCB.

[2729] I don't go there.

[2730] I don't know how much perceived.

[2731] I've been there before.

[2732] Yeah.

[2733] But I remember reading.

[2734] like um something somewhere where it was like a forum like a forum blog or something like that or a forum post where someone said why is joel rogan at the ucb it's like oh yeah we do that once what was that's so weird like it was matt put it together it was just like a good show that's not what i mean i mean it's like it's so weird that there's a type you know what they know about this type goes here and that type goes there and dude there's a lot of overlap already stevens is everywhere it's so silly it's just so silly you know yeah like people were surprised he and edwards really broke it down to me. I met him.

[2735] I was opening for Polly doing that sketch movie that...

[2736] That hurts just hearing it.

[2737] Yeah.

[2738] Take your condom off after you service.

[2739] I feel dirty.

[2740] That comics, natural born condom, whatever that video was.

[2741] Take that thing off.

[2742] Let's hear.

[2743] I'll take the condom off.

[2744] Yeah.

[2745] And...

[2746] Oh, that's better.

[2747] And you can see where you have to talk into, too.

[2748] Fuck these things, man. But I saw him, and he did the Orlando Improv and the Miami Improv.

[2749] Mainstream clubs.

[2750] And he was very funny at those clubs.

[2751] And then I heard he was going to the UCB on their big alternative night.

[2752] And I was like, really?

[2753] You're performing there?

[2754] He goes, I all the time.

[2755] I didn't know he'd come from New York.

[2756] I've been there forever.

[2757] And I'm like, well, what kind of material do you do in front of those people?

[2758] And he stopped and goes, dude, crowds is crowds.

[2759] It's true.

[2760] They don't care.

[2761] And I was like, whoa.

[2762] For the most part.

[2763] But you know what?

[2764] A lot of two people, they do get a little elitist.

[2765] There's a few of them.

[2766] And the ones are right online and stuff.

[2767] Yeah, but there's also crowds don't know.

[2768] If they figure if you're there, you're supposed to be there.

[2769] And they're like, cool, we'll laugh.

[2770] You don't really give a shit.

[2771] Yeah, I don't know why anybody would restrict themselves to one type of comedy.

[2772] You know, I've always been a fan.

[2773] I mean, I think anybody who knows this podcast knows that I'm a fan of some pretty crazy science and extraordinary ideas.

[2774] When it comes to quantum physics and the nature of the universe and nature of reality, I like a lot of like pretty heady, twisted up, deep shit about just the very nature of matter itself.

[2775] But I love stupid comedy.

[2776] Yeah.

[2777] It's fun.

[2778] Yeah, sure.

[2779] It's fun.

[2780] My first MC week for this guy, Brett Leak, do you remember him?

[2781] Brent Leak.

[2782] He had muscular dystrophy, and then it got worse and worse.

[2783] He was a killer observational comic.

[2784] Oh, really?

[2785] Did Tonight Show probably 10, 15 times.

[2786] But he said it was him, and then some lady who did relationship comedy in the middle, and then me being filthy, M. Singh.

[2787] And he goes, I like a different kind of show.

[2788] Yeah.

[2789] So the DC improv.

[2790] And he goes, I like three different people, so nobody overlaps.

[2791] Yeah, I agree, man. I'm not into the same kind of comedy all the time.

[2792] I like a Mitch Hedberg.

[2793] It was like squeaky clean.

[2794] And then I'm like, yeah.

[2795] Yeah, I guess he was, huh?

[2796] And then I like Joey Diaz talking about - Was Heather really cleaned?

[2797] Yeah, I guess he was.

[2798] And I like Joey Diaz talking about pinching a foil out of some girl, the asshole.

[2799] Yeah.

[2800] He's bagging to the ass and he felt foil at the tip of his dick.

[2801] So he reached in with his fingers, pull it out, put it out of the desk, and put his dick back here.

[2802] He's just the craziest motherfucker of all time.

[2803] Every time I'm with him, I just have this big smile.

[2804] I can't believe this guy's my friend.

[2805] He gets you going.

[2806] Oh, this is what Bert said.

[2807] So he's meeting him for coffee.

[2808] Right.

[2809] And he goes, other people come up.

[2810] And he goes, I think he just sits there all day long.

[2811] And, like, has people come meet him.

[2812] And just throughout the day, he just sits to, like, an old Italian guy.

[2813] Who was it in coffee?

[2814] Burke Kreisher.

[2815] Met who?

[2816] Joey Diaz.

[2817] Oh, where?

[2818] In the valley somewhere for, in NoHo.

[2819] Oh, that's hilarious.

[2820] No, Joey can't sit still for very long.

[2821] He's got shit to do.

[2822] Maybe.

[2823] He might have done it for a few hours.

[2824] But he takes his phone calls and he fucking, not text.

[2825] He doesn't text, but he calls.

[2826] He wants you doing okay?

[2827] The one -minute phone calls, he's a king of.

[2828] He's a legit businessman, though.

[2829] You got to think about that now.

[2830] Joey's got, like, real money.

[2831] He's doing great on the road.

[2832] Charlie is killing them on the road He convinced me to put that last storyteller show online Yeah Just put it just $2, just throw it up It's beautiful Why not?

[2833] It's beautiful Well you know Seeing him get to number one on iTunes Was fucking incredible He sold like 3540 ,000 copies of that CD Just from himself Yeah And by the way He's selling these testicle testaments He's telling these other things on iTunes Which are fucking fantastic He does a new hour and a half To two hours of story On something every month And they're fucking tremendous And they're great if you're in your car and you're driving to work or something like that.

[2834] Slap one of those on.

[2835] You'll just have a big stupid smile on your face.

[2836] It's half hilarious and half like really deep shit.

[2837] Yeah, he's awesome.

[2838] Listen, we're lucky, man. We're lucky we know a lot of comedians.

[2839] Yeah.

[2840] We are, for sure.

[2841] Where are you at this weekend?

[2842] I'm at a wedding.

[2843] Oh, poor pastime.

[2844] I'm at the comedy store and the factory on Friday.

[2845] Cape Cod, Massachusetts.

[2846] Somebody made you go across the country for their stupid fucking voodoo.

[2847] I know the bright end of the groom, but yeah, I know.

[2848] I felt bad about it.

[2849] You're going to bring breast trips?

[2850] No, I'm going to bring marijuana.

[2851] A lot of marijuana.

[2852] I told them, too.

[2853] I was like, you know, I've got to be on drugs on there.

[2854] They're like, absolutely.

[2855] They knew it?

[2856] It's casual.

[2857] They knew you were going to be high?

[2858] Yeah.

[2859] You're going to have an edible?

[2860] Probably, not super strong.

[2861] I don't want to go, I don't want to get bonkers, but like.

[2862] You don't want to get social anxiety.

[2863] But I don't want to fucking, yeah, have the social anxiety.

[2864] No, that's, if I don't go on something, I'll have it.

[2865] Yeah, you want to be high enough where it's cute.

[2866] I can relax.

[2867] Yeah.

[2868] You're like, oh, this is sweet.

[2869] They're getting married.

[2870] Maybe I'll cry when they say they're...

[2871] I'm a romantic.

[2872] Even though I'm believing that shit, I'm still like, something tugs at me when I see it.

[2873] Once in your life, you'll find him.

[2874] Yeah, no, you are, man. You're a sweetie.

[2875] I've seen you with chicks, too.

[2876] You're very affectionate guy.

[2877] Yeah.

[2878] A lot of people would think that Ari Schaffir has got a cold heart.

[2879] I'm not all dick.

[2880] It's not.

[2881] He's just been battered around a few times and he's a little bruised in the outside.

[2882] Deep inside.

[2883] Somebody asked me this recently.

[2884] They're like, who hurt you?

[2885] And I'm like, all of them.

[2886] Every one of them.

[2887] Is that what you want to?

[2888] here.

[2889] They all made me who I am.

[2890] Okay, write that down and say that on stage.

[2891] That's very important.

[2892] You need to write that down.

[2893] Somebody remind me. That's a bit.

[2894] Yeah, we'll get off this fucking podcast.

[2895] I carry notebooks now.

[2896] It's easier to write that down.

[2897] Write that down.

[2898] All of them.

[2899] Who hurts you?

[2900] All of that.

[2901] Are you happy?

[2902] All of them.

[2903] All of them.

[2904] All right, you fucking dirty freaks.

[2905] Tomorrow, the real Rick Ross and Brian Red Band will return as well.

[2906] Revenge for the Holocaust, September 25th.

[2907] Buy that shit.

[2908] You know what to do, you freaks.

[2909] What is?

[2910] How much is it?

[2911] $7 .99.

[2912] Jesus Christ, ladies, gentlemen.

[2913] On iTunes.

[2914] Go buy that shit.

[2915] And that's it.

[2916] The fucking show's over, you freaks.

[2917] Thanks to...

[2918] Oh, thank you, man. Always good time, man. Thanks to ting .com for the office up.

[2919] Ting.

[2920] Yeah, sorry, Ting, we kind of fucked you.

[2921] I will tell you this.

[2922] I'll help make it up.

[2923] I will give serious thought to Ting.

[2924] I'm done with my fucking Verizon contract now.

[2925] I was waiting for the new iPhone to come out, but if I get one of those Samsung's before they go off the market.

[2926] Yeah, get this before Apple fucks them.

[2927] Because they're going to...

[2928] This thing is the shit, man. Give me that ass.

[2929] It's really huge.

[2930] I'm enjoying the size.

[2931] But it's not...

[2932] It's a thing's thinner than the iPhone.

[2933] Yeah, it's definitely thinner.

[2934] It's definitely thinner this way.

[2935] Yeah.

[2936] It's just wider.

[2937] I don't know anything about it, like, battery life or anything yet.

[2938] You just got it.

[2939] Yeah, I'm totally talking out of my ass.

[2940] I'm just, right now, I'm just like, ooh.

[2941] I've done...

[2942] I've done nothing.

[2943] Go take your piss, son.

[2944] I haven't done nothing, like, where I could tell you that this is an awesome device.

[2945] but it looks dope as fuck all right folks so go to rogan dot ting .com and when you go there and you sign up you'll get a $50 credit towards a new device and like I said we we're only supporting things on this show that we 100 % believe in whether it's uh you know going to desk quad dot TV and buying t -shirts to support uh Brian Redband and the podcast network um whether it's uh to go to ting dot com and support them.

[2946] Ting is a company, we believe in their philosophy, and we, you know, we're behind it.

[2947] Onit .com, we're behind them, 100%.

[2948] I'm a part owner and on it because I love the philosophy behind the organization, and I love what the idea of selling things that I buy and things that I absolutely 100 % enjoy and benefit from, like Alpha Brain and Shroom Tech and new mood and hemp forest protein powder, which is my favorite protein powder on Earth, and kettle bells and battle ropes, which you know I do all day because I'm manly as fuck.

[2949] So go to on it .com.

[2950] That's O N -N -N -I -T.

[2951] And if you use the code name Rogan, you will get 10 % off any and all supplements.

[2952] And that's it.

[2953] So go to Desquad .tv.

[2954] Go buy yourself some fucking shirts.

[2955] Go to higherprimate .com.

[2956] If you want higher dash primate .com, that's my t -shirt company.

[2957] And I have a bunch of different t -shirts, including a Joey Diaz.

[2958] If you're not high by two in the morning or two in afternoon, go fuck yourself t -shirt.

[2959] That's available it on it.

[2960] We just restocked.

[2961] And that money, of course, goes to a big part of it, to the great one.

[2962] Joe Diaz.

[2963] So, your support Joe Diaz.

[2964] Can we get a worst of the whites t -shirt?

[2965] Worst of the whites?

[2966] Yeah, that's for you.

[2967] Yeah, that's for you.

[2968] Who would you say, the Italians?

[2969] Were the worst of the whites?

[2970] Armenians, Persians?

[2971] Armenians, the worst of the whites.

[2972] I don't think you want to make that in a t -shirt form.

[2973] The Armenians will fuck you up, then.

[2974] I love Armenians, man. They will fuck you up.

[2975] There's some wild people.

[2976] Yeah, you need a better saying.

[2977] Yeah, but for you, but for you, but for you, yeah we definitely should put out an r a shafir's t -shirt what it should be if you're good to have an rshaffir t -shirt you must have said something fucked up you know what people contact us on twitter tell us the most fucked up thing because sometimes people put things like in message board posts in quotes or on twitter in quotes but i completely forgot that i write people what was the contest what was that about yeah we look we appreciate the fuck out of it i um i say this all the time but i only say it because it's 100 % true i the the thing that i'm most blown away by is the amount of fucking cool people that we meet at these shows.

[2978] It's amazing.

[2979] I don't understand it.

[2980] I don't know how it all happened, but I do know that we're truly, truly thankful.

[2981] Yeah, you've got a lot of cool people.

[2982] I want to say humbled by it, but it is the word.

[2983] It's like, whoa, like these are, everywhere we go.

[2984] Everybody says the same thing.

[2985] These are the nicest crowds, the most generous crowds.

[2986] They always tip well.

[2987] They drink well and tip well.

[2988] Look, we're happy as fuck That we're connecting with you guys like that And then every message that I get Where people say, hey man, because of you I started drinking kale shakes in the morning I lost 50 pounds, I'm working out for the first time I started taking Jiu -Jitsu Like your the drive to not change And once you overcome it like oh what am I?

[2989] What was I resisting?

[2990] Yeah, what am I resisting?

[2991] And it's also Having people in this conversation They tune in and they're a part of it Even though they're not saying anything They might be saying something in their car They're like yeah fucking that fucking bitch That guy's an asshole There's a lot of people living in a town of 2000 And there's four cool people there And they tune into this And say oh fine Someone else is out there like this We recognize that this is an important part of your life This fucking show will always remain free This show will always remain completely uncensored If I tell you something It's because I believe it Even if I'm wrong I believe that shit Go to the Loberro theater this Saturday night Or this Friday night In Santa Barbara Duncan Trustle Just added to the show We are so not fucking around That is the L 'Baro Theater in Santa Barbara, rather.

[2992] There's someone's calling me. Who the fuck is calling me?

[2993] Bob Fisher from the Ice House.

[2994] Powerful ice house.

[2995] So that's it, folks.

[2996] We will see you tomorrow from the Ice House, ironically, with the real Rick Ross.

[2997] Onet .com, use a code name Rogan.

[2998] And by the way, you guys, the way you give back to us is by coming to our shows.

[2999] Yeah, listen, we love that.

[3000] That's the biggest payback we can ever get.

[3001] And by the way, quite honestly, that's a nice absolute benefit.

[3002] it, the biggest benefit for true is knowing the people are enjoying it.

[3003] When I run into people, even that don't come to my shows, if I run into them with the mall or something like that, I'm a huge podcast fan, that makes me feel fucking great.

[3004] If I'm doing something and you're enjoying it, I'm happy.

[3005] That's how I believe life should be.

[3006] All right, you fucking freaks.

[3007] This show's over.

[3008] Peace love and mushrooms.

[3009] Peace love mushrooms.

[3010] Go fuck yourself.

[3011] I don't even have any...

[3012] We're bad at going out, right?

[3013] I don't even have any controversial I don't have any controversial sponsors anymore So when I end these things Invade Argentina And Argentina's filled with nice people What fuck, man I don't know I'm trying to say so Listen you freaks, we love you We love the shit out of you All right, we'll see you soon