MFM Minisode 132 - The Grandparents

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And be Gwen.

[2] Hello and welcome to my favorite murder.

[3] The Minnesota.

[4] Where we read your shit to you.

[5] Do you like it?

[6] We like it.

[7] Okay, this one's called glowing eyes in the basement window.

[8] No. And there's no intro.

[9] Okay.

[10] Because this is for real.

[11] Because we got to get to it.

[12] This episode's for real.

[13] Yep.

[14] I grew up in a super small town in northern Wisconsin.

[15] I was around 10 years old and my best friend and I were excited to go to a youth group at her church that night.

[16] Since her mom was part of the church's band, we had to get there early for them to rehearse.

[17] We got there.

[18] We were the only kids.

[19] We went down to the basement where the group rooms were located to play around until the group started.

[20] The basement was broken up in four quadrants with each with their own lights.

[21] So we only had the lights on in our quadrant of the basement and the rest of the rooms were dark.

[22] It was also dark outside by this time.

[23] So I'm feeling a little creeped out by being in this old church.

[24] There's also a window in that room that was at ground level.

[25] and then it says important.

[26] So we find a bouncy ball and we're bouncing it back and forth to each other when my friend bounces it wildly to me and I miss the catch.

[27] The ball proceeds to bounce off the walls and into the window sill that is kind of pushed back into the wall.

[28] We follow the ball around the room and when it reaches said window sill, we both freeze because in this window we can make out the outline of a head with the biggest glowing white eyes.

[29] What?

[30] We both look at each other with the same terrified face and start screaming.

[31] As if we aren't scared enough already, as we start to run up the stairs, we can hear the figure, fucking yelling.

[32] No. Help me. No. We were practically in tears at this point, and we run to her mom and explain what we saw.

[33] She didn't believe us at first, of course.

[34] But we were both really distraught, so she finally agreed to investigate.

[35] As we went outside, we could hear someone still yelling, help me. no this is when my mom's face turned to uh this is when her mom's face turned to an oh shit look yeah not knowing what the fuck could be behind this old church my mom decided to call the cops so they could investigate good once they arrived we went behind the church to find not a terrifying glowing eyed creature but in fact a poor old lady who had fallen off the ladder in her backyard she had broken her legs so when she saw the basement light turn on she crawled her way to the ground level window to see if we could help oh my god it's scary It's scarier.

[36] It's scarier.

[37] Her huge old ladyglasses were reflecting the light coming from the basement, which made her look absolutely terrifying.

[38] I felt so bad afterwards that I'd taken us that long to get her help.

[39] But hey, better safe and sorry.

[40] SSGM, your favorite rugby player, Shelby.

[41] Shit, Shelby.

[42] Hells, yes.

[43] I know.

[44] First of all, my favorite girl's name, Shelby, I'm assuming.

[45] That is fucking.

[46] How scary is that?

[47] They were, they really were seeing something.

[48] It was real.

[49] And it was yelling, help me. It was real.

[50] It was a poor old lady.

[51] First of all, lady, what are you doing on your roof?

[52] Lady, why are you on a ladder?

[53] You're an old lady.

[54] Ask your neighbor to help.

[55] If your glasses are this thick, you should not get up on a ladder.

[56] Absolutely not.

[57] That's the sign I put next to all old lady ladders.

[58] Has the army crawl to the basement window and is like, help me. Help me. My legs broken.

[59] And then these little kids start screaming at you.

[60] Oh, also like, oh, it's like, she's been laying there all day, and then it's like the light comes on on the trip.

[61] I'm just like, oh, oh, like, I'm so thirsty.

[62] Oh, God.

[63] I wanted a cup of tea.

[64] A lemon balm tea.

[65] Oh, it's awful.

[66] So sad.

[67] Shit, that was a good one.

[68] Yeah.

[69] Shelbs.

[70] Okay, the subject line of this one is Grandpa stops a robbery with some unlikely help.

[71] All right.

[72] Great.

[73] Page two.

[74] So up, Karen and Georgia and Stephen.

[75] Hi.

[76] My dad and I were on a road trip, and we swung by a little house he grew up in with his seven brothers and sisters, his mom, and his dad, who was the only police officer in town.

[77] Their house was also the police station.

[78] Oh, my God.

[79] Where is this?

[80] New Zealand.

[81] Okay.

[82] That suddenly makes total sense.

[83] Right.

[84] Seriously, the front two rooms were for police business and the family kept the bedrooms to live in, and I think they shared the kitchen.

[85] Oh, my God.

[86] It's amazing.

[87] When I asked my dad, what the hell they did when they needed to lock somebody up, he said, there was a shed in the garden.

[88] I don't know if he was joking.

[89] It's so good.

[90] Can you imagine growing up at a police station?

[91] I asked dad what it was like for Grandpa to be the one and only cop in town, and he said he needed to improvise sometimes.

[92] Then he told me this story.

[93] Late one night, Grandpa spotted men with flashlights inside the TV and appliance repair shop, obviously robbing the place.

[94] Back up from New Plymouth would take over an hour to get there.

[95] Grandpa didn't want to wait because, of course, he knew the people who owned the repair shop and he couldn't just watch while robbers ruin their business.

[96] That's when he saw the lights in the local rugby club were on.

[97] I like to imagine that he now said fuck protocol before he took off running for the club.

[98] He burst into the room of drinking rugby players and asked if anyone would like to help him catch some bad guys.

[99] They were into it.

[100] The town didn't have streetlights back then So grandpa had to shepherd the rugby players through the pitch dark, desperately trying to keep them quiet.

[101] He positioned them at the front of the shop.

[102] Then he snuck around back, took a deep breath, and kicked in the back door shouting, freeze police.

[103] The robbers dropped what they were holding and bolted out the front door right into about a dozen drunk, enthusiastic rugby players.

[104] Amazing.

[105] As my dad said, quote, they weren't cops, so they didn't have to hold anything back.

[106] Holy shit.

[107] I feel sorry for the robbers.

[108] They had not signed up for anything like what happened to them.

[109] And it was dark, so they literally didn't know what hit them.

[110] Oh, my God.

[111] They were scraped off the pavement and sent to New Plymouth for processing, and the rugby guys would talk about nothing else for days.

[112] I think we all dream that one day we'll get to help take down a criminal.

[113] Hopefully we'll be sober and not one of the 12 other huge -ass men when it happens.

[114] Stay sexy and help out your local cop, Lorraine.

[115] That is a perfect story.

[116] Isn't that, I mean, you can just see it all happening.

[117] And as soon as you said rugby players, I'm like, oh, so fun.

[118] Yes.

[119] And drunk ones, too, the best kind.

[120] Are there any other kind?

[121] Are there any other kind?

[122] Yeah.

[123] A. B, how good are they at tackling?

[124] And punching.

[125] Punching and tackling.

[126] Yes.

[127] It's what they do.

[128] And it's like, you can't get by them.

[129] That's their whole job.

[130] No. It's to keep you from getting by them.

[131] That's a brilliant story.

[132] God bless Lorraine.

[133] I'm not going to tell you the name of this one, but I will tell you that the theme of my stories today as grandparents.

[134] Okay.

[135] Because here's another one.

[136] Hello, all the wonderful people and animals of MFM.

[137] Hey, that's one of the best ones yet.

[138] Easy.

[139] Love it.

[140] I have quite the slew of stories.

[141] I've been meaning to write into you murderous great -uncle, survivor friend's mom, high school murders.

[142] However, once you mentioned writing in stories about secretives, about secretives, my cousin, I can't be right.

[143] No, I get it.

[144] She wrote Secret Lives, but it was in one word.

[145] She forgot to do this space.

[146] Secret lives.

[147] About secretives, which is the professional name for.

[148] That's right.

[149] My cousin, who introduced me to your podcast, insisted I finally buckle down and write this thing.

[150] So here it is.

[151] Around April, I was cleaning out my grandparents' house where they lived for 62 years now.

[152] They didn't pass.

[153] They didn't pass.

[154] Just had a lot of shit that needed to go and came across some interesting things in the process.

[155] My grandmother, who we call batchy, has always...

[156] It sounds like that shit.

[157] It does.

[158] B -A -T -C -H -I -E.

[159] Batchie.

[160] Batchie.

[161] Okay.

[162] Has always been known for the insane amount of photos she takes.

[163] So naturally, a lot of what I found was pictures.

[164] Lots of family from growing up, some of my mom and her sister when they were kids, etc. As I was working on the living room cleaning all the wine glasses on display with Batchie, she was telling me about the good old days and how all her, quote, intimate friends would come over and they would have a great time.

[165] But, quote, of course not when the children.

[166] were around.

[167] I was taken back by that statement, but I chalked it up to an 84 -year -old woman with dementia talking about throwing crazy parties with her friends, getting drunk, playing cards, listening to Elvis records.

[168] I'm into all of those things.

[169] And so is Elvis.

[170] In the next two days, I found some interesting birthday cards from my nanny and grandpa meatball.

[171] What the fuck?

[172] My cousin's grandparents.

[173] Is this a cartoon character writing into us?

[174] I just love that.

[175] Like, funny names are the best.

[176] In the hall closet.

[177] which I again was like, hmm, they have a very uncomfortable sense of humor, but chalked it up to nothing other than that.

[178] And then the next paragraph says, so I was wrong.

[179] It certainly wasn't nothing.

[180] I've moved on to clean their bedroom.

[181] At this point, my batchie and Papa were staying at my mom's house so I could be slightly more productive and found a box of pictures under the bed, not being at all surprised by this because they were quite literally boxes of pictures everywhere.

[182] I open the box to look at the photos and possibly have a few laughs about my mom's old boyfriends or whatever.

[183] All caps.

[184] Nope.

[185] Not pictures of my mom's old boyfriends or photos of us growing up.

[186] Instead I found photos of my grand, but from my grandparents all caps.

[187] Swinger parties.

[188] No, no, no, no. Stephen is pointing at the you have photos?

[189] What?

[190] Holy shit.

[191] Sweat.

[192] Oh my God.

[193] Oh no, what I'm looking at right now.

[194] She sent them.

[195] She took them and sent them to us.

[196] I love her, love her, love her.

[197] Are they old people or they new, were they young?

[198] They're middle -aged people, but it's in the 60s or 70s, I mean, 70s or 80s.

[199] But look, they're all in one bed like Charlie Bucket's grandparents.

[200] It's a bunch of adults in a bed under a sheet together, smiling like little devils.

[201] They are having so much fun.

[202] She's touching his penis in that photo, but you can't tell.

[203] And laughing her ass off.

[204] too.

[205] Oh, my God.

[206] They're like all like in one bed together.

[207] Oh my God.

[208] Let me see more.

[209] Let me see more.

[210] Holy shit.

[211] There's a lot of them.

[212] You guys.

[213] Oh my God.

[214] They're like all naked and How many of these can we post?

[215] I don't.

[216] None probably.

[217] I don't.

[218] Because we don't know.

[219] Because we don't know.

[220] Unless Stephen goes through and puts tiny black bars across everybody's eyes.

[221] Look at this one.

[222] The thing is like they're in these suggested positions, but they're cracking up.

[223] They're just being kind of funny, dirty drunk is kind of what it seems like, but also in a room that it, that's paneled in, um, wood paneling, um, wall paper and then wood paneling on the bottom half.

[224] It's a seven, this looks like 1980 to me. Yeah.

[225] It's so brown.

[226] And they look like, they look like the 1980s 40s.

[227] You know what I mean?

[228] Like they're in their 40s.

[229] Yeah.

[230] They look old to us.

[231] Okay.

[232] It also looks like people who probably drank a ton and were bored.

[233] Yeah.

[234] And they were like, well you look you all have a mustache or a beard right we might as well just fuck each other like you two fucked each other in high school like you've already seen his dick let's just all you I want to see your honey's dick or whatever yes exactly okay let me finish this um keep no don't put that away i want to keep looking at it okay uh so my grandparents no no my grandparents swinger parties and a few sex toys from way back in the day when my mom and aunts were growing up and then I was mortified.

[235] I immediately took pictures of the photos and sent them to my cousins so they could be just as scarred as I was.

[236] That's what I would do.

[237] And had to take a break from cleaning the house for a little while.

[238] Yeah, I bet you did.

[239] As I pieced all these things together, I realized what I had just stumbled upon.

[240] These were all old people that I knew.

[241] All people I had dinner with and played cards with when I was young.

[242] My nanny and grandpa Meatball were both featured in these photos, as well as a few other close friends of my grandparents.

[243] Needless to say, I can never really look at my grandparents the same way ever again oh shit the grandparents are still alive yeah she was just cleaning their house oh i thought no no their batchies fucking kicking it and i took my cousins down with me there's still a lot of that house that needs to get cleaned out but quite frankly i'm horrified to do so yep so yeah that's the story of how i learned my grandparents for swingers stay sexy and don't look under your grandparents bed delaney okay delany's just Delany.

[244] Delany?

[245] Like Melanie, but with a D. Okay.

[246] Oh, my God.

[247] She just blew up her grandparents' spot so hard, like, because not that many people call their grandmother batchy.

[248] Yeah, totally.

[249] So people are going to know.

[250] There's going to be people in that hometown that are like, excuse me, oh, wah.

[251] Yeah.

[252] That's really insane.

[253] This is just like, it's just, they're having so much fun.

[254] Guys, sex is natural and sex is fun.

[255] And everyone does it.

[256] And everyone's grandparents do it.

[257] and take pictures of it.

[258] Oh, my God.

[259] It also looks like they're doing it just to be like, just take a picture of this.

[260] We're being dirty on purpose.

[261] Could be.

[262] And what a gorgeous expression of human love.

[263] That was fun.

[264] And then just the photo, like the fact that there are photos just made it.

[265] I mean, I was, I'm shocked.

[266] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[267] Absolutely.

[268] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[269] Exactly.

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[285] Goodbye.

[286] Georgia, what if I told you we could be transported to the 1920s to solve a murder?

[287] I'd say my entire life and wardrobe have led me to this point.

[288] If you want to escape to a bygone age of mystery, danger, and romance, then check out June's Journey, the Hidden Object mystery game that tests your detective skills.

[289] June's Journey is a mobile mystery game that follows June Parker and New York socialite living in London.

[290] As June Parker, you'll investigate beautifully detailed scenes of the 1920s while uncovering the mystery of her sister's murder.

[291] There are twists, turns, and catchy tunes, all leading you deeper into the thrilling.

[292] storyline.

[293] And if you play well enough, you could make it to the detective club where you can chat with other players and either team up with them or compete against them.

[294] June needs your help, but watch out.

[295] You never know which character might be a villain.

[296] Find out as you escape this world and dive into June's world of mystery, murder, and romance.

[297] Can you crack the case?

[298] Download June's Journey for free today on iOS and Android.

[299] Discover your inner detective when you download June's Journey for free today on iOS and Android.

[300] That's June's Journey.

[301] Download the game for free on iOS and Android.

[302] Goodbye.

[303] This is a lighthearted one that really veers from the standard norm.

[304] If you have children in the car and you're listening to this, this is definitely rated NC17.

[305] Fun.

[306] Ex -husband.

[307] Stephen, plug your ears.

[308] Stephen.

[309] Stephen, get out of the room, but keep it recording.

[310] The subject line of this is ex -husband's grandpa's porn.

[311] Oh, dear.

[312] Okay.

[313] Hey, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and assorted animals.

[314] Before I got married, in parentheses, never again, my now ex and I moved into his parents' in -law apartment in their house.

[315] Also a bad idea.

[316] His paternal grandparents lived there previously and had passed away, and some of their items were left in the apartment.

[317] My ex was unpacking the linen closet and suddenly started yelling for me to come upstairs.

[318] When I came up, he was pissing his pants laughing and holding an old VHS tape in his hands.

[319] Apparently, he found a box of tapes at the bottom of the closet.

[320] He remembered that his grandpa took tons of photos and had a camcorder running all the time.

[321] My ex said he was wondering what nostalgic footage he would find and he was planning on hooking up an old VCR to watch it when he flipped the first tape over to read the handwritten label.

[322] Instead of seeing Baby's First Christmas or Uncle Fred and Aunt Jane's wedding, he saw printed neatly in his grandfather's handwriting big tits and pink clits.

[323] We both fucking died.

[324] We both fucking died laughing and I was tempted to include the anecdote in my speech at the upcoming wedding but his parents would have spontaneously combusted so I was sworn to secrecy but I'm divorced now so fuck it stay sexy and get rid of your porn before your grandchildren find it Laura oh or don't and like what if that was just really was just like a baby's birthday but he was like I'm gonna fuck with my grandkids when they go through my shit oh my god that would be fucking hilarious he's maybe he's a little older maybe he's going a little organic in the brain.

[325] He's like, this is funny.

[326] I don't care.

[327] There's what they get for looking through my thing.

[328] That is, wow.

[329] Most, uh, that's our new t -shirt.

[330] I mean, for real.

[331] It's so, it's so disturbing.

[332] I won't repeat it.

[333] But you'll see it in our merch store.

[334] The t -shirt we're going to get made is going to be an old, the drawing of a very old man's hand holding a VHS.

[335] And the writing's to be really small so you can't see it unless you're close.

[336] Yeah.

[337] Okay, I love it.

[338] God.

[339] Damn, that made me laugh.

[340] Can I just do a real quick one?

[341] Please.

[342] This one's called, my grandmother bit a Nazi.

[343] Yes.

[344] I feel like we all, it's like a good time in our lives.

[345] Hell's.

[346] Yeah.

[347] Hello, long time listener, first time writer.

[348] My grandmother, Wilma, grew up in Germany in World War II.

[349] Some of the families in her community took turns hiding a box in their houses.

[350] This box contained valuables that belong to the Jewish, other Jewish families in town.

[351] Once the Nazi soldiers heard of this, they wanted to put a stop to it.

[352] When the soldiers came to my grandmother's door, her dog was barking.

[353] This gets sad.

[354] So a fucking Nazi shot and killed her Yep.

[355] Wilma, who was 10 to 12 years old at this time, was so upset she bit the Nazi.

[356] Yes.

[357] Her family was punished and she eventually was able to flee to England before settling in Canada.

[358] She never spoke much about her childhood, but someone from a community paper interviewed her and published her story in a paper.

[359] I thought you would like the story about a badass little girl biting a Nazi, Aaron.

[360] Now I'm crying.

[361] Now I'm crying.

[362] I hate Nazi so much.

[363] Also, it's just like, think of any fucking World War II Nazi movie that you've seen and how oppressive and awful their presence is and they go into these towns and take over and fucking turn people against each other and they're monsters.

[364] And this little girl is just like, you fucking killed my dog.

[365] I don't give a shit what you do.

[366] Yeah.

[367] I'm going to do the only thing I can.

[368] I'm going to bite you.

[369] And you fucking deserve it.

[370] You goddamn Nazi.

[371] I love Wilma Wilma I also love it's that's such a great idea that like then she emigrates to England she emigrates to Canada she fucking lives her private life and then somebody sits her down and goes hey what's give me some highlights have any stories?

[372] She's like yeah I got a story for you I've been a Nazi once yeah as a child and I'm here to tell the tale so it's the subject line is golf wielding grandmother lighthearted great um hi karen georgia stephen and animals i stumbled upon your show recently and it has made my commute to work in law school so much more enjoyable i did the um i did make the mistake of listening to your episode about the leaf man too close to bedtime and ended up sleeping with the lights on because obviously murderers wait until you turn them off but otherwise i'm so impressed with your wonderful mix of humor and tragedy with these dark and fascinating stories thanks thanks my hometown isn't about a murder but an an attempted robbery.

[373] One day my grandma phoned to say that she was in the hospital for a broken arm, which on its face seems rather ordinary.

[374] However, the story comes out that my grandma woke up in the middle of the night to noises coming from down the hall.

[375] She lives alone and doesn't have any pet, so she knew something was up.

[376] Naturally, she grabs one of my grandpa's old golf club sneaks out of her room to investigate and finds a large man rifling through her things in the living room.

[377] At this point, most people would call for help, but apparently my badass grandma thought that she would handle the situation on our own.

[378] After all, she had lived through World War II in Latvia.

[379] That's where my family's from.

[380] Is that right?

[381] Yes.

[382] Fuck, yeah.

[383] So she was forced to flee to the U .S. as a teenager after some of her family were killed.

[384] Yeah, she doesn't fuck around.

[385] She's not fucking around.

[386] She doesn't scare easy.

[387] So she looked around her house to make sure the man was alone, smart, popped out with her golf club raised and started beating the thief over the head while shouting at him in Latvian.

[388] Good girl!

[389] He was so startled and probably concussed that he dropped what he grabbed, resisted the grandma attack very briefly, which is when my grandma's arm was broken, and then fled into the night.

[390] He was never caught by the police, but thankfully, he also never returned.

[391] Afterwards, my mom gave my grandma a lecture about the importance of calling the cops, the risks of attacking intruders without knowing if they are armed or not, and how she could have made an escape instead.

[392] My grandma promised that she would be more responsible, but when we visited her next, we discovered that she had placed a golf club in every room of her house.

[393] Oh, Grandma!

[394] Anyways, you're awesome, so make sure you stay sexy and always carry a golf club.

[395] Love Erica.

[396] Oh, my God.

[397] Fuck, yeah, Latvia and Grandma doesn't take shit.

[398] She couldn't have hit that hard with that, right?

[399] Like, I mean, no. I feel just surprised the shit out of this dude.

[400] Yeah.

[401] Well, it probably hurt and maybe, like, knocked him a little senseless, but, yeah.

[402] And then also this woman's screaming at you in a foreign language.

[403] Yeah.

[404] Wow.

[405] That's so good.

[406] Incredible.

[407] I like that one.

[408] Yeah, I did too.

[409] Those were all amazing.

[410] Those were great.

[411] And listen, any story you have that's fucking crazy, just send them to us.

[412] My favorite murder at Gmail.

[413] And stay sexy.

[414] And don't get murdered.

[415] Goodbye.

[416] Goodbye.

[417] Elvis, you want a cookie?

[418] Good boy.

[419] Nice one.