LIVE FROM DENVER: Monica Padman

[0] Monica don't like boys, Monica love boys.

[1] Monica don't like boys.

[2] Monica don't like boys.

[3] Monica love like boys.

[4] Monica love.

[5] You guys, we're so excited to be in Denver.

[6] Also, Rocky Mountain High.

[7] Okay, so I've got bad news and awesome news for you.

[8] Bad news first, I think that's the way to do it.

[9] usually I blast someone with a t -shirt can in the front row and that kind of gets the bad news out of the way so our guest was flying here from Florida today and all the flights in Florida got canceled that's the bad news but what a great opportunity because our number one most requested guests of all time is also my soulmate she's also a woodland creature Weston I Monica get all these people People.

[10] They're all so good -looking.

[11] They're so beautiful.

[12] Yeah.

[13] A lot of good -looking folks.

[14] So, yeah, our guest is not here, so I am the guest today.

[15] Guys, this is really a special opportunity because she's the most number one requested guest, and we've not given it to anybody, and we're going to give it to you tonight.

[16] And you guys, Monica murdered somebody in her past.

[17] You'll be the first to hear the gory details.

[18] She's also going to be drinking on stage, which she's never done.

[19] done.

[20] So tonight she's going to black out about a 45 minute marker and we're going to get all the deets.

[21] Also, I just want to thank the fun, the kind folks at lazy boy who always, what they do is they make sure I'm always comfortable in a lazy boy.

[22] And then we donate this to Habitat for Humanity.

[23] I want to thank lazy boy too.

[24] Just a second tier plan I have is when she does get a little loose, if anyone here's got Molly, bring it on up and let's just see what the little maximum mouse does.

[25] MDMA.

[26] All right.

[27] Minature mouse, please join me. Oh yeah, yeah, why don't you blast a couple.

[28] Yeah, here we go.

[29] Yeah, just bang a couple of those out there while I suck down some Red Bull.

[30] There's nothing hotter than a woman with an air cannon.

[31] Go for broke.

[32] Give it hell.

[33] Oh, yeah.

[34] How was the show?

[35] I don't know.

[36] I guess it wasn't what I was expecting.

[37] You would think there'd be a guest.

[38] There wasn't.

[39] They shot a T -shirt cannon.

[40] She got drunk, and then I guess we went home.

[41] Well, I just want to say Monica Lily Padman.

[42] Dax Randall Shepard.

[43] Born August 24th, 1987, the Year of Her Lord.

[44] Correct.

[45] A tiny, beautiful brown baby came into this world.

[46] Immediately to Duluth, Georgia.

[47] North Cross Georgia Dogs Go dogs Am I doing it right Dogs Sure Is that it?

[48] That was embarrassing No no no no I'm gonna look you directly in the eyes Look at me directly And that's Arfoffo Yeah rough Very rough I didn't like that at all So People probably have You know they've gotten bits and pieces here and there About your journey Bits Lady Bits Yeah Some people are looking For more of those lady bits Some of the Bachelors we got a guy in 13C over there that looks pretty ready to party.

[49] Yeah, well.

[50] Meet me after.

[51] Now, a lot of this stuff people will know, and some of it they won't, but your parents, and I get this confused often, because I like to call you first generation, but you're really 1 .5 generation.

[52] Is that accurate?

[53] Well, we have a hard time designating the actual level of generation.

[54] Yes.

[55] But yes, both my parents were born in India.

[56] See, that to me right there makes it your first generation, just because she grew up in Savannah.

[57] She still came here at six or something, right?

[58] It's true, but because she moved when she was six, it's kind of tricky.

[59] It feels dicey for you.

[60] It feels hard for me to wrap my head around.

[61] The first time I met Nirmala was in Georgia, and I knew that she was born in India, and so I was expecting maybe something.

[62] And then, in fact, she said, Hadex, nice to meet you.

[63] And I said, oh, mom's got a thick old southern accent, doesn't you?

[64] Didn't she?

[65] And that's kind of the first time you realized that she had that.

[66] Yes, this was maybe five years ago, and I had no idea she had a Southern accent up until then.

[67] I was like, I don't think so.

[68] And then I really started listening, and I was like, I guess you're right.

[69] You were just happy she didn't have dad's accent.

[70] Probably.

[71] I thought she didn't have an accent at all, because my dad did have an Indian accent.

[72] She sounds like she's in the movie Deliverance, but that's neither here nor there.

[73] She's a wonderful, beautiful woman, and very, intelligent and a computer programmer, and we love her.

[74] Yeah, we love her.

[75] Why were mom and dad in Georgia?

[76] My mom's dad is a professor.

[77] Mm -hmm.

[78] So he worked in Georgia.

[79] He worked at Savannah State College as a biology professor.

[80] Mm -hmm.

[81] So that's what brought them there.

[82] Okay, and why did your dad end up in Georgia?

[83] For my mom.

[84] Oh, he did?

[85] Mm -hmm.

[86] He came there specifically for her.

[87] Yeah.

[88] He had seen a photograph of her or...

[89] No, no, no, no. Oh, oh, yoy, this is horrible.

[90] This is already horrible.

[91] It's already too vulnerable for me. No, my dad's sister and my mom's father.

[92] Okay.

[93] Worked together.

[94] And then they were introduced, and then they decided they were going to get married.

[95] Not too long after that.

[96] What's not too long?

[97] Like a couple weeks?

[98] No, no. Summer?

[99] Probably a year.

[100] Oh, a year?

[101] Okay.

[102] Yeah.

[103] Okay.

[104] Again, sort of, I would say, halfway.

[105] Everything's sort of halfway.

[106] It's a 0 .5 arranged.

[107] Yeah, it's 0 .5.

[108] Was any money exchanged?

[109] No. Okay, okay.

[110] Again, I don't want to perpetuate any stereotypes.

[111] I'm just curious.

[112] I don't know how it works.

[113] That's why I'm asking.

[114] I don't think there's money arranged and arranged marriages now.

[115] Okay.

[116] I mean, even because they do.

[117] They're slashing prices on arranged marriages.

[118] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[119] It's a real bargain.

[120] They've gotten very affordable.

[121] They're like cell phones and big screen TVs.

[122] Bargain shopping.

[123] The Chinese are making them now.

[124] We're all benefiting from it.

[125] That's also, by the way, the first time I've ever said that they were kind of arranged.

[126] Oh, really?

[127] Mm -hmm.

[128] Okay.

[129] Well, you can edit that out.

[130] Here's the best part.

[131] That's true.

[132] Yeah.

[133] This episode's going to be seven minutes long when it airs because I get to decide what stays in.

[134] Only y 'all will know.

[135] So.

[136] So.

[137] They waited a little while, though, before they had you, yeah?

[138] They were married for a minute?

[139] Yep.

[140] Yeah.

[141] Yeah, they were hanging out.

[142] Okay, and then they had you, and I've seen pictures of you, and you were the cutest little curly -haired baby.

[143] I wish we had a big thing.

[144] Why do we even bring it up?

[145] I can't show you.

[146] Bring it out, Rob.

[147] We'll post a picture of you on Instagram, and your little white dress.

[148] You look like an absolute idiot.

[149] Big curly hair, big round eyes.

[150] That's true.

[151] And were you always precocious?

[152] Excuse me?

[153] I don't think so.

[154] Well, let me just say you're a boss.

[155] And I mean this.

[156] Thank you.

[157] I tip my hat to you.

[158] Thank you.

[159] Okay.

[160] I take that as a compliment.

[161] You're a bad motherfucker.

[162] And I just wonder when the bad motherfuckerness started.

[163] Oh, interesting.

[164] No, I don't think so.

[165] Because I spent a lot of my early life just trying to fit in.

[166] Mm -hmm.

[167] And you don't really score points if you're a boss at that age.

[168] Like, then you're standing out and that doesn't bode well.

[169] Not in your peer group, but at home you've been a boss.

[170] You're yelling.

[171] Oh, yes, always.

[172] Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[173] A little tyrant.

[174] Oh, God, yeah.

[175] Yeah, when did that start?

[176] Right out of the gates.

[177] Day one, I think.

[178] We'd have to ask my mom and dad, but I don't remember.

[179] So that little white dress was probably the fourth option.

[180] You probably made them put you in many before that.

[181] I'm sure I complained about what they had offered me, and I demanded a very specific white dress from a very specific store.

[182] Yes, exclusive.

[183] It had to be exclusive.

[184] And at what age?

[185] Does it start occurring to you, hmm, I'm brown, everyone else is white.

[186] Is that a quick realization or is that something that hits in first grade, second grade?

[187] Well, hmm, that's a really...

[188] What if you stood up and screamed right now?

[189] What?

[190] I'm brown.

[191] Wait.

[192] Excuse me?

[193] Like the jerk.

[194] Oh, is that what this is?

[195] I thought it would rub off.

[196] I would.

[197] wished.

[198] She's teasing.

[199] We love anyways.

[200] I got scared.

[201] Well, not teasing.

[202] Well, you're teasing.

[203] You're teasing.

[204] I'm teasing.

[205] I love everybody.

[206] I do love everybody, but I have to be honest about how I felt.

[207] Yeah, so what age do you start getting aware of it?

[208] So my best friend was my neighbor who was white, white.

[209] White, titanium white.

[210] Yes.

[211] Yeah.

[212] Um.

[213] A honky, a cracker, a devil, a blue -eyed devil.

[214] You know what?

[215] She was not.

[216] She was Jewish.

[217] An Indian girl and a Jewish girl.

[218] Oh, my goodness.

[219] It's the beginning of a bad joke.

[220] I don't even know what to say hide.

[221] Indian girl and the Jewish girl.

[222] Hide your, I don't know.

[223] I don't know either.

[224] We don't need to investigate.

[225] What do you guys take?

[226] Okay.

[227] Anyway, so really early on, yeah, probably five or something.

[228] Five.

[229] As soon as I started being around other kids, which I went to daycare really early on.

[230] Oh, boy.

[231] Something happened with the sound.

[232] Oh.

[233] Is everyone okay?

[234] No, your wine is just sitting in.

[235] Yeah.

[236] Oh, great, right, right.

[237] No, so...

[238] Everything's fine.

[239] You're in Denver, Colorado.

[240] It's a mile high city.

[241] It's time to pop that Molly.

[242] They've never had a U .S. president or vice president born here.

[243] Oh.

[244] The steps at the state capital measure at 5 ,280 feet.

[245] It's actually one mile high.

[246] Wow.

[247] What other weird facts did I learn about Colorado and Denver today?

[248] Remember I went through them Yeah there was another good one A little disappointed to be honest I love this date I've always come here to go skiing What a beautiful outdoorsy Great place Little disappointing with the weird facts If you type in weird facts about Denver Bubkiss nothing You'll be asleep by the fourth fact Well there was an interesting thing about the word cheeseburger It was invented here That was coined here But let's be clear The cheeseburger wasn't invented here Just calling it a cheese burger was invented here, which begs the question where are they just calling it burger cheese?

[249] Yeah, burger with cheese.

[250] Two burger cheese, one burger, one burger with cheese.

[251] Yeah, it's a mouthful.

[252] It is.

[253] It's too much.

[254] It's too much.

[255] But anyway, still a feather in the cap of all Denverans.

[256] Yeah.

[257] Also, first to legalize, that wasn't even in the weird facts it should have been.

[258] That's fun, especially on the Eva 420.

[259] I hope a lot of you guys know.

[260] You never leave your bed tomorrow.

[261] Yeah.

[262] You guys really set the bar for the rest of us.

[263] We're happy to meet you there.

[264] I thought for a second today that it was going to overlap perfectly with Easter, and I was so excited for stoners.

[265] I was like, oh, if they had like a double holiday that was centered around eating fucking chocolate and finding little colorful eggs.

[266] Going on a hunt.

[267] And playing with loose, plasticy grass.

[268] Yeah.

[269] Someone shows up in bunny ears.

[270] Oh, yeah.

[271] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[272] So close.

[273] I don't know the history of 420, but if they've over -over -laped.

[274] I'll have to look.

[275] But anyways, that's fortuitous times that we're here.

[276] Continue.

[277] Is this what we do?

[278] This is what we do to guess.

[279] We totally distract them, and they have to give them credit.

[280] Now, you notice everyone's white.

[281] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[282] That's right.

[283] Yes, everyone's white at daycare.

[284] Pretty obvious.

[285] Yeah.

[286] There's a lot of white people in Georgia.

[287] Someone say too many white people.

[288] I wouldn't say that.

[289] Some people might say that, yeah.

[290] But you early on picked the path of assimilation.

[291] Yeah, I did.

[292] It wasn't like I really ever made a choice.

[293] It wasn't like there was a group of people who were Indian.

[294] Yeah.

[295] That I was like, oh, do I want to be friends with these people?

[296] Or do I want to be, right?

[297] It wasn't even an option.

[298] So really I was just trying to.

[299] trying to make as many friends as possible, like everyone is doing.

[300] Yes.

[301] But I knew that that required me sort of setting aside a big part of myself.

[302] Well, I thought that.

[303] I don't know that that was necessarily true, that I needed to do that, but I did do that.

[304] Well, I think that's what's the really fun part about your story, my story, almost everyone's story, is you have these truths, you tell yourself when you're young, and then everywhere you look, you confirm it.

[305] you're picking up clues to confirm this narrative you're telling yourself and then it's not to you're like much older yes we're like oh hmm maybe not maybe maybe imagine some of that maybe someone's a big waste of time or yeah like i lived my life for many years as if i was preparing to get attacked by a motorcycle gang at all times i know this i know this about you although that happened on occasion it wasn't something i needed to think about hourly it probably happened on occasion because you were seeking it out in some way.

[306] Yes.

[307] A hundred percent.

[308] Yeah.

[309] It was not happening to you.

[310] So you did great with the girls, though.

[311] You had a meet, you were very, I don't want to go too far, but you were popular.

[312] I was well liked, yeah.

[313] There we go.

[314] I was.

[315] That's the humble way to say popular.

[316] Well, no, because I wasn't the most popular girl in school by any means, but almost everyone liked me, yeah.

[317] Yeah, you're very likable.

[318] And I was in a lot of groups.

[319] I was a cheerleader, I was in theater, I was in, I guess I'll, I guess what we would have been called was a scholar athlete, okay?

[320] Okay, so scholar athlete.

[321] Okay, scholar athlete, all right.

[322] Now, when it came to boys, though, because Monica loves boys, if she loves one thing, it's boys, she loves boys.

[323] Yeah Blug, glug, glug, glug, glug, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.

[324] It's hard to drink it with this big stick right here In my way I don't love it I'm sorry, it's so difficult for you to drink your wine Yeah, here's a crazy idea, what about your other hand?

[325] Okay, oh, look at that!

[326] I'm not a lefty, it's hard Here's an insane idea, use the side of your body that doesn't have a microphone in front of it.

[327] So, here's where we're going to get to kind of a tragic part of the story.

[328] In a Disney story, this is where the parents would go on a sailing trip, and they would not return.

[329] Yeah.

[330] Her parents return.

[331] My parents are great.

[332] They're great.

[333] Hold on.

[334] I might have oversold that.

[335] Okay.

[336] Yeah.

[337] So you liked a boy a lot.

[338] There was a boy you had a crush on.

[339] Yeah, in sixth grade.

[340] And what was his name?

[341] He might live here.

[342] Okay, let's give him a pseudonym.

[343] Fabio?

[344] Sure.

[345] Should I say his name?

[346] Chris Pine.

[347] His name?

[348] Yeah.

[349] And I don't think anything came of him.

[350] You're getting the last laugh, and you were pretty sure he liked you, right?

[351] Yes.

[352] So, yes.

[353] Chris Pine was very good friends with two of my very good friends.

[354] And so there was a lot of mutual hanging out, and these other friends were going out, going steady.

[355] We were at the pool one day.

[356] It's kind of already structured as a double date in a sense, right?

[357] Because one's a couple and you guys are circling each other like two game cocks.

[358] Yeah.

[359] In heat.

[360] And my friend pulled Chris Pine aside and said, hey, why don't you ask Monica to be your girlfriend?

[361] And he was like, well, I would, but her parents work at Dairy Queen.

[362] Which, I don't know if this makes sense to anyone here.

[363] It didn't make sense to me when I heard it, because in Michigan, teenagers ran Dairy Queen.

[364] Right.

[365] I mean, I'm talking 11 -year -olds.

[366] I was just back home with my daughter and a fucking prepubescent fifth -glader was running Dairy Queen.

[367] So when you heard that, you thought I was saying, like, her parents are children?

[368] Right.

[369] What?

[370] Yes.

[371] They're immature.

[372] They have braces, and they can barely count the money.

[373] And yet they're running the estate.

[374] No, no. But in Georgia, there was a stereotype that only Indians own dairy queens.

[375] Well, we had one dairy queen, and an Indian family ran it.

[376] Well, it'd be safe to assume that all the other dairy queens were run that way.

[377] I mean, you can't blame anyone for that.

[378] You see one dairy queen run by Indians.

[379] You're like, oh, I guess they're running all the dairy queens.

[380] I guess that is sixth grade logic, yeah.

[381] Like I saw a guy in a wheelchair.

[382] Or 44 -year -old logic, maybe.

[383] Saw a guy in a...

[384] I can't even do it.

[385] Go ahead.

[386] What, do it.

[387] I was just going to say, I saw a guy in a wheelchair that was owned a McDonald's, and I said the only people, yeah, it's terrible.

[388] I'm bailing out.

[389] Go ahead.

[390] Back pedal, back pedal, back pedal.

[391] Eye patch.

[392] I patch would have been a fine joke.

[393] We can laugh at someone with an eyepatch.

[394] Oh, sure.

[395] We can't laugh at someone in a wheelchair.

[396] Sure.

[397] Because eyepatch seems temporary.

[398] You've got to pick your disability.

[399] Yeah.

[400] Yes.

[401] someone with rosacea was running a Arby's and I thought oh they only franchised people with yeah with redness dermatitis yeah I can say that because I have psoriasis so cute anyway yeah so he was saying that he couldn't ask me to be his girlfriend because my parents were Indian In fact, Ashok was a civil engineer, and mom was a computer programmer.

[402] Yes, they did not work at Dairy Queen.

[403] There's no way this motherfucker ended up dating someone with two parents doing something better than that.

[404] Let me just tell you right now.

[405] There's no way.

[406] Yeah, probably not.

[407] This guy shit the bed.

[408] He could be Scrooge McDucking it right now through a big pool of gold coins, but no. Well?

[409] He went with a white girl whose parents ran the grocery store.

[410] Okay, well, let's not be too harsh.

[411] Yeah.

[412] Oh my gosh, I read you a note I wrote to him, right?

[413] It was so, by the way, guys, this blew my mind.

[414] It was so forward.

[415] Well, I didn't, I didn't send it.

[416] Oh, you didn't?

[417] No, that's why I still have it.

[418] Yeah.

[419] You weren't like, wasn't like 1800s you wrote two fucking, guys, just for one second.

[420] Can you play, that's how people made copies?

[421] I know.

[422] Who needs a copy that bad?

[423] Never would I write the same thing twice.

[424] I don't care if it was a wedding certificate, a birth certificate, nothing would be important enough.

[425] No. Will, one copy, hope it doesn't burn.

[426] Yeah, that's why fires were such a big deal.

[427] Sure, Chicago, the great Chicago fire.

[428] The great one.

[429] It was great.

[430] Let's do two minutes of sight.

[431] It was great.

[432] I don't know that's how they saw it, but.

[433] Well, they weren't as good at naming things as Denver.

[434] It did lead to a building revolution of cement.

[435] Right.

[436] Yeah.

[437] So this note, you wrote...

[438] Oh, yeah.

[439] I wrote him a note that I didn't send, but it did have a line in it that said, did it say, I want to...

[440] Touch your butt?

[441] I want to touch your butt.

[442] And I did.

[443] I did want to.

[444] You were a bona fide perv.

[445] I was a perv.

[446] I've got no ground to speak for sixth grade girls, but I don't know many of them were writing notes about getting their hands on someone's glutamus maximus.

[447] It was specific.

[448] Were they popping?

[449] banging?

[450] Did he have junk in the trunk or was it just flat white guy's butt?

[451] But anything would have looked great.

[452] I think he wore pretty baggy pants, so I couldn't have seen much.

[453] Maybe it was more just you wanted to answer the question.

[454] Yeah.

[455] It was a mystery.

[456] Yeah.

[457] Still is.

[458] Yeah.

[459] So you wrote a note that said, I want to touch your butt.

[460] Yeah.

[461] And you really, really, you loved him.

[462] And it was...

[463] I did.

[464] Now, here's where I'm being serious.

[465] This became a rail in life.

[466] It really did.

[467] It was a sort of watershed moment.

[468] Because Monica, you hear us argue a lot, but what you don't hear is our most common argument is me telling her, that guy liked you.

[469] Did you not notice that guy liked you?

[470] And Monica was like, no, we had a fucking guy.

[471] He drove 300 miles.

[472] He had a sign big as a fucking tent that said, I love you, Monica.

[473] I love you as much as Dax like saying he has an anthropology degree.

[474] So creative.

[475] It was so good.

[476] I liked it because it was kind of an alpha challenge to me. And I was like, you've earned this shot at Monica.

[477] Young Buck.

[478] Give it a shot, Stagg.

[479] By the way, the guy was a bona fide 9 .7.

[480] He was in the Air Force.

[481] 24, built like a brick shit house.

[482] Oh, yeah.

[483] tall glass of white milk just what the doctor ordered and the whole ride home's like he was just trying to be funny I'm like no one goes fucking 300 miles to make a joke that's never happened I got something funny to say I'm gonna drive all night long to say it you go you drive that distance for love no okay still no yeah still no he also came to another show he came to a second show this motherfucker's probably tonight.

[484] Oh, I hope he is.

[485] He was committing to his bit, and I appreciate that.

[486] But, no. So most of our arguments have been about the fact that she thinks no boys liked her, and my theory is a ton of boys liked her, but the first situation was so heartbreaking that something kind of clicked that you were not willing to.

[487] Because you've got to play a game.

[488] There's a fun cat and mouse game that goes on when you look at someone and they look at you too long.

[489] That was awkward.

[490] Are they casing me or do they like me and then you throw it back?

[491] You got to throw it back.

[492] If I look at Monica Padman and she's like, I'm out.

[493] It's also a strategy.

[494] It's called Hard to get, but okay.

[495] Oh, okay.

[496] Well.

[497] That's not what I was doing.

[498] There were multiple incidents.

[499] What was another one?

[500] I mean, There were just boys I liked that information would get passed through the grapevine.

[501] You didn't have this same friend ask on your behalf again, did you?

[502] Probably.

[503] I'm very loyal to my friends, so.

[504] She did not do a great job.

[505] She did a great job.

[506] Okay, let's just roll play.

[507] Why don't you ask Monica out?

[508] Ugh, that girl?

[509] I can't.

[510] I like her, but her parents work a dairy queen, so.

[511] Are you a fucking dumbass?

[512] Her dad is a fucking engineer.

[513] Her mom's a computer programmer.

[514] You're a piece of shit.

[515] You'd be lucky.

[516] You'd be so lucky if she said yes.

[517] Thank you.

[518] Let's be fair to an 11 -year -old girl.

[519] No, no, no, no. That she probably didn't have the capacity to do that.

[520] No. She was old enough to have a boyfriend at the swimming pool.

[521] She could have had your back a little better.

[522] Yeah, they were doing stuff.

[523] I'll tell you what my 11 -year -olds aren't going to be doing.

[524] Fucking swim dates.

[525] They already are.

[526] You're right.

[527] I think my girls are the aggressors, though, so...

[528] Yeah, we have nothing to worry about.

[529] Yeah.

[530] They got their old man's horniness.

[531] It's funny because it's true.

[532] Now, at a certain point, because you showed your colors in sixth grade.

[533] Yeah.

[534] You're a horny purve.

[535] You want to touch some buns.

[536] Yeah, sure.

[537] You had an unbridled fire inside of you, an inferno of passion and lust.

[538] Okay.

[539] Unsatiated.

[540] Wow.

[541] And then you turn that on these two unsuspecting guys from Boston.

[542] I do.

[543] You did.

[544] When did it start?

[545] It's so sad when we really lay it out like this.

[546] No, no, no. No, it is.

[547] Yeah, in eighth grade, I watched Goodwill Hunting.

[548] And fell madly in love with those two.

[549] And both at the same time.

[550] Yeah.

[551] I will not choose.

[552] Uh -huh.

[553] Well, I one time suggested, what if you were on a boat with both of them?

[554] And you just stayed in the state room.

[555] Yeah.

[556] And they came in and out as they pleased.

[557] Yeah.

[558] And you almost lost consciousness at the thought of that.

[559] It would be a good vacation, yeah.

[560] Yeah, I would like it.

[561] I would like it.

[562] Yeah.

[563] You fall in love with those guys.

[564] Yes.

[565] I put my love in a safe place.

[566] Right.

[567] Yeah.

[568] I did.

[569] Right.

[570] Stay tuned for more live show after this exciting commercial break.

[571] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[572] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[573] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[574] And now is a part of the story that Monica's a little nervous to bring out.

[575] But I've assured her that this is the most endearing.

[576] cutest thing I've ever heard in my life.

[577] At this age, I'd think it'd be better if you told it.

[578] But you started, Monica became attracted to boys, or at least would fantasize about boys, in the throes of a bad illness.

[579] That's not a joke.

[580] Okay.

[581] Most specifically, like, kind of a flu -like scenario, right?

[582] We, uh, I wish we had figured out a more tactical way to say it.

[583] There's really no way to soft -sail.

[584] There's no way.

[585] Yeah, it's really strange.

[586] It is.

[587] And it did happen really much earlier than that.

[588] Like, I would have fantasies about kids in my preschool.

[589] Oh, really?

[590] Preschool daycare.

[591] So I would have been, like, six.

[592] And you would fantasize that they would get sick and that you would help them, right?

[593] Yes.

[594] Oh my God, it's so off.

[595] It's so embarrassing.

[596] It's so wonderful and real and honest and beautiful and bizarre.

[597] You can't write something like that.

[598] I've seen a couple thousand movies in my life.

[599] Never was there a lead character who fantasized about helping a boy through diarrhea.

[600] It's so loving and tender and generous.

[601] Well, yeah.

[602] It's a nerd -chern.

[603] fantasy, but there is some sexuality that gets brought in.

[604] Yeah.

[605] So I've, of course, made her walk through this in meticulous detail with me. And generally it starts with nurturing, like, oh, Brandon, you're like rubbing his back, I assume, and maybe you touch his hair.

[606] Tell me, like, what are the steps?

[607] It's that, right?

[608] Yep.

[609] Like, what you would do if you were helping.

[610] someone who was sick, yeah.

[611] A child, yeah.

[612] Just a child, a loved one.

[613] Yes, a sex object.

[614] So you're, it's okay, everyone throws up.

[615] Oh, good.

[616] It's thinking you feel really uncomfortable talking about it.

[617] And then in a certain point, and then really quick, because I know this is another part of it, but I don't know if they are intertwined.

[618] Is crying?

[619] Oh, that's a big one.

[620] Yeah.

[621] That's a big arrive.

[622] No, no, no. They're normally not.

[623] crying while they're sick I don't think I had...

[624] That's too much to have going on.

[625] That's a lot.

[626] That's a lot.

[627] Yeah.

[628] It's one or the other.

[629] I did really love when I would see boys cry.

[630] Crying, yeah.

[631] Yeah.

[632] Okay, so really it's just the through line is vulnerability.

[633] I really was attracted to vulnerability and wanting to be there for someone when they were vulnerable.

[634] And I guess I did not have an outlet for that.

[635] And so was getting, like, really displaced and misplaced.

[636] But at a certain point, and I asked, again, I just, I'm a stickler for the details.

[637] Oh, of course.

[638] There's the, like, there's, it's okay.

[639] I was sick last week.

[640] This happens to everyone.

[641] Don't be embarrassed.

[642] And then there's, eventually you're hugging, right?

[643] You're, like, comforting.

[644] Yeah, we're, like, skin to skin.

[645] Yeah.

[646] And then, and this is a detail of the.

[647] fantasy that I don't know that you ever even thought about consciously was I was like does that lead to kissing and you said yeah I know look okay okay this fantasy has never come true by the way so it's not tonight 31 C yeah go eat some dicey food on the street no one is interested I saw some shrimp tacos down the block they looked very questionable dicey yeah so in the fantasy yeah What if you put Listeria pills in your date's drinks?

[648] Oh, good idea.

[649] Really good idea.

[650] But in the fantasy, you would kiss.

[651] Yeah.

[652] I didn't think, I really didn't.

[653] You didn't think about it, right?

[654] I didn't.

[655] You just swept up in the motion of it.

[656] Of course.

[657] Yeah, yeah.

[658] It's a fantasy.

[659] Are you bringing in the realistic elements into your fantasies that are like probably gross or negative?

[660] To a fault.

[661] You are?

[662] Yes.

[663] What?

[664] What do you mean?

[665] I'll be, I'll be pleasuring myself.

[666] And I, like, I'm working out some scenario, I think, is plausible.

[667] It has to be plausible.

[668] Like, I've never understood guys who masturbated to, like, a pinup poster.

[669] Like, you're not going to meet Heather LeBrock or whatever her name was.

[670] Kelly LeBrock.

[671] Heather Locklear, Kelly LeBrock.

[672] Come on.

[673] Suzanne Summers.

[674] Sure.

[675] You're not going to meet these people.

[676] Antonio Banderas.

[677] You really aged yourself.

[678] What are you even thinking about?

[679] First, I'd have to be like, okay, well, I'm on a trip to Hollywood.

[680] I do a studio tour.

[681] They show me the fall guy set.

[682] Heather Locklear walks out.

[683] She needs a light.

[684] I have one.

[685] Like, it's so, how the fuck am I going to land Heather Locklear?

[686] I had those with Ben and Matt.

[687] You do?

[688] Oh, yeah.

[689] I had.

[690] Like, I was camping and, you know, It's like, what?

[691] I hear something in the next tent.

[692] What is that?

[693] And then I open it and it's Matt at the fire.

[694] He happens to camp where I camp.

[695] That's dead real.

[696] When she would go camping with her girlfriend, she was convinced she was going to bump into Ben and Matt camping.

[697] I always thought there was a chance I would bump into them.

[698] Like always.

[699] At the mall, they could be in my city at the mall.

[700] And by the way, it happens.

[701] It happens.

[702] We are here tonight.

[703] We were at a restaurant.

[704] That could have happened to someone if you're somebody's Ben and Matt.

[705] I don't think I am.

[706] Yes, you are.

[707] Yes, you are.

[708] You're a lot of people's Ben and Matt.

[709] And it could happen.

[710] And it did happen to me. Much later when I was sort of done having this, when I moved to L .A., I was in my apartment and I heard a rustling outside.

[711] I opened my window and Sean Penn was standing outside my apartment.

[712] You expect that from Sean Penn. He's hung out with Hunter S. Thompson on the weekends.

[713] Yes, that dude shows up in your front yard.

[714] Well.

[715] So, in real life...

[716] In real life, yeah.

[717] You look outside, and Sean Academy Award winner, Sean Penn. A couple things.

[718] He was in your yard.

[719] Yeah.

[720] Was he delivering pizza?

[721] No. Okay.

[722] His daughter...

[723] Come to find out.

[724] Come to find out.

[725] Had moved in to my apartment complex, which is just...

[726] four apartments.

[727] A fourplex.

[728] It's a fourplex.

[729] Yeah, and his daughter had moved in with her friend and was living there for a little while.

[730] And another exciting installment of that story was maybe like the next day after I saw Sean Penn. I went to leave.

[731] I went to get my car and my car was blocked and I was super pissed because I had an improv show.

[732] I was like, oh, this is getting in the way of my career, and I ran upstairs to the neighbors and knocked on door, and I was like, did you guys block me in?

[733] And they were like, no, that's Zach Efron's car.

[734] And I was like, what?

[735] I'm not going to the improv show.

[736] I could care less.

[737] I am fully going to dive into Zach Ephron being at my apartment.

[738] Yes, and just ride that out.

[739] And he was dating my neighbor.

[740] And he was like around her?

[741] No, her apartment mate.

[742] He's got a temper Sean Penn. Okay.

[743] Well, that's enough about Sean Penn. Okay.

[744] I'm getting a little nervous.

[745] He's here.

[746] Anyways, what was your favorite part of Dead Man Walking?

[747] Sean Penn movie.

[748] Oh.

[749] I thought you were saying Goodwell hunting wrong on purpose.

[750] Oh, I would never do that to you.

[751] I know.

[752] That would mean so mean.

[753] No, yeah.

[754] Anyway, so the point is you can run into people in life.

[755] So keep that hope a lot.

[756] Okay, that's true.

[757] That's a good point.

[758] Oh, can I say one other thing about that apartment?

[759] That apartment is magic because when I started working for Kristen and Dax, I was in Kristen's, I was in her drawers and I found this stack of old driver's license.

[760] The one on top was from 10, 11 years ago, and Kristen lived in my apartment.

[761] Wow.

[762] The 10 years before I lived.

[763] lived there or knew her or any of it is crazy serendipitous yes okay back to ben and mad back to ben and mad yeah yes i have a bit of a theory about the fantasy of tending to someone in deep need of hell okay tell me because i and trevor robinson who's here he may remember you remember i had a step -sister for two years heather oh boy what a love triangle this was guys my mom met this dude they got married.

[764] We moved into their house.

[765] Heather was two years older than me. My brother was three years old and then her.

[766] She was head over heels in love with my brother.

[767] I was head over heels in love with her.

[768] And I think the older brother was in love with me. It was a real...

[769] It was a murky household.

[770] He was a soup.

[771] Yeah.

[772] But I used to have this fantasy all the time that I was going to be on the playground at Spring Mills Elementary and someone was going to be bullies.

[773] Heather.

[774] And I was going to punch this guy out and Heather was going to be like oh my God you are attractive.

[775] And the silliest part of the whole fantasy was my friend Clay Smaids would walk up at that time too just so everyone I loved would be there.

[776] That was all apart.

[777] I'd punch him out.

[778] Heather would like me. Clay would walk up.

[779] Like we were going to all pose for a pitcher now.

[780] But it's really telling because it was the only thing I could possibly imagine a value I could add.

[781] I had just figured out this would be the one scenario I could make her like me. And so I just wonder if you think that you would be so indispensable to somebody that needed help, that that would make them like you.

[782] And what's really sad about that is that neither of us thought they would just like us.

[783] We would have to do something preposterous like punch out a bully or mop up some vomit.

[784] Yeah, I'd have to be...

[785] Before anyone would really just like us.

[786] To notice, yeah.

[787] I don't like that.

[788] Well...

[789] You're the most likable person.

[790] Thanks.

[791] That's nice.

[792] So, you become obsessed with friends.

[793] I asked this question to Monica in total sincerity today at lunch.

[794] You were forced at gunpoint to give up either your college experience or your experience watching friends.

[795] It's a hard question to answer, And I picked, I picked, I would give up my college experience.

[796] Because friends had such a deep impact on me as a person that I think I would be losing a lot of myself if I gave that up.

[797] I'm so sad.

[798] Were you, it's really coming out.

[799] Were you modeling yourself after a specific friend?

[800] No, again, like Ben and Matt, I would never choose a friend.

[801] Okay, okay.

[802] never so just all you wanted to be all three of the ladies equally i didn't what is it one of them was dumb no no you mean phoebe yes one one played a dumb dumb well she was she wasn't dumb she was just kind of like an airhead is that better well she was just kind of a dumbass no stop oh leave her alone she was smart corky somebody said quirky and i liked that yeah next time i forget my keys somewhere i'm gonna be like i'm so corky no uh She was.

[803] Oh, you mean Joey.

[804] No, he was also a dumb ass, but that was a boy.

[805] He was the only one that played conventionally stupid.

[806] I've seen maybe three episodes of Friends Talks.

[807] Exactly, so I think I know better than you.

[808] And Phoebe in every episode was confused.

[809] No, she just...

[810] Am I crazy, or was she not always confused?

[811] No, she wasn't, guys, she wasn't stupid.

[812] She was just, like, kind of on another level.

[813] Oh, like a genius?

[814] She's loopy.

[815] She was, like, loopy.

[816] Okay.

[817] She was a genius.

[818] Okay.

[819] She was like a savant.

[820] She was living in New York on like a masseuse salary, so she's figured out something.

[821] So she gave hand jobs.

[822] Yeah, so that's clear.

[823] You're not making that kind of money, the traditional Swedish, okay?

[824] Don't talk about my friends like this.

[825] That's more of a Bob Kraft massage.

[826] Oh, topical.

[827] I feel so bad for that guy, by the way.

[828] Yes.

[829] The guy's a thousand years old.

[830] He got a tug and he's going down.

[831] Let the old man have a, what, 40 seconds of pleasure?

[832] That also tells you a lot.

[833] You tell yourself, if I had seven fucking Super Bowl rings, I'd feel all right.

[834] No, exactly.

[835] It's not enough.

[836] That dude still had to go to a strip mall and get a rubbing tug.

[837] That's the main takeaway.

[838] It is.

[839] That's how human we all are.

[840] I know.

[841] I know it.

[842] You get those Super Bowl rings on a, Sunday.

[843] By Wednesday, you're like, should I turn in?

[844] No, I shouldn't turn in.

[845] I'm eventually going to get caught.

[846] Am I going to get caught?

[847] I got kind of high profile.

[848] They don't know who I am.

[849] They hate me. They're from another country.

[850] They don't know who I am.

[851] It's also a good testament to the fact that everything is temporary.

[852] Like, when he's winning those Super Bowls, he's probably like, I'll never do that again.

[853] I will never do that.

[854] I am so happy.

[855] Superstitious like you and I. Yeah.

[856] I bet he didn't get a hand job for like three weeks leading up to the Super Bowl.

[857] I bet he was like, if I know if I get a hand job, we're going to lose the Super Bowl.

[858] Because Monica and I do these, we have the most preposterous superstitions.

[859] We bargain a lot with the universe a lot.

[860] That's right.

[861] Yeah.

[862] But what if he did get, what if he got a hand job before the Super Bowl?

[863] And then that's why he was like, oh, this works.

[864] Now I got to get these all the time.

[865] Now I got to keep doing it.

[866] Yeah.

[867] Hadn't even thought of that.

[868] Yeah.

[869] Yeah.

[870] No one has.

[871] Okay, so just hold on, though.

[872] Let's unpack Bob Crabb for two more seconds.

[873] You got an old -timer who got a hand job.

[874] He's also a millionaire.

[875] A billionaire.

[876] A billionaire.

[877] Well, he is a self -made billionaire.

[878] I'll add that.

[879] It's not like his dad owned a bunch of property in Queens.

[880] It's not like he took his dad's billion and turned it into $800 million, but that's a side note.

[881] I don't like to get political.

[882] I'm not sure that the billionaire and the hand job, like, that's sort of mutually exclusive.

[883] There were probably guys making minimum wage in the next bed over.

[884] Yeah.

[885] Yeah, it's a very democratizing experience.

[886] Yeah, you can make any amount of money and still want a hand job, probably.

[887] But back to the ethics of it.

[888] The issue is for the women, the women doing this.

[889] Okay, right.

[890] I'm so sorry I didn't think about that earlier.

[891] Let's argue about that.

[892] If I chose to give hand jobs.

[893] They're not empowered women making the decision.

[894] That's presumptuous.

[895] No, it's not.

[896] Hold on.

[897] Most certainly you're right in many cases.

[898] I'll own that.

[899] No one sat down with their career counselor and said, I want to stroke dog.

[900] White Lotus massage parlor.

[901] Got it.

[902] Yes.

[903] In theory, do you think someone should have the right to choose to fuck for money?

[904] Yes.

[905] Like, if I want to do that, and I have all of, you know, I...

[906] You feel empowered.

[907] I feel empowered.

[908] Yeah.

[909] Sure.

[910] Okay.

[911] We would have to meet the gal.

[912] Also, we know she stroke Bob Kraft.

[913] So you're like, couldn't have really wanted to do that.

[914] So I grant you that.

[915] Exactly.

[916] Yeah, she didn't jerk off Tom Brady.

[917] She's not, like, making decisions in there.

[918] She has, she feels like she has to.

[919] Yeah, if I want to do that, or I want to smell or not smell.

[920] Whoa.

[921] Would you comfort Bob Kraft if he was throwing up?

[922] Ew, no, I wouldn't know.

[923] What I'm saying is Bob Kraft, let's just say you would say he's a four for shits and giggles.

[924] If he was throwing up in Diorine, would he be a five or a six?

[925] No, no, no, no, no. That's fine.

[926] That's fine.

[927] Great.

[928] Put it to bed.

[929] They don't get hotter because that's happening.

[930] No. Is there already hot?

[931] We got a couple walkouts.

[932] We got a couple walkouts.

[933] Okay.

[934] I'm so sorry.

[935] If our original guest was here, we would never would have been talking about this.

[936] You would have, like, learned self -improvement and all left better, but now you're going to leave worse, so.

[937] Yeah.

[938] Well, yeah.

[939] Many of you will be masturbating to the thought of someone with the flu tonight.

[940] Just to try it out.

[941] Maybe she's on to something.

[942] Just try it.

[943] I don't know.

[944] Just see.

[945] Here's all I want to say.

[946] Okay.

[947] I think we should police ourselves when we get too excited that someone's failed publicly.

[948] I agree with that.

[949] Because we're all pieces of shit.

[950] We're all fallible.

[951] And we all fuck up.

[952] We do.

[953] If everyone peaked into our lives, it'd be trouble.

[954] Yeah.

[955] If everyone had a magnifying glass, there'd always be something.

[956] So that's all I'm saying.

[957] I see the human guy who's fuck, his life's over for that terrible hand job.

[958] I guarantee it was one of the worst he ever had.

[959] Hey.

[960] Well, there was no love.

[961] That's what makes the hand job good.

[962] That's what makes the hand job go around.

[963] All right.

[964] Okay.

[965] Okay, I want to get back down to the Friends.

[966] Okay.

[967] So you love Friends.

[968] Yeah.

[969] You give up your college experience.

[970] Yeah.

[971] And just really quick, walk them through the last episode of Friends.

[972] Oh, my God.

[973] Yeah.

[974] PTSD, thinking about that.

[975] It was like months of preparing, mentally preparing.

[976] So I had every episode of Friends recorded on VHS tapes because this was before DVDs.

[977] and I had a color -coded system for season, and I had 32 tapes.

[978] It was like a real pride and joy for me. So I was really upset and...

[979] Let me just lay out the stakes.

[980] The next day was the test to pass AP.

[981] U .S. history.

[982] It was my AP exam was the next day.

[983] So all of my friends are doing the right thing, and they're in study groups, and they're like, you know, doing practice tests all night, And I am like, Binder is in the book bag, not looking at it, don't care.

[984] Preparing for this friend's...

[985] Did you make a special meal or anything?

[986] No, I just stayed in my room.

[987] I closed the door.

[988] I was by myself.

[989] I also do think I had a couple friends who, like, got together to watch it.

[990] And I was invited, and I was like, no, I need to be by myself.

[991] Okay, sure.

[992] Some things you got to do on your own.

[993] That's right.

[994] That's right.

[995] So I watched it, and it was so emotional.

[996] You cried a bunch.

[997] Oh, yeah.

[998] My favorite part is that you didn't just watch the final episode.

[999] No. They were then on an Oprah special.

[1000] They did an Oprah special after and a Leno special.

[1001] I think it was Leno.

[1002] Then they went on to Leno.

[1003] So she stayed up until one in the morning.

[1004] All night.

[1005] Consuming all this friend stuff.

[1006] Recording it, consuming it, rewinding, rewatching.

[1007] I'm up all night.

[1008] And then.

[1009] For real.

[1010] And crying.

[1011] Like, I'm in like an emotional.

[1012] state until like, yeah, like three in the morning.

[1013] Your parents never checked in.

[1014] No, never, no, no, no. They never did.

[1015] They were making blizzards.

[1016] Yeah, they were working late at the Dairy Queen.

[1017] They had a late night shift.

[1018] Yeah, yeah.

[1019] They have no idea what I was doing up there.

[1020] They still don't know.

[1021] They still don't know.

[1022] Right.

[1023] So, yeah, so then I eventually go to bed and the next thing I know my dad is like pounding on my door.

[1024] He's like, Robbie's here, my friend.

[1025] Robbie who came to pick me up for the AP exam and I was asleep.

[1026] And so I had to just, you know, jump out of bed and run out the door in my basically pajamas arriving at the AP exam, which was a big deal.

[1027] I'm sure a lot of you have taken AP exams.

[1028] Yes.

[1029] Three people.

[1030] You're preparing.

[1031] Yeah, I know.

[1032] Denver, come on the educational achievement of our arm cherries.

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] Wait, did we read something about Denver being the most educational?

[1035] Second most educated city in America, guys.

[1036] Give yourself a round of applause for that.

[1037] But I'm going to have to fact check that because only three of you are cheering for AP exams, so I don't know.

[1038] They're just afraid they won't get laid tonight if they, yeah.

[1039] No, it's sexy to be smart.

[1040] I agree.

[1041] But people think they have to hide it.

[1042] They need to show it.

[1043] But you've got a three out of five, which is probably your lowest score you've ever gotten.

[1044] Okay.

[1045] Three is passing, and that's really what you're aiming for, and I did do that.

[1046] So I feel like I did everything I wanted.

[1047] I got my friend's night in, and I passed the test.

[1048] But I looked crazy walking in there.

[1049] You did.

[1050] Yeah, I did.

[1051] So you did great in school.

[1052] You got a scholarship to go to college for free at University of Georgia and Athens.

[1053] Home of the B -52s.

[1054] Yes.

[1055] Hope scholarship.

[1056] A lot of people got it.

[1057] That's just a Georgia thing, though, right?

[1058] It's a Georgia thing, yeah.

[1059] Okay.

[1060] It should be an everywhere thing, but...

[1061] I agree, yeah.

[1062] So you go to school and you major in theater, but you double major.

[1063] Mm -hmm.

[1064] Because you're our first 1 .5 generation in India.

[1065] I'm 1 .5, so...

[1066] You're kind of going to be bold, and then you're kind of be safe.

[1067] Exactly.

[1068] Yeah.

[1069] What was the backup degree?

[1070] PR.

[1071] Public relations.

[1072] Public relations.

[1073] Which you thought maybe you could dovetail into the entertainment at some point anyways, right?

[1074] Probably.

[1075] yeah yeah i'm sure and monica did really cute things i'm just going to give the readers digest she went she studied abroad she went to can film festival she stood outside of a premiere for nine 10 hours but we had to stand outside with signs begging for tickets for the and you got in yeah i got into a few of them and then who did you see you saw someone famous in england doing this right oh and so i also studied abroad in london yeah we saw them like starting to set up like the little uh and rafters?

[1076] What are they?

[1077] Fences, barriers, whatever.

[1078] Red ropes.

[1079] White scaffolding.

[1080] Okay.

[1081] Masticholi, big ziti.

[1082] We said, what's going on here?

[1083] And they were like, oh, it's the premiere of a movie.

[1084] And we were like, oh, great.

[1085] We'll wait here all day.

[1086] We didn't know what it was for.

[1087] Any movie would have done.

[1088] Me and my friend Callie.

[1089] Yeah.

[1090] And so we just took turns, like, standing there for hours.

[1091] and it was the breakup, so it had my girl, Jen Ann, and we were at the very front, and it was a dream.

[1092] Did you take a photograph with her?

[1093] You talked to her, right?

[1094] She signed it, she signed an autograph.

[1095] She signed a picture, yeah.

[1096] Oh, what a story.

[1097] Yeah.

[1098] So, you graduate from University of Georgia.

[1099] Did you do well?

[1100] Were you like honors cum laude, anything?

[1101] Summa.

[1102] Fuck you.

[1103] Yeah.

[1104] Yeah.

[1105] I got one B in college, and it was an 89 .7.

[1106] She would not round up.

[1107] Racist.

[1108] Correct.

[1109] No other way to explain it.

[1110] She said, I would, but your parents work at Dairy Queen.

[1111] Yeah.

[1112] So, you spend a year out of college, and that year, because I, too, graduated high school.

[1113] I decided I was not going to go to college.

[1114] I read on the road by Kerouac.

[1115] I live in my car.

[1116] I did that for several months.

[1117] It wasn't as fun as on the road.

[1118] It never is.

[1119] And they went back to Detroit, and I lived there for a year and drank a lot.

[1120] Yeah.

[1121] Yeah, it was a good time.

[1122] And at a certain point, I woke up in downtown Detroit.

[1123] I was like, I gotta get out of here like yesterday.

[1124] I gotta, I'm gonna die if I don't try to do this thing.

[1125] Yeah.

[1126] And did you have that moment?

[1127] Well, I had a lot of those.

[1128] Like, the original plan was to go to UCLA.

[1129] It was like, I'm going to California.

[1130] Great school, much better than Georgia.

[1131] Nope.

[1132] They say that people that...

[1133] I've never been happier with my decision to not.

[1134] They say that people that got Magna Cum Laude at UCLA would have gotten a 4 .0 at George.

[1135] Yeah, that's what they say that.

[1136] That's what everyone says.

[1137] Yeah, interesting.

[1138] Yeah, if you convert what those great points are.

[1139] Uh -huh.

[1140] Uh -huh.

[1141] Three, sevens, like a 4 -2.

[1142] Okay.

[1143] So you were going to go to UCLA and do what?

[1144] I wanted to...

[1145] I wanted to...

[1146] I wanted to be in L .A. Uh -huh.

[1147] So I was like, I guess I should go to school there.

[1148] That makes the most sense.

[1149] So I'll go to UCLA.

[1150] I also had no idea.

[1151] Like, that's not even, that's not like the best acting program in L .A. Well, hold on.

[1152] It's pretty great.

[1153] You didn't do it?

[1154] I know.

[1155] Go Bruins.

[1156] Okay.

[1157] By the way, that school sucked.

[1158] I loved it.

[1159] But I went to a, I went to go see the Bruins play at the Rose Bowl where they play.

[1160] And I went with my girlfriend, Brie.

[1161] And we had fucking beers up our ass in her, like, in her, like, in her, underwear.

[1162] I had a pint of Jack Daniels and a sock.

[1163] Yeah.

[1164] We smuggle all this booze in.

[1165] We're in the student section.

[1166] We just start breaking out all this booze and we're pounding.

[1167] Everyone's looking at us.

[1168] We're white trash.

[1169] I mean, we were bona fide white trash, but.

[1170] Nobody was doing that.

[1171] No, and I'm from Michigan where you go, if you even make it into the game, you're probably going to get beat up by 10 dudes that are blacked out on the way in.

[1172] Oh, yeah.

[1173] Yeah.

[1174] People are getting pregnant in the stands.

[1175] That's right.

[1176] Yes.

[1177] And people were working on their fucking homework in the stands of the Bruin games.

[1178] I was like, this is a bust.

[1179] That's a big bummer.

[1180] I got hammered, and they were playing Fresno, and I was, you know, occasionally you'll be at a sporting event, and this happens, where it's like, you know, people are yelling nonstop, so no one can really hear.

[1181] But sometimes there's a lull.

[1182] Sure.

[1183] And I got lucky.

[1184] Like, the stars blessed me. Okay.

[1185] And I had been screaming at Fresno for the whole game drunk.

[1186] But somehow there was just this lull right as I. I screamed, I'd tell you to go to hell, but you're already from Fresno.

[1187] And it was the perfect wall.

[1188] So aggressive, wow.

[1189] And I actually heard a couple hundred people laugh.

[1190] Oh.

[1191] It was so rewarding.

[1192] Oh, wow.

[1193] Yeah.

[1194] All the people that had to suffer through me trying to find a stage before I just committed to it.

[1195] So you studied comedy, too, that's cool.

[1196] Yeah.

[1197] Stay tuned for more live show after this exciting commercial break.

[1198] What's up, guys, it's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[1199] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[1200] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[1201] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[1202] And I don't mean just friends.

[1203] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[1204] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[1205] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[1206] We've all been there.

[1207] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[1208] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[1209] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[1210] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[1211] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

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[1214] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[1215] But you didn't go to UCLA.

[1216] You ended up moving with a friend.

[1217] Right.

[1218] So I just had these big plans for a long time.

[1219] to be out in L .A., and then, you know, they got postponed and postponed and postponed, and then...

[1220] And I'm sure your parents, although we're not telling you not to go, they probably weren't stoked you were going to go.

[1221] Oh, they were not happy about me going, yeah.

[1222] And having nothing to do, because I think when I say that, a lot of people think that's like an Indian parent thing.

[1223] Like, I don't really think it's that.

[1224] I think it's just that they're worried about their kid who's going across the country.

[1225] The likelihood, yeah.

[1226] Yeah, because my parents did not want anything steering.

[1227] They weren't like, you've got to be a doctor, you've got to do this.

[1228] They were just like, can you please make enough money to not return here?

[1229] Yeah.

[1230] Like that was all they wanted.

[1231] Conversely, my mother was like, you're living in a loft in downtown Detroit with four guys in a condemned building.

[1232] Sure.

[1233] How much worse is it going to get in California?

[1234] That's true, yeah.

[1235] At least the weather will be better.

[1236] Yeah.

[1237] She's so smart.

[1238] Your mom.

[1239] She really is so pragmatic.

[1240] Yeah.

[1241] So how did you overcome the hurdle?

[1242] So then, yeah, so then I lived at home for a year and I said, I'm only going to do this for a year and I'm going to work in Atlanta.

[1243] That's sort of how I justified it.

[1244] I was like, I'm getting an agent here because there's like work in Atlanta.

[1245] There's acting work.

[1246] Sure.

[1247] So I did that and then my friend Anthony was graduating.

[1248] He was a year younger than me. So he was graduating and he also was coming out here to work in production.

[1249] So we came out together.

[1250] and then that it was because I had a buddy I think that's why it was easy and then when do you get obsessed with the idea of being a comedian or doing UCB did you just go to a show no I want to be a part of this no I never went to a show you didn't no I um well I did a ton of comedy in high school and college theater and I loved it and I knew that was the thing I wanted to really focus on I'm gonna pause you for one second I can't believe I blew past the fact that you're a state champ cheerleader.

[1251] Oh, wow.

[1252] That was a...

[1253] Yeah, I just want to...

[1254] Okay, now we can move forward.

[1255] But people know that.

[1256] Yeah, yeah.

[1257] They know of your extreme accomplishments and your elite muscle.

[1258] My elite muscle mass. Um, yeah, so I...

[1259] How'd you find UCB?

[1260] I knew I wanted to do comedy.

[1261] How drunk are you out of ten right now?

[1262] I don't know.

[1263] I was just thinking that.

[1264] I could tell you were thinking about that.

[1265] Yeah.

[1266] Yeah.

[1267] You were like checking in with yourself.

[1268] I was.

[1269] Yeah.

[1270] Yeah, probably a three.

[1271] Oh, that's great.

[1272] Maybe a four.

[1273] Maybe a six.

[1274] So UCB, I really just, another embarrassing thing about me, like, I just research a lot.

[1275] If I like a person, I'll YouTube everything about them.

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] And I will, like, record their inside the actor's studio and watch it a couple times, probably.

[1278] And, like, I just really want to know everything about something I like.

[1279] we've done i think 13 live shows or somewhere in that ballpark and on eight of the flights monica has watched oceans 11 that's the truth yeah i like what i like in fact on the flight here this morning she was like oceans eight they didn't have they didn't have 11 it only went to eight yeah so really i think i saw something with amy polar and i saw that she started to started UCB, and I was like, oh, interesting.

[1280] And then I saw something with the Zs, and he did UCB.

[1281] So it was like, oh, all these people that I really like did this thing.

[1282] I should probably do that thing.

[1283] So I hadn't even, I did not see a show when I signed up for UCB.

[1284] Oh, you just went in there and said, it could have been anything.

[1285] It could have been fire juggling.

[1286] Well, no, I knew it was improv.

[1287] Oh, okay.

[1288] I knew what it was.

[1289] But I was like, if I'm going to do comedy and all these comedians I respect have done this thing, I'm going to do that.

[1290] Yeah.

[1291] And I did it.

[1292] You start acting.

[1293] You, well, first of foremost, we have mutual friends.

[1294] Ryan Hanson, who was on the show, who you guys heard.

[1295] Oh, guys.

[1296] He's the best.

[1297] I hope you all listen to that episode.

[1298] He's the brightest shining light.

[1299] I pray every one of you gets to see him do a backflip in real life.

[1300] Yes.

[1301] And you were in that friendship group, so we kind of peripheral, I can't say that.

[1302] Peripherially.

[1303] Yeah, peripherally.

[1304] Knew each other.

[1305] And then you were on an episode of House of Lides.

[1306] which was the show Kristen was on.

[1307] Yep.

[1308] With Don Cheadle, Denver native.

[1309] Oh, yeah.

[1310] I called him in a panic when our guest didn't show up.

[1311] I'm like, are you in Denver?

[1312] And so you do an episode of House Elizin while you and Kristen are shooting the shit at craft service.

[1313] You go, hey, I also babysit.

[1314] Yeah.

[1315] In between acting jobs.

[1316] Yeah.

[1317] And then you started babysitting.

[1318] I sure did.

[1319] Which you did an okay job at.

[1320] I did a very good job at.

[1321] You guys asked me to do a lot early on.

[1322] like night nurse.

[1323] What?

[1324] Wet nurse?

[1325] At this point I'd already been babysitting a little bit, but still sporadic babysitting.

[1326] Right.

[1327] And you had your second Delta.

[1328] And she was like three or four weeks old.

[1329] And Kristen was like, okay, do you think you'd be comfortable coming at like midnight and...

[1330] Oh, wow.

[1331] Yeah, and getting her...

[1332] Can I tell this story?

[1333] Could you raise our kid?

[1334] No. Hey, what are you doing the next seven months?

[1335] Well, no. I do not remember you night nursing, because if you had been sleeping in the house, I don't remember you sleeping.

[1336] No, I didn't sleep.

[1337] I drove over at 1145.

[1338] Okay.

[1339] And I let myself in.

[1340] Oh, geez.

[1341] And I...

[1342] This is a weird story.

[1343] Picked Delta up out of...

[1344] I'm judging myself right now.

[1345] No. I don't...

[1346] You clearly weren't there.

[1347] Well, so yeah, you should judge yourself.

[1348] No, I'm kidding.

[1349] I'm kidding.

[1350] I'm kidding.

[1351] Bob Craft were out getting lung.

[1352] The White Lotus.

[1353] Oh, boy.

[1354] No, so, yeah, and I picked her up out of her little vasinette, and I fed her, and I burped her, and then I put her back down, and I was so terrified.

[1355] I was so scared.

[1356] I didn't really know.

[1357] They're very durable.

[1358] They are, it turns out.

[1359] More than you think, yeah.

[1360] And then we became soulmates after that, me and Delta.

[1361] They're soulmates.

[1362] Yeah, we're soulmates.

[1363] And I think it probably had to do with that.

[1364] scary night nurse situation.

[1365] Yeah.

[1366] Yeah.

[1367] I'm going to defend my wife and assume she had to wake up really early and work.

[1368] Yeah, or she wasn't...

[1369] In her right mind?

[1370] She may have had a night shoot or something.

[1371] Like, there was a reason.

[1372] Night terrors.

[1373] She is night terrors.

[1374] And then the longer that we were all together, and Monica was spending more and more time at the house, Monica and I's friendship was forged by arguing about cereal and whether Adnan was guilty or not.

[1375] Yeah.

[1376] And in fact, when I realized we were soulmates was we had a two -hour -long debate about that.

[1377] Yes.

[1378] And I was like, you're a fun person to argue with.

[1379] Yeah, but you still thought I was really wrong.

[1380] Well, you're wrong.

[1381] Well, no. Yeah, you'll never understand what it's like to be around a teenage boy.

[1382] You're expecting logic to be in the soup, and there's no logic in the soup.

[1383] Like, I don't know what it's like.

[1384] I've seen teenage boys do stuff where I was like, what just happened?

[1385] this guy thought it was funny to poop in an intersection they're monsters don't be around them I was one of them okay that's fine what we do agree on is that there was not enough evidence to convict him of murder yes I'm with you on that okay that was my whole theory we argued for two hours oh my god so long and it was so fun and we could do it again yes and we will tonight yeah Kristen and I started realizing, like, Monica's really crazy smart and crazy talented, and you need someone to write for you.

[1386] And Monica started going with Kristen if she shot a commercial.

[1387] She would punch up what was in the commercials.

[1388] She started if Kristen hosted an award show.

[1389] She started writing Kristen's monologue.

[1390] Many of the things you've heard Kristen say Monica thought of.

[1391] It's not to take anything away from my perfect, lovely wife.

[1392] No, no, no. It would not have said.

[1393] She's way more talented than both of us combined.

[1394] That's a given.

[1395] That's a given.

[1396] But this led to you kind of just basically running Kristen's life.

[1397] Yes.

[1398] It transitioned.

[1399] Yeah.

[1400] And then...

[1401] I own her.

[1402] Yes.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] Yeah.

[1405] She answers your calls, not mine.

[1406] Yes.

[1407] So this, because a lot of people are curious how all this evolved.

[1408] Yeah.

[1409] And then we decided, you and I, we like to argue, we should do it publicly.

[1410] Yeah.

[1411] Why not?

[1412] And then we started this podcast together.

[1413] Yeah.

[1414] And it's the funnest thing I've ever done.

[1415] Me too.

[1416] I love, there's nothing more fun in my week than going to the attic with you and just fighting over anything.

[1417] It doesn't take much.

[1418] It does not take much, no. And I couldn't do any of this without you.

[1419] You are so indispensable.

[1420] You're such a piece of the magic.

[1421] I can't thank you enough for this.

[1422] You've given me the most fun thing that I've ever done.

[1423] The most rewarding thing we've ever done.

[1424] And so much of the credit goes to Monica that people might not realize.

[1425] She edits the show.

[1426] She gets on these calls with me undies, and they talk to her from the...

[1427] Which is a joy.

[1428] There's about 30 seconds worth of usable information.

[1429] She passes on to me. And she books guests, and of course, Wabiwob, too.

[1430] is a fucking beast.

[1431] It handles our whole lives.

[1432] It makes all this sound and look great.

[1433] Yeah.

[1434] So I couldn't, other than my wife and my children, I don't think there's been a person in the last 20 years of my life that's come into it that I value more than you.

[1435] I love you so much.

[1436] I love you too.

[1437] I hope we can get the laws in California to loosen up so we can all get married.

[1438] Fingers crossed.

[1439] Three -way marriage.

[1440] They won't tell anymore.

[1441] The other day, we were hanging out by the pool and his daughter said, His daughter said, you're hanging out with your almost girlfriend.

[1442] Yeah, yeah.

[1443] And then Kristen was sitting there, and she said, she's my almost girlfriend, too.

[1444] Yeah, yeah.

[1445] And that's correct.

[1446] All of that's pretty correct.

[1447] That's right.

[1448] We're wives.

[1449] We're just circling each other like a couple of gamecocks.

[1450] Yeah.

[1451] And he...

[1452] So...

[1453] Oh, by the way, I should respond to that.

[1454] Thank you for saying that.

[1455] And also meeting you guys and getting brought into the fold and the bell shepherds, the most special place I've ever gotten to be a part of.

[1456] And it has changed my life in such an incredible way.

[1457] And I'm so grateful to have stumbled upon you too.

[1458] You really, really, really changed my life for real.

[1459] It's really special.

[1460] Thank you.

[1461] So that's Monica's life story in a nutshell.

[1462] There it is.

[1463] There's so much more.

[1464] We're going to be coming out with Monica loves boys.

[1465] We're really going to chart all of her many infatuations.

[1466] It's very, very interesting, more than you could imagine.

[1467] The puking and stuff is just the tip of the iceberg.

[1468] It's full of perversion, twists and turns, peaks and valleys.

[1469] They're like, do we want to imagine it?

[1470] Yeah, you do.

[1471] You're not going to want to miss it.

[1472] It's like a pile up on the highway.

[1473] Yeah.

[1474] Got to see it.

[1475] Awesome.

[1476] Thank you so much.

[1477] Well, thanks for doing it.

[1478] You guys, Denver, thank you so much.

[1479] Thank you for hanging out and supporting the other arm cherries.

[1480] We love you so much.

[1481] And I'm going to go fire this wine bottle at Monica Baxter.

[1482] Oh, boy.

[1483] Here we go.

[1484] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1485] Who are we talking about you?

[1486] Me. Oh, boy.

[1487] This is something else.

[1488] checking one's own facts talk about you know during these investigations it's really important we get an independent outside counsel to do the investigation and this is as murky as it gets that's true very biased reporting about to happen oh oopsies well good thing we didn't really say any facts oh we didn't not very many facts in this fact check oh okay it's also um a short episode it is yeah and And then I got self -conscious about that, of course.

[1489] Okay.

[1490] Why was it short?

[1491] It just was short?

[1492] I guess.

[1493] Or you cut, okay.

[1494] And so we only, we talk for about an hour only.

[1495] That's it?

[1496] Maybe a little over.

[1497] Right.

[1498] So then I got self -conscious that, yeah, it just wasn't interesting enough to keep talking.

[1499] Oh, man. Yeah, there was, there was never going to be a great outcome to that whole scenario, I don't think.

[1500] What do you mean?

[1501] There's no, you would, there's no episode we could have produced that you would have listened to and been like did it right don't you think yeah maybe what did you think about it oh that was great okay laughing throughout you were funny your stories were hysterical the puking it's so great yeah delicious okay yeah i just you're insecure that's very natural yeah normal yeah but you you know we're the least objective when we're insecure right that's think about what your face looks like sometimes in the mirror there are times that i'm looking in the mirror and i'm having one of those spirals maybe i'm picking and my skin's flaking and i literally think oh that's the beast from beauty and the beast like what a fucking monster you are and i really see that yeah i know if i was a good artist and i could draw a picture of what i saw that would be great right but then you start evaluating like the way everybody else is in connection to it.

[1502] So yeah, so I'm insecure about that.

[1503] But then I start, you know, your brain just starts spiraling out.

[1504] Okay.

[1505] Meaning you personally or me?

[1506] Me. Like in this scenario, I'm like, oh, but like when we have this person on a live show, your reaction, Dax's reaction is this.

[1507] And then when, so when it's me, and it's not that.

[1508] Then I'm like, oh, it's not that.

[1509] But again, you and I are best friends.

[1510] I know.

[1511] We're together 12 hours a day.

[1512] I don't know Thomas Middletich.

[1513] So when I'm hearing stuff, I'm literally, there's not one thing I heard from you that was a new information.

[1514] I know.

[1515] That's true.

[1516] That's just the dynamic.

[1517] Yeah.

[1518] If you interviewed me, you'd be bored out of your tears.

[1519] No. You'd bored out of your mind.

[1520] Bored to tears or bored out of your mind.

[1521] Bored out of your mind resulting in tears.

[1522] it's really boring I'm really boring I would not feel that by the way but you know what I'm saying your reaction wouldn't be like wait you got jumped by a guy and then they you pulled a gun like you already know that yeah you'd be like oh you know what questions asked to facilitate the story but it's not like your mind's gonna be blown yeah like if like the first time I heard about the puking thing yeah I was ecstatic I was like I was like like I was tap dancing on clouds.

[1523] I mean, look, that's, I hope people still like me after that because I, it, they don't even have the full scope, which is like, I don't know if that's a story that you can just tell the tip of the iceberg.

[1524] Mm. Mm -hmm.

[1525] Because you just sound like, just a loon.

[1526] No, that's your insecurity.

[1527] It sounds like an awesome, like me taking toilet paper and walking across the hallway naked and touching it twice.

[1528] That's exactly what it sounds like.

[1529] Yeah.

[1530] Like, oh, that's very specific and interesting.

[1531] It's very weird.

[1532] Yeah.

[1533] Okay.

[1534] So we do talk about, is there money involved in arranged marriages?

[1535] Well, you asked, was there money involved in my parents' marriage?

[1536] Right, like a dowry.

[1537] And no, there wasn't because theirs was only, there's wasn't like a real arranged situation.

[1538] But dowries do still exist.

[1539] Great.

[1540] Even though they're illegal and they're not great.

[1541] Wait, they're illegal?

[1542] Yeah.

[1543] So I read it.

[1544] If you want to give someone money.

[1545] Although if you're buying somebody, that's the thing.

[1546] Yeah, you're buying a person, and it's always the woman to the man. No, it's not good.

[1547] But it's...

[1548] It'd been rad, though, if when I married Kristen, Tom just gave me like $100 ,000 in cash.

[1549] I would enjoy that.

[1550] Do you feel like...

[1551] Sure, you...

[1552] Oh, my God.

[1553] Dowery's payment made in cash or kind to a bride's in -laws at the time of her marriage.

[1554] The amount depends on a large number of factors, including region, religion, and subcast, groom's education, bride, skin tone, and the negotiation skills of both the family involved.

[1555] Skin tone.

[1556] Exactly.

[1557] Even though dowry has been illegal in India since 1961, it is still prevalent.

[1558] Backroom dowries.

[1559] Actually, numbers are not known, but anecdotally, about half of the weddings in this person's family who wrote this article and friends circles involved dowry.

[1560] I'd love to know what the biggest dowry of all time was.

[1561] Like did someone give someone a kingdom, a billion dollars, a team?

[1562] I'm just going to be going straight to cliches now.

[1563] Like a team of elephants.

[1564] Oh, yeah.

[1565] I've jumped a shark.

[1566] Yeah, I didn't.

[1567] But I asked my dad, I texted my dad to ask this this morning.

[1568] And he said, depends on which part of India.

[1569] And then he was quick to say, not in Carola.

[1570] Hashtag not me. He didn't say him.

[1571] He said, not in Carol.

[1572] Grandpa did not receive any dowry.

[1573] Oh, he got.

[1574] For my hot grandma.

[1575] Oh, wow.

[1576] He didn't get any money for that.

[1577] Her looks were a reward enough.

[1578] Can you imagine if your grandma's dad also had to pay this lucky son of a bitch for getting the world's first and only perfect time?

[1579] He said probably still exists, which now we know is true.

[1580] Obviously, if the girl is educated and has a job.

[1581] will not pay any dowry.

[1582] He forgot some words in the middle, but that's what he said.

[1583] So education is a big element, which is interesting.

[1584] I bet the sad part is the pretty ones are going to go quick, and then you're going to have a couple girls sitting around feeling real sad that no one's picking, and then you've got to pump up the price you're willing to pay to get them married.

[1585] I bet that's kind of outworked, right?

[1586] Like, do you remember in Game of Thrones when the Red Wend, wedding people.

[1587] Remember, he wanted the Stark to marry his daughter.

[1588] Right.

[1589] And then they showed him and they were all, you know, unconventionally beautiful.

[1590] Yeah.

[1591] And he wasn't excited about it.

[1592] You know what I'm saying?

[1593] Like that, like him.

[1594] Walter Frey.

[1595] Yes, Walter Frey.

[1596] Walter Frey had to unload probably a lot of money to get those gales married off because they were unconventionally beautiful.

[1597] Right.

[1598] Yeah.

[1599] I'm sure, yeah, I'm sure the price did depend on.

[1600] a lot of sad factors.

[1601] Yeah, I did it three times.

[1602] I don't like calling people ugly.

[1603] I know, but also, you know, yeah, I get frustrated with this.

[1604] It's terrible to call someone ugly.

[1605] It's also completely denying reality that there are people that are commonly regarded as good looking and commonly regarded as unattractive.

[1606] That's just a fact on planet Earth.

[1607] But I don't know.

[1608] I mean, yes and no. I just think it's more gray than that.

[1609] I'd say the reason it's not gray is that they were able to cut to.

[1610] five daughters and you knew exactly story -wise what was going on.

[1611] But they were also like dressed horribly and had like maddy hair.

[1612] Like it wasn't just their features.

[1613] In fact, they're probably beautiful actually actresses that they made look dumpy.

[1614] Well, they're definitely unconventionally gorgeous.

[1615] No, I'm just saying, are you, are we pretending that there's no consensus in looks?

[1616] There is.

[1617] That's what the people in magazines are, there's a consensus.

[1618] They're, they're good looking, you know?

[1619] And I guess we're so inclined towards equality, which is a great impulse that it forces us, I think, at times a little bit lie about reality.

[1620] I just, I don't think you should ever be required to lie in the pursuit of equality.

[1621] Like, not everyone's going to be the same level of attractiveness.

[1622] That's just a fact.

[1623] But it depends on so many factors.

[1624] Personality and all of these things, they factor into even your physical appearance.

[1625] They absolutely do.

[1626] Yeah.

[1627] They do.

[1628] But even what you're saying is, yes, they're raising your attraction level.

[1629] Like your personality's outgoing and fun And you're fun to be around Well, that's a positive thing Some people have shitty personalities Yeah It's not unlike their looks It's not like they picked a shitty personality Well, no, I think you can work on your personality Way more than you can work on your looks You can work on it But you're only gonna go so far You know, if you're a victim of a lot of trauma And it fucked you up You have developmental issues, you know I don't know What are you saying?

[1630] What I'm saying is it's a lie to say that everyone's equally attractive.

[1631] Okay, no one said that.

[1632] Well, that's kind of what it feels like everyone's expecting the future, our utopia, is that everyone is equally attractive.

[1633] No, this is what you hear.

[1634] I know what I was thinking about it.

[1635] We went and saw that ugly dolls movie.

[1636] And the whole message of the movie, which is a beautiful message, is that everyone's beautiful.

[1637] Everyone is beautiful in some way.

[1638] Yes, they are.

[1639] Every human has an implicit value.

[1640] and beauty.

[1641] It may not be your face.

[1642] With that said, there is a consensus on people being physically attractive or unattractive.

[1643] Okay.

[1644] I mean, what do you mean?

[1645] Okay.

[1646] No, I don't think that's 100 % true.

[1647] I don't think it's as black and white.

[1648] Like, what about how to have to - What?

[1649] Well, no, it does count for guys.

[1650] It, women are much more forgiving of conventionally unattractive.

[1651] Oh, then, okay.

[1652] Hey, if you're just talking about men's brains, yeah.

[1653] Well, even females, if you just see a lineup and you see, well, Jack Nicholson, I mean, he's an example.

[1654] If you don't know, if you've never seen him act and you just saw a lineup of guys, you go, oh, that guy is not very attractive.

[1655] If Jack Nicholson is standing next to Brad Pitt, you're probably going to pick Brad Pitt.

[1656] Most people are probably going to say Brad Pitt is more physically attractive.

[1657] I'd say 100 % of people are going to say that's more attractive.

[1658] I mean, I don't think a hundred percent.

[1659] I think there are people like different things than other people.

[1660] And there could be people who look at Brad Pitt and think this is a very pretty person.

[1661] And that's not attractive to me. Okay.

[1662] What percentage do you think it would be?

[1663] A true guess, though.

[1664] I really, I don't, 90.

[1665] Okay.

[1666] I can live with that.

[1667] Anyway, my point is then, especially once they start talking, that's, that.

[1668] That might become 50 -50.

[1669] Yes, it's just denying that we have hardwiring to be attracted to symmetry.

[1670] We have the golden rule where the nose is positioned on the face.

[1671] These are like biological imperatives.

[1672] Cars, some cars are ugly.

[1673] Everyone knows you see which ones sell the best.

[1674] Some cars are unattractive and some cars are pretty universally attractive.

[1675] We have an aesthetic built in our eyes.

[1676] It's the truth.

[1677] Or it's how we're evaluating reproductive fitness and stuff.

[1678] It's not our fault.

[1679] It's just, you know, we can strive to be as, you know, tender and lovely as possible, but I don't think we should ever have to lie that, you know, some people are more and less attractive.

[1680] I just, I don't see what that gets us.

[1681] I think it's a lie.

[1682] What does it get us to not do that?

[1683] To not do that.

[1684] What are you benefiting from saying this person is ugly and this person isn't?

[1685] I don't want anyone to be told they're ugly.

[1686] that's how this conversation started i said i don't want to call anyone ugly that's literally that's why i said they're uniquely beautiful because i don't want to call anyone ugly either right and then also i want to acknowledge that the story point was crystal clear by one shot we knew exactly what was happening robert fray could not get his daughters married you know walder fray joseph ray could not get his daughters married right you know the the the the hunchback in notre dame shrek these things all there's a reason those stories make sense the beauty and the beast uh -huh people have an aesthetic yeah i think you know what i'm saying yeah i think in our pursuit of equality it would be easy to pretend some things that just aren't true i also think you can often when you you think that like truth is at risk a lot when we're having these conversations i do you're right and and that people are making declarative statements like everyone is equally beautiful No one, I've never heard anyone say that.

[1687] No one's saying that.

[1688] No one's saying everyone's equally this.

[1689] They're just saying everyone has something beautiful about them.

[1690] They have a value, yeah.

[1691] And they have a value.

[1692] And those are the things about them that make you attractive to another person.

[1693] Right.

[1694] Let's do the real life example that's happening right now.

[1695] There have been schools that canceled prom because some people weren't getting asked to prom.

[1696] Yeah.

[1697] That is creating a fake world that they'll never inhabit.

[1698] Maybe they can artificially control that for four years, but that's not the world.

[1699] They're not going to go to a bar when they graduate and go, nope, if I don't get asked on a date here, no one's getting asked.

[1700] I agree.

[1701] I agree with that.

[1702] That to me is what I'm talking about.

[1703] It's like we're pretending, you know, if one person's feelings are hurt, guess what?

[1704] That person didn't get asked for prom is probably going to do better in school.

[1705] They're going to own fucking Facebook.

[1706] So it all comes out in the wash, you know.

[1707] I agree.

[1708] To sit around and say, like, I demand to be seen.

[1709] is as attractive as everyone else.

[1710] It's just, well, no, you've got to go become attractive in another way.

[1711] That's the world we live in.

[1712] Well, but I think that is the point is that that's where the conversation is trying to go is physical attractiveness isn't superior to personality.

[1713] No, of course not, no. But we've grown up to think that.

[1714] And so the new push.

[1715] Yeah, I guess, is to lean towards.

[1716] I mean, I didn't see ugly dolls.

[1717] So I don't know exactly how they present.

[1718] I guess it's just, what I worry about is it's like, it's presenting a world where, no, everyone's equally beautiful and everyone will like you for being uniquely beautiful.

[1719] That is a beautiful sentiment.

[1720] I wish that was the world.

[1721] Mm -hmm.

[1722] But when my daughter turns 13 and she's not getting asked out and she's like, wait, but this movie said that everyone's equally beautiful, someone's going to have to go, no, you're, apparently the data would say that There are 15 girls that people are finding more attractive than you.

[1723] So you're going to have to figure out what's beautiful about your personality.

[1724] That's right.

[1725] But just starting with the sentence that everyone's equally beautiful, then they're going to be left with, well, that was a lie.

[1726] You've now lied to me about that, which is everyone's equally beautiful.

[1727] If that were the case, then we'd all get asked equally to the prom, but that's not going to happen.

[1728] So I started by lying to you.

[1729] And now I'm going to follow that up with more advice.

[1730] Why would you now believe the second bit of advice?

[1731] because I lied to you about the premise.

[1732] But it's not a lie that there's something in that 13 -year -old daughter that is incredibly attractive to people and that she'll need to figure out what that is.

[1733] And it might not be the symmetry of her face or how pretty her hair is.

[1734] It absolutely might not be.

[1735] But there is something.

[1736] There is something there.

[1737] Yes.

[1738] It may not be physical.

[1739] I'm not talking about that.

[1740] Right.

[1741] I'm just saying I think it'd be more honest to start with.

[1742] here's the reality.

[1743] We're animals.

[1744] We have all this hardwiring.

[1745] We are drawn to symmetry.

[1746] We're drawn to this.

[1747] We're drawn to that.

[1748] Whatever.

[1749] It's a bit cultural.

[1750] Sometimes when food scarce, we're attracted to heavy set people.

[1751] When it's abundant, we're attracted to skinny people.

[1752] These are all elements.

[1753] Of course, they change with culture.

[1754] But this is how a human brain works.

[1755] This is how young boys are going to work.

[1756] This is how young girls are going to work.

[1757] They're going to like the tall guy with wide shoulders.

[1758] It's in their DNA to do so.

[1759] So that's the world you live in.

[1760] But it's also not.

[1761] Like, I think you're really sweeping with a wide brush when you say, like, everyone is attracted to this and everyone is a, boys are attracted to this, girls are attracted to this.

[1762] Maybe there's a, maybe there's a majority.

[1763] Yeah, I just mean there's a majority.

[1764] Okay.

[1765] And then, and that's the world they're going to inhabit.

[1766] And I think they're best armed with the reality of the world they're about to inhabit.

[1767] Don't you think it's preferred for your 13 -year -old daughter to look in the mirror?

[1768] and think there's something good about this.

[1769] That is the dream.

[1770] That's utopia.

[1771] Yeah.

[1772] It's not going to happen.

[1773] A 13 -year -old, unless she happens to be the most popular girl in the school, is going to look in the mirror and see something she doesn't like.

[1774] And I did it and everyone does it.

[1775] So I'd rather start by acknowledging what you're feeling is normal.

[1776] Yeah.

[1777] It's your truth.

[1778] I have anecdotes to that.

[1779] But it starts with, I acknowledge you don't feel attractive.

[1780] I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

[1781] You can't do it.

[1782] But I just don't think it's helpful to say like, okay, I know there are 15 other girls who are prettier than you.

[1783] Like making all these comparisons, I don't think it's good.

[1784] I don't think it's good to be evaluating yourself compared to all these.

[1785] I mean, I think we should be teaching these kids at a young age that that's a bad idea.

[1786] It's not good.

[1787] And it's going to happen.

[1788] Yeah, but it's like, what's the best response to the situation I know they'll be in?

[1789] Uh -huh.

[1790] I can't wish them to live in a world that doesn't exist.

[1791] I mean, that would be great.

[1792] Again, I don't think that's anyone's, I don't think people are saying we are all.

[1793] I think a lot of parents hear their 13 -year -old boy or girls say, I'm ugly, and they say, no, you're not.

[1794] You're the most beautiful girl in the world.

[1795] you're the most handsome boy in the world.

[1796] They don't believe that.

[1797] It'd be awesome if they did.

[1798] Your parents can't tell you where you're slotted in the hierarchy of looks at your school.

[1799] And they know that.

[1800] So they know you're just being kind to them and that you're trying to help them.

[1801] And also, you do think they're the most beautiful because they're your offspring.

[1802] I will be completely confused if my daughters aren't the most at least.

[1803] attractive girls everywhere they're at.

[1804] Because I think they're the most attractive human beings on the planet.

[1805] Of course.

[1806] But I also recognize that me telling them they're beautiful is not going to help them in the scenario they're in.

[1807] So here's what I think about that.

[1808] I think in a very logical, rational world, you're right.

[1809] As someone who never heard that from my parents, I could have used it, even though I would not have believed it.

[1810] Right.

[1811] To know somebody believes that.

[1812] would have been helpful.

[1813] Yeah, 100%.

[1814] But I want to ask you, what if your parents said, you're smarter than all your friends, you're more creative than all your friends, you're a self -starter more than all your friends, you are currently brown, which is scary to young people, but as you get older, that people won't have that because they're not that terrified of being with someone different.

[1815] All that's going to change and you're going to hit an age where you're going to blow all of these friends, out of the water that's the reality of what happened mixed with also you didn't realize people liked you i would argue which i always argue that's a game plan and it's the truth well no it's like what i want to say is if you're going to evaluate yourself based on how you look compared to jenny you're going to lose for the rest of your life you're going to have a shitty fucking existence if you focus on the things that are exceptional and wonderful and attractive about yourself and you put all your eggs in that basket, you're going to have a much better life.

[1816] I just think all that person hears then is, okay, well, I look horrible and there's a world full of Jenny's and I'll never be that and great, there's other things, but I want this thing that I can't have.

[1817] Yeah, and you can't have it.

[1818] And the quicker you accept that in life, the more productive your life's going to be.

[1819] I'm not going to look like Brad Pitt.

[1820] It's not going to happen.

[1821] Next, I'm better dancer than Brad Pitt.

[1822] I'm funnier than Brad Pitt.

[1823] Yeah.

[1824] Well, let's just focus on that, you know?

[1825] Um, oh, has 420 ever overlapped with Easter?

[1826] Yes, April 20th, 2014, it overlap.

[1827] Oh, what a time to be alive.

[1828] Yeah.

[1829] Good day.

[1830] What a great day.

[1831] We were talking about Ben and Matt and you said that those guys went to Harvard, but only Matt went to Harvard.

[1832] Only Matt Damon went to Harvard.

[1833] Where did Ben go?

[1834] I think he went to the University of Vermont or someplace in Vermont, but then he dropped out.

[1835] Oh, he did.

[1836] He's not a college graduate.

[1837] Is that a mark against him?

[1838] No, no. It's even, it's a mark.

[1839] It's a plus.

[1840] Everything's a plus.

[1841] So when Matt goes to Harvard, it's a Plus.

[1842] And then when Ben drops out, it's a plus.

[1843] Of course.

[1844] Yes.

[1845] Because he made it despite everything.

[1846] Yeah.

[1847] The cold winter, especially.

[1848] Oh.

[1849] Okay.

[1850] Well, I want to fact check something I said because we were talking about the rub and tug.

[1851] Oh, and Bob Kraft.

[1852] Yes.

[1853] Yeah.

[1854] And you asked me, in theory, is it okay to fuck for money?

[1855] And I said yes.

[1856] And I still say yes, in theory, but with cats.

[1857] If that woman is empowered, if that woman knows everything that's happening, if she feels like she's really making the decision, yes, absolutely.

[1858] But I didn't say that and I want to make sure that's clear because no, I think even if they're saying yes, I want to, often they just don't feel like they have another option or they don't actually have another option or they're not fully in touch with what's going on.

[1859] So somebody who is, of course, yes.

[1860] Oh, and I wanted to add a thing that I've learned after that evening about Bob Kraft.

[1861] Do you know this part about him?

[1862] That he's a widower?

[1863] No, I didn't know that.

[1864] Yeah, that's a bummer.

[1865] I mean, I'm sorry, but if some person is just, is a widower, love their wife, and need some human connection, and that's the best they can do, I think that's sad.

[1866] I don't think that's like a monster.

[1867] I don't think it's a monster.

[1868] And I don't think it's...

[1869] People are acting like he's a monster.

[1870] But to me, it's not a story about him.

[1871] It's a story about these women.

[1872] Like, that's the problem.

[1873] The problem isn't that he went and did that.

[1874] For me, I guess for a lot of people, it is.

[1875] Yeah, for a lot of people are finger wagging.

[1876] Like, he's amoral and they're not.

[1877] That's my issue with it.

[1878] It's all, everyone's a scumbag.

[1879] Everyone fucks up.

[1880] Everyone does regrettable things.

[1881] Yeah.

[1882] And anytime you're pumped that someone else got busted for doing a, you know, some human failure.

[1883] I just think, who are you kidding?

[1884] I mean, to get it biblical, to cast the first stone.

[1885] You love the Bible.

[1886] I love the Bible.

[1887] It's just reading it before you got here.

[1888] Yeah, I know.

[1889] That's all.

[1890] That was it?

[1891] Yeah.

[1892] Oh, okay.

[1893] I'm really not very many facts, as I said.

[1894] Right.

[1895] And you're upset about my opinion about the attractive thing?

[1896] No, I'm not upset.

[1897] Oh, I feel like I hurt your feelings.

[1898] No, you didn't hurt my feelings, but I am just remembering back to that.

[1899] It's a hurtful world.

[1900] But I stand by the fact that I do think that would have been helpful to hear and know from somebody on earth.

[1901] My mom told me I was handsome all the time, which I appreciate.

[1902] And I know she really thinks I am.

[1903] Yeah.

[1904] But it didn't have any impact on my self -evaluation, unfortunately.

[1905] You know, I didn't look like Mason Hicks.

[1906] I didn't look like Trevor Robinson.

[1907] You know, I had a handful of people I wanted to look like that I didn't look like.

[1908] yeah of course but it's not even that it's that you have some confidence that you may not like the way you look but somebody does there's at least one or two people who do yeah it makes a difference i think i think i don't you know that's just my opinion on it no i agree with you i guess the only thing i'm pushing back on is knowing you and knowing how stubborn you are knowing how long i have been telling you, you're missing when guys like you, I am inclined to think that you wouldn't have taken on that information regardless.

[1909] Maybe not consciously.

[1910] Maybe not consciously.

[1911] When you feel like shit, you feel like shit.

[1912] But maybe this is part of that is my point, my greater issues of this.

[1913] I don't know if that could have been helpful.

[1914] You're still very delusional about how you look.

[1915] And everywhere we go, people hold up signs and guys want to take you out.

[1916] Because they like my personality.

[1917] No, they also think you're hot.

[1918] Yes, they like your personality.

[1919] They also think you're hot.

[1920] And I understand you don't feel that way, but I wish you understood you were wrong.

[1921] That's my only goal is I wish you understood your image of yourself is dramatically wrong.

[1922] Okay.

[1923] It is.

[1924] Okay.

[1925] Thousand percent.

[1926] That's all.

[1927] That's all.

[1928] I love you.

[1929] I love you.

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