Sarah Silverman

[0] Hi, my name is Sarah Silverman, and I feel grateful to be about being Conan O 'Brien.

[1] You know, you almost had it.

[2] You almost had it.

[3] The pause was so dramatic.

[4] It really pulled me in, and my heart was pounding.

[5] And then you said grateful and I was so happy.

[6] And then you said about to be within a who and a ha.

[7] But I find the mistakes to be where the stuff is.

[8] Fall is here, back to school, ring the bell, brand new, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, are going to be friends.

[9] Hello, Conan O 'Brien here.

[10] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast.

[11] where we take advantage to the fact that you can't see my face.

[12] Aw.

[13] No, it's actually nice.

[14] It's very, I don't know, it's very relaxing.

[15] Okay.

[16] Test show people are very happy when they're not looking at my broad Irish face.

[17] But let's talk about you guys because I don't do this podcast alone.

[18] And we got a lot of comments that I should.

[19] Aww.

[20] No, no, I, seriously, a lot of mail.

[21] A lot of mail coming in.

[22] Oh, actual mail, huh?

[23] Yeah, real mail coming in, which is unusual.

[24] But a lot of very old people that don't know about the Internet think I should do it alone.

[25] No, I don't do it alone, and I wouldn't want to do it alone, because I got my two pals here with me, Sonamov Sassian, my trusty assistant.

[26] Hey, Sona.

[27] Hello, hello.

[28] Hello.

[29] What happened?

[30] I said hello weird, and I changed it.

[31] Matt Gorley, our producer.

[32] Hello.

[33] Yeah, very good.

[34] Very good stutter.

[35] And Sona, many of us have celebrated our new year.

[36] I understand there's an Armenian New Year.

[37] An Armenian Christmas.

[38] Oh, there's an Armenian Christmas, but not an Armenian New Year.

[39] There is, no, there's, I don't believe.

[40] there's an Armenian New Year.

[41] You don't believe.

[42] You grew up in this culture.

[43] I know, but there's a lot about it.

[44] I still don't really know.

[45] Yeah, you know the basic stuff, which is Cher is Armenian.

[46] Yeah.

[47] Lando.

[48] Caleresean?

[49] Yeah.

[50] Yeah, he is.

[51] So is Dr. Jack Kavorkian and the Kardashians are half.

[52] And all four members of System of a Down.

[53] Yes, System of a Down, the rock group.

[54] So we got some good ones.

[55] You got some good ones.

[56] You got Kavorkian.

[57] and Dr. Death.

[58] Hey, we got Dr. Death.

[59] I would list the people that are in the Irish category, but, well, there's a lot of good and bad mixed in there, so I won't do that.

[60] How do you identify, Gourley?

[61] Scotch Irish.

[62] Scotch Irish.

[63] A little tight with a buck, huh?

[64] That's the old.

[65] Oh, really?

[66] People used to think Scotch, you know, they're a little tight with the wallet.

[67] Oh, I didn't know that.

[68] Yeah.

[69] Are you frugal?

[70] I wouldn't say I am.

[71] Okay.

[72] Yeah.

[73] I don't think you've ever picked up the check when I'm around.

[74] No, that's true.

[75] No one picks up the check when you're around.

[76] When I'm around, no one.

[77] No, I bought concessions when we went to the movie that time.

[78] Oh, that's nice.

[79] Oh, you bought concessions.

[80] Okay.

[81] I'm never given the opportunity.

[82] So you got me a snow cap is what you're saying, a box of snow caps.

[83] You got me a single raisinette.

[84] It's more than anybody else in this room.

[85] Whenever I take you out, Gorley, you always, you tuck a napkin into your shirt and then you start ordering the best wines you go for the best steak.

[86] I thought we were on a date.

[87] I thought I was being wined and dined.

[88] Yeah.

[89] Nothing happened afterwards, that's for sure.

[90] I'll pay you back.

[91] Are you disappointed?

[92] Nothing happened?

[93] Yeah, wait a minute.

[94] That flew by me. Yeah.

[95] Well, you should pay attention next time.

[96] I've really missed out.

[97] Many times people have probably professed their love and you never heard it.

[98] I don't know.

[99] I've never paid for anything for you.

[100] That's true.

[101] I mean, I've got to.

[102] you gifts and stuff.

[103] You give me gifts.

[104] I sent you a Christmas card and it came back.

[105] Yeah.

[106] No, because you put your name on the recording address.

[107] I set myself up.

[108] Oh, man. Why did I say that?

[109] Why did I send the card in the first?

[110] No, no, there is actually a message with the post office that if a goarly tries to contact me, that I have you done as a security threat.

[111] So they probably actually scanned the letter five different times.

[112] I came back and then my wife opened up.

[113] Did you not have my right address?

[114] I did, but I don't know what happened.

[115] Did you put a stamp on it?

[116] If you put a stamp on it and you had my correct address, then it should have come to me. I'll bring it to you.

[117] Are you sure you had the correct address?

[118] I believe so.

[119] I think I know what happened and I'll clear it up after.

[120] I see what happened.

[121] You were living in a safe house?

[122] No, you probably assumed, oh, here's Conan's house.

[123] That's where he gets his mail.

[124] I see, yeah.

[125] But I get my mail on Catalina.

[126] I take a boat to Catalina to get my mail.

[127] It's a, again, other security precaution.

[128] Okay.

[129] A lot of angry podcast people out there.

[130] I got to lay low.

[131] So you take a boat to Catalina?

[132] Yes, I have my, that's a trick people.

[133] If I wanted to kill you, I would find a way to make that boat sink.

[134] Oh, what?

[135] I was just saying, if I, I don't know.

[136] What are you talking about?

[137] You see me every day.

[138] If you wanted to kill me, you'd just get me with a stapler when I'm standing there.

[139] A stapler.

[140] Or whatever.

[141] Stapler of the jugular.

[142] So they do it in prison.

[143] Yeah, but I don't want them to suspect me. But why did you bring up killing him?

[144] That was kind of out of nowhere.

[145] It was.

[146] I was.

[147] I thought he meant like...

[148] That was awkward.

[149] I'm sorry.

[150] I thought we were talking about murdering you.

[151] I'm really sorry.

[152] You always think we're talking about murdering me. I do.

[153] I mean, I like where your head's at.

[154] When I ask you for a roast beef sandwich, you're like, are we talking about murdering you?

[155] When I say, hey, did you hear Beyonce's new album?

[156] You're like, hey, we were talking about murdering you?

[157] I don't know why.

[158] I think of you and I think of murder.

[159] I think we should get into our first guest today.

[160] And I'm going to say, I said first guest, but only guest.

[161] Yeah.

[162] And you don't need another guest when you have this guest.

[163] because she's the guestiest of all the guests.

[164] The possible exception of Chris guest.

[165] Yeah, I'm intoxicated.

[166] Very excited.

[167] My guest today's an Emmy award -winning comedian who's been in the comedy world for over 25 years.

[168] You know her from Serenet Live, the Larry Sanders show, the Sarah Silverman program.

[169] If this doesn't give it away, I don't know what would.

[170] And Disney's Wreck -it Ralph, I am thrilled she's here with us today.

[171] I so admire this person and have so much affection for Sarah Silverman.

[172] welcome sarah i'm going fucking crazy i felt like i go i feel like a brain fog i want to be sharp you know i you're holding a red bull i step by and i got a sugar -free red bull and now i've had maybe even half of it which is a lot for me yeah and i feel fucking crazy yeah can i just say that foam is coming out of your eyes right now a blue a blue foam uh i love it you're here you know how people get white shit on the corner of their mouth i get it on the corner of my eyes yeah All right.

[173] Here's the thing.

[174] I think we are friends because I don't go to a lot of parties.

[175] I really don't.

[176] I get sort of...

[177] Nor I. And you threw a party recently and I told my wife, this is the party I want to go to.

[178] Sarah Silverman's having a party.

[179] It's in L .A. It's on a rooftop of a building, an apartment building.

[180] I won't say where that seems to be populated by exclusively old people and you.

[181] Yeah.

[182] Every time I've been there before and it's mostly octogenarian.

[183] wandering around in the lobby and then you go up and you take this elevator and old people are looking at you suspiciously and you get to the top and it's one of the greatest parties ever.

[184] You have the best party.

[185] It's fantastic.

[186] Every time I've been and you had a sand drawn sign when you walked into the party that said, do not solicit for your podcast.

[187] No podcast soliciting.

[188] No podcast soliciting.

[189] And I did not.

[190] I just knew that that would happen eventually.

[191] I didn't mean it personally or, you know, it's just, I just wanted to be a place where no one's dreading a conversation or, you know.

[192] There are a lot of people have podcasts there.

[193] Yes.

[194] I think everybody there had a podcast.

[195] And I witnessed Mark Marin talking to Albert Brooks.

[196] And Mark Merrin wasn't soliciting, but I think you could tell that Albert Brooks has been asked a bunch of times So Albert was like, give me the microphone, we'll do it now.

[197] Right.

[198] And it was just all like they were talking about.

[199] And it was just clear that this was a backstory.

[200] Everybody there had a podcast and was eyeing who could be on their podcast.

[201] No, no, they weren't really.

[202] It was a very nice party.

[203] Yeah, it's just such a good mix of people, nice people.

[204] Anyone who goes, I feel like they'll know at least four people and then they'll meet at least four people.

[205] Yes.

[206] I wish I wasn't so nasal.

[207] What if I talked to like this?

[208] I was surprised the Saudi prince who murdered Khashoggi was there.

[209] I didn't realize you guys were close.

[210] You know what?

[211] People see only that side of him.

[212] He is.

[213] He loves animals.

[214] Yeah, I said, you know, so you murdered.

[215] He was like, you know, I'm more than that.

[216] And you jumped to his defense and said he is.

[217] And he always said he also is a good cook.

[218] He's just fun.

[219] Yeah.

[220] With friendship.

[221] No, it was a fun party, Jared Kushner.

[222] Why was he there?

[223] Conan, this is starting to.

[224] It was a very alt -right party.

[225] That's the only thing that surprised me. Sean Hannity was there, and you and he were doing shots.

[226] Yeah, Hannity.

[227] And he was like, I love you, Sarah.

[228] No, it really was a wonderful evening.

[229] You've been in that building for a while, and do the older people that live there understand, like, what's going on when you have these parties?

[230] Since I moved in, three people have died of old age on my floor.

[231] But I like being like the kid.

[232] You know, I like it.

[233] And I like apartment living.

[234] I can't.

[235] It's so, you know, when I go to my friend's houses, I go, whoa, like, it's a whole house, you know.

[236] And I go, I should live like this.

[237] But then I just, I don't like to have too much space.

[238] I mean, I guess in a perfect world, I'd love to have like a meadow or something.

[239] but you have a yard no one has a meadow a meadow in new hampshire we lived across a meadow that just nobody owned did you see sometimes did you see like deer drinking from a stream yeah uh yes wow yeah there's some deer mostly in the winter you'd see like deer uh and you'd see their their footprints and then you'd just see one thing of footprints and that was when i was carrying it and then sometimes yeah Jesus would carry you as you carried the deer.

[240] Yeah.

[241] Did you ever remember that?

[242] Yeah.

[243] Yes, and.

[244] I want to do this with you.

[245] I want to make comedy.

[246] No, let's not do that.

[247] You know what?

[248] There's too much comedy.

[249] Don't you think?

[250] There's too much comedy.

[251] And I think that's why I started this podcast is to try and stop it.

[252] I like to get very funny people here and then get them talking about serious issues.

[253] Let's get serious.

[254] Yeah.

[255] Let's get on.

[256] Comfortable.

[257] No one says that with that tone of voice.

[258] You know what?

[259] I always forget that you and Sandler are from New Hampshire because you don't seem...

[260] Anyone listening right now has a perception of what someone from New Hampshire is like.

[261] And then Sarah Silverman and Adam Sandler don't fit that mold.

[262] We don't represent New Hampshire well.

[263] Seth Myers, too, is from there.

[264] He's from the same town.

[265] Both of them are because we were from Manchester and then we moved to Bedford.

[266] But Seth, I could kind of.

[267] see it.

[268] I could see him wearing like a hat with ear flaps trudging in big thick boots.

[269] I could just see it a little bit.

[270] I know what you're saying.

[271] Adam and I are big, fat Jews.

[272] And you just don't see that in New Hampshire.

[273] You said it and I couldn't.

[274] Let me do this for you.

[275] Let me do this for you.

[276] Thanks for finishing my sentence.

[277] People all growing up when I was growing up in New Hampshire, they'd go, where in New York are you from?

[278] And I'd go, what's New York?

[279] I'm from here.

[280] And then, you know, So now I realize it's because they go Jews are from New York and they're right.

[281] Yes.

[282] But I didn't know.

[283] She's Jenny on the block.

[284] She's from Queens.

[285] She's from Brooklyn.

[286] She's from Staten Island.

[287] You know what I mean?

[288] I lost my virginity in Astoria, Queens.

[289] Really?

[290] Yeah.

[291] Want to talk about that?

[292] Or should we just maybe not?

[293] It's up to you.

[294] I was a comedian.

[295] It was to a comedian.

[296] Okay.

[297] Was this Jeff Dunham?

[298] No. Was it Jeff Dunham or one of his puppets?

[299] Does he have the puppets with him?

[300] It was like the super racist.

[301] It was the skeleton like a turban guy.

[302] Just like if you revealed it, it was guy with puppets and props.

[303] It was Gallagher 2.

[304] Oh, it was Gallagher 2 is who you...

[305] Remember how they...

[306] So you know how Gallagher sold his...

[307] Yes.

[308] Gallagher sold his whole act to his brother.

[309] Yes.

[310] And they called him Gallagher 2.

[311] And I remember hearing the radio ads And they did it in a tricky way They go, do you like Gallagher?

[312] Well, I like Gallagher too And he's playing at blah, blah, blah, blah.

[313] How pissed were those people when they showed up And it was a different guy Who looked like Gallagher smashing a melon?

[314] Could they tell?

[315] Did they know?

[316] Yeah.

[317] There was no disappointment at all.

[318] Yeah.

[319] Okay, well, so you lose your virginity at 19.

[320] Mine was a little later.

[321] Was it really?

[322] How old were you?

[323] It was during Obama's second.

[324] term.

[325] Seriot.

[326] Were you under 23?

[327] Yes.

[328] Were you over 20?

[329] My parents listen to this and I'm still hyper -Cathletes.

[330] Are you positive your parents listen to this?

[331] You're right.

[332] I don't listen to it.

[333] Yes, I was under 21.

[334] I was under 20.

[335] It's all good, you know?

[336] You're 17.

[337] Let's just say it was a magical moment in my life.

[338] It was not a comedian.

[339] I wasn't in the comedy world then.

[340] I wanted to be in the comedy.

[341] Were you at Harvard?

[342] Oh, why did we have to go there?

[343] Our guest is Jim Bacchus playing Thurston Howell the Third.

[344] Oh, lovey.

[345] You didn't know I did impressions.

[346] Oh, that's a good one.

[347] Lovey.

[348] Let me start by saying something very positive about it.

[349] And when I say start, I mean, we've already been talking.

[350] Did we start recording?

[351] I think we've been recording for over four hours.

[352] No, I'm sorry.

[353] No, no. But I love, I love a lot of things about you.

[354] You did something I thought was hilarious on my show recently which is you came on dressed as Hitler and you were upset that people were comparing you to Trump that was so great but I thought that was somebody's idea on your staff.

[355] Oh really?

[356] Oh my God, I didn't know you but you I'd love to take credit for it but I may have like tweaked a thing here or there or whatever we're going to but like no the idea was someone a writer for your show I wish I knew who you were the whoever thought of it you were the only person that could do it and it was clear and you came out and you came out and first of all you were a very attractive Hitler which was confusing and confused me for a while but then your attitude was just very reasonably upset that people keep I was bad but I'm not that bad and it was so funny and there's a lot of political comedy that, you know, I admire it's just that it can get very shrill and angry and this was visually so silly and so wrong and so well played that I just thought, yeah, in a way that's the kind of political comedy I like.

[357] Yeah.

[358] It's just, it's absurdist and somehow to me, it speaks to me more than if you would just come out and had 15 Trump jokes.

[359] No, I prefer aggressively dumb silly, you know, especially if you might have something quote unquote to say, because otherwise you just, if it doesn't, if it isn't sandwiched with really dumb shit, you're just, I feel like, as a viewer, I'd be like, fuck you, you know.

[360] Yeah, yeah.

[361] Well, this is what's interesting right now in comedy is that there's this expectation that if you're not speaking truth to power, as a comic, you're copping out of the big struggle right now.

[362] And I think, well, it's interesting, your first job as a comedian is to be funny and then you've got to figure out how to reconcile that with what's happening but you can't just get mad because then you're not a comedian anymore does that make sense but it's so silly because doing comedy is figuring out like what you care about and what you're interested and what you want to talk about so it's like i had a comic friend call me and he was like i feel like i'm not talking about what's going on in the world and like um i you know like i you know I'm, my stuff isn't about anything political and I feel like guilty about it.

[363] And I was like, that's such a gift.

[364] You know, like people need that.

[365] Yeah.

[366] I remember my mom before she died, I, I'm not glad she died, obviously.

[367] But like, in a way, I'm relieved.

[368] She didn't see, like, she died thinking Hillary or Bernie were going to be the president.

[369] Did she pass away just before that election?

[370] Yeah.

[371] So, like, but she would watch MSNBC not, she was the opposite of the Fox News.

[372] like she and constantly and on that like daily coast and she would get so worked up and I'd be like mom like you have to sometimes just watch a bones or something like for me I watch law and order or something like but you've got to it's not healthy to just be into all this stuff I'm gonna jump in say I don't think she should have watched a bones but I'm okay with law and order okay bones I like the first two seasons and then they lost me right so I'm glad that I hope that's not what your mother was doing when she passed away No. She was struggling to breathe, actually.

[373] It's kidding.

[374] Oh, God.

[375] I, oh, God.

[376] Well, there we go.

[377] Faf, Fas.

[378] Sorry, Mom.

[379] No, no, no. You're not sorry.

[380] But it was so good.

[381] I don't know how we get out of this mess.

[382] We just progress.

[383] We go.

[384] I always say I'm of the we've been here before school, which is maybe a sound like a cop -out.

[385] Maybe like during the Weimar Republic.

[386] I think Civil War You know, yeah I'm not saying it's good that we're here But I think that as humans we've been here before And we have to get ourselves out of it Well yeah I mean I think that after World War II There is a lot of kind of self -reflection And like never forgettiness And we forgot to never forget And like facing history in ourselves Is something that has not touched this generation and beyond And so So, like, everything's repeating because our leaders live unexamined lives, and we suffer from their choices based on daddy issues, you know.

[387] But I'm going to enlighten things now.

[388] Let's talk about someone we both love, Gary Shandling.

[389] Yeah.

[390] And I was unaware, I found out actually, I knew that you had a connection with Gary and you guys were very connected.

[391] But when Gary Shandling passed away, I thought you were one of the most eloquent people.

[392] speaking about him, you know, in the documentary, the Judd Apatow did, and also...

[393] He did such a good job.

[394] He did a great, you know, he did, it's not my place to use this word, but I really thought what Judd did was a mitzvah for Gary.

[395] It was just this big, hey, everybody shut up for a second and pay attention to this person who is Gary Shandling because you need to understand how special he was.

[396] But you were terrific.

[397] I thought you were great.

[398] Just talking about Gary as a person, something that you, played basketball with, who was your comedy mentor and spent a lot of time teaching you about comedy and helping you.

[399] He had the patience to say, yes, I will sit with you and I will talk to you and I'll play basketball with you, but I'll also talk to you about stuff you're going through and what you're trying to do was a comic.

[400] Oh, yeah.

[401] And he learned, everything he learned, he learned really the hard way, just like so many of us with lots of things.

[402] But what he learned, he kind of gave us on a silver platter, you know, the lessons that, you know, a lot of things that sometimes you have to go through it yourself, but he was very generous with the things that he kind of learned in a much harder way than he did.

[403] Yeah, I remembered him helping me, had to host something.

[404] No, when you hosted the Emmys and he wrote it, he wrote in the back of the horse.

[405] Yes, but he also came to me before we...

[406] I don't think I ever laughed harder in my life than that.

[407] He did the, I just asked him to participate in this bit where I start to fall in love with Jennifer Aniston.

[408] She's sitting in the audience and I start to get distracted and fall in love with her.

[409] And then Brad Pitt is sitting next to her and the camera swings to him.

[410] And he's staring at me with hate and then you cut to me being rattled and then you see me turn and fall in love with someone even more deeply and it was Gary.

[411] And it worked great and Gary played it perfectly and then we cut to the montage of us on the horse which was really fun.

[412] But what he did is he showed up that session just to shoot this thing on the horse and he said what do you got for your monologue what he got let's go through it yeah and like a really good piano teacher he had me go through all my jokes really thoughtfully not in a sycophantic or not like oh that's just great man but like uh -huh uh -huh yep that one uh yeah that one huh he was just like a doctor looking at your chart you know generous generous and he loved it yeah Kevin Ewan tells a story about them all playing basketball maybe you and it's this and then literally like a bug, like a ladybug or something was crossing and he made everybody stop playing and picked up the bug and carried it off the court because he didn't want this little bug to get mashed and when I play basketball I try to use the ball to hit any creature I can.

[413] Do you remember in New England I don't think you're that much older than me but there was a summer.

[414] I'm 77 years old.

[415] There was a summer where monarch butterflies the caterpillars before they turn into monarch butterflies blew in en masse, and they were, they covered everything.

[416] They covered the whole driveway, everything.

[417] And I remember my sister and I, we would play basketball before dinner, and you couldn't even dribble a ball without, like, killing five of them.

[418] You don't remember that?

[419] I remember my dad brought us all each a flamethrower, and we just...

[420] That's not true.

[421] No, true.

[422] He brought them, he got them.

[423] government issue and we were just walking around the neighborhood and these things would try and fly just in flames.

[424] The whole air was filled with just flames.

[425] You're doing a funny comedy bit.

[426] Is it funny or did you just put quotes around funny?

[427] I think you did.

[428] I think you put quotes around funny.

[429] I think in a way, we all did.

[430] Sorry to interrupt.

[431] I don't remember the Monarch thing.

[432] I wish I did.

[433] I'm really looking for a connection with you.

[434] You're never going to get it.

[435] I'm damaged.

[436] Let's take a break and I'm going to get some help.

[437] And we're back.

[438] Whoa.

[439] Did you like that?

[440] Yeah.

[441] Interesting things.

[442] Those were ads that we just ran.

[443] Yeah, I'd like to buy some of those or sign up for that.

[444] Really?

[445] Do you want a fracture print?

[446] Those are on glass.

[447] I've done 700 ads for fracture.

[448] And I'm mentioning them right now and I don't, I'm not even getting paid.

[449] If a photograph isn't on glass, then you're an ass.

[450] Is that?

[451] That's the line they use at fracture.

[452] Whoa.

[453] I feel like you made that up But that would be really If it's not printed on something shiny You should shove it up your heinie That's an actual quote for fracture And please ladies and gentlemen If you don't put fractured glass A picture of Jim Backus Then you should shove it all up your tuckus I don't think any of this is airable But it's gonna air Where this is going out there And but I say air I think it's a podcast It doesn't air does it?

[454] So I'm using the wrong language It gets posted yeah It gets posted That's so sad.

[455] Downloaded.

[456] That just sounds so bloodless.

[457] What kind of show business are we in now?

[458] I don't know.

[459] Sarah and I want to be in show business where there's a crowd and there's people and this is going out on the air.

[460] We don't want to be making stuff that's downloaded.

[461] It's been posted.

[462] What is that?

[463] I mean, I feel like it's the way you're saying it because you could be like you could download it and we'll post it.

[464] Yeah, thank you.

[465] Oh.

[466] So it's the way I'm saying.

[467] You could say, oh, you planted a tree in Israel.

[468] It's just that depends on how you say it.

[469] Oh, you donated to a cause that saved hundreds of thousands of lives.

[470] Oh, you cured cancer and saved a whole species.

[471] Oh, for a price of cup of coffee, you helped a kid go to school in Africa.

[472] Well, actually, that does sound stupid.

[473] The coffee, how good is the coffee?

[474] The coffee's really good.

[475] What comes first?

[476] These are just questions that need to be asked.

[477] Not by me, but by someone who has nothing to lose.

[478] No, I'd like to, I'm not here to promote anything, but I would like to offer myself.

[479] I would love to do, this is regional, but I always want to sing this.

[480] No, I don't want to blow it.

[481] 94 -7 the wave.

[482] Ooh.

[483] You think they'd let me do that?

[484] I think you just did.

[485] They still do it.

[486] Do they still do that?

[487] Of course.

[488] That's still the song.

[489] I don't want to take the gig away.

[490] What is it?

[491] 94 -7 -the -way -he.

[492] Yeah, that was a great one too.

[493] I wonder if we're going to get any money.

[494] We could harmonize it.

[495] 94 -7 -the -way -ha.

[496] I go high, you go low.

[497] 94 -7 -the -way -ha.

[498] you just sing the melody.

[499] I can't do it.

[500] I don't think I can do it.

[501] 94 -7 the wave.

[502] All right, I'll do that.

[503] That's what you should do.

[504] Here we go.

[505] 94 -7 the wave.

[506] Listen, we've probably lost people with this whole 94 -7 -the -wave thing.

[507] I encourage you to come back.

[508] I encourage you, you've probably pulled your car up.

[509] Did we do it?

[510] That's got it.

[511] We've been talking for like eight hours.

[512] Oh, no, no. This is going to be a marathon.

[513] You're here for a long time.

[514] Is this for a smile train?

[515] You're not...

[516] This is one of those 44 -hour podcasts.

[517] You don't leave until I have a full coppery fisherman's beard.

[518] Wait, did I ever tell you that I have a...

[519] I feel like a good podcast story about you, but maybe I did tell it to you, or maybe I've said it on your show.

[520] I don't think so.

[521] Let's hear it.

[522] If it's about me, me want it.

[523] Yeah, yeah, okay.

[524] I mean, this is vulnerable, but of course it was a lifetime ago.

[525] So you were doing your show in New York.

[526] York.

[527] You were single.

[528] Yeah.

[529] And I always had boyfriends, but I was suddenly single.

[530] And then I came to do your show and I brought my best friend, Heidi.

[531] And this is how there's, you know, when you are a woman, a young woman, like I had such a prowess.

[532] I was so uber confident in my sexuality and like, I mean, I think this was good for me. So anyway, I go, I was coming to do your show.

[533] And I I say to my friend Heidi, you know what?

[534] I'm going to make out with Conan after the show tonight.

[535] It wasn't even like I'm going to try or I have a crush on him.

[536] It was just a choice that I was making heading into the show.

[537] Right.

[538] And it was so arrogant that I said to Heidi, we're in the dressing room.

[539] And I go, yeah, I'm going to make out with Conan.

[540] And so can you get your own ride home?

[541] I said to Heidi, I go, you're going to have to get your own ride home.

[542] Like take a cab home or the subway.

[543] Just let's make that plan now.

[544] You're so uncomfortable.

[545] I'm incredibly uncomfortable, but also so...

[546] You know that we're...

[547] This was...

[548] No, no. I'm in...

[549] 20 -something years ago.

[550] Guess what?

[551] I'm...

[552] Please, I'm in very intrigued.

[553] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[554] I am incredibly intrigued.

[555] And so you come in, because you'd always come in to say hello.

[556] Yeah.

[557] And, you know, I adored you.

[558] And I was in sex kitten mode.

[559] It's, you know, not rare.

[560] It's rare because I almost...

[561] always as a, I would always have a boyfriend so I would only be like, I didn't see other men as sexual beings ever.

[562] It was very rare.

[563] And so you come in and I'm like, I like touched your tie.

[564] And I was like, I like your tie.

[565] You know?

[566] Right, right, right.

[567] And you go, thanks.

[568] And you go, guess what?

[569] And I go what?

[570] And you go, I'm engaged.

[571] You had just got engaged Eliza like that day or the day before.

[572] And I immediately go, oh my god amazing but i'm eyeing my best friend in the corner of the room dying laughing and she's a loose canon so i was while i was saying like that's amazing i'm so happy for you and i was you know of course but like i was so afraid she was gonna say something wait a minute wait a minute what you're saying is that i was cock blocked by my wife yeah by liza i could have i'm just thinking of what could have happened except the mother of my children I mean I don't I was so arrogantly confident for whatever reason I listen if were it not for the woman whose name I will not mention because she's on my shit list now I should that be hilarious just to chew her out you don't know the terror of having a loose canon friend like Heidi just right behind you holding her stomach she's dying laughing and like me being so scared she was going to say something Let's imagine I mean would that have Okay let me just play a little game here Just as a creepy old man Oh we'd surely be married Listen Well I don't know Let's say I hadn't said that Let's say I hadn't met Liza yet Would we have made out And how would that have happened I'd have taken you to a red lobster I would neg you Like it says to in the book the game Really?

[573] You'd have neg me me, like, said, oh, your lips are so thin.

[574] You're so pale.

[575] Oh, you're...

[576] I don't know.

[577] I'm not very in touch with the girl I once was.

[578] Okay.

[579] But, you know.

[580] I don't think the nagging would have worked for me. I think I would have been like, you're right.

[581] I better go.

[582] That's how I would respond to the nagging.

[583] Wow.

[584] That's a great.

[585] That makes me...

[586] Is that a good story?

[587] That's a really good story.

[588] I've never heard that.

[589] I've never heard that.

[590] I've never heard that story.

[591] And I love that story.

[592] and wondering if any other people out there have a similar story about me, you know?

[593] You're all flush and your posture is better.

[594] No, you just have a spring in your step.

[595] I have a new, I now, I'm like the Grinch at the end of the Grinch's sole Christmas.

[596] I can lift 20 times my own weight right now because Sarah Silverman just said she entertained the idea of making out with me once.

[597] Well, you should take that as a compliment.

[598] I do.

[599] I mean, because that's, you know, I mean, And you're so brilliant and funny and tall and you're attractive.

[600] But, and not to take anything away.

[601] But there was a time in my youth, you know, back in my 20s like that, where I just was very free sexually.

[602] And I would just in my, you know, I would be like when I was single, I would be like, what do his balls look like?

[603] What do his balls look like?

[604] What do his balls look like?

[605] You know?

[606] And so you really, was it just, I want to see their testicles?

[607] Well, I just like I was just so, I think because I lost my virginity late, you know, like at 19, I was like, oh, my God, I love this.

[608] I love this form of connection.

[609] I like the way it feels.

[610] I like the power I feel from it probably.

[611] I mean, I don't know that I articulate, could articulate that.

[612] And so I was very like, you were free.

[613] Gluttonous and free and curious and like didn't.

[614] Now I feel, I'm now, I'm now.

[615] I'm single now, and I, it's different.

[616] You know, like, I feel very, I almost have like a fear of men lately, you know, like I. Really?

[617] Why's that?

[618] I just, I've just always organically had long -term boyfriends.

[619] Right.

[620] And I am very much enjoying being alone.

[621] Mm -hmm.

[622] I love, love.

[623] I really do.

[624] But I just am, do you know the feeling of, uh, it's kind of an actor.

[625] maybe feeling, or no, anybody.

[626] Like, if you don't know when your next gig is, then you're stressing and you're not enjoying your free time.

[627] And inevitably, you do get your next gig.

[628] But if you know I have a gig in a month, like a long -term gig, you can enjoy that month.

[629] So, like, I feel like my person is going to come get me. And in the meantime, I'm really, like, maybe overly enjoying being, I need to be alone as a person anyway, regularly every day.

[630] And, but like, I'm just loving, doing anything I want at all times and disappointing nobody, you know.

[631] That's lovely.

[632] It's odd being a woman my age.

[633] I'm in my late 40s.

[634] It's just odd.

[635] I don't have many single peers.

[636] I guess I just, I haven't felt, I've been feeling unsafe lately.

[637] You know, Whitney Cummings, I don't remember what the joke part of is it, but she, She made a point that so, like, I realized, it didn't occur to me that men didn't, that men, why would men think about this, you know, because you, but like, you maybe don't realize, like, when we do spots around town, comedians, women comedians, it's scary walking back to your car, you know, or like, it's scary, like, walking back to my hotel last night.

[638] Like I keep Mace, you know, I'm a positive person and I love people and I like talking to strangers, but like I hold Mace in my hand to walk home so I can just feel safe, you know, but it's so different.

[639] Well, I would say in the last couple of years, the biggest thing I've been saying to myself, I don't know.

[640] I don't know what it's like.

[641] I just don't know what it's like.

[642] And no one's looking for an answer for me. I need to shut up and listen because I don't know.

[643] And I understand that perspective with people of color.

[644] Yeah, yeah.

[645] I don't know.

[646] And so when there are times where I have to say, wait a minute, I'm a guy, I'm a male, I'm six foot four, away about 195 pounds.

[647] And I'm never scared when I walk to my car.

[648] Yeah, I mean, that must be awesome.

[649] Well, the thing is, I take it for granted because I've never had that.

[650] I don't have it.

[651] And so it takes a second to stop and shut up.

[652] and then see, oh, I have no idea what it's like.

[653] I know what it was like for me to be a comedy writer coming up in the 80s and 90s, and things felt hard for me. And I have no fucking idea how hard it was for women.

[654] Here's a very recent example.

[655] Did you have to punch in a code to pee when we both went to pee?

[656] I did.

[657] Oh, you did?

[658] Yeah.

[659] But I, but I use the women's numbers.

[660] room routinely.

[661] I just find it erotic.

[662] When I was at SNL the one year I was there, there was a code you had to punch in to use the ladies room and of course the men's room was just open.

[663] Right.

[664] And that was for, there's a reason they had to put a thing that had a code on the door.

[665] No, in this building, there's a code on the guides thing as well, which surprised me because I've never had to, I don't remember putting a code in to use a men's room.

[666] Yeah, it's common for women's rooms.

[667] So I just urinated on the floor outside the men's room, which was my way of showing them, I think.

[668] How dare you inconvenience me. Yeah.

[669] It's so interesting seeing the roles changing between the right and the left, but it's the same play, you know, and like, I want to be rooting for people.

[670] Like, I just, I don't see what it does to just vilify someone and not just, and not hope, hope for that people.

[671] I know I grow in change.

[672] I would assume a 20 -year -old might grow in change, you know.

[673] Or like I had a massage and this guy was very earnest, very good.

[674] But my porcupine needles were up.

[675] I was lying, you know, on my stomach and, you know, you're naked under the thing.

[676] And he was doing these long motions like up my thigh.

[677] And he was like a millimeter from.

[678] my labia you know and then even poked it a couple times and it was you know and it's so scary to say anything and i know for a fact he wasn't trying to touch like the the my that he wasn't he wasn't being he wasn't trying to gratify himself no he it was just like he's like long very you know deep but i know that he wasn't intention like really matters but it also made me yeah super uptight and so I never have done this but I got I turned around and I go could you not touch my vagina and then he was like oh my god I I'm so sorry you know I can't do accents it it would but he was like I'm so sorry and I go it's just it's not at all relaxing feeling like you're about like you know yeah it's not relaxing and he goes I'm sorry I'm so sorry I go it's okay and then he finished the massage and it was good And then at the end, I said, oh, thank you so much.

[679] And he goes, I'm so sorry.

[680] And I go, I'm so glad I said something.

[681] Now, like, we both can feel better about it.

[682] And, like, you know what I mean?

[683] Like, it was, I could have just bottled it up and then, like, tweeted something about this masseuse that was, you know what I mean?

[684] It wasn't intentional.

[685] And now he'll be more aware of it.

[686] Right.

[687] And he was a good person, a great masseuse, you know.

[688] And I just, I see more opportunities to be that way.

[689] I'm not saying like, be like me with my masseuse who touched my vagina.

[690] But you can tell when the intention is not to cop a feel or is not to hurt someone.

[691] And maybe they still are anyway.

[692] But you can, you can give them a chance, like, be like, hey, you know what, when you do this, it's causing this reaction.

[693] And I would want to know.

[694] Yep.

[695] And then you go, oh, fuck, right.

[696] Yeah, I can change that.

[697] You know, like, I met this guy who's a neo -Nazi, ex -Neo -Nazi.

[698] X, that's good.

[699] Christian Picholini.

[700] Christian Picholini.

[701] Oh, okay.

[702] And, you know, he's no longer that, for years now, his whole purpose of life is getting people out of hate groups, helping people get out of hate groups.

[703] and it's incredible.

[704] But for years from when he was 14 to 29 or something, he did terrible hate crimes.

[705] He violent hate crimes he was involved in.

[706] Right.

[707] And this is someone you can interact with now.

[708] Oh, I love him.

[709] Yeah, he's so special.

[710] He's amazing.

[711] And I think because people have been introduced to him as this former this, who's now this, has dedicated his life to this, you can forgive that because it's led him to become this amazing person.

[712] Right.

[713] We're in a moment now where...

[714] What happens if we met him then?

[715] Right.

[716] But also, what happens if he has changed, but someone then comes forward and says, here's a picture of you at a hate rally.

[717] Oh, he'll post pictures of that.

[718] Right.

[719] But yeah, of course.

[720] But you know what I mean, that the idea being that people, I got tired of in my teens and 20s and 30s and into my 40s, I was extremely judgmental about comedy.

[721] I wish I had known that.

[722] I don't know if it's a biochemical thing like testosterone or something has to drop.

[723] Something has to just.

[724] Your balls.

[725] My balls.

[726] And I know you're fascinated with testicles, as you said earlier.

[727] Yeah, I guess so.

[728] I have drawings.

[729] They are miracles.

[730] I love how, like, when you're cold, they go up high towards your body to stay warm.

[731] They go in your body sometimes if you're frightened.

[732] They go up inside your body.

[733] They can go up inside.

[734] Oh, I've put them up.

[735] I've shoved them up there sometimes in times of great danger.

[736] I have two sticks for that purpose.

[737] Then if you're very hot, they go low to get some cool.

[738] Right.

[739] And when you get older, they go really low.

[740] I know.

[741] You can tuck them into your socks.

[742] It's unbelievable.

[743] I really think if I was a man, if I, I would wear tidy whitties just the way like we wear bras because I know I know someone who only wore boxers and his balls are very low and he's super depressed about it.

[744] Really?

[745] Yeah, they touch water.

[746] And he's depressed about that.

[747] Yeah, bones him out.

[748] But you think if he had been wearing protective...

[749] I think if he wore tidy whiteies instead of boxers his whole life, his balls would not be as low.

[750] What about a boxer brief, say like a sacks?

[751] That's a company that makes a boxer brief that puts the testicles in a pouch.

[752] And I mentioned them because they're a sponsor on the show.

[753] I think that's probably real smart.

[754] They encase the testicles in a special pouch.

[755] I'm wearing them now.

[756] Are you really good?

[757] I'd love to see that, but it would be disrespectful.

[758] To my wife.

[759] Yeah, to Liza, who I love.

[760] Yeah, she's lovely and she's a great person.

[761] How long have you guys been together?

[762] Well, we've been together Like 94 19 years 19 years we've been together And we've been married 17 years Wow Yeah And I'll never forget The day that I proposed to her I said She said Don't you have something to ask me Because I see you have a ring Is that true?

[763] Hold it and I said Yeah But first I need to go make out With Sarah Silverman Oh, Conan And she said, first things first.

[764] So you thought I was going to be sincere about something?

[765] Yes, I was like holding my heart.

[766] No, I don't have a human heart or soul.

[767] There's nothing in here.

[768] True.

[769] And you told me the whole story.

[770] Like you went to do a bit in the office space where she worked and she like didn't know who you were and you found that enchanting.

[771] Yeah, no, I met her.

[772] I met her on a remote.

[773] And I was shooting a remote and I stopped trying to be funny.

[774] and then I just started asking her about our life.

[775] And then it's all, you can look it up online.

[776] Conan meets his wife.

[777] And then we dated for a year and a half or so and got engaged and you were on the show with your friend.

[778] I think John Oliver met his wife that way.

[779] It's really the only reason to get into comedy.

[780] Remotes.

[781] When a guy says I'm off to shoot a remote, he's really just looking for a spouse.

[782] Right.

[783] And God forbid, Liza ever left me. I'd probably, if someone would say, Conan are you going to get out there and date again?

[784] I would say, well, I'm just going to go shoot more remotes.

[785] I'm going to just shoot.

[786] That's how I meet him.

[787] That's my method.

[788] Do you like being here?

[789] Was this fun for you?

[790] Yeah, I could talk to you forever.

[791] I'm sure I've way overstayed my stay.

[792] No, this has been really good.

[793] This has been great.

[794] Is there anything you wanted to say to me about my odor or my...

[795] I don't smell anything.

[796] No, I'm pretty neutral when it comes to odor.

[797] Oh, I feel like you were saying something about balls And I took it to another direction I just was saying that there is boxer briefs are the way to go Oh, sorry, yeah Really, there wasn't really anything that profounded about it.

[798] Yeah, why would I bring it back to that?

[799] You know, you say tidy whitties And then you just look like Homer Simpson in his underwear And no one wants to do that.

[800] You want a boxer brief, and I think Sacks is the way to go That's Sacks with two X's, a special chamber that holds the...

[801] They had me until the spelling They really are a sponsor And they keep sending us underwear So it's only for men Because it's got that pocket Yeah I mean they may make something for women But I know that they pride themselves On the special chamber A special devised chamber They call it a chamber not a pouch I called it chamber I like giving it almost like it's My testicles have retired to their chamber Like a judge Iron door Yeah.

[802] Panic.

[803] My testicles need to confer about this important landmark case so they've retired to their chamber.

[804] That's how I look at it.

[805] You're a lovely person.

[806] I keep saying the word lovely.

[807] I like it.

[808] I just loved having you here.

[809] It was really nice.

[810] Right.

[811] I'm going.

[812] I didn't want you to leave.

[813] Now goarly's here, cock blocking me. Well, speaking of that, I have it from Adam.

[814] It's called the ballpark pouch.

[815] For Sacks?

[816] Yeah.

[817] I have it from Adam Sacks.

[818] Adam Sacks is the producer And this is Yeah there's a diagram of it right there See that special chamber This is a diagram Oh we're looking down into the underwear Yeah it's a three -dimensional Almost like some webbing Yeah Yeah it's webbing that holds the testicles in place Wait a minute And then your penis is also in there Well the penis is sort of attached Yeah I don't know how you claim that you've seen A lot of these Yes it's all part of the same thing The penis is a shaft No, but usually don't you have to go one side or the other, but this is now in the in the ballpark pouch.

[819] Yeah, I think they could actually improve on this.

[820] I think there could be a pouch for the testicles, and then I think there could be a separate area that the shaft of the penis descends down into where it's wrapped in its own cocoon.

[821] No. Why?

[822] That's just too constricting.

[823] Have you ever wore socks with the separate toes?

[824] I can't do it.

[825] Right, yeah.

[826] I feel like it would be like that.

[827] Yeah.

[828] No. I've given this a lot of fun.

[829] You want a mitten.

[830] not a glove.

[831] Right, right.

[832] I still think chamber and then a separate shaft that it falls down into.

[833] I bet you love the container store.

[834] I'm always going to the container store and they always quickly realize what I'm asking for.

[835] Can I have two smaller chambers, if you will.

[836] And then a longer shaft -like plastic.

[837] Now, if the two could connect And then they're like, get the fuck out of here.

[838] You pervert.

[839] They always, I've been chased out of the container store more times than I care to admit.

[840] We are going to wrap this up.

[841] Thank you so much for doing this.

[842] My joy.

[843] And you'll come to a party at my house next time, right?

[844] You'd come to my house.

[845] Yeah, I've been to your house.

[846] I know you've been there, but you'll come again.

[847] Yeah.

[848] There are too many paintings of me in my house.

[849] I've always wanted to get, have the props department just, make giant paintings in me and put them everywhere in my house is a joke.

[850] Unfractured glass.

[851] Oh.

[852] It is the best way to...

[853] Yes.

[854] Best way to experience any photograph is on glass.

[855] Any idiot knows that.

[856] Fracture.

[857] God, I hope these sponsors are on this episode.

[858] They might not be.

[859] These are probably freebies.

[860] I mean, in Los Angeles, just with earthquakes and stuff, do you want to have a lot of glass on the wall?

[861] Guess what?

[862] That's a really good point.

[863] No one's ever brought that up before.

[864] That's something to bring up with Fracture.

[865] Sorry, fracture.

[866] No, you just brought up a great reason why fractures shouldn't work.

[867] Probably the sponsors are not on this podcast.

[868] If you're in California where there's a lot of earthquakes, have all of your photographs transferred to sharp glass and then hang them above your bed.

[869] Fracture, a good idea most places, not in Los Angeles.

[870] Where you can get killed by shards of your grandchildren.

[871] A shard of six.

[872] Seth just went right through my jugular.

[873] All right, Sarah Silverman, thank you very much.

[874] This was a mitzv, a good yontif.

[875] Staddle.

[876] Shit.

[877] It's time to go to the phone bank and listen to some voicemails.

[878] Let's go.

[879] All right, Will, hit it.

[880] Hey, Conan.

[881] Albert here from Milwaukee.

[882] Love a podcast.

[883] Recently, my wife and I went on a little vacation of Boston, and we found ourselves in Cambridge.

[884] And we went to Mr. Bartley's for a burger and milkshap.

[885] I know that you have a sandwich on the menu, the Conan O 'Brien, which is turkey with stuffing and cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes.

[886] Have you had the sandwich?

[887] And when someone creates a sandwich in your honor, do you get to pick what on it, or is it kind of a guess we think it's what he likes?

[888] Thanks a bunch.

[889] You keep up the great work.

[890] Hey, Albert from Milwaukee.

[891] This is an excellent question, and I'm glad that you asked it.

[892] First of all, I remember this place very well from when I was a student.

[893] I would go there and I would always get the same thing which was a hamburger with this sort of barbecue sauce on it and that was my favorite thing and this is back when I was 18 years old and being able to go into a restaurant and buy a hamburger seemed like a huge deal and I would go there with the older guys on the Lampoon who I thought were so cool and I would get my hamburger and I just thought man this is the life this is living life is never going to get better than this so I remember this restaurant very well absolutely not.

[894] No one consulted me about this sandwich.

[895] No one asked me about this sandwich.

[896] Now, it sounds like a delightful sandwich.

[897] It sounds great.

[898] And I think they were very kind to name a sandwich after me because Harvard hasn't done shit.

[899] You know, there's no statue of me. There's no, there's no Conan Hall.

[900] Do you know what I mean?

[901] That would be nice.

[902] I think you'd have to donate to make that happen.

[903] I shouldn't have to donate.

[904] I've donated my life's work.

[905] So, no, I believe there should be some kind of plaque Or something somewhere there for me But that's their call, that's Harvard's call.

[906] Haven't there, haven't presidents gone there?

[907] Yeah.

[908] I mean, do they have plaques and buildings named after them?

[909] I don't know.

[910] How many hours on YouTube has John Quincy Adam logged?

[911] Okay.

[912] Anybody want to answer that question?

[913] And I've been searching.

[914] I've been searching in John F. Kennedy, he's got some fine speeches.

[915] I've got thousands and thousands of hours of me and my hijinks.

[916] So no president comes close to what I've accomplished on the Internet.

[917] And that's why I think there should be some kind of...

[918] I'm just being honest.

[919] I'm telling you what I think.

[920] I think it would be appropriate if Harvard did that.

[921] And so I leave that now up to the establishment to decide and for the students to demand, quite frankly.

[922] That's up to them.

[923] But I do remember this restaurant and no, they never consulted me about the sandwich, but I'm glad they named a sandwich after me because at least it's something.

[924] I've got a sandwich named after me at this restaurant.

[925] Do you think the cranberry sauce is a nod to the color of your hair?

[926] No, I think people overthink it.

[927] This is what I think.

[928] Now, there are delis where they'll say, I remember, I think some deli in New York briefly had a sandwich named after me before they decided not to.

[929] That's so sad.

[930] It's worse to have a sandwich and then have it taken away.

[931] Trust me, there's no greater indignity than achieving a sandwich and then having the sandwich discontinued.

[932] Did they give it to another celebrity or they just completely wiped it clean?

[933] Yeah, I think it's called like the Fallon now, you know?

[934] But it was the stage deli.

[935] I don't even think the stage deli, the stage deli might not still be around, but the stage deli had a Conan O 'Brien and I remembered it was like, you know, half a pound of corny beef.

[936] Do you know what I mean?

[937] and then with some, and then I remember they, I think they tried really hard to come up with other puns and they made this sandwich.

[938] And I went and had the sandwich once and it was a good sandwich, but at least, you know, I'm not gonna.

[939] Then the sandwich was discontinued and then changed, I think, to the fowin or the Kimmel or whatever with a side of cordon.

[940] I don't know.

[941] I don't know what happened.

[942] But I think people overthink these things and they think, oh, turkey, because Conan's kind of a turkey.

[943] You know, they overdo it.

[944] No, they just made a nice sandwich.

[945] What would be your sandwich if you were to have one made?

[946] What would you have it be?

[947] I think it would be like a quarter pound of pure excellence.

[948] Oh, my God.

[949] Maridated in originality sauce for seven weeks.

[950] And then served up on some firm freckled buns.

[951] Oh, no. Wait a minute.

[952] You know what?

[953] Now, guess what?

[954] But now I hate me. Yeah.

[955] I just stepped outside myself and I hate myself.

[956] But no, is it Bartleys or Barclays?

[957] I think it's Barclays.

[958] I don't know.

[959] I think he said, I think it's Barclays.

[960] It's been a long time.

[961] And I haven't been back there.

[962] But I do want to thank them for naming a sandwich after me. And please, I'd like people in that area of Cambridge and just greater Boston to pressure Harvard.

[963] It doesn't have to be a big statue.

[964] It can be one eighth size.

[965] What if Harvard makes you a sandwich?

[966] I don't want the food there named after me. Let's just put it at that.

[967] But really good question, Albert, from Milwaukee.

[968] And I thank you.

[969] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[970] With Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[971] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[972] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[973] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[974] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[975] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[976] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[977] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[978] Got a question for Conan?

[979] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[980] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[981] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[982] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.