#233 - Jim Norton

[0] Podcast, check it out.

[1] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[2] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[3] My pal, stand -up comedian, extraordinaire, and mixed martial arts fanatic, Jimmy Norton.

[4] Thank you, Joe.

[5] Well, Jimmy, you were like, Joe, son, what's going on with that?

[6] I can't wait until that talk like this.

[7] I can't wait.

[8] I know.

[9] It's going to be crazy.

[10] To be there live while that's happening and to get to call it, I got chills just thinking about it.

[11] You have a great job, man. It's the best job of all time.

[12] Yeah, it's amazing.

[13] It's amazing that it exists.

[14] You know, I mean, when I first started doing, me and Data White, I've talked about this a bunch of times, we first started working for the UFC, and you would tell people that you're involved in it.

[15] It's almost like you're talking about porn.

[16] Right.

[17] Like, that's what cage fighting was like.

[18] And now it is this, like, incredibly mainstream thing.

[19] It's really interesting.

[20] It's an embarrassing thing for New York, too, that it's not legal there.

[21] And we all know other nonsense is going on, but it's embarrassing for New York.

[22] It makes New York look like this.

[23] this irrelevant old -thinking place.

[24] And the more boxing, and I watch boxing, it's a great sport.

[25] But I can't enjoy anything like I enjoy the UFC.

[26] It's really weird.

[27] Like, people get mad at me on ONA because I'm such a fucking whore for this.

[28] But it's like, I don't want to hear about baseball because a lot of baseball players I've met have been dicks.

[29] A lot of football players have been dicks.

[30] But all the UFC guys are great.

[31] Like, I haven't met any of them that were assholes.

[32] I've met most of the big ones, every one of them is nice to the fans and is nice to us when they come in well i've always said that people you know i think every man needs to learn at least something about martial arts and something about how to defend yourself to to get your that sort of chimpanzee bullshit out of your system that makes most men become dicks i think a lot of people are dicks simply because they're frustrated physically like their body feels like physically like confined by its inaction by confined by the stress of everyday life and you know having to pay bills and just shit is always built up inside of you like if you don't do something to blow that out physically and balance your body back I think you can you can have a hard time in this life and you can overreact to people you could maybe be already be at a five and this guy says something and you crank it up to eight and you're like you know You come off, yourself feeling like a dick.

[33] Like, why did I do that?

[34] What the fuck?

[35] But you realize what it is is you're already wound up.

[36] You don't even realize it.

[37] You're going through life wound up.

[38] Something like martial arts can get that out of your system.

[39] Colin told me I'm a fucking car gangster.

[40] Can I talk so much shit in the car?

[41] But it's like, you know, I'm very reasonable.

[42] And somebody is six, three, he's like, you know, you're a car gangster.

[43] Nolan is so fucking funny.

[44] He really is the fucking funniest guy alive.

[45] he is so funny he's such a treasure he's one of those guys that you have to like experience him live too to get the full effect of his comedy yeah you know I went when he did tough crowd I never got a chance to see him live that much because I was already living in L .A. and he was almost always in New York but when we did a tough crowd he would go up and do stand up to the audience like God I forgot how funny he is I was on with you yeah yeah yeah we did it together I don't know who else was on I don't remember he was so funny though my God.

[46] He just because, and here's the thing with Colin, that's amazing.

[47] It's like he never gets angry at the audience for not going with him.

[48] And I'm like, he just, he addresses it.

[49] All right, folks.

[50] And he just plow, but he doesn't, and Louis isn't in a weird way the same way.

[51] Like, they throw out what they throw out and they don't react emotionally.

[52] They allow the audience to have their own emotion.

[53] And that's a weakness in my performance is I try to fucking, I bring the emotion.

[54] And it's just like, eh, you did it all for us, stupid.

[55] Stop having no faith in the words.

[56] That's what I'm saying to myself.

[57] It's, it's sort of a, There's a fine line between, like, I would hear that Jay Leno would go and work out his monologue, and he would do it flat.

[58] Right.

[59] And he did it on purpose that way, like we would work it out at the Comedy and Magic Club.

[60] He would do those jokes on purpose flat because he didn't want to have to jazz him up.

[61] He didn't want to say, he wanted to find out if the concept on its own is good.

[62] Right.

[63] And from there, you can jazz it up.

[64] But that's a gross feeling when you're trying to jazz something up sort of artificially.

[65] Yeah, I prefer to work out material the same way.

[66] I mean, that's what a pompous -ass -ass -comic would say.

[67] but I really do it, the seller, with no energy, completely deadpan, and just see how the words work without, because you don't want to get a laugh going, whatever face you make, like a fucking wry look.

[68] You want it to be funny because it's funny, but it's hard to do that because it bombs a lot of the time.

[69] How do you write?

[70] Do you write your material like, do you like get an idea and say, all right, when we sit down and think of how I would put this idea to the audience?

[71] or do you write like blogs and pull your jokes out of it?

[72] No, I just go on.

[73] A lot of guys do it.

[74] I just go on because I'm at the cellar every night.

[75] So I went on with Travolta.

[76] Like I just shot this special and I was like, all right, I'm done with that fucking hour.

[77] So I want to start over because any more that, doing that material again is repulsive to me. I never want to say those words again.

[78] I fucking hate it.

[79] I'm sick of watching it.

[80] I've edited it.

[81] Yeah.

[82] So now I want to do something else.

[83] So thank God Travolta had all this malarkey happen.

[84] So I just went on and started talking about Travolta and, you know, trying to grab guys' cocks to the thing, and I had fun with it, and, you know, I kind of built it up.

[85] I was waiting to hear what your take on it would be as soon as I saw it in the news.

[86] I said, I would love to talk to Jimmy about how it feels about this, because on one hand, you've got to say, okay, there's got to be a lot of guys who just sucked his dick.

[87] Because if he was doing it that often, if he was pulling it out that often on these masseuses, I bet it's probably because there's a bunch of them who jumped on that grenade.

[88] Do you know how many?

[89] So whose fault is that, really?

[90] I don't fault him.

[91] It's like I just believe, I believe, I believe them, though, because the language, like, I believe the one who accused Al Gore, because the language they use is language I've used.

[92] Like, when they said that Al Gore, like, the woman said that he said, could you rub my receptors or whatever?

[93] I'm like, oh, that's a typical fucking purve move.

[94] You use literal and appropriate language so they can't accuse you of trying to get, you know, excuse me. Oh, wow.

[95] Would you mind rubbing my chakras?

[96] You know, and we both know what I'm saying.

[97] but she can't get mad at you.

[98] That's hilarious.

[99] Suck my peeper is what I used.

[100] When I was a kid, my dad always said, hey, that's your peeper.

[101] Every time I was like, what's this?

[102] And then it was like I was in fifth grade and people are like, what are you talking about?

[103] You should probably avoid saying suck my peeper.

[104] Because I think that would be easy to decipher.

[105] I don't think you'd have to call in the fucking guys who broke the Jap Code World War II to figure out what a peeper is.

[106] Well, Your Honor, we can't say for sure it was his penis.

[107] Yeah, suck my peeper.

[108] It was very ambiguous.

[109] It could mean anything.

[110] But I still use it now.

[111] You know, I use it with girls.

[112] Do you really?

[113] It's creepy for some reason.

[114] Whoa.

[115] Yeah, that's really great, too.

[116] You're playing with your nipples and you look down and just, just tell her to kiss your people.

[117] Yeah.

[118] That's even creepier and more childlike, kiss my peeper.

[119] I call those nittles.

[120] Yeah, kiss me peeper.

[121] My peepers are my nipples.

[122] I know, I never use words.

[123] I never ask.

[124] I'm like, I do this silent.

[125] And it's funny, I was going to do some of this on Leno tonight, but I just said, I had to bail on a little bit because I was on with Justin Bieber.

[126] It was all fucking 15 -year -old girls And I'm like, what?

[127] They've never gotten a happy -ending massage So I kind of bailed on a massage Travolta Mitchell, I didn't do any of it That's a good move because you probably saved the minds Of all those different 15 -year -old kids From the creepy ideas you have That are based on truth Yes But all of a sudden they're going to be driving by these massage powers going Which one of these jerk you off?

[128] Daddy, does that one jerk guys off?

[129] Or even worse, you're going to put on Pulp Fiction And go, wow, he grabbed the penis And then a couple of minutes later Grab the Scrotum.

[130] I wish I would have committed to the Travolta stuff I'm kind of mad at myself that I went away from it and I just went into something else.

[131] Did you see what Letterman did Bieber the other last week?

[132] I heard it was uncomfortable.

[133] Yeah, that was really uncomfortable.

[134] What was uncomfortable?

[135] What happened?

[136] We could probably show it, but he got a new tattoo and then Letterman was kind of acting weird and then tried to grab his tattoo and he had just got it done so it was like bloody and stuff and he wouldn't, he was, and Bieber was like, no stop, ow, out, stop, stop, stop.

[137] But he wouldn't stop for like that extra second.

[138] And then it was just like Bieber mispronounced something And then he's like, yeah, that's Canadian high school for you.

[139] But the whole attitude of the whole thing seemed very uncomfortable.

[140] Sistine Chapel.

[141] Did the crowd, was the crowd with him?

[142] Were they cool?

[143] I don't know, man. We could watch it if you want to.

[144] I'll find him.

[145] I'm curious.

[146] Well, what was the problem he had with him?

[147] Was it just he didn't want to be interviewing Justin Bieber?

[148] Is that what it was?

[149] I don't know, man. I think he was just trying to act like the old man, the old grumpy dad.

[150] And he started coming, like just had a weird, it was a weird vibe.

[151] Well, sometimes, man, you just can't, you don't jive with someone.

[152] You don't realize it.

[153] you're out there talking to them, but you're fighting for your life.

[154] You don't know how to get off a conversation.

[155] And, you know, as comics, I mean, we've all gone for something that was just ridiculous in hindsight.

[156] But in the moment, you know, you think, it would be funny if I grab his tattoo and just fucking hold on to the little fuck.

[157] Yeah, but then it just gets crickets and you're like, I got to let go and come back to my seat with no laugh.

[158] I mean, and think, like, who, like, what does he do?

[159] Does he try to get inside the mindset of a Justin Bieber?

[160] Who is further for Justin Bieber than David Letterman on the human spectrum?

[161] in the United States of America.

[162] I mean, pretty fucking goddamn far apart.

[163] But he probably doesn't even think of it.

[164] He probably just does what he wants to do without fear of it not working.

[165] That's probably why Letterman's good.

[166] He probably is not afraid that it's not going to work.

[167] Yeah, it just gives it a shot.

[168] I was worried, though.

[169] I mean, it's like 20 years of stand -up.

[170] Finally, I was able to adjust and make it a decent appearance, but it was like that could have been fucking death.

[171] Because Leno, as we went to break, he goes, hey, it did better than I thought you'd do, which made me kind of laugh.

[172] That was very funny.

[173] Yeah, that's, I've done those shows at the improv before where they have some sort of a high school tour and you look out there at the improv and a professional show you look out there's 14 and 15 year old kids you're like what's going on here?

[174] Yeah what am I going to do?

[175] Ari went up and went extra dirty it was ridiculous Ari went up and I was like did you go extra dirty for those kids and goes yeah kind of did it work?

[176] Oh yeah are you kidding me yeah I mean people were freaking out I mean you're literally talking about the first time kid has ever heard anything remotely like that you know when you're 13 and 14 especially when we did these shows it was a few years back you know i don't know how much how many kids were getting online but to see i mean and to watch comedy online but to see it like live in person like that and hear it yeah they had never experienced anything like a stand -up comic doing a dirty act in a nightclub in hollywood like they were blown away it was crazy well these were all girls They were 15 -year -old girls, 16 -year -old girls.

[177] There were girls in front of him, too, that creepy fuck.

[178] Screaming.

[179] It's fucking, it's uncomfortable.

[180] You're like, I'll never know what that's like.

[181] Yeah.

[182] Jay actually made them do it for me because, yeah, you all do promos.

[183] You all go stand there.

[184] So the three of us were standing there with Leno at the end, just doing the promo to the news channels.

[185] And he goes, just give a scream for Jim.

[186] So he made all the girls scream for me. And it was kind of, it felt nice.

[187] Was it nice?

[188] Yeah, man, just for once.

[189] I mean, I knew it wasn't sincere.

[190] That's beautiful.

[191] Fucking enjoyed it for the moment.

[192] It was nice.

[193] Here's the letterman Bieber thing.

[194] It's from TMZ .com.

[195] Explain this to me. Is that a new tattoo?

[196] This is a new tattoo.

[197] Oh, God.

[198] How many do you have?

[199] I have a couple, just a couple.

[200] Well, tell me that's the last one.

[201] It might be.

[202] No, no, it is.

[203] You don't, I mean, honestly, what, like, how does that help?

[204] How does that help how you look to have a tattoo?

[205] How does it not, I mean, it doesn't not help the way I look.

[206] It just expressed yesterday.

[207] My album came out.

[208] It was an important day for me. So, you know, I got believed.

[209] Get that off in there.

[210] Hey, hey, hey, this is a brand new.

[211] I thought that was awesome.

[212] That was hilarious.

[213] You know what you did just then?

[214] You went, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[215] Yeah, that's the Canadian.

[216] But now, your mom can't be pleased with the tattoos.

[217] Mom, you know, she's...

[218] Does mom have a tattoo?

[219] She does not.

[220] No, I don't think so.

[221] Does dad have a tattoo?

[222] Yeah.

[223] Oh.

[224] Do me a favor, don't go nuts, you know what I mean?

[225] No, I won't.

[226] Because more and more, you see like the mural and the, like the Sistine Chapel on a, you know, it's just, it's too much.

[227] I'm not going for the 16th Chapel.

[228] This is hilarious.

[229] Canadian High School.

[230] Can I tell you what's so great about watching that as a comic, when he said 16th Chapel, You could watch Letterman as a comedian go, oh, thank God, he just gave me that.

[231] You could watch him relish the moment, and you knew it was going to get a laugh, whatever he said.

[232] I thought that was great.

[233] Yeah, that was very funny.

[234] Yeah.

[235] I didn't think there was anything wrong with that at all.

[236] Oh, no, no. I mean, that's what people are saying that.

[237] They attacked Bieber, like that Bieber fans and shit like that.

[238] Well, Bieber fans are silly.

[239] He came off looking great.

[240] Yeah, he handled it well.

[241] Bieber didn't seem upset by it.

[242] No, he seemed like he went with the flow, like, really well.

[243] And I thought that was really funny.

[244] I don't know why anybody would have a problem with that.

[245] That was just Letterman being Letterman.

[246] He's the best.

[247] man what would you do in that situation would you if you were like on pat would you commit to the stuff like hey this is what i was going to talk about or would you like make an adjustment if you had i don't know i don't like doing those i got to tell you i don't you know it's it's it's a craft in itself constructing a five -minute set for for talk shows and there's it's it's a totally different like line of stand -up comedy it's like there's your stand -up comedy and then there's these weird portal stops that you do and one of them is the first of them is the five minutes set on a tonight show, you know, squeaky clean or at least, except for like some innuendo, but nothing too crazy, nothing political, nothing really ultra -controversial.

[248] Right.

[249] And no ability to expand upon anything.

[250] For five minutes, it's so quick.

[251] You're in, you're out.

[252] You just got to get a few points across real quick.

[253] And all your best bits are two and a half minutes long.

[254] So it's like, it's not like you're going to do two bits and then bail, so you're going to kind of chop stuff up a little bit or constern.

[255] struck a set for you know you know what I mean I do I couldn't even show a clip from the special they because they always want to show a clip and I'm like like do I do the thing about sharped and dying do I do the thing about the fucking mosque again none of that will work so I we showed a promo for the special which was a very funny promo but the stand -up itself I couldn't show because I knew none of it would play and it's all too fucking long right it's all more than 40 seconds yeah of course because you have points you have points of view you have ideas it's real hard to express any of that in five minutes.

[256] I found that every, like, short set that I ever did, I just felt like shit about.

[257] That makes me feel good to hear you say that, though, because it's like, you feel like as a comic, like, why can't I just go out there and fucking hit home runs when I do these things for five or six minutes?

[258] It's not a comedy club either.

[259] I mean, it's a, look, it is what it is.

[260] It's a great promotion of vehicle.

[261] Obviously, it's an honor to be on this tonight show, as always, and when you do a set, definitely people are going to see it, and it's going to help your career.

[262] No doubt about it.

[263] But it's not a really good representation of your stand -up.

[264] Right.

[265] A good representation of your stand -up is in a club.

[266] I mean, that's really what we do, you know?

[267] Even a theater.

[268] I mean, theater's great because you can get more people to come out and see you.

[269] And, you know, it still can be a lot of fun.

[270] But ideally, if a theater is a 9 .9, a comedy club's a 10.

[271] Yeah.

[272] You know what I mean?

[273] It's only a little bit less to do a thing.

[274] But a club, like a 200 -seater man, you know, when you're right there and you're fucking nail.

[275] And you're, like, so tuned into the crowd.

[276] And the crowd, they're having so much fun.

[277] It's like the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, laughs and the the full energy you get of killing in front of 200 people it's like very very very few things in life are that powerful it bounces back at you like you feel it when it's again it's a small room like the comedy seller in new york it's just it just pounds back at you the store yeah the original room in the store when you're killing on that stage it just comes right back all over you comedy works Denver I've only done that room once I did well there but I didn't draw that great there oh yeah I only drew okay how long ago was this I had four or five years ago.

[278] How dare you.

[279] I know.

[280] I would love to do it again.

[281] Go back.

[282] Yeah, I think things have changed.

[283] Yeah, I think the you know, the internet has helped all of us sort of get our voice out.

[284] I don't know, man. I feel like I can't get me fucking kind of internet buzzed at all.

[285] Everything I do gets 5 ,000 views.

[286] Well, that's all you have to do is do a podcast.

[287] Why don't you do what Anthony's doing?

[288] If you did your own podcast, I know it's hard because you're on ONA five hours a day.

[289] But if you did your own podcast once a week, you know, once a, just something, people love that it's free, you know?

[290] I mean, they can get your show on XM, but they have to pay, or they have to go illegal and go with Torrance and risk of FBI creeping up your ass off of the microscope.

[291] You know, but if you give them something for free.

[292] And his show's not just Jimmy -oriented, you know, it's like a gang of people.

[293] If you had your own podcast, that was all you.

[294] Well, I guess you do, you know, the music thing.

[295] Right, yeah, the bone yard, but that's not like this.

[296] It's a serious show, too, right?

[297] Yeah.

[298] Yeah.

[299] But I'm also, I don't know if I'm allowed to contractually, to be honest.

[300] Oh, really?

[301] Oh, you might not be allowed to do a podcast?

[302] Yeah, I mean, they allow me to perform on them, but I don't know if they'll allow me to actually do one and market it as a Jim Norton vehicle because of a different platform.

[303] I don't know.

[304] That's interesting.

[305] If they could play it, I don't see why they would have a problem with it.

[306] You know, like if they also played it, you know?

[307] Yeah, because that's what we do with them.

[308] You know, we have a podcast and we're on serious.

[309] We go on the O &A channel, but we just give it to them.

[310] We just give it to them for free.

[311] It's a smart thing to do because you're right.

[312] Nobody wants to pay for shit.

[313] Yeah.

[314] And we want to do an ONA podcast where we just put it up, give them an hour a week for free to get people who aren't into the show, into the show.

[315] I mean, I'm explaining marketing.

[316] Everybody understands why.

[317] I don't think.

[318] Probably could have just said that and not explained it.

[319] Right.

[320] But then some people think, well, that's all they would need is that hour a week.

[321] You know, they'll just take that hour a week and they'll add it to the five hours that Carolla puts out, you know, Bill Burr puts out, you know, a couple hours a week.

[322] now there's you know how many how many hours do you have to fucking you know people they it's it's a weird sort of a situation where it gets to there's a saturation point where especially ones like hours that are like three hours long sometimes how many how many of those can you have you know well you have a bigger name going into it anyway I think guys starting up and trying to do something like that's a lot harder I mean you have a tremendous 600 ,000 people on twitter 700 ,000 at this point I remember when you had like 80 so I remember when I was like I was like 12 when you were like 80 I'm like, all right, I'll catch Rogan.

[323] Boy, you fucking just quadruple.

[324] Well, Louie's got like 1 .3 million now.

[325] I liked at that.

[326] Louis and fire.

[327] Doesn't Tosh have something incredible?

[328] Isn't Tosh like seven million or something?

[329] I'm going to guess four million, something like that, or maybe five, but yeah, he's probably the biggest comic, well, Kevin Hart's over three, yeah, Kevin Hart and Tosh.

[330] Well, Kevin Hart is, I keep hearing about him, like, killing it.

[331] I keep hearing about him.

[332] I don't know where he's at, but I keep hearing, like, you know, how funny his shows are.

[333] I've never watched him I hear he's Collins at his show is funny on Comedy Central Like I haven't heard any comics shitting on him No He never heard anybody shitting on him And I keep hearing From the audiences That it's hilarious I gotta see him I gotta see him Daniel 6 million Jesus Christ Daniel People That's too many God damn it son That's too many Good for him man You don't need all that He deserves it Help your friends out He deserves it He's a fucking funny guy But I want a couple Yeah We gotta figure out We gotta figure out It's a problem Look, Sirius is fucking awesome.

[334] I love Sirius.

[335] I love the high -definition sound that the music is in.

[336] I mean, it sounds really good when it comes through satellite.

[337] It doesn't sound like a radio.

[338] It sounds, it's better.

[339] Yeah, it's much better than radio sound.

[340] And it's coming from the fucking sky.

[341] I totally support that.

[342] You know, I love the fact that I can just click on classic vinyl and then I hear, you know, on the road again by Bob Seeger, you know, like, oh, yeah, you know.

[343] it's like it's worth it to me it's totally worth it i love that you know you guys are on i listen to howard still i listened to um i listened to um i listened to ron and fez i mean it's it's totally worth it to me but the internet is the future yep and somehow another the internet is going to get into people's cars yeah and when that happens already is yeah when that happens it's going to be real hard it's like it's going to be real hard to sell internet radio right it's going to just have to be advertising based like podcasts are they're going to have to change their business model to make money a different way because you're not going to be able to get people to fucking pay for it what's they're going to stop you it's not just that they're going to stop using it like why would they use it when you have things like spotify and all these different ways of getting i tell you i have both right now satellite radio and and my iphone sets up where i have you know Spotify or pandora or anything like that it's just easier like i you know it's the radio it's it's you still have to do shit with all the things like you You have to type in the station that you want if you're using, you know, Pandora or you have to, like, do that.

[344] Like, there's more than just turn it on and hitting a button.

[345] And that's what's still going on.

[346] Like, I still use satellite radio more because I just turn it on and bam, you know, going to know.

[347] I see what you're saying.

[348] Yeah, I see what you're saying.

[349] So there's not as many steps to go to get to the end.

[350] Yeah, but that's going to change.

[351] There's less and less as you want.

[352] Less and less steps are happening as you go on.

[353] The other thing is that you have to be with satellite, you know, you have to be in a place where you could sit.

[354] the satellite.

[355] That's why it dies out when you go into bridges and shit.

[356] The internet's the same way.

[357] You go under fucking some places you don't have any internet at all.

[358] That's true.

[359] So there's going to be some places maybe, you know, well, I don't know, that doesn't make any sense.

[360] Well, they'll do the same thing regular radio do they?

[361] They just put receivers in the Lincoln Tunnel and now you can get fucking, you can listen to Q1043 in case you haven't heard brown -eyed girl enough times.

[362] You're going into fucking Jersey.

[363] Can you get a satellite radio under the tunnels?

[364] No, but they could put in receivers.

[365] They probably just don't feel it's worth it yet.

[366] I mean, you know, regular radio does, but they don't need to do they must hate the internet do they hate the internet no I don't think so I mean they they understand what a promotional tool it can be too but I mean they understand that's a threat I mean it certainly is once Wi -Fi's in cars everything's gonna be in trouble well the thing is when when Sirius first came out or when satellite radio in general first came out it was really like a dream come true like oh my god like I can get radio in my car that's uncensored like somehow another some bozo hasn't stepped in and made it so that if you say the wrong fucking noise with your mouth, you get locked up in a cage, and they get to forfeit, you forfeit all your assets, and it's just nutty shit when it comes to censorship.

[367] People don't understand, like, how damaging that is.

[368] And in all the time that satellite radio has been on, how much different are things, really?

[369] I mean, it's not like anybody got hurt.

[370] The same fucking people are listening to it.

[371] It's not like all of a sudden, you know, you guys being completely, totally honest with all the words that you'd ever wanted to use, it's not like that all of a sudden started people were running out in the street, and fucking cutting off heads and jumping off bridges.

[372] Nothing changed.

[373] Nothing changed.

[374] So, therefore, it's bullshit.

[375] Therefore, it's useless.

[376] It's not like it's contributing to the downfall of society.

[377] Well, the FCC just lost a big case, too, for Fox.

[378] They lost a huge fucking case in the Supreme Court about, I don't know if it was about just quick utterances, but they removed a lot of the fines, I think, that Fox just got thrown.

[379] So the FCC just took a...

[380] And we knew they would because they're fucking greedy, and they won't just lay off.

[381] It's so creepy.

[382] When they chased after Sterling...

[383] when you know all that shit was in the news it was so creepy it felt like you know it felt like good against evil that's really what it felt like you know someone out there trying to entertain people and he's getting attacked by the the manner in which he's entertaining is unsuitable for you know this particular type of you know transmission and because of that the federal government steps in it's so crazy that anybody would think that that's a good idea well it's allowed to get to be actual law and still reinforced in this day and age.

[384] Well, people like Tim Winter in the fucking PTC, the parents' television council, they write most of the complaints.

[385] They're the ones who do all the fucking complaints and the stupid FCC still actually takes them seriously and listens to them.

[386] It's enraging.

[387] It's like when the Italian -American society, whatever the fuck it is, was getting angry at the Supranos.

[388] You know, it's like, just stop.

[389] There's certain things where political correctness become such a fucking hamper to a real dialogue.

[390] to real conversations.

[391] Anyone who thinks that being PC is appropriate is a dope.

[392] Anyone who subscribes that thinking is a dumb motherfucker.

[393] You're saying that you don't think that people like Tony Soprano have ever existed.

[394] Do you pay attention to history?

[395] Where are you getting this from, stupid?

[396] You're going to protest the way they're being depicted they're being depicted the way they really are.

[397] There's plenty of people like that that are real people.

[398] It doesn't mean that that's all Italians.

[399] You're only protecting retards.

[400] You're only protecting the dopeiest.

[401] amongst us that would look at all Italians as if they were all gangsters now because of the Sopranos.

[402] And why is nobody ever objected to a positive profile?

[403] This is why they're thinking is flawed because they're saying that profiling is wrong and generalizing is wrong but they never mind when they're generalized positively.

[404] They never mind a positive profile or a pleasant sweeping generalization.

[405] That's why they're fucking phony.

[406] We just don't like a negative thing.

[407] So there's certain things they want you to be able to say about them and certain things they don't.

[408] Like, you can talk all day about black guys and their big dicks.

[409] Yeah, and I do.

[410] But you can't talk about them, like, want and fried chicken.

[411] Yeah, that's negative and terrible.

[412] Which is hilarious.

[413] Yeah.

[414] We talked about this yesterday.

[415] Chicken is goddamn delicious.

[416] It's fucking wonderful.

[417] What's wrong with being someone who's into chicken?

[418] I guess maybe they're just trying, you know what?

[419] Maybe black people are smart.

[420] They're just trying to refocus everybody back on the cock.

[421] So they want all other.

[422] They want all stereotypes.

[423] We don't want to hear about chicken, watermelon.

[424] Back to the dick.

[425] Yeah.

[426] That's probably a very calculated move.

[427] It's a clever.

[428] move it's check made from the get -go you can't talk about their strawberry soda bitch you racist yeah yeah fuck funnions we don't enjoy them well what else was left I heard you have a huge dick word yeah word yeah you know I was doing a tell show the where you sit down you watch the porn and Dave loves porn or is that way Dave's old porn Dave's old porn Dave loves porn yes which is true which is a little bit of that too he's a piece of shit Dave used to come into the comedy cell with a fucking duffel bag of porn tapes Because I guess he's OCD He didn't want to throw him out He's like here Like you had to pass along with somebody He couldn't bring himself To throw it out He felt back He needs to be roommates with Yoshi Then Oh that's so funny He'd be Yoshi He sent me so much porn And I've watched so much of it I threw out I was cleaning out my apartment a little bit And I'm not exaggerating Probably a thousand porn DVD I just couldn't keep him anymore Yeah Joshi's ridiculous man Yoshi had a dude with him once I forgot the guy's name But he got actually got upset That I didn't want any I go no thing Come on man Come on man these two man we produce these i go dude that's i'm fine but thank you very much i prefer not to i prefer not to take it but it was all like gaping stuff it was all like like pulling i don't go for the gaping i'm not into that i don't like to look into a vagina at all what i was gonna say about dave's show is that when john holmes was on i was like his dick isn't even that big for 21st century like today like dudes have giant dicks now like you ever see that like lexington steel guy.

[429] Jesus Christ.

[430] His dick's like twice the size of John Holmes.

[431] There's a lot of guys who have like...

[432] You think dicks are getting bigger?

[433] Yes.

[434] Do you think it's our cell phones?

[435] I don't know.

[436] Yeah.

[437] Keep in your pocket, boys.

[438] Yeah.

[439] It's black guys they started first with pagers.

[440] No, I think it's...

[441] It's vibrating it bigger.

[442] I think it's like everything else.

[443] Natural selection.

[444] Well, Lexington is great.

[445] His dick works too because Johnny was always fucking Holmes was always like doing like blow and his dick worked half the time.

[446] It was always kind of half hardy and squeezing it.

[447] Squeez it at the base, that old gag.

[448] Exactly.

[449] It's all like a rubber snake.

[450] Yeah, he's holding it tight at the fucking base.

[451] That trick that we've all pulled.

[452] But Lexington, both hands in the air.

[453] We were, uh, Ginger Lynn was on the show, and she was talking about, uh, all the different.

[454] I was like, how come this dude could never get it up?

[455] And she's like, cocaine, all these guys were on Coke that couldn't get it up.

[456] Because you watch it.

[457] And this poor fucking dude is like, he just can't get hard.

[458] I guess his name is Jerry Butler.

[459] Oh, yeah, sure.

[460] I know Jerry Butler.

[461] He, um, he's blondeish hair, yeah.

[462] I mean, if you hear this, Jerry, I totally apologize.

[463] I've never done Coke.

[464] I'll imagine it'd be very hard to fuck while you're on Coke.

[465] So if I was making funny on Dave's show, it's all just for comedy, fellow.

[466] He looked like one of the Dukes of Hazard.

[467] Like, he didn't like a porn guy.

[468] Yeah, he looked like a sweet, like handsome kid.

[469] And his dick was average.

[470] I never like guys with average dicks.

[471] Like that, like, you know, like beat it with that fucking thing.

[472] Beed it with that regular stuff.

[473] What are you got seven and a quarter?

[474] Oh, fuck yourself.

[475] You know, I mean, I like a fucking, I like a wrecking ball.

[476] I like that.

[477] But I've gotten into the, it's funny.

[478] I've gotten into the fucking black -out white porn and I never watched that but I like the amateur shit of guys just filming their wives getting fucked man I really judging them.

[479] Do you think they're really filming their wives getting fucked?

[480] You can always tell the difference I'd say half of them are real and half of them are actually porn companies but there are some that are absolutely real and you can tell because there's a fucking date in the corner you know 95 there's awful music playing you know what I mean there's always some there's something playing in the background which a porn company could never license so whenever there's music playing if you hear Journey playing in an interracial porn, they probably is a fucking home movie because the porn company would never license that movie.

[481] Have you been getting into any of the cam websites lately?

[482] Have you been doing any of those things?

[483] Never got into cam stuff.

[484] None of the new ones that are like free and you just nowadays it's nice.

[485] You might really, really like it.

[486] Oh, I'll try it.

[487] He's completely addicted.

[488] Maybe you should not steer a little Jimmy into this old endeavor.

[489] Maybe it'll ruin his life.

[490] It's my free cams .com.

[491] Check it out.

[492] It's just tons and tons and tons of girls.

[493] Just normal girls that have like jobs at Applebee's stuff like that just fucking sitting there like shoving dodoes in their ass and then like if you pay them a little extra then they'll go in a private room but my favorite thing is spying on privates you're you can pay a little extra and spy on what the private rooms looks oh isn't that ridiculous because that's like how is that private well you can't spy on the guy right no you can't spy all you do is see her yeah fucking playing with a twine I love the fact you gave her an awful job like Applebee's too well she should be shoving something into a twat with that fucking gig nine to five I wonder how many girls are doing that You can do screen captures, right?

[494] Last night, on a podcast I did with the Bonesome, we interviewed one of the girls.

[495] We Skyped her while she was in the room and talked to her.

[496] So that's the thing we're going to start doing now more at Death Squad is actually talking to these girls.

[497] There's something about that website, My Free Cam, is when you first showed me. It really kind of freaked me out because I really had this impression of the future.

[498] I really had this idea of what this is really going to be.

[499] because you click on this thing and it opens up, it looks like infinite windows.

[500] It's like, are these like little universes?

[501] Like, what is this?

[502] And each one of them, you click on, and it's a different girl connected to the internet doing these little shows.

[503] And there's fucking hundreds of them.

[504] And you're looking at this.

[505] I'm like, this is kind of nuts.

[506] What a weird interface this is.

[507] All these chicks are fanghing themselves and tits and dildos.

[508] And, you know, you can give them money and tune in.

[509] It's like, what the fuck is going on?

[510] Well, it's amazing.

[511] It's a great advancement, but what's going to happen is eventually privacy will be a thing.

[512] And I'm not even saying that's a bad thing.

[513] Because we're all going to be locked in on the same mentality.

[514] We're all going to be, and I'm not even saying it's going to be a terrible thing.

[515] We're all going to be on the same wavelength mentally, eventually.

[516] The Internet's a great start.

[517] But fast forward 100 years from now, you're going to be punished for bad thoughts as opposed to bad speech or bad actions.

[518] People are going to know when you think something.

[519] They're already working on that with Stephen Hawking.

[520] So we're all going to see each other sexually We're all going to know everything about each other And eventually it's going to lose its effect The dopamine drip won't work We're going to figure out a better way to get people feel You know that feeling you get when you're fucking cranking Or you're edging We're going to find out better ways to give people that So the sex will lose its appeal anyway We're in a great time right now if you're a pervert Because this will eventually go away It's going to get worse But how is that true when there's so much porn online Is that ever going to go away?

[521] How do you think that's going to go away?

[522] What does porn do for you?

[523] Porn makes us, it turns us on, it's all these opportunities, it releases something in the brain.

[524] Right.

[525] When eventually they figure out...

[526] Get that in a pill?

[527] Or even through an electrical impulse.

[528] Or a patch.

[529] You won't need that.

[530] You won't...

[531] Get a porn patch?

[532] Get a porn patch.

[533] Did you imagine you go and you get a patch and you don't want to come anymore?

[534] Well, nobody would take that option.

[535] But you might, though, because it would keep you from cheating on your wife.

[536] It would keep you from getting AIDS.

[537] It would keep you from knocking somebody up.

[538] The benefits for it, dude, if I could take one of those, the amount of hours, I sleep better when I'm not jerking off.

[539] Of course.

[540] Jerking off keeps me up.

[541] But there's a lot of people that feel like life connects them to them being erect or them being, you know, aroused or them being, you know, in having sex with someone.

[542] Right.

[543] They feel like they're not alive unless that's happening.

[544] So if you cut, if you took a pill that would like do that, would it stop your ability to do it naturally?

[545] You wouldn't be able to, would you just, you wouldn't want to have sex anymore?

[546] No. You just want the pill?

[547] You still want sex, but I think it would take away the drug part of it.

[548] Eventually, we're going to find a way to, it's almost like the same thing as with alcohol and drugs and overeating.

[549] All of that will eventually be fixed because whatever the brain is doing that makes you high or makes you feel great, they'll figure out a way to make everybody feel like that all the time.

[550] People won't even need to go out and look for that because we'll all be able to access that feeling whatever we want in what is a quote unquote acceptable way.

[551] Yeah, we're in a weird period right now when it comes to things that they give people when they have mental illnesses right or what they perceive to be mentally illnesses or depression because i have friends that have taken all sorts of different stuff and i'm like well how does the doctor know what to give you and he's like well they start you on one thing and we'll see how you react to that and you know if you go to the doctor and say well i can't get it up anymore and i'm really listless throughout the day and then they try something else and they keep switching medications until they find one that works for you right and i'm like what like how how crazy is that like they've got a a a bunch of different medications and they just try them out on you nice and slow like how much do they vary and how do you not are you sure you got it nailed with this one and what are we taking here what's going on i'm up in the air on that stuff i think it does work for some people for sure like i would i've thought of taking it but i'm afraid of my creativity being fucked with because i'm depressed all the time and it's like it's stupid i'd rather not be so if i could take a pill that kind of balanced out whatever is wrong my stupid brain do you think um it is a um like a pattern thing or do you think it's a chemical thing?

[552] Like when you feel like you're depressed, do you connect it to a certain pattern of thinking that becomes self -destructive and you're just real comfortable going down this pattern?

[553] Or do you connect it to a actual, do you feel like, man, there's something wrong with the chemicals my brain is making?

[554] Or are they even indecipherable?

[555] Are they the same thing?

[556] Do they create each other?

[557] I think it's a little bit of everything.

[558] Like, I think it could be a chemical, but the chemical combined with just shitty thinking.

[559] It's comfortable thinking.

[560] you get used to like whenever things are good for me i start to think like horribly depressing thoughts like i just i don't think i deserve it or whatever that nonsense is but i think it's a combination but i know chemical is a part of it because i feel it like i don't sleep well and i just feel fucking like thick and sludgy and fogged all the time and i fucking hate it i guarantee you that's the sleep apnea i think you're right we were talking about this and i i told you that uh your mouthpiece uh wasn't the one that i used i used this one by this guy named corropi Dr. Coropian from Tarzan.

[561] He's developed a mouthpiece that it has almost like a finger that keeps your tongue from falling back over your windhole.

[562] That's where what you're getting with sleep apnea is your fucking fat tongue like when you're lying on your back and literally covers your airhole.

[563] It's just a shitty design in the human face.

[564] And some of us have it and some people don't.

[565] Well, you have obstructive.

[566] I don't even know if I have obstructive or a combination of obstructive in Central, where central is when your brain doesn't send the signal.

[567] Like, I think that's what it's called.

[568] Like, because I've woken up at times and just gone, you haven't breathed.

[569] Like, I'm not breathing.

[570] You're not, like, not, I'm trying to breathe, but I have not attempted a breath.

[571] And I know I'll miss a couple of cycles, and I wake up panicking.

[572] And I think I might have part of that, too, because the mouthpiece I have I sleep a little better with.

[573] It does help, but I don't know if it's totally an obstructive apnea thing.

[574] I actually woke a guy up on the plane coming back from Brazil.

[575] uh yeah i remember just it being horrible joe i remember like being on a plane next to you and just being like what the fuck that's not normal but not thinking like it was that bad but no my i snored real bad real bad but what i'm saying is i saw a guy having sleep apna and i he was a he's a big guy and so i went to the flight attendant and i'm like this guy goes for like these stretches where he's not breathing right like it was a long stretch they were like 20 25 seconds with no breathing and you see him struggle and struggle and then all of a sudden and then he would close it up again.

[576] I was like, wow, that guy's going to die.

[577] Like, you can't keep doing that.

[578] Like, that's real bad sleep apnea.

[579] I didn't know what it looked like to watch someone like choke and gasp for air and then, like, his chest wasn't moving.

[580] Like, he was like little wiggles with his chest, but no breathing.

[581] And then all of a sudden like big, like swallowing and gasping.

[582] So this guy's getting no sleep.

[583] If he sleeps like this every night, he gets no fucking sleep.

[584] So I'm like, dude, you can get a heart attack from this, for real.

[585] You need to do something about this.

[586] Well, I'm a bad, it's hard for me to fall asleep.

[587] It's not even just hard for me to stay asleep.

[588] Like, I've had to get up and pee because I've had to go to the bathroom.

[589] And then somebody said that that's sometimes your mind wakes you up, thinking that, like, you're not going to breathe, so it wakes you up to piss because that will get you up.

[590] It's a really weird signal your body will send.

[591] Like, it'll make you feel like you have to piss.

[592] Because it's worried about your control.

[593] Yeah, which shows you, like, where priorities are.

[594] Like, I can't breathe on my own, but if I have to piss, I'll jump up and I'll take a breath.

[595] I didn't see, this guy, I didn't say I woke him up.

[596] I woke him up, he woke up, rather, when he saw the flight attendant and me, like, watching him.

[597] Maybe, like, since the weird, maybe he wasn't sleeping so good anyway, because he was snoring so loud.

[598] But he had no idea.

[599] He had no idea.

[600] When I was told that I had sleep apnea, you know, when I went to a, you know, I knew that I had snored, But when I went to an actual place, where they monitor, like, when you go to sleep, do that with you?

[601] Yeah, but I did a take home, and they said I definitely had not the worst happening, but the next one under it.

[602] Oh, my God.

[603] Just under the worst?

[604] I wouldn't have fallen asleep in a place like that.

[605] Were you able to fall asleep?

[606] It was real hard.

[607] It is, right?

[608] I did for a little.

[609] Well, you're covered with these fucking electrodes.

[610] Yeah, I couldn't do that.

[611] It was really hard, but I was so tired.

[612] I made sure that I got, I showed up there really tired.

[613] But, man, I...

[614] Did you smoke first?

[615] No. No, just, just, went.

[616] Oh, okay.

[617] I don't smoke before I go to sleep usually.

[618] No?

[619] No, I smoke before I write.

[620] I smoke before I do jujitsu.

[621] Oh, wow.

[622] So that I'm very surprised to hear.

[623] Yeah, no, that's the best way to do Jiu -Jitsu.

[624] Because you're more relaxed?

[625] More focused.

[626] You know, first of all, the type of pot that I smoke is, there's two types of, two different types of pot.

[627] One is called Indica, and one's called Sativa.

[628] And Indica is the stuff that people get that makes you, like, it's almost like a narcotic.

[629] It's like you collapse into the couch.

[630] It's just like more of like a sedative, more of like a, it makes you kind of feel like just at ease and chill and relaxed and it's great for like pain.

[631] It's great for sex.

[632] But setiva is the stuff that I like and that's, it's more speedy.

[633] It's more sort of, it feels like it accelerates your thinking.

[634] It makes you, makes you think about crazy shit like the best thing for me is Sativa and like a Carl Sagan documentary you know yeah you just go what the fuck and you listen to Carl Sagan explaining the universe billions and billions and it's just like it's you know it's the perfect pot for thinking he wrote communion which was done a communion contact Jody Foster he wrote yeah that was a great fucking movie that was to this day still holds up watch it the other day it's one of those things where you're like oh yeah that's probably how it would actually happen when she's going through and the fucking wormhole it all kind of feels right it doesn't feel cheesy or hokey at all it's look it's just the i mean we were talking about this uh yesterday i had the guy from ancient aliens on and uh we were talking about uh the the possibilities of uh UFOs like that like what they they had in contact that doesn't seem outside the realm of what we're capable of in 30 years or 50 years or 100 years i mean if you asked me could we come up with something like that if we lived uh a thousand years i'm doing fucking course we could do you ever interview bernie uh i think Wait, no, Ray Kurzweil.

[635] No, I never have.

[636] We had him on once, and he's kind of a dry guy, but he's a real genius, and he talks about how technology is advancing exponentially, like we're doubling our knowledge and doubling our knowledge and doubling our knowledge, and he thinks there's going to be a point of singularity where we just know everything as it happens, where we will catch up because of the way technology aids our brain, like once we can incorporate something like Google, you'll just think of something and know it.

[637] You won't need to Google it.

[638] Kurzweil is a genius, and I think his time frame is off because he thinks that in 40 years we're going to have singularity.

[639] And I think he thinks that because he wants to stay alive.

[640] But he talks about immortality and uploading once we understand how the electrical impulses can be uploaded to a hard drive.

[641] He's a fascinating guy.

[642] Yeah, I've read a bunch of his stuff.

[643] Oh, you have?

[644] Okay, I'm explaining to him.

[645] No, I love that document.

[646] It's good for people to hear that documentary, the transcendent man. Yeah.

[647] That's a fucking amazing documentary.

[648] Really interesting.

[649] It was really interesting to see the different points of view, the people who are really optimistic about intelligence that is artificially.

[650] created and people who are terrified of it some of those guys that were like you don't understand like if this happens like the one guy that was calling it an artilect who was the English guy who's talking about artilex I don't know if I saw the special I've just I've just read some of this stuff okay well they had a bunch of different people that are experts on this idea of artificial intelligence becoming sentient and one of them is like fucking we're going to get wiped out one of them is like this guy's like all Terminator doom and gloom like we don't even know what's going to happen and with the real worry is that if they fuck around and like program emotions and jealousy and rage into a computer thinking that they have to do this in order to really truly replicate a human being, instead of replicating someone completely creepy with no emotions.

[651] I mean, if they're going to make an artificial person, wouldn't they make an artificial person that has human characteristics so it would blend in?

[652] So then what if that fucking thing is this artificial computer can actually make a better artificial computer than a human can make?

[653] And then it just exponentially increases in like over a period of like zero time.

[654] They've created way better human beings than we could have ever created, and that's the singularity.

[655] And then the shit really hits the fan.

[656] Well, it wouldn't surprise me if it happens eventually, because I mean, again, it's all chemical reactions.

[657] Anger, rage, jealousy, and it's all, you can probably break it down to ones and zero.

[658] So once they figure that out in the computer and they can map our DNA, that stuff will definitely be a part of it.

[659] Well, it's going to be a weird thing they're going to have to discuss.

[660] Like, should we create like these crazy fake people that never get angry?

[661] Maybe that's the future.

[662] They've already did artificial intelligence.

[663] Like Siri, it's like meeting Siri is like a girl you met at a coffee shop briefly.

[664] And then in like 10 or 15 years, we're going to actually see her in a different form, you know, a little older.

[665] And then one day we're going to be fucking Siri.

[666] If you think about it, she's the start of artificial intelligence.

[667] I hate Siri.

[668] I fucking hate it.

[669] It's the worst.

[670] I try to talk with it and it just go, dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk, dunk, don't.

[671] It just fucking mocks me. I can never get Siri to work.

[672] Yeah, I'm not a fan of it.

[673] I, you know.

[674] I forgot about it and I started using it again.

[675] And it was like, oh, yeah, this is.

[676] totally helpful.

[677] I like the call feature.

[678] I can say call Norton.

[679] Calling Norton.

[680] Reading text messages when you're driving.

[681] That's awesome.

[682] Yeah, I don't do that.

[683] I made Sam listen to me fucking dirty talk somebody through Siri because I was afraid to do it so I was driving and dirty talking a chick and it actually came out pretty good but it was weird to have a guy you hear that.

[684] You know, you have to correct it because it's saying clit wrong or whatever.

[685] That's hilarious.

[686] Driving and dirty talking in a text through Siri.

[687] It seems like that's an activity of the future.

[688] It's a hard drug to break man the fucking the dirty talk dude texting the fucking that hole keep it going have a bunch of those little windows open and just go to it and go to it and go to it it's so hard to break that it's really difficult you just enjoy the banter fuck i love it yeah i love it more than actually fucking really yeah what is it about just the the excitement of knowing someone's into you and they respond to you and it just gets kind of freaky and then you're like how far is this gonna go and holy shit which she went with it and yeah i can't believe she's gonna do that i'm my ass what oh my god and her saying that to me what exactly my ass good okay yeah no her saying you yeah yeah straight me right out was my dick you know like whoa i like the idea of it but i like the high of it um if fucking is the end of it it's like going to sleep after you've been drinking like you want to just keep the rush going keep the high going and uh once you fucking come it's over once you blow your load i've actually had escorts where i haven't blown a load because they weren't the perfect one and i waited until later that night just to do it to get little on It's complete addiction, man Have you had hemorrhoids before, Jimmy?

[689] No, I got a little bit of a royd, not too bad Which is a shame because my ex wanted to fuck me The strap on, and I would have led her, but I would just hurt too bad Oh, whoa, really?

[690] Oh, without a doubt.

[691] So you still have a pretty butthole then, like you don't have any war damage?

[692] No, it's nice.

[693] It's actually not bad.

[694] I've really had almost nothing in my ass.

[695] A lot of tongues, because it's very hairless, very rarely has any odor.

[696] My ass is phenomenal when it comes to that shit.

[697] With odor?

[698] Very rarely has any odor.

[699] it gold bond?

[700] I don't sweat.

[701] How many times have you had a girl use a strap on on you?

[702] None.

[703] I've had a couple try.

[704] My ex -girlfriend tried.

[705] She was a trooper.

[706] But I would always go like, ah, and I got maybe the helmet.

[707] I could never get more than that.

[708] I felt like I had to show.

[709] No, when the girl's doing that, is she doing it because it turns her on, or is she doing that because, like, it's fun?

[710] I mean, what is she doing?

[711] What is she doing?

[712] Is she just, I mean, she's sticking something inside you that she can't even feel.

[713] But she's feeling the power of it.

[714] Is that what it is?

[715] Sure, it's like spanking somebody.

[716] Like, when you spank somebody, it turns you on, but doesn't turn you on because there's a sensation on your hand it's the fucking sound it's the ass it's the representation of when you spank a girl it's all that stuff the domination of it that's how I think your chick feels when she's fucking you with a strap on and I never actually I wish I could do it because I'm a fucking dirtbag I would love it but I just can't get through it I haven't tried it a long time it's the female version of the spank then I think so yeah I mean I like a woman who can dominate me but properly not with fucking cornball you know get on your knee you slave Oh, no. Are there hack dominatrixes?

[717] Dude, most of them are hacks.

[718] But a girl who knows not to wear a deodorant and just put her fucking armpit over my face, that's a chick that can fucking own me. Wow.

[719] That's a chick.

[720] Do you date, like, a lot of foreign women, like Indian or...

[721] No, I don't like Indian pussy.

[722] I've had Indian pussy one time, but I don't like it.

[723] That's how you said it.

[724] I got a little Indian food.

[725] I don't like Canadian pussy either.

[726] No, I don't.

[727] It's the fucking...

[728] Canada is an okay country, but I've every...

[729] Canadian pussy I've ever gotten a hold of fucking reeked.

[730] I've never had a Canadian pussy that I didn't have to fucking back off of it.

[731] I wonder, is it like maple syrup or what is the actual?

[732] It's just an odd, sour, fucking I don't know what it is.

[733] It's the fucking 12 hour drive or it's the fucking the water or there's something chemically different about them.

[734] I just don't enjoy it.

[735] It has to be something in their climate or something.

[736] Maybe some of the hottest girls on the planet are from Canada.

[737] They are lovely, but you know I got cocktees not too long ago by some Canadian stripper.

[738] So do you like you hold a grudge for all Canadians because this one girl?

[739] So now you're all anti -Canadian pussy?

[740] No, it's been a few girls.

[741] Believe me, I tried the theory.

[742] I never just go with one bad one because it could have been period.

[743] I don't like armpits of the girls are period.

[744] Period.

[745] Pits are fucking...

[746] Wait a minute.

[747] You are an expert in how girls' armpits smell differently during their period.

[748] With girlfriends, at least I can tell.

[749] Once you know somebody chemically, man, you can tell by their scent.

[750] We did a contest in Cleveland and I got most of them right.

[751] But you can tell if it's an onion -y fucking smell, she's probably in a rag and her body is just expelling everything angrily.

[752] That shit was amazing.

[753] Isn't that just depending on your diet, though?

[754] Part of it does, yeah.

[755] But if you have a consistency and the fucking, there's something about that fucking smell, it dries, but again, it can't be that fucking oniony pit odor, but if you have a good chemistry with somebody, there's something about that that makes me crazy, man. And do you like B .O?

[756] Or do you like that?

[757] Yeah, B .O. Out of Cheap.

[758] B .O. But I like the mouth to be clean.

[759] I want her mouth to taste clean.

[760] I don't want her fucking ears to smell waxy.

[761] I don't want her belly button to stink.

[762] The feet can smell a little bit Honest to God, I like that A little bit, man A little bit of a fucking A little sweaty And the ass can smell a little bit And the pussy a little bit As long as it's not You have a fucking checklist I swear to God The ass And you got a De Niro face on When you go into this checklist Yeah Okay Okay The ass has a certain level It can go to A little bit of a fucking A little bit A little bit Just a little bit just a little bit.

[763] The ass says what is the particular smile that's acceptable?

[764] Is there a level?

[765] It's like they say about pornography.

[766] I don't know it.

[767] I can't describe it.

[768] I know what I see it.

[769] That's the way it is with an asshole.

[770] It's like I, it has a slight asshole smell to it.

[771] Like a musk.

[772] A musk.

[773] It's fucking nice, dude.

[774] It's nice.

[775] What is that law about obscenity?

[776] How do you define obscenity?

[777] That's the, that's the question in a lot of trials, right?

[778] Well, community standards.

[779] And this is why it's, it's in trouble.

[780] And by the way, I would love to know where all like the fucking libertarian political organizations were Max Hardcore went to jail for four years because they nailed him when he mailed stuff to fucking Tampa because Florida stinks for this type of stuff and they trapped him and got him on some obscene community standards thing but where was everybody sticking up from Max Hardcore?

[781] This guy did four years for adult pornography.

[782] It's fucking adults.

[783] There was no children involved.

[784] It seems really strange that you could have something that is not illegal that is obviously it's marketable.

[785] I mean whether or not it's healthy to watch that kind of shit.

[786] It's obviously that people are watching it and there is always that argument that certain types of depravity keeps people from committing things in the real life that they can get through it in some sort of a fantasy form and it keeps them from being a creep or a violent person in their real life and if someone signs a fucking waiver man what where do you cross the line where do you decide that this is something that this guy needs to get locked in a cage for because you don't agree well the whole country is full of shit when it comes to free speech and free thought Because all of us, and I mean both, I should say all ideologies, liberal and conservative, have an asterisk.

[787] Like, you're free to say this and do this as long as.

[788] And for the liberals, it's what they call hate speech and anything that's racial or homophobia.

[789] And for the conservatives, it's, hey, don't fuck with God and country.

[790] But both sides are equally phony when it comes to, like, when's the last time, like, you know, a feminist stuck up for a guy who said something about women that was unpleasant because he has the right to say it?

[791] Never.

[792] Like, where were all these people?

[793] people when Tracy Morgan said what he said, why did nobody who didn't like him stick up for him?

[794] Oh, country's full of shit.

[795] Yeah, I think it's just like they don't have that much resources, so it's not like they can jump into the fray for any little situation.

[796] They don't have that much time.

[797] When you're running some sort of an organization that's looking for violence against women or anything, but you don't have you have to look and concentrate only on that.

[798] I don't fault them for going after, you know, or not going after cases where guys like Tracy Morgan got busted or, you know, they only have a certain amount of things they want to concentrate on.

[799] Well, no, I mean, I fault him for going after him because when people went after him, why didn't they just stick up for him and go, we don't like what he said, but he's got the right to say it and there should be no penalty for it.

[800] That's what I mean.

[801] And none of these groups, which would take them two seconds to put out that fucking memo, but Glad has never done it.

[802] None of them have done it.

[803] No, they don't devote any resources to helping anybody else out.

[804] They develop resources to pushing their ideology.

[805] And their ideology is that this guy needs to be punished.

[806] because if he's punished and it costs him a lot of money then people are going to stop thinking like that they're going to stop expressing themselves like that which i can see their point up to a certain point where you got to realize like if is it okay where does this where does this uh where does this line happen is it okay for denza washington to play a murderer and a gangster in a movie it is right okay why is it not okay for tracy morgan to portray a guy who's pretending that he would stab his son if he was gay Right.

[807] Because he's not telling the truth.

[808] He's obviously doing a character that is, like, completely over the top and says ridiculous shit all the time.

[809] That is, that's his stick.

[810] Oh, by the way, I was incorrect.

[811] I apologize.

[812] You just straighten me out.

[813] When I said the women's groups, I should have said the gay groups.

[814] I was thinking that was Tracy said something that was anti -woman.

[815] I forgot that it was that.

[816] I just remember the conflict.

[817] I'm saying why doesn't the group who's offended?

[818] So you're saying that gay dudes are women?

[819] Well, the great ones are.

[820] I mean, let's be honest.

[821] Who hasn't seen a transsexual and fall in love?

[822] Come on, it's an open society, folks.

[823] Yeah, I think Tracy got a, people have to understand that there's people that want to see him do that.

[824] You might not like it, but it's like Dice.

[825] I love Dice.

[826] I've always loved Dice.

[827] I want to see him go fucking bananas.

[828] It's a form of entertainment.

[829] And if he does it about Italians, which I am, I will laugh.

[830] I will laugh along with it because I know, you know, if he's making fun of us, it's mostly true shit.

[831] Right.

[832] You know, but for whatever reason, some people want to pretend that, you know, some of his.

[833] ridiculous over the top stereotypes aren't funny it's like it's a hilarious character this character who fucking hates everything yeah i love it it's great entertainment i know it's swallow my load you chew it who takes that seriously exactly why would you be angry this guy why i mean it's this is just uh this is entertainment it's comedy and it's a it's a valid form of comedy and this is where it gets weird it's like when you when a guy's creating art and believe it or not tracy morgan is creating fucking art when he gets on stage and he does stand up you he's not trying to fucking piss people off he's just going with this is a one of the this is one of the styles of comedy you say completely outrageous shit we all know guys who would sit like brian holzman is one of my perfect examples you know i love brian sure i'm sure yeah he did a joke about susan smith after after uh susan smith got caught drowning your kids he goes on stage like two days later and he goes the Susan Smith case is she drawn to kids yeah I heard those were bad kids I heard they sat that close to the TV they always spilled their fucking milk they don't put away their blocks those kids will not be missed and we were laughing and gasping the whole audience it was a combination of laughs and gasps and that's a valid piece of art sure that's a valid piece of art he doesn't really mean that he doesn't if he had to choose he would say yes please go back in time and stop her before she kills her children.

[834] He's a character.

[835] He's playing a crazy, accentuated character.

[836] He gets into a zone, and he does this thing on stage, and he says, like, really offensive shit, and it's fucking funny, and I enjoy it.

[837] It's art. Or even when you're just being yourself and exploring a ridiculous concept, but people never stick up for that, and the same people that would defend Maple Thorpe or any other form of art, Piss Christ in a jar, are the same, there's the same mentality that will attack Tracy or that will attack Amis for what he said or Michael Richards.

[838] It's a fraudulent stance and every side does it and drives me fucking crazy.

[839] I think there's, yeah, because people have this idea, a lot of people, I should say, have this idea that if you don't agree with them, you're wrong and you're, you're, if you're, you're against them, you don't, it's not like you can enjoy different things or have different ideas about different standards of living and what you shouldn't, shouldn't be able to do.

[840] it's not that it's if you don't agree you're wrong and people have to understand that different people like different shit right and you can't force someone to not like porn you can't force someone to say you're not gay you know you cannot be gay we're not all you can't do that it doesn't work like you have to let people do whatever the fuck they want to do and then you just got to kind of accept that that's them and I wish a lot of these phony artists like and I say phony like meaning singers I think that they're hip by attacking Christianity like I have no problem attack Christianity fuck it sure it's right there But it's like none of them address Islam.

[841] None of them will address the fact that they're afraid to attack it.

[842] And that's what drives me crazy because it's this fucking fake edge.

[843] It's this fucking fake I'm being dangerous.

[844] But it's really, they're looking both ways before they cross the street and they're acting like they just bolted out the front door.

[845] And it fucking drives me, it drives me nuts.

[846] Yeah, it's, there's a certain amount of posturing that people get into when they start talking about certain political issues and certain things.

[847] certain ideologies and it gets to like that gross place where people just start clapping and you can tell they're disingenuous and they're just they're milking off this thing for their own ego they're milking off this reality for their own ego instead of just sort of trying to you know trying to look at the big picture because the big you mean what you're absolutely right why doesn't anybody want to make fun of Islam I'll tell you why because they'll fucking kill you yeah like they took shit to an entirely different place and so anybody who wants to pretend to be It doesn't involve going that far.

[848] I mock them, but I mean, I'm careful where I put the joke.

[849] I'm not an idiot.

[850] You know, that crazy, though?

[851] You right now just admitted to self -censorship for the same things.

[852] You just find it more reasonable because you say that your take on it is, well, you know, I'll take it back a little bit, you know, as far as I know.

[853] But you are clearly saying that you wouldn't say what you normally would want to say because they're dangerous.

[854] Sure.

[855] But I will say that that's why I'm not saying it.

[856] Isn't that amazing, you know what I'm?

[857] It's a terrifying thing in 2012 that we still have a faction of our world.

[858] that you have to literally can't draw their guy.

[859] But I also won't say other things on stage for feel.

[860] Like, you know what I mean?

[861] It's like, you know, nigger's a rough word to pull all.

[862] You better have a reason before you say that on stage.

[863] You can't just go out.

[864] And I would never say it in anger at somebody.

[865] Right.

[866] But it's like everything has lines and stuff and reasons I don't say it.

[867] And I do self -censor.

[868] And I think we all do as comics.

[869] You have to.

[870] We're not crazy.

[871] I'm sure.

[872] But I never want people penalize when they don't.

[873] That's the difference.

[874] Yeah, well, it's really crazy when you get to something like these guys that were American, Muslim converts that were publicly online calling for the death of Matt Stone and Trey Parker for doing the...

[875] You want to see my drawing of Muhammad?

[876] No. Yeah.

[877] That's my husband right there.

[878] That's a monster.

[879] You're probably not even allowed to do that.

[880] Yeah, if I said that, that's probably...

[881] Yeah, that's probably like some sort of a thing that can cut your face off for.

[882] Oh, Lee.

[883] Well, Bloomberg was so on the money, too, because when they found that car bomb, in Times Square.

[884] Mike Bloomberg right on it.

[885] He comes out and goes, well, let's not jump to conclusions.

[886] How do you know it's not somebody against health care reform?

[887] Because we live in America in 2011, dummy, and we know it's somebody from Islam.

[888] We know.

[889] And we were right.

[890] It's a weird thing that that's going on right now.

[891] It's a weird thing when you watch like any of the videos of like the real extremists in different parts of the world and see women wearing burkas and you realize this is all going on in the age of the internet.

[892] You know, the whole world.

[893] that's like, this is not, it's not worked out yet.

[894] This is, this is clearly not worked out yet.

[895] Well, it's changing, I mean, and we think it's changing.

[896] And then you look, well, Facebook, for Christ's sake.

[897] I mean, look at the Egypt.

[898] They overthrew the government.

[899] And what do they do?

[900] They elect the Muslim Brotherhood, who wants Sharia law.

[901] It's like it kind of feels like a circle.

[902] Yeah, that seems crazy.

[903] It's like, all right, guys, really?

[904] Is that what you're going to do?

[905] I just, I got to stand against you when you want to kill people for drawing teddy bears.

[906] Sure.

[907] Because that's what the Muhammad thing was, right?

[908] He was in a teddy bear suit.

[909] Yeah.

[910] Yeah.

[911] Like, come on, man. Really?

[912] You can't even draw a teddy bear.

[913] Irony is lost on my thing.

[914] What kind of fucking religion is you guys aren't, you don't have enough love going on.

[915] The only way you would have this idea in your head that you should die if you draw a fucking teddy bear is if you need a hug, man. Yeah.

[916] I didn't draw Mazz with Jirbanic just for the record.

[917] I did not draw that picture.

[918] It was a photo.

[919] It's a photo.

[920] It's not a depiction.

[921] Nobody thinks that was Muhammad.

[922] It's Mazz.

[923] Yeah, even the Islam's wouldn't kill you.

[924] You're too stupid.

[925] Yeah.

[926] They'd probably just fucking, you know, Go see Mazza's show.

[927] Islamist terrorists.

[928] Yeah, they're like, let's go see Maas.

[929] How's great it be if we got Maas killed?

[930] Wouldn't that just be kind of fun?

[931] Oh, no. Oh, I'm kidding.

[932] Come on.

[933] Jesus.

[934] How dare you?

[935] We'll be performing with him tonight.

[936] Oh, are you really?

[937] Yeah, we're doing a show with him at the Ice House.

[938] How am I said hi?

[939] Oh, no. I've known Maas Tripani forever.

[940] He's a good guy.

[941] I like him a lot.

[942] He's an awesome guy.

[943] He's, like, enormous in the Persian community, right?

[944] Isn't he like, he's a superstar?

[945] I think he performs in, like, Dubai and all these, like, places that I probably couldn't survive.

[946] Meaning, just because not to survive physically, but just the language would be too strong.

[947] He can go overseas and do these gigs.

[948] And, yeah, he's huge in that community.

[949] Yeah, you could get in trouble.

[950] Was it Hal Sparks that was saying that he almost got arrested in Dubai?

[951] Was it House Parks?

[952] Yeah, he had that whole story where...

[953] Yeah, that was how, right?

[954] I was, for some reason, I confused that story with him and someone else.

[955] I don't know why.

[956] But yeah, he...

[957] Probably Berger.

[958] No, I...

[959] Who do I always confuse it with?

[960] Hmm, I don't remember it now.

[961] But anyway, point is, it's like, it's real tricky, because you can...

[962] it locked in jail if you say the wrong thing in the wrong country is scary that's why I don't go overseas I mean people say what do you want to perform in Dubai I'm like I couldn't because they're pretty they're pretty liberal in comparison but they don't you know I mean come on man it's a fucking that's not exactly like performing in Montreal well Hal Sparks it was him or Eddie If it's just going to say it's either Eddie F or what's his favorite shit I bet if we were on Twitter right now we would know but I don't know how to work it's I want to say it's Eddie no I want to think it's say it's how Sparks You think so?

[963] I think Eddie of had another story that was similar, but I don't think it was the one that we're thinking of, where he was, like, he had a show and he did something in Dubai and something.

[964] Oh, right.

[965] No, I think, I think you're right.

[966] I think it was Hal Sparks, but all he said was Mishu.

[967] What's I mean?

[968] You know, like the French name for Mr. Monsieur, yeah.

[969] That's what he said.

[970] Like, he called the guy, Mishu, whatever the hell his name is.

[971] But the guy's real name was like he's like a sheik.

[972] So it's like, he's like, you know, I don't know what you'd say, but there's some sort of very ominous distinction that you have to give them.

[973] You know what I mean?

[974] Not much ominous, whatever it is.

[975] You know, his royal highness.

[976] You have to say something like that.

[977] You can't say monsieur.

[978] So when he said that, they wanted to arrest him.

[979] Fuck that.

[980] That's it.

[981] And that's all, I mean, that's...

[982] I know, porn stars are always offered to go to Dubai for, like, tons of money just for a week.

[983] Just go to Dubai for a week and be like a prince's slave or something like that.

[984] Wow.

[985] Like your salaries, you know, in one fucking week.

[986] Now, did the sheik want him arrested?

[987] Yeah.

[988] Oh, no, no, no. The she didn't want him arrested at all.

[989] And that's why he got away with it because the royal family was taking photos with him after the show.

[990] And the police, when the police show up, it's like a religious police.

[991] Right.

[992] And when the police showed up, they released them because they said that it was one guy's idea to arrest him.

[993] And that guy was wrong because if the royal family had seen the show and he had said something sacrilegious, they would not be wanting to take pictures with him.

[994] Right.

[995] So based on the fact that Hal didn't listen to them, because they were saying, like, you wait here for the royal police or whatever the fuck of the police was called.

[996] And Hal just went outside the door and started taking photos with everybody, including the royal family.

[997] And that's what saved him, that the royal family thought it was funny.

[998] Because otherwise, he was going to be going to jail on one person's recommendation.

[999] That's how I remember the story, right?

[1000] Was that how it was?

[1001] Something like that.

[1002] Something like that.

[1003] Enough to me to say There's no way I could do a fucking show there That's why I don't go Because it scares people You don't know all the rules Like I know in America I'm not gonna get arrested on stage I know that I mean again as long as you're not calling For the place to be fucking bombed Or a murder to take place Just doing my stupid act I'm never gonna go to jail Not here Not here In Canada you get in trouble though They have that fucking human rights commission That goes after people For the guy who had the comic Who made fun of the lesbians In the audience who are talking Yeah And this stupid human rights commission takes sides of the fucking hecklers It's so crazy Well, you know, what they're saying is that what he was doing was like hate speech and that should be forbidden and you shouldn't be able to do that from the stage.

[1004] But, you know, you don't understand if you're, first of all, we're talking about stand -up comedy, which is an art form and we've already established that that's a fucking viable form of that art form, the ultra -offensive, Don Rickle style, it's always existed.

[1005] It's fucking hilarious.

[1006] When you watch a guy get dressed down in front of all these people because he says something, it's a part of the show.

[1007] So when you start talking in a comedy show, you fucking give up all rights to be offended.

[1008] Right.

[1009] Okay, because you're now a part of the show.

[1010] And we've got to do whatever the fuck we have to do to salvage this show for everyone else in the room.

[1011] There's 300 other people.

[1012] But because one asshole wants to get drunk and yell out.

[1013] And then you go after him or her, whatever it is.

[1014] And then you're in trouble because of something harsh that you said to them.

[1015] They became a part of the show.

[1016] When you're a part of the show, I am ad -libbing.

[1017] I can't guarantee it's going to work.

[1018] I can't guarantee I'm not going to go over the top.

[1019] I can't guarantee I'm not going to say something that really was kind of fucked up.

[1020] But I can guarantee the only reason I'm talking to you because you fucked up.

[1021] You don't have any rights.

[1022] The selfishness that inspired them to talk is the same selfishness that makes them feel they should be vindicated.

[1023] Yes.

[1024] And makes them feel self -righteously angry.

[1025] It's almost like once you know somebody's a selfish twat, which they are when they heckle, you know that going into it they're going to usually get upset because they're selfish people they're self -centered people like this fucking lady that's suing this 11 year old kid for hitting her in their face with a baseball standing near where the kids are throwing baseball she got hit in the face by a baseball and she's suing this kid for half a million dollars what kind of a fucking crazy asshole sues an 11 year old kid for throwing a baseball and i'll tell you this is what's also repulsive is that happened in jersey and of course the little league is not supporting them at all they're going it's a matter between the those cocksuckers fucking walked right away from this guy because they weren't named in the litigation so the selfishness is is everywhere everybody is fucking self -obsessed and it comes from the people that's why people who are insurance companies rape us that's why are they rape us because we're all fucking selfish yeah people sue and then the doctors have to pay a higher fucking insurance they charge you more it's like we but we started fucking each other on the ground level but there's that thing It's like, I totally agree with, there's way too many people that look at, like, lawsuits as the lottery.

[1026] I mean, we've all seen videos of people faking, falling down, when they have those hidden security cameras, and they're, like, slip on purpose, and you see them, like, look around and fall, and then they show them the video and they fucking bust them.

[1027] But there are people that really do legitimately fucking hurt themselves because of someone's negligent.

[1028] Like, if your mom is walking and some asshole, you know, mop the floor and didn't tell anybody that it was still wet and didn't put up one of those little things, so everybody chose to.

[1029] out, you know, a little danger little thing, and you fall and break your fucking hip, you shouldn't be you shouldn't have to pay for that.

[1030] Somebody fucked up.

[1031] My grandmother got hurt in a bank parking lot like that.

[1032] She slipped and she hurt herself and I think she only got a few grand.

[1033] Like they kind of fucked around the settlement.

[1034] She didn't get anything.

[1035] She was old or hip fucked up.

[1036] I see both sides of it.

[1037] I definitely see that some people get fucked over and buy things that other people were negligent about, you know, that they should have taken responsibility to make sure that their customers were safe.

[1038] I see that too.

[1039] But they also see there's a lot of people that look at any opportunity to sue someone like it's the lottery.

[1040] Legitimate lawsuits.

[1041] I'm not talking about those because there were plenty of times where you should be able to sue the doctor because of malpractice.

[1042] Like if he sews you up and he leaves something in you, yeah, that's grounds for a fucking lawsuit.

[1043] For sure.

[1044] If he makes it critical error, should you be able to sue, like should a guy be able to sue, say if you're giving a guy a massage and that guy wants you to jerk him off?

[1045] No, I think he should actually be able to sue you for not offering to.

[1046] That fucking makes me sick.

[1047] These guys are suing Travolta.

[1048] For $2 million.

[1049] And here's what Here's what annoys me is that the guy said he like Trevolta grabbed for his scrotum and then he said like a few minutes later Trowal Whoa whoa whoa A fucking how is there a few minutes later man If he said If he said Travolta grabbed my scrotum And I dropped the oil and fucking ran out the door That's a guy that to me is a legitimate beef But what happened was he kept You're going to tell me as a masseur You don't read that fucking body language Every time I push my asshole up in the air The fucking chick massage of me Knows exactly what I want Every time Every time she creeps up my thigh And I go She knows what I'm saying to her Fucking go for my balls It's an unwritten It's you're going into it with plausible Deniability from both people But the masseur and the masseuse always knows The therapist always knows When you want something extra All right They feel it They read your fucking body So do you think That the majority of guys That he propositions Do you think What do you think his batting ratio is?

[1050] I'm gonna guess Travolta If I had, if any of it's true, I will speculate that he's probably batting 800 or 750.

[1051] He's got fucking, he probably makes Thai combo like a fucking rank amateur.

[1052] Because a guy in that position, you know, first of all, he's not used to hearing no. And he has enough money to just keep throwing fucking money at you.

[1053] Sometimes I've up the ante.

[1054] I've up the ante when it's $150 massage.

[1055] Like, come on, I'll be really generous.

[1056] And then, like, you know when you got them when they're like, what the other girls do that?

[1057] Gotcha.

[1058] Like in my head, I'm like, fucking got you.

[1059] I know when they ask a certain.

[1060] question that I got him.

[1061] How do you know that you got them on that question?

[1062] Because they wouldn't inquire if they weren't interested.

[1063] Like one girl told me, she was massaging me. And I was like, you know, because she's like, girls do this?

[1064] I'm like, yeah, you know, I'll take good care of them.

[1065] And she's like, I would never do that.

[1066] She's like, well, how much do you give them?

[1067] I fucking so got you.

[1068] I so got you.

[1069] And I did for 300.

[1070] She let me jerk off.

[1071] I rubbed her ass on the bed and I jerked off on the floor.

[1072] So she gets, she makes deals.

[1073] Like, you can do this, but you can't do that.

[1074] Yeah, and you kind of, like, you have to, there's a certain, again, there's a certain lingo you go with.

[1075] You don't just go, I'll give you this, because that makes them feel like a prostitute.

[1076] And they're really not prostitutes.

[1077] They're just girls making a snap judgment that you're okay, and fuck it, I'll play with them and make a little extra.

[1078] Right, and it's, in a way, it's kind of safe.

[1079] It's not like you're going to do anything crazy.

[1080] You're in a massage powder.

[1081] Well, you know, it's usually my house.

[1082] Oh, you should bring them to your house?

[1083] Oh, dude, I can't pull that off in a fucking spa.

[1084] They won't go near your cock at a spa.

[1085] They mummy wrap you.

[1086] I hate that.

[1087] Whenever they lift my thigh in a therapeutic fashion and wrap them.

[1088] towel I'm like out but if you're having them come to your house and massage you man that's how many of those girls are doing the hand release I'd say I've had maybe a 60 to 70 or 65 % of batting average but a lot of them I haven't tried it on because I know they won't like when they walk in the door a lot of times you can tell by the attitude the vibe the body language that they're not going to do that so crazy job for a girl man sure up at dude's houses and do you ever go to that website like the Yelp page for that uh happy endings or something like oh no i never knew it existed yeah there's a page that just uh breaks down every single like massage parlor and girls that are like in papers and stuff and they're like every town how helpful it's just it's like yep i think it's happy endings that's wonderful no i've never done that but i certainly will it's pretty legit i'm i think i feel okay i feel much different about it knowing that you actually get these girls to go to your house because i would assume that most girls when they go to guys houses have to be thinking there's a very high possibility this guy might whip his dick out Yeah, a lot of times they know.

[1089] It depends on how, if they go there because of a recommendation, sometimes I'm like, well, she knows that I go with someone who massages me and I never do anything with her so she feels comfortable.

[1090] You read the thing going in.

[1091] But those therapists, don't tell me you didn't know Travolta's body language and you could have stopped and walked out whenever you wanted to.

[1092] So while I do believe their accounts, I don't believe any of them deserve any money.

[1093] I feel bad for Travolta.

[1094] I mean, it's got to be tortured to be that guy and want to do some things that you just can't fucking do Do you want to come out and go, yeah, I did it?

[1095] So what?

[1096] To have them suing you for millions of dollars?

[1097] Get the fuck out of here.

[1098] Well, his whole situation is so weird because, look, if it's all not true, then it's like, what is there some crazy conspiracy against this guy?

[1099] Like, what's going on?

[1100] Is this, I mean, if it's not true, it's terrible and he's being persecuted.

[1101] And if it is true, so don't fucking massage him.

[1102] You know what's up now?

[1103] The cat's out of the bag.

[1104] If John Travolta calls you up and it's 2 o 'clock in the afternoon on a Saturday, and you've got to go to his hotel to massage him.

[1105] massage him assume you have to suck his dick yeah or he's gonna want to suck yours we know okay now we know let's can we just leave it alone like why do we have to beat it into the ground why does someone have to get sued now you know don't go to johnster did you know like some guys are saying well you already had a reputation well then why the fuck did you go why'd you know maybe their job maybe the job the boss said listen you got to take this one for the team yeah but i think you'd tell your boss like look he was opening his asshole the last time you got it you got to set the rules right away mr travolta this is not going to get sexual which to him must be like the ultimate turn on to eventually think of his dick in your mouth after you saying those words and it'll make it even more exciting.

[1106] Yeah, because you start thinking, all right, well, the question now is how much is it going to take to fucking break that?

[1107] And one guy was saying that Travolta was opening his asshole and going massage here.

[1108] I guess the guy wasn't taking the hint so he said DeVolta opened his cheeks which is a fucking great.

[1109] Oh, my God, he opened his cheeks.

[1110] Was he asking him to fuck him or he just wanted him to look at his assol?

[1111] No, I think he was saying to rub here, rub here.

[1112] guess he was just getting, if it's true, he was probably just getting sick and tired of fucking not having his body language read the way he wanted to read.

[1113] Holy with cheese.

[1114] He's an animal.

[1115] He's an animal.

[1116] He doesn't give a fuck.

[1117] He's just whipping out his dick, Bill Clinton style.

[1118] Dude, I've pulled that move, though, so many.

[1119] I'm not as aggressive as him, but with women.

[1120] He's trying to convert straight guys.

[1121] He, yeah, Travolta, I guess when, again, you're on that level, just getting someone gay to blow you.

[1122] It means nothing.

[1123] It's like, I want to get a guy with a wife and kids to stick this in his mouth.

[1124] Yeah, that would be like you only going after lesbians.

[1125] Like, how rude.

[1126] You know, you're getting all creepy with lesbians and going after them only.

[1127] Why?

[1128] Why are you doing that?

[1129] Yeah, it's just a power thing.

[1130] You know they don't want it.

[1131] They're not interested in what you're selling.

[1132] But what he wants is, again, he wants somebody who will do it.

[1133] What I want is when I get a massage, if somebody jerks me off, I like it because they have to leave with no complaints.

[1134] What are you going to tell?

[1135] You just jerk me off for money.

[1136] What are you going to complain about it and go like, hey, Jim, you weren't nice to me. You didn't take me out to eat.

[1137] Like, you really do.

[1138] You pay for the finality the relationship right like like this is our relationship right here you cannot ask me for anything more if i want to give you more meaning emotionally that's great and if you want to receive it that's great but you can't ask for it and get mad when it's not given because the totality of our relationship was i handed you money it's a really weird psychology well it's sort of like when you go to a strip club and all of a sudden the girls are coming up to you and talking to you and asking you if you'd like a dance like giving you attention like what is this weird world where all of a sudden these beautiful girls come towards you.

[1139] You know, it's a complete reversal of the real -life scenario.

[1140] That's one of the reasons why it's so intoxicating and crazy when it actually happens.

[1141] It's like, even though you know they're doing it for money.

[1142] My goal is to blow a load of my pants in the strip club.

[1143] I've done that twice.

[1144] I've blown two loads of my pants.

[1145] That was my goal.

[1146] Whatever, they'd start lap dancing me, once in Vegas and once in New Orleans.

[1147] I was out to get with Louis Ramey and Pete Correlli.

[1148] And they were outside the fucking strip club, and I walked out and I had on satin boxers.

[1149] And I had a fucking load all over them And I open my things I'm like look how great is this I fucking win You showed everybody your load Yeah yeah yeah You made me smell your load once At the Opian Anthony show Did I really?

[1150] Yeah you had a load like packed into your belly button Oh no You gave it to EROC And EROC almost threw up And you go do you want me smell on Do you want to smell it?

[1151] You want to smell it?

[1152] I'll take a shot How was it?

[1153] It wasn't good Oh thanks Joe It was rough It was rough You guys can't do that kind of stuff much anymore it seems like, right?

[1154] Could they censor you guys?

[1155] Not really.

[1156] Honestly, no. I mean, we're careful about saying things that will get us sued and certain extreme language, but that's a self -censorship.

[1157] Anything with like bodily fluids they're crazy about because the different, what XM's article and serious article is we are on everywhere in the U .S. and Canada, and we don't want to have to deal with community standards issue because we're in every fucking corner of the country.

[1158] Right.

[1159] So the Tampa laws could possibly apply to you.

[1160] And they haven't gotten sued.

[1161] and I don't think they ever will but they're like you never know you never want to give them a reason by doing something that's unnecessary so again I understand why they self -protect because it doesn't cost anything for the city to sue you it costs none of them any money now you're a fairly conservative guy when it comes to I mean I wouldn't say you're very similar to me in a lot of ways that people would think that you'd be liberal but you're more of a pragmatist you're more pragmatic in your approach but you're on like red eye all the time on Fox News and all this would you if a guy that gets into the White House next.

[1162] If someone, if it, you know, I don't know what Mitt Romney's ideas are, but if someone is like really right -wing and they get, what is Mitt Romney's ideas about language?

[1163] What is his ideas about censorship?

[1164] I think he's more of a moderate.

[1165] I mean, to be honest, because he was, he was the governor of Massachusetts at one point.

[1166] I don't think you could be that conservative in run Massachusetts.

[1167] I think he's more moderate than, say, a lot of conservatives would be.

[1168] Well, if he, say if they got a Republican candidate that was a more conservative, more radical, sort of a right -wing type of a dude.

[1169] We, I mean, we usually could see some lockdowns on the Internet, easily could see at least some attempts at censorship of online content and censorship of satellite radio, perhaps moving the FCC, deciding that the government needs to expand.

[1170] It's, you know, maybe they'll make some sort of a connection between certain events that have happened, and, you know, maybe we need to tone down our standards and make things a little bit nicer.

[1171] and they might go, I mean, know that satellite radio is able.

[1172] Any fucking person could just turn it on and listen to it.

[1173] That's not outside the realm of possibility that they would try to clamp down and censor satellite radio, just like they have censored broadcast TV.

[1174] Well, they tried to get their hands on it.

[1175] They tried already, but because it's a subscription service, because that opens a can of worms where they would have to, HBO would then have to allow, and then they'd have to, because you know, nothing on cable is regulated by the FCC.

[1176] They can't touch it because it's a subscription service.

[1177] So I don't know if they'll ever be able to, get into that because that's too much of a of a violation where I don't the public airways their argument is their argument but I don't think they have any shot at getting well I don't think you know I don't think they would either but I think they could I think it is possible if the right person was in office you know so much of this country relies on momentum you know and with ideas especially like you know people that decide what people shouldn't shouldn't be able to say when you know when someone says you can't say faggot or someone says you can't say retard or someone says and you really go after people that do that.

[1178] Sure.

[1179] You start, you've get into a very tricky situation where it's like, who decides what can and can't be said?

[1180] And that's a weird thing when everybody's pulling back, when everybody's, you know, holding off and not honestly expressing themselves.

[1181] Like, you can't just completely eliminate words from the vocabulary because you've decided that they hurt feelings too much.

[1182] Because what about all the fun times you have calling someone a fucking retard?

[1183] Right.

[1184] There's some great moments in life where you say, oh my God, I'm a fucking retard and your friends are howling and laughing.

[1185] You're saying you shouldn't be able to do that anymore.

[1186] It shouldn't be able to have a positive thing.

[1187] It shouldn't be able to be a fun word that you can express either on the radio or through friends.

[1188] Really?

[1189] Is it only negative?

[1190] And only because of the fact that some people negatively react to it.

[1191] Now it has to be eliminated.

[1192] Really?

[1193] Well, again, once the NACP buried the word nigger, they had that, remember that they had like a symbolic funeral.

[1194] And I understood why Michael Richards.

[1195] I think what he did was shitty because he was yelling at anger.

[1196] There's a huge difference between that and saying something in the context of a joke.

[1197] But once that happened, once one word goes, even though that's a reprehensible word and it has a horrible history attached to it, that word has a history attached to it, that most words don't.

[1198] It's a dehumanizing word.

[1199] And it was used a lot.

[1200] I mean, and it was used in a direct oppression.

[1201] There's a lot of reasons why it's a tremendously damaging word, but the fact that it was, quote, unquote removed, now everybody justifiably says, look, well, if I get hurts me, retard hurts me, this hurts me, and eventually it's going to go into other words, so you can't respect any of it.

[1202] I self -censor like you do because I make decisions on what the reaction is going to be, is it going to get me the reaction I want, but you can't fucking regulate.

[1203] You can't regulate.

[1204] Lenny Bruce had it right in the fucking 50s.

[1205] He's like, if you just say it over and over again, it won't mean anything and it weren't hurt some little kids' feelings, and you call him a nigger, it won't mean anything.

[1206] Yeah, he was right, but I mean That's right.

[1207] It's just, you know what I mean?

[1208] Heroin!

[1209] But they ruined him.

[1210] I mean, he's so sad because he just wanted to do his act for the court.

[1211] Just wanted them to see that it wasn't obscene.

[1212] And like, it's fucking, you know, it's really a sad fucking...

[1213] It's terrifying story.

[1214] It is.

[1215] That and the heroin.

[1216] All of it together.

[1217] Without the heroin, they still would have went after him.

[1218] I mean, they still would have fucking ruined his life.

[1219] Of course.

[1220] I mean, he was the original groundbreaker.

[1221] But it's almost like you have to have a guy who's just completely wild like Lenny, the kind of guy that would get hooked on heroin.

[1222] You almost have to have that guy.

[1223] to be the first guy to really step out like that.

[1224] But I'm conservative about stuff like that, like about terrorism.

[1225] I'm conservative about crime, certain tax issues, but I'm very liberal about things like gay marriage.

[1226] Like the liberals have really lost me on language.

[1227] I've been to hate liberals because the language obsession, but the conservatives, with their whole anti -gay stance, I fucking hate them for.

[1228] Like, I hate the stance.

[1229] Well, the problem on the conservative side, too, is that during the Reagan administration, it got attached with fundamental Christianity.

[1230] That's when they really started to go after that vote because it's a strong, they unite, you know, the churches are all together and groups are together and they, you know, they unite.

[1231] They'll unite, they'll rally and boycott certain anti -Christian things, you know, especially if something is, you know, sacrilegious or whatever they would think it would be, that would be wrong.

[1232] So they rally and they make a lot of fucking noise.

[1233] But the boycotts work, though.

[1234] It worked in Selma in the 60s.

[1235] But look what happened to Jack Haffordy.

[1236] He was on one of the new shows and he said something about the thug, He was talking about the Chinese government.

[1237] And he said something that got him a lot of flack on CNN.

[1238] And there was Chinese people, Asian protesting.

[1239] They were very upset.

[1240] CNN didn't fucking budge.

[1241] Nothing happened.

[1242] How many of these things, because there's always a bigger news cycle right after it.

[1243] And again, this is a, I don't mean this to take away from the Virginia Tech Massacre.

[1244] But a few weeks after I miss, or two weeks after, the Virginia Tech Massacre happened.

[1245] It takes people's mind off that.

[1246] And then nobody's focusing on it.

[1247] The news isn't covering it.

[1248] So the boycotts are.

[1249] meaningless you just got to fucking plow through it and ignore it or take it on and point it out for the phony shit that it is and the boycott will probably not work that's what you have to do you have to point it out for the phony shit that it is you know it has to it has to be just come on just stop you know the problem is when networks buckle and you know companies buckle and they do and they do sure they're terrified they only see the negative they only see the negative they don't see any positive aspect in standing your ground on a controversial issue that's, you know, I, you know, because there's a bunch of fucking self -righteous douchebags out there that'll get on Twitter or get on Facebook and make these big long, I supported your company and I was always a brawra -bra -br -ber -ber -and -till you this and just, and come on, stop.

[1250] Have you, I mean, and Dana seems like he's, he stands behind most of the time.

[1251] I'm sure there's things that bothered Dana, but he seems like he kind of stands behind his guys if what he feels is said is reasonable and not, like, I kind of admire.

[1252] the guy's like doing trash talking No, no, no, Dana White, like when things have popped up publicly, he seems like, you know, like you had a thing and you fucking, you know, whatever.

[1253] He didn't dump you, which I was happy to see.

[1254] A couple of other things, he didn't dump guys for, and I kind of respected the way that company handled things on a case -by -case basis and didn't just overreact to every complaint.

[1255] Yeah, well, you know, they're not dumb.

[1256] They didn't get to run the UFC by being dumb or being people that conform to other people's ideas.

[1257] I mean, Dana and Lorenzo Frank, they're just bad motherfuckers.

[1258] They organize this whole thing.

[1259] The amount of work that guy does is mind -boggling, staggering.

[1260] He's constantly flying here and there.

[1261] And Lorenzo, too, and their international flights, and they're constantly fucking working on new deals and expanding the UFC all over the world, and now they've got the ultimate fighter in Brazil.

[1262] We just did one.

[1263] They saw it.

[1264] 20 million people saw it in Brazil.

[1265] 20 million people saw it in Brazil.

[1266] Wrap your head around that, dude.

[1267] You never seen crowds like these Brazilian crowds.

[1268] They go fucking crazy.

[1269] They go crazy.

[1270] Before the fights even started, in between fights, they were doing the wave and going nuts.

[1271] They fucking loved it.

[1272] So, you know.

[1273] Oh, I saw that.

[1274] All the Brazilian guys won on that fight.

[1275] I mean, they, like, who won it?

[1276] Except the Fabrizio Verdezum and Rich Franklin Van der Leyen Silver.

[1277] Oh, I'm thinking of the UFC band.

[1278] Oh, yeah.

[1279] A while ago where, who?

[1280] Oh, you're thinking about Joe, Severeux.

[1281] Sealdo and Chad Mendez.

[1282] Yeah, no, this was this past weekend.

[1283] Okay.

[1284] Yeah, it was awesome.

[1285] It was fucking incredible, incredible fights.

[1286] But what I was saying is, like, Dana is, he's not a dumb guy, you know, he's, he's way too smart to give in to the stupid shit that's involved in political correctness.

[1287] Right.

[1288] He stands his ground and speaks his opinion about everything.

[1289] And so what he wants from guys in the company is to just, you know, represent yourself as professionally as possible.

[1290] and, you know, and try to, try to promote yourself.

[1291] And a guy like Chail Sunnan knows how to do that.

[1292] You don't have to tell him how to do that.

[1293] He figures out how to do it.

[1294] He knows how to write things.

[1295] He says hilarious shit, stays in character.

[1296] And he backs it up with the fact that he could fight his fucking ass off.

[1297] Yeah, he's a scary guy.

[1298] He's a nightmare.

[1299] And he's a smart dude, man. He's a very smart dude.

[1300] Smart dude that can beat the fuck out of you.

[1301] What do you think?

[1302] Were they scared to have him fight in?

[1303] Because I wondered, like, what he was, when I heard he was going to fight Silva in Brazil, I'm like, that's fucking scary.

[1304] I was scared because I was going to be ringside.

[1305] You know, it's like, man, if he wins, this place could get nasty.

[1306] Because he said a lot of nasty shit about Brazil.

[1307] Not the country.

[1308] And about Brazilians.

[1309] You know, Brazilian people are extremely proud.

[1310] Yeah.

[1311] It's an incredible place.

[1312] It's such a friendly culture.

[1313] I mean, I know they have crime and they have problems.

[1314] But it is like these martial arts events, the MMA events that we've had there, are so fucking fun.

[1315] The crowds are so enthusiastic.

[1316] And no douchebags at all.

[1317] Everybody there for a party.

[1318] Everybody there for a good time.

[1319] They really root on those American fighters, though.

[1320] And when an American guy wins, they get fucking pissed, man. What do you think is going to happen?

[1321] I mean, I know it's hard to make a prediction, but, I mean, I'm so fucking into.

[1322] I'm going to this fight with Bob Kelly, and we're doing this thing.

[1323] We're just talking to people for O &A.

[1324] And I can't believe how fucking sight they have for this fight.

[1325] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[1326] Why did they move favor, by the way?

[1327] Do you know?

[1328] Well, because Joseoaldo injured his leg, He was supposed to defend his title in Calgary against Eric Koch, but Aldo had a leg injury, so they decided to create a interim title.

[1329] Okay.

[1330] So it's Henan Barrao versus Uriah Faber for the interim title, and they moved that.

[1331] And I think that's a fucking spectacular fight, man. Henan Barow is awesome, man. I'm bummed out that we don't get to see the Jose Aldo fight, but he'll be back.

[1332] But they weren't going to be fighting in Vegas anyway.

[1333] No, that was...

[1334] Where was that one going to be?

[1335] Is it Calgary?

[1336] Yeah, that was Calgary.

[1337] It's hard to keep track of them all sometimes now.

[1338] You're so lucky, dude.

[1339] It's like you're one of the few guys who I can really love what you do too because I don't like, I love.

[1340] I think Louis is a genius.

[1341] I don't watch a show because I'm afraid I'll be influenced by.

[1342] I'm afraid like other comedians who I love, I'll be influenced by like watching.

[1343] But you're doing something that's like when you're doing the UFC, I can't.

[1344] I don't, I'm not going to announce UFC.

[1345] So I can just love what you are doing.

[1346] And I've told you, I think you're the best announcer in sports.

[1347] Oh, thank you, man. I love watching those events and listening to you do it.

[1348] And it's really nice to enjoy a friend doing something.

[1349] I agree.

[1350] I agree.

[1351] Yeah.

[1352] It's nice to enjoy it.

[1353] I have friends any musicians, and I really love watching musicians play because I have no musical talent, no connection to music.

[1354] So to me, it's just, I'm just watching someone play a fucking guitar brilliantly.

[1355] I just get a jazz out of it, you know?

[1356] It is a weird thing, though, though.

[1357] You get jazz hands.

[1358] Yeah.

[1359] I don't, by the way, I don't mean that I don't enjoy you comedically.

[1360] No, I know exactly what you're saying.

[1361] When I, you know, when we watch comedians sometimes, I try to be a fan of comedy because I really do love it.

[1362] So I do watch a lot of comedians.

[1363] I watch guys I work with, and I don't worry about it influencing me too much.

[1364] I think I pretty much have my own idea of what I do now.

[1365] But I know the feeling that, I mean, we've all been influenced by other comedians and we've all caught ourselves.

[1366] Like, when I was young, I caught myself doing Richard Jenny once on stage, and I, like, really realized I was doing it.

[1367] You know, it's like it sounded like him, you know.

[1368] I was like, oh, it just sounded so disgusting, you know.

[1369] So it's sort of a natural thing sometimes to be influenced by someone to you admire someone who does really well.

[1370] It's like catching yourself in the mirror when you're walking to get the comrack.

[1371] Like, you know, you have a glance at yourself as you're fucking looking down your leg and you're like, oh, wow, what happened?

[1372] You see the load everywhere and you're like, oh.

[1373] Yeah, you got a fucking penguin.

[1374] and walk you're like how did this fuck is wrong with me i imagine that's what it's like if you're washing off a strap on you catch yourself in the fucking bathroom mirror yeah and you're not doing a good job and you have to go back and clean it more yeah you just keep smelling it when you finish your shirt everything's okay to throw it back in the drawer oh Jesus yeah you can't reuse a strap on it i mean it should be something that it's it's you know it's so rare that you can spend 30 bucks and throw it in the trash you feel bad You know, it shouldn't be happening so often that you're like, well, I've got to keep a fucking good box of clean ones nearby.

[1375] You never want to wear one out.

[1376] Like, you never want to go like, wow, this has seen better days.

[1377] I wonder what the world record is for straight guys that have taken it up the ass with a strap on.

[1378] I wonder if there's...

[1379] Who cares about that record?

[1380] I would love to know that record.

[1381] I'll never break it, but I'll admire whoever got it.

[1382] Yeah, there's certain things in the world record where you're like, I mean, how badly do you want to be recognized?

[1383] reap.

[1384] You're going to grow your fingernails 15 feet long and kill the nerves in your arm.

[1385] Those guys that grow their fingers long.

[1386] They suffer permanent nerve damage.

[1387] They just look like their hands smell.

[1388] Oh, yeah.

[1389] Like they don't, you ever smell like under a nail?

[1390] It's not good.

[1391] Well, those nails are insane.

[1392] Like, you're not, that's like some kind of crazy obsession.

[1393] You've ever seen those, Brian?

[1394] Yeah.

[1395] It's, it's really nutty.

[1396] Pull up a picture of the guy who won the world's record for the longest nails because this guy, like, literally his arm became useless.

[1397] Is he Indian?

[1398] Yes, okay, I think I've seen him Yeah And he just wanted to get in that Guinness book, man To him it was so important That he gave up the use of one of his arms Just so he could grow the longest nails And they look like a tree He looks like an asshole Oh my god, look how my nails Look how nutty that is But he just looks like an asshole Like why don't people tell him like you look stupid Look at that Oh my god, is that her nails Yeah, no they can't be real That's like jazz hand They can't be real Yeah does it say they're real?

[1399] Yeah That's a Jazzy and Wolverine.

[1400] Come on, man. Does it say they're real?

[1401] Of course, is it.

[1402] Why would that woman fucking have to take?

[1403] Rose Longest Nails.

[1404] Number one.

[1405] Lee Redmond.

[1406] She's a giant head to her head is awful.

[1407] God, those nails are insane.

[1408] I think I saw her in my free cams.

[1409] Oh, my God.

[1410] How does she even wipe her pussy?

[1411] Yeah, right, exactly.

[1412] Dude, back up.

[1413] Check that shit out.

[1414] Oh, that's like a video of her.

[1415] But that's not her.

[1416] They're all short right there.

[1417] That's her.

[1418] Why are they so short there?

[1419] Oh, my God.

[1420] These are wolf claws.

[1421] This is so strange.

[1422] I just kind of a challenge to myself to see how far they would go before they started twisting out of shape.

[1423] And I couldn't cut them.

[1424] So they just kept growing and growing, and I kept setting dates and dates that I was going to do it.

[1425] And then I started getting all of this worldwide notoriety.

[1426] And then it's strange how they become part of you.

[1427] Exactly what her house I thought would look like a redder fan in the Midwest.

[1428] Horrible crap.

[1429] Look at how the nails go under her forearm while she was writing.

[1430] The door was open, and I looked out, and I could see the road going.

[1431] And I just felt kind of like a suction, and I remember nothing after the feeling of being sucked out of the vehicle.

[1432] But the first thing I spotted was a fingernail, and I just, oh, and I kind of started to cry.

[1433] There's one of my fingernails.

[1434] Oh, that's great.

[1435] I couldn't have had a better ending as far as I'm concerned.

[1436] Wow.

[1437] Fucking broke her dumb nails.

[1438] Good.

[1439] That is crazy.

[1440] I wonder if her nails were the fault of the accident.

[1441] Right.

[1442] She probably couldn't steer properly.

[1443] Oh, yeah, right?

[1444] Yeah.

[1445] She probably couldn't grip the fucking thing right.

[1446] Look at this guy here.

[1447] Oh, my God.

[1448] That's the Indian guy.

[1449] Oh, look at those things.

[1450] There's, oh, that's so much longer than hers.

[1451] You should see her at that woman's pussy.

[1452] See, so she had the woman's longest nails.

[1453] but this motherfucker's got the longest nails.

[1454] I mean, them shits are ridiculous.

[1455] That's a totally different animal he's got.

[1456] I think that's meaty, more meatier.

[1457] How much would you love to fucking just axe those?

[1458] Can you turn this up?

[1459] The impression of me changed, and I became not an ordinary man. I was not an ordinary man anymore, and so that pushed me to keep my conviction.

[1460] This nails look like alien nails.

[1461] Imagine chewing what they taste like.

[1462] Oh, my God.

[1463] Look, he's got him taped together.

[1464] The tape has gotten yellow awesome.

[1465] Look how gross that is.

[1466] He's got it taped up, and it swings around in a big circle around his thumb.

[1467] I would not want to eat at this restaurant now.

[1468] Dude, his fucking arm is worthless.

[1469] You're useless.

[1470] He gave up use of his left arm just to be a cool guy with the longest nails.

[1471] But who, does his wife not tell him, like, they look terrible?

[1472] I don't know, man, in India People are different in different parts of the world What if in India that's the shit It's probably like a hoarder It's probably like a disease, a mental disease Oh yeah, you're probably right You have like a sense of accomplishment So there's one thing in your life That you know is normal or awesome or something One thing you're good at Not cutting your nails What a shitty thing to be good at It's so crazy The idea that somehow or another This value But it is because people are paying attention to him Yeah but not good attention People pay attention to Sandusky too But not for the like you know what I mean It's bad reasons Yeah but they're not angry at him They're like whoa they want to look at it maybe that's all he needs you know he just needs someone like to want to stare at him and just a reaction I mean is it even positive it's like woo like people look at it they look at it it's not it's it's horrific for sure it's disgusting but it's also energetic you're like oh whoa like to him it might be just that just the fact that everywhere he goes there's no denying that he gets a significant reaction you know so that's enough so it gives him like important it gives him something you think he's a very uninteresting guy and that's the one time people show interest Like every story he tells people probably zone out.

[1473] He probably sees their eyes going up in the air.

[1474] He's probably a terrible bore.

[1475] I bet all he talks about is his fucking stupid nails.

[1476] You think that's all day.

[1477] You think he segues every conversation.

[1478] He tries to steer it back to his fucking stupid left hand.

[1479] Yeah, his wife wants to talk about the news.

[1480] There is a guy in Pakistan who thinks he can grow longer nails than me. Fuck you.

[1481] I say to him, fuck you.

[1482] I will never quit.

[1483] He thinks I would quit.

[1484] And he just gets mad.

[1485] And he hears about dudes trying to take his crown.

[1486] I wonder if there's like an online giant nail community where they can like check because there's like fat websites where dudes would try to gain weight on purpose and like it was like sort of a bear thing and talk about a hot their guts looked Wow!

[1487] Yeah, yeah It sounds like when I tried to end a relationship That's what Brian does He just eats himself into a fucking sponge shape And then they're like so disgusted with me They break up with me. Is it hard?

[1488] It's hard for me I got a lot of weight to lose now guys Dude, that's a hilarious joke.

[1489] You should talk about that on stage because it's so funny.

[1490] And it is true.

[1491] I think actually I have.

[1492] You should do it more often.

[1493] It's really hard to not eat like a fucking pig, man. Yeah.

[1494] It's hard, dude.

[1495] I hate my body.

[1496] It's just for the speed alone.

[1497] I just forget to eat.

[1498] And I'm like, oh, shit, I really need to eat because I'm not going to be able to eat for like five hours.

[1499] What do I have?

[1500] Jack in the box.

[1501] All right.

[1502] You know, it's...

[1503] Yeah, that's one of the reasons I like being home so much.

[1504] One of the favorite things is because I can actually eat real food and control what I eat and actually go to the supermarket.

[1505] And having to eat at restaurants all the time, And plus the temptation, like if you're hungry and you're out in the road and you see it, Wendy's like, damn, double cheeseburger would be pretty fucking good right now.

[1506] But you work out so much, dude.

[1507] I went out with you once in Austin and we ate, you had fucking pancakes.

[1508] Like, you had a man's meal.

[1509] I'm trying to nibble on salmon like a fucking fruit.

[1510] But I'm like, you know what?

[1511] Because you do how many you work out for so long.

[1512] You can get away with that and fucking do what you want.

[1513] You can't let it get out of hand.

[1514] You know, you can only keep eating pancakes and shit as long as you're actually eating regular food for the most part.

[1515] Like healthy food for the most part And then when that pancake comes up You deserve that bitch, go crazy How often do you give you something to cheat like that?

[1516] Every couple days, every like three or four days I try to do it every day But I don't restrict myself Like if one day I'm like at the coffee shop And a coconut macaroon looks extra delicious I'll fucking eat that coconut macaroon How often do you work out?

[1517] Almost every day Oh yes The key is to just keep I take at least one or two days off a week Depending on the week But the key is to keep it mostly positive mostly healthy, you know, 90 % really good food, 90 % salads on it.

[1518] But if you ever want to get some Kentucky fried chicken, come on, man, just have some chicken.

[1519] I would love to have some, actually.

[1520] I really haven't had KFC in years.

[1521] You know what I like it?

[1522] I like KFC cold with hot sauce.

[1523] I take that L. Yucoteca, habanero sauce.

[1524] That's the shit you can only get at Mexican supermarkets.

[1525] I order it online on Amazon .com.

[1526] I mean, dog .com.

[1527] Oh, dude, and you pour some of that hot sauce and then dip the chicken in there until you're fucking mouth wants to explode.

[1528] Oh, so you like it like that?

[1529] I love it.

[1530] I have to piss desperately.

[1531] Can I run out of piss?

[1532] Fuck, yeah, yeah.

[1533] But I try not to, um, to eat too much of that shit.

[1534] But when I want to eat something that's shitty, I fucking eat it.

[1535] It's fun to actually eat with you because you order so much.

[1536] And it's kind of getting, it's kind of like, hey, let's get to see the half the menu all at once.

[1537] Kind of like if you're an employee and it's your first day of training and they usually cook one of everything.

[1538] You kind of do that in some ways.

[1539] And you'll, you'll have like, oh, I have just a little piece of this.

[1540] That's only after, like, two shows.

[1541] If we do, like, two shows somewhere, then I become a glutton.

[1542] I've never seen anyone, though, my whole life eat like you until I met you.

[1543] I've never heard of ordering more than one appetizer.

[1544] That was new to me. There was also, there's so many things that when I first got to meet you that was so shocking to me. Now I find myself doing them all the time, like talking about masturbating.

[1545] I never would have talked about my masturbation out in the public to anybody.

[1546] You know, and now I talk about it all the time.

[1547] But you, like, broke that wall.

[1548] or whatever was down before.

[1549] You've done a lot to me, and I think you're very influential with a lot of people that listen to this podcast and friends and comments.

[1550] So they're all masturbating and talking about it?

[1551] They're all masturbating, talking about it.

[1552] Well, you know, I think we all influence each other.

[1553] You know, I think there's positive things that we can learn from everybody.

[1554] But, you know, shouldn't be worried about talking about masturbating.

[1555] Yeah, that was weird.

[1556] It's all weird.

[1557] It's all weird.

[1558] It's one of the things I love about Norton.

[1559] He doesn't give a fuck.

[1560] He'll talk about anything.

[1561] He's just so crazy.

[1562] Like, sometimes she shocks me. You know, I hear him talk about things.

[1563] Like, his girlfriend fucking with a strap on.

[1564] I want to protect him.

[1565] Like, don't say it anymore.

[1566] Stop.

[1567] Stop now.

[1568] This is too crazy.

[1569] All the urine stuff.

[1570] Yeah.

[1571] He's awesome.

[1572] You know, that's when, you know, the other thing that happened to you is you got into the world of the stand -up comedian.

[1573] You went from the world of the computer salesman, a regular person, to the world of the stand -up comedian, which is in the world.

[1574] it's like becoming a stripper in the world of well it's like becoming a part of a weird community of uh of miscreants yeah you know and of uh artistic types and you know and and creative types and a lot of fucking weird people man yeah you know so it's like your whole reality changes so that's why like the other day when you were in that club doing uh jokes and people in the audience were like freaking out and patting their head with napkins right you got to realize they're not in this and they're not around fun people right they're not they don't get that opportunity i mean One of the, I think, and Jimmy, I bet you agree.

[1575] One of the best things about being a comic is that you're friends with comics get to hang out with comics.

[1576] Like a guy like Colin or like, you know, Joey Diaz.

[1577] Like, you know, you get to hang out with Brian Callan.

[1578] You know, you get to hang out with people who are fucking really entertaining and fun to be around all the time.

[1579] You know, it's a really weird thing with comics.

[1580] Like, I do think my friends, I'm friends with the funniest people in the country.

[1581] Yeah.

[1582] And I was on a plane going back to New York and Seth Meyer was on the plane.

[1583] and I didn't know I didn't know if it was 100 % him I've never met him but I knew it was a really weird cool feeling to know that at the end of the flight I think he's great and I wanted to tell him that and I knew that I could as a comic and I knew that he might not know a lot of what I've done but I knew he would recognize my face and I would be able to talk to him from it was really weird like that's what it must feel like to be an actor and see another actor like I'm psyched whenever I fucking see a comic who I like and I know I can just go up and say hello to him and even if they don't know who I am if I say I'm a comic Yeah.

[1584] Like, Joan Rivers, when I met, didn't know who I was.

[1585] But when she found out I was a comic, she had her road manager fucking passed me a newspaper.

[1586] She's like, yeah, she said, you look like you need something to read.

[1587] I was on the plane doing nothing.

[1588] So I was just a nice bond to have.

[1589] Yeah.

[1590] And I love being friends of a comedian.

[1591] Yeah, it's especially because I think both you and I, you know, when we started out, we would look at professional comedians with such awe and reverence, you know, the idea that one day you were going to actually be a professional.

[1592] You know, you're a real comic.

[1593] and then now you get to hang out with real comics and you're actually like working with these people and you know and they're like the people that you admire when you were the idea of the people that you admired when you were a kid you know and to know that they respect you and that you're welcome in the group it sounds you know it's like as comics we always want to be accepted and to know that you're not an outcast comic like this comics that some guys look at and go and you never want to be that guy because that's got to be awful but to know that other comics like me you know even if they don't enjoy my act they like me personally it's a nice feeling and it's a feeling of belonging which is very important absolutely humans like to be accepted and every human wants to be accepted and the crazy thing about comedy is you're asking for acceptance for you going out on crazy limbs i mean you're going out on the limb where you're standing on stage demanding people's attention and trying to make them react a certain way and laugh which is incredibly difficult you could never get a computer to figure out how to do it there's there's nuances and subtleties to it that really only exists organically i don't know i think they will they with chess it was the same thing they got casparov and those are moves those are moves those are numbers so two to left one of the right you know it's that's a big difference between that and the idea of humor you might be able to get some humor you're never going to figure out joey dyes on a computer what's funny is that he's really joey dyes right you know what's funny is that's the real dude he really doesn't give a fuck you can suck his dick he gets up at eight in the morning and goes right to the puck and pot dispensary like a doctor like that's yeah that's but you know what I'm saying like he's a real human you know like you can't invent a Patrice on a computer you're not going to do it you're not going to figure it out yeah I don't know have you tried alien wear try to do too Patrice funny fuck man oh he was awesome man and any guys like like I don't give a fuck guys and he really again another guy who just didn't I think at times he probably should have like when you look back over history like yeah he probably would have been farther along if he had cared earlier on But the business finally couldn't ignore it at the end Like after the sheen roast They're like oh that's what this guy does Yeah And they couldn't ignore it anymore And of course that's when you die Just stay well you know what man He's it's real hard for a lot of great comics To figure out how to market themselves You know we all know guys like Nick DePaolo Who's one of the fucking funniest guys ever Unbelievable Nick DePaul's a great stand -up comedian I saw him again the last time I was in New York I went by Carolines Just on like a random night For whatever reason I wasn't working.

[1594] Oh, it was the night before I was supposed to work.

[1595] That's what it was.

[1596] And I didn't know that DePaulo was going to be there.

[1597] And right before he got on stage, I arrived.

[1598] So I sat in the audience, like an audience member.

[1599] I just sat and watched his entire set.

[1600] And I was fucking crying.

[1601] Crying, that dude is funny.

[1602] He's fucking brilliant.

[1603] And he's always writing.

[1604] You know, he was doing something about Katrina victims, not getting rescued because they couldn't spell help.

[1605] It said, hep.

[1606] You want some hep?

[1607] Dip your fucking fingers in that water You want some happy dip your fingers in that water And it's not just the punchline It's the tagline is equally brilliant and punchline funny It was just so mean and so so like fucking Boston You know there's that certain style of comedy That again people would protest for sure There's a lot of shit that DePaula would say That people would get mad at but it's funny to watch it's funny It's funny to watch them at the cellar when they get upset Because he, Nick has no fucking fuse He immediately gets annoyed at them When they groan, you know what I mean?

[1608] Does the cellar like more sensitive?

[1609] Oh well you know They don't know who they're walking in the sea A lot of them are tourists And then Nick will go on And sometimes he'll say to him It's genuinely harsh Like that I'm in the back going like oof And like one girl in the front We'll go like oh And he's a fucking NYU cunts He just blast the entire room I just love the fact that he has no patience for their objection I've seen Nick DePaul get mad at people from crossing their arms This fucking guy crossing his arms Looking at me here Yeah what are you bored You don't even laugh You fuck you fuck you don't think that's funny A piece of shit But a guy like that I don't even like to watch Because he's such a good comic And he's so funny And it's like I just feel I'm not gonna be as good as that guy Like you know All I do is measure myself Aetel I'm on the road with I'm doing gigs with Artie and Nick And Atel we're doing these gigs together The four of us And it's like it's uncomfortable to watch Atel It's like he's so brilliant and I'm like, why don't you just enjoy it?

[1610] Can you just enjoy it?

[1611] I probably should.

[1612] Yeah.

[1613] You're probably right?

[1614] You can do it.

[1615] You know what, man?

[1616] I used to think the same way.

[1617] I used to think like, wow, I don't want to.

[1618] I used to not want to watch somebody because then I would bomb if I went on after them because I'd be thinking about their act and judging my own act and saying, fuck, I'm going to, I suck him to this guy.

[1619] But then somewhere along the line, I learned how to just laugh.

[1620] I learned how to just watch comedy and just enjoy it and not worry about my own shit.

[1621] And just, look, I know it worked before.

[1622] don't be so attached to it but don't worry about it just do the work do the work that it takes to create an act that's good enough so you don't have to worry about it and then enjoy it so like when i go on the road and i take ari with me or duncan or joey dyes i like watching i like standing on the sidelines and watching joey dyes i like howling with laughter it's fun i don't think holy shit he's killing i go on right next i never think that i think this is awesome this is this is fun I want to watch a guy who's hilarious is making me laugh I think that was just a shift in my consciousness I just had to kind of understand things better I'd get older Right And once I figured that out It changed the way I looked at comedy It's funny man It's so hard to do that You get so quick Like I used to be I had to feel negative before I went on I had to feel like I suck And I'm not going to do good I was almost lowering all expectations So if I bomb I kind of knew Now I don't do that Now I kind of assume It'll be good You know you've been around long enough.

[1623] Well, how bad does it feel when you go on stage cocky?

[1624] And I've done this before, and I've seen people do it before, and you eat it.

[1625] You go on stage cocky, you don't ingratiate yourself somehow or not that you miss the connection initially with the audience, and then you're already running on borrowed time, you know what I mean, and then you fucking feel like you can't get any traction, and then you're forcing bits, like we were talking about earlier, like over -emotion.

[1626] It's so gross.

[1627] When you just, you didn't approach the thing with enough fear.

[1628] you didn't approach it with enough reverence you know you got cocky you thought you're just going to be able to I've seen Joey Diaz do that I've seen him have bad sets because of that it's just it's one of those things you know I think we all do I mean I think we all go through it where you go up and you just like I'm gonna fucking hammer these people and then you go up and then once you miss the connection it's usually you can salvage something yeah like I was worried tonight when I went out and I sat on panel because the first couple of jokes were like eh well you had 14 year old girls in the audience though but I'm like that scared me because I'm like this is a fucking big show you fuck it and it's like you start all those years of doing gigs you start reaching for like you know how to manipulate your act and your set and what are you doing to kind of make it work and i knew where to go where i could get a laugh and it was like i did that but it's like i totally playing to these people in this audience and not to the millions of people around the world that were listening to you well i was doing stuff that i wanted to do anyway but i cut certain things and and went in a different order because even though i'm talking to the people at home you want the people at home to see you doing well because even though they're going to laugh what they're going to laugh at if they see you you don't want to bomb on a show that would be horrible it would stink even if the jokes were good the evidence proves that they weren't good right here I laughed at home fuck you these people in the audience didn't laugh at all yeah it was uncomfortable like they're just going to be uncomfortable for you like doesn't even know this is a big shot especially since you have this history of talking about all of your perversions and then here you are in front of 14 year old girls just about anything that's on your mind, like whatever bit that you were about to do.

[1629] And you would never have expected that would have been your crowd before you got there, right?

[1630] Well, I knew it because they told me that I was supposed to do this Friday with who's the Andrew Garfield who's playing Spider -Man.

[1631] I was going to be on the couch with him, which would have been perfect if it was similar audience, I'm sure, that demo and what I'm looking for.

[1632] Right.

[1633] But then they said, look, because of the finals, everything's get, we want to put you on Wednesday, which is a much bigger show because it's the middle of the week.

[1634] And, you know, Justin Bieber's on it.

[1635] And I'm like, I'm like, I don't know if I, I almost didn't want to do it because I realized the size of the show is different, but I'm like, I don't want to eat my fucking balls.

[1636] And look, you'll be fine.

[1637] We have faith in you.

[1638] And again, I pulled it out, but it could have been a disaster.

[1639] It was a disaster way to happen.

[1640] That was scary.

[1641] It's such a shit audience for your sense of humor.

[1642] You have a perverted sense of humor.

[1643] And it's all a lot of it is, you know, even the clean stuff is like people know, like there's always this wink, wink, hint that you're a purve, you know, under the surface of it all.

[1644] They didn't know what the happy ending was.

[1645] Like I said there was a happy ending.

[1646] The jokes I did decided there was a happy ending and that I did it.

[1647] And you like, destroyings in clubs.

[1648] But they were all like, huh?

[1649] Why would he do a happy?

[1650] I'm like, oh, fuck.

[1651] If I almost started tugging my tie, I don't get no respect.

[1652] Oh, it was fucking panicking, man. In my heart, I'm like, did you think about like playing to the people at home that must have been able to realize that you were in front of some 14 -year -old girls, like especially your fans.

[1653] I did, but again, I wanted to do decent because, again, And Mila Kunis is on the couch next scene.

[1654] It's like, I don't want to bomb in front of this fucking election.

[1655] She was great, by the way.

[1656] She was really fucking cool.

[1657] Yeah, she was very nice.

[1658] And it helps when somebody on the couch is kind of with you.

[1659] Right, right, right.

[1660] They'll laugh a little in the background.

[1661] I did panel one time with Bill Maher.

[1662] And I was not supposed to do it with another comedian, but the lead guest canceled.

[1663] So they just got Mar last minute.

[1664] They never put two standups on the panel.

[1665] And they told me, look, certain things you were going to talk about.

[1666] This is like Durham McCain -Obama running.

[1667] Bill's going to talk about.

[1668] So I had to switch my set.

[1669] And, uh, but Bill was surprisingly supportive on panel, which really fucking helped a lot because that could have been a disastrous situation.

[1670] I found out when I was in the store trying to buy a t -shirt an hour before I had to go over to NBC.

[1671] Like, look, we got some new Bill Maher is going to be and he's going to, you're going to have to change what you took.

[1672] So, wow.

[1673] So you were on your way over there.

[1674] What bits did you have to do that were different?

[1675] I forget what I was talking about, but it was something about Obama and McCain.

[1676] It was what, in, like, October or whatever of 08, which is the last time I've done panel because after that it was the Jay Leno show.

[1677] and then all these bits I was doing.

[1678] I think it would be kind of interesting to see your take after his take, you know?

[1679] I mean, as long as you're not doing the same jokes, why aren't you allowed to?

[1680] I mean, I probably could have.

[1681] I don't remember what they're, I don't think they said don't, but they might have said you might want to rethink it.

[1682] Okay.

[1683] Well, you know, again, to them, too.

[1684] What is it at the, you know, that they expect two comics to go up and both of them do, you know, McCain -Obama jokes?

[1685] Yeah.

[1686] You know?

[1687] They probably wanted to switch in just in tempo or tone.

[1688] Yeah.

[1689] Two guys up there talking about the exact same thing.

[1690] They might have felt it would have been bad for me. So what did you switch to?

[1691] I don't remember.

[1692] I never watched the set when I'm feeling.

[1693] I won't watch tonight.

[1694] I mean, I'll check on Twitter.

[1695] Let's hope it's a fucking good one.

[1696] Because I'll never say it.

[1697] Just make sure.

[1698] I do that after fights.

[1699] Sometimes I check to see if anybody says I suck cock or...

[1700] Who can say that?

[1701] Honestly, dude.

[1702] It's a bunch of dudes that are haters.

[1703] Or if I make a mistake or I miss something in a replay or something like that.

[1704] You never know.

[1705] There's people find something to be upset about.

[1706] I'm always amazed when you...

[1707] Because I watch the...

[1708] UFC the way like I I love it so much but I'm not I can't just I can't see what they're doing but when you go into like you better watch that right hand I think it was Henderson Bisping was the best example that I ever saw when uh it was my one Dan Henderson knocked out Bispie I think you were saying he's going to walk right into his right and yeah later well it was really a classic mistake that you do with a big puncher you move towards his power punch should never do that because you kind of accentuate the punch if you're running away like especially if you're kind of running circular.

[1709] Most of the time when you're running away, you're not really running straight back.

[1710] You're running like side to side.

[1711] And Bispink continued to run towards Dan Henderson's right side.

[1712] He was running towards his left.

[1713] So in the fact, he's actually accentuating the punch.

[1714] He's running into the power of it.

[1715] So all Henderson has to do is time his move because he keeps going that way.

[1716] It's like he keeps giving it up.

[1717] He's not, Frankie Edgar will go left and then he'll go right and he'll go left.

[1718] Like Clay Guida just fought Gray Maynard.

[1719] A lot of people thought that it was a boring fight because, you know, went five rounds and Guida had a hard time engaging them.

[1720] But the bottom line is his movement is what allowed him to stay safe.

[1721] Right.

[1722] Because that Gray Maynard is a fucking murderous puncher.

[1723] That kid punches really hard.

[1724] So he played a smart footwork strategy, whether or not you like the fight or not.

[1725] For his safety, his movement was excellent, but Bisping wasn't doing that.

[1726] Bisping had made an error and kept moving in the same direction.

[1727] And Dan Hennerson, I knew he was going to time that.

[1728] And when he did, it was like one of the greatest KOs.

[1729] in like the history of the sport.

[1730] And that was one of the best one -punch knockouts ever.

[1731] And the follow -up was fucking.

[1732] Oh, follow -up was ruthless.

[1733] What do you, uh...

[1734] And he's going to fight John Jones, September 1st.

[1735] Who Henderson is?

[1736] Oh, yes.

[1737] Oh, yeah, I asked John's about that when we interviewed him, but he seemed kind of, uh...

[1738] He's like, look, if I can't beat a guy in his 40s in a contact sport, and that was his take on it.

[1739] Is that what he really said?

[1740] Yeah, he said something about that.

[1741] He's like, you know...

[1742] Wow.

[1743] Well, he's so confident.

[1744] I mean, you think about what the guy's done.

[1745] Go through Shogun.

[1746] I mean, go through Machita.

[1747] Choke him on.

[1748] and drop him.

[1749] I mean, the way he, you know, he beat Rampage, went through Rampage, choked Rampage.

[1750] I mean, that's the, what he, Rampage is a tough motherfucker, man. John Jones is putting away some tough guys.

[1751] Rashad Evans is a bad motherfucker.

[1752] But decisions Rishad, you know.

[1753] Rashad got a tough game, I think a bit of a tougher time, though.

[1754] I mean, they went to four five rounds and he couldn't, he couldn't knock him out.

[1755] I mean, uh, but I think he, I think Jones won all five rounds.

[1756] Well, you know what?

[1757] Jones is a bigger guy and, uh, Jones definitely, uh, landed more shots and definitely, uh, uh, forced his game on Rashad, you know.

[1758] Rashad, I think at one point in time when they were training together was probably better than John Jones.

[1759] But when a guy like John Jones comes along, it's like you miss him for a month and then you come back and you see him a month later and you look him at the gym, you look at him at the gym and he's like 15 % better.

[1760] Right.

[1761] You're like, this guy got 15 % better in a month.

[1762] And I'm not exaggerating.

[1763] There's certain dudes that just have like unbelievable ability to absorb moves and then and recreate them, like, in real -time situations.

[1764] Like, you could teach certain guys' jujitsu techniques, and then they could just go out and do them.

[1765] And then you could teach another guy.

[1766] You could teach them the same shit for 100 years and never fucking figure out how to pull it off on a live person.

[1767] Do you think that with Sonnen and Silva, do you think there's a lot of pressure on Silva, but do you think he has an undue amount of pressure on him?

[1768] Well, like John Jones, Silva is an incredible special athlete.

[1769] You know, what makes John Jones so amazing is you look at his who's who of opponents since he started in the UFC, and then you look back and see the guy's only been around for four years in MMA.

[1770] I mean, it's really incredible what he's accomplished.

[1771] You know, John Jones is truly the newest next level of athlete.

[1772] Anderson Silva is a totally different story.

[1773] Anderson Silva is a real veteran.

[1774] He's a guy who at one point in time didn't have a ground game, and he has some losses in the past, and he's shown vulnerability.

[1775] He's lost at some highlight real losses, like the Takahashi Mounted Triangle or when Rio Chonin hit him with a flying heel hook.

[1776] He's flying scissors sweeped him like a fucking movie.

[1777] I mean, he dove on his legs like pro wrestling.

[1778] It was crazy.

[1779] And then caught him in a heel hook, made him tap.

[1780] The whole thing took like three seconds.

[1781] It was incredible.

[1782] You know, so Anderson has tasted both victory and defeat.

[1783] John Jones is a completely different thing.

[1784] John Jones is this new level This next level shit Where he comes up and you take all these veterans of the game And he ragdolls them He ragdolled Shogun I mean he ragdolled Shogun He jumping fucking need him in the face The very first technique he throws and he connects And then he just beat him from pillar to post I mean he was never in trouble Didn't it seem like Machita hit him really hard Like Machita got a really couple of his shots in right And he was fine yeah I mean Machita had the best result That anybody's had against John in the first round.

[1785] It was probably one of the first rounds that John's lost in the UFC.

[1786] You know, Machita won that striking exchange.

[1787] So then John takes him to the ground and smashes him, then chokes him unconscious.

[1788] I mean, what he can do to guys when he manhandles dudes is very unusual.

[1789] Anderson is a different dude.

[1790] Anderson is not unbelievably physically strong.

[1791] What Anderson is, is like a super technician who's like really dedicated to the game and has developed his game in front of our eyes where at one point in time, he's, didn't have the ground game.

[1792] He was just mostly like a really badass kickboxer that would try to take guys heads down, but then like a guy like Carlos Newton got him down and mounted him and really controlled him pretty easy on the ground.

[1793] Takahashi did the same thing.

[1794] In the Newton fight, I don't remember where they gave him a red flag or a yellow card rather where I think they took some money off of Newton because they said he was stalling.

[1795] So they stood him back up.

[1796] I think that's what happened.

[1797] But anyway, the result of for whatever reason they stood back up, Anderson Silva flying need him in the face and stopped him.

[1798] but when he would get stuck on the ground, sometimes he would get tapped.

[1799] But he changed, he changed and evolved and became a guy with a full game.

[1800] And then in the Chale Sunn fight, that was real.

[1801] I mean, he'd already gotten Dan Henderson by submission, you know, where he got Dan's back and then choked him out.

[1802] He tapped Travis Luter with a triangle, too, but it was because he had Travis Luter stuck in between his legs, and he was smashing him with elbows, ruthless, ruthless elbows.

[1803] But he developed a real ground game, like a real Brazilian jiu -jitsu black belt -level ground game.

[1804] He is a black belt.

[1805] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1806] He's a real, I mean, not just a black belt.

[1807] Like, he's very high level.

[1808] He's really good.

[1809] When he caught Chale Sunner with that triangle, that was some smooth technique.

[1810] And it was the fifth round of a fight where he was getting beat.

[1811] He had lost every round, I think, didn't he?

[1812] Absolutely, he did.

[1813] There's no question about it.

[1814] It would be a crime to state that he didn't lose those rounds.

[1815] If anybody gave those rounds to Anderson, they should be arrested.

[1816] And do you think the Chale, I mean, it shows you something.

[1817] It's obviously a heartbreaking loss, but the fact that he kept going after him, instead of just dancing and staying away from, for that last couple of minutes, which he could have done and easily won the fight, but Chale's an animal.

[1818] Well, it's also there, he was exhausted.

[1819] I mean, you've got to realize he fought four and a half rounds going 150 miles an hour, taking a guy down, lifting him up near, slamming him down.

[1820] You know, and Chale was on the podcast and he was talking about how tiring it is, and he was, he's really honest about shit like this.

[1821] One of the things I love about that guy.

[1822] He said that just you're not supposed to, a human body is not supposed to fight five minute, five five minute rounds going full clip you just simply can't do it so you have to figure out how much energy you're going to exert how you know you're going to try to pace yourself you're going to try to slowly drag this fight out but you know if you completely go for it like in the van der Le rich Franklin fight did you see that this weekend it was great fight van der Leigh caught rich Franklin the second round and almost put him away had him really hurt jumped all over him swarmed on him but burned himself out because Franklin survived and then in the third round van der Le was done.

[1823] He was just exhausted.

[1824] And then Franklin took him down, beat him up.

[1825] And then it probably cost Vanderley the fight because he went for the knockout.

[1826] It's like a perfect example.

[1827] It's like you really can't go full clip for five rounds.

[1828] The body just doesn't work that way.

[1829] So you think, it's like a sprint.

[1830] You can't sprint for 25 minutes.

[1831] You know what I mean?

[1832] He's one guy I'm dying to get on Opian Anthony.

[1833] Like I've met him, I've spoken to him briefly.

[1834] He would do it.

[1835] He would have been in New York.

[1836] Oh, well, you know what, man?

[1837] You talk to Dana White, especially if he wins.

[1838] you know I'm sure they're gonna want to put him on some crazy tour and even if he loses he'll do a tour I hope so yeah he'll do a tour he's a bad motherfucker he's he's and he's a publicity machine that guy does everything it was funny I saw an interview you did with him where he goes I'm not about my promotion and you're like what do you do you know I admire your balls for calling him out on it because it's very funny well it's fun to hear him defend himself too because he has the best definitions of things where he just he was talking about the fight like losing the fight he goes I did not lose to Anderson Silva I don't know where you come from, but where I come from, if you hold a man down and beat the shit out of him for five rounds, then he wraps his legs around your head for eight seconds, and he wins.

[1839] Yeah, he does have a great way of...

[1840] It's like, how many fighters would take that approach?

[1841] I mean, everybody else would take this approach of, you know, try to be humble or try to say, you know, well, you know, God puts mysterious plans in front of me, and I'm going to go back to the drawing board and see what I can do.

[1842] Instead, he pretends that he's undefeated, undisputed.

[1843] He brings a fake belt to the press conferences.

[1844] I mean, he just takes things to a completely ridiculous and new and original level.

[1845] His level is very different.

[1846] Like, his type of trash talking, in my opinion, is so much more interesting than a guy like Muhammad Ali.

[1847] Because Muhammad Ali's trash talking was at least he was like being honest about his skills and he was being honest about his past.

[1848] Like he's like denying entire chapters of his past.

[1849] You know, of his record, undefeated, undisputed.

[1850] He says he's the champ.

[1851] I mean, it's funny.

[1852] There's something really entertaining about it.

[1853] But does that get distracting as a fighter?

[1854] Like, when you're fighting, do you get distracted or caught up in that?

[1855] Like, I mean, I'm sure you don't in the training camp, but I wonder if that becomes a distraction at all because, you know, you're so busy building this kind of machine around you, this PR machine.

[1856] It's, you know, I mean, I don't want to raise Rocky 3 as an example.

[1857] Right.

[1858] But, I mean, even though, because he's on the losing end of it, but does that get distracting for a fighter?

[1859] It can.

[1860] It depends on the guy.

[1861] I don't know how Chale handles it.

[1862] But you think about how much trash he talked before the first Anderson's over a fight, and he fought pretty fucking good.

[1863] But then again, there's the talk that Anderson was injured in that fight, that he had a rib issue.

[1864] I don't know how much of it played a factor.

[1865] Anderson in the past has had issues with some guys that were wrestlers like Travis Luter, but that was another fight that he took injured.

[1866] I know for sure he was injured because his manager told me, after that fight that Anderson had had meniscus surgery on both knees just five weeks before that fight.

[1867] It's incredible.

[1868] I mean, the fact that he was able to have a cage fight and defend the world title against a tough guy like Travis Luter five weeks after knee surgery.

[1869] What is meniscus surgery?

[1870] You cut your knee open, man, and they trim out the padded area.

[1871] Some of the padded area in between your knee gets broken up and torn, especially doing jiu -jitsu and wrestling.

[1872] A lot of guys tear their tissue inside their knee, and they go in.

[1873] and they scope it and they clean it up and smooth it out.

[1874] He fought five weeks later.

[1875] Have you had surgeries like that?

[1876] Yeah, I've had that, yeah.

[1877] Five weeks later is incredible.

[1878] That's a fucking man surgery.

[1879] Yeah, five weeks later, it still hurts, you know.

[1880] It's still sore when you get on your knees, you know, and this guy's fighting.

[1881] I had my turbinate shrunk recently, and I felt like a warrior, but they put the fucking needle in my nose so I can breathe a little bit better.

[1882] I felt good about that.

[1883] But you get a fucking man injuries, dude.

[1884] Well, I had the nose thing, too.

[1885] I had the deviated septum operation.

[1886] Yeah, me too.

[1887] What a fucking brilliant thing that is.

[1888] that they could, I'm so happy that doctors figured out a way to fix your fucking nose, you can breathe out of it.

[1889] For people who have that issue and you can't breathe that of your nose, take, if you can set aside some time, plan it out, set aside some time and get that shit fixed.

[1890] My God, that's a freeing feeling.

[1891] The first time I can go, my whole life, my nose was useless.

[1892] I broke my nose when I was like five.

[1893] So my whole life was like, wow, it's terrible, right?

[1894] Oh, it's the worst.

[1895] You're going everywhere and not breathing.

[1896] I wonder how many shitty decisions I made in my life because I wasn't getting enough Oxygen.

[1897] I'm not kidding, man. I'm fucking, that was a mouth breather.

[1898] It's the reason why they call people mouth breathers and they think of them as idiots.

[1899] This mouth breathing fucking idiot.

[1900] It's because when your mouth is open, you look like an idiot.

[1901] You can't look like anything with a fucking dunt when your mouth is open.

[1902] Yeah, you can't be a bad motherfucker at your mouth out.

[1903] Like if your chick's blowing you and that's your face, you're gonna fucking really turn her off.

[1904] I like to put a purposely awful face out when I'm getting blown.

[1905] A bald face.

[1906] Just to further the punishment.

[1907] It was a guy that used to post on my message board.

[1908] I don't know if he was telling the truth or not.

[1909] It was a really interesting sort of a thing because the guy was obviously a very talented writer.

[1910] And he had a website where he would write about his encounters with women.

[1911] And he would set up these women who are low -income women who needed money.

[1912] You mean easy women?

[1913] Slowly but surely he would integrate himself into their lives and start having them obligated to him.

[1914] giving them an apartment.

[1915] Yeah, sugar daddy shit.

[1916] Yeah, but he would do it nice and slow, and then he would start getting him to suck his dick, and that's how they started paying him because they didn't have any money.

[1917] Like, he was going to call the cops.

[1918] But this guy, like, would orchestrate it.

[1919] He would know that they couldn't afford things and set them up and he would even loan them some money at first to get things rolling.

[1920] And then when they couldn't pay them back, he would say, listen, we're going to work this out.

[1921] And he would purposely make his diet disgusting.

[1922] He would eat asparagus and drink black coffee, and he had, like, a bunch of, of different things that he would eat to purposely make his loads disgusting and cigarettes too.

[1923] I think it was cigarettes.

[1924] Do you remember this guy?

[1925] No. I don't know.

[1926] I was just kidding.

[1927] I didn't think you really did this.

[1928] Yeah, people banned them eventually from the master's because he was such a creep.

[1929] But yeah, he, you know, he would have these, even if they weren't true stories, they were brilliantly written.

[1930] It was really interesting.

[1931] The writing.

[1932] I mean, it was like the inside the mind of a total sociopath that is just getting these poor girls and just doing crazy shit to them like coming and side of their asses and you know while they're you know while they're at work and doing just nutty shit I forget what he did but everything was like abuse everything was like swallow his load after he ate all this asparagus everything was like he just wanted them to just feel completely demeaned and then he would move on and go to the next place where we had another girl set up see I don't like that like I'm a pervert like I like to pay for it but I never I want it to be because we're coming to an understanding like I'm too average for you to fuck for free like I don't like it to be predatory shit like I don't demeaned like I never want a girl to feel demeaned after taking like I'll actually go no that's fine what exactly we're talking about like it's a great transaction we just had I never want them to feel degraded I don't degrade chicks I mean I'm a fucking pervert and I like a big meat pussy and I'm that's all I want I never want them to feel bad about it it it's a funny thing man because really if they had if they had sex with you for free there's nothing wrong with it yeah you know if they decide to give you a blow job for free people do it all day all over the world sure but if some or another you give them some money then And then it becomes a terrible thing that they're immoral.

[1933] And they've made a decision to get sex for money.

[1934] Well, people have always done that, man. But women have done that throughout history, you know?

[1935] There's a lot of ugly dudes and some pretty women.

[1936] Fuck, yeah, man. There's nothing wrong with that.

[1937] No, not.

[1938] Thank God for that.

[1939] Yeah, thank God.

[1940] I think I'd pick up chicks on my fucking merit?

[1941] I'd never fucked a hot chick on my merit.

[1942] So, I mean, should we be able to go after sugar daddies?

[1943] Should we show women who marry sugar daddies?

[1944] When you see a 20 -year -old chick marrying a 55 -year -year -old dude, You know, like, should we go after them?

[1945] Is that a prostitute?

[1946] How could you possibly be attracted to him?

[1947] You just want his money.

[1948] What did he buy you?

[1949] Oh, he bought you this, prostitute!

[1950] Right.

[1951] You know, if a guy gives a girl a watch to fuck her, is that prostitution?

[1952] Well, doesn't it get slippery?

[1953] Yeah, it gets very, very slippery.

[1954] What am I going to get?

[1955] If I let you fuck me in the ass, what do you want, baby?

[1956] Yeah, how many dinners will take?

[1957] What I got to buy?

[1958] There's a watch that I really love.

[1959] Show me it.

[1960] Show me it right now.

[1961] I'm like, all right, we got it.

[1962] That is the same as a cash transaction.

[1963] It is.

[1964] It's prostitution.

[1965] Men do that with their wives all the time.

[1966] But a watch costs more.

[1967] Like at least for me, 300, I'm out.

[1968] You fucking got to buy somebody a watch.

[1969] What is the standard going rate for, like, is that for getting jerked off?

[1970] Is that for getting jerked off?

[1971] 300 bucks?

[1972] What does it get you?

[1973] Between three and four.

[1974] It depends if the girls are massage therapist and not an escort.

[1975] Sometimes you can get jerked off for 350.

[1976] I spend more than I should, but I figure, you know what?

[1977] I'm not going to knock a chick up doing that.

[1978] I'm not going to, nothing, there's going to be no horrible repercussions.

[1979] from doing that because the amount of money you pay if you fucking get somebody pregnant is 18 years, 20 years of tuition and all fuck that man Do you feel weird about letting them come to your house?

[1980] No. No?

[1981] No, I love them at my house.

[1982] It's my space.

[1983] I know that there's nobody going to film me. I know that nobody's going to take rob me. I know I'm in a secure building.

[1984] There's security in my building this fucking concierge.

[1985] I mean, it's a very secure place.

[1986] Did you get a place and think about the fact that you're going to bring escorts back to it, so you need certain things set up.

[1987] Dude, everything I've ever done is somehow revolves around how many get horrors in my house.

[1988] It has an underground garage.

[1989] I'm like, good, because I fucking training with the blonde hair.

[1990] I can't have her coming through the fucking lobby.

[1991] You always got to think of that shit, sure.

[1992] That's hilarious.

[1993] Yeah, man. But I did, the building I actually just love, but I did think that's great that there's security there.

[1994] Because while I like the idea of people not knowing my comings and goings, I like being safe more.

[1995] And you're not going to have anybody act up in a building with security unless you get out of line.

[1996] But normally they're not going to act up because they just want to Get the money and fucking go.

[1997] Right.

[1998] I had a couple.

[1999] I had a scary experience one time.

[2000] I went to a house to get, like, jerked off years ago.

[2001] It was right off 2nd Avenue.

[2002] And I walked in, and it was, like, really dark, and she was shady, and she was holding a screwdriver.

[2003] And I went to piss, and there was, like, a really weird water in the tub, and there was, like, Burger King rappers in it, and there was fruit flies.

[2004] And I sat down, and it was dark in the rest of the room.

[2005] It was a messy house, like a railroad apartment in New York.

[2006] and I felt that something very evil was in the room and I very rarely if ever get that feeling but I knew there was somebody else in the room with us and they were just in the back like looking through a door I could sense that there was a person there and she was holding this screwdriver the whole time and I just started to get very scared like we had these instincts and I listened to my instincts and I'm like look I'm sick I can't do this but I paid her the money and I just left and I knew I had dodged a bullet because her hands were dirty.

[2007] There was something, that was one of the scariest moments in my life because I couldn't see who was, the apartment was, again, it was a little bit lit when I walked in.

[2008] But I gave her the money, she went to the door and opened it.

[2009] She might have just faked handing it to somebody, but my sense that somebody was in that room with us was very, very strong.

[2010] So that was a case.

[2011] That's why I don't go to places.

[2012] Well, I think that a lot of them would have somebody in the room with them just for protection.

[2013] Or next door.

[2014] Yeah, a lot of them do, a lot of them do that.

[2015] I would think that that would be a smart thing to do, no?

[2016] Yeah, well, they have them within shouting distance, but there was somebody extra to have them in the room.

[2017] Oh, yeah.

[2018] Yeah, could you just threaten me with a screwdriver, mister?

[2019] 50 extra if it's a Phillips said.

[2020] She had dirty hands, you said.

[2021] Yeah, she was just dirty.

[2022] There was something fucking shady going on, and I knew it, and I felt it.

[2023] I had done that enough times to know when something was off.

[2024] Something was really off, and that's why people get killed because they don't listen to that instinct.

[2025] Wow.

[2026] And I listen to it, and I'm not saying I was going to get killed, but something bad was going to happen.

[2027] absolutely know it.

[2028] And how long did it take before you wanted to get late again after that?

[2029] I probably acted out the next day.

[2030] My dick didn't, my dick didn't know what happened.

[2031] My dick was just like, hey, hey, hey.

[2032] Get over it.

[2033] Stupid.

[2034] Exactly.

[2035] Man up, pussy.

[2036] Jesus Christ.

[2037] That was scary.

[2038] Yeah.

[2039] How did you get out of there?

[2040] I think I said like I have cancer and I'm not feeling well and I have to go.

[2041] Oh, yeah.

[2042] That's a good move.

[2043] I said some really like I have cancer.

[2044] I'm not feeling for it.

[2045] It was some really weird thing.

[2046] I didn't want to spook her.

[2047] I remember she had a blonde hair.

[2048] It was a wig.

[2049] There was something so wrong.

[2050] There was something so wrong with what was happening in that house.

[2051] And it was just such a gut instinct.

[2052] It wasn't just, there was something fucking terrible.

[2053] I had a friend who, after he broke up with a girl, they stayed in touch and they agreed to a form of prostitution.

[2054] Because she was like, you know, she always had, like, shitty jobs.

[2055] and she always needed money and she said you know she couldn't have a relationship with him anymore she was past it but she would come over and let him fuck her or she would suck his dick and he would give her money that's crazy it became a weird sort of a prostitution thing it's like it really freaked him out when he was telling the story it started off as like she needed to borrow money and she asked me and I said yes come on over and then somehow another he gave her the money and then they fucked like she like you know thanked him by blowing him or something like that and you know and she said you know something like you know we can do this anytime you know anytime you want to do that you know is uh i always need money like joking around and i think he is grabbed and said listen listen we don't have to there's nothing wrong with this i'll make you deal you know i'll pay you x amount of money and you come and so like he turned her into his prostitute how great is that is she looking for new clients right i would love to have someone so well she's not really a prostitute though She's only doing it with her ex -boyfriend.

[2056] So she says.

[2057] Believe me, she will fucking branch out.

[2058] Franchise that shit.

[2059] By the way, this was over a decade ago.

[2060] Oh, no. She maybe changed her ways, but it was a great story when he was doing it.

[2061] Like, while it was going down, I was like, wow, that is nuts.

[2062] So I couldn't do it with my ex -girlfriend because I loved her too much, but I could do it with girls I've dated in my life.

[2063] Like any ex -girlfriend who I was with for a year and a half, I could never do that because I would just feel too sad for them.

[2064] Why?

[2065] What if it's a real nice exchange?

[2066] Like, you don't feel sad for the regular prostitute that doesn't even know you.

[2067] You don't want her to feel bad.

[2068] Just seeing her and fucking her again, that would bring back, you know, weird shit.

[2069] Yeah, I just couldn't do it.

[2070] I would feel too bad.

[2071] Yeah, that's true.

[2072] However, get a couple drinks in you, you'd be fine.

[2073] No, but a girl who I've just met once, like, there's one girl who I met through a friend once, who I wound up fucking, I wanted her for years, and I finally got to fucking eat her ass for money.

[2074] And that was fucking awesome.

[2075] That was awesome.

[2076] Do you wash it off?

[2077] How do you handle the eating ass?

[2078] How do you...

[2079] Wash it off?

[2080] What the fuck is you washing it off?

[2081] What do you scrape cheese off your pizza?

[2082] You fucking eat it.

[2083] Oh my goodness.

[2084] Of course not.

[2085] No. You just dive right in.

[2086] Again, it's rare that it's gonna be filthy.

[2087] But if it's a little...

[2088] I've had a couple of fucking damaged ones.

[2089] But normally they're, I'm telling you, normally they're good.

[2090] What are you doing the damage?

[2091] Just fucking pack away?

[2092] Yeah, maybe I'll...

[2093] Clean up the problem.

[2094] I'll kiss the cheeks a little bit.

[2095] Turn up.

[2096] Yeah, sometimes you have to.

[2097] You don't eat the ass if it's dirty?

[2098] No, not if it's filthy.

[2099] Not if it smells moist.

[2100] Like, I've had a few of those.

[2101] You can't do that.

[2102] I've had a few of those.

[2103] Usually they grab you, though, and they can get really sick, Have you ever gotten sick for eating ass?

[2104] No, but once, years ago, I worked at Caldor, and I was, like, in 1987, and there was a girl who worked in the fucking, like, housewares department, and she came over, and we were doing inventory, and she let me eat her pussy.

[2105] And I wanted to fuck her for a long time, but she had bad breath.

[2106] Her breath smelled like corn.

[2107] It was like she had eaten in a month, and there was just a kernel of corn rotting in her stomach.

[2108] Like, pulled she had panty hose on which is a bad sign when you're doing inventory and our pussy fucking reek and I went down and it was so foul uh but I think I reched but I did go through with it I did be their pussy I am nothing if not a fucking professional that is the that is the worst there's two two terrible smells that are under three the dead body smell human dead body is just unbelievably bad that's mother nature telling you get the fuck away from that thing and then there's a smell of bad pussy and shit which are really close.

[2109] Like a yeast infection, like a horrible smelling yeast infection.

[2110] There's almost something more disgusting about that smell than a shit smell.

[2111] Oh yeah, Visser, when you're fucking and you see that milk, when you see that awful cream coating and you just, it just begins to really reek and it's sour.

[2112] Yeah, that's a terrible, terrible smell.

[2113] Oh, man. That's an awful smell.

[2114] It stinks.

[2115] How do you not know that's coming out of you?

[2116] Well, the thing about smells is that, especially gross smells like all -factory senses detect change I don't think they detect steady smells that's why people live in places where there's bad factories and shit or you know my parents lived near cow places yeah cow poop where they they raised like a fucking shitload of cattle on this one road and every time you drive by this road all you it smells cow shit you think these girls are just doing it all their whole life they've just had dirty pussy Well, I know one girl that I knew when I was young Who had a real problem And she was I think her parents just kind of raised her Like in a box Like they didn't talk to her about anything sexual And she didn't know what the fuck was going on And her box was a mess I mean for like years This girl had on and off yeast infections You know that she was molested And kept it dirty on purpose Like a lot of times A lot of chicks get really fat too A lot of chicks don't want that pussy to be good Because they don't want you to be attracted to them Right So a lot of girls...

[2117] That's what I do.

[2118] I have.

[2119] Keep your ass dirty just in case it.

[2120] I have heard that with women, that there's women that overeat because of that.

[2121] They're trying to make themselves look on a track.

[2122] It works, too, because I won't fuck you.

[2123] Believe me, I won't fuck a fatty ever.

[2124] But somebody with a bad pussy, it depends if it's like, it's a yeast infection bad, no. But sweaty can be really, again, right from the gym?

[2125] Who cares?

[2126] Dude, I don't fucking write from the fucking treadmill.

[2127] How many miles do you run?

[2128] Yeah, a little piss smile to it.

[2129] Oh, dude, that rules.

[2130] But shit.

[2131] That's where you draw the line.

[2132] And not a little, a little bit, dude, a little bit.

[2133] A little bit, not a lot, but a little bit.

[2134] It's an animal thing, man. I can't believe you like the underarms to stink.

[2135] That's a strange thing.

[2136] But it's raw.

[2137] Like, I remember, like, even when I smoked, my nose has always been a very, like, when I was a kid, I used to lay on my back.

[2138] And my friend and his sister, I was in, like, first grade.

[2139] She was in second grade, and he was in my grade.

[2140] She was a year older than us.

[2141] And I would get them to sit on my face in their pants because they both would piss their pants a lot.

[2142] I guess they had a mortifying home life.

[2143] Apparently, somebody yelled a lot in the house, but they would always have tinkle in their crotch.

[2144] And so I would lay on my back and have them fucking put their crotch over my face.

[2145] And I would smell it.

[2146] I just love the smell.

[2147] I was like, I swear to God.

[2148] I remember that.

[2149] I would lay behind the shrubs and have them fucking sit on my face.

[2150] I used to do something as a kid.

[2151] I don't know if I told you this before, but I know you love pee, but I had this girl that always wanted me to fuck her.

[2152] the shower and then pee inside of her because it felt like I was coming in her right and have you ever done that have not in the show I don't like shower sex because I have to I'm so high maintenance I have to be fucking a certain way and tease my nipples and it's hard for me to pee in a chick I've pissed on girls but it's hard for me to pee in a in a girl because uh it's just such a different sensation for me but I would love to be able to admire the irritates the tip I wonder how many women were listening to this podcast right up at the point where you got to tease my nipples I'm like that's it I've lost a lot on that one I'm done They're like, I can't listen to this guy.

[2153] Dude, but you know what?

[2154] I'll tell you, like, what I do and what I say, and I talk about it, as they say, it weeds out all non -hackers who don't pack the gear to serve in my beloved core.

[2155] Anybody who's not going to fucking show up to play, I probably weed out 90 % of the women that would go out with me. Right.

[2156] But the 10 % that show up are fucking troopers.

[2157] Right.

[2158] And those are the ones.

[2159] And you're famous now.

[2160] No, I'm doing okay.

[2161] I mean, I'm doing well.

[2162] I'm not famous yet.

[2163] Oh, you're famous.

[2164] Listen, you're being a silly.

[2165] I really don't feel famous at all.

[2166] You're famous.

[2167] You're famous.

[2168] You're on the Opie and Anthony show.

[2169] Do you know the opening and Anthony show is one of the greatest radio shows in the history of the world?

[2170] And you're a reason.

[2171] You're a big part of that.

[2172] You've made me fucking howl more times driving around in my car than any human alive.

[2173] That is a fact.

[2174] Oh, thanks, man. Dude, there's a hundred times.

[2175] I mean, I can't tell you how many times I called you or texted you had particular lines that killed me. Thank you.

[2176] You're famous.

[2177] You know, it's a weird thing.

[2178] It's a thing that people don't like to say because you sound like a douchebag, you know, when you say, yeah, well, I know I'm famous.

[2179] You know, it sounds gross.

[2180] It feels gross to even think about it.

[2181] But, you know, but my point is you are and you're famous for being a pervert.

[2182] So it's like, it's all out on the table.

[2183] So it's not like you might have cut out the amount of women that would date you by, you know, 90%.

[2184] But those 10%, you have 7 ,000 % more of them, you know?

[2185] Right, right, right.

[2186] The numbers are staggeringly in your favor Because if you were like a regular dude That never got famous And kept all this shit hidden It would be really hard to find exactly what you're looking for And the ones that you lose that are really pretty Or really cool And there's been some that I'm like fuck man I blew it But it's like she would have been We would have had an awful sexual relationship anyway Because I know what I like And you don't have to be filthy But you gotta be kind of open And willing to at least like I like I like talking about a lot of stuff That I don't like it's just sex You're not hurting anybody You like to talk about a chick fucking other guys?

[2187] Like, I love what I'm talking to the chick.

[2188] And she tells me she'd rather be fucking another guy.

[2189] No, I tell them to pretend they don't even know what a dick looks like.

[2190] Oh, really?

[2191] Oh, my God, it's so pretty.

[2192] I don't think I would know how to suck one.

[2193] I mean, should I try?

[2194] Would you want me to try?

[2195] Yeah, go ahead, try.

[2196] I make them play dead.

[2197] I pretend that they've been in a hermetically sealed body a pouch for 30 years.

[2198] No, I like to make a girl watch something with a guy that she'd rather fuck and tell me how she'd rather be fucking him.

[2199] Yeah, I need a little dose of humiliation to straighten me out, man. It turns me on.

[2200] You're so honest about it, though.

[2201] It's so much fun.

[2202] You must get the craziest girls that come up to you now.

[2203] You get a good amount.

[2204] Like, I really, I hate to even, I didn't talk about it on this last tour I did because I've talked about it so much, but I like big pussy.

[2205] I've always talked about that.

[2206] I think it's sexy.

[2207] I like thick lips.

[2208] Sick lips and a fucking, a big clit.

[2209] Like, it drives me, it's a visceral fucking thing.

[2210] It makes me crazy.

[2211] I remember there was a porn star from the 80s or the 80s and 90s.

[2212] Vanessa Del Rio?

[2213] No, no, no, no, no. Caitlin Ashley, I think her same name was.

[2214] Anyway, I forget her last name, but she had the biggest pussy lips.

[2215] They were ridiculous.

[2216] They were like hands.

[2217] Like hanging out, and they would grab a hold of dude's dicks and be like, look at the size of her fucking pussy lips.

[2218] And then I had heard from some something, some online, maybe it was a starring show, that some women get their labias.

[2219] yeah labia reduction i think those doctors should be targeted like fucking abortion doctors i hate those guys like those poor women those poor women that think that there's anything wrong with that like that it feels good all that all that is just more pussy it's like more lips they don't get it wrong with it and i and i and i say that it's really but women do appreciate that like the fact that i take that stand and i'm really dirty about it but it's like they really do appreciate the fact that part of the body i love it yeah and it's like you got big ariolas i'm your man I like a fucking giant ariola Nothing wrong with that The whole boob is just ariola And I like big tits too But you know what If you got A cups or B cups She fucking tits are fine with me Big long nipples Embarrassing nipples Like we're like oh I don't know Like I like a fucking A pussy that had to be put in the locker Like some women would change with their crotch in the locker Because they're embarrassed The size of a pussy Fucking bad I like man I worked with this chick once And she was Very funny Very open And she was talking about her ex -boyfriend that her ex -boyfriend had, before he had met her, had hooked up with this woman, they were making out, they were getting all hot and heavy, and then when he pulled her pants down, her clit was like really long, like absurdly long, like a small thumb.

[2220] It was just like, and he panicked, and she responded, like, she knew that, you know, other guys had probably already panicked before.

[2221] And he made up some story about needing to go to the airport and forgetting to pick up his brother, and he ran out of her house.

[2222] he saw her her her dick pussy and just ran out of the house I told you on an earlier podcast where I was so drunk once that I was eating a girl out and I wouldn't I would like suck her lips it would go out so far that I kind of thought maybe it was a like a bad penis or something like it like it like it was like it was a undiform penis or something and so I had to like turn on the light a little and look at it because it was so I mean it was that big it was like how long Coke Zero came out like fucking it came in my mouth I mean, I would have swore I would fucking love that I would never be mad I had a woman walk up to me once and go like I have what you like She was so happy and her pussy Man What would you like?

[2223] Just it was a fucking A giant pack It was like an octopus Yeah dude it was like You're indefinable Like you wouldn't know what it was If somebody just showed you a picture of it Without a woman attached What the fuck is that?

[2224] You'd have no idea You'd think it was just a bunch of things He's thrown somewhere.

[2225] How bad?

[2226] Was it the worst one you've ever seen?

[2227] It's wonderful.

[2228] The best one you've ever seen?

[2229] The best one I've ever seen in one of them.

[2230] One was a dominatrix that I only saw a couple times many years ago.

[2231] And one was a massage therapist who was massaging me, probably 2002.

[2232] And I was on my back and she had shorts and I convinced her to go over my face.

[2233] Just so I could look at her ass.

[2234] I didn't know her pussy.

[2235] And her legs parted and I saw her pussy.

[2236] It was literally a fucking belly button to spine.

[2237] It was the holy grail.

[2238] I lost my breath.

[2239] I lost my breath.

[2240] You probably were choking on it.

[2241] Dude, I fuck, no, she wouldn't let me do anything.

[2242] Eventually she let me lick it and smell it.

[2243] It was like it would always smell.

[2244] Dude, it was fucking awesome.

[2245] And we would always fight money when she would come over, but she got too greedy.

[2246] It's like if she had just, thank God, she didn't know.

[2247] She could have owned the whole franchise.

[2248] I would have signed that, well, this before I owned my place, but I would have given her my rent money.

[2249] Like literally she could have owned me if she knew.

[2250] But she would always get mad, more money and the greed would turn me off because it was unreasonable.

[2251] I felt it was unreasonable.

[2252] But her fucking pussy, man, dude, she could have owned me with it.

[2253] So the closest you got to, she let you lick it.

[2254] Oh, no, I fucked her a couple I saw her for a couple years.

[2255] But it was, I think, around the time that we were doing tough crowd.

[2256] So you worked it slowly into fucking her.

[2257] Yeah, yeah.

[2258] Oh, she saw you on Tough Crowd wanted more money?

[2259] Well, yeah, yeah, pretty much.

[2260] You know, no, no, she had gone with a friend to Tough Crowd or something, or she, I forget she saw it.

[2261] I forget how we got it.

[2262] She wanted to email me randomly.

[2263] I just don't remember, or I found her online.

[2264] It's been like fucking 10 years.

[2265] But, God, her pussy, I can remember it like it was yesterday.

[2266] It was wonderful.

[2267] Jim Norton, you're an awesome human being.

[2268] Thank you.

[2269] Thank you for being you.

[2270] I love you, man. I love you too, man. Can I just plug my special?

[2271] Absolutely.

[2272] It's on this Saturday, June 30th, Epics, and Epics HD .com.

[2273] It's called, please be offended.

[2274] And I'm very happy with it, so I hope people dig it.

[2275] And when did you record this?

[2276] End of April in Cleveland.

[2277] So there's a lot of Sandusky stuff in it, which actually still feels timely.

[2278] Thank God that's still fucking timely.

[2279] Yeah, it's perfect.

[2280] It's perfect.

[2281] It's going on right now.

[2282] Yeah, it is a, it's just, he's not even sentenced yet, so it's still, you know, we'll still feel fresh.

[2283] Yeah, isn't that funny?

[2284] I did mine in late April, too, and it's just a mad scramble now to make up the next hour.

[2285] It's exciting, though, isn't it?

[2286] I love it, dude.

[2287] I love it because I can go on, like I said at the cellar, and I'm talking about the Travolta stuff and all.

[2288] And again, then you find this stuff that's topical where you have to weed it out because it feels too time sensitive.

[2289] Like, if I talked about, I talked about Tiger in my special a little bit, but the two points I hit on were so, general that you didn't have to remember the case but you know the fucking 12 minutes before had to be cut so now i'm in that process with the travolta shit like it's already out of the news so i got to take the couple of moments that will feel good in six months and just make them part of the act but you're right it's fucking great i love it i can't wait to hear the turvulture stuff yeah it's pretty good i'm happy with it i mean uh i loved your charlie sheen shit the last time i saw you in austin oh i forgot thank you man i totally took that out because he just wasn't fresh anymore yeah i got got beaten down right is this is this your trailer right here i'm an African -American woman.

[2290] Oh, no, that one might have been the...

[2291] We showed one of those on Leno.

[2292] What number was that?

[2293] This is one you just posted today, I believe.

[2294] Oh, no. Show number...

[2295] I'll show you the one they showed on Leno.

[2296] Show number five.

[2297] PSA number five.

[2298] Are they fake PSAs?

[2299] Yeah, but they showed this one on the Tonight Show.

[2300] They just got a big...

[2301] They left the language in and everything.

[2302] Because none of the clips I wanted to show.

[2303] I'm too embarrassed to watch myself.

[2304] But PSA, the fifth one.

[2305] It's very awkward.

[2306] I'm a proud Christian.

[2307] And I was offended by Jim Norton.

[2308] I'm gay and I was offended by Jim Norton.

[2309] I'm black and I was deeply offended by Jim Norton.

[2310] That lily white motherfucker.

[2311] Approximately one out of every ten Americans is offended by Jim Norton.

[2312] I'm a Latina and I was offended by Jim Norton.

[2313] Except for the shit he said about black people, yo.

[2314] They all got big dicks.

[2315] The other man have no idea who the fuck he is.

[2316] They showed it uncutton.

[2317] We are citizens against Jim Norton.

[2318] And we strong.

[2319] I strongly urge you to boycott Jim Norton's brand new comedy special.

[2320] Please be offended.

[2321] Only on epics.

[2322] Oh, that's beautiful.

[2323] And I approve this message, Fat Neck.

[2324] I'll say, fuck.

[2325] It's right.

[2326] They cut the end.

[2327] Fuck you.

[2328] What's worse than your manager yelling something out in the back that bombs when they show it?

[2329] But yeah, they showed, they showed unedited.

[2330] So we'll see what actually gets to.

[2331] So on epics, how do they show it on epics?

[2332] Is it censored at all?

[2333] Well, they, on the network, no, the language.

[2334] for my specials these they edit on the networks they can show them in regular time online they're unedited and you know my special is totally unedited they were amazing and you're both so hilarious you're allowed you can swear as much as you're on everything beautiful the opening there's a there's a there's the opening was really fucking cool um we got Ozzy to do part of the opening really yeah and uh did you fucking see the opening the people don't know Norton no no they know monstrous Ozzie fan yeah so we got the fucking uh you can show it's only like 30 seconds if you want to end on that.

[2335] That's cool.

[2336] Yeah, please.

[2337] But don't show the whole opening.

[2338] I don't think that's online yet, but just the Ozzy.

[2339] Ozzie tweeted it for me. Really?

[2340] Him and Sharon both Twittered it.

[2341] Wow.

[2342] Dude, what is it like to grow up loving Ozzy and then being in a position where you get to meet the guy?

[2343] My fucking ex -d girlfriend said, your life is fucking great.

[2344] You should never be angry.

[2345] Like, I've met my, after I did the shoot with Ozzy, it was in his house.

[2346] And it only took 20 minutes.

[2347] And afterwards, he goes, he comes back and he goes, all right, man, God bless you.

[2348] And he walks away.

[2349] Then he comes back and he goes, hey, Jim, I want to play something for you and he walks me down into his fucking studio it's me and him alone his assistant was in the back and he plays me new Sabbath songs I'm sitting with fucking I almost couldn't handle it I almost said like can I go home like this is more than I can handle it's probably the single greatest moment I've ever had and he was looking over to see how I reacted to see if I was enjoying his music.

[2350] Holy shit I sat with Ozzy in his house and listened to their Sabbath that's insane it was fucking amazing it's so crazy just go to just go to Ozzy Osbourne's Twitter.

[2351] It's crazy to idolize someone when you're young and just to even get to meet them.

[2352] To meet them, but then to talk to them and to have them listen to you.

[2353] But to that far, to have Ozzy performing new songs for you?

[2354] Yeah, just, well, we sat there listening to him rather.

[2355] Playing new songs.

[2356] And to know that my opinion mattered to him.

[2357] I mean, like, he really wanted to know what I thought of them.

[2358] And it was just awesome.

[2359] New Year's a few years back.

[2360] And last year was it, Brian where Gene Simmons came, his family.

[2361] Yeah.

[2362] His son, His son liked one of my CDs and became a fan and brought his whole family to New Year's at the improv.

[2363] And when I got there, they're like, Gene Simmons and his family is here to see you.

[2364] And I was like, what?

[2365] Like, when I was a little kid, not only was I a huge Kiss fan, but I was a huge Gene Simmons fan.

[2366] Like, he was my favorite.

[2367] When he had the Kiss solo album and the Gene Simmons solo album, that was the one I bought when I had money.

[2368] You know, the first whatever dollars I could scrounge up.

[2369] I got that one first.

[2370] Then I got the Ace Fieldy.

[2371] Wasn't it Christine 16?

[2372] Wasn't that on there?

[2373] No, that was off of Love Gun.

[2374] Christine 16 was Love Gun.

[2375] The one you're talking about, the solo had started off with Radioactive.

[2376] Yes.

[2377] I was a kiss freak, too.

[2378] Here's the video.

[2379] Back in the New York groove, Ace Freely.

[2380] A phenomenal.

[2381] Fuck yeah.

[2382] Look, I really, really need you to do this.

[2383] I don't want to do it.

[2384] Now, when you fuck up?

[2385] Look, I'm your biggest fan.

[2386] I never asked you for anything.

[2387] It'll take two.

[2388] Seconds.

[2389] I'm a little fucking busy right now.

[2390] We're not in any rush.

[2391] We'll wait.

[2392] If I do this one thing, will you make me a big promise?

[2393] Sure.

[2394] But you will never, ever bother me. I get me fucking autographs, photographs, signing your ass, any fucking thing.

[2395] Yes, I promise.

[2396] I swear.

[2397] Okay.

[2398] Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage, Mr. Jim fucking Norden!

[2399] Wow.

[2400] Holy shit.

[2401] That gives me chills.

[2402] Is that great, dude?

[2403] Just looking at the fact that that happened for you, that gives me chills.

[2404] And I got to walk out.

[2405] But that was the reason you hear laughter is because that was shown on a big screen in front of the audience.

[2406] And I came out to fucking hole in the sky by Sabbath.

[2407] But him on his toilet introducing me. I sent Sharon the fucking email.

[2408] And she's like, yeah, sure, when he's back from him, we'll do it.

[2409] Holy shit, that's awesome.

[2410] That's a life moment.

[2411] It really is.

[2412] It's one of the greatest moments of my life.

[2413] Fuck.

[2414] congratulations thank you it's amazing thank you very much for being here thanks you're awesome man anytime you're in L .A please come by I love it anytime and your book is also hilarious oh thanks dude thank you chapter with Patrice getting hookers in Brazil oh yeah it's all true endings yeah happy ending Steve Martin actually called me out on bashing him and fucking are you serious yeah I was doing a tonight show a bit about for the Emmys and Steve Martin and his band came up and I'm like I said to my producer I don't know if he'll talk to me but he didn't recognize my face but when he saw my name on the CD goes you said some very unkind things about me in your book and I actually felt really bad what did he say what did you say about I just trashed him for doing the Pink Panther but the book was about targeting fucking Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and Keith Oberman who I thought turned on I miss for language it was about that shit so I had misguided anger towards Steve Martin I should have made fun of him and it shouldn't have been as mean and I actually did feel bad about it it's hard it's hard when you got to face them I'm sorry I felt like such a dude I had a Jenny McCarthy joke and I met her and she's so nice I stopped doing it.

[2415] Yeah, it's easy to trash people to you meet them and they're nice to be like, ah, motherfucker.

[2416] I felt like such a douchebag.

[2417] I'm like, why am I making fun of her?

[2418] Yeah.

[2419] Anyway, that's the end of the show.

[2420] Follow Jim online on Twitter, Jim Norton.

[2421] And what is your Facebook?

[2422] Just Jim Norton.

[2423] Just go to Twitter because I don't do Facebook much.

[2424] I do more Twitter.

[2425] Jim Norton .com.

[2426] Jim Norton .com is being put up now.

[2427] We finally got it from Cyber Squaders.

[2428] Powerful.

[2429] And this weekend.

[2430] This weekend.

[2431] Yes.

[2432] And EpicsH