‘The Decision of My Life’

[0] From the New York Times, I'm Michael Bobaro.

[1] This is a daily.

[2] After the fall of Afghanistan, my colleague Lindsay Garrison started making phone calls.

[3] The calls were all to women in Afghanistan.

[4] Me and my colleagues talked to dozens of them in different cities and towns across the country.

[5] We wanted to know how their lives had changed, what they were experiencing, now that the Taliban had taken over the country.

[6] And it was while we were making these calls, that I got a text from an unknown number, someone who wanted to talk with me. She got my number from an aid worker I had spoken with.

[7] I had no idea of her situation, but we set up a time to talk.

[8] Hello?

[9] Hello?

[10] Hi.

[11] How are you?

[12] I'm fine.

[13] Are you fine?

[14] I am good.

[15] Thank you someone.

[16] much for asking.

[17] Thank you so much for your time.

[18] So I'm going to call you N. That's okay?

[19] Okay, but my English is a vegan.

[20] I have a little bit problem in English.

[21] That's no problem at all.

[22] I can speak.

[23] And it started out like most calls.

[24] Can you just tell me a little bit about yourself as much as you're comfortable with?

[25] How old you are?

[26] Do you have any children?

[27] Just a little bit about yourself.

[28] Okay.

[29] I don't have any children because I'm single and I'll be...

[30] She's 18, lives in Kabul, and she studied Islamic studies in university.

[31] At least she did until the Taliban took over.

[32] And it was my third semester, but I can't learn more because of Taliban and they just looked at our university.

[33] And, um, wait a minute, can I...

[34] Sure, sure.

[35] I'm really sorry.

[36] Oh, don't be.

[37] No, it's okay.

[38] Do you need to take care of something?

[39] No, I was talking in English and my mom's come.

[40] I don't want to, they know about that.

[41] So, for this reason.

[42] Ah, okay.

[43] I told her that I'm talking with my friend.

[44] So...

[45] Okay.

[46] So where, where are?

[47] Are you right now?

[48] I'm at home.

[49] Ah, okay.

[50] So your parents don't know that you're talking to me, obviously.

[51] Yes.

[52] Okay.

[53] Okay.

[54] I'm just, you know, they want to give me to Talib because they think if I got married with the Talib, there will be a connection with Talib, then the Taliban will not.

[55] you know the killer you know they will not be a danger for us and you know every time I'm talking to my father that please don't do this we can fight against them like a family but he's telling me that no we can't fight they are stronger than us and they will kill my sons and you know all of them are behaving bad very bad to me because they're telling me that you know you're not our sister or our daughter because you are not helping us if you were like a member of our family then you will accept that you will accept to marry with talib but i can't you know if i got married with a person who is very who's against of me or who can't accept me like a human then how should I spend all my life with him I see I see now every day they're beating me at the first my father beat me and then my brother then another one then they start all of them they start beating me they beat me pipe so for this reason I'm I'm searching for a way to get out of this home because they're they're not behaving good with me but if I love this home I can't come back because if I come back then they will kill me your family will kill you yes Is that everything okay?

[56] Yeah, can I just...

[57] No, can I cat?

[58] Mm -hmm.

[59] Today.

[60] The story of one teenage girl in Afghanistan.

[61] It's Wednesday.

[62] October 13th.

[63] When N hung up the phone with me, I didn't know if someone in her family had overheard our conversation.

[64] and if they didn't overhear a conversation, if she would then get punished for it.

[65] I also had just so many other questions for her, but around two hours later, she messaged me, saying it was safe to talk again.

[66] Hey, N. Hello.

[67] Hi.

[68] Hi.

[69] Are you okay?

[70] Yes.

[71] I'm talking, you know, not loudly.

[72] because they're asleep and for this reason I'm talking I'm not talking loudly I mean I was talking with you the my brother came to a room I think he was listening to me so I'm very trying to you know but it's a secret because I know it's a big risk do you think you think I'm just wondering if this feels like a good idea or if maybe I don't want to get you in any trouble if they hear you.

[73] You know, my elder brother, he's not at home tonight.

[74] So for this reason, I'm just talking with you.

[75] And a small brother and father, they're slept on another floor and there we have like a basement so I'm in there and there and there is a window that I can see if someone come I can see them from you know feet and I'm watching I'm watching like I'm thinking care about it yes okay well just tell me so with N Kee a look out through a window in her basement.

[76] I asked her to take me back to the beginning.

[77] I guess I wanted to ask you what you remember of your childhood, just what it was like for you to be a little girl growing up.

[78] Are you talking about positive memories or a negative one?

[79] Oh, I mean, I think whatever comes into your mind first.

[80] about my dad.

[81] Yeah, and your childhood with him.

[82] You know, every girl's...

[83] A girl almost loved their father.

[84] When I was thinking about my father, I was thinking that he's a hero.

[85] And I was proud.

[86] I was feeling proud.

[87] And told me that her father was a high -ranking officer in the Afghan police force in the 90s.

[88] And as the Taliban gained power, power, and says her father's police unit became a target.

[89] So growing up, she often overheard the stories of his service, these kinds of war stories.

[90] The one she heard a lot was about a time well before she was even born, when the Taliban took over the country.

[91] And he doesn't think about his life.

[92] They detained her father's colleagues in the police force.

[93] Put them in prison.

[94] Apparently their plan was to assassinate them.

[95] But the story goes, En's father sneaked in and freed them.

[96] And he saved their life.

[97] But that made him even more of an enemy in the Taliban's eyes.

[98] He started to run away from Afghanistan.

[99] So he fled to Pakistan, with En's mother and older sibling to safety.

[100] It was only after the U .S. invasion in the early 2000s, when N was just a baby, that the family felt safe enough to return to Afghanistan.

[101] They settled in a province in the northeast part of the country, where N's mother grew up.

[102] And that's where N's spent her childhood.

[103] I remember all these days I was trying to be a great child, great daughter.

[104] She says that growing up, she really looked up to her father.

[105] When he was fixing a bicycle or fixing the electricity or other things and I was watching what he's doing.

[106] She said she kind of followed him around, watching everything he did.

[107] And he kind of applauded it.

[108] My father was always saying that this girl, when I'm doing anything, when I'm fixing a machine or something else, she's always stand in front of me and she was always always.

[109] always searching that what I'm doing, she wants to know.

[110] And he was prouting.

[111] And he was always telling to others that when she grew, she will know everything.

[112] She can be like a boy, you know.

[113] And he would come to call her this nickname.

[114] There was a name of a milk, you know?

[115] It was after a brand of milk that she apparently drank all the time when she was little.

[116] You know, I was drinking that.

[117] She really loved too much for that reason.

[118] That's cute.

[119] She really loved and admired her father.

[120] And it sounded like a really bright time in her life.

[121] And I miss that too much.

[122] But in the background, as N grew older, the Taliban had firmly reestablished itself in Afghanistan.

[123] And her oldest brother had followed in her father's footsteps, joining the Afghan police force himself.

[124] This made the family even more of a target for the Taliban.

[125] In 2011, you know, we were like a guest in my aunt's home.

[126] You know, we went for our winter's holiday on there.

[127] When En is around eight years old, she said her family went on a trip to another.

[128] town.

[129] They stayed in the home of her aunt and her uncle, who was also in the Afghan police force.

[130] And me, my mom, and my two brothers and father.

[131] And one night, N. says, the Taliban came to the home and set it on fire.

[132] And they put a hand bomb into the home in this attack.

[133] And N and her parents weren't harmed.

[134] But several other family members were trapped in the attack.

[135] My aunt's husband, her daughter, and three other children, they die.

[136] You know, from burning, they die.

[137] And the person who was alive was my sister.

[138] And she was totally burned.

[139] She was not normal.

[140] But those people with her, they lost their life.

[141] They lost their life.

[142] They lost their It wouldn't be the only attack.

[143] Can I tell you that Taliban attacked?

[144] Four years later, in 2015, En said Talib came to her home.

[145] They came to her home.

[146] They attacked on my father.

[147] They beat my father and also my brother.

[148] So the family fled back to Pakistan.

[149] For the second time to Pakistan.

[150] But En said, her father.

[151] really didn't want to stay there.

[152] But my father, actually, he loves Afghanistan because he was a soldier, you know, that type.

[153] He loves Afghanistan.

[154] So they returned.

[155] But this time, they settled in Kabul.

[156] And that's where N's spent her teenage years.

[157] When he come to Kabul, it was saved.

[158] There was no talib.

[159] I was spending my life normally, very normally.

[160] And focused on her studies.

[161] I decided to be a business woman, to learn business, to create a business for myself.

[162] So she told me she studied very hard.

[163] Every night I was learning just...

[164] She slept only four hours a night.

[165] I was trying to learn and learn and learn.

[166] And then she passed this exam that would allow her to go to university and pursue her dream of studying business.

[167] It was my luck.

[168] She was over the moon about that.

[169] Her parents were not.

[170] They told me that you're a girl and the business is for men's.

[171] It is not for you.

[172] They said, look, you can go to university, but if you go, you have to study Islamic studies.

[173] If you don't want to change it to Islamic studies, then we don't allow you to go, stay on home and don't go on.

[174] there.

[175] And she was definitely disappointed, but she didn't, you know, not want to go to university.

[176] So she agreed.

[177] And I said that it's okay.

[178] Now I can be, you know, a judge.

[179] She got really into this idea that she could study Islamic law and become a judge.

[180] What Islam say about the rights of women, if someone killed another person, then what should we do?

[181] And there was a a TV show about a case.

[182] She'd watch TV, and sometimes a show she would watch would involve a criminal case, and she'd think to herself, like, If a case come to me like this, then I have to think that how should I handle or how should I think?

[183] How would I handle this case?

[184] If there will be money pupil in front of me, then how can I defend someone?

[185] And then she'd go in front of her mirror and kind of pretend that she was a judge.

[186] In front of mirror, I was trying to be a judge and was talking with myself and, you know, acting like a judge.

[187] I was doing all these things and I said that, oh my God, if I will be a judge, then it will be, you know, fabulous.

[188] Because there was no one in our family or there was no girl who were a judge.

[189] And I said, okay, it's also good.

[190] You know, she felt really excited that maybe she could kind of blaze a trail.

[191] and her family in this way.

[192] You know, as a woman in Afghanistan, to be a judge, it's a big personality.

[193] I was trying and I was dreaming like this.

[194] You know, my numbers was great.

[195] Your grades were great?

[196] Yes, it was great.

[197] And she was just about to start her fourth semester in August.

[198] We were starting our new semester.

[199] When the Taliban came to Kabul.

[200] Then this.

[201] Suddenly, all dreams someone broke all your dreams.

[202] A life without any dreams is like nonsense.

[203] It's nothing.

[204] And, you know, I lost everything.

[205] Afghanistan's government has fallen to Islamist militants who make up the Taliban.

[206] There are scenes of panic and pandemonium at Kabul Airport today as desperate people pour onto the runway, trying to flee the country.

[207] Increasing numbers of Kabul residents have been looking for a way out.

[208] don't feel safe, who are petrified.

[209] In what can only be described as a chaotic exodus.

[210] Now, people are literally clinging on.

[211] This is extremely concerning to the population, especially women, who will be required to cover their faces.

[212] They will not be permitted to work in traditional roles.

[213] And you will see...

[214] When the Taliban came to Kabul in August and was among the thousands of people trying to get out.

[215] She knew her dreams of becoming a judge would be dashed.

[216] But maybe even more than that, Because of their history with the Taliban, her family was under serious threat.

[217] She thought, if the Taliban found her father, they would kill him.

[218] My father is scared about that.

[219] If Taliban knew about us and they were searching, we are not safe.

[220] You know, my father is like a criminal in Taliban's eyes.

[221] And we don't feel kids.

[222] So the family scrambled to figure out how they could leave.

[223] We were trying to move out from the country together with my family.

[224] They were trying.

[225] And said her father and brothers tried going to the airport, but to no avail.

[226] And N decided to try the French embassy.

[227] She had a friend who knew someone there, or maybe had a connection.

[228] So she waited there for three days, trying to get her family on any kind of evacuation list.

[229] she said it was crowded and chaotic and on the third day her family said it's just no use you might as well come back home I tried my best I really tried her father was crestfallen he needed to come up with a different plan and that's when things really took a turn so one of my father friends told to him that if you gave your daughter to a talep, then there will not be a danger for you and your family.

[230] So for this reason, my father wants to give me to a talib.

[231] N immediately protested.

[232] And she said her father and brothers put her on a kind of house arrest.

[233] They looked everywhere for her passport so she couldn't leave.

[234] She said they took her phone away.

[235] They monitored her movement.

[236] her conversations.

[237] She told me that even when she used the bathroom, her little brother would stand outside the door.

[238] And it's around this time when N says...

[239] The first time they beat me with pipe, and my whole body, there was a scratch of that pipe.

[240] Her family starts to beat her, to try to make her comply.

[241] Even the younger...

[242] My two brothers, they're younger than me, and they're slapping me, they're kicking me. And pleaded to them.

[243] I'd rather die than be married to a Taliban.

[244] But she said they didn't seem to care.

[245] They proceeded with putting pressure on her.

[246] And, you know, I was very tired about this.

[247] I think I don't want to marry with Taliban.

[248] And I will, if a person gives me two choices, to marry with the Taliban, to accept suicide.

[249] I will suicide.

[250] I will attend suicide, but I will not marry.

[251] You'd rather die than, yeah.

[252] That's it.

[253] And N said she felt hopeless.

[254] And I told him my father and everyone, don't beat me, I will do it.

[255] You don't kill me. I will kill my own self.

[256] So she attempted to take her life.

[257] I kept my hand because I won't.

[258] to, you know, I want to put a deadline to my life.

[259] She cut her wrist.

[260] And in this situation, when the blood was coming from my hand, they were not paying attention on it, and they were within me. It doesn't matter for them that, you know, my hand was cutted.

[261] But End's attempt to take her life didn't seem to deter her family's plan.

[262] She said a few days later, her father had some.

[263] visitors over.

[264] He had found a Talib who was interested in N. I don't know who was he, but his mother and sister, they were, they come to her home.

[265] So the Talib's mom and sister came over to inspect N, to see if she was a good match.

[266] You know, I brought this tea for them, but my hand was shaking and the tea just, you know, the tea.

[267] It leaked at the floor.

[268] It spilled, yeah.

[269] Yes, yes.

[270] When they saw that, you know, she doesn't know how to work at him, and she's like, you know, and I have wear like a t -shirt the way that I can show them my hand and the way that they think that I'm not a good girl.

[271] And had this really pretty fresh, obvious wound from her suicide attempt.

[272] on her wrist, and she was hoping to show the wound just enough that they would get a look at it.

[273] You know, in Afghanistan, when a person attends suicide or a girl, they think that she's not a good girl like this.

[274] Like a troublemaker.

[275] Yes, like a bad girl.

[276] They think like this.

[277] So for this reason, I have showed them not directly, but I have showed them.

[278] my hand and they talked with my father that what was that and I think they just catched my signal and they reject me they reject to me but that had other consequences for her once the talib's family left so when they left our home my father again they he beats me that what have you done they just take to my you know main part like your stomach yes on there and and i don't know what we name it but the main part you know we're girls and oh they're kicking you in like they're actually kicking you in your genital area yes yes yes it was bleeding i told to my mother that mom is bleeding and I'm feeling painful you know he was not believing that and he was telling to my brother to broke you know a wood to beat me with a wood and said this is the way it's been in her house the abuse has been constant in the weeks since the Taliban came to Kabul sometime when they beat me I cry.

[279] It's a normal thing.

[280] When you feel pain, you start crying.

[281] And he locks the windows and the door.

[282] And he's saying to me that don't, you know, stay silent, don't voice.

[283] I see.

[284] Don't yell.

[285] Don't yell out.

[286] Don't make a noise.

[287] Yes.

[288] Yes.

[289] And when I'm crying and I make a voice, then he's saying to me that I will give you to Talib.

[290] I will give you to Talib.

[291] I will give you to Talib.

[292] I will give you to Talib.

[293] You know, he's a good man, my father.

[294] But when he talked to that decision to give me to Talib, after that, he doesn't play a rule like my father.

[295] He just play a rule like a talib.

[296] He's acting like my.

[297] He's acting like my.

[298] enemy.

[299] The only person who is with me and home is my mother.

[300] My mother, she's trying very much to stay in front of them, you know, to save me. But she can do directly this thing, because she's always saying that you're a girl and you will go to your husband home.

[301] And I will stay with my sons.

[302] So I should be with them.

[303] I should accept everything that they are telling me. I'm you know unfortunately I can't help you I know this is wrong but I can't do anything so your mom so she's trying to defend you but at the end of the day there's nothing she can do is that is that yes you know the day when my hand was bleeding and she was trying to help me she was my cries coming she was she was trying to help me and she was saying that talked her to hospital tells she's bleeding but you know they talked my mother out through and they was never beating me and when i saw that moment i see that there was no one to help me you know the only person was my mom and after that she come and she put a um she put a bandage it was like a bandage she put it was like a hand to stop the bleeding and she was she was she's I love her because she's fighting for me I'm sorry no I'm sorry you know it's so very hard that you stand against your family you know the only thing that we have is our family and I I love my dad also but I don't know why he's doing all these things with me. You know, if he loves all the family, then I'm also a member of this family.

[304] He should stand for me also.

[305] If Taliban wants to kill us, then it's not the right thing, you know, to put me on hand of Taliban.

[306] You know, if he knows that they're bad people, why he's doing all these things.

[307] I really don't.

[308] I'm sorry.

[309] No, it's okay.

[310] I mean, what are you more scared of at this point?

[311] Like, is it going to the Taliban or is it your own father?

[312] And what's scarier to you?

[313] You know, I scared from my family because they're my own family, you know?

[314] The enemy, the Taliban, is not, I don't love them, but I love my family.

[315] When they're doing all these things, I feel bad that my own family, who I love them, who I'm their daughter, their sister, they're doing all these things with me. They know, I told to my father that you are the one who saved many people life from Taliban.

[316] How should you want to give your daughter to them?

[317] How can you decide this?

[318] And he told me, my family is important.

[319] And he told me that if I was a daughter and you were a father, then tell me what will you do for your family, save one person or to save all the family.

[320] You're talking about saving your family.

[321] And am I not his family's member?

[322] Am I not as a daughter?

[323] It's like a nonsense.

[324] You know, I'm feeling shameful that I'm talking from my family and I'm feeling shameful in front of you that my family is like this.

[325] It's not, you know, no one's family is like this.

[326] He's my father.

[327] And when I'm thinking about it, I, you know, I broke from insight.

[328] I don't know why.

[329] When I was child, he loved me, but now I don't know why he don't love me. You know, now I'm always doing, I'm cooking his favorite food.

[330] He loves tea.

[331] I'm always making tea for him.

[332] I'm doing anything.

[333] I will do anything that to be, you know, something that they love me or change their decision.

[334] Because it's the decision of my life.

[335] And it's not like a play.

[336] It's the decision of my life.

[337] They broke my dream, Taliban.

[338] It's not okay, but now I can deal with that.

[339] Okay, there is men.

[340] Many girls that, you know, Taliban broke their dreams.

[341] Okay, fine.

[342] But my life, you know, I can't spend my whole life with someone like with a Taliban.

[343] I can't, I really can't, you know.

[344] I will kill myself or I will out of home, but I will not accept that.

[345] But if I live this home, I doesn't have any family like this.

[346] and it's hard for a girl to live alone in Afghanistan.

[347] So it's a decision of my life.

[348] So Justin, just I want to let you get some sleep, but just in terms of the next couple of days, what are you kind of worried about right now for the next couple of days?

[349] you know I'm scared about their silence because they are not talking in front of me and I'm really scared about that they're trying to erase the mark of when I didn't suicide they're trying to erase that mark a suicide attempt yes yes they were talking about that that we should hide this mark that no one you know you will be not acceptable with this mark because everyone will ask from us that why have you done this thing?

[350] So I just feel that someone is coming, that they want to hide the mark.

[351] I'm trying to hear what they want to do, but I can.

[352] So I'm very scared about their silence.

[353] Well, thank you again.

[354] And please message me the next time you, you get the chance and we'll talk again.

[355] Okay.

[356] Don't think about me. I don't want to be, you know, make anything, any bad thing for anyone.

[357] So don't think about me. Thank you so much for me also.

[358] Thanks, Anne.

[359] Bye.

[360] Bye.

[361] I didn't hear from N again on that phone.

[362] I waited every day.

[363] and nothing.

[364] But before we had got off the phone, I did ask her for her best friend's phone number, just as a way to stay connected to N in case she couldn't call me again.

[365] And in the days that followed, her friend sent me photos of what was happening to N. Her father and brother had mixed boiling water and oil to burn N's wrist so badly that the burn mark would actually hide her suicide scar to make sure she was presentable for marriage.

[366] And that's all I really knew for several days.

[367] Until recently, a message popped up on my phone from an unknown number.

[368] It was then.

[369] Hi, ma 'am.

[370] I hope you're fine.

[371] And now I'm safe a little bit.

[372] And that's my new number.

[373] And it's safe.

[374] You can call me or text me if you want.

[375] She got out.

[376] Now I feel a little bit good.

[377] She told me that her father had lined up a new talib to marry N. And when they tried to burn her wrist, that was just the final straw.

[378] And after that, I decided that I want to leave this home.

[379] I want to leave home.

[380] So she made her decision.

[381] She waited for a day when she knew her father and brothers would leave the house.

[382] And on that morning...

[383] I cook my father's favorite food.

[384] And cooked her father his favorite breakfast.

[385] The egg with tomato and some potatoes.

[386] He loved that.

[387] And she just looked at him to kind of...

[388] frees his image in her mind.

[389] You know, when I was capturing that moment, I always think to myself that, you know, in some way he's kind.

[390] I was trying to, I was capturing that I was going to miss him.

[391] I will not see him again.

[392] And then he was gone and packed a single bag and quietly escaped and is in a safe place now and even though it hurts for her to walk because of the beatings her family inflicted it's them she thinks about the most since the days she escaped she's heard that the Taliban has come to her house with guns and rope demanding that her father fulfill his promise so now she's worried that in making a decision for her life she's also made a decision about theirs and she hopes it wasn't the wrong one it's a thought that torments her alone plus she misses her family especially her mom was written a letter for her so N has been writing her letters that she knows she can never send mom why you're not in there with me I was I was writing a letter for her But at least it makes her feel like she's talking to her mom again.

[393] That's how much I missed her.

[394] Now I miss her too much.

[395] It makes her feel like she's not all alone.

[396] I'm sorry.

[397] Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[398] We'll be right back.

[399] Here's what else you need to another day.

[400] A record number of Americans quit their jobs in August, according to new data from the U .S. government.

[401] in the latest sign of how much the pandemic has changed the labor market.

[402] About 4 .3 million people voluntarily left their jobs for a variety of reasons, including inconvenient hours, insufficient pay, and the belief that they could find better jobs.

[403] Among the hardest -hit sectors were restaurants, hotels, and retail.

[404] About 890 ,000 workers quit their jobs in the food and hotel industries.

[405] and about 720 ,000 quit their jobs in retail.

[406] Today's episode was produced by Lindsay Garrison and Stella Tan, with help from Soraya Shockley and Nina Pawtuck.

[407] It was edited by M .J. Davis -Linn contains original scoring by Dan Powell, Marion Lazano, Alicia Aitou, and Rochelle Banja, and was engineered by Chris Wood.

[408] Our theme music is by Jim Brunberg and M. Ben Landfork of Wonderly.

[409] Special thanks to Doug Shoresman, Rojean Jackette, David McCraw, Paula Schumann, Michael Benoit, and Heron Beiruse.

[410] That's it for the daily.

[411] I'm Michael Babarro.

[412] See you tomorrow.