Stop the Meltdowns & Quarantine Fights

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[22] Hey, everybody.

[23] Welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[24] This is Kirk Strongwild son Casey and we're glad you've joined us for some special tips to survive the COVID -19 season.

[25] We'd ask you to subscribe to our podcast on Apple, Spotify, Google Play, or wherever you may listen.

[26] Do check out CelebrateCalm .com regularly during this time.

[27] We're trying to release as many new resources for parents as possible, and we have a lot of different discounted bundles.

[28] We've brought back payment plans.

[29] We're doing customized bundles.

[30] So if you need help with that, putting together a customized bundle for your family, email me at Casey at Celebrate.

[31] Calm .com at C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, or you can call me at 888 -506 -1871.

[32] So the reason that I wrestled the microphone away from my dad today is because I was talking with a nice mom earlier this week, and she had a child who struggles with something that I struggled with a lot as a kid, meltdowns.

[33] And if you know our story, you know I struggled with auditory processing issues, ADHD, sensory integration.

[34] And so throughout my childhood, we tried many different schools.

[35] We tried homeschooling.

[36] But regardless of the school environment, one thing remained the same.

[37] And that was that I had meltdowns almost every single day.

[38] And it's not because I was frustrated with my parents.

[39] It was more so because I was frustrated with myself.

[40] And I want to help you kind of understand your kids and then go ahead and give you some different tools for dealing with kids when they're melting down and to also try to avoid the meltdowns.

[41] So my frustration was typically this.

[42] Morning time was okay.

[43] I could sometimes focus in the morning.

[44] But as the day kind of went on, I got more and more frustrated with myself, not with my parents, but with myself.

[45] And the reason I was frustrated was because, you know, I had ADHD.

[46] I had impulse control issues.

[47] And so, um, so I would, you know, struggle with making noises all day and, um, annoying my parents and trying to provoke them and get reactions.

[48] And I also really struggled with concentration.

[49] So, you know, throughout the day, you're battling that.

[50] And then early in the afternoon or even late in the morning, what would happen is I would go from being completely fine one second to a complete meltdown the next.

[51] And it would typically end with, you know, a math book thrown across the room.

[52] And I'd be yelling at my parents and taking it out on them.

[53] But it wasn't because I was upset with my parents.

[54] It was because I was upset with myself.

[55] And so I think oftentimes as parents, We forget that our kids don't want to be melting down.

[56] It's not like they enjoy melting down.

[57] It's something that comes from a deep frustration with themselves.

[58] And so that's typically what's happening there.

[59] And so my parents' reaction to that at the time was to talk with me a lot.

[60] And so they wanted me to identify my feelings.

[61] So they would proactively ask me kind of throughout the day to, identify, hey, identify when you're feeling frustrated and you're about to blow up.

[62] How are you feeling?

[63] And I had auditory processing issues, so them just harping on me to talk was kind of my least favorite method of communication.

[64] And that ended up frustrating me even more.

[65] And so today I kind of want to focus on some alternatives.

[66] So because asking your child to identify how they're feeling and verbalize their frustrations is really just frustrating to them, and it produces kind of an angry response.

[67] So, and the other thing is, most of you can't even identify and verbalize your own feelings.

[68] So why, as adults, are we expecting our kids to do something that we can't even do?

[69] Very frequently, we're in traffic, and we lose it on people, or we lose it on our kids, or we lose it on our friends or we lose it on our spouse.

[70] And so if we can't even control our own emotions, I don't know how we expect our kids to control and verbalize their own emotions.

[71] So here are a few things to do instead.

[72] One, use nonverbal communication.

[73] When communicating verbally, there's this invisible pressure that kids feel.

[74] And all of us feel it.

[75] There's the need to respond.

[76] But if your kids have auditory processing issues, if they are slower processors, or if they are emotional or already filled with frustration towards themselves, they don't respond, they react, they lash out.

[77] And then the situation escalates.

[78] It turns into a meltdown.

[79] So one of the things we started doing in our home was writing notes.

[80] so my dad would write me a note or send me an email and the reason for that is writing gives your slower auditory processors time to think and process before responding in this time when we're all stuck together giving space is hugely important and another thing not to do is stand over your kids um i know my dad many many times when i was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework and i started to get frustrated, he would just stand there.

[81] As I was trying to process my frustration, he was just standing over me. And it's like if you get an argument with your spouse, and they just stand over you and wait for you to process your frustration.

[82] It just doesn't work.

[83] So don't stand over here, kids.

[84] Another thing you can do is have a code word.

[85] You've heard my dad talk about ours in his last podcast and our code word was chips and salsa.

[86] So what is the code word in your home that signals we need to sit down or go for a walk or separate and calm down?

[87] I think that's huge in this time where we're together 24 -7 for weeks on end and everybody's just kind of on the edge a little bit on edge a little bit.

[88] And so come up with a code word that means we're just going to take a few minutes and separate before we go back to talking about whatever it is.

[89] Two, have a calming routine in your home.

[90] Ask your kids to come up with a new routine.

[91] When they're beginning to feel frustrated, what are we going to do?

[92] What is a nonverbal cue we could give?

[93] Is there a hand signal or is there a code word that lets everyone know, I'm about to blow up.

[94] And here's the other thing with this.

[95] Don't expect that your kids are going to come up with a code word and then tomorrow it's going to be perfect.

[96] Maybe they identify it right as they're starting to blow up.

[97] Maybe they still blow up a little bit.

[98] But we want to focus on progress in the coming days and coming weeks.

[99] And I really think this calming routine is huge.

[100] So when we were doing camps for kids, we'd have them hold up a Nerf football if they needed to talk.

[101] Or I used to come home from school and hold up a Dunkin' Donuts coffee mug because that's how my mom and I connected.

[102] Our thing was coffee.

[103] We would have coffee together and chat.

[104] And so these nonverbal cues are kind of huge because it's just so easy to get trapped in an emotional argument when you're standing over your kids.

[105] and when they feel like they have to respond right away, they end up just lashing out.

[106] So in this time, since we're together all the time, let's try to create some space.

[107] But I want you to practice this new calming routine.

[108] Maybe they listen to music.

[109] Maybe they do push -ups.

[110] Maybe they run outside.

[111] Whatever they come up with that works for them, have your kids listen to the Straight Talk for Kids program this week because I spend eight times.

[112] ton of time on teaching them how to control their emotions, communicate effectively with their parents, and in a respectful way.

[113] It's free with our big bundle in our newsletter and on our website on the products page, or it's $79 if you go to the individual programs.

[114] But it is free with the big bundle.

[115] So I would recommend listening to that if you don't have it.

[116] And another big favor just from a kid's perspective to parents if you can stop talking and lecturing so much it will make all the difference in the world because what I really think is that we should spend the month of April learning how to stop lecturing and talking so much it will change your child's reactions more than you can possibly imagine when you try to enter into their world communicate a little bit differently, whether that's with writing, whether that's with texting, enter into their world a bit, take them off of the defensive, and stop lecturing.

[117] For dads who are like my dad was, when you get upset and angry and you yell, it makes us feel like we can never please you, like we're stupid.

[118] And that kind of creates more anger with, it creates anger with ourselves and resentment towards our parents.

[119] And so let's make this kind of our goal in April to get closer with our kids, to improve our relationships, and to come up with new routines.

[120] So in the future, we know how to handle these really intense situations.

[121] You use this time.

[122] We have time right now.

[123] We're all stuck together, and this can either be a good thing or it can be absolutely miserable.

[124] So I think we can make it a good thing.

[125] So keep following the podcast.

[126] If you want to check out our big bundle on the products page this week, that is on sale.

[127] We are doing payment plans.

[128] If you need help financially, reach out to me. My email is Casey at celebratecom .com.

[129] You can call me at 888506, 1871.

[130] I'll be happy to help you out personally.

[131] but we want to make this time a time of healing for our relationships and make it a really positive thing because we finally have time to slow down.

[132] So if there's any way we can help, let us know.

[133] Otherwise, look out for more podcasts in the next few days.

[134] Have a great weekend.

[135] Bye.