#104 - Sam Tripoli

[0] Podcast on a Plane Productions presents the great Sam Tripoli.

[1] Sounded to be in such an amazingly high -level podcast.

[2] 30 ,000 feet above Canada.

[3] Unfortunately, against Joey Diaz is very sound advice.

[4] I watched the new version of The Mechanic.

[5] Joey Diaz gave me very strict rules.

[6] I warned you.

[7] I warned you.

[8] I said don't go against.

[9] Coco Diaz.

[10] Dog, dog, that's a disgrace.

[11] That movie's a disgrace.

[12] It was not good.

[13] It was weak.

[14] It was a lot of tricks and a lot of...

[15] I mean, there was some good scenes in it.

[16] It was kind of decent.

[17] But there was...

[18] I watch movies and I rate them based on how many cut -the -shit scenes there are.

[19] Oh, yeah.

[20] You know?

[21] On the airplane, you always watch movies that you're like, that's kind of interesting, but I don't want to actually spend a dollar on watching it.

[22] So since they're in your little front line up here on the thing.

[23] Well, unfortunately, I've tried to watch this movie twice in hotels, and both times I fell asleep.

[24] So I should have learned.

[25] I think that's God talking to you, brother.

[26] It's God dressed up as Joey Diaz.

[27] You don't remake Charles Bronson movies, motherfucker.

[28] You just don't do it.

[29] That is a golden rule of Hollywood.

[30] Joey Diaz has some solid rules, and that's one of them to live by.

[31] We need to make some Coco Diaz commandments.

[32] Ten commandments live by Coco Diaz.

[33] Well, we already have the t -shirt on hire -primate .com that says, if you ain't high by two in the afternoon, go fuck yourself.

[34] That's one sold like hotcakes.

[35] The moment we put it out, it was sold out in one day.

[36] So we're printing thousands more as we speak.

[37] And then we're going to get another t -shirt that just says, stay black.

[38] Yeah.

[39] He's just a walking slogan machine.

[40] Start trademarking everything he says just as soon as he says it.

[41] Just put TMs and R's behind it.

[42] Have you ever met anybody that's more fun to hang out with ever?

[43] Never.

[44] I know where I am on the comedy hierarchy when I hang out with that guy.

[45] Immediately below.

[46] Well, you know what it is, dude?

[47] He's a human cartoon.

[48] I mean, everything about him.

[49] First of all, you just look at him, and you start laughing.

[50] And then it's his attitude, and then it's his accent, and that, you know, his New Jersey swagger.

[51] It's like, he's got everything.

[52] And the rants just are amazing.

[53] They're black belt rants.

[54] Yeah.

[55] He's on the highest level possible.

[56] I agree.

[57] You know, Doug Stanhope said it best.

[58] He said Joey Diaz could read out of the yellow pages and make it twice as funny as anything you see on it.

[59] Yeah, 100%.

[60] I mean, I laugh out loud when I hang out with that guy.

[61] You know, being a comic and, you know, being around a bunch of weirdos and strange people that choose this strange life that we live, you know, you get a chance to spend time with some humans that, you know, a lot of these stiffs, you're looking around in this airplane, a lot of these guys that are up here with us in first class that are, you know, probably...

[62] Anderson Silva's in coach, which I don't know how that happened.

[63] Yeah, unfortunately, we're in first class and the greatest pound -for -pound fighter to ever walk the face of the earth.

[64] I think I should just give my seat up.

[65] I think that's the way to roll.

[66] You sit here.

[67] Where are you sitting?

[68] He's sitting ten rows behind my man, Sammy T. I wonder if you can order a Portuguese Rosetta Stone on this thing so I can talk to the people sitting next to me. Yeah, we're flying back from Toronto, Canada, where we were there for the biggest UFC in North American history.

[69] It was crazy.

[70] It was at the Rogers Center, which used to be the Sky Dome, and it's 55 ,000 seats.

[71] Plus, they sold 55 ,000 out in an hour, and then they cleared room for another 5 ,000 seat and sold those out.

[72] Not in an hour, in a day.

[73] He takes more than that for the transactions because there's so many transactions.

[74] But it was literally instantly.

[75] It was just a matter of how quickly could they transfer all the money.

[76] And then, you know, so we're at this 55 ,000 seat thing.

[77] And if you've never been to the Rogers Center, it's really crazy.

[78] It's a fantastic start.

[79] It's the biggest thing you've ever seen.

[80] It is an indoor baseball field.

[81] Literally, it's that big.

[82] They play baseball indoors.

[83] The Blue Jays won the 92 World Series.

[84] It's hard to believe.

[85] When you see it, they have these monitors where they were showing the fights, like the close -ups and the replays and stuff.

[86] 85 feet high, high -definition monitors.

[87] This place is so big it has a hotel attached to it.

[88] Yeah, it has a hotel attached to it, and I guess during the World Series, dudes were banging their girlfriends in the windows watching the game.

[89] That's living, bro.

[90] That guy just knocked off probably the hardest thing on his bucket list ever.

[91] I mean, just to be able to bone during the World Series and Blue Jays, I mean, it's never going to happen again.

[92] Not just bone during the World Series, but bone on television.

[93] Because they pan, the cameras pan to them.

[94] They pan to the hotel to show that there's people watching from the hotel.

[95] And this dude is just nailing it from behind.

[96] Just rodeo style, hooting and hollering while the game was going on.

[97] I wonder if they sent him a championship ring, too.

[98] That guy should get a belt.

[99] He should get a UFC belt.

[100] We need to get that guy on the podcast, whoever you are, sir.

[101] Yeah, where is that guy?

[102] Contact me on Twitter or Facebook.

[103] You are a legend.

[104] Find me. I'm going to look you up on the Internet.

[105] We must know your name.

[106] They must have probably prosecuted that guy.

[107] They have to have a video of that, or they have to have at least a picture from the video of him just rocking the chip.

[108] There's got to be something.

[109] I think there is something on YouTube.

[110] The guys that work there are telling us there's something on YouTube.

[111] Yeah, every two feet we went, we met another employee, and the first thing they told us.

[112] It's about the guy boning.

[113] Yeah, that's their great story.

[114] It's like lore over there.

[115] Yeah, that's their great tale.

[116] That's their Jesus.

[117] That's their story of how crazy Canadians party.

[118] Canadians do party crazy too, by the way.

[119] And to prove it, we went to a place.

[120] What was the name of that place that we went to on Friday night?

[121] Or Thursday night?

[122] What was it?

[123] It was like the...

[124] Lafferin or I forget what it is.

[125] Hold on a second.

[126] I'll tell you in one second, ladies and gentlemen.

[127] Hold on.

[128] I need to give these guys credit because they were so cool.

[129] It was such a fun gig.

[130] I got to find out.

[131] Hold on one second.

[132] Okay, it was called Clandestinate.

[133] That was the name of it.

[134] And what it is is it's a head shop.

[135] For those who are not in the know a head shop is a place where they sell marijuana pipes And, you know, they have bongs and stuff for sale.

[136] And then in the back room, they have a legit comedy club.

[137] Yep, 100%.

[138] They have beer and, you know, and they have no ventilation, though, unfortunately.

[139] And it's a total hot box.

[140] I've never done a show like this before.

[141] It was so strange.

[142] Jamie Kilstein was the one who sent me hip to this and gave me the guy's information and got me to contact him.

[143] But when you get there, we couldn't, we literally, you could barely see the stage from the back of the room because everyone in the...

[144] The club is smoking weed.

[145] Nobody left the club.

[146] There was something on before us that was about an hour.

[147] Then it went to the comedy show.

[148] Then it went to us.

[149] People were in there for a good two and a half hours of just baking.

[150] They were just baking.

[151] We were there for like...

[152] Ten minutes, and we were already like, oh, man, that's a little hot.

[153] We're getting really hot right now.

[154] It was the most ridiculous scene ever.

[155] It was like doing comedy inside the clouds.

[156] Yeah, it was.

[157] It was that smoky, man. It was that smoky, and while I was on, I did an hour on stage, and while I was up there, I'm looking around, and Sam is in the back of the room.

[158] I can barely see him.

[159] I'm looking around through the audience.

[160] It's just bomb.

[161] And they did not stop.

[162] They just kept rolling.

[163] I'm not lying to you.

[164] I'm on stage.

[165] About five feet in front of me is a shadow figure.

[166] I thought it was Joe.

[167] I didn't know.

[168] I'm like, I'm so high.

[169] I'm like, oh, he wants me to get off stage.

[170] I'm so fucking high.

[171] I'm like, I start getting paranoid.

[172] I'm like, okay, I gotta get the fuck off stage.

[173] I walk out, it's some fat Mexican guy.

[174] That's how good the weed is.

[175] The Mexicans have come up from fucking Mexico.

[176] Went right through America and went to this place for the fun.

[177] They went straight to Canada.

[178] We ate edible on the plane.

[179] And when we landed, we were already barbecued.

[180] And then when we got to the hotel, we just...

[181] You were so high, you left your bag.

[182] Yeah, I was so high.

[183] I left my bag on the plane.

[184] And there's a man named Matt who works for Air Canada.

[185] Matt, if you hear this, you are my hero.

[186] This guy hooked me up because if it wasn't for him, I would have had to buy new underwear or new toothbrush.

[187] So it's Randy Couture and Matt from Air Canada.

[188] Yes, Air Canada.

[189] Matt is my hero.

[190] He's a silver medalist right behind Randy.

[191] Randy gets the gold.

[192] But this guy, not only did he go back on the plane to get my bag, but the plane had moved to a different terminal because it was headed to Germany.

[193] This guy went over to the different terminal, got on the plane, and got my bag.

[194] The guy's a stud.

[195] Yeah, I mean, he had to deal with the Germans over there, too, which is never easy.

[196] And he wouldn't even take a tip.

[197] The guy was so cool.

[198] Very, very fortunate for me. Very happy to help.

[199] Yeah, he was very happy to help.

[200] But look, Canadians are nice as fuck, man. They're so much nicer.

[201] You expect evil to be lurking.

[202] Yeah.

[203] You look in their eyes, you see nothing but unicorns and rainbows.

[204] It's really weird.

[205] You're like, okay, what's going on here?

[206] Because I know something shady is about to happen, and it never really does.

[207] Because they're so nice, you feel like they're trying to rape you.

[208] Yeah, really.

[209] It's like, you want something from me. I don't know how they got to be so cool as a country.

[210] Maybe it's because they're not trying to go out and take over the world.

[211] Maybe that's what it is.

[212] Maybe there's something in America because of the fact that Canada is still a colony of England.

[213] They kind of gave in.

[214] And they're cool with it.

[215] They're like, who gives a shit?

[216] They're way the fuck over there.

[217] America, not we, obviously, but a bunch of people who came here first were like, fuck England, fuck you, fuck your taxes.

[218] they'd know that this would eventually become much worse than England, what they were trying to escape.

[219] All civilizations eventually come to the same point of corruption.

[220] It's just human beings have an almost inescapable need to control things and fuck people over and just make as much money as possible.

[221] It's all cycles.

[222] It's the weirdest thing.

[223] Like, have you ever watched The Matrix?

[224] When Keanu Reeves meets the creator and he says, like, you're the seventh one and they always act the same way, it's a cycle.

[225] Do you know what I'm saying?

[226] Yeah.

[227] Even though we're, you know, maybe we're more advanced in our toys and stuff like that.

[228] But like we were talking last night, we're still wired the same way.

[229] And given, you know, the same kind of variables, we'll probably do the same thing over and over and over again.

[230] Yeah, well, that's why Canada is so confusing.

[231] Because even though, obviously, they're very competitive as far as, like, they have, you know, huge cities and, you know, I mean, they don't make their own...

[232] Cars, I don't think, do they?

[233] Not that I know of.

[234] No. The only thing they care about is winning gold in hockey.

[235] Like, that is a must.

[236] Yeah.

[237] And George St. Pierre.

[238] And George St. Pierre.

[239] You know, they care about a lot of different things.

[240] There's a Karate Kid theme at the UFC, by the way.

[241] A little bit.

[242] The headbands and the kick.

[243] Well, that was George's headband.

[244] He wears that Kyokushin Karate headband everywhere.

[245] And then Lyoto Machida knocked out Randy Couture with a kick that was right out of a movie.

[246] Oh, fucking.

[247] Right leg a little up, goes back down, boom, up with the kick.

[248] Well, what he did was he faked with the left and jumped with the right foot and front kicked him in the face, literally straight out of the karate kid.

[249] Just like in the movie.

[250] No can defend.

[251] The only thing that was missing was he didn't put his arms to the side like a crane.

[252] Yeah, that would have been really crazy if he did that.

[253] Here's another example of how awesome Canada is.

[254] 55 ,000 people inside that place.

[255] Cool and polite as fuck.

[256] As polite as can be.

[257] That would have never happened in America.

[258] Yeah, like, yeah.

[259] It's like there was an order to getting out.

[260] Everybody wasn't trying to cut each other off so they can get a little farther up quicker.

[261] And, you know, the traffic getting out of the place.

[262] I'm like, everybody was really nice.

[263] What do you think it is, though?

[264] I mean, I think what we were saying has, there's a point to that, that they...

[265] didn't fight off England, and they are not trying to go out and conquer Iraq and all these different parts of the world.

[266] They send soldiers to deal with the conflict in the Middle East, but it's almost because they're allies with America and NATO and everything like that.

[267] I mean, it just seems like they just don't have the same desire to be cunts as we do.

[268] Well, we talked about this when we did Canada before on your last tour.

[269] It's about how we're the descendants of some aggressive people.

[270] You know, when America was growing, there was always like the American dream and everybody wanted it.

[271] You know, it took some very aggressive people to be like, I'm going to lay it all on the line and try to get to America.

[272] And like, you know, the stuff they had to go through, it's just like they could die doing it.

[273] It took a very aggressive people to get here.

[274] And then, you know, more aggressive people, more aggressive.

[275] Then we're descendants of some, some savages.

[276] Right.

[277] But the Canadians came here too.

[278] You know, North America just 10 ,000 years ago, half of it was literally under a mile high of ice.

[279] A mile high.

[280] The last ice age ended like 10 ,000 years ago.

[281] And before then, this was uninhabitable.

[282] So while people were living throughout Europe and Asia, there was no one living here.

[283] I mean, it was impossible.

[284] Everyone who's in Canada, everyone who's in America, everyone came from somewhere else.

[285] But for whatever reason, we're the douchies.

[286] I don't know.

[287] Maybe it's because we have such diversity.

[288] I don't know because when you're in Canada, regardless of someone's ethnic background, they all seem to be like one.

[289] Do you know what I'm saying?

[290] Yeah.

[291] They're not breaking up into like, I'm Indian -Canadian, I'm Mexican -Canadian.

[292] It's like they're all one people.

[293] That's true.

[294] Maybe.

[295] That's a big reason because everybody's trying to get their piece of the pie.

[296] Yeah, they're diverse as far as like what kind of people live there.

[297] There's a lot of, you know, there's white people, there's black people.

[298] But every time that Canadian flag came up on the monitor and, you know, and one of the Canadians was fighting, the place went nuts.

[299] Yeah, it didn't matter if they were, you know, what, you know, skin color, how tall, short they are.

[300] Every Canadian that fought, they got the biggest applause.

[301] Even that first fight, when it wasn't even that packed in the room.

[302] The place went nuts when that guy came in.

[303] Yeah.

[304] Well, the way Canada's weed laws are is right now, for the next 90 days in Ontario, there is no law.

[305] Because they deemed, apparently, their current law unconstitutional.

[306] And so they are trying to either revise it or they will have...

[307] It'll be legal.

[308] So they're trying to figure that out over the next 90 days.

[309] So these people at this club, this clandestiny, were just wide open with it, man. They were opening up the door because trying to get some ventilation in the place.

[310] You open up the door, it was a Cheech and Chong movie.

[311] It was crazy.

[312] If you could, please.

[313] Thank you.

[314] That's Jacqueline, our stewardess.

[315] Hi, Jacqueline.

[316] We're having a podcast right now.

[317] Would you say hello?

[318] Say hello.

[319] Hello, bonjour.

[320] Welcome aboard.

[321] This is a podcast.

[322] Podcast, okay.

[323] We're all over the world.

[324] Very nice.

[325] Welcome aboard Air Canada.

[326] Like 400 ,000 people are going to hear this.

[327] Hello, everybody.

[328] The stewardesses in Air Canada could not be nicer.

[329] They're happy.

[330] There's just happiness in their eyes.

[331] Yeah.

[332] There's not this shadiness.

[333] The best part of Canada is whatever Americans go crazy about, and there's this big, like, riff between, you know, right side, left side, and they fight over it.

[334] Canada automatically legalizes it.

[335] It's almost like our experiment.

[336] What do you mean?

[337] They automatically legalize what?

[338] Like, uh...

[339] Gay marriage.

[340] Is gay marriage legal up here?

[341] I'm pretty sure it's legal.

[342] Marijuana?

[343] I know California is like...

[344] Well, marijuana is not legal in Canada.

[345] In other parts of Canada, outside of Toronto and outside of Vancouver, they will prosecute you.

[346] Well, I don't think it's even decriminalized statewide.

[347] I mean, I think it's illegal.

[348] I think that they're just tolerant of it, and that's literally how it is in Toronto.

[349] Before this sort of situation where they don't have a law, I believe how it was set up was that they were just tolerant of it.

[350] They just kind of let things slide.

[351] Because this clandestiny has been around for a while, and they're pretty open about it.

[352] It's sort of a private club, and they have, you know, pot.

[353] Openly.

[354] Yeah, and guess what?

[355] I think the housekeeper or maid jacked my bag of goodies.

[356] No way.

[357] I came home last night.

[358] I was going to eat a cookie, and the paper bag was gone.

[359] No way.

[360] There was cookies in it, and there was all that little weed that they gave us.

[361] I'm like, there's no way she chucked that out.

[362] She looked right in there.

[363] Do you tip the housekeepers?

[364] I tip this time.

[365] Canadians are weird because when I was waiting tables all the time, Canadians never tipped, and I just thought that was a cultural thing.

[366] So sometimes I'm like, karma, bitch, but I left a little money, man. I feel bad if I don't.

[367] I always tip, and they left my weed.

[368] Oh, is that what you're saying?

[369] Payback, bitch.

[370] Yeah, she's like, I'm tired of cleaning up after this dirty, cheap motherfucker.

[371] Because I'll be high while I clean this room.

[372] She's like, what, are you going to report your weed stolen?

[373] Go ahead, stupid.

[374] Report it.

[375] That's the worst part, dude.

[376] I used to play a new ballet suit with Jack Weed because what are you going to do?

[377] You can't call the cops.

[378] Yeah.

[379] Well, isn't there stories of people who called 911 when people stole their drugs and stuff like that?

[380] Oh, yeah.

[381] I think I've heard that.

[382] Fucking idiots.

[383] There's a lot of those stories on the internet.

[384] Or the cop that got so high he called 911.

[385] That was the cop that they had pot brownies and they took them from some guy and ate them.

[386] And a cop and his girlfriend and they thought they were dying.

[387] Because that shit is strong.

[388] Yeah, yeah.

[389] If you've never taken pot brownies.

[390] And if you're a cop, you're probably done.

[391] and seen some things that you really would probably not like to see.

[392] Just imagine your eyes just opening up to a whole different...

[393] Because sometimes you've got to have a certain mentality to be a cop.

[394] And sometimes you may not see the other side.

[395] And then you take this pop round and shit just opens up.

[396] Yeah, and then you've seen some nasty shit.

[397] Yeah, that's got to be a strange fucking trip, man. A very strange trip.

[398] You know, another surreal thing about this trip, this experience, was all these people...

[399] talking to us about the royal wedding, that people cared about the royal wedding.

[400] How strange was that?

[401] I was watching television.

[402] I saw guys showing up in Times Square.

[403] It was on the news watching the royal wedding.

[404] I'm like, what are you doing?

[405] You're a man. It's so weird.

[406] Why would you care about that?

[407] I can understand it as a girl because that is every little girl's dream.

[408] Deep down inside, they want to marry a prince and have a royal wedding.

[409] But as a guy, a straight guy, you're like, why are you into that?

[410] It was just so strange to see it all, not just all over the news, but people talking about it everywhere.

[411] Have you seen the wedding?

[412] Did you watch the wedding?

[413] You know, a billion people watched the wedding.

[414] I mean, how many billion?

[415] Was it like a billion or some crazy number?

[416] Two billion.

[417] Two billion people watched two people where they don't even know what their voice sounds like.

[418] Women had viewing parties and shit.

[419] Like UFC viewing parties.

[420] Women had viewing parties.

[421] But you know what, man?

[422] You're a podcast.

[423] Better than the Royal Wedding on iTunes in Canada.

[424] That's pretty fucking impressive, brother.

[425] Yeah, my podcast was number one in Canada.

[426] The Royal Wedding was number two.

[427] Suck it, stupid.

[428] What was number three?

[429] My podcast again.

[430] Another episode.

[431] Surrounded.

[432] Suck it again, stupid.

[433] You went airtight on the Royal Wedding, brother.

[434] Yeah, the experience at clandestine was fun, but it was really just a preparation.

[435] This trip got better, at least for me personally, because, you know, the first night we just go in and get baked.

[436] We do a fun show, and that's cool.

[437] Then the next night, it's like, do that huge, messy hall that was fucking phenomenal, and Doug Benson got to go on, and that was great.

[438] And then for me personally...

[439] Just like the UFC fight and then hanging out with you and Dana in Dana's private room.

[440] That was fucking phenomenal.

[441] And then eating with all you guys after the fight, sitting next to the Fratellis.

[442] Oh, man. Yeah, it was an awesome weekend.

[443] It was about as good as it possibly gets.

[444] Friday night we did Massey Hall, which is a huge historic hall in Canada.

[445] Like the place and so many huge acts.

[446] I mean, I felt...

[447] I felt like I didn't belong there.

[448] I felt weird.

[449] It was one of the few shows where I was nervous the day of the show.

[450] We were driving around, and I wasn't nervous like, oh, this could suck.

[451] I could bomb.

[452] I wasn't nervous like that, but I was nervous like, wow, something big is going on, man. This is a big show.

[453] 2 ,700, dude.

[454] That's big, man. I think it's 2 ,600, but whatever.

[455] But it was an incredible place.

[456] Huge, beautiful, historic hall.

[457] And it couldn't have been cooler.

[458] The show was amazing.

[459] The feedback has been awesome.

[460] Yeah, it was incredible.

[461] The crowd was so cool.

[462] And, you know, I got a standing ovation afterwards.

[463] We filmed it and then spent like two hours taking pictures with people and signing things and signing T -shirts.

[464] She said there was 150.

[465] I forget the guy's name, but he was like 150.

[466] 50 people are waiting.

[467] I'm like, that's way more than 150, man. Yeah, it was, whatever it was, it was a huge line and it took hours.

[468] But, and again, no one was rude.

[469] Everyone was in line and orderly and cool.

[470] Even the last guy who was on Mushrooms asked you to read his manifesto.

[471] The last guy.

[472] It did get creepy at the end.

[473] And what happened at the end is the guy comes up to me and he says, With stripper eyes, just crazy stripper eyes.

[474] Like part stripper, part hamster.

[475] There was something going on there.

[476] And he came up and he said, I have to talk to you about something.

[477] I said, okay.

[478] He was the last guy, okay?

[479] And he planned it that way.

[480] This guy knew that if he was the last guy, perhaps he'd have a chance to talk to me. And it was real weird because it was like I was obligated to communicate with him.

[481] Like he has some spiritual information for me. So he tells me, I was learning some things about my...

[482] I was doing my research on psychedelics, and I took 6 .8 grams, and I came to some amazing conclusions, and I have to discuss this with you.

[483] And so I'm like, oh, okay.

[484] You know, so I'm trying to get rid of the dude.

[485] I'm like, well, you know, send me some on Facebook.

[486] Like, maybe I'll read it, you know, if it's interesting, right?

[487] And he goes, well, I was going to.

[488] I tried to.

[489] I emailed Brian Redband, but he just sent me some stupid joke in response.

[490] I'm like, well, it sounds like Brian.

[491] You know, you email him saying you talk to God through mushrooms and you want to, can I get Joe's home address?

[492] He's going to send you some stupid joke.

[493] That guy should be on the next Blackout podcast.

[494] Those two guys just on shrooms, just fucking getting fucked up.

[495] It was weird.

[496] You can tell it was crazy.

[497] Yeah.

[498] You're all just watching.

[499] Well, some people just really do need friends.

[500] Yeah, some people do need friends.

[501] And some people really do need someone to let them know.

[502] I know that what you experienced must have been amazing, and I know that for you it was probably the highlight of your life, but you don't have some sort of an obligation or a need to interject this into other people's lives or tell them that you've learned something.

[503] And it's so weird that he obviously looks up to you.

[504] But, like, it's so weird to come to somebody you really don't know with your stories of fucking drug abuse.

[505] You know, like, that's such a weird thing to present.

[506] Well, everybody does it to me. But this guy was ultra weird, and this is why he was ultra weird.

[507] He comes up to me, he goes, I've seen things that you have never possibly seen.

[508] I go, how do you know?

[509] He goes, well, I just know.

[510] I go, you don't know what I've seen.

[511] And he goes, well, in a past life, I was Carl Jung.

[512] I go, how can you be sure?

[513] And he goes, I could tell you.

[514] Let's go somewhere and I'll discuss this with her.

[515] No, I don't want to.

[516] And then security tries to get rid of him.

[517] And he's like, I need to discuss this with you.

[518] I'm like, um, I can't.

[519] I gotta go.

[520] I'm from the Sigmund Freud camp.

[521] Carl Jung camp.

[522] I felt like Jung was a bit dismissive about UFOs and flying saucers.

[523] I think, you know, he was a little bit too convinced of his own research.

[524] Why would you want to be somebody whose everything's been discredited?

[525] That's so weird that you'd pick a psychologist and basically everybody's discredited.

[526] Young?

[527] People discredited young?

[528] Really?

[529] Young and even like, what's his name?

[530] Who I just mentioned.

[531] Now I can't even remember.

[532] Freud, yeah.

[533] Most of his stuff has been discredited.

[534] You know, after time, they just realize it's not true.

[535] Well, Freud did a lot of coke, and I find that people who do a lot of coke, they like to talk.

[536] They all did.

[537] Yeah, Carl Jung in his past life doing drugs, and in his new life, he's doing drugs.

[538] In his defense, Joey Diaz did a lot of coke, so did Hunter S. Thompson, so it ain't all bad.

[539] Yeah, I guess it depends on how you're wired at that point.

[540] Yeah, I don't know what...

[541] I never paid attention to Freud or Carl Jung.

[542] I have a couple Carl Jung books that somebody recommended, so I bought them, and I...

[543] I couldn't get into it.

[544] I just, you know, it wasn't me, whatever.

[545] I need to get inspired to read someone's book.

[546] And just for whatever reason, the subject's not that interesting to me. I have a feeling that Coco might have been a Buddha in his past life.

[547] Both large men with, you know, philosophical points of view.

[548] That fit on little fortune cookie type things.

[549] That's the next t -shirt, Joey and the Lotus.

[550] Position, double lotus.

[551] Floating.

[552] As a Buddha.

[553] Yeah.

[554] With some sort of a giant pot leaf behind him.

[555] Smiling, just baked.

[556] Yeah.

[557] So, the point is, all you crazy assholes that have had wild drug experiences, good for you.

[558] But don't corner me, man. Don't corner me with your crazy trip experiences telling me that you found something that I couldn't possibly have seen.

[559] You don't know what I've seen.

[560] I don't know what you've seen.

[561] And as soon as you tell me that you know I haven't seen something that you've seen, I know you're an idiot.

[562] Yeah, exactly.

[563] And don't share to one of your...

[564] Idols, the first moment you meet them.

[565] Work it through.

[566] Talk to your parents about it first.

[567] Maybe your guidance counselors.

[568] They greenlight it, then approach your favorite celebrity.

[569] But don't go right to your celebrity with your crazy manifestos.

[570] Well, it was weird because he was telling me that he was a researcher.

[571] Yeah, where there's a movie, The Right, that is on Sam's little TV thing on his...

[572] in his seat and it's uh this terrible anthony hopkins movie about exorcisms which i think has been done to death man do we need another goddamn exorcism movie it's done he is in thor though i am interested in seeing that i don't know why hopkins is in thor yeah he plays thor's dad or super thor yeah thor looks pretty badass I'm down for all good comic book movies, but I even enjoyed the several versions of The Incredible Hulk.

[573] I liked all of them.

[574] Yeah, I did like all of them.

[575] I just couldn't understand why they couldn't get Hulk to look real.

[576] You know, like Peter Jackson made all those animals and all those creatures in Lord of the Rings look so real.

[577] I always felt that was the one thing about the Hulk movie.

[578] Yeah, I did.

[579] Here's one thing I would really love.

[580] I'd love to see Quentin Tarantino do a comic book.

[581] Yeah.

[582] Like, I don't know why no one's ever...

[583] Even, like, James Bond or something.

[584] Like, how great would that be if you gave him someone like Ghost Rider and let him do a movie like that?

[585] Well, wasn't Kill Bill sort of a superhero?

[586] And it was phenomenal.

[587] Yeah.

[588] But I'd like it to take, like, a big -name comic book character.

[589] and just let him see what he can do with it.

[590] I think the thing with movies, with CGI, is that they can't quite do things that actually exist.

[591] They can do ogres, and they can do dragons, and they can do monsters, but you ever see when they try to do real animals, like dogs or lions?

[592] Like the famous scene in...

[593] The I Am Legend movie, where Wolf Smith comes upon the lions after they killed the deer.

[594] They look so fake.

[595] 100%.

[596] Why can Peter Jackson make it look, oh, that's what you're saying, that there's no real dragons out there, so you have nothing compared?

[597] I got you.

[598] Yeah, you can make a dragon look like, you know, okay, if you didn't know what a real dragon looked like, okay, I guess that's what a dragon's like.

[599] But your mind can see a wolf in a movie that's not a real wolf, and you go, what kind of stupid shit is this?

[600] You're filling the blanks.

[601] Do you ever hear the theory that the Native Americans couldn't see the boats of Columbus at first because they'd never seen anything like it?

[602] Yeah, that's a stupid theory.

[603] That theory's completely retarded.

[604] You know why?

[605] That theory's been discredited.

[606] That's like from the...

[607] What is that movie?

[608] It's all about...

[609] Fuck.

[610] No, Harry Met Sally.

[611] No, that cult.

[612] Ramtha.

[613] Through the rabbit hole.

[614] It's a fucking...

[615] What is that movie, man?

[616] I have no clue, dude.

[617] You know what I'm talking about, man. I'm drawing blanks.

[618] If you can't remember, how am I supposed to read it?

[619] Oh, my God.

[620] I can see the font that the movie title is written in.

[621] That's what happens when you get three hours sleep and you hop on a plane.

[622] You get 30 ,000 feet up in the air.

[623] I'm big in the fonts, by the way.

[624] You know, the movie that's all based on quantum mechanics.

[625] It's not the secret.

[626] It's fucking through the rabbit hole, whatever.

[627] Anyway, that's what that theory that people bounce around is based on.

[628] But it's a ridiculous theory because the eye can see things it hasn't seen before.

[629] Otherwise, you'd be completely blind because at some point in your life, everything you see for the first time, it's a stupid thing.

[630] The idea is that you have no point of reference so they can't see boats.

[631] That's stupid.

[632] I know the movie you're talking about.

[633] about positive thinking and energy and all that stuff yeah well it isn't the secret you're right it's something else oh this drives me nuts and people right now on twitter and people right now that are listening to this podcast are screaming out the answer through the looking hole the rabbit hole What in the bleep do we know?

[634] Thank you.

[635] That's it.

[636] What in the bleep do we know?

[637] I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

[638] It took so long to come to this conclusion, but there's a man in the aisle with a gay purple shirt, and he's talking about some stupid shit, and he's driving me crazy.

[639] That's one of the reasons why I can't really concentrate.

[640] Mozart's haircut.

[641] Mozart mixed with David Icke.

[642] He's like, if Mozart was on a bowling team.

[643] Anyway, that's with this idea that people couldn't see, the American Indians couldn't see boats.

[644] That's so stupid.

[645] Because the first time you ever saw a car, you'd be like, what?

[646] I can't see it.

[647] Where is it?

[648] You know, it's a dumb...

[649] It's like the first time I ever saw a midget.

[650] It was in the safety dance video.

[651] And I immediately knew it was something different.

[652] So you're totally right.

[653] I'd never seen a midget at that point.

[654] So I shouldn't have recognized it.

[655] So you're totally right.

[656] That was the first time you ever saw a midget?

[657] Ever in my life.

[658] I remember watching going, what is that?

[659] I've never seen a person that small before.

[660] You know, I had this conversation with Tom Segura, and I love Tom Segura, and I think he's hilarious, but he's got this whole bit in his act where he shits on midgets.

[661] And it always kind of bums me out, because I'm like, you know, I don't like shitting on anybody for anything that they have no control over.

[662] You know, like, if you're fat, most of the time it's because you ate too much.

[663] Right.

[664] But if you're a midget, like, come on, man. That's just a terrible roll of the dice genetically.

[665] They're very sensitive to it.

[666] Someone was telling me a story one time about how they were headlining a comedy club where they were featuring.

[667] A midget was having a birthday.

[668] Should we say little people?

[669] I mean, we're getting sensitive here.

[670] But one of the little people were having a birthday, and the comic was just going at him.

[671] And at the end, the guy's crying.

[672] He's like, I get this all the time.

[673] I can't even get this on my birthday.

[674] I'm totally with you.

[675] We did something on my TV show on Spike.

[676] We were taking on little people in basketball.

[677] And I made fun of him.

[678] And afterwards, I felt really bad.

[679] Because it's just like, you know, that's a really rough way to go through life, even though midgets work 100 % in Hollywood.

[680] Out of anybody of any group, they work 100%.

[681] There's never...

[682] Everyone I know, he'll walk...

[683] Oh, man, I saw you on that TV show.

[684] I saw you on that movie.

[685] Every midget I know works a shitload.

[686] Do you think it all started with The Wizard of Oz?

[687] Oh, yeah.

[688] That's where it started.

[689] That's their magnum opus.

[690] That's the beginning.

[691] Yeah, every comic on TV has a midget sidekick at some point.

[692] No, only Mencia.

[693] No, Chelsea Handler does.

[694] She has a midget.

[695] Yeah, I don't even know his name, like Cisco or Rancho or something like that.

[696] He's like, yeah, he's got a little mustache, and he goes on tour with her, and he probably gets laid, dude.

[697] They get laid, Brad Williams get laid, dude.

[698] Women have these weird, guys have fetishes, women have fetishes.

[699] Do you remember that show, Surreal Life, when What's -His -Face, Mini -Me went on it?

[700] Little Fist of Fury?

[701] That's his nickname, you know that?

[702] When he hooks up with chicks, he gives them the five -finger death punch.

[703] What Sam is trying to insinuate is that instead of using his penis, he actually uses a small arm, which becomes a giant dick with fingers on the end of it.

[704] That's got to be the ultimate tickler.

[705] Get inside there and just work his little magic.

[706] Apparently women love it.

[707] Apparently it just rocks their socks.

[708] Oh, yeah.

[709] I met the girl who did the porno tape with him.

[710] I met her, too.

[711] She came to Sal's Comedy Hall.

[712] Apparently, she's a comic.

[713] Yeah, and she's actually a very nice person, man. I'm like, why would you do that for?

[714] And she tried to give me the whole story that he wanted to put out or someone else wanted to put out.

[715] I go, I know how that stuff works.

[716] That video doesn't get put out unless everybody in the video wants to be put out.

[717] And the fact that it didn't come out is because Mini -Me didn't want it out.

[718] She was the one trying to push it.

[719] Is that the case with, like, all those porns that get released?

[720] This guy's putting his hand on your seat.

[721] Is that the case with all those movies that get released?

[722] Is that everyone has to sign off?

[723] Kim Kardashian's Paris Hilton did reshoots.

[724] What?

[725] Yeah.

[726] We had Kevin Blatt on my podcast, and he's the guy.

[727] The Naughty Show podcast, available on DeathSquad .tv.

[728] And iTunes.

[729] Yeah, they went back and they did reshoots.

[730] The word is that Kim Kardashian's mom told her that she should do...

[731] They were best friends with Paris Hilton.

[732] They saw what it did for her TV show.

[733] And she's like, you should try doing that.

[734] And they just...

[735] No soul, man. No soul.

[736] Put your hand up.

[737] Take your seat back.

[738] I'm good, dude.

[739] I don't want conflict.

[740] Dude, the guy looks like he fights Bruce Willis.

[741] You know what I'm saying?

[742] Die Hard 7?

[743] Die Hard 7, Air Canada.

[744] You know what I'm saying?

[745] So back to this girl who had sex with a mini -me.

[746] She was at the Sal's Comedy Hall, and she's lost.

[747] She's got that Hollywood, took a wrong turn, look where I am now.

[748] It was long before Hollywood.

[749] You see it in her eyes.

[750] She's the nicest girl, though, man. Just some people want something so badly they get back, like all the stuff that happened in their childhood and stuff like that.

[751] You know, they want to.

[752] That's why I'm full of L .A. is full of everybody who was on the yearbook staff and shit like that.

[753] And they want revenge upon those who hurt them in high school.

[754] Who is, what's in the, say that again?

[755] I always feel that L .A. is full of everybody who was on the yearbook staff.

[756] Do you know what I'm saying?

[757] Like, these kind of nerdy people who just, like, come to L .A. and they just, they want to get this power to strike back at those who remind them of, like, who wouldn't date them in high school or fuck their boyfriends in high school and all that stuff, so.

[758] I was finding it just so interesting.

[759] She's probably one of those people who just probably didn't have a lot of love in high school and then suddenly fucking...

[760] Now she's trying to make it big so she can exact revenge upon.

[761] So was it her idea to release this tape and Mini -Me said no?

[762] Yeah, he fought it.

[763] He went to court.

[764] He didn't want it out.

[765] So is it available?

[766] Can you see it on the internet?

[767] I don't think so.

[768] Wow.

[769] I don't think that one's available and I think there's another one that wasn't available.

[770] But then there was that chick...

[771] That one playmate who's one of the twins who did one with one of the guys on Blue Mountain on Spike TV, a brother, and they said that one was like really graphic.

[772] Really?

[773] Yeah.

[774] Graphic like how?

[775] Like really dirty.

[776] Like in the butt?

[777] Like hardcore shit.

[778] Yeah, like what kind of hardcore shit?

[779] I didn't see it.

[780] I don't like those tapes.

[781] No?

[782] I like professional shit.

[783] Well, you work with professionals.

[784] The Naughty Show podcast is...

[785] You had Jenna Hayes on the other day.

[786] How many different girls have you had?

[787] You had Dana D 'Armand.

[788] Yeah, we've had like 10 of them now because it's only like 20, 18.

[789] I think we've done 18 now podcasts.

[790] So we've had about 10 girls on.

[791] I try to mix it up.

[792] I try to do like comics and adult film stars.

[793] And I eventually want to get into fetish stuff, like just explore all like.

[794] take a light to the dark corners of all the weird stuff, because I just love to find, I love interviewing people, one.

[795] Dude, I was in Austin, and I went to, I was there for a UFC, and I went to see Jimmy Norton, he was at Cap City Comedy Club, and Jimmy and I, and Club Soda Kenny, and who was with me?

[796] I forget who else.

[797] Oh, my friend Chris.

[798] We all went out to eat after the show, and there was a girl that was at the table next to us, and she asked for a photograph with me, and she was an amateur MMA fighter.

[799] So we start talking, and...

[800] Jimmy says something funny, and he says, pardon me, madam.

[801] And she goes, huh, so funny that you called me madam.

[802] And he says, why is that so funny?

[803] She goes, well, because I am a madam.

[804] And so Jimmy has been, you know, Jimmy Norton is a complete, total pervert, you know, like unabashed.

[805] fully revealed.

[806] I hooked up with her.

[807] There was something about he, like, getting spit in her mouth and stuff.

[808] He wanted her to spit in his mouth.

[809] Oh, yeah, he's into everything.

[810] Urine, logs, dropping logs on his chest.

[811] All sober, too.

[812] That's the craziest thing.

[813] Oh, yeah.

[814] He's just in that moment of that craziness.

[815] Yeah, he's been sober since he was a young teenager.

[816] You know, he had a real problem with drugs and alcohol when he was really young and realized, whoa, this stuff's not for me. I don't want to be a loser.

[817] And so he stopped everything.

[818] Everything, I think at like 19.

[819] So, you know, now here he is.

[820] He's like 42 and just a perv, just a super perv.

[821] So he was so delighted that this girl was a dominatrix because he's been to a bunch of them and he used to date one.

[822] He used to date a girl who was a dominatrix.

[823] I never got into that stuff, like the whippings and all that stuff.

[824] I had like the top fetish S &M girl in the Naughty Show live show.

[825] Got his Soma.

[826] And that crew was an awesome, crazy, weird -looking crew, man. And she came in, and my friend Brian Jarvis, who's, like, one of the funniest dudes you'll ever...

[827] He's right up there with Coco Diaz, like, in terms of, like, in the moment, spontaneity.

[828] And, um, dude, he didn't tell me she was going to do this to him, but I had him come dressed like a gimp.

[829] And we kind of played it off, like, when, like, Johnny Carson would have the wild animals on.

[830] And like, you know, the zoo trainer would explain and then the wild animals would walk around and start playing with Johnny's hair and all that stuff.

[831] We kind of did it with a little gimp, like we kind of played like that.

[832] And she turned him around and she starts whipping his back.

[833] And he's totally into it, but he just went with it because he's a great character actor and stuff like that.

[834] So he wasn't totally into it, you mean?

[835] No, afterwards, he wasn't mad at me, but he's like, you motherfucker.

[836] And she totally whipped him, and the crowd was...

[837] Like, hurt him?

[838] Like, hard?

[839] No, no, no, there was no marks.

[840] But it was like this weird whipping...

[841] kind of like windmill thing she used to do.

[842] Sam is making this motion like he's using two hands at the same time, like he's beating a drum.

[843] I don't know how to explain it, but it was a whipping thing.

[844] It wasn't like Indiana Jones and the Temple.

[845] So was it a long whip or was it one of those things with a bunch of little frilly things in the end?

[846] A bunch of little frilly things.

[847] And she just got this kind of like...

[848] It was just mild pain.

[849] Yeah, but she was...

[850] She was doing it.

[851] You could see.

[852] He was just like, yeah.

[853] Afterwards, he's like, you motherfucker.

[854] I don't get all that stuff, man. I don't either.

[855] When Norton was talking to the girl, it was so strange because they went into that weird language of sub and dom, and they started talking in acronyms about different things that they allow and don't allow.

[856] You know, and, you know, they didn't, she didn't say, he didn't say water sports.

[857] Like, they had another word for it, and she knew, and they went back and forth.

[858] And I'm like, Jesus, fuck, man, how many times?

[859] So Norton winds up getting her number, and, you know, he wants to arrange a session.

[860] But apparently he never did for whatever reason.

[861] But it was so interesting listening to the two of them talk.

[862] He probably likes to get peed on.

[863] I've been peed on once.

[864] Have you been?

[865] Yeah, that's a very funny story.

[866] I actually got peed on by the girl.

[867] who ended up being Hannah Montana's double, body double.

[868] If you ever watch, I think it's either MTV Awards or Kids' Choice Awards, where Hannah Montana, everyone thinks she's singing on stage, and she runs down this thing, and then the camera turns, and that's where Miley Cyrus really is, sitting there.

[869] Well, the girl who ran down, that's the girl, was based on a bet that we had if she would do it or not.

[870] She tried to do it at the comedy store, but there was too many people watching because it was just like, almost like fear factor.

[871] I dared her to do it.

[872] So then I'm like, well, why don't you come back to my place and try it?

[873] She's like, I really want to pee on you.

[874] I'm like, well, come back to my house and try it.

[875] And twice and tries.

[876] So she came back.

[877] It's difficult.

[878] And she eventually did it.

[879] It was great.

[880] So then we got up, and I'm like, okay, take your clothes off.

[881] My bed's over there.

[882] She's like, we're going to have sex?

[883] I'm like, yeah.

[884] What, are you just going to come in here and piss on me and hit the road?

[885] What, am I a port -a -potty?

[886] So did you have sex with her?

[887] Oh, yeah, I lit her up.

[888] So explain to me how it went down.

[889] You say, did you go in the tub?

[890] Did you take off your clothes?

[891] Yeah, we went in the tub.

[892] She peed on me. Then we went into my room, and I just fucking lit it up.

[893] And it was so funny.

[894] Condom, no condom?

[895] I condom it.

[896] Good for you.

[897] Yeah, I'm a condom guy.

[898] You got it when a girl pees on you.

[899] Yeah.

[900] Just out of respect.

[901] But then the next day, like a couple days later, a couple weeks later, I saw her and she looked like Miley Cyrus.

[902] I go, you know, you look exactly like, first of all, like when you see her after that, you've got to like really let a girl know.

[903] It's cool, man. Listen, I'm not going to run around telling you.

[904] Here I am.

[905] Only 400 ,000 people on a podcast.

[906] No big deal.

[907] Yo, bro, we're only number two on iTunes right now.

[908] Okay, so I got an enemy now.

[909] I am a very powerful body double.

[910] You didn't say the name.

[911] No one's going to find out who she is unless they go on the IMDB and then it's readily available.

[912] Okay.

[913] This is all based on a true event, but the characters are different.

[914] Yeah, we altered.

[915] It wasn't really Miley Cyrus.

[916] Yeah, it was Lindsay Lohan's body double.

[917] Alicia Silverstone.

[918] Yeah, there we go.

[919] Whatever happened to her?

[920] I don't know.

[921] That's the weirdest thing.

[922] I don't know where I even came up with that reference.

[923] Yeah, I was like, wow, that's an interesting reference right there.

[924] I don't know.

[925] Somehow she had some stuff going, and then it disappeared.

[926] Heather Graham's like that, too.

[927] She had that small role in The Hangover, but you've got to think about when she did Austin Powers.

[928] She's pretty powerful at that moment.

[929] Yeah, who knows?

[930] Who knows, man?

[931] Being a chick in Hollywood is the most transient thing in the world.

[932] Because there's always a new model coming out.

[933] Like, you would be hot, and then, you know, two years later, there's 3 .0 coming out.

[934] There's only, like, one or two Julia Roberts.

[935] You know, there's, like, Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts.

[936] Angelina Jolie is a great example of that.

[937] They just keep churning out new models of her, like, you know, Angelina Jolie, then it was Megan Fox, and then there'll just be another one right after that.

[938] There's a magazine that I keep in my bathroom.

[939] Just for a goof, from 2003, we went to Brazil, and actually Bruce Buffer gave me the magazine.

[940] Would you like to read this?

[941] I read it.

[942] It's really good.

[943] One of the biggest delights of the UFC was being able to watch Buffer.

[944] Introduce fighters.

[945] You probably see it all the time, but because in pay -per -view, you know, when he's introducing them, they're showing the fighters, so you never get to see him.

[946] And, like, watching him just, he's almost in their faces, screaming their credits at them.

[947] Just so excited.

[948] Face like a plum.

[949] Just yelling as loud as he can at their faces.

[950] Like, the greatest hype man. Ever.

[951] Ever.

[952] He's the greatest ring announcer by far.

[953] There's not even a close second.

[954] I was really, like, blown away by how awesome he is at it.

[955] He's so into it, and it gets you hyped.

[956] You're like, yeah.

[957] If you haven't seen it, if you want to appreciate this, what you've got to do is go online and look up the Buffer 360.

[958] It's on my YouTube page, and it's a video that Brian Redband made of what we talked.

[959] Bruce Buffer into doing a 360 360 degree rotation when he introduced Brock Lesnar at UFC 100 and We made an awesome video about it and you could check it out on YouTube Yeah, you have to see it to truly appreciate how animated especially if you're not an MMA fan to appreciate how crazy and animated this guy is I was really blown away man. It really hypes the fight.

[960] He's awesome He loves it.

[961] He's so yeah, he blew his knee out He blew his knee out.

[962] He could just sit there and be like, hey, this guy, he used to be a lightweight champion.

[963] This guy, good luck.

[964] He's one of the few ring announcers that actually adds to it.

[965] He really does add to the event.

[966] There's many times where he does it, and I just look at Goldberg, and I go, that guy's the best.

[967] He's the best.

[968] The best ever.

[969] I would never have known that before this fight.

[970] And where I was sitting, I could really feel his energy, and it was just like, he's an animal.

[971] Yeah, I was pretty impressed.

[972] He so commits to it.

[973] So anyway, we were on our way to Brazil, and we're...

[974] We were on the same flight, and Bruce gave me this Maxim magazine.

[975] And on the cover of it is the woman who was in, I guess it was Terminator 3.

[976] Gorgeous chick.

[977] And it was like, you know, she was the female Terminator.

[978] She was the new model.

[979] The blonde chick.

[980] And they were like, the next hot thing.

[981] And so there's this article.

[982] They're interviewing her about all the projects she's got coming up.

[983] And, you know, she's going to, Hollywood's not going to get rid of me. I'm around for a long time.

[984] She's on one of those lots of moxie.

[985] I'm out there making movies, and I'm going to be a star.

[986] Gone.

[987] vanished, disappeared.

[988] Who was the chick on Baywatch that was on Charles in Charge and she went to Baywatch and you just never hear from her anymore?

[989] I don't know, there's so many of them.

[990] I've done so many TV shows with so many girls.

[991] promising and looking forward to the future.

[992] I mean, that's why they wind up marrying rich guys.

[993] I mean, so many of them just bail out of the game.

[994] The stress is unbearable, and you almost have to become, like, this crazy, super ambitious sort of a monster to fucking make it through the machine.

[995] That's why, you know, women like Jennifer Aniston are 40 -something with no kids still and, you know, not knowing where all their eggs went, because they got caught up in that machine, you know, and they forget to be a human.

[996] And sometimes it gets to them, they get very depressed because they buy into the, you know, sometimes they buy into the whole it's career first, family second.

[997] And, you know, they go for that.

[998] And then, you know, at a certain time it's like they're 35 and they're like, uh, what have I done?

[999] And then, you know, the clock's ticking and you see this mad scramble to get family and all that stuff.

[1000] I've met so many girls like that, man, that are 36, and they're like, should I freeze my eggs?

[1001] What should I do?

[1002] It's such a weird thing, man. The drive and the ambition to become famous and to become a part.

[1003] And sometimes it's not even what they really want.

[1004] They just think they want it because they don't have it, because it's out of their reach.

[1005] And it seems like when, you know, with human nature, like to pay attention to the alpha is normal.

[1006] The one person that gets the attention, the tribe leader, it's like a natural.

[1007] natural instinct we have because the one person that's older and wiser and has accomplished more, well, you can learn from that person.

[1008] So we have this inclination, this instinct to follow the alpha.

[1009] But when they put someone on television, it really bypasses all of your natural systems and gets you convinced that that person's the alpha.

[1010] Even though that person is an idiot, they have a spotlight on them and there's cameras and everyone's paying attention to them.

[1011] I've seen it on movie sets.

[1012] I've seen it on television sets.

[1013] It's the reason why so many actors get huge egos.

[1014] I felt it myself.

[1015] I felt it myself on Fear Friction.

[1016] I never acted on it.

[1017] I assessed that area of my personality and went, wow, that's stupid.

[1018] Why am I thinking that I'm a hot shit?

[1019] I tried not to.

[1020] I never acted on it, but there's a certain point when you show up and everyone's kissing your ass like, yeah, I must be the shit.

[1021] Then I'd be like, whoa, whoa, no, I'm not.

[1022] No, no, stop.

[1023] I'm just a guy in front of a camera.

[1024] This is ridiculous.

[1025] The only reason why I'm here is I got lucky.

[1026] You've got to put it all in perspective, but the natural feeling of all these people that are around you is to kind of kiss your ass.

[1027] And if you're a dumb person, that's very intoxicating.

[1028] You can get confused.

[1029] You start believing it.

[1030] You start believing that that is...

[1031] It's kind of like when you meet a comedian who...

[1032] thinks they're a tough guy because they're funny on stage and you're like yeah you're funny but i'll blast you right in the face and you'll fucking cry i mean i've been in fights bro you know it's like you're bad on stage but that's not who you are off stage there's also this thing on stage where there's a sort of a bravado to try to keep the crowd on their heels as if you know yo you guys better back the fuck up because i'm here now and i'm like all the others i'm different i'm not like them you know it's like it's like they're almost like a it's a preemptive strike to try to like get people to respect them because you know every time you go on stage people are judging you and look so some some dudes do sort of a take that sort of a fake tough guy stance yeah it's very it's very obnoxious i've seen a couple people who have uh you know have quote unquote made it and they just are known for being the biggest dicks i just i i never understood that like who out somebody I don't want to.

[1033] Come on, call him out.

[1034] Come on, one.

[1035] Give me one.

[1036] I've heard nothing but bad things about the Aziz Azari kid, man. Really?

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] I met him once, and he was very nice.

[1039] I don't know him.

[1040] I mean, I only met him at the improv.

[1041] I said hi.

[1042] He said hi back.

[1043] But I have heard bad things about him as well.

[1044] It just makes no sense.

[1045] You've been blessed to make it.

[1046] I've just heard him.

[1047] Maybe tomorrow I'll hear the nice stories about him too, but I've just heard instant after instance where it's like.

[1048] Sometimes you also hear those stories from people that are insecure and that are jealous, and they see the kid, all of a sudden he's blowing up, and they hate on him.

[1049] I see that a lot.

[1050] For me, it's like I see that a lot with people.

[1051] People feel that way sometimes with someone like a Whitney Cummings, who is like they don't know why this is happening.

[1052] Me personally, I've always had a really great relationship with her, and she works.

[1053] She's always worked hard.

[1054] She's done everything she can.

[1055] She changed lifestyle, how she operates.

[1056] She works so hard.

[1057] What do you mean by she changed her lifestyle?

[1058] Every time I meet her, she's like, I've quit doing this, I've quit doing that, I don't drink, I don't do that, I don't drink coffee.

[1059] She's constantly doing whatever it takes to make herself more confident in what she's doing.

[1060] I'm someone who can't always do that.

[1061] When I see someone do that, I think that's very empowering.

[1062] I have a lot of respect for her.

[1063] I don't know her.

[1064] I've never met her.

[1065] Honestly, I don't know what she looks like.

[1066] I know her name.

[1067] I don't know any of her jokes.

[1068] I know nothing about her.

[1069] So for someone like me, tell me, what is the knock on her?

[1070] I think there's just some people that just don't know why it's happening.

[1071] She's becoming popular.

[1072] Yeah.

[1073] You know what they're really saying is, why isn't that me?

[1074] Oh, I see that all the time.

[1075] When they're saying, when they see someone's popular, they're like, why is she making it?

[1076] They're not really saying, why is she making it?

[1077] They're saying, why am I not making it?

[1078] That's what they're really saying.

[1079] And I see why she's making it.

[1080] I mean, I watch her.

[1081] I've watched her do stand -up now, you know, at the comedy store.

[1082] She goes up way early.

[1083] I'm a late -night rumbler.

[1084] But, you know, it's like, I see her go up after some animals, and she doesn't flinch, and she does her act.

[1085] I have a lot of respect for that.

[1086] It goes back to kind of what you're saying.

[1087] Some people need to accept that someone's going to make it.

[1088] Someone's going to make it, man. Not everyone's going to make it.

[1089] There's degrees of making it, and it's like happiness.

[1090] Are you happy with what you're doing?

[1091] That's a terrible thing when people get upset and jealous of someone else making it, and somehow they feel like it's a slight against them.

[1092] I remember one time when Bobby Lee got mad TV, and I was so happy for him.

[1093] And he's like, why are you so happy?

[1094] I go, you know, things start happening for you, man. Maybe, you know, things start happening for me. It's like, what's good for you is good for me. I was really happy when, because for the first couple years, like, when I came to L .A., you were already, you know, on your way up, so you were already in.

[1095] But for the longest time in L .A., like, I didn't see anybody in my class or even just starting to blow up.

[1096] You know, they were still holding on to those 80s and 90s comics that were kind of trying to control the whole thing.

[1097] And I didn't see anybody hitting.

[1098] And I think the first one they hit was, I want to say Dane Cook, but I don't even think it was him.

[1099] He wasn't in your class.

[1100] He was in my class.

[1101] I think B .J. Novak was the first one.

[1102] Who's that?

[1103] The guy he helped co -write The American Office.

[1104] He's a funny cat.

[1105] You know, he's a little younger than me, but he's the first one of my kind of class.

[1106] That is an important one.

[1107] point though because when someone is in your group and they make it it's almost like oh there's hope New people are making it.

[1108] That's totally how I saw it.

[1109] When you've got nothing going on and you're struggling to pay your bills, then all of a sudden someone lands a movie or lands a TV show or their special takes off.

[1110] You get a certain part of you, if you're healthy, gets hope because you say, okay, new people are becoming famous.

[1111] 100%, man. Because the way the machine works, they'll just keep going to the same people.

[1112] Keep going to the well over and over again.

[1113] And they just don't stop.

[1114] And you're like, oh, what about money?

[1115] Nice shot.

[1116] And when you see the new people starting to trickle up, it's very cool.

[1117] Well, Sam, you've always been a super cool dude.

[1118] And you're not jealous at all.

[1119] I've never seen you be jealous or negative or have a distorted point of view about anybody.

[1120] That's why you have this thing with Bobby where you were like, you know, I'm happy, man. I'm happy for you.

[1121] You're that dude.

[1122] But that's rare, you know, especially amongst insecure comedians.

[1123] It's so often that it's the other way, you know, that they see someone become successful and they got jealous.

[1124] I went through that with Mark Maron, man. I did his podcast, and, you know, he kind of copped to it.

[1125] We had this whole discussion about how it just kind of fucked with his head that I had only been doing comedy for a few years, and all of a sudden I was on TV, and he was, you know, he couldn't sell out clubs, and it was just, it was a really, you know.

[1126] There is a degree of that, too, but there's also sometimes when some comics are so competitive and nasty that they do whatever they...

[1127] can to make it even including screwing other people on up and then when they get to where they they get to the top and they hear all this criticism they just blame it on like jealousy and that's really not it i mean like someone like you nick swartzen is someone who is at the top of the hill and i don't know one person who doesn't like that guy he's awesome i love that dude but you know what matt he's also this you know unthreatening character and super friendly and you know There is something to that.

[1128] And sometimes I think that people mistake my energy for cockiness.

[1129] And I see that sometimes in how people react to me. And, you know, it's the whole package.

[1130] It's like, you know, in comedy, sometimes you've got to find out what the crowd's willing to take from you, what they're not willing to take from you.

[1131] And your package is, you know, when Caporello walks up on stage, he looks like your newspaper boy.

[1132] He's not threatening.

[1133] And you also get a sense.

[1134] Gabriel Iglesias, same thing.

[1135] You know, this fluffy Mexican walks up in a Hawaiian shirt and stuff like that.

[1136] Sometimes I've always felt that, like, people, even on my podcast, they mistake my, like, energy for, like, cockiness and arrogance when it's really just enthusiasm for what I'm doing.

[1137] You know what I'm saying?

[1138] I think sometimes it's hurt me in the long run.

[1139] No, I don't think it has, man. I don't think it's hurt you at all.

[1140] I think it's only hurt you against douchebags.

[1141] You know, what you were talking about, about people doing a lot of things to fuck people over and stealing material and stuff.

[1142] We had been talking about that, you know, without an outing any of these new comics that are doing that.

[1143] There's a crop of comedians, three of them in particular, that are, you know, huge known joke thieves.

[1144] And, you know, they're fucking people over left and right.

[1145] And there's a big issue with it right now in the comedy community.

[1146] rumblings are out and everybody's seen it and they've talked to these guys and they've you know tried to get them to stop but there's a lot of these guys and in particular two of them are guys who used to open up for Mencia and used to open up for Dane and they're guys who kind of saw some unscrupulous behavior pay off.

[1147] It's almost like there was a conversation behind closed doors you know where it's just like this is how you do it and you know what it's business and Fuck them.

[1148] You know what?

[1149] I can do it better.

[1150] I mean, I've heard stories about that.

[1151] They take your jokes and they do it better.

[1152] Well, you know what?

[1153] Fuck you, man. That's not fucking cool at all.

[1154] That's the most ridiculous argument ever.

[1155] But you know what?

[1156] A lot of the audience says that.

[1157] When I had that video with Mencia, if you listen to that video, when I'm on stage and I'm saying to him, you steal jokes, a woman in the audience with a Mexican accent, I can't believe it.

[1158] She goes, he did it better.

[1159] He did it better.

[1160] You could hear that.

[1161] Somebody make that a ringtone.

[1162] He did it better.

[1163] He did it better.

[1164] That's every time you get a text message from some cunt that should say that.

[1165] He did it better.

[1166] It's like someone stealing your money and buying a nice car, and they're like, they spent it better.

[1167] You know, it's the same thing.

[1168] It's like someone stealing your car and driving by, and you're like, hey, that's my car.

[1169] And people are like, don't hate, he looks good.

[1170] He looks better in that car.

[1171] There is a group of people that no matter what kind of evidence you show them, they're never going to accept that what's really going on.

[1172] And, you know, it's like...

[1173] I felt like there was a little backlash against you in certain parts, not because they thought you were wrong, but there's so many people making money off of that machine that they get angry when you fucking try to sink that boat, and it fucking sucks.

[1174] And there are people like, well, that's not right.

[1175] I'm like...

[1176] Well, that was Maren.

[1177] There was a bunch of people.

[1178] I always tell them, look at the tape.

[1179] Look where Carlos is standing.

[1180] Look where Joe is standing.

[1181] It's pretty obvious who initiated it by positioning on stage.

[1182] You obviously had been on stage, came back off stage.

[1183] He's on stage calling you out.

[1184] I mean, it's obvious what's going on right there.

[1185] And you know what?

[1186] This is the fact.

[1187] There is a fucking sound, there's a word that is yelled when Carlos runs into the room so the comics know not to do their material.

[1188] I had one time sat there and almost pissed Steve Byrne off because I knew Carlos had just walked in the room and he was doing this.

[1189] Vince Vaughn was in the room and they're best friends and Steve went on the show, Vince, this new...

[1190] chunk of material he'd been working on and Carlos had just walked in and I saw Steve starting to go into it and I was just on the side of the car corner just like with fucking like flares it's just fucking no God he's like what and anyway he's like you ever notice I'm like don't do it don't do it and he just stops and all of a sudden he just starts going into another bit and I'm like okay cool so then he does his time he's like okay who's next and they're like Carlos Muncie and you just see him go You know, just like, thank you so much, because that would have been a joke that he would just jack right there.

[1191] It's a very easy premise to fucking jack.

[1192] So I was like, I didn't want him to do it.

[1193] And, you know, for me personally, I don't know if I've ever told you the story.

[1194] Did I tell you Carlos Bump of me and Addison?

[1195] I've never told you this story.

[1196] It was one of the, I got the headline, the Addison Improv.

[1197] Awesome club.

[1198] One of my favorites to play.

[1199] Dallas is just a great town, but that one is, Addison's phenomenal.

[1200] Got that side crazy dueling piano bar where you're like, people are really into this shit, but you sit there, you drink a little, you're like, this is badass, man. And they got all these crazy party people, like another, a great red state to party in.

[1201] Like, they have certain political views, and you're like, I don't even care personally.

[1202] It's like, but they love to party.

[1203] And so, anyways, I'm having fun the whole week.

[1204] The first time there, I get a standing O. I was like, wow, this is going to be a great week.

[1205] Well, Saturday night, there's three shows.

[1206] And after the first show, when the manager comes up to me, there's a chance Carlos might show up and want to do set.

[1207] I'm like...

[1208] I'm like, I can't even get away from him on the road.

[1209] The guy bumps me all the time at the comedy store.

[1210] And I know he does it on purpose.

[1211] What year is this?

[1212] This was, I'd say, a year and a half ago, maybe two.

[1213] Really?

[1214] Yeah.

[1215] So this is all after the fact.

[1216] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1217] Because what he would do, he's known for calling in and getting the lineup.

[1218] And he picks where he wants to go.

[1219] But what would happen was...

[1220] It's like if I knew he's on stage, I'd cancel.

[1221] If I knew I had to follow, I just don't want to, because there's no point in that.

[1222] So what he started doing was he would bump one before me, and it was always one before me for the longest time.

[1223] So I can never say, oh, he always bumps me. He always bumps the one person before me. He was doing it forever.

[1224] But anyways, I'm in Addison, and I'm just, I hope he doesn't show up.

[1225] And also Brad Williams comes doing that midget dance.

[1226] Like, hey, and you know that walk.

[1227] I'm like, Brad, oh, fuck, I think in my head.

[1228] And in comes the Mexican entourage.

[1229] And he's greeting everybody.

[1230] He won't even look me in the eye when he shakes my hand and introduces me to everybody.

[1231] He's like, I know they're listening, so they won't be able to see it, but he, like, shakes my hand, looks the other way as he says my name, and he leaves.

[1232] And I have this rule with anybody.

[1233] because I got burned by a feature once on the road.

[1234] So I have a rule.

[1235] If someone goes up for over 30 minutes before me, bumping or as a feature, I don't go up because that's a headlining.

[1236] If you go up, they know it's you, but I'm not at that level.

[1237] So if a guy goes up, they start getting headliner mode.

[1238] That's the crowd.

[1239] So I go, if he does over 30 minutes, I'm not going on stage.

[1240] And they go, okay.

[1241] So he goes up.

[1242] 27 minutes, he ends his set.

[1243] I'm like, okay, let's fucking do this.

[1244] So he goes, you guys have been great.

[1245] And he's trying to bury me. If you ever listen to Marin's podcast where he talks about trying to teach people lessons, he's trying to teach me lessons.

[1246] Isn't that funny?

[1247] Teach people lessons.

[1248] He's trying to teach me a lesson because he is dropping everything he can.

[1249] He's like, you guys have been a great crowd.

[1250] Place goes fucking nuts.

[1251] And they go, are you ready for your headliner?

[1252] He goes, are you ready for your headliner?

[1253] And the whole room goes, oh.

[1254] And I'm like, fuck.

[1255] And then my, they gasp like, oh no. Yeah, like someone's got to follow this.

[1256] And literally, I just get tunnel vision, dude.

[1257] I'm like, I'm the loneliest human being on the planet right now.

[1258] I have to follow this dude in Texas.

[1259] Shit's going to be weird.

[1260] This is why I can't stand the guy.

[1261] And I'm civil to him when I see him.

[1262] He introduces me, man, and I've never seen anyone do this.

[1263] He runs off stage.

[1264] Imagine if I was bringing you on stage and I didn't even wait to shake your hand, and I just ran off and left the stage empty.

[1265] Oh, that's on purpose for sure.

[1266] That's to try to leave you lonely and uncomfortable when you go up there, to make it less fun for you.

[1267] I've never seen somebody run off stage like that before.

[1268] He leaves it empty, and I just go up on stage.

[1269] And I have this joke I do when I file a really big name crushing it.

[1270] And I just dropped it.

[1271] And the place just goes, boom!

[1272] What's the joke?

[1273] It's not the greatest joke in the world, but people think it's funny.

[1274] It's just like, oh, great, I've got to follow fucking Carlos in Texas.

[1275] Great.

[1276] I should go to my gig next week.

[1277] I'm following the fucking Pope at the Vatican.

[1278] And it's not great, but the people fucking love it.

[1279] And they just go, boom!

[1280] And I swear to God, like the crowd just said, we're going to fucking do this.

[1281] It was the greatest.

[1282] Maybe it was just all in your head.

[1283] Maybe they weren't worried about you following this guy at all.

[1284] They just thought he was funny.

[1285] Really?

[1286] Maybe.

[1287] That's possible.

[1288] But maybe they're just there to see comedy.

[1289] 45 minutes of just fucking crushing, dude.

[1290] Of course, I'm a fucking knucklehead.

[1291] I get off stage.

[1292] I go to the bar.

[1293] Everybody's like, you fucking rocked that shit.

[1294] We knew you could do a high five.

[1295] Buy me a shot.

[1296] Final show.

[1297] Fucking drunk off my ass.

[1298] I got through it, man, but it wasn't my brightest moment.

[1299] Did he go up on that show too or just the one show?

[1300] Just that one show.

[1301] So you got full of yourself and then the final show you kind of ate a dick?

[1302] It's hard for me to refuse shots.

[1303] It's kind of my problem in my life, so just doing shots.

[1304] Alcohol is the enemy of comedy after a certain point.

[1305] Oh, 100%.

[1306] Well, no, I know that.

[1307] I like to have a beer.

[1308] I don't even need to drink before I go up.

[1309] I just like to have a beverage once in a while.

[1310] And it's just like, yeah.

[1311] A drink is good.

[1312] A drink loosens you up.

[1313] A couple hits of weed loosens you up.

[1314] But too stoned or too drunk, never good.

[1315] Too stoned is way easier than too drunk, though.

[1316] Because I can get too stoned and then get into this zen mode like I was when we were on stage at Clan Destiny, the pot club in Toronto.

[1317] I was hearing the words come out of my mouth and going, oh, yeah, that's me saying those things, not having a clue as to what I was saying.

[1318] I didn't deviate from my material at all.

[1319] I didn't think I could.

[1320] The only time I deviated was I went on this rant about no oxygen in the room and that all the candles were only lit on promises, that they had had a conversation with the pot.

[1321] I was like, dude, we'll get you some air.

[1322] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1323] Yeah, I record all my sets.

[1324] With this iPhone, the same phone that I'm using right here for the podcast, this fucking thing's amazing, man. All the podcasts on the planes, people go, what kind of equipment do you use?

[1325] iPhone, that's it.

[1326] I've thought about bringing more expensive equipment, but look, we've got fucking David Icke with his purple bowling shirt on the aisle.

[1327] He was talking through half this thing.

[1328] I know I'm going to get feedback from this podcast.

[1329] I hear that guy in the background.

[1330] He's annoying.

[1331] Yeah, man. Dude, I get feedback from sipping coffee on my podcast.

[1332] It's so funny how my comments on the podcast, like on my message board, there's so many message board members that there's invariably going to be...

[1333] be a certain percentage of them that are douchebags, but they will criticize and critique every last second.

[1334] Yeah, it's a weird thing because it's anonymous too.

[1335] They can just say whatever they want.

[1336] Well, they also hate when you talk about comedy.

[1337] Oh, they're talking about comedy.

[1338] Z, Z, Z. Boring.

[1339] People want you to talk about what they think is interesting only.

[1340] And you've got to understand that with a podcast, a podcast is a conversation.

[1341] And you may like it and you may not.

[1342] But it's free.

[1343] And enjoy it if you do.

[1344] And if not, hey.

[1345] I do not understand why people who don't like something continue to listen.

[1346] I watch television for two minutes.

[1347] If I'm not into it, I change the channel.

[1348] That said, though.

[1349] I've gotten a lot of good critiquing and good criticism many times.

[1350] If there's a validity to what they're saying, I am not a budge above criticism.

[1351] I actually like constructive criticism.

[1352] Even when someone's being super negative, if they've got a point, even if you don't agree with that point, or even if they're only slightly correct and they've exaggerated it, it can actually benefit you.

[1353] Douchebacks can benefit you.

[1354] I really do believe that.

[1355] I feel like when they get nasty.

[1356] I've had guests on my podcast, and they just said nasty.

[1357] shit.

[1358] I'm like, there's no, nothing.

[1359] Like who?

[1360] Like if you go on the U stream, one of the girls who was on it, she's a pole dancer in my show.

[1361] So one guy just wrote the nastiest fucking thing about her.

[1362] And I'm just like, what is the point of that?

[1363] Calling her like these dirty, filthy words.

[1364] I'm like, there's no point to that.

[1365] You're not doing anything constructive.

[1366] Well, there's a lot of people out there that are totally unbalanced.

[1367] And that's really what it is.

[1368] I mean, that whole, the expression balanced or unbalanced.

[1369] Can I get another glass of water, please?

[1370] Thank you.

[1371] What's your name, brother?

[1372] Matt, Matt, say hi to the people on the podcast.

[1373] Hey.

[1374] It's like 400 ,000 people listening.

[1375] Matt on Air Canada.

[1376] Everyone fly Air Canada.

[1377] We're the best in North America for a reason.

[1378] Matt is very cool.

[1379] He's been taking care of us all flight.

[1380] Thank you very much, Matt.

[1381] Matt's a nice guy.

[1382] What were we just talking about?

[1383] That's the gayest guy in the history of the world, by the way.

[1384] Ever.

[1385] But the nicest guy.

[1386] Elton John looks at that guy and goes, God damn, he gay.

[1387] You cannot meet Matt and say he chose to be like that.

[1388] Yeah, exactly.

[1389] Anybody who's a hater.

[1390] But I want to ask you, speaking of hearing people talking, last night at the fight, I was watching when Jake Shields was fighting, and his corner had Gilbert Melendez.

[1391] Strike Force, lightweight champion.

[1392] And he was shouting out instructions, but can he hear them?

[1393] Because I felt like I was equal distance from him.

[1394] And I know he's shouting that way, but I couldn't hear a word.

[1395] I could see his mouth moving, but...

[1396] Maybe he could tune out.

[1397] Most people in here is corner.

[1398] Some fighters can say that you can, but it's so hard when you're dealing with 55 ,000 people screaming.

[1399] It was deafening in there.

[1400] I mean, it was the loudest crowd I've ever heard by a long shot.

[1401] Yeah, they were very loud.

[1402] The energy was going, especially when you had some amazing knockouts.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] Well, it's three times more people than any crowd that we've ever had before.

[1405] Have you ever seen a...

[1406] A card like that where there were so many insane submissions and knockouts.

[1407] Yeah, it was a good one.

[1408] Yeah, it's happened before, but it was definitely a good card.

[1409] It was an excellent card.

[1410] Up until the final fight.

[1411] The final fight wasn't the best fight in the world, but up until that, yeah, it was an excellent card.

[1412] I always felt like when you get 1 versus 1A, it could always be a boring fight.

[1413] Not that that fight was boring.

[1414] I was honored to be there.

[1415] It's just like they have so much to lose and they're so high level of skill that they may cancel each other out and there may not be a lot of action because they're so protective of what they're doing and they're so matched up that maybe there's no engaging.

[1416] Like Strikeforce, I always felt like back in the day there were some mismatches going on.

[1417] So you had these awesome knockouts where you had a guy who was a good fighter versus a guy who was a phenomenal fighter.

[1418] I remember one card they had where it was just like crazy knockout, crazy knockout, crazy knockout.

[1419] That's a very astute point by you because that's one of the main criticisms with Strikeforce was that their talent pool was not that deep.

[1420] So they had excellent fighters fighting against guys who weren't that good.

[1421] And then it led to spectacular knockouts that just...

[1422] You know, and guys like to watch that, but maybe that's what I felt was like the UFC.

[1423] It's like sometimes these guys are such a high level and they have so much riding on it that maybe it's hard for them to want to risk it all.

[1424] I thought at some point Jake Shields should have had nothing losing, just fucking just gone right into him.

[1425] It's so hard to do that.

[1426] It's so easy to say, but to throw caution to the wind and get blasted in the face and possibly knocked unconscious, you know, nobody wants to do that.

[1427] Yeah, it's easy for me to sit outside and say that.

[1428] I just wanted to see.

[1429] As a comic sitting there having a hot dog.

[1430] As an out of shape comic with bitch tits sitting there.

[1431] Fucking a bad mohawk.

[1432] Fucking questioning his fucking fighting skills.

[1433] Yeah.

[1434] There's one thing that you learn when you watch those guys.

[1435] The amount of commitment that's involved is not a joke, man. There's no dabbling and fighting.

[1436] When you're talking about training, intense training, eight hours a day for 8, 10.

[1437] Dominic Cruz trains 12 weeks in a row.

[1438] I interviewed him yesterday.

[1439] He's the former WEC Bantamweight champion, current UFC Bantamweight champion, bad motherfucker.

[1440] And he was talking to me about his training routine.

[1441] He trains for 12 weeks.

[1442] And the first six weeks of his camp is all just...

[1443] brutal breaking down of the body with strength and conditioning.

[1444] And then the final 12, or the final six weeks, rather, first six weeks, just kettlebells and sprints and deadlifts and just madness, just strength and muscular endurance stuff.

[1445] And the final six weeks, all skills, all like pad work and jujitsu and so that he conditions his body to this insane peak.

[1446] and then rides that conditioning out with his skill set training.

[1447] And, you know, that's an unbelievable commitment, man. Unbelievable, man. And that weight class is a very exciting weight class.

[1448] It's very interesting because I always felt you could be a heavyweight.

[1449] You could be older and be a heavyweight because it's as much about speed, even though Kane is like lightning fast.

[1450] Someone like Randy can be around for that long because it's more about power and precision and stuff like that.

[1451] Whereas, you know, those really like lower weight class, it's all speed.

[1452] Like if you look at like someone like Roy, even though it's boxing, Roy Jones.

[1453] I mean, if I got in the ring with him, he'd just boom.

[1454] I'd be like, what's going on?

[1455] But like at that weight class, it's like to lose like.

[1456] The smallest amount of speed could be deadly.

[1457] Sure, and look what happened to Roy Jones when he lost his speed.

[1458] He started getting knocked out.

[1459] He was untouchable in his prime.

[1460] They were talking about, because I read an article on LeBron James in basketball, and someone was talking about him and someone like Tracy McGrady, who were born with the most amazing natural skills of basketball.

[1461] They don't necessarily train.

[1462] They don't work on their skills as much.

[1463] Because it comes so easy.

[1464] LeBron James doesn't train?

[1465] They say he doesn't work out as much on it.

[1466] He's not known for being at the game an hour or two hours early working on his shot.

[1467] He's not known as that guy.

[1468] I sound like Tracy McGrady now who's had a couple surgeries on his knees and back.

[1469] His athleticism isn't there like it used to be.

[1470] Therefore, it's diminished his skill set because he never really had to work on it because he was so infinitely better than everybody else.

[1471] athletically, you know.

[1472] So maybe, like, I was wondering if that might happen with MMA fighters where these guys are so lightning fast.

[1473] You mean the lighter weights, like the 135 pound guys?

[1474] Yeah, I'm sure it will.

[1475] You know, you don't see older boxers in the lightweight division in boxing, you know.

[1476] Because I felt like that's what happened to Roy Jones.

[1477] Like, he had so much speed on everybody.

[1478] And then he lost it.

[1479] And then he lost it.

[1480] And he still has that fighting style where he has that speed where his hands are down.

[1481] Well, that's the difference between him and Bernard Hopkins.

[1482] Bernard Hopkins always had perfect boxing technique.

[1483] He always keeps the guard up high, and he has a fairly conservative game, and that's why he's like 46, and he's still fighting for the title.

[1484] I mean, it's incredible.

[1485] I sometimes go down the wild card to train because I just love being in that gym and seeing Freddie Rowe.

[1486] You work out there?

[1487] Yeah.

[1488] What do you do there?

[1489] I'll do some jump roping for a couple rounds, shadow boxing.

[1490] and then I'll work the speed bag, timing bag, heavy bag, and then I'll get one of those crazy guys who hang out there, throw them $10 to hold the mitts for me for a little while.

[1491] I just like to mix up my workouts and stuff like that.

[1492] That's cool.

[1493] I didn't know that just anybody can go to that gym and work out.

[1494] I love it, dude.

[1495] I love it so much, man. And one time Bernard Hopkins showed up, and I got to watch him train for a little while.

[1496] I just want to get in the time machine and go back to me when I was like 12 and smacked myself for thinking I could be a pro athlete.

[1497] Because you look at this guy, he's a cyborg, man. You see the building, the way he's building, like, you know, the neck and all that stuff.

[1498] And it's like, that's genetics, bro.

[1499] Genetics and years and years of training and living correctly.

[1500] And, yeah.

[1501] You know, at some point, you got it or you don't got it.

[1502] I mean, you have to have it to a certain point.

[1503] It'd be the hardest worker on the court or the ring, and that could get you so far.

[1504] But you've got to have a minimum amount of that athleticism to even get to that area to compete.

[1505] Yeah, there's no question about it.

[1506] It's not a level playing field.

[1507] And, you know, things balance out with intelligence and with hard work.

[1508] But the bottom line is you get a guy like Jon Jones who is athletically gifted and has intelligence and has hard work, and you're fucked.

[1509] You know, even in comedy, I was, I'm blessed, I've always been fast.

[1510] And it's so funny when you, comedy and how much it's like sports and that.

[1511] I remember when Michael Vick first got into the NFL, he's talking about how fast the game was.

[1512] And then after a couple years, it slowed down.

[1513] And like, I tell young comics that about like dealing with hecklers.

[1514] It's like you're moving so much faster than the crowd.

[1515] So when you get heckled.

[1516] If you start panicking, don't panic because you're moving faster than them.

[1517] What seems like eternity to you is a millisecond to the crowd.

[1518] Do you know what I'm saying?

[1519] So you can sit in the pocket and think about response, then throw it out.

[1520] And to them, it was instantaneous.

[1521] That's how it is with my heckling.

[1522] I have so many tools that I can hear a heckle and just take my time because I'm moving so fast in my brain.

[1523] That's experience.

[1524] That's not like a genetic thing, right?

[1525] There is a certain amount of ability.

[1526] synapses almost to digest it.

[1527] Do you think that that is your personality though, the way you grew up, the way all the people, you know, I think when you grow up around a certain amount of people that are, you know, fucking with you or cracking jokes, you learn how to be quick -witted, it becomes a part of, you know, how you naturally think.

[1528] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1529] Well, I mean, you have to have a natural ability to come up with something funny, and then your ability, how quickly you can shout it back, is, you know, that's a genetics thing right there.

[1530] You think so?

[1531] You're how you're wired.

[1532] Yeah.

[1533] I mean, some people are good hacklers.

[1534] Some people aren't.

[1535] I always thought that that was a personality thing, more than anything.

[1536] Well, personality is like, well, what is that?

[1537] Is that, is your personality, is that based on your, you know, habitat or your genes?

[1538] I mean, I think it's a good question.

[1539] I think it is a combination.

[1540] Something like that.

[1541] You know, for me, when I was growing up, you know, I mean, I got in fights, but me and my friends were more about the verbal attacks.

[1542] We would, like, on the weekends hanging out, we'd go to Pantillo's Pizza, and whoever got stuck in the far end of the booth just got hammered on.

[1543] I mean, just from all sides.

[1544] Why?

[1545] Why the far end of the booth?

[1546] You know, man, I grew up with a bunch of great guys who kind of, like, had divorce in their family early, and there was a lot of, like, family issues.

[1547] They could have been some fighters.

[1548] Yeah, but they were never swingers.

[1549] I mean, like, I had a couple friends who were fighters, and I got in fights here and there.

[1550] But I think a couple of them had older brothers who were mentally vicious on them, and they would come hang out with their friends, and they would just transfer it to us.

[1551] And it just really got me, like...

[1552] seasoned like I never.

[1553] I had such a thick skin to it.

[1554] Isn't it amazing when you look back on your childhood and developing how all of your experiences have kind of accumulated together to make you as a human being.

[1555] And if some of them weren't there, you would have been different.

[1556] If your parents were different, you would have been different.

[1557] If your friends were different, your environment was different.

[1558] I know you grew up in upstate New York.

[1559] If you had grown up in...

[1560] Austin, Texas, you would be different.

[1561] If my dad wanted to move to San Diego, I would have been a totally different human being.

[1562] If I had grown up, I'd probably be like...

[1563] toned and in good shape?

[1564] It's so strange because for me, I've become a different person over the last 10 years or so of my life.

[1565] That's been the most dramatic change for me ever since I started smoking weed and ever since I started really getting deeper into Eastern philosophy and just really being objective and honest about my own thoughts.

[1566] I constantly work on improving my mind.

[1567] I constantly work on improving my thinking.

[1568] I think there's always room for improvement there's always room for advancement there's always room for you know there's always artistic improvement there's personal improvement all the different things and I always stop and consider you know all the different factors that come into place to make all of your thoughts and to make who you are you know and that you can change those and you can move those around you could alter those and it's not a rapid thing it's something like the way I describe it it's like Two ships, and I think I heard Tony Robbins describe it this way, and this is where I ganked this from, but Tony Robbins, I'm pretty sure it was him, described two boats moving in a parallel line right next to each other, and that one boat just takes a slight...

[1569] two degree turn to the right.

[1570] Well, as those boats move forward, the one boat that took that slight two degree turn in time, it's miles and miles away from that other boat.

[1571] And that's what I kind of feel like that these little changes that you make.

[1572] And sometimes you'll fuck up and you'll get back in line with the way you used to be and you don't like it and then you've got to turn again.

[1573] It's not an exact process.

[1574] Sometimes I find myself getting mad about things and I get upset at myself.

[1575] And I'm like, why are you getting pissy about that?

[1576] And maybe it's because I haven't worked out.

[1577] Or maybe it's because I'm under a particularly large amount of stress or I haven't been able to get good sleep.

[1578] Because I'm busy, man. There's nights where sometimes it's two or three nights in a row.

[1579] Because of my schedule, I only get like a couple hours sleep.

[1580] That shit wears thin.

[1581] And then your ability to tolerate retards diminishes drastically.

[1582] They're coming at you from all ends.

[1583] Always.

[1584] And that's the other thing that people don't understand.

[1585] When you're in any sort of a situation like you are with your podcast or with comedy or I am, you're constantly, you have people coming at you with their bullshit.

[1586] To me, it's like an exercise.

[1587] To me, it's like as long as you're objective about it and you kind of assess the whole situation, it's all manageable.

[1588] But when one or two things goes out of whack, whether it's your sleep or whether it's you haven't worked out or whether it's stress, that's when things get squirrely and that's when things get really hard to manage.

[1589] I've really worked hard on changing.

[1590] The way I see the world.

[1591] When I first moved to Hollywood, I was a real hothead.

[1592] I had good intentions with a lot of stuff I did.

[1593] It took me a while and some humbling to get to a place to realize I'm just a small speck in the big universe.

[1594] The world doesn't revolve around me. Everybody's doing the best in what they've got.

[1595] Some people don't like that thought.

[1596] They think that thought is not empowering.

[1597] They think that thought is that.

[1598] But it actually is empowering.

[1599] It's real.

[1600] It's realistic.

[1601] And when you come to grips with the fact that you're not the shit.

[1602] You're just a human.

[1603] You're just one of many all together in this giant mass organism.

[1604] It's good for you.

[1605] For me personally, it's more about owning everything that goes in my life, both the good and the bad.

[1606] and not just to turn around and try to blame it on somebody else because shit didn't go well.

[1607] Really trying to find my fault in the situations.

[1608] That's so important.

[1609] It's humbling.

[1610] I had a lot of good shit going on.

[1611] You know, only like a year or two ago, like, I had a TV show and all this stuff, and a lot of stuff, like, kind of went away, and a lot of it's my fault, and some of it's not.

[1612] But I feel like when I own what happens, it makes it easier to deal with it and not just stay focused on it and, like, fucking run around into shadow people who are trying to hold me back.

[1613] This point came up during the Daryl Wright podcast, and I'm going to bring it up again just because I think it's very important.

[1614] You cannot change what other people do to you, but what you can change is what you do.

[1615] You can change how you view your situation.

[1616] You can say, well, this person fucked me over.

[1617] What you can say and what you can help and change is you can say, what did I do?

[1618] What's my part in this and how could I have improved it?

[1619] What can I do to make sure that I'm around a better class of human beings?

[1620] Maybe it's my own personal choices that suck.

[1621] Maybe it's this person reacted to me that way because I wasn't good at dealing with them.

[1622] You could always improve.

[1623] Yeah, 100%.

[1624] It's like the things I did when I was headlining on the road that clubs didn't appreciate and part of me knew it.

[1625] I just felt it was such a crazy show that they would just go with it.

[1626] What are you talking about?

[1627] I used to do this weird, sexy dance closer where I reverse skull hump a chick on stage.

[1628] What does that even mean?

[1629] Please explain.

[1630] To me, I don't know what reverse skull hump means, and I'm your friend.

[1631] So tell me what that means.

[1632] I always find the girl in the crowd who is...

[1633] Greg Wilson taught me this move, and I always find the loud -mouthed girl in the crowd who just is, like, heckling me but really flirting with me and thinking she's, you know, she's the shit, and we kind of play this back -and -forth thing, and then I go, really?

[1634] Why don't you come up on stage and show me what you got?

[1635] And, of course, they'll run up on stage, and I have her give me a dance, and she just grinds on me, and then it's my turn, you know, and I tell her, I'm going to light you up.

[1636] Are you cool with that?

[1637] I give the microphone, so, yeah, I'm cool.

[1638] Show me what you got.

[1639] I'm not afraid.

[1640] And I just take her, and I just basically dry hump her, like, the shit.

[1641] I bend her over doggy style.

[1642] I do this, like, move in porn.

[1643] It's like the anal move.

[1644] And then I do this thing where I take her.

[1645] The anal move?

[1646] What do you mean?

[1647] The girl, like, almost sits on, like, she's facing out that way, and she sits on him, and he grabs their legs, and he just kind of, like.

[1648] It's a max hardcore move.

[1649] I don't know if you know that thing, but it's a really funny, like, spread eagle move.

[1650] So you're basically simulating sexual intercourse on the stage.

[1651] Yeah, because she thinks I'm about to be romantic, and I'm just lighting her up, right?

[1652] And then I take her, and I do this reverse flip, skull hump flip thing, and it always goes really well.

[1653] And the crowd always goes crazy.

[1654] And that's the only reason I kept doing it.

[1655] But the clubs hated it.

[1656] They just hated it.

[1657] Well, it's a liability.

[1658] It's dangerous.

[1659] That's exactly what it is.

[1660] Even though I've never dropped a girl, I get it now.

[1661] And now I don't do it anymore.

[1662] But at that point, it's like I was just a knucklehead about it.

[1663] And I just fucking...

[1664] So that cost you work, you think?

[1665] Yeah.

[1666] Without doubt.

[1667] cost me work so you used to be closing a lot of these clubs now they won't use you anymore is that yeah i don't get used like i used to in a lot of the clubs at all you know i mean i was put in a weird situation in that they would bring me in on slow weeks they knew were slow and then they get mad at me when it was slow and i'm like well that's why you brought me in at this 99 cent store rate you know That's why I'm here.

[1668] Don't get mad at you?

[1669] What clubs got mad at you?

[1670] Well, you know, it's all about putting asses in seats, man. What were you doing for a promotion?

[1671] It was mostly radio at the time?

[1672] Radio, as much internet as I could at that time.

[1673] You know, there wasn't really podcasts.

[1674] You know, podcasts in like two years, like podcasts in two, three, two and a half years, you know, podcasts have been going, so there wasn't any of that stuff.

[1675] And I would always do really well on radio.

[1676] I'm great on radio.

[1677] It's just...

[1678] I just either I couldn't get on radio.

[1679] It's hard for people to commit to coming out to see a stand -up comic that they don't know because there's so many bad comics.

[1680] And most people assume that if they don't know you, you're not funny.

[1681] Yeah, and that's it.

[1682] It's unfortunate.

[1683] And I have always had great sets on television because I take a lot of pride in that bit.

[1684] I'm not someone who just does it for the credit.

[1685] I'm always like, this is like a stamp, man. I really want to blow this up.

[1686] And that's why I work so hard on new material.

[1687] And that's why, like, even though this year is the first year in a long time I haven't done any television stand -up, which really sucks because I have a whole bunch of great shit.

[1688] But I'm kind of going to hold off on doing little things because I want to do...

[1689] I don't want to do a half an hour on Comedy Central, because personally, I just think that's like taking 30 minutes and just throwing it into the abyss, and then you just, nobody hears it.

[1690] I mean, I've never heard anyone going, hey, GC, blah, blah, blah.

[1691] Actually, I take that back.

[1692] The last person I heard that was Segura's.

[1693] They said they were impressed by his half an hour, but everybody else is just like, I think that's just because Segura's really good.

[1694] I think a lot of guys suck, man. I think that's the reality of it.

[1695] You know, when...

[1696] I did this Maxim comedy tour with John Heffron and Charlie Murphy.

[1697] What we did was every town we went to, we had a different guy open up for us.

[1698] Usually like a local guy would go on and do a set.

[1699] And it was some good guys.

[1700] It was some funny guys.

[1701] But, you know, a few of them I had heard of or somebody had told me, hey, this guy's going to open up for you in Chicago.

[1702] He's really good.

[1703] But then when we got to Phoenix, I had never heard of Tom Segura.

[1704] And Segura went up and just lit the place up.

[1705] And it was so good.

[1706] polished material and delivery.

[1707] No, I got him in a stand -up.

[1708] You did?

[1709] Yeah, I'm the guy who got him into it.

[1710] How did you do that?

[1711] We were in a Groundlings class together.

[1712] Now, I remember when I started in Vegas, I was in this improv troupe, and they were all like, I was really funny.

[1713] And they're like, you know what, you should try.

[1714] Was it Groundlings in Vegas?

[1715] No, no, no. Well, Groundlings in California.

[1716] When I started comedy, I started improv because I didn't know the difference between stand -up and improv at that point.

[1717] But the improv people were like, you're great at it.

[1718] You're really fine.

[1719] You should try stand -up.

[1720] So we were in class together here in L .A. in Groundlings, and I saw Tom was really fast.

[1721] I'm like, you know, I should tell him what they told me when I was like.

[1722] Just starting.

[1723] I'm like, man, you're really funny.

[1724] You should try stand -up.

[1725] You're very quick -witted.

[1726] Because I was fast.

[1727] But in that class, Tom was fast, fast.

[1728] And they're like, speed, respect, speed.

[1729] You know what I'm saying?

[1730] And I was like, this kid's fast.

[1731] So I was like, man, you should go out and try stand -up.

[1732] And he did it.

[1733] And he's been kicking ass ever since.

[1734] And he'll tell you that, man. I'm the guy that goes, pushes him out.

[1735] So that was in L .A.?

[1736] That was in L .A. on Melrose.

[1737] We did the ground leagues class.

[1738] How long ago was this?

[1739] Oh, this has to be six, seven years ago, I'd have to say.

[1740] Yeah, Tom is very funny.

[1741] I mean, I guess when I was working with him, he'd only been doing comedy a couple years then, when I first started working with him.

[1742] Yeah, very funny, has a natural, quick sense of humor.

[1743] Yeah, and this conversation goes full circle because Tom was the one who had that bit about the midgets that I thought was very unfortunate, and he did the bit.

[1744] We talked about it on my podcast where a bunch of people...

[1745] We talked about it because he had kind of a racist joke that he did that was very funny in Australia about aborigines.

[1746] Is it racist or is it racial?

[1747] Because that's my biggest problem right now.

[1748] Well, he talked about aborigines all being lazy, so I think that's kind of racist.

[1749] Yeah, that falls under...

[1750] But the midget thing was the big thing.

[1751] I don't have nearly as much of a problem with the lazy thing as the midget thing because...

[1752] Because it's like the N -word he says?

[1753] No, no. Well, he has a whole bit of...

[1754] Well, yeah, that's actually funny.

[1755] He has that one line that he does about that.

[1756] But it's not that.

[1757] It's just picking on the midgets because you know the bit works.

[1758] And he did it, and this couple was crying after the show.

[1759] And they were complaining to the manager, and they're crying because they had a kid who was a midget.

[1760] And they came to see a comedy show, and they just got their feelings hurt.

[1761] It's just...

[1762] I don't know.

[1763] It's fucked up.

[1764] That's a weird situation with that.

[1765] I've had people do stuff about epilepsy.

[1766] My dad's got epilepsy.

[1767] I guess I'm a hardened dude and I just detach from it.

[1768] I guess as someone paying a ticket to be entertained, I could see why they could get upset because that's very personal to them.

[1769] I hear a lot of Armenian jokes.

[1770] Some people say that what you should make fun of is what people do, not what people are.

[1771] I guess I can see that.

[1772] That's really smart.

[1773] Yeah, because you own what you do.

[1774] That's you, stupid.

[1775] But what you are is, you know, it's the fuck, man. You ever seen someone get picked on for something that there's nothing they can do to control?

[1776] It's kind of sad.

[1777] It's kind of fucked up.

[1778] That's a really smart point.

[1779] That's really smart.

[1780] I like that because I do jokes about, like, black guys not passing me the ball or how they hit on chicks.

[1781] Yeah, that's all true.

[1782] And I don't think it's racism at all.

[1783] No, that's racial.

[1784] It's racial.

[1785] That's my problem with political correctness.

[1786] It's almost like taking away thought.

[1787] It's almost...

[1788] telling stupid people how they should think.

[1789] If these people say this about this, then that's discrimination.

[1790] I'm like, that's not true at all.

[1791] There's some people that think also that anytime you bring up any subject, they can call you on being a racist just because you're discussing black people.

[1792] There was a joke that I used to do about UFOs.

[1793] And the joke was about Roswell, New Mexico, about how the UFO crashed in the desert.

[1794] And the government printed in the paper, we have recovered a crashed UFO and alien bodies.

[1795] And the next day they say, oh, it was a weather balloon.

[1796] Well, what about the aliens?

[1797] Those are Mexicans.

[1798] So I said that, and this woman screams out, hey, don't become Mexicans.

[1799] And I go, whoa, I'm not even picking them.

[1800] I'm saying the white, there's no Mexicans in that joke.

[1801] Yeah, I have a joke about, well, it involves like robots and like coming here and doing all the jobs.

[1802] And there goes all the jobs for illegals.

[1803] And if I was in Mexico, I'd attack Japan.

[1804] And I'd talk about like Japan versus Mexico.

[1805] What a cute war that'd be.

[1806] That'd be like the Ewoks taking on the Care Bears.

[1807] That'd be the cutest war ever.

[1808] And I do that in Comedy Central.

[1809] And this guy, no, I did it on Showtime.

[1810] And you read some of the comments like, what do you have against Japanese?

[1811] I'm like, where in that statement is there something that says Japanese are assholes, they're half human?

[1812] If you even bring up the name in a joke, you're an asshole.

[1813] Yeah, there's a lot of people that also are really dumb and they think that they have a license to be angry.

[1814] It also comes to the fact that people connect with...

[1815] the 1950s civil rights movement.

[1816] Just hear me. I know it sounds weird.

[1817] They connect with that, like, that thought of that there are people who are taking away our rights and we have to fight for that.

[1818] And now, 50, 60 years later, we're more meshed.

[1819] I'm not saying the world's perfect, but there is that kind of, like, that need to believe that there's someone out there holding you back.

[1820] And it explains, like, even when you hear Paris Hilton...

[1821] I've seen her give interviews, which is like, people think it's just so easy.

[1822] They don't understand how many people are trying to hold me back and how I have to fight for everything I get.

[1823] It's like...

[1824] Whoa, she said that?

[1825] Yeah.

[1826] That's hilarious.

[1827] Yeah, and that goes back to that thought that like...

[1828] I got to suck that dick.

[1829] I got to put it on video.

[1830] I got to show up at parties.

[1831] You were born.

[1832] Yeah.

[1833] And you chose to be in this kind of tabloid, train wreck type of...

[1834] thing.

[1835] And people like to think, I mean, to me, racism is, you can't come here, you can't date these people, you can't come through this fucking entrance, you can't live, that's racism.

[1836] A racial observation in no way discriminates against you or holds you back.

[1837] Something Michael Richards does, yelling the end word, that's obviously racism.

[1838] Bill Burr's joke about black guys having coordinated outfits, and that's being gay, that's not racism, you know what I'm saying?

[1839] It's racial.

[1840] Unfortunately, for the longest time, nobody wanted to address it.

[1841] Sarah Tiana talks about this a lot.

[1842] She's a very funny comic.

[1843] She talks about how there was a time where calling a white person racist was almost as bad as calling a black person the N -word because it was a death blow.

[1844] If you got called racist in public, people would just start freaking out.

[1845] What's going on here?

[1846] Who cares?

[1847] We're in the middle of a podcast, Matthew.

[1848] God.

[1849] Oh, he's going to reset the system.

[1850] Hmm.

[1851] Can we hear his...

[1852] I don't know if you guys can hear how gay he is.

[1853] Double rainbows, man. Yeah, calling someone a racist is just like, you know, if they are racist, you know, and it's valid, that's one thing, but as a weapon, you know, it's to me like when you get in an argument with a woman and she goes, you hate women, you have a problem with women.

[1854] No, I have a problem with you, stupid, and you just happen to have a vagina.

[1855] Well, it becomes a way to stop conversation.

[1856] You know, when you're in an argument with somebody and they say something, you have to come back and you jump to this political correct argument where like, oh, that's just racist.

[1857] Well, it's really not racist.

[1858] Like LeBron James, he said a lot that backlash against him leaving Cleveland to go to Miami had racism.

[1859] And that's not true at all.

[1860] They just didn't like how you handled it.

[1861] You handled it very poorly.

[1862] I mean, everybody's moved on since then.

[1863] But, you know, it's so easy to go there and be like, oh, this is racism.

[1864] Because there was a time where that would stop the conversation.

[1865] You know, it's like when you're having an argument about women and between women and men.

[1866] And, you know, you're discussing, like, who's got worse, blah, blah.

[1867] And then you jump right to sexual assault that, like, stops the conversation right there.

[1868] The misogynist reference, you know, or misogynist label, that immediately, you know, puts you in a spot, too.

[1869] You don't like women.

[1870] Where do you get that?

[1871] Because I don't like you.

[1872] Yeah, yeah.

[1873] You represent all women.

[1874] It's ridiculous.

[1875] Yeah, it's stopping the conversation because you don't have any answer for it.

[1876] Well, that's the disgusting thing about political correctness.

[1877] Just even the term, like, you don't really have an opinion on this.

[1878] You're taking the stance that you think...

[1879] politically is going to be the most acceptable.

[1880] And that's what it is.

[1881] Instead of looking at all human beings as individuals and recognizing whatever flaw they may have as something or whatever flaw as a group, you know, a giant culture has, you know, racially, like Russell Peters has a lot of racial jokes.

[1882] You know, they're great jokes.

[1883] Those are observations.

[1884] Those are observations on human beings.

[1885] But as soon as you go politically correct, all those observations are supposed to be ignored.

[1886] You're supposed to put blinders on and have have this really false sense of what the world is or false portrayal of the world.

[1887] Yeah, and what it comes down to is that they accept certain things from certain people.

[1888] So it doesn't really become the message.

[1889] What it really becomes is the messenger.

[1890] which at the end of the day is discrimination again.

[1891] What is the cause of that?

[1892] Is that because people are being forced into large groups in school and work and a bunch of people that they wouldn't necessarily want to be around, and so we have to figure out some way for everyone to get along so certain things are just off limits and certain subjects are just clearly defined in advance?

[1893] I mean, is that what's going on?

[1894] Well, I think it was over...

[1895] You know, it's not an overreaction because, you know, there was...

[1896] horrible race relations.

[1897] And at this country, you know, I go around the world and I tell you, man, I miss two things when I leave America, sports center and black people.

[1898] Cause you don't get like that kind of diversity that you get living in America.

[1899] I mean, you get, you get some in Toronto.

[1900] It's a very diverse, but nothing like Southern California.

[1901] And I really love that.

[1902] And at a time, like the mixing wasn't happening.

[1903] So you had to do stuff to encourage the mixing.

[1904] What it is, you'll never get to the point where everybody's in and nobody makes fun of nobody.

[1905] All you can hope for is equal access to opportunity, to feed your family, to take care of yourself, to grow business -wise.

[1906] That's all you want.

[1907] Whether someone has an observation you don't like, it'll never be that.

[1908] What political correctness does is it's trying to compensate for people's lack of common sense.

[1909] Really, at the end of the day, it's common sense.

[1910] If I hear you say a joke, I either can take it as that's an observation or that's some racist shit right there.

[1911] But there's also a lot of people that say mean shit that's not true and it's just fucked up just to make a joke out of it.

[1912] And they say, hey, it's a joke.

[1913] I don't like that either.

[1914] I hate that shit.

[1915] Own your shit.

[1916] I hate when you say something on stage and people at the end, they do some stupid kind of like, you know, all I'm trying to do is start conversation or just get everybody.

[1917] No, you're just trying to shock fucking people.

[1918] I've never said anything on stage just to shock people.

[1919] No, I've said true shit that people are just like, and sometimes I'll be like, okay, I've got to pull that because it just puts them in crazy places.

[1920] So, you know, I talk about, like, when I go home for Christmas, sometimes I've got to sit at the kids' table.

[1921] It's me with a bunch of kids.

[1922] And I'm like, how old are these kids, eh?

[1923] I paid for abortions that would be older than this.

[1924] And, you know, and some people just get, like, that word itself.

[1925] gets fucking people freaked out.

[1926] So I just don't even say it.

[1927] You know, I just pulled it out because it's just, it's too much to try to, it almost takes people out of the act.

[1928] Well, you know, the problem is a lot of people have abortions too and they're not happy that they had it and it's fucking with their head.

[1929] It's fucking with their subconscious.

[1930] And I'm like, hey, you're the ones who march and fucking, you're marching for the right for it.

[1931] I don't know why we're getting quieter.

[1932] I pay for half.

[1933] It's like you're crazy.

[1934] You know when the subject of abortion gets really weird is when you have kids that you love.

[1935] more than life itself that's when it gets really weird you're like wow well what is abortion i mean i i don't think i have any right to tell you what you can and can't do with your body but you are at certain point killing a baby you know i don't know if it's on day one or if it's day 90 or what day is it is it the seventh month that you're killing a baby i don't know when whenever the baby can live outside the womb i don't know but at certain point what is it though i mean but even discussing it it's another correct topic, especially amongst liberals.

[1936] It's a topic where you're not supposed to even bring up that subject.

[1937] Like, hey, when are you killing a baby?

[1938] It's a personal choice.

[1939] A woman has a right to choose what she does.

[1940] Okay, I agree.

[1941] They both have that area where they're just like, no, we can't talk about that.

[1942] Or, you know, that's against God.

[1943] We're against killing, so we're going to shoot abortion doctors and blow up clinics.

[1944] The logic there is insanity.

[1945] And the people that are, I, though, like people who are pro -choice a lot more than I like people that are pro -life.

[1946] The people that are militantly pro -life and pick at abortion clinics, I just find them all to be fucking wackos.

[1947] Or it's a huge percentage of them to be wackos.

[1948] And I don't know why that is.

[1949] I don't know why there can't be a rational discourse.

[1950] I don't think it's the right choice at all times, but I don't think it's the wrong choice at all times either.

[1951] I just don't think that those people have any outlet.

[1952] for their deep, dark desires.

[1953] They can't outlet, so they just go fucking crazy.

[1954] I had a discussion with a friend of mine who's very pro -life, and I was telling him, you know, man, we're discussing gay adoption, and I've had friends who were raised in foster homes, and they don't get a lot of life skills, man. And I would rather somebody, a kid grow up with two gay parents who love them and teach them life.

[1955] you know, hold them and give them that kind of human connection than, you know, to make them grow up and foster.

[1956] And I'm not saying if you grow up and foster, I'm not judging you at all.

[1957] I'm just saying there should be as many options out there as possible to be adopted by whoever will love and show you the most kind of, and give you the best life skills.

[1958] We're all about diversity, ladies and gentlemen.

[1959] We're all about love.

[1960] We're all about acceptance.

[1961] That's what Sam Tripple and I are all about.

[1962] Is that right, Sam?

[1963] podcast was.

[1964] Podcast sucks.

[1965] It's interesting.

[1966] It's like half the podcasts we do aren't funny.

[1967] More than half, probably.

[1968] I'm sure there's been some funny moments in this.

[1969] We both laugh, but it's not about that.

[1970] It's talking.

[1971] Do you ever get critiques about that?

[1972] Wasn't funny at all?

[1973] Oh yeah, all the time.

[1974] I thought you were a comedian.

[1975] Okay.

[1976] Whatever.

[1977] You know, I mean, sometimes we're talking about psychedelic drugs and sometimes we're talking about aliens.

[1978] You know, or sometimes we're talking about pussy farts.

[1979] You know, you never know, man. This is always a good time.

[1980] Yeah, some things are funny and some things are not.

[1981] And it's just whatever, man. We're trying to figure this life out just like you.

[1982] And that's what the podcast is about, folks.

[1983] And one of the most rewarding things about this podcast, and I got it.

[1984] left and right in Toronto.

[1985] There's all these people coming up to me, telling me how much this podcast is influencing their thinking and influencing the way they view the world.

[1986] And in that sense, this podcast today is very much in line with that because for people that are thinking about improving their life and are thinking about all the tension, the strife, and all the confrontation that they get in when they believe one thing and other people believe another thing.

[1987] So it is in line with that.

[1988] Yeah, it's great.

[1989] I mean, can we add laugh tracks to this?

[1990] Like bad sitcom laugh tracks?

[1991] We're going to sitcom on the WB?

[1992] Yeah, just we need some canned laughter somewhere to punch up.

[1993] I had fun, man. I think we're good.

[1994] I had fun, too.

[1995] And I think that's it, ladies and gentlemen.

[1996] If you want to get a hold of Sam Tripoli, you can catch Sam on Twitter.

[1997] It's Sam, T -R -I -P -O -L -I, Sam Tripoli.

[1998] You can also see the Naughty Show podcast, which is on the...

[1999] Death Squad podcast on iTunes.

[2000] Just look for the ones, if you go on iTunes, look for the ones that say Naughty, The Naughty Show.

[2001] And Sam also has a Naughty Show live show, which is a fucking awesome show.

[2002] It's not just stand -up comedy.

[2003] It's got a lot of videos and a lot of cool planned -up shit, and they play games, and it's really, really well produced.

[2004] And I said that to you the first time I saw it.

[2005] I was like, dude, this really needs to be in Vegas.

[2006] It's really fucking funny.

[2007] We're working on it.

[2008] We got one coming up May 14th with Mary Carey in Santa Barbara.

[2009] And Velvet Jones, so you all come out and check out the show.

[2010] And what we were talking about, about, you know, your stand -up and, you know, how you're having a hard time, you know, getting booked in clubs.

[2011] And I really think that this podcast is going to be the difference, man. I think it's been a huge difference for me doing Massey Hall in Toronto.

[2012] 2 ,600 people, I asked them how many of you guys listened to the podcast.

[2013] It was like 100%.

[2014] It was nuts.

[2015] It was a huge ovation, you know.

[2016] And it's been that way for the past.

[2017] I say five, six months, the podcast audience has completely overtaken all the other audiences.

[2018] It used to be like I would get comedy fans.

[2019] I would used to get a lot of Fear Factor fans in the early days and a lot of UFC fans.

[2020] It was just a mix of everybody.

[2021] But now it's all people that listen to the podcast and are there just to see the comedy.

[2022] Dana White said some really nice stuff about you when we were in his private room, man. He's heard about your podcast, too.

[2023] two days like a bunch of questions thrown to him and yeah a bunch of people that said that to him and max kellerman was one of them who uh max if you're out there if you listen to this podcast you're a bad motherfucker i love your boxing commentary i think you're the best great he's great passion he's awesome he's passionate he's intelligent and he's got skills as a rapper by the way check out max kellerman before he was ever a boxing broadcaster was actually a rapper You didn't know that?

[2024] I didn't know that.

[2025] White wrappers.

[2026] I think him and his brother, rest in peace, had some sort of a rap band thing going on.

[2027] But Max is good.

[2028] He's got skills.

[2029] So that's the podcast, ladies and gentlemen.

[2030] This has been the fourth edition, I believe, of Podcast on a Plane.

[2031] Let's see.

[2032] I did one, two, three.

[2033] I think it's number four.

[2034] I'm pretty sure it's number four.

[2035] Whatever it is, folks, it is what it is.

[2036] Sam Tripoli, Joe Rogan, signing out.

[2037] Love you, bitches, as always.

[2038] And we will be back with an official podcast with a regular one in studio with Duncan Trussell.

[2039] Duncan will be on Monday, April 2nd at 4 p .m. So by the time you hear this, it's probably already over.

[2040] May 2nd.

[2041] May 2nd.

[2042] Did I say April?

[2043] Whatever, bitches.

[2044] You know what I'm saying?

[2045] All right.

[2046] Love you guys.

[2047] Ciao.

[2048] Bye -bye.

[2049] The Joe Rogan Experience is sponsored by the number one sex toy for men, The Fleshlight.

[2050] Go to JoeRogan .net, click the banner on the right side that says Fleshlight, enter the coupon code ROGAN, and save yourself 15%.