Armchair Anonymous: Cautionary Tale

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[1] I'm Buck Rogers, and I'm joined by the Duchess of Duluth.

[2] Where did Buck Rogers come from?

[3] That was a show when I was a kid, Buck Rogers.

[4] It was kind of maybe a B version of Star Trek.

[5] He was a starship trooper fighter pilot.

[6] Okay, well, when you go by Buck Rogers on those days, can I go by Michelle Tanner?

[7] Oh, my God, yes.

[8] Who's Michelle Tanner?

[9] Mary Kate and Ashley from Full House.

[10] Oh, okay, interesting.

[11] I guess that works.

[12] If we were playing connections, it would work in TV characters.

[13] Exactly.

[14] But I'm always inclined to pin a sci -fi name on you, like R -T -D -2 or R -D -D, whatever he is.

[15] It has to be something you can pronounce.

[16] Okay, CP3.

[17] No, not sure what that one is either.

[18] C -3PO and R2D -2.

[19] Okay.

[20] Those have always been hard for me. Did they roll off your tongue?

[21] C -3 -P -O, R -2D -2, yes, but I'm not into sci -fi.

[22] Right, nor are you a robot.

[23] A robot.

[24] But I am a Michelle Tanner.

[25] Okay, great.

[26] Michelle Tanner.

[27] I'm now learning that name.

[28] I don't know that name, but I'm going to try to connect that.

[29] Let's go from the top.

[30] And we're still rolling everyone back to one.

[31] I'm Buck Rogers, and I'm joined by Michelle Tanner.

[32] That's me. You got it, dude.

[33] Oh, I got, great, and you'll have a catchphrase.

[34] This works out big time for me. Today, we're going to hear cautionary tales.

[35] They run the gamut, as you might expect, these cautionary tales.

[36] But I also want to tell everybody next month's prompts, which are, tell us a crazy stalking story.

[37] If you were murdered in this one, it probably won't be fun for us.

[38] Well, no, we do accept ghosts.

[39] Oh, okay.

[40] Yeah.

[41] Okay.

[42] Tell us a crazy stalking story.

[43] Tell us about a secret your parents kept from you as a kid.

[44] Shout out to the Armcherry who suggested that.

[45] Great one.

[46] Tell us a crazy house sitting story.

[47] Also was a suggestion from an arm cherry.

[48] Tell us a crazy mall story, Monica's suggestion.

[49] You guys, mall stories can be lots of things.

[50] They can be shoplifting.

[51] They can be hookups.

[52] They can be in the foot court.

[53] I had them all hookup in the Burger King bathroom.

[54] You already want to tell it.

[55] Yeah, but I must protect her identity.

[56] My hookup.

[57] DJ Tanner.

[58] RT Tanner.

[59] R .D. Tanner.

[60] Please enjoy cautionary tales.

[61] All times come and go.

[62] Good times.

[63] Take them slow.

[64] Cautionary tales.

[65] Mine is don't get sick.

[66] That's my cautionary, too.

[67] Did you take your leave D?

[68] I did, yeah.

[69] My big breakthrough was taking Tussin DM last night before I went.

[70] Tussin.

[71] It's the generic brand for Robitussin.

[72] Oh, my God.

[73] Tussin.

[74] They're allowed to do that?

[75] Yeah, Tussin.

[76] I don't like that at all.

[77] And boy, oh boy, I don't know I haven't been taking that for the last week and a half because I didn't cough it all in the middle of the night.

[78] That's what's been keeping me out.

[79] No coughs all night.

[80] It worked.

[81] Tussin DM.

[82] You died.

[83] I'm dead.

[84] Ready for Amy?

[85] Amy Hansen?

[86] Cautionary tale.

[87] It's Amy H. I hope it's Amy Hanson so bad.

[88] Oh, I love it to be Amy Hanson.

[89] Oh, my God, can it please be Amy Hanson?

[90] What if one of our friends called and told a really damaging story?

[91] You know I'm dying for that.

[92] Hi.

[93] Oh, oh.

[94] That's us.

[95] Hold on.

[96] We didn't plug in.

[97] We were chitch -chat.

[98] Amy?

[99] Yes, hi.

[100] Hi.

[101] No, I can hear you beautifully.

[102] We weren't hooked up.

[103] Oh, my gosh.

[104] It's important to be hooked up, y 'all.

[105] Very.

[106] You got to be.

[107] What is this lovely collage poster behind you?

[108] Well, this is for Monica.

[109] It's actually a quilt that our friend Luke Haynes made for me. Do you remember him?

[110] Yes, Luke, who made our quilt?

[111] Oh, my God, small world.

[112] And the letters on it say, Hospitalliano.

[113] Is that Italian for Hospitiano?

[114] You know, it's a made -up word.

[115] Have you ever been to the Olive Garden?

[116] Oh, yes, yeah.

[117] In the 90s, when you walked in the Olive Garden, the host would say, Hospitiano to greet you.

[118] Oh, they would.

[119] It was like the dumbest thing.

[120] I always thought it was hilarious because it's just this word that Olive Garden made up.

[121] So when Luke made the quality, he wanted me to put something on it that was like aspirational, so that's what I chose.

[122] Oh, I love it.

[123] Incredible.

[124] Also, it's beautiful.

[125] He's so talented.

[126] He's so talented.

[127] And I don't want to get too off topic, but do you know the Zaget Guide where they review restaurants?

[128] Yes.

[129] They let their comedic side shine when they review Olive Garden in particular.

[130] I don't know if you've ever read any reviews in Zaget for Olive Garden.

[131] I have not.

[132] The two that I've memorized is this Italian Denny's prides itself on blank, blank, blank.

[133] And then another one said, if you like airplane food Italian.

[134] Oh, God.

[135] Yeah, they were rough.

[136] But I feel like that's where they cut loose a little bit.

[137] That's hilarious.

[138] I'll have to look that up, especially since I'm such a fan.

[139] What part of the South are you in?

[140] How'd you know I was from the South?

[141] Because you said, y 'all, well, I live in Asheville, North Carolina.

[142] Oh, we like it there.

[143] You know how much I love it, right?

[144] I talk about it all the time.

[145] I just moved here four years ago from Austin, which is another great place.

[146] You're hitting up all the good spots.

[147] Yeah, you're ahead of me. You're living out many of my dreams.

[148] I'm just going to like smaller and smaller cool, hip, artsy beer towns until there's nothing left.

[149] Okay.

[150] So you have a cautionary tale.

[151] Let's get to the business at hand.

[152] I do have one.

[153] There might be several cautionary tales within this big meta cautionary tales.

[154] Okay, great.

[155] This took place in the summer of 1996 and I was living in Austin.

[156] I'd just gotten out of college.

[157] I was living with my two roommates, Julie and Jason.

[158] I don't think we were working.

[159] We were just going to see shows and like drinking Shinerbach and eating tacos.

[160] And that's what we did every day.

[161] It was so fun.

[162] So we had this friend named Ian who had rented a cabin for the summer about an hour south of Austin.

[163] And he invited us down one Friday afternoon to just hang out, party a little bit, getting some shenanigans.

[164] So we drove down and got there around 4 .30 in the afternoon.

[165] So it was the three of us and then Ian.

[166] and then this friend of his name Warren, this is all going to make sense in a second while there's all these people.

[167] I can already tell Warren's going to be the variable we need to keep our eyes on.

[168] You can already predict that?

[169] Yeah, I can feel that.

[170] He's going to be the issue.

[171] Is the cautionary tale don't trust Warren's?

[172] It's generally the friend of the friend that's the problem.

[173] Totally.

[174] Yeah, this guy that we'd never met before was there, but the other four of us had been long -term friends.

[175] So, you know, we start drinking or hanging out, and the sun starts to set, and Ian's like, let's go down to the creek and see the water before it gets dark.

[176] It's really cool down there.

[177] You have to take this trail that's like a half of a mile and then you get to this ridge line and then you take these rustic steps down with like logs and rocks and shit.

[178] Then you get down to the creek and walk a little further.

[179] So as we're walking to the creek, my friend Julie and I kind of hang back and we're like, let's convince the boys to go skinny dipping and we'll take their clothes and run.

[180] Oh, sure.

[181] classic trick.

[182] It's classic, right?

[183] Monica, of course we're going to do that.

[184] We're going to steal their clothes and run.

[185] So that exact thing happens.

[186] We get down to the creek basin, we walk a little ways to get to deeper water.

[187] And we're like, hey guys, what do you think about skinny?

[188] And like before we can even stop saying the sentence, they're already like five seconds.

[189] All their clothes are off.

[190] Their shoes are off and they're in the water.

[191] They've been waiting their whole lives for two ladies to ask them to get naked.

[192] Yeah.

[193] Totally.

[194] I'm sorry to interject now, but this sounds very much like Kraus Springs.

[195] Do you know where Wimberley is?

[196] Yeah.

[197] It was in Wimberley.

[198] Okay.

[199] Have you been to Crowell Springs?

[200] Yeah, a bunch of times.

[201] I love it.

[202] But you walk down all these pathways and there's a ridge and then there's a beautiful creek.

[203] It's really similar.

[204] My best friend lives in Wimberley.

[205] Oh, my God.

[206] Oh, my God.

[207] Oh, my God.

[208] When you're ever going to get aired?

[209] This one does not like me. anymore.

[210] Okay, so they get naked, they jump in.

[211] As soon as they do, you know, we've been down, scoop up all their clothes and their shoes, every single thing, and we just start running.

[212] We run up the steps.

[213] We're like laughing.

[214] You know how you laugh so hard?

[215] You're like out of breath.

[216] And just the visual, I'm imagining the three naked guys with shit swinging around, like chasing after us.

[217] So we don't even turn around.

[218] We run straight to the cab and we throw shit down.

[219] We get on the to wait for them to come back up the trail.

[220] Because this cabin's in like a pot of other cabins.

[221] There's other people out milling around and we just thought it was going to be hilarious for them to come up the trail naked and we would all have a big laugh.

[222] But like 20 minutes go by.

[223] Oh, God.

[224] Oh, 30 minutes.

[225] No boys.

[226] It's getting dark outside and we realized like something terrible has probably happened.

[227] We remembered that Ian, the guy who lived there and Jason, our remade had grab little flashlights when we left the house.

[228] And remember, this is like the 90s.

[229] So there's no cell phones with flashlights or anything.

[230] It's like those little bitty maglights.

[231] Yeah.

[232] So we started rummaging around in their pant pockets and we find two maglights, Ian's and Jason's.

[233] And we dig around in Warren's pants.

[234] Oh, yeah.

[235] We didn't find a flashlight, but what we found was the thickest pair of eyeglasses you've ever seen, like Coke bottle thing.

[236] And the two of us pull it out and we're like, oh, my God.

[237] This guy is like seriously visually impaired.

[238] Yeah, legally blind for sure.

[239] And he didn't wear his glasses because he wanted to look handsome.

[240] And now he's trapped down in the water naked.

[241] Exactly.

[242] And he didn't want to tell people he was blind and he took up his glasses.

[243] He didn't want us to know that.

[244] Yeah.

[245] Oh, you're right.

[246] There's a lot of cautionary tales.

[247] One is like, don't let your vanity kill you.

[248] Oh, you're right.

[249] Keep your glasses on.

[250] Also, be nice, sir.

[251] Well, I think that'll be over.

[252] We realized, like, oh, we left this blind guy down there in the creek.

[253] It's super dark.

[254] Oh, fuck.

[255] We've got to go rescue them.

[256] So we grab the flashlights and we head back down the trail.

[257] And as I'm telling this, I was thinking about this this morning.

[258] Like, it's really funny.

[259] We did not grab their clothes or their shoes or anything.

[260] Of course, we're just, like, get the flashlights and find these guys.

[261] So we get to the stairs area and hear the things.

[262] Three of them come, and they looked like they had been to war.

[263] Like, a complete disaster.

[264] Our roommate, Jason, was covered in mud from head to toes, caked on him everywhere.

[265] Like Lord of the fries.

[266] Scratches?

[267] What the fuck?

[268] Was there a tiger?

[269] His hair was on that step.

[270] He had, like, sticks stuck on him.

[271] Ian, the guy who lived there, he was just dirty.

[272] He didn't look as bad.

[273] But that guy, Warren, you know, all.

[274] Oh, no. Was blood coming out of his eyes?

[275] Monica.

[276] Jeez, Monica.

[277] Well, you guys, he's blind.

[278] He looked like someone had full force just punched him in the face.

[279] Oh, no. His eye was all swollen up.

[280] Like, it was a black and blue.

[281] He had a big gash on his forehead, like, with all this coagulated blood.

[282] He looked just totally dazed.

[283] His knees were all busted up.

[284] Well, also, you think that was scary.

[285] Look, like, it's dark and they're shining a flashlight and they're revealing Warren's mangled face.

[286] Like, you got to think of how dramatic, too, the lighting probably was.

[287] Did you guys go like, ah, wouldn't you shine the light on the street?

[288] We're like, what the hell happened?

[289] Just as we suspected, like, as soon as we stole their clothes, they came charging after us.

[290] But since Warden couldn't see, he tripped over this log and he face -planted immediately into a big rock.

[291] Oh, Warren.

[292] I want the story to be funny, but it's kind of sad, too.

[293] It can be sad.

[294] Life is both a comedy and a tragedy.

[295] True.

[296] He'd fallen on his face, and they thought he was a little concussed.

[297] And because it was getting so dark down there, they didn't want to just leave him.

[298] Oh, yeah.

[299] So Ian, the cabin guy, stayed with him while Jason, our roommate, tried to go find help.

[300] Oh, my God, naked.

[301] Was he lost?

[302] Yeah.

[303] How were you guys able to navigate to the cabin?

[304] No problem.

[305] But Jason.

[306] Because it had gotten dark outside.

[307] And he kept slipping in the mud or something?

[308] Wait for it, Monica.

[309] He couldn't find the rustic stairs back up to the ridgeline.

[310] Oh, okay.

[311] He had some rock climbing experience.

[312] So he decided he would climb up like the 25 or 30 foot wall to get up to the cliff above.

[313] This is also a cautionary tale.

[314] Well, he's drunk and young.

[315] Oh, he's drunk.

[316] Oh, for God.

[317] Right.

[318] And remember, they're all still naked, which is important here because this wall of this cliff was covered in vines.

[319] Oh.

[320] And so he started fashioning like a harness out of the vines, like wrap the vines around his feet, the vines around his waist.

[321] He put the vines between his legs to create like this kind of seat.

[322] And he literally climbed up all of these vines.

[323] to the top, and then he helped the guys back up.

[324] So, needless to say, nobody wanted to party anymore.

[325] Nobody liked us.

[326] Yeah.

[327] Everybody decided we should just go home.

[328] So we went home.

[329] We drove back to Austin.

[330] That night, you didn't spend the night.

[331] We just drove back.

[332] Oh, man. It was bad.

[333] No one talked in the car on the way back.

[334] But flash forward to the next morning, Julie and I are hanging out in the kitchen, having coffee.

[335] when we hear these sounds coming out at Jason's room, like whimpering, ill groans, sad things.

[336] We opened his door, and he was sprawled out on his bed with the sheets kicked off.

[337] He was, again, totally nude.

[338] And he looked like someone had taken his body and dipped it in, like, acid or that he'd been burned.

[339] Like his head and neck, arms, palms of it.

[340] of his hands, torso, legs, feet, everything was like this magenta color.

[341] And was he a blistered everywhere?

[342] Some blisters had started in all of his crotchal region.

[343] Crotchal, yeah.

[344] Front and the back.

[345] Poison ivy?

[346] The vines were some kind of poison.

[347] Yeah, so he took him to the emergency room and the doctor diagnosed him with, and I quote, the worst case of poison ivy he'd ever seen in his entire career what did they do for that they shot him full of steroids tons of been a drill but he was just on his back and his bed for days after that oh my oh my god did you guys feel so bad i still feel bad it's taken me 25 years for me to even want to tell the story because i still feel so bad about it i mean that cliff that he'd climbed up was like Jurassic Park level like poison ivy jungle and you know the sad thing is it's such a G rated joke like it started out so silly and innocent it's almost like out of a movie about ninth graders yeah what was that ninth graders yeah it's so innocent and silly and you guys almost murdered two people between Warren's concussion and this I know but also cautionary tale for Jason know your limits you think you're this big rock client and you're not.

[348] It's almost like don't go chasing waterfalls.

[349] Stick to the...

[350] Yeah, like, you can climb rock.

[351] That doesn't mean you can climb vines.

[352] You're not Tarzan.

[353] He took it a little too far with making his grundle and stuff.

[354] Or his crotchal parts.

[355] There's a lot of tails in there.

[356] But this one, I think, is just don't steal the skinny dippers clothes.

[357] And have you stayed in touch with Jason?

[358] No. It's been a long time.

[359] But we were still friends after that.

[360] I mean, we lived together for a while.

[361] That guy, Warren, though, he told Ian, like, I never want to see those girls again.

[362] Well, he doesn't have to see them if he doesn't wear his glasses.

[363] You know, it's crazy.

[364] Don't make fun of people.

[365] I'm sorry.

[366] It was just so, it was really good.

[367] I can't believe you didn't laugh.

[368] And I had to be sad.

[369] I was thinking, what's funny is I had this dead wrong, which is Warren wasn't the issue.

[370] You guys were the issue.

[371] And from Warren's point of view, it was like, well, these friends of friends fucking almost killed us.

[372] Uh -huh.

[373] Warren's like the innocent saccharacter.

[374] The Friends of Friends.

[375] Oh, my God.

[376] What a twist.

[377] If you found Warren and he told the story, it would be the opposite side.

[378] We're talking to Warren at 240, actually.

[379] Oh, my gosh.

[380] I wonder where that guy is.

[381] That was a doozy.

[382] I mean, I'm going to say, yeah, no more pranks for anyone.

[383] Well.

[384] Yeah.

[385] You've got to add up all the pranks over time, the ones that went good, the ones that went bad.

[386] Did it curb your future prankiness?

[387] Did you back off pranks after that or no?

[388] No, no. Just, you know, the stealing of clothes.

[389] I love to play pranks on people.

[390] Yeah.

[391] That was a rhetorical question.

[392] Wow.

[393] Yeah, I had a hunch.

[394] These cautionary tales are going to be a bummer because no one's really learned any lessons.

[395] Well, I guess that's true.

[396] Maybe you're just telling the story to yourself.

[397] We do that sometimes.

[398] We tell other people of stories we need to hear.

[399] That was kind of therapeutic.

[400] Thanks, guys.

[401] I needed to get that off my chest.

[402] Well, Amy, that was a joy, and you seem like you were really fun to grow up with.

[403] I'm a little jealous that I wasn't in Austin with you or now in Asheville because I love to go skinny dipping and get poison ivy.

[404] Come on.

[405] It's not too late.

[406] Thank you for chatting with us.

[407] Yeah, very nice meeting you.

[408] Could I ask you a super favor to say happy birthday to my friend Lori?

[409] She is such an armed cherry fan.

[410] She loves you.

[411] She turned me on to you guys and she's turning 50 next week.

[412] Oh, amazing.

[413] Happy birthday, Lori.

[414] That means we were both born roughly the same time.

[415] I guess she was probably 74.

[416] But I'm knocking right on the back door.

[417] Hope she has a great birthday.

[418] Stay strong, Lori.

[419] Happy birthday.

[420] Thank you both so much.

[421] Yeah, take care, Amy.

[422] Even though I wanted it to be Amy Hanson, that was very fun.

[423] It was.

[424] She's a fun person that, Amy, we just talked to it.

[425] Yeah, I hate pranks.

[426] I know you do.

[427] They're one of your triggers.

[428] Should we do that as a prompt?

[429] Oh, that's good.

[430] Pranks gone wrong.

[431] Have we not done that one?

[432] No, didn't we?

[433] because remember the girl in her school?

[434] Yeah, we did.

[435] I don't care.

[436] We can do it again.

[437] We're going to have to recycle for crying out loud.

[438] We got to do 48 again.

[439] For like six more years than we recycle.

[440] All right, here's Madeline.

[441] Hi, Monica.

[442] Hi, Dax.

[443] Hi, is Madeline?

[444] It's Madeline.

[445] It's one of the most beautiful names in the world.

[446] And I don't know if you've heard enough episodes to know that my grandmother's name was Madeline.

[447] And she thought because she was born in, I guess, the 30s, that Madeline was a grandma name and an ugly name.

[448] So guess what?

[449] She went by her whole.

[450] whole life.

[451] So much prettier.

[452] Midge.

[453] Midge?

[454] So much prettier.

[455] Objectively.

[456] I love my name.

[457] So thank you so much.

[458] No, it's so beautiful.

[459] We were always confused growing up.

[460] Like, why does Grandma Midge think Madeline is so gross?

[461] But Midge is like a super elegant name.

[462] Midge Bolting.

[463] Oh, wow.

[464] Yep, Bolting.

[465] You heard it.

[466] She just doubled down.

[467] I guess she did.

[468] Good for her.

[469] She did.

[470] Yeah, maybe Madeline Bolting was too mixed message.

[471] Yeah.

[472] She's a straight shooter.

[473] Madeline, where are you?

[474] you other than in your closet?

[475] I'm in my closet in London, Ontario, Canada.

[476] Oh my God, so close to Detroit.

[477] Yeah, pretty close.

[478] Do you ever go to Detroit?

[479] No. No, of course not.

[480] You're what about an hour and a half from Toronto, two hours?

[481] About two hours, yeah.

[482] And you know, Rachel McAdams is from your hometown, right?

[483] Oh my gosh.

[484] She is one time I saw her in a coffee shop.

[485] Wow.

[486] What did she order?

[487] Do you know, I don't know what she ordered.

[488] She was just in the coffee shop, but I used to work at the University of Toronto, and there was a coffee shop on campus that she went to.

[489] Oh, my gosh.

[490] Was she with?

[491] She was Ryan Gosling?

[492] No, I don't think so.

[493] Was she a student there?

[494] No, I think that she was just in Toronto.

[495] Can you tell us more about her?

[496] I wish I could.

[497] Okay, so Madeline, you have a cautionary tale.

[498] Does it take place in London, Ontario?

[499] It doesn't.

[500] It actually takes place in Alberta in a city called Grand Prairie, which is quite north in Alberta.

[501] Sounds beautiful.

[502] It was like a prairie, but it was close to the mountain.

[503] So, I mean, I didn't complain.

[504] It was back in 2017.

[505] And I moved there with my boyfriend at the time, who was now my husband, for his job.

[506] So we were going to move into our first house there.

[507] And we worked all week.

[508] And wait, should I tell you the name of my cautionary tale first?

[509] Yeah, please.

[510] I didn't.

[511] Oh, you made a name for it?

[512] That's great.

[513] I did.

[514] The cautionary tale, bottom line is don't brush your teeth sitting in bed.

[515] Oh, okay.

[516] Oh, I love this.

[517] Okay, good, because that sounds very innocuous.

[518] I wasn't expecting that.

[519] Yes, we worked all week and then got home Friday afternoon, and we were going to pack up the house to move over the week.

[520] end.

[521] And so we packed until probably about midnight, decided it was time to call it quits.

[522] And so my husband went into the onsuit and was brushing his teeth, getting ready for bed.

[523] And I was like, I'm just going to take a beat, sit on the bed, scroll my phone for a minute.

[524] Really quick, Madeline, I hate to interrupt your flow, but you call the bathroom off of the bedroom an onsuit.

[525] You just educated me on something.

[526] Yeah, that's what we call it.

[527] Wow.

[528] Primary bath.

[529] Is it Canadian or is it's not?

[530] It's not.

[531] That's right.

[532] Okay, so he was in the en suite, which is the bathroom connected to the bedroom.

[533] That's correct.

[534] Okay, lovely.

[535] I was just sitting up against the pillows, scrolling my phone, and my husband's very sweet.

[536] Every time I'm around and I haven't brushed my teeth yet, and he gets his toothbrush ready with the toothpaste.

[537] He does mine as well.

[538] So I knew it was sitting there waiting for me. So I was like, can you just pass me my tooth brush?

[539] I'll brush my teeth while I'm sitting here and get up and continue with my bedtime routine.

[540] And so he did and I'm sitting there just brushing my teeth and it's an electric tooth fresh and it runs its course and it's done.

[541] So I'm sitting there holding it in my mouth still getting up to go rinse.

[542] And since I was leaning on some pillows, I needed a little bit of momentum to get out of bed.

[543] So I leaned back and I went to like sit up.

[544] As I went to sit up, my knee also came towards me. and it met my elbow and hit my toothbrush, which lodged into the back of my throat.

[545] Oh, my God.

[546] What?

[547] So, like, I impaled my throat.

[548] No. It punctured your throat?

[549] It did.

[550] No. It went into my throat, yeah.

[551] So I get up, I run to the bathroom, and I, like, push my husband out of the way, and I spit into the sink, and it's just, like, a blood bath.

[552] Oh, God.

[553] Really quick, when you pulled your toothbrush out of your mouth, out, did you feel it coming out of the back of your throat?

[554] Good question.

[555] I don't remember.

[556] Yeah, you were in a state of shock.

[557] Oh my God.

[558] I know.

[559] I already had the hebi -jeebies at the notion you were brushing your teeth without water.

[560] Oh my God.

[561] Like, that's where my hebi -jibis the toothbrush had been buttered, then brought to her in bed.

[562] Yeah.

[563] For me to brush my teeth, I got to butter it and then I run it under water.

[564] I need a lot of water in there.

[565] You did that before.

[566] So it came in almost drippy and a little messy.

[567] My, my, yeah.

[568] My, my.

[569] Mine doesn't need to be, I rinse it first, then I butter it, and then I brush.

[570] But just imagine, like I did, dry tooth brush, toothpaste, then handed to you in bed, and you just start smearing paste all over your mouth.

[571] I get what you mean.

[572] You need it to be a little wet, but he had already gone ahead.

[573] Yeah, we didn't raw dog it.

[574] Oh, my God, I just remembered the throat.

[575] Oh, yes.

[576] Bloodbath in a sink, and he's like, oh, my gosh, what happened?

[577] And I was like, I hit my toothbrush in my throat.

[578] So he looks and his face instantly changed from like, why are you pushing me to like, oh my gosh, we have to go to the emergency room right now.

[579] Oh, gosh.

[580] It's well after midnight.

[581] We're driving to the emergency room and we get there.

[582] We're in triage and the nurse is like, what happened?

[583] And I'm so embarrassed.

[584] Like, I don't want to tell her what happened.

[585] Yeah.

[586] What I say, as if this is any better, I say I just brush my teeth a little too hard.

[587] Oh, that's worse.

[588] Aren't we all weird?

[589] We're so weird.

[590] It's such a bizarre decision to make, but I can totally relate to doing it.

[591] Yeah, I was like, fight, flight, or freeze.

[592] So they still provided me excellent care.

[593] We go into the waiting room and we waited probably an hour, which is not bad.

[594] We get into the patient room to see the doctor and he's just like flabbergasted, like has never seen anything like this before.

[595] And he's like, well, it's really late at night.

[596] I'm not calling the dentist on call, but we need to stitch this.

[597] Oh.

[598] He goes and gets some materials.

[599] he needs to put stitches in my throat.

[600] I feel like you need a surgeon for this.

[601] Me too.

[602] Because how do you even...

[603] It's so deep in your...

[604] Okay, we'll get to that.

[605] Exactly.

[606] So he gets out with this big, long needle, freezes it once the anesthetic sets in.

[607] He pulls up this huge needle that is like curved.

[608] Like it's like a big hug.

[609] Huge fish hook.

[610] So he starts stitching and I'm laying back and there's all these like surgical lights above me and my husband's standing in there.

[611] And he's watching him and he'll do a. stitch and then like pause for a second, take a step back.

[612] And at one point, he was like, I understand why dentists have those suckers because it was just like pooling saliva.

[613] Oh, sure.

[614] Yeah.

[615] Yeah.

[616] So we do a stitch undo it.

[617] Do a stitch undo it.

[618] Like I couldn't feel the pain, but I could feel it.

[619] So anyways, he finishes up, writes me a prescription for antibiotics so I don't get an infection and sends us on our way.

[620] So then the next day, I go to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics and she's like, I see you have a penicillin allergy, but we normally don't prescribe this antibiotic.

[621] Can I ask what it's for?

[622] And I was just like, I can't tell her the story either.

[623] So I'm just like, oh, I have a cut in my mouth and then I like ran out of it.

[624] It's fine now, though.

[625] Like, it healed up perfectly.

[626] How many stitches did you receive?

[627] Do you know what?

[628] I don't know, but I did send in pictures like before and after.

[629] Oh, Rob says he doesn't have them, but I bet Emma has them.

[630] Do you send them to Emma?

[631] I sent them to Emma, yeah.

[632] I got to see this.

[633] I'm going to regret seeing this, but, of course, I have to see this.

[634] So, wow, okay, that answers my question because you can't get your fingers back in there.

[635] So you just have an enormous long fish hook that you do it with.

[636] Yeah, that's how they do it, which I never would have known.

[637] I do wish you called the dentist on call, though.

[638] I just love, though, that you're, like, ascending level of embarrassment.

[639] You had the one lie, which is I did it brushing my teeth, which you didn't.

[640] Then even that's too embarrassing.

[641] So now it's just, I cut my mouth.

[642] Yeah.

[643] The idea of having a whole, yeah, when you were swallowing, what was happening?

[644] It felt like, you know, when you have a sore throat and it's razor blades.

[645] Oh, you were just talking about that.

[646] You just had that.

[647] And that's a horrible feeling.

[648] So I took lots of Tylenol.

[649] I didn't really eat anything solid for a few days.

[650] But then it was like those stitches that dissolve and out they went and I just carried on.

[651] Wow.

[652] Yeah, and your mouth heals very quickly.

[653] I imagine your throat does too, right?

[654] It does.

[655] This is such a specific cautionary.

[656] I am scared now.

[657] I am definitely only going to brush my teeth in an upright standing up in the in suite.

[658] Although you don't have an in suite yet.

[659] Monica has to go in a hallway like a caveman to go to her bathroom.

[660] It's a long walk.

[661] But maybe it saved my life.

[662] Could have.

[663] Oh, God.

[664] I would love video of you trying to rock yourself.

[665] Oh, they've come.

[666] Let's see.

[667] Oh, it is a legit, just hole.

[668] Okay, great, though.

[669] This is slightly.

[670] better than I was expecting.

[671] It's after the surgery.

[672] Well, it's on the side of your mouth.

[673] Oh, here's a little more fresh before it's healed, I guess.

[674] That's the stitches.

[675] Yeah.

[676] I was picturing the center punching your throat.

[677] No, it was kind of like biting it.

[678] It is throat.

[679] It's just a little on the side.

[680] But also, your tongue is so cute.

[681] Do you notice how you don't have any like white on your tongue or anything?

[682] It's so, right?

[683] I just brush my teeth.

[684] Well, look how healthy.

[685] Maybe she did a filter.

[686] on it.

[687] There's like one of the healthiest tongues I've ever seen.

[688] It's like a baby's.

[689] It does look nice.

[690] I feel a little weird that we're zooming in.

[691] No. You like this, right?

[692] Because it's so complimentary.

[693] Sure.

[694] I'd be so anxious if somebody was zooming it on a picture of my tongue.

[695] Unless you had that tongue, you'd be like, yeah, go ahead and get close.

[696] Things have gone too far, but we're very grossed out by your story.

[697] I'm glad you're grossed out by it.

[698] Actually, after I submitted, my friend was like, no, you should submit a different story.

[699] No, maybe we'll talk to you a second time for a different story.

[700] Do you have a lot of stories?

[701] Yeah, I'm a pretty clumsy person, so I also had another good cautionary tale, but if something comes about washing machines, maybe I can do that one.

[702] Okay, great.

[703] Well, it's very nice to meet you, Madeline.

[704] I'm glad you healed up.

[705] Thank you for having me. This was like a bucket list experience.

[706] You probably don't even have a scar back there, right, because the mouth heals so nicely?

[707] Not that I've noticed.

[708] We'll send a picture, close -up picture of your tongue and the side of your mouth.

[709] I'll give it a good once over, I'll tell you.

[710] You just want to see my tongue again.

[711] It's gorgeous.

[712] You should be very proud.

[713] Well, really nice meeting you.

[714] Thanks for telling us that story.

[715] Amazing.

[716] Thank you guys.

[717] I feel like I want to go look at my tongue in the mirror up close.

[718] To see if it looks like that?

[719] I want to see what mine looks like.

[720] I would be very nervous that mine had like some white on it or something.

[721] Because you're sick.

[722] I don't know.

[723] I drink a lot of things.

[724] I know.

[725] Most of us.

[726] You know, fuck, I don't want to make anyone self -conscious.

[727] But, you know, sometimes you see someone their tongue's like white.

[728] That's, oh, you're right.

[729] We're not about.

[730] Yeah, because I don't think anyone's picking that or doing it intentional.

[731] I don't think you can give yourself that on purpose.

[732] But I brush my tongue really thoroughly every morning and every night.

[733] Me too.

[734] Because I have a big fear of having that whiteness.

[735] Well, also that's where a lot of the bacteria lives.

[736] And you know where else it lives, according to my dentist?

[737] So once I learned this, I do it all the time.

[738] Your palate.

[739] That's tickly.

[740] Yeah, it's gaggy and tickly.

[741] But it's important to do.

[742] I'll do it.

[743] I'll add that tonight.

[744] In fact, I can't wait now to brush my teeth.

[745] I might do it in bed.

[746] No. I'm not going to go into the onsuit.

[747] Oh, my God.

[748] You know what my therapist said to me, I've never laughed this hard in therapy.

[749] I haven't laughed this hard in a very long time.

[750] But he said to me, well, you are, let's say, very resistant to learning.

[751] Oh, that is.

[752] And I fucking, that hit me. That's not true, though.

[753] So hard.

[754] In many ways, it's really a bullseye.

[755] I mean, in some ways it's true.

[756] In some ways, it's not true.

[757] Yeah.

[758] It really floored me. You could hear that.

[759] Oh, my God.

[760] But, you know, like, when someone hits something...

[761] You can only hear that coming from a few people.

[762] Hence the you have a hard time learning.

[763] Oh, yeah.

[764] Because you don't trust anybody or anything.

[765] So it kind of came out of the blue, but I just said that because...

[766] Tongues?

[767] Yeah, because I am going to try brushing the roof of my...

[768] And you're going to try to impale yourself.

[769] No, I'm just going to make an effort to be more open to learning.

[770] Oh, that's good.

[771] I was laughing Zard because I'm like, it's so right and how embarrassing is expressedly someone who claims to love learning.

[772] I like learning info from a book.

[773] that no one has to deliver to me. I know.

[774] All right, here's Eric.

[775] Eric Richardson.

[776] All our friends are calling in.

[777] Hi.

[778] Is it Eric?

[779] Yeah.

[780] You've draped some kind of makeshift sound dampener behind you.

[781] I like it.

[782] Me too.

[783] It's blankets in like one of those arc lights.

[784] I got some like potato chip bag clips.

[785] Oh.

[786] You went all out.

[787] It looks good.

[788] It sounds good.

[789] We appreciate it.

[790] Are you a fabricator by trade or just, Today you stepped up to the plate.

[791] You called me on it.

[792] I'm an architect.

[793] Oh, my God.

[794] I'm a nerd.

[795] Architects are cool.

[796] My best friend's dad is an architect, and he's very cool.

[797] Where are you at?

[798] I'm in Seattle.

[799] Great town for an architect.

[800] It is.

[801] And do you do commercial or everything?

[802] Did you love Fountainhead?

[803] Do you like Howard Roar?

[804] Tell me. You know, I read it when I was in the eighth grade.

[805] When I was a little kid, I was obsessed with it.

[806] I was like, that's what I want to do.

[807] Then it kind of came out later that it's just this kind of narcissism, and there's all this toxic.

[808] philosophy in it and I was like, huh, yeah.

[809] But I did a long roundabout thing before I got into architecture.

[810] I went and I was a design builder and I built like earth houses.

[811] Okay.

[812] Wow.

[813] Very Washington of you.

[814] I lived all over the place.

[815] So I moved all around in Colorado, California.

[816] You've done it all.

[817] Yeah.

[818] The fountainhead, I think, appeals to a young man a lot because it's all about having conviction and who you are and a vision.

[819] And then you get older and you're like, yeah, it's my way or the highway and then I'm lonely and no one likes me. So, So maybe there's another approach.

[820] Well, that's the biggest problem with architecture is egos.

[821] We call them, like, you know, the caved architects.

[822] They come in, and it's like, I've come to save you poor, ignorant people.

[823] Yeah.

[824] It's terrible.

[825] And, I mean, it's one of the most collaborative professions there are.

[826] And it should be all about good, interdisciplinary thinking.

[827] You know, asking the questions is the funnest part.

[828] You sound nice like my architect, Bill.

[829] Shout out.

[830] I love him.

[831] I take that as the highest praise.

[832] It is.

[833] Okay, you have a cautionary.

[834] Hell.

[835] Yes.

[836] This is actually from my honeymoon.

[837] Oh.

[838] 2007.

[839] My wife and I got married in Portland.

[840] We wanted to go to Thailand for like a month and really like do it up.

[841] My wife's best friend decides to get married the week after, even though we've been planning it for forever.

[842] So anyway, we have to like go to New York City right after.

[843] So we're like, okay, where's close?

[844] We were kind of dirtbag kids.

[845] 27 is kind of young, I guess, to get married.

[846] Yeah.

[847] So we've done Central America a bunch, but we've never been to Belize.

[848] It's super beautiful.

[849] For a honeymoon, it's great because there's not a lot.

[850] to do so you can just do what you need to do on your honeymoon.

[851] And it's on the Caribbean, yeah?

[852] Yeah, we were in Amber Geese Key.

[853] We stayed at this little beach cabana, three cabanas, and then like a restaurant, like a little tiki bar type thing.

[854] This sounds like heaven.

[855] I want to go.

[856] It really was like the owners.

[857] Maybe they've been on like Jimmy Buffett tour too long.

[858] Like stay too long in Margaritaville, a little bit older, expats.

[859] Very nice.

[860] Boosy?

[861] Very boozy.

[862] I think one of them was reforms, but then it would like kind of go off the rails.

[863] Sure.

[864] Dack Shepherd type.

[865] Yeah.

[866] They have a 14 -year -old son, and there was always this kind of, like, tension and drama.

[867] Like, he was always getting into trouble.

[868] We were just having a good time.

[869] And we're trying to, like, ignore all of that.

[870] There are these, like, kind of fights and, like, are going to send you to military school?

[871] Oh, my God.

[872] There was a little bit of a lot.

[873] But anyway, so we kind of ignore that.

[874] We have beautiful days.

[875] And then on the third night, we went to the nice local restaurant.

[876] My wife decides to eat the salad.

[877] Oh.

[878] Okay.

[879] And I was kind of like, oh, I don't know.

[880] The next day, Jackson Pollock and Porcelain type situation.

[881] Yeah.

[882] You know, I wanted to like stick around, but, you know, out of here.

[883] Monica policy.

[884] Yeah.

[885] I was like, all right, what do I do?

[886] And then I remember this kid that I've been like trying to put out of my mind, he was very boisterous.

[887] He was like, I'll show you the best spots on the islands for spear fishing.

[888] I was like, oh, great.

[889] You know, that's going to be fun.

[890] I lived in Hawaii, done some spear fishing before.

[891] I was like, that sounds great.

[892] So I got really excited.

[893] I'm like a big child when it comes to the ocean.

[894] Finns, masks, spears, hop into a kayak.

[895] The whole place is like this big linear beach and then there's a reef.

[896] I did my Monica fact check.

[897] It's the longest barrier reef in the Western Hemisphere, 700 miles.

[898] There's like a half a mile between the beach and the reef.

[899] And it's just this kind of like monolithic extrusion.

[900] Yeah.

[901] So we went out.

[902] There are different little anchor spots.

[903] You tie off your kayak.

[904] It's like a swimming pool.

[905] There's not a lot going on.

[906] It's kind of boring.

[907] And there's no fish.

[908] So it's kind of like, what about the next spot?

[909] This kid kind of had a lot of pigeony isms.

[910] Oh, okay.

[911] What's that mean?

[912] Hybrid language, like slang, island slang.

[913] He was like really trying to fit in, take on the local language, but it was kind of like.

[914] Yeah, yeah.

[915] Sure, sure.

[916] Poser.

[917] Yeah, we went to the next spot.

[918] Same thing.

[919] We went to another spot.

[920] Each time, you know, he's like, oh, big time.

[921] I know what you, you know, we're going to find the deep spot.

[922] You know, it's going to be great.

[923] Tons of fish.

[924] Every time I was like, all right.

[925] You know, I think it's third or fourth time.

[926] I mean, like, we left at, like, eight in the morning.

[927] It was well afternoon, like one or two.

[928] We just brought water.

[929] It was, like, hasty.

[930] When I was running out to the kayak, I was, like, applying the sunscreen myself.

[931] Yeah.

[932] I don't want to ask my wife, but something snapped within this kid because I started complaining and, like, questioned, I think his masculinity a little bit.

[933] You know, it's like, okay, fine.

[934] I got it.

[935] We're going to go to the spot.

[936] I was like, all right, great.

[937] I think this is a breakthrough moment.

[938] So we paddle way farther south from where we were.

[939] Half an hour paddle.

[940] Same thing, anchor, tie off.

[941] Hop in.

[942] And we start cruising around and it does start to, like, drop off and get deep.

[943] And I'm like, oh, this is sweet.

[944] Start going down and checking stuff out.

[945] Like, this is perfect.

[946] And as I'm just kind of happy enjoying it, you know, look over to the kid, like, good job.

[947] About that time, I started to realize that we're being pulled and being pulled pretty fast.

[948] Oh, you're in like a current.

[949] Basically, he took me to this huge channel where there's this kind of cut in the reef.

[950] We're like in this river where basically at low tide, that whole 700 mile thing was just emptying.

[951] out in this channel out through the reef.

[952] Oh, my God.

[953] I look around at him, and again, I'm like, all right, time to turn around.

[954] And so we basically just start paddling back.

[955] We're paddling pretty hard.

[956] This is probably like a quarter mile gap in the reef, so there's no rocks on either side.

[957] But we're just continuing to get pulled out.

[958] Oh, boy.

[959] It starts to fuck with your head.

[960] I knew that last thing you want to do is panic, just stay calm.

[961] This kind of went on and we got pulled out into the ocean pretty much, just like past the reef.

[962] All right, now we need to kind of figure out a way to, like, come back.

[963] arounds.

[964] And so we started trying to get to the edge of the channel.

[965] Really quick.

[966] Are you swimming or are you in the kayak at this point?

[967] We're swimming.

[968] We have our like fins and masks on.

[969] We have our spears.

[970] Well, yeah.

[971] Don't lose those.

[972] Yeah.

[973] Like a couple of idiots.

[974] So as we're like out there trying to come back, when you're like a half a mile away, you don't realize how big the waves are on the reef.

[975] The waves are huge crashing on big jagged rocky reefs.

[976] Trying to like thread the needle of getting out of that big channel in the current and getting close to the reef, but not too close.

[977] And we're probably paddling like an hour or so just trying to get back in.

[978] And it started to go through those like head games of my wife flying back by herself.

[979] Yeah, of course.

[980] Yeah.

[981] Oh, did you hear about Eric?

[982] What an idiot.

[983] They never found him.

[984] Oh.

[985] Or I was like thinking, oh, well, we're going to be those people that are just like out in the open ocean for multiple days, slowly getting pecked at.

[986] So it was like all these terrible thoughts.

[987] And I swear to God, I could see back to the cabana like a half a mile away and I could imagine my wife just sitting there just like where is he what's going on like it's just like please i think as i was spinning in my head this kid was also totally losing his shit freaking out of course so he like pulled his mask off you know water and he's like i can't oh god i'm not as tough as i thought i was and i don't speak pigeon the mask was off like literally the mask was off the dark part of our brains was like he can't swim anymore like what the fuck am i going to do yeah every man for themselves at this point.

[988] And then I was like, I'm not going to ditch the owner's kid and try and go and get help.

[989] Grab the kid's hands.

[990] And I'm like, we're fucking going.

[991] Like you are swimming.

[992] Kick.

[993] Like stop.

[994] And I think basically because I had to convince him going, I basically talked myself into continuing to push and kick.

[995] You told him what you needed to hear.

[996] Pretty much.

[997] We made it out.

[998] Right around the edge.

[999] There are a few times where he got pretty close to rocks, but got out, got back to the beach stumbled into the cabana.

[1000] The first thing I did was just lean into the sink and just drink out of the sink, which is like the last thing you should ever do.

[1001] Oh, yeah.

[1002] Oh, my God.

[1003] I didn't have water in multiple hours.

[1004] My whole back, you could see where my fingers were trying to apply.

[1005] And there was just this like red raised well.

[1006] So the cautionary tale is don't do anything aggressive on your honeymoon.

[1007] That's not the time.

[1008] Don't listen to boisterous kids and take them for their word, which is obviously like a duh.

[1009] Yeah, I feel like the cautionary.

[1010] Tells much more, don't allow a 14 -year -old boy to lead you anywhere.

[1011] Because they're going to be full of bravado, and they do not know what they're doing.

[1012] They're trying to act like a man. It's like an awkward situation where it's like, oh, this kid's kind of a guy.

[1013] This is totally fine, right?

[1014] Sure.

[1015] And I don't know what 14 years old is on the island.

[1016] Maybe that's 19 in New York.

[1017] I hope he got sent to military school.

[1018] I kept pushing him, too.

[1019] I only made it worse.

[1020] Maybe that's part of the cautionary tale.

[1021] Don't do that.

[1022] Don't challenge your 14 -year -old guy.

[1023] Just hang out with me. your wife when she has the hannis, right?

[1024] Oh, that would have been so sad for her if she got food poisoning and her husband died?

[1025] Well, and then she would tell herself it was her fault because had she not gotten food poisoning, he wouldn't have left her.

[1026] No, she'd be like, my husband's an idiot.

[1027] In a weird way, and I don't know why I think this, but I've been in the situation probably four times in my life where you're losing your shit and you have to say, oh, this is that time you hear about, you need to get your thinking together or you actually are going to die.

[1028] I feel like my Bora Bora story that you probably heard is very similar.

[1029] Being halfway between that island and the barge they jumped off of and just going like, yeah, well, I can't swim to either of those points.

[1030] I don't have enough energy left.

[1031] But in a weird way, I'm super grateful to have had that experience.

[1032] Do you feel that way?

[1033] Like, I feel like people should have that.

[1034] No, because a lot of people die.

[1035] This has happened twice, though.

[1036] I one time when I lived in Hawaii, I was out swimming with the dolphins.

[1037] perfect day.

[1038] The humpbacks are just there.

[1039] I can totally see them.

[1040] Pictorial fins, waving, tried to go farther out.

[1041] And yeah, I had a really long, tough bout trying to get back.

[1042] Where you keep like getting on your back.

[1043] You're like, well, the only way I'll make it is if I float on my back and paddle, but then you can't see where you're going, you get off course.

[1044] Just no more oceans.

[1045] Yeah, so I don't fuck with the ocean anymore.

[1046] Yeah, smart.

[1047] That was strike two.

[1048] Strike three, I'm done.

[1049] Yeah.

[1050] I just don't want to ever like get on a cruise shit and get like knocked off.

[1051] I think about that every time I've been on a cruise ship.

[1052] You're out at night looking at the stars.

[1053] It's beautiful.

[1054] But then you start looking at the churning water.

[1055] It's black.

[1056] And you're like, oh, my God.

[1057] And it takes the boat like five miles to turn around.

[1058] That's kind of terrifying.

[1059] Well, Eric, I'm really glad you made it.

[1060] I actually am more curious.

[1061] So that was 17 years ago.

[1062] So that boy's 32.

[1063] Oh, my God.

[1064] I wonder if he took over the family business.

[1065] Maybe he'll call in for a prompt at some point.

[1066] I was an idiot kid.

[1067] So no judgment.

[1068] And also, I was an idiot 27 -year -old.

[1069] Yeah.

[1070] Well, it's very nice meeting you and hearing that story.

[1071] I just have to say, you're obviously at the top of the game.

[1072] And what you do, for me, it's like, how can I be a better human?

[1073] Your honesty, your love, your truth, your banter, everything.

[1074] You guys bring so much joy to my life.

[1075] And I know so many other people.

[1076] So thank you guys.

[1077] Thank you.

[1078] Thank you, Eric.

[1079] Well, it's so nice meeting you.

[1080] You're every bit of every armchair.

[1081] You're super smart and kind.

[1082] We're grateful for you.

[1083] you.

[1084] Yeah, big time.

[1085] Back at you.

[1086] All right.

[1087] Be well.

[1088] I'm so glad he didn't drown before he listened to us.

[1089] Me too.

[1090] We could have had one less armchair.

[1091] We need him.

[1092] We love him.

[1093] Okay, seriously, though, I'm saying it and I mean it.

[1094] I'm never getting in an ocean.

[1095] Oh, wow.

[1096] Because I already hate it and I already have spidey senses.

[1097] It's not good for me. But we've had an enormous.

[1098] We've had so many bad stories.

[1099] Yeah, the ocean's a bit unpredictable.

[1100] Yeah.

[1101] I prefer my unpredictable.

[1102] On TerraFirma?

[1103] Yeah, in my friends.

[1104] Oh, okay.

[1105] And your connections group?

[1106] Yeah.

[1107] Here's Riley.

[1108] Hello.

[1109] Riley, what does your sweatshirt say, camp something?

[1110] Yeah, it says the camp store, Carlsbad.

[1111] I'm from San Diego, so we go camping in Carlsbad every year.

[1112] Are there caves?

[1113] There are caverns or something?

[1114] Yeah, there are.

[1115] But we camp right on the Carlsbad State Beach.

[1116] And I got it because it looks like Padres colors.

[1117] Oh, wow.

[1118] A double.

[1119] It's a cool.

[1120] sweatshirt.

[1121] Your voice sounds like somebody and I can't place it.

[1122] Well, give me some time.

[1123] I'll work on it.

[1124] Okay.

[1125] Where are you at currently?

[1126] Currently, I'm actually in a place called Jersey Channel Islands, which is in between England and France.

[1127] It's 11 .20 p .m. where I'm at.

[1128] Wow.

[1129] In my head, when I imagined this moment, I was never in a hotel in Jersey, but my dad's from here.

[1130] So, like, all my family lives here.

[1131] So I'm just out here visiting family.

[1132] Oh, fun.

[1133] And is it owned by France or England.

[1134] England, but it's actually closer to France.

[1135] Interesting.

[1136] Mixed messies.

[1137] Okay, you have a cautionary tale.

[1138] My cautionary tale is set in 2019.

[1139] I was a sophomore in college at San Diego State.

[1140] Like I said, I'm from San Diego.

[1141] So I was working at a brewery next to my house where my parents lived.

[1142] And I was kind of on like a health kick, not feeling so great after two years of college partying.

[1143] I was trying to be more active, going to spend class, going to yoga, drinking kombucha, like on a health wave.

[1144] So every day I'll come into work and I'd bring a kombucha with me. I had this one coworker who took special interest in me. I was not reciprocating, but he was nice.

[1145] And one day he came into work and was like, I brought you something.

[1146] And he was like, it's a kombucha.

[1147] And I'm like, well, that's awfully observant of you.

[1148] Thanks.

[1149] I'll take it.

[1150] Even though I didn't really want to take it mostly because it was watermelon, which is not a flavor I enjoy.

[1151] But I was like, whatever.

[1152] I'm just going to take it to avoid the awkwardness.

[1153] And I also just felt awkward.

[1154] I'd rather just do my job, take your nice gesture, move on.

[1155] But I didn't want to drink it because I just don't like the flavor.

[1156] So I put it in my car, forgot about it.

[1157] Fast forward like two weeks.

[1158] I'm driving over from spin class, life's good.

[1159] I get home and I'm like, I'm going to clean out my car.

[1160] I was cleaning everything out, grabbing everything I possibly could in my hands.

[1161] And I see the kombucha bottle underneath my seat.

[1162] And I'm refusing to take two trips.

[1163] Yes, of course.

[1164] Cautionary tale already.

[1165] Cautionary tale number one.

[1166] Take two trips.

[1167] I'm putting everything in my arms.

[1168] I'm carrying it all.

[1169] And as I'm walking into my garage, I can hear, like, my phone's calling somebody.

[1170] Oh, boy.

[1171] And I'm like, what?

[1172] So I'm trying to fumble around, trying to turn off the phone, because I don't know who I'm calling, can't see it.

[1173] And I can feel the kombucha slip out from underneath my armpit.

[1174] It hits the ground.

[1175] It makes me loud of this sound.

[1176] Like, I can hear it in my head to this day.

[1177] And it explodes.

[1178] to like a billion pieces.

[1179] Yeah, because the pressure in those things build up, right?

[1180] As it ferments, it's releasing gas and getting pressurized.

[1181] Right.

[1182] It's been in my car for like a couple hot weeks.

[1183] Bumpy, bumpy, swervy, swervy, shaky, shaky.

[1184] It's been ready to go.

[1185] So it explodes into like a billion pieces.

[1186] It makes the loudest noise.

[1187] I'm like, what the hell?

[1188] I look down and there is a hole in my leg.

[1189] Were you wearing shorts?

[1190] Oh, because you're coming from spin class.

[1191] I'm in my spin outfit.

[1192] I'm like, oh, my.

[1193] God.

[1194] And meanwhile, my best friend, I can hear her voice going, hello, Riley?

[1195] Riley, are you good?

[1196] If I would have just let the phone call go, that wouldn't happen.

[1197] I see the hole in my leg.

[1198] I'm like, okay, what the hell?

[1199] So I get on the ground.

[1200] I'm in like a very interesting position on all fours, but with my leg kind of like propped up.

[1201] Interesting choice to observe your leg, but I understand that's what happened.

[1202] It was like right here on my leg.

[1203] Above ankle.

[1204] Gap between ankle and calf in back.

[1205] So I'm, like, looking into my leg, there's no blood, just a big hole, like this big.

[1206] What?

[1207] She's putting up the size of a silver dollar.

[1208] The second I start to sit down, blood is rushing out, like, all over.

[1209] I'm wearing a sock.

[1210] It fills the sock, and I'm like, okay, shit.

[1211] Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, no, going back up.

[1212] So I call my mom, like, hey, I've dropped something.

[1213] I've cut myself, and we're probably going to need to go to urgent care.

[1214] I'm fine.

[1215] Everything's fine, but it's pretty bad, and can you come home?

[1216] She's like, Riley, I'm in line in the grocery store.

[1217] Can I check out with my stuff first?

[1218] Yeah, this would be me. And by the way, this is a family tradition because she, too, can't deviate from this.

[1219] Like, making two trips for her would be, you know.

[1220] What if she dropped all her groceries?

[1221] And then she also got a hole in her leg.

[1222] Amputated her.

[1223] And then she called her father.

[1224] Yes.

[1225] He lost his sternum.

[1226] So she's like, okay, fine.

[1227] I'll come right now.

[1228] I'm like, yeah, please just come.

[1229] A work shirt was something that was in my pile of my arms.

[1230] So I take the work shirt.

[1231] I like tie it as tight as I can around my ankle.

[1232] Great.

[1233] So I'm just waiting.

[1234] Feels like 45 minutes, but it was probably like five.

[1235] She was not very far away.

[1236] She gets there.

[1237] She's like, okay, let me see.

[1238] So I unravel and I show her, she's like, I'm calling 911.

[1239] Monica, I'm sure you'd appreciate that.

[1240] I love her.

[1241] You guys love 911.

[1242] I love it.

[1243] Knock on one.

[1244] Knock on one.

[1245] That might sound like a little bit silly, but there was glass literally everywhere.

[1246] We didn't know what was in there.

[1247] what had happened.

[1248] We didn't want to cause any more damage.

[1249] If we tried to move me, let's just call 911.

[1250] They get there.

[1251] I'm still just kind of being like, what the hell?

[1252] They wrap me up.

[1253] They put me in the ambulance.

[1254] They take me to the Marines room.

[1255] And I'm sitting there and I'm crying finally.

[1256] And they're like, oh, are you in pain?

[1257] And I'm like, honestly, I'm not in pain.

[1258] I'm just so frustrated.

[1259] I'm mad at yourself.

[1260] Yeah, like, now I'm going to have to get stitches.

[1261] I'm not going to be able to, like, go to my workout classes.

[1262] I'm not going to be able to be active.

[1263] I'm going to have to prolong my health journey for like another two weeks.

[1264] I'm just annoyed.

[1265] This was so avoidable.

[1266] I get to the hospital and after a while they come and they're like, we're going to clean it out and they stick like a bottle inside of my leg and just squeeze as hardly as we can.

[1267] And I start screaming.

[1268] I'm like, okay, that hurts.

[1269] That hurts.

[1270] That hurts.

[1271] And they're like, oh, do you want us to numb it first?

[1272] I'm like, that was an option?

[1273] Yes, I would like you to numb it first.

[1274] As they numb it, they stitch me up.

[1275] They're like, okay, you're good to go.

[1276] Just stay off of it for like two weeks.

[1277] And they're like, hold on.

[1278] We should maybe check your Achilles because it's kind of.

[1279] kind of like right over your tendon.

[1280] I'm like, okay, yeah, go ahead.

[1281] They have me lie down on my stomach and they squeeze my calf because that's how you can manually check your Achilles, your foot will move.

[1282] They squeeze my calf, blinding pain, foot not moving.

[1283] Oh, boy.

[1284] It's severed your Achilles.

[1285] This is Greek all of a sudden.

[1286] Icarus.

[1287] And you might have a little bit of a tear, might have a little damage.

[1288] You should just fall up with ortho.

[1289] And on my head, I'm still thinking, like, it can't be that bad.

[1290] We go meet with another doctor the next day.

[1291] And he's like, yeah, if it's not hanging on by a fiber, I say it's completely cut.

[1292] What?

[1293] Really quick, when they got in there and they flush it out and then they stitch it, did they find a big chunk of glass?

[1294] No. And did they find the watermelon scobie in there?

[1295] They found nothing.

[1296] They even did an x -ray to make sure that there wasn't anything in there before they stitched it up.

[1297] He was like, yeah, I'm going to have you meet with a surgeon because they're going to need to repair it.

[1298] So I meet with a surgeon.

[1299] He's telling me very nonchalantly, right, you're not going to walk for a year.

[1300] That health journey is just getting pushed farther and farther in the distance.

[1301] You'll be like if you're still alive, your health's going to decline so rapidly.

[1302] Yeah, so he's like a full year for full recovery.

[1303] I'll put you in a series of tasks.

[1304] Those fibers will naturally grow back together.

[1305] So we can actually avoid surgery.

[1306] Then we'll put you in a boot with ankle lifts so that we'll gradually put it down.

[1307] And then we'll get you walking in physical therapy and all the way.

[1308] works.

[1309] And I'm like, how did this just happen?

[1310] I can't believe I'd done this to myself.

[1311] He didn't believe me when I told him the story.

[1312] He was like, just so you know, this is a one and a million chance.

[1313] I'm like, wow, I'm so lucky.

[1314] He tells me all that.

[1315] He's like, we're going to get an MRI just to make sure.

[1316] So I get home after doing my MRI and he calls me and he's like, there's a four centimeter gap in your Achilles.

[1317] And it was much lower than normal because it was a slash, a tear.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] Sick.

[1320] So he's like, this is going to be the biggest incision that I do as an orthopedic doctor or feet and ankles.

[1321] And I'm going to go all the way up to the back of your knee from your heel.

[1322] What?

[1323] Oh my God.

[1324] This guy's a Frankenstein.

[1325] Right.

[1326] He's like, I'm going to have to get creative.

[1327] I'm going to be honest.

[1328] I'm not sure what we're going to do.

[1329] Wait, they should never say that.

[1330] They should never say that.

[1331] He basically said, I'm going to wing it.

[1332] Cautionary tale number three, don't tell people that.

[1333] Well, when your doctor says he's going to wing it, second opinion time.

[1334] So he's like, when I get in there, there's a couple of options.

[1335] I could shave a piece of your calf tendon and then sew it to the starting gap and then nail it into your heel.

[1336] And I'm like, I'm going to be honest, I don't even want to know.

[1337] Whatever you got to do, just do it.

[1338] My mom did ask like a friend who is a doctor.

[1339] Should we get a second opinion?

[1340] And she was like, honestly, he's the best in the business.

[1341] If he's saying this, this is what's happening.

[1342] So just go for it and get it done as soon as possible.

[1343] So I go into surgery and my parents get a call like an hour and a half later.

[1344] They were expecting the surgery to be like six hours.

[1345] And my mom's thinking like, my God, she's dead.

[1346] She's freaky now.

[1347] And he's like, when we got in there, it was just coiled up.

[1348] Okay.

[1349] When they cut it, it was like a rubber band and just sprung up and coiled up.

[1350] He could just unravel it.

[1351] Fish it out.

[1352] And reattached it.

[1353] Wow.

[1354] So could you walk in less than a year?

[1355] I could, but I had a gnarly limp.

[1356] And I still kind of have a limp to this day.

[1357] But I think that was just kind of like the nature of the injury being so awkwardly placed.

[1358] I have a very funky skis.

[1359] I have a very funky like usually Achilles surgeries are straight.

[1360] Mine's shaped like an S because it was going along the site of the laceration.

[1361] That's his creativity, yeah.

[1362] That's his signature.

[1363] So yeah, whether the cautionary tale be not to accept a gift from somebody you don't want to take more than one trip to the car or to always carry a kombucha bottle with two hands.

[1364] There's a lot of lessons in here.

[1365] Wow.

[1366] The one I'm most drawn to because I constantly do this.

[1367] And I even admit to myself at a certain point, it's taking me way more time to stack this stuff on my arms in this manner.

[1368] And you realize you've passed the point of no return in the middle of it.

[1369] You're like, yeah, I would be done by now if I would have just taken two trips.

[1370] I'm the most disappointed to myself when I do that.

[1371] Imagine how I felt.

[1372] Yeah.

[1373] I mean, the laziness of us.

[1374] It's not lazy.

[1375] We think we're being efficient.

[1376] We think we're not being lazy.

[1377] We think it's like, this is the smartest, fastest way to get this thing done.

[1378] Plus, I can't bear to take a second trip.

[1379] Every time I pass like a kombucha at the store or if my friends see one, they'll send me a picture and they'll be like, watch out.

[1380] They have those like big giant ones now.

[1381] I'm like, that's my worst nightmare.

[1382] Yeah, break your femur.

[1383] Have you heard the show enough to know who Perfect 10 Charlie is?

[1384] I listen to this show religiously.

[1385] And I haven't told anybody that I'm on this show because they know how much the show means to me. And so I'm just going to be like, I tell you guys to listen to this all the time.

[1386] Please listen to this episode.

[1387] It's so good.

[1388] Oh, that's exciting.

[1389] Great plan.

[1390] Also, now we've transitioned from Cautionary Tale to advice.

[1391] This is an advisable strategy.

[1392] What is?

[1393] That she's just going to trick everyone.

[1394] Oh, sure.

[1395] Yeah, yeah.

[1396] I like this.

[1397] Did you get the voice?

[1398] I think I have it.

[1399] Oh, who?

[1400] Jennifer Lawrence.

[1401] It's not doing what I wanted it to do.

[1402] But I never figured it out for me either.

[1403] I got distracted by your story, to be honest.

[1404] I know I had declared I was going to figure it out, but then I completely stopped thinking about that.

[1405] I did start thinking about something else which is you kind of do look like what lincoln will look like okay i can see she looks identical to cess wife claire too you've got a lot you have a lot wow well anyway so perfect then charlie he snapped his he was humiliated by how it happened he was doing virtually nothing and he's a professional bodybuilder and yeah his snap but he didn't get surgery and same thing a year of just barely limping around and waiting he just now can like hike and everything it's such a bummer an injury.

[1406] It was the worst, especially because I wish I was doing something athletic or something cool or like anything else besides a freak accident that was absolutely unnecessary.

[1407] But, you know, it is what it is.

[1408] It's a part of my many collections of stories.

[1409] And I'm here now.

[1410] Worth it.

[1411] Not really, but kind of.

[1412] This past, I was really listening.

[1413] It is very specific.

[1414] And there is someone who you sound identical to.

[1415] No one ever tells you anything.

[1416] Sometimes people will say that I look like people, but never the voice.

[1417] Who do they say you look like?

[1418] Lincoln, when she gets older?

[1419] Lincoln in 2036.

[1420] My hair growing up was blonde.

[1421] People always told me I looked like Scarlett Johansson.

[1422] And then I dyed my hair red and then I became Black Widow.

[1423] So still Scarlett.

[1424] I'll take it.

[1425] If I listen to this episode without looking at her, I'll be able to get it.

[1426] Okay.

[1427] We'll get back to you.

[1428] TBD.

[1429] I would love to know.

[1430] Oh, I guess my last single question is, if you ever found yourself trying to take one trip again and then been like, you fucking asshole, you already learned this lesson?

[1431] All the time.

[1432] Still do it.

[1433] And every time I'm holding any kind of bottle, it's always two hands.

[1434] Miley Cyrus.

[1435] Oh, yeah, that's it.

[1436] That's it.

[1437] That's it.

[1438] That's it.

[1439] Right?

[1440] Yep.

[1441] Oh, my God.

[1442] Yes.

[1443] Yes.

[1444] I'm shocked you did that.

[1445] I'm shocked you did that.

[1446] Oh, I love her.

[1447] I love her.

[1448] Like, I am like the product of the Hannah Montana era.

[1449] That is my ship.

[1450] So I've been with her through all the eras, all the things.

[1451] She's my favorite.

[1452] And you kind of look like her too.

[1453] Like it's the whole, the whole thing.

[1454] Wow.

[1455] Good job.

[1456] Boy, I'm glad I got that.

[1457] Yeah, that was exciting.

[1458] That was really exciting.

[1459] That was not what I was expecting.

[1460] What a pop out.

[1461] Riley, Miley.

[1462] Oh, my God.

[1463] What if your last name was Montana?

[1464] This feels like a rip in the space time.

[1465] Riley Byrus.

[1466] This was really turning into something.

[1467] I know, Jerry.

[1468] Sims happening.

[1469] Okay, Riley, so glad we went long so we could figure that out, that mystery.

[1470] Me too.

[1471] Last thing I wanted to say was my mom and I, we love you as Carl and baby mama.

[1472] Oh, thank you, Carl Loomis.

[1473] My dad passed away like four years ago, and we went through a period where my mom and I would only watch rom -coms before bed, just to kind of soothe the soul.

[1474] And baby mama was on rotation, so thank you for that.

[1475] That's Amy and Tina's compliment, but I appreciate it.

[1476] You're a huge part of it.

[1477] Thank you so much.

[1478] Great meeting you.

[1479] Love your voice.

[1480] Keep on rocking in the free world.

[1481] world.

[1482] Thank you.

[1483] All right.

[1484] Take care.

[1485] Carl Loomis.

[1486] I don't get a lot of shout -outs for Carl Loomis.

[1487] It's a funny character.

[1488] It was very fun to be New York in the springtime.

[1489] Okay.

[1490] Cautionary tale, those were really good.

[1491] I learned a lot.

[1492] No oceans, no teeth brushing.

[1493] No one trip.

[1494] Always two trips.

[1495] I didn't learn that, but I needed to hear that.

[1496] Back to my thing.

[1497] I didn't learn anything because I'm resistant to learning.

[1498] What a terrible character is it.

[1499] Seems like everyone in the The world is resistant to learning.

[1500] They have all done these things many, many times.

[1501] That's true.

[1502] That makes me a little depressed.

[1503] Yeah, we're forgetful.

[1504] As Rami says.

[1505] Yes, the Arabic word for human is forgetful.

[1506] I think he has a new special.

[1507] He does.

[1508] I want to see it.

[1509] I saw a guy hiking.

[1510] I think I was hiking with my hiking buddy, Jake Johnson, and I saw Rami walking at us down the street.

[1511] They say hi.

[1512] And I was like, oh my God, what's up?

[1513] Not Rami.

[1514] A guy that looked just like Rami.

[1515] Cautionary tale.

[1516] And when I called them out and stopped him.

[1517] Did you say, hey?

[1518] I go, Rami.

[1519] Yeah, yeah.

[1520] No, I told him.

[1521] Oh, my God, dude.

[1522] I thought you were Rami Yusuf.

[1523] He was fine because we're both on TV, the guys that stopped him.

[1524] So we get a little pass for that.

[1525] That's not fair.

[1526] I know it's not.

[1527] But I'll take it.

[1528] Well, if we're doing cautionary tales, don't do that.

[1529] And you won't get a pass because you're probably not famous.

[1530] Okay.

[1531] But he wasn't offended because Rami's cute.

[1532] Of course.

[1533] Well, you wouldn't be offended, but you'd be like, oh, man, I wish I was Rami.

[1534] Okay.

[1535] Well, we learned a lot and nothing.

[1536] Knock on wood.

[1537] We knocked on wood.

[1538] And I love you.

[1539] I love you do.

[1540] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1541] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[1542] So here I go, go, go.

[1543] We're going to ask some random questions.

[1544] And with the help of our Jerry's book, it's and suggestions.

[1545] On the fly a rhyme dish.

[1546] On the fire rindish, enjoy