#212 - Bryan Callen

[0] To Joe Rogan experience.

[1] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night all day.

[2] Is that my boy, Nick?

[3] That's Nick Diaz.

[4] Nick Diaz is in the opening, forever.

[5] Nick Diaz is in the opening forever.

[6] That was one of the coolest moments of my UFC broadcasting career.

[7] How about Rory McDonald giving you a shout out?

[8] He's in there, too.

[9] He's in the beginning.

[10] That kid is ridiculous.

[11] Oh, my God, he's scary.

[12] That guy was so much bigger than him, too.

[13] So scary.

[14] He's like, I'm going to shoot a single leg on you at will, and then I'm going to climb you, and I'm going to beat you up.

[15] He's so scary because he's, first of all, he's like, super duper dedicated and he's one of those kids he's only like 22 you know when you're only like 22 23 years old man you can get if you get that good that young you can get away with a lot of shit it's a way he came he's the one who came up with just pure mama you know yeah but i also think um as good as these athletes are now and everything else there are some people that have a a um like a a real edge but it's got to be because their philosophy and who's teaching them you know sort of their it's that it's certainly part of that but to get a roy macdonald it's so rare it's so rare that you get someone who has that kind of focus that kind of intensity dude how about his his his uh stare in the beginning of that fight creepy stare dude he just goes quiet his whole body just goes fucking quiet he's like a predator like the way a lion when it stops really quickly sees a gazelle yeah just shoot and i was like that dude's so focused it's ridiculous yeah he's very unusual yeah very unusual kid really sand it seems like a really nice guy outside of fighting super friendly really's going and just malling motherfuckers yeah he just does what he wants and that and 22 you see at that age when you're really young like that you can get so good so quick yeah i know when you're with kids that are really focused are really dedicated at those early ages they make these huge leaps in like six eight months these giant leaps to take a grown man years to to hit they can just really accelerate so quickly i think that's like my buddy is writing a book on learning and he's a kind of like just one of these guys went to Harvard and study with has it he speaks literally he really does speak like seven languages fluently like really does and he has his degree in biomedical engineering and all he's one he's kind of a genius and and uh I said how do you speak all those languages he goes well it's funny because I'm writing a book about learning and I said well what's your philosophy said well most of the time with learning when you when you have to learn something you already have a lot of preconceived notions about what you can and can't do so you usually come to the equation with this notion that I'm good at this, I'm not good at that, because somebody along the way told you that.

[16] So most of what learning is is just getting out of your own way before you can even learn anything.

[17] Because you come to it with your own projection, your own sort of scaffolding that you put on it.

[18] And so his philosophy is like he just said, I can speak languages.

[19] I'm going to get out of my own way.

[20] I can speak languages.

[21] I'm going to find the system.

[22] So it's like Tim Ferriss says, if you want to learn Spanish, you only have to know really 2 .5 % of the words and you can understand 95 % of Spanish.

[23] It'll take you five more years to learn 5 % of all the Spanish words, but you'll only learn, you'll only understand 98 % of Spanish.

[24] The increment is very small.

[25] So there's a, there's a system to learning.

[26] It's just like when you want to educate yourself, there's a system to it.

[27] There's a way to do it.

[28] There's a, there's a methodology and actually a pattern and a path to follow.

[29] And most people spend a lot of time, you know, wasting, wasting a lot of time with a lot of periphery stuff, mainly dealing with the fact that they're not good at this.

[30] I'm not good at math.

[31] I'm not good at languages.

[32] I'm not good with money.

[33] And what he'll do in this book, his premises, is those are all belief systems that somebody else put on you.

[34] That's actually not true.

[35] And you can get rid of them if you know how to approach something.

[36] So it's pretty wild.

[37] So, you know, someone like Lori McDonald probably started so young that this is a language and it's the only language he's ever known.

[38] So when you teach him something, he's not in his own way.

[39] He's like, well, I'll just, I'll just incorporate this into my arsenal.

[40] That's a real good point because when we used to get guys who came from other styles that would want to learn Taekwondo, there's a difference to the style of kicking, and a lot of it incorporated how you lifted up your knees.

[41] And they had developed a style of kicking where the knee was down and then the foot was above the knee.

[42] And it's a more like leg -centric style of kicking.

[43] Whereas the taekwondo style, the knee is up high, which opens the hips up.

[44] And when the hips open up, then there's a turn of the whole body.

[45] And it's got so much more power to it.

[46] But we couldn't teach them how to do it.

[47] They all, especially when sparring, they would just drop their knee and it would be normal stuff and be like, do you got to get your knee up.

[48] That's the most important thing.

[49] The knee is everything.

[50] The knee comes power.

[51] A huge part of learning also is exactly what you're saying, because Like a lot of times, you go to what's comfortable.

[52] You go and because practicing, actually, the way to get good at something, obviously, is to practice what you're not good at, what makes you uncomfortable.

[53] But it doesn't have to make you uncomfortable.

[54] What's making you uncomfortable is the notion that you, is the things that you've put on it.

[55] So I'm weak, I'm not good.

[56] You see a lot of guys that come into Jitsu and they only do what they're good with.

[57] They don't spend time on their back or they don't spend time, whatever.

[58] Why?

[59] Because they're going to look vulnerable.

[60] Right.

[61] But you're defining that process as vulnerable.

[62] You can redefine the process.

[63] You can decide that it's just you getting better because you're working on where you're soft, right?

[64] So it's really, so much of it is your attitude monitors your talent.

[65] What you come in with and actually more, a more specific way of saying it is what you don't come in with it.

[66] So much of learning is actually not an addition, a process of addition, it's a process of deletion.

[67] Right.

[68] You're deleting.

[69] You're, you're, I think actually, you know, it's funny as you become an adult, and you get better at something, you know, certainly for me with stand -up, so much of it is just like letting go of a lot of stuff, like deleting things in my mind that I don't need to be thinking about.

[70] I should be thinking about something very positive.

[71] So you start learning, oh, I start drifting off into something I'm worried about.

[72] I just gently bring my mind back to writing about stand -up.

[73] I bring it back to stand -up.

[74] I bring it back to write in a joke.

[75] I bring it back to thinking about this TV show I'm trying to do.

[76] So you can actually get very disciplined and good at redirecting your mind.

[77] It's not an active process.

[78] You can make it a very passive process.

[79] You know, a lot of times when you hear people talk about work, I got to go to work, I got to do this work.

[80] We put this sort of sacred scaffold.

[81] It's a sacred like fence around work.

[82] I'm playing and now I'm going to work.

[83] It shouldn't be that way.

[84] You can completely blur that line.

[85] You can completely like just decide, well, work is what I do anyway.

[86] I'm just going to gently start thinking about what I want to be and what I want to be doing.

[87] and how to create something.

[88] Yeah, the work issues are very, it's a very touchy issue for a lot of people because most people, that's the bane of their existence.

[89] Yeah.

[90] And with us, it's actually what we love to do.

[91] That's a, that's a trick pill for a lot of people to swallow.

[92] That's really fucking hard.

[93] It's really hard.

[94] It's really hard.

[95] We associate the idea with work at some point in our life with displeasure.

[96] That's right.

[97] Uncomfort, with, you don't want to be there.

[98] It's not fun.

[99] It's not what you look forward to.

[100] Well, because I think the ideal, when you talk about work, the ideal is, and I think anybody who's in a position where they don't like, if you're in a job you hate or whatever, the only way to get out of that job is people say, well, I'm going to move and I'm going to do this, is actually to come up with another idea.

[101] You know, if you can try to come up with a better idea, it'll beat the other idea.

[102] So you might be doing something, but the work actually is about imagination.

[103] nation is about just sitting there and letting it come to you, figuring, just figuring out what is your process, what is your, what is your, everybody has a different process.

[104] I'm listening to music, some people walk.

[105] What's the process you have to undertake to feel, to get yourself into a creative mode where you're coming up with ideas, whether you're an entrepreneur, whether you're a writer, whether you're a painter, even if you're an athlete.

[106] I mean, you know, Rory McDonald, those guys have constantly, think about MMA and I'm noticing, is they always have to reinvent, they got to keep adding to their arsenal they got to keep growing and a lot of that's imagination man right isn't it yeah that's how it's manifesting itself it's the their creativity isn't beating the fuck out of people and what people don't understand is like you you you actually have to be creative in fighting it's a very creative thing and it when it when you get good at it it's a lot of it is figuring out how to hit someone in a way where they can't hit you back or where you hit them first where They're trying to hit you, but you get out of the way, and then you counter and hit them.

[107] And in doing that, you can pick up, like, dumb people fight dumb.

[108] They waddle forward.

[109] First, they throw the left, and then they throw the right.

[110] And all you have to do is keep your wits about you.

[111] You see the left coming.

[112] You know the right's coming.

[113] It's not going to be an uppercut either.

[114] It's going to be a big stupid overhand right.

[115] And that is, that's the language that they communicate in.

[116] When you're creative, you become very scary.

[117] Like a guy like John Jones is very frightening to people Because he's very creative in his attack You don't know what he's going to do I mean he fights showgun Shogun's like the best striker he's ever fight He opens with a flying knee cracks him in the jaw Shogun's never the same He fucked him up from the first few seconds of the fight Well when he threw Rashad I mean Rashad Evans in that flying triangle You know he's just like I'm doing MMA I just want to see if I could do it It's pulled guard for no reason Socaraba was that way I remember Sakarraba would show up in a t -shirt that said water or he paint muscles on himself.

[118] And he was completely creative.

[119] And I think that's the lesson, right?

[120] Yeah, you don't know what he's doing.

[121] Yeah, but that comes.

[122] But see, that comes from, if you actually look at most people, and we all do it, a lot of people, especially young people, as they start becoming aware of the world around them, what they'll do is they'll look for something very strong to define themselves as.

[123] I'm a fighter.

[124] I'm a slacker.

[125] I'm a skateboarder.

[126] I'm fucking rebel.

[127] I get tattooed.

[128] And when you define yourself along with, really strong lines.

[129] I think it becomes very, and I'm not talking about defining yourself character -wise.

[130] I'm talking about defining yourself just as a person.

[131] As a thing.

[132] I am a Republican.

[133] Yeah.

[134] Well, I'm a right -wing guy.

[135] So I feel as a conservative.

[136] Exactly.

[137] And what happens when you do that is that you, it's very hard not to take yourself very seriously in that regard, right?

[138] Yeah.

[139] And then you don't have room to create because you're, that, that's what I'm talking about.

[140] Those lines are very precious and you don't want to break those lines because then you don't know where to go then you're in the danger zone you know if you when you define yourself very strongly like that it's kind of like a way of um uh protecting yourself but i think someone like what's his name um the spider um uh Anderson Silva he's so he comes up dancing he that's part of his technique he's very loose he doesn't take it too seriously kind of raises his hands when shell son is calling him out you know hey Brian is the image down huh is the image down is the Image down on Ustream?

[141] Yeah.

[142] It's a big black screen.

[143] It's, lately Ustream's been weird with browsers.

[144] Like, a lot of people are saying like the sound doesn't work and stuff.

[145] And it's just, I think, Chrome mostly, but it's...

[146] I'm using a Safari.

[147] What do you use?

[148] I use...

[149] Oh, okay.

[150] I refreshed it.

[151] It came back.

[152] You're, by the way, people watching this are probably wondering why I'm dressed like a professional athlete.

[153] A real professional athlete.

[154] Well, I look like a professional soccer player.

[155] I look like a European soccer player.

[156] Maybe rugby.

[157] Maybe rugby.

[158] Maybe rugby.

[159] Dude, I got a thick.

[160] neck you can't tell right now because i'm wearing a collar but uh i have a beautiful body under this what was you what was your showtime special called it's called man class man class okay it's called man class and it was ridiculous uh i need to come up with a name for mine i've had very good feedback why why man class um because i was i was like i'm gonna you know i'm talking about what it is to be a man in 2012.

[161] And I was like, I'm just going to fucking teach a man class right now.

[162] And I'm obsessed with this problem of masculinity in a fucking world that's so technological.

[163] Like we're still producing testosterone and we're aggressive.

[164] And we have nothing.

[165] All we have to do it, all we can do is simulate.

[166] I go to the gym.

[167] I'm working the, I'm doing fucking kettlebells.

[168] Why?

[169] The fuck do I need to, you know, to swing a kettlebell for it.

[170] But I got to keep my traps up to fucking, I'm learning how to box with my buddy Karen Gallagher.

[171] Like in my, in my backyard, he's bringing me through all this stuff like, Well, listen, man, here's a deal.

[172] Somewhere along the line, we got made to feel guilty for being manly, for being men, for liking men's shit, for liking manly things.

[173] We got somehow another, we became guilty of that.

[174] I think women, you got to let chicks be chicks.

[175] You got to let them wear their crazy heels and their nutty short skirts and, you know, the heels that you don't understand, the dresses that don't mean anything to you, but to them it's like super important.

[176] That's all girly shit.

[177] And if that's what you're into, that's fine.

[178] But if you're into manly shit, if you're into like man style things, you look down upon like, oh, come on.

[179] That's what makes me so angry.

[180] That's what makes me so angry.

[181] Because, listen, up until very fucking recently, we've had to fight and hunt for our own food.

[182] You know how much, you know, think about what kind of aggression it takes to get on a horse or run through the forest and spear a wild animal and then cut its throat with a stone knife or just a regular knife.

[183] You smell that animal?

[184] I use a stone knife personally.

[185] I don't want to brag, but I like to hunt with stone tools.

[186] I watched a whole special, I believe it was on the history channel, where guys made bows and arrows the traditional way, like, and went hunting with it.

[187] I just pitched a show to Discovery about, I'm with my buddy Sam Sheridan, who you know, and we're going to go and find all the masculine pockets in a demasculated America.

[188] So we're basically going to find guys in Hawaii who hunt, who hunt.

[189] wild boar using traditional Hawaiian like the the ancient hunting tools like stone spears and whatever the fuck it is and we're going to go find those groups and just kind of like showcase these groups and kind of join them and and could be a funny fucking show that's hilarious yeah that could be amazing there's a huge need for men you know women have an instinct to preen right they just have an instinct to preen they're like birds you see them you know they got 15 different lip glosses and different creams they're rubbing their hair whatever the fuck it is coming it 100 strokes right guys you know my joke about guys for the criteria for guys the way they dress is they don't want to look like a pussy and they got to be comfortable that's all it is i's fucking i don't like any loose hanging shit okay and and uh i even think that you know my it's i can't prove this but whenever you see a dude like like i always make this joke but it's true you if you're in boston or parts of long island in new york and you show up in a cool you're a guy and you show up in like a really sexy like hipster outfit and you got like fucking awesome bangles and you're you got a no You can get beat up by just dudes just because of the way you fucking look.

[190] They're like, I don't like that guy.

[191] How come?

[192] He's got a fucking nose ring and he's got bangles.

[193] I'm going to punch him in the face.

[194] And I think it might be because that guy's not part of our hunting party because all that fucking jewelry makes a lot of noise and the fucking animals hear him and they smell his fucking cologne and they can, they can smell that too.

[195] So I'm going fucking hungry.

[196] So you're not my hunting party.

[197] So I'm going to beat you up because you represent hunger to me. I really think that's part of like what we have that instinct.

[198] That's a funny way of thinking about it.

[199] I always thought it was just, you know, want some douche coming around dressed like, you know.

[200] Stealing my women?

[201] Like a pirate, you know?

[202] You know what some dude who thinks he's Johnny Depp and Pirates of the Caribbean is walking down your street wearing mascara, talking to girls?

[203] Like, what are you doing, dude?

[204] I live in Venice, okay?

[205] I see dudes with hoop earrings and they're straight.

[206] If you're gay, it's fine.

[207] You get away with a lot.

[208] But I see guys just show up with like a, I saw a guy with a leather holster.

[209] When you say hoop earrings, how big?

[210] these hoops they were very big they were very fucking big okay is that the new thing dudes are trying to wear like big like diana ross in the 70s earrings he had a main of thick hair that he tied with this awesome like bow part of it was I was just jealous of the fact that he has great hair but you know he had he looked like a fucking pirate he had you know he had his jeans rolled up just so with these awesome boots oh no I was like where can I vote for you dude Joe did you have both ears pierce yeah no just the left I had two piercings I had a lower one and then a diamond and by lower one he means his dick ladies and gentlemen and then i tried to rock two two hoops at the same time but i even i was like what is that about and then i tried to rock two studs at the same time and then i'm like oh this is so stupid so then i went to one tiny little hoop earring i think like somewhere around news radio and then jiu jitsu just constantly taking it out to to roll i just like this is stupid so you get the staff by the way have you tried to put one in recently i just tried it the other day and it's it went right in i'm I'm like, oh, shit.

[211] Really?

[212] I'm hearing both peers, though.

[213] Did you think about doing it for a moment?

[214] I did it for a day.

[215] Like, I just, as a joke.

[216] My dad was an Irish, like, kind of marine, like, just kind of a rough dude who grew up, like, on a farm.

[217] The dude, I shut up, like, if I showed up with a hat or, like, just something cool at dinner, he'd just do shit like this.

[218] He was just this big fucking dude, and he'd go, while you're wearing that hat.

[219] That's all he'd have to ask me. Or one time I had a goatee, I grew a mustache, a little awesome soul patch.

[220] on my chin and I was going to Italy and I spent way too much on clothes because I was going to be Italian and my father I was like I was like 28 my father looks at me and he goes like this he goes what's going on with your face I go oh no I just thought I'd grow a mustache and a little goatee you know and he goes yeah you're you're going to you guys how long are you going to wear that for around me I go you don't like it he goes it's not you it's not you there is something weird about when you go really try hard to change your image but it's one of those things where it's really kind of dependent about like how transparent are your intentions yeah or are you just one of those dudes that really can just pull that shit off like Joey Diaz could he could pull off anything he wanted if he really believed in it was 100 % behind it Joey Diaz could start wearing jumpsuits yeah I'm bringing back jumpsuits with fanny packs like if you had a backpack everywhere if Joey Diaz just all of a sudden started wearing like running suits with a backpack we would go all right I guess that's how he's doing it now I I've never been able to uh that's the other reason is I just I don't know how to do it like I'm really bad with putting clothing together like I don't have any creativity so like I was when I shot my special I went to see this stylist and the dude shows up and he's like he's got me in a hat I have a hat a fucking necklace and a blazer and by the way I looked outstanding I look fucking outstaffed.

[221] I was like, I'm the best looking guy in America.

[222] I was like, this is great.

[223] Problem is, I don't know how to wear a hat or jewelry or a fucking blazer.

[224] It's too hot.

[225] It feels too constrictive.

[226] And I'm doing it for the wrong reasons.

[227] I just, I'm doing it because I'd be very aware of the fact that I looked awesome.

[228] Or at least I'd act that way.

[229] And I just can't do it.

[230] You know, it just doesn't work.

[231] Well, being a comedian, too, you can only be so ridiculous.

[232] Oh, dude.

[233] I know.

[234] You know, you can only like try.

[235] So, like, who wants to watch a comedian go on stage dressed like he's trying to get laid?

[236] Who wants to watch a comedian with, like, skin tight shirts, with a button up?

[237] What are those things called?

[238] The, the, the thermals or whatever?

[239] No, but you know, that style.

[240] There's like a style to it.

[241] You can't be too.

[242] All sexy and tight and pants that already have rips in them, like, you buy him.

[243] If you're Russell Brand, you can do that, but I don't really, again, I'm not as good looking as Russell Brandt.

[244] I saw that the other day where the guy had, like, his hair done up, like, 90210, like the slick, like, like, poof in the top front and he had like the white shirt that kind of was cut too low and then he had like a little shell necklace thing going on there and he was doing jokes about how everyone you know confuses me with like dillon from nine oh two and like he actually brought up the the way he looked at an as in a joke was this like an open mic night no this was a show at uh just a regular show dove david off tells his real joke which is based on a true story where a guy got out of a bmw when he first got to l a duff grew up in a junkyard in jersey you know so the guy the guy fucking gets out of it uh BMW and he's wearing kind of a cape like a like a long it's not even a duster it's a cape right and the guy goes hey you know what time it is and dove's like you're just going to ask me what time it is like you're not wearing a fucking cape it's time to take the fucking cape off jerk off fuck are you doing i'll punch you in the face right now and i don't even know you it's so so hilarious you know have you seen that thing that robert kelly wears he talks about it once in a while opium anthony and it's like it's like i'm i can't remember the name of it but it's a like a fanny that instead of having it around your crotch, it's like this thing that goes from like the left side to the right side, like a seatbelt.

[245] Only Robert Kelly could get away with that.

[246] I love Robert.

[247] It's a man purse.

[248] Yeah, Robert could get away with it though.

[249] It's a man purse.

[250] You know, as you get older and you're not trying to get laid, you start saying things like, what the fuck?

[251] Why don't I just have a purse?

[252] You start saying shit.

[253] Like, I do, sometimes I need, I have cargo shorts on, you know why?

[254] Because I have a lot of shit.

[255] I got my keys.

[256] I got some money.

[257] I got some gum.

[258] The other day I was in my car singing at the top of my lungs And these girls pulled up And usually I would have been like, I saw singing, I'm a fucking idiot Nah, I was like Nah, nah, nah, I was singing as loud as I could What is the song you're saying?

[259] I was singing a new song by Springsteen called Death to Our Hometown.

[260] Whoa, you just went deep.

[261] I sure did, guys.

[262] You told me you had some sort of religious experience At a Springsteen child?

[263] I had, and I'm not joking, I went and saw him, he's 62.

[264] I've seen Springsteen, let's call it, because I'm on the podcast and I want to exaggerate 30 times.

[265] It's probably closer to 50 times.

[266] and he's 62 and well he's never been better he's writing songs on a level that he's just as good as anything he's ever done and you know everybody else the Rolling Stones you see it's a revival tour they're just singing the San Diego's this guy's still producing on a level that he was producing at when he was 24 years old it's amazing he's more than amazing because he he literally and this I was watching him and you know I was literally having this is going to sound really cheesy but I'm a huge fan of his I became an actor because of him I became a stand -up because of him I listened to his songs because there was something in his voice but for me it was literally so overwhelming because he's so timeless like he's aligned with something the dude and it's because what motivates him is way more than than his own appetites and what he wants to do what motivates him is something much bigger than himself and I don't know what that is it's probably the love of all those people he's got such a fanatical crowd oh but it's also it's also though it's also about saying something yeah yeah but the love of all those people that are responding to what he said yeah yeah the intense connection that springsteen has to his fans it's because of you know like it's like born to run there's there's songs that like people just you you hear that and that's like that's a slice of history go go to go to go to go to go read the lyrics of greetings from asbury park yeah and darkness on the edge of town because what he was doing there was literally like he kind of almost invented a language that changed a lot of like the artistic landscape in new york at least you know sam shepherd was writing plays based on that album man no one has ever got rid of a chick that was a problem in his life and wrote a better song about it than springsteen did the brilliant disguise she's the one she's the one you ever hear that i don't know that one but i know brilliant disguise that that's i remember hearing that because i was like early 20s when I heard that and I was you know always in terrible relationships always chaos some some of them it just didn't work out because of you some of it was because of her some but you knew enough crazy people in your life at a certain point to realize you could get fucked in a relationship and when I saw that Bruce Springsteen got fucked and then I realized I was like oh I see what happened she was really hot so she pretended to be something and then he got close to her and he got to know her and she was kind of a cunt right go listen to Jungleland She's the one Oh yeah Oh I know that song Oh fuck man I mean And back streets Like back streets is about this And by the way This is the The brilliant disguise It's like 15 years later Oh my God He's not only is he prolific like that He's given songs away to people Like the Pointer Sisters And Patty Smith And that was their biggest hit Because when there's a documentary Called The Promise Where he'd been Born and Rome was the biggest album In the country and he was on the cover of Newsweek and Time Magazine he was 24 years old and then he went to write The Promise I'm sorry he went to write Darkness on the edge of town and they wanted him to write more of the stuff from Born to Run like that kind of that's what his fans want right and not only that he was writing hit songs and giving him away and Steve Van Zand was like writing hit songs is so fucking hard and he's giving them away and he comes into the studio and he goes well let's see what we're going to throw away and you see Steve Van Zan go please don't throw that song away please don't it's so perfect please he's like it doesn't fit in the album just just doesn't fit in the album and he was so uncompromising they said what drove he said i wanted to be great because i knew i had it inside me and i wanted to be great and and i wanted to do something that nobody at all i just didn't want to do anything derivative and i and i talked to him i talked to him for an hour and a half about songwriting which is kind of exciting and i went backstage a long time ago with jeremy piven and uh and i literally talked about stand -up and about writing songs for an hour and a half it was just me him jeremy his wife and my buddy Anthony Tambacchus who's going to be my next guest in the Brian Calentany Tambacchus?

[267] Yeah he wrote Warrior and he's just we had a great Warrior was a good movie yeah that movie did not get nearly enough respect it really did I was surprised no I was my wife loved it it's a great movie it's a good movie yeah the only unrealistic thing is that they fought two days in a row yeah they didn't have to do that right that could have been worked out well because Anthony and Gavin who's the director and they wrote it they they're not they don't know a lot about fighting that's all they were more concerned with the story you know yeah but but it was still good yeah it was still good even though that that was kind of nonsensical it was still still still it's a very good movie it's a great movie god damn nick nulte's a mother father oh my god he's a mother that dude just showed up and just did that and did that take 50 times like literally there's like what else do you want guys oh my god if people don't know what we're talking about there's a breakdown see nick nultes a recovering alcoholic he was a terrible father and he basically gave birth to these two savages that meet in the finals of this MMA tournament, which, by the way, is a very accurate statement for many fighters.

[268] There's a lot of fighters that grew up.

[269] Broken homes.

[270] Fucked up households.

[271] You know, a lot of fighters grew up, you know, in dire straits as youngsters from some asshole father.

[272] And a lot of those asshole fathers even wind up teaching those kids at first, just like his dad did in this movie.

[273] So it was really accurate.

[274] Like, the way they did it, it wasn't, didn't seem fake.

[275] The interactions, like, what was that dude's name, Tom?

[276] Tom Hardy.

[277] Tom Hardy.

[278] What a bad motherfucker.

[279] And he's English, too.

[280] He's from England.

[281] But his interactions with the father were so, it was so realistic.

[282] It was so believable.

[283] Well, Anthony, Anthony had a very, doesn't talk to his dad.

[284] You know, he had a very, very tough childhood with his father.

[285] His father was not.

[286] This is the guy who wrote it.

[287] So, you know, there's a lot of personal shit in there.

[288] Tambacchus.

[289] We just did a podcast, and he was so, it was so much fun to talk to him about art and about what's important.

[290] And he's just one of those fucking guys who really.

[291] I'll tell you what, he nailed that movie.

[292] Because that's a tired genre.

[293] It's the martial arts champion, though the good guy is going to rise above and do it for his kids.

[294] It's a tired genre, and he really connected.

[295] Yeah.

[296] And it was really good.

[297] It sucked, man. I was really bummed out that movie didn't get nearly as much attention as it deserved.

[298] Yeah.

[299] Is it out yet on DVD or anything?

[300] I think it is.

[301] For a while, it was the number one DVD in the country.

[302] It's a good fucking movie, man. I mean, like I said, the only thing that bothered me is the non -realism about the, you can't, if you tried to fight two days, in a row, your whole face would be swollen, your hands, you wouldn't be able to close your hands.

[303] Yeah.

[304] You can't do it.

[305] You can't fight two days in a row.

[306] It's too hard.

[307] It's hard to fight more than once in a day.

[308] I've done it.

[309] The last kickboxing tournament, I fought three times in one day.

[310] It's stupid.

[311] Yeah.

[312] It happens all the time.

[313] Wrestling tournaments, yeah, we used to wrestle more than, you know, like if you went to like a tournament, sometimes it was two days long or even it was one day long, a lot of times you, a lot of times you wrestle at least three times.

[314] Yeah, totally.

[315] But the only problem was there's no head contact in wrestling.

[316] And the head contact in kickboxing and in MMA, like, that's why you can't do it two days in a row.

[317] You just can't.

[318] No way.

[319] You know, you get rocked the first day.

[320] The next day, you need fucking rest, man. You can't be going to get in.

[321] It's actually really dangerous, too.

[322] If you have a mild concussion, you get hit again.

[323] A lot of guys get concussed and still win.

[324] It happens all the time.

[325] They get concussed and make it to the final round, and the final round ends.

[326] They go back to sit in the corner, and the, you know, the corner will tell them the fights over.

[327] That happened recently with Alice Casaris.

[328] He got head kicked, I think, I believe it was in the second round.

[329] He got head kicked, and at the end of the third round, he couldn't believe the fight was over.

[330] He's like, what are you talking about?

[331] The fight just started.

[332] He goes, no, it's over.

[333] He goes like, come on, man, you guys are playing with me. Did he win?

[334] No, he did not.

[335] I believe he lost a decision.

[336] It was a really close fight.

[337] It was a crazy fight.

[338] And he actually came back from getting head kicked and was doing really well.

[339] It was really amazing.

[340] He just got hit with a really hard shot, and that's just part of the game.

[341] You know, the human head is.

[342] What's it doing to you that you?

[343] your ring side for all that violence?

[344] I'm really numb to it.

[345] It's really strange.

[346] I've seen like street fights like up close and personal.

[347] You know, I've seen shit go down like right in front of me. It's no big deal.

[348] My heart doesn't even skip a beat.

[349] It's like everything's moving in slow motion.

[350] It's real weird.

[351] Like I've gotten so used to watching people beat the fuck out of each other.

[352] On a high level.

[353] Like the highest level in the world.

[354] Yeah.

[355] From feet away.

[356] And, and then calling it, you know.

[357] And, you know, it's an honor to do, really.

[358] I really say that and, you know, people say it sounds, it almost sounds kind of like a false statement.

[359] You say it's an honor.

[360] But it's one of those things that were the word honor doesn't get used.

[361] It gets judiciously kind of tossed out.

[362] It's actually, it's actually used.

[363] I don't think it's used enough.

[364] Honor is something when a man talks about honor, it's like, oh, you're old fashioned and stuff.

[365] But honor's very important.

[366] It's a very important.

[367] It's very important.

[368] It's very important.

[369] That's why, you know, if I'm doing any sort of commentary on it, if I'm, I feel like I have this massive obligation to say exactly what I think is going on.

[370] If this guy, you know, why I think this guy is getting hit with this sort of shot, why he's moving to certain directions.

[371] And it gets to the point sometimes where fighters will think that I'm being disrespectful.

[372] Well, I don't know if that's true because I've never seen.

[373] I've had conversations with dudes.

[374] And I've got to tell him, I'm a good man. I'm just critical.

[375] If I can see it, it's there.

[376] If I can see a hole, it's there.

[377] It doesn't mean you can't win with that hole.

[378] But if I see a hole, it's there.

[379] And if you get mad at me because I'm pointing out.

[380] a hole in your game.

[381] That doesn't, that's silly.

[382] I'm not criticizing you.

[383] I'm looking at the whole thing as a mathematical proposition.

[384] And I'm saying, here's an entry.

[385] Here's an entryway.

[386] And here's, here's the issue with this, this one particular attack.

[387] You've always had enormous respect for fighters.

[388] And one of the things I think that you're so good at, and a lot of people have said this, is you take yourself completely out of the equation.

[389] That's a very hard thing to balance, actually, because when you're calling a fight and you have to be, you have to call, if you know, you know fighting, you've been watching it, you know, for many years now, and you've been doing it, you do see where there's a whole.

[390] And so the balancing act is calling that, but not, not saying, well, I would have done something different.

[391] You're always very careful about that, you know?

[392] That's the grossest thing that anybody ever does when they do commentary.

[393] Well, if that was me, I would go in there and hit him on the left right and just put them away.

[394] You got no idea.

[395] You got no idea what it's like.

[396] It's gross when I hear commentators.

[397] It doesn't happen very often with MMA commentators, but with these prognosticator type characters that make predictions on fights.

[398] I don't think he's going to be able to hand, and they'll use, like, numbers.

[399] Like, I don't think he's going to be able to handle a two, three.

[400] You know, when he shoots the double and can't handle that two, three.

[401] Yeah.

[402] But, yeah.

[403] That kind of bananas, like, you're going to predict the future talk.

[404] Like, stop.

[405] I'll tell you something that I had an experience, though.

[406] My buddy Kieran Gallagher, who's a stuntman, but a lot of guys who are real MMA guys know who he is because he came out of University of Arizona, Arizona State, I think, and was a high level like black belt in jiu jitza from hegan machado's and was a pro boxer by the time he's in college he had 24 pro fights as a boxer and really knows his stuff and he's been teaching me like just he's got all kinds of crazy tricks and i watched the last fights with him i watched i was with him and i was with a group of people i got witnesses like will sasso there and stuff the dude not only called every fight but he was going to he told me what was going to happen before they would do it like oh here comes a single like here it was so amazing and i said dude kieran you called every single fight and not only that you told me what was happening for he goes i've been doing that for 10 years but he knows the game that well but you'd never know he's just stuntman now and you know he's got to probably do commentary for somebody dude he's he's not that's not going to do that he'd just you know yeah but if somebody know if you you know the guy why don't you hook him up with somebody hook him up with like shark fights or something maybe the guy would wind up being an awesome commentary he's uncanny he's one of those guys who's really intelligent like he's a stunt man i i know he's a he's a high level fight he was a high level fighter why don't you talk him into doing it dude he's really he's also read every book where i started mentioning books with anthony he was a writer who wrote a novel he starts mentioning like everybody from charles buchowski to kiroak to fucking norman mailer he's read them all he read more than i have i go what the fuck i go have you read all these books he goes i read everything dude i mention an obscure book called i called extreme fear that sam sheridan recommended that i'm reading now fascinating he goes yeah i read it what what what are you talking about and it starts giving me a critique about it i was Stuntman have a lot of free time I think He's got a lot of free time Sometimes he's also really special smart guy Like he's a genuine friend Like he's just a really really smart guy But I mean like when you're on a set Like there's a lot of times like especially like I don't know if the Fear Factor said It was indicative of how it would be in a movie Like stunt guys in a movie set But there's a lot of downtime There's a lot of times Where they're setting things up And there's a lot of He's also one of the few stunmen Who was a really actually a professional fighter And still roles with Olympians and still fucking has an MMA gym, you know.

[407] Why don't you talk this guy into doing commentary, man?

[408] It seems like, look, a lot of people probably don't think that it could be possible.

[409] That's why they don't want to do it.

[410] They don't think that it could be real.

[411] You know what I mean?

[412] They don't even think about it.

[413] It doesn't even pop in their head.

[414] But if the guy knows that much, is he entertaining to talk to?

[415] Yeah, he's really, really smart.

[416] Then it sounds like he's perfect.

[417] Somebody hire him.

[418] He's probably better than me. Nobody's better than you.

[419] Nobody's better than you.

[420] That's not true.

[421] That's ridiculous.

[422] I don't know anybody's better than you.

[423] Well, and I think Mike Older is.

[424] was unbelievable too he's great i think he's unbelievable he's a great dude you guys are the perfect fucking combination goldberg is a good dude you know one of the the good things about like working with him i i enjoy that guy i enjoy his company yeah you told me that before he's a nice guy man he's a sweetheart of a guy yeah he's always nice he's always hugging everybody and always friendly yeah he's a sweet positive guy you know so i i like being around him and he's fucking good he's he's a great play -by -play guy man he's smooth as fuck he knows how to keep the whole he's poetic he's really poetic like he's like a really people critique him they criticize him but you're you're criticizing like one or two weird things that he might have said while we're freeballing for fucking hours at a time six hours at a time several times a month you know you got to realize like look man you're going to find some stupid shit that everybody says if you look at it for that long speaking of free bowling i just did the adam carola podcast he's so unbelievable at coming up with like one premise and and just being fucking hilarious when he was on the podcast i credited you It's just saying that he's, like, the best guy at improvisation in, and, like, coming up with, like, a whole rant on a, like, like, the best rant guy.

[425] And, like, real and real bits, like, literally, like, I'm like, like, I said, do you ever do stand -up because, nah, I go, you have five hours of fucking material.

[426] He's doing stand -up now.

[427] He's doing stand -up now.

[428] I don't know.

[429] He does, well, he does, he does the podcast, which is stand -up in front of an audience.

[430] No, no, he's doing stand -up.

[431] Oh, really?

[432] Yeah, yeah, he was doing regular stand -up.

[433] Huh.

[434] He, uh, he did a show at the Irvine Improv.

[435] And it was one of, I did one of his live podcasts, which I liked, but I don't like as much because it's just, it's a completely different thing.

[436] Yeah.

[437] When you're, when you're, when you're, they're looking to be funny.

[438] They're just looking, they're looking to be silly.

[439] Well, I felt like, it's not even that.

[440] It's a felt like, why I'm even talking, I should be doing stand up right now.

[441] I shouldn't be sitting here talking.

[442] There's 300 people that want to laugh their ass off.

[443] And I can do that.

[444] I get you to laugh.

[445] Yeah.

[446] But let's just do stand up, you know.

[447] But I didn't want him putting my stand up on the internet.

[448] Yeah.

[449] Because it was like, this is all stuff.

[450] I thought I was going to put in my next album.

[451] I was like, you can't just put that on your podcast.

[452] That's like Byron Allen.

[453] You have to see that show he did called, Comics, Sit Down or whatever.

[454] Comics Unleashed.

[455] I get there.

[456] Comics Unleashed.

[457] I get there and I go, wait a minute, you want me to do, you're paying me 150 bucks or whatever it is to do like, your act.

[458] My act.

[459] 20 minutes of my act?

[460] Nah.

[461] Yeah.

[462] No, I'm not doing that.

[463] And it gets, they could fucking probably sell it in syndication.

[464] Oh, sure.

[465] He's like, he goes, they own it, right?

[466] Like, your hair he prompts you and then you go into your bit and i'm watching guys give i'm watching guys give up 20 minutes it took them like fucking three years i'm like you out of your fucking mind well the worst is there there's some shows i'm sure where they own that material now and you're not allowed to repeat that material you know if you do it i'm i'm sure there's contracts that if i don't know what well actually though i just my thing on showtime they they were there's like they had some stipulation but i was able to do stuff on i just did comedy central's mashup where I have to rear up on a horse by the way I mention that Whoa Yeah I'll be I believe If you they're gonna take my stand -up bit Where I rescue a bunch of women on horseback And they're surrounded by wolves It's called the wolf whisper thank you Yeah I talk about really heavy shit with my stand -up But but um How come your stand -up is so fucking silly And you're such a When I talk to you're such an intense and serious guy I don't know dude because yesterday I just did a fucking whole Stand -up I did 20 minutes on saving a whale And they And they were fucking dying and I love the bit it's so funny so what's wrong with it you say that would like reluctantly nothing I don't know I just can't help it I start thinking it's silly I guess I just I guess I just I start laughing at the idea of saving a fucking whale and then I didn't save it and I had to sit on its blowhole kill it and no because I didn't want it to die of dryness so I had to sit on its blowhole and anyway but it was fucking retarded but they loved it so you know I don't know dude I now I'm now my next hour that I'm working on a little bit different.

[467] I'm dealing with larger motifs and larger motifs.

[468] You've been living in Venice too long, son.

[469] We need to get you the fuck out here to San Gabriel Valley.

[470] I gotta get the fuck.

[471] Did you hear that, Brian?

[472] What the fuck did he just say?

[473] Larger motifs.

[474] Did you understand that at all?

[475] You know what that is.

[476] Guys, sorry.

[477] If someone said that in front of you, would you get disgusted?

[478] Guys, sorry, I'm very educated.

[479] I'm highly educated.

[480] Highly educated, sophisticated, zip up boots.

[481] Can't help myself.

[482] Got it all.

[483] It is weird seeing you hang out with different people though because it seems like certain people you act different, you know, like you're more sillier when you're with delia you mean i'm a you mean i'm a chameleon yeah you mean like my sister who calls me the chameleon you know what my buddy anthony tambacus said about me he goes you know brian walks if brian walks takes a walk with seven Cherokees when he well you know it comes back eight cherries i was like ah fuck shut off it's true i had to be that way as a kid i had to blend in when i moved moved every two fucking years very unique i mean it's not like you know you're you're very unique well i appreciate it i try to be oh you you you not like short bus unique either yeah you're you're a unique dude but yeah um you and i always uh wind up with caveman conversations you and i always go fucking right to the bottom of the man's soul it's what we think about violence and sexuality and you know all this fucking society's an illusion and you know what happens when it crumbles down that fucking guy's gonna fall apart but that's what you and i have always had this friendship where like like where no matter what if we're lying to each other like if we're just we're like we just don't want to deal with the truth right now and just start saying something like like i would be like i really love her and he'd be like hey who you fucking talking to no you don't i'm like but i live with her yeah so what you don't love her break up with her immediately you know i could never get away we can never really get away with like lying to each other well you know you were just too good of a friend to have these crazy girls you were dead when i say crazy girls folks i'm not a invasive sort of a friend when it comes to friends girlfriends like brian can tell you i'm usually pretty supportive right when you say brian yeah oh yeah absolutely And I dated a lot of crazy girls.

[484] And he's dated a lot of crazy girls.

[485] So fun and bad.

[486] But my take on it was always just be sweet to them, be nice to them.

[487] Fuck the shit out of them.

[488] And if they leave, they leave.

[489] You know, that's how you go.

[490] But with you, you had a totally different kind of crazy.

[491] I developed an addiction.

[492] You had a fascination with girls who were gigantic problems.

[493] Brian's girls are sweet girls.

[494] They just, what happens in life?

[495] You take a left when you should have taken a ride.

[496] You get stuck.

[497] You can't pay your rent.

[498] There's a lot of shit that happens to people in life.

[499] So he's the, essentially sweet girls that go down a bad track right you're dealing with fucking crazy people where you could lose your fucking house oh not just lose your house your life you had he had a few of a man where he would bring over like it was it was like Joe Lewis is bum of the month club who was great bring over all these new silly bitches that he was dating one of them I called bunch of naps that's the greatest she came over I met her she lived on cookies yeah she comes over and I go that chick needs looks like she needs a bunch of naps, right?

[500] And then 10 minutes into hanging out at my house, oh my God, I'm so tired.

[501] She takes her shoes off and curls up on the couch.

[502] She was a fucking cat.

[503] I literally, she was like owning a high -tech pet.

[504] She was so strange.

[505] Look, she's my pet.

[506] It was so strange.

[507] I have never met like a more cat -like human thing.

[508] I've never met a person who just like had no desire to have an intelligent conversation.

[509] Just wanted to take naps.

[510] Well, I talked to this guy.

[511] This is fucking, I talk to this awesome dude who's a, who's like a well -known, like a psychiatrist, he's got his Ph .D. He's really smart guy.

[512] And he said a lot of times people in relationships, like he works with a lot of like couples and stuff like that and then addicts and stuff.

[513] And he said a lot of times what human beings do is we apply a construct on someone.

[514] So you'll find somebody that looks the part.

[515] And then you just apply a construct.

[516] You just go, oh, that's who you are.

[517] You're this girl.

[518] You really like to work out.

[519] Yeah, you're the J -Crew girl on an on.

[520] a fucking on the front of a sailboat that's what I want to date meanwhile the girl's like I'm from fucking Michigan I never been on a sailboat my fucking life and I like to do drugs every day what are you talking about no you don't why were you trying to construct that that sort of a really non -realistic reality all the time I don't know I don't know because it wasn't like it was really strange is like that's the kind of behavior that you get from people that have a hard time meeting girls but you had no problem meeting girls it wasn't that at all you were not shy you were always charming and you're always fun So, I mean, I can't remember a time where you're like, dude, I can't meet girls.

[521] I'm just tired of being alone.

[522] It was never that.

[523] It was you, you know, for whatever reason would wind up getting connected to the crazy girl like this.

[524] They were so nuts, dude, that I was trying to figure out.

[525] I spent many an hour by myself.

[526] Thinking about you, after many of our crazy adventures, thinking about you going, how did this happen?

[527] How did this guy get to this state of mind where he lets this place?

[528] person in his life, and then he can't see that.

[529] I don't understand that.

[530] Because when I'm hanging out with you, I'm like, here's this insightful, intelligent, objective, self -deprecating guy who's really well -read, and yet he's hanging around with legit meth heads.

[531] You were hanging around with, like, scary people that were like, I don't know.

[532] I really don't know what that was.

[533] I think part of it was just, I think what it was, was I'd go, oh, that's a project and I can save that person.

[534] Yeah, I think that was a lot of that was, I found that very intriguing where I'd say, You know what?

[535] All you need is someone like me to change your life and I know how to help you.

[536] And it took me a long time to realize that that is the dumbest shit you can ever do for anybody.

[537] And that's a dead fucking end.

[538] You never want to do that shit.

[539] My goodness it is.

[540] You know, you never want to do that because you can't, you know, my father said something interesting to me the other day.

[541] He said, look, you want to give advice to a kid very different.

[542] Don't ever get advice ever, ever to an adult.

[543] Even if they can use it, never do it.

[544] I said, yeah, but the guy's, he's headed toward a wall.

[545] He goes, that's right.

[546] They know they're headed to a wall.

[547] This is your dad?

[548] Yeah, and he said, isn't your dad do a talk show.

[549] I got to get him on my fucking.

[550] Yeah, you get him on the podcast.

[551] He's one of my favorite people in the world.

[552] Dude, get him on your pot.

[553] Why don't you get it?

[554] Can I go on it?

[555] Can I go on with your dad?

[556] Oh, that'd be great.

[557] Please.

[558] Well, he's a great guy to talk to about politics, about the state of the fucking world.

[559] I would love to talk about everything.

[560] Because he's been in a hundred countries.

[561] Oh, Jesus.

[562] He's going to Italy right now to brush up on his Italian.

[563] I'm like, why are you doing it?

[564] He goes, I don't know.

[565] I'm going to Rome for three weeks.

[566] Wow.

[567] He was the greatest.

[568] He said, Sagan, he's like, we were talking about, like, having a, you know, when you're with a woman, you want to be able to talk to her.

[569] And sometimes you can't, he goes, talk to her.

[570] Why would you want to talk to her?

[571] I've been married to your mother for 50 years.

[572] I don't want to talk to her.

[573] I'm like, that's ridiculous.

[574] Go to work.

[575] Go to fucking work.

[576] He's stupid.

[577] He's so great.

[578] He's such a bottom, bottom line guy, and has read everything, but his, but He's also just a real man, you know, a real, a real fun.

[579] Sounds like a fun guy to talk to.

[580] He's the best.

[581] The world needs more of those.

[582] I call him every day when I want to talk about something in the news or talk about just advice.

[583] Do you get crazy with him?

[584] How deep do you go in the rabbit hole?

[585] As deep as it gets.

[586] Really?

[587] With that guy?

[588] You can go all the way in the rabbit hole with him, like personal secrets?

[589] Fuck yes.

[590] Anything, huh?

[591] Fuck yes.

[592] And be careful, by the way, because he'll fucking, he'll, he'll smell you, he'll smell you, he'll smell your lion.

[593] Oh my God.

[594] Smell you.

[595] How about this?

[596] How about this?

[597] I'll give you a great story.

[598] Ready, watch this.

[599] My buddy comes in.

[600] I swear to go, I'm with my dad.

[601] We're in my office.

[602] My buddy comes in.

[603] He just happened to be around because he was going to, you know, he just comes down.

[604] He goes, hey, Brian, how are you doing?

[605] I go, hey, Jeff, what's up?

[606] And he goes, not much.

[607] How you doing?

[608] I go, I'm good.

[609] And he goes, all right, man. I'm just going to say, he says a couple words.

[610] And he goes, hey, hey, how are you doing?

[611] Nice to meet you.

[612] And he just leaves.

[613] And my father, my father goes, what's that guy do?

[614] And I go, he's a writer.

[615] my father said oh i suspect that's not going to work out for him and i go and i go how did you know that and he goes pattern recognition i've been around i'm 71 years old that's how pattern recognition so he's like that guy from the bill spin stiller movie where he has like the human lie detector on this that's that's what he can read you in a heartbeat dude he can see you walk across street he knows your whole fucking okay then again how the fuck are you so bad at that well i'm out of actually good at it, I choose to ignore it.

[616] Really?

[617] Actually, I think I'm very good at it, but when I see a project, I go, hey, I need to help you.

[618] So you almost, well, there was a self -destructive aspect to you that always disturbed me being your friend.

[619] Yeah.

[620] That's what would drive me nuts, you know?

[621] Because it was a distraction, and it hurt me. It hurt my career, by the way.

[622] Really?

[623] Yeah.

[624] Yeah.

[625] Yeah, it hurt my career and it hurt my relationships with people that were significant in my life.

[626] And yeah.

[627] And I think a lot of that self -sabotage, we all go through that stuff.

[628] You go through it, man. You're way less than anybody I knew, actually.

[629] You were always very good at cutting out the fat.

[630] And I kept it because I wanted an excuse maybe to, you know, it was like a parachute.

[631] You know what I mean?

[632] I think there's very few reasons in life to give yourself more problems.

[633] And if you can find all your own problems and address them and try to deal with all your own problems and be real honest about that, then it makes it really easy to see other people's problems.

[634] But I've found that in my life, when I wasn't being honest with myself about my own problems, when I had issues, when I had unresolved things in my mind, just when I was a real young man, I was still growing up and trying to get over my fucked up childhood, I found it much more difficult for me to see problems in other people.

[635] Because of the shield that I put on recognizing my own issues, I wasn't as intuitive or insightful when it came to recognize.

[636] other people.

[637] As I got older and I became as honest as is humanly possible which is how I am now.

[638] Then it became where I just see it everywhere.

[639] That became really obvious.

[640] That's what I have now become obsessed with and that's why I don't suffer fools anymore like that.

[641] That's why because what I'm very interested in is figuring out I want to stay as undiluted as I can and as authentic.

[642] When I was watching Springsteen, the word that kept popping in my head was just authentic.

[643] He's never lying.

[644] It's everything about him, the way he dresses, the way, everything about it.

[645] And nothing is in his way.

[646] There's no resistance.

[647] That's why he can do a back bend and touch his head at 62.

[648] Wow.

[649] Literally, back Ben.

[650] That's amazing.

[651] He went all the way back and hit his head.

[652] He can run.

[653] He's 62.

[654] That's amazing.

[655] On stage he did this?

[656] On stage?

[657] Oh, my God.

[658] At 62.

[659] And I went, and I went, that guy's so out of his own way.

[660] You know, I've said this before maybe on the podcast, but it's one of my favorite metaphors that Michelangelo said when he was carving.

[661] A lot of his name.

[662] Michelangelo, when Michelangelo, sorry guys, I speak of Italian, when Michelangelo, sorry, there are no girls here, okay, sorry, sorry, when Michelangelo said, when he carved the David, the statue of David, and he had this piece of marble.

[663] And he said, and this is a great metaphor for art. He said, it's already in there.

[664] I just have to get all this shit out of the way.

[665] And he said, that's how you should look at yourself as a human being.

[666] You're born and you acquire a lot of shit as you're growing up, right?

[667] So as you grow up, a lot of shit's put on you.

[668] your family how they define you what they what they do to you school high school the trauma of school the grief you go through you know your body isn't what you wanted the losses and stuff and you put on a lot of stuff you you come to the world when you're ready to take it on at 30 with a whole lot of fucking baggage and a lot of it's negative you know and the the job then is to figure out a way to get that stuff off you to shed that stuff and get back to who you really are the authentic you and that to me is at least as a comic and as somebody writes and stuff that's that's all i think about now you know what is what is how honest can i truly be with my expression even if i'm being silly and like talking about saving a whale there's a lot of me in there that i'm i'm talking about you know and especially now the stuff that i'm working on now just you know being a father and things like that and that responsibility and what that really means and and and uh with my daughter and and not being able to show her a part of me uh and and who who i want she's going to model the men she dates after me so i got to be a fucking i got to be the i got to be her hero i got to be the guy that she actually i don't want to date and the guy i used to be you know what i mean so there's all those responsibilities that you start taking on as you get older but so much of that is and so much of fucking thought, you know, I've got to think.

[669] They act like it's an active process.

[670] Thinking and being creative is actually learning what not to think about because the rest of it comes to you.

[671] That's a real philosophy.

[672] If you can open yourself up and think of thinking as being more of a channel for what's available to you.

[673] That's a very important distinction.

[674] This notion that, see, a lot of people come and say, well, I'm missing something.

[675] I'm missing something that I have to add to my arsenal.

[676] No. In fact, what you're probably doing is there's something you've got to let go of.

[677] And when you let go of that, you'll get what you're looking for or you'll find it.

[678] That's a fundamental difference in thinking about things.

[679] And I think a lot of times we're taught, hey, you're missing something.

[680] You've got to add to your, you've got to put another arrow in your quiver.

[681] In fact, you might have a better, better advice may be to say, you've got to let some stuff go, man. you're holding on to some stuff you got to let some stuff go you're still defining yourself along lines that are not helpful to you you're still you still have people in your life that are not your friends even though they seem like they are you still have um you're still doing a job um that you hate because it's an excuse to not do not go for what you really want there are a lot of things that you should be deleting you should be taking out of your life and and and then there will be room for something that's much better.

[682] That's a very, it's a scary way to think of it, but I don't think we talk about that enough.

[683] I don't think that that is something that is given enough voice to.

[684] It's definitely something when I get older, I feel myself doing that, just like deleting shit out of your life that constantly bugs you.

[685] Sure.

[686] Like if it's people or friends, I mean, that's one of the biggest things I've been running into lately is just like how many people that, that I keep in like almost a book, like, hey, this person's my friend, this person's my friend, but then actually going through it, I'm like, why am I friends with this person?

[687] There's a million other people that want to be my friend that I could just start hanging out with and that could just take this place and this person's positive.

[688] Yeah, well, watch when people go into a room.

[689] Like a lot of times my mother will go into a room and find everything that's dangerous in a room.

[690] She'll look at the world and she can see a whole bunch of things that are dangerous.

[691] How many times you watch people talk to their kids and say, be careful, might break your arm, careful of that, don't do that.

[692] You're always putting restrictions on people.

[693] now you got to do that to an extent with children of course but we grow up with that with that that kind of guidance and a lot of times they mean well but it's the wrong guidance it's getting in your way you know yeah for sure there's definitely patterns that people can set down early in their life and then continue to follow those patterns and have them not be productive at all it's a real dangerous thing about human beings that we operate in patterns and once a pattern has been established even if it's completely ridiculous we'll follow it whether it's circumcision or whether it's cutting holes in your lip to stretch it out to put a plug and plate in it like those crazy women in suring why do they do that well they because a pattern has been established and they just fall right into it and it can get real weird man it can there can be patterns for cannibalism the semen ingesting tribes of new guinea do you know about all that how fucking nutty is that If you don't know, the story behind that, just look up Seaman tribes, New Guinea.

[694] And there's no way we could delve into how fucking unbelievably bizarre and twisted it is.

[695] But there's a whole tribe, and not just one, but hundreds of them that live in New Guinea, that they're feeding kids sperm.

[696] They're making them suck their dicks and they're fucking them in the ass to make these kids grow older.

[697] And they even, in fact, believe, some of them believe that the only way that a child develops semen, is it has to be planted in his body by fucking him in the ass.

[698] I mean, how did that pattern get going?

[699] History is riddled with those kinds of crazy, you know, I mean, Charles Taylor, one of the, one of these slogans, I just was listening to NPR.

[700] Charles Taylor was the president of Liberia.

[701] And there was, I mean, Charles Taylor, when he came to power, he took, what's his name, Go, they made the guy eat his own ears and they videotaped it, right?

[702] What?

[703] Yeah, then they killed him.

[704] They, when he overthrew that government, Samuel Doe who was the I believe the current president of Liberia he and his henchman Charles Taylor was a military guy I think a major in the army or a general and they had him on a plane and they staged the coup out on the plane and before they killed him they made him meet his own ears Wow Dwayne Rock Johnson because he was a bad guy and they made him in his own ears and I think another part of his body and then I think they actually then they castrated and let him bleed out but the point is that he was a ruthless guy and he's the one who said to Fos de Sanko, who at Liberia...

[705] He doesn't bleed out on a plane?

[706] Yes.

[707] What a puddle that must have been.

[708] Yeah, I don't know all the details, but it was a very brutal way of coming to power, and Charles Taylor was a sociabat.

[709] Just convicted in the Hague, by the way, just convicted for war crimes and crimes against humanity.

[710] But he was the one who said to Fodei Sanko, who was the warlord in Sierra Leone.

[711] He said, you have to brutalize the people so badly that they have no other choice but to vote you in because they're too afraid not to vote for you.

[712] And that was for de Sanko used to go from town to town and said if you voted, if you voted for the government currently, we're going to cut all your hands off.

[713] And he'd cut everybody's hands off.

[714] Oh, my God.

[715] Nice guy.

[716] And what Charles Taylor, Charles Taylor said, what one of the slogans when he was running for president was, you killed my mother, you killed my father, but I'm still going to vote for you.

[717] And it worked for him.

[718] It worked for him.

[719] That's how insane, that's how insane mind indoctrination can become if somebody is vicious enough to do it or manipulate enough.

[720] There was an ancient Japanese story that Duncan told me about a king or an emperor who hired someone to keep his concubines in line.

[721] He hired this famous military advisor to keep his concubines in line.

[722] Concubines are a prostitute.

[723] So he said if you can keep my concubines in line then surely you can run my army.

[724] So what the guy did as he stepped up and he said he clapped his hands and he said listen to me I'm going to say move to the left and you move to the left ready and he claps his hands they moved to the left but a couple of them move to the right and some of them don't do anything so he says I'm going to say it one more time I'm going to clap my hands and when I say move to the left you all move to the left so he does it again and again half of them don't pay attention so he takes the emperor's favorite concubine he brings her in front of everyone and he cuts her fucking head off.

[725] Jesus Christ.

[726] And the emperor tries to stop him.

[727] The emperor runs in and he goes, no, no, not her.

[728] Not her.

[729] She's my favorite.

[730] He goes, no. He goes, you cannot win a war if you're not willing to do what must be done.

[731] And he goes, this is what must be done.

[732] Cuts are fucking head off in everybody.

[733] And then he claps his hands.

[734] And he said, when I say move to the left, you move to the left.

[735] Jesus Christ.

[736] And they fucking fell in line, man. Everyone fell in line.

[737] They knew that that was his favorite one.

[738] That's why he took the favorite one and cut her head off.

[739] Right.

[740] Because there's certain things you have to do if you want to.

[741] to run shit and that's one and this is a that was you know a true military move well what's interesting about that's how that's how every society was ruled especially with the romans the romans basically in this book extreme fear the romans literally just trained their army in constant warfare their training was constant and they kept and they and their battles were as simulated their training was as close to reality as they could simulate they were a very hard group.

[742] One of the reasons being if you want to be ready for combat, you know, you know this from MMA, you better be, you better be training like in situations that mimic combat as close as you can.

[743] We all know this.

[744] But one of the things that's interesting about that way of ruling, which was always by the sword and with extreme measures, was that the political experiment that happened in this country, 250 years ago in Philadelphia, the drafting of the Federalist Papers and the Constitution, was in fact completely the opposite.

[745] It was the notion that in fact, you as a ruler were the servant of and for the people.

[746] And that was what was such a radical notion, this idea that there is not going to be a king and all -powerful king.

[747] It's why when George Washington said, I don't want to be king.

[748] I am not a king.

[749] We are not going to have a king in this country.

[750] We're going to have a president who's voted in by the people.

[751] at that time.

[752] It was, you know, white land -owning people, but it was still a radical notion.

[753] It started, the kernels of that began in England where the king actually had to start being, listening to the parliament.

[754] But it was such a radical notion that you had a group of people that were not military, that didn't have guns, yet they had the authority, the balancing power of the authority to make laws, to raise taxes, to pass taxes, but they were ultimately at the behest of the population they were serving.

[755] Never been done before.

[756] And what it gave rise to is the strongest, most innovative country in the world.

[757] In a lot of ways, if you talk to political philosophy, you know, people who are political, you know, people who make politics of life, But that experiment solved the political problem.

[758] They solved the political problem.

[759] No one ever argues about the fallibility of the Constitution.

[760] It's always a question of how you interpret it.

[761] But we always stay within the confines of the Constitution, which is kind of amazing.

[762] And it's such a radical difference.

[763] Like, that is how you control people.

[764] It is how you control people.

[765] Look at Russia.

[766] Russia's run by a group of ex -KGB guys who are all military guys.

[767] They're one resource is oil.

[768] They have a lot of money.

[769] When was the last time you saw anything come out of Russia, like a car, like a computer, or even clothing?

[770] What innovation has ever come out of Russia?

[771] Nothing but minerals, nothing but oil.

[772] You know why?

[773] Because that kind of thinking, that kind of brutality, that kind of might makes right, actually, at the end of the day, makes a country weaker.

[774] It doesn't make it stronger.

[775] They were so good with rocketry, though.

[776] It's amazing.

[777] They were amazing.

[778] Amazing how far ahead they were when it came to the space race.

[779] It's really incredible.

[780] Oh, you mean the Soviets?

[781] Yeah, the Soviets.

[782] And what's fascinating is also how their designs were parallel to like what Werner von Braun and NASA was doing, but yet different, like different sort of setups with the rockets.

[783] They had a little bit of a different thing, though.

[784] The Soviets were, first of all, had a very rich tradition of art and literature and culture.

[785] And they also, you know, back in the day, communism for a lot of social.

[786] Soviets, a lot of Russians, was an idealistic, was an ideology they really believed in.

[787] And so there was, for a long time, a real communal effort.

[788] There was this notion that we as a country are not only doing the right thing, but we're going to beat the American, the imperialists at their own game.

[789] Well, what I was going to say is they really are very innovative when it came to certain aspects of technology.

[790] Mike Swick, you know, Mike, the guy out of San Jose, the fighter, UFC guy, really good dude um was working in uh a u s embassy in russia a long time ago and he said they found like they would find like little hearing devices and shit that the russes had put into their their stuff to look at them and to risen in on them and one of them they found was powered by the swaying of the building they had never seen anything like it you know what they had to like back engineer this fucking thing and go like if you look at though the cold war and what won the war was the fact that the Soviets ultimately actually from a technological point of view, first of all, they stole, remember they stole from the Rosenbergs, the guys that were put to death by, I believe, Truman, the couple that sold the Soviets, the weapon, the technology for the nuclear weapon.

[791] Really?

[792] Is that what it was?

[793] The Soviets got there, got the, got the bomb from us.

[794] They threw espionage.

[795] But having said that.

[796] Why did I read something about that being a bad decision?

[797] Well, well, the fact that we, the Truman put them both to death, the, the, what the hell is, I can't believe I'm Blanky.

[798] I can't believe I'm, it's the Rosen, it's the, um, I can't believe I'm, it's Roseburg or Rosemberg.

[799] Um, it was a, it was a couple that sold the Soviets, the secrets, the secret to the bomb.

[800] And, and that started the arms race.

[801] Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

[802] Yes, thank you.

[803] And they were put to death for selling the Soviets, the bomb.

[804] And the Soviets got a lot of their technology, not from within their own sort of, sort of, you know, their own laboratories, but from other places, and then, you know, worked on it.

[805] But one of the things that the Soviets lost, like, for example, they're MIG fighter jets.

[806] Couldn't fly as higher as fast.

[807] You know why?

[808] They couldn't come up with the kind of steel.

[809] When you deal with fighter jets, it's all about, like, how, what kind of temperature resistant steel you can come up with?

[810] That way you can burn hotter.

[811] And our F -14s, and F -16s, or whatever, could burn fuel at a much higher temperature without melting the so we could fly higher and faster.

[812] They couldn't keep up with us.

[813] Have you heard about this new thing that went, what is it, 180 times faster in the speed of sound, Brian?

[814] What was this new experimental craft that they had?

[815] I didn't hear it.

[816] You didn't hear about this on Twitter?

[817] Dude.

[818] It's some new NASA spacecraft that they've developed for, it's a drone right now, but it went 100 ,000, some insane miles perils.

[819] Let me give you the exact.

[820] This is what raises all kinds of questions.

[821] Did you see that cheetah, that fucking, mechanical cheetah that they're going to put guns on it runs like a cheetah it runs like i mean robotics the darpa robot yeah it's like transformers dude robotics are are we're gonna have like all kinds of crazy shit it raises a lot of questions man i don't know yeah i like in other words we get that good at killing what does that mean right so that drone that would be pretty much as fast as a bullet wouldn't it this fucking thing apparently went so fast that it peeled the skin off of it what yeah yeah Yeah, they anticipated that the speed was going to peel some of it off, but apparently it peeled all of it off.

[822] Peel.

[823] Yet another device where we're not going to need soldiers anymore.

[824] That's my joke where I go.

[825] The war hero in 20 years is going to be the chubby dude with huge thumb muscles.

[826] It smells like Doritos and weed because he's working toggle switches all that.

[827] You know, you think about how good guys get at video games where it's so frustrating to play them.

[828] Imagine if those guys are in control of like some sort of a death machine with no lag time.

[829] So that means Korea wins, right?

[830] it's a hypersonic glider and then what they're saying is the skin was peeled off by the speed of this fucking thing this is a this is incredible this is another DARPA project DARPA they're so scary video games are responsible for top gun fighter pilots and for SWAT team guys you get these 16 year olds that come in and they can fly a plane after learning a little bit on the simulator as well as any top gun fighter pilot or shoot more accurately than the best sniper you know why they've been playing fucking gun video games and fighter pilot shit since they were three years old yeah so they just they had that hand -eye coordination yeah the uh the ability to aim at there there was a shooting in a school where the kid shot eight kids in his classroom and none of the squad team when they looked at the what happened he was shooting kids in the head as they were running and catching them in head shots squeezing them off and they were like we don't have anybody can do that i mean that that's kind of a physical impossibility thing he but the kid had been doing that he'd been shooting whatever you know yeah so he was by the time he was by the time he was he was 16, he was an expert with a gun.

[831] I wonder if there's going to be less car accidents because of video games for kids.

[832] Or I wonder, like, if you were to go back like 10 years.

[833] Like if they have better hand -eye coordination?

[834] Yeah, it makes sense.

[835] Yeah, cars are also going to be communicating with each other.

[836] It's a physical thing, though, you know, especially when you're shifting gears and stuff.

[837] So this thing went 20 times faster than the speed of sound.

[838] What?

[839] Fast enough to fly from New York to Los Angeles in 12 minutes.

[840] Hold on.

[841] I'm going to tell you how fast it is.

[842] 750 miles an hour is to speed.

[843] of sound it went for nine minutes it flew and apparently this thing could go it can go from New York to LA in less than 12 minutes my fucking God what what was that it could go to New York to L .A. in less than 12 minutes it's 2 ,000 times faster than this speed 20 times the speed of sound okay and you know how fast that is that's 15 ,000 miles an hour wow actually 13 ,000 13 ,000 miles an hour that's what this thing is okay the result gaps and speed.

[844] So it's actually a little less than 20 times.

[845] Well, you know what?

[846] Actually, I think it's capable of more than that.

[847] I think what they're saying is at 13 ,000 miles an hour with a skin peeled off of it.

[848] 13 ,000 miles an hour?

[849] Oh my God.

[850] 13 ,000 miles in an hour.

[851] What are you talking about?

[852] Jesus Christ.

[853] Think about how fucking fast that thing would be.

[854] It flew to New York in how long?

[855] 12 minutes.

[856] From where?

[857] Well, it couldn't make it because it burnt to death in nine minutes.

[858] It fell apart.

[859] What's the fuel?

[860] I don't know Adderall It's Coke It runs on Coke Yeah exactly What if they found That cocaine was like The best fuel ever Well in some ways it is And you could use it to get to the moon No problem For a little while it is For a little while you feel invincible If you figured out how to put it into some sort of an engine That made a combustion It's only possible with cocaine Well that's the thing It's like trying to come up with like Fuel that really Is that way I guess we are Well, we're going to have to because it's going to run out of fucking oil.

[861] It's going to, it might be 100 years from now, it might be 50 years now.

[862] Yeah, but eventually.

[863] It looks like it's going to run out.

[864] The cars are already running.

[865] I mean, I've got a Prius, which you may find me. You don't even have a car, sir.

[866] It's a dishwasher.

[867] A man who's so manly, why do you not have a Shelby Mustang?

[868] Because I like.

[869] Come with me. Come with me to the dealership.

[870] Let me tell you something.

[871] I don't think you know.

[872] I don't think you're missing out because I don't think you've ever experienced it.

[873] This is like you and I going to buy a game bread pit bull, remember?

[874] Yeah, I remember that.

[875] Very well.

[876] You and I have a couple of idiots We go find this complete bad You know how to drive a stick shift You're gonna drive my GT3 When we get out of here Okay You have some money You should get a fun car You don't even have to floss Get a goddamn Mustang GT Or Ford Edge Ford Edge is not what I'm talking about A Mustang GT They're fun They're fun It's a fucking big V8 400 something horsepower Yeah but I drive too much I got to fill it up with gas All the time So you go to the gas station It sucks It takes five minutes Don't be a pussy You know when you need gas you don't need gas.

[877] Get yourself a goddamn manly car.

[878] You would love it.

[879] You know what you should get?

[880] Get a goddamn Dodge S -R -T -8 challenger.

[881] That's what I'm talking about.

[882] That's what I'm talking about.

[883] See, he's happy, I bet.

[884] He's got sticks it with a racing thing.

[885] Yeah, I bet he's happy.

[886] I was in it yesterday.

[887] I got seasick.

[888] I got car sick.

[889] I bet he was happy, though.

[890] Did he look like he was happy?

[891] He can't drive slowly.

[892] He looked pretty happy, though, didn't me?

[893] He cannot drive slowly.

[894] He wants a giant V8.

[895] His cars need to be monsters and totally inappropriate.

[896] It's perfect.

[897] His wheels are that.

[898] He's enjoying his life.

[899] A challenger?

[900] It's kind of scrawny wheels.

[901] He's got the racing.

[902] He's got the expensive one.

[903] That's great.

[904] Those cars are, they don't handle that well because it's a big car.

[905] It's like more than 4 ,000 pounds, I believe.

[906] I mean, even I have the Shelby GT 500 and that's like 3 ,800 or something like that.

[907] They're pretty heavy in comparison to like the Porsche is like 3 ,000 pounds.

[908] Right.

[909] Porsche is really light.

[910] And when you get a big heavy car like that, it's fucking really hard to make handle.

[911] But in straight lines, in some ways, the challenger is like one of the last real old school muscle cars.

[912] Really?

[913] Yeah, and the Mustang GT, you know, the GT 500, the Shelby, it's still stupid.

[914] It's like way too much power for the back.

[915] And the new ones, they're coming out with new ones that have 650 horsepower.

[916] Mine has 550 and it's ridiculous.

[917] 550.

[918] 5 .50.

[919] And it sounds majestic.

[920] It makes your balls feel good.

[921] Like when you hear the noise, br -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l.

[922] See, I, I've driven other cars.

[923] Like, if I had to pick, what's my best car?

[924] I would say the Porsche, the GT3, the race car.

[925] That's a great car, right?

[926] That's a great car.

[927] But it's not as stupid, put a big stupid grin on your face fun.

[928] The Shelby's more fun because it's got a big, dumb engine.

[929] And when you hit the gas, it goes, It's American.

[930] It's American versus German.

[931] It's America.

[932] Fuck yeah.

[933] It's got low end torque.

[934] Like, it throws you back in the seat with a, they should have made, they should have just added.

[935] balls to it.

[936] This challenge is only starts off at 24 and it gets 27 miles per gallon, which is actually really good.

[937] Yeah.

[938] It's not bad.

[939] It's a, it's a, it's a beautiful car.

[940] It's a beautiful car.

[941] It's a fucking, your car only goes 52 if you drive like a girl.

[942] It's true.

[943] They took your car.

[944] Didn't you tell me that the, uh, that actually it gets not as good gas miles as your BMW or something?

[945] Yes, an M on an M3, not even a regular BMW.

[946] If you take it on a track.

[947] Oh really?

[948] Yes.

[949] Top gear.

[950] I love them to death.

[951] those guys out of the England, Jeremy Clarkson went around a track and he had a BMW M3 and he floored it and the guy tried to keep up with him.

[952] No, he had to keep up with the guy in the Prius.

[953] That's all he had to do.

[954] And the BMW, it was much easier for the BMW to keep up like a really easy, like for the BMW an easy pace, like 90 miles an hour or something like that.

[955] Whereas the Prius was fucking struggling to keep it up.

[956] So the Prius actually burnt more gas.

[957] It's not made for that.

[958] It's a piece of shit!

[959] You're a man!

[960] What about the X -5?

[961] You're a man, Callan.

[962] Get away from me with that.

[963] You need a goddamn challenger with a stick shift too, you pussy.

[964] Don't get the automatic.

[965] That's what I'm talking about.

[966] That's part of being a man. You got to be able to fucking keep it in neutral.

[967] Would you really recommend a challenger, though?

[968] Fuck yeah.

[969] I would recommend one.

[970] I didn't know it was this cheap.

[971] Dude, I would buy one.

[972] I love a joke.

[973] It's irrational.

[974] It's like, come on.

[975] I might be a baby.

[976] It's traffic in LA.

[977] Stick shift.

[978] Yeah.

[979] I have a hundred horse power.

[980] I might buy one of those when my Mustang's leases up.

[981] I might.

[982] I might get one of those.

[983] fucking buy a horse sexy i may trade my car in i yeah that's a good car if you're going to trade it in for a challenger that's a great car what do you drive so make solid cars man and they're fun to drive it sounds cool it's easy to see out of you know it's a give me give me another car what about get get a manly car i can't tell you what you should get what you should get it's like a fucking 9 -11 get a new Porsche they have a new 9 -9 -1 oh yeah you don't even have to drive a stick shift they have a dual clutch transmission the paddle shifting really If you got some cash and you're ready to party, it's fun.

[984] Yeah.

[985] You don't have to drive irresponsibly either to feel the fun.

[986] No, I know.

[987] It's just that you're just emerging on the highway.

[988] I drove, I drove Arnold Schwarzenegger's old Porsche because my buddy had it in his lot.

[989] And I was like in first gear the whole time, I can't go anywhere.

[990] It's traffic.

[991] Well, you know, you're going to get a little bit of that.

[992] But you can, if you want to buy a new car, you can get a car that has a dual clutch.

[993] But it was my feeling.

[994] I bought the 335 IBMW.

[995] It's a great car.

[996] I couldn't drive it, though.

[997] I was just always, I can never open it.

[998] up it was always like it just felt like it was it wanted to go and I couldn't I felt like I kept I was keeping a dog in the cage really because I have the M3 and it always feels that's like my favorite yeah but you live the way you live out there you can you got some open road too yeah but even if you don't you know I think the modern cars I do fascinated by it yeah I love technology and my favorite technology like interactive technology is cars why is that do you think because they're connected well first of all because I'm an idiot and I see these amazing things like computers and I'm like who the fuck how is this possible who's doing this how they making this even what they do with the mustang i love the fact that they've taken this really shit design it's a live axle car it doesn't even have independent rear suspension what does that mean it means the the the back rear tires act on one giant axle as opposed to a much more modern car like the portia has active independent suspension so so if you go over a bump at the right the the right absorbs it the left doesn't it keeps you planted to the ground better If you hit a bump in the Shelby, your fucking whole ass end goes up in the air.

[999] It's a stupid design, but they've taken it to the utmost limits.

[1000] Like they've really done the best job to harness.

[1001] It's like driving a bodybuilder.

[1002] It's like it's not like an MMA fighter.

[1003] It's like just a huge fucking bodybuilder.

[1004] It's a gorilla.

[1005] It's a gorilla that just wants to stomp on the gas.

[1006] It can corner, I mean, they, especially the coops.

[1007] The convertible is a little flip -floppy, but the coop is pretty stiff.

[1008] They corner really good.

[1009] You can get them around a racetrack.

[1010] like they have the new ones have like a sport suspension but just as far as like something that's pure fun yeah it's pure fun to hear on the highway it's pure fun to drive around it's hard to beat one of those Shelby mustangs just the sound of it it's so satisfying it's like you know they're driving a goddamn sewing machine man yeah it's true it's really even even even the when i bought when i bought that i tell you the story when i went to lease the prius i go in there and i go i want red and the guy goes but you do it's because it's it's Barcelona red and he goes you do you sure you don't want black he was trying to talk me and I go no I want red please I want a red Prius and please refer to it as the red ram and he's like what do you mean I go it's called the red ram and and he goes sir your Prius ready I go my what is ready he goes your red ram is ready and I made them all stand there and I drove out with my fingers like this curled like a ram's horns on the like a thing like that and I fucking And I was like, gentlemen, thank you for your time.

[1011] And I just fucking rolled out of my Prius like this, like a fucking idiot.

[1012] Yeah, it's called the Red Rim.

[1013] These challengers are so sexy.

[1014] Let me see.

[1015] You know what?

[1016] If you want to look up a sick one, dude, look up the SRT8.

[1017] And I believe they're 45 or 46 for their top of the line one.

[1018] It's a great looking car.

[1019] Now, is this challenger, does this have independent suspension or no?

[1020] Yes, yes, those do.

[1021] Only the foreign Mustangs don't.

[1022] It's a really good looking car.

[1023] That's what fucking Dove has only has the, racing one yeah the RT SRT yeah it's ridiculous Brian look that up look up the SRT 8 Challenger yeah I love the fact that America is finally making cool cars again for the longest time all the cars looked like shit like even go go back to like old Z 28 Camaro's they look so stupid and if you compare like the really old ones like the 1967 69 Camaros there were amazing cars even the 70 they were works of art works of art amazing when they're done up right but then something happened in like the 80s and the 90s they were just dog shit and now they're fucking cool again like i saw a camaro s s the other day some dude drove by me i'm like that is a great shaped car right yeah that's the sart 8 yeah that's the most expensive one i think yeah it's 46 that's the special speed yellow whatever the hell is that's what maybe i'll get that one fuck yeah dude are you crazy that's a fun car to drive run it great fit Simmons by the way just like you conflicted family man the whole deal he uh not that you're conflicted as a family man conflicted in your ability to express your masculinity because you have children he got a Prius and he wanted this so bad he wanted a challenger so bad he was fucking i almost fucking bought it and he knows i hate this piece of shit he goes and then it doesn't get good gas much because i drive it like an asshole he's like stomping on the gas every that's that's not me i like i like the way i'm a retard is i'll be in the backyard with my buddy kieran learning different choke holds and learning his brand of jiu jiu juts and boxing dude let me tell you something that car will make you funnier you get in that car, it'll make you feel like you're having a good time.

[1024] That's the car that my car, that rides car, should have been.

[1025] Right.

[1026] My rides car was a hunk of shit.

[1027] It was a beautiful looking car, an amazing construction, but it would break down constantly.

[1028] People, like someone said to me, why did you get rid of it?

[1029] This is why I got rid of it.

[1030] I was driving on the highway going like 70 miles an hour.

[1031] Then 10 minutes later I pull into my driveway and my wheel and suspension detaches from the frame in my driveway.

[1032] The car goes sideways So I get out The wheel is shoved into the fender The fender's dented And I was like, I was just on the highway With this thing And like these old cars suck They handle like a rhino on roller skates Like a drunk rhinoceros On a fucking ice skating rink They're terrible They're all designed fucked up They look amazing though They look incredible Well this car What these new challenges are It's like here's a car You could fucking actually drive And it actually has real brakes ABS brakes.

[1033] It's got a real, you know, traction management system.

[1034] And it looks the same.

[1035] It's, like, very similar, you know?

[1036] This is the car you're talking about.

[1037] That challenger.

[1038] It looks just like my car.

[1039] It's like, it's so similar to my barracuda.

[1040] Although there's something about those old barracudas where you knew it was all metal.

[1041] It was just so much more legit.

[1042] Yeah.

[1043] With all that plastic and stuff.

[1044] Oh, that was a gorgeous car.

[1045] You sold that for probably, you sold it for some.

[1046] I made some money on it, yeah.

[1047] And then I just bought the Porsche.

[1048] So it's so much more fun.

[1049] But if I had to choose one, I would take a Mustang.

[1050] Because it's fun.

[1051] It's not the best car.

[1052] It's not the most refined.

[1053] The interior is made out of shit plastic.

[1054] Ultimately, it really is about having fun.

[1055] It's fun.

[1056] It's about having fun.

[1057] When I hit the gas in the car, and I'm not even talking about going fast.

[1058] It's satisfied.

[1059] Even my father, he goes, he goes, what are you driving?

[1060] What is this thing?

[1061] Yeah, what the fuck is that?

[1062] What is it?

[1063] And Doug Davidoff always says, he goes, they should call it, they should call it, instead of the Prius, they should call it.

[1064] I won't, I won't punch you back no matter what you do to me well the thing is the reason why i say this is that i know you're not broke you have money you're a very successful guy you do very well like you could get a car like this and it's an easy choice it's not a rational at all i can definitely afford the card i i want that's that's true i looked at the outy a five cut to twitter oh that's great two fucking rich guys talking about what kind of car to drive it's not about that sir it's about seizing passion it's about having fun your fuck in life it right and when if you have a car that's a fun car to drive you can afford it only if you can afford it if you can't afford it it becomes the exact opposite instead of being this cool thing it becomes this fucking velvet prison you have to drag around with you everywhere that's slowly sinking you and taking away your time because you have to work extra hours i gotta say i've had some such such nice people on twitter say things too like i get such great feet like people are just so nice i had a guy i was feeling very good about my one hour special because it was an hour and a half I wanted to cut it down to 42 minutes.

[1065] There's a lot of reasons.

[1066] It doesn't matter.

[1067] And I was feeling a little bad.

[1068] I was like, oh, I wish I could do it over again.

[1069] We talked about it.

[1070] And a guy tweets me, this guy tweets me a video of his one -year -old daughter laughing her ass off at my special.

[1071] I was like, what a fucking great thing to do.

[1072] Literally, like, tweets it.

[1073] And the kid is howling.

[1074] And then you go to me on the screen and come back to her face.

[1075] And the kid is fucking howling at my jokes.

[1076] It was such a fucking great tweet.

[1077] I was like, that's what I love about.

[1078] you know, this whole technology age.

[1079] You can connect to really good people.

[1080] Yeah, it brings you, it just brings everybody together and, you know, I don't know.

[1081] Like minded people.

[1082] Yeah, like minded people.

[1083] Yeah, like mine.

[1084] They know you're a nice guy, nice people are attracted to that.

[1085] You know, the shows that we've been getting at, like I filmed my special in Atlanta a couple weeks ago, the crowds, they're better than any crowd that you could reasonably hope to ever get in your life.

[1086] I believe it.

[1087] And they're there at every show.

[1088] It's like the same kind of crowds at every show.

[1089] Well, I was in Canada.

[1090] I was in Toronto.

[1091] and yuck yucks and i had a bunch people that listened to your podcast so they came out to see me oh by the way i'll be in houston june 14th 15th and 16th at the houston improv and then i'll be yeah and then i'll be at um i'm going to be at kansas city stanford and suns june 20th 22nd oh that guy's classic peal juice craig glazer yeah he's awesome brian call and you come in this week and do some comedy that's a good that's a good Craig glazer right there maybe some blow freak fried potatoes he's the greatest He's the greatest.

[1092] He introduced me to a stripper that had a tattoo of a stripper on her back.

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] And it looked like a five -year -old had drawn it.

[1095] I mean, it was like the worst tattoo of us.

[1096] It was, she was such a pretty girl, too.

[1097] And then I had this spark moment of like, this girl needs to be rescued, hardcore.

[1098] That would have been me. Like, you could totally have taken her.

[1099] She was really pretty.

[1100] Yeah.

[1101] But this tattoo was just like this giant, like, warning sign.

[1102] There's something really wrong here This is this complete craziness The tattoo was so bad man You would have to kill the person They'd put that tattoo on your body You would have to kill them There's no way you would ever They would not be able to pay you enough in court To make you feel good about it I've never known what to get as a tattoo It was another thing It just wasn't me How about just man class?

[1103] How about a Prius?

[1104] Man class Man class and then TM Did you see the picture Did you see the picture of my man class Go to Brian Callen .com And they superimpose my body to look really muscular.

[1105] Show, show Joe.

[1106] Show that it's so stupid.

[1107] They make me look really muscular.

[1108] How muscular?

[1109] How muscular?

[1110] You'll say.

[1111] You'll say it's so dumb.

[1112] Why did they do that?

[1113] Did you allow them to do that?

[1114] Yeah, I wanted them to.

[1115] I wanted two girls to be clutching each leg.

[1116] And I'm standing with fire.

[1117] It's so cheesy.

[1118] It looks like the shittiest.

[1119] Why would you do that when you could, it would it be even funnier if you did it like in your underwear, if you were, I wanted to.

[1120] I wanted to, but we were like, oh, fuck it.

[1121] You know, we just had that.

[1122] It's so creepy looking.

[1123] Yeah, you look like Hussamar Paul Hor is.

[1124] Look at that.

[1125] It looked like some big Brazilian guy.

[1126] I'm very good with the Lake Lark.

[1127] Yeah, I just saw Fabrizio Verduem down in Venice outside Jolina, this restaurant.

[1128] Man, glass.

[1129] What a stud that guy is.

[1130] Fucking stud.

[1131] He's a big boy.

[1132] Yeah, he's a big boy.

[1133] You don't realize it.

[1134] I'm a fucking baboon.

[1135] I'm a fruit thrower.

[1136] I live in the trees when that guy's around.

[1137] He's a silverback.

[1138] I'm literally like, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[1139] Yeah, Fabricio Redoom's a bad motherfucker when it comes to Jitsu.

[1140] Do you see that fight with Roy Nelson?

[1141] and took Roy Nelson's back, like, within seconds of the fight.

[1142] Roy threw a big punch, missed, and Fabricio had his back.

[1143] You're not doing a thing with that.

[1144] I was watching him.

[1145] He was just sitting on the curb, actually.

[1146] He was, I think he was texting, and I was looking at him, and I said to my buddy, I go, I think I'm right about this.

[1147] If, on the ground, on the ground, there may be one other person on the planet that could actually have, you know, tap that guy.

[1148] Maybe, who knows?

[1149] Who knows?

[1150] Yeah, maybe not.

[1151] But what he's great at, man, his fucking guard is ridiculous.

[1152] he's one of the hardest guys to ground and pound like Ryan Parsons who's he manages mayhem used to manage King Mo and a lot of those guys he would talk about when they would be training with Fabricio like the ground and pound just did not work on him he's just so good at putting feet on hips and his guard is so active he's a fucking top of the food chain black belt and really good off his back for a giant man he's a natural 260 yeah he's a big fucking guy you know it's no steroids he's just a natural It's so good at, like, his dexterity with his legs, like, moving his legs.

[1153] That's why, like, when Fador fell to his guard, I remember watching it, my eyes went up.

[1154] I was like, really?

[1155] Like, how ballsy is this guy?

[1156] And then all of a sudden, he caught Fador in the triangle.

[1157] And I was like, he's fucked, man. I'm like, this is not a regular triangle.

[1158] You are not getting out of that sign.

[1159] And then when he started breaking his arm, Fador finally tapped.

[1160] Yeah.

[1161] But watching it, I was like, as soon as Fador went to his guard, my immediate instinct was like, wow.

[1162] Like, that's crazy.

[1163] This guy's crazy.

[1164] Yeah.

[1165] Like, why would you think that you could get locked up by this dude?

[1166] And then I thought about it.

[1167] I was like, he probably never fought anybody like Verdume in his whole life, except for Minotaro.

[1168] And Minotaro couldn't catch him.

[1169] So he probably felt if Minotaro couldn't catch him, this guy can't catch him either.

[1170] Right.

[1171] But that's how good Fabrice Radoom's guard is.

[1172] Probably the best heavyweight guard in M .MA.

[1173] Next to Frank Mere is pretty goddamn good, too, man. Frank Mier catches you.

[1174] He's so good at Jiu -Jitsu, man. He's so explosive, too.

[1175] And he breaks shit, man. He's like, no one has had the record of breaking shit in the M -M -A world, like Frank Mier.

[1176] Jesus.

[1177] Against high -level guys.

[1178] Almost broke back.

[1179] If Steve Mazzagati had fucked up for one extra second, because he missed the tap and he didn't rush it and stop it quick enough.

[1180] If it had gone on for just a couple extra seconds, that knee could have blown out.

[1181] It scares me. He broke Tim Sylvia's arm, and then, of course, he broke Nogara's arm.

[1182] I mean, he's a big boy, too.

[1183] Frank Mare's a solid 260 now.

[1184] He's going to fight Mr. He's fighting for the title.

[1185] Junior Dos Santos.

[1186] Yeah, in May. That's going to be...

[1187] Fuck, yeah, that's going to be amazing.

[1188] I can't wait for that.

[1189] I really was hoping to see Overeem.

[1190] Of course.

[1191] Yeah.

[1192] Apparently, Overeem says that he took a shot by a doctor.

[1193] There was an anti -inflammatory, and it had testosterone in it.

[1194] He didn't know about it.

[1195] And this doctor is apparently a very controversial doctor.

[1196] Yeah.

[1197] And the doctor's got in trouble for some things.

[1198] He did put on 50 pounds of muscle.

[1199] Listen, it's only 50.

[1200] It's just 50 pounds of muscle in your 30s.

[1201] But I'm sure that was all eating a lot of steak and drinking raw milk.

[1202] No, horse meat.

[1203] Is that what it was?

[1204] Oh, okay.

[1205] He ate a lot of horse meat.

[1206] Interesting.

[1207] Have you ever seen six?

[1208] 60 steaks stacked up go to the supermarket go to the supermarket and just stop and think about It's from pull -ups.

[1209] It's from pull -ups and rolling jiu -jitsu dude.

[1210] What are you talking about?

[1211] Listen, I don't care how it got there.

[1212] Just keep it on.

[1213] It looks great.

[1214] He looks good.

[1215] He's a goddamn superhero.

[1216] I met him.

[1217] I met him and talked to him for a brief a little bit and when he was about his Brock fight and he had nothing but respectful things to say.

[1218] Listen, man, all the roids in the world is only going to do you so much good.

[1219] What does Alistar over him good is that he can fight his fucking ass off.

[1220] He's a scary fighter.

[1221] You can talk all the shit you want about his roids, you know, that may or may not have taken, I don't know.

[1222] Acquired.

[1223] He trains hard.

[1224] He's a very technical fighter.

[1225] Skilled fighter.

[1226] Dude, his fucking fight with Brock was, you know, a beat down.

[1227] That was a good, convincing fight to let Brock less or no. He does not want to have any part of any people like that.

[1228] When he kicked him in the body, you saw that shin kick to the liver.

[1229] I don't think in your 30s like Brock in your late 30s or whatever he was, you can't learn how to be a hot.

[1230] I can't learn how to strike, no way.

[1231] Not with high -level guys, no way.

[1232] He's so ridiculous.

[1233] And learning to take a punch.

[1234] He's essentially a blue belt and striking, a big, strong, athletic blue belt.

[1235] And he's taking on a 10th degree black belt.

[1236] Taking on a K -1 Grand Prix champion.

[1237] It's not going to happen.

[1238] I mean, Alastor over him, as far as, like, decorated fighters in M .M .A. He's the most decorated striker, period.

[1239] He won the Grand Prix.

[1240] Even though Botter -Hari wasn't in it that year, he still won the goddamn Grand Prix.

[1241] No one's ever done that and then been a high -level MMA guy.

[1242] And those Dutch, he came out of those Dutch schools, which are the best kick for boxing.

[1243] I mean, and then you got, savages.

[1244] You're not going to, you're not going to be able to hang with, bang with dudes who've been doing that for the past 10 years.

[1245] And now you're trying.

[1246] I mean, I give, I give, I give, I think, you got to give, you got to give Brock Lesnar a lot of credit to anybody, obviously.

[1247] You know, I have such respect for anybody who gets in that fucking octagon.

[1248] Yeah, well.

[1249] But it's so, it's just, it's really hard to, it's really hard to, when I watched him lose to Kane Velasquez, and I remember thinking to myself, I said, it's really hard to meet, those hands when you're when you're you can't just you know bang with and protect yourself against a guy who's been boxing that long it's really hard to do you know it's very hard to do especially when you're coming off a fucking surgery to your bowels yeah and cane can also cane is used he'll take a punch you can punch him in the face and he keeps his eyes oh did he have the cane fight did he did that was that fight pre -surgery how did it go uh i believe that 12 inches of his colon no i think that was after i believe it was because he had direct Verticulitis, right?

[1250] Right.

[1251] I think what happened was he had the cane fight, and then he was supposed to have another fight.

[1252] Right.

[1253] Then realized when he was supposed to fight Junior Dos Santos, right?

[1254] Yeah.

[1255] And then he realized that he had to back out because of divertaticalitis.

[1256] He almost died, I think.

[1257] He had 12 inches of his colonel removed.

[1258] God damn.

[1259] Yeah.

[1260] The whole thing is just so crazy.

[1261] The fact that it came from, you know, eating meat without fiber and that it can be that dangerous.

[1262] Yeah, that it can back up inside your body and the walls of your, your, you're, you're, the lining of your gut, get caked with excess protein.

[1263] It creates abscesses, and it can actually eat its way through the wall and the lining of your body.

[1264] It's super -duper dangerous.

[1265] And apparently he cleared it up initially with diet, and they were worried that, you know, he was going to need surgery, but he cleared it up with diet.

[1266] But then as he's training, the real heavy, high -level training, breaks your immune system down so much, it started coming back.

[1267] And then they realized, like, this is a damaged area that's never going to quite fully heal, so we have to cut it out.

[1268] So then they went in there, and they cut out 12 inches of his cone.

[1269] And then put it all back together.

[1270] And then he took a shot to his ribs.

[1271] By Alistair, which is like getting hit by a safari jeep.

[1272] That's a good way of putting it.

[1273] Yeah.

[1274] That's what it's like.

[1275] If you look at the kick, too, Overeem's foot is pulled towards him, which accentuates the bone of the shin.

[1276] Oh, God.

[1277] And he's just perfect technique, giant legs slamming into your body.

[1278] I was watching, I remember watching Boss Routen kick a bag at Beverly Hills Jiu -Jitsu.

[1279] This is like literally.

[1280] 12 years ago and I was watching him roundhouse kick this bag and I was just like the power and the force of that guy that just I was just like I mean boss could hit what an athlete I was just I remember thinking of myself getting kicked in the leg or the side with that you're done you should see boss kicking the pads there's like videos of him kicking the tie pads he did it very differently like a lot of guys what they would do is they would hit the pads or hit the bag and they would sort of like paste themselves you know they do a round but they wouldn't throw everything full blast.

[1281] Boss would throw every punch, every kick, 100%.

[1282] He goes, that's what I do, 100%.

[1283] He's like, you know, I start off, I can only do 30 seconds.

[1284] So that's what I would do.

[1285] I do 30 second rounds.

[1286] He's another guy who was really good at keeping things light and, you know, even his fighting.

[1287] Like he was always good at just being playful.

[1288] I think that's how he dealt with the pressure, you know?

[1289] Well, his strategy for training was that.

[1290] He would do one minute full blast, as much as he could do, full blast, and then he would start adding time onto that.

[1291] You know, he do a minute in 10 seconds, minute in 20 seconds.

[1292] Next thing you know, it's two minutes.

[1293] Next thing you know, he can go five minutes like a fucking jackhammer.

[1294] In this book, Extreme Fear, it's really interesting.

[1295] They do a study, a clinical study of fear, and they do, and fear in different forms like fear, combat fear and performance fear, whether you're a performer or whether you're an opera singer or you're an actor.

[1296] But mainly athletes and a lot of athletes get what they call the Yips, like in the middle of their career when they're high level like all of a sudden they can't throw a baseball over a plate yet they're the best pitcher you know and it's because what happens is people start to watch them dan jensen uh i think that's his name that the most decorated speed skater of all time he three olympics in a row he he just fucking just kept choking really he kept choking until finally he just because he got into his own head and he had to learn how to talk to himself finally he goes fuck it i guess i'll just skate this thousand meter and he's And he apologized to Wisconsin ahead of time to say, hey, guys, I'm going to fucking, I'm not going to win this.

[1297] Sorry.

[1298] Sorry, Milwaukee or sorry, Wisconsin.

[1299] And because he gave up and there was no pressure on him whatsoever, he won the fucking gold.

[1300] And they talk about how a lot of athletes and a lot of people in general, that fear, that second guessing, that self -doubt when you're working on a high level and trying to be the best at something is something that you have to come to terms with.

[1301] and there are psychological techniques in which to deal with it but it's so interesting to me that human beings that perform on such a high level and have so much success and get so good at something still have dragons to slay they still have fucking psychological dragons to slay it never ends you know when you really have a dragon of sleigh when you think that you don't have a dragon of sleigh that's when you're really fucked and that's what happens to a lot of people they reach a certain point whether it's artistically whether it's athletically they reach a certain point where they feel like they've made it or they're beyond reproach, or they're not hungry or growing anymore, and stagnation sets in, and then mediocrity is coming next.

[1302] Absolutely.

[1303] And one of the things I always find with young people, you know, and I think a lot of young people listen to this, is that self -doubt always stops people.

[1304] But you've got to realize that successful people, all successful people, have self -doubt.

[1305] They just learn not to indulge it.

[1306] They learn to ignore it or they learn to make it, they use it to their advantage.

[1307] Self -doubt is a human, it's a human emotion.

[1308] It's there.

[1309] Not believing in yourself is human, but you can learn how to deal with that.

[1310] That should never stop you from going for things.

[1311] So what if you don't believe in yourself?

[1312] So take the action anyway.

[1313] Take the first fucking step, right?

[1314] That's what you see with this.

[1315] And one of the things that I think is so interesting is you see people with, oh, this is great.

[1316] This guy who's this therapist, he deals with a lot of top CEOs, like big time fucking people who run huge corporations.

[1317] And they don't want anybody knowing that they see him, but they'll see him and they'll, you'll bill out at $500 an hour or whatever, but he gets results.

[1318] And I said, what's the over, what's the overriding thing you have to help very successful people with?

[1319] I'm talking about big time business leaders and, and big time athletes.

[1320] And you know what he said?

[1321] He was talking about business leaders.

[1322] He goes, most of them feel like frauds.

[1323] And I went, really?

[1324] And he goes, yeah, most of them feel like they don't deserve to be where they are.

[1325] They feel like they're going to be found out.

[1326] They feel generally like they're frauds.

[1327] like they just got there by fucking just a the god smiled on them and now they're here and what the fuck do they do and i was like god that's crazy shit you see these people who run entire corporations and in their hearts they feel like like they feel like complete frauds that's human you have to have a certain amount of humility to achieve excellence yeah and in in that humility there's going to come uh observing eye upon you that's so critical your your self observations are so much more critical than anybody else's observations to you if you're good at it because you know yourself more than anybody does you're with yourself 24 hours a day so a guy like that of course is going to look at himself going you fucking pussy you're faking this whole thing because really his his way of looking at himself is he's not really impressed with himself right which is why he's done so well in the first one -hour special i fucking hated it i went into a defunct i was yeah you know i'm much better than that yeah you got to be careful with that you can really fuck your head up yeah again watch my old shit if i I watch my old shit disgusted with myself I'm the same way sloppy timing and I thought I was great I'm killing the room the audience is going crazy then I watch it I'm like what the fuck is this you know what's really fucked up man try watching some old comedy I mean you're growing and you're getting better but try watching some shit from like you know Bob Hope from like the 1950s try watching that it's dated dude my god is it dated you know what holds up you know kind of holds up fucking Don Rickles oh yeah oh my God he holds up he's still around Yeah, he's still throwing down.

[1328] He was just in Vegas in April.

[1329] Jesus Christ.

[1330] He tweets, Don Rickles.

[1331] Does he?

[1332] Yeah, he's a good Twitter.

[1333] What's his Twitter?

[1334] He said to Bob Saggett, when Bob Saggett was doing dirty work, he was directing a thing, and he comes to set, and he goes, he goes, he comes up to Bob Saggett.

[1335] Yeah, I'm here to do this movie for you.

[1336] I understand you're directing the movie.

[1337] I told Mr. Martin Scorsese, I said I just came from, by the way.

[1338] I just told Martin Scorsese that you were directing a film.

[1339] The man clutched his chest.

[1340] I'm already following him.

[1341] It's Don Riggles.

[1342] I got a follow.

[1343] D -O -N -R -I -C -K -L -E -S.

[1344] Yeah, he's got good tweets.

[1345] Don Rickles.

[1346] Don Rickles is a monster.

[1347] Get him on a podcast.

[1348] That would be amazing.

[1349] Yeah.

[1350] Yeah, he's a still funny old dude.

[1351] Some guys can keep it up, man. You know, in comedy, there's not that many.

[1352] There's a certain age that a lot of them hit.

[1353] Very few get to be like George Carlin.

[1354] Wow.

[1355] It was really funny right till his death.

[1356] Well, he also decided, like, somewhere along the line to not just do jokes.

[1357] He was like, I want to.

[1358] I want to talk about stuff that matters to me. Yeah, and he was so prolific.

[1359] Look at Don Rickles' latest photo.

[1360] He has a picture of him and his cat.

[1361] I mean, Joan Rivers.

[1362] He's almost 90, dude.

[1363] John Rivers is not Don Rickles?

[1364] No, no, no. I mean, his latest photo, she looks like a cat.

[1365] Oh, okay.

[1366] Like there's a photo of him and her in, like, a green room or something like that.

[1367] And she looks like a Puma.

[1368] Whoa.

[1369] Isn't that weird looking?

[1370] Dude.

[1371] Okay.

[1372] Do you remember the time?

[1373] I like her, too, by the way.

[1374] I still doing it.

[1375] Are you seeing that face, man?

[1376] Pull that picture up, man. 75 years old.

[1377] I went into the green room once at the Brayer Improv, and I just arrived, and me and Joey Diaz smoked weed in the parking lot, blitz -greaked, that initial rush of intoxication where you're really too hot to be talking.

[1378] Words are not going to come to you.

[1379] You're a wash in a wave of feeling and weirdness, and I sit down, I look up, and there's some Joan Rivers reality show, and I'm looking at her things.

[1380] niece, I'm looking at her poor face, and her face is a goddamn mask.

[1381] It's a, it's a, it's not a face.

[1382] Look at that.

[1383] Come on, Joan.

[1384] And she's, and that's when she's not talking.

[1385] But when she's moving, it's all, it's all stuffed out there with like fillers and stuff that keep your skin from looking wrinkly.

[1386] There's a reason they say, you have to stretch your skin out.

[1387] There's a reason in the Judeo -Christian mythology, uh, vanity is one of the seven deadly sins, right?

[1388] It's scary.

[1389] Vanity eats itself.

[1390] It's a snake eating its own tail.

[1391] Pulled that.

[1392] picture up again Brian you're you worshiping false gods you know dove and I were talking about that like what happens to you when you worship false gods when you worship money shiny things when you worship even your own looks but that's crazy some fucking problems that's don rickles is actually a little better looking and a little younger looking in some ways than she is oh well at least it looks natural if she doesn't doesn't offend you when you look at him it looks like don bears his dad yeah well you look at don rickles you're like there's a guy hi hi mister how are you sir but if you look at her you're like oh my god this lady's wearing a mask.

[1393] That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

[1394] She looks like she has a kabuki mask on.

[1395] It looks like an Egyptian drawing.

[1396] You know, like with the nose, how it's like straight.

[1397] The whole thing is so frightening.

[1398] She looks like she's fighting G forces.

[1399] Like she's like literally falling through the air.

[1400] And I mean, and does it make her, you know, happy?

[1401] I don't know.

[1402] I mean, does it, she's obviously working a lot.

[1403] She's happy to be working.

[1404] I don't know.

[1405] She does a lot of jokes about her plastic surgery.

[1406] Yeah, but I think that part, that's one of those people that I think is driven by a hole they can never fill, right?

[1407] God bless her.

[1408] I love her.

[1409] but I think that she's certainly driven by a sense of her own inadequacy in some way.

[1410] I heard a documentary is amazing.

[1411] Yeah, so did I. But, I mean...

[1412] You haven't seen it?

[1413] No, but I want to see it.

[1414] It's on my list.

[1415] No. I heard it was really good, but it just doesn't seem entertaining enough for me. I don't know.

[1416] I'm sure it's good.

[1417] No, I've heard really good things.

[1418] But it's like, I think that's somebody who never came to terms with who she is.

[1419] She never let go of something, right?

[1420] She's still trying to hold on.

[1421] It's actually a form of madness To hold on to your youth Like that is just mad It's actually crazy Well it's also It's another pattern You know, it's a pattern Just like the people that stuff The fucking plates in their lips Yeah There's a crazy pattern of plastic surgery That a lot of women engage in And they start getting nips and tucks Is that her?

[1422] Yeah, look how she used to do it Oh my God, look at her She was great Can you turn it on so we could hear it?

[1423] Yeah, she was great All he has to be is clean and able To pick up the check He's a winner You know that A man could call up anybody in the whole world.

[1424] Do you know that?

[1425] Hello, I saw your name in the locker room.

[1426] I thought I'd give you a quick call.

[1427] Don't me. A girl, a girl can't call.

[1428] Girl, you have to wait for the phone to ring, right?

[1429] And when you finally go on the date, the girl has to be well -dressed.

[1430] The face has to look nice.

[1431] The hair has to be in shape.

[1432] The girl has to be the one that's bright and pretty, intelligent.

[1433] A good sport?

[1434] Howard Johnson's again.

[1435] Hooray, hooray.

[1436] Excuse me. That's actually pretty funny.

[1437] She's great.

[1438] You're 30 years old.

[1439] You're not married.

[1440] You're an old maid.

[1441] A man, he's 90 years old.

[1442] He's not married.

[1443] He's a whole different thing.

[1444] It took guts back then, too.

[1445] Look at that, man. Look at her.

[1446] She's pumping up this shit.

[1447] It kind of has a Sarah Silverman type kind of feel to her.

[1448] Bring him along.

[1449] Bring him along.

[1450] He's 98.

[1451] Bring him.

[1452] Bring him.

[1453] He's dead.

[1454] It's quiet.

[1455] I know what I'm speaking about was my mother had two of us.

[1456] at home that weren't as the expression goes moving and I'm from a little town called Larchmont where if you're not married you're a girl and you're over 21 you're better off dead it's that simple you know and I was the last girl in Larchmont do you know how that feels sitting around my mother's house 21 22 24 having a good time living eating candy bars enjoying myself but single and the neighbors would come over and they'd say to my mother how's Jones still not married her and my mother would say if she were alive you know how that hurts and you're sitting right there some of it's a little dated but some of it's pretty funny she just she was sexy you got to like that Brian she makes you she make you try to get her a podcast if she was today yeah I would love to have her on a podcast no no no no And that's not what I mean.

[1457] I mean, if you saw her back then, would you like, hey, want to do a podcast?

[1458] Oh, yeah, totally.

[1459] You might hear about me on the internet and come on in and do a podcast.

[1460] You would try to hit it?

[1461] Oh, fuck yeah.

[1462] I wouldn't actually.

[1463] I'd never try to date a, yeah.

[1464] The comic?

[1465] Really?

[1466] That's interesting.

[1467] I would think you would...

[1468] I think because I see...

[1469] You have, though, right?

[1470] I see the...

[1471] No, I never, never.

[1472] I see the...

[1473] I mean, look, I love certain comics.

[1474] I like, I love Sierra Tiana.

[1475] She's...

[1476] Anybody who ever dated her would be lucky.

[1477] You know, I know a lot of friends...

[1478] I agree.

[1479] You know, I got a lot of friends like that.

[1480] But, oh.

[1481] But, I mean, a lot of, like, I love Eliza Schlesinger.

[1482] She's my friend.

[1483] I think she's, I just like her.

[1484] I think it's a person.

[1485] It's funny.

[1486] But you wouldn't want to do it.

[1487] No, I don't know about that.

[1488] Those two girls I can see, you know, because they're friends of mine, I can see dating someone like that.

[1489] So I don't want to say I wouldn't date a comic, but I, I'm watching her.

[1490] Yeah, I'm just watching her.

[1491] And I kind of, I see a lot of a need to be, an overwhelming need to be loved.

[1492] And that's, and, and coupled with the fact that that's her first love when she's on stage.

[1493] That's a lot to compete with.

[1494] You know, two comics is tough to make work because you're both coming together like with your own crazy shit.

[1495] Yeah, you know what works with?

[1496] Tom Segura and Christina Posicki?

[1497] They work.

[1498] Tom Segura, by the way, is a great fucking guy.

[1499] He's a fucking awesome guy.

[1500] He's a great...

[1501] I got to know him recently, and we did this mashup, Comedy Central mashup together.

[1502] He's such a fucking nice, supportive dude who's genuine.

[1503] He'll be like, you're fucking hilarious.

[1504] You know, he's just a great...

[1505] Just one of those guys is not competing with you.

[1506] he's not trying to one up he's just genuinely happy for you yeah yeah he's an awesome dude yeah he's a he's a rare gift that guy we we did that whole um maxim comic tour you know with me and hefron and charley murphy we did it in every town they had like a local guy would go up and do like 10 minutes yeah and uh we did it in phoenix and somehow another um sagura was on because he's not really from phoenix but he was in the area or whatever so he went up and i was like holy shit this guy's funny and it's it was uh it was like he was so like his timing and his rhythm were so good.

[1507] I'm like, how the fuck do I not know about this guy?

[1508] Yeah.

[1509] It's one of those weird things.

[1510] Where I was like, it kind of like, kind of weird me out.

[1511] Yeah.

[1512] Like, how come this guy's not famous?

[1513] He kind of lets the audience reach for him.

[1514] You know, it's not, it's not, that's a different thing.

[1515] She's controlling the space and she's going to make you like her no matter what.

[1516] So, Gras just kind of sits up there like, whatever, I'm just going to talk and he's fucking hilarious.

[1517] He's got a big midgette bit though.

[1518] He does?

[1519] Yeah.

[1520] Yeah.

[1521] He asked me about it and I was like, man, really, do midgets need more people shitting on them?

[1522] Yeah.

[1523] You know, I mean?

[1524] Also, because I'm friends with Brad Williams, so I don't like, yeah, I love the guy, so, you know.

[1525] He's so good.

[1526] Or little people, rather.

[1527] Little people.

[1528] You know, I would like to get that.

[1529] Well, there's dwarves, there are midgets.

[1530] Yeah.

[1531] And you're not supposed to ever say midget, apparently.

[1532] You ever see that fucking, the office, the British one where they're like, well, they're dwarves, their midgets, there are sprites, there are elves.

[1533] It's like, are they real?

[1534] Yes, they're real, you idiot.

[1535] They have this debate about, like, all the different small people.

[1536] It's fucking, you can YouTube, but it's really, really funny.

[1537] Have you seen those people that they found that lived 10 ,000 years ago?

[1538] really were tiny people in the island of Flores.

[1539] No. You never seen that?

[1540] The Flores Hobbit Man. Really?

[1541] Oh my God.

[1542] How do you not know about this?

[1543] Brian, pull that shit up so Brian can look at it.

[1544] That's pretty wild.

[1545] Yeah, apparently they lived alongside humans as recently as 10 ,000 years ago.

[1546] They found their bodies.

[1547] Well, it's like pygmies.

[1548] It's like the pygmies of the Congo.

[1549] Something like that.

[1550] Pigemies are very small.

[1551] They were totally different.

[1552] They were a different species of human.

[1553] They had different, you know, their proportions were different.

[1554] I always forget that pygmies exist.

[1555] I know it's weird, but I always forget.

[1556] Like sometimes I'll go, holy shit, pygmies are out there.

[1557] They're fucking pygmies in the deep in the Congo.

[1558] How tall they?

[1559] They're like four feet tall and really muscular.

[1560] So what do you think happened?

[1561] Like there was just like, that was the best way to be?

[1562] Like if you're going to be moving around.

[1563] I think you evolved to your, yeah, you evolved to your circumstances.

[1564] Maybe if there's not a lot of food, the ones that survived were smaller.

[1565] I don't know.

[1566] It's definitely a genetic mutation.

[1567] It's a genetic strain of people.

[1568] They're in their proportioned.

[1569] They're not dwarves.

[1570] They're not midgets.

[1571] Yeah, they're just tiny, small people.

[1572] Have you ever seen the videos of them fishing in the Congo River?

[1573] Oh my God, look at how cute they are.

[1574] Yeah, that's how tall they were.

[1575] That's a depiction of them, but there's some better ones.

[1576] They're actual more technical ones than a dude with a fish over his dick.

[1577] What's up with that?

[1578] That guy were there.

[1579] The ones in the far right?

[1580] Yeah, all of those.

[1581] Wow, fucking, that's weird.

[1582] No, I met the one that was right above that, Brian.

[1583] Yeah, that guy.

[1584] That's what he's supposedly looked like.

[1585] How crazy is it?

[1586] Yeah.

[1587] Yeah, he's much more monkey -like.

[1588] Jesus.

[1589] But it was a type of human being.

[1590] That's incredible.

[1591] Yeah, apparently there were several different types of human beings, not just Neanderthals, not just homo sapiens.

[1592] The real issue, and this is the number one issue.

[1593] That other one is him as well, Brian, the depiction.

[1594] Right, bring up some pygmies.

[1595] Pull up that fake depiction to the second from the left.

[1596] Yeah, that one.

[1597] That's what he supposedly looked like if it was a real person.

[1598] Sexy as fuck.

[1599] If that's a girl, not my type.

[1600] He could be at the helm of like.

[1601] some British band you know some crazy raucous British band you are you ready to walk New Zealand he or they they apparently lived alongside a bunch of other ones that what I was going to say is that what's what's really difficult is that everything that dies doesn't make a fossil so they find fossils but they don't necessarily have a completely accurate record of everything that ever lived and they don't know how many holes are missing it's really difficult to tell.

[1602] Yeah.

[1603] They found, they just found some recent fucking thing, some amateur paleontologists found some recent thing, some seven foot long thing with all these this weird crazy fucking skin.

[1604] They don't know what it was.

[1605] We've never seen this thing before.

[1606] Some new thing that this is the first fossil of it they found.

[1607] We'd just try to figure out what the fuck it is.

[1608] Sure, I'm sure there were life forms that just didn't make it.

[1609] Do you hear about the Titan boa that they just recently found?

[1610] Yes, I did.

[1611] Holy fucking shit, huh?

[1612] How about a boa constrictor that eats crocodiles?

[1613] It's the fucking craziest thing in the world.

[1614] That's a giant serpent.

[1615] 65 foot long animal Confirm size There were dragons, man You know, and that's the thing There's a reason why all those myths exist Because things like the Komodo dragon Which by the way, we'll fucking kill you Hey, how about the fucking Nile Crocodile Yeah, good luck with those 28 feet long Yeah, good luck with a Nile Crocodole Swim for miles out into the ocean Yeah And I talked to a zoologist in Florida about it They're like, oh, oh, Nile Crocodiles We'll eat a tire If you throw a tire at it Sometimes they eat the tire I go, what do you mean?

[1616] They go, they eat everything.

[1617] I said everything.

[1618] He goes, everything.

[1619] Oh, my God.

[1620] They'll grab an elephant by the trunk.

[1621] There's video of it.

[1622] Have you seen the video of these dudes in the Congo that got, not video rather, it was a thing on CNN.

[1623] There were three adventures on kayaks and one of them got killed by a crocodile.

[1624] And they're depicting death on the Nile and they're just depicting this crocodile jacking them.

[1625] Yeah, but here's the thing.

[1626] Here, ready?

[1627] I'm not going on the fucking, I'm not going on the Nile.

[1628] It's like that, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like the thing I do it's like oh the Nile with crocodiles in a fucking kayak nah nah I'll go rock climbing how's that sound in in the in the andies or in the Rockies and I won't even do that or it's like it's like how about the guy the woman who got her face heating by I was thinking about that she gets she gets yeah hands and face heating if you've got a 200 pound chimp just running around the house I'm not fucking coming over yeah I'll Skype with you dude it's a man seven times the upper body strength of a grown man with a three year old's brain that's a bad combination.

[1629] They said the crocodile was pulling the kayak under like a shaking as it was trying to pull the guy out of it because it turned him over.

[1630] Oh my god.

[1631] Grabbed him.

[1632] He's still stuck in the kayak.

[1633] So he's trying to hang on that the crocodile pulled him.

[1634] Oh no no no no no no no just went under the water and they never saw it again.

[1635] Dude I don't want any part of that shit.

[1636] I don't want to die by biting 20 plus feet long.

[1637] I don't want to die by biting.

[1638] It's why I don't go swimming in the fucking Santa Monica Bay because they're great whites all over.

[1639] Yeah.

[1640] They just swim around.

[1641] How's that go do do do do this is a cool video of one that was taken right off the malibu coast by a helicopter saw it so crazy yeah just swimming around i know all about the santa monica bay in great whites thank you i'm old how i'm like saw it i i i know of a couple of deaths and they they haunt me one of them was a guy that was uh in they were training for a triathlon and so they were swimming in the ocean and there was something there was quite a few of them and one guy got bit in half by a great white you know it was right off of san diego And then recently in Santa Barbara, I think last year, a guy got bit in half.

[1642] Yeah, because he was surfing in water.

[1643] He was a bodyboarding, he was bodyboarding.

[1644] And guess what?

[1645] Well, what they found was on that Gio that in the Santa Monica beer at any given time, if I think it's during the fall, there are as many great whites there as anywhere in the world.

[1646] That's where they come to breed.

[1647] So they're all, they're swimming among the pylons, all right?

[1648] Guess who's not going swimming in that water?

[1649] Jesus Christ, that's scary.

[1650] I'm not going in that water.

[1651] If you had to choose one animal to die by, what would it be?

[1652] I would say a big cat because they kill you quick.

[1653] Yeah, because they know where their juggler is.

[1654] Yeah, you would just go out.

[1655] I'd go hamster.

[1656] You go right out.

[1657] It's like being choked.

[1658] You know how bad it would take for hamster to kill you?

[1659] I'd have to tie you down and fill the hamster up with steroids.

[1660] I asked Christa Leo and we're all coming up and Chris Delia goes, ants.

[1661] I go, dude, that would be terrible.

[1662] He goes, I don't care.

[1663] I'm brave.

[1664] and he just walked away out it's like you fucking asshole well you hear about what ants do one of the things they do is they kill elephants they climb up the elephant's leg and they go into his ear and they start eating the elephant from the ear from the inside of their ear this is what you know I have the 10 minute podcast that I do with Will Saso and Chris Delia you guys want to it's called the 10 minute podcast .com and this is the kind of shit we talk about we pick a topic like this and we just fucking talk about it and it's 10 minutes and if we don't finish topic the music's downs and we're fucking done The music starts a minute.

[1665] It's great.

[1666] It's been really fun.

[1667] That's a fun thing to do like on a commute, like to listen to one.

[1668] That's what we, that's why we've been doing well because we get together, Will and I said, let's do a podcast, but let's make it only 10 minutes.

[1669] Like everybody else is, yeah, and so that's what we've been doing.

[1670] I'm calling it 10 minute podcast.

[1671] It's called the 10 minute podcast and you go to 10 minute podcast .com, you can download it.

[1672] Yeah, that's been killing it.

[1673] That's a funny idea.

[1674] Yeah.

[1675] But ants, I think ants are the number one killer of any animal in Africa.

[1676] I believe that's true I don't know I don't know that ants There's more ants I think mosquitoes are From malaria There's more weight per ant Or a commensurate rate As it is human beings Total body mass I believe it That's insane Think about how much bigger A person is than a fucking ant And they weigh If you add it up all the weight Of all the ants And all the weight of all the people It would be basically the same Makes sense Somebody said something interesting About like if you took This is really interesting About they said This biologist was saying if you took all the ants and you killed if you killed all the ants on the planet life on earth would cease to exist in about five years as you know it because ants are such an integral part of the ecosystem for a thousand reasons if you took all the humans and you got rid of them on this earth life would go on even just the ecosystem would be totally intact in five years you know it's just kind of an interesting distinction where how much more important in some ways ants are to life on this planet than humans are now why is that like because Ants are such an integral part of the ecosystem, whereas human beings are actually, in a lot of ways, an intrusion on end of constructures and all kinds of things that require sustainable life.

[1677] Look what we've done to the environment as it stands just by living, this inexorable rise of human flesh pushing and fucking, you know.

[1678] Yeah, but why ants just because they...

[1679] Well, ants are, like a very important part.

[1680] They provide food and erration and all kinds of things.

[1681] I don't know what the, you know, I'm not a biologist, but it was just a kind of a really interesting distinction to think that ants in a lot of ways as a whole are way more important and actually crucial to life on on planet earth whereas human beings if you got rid of every human being life on planet earth would probably carry on really really well you know it's it's just a it's kind of a humbling it's a humbling kind of concept ants killed 30 people per year 30 30 people every year more than weed well bees I'm sure bees bees bees kill a lot more people I'm sure.

[1682] You think so?

[1683] Yeah, people are allergic to bees.

[1684] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[1685] And wasps and things.

[1686] Aren't people allergic to, um...

[1687] We're probably fire ants, right?

[1688] Do you know how they, in Australia?

[1689] You know how they get rid of crocodiles in an area?

[1690] It's really wild.

[1691] They'll just kill a shitload of them in one area.

[1692] And then crocodiles will avoid that area for the next five, ten years.

[1693] Really?

[1694] They can smell the death there.

[1695] They, even if they're in the carcasses removed.

[1696] When they'll shoot a bunch of crocodiles in one area and they'll keep doing that, I don't know for how.

[1697] long and then crocs will not go to that area how many people do you think hippos kill every year that they say kills more people in Africa than any other animal because you get in the way of a hippo in the water and you're fucking done take a guess i don't know but i my guess is all right i'll give you my guess and then we're going to google how many people die by a snake bite in india which is about 20 ,000 from what i heard which is actually an inflated figure because a lot of times when you brain your wife in a village you blame it on a snake um having said that i'm going to say that the number of people in Africa killed by a hippo are upwards of 500.

[1698] 200 annually.

[1699] What?

[1700] That's way more than that.

[1701] What?

[1702] What?

[1703] That's the, that's as many people was killed with 9 -11 practically.

[1704] 2 ,900 people annually in Africa that were fucked up by hippos.

[1705] What?

[1706] They're very aggressive, unpredictable and have no fear of humans.

[1707] People die most often when they get between a Hippo and deep water, or between the mother and her calf.

[1708] That's a bitch to be in the way of.

[1709] They're monstrous.

[1710] They're so huge, and they can run faster than you can, and they'll crush you.

[1711] Yeah, they'll bite you in that.

[1712] They'll chase you down.

[1713] They'll chase you down.

[1714] And they'll bite your head and kill you.

[1715] They'll bite your whole body in half.

[1716] They bite crocodiles in half.

[1717] They're so powerful.

[1718] There's a photo of a guy running in Africa.

[1719] He's running full clip down the street and the hippos chasing him.

[1720] And in that photo, this poor fuck, I don't know what happened to him, but you see in that photo what really is going on.

[1721] You see this monster from a movie.

[1722] It's like from that movie Relic.

[1723] Yeah.

[1724] Remember that movie Relic with Tom Sidesmore?

[1725] This crazy monster comes out.

[1726] Yeah, that's so primal.

[1727] That's what a hippo's like, yeah.

[1728] It's so primal for human beings.

[1729] You know what's being eaten for a human being is actually an instinct.

[1730] With children, when you take an infant and you go, ah, in their face, they'll scream and cry.

[1731] Of course.

[1732] Because that's a primal fear for us.

[1733] It goes back to our genetics, our ancestors.

[1734] And hippos are about as primal as you can get.

[1735] A big, stupid, giant muscle -bound animal.

[1736] That's a rhino.

[1737] It's a rhino, son.

[1738] Oh, is it poop?

[1739] Oh, that's hilarious.

[1740] Oh, that's really funny.

[1741] Wait, can you bring up that picture of the hippo?

[1742] Yeah, see if a man running from a hippo.

[1743] See if you find that.

[1744] That's hilarious.

[1745] Oh, that's Ace Ventura.

[1746] Rino birth.

[1747] Oh, this is so silly.

[1748] Is this the new Ace Ventura or is this the old one?

[1749] Isn't there a new, aren't they going to do a new Ace Ventura?

[1750] I think they're doing a new Ace Ventura?

[1751] I think they're doing a new.

[1752] A new anchorman.

[1753] A new Anchorman, right?

[1754] Yeah.

[1755] What happened to him?

[1756] He kind of got bored of making movies.

[1757] Jim Carrey?

[1758] Yeah.

[1759] Probably just, like, overdosed on pussy.

[1760] Yeah, and money.

[1761] And money.

[1762] Wasn't he banging Jenny McCarthy for the longest time?

[1763] Yeah, that takes a lot of time.

[1764] Yeah, look at that poor guy.

[1765] Oh, my God.

[1766] Jesus Christ.

[1767] Fucking A. There's a couple photos, too.

[1768] It's not just this one.

[1769] There's another one where the thing is actually on the road.

[1770] Could you punch it in the nose?

[1771] Good luck.

[1772] Oh, my God.

[1773] Throw some marbles.

[1774] Look at the size of that.

[1775] They throw some marbles.

[1776] Look at the size of that.

[1777] size of that thing's fucking head look at images yeah the one on the far left brian oh yeah look at that my god poor fuck are you fucking kidding me oh my look at the head on that thing and look at the guy's just in the air he's running so fast he's in the air yeah that would be me right on that would be me that you're well well you know what very people few people have ever had to run for their lives and that's that's you running for your life oh yeah that is legit running for your life the upper left one is terrifying that one right there because it's like he's making the turn look at the eyes on it oh my god it's so close to that poor guy that thing is gonna fucking kill him i hope it didn't look at oh he snuck up on it the stupid fuck he's a gamekeeper look he he was like walking near it and then all of a sudden the thing turned on him oh jesus this is some of the most frightening photos on the internet i'm not doing that shit if i see hip on running it's like when i was down they had they brought a lion on set they brought a line on set they brought a line Guess who was fucking hiding in his dressing room?

[1778] Literally, I was like, yeah.

[1779] You don't know how to control a lion.

[1780] It was a male lion that they modeled the Lion King after, 525 -pound male lion.

[1781] Guess what?

[1782] And all the other actors are like, oh, that's so neat.

[1783] They're like, want to pet it.

[1784] And they're like, oh, yeah, he's fine.

[1785] The trainer, he's got a ponytail and a fucking, you know, a safari outfit on.

[1786] What the fuck are you going to do when Mr. Leone decides, oh, your food?

[1787] Nothing.

[1788] Oh, my God.

[1789] I hid.

[1790] I hid.

[1791] I said a scary fucking animal, dude.

[1792] Oh, my God.

[1793] And the idea that it could just snap at any moment There's a lot of goddamn YouTube videos It's like do you not go on YouTube Do you not see these animals that are being held by the trainers And all of a sudden they just lash out I was in Alaska with my dad What is that picture?

[1794] What is this?

[1795] It's giving birth to something Oh that's a hyena eating something's eating it's ass out That's a hyena eating a hyena eating a hippo's asshole That's what it's doing Have you ever seen the videos of lions eating hippos They just climb on them and start biting them Yeah I also saw the video Where the hippo bit the lion in the head and...

[1796] Crush it, yeah.

[1797] How hungry the lions have to be where they want to eat a hippo.

[1798] Very hungry.

[1799] Tough times, man. Yeah, man, that's not easy life on the Serengeti.

[1800] People complain about Hollywood.

[1801] People complain about having a job.

[1802] Jesus Christ.

[1803] Look at what some life forms have to go through.

[1804] And it's amazing when you look at Africa.

[1805] Africa is always fascinated me because out of all the really places on earth where there's just an overwhelming amount of dangerous monsters, it's Africa.

[1806] I mean, Africa has everything.

[1807] They have Nile crocodiles, they have great white sharks, they have lions, they have hippos, they have hyenas, they have poisonous snakes.

[1808] Austras kick the shit out of you.

[1809] They're a fucking head right away, yeah.

[1810] They're mean cunts too.

[1811] Oh, fuck yeah.

[1812] We had them in a set of fear factor.

[1813] They try to bite you, man. Dude, I was in Indonesia in the rainforest.

[1814] They got wasps with like three abdomens, orange fur, fucking you can see the stingers and they're just hanging out.

[1815] One got caught in my sister's hair.

[1816] And, you know, usually as a brave guy, you'd kill the wasp that's in your sister's hair.

[1817] I fucking ran for the hills.

[1818] I was like my instinct.

[1819] Have you seen this new wasp they discovered that looks like a goddamn science fiction movie?

[1820] No, they scare the fuck out of me, though.

[1821] Brian, pull up, pull up new giant wasp discovered.

[1822] Well, that's what you get in Indonesia.

[1823] I was playing with a snake with a stick, and Baruti Galdykas, a woman, she goes, if that thing bites you, young man, you'll be dead in a half hour, and we're six hours upstream on a boat from the nearest hospital.

[1824] If you Google it, Brian There's a crazy photo of one It's as big as the guy's hand Yeah, I don't want to look at that Yeah, nah, no thanks Yeah, that's got mannable So it bites you and it humstings you And if you go if you go back Brian To do an image search Dude how about the Death Star Scorpion Death Star Scorpion Look at the size of this fucking thing Why is that in the guy's hand Jesus Christ What is he doing with that thing?

[1825] Look at the size of that thing That's a Japanese yellow wasp I think A hornet you mean Yeah, that's a Japanese He's got a horn.

[1826] Have you ever seen the video?

[1827] Yeah, they kill bees.

[1828] They'll kill 30 ,000 bees.

[1829] Yeah, a whole hive will be coming and they just chop up and a half.

[1830] Six of them.

[1831] Six of them will buy, I'll kill 30 ,000 bees.

[1832] Six of them.

[1833] Do you know how they killed them?

[1834] Yep, they surround.

[1835] Oh, who are you talking to?

[1836] Let me finish your sentences.

[1837] You mean when they serve, they cover them and flap their wings and they, and the wasp dies of heat?

[1838] Yeah, you might have told me that.

[1839] Well, because they send a scout in.

[1840] The scout goes flying around and he goes, oh, look, a hive.

[1841] Let me drop some scent here.

[1842] Be right back.

[1843] have a good day and they go back and then they come back with six fucking just murderers it's like it's like all of us hanging out having tea and helicopter gun ships come in and just go and you're like what is that is that you want some more milk with you and you get fucking blown you know what it really would be like is if we were just hanging out and giants came into town and just started eating us biting your head off and throwing your body down and grabbing another one and biting your head off I'm bored with this do you think they were ever giants I don't don't know is that possible i know i want a giant i want a pet giant they're very loyal as long as you don't feed them if you see like movies with giants in them you got to wonder like i wonder what the biggest person ever was well you know andre the giant was 525 pounds and but i mean like giants i mean like 20 feet tall well i don't think anatomically the body can really work but i love this conversation it's my favorite joe look at the screen why can't it work two guys oh my god look at This thing running at the...

[1844] Oh, shit.

[1845] That's fucking scary.

[1846] It hit the Jeep, dude.

[1847] Are they really slowing down?

[1848] That made me scared.

[1849] Why are they shutting the engine off ever?

[1850] Alex, all right?

[1851] You know, it's really horrible to watch somebody.

[1852] It must be terrible.

[1853] Well, with that one with it, it goes after the lion.

[1854] What is that?

[1855] Oh, yeah, that's a water buffalo.

[1856] Did you see the one with the lion?

[1857] Honey Badger and a lion.

[1858] oh yeah look at these lines trying to bring down this hippo oh this is so crazy i love this song this week on hippo attacks and this guy's just sitting there in a fucking truck taking video of it well you know animals a lot of times won't bother you whatever man when david blaine if i can get david blan on this thing ask him to show you his video of him swimming with gray whites what that guy's a strange cat man he has a legit record for like holding your breath right yeah yeah he has a legit record for like holding your breath right yeah yeah He's held his breath on Oprah for 17 minutes.

[1859] How is that possible?

[1860] He talks about it on TED .com.

[1861] There's a great...

[1862] He tried to do it as a trick and realize he couldn't do it.

[1863] And then he said the craziest trick of all is if I really did it.

[1864] And he started training for it.

[1865] And he did a 15 -minute lecture on TED .com about how he broke the world record holding his breath.

[1866] And it's fucking amazing.

[1867] You should watch it.

[1868] Jesus Christ.

[1869] He also caught a bullet in his mouth.

[1870] But!

[1871] Yeah.

[1872] He puts a steel cylinder in his mouth.

[1873] And I said...

[1874] And he had his buddy Bill Kaluja actually shoot because Bill shoots.

[1875] And he just trusted Bill.

[1876] He didn't move, and Bill shot a fucking shot at 22 right into his mouth.

[1877] Do you think it would be possible?

[1878] He's always been obsessed with, like, human suffering and going beyond physical.

[1879] You think it would be possible for him to, like, swallow a oxygen container and then have a tube coming out into his mouth?

[1880] He tried.

[1881] He tried, he tried, he even tried to get surgically, tried to get a breathing tube stuffed down his throat that nobody could see.

[1882] It just didn't work.

[1883] You see him.

[1884] You see him on the operating table.

[1885] Whoa.

[1886] He's pushed his body.

[1887] On the operating table.

[1888] They opened them up and they tried to put a tube in there, and they said, all right, fuck that.

[1889] Go to TED .com, TED