MFM Minisode 374

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[2] The minisode.

[3] That's right.

[4] We read you your stories.

[5] You listen to them.

[6] You watch them if you're in the fan cult on video.

[7] Amazing video.

[8] George and I with outfits on, makeup on, hair done.

[9] Earrings.

[10] You have earrings on.

[11] I do.

[12] Small hoops.

[13] I have my French press nails.

[14] You don't?

[15] No, I don't.

[16] You tricked us.

[17] French press.

[18] I combined a press on nails and French tip nails.

[19] I've created a new thing.

[20] French press, which is coffee as well.

[21] I have coffee stains on my fingernails.

[22] That is real.

[23] Okay.

[24] Classic hometown, attempted break in and learning to fuck politeness.

[25] Dear MFM crew and murderinos, a bump in the night just set off my dog right as I was trying to go to bed while my roommate is out of town and it reminded me of this story, which I've now been composing to you in my head for the last hour in the dark.

[26] So here goes.

[27] I fucking know that feeling.

[28] You're like, you might as well just get up and do it.

[29] You're never falling asleep like this.

[30] But that feeling when you hear a bump in the night and your dog starts barking.

[31] And you're alone.

[32] And then you're like, what do I do?

[33] Go check on it.

[34] Like, what am I supposed to do at this point?

[35] I mean, that's my cameras all over your house.

[36] When I was about 12, I spent the night at a friend's house.

[37] Both her parents had to work the next morning.

[38] So we were left alone to watch TV until my mom came to get me. Around mid -morning, there's a knock at the door.

[39] We both get up to look, her through the peephole, and me through the side window right next to the door.

[40] We see a scraggly older man wearing work coveralls with a blank name patch and no company logo.

[41] Red fucking flag.

[42] Holding a cracked bucket full of a miscellaneous assortment of tools.

[43] An unmarked white van is parked at the curb.

[44] And if it says in retrospect, that's like, what, 37 red flags?

[45] Yeah.

[46] But unfortunately, I make eye contact with this man. since I'm peeking through the side window and my misguided politeness instincts kick in.

[47] Aren't you going to open the door, I ask?

[48] Feeling guilty for ignoring him when he has clearly seen me. Are you crazy?

[49] My parents didn't tell me to expect anyone.

[50] My friend rightfully answers.

[51] That said, we go back to watching TV still in sight of the front door.

[52] A moment later, the doorknob slowly turns.

[53] My friend and I freeze and look at each other.

[54] The nod turns again and again, as we watch this man very obviously try to get into the house in broad daylight, we bargain with ourselves that we'll call the police if he tries to go around to another door.

[55] That's the threshold.

[56] Did they say how old they were?

[57] They were 12, around 12.

[58] See, again.

[59] Decision making skills.

[60] Not in this hideous situation.

[61] Fortunately, he didn't.

[62] And after several long moments, both he and the van disappeared.

[63] Naturally, we continued our show.

[64] My mom came to picking up a little while later, and as we're driving home, I tell her about this, quote, totally weird, random thing that happened.

[65] To which she responded by shouting, and you left her alone.

[66] Oh, no. And basically pulled a U -turn on the highway.

[67] Thank God.

[68] We filed the police report.

[69] My friend spent the rest of the day safely at my house until her parents got off work, and nothing more came of it.

[70] Over the following 20 years, I have mostly thought back on this story.

[71] with a self -deprecating laugh about my naivety and our inexplicable reluctance to call the police on a man who was most likely just looking for an easy opportunity to rob a house.

[72] But every once in a while, like when there are weird noises at night while I'm home alone, I think about how he realized that there was at least one young girl inside that house and decided to see if the door would open.

[73] Because remember, they fucking saw each other.

[74] Yep.

[75] And he still went for it.

[76] Yeah, yep.

[77] Stay sexy and don't leave your friends home alone after an attempted break -in, even in the daylight, cat.

[78] Kat, wasn't your friend scared?

[79] Like, if I was the friend and the mom pulled up, I'd be like, yeah, I'm at your house tonight.

[80] Yeah.

[81] Thank God the mom, like, had, you know, not 12 -year -old brain.

[82] Yeah, exactly.

[83] Oh, my God.

[84] Jesus.

[85] So stressful.

[86] Yeah.

[87] The second you said the tools were in a bucket, I was just like, nope.

[88] No. It reminded me of the Boston Strangler, like him.

[89] I'm saying, I'm here to fix your landlord call me to fix this and that.

[90] Yep.

[91] You know.

[92] And also the kind of like wearing that suit, that jumpsuit is the jumpsuit normally worn by men who take care of business, fix things, help you.

[93] There's something to it that's like stolen valor where it's like, oh, you're not actually a handyman or a mechanic.

[94] You're a criminal.

[95] Yeah.

[96] Terrifying.

[97] So scary.

[98] Okay.

[99] This is funny.

[100] The subject line is badass.

[101] big sister story.

[102] And it starts forwarding this email again, because I think it's a good one.

[103] On a now long past episode about the rescue of baby Jessica, that is an old one, Karen mentioned the time Shannon Doherty smiled at her sister and her reaction was to go bullshit, because that's what sisters do.

[104] It reminded me of a version of that moment I once had with my sister, only mine involves the dangers of swimming in the ocean at a young age.

[105] Let's get to it.

[106] Every year my parents took us on a week -long vacation to Southern California from our home in San Francisco.

[107] We'd go to Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm, Griffith Observatory, etc. But we were all really there because we love the beach.

[108] My two siblings and I did swim team and spent most of our free time in various bodies of water anyways, so we were all very good swimmers, and my dad had us thoroughly trained on riptides and what to do if we were caught in them.

[109] We recognized it was dangerous, but we love swimming in the ocean.

[110] I think I was around eight or nine, so my sister asked, Ashley was probably 10 or 11, sister Ashley, right there.

[111] And we were out together catching waves on our boogie boards.

[112] My parents were sunbathing on our blanket, oblivious to the trauma I was about to endure.

[113] I was facing the beach.

[114] My back turned to the waves behind me and I was ready to catch a wave.

[115] My sister had just caught one, so she was paddling back out to me, her back to the beach and her face looking out at the open ocean.

[116] Suddenly she says to me, perfectly serious, Shelby, don't freak out, but there is a shark right behind you.

[117] Bullshit.

[118] Of course, I assumed it was the type of prank that a terrible older sister would pull.

[119] I looked behind me not convinced by the obviously fake fear in her voice.

[120] As I looked, a wave came up blocking my view of the waters behind.

[121] I didn't see anything.

[122] Clearly, this was a prank.

[123] I'm serious, look behind you.

[124] She practically screamed that time, and now I was getting sick of her and this not funny at all joke.

[125] You're so full of it and you're not going to scare me that easily, I said defiantly, and turned around again to prove her wrong.

[126] This time, clear as day, there was a huge black dorsal fin jutting out of the water less than 10 yards away.

[127] Oh my God.

[128] She hadn't been kidding.

[129] I didn't scream.

[130] I couldn't.

[131] Never in my life before or since have I been so frozen solid with fear.

[132] I couldn't move a muscle in my body.

[133] As soon as I saw the fin, it sank in for both of us the amount of trouble we were in.

[134] My sister, who is now one of my best friends in the entire world, has many admirable qualities.

[135] Uh -oh, but what's not one of them?

[136] Yeah, I love that.

[137] And one of those is her determination to survive.

[138] Really up siding it for us.

[139] I love it.

[140] Ashley, when my instincts kicked in, they froze me solid, terrible fucking instincts.

[141] How am I alive?

[142] But when her fear kicked in, she jumped immediately into action.

[143] She started swimming with all her might to shore, leaving me out there alone and unable.

[144] to move.

[145] All I could do was scream at her to come back and help me. I could see people on the beach starting to point at the water, which confirmed to me that, yes, this was actually happening.

[146] I can't begin to tell you how afraid I was.

[147] My sister, realizing that she had left me behind, turned around, came back out to me, and used her strength and adrenaline to pull us both safely back to shore.

[148] At the time, I was just glad to be uneaten, and it didn't really hit me until later what an absolute badass she was.

[149] We ran up to the beach, to my mom.

[150] Both of us panicked and shaking.

[151] And to our surprise, she was calm and happy.

[152] She pointed out of the water we had just escaped from and said excitedly, oh, did you see those dolphins out there?

[153] They were swimming really close.

[154] It hadn't been a shark at all.

[155] It had just been a small pot of very cute dolphins.

[156] Oh, no. You could have had the best day ever.

[157] They could have experienced dolphin magic.

[158] And also, you know that pot of.

[159] dolphins is like, look at these two cute little girls.

[160] We're going to go interact with them.

[161] Oh, my God.

[162] So then she says, usually I was excited to see them, but this had been way too close a call for me to really care.

[163] My mom laughed when we told her about our ordeal.

[164] This isn't really a murder story, but I had to share it because I was convinced that it was going to be the end of me. We are 30 and 32 now, and we both still love to swim in the ocean as much as we can.

[165] But I do it now, at least partially to manage the lingering anxiety that this incident left.

[166] I love my sister.

[167] She is still such a badass.

[168] And she's the one who introduced me to your podcast as we are both murderinos to the core.

[169] Stay sexy and don't get eaten by sharks.

[170] Lots of love for you all.

[171] Shelby, my favorite name, Shelby.

[172] Shelby.

[173] Okay, this has just brought this new thing to me, which is how do we let children just go in the ocean by themselves?

[174] When I was a kid, it was like mom's sleeping on the sand, leave her alone, five years old, just going into the fucking old.

[175] Like, I've almost drowned so many times.

[176] And then I would never, like, if my nephews went in the fucking ocean, I would keep my eye on them the entire fucking time.

[177] I wouldn't take a nap or, like, read fucking people magazine.

[178] For real, we used to go in the ocean in northern California, which literally is only riptides and great white sharks.

[179] Those are real great white sharks.

[180] That's where they hang out.

[181] And we would go in there.

[182] I mean, I think I've told you this, but one of my earliest memories is me standing, we weren't in the water because it was usually way too cold.

[183] That was the one thing that kept you out of it, which was good.

[184] But standing on the beach and standing there looking at my dad as he's screaming, he's wearing like a Gilligan's island, a Gilligan hat.

[185] And he's yelling, never turned her back on the sea.

[186] Like at the top of his lungs at me where I'm just like, why didn't you say it in the car?

[187] Why didn't you say it at home?

[188] Like, now I'm doing it and it's where it's high risk.

[189] Like, you assumed I knew this and I'm six years old.

[190] God, damn it.

[191] Send us your stories of when you shouldn't have been allowed on the fucking ocean.

[192] I mean, what the fuck?

[193] Oh, my God.

[194] Young people in the ocean.

[195] Don't do it.

[196] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[197] Absolutely.

[198] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[199] Exactly.

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[212] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

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[214] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[215] Goodbye.

[216] Okay.

[217] Australian ghost story.

[218] Ooh.

[219] Here's my ghost story all the way from Australia.

[220] I was renting a tiny, 100 -year -old terrace house, one of three in a row, all exactly the same in a suburb called Paddington in Sydney.

[221] As soon as I moved in, I started having the same dream slash nightmare every night.

[222] Three or four babies in the corners of my bedroom ceiling, waving and slapping their hands at something and screaming.

[223] No. Nope, it's enough.

[224] Waking up and crying in a cold sweat, numerous nights and mornings, I decided to ask my friend, who's involved with the Paddington Society, I'm guessing that's Paddington history, if he knew the history of the house.

[225] My friend did some research and got back to me with some startling news.

[226] Across the road for my little house was a hideous 1960s apartment building that was previously a hospital for unwed mothers, and those three cottages were used for the quarantine of babies with diseases who were deemed terminal.

[227] So screaming, dying babies.

[228] I know.

[229] I'm not religious, but I invited everybody I knew to my housewarming slash blessings slash exorcism to bring sage to burn, Buddhist bells to ring, and crucifixes to wave, you name it.

[230] I even convinced the local angelican priest to pop by with his holy water to quiet those poor baby's spirits.

[231] And so the dream stopped to my great relief, but a few months later, I started to hear scratching in the ceiling when I was totally awake.

[232] Like during the day, I called the landlord and a fixit man came by.

[233] after listening intently with his ear to the wall, he declared white ants.

[234] Thank God.

[235] What?

[236] What?

[237] Yeah, white ants.

[238] What are white ants?

[239] Ask Australia.

[240] You know they're like Oh.

[241] Poisonous fucking gnarly ass shit.

[242] But it says still not religious, but I was about to call the Vatican.

[243] Are you looking at them out?

[244] Sorry I had to.

[245] It's like I look at what of the, what does it say?

[246] Yeah, it's just a fucking ant that's white and it's so creepy.

[247] Oh, oh.

[248] They are fucking termites.

[249] Oh, okay.

[250] They're termites.

[251] That makes sense.

[252] For some reason, that's way less scary.

[253] Yes, for sure.

[254] Still terrible, but that's the scratching he heard.

[255] So he got his ladder and moved a panel of the ceiling to look in and said, what do we have here?

[256] Stored in my ceiling and only above my bedroom were 1800s babies cast iron cots and beautiful, vintage, ornate frames of children's hospital beds.

[257] Oh.

[258] He asked me if I wanted them.

[259] Otherwise, you'd get a pretty penny for them at a secondhand market.

[260] I told him this whole ghost story, and he vowed he would take them to the tip, which I'm guessing is the dump, and make sure they were buried.

[261] I really hope he did that.

[262] Stay sexy, love your work, and burn sage at every housewarming, just to be sure, love Sammy, she, her.

[263] Whoa.

[264] Scary.

[265] That's like a truly disturbing ghost story.

[266] Yeah.

[267] Like, you never know what happened in your house.

[268] God damn.

[269] I know.

[270] has there been like a horror movie that's like a baby ghost is coming at you definitely right there's gotta have been there must be not like chucky not like chucky there has to have been a bait yeah well remember the scene in train spotting with the baby oh god yeah terrifying yeah horrible well let's change the vibe right now yeah can we with a colin feral story great hello friends i'm not funny so i'll just move forward I can't tell you how many times I've said that to myself in my life Okay, it says I was just listening to Minnesota 346 and I heard you talk about meeting Colin Farrell We didn't meet Colin Farrell, did we?

[271] That was somebody else probably Oh, that was the one where he helped the person clean up the cafe that was all fucked up Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[272] Oh, and then we asked for Colin Farrell stories.

[273] I saw him in a new Mommy Burger once, but that's it.

[274] How far away?

[275] It was not that far, but we were like during the day so we were literally like only two tables in the restaurant and he had like this like bandana pushing his hair back.

[276] It just looked Yeah, looked great.

[277] That's kind of his workout look.

[278] He likes to wear that.

[279] Or like the girls kind of volleyball headband where it's two very thin pieces of elastic.

[280] That's what he was wearing when I saw him at the arc light.

[281] Right.

[282] Okay, anyway, this is not about us.

[283] This is not a tell -all.

[284] Okay.

[285] When I was 19 years old, I worked at the happiest place on earth.

[286] And then in all caps, that says not ha ha.

[287] Yes, bring that back.

[288] Not.

[289] Anyways, I used to work at a popcorn cart, and we are trained to treat the celebrities like any other person, even if they're with a handler.

[290] Well, I was lucky enough to help that beautiful Irish accent man, and he ordered a popcorn bucket.

[291] But unfortunately, I was out of lids and was waiting for a co -worker to bring me some.

[292] So I let him know, and he said, no problem, darling.

[293] I guess I'll have to come back and see in a little bit.

[294] I'm sorry, it was a terrible, terrible, I was like that.

[295] And he took his popcorn and he left.

[296] He did come back about 30 minutes later for the lid and was nice enough to sneak a quick picture with me and no one was the wiser.

[297] I talked about that day for a very long time.

[298] He seemed like a nice down to earth and polite person.

[299] It made my whole year.

[300] Well, that's my story.

[301] Have an amazing day.

[302] Trina, cheer.

[303] Yeah, we need, you just need constant proof that he's a good guy.

[304] Like, that's all we need.

[305] I think it's out there, but it is fun.

[306] I mean, any celebrity story is kind of fun.

[307] But I feel like the Colin Farrell's citing really is, like, thematically accurate to what we're looking for because it's just that thing of like, oh, I met someone then they weren't an asshole.

[308] Right, right.

[309] They were a normal person, even though, like, they're not clearly.

[310] They're not at all.

[311] Okay, here's my last one.

[312] The title is part dad lore, part trash dad, part something you never asked for, all.

[313] caps pick me pick me please pick me exclamation mark exclamation mark exclamation mark hi besties it says i have no business saying besties i'm almost 40 you asked for dad lore you asked for trash dad you like goofy stories from the 80s this has it all my dad ray is your classic blue collar bud light drinking and then it says always in forever kid rock be damned mustache toting american father he can hang sheet rock he can fix your car he can do the dishes and put away the laundry.

[314] He is my best friend and hero, and probably the reason I'm still single because what other man could possibly live up to these standards, get real.

[315] I grew up in St. Louis, and every weekend when I was young, was spent on an island on the Mississippi River with family friends.

[316] We boated, skied, camped, barbecued.

[317] Adults drank copious amounts of beer while the kids caught toads on the bank, swam off the dock and swung on the tire swing.

[318] At night, we roasted marshmallows, while one of the moms told us scary stories, mostly about a crooked Girl Scout who murdered other girls by stabbing them in the back with a golf shoe.

[319] What the fuck?

[320] That's not true.

[321] It didn't happen.

[322] We would have heard about that one.

[323] Yeah, that's right.

[324] During the day, the big kids would scare us littles by telling us that Freddie Kruger lived under the dock, but nothing scared us more than Greasy Pete.

[325] Greasy Pete, according to legend, aka my dad, lived on the island and hid deep in the cat tails on the other side of the slough, basically a swamp.

[326] He watched us all day long and would come out only at night to feast on the scraps of our cookouts.

[327] We would wake up many mornings to a mess, food wrappers, beer cans, etc. That would be attributed to Greasy Pete.

[328] My dad warned us constantly not to stray far from our campsite lest we wandered too close to Greasy Pete's hideout and we lived in fear that he would snatch us up.

[329] But time we're on, my parents divorced and then.

[330] the early 90s, they all did.

[331] All the parents divorced in the 90s.

[332] No, mine.

[333] And less and less time was spent out on the island.

[334] However, I always thought about Gracie Pete, whatever came of him after all.

[335] Ladies, I'm ashamed to admit that I was well into my 20s before it dawned on me that my dad completely made him up as a way to keep us kiddos from wandering too far from the campsite.

[336] You got instill some fear, just a little fear in those children.

[337] And to cover their garbage with the parents would get drunk the night before, right?

[338] Exactly.

[339] The mess every morning?

[340] Raccoons, obviously.

[341] Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[342] And our parents being too drunk to clean up after themselves before crashing into the tents.

[343] How could I be so foolish for so long?

[344] Willful ignorance, I suppose.

[345] Anyway, I still think back to those days as some of the best in my life, truly best life living for kids and adults alike.

[346] An ice -cold by light on a boat on a sunny day is the definition of pure happiness in this family.

[347] And we still enjoy that lifestyle.

[348] to this day as often as possible.

[349] I've been listening to MFM since the summer of 2016, so not a day one listener, but pretty fucking close to it.

[350] Shout out to my murderina sister -in -law who introduced me to the pod.

[351] You have kept me company on bike rides, car rides.

[352] It says I essentially work from my car.

[353] You get a lot of airtime.

[354] Hey.

[355] In the shower, you name it.

[356] Thank you for being you.

[357] Stay sexy.

[358] And don't get murdered by Gracie Pete.

[359] Goodbye.

[360] No name.

[361] Greasy Pete.

[362] It's the best name.

[363] Crazy Pete.

[364] Dad, that's such a dad thing.

[365] It's so good.

[366] And it's also, like, he's watching you from over there is genius.

[367] It's genius.

[368] Totally genius.

[369] My dad's story, that he always, scary story, was about a giant eyeball.

[370] It, like, went on these adventures.

[371] So just, like, a giant.

[372] I don't know where, like, it's the same as a greasy Pete.

[373] Like, where did you fucking come up with a giant eyeball as a character?

[374] Okay, dad.

[375] And that was, like, around the campfire when you guys would go camping or whatever.

[376] Dad, tell us a story about the giant.

[377] Okay, what's your last one?

[378] Okay, here's my last one.

[379] The subject line is Hot Dog Musings.

[380] Yay.

[381] And then it says, Hi, I'm here to join the Hot Dog Conversation.

[382] What is this podcast?

[383] I don't know.

[384] People listen to it.

[385] We get paid to do it.

[386] I mean, what a joy.

[387] It's a blessing.

[388] It's a joy and a blessing.

[389] It really is a true blessing.

[390] Truly.

[391] So it says, I love a classic Costco hot dog as much as like, like, right into the hot dog conversation.

[392] There's nothing else.

[393] I love it.

[394] I love a classic Costco hot dog as much as the next person, but today I'd like to tell you about the wildest hot dog concoction I ever had at an amusement park.

[395] It's 2014.

[396] I'm at six flags with my little brother.

[397] I was 24 and he was 17.

[398] We both love a good hot dog.

[399] Side note, I have vivid childhood memories of him coming home from elementary school and eating two hot dogs for a quote unquote snack every day.

[400] My brother did that shit?

[401] The one with a cheese on the inside, too.

[402] Oh, my God.

[403] It says sometimes he used to gnaw around the outside and eat the skin layer first.

[404] So he was left with the juiciest inside bite for last.

[405] And then it says, somehow despite this, he's become a lovely young man. So it says, anyways, back to six flags.

[406] We encounter a hot dog stand that had, picture it.

[407] a naked hot dog on a stick, dipped in funnel cake batter and fried.

[408] Oh.

[409] Then the whole thing is wrapped in bacon and dusted with powdered sugar with a maple syrup glaze.

[410] Oh, my heart attack.

[411] For real.

[412] Behold the maple bacon funnel cake dog.

[413] Obviously, we shared one.

[414] It was just as glorious as you can imagine, and we still reminisce about it fondly.

[415] Oh, my God, I love that.

[416] And then it says, one last, hot dog thing to say.

[417] My sister's mother -in -laws made a name was Frank.

[418] When she was growing up, all the kids called her the hot dog queen.

[419] Maybe this makes Karen's Frank, the hot dog king.

[420] Love you both very much.

[421] Stay sexy and be a hot dog queen.

[422] Oh my God.

[423] Did you ever feed Frank a hot dog dog?

[424] Oh, absolutely.

[425] There's been times that I have, of course, not noticed that I'm out of dog food.

[426] Then I make Frank, I'm like, oh, you're so lucky you get to have people food.

[427] And then I make him.

[428] Yeah, leftover.

[429] An insane concoction.

[430] For his birthday.

[431] Yes.

[432] If we fed a bite of hot dog to cookie, it would be fucking World War III.

[433] Our hot dog guy at Costco is the sweetest man. And we took cookie there once.

[434] Vincent, I got hot dogs.

[435] And the guy said, look, my daughter said that I can only have this hot dog cart if I promise that every dog I meet gets a free hot dog.

[436] Can I give your dog a hot dog?

[437] It was so cute.

[438] It had to be like, no, dude.

[439] I'm sorry like it was it was so it felt so wrong but like our dog is not frank yeah not handle that's that's right that's sweet oh my god so sweet you should have been like yes absolutely here we'll just take this and then you guys eat it that's true we could have got damn it we could have got a free hot dog send us your stories whatever they may be yeah tell us how you swindle hot dogs out of people who are just trying to be nice that's right or trash dad stories or camping stories or anything you'd like to tell us about.

[440] Made up parent stories to scare you.

[441] Yeah.

[442] Yeah.

[443] We want those.

[444] No, don't, you don't make them up.

[445] It's things your parents made up to scare you.

[446] Exactly.

[447] My favorite murder at Gmail.

[448] Stay sexy.

[449] And don't get murdered.

[450] Give -A.

[451] Elvis, do you want a cookie?

[452] This has been an exactly right production.

[453] Our senior producer is Alejandra Keck.

[454] Our editor is Aristotle Acevedo.

[455] This episode was mixed by Lianna Squalachi.

[456] Email your hometown.

[457] to my favorite murder at gmail .com and follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at My Favorite Murder and on Twitter at MyFave Murder.

[458] Goodbye.