When Kids Resist & Whine—Stop Trying to Make Everything Better

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[24] Isn't it irritating?

[25] When you revolve your life around your kids and you try to do all kinds of fun things with them and they resist you or you just ask them to do simple things and they don't want to do it or you need to take them someplace and they just won't go and it devolves into this whole argument you lecturing and trying to convince them and pleading and they're whining and complaining that's not what you signed up for as a parent but it's part of your everyday life and so it's frustrating and i know back in the day when we had kids at our home we'd have these camps where we'd have 8, 10, 15 strong -willed kids at our home, and I wanted them to get outside all the time.

[26] It was one of my key things.

[27] We got outside a lot.

[28] They always whined and complain.

[29] Look, there were times where I was like, we're going to go to the pole, and they were like, I want to go to the pool.

[30] I was like, how can you not want to go to the pool?

[31] And so what I learned very quickly was how to lead them and how to stop reacting to their whining and complaining and leading them.

[32] And so I want to show you how to do, do that on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[33] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[34] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[35] If you need to help, talk to our strong -willed son, who liked to resist and complain and didn't want to do much of anything either, but he will help you because that's how your kids are made, aren't they?

[36] They won't do anything for you, but they like helping other people.

[37] He's awesome.

[38] His name's Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[39] Tell us about your family.

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[41] Because people are like, well, I wasn't sure if I should really email it though it's going to be like some form thing I was like we're not a form we're humans we're people we're we're a family and we will read what you send us and we will take it to heart and we bounce ideas off of between ourselves as a family and we'll email you back with some ideas and if you need our resources we can put together a custom package within your budget although this month you're not going to need that because we're doing the Christmas in July sale why because the middle of the summer I really like Christmas.

[42] And so having it twice a year, pretty awesome.

[43] So we put together everything we've done.

[44] We put together a comp parenting package for, it's like our Christmas and July sale.

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[46] And it's worth the investment anyway.

[47] Because when you invest in something, that's when you're ready to change and break some of these generational cycles.

[48] And that's why I'm excited about this podcast, because I've already recorded like three times, but I didn't like the previous ones that I recorded.

[49] So I just, because when I'm talking, I start to realize things and I get insights.

[50] into different things that are like, oh, let's talk about that.

[51] And so I want to free you.

[52] Let me lay this out thematically.

[53] I want you to free you from trying to fix everything for your kids, from trying to make everything better, from trying to make them happy.

[54] And this happens.

[55] It's all tied together.

[56] So you've got a child who resists or complains.

[57] I was doing a phone consultation with this family, awesome family.

[58] And I always dig in and like, tell me about your child.

[59] And so like, well, he's witty.

[60] and I was like, oh, hold on there.

[61] Tell me about that.

[62] They're witty.

[63] And when I hear that a child is witty, what it usually tells me is they're very insightful, that they're usually observers of people.

[64] And the reason that they're funny and witty with a very intelligent humor, even if it's inappropriate, is because they see patterns in people and they watch.

[65] And that's why it's funny.

[66] And so they notice patterns.

[67] And so it's also they notice patterns in you.

[68] and they know how to manipulate you at times by just being difficult.

[69] And parents will say, like, I don't know why they need to be so difficult.

[70] And my point is, well, why are you an adult who lets yourself be manipulated by a child?

[71] I know, but my child shouldn't do that.

[72] I was like, I know, but they're a child.

[73] You're a grown adult.

[74] And if you're allowing yourself to be manipulated by a child, well, that says more about you than their child.

[75] And you know, I don't do any guilt or blame.

[76] It happens to all of us.

[77] But we need to realize, right, rather than like complaining about our kids all the time, we need to change.

[78] Because there's only one person in life that you can control, and that's yourself.

[79] And the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control yourself and you will notice as I promise you as you get older.

[80] The quickest way to change anything and anyone in life is for me to just own my own stuff and begin to change.

[81] And when I do that, I begin to lead people instead of trying to control and fix things.

[82] them and manipulate them all the time.

[83] So what's what we're going to do.

[84] I want to break these patterns here.

[85] So you know your kids who are really good at doing that, witty kids are often really good at building things, manipulating things, tinkering with things in their hands.

[86] And what they're doing also is they're tinkering with your brain all the time.

[87] So number one thing.

[88] I want two things I want you to do and encourage you to do this week.

[89] Number one is reset your expectations.

[90] I want you this week to expect pushback.

[91] Expect it.

[92] Stop being so shocked.

[93] I can't believe that he wouldn't do.

[94] Why?

[95] The last 432 times you asked your child to do something, they resist it.

[96] What makes you think that that's going to change?

[97] They came out of the womb, resisting you.

[98] Stop acting so shocked.

[99] Now I know for some of you it's hard because you're a rule follower and you're a naturally compliant person and so you just don't get it.

[100] But throughout human history, you will see that humans have pushed back and resist other people telling them what to do.

[101] And I have a challenge for you.

[102] Think about this.

[103] Here's a little thought experiment.

[104] You do it every day in this sense.

[105] You don't always go to the gym when you should.

[106] You don't always go to your yoga class or your Bible study or to the grocery store to get fresh grocery so you to make dinner for your family instead of spending too much money and buying unhealthy stuff out.

[107] You don't always do that, but you don't whine and complain about it.

[108] Why?

[109] Because nobody's making you do it.

[110] Because you get to make the decision.

[111] But what if I showed up your home and I'm like, hey, you need to go to the gym?

[112] You need to get to the gym.

[113] Well, you know what?

[114] I'm kind of tired and my legs sore and I've got a lot to do and I didn't sleep well.

[115] See, you would resist too.

[116] And so our kids do that.

[117] So expect the pushback.

[118] I'm not actually you to like it, but expect it.

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[132] I ignore initial bluster.

[133] If you listen to the Defiance to Disrespect CDs, we'll show you how to stop the disrespect and defiance, but a lot of that is not actual defiance.

[134] It is sometimes it's anxiety, and a lot of times it's frustration, which causes kids to resist and shut down.

[135] That's for a different podcast.

[136] But I ignore the initial bluster.

[137] And here's initial bluster.

[138] You tell your child to do something.

[139] Here's what you're going to get.

[140] I don't want to do it.

[141] Do we have to do it right now?

[142] That's stupid.

[143] Why don't you do it for me?

[144] Right.

[145] Do not react to that.

[146] Let's stop reacting to that.

[147] Because your child already knows the cycle.

[148] You ask him to do something.

[149] He resists.

[150] Then you start to amp it up.

[151] And you start talking, well, when I was a kid, kid, and after all I do for you, and all these different explanations, and he knows that it's irritating you.

[152] And it becomes this vicious little cycle, and it creates a lot of drama, and you play a part in that.

[153] And there's no blame or guilt.

[154] If you play a part, it means that if you play your role differently, you can change the outcome.

[155] You can change that.

[156] So this week, I'm just going to expect it.

[157] And I don't expect my child to enjoy going or like going.

[158] And I don't need them to.

[159] Because watch the second thing that we do.

[160] I want you to begin leading your child expressing confidence rather than explaining, convincing, and pleading.

[161] I want you to lead, not plead.

[162] So, explain, what do we do?

[163] We explain things.

[164] Like if I, we do the thing, oh, honey, you know, it's really important that you learn how to, or we try to convince, oh, it's going to be so much fun.

[165] You're going to have such a good time.

[166] I just know you are.

[167] or we plead with them because I paid a lot of money for that class and I really need you to participate.

[168] Look, if I were to come to your house and you don't want to go to the gym, I would explain, you know, it's really important that you begin learning to build some muscle mass and that you work on your core because when you get older, you get tighter and we don't want you to hurt your back.

[169] And I'll try to convince you about how great it's going to feel for your body after you get done working out because it's going to release endorphins.

[170] or I'll plead with you about why you really need to go because I really care about you and it's important that would be annoying to you so instead I express the confidence and I lead and my tone of voice instead of trying to convince them and explain to them and being irritated that they're resisting me I just move ahead and I normalize it of course of course you don't want to go look try that this week sometime right in one of the situations Right?

[171] Have fun with it.

[172] Because it's true.

[173] Of course you don't want to go.

[174] What eight -year -old boy, 15 -year -old girl wants to go to the grocery store with their mom?

[175] Right?

[176] Like, normalize it.

[177] Of course you don't want to go.

[178] But you're going to go.

[179] And you're going to go to this extracurricular.

[180] I believe you're capable of doing it.

[181] And I believe that you're actually going to be really good at that.

[182] See, the tone of voice changes.

[183] Instead of me needing you to do it and I can't believe that you're resisting me at camp I would just lead the kids and I would take them outside every day and I knew they were going to complain and the key was I didn't turn around and try to convince explain or plead with them to go I just kept walking and I would express my confidence that I know you guys I know you guys are capable of doing this long walk I know you don't want to it's hot out skin's itchy there's bugs out it's all sunny or it's rainy or whatever it is I you're not happy and you don't want to do it, here's what we're doing, and I'm leading.

[184] Hey, expect you to be in the car in the next seven minutes.

[185] I can add tools to it, but for the sake of this podcast, I'm not going to, because I want you to practice this tone of voice of saying, yeah, I know, I know you don't want to go.

[186] And I'm okay with the fact that you don't want to go.

[187] And I'm even okay with you being mad at me and complaining and whining about it, because I know you don't want to go to church on Sunday morning because it's the only morning of the week that you get to sleep in.

[188] And we're just going.

[189] so I expect you to be up.

[190] And if you want to complain the whole way to church, I'm okay with that too.

[191] I don't need you to have a good attitude.

[192] See, this tone of voice and this tone and this attitude helps you stop being responsible for your child's happiness, for their moods, for their attitude, because that is a big, big trigger for you.

[193] And we stop, look, when you explain and convince things to a strong -will child, that creates pushback.

[194] they will 100 % of the time respond to you with an even better and more convincing explanation of why you're wrong or why they're right or why they don't want to do it.

[195] It never ends with them saying, mom, dad, you know what, I didn't really want to go, but after you lectured me for 15 minutes and gave me so many logical reasons to do it, all of a sudden the light bulb went off and now I'm motivated and I realized.

[196] and appreciate your wisdom.

[197] That's never going to happen.

[198] You create pushback because they can hear your lack of confidence and conviction.

[199] They can hear your indecision, and they know it's bothering you.

[200] So I want you to lead them instead of that, and here's what we're getting to.

[201] Stop being sidetracked by their complaining and whining.

[202] They only do that because it works on you.

[203] You change your heart.

[204] part of the equation, that will begin to change their behavior.

[205] Stop trying to, if you're a math person, stop trying to change their side of the equation.

[206] It doesn't work to control other people and convince them against their will.

[207] It doesn't work.

[208] I want you to be free from trying to fix everything so that you make everything better.

[209] 80 % of the moms out there struggle with this because you love your kids and you want them to be happy.

[210] And it is a big, big, big trap that you fall into that will create endless power struggles and it has nothing to do with your strong will child and everything to do with you, which means you can fix it.

[211] So if you want to call me, I'll gladly walk you through this.

[212] And we'll change those generational patterns because that's what we're after, breaking generational patterns.

[213] If you don't want to talk to me, listen to me. Get the calm parenting package or the get everything package is over 30 hours of practical strategies.

[214] And we go through all the nuances of this of every situation.

[215] We go through five, six, seven, eight different ways to handle it.

[216] So you've got a full toolbox.

[217] And as you listen, it will begin to change the way you think about situations, right?

[218] Because a lot of this is about changing the prism through which you view yourself and through which you view your child because you've been looking at these situations in an entirely, I won't say wrong way, but an unhelpful way.

[219] Well, I just expect that when I tell my child to do something, he just jumps to attention and he just does it and he should want to do that after all I do for him.

[220] And when he doesn't do that, well, then I think it's my job to convince and explain him or plead with him to get him to do it because I know it's good for him and I don't like to hear him unhappy and to have a bad attitude because what am I going to do if I send my child out into the world with a bad attitude?

[221] that's the wrong way to look at it.

[222] My job is to lead my child.

[223] I expect them to resist, just like I expect you to resist tomorrow morning getting up and going to the gym early when you're tired.

[224] Of course you're going to resist.

[225] And my job isn't to explain and convince everything to you.

[226] It's to lead you.

[227] And I want you to start doing that because that will release a lot of this ick inside of you because you're overly responsible for everybody else instead of just being responsible for your own attitude, I lead people much better by my own attitude and changing that than by trying to fix or change theirs.

[228] And when you break this pattern and you don't need your kids to be happy with you or like you, it will change everything in your home.

[229] And you'll begin to do away with a lot of these power struggles when you lead your kids because they're looking for a leader.

[230] If you need help with that, call us.

[231] Email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Home .com.

[232] Work through the programs.

[233] It will change your home.

[234] And if we can help you anyway, let us know we love you.

[235] We appreciate you.

[236] Appreciate you.

[237] Appreciate you sharing this podcast.

[238] Let's get on this this week because I like this one a lot.

[239] And with Fourth of July coming up, you're going to be around your kids and are going to whine and complain by a lot of stuff.

[240] So good.

[241] So look at it as an opportunity to mature yourself, grow up, and lead your family.

[242] Love you all.

[243] Bye -bye.

[244] Thank you.