Dr. Becky Kennedy: Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds

[0] Welcome to the Huberman Lab Podcast, where we discuss science and science -based tools for everyday life.

[1] I'm Andrew Huberman, and I'm a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine.

[2] My guest today is Dr. Becky Kennedy.

[3] Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist specializing in parent -child relationships.

[4] She received her degrees and did her training at Duke University and Columbia University in New York.

[5] She is the author of the best -selling book, Good Inside, a guide to becoming the parent you want to be.

[6] She is also the founder and creator of an online learning platform, also called Good Inside, at which parents and parents -to -be can learn the best possible parenting skills that are grounded in the fields of clinical psychology that have been proven to work in the real world, and that can allow people to navigate common sticking points in parent -child relationships.

[7] During today's discussion, you will learn a tremendous amount of actionable knowledge about what it is to be a good parent.

[8] This is a conversation that pertains not just to parents and parents to be, but also uncles, aunts, grandparents, and also those of you not planning to or who do not want children.

[9] I say that because while everything we discussed today is grounded in the discussion around parent -child relationships, it indeed pertains to all of us and relationships of all kinds, including romantic relationships, friendships, workplace relationships, and our relationship to self.

[10] Dr. Kennedy defines for us and makes clear and actionable what the exact job of good parenting is and how that relates to other relationships that we might have.

[11] She explains how to set healthy boundaries, and in fact, defines exactly what healthy boundaries are.

[12] There's a lot of misconception about that.

[13] We also talk a lot about empathy and the need to make children and ourselves feel safe in all kinds of relating.

[14] We discuss how to navigate disagreements and arguments, apologies and punishments, reward, and on and on, all framed within a real -world, real -time context.

[15] What I mean by that, and what I think really sets apart Dr. Becky Kennedy's work from so much else that you'll see out there on parent -child and other types of relationships, is that she makes what to do and say and what not to do and say in a variety of real -world contexts, very clear such that you can access that knowledge and do those specific things and avoid those specific things even when things get tense.

[16] In fact, especially when things get difficult or tense.

[17] By the end of today's episode, you will have learned a dozen or more very potent, clinically -backed tools to navigate parent -child relating, including your relationship to your own parents, alive or dead, and your relationship to self.

[18] before we begin i'd like to emphasize that this podcast is separate from my teaching and research roles at stanford it is however part of my desire and effort to bring zero cost to consumer information about science and science related tools to the general public in keeping with that theme i'd like to thank the sponsors of today's podcast our first sponsor is element element is an electrolyte drink that has everything you need but nothing you don't that means the electrolytes sodium magnesium and potassium all in the correct ratios but no sugar Proper hydration is critical for optimal brain and body function.

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[30] Today's episode is also brought to us by Waking Up.

[31] Waking Up is a meditation app that includes hundreds of meditation programs, mindfulness trainings, yoga nidra sessions, and NSDR, non -sleep deep rest protocols.

[32] I started using the Waking Up app a few years ago because even though I've been doing regular meditation since my teens, and I started doing Yoga Nidra about a decade ago, my dad mentioned to me that he had found an app, turned out to be the Waking Up app, which could teach you meditations of different durations and that had a lot of different types of meditations to place the brain and body into different states and that he liked it very much.

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[41] Again, that's wakingup .com slash Huberman to access a free 30 -day trial.

[42] And now for my discussion with Dr. Becky Kennedy.

[43] Dr. Becky Kennedy, welcome.

[44] Thank you, so excited to be here.

[45] I have a lot of questions for you.

[46] And as I mentioned in my introduction, much of what we are going to discuss today relates to parent -child relating, but pertains to relationships generally.

[47] So people with children, without children, who don't want children.

[48] Hopefully there aren't people that hate children, but for all people out there with children or not, planning them or not.

[49] relationships are really just fundamental to who we are.

[50] And I actually place relationships, including relationship to self, in what we now think of as the six pillars of mental health, physical health, and performance.

[51] Sleep, nutrition, exercise, relationships clearly vital to all aspects of life.

[52] So I'd like to start off by just asking for all of us, are there some simple or perhaps not so simple questions that we can reflect on that give us a sense of how good a parent we are or would be based on, I don't know, our previous parent -child relationships, our relationship to self.

[53] What kind of things come to bear when we think about really healthy relationships?

[54] I can start rattling off a list of what.

[55] I imagine they could be, but what are your thoughts?

[56] What's the parameter space, as we say?

[57] How should we think about relationships besides just, oh, I either like this person or don't, or I feel good around them or I don't, or separating how I feel about them versus how they make me feel?

[58] Maybe we can drill a little deeper below the kind of more superficial stuff that we often see out there.

[59] The first thing that comes to mind when you say that is this word sturdiness.

[60] And to me, when someone says like, what is good inside is an approach.

[61] And that's always the first word that comes to mind.

[62] And I know that's like an odd word.

[63] It's not a word we like use a lot.

[64] Although I do think most people, when you say that person's like a really sturdy person, I think we all have some connotation or feeling at least of what that means.

[65] And I use it a lot being a sturdy parent, being a sturdy leader.

[66] I talk a lot about the similarities to parenting and kind of being a pilot of a plane.

[67] And that word sturdy always comes up.

[68] And so I remember a little while ago, someone pushed me, they're like, what's your definition of what that means?

[69] And at that point, I thought, wow, I should probably have a definition given I use it a lot.

[70] But what I think it really means is an ability to be connected to yourself and to someone else at the same time.

[71] And I think that is really the definition of sturdy leadership.

[72] And that is the key thing that's present in a healthy relationship, that at once...

[73] I kind of know my values, what I want, what I need.

[74] I feel like I can be true to that.

[75] And at the same time, I can kind of connect to someone else who probably has different wants and needs and maybe even slightly different values at the same time.

[76] And the thing that leads me to next is what I think about is like family jobs, an apparent job.

[77] But in almost any other place, you could assume if I'm getting a new job at this company, like there's just no way I could do my job well if I don't know what my job is, right?

[78] If you go to your desk and your boss is like, have a good day, do a good job, and there's no job description, you'd be like, I think that's impossible.

[79] But over and over with parents, if I say to them, well, what is your job with your kid?

[80] Or when your kid is having a tantrum, or they hit, or they're rude, or they lie to your face, or anything, what is your job in that moment?

[81] very well -intentioned, educated people who would never, ever take a job if they didn't have a job description.

[82] They look at me, they're like, I have no idea.

[83] So how can we do it well?

[84] How can we then perform it to a place to get to the outcomes we want if you don't have the foundation of what your job is?

[85] And to me, I thought a lot about it.

[86] I think parents actually have two jobs, and it relates to sturdiness, so you'll connect it, where one of our jobs is boundaries.

[87] And to me, Boundaries are things we tell people we will do and they require the other person to do nothing.

[88] And that's like really important because a lot of times we think we're setting a boundary when actually we're making a request.

[89] And boundaries keep us connected to ourselves.

[90] They represent our values and our wants and our needs.

[91] And in a parent -child relationship, they also keep our kids safe.

[92] If I just know.

[93] In a simple way, like my kids watch enough TV today and they really have to get to bed.

[94] And I know that.

[95] Like I don't want them to stay up late.

[96] I kind of know what my family needs.

[97] I have to set a boundary.

[98] But the other part of my job is like empathy and validation, which is a way of connecting to someone else where you see someone else's feelings and experience as real.

[99] You don't agree with it probably.

[100] You don't necessarily condone the behavior.

[101] That's the representation of the feelings.

[102] But the feelings themselves you need to connect to.

[103] And I feel like those are our two jobs as parents and that's really the way to be a sturdy leader and to be in a sturdy, healthy relationship with your kids.

[104] Wow.

[105] So much there and I love it.

[106] And here's one of the reasons I love it.

[107] This notion of sturdiness, something that I don't think we hear enough about.

[108] We hear about resilience, grit, also important terms.

[109] But sturdiness, as you've described it in the job of parenting, really seems to include a lot of verbs, not just nouns and adjectives.

[110] And I'm a huge fan of verbs because biology and to some extent psychology, yes, also psychology, is all about verbs.

[111] And so the labels often are mysterious.

[112] But sturdiness...

[113] just sends a clear message of something that doesn't budge easily.

[114] But then as you describe the job of being a parent, having boundaries, and I'd like to drill into that a little bit more, how you view boundaries, but also empathy, it's not a walled off picture.

[115] It's one that is semi -permeable.

[116] Also, and I confess I'm a bit obsessed with old school psychoanalytic theory, not as the...

[117] the be all end all of psychology but but it also suggests um like this other other relationship like i'm a person i have a self you're a person you have a self this is the opposite of codependency where obviously dependency and two people being quote -unquote codependent can be healthy in the context of relying on one another but as i understand it when one person has a self and another person doesn't have a self or this notion of merging not just in romantic relationships but Child -parent relationships, you know, I'm best friends with my mom or dad.

[118] Is that a good thing?

[119] I don't know.

[120] But this notion of other, other relationships.

[121] It's like I'm a self, you're a self, and we each see each other as another.

[122] Anyway, I think there's so much to explore here.

[123] So valuable.

[124] You mentioned that boundaries are something that we do and that requires that the other do nothing.

[125] Can we go a little bit further into that?

[126] Because it's a beautiful concept.

[127] And this notion of boundaries.

[128] But like gaslighting narcissism and all the other things that we hear about nowadays I think are often badly misunderstood.

[129] So tell us more about boundaries and how that looks in the action sense of it.

[130] And this is all so connected to what you're saying, that other relationship.

[131] I'm a person.

[132] You're a person.

[133] And so many times that actually is what gets merged.

[134] And so my kid gets upset that I say they can't watch another show.

[135] And a parent really in that moment, it's like, whose feelings are whose?

[136] Like, they were upset.

[137] Was I was upset?

[138] A second ago, I thought I should set the boundary.

[139] And now all of a sudden, I'm changing my mind.

[140] There is this complete role kind of confusion and merger, which is one of the main reasons that kids get actually really scared and escalate their behavior because they don't have a sturdy leader when they really need one, right?

[141] So boundaries are what we tell someone we will do and they require the other person to do nothing.

[142] I like this definition for a lot of reasons.

[143] I'm just very practical.

[144] So it allows me after I set a boundary to like assess, was that a boundary or not, right?

[145] Because let's take the TV example.

[146] It's whatever time at night my kid has just watched a show and they know they're supposed to watch one show and then, you know, turn off the TV.

[147] I hear from parents a lot, my kid doesn't listen or my kid doesn't respect my boundaries.

[148] And I'll say, okay, like, That sounds hard.

[149] Let's get into that.

[150] So then I'll say, so I told my kid to shut off the TV.

[151] They just kept watching.

[152] They just kept on.

[153] I told my kid to stop jumping on the couch.

[154] And they kept jumping.

[155] They don't respect my boundaries.

[156] They don't listen.

[157] To me, this is like a beautiful example of like, this is a problem.

[158] I agree.

[159] But this is not a boundary problem.

[160] You made a request of your child.

[161] And frankly.

[162] If you have your, I'm making this up, seven -year -old watching TV, I'm not so good at putting away TV and a phone at night.

[163] Like, it's just hard for me to do.

[164] So your seven -year -old probably is just, you know, addicted to what's ever happening.

[165] And we're kind of asking our kid to do our job for us because we don't want our kid to be mad at us or whatever it is.

[166] A boundary in that situation would be saying, oh, you didn't put off the TV.

[167] Look, by the time I get over there, if you haven't turned off the TV, and I don't want to do this, but I will, I will take the remote out of your hand and shut it off.

[168] A boundary is saying, ooh, after my request doesn't work, can you get off the couch?

[169] You can jump on the floor.

[170] Look, if by the time I get over there you haven't gotten off the couch, I will pick you up.

[171] I'm not going to put the success of my intervention in my, like, seven -year -old's hand.

[172] I care too much about my own needs and my own role as a leader in my home to do that, right?

[173] Same thing with, let's say, in -laws.

[174] My mother -in -law doesn't respect my boundary.

[175] She always – who shows up without calling.

[176] Now, I don't want to get to this point, and there's a lot of things in a relationship we can do before we get to this point, but if that's really a boundary, and I have a very kind of intrusive mother -in -law, a boundary would be saying, look, this is going to be awkward, and I know you mean well, but the next time you come unannounced, I will come to your car and say, oh, this time doesn't work for us.

[177] You cannot come in, and I will go back into my house and close the door.

[178] Now, there's going to be lots of feelings around that.

[179] but you are now setting a true boundary.

[180] And when we say our kids don't listen, those are often situations, not all of them, but there's a big percentage where I'm actually not setting a boundary early enough and in a sturdy enough way, which is what my kid needs because at that point, they simply don't have the skills to inhibit an urge and they need me to be the boundary for them.

[181] kids are craving rules.

[182] They're craving boundaries.

[183] I don't know.

[184] I was kind of a wild adolescent and teenager, maybe a little more than wild.

[185] I don't recall ever craving rules, but I do recall paying attention to their lack of presence.

[186] So what of that?

[187] Is this notion that kids really want and crave rules and boundaries, is that sort of a, I don't know.

[188] projection that we put onto them.

[189] And I'm not exploring this just for fun.

[190] I'm exploring it because I think that one thing that's very helpful in setting boundaries, especially with kids, is the idea that, gosh, even if it's a bit painful to see them in discomfort, there's that empathy piece that you talked about before, that empathic attunement.

[191] can get in the way of boundaries, right?

[192] They're not mutually exclusive, but these are somewhat competing forces at times.

[193] So if we know or if we can acknowledge or at least explore this idea that rules are deep down what they really want, not just what they need, maybe it would help.

[194] Yes.

[195] And I think, by the way, in my taking the remote away or taking my kid off the couch, just to be clear, if I do that to my kid.

[196] Like they are not going to say, oh, mom, you are the best mom in the world.

[197] Thank you.

[198] They are going to cry and scream.

[199] And that's where boundaries and empathy, those two parts of our job, actually do always go together.

[200] I think they're actually partners.

[201] They're not actually at odds.

[202] Because as soon as my kid is upset, what I would say to them is, oh, you wanted to jump on the couch.

[203] It's not as much fun on the floor.

[204] Oh, you really wanted to watch another show.

[205] You didn't even want it this big.

[206] You wanted to watch it this big.

[207] It sounds crazy because you're like, wait, why am I empathizing with that feeling?

[208] They just kind of disobeyed.

[209] No, they're two different things.

[210] I'm doing my job and setting a boundary.

[211] They're actually doing their job and feeling their feelings.

[212] That's actually their job.

[213] The only way you can ever learn to regulate a feeling is through feeling the feeling.

[214] So they're doing their job.

[215] Now I'm going to validate.

[216] And this is how kids learn emotion regulation.

[217] Boundaries, they feel.

[218] I validate.

[219] I hold the boundary over and over and over.

[220] So do kids crave rules?

[221] And I think one of the issues is that most parenting approaches have one or the other.

[222] And I think they're both very incomplete strategies.

[223] If you just lead with rules, right?

[224] I don't know who said it.

[225] Definitely wasn't me. Like, what is it?

[226] Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.

[227] Yeah, that's what happens, right?

[228] So that's not good.

[229] But I see the stainage we've swung the other direction.

[230] It is also not a complete parenting strategy when your kid's jumping on the couch to do nothing if you think that's dangerous and to say, oh, you really want to jump, jump, jump, and such big feelings.

[231] Like that's not what kids need.

[232] I think kids crave boundaries and they crave feeling seen and understood.

[233] Because as kids are growing up, like I think the questions they're always asking parents, even though of course they never say this, it's just, am I real and am I safe?

[234] Every interaction, that's what they're asking us.

[235] The reason we have to validate their feelings when they're upset, even though they're so upset, just that their string cheese broke, whatever it is, is feelings don't have markers like blood or like they don't know.

[236] And so when we say, oh, you wanted your string cheese to be together, what we're really saying is the things you experience inside of you are real.

[237] But kids are also desperate to know like how far do things go?

[238] No one likes to feel boundaryless as a kid.

[239] That's terrifying, right?

[240] And so when we set a boundary, we actually say to a kid, Like I will always protect you.

[241] Like I won't let things get so far out of control.

[242] So I do think, I don't know if it's rules, but kids crave connection.

[243] And I think boundaries and kind of validation and empathy, they are the two forms of connection that kids, yeah, are really desperate for.

[244] What about rewarding kids?

[245] And here, rather than start off by asking, You know, what are the best ways to reward kids in healthy ways?

[246] I will ask that in a moment.

[247] How can we evaluate the notion of rewards or incentives through this lens of sturdiness, boundaries, and empathy?

[248] Because, you know, I could imagine, you know, a reward that's outsized in comparison to what a kid did.

[249] You know, okay, great.

[250] You know, you took your plate to the...

[251] kitchen sink after dinner, you know, you get $10 ,000, obviously out of scale, extreme example, but just by way of example, you know, screw up their reward mechanisms for life, if you ask me, everything I know about reward and neuroplasticity says that that would occur.

[252] But this idea that, you know, you can incentivize kids, if you turn off the TV now, then you definitely can watch tomorrow night.

[253] Whereas if you don't, you can't.

[254] So you're sort of merging, reward and potential punishment.

[255] How do we bound rewards?

[256] And how do we take into account that when we start adding rewards to scenarios that we're mixing and matching life experience for them?

[257] Okay, so now doing what I'm told, do I always expect a reward?

[258] If the reward doesn't come next time, we know based on reward prediction error, we tend to be...

[259] Worse off emotionally than had we never received a reward in the first place.

[260] Again, pretty vast parameter space.

[261] But what are your thoughts on best ways to reward kids for standard good behavior versus achievement versus elimination of bad behavior?

[262] So three categories.

[263] I think you're asking a much bigger question.

[264] I think you are.

[265] Which is like why do parents think we need to reward kids?

[266] I think that's why do we think we need to punish kids?

[267] And this is actually where everything I work on started from because the way I was trained to work with parents, I went to, you know, the best gold standard evidence -based program.

[268] And it was all about timeouts and punishments and rewards and stickers and ignoring and praise.

[269] And honestly, during the training for the years after I kind of practiced this way, I feel like that.

[270] You know this better than I am, so I shouldn't even say this, but, like, that left part of my brain, like, logic and linearity.

[271] I was just like, this is amazing.

[272] Oh, my goodness.

[273] We're going to get more of the good behavior and we're going to not get the bad behavior.

[274] And I'd start teaching this to parents in my private practice.

[275] And there was this little thing in me. I don't even know.

[276] I was like, I don't know about this.

[277] I don't know.

[278] And it'd get louder and louder to the point that in a session I literally said to a parent in front of me, I was just like, telling them how to do a timeout.

[279] And I said, I'm sorry, I don't believe anything I've been telling you.

[280] That's literally what I said.

[281] Because I just, it was so loud.

[282] And it was obviously super awkward.

[283] But it led me to, I feel like from this first principles way, be like, there are a million assumptions that we have about raising kids.

[284] And I think about relationships.

[285] And if I just strip them back, what would I be left with?

[286] And what would be a new building from there?

[287] And rewards and punishments to me are these assumptions that we have somehow converted from like, the fiction shelf of the library in my mind to like the nonfiction shelf as like truths and I kind of rail against all of them so I think I think the question if that's okay to go in that direction to me is like why do we think we need to reward kids and is there actually a better system both short -term and long -term I'm incredibly long -term greedy in my parenting approach because at the end of the day 18 and up is where things really matter.

[288] Not really matter.

[289] I mean, they all matter.

[290] But I'd rather, you know, I want to help my kids become sturdy, resilient adults.

[291] But I'm short -term greedy, too, because I'm a realist.

[292] Like, I just can't deal with, like, all these difficult moments.

[293] You get both, for sure, without rewards and punishments.

[294] So I don't know.

[295] What might someone tell me they give a reward for?

[296] Do you want to use the, like, clearing the table or example?

[297] Let's start that there.

[298] It kind of goes back to, like, believing kids are inherently good inside.

[299] I really think it goes back to that.

[300] If you really believe kids are inherently good inside, which by the way, when I strip back every assumption, the only thing I was left was that, literally the only thing.

[301] And then I started to think, okay, so if they're good inside, why do they do so many annoying things like all the time?

[302] But that gave me a gap.

[303] And I feel like that is very exciting to have a gap.

[304] Like why do people who are good inside do such bad things, right?

[305] Adults or kids.

[306] And to me, right, kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills to manage those feelings, like period.

[307] And we've often thought, therefore, when feelings, feelings without skills come out in behaviors.

[308] I think that's what bad behaviors are.

[309] Feelings or urges or something without a skill to manage them or without access to the skill, maybe in that moment, either way.

[310] And then we end up punishing behavior, but the behavior was just a sign of the lack of skill.

[311] So I can't imagine anyone thinking I could teach my kid to swim by punishing them for not swimming.

[312] Like I think someone would say that was crazy.

[313] But that's kind of how we raise kids.

[314] And then we think rewarding them is going to be effective, but it actually leads over and over to what you said.

[315] I've seen these parents over and over in my private practice.

[316] My 14 -year -old literally won't pick up their clothes from the floor unless I give them $5.

[317] Like how did I get here?

[318] And I'm like.

[319] Yeah, that's a problem.

[320] But I saw how they got there.

[321] So let's take clearing, you know, their plate.

[322] I know this is going to sound cheesy, but kids do have something in them where they want to feel like a purposeful, meaningful part of society.

[323] They do.

[324] Impact drives adults and it drives kids.

[325] It's not the same type of rewarding as playing Fortnite.

[326] It's a totally different system.

[327] But I think the question is, like, why do we think we have to bribe kids or, you know, kind of...

[328] and trick them into doing things that are kind of like basic parts of human life.

[329] And so if we take that and my kid chronically isn't clearing their plate, I could say to them, look, every time you clear a plate, I'm going to give you a sticker.

[330] After five stickers, you're going to get, I don't know, whatever it is.

[331] To me, like a much more just effective way is I'd say to my kid, hey, I know you know like clearing a plate is just one way of being part of this family and taking care of stuff.

[332] I know you know that.

[333] We're on the same team.

[334] I say that phrase.

[335] We're on the same team.

[336] Right?

[337] We are.

[338] Something's getting in your way of remembering.

[339] I'm going to assume I like the most generous interpretation.

[340] That, to me, allows you to separate someone's bad behavior from their good identity.

[341] Then I'm going to say, what would help you remember?

[342] We literally did this with my son who always had his towel on the floor.

[343] And I was just like, I bet he just doesn't remember.

[344] He literally doesn't see it.

[345] And we talked about it.

[346] And he's like, we talked about him putting a Post -it.

[347] Literally.

[348] Something simple like a Post -it.

[349] on my door that just says, pick up my towel.

[350] He wrote it in his own handwriting, trying to facilitate him solving his own problems.

[351] And now he has a much higher rate of picking up his towel.

[352] I guess I could have said, every time you pick up your towel, you'll, I don't know, get a dollar or whatever it is.

[353] But again, it makes me think, I'm not building the generalizable skill that way.

[354] I'm just kind of offering something at the end, which sets me on this kind of awful cycle that I think kind of misses the point.

[355] I'd like to take a quick break and acknowledge one of our sponsors, Athletic Greens.

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[367] I love the idea that kids want purpose.

[368] And am I correct in wondering, if that goes back to this am i real component of the am i real am i safe yes like one way that we know we are real is our ability to impart change on the world around us i don't want to get too abstract here but you know as a neuroscientist i've often sat back and reflected like all the emotions we feel like no one sees that or knows that Unless we say something, we write something, we sing something, we shout something, you know, all the forms of expression.

[369] Just like none of our dreams, our creative insights or wishes exist except inside us unless we transmute them into something in the real world.

[370] So there does seem to be something about having this nervous system from a time we're really young.

[371] Like it's seeing our effect on the world that really makes us real and on others.

[372] And I love the idea that...

[373] Well, and I must say I absolutely believe in my heart and I just feel it as a feeling that kids are inherently good inside.

[374] Like I just – I can't imagine any other version of that.

[375] But does that mean that there are people out there who believe that kids are inherently bad or at least not good?

[376] I mean like how could that be?

[377] But then again, maybe I'm just naive.

[378] I don't know if anyone consciously believes that.

[379] But when I go back to that system I was first trained in, rewards and punishments.

[380] It feels like a system of behavioral control.

[381] And to me, like, I've always thought about control and trust as opposites.

[382] So I only control what I don't trust.

[383] So nobody said to me in that program, by the way, Becky, everything you're learning here, we believe kids are bad inside, and so we do this thing.

[384] But, well.

[385] If I don't trust my kid and if I don't trust they inherently have the things in them to do good, by the way, that's not going to happen naturally.

[386] That's why we have a big job as a parent to coach our kids, to bring that out, to set boundaries when they can't do it and so many other things.

[387] But I don't believe anyone would say, yeah, it's because they're bad inside.

[388] But there is a nature where you're constantly interacting with your kid from that other system, looking at them like, I don't trust you.

[389] I don't trust you.

[390] And when you do bad things, I cannot hold on to the fact that you have a good identity.

[391] That's why I'm giving you a punishment.

[392] That's why I'm sending you away to your room.

[393] And so if I'm reflecting back to you constantly that you are just your latest behavior, that I don't trust you, that I kind of have to bribe you to do very basic human things, well, our kids form their identity from our reflection of them.

[394] And so then we're – this is what really compelled all of this.

[395] I'm like we're raising generation after generation of kid kind of saying to them like you're kind of a bad, untrustworthy kid.

[396] And then we wonder why we have such high rates of like massive mental health problems.

[397] Well, like there's some linearity there.

[398] I'm curious about this notion of impingement.

[399] I've heard about this, you know, this idea that, you know, when we're young, we're foraging life.

[400] deciding, you know, do I like the way this tastes or not tastes?

[401] You know, by the way, I still hate anchovies.

[402] I don't need to be asked again to know the answer.

[403] But when you're young, you know, we're encouraged to do things like eat your broccoli, taste the anchovy.

[404] And some parents, it seems, are very comfortable with the idea of allowing their children to have their feelings and their wishes.

[405] As I always say, the nervous system seems to be divided into yum yucks and meh.

[406] Mez, I guess the plural will be meh.

[407] Yum, yucks, and mehs.

[408] I mean, it's more complicated than that.

[409] But like with people where you're like, yeah, I really like them or no, something's off there.

[410] Like, you know, so it's not that much more nuanced than that.

[411] And the brain's got to make decisions after all.

[412] Excuse me. So, you know, kids have their yums, yucks, and mehs.

[413] And then we've got our ideas about what...

[414] they need to do in order to progress through life often inherited from our parents and hopefully modified by the wonderful work that you're doing and writing about and in your your program um then we're talking about here but you know how much space should we allow for kids to be unimpinged like like you don't want to eat you don't want to eat what we're eating for dinner like okay i'm not going to cook you an entire new dinner but then i guess like you might go to bed hungry sounds harsh right um But the other version is, okay, what would you like for dinner?

[415] Well, I prefer, let's say they pick a healthy option.

[416] They prefer pasta, not chicken.

[417] Okay, we won't do the ice cream chicken thing.

[418] Do we do it?

[419] Like how much impingement?

[420] I don't want to watch a movie with the family.

[421] I want to play in my room.

[422] At some level, I've heard it both ways that impingement is.

[423] for safety and life progression, but there's times when it's more subtle than that.

[424] It's not about safety and life progression.

[425] It's not about going to school or not going to school, homework or no homework.

[426] It's about like, do you wanna come with us to the park?

[427] You wanna play at home in your room?

[428] How often should we impinge?

[429] How do we know?

[430] This is kind of the tricky areas of parenting that I think Because it doesn't fall into the extremes.

[431] Yeah.

[432] I love this question.

[433] That's a word I don't often hear actually.

[434] Impingement – like can you – like what – like definition -wise.

[435] Like impinging on the child's – What they want?

[436] Inherent natural desires or aversion to things.

[437] Got it.

[438] Right?

[439] Like you say, hey, we're going over so -and -so's house and they say, you know, I don't like their kids.

[440] You go, listen, you got to learn to play with other kids.

[441] And you go, no, I don't like their kids.

[442] And you say, did something happen?

[443] And so we're not talking about a dangerous situation.

[444] They're like, no, I don't like that.

[445] I just really want to just stay home.

[446] Yeah.

[447] This is a great.

[448] So are we going to impinge on their, I mean, because we're teaching them.

[449] Either way, we're teaching them something.

[450] You got to do stuff you don't want to do, even if you don't like it.

[451] And we're here again, we're ruling out the possibility that there's something unsafe about the environment, psychologically or physically unsafe.

[452] But at the same time, we're teaching them, hey, I see you, I hear you, but your desires might not be...

[453] Right.

[454] There's actually a kind of like a tacit message of the way you feel might not be the best gauge of what's best for you, which sends a complicated message to a kid.

[455] Totally.

[456] So this is, again, where I think at Good Inside, like family jobs are so useful.

[457] Family jobs to me, when I used to meet with parents and like they describe a situation, I feel like 90 percent of the time that's where I'd start because then that flows from there.

[458] It's like a framework.

[459] So what is my job?

[460] I'm the one who sets boundaries.

[461] Like, I am the one who makes key family decisions.

[462] Obviously, as our kids get older, they should be making some decisions too.

[463] No one likes to feel controlled.

[464] But key decisions and my job is to validate my kids' experience.

[465] This is actually complicated because, again, over and over we think that validating my kids' experience means they're going to dictate a decision.

[466] My boundaries don't dictate my kids' feelings.

[467] And my kids' feelings should not dictate.

[468] My boundaries, they're just two equal things.

[469] So this is a great example.

[470] My kids are like, you know, I don't like playing with those kids.

[471] And can I just stay home with, let's just say grandma was home.

[472] Can I just stay home?

[473] And I'm like, I just think it's important to go as a family, but my kid doesn't want to go.

[474] There's nothing dangerous.

[475] Okay.

[476] To me, this is that exact way of putting family jobs into action, sweetie.

[477] And to me, this phrase, I wish every parent could say this to their kid.

[478] I believe you.

[479] If you want to make a kid feel real and confident for life.

[480] Confidence comes from the experience of being believed because that's how you, for me, confidence is self -trust.

[481] It's not feeling good about yourself.

[482] It's self -trust.

[483] I really do know the way I feel.

[484] So let's say I say to my son in that situation, it's, I believe you.

[485] I'd start that way.

[486] I believe you.

[487] Look, I know you want to play football all day and the kid around your age hates football.

[488] Like that would probably be lowest on your list of types of kids you'd want to hang out with for the afternoon.

[489] I totally believe you.

[490] And in this family, we know that sometimes we have to do things we don't love to do.

[491] We do that for a family experience.

[492] I say this to my kid all the time.

[493] You know, also just to end up being a good adult, you just have to end up practicing as a kid, doing things you don't want to do, things that are boring, things that aren't your preference.

[494] So, you know, you notch in your belt for that.

[495] So you don't have to thank me. And also, I know you have it in you.

[496] to do your best to be polite and engaged.

[497] Like, I just, I know you're a good kid and this isn't what you want and I know we're going to get through it.

[498] Now, if it's really hard, maybe young, hey, let's create a sign.

[499] Like, can you look at me and go, when you feel like you're kind of at this and then me and you, we're going to go to the bathroom, I'm going to give you a hug and, right, I'm going to say, I know this isn't what you want and when we get home, we can watch that football game, whatever it was, right?

[500] Because what we often do is we leave ourselves with two choices with kids.

[501] We either say, fine, stay home.

[502] Their feelings actually just dictated the decision.

[503] That's not helpful for them.

[504] I don't want my kid to learn in life.

[505] When I don't want to do something, people twist and turn to make that thing not happen.

[506] Like that's disturbing for adulthood expectations.

[507] But then we do the other thing, which is like you are so selfish.

[508] Just because you don't have a friend your age doesn't mean that you can't come with us.

[509] So we either let their feelings dictate or we think our boundaries kind of give us the right to be mad at our kid.

[510] To do both is so important.

[511] And so that's where I think to me when I hear impingement, I actually think that is the exact space where you have the most bang for your buck as a parent.

[512] It's not enjoyable.

[513] And again, if I have my beautiful intervention with my son, do not think my kid will look at me and say, I love how you explained that.

[514] That was so beautiful.

[515] No, he's going to roll his eyes.

[516] My job is not to take the bait because I'm an adult and to also hold hope.

[517] I think that's really important.

[518] concept of I'm validating my kids' feelings where they are today, but I need to be the one to hold hope that they can cope with it.

[519] If I can't name to my kid, I know you're going to get through it.

[520] They're not going to be able to see that kind of next more mature version of themselves.

[521] And I actually think it's the same as your best boss.

[522] You know, it was like, I know you don't want to go on this trip.

[523] I don't know, whatever it is.

[524] I know this presentation topic isn't the one you would have chosen.

[525] And there were 10 things and this was literally number 10.

[526] I totally get that.

[527] And it stinks.

[528] And I'm not taking anything away from that.

[529] And this is the thing I need you to do.

[530] And I know something about you.

[531] Like when you put your mind to something, you always do a great job.

[532] And like, it's probably not going to be enjoyable, but I do know you're going to do a great job on this.

[533] Like, that's like the boss you want.

[534] Amazing.

[535] Are you adopting children, by the way?

[536] I finished college.

[537] You I'd consider, Andrew.

[538] Adult children.

[539] What I'm hearing is don't dictate their behavior.

[540] And I'm going to underline in bold, dictate.

[541] Don't dictate their behavior.

[542] You're going to do this because I said so.

[543] That's dictatorship.

[544] But at the same time, don't quash the emotion behind the resistance.

[545] Acknowledge it.

[546] Make them feel real.

[547] I believe you.

[548] I love this phrase.

[549] Amazing.

[550] And I love your definition of confidence.

[551] If people didn't hear that, we're definitely going to repeat it again and we're going to etch it into your neural circuitry because I love that.

[552] It's a self -trust.

[553] Yes.

[554] And this notion of giving hope.

[555] You're giving them an incentive that's based on a reward that's actually good for them.

[556] that they can translate to other situations as well.

[557] Wow.

[558] Can I double -click on reward?

[559] Please.

[560] Because you know what made me think?

[561] I didn't think until you said that.

[562] Like I think in a situation where you'd be tempted to say like, and if you go and you're polite, I'll give you 20 extra minutes of Roblox, right?

[563] That's like – and – First of all, let me just say something.

[564] Like, whatever I say to you, like, for listeners, like, it's not like I do this stuff all the time with my actual kids.

[565] I'm the first one sometimes to be like, here's your thing I have to dangle.

[566] We'll provide a little section in the comment section on YouTube where your kids can.

[567] No, I'm just kidding.

[568] Yeah, exactly.

[569] Your kids are forbidden.

[570] No. Oh, wait.

[571] That's, wait.

[572] That's dictating.

[573] We understand why you, I believe that you would want to comment, but we're going to trust, we're going to let you know why it's, it's good for you if you don't.

[574] Anyway, I'll practice this on someone else's kids.

[575] But the reward, like, the reward.

[576] When your kid ends up seeing themselves capable of doing something they didn't previously think they could do, you know better than me. I feel like that is like one of the best rewards, even if it's getting through a social situation.

[577] Or I think about this a lot with, you know, my little kid is, I don't know, like struggling with a puzzle or something.

[578] And I could just do it for them.

[579] Or if I help them kind of regulate, oh, this is a hard puzzle.

[580] And you can take a break.

[581] I just know you're going to figure it out today.

[582] I just know it.

[583] And then because of that, they get there.

[584] That feels in your body like that is the best kind of reward.

[585] And it's the type of reward that works for kids in adulthood.

[586] When they're in a job, we want them to be motivated by the feeling they're going to have of pride, not be saying, hey, I finished my thing early.

[587] Do I get a bonus to their boss?

[588] Like that's not going to play out as well.

[589] I love it.

[590] I'm just pausing and shaking my head only because I love it so much.

[591] And I just want to make sure that I don't quickly move to the next question without drilling down even deeper into some of these concepts.

[592] I believe you as the feedback or response that can instill real confidence over time.

[593] Not to get too nuanced here, but how is it different?

[594] Because I sense it is different than I hear you.

[595] I hear you, but...

[596] You're going to do this anyway.

[597] Or I hear you, but listen, in this family, I believe you.

[598] The word believe is powerful.

[599] And I believe there's real power in specific words, as is, you know, like, for instance, sturdiness.

[600] Again, such a powerful and underused word.

[601] I believe you.

[602] You're a psychologist.

[603] What do you think we're hearing when somebody says, I believe you, that's different than I hear you?

[604] I haven't listed these out, but I think we all have these like core needs as humans.

[605] And I think being believed is one of them because it's someone else kind of saying you're real.

[606] That's what – I might not feel what you're feeling, but that thing that feels strong to you that nobody can see or measure is real.

[607] And when I think about the most confident people, like I think about – this girl who I went to Duke with, and she was just brilliant, like, so smart.

[608] And we were in this seminar.

[609] It was one of these small classes where this professor was, like, talking about stuff.

[610] And, like, I, for once, I was like, I have no idea what this person's talking about.

[611] But, like, I was like, no one else was stopping.

[612] And this girl raised her hand, and she said, I'm sorry if everyone else is annoying.

[613] Like, I have no idea what you're talking about.

[614] Like, is there any, because I usually do, and, like, is there any way you could say that in a different way?

[615] That is, like, to me, the utmost version of confidence.

[616] That she believed her own experience of confusion was real confusion.

[617] She didn't think it was a sign she was stupid.

[618] She believed it.

[619] She believed herself.

[620] That is so confident.

[621] And I think when someone says, I hear you, it's like a version of listening.

[622] There's many worse phrases.

[623] No damage is done.

[624] When we follow anything but but, we tend to invalidate.

[625] So that's not good anyway.

[626] I believe you but is also not going to.

[627] But there's a million examples of this to me that build confidence.

[628] And I actually think there's so many situations with kids where they say situations and we worry, oh, they have low confidence.

[629] And then we intervene to, quote, make them feel better, which actually is the thing that lowers their confidence because it's like we say to them, I don't believe you.

[630] You're not really feeling the way you feel.

[631] Where I believe you is the exact opposite.

[632] So like I like to give examples just because it makes it concrete.

[633] Like my kid will come home and say, I don't know.

[634] I was picked last for, you know, for dodgeball today.

[635] I was picked last in something, and they're clearly very, very sad, right?

[636] And we want to say to them, like, it's no big deal, or everyone's picked last sometimes, or remember yesterday you told me you were picked first for basketball, and we think, like, I need to build up my kids' confidence.

[637] Those are confidence, I won't say destroying us, reducing interventions.

[638] Because a kid is kind of coming to a parent basically saying, I'm very, very upset that I was picked last.

[639] And we're saying to a kid, no, you weren't.

[640] And they're like, but I am.

[641] And what they learn is, and this is really terrifying to me, is other people are better feelers of my feelings than I am.

[642] And that's like a million really scary interpersonal, I think.

[643] relationship, you know, kind of consequences later down, later down in life.

[644] But when a kid says, you know, I was picked last and nobody even wants me and they all think I'm the worst athlete, whatever kids say, to sit and say some version of like, I'm so glad we're talking about this and I could tell that was a really hard gym class and sweetie, like, I, I believe you.

[645] You will watch your kid.

[646] It is crazy to me what parents tell me happen.

[647] When they say those words to their kids, they're like, it also just like literally diffused everything.

[648] And they were like ready to move on.

[649] Like they are just trying to tell you probably like I was feeling something.

[650] It was a lot.

[651] It was confusing, right?

[652] Our feelings are always hardest when we're alone in them.

[653] So I was alone in it and I bring it to you.

[654] When someone says, I believe you, not only are they giving you that core need, they're also just like, they're like sitting down with you in it.

[655] And that's, that makes everything better.

[656] And then meanwhile.

[657] What a kid feels like when we say I believe you to a hard experience or hard feeling is they're like the feelings that overwhelm me don't overwhelm my parents.

[658] They can tolerate it.

[659] They're not scared of me kind of being a loser in gym class one day.

[660] And if my parent likes me when I have that feeling, I can start to like myself when I have that feeling.

[661] It's so great because it sounds like it accomplishes both things.

[662] It makes kids feel real and safe.

[663] Yes.

[664] Real and safe.

[665] And I can't help but ask, say, because how we started off today was that this isn't just about parent -child relationships, but in friendships, in romantic relationships, in coworker relationships, that the words, I believe you, I have to presume based on everything I'm hearing now and feeling inside about it, that it's equally effective.

[666] Huge.

[667] You know, years ago I was on like a podcast early on and to me there are these three lines that kind of all go together when kids are – anyone's upset.

[668] And it's kind of like you start – and to me it's like a beautiful invitation to have that conversation just to say to someone, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.

[669] Right.

[670] And then kind of, I believe you tell me more.

[671] And my husband, when he heard it was like, you know, you could like say those words to me sometimes.

[672] Like I would like that because, and I think about the workplace too.

[673] Like you have someone come in, they're upset about, I don't know, I got staffed on this or I'm not getting a promotion.

[674] And I, I thought I was like, just diffuse it with just, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.

[675] Yeah.

[676] I've been working nonstop for, and just, if you say to them, like, I, I believe you.

[677] Because we usually don't say to someone, I don't believe you.

[678] But what we'll say is we defend ourselves in that moment.

[679] And the way the other person receives it is as if we're saying, I don't believe the intensity of the experience you're having.

[680] And when you do lead with I believe you, same thing in a partnership.

[681] Every time I ask you to do something, you get really hot and bothered.

[682] It doesn't even mean you agree.

[683] You're kind of just believing.

[684] Like I believe you.

[685] Like tell me more, right?

[686] I believe you that that really upset you and like I'm obviously – I have a whole other story in my head but like I hear what you're saying and I know there's something there and I believe it enough to like be open to hearing more about it.

[687] I don't know.

[688] That's like what's best.

[689] That's what we all want in our partnerships.

[690] I mean I'm wide -eyed.

[691] I mean what a beautiful acknowledgement that as you pointed out is not agreeing to accept.

[692] Someone else's reality to the extent that you're going to dismantle the, you know, the order of the world or whatever it is.

[693] But it's such an opening as opposed to a closing.

[694] And as you said, it's non -defended, but it's also boundaried.

[695] I mean, there's just so many things about it that feel good, seem good and clearly are good.

[696] You know, I don't want to go down the tragic rabbit hole of trauma.

[697] previous guest on this podcast, you know, is defined – we should probably define trauma just because it gets thrown around a lot.

[698] Trauma, an event or set of circumstances that fundamentally change the way that the brain and nervous system works so that there's a maladaptive response going forward.

[699] It's not every bad thing that happens.

[700] But there are microtraumas sometimes called small T or macro traumas.

[701] Big T, again, could be multi -event or single event.

[702] But years ago, a different – psychologist, psychiatrist, who's an adolescent psychiatrist at Stanford, said something in a seminar that just really struck me, which was that at its core, trauma is really about confusion over who's responsible.

[703] And here we're not just talking about the more salient examples of like sexual assault, those two, of course.

[704] But, you know, like if we get screamed at or we observe something like third -person trauma, The logical stance is, well, okay, that was them, not me. But when this happens, especially when we're young, the nervous system, the brain somehow interprets this as like, I was there, I had a role in it just by being there.

[705] So like, what was my role?

[706] And somehow the emotional response becomes one of responsibility, even if we know like, they're clearly the one that initiated this.

[707] And so the reason I'm bringing this up in this context is that it's almost Like that lack of belief in self somehow gets rooted in and then it all feels confusing and then we don't feel safe.

[708] That's right.

[709] Because it's a confusion about responsibility.

[710] Again, going back to this – Can we go down that rabbit hole for a second?

[711] Please, please.

[712] That's why I raised it.

[713] I think that – I want your thoughts, not mine.

[714] I always think trauma is actually not events.

[715] It's the way an event gets processed.

[716] And I love Gabor Matei's definition of trauma.

[717] It's not what happens to you.

[718] It's what happens inside of you.

[719] Right?

[720] So to me, there's an inherent relationality there where events that get – not any event.

[721] Events with high emotionality, let's say, that get processed in aloneness become traumatic.

[722] And I think that's where it gets linked to responsibility.

[723] So this is actually what my TED Talk was about and why repair is so important.

[724] Who said this?

[725] Ronald Fairburn years ago.

[726] That for kids, it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God.

[727] than to live in a world ruled by the devil.

[728] I think it explains almost everything about child development right there.

[729] Going back to goodness also.

[730] Your parent just screamed at you.

[731] And by the way, your parent, I scream at my kids.

[732] Everyone's going to scream at their kids.

[733] It's going to happen.

[734] Okay, that's just the event.

[735] The event's not going to have the impact.

[736] What is happening for a kid?

[737] Well, we know kids are oriented by attachment.

[738] They literally need us to survive.

[739] Like they could not survive on their own.

[740] And so what do you do when the person you're dependent on for safety becomes the source of danger and threat?

[741] That's very confusing for a child in that moment.

[742] So they're super hyper aroused.

[743] They're in this state of, you know, terror.

[744] And then usually after in my house, too, I just yell at my kid.

[745] They're kind of alone in their room.

[746] I'm alone in the kitchen or wherever.

[747] Meanwhile, spinning.

[748] It's like I'm such a bad parent.

[749] Like I'm, you know, but meanwhile, because I'm so lost in my own guilt, I might not be going to my kid.

[750] And so what happens for my kid if I don't repair after I scream at them or one of these events, right?

[751] Well, a kid cannot say to themselves, my parent just had a bad day.

[752] Then the badness is in my parent.

[753] My leader, I'm young now, right?

[754] Like I don't understand nuance.

[755] My leader can't be bad.

[756] So I must take on the badness.

[757] At least then I have control.

[758] So kids, after they're kind of yelled at, in the absence of repair, They really only have two options for how to regulate and feel safe again.

[759] They can self -blame.

[760] It's all my fault, which is why I feel like most adults, when they have a hard time, they tell themselves, like, it's my fault.

[761] I'm not good enough.

[762] It's like the legacy of that story from childhood.

[763] Or they use self -doubt.

[764] Maybe that didn't happen.

[765] Maybe I overreacted.

[766] Maybe I can't trust myself.

[767] Again, it leads to adults who basically say, like, did I overreact?

[768] Or let me call five friends.

[769] Let me see if they think what my boyfriend did was a big deal because they can't trust themselves.

[770] And so trauma, what I want every parent to know is they'll say, I left my kid alone and I didn't pick them up at the soccer field.

[771] Is that going to traumatize them?

[772] And I'll say, well, that's just the event.

[773] Like, did you say to them, hey, that probably felt scary?

[774] What was that like?

[775] Oh, you're right.

[776] Like you were alone.

[777] Now all of a sudden next to the event that was scary is my story and my connection.

[778] It got processed in a safe connection.

[779] It didn't get processed in aloneness.

[780] And that's a massive, massive difference.

[781] In this scenario, you are describing the parent who yelled goes to the child, having been that child and perhaps also having been that parent.

[782] How do we deal with the fact that sometimes we don't want to be around the person that yelled at us?

[783] It hurts to receive the care.

[784] There's like a textured landscape as opposed to a smooth landscape there.

[785] Like, okay, now you're ready for everything to be peaceful.

[786] I'm still with my feelings.

[787] I guess that's where the I believe you comes in and that's where the sorting it through process begins.

[788] Is that right?

[789] I think it's like what version of a parent comes back.

[790] To me, The first thing we have to do in a repair process is actually repair with ourselves as a parent.

[791] Really.

[792] Because if you haven't repaired with yourself, which to me is kind of separating your identity again from your behavior.

[793] Like, okay, Becky, I'll use myself as an example.

[794] I'm a good parent who just screamed at her son.

[795] Like, I did not mess up forever.

[796] And you see when you try to repair with yourself, those two things get collapsed.

[797] I'm like, I messed him up forever.

[798] I'm a monster.

[799] Wait, like, I'm a good parent who did something I'm not proud of.

[800] You can't repair with someone until you've repaired with yourself.

[801] They feel it from you.

[802] They actually – it usually is like then you're asking for them.

[803] I'll be like, it's okay, right?

[804] Like you forgive me, right?

[805] That's not a repair.

[806] That's like using your child to try to do something we just have to do on our own or with other adults.

[807] But if I've repaired with myself, I'm going to show up in a different way.

[808] Might I have a feisty kid?

[809] I might.

[810] He's like, I don't care.

[811] It's not better.

[812] That's okay.

[813] I'm not repairing to get something for my child.

[814] I'm repairing to give an experience to them.

[815] We can also get creative.

[816] You know, your kid is older.

[817] You text them.

[818] You slip a door under the note.

[819] You say, okay, I just have to say this one thing.

[820] To me, this line really matters to, like, snatch that self -blame out of a kid's body.

[821] It's just, like, I'm sorry I yelled.

[822] It's never your fault when I yell.

[823] And it's not.

[824] And people who argue, like, our ability to regulate our emotions predated our child's existence.

[825] Like that, you know, like they had something.

[826] They did something.

[827] And we felt frustrated.

[828] But that's very different than yelling, right?

[829] And saying that to your kid is so important.

[830] Meanwhile, the next day you might say, by the way, let's really figure out how to get out the door in a smoother way.

[831] You know, you could work on whatever they need to work on.

[832] But the reason I think most kids end up rejecting parents' apologies is it's not really a repair.

[833] We're asking our kid for permission to be okay again.

[834] Or a repair sounds like, hey, I'm sorry I yelled, but, you know, like if you just got ready in time.

[835] That wouldn't have happened.

[836] Or we say, I'm sorry you felt that way.

[837] I'm sorry you felt that way.

[838] Those are not – like none of those are actually repairs.

[839] And if that's what a kid has been used to, they're going to keep a parent more at bay.

[840] So is it safe to say that we can always come back to making the kid feel real and safe?

[841] I believe you is a great place to start.

[842] And the reason I keep coming back to these simple things is that – simple but very, very potent by the way.

[843] In the real -world landscape of parenting, family, and life, things are happening really fast.

[844] And it's very dynamic.

[845] And it's multifaceted.

[846] I mean, we haven't even talked yet about how when there's two parents, like the one that didn't yell.

[847] When there's multiple siblings.

[848] I mean, there's human dynamics in another landscape is hard enough.

[849] And then when you start introducing the real -world landscape, things happen fast.

[850] So having something that people can reach to really quickly, what I call in the landscape of stress modulation, which is something that I'm more familiar with from my lab's work, is real -time tools.

[851] Real -time tools.

[852] We're all at our best after meditation, vacation, massage, and a good night's sleep.

[853] But what about real -time tools when everything's hectic?

[854] So what does a really good apology look like?

[855] in the real world.

[856] Because a really good apology in the ideal world of Instagram is, yeah, I believe you.

[857] I'm so sorry.

[858] With no buts, no this and that.

[859] But a real apology sometimes is as you're boarding a plane or when there's a bunch of other things that are going on and you haven't even dealt with those yet.

[860] Or when you're on your way to an event.

[861] Okay, so.

[862] You got it.

[863] What does a really good internal landscape for apology look like?

[864] Like how can we touch into where we need to be?

[865] And then what are the words that even if we have to try again later and again and again later with that person, in this case kid, but person more generally, what's the like go -to solid apology?

[866] So yeah, I think you are never going to go wrong saying I believe you to your kid.

[867] Like obviously not if you say it randomly, but if they're really upset, you yelled at me. I believe you.

[868] Like if that's all you can remember, you're crushing it.

[869] I think a realistic repair, you have to do something for yourself.

[870] And like to me, it can be a very simple mantra.

[871] Like to me, I'm a good parent who is having a hard time is the one I use, honestly, over and over.

[872] And after I yell at my kid before, I'll like go to the bathroom sometimes and I'll say that to myself.

[873] Becky, like I'm a good parent having a hard time.

[874] And I'll kind of say it as many times as I need until I really do feel something like shift a little in my body.

[875] It just – because again, I think that phrase separates what I did from who I am, right?

[876] And then to me, a realistic apology, it could be super simple.

[877] If you remember nothing else, it could just be like, I'm sorry I yelled.

[878] That's great.

[879] If you want to – if you're like, I'm feeling it, Becky.

[880] Give me that next step.

[881] You know, I'm sorry I yelled.

[882] Just like you, I'm working on managing my emotions.

[883] And, you know, next time, even when I'm frustrated, I'm going to try to stay calm.

[884] Something about the next time, you know, if you want to throw in that it's not your fault.

[885] Kids, it seems an odd thing because parents are like, why do kids assume it's their fault?

[886] It is their default position.

[887] And so it's never a bad thing to throw in.

[888] But honestly, just simply, hey, I'm sorry I yelled.

[889] That actually gives them that realness because without saying anything more, you're saying that thing you think happened did happen.

[890] So that's powerful.

[891] How do you suggest parents deal with retorts and rudeness?

[892] And again, let's extend this to all relationships.

[893] So you get in your best mindset.

[894] And by the way, I love this I am thing.

[895] Two of the most important words in any language.

[896] When translated to other languages, I am blank.

[897] I am a good this or I am whatever role identity is key to the brain.

[898] We know this.

[899] You go in and you say, I'm really sorry.

[900] I struggle to regulate my emotions.

[901] I believe that you're really upset.

[902] And the kid says, I hate you.

[903] Now, earlier you said that good boundaries are about.

[904] Not expecting a change in behavior from someone else.

[905] They're about our own boundaries.

[906] Or maybe the I hate you comes from, listen, we're not going to go to so -and -so's house for a play date today.

[907] Great example.

[908] I hate you.

[909] I hate you.

[910] So is there ever a case for no response?

[911] I mean, to me, the most underutilized parenting strategy is doing nothing.

[912] Literally.

[913] It's one of my most used strategies.

[914] And there's, like, really good reason for it, especially in this situation.

[915] So I always, to me, like, I always say we have to understand before we intervene.

[916] So I know every parent's like, what do you do in that situation?

[917] But it's like trying to fix someone's tennis swing before you, like, look at their tennis swing, right?

[918] Like, there could be a lot of problems.

[919] So, again, why is a kid saying I hate you?

[920] And I would ask every parent to just keep this in mind.

[921] It's a tool.

[922] And you can't use it in real time.

[923] Eventually you can, but we have to say it at, like, the end of the night.

[924] When my kid said I hate you.

[925] what is my most generous interpretation of why he would say that to me?

[926] And if you're like any human, me included, by the way, like your least generous interpretation is immediate.

[927] You're like, because he's a sociopath.

[928] Like that's what we say all the time.

[929] We're like, wow, or because he's like a horrible kid, because he's spoiled, because he's nasty.

[930] It comes easily.

[931] So that's fine.

[932] But what is my most generous interpretation?

[933] And when I don't know, I'll push myself to say, okay, well, like I was in a situation with my husband.

[934] What would lead me to say that?

[935] What would lead you to say that to someone?

[936] That I hate them?

[937] Yeah, like they say something to you like, hey, Andrew, we're not going to be able to do this dinner.

[938] It would have to be some sort of deep betrayal of trust.

[939] And I have to acknowledge that if I said that to somebody that I really care about or love, as I'm saying I hate you, what I'm really saying is I love you so much and that hurts unbelievably.

[940] such an unbelievable intensity that what's coming out of my mouth is I hate you because if you, because if you didn't love them.

[941] That's right.

[942] It would have null effect.

[943] It would be a meh.

[944] It would be, it would be a, it would be a meh, but instead it's a, oh, it hurts.

[945] So we, somehow there's a neural circuit in there that goes, you know, I, whatever, insert explicit, hate you.

[946] That's right.

[947] But what you're really saying is I love you so much.

[948] Yeah.

[949] And as a consequence, that thing you did or said.

[950] Hurts so much.

[951] That's right.

[952] And so I think that's, like, exactly what's going on for a kid.

[953] Or, like, to me, my most generous interpretation in a simple way is my kid, when I said we couldn't go to this friend's house that he thought we were going to, his friend he was going to sleep over, he had, like, so built it up in his mind.

[954] He'd, like, probably, like, kids do.

[955] Like, they have this whole image.

[956] Oh, and then we're going to do this and this.

[957] And, like, the letdown was so intense.

[958] Again, I go back to kids have all the feelings we have and they're born with none of the skills.

[959] So it takes a pretty well -developed skill to be really disappointed, by the way, and surprised in the moment and manage it in a mature way.

[960] I'm sure we both know adults who aren't really capable of doing that.

[961] So the fact that my 7 -year -old is doing that.

[962] So if I think about it that way.

[963] We latch on to our kids' words as if they're the truth.

[964] They're not the truth.

[965] It's not to say they don't matter, but they're not the truth.

[966] The truth is whatever world is under the words.

[967] Like, I'm disappointed and I don't know how to manage that.

[968] So if I think about the outcome, like, where do I want to be?

[969] What I would love in that situation.

[970] Because the truth is, when I say to my kid, sorry, we can't go to Bobby's house, I wouldn't even want, it's not normal for my kid to be like, oh, no problem.

[971] Because, like, I would, I'm just picturing my 25 year old, like trying to get a job and being like, mom, oh, I didn't get it.

[972] And then he's like, no problem.

[973] I'm like, that's kind of weird.

[974] Like, really?

[975] Like, that's weird.

[976] Like, I'd want you to be disappointed.

[977] And so what I want my kid to be able to do is to be like, I don't know, what's the best it gets?

[978] Like, oh man, I was really looking forward to that.

[979] That's like ultimate maturity.

[980] So how do I get from I hate you to, oh man, I was really like, you know, looking forward to that.

[981] All the things we want to do just, like, don't even make sense.

[982] Like, sending my kid to their room saying, like, you're such a nasty kid.

[983] I've never seen any of your friends say that to their parents.

[984] And I'm good at acting these things out because, of course, I say these things too.

[985] But all I'm doing is basically telling my kid the version of themselves I don't want them to be.

[986] So now I'm further away from that outcome, which is not effective.

[987] My kid obviously literally needs to learn some of those skills and practice them.

[988] We don't think about simulations with kids nearly enough.

[989] We know that in sports.

[990] People practice all the time.

[991] We don't do that with emotion regulation.

[992] So what do I do in the moment?

[993] I think the best question here is what do I do outside the moment to help my kid build the skills so they actually have more of a skill the next time that moment comes?

[994] Still, I'm a pragmatist.

[995] What do I do in the moment?

[996] I hate you.

[997] I probably would do nothing first.

[998] When someone is rude to you and they say something nasty, I don't know, this is my son, this is me. My son just hurled, I hate you.

[999] It's like sitting between us.

[1000] When we say back to them, like, You know, I hate you.

[1001] Or like, go to your room.

[1002] We take all the energy from what they said and we just like throw it.

[1003] And then like we have this ping pong match.

[1004] When you do nothing, I always picture if this is like the I hate you, it just sits between us.

[1005] My kid has a much higher chance of kind of reowning what they just said because I'm just kind of sturdy in that moment.

[1006] Because I didn't just take it from them and say something to them, which just gives them the opportunity to like.

[1007] Take what I said and have no responsibility for the first thing they said.

[1008] It's always true in adults.

[1009] When someone says to you, like, something nasty, if you actually just stay there, they're kind of like, oh, shoot.

[1010] Like, I shouldn't have said that.

[1011] Because, like, it's right there.

[1012] So I'd probably say nothing.

[1013] Now, a couple – I don't know if I'd really do that, but I'd want to do that.

[1014] Let me be clear.

[1015] Something else you can say in that moment, which takes a lot of presence so it's not going to happen right away, is just something like, whoa.

[1016] Like, clearly you're disappointed.

[1017] I get that.

[1018] I believe you.

[1019] And I know there's another way you can say that to me. That's actually right back to family jobs.

[1020] I'm validating.

[1021] And I'm setting kind of a boundary in some ways.

[1022] Like I know maybe there's a hope there too.

[1023] Like I know there's another way.

[1024] If my kid keeps saying, I hate you.

[1025] I hate you.

[1026] You're the worst.

[1027] You're the worst.

[1028] I'm going to say, listen, I love you.

[1029] You're a good kid.

[1030] You're having a hard time.

[1031] I really won't stay in your room while you keep saying this to me. And part of that is because it's not good for you either.

[1032] Like this isn't a good dynamic.

[1033] I'm going to step outside.

[1034] I'm going to come back.

[1035] And we can talk about it when we're both in a place where we can be a little more respectful or something like that, right?

[1036] You don't have to be a punching bag.

[1037] But at least now I'm helping my kid see that he is having a feeling under these words.

[1038] If I can't differentiate the feeling from the behavior, how can I expect my kid to ever learn?

[1039] to differentiate those two, which is how my kid can actually get to a more regulated place.

[1040] I've sometimes wondered whether or not parents are either afraid of or not afraid enough of their kids.

[1041] I've known some parents that are afraid of their kids because – and perhaps as a consequence, who knows what the chicken egg is there.

[1042] All we know is the parent was alive first.

[1043] Kids learn to control their parents through not necessarily emotional outbursts, but the threat of emotional outbursts.

[1044] I've seen this again and again.

[1045] And it's a pretty wild thing to observe.

[1046] And of course, as an observer, it's far easier than when you're in it.

[1047] But this idea like, well, like they're like a pot ready to boil.

[1048] boil over, you know, like they're going to pop.

[1049] And I've seen this in teachers in the classroom.

[1050] I've seen this in so many venues where whether or not the child understands that they're somehow controlling the situation or not, that there's just an inherent fear of what could happen.

[1051] And then I think kids feel a certain power, but they don't feel safe, right?

[1052] I mean, how could they, right?

[1053] They're children.

[1054] Yes.

[1055] For the parents out there that are afraid of their kids' potential responses and or how bad their kid, quote unquote, might turn out if they were to really lay down the law.

[1056] Here, I'm using kind of old school language.

[1057] But listen, I grew up, you know, I'm 48 years old.

[1058] So, you know, yeah, I mean, my parents, you know, didn't physically abuse us.

[1059] But there might have been a spanking every once in a while.

[1060] I don't know what the rule is nowadays or the standard out there.

[1061] You know, I think.

[1062] I won't say which, but I might have taken a smack here or there, but not many.

[1063] And there was also a lot of love.

[1064] But clearly, and here I'm not supporting the use of corporal punishment.

[1065] I want to be very clear.

[1066] But kids can be tough.

[1067] And then also, it wasn't long into my high school years when I was physically larger than both my parents.

[1068] I never used that to intimidate them.

[1069] But I have to imagine when your kid is larger than you, if you were already psychologically afraid of them, now you – it's clear to both of you that the tables have turned.

[1070] That's right.

[1071] Right?

[1072] I'm talking about the unconscious, semi -conscious aspects of this.

[1073] I'm not talking about who can – obviously physical fights.

[1074] There's not something I ever want to see or participate in a household.

[1075] So this is an amazing topic, like walking on eggshells.

[1076] This is right.

[1077] And this is – terrifying to a kid.

[1078] Because again, if a kid is trying to figure out, like, am I real and am I safe?

[1079] Kids do experience feelings in such an intense way because they don't have any of those skills and they're so surprising and they're so visceral that it is scary to them.

[1080] And there are kind of, especially these groups of kids, I call them deeply feeling kids, that do feel things more intensely.

[1081] And they do have more of these Big, massive tantrums.

[1082] They even look animalistic often during.

[1083] They try to scratch you.

[1084] They'll hiss during them.

[1085] They'll growl.

[1086] Hiss, really?

[1087] Yes.

[1088] I grew up with some biters.

[1089] Yeah.

[1090] Kids that bite.

[1091] Yes.

[1092] Because, again, those are just feelings literally uncontained that are exploding out.

[1093] And where do they explode out?

[1094] Through your extremities.

[1095] So that's really what it is.

[1096] And so what will happen, and this is this really unfortunate dance, and one of my favorite things to help people turn around, is then – kids kind of sense from a parent, like, I really am as toxic as I worried I was, right?

[1097] And again, if we go back to that pilot thing, like I think about a pilot who's like, we have to make an emergency landing.

[1098] We're not going to be able to go to LA and we're all going to land in Cleveland, whatever it is.

[1099] I picture the passenger who's like, you are going to take us to LA.

[1100] And the pilot's like, okay, okay.

[1101] Like, can you imagine?

[1102] You're like, It doesn't matter that this person is pissed.

[1103] Like, you're the pilot.

[1104] You don't have to keep us happy.

[1105] Please keep us safe.

[1106] And if you're on that plane and you're terrified because you're going to make an emergency landing, I promise you you're way more terrified when you hear this person change the decision because of the threat that a passenger is going to be very, very upset.

[1107] That is actually what we do when we're walking around on eggshells.

[1108] Now, the alternative to this, again, we live in this world in parenting where there's a binary, where we say, and you said it yourself, so I'm going to lay down the law.

[1109] Like, I don't recommend that either.

[1110] Like, especially with a kid like that, that's not going to be the best solution.

[1111] These kids have to be seen as good kids.

[1112] They are good kids.

[1113] And when I meet with parents of these kids, I hear about them.

[1114] And, like, I always say I hear about them, and I have a kid like this, so I get it.

[1115] And I'm just like, I really like your kid.

[1116] And they're like, what?

[1117] I was like, I do.

[1118] And they're like, and then they usually start crying.

[1119] And they go, you're literally the first person in 11 years who's ever said that.

[1120] Including, like, the parents.

[1121] Like, you like our kid, why?

[1122] I'm like, they're tenacious.

[1123] They know what they want.

[1124] They seem like they have 0 % people pleasing in them.

[1125] These kids will change the world.

[1126] But not if they're boundaryless.

[1127] Then they'll become tyrants.

[1128] And that's really terrifying.

[1129] And I'm going to teach you how to be the sturdy leader, which is equally firm as it is warm.

[1130] And that's going to start today.

[1131] And so like here's an example of these deeply feeling kids.

[1132] I think you said something about like watching like a TV show where these kids, it feels like they hold the family emotionally hostage, right?

[1133] And because if you don't pick the movie that they want to watch on family movie night, they will scream, they will cry, and they will do that.

[1134] For three hours.

[1135] They will.

[1136] Other kids after you're like, they don't peter out, these kids.

[1137] These kids, interestingly enough, get in an awful cycle with their parents because they have such intense emotions more often, which more escalations, which tend to get met with invalidation.

[1138] You're so dramatic.

[1139] You ruin everything.

[1140] They are that much more desperate to be believed.

[1141] They escalate further.

[1142] You can understand how that would lead to more distance and invalidation.

[1143] And we're off to the races in a bad direction.

[1144] And I would say to the parents, during family movie night tomorrow night, this is what you're going to do.

[1145] And you're going to, by the way, I would say, this is how concrete I get.

[1146] You're going to write this down and you're going to say it to a voice recorder with your own voice.

[1147] And I want you to play it back and see how sturdy you sound.

[1148] And they'll often do it and they'll be like, wow, I didn't even believe myself when I said that.

[1149] I'm so scared of my child, right?

[1150] You're going to do it again.

[1151] And then you're going to do it again.

[1152] And this is just like any other skill we practice.

[1153] And you're going to say to your kid, look, I know in this family.

[1154] You know, Bobby, usually we let him pick the movie.

[1155] He gets really upset.

[1156] If not, we all, tonight's going to be different.

[1157] Bobby, it is your sister's turn to pick the movie.

[1158] And I know you're going to be upset.

[1159] And I just want to tell you exactly what's going to happen.

[1160] And in this example, I'm saying there's a two -family household, which is an assumption.

[1161] But even if there's one, if you're super upset and screaming, I'm going to bring you to your room.

[1162] And this is important.

[1163] I'm going to sit with you.

[1164] And I'm going to stay there.

[1165] And this is a line.

[1166] that I know from our Deeply Feeling Kid workshop has really, and you have to believe it to say it, I am not scared of your feelings.

[1167] And I know parents will say to me, but Dr. Becky, I am scared of their feelings.

[1168] I'm like, yeah, you're going to fake it till you make it.

[1169] They need to hear that.

[1170] Because if you think about the image of these kids, their feelings feel so overpowering to them.

[1171] They feel more, but they're actually more porous to the world.

[1172] So they both have more coming in.

[1173] And they're actually always terrified of how much of them can flow out.

[1174] And so they feel their feelings that way.

[1175] It's almost like my tantrum in the house takes up the entire living room.

[1176] That's why you actually have to bring them to a smaller room.

[1177] And you actually have to contain them in that way as a way of kind of saying, like, it only goes this far.

[1178] Like, literally.

[1179] I will not let you dictate family movie and always sitting in the front seat and your favorite chair at dinner.

[1180] It only goes this far.

[1181] love and protection and safety for those kids.

[1182] How often do you observe that these deeply feeling kids, is that how they're referred to?

[1183] I made up the term, so, but yeah, deeply feeling kids.

[1184] You are qualified to.

[1185] So deeply feeling kids also express these deep feelings in the positive sense.

[1186] I mean, cause I can think of some kids I grew up with and I can look at my own experience of like, it's hard to know.

[1187] We don't have a calibration point.

[1188] It's not like body temperature of like how much I feel versus how much you feel.

[1189] We look at the external expression of these things.

[1190] Like did the, did the lacrimal glands secrete some tears or not?

[1191] Like, you know, as you were talking about this, this thing before I'd noticed, I like weld up a little bit.

[1192] And I'm thinking, yeah, like I can remember seeing things and feeling things and like, whoa, it's a really big inside.

[1193] I don't remember screaming at my parents, telling them I hate them.

[1194] I probably did at some point.

[1195] But I have observed other kids, peers that grew up that clearly fell into this category.

[1196] have gone on to do remarkable things.

[1197] Yes.

[1198] Remarkable, like extraordinary things.

[1199] Because it's a capacity that doesn't always skew towards a negative expression.

[1200] It can also like immense expressions of love.

[1201] And, you know, I think these days that there's a tendency to – for unqualified or like truly unqualified people because they're not trained to do so, to slap labels like borderline, right?

[1202] Splitting, like good object, bad object, splitting.

[1203] And indeed that exists in the – as a diagnosis and symptoms of borderline.

[1204] But that we punish rather than believe and observe that these things exist.

[1205] There's range in nervous system tuning and affect.

[1206] So put simply, do deeply feeling kids also tend to express love and joy and positive emotions with the same intensity or near same intensity?

[1207] I would say it depends on like – it depends on – Kind of their stage of development and the nature of the interactions they've kind of received back.

[1208] I think deeply feeling kids, I always say, are super sensors.

[1209] Like if you have one of these kids and I have one of these kids, we live in New York City.

[1210] She will not go into a New York City garage, okay, like where we park our car.

[1211] And she's like, the smell.

[1212] And the rest of us are like, what are you talking about?

[1213] Meanwhile, I have another friend who lives in a totally different area of Manhattan, and she's a deeply feeling kid.

[1214] She's like.

[1215] My daughter, the same thing.

[1216] Like, I actually believe that my daughter smells something that I don't smell.

[1217] Like, they are super sensors in that way, right?

[1218] And she notices the little detail of something.

[1219] Now, in terms of the intense love, I think for these kids, their vulnerability sits so close to their shame.

[1220] This is why they get so explosive.

[1221] They almost experience their feelings as attackers, which is, again, why parents can get.

[1222] Scared of them.

[1223] And they do.

[1224] Because, again, they feel that feeling so intensely that they have this deep fear of abandonment, of being too much.

[1225] And so that shame tries to shut it down, although it obviously doesn't work and it explodes.

[1226] What I've noticed with deeply feeling kids, and this to me is actually like truly my proudest body of work.

[1227] And you mentioned borderline, so we'll go there.

[1228] People have said like these sound almost like kids who are like have some predilection.

[1229] to, to borderline.

[1230] And obviously having gone to a PhD program, we're told a lot about invalidating environments and things like that.

[1231] I'm not really one for labels either, but I just got so much insight from my, honestly, my own kid where I was like, wow, like she is so different in how she processes things and what she needs and how she responds to my very same interactions as my other kids.

[1232] Like they're very different.

[1233] And that fear of abandonment and being too much, it was like, it was like there from the start.

[1234] It really feels like it was like there.

[1235] What's so interesting is I feel like through working with her, by the way, in a very different way, because these kids reject almost every typical parenting strategy.

[1236] You go to validate these kids' feelings, it's like you're trying to intrude on them and steal their heart.

[1237] Because if you think about their porousness, they're so terrified of being taken over that when you're like seeing a feeling, they feel like you're like seeing into them.

[1238] And so they reject you.

[1239] I always say you can't go in the front door with these kids.

[1240] You've got to like find these side door approaches.

[1241] But now of all my kids.

[1242] She is by far the cuddliest, the most loving, the most emphatic about our relationship this trip.

[1243] Now, I'm going to miss you so much.

[1244] Like, the idea when she was four that any of that, I would say to someone, like, you are crazy.

[1245] You are talking about a different kid.

[1246] So I think that, yes, that deep love is there.

[1247] And we just have to kind of make it a little safer for those kids to access it.

[1248] Kind of general statements that one can still make accurately about differences in the expression or perhaps even the experience of deeply feeling kids in boys versus girls.

[1249] Great question.

[1250] I actually haven't noticed a ton.

[1251] There might be.

[1252] I'd love to look more into that.

[1253] But in terms of I want to be accurate, I haven't noticed that yet.

[1254] I think one of the things you know you have one of these kids.

[1255] Is if you know the moments when you're a parent where your kid like needs you.

[1256] Like they're – and in those moments, your kids push you away.

[1257] They push you away when they need you the most.

[1258] That's like I think a really common quality for those kids.

[1259] And how common is this?

[1260] I sound like such a, like a biologist, this deeply feeling kid, a phenotype.

[1261] I don't want to, you know, I don't want to lessen the importance of what you're saying by saying it that way, because actually what I think you're saying is incredibly important, resonates with me on a lot of different levels.

[1262] in fact.

[1263] So, but as far as I know, it's not a DSM diagnosis and thank goodness it's not because that would pathologize it.

[1264] That's right.

[1265] Right?

[1266] Yep.

[1267] So, but, you know, of the, you know, in a classroom, let's say like in a big classroom, a hundred kids.

[1268] Yeah.

[1269] How many of those kids, and I'm guessing it's a continuum, but would fall into this category of deeply feeling?

[1270] I think you're right.

[1271] It's a continuum.

[1272] connecting topics I know you've spoken about, I've been doing a lot of looking into this overlap with deeply feeling kids and neurodivergence and ADHD.

[1273] And what I think is interesting about that is we have these workshops, these deeply feeling kid workshops, and a lot of them we do live, and there's this whole chat, right?

[1274] And I'll say these things, and they're definitely ideas they haven't heard, but what I think is more healing is thousands of people in the chat saying, I thought when I say the hissing thing, the chat is like a waterfall.

[1275] I thought I was the only one.

[1276] I thought, so like there are so many of these kids.

[1277] Why I think there's more and more is something I need to look more into.

[1278] But I think it does really, if you think about these kids as more porous and you think about how insanely stimulating the world is that we bring up kids, what comes into them, it would make sense that I think this is like a growing type.

[1279] I'm guessing it's similar with.

[1280] ADHD too.

[1281] I have so many more kids diagnosed than in the past.

[1282] The world we bring up kids in, the sensory overload, if you're kind of that much more porous, that's going to overload your system.

[1283] And I think that's also why more and more kids are.

[1284] So what's the percentage?

[1285] I don't know.

[1286] Like maybe 20?

[1287] That's a fairly high percentage.

[1288] I do.

[1289] I think it's a fairly high percentage.

[1290] But that feels right.

[1291] It just sort of feels right based on my observation of adults also.

[1292] Yeah.

[1293] Feels right.

[1294] Might also explain a lot of the apparent conflicts and misunderstandings in adult relationships.

[1295] That's – and we – I mean so many people like they'll say to me, I was – oh my goodness.

[1296] Like that was like years of therapy for me watching that.

[1297] I thought I would took that from my kid.

[1298] Like this was me and I finally – talking about I believe you, that's what – I mean deeply feeling kids are desperate.

[1299] to be believed, and they're desperate for our attempts to connect with them because their deep fear is their unlovability.

[1300] And so they do reject typical – it's a stance.

[1301] Get out of my room.

[1302] Fine.

[1303] You're so difficult.

[1304] And then see, I really am as unlovable and bad as I worried I was, right?

[1305] Unless we kind of reverse that cycle.

[1306] I'd be willing to bet my life that most of the ultra -successful performing artists that we observe I'm not going to name names, but just think of ultra successful that the people whose words, music, poetry, writing, acting, presence evokes immense emotion in other people so much that people will pay money to see these people express their emotions and what's inside them fall into this deeply feeling category.

[1307] 100%.

[1308] I mean, it just can't be any other way.

[1309] Right.

[1310] Yeah.

[1311] The muted performer, unless that's the.

[1312] the shtick, so to speak, is just not compelling.

[1313] Yeah.

[1314] Yeah.

[1315] And a lot of what we're talking today is about the kind of tuning fork nature of emotions.

[1316] So, wow, what a tricky balance.

[1317] Speaking of that, I'd like to just return to something I raised earlier and then I made the mistake.

[1318] It was my fault of shutting the hatch on it.

[1319] I'd like to reopen that hatch, which is when there's two parents.

[1320] Maybe they're under the same roof.

[1321] Maybe they're not.

[1322] Or let's just say two.

[1323] Caretakers.

[1324] So kids are pretty darn good at figuring out who to go to for what and how to balance out negative experiences by seeking out the positive reinforcement of the other, sometimes even pitting parents and caretakers against one another.

[1325] I mean, it makes children sound diabolical, but adults do it too.

[1326] It's called gossip.

[1327] co -parents, co -caretakers do to try and align strategies or if necessary to offset some like bad stuff that the other parent might be doing.

[1328] And in today's landscape where it's about 50 % of marriages end in divorce, at least in the US, you also have the situation where then there are new significant others come in and now you've extended the landscape to sometimes.

[1329] five or six different parents.

[1330] My biological family is starting to look like the UN.

[1331] We've got so many countries and religions and this thing.

[1332] It's kind of nice on the one hand, but lots of divergence of opinion and emotional stance and background.

[1333] So how in the world do we wrap our efforts around this?

[1334] Yeah.

[1335] So one of the most common questions I get from a parent at Goodin side is like, can you convince my partner why the way they do things is wrong?

[1336] do things more like good inside.

[1337] And so essentially I always say like, yeah, I'm not for a million reasons.

[1338] I'm not like too interested in taking that phone call.

[1339] Um, you know, but I don't get involved in couple disputes either.

[1340] Um, you know, but, but again, assuming, and you've said this a couple of times, which I love, like I'm assuming the way you're a kind of partner or, you know, the co -parent does things.

[1341] It's not like really like damaging your child.

[1342] Obviously that's like really time for an intervention.

[1343] No hitting, no emotional abuse.

[1344] Exactly.

[1345] But you know, even like, I'm not a believer of saying for a timeout, Right?

[1346] Like I don't believe in timeouts and punishments.

[1347] I don't think they feel good to kids or parents.

[1348] And I also don't think they're effective.

[1349] So timeout's not effective?

[1350] I don't think so.

[1351] Okay.

[1352] And we probably should have closed the hatch on – I have to imagine that the going word in the profession of psychology and raising kids properly is you never spank them, you never hit them.

[1353] Yeah, no. Okay.

[1354] All right.

[1355] For the record.

[1356] So maybe we'll get back there.

[1357] But just to go on the record and I think you can sense from my style.

[1358] Not punishing or timeouts doesn't mean you're permissive at all.

[1359] There's 0 % permissive or even softness, I think.

[1360] There's softness.

[1361] There's 0 % permissive in those moments.

[1362] But we can get back there.

[1363] But let's say your partner does do that or the co -parent, right?

[1364] I would be the first to say to someone, do I think that that's messing up your kid?

[1365] I don't.

[1366] I really don't.

[1367] Especially if, for example, in that situation, let's say, um, I'm divorced and my now ex, you know, I just know that they do timeouts or this, and I've tried to talk to them, but you know, whatever, they're not getting on board with the style.

[1368] And to me, what happens is like, you have a kid, they come back to you and they're like, you know, um, Papa gave me a timeout and we don't do that in my house.

[1369] And my first thing is I call my ex.

[1370] That's usually what I do or the school did this.

[1371] And I called school, I called the ex and I'm like, why did you do that?

[1372] We don't do that.

[1373] What I think is really important.

[1374] And I actually find it very like relieving.

[1375] as a parent, be like, what's actually most important is helping my kid understand their experience.

[1376] Like we center the other person and what they're doing wrong, wrong, instead of centering our kid.

[1377] We might need to call a parent, the other parent, and say like, hey, it would be really great to get on the same page.

[1378] Could we do this course together?

[1379] That would just be great.

[1380] You don't have to agree with anything.

[1381] I think that would be great.

[1382] But in that moment, what my kid needs actually is more like, wait, that's kind of hard, confusing.

[1383] So like in our house, when you do something, like you scream, I hate you, you know, I intervene in one way.

[1384] And when you go to your dad's house, he intervenes in a very different way.

[1385] It's a lot of like, it's a lot of switching to make sense of, you know, or maybe my kid says, mom never apologizes to me after she yells.

[1386] And I would call, you know, or maybe it's my own wife.

[1387] And I'm like, hey, know the importance of repair.

[1388] Haven't you listened to all this literature?

[1389] You know.

[1390] I would like to have some influence on that.

[1391] But what I feel like my kid needs in the moment is more like, tell me what happened.

[1392] Oh, oh, she yelled at you.

[1393] And yeah, look, something I know, like I know mom was, I know she had a really stressful day at work.

[1394] And look, this isn't your responsibility, but you can just know this.

[1395] Mom has a really hard time apologizing to her, has a really hard time apologizing.

[1396] And actually when people have a hard time apologizing, they seem cold and like they don't care.

[1397] They actually usually just feel so ashamed of what they did.

[1398] And the reason I'm telling you that is not because you have to take care of her, but just so you know this so wasn't you.

[1399] And anytime something happens with mom that doesn't feel good and you feel like you can't resolve it, like, you can talk to me. And I'm going to get out of role play for a sec, but I think you can see, like, I'm not throwing my wife under the bus, like, at all.

[1400] But I'm centering what my kid needs.

[1401] What my kid needs going back is they need to process that experience with an adult they feel safe with rather than be in aloneness.

[1402] And I often picture like this kid on the couch who tells me a problem at their dad's house or at school and I like go off to make a call and I picture them alone being like, oh, like now I'm alone.

[1403] Like I didn't really want you to go do that.

[1404] I just wanted you to like listen to me, you know.

[1405] There might then be a step two, you know, to kind of get on the same page.

[1406] Or when parents say get on the same page, I think the problem is that we're not like looking at the same page.

[1407] Forget getting on the same page.

[1408] We're not even speaking the same language.

[1409] People will say to me, my partner won't even watch a video with me, that I just want to even, even if they disagree.

[1410] That is the problem.

[1411] And frankly, that's not a parenting problem.

[1412] That's also what I'll say to someone.

[1413] If you say to your partner, look, I've been a member of Good Inside and it's been really helpful and it resonates and you don't have to agree with it, but like, I would love to watch this four minute video.

[1414] If your partner says no, that has nothing to do with parenting.

[1415] That is a core relationship problem.

[1416] that they just don't care to do something that you say is important to you.

[1417] That's a marriage problem.

[1418] And I think it's really important.

[1419] And we talk about this a lot.

[1420] If that was someone I'd coach them to say, hey, and you don't have to agree, but if you don't commit to watching a four -minute video with me and just talking about it a little bit, and I promise I'll try not to be judgy or provy.

[1421] I'll just listen.

[1422] I don't really think we're talking about parenting.

[1423] I think you're telling me you don't really respect me enough to do the things I'm asking you to do.

[1424] That'll stick with me. That's the way I'd handle it.

[1425] Yeah, this is very helpful.

[1426] I'm curious about these ADHD diagnoses slash kids because there's a lot of loose hand diagnosis these days.

[1427] Years ago, I was a camp counselor, took kids backpacking, and I learned an important concept of when working with adolescent and teenage boys, which is...

[1428] Be a channel, not a dam.

[1429] When they're super energetic, they're not sitting still.

[1430] It's not nap time.

[1431] There's just no way.

[1432] So this notion of getting it out, like allowing some place for physical or emotional catharsis that's safe, obviously.

[1433] And that kids have a lot of energy.

[1434] I mean, damn it, the adult population seems to be trying to regress themselves to have that energy.

[1435] So how can we blame them for having so much energy?

[1436] Of course, there are children who have – and adults with clinically diagnosed ADHD that really struggle.

[1437] But for the kid that's more energetic, maybe even has a hard time sitting still to the point of discomfort, and when the rest of the world that we can't control is telling them like, hey, like your kid is – like needs to be regulated on the subway, on the bus, in the classroom.

[1438] What are some things that we can do in terms of communication with those kids?

[1439] And probably some of those kids are listening as well.

[1440] And to just be a channel, not a dam, to allow their best expression to come forward.

[1441] Yeah.

[1442] I mean I love this idea in general.

[1443] Like we – it's much more effective to tell anyone what they can do rather than telling them what they can't do.

[1444] Right?

[1445] Across the board with kids because there's usually a can.

[1446] That is possible.

[1447] And then like you can work with the urge instead of – I don't even know, trying to suppress it or have it not act itself out.

[1448] It's like our urges and feelings, our forces, like they're going to come out.

[1449] And so, yes, I think this idea of like me and my kid are on the same team here.

[1450] I think that's so important to start with.

[1451] And you can definitely, you know, if you have a kid with some intentional, you know, struggles, like we're on the same team.

[1452] You can so easily get into me against you.

[1453] And then you look to shut down anything, everything about them.

[1454] But yeah, we're on the same team.

[1455] So let's say like it's hard to do homework right now.

[1456] I see you, okay, like let's take an amount of time.

[1457] And it seems like you have a lot of energy.

[1458] Like let's do some heavy work or let's run outside.

[1459] And maybe homework always has to start after a period like that.

[1460] Maybe they need a break.

[1461] But this idea of, yes, I'm working with my kid as opposed to against my kid is always going to be more successful.

[1462] Do you think that some of the new emerging tools, some of which I've talked a lot about, but many, many people have talked a lot about things like meditation, kids doing some long exhale breathing, in addition to the way I grew up, it was like PE time or recess time, you run around like crazy.

[1463] Do you think that these tools are helping kids get some self -regulation or is whatever self -regulation?

[1464] they're gaining offset by the fact that there's just so much more input.

[1465] We hear so much about the challenges of social media for adults, but certainly for kids, bullying, obviously being one of the more salient ones, but also just the fact that when they go home at night and they're in bed, they're potentially still in interactions with their friends.

[1466] We used to have a phone landline that we'd sometimes call one another on.

[1467] I wasn't really much of a phone kid with my friends.

[1468] So when you're home, you're home.

[1469] You were separated from all of that.

[1470] I mean how bad is it and what are some things that parents and kids might consider?

[1471] Yeah.

[1472] I mean meditation, things like that, like always like icing on the cake.

[1473] Like that's always helpful and certainly like teaching kids real tools.

[1474] Like those are like – literally something I can do I've learned this meditation I have a mantra something like that like huge fan right you have to be able to like touch it in some way but to me I think what's coming up is you bring up this larger point and it actually goes back to where we started it's like the cost to children of parents not being able to set boundaries has never been higher And at the same time, it's never been harder for parents to set boundaries.

[1475] And I think this stuff starts way before social media.

[1476] To me, when I think about the earliest years of a kid's life, you get so much bang for your buck in life from helping kids just learn to tolerate frustration.

[1477] And so much of kids' early life right now in the world we live in is all about the immediate escape from frustration.

[1478] And not only escape from frustration, but from frustration to gratification in, like, an instant.

[1479] It's, like, so fast.

[1480] Like, how did that just happen?

[1481] Like, it didn't used to be like that.

[1482] There wasn't even an option.

[1483] Like, me and you, like, I don't know, you wanted a movie.

[1484] Like, I don't know, maybe your parent could drive you to Blockbuster if you had an account.

[1485] And then, like, maybe, I don't know, I remember going and being like, are they going to have it?

[1486] Are they going to have it?

[1487] And then you see the thing and there's nothing behind it.

[1488] And you're like, they don't have it.

[1489] Blockbuster, by the way, was a video store.

[1490] Just kidding.

[1491] I'm just totally kidding.

[1492] I'm totally kidding.

[1493] But somebody out there, like I sometimes do this to myself, you know?

[1494] Yeah, absolutely.

[1495] I used to love going to pick out movies at the VHS store.

[1496] But if you think about that as one tiny thing, it's obviously tiny.

[1497] And you think about like, I remember that in my childhood.

[1498] Anything about that tiny moment compared to some parallel in a kid?

[1499] There's no frustration.

[1500] The want and the gratification, there's zero space.

[1501] There is zero space.

[1502] And also I have to say our generation of parents and me too, 100 % me too, our tolerance for frustration has gone way down because of the gratification world we live in, which means our tolerance of our kids' tantrums is at an all -time low because we're like, hey, my life is like pretty easy in a lot of ways.

[1503] This is like a massive inconvenience.

[1504] So kids have more gratification than ever.

[1505] We have lower tolerances for frustration.

[1506] Everyone does.

[1507] Which means the way we interact with kids over and over and over plus just the natural things they're exposed to or not like Netflix versus Blockbuster just means like their circuitry around expectations and what feels good.

[1508] Like to me, that's what really – it scares me. It does.

[1509] And like figuring out.

[1510] How to tolerate or even insert, like literally insert frustration into your kid's life as early as possible to me is like – is of critical importance.

[1511] I could not agree more and I say that with the understanding that I have also shortened the latency in my reward prediction errors, which is nerd speak for when I want to watch a movie, I go into Netflix and they're like – near infinite and I can get right then.

[1512] If the internet's a little slow, then I start barking about how slow internet is worse than no internet.

[1513] And you start observing yourself and you just go, oh my goodness, what's going on?

[1514] I mean, the ability to tolerate different wait times between anticipation and reward is so critical.

[1515] And that's what getting a degree is about.

[1516] That's what doing anything challenging is about.

[1517] I've gone on record saying that Too much dopamine without effort exerted in order to get that dopamine is very detrimental.

[1518] Well, that to me and all the screen time kind of discussion, there's so much screen time and social media and like all the things that screen time do for kids.

[1519] And again, like my kids watch TV and they're young.

[1520] They have iPads.

[1521] Like I'm so not a purist.

[1522] I'm a pragmatist.

[1523] And whoever is listening to this, no one messed up their kids forever.

[1524] So we can just like we were talking about before, use this information to make slightly different decisions on the margin.

[1525] That's the best it gets.

[1526] But I think about this a lot.

[1527] When our kids are especially young and they're building this circuitry around like what does it mean to get success?

[1528] Like what are my expectations there?

[1529] How much effort do I have to put in?

[1530] And I think about like a young kid, you know, playing some mindless just dopamine -giving game.

[1531] The circuit they learn is like mindlessness, zero effort, dopamine.

[1532] And then I think and I find this.

[1533] Really interesting, like how many people say like their kid is six now, they're having a really hard time learning how to read.

[1534] And they're doing all these learning assessments and the learning assessments are coming back, like no dyslexia, right?

[1535] And I know some of these families, I say this with love, is I say, I literally think this is the first time in this kid's life that they kind of have to put like concerted effort without in the moment success.

[1536] And so, yeah, that looks like a lot of things.

[1537] It can even present like ADHD, right?

[1538] Because, you know, it can present like that.

[1539] It might be.

[1540] But it might also just be that these dopamine circuits have developed in a way that's not conducive with something like learning how to read, right?

[1541] And so when parents ask me now, like, I know reading and academic skills.

[1542] Like, what can I do when my kids are younger?

[1543] I got them flashcards.

[1544] No flashcards.

[1545] Like, I mean, you can get flashcards.

[1546] That's fine.

[1547] It's not like detrimental.

[1548] But to me, it's like, well, what is my kid's relationship with frustration?

[1549] Because I think about this thing called like the learning space, right?

[1550] Again, visual, like there's not knowing how to do something and then there's successfully doing something.

[1551] And the space in between is like the learning space.

[1552] That's what learning is.

[1553] And learning, the learning space inherently is frustrating.

[1554] That's like the right feeling.

[1555] to be feeling.

[1556] And when kids have learned to collapse those two things, then like they don't have a lot of space to learn versus, I don't know, even like I'm thinking about my kid who wants to like draw a rainbow or sun when they're young.

[1557] And they're like, that doesn't look like a sun.

[1558] It would be easy for me to be like, let me just do that for you.

[1559] And by the way, Yes, I give myself permission to do that sometimes.

[1560] Sometimes I can't deal with this.

[1561] I've got other things to do.

[1562] But sometimes I think in that long -term greedy, this is going to be the same circuit for learning how to read.

[1563] It is.

[1564] And for learning how to do that project.

[1565] And what if my only goal, forget them drawing a son, and I've got to tolerate the whining.

[1566] My only goal was just to lengthen the amount of time they let themselves be in that learning space.

[1567] That's it.

[1568] Because I think we know as adults, It's not about getting to success.

[1569] That comes when it comes.

[1570] The longer amount of time you let yourself be in that learning space, the more successful you can be with hard things because, like, it just is, right, you just got to traverse through.

[1571] And so to me that's, like, honestly one of the things I'm most passionate about teaching parents is, like, literally, like, what do you do during that time then?

[1572] How do I change what my goal is?

[1573] If my goal is to stop my kid's tantrum, I'm going to collapse it.

[1574] But if my goal is just to lengthen that, I might do something very different.

[1575] Drawing a circle.

[1576] That's not.

[1577] You're right.

[1578] You didn't want to draw that.

[1579] Oh, drawing a circle is so hard.

[1580] And my kids, can you do it for me?

[1581] Can you do that?

[1582] Like, of course, sometimes I will.

[1583] But I might say, like, I'm not going to do it, sweetie.

[1584] I'm not.

[1585] You know why?

[1586] Because I know you can do this a little more.

[1587] I have faith in you.

[1588] And I think this is so powerful to say to kids.

[1589] This is so frustrating.

[1590] And that's the exact way you should be feeling.

[1591] We don't want our kids to be fun.

[1592] That's the right feeling.

[1593] I'll even draw that learning space visual.

[1594] This is where you are.

[1595] You're doing an amazing job.

[1596] And it is actually interesting when kids are young.

[1597] They actually do adopt that.

[1598] Someone said to me, I've been doing this stuff for a while, and my kid literally says to me, I like to do hard things, Mom.

[1599] They believe it.

[1600] Like that's an amazing self -belief to develop in a kid.

[1601] That's awesome.

[1602] Right?

[1603] So yes, I think this stuff, especially compared to how easy it is to get that gratification, it's just – it's like more important than ever to have an offset.

[1604] Yeah.

[1605] I'm doing my best to get the word out into the world that the only reason the brain changes at all is if they're – is these neuromodulators like epinephrine, adrenaline in the body and brain because that's what signals that the nervous system needs to change.

[1606] If something can be accomplished, there's no reason for the nervous system to change by definition.

[1607] There's also, I don't want to spin off into a neuroscience of resilience and willpower lesson here, but there's some amazing literature that shows that there's this area of the brain, the anterior mid -cingulate cortex, which is activated when people do things they don't want to do.

[1608] And it generalizes to other things, but this is not the, I love to work out.

[1609] So I'm going to work out.

[1610] This is the, I hate to work out and I do it anyway.

[1611] And it translates to success in academic endeavors, success.

[1612] all sorts of environments and so i think um the beauty of it is that this brain structure is highly plastic and can be built up through one thing and that translates to others so doing hard things experiencing uh what i call limbic friction just as as a gateway to learning just understanding that it always feels hard yeah that's what learning is in fact i can remember in graduate school even as a young adult my mid -20s i was struggling with an analysis And my graduate advisor, she was wonderful this way.

[1613] And I said, she clearly knew how to do it.

[1614] And I said, can you explain how to do this?

[1615] And she goes, no. I was like, just get done.

[1616] And she's like, no, it's called learning.

[1617] And she just walked out.

[1618] She was also a great parent to her children.

[1619] And I also tried to get adopted by her and that failed.

[1620] Third time's the charm.

[1621] Exactly.

[1622] My poor parents.

[1623] They did their best and I'm grateful to them for many things.

[1624] But I think that including the encouragement to do hard things, do things that suck, that are beneficial for us.

[1625] So it's a knife edge, right?

[1626] Now I'm reflecting.

[1627] It's like do things that suck.

[1628] I believe you.

[1629] It sucks.

[1630] And then what did my mom used to say a lot?

[1631] You know, hate me now, love me later.

[1632] You know, I loved her then and I love her now.

[1633] But yeah, there were moments where I was like, I hate that you're making me do this.

[1634] I don't know about the hate me now, love me later.

[1635] Old school.

[1636] But I think what she was trying to say is I have your best interest in mind.

[1637] Definitely.

[1638] That's right.

[1639] Definitely.

[1640] Yeah.

[1641] No, definitely.

[1642] Can I say one thing just because it's loud in my head.

[1643] Just like one of the things in this like.

[1644] I think it's easy, and I'm hearing myself, like, we hear this, and I think it's easy to listen and be like, oh, man, I never thought about it that way, or I didn't know that.

[1645] Or, again, we just spiral as a parent so fast.

[1646] Like, I messed up my kid forever.

[1647] Like, nobody messed up their kid forever.

[1648] It doesn't matter how old.

[1649] It's just not true.

[1650] And this is where I think we can spiral into, like, yeah, what's wrong with me?

[1651] And, like, I kind of ask parents in this situation to, like, come with me to a different location, which is kind of like anger.

[1652] And I have started to feel angry, and I think angry.

[1653] Anger, like, tells us what we need.

[1654] So I'm like, well, what is that anger telling me?

[1655] Like, it is messed up.

[1656] The system is stacked against us that when you become a parent, it is literally the hardest, most confusing, most triggering, most important job we have, and we are given zero resources, right?

[1657] Like, nobody I know would tell a surgeon who never went to med school and was struggling at surgery that they were a bad surgeon.

[1658] They'd be like, wow, like, you probably, like, you probably deserve to go to med school and residency, by the way.

[1659] Like, that's an important job you have.

[1660] And so I think it's easy to listen to all this and spiral into, like, oh, no. But I'd ask you to almost, like, feel a little, like, protective, helpful anger next to it, which is, like, wow, like, yes, like, this is an important job I have.

[1661] This is complicated.

[1662] And maybe there are resources out there that, like, I deserve.

[1663] And I think that, like, that's the perspective I would ask parents to listen from.

[1664] Earlier, you described the job of parenting as boundaries, right?

[1665] Imparting boundaries as well as empathy and validation.

[1666] I just want to remind people that your very basic but very practical job description for parenting is something that I think we can return to over and over again.

[1667] It also makes me wonder in thinking about the generalizability of these concepts to other forms of relationship.

[1668] What about the relationship to self?

[1669] Right?

[1670] It's something we don't often talk about.

[1671] Yes.

[1672] Relationship to self.

[1673] We want to have boundaries.

[1674] And we also want to be able to empathize and validate ourselves.

[1675] Yeah.

[1676] And I think, right, like, I don't know, my friend didn't invite me. I don't know.

[1677] I found out she had five friends for a dinner.

[1678] And I was like, oh, you know, I'm so hurt.

[1679] I would say to myself, I believe myself.

[1680] Like, I'm allowed to feel that way.

[1681] I think our feelings love when we tell them they make sense.

[1682] I just think there's something magical about that phrase.

[1683] It makes sense I'm upset.

[1684] I mean.

[1685] My friends were all there and I wasn't.

[1686] That makes sense.

[1687] And there's a boundary because when my feeling tells me, well, I'm about to plan a dinner party for 200 people and invite everyone I know but her, I feel like there's an important – like, you know what feeling?

[1688] Like, I'm not going to let you go that far.

[1689] And the image I always think about is, like, I'm the driver of my car and all the different feelings and urges, like, they're passengers.

[1690] And we can't get them out of the car.

[1691] You just can't.

[1692] They're in your body.

[1693] But you don't want to let them take over the driver's seat.

[1694] That's really what it is.

[1695] And as long as they're a passenger, they actually won't cause you that many problems.

[1696] They'll be annoying.

[1697] And to me, that's like, hey, I see you.

[1698] Like I see you.

[1699] And I will often say hi to my feelings for that reason.

[1700] Like high anxiety that woke me up at four in the morning.

[1701] You know, like, yes, there's a lot of my mind.

[1702] Hi.

[1703] And then there's like a boundary.

[1704] Like you're not – like you're a part of me and not all of me. So I think that phrase for regulating your own feelings, you're a part of me and not all of me, is the essence of validating and having a boundary.

[1705] What about our need?

[1706] I think healthy need to know whether or not the lesson stuck.

[1707] So I've observed this before.

[1708] A kid is catastrophizing about an upcoming event, maybe a concert or a test or a homework thing or a social thing.

[1709] And we're using all our best tools to try and help them.

[1710] And I believe you.

[1711] I hear you then.

[1712] And they go through the experience and they do pretty well, maybe even great.

[1713] And then we say, like, did you notice you were so?

[1714] concerned before and you did it.

[1715] You really did it.

[1716] Is there something that we can or should do to try and stamp down that recognition?

[1717] Because one thing that's so beautiful about childhood is the short -term horizon nature of childhood.

[1718] We talk about adults trying to take it one day at a time or even half a day at a time.

[1719] Kids are navigating on the basis of first period class, second period class.

[1720] horizon is often very close in and i do wonder if they're internalizing these these more global lessons um on their own or whether or not we should uh try and help them internalize what they just did like do you get it you were super concerned you were like almost dissolving into a puddle of your own tears and i believe you that was the appropriate response then and now you did it like think about that yeah is it good that we reinforce those those um those wins?

[1721] Yeah.

[1722] I mean, I think that, I think our kids do internalize kind of the patterns, right?

[1723] But, but I hear you, there are these moments, it's almost like we want to like encapsulate it for them.

[1724] Like, Hey, that was the thing.

[1725] Right.

[1726] I think kids pick up on whether our interactions were doing something for them or for us.

[1727] So if it's from a like, Hey, that thing I taught you was really helpful.

[1728] Right.

[1729] Like it would just be like, if my husband was like, Hey, your presentation went well, because I like told you to do that thing.

[1730] And I'd be like, stop talking to me. Right.

[1731] But if he said to me, hey, like what was it that led to that?

[1732] It's probably like that's helpful to talk out, you know.

[1733] I'd be much more open.

[1734] So I love the phrase going back to like just real tools, I'm noticing.

[1735] I think actually often we want to praise our kids or tell something just saying I'm noticing because, again, we want to be seen.

[1736] We don't want to feel controlled.

[1737] I'm noticing does that.

[1738] Like, hey, I'm noticing you were so worried about this test.

[1739] We kind of talked about this way of like talking to your anxiety.

[1740] And then I'm just noticing you, like, felt really good about how it went.

[1741] Like, even that, I think, because that's, like, the biggest thing now in our, like, crazy fast world we live in is just pausing to notice.

[1742] That's already, like, encapsulating.

[1743] Or saying to your kid, and I think, like, a question is only a question when you don't know the answer, right?

[1744] Like, sometimes we ask questions.

[1745] They have question marks, but it's like a statement or criticism.

[1746] So if we say to our kid, That thing I taught you was really helpful, right?

[1747] Do you think that was helpful?

[1748] That's not really a question.

[1749] We already have an answer.

[1750] But if I say, hey, I just thought it would be good for us to talk through for a second.

[1751] What was it, you think, that led you?

[1752] to really feel good that day in the test.

[1753] Then, like, if I really don't know what my kid could say, I think they'll receive it.

[1754] And then they might say, like, oh, is that thing we talked about?

[1755] Like, that's so great to know.

[1756] I'm even thinking about Spanish coming up.

[1757] And, like, I wonder, do you think that would, I think, I wonder is also a great phrase for parents, just wondering.

[1758] I wonder if that would be helpful there.

[1759] Again, they just, like, lower defensiveness because there's, maybe there's, like, movement with wondering.

[1760] It doesn't feel controlling.

[1761] So, yeah, I think there is, like, those are nice moments if it comes from a place of, like, connection, not from control.

[1762] That makes sense.

[1763] We had a guest on this podcast, Lisa Feldman Barrett, who's a world expert in emotions.

[1764] And she explained that in cultures where there's more nuanced language for different emotions rather than the what I call the emojification of emotions, there's better emotion tolerance.

[1765] So understanding that it's not just sad, happy, depressed, thrilled, but there's a lot of nuance.

[1766] It's very context dependent.

[1767] can be very useful.

[1768] Do you think there's something to be gained from letting kids explore the range of emotions, not just, you know, how do you feel good or bad?

[1769] I mean, most adults need to learn that good or bad are valuations.

[1770] That's not actually an emotion.

[1771] It's not actually an expression of how you feel, but that's what we do for shorthand.

[1772] You know, do you think that, let's just say in the United States, but elsewhere perhaps as well, that there's some value to teaching kids to pay attention.

[1773] Like what is going on inside?

[1774] Yeah.

[1775] Like what is this feeling of what I call anxiety?

[1776] Is it excitement and anxiety?

[1777] Like being able to better pinpoint what one is coping with, but also the positive aspects of emotion.

[1778] Yes.

[1779] I mean, it's funny.

[1780] I am the clinical psychologist.

[1781] The question, how do you feel?

[1782] I always find, like, very, like, a lot of pressure.

[1783] I don't know.

[1784] Like, I think that's, I tend not to ask my kid that, but I tend also never to have asked, like, patients that.

[1785] Like, so, you know, I think what we're getting at is we want, and I think this relates to resilience.

[1786] Like, resilience is our ability, in my mind, to tolerate the widest range of emotions as possible.

[1787] Because, like, as humans, we're going to feel that whole range.

[1788] So the more of them you've learned to tolerate, like, the better off you'll be.

[1789] And so that's what I want for my kids.

[1790] I don't know if that has to explicitly come from naming, although I think that point is definitely true.

[1791] The more things we can name, the more things we can understand.

[1792] To me, just showing up for your kid in a way that's like with believing, maybe with boundaries, is probably the best way to help your kid tolerate the widest range of emotions because they learn that every emotion like can be held in connection with someone else, right, versus held in aloneness and is bad.

[1793] So I guess that's why I think through it.

[1794] Maybe we could talk about adolescents and teenagers specifically.

[1795] Teenage years are wild.

[1796] I always say that the single most traumatic aging event and the most rapid rate of aging that we ever experience is puberty.

[1797] I mean just fundamentally brain circuits that were for one thing or that were dormant change and come alive in ways that the world forever will look different to us, feel different to us, and our self -perception changes, period.

[1798] It's something that biologists still understand at the level of hormones and hypothalamic circuitry, but that has really not been matched to a psychological understanding and vice versa.

[1799] So like nothing is quite like the music you listen to when you're a teenager.

[1800] It brings you back, the memories you form, positive and negative, stamp down, boom, now and forever.

[1801] The emotional salience can change.

[1802] Those are wild years.

[1803] What are some of the more critical needs of late adolescence and teens that, you know, are actionable?

[1804] Yeah.

[1805] You know, and yeah, I mean, my teen years were crazy.

[1806] But even if they're less crazy, they're always crazy.

[1807] Yes.

[1808] Yes.

[1809] And one of the reasons I think, at least in America, that adolescence has seen such a huge shift, like my kid is out of control, they're always out, they're like always rejecting me, I actually don't think is unrelated to the behavioral control approaches that are inherent in American parenting.

[1810] Because like you referred to, your kid becomes 14 and they kind of realize like, wait, I'm bigger than one of my parents.

[1811] Like, I literally...

[1812] don't care about their sticker charts anymore.

[1813] And we might have missed 14 years of building a relationship.

[1814] And so what that kid's adolescence is going to look like is markedly different than if for those past 14 years you weren't giving in to everything.

[1815] No, but you were leading in a sturdier, more connected way.

[1816] So I really think this whole idea that American adolescents like reject everything, I actually think not all of it, a part of it is completely developmentally normal, but a big part of it relates to this tradition of behavioral control that kids cannot reject until they're at the age that they kind of could survive on their own, which is adolescence.

[1817] So I think that's really important.

[1818] The things I would tell parents to really keep in mind that are critical, number one is related to that.

[1819] Like a teen's job is to separate and to start to form their own identity.

[1820] And I think there's a couple things about that parents need to know.

[1821] Number one, like I don't think we prepare parents enough for the true sense of loss they feel when their kids are adolescents because that's very real.

[1822] Like you've just spent all these years and like you've driven them to every soccer and they kind of talk to you in the back seat and maybe you have family movie nights and then all of a sudden they don't want any of that.

[1823] And it's just so important parents know like I'm going to feel sad.

[1824] I'm going to feel lost.

[1825] And if we don't know, to expect it.

[1826] We often kind of infuse that into a lot of anger toward our kid.

[1827] And so I just think that's normal and we should talk about that more.

[1828] Parents of adolescents need to be talking about that with each other.

[1829] Of course you miss that.

[1830] That's totally normal.

[1831] Number two related to that separation.

[1832] If you think about identity formation, like here's a kid and us and we're kind of close and now we're at the stage where developmentally their job at that stage is to figure out who they are.

[1833] They have to overcorrect.

[1834] Like you have to kind of overcorrect in the amount of space you take because it's really the only way you can figure out like, wait, maybe I do want to take parts of that.

[1835] That part's okay.

[1836] And so I think that's like a powerful image to think about.

[1837] Like they are moving far away.

[1838] That distance they take from you is not their final point.

[1839] They will.

[1840] Move closer.

[1841] Now, going back to loss, not as close as they used to be.

[1842] And that is different.

[1843] But this is their way of trying to figure out who they are.

[1844] Then the last thing I'd say that kind of relates to that image is, like, even as they move away, I think parents massively underestimate how much they still need us there making efforts to connect.

[1845] And I always think, like, the difference in, like, an explorer and a nomad is whether or not you have a home base.

[1846] And, like, if our teens feel like nomads, it's not a good situation.

[1847] They're explorers.

[1848] They try a million different things.

[1849] But, like, they really do need us.

[1850] They need to know that they have a home.

[1851] And I'll never forget my private practice.

[1852] I used to work with teens not so long ago, just the teens, sometimes the parents too.

[1853] And this teen came to me, and this was extreme.

[1854] She had been really in a bad place with her parents, like, intense, intense conflict.

[1855] And they got in this huge fight.

[1856] And she was really, really upset.

[1857] And she was describing this to me. She's like, and then I was like, get out of my room.

[1858] Get out.

[1859] I hate you.

[1860] Get out.

[1861] You know?

[1862] And I was just like sitting there listening.

[1863] And then she like, I pushed him out.

[1864] I slammed the door.

[1865] And then just a couple minutes later, open the door.

[1866] My heart's racing.

[1867] Can you believe they weren't there?

[1868] Can you believe they weren't there?

[1869] And to me it was just this like – and again, it's not about being a punching bag.

[1870] But I – like her seeming anger and her like intense pain were so close together in her own story that it's just over and over the same thing.

[1871] Like they're going to reject you.

[1872] They're going to say get out of my room.

[1873] And yes, it sucks, but they want you to slip a note under their door.

[1874] After you've taken a couple minutes that says that was really tough or like, wow, that got out of control.

[1875] You're a good kid and I love you.

[1876] And I want to just tell parents of teens, you're going to do that.

[1877] There's going to be a pause and then you will hear them rip up the note.

[1878] You will.

[1879] And like I swear to any parent that.

[1880] That still resonated.

[1881] And your kid is again trying to figure out how do I stay close with my parents and I'm figuring out who I am.

[1882] So like they rip up the note because like they almost like have to do it to like take in how much they're still desperate for those bids for a connection.

[1883] Sounds a lot like the dynamics of adult relationships, although hopefully with a little bit less dramatic.

[1884] accentuation yeah um but you know even if it does i mean it's like these um these circuits that are laid down in childhood early childhood they persist right i mean i think if anything has become clear to me and understanding brain development and brain function it's that you know we don't discard circuitry for attachment and go oh you know that was for mom and this one was for dad and that wasn't for the dog and And then the romantic relationship is different.

[1885] We repurpose the circuits.

[1886] Hence all the beautiful work on childhood attachment that's now being translated to adult attachment.

[1887] I mean I realize there's nuance to it.

[1888] But I was reflecting a bit on this again incredibly potent phrase or mention of explorers versus nomads of having a home base and thinking about these psychology experiments where … Children are observed in the presence of their caretakers.

[1889] Sometimes the strange situation task where people are – kids are separated from their moms and mom and child, typically mom.

[1890] Nowadays, it's also been done with other caretakers and dads reunite.

[1891] But one doesn't even have to know about those experiments.

[1892] All you have to do is go to a park or be out in public and see a little toddler venturing away from parent and then what do they do every once in a while?

[1893] They look back.

[1894] They're just trying to check to make sure they're there.

[1895] Even the kids that are taking off on the tricycle like crazy will eventually stop and look back.

[1896] It's like this fundamental circuit.

[1897] We're looking back, you know, and how far they feel they can go is in direct relationship to presumably the number of times that they recharge and were able to see that verification that the parent was still there.

[1898] I think this notion of explorers versus nomads and Being an explorer obviously being a good thing, a healthy thing within reason and nomads just feeling adrift, untethered.

[1899] Yes.

[1900] One of the scariest words at least to me in the English language.

[1901] So the note under the door.

[1902] Yeah.

[1903] It included the words I love you.

[1904] I don't want to get too detailed here but those words sometimes are never spoken in a home.

[1905] Sadly, sometimes are spoken so often and under so many circumstances that one wonders, like, do they lose their potency?

[1906] But I noticed that in that note, it finished, I love you.

[1907] It's sort of like stating at the end of the day, no matter what you say, probably even what you do.

[1908] I mean, I've been in the presence of parents of kids that were criminals that did horrible things.

[1909] They still love their kids.

[1910] So.

[1911] reminding kids that under any and all circumstances.

[1912] Yeah.

[1913] And again, and I think what's so critical because our brain collapses is that doesn't mean you think their behavior is okay.

[1914] And I get the fear.

[1915] Like I would never want to send my kid the message that it's okay to, quote, do certain things, right?

[1916] Like that it's okay to just scream at your parents.

[1917] Of course, it's not okay.

[1918] It's just, I think we miss like that happened.

[1919] Like that happened already.

[1920] Like if I dropped my phone and it broke and I was trying to understand why it broke, trying to understand that doesn't mean it's okay that I dropped it.

[1921] Like it just, it doesn't, it just dropped.

[1922] Like it already happened.

[1923] Now what?

[1924] You know?

[1925] And yeah, our kids need to know, they need to know that they're loved.

[1926] And that, again, there's kind of like in that message, I think, like I still see you're a good kid under that moment.

[1927] And I actually think it's a powerful strategy for every parent to kind of conjure up a a good kid image.

[1928] Like, what is it?

[1929] Was that that last time we were playing this game and it was just so fun?

[1930] Or is it a memory of my kid when they were three?

[1931] And like, I don't know, they did this really cute thing.

[1932] And it kind of like really crystallizes that.

[1933] And like even under, you know, this bad behavior, that kid, like that kid's still there.

[1934] And the kids, the kids who behave the worst are in the deepest pain.

[1935] I mean, the adults too.

[1936] And that's not to say it's okay.

[1937] But again, we're talking about relationships we want to be in.

[1938] Like if you're in a relationship with your teen, it's not one you're like, this is toxic.

[1939] Like this is my kid.

[1940] I'm going to be in a relationship with them.

[1941] So, you know, remembering that they're in pain.

[1942] Teens are in a lot of pain.

[1943] They're exploring a new world.

[1944] Frankly, right now, like teens have worlds.

[1945] We don't understand it.

[1946] That's so helpful for parents to approach your teen just as a tangible tool and say, you know, there's so many things in your world that I don't understand.

[1947] And frankly, probably I might.

[1948] like criticize or judge, like, can you take out your phone?

[1949] This, you know, whatever it is, this app you're on, this video game, like, can we just even time box this five minutes?

[1950] Like, I just want to end this conversation saying I understand it better.

[1951] Like, I promise you that's probably going to do more for your relationship with your kid than anything else.

[1952] Because yes, they do.

[1953] And they might reject you.

[1954] And if you do, again, don't take the bait.

[1955] But ask again next week.

[1956] Like, again, they do, they need us to return.

[1957] Yeah, one thing's for sure.

[1958] None of us, Except those that are teens know what it's like to be a teenager in 2024.

[1959] Just like they didn't know what it was like to be a teenager for me in the late 80s, early 90s.

[1960] How could they?

[1961] Right.

[1962] So what are your thoughts on like family meetings?

[1963] Like once a week we sit down, we check in.

[1964] You know, I hear that people do this.

[1965] Many participate in these before.

[1966] Do you feel like those can be useful or is it more window dressing?

[1967] I mean.

[1968] I guess it depends what's happening in there.

[1969] I mean the idea of like, hey, there's a lot going on in our life and we have a ritual of coming together and talking things through, working through problems.

[1970] Like if that's what it is, that's a beautiful thing.

[1971] Like I hear that.

[1972] My first thought is I should do that, you know.

[1973] But you're right.

[1974] Like life gets messy.

[1975] But if it's done in a way where it feels we end and everyone feels a little bit more understood and a little bit more purpose and, you know, making things move forward in a positive direction.

[1976] That's amazing.

[1977] I think family meetings, it's funny, the way I think about them often, which is just different, is it's actually a great strategy, especially when your kids are older.

[1978] And there's like somewhat of an ongoing conflict.

[1979] So maybe there's like an ongoing conflict about how much video game time or, you know, how much, you know, how late they can stay out.

[1980] And to say to a kid, and again, this just comes from, again, so important for teens.

[1981] We have to approach our kid like we're on the same team.

[1982] I always say it's me and my kid against a problem.

[1983] Not me against my kid where they are the problem.

[1984] Like, and so to say, hey, you've been late, you know, or we have to figure out your curfew.

[1985] And like, look, you're a smart kid.

[1986] You're a good kid.

[1987] My number one job is to keep you safe.

[1988] But you're old now.

[1989] And if I just tell you a time, it's the same thing that happened last year.

[1990] We're going to get in fights all year.

[1991] Why don't we sit down and we'll do what I do in my office.

[1992] There's two people.

[1993] They each have ideas.

[1994] I'm going to bring a pad of paper.

[1995] And that's actually super important.

[1996] And I'm going to write down.

[1997] All of your ideas and my ideas.

[1998] And then we're just going to kind of go through and cross out the ones that, you know, feel completely unreasonable.

[1999] And I have a feeling when we do that, we're going to come to a good place.

[2000] So again, you can see there's that like hope I'm giving.

[2001] Like I hold the positive outcome.

[2002] Same team.

[2003] I'm giving my kid credit in advance.

[2004] It's actually like really – it's usually the opposite of what teens feel, which is just my parents don't even listen to me or care and think they have all the answers.

[2005] I've heard this notion of, you know, couple parents come first and kids come second.

[2006] And some people are probably like, what?

[2007] You know, well, clearly never parented.

[2008] Well, no, actually, it's an interesting idea, perhaps not correct or incorrect, but maybe dynamic across time where the real question is if kids know that they are running the family in terms of what they do or their inability to not be attended to, et cetera, is driving the whole relationship that the parents are in.

[2009] versus, you know, recognizing, and here I'm imagining two -parent home, but we could talk about divorced or people with significant others or single -parent homes and all of those.

[2010] You kind of wonder, like, are kids really paying attention to how much they are being prioritized to the point where if they observe their parents tending to their own needs that they feel deprivation or does it make them feel safer?

[2011] Like, hey, mom and or dad are taking care of themselves and can show up better.

[2012] Yes, I think that is critically important.

[2013] And it kind of goes, again, to boundaries, like, of a parent.

[2014] Like, my relationship with my kid is so important.

[2015] And I'm not going to let that take over me. Like, that is not all of me. I am not only a caregiver to my kid.

[2016] Like, I would stand by that all day long.

[2017] Like, is that an important part of me?

[2018] And it's still a part of me. own as a parent.

[2019] Because again, we tend to get, like we get apologists for it or we look for our kid's permission.

[2020] We'll say, look, I need to go out with dad without you, okay?

[2021] Like we have a relationship too.

[2022] Like, and we, again, there's that job confusion and my kid feels that.

[2023] And again, it's that kind of giving them too much power.

[2024] I've said this to my kids a lot.

[2025] So they'll say, why do you go out with dad without me?

[2026] I'll say, it's a great question.

[2027] You know, first of all, dad and I were married before we had kids.

[2028] Our relationship is really important to us.

[2029] And we love being with you.

[2030] And being with you is different than just being the two of us.

[2031] And that really, really matters to us.

[2032] And so you don't have to be happy about it.

[2033] You can – and let's say I have a babysitter I know they're safe with.

[2034] You can cry when I leave and the babysitter will hold you and we're going to go out to dinner and we're going to come back and, you know, I'll see you in the morning.

[2035] Yeah, I think that is so important.

[2036] I actually think this is another topic.

[2037] This topic of like rage in parenthood is like a big topic.

[2038] Like the way – why do I get to these moments of rage so often?

[2039] That my screaming is not just screaming at my kids.

[2040] It's really rageful.

[2041] And I think the parents often who are the most vulnerable to that are the ones where they're not meeting like any of their non -caregiving needs, which makes sense that a part of them is like screaming out.

[2042] Like what about me?

[2043] I used to go to dance class.

[2044] I used to – see friends.

[2045] I used to go out with my partner and talk about things other than, you know, our kids.

[2046] And so, again, if I think a kid's need a sturdy leader, right, more than anything else, and sturdiness is not allowing yourself to be taken over by any one thing, including your relationship with your kid.

[2047] Is it truly better for there to be two sturdy leaders than one sturdy leader?

[2048] I realize this is a controversial question.

[2049] Yeah.

[2050] I mean...

[2051] I know and I know there's research to back this up that like having one kind of sturdy leader in your life is massively protective.

[2052] I really believe that.

[2053] And so when parents will say my partner isn't – I'm like we have research.

[2054] This is true.

[2055] Is two better than one?

[2056] I don't know their research.

[2057] Probably.

[2058] I don't know.

[2059] But what I think is important in there too is what's not great for kids is having like all the caregivers be some like perfectly attuned caregiver.

[2060] Right?

[2061] Like that actually does not set up your kid for life at all.

[2062] Right?

[2063] Because I don't know anyone who thinks the partner I'm going to be with one day is going to be perfectly attuned to all my needs.

[2064] Let me go find that person.

[2065] So, you know.

[2066] You have one sturdy leader.

[2067] You have two.

[2068] But like being sturdy, part of that is you're going to rupture.

[2069] You're going to rupture.

[2070] You're going to mess up.

[2071] You're going to hopefully repair, you know, after.

[2072] But sturdiness, I just want to make clear, is so not the same as like perfection.

[2073] Perfection is creepy.

[2074] It's not a thing.

[2075] No one needs that.

[2076] I love that.

[2077] It's the first time I've laughed out loud on this podcast about a statement like that.

[2078] Yeah, the notion of perfection is kind of creepy.

[2079] But sturdiness is anything but creepy.

[2080] It's just such a beautiful word for all the right reasons.

[2081] What about behavioral examples in parents?

[2082] So for instance, if children observe parents being affectionate to one another in appropriate ways, right?

[2083] You know, attending to one another in boundary but empathically attuned ways.

[2084] Do you think that projects forward into their notion of what?

[2085] adult relationships are like and should be like.

[2086] Conversely, if parents are yelling at one another, do you think that projects forward into it's okay to yell in adult relationships?

[2087] Yeah, I mean I – yeah, I think kids are – they're expert noticers.

[2088] They notice everything, right?

[2089] It's part of how they've learned to survive as such helpless humans.

[2090] So they definitely notice.

[2091] They definitely act like sponges.

[2092] So yes, if you're – you know, kind of privileged enough in that way to grow up in a home where you have parents who in general are fairly affectionate.

[2093] They take responsibility for their stuff.

[2094] They communicate in a healthy way.

[2095] I think that is like a true privilege you go into adulthood with.

[2096] Yes.

[2097] The other extreme, right?

[2098] You grow up with parents who, you know, they yell or they can even yell in scary voices.

[2099] Again, what I think is really important is the witnessing of that.

[2100] isn't going to be as impactful to a kid as the witnessing of it and nobody naming it and talking to them about it.

[2101] So this is why so often like kids will be in difficult stages, intense tantrums, major issues at school.

[2102] And someone's like, what do I do?

[2103] Like, what do I do with this?

[2104] Well, I gave you all the strategies in the world, but if that is just your kid's way of kind of manifesting all of their struggles with this like huge marital conflict that's happening.

[2105] It's not going to work.

[2106] So it's all part of the same system.

[2107] And so saying to your kid after you fight with your partner, hey, I think you heard daddy and I screaming.

[2108] And I'm sure that felt scary because it does feel scary because they know you're their base.

[2109] So if their base of a house feels like an earthquake, it feels scary.

[2110] And another line I like is like, you were right to notice that.

[2111] We were using loud voices.

[2112] Again, I think that's massively confidence building.

[2113] Maybe what was that like for you?

[2114] Or if you have a little kid, just that's enough.

[2115] And they might look at you and say like, can I have my snack now?

[2116] But it's still really sunk in.

[2117] So if there is a lot of conflict, again, I think it's really important we talk about that with our kids.

[2118] Don't leave them alone.

[2119] What about teens that are really wayward?

[2120] And this could be behavioral outbursts.

[2121] There's also the whole underside of this thing where it's also about withdrawal.

[2122] The kids are withdrawn.

[2123] I mean we were talking about outbursts and yelling.

[2124] There's also the example in parents or the instances in kids that they're just like really withdrawn.

[2125] They're just like disengaged.

[2126] Depressed.

[2127] Depressed.

[2128] Maybe even dissociative.

[2129] Who knows?

[2130] But not good.

[2131] And this can show up.

[2132] on one end is violence on the other end is isolation it can show up as eating disorders it can show up as all sorts of things um you know intervention before age 18 is quote unquote, easier in the sense that one has legal control.

[2133] But oftentimes it's hard for parents to know like, how bad is this?

[2134] And, you know, I did an entire episode about cannabis and I spoke to some of the medical benefits of cannabis for adults who are non -addicts, but I also talked a lot about some of the risks.

[2135] But let's take an example that I think is pretty common.

[2136] Kids 15, 16 starts smoking some THC with their friends and you go, okay, well, everyone does that.

[2137] Quote, unquote, not as bad as alcohol, which I think is a lame argument.

[2138] This is lame.

[2139] It doesn't make any sense.

[2140] Again, you're getting hit by, you know, cars and bags getting hit by a train, but okay.

[2141] But the point is, you know, most all parents are like, okay, you know.

[2142] clearly they're self -medicating, you know, can't, they think they can't stop them, but you can't stop them.

[2143] You know, at what point do you then take, you know, you put them into a residential treatment program if you could even afford that.

[2144] I mean, it's really tough for people to know how much to intervene in what is clearly not good behavior and it sometimes can be bad behavior.

[2145] And yet the kids are using it to self -medicate and there's a peer system that sometimes reinforces that.

[2146] I mean, this is a huge landscape.

[2147] Maybe we have you back to talk just about this, but, but maybe we can presage that discussion, but by like, what do you tell people in your, in your practice?

[2148] Like get in there now, pull the emergency cord and get this handled.

[2149] Or do you say, listen, you just got to work with the, you know, work with the system.

[2150] Tough problem I'm throwing at you.

[2151] I think the first thing is, like, how do I, as a parent, like, kind of even assess?

[2152] Is this normal?

[2153] Is it not normal?

[2154] Is it a problem?

[2155] Is it not?

[2156] So I think there's a couple, like, things we could think about there.

[2157] Number one, just seeing, like, impact on overall functioning is always, like, one barometer, right?

[2158] So, okay.

[2159] Can my child perform the kind of tasks of their developmental stage?

[2160] Okay, so this is not the only thing.

[2161] But, like, are they still going to school?

[2162] Wow, I noticed since they're smoking a lot of weeds, their grades went from Bs to Ds.

[2163] Like, okay, they don't care about school anymore.

[2164] They used to actually go out with friends.

[2165] Now, unless they're with this one crew where they smoke in the park, like, they're not even seeing these kids they used to be friends with.

[2166] They don't want to go to family functions anymore.

[2167] They used to play soccer.

[2168] Like, if I'm answering this, I'd be like.

[2169] wow, I'm not really talking just about a marijuana problem.

[2170] I'm talking about my kid not engaging in kind of like the developmental tasks.

[2171] That I would say is just like it's time to seek additional support, right?

[2172] Another sign is just kind of how limited their world has become because of this, right?

[2173] So again, is this kind of taken over?

[2174] everything they do my kid is depressed let's say or you know and all of a sudden their world has gotten really really small and it's not just that that's the way they've always lived like there's a big there's a big change the amount of conflict in the home again like is there conflict when you have teens of course there is but like wow like is it really hard to talk to my teen for more than four minutes walking on eggshells to me is also a sign that we need additional help am I scared to intervene in a way that would actually be in line with my values That's not a good sign, right?

[2175] Then the other thing I just want to make sure everyone knows is, I mean, like, seeking additional help is a sign of every single thing that's right with the family.

[2176] And I think we think it's a sign of something that's wrong.

[2177] And it's, like, also a sign of what's right to your – in terms of messaging that to your kid.

[2178] Again, I think about a kid who I used to see in my practice.

[2179] She was probably 16 when she came to me. She was cutting.

[2180] Serious, right?

[2181] And I remember saying just intake, hey, how long have you been doing this?

[2182] She goes, two years.

[2183] Oh, like, did you see another therapist before?

[2184] you saw me?

[2185] She's like, no. She was like very like kind of, you know, kind of quippy and quick.

[2186] And I was just like, why?

[2187] And she's like, well, I told my parents that if they took me to a therapist, I would go and I would just waste all their money.

[2188] I'd be quiet.

[2189] And then when they left me there, I would just leave.

[2190] And who's going to stop a 14 -year -old from walking away?

[2191] And they might as well save their money because they can't make me. Okay.

[2192] And again, I just kind of sensed to stay quiet.

[2193] And she seriously, one of the next things she said is, Can you believe they let me make that decision?

[2194] Literally said that.

[2195] Wow.

[2196] Validates everything you said up until now.

[2197] And it is.

[2198] This is where I feel like I get my best ideas.

[2199] That's right.

[2200] A 14 -year -old can convince her parent that she won't go to therapy when she's cutting.

[2201] That is not okay.

[2202] And again, then we go to, okay, so I'm going to say to my kid, you are going.

[2203] I'm like, no, there's so much between that.

[2204] We're in these binary states.

[2205] Your kid's feelings about therapy cannot dictate.

[2206] your boundary, right?

[2207] But we can't just then come down harshly.

[2208] And so I coach parents in this all the time.

[2209] What do you say to a kid?

[2210] I love you.

[2211] Hear me. I love you.

[2212] We're in a tough stage.

[2213] I see this problem.

[2214] And I do think even when our kids get older, we can say this.

[2215] My number one job is to keep you safe.

[2216] It is not to keep you happy with me. And I actually love you so much that I'm willing to do things that make you unhappy with me. That is actually how much I care about you.

[2217] And so I am going to be driving you.

[2218] And if you want to like curse at me the whole time, I will sit in that waiting room.

[2219] And you know what I'm going to do the next week?

[2220] I'm going to tell you I love you.

[2221] I'm going to do the same thing.

[2222] And I think adults hearing that on some level, there's some internal truth of like, I probably needed that.

[2223] Like, that feels oddly good because there's, like, you know I'm not messing around.

[2224] But there's this way where, as parents, we've said, like, the way to show my kid I'm not messing around is to be mean to them.

[2225] Like, there was nothing mean about what I said.

[2226] I think it was more loving than saying to a kid, okay, let me know when you want to go.

[2227] That is not loving.

[2228] And so I think, like, our teens sometimes in those moments, they need us to do our job and, like, be the pilot.

[2229] Like, it is this small amount of time where they're still a passenger.

[2230] When they're 18, They are the pilot.

[2231] And so we have this window.

[2232] There's nothing I want to probe more into that.

[2233] I think you captured it beautifully.

[2234] And it gets back to this issue of safety, like in letting them make their own decision when they're clearly in trouble.

[2235] Like if anything could make a kid feel unsafe, a teen or younger or adult, it's that.

[2236] Yes.

[2237] Yes.

[2238] It's like laying the passenger on the plane.

[2239] Be like, hey, instead of rerouting, how about you just come up here and fly?

[2240] That's exactly, that's literally what it is.

[2241] And they're like, I can't believe you believed my little protest.

[2242] Now I'm in the cockpit.

[2243] They don't want that.

[2244] That's why their words, teens' words, it's not that we don't believe them.

[2245] Like as you see, I'm big on believing.

[2246] Their words often are a representation of their fears.

[2247] All of us in our worst moments.

[2248] Get out.

[2249] Like I feel like sometimes like that's their fear or like they're kind of talking to their emotion.

[2250] They're not really talking to you in that moment.

[2251] They're so dysregulated and like just learning to like not take it so literally and be like, what am I really believing?

[2252] My kid is in pain.

[2253] They're cutting.

[2254] My kid is in pain.

[2255] They're smoking weed 30 times a day and don't go to class.

[2256] Like I know that they need help.

[2257] And again, any parent who can say that like to me is like the strongest parent and that is such a sign of health.

[2258] be alive today if it wasn't for non -parent mentors and just examples in the world.

[2259] These aren't always people that were like, hey, I'm going to take you under my wing and be your mentor.

[2260] Actually, that was rarely the case.

[2261] But people in my real life or in my reading or there wasn't YouTube back then, but sometimes now people have – I'm a huge fan, for instance, of this Jungian psychologist, James Hollis, who has these beautiful lectures on making a life.

[2262] And I'm learning so much.

[2263] I consider him a mentor.

[2264] Sorry, James.

[2265] You didn't have a choice.

[2266] You're a mentor.

[2267] But these people that we can internalize certain healthy aspects that our parents just apparently can't seem to arrange for themselves and that we wish they had.

[2268] But I think that we, as children of all ages, we want perfect parents.

[2269] We don't get them.

[2270] But it seems appropriate to me. I'd love your thoughts.

[2271] It seems appropriate to me to have, you know, kind of a foraging for examples of where we can get certain things that we can internalize for ourselves so that we can benefit that maybe our parents just aren't interested in, capable of, or even alive to provide us anymore.

[2272] Yeah.

[2273] Yeah.

[2274] I mean that like being everything to someone, like I don't want my kids to ever say that about me. My mom was everything.

[2275] She fulfilled my every need.

[2276] Again, I do find that creepy whenever.

[2277] I don't know.

[2278] And just setting them up for so much relationship disappointment.

[2279] My mom gave some things.

[2280] Now that I also work a lot of fun with my kids, there is this mom.

[2281] Like when kids have a sleepover at our house, I mean, it is the best sleepover experience.

[2282] Like I see pictures and I'm like, wow, that was so thoughtful.

[2283] That was amazing.

[2284] She's like – she puts it together.

[2285] She's creative.

[2286] And me and my kids joke.

[2287] They're like, yeah, mom, you're like bottom of the list and that stuff.

[2288] And I am.

[2289] I am.

[2290] And like I know I'm toward the top of the list in other things.

[2291] I don't want to be toward – first of all, I don't want to hold myself to that standard.

[2292] That's like a great way to implode.

[2293] So, yeah, being able to say to my kid.

[2294] Oh, you guys want to have a sleepover?

[2295] You'd rather go to her house?

[2296] Because that's okay.

[2297] That's not an indictment of me. And so maybe this is some, quote, mentor -like figure for someone who can, like, put these details and make people feel really taken care of in that way.

[2298] That's great.

[2299] And I think, yes, giving your kid permission and encouragement, again, I think is such a gift to them later on.

[2300] Like, yeah, our relationship with our kids becomes not only the foundation, their expectations for their relationship with other adults.

[2301] I mean, I also think it's...

[2302] literally what they're attracted to.

[2303] I think when they're attracted to someone later on, it's just the activation of that like earliest attachment.

[2304] And so if they can get activated around someone who seems to be pretty attuned and respectful and validating and boundaried because they also have other things in their life and not everything, like that's a privilege to say that's what I'm expecting.

[2305] So I think those other relationships and as a parent to hear your kids say, my coach taught me this thing.

[2306] And sometimes they say it in a catty way.

[2307] So much better.

[2308] Than what you said to do at lacrosse.

[2309] Just to like take a deep breath.

[2310] And again, this is where you can say like I'm still a good parent even outside this moment.

[2311] I'm so glad you're talking to me about this.

[2312] I believe you.

[2313] Tell me more about this.

[2314] Like such a beautiful example for your kid.

[2315] So being able to validate and embrace the fact that there are other sources of healthy upbringing is – yeah.

[2316] Not just perhaps is clearly a good thing.

[2317] Do I have that right?

[2318] I think that's right.

[2319] And I think if that's hard for a parent, what I'd say is like it's a question without an exact answer.

[2320] But like where did I learn that I'm supposed to be everything to someone?

[2321] Like and is that – and I think a lot of women, we learn that in our families of origin to be good girls, which really just means I have no wants and needs.

[2322] of my own and I just kind of gaze out and see how I can do things for you and I can be everything for you.

[2323] And then we have kids.

[2324] We don't realize we put that onto them.

[2325] But like you said, those patterns travel with us.

[2326] And I find it like very relieving to be like, maybe if I don't, wow, it just gave me like a good percentage of energy back.

[2327] Like I can do like so many other things now, you know?

[2328] It's very, it's like empowering.

[2329] I love it.

[2330] Something that it's an unpleasant.

[2331] just by as soon as people hear the word, but it's something that I think comes up on the child side, the teen side, and the parenting side, and in adult relationships of all kind, which is the dreaded entitlement.

[2332] Ooh, dirty word of parenting.

[2333] Entitlement.

[2334] Maybe we could put some definition on entitlement and talk about when it's bad.

[2335] Is it always bad?

[2336] When it's neutral and when it's...

[2337] I don't know.

[2338] Is it ever good?

[2339] Entitlement doesn't sound like it's ever good.

[2340] Yeah.

[2341] There is a healthy entitlement, right?

[2342] And I think that is kind of the entitlement to like I'm allowed to want things and I'm allowed to at moments in my life even act on that to turn that want into a fulfillment of my want.

[2343] I think that actually goes back to what we were just saying, like versus how can I please you?

[2344] Like maybe I want to do something.

[2345] So I think that healthy entitlement, that's a good thing.

[2346] But when I hear parents say like, please.

[2347] I just don't want an entitled kid.

[2348] They're not talking about that, right?

[2349] And they're talking about, and to me the story from my practice is just the key thing that makes us parents cringe was this family I was seeing in New York City, and they were very wealthy, and they had this 16 -year -old son, and they were flying back from Hawaii or to Hawaii, and they were just getting ready to board, and first class was boarding, and the sun goes up, and they're like, oh, so we were not in first class.

[2350] We have to wait.

[2351] He had basically a full tantrum.

[2352] in the airport, like every parent's first nightmare, literally.

[2353] And they came to me afterwards being like, how did we get here, right?

[2354] Now, this is a family.

[2355] In general, it's true.

[2356] They flew first class.

[2357] They had private planes, had a lot of money.

[2358] But entitlement to me doesn't always have to be about money.

[2359] I'm going to give you my definition of entitlement.

[2360] I think it's very different.

[2361] But to me, the definition like boundaries is useful because it gives you a pathway of what to do.

[2362] I think entitlement.

[2363] is the fear of frustration.

[2364] Beautiful.

[2365] Because if we go back, okay, that thing didn't start at 16.

[2366] And if we started, you know, I started kind of collecting stories and, right, this is a kid who they had, and again, like they had a driver.

[2367] There's nothing wrong with having a driver.

[2368] But I'm just thinking about like waiting for a subway.

[2369] It's frustrating.

[2370] You just missed the subway.

[2371] We're going to be late.

[2372] Like, no, right?

[2373] This was a kid who didn't make, as I had to see it older, I remember, like, didn't make the soccer team.

[2374] Don't worry.

[2375] We have someone who's going to take you to the nearby town in New Jersey and get on that soccer team, right?

[2376] And I think about what this kid started to learn about being frustrated.

[2377] And it was kind of like frustration comes up and what gets layered next to it.

[2378] Is someone else bringing you an exit?

[2379] Frustration, exit from frustration.

[2380] Maybe even exit to success, right?

[2381] And then I started to think, like, well, what would it be like if there were 16 years of kind of a guy?

[2382] Because it doesn't have that pattern and that circuit reinforcing.

[2383] Because what you're really learning as a kid, I'm frustrated.

[2384] And that's very overwhelming for me. But, like, the adults around me must be scared.

[2385] of my frustration because they won't let me sit in it.

[2386] They won't let me feel it.

[2387] They will actually kind of run in circles to not have me feel.

[2388] So I actually encode my frustration next to fear.

[2389] Now I'm 16 and I'm expecting first class and I get, you know, lowly coach, you know.

[2390] It's not, people are like, oh, what a spoiled kid.

[2391] Like, I actually, I feel like this kid was like insanely vulnerable in that moment.

[2392] This kid was like, I'm frustrated.

[2393] And what I expect to happen and what I know to happen isn't here.

[2394] And so it is explosive.

[2395] It appears as entitlement on the surface, but it is a deep intolerance and almost fear of frustration, which is in your body.

[2396] So you're terrified of a feeling that is living in your body.

[2397] And it looks demanding because it kind of is desperate.

[2398] Like you can't let this happen.

[2399] Wow.

[2400] Fear of frustration as the definition of entitlement lands like square in the bullseye for me. And yes, I think we all default to the kind of stereotypical example of the ultra wealthy family kid.

[2401] There was that movie, The Toy in the 80s.

[2402] It was really dreadful concept.

[2403] Actually, you know, a kid that was just given everything and then wanted a person.

[2404] I mean, it's really like talk about foul.

[2405] I mean, it's just, you know, just bad at every level.

[2406] And then they tried to create this narrative where then there's a deeper understanding about humans and stuff that evolves from it.

[2407] But the starting point was, and I've observed this in certainly not my family, but other families where kids are given everything they want.

[2408] It never feels like enough.

[2409] Big surprise.

[2410] Dopamine is a real thing.

[2411] The circuits recalibrate to a higher threshold.

[2412] They want more and more and more.

[2413] It's like that movie Wall Street.

[2414] What's your number?

[2415] More.

[2416] Okay.

[2417] All right.

[2418] Nothing wrong with wanting things, but without a ceiling on any of that and without a ceiling on pleasure or balance on experience, it crushes everybody.

[2419] That's also what that movie was about.

[2420] It just crushes people.

[2421] To build that into a child's neurology just seems like the worst possible thing.

[2422] Because it's not about the world being a place of immense possibility.

[2423] It's about the world being a place of like snakes in broken glass everywhere except this narrow knife edge path that you follow that is all about infinite resources.

[2424] And ease.

[2425] That's right.

[2426] And what I think is fear is because if you're in fear, you're in like a threat state, which is why when kids are in that state or adults, it seems like nasty and it's mean.

[2427] when you're, you know, and there's this like narrowing of your eyes, right?

[2428] So I think that's really, you know, what's happening.

[2429] And it's not always tied to money, but the truth is, and money can easily buy a kid's way out of frustration.

[2430] And by the way, it buys the parent out of having to tolerate their frustration while the kid is frustrated.

[2431] And so it's tricky.

[2432] I think I've now like, you know, talked to a bunch of parents who grew up in, a very different way.

[2433] We're very successful.

[2434] And I get it.

[2435] They're like, I feel like I've, I've earned, I've literally have earned the right to have certain parts of my life be a lot easier.

[2436] Right.

[2437] And like, how do I though not, how do I raise a kid who isn't entitled?

[2438] Right.

[2439] And it is a conundrum.

[2440] Right.

[2441] Like I wouldn't think like, you know, we raise our, raise our kids in a candy store.

[2442] It's hard to expect them to appreciate candy.

[2443] Right.

[2444] And so like, how do we, how do we balance that gratitude, the entitlement?

[2445] And I do think, though, that idea is like we just have to – sometimes like other people hearing this would be like, yeah, like my life is frustrating all the time.

[2446] And some people's are, right?

[2447] They won't end up with entitlement.

[2448] But for other families, they always have to be like, I have to like dose it.

[2449] I have to make sure my kids literally have experiences and I probably have to go through it too.

[2450] Where we are almost like purposefully making sure they get enough of that, you know, so they can build different circuits.

[2451] Yeah, so much to unpack there.

[2452] I think it's clear that some of this is tied to financial means.

[2453] I think it's a pretty scary thing when someone looks out on the landscape of the world as infinite possibility without any frustration.

[2454] As we talked about earlier, the ability to lean into hard things as a skill.

[2455] that can extend to other things is so valuable.

[2456] Do you think that some of the smaller practices that any kid, any parent, any family, regardless of means, can lean into can really help there?

[2457] Like, you know, some people say grace or a prayer before a meal.

[2458] Others simply express gratitude.

[2459] But, you know, stopping and thinking about, you know, I mean, being breathing, being ambulatory, being any number of good things that allow us agency in life about to eat.

[2460] food.

[2461] I mean, those moments I think are – I know that our nervous system reflects on those.

[2462] Yeah.

[2463] How could they not?

[2464] And just recognizing that at least something went into the creation of the meal.

[2465] I think for like the entitlement stuff and the frustration, like there's all these small moments that we can start to make a difference.

[2466] And I think it's saying to yourself, just because I can doesn't mean I will.

[2467] So like my kid's young and I pick them up from a play date.

[2468] And let's say I have a babysitter at home or my husband at home.

[2469] And I'm like, I have to go to a store on some errands.

[2470] My kid's like, can you drop me off first?

[2471] Maybe I'm like, you know what?

[2472] Like, no. Like, you're going to come with me on, I'm not going to say it this way, but on boring errands.

[2473] Because you just have to tolerate that, like, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

[2474] And, like, you are not going to learn that by me telling you that.

[2475] You're going to learn that by experiencing that.

[2476] You know, something with my kids, you know, the other day.

[2477] We were at an airport and, like, there were – you know, in the airport, like, it kind of winds around, like, to get – and there was, like, no one there.

[2478] So they started to, like, duck under all the, like, things.

[2479] And it just made me think, like, as a small moment.

[2480] Like, entitlement also was, like, the rules don't apply to me in some ways.

[2481] And I just remember, like, you guys, when we're in airports.

[2482] Oh, the lines leading up to security.

[2483] Yeah.

[2484] And you can duck and sometimes you, like, mess them up.

[2485] And it wasn't, like, forever.

[2486] But I was, like, you guys, like, these things – someone put these here for a reason.

[2487] And we're just going to – It's like, these things have to be such, it's a small amount of frustration.

[2488] But it's just like, I don't always get to duck the line.

[2489] Sometimes I have to like walk a little longer.

[2490] Or I remember my kids saying, and I'm not immune to this.

[2491] Like, I am in a financial position where I have someone come, sometimes help me be my housekeeper, right?

[2492] And she'll fold the laundry.

[2493] I remember on a Sunday, my son said to me when he was younger, like, why do we have to fold the laundry?

[2494] Kind of like, I don't think he said it, but he was kind of like, don't we have someone, you know, who could do that?

[2495] And I remember being like, this is a moment where I could be like, We're going to fold the laundry on Sundays.

[2496] You know who loves folding laundry?

[2497] Maybe some people are like, I don't.

[2498] I don't love undoing the dishwasher.

[2499] It is inherently not that enjoyable.

[2500] But, like, and so frustrating.

[2501] It's just, like, not great.

[2502] And, like, I know I need to make my kids do that.

[2503] Like, they just have to go through that mundane thing.

[2504] And so I think there's all of these moments, taking your kid with you on errands, you know, doing the laundry, right?

[2505] On another soccer team, just like, oh, you didn't make the team.

[2506] Maybe let it go two days.

[2507] That's at least two more days of feeling upset and frustrated, right?

[2508] They don't have to be these big grand things, but all of those little moments can add up in a really positive way.

[2509] What's your stance on household chores and should kids be paid for household chores?

[2510] Yes, I have a whole guide to chores and allowance.

[2511] And I actually, you know, I think there's a lot of thought, like, should they be separate?

[2512] I don't know.

[2513] I think it could be done either way.

[2514] But to me, the question for a parent is like, what is the point for me?

[2515] Like, what is my goal for chores?

[2516] What is my goal for allowance, right?

[2517] And I think that has to then structure how we do it.

[2518] So my guess is for chores, part of it is I want my kid to, number one, maybe like help around the house, want them to have that purpose.

[2519] Also, like I know for me for chores, like sometimes your life involves doing boring things.

[2520] That is just true.

[2521] And like I want my kids to know that, which means they have to experience it.

[2522] That's one of the reasons we do chores.

[2523] So for me, if that's one of the reasons, I'm not going to pay my kid because for me and my family, what I think my kids need to get out of it is just like knowing that sometimes you do boring things as part of being a good human.

[2524] For someone else, that might be totally different.

[2525] So I think we just ask ourselves as parents, like what am I trying to accomplish?

[2526] And then let me structure it around that.

[2527] Across the course of today's discussion, I've been feeling both immense gratitude and relief for certain, quote unquote, hardships that I experienced and things that my parents made me do or ways that they were negligent.

[2528] And I was forced to figure things out.

[2529] Also, you know, something.

[2530] So I was like, oh, like, wish they had done this.

[2531] I think everyone listening to this will feel that way.

[2532] And if you're lucky enough to still be in the parenting child or being a child process, then there's still time.

[2533] So I guess there's always still time.

[2534] In my introduction to this episode, I touched on a few of these, but tell us what you're doing these days to help parents and kids indirectly or directly to be more effective in their relationships.

[2535] And, you know, I know you've written about this in books and you have a wonderful social media account on Instagram and elsewhere.

[2536] I follow it.

[2537] And there's oh, so much learning there.

[2538] But, you know, how are you translating this knowledge into actionable programs?

[2539] Yeah.

[2540] That is my – like that is what gets me out of bed every morning is translating.

[2541] I always say deep thoughts, actionable, practical, can do with today's strategies.

[2542] Yes.

[2543] That's the only way I can work.

[2544] I'm like tell me what to do to put that idea into action.

[2545] Love it.

[2546] So, you know, a couple years ago, one of the things that really struck me was just like – I really did feel angry.

[2547] Like this is so messed up.

[2548] We – parents have the hardest job and it's the one that impacts the world the most.

[2549] And I don't think any of us think the world is in like a great place right now.

[2550] Right?

[2551] No. It's not.

[2552] Right.

[2553] And this is – and I remember someone coming up to me and saying parenting is also the only job you care about on your deathbed.

[2554] And I think that's probably true if you have kids.

[2555] So like for every reason, this should be the place that they're – Like that we invest the most or that the system is like set up to help us, right?

[2556] And most people I know, they don't want to parent the exact same way as they were parented, maybe take parts.

[2557] And that is the way we'll parent.

[2558] It's just kind of the language we use.

[2559] And learning a new language we know is totally possible.

[2560] Like Duolingo has showed us that.

[2561] You can learn a new language.

[2562] It's hard.

[2563] Sometimes you revert to your language of origin, especially in stressful moments, same thing in parenting, and then you go back.

[2564] And so I remember saying to some people around me, like, I want to create that like kind of Duolingo for parents.

[2565] It is learning a new language.

[2566] And we should have a product where we have resources in one place.

[2567] We should be able to connect to other parents around the globe.

[2568] We're kind of doing this with us.

[2569] We should have access to experts we trust, not because they always know better, but they might just help us have a different mindset and some ideas to.

[2570] Help us again.

[2571] And my mind is just act more in line with your own values.

[2572] That's what it's about.

[2573] And so that's what we created.

[2574] And that's what I'm working on.

[2575] And that's our Good Inside membership.

[2576] And so excited about all the ways, you know, that's already impacting.

[2577] tens and tens of thousands of parents.

[2578] And that's where the resources are.

[2579] It's bite -sized.

[2580] It's actionable.

[2581] We're really known for our scripts.

[2582] It's like, what do I say to my kid when?

[2583] Like, literally, we have a script for that.

[2584] And I think in a small way, people like say, like, I come for the scripts and then I stay for the revolution.

[2585] Like, this is actually a journey of my own sturdiness.

[2586] And honestly, becoming a sturdier, more confident leader is the only way we can raise sturdy, more confident kids.

[2587] I've said this again and again throughout today's discussion, but I love it.

[2588] I love the gathering of information, the organizing it and dispersing it in actionable ways.

[2589] And you've done all of that and you're continuing to do that.

[2590] And you also have the clinical background and you're a parent.

[2591] So you're speaking from professional and immediate experience and you put, oh, so much work into it.

[2592] I can tell that by the – directness and simplicity of the actionables that you've taught us today, and also how much resides underneath those direct, simple actionables.

[2593] Just beautiful.

[2594] I've had many conversations on this podcast with many brilliant people, including yourself, but this is among the ones that I really say has really me thinking and I don't think I've ever said wow so many times during the discussion here and there's just so much knowledge to be gleaned from today's discussion thanks to you and just on behalf of myself and everyone listening parents and kids and those who want to be parents and those who don't and who have made the choice not to and are certainly engaged in other forms of relationship and this is just absolute gold that you've provided us.

[2595] So thank you ever so much.

[2596] Your generosity, your clarity of communication and the heart behind it really comes through.

[2597] So thank you.

[2598] Thank you so much.

[2599] Thank you for joining me for today's discussion about parent -child and other types of relationships with Dr. Becky Kennedy.

[2600] To learn more about Dr. Kennedy's work, please see the links in the show note captions, including the links to her bestselling book, Good Inside, and to the online learning platform for better parenting.

[2601] You can also find links to her social media accounts.

[2602] As I mentioned during today's episode, she has a terrific Instagram account in which she regularly posts practical tools for better parenting and other types of relationships.

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