One Quick Way to De-Escalate (Listen With Your Kids)

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[22] Hello and welcome to the Calm Parenting podcast.

[23] This is Kirk's strongwilled son, Casey, and I am taking over the podcast this week.

[24] You can find us on Instagram and Facebook and all over social media.

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[26] If you have any questions for me, please feel free to email me at Casey at CelebrateCalm .com and I will be happy to help you and your family.

[27] I want to share an idea for de -escalating emotional situations and I'd like to dig into a pretty common situation, something that our family struggled with a lot and that some of you may struggle with as well.

[28] your kids are on screens for the 100th hour of the week you ask them to do the chores that they've been ignoring since Monday they snap back at you with a nasty tone you yell back at them that they can't talk to you that way and the situation escalates everyone gets upset turns out terribly or maybe your kids are playing with their siblings and it's starting to get rough or mildly insulting all was going well until one snaps and loses it.

[29] And when I was a teenager, my dad and I had a tendency to go from zero to a hundred and two seconds flat.

[30] And I remember playing video games one day and my dad coming into the room using his typical approach of, hey, Casey, I know you're enjoying the video games.

[31] I just want you to know that you have two chores to do.

[32] And I need them done by 8 p .m. How you do it?

[33] I don't care.

[34] Just need to be done by 8 p .m. otherwise, no video games this weekend.

[35] Now, at 7 p .m., I had naturally still not done any of my chores, so my dad came into the room to remind me that I had about an hour left, and I should really get going on the chores.

[36] I responded with, I know I still have plenty of time.

[37] Leave me alone.

[38] My dad wasn't really having any of that, so he snapped back at me. The situation escalated, devolved into a fight that lasted well beyond 8 p .m. None of the chores got done.

[39] I lost my video games, and the night was fraught with anger, disappointment, and frustration.

[40] So how could that situation be handled differently?

[41] We know that situations tend to escalate.

[42] So how do we change our behavior, and instead of lashing out, de -escalate the situation before it gets to the point of no return?

[43] And I want your kids to listen to this.

[44] One of our favorite ideas is this idea of having a code word.

[45] It's an idea that kids across the country take home from my student assemblies and they take it home and they apply it immediately.

[46] So if my parents and I started to get to that point where we knew things were going to turn into a fight, we would say a code word.

[47] Our code phrase was chips and salsa.

[48] Chips and salsa basically meant we're going to be quiet, stop talking, and give each other space.

[49] It said that in a respectful way.

[50] because when we're upset, we have a hard time sharing things in a respectful way.

[51] So having a code word is a good way of not saying something we shouldn't say.

[52] But our code word meant, be quiet, no more talking, let's give some space.

[53] It was a way for us to separate for a few minutes and calm ourselves down before things got to the point of no return.

[54] And sometimes that's all you need.

[55] That's all your parents need.

[56] That's all your siblings need.

[57] a few minutes to step back and process the frustration or disappointment or whatever is going on.

[58] If we would have had a code word in the chore situation, it's likely that I would have gotten some of my chores done or all of them done.

[59] And instead of escalating the situations this weekend, I want you and your family to come up with a code word so you can calm situations instead of escalating.

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[61] Well, with one tool, you won't lose your screen time.

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[64] And kids, you always say you want more freedom, but you can't have freedom without earning trust with your parents.

[65] And one of the best ways to earn trust with your parents is to show your parents that you know how to calm situations down instead of yelling, mouthing off, and escalating.

[66] So this weekend, I want you to come up with a code word that you can use anytime your brothers or sisters are annoying you, anytime you get into a conflict with your parents, and then I want you to try.

[67] Use the code word, step back, take 10 minutes apart, and then come back and talk about things.

[68] And see if that changes the situations in the home.

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[73] If you have questions for me, if you need help financially, need help putting together a custom bundle for your family, email me at Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, and I will be happy to help you out.

[74] And until next week, I hope you have a great weekend, and thanks so much for joining us.