Do Calm Strategies Apply to Kids/Parents of All Ages?

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[24] So here's a common question.

[25] How do the calm principles change depending on your living or marriage situation?

[26] Like, is it different if you're a married couple or if you're a single mom or single dad or like a stay -at -home mom or a stay -at -home dad?

[27] Well, what about the mom who's a yeller and the dad who's kind of passive?

[28] Or what about the reverse?

[29] Or what if you're a gay couple?

[30] Or what if you're Christian or Jewish or Muslim or atheist or Buddhist?

[31] How does that change everything?

[32] Or what about the age of the kids?

[33] I mean, it's got to be different like if you're a toddler or if you're dealing with an eight -year -old or an eight, 10 -year -old, or what about a tween or a teen?

[34] Isn't it different?

[35] No, it's not different at all.

[36] And so I want to address that and show you how in this podcast that the same principles apply.

[37] No matter what your situation is, no matter what the age of the child is, how we apply it, the manifestation, the specific strategies will change.

[38] but the underlying principles, which I'll go through a couple examples, don't change, which is awesome for us.

[39] So that's what I want to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenthood podcast.

[40] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[41] This is a bonus podcast because I've gotten this question.

[42] I just wanted to address it singularly in one podcast so that we can kind of go through how do we apply this in different ways.

[43] If you need help, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[44] Tell us about your family, your situation.

[45] When you tell us about your situation, we are going to ask you about the ages of your kids.

[46] Because when we reply back to you personally, that makes a difference.

[47] It makes a difference if you're a single parent or if you're trying to co -parent with an X, which is a lot of fun.

[48] Or if you're a married couple and you're on the same page, that's going to be a little bit different than a married couple who's not on the same page, which is pretty much the norm.

[49] But let me go through this.

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[54] So let's just go through this.

[55] So a married couple.

[56] A married couple will have certain advantages because there's two of you and you pretty much need like four for every strong will child you have.

[57] But there's two of you and that's a nice advantage because when one's tired, the other one can pick up the slack.

[58] When one's kind of upset, the other one can be calm.

[59] But it also has some disadvantages in that there's an entire dynamic underneath in your marriage where one spouse thinks the other one's being too slack, too soft, and coddling the child, and the other parent thinks that the other one's just too strict and too tough and yells all the time.

[60] And so you have to manage that.

[61] And think about this.

[62] How many of your kids, when they're with one parent, are just awesome?

[63] And now both parents are long for an activity and it all falls apart, right?

[64] So you could be a single mom or a single dad.

[65] Well, that obviously is a Obviously, it has challenges because there's just one of you and you're going to be more exhausted.

[66] And if you have more than one job, they're going to team up on you.

[67] My mom raised four teenagers by yourself.

[68] We were all taller than her.

[69] We were all bigger than her.

[70] She did an awesome job, but that's not easy.

[71] The other disadvantage of being a single parent is if you have to co -parent with an ex -spouse who isn't really that awesome.

[72] And judging by the fact that you divorce them, they're probably.

[73] probably not that awesome.

[74] And if they were going to listen to you with your new parenting, calm parenting thing, well, if they're going to listen to you, you'd probably still be married.

[75] So you're going to have to navigate that.

[76] And there are a lot of dynamics in there that are difficult.

[77] The nice part of it is that if you have primary custody, well, your child's with you and you don't have to worry about managing your spouse's emotions all the time.

[78] Right?

[79] So see, there's easier things, tougher things.

[80] Gender -wise.

[81] Overall, I know you will hear me tend to generalize that the guy is more like the my way or the highway kind of approach because that's how I was and in my experience that tends to be more of the calls the emails that we deal with but it's not the only way I deal with a lot of moms who when we get on phone consultations or email us who are like I'm like the dad like I'm I am rigid and I'm like this my way or the highway and I'm the yellow and I'm the screamer and my husband is the really sweet one or my husband's the patient one or my husband's the passive one.

[82] Again, you're going to have all those varieties, but it still doesn't change how you parent your child.

[83] It doesn't change how you learn how to deal with yourself and it doesn't change how you deal with your child.

[84] Get into that in a minute.

[85] You could be a gay couple.

[86] And again, it doesn't change the fact that no matter whether, no matter what creed, color, religion, whatever you are, and we could go through 80 different categories, it doesn't change the fact that as a parent, you probably have a lot of anxiety about your child's future, and many of you have, like I do, control issues, and you have different peculiarities.

[87] And guess what else you have?

[88] You have a childhood with all kinds of experiences that have shaped you in ways that you don't even know until you get a little bit older.

[89] Right?

[90] And it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Muslim or atheist or Buddhist, some of those things hopefully will help you be a little bit more calm and take a longer term view, whatever it is.

[91] But no matter who I talk to, right, you're still wanting basically the same things for your child and you're struggling with the same issues.

[92] It doesn't change, right?

[93] Oh, but I'm a person of faith so I don't struggle with that.

[94] Yeah, you do.

[95] You're just in denial because I'm a person of faith too and I've dealt with thousands, hundreds of thousands and I can tell you sometimes the people of faith have way more issues and that's partly maybe why they're people of faith because they realize I'm kind of messed up.

[96] Maybe I need some extra help here.

[97] So the point is not to get hung up on all of those things because, and I don't think any of you are doing this, but I have been at live workshops when people have come up and said, you know, my situation is just really different.

[98] Well, the truth is most of the time, it's not that different.

[99] I know you have extra stressors.

[100] Some of you have disabled children or some of you are married to someone or you yourself has a physical disability or is in chronic pain.

[101] Or maybe you have an aging parent that is living with you or grandparents that are struggling with dementia.

[102] I understand that there are all kinds of added complexities and stressors.

[103] that affect your situation, but they still don't change the principles that we use.

[104] Also, I mention this.

[105] It doesn't matter if your child's 2, 3, 5, 7, 9, 14, 17, 19.

[106] It doesn't matter to me. The same principles apply.

[107] Now, how we apply things to a 2 -year -old, it's going to be different than a 4 -year -old, most of the time, sometimes not, right?

[108] But most of the time.

[109] So I hope that makes sense.

[110] So let's, let's go through this quickly.

[111] I'll give a couple examples.

[112] Here are some foundational principles and truths that we work with.

[113] Number one, the only person in life that you can control is yourself.

[114] And the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control yourself.

[115] Look, with a toddler, you can't reason with a two or three year old, but they pick up on your tone of voice.

[116] Immediately.

[117] When you walk into the room, your toddler often is more sensitive to your tone of voice in your body posture than even a 12 or 15 year old.

[118] Because when you're little like that, you're absorbing everything.

[119] They can feel your anxiety.

[120] I often will say, your kids know what mood you are in every morning before you know.

[121] Because they can hear it in your voice and they can hear it in the tone.

[122] So a toddler or a teenager, if you use a certain tone of voice with a toddler and if you use a certain tone of voice with a teenager, they're going to pick up on it and react to it in a negative way.

[123] And so the quickest way to change that isn't by changing the toddler or the teenager, it's by controlling yourself, your anxiety, and your tone of voice.

[124] See how that works.

[125] it's really interesting.

[126] And so we have control issues.

[127] I want things done a certain way.

[128] So when kids are toddlers, it's pick up your toys, pick up toys, don't leave Legos all over.

[129] When they're teenagers, clean up your bedroom, you need to clean your bedroom, you can't leave stuff, you can't leave food in your in your bedroom, you've got to do, right?

[130] It doesn't really change.

[131] It's what they're doing changes, but you are still the same and you're still getting on your child.

[132] Are you not if you have a teenager I guarantee you the strong will child you are still getting on them and trying to change something about them that irritated them irritated you when they were little before it was leaving little Legos on the floor and now it's leaving big kids stuff and wrappers and food on the floor and their clothes and they stink right when they were little it was one issue now it's a different issue but they're still the same kid, they're just a little bit older.

[133] So controlling your own control issues, your own perfectionism, your desire, your need for order for things to be done a certain way is not dependent on the age of the child.

[134] It's not dependent on whether you are married, single, whether you're gay, whether you're straight, whether you're religious or not religious.

[135] It doesn't matter.

[136] It still comes down to you learning how to control yourself and lead with calm, confident authority.

[137] How does that change whether you're a single mom?

[138] Is it harder in certain ways to lead with calm, confident authority as a single parent?

[139] Sure it is.

[140] But it doesn't change the fact that you still have to do that, right?

[141] Because I don't know if I finished my story there, but I often heard people, well, my situation's different and oftentimes I'd say can I plead with you to say it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to why you don't need to lead with calm confident authority and why you don't need to control your own anxiety and your own control issues because I understand that your situation may be entirely unique but certain things don't change and they're universal in us and so when we get to how do we how do we work with these kids we give more energy to giving kids tools to succeed than we do than just giving consequences for failure.

[142] We spend way more time affirming for what they're already doing well rather than pointing out everything that needs to change and that they're not doing well.

[143] We put more energy into accentuating their natural gifts, talents, and passions, right?

[144] In everyday situations, we give opportunities for them to shine rather than trying to fix everything that we think is wrong with them.

[145] That doesn't change whether they're married or single, what your political beliefs are.

[146] It doesn't change.

[147] And that doesn't change based on the age of the child.

[148] Now, how you do it changes.

[149] So let me give you an example.

[150] Many of you have kids who struggle with anxiety.

[151] And they will probably struggle with some measure of anxiety their entire lives.

[152] I'm 55.

[153] I still struggle with a measure of anxiety, but I'm very, very aware of it, and I have tools in my toolbox to deal with it so that it doesn't sidetrack me in life and cause me too many problems.

[154] Does it cause me to miss out on certain things?

[155] Yeah, because I like what's comfortable and established, and I like the knowns.

[156] And so I gravitate toward doing the same things over and over.

[157] Do I push myself out of my comfort zone?

[158] Absolutely, I do.

[159] But I'm in a place in life where I feel confident to do that.

[160] But let's just say your kids at age three going into preschool may not want to go and they're going to have a big meltdown in the morning.

[161] It's no different than your 9 -year -old, your 12 -year -old or your 17 -year -old who as school begins is going to have some social anxiety, anxiety about how he's going to perform in school.

[162] And the same strategy works for each child.

[163] It's to have another adult, a teacher, a vice principal, a guidance counselor, someone at school, or let's say they're going to after school activity like Taekwondo class.

[164] I want an instructor, a teacher, another adult to give your child a specific job to do, a specific mission every time they come to that class.

[165] So when they wake up in the morning or on Sunday night, when your kids often get stomach aches because of the anxiety over school, what they start thinking about is, oh, yeah, Mrs. Henderson really needs my help doing X, right?

[166] And they start focusing on their job to do and what they're good at doing rather than all the things that are unknowns that they're not sure about.

[167] And so for a three -year -old or a five -year -old, it's going to sound like, oh, Sarah, I'm so glad you showed up for preschool.

[168] I really need your help.

[169] And you're going to give them some job of organizing, paper clips or doing something small because they're five.

[170] For a 15 -year -old, you're not going to give them job organizing paper clips.

[171] You're going to give them some kind of technology job in a class, doing something that they're really, really good at doing that's more grown up.

[172] The strategy is the same.

[173] It's just that the application will change a little bit so that it's age -appropriate.

[174] Think about this.

[175] Meltdowns.

[176] When you're three -year -old, your five -year -old, your six -year -old, your eight -year -old has a meltdown, it is freaking both them out and you out.

[177] And everything goes to code red in your brain.

[178] That is no different than when your teenager or your tween is having a meltdown.

[179] In some cases, the teenager may have more advanced language, so to speak, but I wouldn't count on it because your strong -will kids learn pretty bad words early on.

[180] So their meltdown may look and sound a little bit different, although if you step back, you realize it's the same thing, because it's coming from fear and anxiety and frustration and feeling overwhelmed.

[181] It's the same thing happening.

[182] It's just in one case you're looking at a four -year -old falling on the ground, and in another case, maybe you're looking at a teenager who is either despondent and shuts down or who is towering over you with a, his arms or her arms folded, rolling her eyes, looking at you, and back talking you.

[183] There's still the same thing happening, and it still requires the same approach.

[184] One is that you can't react to that, and you need to be the calm, confident leader that leads them to a calm place rather than getting sucked into all of their drama.

[185] That doesn't change, whether you're married or a single parent, whether you're religious or not, whether you're a gay couple, whether you're a yeller, whether you're passive, it doesn't matter.

[186] You still have to stay calm in the moment and be that rock that they can count on so that instead of saying you need to change your behavior so I can deal with it, you're the one who says, hey, when your world is out of control, mine's not.

[187] I can help you with this.

[188] And the strategy is still the same.

[189] Motion change.

[190] emotion in some cases with little kids we might do something more physical with them or we may sit and color I will tell you teenage daughters teenage sons if everything's tense in your home sit down and just start coloring and hold a crayon up because teenagers love to color too and adults love to color we were just at a birthday party for a friend and it was a little kid place and they brought out crayons and the little things to color in I immediately went for it.

[191] Why?

[192] Because I'm a child.

[193] No, because it's really, really calming to do.

[194] And so the strategies in some cases can be exactly the same for a four -year -old that they could 14 -year -old.

[195] Or it could be that the teenager, you're going to have to say, hey, I want to run through a sort, hop in the car, you can come help me do an errand.

[196] So does that make sense?

[197] I don't want us to make excuses for it.

[198] I also don't want us to get overwhelmed.

[199] I want you to know that no matter what your situation is, no matter what age your child is in, we still have to do the same things as parents and we still give the same tools.

[200] What we try to do in our, hopefully in the podcast and definitely in our CDs, the programs, the materials, and the phone consultations is give you very specific answers and specific strategies that are different for different age groups.

[201] Anyway, I hope that makes sense.

[202] If you have questions about that, or you disagree just email us email Casey C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com and we'd love to hear from you we'd love to help you no matter what your situation is and and we do know that there are things if you're a single parent who's dealing with an ex who's destroying your child's confidence well obviously we have to address that in different ways but that same thing also just think about this it also happens within the context of many marriages where one of the spouses is hurting the child's confidence by the way that they treat him.

[203] Right?

[204] So anyway, I hope that made sense to you.

[205] We are happy to help you.

[206] Love to help you.

[207] We appreciate you listening and sharing the podcast, and we will talk to you soon.