Marc Maron

[0] Hi, my name is Mark Maron.

[1] And I feel nervous about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] All he's here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand of shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] Tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Hello there, and welcome to Conan O 'Brien.

[6] Needs a friend.

[7] Pretty simple idea.

[8] This is the show where I, Conan O 'Brien, talk to people.

[9] A lot of them I've known for many years.

[10] They've been on my show many times.

[11] I'm just trying to find out, could we be real friends?

[12] Not just on the air, talk show pals, but real friends.

[13] And I'm aided in my quest by my trusty assistant, Sonam of Sessian.

[14] Hello?

[15] I am Don Quixote, and you're my Sancho Panza.

[16] Okay.

[17] I am Batman, and you're my Robin.

[18] Okay.

[19] Right?

[20] I think that's fair sure I don't Robin's not as he's not cool he's not interesting you're not brooding like Batman but I'll take it yeah no you're you're definitely he's chipper you're definitely Robin maybe you're Robin and I'm bat you think you're Batman I think you're Batman I think you're Batman I think of Robin as Batman's assistant the way you're my assistant yeah but I'm going more by personality like That man is cool, and Robin is, like, not as cool.

[21] Okay, we'll talk about that later.

[22] Okay.

[23] Also aided by my producer, Matt, Gourley, Matt, you do all kinds of stuff, and I don't understand it.

[24] You put things through filters, you touch various buttons, you have levels.

[25] What do you do?

[26] I'm the Alfred the butler of this podcast.

[27] Oh, you're Alfred.

[28] Yeah.

[29] I'm living there in the podcast cave, just keeping things, wearing a tux, keeping things tidy.

[30] So you're Alfred, Sona is Batman, and I am Robin, who seems to be doing a lot more work than Batman, that's for sure.

[31] Yes, in this context, yes.

[32] Well, what a weird trio we are.

[33] But we're working together on this quest to find friends.

[34] Today we're going to talk to someone I've known for a really long time, Mark Marin.

[35] Mark has been struggling in the podcast space, and maybe this will give him a little bit of a boost.

[36] He could use it.

[37] Yeah.

[38] Anyway, I'm thrilled he's here, Mark Merritt.

[39] Why would I make you nervous?

[40] Well, I think you're relatively nervous, and I'm a kind of guy that has limited boundaries, so I pick up on your anxiety.

[41] You pick up on my anxiety?

[42] Yeah, you're making me...

[43] What are you yelling already?

[44] Because every time that you've come on the show, and it's been 25 years, you've been coming on the show.

[45] I think you've been on the show more than anyone else next to Al Roker.

[46] Yeah.

[47] You, and you're in the Al Roker League, so congratulations.

[48] He's a lot more happy than me. Whenever you're on the show, and after all these years, you're saying that I make you nervous.

[49] A little, yeah, but not, like, not in the way where I'm sort of like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this or if he likes me or something.

[50] It's just that you're pretty amped.

[51] So I got to get amped.

[52] And sometimes when I get amped, you know, it's hit or miss with me. But with Roker, at least every thought.

[53] How dare you put that on me?

[54] You're putting your whole personality on me. You're a neurotic guy.

[55] Yeah.

[56] You're an anxious guy.

[57] Yes.

[58] You are not a settled zeal.

[59] Ben guy.

[60] That's right.

[61] And suddenly you're here saying, yeah, I'm that way because of you, Conan.

[62] I don't know.

[63] I'm just saying you that you amp it up, Lou.

[64] I think I'm very calm.

[65] I'm a very calm guy.

[66] But see, even how you say calm is making me anxious.

[67] Sona.

[68] Yes.

[69] Am I a calm guy?

[70] That's Sona.

[71] I'm not Sona.

[72] I'm not.

[73] Are you calm?

[74] Would you say I'm a calm -centered?

[75] No, I would not say you're a calm person.

[76] There you go.

[77] Honestly.

[78] I think you're pretty, I agree with Mark.

[79] I'm sorry.

[80] I'm sorry.

[81] You think I'm tightly wound?

[82] You're, yeah.

[83] Okay.

[84] I think you are.

[85] Maybe you should, well, that was nice, but maybe no more of you during this conversation.

[86] Do you remember one of the first times?

[87] I mean, I have to be honest that I think that I deserve, I should be, even though me and Roker have been on roughly the same amount of times, maybe him a little more, is that he has this built -in thing.

[88] Every other or every two appearances with Roker, you could go, like, wow, you lost the weight.

[89] See, with me, fresh every time.

[90] Yes.

[91] Yeah.

[92] You, I have to come up with a new idea.

[93] every single time I talked to.

[94] Well, you kind of wait for me to kind of start it awkwardly.

[95] Yes.

[96] I never understood why that happened, though.

[97] Even though it became a thing with us, I do not understand why it happened.

[98] Here's the brilliant thing about you.

[99] There are many brilliant things, but that was just a common way.

[100] I like it.

[101] I like it.

[102] Here's what is amazing about you.

[103] 25 years.

[104] You've been on so many times.

[105] And every time you come out, every time you come out.

[106] And this is back way before WTF, way before you were Mark Merrin, the podcast God, the Mark Merrin.

[107] Before I became a mid -level celebrity that half the people knew.

[108] You were above mid -level.

[109] You were high -mid -level.

[110] Yes, high -mid, I'll take it, yeah.

[111] Okay.

[112] Long before all that, you would come on my show, do panel, and you would always dig a hole.

[113] You would dig a hole in front of the audience.

[114] Never intentionally, though.

[115] I know.

[116] But you would dig a hole.

[117] The audience would turn on you, and you would always dig your way out.

[118] I know.

[119] And I don't know how you did it.

[120] Well, I mean, that's the way I work.

[121] That's how I create.

[122] But I never planned it.

[123] I always thought when I got out there, whatever my idea was to start the thing with, was just going to nail it.

[124] Every time I'm amazed, I get out there.

[125] See, I don't know if it's my energy or my reacting to your energy, as we've already established, where if it's a tone thing, but I put the first thing out, and then nothing, and then you look at me, and then it's like, you did it again, and then I got to look at the audience, go, really?

[126] And then they like me. But there's always that beat.

[127] You would turn on the audience, and you would acknowledge that you would start it badly.

[128] And you would do this every single time.

[129] And I'm telling people out there listening to this, you can go online and look up Mark Merrin appearances.

[130] From the beginning.

[131] From 1993, almost to the present, it's always the same.

[132] You go out, you say something you shouldn't say.

[133] We planned it?

[134] Maybe we didn't.

[135] Maybe that was my problem.

[136] No, you would freestyle it.

[137] You would freestyle it.

[138] And you would say, you know, the Nazis, give them some credit for, and then bang.

[139] The Nazis were anti -abortion, right?

[140] Something like that.

[141] Yeah, something like that.

[142] You know, Hitler built the auto bond.

[143] That's a good way to get around.

[144] Well, it would have been the other way.

[145] It would have been the Nazis were pro -abortioning.

[146] Like, there was a good thing about the Nazis.

[147] You just revealed.

[148] Choice, pro -choice.

[149] I don't know if it's true, but I'm just trying to make an example.

[150] Yeah.

[151] And now I just did what I did on the show here on the podcast.

[152] I just did it again.

[153] This is exactly what happens.

[154] That you are anti -abortion.

[155] That's what they think right now.

[156] Just hearing that quip.

[157] No, that was not the point of it.

[158] See, this is how it happens.

[159] and see the dynamic that's unfolding?

[160] Yeah.

[161] And then you have to save me and then I can get back on track.

[162] That's why it happens.

[163] So you can save me. So you can look good.

[164] I'm going to tell you something.

[165] What?

[166] I've been very happy for you because the podcast exploded.

[167] You are on the Mount Rushmore of podcast.

[168] It's your face chiseled into a mountain next to Ira Glass, next to Sarah Koenig.

[169] I mean, this is huge.

[170] Ira started, he was a radio guy first.

[171] They just loaded up his radio show.

[172] onto the podcast platform, and he found success because he already had it.

[173] I would like him to be removed from that mountain.

[174] Wait, you're throwing shaded Ira Glass?

[175] Oh, hell, yeah, I'll throw shaded Ira Glass.

[176] Okay.

[177] How can you just talk like that all the time and act like it's going to be good for 30 years?

[178] Anyways, no, I love Ira.

[179] No, you don't.

[180] No, I revealed you did.

[181] You know, no, you have some resentment towards Ira Glass.

[182] It's not good time for me. He started in radio and then just shifted over into podcasts.

[183] He didn't shift.

[184] They just put his radio show on there.

[185] Yeah.

[186] And so you really helped develop this format.

[187] Exactly.

[188] You helped create this format.

[189] You know, you are a giant in the podcast industry.

[190] Yeah, I'd say that, like on the mountain, a little more hiking up to me from where Ira's nose is.

[191] Okay.

[192] That's all.

[193] No, no. Let me say this more clearly.

[194] Ira is sort of towards the bottom of the mountain.

[195] He's how you access the mountain.

[196] You step over his face to then start climbing the mountain.

[197] And when you get to the top, there you are, Mark Merrin.

[198] I would say that everybody who, like, I think what Ira did and what NPR has done, what everyone's done with podcasting, is anything that brings people to the medium, to getting it, to the, to the access.

[199] Because there's a whole generation of people to this day.

[200] My father, who I think is lying, can't figure out how to listen to one of my shows.

[201] But that's a whole other, you know, if we want to talk about that, we're going to have to get some of these people out of here.

[202] So, why?

[203] Because it's personal and I wanted, you know.

[204] Oh, but that's what you do.

[205] I know, man. You go deep.

[206] Sometimes.

[207] You go deep.

[208] and you get inside.

[209] I'm not going to do that on this podcast.

[210] I'll do it naturally.

[211] But no, I'm happy for anybody who brings people to the medium so they have choices.

[212] Okay.

[213] That was diplomatic and I love Ira.

[214] I've listened to a show several times.

[215] I get moved.

[216] It's always a good story.

[217] You never know where it's going.

[218] He's obviously created something amazing, but it didn't start as a podcast.

[219] But I have respect for him.

[220] Sure.

[221] You ended with the passive aggressive resentment.

[222] Mm -hmm.

[223] Okay.

[224] Here's what I want to say, Mark.

[225] You have this podcast, and I had such respect for your podcast and I went on your podcast and it's revered that for that reason and there were many people that said to me Conan you should have a podcast you have a quick agile mind you have a smooth speaking voice you should have a podcast and I said no I won't do it because I have a TV show Mark has the podcast then you betrayed me you got listen you got Marin the TV show okay that wasn't enough for you then glow right okay you have two TV shows in a podcast that is why I'm starting this podcast.

[226] Out of spite.

[227] Out of spite.

[228] Why should you have two TV shows and a podcast and me just a TV show?

[229] Yeah.

[230] No, I get that.

[231] And I think, all right, check made, I guess.

[232] Yeah, I guess I win this round, on my buddy.

[233] I guess you got in at the right time.

[234] There's only 90 ,000 podcasts.

[235] Is that true?

[236] I was told there were very few of these.

[237] I was told by my people that this is...

[238] Your timing is perfect, right at the point where people have had enough of podcast, you're launching one.

[239] and I think that's great.

[240] I was told, I was assured by my people that there was you and like one other, and that was it.

[241] Yeah, it's only, just the 10 on iTunes that are listed in the top 10, that's the only ones that exist.

[242] Don't ever scroll below that.

[243] No, it's going to be great.

[244] This is news to me. You're doing a great job already.

[245] Listen, I respect you.

[246] Thank you.

[247] You are a master of this format.

[248] What's your advice?

[249] Is there anything you could tell me about a podcast?

[250] Are there things I should avoid?

[251] or there are things I should be doing or how do you prepare?

[252] Give me some advice.

[253] We've been friends along.

[254] Well, not friends, but we've known each other professionally.

[255] Do you remember the advice I gave you, right, like the first year of your show, like one of my first appearances?

[256] It was so funny because I was in a different place in my life there.

[257] And I told you, before I go on, I told you my mantra, which was hide the hate.

[258] Yes.

[259] And you sort of took that with you.

[260] Hide the hate.

[261] Hide the hate.

[262] Well, that's also, that's a very, Irish Catholic thing.

[263] We hide the hate.

[264] If you hate someone, you tell everyone but that person that you hate them.

[265] But you never tell that person.

[266] No, hide the hate and display the shame.

[267] Right.

[268] That's the Irish Catholic, right?

[269] Yes.

[270] Advice for podcasting.

[271] I don't know.

[272] For me, I don't, I prepare, like my, I see your notes.

[273] My notes look more like just your handwritten ones.

[274] There's never any typed things with me. And I usually just do bullet points or scattered, I do almost like a weird collage of bits and pieces I want to know about.

[275] So it starts to look like the inside of my brain.

[276] So I don't have any ordered way of sort of asking questions.

[277] I just have a bunch of ideas about the person or bits.

[278] Like if somebody cured cancer, you don't want to miss that one.

[279] You should probably involve that in the conversation.

[280] Like I try to, big achievements or things are known for.

[281] I'll throw that on the list.

[282] I'm looking through here for big achievements.

[283] You brought a podcast.

[284] For cancer.

[285] A lot of Conan's.

[286] You already did it.

[287] You did it naturally.

[288] Hold on a second.

[289] You don't have me curing cancer?

[290] No. Let's see.

[291] It says here you got a Latin Grammy.

[292] Yeah, see, this is good podcasting.

[293] You're not prepared.

[294] It's a human moment.

[295] You're looking through your pages.

[296] There's a rough edge to it.

[297] Yes.

[298] Like a lot of times you hear my neighbor working on his yard.

[299] Occasionally people would knock on the door.

[300] Sometimes when Andy Richter was on, that was what got me to get an air conditioner.

[301] Like Andy came on and it was summer and it was in the garage and I had not put a unit in the window yet and Andy almost died.

[302] I don't know if he's talked about that publicly, but I'd never seen a person sweat more than that.

[303] And after that, I got an air conditioner.

[304] Ed Helms had a cat allergy.

[305] I didn't think that the cats would trans.

[306] You know, there was no cat ever in the garage, but he was wheezing 40 minutes in and I needed an hour.

[307] So it was hard to listen to Ed wheeze and watch his throat tighten up.

[308] Two things you should know, okay, because you're carrying a lot of guilt here.

[309] No, I think we're okay.

[310] I got an air purifier is what I'm saying.

[311] That's what got me to do that.

[312] Somebody sent it in.

[313] Andy Richter sweats in a snowstorm.

[314] You should know that.

[315] And number two is Ed Helms has tuberculosis.

[316] Oh, my God.

[317] Yes.

[318] I don't feel bad anymore.

[319] No, great.

[320] He loves cats.

[321] He was not allergic to cats.

[322] He played banjo, I think, and he was like, he was.

[323] Ed Helms played banjo.

[324] I believe so.

[325] Am I making that up?

[326] No. He does play banjo.

[327] That's what he does.

[328] That's his thing.

[329] Yeah.

[330] Is he plays banjo.

[331] Yeah, he did.

[332] He played some banjo, my recollection.

[333] He stole that from Steve Martin, I believe.

[334] Yeah, that's all Steve does now, right, apparently.

[335] I wanted to have him on the show, but he was like, only if we only talk about banjo, and I'm like, I'm not doing that.

[336] You said no to Steve Martin?

[337] I did.

[338] No, you don't do that.

[339] I did.

[340] Wait a minute.

[341] What?

[342] No, you say yes to Steve Martin.

[343] He let him do what he wants to do.

[344] And then he's -get it in.

[345] Exactly.

[346] No, I know.

[347] I know the game.

[348] But, like, there's something about him that intimidates me. There's a few people that I have on that I don't think it's ever going to happen.

[349] and Steve, I think, would have a good conversation with.

[350] But it was just in this period where he'd written the book about stand -up and that was the end of it.

[351] Now it was all about banjo.

[352] And I got nothing against banjo.

[353] But then I got to fight.

[354] Then I got to have a Steve Martin who seems a little depressed anyways.

[355] We're talking about banjo.

[356] And then I go, like, when you first got on stage as a stand -up, he's like, like, I didn't want to deal with that.

[357] Usually what happens with older artists I've found, like, let's take Roger Waters, for example, from Pink Floyd.

[358] Yeah.

[359] Some of these guys, they're out promoting a record, which, which is sometimes the only way I can get them.

[360] And he gets in there.

[361] He's like, look, I don't want to talk about Pink Floyd.

[362] And I'm like, oh, Christ.

[363] All right.

[364] So this happens all the time on my show.

[365] Yeah.

[366] I don't want to talk about the only thing I'm known for.

[367] Right, right.

[368] And then you guys need in.

[369] And you've only got like 11 minutes.

[370] Yeah.

[371] And so it's like Eli Whitney invented the cotton chain.

[372] No cotton.

[373] And then he comes on and just before, just one thing.

[374] Let's just not talk about the cotton chain.

[375] That's all anybody knows about you, Eli.

[376] No, no, no, no, no. I'm working on something new.

[377] It's a shoe.

[378] No one cares.

[379] No one cares about your shoe, Eli.

[380] Is it a cotton shoe?

[381] You know, I've had so many times, and it's the publicist.

[382] Right.

[383] People have publicists.

[384] I know.

[385] The publicist always says...

[386] The first line of defense.

[387] The publicist.

[388] The publicist always says, you know that thing that's really funny that my client was going to say, that's hilarious, and it's going to totally kill, and it's going to go viral?

[389] We're killing that because we're going in a different direction.

[390] They're going to talk about linoleum.

[391] Exactly.

[392] Well, no, Roger, what ultimately happens is you realize that they do want to talk about it because they've been talking about it their whole life.

[393] And for some reason, they just think that the new thing they're doing is the best thing they've ever done because they have to.

[394] Yes.

[395] And, you know, you just work it around.

[396] And like within seconds, you know, Roger Waters was throwing David Gilmore under the bus.

[397] And I'm like, I didn't even ask for this.

[398] Right.

[399] Did you find him to be a little bit of a sour ball?

[400] He's an angry guy.

[401] Yeah.

[402] That's the same thing?

[403] Yes.

[404] I interviewed him once.

[405] And he was.

[406] incredibly sour.

[407] Intense, serious.

[408] Daddy stuff.

[409] Yeah.

[410] He's sour.

[411] He was no fun to talk to.

[412] I'll throw him out of the bus.

[413] I don't care.

[414] I'm not going to run into him again.

[415] You will.

[416] So I...

[417] Yeah, but I won't recognize him.

[418] No one does.

[419] That's one of the problems.

[420] Could you recognize any of Pink Floyd?

[421] Almost every band that you've liked your entire life, you would recognize.

[422] But like him, you wouldn't recognize David Giver on the street.

[423] I might recognize Gilmore.

[424] I don't even know what the drummer's name is.

[425] And they're a huge band.

[426] Isn't that weird?

[427] It's weird that we don't know.

[428] their faces.

[429] But I want to throw Roger Waters under the bus because he was a sour ball and then we go to commercial and you know in commercial that's usually when most guests there's a friendly exchange or two of a line and loosen up.

[430] You always say to lean over and go like, that was pretty good, right?

[431] That was okay.

[432] That's what you always do.

[433] That was okay, right?

[434] I always wonder if you're listening.

[435] Was that okay?

[436] I got to take care of Mark here.

[437] Yeah, exactly.

[438] The guest.

[439] So we throw to commercial but it band's playing.

[440] And Roger Waters turns to me and he goes, that's it?

[441] And I said, yeah, that was the end of the interview.

[442] And he went, then this is me leaving.

[443] And he stood up and walked out.

[444] Oh, so I see why you have a problem.

[445] And I was like, what is that?

[446] What is that?

[447] That's a guy that got, you know, tricked into doing your show, didn't really want to do it to begin with.

[448] I think he thought he was doing Ellen.

[449] Yeah, I don't, yeah.

[450] A lot of people, I can look like Ellen from the distance.

[451] But I find that with these guys, those guys, those older dudes, especially musicians.

[452] Like I, but some of them accept it.

[453] Like Neil Young, I didn't know, was a difficult interview.

[454] No one told me I should have done some homework, right?

[455] So now I got to pull teeth.

[456] And thank God he tried to figure out mathematically how many nicotine lozenges I do.

[457] And he got a real kick out of the equation.

[458] And we were kind of rolling from there.

[459] It turned out to be a good interview.

[460] That's the key to podcasting.

[461] Don't plan the conversation.

[462] Don't plan the conversation and nicotine lozenges.

[463] I was often for a while.

[464] I'm back on him.

[465] We don't need to talk about it.

[466] Oh, when someone says don't talk about it, I say let's talk about it.

[467] Oh, well, yeah, it's just a cycle with me. I got off them.

[468] Like, I haven't smoked a cigarette in, like, over a decade.

[469] It's been a long time.

[470] I was on the nicotine lozenges for a long time because I enjoy them.

[471] And then I found myself, you know, dipping and just getting any nicotine any way I could.

[472] And then I'm like, this has got to stop.

[473] And I stopped everything for a few months.

[474] And I thought, well, maybe I'll have a cigar.

[475] That would be nice.

[476] And then within weeks, I'm smoking two a day.

[477] I can't breathe.

[478] And then I've got to get off the cigars.

[479] And then we're back on the lozenges.

[480] And it all starts again, Conan.

[481] Good God.

[482] It's the joy.

[483] It's the joy of compulsive addictive behavior.

[484] Just end it now.

[485] No, no, no, no, no. Just end it now.

[486] It's just time to get off the, just end it now.

[487] And what, the addiction or all of it?

[488] The whole thing.

[489] Oh, no. You first.

[490] You first.

[491] You do it, I'll do it.

[492] It's time to shuffle off that mortal coil.

[493] You suffered enough.

[494] What was I going to tell you, man?

[495] I'm going to tell you some other things.

[496] I'm going to help you take your life.

[497] That's what I'm going to do.

[498] I'm on it.

[499] I'm actually doing, I've been exercising a lot.

[500] I went to the doctor.

[501] Everything's pretty good.

[502] Wait, so you went to the doctor.

[503] I know that you were very phobic about your health.

[504] Not bad.

[505] Not bad.

[506] Not as bad as used to be.

[507] Well, wait a minute.

[508] You had a big prostate scare.

[509] You told me that.

[510] I did?

[511] Yeah.

[512] You told me once that you had a prostate scare.

[513] I thought I had it.

[514] It's always, that's the, that's the fear of life.

[515] What was it made you feel that you had a prostate scare?

[516] Just too much time on my hands.

[517] But was there any symptom?

[518] What have I got to think about?

[519] I'm probably dying of something.

[520] I'm at that age.

[521] Maybe you'd go to the doctor and get one of those exams.

[522] Now, wake me up.

[523] You voluntarily went and had a guy put his hand up your ass.

[524] Not the whole hand.

[525] Where do you go?

[526] Oh, I have a guy that does two hands if you tip him.

[527] That's a hell of a doctor.

[528] Two hands and he'll, yeah, he gets all kinds of stuff in there.

[529] I pay him top quality.

[530] Is he sure it's a doctor?

[531] You know what?

[532] It's funny.

[533] He doesn't, he's not dressed like a doctor.

[534] You want to check his diploma.

[535] It's really weird.

[536] Take a look at that diploma.

[537] There's no diploma.

[538] Yeah.

[539] You got me thinking now.

[540] You know what we have to do?

[541] What?

[542] We have to take an ad break.

[543] Is that how you're going to do it?

[544] We're going to take an ad break.

[545] You can do your own reads or you're going to drop ads in?

[546] I do my own.

[547] ads.

[548] But you can do them later?

[549] You can do it now?

[550] I'm not going to do it now.

[551] Oh.

[552] I don't want you looking at me while I do an ad break because the only way I can do it and really feel good is I'm naked.

[553] And so I get it.

[554] But that's the difference between radio and podcasting is like when you do a radio show, you got to sit there and watch them do the thing.

[555] Hey, how's everybody?

[556] One of Vermont teddy bear?

[557] You like teddy bears?

[558] Vermont teddy bears.

[559] It's a big advertiser back in the day.

[560] Oh, is that true?

[561] Yeah.

[562] Vermont teddy bears.

[563] I said Alex Bennett used to do it when I was doing that show in San Francisco.

[564] I did radio for a while.

[565] You know, I tried to take an ad break, and it's impossible with you.

[566] Take an ad break.

[567] No, no, no. You tried to take an ad break, but you've had 45 nicotine lozenges.

[568] Let's throw to the ad break.

[569] You think you can do it?

[570] You think you can stop for a second?

[571] Hey, what is, what would you like your audience to buy, Conan?

[572] Oh, my God.

[573] I can't wait to tell you.

[574] But it seems like you got more to say about something.

[575] Oh, I have a lot more to say.

[576] Boom, ad break right there.

[577] I've got it.

[578] You know what?

[579] I just set you up.

[580] I did it.

[581] And I screwed it up.

[582] Yeah, I was trying to help out.

[583] Let's get to that.

[584] I break.

[585] See, he can't be the last...

[586] He can't let me be the last one to talk.

[587] They can just cut it.

[588] There's guys over there.

[589] Like half of this is going to go away.

[590] No, no, no. I'm keeping all of this.

[591] Let's just give us the ad copy.

[592] Let's read it now.

[593] They don't have it.

[594] What?

[595] Yeah.

[596] It's an advertiser that's on the fence until we got Marin.

[597] It's true.

[598] Okay.

[599] You know what it is?

[600] What?

[601] It's a company that sells nicotine lozenges.

[602] Oh, good.

[603] They wanted you.

[604] They send you swag?

[605] Yeah, they did.

[606] Hold on.

[607] We'll take a break.

[608] And now it's time for a segment called Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[609] Yep.

[610] I'm an adult.

[611] Took out a big mortgage.

[612] Made some sketchy financial choices.

[613] But I'm a big boy, and I'm going to pay the piper.

[614] And I'm going to pay them bills down.

[615] You pay them bills.

[616] Pay them bills.

[617] Bang.

[618] We're back.

[619] Wow.

[620] That was quick.

[621] Yeah.

[622] Great job on that ad read.

[623] Didn't I do a good job?

[624] Excellent.

[625] I put my own personality into it.

[626] It was great.

[627] I wish I could remember what I wanted to bring up earlier.

[628] It doesn't matter.

[629] It's happened to a lot?

[630] No, it does as I get older.

[631] You?

[632] I forget a lot of things.

[633] I walk into rooms a lot now, and I don't know why I came into the room.

[634] Then my wife comes in the room, and I'm like, who are you?

[635] It's just, it's scary.

[636] Yeah, that's a little scary.

[637] Might want to go back to that doctor.

[638] Oh, my God, I love that doctor.

[639] He put an alarm clock up there once.

[640] Is that how you wake up?

[641] Yeah, I walked around with it for four weeks.

[642] It was a fantastic experience.

[643] I wonder why.

[644] And maybe you can answer this, because this is part of the point of my podcast.

[645] We've known each other 25 years.

[646] I like you.

[647] I have a lot of respect for you.

[648] You always make me laugh.

[649] But we're not friends.

[650] We're not friends.

[651] No, I've talked about that in particular with you.

[652] Yeah.

[653] We don't hang.

[654] We don't hang.

[655] Do you hang with anybody?

[656] I mean, you get to a certain age.

[657] You've got kids.

[658] You've got a wife.

[659] You've got a house.

[660] You've got other things to worry about.

[661] You probably need time just to kind of.

[662] freak out about shit.

[663] Yeah.

[664] Yeah, but like, you got to really make time for people.

[665] But I remember when you did my show was near the beginning and I appreciate you doing it.

[666] And I had done your show many times.

[667] You've always been good to me. I, you know, I've always, you know, been loyal to the show and we had that dynamic.

[668] And then you come over and you do the podcast.

[669] And afterwards, because I wrote about this, I think, or I talked about it on the show, you kind of hung out for a little while.

[670] And after a certain point, I'm like, oh, he's got to get out of the house.

[671] Yes.

[672] Yeah.

[673] Like, I don't, we don't do this.

[674] I picked up on that.

[675] I picked up on that because I did your podcast, I enjoy your company, I'm in your home.

[676] I am in your home, and you started to get anxious, and then you started trying to get me to the door, and I was offended.

[677] I was offended.

[678] Yes, because I thought, why not sit down?

[679] Did you really?

[680] And offer me a piece of pumpkin pie.

[681] I would have if I had pie.

[682] You're not a guy that has pumpkin pie around.

[683] Ice cream.

[684] I used to have ice cream back then.

[685] I might have had pie.

[686] I've had to feed people before.

[687] I've had to feed people.

[688] It's supposed to be something that you do with love and generosity.

[689] No, I do.

[690] Well, people come over.

[691] They don't eat properly.

[692] John Glazer came over once, and he was starving.

[693] I made him a sandwich.

[694] Roseanne came over once, and she needed something.

[695] I gave her cantaloupe.

[696] People hated it because she was eating cantaloupe on the mic.

[697] That's a disgusting sound when someone eats can'tloat.

[698] Rosanne talking or?

[699] You know what?

[700] That was very good.

[701] That was very good.

[702] I'll give you points for that.

[703] But I want to tell you, why did you want me out of the house?

[704] I'm a good guy.

[705] I clean up nights.

[706] Oh, no, no. It was nothing like.

[707] I didn't want you out of the house.

[708] I just didn't know what, you know, I'd never been in that situation with you.

[709] Like, every time, like, here's what my experience are you.

[710] I come, I go to the dressing room.

[711] Jimmy gives me a guitar.

[712] I play it.

[713] You come in, say, hi, what's going on?

[714] I'll see you out there.

[715] I go out there.

[716] We say thanks.

[717] And over the years, it's gotten warmer.

[718] And then I go away.

[719] So there we just talked for an hour about your life and your childhood.

[720] And then you're in my house.

[721] And I'm like, I've never had, he's much taller here than he is on the set.

[722] And we were just talking.

[723] and it was awkward, and I thought like, okay.

[724] You ushered me out.

[725] You ushered me out.

[726] No, but then we actually acknowledge it.

[727] It's like, it's weird that we don't hang out.

[728] I don't know why we don't hang out.

[729] You want to hang out?

[730] I got a lot of people in my phone that have done on the show, that I've been on the show, but do I call them?

[731] The only guy...

[732] This is why I want to talk to you is that for 25 years, I've been talking to three guests a night.

[733] They're there to promote whatever they're promoting, and we look friendly on the air, but then I don't hang out with them afterwards.

[734] Plus, I had a party, not long ago.

[735] And I looked directly.

[736] and everyone at the party is someone on my payroll.

[737] The only people that came to my party are people I pay.

[738] Did you invite other people?

[739] I didn't get an invitation.

[740] See, maybe this is the problem.

[741] No, I didn't invite you.

[742] You didn't?

[743] Well, because here's my theory.

[744] My theory is that we aren't peanut butter and jelly.

[745] We're peanut butter and then a more acidic peanut butter.

[746] We're like Skippy with sugar and then just the chunky raw kind.

[747] Yes.

[748] And you put both of those together and there isn't even, there isn't even bread.

[749] You're just eating it with your hands.

[750] And it's a freak.

[751] show.

[752] And your mouth is clicking.

[753] Yeah.

[754] You have no water.

[755] Yeah.

[756] Yeah.

[757] Maybe that's true.

[758] I think we have a certain similar energy.

[759] Yeah.

[760] I think...

[761] You have a lot more in your head than me, I think.

[762] Do you think so?

[763] I think naturally your brain, like mine is completely...

[764] Everything that's going on in my head, you know, I'm the center of.

[765] I think that you sometimes can kind of look at other things and improvise on that.

[766] With me, I have to be like, how does that affect me?

[767] And then I have to go through that way.

[768] So I think you have a more active imagination that's probably a little more palatable.

[769] I just looked that up online.

[770] That's called narcissism.

[771] Yeah.

[772] Well, I fight that.

[773] You're, you're losing.

[774] No, I'm not.

[775] I'm not a narcissist.

[776] My father was.

[777] No. Wait, so you think you are not a narcissist.

[778] You just said anytime you want to talk about anything, you have to relate it to yourself and how you're the center of the universe.

[779] Yeah, but I'm aware of that.

[780] So that makes me not a marsticist.

[781] So what?

[782] A serial killer can know.

[783] I'm a marsticist.

[784] I'm a marsticist.

[785] Yeah.

[786] You can know A serial killer can know he's a serial killer, but if he continues to kill in the Pacific Northwest, he's still a serial killer.

[787] Yeah, but like he likes that.

[788] I don't particularly like this part of myself.

[789] Okay.

[790] You don't like it?

[791] No, because, like, you know, my dad, I think, is really actually a pathological narcissist.

[792] I think everyone's a little self -centered and a little narcissistic.

[793] So I have shrapnel from that upbringing and behaviors from it, but it's not, I don't have a blind spot.

[794] You know, I'm not, you know, I have shame, I have guilt, I have a conscience.

[795] I'm capable of empathy.

[796] So all that stuff.

[797] The self -centeredness element is that I tend to think about myself a lot because I'm neurotic, right?

[798] So when I think about things outside of me, it has to do with its effect on me. And I think it's helped my comedy, to be honest with you, because there was a point, and you know this to be true.

[799] When you're doing jokes and they're written and they're topical, you know that the other talk shows are going to do similar themed jokes.

[800] Yep.

[801] So that's the same with stand -up.

[802] So once I was able to untether myself from observational or political comedy and just focus on me, no one's going to steal.

[803] I defy someone to do my material because it's all about me. And if you're that much like me, then I'll talk to you after the show.

[804] I have to say, this is totally making sense to me because it's the thing I like the least about doing a show right now is when there's this pressure to be topical and talk about Trump because everybody's doing it.

[805] So I find much more joy in comedy that has nothing to do with what's going on in the world.

[806] Talk about your own experience, right?

[807] So that's what I started to do on a very conscious level.

[808] And maybe, you know, I took to it pretty well.

[809] And I can integrate a lot of cultural criticism or whatever and talk about current events.

[810] But I have to do it, you know, from my point of view and not from jokes.

[811] Yeah.

[812] So it was a great, it was good for me to realize that.

[813] Yes.

[814] Can I be really honest with you?

[815] The other reason I don't think we hang out is that over the years, you introduce me, oh, this is the woman I'm with, you know, and I sort of start to try and form a bond with her, and then she's gone.

[816] Has that happened over the years?

[817] Pretty clever transition.

[818] Well, I saw what he did there.

[819] No, but hasn't it?

[820] There was a period of time where you were like...

[821] You've met a few of my, maybe two of the wives and most of the girlfriends, I think, have come.

[822] I've met them all.

[823] I've met them all.

[824] And you know what?

[825] I'm afraid to form a bond with them because I don't know what's going to happen.

[826] But you bet, you know, what about me?

[827] What about the bond with me?

[828] That, see, we still got to, you know, I think you've dealt with friends who have had women.

[829] I happen to know.

[830] You definitely know people who've had a few women come and go.

[831] Yes, I have.

[832] But, yeah, believe me, I had as hard of time maintaining the bond with those women that you did, but you're much quicker in making them.

[833] I think I formed, I think I formed a deeper bond with those women in the 40 seconds we talk, and you managed.

[834] Yeah, well, whatever you found out in 40 seconds sometimes took me years and a lot of money to figure.

[835] out.

[836] Yeah.

[837] Yeah.

[838] It's a, it's a liability, you know, the relationship thing.

[839] Anytime you're with someone, and this is maybe could be the foundation of a new friendship.

[840] Anytime you start to date someone, have me meet them.

[841] Have me meet them alone.

[842] Like the third date.

[843] Look, I just have Conan's going to meet us at the restaurant.

[844] No, first date.

[845] First date.

[846] First date.

[847] You say before I can see you, you have to meet Conan O 'Brien.

[848] Oh, man. If I was single, this could be a segment, dude.

[849] It could have been a segment.

[850] Well, it could be again.

[851] You never know.

[852] Um, oh, Thank you for the vote of confidence.

[853] Sorry.

[854] I've just been through this too many times with you.

[855] Yeah.

[856] You know?

[857] But no, I've been with the one now for like four years.

[858] Oh, that's great.

[859] That's good.

[860] I'm very happy for you.

[861] But that's not, like, it's a good sign.

[862] But the two wives, those are about eight, eight and a half years.

[863] Right.

[864] And then there was a few six months.

[865] That's about as long as a marriage should last, I believe.

[866] And there was the one, before this one, the three -year one, that was probably what, that would, she would have made me not want to be someone's friend.

[867] Really?

[868] Yeah.

[869] I don't know what happened to her.

[870] But, but, you know.

[871] Wait, were both wives eight years, did you say?

[872] About, yeah, three and a half married, and then I was with them for a few years before, yeah.

[873] Yeah, that is so interesting, because I'm married and eight years into my marriage, my wife looked at me and said, I think I'm good.

[874] Yeah.

[875] I'm out.

[876] I think I'm good.

[877] Oh.

[878] But we were still together, you know.

[879] You're still together now.

[880] Yeah.

[881] So how did you get past that hump?

[882] Well, she just realized I'm a good earner.

[883] Yeah.

[884] Did you get to everything you wanted to on your notes?

[885] You know, you keep saying I have notes, and I really don't.

[886] These are recipes.

[887] Oh, can I have one?

[888] These are so...

[889] I'm looking for some new recipes for Thanksgiving.

[890] I'm going to...

[891] Oh, but you know what?

[892] You'd be awful on Thanksgiving.

[893] I'm great.

[894] I cook for 22 people.

[895] Do you even know them?

[896] Yeah, their family.

[897] And I didn't do it for a couple years because I was shooting glow and also I didn't want to deal with a Republican contingent.

[898] But I'm going back for the first time in like three years this year and we've brought the number down.

[899] But I'm the guy who cooks the entire thing.

[900] That's so crazy because you do.

[901] don't have, you have the opposite of a holiday energy.

[902] Here's how I get into the holiday spirit.

[903] I make this amazing spread, and then I walk around, and this will ring true with you.

[904] I walk around, because you know me this way, I walk around, go like, how was it this year?

[905] Pretty good.

[906] How was the stuff thing?

[907] It's the best, yeah, was.

[908] How did I do?

[909] Exactly.

[910] Did I do okay at Thanksgiving?

[911] Not the idea.

[912] What did you think of me doing my Thanksgiving?

[913] Right.

[914] How did it go over?

[915] I don't have to say it anymore, though, because I've gotten some confidence.

[916] I'm not as insecure as I used to, used to be.

[917] So I don't fish for it.

[918] I wait for it.

[919] You understand?

[920] What if you don't get it?

[921] And I know when you're waiting for it, your legs jiggling, you're popping, you know, you're popping mentholated lozenges?

[922] Cinnamon ones or cinnamon.

[923] Walgreens, yeah.

[924] Four milligrams.

[925] Did you ever smoke a lozance just out of desperation?

[926] Oh, sure, man. I got a crack pipe.

[927] You ever light up a lozange and just suck on it?

[928] No, I snorted him.

[929] I snorted the lozange.

[930] Jesus, we should do that sometime in an hour.

[931] Snored a lozange?

[932] I'd do that with you.

[933] It's the saddest thing.

[934] I remember years ago, this is a story that I've never told.

[935] man, maybe I've told it once.

[936] Years ago, back in the day, Conan, and this might not make the cut.

[937] We have a very low bar.

[938] Well, and I was with Matt, it was back when I was still using drugs, and we'd been drinking all night, me and this guy, Matt, and we were back at the house where I lived with a bunch of other dudes, and we'd run out of drugs, and we had run out of liquor, and we were chopping up, we were grinding up, you remember Viverin?

[939] Was it called Viverin?

[940] The yellow pills?

[941] Which, at best, is equal to two cups of coffee.

[942] And we were snorting Viverin.

[943] So there was like, They had yellowness, caked in our nostrils.

[944] And it was like two in the morning.

[945] And Bob comes home from work after being a waiter.

[946] And he looks at it as he walks in the kitchen, he's like, are you snorting Viverin?

[947] Wait, you're snorting Viverin.

[948] And he just shakes his head and goes to bed.

[949] Wow.

[950] It was one of those moments where it was like, yeah, this is stupid.

[951] This is a new low.

[952] We just apparently wanted to snort something.

[953] It didn't matter what.

[954] You know, I'm glad you mentioned Viverin because the good folks had, Viverin.

[955] Good.

[956] Have an amazing product.

[957] A Viverin Lassen.

[958] They bought in to Conan O 'Brien Needs a friend.

[959] Yeah.

[960] And that was perfect the way you segues into it.

[961] I love talking to you.

[962] I really do.

[963] And I'm very honored that you would stop by my podcast, as I said.

[964] You were the master of this form.

[965] And I basically got you here to ask you one simple question, which is, will I make money on this?

[966] I think you will.

[967] I think you'll start out with a pretty good crowd.

[968] And like, you know, it's over there, you guy.

[969] Yeah, that, but you think I'm going to make some cash here?

[970] I do.

[971] I do.

[972] I don't know if it's cash you're used to, but I think that you'll see what the numbers are, and then you sell the numbers.

[973] Because I need.

[974] You can't need money.

[975] I fucked some stuff up.

[976] You did?

[977] I fucked some stuff up.

[978] You're one of those guys?

[979] You over extended?

[980] Where's the second house?

[981] It was a few problems.

[982] Boat.

[983] You got a boat?

[984] There was a boat.

[985] There was a boat.

[986] It was?

[987] They'll say that.

[988] Well, so I got excited about two years ago about theme restaurants.

[989] And I went into, and I went in big on theme restaurants.

[990] I did not consult anybody.

[991] I did not consult my wife.

[992] I did not consult my business manager and lost it all.

[993] I'm sorry.

[994] There was a theme restaurant in the valley, a whole chain of them.

[995] It was a new idea.

[996] And the whole idea was, you know, some of them were like 1950s themes.

[997] This was a Depression era themed restaurant.

[998] And did you have to go wearing a barrel?

[999] Did the wait staff wear a barrel?

[1000] That was one of the ideas.

[1001] We rejected that because we thought it was impractical.

[1002] But it was a lot of just depression -era -themed music was playing, and we mostly just served apples.

[1003] And it tanked.

[1004] No good, huh?

[1005] And I went in, I didn't know you're not supposed to put your own money in it.

[1006] You're supposed to get other people.

[1007] Oh, yeah.

[1008] So I'm sorry.

[1009] No, I think you'll do okay.

[1010] You know what would happen if I said to you, I think you'll do okay?

[1011] You'd spiral.

[1012] But wait a minute.

[1013] You would spiral, wouldn't you?

[1014] if, hey, hey, next time you're on the show if I went back backstage in the green room and you went, how's a crowd?

[1015] And I went, I think you'll do okay.

[1016] That's pretty odd.

[1017] You would just turn into a puddle, a Mark Maren puddle.

[1018] I think you're going to do great.

[1019] I feel like that you're engaged.

[1020] That doesn't count now.

[1021] I think it'll do okay.

[1022] Honored to have you.

[1023] Thank you so much.

[1024] Yeah, thank you.

[1025] That was fun.

[1026] And you didn't dig a hole.

[1027] No, I didn't.

[1028] I just, you know, as again, these are just Palladine recipes.

[1029] I'm trying to figure out if I ever have any questions for you.

[1030] You can ask me a question.

[1031] Why don't you ask me a question?

[1032] You're the podcast guy.

[1033] That's not necessary.

[1034] Wow.

[1035] What a good work ethic.

[1036] Yeah.

[1037] Is that how you approach everything in your life?

[1038] Huh?

[1039] That's not necessary.

[1040] Well, I have a question.

[1041] I should flush that toilet.

[1042] That's not necessary.

[1043] I have a question, but it's sort of serious.

[1044] And I don't think there's an answer to it.

[1045] And I think that, you know, I've processed it, and it's a little heavy.

[1046] There is a God.

[1047] There is a heavy.

[1048] It's a little heavy.

[1049] It's a little personal, and it's a little heavy.

[1050] You want me to ask it?

[1051] Yeah.

[1052] Okay.

[1053] So, when you hosted the Tonight Show, why didn't you have me on?

[1054] Why didn't I have you on the Tonight Show?

[1055] Yeah.

[1056] Because it only lasted for 45 minutes.

[1057] Okay.

[1058] I didn't get to you.

[1059] Okay.

[1060] This was so many people that weren't on that Tonight Show because, I mean.

[1061] It was a bad thing.

[1062] time.

[1063] I understand.

[1064] I understand.

[1065] There are, an apple will rot faster.

[1066] Well, I think, like, what it was, like, for me at that time, I, you know, it's probably not great.

[1067] You realize we didn't get, there was not a lot of time that we were on the air.

[1068] Right.

[1069] And you took, this is amazing, you took my losing the Tonight Show and made it about years.

[1070] Wait, that time you.

[1071] That's, that, no, that is not an interpretation.

[1072] No, it is.

[1073] That is what you did.

[1074] I was excited you got the show.

[1075] I was always on the other show.

[1076] I was like, this is going to be great.

[1077] I've waited.

[1078] I didn't do the Tonight Show with anybody else.

[1079] And I'm going to do it, my pal Conan.

[1080] And I should be on in the first week.

[1081] No. See, why?

[1082] Well, because we had Pearl Jam.

[1083] Will Ferrell.

[1084] I mean, I'm sorry.

[1085] I'm sorry you weren't on the first week.

[1086] And I think in my head I was thinking, can't wait to have Mark on, because you know what they say about Tonight Show hosts, Once you name a Tonight Show host, he lasts as long as he wants.

[1087] And then you know what happened?

[1088] That didn't happen.

[1089] Okay, all right.

[1090] And so I never got to you because there wasn't enough time and I apologize.

[1091] Thank you.

[1092] And I wish now, if I could get in a time machine, that you were my first guest on that Tonight Show.

[1093] Thank you.

[1094] I didn't mean it.

[1095] I know.

[1096] You'd do okay here.

[1097] I feel terrible.

[1098] No, you feel solid.

[1099] We're friends now.

[1100] I didn't want to bring it up, but I just like, I don't know, I wanted some closure or something.

[1101] I forgot that I had the resentment until.

[1102] this morning.

[1103] You resent that I didn't have you on the show.

[1104] It's over now.

[1105] It was on for, yeah.

[1106] And I'm sorry about that.

[1107] Yeah, you seem all choked up about it.

[1108] No, this is better.

[1109] You know, if I had my choice between a tonight show or a podcast, this is clearly the one I'd take.

[1110] This is clearly the way I'd go.

[1111] This is the hardest I've seen you laugh, actually, in a while.

[1112] Well, I've honored to be one of the first guests on the podcast.

[1113] Well, if this is anything like, hey, you know what, this may be one of four episodes.

[1114] I got in under the wire.

[1115] You know what's going to happen in six weeks?

[1116] Why?

[1117] Jay Leno's going to get this podcast.

[1118] It's going to do it from a fire engine or a car.

[1119] Well, this is an interesting format.

[1120] So how does it work?

[1121] I just talking.

[1122] So how do they see me?

[1123] Oh, they don't see me?

[1124] Oh, that's interesting.

[1125] How are they going to see the car?

[1126] I got to do them.

[1127] It has a dutzenberg.

[1128] It has nine cylinders.

[1129] No one knows why.

[1130] It runs on Piedmont.

[1131] This is good.

[1132] We're sweating it out.

[1133] We're sweating out the toxins.

[1134] All right.

[1135] I don't say this often, but I love you.

[1136] You're a great man. Thank you.

[1137] Thank you so much.

[1138] I really am honored.

[1139] Thank you so much.

[1140] Me too.

[1141] Leave that last part in.

[1142] It's time for another installment of Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[1143] Okay, it's time for a new segment called Ways in which Conan is like Freddie Mercury.

[1144] Now, I'm bringing this up because Sony's absolute hero in show business is Freddie Mercury.

[1145] Yes, that's a hard.

[1146] And I'm guessing I'm number two.

[1147] And so what are the ways in which I'm like Freddie Mercury?

[1148] Not at all, not even in a little bit.

[1149] What are you talking about?

[1150] Not even in the slightest.

[1151] I'm a great showman.

[1152] Well, I mean, the way you're a great showman and the way Freddie Mercury was a great showman are very different.

[1153] What's the difference?

[1154] He was the best front man of a band ever And you dance like a clown in front of an audience Oh my God I'm sorry I'm sorry no You are great at what you do But you can't compare yourself to Freddie Mercury I saw the movie about Freddie Mercury The biopic Bohemian Rhapsody Okay I saw Bohemian Rhapsody and I watched it and what I thought when I was watching it was they're telling my story Oh boy That's what I felt What how do you think You are like Freddie Mercury He was born with extra teeth And that gave him this incredible Which felt like a disadvantage But then it also gave him This incredible multi -octive range Okay I was born with a certain body And certain fidgety mannerisms And strange hair and a weird first name that all were disadvantages when I was a child but then made me the greatest front man in the history of rock and roll.

[1155] Oh, boy.

[1156] You almost had me until the very end.

[1157] And I think, you know what?

[1158] Here's what I'm going to say.

[1159] I think you would be just as funny in a different body because it's your brain that makes you funny.

[1160] But it's hard to argue that it's not his teeth that gave him the range that he has.

[1161] I think that my career has gone through many of the ups and downs.

[1162] that Freddie Mercury's did.

[1163] And I think that I was the voice of a generation in worldwide in the 70s and into the 80s.

[1164] You think you were a voice of a generation in the 70s?

[1165] You were like in your teens.

[1166] I didn't say anyone was listening.

[1167] Oh, you were just talking to yourself?

[1168] Yeah.

[1169] I have my version of, I think when I go to Comic -Con and do shows there, it's like Wembley.

[1170] Oh.

[1171] Oh, okay.

[1172] And I think it means as much to a worldwide audience.

[1173] Do you think you make comparisons?

[1174] You compare yourself to people like, I don't know.

[1175] I mean, just going off memory, people like Jesus and William Shakespeare and the Beatles.

[1176] A lot of similarities.

[1177] Oh, you think, okay.

[1178] Yeah.

[1179] All right.

[1180] Well, I feel like I'm talking.

[1181] My father could have been a carpenter.

[1182] Uh -huh.

[1183] I have apostles, meaning writers.

[1184] You look at your writers as apostles?

[1185] Yeah.

[1186] This podcast is my sermon.

[1187] A lot of similarities.

[1188] Do you think you're a little ill?

[1189] Yeah, ill the way Picasso was ill. Ill the way Mozart was ill. So you're saying I'm sort of like Freddie Mercury, just not completely like Freddie Mercury.

[1190] No, I said you're nothing like Freddie Mercury.

[1191] I can sing like him.

[1192] Do you have parties that are just full of debauchery?

[1193] Or are you like, here's my wine?

[1194] Well, if it's an appropriate amount of wine, you don't want to have more than a glass, maybe two glasses at most, because then there's the sugar and also it's dehydrates.

[1195] So make sure that you drink three glasses of water for every glass of wine.

[1196] I'm sure that's something Freddie Mercury did, and I'm sure he watched his cholesterol all the way I do.

[1197] And I'm sure he was really good friends with his college roommate, and they talked about Theodore Roosevelt a lot.

[1198] These are things, ways in which Freddie Mercury and I are very similar.

[1199] Oh, boy.

[1200] Anyway, I get it.

[1201] Two best showmen that you've known in your life.

[1202] Oh, God.

[1203] Freddie Mercury, Conan O 'Brien.

[1204] Who's to say, who is actually the better showman?

[1205] Freddie Mercury.

[1206] Well, you can think about it more.

[1207] Freddie Mercury.

[1208] Give it a more.

[1209] Freddie Mercury.

[1210] Thought.

[1211] Freddie Mercury.

[1212] So we'll get your final decision.

[1213] Freddie Mercury.

[1214] Final decision.

[1215] Freddie Mercury.

[1216] Okay.

[1217] Freddie Mercury.

[1218] Hmm.

[1219] Freddie Mercury.

[1220] Well, she's mulling it over.

[1221] Freddie Mercury.

[1222] We will await for decision patiently.

[1223] Freddie Mercury.

[1224] Freddie Mercury.

[1225] Freddie Mercury.

[1226] Freddie Mercury.

[1227] So it's a tie.

[1228] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Brien and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1229] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1230] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1231] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[1232] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1233] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1234] Got a question for Conan?

[1235] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1236] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1237] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you find.

[1238] find podcasts or download this has been a team cocoa production in association with earwolf