#500 - Doug Stanhope & Tom Rhodes

[0] Podcast, check it out.

[1] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[2] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[3] Ting, not to be confused with Tang.

[4] Tang, remember when we were kids?

[5] That was like the big thing.

[6] Partnered up.

[7] Go ahead, Sam.

[8] It would be crazy.

[9] Ting Tang.

[10] You could sip the delicious juice while you use it.

[11] No, your cup doubles as a phone.

[12] Your Tang cup.

[13] They sell you pimp -style tank cups with Ryan's toes around them.

[14] Remember when we were kids?

[15] Tang was like the big thing.

[16] Yeah.

[17] from the space program.

[18] It would be Google.

[19] Like it made it good?

[20] Tang was fucking terrible.

[21] It was dog shit, fake orange juice.

[22] Yeah, maybe they'll sell MREs as a great dinner.

[23] That was one of the first commercial.

[24] That was one of the first product placement things.

[25] The Tang people told, I mean, that wasn't good for people.

[26] It's ridiculous.

[27] And they sold that as like the astronaut drinks.

[28] Proper nutrition.

[29] You know, generations of Americans drank that shit.

[30] It was homemade gatorade.

[31] Yeah, the watered down shitty gatorade.

[32] We're getting our fucking astronaut.

[33] Without the electrolytes.

[34] Yeah, Tang's...

[35] I'm going to be an astronaut.

[36] Is Tang still around?

[37] Is Tang still around?

[38] I'm sure it is.

[39] Let's find out if Tang's still around.

[40] Yeah, it's still around.

[41] You know, if people today...

[42] People today are so unimpressed.

[43] If Tang was like, yeah, it's the astronaut program.

[44] They're like, bitch, where's your astronauts now?

[45] Right.

[46] There's, like, YouTube comments.

[47] Like, where's your astronauts?

[48] Who's going to the moon?

[49] Yeah, the last famous astronaut was a stalker racing from Florida to Houston to stab a lover or something.

[50] Well, I've been doing a bit that...

[51] We're wearing a diaper.

[52] She was wearing a diaper so she didn't have to stop.

[53] I wish Bingo could learn that trick.

[54] She drove the entire time, and she shit herself.

[55] She was an astronaut.

[56] She was crazy.

[57] Oh, yeah, a bitch was crazy.

[58] Tang the drink.

[59] It seems like it's still around.

[60] Hmm.

[61] If you can't find it in a store, you can find it online.

[62] Quisp cereal and old candy.

[63] We're talking about marathon bars.

[64] There's an original tang.

[65] Tang is sold in both powdered and ready to drink form.

[66] Oh, new tang is where they jumped the shark.

[67] You can get original tang now.

[68] Yeah, you could actually buy like a sugar -free version of tang containing aspartame.

[69] Wow.

[70] Hmm.

[71] Oh, let's put more cancer in your diabetes.

[72] Hey, listen, Doug Stanhope, there's 10 % of the RDA of vitamin A, calcium, vitamin E, and riboflavin.

[73] 10%.

[74] 10 % so 10 glasses at tang and you're covered that's almost half what cocoa puffs has it's um it's got 100 % of your vitamin C oh that's actually pretty good 100 % of your vitamin C's not that much though the people that think you should take vitamin C think you should take like a good amount of it like take that shit all the time but doug standhub you just take cigarettes and you're fine I have I this week I've been bad but I I I quit a lot.

[75] You quit a lot?

[76] You held it back.

[77] Have you ever tried the electronic route?

[78] Yeah, we've talked about this.

[79] Red Band said he was coughing up, blood.

[80] They're a lot better now, like the newer ones are.

[81] No, they're terrible because I just quit a month ago and I made it two weeks and I tried like four different brands and I was sucking on them constantly and I was off the Sigs for a couple of weeks but my lungs were killing me at one point.

[82] Then it comes a point where you're like, well fuck give me a cigarette because you're just getting like blasts and blasts of nicotine.

[83] Like more nicotine than you would be get from just having a cigarette.

[84] I did great when I was at home alone.

[85] I had like six weeks off.

[86] And there's full weeks I didn't smoke.

[87] And then sometimes someone would show up at my house that smokes and I'd steal a cigarette.

[88] So I'd smoke a couple.

[89] And then six weeks of 95 % quit smoking went on the road.

[90] And I'm like, all right.

[91] Now I'm just going to bum them from the fucking opening acts.

[92] Whoever I find outside smoking, I send bingo out to go get me a couple cigarettes before the show.

[93] And this week, it's just after.

[94] of the fucking first night of party we were talking about I'm buying packs fuck it once you say fuck it and that's the problem with being a comic is you're inclined to say fuck it more often than not because it seems like the comic choice you know and you're in that situation you're like come on what's the fuck this show must go on I think there's a point that I made it I quit a month ago and I made it two weeks and I wasn't working and it was once I went back and I did shows in Atlanta and I was bumming them off the staff and then I was in Minneapolis the next week after that and like snuck a pack and then just said fuck it I mean I think like when you because I was doing shows and that's my rhythm and having a sig and getting ready You have a cigar on stage?

[95] Never.

[96] No, I don't want to influence the kids.

[97] But like before and after.

[98] That was a thing where at the comedy store it was a big deal because guys would smoke on stage and the audience members couldn't smoke because there was a provision of the law It's a part of the show Yeah, as a part of the performance You're allowed to smoke But I think they dropped that A lot of places, I remember because I did that immediately I was doing that when they passed it in California.

[99] Once I found out about that law and I was doing it in Minneapolis and then a bar started doing that as a night where smokers could be on stage so the place is just all smoking but you had to be on the stage.

[100] Everyone's part of the performance.

[101] They pushed it so far into their face that they changed the law and I think most places have changed the law.

[102] Yeah, that sucks.

[103] They fucked it up.

[104] remember when we started, the clubs, everyone smoked in the 80s.

[105] Honestly, I didn't mind back then.

[106] I loved it.

[107] And the smoke would dance in the spotlight.

[108] You're on stage.

[109] It was sexy.

[110] It was like a film noir movie.

[111] There is something about it, man, and pool halls as well.

[112] I don't like it.

[113] I don't like cigarettes.

[114] I think they're disgusting.

[115] And it scares me when I see my friend smoke because I know you're going to die ugly.

[116] I know you're going to die ugly and I love you.

[117] I tell this guy all the time.

[118] I love him, but he smokes.

[119] And when I see him smoke, I get scared.

[120] I get scared that you're You're locked up in a wrestling match with a dragon.

[121] It's a dark demon that's going to slowly rot you out from the insides, and it tricks you into doing it.

[122] It sucks you into its web with habit and novelty, and the idea that it's beautiful, the fucking smoke and suck it in.

[123] It feels good.

[124] I know.

[125] That's one thing.

[126] And then the other thing is it becomes a part of your body.

[127] It becomes a part of you.

[128] You need it.

[129] It becomes your system.

[130] Your body gets integrated into accepting this.

[131] I feel like I got my equipment.

[132] I don't know.

[133] Some of it's about having a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on me, you know?

[134] Well, listen, I'm not judging, you know.

[135] I have friends that smoke.

[136] You feel like you're all set.

[137] You're all set.

[138] You're secure, you know?

[139] I got what I need.

[140] Retirement?

[141] Fuck that.

[142] I get a carton.

[143] And I'm a hypocrite because I like smoking weed.

[144] And I don't think smoking weed is bad for you.

[145] It's certainly not bad for you in the same way.

[146] Now, once the cigarette companies get a hold of it.

[147] Either way, I don't think it's the best thing for you.

[148] This is it the best thing in the world for you to smoke a plant?

[149] You know, it's like...

[150] I thought you went straight to.

[151] to vaporizer and edibles?

[152] I do those too.

[153] Yeah.

[154] I like edibles the most.

[155] I just watch D. Smoke, so shit the fuck up.

[156] No, no, I do that too.

[157] I mean, me. Oh, yeah.

[158] But I'm hypocritical in that sense because, like, smoking's not good.

[159] It's not good to smoke something.

[160] You know, anything we, like Diaz, like, stop smoking.

[161] He only eats it and uses a vaporizer.

[162] Because he said he's lungs started feeling way better once he did that.

[163] I believe it.

[164] And the edibles, the edibles, as someone who doesn't live in California, the edibles here are ridiculous.

[165] You got every candy, Jolly Rancher, candy, weed, you know, York peppermint patties, anything you can think of, they've duplicated exactly like candy or...

[166] Well, there's a little bit of an issue.

[167] There is a little bit of an issue with it.

[168] It's beautiful that it exists, and I'm a complete libertarian in the idea that you should be able to...

[169] You almost let your filter.

[170] Yeah.

[171] But this place is...

[172] The weed culture in California is so more evolved than Amsterdam.

[173] Yeah.

[174] Well, they're so powerful that it's really like...

[175] an intense psychedelic.

[176] If you eat one of these pot brownies or these chuba chis, chibbchews, they have these chibichos that are like seven.

[177] How many, what's the milligrams?

[178] Take one -fourth if you don't want to die as fast.

[179] Yeah, I mean, they're insane.

[180] If you take the whole, it's one candy.

[181] And if you take that one candy, you will re -experience your entire life from the moment you were an egg and the cum washed over you and turned you into two eggs.

[182] and your cells are dividing.

[183] That's the right I'm looking for.

[184] Could you take one of these candies?

[185] Could you say one of these candies?

[186] Say you already have a pre -existing condition, a mental illness, say, and say you're at a rock star's house trying to get a podcast, and you're doing incredible amounts of blow, and you go home with a little bit of that blow, and then you do the rest of that blow while your boyfriend's sleeping, preparing for the Bill Burr podcast, and you also eat an edible while.

[187] you have a pre -existing condition, could you spiral into such a catatonic state that the landlord from the Airbnb that you're staying in comes in to talk to you and you won't respond to them so your boyfriend and your tour manager have to put you in bed where you piss the bed in your first Airbnb and then takes you 24 hours to come out of said canotic state?

[188] If I had a guess, I could say that could happen.

[189] Hypothetically?

[190] Did Marilyn Manson give you a gift bag when you left and cocaine and edibles in it?

[191] It wasn't me. It wasn't me. Skin moisturizer.

[192] Wasn't me. You got to be careful with that shit.

[193] I had to check her text messages and it said, well, hey, we'll be there on time.

[194] I just stand up sleeping and I just ate a pot candy and then I see an empty baggie and I'm like, you did all that.

[195] And now...

[196] They can get you.

[197] They can get you and take you on a ride that you're just not...

[198] You're not going to be capable of going out, just doing things, going to the airport.

[199] getting your clothes on, you're not going to be capable.

[200] No. And that's just you could buy it at any store.

[201] Go buy one of these cupcakes.

[202] Buy one of these rocket cookies.

[203] Take this cookie and go right to the center of the fucking universe.

[204] I mean, they're intense psychedelics.

[205] We've talked about it before, but the chemical process is when you eat it.

[206] Wait, is this ground already worked over on the Joe Rogan experience?

[207] Pop cookies?

[208] Yeah.

[209] We've talked about it a few times.

[210] I know it sounds crazy.

[211] It seems so novel.

[212] I was at the clubs in L .A. People at home are gone, Back to, go back to Ting.

[213] Tang, what about Tang again?

[214] If you eat that shit, it'll hurt you.

[215] It'll hurt you.

[216] You've got to be real careful.

[217] I've seen comedians all over L .A. With those little pen vaporizer things.

[218] That's different.

[219] That's not eating it.

[220] When you're eating it, you're getting this 11 -hydroxymetabolite.

[221] Oh, see, I always assumed those were e -cigarettes that everyone has.

[222] There's a lot of that, too.

[223] Those are little weed vaporizer.

[224] Oh, wow.

[225] And they hit like a motherfucker.

[226] They do hit like a motherfucker.

[227] But there's both.

[228] That's why they exist.

[229] That's the product I want to endorse.

[230] That should be their slogan.

[231] What?

[232] Hits like a motherfucker.

[233] I don't think that's a good move.

[234] If I read Hits Like a Motherfucker, I'd be like, who is a guy that's making this?

[235] That's how he could come up with.

[236] But in podcasting, you could probably get copy like that.

[237] Where you have to read that.

[238] This kicked me in the balls like a motherfucker.

[239] You should buy this.

[240] This will take you on a ride to the center of the universe, my man. And my man would be highlighted.

[241] You know, feel free to use your own colloquialism.

[242] It's funny.

[243] When you were about to start, Red Band said, okay, we're live.

[244] And you go, oh, shit, we're live.

[245] Oh, don't say anything.

[246] You were making a joke.

[247] Right.

[248] Like, oh, don't say anything.

[249] We're live.

[250] It's opposite.

[251] Yesterday, I fell in love with a man. Fucking Bert Kreischer.

[252] He's a great man. I fucking, like, I clicked with him so quickly.

[253] You met him?

[254] No, I've met him before.

[255] but we never really hung out.

[256] Oh, he's the best.

[257] He's a sweetie.

[258] And I knew that, yeah.

[259] He's a sweet.

[260] He's a fucking wicked man crush right away.

[261] His house is just like my house down to the, I walked in.

[262] I knew exactly where his booze stash was.

[263] I'm like, I'm just, I'm going to make a drink.

[264] Anyway, fucking fell in love with the guy.

[265] He's a sweetie.

[266] We had to, we had to pause and go to break where we'd talk about, like, shit.

[267] And then we'd come back on the air.

[268] And there's certain stuff you can't talk about.

[269] Like trash talking, other comics.

[270] Oh.

[271] Come back on the air.

[272] Well, he's on the travel channel, too.

[273] And the travel channel is owned by some religious folks.

[274] Oh, yeah, not like that, but...

[275] But that is a problem.

[276] He's got to be real careful about what he does.

[277] I'm trying to make a drink.

[278] I mean, he doesn't smoke weed.

[279] But if he did, he wouldn't do it on Ustream.

[280] You know what I'm saying?

[281] Who owns the travel channel?

[282] Somebody that loves the baby Jesus, allegedly.

[283] I might be just talking shit.

[284] I don't know.

[285] This is what I've read from Anthony Bourdain.

[286] Okay.

[287] And in certain conversations I might have had with him.

[288] Oh, did you have Bourdain on the show?

[289] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[290] Wow.

[291] He's a good dude.

[292] His, you know, his wife is a jiu -jitsu fanatic.

[293] That's my inn.

[294] That's how I got to be for Dane.

[295] You know?

[296] He followed me or retweeted me or something, and it was like, I was so starstruck.

[297] He's the best.

[298] He's following me. He's a sweetie.

[299] If you met the guy, you would love him.

[300] He's a sweetie.

[301] His show is, since he's gone to CNN, I guess they had, you know, a visa access to, like, his show is just gone to a whole different.

[302] level now.

[303] It's like in Miramar.

[304] Yeah, we're going to...

[305] Brian, by the way, I got plans, and one of the plans is flying to New York to do podcasts with people that we can't get to fly out here.

[306] So, like, I can't keep asking people that just come out here.

[307] So guys like Bourdain, I'm going to find out when he's going to be here, and I'll just go in...

[308] Well, if they're driving, have him come through BISB.

[309] I'm going to try to use the serious...

[310] He should do a highlight on BISB.

[311] Because we were on serious.

[312] We're on serious.

[313] I don't know if you know that.

[314] Oh, yeah.

[315] I listen to it all the time.

[316] It's the weirdest.

[317] But, um, so I wanted to get, like, Bordane and a few other guys that live there.

[318] C .K. Yeah, yeah.

[319] Well, Louis's just so fucking busy.

[320] I feel bad asking him.

[321] Yeah, but he's on Opian Anthony all the time.

[322] Yeah, but that's like, you know, when he can in the morning.

[323] I'll ask him.

[324] But I know he's crazy.

[325] He's the most ridiculously busy person I've ever met.

[326] He's got a great bit that I saw that someone made a clip of.

[327] Him talking about, it's really funny.

[328] It starts him talking about nut allergies, and he compares, like, things that you know to be true.

[329] But there's always this.

[330] this too but maybe like it's like but I know but maybe it's fucking really funny man it's really funny I didn't see one of the CK's bits is new bits off of his new special god damn it was good it was really funny new special not yeah the new one was he was in Phoenix in the theater in the round it's really really good stuff man it's like you you you listen to it you read it and you watch it rather and you're like fuck I want to go write something like this like made me want to go right it was really good yeah You know, that's the best thing about, like, I used to always think that about, like, when Chappelle would come to the store, like, I'd always want to run home and write.

[331] Yeah.

[332] You know, like, anything that gives you that little juice, like, you want to create, too, because you know how good it made you feel.

[333] Like, the last time I saw Chappelle at the store, it just, it was, like, the height of his popularity.

[334] Before he, he'd quit, the Comedy Central show, and he was just, he would just show up, like, maybe, like, the day before they would schedule this, and it would just be mobbed, and he was in the main room.

[335] And he, it was so funny and so, like, I hadn't seen him in like six months, and it was all new shit.

[336] It was like 100 % new.

[337] And it was like a new hour.

[338] And you left there, you just going, God damn, I need to go to work.

[339] I want to go right.

[340] He had that gift, I'll say in a very fucking stupid way.

[341] But he's one of those guys.

[342] He talks funny anyway, so he already has a leg up.

[343] Joey Diaz.

[344] You said it best.

[345] that Diaz could read the phone book.

[346] So he has that already, but he can write too.

[347] So if it's new shit, what would, you know, be filler to him would be a closer to me. Diaz has, I mean, I don't want to give up any of his material, but he's got this bit about this chick named Lucy Snorbush.

[348] He's told the story about on the podcast, but now he's turned into a bit in his act, a true story about him sneaking into her house, climbing into her window and eating her pussy in the middle of the night, and then escaping.

[349] I don't think I've ever laughed as hard in my life.

[350] We just did Santa Barbara together, and I was watching him on stage, and he's doing this Lucy Snorbush thing, and I'm having a hard time catching my breath.

[351] Like, I legitimately having a hard time catching my breath.

[352] I saw Diaz in San Francisco, and he was doing that bit where he's like, you like punches a hooker.

[353] And the audience is dying.

[354] In San Francisco, they're like usually really touchy about, like, who can get a laugh.

[355] He had a black guy.

[356] The dude with the wig And a black guy There's no support groups For these people He's one of the best ever Like as far as like I can hear him saying Lisa Snorbush And just laughing at him Lucy Snorbush Lucy Snorbush That was her name Lucy Snorbush It was so It was painfully funny It was painfully funny He's my all -time favorite All the people I've ever seen That made me laugh The hardest There's not a single person Has ever Maybe laugh Harder than Diaz Me and Chrys Me and Chryser We were picking our ultimate four -man tour with a wild card fuck up Diaz I know yeah he picked he picked Diaz his fuck up I have to see him Diaz is so good that I started taking two guys on the road with me during the dark days when Diaz would just go vanish in the middle of the night but he was so good that I said okay I need a backup opener so I would bring two openers because there was too many times Diaz just vanished He just would disappear.

[357] He just couldn't call him.

[358] I got booked like that for Otto and George, where they wanted to book Otto and George, but they needed to co -headline himself.

[359] If he didn't show up, there was another X -rated act that could fit the fucking marquee.

[360] You've got to do that, man. Unfortunately, with some guys, but they're worth it.

[361] And now he's super reliable.

[362] Now he's just every gig he's there.

[363] I'm too old to disappear.

[364] Well, he's just into comedy now.

[365] I think for the first time in his life, he's being recognized for what he does and he's enjoying creating new shit he's enjoying being a comic like when I talked to him about he's got a lot of other success like he's always getting called into movies and shit and you know he did that I sat through the grudge match just because I knew he was in it he's having a lot of those that are happening to him but the big thing is his stand -up man his stand -up he's selling out everywhere he deserves it and yeah he fuck yeah what a difference when the audience already loves you when you get there you know instead of having to win him over Different animal.

[366] Dude, he went on stage in Santa Barbara when we worked together.

[367] And I've taken some of his openings where I introduce him and then I film it, like watching him go on stage.

[368] I put him on YouTube because they're so ridiculous.

[369] He goes on stage and people standing up, like bowing to him, screaming.

[370] Like 2 ,000 people screaming and bowing to Joey Diaz.

[371] That's so good.

[372] And for a guy like that to finally get that, you know, dude, I just take him on the road.

[373] And it's always great to see a guy that age.

[374] Yeah.

[375] Yeah, he deserves it, though, man, the church.

[376] He's an animal, dude, he's an animal.

[377] He's an animal.

[378] If I could hire a 24 -hour nurse to keep him alive, I would.

[379] Just don't think you would get the fuck out of that.

[380] Listen, I'm Cuban.

[381] I'm never going to die.

[382] Get out of here, bitch.

[383] Kick him out of his house.

[384] You got to, like, find out.

[385] A guy like that, you're going to take care of in a gentle fashion.

[386] You've got to figure out how to keep him alive, but, like, sneaky.

[387] Check him.

[388] Yeah, I'm going to...

[389] Put that pill in a piece of cheese.

[390] Find some fucking new drugs and put it in his ice cream.

[391] Take it and put in something, some new.

[392] thing, regenerative tissue thing of the government events, just throw it in his food.

[393] Hey, Brian told me the other night, you're getting your blood re -injected?

[394] Was that bullshit?

[395] No, no, no, no, no, you fucker.

[396] No, it was true.

[397] Well, it's not your blood re -injected.

[398] It's called Regina King.

[399] It was invented by this German guy.

[400] It's, it's your blood, they spin in a centerfuge, and they heat it up.

[401] So you take your blood out, and then you whip it in this machine?

[402] We're doing ad copy again?

[403] No. Regina gene .com.

[404] There's a guy named Dr. Peter Weller, I believe his name is, he developed this process for dealing with inflammation.

[405] That's the other guy.

[406] You know, you might be right.

[407] I might have the wrong guy.

[408] Hold on a second.

[409] I'll do the ad while you look it up.

[410] It's not a ad .com.

[411] Are you tired of looking at those senogenics guys?

[412] Half naked in a Skymall catalog?

[413] Oh, Douglas.

[414] This will make your face young, too.

[415] Oh, Douglas.

[416] Anybody that's in pain, it can be a tremendous help.

[417] It's the most potent anti -inflammatory drug that human beings are figured out.

[418] Well, I did it a few times.

[419] It's amazing.

[420] Well, it's all these professional athletes.

[421] That is so Keith Richards of you.

[422] I have an anti -inflammatory drug.

[423] It's called alcoholism, and it works on my penis.

[424] I don't think it works.

[425] It hasn't been inflamed in years.

[426] Peter Welling.

[427] You're right.

[428] It's not, it's Welling.

[429] It's not a Robicop.

[430] I said Weller.

[431] No, no, what did you say to me?

[432] You're right?

[433] You're right, you're right always.

[434] I'm blushing.

[435] I refer to you more than I refer to you.

[436] to myself.

[437] How about that?

[438] But he was a guy in Germany who figured the shit out.

[439] They take your blood and they heat it.

[440] And your blood has a reaction while it's still viable.

[441] It has a reaction to the heat as if it's got a fever.

[442] And it creates this intense anti -inflammatory response.

[443] So it's in the very blood itself.

[444] They take it out of your body.

[445] They heat it.

[446] They spin it.

[447] And then it creates this yellow shit.

[448] And this yellow shit, they pull it out.

[449] And they call it something regenerate serum.

[450] I don't know the technical.

[451] And then they squirt it into anywhere you have arthritis, anywhere you have any kind of swelling inflammation, and it has like a magical response.

[452] That's why all these athletes, like, that's what got Peyton Manning back in a football, he had two neck surgeries, and he was fucked.

[453] And he went to Germany, and he got this procedure done on his neck, and it just fixed it.

[454] It's crazy.

[455] I was talking to Sean Rouse, I don't know if you know him.

[456] Yeah, he has serious arthritis.

[457] Yeah, and he wants to talk to you about it.

[458] I would love to talk to him about it.

[459] If you look at his hands, he needs to, like, break all his hands, like go to his operations and, you know.

[460] No, he's got some serious arthritis.

[461] Yeah, Sean, Jesus Christ, he's got the most crippling arthritis.

[462] Which, uh, I should say, because of Sean Rouse, I saw a young comedian get knocked the fuck out the other night at the comedy store.

[463] Somebody got knocked out by an audience member?

[464] I was sitting there with uh, Jason Rouse, Canadian guy who lived in London and J .J. Whitehead, uh, Canadian guys at the other end.

[465] And then Sean, and he was plastered, man. And he's, Sean Rouse.

[466] And he's sitting there.

[467] This story just lost all credibility.

[468] I'm talking to, there's a guy from Boston, Mike Favorman or whatever.

[469] This tall, young open mic comedian, we found out he was an open mic or later, comes up.

[470] I thought he knew Jason and JJ because of the way he's making fun of him.

[471] One guy, Jason's got a lot of tats.

[472] He's making me stupid tattoo jokes.

[473] Right.

[474] And I'm kind of talking to Mike from Boston.

[475] Is Chaley there?

[476] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. He had left earlier.

[477] We heard that Rouse was really fucked up.

[478] Rouse was plastered.

[479] So anyway, this...

[480] Tom Rhodes, bronze medalist and story editing.

[481] This comedian guy turns to Sean, very grandly to the table, and he goes, I'm sorry to bother you, gentlemen.

[482] I just couldn't pass up the chance to meet Moby.

[483] And he, like, sticks his hand out to Sean, who's all fucked up and can barely lift his head.

[484] This kid was a fucking douche.

[485] And Mike from Boston's got the kind of taxi driver, newsstand.

[486] guy had on and then the kid grandly turns this table of veteran comedian sitting here grandly turns to Mike and he goes I'll be seeing you in the morning when I come to pick up my newspaper.

[487] Faberman?

[488] You said it to Faberman?

[489] He said it to favorment.

[490] Oh.

[491] Faberman doesn't play.

[492] I turned and this kid was being such and I was joking around when I said it.

[493] I turned to Mike I go I'll give you $20 if you've punched this kid in the face and with his comedic timing was brilliant.

[494] He didn't miss just boom and this kid went back and it was who all hell broke loose you know what he I don't know what he looked like but but oh my favorman is a legit savage he's the wrong guy to fuck with well I mean who this guy and then all this you know and he's on the sidewalk was this in the showroom no no out on the patio bar favorman has a story there man they think he has a story has a story about fucking this made it's one of funny stories I've ever heard of my life listen Listen, do you don't have to I just don't know if I You don't know Mike Faberman?

[495] No Really?

[496] I don't know He's a good dude He's a good dude He's a good He had this story about He was beaten off In his hotel room And the maid opened up the door And the maid freaked out He goes no no no no Come on shut the door Shut the door Shut the door He's like the only guy ever To get caught Beating off And fucking a maid Like ever Like he really did it He said I go what did he Did he pay her?

[497] No No I go I go what do he what did she look like?

[498] She goes, it wasn't no prize.

[499] It wasn't no prize.

[500] He looks like Inman.

[501] Mike's a good dude.

[502] He's a good dude.

[503] He's a very good cook.

[504] Oh, wait.

[505] He plays out of the guy to fuck with.

[506] He plays punchy and Ray Donovan.

[507] He doesn't.

[508] That picture.

[509] I know the picture.

[510] It's the hat, man. But it was like a movie scene, this kid.

[511] And he was just, you know.

[512] Faberman will punch you in your fucking face.

[513] He's crazy.

[514] He's always been crazy.

[515] He's a good dude, though.

[516] He's a good dude.

[517] Oh, the wife beat her right there.

[518] is with a homeboy from the radio.

[519] What's his name?

[520] Oh, yeah.

[521] Fraser Smith.

[522] Frazier Smith.

[523] And Don Barris.

[524] He's a Boston guy?

[525] Frazier Smith used to have a radio show here.

[526] No, no. Favorman.

[527] Yeah, he's from Boston originally.

[528] Yeah.

[529] Faberman.

[530] I was just going to say he looked like the funniest guy at the barbecue and you switched to a picture of barbecue.

[531] I hung out with Faberman, Joey Diaz, and Ralphie May the day 9 -11 happened.

[532] The day, they shut down all the flights, the day, the shit hit the fan.

[533] We all got high.

[534] We went to Baja Fresh.

[535] We ate some burritos and we stared at the sky.

[536] It's like, dude, there's no planes.

[537] There's no fucking planes.

[538] And then we went over to Ralphie's place.

[539] And Ralphie and Faberman lived like in the same area.

[540] Was he a gardener then?

[541] Fabman?

[542] No, Ralphie.

[543] By my old place?

[544] Gardner by coaching horses?

[545] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[546] Actually, you know what?

[547] I'm sorry.

[548] We went to Faberman's place and Ralphie came over to buy wheat because Faberman needs to sell weed.

[549] That was your September 11th.

[550] Because you used to live in that same sort of building.

[551] It's the baddest guy in the world because this is Armageddon and we're going to need to eat someone.

[552] Faberman had some good weed.

[553] No, he had some good weed.

[554] And we were like, well, the world is ending.

[555] Let's go get fucked up.

[556] So we went and got high.

[557] It was me and Diaz and Faberman and Ralphie May. And it was 2001.

[558] It was the day when we were just sitting around smoking weed talking about how crazy is like this might be.

[559] We might be in the middle of a war.

[560] We were thinking at that moment in time that this is.

[561] just the beginning.

[562] The planes flew into buildings, but what if shit starts happening left and right?

[563] Like, what if we start seeing missiles headed to L .A.?

[564] What if we see L .A. hit with a nuke?

[565] Like, fuck, that's just as likely as two planes flying into buildings in the same day.

[566] So we were freaking out, and we're all getting high together.

[567] So, oh, let's have a special bar.

[568] I was in Amsterdam at the zoo.

[569] Three o 'clock at the zoo in Amsterdam is feeding time.

[570] That's 3 p .m. is 9 a .m. in New York City.

[571] And I had been there before for it, and I knew I wanted to be in front of the lion cages at 3 o 'clock when they're throwing the meat out and like it's cool the lions start they can smell the meat in the back and they'd start pacing and growling and there's these metal doors and they're scratching on it and shit it's pretty cool and then they open the metal doors and they grab the meat so when the planes hit I was watching lions rip raw meat apart with it.

[572] Oh see I would assume all the animals would have run for the hills knowing 9 -11 was about to happen how come they don't do that the Netherlands is so open -minded why don't they feed those animals animals why do they have to feed them they want to eat animals more important why is Baja fresh open on 9 -11 Jesus Christ Baja fresh supports our troops our troops need to fuel up some healthy carbs that's what it is our troops need to fuel up we need beans and beans and jalapinos by fresh supports the troops Mike Faberman was the guy that actually put together that boxing match with all the comics Oh yeah I never heard How did I not hear about that One of the guys had cerebral palsy And I was like, that's not good I didn't really shouldn't hit that guy If it's Josh Blue against crazy legs Fonseca Either one of those guys should not be hitting each other And then maybe falling on each other And headbutting each other on the way down My God's sake is in a chair.

[573] How far can he fall?

[574] They're both going to get fucked up.

[575] How did I not hear about a comedy boxing match, and when did this happen?

[576] Oh, it's film, too.

[577] He filmed it.

[578] He's like trying to make it a show.

[579] It's really good.

[580] Comedy boxing with.

[581] I know too much about brain damage.

[582] But how did this happen?

[583] When did this happen?

[584] It was a Faberman's idea?

[585] Yeah, Faberman and Rusty Dooley.

[586] Who fought who?

[587] Rusty Dooley.

[588] Yeah.

[589] Rusty Dooley, best six -pack in all of comedy.

[590] Kids shredded.

[591] No doubt.

[592] I have two, three packs.

[593] I got a vernal hernia of.

[594] Ventral, ventral hernia.

[595] Do you really?

[596] Yeah, my six -pack split.

[597] You should get that shit fixed.

[598] Yeah, I, I, I, uh...

[599] Bravo had one of those, Eddie.

[600] Oh, really?

[601] Yeah, he did two of them, one on each side.

[602] He had it fixed.

[603] You can't have a problem again.

[604] I guess, yeah, ventral just means front.

[605] I found out through my doctor, Google.

[606] It's pretty intense.

[607] They, uh, they put like a, like a webbing.

[608] Yeah, mesh in your skin, and they sew it in, and they sew the area that's wounded.

[609] Yeah, it becomes more strong.

[610] I got that in my umbilical hernia.

[611] Then I coughed myself into a groinel hernia.

[612] that I haven't had fixed, and now I have a ventral hernia.

[613] I showed it to Chrysher on his podcast.

[614] He took pictures, so that'll be up next week.

[615] Jesus Christ.

[616] It's like alien bursting out of your chest.

[617] What is it?

[618] What's it from?

[619] Your six -pack splits and your guts start to...

[620] Only in a position.

[621] I was trying to stretch my back, like I was doing sit -ups off...

[622] You're trying to stretch your back?

[623] No, no, that's how I noticed it.

[624] It doesn't hurt or anything.

[625] Oh, you don't feel anything?

[626] No, no. I was trying to lean off the back of a bed.

[627] like most of my body and I leaned down and then my fucking this hump comes out of my chest like alien and bingo looked down and it audibly screamed and I'm like oh shit that can't be good dude dude seriously imagine if you were really possessed what would you do if like demons I wouldn't do a sit up off the bed and I'd be fine if you sat back and you're like what the fuck and it's like a little jackal lanterns underneath your skin moving around your stomach what would you do Doug Stanhope.

[628] Would you go to Jesus?

[629] I'd do exactly what I'm doing with this hernia and the other hernia is ignore it.

[630] No, you can't ignore a fucking jackalanta demon living in your gut.

[631] If you saw it poking through your skin and moving around and laughing at you, he'd have to address it.

[632] No, I would drink and then ask Tom, when you drink it's easy to ignore obvious problems.

[633] That's been my life medical plan.

[634] Like my family, you know, you don't go to the doctor unless you've got a bullet wound.

[635] Right.

[636] And I just got insurance.

[637] His family invented the phrase, it's just a flesh wound.

[638] I just got health insurance under the deadline.

[639] And I actually, I stopped during January 1st.

[640] I blacked out in Philadelphia.

[641] Oh, good story.

[642] And I busted my head open.

[643] I got six stitches.

[644] See the nice scar?

[645] Wow.

[646] Yeah.

[647] And I didn't, you know, it's too bad.

[648] What was it?

[649] Was they figure out what caused it?

[650] I got drunk and fell down.

[651] So just being hampered Hang on, I've heard the story So I'm going to use this opportunity to piss So you So you blacked out just because you were drunk And then you fell down Has it ever happened before?

[652] I mean I've For a second Over the years it's happened a couple times But I mean getting drunk and falling down It's one thing But if you Did you black out Or did you blacked out I was not working I was I did helium in Philadelphia For New Year's Eve Great Room Had three sold out shows fantastic fucking night.

[653] It wasn't New Year's Eve night.

[654] I had, because New Year's Eve was on a Wednesday, they had me do the stay for the Friday, Saturday.

[655] I'm off January 1st, and I went out by myself.

[656] I actually stayed in and worked all day, and then I went out about 8, 9 o 'clock, and I watched the Fiesta Bowl, and I had 10 Sierra Nevada's.

[657] My brother was at the game, and I texted my brother.

[658] I was texting my brother, great game, love you, bro, and just fell forward off a stool.

[659] and hit the tile ground.

[660] And this guy grabs my arm and he's lifting me up and he goes, we gotta call an ambulance.

[661] And I go, fuck that.

[662] I don't have health insurance.

[663] I woke up once my head at the ground, by the way.

[664] But this guy goes, we got to call an ambulance.

[665] I go, fuck that, I don't have health insurance.

[666] Don't you dare call an ambulance?

[667] I go, how far is the hospital?

[668] He said, two blocks.

[669] I go, two blocks and you were going to call an ambulance?

[670] It's like 15 grand.

[671] Oh, my God.

[672] And so I walked to the hospital, but, you know, I didn't have health insurance and, you know, had the Obama deadlock.

[673] line been January 1st that I've been covered.

[674] What, what, does anybody understand this?

[675] Do you know anything about it?

[676] No, I got, uh, at some points, I, I met a insurance person and I have like catastrophic insurance.

[677] So if I get like really fucked up in a car wreck, they'll cover that.

[678] I don't, I don't, again, I don't go to doctors.

[679] It's just not something like that.

[680] I don't either.

[681] It's probably a good move.

[682] So I don't have any idea how health insurance works.

[683] Yeah, no. If I need to get out of a social situation really badly, I'll go to a doctor because I know they're going to go, oh, this, you have to be admitted right away.

[684] And I go, sorry, honey, I can't go to bed and breakfast with your parents like I promised when I was drunk.

[685] That's a fucking great strategy.

[686] As long as you can keep the wheels on it, it's a great strategy.

[687] Because there's a lot of cars that keep rolling down the hill and they make a lot of squeaky noises, but they still get there somehow.

[688] How many surgeries have you had?

[689] Many.

[690] How many?

[691] And you're in perfect Europe.

[692] What kind of insurance do you have?

[693] specimen that you can get your blood transfer.

[694] So the point is, he's in perfect physical condition, does it smoke cigarettes?

[695] He said, I've had one surgery that I got for free on a trade -out by asking for it on my website.

[696] Hey, listen, I'm not denying that you make a lot of good points.

[697] I would never tell anybody to take the path that I've taken.

[698] Like, physically, it's not a good move.

[699] Yes, he would.

[700] No, I wouldn't unless you really wanted to.

[701] But if you tear your knee doing something, don't keep doing it.

[702] You get six months of rehab?

[703] I just couldn't wait for the six months.

[704] I'm always sad when I see a friend that's into MMA, because I know he's going to die an ugly death.

[705] You know, all bullshit aside, I am sad when I see a guy who doesn't know that he shouldn't be doing it.

[706] There's a lot of guys that wind up, not jihitsu.

[707] Jiu Jiu Jitsu is for anybody.

[708] Anybody can do jiu -jitsu.

[709] But competitive MMA, some guys that just shouldn't be doing it.

[710] Good, because at the end of this podcast, Tom and I are going to jiu -jitsu each other in a death match.

[711] It's going to be the biggest girl kicking match in the world.

[712] Slap fight.

[713] Getting hit is a completely different story, though.

[714] You know, I've had two knee surgeries.

[715] I've had a nose surgery.

[716] Those are like the two big ones.

[717] Nose surgery?

[718] Yeah, I've actually had three knee surgeries now that I think about it.

[719] Because I had two on one knee.

[720] I had an ACL reconstructed.

[721] Then I had my meniscusoped.

[722] And the other one, I had the ACL reconstructed.

[723] Then I had my nose opened up because I had a lot of scar tissue in there.

[724] When you forget surgeries, I remember.

[725] Remember, my cousin did a pilot.

[726] My cousin did a pilot in 1984 with Christopher Lloyd.

[727] He's the guy from the past the future?

[728] Yeah, Massachusetts, your snapshot was in the paper in the back row of a thing.

[729] Everyone talks about it.

[730] So it was a big deal.

[731] And I moved to L .A. I saw Christopher Lloyd at the bar at the improv.

[732] And I went up, I go, hey, I don't know if you remember, I don't want to approach you, but Grant Forsberg is my cousin and you did a television pilot with him in the 80s.

[733] And he goes, I don't know, I did a lot of TV shows.

[734] Yeah.

[735] How do you get that fucking...

[736] Yeah, well, fuck that you forget a TV show.

[737] But when you forget surgeries...

[738] Well, you think about how many TV shows that guy's had.

[739] I've only had four surgeries.

[740] Four pretty major ones.

[741] But you forgot one.

[742] Actually, now that I think about it, it's three knee surgeries.

[743] Well, it's...

[744] You start treating your body like a car.

[745] You know, you blow out a tire.

[746] You go, all right, you've got to get another tire.

[747] Can they fix it?

[748] As long as they can fix it.

[749] But shit that gets weird is, like, vinyl shit.

[750] And that's why I've been getting this regenticine shit.

[751] The regenticine stuff is because of a bulging disc.

[752] Mix martial arts.

[753] Well, not Jiu -Jitsu.

[754] I haven't stopped Jiu -Sitza.

[755] You've gotten into Regina Kane from some Nazi doctor.

[756] Mengala Jr. has got you on the yellow stuff.

[757] I had to take a break.

[758] The yellow shit.

[759] From Jiu -Jitsu because of this injury.

[760] So I'm trying to get back in shape to do it again.

[761] It's just too much fun.

[762] You know, it's like, that's why I sympathize if you guys smoking cigarettes.

[763] I understand what you're doing.

[764] It's just my, my, uh, what I do, the risks I take are a different kind of physical.

[765] You're going to see Sean Rouse shaking in an alley, scratching his arm.

[766] I need some more of the yellow shit, man. Heat my blood.

[767] I need more of the yellow shit.

[768] It's not cheap.

[769] That's the other problem.

[770] You think Rouse making money?

[771] Do you think Obama care of care?

[772] I'll suck your dick, man. Sean, you're not that young anymore.

[773] I saw it.

[774] Yeah, I don't think it is.

[775] I don't think it's covered by any insurance.

[776] It's what's called off -label.

[777] I saw You can only buy it in Bitcoin, it's that kind of that.

[778] Dogecoin.

[779] You can use Dogecoin too.

[780] They now accepting Dogecoin.

[781] I made from that thing with that dude is over $2 ,000.

[782] That's amazing.

[783] $2 ,100 going to him.

[784] We had a people donate Bitcoin, and I would treat the Bitcoin like it was real money, and then I would take whatever anybody donated in Bitcoin and send it to my friend who's living in the Congo, and he's helping pygmies in the Congo.

[785] building the wells and shit.

[786] So he's going to send, you know, it's going to be real.

[787] Actually, fuck it, I'll double it.

[788] Whatever it is, wherever they have.

[789] All right, whatever other people put in, I'll put it in the exact same amount.

[790] So I think it's like $2 ,100.

[791] It's pretty cool.

[792] Because the guy's living in the Congo, you know.

[793] I mean, he used to be a mixed martial arts fighter, and he just went down there for, like, a vacation just to see what it was like.

[794] And he fell in love with these people, like, this idea that these people in the Congo, these, like, really suppressed people that are forced to work mines and they don't have any no one's taking care of them there's no medicine there's no water they don't have clean water so he's building them wells and shit and it's really amazing it's amazing shit Joe do you want to put a disclaimer though like a maximum amount because you don't want to be like I don't want to go bankrupt if it's more than like 50 grand you can go fuck yourself if it gets crazy I like the pigmies but come on yeah because I mean it's Bitcoin some guys just like oh yeah here's two billion bitcoin that's what's weird about it is like it varies like one day it'll be worth 29 hundred bucks or a nineteen hundred bucks the other day it'll be worth twenty one hundred bucks it totally varies from day to day it's strange it's like um it's like it's like it makes a lot of sense if you don't know what it is do you know what it is at all you ever follow it the bitcoin thing yeah it's really hard to follow no i can't i i can't do basic math well it's not even that we had this guy andreas antinopoulos uh explained to us in very clear terms we're We're like, oh, he's just so bad for you, Mr. Anthonyobius.

[795] He explained it, but essentially it's got a very set number of bitcoins that exist.

[796] And so inflation is sort of removed from the equation.

[797] Like the gold standard.

[798] It's sort of similar.

[799] Which I don't understand.

[800] I don't understand either.

[801] But it's all done on computers.

[802] It's all like ones and zeros.

[803] You know, I don't know if it's a good idea.

[804] I don't know if it's a bad idea, but it seems to be a, at least.

[805] a person could it's like we all agree like you you live in a small town so I think in a small town you get a better sense of community and we kind of all agree that you know like if you go to a place and they're selling sandwiches like how much the sandwiches five bucks that's that sounds right that sounds right makes sense if but if we didn't have money and we had used some sort of a barter system we'd still figure out what's worth what you know that that's what we would do how many sandwiches are available yeah and but we're we're trapped and this idea that money is the only way to do it.

[806] Dollars, quarters, $5s, $20, this is the only way to do it.

[807] But it's not the only way to do it.

[808] If enough fucking people agree to go this Bitcoin route, it's already established.

[809] Like, this is a real possibility.

[810] And everybody's poo -pooing it like it's a joke.

[811] And it is kind of a joke in some ways.

[812] Enough people are getting the joke.

[813] Yeah, you're right.

[814] A magic The Gathering was the fucking the big server that went down.

[815] Like, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[816] You had a Magic the Gathering And it became one of the biggest Bitcoin sites in the world like what the fuck like magic thing.

[817] And didn't have the right security.

[818] The whole thing is set up wrong.

[819] It winds up losing 350 million plus dollars in Bitcoins like the direct equivalent of like the guy gets robbed and everybody has their money in this exchange just gets fucking robbed.

[820] But it's still going.

[821] It's still going.

[822] See how we can just shut us down?

[823] We want to throw in some fucking smart ass bars.

[824] But he just gets all right.

[825] smart on us and we have to sit at us.

[826] I mean, you're smart.

[827] I want you to get goofy, but but this is a fascinating thing in our time.

[828] We're seeing an alternative to dollars.

[829] The first viable alternative.

[830] Everyone goes to what internet currency and then someone could easily rob your or banks or everything.

[831] It's what they're doing with regular money though.

[832] Or you could just lose your iPhone.

[833] But what the, what the, yeah, but I have an alternative to money.

[834] Hey, I'll put you on the guest list.

[835] You write the number down.

[836] All you have to do is write the number down.

[837] It's not that hard.

[838] Oh great.

[839] Another currency.

[840] I'm broken.

[841] But it's not that.

[842] There you go.

[843] Hey, good smart -ass barb, sir.

[844] You guys are teaming up on my strategy to introduce new ideas.

[845] You and your ability to retain knowledge rub it in our face.

[846] It's not I'll retain knowledge.

[847] I retain information.

[848] Yeah.

[849] So the knowledge of it, the reason why I keep talking about it over and over again is the knowledge is not sinking in.

[850] So I don't really get it.

[851] So I talk about it over and over again.

[852] I see your reaction to it and you're like, whoa, that's fucking crazy and then slowly but surely it becomes knowledge if people talk to me in analogies that then i can get it and i try to do that with when i'm trying to do a bit that other people might i'll go it's like this yeah okay if you can make it stupid for me like a kid okay honey imagine if you had two apples yeah jimmy stole one of your apples i do that all i do that all the time i think that's a great way of communicating fucked up ideas but even then but it's important to both it's important to say it use the big words and then go I mean it's like this like this so okay you get now you understand the big word I just learned with the stupidity I needed to learn it especially if you're on stage and you're telling a joke because if you do that you can actually make someone laugh at something they ordinarily would argue with you about right you could just sneak it in yeah yeah okay we're both on the same page I love you don't we have some ad copy to read I'm just here to do the advertisements.

[853] We're done.

[854] The ad copy's over.

[855] Forever.

[856] Come on.

[857] One more ad?

[858] Do you see that footage of a drone going to the...

[859] How dare you make me uncomfortable?

[860] In Japan.

[861] A drone?

[862] Yeah, the drone went into the radiation in Japan and it's just flying around like the deserted cities.

[863] And it's so creepy.

[864] Because all these houses have...

[865] Is it glowing?

[866] No, but just hasn't been touched since it happened.

[867] It's really...

[868] Yeah, great.

[869] What are you trying to scare the fuck out of me?

[870] The only thing that scares the fuck out of me more than radiation is sharks.

[871] You know, they're like, the radiation is going to kill you in the ocean.

[872] Well, the sharks will kill you first.

[873] How about that?

[874] Do you not swim?

[875] I even bring that up.

[876] Fuck that, dude.

[877] I go in the water up to my waist in Hawaii, and I panic every time.

[878] Because last time I was there, a woman got killed by a shark.

[879] That's real.

[880] Yeah, I know.

[881] If I was there and a woman got murdered by the werewolf, would you go in the woods?

[882] You'd be like, I'm not going to the fucking woods, but they're like, hey, you know.

[883] Costa Rica, I'll go in the water, but no, we're going to Hawaii to Tomorrow, the next day, I won't go in the water.

[884] Those fucking tiger sharks, man, they're too scary.

[885] Tiger sharks and bull sharks.

[886] Those are the scariest ones.

[887] So you know that fucking, the whole movie Jaws was based on something that happened in freshwater?

[888] Oh, the New Jersey thing?

[889] Yeah.

[890] Yeah, yeah.

[891] There's fresh water.

[892] It was a river.

[893] Oh, wait, no, that's not the New Jersey thing.

[894] There was a rash of New Jersey shark attacks in the early 1900s.

[895] Yeah, that's it.

[896] It was in a river.

[897] It was not fresh water.

[898] Yeah, it was.

[899] All right.

[900] That's what's fucked.

[901] there's a thing called a bull shark that swims in fresh water.

[902] They swim so far in fresh water that they saw them in Illinois.

[903] They have them up the Mississippi River in fucking Illinois, a shark that came directly from the ocean.

[904] That's more reason we need stronger immigration policy.

[905] That's why you can't take my guns from a duck, stay and hope.

[906] I literally saw a song.

[907] Build a wall, build a fence.

[908] That's what I say.

[909] I literally saw a song the other day that was talking about prying a gun from my cold dead hands that was the song it's like you can come get my gun from my cold dead hands like this guy thought about that wrote it down said fuck and I'm putting this shit on wax but you heard it oh I heard the whole song I listened to the whole song so someone's putting it out someone's on his side there's some what's the guy's name the stapler guy from office space that played our even root if you can't get the fucking reference right away Drop the joke, Stanhope.

[910] Yeah.

[911] Stephen Root.

[912] Man of Constant Starrow.

[913] There's a long way to get to this pointless reference.

[914] He played the record guy that said the guy's the thing with the thing, the man of constant sorrow and George Clooney and the, yeah, see?

[915] He put it on wax, too.

[916] It wasn't Lee Greenwood, was it?

[917] Yes.

[918] Let's just say yes.

[919] See, Tom gets what I'm saying.

[920] Almost.

[921] That guy, Lee Greenwood, nothing was happening in his career.

[922] He had that one song, I'm proud to be an American.

[923] Fucking nothing's going on in his career.

[924] And then September 11th happened.

[925] His career's on fire!

[926] I always tell Henry Phillips to write a Christmas song.

[927] They're so desperate to have another Christmas song that they will play any fucking thing about Christmas.

[928] They're so desperate to have a Christmas song.

[929] They went with the Hanukkah song.

[930] Remember that?

[931] Yeah.

[932] They went with the...

[933] Adam Sandlaw Hanukkah song.

[934] Every year.

[935] Grandma still got run over by a reindeer.

[936] fucking 30 years later they can't wait to have one more Henry Phillips get off your ass and get a fucking Christmas song how about they don't even come up with new Christmas cartoons the same fucking cartoons the Grinch stole Christmas it would be CGI I now and the Grinch would be like crushing villages they'd be evil looking he'd be very demonic wouldn't be so sweet and cuddly well you saw what they did with Batman they could probably do that with the Grinch did you watch the latest Batman I've never watched the Batman where the tragedy occurred where those people get shot in Colorado for whatever reason.

[937] That's the best Batman ever with Christian Bail and what's his name who died.

[938] I've heard it's awesome.

[939] That's the greatest Batman.

[940] I'm done with Batman.

[941] That was the greatest Batman ever.

[942] The Dark Night?

[943] That's it.

[944] I didn't see it.

[945] Best Batman ever.

[946] Because of what happened in Colorado?

[947] No, no, no. Nothing.

[948] It's too bad that happened.

[949] No, no, no. I'm saying the reason I don't watch it is because of that.

[950] Columbine?

[951] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[952] One of the comics from the Comedy Works guy's shot.

[953] Yeah, yeah, yeah, serious business.

[954] Oh, the theater.

[955] The theater shooting guy.

[956] That guy, because for whatever reason, that movie's connected in my head.

[957] Yeah, that's fucked up.

[958] I can't just watch that movie.

[959] If I watch that movie, I'll kind of, like, get weirded out.

[960] Why does that one shooting weird you out?

[961] I know.

[962] I saw it in the theater after that happened, like, a few weeks later.

[963] And then you're in the theater thing, and you're looking at the fucking exit doors.

[964] I'm not saying it's logical.

[965] I'm just saying.

[966] Oh, I don't go to actual movies.

[967] I saw it at home.

[968] But I had to see what bingo.

[969] I can see why the man was traumatized I'm not traumatized I just chose not to see it because I thought about seeing it a few times and I just kept getting that thing in my head that a bunch of people fucking died while this movie was being made that's all it is I mean it doesn't make any sense I know it doesn't make any sense I'm not like arguing the logical you know that it makes sense that I have this weird thing I love that while you're saying this you're slamming ice in your glass I know this doesn't make sense but I just needed drink, I need a little something to take the edge off.

[970] I'm not, there's no edge, Doug Stano.

[971] I'm not very you.

[972] I know it doesn't make any sense.

[973] I'm not, uh, defending.

[974] Why would they ever make another superhero movie?

[975] We've seen, they made another Superman.

[976] I loved, uh, Captain America.

[977] They're fun.

[978] They're stupid as fuck.

[979] You know he's going to be alive.

[980] I read the Captain America comic book when I was a kid, one of the few that I looked at.

[981] And it was the lamest.

[982] Dude, the superhero, he couldn't fly, he had to fly on the thing, and then he had the shield.

[983] He was like the biggest pussy superhero ever.

[984] And then in the late 70s, there was a black character called the Falcon.

[985] All right, I'm out.

[986] Captain America would be getting his ass whooped and his black friend, the falcom, would come and save him.

[987] Yeah, well, that's how it usually happens in real life.

[988] You know, you get your ass kick, you call your friend.

[989] But it was cute.

[990] If he's black and wears a fucking mask, you're good.

[991] But a black character couldn't get his own comic book.

[992] He had to be, like, introduced.

[993] He had like three pages in Captain America.

[994] Marvel.

[995] Marvel was a little bit more bold.

[996] Marvel had Blade.

[997] Blade was a superhero.

[998] He was a black guy.

[999] Night crawler.

[1000] I'm sure that came out much later.

[1001] He wasn't really black.

[1002] Well, I guess he was more like demonic.

[1003] I had Roger from what's happening.

[1004] He's geeky, but he was the smart one of his group.

[1005] That was the Roger of my social circle.

[1006] Captain Merrick was still fun.

[1007] I know it was stupid.

[1008] I know the premise is stupid, but it's still a fun movie.

[1009] just nonsense you're watching nonsense for a couple hours laughing you know having a good time watching spaceships getting shot up by missiles and whatever it's stupid but it's fun you know nobody got shot you can enjoy though plenty of people got shot a lot of people died in captain america no in a movie i mean at the premiere oh in the premiere oh did you forget where your heart was at the beginning of this conversation i forgot my true loyalty i uh i know it doesn't make sense that i don't watch the batman movie and i've come I'm close to watch it a few times, but I always think, think, I don't want to fucking see it.

[1010] Just because of that.

[1011] That guy, he did Joker.

[1012] He was amazing.

[1013] I'm sure.

[1014] I'm sure.

[1015] I mean, that Heath Ledger character was fucking incredible.

[1016] Yeah.

[1017] He was amazing at the other backgrounds.

[1018] Wait, yeah, no, I'm getting confused.

[1019] That's the one.

[1020] Heath Ledger was the joke wasn't around one.

[1021] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1022] That was the, no, that was his foot.

[1023] Bain.

[1024] Oh, Bain, yeah.

[1025] Christian Bail was the, was the...

[1026] No, Bain was the guy.

[1027] Heath Ledger's years ago.

[1028] Tom Rhodes, you became my grandpa.

[1029] Look at you.

[1030] You like my grandpa.

[1031] I doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, but yells about it.

[1032] That's the fucking John Wayne!

[1033] It was a John Wayne movie!

[1034] I know every time I say, Keith Ledger on stage, I know how dated it is.

[1035] Was Heath Ledger in the new Batman?

[1036] No, right?

[1037] No, I didn't say he was in the new Batman.

[1038] He was in the one at the premiere shooting.

[1039] No, no, no. No, no. The new one was the Bane one.

[1040] The Bain one was the one where the guy came out.

[1041] Is that a year ago or two years ago?

[1042] 2012, the Dark Night Rises.

[1043] Yeah, so, men.

[1044] I believe it was May. I like to think I remember my shootings.

[1045] The number one problem with Captain America.

[1046] My audience comes to me when there's a big shooting waiting for my response.

[1047] To see if you've got a joke.

[1048] If Malaysian planes went down every six or eight weeks, I would be the prime minister of the shooting that has to come out with the joke.

[1049] I have an odd fan base is all I'm saying.

[1050] I'm aware of that.

[1051] I agree.

[1052] It's very odd.

[1053] that's what you get.

[1054] You're putting out an odd vibe.

[1055] You know, you live in the middle of nowhere.

[1056] What is Death Squad?

[1057] Explain Death Squad to me. No one ever figured it out.

[1058] It's funny.

[1059] I was in London in February.

[1060] It's too scary.

[1061] The theater, they go, some people showed up, and they said they were with the Death Squad.

[1062] I was playing the Soho Theater.

[1063] It was just like really prestigious theater in London.

[1064] And I got to play this theater, man, and the fucking, they're really proper theater people.

[1065] This is the origin of it.

[1066] We're like, death squads.

[1067] We're on the Opie and Anthony show.

[1068] It was Eddie Bravo, Red Band, Tate, me. Tate.

[1069] And I showed up in the Eddie, and Eddie Bravo's, you know, Black Belt Jiu -Jitsu champion and Tate's this big gorilla.

[1070] And, uh...

[1071] Oh, not Jeff Tate.

[1072] No, no, no, no, the comedian Jeff Tate.

[1073] After, quickly, after Chrysher and I, where did our picks for the, you know, ultimate tour, we got down and sat down with his children and wife for dinner.

[1074] And he mentioned Jeff Tate.

[1075] I'm like, fuck, Jeff Tate.

[1076] Why didn't I pick Jeff Tate on my...

[1077] Yeah, he's a great comic out of Cincinnati.

[1078] Yeah, anyway.

[1079] Oh, so you thought I was talking about that guy.

[1080] Yeah, so go ahead.

[1081] Tletcher, he's a big giant guy.

[1082] And Opie from Opie and Anthony goes, look, Joe Rogan showed up with the Death Squad.

[1083] That's it.

[1084] And then it was a joke.

[1085] We were laughing.

[1086] Ha, ha, ha.

[1087] And then somehow and other, people kept using it.

[1088] And then, you know, many years later, Brian started these videos.

[1089] Remember those videos?

[1090] Yeah, the original Death Squad podcast.

[1091] Yeah, we used to do these videos like at show.

[1092] and then he started the Death Squad podcast network.

[1093] The videos were all just us hanging around at shows.

[1094] Like you would do these little clips of stupid shit that was happening.

[1095] It was actually, we did the Joe show, and there was all this extra footage that was just bullshit stuff.

[1096] And so I just made, like, quick one -minute videos.

[1097] Every time I see a Death Squad t -shirt in my audience, which is often, I always say, hey, Death Squad, point them out on stage.

[1098] It's a weird name.

[1099] But I'm going to stop doing that.

[1100] Buy my T -shirts.

[1101] Buy your T -shirts anyway.

[1102] It's a weird name.

[1103] That's why I stopped using it But I just stopped using it because it just sounds too crazy to use But feel free to keep using it I never knew the origins I just I assumed that was your network No, it's Brian Well Brian started his podcast and he used that name The name sort of represented all of us No, I just have this What is a network?

[1104] You know what does that mean?

[1105] I have a network of guys that I'm friends with I'm on all things comedy officially I don't know what that means I don't even know what it means You're getting somebody else involved I know I love Bill Burr And yeah sure I'll do that.

[1106] All that means is that you are joining up with a bunch of other people.

[1107] So in that sense, yes, but it's completely unofficial.

[1108] So, like, my podcast is joined with Ari's podcast, is joined with Joey Diaz's podcast, is joined with Duncan's podcast, is joined with all the Death Squad podcasts that Red Band produces, is joined with Burke Kreischer's podcast, is joined with Tom Seguer and Christine.

[1109] But it's all completely because we're friends.

[1110] There's no agreement, but we all support each other.

[1111] We all constantly.

[1112] But that's like all things comedies like that as well.

[1113] There's no contracts.

[1114] No. And they just wanted to, you know, comedians to, you know, get.

[1115] That's beautiful.

[1116] Do their own thing.

[1117] Yeah, but we're not like, there's no like official connection.

[1118] We just support.

[1119] All it does for me is make me more disciplined in that, okay, now I, I guess I told Bill Burr tacitly that I will do this on a weekly basis rather than go, fuck it.

[1120] No one cares.

[1121] Yeah.

[1122] So, yeah, I'll, I'll be better about putting it out.

[1123] I feel like I have an obligation, but...

[1124] You should hire a guy that just turn the mic on.

[1125] It's so fucking fun.

[1126] I do.

[1127] It's so easy.

[1128] Just hire a guy all the time.

[1129] But I mean all the time.

[1130] Whoever he is, all the time, you should have a guy that just turns the mic on.

[1131] It's so easy for you.

[1132] And it'll be fun for you.

[1133] I do at what...

[1134] You should do them every fucking day.

[1135] You should have a guy that turns the microphone on you every day.

[1136] Just lets you go.

[1137] Just turn the microphone on and lets you go.

[1138] And then...

[1139] Have you ever tried to do it, Bill Burr -style?

[1140] Have you ever done one by yourself?

[1141] I did a bunch of them.

[1142] the beginning by myself.

[1143] That's amazing that he does for an hour.

[1144] I'm scared to even try it even though I know I don't have to put it out.

[1145] I've done it in between two where a guy like you like maybe need to take a leak and you get up and I'll just keep going and even for 10 minutes but it becomes easy after a while.

[1146] You fall into a path.

[1147] I'm sure it would be at but initially even when if I'm doing a set where I really a all new shit too much new shit do about to do a a DVD whatever I will get Brian my manager and make him like I just have to say this out loud you have to stand there but I can't say it out loud to myself okay this segues into this and then I'm going to do this so you say it out loud in front of someone other than the audience if it's important no before a show like if I if I if like when I work the UK and I have to abandon two thirds of my set because it doesn't translate and I've been writing a bunch of new shit that I don't really know and I have to say it out loud before I go on stage okay this is the segue this gets me into this.

[1148] I'll make Brian listen to me say, not the whole set, but the bullet points and what the segue is, because I couldn't say it to myself, which I really am, but I need someone standing there to say it out loud.

[1149] And that's what a podcast by myself would feel like.

[1150] Right.

[1151] No, yeah, I see where you play is, but it's more of a freestyle thing if you choose to just go over what's going on in the news every day.

[1152] There's always something in the news that's fascinating.

[1153] The beautiful thing about the time we're in, if you wanted to do a solo podcast is all you have to do is go to your Twitter feed.

[1154] You know, I have a guy works for me, Matt Stags, he's my publicist for the podcast, and every day he sends me a news, an afternoon news, and an evening news, and a morning news.

[1155] It's all just the most fucked up shit that's going on in the world, fascinating things.

[1156] And any day, I've got 20 of them.

[1157] Any day, there's 20 subjects.

[1158] But you would just start talking about it.

[1159] Right, but I think what you're talking about, like just when you look at someone, when you speak just things I totally know what you're saying instead of talking to the air and not looking at so.

[1160] And if I'm talking too much one of you will roll your eyes at me and I'll shut up and let the other guy talk.

[1161] I don't have to do that.

[1162] It's a totally different dynamic if you're doing a solo podcast.

[1163] Like nobody wants you to shut up.

[1164] It's more about just not thinking about what you're saying finding like a channel in the river of ideas and just riding it.

[1165] And then just like freeballing.

[1166] You get like this comfortable free ball thing going on, and as long as you're not too conscious or aware of what you're doing, you kind of catch this wave of creativity.

[1167] It's really fun.

[1168] You know, I've only done it a few times, but I've done it on stage a bunch of times, and there's this thing that Brian does with Jeremiah Watson.

[1169] Have Thunder Pussy.

[1170] Yeah.

[1171] That's the name, though, right?

[1172] Yeah, Jeremiah Watkins.

[1173] Yeah, Watkins, sorry, I said Watson.

[1174] Jeremiah, I used to do it after shows, but the better way to do it is to do the whole show this way.

[1175] We just yell out.

[1176] like the audience yells out subjects because you don't have any preparation whatsoever the audience yells out subjects and in yelling out subjects you just out of no way maybe a subject you never even thought about you'll just start talking about that subject and try to create comedy and under the gun with a bunch of people watching a lot of times shit just comes up right like that show set list is fun like that and they give you the ideas but it's different in that it's not a bunch of comics to come up with these wacky things orangutan pineapples what orangutang pineapple No, it's fucking the audience.

[1177] It's the audience, which comes up with the dumbest ideas that are the easiest to play off of...

[1178] Sometimes.

[1179] Yeah, like, whenever you see, like, whenever they'd be an improv group.

[1180] Sucking dick!

[1181] Oh, you know what?

[1182] Who said sucking dick?

[1183] That was three nights ago.

[1184] I just heard Suckin' Dick from the audience.

[1185] No, remember, always improv troops, they go, okay, give us a word.

[1186] And it was always the first word, it was always someone in the audience.

[1187] Dildo!

[1188] It was always like, now I found the level of the crowd.

[1189] No, what?

[1190] Genre of film.

[1191] Everybody always says porn.

[1192] Who says silent movies.

[1193] They all say porn.

[1194] And if they do say silent movies, you know, every fucking 45th show, you abandon the porn reference.

[1195] You go, silent movies.

[1196] Okay, we'll see if we can come up with.

[1197] Bitch, you got that shit memorized.

[1198] Here's a silent porn.

[1199] You know, those guys that used to work the crowd, that was a big thing.

[1200] Like, guys who worked the crowd, they would ask the crowd things.

[1201] People would go, this guy just coming up with this on the fly.

[1202] And then you watch him three nights in a row.

[1203] He's coming up with the same shit on the fly over and over again.

[1204] He's seeing people that have touched themselves that aren't touching themselves.

[1205] He's just, it's not really...

[1206] Oh, when I said this.

[1207] This guy did this.

[1208] No, he didn't.

[1209] No, he didn't.

[1210] I'm watching for backstage.

[1211] It's a fake ad -libbing, you fuck head.

[1212] It's like the worst dirty trick of all time.

[1213] My first tour for David Tribble, my first, like, road tour doing these Tribal gigs, I worked with a Matt, fuck, I can't remember his goddamn name now.

[1214] He was a Denver comic, but he did crowd rap, and it was kind of, he knew was coming, but he'd go, what do you do?

[1215] The last gig in Price, Utah, he's like, what do you do?

[1216] Like, the whole tour he was getting, I'm a pipe fitter, I'm a meat rapper, and I'm like, how are you getting this?

[1217] He was getting so fucking lucky with the easiest.

[1218] So we play Price, Utah, which is a mining town.

[1219] What do you do?

[1220] I work in the mine, and he had whatever.

[1221] Four or five people, he said, what do you do?

[1222] I work in the mine.

[1223] Work in the mine and I'm like finally You got Now you're on the fucking spot You're gonna have to come up with some shit Because everyone He's like Does anyone here not work in the mine And a girl raised her hand He said what do you do I work at the come and go I'm like Oh you fucking get lucky Every goddamn time You were all in And you caught that on the river Oh come and go Whoever came out with that fucking I thought that was a joke The first time I ever saw that shit It was in Colorado Springs.

[1224] I stopped my car because I didn't believe it was real.

[1225] I stopped my car and went, wait, that's the gas station.

[1226] It's called Come and Go with a K, like some sort of a wacky fucking whorehouse.

[1227] Clancy Night with a K on Tuesday at the fucking The Clam House with a K. The Common Go is the number one fucking bit on the menu at the Clam House.

[1228] It's when you just suck your dick.

[1229] No one says a word.

[1230] They push you in.

[1231] She just sucks your dick and you go.

[1232] That's the come and go at the clam house with a K. Tuesday night's comedy night with a K. Cocktail.

[1233] Cocktail time.

[1234] Do you remember those places that we have comedy night with a K?

[1235] Hang on, I'm drinking Camtachavodka with a K. Is that good?

[1236] That's a little plug.

[1237] What is it?

[1238] Shitty vodka.

[1239] Who's that ours or yours?

[1240] Did you bring that?

[1241] I brought that.

[1242] What is it?

[1243] I don't fucking cum, not barren gifts.

[1244] What is Cam Chaka vodka?

[1245] You know what?

[1246] I'd step all over my closer if I've told you.

[1247] You know, I get you.

[1248] You know, they did this thing where they took vodka and they put it through one of those Brita water filters.

[1249] Tried it.

[1250] He heard the trick.

[1251] Tried it.

[1252] We did, you know, straight vodka taste tests.

[1253] It didn't work for shit.

[1254] They said you do it.

[1255] Four or five times through a...

[1256] It's all the same shit.

[1257] It's all the same shit.

[1258] Years ago in San Francisco, you've been.

[1259] remember the punchline they'd put you at the Commodore Hotel?

[1260] Yeah, with the red room downstairs.

[1261] I would always...

[1262] Oh, yes.

[1263] I was in the easy, like, Sunday morning suite.

[1264] Is that Commodore really okay?

[1265] I had like a, remember the staff used to party, man. I had a bunch, I had like eight people back in my hotel room and everyone drank until the wee hours.

[1266] Were you banging the whole staff?

[1267] No, no, no, no. Bring them back there.

[1268] But I remember waking up and there was like, I was completely hung over and I wanted to make some coffee, and there was, I thought it was a cup full of water and I put it in the coffee machine.

[1269] And it was vodka and coffee.

[1270] And I thought, hey, this might be the new Resey's peanut butter cup.

[1271] The commercial guy's walking with the chocolate, and he bumps into the guy with the...

[1272] So I took a couple of sips of it, and it is definitely not the new Rese's spirit.

[1273] You know where they fucked up with that commercial?

[1274] They fucked up with that Ries commercial, because if you take some chocolate and you dip it into peanut butter, it tastes way fucking better than Riesies.

[1275] That's where they fucked up.

[1276] Because chocolate and peanut butter is really delicious.

[1277] But when you eat Riesies, you go, ah, shouldn't have fucking eat it.

[1278] that.

[1279] Yeah, Reese's is pretty bland and tastes.

[1280] Yeah, Brian brought me some salt sugar.

[1281] Dark chocolate bars.

[1282] And we had them in the fridge, and I don't want to eat chocolate, but there was nothing to eat.

[1283] And I had bought some pineapple off the street, fresh pineapple with a square of frozen dark chocolate.

[1284] Oh, my God, it was good.

[1285] Dark chocolate is actually good for you.

[1286] It has a very high Orock value.

[1287] Is that why I feel so healthy right now?

[1288] Yeah.

[1289] It's high in antioxidants.

[1290] It's really good for you.

[1291] I don't like chocolate, but I've had chocolate in Europe that was just orgasm.

[1292] From the first bite, you're like, God damn, this is the best thing ever.

[1293] You ever go to Girideli Square?

[1294] Yeah, yeah, those are delicious.

[1295] Giridelli is like they used to have a real chocolate factory right there in San Francisco.

[1296] And it was right down the street from the old cobs, the 150 seat cobs.

[1297] Did you ever work that cobs?

[1298] No. I did all the time when I lived there.

[1299] I love that room.

[1300] One of the greatest all -time comedy clubs ever.

[1301] It's a fucking tragedy when they moved out of that place to the big place.

[1302] Tom Sawyer.

[1303] Fucking great, great club.

[1304] I mean, it was 150 seats and tight.

[1305] Today's Tom Sawyer.

[1306] Small, small, fucking room.

[1307] He's a serious comedy fan that dude.

[1308] Tom Sawyer loves comedy, man. I was playing the Purple Onion, like a 60 -seater, when you were playing Cobbs, the new big room.

[1309] And we came down to see you.

[1310] They just, the Purple Onion is now like an Italian restaurant.

[1311] It was always upstairs, but I came down to see Rogan.

[1312] I'm playing a 60 -seater.

[1313] He's playing an 18 ,000 -seater at Cobbs Comedy Club, whatever.

[1314] It's a big fucking airplane hanger.

[1315] 4 -50.

[1316] Then we hunt.

[1317] hung out with you afterwards, it's like 2 .30 in the morning.

[1318] It's, they threw everyone out.

[1319] It's a staff party, and someone had blow.

[1320] Then I'm going, I'm supposed to go do a live remote for a car show.

[1321] Like a good morning, San Francisco TV, live from a car show on Saturday morning.

[1322] I go, I'm not going to fucking make it.

[1323] I'm just, I just did lines.

[1324] It's 2 .30.

[1325] So I got one of the local comics, uh, Jason fuck, don't let me forget your name.

[1326] I go, listen, will you go to the show as me?

[1327] That's right.

[1328] The man's show is about to come out.

[1329] Red Band has footage of this.

[1330] Oh, that's right.

[1331] I go, go down to the car show as me. I'm delineating my small amount of authority to a local guy that I know will do it.

[1332] He's like 10 years younger than me, 8 inches taller than me, but I still let him come by my room and get my overcoat and my fucking, you know, knit wool cap that's funny as my outfit and I have footage I have my own footage Red Band has footage It was on television It made it's television Yeah he went down And the whole graphic on the Chiron on the bottom Man show host Doug Stanhope And he's just doing This straight interview As me You got it That's beautiful Car with a hot comedian Doug Sandho Sketchfest San Francisco Standing by To give us some insights It's an interface between They did their fucking homework.

[1333] Oh, yes.

[1334] This is a new thing I'm very fascinated with.

[1335] It's at MySpace .com.

[1336] We're going to be talking all about it coming up on Crom.

[1337] That's how much.

[1338] Oh, my God.

[1339] There's nothing like me. That hurts my feelings.

[1340] It hurts me. How dumb that guy is.

[1341] I wasn't good at Photoshop back then.

[1342] Oh, this is.

[1343] We're at the Cow Palace where the Pustle and Rod and Pus, I can never remember, and motorcycle was taking place through tomorrow.

[1344] Another event that's taking place this weekend.

[1345] Actually, for next week or a half, is Sketch Fest in San Francisco.

[1346] He's even dressed like you.

[1347] I gave him my clothes.

[1348] This guy's the worst.

[1349] Don't stand hope being one of those comedians.

[1350] And by the way, I'm taking my career in my hands here.

[1351] I'm taking my career in my hands.

[1352] Yeah, yeah, but it's all good fun.

[1353] It's fun.

[1354] And it's, it's, uh, the morning right now, so we want to take advantage.

[1355] That's right.

[1356] And he understands the.

[1357] Oh, my God, it doesn't need to hear so.

[1358] Actually, I feel more sorry for him marriage than the job.

[1359] So, before we start talking about the internet.

[1360] It doesn't go anywhere.

[1361] For the listeners at home.

[1362] That's hilarious.

[1363] It doesn't need to.

[1364] That guy is comedy.

[1365] The guy in the tan jacket, he's comedy.

[1366] Well, I'm a walking shot.

[1367] That's pretty ambitious for a morning show.

[1368] Well, you know what?

[1369] They like to mix it up, Tom.

[1370] They like to get artistic.

[1371] I did a morning show in San Francisco years ago, and I was hung over as fuck.

[1372] And they go, would you mind uh we have you had to say was morning we know you were hung over we have to do this uh cover this fencing exhibit or some event or something so i had to go down to this fencing place they filmed it and like you know would you mind doing comedian tom roads and like i've got the fencing outfit on and the mask it's like i didn't need to be there it could have been anybody anyone i'm gonna have to stand it i'm fucking i'm still drunk and i'm now i have to fence somebody so i can get like an extra three people in the fucking show you had brennan Walsh did that for me when I was Andy threw a party at the bar that they filmed Animal House, the Otis Day and the night scene mind if we dance with your dates right?

[1373] Remember that set?

[1374] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1375] So there's a, that bar still exists and there's a campsite out in the way back of Oregon near there.

[1376] So we had this party out, this campsite and we, and I can't get cell phone reception and I'm playing Seattle.

[1377] So I had Brendan Walsh, I couldn't do a phoneer to promote my show.

[1378] So we went into town to that bar.

[1379] I called Walsh.

[1380] I go, hey, will you do this phoneer in Seattle as me?

[1381] And it's a show I've been on before.

[1382] So yeah, sure, I'll do it.

[1383] So he did it.

[1384] And they're like, well, you don't sound like yourself.

[1385] But they went through and Brendan Walsh did a whole interview as me. Do you say he was sick or something?

[1386] I have no idea what he said, but his bullshit was strong.

[1387] That's fucking funny.

[1388] Tom Rhodes, don't piss in the sink.

[1389] That's not the bathroom.

[1390] Yeah, that's not the bathroom.

[1391] He's in there throwing out.

[1392] I've done that a lot.

[1393] Have you?

[1394] Bingo has caught me so many times trying to go into the closet in a hotel room to take a piss that you go, well, that's the amount of times you've woken up and found me. How many times have I pissed all over my own shit?

[1395] I never knew about it.

[1396] I'm trying to remember.

[1397] I do it all the time.

[1398] It's the humidity, I guess.

[1399] I'm trying to remember who told me this story, but somebody opened up their drawer and they pissed on their sock drawer.

[1400] They opened up, they went to their dresser, and they pulled.

[1401] pulled their sock drawer open and they just pissed in there.

[1402] And I'm like, how the fuck did you think your sock drawer was the toilet?

[1403] I've been, I'm sure you've done this, I've peed in the corner of a lot of hotel ropes.

[1404] That's what we're talking about.

[1405] We saw you go through the wrong door thinking you thought you were going to the piss.

[1406] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you peed in the corner of a lot of hotel rooms?

[1407] Not a few of them just being plastered, like, you know, I was finding it or thought I was there.

[1408] How many times bingoes caught me doing that versus how many times she didn't wake up that I did that and didn't know I did that?

[1409] That's those extra two shots.

[1410] Where your brain says it's over, Doug stand open.

[1411] You say, the fuck it is.

[1412] I was plastered in Ireland years ago, and I went out the room door.

[1413] I thought I was going to, I was just drunk and half awake.

[1414] I just needed to pee, and I'm in the fucking hallway naked, and I was banging on the door.

[1415] My girlfriend got come.

[1416] What the fuck are you doing out there?

[1417] Hennigan did that.

[1418] Open the motherfucking door.

[1419] We already have this on a podcast.

[1420] Henigan did that, right there, my manager, and Henry Phillips both have stories walking out, thinking they're going into the bathroom walking out naked and the door shuts behind them and they're both naked in the fucking hallway going.

[1421] And then you instantly become John Ritter.

[1422] I haven't been.

[1423] There's no way that's not comedy.

[1424] You know what you're going to go to the desk.

[1425] Hey.

[1426] How many people have never got?

[1427] No, I don't have identification.

[1428] If you do like a 20 year bid in a hotel, you're working in a hotel for 20 years.

[1429] Some of dudes coming down naked.

[1430] How many dudes come down naked during your entire career holding their cock and balls is going?

[1431] I know you're not going to say it that hotel.

[1432] That's what happened to Brian.

[1433] He went into like a locker, a housekeeping door that was open, grabbed a sheet or whatever, put it over his dick.

[1434] I walked down to the hotel and they just gave him a key.

[1435] They didn't say ID or anything.

[1436] One good thing about being old is people don't question your intentions.

[1437] Well, I also think that I really think it's way more common.

[1438] Get the naked old guy out of the lobby as quick as possible.

[1439] It's way more common than we want to admit, especially if people are drinking booze.

[1440] People are drinking booze.

[1441] I think they're pissing in the hallway.

[1442] They're walking outside.

[1443] They're getting...

[1444] People get so drunk...

[1445] I mean, how many people have been around that have gotten so drunk?

[1446] They don't know what the fuck they're doing.

[1447] I mean, how many people?

[1448] Six stitches.

[1449] We're not unique.

[1450] We're not unique.

[1451] You know, you add us, connect us all to all the fucking people are out there in the world that are drinking.

[1452] There's a lot of people walking down that hall with a dick in their hand going, shit.

[1453] They hear that kachunk.

[1454] That's the thing.

[1455] You got to walk to the front desk with confidence.

[1456] Yeah.

[1457] You know?

[1458] We just got to have one hand on your dick.

[1459] And the other hand, like, just casually explaining your story, you know, this, man, you know, give a towel.

[1460] Take your shirt off.

[1461] My only problem at that drunk would be over -explaining it.

[1462] I'd be going, listen, I went to this bar.

[1463] It was 7 o 'clock I hadn't eaten.

[1464] Or letting him suck your dick just to make the story way over the top.

[1465] I've never got the front desk to suck my dick, but I'm not Joe Rogan.

[1466] But could you imagine if you went to the front disc and a man was like, look, I'll give you the key, but I want to suck your dick.

[1467] you might let him at least put his dick in your mouth so you could tell people about it.

[1468] You would think about it.

[1469] This is the most ridiculous thing.

[1470] I'm not saying you, Tom Rhodes.

[1471] I'm saying Doug, I can see Doug Stanhope letting a man. You'd let a guy blow you at the front desk.

[1472] Not blow him.

[1473] I can see myself saying, all right, you suck my dick as a pre -check because I was going to call a hooker, but if I can't get it up, if I do this, do some diagnostics on my penis before I waste $350.

[1474] on Aeros Guide.

[1475] Do some diagnostics?

[1476] Are you plugged in, sir?

[1477] Do you have the updated software?

[1478] Yeah, you would do it just for the story.

[1479] Just for a late.

[1480] There's a time of my life, yeah.

[1481] Between you and Tom Rhodes.

[1482] Tom Rhodes, you wouldn't go there.

[1483] I'm playing the U .K. I have none of my material work.

[1484] But getting blown in a hotel hallway by a front desk, man. That's universal.

[1485] Do it.

[1486] Well, there's the other thing.

[1487] Like, the UK, they demand a new show every year, right?

[1488] They want you to have, like, a show.

[1489] Like, this is the, you know, the end of the world show.

[1490] Well, in the U .K., they all do their shows kind of like plays, where they title it.

[1491] It has a beginning and an end and a through line.

[1492] What's not about?

[1493] Well, I'm doing the Edinburgh Festival this year.

[1494] I've never done it.

[1495] Are you going to succumb to that peer pressure where...

[1496] I've just always wanted to do it.

[1497] But, I mean, are you going to just do an hour?

[1498] I'm going to do what I do.

[1499] No, I'm not going to talk about my dad.

[1500] You're not going to make it all make sense.

[1501] Well, wait, hold on.

[1502] No, no sad.

[1503] A lot of guys, they have a beginning, the middle, and end.

[1504] That's...

[1505] No, over there, I never did.

[1506] But those guys do.

[1507] They have a themed show.

[1508] Jim Jeffrey's head.

[1509] I can't remember the name.

[1510] But, yeah, it was about...

[1511] He takes this subject, and it can vary, but...

[1512] There's a through line and an arc, and then there's supposed to be a tidy ending.

[1513] It's about a...

[1514] I've done a bunch of shows.

[1515] It's a fucking play.

[1516] That's a fucking play.

[1517] And plays suck.

[1518] Yeah, I'm not into that.

[1519] I'm not beginning.

[1520] Going out and pounding people with jokes.

[1521] I'm not ending the same way every night.

[1522] I'm not beginning the same way every night.

[1523] There's not going to be the same middle.

[1524] That's ridiculous.

[1525] You don't have to do it that way.

[1526] No, no, you don't.

[1527] But they, again, the same way we have three comics, any comedy club you go into, there's an opener, a opener, a feature, which I'm plugging this everywhere.

[1528] Stop saying feature.

[1529] It confuses the audience.

[1530] Just say your next act and then your headliner.

[1531] The middle act.

[1532] Yeah, just say the next act.

[1533] But if you say I'm middling for something.

[1534] stay in hope.

[1535] That's what you're really doing.

[1536] You're middling.

[1537] But when you announce it to an audience, a feature, they think is a headliner.

[1538] They don't know the difference.

[1539] Well, not only that, it's gross, because you know what you're doing.

[1540] It's the same exact spot.

[1541] You're doing the same exact thing.

[1542] You're trying to pretend it's more prestigious by calling on a feature.

[1543] That's stupid.

[1544] But a feature would sound like a headliner to a pedestrian audience who doesn't know.

[1545] You always did.

[1546] It wasn't a thing that anybody ever used in the East Coast.

[1547] That was a thing that you would only use in the road for whatever reason guys would use.

[1548] No, the East Coast nobody ever used feature.

[1549] In the UK, they tend to do that.

[1550] They have a themed show.

[1551] They have a, you know, this is what it's called.

[1552] They have opening acts?

[1553] Not at Edinburgh, no. No, you go out, you perform your show.

[1554] At some point, I go, I don't, these rules don't apply to me. Yeah, I'm going to bring fucking Henry Phillips over.

[1555] Right, but in clubs in England, usually a lot of times the best comedians, the host, opens a 20.

[1556] The whole show is his thing.

[1557] That's a rule.

[1558] I don't know why in America, we put.

[1559] on like open micers who have no experience and they don't know how to run a show.

[1560] It's great when in England like a show's great from the start because you got and usually he's getting paid the most and everyone else does 20 minute sets and this guy it's like he's presenting.

[1561] He's David Letterman we used to do that in Boston but that was the thing in Boston it would be like tonight is the Don Gavin show and Friends.

[1562] Yeah yeah yeah yeah Steve Sweeney and Friends Kevin Knox and Friends they did that all the time.

[1563] Well we need to change the point in the the fucking open micer out there first.

[1564] Because every people know the first guy's going to suck here.

[1565] What are you saying we can change?

[1566] Why are you saying we can change?

[1567] If anybody can fucking do whatever the fuck they want, it's you too.

[1568] You could both do whatever the fuck you want.

[1569] And all the comment, yeah, I'm talking about the United States, right.

[1570] I'm talking about the club format.

[1571] Zigsogs in Springfield, Missouri.

[1572] Right, right, right.

[1573] But do you do it?

[1574] I don't do it.

[1575] I don't go out first and host the show.

[1576] I'm talking about people who are still in comedy clubs where people are going to to see comedy and not the comics So they still think they have to put three up I fucking Plow through I said this on fucking Burt Kreischer's podcast So I don't want to repeat Oh I see what I'm like one conversation But yes If you don't have a great Horde of comics Don't just put up a guy that's shitty Because you think you need three Right but don't you think that the only way We ever get really Better at comedy All of us is everybody needs to be thrown to the wolves.

[1577] There's got to be a trial by fire.

[1578] I think if you see a guy who's got any talent at all.

[1579] Well, that's what open mic nights are for.

[1580] But sometimes, like, the fucking owner will go up and do 10 because you don't have a third comic.

[1581] You don't need three.

[1582] You're totally right.

[1583] But when I used to take guys on the road with me for the Diaz security spot, those guys like Duncan and Ari, both those guys, when I started taking them on the road with me, were essentially open micers.

[1584] They really didn't work professionally very much.

[1585] so we weren't making money off of it, but I knew that they had potential.

[1586] So I figured if they could go on stage and break the crowd in, like you go out to a cold crowd every night, a packed crowd that paid money, and you're used to doing it with a mic night's fucking great.

[1587] It's great for them, and they both, it worked for me, worked for a lot of people.

[1588] Right, but those guys have personalities that people love from hearing them on your show.

[1589] That's different.

[1590] Before that regular.

[1591] No, no, no, no. This is way before that.

[1592] Okay.

[1593] This was like in the 2000s, 2000s, I was taking those guys in the road with me when they were first starting out there was no podcast back then I didn't have any internet presence at all there was nothing every show was just you do radio you go to town do local radio there I had nothing I had a message board that was like pretty popular but you know I mean what does that mean like 10 ,000 members or something like that the whole country you can't like fill a crowd at a comedy club something like that so it was all people that knew me most likely from TV and Duncan would go up first and just it's And by doing that, it's like strength training.

[1594] It's like running up hills.

[1595] You know, you just develop the ability to get out of the gate strong.

[1596] And I watched them all, like, sort of, like, morph in that sense.

[1597] So I see what you're saying.

[1598] Like, it is the best way to do it to have a guy like the Tom Rhodes and Friends show.

[1599] And you go out.

[1600] So from the moment, they go at the very least, Tom Rhodes's coming back.

[1601] No, I like going on at the end with a big, fat hour piece of cake.

[1602] But you can do that.

[1603] Move the middle guy to the front.

[1604] And put the shitty guy in the middle.

[1605] You're not going to have an opener at the fringe festival, are you?

[1606] Oh, no, no, no, just me for an hour.

[1607] But the problem is the middle guy.

[1608] No, we're talking.

[1609] If the middle guy is a shitty guy, he's just going to get buried.

[1610] There's a big difference between getting buried by, like, if you have Diaz, and then after Diaz, you have a guy who's just starting out.

[1611] You did that with me. It's hard.

[1612] We did it with you.

[1613] But that was not planned.

[1614] Yeah, that was fun, too.

[1615] Yeah.

[1616] I mean, we did it for fun.

[1617] But Joey also knows you.

[1618] He loves you.

[1619] He throws you on stage.

[1620] He gives you a great introduction.

[1621] And everybody knows that Joey's coming back.

[1622] But there is, that's also part of being a great host is not front loading the whole shit where you're, you don't open with your clothes or then bring out the fucking weak need guy.

[1623] Definitely.

[1624] You ramp it up and then you're going to come back and then you make it a little stronger and you know how to do the show.

[1625] That's the technician.

[1626] That's the guy.

[1627] That's your manager of the fucking show.

[1628] But there's some guys that are really.

[1629] good.

[1630] They're really funny, but they still need to be baby fucked.

[1631] There's some guys that you just can't have someone too strong going before him.

[1632] There's just some guys.

[1633] They have a great style.

[1634] They have a great...

[1635] The famous Mitch Hedberg incidents that happened all across the country, were all the wrong setup.

[1636] Some guy would go up.

[1637] He was the wrong middle act.

[1638] He would go up.

[1639] He would crush and then Hedberg couldn't follow him.

[1640] And no one could ever say that Hedberg was a brilliant.

[1641] But Hedberg was a shitty comic.

[1642] He was a shitty MC.

[1643] He was a...

[1644] emceeing the first time I met him I was the middle act and he'd go up with his jokes he has he had no yeah hey how's everyone doing it not whatsoever what are you drinking there and it would have a birthday he like no skill right junior stopka who i use now like i'll fucking i'd make brian henigan my manager or chaley go up and just say anything if there was no opening act just so junior didn't have to go up cold because he's got nothing other than his jokes he has no right he doesn't have interpersonal skills as a friend.

[1645] I don't know if you necessarily need those if your jokes are strong.

[1646] You don't necessarily need those.

[1647] It's awkward at first, but, you know, after a few seconds Well, we played a lot of fucked -up venues where you kind of have to address awkward situations and yeah, you need that guy.

[1648] So even just my tour manager going up going, hey, everyone doing great, okay, turn off your cell phone, just announcements and then bring him up.

[1649] That makes sense.

[1650] Just get people focused.

[1651] That's a good move.

[1652] That's a very good move.

[1653] But yeah, there's some people that are not going to be good MCs.

[1654] Well, there's some guys that never respond to anything that happens in the audience.

[1655] They do not deviate from the rap guys.

[1656] MC has an actual fucking meaning in our world.

[1657] Oh, go ahead.

[1658] Wow, what are you trying to say?

[1659] I'm trying to be the Donald Sterling comedy.

[1660] Dude, don't start a rap war on my show.

[1661] If you want to go on your fucking all things comedy and start a rap war, some East Coast West Coast type shit, you go right ahead.

[1662] I'm not about that, Doug Stanley.

[1663] Man, Hope.

[1664] Death Squad versus ATC.

[1665] What is ATC?

[1666] Oh, shit.

[1667] All things comedy.

[1668] Jesus.

[1669] Get an acronym.

[1670] I just wanted to make sure I was right.

[1671] Comedy.

[1672] You remember when you were starting out and you never had a fucking inkling of the idea of having a career?

[1673] Having a career of comedy is just like a...

[1674] When you get those emails, they're the saddest emails, well, listen, I've been thinking about doing comedy but like how do I get paid if that's how you're getting into comedy you're fucked yeah that's the first way when like opening acts ask you or open mic guys the same thing you know when can I expect to be paid from this that's a pretty good guy but the guys before they've ever stepped on a stage going like how am I going to get an agent out of this what you're supposed to want to get pussy out of this that's why you get to open mic you want to impress the next funniest guy who's not funny that's your first goal yeah the first time you make the back of the room laugh it's the first time you feel like holy shit I might be a comedian I heard some comics laugh yeah like you remember the first time when you were in open mic here you heard a pro laugh at something you said and you're like holy shit I made a real comedian laugh I didn't just make the audience laugh I think when we were starting out though you know you started out in what 90 yeah it's 88 84 baby you know it was just like a dream of of being able to get paid to do comedy but the idea of a career or or like the first time i got paid it was either 10 or 15 dollars and then i called my brother i go i'm technically a professional now because i just got paid and he goes does that mean you get to take off the protective headgear well i've always said that you know the toughest thing about being a comedian is keeping a straight face when they pay you.

[1675] Right.

[1676] Like, wow, you just gave me money for this?

[1677] Yeah, no, I've come to grips with the fact that I have a scam for a living, and I've had no tough life, and there's no way I should get paid for this.

[1678] But, like, when I did fraud telemarketing before this, you go, hey, if you don't fuck him over, someone else will.

[1679] The first time I ever got paid, I worked for a guy named Warren McDonald.

[1680] Warren McDonald had a brother that was, he would do, the...

[1681] No. He would run the open mic night.

[1682] Good guy.

[1683] Oh, I forget his fucking name.

[1684] I want to say Bill.

[1685] Anyway, he was the guy who ran the open mic night and I worked for him and we used to do these Norm LaFoe gigs in the middle of fucking nowhere.

[1686] Did you ever do a No, no, I never worked back east.

[1687] You never worked back east at all?

[1688] No, I started in Vegas.

[1689] But you lived in Worcester.

[1690] Like, you went back and did gigs there, right?

[1691] I went back once and was it stitches?

[1692] Yeah.

[1693] Which year is that?

[1694] Once open mic era, so the first six months or year, I ate shit, I sucked.

[1695] So, 91, that was probably 90, 91.

[1696] Yeah.

[1697] I was still there.

[1698] I still there, I think it was still there until 91 or 92.

[1699] Back visiting, I thought, oh, I'm doing open mic.

[1700] Do you remember what street it was on?

[1701] Was it a bigger stitches, or was it the really tiny place that was next to the paradise?

[1702] Commonwealth.

[1703] Oh, okay.

[1704] That's right.

[1705] That is, you Yeah, Commonwealth Fassaturated, old fossilized brain cell that just came out and told you a street.

[1706] Yeah, no, that's it, Commonwealth F. I wanted it with the Paradise, the Paradise, Boston.

[1707] I was on Bill Burr's, uh, well, you're Massachusetts.

[1708] Yeah.

[1709] I mentioned Zarex.

[1710] Do you remember Zarex?

[1711] Zarex.

[1712] It was a syrup that you'd pour into water as a kid, like Tang, but it was a syrup with a zebra on the front.

[1713] He's like, yeah, yeah.

[1714] Hey, Zarex, was there a zebra?

[1715] And then, just like that fucking Commonwealth brain cell, he sang the theme song from Zarex like he was speaking in tongues.

[1716] He didn't know what I meant at first.

[1717] And he goes, wait, a zebra.

[1718] And then he burst into song and had the theme song, which I didn't even know.

[1719] You went to the real stitches, if you went to Commonwealth Ave. You went to the original stitches, which was next to the paradise.

[1720] The Paradise was a rock club Like this really small rock club You're trying to engrandize a rape scene for me I died so miserably But you got raped in a really historical place You did No I died It was the most miserable fucking experience Of my early comedy career You took it right in your dickhole At a really important place They fucking hated me Zarex It's back in production now They started making Zarex again What is Zarex?

[1721] It's like that Like I said it's stuff you put in, like, drink.

[1722] It's kind of like that stuff where you put it in one little drop into water and it turns it into fruit punch.

[1723] They looked it up.

[1724] Like tang.

[1725] It's sort of a tang rip -off.

[1726] Yeah.

[1727] That spot was amazing.

[1728] That little stitches.

[1729] That little stitches was the little dark room.

[1730] It was amazing unless you were a young mullet -haired kid and your brother came to see you for the first time and you ate shit in front of everyone.

[1731] I did my first set ever there.

[1732] How'd you do?

[1733] That wasn't that good.

[1734] I got me honest with you.

[1735] Your first set wasn't good?

[1736] Pretty fucking terrible.

[1737] We were talking about this.

[1738] I don't know if it was Burr or Chrysher, but that would be a great set list show, kind of themed show, is Breakout Your First Notebooks.

[1739] Oh, wow, that'd be great.

[1740] I wish I still had them.

[1741] I would love to do that.

[1742] It was embarrassing.

[1743] I have them.

[1744] I got mine, too.

[1745] Really?

[1746] My first one, I wrote out my name.

[1747] I wrote out, Hi, my name is Doug Stanhope.

[1748] I wrote every fucking word out.

[1749] I have it.

[1750] Did you ever practice on a tape recorder before you actually did comedy?

[1751] I don't remember doing that.

[1752] My dad had one of those tape recorder things.

[1753] I would try and do, like, record funny things.

[1754] You know, we had to push down with two fingers.

[1755] Yeah, yeah.

[1756] No, like the cassette thing.

[1757] Yeah, record and play at the same time.

[1758] Office guys did dictation or whatever to those things.

[1759] Yep, I had the exact same thing.

[1760] I tried to make silly, you know, little radio shows.

[1761] I didn't try to do that, but I tried to do stand -up in it.

[1762] I would try to do my own version of stand -up as if I was talking to a crowd.

[1763] And then I, like, play it to a couple of my friends.

[1764] You think this is funny?

[1765] None of them thought it was funny.

[1766] They all had the same look.

[1767] Like, oh, my God, what are you doing?

[1768] Like, if you're a white guy, I want to try boxing.

[1769] They're like, oh, yeah, man. You're going to fucking kick everybody's ass, bro.

[1770] Like, there was this sense of, like, sadness.

[1771] And they listen to your comedy.

[1772] Like, you're fucking, you're never going to make it.

[1773] Like, it's terrible.

[1774] But open mic, when you're first starting, you're throwing anything against the wall that would work, you know?

[1775] Well, you...

[1776] Yeah.

[1777] I always break it down to two...

[1778] There's two very distinct things.

[1779] in the beginning of your comedy.

[1780] And the first stage is you do anything to try to get a laugh.

[1781] Shit, you don't think it's funny.

[1782] It's just tools.

[1783] They're just hammers and screwdrivers and just hoping to get something that works.

[1784] Sea Monkeys was a phrase.

[1785] I thought that was funny.

[1786] Yeah, that's a funny thing, and I built anything around it where I turned it into a sexually transmitted disease eventually.

[1787] But I just wanted to say sea monkeys because I thought that was funny.

[1788] It's a funny word.

[1789] Yeah, there was a bunch of those.

[1790] I used to say spatula.

[1791] I had a, uh, I used a prop on my first open mic and, uh, I didn't realize it was racist.

[1792] It was racist?

[1793] It was racist?

[1794] Well, I had, like, drawn, uh, with a cross burning on it.

[1795] I made, I made it was a monkey with a fucking jockey outfit on in a basketball uniform.

[1796] His hat on backwards.

[1797] With a boombox to the shoulder.

[1798] No idea.

[1799] I had no idea.

[1800] He was picking cotton.

[1801] He was a, he had chains.

[1802] It was a punching nun picking cotton and blackface.

[1803] It's chained to a plantation stare.

[1804] It was open, like, nature.

[1805] Sorry.

[1806] He was robbing a white man. Hey, ma 'amba.

[1807] He was talking like Fat Albert's friend with a hat over his face.

[1808] Aubidaboo.

[1809] I had no idea.

[1810] It was racist.

[1811] By the way, I'm white.

[1812] And I'm not racist at all.

[1813] I'm super respectful of black people.

[1814] I'm sorry.

[1815] What were you saying?

[1816] Oh, nothing.

[1817] Something wasn't racist I made it in art class I started when I was 17 I made one of those high school One of those This is a black -faced Mr. Bill With a giant dick Where all the white women at?

[1818] All the white women were climbing on it While he was eating a piece of chicken There's no reason it should have taken this long To get to this quick story I'm fucking crying over here I had a welfare check second He has his back pocket and I have no idea.

[1819] Why anybody would think that shit was racist?

[1820] It had bell bottoms on it in an Afro.

[1821] It's fucking...

[1822] Watermelons delicious.

[1823] I don't know what the problem is.

[1824] So right.

[1825] Why is everybody so uppity?

[1826] He had big lips around his penis.

[1827] Is your re -thru?

[1828] Yep.

[1829] Hib -da -o -o -d -oh.

[1830] Sorry.

[1831] All right.

[1832] Sorry.

[1833] I had to make it one.

[1834] I had to make it on funny.

[1835] Something happened?

[1836] Sorry.

[1837] Uh, nothing.

[1838] It's a black guy, something.

[1839] Joe, just try a cigarette.

[1840] One cigarette while I've done it before.

[1841] I've did it with you.

[1842] Come on, I really, I want to hear this story.

[1843] Fuck it, I ain't even telling it.

[1844] It was like a secret that I never would have fucking told anybody, and you guys clowned on it.

[1845] So fuck that, I ain't telling you.

[1846] Except on the internet.

[1847] Yeah.

[1848] That's ridiculous.

[1849] You guys go off with you.

[1850] Please.

[1851] Oh, my God.

[1852] Watermelon and your, what was your racist thing?

[1853] I'll tell you my first.

[1854] I was a kid.

[1855] I didn't, you know, whatever.

[1856] I didn't know any better.

[1857] I was trying, you know, you're trying to be funny.

[1858] And, uh, I don't know.

[1859] I, you know, I wasn't, I made an art class, uh, one of those street signs that's a school cross crossing.

[1860] And like, I made it.

[1861] You know, with, like, black markers and I made it.

[1862] And like, and I, like, and I, like, yellow poster board.

[1863] I cut it the size, the shape of the fucking school crossings.

[1864] And I said, come on.

[1865] When was the last time you saw two ballheaded black kids walk into school?

[1866] Carrying and Bucks I don't get it I was 17 I was an idiot But I mean Why is it Wait wait So it was Just when did you When would you ever see Two ball with a black kids The sign had No it's the regular street sign Okay Yeah what You know a school crossing sign Right That I recreated that exact thing In art class It's black kids It was stupid I was 17 You know it's way more racist Is the fucking I opened up I didn't get it The signs you get When you're in San Diego Oh those, yeah, the family running across the highway.

[1867] It's the dad and the mom and the little girl.

[1868] They're not married, by the way.

[1869] That's not even the dad.

[1870] It's the mom.

[1871] But it's funny that the little kid isn't even running.

[1872] The kid is like flying.

[1873] They're running and the mom's holding the kid's hand.

[1874] Yeah.

[1875] And the kid is like flying.

[1876] Yeah.

[1877] Because they're running so fast.

[1878] Well, that's, you're supposed to slow down because you think that they might be.

[1879] People seeking better life.

[1880] Yeah.

[1881] Be careful.

[1882] They're dangerous.

[1883] People seeking a better life.

[1884] That's a fucking weird thing, isn't it?

[1885] I mean, you're right next to it.

[1886] You're about as close as humanly possible.

[1887] Yeah, that's the only place I've ever seen in the world.

[1888] Watch out for people running across the highway.

[1889] You're a couple miles away from...

[1890] Where's bingo?

[1891] What's the name of the sign?

[1892] Everyone has, like, every third house, like a political sign where I live on the border.

[1893] Humanitarian aid is never a crime.

[1894] Because, yeah, people that are fucking decent at the border where I live, and they'll leave water out for people that have trekked across the desert and leave jugs water.

[1895] No, that's very cool.

[1896] And, yeah, you can get arrested for that.

[1897] What?

[1898] Somehow.

[1899] You can get arrested for leaving water?

[1900] I don't know how it works.

[1901] But, yeah.

[1902] Or aiding them without turning them in, or however it works.

[1903] They pass the crystal meth houses to kick in the house, the door of the house that gave water to somebody.

[1904] They don't do that where I live.

[1905] I think if you made it that far, that northern Mexico desert is so fucking just desolate.

[1906] massive.

[1907] If you made it that far to the border, you should get like a price.

[1908] It shouldn't be a contest, man. It should be like a car waiting for you.

[1909] The idea is ridiculous.

[1910] The idea that we're going to keep these people from coming over where there's jobs just because they were fucking shit out of luck.

[1911] Here's how you attack the militia man guy because they're all family people and Jesus and go hey, if your kids were fucking shitty, would you not try to make their life better by doing that?

[1912] like would as a as a father anytime you go after their kids and put it on their kids they have to wait would you not try to make your child's life better by getting to a better place if you if we really if we really believe in humans just this the concept of human beings you really believe in that humans are just a just a born bundle of potential if you're not a total complete racist where you think that you know your race is superior or you're superior because of whatever shape you are, color you are.

[1913] If you're not that, then the idea of borders and keeping people that are poor out of places where they don't have to be poor anymore because there's jobs, it's ridiculous.

[1914] It's funny how people talk about, like, all these these, you know, immigrants flooding over the border, I've been down to visit you a couple times.

[1915] And I was driving to El Paso from your place once, and there's that one small road that goes from Bisbee straight to El Paso, and it's right along the border.

[1916] And there's like army troops out there with camouflage, and then there's no people and then no towns and then you got they got a tv vehicles ATC vehicles and then they the uh the border patrol guys this guy pulled me over i'm a white guy driving a car and he goes uh i saw you were driving away from california what the i've come to visit you with florida plates what the fuck the guy it's completely ridiculous yeah yeah first of all they got that's probably drug related which has nothing to do with immigration but what you were throwing out still almost every argument boils down to overpopulation okay well these people well everyone will continue to fuck until they have some you know that's a way to look at it but the real issue isn't right now that we don't have enough resources to deal with the people that are at hand the real issue is there's people that have no access to resources there's people that they have the resources monopolized by gigantic corporations in the military industrial complex.

[1917] And there's people that live in poverty where the places where they live are some of the richest places in the fucking world.

[1918] It's more of a greed issue and a money issue and a domination issue than it even is a resource issue.

[1919] If you just took the amount of oil that's coming out of places where the people are incredibly poor and you just looked at that on the graph and said, how the fuck is this possible?

[1920] How is it possible that the place where these people were just born is just incredibly rich in natural resources?

[1921] But a company that doesn't have anything to do with that, this area as somehow or another acquired the rights to suck it out of the ground and the people that work in the factories are incredibly poor.

[1922] How is that possible?

[1923] That's nothing but cruelty.

[1924] There's nothing but people with a shit ton of money dominating people who don't have that opportunity.

[1925] It's nothing but a lack of humanity.

[1926] It's not about how many babies you have.

[1927] It's not about resources.

[1928] It's about cunts.

[1929] Yes, it is about resources because there's more people all the time and that's why we need more resources.

[1930] It is, but it's about what do they do with that money.

[1931] If they'd use that money to enrich these people, it's been proven that when you get people into an industrialized setting, you get people into a nice city, they have plumbing, their amount of children they have drops.

[1932] Like, that's one of the number one concerns about all the people that, like, believe in overpopulation.

[1933] There's another school of thought amongst, like, real scholars.

[1934] I'd say that overpopulation exists in rural areas, third world countries, a lot of different places, India, China, what have you.

[1935] But when places become stabilized and people start having careers and lives the number of children they have actually drops it drops to like every couple will have like one and a half kids or something like that you know per statistic so it's it's not that these people are everyone's fucking too much but the numbers of people keep going up so that's not good but you know what right now it's totally sustainable there's your proven statistics and then there's actual math of how many people keep appearing it is but it's not because look humans the I'm with you.

[1936] I'm with you, and I agree with you.

[1937] I agree with you to a certain extent.

[1938] If we want to go outside and count them to win a bet.

[1939] No, there's plenty of people.

[1940] There's more people than ever.

[1941] But there's always more.

[1942] There is always more.

[1943] But right now it's totally sustainable.

[1944] And what I'm saying is that in industrial situations, the numbers actually drop.

[1945] So just because there's a lot of people today, and there's 7 billion people, and next year there might be 7 .1.

[1946] So poverty is thriving.

[1947] It is currently.

[1948] But it doesn't mean that it has to stay that way.

[1949] once industrialization this is just science when it comes to population control when you industrialize an area the people have less children because when the people start getting careers they have less children so even though you might have an area that has a lot of people right now if that area improves in the quality of their infrastructure their economy all these different variables obviously I don't have a dog in this fight but once they start doing that the number of babies they have actually drops so it's a matter of in my opinion it's definitely moved into West Hollywood in 1995 in a rent control place Brian still lives there parking is way fucking harder this is not an impoverished place in West Hollywood there's more fucking people Well there's more people here But there's less people in Cleveland There's less people in Detroit Detroit is fucking half empty now Detroit you can buy a house for 500 bucks I mean California is a great spot It never rains It's fucking 80 degrees 80 degrees in February Everybody moves here because they want to be famous like Kim Kardashian.

[1950] You got me there just because I'm drinking.

[1951] Look, it makes sense.

[1952] There's definitely more people.

[1953] Like, statistically, there's way more people.

[1954] And it is a problem.

[1955] But it's not the number one problem.

[1956] The number one problem is the country, the world, all the economies, all of the fucking natural resources are controlled by cunts, by evil cunts that have shit tons of money and weapons.

[1957] That's the number one problem.

[1958] This idea that our problem is overpopulation.

[1959] if we have less people, we're going to have a fucking smooth sailing.

[1960] That's not real.

[1961] Because the people that I know are all people.

[1962] The people that I love are all people.

[1963] They started out being fucking babies, and then they became awesome.

[1964] I mean, that's all the people that I know had to start out somewhere as people.

[1965] If we want to believe that the human race can carry on and more Tom Rhodes and Doug Stanhombs and more interesting people can exist that way, someone's got to make a fucking person.

[1966] It doesn't mean that we should all, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with not doing it.

[1967] Ain't anything wrong with doing it.

[1968] But that's not our number one fucking problem.

[1969] Our number one problem is cunts that a gigantic chunk of the population is controlled by cunts.

[1970] And where do cunts come from?

[1971] Cunts come from people.

[1972] Babies.

[1973] So do comedians.

[1974] So the strippers.

[1975] Yeah, but like, you know, what you're talking about, like all your favorite movie stars.

[1976] They all came from a vagina.

[1977] But, you know, you're talking about lifting up societies.

[1978] Like, Nigeria.

[1979] Look how poor these people are.

[1980] You think these shell executive oil people would get tired of.

[1981] of getting kidnapped and their refineries getting taken hostage and they have enough security to prevent most of it.

[1982] You know, there's, if you got enough money, you don't have to lift up to society.

[1983] Yeah, if you've got enough money, you plan ahead, you can keep people at bay.

[1984] It's fucking Game of Thrones type shit.

[1985] It's, it's pretty simple.

[1986] It's just more sophisticated.

[1987] Oh, here he goes.

[1988] Throne is intellect in it.

[1989] You can keep up with Game of Thrones?

[1990] I got through half of the premiere episode, I go, oh, this is too fucking convoluted for me. It's complicated.

[1991] Look, I see both points.

[1992] I see your point.

[1993] I see, look, life is, no matter what, it's pointless.

[1994] I mean, you live and you die.

[1995] For you, for any individual, it's a temporary ride.

[1996] But I think that to concentrate entirely on the futility of it all.

[1997] Why are you going to drop this on me now?

[1998] Have you seen, uh, it's going to end?

[1999] What the fuck?

[2000] But there's not, but have you seen Perverts Guide to Ideology?

[2001] No. That guy is Zizzik.

[2002] He's like, uh, the Slovenia's premier philosopher.

[2003] he's big in England these guys this is great movie it's documentary it's called The Perverts Guide to Ideology and he breaks down with movies and how we're like just mass fed these different ideologies and he starts with that movie they live from 88 where the guy finds the sunglasses Rottie Rottie Piper bitch Yeah and he sees the aliens He was on the podcast last night I did with him He's great Roddy came around Yeah he came around He does like comedy shows With Steve Simone Yeah he came up on stage We were doing a podcast And this guy just starts Walking towards us And it starts walking on stage, and I was like three seconds.

[2004] I was about to go, hey, sir, you can't just...

[2005] But then right when I did it, Tony Hinchcliffe goes, Roddy, Roddy Piper, everyone.

[2006] I'm like, what?

[2007] So you didn't know who's coming up there?

[2008] We had no idea.

[2009] He just walked on stage in the middle of our podcast, killed Tony.

[2010] That's hilarious.

[2011] Have you ever seen the video he did with Ari when he came on stage with him and body slammed him?

[2012] I was there.

[2013] I was there.

[2014] Ari Shafir got body slam bike.

[2015] Routy, Roddy, Piper.

[2016] Yeah, that was awesome.

[2017] That was awesome.

[2018] That was a naughty show, right?

[2019] Wasn't it?

[2020] Sam Tripoli.

[2021] Did I miss the end of Zizzik?

[2022] I try to have my prostate timed with Tom Rhodes so I can start pissing when he talks about Zizik and get back right at the end of the beat.

[2023] He said it all.

[2024] He said it all.

[2025] That's tough to say.

[2026] That's Dana D. Armand announcing it.

[2027] And here's it Rottie Piper.

[2028] Fucking Dana D. Armand?

[2029] Yeah.

[2030] I remember her from the MySpace day.

[2031] and it was Dana D. Harmon photography.

[2032] So I thought the thumbnail was some dude named Dana that put hot chicks up so you'd follow him.

[2033] And it wasn't until recently where I found out and I saw she follows you when they're like, oh, that's really a hot chick.

[2034] I thought it was a dude using a hot chick he took a picture of to try to get me to follow him.

[2035] No, she's a very nice person that happens to be a hardcore porn star, but she's a very nice person.

[2036] This is very cool.

[2037] We did a podcast.

[2038] We did a couple podcasts with her at the Ice House, but we did one with her at Bryan's Place.

[2039] Tabitha Stevens seems really cool on Twitter.

[2040] She's cool.

[2041] To the point where I'm like, you know, I don't want you to do this.

[2042] I follow you.

[2043] You don't have to send me a dirty picture every day.

[2044] I think she enjoys it, though.

[2045] She's really cool, but she enjoys it.

[2046] But you don't have to do that to me, you want to say.

[2047] I understand.

[2048] I understand.

[2049] But you've got to let a hoe be a hoe.

[2050] It's like from a Willie D. It's like from the ghetto boys.

[2051] I think that when they do that.

[2052] decoded the hieroglyphics on the pyramid yeah it says that it says that it's in uh it's cryptic you gotta use the rosetta stone to get it correctly yeah the fuck are you watching that's Roddy Roddy Piper banging Ari Shafir's head off the piano now he's some sort of sex thing going on you know he's passed at the comedy story Roddy Roddy is?

[2053] Yeah that's where the comic store is today oh my god he beat him with a bell oh yeah that's when Ari's like okay I gotta get out of here wow he really beat him Well, hey, they used to really, for real, beat the fuck out of each other in those old days of wrestling.

[2054] Those guys used to cut each other.

[2055] And the Ari Shafir, Rowdy, Rowdy Piper wars?

[2056] No, the real Rowdy -Roddy Piper wrestling matches, Doug.

[2057] That's what we're talking about, that they used to beat the fuck out of each other.

[2058] I was out pissed.

[2059] You didn't even pay attention.

[2060] We were just showing the video of Rowdy, Roddy Piper beaten Ari Shafir with a belt.

[2061] Am I the guy off the mark right now?

[2062] Yeah, you're a little off the mark.

[2063] Routy -Roddy Piper was just beaten Ari with a belt in this video.

[2064] And we were saying that they, that's for him.

[2065] that's what the fuck they did.

[2066] They used to hit each other with chairs and shit.

[2067] They really hit each other.

[2068] He's like, you can get hit with a chair, and you can be all right.

[2069] And that's what your job entails.

[2070] Like, I know you don't want to clean toilets, but somebody's got to do it.

[2071] That's their job.

[2072] I always assumed the wrestler was kind of authentic, the movie.

[2073] Yeah, it's fairly authentic.

[2074] Yeah, it's fairly authentic.

[2075] I'm going to do this to you.

[2076] Are you cool with that?

[2077] Yeah.

[2078] There was a great Louis Thoreau documentary where he went around to all these low -level pro -wrestra.

[2079] Every time he's on our level, Tom, we go, hey, we can talk wrestling.

[2080] wrestling, that's dumb.

[2081] He goes, well, Louis Thoreau once said, what?

[2082] Yeah, you fucking sidestepped my Zizzik on Golden Pond.

[2083] Then we, now we're on Thoreau.

[2084] Louis Thoreau.

[2085] He goes to these local North Carolina wrestling matches where these amateur guys, they're not making any money, they're cutting themselves with razor plates, making themselves bleed.

[2086] I mean, it's fucking crazy.

[2087] One guy puts barbed wire all over himself, and they charge into each other with barbed wire, beat each other with barbed wire, sticks, and shit.

[2088] Like, for real, they're cut.

[2089] They're like, they're all bleeding after the thing.

[2090] The original Jackass.

[2091] Well, they really used to hurt each other.

[2092] When they had theater with Jackass.

[2093] Those guys, there was a big Coke scene, and they used to hang around a lot of comedians in the 80s.

[2094] I remember hanging out with Jake the Snake.

[2095] Really?

[2096] And he had the largest bag of cocaine I've ever seen in their life.

[2097] Well, those guys are all medicated.

[2098] They're all constantly hurt.

[2099] You saw that documentary, Beyond the Mat?

[2100] No. What is that?

[2101] It's about wrestlers.

[2102] It was fantastic.

[2103] About pro wrestlers?

[2104] Yeah.

[2105] They would, like five days.

[2106] different guys.

[2107] They had the new guys starting out and then intermediaries and then Jake the Snake Roberts who's now playing an armory in Kearney Nebraska still.

[2108] Fucking, yeah, and they're going to meet him up with his daughter that he does, he never met that he abandoned, but he used to play him, Brian.

[2109] He couldn't break away from the merch table so he never met her.

[2110] What is this?

[2111] No, he started smoking crack and they get him like on a camera shot through his motel blind.

[2112] Oh, I don't want to see this.

[2113] I'm going to get sad.

[2114] Right here.

[2115] Oh, just please.

[2116] I'll get sad.

[2117] Stop playing this.

[2118] Fucking nonsense.

[2119] Joe gets sad a lot.

[2120] I don't want you.

[2121] Look, I get sad when I watch people that are wrestlers.

[2122] That was from that.

[2123] That was the guy that died.

[2124] I watched the documentary, but fuck.

[2125] It was wicked good.

[2126] It made me want to do a documentary about all the 80s comedians who thought they had it made because all of a sudden it's like the oil boom now in North Dakota, where everyone's making 5 ,000.

[2127] $5 ,000 a week with book jokes.

[2128] Two Jews walking to a bar.

[2129] Thank you, $5 ,000, Kansas City.

[2130] And where they became, Vic Dunlop.

[2131] Fucking lost a leg, and then he's dead.

[2132] But for a minute, he was fucking huge.

[2133] Not even huge.

[2134] He was just rich.

[2135] He died, didn't he?

[2136] Yeah, yeah.

[2137] All you had to do was get an evening of the improv.

[2138] If you had a Caroline's comedy hour and an evening with the improv, you were good.

[2139] And if you had an MTV half -hour comedy hour and a comedy hour Caroline's Comedy Hour and Evening at the Improv?

[2140] Holy shit.

[2141] You were in one of those USA, you remember those USA comedy guides?

[2142] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2143] Before the internet, they did have this industry guide.

[2144] It was the Who's Who of Comedy?

[2145] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2146] Skippy had a two -page spread.

[2147] Skippy from the FACSI.

[2148] Oh, Mark Price.

[2149] Is that what it's from?

[2150] Yeah, it was the show?

[2151] Yeah, Mark Price -Libby.

[2152] Yeah, Mark Price -Bee.

[2153] Well, what was the show?

[2154] Family ties, family ties.

[2155] Justine Bateman once emailed me and I was starstruck She goes, I think you're brilliant I go, are you the Justine Bateman that I know from TV?

[2156] And this is not a long time ago Did you jerk off while you were?

[2157] No, I was like six years ago I probably told this story on the internet Who didn't love Mallory?

[2158] She was incredible That's pretty interesting So she decided that she's going to reach out to you Yeah, yeah, yeah Did you tell all your friends?

[2159] This story takes about three minutes.

[2160] Do you have the time for it?

[2161] She came to a show.

[2162] Garrett Morris opened a comedy club, the downtown comedy club or...

[2163] Garrett Morris from Center.

[2164] Yeah.

[2165] And it was like in a sushi place in a hotel.

[2166] So we played it.

[2167] And Justine Bateman showed up after that email.

[2168] And I'm all excited.

[2169] I'm doing two shows.

[2170] Anyway, whatever it is, we, get done the show.

[2171] She's been there.

[2172] Lynn Shawcroft, you know, Edberg's wife, and Bingo, they've been drinking a lot.

[2173] So I go to the downstairs bar after the show to meet them and some producer friend Hollywood types.

[2174] And I'm all like, hey, I'm nervous because I'm fucking starstruck by Justine Bateman at way too late of an age to be starstruck by Justine Bateman.

[2175] Good time to take a piss, Tom Rose.

[2176] How dare you, Tom Rhodes?

[2177] You selfish son of a bitch.

[2178] So they're fucked up.

[2179] Bingo and Shawcroft are so fucked up and they're like spilling the tables and everyone's trying to be polite and ignore the fucking elephants in the room.

[2180] They have a pizza on one of those trays that's being heated from the bottom and Shawcroft knocks the pizza.

[2181] Shawcroft, her excuse is that she's on a, what's the diet where you can't have carbs?

[2182] Oh, Atkins.

[2183] Atkins.

[2184] She's doing the Atkins.

[2185] So she's drinking vodka instead of drinking beer.

[2186] but she's drinking vodka at the same rate you would drink beer so she's so fucked up so quickly and she's knocking shit over it you don't know what love is you know and i'm like uh and i'm distancing myself from my own girlfriend and my friend like i don't i don't at one point she knocks their pizza on the ground and gets down on all fours going i don't care i'll eat it and she's eating pizza off of justine bateman's feet and i'm just trying to make a smiley face and Justine was fucking great and she knew how to bust balls and she's making fun with it and being kind of cruel like a comic would skip to the next morning Shawcroft wakes up from her blackout going oh my god did I make an asshole out of myself in front of that Justin Bateman and I go you were fucking crawling on all fours like a pig eating pizza off her feet and without any irony or like sarcasm Shawcroft goes oh my God I ate pizza I'm not supposed to have carbs Dude Why are you not telling that on stage Because it's not my story It's abandoned I probably told it a million times On a bunch of podcasts We'll delete it off the internet And please tell it on stage That's a great goddamn story She is so fucking funny Oh my God, I'm not supposed to eat carbs So she's gluten -free Is that what it is?

[2187] Yeah, again, this is like six years ago I don't know That's fucking hilarious Well, good on Justin Bateman Good for her What show was she on?

[2188] Family Ties Family Ties That was with Michael J. Fox?

[2189] Yep, yeah Takes Space in Ohio He's back, bitches I don't know if you know What?

[2190] Tom Seguer's got a fucking 20 -minute bit about the Family Ties New, the new Michael J. Foxx show God, it's horrible.

[2191] It's brutal.

[2192] It's a little bit.

[2193] It's so mean.

[2194] So fucking mean.

[2195] You're fucking ragged on the guy with Parkinson's.

[2196] Again, I've done four podcasts in 24 hours, basically, or 36.

[2197] So I feel like you got loose with this one.

[2198] But, Bert Krecher is talking about Tom Segura has been on my list of shit to do to watch.

[2199] Because I've heard about them so much from you and your podcast and tweets and stuff.

[2200] that and Chrysher said fuck yeah you gotta see him I still have not like pulled up YouTube or anything of it he's really good man yeah he's really good we I met him when I did the Maxim tour with Charlie Murphy me and Hefron and Charlie Murphy you know Sigura oh he's hilarious I love it really good every place we went they had a new guy open for us you know like a local guy or a guy that won like a local contest and he went up in Phoenix we did the Hollywood theater the same theater with Louis did his last special And Sigurra went up, and I was like, holy shit, this guy's good.

[2201] He was really, it was like, at all the guy, we had 22 shows, so 22 different guys opened for us.

[2202] But he was the only one that really stood out.

[2203] I was like, he's a beast.

[2204] He's legit.

[2205] His podcast is fun, too.

[2206] Yeah, he's just a fun guy.

[2207] He's just a good guy.

[2208] He's like Kreischer, you know?

[2209] His wife is fucking hilarious, too.

[2210] You ever seen Christina, Pizzicki?

[2211] No. I don't know anyone.

[2212] I haven't seen no one ever.

[2213] She went up, Sam Trippley, had this naughty show, and he had all these people on the show.

[2214] I mean, it's all chaos.

[2215] It's like, here's Tom.

[2216] It's like naked people and people getting beaten by belts and all this chaos.

[2217] And this woman was beating this guy with a belt.

[2218] And I was thinking, oh, my God, I can't believe she's got to follow this.

[2219] Like, how's she going to fuck and follow this?

[2220] And it was the first night I met her.

[2221] She's like, real friendly.

[2222] And I was like, poor Tom's wife.

[2223] Poor Tom's wife going to go up and try to follow a guy getting beaten by a belt.

[2224] She goes up and slays.

[2225] And I was like, holy shit, she's really good.

[2226] She's really fun.

[2227] It's like finally, a husband and wife team where they're both really funny Which usually like the wife's really funny But the husband's some bitch that just follows her around And tells her how awesome she is Or writes the jokes but you can't do it himself It's one of the other One of the other It's either the husband's awesome or the wife's awesome Or something, what are you doing?

[2228] That's why their podcast is fun Your mom's house With a fucking crocodile I was her when she was on road rules She was on road rules?

[2229] Yeah, that's hilarious But she's a really good comic Bottom line It's a really good comic.

[2230] Funny.

[2231] Just a legit comedian has nothing to do with gender or the fact that she's married to a legit comedian.

[2232] It's a rare instance where two legit comedians are hooked up together.

[2233] Yeah, I can't come up with another one.

[2234] No. I can't come up.

[2235] Well, I love it, though, because I love that you never say it doesn't work.

[2236] You know, people always say, oh, I don't ever date a comic.

[2237] That fucking never works.

[2238] You can't say that.

[2239] It doesn't, most of the time it doesn't work.

[2240] But it doesn't mean it can't work.

[2241] can totally work.

[2242] Like Tom and Christina, it actually works.

[2243] They're both really funny.

[2244] It's a perfect example of...

[2245] Come on, in history, there had to be at least an instance of where two funny people that were already legitimately were married.

[2246] Were George Barnes and Gracie Allen?

[2247] Were they married?

[2248] Captain and Toneal.

[2249] No?

[2250] Jim Carrey married Jenny McCarthy, who is hot enough for you to think was funny?

[2251] Bow and Luke Duke.

[2252] Tim Conwin.

[2253] Donuts.

[2254] There's none.

[2255] This fucking Tom and Christina.

[2256] That's it.

[2257] Never existed.

[2258] That's why we need gay marriage.

[2259] That's what I'm talking about.

[2260] The only way you can find two funny women in a room.

[2261] Well, what about if Richard Pryor and George Carlin married each other, the greatest gay couple, the greatest married couple of all time?

[2262] Yeah.

[2263] Gay marriage.

[2264] They're both gay?

[2265] And they went into comedy?

[2266] I back gay marriage, but you're talking interracial, and I'm out.

[2267] My favorite thing you've ever done outside of your comedy is that fucking...

[2268] Bisby Town Hall thing that you did where you went up there and...

[2269] Oh, you didn't see the one where I ate shit the next time.

[2270] There's another one?

[2271] How did you eat shit?

[2272] I went up.

[2273] It was the most brutal.

[2274] Every comic has had the dream where you go on stage and you can't talk and you don't know what you're saying in the audiences.

[2275] Look, that happened to me in real life.

[2276] After I did the one...

[2277] I just, I spout it off at one city hall about you know, why are you, having prayer at a city council.

[2278] And that was quick.

[2279] And the next time I went when they were actually voting on the referendum for civil unions.

[2280] And I sat in the back listening to all these Christians speak.

[2281] And I just, like you watch the opening acts and you go, I can riff off of this.

[2282] And I developed this bit in my head that was not ready.

[2283] And I went up to speak.

[2284] And instead of hearing the ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your headliner and applause?

[2285] I realize it's dead silence and I'm walking through water and I went up to speak and I lost my breath I started to talk and I see the mayor looking at me like why are you up here?

[2286] What are you doing?

[2287] The mayor of Bisby?

[2288] Yeah.

[2289] How many people are in Bisbee?

[2290] 5 ,500.

[2291] Don't make me move there.

[2292] I'll become the mayor.

[2293] I just everything that I had thought about listening to a bunch of speakers Is that me live?

[2294] Is that the video?

[2295] Is this the exact thing?

[2296] Is this it?

[2297] Obviously, we have enough people in the room to fight on my behalf.

[2298] I don't have to be here.

[2299] There was rumors of buses of churches that were going to show up and filibuster this.

[2300] So we felt we had to go down.

[2301] No, no, this is not the breakdown.

[2302] There was the next city council meeting.

[2303] I saw this one.

[2304] I fell apart where I, I'm, like, I'm talking to a copy.

[2305] with a dead hooker in my trunk and I and then and then all the eyes are getting worse and then I start flop sweating and I'm going to default lines this is why I'm going to default lines this is why normally drink when I and the Rosa Parks and I the and I had to leave in shame knowing that the fucking mayor and one of the councilmen and the rest of my friends have seen this and they're coming to my house and I'm like the only I have to leave business because coming to your house.

[2306] Because we party over there.

[2307] You party with the mayor?

[2308] Fuck you.

[2309] Yeah, the mayor's cool.

[2310] I met her.

[2311] Why would you panic then if you party with the mayor?

[2312] I just went into a fucking panic.

[2313] Like, I had all this stuff that I know in my head is a comedy bit that I could do.

[2314] But going up to...

[2315] It wasn't done yet.

[2316] No, going up to a bunch of people that are angry and don't want to see me and don't...

[2317] You got to always bring at least a little bit of your own audience.

[2318] But I did.

[2319] I had my friends there, which made it worse.

[2320] I have no idea.

[2321] It was the dream that you have where you don't know what the fuck you're doing on stage and you wake up going oh, fucking thank God that was just a dream but it was real and it was really to this day I see people that were at that city council meeting and I go I should kill myself You hang your head and shame It was fucking How long ago was this?

[2322] Last year Dude We need to change this You gotta move to a new town We need to move this reality No We need to fucking to clean out the town.

[2323] Everybody who's seen that, we need to kill him.

[2324] That's all it is.

[2325] That's what I thought.

[2326] I actually said that on state.

[2327] No, last week I went up in city council.

[2328] You redeem yourself?

[2329] Not and redeem us.

[2330] I didn't kill, but I went up and said, hey, listen, we're having a party.

[2331] I want to talk about noise complaints.

[2332] At a city council meeting, you went up and said, hey, listen, we're having a party?

[2333] No, I said, hey, listen, I want to talk about noise complaints.

[2334] You know what?

[2335] There's neighbors that make noise complaints, and you're going to make a lot on May 20.

[2336] We're having a party out of respect for a whiskey girl in a nowhere man who died tragically between 6 and 10 p .m. You know what?

[2337] Don't call the cops.

[2338] Just show up.

[2339] Bring some food.

[2340] Dude, you're running that town.

[2341] Why don't you run for mayor?

[2342] Do you think you would win?

[2343] I could win.

[2344] Hmm.

[2345] I could help you.

[2346] But you'd have to show up and it pays $386 a month.

[2347] I don't even want any money.

[2348] And all the people that don't know you I'll help you Will hate you No no no We'll get rid of them Don't move No How much you think their houses are worth Here's the reality Here's the reality If they really had their shit together Would they be living in Bispy?

[2349] Most likely no But That's their world You can just Launch people in there Move people to town Doug Stanhope They start buying up All these houses Of these malcontents who are upset that you're the new mayor.

[2350] When you're on the road, you do your show.

[2351] Let's say there's 500 people at the show.

[2352] At the end of the night, the staff are your only friends.

[2353] You don't fuck with the staff.

[2354] I live with the staff.

[2355] I live with a small, tiny amount of people, and you're going to see them at Safeway every day.

[2356] And if you fuck up what they think is important, meaning city politics in Bisbee, I don't want to see those.

[2357] It's the same reason you wouldn't work a cruise.

[2358] cruise ship.

[2359] Because if you suck, you're going to have to see those same people at the buffet and the Lido deck and shuffleboard for another week.

[2360] I see your point.

[2361] I wouldn't work cruise ship because I don't want to be on a boat in the middle of the fucking ocean, trapped with a bunch of people.

[2362] But I see your point.

[2363] Like if you bomb.

[2364] What I'm saying is, it would be fuck Hunter Thompson running for sheriff of Woody Creek.

[2365] If you ran for mayor of Bisby and actually won, it might be the greatest victory that our generation has ever had.

[2366] We have a great mayor!

[2367] Listen, dude, the great mayor is great.

[2368] He'll work for you.

[2369] This is my thoughts.

[2370] You could take over Bisbee, and then from you taking over Bisbee, we just start moving people in.

[2371] Just start, people will fuck this place that's going to shit.

[2372] Stand Helps doing Coke.

[2373] They sell their house.

[2374] Cool people buy it.

[2375] I want to be near Stanhope.

[2376] Next thing you know, you've got a fucking town filled with Doug Stanhope fans.

[2377] I tell you, whenever I visit you, do you know why I give out my address on your podcast.

[2378] Because you're trying to do this.

[2379] Because you're trying to do this.

[2380] Bixby, Arizona, 85603.

[2381] Let me repeat.

[2382] 212 Van Dyke Street, BISB, Arizona, 85603, mail packages to us.

[2383] I can give that out because I can't get my own friends, namely Joe Rogan to even visit me, much less.

[2384] I would be happy.

[2385] I'd be happy to visit you.

[2386] I'd be happy to visit you.

[2387] You would be.

[2388] I haven't done it.

[2389] But I would be happy to visit you.

[2390] Well, you're going to buy the cavehouse.

[2391] I would like to buy that cavehouse.

[2392] But then you fucked up.

[2393] Now everybody knows the fucking cavehouse is where I'm going to live in.

[2394] Everyone's known about the cavehouse.

[2395] It's been featured in magazines.

[2396] But if I buy the cavehouse, it's a different thing because you just said you're going to buy it.

[2397] Airbnb.

[2398] You fucked me up.

[2399] You fucked up my cavehouse dreams right there by disclosure.

[2400] By involuntary disclosure.

[2401] You fucked up my cavehouse.

[2402] cave house dreams.

[2403] That house has been in so many magazines.

[2404] We just need guns and fences and shit.

[2405] We have guns.

[2406] Higher Mexicans.

[2407] I think that you could run that town, dude.

[2408] I think you're already running that town.

[2409] You already own real estate?

[2410] Have you seen Windy City Heat?

[2411] Yeah.

[2412] Okay.

[2413] It's great show.

[2414] That's what we're looking at.

[2415] It's fine.

[2416] Is to not run for mayor but run someone for mayor.

[2417] That's okay.

[2418] Now I like how you think.

[2419] Enough said.

[2420] Now I like how you thinking.

[2421] Now I, now I like what you're thinking.

[2422] We're thinking.

[2423] What we need to do is just there's a lot of people that just really are not totally buying the whole future Bispy experience.

[2424] We need to get them to start selling.

[2425] You know, it's like a reverse blockbusting.

[2426] Let him know.

[2427] Gentrify BISB.

[2428] I already have a guy that's made the logo.

[2429] It's the communist fist with a Rolex on it.

[2430] It says, Gentrify BISB.

[2431] That's your version of the gonzo fucking two -thumbed holding the peyote button.

[2432] Yeah, Gentrify Bisby.

[2433] In communist lettering.

[2434] Dude, you make it very attractive.

[2435] Make moving to the middle of nowhere next to the Mexican border.

[2436] You couldn't do it.

[2437] You couldn't do it.

[2438] No, you have to have the fucking...

[2439] You need shit around you.

[2440] What do I need around there?

[2441] I'm good, like, just laying in a hammock.

[2442] I don't actually have a hammock.

[2443] I lived in the mountains of Colorado for a while.

[2444] For about two months and fucking fled back here.

[2445] No, it was three months.

[2446] But my wife got pregnant.

[2447] You can't live up there if you're pregnant.

[2448] Yeah, yeah.

[2449] The point is...

[2450] But you can't.

[2451] You're like a tell.

[2452] You have to do a show before the giant show.

[2453] You have to have a big show before the giant show.

[2454] I understand it.

[2455] I'm not downing you.

[2456] What's that mean, the big show for the giant show?

[2457] Well, you go to do UFC, and then you do a big theater show before you do the monstrous fucking UFC show.

[2458] And, yeah, you thrive on that kind of attention.

[2459] I'm terrified by it.

[2460] When you brought me to UFC, I've never been more scared.

[2461] even with you like just stay with me Rougain get a picture and they fuck you Hollywood that's that's my UFC experience in a nutshell fuck you Hollywood me walking through a crowd Joe you got me tickets to the Staples Center a couple years ago and I had never been to UFC and I absolutely loved it just just transformed because I was a real boxing fan purist and I absolutely fell in love with it but the seats were, like, way up in the top of the arena.

[2462] And some guy that was sitting in my seat, and I mentioned the guy was in my seat.

[2463] I showed him the ticket, and I started talking to the guy.

[2464] He was in, like, the next seat over.

[2465] And I was so high up, and I had mentioned that Joe Rogan had gotten me the tickets, and the guy turned to me and goes, I thought you were better friends.

[2466] Because they were so high up.

[2467] They were like, how high up were?

[2468] They were pretty high up.

[2469] Did you get the tickets really last minute or something?

[2470] It must be.

[2471] Probably a couple days before.

[2472] Yeah, that's the problem.

[2473] It was probably sold out.

[2474] That's all I could get you.

[2475] You fucking lazy bitch.

[2476] See that little speck down there?

[2477] I know that guy.

[2478] Brian, how many times you've been on the floor?

[2479] Almost every time.

[2480] Yeah, he's always on the floor.

[2481] I had it in touch with me. I had it.

[2482] Yeah, Stan hopes on the floor, too.

[2483] I would have had you on the floor.

[2484] You can't holler at me two days before, Robes.

[2485] It's probably based on that racist bit you did.

[2486] Something about that fucking watermelon chicken eating.

[2487] I should have kept that a secret.

[2488] A soldier that you have.

[2489] Was a black fighter headlining?

[2490] It was a black fighter headlining because.

[2491] Oh.

[2492] Oh, yeah, dude, if you ever want to go, just ask me. You don't have to drop hints on a podcast.

[2493] Jesus Christ, I'll get you better seats.

[2494] Bill Cosby.

[2495] Fuck, yeah, we're going to go.

[2496] Are we going to go see Bill Cosby if you want to go.

[2497] Me, Ian Edwards.

[2498] I'm telling you, I keep hearing he's really fucking funny.

[2499] I keep hearing from a bunch of people.

[2500] He tells these long, really funny storytelling bits.

[2501] I heard it from Bill Burr.

[2502] I heard it from Ian Edwards heard it.

[2503] Bill Cosby.

[2504] I heard it from Chris Rock.

[2505] I heard it from a bunch of fucking people that Cosby's fucking hilarious.

[2506] Yeah, I heard the same thing.

[2507] I keep hearing it, man. I heard it from a dude, a random dude that doesn't even do comedy in Austin.

[2508] He goes, you know what really fucking surprised me?

[2509] He goes, my friends took me out to see Bill Cosby, and I was like, I don't want to go see Bill Cosby, man. He's like 80 years old.

[2510] What the fuck am I going to get out of this?

[2511] He goes, dude, I was fucking crying last thing.

[2512] He goes, for the first five minutes, you go, what am I getting into?

[2513] Because he doesn't have an opening act.

[2514] He just goes out there and he starts talking.

[2515] For the first five minutes, it takes a while to build up.

[2516] And he goes, I'm like, what am I doing?

[2517] my God, what am I fucking sitting through?

[2518] How long is this going to be?

[2519] He goes, then you start fucking, he starts tying things together.

[2520] You start fucking laughing.

[2521] And then he goes deeper and deeper.

[2522] Apparently, he's been touring.

[2523] Like, you go look at his schedule.

[2524] He's fucking touring a lot.

[2525] And you look at his schedule.

[2526] I saw him working out a lot of that shit at the comedy cellar.

[2527] You joking?

[2528] He doesn't work it out at all.

[2529] He does it on stage, but he's working every night.

[2530] As imagining Bill Cosby, like bumping someone at the comedy seller at midnight to work out some new shit.

[2531] He's still doing two theater shows a night in some places.

[2532] I mean, he's doing a lot of shows.

[2533] And I think a lot of...

[2534] He's got all those illegitimate kids to take care of.

[2535] He's also had a few lawsuits.

[2536] Date rape, some, something.

[2537] Whatever.

[2538] Between long...

[2539] Would you like to see my put and pop?

[2540] Between lengthy phone calls to black comics about how they're ruining the fucking...

[2541] Yes.

[2542] Listen, he's 100 % he's flawed.

[2543] He's definitely flawed.

[2544] But my idea of it is not to connect him to the art form that I appreciate like I appreciate guys like you guys like you Diaz I understand I don't like what he I don't like clean I'm saying Donald Sterling needs the same fucking decency hey that's an old feeble fucking dude that America is up in arms about rather than the justice system which is really abusively racist oh yeah you know Bill Cosby Donald Sterling tour together Okay, I see your point.

[2545] Can I switch headphones with Tom Rhodes, so it looks like he said that?

[2546] I'm not in support of anything that Donald Sterling or Bill Cosby said, but I think that it's tough to ignore Cosby as a craftsman.

[2547] And Sterling's not that funny.

[2548] And I think Sterling's pretty funny when he's trying to bang a 20 -year -old and he's fucking 81.

[2549] I think it's funny that he pulls it off, you know, and he's got to buy, everybody's like, oh, my God, bought her a Bentley and a Ferrari, you have to buy him a Bentley and a Ferrari.

[2550] If you have a billion dollars, a Bentley and a Ferrari is like buying a chicken necklace.

[2551] You buy her something pretty, and she sucks you dick.

[2552] And then if you're lucky, she'll do it again in six months.

[2553] But he shouldn't have missed the payment.

[2554] You know, if you're a billionaire guy and you're banging some psycho side pussy, you know, make sure they got the payment.

[2555] You know what happens is these guys get fucking greedy, and they don't realize how much a billion dollars really is.

[2556] I don't realize.

[2557] I've been that guy.

[2558] You can give a chick like that.

[2559] I've been that guy where you're so desperate for a chick not to leave you that's out of your league.

[2560] Yeah.

[2561] You start talking racial shit to make her feel uncomfortable.

[2562] I have said so much worse shit.

[2563] That's what he did.

[2564] He said some racial shit to make her feel uncomfortable, man. You know, I mean, I think that's what happened.

[2565] I mean, that's what he said happened.

[2566] I think he's just an asshole.

[2567] Just an old asshole.

[2568] And he didn't know that he was being recorded.

[2569] She came on CNN like two days later.

[2570] He goes, I'm his silly rabbit.

[2571] Did you see that?

[2572] No. She came out of seeing an Reachery.

[2573] I'm his I'm his silly rabbit.

[2574] He has a view of race that might be inappropriate to someone.

[2575] A racist doesn't hire black general managers and coaches.

[2576] Yeah.

[2577] He's not a fucking clansman.

[2578] His real racism in the world, sports people are not your fucking Yeah.

[2579] Well, one thing wasn't talked about pillars of morality.

[2580] Did he say it in his own house?

[2581] I mean, you should be able to say whatever you want in your own house, right?

[2582] Well, apparently he's got...

[2583] That's what's kind of Orwellian about it, but they never said where it was recorded.

[2584] Well, why would he bring the side pussy to his house?

[2585] I'm going to fuck these niggers over.

[2586] You know what?

[2587] My team's going to be all wide.

[2588] Well, apparently, here's a deal.

[2589] He said, please.

[2590] He said, fuck.

[2591] Go ahead and fuck.

[2592] Black guys.

[2593] Michael, not Michael Jordan.

[2594] Magic Johnson.

[2595] Is that...

[2596] You know what?

[2597] Feed him.

[2598] Fuck him.

[2599] I don't care.

[2600] Just please don't.

[2601] put pictures on Instagram.

[2602] Yeah.

[2603] If that's racist.

[2604] Well, the idea is that it's racist because it's in this great position of power.

[2605] People keep contacting me. Going near fucking a black guy.

[2606] It's the culture.

[2607] They call him, did you, Donald, did you really buy that broad?

[2608] You bought her a Ferrari and look at her taking the pictures of Michael James.

[2609] You know the magic.

[2610] Magic fucks everything you can.

[2611] You know that, right?

[2612] Magic is just constantly fucking his.

[2613] Rod.

[2614] And you're buying her Rose Rice.

[2615] You don't want to get the AIDS, honey, because he has the AIDS and she's taking pictures.

[2616] You know what Magic bought her?

[2617] He bought her a dick sandwich.

[2618] That's what he bought her.

[2619] I have a black girlfriend and I said it's okay if you fuck another black guy.

[2620] Just don't put pictures on the internet so people fuck with me. That's a racist now.

[2621] That is a racist.

[2622] The guy with a black girlfriend that he's cheating on his wife with saying you can fuck other black guys.

[2623] Just don't put it on the internet that's racism um listen he doesn't know any better these are quotes he doesn't know any better ducks dano he doesn't know any better than to not fuck a black girl if you're a racist if you're a racist donald you get it wrong you don't fuck black girls and you don't say it's okay to fuck other black guys as long as you don't put it on the internet did you see that shit we talked last time we talked about we we brought up the fact that maybe he had Alzheimer's or something like that well that's what they're trying to say now that he He has the early stages of...

[2624] He's got cancer.

[2625] Yes.

[2626] So he forgot that he's dating a black girl.

[2627] No, well, that's the whole reason why the whole recording was being done in the first place.

[2628] He can't remember the things he said.

[2629] So part of her job, she actually works for him.

[2630] Part of her job is that she's supposed to record his conversations so that he can talk about things and she could bring it up what he's already talked about.

[2631] So he knows what he said.

[2632] Apparently, he's like going mental.

[2633] Right.

[2634] And so she releases the tapes.

[2635] Sterling thinks...

[2636] That's what...

[2637] She said, he said the opposite, evidently.

[2638] I read the transcript because I don't have cable at my Airbnb, but my girlfriend pissed your bed, so we're even.

[2639] It didn't hit the mattress.

[2640] It didn't.

[2641] I think it's a sad state.

[2642] It's a sad state when you want to fucking shit on an old man who's alone in his home, and everybody's going off on him.

[2643] Everybody goes, hey, oh, could you stick up for him?

[2644] He's got all this money.

[2645] He's an old man that wanted to get some pussy.

[2646] It's a sad state when people are...

[2647] stupid shit.

[2648] Being let off fucking death row only because of the innocence project, clearing their name because they were black, they were convicted of shit and spending 20 years in prison, the justice system, fucking cops shooting black kids because they thought they had a gun and that's not blown up in the news.

[2649] That's not trending on Twitter.

[2650] A fucking old feeble man going fuck Michael Jordan or Magic Johnson.

[2651] No, I couldn't agree more.

[2652] I mean, Obviously, in perspective, but the idea is, of course, we're paying attention to this guy because he's a billionaire.

[2653] Because he owns a gigantic sports franchise.

[2654] And he also made a shit -fucked ton of money off of black people, and apparently he's not happy about black people banging his sidepiece.

[2655] The whole thing is hilarious that it's so mild the things that he said, whether it's, hold on a second, whether it's racist or not, so mild in the context that he said it in the comfort of his own home.

[2656] There was no racial slurs.

[2657] There was nothing defamatory.

[2658] There's no, they're less than us.

[2659] They're not white.

[2660] They're not us.

[2661] I heard that he lent Jerry West the money to buy the Lakers.

[2662] So that guy single -handedly is responsible for basketball in Los Angeles.

[2663] Well, he's a fucking rich dude.

[2664] He's super successful.

[2665] But he's a cunt.

[2666] He's been a cunt forever.

[2667] He's been racially discriminating against people that lived in his properties.

[2668] But so have a million other people.

[2669] He was 60 when the internet came out.

[2670] I'm not sticking up for the guy.

[2671] He ain't a great guy.

[2672] I am.

[2673] I'm not.

[2674] I'm not.

[2675] He ain't a great guy.

[2676] He's not a perfect example of what an 80 -year -old person who's learned from a lifetime mistakes can be.

[2677] He's not.

[2678] He's an old billionaire.

[2679] He wanted to get his dick sucked by some crazy bitch, so he talked a lot of shit.

[2680] And we found out about it because it got out.

[2681] It was a private thing.

[2682] How many people out there have that grandfather slash uncle slash guy that you listen to him at Thanksgiving dinner say way worse shit with like the epithets, saying nigger.

[2683] spick and everything and you all just go do you want some more butternut squash?

[2684] Uncle Harry Yeah, but the thing is everything's going to be recorded.

[2685] There's just recording devices everywhere.

[2686] Well, it's an example of what we're learning.

[2687] It's very welly in it.

[2688] We're going to have to just be constantly aware of what we're saying.

[2689] Stop police!

[2690] Stop police!

[2691] Get out of my fucking head!

[2692] All right, closer.

[2693] Drop the headphones and leave.

[2694] Well, you're voluntarily doing that by doing something like this, right?

[2695] For three hours, you're giving up your thoughts.

[2696] You know, I think there's not going to be any secrets.

[2697] I think the idea, I think I'm going to go you one further.

[2698] There's not going to be any money.

[2699] Because money is information.

[2700] Money right now is just ones and zeros on a fucking website somewhere.

[2701] I mean, that's what Bitcoin's going to be.

[2702] That's what the money essentially that we have now it's not backed by goal.

[2703] That's what it is.

[2704] The end of secrecy will it's a bit I've never done enough hallucinogens to work out.

[2705] But the fact that...

[2706] It's common.

[2707] Yeah.

[2708] the fact that you will never have a private thought.

[2709] Yeah, there's not going to be any private inner voice.

[2710] But you know what?

[2711] I mean, we want to think of it as like everything that we experience in our lifetime is like a static thing that has to stay like this.

[2712] But it never does.

[2713] It never has.

[2714] From the moment that some fucking weird little sneaky little multi -celled thing crawled out of the ocean, it's never been the same.

[2715] Everything keeps changing.

[2716] It's going to keep changing.

[2717] And what we're doing right now is we're figuring out new ways to not be able to hide shit.

[2718] not be able to hide ideas, not be able to hide the very thoughts in your own fucking mind.

[2719] Not just what you say when you're trying to bang your side piece.

[2720] And she's recording you because your mind is much.

[2721] No, that's the new coin term because of Donald Sterling.

[2722] It's not the, no, that's been around forever.

[2723] It's called side bitch now.

[2724] No, that's only in your circle.

[2725] Jesus, why are you so rude?

[2726] He's a misogynist.

[2727] I know.

[2728] He got some porn star pussy at some point and all of a sudden.

[2729] This is just indicative of some greater trend that's going on.

[2730] That greater trend is the access to information.

[2731] That's what it is.

[2732] It's information, whether it's information, the idea that what you say in a room is just like there's an echo and it dies off.

[2733] It's not going to die off anymore.

[2734] There's not going to be an echo.

[2735] It's going to be a recording and it's going to change the very dimension that you exist in.

[2736] The very world that you interface with is a completely different world now.

[2737] And it's because the very things that come out of your mouth are no longer temporary.

[2738] They're now resourceable.

[2739] They're now researchable.

[2740] You can go back and find them.

[2741] You put them in a bank.

[2742] You hold on to them.

[2743] You have them on a phone.

[2744] You have them in a database in Utah because the NSA has collected all your emails.

[2745] But as long as there's celebrity, as long as there's a Donald Sterling that doesn't matter versus the cop who's caught on tape, you know, hitting a fucking guy with a baton.

[2746] But they're getting in trouble too.

[2747] I mean, the guy who just shot that 83 -year -old lady, the 83 -year -old lady was a crazy lady, had a gun screaming and yelling.

[2748] Guy came in and just unloaded on her, just pumped a fucking ton of bullets into her.

[2749] And they're like, what are you doing?

[2750] You didn't just shoot the old lady once.

[2751] You shot a fucking dozen bullets in her direction or something crazy like that.

[2752] I mean, it's not, it is every week, and it doesn't make sense, and it's not fair.

[2753] And that is being exposed not as much as the people like the Donald Sterling, but enough that you see a trend.

[2754] If you just looked at it completely objectively outside the ideas of social justice, and just look at it like, yeah, we'll look at it like a scientific observation.

[2755] If you look at it like that, you go, well, yeah, Mel Gibson got fucked over by some crazy cunt, and Donald Sterling, he's an old man. But he's screaming, I hope you get raped by a pack of niggers.

[2756] That one saying, turn in your fucking sag card.

[2757] Because they take it into account that he's a fucking entertainer, and they give him a little bit of slack.

[2758] but stepping outside the idea of justice.

[2759] He doesn't give black people hundreds of millions of dollars.

[2760] You're right.

[2761] Like Donald Sterling, who goes, please don't fuck you.

[2762] I don't think you should quantify who's better.

[2763] I don't think you should quantify who's better.

[2764] I think what I look at it on it, I try to not think of myself being connected.

[2765] What would I do if I was an old crazy guy like Donald Sterling or Mel Gibson?

[2766] I go, what's going on?

[2767] What's going on is there's not going to be any secrets.

[2768] You better get used to it because it slowly happens with a TMZ.

[2769] tape that the fucking mistress of Donald Sterling releases or Mel Gibson's crazy rants, his racist rants at a cop or, you know, whatever.

[2770] But when you're sitting in a cubicle and you went on a date with another guy in the office and you're typing on Facebook going, he's fucking, he was kind of nice, but he's filthy and he has bad breath and he chews with his mouth open.

[2771] All of a sudden, yeah, now you're reading that on Facebook about you.

[2772] It's no longer TMZ about some, you know, celebrity.

[2773] Now you're finding out the truth about how someone feels about you on the internet.

[2774] And you go, oh, oh my God, that's how people feel about me. I'm, I'm just a guy in another cubicle.

[2775] Yeah, people find out shit about you without being famous.

[2776] You're not famous, but you read, oh, this is my cousin just said this about me in social networking.

[2777] And now I know, yeah, no one has any secrets.

[2778] Yeah, well, it's a ripple effect.

[2779] I mean, right now it's hitting the celebrities first.

[2780] But it's going to go deeper and deeper into the culture.

[2781] There's no getting around it, man. It's like what we're experiencing now is not going to be with the future.

[2782] The future is going to be, we're going to be able to read each other's fucking minds.

[2783] They're really close to it.

[2784] They're coming up with technology on a day -to -day braces that is establishing the very steps to take to not just be able to send each other pictures or emails on a phone, but do it do it mind -to -mind.

[2785] They're working on that.

[2786] That's not, it's not like an impossibility.

[2787] It's an inevitability.

[2788] It's just a matter of how long it's going to take before the technology becomes viable.

[2789] They're working on it.

[2790] They're not going to, unless we get hit by an asteroid or invaded by aliens or we blow each other up in a nuclear war, it's coming.

[2791] Worst fear about reincarnation is, I go, I'll be dead before that happens.

[2792] Oh, wait, I'll come back?

[2793] Oh, Jesus.

[2794] Well, not only that.

[2795] What if they come up with something that fucking regenerates you?

[2796] What do they come up with something like this mouse thing where they're injecting?

[2797] young mice blood into these mice and making the mice regenerate and they're actually regenerating brain tissue and reversing the signs of aging.

[2798] This is like legitimate scientific experiments they're doing on mice where they're showing that this is a potential thing that might work on all mammals.

[2799] It might not just only work on mice.

[2800] It might be something they could do with anybody.

[2801] I saw this on Sullivan and Son.

[2802] Hey, speaking of Sullivan and Son.

[2803] If they offered that to you, would you just assume, like, I'd rather not, I'd rather fucking go out blaze of camels and just keep it he has to fucking I just gave you an opening you said before the show you need to mention Sullivan and sun they get older their fucking prostate swell up they have a very small little bladder it's like a coin purse for a child you know what I spent so much time dealing with my prostate one on one one with two fingers or one I mean do you using a glove or you just go on raw dog you snip your nails do you file down the edges are you just fucking crazy just go in there ragged with a coke nail one of those fucking big ones from Dracula that's a silver with a tip on the end yeah yeah yeah I just tear up the inside of your asshole I find my prostate and introduce it to a world of pain Hellraiser style that last soliloquy of mine that evidently didn't make sense to you.

[2804] That was the eye roll.

[2805] No. The reason I don't do podcast by myself.

[2806] It makes sense.

[2807] It makes sense.

[2808] Eventually, Joe Rogan has to frown on me and I go, Hey, that's an hour.

[2809] Neither one of us.

[2810] Neither one of us are, I mean, there's no right or wrong.

[2811] We're both making sense.

[2812] You know, it's like there's a bunch of different points to this whole thing.

[2813] You're absolutely right that it's one of the most minor forms of racism ever where people having this massive amounts of outrage.

[2814] But people always have massive amounts out.

[2815] He's fucking a black girl.

[2816] But people have massive amounts that were outraged at anything a billionaire does, especially if that billionaire owns a bunch of black people.

[2817] They have massive amounts of outrage at what CNN tells them to be outraged about it.

[2818] That's true, too.

[2819] But this is one of those things where if you have a billionaire who owns a bunch of black people's contracts, he owns a bunch of teams.

[2820] Thank God there was a parenthesis.

[2821] That was my tweet.

[2822] I go, I want to buy the L .A. Clippers.

[2823] But I don't have the money, but I think it would be racist to buy.

[2824] just one he owns I mean he owns if you own a team do you own the contracts I mean how do you own you're essentially you own the business that's employing X amount of black people there's a lot of it's interesting that that guy is like this to see how the 1 % lives you know that this guy can like buy his chick a Ferrari like he doesn't care that it's you know he loses 2 .5 million what is it's a Chris rock bit plantation a Chris The Chris Rock bit was There's a difference between rich and wealthy Shack is rich The guy that writes The signs Shack's check is wealthy That's a great bit That's a great bit That's a great bit I don't even think we could wrap our heads Around the idea of the 1 % The real Rockefeller -type money You know, that's been in their circulation Of their family for fucking Generation after Generation I think it's so insane It's so decadent I mean, the reason why we have these ideas about like skull and crossbones, the nepotism that, you know, these family fucking groups that get handed down, my son will be in skull and crossbones as well.

[2825] They all get together and they put on diapers and paddle each other and suck each other's dicks and take Polaroids of it, put it in a vault in the middle of fucking Yale, somewhere deep in the dungeon.

[2826] I mean, that's because these guys have been in control of some ridiculous thing that they should have never had the power to wrap their fucking greedy little.

[2827] fingers around, billions and billions of billions of dollars with no work at all.

[2828] They were born into it.

[2829] And they're born into this, and they're like, this is our legacy.

[2830] We have to protect us.

[2831] It happens on every level of society.

[2832] Yep.

[2833] It does.

[2834] It does.

[2835] Whenever someone has, like, a real solid control.

[2836] You're a cab dispatcher, and you're going to give your friend that drinks with you the better fucking fair before...

[2837] Everyone fucking does that.

[2838] Yeah, but that's like a friendship thing.

[2839] There's a difference between what that is.

[2840] Conspiracy theory naysayers.

[2841] Conspiracy theories happen in this fucking room, people conspire against each other on some level.

[2842] Right, but on this guy's level, why is it such a surprise to people that he looks at it like a plantation workers, that these are, you know, his property.

[2843] I think probably a lot of billionaires have that attitude.

[2844] He's nothing compared to the same way the ranch guy.

[2845] The same way you bring openers in case Joey Diaz doesn't show up.

[2846] Hey, you know what?

[2847] You're lower than Joey Diaz, but you're here for a reason.

[2848] that's the same kind of theory as hey you work for me what wait a minute hang on someone else make that make sense because that does hold on a second you're saying to a guy that you're less than Joey Diaz that's the same as the Donald Sterling guy saying you own your fucking openers you're a plantation owner you own your openers to the extent that Donald Sterling does Oh, I see.

[2849] I feel terrible now.

[2850] No, no, I'm saying He shouldn't feel terrible.

[2851] He's paying the motherfuckers.

[2852] He's an old cunt.

[2853] He's like he's born in a different era.

[2854] And that's what Duncan Trussell said to you have been on your back.

[2855] It was a great show.

[2856] I should have been Joey Diaz the whole time.

[2857] You see this show?

[2858] John D. Rockefeller's worth $340 billion, not million, billion dollars.

[2859] number one richest American of all time.

[2860] But that guy's dead.

[2861] That's not helping him.

[2862] But John D. Rockefeller, when did he die?

[2863] He died in 1937.

[2864] I think that's the point.

[2865] No one cares.

[2866] It's such a ball.

[2867] You can't take that pussy with you, said Tom Rhodes.

[2868] I was talking to somebody a couple weeks ago, and every time I mentioned someone's name, the entertainer, the guy who was, he was on the internet, and I think it's like networth .com, you can punch in anybody's name, and it says what their net worth is.

[2869] It was incredible I've looked myself up to see if it was accurate Wait a minute Who the fuck do you talk to that does that If they do that, stop talking about it all the time Like It's not bullshit Well, first of all Have you checked it?

[2870] No Check it right now and see if it's close I don't even know I might be off by a million I have my cousins Check it I'm not even gonna My cousin's a cop in Florida I couldn't get less I won't even give it any attention But to see if it's accurate Why?

[2871] The substantiated Who cares?

[2872] My point is not whether or not it's accurate.

[2873] My point is, who the fuck, you tell a guy, a guy's who you're talking about, and the guy immediately goes and checks his worth.

[2874] I'll tell you who cares.

[2875] What does a moron?

[2876] Do you want me to say?

[2877] S or V. Stiviano cares.

[2878] And her name's Vanessa.

[2879] Stop saying V. By the way, it's not even her name.

[2880] Okay?

[2881] It's a fake name.

[2882] She got a bunch of aliases.

[2883] Either way.

[2884] But she branded herself as V. Stiviano.

[2885] Fuck you, you're a gold -digging cunt, but we'll go with Vanessa.

[2886] Hey, she's a nice.

[2887] nice girl who has something to offer.

[2888] Look, she's not carrying logs.

[2889] She's not being a fucking wood cutter for the mill.

[2890] Those guys don't want to be there either.

[2891] She's suck an old rich guy dick.

[2892] I appreciate a scam, but when you get busted at it, just say, yeah.

[2893] It's not a scamp.

[2894] Listen, in my opinion, it's a noble profession that's been around longer than any other profession in history.

[2895] And she's going to inspire a lot of other young girls to be yours.

[2896] Not fucking old guy.

[2897] Not fucking them all the time.

[2898] Well, look, it's all about what they're worth.

[2899] Look, if he was George Clooney, that chick would be fucking him all the time.

[2900] But he's not.

[2901] He's an 81 -year -old bag of meat.

[2902] He's an old wrinkly coin sack filled with flesh and some shitty hollow chicken bones that barely carry his old wounded hips around his fucking million -dollar mansion.

[2903] He's an old fuck, okay?

[2904] And she fucks him when she has to fuck him.

[2905] And no more and no less.

[2906] And that's what the market dictates.

[2907] Okay?

[2908] If it was George Clooney, if it was Chuck Ladell, Chuck Liddell would fuck her any time he wanted to Because he's an animal and he's alive And he's still a man This is a guy who's barely clinging on To the very cellular existence That he maintains in this dimension His body's ready to tap the fuck out So when she fucks him is when she fucks him And that's the deal You buy the Bentley You pay the Ferrari You take your fucking ride And that's how the market's set Uh There's nothing wrong what she's doing There's nothing wrong with he's doing either.

[2909] Both of them are doing fine work.

[2910] And then when you fucking tape record that guy for no reason just to fuck him over.

[2911] I don't think she tape recorded him to fuck him over.

[2912] What I understand about this story is she let the tape recording out to fuck him over.

[2913] But part of her job was to tape record him because the dude's got a job out.

[2914] Come on.

[2915] She let it out.

[2916] And then when she went on CNN, like two days later and she was on there.

[2917] No, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

[2918] She did a fucking Barbara Walter's interview.

[2919] She's going to inspire young girls all over America To be fucking old guys She's branding her own fucking dumb ass She comes out on Barbara Walters And she says I'm Mr. Sterling's right arm Right hand man It's like you whore you have one line We've taught you to say To cover this up We woodshed you on this one line She had one fucking line She was supposed to say For the news fucking sound bite And she fucked it up Are you saying you did not Look at that chick for a fraction of a second and some are up completely knowing what a horrible fucking L .A. gold digger whatever label you...

[2920] She was fishing him the whole time.

[2921] Well, no doubt.

[2922] But it's like my old bit about Anna Nicole Smith and her fucking husband, Jay Howard Marshall, that billionaire guy, that everybody was like...

[2923] No, but the idea is that, of course, that's the deal.

[2924] You're 90 fucking years old and the girl's young, that's the deal.

[2925] She took it a step beyond the deal.

[2926] Let me fucking put Andy Andrews in the mix.

[2927] Yes.

[2928] To the point where you go, okay, you stepped over the fucking man boundary of what the line is.

[2929] You don't tape me and then put that out there for no reason just to make me look like an asshole after the fact.

[2930] Yes, I agree with you.

[2931] I think that she is a bad person.

[2932] No doubt about it.

[2933] No doubt about it.

[2934] But also, he's a bad person.

[2935] And who knows what fucking chaos she grew up with.

[2936] And who knows what fucking shit he said that she didn't record?

[2937] Who knows what the fuck their relationship is?

[2938] But what I know is that like vultures, circling carrion, this is all over the news.

[2939] I mean, we're in the middle of two fucking wars.

[2940] You know, Russia is invading the Ukraine.

[2941] We got all kinds of chaos all over the world.

[2942] And everybody's focusing on nonsense.

[2943] Including us.

[2944] Yeah, it's the three -martin -carged bunch.

[2945] But what we're doing about the Ukraine.

[2946] Excuse me?

[2947] We're legitimate.

[2948] We're legitimate social commentators.

[2949] in this DNA we count as legitimate social commentators we're doing our job to point out the fruitlessness of this pursuit go out tomorrow and do something nice for someone you don't know that's my point some fucking people have a barbecue yeah don't care don't even talk about Donald Sterling buy that cave house and Bisby so I don't move in move in take those 35 acres if we could get 52 buyers one week a year that's what I'm talking about a fucking time share in a cave in Fisby I'm in for a week Call it the Mushroom Palace, when you just go to eat mushrooms and then just rent it out.

[2950] If we can make a legit deal with the police department?

[2951] No. Jesus.

[2952] Red band.

[2953] Come on.

[2954] If we can make it.

[2955] I have to, but you?

[2956] You fucking smoke cigarettes for three hours.

[2957] What are you talking about?

[2958] I don't look over there.

[2959] If we can make a legitimate deal.

[2960] That's not part of the show.

[2961] That's production.

[2962] If we can make a legitimate deal with the local government.

[2963] Just fucking, you know, somebody we know becomes mayor and work something out.

[2964] Some sort of an on -it, shamanic retreat down in Bisbee, Arizona.

[2965] If you're a mayor, you're a target.

[2966] We have a nice little underground tunnel somewhere near a cave.

[2967] I told you off the air stories.

[2968] I told you three of them about how great Bisbee is.

[2969] And I'll tell you the fourth one after we're off of you.

[2970] This is what we do.

[2971] We get someone on your death pool to be the mayor.

[2972] And we replace him with the most likely candidate every year.

[2973] So we constantly got mayors.

[2974] There's no celebrities and dying off.

[2975] Not now, but you had fucking Jake Lamata in your living room, dude.

[2976] I saw the pictures.

[2977] It's not dead yet.

[2978] That's what I'm talking about.

[2979] Jake Lamata as mayor of business.

[2980] be.

[2981] You follow what I'm saying?

[2982] It's perfect.

[2983] And then who's his vice president?

[2984] Wayne Newton.

[2985] Shit.

[2986] Somebody else is ready to fucking go.

[2987] We've talked about it.

[2988] You need to...

[2989] It's not the mayor.

[2990] Johnny Depp.

[2991] Are you partying with Johnny Depp or is that a fake Johnny Depp?

[2992] Is that a real Johnny Depp?

[2993] Who's that guy over your house?

[2994] Whatever, whatever.

[2995] I'll tell you another time.

[2996] Oh, yeah.

[2997] Oh, shit.

[2998] It's a real dog.

[2999] Oh, shit.

[3000] Okay.

[3001] So forget about Johnny Depp partying at your house.

[3002] What's, uh, you know, there's people that we can have that could be, uh, you You know, mayoral candidates to work something now.

[3003] We've got a little utopia going on here, but it's a bit of a shell game.

[3004] It's a bit of a shell game.

[3005] Right now, it's, it's utopia for me. Maybe you move in.

[3006] All the fucking vultures follow you.

[3007] I was so nice till Rogan moved in and ruined the neighborhood.

[3008] Everybody started crossfitting.

[3009] They all start running up hills and sandbags.

[3010] They're all drinking blood mixed.

[3011] Ionized water and fucking get vampire blood.

[3012] Kettle Bell Boulevard.

[3013] I like the idea.

[3014] I met Steve Byrne the other night.

[3015] It's a great guy.

[3016] I heard that Tom Rhodes is one of the...

[3017] He's got a sitcom, doesn't he?

[3018] He's got a TV show that Tom Rose is on.

[3019] Steve Byrne, I'm at a place now where I met so many comics over the years, and I'd been kind of away from them for 10 years, that I met Steve Byrne, and I assumed I knew him.

[3020] And he's like, oh, it's so nice to meet.

[3021] And I'm like, don't we already know?

[3022] know each other because you're so familiar and I was in a drunken state Tom saw me there this fucking story just got shady right I'm not buying this at all well it's like Amy Schumer I don't know if I assume I've met her because she looks familiar and now she's famous so I just assume we probably met at a festival somewhere right because she got famous like on the sneak tip early after me like after my career she was so I go we probably met at Montreal so Steve Byrne is like no I've never met you and I'm like uh I've maybe I'm just drunk I thought I did so I saw you there yeah I ran into I saw you at the improv and Steve Byrne was there also this is what Saturday night yeah I'm screaming drinks for all my friends or whatever Steve Byrne I have a lot of friends who have television shows like good friends of mine and I've never been on them Steve is a guy I know he's a friend but not like a really good friend that Saturday night you were plastered and then you left and then I was talking to him and he's when you leave in town I'm like Wednesday he goes oh that's great we tape on Tuesdays and there's a role that will be perfect for you he goes you got a second pulls out his phone calls his executive producer gets off the phone he goes we rehearsed Monday and film Tuesday and the role I went by there I met him first that night I had nothing well the role was a part of a road comic that sucks as cock It's a very complicated piece.

[3023] Back to the front desk guy blowing you for material.

[3024] Jesus Christ.

[3025] I'm going to have my teeth removed.

[3026] That is...

[3027] And...

[3028] Scene.

[3029] This is the end.

[3030] We ran out of time three hours.

[3031] We did a 500th podcast.

[3032] Wow, 500.

[3033] You gentlemen are the part of the 500th.

[3034] You ever done 500 times three hours?

[3035] Does I see what that...

[3036] I don't think it really is three hours, because I think a lot of them are two.

[3037] but there's most of them are three.

[3038] The majority of them, probably like 80%.

[3039] This is the end.

[3040] This is the end.

[3041] My only friend.

[3042] Where are you going, bitch?

[3043] Asia.

[3044] How dare you?

[3045] I went to Asia for a month.

[3046] How dare you, Tom Rhodes?

[3047] No, I'm going to Hawaii.

[3048] Maybe it will be on the same flight.

[3049] That makes sense.

[3050] They're going to layover?

[3051] Same direction.

[3052] No. Layover in Honolulu.

[3053] Where are you going to Hawaii?

[3054] Are you doing gigs?

[3055] No. You ever do a gig?

[3056] Mileage grab.

[3057] I needed to do.

[3058] Yeah, last time I was...

[3059] You met a front desk guy.

[3060] You blew you.

[3061] Myelage grab.

[3062] I go through Hawaii and And I just tweeted, hey, I'm going to Hawaii, set me up with a gig, anyone.

[3063] And within, like, I think 12 hours it was done.

[3064] Wow.

[3065] And so I tried it again with it.

[3066] I didn't actually tweet it.

[3067] This time I went back to the same guy.

[3068] Well, Eddie Ift is there that night.

[3069] Well, that's because they saw your council meeting.

[3070] I saw that.

[3071] Well, no, I'm going to see Eddie Yift.

[3072] Hey, there's my plug.

[3073] Well, I have some dates coming up in Seattle and Portland and shit in June.

[3074] Go to my website.

[3075] But go see Eddie Ift in Honolulu on Saturday night.

[3076] See me in Seoul Korea next week?

[3077] This Saturday?

[3078] This Saturday coming out?

[3079] Yeah.

[3080] I don't know what that date is.

[3081] Well, just Google it.

[3082] Make sure the date is correct.

[3083] I'll be seeing Eddie Ift.

[3084] There you go, ladies and gentlemen.

[3085] I'll be in the audience.

[3086] Happy to be there.

[3087] Tom Rhodes is underscore Tom R -H -O -D -E -S.

[3088] Whoever the fuck this original Tom Rhodes is that got it?

[3089] I don't know.

[3090] I remember you told me once you go, you shouldn't use underscore.

[3091] No one can figure out where to.

[3092] I had a hard time finding you.

[3093] I said that...

[3094] I don't want anyone to follow me who can't find underscore.

[3095] I said that about both of you recently on a podcast.

[3096] Like, why don't you have your fucking audience go after whoever has Tom Rhodes...

[3097] I mean, Joe Rogan .com and fucking just assassinate until he gives up the website.

[3098] He's a nice old dude who happens to be older than me and he's been Joe Rogan longer than I have.

[3099] Fuck him.

[3100] He wanted to sell to me. He wanted to sell to me, but he wanted a lot of money.

[3101] Tomroads .com gave me, tomroads .com.

[3102] That's glorious.

[3103] Said all I had to do was give him free tickets for life whenever I played in Dallas.

[3104] That's actually pretty good.

[3105] And he's a real estate guy in Dallas.

[3106] Oh, that's cool.

[3107] Yours is a real estate guy, too.

[3108] Mine's a real estate guy.

[3109] Boise.

[3110] Boiseado.

[3111] Kill the landlords.

[3112] Fuck property.

[3113] Fuck property.

[3114] Fuck property.

[3115] Except for the cave house.

[3116] Except for the cave house.

[3117] It only takes Bitcoins.

[3118] That's the shamanic center.

[3119] Once we get the fucking raging bull to be the mayor, we have the old rules changed.

[3120] That's it.

[3121] This podcast is over.

[3122] have been the 500th one.

[3123] We, uh, we thank you very much for all of it.

[3124] It's been a, it's ridiculous.

[3125] We started out in a living room, just fucking around with a laptop, and, uh, now it's become something that's completely out of our hands.

[3126] It's, it's, it's, it's on you guys as much as it is me. Uh, and, uh, I appreciate the fuck at all you.

[3127] And I, I can't say anything without sounding rehearsed and insincere, but, uh, I couldn't be, uh, more honest about it.

[3128] You sound so ting and legal zoom to me. Well, legal zoom is next.

[3129] It's, it's, it's, you know, it's, you know, it's, it's, Go to legalzoom .com, use the code word Rogan.

[3130] Save yourself some money.

[3131] Go to Rogan.

[3132] Dotting .com.

[3133] Save 25 bucks.

[3134] Go to Legal Zoom and use the password norm.

[3135] 500 episodes, you dirty fucks.

[3136] We appreciate you.

[3137] That's such a wicked inside joke that if anyone gets it, I'll give you a free ticket.

[3138] Doug Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen, go to Doug Stanhope .com and leave your feces in brown paper bags.

[3139] 212 Van Dyke.

[3140] In E -4.

[3141] Yeah, go visit him.

[3142] He doesn't believe people will visit them, but people, please visit him.

[3143] just once for once in life follow his schedule find out the days that are off email him he'll email you back show up and uh bring beef jerky we love the fuck out of you we'll see you soon bye bye much love you got us something to say uh Friday uh will be in Vegas with uh Tony Hinchcliff and Saratiana Friday Vegas go it's at a pool hall too bring your chalk chalk there is very slippery right good pool player