The Good Place Week: D'Arcy Carden

[0] Hello, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dan Rathers, and this is Manika Lily Padman.

[2] Lily Pad.

[3] Yeah.

[4] I just cheated everyone because I didn't remember Monica's middle name Lily seconds ago.

[5] And then I blundered in the introduction.

[6] We had to reset.

[7] Now I'm cheating and acting like I remembered it.

[8] Yeah.

[9] How dare you?

[10] What a scumbag.

[11] What a scummy scumbag.

[12] Scummy McSumbag.

[13] You belong in the bad place.

[14] I do.

[15] Speaking of the bad place and the good place and good police.

[16] Good Place Week.

[17] We have Darcy Cardin on.

[18] Everyone's favorite robot, Janet.

[19] Yeah.

[20] Very compelling robot.

[21] Very.

[22] Almost human -like.

[23] Not since Small Wonder, do I think I've liked a robot so much?

[24] Is that the name of the show that had a girl robot?

[25] I've never heard of that.

[26] I barely know.

[27] I don't know why you would know.

[28] Wally.

[29] 40 years older than you.

[30] Yeah, Wally.

[31] Or when I was a kid's short circuit, Johnny 5, very likable robot.

[32] Johnny 5 is alive.

[33] On Friends, there's a robot for a few episodes.

[34] Mack and...

[35] I'm sorry, his name is Cheese.

[36] And he's a robot that Joey plays opposite.

[37] And the show is called Mac and Cheese.

[38] And what have you said?

[39] The show is called Friends.

[40] Well, at any rate, enough about Friends.

[41] We're talking about the good place.

[42] It's Good Place Week.

[43] We're coming hot on the heels of Grandpa Ted.

[44] That's right.

[45] We call them that lovingly, because our children call them Grandpa Ted.

[46] Puppet Ted.

[47] That's right, Puppet Ted.

[48] But today we have Darcy.

[49] She is spectacular on the show.

[50] She's spectacular in real life.

[51] I hope you enjoy this ray of sunshine, Darcy Cardin.

[52] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and add free right now.

[53] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[54] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[55] He's an armchair expert.

[56] He's an upchair expert.

[57] Darcy, welcome to armchair expert.

[58] You just walked in.

[59] First of all, first guest ever to just figure out how to get into the attic without us like getting into traffic and flagging down a car.

[60] I was, I was proud of myself as I was doing it, but also scared.

[61] Very capable.

[62] Because I had to walk up some stairs that had some spider webs on them.

[63] Well, hold on now.

[64] Don't call us out on this.

[65] Competence is sexy.

[66] For me, it might be one of my primary turn -offs is competence.

[67] That's true.

[68] Competence and confidence, yeah.

[69] The two Cs.

[70] The two big Cs.

[71] C -squared.

[72] Wait, how am I doing?

[73] Am I close enough?

[74] Can you hear me?

[75] I can't hear a thing you said.

[76] I can't think, yeah.

[77] You're reading my lips.

[78] Rob, though, is transcribing it.

[79] So in the event that your audio is no good, Monaco just read your.

[80] Let's read you aloud.

[81] It's a service we provide.

[82] You guys are good at this.

[83] Thank you so much.

[84] We're still learning.

[85] I'm a fan.

[86] You know that, right?

[87] Well, I never know.

[88] Let's just say that when you see people socially and they're like, hey, love the podcast.

[89] What else are you going to say to me?

[90] It's like the only thing I got going on in my life.

[91] That is not true, but cool.

[92] But I mean, it is like it's something that you're doing.

[93] It would be an, what have you ever called anyone out on it?

[94] No. I have a favorite episode.

[95] No. I have a funny story about that one second.

[96] So when I was on punked and the show was popular enough that I got to start taking general meetings around town, I would say at least 80 % of the meetings, the people would say, and there's generally just white dudes.

[97] And they'd be like, oh, I love the show punked.

[98] Didn't your, do you tear your ball sack?

[99] Like 70 % of the time they thought I was on jackass.

[100] Yeah, they had really no awareness of it.

[101] And did you have to just let them down gently?

[102] It was a disillusioning.

[103] I was like, oh, okay, this is how this town works.

[104] Their assistant told them you must, this show is relevant somehow.

[105] Right.

[106] You have to meet with this guy.

[107] And then, of course, they say they saw it.

[108] Love the show.

[109] Yes, literally love the show.

[110] And then didn't you ride a bull backwards or something?

[111] And then I'm like, oh, okay.

[112] Let me see that torn ball sack.

[113] Hey, I don't want to get weird, but would you mind popping out that torn ball sack that scrotal tear?

[114] But so because I think maybe because that was my initial foray and everything, I pretty much discount anything anyone sets.

[115] Right.

[116] So for real, I'm a fan.

[117] My sisters and I listen to every episode.

[118] Wait, as a team?

[119] No, although one time we did.

[120] My little sister did I listen to this, uh, um, Rogan episode together.

[121] How many sisters do you have?

[122] 17.

[123] Oh my God.

[124] I know.

[125] That's, that's average, I think.

[126] I have two.

[127] I have two sisters.

[128] Lainey and Miranda who are listening now.

[129] Oh my God.

[130] Say hi to go.

[131] Shout out.

[132] Say hi, Lainey.

[133] Hi, Miranda.

[134] Will you show me photographs of them and then I will say hi, Lainey.

[135] Hi, Lainie.

[136] Say hi Miranda.

[137] Hi Miranda.

[138] Yeah.

[139] What beautiful names.

[140] Lainie, Miranda, and Darcy.

[141] Yeah, and then we have brother Will.

[142] Oh, he just got the normie.

[143] Pedestrian.

[144] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[145] The beautiful normal name.

[146] We also call Miranda Mimo.

[147] Mimo as an adult to this day.

[148] Is she pursuing acting?

[149] She's not.

[150] Nobody else in my family is pursuing acting.

[151] Is pursuant?

[152] Is pursuant of this dumb thing.

[153] She is, she just graduated.

[154] coding school.

[155] Oh, my goodness.

[156] Opposite, basically, of your endeavor.

[157] Yeah, totally.

[158] She's a computer programmer.

[159] Yeah, she's cool as hell.

[160] What is her goal?

[161] I don't know.

[162] To save the world.

[163] We need coders.

[164] Yeah, I mean, I only...

[165] Do we?

[166] Yeah.

[167] Because are you like, what is it exactly?

[168] It's a race.

[169] It's a race with the other nations.

[170] Oh, okay.

[171] I just wanted to hear why Monica was so certain that that was something we needed.

[172] Because more computer stuff, it's just counterintuitive to me to hear you say that we We need more computer stuff.

[173] Oh, right, right.

[174] You know, I would have thought, like, we need more paintings or more dancing.

[175] No, I don't care about that.

[176] Okay.

[177] More orgies.

[178] I don't care about that.

[179] Do you know what she wants to ultimately, she wants to write a program that will eradicate?

[180] Oh, keep going.

[181] She's, this is sort of new for her.

[182] It's like a new career path where she sort of discovered it recently where she was asking a friend what coding even was.

[183] And when they described it, she was like, no, that kind of make sense to me. And then she watched.

[184] some YouTube tutorials and it totally clicked.

[185] Oh.

[186] And then she like signed up for class immediately and like graduated the top of her damn class.

[187] Wow.

[188] How long does that take?

[189] Because the way you're telling the story, I'm like, was this a two week endeavor?

[190] I think it's like three months or four months.

[191] Oh, really?

[192] Yeah, it was quick.

[193] And she can fully write software now.

[194] Oh.

[195] She's like a little dolphin in the water.

[196] She's like a little dolphin in the water.

[197] Oh my God.

[198] She's waking away.

[199] The ones in zero's water.

[200] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[201] I wish I had a, she's like my best friend and I don't know how.

[202] how to explain, you know, like, my siblings and I are super close and, I mean, don't ask me to describe their jobs.

[203] Ask me to describe their hearts.

[204] Well, that was my second question.

[205] Could you describe your sister's hearts to me?

[206] What's the age difference?

[207] Laney is 16 months older than me?

[208] Maybe 18.

[209] Oh, wow.

[210] Your mom and dad really went at it quickly.

[211] Oh, yeah.

[212] Let's talk about that.

[213] Yeah, let's talk about their coitus.

[214] And then my brother's three years younger than me and then Miranda, Mimo, is nine years younger than me. Oh.

[215] And you guys are close.

[216] As close as can be.

[217] It almost, it doesn't even make sense.

[218] That makes me feel guilty.

[219] Well, I would imagine it was triggering.

[220] I was going to let you take that.

[221] Yeah, because a lot of times you can just chalk that age gap up to like, well, it's like an aunt or like, you know.

[222] Yeah.

[223] You never were really in the same house at the same time.

[224] I mean, you guess you were.

[225] We just, we were close since she was a baby.

[226] Would you say it started at least or still is a maternity?

[227] kind of relationship.

[228] Yeah, she was mine.

[229] Uh -huh.

[230] And my older sister, Laining, I think, would describe it the same way, but we felt like this is our baby.

[231] Yeah.

[232] We will protect and raise her.

[233] Uh -huh.

[234] And instill in her values that will one day result in coding.

[235] Yeah.

[236] Which I can't explain.

[237] Were your mom and dad busy?

[238] They were.

[239] I mean, busy with four kids.

[240] In bed?

[241] In bed.

[242] Monica.

[243] Sorry.

[244] I'm out of here.

[245] Sorry.

[246] So sorry.

[247] Where are you from?

[248] I'm from the Bay Area.

[249] We shot the pilot of parenthood in Marin, not the show.

[250] It was at Universal, but the house that was our parents' house on the show, the house they rented for the shoot.

[251] These people had seven or eight fully mature redwoods in their yard, which just seemed impossible.

[252] Like no one can have a redwood tree in their yard, like a thousand years.

[253] You did?

[254] Was it a thousand years old?

[255] I don't know.

[256] Did it predate Christ?

[257] Some of those trees predate Christ.

[258] It may have predated Christ.

[259] But wait, I'm like, B .C. It was.

[260] PDC trees for sale.

[261] You know how Monica does fact checks at the end?

[262] Can she fact check me too?

[263] Oh, yeah.

[264] You need to give her your permission, which she just did.

[265] I think we had three redwoods in our.

[266] Oh, my God.

[267] It's totally off topic.

[268] Have you ever been flipping through the channels and stumbled upon one of those lumberjack contests like on ESPN?

[269] Holy smokes.

[270] Yeah.

[271] What are those guys doing?

[272] Have you seen one, Monica?

[273] Never.

[274] One of the contests or the events is cutting like a basically a redwood or a sequoia.

[275] Just a huge tree.

[276] You have to cut off chunks of it, right?

[277] These guys have chainsaws that have boat engines on them.

[278] And watching them operate them is the most terrifying thing in the world.

[279] And they will cut through this tree like nine times and 20 seconds.

[280] And it's, I imagined so much harder than it even looks.

[281] Absolutely.

[282] Right.

[283] I've never tried to cut a tree.

[284] with a chainsaw.

[285] Right.

[286] Or anything.

[287] Not even an axe.

[288] But I think it's really, really super hard.

[289] So I hear.

[290] Or it on the street is it's hard to do.

[291] My husband just did that.

[292] Let's talk about your husband.

[293] He's such a babe.

[294] Holy smokes.

[295] He's really, really.

[296] I don't want to say shockingly good looking as if you shouldn't have gotten him.

[297] But just like when you see him, he takes your breath away a little bit.

[298] Actually, it's funny that you say that because when I met him, my thought was, this guy is too good looking to even be my friend.

[299] Oh, Oh, oh wow.

[300] You're fine.

[301] You're beautiful.

[302] Well, I don't, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm normal.

[303] You're built like a brick shit house.

[304] No, don't ever say that.

[305] No, that's actually, that's great.

[306] I love that.

[307] You probably wouldn't have heard that, but we had this, that's a compliment to me. Me too.

[308] Okay, I described this friend we have in common as her being built like a brick shit house.

[309] And Monica's like, that is the most offensive compliment.

[310] It probably is, but I love it.

[311] it's like, yeah, girl.

[312] People agreed with me. Yeah, no, I think you're probably right, Monica, but there's something about that where I'm like, that's all I got, so I'll take it.

[313] Where did you first lock eyes with them?

[314] We literally locked eyes at Disneyland, weirdly enough.

[315] We were there with mutual friends.

[316] And, I mean, I guess, I was about to say long story short.

[317] There's not much of a story to it.

[318] He was, he was L .A. friends with these people, and I was like childhood friends with.

[319] these people.

[320] So I was going to Disneyland with them.

[321] And so I met him at Disneyland.

[322] And I only knew this, my mutual friend.

[323] He had like his whole group of friends there.

[324] So I was a little bit of like the odd man out.

[325] And he was really nice to me. That's a great place to meet someone because you're going to be together for like eight hours and you're going to be standing in line.

[326] Yeah.

[327] So it's like there's all these excuses to just be shooting the shit.

[328] Yes, definitely.

[329] And we even had a moment that I totally remember where we were we had to sit next to each other on a ride.

[330] Oh, yeah.

[331] Oh my God.

[332] Which was like a little sweet.

[333] Yeah.

[334] It was a little sweet.

[335] You're at Disneyland.

[336] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[337] And you guys, do you guys kind of, and you keep ending up maybe next to each other in line?

[338] Yeah.

[339] And do you remember some of the topics you guys were bonding over?

[340] Um, I do, I mean, no, it's funny.

[341] It's so, it feels so long ago.

[342] And it also, I wasn't clocking him as like my future boyfriend.

[343] I truly was like, I can't believe this guy's even given me the time of day.

[344] Oh, okay.

[345] I'm, I'm like a, I'm like a. I'm like a. I'm like a. I'm like a. I'm, I'm like a. I'm, a. I'm like, a. I'm like, I'm like, a. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I big, weird, like, but I mean, a little bit.

[346] Sure, sure, sure.

[347] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[348] And I also, I'm fine.

[349] I like, like myself.

[350] Yeah.

[351] But I was like, this guy is not going to be, this, I'm not hit.

[352] I'm not for him.

[353] Okay.

[354] Listen, I felt that way many times.

[355] Totally.

[356] But you have, you have the gift of gab and you're really funny.

[357] So really the sky's the limit.

[358] Right.

[359] Yeah, he does, he recalls like a sort of loud burp that I did, which to me now I'm like, Jesus Christ, but I'm sure at the time I was being just charming as hell.

[360] But he remembers being like, this girl's funny.

[361] Yeah, he recalls that I was funny.

[362] Again, that goes back to your confidence thing.

[363] So if you let out a big belch, were you getting into some of the funner food over at Disneyland?

[364] Like the cheese on a stick, weird, like a corn dog.

[365] The corn dog at Disneyland is not to be missed.

[366] It's beautiful.

[367] Yeah.

[368] It's a beautiful snack.

[369] And had you consumed a few corn dogs?

[370] I may have.

[371] No, probably not a few.

[372] I guess what I'm, let me just cut to the chase.

[373] Did you force his burp out or was it?

[374] Inevitable.

[375] It wouldn't have been an accident.

[376] It would not have been an accident.

[377] Okay, right.

[378] You made a choice.

[379] Sometimes it's fun to, like, push one out for comic effect, right?

[380] And you can do that on demand.

[381] You can?

[382] Yeah.

[383] Oh, I'm so jealous.

[384] Will you pop one out right?

[385] No. Please?

[386] Wait, I mean, like, no. I, uh, can you imagine, like, driving in your car right now or, like, running on the treadmill and all of a sudden, like, a big, loud, like, Simpsons burp comes in your Arizona?

[387] I can imagine that because I was doing the O 'Reilly.

[388] theme song and I change it to maybe the singer was clearing their throat as part of the O O 'O, O 'O, right.

[389] So instead of, you know, it goes, O 'O, O 'O, O 'Reilly.

[390] What if it went?

[391] Riley was the song.

[392] And I couldn't stop doing it.

[393] Riley.

[394] Yours is great.

[395] It really makes sense what you do it one more time.

[396] Riley.

[397] I really hope something.

[398] somehow the folks at O 'Reilly will get word of this and just try one.

[399] Even if it's like in a small market.

[400] Come on.

[401] Give us a call.

[402] It could be really viral.

[403] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[404] What is it?

[405] Oh, someone's clearing their throat.

[406] Oh, it's the O 'Roy.

[407] I recognize this.

[408] Fuck, I need a distributor.

[409] I hadn't even, I was trying to remember to get a distributor.

[410] Oh, this is some free press for them right now.

[411] They are so lucky.

[412] All right.

[413] Dax, you're built like a bridge shit house.

[414] Oh, my God.

[415] Thank you so much.

[416] I think it is meant for men.

[417] What's that?

[418] Yeah, it definitely is.

[419] And really what does it mean?

[420] I mean, I know what it means, but if we sort of break it down, built like a brick, okay, a brick house, right?

[421] Shit house.

[422] Why shit house?

[423] An outhouse.

[424] Ew.

[425] Yeah, so I was just explaining it to Monica.

[426] It really, what it does is it's playing heavily on the three little pigs.

[427] Okay.

[428] So you had a straw house, a wood house, and a brick house.

[429] And the brick house was the best, the most well -built house.

[430] Right.

[431] And so, and then traditionally, you know, shithouses, outhouses were just really flimsy, lean to a few pieces of wood.

[432] Yeah, you just pointed to my future house.

[433] Yeah.

[434] No, there is a portable.

[435] There is a portable potty out there.

[436] So I just think it's, you know, like anyone who would take the time to build a brick shit house, it's just a very well -built, premium construction.

[437] Can you imagine like breaking up with somebody and just being like, you're built like a straw shit house?

[438] This isn't going to work for me. No, that's just funny.

[439] It is interesting because I do bet if you went like on Jay Leno on the streets, right, we went to Universal City Walk and just started asking people, would you rather be described as a straw shithouse or a brick shit house?

[440] There'd probably be no uniformity.

[441] Straw.

[442] You think people would.

[443] You'd want straw.

[444] And tell me why.

[445] Because there's also something about the combination between brick and shit in one phrase.

[446] It's like a big shit.

[447] Like the mortar is actually made of shit.

[448] Like a big old shit.

[449] A brick of shit.

[450] A brick of shit.

[451] Shitting a brick.

[452] Shitting a brick.

[453] Wait a second.

[454] Hold on.

[455] So then it's like you're a bit, you look like a big piece of shit.

[456] Okay.

[457] Well, hold on.

[458] No one looks like a piece of shit.

[459] But I guess what I'm asking is, do you think by chance that because there's mortar involved in bricks in between the bricks, that you're thinking somehow that's shit and that in a straw construction, there's no even place for shit.

[460] I mean, shit would be great with straw, right?

[461] It would hold it together.

[462] Actually, shit would be better with straw than brick.

[463] Well, and often you'll be in a cow pasture.

[464] Sure.

[465] And you'll see their excrement.

[466] Yes, you will.

[467] They're dung.

[468] Yeah.

[469] And it'll have chunks of straw in it.

[470] Like, it was not digested properly.

[471] I think when, I mean, I know this is so goofy because we're talking about when Dax said that I'm built like a brick shit house and we're still talking about it.

[472] But it is a thing where I, like, it isn't, I think being like an athletic child and being a tall woman and not being built of.

[473] straw, so to speak.

[474] For me personally, I have really decided that it's okay to not be built like straw.

[475] Yeah.

[476] For me, you know, where maybe I had like issues with it when I was younger now, I'm kind of like, I am what I am.

[477] Pop -I.

[478] I am's what I am.

[479] Which is exactly how everyone should feel.

[480] Right, but it maybe takes a while to get to your own, whatever it is, whatever, whatever Piggy's house you want, you are built like.

[481] I want to go back to Disneyland.

[482] You had, you had pounded a few corn dogs, maybe some soda, there's bubbles.

[483] You choose to embrace this burp that you let out and your future mate, he digs it.

[484] Because it is a display of confidence because it's a lot of, you know what, all people be afraid to burp in front of someone they liked.

[485] Right, right.

[486] So it's a real display.

[487] I think you're right.

[488] You fanned out your peacock feathers.

[489] Yeah.

[490] And do you think that was one of the moments for him that he clicked in?

[491] Weirdly, I do.

[492] I think, yeah, I think he, if he was here right now, he would probably say, like, that wasn't the type of girl he was hanging out with.

[493] You know what I mean?

[494] He was hanging out with, like, some real hot L .A. girls that probably weren't doing a lot for his, like, brain, his fun brain or whatever.

[495] Right, right.

[496] His upper brain.

[497] A lot for his lower brain.

[498] His northern brain, yeah, yeah.

[499] So much for his lower brain.

[500] Oh, my God.

[501] Lower brains, maybe.

[502] They couldn't stop doing things from his lower brain.

[503] But, but, yeah, so I think he, He was, I think his thought that day was kind of like, who is this weirdo?

[504] I like this weirdo, which he would, which he still does like that.

[505] I advise men and women to take those swings.

[506] Because even if they backfire, you've basically just weeded out a good chunk of people you don't really want to be with.

[507] I totally agree.

[508] I totally.

[509] And there's, you know, with dating and with like, what do I hide from him or her and what, when do I tell them this weird thing about me?

[510] It's like, get to it.

[511] Like, let's not do this.

[512] slow reveal.

[513] Let's figure this out.

[514] Yes.

[515] Do you think, and this is now more of a Howard Stern question, that had you tuted, he might have asked you to marry him on the spot?

[516] Because that would be the ultimate swing.

[517] Well, here's, here, okay, here's a weird thing.

[518] Okay, good.

[519] Have you just talked about this on the show before?

[520] I think you have.

[521] Jason and I don't fart in front of each other.

[522] Oh my goodness.

[523] How do you exist?

[524] How do we exist?

[525] Are you constantly leaving the room and going it in the backyard?

[526] I honestly don't think either of us are big tutors in general.

[527] Lucky you.

[528] I mean, not to say we don't.

[529] Do you have a specific diet I don't know about?

[530] Yeah.

[531] No, we don't.

[532] Well, we just learned you eat corn dogs when the occasion calls for it.

[533] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[534] Yeah, we don't really, we're not, I don't know why.

[535] We, we, we are a normal, healthy couple.

[536] We pee in front of each other.

[537] Okay.

[538] Burp in front of each other.

[539] Do you go poop in front of each other?

[540] We do not poop in front of each other.

[541] But maybe I don't poop in front of anyone ever in life ever.

[542] Okay, okay.

[543] All right.

[544] Yeah, absolutely.

[545] Yeah, I would say, I would say if I really, if someone charted it and we had a race you have how much time Kristen and I are spent talking.

[546] Yeah.

[547] Because she's out, she's busy during the day.

[548] I'm busy.

[549] And then we have the kids, right?

[550] So the actual one -on -one chatting time is, I bet it's in the 15 % of either she's on the can or I'm on the can.

[551] Okay, what?

[552] Okay, let's.

[553] And she pooped in front of me within, I'd say, the first eight weeks of dating.

[554] I'm so in love with her.

[555] And by the way, I'm like, I'm a very innately codependent person.

[556] So that would be a deal breaker.

[557] The thing you guys got going, it would be.

[558] somebody like, you're definitely uncomfortable.

[559] I can't accept that I'm somehow making you uncomfortable.

[560] You're going to have to fart and you're going to have to poop.

[561] Let's just do this.

[562] We all, well, we also we don't hide the poop, right?

[563] We're not like, I'm going to, no we do it.

[564] Hiding the poop is flushing.

[565] You display the poop but you won't do it.

[566] Right, but we are not like, I need some alone time.

[567] You know, it's like I'm going to poop right now.

[568] And then I close the door.

[569] Okay.

[570] And it would be your preference that he probably doesn't go in there for some period of time afterwards.

[571] I mean, he doesn't care.

[572] This is the weird thing is like we don't care but we still do this.

[573] Again, this keeps coming back to Stern and I wish it weren't, but he's a big proponent of never pooping in front of each other.

[574] He thinks it's a great way to keep things sexy.

[575] I don't require something to keep it sexy.

[576] Like, I'm horny and that's that.

[577] Like, I don't think if she could poop in the kitchen floor, I'd be bombed.

[578] But it'd still be horny.

[579] Yeah, you'd have a burner while you're cleaning it up.

[580] For some reason.

[581] Why?

[582] Yes.

[583] But also in the very early stages of dating, we went away to do this movie together.

[584] And we both got the worst food.

[585] Well, I wasn't food poisoning.

[586] It was some kind of flu.

[587] That'll do it.

[588] Right.

[589] And we were sharing an apartment.

[590] We're like six weeks into dating.

[591] And just she needed my assistants at times.

[592] And like once that event happened, like forget it.

[593] Yeah.

[594] It's a weird thing.

[595] I really, I can't like emphasize this enough.

[596] We don't care.

[597] If he did, I would laugh.

[598] Sure.

[599] If I did, he would laugh.

[600] but we just, it's like a bridge that, I don't know, we've been together for over a decade.

[601] Over a decade.

[602] And have you not had to care for one another during some flu symptoms?

[603] We have, but not like a diarrhea situation.

[604] Okay.

[605] Yeah.

[606] That person just, they get private with that.

[607] I guess.

[608] Okay.

[609] And that's great.

[610] Is it?

[611] Yes.

[612] I don't think there's a right or a wrong answer.

[613] I'm sure people think, well, we're doing this wrong.

[614] Yeah.

[615] In our group of friends, we've talked about this farting thing a lot because like half of us do and half of us don't.

[616] I just can't imagine.

[617] You must.

[618] Well, here's my other, again, I'm going to project.

[619] Yeah.

[620] Maybe you don't fart.

[621] And maybe that's true for you.

[622] You would know how.

[623] Do you think you could put a number on it per day?

[624] Could you put a number on yours for day?

[625] I would say it's in the 20s.

[626] Great.

[627] Yeah.

[628] I'm sure.

[629] I'm a normal amount.

[630] Okay.

[631] But I'm not like pumping them out.

[632] Okay.

[633] You're not a fart factory.

[634] I'm not a far factory.

[635] Okay.

[636] But there's no way to know that your husband's not.

[637] Right.

[638] He's telling you this.

[639] But I find a very, it just.

[640] The cynic in me is a little suspicious that he doesn't have fart.

[641] But he doesn't have a reason to like lie because I'm not like, do not fart in front of me. Or he doesn't.

[642] Honey, did you just close to us?

[643] It really isn't like that.

[644] I think, I do think since we've had a dog, it's like made it easier to sneak him out.

[645] Okay, all right.

[646] Okay.

[647] What are we talking about?

[648] Okay, let's go back to the Bay area, the city by the Bay.

[649] Somewhere around Oakland.

[650] Yeah.

[651] Might be north or south.

[652] It is east.

[653] Bay.

[654] So I grew up in a town called Danville, which is, like, it's Walnut Creek, Danville, Wafiette area.

[655] And was there an industry there?

[656] Did your folks do something that specifically required you live in Danville?

[657] Yeah.

[658] Well, my dad and mom started, this is pretty cool.

[659] Okay, ready for this cool shit?

[660] My mom and dad started this music magazine in the 70s.

[661] Really?

[662] Yes, called Bam, which stood for Bay Area music.

[663] Oh, sure.

[664] And so it was, and, you know, in the 60s and 70s, like the Bay Area music scene, and the 80s and 90s.

[665] The Bay Area music scene is like very cool.

[666] Uh -huh.

[667] And so they started this magazine and it did really well.

[668] It was like, you know, that was our whole deal.

[669] That was our whole, you know, that's how we lived.

[670] Were the hours long?

[671] Like, what's the life of someone running a publication?

[672] I mean, was mom or dad the editor?

[673] Were they co -editors?

[674] Dad was.

[675] Mom was like, mom was raising four kids and also like, I, she was like the, I wouldn't say like the brains behind, but, You know, she was very involved, but still kind of at home and kind of at work.

[676] Flexible schedule.

[677] And once she had four kids, it was like a lot of, a lot of at home.

[678] And if you're a magazine covering music, I assume then they have to go to concerts late at night.

[679] Like it's a, yeah, which was great because they took us.

[680] So we were going to concerts from, I think my first concert, I was like five.

[681] And what kind of music was this magazine covering?

[682] I know I understand Bay Area, but specifically like the punk scene or the...

[683] I think it was like a lot of rock and roll.

[684] Okay.

[685] And then also like into the 90s it was like hip hop and rap too.

[686] And punk and you know like a cover would be like Qie Lewis in the 80s or like journey or like or I mean I was or you know like in the sort of 90s grungy area it was a lot of like.

[687] Nirvana mud honey.

[688] Whoa.

[689] Good job.

[690] Okay.

[691] From Nirvana to mud honey.

[692] The range, Dax.

[693] I discovered Nirvana through going to a mud honey concert.

[694] Is that true?

[695] Yes.

[696] They played smells like teen spirits over like waiting.

[697] for the show to begin and we're all like, what is that song?

[698] Don't you remember that feeling?

[699] Oh, probably more than any other song the first time I heard it.

[700] Where were you?

[701] I was at my friend Lauren La Hive's house.

[702] And I...

[703] Lauren La Hive?

[704] La Hive.

[705] L -A -H -I -V -E.

[706] Oh, wow.

[707] The Hive?

[708] I guess.

[709] Okay.

[710] And a girl I haven't spoken to since high school, but so big shout out to Lauren La Hive.

[711] And I heard the song and I loved it and it rocked my world and I could only picture like like poison or or or rat yeah like pictured huge hair and like spandex and like ripped night you know the like yeah poison I guess is who I'm thinking of it and then tassels hanging out the shirts right so when I saw what they looked like I didn't I mean they delivered right visually my life changed it is suspicious and maybe it's not suspicious but most of those like pearl jam those guys were good looking soundguard and they were fucking good looking nirvana this good what are the odds that you're you can sing like Chris Cornell and you look like Chris Cornell.

[712] I don't know.

[713] It's kind of like Jordan being so good looking.

[714] It's suspicious.

[715] Right.

[716] And then you think of all the people that are not good looking that are maybe that talented that just don't get the opportunity.

[717] Is that what is happening?

[718] I mean, I'm sure there's some like, uh -go dude out there who can sing like a motherfucker.

[719] Yeah, that we just don't give the chance.

[720] Well, and I brought this up, and this is not to say he's ugly, but it is to say that they wouldn't let him be on his album covers.

[721] And that was Christopher Cross in the 80s sailing.

[722] Maybe I need to see a picture of him because I think he didn't have thick hair.

[723] Yeah.

[724] And that's my way of saying.

[725] I think he was bald man. Yeah, and they kept them off his album covers.

[726] But what a beautiful voice.

[727] Yes, and people, I think the women, again, I'm making some huge assumptions here, but I have to imagine women liked Christopher Cross a little more than men.

[728] Even if men liked it, they probably publicly weren't saying they loved it.

[729] Right, because it's like a little sound.

[730] Like I loved Whitney Houston, but in high school I wasn't advertising that to any of my bros. Right.

[731] I wish you did.

[732] Well, truth but told Aaron Weekly and I, my best friend, we're driving down the road and it was around Christmas, time and fucking uh and uh came on the radio and it was literally that scene out of tommy boy where like i didn't turn it and he didn't say turn it and then about mid song i just go to him fucking love this song and he goes oh my god my sister got this tape for christmas and i've been listening to it when she leaves best friends yes it was great best friends soulmates okay so anyways yes these guys were gorgeous but you heard the song oh yeah and i and it did change my life i would say that my like my identity as a junior hire was like very wraps up in like alternative music.

[733] I wouldn't have guessed that about you.

[734] This is a fun discovery.

[735] Yeah.

[736] I was so deeply, deeply obsessed with Pearl Jam and Eddie Bedford.

[737] You were.

[738] So hardcore.

[739] Yeah, there was there was a ton of great music and also like.

[740] And did you collect records?

[741] Did you have band T -shirts?

[742] Was this your full identity?

[743] We, it was also wrapped up in my parents because we, you know, We were very involved in their work, I guess.

[744] So we would go to concerts with them.

[745] My dad would get like a box of free tape CDs records like every, you know, month before they came out.

[746] Yeah.

[747] And it would say promotional.

[748] I had like a lot of pride in what they did.

[749] Yeah, that's a really unique thing for you, for to have parents that are in the music industry in some capacity.

[750] It was very rare.

[751] Yeah.

[752] It was really a cool, it was, it was such a cool way to grow up.

[753] and I knew it then even, if that makes sense.

[754] What happened to the magazine?

[755] When the internet sort of took over.

[756] Oh, boy, I feel like something sad's coming.

[757] I mean, it was sad because it was like, I think a lot of magazines sort of folded with the internet.

[758] You know what I mean?

[759] It was like if you didn't figure that out right away.

[760] Yeah, you had to basically create an online process, right?

[761] That was similar.

[762] And then you would be giving it away, which probably felt weird.

[763] Although I should say it's a free magazine.

[764] Oh, it is.

[765] So just advertiser.

[766] Yes.

[767] Such a weird way to say it.

[768] But yeah.

[769] I always like the English pronunciation of it.

[770] Yeah.

[771] And he also had some other magazines.

[772] He had a car magazine called Drive.

[773] Swing.

[774] And a computer magazine called Microtimes.

[775] Okay.

[776] You're like a real 80s, you know.

[777] I feel like, is your dad still alive?

[778] He is.

[779] I feel like I would like him.

[780] He's great.

[781] And he's tall as hell, I would imagine?

[782] He's not tall as hell.

[783] He's normal tall.

[784] Oh.

[785] I've got some tall as hell uncles.

[786] Okay.

[787] But I've got like a, I think he's a, he's like six foot or five.

[788] And did he like smoke pot and stuff?

[789] Yeah.

[790] Oh, great.

[791] Yeah, really.

[792] Yeah, he's great.

[793] Not pathologically.

[794] Right.

[795] And casually.

[796] And also like not.

[797] Once he had kids, they, they shaped up a lot, I believe.

[798] But he's just, they're just great.

[799] They're good, amazing, wonderful people that I'm very proud are my parents.

[800] Yeah.

[801] I wish they were my parents.

[802] They sound awesome.

[803] Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

[804] What's up guys?

[805] your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[806] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[807] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest.

[808] Okay, every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[809] And I don't mean just friends.

[810] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[811] The list goes on.

[812] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[813] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

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[824] So initial really, like, fascination with music and love of music, is it coinciding with a parallel interest in movies and TV?

[825] Yeah, I think it is.

[826] It's like there was something since I was a little kid about seeing someone on a stage that like teleported me. Okay.

[827] So whether it's a concert, even like ballet or something or a play, something where I was just like, I need to be up there.

[828] Uh -huh.

[829] I would like lose my mind afterwards.

[830] I would just be in like my own little world thinking about like, what was it like to walk on that stage?

[831] And what are they doing now?

[832] Are they backstage?

[833] Are they like I just everything about that life.

[834] Yes.

[835] Yes, yes.

[836] And you, you say your brother's three years younger than you?

[837] Yeah.

[838] Okay, so you were a middle child.

[839] Do you feel like you were getting enough attention?

[840] I mean, there's not, there's no such thing.

[841] Oh, that's a great admission.

[842] You're right, because sometimes I'll complain about not getting enough attention.

[843] And it probably more is just probably honest to say like there wasn't enough attention for me. Good, good.

[844] I mean, I think I got a lot of attention and I would go over the top to get more.

[845] Uh -huh.

[846] No such thing.

[847] Generally being funny?

[848] Yeah.

[849] Okay.

[850] Are you musically yourself at all?

[851] Yes, but not in a way.

[852] Like, I, you know, only in that, like I was in a lot of musicals, but not, I'm not like.

[853] You can sing.

[854] Shall I?

[855] And we'll have you do that for you.

[856] Riley.

[857] Oh, Riley.

[858] That one was really good.

[859] Thank you.

[860] Yeah.

[861] Well, because I actually did need to clear that.

[862] So I just folded it in.

[863] I utilized that opportunity.

[864] That's really good.

[865] So you start doing what, like, a high school theater.

[866] Yeah, I started in like junior high.

[867] I started doing like community theater.

[868] But I did, wait, I'm going to adjust my headphones and I'm so scared that I'm going to lose you guys.

[869] Oh, hi.

[870] Okay.

[871] And we're back.

[872] Darcy just went 10 -1.

[873] Not 10 -2.

[874] Never 10 -2.

[875] Never 10 to.

[876] What would be the price?

[877] I want a real, real price for you to go 10 -2 right now in this room.

[878] Yeah, with us three here.

[879] And I want the real number.

[880] Because if it's low enough, I'm going to offer to you.

[881] So be warned.

[882] Okay.

[883] I'm trying to really think of the reality of sitting down on the toilet and plopping some out.

[884] Yeah, to me, a great tactic is to first think of something you really want that you don't have the money to buy.

[885] Maybe that's a house for you.

[886] It is a house, yes.

[887] It is a house for you.

[888] Yeah, and so you have a number of what you need to get.

[889] Okay.

[890] So the price would be the house that you and Kristen live in now.

[891] Okay.

[892] Okay.

[893] Okay.

[894] That's a lot of money.

[895] I would poop in front of you guys for much, much less.

[896] Yeah, me too, me too, me too.

[897] I'll take, have it like, have it like 20 ,000.

[898] 20 ,000, no. He might do.

[899] Monica's not fun to play this game with because she won't do anything for money.

[900] Like she's too principled.

[901] I try to offer her money all the time to do stuff and she just, she won't even entertain.

[902] Right.

[903] Because she knows that you might.

[904] You really won't even play the game with us, will you?

[905] I was trying to ask her how much to have sex with one of our friends.

[906] A friend that I know.

[907] I don't think you've met this friend and she just would not.

[908] Not even play.

[909] Doesn't that seem mean?

[910] Well, I mean, okay, so would it be like the friend didn't know that you were getting paid for it?

[911] Of course.

[912] Yeah, that sucks.

[913] No. And it's due, like, I don't know.

[914] You're overthinking it so much.

[915] Here's the simple premise.

[916] You wouldn't normally have sex with this person.

[917] And so what's how much to have sex with someone you wouldn't normally have sex with?

[918] Oh, interesting.

[919] It's like you have to pay someone to have sex with this person.

[920] It's just sad.

[921] You're making it way more emotional than this.

[922] It's just a very simple.

[923] You wouldn't hit yourself in the head with a pot.

[924] And I go, how much they hit yourself in the head with that pan?

[925] And you go, well, no, the pan thinks that I don't want to be hitting a head by it.

[926] Literally.

[927] No, it is.

[928] This is a real person we know in life.

[929] But you would never think, oh, the pan thinks I would never want to hit myself in the head with it.

[930] Because the pan is not a part.

[931] What are you talking about?

[932] You would have to get the person in on it, right?

[933] Oh, 100 % is fine.

[934] Everything, the transparency around across the board.

[935] It would not be great.

[936] It would not be great.

[937] I did.

[938] Like, no. Why even I, listen, we have many friends in our social circle that don't want to have sex with me at all.

[939] And then if they said, well, what's the price?

[940] Yeah, it doesn't mean they're not a, that they think I'm ugly.

[941] Right.

[942] Whatever, they don't want to have sex with me. Right.

[943] But then there's a price that they would and I get that.

[944] There's no emotional baggage for me in that.

[945] But think of the actual act, because so much of that is wrapped up and like, not say emotions, but like the feeling of being wanted.

[946] Yeah.

[947] And then you're like, I don't know.

[948] I don't know.

[949] I guess I think you guys are just really getting into how the sausage is made.

[950] And I'm just saying how much to have a bite of the yummy sausage.

[951] There's no, we don't have to worry about how we got the sausage.

[952] Right.

[953] That's a really great way of putting it.

[954] Okay, so once again, we're totally off track.

[955] It's better if it's a stranger.

[956] Yeah, getting paid to have sex with the stranger.

[957] Would you give us a price for that?

[958] Probably yeah.

[959] Okay.

[960] But I can't know the human and have that be.

[961] It would just be zero.

[962] It would just be I just would not do it.

[963] Or you would do it for free.

[964] Those would be your two options.

[965] Yeah.

[966] Okay.

[967] And for me, there's a price for every human I've ever met.

[968] Yeah.

[969] Oh, interesting.

[970] What do you mean?

[971] I'd have sex with any human being I've ever met.

[972] For free, though.

[973] You think I'd have sex with dudes for free?

[974] Maybe.

[975] You'd have to pay me a lot.

[976] I don't know.

[977] I don't want to have sex with a man. I don't know.

[978] You don't know?

[979] Now, hold on.

[980] Let's be crystal clear on all these things.

[981] Like how much to lay my face on Brad Pitt's chest with his shirt off?

[982] Free.

[983] Sure.

[984] I'm there.

[985] You want that, yeah.

[986] Why not?

[987] Right.

[988] How much to hug him with our shirts off?

[989] Great.

[990] I'm for free.

[991] Maybe I'd even pay $10.

[992] Sure, sure, sure.

[993] Some, like, some pecks on the lips.

[994] I'm there too.

[995] Great.

[996] Full -tong make out with Brad.

[997] I don't, that's, I'm out now.

[998] No. I don't believe you.

[999] I don't believe you.

[1000] I don't believe either do I. I mean, so honest.

[1001] Why would I draw the line?

[1002] But also, what if, what if it was for a movie roll?

[1003] Oh, yeah.

[1004] Do it all day long?

[1005] Cool.

[1006] I've made out with dudes.

[1007] I kissed Castillo the other day.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] So if you have done that before, why wouldn't you do that with your idol?

[1010] Well, again, I'm getting paid to do that.

[1011] I'm also trying to fulfill a desire to act.

[1012] And sometimes when I'm playing characters, they like guys.

[1013] So these are completely different things.

[1014] But just my own desire to have Brad Pitt's tongue in my mouth is zero.

[1015] To feel his lips puckered up touching mine, it's a 10.

[1016] I don't know why that's the design for me, but that is.

[1017] To go from a pucker to just a quick little fring.

[1018] Jab of this little tongue.

[1019] I mean, let's get you in that situation before you nailed out.

[1020] I think a better stepping stone would be like how much or what's your out of 10 desire that he just takes my bottom lip into his lips.

[1021] Oh, wow.

[1022] So it's not anymore.

[1023] It's not a flush kiss.

[1024] Yeah, me too.

[1025] It's not a, it's not just a flush kiss.

[1026] Right.

[1027] Now he's taking my lip into his mouth.

[1028] With maybe a little bit of teeth.

[1029] Sure.

[1030] A little nibble.

[1031] Maybe it starts soft with lips and then all of a sudden I feel some teeth.

[1032] Everybody's getting horny.

[1033] Oh, man. Everybody's getting horny.

[1034] Everybody's getting horny.

[1035] Such a narcissism.

[1036] Horny.

[1037] Disgusting.

[1038] Back to your acting career.

[1039] Oh, boy.

[1040] When do you start?

[1041] Do you announce to your parents, I'm going to pursue this?

[1042] I'm going to pursue it.

[1043] Your parents have lost the ability to object to anything because they pursued something bonkers.

[1044] And my dad was like in a rock band and like they're, I think I would love this guy.

[1045] Yeah, he's great.

[1046] Dennis, Dennis Erikin and Lori Eriken.

[1047] They're great.

[1048] I'd love to arm wrestle.

[1049] Yeah, you're going to want to arm wrestle.

[1050] And all his Turkish shirts off and holl.

[1051] Wait, is he Turkish Greek?

[1052] Turkish and Greek.

[1053] Oh, wow.

[1054] Can you even imagine?

[1055] I have one of my best friends is 100 % Greek.

[1056] Very pure, Monica.

[1057] Very pure.

[1058] We just got our 23M.

[1059] And she hated that I was saying.

[1060] that I'm very pure.

[1061] Yeah, don't say pure.

[1062] Yes, but...

[1063] Also, because I was actually...

[1064] Oh, right, right.

[1065] She's 100 % pure.

[1066] Wow.

[1067] Pure is the worst way to describe it.

[1068] It is.

[1069] It's very offensive.

[1070] And it's triggering and scary.

[1071] Yes, it is scary.

[1072] It sounds racist innately.

[1073] But it's just about the purity.

[1074] No, stop.

[1075] But there's no hierarchy to me on what...

[1076] It's not better to be 100 % Indian pure or white.

[1077] It's just purity.

[1078] But being a blonde, blue -eyed boy, it's hard to hear you.

[1079] I'm not the right person to carry the message.

[1080] I can't say it.

[1081] You're right.

[1082] That's not my place.

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] But so you say to your parents, I'm going to fucking do this.

[1085] I'm going to be an actor.

[1086] Yeah.

[1087] And did you go to college for it?

[1088] I did.

[1089] I went to college for it.

[1090] Southern Oregon University.

[1091] Oh, oh.

[1092] Ashland, Oregon.

[1093] Oh, sure.

[1094] I've driven through there a bunch of times.

[1095] If you take the back route up to Wood River, you've got to go through there.

[1096] That's right.

[1097] And it's a big like Shakespeare town.

[1098] They have that Shakespeare festival.

[1099] Yeah.

[1100] So it was like a really theatery, like a theater nerdy town.

[1101] Okay, and you were in heaven there?

[1102] I was in heaven there.

[1103] Yeah, but I also, I was in heaven there for four years, but I was like, get me to fucking New York.

[1104] Okay.

[1105] You know.

[1106] But also, I mean, I'm guessing because I know nothing about Ashland or that town or the culture there, but my assumption is they're prizing dramatic acting.

[1107] And are you probably going like, well, I don't know.

[1108] Are you feeling as confident in your dramatic work as you are your comedic work?

[1109] You know what?

[1110] I am or I was like the, yeah.

[1111] I didn't know what, how do I put this?

[1112] I knew that I was funny and I knew that I could act funny on stage, but I didn't want to be a stand -up comedian, so I didn't know that there was even another row.

[1113] Yeah.

[1114] What about Saturday Night Live?

[1115] I guess that was an option or that was like a, you know, that was a thought.

[1116] It was like you could do that.

[1117] And obviously like I watched sitcoms and stuff, so I knew you could, I don't know, I don't know what I. I was like, to be an actor, you must study Shakespeare.

[1118] and the straight plays and like be competent in in all acting.

[1119] That was like what I was dead set on.

[1120] And I think for some reason that was like instilled in me early, maybe in like high school theater or something.

[1121] Okay.

[1122] Something.

[1123] Right.

[1124] Which is, you know, obviously as we know now, not.

[1125] Well, some of us have become employed without any Shakespeare knowledge.

[1126] Yeah, exactly.

[1127] I mean, so many of us have.

[1128] I couldn't get past the reading of it.

[1129] Like as a dyslexic, I was like, no, I don't understand a fucking thing that's being sad.

[1130] And then you feel like you're reading another language.

[1131] language.

[1132] Yes, and that I would be saying words I actually don't understand.

[1133] Like, that's impressive to me. People can do it.

[1134] I just, for me, it was like learning to read music or something.

[1135] I can't do it.

[1136] And there was different levels even like in my college of people who like really understood it.

[1137] People were, there was like this big festival, the big Shakespeare festival.

[1138] It was almost like, um, um, what's the word for money, money, money, money.

[1139] You, you, you, De Niro.

[1140] Yeah, great words both.

[1141] But like, you're, um, to understand and be good at Shakespeare in that town was like currency.

[1142] Currency.

[1143] So, but then get, and it was great and it was, you know, it was a great education.

[1144] Uh -huh.

[1145] And then I moved to New York and was like, what do I do with this?

[1146] Right.

[1147] Yeah.

[1148] You know what I mean?

[1149] Yeah.

[1150] And by the way, there was so much more than just Shakespeare.

[1151] We were doing, we were doing like theater top to bottom.

[1152] Okay.

[1153] And there was one class that was called, but this was just like a snooty college.

[1154] And it was great.

[1155] Yeah.

[1156] But there was a class that.

[1157] was like comedy acting.

[1158] But even that was like, I'm talking.

[1159] We're taught by Elaine Stritch?

[1160] No. Taught by a guy that I had a big crush on.

[1161] Oh, you did?

[1162] Ooh.

[1163] You and Monica might get into this.

[1164] Are you generally attracted to people like teachers and bosses?

[1165] Authority figures.

[1166] I am.

[1167] Me too.

[1168] Yeah.

[1169] Ah.

[1170] I know.

[1171] I mean, I think that's gone away the older I get, but in high school and in college.

[1172] Where do you guys think that stems from?

[1173] Daddy issues.

[1174] Not just kidding.

[1175] Well, yeah, that would be like the go -to explanation.

[1176] But not at all.

[1177] No, I don't think so.

[1178] No, I don't know.

[1179] I mean, I have a theory.

[1180] Here we go.

[1181] It's, um, you guys are like approval junkies like I am.

[1182] And they're the, they're the arbiter of the approval.

[1183] That's it.

[1184] Yeah.

[1185] That's totally it.

[1186] But also, they're so in their element.

[1187] Confident.

[1188] They are so confident.

[1189] They're the big two Cs.

[1190] Right.

[1191] Uh -huh.

[1192] And they're in their element and they're teaching you something you don't know.

[1193] It's so sexy.

[1194] It is.

[1195] And if you think back on like all the teachers, you had crush.

[1196] is on probably not that good looking at a crew.

[1197] I know.

[1198] I just did this.

[1199] I had a huge crush on this college professor.

[1200] And she looked him up on Facebook.

[1201] Don't do that.

[1202] And she's, he didn't hold up as well as I wanted to.

[1203] No, he's not going to.

[1204] And he didn't have that many pictures, new pictures.

[1205] I still was attracted to me. Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

[1206] I was, yeah, no, I mean, there's plenty.

[1207] And so what do you guys think about the moral implications of dating a teacher?

[1208] I think that's fine.

[1209] Meaning if you're in college.

[1210] Yeah.

[1211] You know, it's hard because in college it felt like it would have been fine.

[1212] But if I'm a college professor now, I guess it depends on age.

[1213] Age is a big thing.

[1214] But I mean, you are in a position of power.

[1215] You sure are.

[1216] So it's like what's the difference of a teacher?

[1217] This is where these things get really tricky to me because if both parties love it, I don't understand why we're passing judgment on it.

[1218] There feels like I do think in all of our movements that are good and progressive and should be happening.

[1219] I also think we need to police ourselves about falling into our puritanical trap because I think we as a country are just really puritanical being founded by Puritans.

[1220] So I think a lot of things feel right, but what's really happening is like, no, we're just afraid of sex.

[1221] And I just always want to counterbalance when we're just being afraid of sex.

[1222] So if a 22 -year -old woman at a college is in love with her 38 -year -old professor, I'm sure a lot of people would say, no, he has a power and this and that.

[1223] But also additionally true is like if both people are horny for each other, then they want to fuck and it's a great memory for the rest of their lives.

[1224] For both of them, what on earth are we saying?

[1225] Right, right, right.

[1226] Yeah.

[1227] It seems a little crazy to me. Right.

[1228] I also think there's a big double standard.

[1229] I succumb to this all the time.

[1230] You'll hear the story about the 24 -year -old teacher having sex with the 15 -year -old female student?

[1231] And I'm like, that motherfucker needs to be behind bars.

[1232] But then one will come out about the 16 year old who's fucking is like hot 32 year old English teacher.

[1233] And I'm like, good on you, mate.

[1234] I want to high five.

[1235] Yeah.

[1236] That we feel like that.

[1237] I feel the same way.

[1238] We're like, that's kind of hot.

[1239] But then I'm like, no, it's a child.

[1240] I know.

[1241] But when I was 16, there were a few teachers.

[1242] I wanted to bang and I would not have been a victim.

[1243] Like I would have been stoked.

[1244] I'd be carrying around those fun memories for the rest of my life.

[1245] For me, it would have been a big win.

[1246] Right, right.

[1247] I think without a doubt it's like a case -by -case issue, right?

[1248] Yes.

[1249] Maybe that's the walk -away value.

[1250] Because I think there are plenty of like, oh God, what are we talking about?

[1251] Yeah, here we go.

[1252] I know.

[1253] There are, you know, I think there are plenty of boys in high school that could be victims for sure.

[1254] And then there are plenty of like, Dax Shepherds that are like, I'm down.

[1255] Yeah.

[1256] Let's get weird.

[1257] Yeah, yeah.

[1258] I want to show you some things, 32 -year -old.

[1259] But I'm admitting and owning the fact that there is some kind of.

[1260] kind of weird sexual double standard where I think the girls are victims and the guys are victors and that's clearly flawed and I'm acknowledging that it's all dicey we cleared it all up oh fuck me did you get to did you get to hang out with any of those teachers you liked?

[1261] Have you hooked up with a teacher?

[1262] I've never hooked up with a teacher but I did hang out with that teacher more than I should have.

[1263] Okay yeah where like he was like a student not a student teacher but he was there for just like one semester.

[1264] Like a cool teacher Yeah, truly.

[1265] Uh -huh.

[1266] He was just like in and out for one semester.

[1267] Oh.

[1268] And he was barely even your teacher.

[1269] He was barely legal.

[1270] And he would like, you know.

[1271] This was in college.

[1272] We're good.

[1273] I know.

[1274] I know.

[1275] And nothing happened.

[1276] But we would be at a bar and we just had like a, we just had a good chemistry.

[1277] By the way, he probably also had the exact same chemistry with 10 other college girls.

[1278] You did probably a good chemistry.

[1279] The dude had good chemistry.

[1280] Yeah.

[1281] Do you remember the signals you would send?

[1282] I don't think I was subtle.

[1283] Oh, really?

[1284] I like this.

[1285] I have other moves, Monica.

[1286] Okay.

[1287] That's just one.

[1288] That's just page three in the playbook.

[1289] I really like this.

[1290] So you are aggressor is not the right word.

[1291] But you're proactive when you like somebody.

[1292] I think that's, and I, okay, I don't, again, I don't want to, like, talk down on myself because I think I'm fine.

[1293] I also know I'm not a supermodel, and I know I'm, I am what I am again, Popeye.

[1294] But I think I realized early on, I remember a feeling early on, maybe like 14 years old.

[1295] There we go.

[1296] Where I was like, and I had this talk with my best friend, Lindsay Roche, who's still my best friend.

[1297] A lot of shoutouts.

[1298] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1299] You got it.

[1300] And we were basically like, there will be, there will always be like hotter girls than us.

[1301] But I think we, meaning any woman, kind of any woman, kind of any woman, can like get whoever you want.

[1302] Yes.

[1303] It was like a, it was a big like ding, like something went off in my brain where I was like, we're not the hottest girls of this party, but that's the hottest guy at this party.

[1304] And I want to make out with him.

[1305] And I think I can.

[1306] Yes.

[1307] It was weird.

[1308] Yes.

[1309] And then that sort of trickles into maybe like life.

[1310] Yes.

[1311] And what's weird is I'll say that I have the exact same thought and it's probably arrogance.

[1312] But I've always thought, if you give me enough time with somebody.

[1313] Right.

[1314] Like, yes, I don't think anyone has turned their head looking at me on the street.

[1315] I don't think it's ever happened.

[1316] Come on.

[1317] I really don't think so.

[1318] And, oh, again, and this will help both of us.

[1319] It doesn't really matter what you look like or don't.

[1320] It only matters what you think you look like.

[1321] So let's just say I thought I was a six and I think I'm a six.

[1322] Same here.

[1323] There you go.

[1324] And that's all that really is relevant.

[1325] But I thought if you give me enough time with somebody, I can figure out how to connect with you.

[1326] I feel the same way.

[1327] Yeah, I feel the exact same way.

[1328] And maybe that's why, you know.

[1329] And by the way, I think it's large.

[1330] true.

[1331] So I think people should have that confidence that they are enough for any person.

[1332] If you just have an opportunity to show them who you are.

[1333] I don't know.

[1334] Back to your signal.

[1335] Well, I mean, I think that we, my family, my kids, my siblings and I were raised with this weird confidence.

[1336] And my parents were basically just like, you guys are great and you can do whatever you want.

[1337] A thing my dad would say to us a lot.

[1338] You ready for this?

[1339] Yeah.

[1340] A lot.

[1341] before a play, before a swim meet, before something like a big event, he would go, you are the best, you are the king of the world, there's nobody better than you.

[1342] And he would say it all the time.

[1343] And it kind of, yeah, I think it really, it really, that was like what I would need to hear.

[1344] And then I'd be like, yes, yes, I'm the king of the world.

[1345] And then I would like do the thing that I needed to do.

[1346] That's probably great advice for me. Yeah.

[1347] Because when I imagine myself in that situation with my own kids, I think I would have a much more long -winded life.

[1348] Listen, this is for you.

[1349] Right.

[1350] It's not for them.

[1351] It doesn't matter if they like it.

[1352] Like, I try to get into some way too big concept, probably about, about like, you're out there to show yourself you'll do this.

[1353] I think that's also great advice.

[1354] I mean, I've seen you with your kids.

[1355] You're an amazing dad and Kristen's an amazing mom.

[1356] When you're around, I put on a good act.

[1357] Sure, sure, right, right.

[1358] But I don't know.

[1359] So you think you told the guy, though, do you think you actually said like, you are good looking?

[1360] Or do you think you were that?

[1361] I think I did.

[1362] I think I said something along the lines of like, well, we clearly have crushers on each other.

[1363] Oh, yes.

[1364] I know.

[1365] Oh, my God, that's great.

[1366] What a little perv I am.

[1367] And what was his response?

[1368] Do you remember?

[1369] Good, good, good, good, good.

[1370] I think he was kind of like.

[1371] I keep hearing the police song in my head like.

[1372] The teacher, young student, the young girl's fantasy.

[1373] Great song.

[1374] Yeah, so good.

[1375] And weird.

[1376] I was going to say, if I listen to that now as an adult, would I be like, what is up with this fucking dude?

[1377] If it came out today, it just wouldn't.

[1378] People would be like, what is this song?

[1379] It got in under the time.

[1380] It did, it did.

[1381] Yeah, yeah.

[1382] Totally.

[1383] Yeah.

[1384] So what was his response?

[1385] He was a little bit like, what?

[1386] But also like, yeah.

[1387] But then I mean, there was a lot of talk and there was no follow through.

[1388] No bite.

[1389] Yeah, yeah.

[1390] Which is probably for sure the best way for this to all go down.

[1391] Right.

[1392] So when you're in New York, do you, Is UCB the first place you start pursuing comedy?

[1393] It is, yeah, yeah.

[1394] So that's, that was the...

[1395] Upright Citizens Brigade, started by Polar, Amy Polar, Matt Besser, Matt Walsh, Ian Roberts.

[1396] And Ian Roberts.

[1397] Okay, great.

[1398] Four dudes.

[1399] More shotouts.

[1400] Yeah.

[1401] Well, no, Amy's not a dude.

[1402] Well, she's a dude.

[1403] Oh, you're right.

[1404] I mean, I'm a dude.

[1405] You're a dude, Monica's a dude.

[1406] Yeah.

[1407] Oh, okay.

[1408] I mean, three dudes and a dudeette.

[1409] I feel like that is probably the title of an improv.

[1410] Yes, for sure.

[1411] Somewhere in America.

[1412] Yeah.

[1413] So that was seeing a UCB.

[1414] show in New York was when my brain sort of changed where I was like, oh, I don't, I don't know about any of this other stuff.

[1415] This is what I want to do.

[1416] Right.

[1417] It felt completely like a jacket that fit.

[1418] A hundred percent.

[1419] Right.

[1420] And then did you, I'm not totally certain how UCB works comparatively to groundings, but there's levels, I assume.

[1421] Yeah, it's a little similar.

[1422] I think it's pretty similar.

[1423] You take class.

[1424] And did you blow through?

[1425] Did you like, you did well at it?

[1426] I would say I did well at it, but I I didn't blow through.

[1427] I feel like I was on like a slower path, which, which honestly.

[1428] Because they can they make you repeat levels and stuff?

[1429] They can make you repeat levels.

[1430] I never had to repeat.

[1431] I will say this.

[1432] I never had to repeat a level, but I did repeat many levels.

[1433] Oh, okay.

[1434] Because I loved it.

[1435] I couldn't get enough of it.

[1436] Uh -huh.

[1437] It was my every, it was like the air that I breathe.

[1438] It was like my religion.

[1439] Sure.

[1440] It was the thing.

[1441] Well, you kind of got to make it your entire world because it requires that level of dedication.

[1442] Right, because you're paying money to take these classes.

[1443] You're seeing shows and, you know, all hours of the night.

[1444] You're making your job almost and your life and your social circle and it totally takes over.

[1445] You become obsessed with the people.

[1446] I have sense, in retrospect, felt so bad for my girlfriend, Bree, who lived with me through that whole period.

[1447] And we couldn't do a single thing without me recognizing that it was a sketch.

[1448] No matter what we were doing.

[1449] We're at the bank.

[1450] We're getting dinner.

[1451] Everything.

[1452] I was just because I needed to, I needed fucking material and it was all consuming.

[1453] And it must have been a drag.

[1454] Totally.

[1455] Yeah.

[1456] I'm the same.

[1457] How are you supporting yourself while you were in New York City?

[1458] With like a million jobs.

[1459] I was a nanny.

[1460] That was my best favorite job to many families and then sort of honed it on one.

[1461] And then I, you know, temping and waitressing.

[1462] Like truly, a normal day would be two jobs and a show at night.

[1463] Wow.

[1464] Yeah.

[1465] And did you live in?

[1466] Manhattan.

[1467] Jason and I lived in Manhattan for a few years and then Brooklyn for many years.

[1468] Okay.

[1469] And what was Jason doing during that period?

[1470] So he was besides looking gorgeous.

[1471] He was looking gorgeous and he got hired at SNL doing production on the digital shorts.

[1472] Oh really?

[1473] Yeah.

[1474] Like the Longley Island stuff?

[1475] Yeah.

[1476] Oh wow.

[1477] And then were you in any way jealous of that his proximity to all that?

[1478] I mean not jealous.

[1479] It was at a time where He got hired there at a time where friends of ours were being hired as cast and writers.

[1480] So it was definitely a world where we were, all of a sudden it was like, oh, this sort of.

[1481] It's becoming real?

[1482] Yes.

[1483] So did you audition for that?

[1484] I never audition for it.

[1485] Yeah, I mean either.

[1486] It's all I wanted to do.

[1487] Every year, a friend or an agent or somebody would be like, you should submit this year.

[1488] And I would choose not to.

[1489] Like, submit.

[1490] I think in New York that was maybe like a more popular thing to do.

[1491] You would submit a tape of like characters.

[1492] Oh, okay.

[1493] And every year someone would say you should do it this year.

[1494] And I would say no. I would be like, I'm not ready.

[1495] Or I would basically sabotage.

[1496] I would self -sabotage.

[1497] I was ready.

[1498] I mean, I had a million characters.

[1499] That's like what we did every night at UCV was like basically a mini S &L auditions.

[1500] Right.

[1501] I would, it was just a very weird.

[1502] I don't know what it was.

[1503] It was like two, I wanted it too.

[1504] badly so I could not even think to make it a reality or be told no, right?

[1505] Do you think part of it was you thought you were going to have a single shot at it?

[1506] Like, this will be the one time they evaluate me. And if I suck here, they're never watching the tape again.

[1507] Yeah, I think it was that.

[1508] I also think I was so afraid of having my like one true dream be.

[1509] Yes.

[1510] That's it.

[1511] I mean, I'm like doing, I'm like figuring this out right now.

[1512] If I submitted and they said no, that means my dream is.

[1513] Ends.

[1514] Yeah, that's it.

[1515] Yeah, 100%.

[1516] So I was equally immersed in the groundlings world.

[1517] And what was really weird is that the Sunday company maybe before mine or two before mine, they came and they got Maya out of that one.

[1518] And it just so happened that they had gotten people right before mine and then they got people right after mine.

[1519] They never, to my knowledge, came to a Sunday show.

[1520] which is what generally happened.

[1521] Kristen Wigg got pulled out of the Sunday show.

[1522] So they just never came.

[1523] So then I, of course, never, A, not even that I would have been, one of the people they would have offered an audition to, but regardless, it didn't happen.

[1524] But I can't even imagine, similar to you, had I gotten the audition, what my fear level would be flying to New York and trying to do that, knowing exactly what you're saying is, well, if this doesn't work out, that was the entire game plan.

[1525] What on earth am I doing with my life?

[1526] Yeah, that was it.

[1527] That is terrifying.

[1528] Yeah.

[1529] Yeah.

[1530] When you set a singular goal like that, it's dangerous.

[1531] And I barely could speak it out loud.

[1532] And that was the thing is if somebody, again, a friend or an agent or somebody would say like submit this year, I wouldn't be like, well, here's the thing.

[1533] It's all I want in the world.

[1534] I would be like, no, I'm good.

[1535] But inside I would be like, oh, like that is, that's it for me. Yeah.

[1536] So, and then there was even a point early, like probably in my late 20s where I was like, well, I'm too old now.

[1537] Uh -huh.

[1538] Yeah.

[1539] Which is insane.

[1540] Yeah.

[1541] But you talk yourself.

[1542] out of it.

[1543] Yeah, it was really, I mean, and by the way, it's all fine.

[1544] I like where my life went.

[1545] Yeah.

[1546] You know?

[1547] Well, that's what's crazy.

[1548] I kind of try to say that often on here, which is like, you should be flexible in your life because just in my experience, the things I got and pined over, they didn't have the result I thought they were going to have.

[1549] And then things I barely wanted to do turned out to be the best things in my life.

[1550] So like, have just a monocum of faith in that you're going to be on a path that you'll look back on and like.

[1551] Oh, yeah.

[1552] You don't need to, you know, be so dead set on it ,'s one thing or another.

[1553] Right.

[1554] It helps to have a skill set, obviously, that you can do multiple things.

[1555] So what makes you move to L .A.?

[1556] So we were kind of ready to move.

[1557] We'd been in New York for 10 years and, or I had been in 10 years, for 10 years.

[1558] And Jason got a job at Funny or Die out here.

[1559] Okay.

[1560] And that we were just sort of looking.

[1561] We were, so many friends moved out to L .A. And we're doing great.

[1562] And some would move out with a job.

[1563] Some would just move out to audition.

[1564] and the idea of moving out there just with nothing was so stressful to me. Yeah, right?

[1565] Very scary.

[1566] Yeah.

[1567] So we kind of did that in that Jason had something, but I didn't.

[1568] So we were settled and financially fine.

[1569] We had a place to live and he had a job.

[1570] But the first couple years for me...

[1571] You also were going to be able to go to this UCB.

[1572] Right, which was great.

[1573] Yeah.

[1574] Which was great.

[1575] So for the listeners who don't know, there's the New York UCB and the LA UCB, and there's a lot of overlap, but I think I also thought it would be an easier transition into like, well, I, you know, do, not Sunday company, but we have ASCAT at UCB.

[1576] And I'm like, I've been doing ASCAT at New York UCB for five years.

[1577] So clearly I can just like walk onto the stage here.

[1578] Yeah.

[1579] But it wasn't, there was some like working my way.

[1580] Yeah.

[1581] Yeah.

[1582] That's probably good for you.

[1583] Yeah.

[1584] It was good for me. Yeah.

[1585] It was like a nice little reality check.

[1586] But knowing you had a little home away from home had to be.

[1587] It was great.

[1588] Very helpful.

[1589] Yeah.

[1590] And then is is good place the first big thing that you?

[1591] you get?

[1592] Yeah, it is.

[1593] It is the first.

[1594] I mean, the, yeah, I mean, I got to do a bunch of episodes of Broad City, which was two girls that I came up with, Abby and Alana at UCB, and that's a great show that I love and people love.

[1595] But, you know, I was in a few episodes of season.

[1596] It was a small role, but it was kind of life changing.

[1597] I was like on a TV show that people loved.

[1598] But, but also, you know, I would be so excited to go to set.

[1599] And it was so fun to like watch Abby don't want to do their thing and I was so so grateful that they kept having me back but I would I would be on set for one day and then I would be like oh but they get to do this every day.

[1600] Yeah.

[1601] Yeah.

[1602] Yeah.

[1603] And so it was it was amazing but I really was like I don't know if I'm ever going to get to do that.

[1604] Yeah.

[1605] Mm -hmm.

[1606] You know.

[1607] And along the way before you get good place, this is just a fun fact.

[1608] I don't want you to divulge any of his personal secrets, but you are Will Forteys.

[1609] No. Bill haters.

[1610] Bill haters.

[1611] Yes.

[1612] His nanny.

[1613] You know, it's, it's not surprising to me that I just confuse those two because they're among the like four guys, I think, have the most unique perspective.

[1614] I totally agree.

[1615] Yeah, so Bill Hader.

[1616] So you were a Bill Hater nanny for a while, right?

[1617] Yeah.

[1618] I was in New York, I started babysitting for Bill when his oldest daughter, who's like nine now, was like four months old.

[1619] Uh -huh.

[1620] And so that was my family.

[1621] That was like, the family that I was with every day that I, you know.

[1622] When did they move to L .A.?

[1623] Similar timing?

[1624] Yeah, like six months after us.

[1625] Oh.

[1626] And having to leave them was like a breakup.

[1627] It was like leaving my family.

[1628] Like these two, they have three daughters now, but two daughters that were like my, I mean, to say my children is an insane thing to say, but like the loves of my life.

[1629] Right.

[1630] The most important people in my life.

[1631] Yes.

[1632] And so it was really hard to leave them, but then they decided Bill, left S &L and they came to L .A. Well, it sounds like weirdly, not even weirdly, that a consistent source of your own self -esteem stems from being maternal.

[1633] The fact that you took care of your sister.

[1634] Yeah.

[1635] I think that must have made you feel good in some way.

[1636] For sure.

[1637] And then taking care of these children made you feel good.

[1638] Yeah.

[1639] You know where I'm going with this.

[1640] One might ask.

[1641] Why don't?

[1642] Do you have fears about how will I work if I have a kid?

[1643] Yeah, I do.

[1644] I do.

[1645] I do.

[1646] I do.

[1647] I do.

[1648] It's like, I had that fear, and I'm not even a woman.

[1649] Right.

[1650] But you, yeah, it's, it's so complicated.

[1651] And people say it'll be complicated.

[1652] Like, when, as a, as a, as a female, you know that at some point there's like this choice you have to make between career and family.

[1653] And you think like, no, I don't.

[1654] I don't have to make that choice.

[1655] It just, I can make it work.

[1656] And then there, there comes a point where you're like, this is a choice that I have to make.

[1657] This sucks.

[1658] Yeah, yeah.

[1659] You need like two lives.

[1660] It's so much sadder too for you guys because worst case scenario, if I'm a dirt bag, I can have a kid at 68.

[1661] Yeah, yeah.

[1662] If I'm willing to date a 28 year old when I'm 68, that's still an option for me. So whether or not I would even take that option, just the pressure being off of me of like, well, I can figure this out down the road is much easier.

[1663] It does, and they talk about the clock.

[1664] Although this freezing eggs thing, I like it.

[1665] I do too.

[1666] I recommend all my female actor friends who are in this predicament.

[1667] I'm like, just go freeze some eggs and then just take your mind off of that.

[1668] And that's a weird one to, I mean, it's a great option and it's a great one.

[1669] But then you really are your schedule.

[1670] Like I'm, Jason and I are in a situation, which is I, we know that I can't, I have to have IVF.

[1671] Oh, okay.

[1672] I didn't know that.

[1673] Well, now I'm telling you.

[1674] It's such great news.

[1675] we, we like, it makes it a weird step more complicated, obviously, because you can't like accidentally get pregnant, but also you really plan it.

[1676] Yes.

[1677] Which in some ways you would think as an actor, that's great, because then you can plan it on your off season or whatever.

[1678] But I just keep like pushing it under the rug and being like, I'll do it later.

[1679] Uh -huh.

[1680] And I've been doing that for like eight years now.

[1681] Okay.

[1682] Because I would imagine we parallel a lot, which is you guys do want kids.

[1683] We've wanted kids since like the second we got together.

[1684] Since you burped at Disneyland.

[1685] Since I burped my hot dog in his face.

[1686] Yeah, so you know you want them.

[1687] Right.

[1688] And then also you have spent, you've dedicated your entire life to this task of being on a set as much as you can because you love it.

[1689] Right.

[1690] But just so you know, I wouldn't buy into the fantasy that it'll ever get crystal clear.

[1691] Because when Kristen and you might look at Kristen and go like, well, she was already sorted.

[1692] She was already the lead of things.

[1693] and she knew she could work and blah, blah, blah.

[1694] That being said, she felt the identical way that you feel.

[1695] You're not going to magically feel differently about it.

[1696] You're just going to take a contrary action at some point, is my guess.

[1697] That's a good way to get it.

[1698] Because Bell and I were like, well, life's pretty damn good.

[1699] Like, we can travel when we don't have to work and we can afford to travel.

[1700] And we have this great life just sitting in our lap.

[1701] Right.

[1702] We could fuck this whole thing up right now.

[1703] And no matter what, I don't think there's a situation that you're in where it's not a leap of faith.

[1704] Just in general, or at least in my experience, it's still stressful no matter what.

[1705] Yeah.

[1706] You might have a number in your head.

[1707] I had a number in my head.

[1708] Well, if we had this much in the bank, I'd feel much more comfortable about having kids because then I know if we can't work, we can at least raise this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1709] Yeah.

[1710] It's all horseshit.

[1711] Right.

[1712] You just have the fucking kid and it all works out.

[1713] And weirdly, she's probably worked more since having kids and she did before having kids.

[1714] And same with me. Yeah.

[1715] And yet we're still there for the kids.

[1716] It is very good to hear that.

[1717] And I know that, but it's hard.

[1718] It's hard when you're looking at yourself.

[1719] You're like, it would be, I feel like it would be so easy for me to just sort of fall into the background and disappear.

[1720] Uh -huh.

[1721] That's the fear, right?

[1722] Yeah, of course.

[1723] Because that seems to be the easiest thing to happen.

[1724] If you're not actively throwing gas on the fire in this business, like you, that's the natural state of things is to disappear.

[1725] Right.

[1726] You're like, remember I'm here.

[1727] And then.

[1728] I want to clear one thing up, though, because I often urge people that are on here to have kids and And then people will be like, you're shaming people for not having kids.

[1729] I want to be very clear.

[1730] I have a lot of people on here that I think should be having kids for our fucking society.

[1731] There are a lot of people having kids that I don't advise to have kids.

[1732] And then I look at someone like you who's been nurturing children since you were a nine -year -old.

[1733] You're the type of person that should have a kid.

[1734] And I want good parents populating the earth.

[1735] So there's a lot of my motivation in these times is that.

[1736] I get you.

[1737] And you've seen like Jason with your.

[1738] girls.

[1739] He's so good with them.

[1740] Yeah.

[1741] He loves them.

[1742] And they fucking love him.

[1743] How much is Delta love Jason?

[1744] I mean, she's like, they are equally obsessed with each other.

[1745] Yeah.

[1746] She feels his rhythm.

[1747] Yes, they totally do.

[1748] That's very true.

[1749] And she throws rhythm.

[1750] Yeah, she throws it down.

[1751] How about that show she put on for you guys?

[1752] Last time we like hooked up eating and she She was being so funny and she knew it.

[1753] She knew it.

[1754] But she never ever went to the well too many times.

[1755] No. That's the amazing thing.

[1756] She'll find something that's funny, but she doesn't overdo it.

[1757] don't do very often.

[1758] They overdo it.

[1759] They find the thing that people laugh at and then they're like, great.

[1760] And then you're 12th time.

[1761] But she's like, oh, you want, you want me to say something funny right now?

[1762] Fuck you.

[1763] Yeah, here's a new thing.

[1764] But the thing that got me cracked up is either you wanted to hug or he wanted to hug and she said, can't busy chilling on the car.

[1765] And she was like leaning against the car, which I didn't know where she got that.

[1766] Yes, you're so right.

[1767] That was great.

[1768] Busy chilling.

[1769] And she was leaning like with her hip out and like her hand on her.

[1770] I mean, she's just too much.

[1771] She's so funny.

[1772] They're both so funny.

[1773] Wait, real quick.

[1774] So, Bill, you guys are super close and you're on Barry.

[1775] Right.

[1776] Did he, did you, is that so exciting?

[1777] It was so exciting and it was a funny thing because, you know, I've been so close with him and his family for so long.

[1778] But we never, we were, even though we were doing the same thing, we were at such different levels that we truly never even talked about like someday or it was, I never called in any favors.

[1779] He never, we just didn't talk about that stuff.

[1780] Yeah.

[1781] And so when I got the audition to be.

[1782] John Barry, I almost, my instinct was to call him and to be like, let's not do this.

[1783] Like, this is just going to be weird and like, let's just, you know, let's not mix the, I don't want you to have to call me and say like, no, you didn't get it or whatever.

[1784] Yeah.

[1785] But, but then I read the pilot and I, the character was like so perfect and I, I wanted to do the audition.

[1786] Yeah.

[1787] And the audition was so fun.

[1788] But then he called me that day.

[1789] It was great.

[1790] But did you have any of these things?

[1791] because Monica does this and it drives me nuts.

[1792] Like if Monica does anything that we're involved with, she has this, probably you would say it better.

[1793] Well, you don't even know that you know.

[1794] I think she fears it's some kind of nepotism.

[1795] And I'm like, I wouldn't put you in anything and let you shit on my movie.

[1796] Like, it's just not going to happen.

[1797] I love you, but I'm not going to sandbag my fucking something I'm spending two years of my life on to make you happy.

[1798] I can see from both of your point of views.

[1799] I know that feeling.

[1800] but also I also know that you're such a good actor and you're so great on camera that like of course you're like lucky to have her Yes, right.

[1801] But even on the good even on Oh that was a whole ride yeah.

[1802] Yeah, yeah.

[1803] That was a real roller poster for me. It was?

[1804] Yeah.

[1805] Yeah.

[1806] Because I really was like, even before I went in Is this a scoop?

[1807] Are we scooping?

[1808] Are we?

[1809] What do you mean scooping?

[1810] Well, I don't, I'm not going to say I'm allowed to say that I was on it.

[1811] Yeah, absolutely.

[1812] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1813] Or I'm going to be on it.

[1814] What if that gave away the whole season?

[1815] I know, I know, I know.

[1816] What if I was the big reveal?

[1817] Well, I'm not even going to watch this here because I know Monica's on it, so I know what happens.

[1818] No, before going in, the day before I was like, because it was an offer.

[1819] Yeah.

[1820] And I was like, I don't know if I like offers.

[1821] Same thing happened with chips.

[1822] I was like, they don't even know if I can do it.

[1823] Because you didn't have to audition.

[1824] I didn't audition.

[1825] They didn't see me. They don't know.

[1826] know if I really can.

[1827] I love you using they.

[1828] It was me. I know.

[1829] You are they and Mike and all of them at the good place and all the writers and stuff at the good place just like me as a person.

[1830] But I'm like, they don't know if I can even do this.

[1831] And then I went and then on the first day I was like, I can't.

[1832] I didn't do it.

[1833] You were so good.

[1834] You were so good.

[1835] The second day was better.

[1836] But the first day I left and I was like, you were without giving anything away at all.

[1837] You were in a very weird scene.

[1838] that every single person in your position felt the same way.

[1839] Everybody was like, I don't know what I'm doing, including me. Yeah.

[1840] So don't worry about it.

[1841] You were so good.

[1842] You were so good.

[1843] Well, I'm not searching for a couple.

[1844] I know, but you'll be very happy with what you see.

[1845] We recorded an hour after she left because she was there for two days.

[1846] And after the first day, she came directly here and I could just see on her face.

[1847] I've been there so many times.

[1848] I'm like, oh, my God, I didn't deliver.

[1849] Totally.

[1850] And it's done now.

[1851] And weirdly, being offered things is harder because, because this happens to me. I've been offering things and I get there.

[1852] I'm like, well, I didn't figure out what I'm supposed to do because I didn't audition.

[1853] And now I'm figuring it out.

[1854] Maybe now I'm wrong.

[1855] So I think anyone would have that fear.

[1856] Yeah, yeah.

[1857] That's the hard thing for us to accept is that you're not always supposed to be fucking excellent.

[1858] You're supposed to quite often just service something.

[1859] Deliver the, yeah.

[1860] Not fuck it up is the goal.

[1861] Not to like break through and shine.

[1862] But then it's hard as that we are all into comedy.

[1863] when it's not you know, high -fiving and laughing and cracking up the cameraman or whatever, you're like, well, I guess I'm terrible at this and it should quit now.

[1864] Yep.

[1865] That was the drive home.

[1866] I'm like, well, yes.

[1867] I guess I've done with this.

[1868] I mean, I do more drive homes from work like that than not.

[1869] Yeah.

[1870] But let's talk about your character now because you have a much harder character than I think people would give it credit for on the surface because you would be like, well, you're playing a robot.

[1871] So I guess that's easy because there's not a lot of gradation within a performance of a robot.

[1872] But then in fact, that's probably the single hardest thing to do on the set.

[1873] Right.

[1874] Because as an actor, I don't know how you work, but for me, it's like I'm trying to anchor it into an experience I've had so I can relate to the emotions and then hopefully bring that.

[1875] But that would be the worst thing you could do in your situation.

[1876] You could not be more correct.

[1877] That is exactly how I feel, especially the first season, like trying to figure out who Janet was.

[1878] We know that, like, the way you act is to, like, react to what your scene partner gives you.

[1879] And, yeah, and, like, tie it to an emotion that you've maybe felt before.

[1880] And that truly is the opposite of what I could do with this role.

[1881] Yes.

[1882] So the first few episodes, the first, I don't know, half of that season, I was, like, floundering.

[1883] I was like, what?

[1884] Right, right, right.

[1885] But I would.

[1886] Because since day one, Kristen came home, she's like, oh, my God, they have.

[1887] hired the most amazing girl, this Darcy, she's a UCB person, like, I heard all about you after day one.

[1888] Damn, that's, that's, that.

[1889] So, it was all in your head, but.

[1890] God, that's so nice.

[1891] But that feeling.

[1892] Yeah.

[1893] Of panic.

[1894] Right.

[1895] Where you're just like, this is, I can't give them anything.

[1896] I don't know how to do it.

[1897] Who knows?

[1898] I would pull Mike, sure, who, who you guys know, oh, I would pull him away a lot and just be like, and I didn't want him, I didn't want to, like, panic him, but I really was like, I don't know how to do this.

[1899] Like, what am I doing?

[1900] Yeah.

[1901] But when did you find.

[1902] your, because here's what I would say.

[1903] Yeah.

[1904] I think you could actually play a robot and be funny.

[1905] No problem.

[1906] I don't think that actually would be that hard.

[1907] Right.

[1908] I think making it a three -dimensional character that you ultimately are rooting for and care about her feelings, that's where you need a level of genius.

[1909] Thank you.

[1910] Or maybe you're just saying in general.

[1911] No, no, I think you're brilliant.

[1912] God, damn it, thank you.

[1913] I was into you and Mani's love.

[1914] That's, that's, besides cheating and Kristen, But to me it was tied.

[1915] Right.

[1916] I'm like, these guys are made for each other.

[1917] Isn't that funny?

[1918] And it's a product of me caring about you and not thinking you're a robot.

[1919] Well, thank you.

[1920] You know, you're a robot.

[1921] That, I don't even, I mean, thank you so fucking much for saying that, first of all.

[1922] Because I'm so in love with the show and I'm so, like, beyond honored and grateful to be a part of it.

[1923] And the fact that you're, I don't know, this is wild, you guys.

[1924] Yeah, I'm rooting for, for y 'all's love.

[1925] That's so nice.

[1926] narrative as much.

[1927] I'm so glad because I do remember like reading the first scripts when it said that we were getting together and having the fear like I really hope the audience like, you know, isn't like what?

[1928] Is emotionally involved or invested?

[1929] I don't know, man. I was 100%.

[1930] And it weirdly if you break it down, it actually makes sense because I think a lot of people who are it's important to them that they appear brilliant.

[1931] that they have an insecurity.

[1932] I have one.

[1933] I would then choose people to partner up with that I thought reflected well on that goal of mine as seeing intelligent.

[1934] And so I wouldn't date someone who I thought was stupid because of my own insecurity or not even stupid but maybe appeared to be or could maybe somehow infect my image.

[1935] But if I was the smartest person in the world, I'd have zero fear about being seen as smart.

[1936] And I could quite easily fall in love with someone just for their heart and not even worry about what it says about me. So in a bizarre way, the stupidest person on the show and the smartest person on the show, being in love kind of weirdly made sense to me. Right.

[1937] And the way I think Mike Scher put it, like, Janet is so much smarter than everybody else that the difference between the dumbest, you know, Jason and like a normal smart person is not that much to her.

[1938] Oh, that's a good point.

[1939] You know what I mean?

[1940] But you're also, you're playing an archetype of the tin man. Right.

[1941] You're in search of a heart.

[1942] Right.

[1943] He's in search of a brain.

[1944] Yeah, that's really true.

[1945] So, of course you would be attracted to what each other has.

[1946] Because he has probably the biggest heart on the show.

[1947] And we sort of linked up when I had been rebooted and I was sort of learning everything.

[1948] And he was really nice to me. There was like our like, you know, souls meshed or whatever at a point.

[1949] In a way that I sort of compared to like teenage love or something where you just are like your first love where you're just linked for life or whatever.

[1950] Yes.

[1951] Yeah.

[1952] Yeah.

[1953] And when you fall in love with someone initially when you're, young.

[1954] Luckily, you don't have this huge identity construct or that person has to service your identity.

[1955] Right.

[1956] Right.

[1957] And so, yeah, you can just like someone because they're nice to you.

[1958] Just the feelings.

[1959] Yes, the feelings.

[1960] And to have someone look at you a certain way is enough.

[1961] Yeah.

[1962] It's kind of pure and nice.

[1963] It is pure and nice.

[1964] Oh, pure.

[1965] You were.

[1966] You're.

[1967] Oh, my God.

[1968] It's such a dangerous word.

[1969] That's so wild.

[1970] It is the word pure.

[1971] I know.

[1972] I hate it.

[1973] It gives me. No, it's so scary.

[1974] But I do want to ask you before you go.

[1975] You're very grateful that you are on the show.

[1976] I can hear it in your voice and it is a wonderful job.

[1977] Where do you want this?

[1978] Do you have a fantasy or are you letting it be what it is and just waiting to find out?

[1979] Or do you have your heart set on something?

[1980] That's a good question.

[1981] And it's a hard question because it sort of plays into my like fear of setting goals a little bit, you know, of saying, like, I want that thing.

[1982] I want to, I am, I would definitely say I'm like going on the ride a little bit.

[1983] But I also, I never want to stop acting ever.

[1984] Right.

[1985] So you want to be careful about managing the opportunity?

[1986] Yeah.

[1987] And also, like, hoping that more opportunity comes my way.

[1988] And that's a scary thing about an actor and also somebody that sort of finds even a little bit of success, like later in life.

[1989] I don't have like decades of, well, the ups and downs and blah, I'm like, no, I just got here.

[1990] You know what I mean?

[1991] Right, right.

[1992] And I want to stay here.

[1993] I want to keep working.

[1994] What's really interesting, though, is that you're dead right on that.

[1995] It's almost impossible to get invited to the party.

[1996] Yeah.

[1997] But I will say you do have to shift your thinking at a certain point because once you're at the party, actually staying at the party, as long as you're really good and you're nice to the people around you and you're a pleasure to work with, I think it's easier.

[1998] to stay at the party than we think it is because we're all we just have a decade of looking through the glass at the party and I would say to you everyone that works with you loves you and you're crazy talented so I don't think you're going to have a hard time staying at the party and I don't think you should worry about staying at the party I think you should instead just if I could go back and whisper in my own ear just enjoy being at the fucking party and just trust that it's gonna the sun's never going to come up you're going to be able to stick around So nice, and thank you so much for saying that.

[1999] And also just, that's good advice.

[2000] And then we'll have you back because I do think that we have laid the groundwork to swinging.

[2001] Would you say that that's true?

[2002] Yeah, I think we've laid like a thin little foundation.

[2003] You're going to have me back on the podcast.

[2004] On the podcast.

[2005] Great, great, great, to just discuss swinging.

[2006] Yes, I think we've kind of just gently laid out.

[2007] Yeah.

[2008] So it could be 25 years down the road.

[2009] I will absolutely hook up with Kristen and you can hook up with Jason.

[2010] I can't wait.

[2011] That's what I'm asking for.

[2012] And as long as he and I can get those shirts off and just hug one another for extended periods.

[2013] I'll burp in front of him.

[2014] Okay.

[2015] That'll do it.

[2016] I'll eat a corn dog.

[2017] That'll do it.

[2018] I know the weighs to his heart now.

[2019] Oh, no. Darcy, I love you.

[2020] You're so fun to be around.

[2021] And again, it's kind of high risk when your wife works with a bunch of people.

[2022] And she's like, oh, so -and -so's coming over.

[2023] Well, let's see.

[2024] And then right away, perfect addition.

[2025] Yeah.

[2026] Love having you around.

[2027] I'm right back at you.

[2028] Love you.

[2029] Monica, love you too.

[2030] I love you.

[2031] Monica loves boys.

[2032] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[2033] You're looking at me with a blank stare that says, do you have a song?

[2034] What song are you going to say?

[2035] How about you suggest a song and I'll try to make it work?

[2036] Okay.

[2037] The first song that comes to mine.

[2038] It's my fact check and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to.

[2039] You would cry too if you knew my fact check That was good Not really, it fell apart at the end Well, I was going to suggest Hit Me Baby one more time Can you do that?

[2040] Let's see How's it go?

[2041] I'm not going to sing it Oh, you're right You refused to sing I would love to hear you sing You actually have sang in my presence a few times Yeah, with the radio on And you're a good singer I'm passable Well, by my standards That equals good Thank you.

[2042] Yeah.

[2043] What was it?

[2044] Hit me, baby, what?

[2045] Yeah.

[2046] One more time.

[2047] Oh, baby, baby.

[2048] Is that how old?

[2049] Yeah.

[2050] I don't know enough of the real words to swap out the word with fact check.

[2051] Okay.

[2052] Don't worry.

[2053] You did one song.

[2054] That was good enough.

[2055] I'm fact in the check again.

[2056] I'm fact in the check again.

[2057] Have I done that one before?

[2058] I'm back in the saddle again.

[2059] Yeah, I know.

[2060] You have it.

[2061] That would be a good one.

[2062] I'm back in the check again.

[2063] Wow, you just blew through three, two -ish songs.

[2064] We should actually ask people if they hate these or not.

[2065] It might be something people just get through.

[2066] They suffer through it.

[2067] All right.

[2068] How many Redwoods did Darcy have?

[2069] In her childhood home.

[2070] Three.

[2071] She did have three.

[2072] How did you substantiate that claim?

[2073] Well, I asked her to ask her mom.

[2074] Oh, okay.

[2075] in her mom.

[2076] Said three.

[2077] Wow.

[2078] Yeah, so she was right.

[2079] Three redwoods in her house.

[2080] That sounds so...

[2081] Enchanted?

[2082] Enchanted.

[2083] My favorite word.

[2084] The whole time we were in Texas, we were obsessed with things being enchanted.

[2085] There's so much enchantment down in Austin, Texas.

[2086] There really is.

[2087] There were a lot of opportunities for us to call things enchanted.

[2088] There was all those swim holes down there with waterfalls and greenery.

[2089] It is an evening.

[2090] on earth.

[2091] That's really nice, yeah.

[2092] Hear me with your fact check.

[2093] Good job.

[2094] You're a real tough cookie with your long history.

[2095] Checking the facts of the boys like me. Oh, that was good lyric for me. It's weird.

[2096] I went from not being able to think of one and not stop thinking.

[2097] I'm going to put a pin in it now.

[2098] Go ahead.

[2099] Tree felling competitions.

[2100] Lumberjack competitions?

[2101] Yeah, the process of cutting down individual trees, an element of the task of logic.

[2102] That's felling and general.

[2103] But then they have these competitions, and it seems irresponsible to me. Why?

[2104] I just don't like the idea of a competition for cutting, we shouldn't be cutting down trees for spore.

[2105] No, no. Well, look, we have to have a logging industry.

[2106] We have paper, and we have.

[2107] have lumber for homes and we can do it sustainably.

[2108] There's nothing unethical about us growing, clear cutting and ruining things and old growth.

[2109] That's bad.

[2110] But there's sustainable ways to farm trees and those need to be cut down.

[2111] And I think it's cool that the guys who get good at it or women can get into a little contest and see who's the biggest hot shot.

[2112] Did they clear up your ethical dilemma at all?

[2113] But what if, you know, this really takes off, okay?

[2114] And that there are going to be so many competitions and not enough of those.

[2115] Trees, and they're going to start cutting down trees that shouldn't be cut.

[2116] Well, I don't know that that's going to happen.

[2117] I just don't know.

[2118] I think any occupation, like there should be an ESPN, there should be like a roofer shootout.

[2119] There should be every kind of trade.

[2120] They should get to get together and see who's the hot shot.

[2121] It does make things fun.

[2122] I love a good competition.

[2123] That's true.

[2124] As a two -time state champ, you know what it's like to compete.

[2125] That was a good time.

[2126] Yeah.

[2127] Is that what you'd go back and relive over and over again?

[2128] That's a good question.

[2129] No, because it was so stressful.

[2130] Okay.

[2131] It was, I mean, it was, and I already did it to perfection.

[2132] Right.

[2133] So why would I do it again?

[2134] Right.

[2135] On a different fact check, we were talking about getting aroused during athletic performances, men who get boners during their things.

[2136] Did you ever get aroused during that you can recall?

[2137] No. But I did, I was definitely high off of those.

[2138] Oh, okay.

[2139] Because your adrenaline is so intense.

[2140] Spiked.

[2141] You also have the muscle of elite athletes we found out.

[2142] We found out a 203 and me. Yeah.

[2143] So you probably, there's probably a mental component you also have that you can function in high adrenaline.

[2144] I think I can.

[2145] I think I did.

[2146] Yeah.

[2147] A lot of adrenaline, a lot of endorphins.

[2148] Well, what's implicit in a cheerleading competition is there's a lot of folks getting people revved up.

[2149] That's the actual activity of a cheerleader is to get everyone.

[2150] at a 10.

[2151] Now you've got a contest of everyone getting everyone at a 10 very heightened experience.

[2152] Yeah, but the actual competitions have nothing to do with cheering.

[2153] You do have to have a cheer.

[2154] It's a component but it's not really it's not really for the audience.

[2155] Something of, yeah, I've noticed a pattern here where you, there's some level of embarrassment about having been a cheerleader, right?

[2156] Like there's something, is there something implicitly anti -feminist about being on the sideline of a football game?

[2157] cheering for men to do something so that that somehow infects your competitive cheer and you want to delineate.

[2158] Separate.

[2159] Yeah.

[2160] That would be natural.

[2161] It is crazy that you have girls just like rooting on a bunch of guys.

[2162] Yeah, I guess, I mean, logically, I guess I agree, but it is really fun.

[2163] I guess that's all I have to say.

[2164] It is fun, but I think you're right.

[2165] But no, but I don't think it has anything to do with the feminism.

[2166] and why I separate it.

[2167] It has to do with the level of commitment and sport.

[2168] Yeah, you also want people to know you weren't just in cheerleading in hopes of getting on the homecoming court or something.

[2169] It wasn't like a popularity contest.

[2170] It was a sport for you.

[2171] It was a sport.

[2172] We worked out in the wait room every day.

[2173] And like it was just really intense.

[2174] You guys even date raped people, right, to be...

[2175] Obviously, yes, yes.

[2176] That's what...

[2177] That's a precursor to any...

[2178] Competence sports program.

[2179] Yeah, exactly.

[2180] Winning sports program.

[2181] Yeah, but it was...

[2182] So there was a lot of endorphins release during those competitions because it's a lot on your body.

[2183] Yeah, absolutely.

[2184] But nothing...

[2185] Nothing erotic.

[2186] No. No, but I bet.

[2187] them boys did we had boys ours was a co -ed squad oh they probably i'm sure they were also they're like catching girls and sometimes touching our privates yeah sure yeah not intentionally but it's definitely happening sometimes they had to that's how you caught like there was one stunt that we did by the pussy's maybe that's what trump was maybe trump was maybe trump was just a spotter for a competitive cheer team.

[2188] That's right.

[2189] He was just...

[2190] No one even suggested that that maybe was this is a misunderstanding.

[2191] He caught him by the pussy.

[2192] No, no, no. But there was one stunt where I was up in the air doing a heel stretch.

[2193] Now a heel stretch is where you're holding your leg up by your ear, basically.

[2194] Okay.

[2195] So it's a compromising position.

[2196] Absolutely.

[2197] And then we dropped down.

[2198] So I dropped down and someone does grab like these inside of my thigh and my foot to like scoop me back up.

[2199] It's complicated, okay?

[2200] But the point is that my somebody's hand was like on the top inner thigh.

[2201] The pudding.

[2202] Very close to the goodies.

[2203] This is what I call Delta's pudding.

[2204] Yeah, there's some pudding in there.

[2205] Right.

[2206] That's kind of where the pudding is on a baby's thigh.

[2207] Yeah, the inner guy.

[2208] So they're up close and personal.

[2209] And sometimes it was a guy doing that.

[2210] And sometimes it was direct contact with your vagina, right?

[2211] Well, you just got to do what you have to do to stay up in the air.

[2212] So every now and then there's some grazing.

[2213] Yeah, but so when that's happening, like it's just in a completely different compartment in your head.

[2214] It doesn't even feel like your vagina was touched, right?

[2215] It's just like a part of your body.

[2216] How about your anus?

[2217] Do you ever recall it being touched?

[2218] Oh, all the time.

[2219] All the time.

[2220] Well, not the hole.

[2221] Oh, no, I meant the hole.

[2222] Oh.

[2223] Because you, that'd get your attention.

[2224] Like if you landed on a guy's index finger, it must happen.

[2225] I'm sure it happened.

[2226] So much happened.

[2227] Yeah, we treat this like it's like a laser beam.

[2228] There's a humans involved.

[2229] There's going to be all kinds of screw -ups.

[2230] Yeah, so boys.

[2231] There's probably been penetration on accident.

[2232] On accident, for sure.

[2233] Once or twice this season.

[2234] And everyone just gets through it.

[2235] They just go, whatever.

[2236] The victory is worth it.

[2237] I apologize.

[2238] for perving this all the way to the end, but I can't resist.

[2239] Anyway, so I just want to clarify for people, because we had a lot of talk about Brickshit House that Darcy has the best body.

[2240] Oh, it's smoking hot.

[2241] Yeah.

[2242] So.

[2243] A very choice physique.

[2244] Yeah, she has an amazing body and.

[2245] That is dicey, though, right?

[2246] In an era where we are trying not to, it's all, Very dicey.

[2247] It's dicey.

[2248] What?

[2249] Well, just bodies in general are getting more and more dicey to even talk about.

[2250] They are.

[2251] You know?

[2252] Because, like, I want to say she's got a great body.

[2253] And yet I don't want someone who doesn't have her body at home going, oh, no, well, I don't.

[2254] Well, I don't have her body.

[2255] You don't, but you've got a choice body.

[2256] So everyone has a choice body.

[2257] Everyone's got a choice body.

[2258] That's the takeaway.

[2259] You know, in all honesty, I think this so often, I'll be on Twitter.

[2260] I'm like reading people's comments and I see the picture of them.

[2261] and I just want to tweet, everyone's so cute.

[2262] Yeah.

[2263] I regularly think like everyone's so cute.

[2264] Humans are so fucking cute.

[2265] All of us.

[2266] Yeah.

[2267] Yeah.

[2268] I think that's true.

[2269] And that's a good.

[2270] And everyone's body's fun.

[2271] Yeah.

[2272] There you go.

[2273] You know what I'm saying?

[2274] Yeah.

[2275] You own your shit.

[2276] Everyone's body's a wonderland.

[2277] John Mayer.

[2278] John Mayer.

[2279] Jonathan Mayhar.

[2280] Yeah.

[2281] Yeah.

[2282] Your body is a wonderland.

[2283] Is that how it goes?

[2284] Yeah.

[2285] Yeah.

[2286] Yeah, so it's dicey, but you know, whatever.

[2287] Okay.

[2288] But it's dicey, but it shouldn't be.

[2289] It should just be the...

[2290] It should, and I want to live in a world where it's like we're being so considerate that we're now not telling the truth either.

[2291] That's the tricky road, I think, that we navigate.

[2292] And we're not saying that the truth is that there is a good body type and a bad body type.

[2293] That's not the truth.

[2294] But that is the thing that people don't...

[2295] They're like, people are just underestimating.

[2296] And this is a conversation that's hard for meat that, like, I feel so bravely.

[2297] That you're a privilege.

[2298] Yeah.

[2299] It's not something I have to worry about, like, when you're thin and you got big boobs and you got a rocking body.

[2300] Thank you.

[2301] I wouldn't say that.

[2302] But I, I don't feel shamed.

[2303] Yeah.

[2304] Although sometimes the big boobs is a little.

[2305] Cumbersome.

[2306] heavy I'm heavy stressful on the low back No no but you know No I don't know You don't?

[2307] No do you feel like at times Like you feel objectified Like like that you can't At any moment you can't downplay them enough To subvert the attention of men Is that what you're saying?

[2308] Yeah Sometimes I just want to wear a regular t -shirt And not feel like people are Maybe look But maybe that's just my own ego Maybe no one's looking No everyone's looking Yeah rest of shirt Like all we can hope to do is behave better.

[2309] But what we can, what we'll never do is rid ourselves of impulses.

[2310] I agree.

[2311] You're never, you are never going to get a guy who's seeing a set of big perky boobs because we were designed as animals that face each other during sex.

[2312] The boobs became pronounced to replicate what the haunches look like during normal sex between animals.

[2313] This is a thing.

[2314] That's why they get bigger during.

[2315] your menstrual cycle.

[2316] That's just, you ain't going to get rid of that hard wiring.

[2317] No. How you act on it.

[2318] Yeah.

[2319] We've got some work to do.

[2320] No, but that's exactly right.

[2321] But you're right.

[2322] We will never live in a world where people aren't going to notice you have big boobs.

[2323] Right.

[2324] Yeah.

[2325] You and I won't.

[2326] But this feels like some sort of bizarre.

[2327] Like bragging.

[2328] Oh, I don't think.

[2329] I think we know you well enough.

[2330] Anyway, all bodies are great.

[2331] Yeah.

[2332] And it can be a great source of pleasure and fun.

[2333] Any kind.

[2334] Oh, what I was going to say is it, I think we and why I was prefacing with maybe I just come from a privileged place and so maybe it's not fair for me to say this, but confidence overrides all of that stuff.

[2335] I believe that.

[2336] I believe that it is, it is, you know, in the top three things we're evaluating for attractiveness.

[2337] Yeah.

[2338] Yeah.

[2339] Unless you're a predator, you're probably looking for shyness and lack of confidence.

[2340] Yeah.

[2341] All the more reason to be confident.

[2342] Yeah, exactly.

[2343] Wouldn't it be cool if you could just be confident?

[2344] It would.

[2345] If you could take a pill that made you really confident.

[2346] Yeah, or just like decide, I'm going to be confident.

[2347] You can.

[2348] It's very hard, though.

[2349] It's your laundry list of things that give you self -esteem.

[2350] So it's like working out, eating right, being of service.

[2351] All these things will end up giving you self -esteem, and that will make you feel attractive and confident.

[2352] Right.

[2353] But it's not something you can just decide to do in the morning.

[2354] And be that, you have to take those, you have to do things.

[2355] Yeah, to feel good about yourself.

[2356] Oh, you thought you kept talking about how you thought you'd like her dad, just to reiterate your obsession with dads.

[2357] You just love dads so much.

[2358] Do you have a theory on that?

[2359] I don't know why I. Yeah, I mean, you love men in general.

[2360] Like, I think you just.

[2361] I do?

[2362] Yes.

[2363] What do you mean you do?

[2364] You like men a lot.

[2365] If you notice, though, it is specific.

[2366] I'm generally interested in women's dads.

[2367] Yeah, not like our male guest.

[2368] I didn't ask Bateman a single question about his dad.

[2369] Well, you asked Aik about his dad.

[2370] I mean, you do.

[2371] You ask about parents, but the dad obsession is for women.

[2372] Yeah.

[2373] Yeah.

[2374] Well, also you have daughters.

[2375] So I'm sure there's something in there where you're a dad around.

[2376] Yeah.

[2377] Uh -huh.

[2378] But you're a dad to daughter.

[2379] So, yeah, and I think there's generally a correlation with, you know, I don't think the term daddy issues has global relevance because it's completely not true.

[2380] I think, like, I think a dad plays a really important role in a girl's self -esteem.

[2381] Yeah.

[2382] And confidence.

[2383] I know.

[2384] You don't like that.

[2385] No, I don't, I don't not like it.

[2386] I just don't know if I really think it's true.

[2387] Oh, I do.

[2388] Well, I think to be loved by the opposite sex unconditionally for just being you, to at least have experienced it, you at least know it that you can deserve love being just you.

[2389] If you don't have had a single experience with that in your life, how do you know that?

[2390] How do you not think you might have to be something to be loved?

[2391] I think it's an experience everyone should have.

[2392] that being just them is enough to warrant unconditional love.

[2393] But you could get that from your mom.

[2394] Opposite sex, I'm saying.

[2395] Because once you start interacting with the opposite sex, you know, you could fall apart.

[2396] I believe that's why.

[2397] I think part of the reason that I've been able to get girlfriends most of my life is that my mom was in love with me. Like, the coolest lady I knew thought I was the shit.

[2398] Yeah.

[2399] So I kind of thought, why wouldn't any lady think I'm the shit?

[2400] Because the coolest woman I've ever met thinks I'm the shit.

[2401] So it has to be in the recipe.

[2402] Right.

[2403] I guess I do have daddy issues.

[2404] Okay.

[2405] The lyrics to the sting song.

[2406] Young student.

[2407] Well, she watches.

[2408] All of it.

[2409] wrong but it's um okay i'm gonna read them okay okay i prefer you sing them but you can read them i'm not gonna i'm gonna read them so people can hear with the words okay young teacher the subject of school girl fantasy she wants him so badly knows what she wants to be inside her there's no room this girl's an open page bookmarking she's so close now this girl is half his age this girl is half his age Don't stand so close to me. Her friends are so jealous.

[2410] You know how bad girls get.

[2411] Sometimes it's not so easy to be the teacher's pet.

[2412] Temptation, frustration, so bad it makes him cry.

[2413] Wet bus stop.

[2414] She's waiting.

[2415] His car is warm and dry.

[2416] Oh, my gosh.

[2417] This is a racy song.

[2418] Don't stand so close to me. Loose talk in the classroom.

[2419] To hurt, they try and try.

[2420] Strong words in the staff room.

[2421] The accusations fly.

[2422] It's no use.

[2423] He sees her.

[2424] He starts to shake.

[2425] He starts to cough, just like the old man in that famous book by Nabadikov.

[2426] Yeah, Lolita.

[2427] Oh.

[2428] That's it.

[2429] Don't stand so close to me. Dang.

[2430] Did that make you horny?

[2431] Because you have all these fantasies about your teachers.

[2432] Well, you've had a lot of fantasy, teacher fantasies.

[2433] I do have teacher fantasies.

[2434] And does that, those lyrics get your motor running?

[2435] I mean, they don't.

[2436] not.

[2437] Yeah, the wet bus.

[2438] What was it?

[2439] The bus got wet and this car's dry.

[2440] Wet bus stop.

[2441] She's waiting.

[2442] Oh, so she's waiting for the school bus and he's got this very warm, dry car.

[2443] Yeah.

[2444] It would just be polite to offer her a ride.

[2445] It'd be in civil not to.

[2446] Yeah.

[2447] That song would not fly today.

[2448] Fly today.

[2449] I mean, it would but in like a bad way.

[2450] Was this risque back then?

[2451] No. It wasn't.

[2452] It was totally fine.

[2453] No one was a hit.

[2454] No one was even thinking about, you know.

[2455] What it meant.

[2456] Roy Moore was dating a eighth grader.

[2457] You know, I don't, yeah, things have changed very quickly.

[2458] I guess he's a young teacher.

[2459] I don't think people are great at actually understanding that.

[2460] What?

[2461] That they've changed really quickly.

[2462] The times?

[2463] Yeah.

[2464] Oh, yeah.

[2465] Because so many people that are dealing with these current topics, they weren't ever alive when this was like, All this shit was totally fine.

[2466] Right.

[2467] There were so many movies and shows where the dad was banging the babysitter.

[2468] That was just like commonplace.

[2469] You would never write a movie or TV show today.

[2470] But it was still like, you know, like American Beauty.

[2471] Like that was still bad.

[2472] It was still like naughty and bad.

[2473] Yeah.

[2474] It was still dangerous.

[2475] Dangerous.

[2476] Yeah.

[2477] But I think it was even less dangerous in the 80s.

[2478] It was more a trope, you know.

[2479] Yeah.

[2480] I know.

[2481] Yeah, it's changed a lot.

[2482] I'm still, you know, I'm still for a college kid.

[2483] Hoking up with a professor.

[2484] Yeah.

[2485] Yeah.

[2486] You know what it is?

[2487] You can always speak for yourself.

[2488] And that's really all you can do.

[2489] Yeah.

[2490] I can say I would have loved to have hooked up with one of my professors.

[2491] And you can say that.

[2492] We can just leave it at that.

[2493] Yeah.

[2494] Someone disagrees.

[2495] They're disagreeing for their own person.

[2496] Yeah.

[2497] That's true.

[2498] It is, it's definitely individual based.

[2499] Yeah.

[2500] And who is able to be.

[2501] to make decisions and if there's a power balance.

[2502] And it's funny.

[2503] I have some sexism.

[2504] I really do that I have to acknowledge because, you know, it does.

[2505] There is part of me that says that those guys are predators and they're manipulating the young female.

[2506] And that's, yeah, me just thinking that you're less capable or more likely to be defrauded than a young boy or that the young boy only wants to fuck anyways, but the young girl wants to like marry the brother with her.

[2507] Have a relationship.

[2508] Yeah, so I have some things that are in there.

[2509] Yeah.

[2510] It's weird, but I do.

[2511] I know.

[2512] I'm trying to remember when I was super obsessed with my professor.

[2513] You wanted to marry him.

[2514] Eric Covington.

[2515] Eric Covington.

[2516] And you wanted to marry him, right?

[2517] See, that's what I can't remember.

[2518] In my head now, I was like, oh, it was just so sexually attracted to him, which I was, but I think I probably did want to marry him.

[2519] Yeah.

[2520] If I know me, I probably wanted to marry him.

[2521] So maybe you're right.

[2522] Maybe that would have been terrible if we had sex.

[2523] Oh, even worse, you had had sex for like a couple months.

[2524] And you really thought it was going that place.

[2525] And it never is going.

[2526] And he does it every semester is a new gal who thinks.

[2527] Yeah.

[2528] And I was 18.

[2529] You'd be pretty heartbroken.

[2530] I'd probably be pretty heartbroken now at 31 if that happens.

[2531] So yeah.

[2532] And this gets into a new.

[2533] another interesting gender distinction is like SLA, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

[2534] There was S .A. Sex Anonymous.

[2535] And then later came SLA, which probably helps far more people.

[2536] There seems to be, at least just generally speaking, women seem to be more love addicts and guys tend to be more sex addicts.

[2537] Yeah, I would agree that that's probably the case.

[2538] And what's interesting is the addiction for women, and not just women, the addiction for love addicts is the fantasy.

[2539] I know.

[2540] It's the like the building this life in your head and how you'll feel and the escape of that life you're going to have with the person.

[2541] It's not just like getting off a normal sex addict.

[2542] Yeah.

[2543] Garden variety like me, you know, just wants to, you know, get some approval and then get out of there.

[2544] Do you think you can be a love addict without having been in a relationship?

[2545] Oh, for sure.

[2546] 100%.

[2547] Because it's all about the preoccupation with the family.

[2548] and fantasy building and intriguing.

[2549] There's all these different steps and sayings they have in SLA where it's like you're testing the waters and then you get some little response and then you build this huge fantasy based on that little response of your intriguing.

[2550] And then you're just living in this altered state of mind which is fueled by your fantasy.

[2551] Yeah.

[2552] And it is preventing you from having a real relationship.

[2553] So there's consequences, right?

[2554] Because you're now comparing a fantasy life with a real on the ground life, a bunch of different things.

[2555] Yeah.

[2556] I think you're a love addict.

[2557] I think I am too.

[2558] You need to get over to an SLA meeting.

[2559] I might be.

[2560] I think a lot of us are.

[2561] A lot of us think, you know, a lot of us think like all things, that there's a job that can fix us and make us perpetually happy, that there's a bank account number that can make us perpetually happy or a partner that can make us perpetually.

[2562] And just none of those things sadly can do it.

[2563] They can do it for a little period of time.

[2564] Yeah.

[2565] You can get a promotion.

[2566] You can feel really good for maybe a week or two.

[2567] And then eventually you'll just get you.

[2568] It was even like when you've all, Harari was in here.

[2569] I'm like, is it weird to have a book that sold 12 million copies to a popular audience as a professor?

[2570] And he said, yeah, for a minute.

[2571] And then you just get used to it.

[2572] It's like, yeah, anything you'd just get used to you.

[2573] Everything's temporary, yeah.

[2574] That's true.

[2575] But I think a partner should make you happy in some ways, right?

[2576] I mean like what's the point of having one then to be honest like that if it's that you enjoy interacting with that person you're not dependent on that person to give you a feeling you just like interacting with the person right to me that's genuine and sustainable yeah but that when I look at you I'm going to have butterflies in my stomach that is not sustainable nor reality it just we know biochemically that that wears off of course yeah But for a lot of people when that wears off, they don't tell themselves, oh, that's the nature of a human.

[2577] They go, this wasn't the right relationship.

[2578] Now, John, and marketing, I bet those butterflies would never wear off.

[2579] And then they always wear off.

[2580] Of course, yeah.

[2581] Spoiler alert.

[2582] Yep.

[2583] You're 17.

[2584] Bad news.

[2585] They're going away.

[2586] Okay.

[2587] All right.

[2588] Love you.

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