Why Your Kids Melt Down & Shut Down

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[23] Hey everybody.

[24] Welcome to the calm parenting podcast.

[25] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[26] It's about the eighth time I've begun this.

[27] I'm supposed to be a professional communicator.

[28] Sometimes I'm not.

[29] So here's the deal.

[30] This is what I want to talk about today, and you can determine whether you want to stick with me or not.

[31] You really should.

[32] It's going to be good.

[33] So I want to go through why your kids shut down, why they melt down, why they don't feel confident.

[34] What's really going on with these kids, right?

[35] Because I get it.

[36] You've got a lot of kids.

[37] They're bright kids.

[38] some of your kids will hold it together for the teachers come home and then have a big meltdown for whoever's home.

[39] I get it.

[40] I get it, I get it, I get it.

[41] For those of you don't know our story, we had 1 ,500 of these kids in our home.

[42] And our son was very much like this.

[43] So, that's what I want to go through.

[44] A couple quick things.

[45] Catch us live.

[46] We are all across the country, New Jersey, Long Island, all throughout D .C., Virginia, Northern Virginia, South Carolina, Atlanta, Texas, Ohio, Indianapolis, and then we're going to be shooting Florida too.

[47] So look it up, Celebrate Calm .com, live events.

[48] Come out almost every single event we do is free, no need to register, and you get to hear this live and we get to interact with you and you get to meet us.

[49] ask us questions, and hopefully I won't offend you too much, but I'll help you because that's what my goal is.

[50] You can meet Casey, which is really, really cool.

[51] While you're at the website looking that up, look up the birthday sale, we decide to expand it.

[52] You know why?

[53] Because we keep getting really good testimonials.

[54] That's what I live for.

[55] Not because I need your affirmation, although that's nice.

[56] What I want is for you to be changed.

[57] So here's it, just real quickly, here's a really cool email from a mom.

[58] FYI, she's setting up a workshop, which is cool because she contact, here's the cool thing.

[59] She contacts Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCom .com.

[60] The whole reason we do this, he's our strong -willed son.

[61] She contacts him to set up a live workshop.

[62] So we're actually coming to her child's school.

[63] So she said, FYI, I just listen to more of your straight talk for kids CD with my eight and a half year old daughter, because she's home sick, probably faking it, maybe with anxiety like many of our kids.

[64] And I love that.

[65] And it's so great to see her relate to so much of what you talk about, knowing she's not alone in her struggles.

[66] She really enjoys them and said, quote, I'm exactly like him.

[67] Just want to say thanks for making the CDs for the kids.

[68] Awesome idea.

[69] And so, so helpful.

[70] Really important for your kids to feel understood like they're not.

[71] alone.

[72] And that's what this podcast is going to be about.

[73] So go to the website, do the birthday sale.

[74] It's our way of kind of giving to you, even though, you know, you're going to pay for it.

[75] It's not like free.

[76] Because I want you to invest in it and say, this is important.

[77] I get to change my family tree.

[78] I get to understand my child like I've never understood him or her before.

[79] I get to finally change things and stop the power struggles because I understand this child.

[80] If you need help financially or in any other way or want to set up a workshop, contact Casey, he's your man. It'll help you out.

[81] And he understands because he was as difficult or more difficult than your own kids.

[82] So picture this day in the life of your strong will child.

[83] Some of this will apply.

[84] Some won't, but I bet a lot of it does.

[85] And we know this because Casey was like that.

[86] We opened up our home and had 1 ,500 of these kids in our home.

[87] So a child wakes up.

[88] Guess what?

[89] Your child's probably tired.

[90] Many of your kids don't sleep that well.

[91] Part of it is they have very very busy brains that run all the time.

[92] And you're going to see three things in your kids.

[93] And I'll eventually maybe do a podcast on this because we go through in the ADHD University program.

[94] We go through what's happening in a child's brain.

[95] And so you have kids who have very, very busy brains.

[96] So it feels like life is out of control for them.

[97] And that's why you see they're disorganized and forgetful executive function is inhibited.

[98] Following through a directions is hard.

[99] Poor planning and short -term memory, often slow.

[100] processors of information, controlling others in Balsy, oftentimes kind of a little bit OCD, need to plan.

[101] They need to control things.

[102] It's why they eat the same food, wear the same clothes a lot.

[103] They really need justice and fairness.

[104] They need things, right?

[105] They're like little cops, judges, and attorneys all wrapped into one.

[106] Often have difficulty organizing thoughts and writing.

[107] Anxiety comes from here.

[108] Defiance often comes from there.

[109] They're easily overwhelmed, difficulty with transitions and often have meltdowns over little things going wrong, messes them up.

[110] Next column in this chart that will show you is when you get the program is oftentimes they have reduced blood flow to the brain.

[111] Brain is physiologically understimulated, so their brain is understimulated, looking for stimulation.

[112] That's why they fidget, doodle, bounce legs, tap their pencils, all that stuff in class.

[113] We can show you how to use that fidgeting in a very positive way to actually help them focus better.

[114] But oftentimes your kids will chew on things, on their sleeves, someone will chew on their shirts.

[115] They have this nasty ring of saliva when they come home from school.

[116] Or they'll chew on their hoodie sweatshirt tassels.

[117] They hum, sing, they talk loudly even though as they're complaining about other people being loud, right?

[118] Difficulty with focus, even though they can hyperfocus, which is an advantage.

[119] for them in life, but they zone out easily.

[120] They're impulsive.

[121] They procrastinate.

[122] Why do you procrastinate?

[123] Because if I wait till the last minute, there's pressure and all of a sudden I get blood flow to the brain because, right, because I get an adrenaline rush that helps me focus.

[124] Procrastination is nothing more than a negative tool we use to help focus the brain.

[125] They tend to work in spurts, right?

[126] They argue like attorneys.

[127] Why?

[128] Because they get the reaction from you.

[129] That's why they do it because it stimulates their brain.

[130] It's why they will almost poke their sibling or look at their sibling and push their siblings' buttons so that they get a reaction from them.

[131] It's all designed to stimulate the brain, right?

[132] That's why they're oppositional, they're bored easily, and they do things the hard way.

[133] So they stimulate their brains, and you want to use that to your advantage so you can get their chores and homework done, but you have to understand the way the brain's made.

[134] And in the final column, we usually go through with sensory issues.

[135] They're their hyposensitive, which means they need physical pressure.

[136] That's why they're always touching other people or seeking pressure.

[137] I like to be in confined places sometimes.

[138] It will manifest as aggression.

[139] It's really just a sensory need.

[140] Or they're hypersensitive, sensitive to touch, to sound.

[141] Light is too bright, right?

[142] Difference aromas.

[143] It's why they're closed.

[144] They're very, very particular.

[145] They may have dysgraphia, a difficulty with find.

[146] motor skills so you add all of this up what do you have a really frustrated child because they wake up in the morning they're tired because they don't know if they're sleep well oftentimes it's anxiety your kids have anxiety about new experiences often it's by the time they come down for breakfast because they're not always good at following through on directions following through multiple step processes often mess them up so by the time they finally get down to breakfast, guess what, they're often particular about their food and about their clothes and they want to wear the same hoodie sweatshirt for 17 straight days.

[147] Or they'll have a meltdown if their socks, if the seams aren't in the right place and don't feel the right way.

[148] And there'd be a big meltdown in the morning over something that doesn't seem like it's a big deal to you, but it is to them.

[149] They feel different than everybody else.

[150] They feel less than their siblings, because their siblings are often the good child who does really well in school and follows directions.

[151] And the grandparents love the siblings and everybody loves the siblings, but this child is one who's always in trouble.

[152] And that's why you have to discipline differently.

[153] Consequences don't work.

[154] They just reinforce shame and you've got to learn how to create successes and affirm these kids and teach them and show them how to make good choices so that they can be successful.

[155] otherwise you're basically going to have Kane and Abel on your hands right one child resentful of the other one if you want more of a spiritual aspect listen to the Calm Christian Parenting Podcasts that we do because we delve into that a little bit more detail just Google it you'll find it they need things to be just so right little things throw them off because they have these very busy brains and when little things are off it really messes with them That's why they will argue their point relentlessly.

[156] It's about the need for order and structure because they need things to be all tied together.

[157] It's why that need for justice and fairness is so important to them.

[158] When little things are off, it really, really, really messes with them.

[159] I hope you're getting the picture right now.

[160] Life is difficult for these kids.

[161] I'm not making an excuse for their behavior.

[162] I'm not.

[163] But you've got to really get inside their hearts, right?

[164] because many of us have this thought like I did, they're just being difficult on purpose, right?

[165] Why do you have to make everything so difficult?

[166] It's what I used to say to my son.

[167] And that will destroy your child.

[168] It'll destroy your relationship and they'll shut down and eventually say, go -mm -yourself because you just don't get it.

[169] But life can be really difficult for these kids, right?

[170] It's just they need things to be just so.

[171] So morning routine, not always that awesome.

[172] Right?

[173] And they're usually, some of them are toddlers or they'll wait till the last minute because they procrastinate and you're going to be end up yelling at them in the morning.

[174] By the time you hand them off at school or send them to the bus, many of these kids have been yelled at already.

[175] I get it.

[176] You do it myself.

[177] They get to school.

[178] What's hard about school?

[179] Anxiety.

[180] Walking into a school, some of your kids get overwhelmed because all of the kids and all of the chaos in the room.

[181] Some of your kids are introvers.

[182] or they just struggle.

[183] Look, they struggle to connect with kids their own age.

[184] They have something called asynchronous development, which means they're out of sync.

[185] Intellectually, up here, above average, get along better with older kids or adults.

[186] That's why they often like getting sent to the principal's office because they have a really awesome talk about geopolitical concerns, black holes and really intellectual stuff.

[187] But emotionally and socially, they're usually a year or two behind.

[188] So even in class, they often act silly or dumb or do stupid things.

[189] Why?

[190] Because they want the other kids to think that they're funny because they have a naturally have a hard time connecting with kids their own age.

[191] And here's what we tell them for 12 straight years in school.

[192] Hey, go to school, make some friends.

[193] Have a good time at recess.

[194] Have a good time with your friends.

[195] Not realizing it's really difficult for them to connect with kids their own age.

[196] And yet for 12 years they have to do that.

[197] And that's the only time in life you have to do that.

[198] At your company, wherever you work now, it's not made up of only men or women aged 42 or whatever you are, or age you are.

[199] Younger people, older things.

[200] It's an artificial arbitrary standard.

[201] And guess what they feel like?

[202] Losers, because some of these kids don't have a lot of friends.

[203] Some of them do.

[204] Some of your kids are super social, but many of them aren't.

[205] Guess what they end up doing?

[206] sitting alone at lunch they sit in the cafeteria by themselves you know what that feels like you feel like a sorry like a freaking loser right and this whole day it's not even you haven't even gotten through the day yet you're midway through the day and some of your kids the only time they get to talk is at lunchtime but they talk too loudly and they don't follow directions so if they're not sitting alone by themselves they're probably getting in trouble with whoever works in the cafeteria.

[207] Well, they've already been in trouble half the day anyway.

[208] So guess what they start?

[209] They're already on red now because we use those, sorry, those stupid behavior charts with the red, yellow, and green.

[210] You want to cause anxiety or cause a child to feel bad about himself and finally just give up and say, guess what?

[211] Screw it and screw everybody else.

[212] Because I'm never getting to green.

[213] Nobody ever thinks I'm good at anything.

[214] And they eventually shut down.

[215] and we're only at lunch right now.

[216] I used to go in.

[217] There's this really cool kid.

[218] His name's Zach.

[219] It's shout out to my friend Zach, who's in college now.

[220] But he used to sit in his class where we used to live in Northern Virginia.

[221] He used to sit at lunch and he'd sit and read by himself.

[222] Why?

[223] Because he was overwhelmed.

[224] Because he needed some time away from everybody else because school's loud.

[225] Changing classes is hard.

[226] It's overwhelming.

[227] So we'd go and read a book.

[228] But you know what that makes you?

[229] Makes you kind of a dork sometimes, right?

[230] How would you like to go through every day feeling like the loser?

[231] I'm not as good as my siblings.

[232] I don't have all these friends.

[233] All the other kids are talking to each other and I'm here.

[234] So I used to go in with my friend Zach and I'd sit there at lunchtime with him and I'd read a book with him.

[235] Why?

[236] Because I didn't want him to be alone.

[237] It's brutal what some of your kids go through.

[238] Again, not an excuse, but you've got to understand it.

[239] Otherwise, you'll misjudge their motives, and you'll just react all the time, and they'll eventually give up and just shut down and not have any confidence.

[240] And this is not a fun way to go through your childhood.

[241] So, Zach and I would sit and read the book.

[242] We didn't even talk a lot.

[243] We talk a little bit, but not a lot.

[244] Why?

[245] Because I wanted him to know there's another person on the freaking planet that's just like him who gets overwhelmed with all this noise.

[246] All these kids.

[247] You ever been in a cafeteria?

[248] Some of them are brutally loud.

[249] And I want to know you're going to be fine one day.

[250] You're going to be successful.

[251] There's nothing wrong with you.

[252] Be yourself and read your book because it makes you curious and interesting.

[253] So just watch this with our kids.

[254] Guess what?

[255] Your kids, we should be good at recess, right?

[256] Like, let's give them a break.

[257] Let's let them run around outside.

[258] But they struggle at recess.

[259] They don't always get along with kids their own age.

[260] Playing games with other kids is tough.

[261] Why?

[262] It's why you don't play board games with your kids because they have these very busy brains.

[263] It feels like everything's out of control.

[264] So what happens?

[265] If they lose at a game, that makes them a loser.

[266] So it makes them not a lot of fun because they change the rules of the game.

[267] They cheat or they quit.

[268] Well, guess what?

[269] That doesn't make you really popular with your classmates.

[270] So we've got a solution for that, right?

[271] With teachers, and we go through that in our program of, like, teachers giving kids specific jobs feeling helpful at recess and at lunchtime so that they have.

[272] a focus for their brains and we create a success so that we can actually build their confidence and we actually pair them up with another kid doing something that they're good at doing and it builds confidence and they can build one friendship with another kid in class who shares a common passion but you've got to learn how to do that stuff please so these kids don't shut down so they don't turn to alcohol and drugs when they're teenagers right this is hard stuff so we're not even all the way through the school day but what else is hard for your kids focusing on things you're not interested in is really tough and there's nothing wrong with your child that's the way the human brain is made to work you're not supposed to focus on things you're not really interested in none of you apply you don't really apply for jobs that you're not good at true you don't read books on the weekend or in the evening about subjects you're not interested in right if you're not interested in Russian literature you're not reading Dostoevsky and Tolstoy you're reading about stuff you're interested in because that's the way the brain's supposed to work but that makes schooling really difficult because probably 80 % of what they're learning they're not interested in and won't use but here's a weird thing your kids actually have a gift they have an advantage over other kids in that they can hyper focus when they're interested in a particular subject.

[273] You've seen that.

[274] When your kids are interested in Legos or a video game or a particular topic or subject, they will research it for hours.

[275] They will remember every single detail of that.

[276] When they're interested, they're just not usually interested in anything that's happening at school.

[277] So you've got to figure out how do we take that area that they're interested in and somehow work on that so that it transitions into caring about their schoolwork.

[278] We can show you how to do that, but just know that it's going to be tough.

[279] Sitting skill is still all day.

[280] For some of your kids, really tough.

[281] Why?

[282] It's against human nature.

[283] People are made to move.

[284] And some of your kids, if I see them with a bouncing leg, they've got a lot of energy.

[285] So you've got to learn how to give them opportunities to move in class in an appropriate way within the teacher's boundaries.

[286] Otherwise, they're going to get lectured and be in trouble for fidgeting, which actually good appropriate fidgeting is helpful for their brains and will help them learn, but they'll get in trouble for doing all the things, right?

[287] The teacher doesn't want them to do things that would actually help them focus better, right?

[288] So, you go through this day and at the end of the day, whether you have the behavior chart or not, many of your kids end up on red, and the last thing they hear before they got to school was something negative from the parent, and now the last thing they hear before they go home is negative.

[289] Then they get home from school, they're done.

[290] And the first thing that we say to them as parents is, hey, how was school today?

[291] Well, if they're honest, they're going to say, you know what, it really, uh, right?

[292] So don't ask them how their day was at school if they don't like school, because it was probably bad, right?

[293] Or negative.

[294] And then we say, hey, why don't you, why don't you take your shoes off and hang up your clothes, your jacket?

[295] By the way, they don't have to wear, hang up their jacket, because your kids don't wear their jacket.

[296] to school, true?

[297] And they're going to wear shorts to school in the winter.

[298] So just chill with that.

[299] So come on.

[300] Let's get your homework photo out.

[301] Look at your homework and I'll sit down with you for three hours and badger you for three hours about doing your work.

[302] Right.

[303] No wonder they have meltdowns.

[304] And that's why after school I want to give them something they have control of.

[305] They have ownership of for little kids, younger kids, I want to do a treasure hunt after school, something they can find something.

[306] Maybe they hide something and you have to find it, right?

[307] Or older kids, don't ask them about the school day, say, hey, something happened to me today at the office, at the grocery store, at the post office.

[308] I'm curious, what would you do if you were in my situation?

[309] And I just gave them a little bit of ownership, and it's not all about them, and I'm not hammering them over their homework.

[310] The point is, your kids, part of the reason that they have the meltdowns and it's over little things and that you don't understand, and that you often say that's not a big deal, it is too.

[311] When you've had a day like this, by the time 2 .30 or 3 o 'clock comes around and you feel like a failure and you feel less than your sibling and you feel less than the other kids because you have a very busy brain and slow processor.

[312] And so when you turn in your test, your last one to turn in your test or do your school assignment and that makes you feel stupid, guess what?

[313] Last thing I want to do is homework.

[314] Last thing I want to talk about is my behavior at school.

[315] I'm done for the day.

[316] Does that make sense?

[317] And that's why your kids melt down sometimes.

[318] And it's why saying like, honey, let's talk.

[319] We need to have a talk about your behavior.

[320] It's why they go into full DefCon 5 rage over it is because they already feel stupid.

[321] I just encourage you understand the way your kids are made, right?

[322] Please do that.

[323] Please listen and let your kids listen to the strong will child program so that they understand the way they're made.

[324] please listen to the ADHD University, even if your kids don't have ADHD.

[325] If I have to kind of describe them, we go through this chart in three columns and what to do about every single one of these so we can create a success with the kids who like to hyper -focused to get them to process more quickly.

[326] But I want them to know there's nothing wrong with their brain.

[327] There's nothing wrong with you.

[328] That's why that beautiful testimony of that mom, who's eight -and -a -half -year -old daughter, listened to Casey's Straight Talk for Kids program and said, he's describing me. I'm just like him.

[329] I'm not alone.

[330] There's nothing wrong with me. It's more important than you can possibly imagine for you to go to your teenager even and say, does it ever feel like I've misjudged your motives, like I don't understand you?

[331] And you will begin to rebuild that relationship.

[332] It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

[333] If you want to talk to another strong will child, email Casey, C -A -S -C -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, or call him directly, 8 -88 -506 -1870.

[334] he will help you understand your child he will help you get the products that you want he will help you with your budget but the birthday sale that's on the website now is a fantastic sale we're going to do it for one more week and then it's gone and it's fantastic and i promise you it's probably less than you have paid for one or two trips to a therapist but you're going to understand your child like never before and know exactly what to do to help that child remember to come out to our live events invite out.

[335] If you like this podcast, share it with other parents so that you can help them and so they can understand their kids.

[336] Thank you for doing what you do.

[337] Being a parent is a really difficult thing and it's really hard when you have a child like this, but there is hope.

[338] There are ways to help your kids and I want you to be incredibly close to this child and understand him or her so you can have this really cool bond with your child because the quickest way to change their behavior is to first control your own.

[339] And when you connect with these kids on a deep level, you will find that they have big hearts and they're very very compliant if we can help you let us know again reach out casey at celebrate calm dot com hope to see you at a live event somewhere and thank you for doing what you what you're doing love you all bye bye